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Chapter Text

31st July

The day Harry Fleamont Potter was born was a day of great happiness in the Potter household.
Harry was a prodigy, a small ray of light in a time of great instability, great change, great upheaval.

With Voldemort getting stronger and stronger and in charge of every possible thing, and the war becoming more and more difficult, keeping the line between black and white was difficult. Being able to make decisions that had previously seemed trivial was becoming extenuating.
On top of that they kept losing allies, people they knew kept dying, and they kept getting defeated, there were more steps backwards than forwards.

Even victories were felt as defeats.

There was little hope now.

But when Harry Potter was born, all the worry for a day disappeared. A ray of sunshine amidst the storm.

James was beside himself, Lily, even though she was tired after giving birth, had tears of joy surrounding her face.
They had thrown a little party at the house, only their closest friends, to be safe and secure- also they were the only ones needed to make it feel complete- Pads, Moons, the Preweet, his parents, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, Moody. Peter unfortunately couldn't come, he was on a mission.

"Fuck Prongs, he looks just like you-" Sirius told him, comparing a baby picture of himself next to Harry's sweet little face.

"Except for the eyes- those he inherited from Lily," he looked at his son with deep affection. He was the most beautiful thing in the world and he would do anything to protect him.

"No swearing in front of the baby, Sirius!" Lily said with fake anger, and they smiled.
It was true that Harry hadn't exactly been expected, that Lily and he hadn't had been very careful, but at the same time they were happy that he was in their lives.

"He's Padfoot, Lily. You are asking him the impossible" Remus said, smiling, giving a glass of water to her and a light kiss on Sirius' cheek.

"Silly me" she replied smiling and making herself more comfortable on the sofa.

"How are you Lily today? Better?"
Lily was still recovering after giving birth and everyone was very apprehensive around her. She was the driving force of their group, without her and Remus they would probably have fallen a part long ago. Besides, she was the mother of his child.
He only wanted the best for her.
even though they weren't romantically involved anymore.

"Yes- I'm much better. Thanks"

They had been trying for a while, but in the end - they had both realised that what James had was a lingering youthful attraction that he had never been able to shake and Lily was in love with someone else. It had taken them some time to realise, so much so that they had a child, but now that they were in agreement, on the same wavelength, they were definitely better off. They were not so tense towards each other and now they could think about the war and especially about Harry. Their joy and their luck.

Several times they had exchanged dreams and desires and Lily's was to travel the world, was to dream and see everything. And even though it was unthinkable now, they often imagined what they would do if the war ended and life returned to normal, if everything was back on track, if they managed to defeat you-know-who.

"Lilyy" they heard Marlene scream and they all turned to watch her giving a gift for Harry's birthday.

"Thank you very much Marls- you didn't have to, you know-"

"Yes- but we wanted to" She blew a kiss on Lily's cheek and Dorcas appeared immediately behind her girlfriend.

Dorcas had blended well into their group, despite having been a Slytherin.
But like Sirius she had made sure to break all ties with her family, not believing a single one of those things they had always made them believe. They had caused much uproar, two of the most important families losing their children, seeing them appear against their own cause.
Shock and awe.
But that had not been enough to bring people to their senses. It had not been enough for their own children to revolt, to stop killing people.
It was - it was all so surreal - every day they lived in fear and terror.
And now they were not only scared for their lives and those of their friends, but- for Harry. For their son.

And they were going to fight even harder to make sure that war would soon be over, to make sure that he could grow up peacefully, to make sure that he could have a childhood.

"Congratulations Lily, we are so happy. Harry- Harry really brings hope in times like these." Dorcas said smiling. She suffered a lot- she had first lost her family and then her friends. They evidently didn't approve her choices. Even though she still talked about them sometimes with lightness. They were particular, but she had loved them.

"Well, where is the newborn?" Moody entered the room and went to see Harry who was giggling and smiling for all the attention he was receiving. He was like him. A natural superstar.

"Can you give me Harry, James?" Lily said to him and he was happy to hand Harry to her, in her embrace Harry seemed a lot calmer, and he quickly fell asleep.

"Aw, my grandchildren" his mother came from behind him and he hugged her tightly. The war had been consuming her, she was used to kindness and to give kindness, the war had really had an impact on his mother. She was getting sicker and weaker and he was really afraid of his health.
The doctor only said that they had to hope for the best.
And- right now- there wasn't much to hope for-

"Hi mum" he smelled her scent and she gave him a quick kiss on his cheek. Lily was glad to give Harry to her.
His mother had been so happy with the news, yes- they were young but she was glad she was able to see Harry at least once.
His father was behind her, caressing his son with love and care.

"He's so like you, son." His voice muffled, as if he didn't want to cry but he was really struggling to do so.

"Hopefully he won't inherit your troublemaking ways too" a voice behind them, Minnie.

"Minnie! You did it!"

"I had to be here to see the baby of my former quidditch captain" she said winking at him. She had always shown a little favoritism toward them. They really managed some- exuberant tricks but she never went really angry.

"What do you mean by my behavior? I was quidditch captain and-"

"I agree with Minnie, James shut up- our son will not be a troublemaker like you"

"Don't worry Prongsie, I will defend each of you. Harry will be upright with me as uncle" Sirius said- and- Well they all laughed. Because Sirius was the most troublesome of them.

That had been a good day.
Indeed.

----------------------------

Godric's Hollow

It was October 31, Halloween. A day that, a few years earlier, The Marauders had celebrated with almost reverence, with big parties and joy. Today, they spent it at home. But they were okay—at least as much as they could be during a war.

Word had leaked out that Harry was some sort of child prodigy, a prophecy saying he would be the one to confront Voldemort. So, Albus had decided to shelter him and, consequently, his parents in a secluded house, placing their safety in the hands of a secret keeper who was to preserve their lives.

It had been the subject of great debate between Lily, James, and Sirius—who didn’t want to endanger them at all. For James, Sirius was the best person for the role, but Sirius felt it was too predictable, too risky. The less obvious choice had fallen on Peter—his Wormtail—his first best friend. They had shared so much: their school years, their dorms, becoming Animagi together, and Remus' lycanthropy. But recently, Peter had seemed distant, worried, and scared. And, well—it made sense. They were all living under a lot of pressure. But something told James that Peter wasn't the right choice.

Still, Sirius had been convincing, and Peter seemed logical enough, so why not? Peter was Peter.

That evening found James, Lily, and Harry snuggled on the couch. He still couldn’t believe he had a son. It had been his dream, and yes—they were young, but they had a lot of support. So, James was out of his mind with happiness.

Although it was tiring to look after Harry, who cried often, he was theirs. Their little one. James would die for his son. And Lily felt the same way.

“Hey, Lily, what do you want to watch?” he asked, bringing her a cool drink as she held Harry, who was almost asleep. Thank God Harry slept a lot, so they could rest a bit before another day of challenges.

“Something quiet so Harry doesn’t wake up,” Lily smiled at him, and James went to see what was on television. Maybe a cartoon for Harry, or something like that. He started flipping through the channels.

Then, suddenly, everything stopped.

The night owl outside went quiet.
The air had grown heavier.
The atmosphere darker.
A strange darkness fell over the house as the streetlights outside flickered and died.
The windows fogged up, cold creeping in like ice.

Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong.

He looked at the two most important people in his life. Lily had to be safe. Harry had to be safe.

“Lily, whatever happens, you stay with Harry.” Lily nodded, holding their son close. She probably wanted to argue—he could see it in her eyes—but she was smart enough to understand now was not the time.

Maybe never.

Because tonight was the night James Potter would die.

But that was okay—everyone knew how he was. Everyone came before him. And his son would be no exception. He would protect his golden boy, his heart. And his mother.

He was a martyr. And it was okay. For Lily and Harry.

“It’s him, he’s here,” James said after a moment. He didn’t know how he knew, but he just did. He got up to face the intruder; the man was already in the driveway, already near the door. He had never seen him in person, but he knew.

Padfoot had been the right choice. Peter had betrayed them. It should have been Padfoot.

That was all James could think as he prepared to face his death. Padfoot was innocent. Peter was not.

He looked into Lily’s eyes for the last time. They were running out of time. Voldemort was at the door, and Harry had to be safe. His child. His son. His everything.

“Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! Go! Run! I’ll hold him off!”
Padfoot had been the right choice.
He knew it now. Even if Sirius was predictable, he wasn’t a traitor. He was the best man James had ever known, even if he came from the worst of families.

“I’m sorry,” James whispered as he realized he didn’t have his wand with him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as the door exploded inwards.
“I’m sorry—it should have been Padfoot. You would be safe right now, not terrified.”

James wasn’t ready to lose his son, to lose Lily. He wasn’t ready, but he was helpless against the most powerful dark wizard in the world.

“James!” Lily screamed, her footsteps echoing as she ran upstairs with Harry in her arms, trying to find a safer place.

“I’m sorry, Lils. Harry, I love you.”

“It’s easy. Too easy with you,” a voice said, and then James saw him. His face looked almost normal, if it weren’t for the eyes and the grin. For a moment, James thought he was looking at death itself. And maybe he was right.

Those eyes, so hollow.
That smirk, so cold.

James shivered.
“Avada—”

And then there was an explosion.

James was on the floor, blood pooling beneath his head. His vision blurred. His breath trembled. He couldn’t get up—something was holding him down.

What—? What had happened? He hadn’t done anything—was this Voldemort's doing? But even Voldemort looked surprised, retreating slightly, astonished by what had occurred.

What? What? What?

“No!” Voldemort screamed. A screeching, inhuman sound that chilled James to his bones.
What? What? What?

The last thing James saw was Voldemort heading upstairs, where Lily and Harry had gone just a minute before. This time, he heard another “No,” but it was his own pleading voice, before his eyes closed, and he lost consciousness.

Maybe this really was the end.

It should have been Padfoot.

Chapter Text

"Good evening, everyone."

These were the first words the Dark Lord had spoken at the meeting he had summoned them to. His deep voice boomed through the foyer, and conversations sputtered to a stop. Regulus clenched his hands; he hated being there.

The snake, Nagini, slithered up and down the table. A shiver ran down Regulus' spine. Nagini was a magnificent yet frightful creature, probably more intelligent than half the people in the room. Nagini could sense things, sense traitors, root out real rats—and he was one of them. But Regulus stayed calm.

He had nothing to hide, nothing to fear.

He was skilled at building his own world and living in it.

Nagini slithered past him, hissing as she moved between their legs. Tonight was special. Not every Death Eater had been invited—only the ones who mattered. And he was one of them. Even Barty Crouch, important in his own right, wasn’t present tonight. He had other plans to execute for the Dark Lord.

"I have come to know of a prophecy, dear colleagues," the Dark Lord said, extending his long, elegant fingers as he gestured around the room, dressed in his usual black silk. He always seemed to relish creating a dramatic atmosphere. Something reverential. The crowd began to murmur, breaking the unnatural silence that had settled in.

Regulus rolled his eyes. What he used to revere as power, security, and strength had turned into something almost farcical.

A child?

