Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Deborah has been moving through her busy days with an open wound. A piece of herself that she tore off and left behind on that balcony all those weeks ago. Her days are spent in meeting after meeting. Everyone wants a piece of her after the special. She’s flying high but at night the quiet settles in and she has to remind herself that it was for Ava’s good.

Of course, she misses her. She is reminded of her everyday…with every question about the special, with every day their would be court date looms closer. She told her lawyers she was dropping the suit the next morning. She wanted Ava to be free. She refused to allow the girl to make her life about her. She had allowed those things to happen before but Ava was too good.

She had to push her away. She repeats these words like a mantra. Every message takes more strength to leave unanswered. Clean break. Cold turkey. It was for the best she had perfected self-denial years ago. Just because Ava hasn’t let go yet didn’t mean she wouldn’t. Soon enough Ava would be preoccupied with something or someone else.

It wasn’t the angry texts that made the night difficult. Who cares about the money breaking her lease costs? She just had Marcus make up a ‘we forgot something’ severance package and reimbursed her. Plus some…for her trouble.

This of course was in no way because Deb felt guilty or heartbroken about pushing away the one person that proved she’d always come back.

“God, my thoughts are morose tonight. I wish Ava had left some of those gummies around.” She said out loud to no one but her beloved babies, Barry and Cara. She moves from her spot on her bedroom couch to make herself a martini. With nothing on her schedule before noon tomorrow, she can afford to indulge in a little self-hate.

As the evening progresses Deborah finds herself falling down a rabbit hole of martinis and Criminal Intent. A potentially deadly combination when your initial goal is to forget about a specific redhead…5 hours away…and probably watching the same thing.

Deborah falls asleep on her couch and drops the martini glass on the floor which startles Cara causing her to bark starling Deborah awake.

“It’s okay, girl. I’m going to bed.” As Deborah gets up she stumbles on sleepy drunk legs and falls forward. Not even having a chance to bring her arms up before she cracks her head on the damn coffee table.

The last conscious thought Deb has was she thought she heard someone crying “NO”.

Chapter Text

“What is that incessant noise? My head hurts too much for this.” But even as Deborah thought this her dream came rushing back to her and the pain in her head subsided “Bad dream”.

The clock said 5 am. She was nearly in her bed. In her silk pajamas, ones that she didn’t remember putting on last night. She shrugged it off and got up to begin her day.

At 6 am, when she felt more like herself, she went to make her way downstairs for some breakfast. As she walked past Ava’s room she looked in through the cracked open door and smiled when she saw that Ava was still sleeping. She’ll make them breakfast and then they really need to get ready for the day.

There was something that kept itching at Deborah’s brain all through the domesticity of making pancakes for Ava and an egg white omelette for herself. She had just finished plating the last pancake when a bed headed redhead came around the corner.

“What’s cooking, good looking?”

“Spinach and tomato egg white omelette. Want some?”

“Sounds delicious but you know I’d rather have…”

“A giant stack with chocolate chips and finished off with whipped cream” Deborah finishes for her as she turns around and sets Ava’s plate in front of her.

“Oh no! Who died? Am I dying? ARE YOU DYING?!” Ava asked with increasing alarm.

“No you idiot. Today is just an important day and I was already making breakfast.”

Ava eyes her suspiciously as she stuffs the frist forkful of warm pancake in her mouth.

“Oh God, D! These are orgasmic.”

“Orgasmic? Really Ava? And we’ve talked about that.”

“No ones here. You have no proof I said anything. But seriously though…thank you. This is very delicious.”
Deborah smiles at her as she takes a bite of her freshly plated omelette.

“You know, you were totally right.”

“Of course I was. What about this time?”

“The view from this place is so much better without that treehouse you totally didn’t chainsaw down while we were gone that day.”

Putting on her best Charlene. “Strangest thing, I was just standing there looking out the window, sipping a martini and it just collapsed.” She batted her eyelashes and Ava burst out laughing.

“Sure, Ash, whatever you say. Would have love to have seen you welding that particular piece of equipment.”

Deborah isn’t exactly sure why but Ava’s words make her skin tingle and she hopes the blush isn’t noticable.

“Please, I don’t need to be privy to all your kinks.”

Ava smirks and cocks an eyebrow but doesn’t respond. She continues to eat her pancakes and just allows Deborah to sit with that thought in her head. And Ava is certainly not thinking about all the different scenarios she’s already dreamed about. She also isn’t thinking about how these pancakes taste like love.

Somewhere off in the distance Deborah hears a chiming tinkling sound that almost, but not quite, sounded like a laugh.

“Did you hear that?”

“You taking an unintentional interest in my sex life?”

“Never mind you degenerate. How did you wake up in the gutter?”

“It’s where I live these days. But I’ll behave. Sorry.”

