Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Oh raven, won't you sing me a happy song?

He was four when his life got turned upside down
Four when everything was engulfed by red hot flames
Four when through the smoke, he’d call out for his mom and dad
Four when the smoke was so thick his voice couldnt come out anymore
Four when he woke in a bed, in an unknown bedroom
Four when the flashbacks to this moment would make him think

I should’ve run

Sometimes, a long introduction isn’t really worth the hustle, sure one could tell quite some about the day a now orphaned kid woke up in an unknown bedroom, about the feeling of loss, sadness and guilt washing over someone who wasn't supposed to feel that until much much later in life, about the gut churning fear he felt when a strange man dressed in black came into the bedroom, about all his body screaming at him to run away as far as he could but yet unable to move a single muscle. Sometimes, the only thing you need to know its how it all started

“My name is Bishop, and from now on, you belong to me”

I will not give up until I see the sun

Five years old had just started
Five years seemed further away than four
Five years isn't supposed to feel like this– wasn't supposed to
Five didn't know this, because it was the first and last time he was those

Five wouldn't know until twenty

There is something weirdly odd and strange in not having your birthday celebrated for the first time in your life, and in this particular case, something sour too, as it was a reminder you were no longer at your home, your parents had abandoned you, and if not from the strange man in black, you’d be dead; and… well, you see, one was supposed to be happy he wasn't below ground in a casquet or turned into ashes in the wind, but this one wasn't that one.

This one wanted to go home

The majority of the time, he was a prisoner in his bedroom, sure he had toys, and food, and water, but he also had strangers holding him down, and prodding with needles, and treating him like he was the monster under the bed his mother had told him wasn't real, so, so many times. But Payne was convinced it was the other way around… cause you see, monsters lie, and hurt and betray, monsters don't hold their promises… and monsters insist, once and again and again and again, to be called dad. How could he call the man that met everything his parents warned him about dad?... … god

He would give everything to hear those warnings again.

The door opened three times that day, one was food, two was getting more blood samples out of him, and third was the charm. Three times they entered, and three was the number he counted up to before bolting under the person's legs and running for it. And maybe he could’ve escaped, but he didnt take into account the people working there, he didn't take into account he didn't know the place, and he didn't take into account the fact that Bishop could move that fast. It was a mere blink, a slight fraction of time, and suddenly he was being held up by his wrist and carried back.

Note to self: screaming, kicking, biting and hitting doesn't work

“Why did you run?” Easy, he wanted to go home “Your house is ashes” don’t care, didn't ask, anywhere but here “Your parents are gone” still, don’t care “Listen ł̵̥̘͌̊͆̕͜ī̷̺͛̌͆́ⱦ̶͍̊ⱦ̴̠́ł̷̙̖̖͗͑ͅē̵̱̂̍̾ͅ ̶̦̯́͗͊͘ꞡ̶̛̻̗́ī̶̝͎̈͜ɍ̷͔̯͚͕͂̔ł̴̻͌̀̇͝ we have a few rules here, I’ve been patient because of your loss, but I’m your new dad now, and your new dad has a monster within… and if you try to do this again, I don't think he’ll be able to control it” even though Bishop was looking directly at him, Payne somehow felt like he was talking to another person, even if they were both alone in the room, so he didn't take the warning to heart. Maybe he should’ve had, but you can't ask from a kid for more than what you are willing to give back.

Also, his real father would’ve never succumb to a monster… specially if the monster would hurt his child

At the end of the day, not celebrating your birthday was another reason to run away from there, which only made the list to keep growing and growing without counterpoints that convinced him staying and trying to play along was his best option. You see, fear wasn't yet so ingrained in Paynes' mind that he would obey Bishop without much of a second question. No. This kid was ready to fight, to run away and find a real home. A good home

A five year old didn't know how far freedom really was from him

Welcome to the panic room, where all your darkest fears are gonna come for you

He was still five years old when he started to realize he couldn’t run away
Five years old and refusing to call the monster dad
Five years when he clings on for dear life to a friendly hand
Five when he unknowingly spends his first sleepless nights

Five years old when he goes through a nightmare outside of his dreams

“You are testing my patience” the kid recoils further into the rooms corner, with a low hiss, tasting something like iron and dirt in his mouth, looking straight at Bishop while he cleans his bleeding hand– Payne doesn’t have a recollection of doing that but the awful taste in his mouth states very clearly that that wound is, indeed, his doing. He wouldn’t need to bite if these people would just let him go, but for some reason he didn't understand, nothing he could do made them give up on him. He had bit, scratched, kicked, screamt and escaped his bedroom multiple times now, and even with all that, he still found himself practically hauled back into his prison.

Honestly, the fact that the adults outnumbered him was very unfair

“I’ve tried warning you” the monster stood up, towering over the child and glaring at him, the kid doing his best to glare back, even when the churning of his guts made it very difficult to do so. The human finally left him, and Payne thought, for a brief moment, maybe he had finally given up, but not even two minutes passed before he got three adults into the room. Payne didn't even have time to process what was going on, he just knew suddenly there were four hands holding him down, gripping hard at his wrists and ankles, and then another hand held his head and another put a piece of cloth over his beak

Everything went dark

He woke up confused, his head hurting like someone had hit it hard with a hammer. There was a steadily yet unnerving sound of droplets of water coming to an end against what sounded like a puddle somewhere within wherever he was and the rest was.. dark, still, oddly silent. Scary. terribly scary. Payne let out a whine, one of his claws clutching at his clothing and… and his claws were not sharp anymore, must have gotten cut down while he was sleeping. Payne swallowed hard, crawling and getting his knees wet, the new sensation getting a jump out of him– all the floor was wet. And therefore, his clothes were wet…

He was alone and scared

There are a few downs to a dark, wet, isolated room with a constant steady sound in the background that never seems to stop and that you can't find the source of. For one, you have no way of telling how much time has passed. For two, you can't sleep it off, cause the floor is wet, and hard, and that unnerving noise won’t let you. For three, you never really liked the dark and falling asleep here might mean waking up somewhere else this time, maybe even worse. For four, the chances of breaking a fever are high. And, for five, no one can really hear you cry that you are sorry and won’t do it again.