The great and powerful Dark Lord wanted them to kill a child? Regulus nearly laughed aloud but caught himself. He was in the wolf's den. He couldn’t afford to slip up now, not with everything he had to do.

Snape glanced at him, as serious as ever. Regulus knew Snape could see past his mask, not because his defenses were weak or Snape’s Legilimency was strong, but because they were in the same situation. Double agents. Spies. Traitors. But Regulus couldn’t be sure.

He couldn’t trust Snape, not yet. Not ever, if he was being honest. There was no room for mistakes.

"After extensive research," Voldemort continued theatrically (and Regulus had to stifle a huff), "the prophecy points to a child born to powerful parents at the end of July. My spy—whom I will reveal in time—reported that the Potters recently gave birth to a child with the exact characteristics described in the prophecy." He paused, his voice thick with menace. At the mention of the Potters, Regulus’ pulse quickened, but he forced himself to remain still, keeping his breathing even, his eyes vacant, and his face serious.

"This child," Voldemort went on, "must die. And anyone who stands in the way will meet the same fate." Regulus’ breath caught in his throat. His hands clenched at his robes, knuckles turning white.

James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, Dorcas—all of them would get in the way. And all of them would die. No. Not them. "My Lord—" Regulus began, unable to stop himself.

A child.

They were talking about a child. The whole idea seemed absurd. But Snape nudged his leg under the table, a silent warning.

"Regulus, my dear," Voldemort purred, "do you have any questions?" Snape shook his head slightly.

Regulus hesitated but couldn’t help himself. "Are you certain it’s the Potters’ baby? And should we really be worried about a baby?" His voice dropped at the last word, barely audible to anyone else, but the thought seemed to ripple through the room. Why was their Lord afraid of a child?

But Regulus didn’t have time to dwell on it.

"Crucio!" Voldemort screamed, and Regulus felt the familiar, searing pain. He was used to this treatment; anyone who questioned the Dark Lord’s decisions was met with the Cruciatus Curse. But Voldemort’s Crucio was unlike anything else. It wasn't just pain; it was a tearing, shredding sensation, like his very soul was being ripped apart. The Blacks were used to pain—it was part of their legacy, their training—but this was something else. Something darker.

"Crucio!" Again. "Don’t ever question me again, future Lord Black," Voldemort snarled, each word followed by another curse.

Regulus tried to hold back the screams, but eventually, the pain became too much. It broke him, like it always did. His body convulsed, his mind shattered. How much pain could a person endure before they were destroyed completely?

Finally, Voldemort ended the curse. "But I must commend you," he said mockingly. "The youngest among us, and still able to speak his mind—and endure the pain. Your family should be proud. But never question me again. I am always right." Regulus struggled to breathe, curled into a ball on the floor, trembling. He needed to get up, but he couldn’t.

"Of course, my Lord," he managed through clenched teeth. "I apologize, my Lord." He wanted to spit in Voldemort’s face, make him feel even a fraction of the pain he had just inflicted. But Voldemort didn’t feel pain. He was pain.

"Yes, my Lord," Bellatrix chimed in, ever the sycophant. "We are proud of him, though he still needs to learn not to contradict your wise decisions." She practically fawned over Voldemort, and Regulus hated her for it. He needed to get up. He repeated it over and over in his mind, but it was so hard. His hands trembled, his stomach lurched, and his head felt like it wasn’t even there anymore.

"I think I like a bit of a challenge," Voldemort said, with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. "But rest assured, I will personally deal with the child. If there is no reason to kill him, I won’t. After all, he’s only a baby." His smile betrayed him; everyone knew he was lying. But no one dared say it. Regulus finally managed to push himself up onto his knees, his eyes locked on the man who wanted to murder James Potter’s baby. Lily Potter’s baby.

Not a chance.

"We’ll see each other soon," Voldemort said, his fingers brushing Regulus' chin, as if offering some twisted form of affection.

"Try to behave in the meantime. You are the heir to the Black family, and soon I will call on you to take up that role." Regulus nodded, avoiding his gaze.

"I live to serve you, my Lord." Voldemort’s thin, snake-like fingers brushed against his mind, probing. He was using Legilimency. On a wounded man. Regulus thanked his mother, in a twisted way, for teaching him how to shield his mind. "Wonderful," Voldemort said, patting his head as if he were some kind of pet. As the meeting ended, Nagini slithered past him again, hissing in a way that made his skin crawl. The snake seemed to speak to him through its demonic yellow-green eyes.

After Voldemort left, the others followed quickly, eager to be gone. Lucius and Rabastan gave him a nod of acknowledgment, their way of showing respect for what he had just endured.

"Did you really have to do that?" Snape appeared beside him, watching Regulus intently.

"He’s a child," Regulus muttered. It wasn’t a big deal to him.

"Careful," Snape warned, lowering his voice. "Or someone might think you’re not loyal to the cause."

"Like you?" Regulus shot back, equally quiet. They were playing a dangerous game.

"The child will be killed on the 31st of October," Snape said. "There’s a raid planned. The Order will be busy with other distractions, I think."

"You read their minds?"

"Not my fault they’re so incompetent."

"Right." Regulus surveyed the room, trying to piece together who knew what. Lucius? Bellatrix? Nott? He wasn’t sure.

"Why are you doing this?" Regulus asked, suddenly suspicious. It could be a trap. Snape could be lying.

"Lily," Snape replied, his eyes betraying something deeper. And Regulus understood. "If you can’t save the child, or the Potters," Snape added, "I don’t care. Just save Lily." Regulus nodded. He didn’t tell Snape that he cared about all of them—James, Lily, Sirius, Remus.

He loved them all, despite everything. He had to save them.

When he stepped outside, Barty and Evan were waiting for him.

"What was that?" Barty asked, his eyes following Snape’s retreating figure. Regulus collapsed into Barty’s arms.

"Just—tired," he muttered. "Did he use another Unforgivable on you? What did you do this time?" Barty asked, sounding more concerned than usual. I’m betraying him, Regulus thought, so that could be one reason. But even before that, the Dark Lord seemed to have it out for him.

"Don’t talk too loudly," Regulus warned, glancing around.

"Let's go home, Reg. How many days has it been since you last ate?" This time, he was the one who rolled his eyes. Sometimes he forgot to eat, but who cared? He didn’t need that. It actually made him feel better. They didn’t need to be his nannies. "And don’t roll your eyes, Reg. We’re worried. You're losing weight, and with everything else going on—" they both looked him up and down, concerned. "You should take better care of yourself."

"Yes, mother."

"Do not compare me to that bitch," Barty said, and then they Apparated home, to the little house they had bought to be alone and away from their families. Evan's dad had gone mad when Pandora married someone who wasn’t "good enough" for their family. And Barty Crouch Senior—well, he had always been pretty brutal toward Barty, so screw him. "So, what did they say at the meeting?" Even though the Dark Lord apparently hated him, Regulus had been included that evening with the higher-ups. Usually, it was Barty who attended those. He didn’t understand the Dark Lord. He didn’t know what the man wanted from him—was it for fame, because he was now the Lord Black, or something else? But it was useful, knowing things others couldn’t. It made you aware of a lot more, of the things they hadn't been when they first joined, still naïve and indoctrinated.

"He has to kill a child," he said as Barty placed a plate of food in front of him, watching him as if to make sure he ate every bite. Regulus wasn’t really hungry, but Barty’s gaze was so intense that he couldn’t do anything but comply.

“Oh, wow. That’s new.”

“Not really. He’s probably done worse than that.”

“It’s the Potter’s child,” he said then, and the room quieted down.

“So, you’re planning to do something incredibly stupid to save your brother’s friend’s family and what? Get yourself killed in the process?” Evan watched him closely, and Regulus nodded calmly. He had made his decision. Nothing would change his mind.

“Do you need our help?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Maybe he did—maybe he really needed help if he was going to face the Dark Lord. But he didn’t want to risk his friends’ lives. They had already done so much for him. This wasn’t their battle. He was the one who wanted to save the child, the mother, and the father.

“You’re not planning to die, right?” They sat at the table, clearly worried about him. They were fierce when it came to protecting him. They had gone to hell and back together. They had decided everything together. They were the best friends he could have asked for.

“It’s not in my plans, so—no—I don’t think so.” But with the Dark Lord, anything could happen. He wouldn’t have risen to such power if he were stupid. Still, sometimes the Dark Lord got too confident. Too sure of himself. They nodded, though still a bit unconvinced by his plan. But the conversation ended there. And he loved them for that—when he needed them, they were there, but when he didn’t, they were still there, quietly supporting him. He didn’t feel pressured, as he often did with others. He needed to feel free. And he was sorry he hadn’t trusted them from the start, when he first decided to defect. He was sorry because he knew now that he shouldn’t have doubted their friendship or their trust.

-----------------------------

He had been following Voldemort and his little rat friend all day—and what a surprise to discover that it was none other than Peter Pettigrew—though at this point, very few things could surprise him.

The war was changing everyone. Every person was different now, and Voldemort was both terrifying and convincing—if torturing people for days on end could be considered a "convincing" quality. So, well, Peter wouldn't be the last member of the Order to fall into the Dark Lord’s army.

It wasn’t odd that Peter had changed sides, but to Regulus, it was the collapse of an empire. The mighty Peter Pettigrew, the marvelous friend, the trustworthy man, had betrayed his friends. And their rat friend—literally, the worst kind of rat—didn’t even seem sad about it.

He was about to make a child die, to make his best friend disappear, and there wasn’t an ounce of regret in his eyes. On the contrary, Peter continued to grovel at Voldemort's feet, not the least bit remorseful. He kept feeding him all of their plans, all of their tactics, all of their safety measures.

“You piece of shit,” Regulus muttered as he transformed back into his human form. He had been in cat’s form all day, and his bones were protesting, aching and shaking.

“My Lord, I’ve managed to convince them to make me their Secret Keeper. The way is clear for your arrival. They’ll never know it was you,” Peter said reverently, and Regulus felt bile rise in his throat.

“Un morceau de merde,” Regulus repeated through gritted teeth. He couldn’t believe this man had been a Gryffindor. That this man had once been one of James and Sirius’ best friends. He couldn’t believe Peter had gained their trust only to betray them like this. But why Peter? Why not Sirius? He knew for certain that Sirius would rather die than betray James, Lily, or their son. He was sure of it. Sirius would die for them, because when they loved, they loved fiercely, and if that meant sacrificing themselves, so be it. They had suffered all their lives; death wouldn’t change much.

“Wonderful, Peter, wonderful,” Voldemort grinned, and for a moment, Regulus thought that Voldemort could have been a handsome man if he hadn’t been so utterly corrupted by dark magic. His eyes were almost black, his grin devilish, and his aura was... wrong. Everything about him was wrong.

“With your permission, my Lord. I’ll take my leave. Thank you, my Lord,” Peter knelt at Voldemort’s feet, and Regulus grimaced, nearly gagging. It was a disgusting sight, but to Voldemort, who craved adoration as if his life depended on it, this was the most beautiful thing someone could do.

“Fucking traitor,” Regulus whispered again, waiting for Peter to walk down the path before following him in his cat form.

