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Chapter Text

The Doctor couldn’t believe everything that had happened; the Master being resurrected; the drums being real; Rassilon trying to come back; the whole of Gallifrey appearing above the Earth; the Master helping him; Wilf in the radiation chamber. 

He could have done much more if he had more time. But time is never that kind. Not even to a Time Lord. He despaired what would have become of him had he stayed. “At least Wilf is safe,” he thought to himself as he was stumbling to the TARDIS. Coming at a rest at the console, he let out a sigh. “A few more trips left in you?” he asked out loud, then smiled slightly when her lights flickered in response.

His first stop was Donna’s wedding. He couldn’t come too close of course; his own fault. But giving the winning lottery ticket would have to do. Second was Martha and Mickey, they really should be more careful. He won’t be there to save them next time, after all. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

He hoped the best for them, out of everyone. They deserved happiness. 

Next up was Sarah Jane, that was the least he owed her. An actual goodbye - instead of abandoning her. And not even in the right place, at that. Then one last meeting with Jack. He hoped Jack knew how sorry he was. Even if he would never say so out loud.

With a heavy feeling in his hearts, he put in the coordinates for the last trip. London, January 1st, 2005. He couldn’t cross his own time stream, but he could go back to before she met him. Rose Tyler, the one that mellowed out his ninth face. Even now when she doesn’t know him yet, she was still so kind and bright. Seeing her again put pain in his hearts. And then the radiation pain made itself known again, as well. Letting her go one last time, he went back to where he parked.

The old Ood couldn’t help it, hm? Had to go and rub salt in his wound. Even though the song was beautiful in its own right. It was heartbreaking to know he couldn’t run from his fate anymore. 

This would really be it. 

His foot almost caught on the TARDIS threshold at the thought. He staggered and grabbed the handrail. Yanking himself upright and stumbling to the controls. As the TARDIS whizzed off into orbit, he could feel the regeneration energy burning his cells away. He couldn’t help but feel angry at his next self. Why couldn’t he stay? Wasn’t he allowed more time? The burning felt excruciating through his whole body. It started at his toes and made its way up. 

He felt tears welling up in his eyes and willed them back, muttering a teary, “I don’t want to go.” He leaned his head back, losing all sense of self as the burning energy consumed his whole body. Burning away all he was and would be.

Chapter Text

His? Her? Their? They decided to stick with the last one for now. Their ears faintly recognized the sound of explosions. But they couldn’t do anything. This burning feeling, it felt like too much. They were nothing and everything all at once at this moment, not recognizing up from down and left from right. It could have been hours or even days. It felt like all of time was ending right there and then. 

Then there was a scream and- oh. OH, that was them! They felt like they could move again, like they had regained control over their body again. And they immediately, nearly fell. Whoops, okay. Let's see. 

They checked all of their (his, it turned out) body parts and saying them aloud helped ground him. There was still the faint sound of things breaking and he could feel a lot of turbulence. Something was happening, something important . 

He was crashing! He laughed in glee as he rushed to the console. Then he let out a “GERONIMOOOOO” before whizzing out. He heard the TARDIS groan heavily. He sure had roughed up the old girl this time. Let's hope that would be all he hurt with this face.                                          

He was back to watching galaxies spin around. He needed time to think - he just needed to process - even if this regeneration didn’t like to sit still. Even now, he was lightly wiggling his hands and swinging his legs. He saw River, and he knew this would happen. He just didn’t realize how soon.

He sent Amy to bed after River left; he needed to be alone. He didn’t like remembering all the painful things, but he felt like it would be okay for one night. It was not like he needed sleep, that’s what he told himself at least. 

There was something eerie about that crack. It seemed to have followed Amy somehow. Even through time and space. It would have been fascinating if it wasn’t so scary. He didn’t like how he had put Amy in danger so much already. He didn’t like how she was taking after him. 

Davros’s voice echoed through his mind. ”This is the truth, Doctor. You take ordinary people and turn them into weapons.”  

When he first heard it, all he felt was anger, he had been so angry. But with a new perspective… He didn't like this, not one bit. Shaking his head a bit he looked back at the galaxy swirling and spinning. He would just have to do better. Come on, Doctor! No need to linger on the bad.

