Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Xander

Willow

Buffy: GUYS WHY DID I JUST FIND TWO OF MY EXES MAKING OUT IN A COFFEE SHOP?

Xander: ah, Riley and Angel are at it again?

Buffy: NOT RILEY NO

Xander: WAIT YOU'RE SERIOUS?

Buffy: [one attachment]

Willow: You know, that actually makes a lot of sense

Buffy: FUCK

Xander: what?

Buffy: I THINK THEY SAW ME

-Private Chat-

Buffy

Spike

Buffy, did you just take a picture of Angel and me?

 I won’t deny nor confirm…

Buffy…

Wait, since when are you two gay?

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Angel

Willow

Xander

Spike

Anya

Tara

Cordelia

Wesley

Fred

Gunn

Lorne

Doyle

Buffy: Damn, I really have to be the single one again

Spike: Buffy

Angel: No

Buffy: Fine, I won’t…

Cordelia: Uhm, what is this about?

Buffy: Nothing, definitely not involving a coffee shop

Lorne: Ah, Spike and Angel finally kissed?

Cordelia: EXCUSE ME WHAT

Lorne: God, I can’t be the only one who noticed the tension, the lingering looks, the fighting, THE VIBES SCREAM GAY

Anya: I agree, Spike and Angel always seemed to be wanting to have sex with each other

Angel: Gee, thanks guys

Cordelia: Wait, so it’s true?

Cordelia: OH MY GOD WE CAN GO ON DOUBLE DATES

Angel: @Buffy See, this is why I didn’t want you to tell them

Buffy: I think you brought this upon yourself, Angel

Doyle: Can someone please explain to me why Cordelia is currently going on and on about places to go on double dates?

Buffy: Spike and Angel are big gay

Doyle: Ah

Angel: BUFFY

Angel: Spike, why haven’t you said anything yet?

Spike: Sorry, Liam, I don’t fight these battles

Cordelia: OHMYGOD YOU CALLED HIM LIAM

Spike: Okay, I’ll help you flee now

-read by Fred, Gunn, Wesley, Tara, Xander and Willow around 0:34 AM-

-Private Chat-

Spike

Angel

SPIKE I NEED YOU

Well, that’s nothing new

WILLIAM, I’M SERIOUS

What, we doing legal names now, Liam?

I’M SERIOUS HELP ME

Okay, okay, what’s wrong

CORDELIA

Ah

Where are you?

In the closet

No, we’re out of that

I mean the closet in Willow and Tara’s dorm

Oh

Wait why are you with the lesbians?

Never mind, I’ll come to rescue you

My hero

Yeah yeah, I know

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Angel

Willow

Xander

Spike

Anya

Tara

Cordelia

Wesley

Fred

Gunn

Lorne

Doyle

Spike: We gave in

Angel: Sorry

Xavier: gave in to what?

Xavier: OH

Buffy: Ha!

Buffy: You have to go on double dates with Cordelia now!

Cordelia: Hey!

Doyle: I’m not forcing you to do anything

Angel: Good friend

Anya: Wait, why didn’t @Spike want to go on double dates when you and Buffy were together? 

Buffy: Like I’d allow that

Spike: I don’t want to go on a double date

Angel: Will, we have to go

Spike: Yeah, right bye then

-Group Chat-

Spike

Angel

Buffy

Spike: So?

Angel: No.

Buffy: No. 

Spike: What do you people have against threesomes?

Chapter Text

-Group Chat-

Faith

Gunn

Angel

Spike

Kennedy

Faith: ANGELKSBDSYEN

Faith: SAVE MEEEEE

Angel: I don’t know where you are, and I can’t come

Faith: WHY NOOOOOOT

Angel: I’m on a double date apparently

Gunn: Haha, Cordy got him and Spike to go out with her and Doyle

Faith: Lmao, you’re gonna die

Faith: NOT AFTER I HAVE THO I NEED TO BE SAVED

Angel: Faith, what’s going on?

Faith: WESLEY WANTS TO TUTOR ME IN EVERYTHING IM OBVIOUSLY FAILING SO IM HIDING IN A CLOSET

Spike: What is it with you two and hiding in closets?

Faith: I will tell you again, beg you again, SAVE ME.

Spike: Yeah, we can't really go anywhere

Angel: We’re kind of stuck

Spike: And Cordelia just asked us who we were texting to so we really gotta go now bye

Faith: Guess I’ll just die then

Kennedy: Want a strong woman to save you?