“What are you?” Regulus nearly jumped when he heard the voice directed at him. What? What? What? Could Voldemort see through his Animagus form? “Oh—just a cat. Disgusting beast,” Voldemort sneered, kicking him in the stomach.

Regulus felt the impact and went flying to the side of the road, narrowly avoiding a passing car as he meowed in pain.

But now he was late—too late.

He heard screams from the house.

There wasn’t enough time. A name. Harry.

He had to go.

James, James, James. Not James, please, not him.

“Bombarda Maxima!” Regulus shouted, hoping the explosion would distract Voldemort long enough for James and Lily to escape. But even he was caught in the blast. He couldn’t see well; blood was dripping down his face, blurring his vision. Everything was too blurry. But he could still hear screams, so they were still alive.

He had to fight. He had to keep fighting. He tried to run toward the house, but he was too slow, too tired, too wounded.

Go, Regulus—go.

Please.

He made it inside and saw James on the floor, blood pooling around his head. Regulus didn’t have time to check if he was still alive. And fuck, he left a piece of his heart there with him. He was dying to know if the man he still loved was dead because of him—because he hadn’t been able to stop Voldemort. But he had to save the baby.

At least Lily. She probably hated him now.

He was a Death Eater, a monster. He had betrayed their trust. He had become everything they feared. He was no better than Peter. He was just like him. They had trusted him. But at least he wasn’t handing over their child. At least he wasn’t pretending to be something he wasn’t. They knew who he was, what he had become. He had never hidden that.

But maybe, by saving her or her son, he could make something right in his life. He ran up the stairs and saw Voldemort first. The good news? He had injured him—his Bombarda Maxima had actually done something.

The bad news? He hadn’t injured him enough. Voldemort was pointing his wand at Lily, and no—no, no, he couldn’t let this happen. The child deserved at least one parent. Sirius couldn’t lose two of his best friends in one day. The Order couldn’t lose Lily or Harry. He was just a child, for fuck’s sake!

Regulus cried out, reaching for them as Voldemort screamed his curse.

“Impedimenta!” he shouted, and Voldemort finally noticed him. His eyes widened, clearly not expecting one of his best men to betray him. And with that, Regulus’s cover was blown.

Goodbye, being a spy.

But right now, he only hoped he wouldn’t die.

“You—” Voldemort began incredulously. Regulus was lucky Voldemort hadn’t brought Nagini. That snake was always a pain with her hissing and biting. Her poison was deadly. Their colliding spells created a lethal burst of energy, blowing everything up again. Regulus was thrown back, and along with him, Voldemort and Lily. Fuck—Lily. The baby? Harry—he’d heard James scream earlier. He couldn’t make sense of anything; his head felt like it had been kicked repeatedly, and his insides were churning. But Voldemort was getting up—again.

Was he invincible?

Regulus crawled toward the child’s bedroom, where Lily lay slumped beside the crib. “Lily!” he croaked, the sound strangled and painful. Fuck—Lily, don’t joke, not like this. He dragged himself over to her, checking for a pulse— At least Lily. Please, at least Lily. Please, Lily. You’re strong. Don’t die on me, not like this.

There—it was faint, weak, but there was a pulse.

She—Lily—was alive. He still had something to fight for. Then he looked up and saw Harry’s green eyes gazing at him from the crib. And what he felt was pure love. Harry wasn’t his—he never would be—but still, it was magnificent. He was so innocent that it almost felt wrong for Regulus to be there.

“Regulus, Regulus, Regulus,” Voldemort gasped, entering the room, and Regulus struggled to stand, placing himself between the crib and Voldemort. If necessary, he would be a shield. Anchor and salvation. “Out of everyone, I thought you were the smartest. Like me—an equal.” Voldemort sneered. "You were always so neglected by everyone. Your parents couldn’t stand the sight of you, and your brother ran away. You were so lonely. But when I gave you attention, you collapsed at my feet, desperate for more.”

Regulus didn’t want to hear this.

He didn’t want to listen, because it was true. It was all true.

After Sirius left, their parents had treated him like dirt. They hated him, punished him for the smallest things, and kept him under constant control. He had only wanted someone to see him—to recognize him as a person, as a living being.

And then Voldemort had come. He had praised Regulus, appreciated him, applauded him in front of everyone. For the first time, someone had seen him. Voldemort lifted his chin with two long, unnatural fingers, locking their gazes.

“You were perfect for me. I trained you, made you the best. You could have gone far, Regulus. But today, your life will end because of a child.”

“I’m not the problem if you’re the one afraid of a baby. Where’s your greatness now?” Regulus smiled through the blood in his mouth. Voldemort squeezed his lip, causing him to groan in pain. Regulus leaned against the crib; his body could no longer support his weight. And then, he felt a tiny hand clutching his torn robes.

Harry.

He tore himself away from the monster's grip and reached for his wand.

Harry needed protection. Now.

"You don't understand, Regulus. That's why you'll never reach my greatness. The child must die."

"And this is your so-called greatness?" he coughed, breathing hard, spluttering blood everywhere.

Their wands crossed again. Their spells mingled in the air, neither of them willing to back down. But with Lily unconscious, Regulus knew he couldn’t keep this up much longer. It had to end quickly. He had hoped—though he didn’t know how—that James would be more present, that Lily wouldn’t be lying on the floor, unconscious, and that maybe, just maybe, Voldemort would be tired enough to falter. But Regulus had never been that lucky.

Never. He was facing the most powerful wizard alive, alone, with nothing more than the bravery of his eighteen years. Wonderful. Things were looking great.

"Crucio!"

"Sectumsempra!"

And there it was. The spell hit Voldemort. It was a relatively obscure curse, one Snape had invented in their sixth year, but it was enough to distract him. Regulus threw himself at Voldemort, trying to drag him out of the room, trying to get him away from the baby, but he was too weak, too tired, too wounded.

Now Voldemort had his wand pointed at Harry.

No, no. Please, anything but Harry. Not him.

"Avad—"

"NO! Protego!" Regulus screamed, throwing himself in front of the crib.

And then he felt it. His bones shattering, the searing pain ripping through him. He screamed and screamed. He couldn’t tell if he was crying or if the liquid running down his face was blood. He didn’t have a body anymore. He was nothing but pain.

Was death like this?

It was fucking awful.

Everything exploded again, and in the chaos, all he could see were Harry’s green eyes. And then, everything went black.

What lovely eyes.

They were so alive.

Chapter Text

September, 1976

Regulus hated his life. Literally. But most of all he hated Slughorn who had paired him with that muggleborn of Lily Evans. A mugglborn. Him?
H I M ?

When the news that he could advance a year thanks to his excellent knowledge in potions had reached him, he had been pleased with himself.
He had finally found something he could do well.
Something at which he would excel, and not be in anyone's shadow. Mostly his brother. But right now, Sirius Black wasn't his concern.

Now, the very thing that had given him satisfaction was making him regret every decision Regulus had made so far.

"Merlin, Evans what the fuck are you doing? You have to cut them smaller. I knew I had to do this job." He whispered angrily at the readhead.

"Oh- did you know you had to do it? And why?" She rolled her eyes, huffing those words and he cursed under his breath. Fuck the day he got paired with her. They were just incomparable.

"Because I obviously have a wider knowledge, since I am a-"

"Wizard descended from wizards? Please Black shut up with those bullshit and start mixing. And for the record, I cut the slugs perfectly. You're the one who can't read- mister I-know-everything."

"No way-"
But his objection was stopped by an enraged Lily Evans slamming the Potions book down on his hand.

"Fuck- you're a cunt-" he hissed for the pain and he quickly took his hand away.

"Say one more word, and next time I'll smash this book over your head. And now read, you dumbass."
He read and cursed to himself.
Indeed Evans was right, he had made an oversight, a miscalculation.
Merlin, he could not believe that he had been corrected by- by a muggleborn.

"And now, if your blood supremacist brain will let me, I would like to continue and finally finish this damn potion."
And as any fifteen year old worth his salt, with an overpowering gifted brain, could do, he began to ape her.

"Smartass"

"Bigot"

"Know-it-all"

"Idiot"

"Ass-"
How Lily Evans infuriated him never anyone in the world. She was- so- ugh!
Not even his brother when he was being an idiot, was able to rile him up that much.
At least his brother had the right to do that! He was his brother, he was pure blood and he was part of his family.
Lily- Lily was just- less.
She was less, she couldn't afford such outings, not with him.

"Guys!" Said Horace taking them back and the two of them were so caught up in their bubble of insults that they didn't notice the attention they had attracted.
Damn- Lily Evans.
He hated her, he hated her, he hated her.

"Excuse us professor," the girl said blushing and he rolled his eyes, muttering to himself. "If you weren't such a bloody git, we wouldn't have been scolded. Now shut up and stir"

"You won't tell me what I have to do"

"Wanna bet?"

"Irascible, shrew-"

"Guys! Hey! Shall we finish it?" And this time Slughorn caught them so off guard that Lily ran into the cauldron in fright, burning her hand and arm and coming into contact with the potion that was already starting to blister her skin.

"Shit," she said in pain.
And honestly?
Fuck them all.
This day was only getting worse.

"Oy-Oy-Oy, let me see Miss Evans. You need to go to the infirmary immediately, it's not serious but it needs to be treated. Mister Black, do you mind?"
Who? What? He had lost the last five minutes of dialogue absolutely heedless of everything going on around him.
He looked with arched eyebrows at what was happening, and then realised.
Oh no, oh no, no. He wouldn't- he wouldn't have accompanied Lily Evans to the infirmary.

"No way- I have other things-"

"Nonsense, I put you two as mates and you must learn to take care of each other. And I won't take no for an answer. I said now Mister Black."

Pissed off, he took Lily's healthy arm and started to accompany her to the infirmary.
"Do I also have to carry you on my shoulder or do you do it yourself? Do I have to call you princess?"

"Please, you are thinner than a twig, you'll fly away in the wind," she replied sarcastically and tried not to show offence at the comment.
He had always had problems with his physique.
As a child he had always been too plump for his mother, unsuitable for a son of a noble house, who had to be slim and attractive.
The physique was the image of the family.
Growing up, due to restrictions, he had become thinner and thinner, in an almost wrong way but never enough, never enough, never enough.

And even now he was struggling to get out of the box, more and more imperfect, more and more wrong, but with the need to achieve perfection, to achieve compliments.

But Lily Evans was no fool.

As much as he might resent her, he could see very well that she was no fool, and she grew quiet. "Not that there's anything wrong with the way you are, on the contrary-" she said after a while, amidst the silence of the corridors.
The students still in class hours.

He huffed. "Sure-we'll talk about it when I don't have to skip lunch or dinner to be perfe-" but he stopped there.
He didn't have to say that.
He didn't- he couldn't be weak. Not in front of her.

She looked at him with these big green eyes that concealed an obvious question. She was dying to ask something else but she was quite clever and she asked no more questions.

They were not friends.
They were not consoling each other.
They didn't care about each other problems.

"Here we are Evans," he said and was about to leave but Madam Pomfrey nipped him in the bud.