The only up is when somebody finally opens the door, and gets you back to your room

When you are five and feel trapped, alone, scared and like monsters surround you, you cling on as hard as you can to the first friendly hand, the hand that takes care of you after every punishment, that brings you candy and lollipops every once in a while, that brings you back to health, reads you bedtime stories, protects you from the monsters and hugs you when you are scared

That is, at least, until seven realizes five and six were never really loved

The light of reason gone, n' hope has been successfully undone

He is seven years old when he learns how to control his body from the outside
Seven years old when the hand lets go
Seven years old when he is abandoned once again
Seven years when the monster stops being one

Seven when he calls the monster dad

There’s so much a five year old can do to fight against being locked away in a dark room every time he misbehaves except cry and scratch at the door… so after five reaches six, he's starting to get too tired to keep fighting and has assumed that the safest bet is to shut down the part of his mind that keeps trying to tell him to run away, and life turns into kind of a videogame. His father, his real father, let him watch when playing the console. You see, Payne never actually touched the controller, but he remembers barely enough to know that some buttons did some things, like moving, attacking, picking up…

He just had to learn which buttons moved his own body

The only time where he didnt had to press at those was when the only person that seemed to care about him was in his bedroom, tending to his wounds, speaking softly, hugging him and consoling, talking sweet words about how Bishop was actually a good person and didn’t really want to force his hand on Payne, but, you know, the boy was so disobedient that Bishop had no other choice but to punish him. And maybe four turning five wouldn't have believed that, and five had his doubts, but six started to believe it in order to survive and seven reached a point where he found that explanation soothing, because it was easier to believe that you were an ungrateful misbehaving kid than making everyone around you to be the bad people.

So he believed it and punishments slowed down

It never truly stopped, cause seven was still a kid, no matter how deep down he buried five memories and the kid he was back then, he still lashed out, he still was scared, he was mad because no matter how good he wanted to be, he always failed. Seven was not enough, six should've learnt faster and better and five should've just accepted his new reality and the crumbles of fleeting love he was being offered and maybe then seven could've accomplished what was expected of him.

Maybe that way, he wouldn't have been abandoned again

The person that had been his anchor told him he was tired of his behavior, that he had expected so much out of him, that he had had faith in Payne because he had gotten better… but it wasn't enough. He couldn't take it anymore, so he was leaving Payne. It didn't matter how much the kid cried, how much he begged his caretaker to stay, how much he screamed he didn't want to be alone, how much he tackled the door, pounded on it, scratched in an useless attempt to open it. It was like losing his parents all over again

He had suffered a lot of punishments, but this one seemed to be the worst of all

Payne didnt know for how long he cried until the door opened and a familiar voice broke his spiral of self-hatred thoughts "What's wrong?" He had left, Payne couldn't meet his expectations so he had left him. He was never going to see his caretaker again "Everyone is going to leave you… after all, you are not human, nobody will ever love you enough to stay, and the sooner you understand that, the better it'll be" and the kid believed it, because it was his fault, it was always him… even Bishop would abandon him someday, right? "I would never abandon you, because I understand what you are at your core, and I won't give up on you"

Dad would never give up on him

Take my heart, pull it apart and take my brain, or what remains

Payne is nine when he enters the lab for the first time
Nine when fives doubts and strive for freedom come back in full force
Nine when the last thread to said freedom gets cut down
Nine when five are also the nights he is forced to stay awake

Nine when five wouldn't be remembered until twenty

Since calling Bishop dad, Payne never really had someone like his previous caretaker with him again, his dad being the only one that truly cared enough about a young and wild boy like him, about an animal like him to always stay around. Even with all the times he misbehaved, even with all the headaches he gave Bishop, even with how many times his misbehavior hurt his father, he stayed. Bishop bought him comics, books, teddys, toys, anything Payne wanted or needed… he was pampered in love and affection even after he had let Bishop down and as a result had gotten punished

Why couldn't he be more human? Be the son Bishop truly deserved?

Maybe he should accept that he’d never be what his father asked for… but if Bishop did not give up, neither would Payne. So seven have kept up the good work to compensate for sixs and fives faults, eight had been burying five, the obstacle stopping them from becoming the perfect son and nine thought he was ready. Nine had been keeping up the good work, nine had been following orders suit, had been staying still when prodded with needles, had been diligently going to train with Bishop, never asked for anything, always said thank you, always stayed still even when he didn't feel like he wanted to be touched, always swallowed his anger, always swallowed his tears.

He had learnt all the buttons, so he never pressed the wrong one

But nine was still a child and so he didn't know there were more buttons that could be pressed in his little controller, so when the time to use those came, the remote was suddenly gone and there were no buttons anymore, just five screaming at him to run away, run as far as possible, run, fly even, and never look back. He had never been taken to the lab, never held down while a lot of hands tried tying him up to a table, his beak had never been held shut to put some kind of… muzzle? on him. So all the emotions that had been carefully suppressed came crashing down and as a result more than one human got hurt and Payne just… ran for it.

And by ran you can very well mean he literally flew

Even just some centimeters above the floor, Payne felt powerful and unstoppable, not even the fact he kept crashing into things being enough to actually stop him and let the others catch up, the hopes of someday making it out of there five had coming in hard again and giving him a much needed dose of adrenaline. He could see the door that lead to the area above ground, a door he had passed many times and never could really, truly, access but that now was the opening to freedom… except because Bishop was, again, too fast. Too prepared. And very angry

One moment Payne was flying, and the other he was back in the lab, and his wings weren't whole anymore

Everything happened fast, too fast. One moment he was almost out, and the next there was a net on him, then catching poles like he was some kind of stray dog, then he was being laid face down, his wings being forced open and scissors cut the tip of his flight feathers. From that moment and on, everything was blurry, he didn't even remember when exactly he took back the remote control, just that he started pressing the buttons again. His whole body ached, the metal table under him was cold, and Bishop seemed to be discussing something with the rest of humans… Payne didn't adjust the volume of the game until Bishop got close.

Payne was to spend there as many days as people he’d hurt: five

Every move got the restraints pressing down harder on him, every attempt at trying to sleep would end in an electric shock to jolt him awake. He wasn't allowed to rest, he wasn't allowed to cry, he wasn’t allowed to ask how much time was left

Five had ruined everything, and nine would make sure it’d never happened again

We ain't playin' now, can't turn and run, no water guns

He is ten when he finally gathers the courage to tell his dad he’s not a girl
T̶e̸n̶ when his dad agrees to call him Payne
T̷̮̭͓̲͠ͅe̸̖̬͆n̶̯͆͐ when he doesn't have to blurr out what wasn't making him himself
T̵̘̥̀̊é̸̯̽̈͠n̶̊̋̒̍ when Bishop tells him to man up

T̸̰̹͙͑̍̅͌ę̸̮̳̝̻̍͌́̈́̏͝n̶̆̓̾ when his weapons became real

There are times when coming out of a closet is a very important, life changing kind of deal, where things get easier or much harder, but this story isn't about that, because even though it is, indeed, a big aspect in how Payne presented himself, on how he became more comfortable after finally hearing he, him, his, little boy used with him, it didn’t change how Bishop treated him, or how his life went on.