Faith: YES KENNEDY HELP ME

Kennedy: Only if you give me the cute redhead’s number

Faith: I think she has a girlfriend

Kennedy: Oh

Kennedy: Well, I can work around that

-Private Chat-

Willow

Kennedy

Hey

I’m seeing someone

Worth a shot

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Willow

Xander

Oz

Cordelia

Buffy: Hey do you guys know where Giles is?

Buffy: I’ve been looking all over for him, can’t find him

Xander: nope

Cordelia: Nah, I haven’t seen him, sorry

Willow: You passed by his house yet?

Buffy: I’m about to, I’ll text you back

-28 minutes later-

Buffy: Okay, I am officially traumatized

Willow: What’s wrong?

Buffy: I came by Giles’ house, right?

Xander: yeah?

Buffy: Guess who opened the door…

Oz: Giles?

Buffy: Ethan. Rayne.

Xander: NO

Cordelia: Wait, Buffy, you sure?

Buffy: Absolutely

Buffy: He just kind of...stood there

-Private Chat-

Buffy

Giles

Buffy, talk to me.

no.

Well, I’m sorry but am I not allowed to have a personal life?

no

Why?

Because, you’re...very very old and its...gross

Ah.

-2 hours later-

Wait, didn’t you have a girlfriend?

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Willow

Xander

Oz

Cordelia

Buffy: So…Giles and that Olivia woman broke up…

Willow: I kind of figured

Buffy: Does this make Giles Spike’s stepdad?

Xander: uhh…

Buffy: That’s weird

Buffy: Like

Buffy: That’s really weird

Willow: Well, you’re not dating anymore

Buffy: Still weird

Buffy: They’ve known each other since like, forever

Buffy: Giles probably knew Spike’s mom… personally

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Angel

Willow

Xander

Spike

Anya

Tara

Cordelia

Wesley

Fred

Gunn

Lorne

Doyle

Buffy: WHY IS EVERYONE SUDDENLY GAY???

Spike: Awww, straight girl feels left out?

Buffy: Hey, who said I was straight?

Cordelia: You did

Tara: Multiple times, actually.

Willow: Pretty sure you said it today…

Buffy: OKAY FINE I SAY A LOT OF THINGS

Buffy: I’m just saying…endless possibilities

Buffy: BUT THATS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT

Doyle: …What is it?

Buffy: GILES.

Buffy: GILES IS DATING SPIKE’S DAD

Spike: Well, yeah, I knew that

Angel: Yeah, I did, too

Tara: Known for a while, actually.

Fred: He’s pretty open about it :3

Buffy: W H A T ???

Spike: Wait, you seriously didn’t know that?

Buffy: …no

Spike: Isn’t Giles your sort of dad?

Buffy: …yeah

Spike: How didn’t you know?

Buffy: I don’t get into his…personal life…

Buffy: It’s gross ._.

Fred: I get that :3

Lorne: Freddles, dear…

Fred: What? :3

Spike: …Do you know like one emoticon?

Fred: :c

Spike: Oh, I guess not

Fred: I like it…

Lorne: It’s cute, sweetie, dw

Fred: :3

Chapter Text

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Willow

Xander

Buffy: So…idk if I’m straight anymore…

Willow: Why, bc we bullied you abt it yesterday?

Buffy: No, uhhh other…reasons…

Willow: :o

Buffy: Maybe it’s just a girlcrush

Willow: Buff, take it from a lesbian, no such thing exists

Buffy: But what if it’s just a phase?

Xander: you have a sexy phase?

Willow: And suddenly he lives…

Xander: respectfully, ofc

Willow: Ofc…

Willow: Anyway, who is this sudden awakening abt?

Buffy: So, you know that cute girl who keeps sitting with me during European history?

Willow: SATSU?

Buffy: …yeh?

Willow: Oh, she’s super cute! Tara and her take Greek art together :)

Xander: oh, I know her. I’m friends with a friend of hers

Buffy: You have friends that aren’t us?

Xander: HEY!

-Private Chat-

Buffy

Spike

Hey.

Hello?

May I ask you why you’re texting me?

No offence

None taken, I, uh, wanted to ask you something

As long as it’s nothing weird…

Why would it be weird?

Idk

You’re weird sometimes

Well, that’s mean

Sorry, Slayer

Why do you even still call me that?

Dunno

You had that metal obsession when we were dating

Wasn’t that why we started dating?

Probably lol

Anyway, enough about the past

I actually did want to ask you something

What is it?

How did you realise you were, you know…gay?