Rory got erased. He never even existed. He was gone and it was the Doctor’s fault. Amy didn't remember, either. He had ruined yet another life. He had chosen to bring Rory, and now he was gone. 

How long until he would cause Amy’s death as well? How long until everything happy he has touched dies? How long until nothing mattered anymore? He almost wanted to hurt himself for it. And that thought shocked him out of his stupor. No matter how much he hated himself, he couldn’t do that to Amy, Rory and River. Or, rather, to Amy and River. Not when they still cared about him. 

He couldn’t even get Amy to remember Rory, either. He sighed and patted the TARDIS console, before resting his head against her. He was just so tired. “Oh well,” he thought to himself. It wouldn’t do to sulk. It'd be best if he started planning on how to make Amy happy. He jumped up and went to the library. He was sure he could find something!

He remembered sitting in the Pandorica, and he remembered how he was okay with dying because it would save them all. It would save River, and Amy, and Rory. And Rory. Rory was alive and he was so happy about that. It just proved how extraordinary Amy was; she couldn’t remember him but had still brought him back from the dead. So he was okay with dying. 

But Amy just couldn't let him go could she? And now he was back too.

And he went to their wedding!!!  

He was honestly so happy. He had just dropped them off for their honeymoon and was now back at his favorite galaxy, watching it swirl around. This might have been the happiest he had been in a long while. 

His mind was finally quiet. The TARDIS hummed in the background, and he smiled at his old girl. He couldn’t help but be fond and happy today. He just hoped it would last.

It did not. 

Amy wasn’t here, and she hadn't been for a long time. People were so afraid of him and what he had done, what he was doing, what he might possibly do, that there was a whole organization to stop him. And they had taken his best friend's child. Amy was stuck on Demon’s Run and he hadn’t even noticed. Stupid, stupid, stupid . Stupid Doctor. 

But he wasn’t going to let her go. He would rip the universe apart to find her if he had to. And find her he did. It was time to organize a plan. 

He called in all the favors he could. Of everyone who owed him. There was no escaping his wrath. He would tear Demon’s Run down. They had taken his best friend. And even if it was his fault for not noticing, he wasn’t going to let them go unpunished.

He should have known it wasn’t that easy. Melody was a ganger. Melody Pond was River Song. River Song was sent to kill him. Trained to kill him. He couldn’t save her. But she would be okay. His bespoke psychopath. Now it was a matter of setting his plans in motion. If he were to die, then he was going to do it his way, and no one else’s.

But he couldn’t help but think how much happier everyone would be had he saved Melody. Would all this have happened if he hadn't been in the picture? Wouldn’t it be better without him? This was why he didn't like staying still; too many thoughts.   

He noticed the Pond’s apprehension about traveling with him. Them being split between their lives. He never wanted to let them go. Not ever, not his Ponds.
But he knew their luck would run out. And that he would ruin all that was good about them.

Luckily for him, a perfect opportunity arrived; the invasion of the cubes! The day he chose to stay with the Ponds was the best. He got so much time with them. Watching movies while eating fish fingers and custard. Playing games together. Just being the three of them but without their usual shenanigans - or otherworldly danger.

The dark thoughts had been the quietest they had ever been. Even his ever busy and buzzing mind was less apparent. Then the cubes finally activated and he was back to his running mind, going 100 miles a minute. Living with 1 heart was and always would be painful, and that was besides the fact that he couldn't survive forever. Amy was both worried and annoyed, and he was happy to see her be herself. He wished these times would last forever.

Which is, of course, why they didn’t .

He lost them. He lost his ponds. He saw both of them die and disappear in front of his eyes. Amelia Pond and Rory Williams. The girl who waited and the boy who waited. Of course they would follow each other everywhere.

But why did the universe have to take them. He already broke 3 glasses in the TARDIS kitchen after River left. 

They told him “Don’t be alone” and then left him alone. What did they expect him to do?

The TARDIS had been trying to get him to leave their room. Amy and Rory’s. But he couldn't force himself to. He didn't know why he tortured himself like this. Looking at Amy’s glasses and Rory’s jacket. Sitting in their room as if they would come back.

He hadn't moved in hours. Just staring at their bed. Not processing that he wouldn't ever see them again. His Ponds, forever lost to him.