"Hello to you two, dear. Oh- I see the problem Miss. Evans. Nothing to worry." She said examining her arm, and smiling at the end.
"Mister Black, stop there. I would like you to stay here while I prepare the cure. Fortunately it's nothing serious, half a day's rest and you'll be as good as new" the nurse smiled and disappeared into her lab and he snorted.
He was very lucky that day-

"Forced again with me, Baby Black? Ouch. A mudblood. This must hurt your frail ego."

"Yes- I have better things to do than stay here and watch you moping."

"Better things to do like what? Burn down some houses? Meet some Lord fanatic of the Dark magic- Jeez- I'm almost envious- really-" she said sarcastically and he couldn't let her speak like this about The Dark Lord.

"Melin Evans if you don't shut up-" he grab his wand, out of himself. She shouldn't dare to say that.

"What? What Regulus? Are you going to curse at me? In the infirmary?" She smirked at him. "And you know what it's funny? You keep talking about Merlin but you don't even seem aware of his exploits. Merlin was born of a muggleborn mother and he always fought for our rights, even creating rules in our favour. Hypocritical of you, don't you think? Maybe you should read up on that."

Merlin?
One of the greatest wizards in history- the wizard who had attended their household and was their pride, the most famous wizard in history- was- was open towards muggleborns?

"Whatever" he responded, even though he noted down that. He must control, he must understand.

"You didn't know uh? Well- I gave you something to think about Regulus. Even I hate to admit it but you're smart, so I hope you're not just a book geek and understand the facts too. What you- purists- share is not right. It is not the world out there. It's just bullshit. And I'd like you to understand."

He- okay-
He was a curious person by nature, he ate books for lunch, dinner and breakfast, so he- had- to- absolutely understand, look, check.
How had such a thing escaped him.

"And the magic- the magic is in the world Regulus- not in people. Not in the sanctity of blood or families, not a vicious circle. Magic is uncontrollable, it manifests itself powerfully. And you can, you and your family can try to lock it up in your lineage- but- it doesn't. It doesn't work like that. Magic must be free, magic is in nature, in plants, in water, in fire and- and sometimes we are allowed a small spark of all that power. But- but it is still greater than all of us- you delude yourselves- you think you know more than all of us- the truth is that you know nothing." Lily finished her speech and her heart began to beat fast, discharges of electricity ran through the room, between them.

He- It couldn't be true- the magic- but it all made so much sense.
And if Regulus had one quality it was logic. It was that he thought every damn thing through, he was lucid, cold and calculator. And everything Lily said seemed to fit perfectly into the great puzzle of the world.
But then-
How.
How? How? How?

Did they- his parents- the people he had most relied on- know these things? Did they ignore them? Did they keep them hidden? Surely there was an answer.
Why?

"I'll look into it and keep you updated on what I find. Just to show you that you are wrong." He wasn't convinced. But he couldn't waver.
It couldn't be, he couldn't have lived his whole life in a lie. He couldn't-

"Alright pretty boy, search and let me know. When you'll see the reality we'll start with muggleborn literature. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. And now let me rest. You are dismissed."
He tried not to blush at her pretty boy.

"What am I, your house elf? Dismissed?" he replied annoyed.

"Evidently not very obedient if you are not leaving." She replied, turning around on the bed. He mimicked her once more, but he had no time for that.

He had research to do.
Where magic come from?
Who was Merlin?
Who were his parents?

--------------------------------

"Regulus!" Someone was waking him up by shaking him by the shoulder, he recovered his senses like a man who had been held under water for too long, coughing up blood and ridding his lungs of all superfluous.

And then, he felt only pain. "Regulus! Regulus! Move! We must go!"
What was happening?

His head didn't connect, his bones ached, his heart throbbed too hard, he felt as if he were in a cage made of fire imprisoning him.
Please, please, please.
Merlin, please make this pain stop. It's too much and I'm too weak.

"Regulus!" He was called for the fifth - sixth - tenth? - time.
He squinted, memories were flooding back to him.

James? Harry? Voldemort? Lily? The confrontation?
Was he dead?

But the pain in his body, the hand that was shaking him and the voice he was hearing seemed very much alive. Real.
So no- he was alive-
Then how?
How could he be alive? He vividly remember-

"Shit Regulus! Wake the fuck up! Don't die- don't- you can't- you dickhead- I can do it all on my own.I swear when you wake up I'll kill you myself." This voice was known. Who was this person?

"James-" he let it out as a cry, shrill, lungs still compressed, still aching, he struggled to breathe, speaking seemed impossible. Saliva was pooling in his mouth, unable to swallow it properly.

"Sorry to disappoint, I'm Barty- and fuck- finally! You are alive! Thank Merlin. Get a move on! Regulus you must get up! Now!"
Barty? Why was Barty there?
And- James? Lily? Harry?
He opened his eyes wide, trying to pull himself up but a throbbing pain at-at-all made him lie back down, vomiting some blood once more.

"Shit- fuck-" he hissed, he didn't know what he felt and he didn't anymore. Everything was just ache and pain.

"Hey buddy, calm down, you go from being dead to jumping up?"

"James-" he whispered with difficulty "Lily?The baby?" He coughed some more, he was getting a little better with time, his headache getting lighter.
Maybe Merlin or Slytherin Salazar had actually heard his pray.

"They are alive Regulus. Uhm let's say it like that-"
What does he mean?

"What does this- Barty! What does it mean!" He shouted again, his voice shrill and wavering.

"I'm saying they have a pulse, but they're injured. They lost blood in the night- they should- they should make it- we've alerted Sirius and his boyfriend with a patronus- and they're on their way. That's why we have to leave. If they see you here, they will think it was you."

"Are they- are they alive? Really?"

"Yes Reg- yes- you did good- you saved them."
Barty smiled at him, one of the few smile he saw in that period so he finally leaned on his best friend. Such satisfaction gripped him so hard that he almost cried on his shoulder.
But he did not cry. Not anymore.

"Voldemort?"

"Was he really here?"

"Yes, we collided." He grimaced watching around the room, and yes- he could see the outcome of their battle, everything was in pieces aside from the crib in which Lily posed Harry.

"Holy shit, your cover is gone." Barty cursed under his breath. "He's not here anyway. There is- there is a pool of blood - not yours - wide enough- but no body." He shrugged not really remembering a lot from the night before.

"I don't- I don't know what happened- something exploded- pain and-" his eyes were closing once more, he was tired- but Barty lifted him up by his weight wrenching out a groan of pain.

"Okay- okay we'll see at home- we'll take care of it at home. Now we have to go- move, fast" well, fast was a big word. He tried to steady himself on his trembling legs but he fell back and collided with the cradle that yesterday had seen an unrepeatable scene- blood, pain, scream.
"Come on let's go-" Barty began and then stopped and looked at him. For the first time he lowered his gaze too, his clothes torn, bloody cuts all over, bruises, broken bones most likely.
Nothing he hadn't imagined.

"What-what is that?"

"Um- well Barty- we collided- they are wounds and blood and-"

"No, not that idiot," Barty said rolling his eyes, then reached out and took his hand. "This," he said lifting it to face height and-
Oh-
Ooh-

A red thread.

A thin red thread coiled on his little finger to go- he followed the thread with an open-mouthed gaze- to go and connect to- to- Harry? He watched again. No.
"Barty-" he said almost frightened in a trembling voice, his eyes not believing what they were witnessing.
"Barty what- Barty what? What is this?"

"Regulus even with my 12 Owls I've never seen anything like that- I don't know-"

"Guys! Move!" Said Evan from downstairs-

"Evan is downstairs, he tried to fix Potter a bit, but we're not healers, so he couldn't do much," he quickly told him, going to the door of the room, preparing to go away.
"Time to go- the place is filling up with their friends and I don't want another fight" but his gaze was still placed on Harry, on his little finger which had the same red thread.

"It's tied- it's tied to a monster like me Barty- we can't- Harry can't- cut it. Cut it Barty. Now. Please Barty. Cut it, cut it. Cut it."

"It doesn't work that way Regulus. Ties are something extremely fragile. We must research-"

"No! You don't understand! Can't- these" he raised his hands in front of Barty "these are the hands of a murderer, a killer, a beast!"
Barty sighed noisily, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

"Alright Reg- we- have- to- " he mumbled something else "Okay, you are wounded, probably you have a concussion, you are not understanding very well, and it's okay bud. We are here for you. But you have to help me there, you have to pull yourself together, okay?"
But Regulus only tried to pull the string, Harry clung to the bars smiling, almost tickled by that contact.
No, no, no.
He couldn't do that to him, to James and Lily's child. To them.

"Regulus shit, let's go" Barty pulled him out of the room but immediately Harry started crying his eyes out.
He didn't- he wouldn't stop. He looked inconsolable.
And the pain in his heart deepened. He groaned in pain, laying a hand on his lungs, finding difficult to even breathe now.

"Shhh, apple pie, shhh" Regulus said and yes- he probably had a fucking concussion because it was not like him. Apple pie?
Seriously?

"Shit-" whispered his friend. "Not-not a good sign Regulus."

"What? Am I infecting the baby? Is he ill? I'm making him ill?" He said, approaching Harry again. He felt the need to take him in his arms, to nurse him, to make him stop crying. He took him in his arms almost automatically, he didn't know what he was doing, he didn't know if it was good or bad. He started dancing a finger on his face and the chubby hand of the baby followed it happily and giggling.

He had to hold him, he had to feel his warmth. He smiled at the baby, already in love.

And immediately Harry began to smile at him again. And he smiled with him, even wider than before, feeling his heart at peace for the first time since he had woken up that morning.

"Regulus-" he looked at Barty with a new light in his eyes. He had finally found peace. The thread glowed, their fingers almost intertwined.
"Exactly what-what relationship did you have with-" he pointed with his head at Lily, who had been placed on the bed, cared for as much as she could by Barty. "Or with Potter downstairs. Or with both for all I care."

"I-" he widened his eyes- not quite knowing what to answer- he put Harry down, who was looking at him with hopeful big eyes, searching new contact with his hands.

"I- we- not- what are-" he watched at Lily, suddenly needing her comfort.
What relationship did they have?
Well- they- were-

"Shit- it's- I'm just supposing- It's a love bond" but with saying that, Barty grabbed him by the arm, carrying him away from there.
A what?

They arrived at their house, dragged by the arm by Barty and the moment he touched the floor of their living room he bent over himself to empty the entire contents of his stomach, which was not much if you don't count the blood.
"Fuck- mate- what happened?"

"Dueled with Voldemort-"Barty said instead of him, trying to get him to lean back on the couch.

"No-" he said feebly, trying to oppose to Barty "I'll get blood on the couch."

"Merlin Regulus, you're about to die in the middle of the living room and you're worried about the couch?"

If you were in my house, yes.
My Mother used to worry about such things.
The blood could not be washed off well.

"Sorry- did you duel with- Voldemort- alone?"

"Yes the other two were absolutely useless, Potter didn't even have his wand with him." Regulus uttered a choked cry at hearing that name.
James? How was James? Please Merlin, kill anyone, kill me, but not James, not Lily. Please.
"But the funniest thing - and I hope you perceive my ironic tone - is that now our Reg is bonded to the child."