His dad wanted to make him into the perfect son, and his gender didn't matter for that

Payne had a little bit of a brainstorming for his new name, as he didn’t want another name from the people who worked with his dad cause well… the last choice was regrettable. So much it hasn't been worth mentioning in all this story. When he finally came up with one, it was thanks to one of his books, and Bishop did not oppose that too much so.. win win? But yet again, this part isn't as important, because again, apart from validating Paynes gender, it didn't have much impact… or at least didn't seem like it, and Payne was too happy about the whole outcome to actually stay to see how the ball he just threw was bounced back to his face.

But yet again, ten wouldn't know until twenty

Next time he went into the training room, Bishop handed him a gun “shoot it”. A gun wasn't anything new, he had played with those and the pellets before, it was kinda fun honestly, and getting bullseye gave him lots of praise and sometimes books and plushies and new clothes so he was all in to start the usual drills. Except this time, when it shot, the sound shook his entire core. It was loud, deafeningly so, it made a hole in the bullseye and it smelled like something burnt. Payne immediately let go of the gun like it was suddenly on fire, his breath fighting to stay steady, his hands too shaky to take his controller and press the buttons “pick it up” no “Payne, pick it up” no “Payne

Pick. it. up.”

He stayed three nights awake and got back into the training room “Pick it up” no “Pick it up” please dad, I’m scared “Payne, pick it up” please dad “Stop acting like a s̷̰̠͙̐̃c̵͇̹̔͂̍a̷͕͓̻͎͋r̵̘͠ė̶̮̯̃͗͝d̴͈̈́́̌ ̸̭̘͔͍͌̃̋͘l̴̼͈͉̦͆̇͂̈ĭ̵̟̟͗t̵͉̤͐ţ̸͉̟̯̀l̵͕͘ḙ̴̲̞̎̊̎͜͠ ̴̙͚̯̻̃͘g̴̘͈̃i̵̘̒͜͠r̸̮͂l̴̪̄̀̏̕ͅ and pick the gun up” he couldn't, he couldn't, please, he couldn't, he didn't like the sound, he absolutely hated the smell, he wanted his pellet gun back, please dad, please, please, please “You disappoint me, are you really a boy Payne?” yes, yes he was, but it was scary, he was scared, please… please

He would stay another three nights awake

“Pick it up” where was the controller? he swore he… ah, yes, there. Easy. X to pick the gun up “shoot it” O to shoot the gun “Payne?” ah, right, R3 to hold the tears back. Keep pressing on ⊡ to stop the shaking… and– wait, his breathing, was that under control? nope, not at all, darn, needed another controller for this, or more buttons– yeah, more buttons would suffice. R2 to breathe, R1 to smile at dad. He was fine, he was strong, he could make Bishop proud “Again” O “Again” O “See, was that so difficult? why do you have to make everything harder than it needs to be, son?” son, yup, right, his son. Bishop was proud of his son. Payne was sorry for the drama, he wouldn't do it again.

“Good job, Payne”

Big boys don't cry, shoot low, aim high, eat up, stay thin, stand out, fit in

Payne is ţ̵̣̱͓̆̓̒̽̕w̷̨̰̼͆̒̕ḷ̷̢̙͓̆̽ē̴͉v̶̛͚̔̓̚e̶̯̊̂n̸̞̈́͠l̵͉̼̥̄͑͛̀͒v̷̳̖͘e̷̥̙̲̒̓́̔ when he knows hears voices
T̴̢̧̹̎͌ͅw̴̹̉̄͝ė̴̝̎̀̈l̵̨̢͍̏̃̓̎Ȅ̵̥̱̈͜͠ḷ̷̢̙͓̆̽ē̴͉v̶̛͚̔̓̚e̶̯̊̂ when he uses his mystic powers for the first time
Ȅ̵̥̱̈͜͠ḷ̷̢̙͓̆̽ē̴͉v̶̛͚̔̓̚e̶̯̊̂l̵̨̢͍̏̃̓̎v̸̟̫͍̻̚e̶̜̳̊̊ when Bishop promises him he wont let him turn into a monster
T̴̢̧̹̎͌ͅw̴̹̉̄͝ė̴̝̎̀̈l̵̨̢͍̏̃̓̎v̸̟̫͍̻̚e̶̜̳̊̊ when he needs to see that pretty pink glow again

T̴̢̧̹̎͌ͅw̴̹̉̄͝ė̴̝̎̀̈l̵̨̢͍̏̃̓̎v̸̟̫͍̻̚e̶̜̳̊̊ when he meets Bishops friend

From the day he fired the weapon, Payne had been going through an extensive training program, not sleeping had become normal, his muscles aching to the point it made him faint was also normal. Bishop had to find the right weapon for him, so until that was accomplished, Payne couldn't stop. Té̶̤͙͋͒n̶̛̳̼̗ had to be perfect, and to achieve that he had to forget about everything that made him four, that made him six, that made him seven: his toys, his plushies, his tears, his anger, his pain, his love. The only thing that mattered to him was that e̸̓l̴̪̘͌͆ͅe̸̹̰͈͛̒̔v̶̛͗͌̂͝e̷̺͎͆́̑n̴̓̈́͒ had to be a soldier, had to be of help, had to be obedient, had to know all the buttons of his controller and make new ones as needed on the go. There was no room for imperfection, no room for doubts, no time to stop and question if all this did really stop him from becoming a monster instead of turning him into one.

And ignoring the voices he was starting to listen was also a top priority

They would shut up as soon as he went to sleep, so he just had to force his body through harder than he was already doing, to finish quickly and finally rest. Payne was doing very well, so well that he got his own weapon designed just for him, because Bishop could see which kind of fighting style adapted best to the young yokai thanks to all the hard work Payne had been putting in. It was a kusarigama, modified so it had a blade on both ends instead of just one.

Bishop was so proud of him

Mastering the weapon was a whole ordeal on its own, and Payne cut himself multiple times when swinging it around, each time resulting in Bishop being disappointed and in the voices getting louder around him and more difficult to ignore. So much so that they made him lash out at the wrong person in the worst moment. He spent four days without sleeping, incapable of ignoring the laughs surrounding him in that empty room. ̶El̶̸̶̶̶̶̶̶̦̓̈́͘͠e̶̵̶̶̶̶̙͔̓v̶̵̶̶̶̶̶̥̙̦̎ȇ̶̷̶̶̶̝n̶̷̶̶̶̶̠͖̎… ț̶̢͋w̸̤͖͋̓̉͝ë̵͖̤͍́̿̃͗l̴̞͙̰̱̓v̴̨͚̝̊e̵̩͓̘̳̓͝?̸͂ blames ten for not doing a perfect job, and.. and… himself, for not noticing his perfection needed work. But he could do better, he would do better. All to make his father proud, all to not become a monster, all to not be abandoned again.