Since River knew the Doctor too well, she contacted his friends. Vastra, Jenny and Strax. But he couldn’t bear to hurt them too. Like he hurt and ruined everything.  Everything that he touched would eventually decay. So he mostly stayed in solitude in his TARDIS on his cloud. 

Every day, he let his friends know that he was alive, when he would go for a walk. And every time, after he left again, he stayed inside the TARDIS. He'd been doing this for forever. He felt like he was losing himself.

He needed to make himself pay. He remembered those thoughts. And suddenly he had an idea. Instead of just going back to the TARDIS right away, he walked to the market and bought a small pocket knife. The TARDIS would know his plans and would never let him continue.

Arriving in his room he pulled up his sleeve, exposing his left wrist. He put the knife against it and pulled downwards. He jumped slightly. 

The pain was sharp and sudden, but it felt deserved. 

Before he let himself think more, he repeated the same action a couple of times, each time in a different spot. 

He saw red seep out of the wounds, trickling down his arm, and it felt cathartic. 

His blood, for all of the suffering he caused.

Maybe he could show the universe how sorry he was for everything he had caused.

Rose. Donna. Martha. Mickey. Jack. Rory. And Amy. 

As well as the countless others before them. 

Everyone he had hurt by being close to them. And he kept selfishly doing it. 

Those thoughts sparked another 7 red lines. At least now he would suffer physically. He would repent with his pain. 

He could vaguely feel the TARDIS’s worried murmurs, but it didn’t matter now.

He didn't matter.

Chapter Text

Meeting her for the third time was. Unexpected. All the same voice, yet very different. She didn’t remember him. Maybe for the best in the end. He had done his best to move on. Not well mind you. But he tried. She was funny and clever. She made jokes and laughed at his in turn. Clara helped him out of his depression just by being there. He was so happy she agreed to travel with him.  Their first (third?) Meeting was chaotic. But he rescued her. Kept her safe. It warmed his hearts.

They traveled and they laughed and. He felt happy. He still misses Amy and Rory. (And everyone else). But she eased the pain a bit. He didn't know what was up with her. And how she could exist across his timeline. But it didn't matter for now. He decided a bit of a break was in order. 

Clara walked alongside The Doctor. Looking with wide eyes at all the markets and species around them. She never could have imagined this was real. That this existed. She pondered a bit about her meeting with the doctor. How he acts like he knows her. He kept watch the whole night and rescued her specifically.  

She didn't know what would drive a person to do that. Not for someone you don't know yet. And sometimes his eyes would shine like he was about to cry. And when he thought she wasn't looking she saw him mouth other names. 

It was clear that whoever he was, he was old. And he lost a lot of people. Clara was just happy he took a chance on her. Speaking of that. He was happily explaining -and babbling- about all the different species. And the importance of this market and its traditions. His hands moved wildly and his face bright.

She loved when he got like this. Truly happy and passionate. So happy to explain that his limbs moved without his input. As if to signify how important it was. She knew a lot of humans eyed him when he did this. But not one alien seemed to mind his habits. It made her happy to see.

He deserved to get his moments like this. Where he got to be him without all the trouble and pressure of needing to save people. After a bit of walking along the markets and The Doctor having explained the currency of this world. That being items with memories attached.

Of course it couldn’t last and things went pretty crazy from there. But Clara was beginning to get that it was just part of this life. So these people feared a parasite posing as a god who killed hundreds of people. Big deal, it was mind you. But the thing that shook her the most?

The Doctor’s reaction to her being  in danger. He was so determined to save her. Like he couldn’t think of anything worse than losing her. And it scared her to mean so much, yet also intrigued her? It made her want to get to know him.

More than just the bits he dropped about his past himself occasionally. The way he looked at her. She almost couldn’t take the intensity. And after returning to The Tardis she could see he was shaking. And more worryingly, scratching at his skin.

She wouldn’t let him beat himself up.

The Doctor prided himself in being pretty calm and collected. Except when it came to Clara Oswald it seems. Seeing her in danger so soon after joining travels with him shook him. He was so happy -and proud- of what she did. but Davros’s words still echoed across his mind.

He hoped Clara couldn’t tell how worried he was. But the way she looked at him indicated otherwise. They walked back to The Tardis in relative silence. He was turning the events over in his head. Picking apart the things he could work on and do better. To prevent all this mess from happening. When they crossed the threshold he was half tempted to run away. His anxiety was getting the better of him.