I’m bi -_-

Bi, then

Idk

I just like both ig

Never really thought much abt it

And when I came out, nobody really cared, so it didn’t cause me to think abt it more?

I mean, Dru literally said, “Me too” so it wasn’t that big a deal

You already knew back when you were already w/ Dru?

Before that even

Why didn’t you ever tell me?

Well, like I said, didn’t think it was a big deal…

Besides, you’re currently having a sexuality crisis, so I assume it wasn’t

What gives?

You literally asked me how I realised

I thought you'd gotten over your crush on Cordy…

My WHAT?!

Wait, that’s not what we're talking abt rn?

Shit

No, I have a teeny tiny crush on a girl from my european history class

European history?

Dude, that’s so gay

Did you just call me ‘dude’?

We’re friends, aren’t we?

I guess…

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Angel

Willow

Xander

Spike

Anya

Tara

Cordelia

Wesley

Fred

Gunn

Lorne

Doyle

Buffy: Endless possibilities…

Spike: :)

Angel: Are you cheating on me?

Spike: What?

Buffy: What?

Angel: What?

-Private Chat-

Buffy

Satsu

Hey, can I talk to you abt something?

Sure, what is it?

Do you maybe want to meet up? The Espresso pump or smt?

Yeah, sure

Now?

Now?

If that’s okay

No, it’s okay, I can head over there now

Okay :)

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Angel

Willow

Xander

Spike

Anya

Tara

Cordelia

Wesley

Fred

Gunn

Lorne

Doyle

Buffy: Teehee :3

Spike: Istg, you need to stop…

Buffy: Yihihi

Spike: Stfu

Buffy: Y?

Spike: …

Buffy: I’m just happy :3

Cordelia: Why are you two talking about this in the gc?

Buffy: Bc I wanted to tell you guys something by hinting but Angel immediately thought Spike was cheating on him :/

Cordelia: Well, Angel is a jealous bitch

Buffy: Oh believe me, I know

Angel: What the fuck?

Buffy: Not to be mean, we’re just stating facts

Buffy: Oh shit I should stop texting now

Spike: What, why?

Buffy: She’s frowning at me, we were meeting up and after we talked I just stared at my phone

Buffy: Giggling

Spike: WHY are you texting us anyway???

Buffy: Idk I wanna share my happiness, I’m generous like that

Buffy: Anyway gtg

Willow: What was all that about?

Spike: She’s on a date

Cordelia: With who??

Tara: Omg, is that who Satsu is hanging out with rn?

Willow: Pretty sure :)

Cordelia: Oh no

Spike: What?

Cordelia: BUFFY

Cordelia: BUFFY I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY

Cordelia: DO NOT BREAK THAT POOR GIRL’S HEART

Cordelia: She deserves better than that

Spike: Wait, you know her???

Cordelia: She’s friends with Doyle

Doyle: She’s really cool. Parental issues, we related.

Cordelia: Except for the cool part

Doyle: Cordy!

Cordelia: Sorry, sweetie, but you can’t tell me I’m wrong…

-Group Chat-

Faith

Gunn

Angel

Spike

Kennedy

Faith: Give me attention I’m borrreeed.

Angel: Why did I ever agree on being in this gc?

Spike: Weren’t you gonna hang out with kennedy or smt?

Faith: Nah Kennedy’s boring these days

Faith: She still has that Willow crush

Spike: Right

Spike: Why?

Kennedy: Stfu

Kennedy: I know you’re team Tara

Spike: Tara is one of my best friends, ofc I am

Kennedy: Dick

Spike: WHY DOES THAT MAKE ME A DICK???

Kennedy: Fuck you

Spike: Oh Jesus Christ

-Spike has left the group chat-

Angel: Now look at what you’ve done

Kennedy: What??

Angel: That’s my boyfriend!

Kennedy: Well, I don’t understand what the fuck I have done wrong

-Angel left the group chat-

Faith: Damn this is insane

Kennedy: Men are so fucking emotional

Gunn: What?

Chapter Text

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Angel

Willow

Xander

Spike

Anya

Tara

Cordelia

Wesley

Fred

Gunn

Lorne

Doyle

Spike: guys i burnt my toast

Spike: why?

Anya: NO

Anya: NO

Spike: i faggot about it

Anya: NO GOD THATS TERRIBLE

Anya: so young and innocent

Anya: WHY DID IT HAVE TO SUFFER TELL ME

Willow: i faggot about it

faggot 😭😭

Anya: TELL ME WHY THAT BREAD MUST BURN IT DIDNT DESERVE THAT

Anya: WHY, TELL ME WHY

Anya:  i faggot about it

oh wait was this a joke

Anya: it’s very humorous!!!