And so, in the next training session, he stopped a hand axe thrown at him mid air

He didn't know how he did it, just that he didn't see the axe coming, so he raised his hand in a poor attempt to protect himself or catch the weapon midair and, instead of that, he made it just.. stop. The axe glowed a pretty pastel pink, and Payne felt something like a buzz reverberating through him, a full on shiver that shook him to his core and made him smile wide, the controller completely forgotten, the voices falling silent. He felt happy, proud and incredibly alive. He could feel five somewhere in his mind, a little tickle of hope, beaming with childish wonder at this new beautiful thing… that was until he saw how his father looked at him.

Payne shoved down five, took back the controller, and apologized

“It seems you’ll never change, child” Payne didn't know what those words meant, what had he done wrong? He didn’t intend to stop that hand axe, he wouldn't do it again, he’d swear on it “but don’t worry, I’ll make sure you are kept under control… you won't become a monster, not under my watch” and with no more explanation, he ordered Payne to his room, and locked him in. The yokai felt lost, and confused, he hadn’t been punished but it wasn’t hard to tell how… disappointed Bishop was. Payne looked at his hands, moving his fingers, he had swore he wouldn't do it again but… but it was so pretty…

Just once more wouldn't hurt anyone, right?

So Payne watched in awe his favorite plushie float, slowly rocked by that strange soft pink energy until it reached his lap, making him giggle in awe and moving on to another object, practicing this strange ability until he heard a hiss from the door and sent the objects flying back to where they should’ve been. It had been quite some time since he had tried to hide something from Bishop… but if his dad noticed, he didn’t say anything about it. It wasn't hard for the young yokai to notice the man beside his father, another yokai, one that looked like an anthropomorphous badger

“Payne, this is Theodore, he’ll be supervising your training from now on”

Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking

Payne is t̸̛̟̻̓̋͗ḧ̷̼̄̍̒͝ ŗ̸͔͉̆͐̉ w̵͖̄͐͘e̷̹̹͛͠ļ̸̲̝̝̅̍ e̴̱̍͊n̵̯̈́͒̓ when he learns to control his mystic powers
T̶͈̑͛́͘͜w̴̖̭͒̀e̶̼̜͊͝ ę̸͙̫̀ń̷̟͂t̷̹̖̀ ḛ̶̡͋́̍͠n̷͆ when Bishop gives him a pet
He is t̵̅w̵̅͘ ļ̵̺͉͂̊̽t̷̞̼̩̭̀̀̀e̶̜̺͐̀ n̴̚͠ when they try Empyrean on him
E̷̮̿̽̍͑ȩ̸̏t̵̫͆ḫ̵̢̘̇ ẃ̷̧̩́͠ v̴̯̙͂̑̀ is to kill for the first time

T̷̝̾̈́̅̍ẉ̶̿̈̂e̸̝̣̐l̸͉̗̯͒̅̄ ̶̥͕̈́͊̀̍ţ̷̅́̚ḣ̴͍̞i̶͚̟̣̟̒͌̿̆r̷̝͋̀ ̷̨̪͕̟̇̋v̶̨͔̥͖̂̕ȅ̷̡̘͈͝n̶͖̗̘̅ when he cant do it

“Again” Payne breathes heavily, a whine scaping him, forcing his body in an attempt to lift the multiple objects again, only managing to move them a little before dropping to his knees, too tired to keep trying, his newly discovered mystic powers putting too much of a strain on him “Again, Payne” Theodores voice is merciless, cold, disappointed, it pierces through Paynes mind like he was being scolded by Bishop. It had been two days with no stopping, Bishop and Theodore taking turns to make sure Payne didn’t rest until he managed to lift multiple objects at the same time. Too soft, too weak, not enough of a man, not enough of a son

It's not that hard, Payne, stop crying

When he finally managed to do what was demanded of him, he had to be sent into the infirmary because his body couldn't handle it. In other circumstances, he would’ve welcome that stay on the infirmary, because he finally had access to his pills and he could finally rest and sleep but everyday he would be reminded of how disappointed Bishop was of him, so instead of resting, he didn't ask for his pills and thous got sleep only when one of the doctors or nurses remembered to give them to him. Once he got out, he was sent to his room and there he was greeted with Bishop holding a guinea pig, which made Payne… very confused, what was that for?

This is your pet now, for your hard work. Keep it up, and you’ll be allowed to keep it

So see, Payne didn't ask for a pet, the idea never popped into his head, so he uuh… didn't know what the fuck he was supposed to do with it. Sure he could give the poor animal food, and water, and a shelter, but he didn't dare pet it or touch it because the thing screamed and Payne didn't know what the heck was wrong with it so he could only guess he was hurting the damn thing, so he just… was contempt with giving it fruit and hay an watching it go after his fingers like a tag game and, okay, that part was very amusing, he could give that to the little guy. As time passed and Payne got better with his mystic powers, he dared to ask for toys, things his pet could chew, or books on how to take better care of guinea pigs. He ended up getting attached to his pet, naming it Darrel cause he felt like that was a nice little name

He read that guinea pigs are happier with a partner, so he asked Bishop

Bishop stared at him, like mauling over his sons preposition, and finally said “if you want another, then we’ll have to step your game up”. So Paynes training became more demanding, more tiring, more dangerous, to the point where his mystic powers couldn't keep up. “There’s something you can try” Bishop suggested during one of those sessions, and handed him a little glass vial with a green substance inside it “drink it”. Payne obeyed. The pain was almost immediate, it felt like something was ripping through him, breaking open all his muscles and bones and then putting them back together.

Payne screamed

There was almost nothing he couldn't do, so Bishop started taking him out along with Theodore to test the limits of Paynes powers. It was scary, absolutely terrifying, losing himself like that and waking up to things he barely remember doing and to a pain so great he couldn't almost move a single muscle

“This is to make you stronger, stop struggling…”

He hated it, please dad, it hurts, it feels awful, it's doing something else to me… th-the pink is gone, it's turning green… please, please, I don't want to do it anymore

“...and stop fighting it, it’ll only make things worse”

No, no, nononono, no more, please the voices where louder now, he couldn't take it, he couldn't even take proper care of Darrel like this

“Are you saying you don't want a friend for Darrel?”

W-Well… of course! with a friend Darrel would stop feeling so lonely, but… wasn’t there any other way? There had to be something else he could do, right?

Right?