Before he could however, she gently grabbed his wrist and stopped his scratching. It became second nature so he didn’t know when he started today. Or how long he’d been scratching. When she went to pull away.He mumbled “wait” and laced their fingers before he let himself think too much about it.

If it shocked her, she didn’t let it show. Instead giving him a gentle smile and squeezing his hand. “So Doctor, you feel like hanging out in the library a bit?” she asked. Voice full of happiness. Was she not mad at him? He was confused by this.

He nodded, deciding that maybe company wasn’t the worst thing. not if it was her. He led them to the library, Tardis still not liking her and he had an edge Clara didn’t. The telepathic connection with The Tardis allowing him much easier passage.

She was glad he made the first move. It showed that some part of him did want to be known. As he led them to the library, hands still tangled. She couldn’t help but feel a little giddy. Don’t get her wrong, adventuring with him was definitely fun.

But it was nice to just have some quiet time to relax and decompress. And what better place than a library in a time-ship? She tugged him to one of the couches, but not before picking up a random book.

She sat along one side of the couch. Giving him the choice of how he wanted to position himself. He stood there for a few moments. Before slowly -no doubt giving her time to change her mind- sitting with his back against her side. And his legs spread along the rest of the couch, his feet dangling over the edge.

Then hesitantly, he moved his head so it was near her pulse point in her neck. Clara didn’t mind, just happy to help him. She then opened the book she grabbed ‘Percy Jackson and the Olympians, the lightning thief’ and began reading.

As her voice rang out and described the story, giving separate voices to different characters. She felt his body release tension, slowly but surely. But she knew he was still awake, his feet slightly moving and his fingers curling and uncurling.

He was still confused, why wasn’t she scared? But as she let him make the choice of coming closer or settling on opposite sides, he realized she may know him more than he thought. As he settled into her side he made sure he could feel her pulse. It helped reassure and comfort him.

He didn't know how long he would be able to sit still but it was comfortable. And that’s when he heard pages rustling and she started reading out loud. Because of course she already thought about how restless he was.

Her voice was soothing to listen to. And as she went on, he found his anxiety and stress just melting a bit. Happy to be here and listen to her read. His body releasing the stress that felt like it came straight from his DNA, finally getting a release.

She was a good storyteller he realized, made good voices and a nice narration. She also did some pauses for dramatic effect. He was lucky to have found her, he thinks. He wasn't intending to. But he was just so comfortable that before he could think about it. his eyes closed and he fell asleep.  

When she finished chapter 8, he was already asleep. She smiled at that, putting down the book and grabbing the blanket that appeared. She whispered a “thank you” to The Tardis and covered The Doctor's body with the blanket. A soft blue fleece with a glow in the dark stars pattern. And closed her eyes herself. She would just rest her eyes for a bit.

When she woke, she was lying down and was underneath the blanket. Something soft was underneath her neck, bunched up so it provided support. And awareness came slowly, she was way too comfortable. but she woke up eventually and opened her eyes. He was gone, that brought a slight sting. But when she sat up, rubbing her eyes. The door opened and the doctor walked in, tray in hand.

“Ah i was hoping you would still be asleep when i came back. I got breakfast! Didn’t exactly know what you’d like. So I grabbed a bunch of things. Hope that’s okay” a smile broke out on her face at his long winded explanation. His hand that wasn’t holding the tray was gesturing wildly as he spoke. “That's okay, thank you for bringing me breakfast” she said genuinely.

Once he got a bit closer she could see him better. His tweed jacket was gone, leaving him in his undershirt with his braces. His hair was wild and unkempt and his bow-tie was askew and loose. He looked well rested which made her heart warm.

When she sat  with her back straight against the side of the couch, she realized what was under her neck. His coat jacket, folded neatly. and her smile grew bigger. He came and sat next to her. Closer then he needed to and put the tray on her lap. “enjoy!” he said with a big smile.

On the tray was a lot of things, to put it nicely. There was a bowl of custard with fish fingers next to it. There were bananas and oranges. Some toast with chocolate sprinkles. And a small plate with some pancakes and syrup. She was astonished, how long had he been up?

“Wow Doctor, this is a lot. I don't think I can finish it all. want to help me?” she asked. He nodded with enthusiasm and his smile grew even wider. He reached for the bowl of custard and started dipping his fish fingers in them. So that was why they were together she thought.