Spike: i actually did burn my toast

Spike: but it was also a joke

Anya: NOO

Anya: NO

Anya: THE TOAST IT WAS SO YOUNG

Spike: i ate it anyway tho

Anya: oh ok then its fine

-Private Chat-

Buffy

Angel

im up for the threesome

Spike sent that

why are you at Spike’s house?

because I am

oh

I wanted to come

oh, ill leave you alone then

why?

well, we all know what you are going to Spike’s for

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Angel

Willow

Xander

Spike

Anya

Tara

Cordelia

Wesley

Fred

Gunn

Lorne

Doyle

Buffy: SPIKE BIT MY PHONE SO HARD THE SCREEN CRACKED😭😭😭

Tara: WHAT

Tara: HOW

Cordelia: THATS CRAZY 😭😭

Buffy: HOW

HE BIT IT

Tara: WHY WAS HE BITING YOUR PHONE

Buffy: BECAUSE HES SPIKE

Tara: BUT WHY

Buffy: Anyway

Buffy: He kept talking about this Irish guy its really annoying

Spike: Liam Andras that is

Buffy: YOU DONT EVEN KNOW YOUR OWN BFS MIDDLE NAME???

Spike: **Aindréas fuck off

Angel: …thats not my middle name?

Cordelia: Do you even have a middle name?

Angel: I do?

Spike: what is it?

-10 minutes later-

Spike: Berry loved to play in the snow. But so did the meat worm.

Tara: what.

Tara: im so confused?

Tara: am I uneducated?

Willow: im so confused

You’re not the only one.

Tara: good

Spike: It almost feels like Christmas except I’ve got no eggnog. Thankfully, I can just milk some more from my creature.

Buffy: what is happening

Tara: i dont know

Tara: im scared

Spike: The family enjoys their milk at the table. Little do they know, it was harvested from  my creature.

Buffy: real

Buffy: r u also lactose intolerant to the milk of the creature??

Spike: I ran out of ketchup, so I went down to the basement. The creature whimpered, he knows it’s time for another milking session.

Cordelia: for ketchup??

Buffy: WHAT CREATURE ARE WE TALKING ABOUT

Buffy: WHAT IS GOING ON

Buffy: IM GOING INSANE

Xander: Berry loved to play in the snow. But so did the meat worm.

r/twosentancehorrorstory

Spike: read them to Angel yesterday

Spike: he doesnt like them, even went out of his way to text me today about this

Spike: “why would you show me that on our date” — ACTUAL quote

Buffy: you read those to him on your date?

Buffy: wow, love really is dead

Xander: reap

Spike: reap

Willow: reap

Tara: reap

Anya: reap

Buffy: reap

Xander: **real FFS

Spike: Anyway I think theres something rlly important we need to address

Spike: Buffy how’d the date with Satsu go???

Buffy: im literally sitting in front of you

Spike: yeah and you still didnt tell me, i had to resort to this

-5 minutes later-

Willow: Well, im curious now, too, speak

Spike: buffy and satsu kissed or whatever

Willow: OMG???

Willow: Really???

Buffy: shut up

Willow: So, does that mean there’s gonna be a second date?

-Private Chat-

Spike

Angel

Buffy still with you?

yeh

why?

Is that not…

…a bit weird?

why cus shes my ex?

shes ur ex, too

Yeah, but I dont hang out with her every week

then maybe you should think about what that says about you instead of what it says about me, yeah?

-Private Chat-

Willow

Wesley

Hey, Will

You have class with Fred, right?

Omg Wes, everyone knows you have a crush on her

Do they really?

Yeah

Even Fred?

Wel, no, i guess not

Okay thank god

What did you want to ask me about her, then?

Has she ever said anything about me?

omg

-Group Chat-

Buffy

Angel

Willow

Xander

Spike

Anya

Tara

Cordelia

Wesley

Fred

Gunn

Lorne

Doyle

Willow: i hate straight people and their inability to communicate themselves😔😔

Spike: as if gay people can communicate

Buffy: guys im making spike watch hsm

Spike: this is suprisingly entertaining and i dont like it

Angel: hsm?

Buffy: High School Musical

Angel: Oh god

Buffy: We’re currently watching the second one

Spike: Chad and Ryan are so gay

Buffy: True!