Payne was taken back into the usual training room, looking around, confused, and then, before him, he saw a cage– and inside, trapped, there was some kind of animal? It looked like someone had been playing doctor Frankenstein with it. Not human enough to be like Payne, but not animal enough to be normal. Theodore stood next to the creature, getting away from the cage as soon as Payne came in with Bishop. The creature looked young and was similar to an older fawn, except that, well, it was blue, had fangs and its eyes were more to the front than to the sides

“Kill it, and you’ll get a friend for Darrel”

Payne opened his eyes wide, looking back at the creature and gripping the handles of his kusarigama hard, gulping and getting closer to it, raising his armed hand up. The creature looked at him, eyes wide open, trembling and making a sound that was way too similar to what Payne identified now as Darrels happy squeak. He couldn't… he couldn't do it

I can't do it, it's… it’s defenseless, I– I can't, dad, I can't

Bishop just shook his head, disappointed “You are too soft, Payne, I should’ve guessed you wouldn’t be man enough to kill a monstrosity” He nodded in Theodores direction and then.. there was blood. Payne took the controller. R3 to swallow your tears, R2 to breathe. Move the joystick, follow Bishop. Sit on the bed. Say goodbye to Darrel. Nod to Bishop. He wasn't mature enough to kill, he wasn't mature enough to keep his pet. It was fine, everything was fine, it was his fault. The door closed. Payne took one of his pills

He cried until the effects kicked in, sending him to sleep

Chapter Text

Ain't nobody gonna save you, so what you gonna do?

He gets sent into the Nexus
Payne experiences one of the worst pains he's ever been through
He kills for the first time
Almost loses his arms to the Empyrean

He might be fourteen, but he isn't sure anymore

Payne sat down on his bed, his eyes regaining focus as he absently stared at his wrapped arms, the bandages hiding the cracks that made his arms look like they might apart at any moment because of how much Empyrean he’d had… Bishop had been mad at the yokai badger for not putting the correct amount inside the vial, so, you see, that had been nice. At least it wasn’t his fault this time, which was a relief

Get wrecked, Theodore

It was the only thing kinda holding him up at the moment, because for the rest, his mind was a big mess. There were flashbacks playing on repeat, clear as the sky in a nice summer day: of how he had been sent flying into a wall by his opponent, The beast he was called, of the rest of fighters taking pity of him because of how little, young, and weak he was, convinced that the one who was going to die in that arena was going to be Payne and not Big Mamas favored beast, of the fear he’ve felt when facing the gigantic creature and of the dread when he had realized if he didn’t kill it, he was going to be the one that ended up dead. He also remembered the screams, the cheers, the deafening roar the yokai crowd made, how it had remembered Payne about how Bishop said the lot of the yokai were monsters.

I mean, what else could enjoy seeing a bloodbath?

He could also clearly remember the amount of pain his body went under, how he had screamed while he felt like he was breaking from the inside and out… and then everything was– blurry. See, he had this lingering sensation that he had been moving fast, that he had been slashing, choking the beast while not letting it get to him, but he couldn't put the finger on how he did it, or how it happened, or what happened around him while he slowly but surely well…

Murdered it

Had he been conscious, had he not been a coward, he would have given it a quick death.. right? He sighed, maybe not so. He went in with the sole idea of protecting himself as best as he could, but when faced with the option of killing it, he’s pretty sure he would have failed in doing so. Even if The beast would’ve turned out to be weaker than Payne was, the yokai was pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to kill it… just like he couldn't kill that strange looking fawn, or other creatures Bishop had given the opportunity to kill before sending him to The Nexus. Payne let out a shaky breath, laying down on his bed and staring at the ceiling

Since his pet wasn’t with him anymore, the silence had been deafening

Unfortunately, that meant the voices were louder and crueler than had ever been, reminding him of his weakness and of how he had mercilessly striked down his opponent. Payne groaned, holding back his tears, everytime he closed his eyes he could only see the dead creature staring at him with dead cloudy eyes, laying in a pool of blood. Payne got up, quickly going to the bathroom in his bedroom and letting even his breakfast out. He groaned, getting up and washing his mouth before going back to the bed. His eyes trailed down to his nightstand, letting out a long sigh

This was far from over, right?...

He felt tears prickling at his eyes again, blinking rapidly and not letting them spill out, he didn't deserve to cry, and he didn't have the energy to do so, he had to get back on his feet and mentally prepare for the next fight, even if it wouldn't happen until his arms were better. Payne opened the drawer of his nightstand, taking out a sleeping pill and popping it into his mouth, laying down as soon as he swallowed. While waiting for the effect to quick in, a couple of thoughts were on his mind, shutting the voices out. He couldn't let fear overtake him again and he couldn't let himself be weak, because being fearful and weak meant losing control over himself and making things longer than they needed to be…

If he was to kill, better man up and do it quickly next time

They say pressure makes diamonds, how the hell am I still coal?

The Nexus wasn't so bad, it’d turned out
Least all the gore, and blood and, well… killing
But he manages to make a… friend?
Can’t be sure if that's what she is though, he’s never had one

Her name was Briggite

After many battles, Payne had become almost a marionette every time he stepped into the ring. taking the controller and just doing what has to be done, killing or not, the objective was to be fast, to finish everything as quickly as possible so he didn’t have time to think, or to be tempted into consuming Empyrean and entering into a state of haze. The Empyrean was inevitable sometimes, as his opponent was bigger, faster, more lethal… and Payne refused to die. He wanted to make Bishop proud, his father was doing all this for him so he had to live up to his expectations.

After so many days of repeating this like a mantra, he had ended up believing it

The days slowly but surely turned into weeks, and the weeks to months, the only thing breaking the monotony being the occasional visit to Bishop with an update on his battle skills, on how he was able to kill monsters without much of a second thought. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough– he had to be more, he had to be perfect, he not only had to be able to kill, he had to do it while looking his enemy in the eye.

Payne was still too soft, wasn’t enough

Never enough. N̸̢͕̞̓͑̒̚e̶̛̋ver enough. N̸̢͕̞̓͑̒̚e̶̛̘̋̋͝͝v̷̲̋̄e̷r enough. N̸̢͕̞̬̱̓͑̒̚e̶̛̘̋̋͝͝v̷̲̋̄é̷͇̫̋̇̓̕r enough. N̸̓͑̒̚e̶̛̘̋̋͝͝v̷̲̋̄é̷͇̫̋̇̓̕r̵͊ ̶̛͖͆̅̒e̵͈̰͆̏͆̀nough. N̸̢͕̞̓͑̒̚e̶̛̘̋̋͝͝v̷̲̋̄é̷͇̫̋̇̓̕r̵͖̞͊ ̶̛͖͆̅̒e̵͆̏ň̶̪͂̎͠ȏ̸̗̹͗͌̀̕u̸g– “Your stance is too off” Excuse me? “I said. Your stance is too off, kid” Payne turned around, seeing a big muscular woman with skin red like ashes, hair pushed up into a ponytail, showing her undercut, a single horn on her forehead, tusks protruding from her underjaw and an armor that reminded Payne of those of samurais in some of his history books. An oni? well, no matter, what the– what did she care how the fuck his stance was? “woah, jolt it down a bit would ya? you look like you’re going to bite my head right off if I dare misstep” well, maybe he might, what would she know? “HA! I’d love to see you try, little bird” this fucker “just for your information, birdie…