“Hmmm…at least your pretty…funny.”

“You flatter me.”

“Then I missed my mark. Come on finish up we’ve got a big party to get ready for tonight and some meetings I need to take. Also aren’t you having lunch with Jimmy?”

“Yea… while you are having lunch with…Netflix? HBO? I stopped listening by that point yesterday.”

“Ava this is a win for you too, you know. Maybe you could take some interest in it.”

“I’m fully invested, D, I am. I’m excited for you and proud of all you’ve accomplished, but I’m not going to take your well deserved spotlight. This is your life I just got to come along for the ride. Best seat in the house. I’ve got the dishes if you want to go finish getting ready for the day.”

And with that Ava collected both sets of dishes and walked over to the sink. As she was loading the dishwasher with the dishes used for making breakfast she felt Deborah walk behind her and then walk out the kitchen. She looked over her shoulder and saw that Deborah had set a full cup of coffee on the counter for her.

“Hmmm maybe it’s not so crazy.” Ava said to no one.

Chapter Text

Hey, you know a party down there for you.”

“I just needed a minute.”

“We fucking did it.”

“Yes, we fucking did. So going forward I can extend your health insurance 6 months and offer you a 3 months severance.”

“Haha very funny. Wait…what? You’re fitting me? Why? The work is good. We are good “

“Yes, and the work could continue to be good for a long time. It’s like you said”… Deborah trails off for a second lost in a weird sense of déjà vu…she shakes it off and continues. “I’m going to keep working until I’m dead. Do you know how old you’ll be when I’m 109? And yeah I know don’t make you do math right now.”

“ How did you…no not the point. I don’t care about that. I’m happy where I am. I thought you were too. I thought we were finally getting on the same page here.”

“Ava, I ave to go now.” She turns to leave

“Wait! That’s it? I won’t see you anymore?!”

“Oh, you’ll see me. You’ll see me in court.”

Deborah left for Vegas without even stopping to get any of her things from the house. She didn’t want to be there while Ava gathered her things…either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Somewhere in the distance as she drifted off to sleep on the plane she thought she heard…Coward.

Chapter Text

It’s 3 weeks later when her office phone rings and she answers it expecting to find her next interviewer, instead, she’s confronted with a voice she’s managed to avoid in real time right up until she hears…

“3 weeks!? You dropped the suit the morning after you dumped me on that balcony and you still let me believe I’d be seeing you again?!”

“Ava…” she sighs heavily hearing Ava’s voice causing almost as much pain as saying her name, but she’ll worry about that later. “Most people would say thank you were they in your position.”

“Thank you? THANK YOU? Why should I thank you? You threw me away. I don’t even know how I misread the situation so badly. I thought we were happy. Did I make you that uncomfortable?”

“Please! Like you have that much power. Look I have an interview that I need to get to…”

“Sure, yeah. I get it.”

“Ava! I will call you back. When I’m free. Tonight. Okay? So answer.”

“Yep, I’ll be waiting.”

“Goodbye.” With that, Deborah hangs up before Ava can respond and she hopes that she didn’t just make a huge mistake by opening that door.

Later that night when everyone had left for the evening Deb pulled out her phone and called Ava. The noises on the other end of the line confused her at first. Until she recognized the unmistakable sound of someone somewhere in the vicinity hitting a jackpot.

“Ava, where the hell are you?”

“Hey! You called back. I wasn’t sure you would. I would’ve stayed where you told me but was too cold.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No. Only a little. I’ve been keeping the room from spinning by playing the slots and not roulette.”

“What possessed you to get hammered when I told you I’d call you back?”

“I want to come see you. Let me come see you. Please, D.”

“Ava! Are you here? In Vegas? Right now?”

“Yeah, yeah. I have been in my condo. So I decided to go and have some fun. I’m not so broke yet.”

“Tell me where you are.”

“Down the road. S’ok, I can walk.”

“Wait where you are. I’m on my way.”

Deborah rushes across Vegas only to find Ava drunk and happily flirting with the server that had brought her so slightly sobering coffee.

“Deborah! You’re here! You know I’m here. Oops. I’m in trouble. Look I couldn’t…”

“Ava shut up and let’s go. I’m not planning on standing around a casino floor all night. How long have you been drinking? It’s barely after 10.”

“Missed you. I was waiting for you.”

“Okay, how about we stop talking now before you say things you’ll regret.”

“Why would I regret loving you? I just wish you loved me back.” With that Ava fell into a deep sleep for the rest of the drive and Deb decided she’d be out of town when Ava finally awoke the next day.

As the sun rose the next morning Deb was sitting in her private jet taking off on her way to Seattle. She had decided she was going to spend the day walking around starting with Pike Place Market. Where she hopes she could imagine herself in a different world. In a world where, maybe just maybe, she didn’t keep running away from the love in her life.