She herself took a pancake and started eating it. As they ate they talked a bit. About her past and her life and what she wanted. But he also shared bits about his own life and past. She learned that he was over 900 years old. That he studied at a place called ‘the academy’. that a Tardis was supposed to be piloted by 8 people. And that she wasn’t the first to travel with him.

Eventually when almost the whole tray was gone, he spoke up. Averting his eyes and wringing his hands together. “Clara” the way he said her name made her shiver. It was always with this intensity, like you were the only thing in the world “I wanted to thank you for yesterday”. His voice was nervous but genuine.

“No problem, Doctor!” she said. and she meant it, she was happy he let her help and didn’t fight her on it. He looked relieved and beamed at her. When the entire tray was empty her stomach felt so full she swore it would explode. “Go rest and relax.” he said. Grabbing the tray. “We'll take a break for today”.  Before she could respond he was out of the library.

At least he had his energy back. She hoped he would be okay. Still, she couldn’t help but feel slightly giddy. They had fallen asleep together. Even if it was accidental, it still made her feel warm and happy. She gave herself a few moments to regain her composure before heading to her room.

He awoke slowly, before realizing he wasn’t in his room. Or even fell asleep at The Tardis console. He opened his eyes to find the library? And his pillow was moving. Oh right, he fell asleep on Clara while she was reading. Well he must repay her for her kindness!

He carefully stood up, pulled off his coat. Folded it to make a pillow, placed it and then gently picked her up and laid her down stretched on the couch. Grabbing his blanket and tucking her in. He quickly walked to the kitchen and started working on breakfast.

His endless energy sure came in handy in times like this. He walked back and forth in The Tardis kitchen. Grabbing several things and slightly humming to himself. He grabbed a tray and neatly put everything down. Then grabbed a bunch of things to make a smoothie. Filling 2 empty water bottles and placing them in the refrigerator.

He picked up the tray and walked back towards the library, he softly opened the door. Not wanting to startle her. He found her already awake, if still a little groggy still. he walked and explained himself. When she invited him to sit and eat with her. He couldn’t stop his grin.

The morning was so nice he couldn’t help but slip a few tidbits in about his past. She made it so easy to do so. Never pushing and just reacting like she did when he would say random facts. It soothed his aching soul a little bit. 

After giving a reminder to take it easy, and to tell her no adventures today. He opened the door and left. He had a growing list of things to research. And while most people would have lectured him for yesterday, she didn't. He didn’t understand that, nor why his hearts felt so warm when around her. But it wasn’t a bad feeling and that’s all that mattered. He walked to the console room humming random sounds to himself with a skip in his step.

He was in a good mood today, and The Tardis could tell. Sending ‘happy confusion content’ his way. He answered the same back. Not quite understanding what was going on. But happy and content nonetheless.

Arriving at the console room, he quickly headed down the stairs. Trailing his left hand across the wall as he descended. Making sure The Tardis knew he was there. And just to show a bit of affection. He began tinkering with her inner workings a bit. Nothing substantial, just a few fixes and some re routing her mechanisms. Working through some questions in his head. When his hands kept busy, his brain worked better. That's what he found out at least.

After quite a few moments of working there was a clanging sound and he jumped. Hitting his head during it. “ouch.” he whined, lifting his left hand and rubbing the sore spot. "Sorry Doctor!” Clara's voice rang out.“No worries, i’m coming up” he called back. Suppose it was time he took a break actually.  

His hands were streaked with mechanical dust and his hair was a mess when he ascended the stairs. Clara had to try really hard to not burst into laughter. He just looked adorable like that. When he reached the top and saw her with hot cocoa and jammy dodgers his face lit up.

“I thought you could take a break," she said. Sitting down on the stairs and handing him a mug. "Thank you!” he said happily. She noticed that he seemed a lot better then when they came back yesterday and felt really proud to have accomplished that. They drank and ate mostly in silence. Just happy to both be there. without prompting she took a risk and laid her head on his shoulder. He briefly tensed in surprise, before melting underneath it. and letting his head rest on top of hers. Wrapping one of his arms -awkwardly- around her shoulders.