…this fuckers name is Briggite”

Turns out Briggite was some sort of a veteran, she had been into many battles in the arena. It was thanks to her that he knew how Big Mama didn't plan to put him into a fight for some time because the boy was barely holding himself up. “You know” Briggite had said once, after saving Payne from getting face plant into the floor after his legs had failed him “A good warrior rests now and again, kiddo” He didn’t had time for that, he had to train, had to be better, had to control the anger that was getting more and more out of control “well I’m afraid to inform you that any feat is harder to archive with an overworked and exhausted body, believe me, I would know” yeah, sure she would “listen here you little bitch, I’ve been in this longer than you–” she raised an eyebrow “I’m gonna use my hand to shut you up if you dare speak over me” he kept silent “that's what I thought, now you are gonna listen, got it?” he nodded “good”

Even though he would never admit to it outloud, resting did help him

He would try and sleep for the whole eight hours, and informed Bishop he wanted to try a different approach to training, to which his father agreed to let him try as an experiment. Only until he was out of the Nexus for good, so there would be enough data to compare his performance. Payne had Brigitte to give his thanks to, because after hearing how Bishop was, she came up with the words to help Payne convince him or at least give it a thought instead of immediately disposing of the idea like how it normally happened under the excuse of Payne being too young to handle shit on his own. Bishop had even told him those were well chosen words and that he trusted him to keep it up. Maybe his dad was finally proud of him, and it was all thanks to Brigitte.

That little happiness was, however, short lived

I move along, something's wrong, I guess a part of me is gone

…

Loss is hard, it doesn't forgive, it can come at the worst or best times, you never know, you never see it coming. One day everything is good, everything is as it's supposed to be, the next, everything comes crashing down and you are left with a void you might never be able to fill. Loss was an old friend of Payne. That didn't mean it hurt less. He'd just have learnt to live with it. And even with previous experience, loss still was… cold. Sudden. Merciless. Bitter.

That's how losing Briggite felt.

One moment she was standing with him in the arena, both fighting together, thinking destiny had smiled on both of them, that they would come out victorious… the next Payne had a misstep, Briggite putting herself between him and the enemy, and, just like that, she was gone.

And then there was a blinding rage

Payne had come back to his senses to find himself covered in blood. The monster dead, with Payne standing on him, feeling empty and hollow. The colors Briggite had managed to bring into his life disappearing, everything back to gray. Back at home, Bishop had hugged him

“I’m sorry Payne, maybe if I had said no to your new way of training, you could’ve saved her”

Bishop was right. He should’ve kept on training like always. The experiment was a bad idea. He could’ve saved her. He had been stupid, selfish and lazy. And now his only friend was gone

He’d never question Bishops training methods again

And I couldn't stand the person inside me, I turned all the mirrors around

Payne is fif–? well, no use in trying to count the years again, huh…?
The champion gets absolutely crushed
Payne finally leaves the Nexus
Bishop goes… away?

The yokai must learn to control the monster within him

“You are not fighting today” Payne lifted his head up, looking at the yokai brute in charge of the arenas doors, blinking once, twice and then looking over the yokais shoulder to take a peek at said gates. Was the yokai really telling him that the trembling old rat from moments before had defeated the giant squid? “It was not any rat kid. That was Lou Jitsu” … …. . . .

Who?

“... Lou Jitsu? Famous Nexus champion?... . . . you really don't know him? Action superstar? has a lot of movies?” yeah uh… no, not ringing any bells at all “you gotta be shitting me” oh, Payne wishes he was, at least he’d be having fun with this whole interaction instead of being confused as fuck “Where have you been living? under a rock?” an uncomfortable place to live at, if someone were to ask Payne “He– agh, no matter, I’m not gonna waste my breath on a sassy child. You get into those youngsters computers and look the internet or something”

Well, thanks for nothing, Mr Nice Guy

Payne followed the guard with his eyes, letting out a tired sigh and then getting up and out to where Theodore was probably already waiting for him, as he was usually informed of the end of the battle before Payne was “I thought today you were gonna get your ass handed to you” Payne didn't even spare him a look. Payne was afraid to tell Theodore that a rat had handed its ass to the squid instead, so he was afraid Theodore wouldn’t get the pleasure of watching him get beaten and was gonna have to wait.. oh, and on that note, he should really get that che–. A blow came fast and unforgivable, slapping Payne across his face “Careful, child…”

Payne took a deep breath

He should be the one saying that, the green on his eyes slowly fading as Payne fought against the urge to skin the badger on the spot. Only Bishop was allowed to punish him now, or did Theodore already forget what happened last time? The mentioned yokai took a step back, one of his hands to his arm, his whiskers slightly trembling. Afraid, as he should. Payne barely remembered, but Bishop had told him that he had almost ripped the badgers arm to shreds. So now Theodore wasn’t to punish him without Bishops supervision “you’re going to get it when we are back, child” The child shrugged, hiding his fear away under a practiced mask

Maybe so

He did not get punished for talking back to Theodore, because Payne was right, but he did get punished for losing control for those few seconds after the yokai badger had slapped him. Four days. Once that had passed and Payne was back in his room, Bishop had let him rest up; apparently he had something important to tell him, and the hallucinations had to be gone for that.

Bishop was leaving

Panic arose within Paynes chest, his breathing coming in short and feeling like there wasn't ever gonna be enough air to fill his lungs again “Breathe. You are not a child” he was trying, he was really trying, but Payne couldn't, Bishop couldn't– he couldn't leave him! What if he lost control? What if he hurt someone? Not even Theodore could stop him, Payne couldn't be left alone “You are to be given a collar. The collar has sedatives charged. If you lose control, Theodore only has to push a button and you will go down”

Payne felt relief washing over him, breaths slowly coming in easier

“You are, also, not to fight in the Nexus anymore” what? “You heard me. The EPF will assign you chores, things you must do around the city” Bishop took out the already mentioned collar, putting it on Paynes neck “You aren't allowed to use your cloaking broach unless the contrary is stated by your superiors. Your feather prosthesis will only be given to you if strictly necessary. You are to remain unseen, be stealthy and fast” Payne took his controller, he couldn’t press any wrong buttons. Now more than ever “Every mission will be carried out within a time frame, and each minute late is a sleepless night. Do you understand?” Yes sir

“Good”

This place is a circus…

So now Payne knows Bishop had left for Japan to look into something
Thing is, Bishop didn’t know Payne knew
And either all security cameras have decided to go on a strike
Or someone is very good at covering shit up

Which, honestly is kiiinda cool

Payne wanted written down on paper that it was never his intention to over hear a private conversation, especially not one that involved Bishop in it, as Payne knew better than to listen to what the adults talked between them but… but Payne heard his name and he couldn't help but to stop dead on his tracks, deciding to stick to the shadows and listen. He couldn’t hear all of it, but he heard enough to feel some kind of unsettling sensation in his stomach.