Love of your life was spoken over the plane’s intercom just seconds before every alarm and warning bell started going off. The masks drop from the overhead and the plane drops from the sky.

Chapter Text

Deborah could still hear the alarms going off but she couldn’t feel the plane. She felt…her bed. She was in bed. She sat straight up and turned on her bedroom light. Squinting as her eyes adjusted she was able to figure out she was in fact in her bedroom. Not in Vegas or on the jet but in L.A. in the aptly named side mansion.

She had no idea what was going on. She hadn’t been heading to L.A. and she hadn’t been back here since before the party.

How did she get here. She picked up her phone and looked at the time. When she saw that date, though, she almost dropped it in shock. Assuming her eyes were playing tricks on her she found her glasses and tried again.

 3 weeks ago.

The morning of the party.

That could not have all been a dream. It was too vivid.

Deborah shot out of bed and ran to the next room.

“Ava! Ava what… Where’s your phone?”

“What? Deb, hold on… I’m sleeping.”

“What day is it? Why are we here?”

Deborah was getting more panicked as Ava switched on the bedside light.

“Woah Deborah calm down. Are you okay? Are you sick? You look like you’re going to be sick.”

“Phone, Ava! What day is it?!”

“Friday, the day of your party…that is unless we need to go to the hospital. Sit down. I’ll go get you some water.”

When Ava came back with a glass of water she got Deborah to explain what was wrong while she stopped at it.

“So you were on the PJ heading back home after the party and you crashed?”

Deborah had left out a few important details, but she didn’t have time to explain she planned on letting Ava go.

“That sounds like an extreme stress dream. This is the easy part, D. All you have to do is let us love you. You love that part.”

“It didn’t feel like a dream.” None of them have, she thought to herself. Aloud to Ava she said, “I don’t think I’m feeling all that well.”

“Shit, okay, what do you need? Go lay down… or do you want me to run you a bath? I can make you coffee, tea, juice? I don’t know what you like when you’re sick. Have you ever been sick?”

“Ava, calm down. Thank you. I’m going to go lay back down. Go back to sleep I’ll be fine. I don’t know why I bothered you.” With that she got up and walked out there door, leaving Ava standing there trying to understand what had sent Deborah running to her.

There was no going back to sleep if Deborah didn’t feel well Ava was going to do what she’d always wished she’d received when she was ill. She was going to make sure Deb felt loved and cared for even if it just turned out to be mistimed anxiety.

So she made her way downstairs to the kitchen. She was going to make Deborah Vance breakfast. As she walked down the steps she sent a prayer up to anyone listening that she remembered how to cook and did not set the kitchen on fire.

30 minutes of tossing and turning later it finally hit Deborah that she could smell food and if she listened closely she could make out faint noises…was that singing?

Deborah got up and slipped on her slippers and robe. She made her way to the top of the stairs. The noises where more discernable now. She could clearly hear the sounds of cooking and Ava singing. She shook her head in bemusement and started down.

She stopped in the doorway to the kitchen to take in the scene…it was…a disaster. Every surface covered with something Ava had used to make what Deb could only guess at. The tornado in her kitchen must have been going for some time, even the dogs had taken up just watching for their chosen spot in the corner.
Ava, who had earbuds in and was singing aloud, had yet to notice Deborah. But as she watched her she started listening to the words she was singing.

If you asked me to
Id run to you, like I promised.
If you needed me
 I’d be bound Completely honest
Cause you’ve got a home
Wherever I go
Truth be told
 My souls still tied to yours

“Oh! You scared me. Are you feeling any better?”

The words Ava has been singing were still bouncing around in her heart and she barely registered Ava had noticed her. “Morning…again.”

“Coffee? Tea? I made both. Wasn’t sure what you’d feel like.”

“Tea sounds wonderful. Thank you. What exactly exploded in here?”

“Pancake batter. You weren’t supposed to come down. I was gonna bring your breakfast up to you.”

“Ava, I appreciate the thought but you know I’m not gonna…”

“Eat pancakes. Yeah I know. Hence the reason why I was just getting ready to cook your spinach and tomato egg white omelette. Because that is something I know about you. What you like for breakfast. Now if you like it when sick I don’t know.”

“Its perfect. I’m already feeling better just sipping this lovely tea.”

“ Nah, you’re being too nice. You do SEE this mess right?!”

“Yes. And I do SEE the person who will be cleaning said mess.” Deb picked up her tea and went out the back patio doors to sit and watch the sky start to change colors as the sun prepares to rise. Ava, trooper as always, juggles their breakfast plates, silverware and her drink to join Deb outside for breakfast.
With each bite of her omelette Deborah felt her heart rate slow and her resolve weaken. She wouldn’t tell Ava tonight. But she has to tell her. She should tell her while they are still in LA. This is where Ava wants to be. She can’t stay with Deborah forever.