"What do you mean he is bonded to the baby? How it happened?"

"We don't know either! Just that- " stopped Barty's speech as another gag of vomit hit Regulus from head to toe.

"Shit- we'll deal with it later- Reg- who- who do you know that can heal you?"
He merely raised his head and looked at him with his vacant eyes.
Evan cursed.

"I'm calling your cousin."
But no- he couldn't- Lucius would ask questions, but before he could answer his fucking arm lit up with fire.

"Fuck I'm dead" Regulus said tentatively, showing his arm to his best friends who looked at him with wide eyes. Well- it wasn't changing much, he was almost dead, with the blood loss, and the wounds.

"Shit-we're coming with you," said Evan, literally ready to die for him, with him.
And no- not any chance. They would not die for him.

"No- Evan stop."

"Regulus shut the fuck up- we're coming with you" Barty had a strange light in his eyes, sure, they'd probably be martyr, dying with him, but he'd fight the man with his teeth.

"No Barty- no- you can't" he said with difficulty, blood still trickling from his robes.
"Patch me up- as well as you can. You stay here and-" he bit his lip.
Shit- he had spent his whole life hiding, wishing for his end to come, and now that it was actually coming he was going to cry like a baby.

But he was twenty , wasn't he?
Twenty years old and so many mistakes behind him.
Twenty years and a plan for revenge to be executed.
Twenty years and a lot of excuses to give, to James, to Lily, to Sirius.
Twenty years and a life to live. A destiny to write.

But at least he would die with the knowledge that he had saved Harry.
That Harry was safe because of him, and so were his parents.

"Stay here and search for horcruxes- okay? Listen- I don't have time to explain- Horcruxes Barty, okay? You are witty and a swot, so you can. You were one of the best and Voldemort's right arm when he needed for someone with knowledge, so you must know and find the Horcruxes, okay?"

They disagreed. "Move, you'll run. We'll make you run. We can give you some head start. You'll go to the Potters, you just saved them so it's only right to-"
Regulus could see it in their eyes that they were scared. Evan wasn't looking at him and he didn't know if it was because he was about to burst into tears or because he was pissed at him.

"They didn't even want to see me and-"

"Who fucking cares Regulus!" Barty screamed at him and he almost flinched. "Who fucking cares Regulus, I want you alive and if it takes for me to- threaten those assholes who think they know everything, I'll do it. I'll do it right now!"

"I'm a Death Eater, I have his mark on my skin! They'll torture me to death! Barty be logical! At least you!" The voice cracked at the end.
No Regulus- you- you couldn't cry.

"I- I don't- I don't care-" Barty started to cry and- right now it was too much.
Barty was lightly punching him on the chest, he was not hurting him, but he felt everything duplicated- the pain of his best friend in his bones. "I want you to stay alive- I need you to stay alive."

Barty was crying for him.

The same man who didn't cry when his fucking father beat him to a pulp was crying for him.
The same man who didn't care about death, who faced the punishment of Voldemort with a wide grin, was crying for him.

"It's- it's okay Barty. It's okay- I save them right? So- I have fulfilled my-"

"Do- please just shut up Black. They- did they deserve it? I hope so. DID THEY DESERVE IT?" Barty screamed with tears along his cheeks, he watched him for some seconds, then he moved to heal some of his wounds, trembling.

"Yes- yes they did. They deserve this and more" he said convinced and for the first time Evan watched him in the eyes. He was crying too. Tears running down his face while he understood. Barty nodded and so did Evan while he passed a hand on his shoulder. "Cover those you can't heal" he added after a bit and Barty nodded efficiently, wiping his tears from his face.

That was one good thing about being best friends with the smartest person in school.

"Dickhead" he heard him mutter, but his arm kept burning, so he mus go. Their time was finished. The call was important, the matter serious. But neither Barty nor Evan were being called so- well he thought himself too smart- too powerful.
He thought he could defeat him.
But- he almost laughed- how- how fool had he been?
Idiot. But at least he saved them.

"Can- can't we go to your brother?" Barty said suddenly.

"Barty you literally hate my brother"

"As a matter of fact, I think I already said that I don't fucking care. I can kidnap him and get you addicted to a fucking polyjuice potion for years with his hair, for what it matters to me. I already have some in the backyard" Barty explained quite calmly and he widened his eyes for some minutes.

"That's- well that's pretty ingenious Barty-and scaring- but we are not doing that. I made my choice and-"

"You are giving me an headache Regulus. Are you sure you weren't sorted in Gryffindor? With these values you could have been one easily." And he rolled his eyes, how dramatic.

"Yes well you are the one being irrational"

"Why- why are you accepting this- so easily? It's wrong of me to- to not want my best friend to die?"

"No- no Barts- I didn't say that- it's-" he shook his head, he didn't want to cry. Not in front of them, not when they were so stressed and tired and depressed by him. "I don't know, I don't see other solutions. I- I have made my choices, I decided to follow him, to fuck up my cover, to save the Potters. This is what I deserve." He coughed again.

"You-" Evan shook his head "you didn't deserve any of this- you were forced to- nothing- okay Regulus if this is what you want, we can only support you- even though- I don't want you to die Reg-" Evan stopped his speech but he didn't have to continue to make him understand what he was implying- but there was no time.

Too much time had already passed. He must go.
He couldn't let them hurt because of him.

"It's- It's all right- it's all good- it'll be soon. Thank you" Barty nodded, still not looking him in the eye. "I'm not just thanking you for this - but - for everything. You were-" he said, his voice cracking. "Thank you guys- you were the best. Win this war for me. And take care of him please." He said thinking at Harry, at his smile, at his green eyes.

Their bond hadn't lasted that long in the end.
Better that way- he didn't want Harry to have anything to do with people like him- impure- broken- monsters.

"Regulus-" Evan tired to say at the end but he couldn't. He couldn't hear them say their goodbyes. He couldn't stay there and watching them cry, for a dead man.
So he just disappeared.

"I love you" he whispered in thin air, and he hoped they knew, he hoped the understood how much they had been important to him. Even though they didn't share much about emotions or feelings, they were there in his worst moments, they accepted him even when he was broken and bruised and at the bottom.
They were there when he took the mark and they didn't leave him, they hugged him while he cried, they protested him when he needed the most.
And he did the same to them.
For this he would always be grateful to Barty and Evan..

"We love you too" he heard a whistle in the atmosphere. He closed his eyes in his last moments before arriving at the right place.
Everything went black for a second, until it wasn't anymore.
Regulus finally opened his eyes.

He was ready, wasn't he?

Chapter Text

Remus was going mad, it had been a harrowing few days for him, with the full moon that had to arrive, the unexpected attack to The Order that had caused so many wounded wizards. And now his best friend - his other brother - and his most trusted companion were almost at death's door.

His nerves were exploding, with Sirius continuing to go back and forth in the hospital's corridors, assaulting every healer he could find that day, trying to understand how their best friend were doing, if they were alive, if they were gravely wounded or not.
But no one had any news, no one could say anything, they were all too busy, all too worried, all too stressed, they passed through them without a second glance.

His brain hadn't had a moment's rest since that unknown patronus had appeared at their front door that morning.
A greyhound had shown up at their flat, urgently asking for Sirius and sending him to the Potter house, 'Come to the Potters, now'. It was quickly and effective, there was no time to think why and how. They just moved. It could have been a trap? Yes. Did they care? Not enough. The need to know them safe was more important to them.

And when they arrived their world stopped there.

The house that was supposed to be inviolate had been desecrated, his best friend slumped on the floor in a pool of blood and Lily on the bed unconscious, with Harry crying like a maniac. The house was practically destroyed, puddles of blood and clashes were the only traces that had been left behind.
And it was something he no longer wanted to see.

And Sirius hadn't helped.
Completely beside himself he had almost burst into hysterical tears as he knelt aside James' body, believing him dead, he almost had a panic and it was not- not necessary. Not when they had other two people that had to take care of.

And instead - luckily they were here - the pulse was there. They were still breathing, whoever went to save them tried to heal them as much as he could but it was no healer as they could see. But he hoped it was sufficient and that they were right in time and that their pulse continued it to beat.

"Shh Harry, please, please stop- stop crying" Sirius was trying to comfort the baby but how could Harry feel safe if Sirius first was out of himself, looking like a maniac.
How could Harry feel safe If Sirius first was- "Shhh- Twinkle Twinkle little star-"

Wait-

Now that he was really thinking-

He thought back to a few hours before, a few days before, what he heard about hiding them, how they tried to preserve them from anything, because Harry was important-

Their house was hidden by a charm, a fidelius charm. They would have been unplottable. How did James and Lily finished on that bed in that hospital that day? How the fuck did they got injured? They were- they were protected- and

Sirius- Sirius was their keeper.

Sirius.

Sirius?

That Sirius-?

Their Sirius?

His Sirius?

"Sirius," he said suddenly rising and almost ripping Harry from his arms.
His boyfriend - traitor? Boyfriend or traitor ? Boyfriend and traitor.
What did you do Sirius?

Remus laughed to himself, thinking he was going crazy- Sirius looked at him startled, his eyes open wide, tears from before streaming down his cheeks.
He felt sick to see him under this light.
Sirius- his Sirius- but- not- It couldn't be- not Sirius.

Sirius would have died for James.

Sirius would have died for Lily.

For Harry.

It- it wasn't him- but- at the same time it must be him- because he was their keeper so who else could have done that? It was the only thing he could think of.
He didn't understand. His head was spinning, his heart reached unimaginable levels, he couldn't think, he couldn't think, he couldn't think.

His brain wasn't working why was Sirius here if he was guilty? If he was the one who betrayed them?

Remus couldn't believe it.
Remus didn't want to believe it.

But at the same time, could he be surprised?
No, not really.

It had already happened, hadn't it? Fifth year, Hogwarts.
Sirius had already fucked up for his bullshit and others had gone in between - innocents. The fifth year was still indelibly in his mind, the betrayal, what he had felt. He was going to kill someone innocent. He was going to o kill Snape.

So, it could have been, another mistake.

With Sirius everything could happen.
He himself insisted on Black's madness, which he had inherited.
He himself repeatedly thought of himself as equal to them. Blood of their blood. And logic was not Sirius' strength.

But why?
Why was he here?
Why to James?
He was on the verge of tears.
He couldn't believe. It was not real, not real, not real.

"Remus" Sirius reached out, trying to stroke Harry who was still crying in his arms, but he took a step back. The intuition flashed in his head, his mouth gaping open. "Moony what-"

"Don't- don't call me that Sirius- don't you dare. Not now, not now, not now" he whispered into the packed room, he didn't want others to hear, first he had to understand him- he couldn't-

Please, not Sirius, not Sirius. Not his Sirius.
Not the man he loved. Not the man he worshipped.
Please, please, please.
He was going to cry, his heart was bleeding.

"I know that everything right now is stressful and the moon is coming-"

"This isn't about the moon Sirius. Tell me-why are James and Lily here? On a hospital bed? Why did they come to their house?"