An armor, his name, and Bishop leaving for Japan

Japan? Bishop had told him he was going down to Florida so… why lie to him? Why didn’t Bishop want him to know he was going to Japan instead? And the armor… was it about the crazy monster that had been running rampant and which sightings, photos and security city footage had mysteriously disappeared? Payne was in the Nexus at the time, but he knew because Bishop had been fuming about none of his employees saving the footage anywhere and now it was completely gone from everywhere. The yokai thought that the person had to be both incredible and absolutely terrifying cause really, what kind of being is capable of completely whipping out all online and security footage in one fucking go…

…and leave no trace back to them?

He had quickly left, afraid of being found out by either Bishop or his companion, trying to quiet the doubts starting to plague his mind. He had to be on his best behavior, he didn't want Bishop to come back and be disappointed, there was no time for questions he couldn't get an answer to. So he buried those deep within him and later went to see Bishop off “Do you remember your instructions?” Yes sir “Good. I’ll see you in a month”

And with that, Bishop left

The next weeks were… weird, now that only Theodore was around and that Payne was sent out every few days when up till then he had only been allowed out to go to the Nexus. His missions weren’t that hard, really, only had to sniff around in search of anomalies and investigate them if the conditions were favorable. And that's where things got really weird cause… there was definitely something going on but…

But there was no way to actually prove it

So, okay, first mission, right? A simple task, really, he just had to go around the city and assess the damage caused by the armor in an attempt to trace back in time what exactly had gone down… but nothing came out clear. Literally nothing. His first try was the port, but he only came to see very angry workers about the damaged shipments and how it was gonna cost them a lot of money. Taking a look around, he saw claw marks, the very much broken cement floor like something very big had been smashed against it and a little drawing made with chalk that was kinda fun…

…and also, very much smashed, which was a shame

He went to Albeartos too, only to face the same kind of problem. There was plenty of property destruction, so much he didn't even need to go in to see it (which was a relief cause the police were investigating and being seen could be a big ass problem) but, for what he could overheard the owner of the place whining about, all the footage from their security cameras had been thoroughly deleted so they had no way of knowing what happened except for the bunch of kids screaming about monsters and the safety song which was not helpful at all. Payne sighed, like, really, that whole situation and only kids saw something?

It was ridiculous

… you just see the surface…

And then there's also this matter of a… uh…
A… vacay??

What the fuck is he doing on a fuckin cruISE?!

When you arrive at a place where there are still some traces of, you know, strange, big ass, pinkish… purpley? looking vines sprouting outta the goddamn ground like water would do from a fountain, you expect someone to have actually seen something. Anything, really. But the only thing you get from spying on the police and the citizens' conversations is just that the ferris wheel almost fell to the ground but a nice man apparently made the plants grow out of the ground and uhm… how did no one notice that was not normal? Like, forget the fact that apparently the man in question was fluffy and pink.

He.made. plants.grew.out. of the f u c k i n g f l o o r

Made Payne think that instead of focusing on the mission he could maybe start an essay on how blind/stupid/naive new yorkers were, or what kind of fucked up shit they had to witness everyday; because oh my fucking god, there was absolutely NO OTHER explanation as to why they would think that what went down in Albeartos was pretty mUCH NORMAL??

And you see, that wasn't the end of it cause it got weirder

As in, just a few days down the road, the EPF got reports about a basketball team turning into some kind of demonic creatures so they sent Payne down to get a better hold on the situation. But, yet again, the humans were treating the anomaly like it was an everyday play kind of thing, so Payne basically broke into the court at night in search of clues... and found nothing. There were crevices on the floor like some kind of heavy arch had been put there, and one of the court baskets had the glass where the hop was supposed to be attached to obliterated to pieces. Just for good measure, Payne got into the security room to skin through footage yet again, to no ones surprise, every record from that day was gone

Maybe the person was some sort of invisible entity with portals at hand

He didn’t drop this theory on the EPF of course, cause he was supposed to be efficient and serious and the invisible portal opening entity was anything but. Sigh. He did, though, feel very tempted of doing so after they pitched a call to the police. It was from a chef complaining about how some drunk green dude with a chef hat had destroyed his restaurant when trying to move a pile of dirty dishes off of a note?? And… okay, the complaint was heard, right? right. But how does one, anyone really, manage to obliterate a establishment and also apparently cause a fucking fire? While moving dishes away? Was he juggling while doing so? Payne went down to the restaurant, sneaking in once again but

came out with empty hands and none of his questions answered

Of course, he also didn’t find any kind of footage either when a… mutated… sloppy joe?? practically destroyed an institute, or more like, supposedly destroyed. Cause, you see, Payne went in with his cloaking brooch this time and he overheard some white kid called Gale screaming about getting slunchied to a girl who seemed kinda tired of.. Payne didn’t know of what, she just looked tired which, honestly, felt, but upon further inspection he didn’t find anything that corroborated the story. He couldn't get into the kitchen to take a look and when getting out of the institute he could have sworn he saw a… turtle?

Either that or he was as tired as the girl with the hair buns

The last thing he knew about this incidents was when he overheard some EPF agents complaining about how some magicians were claiming that they got kidnapped by a hippo man but said man was gone upon arrival and they couldn’t find anything on how he got dealt with or on who stopped him. Cause apparently there were four boys but the magicians were blindfolded so they couldn't see their faces. How awfully convenient. Payne couldn’t find it within himself to actually care, but he did find hilarious how frustrated the EPF and Theodore were with not only the magician incident, but all the previous ones.

After this last incident everything went… kinda quiet?

Payne was still out and about, sent to try and gather some proof using his human disguise. But everything came down to the same teenage boys in cosplay, really committed to the bit furries or humans with green skin which.. wasn’t of help. At all. He was able to manage an interview with the captain of the Daves, TimPayneforgotthegoddamnsurname or something, when he saw a shadow reach out to him out of the corner of his eye…

…and then he somehow woke up on a deck chair

… they cover shit under the rug

Like, seriously,

what the fuck?

He wasn’t going to be the one to complain about it, though? It was… absolutely fucking great? Payne was feeling at ease, he had this notion about how he was supposed to be somewhere else asking very important questions about a thing but he couldn’t care any less about what the fuck was it so… it probably really wasn’t that important. Also, just on a side note, his non-alcoholic spicy piña colada with a pink tiny umbrella for decoration and just the right amount of ice was the best thing he had ever had. So great he felt like dropping his brooch camouflage cause, honestly, why would he even care about being seen?