She had to do it correctly. Her subconscious had already begun spinning worst case scenarios. At least she hoped those were dreams. She wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with the very real prospect that she was dead and stuck in a weird limbo until the end of time. Forced to always relive the worst day of her life. 
That thought startled her and she dropped her tea.

“Shit!” She exclaimed as it hit the pavers.

“I got it. You just stay right there. Want a coffee this time?”

“Yeah. Thanks. Damn it.”

Deborah sat there alone with her thoughts for a few minutes. Worst day? Worse than Frank and Kathy? Worse than loosing her late night show? Certainly not! Why would leaving Ava be worse? Ava deserves a life and career of her own. With Ava she could have a new late night show. Ava could work a late night show without her. With Ava her career was flying high again. Without Ava her plane was crashing. Was it a metaphor or did she really die? That Ava had told her she loved her. This Ava…is her normal Ava. A ball of anxiety that is too busy falling over her own feet. But even as Deb thought about the mess, she saw the bigger picture, Ava had been worried about her. She’d gotten up and made them breakfast. The same breakfast Deborah had made them. Or was that another dream? Deborah does not even know anymore. 

She’s lived this day already. She just knows she has. It’s ridiculous. She know this isn’t some comedy in desperate need for a revamp mid season 4. Life doesn’t repeat. So maybe they’ve been intense prolific dreams. Her subconscious telling her she’s too old and she’s going to die while Ava flourishes.

But if it was all about her failure and Ava would be fine. Why did drunk Ava confess her love, what she thought was love, for Deborah? Before Deb had fled and the plane crashed.

She could still feel the plane going down. The realest dream she’s ever had. She shivers and then jumps as Ava touches her shoulder. 

“Hey, sorry. I was talking to you and you just sorta spaced out there. You didn’t take one of my gummies when you left my room earlier did you?” she winked.

“Maybe I did. Maybe that’s what all this is about. Did we get high and I just forgot?”

“Well if we did I forgot too but it’s okay. I just think that your exhaustion has finally caught up with your excitement.”

“ Yeah, I’m going to enjoy a little time off after all this. Might go on a trip. Me time. Not Deborah Vance time.”

“Oh yeah! That’s cool. A little be kind to yourself time. Where you can be really kind to yourself.” She added with a wink.

“Oh shut up!” Deb smiled. “I was think maybe a cruise…a private one this time.”

“Oh wow you meant for REAL me time. I hear you. So how long of a trip do you think you’ll take? Like how long am I going to be dog and DJ sitting?”

“Ha! I don’t know.” She laughed. “I really just started thinking about it. But I’ll be sure to let DJ know Auntie Ava will take real good care of her and her UFC husband.”

“Ha yeah, maybe they should be babysitting me.”

“Maybe I should take you along so I can make sure you stay out of trouble.”

“On another death trap? Not a chance! Although…private cruise does sound like a different experience.”

“Well you know how to float now at least so there is less of a drowning worry.”

“You’re serious? I mean, yeah, cool if that’s what you wanna do…I’m down. I’ll go anywhere…I just want to be where you are.”

Deborah blinked Ava had already said those words to her. On the balcony. Only the party hasn’t even happened yet. What did it mean? She said it before because Deborah was letting her go. Was she supposed to do that? Or was she supposed to go down this road?

Ava having warmed up to the idea of a private cruise has started babbling on with excitement. “So what’s your top?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your top location pick! Where do you want to go? I can look into locations for us.”

Deborah waves her off. “You tell em where you want to go and I’ll have Marcus arrange the details. If you’re going to be facing your fears ..again. you might as well get to pick this time.”

Deborah looked down into her cup of coffee as she brought the cup up to her lips and missed the look of pure love on Ava’s face. Ava couldn’t help but feel as though this was Deborah’s way of saying thank you, you are noticed and appreciated. Ava began to think that maybe Deborah did feel the pull between them. Maybe she might want to kids Ava as much as Ava wanted to kiss every inch of Deborah.

The party went off without a hitch. Everyone was trying to get a moment with one or both of them all night. Deborah did her best to avoid Ava until the were back in the car heading to the house.

“We fucking did it.”

Deb's stomach flipped hearing those words. “Yes, we fucking did. So? Have you figured out where we are going yet?”

“No! I mean…when do you want to leave?”

“The sooner the better. Pick somewhere nice. Somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. My treat.”

“Well, I mean yeah, I knew that, sugar momma.”

“Do Not Call me that. Remember I can still throw you over board once we get out on the water.”

“Oh so somewhere close to land…got it! Does a house count as a cruise?”

“Ava…”

“Kidding. Kidding. Putting my life in your wonderful hands is no problem. No problem at all.”