"I- I don't know- You-Know-Who probably wanted Harry- you know for the prophecy- I'm just like you speechless-"

He laughed. An odd laugh. Not his. Colder.
But the bubble of betrayal was setting in, his heart ached, his chest struggling to rise. He was about to have a panic attack but he couldn't give in. Not now. He had to protect Harry.

"You are just like me? Who was supposed to make sure this didn't happen Sirius? How? How did they find them? They were under the fidelius charm Sirius. How Sirius?" he said pointing to his figure in a voice that leaked all the betrayal he felt in his body. "You were their fucking keeper. What the fuck did you do Sirius?"

"Remus- Remus no- do you really think- me? I? What? Did-we" Sirius stuttered as he tried to respond to his accusation, feeling almost betrayed by his words.
But why?
There was no other explanation. Sirius betrayed them.
Why, why, why?
There was something wrong, so wrong.

"What else am I supposed to think Sirius huh? Bullshit is your forte after all isn't it? Snape remind you of anything? I nearly died because of what you thought was a joke- so what is this? A joke like any other? Let's see what happens? Why are they here!" And as he continued in his speech he saw Sirius' eyes darken, no longer seeing his signature blue, no longer seeing light, only darkness.
A real Black right?

"If that is what you think of me, what you have always thought of me- well Remus- I guess you and I have nothing more to say to each other." He made to walk outside, away from him. It was better that way, really.
He didn't want him near Harry. Near James or Lily. She didn't want him any more.

"Sirius please, give me a fucking explanation! Why did you do that? Why? They were your best friend! You- I can't believe that you did that- but can't I really?"

"Is it because I'm a Black right?" Sirius laughed, turning around, still that light in his eyes, as if he was the one who felt betrayed and not the other way around.
As if he was the innocent one and Remus was the one who had missed the point.
"It always comes back there. You talk about redemption, but as soon as something happens we blame Black. He must be like his whole fucking psycho family after all." He laughed again, a cold, calculating laugh, one he had before he escaped from that house, when he still had to keep his mask on.

And finally Sirius went out of the hospital and Remus fell to his knees, crying for the first time that week, holding Harry who seemed to share his pain.

He only felt wrong, wrong, wrong.
Why, why, why?

He started crying in that corridor, feeling so alone.
James, Lily, please wake up. I can't without you here.

----------------------

Time passed slowly, without any news being brought. Sirius had returned after a while but had not spoken to him. His gaze was fixed in front of him, he did not answer questions and no longer attacked the doctors for answers.
He was simply motionless. Catatonic.

He had been staring at the same blank wall for hours, without moving, drinking, eating, or speaking. If some wasn't paying attention to the men, one could even forgot he was there at all. He almost seemed to blend in with the place, white as milk, and empty as the mood of the people in there.

And- and Remus shouldn't care. Really.

He had Harry to care about who was still crying after alla that. And he didn't know what to do. He was getting mad.
But at the same time he was wondering what memories Sirius was seeing us that blank wall. What situations he was reliving. Was it when they had almost killed him? When they had forced the mark on him but he had refused? The abuse? What, Sirius what?

"Mr. Black and Mr. Lupin, Miss Evans is awake."
They leapt to their feet so fast they almost fell off their chairs.
Lily.
Lily was awake.

"How-how is she?"

"She only suffered a slight concussion from the fall, but nothing serious. It's probably Mister Potter who will have more trouble waking up; he seems to have been caught in a particularly powerful explosion."
Remus swallowed a lump of saliva that had stuck in his throat.
He didn't think James would be the first of them to- nothing.
James was fine and he would wake up and be the usual ray of sunshine.

"Can we see Lily?" The healer nodded and escorted them to the room where Lily was resting.

When they entered his eyes filled with tears.
"Harry!" She tried to scream, but her voice was weak, her body tired, her skin pale. Yet he had never seen her more beautiful.
"Sirius! Remus!" Her smile faltered slightly, epsnicking at what had happened the night before, and two large tears rolled down her cheeks as she placed her son in her arms.

"James?" Lily asked with wide eyes. "O Merlin James, how is James?"

"They haven't told us much, he's alive Lily. He IS alive, but he suffered some more serious damage than you – so he's still unconscious."

"I thought- I thought we were going to die- all of us. And- I don't care- really- since the war started I knew it would come to this- but not for Harry. Not for him." She whispered into her son's hair, who for the first time that day seemed to calm down from hysterical crying.

"Merlin Lily- I'm sorry-" he knelt down again at the foot of her bed.

"And of what Remus? It was Voldemort Remus. He's- fuck he's scary. Terrible. I don't- I don't know if I want anymore- I-" she began to tremble, she must have post-traumatic stress at the mere mention of his name.
"James- James went first- he told me to take Harry away- but then- he fell and I-" she sobbed and he pressed himself against her, trying to give her warmth and comfort. Over Lily's shoulder she could see Sirius watching them with a wrinkled expression.

Do you see him? She tried to tell him in thought.
See what he's like?
What are you doing here?

"Peter-" whispered Lily at one point. "That rat- his animagus shows who he really is-" she laughed through her tears. Something dark. "Is it normal that I want to kill him? Does it make me a bad person?"

And for the first time Sirius spoke.
"Lily, you'll have to be quick if you want to kill him. Because there's already a tail." He answered harshly. And Remus was not understanding.
Why Lily was so quiet in the room with him.
Why was Sirius there if he had done it?
It was- what was going on?

His brain was too tired to understand- but he was missing something- he was missing a piece of essential information- and it centred Peter.

"Oh Sirius." He said, spreading his arms wide and finally Sirius rushed over. "We knew you would have been the best choice. James was so angry when you wouldn't accept to do that."

"At least someone who believes in me-" Sirius looked at him for the first time, his big blue eyes shooting lightning bolts at him. And then he understood.

Relief was the first thing he felt.
Even before the embarrassment.
Even before the shame.

It wasn't Sirius.
It hadn't been Sirius.
It hadn't been him.

The man he loved could never, and had acted like a coward, accusing him of something horrible, taking back what had happened in the past and that they had sworn never to speak of again.
He had been horrible to him.
But he felt so much relief that he could die right on the spot.

Sirius- Oh Sirius- could you ever forgive me? I certainly could not.
I will not forgive myself after today, after what I said.
But he was still so happy.
Sirius, his beautiful and perfect Sirius.

"Who? Who believes you were to blame?" but Sirius' gaze was so obvious that she didn't really need a response. "R-Remus? Oh-" Lily put a hand to her mouth. "Oh Remus- I- we-"

"Well- I feel like you guys weren't completely honest with me either. You could have- you could have told me- that Sirius- Peter-I didn't know that! It's- It's not-" he felt his migraine getting worse, he felt under constantly watch and he was so tired.

Like a fucking bomb ready to explode.

And all he asked was some good sleep. Not much right?
But in the last period he felt as he was constantly walking on eggshells around everyone. Albus and his fucking demands, Moody, the pack, Sirius, James, Lily, Harry. Everyone wanted something and he could give them nothing.

But please stop- stop- stop.
Be quiet for a moment.

He just needed some rest, or he would gave up.
He took his head in his hands, grunting from the pain.

He already knew that right now sleep was impossible for him.
Not when Sirius was fucking angry with him, James was unconscious, Harry continued to cry and Lily was traumatised.

He felt everything on his shoulders.
And he was fucking twenty-one.
He was- tired.

"Sure- like you are telling me about your werewolves' missions?"

"It's not the same thing you and you know that! They're my two best friends! This- this could have changed everything!"

"Of course it's the same- and what does that have to do with anything? Peter was also- was also their friend and see what the fuck he did to them!"

"You don't really think I would have betrayed them? After all they've done for me!"

"I don't know! You tell me! It seemed clear to me from what you told me before that you thought it was possible from me, so why not from you? Because you are mighty and right?"

And Remus was about to retort, but they were both tired tired, they would go on and on and end up saying things to each other that they would regret, and he was already regretting so many things-
"I'm sorry Sirius." He stood up approaching his boyfriend but he shifted slightly, not looking him in the eye. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Deep down I knew you weren't the one- but-"

"I don't care- actually good to know what you really think of me. I'm just a Black for you after all."

"No, shit Sirius! Come and meet me halfway! I didn't know about Peter! You didn't tell me anything yourself! You didn't trust me first what- what I could think Sirius! What? It was the only possible end for the things I knew!"

"Guys- maybe- you should let things cool down a bit, talk about it later, it's- it's no one fault. I- I understand both of you-" Lily said. Trying to get them down a bit. Probably they were making a scene in the whole hospital.

"You should have had faith in me! What do you think I was doing in the hospital if I had betrayed them? I would have had a fucking target on my back for every member of the Order here!"

"I don't know! It was your brother who was in the hospital so I thought that was a mistake! That it had happened."

"Oh now you think I'm the village idiot! How could happened when their life were at stake! You thought I went to the fucking Voldemort and said 'Hey listen, I got their location, do whatever you want." Lily flinched at those words and Remus too. They were not ready for that.

"Sirius I'm trying here. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry- and I'll keep telling you. I didn't really believe it- I didn't want to- but what I knew was all different- I'll be sorry for all my life but I-" Sirius shifted his gaze again.

"We need you together. Peter already betrayed us. When James will wake up he will be so out of himself- it was his first friend- he believed him so much- you must stay strong for him. Please guys." Lily said almost pleading.

"I know Lily, and I will be there for you. But I think- I think we should take some time a part Remus- we'll still see each other and everything but- we'll see"

"Sirius-" Lily said with her mouth open.
With the end of their relationship, an empire fell. They were the ones. Everyone thought that. They were the couple.

"Sirius- not" he closed his eyes. He had ruined everything. As usual. "Are you leaving me?" His voice was cracking, he could understand - he could understand the betrayal Sirius was feeling. He could understand everything. All.
But- but he needed Sirius. He loved him. He couldn't live without-

"No Remus- I'm not leaving you- for now. But you need to regain the trust in our relationship. I- as you nicely reminded me- I fucked years ago. And that's why I had to earn your forgiveness. Now-"

"Now it's my turn-"

"I'm going to live with James for a while, I sincerely don't know if we'll never be the same again." Sirius whispered as a final act of a play and Remus felt his heart sink. He was going crazy. He felt his heart shatter. He was sorry they had brought their problems on Lily, but he was exploding. He was like a deadman walking.

It passed some moments of complete silence around them, probably all the fucking hospital had just heard about their argument and well- good riddance!
He huffed angry while he dat again on the bed stroking gently Lily's hand who was watching the wall motionless. He was sorry they argued in front of her but- there they were so-

“Oh- it was- who saved us?” She asks suddenly. "James was passed out and I was also going to-" she stopped herself, gulping. "who? Without that person we would be dead, and- even Harry. It had been a miracle. I thought James was gone."

"We don't know- we actually wanted to ask you that-" But then Harry started crying again. He had only stopped for a few dozen minutes.

"Buddy, what's wrong with you? You have your mum Harry – she's here" Sirius bent over the baby, caressing his head, but instead of calming down he cried even more, worrying everyone who was there. He just wanted to rip all his hair off.