Risking the redundancy: This was great

Payne proceeded to look around the deck, letting out a long relaxed sigh when noticing everybody was either on deck chairs or having fun… there was a tiny spark of anxiety because he could have sworn he was all dressed in black and that was actually a mood breaker kind of deal, but when looking down at himself, he was actually wearing a pink hawaiian style kind of short-sleeved T-shirt, with its first two buttons open, yellow shorts, barefoot and a… he reached to his head, touching a pamela hat on which wing there were… sunglasses. Well, that was neat. Payne took said sunglasses, which glass was heart shaped and died in a hot pink color and proceeded to put them on. With that he laid back, closing his eyes

And then someone was screaming“MY FRIENDS” “MY SONS” “MY BFFS” “MY ENEMIES”

To which, okay, weird. He stood a little bit, using his elbows for leverage, and looked at where the screams were coming from, seeing some kind of weird floating TVs, all of which did so around a crying capybara, a pale teenager looking like she was having an identity crisis, a screaming rat man running from one side to another, another teenager who Payne could’ve sworn he had saw somewhere else, also having a crisis but not the same one as the other girl, and then a fluffy big pink goat man drinking his lemonade. And okay, the lemonade looked really good? so he stood up, ignoring all of what was going on, his eyes on the target..

Yoinked one lemonade to himself and left the other way

See he would’ve asked, maybe, but whatever they were watching on those screens had clearly messed up their vibe and Payne was not about to deal with… all that by asking, he was more interested in looking for something to entertain himself with, so he went to the above deck. The ambiance was more or less like the deck below, except quieter, which was welcomed, but not quite what Payne was looking for. There had to be a swimming pool of some sorts or some place where he could do something else to tire himself out before relaxing, right? Right but… before that, the breeze was really nice? so he walked up to the deck rail and leaned over, inhaling and giving a sip to the lemonade he took and

Oh my god is this what heaven tastes like?

It was the best thing he had ever had, so much that his mind decided to completely ignore someone below screaming “LEAP OF FAAAAAAAIIIIIIT–” followed by a loud thud as he was half way through his lemonade, choosing to get away from the railing instead of letting curiosity get the best out of him and actually take a look to see whatever the fuck had just happened. Payne decided to go up one more deck, following the screams of joy and fun and finally finding the pool, his eyes going wide at the size of it. He had never been to one, not that he remembered, but he couldn't care less. He quickly went up to where the pool was, choosing an empty chair deck to dump his pamela hat, sunglasses and T-shirt and immediately went running into the pool. Albeit there being a tiny little itty bitty problem with this brilliant plan

He didn't know how to swim

Which was enough to send him into a bit of a panic. Just a fraction but luckily for him he was close enough to were his feet could touch the bottom of the pool to not drown, walking up to the border and getting out to just… lay there, basking in the sun and his own shame and hoping no one actually saw him almost drowning and if somebody did, praying they gave him no shit about it.

“You okay bud?”

Payne cracked an eye open, looking up and seeing a… human? squatting right next to him. They were kinda cute, cat-like eyes and pointy ears, with tan skin that had some patches of white here and there, their wavy hair pulled up into a bun at the top of their head, their skin still wet with some water droplets here and there. Yeah, Payne was okay, why were they asking? “Well, you’ve been laying down here for like, fifteen minutes, people started wondering if you were dead or something” actually no, he’s very much alive and having the time of his life, thank you very much. That managed to get a snort out of them “Hey sooo… the guys and I” they pointed behind them, Payne managing to pull up a little on his elbows to look over. There were a colorful bunch of yokai and humans, some of them waving when they noticed Payne looking over “were wondering if you’d like to join in a volleyball match? We are uneven and, idk, you look kinda cool, with your piercings and all'' Payne mauled the preposition over, he actually had never played “oh, don't worry, we are not exactly pros but, you know, fun?” Okay, convincing enough.

He stood up, deciding to follow the stranger

They were, indeed, very far from what a pro is by definition. There were a lot of out of game balls people decided to completely ignore, a lot of broken rules which were also very much ignored and a lot of ball to the face kind of situations that nobody seemed to care about getting mad over. It was liberating, and Payne had never had so much fun in his life. It wasn’t till the match was over that the first person he interacted with walked up to Payne again “Hey! Not bad newbie! not bad at all” there was some warm fuzzy feeling he couldn’t put quite a name to settling in his stomach and making him smile.

Well now, he should at least give the stranger his name, shouldn't he?

Payne offered his hand after the presentation was made, making them smile with confidence and shake it “I’m Aleks! they/them, just so uuh.. you know” they cleared their throat “nice to meet ya, Payne''. The yokai lost count of the time, paying little to no attention to the loud thuds that could be heard from time to time reverberating through the cruise… at least until one of those was followed by a blinding light which couldn’t be ignored nor ran from...

And Payne woke up in the city he very well knew, feeling like all had been nothing but a beautiful dream

Doctor take my brain away from me and wake me from the daze

Reality feels like a dream
A dream he doesn't really enjoy
His life is supposed to go back to normal
But for some reason, his mind keeps going back to that cruise

He wishes he could dream about it again

Time was a weird thing. Payne had the notion about Bishop coming back home, about the reports made back to him, about how he had said he was proud of Payne for not getting punished while he was gone and of how efficient he had been but… but that approval that Payne had been craving for so long suddenly feels empty, far away from him, like he was still stuck in that beautiful cruise with his… friends? with Aleks trying to teach him how to swim and comparing Payne to a wet cat because of how fast he would fucking pack it to get out of the water as soon as his feet weren’t able to touch the bottom.

He doesn't let go off the remote control now

He feels like it is much easier to deal with the desire of wanting to go back if he commits himself to the videogame. Train, get out, gather information, come back in. Put on the brooch, go with Bishop as his bodyguard. Don't talk, don't ask, keep your head low. Accept criticism, keep humble, don't answer back. Get into your room, take your pill, fall asleep.

The monotony makes it all so much easier

But he still can’t help his mind carrying him back to those happy moments every time he is falling asleep but its not quite there yet, anytime he has to wait on Bishop outside a meeting room, every time his mind isn’t busy with something else, anything, it goes back to that time, sometimes making Payne feel like it did really happened. The sensation was confusing to say the least, as the yokai felt this way about a lot memories in his brain, a notion were he couldn't differentiate reality from things that had actually happened, moments from were the control was on his hands from were it wasn’t, from where he was playing the game from where he was merely watching someone else playing.

And of course, Bishop noticed

Payne should have shut up about it, but he felt lost, vulnerable… he only could trust his father, so he told him about the cruise and about what had gone down. He just wanted to stop thinking about it “I see” was Bishops answer, a glare on his face, making Payne felt like he had misstep somehow, like he shouldn’t had pressed the button “Very well son… maybe we should step your game up” with that he made a motion for Payne to follow him “I’ll personally make sure you forget about that stupid dream of yours, don't worry…

…everything is under control”