“Thank you for yesterday.” she said softly. “Even though it ended in disaster?” he asked, voice cautious. Like he was expecting something bad. And she felt something protective rise in her chest. “I wouldn't expect anything else. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t help those in need. And i had a cool time looking around markets and exploring with you.” she explained.

“She could feel the last tension drain out of him. “Then you’re welcome in that case.” he said. Clara hummed in reply. before letting silence set in. Sometimes it was nice to take a quiet moment when you could. The Doctor snapped his fingers, and The Tardis doors opened. Revealing a purple and blue galaxy with a core of yellow swirling around itself. Clara awed softly at the sight of beauty.

The Doctor smiled at Clara’s reaction. It was moments like this that made all of it worth it. As they stared in silence at the colors. He felt his hearts settle. Finally calming down completely from yesterday’s ordeal. She was safe, in his arms. And he wouldn’t let anything happen ever again. He vowed to himself. And to her, albeit silently and without her knowing.

knowing.

Chapter Text

He has come to a couple of realisations after the long years on trenzalore. First of all, he misses Clara a lot. He sent her away for her own safety. That didn’t do much to alleviate the burning guilt in his chest. Second of all, the worst moments weren't when he was fighting off attacks. no, the worst moments were when there was nothing holding his thoughts at bay.

He was in the middle of a spiral about how many companions he’d let to their demise. When he heard the whooshing of the Tardis again. He hadn’t expected the old girl to make her way back to him again.

Even still, the sound doesn’t lie. He makes his way over, slowly since he began aging. And what he saw was enough to break whatever was left of his hearts. The sight of Clara clinging to the Tardis. Frozen to the bone and shivering enough that it was a miracle she didn’t fall. Would be burned into his memory forever. He did that, he caused that pain.

He shook out of it, for now. Helping her was more important. He helped her over towards his tower/workshop and wrapped her in a warm blanket. He could tell when the feeling in her body had returned. Because she was suddenly wrapped around him with a death grip.

“i’m so sorry Clara” He muttered into her hair as he returned the hug. She shook her head violently and just clung onto him harder. This was his fate then, he supposes. 

Clara still had not let go of The Doctor. How could she when he looked so sad, and old. How long has it been for him? She couldn’t help but wonder, even if the thought of him alone hurt her. She understood the reason for sending her away, didn’t mean she had to be happy about it however.

Finally at last, she drew back and looked at him properly for the first time. His face did a good job of hiding his emotions. But his eyes didn’t. It was like all the sadness and regret had just stored up there over the years. “You didn’t think you could get rid of me so easily didn’t you?” She broke the silence first.

And she was rewarded with a small smile, which she counted as a win.
“Clara Oswald, I wouldn't dream of it” he said sincerely. “Charmer.” She responded.

They fell silent for a bit, content enough to just bask in each other’s presence for a while. Clara took in the space she was sitting, it was filled to the brim with drawings and gifts of children. Which made her smile a bit.

It still hurt her to think of how many nights he must have spent alone, and how long it had been since he last saw her. He was definitely older then she last saw him. And she wasn’t sure how long he still had.

But all that mattered for now was that they were together again at last. She wouldn’t let him spend another night alone if she could help it.

 They eventually ended up sitting next to each other, Clara leaning into his side. When he started speaking and couldn’t stop himself. He had so many years to think about everything and he wanted to share them.

“Did I ever tell you about who I travelled with previously?” He asked her, knowing full well he hadn’t.
“Bits and pieces, you wanna share more?” She answered him easily.
It was enough for him to launch into adventures with Rose, how they first met. what they saw together and how she handled it. all the way until she ended up in that alternative universe again.

With every tale of their adventures together. he felt a piece of him becoming less heavy. Especially with Clara chuckling at their antics and squeezing his hand when things became tough.

Eventually he ran out of stories to tell, so he continued on her personality, her stubbornness but also her loyalty. “She sounds like a right match for you Doctor.” Clara remarked at one point. and she had no idea how right she was.

Next up was Martha Jones, and he told her everything. including his regrets over how he treated her. But he never regretted travelling with her because she was brilliant.

He continued like this until he had reached everyone recent. and he just fell silent and rested his head on top of hers.

“i’m old Clara. Older than you can imagine. I sent people away because I didn't want to risk your life more than I already have” he admitted to her in a tired tone.

She said nothing, but did squeeze his hand a bit harder at that. And he was content to just fall into silence together.