"Lily, Harry has been crying all day, we don't know what to do-" Remus continued. He couldn't take his relationship problems out on Lily who had almost been killed.

"He's not- he's strange- he's usually always very quiet- calm- I don't understand why he is like this-" her eyes widened. "Oh Merlin, what is this?" She was so scared that they hurried near her bed to see what she was pointing at, and it was so faint that they almost didn't see it. It was almost gone, faded, but it was there nonetheless.

A red thread.

On Harry's little finger.

Oh fuck-

"Oh Merlin's balls Lily. What the fuck? Oh-this-" Remus widened his eyes, he read about them once, because bonds were something a werewolf could be effected from. Wolves believe in fate and bonds, they really gave a meaningful meaning to them and when someone formed a bond it was usually for the best. It meant that they had found their other person, the one whom could led them to their human form once again.

But on a baby?
On Harry?
After all that happened?
He didn't know for sure but he wasn't convinced it was a good thing, Harry could be bonded to Voldemort himself for what they knew. Or to- fuck- it could be-? To the person who saved them?

But that meant that- they were connected by something- it's weird and strange. He had to think about it.

"What Remus? What is this? Is he sick? Is he ill? Oh, Merlin, please, not."

"No- or- well- not too much. It's a bond. Maybe the person who saved you last night bonded with your son. It's- it's incredible- it- means that- that person went all his way in. He was going to die for Harry."

"W-what? Someone was going to die for us?" Lily whispered and even Sirius had to sit on the bed.
Who could have been?
Someone so gone for the Potters who was willing to die for them? Who could that person be? Who out of there was willing to sacrifice his life for them?

"Where is my son? You can't keep me from seeing him. Right Now" they hear some hushed voice outside their door and the almost laughed for the fists time.
Effie was so nice but when she wanted could impose herself like the queen she was.

"This is Effie's voice" Lily said brighter, James' mum had that effect on everyone.

"Lily! My dear! And little Harry!" Effie was crying her heart out and behind her Monty was no better. "What happened? Oh watch you- I'm so sorry- I'm sorry we couldn't came sooner but with the attack yesterday and everything else we-"

"The attack?" Lily asked trembling, that day was getting worse as it was going on.

"Not- not now honey- don't worry- we are- getting there-It's okay" Effie said not really watching them in the eyes. It was bad. It had been bad.

"Good evening Miss. Evans. Right in time to ask for some question." Albus entered the door and they all grimaced. They need to be comfortable and right now remembering everything with Albus was a bit nervous. He all watched them with his calculating eyes, you could never decipher what was going on.

"How are you Lily?" Effie asked her, taking Harry from her arms, he was still sobbing but less than before. Fortunately. They were scared Harry would choke on his own spit if he continued like that.

"I'm- I'm better- Effie- Monty I'm so sorry- James went first- he told me to run he wanted Harry. He wanted him and James tried to stop but he hadn't his wand with him and-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Your son is like this because of me." she burst into tears and Monty took harry while Effie was hugging her tightly.

"It's okay- it's okay honey. You are both here- and that is what matters in the end- I'm so happy you are here. James is my son but you are the mother of my grandchild- I don't want you to happen something. You are enough darling. You don't have to feel this burden, not now. Just heal and everything will be okay." She whispered around them and Remus almost started crying too. She was such a mother.

"How did you escape? How did you survive? Did Peter-" Albus asked, while watching them as an experimentation. As they were his guinea pig to put under some tests and he snapped.

"Did you know? About Peter? Tell us- did you know?" Remus said suddenly, this idea popping out, his worst nightmare. But it was all there. Albus knew. He had to know. Or to suspect something.

"Remus you can't be serious. Albus, you couldn't know and accept this so easily" Sirius said, taking a stop ahead of him. "They were going to die, Albus."

"I'll be completely honest with you-" he said after some moments and they all closed their eyes. It was a confirm.

"Honest" Sirius scoffed, looking murderous. "Like the other times right? When you used us like your test subject? THEY WERE GOING TO DIE ALBUS AND- and you would have put their death on my shoulders- you were going to accept that? What are you?"

"I must do everything I can to win this war. I only had some suspicions on Peter- someone told me briefly about him- but I wasn't sure. Now- we have confirmed it."

"Good fucking riddance. If- if this mysterious saint did not appear- fuck they would have been dead! Are you out of your mind?" Remus growled like an animal. The moon was too soon and he should not be tempted. He could have slit Albus throat right here. He needed some space or- or he would have killed their fucking leader.

"Albus. Is this real? Did you put my son in danger?" Monty said angrily, his gaze threatening, his fists clenched beside his torso.
One thing you shouldn't have done was put James in danger.
Never. Put. In. Danger. His. Son.
He was their light, their only heir and they loved him like nothing else in their lives.

"I didn't know it would end this way, I don't hold myself responsible for what happened. Someone more suitable could have been chosen. Others are dead and others not. It's war." Albus said like he was telling them about his fucking grocery list and not about the death of two of the most important person in his life.

"Why didn't you do it personally? You said Harry was so important, that Lily and James were the parents of a prodigy, yet you made their keeper a fucking rat in the truest sense of the word. Why Albus?"

"Nothing was certain. Some things are given by fate." Dumbledore said not really responding at Sirius' suggestion. And sincerely, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
"And now Lily, tell us about this- person who saved you. Have you seen him? Was he a Death Eater?" It was his dismissal. His way to say we are done taking about this.

But Lily only shook her head. "No. I was-we were both already- it was a miracle. A true miracle. But now Harry is bound to this person." A strange gleam flashed in Dumbledore's eyes as he stepped closer to look at the red thread. "And Harry keeps crying."

Effie bent down to look at the little one, with an expert gaze. She had been a doctor for most of her life and had seen so many different things.
"It means this person is hurt. He will be emotionally bond with the one who saved your life. Until we cut this bond off. And I don't know how." She said at the end, her gaze uncertain. "I don't know if it's a good or a bad sign."

"Bad probably" Sirius said, angrily and all of them watched him. "Well- every member of the Order was busy yesterday, so it must have been a Death Eater. I don't want my godson to be- tied- to- to them.He will not share anything with them.
Not an ounce of this- this things. I don't want he near one of those killers, blood purist, bigot. They will not touch him."

Albus hummed. "But that's good- because we know that there is someone else playing for us." And fuck- he hated that gaze. He hated what he was thinking.
A sacrifice.
"I'll take my leave now, let me know when James will wake up."

"And about Peter?" Monty said as a warning.
Well, well, well Peter dear.
You are on the dead list of a lot of people.
Never mess with a Potter.

"What, what about Peter?"

"Will you put him in Azkaban?"

"Oh It wasn't my intention. We could use him as bait-"

But this time was Effie who got up and almost slapped Albus cheek. It was strange to see that woman always so caring be so angry.
"I suggest you not to continue this speech if you still want us in your Order. You'll put Peter in Azkaban for all his life. Are we clear Albus? Because he almost killed my son, Lily and my nephew. And who say he couldn't try that again? So you'll shut the fuck up and search for him everywhere or I swear to Merlin itself that this will be your last warning. Next time you don't know what I'll do."
And yes- he felt a light shiver on his back.
He shared a glance with Sirius who was watching her as she was holding the sun.

Never, never, never touch Effie's family.

Chapter Text

When Regulus arrived where he had been called, he noticed a sudden change of locations, it was not 'Malfoy Manor' like always but he recognised the house of Rabastan Lestrange, the unfortunate husband of his psychopathic cousin. And- it was unexpected, but not unthinkable.
They would probably take turns torturing him until he begged for mercy.
Not that he would ever do that.
If there was one thing he was good at, it was withstanding both mental and physical torture. After years of practice, one could only expect that from a future Lord Black, no?

"Regulus, where the heck have you been?" Narcissa walked towards him with a light but firm step, almost martial, as her mother taught her. He looked into her eyes for a moment, trying not to let his anxiety and fear show.
If he had to die, he would do so with his head held high.

"I was busy."

"More important than answering a call from the Dark Lord? Have you gone mad?"

"You should know that madness runs in our blood Narcissa dear, so why not?" He smiled, one of those wolfish smiles, a mask behind a face that no longer had reality.
He honestly no longer knew who he was, what he was, what he had turned into.

Narcissa looked up and Bellatrix came from behind her, her eyes bulging out of their sockets, blood on her hands.
"You are finally here. God, what did Walburga teach you? If we didn't have any more problems I'd teach you some manners myself," she said, taking his arm and dragging him with her into another room.
Problems? Interesting.
So they were not here for him. Voldemort had said nothing yet.
But why?
Had he not had the time or was it a deliberate choice?
The man was absolutely unpredictable. Something unthinkable.

"There he is," she said throwing him into the room and he felt the wounds that Barty had failed to heal open up even more, a gag of vomit ran through him from head to toe but he tried to mask it with indifference and emptiness.
He was good at lying, always had been, so it wasn't difficult for him, but he wouldn't last long. Not when the blood was starting to flow again and wet his clothes.

"So? Where is he?" He said impatiently. He was done waiting, let's finish this quickly.

"You will not address him in that tone. Regulus, you are disappointing all of us," his cousin said, stepping to his side and lashing him in the ribs, now he really needed to vomit and he buckled in pain. He closed his eyes for a moment as he saw the stars, his head whirled around and he tried to breathe deeply despite the fact that it was practically impossible.

"Our Dark Lord encountered some problems on yesterday's mission. An unknown source has-" Regulus did not understand.
Unknown source?
Where was Voldemort?
Why was he not speaking?

He walked slowly to where they had all gathered, there were not many of them, Nott, Lucius, Narcissa, Bellatrix, Snape and Rabastan. Interesting choice.
He made room in the crowd and finally saw him.

A mean smile made room on his face and he brought a hand to his mouth to cover it, a gesture that was understood by the others as extreme shock. He wanted to laugh so hard, if just he remembered how to do it.

So I finally beat you, huh? Who's up and who's in a bed?

"Regulus we called you here because we need you and Severus to look after him. He doesn't- doesn't seem to be recovering. We've tried healing spells, but none of us are skilled enough at those." He pretended to nod at Narcissa's explanation.
He would have very happily given him the cold shoulder if he had not learned of the Horcruxes, if he had not been absolutely certain that his soul would return.

He casted a glance at Snape who looked at him with a raised eyebrow, as if to say 'Was this you? Remarkable' and Regulus rolled his eyes, grimacing.

"We may try, but our skills will not be enough equally. More advanced magic is needed here," Severus said in his usual atonal, almost bored tone.

Regulus looked again at the body of one of history's greatest wizards, slumped on the bed as if ready to be laid in the ground. Burns present on half of his body, what was once so fascinating was now only a memory. Rubble of something greater.

He felt a slight sense of satisfaction.
After all he had made him lose, give up, after all the suffering he had caused him - well - it was satisfying to see him like this because of him.
He smiled again as he bent down to analyse him better.

The deeper wounds had been badly healed, the ones on his face stitched up, it seemed strange that he was still breathing but it was actually quite normal.
After all the effort Voldemort had put into his cause, dying here would have made everything so worthless.
"Where is the snake?" Regulus asked suddenly, he missed that fucking animal at his side every time he breathed something, was he dead? Better that way.

"Why are you asking about the fucking snake when you have our Lord like this? We don't fucking care." Rabastan said gritting his teeth.

"I'm asking fucking dumbass because they have a fucking connection, so maybe it could help. But I'm saying something too elaborate for you tiny little brain" he responded and he saw Rabastan coming for him, his fists clenched at his side and an encouraging smile took place on his face, he loved to rile up rabastan.
He was so easy.

"Rabastan, don't be embarrassing. Stop there." Lucius promptly said, stopping him there and Bellatrix watched him with a murderous look.

"Anyway" Regulus said looking at Rabastan once more, a mischievous grin on his face. "I say we go to the lab and see what we can do to improve the situation, though I agree with what Severus says. Someone more specialised is needed here."

"Then go, what are we waiting here?" Bellatrix interrupted him quickly making way for her to pass.

At that time, almost every important meeting place for the Dark Lord had a workshop with the most important ingredients, to be used when required, in the most critical situations. Or to have access to some truth serum, or some poison, or something to heal the wounded.

"Did you see yourself before you came here? You stink of blood and vomit, you're limping and you've been leaving bloody footprints since you came in. If your cousin wasn't so worried about our Lord she would have finished you off laughing." Snape went up to him from behind, making him wince and then roll his eyes.

"Go to hell Snape. I can't care about you right now." He knew very well how he was looking right now, and he didn't want to be reprimanded for it by none other than Snape.

"Here" Snape said handing him a potion from under his coat, Regulus looked quickly at his purple colour and took it without further question, he knew by now that it could do him more good than harm.
"I assume the situation is under control." And he rolled his eyes again, it was just pathetic, he couldn't do nothing to save Lily but he was nonetheless asking him.

"Now that you mention it," he said as he watched the others enter the room used as a lab. He pushed Severus against the wall and threatened him with his wand.
"You owe me a debt, a pretty important one no?" he whispered these words as Snape began to stir under his touch.

"What debt? I told you where to find them. I was the reason-"

"I don't really care about you or the readhead, but nothing can stop me from going back and kill her. Did you see what I have done to our mighty Lord? So are you in for this or do I have to give her another lovely meeting?" He whispered those words, trying not to show how much effort he was putting into uttering them. Twinges of pain were radiating throughout his body from his stomach to his head and he was struggling to stand. He was sorry to use Lily like this but better have Snape in his side than not.
He could be very helpful when needed.

"Are you gone mental Black? You would never-" but he squeezed Snape's throat more tightly with one elbow as he held up his wand, stopping his speech there.
How annoying- boring, boring, boring.

Regulus was almost as tall as he was so it was not difficult to keep him there.
He looked him in the eyes as he took the potioner's knife he carried with his other hand from his pocket. He didn't know how he was looking right now, bloodied and crazy probably he was alike to his cousin Bellatrix. But blood didn't lie, so he was the mighty heir to their family.
He would have not lived enough to see the disappointment in his brother's face, the only one who was sane.

"You will owe me a life's debt now. I saved the girl and this is the price to pay." He continued, cutting his palm, a thin trickle of blood already trickling down. "Or I swear Severus you'll not see her again."

"I- okay Black- okay- just move," Snape finally said, too scared to move, now not only threatened by the wand but also by the knife he held.
He quickly cut Severus' palm as well and they shook hands, thus sealing the pact.

"You will not refuse me anything, run away or avoid me. From today you are mine." he laughed lightly, letting go of his hand. "And do me a favour, do not say about me to Dumbledore. I know about your little runaway with him and I don't need that."
Snape only watched him, his gaze lifeless as always but there was a hint of panic behind those eyes and he smiled again.
He licked his lips feeling some blood on his tongue, and then he entered in the room.

"What the fuck did you wait for?" Lucius said as they entered.
He rolled his eyes but he didn't care.
Voldemort was not here to reprimand him so he had free access to everything he wanted without being questioned in every fucking move.

Fuck- he felt almost good. Like he could actually breathe, without someone else constantly watching him. Because who fucking cares about Lucius or his cousins. They were not Voldemort so they could command him nothing, they were only his pawns so they held no power over him.

"We have to talk about something, sorry" he fake smiled at them, and Lucius was to say something but he stopped when he saw a glint into his eyes.
He knew that Lucius and Narcissa were talking at his back about who he was becoming, and he knew that Narcissa was scared of seeing him becoming like Bellatrix.

They were very close as children so she was the only one who really cared about his well-being, but she didn't need to.

He was fine.
As fine as everyone who went through that could be.

She knew very well what his family was capable of so she couldn't blame him for the person he became. He was traumatised, tired, sleepless, angry, lonely and even scared for most of the days, even though he tried not to show that. So really- it wasn't his fault. But now- it wasn't time to think about that.

Now he had to do something very important.

With Voldemort out of his way he had free access to find his Horcruxes, without him knowing.

But firstly he had to do something better, something that could give him all the access he needed.
He had to eliminate all of his nuisances.
One in particular.

"Let's see what we can do in the meantime" he said starting to look around, knowing perfectly well that if Voldemort had not woken up on his own he certainly would not have helped him in doing so.

Good luck with your recovery, Oh mightily and powerful Lord.
You'll really need that.

---------------------------

November, 1976

"It's a little cold here, isn't it?" Regulus was sitting by the Black Lake, reading one of his usual books. James often believed that if they were not in different houses he and Remus would get along. They were more alike than they wanted to admit.
It was the second week of November and he tried to speech to the youngest Black since September, but he was never alone or near him so he grabbed his occasion today.

"What do you want, Potter?" These were the first words Regulus spoke in his direction that day, and a playful smile returned to his lips.
He loved that.

He couldn't understand his attraction to Sirius' brother, but every time since his best friend had run off to their home, bloody and wounded, he found himself wondering if Regulus was going through the same.

Sirius had told him that it was Regulus himself who had told him to leave, because he wanted all the attention his parents could give him, because he wanted to become their heir. The little blood supremacist was growing up and he was becoming a real Death Eater, with his bigots and idiotic friends.
Something to be proud of.

But James wasn't entirely sure.

James couldn't understand their situation, he hadn't suffered what they suffered, his parents were heavenly, but he could imagine how fucked up the mind of a fifteen year old who had only seen pain all his life could be.

So he decided he had to give Regulus another chance.
James had to make him understand that a parent wasn't always right, that he could change, that he could come and stay with him all he wanted.

"I just want to know how you are doing." Regulus rolled his eyes returning to read his book. It was new, big, brown. He had seen something similar from Lily once.

"Fine, before you came. And fine when you'll go. So bye" he fake smiled at him and he laughed it off. Regulus had become sharper and more beautiful than before, he had grown up a bit but he still had a bit of a baby face in him. A little skinner that needed but he hoped that with Hogwarts's food he would replenish himself.

"I'm fine too, thanks for asking, Reggie. Always so caring."

"It's Regulus, not Reggie" and this time he was the one who rolled his eyes.

"Fine, Regulus.What are you reading?" He only glared at him. "I'm not going away anytime soon. I have some spare time and you are here all alone. I'm saving you from all this boredom. So- what are you reading?"

"The Hobbit" Regulus muttered something else under his breath but he didn't understand what, maybe some more insults to him, but it was okay.

"Uh oh, never heard of that" James said again, trying to catch a glimpse of the book cover, maybe he had seen it anywhere.

"It's a muggle book" Regulus explained patiently and maybe- maybe he wasn't so against having him here. He wasn't openly ignoring him, so it was a win.

But at the same time he was so shocked that his eyebrows almost reached his hairline. He must have heard wrong. or Regulus was very ill.

Regulus Black, the heir to the Black family, who was reading something written by normal people? By muggles?

"Don't look so surprised," he muttered with a red face, embarrassed, hiding behind the book. "You don't know how logical muggleborns are, they've invented a magical world, a fucking wizard without even knowing what a wizard is! It's just brilliant, don't you think? In my opinion this Tolkien guy watched something magical and wrote about it- it's impossible- it's too bloody fantastic!"

He said fidgeting and moving his hands all busy explaining about this world and James found himself smiling. He had probably never heard such a long speech come out of Regulus' mouth unless it was about quidditch.
He could have listened to it for hours.

"Tell me more about it" James said instead, still smiling, watching the freckles on Regulus skin, he had this intrusive though of touching them, and he would have done it if he didn't know better that Regulus would have punched him immediately.

"You are making fun on me" Regulus stopped immediately, looking suspicious at his face, but no. He wasn't kidding, he was interested in the book. Mor in Regulus, but that's only for him to know.

"No- I'm quite interested, a magic word written by a muggle? That's- unheard of-how they perceive us? Is it good? Is he powerful? Is it accurate?"

"No, I'm not telling you now, read it and you'll know. Go away." Regulus said childishly pouting and he just wanted to make him smile so bad. To take all of his attention.
He wanted Regulus to watch him. To see him.

So he decided to do something very wide and picked the book from Regulus hands while Regulus tried to reach it, grunting something under his breath again.
"Well- well- well- let's see- ow but there is a dragon there!" He said pointing at the image and he smiled again while Regulus tried to get on top of him with his little tiny body.

"You gigantic ass, give me back-" and James laughed, because Regulus was always so put on that seeing him like this was fucking hilarious. And beautiful.

"Gigantic ass? How elegant, so much for a Black"

"Shut up- dickhead- it's your fault for being so tall- and yes that's a dragon, good to know that those stupid glasses of yours serves to something"

"Oi! They are not stupid- and yeah- they do their job very well- thank you for asking"
Regulus crawled into his lap, straddling on his legs, near his groin- and yeah- that did something to his body, his heart was beating fast, heat on his cheeks, eyes out of him. "If you wanted to be so near, you just had to ask, pretty boy" he whispered with a bravery he didn't think he had in him.

Yeah- he was a Gryffindor but- well- with Regulus everything was different.

He was quite conscious of his body and his aspect, but he didn't perceive himself like everyone else did.
He was insecure most of the time but with Peter and Remus near him who thought that they were constantly not enough about their aspect, he couldn't give them more burden. They didn't have to listen to his complain about- about nothing- about his own mind who was just a little bit paranoid and saw things a little differently.

People seem to imagine James had everything, and so he shouldn’t complain about his problems.
But in fact It was difficult to live up to the standard some days.
He had the best parents so he had to show them. He was still part of one of the most important families of wizard, so he had to do well- not the same as the Black but he didn't want to let down his parents- they gave so much to him- it was the only right thing he could do for them.

Be the son they were proud of.

Regulus stuttered some words, becoming so red James thought he could explode before recomposing himself, grabbing the book with one hand and punching his stomach with the other.
And yeah- he deserved that-

"Don't get too carried away, Mr. Cockiness, you'd just be lucky to have a single bit of my attention." Regulus answered to him as he adjusted his tie and licked his lip, looking at him with two eyes so clear that he felt peered into his soul.

And those eyes- fuck those eyes- he would imagine until the end of his days.
So beautiful and mysterious, so peculiar, a little green in a sea of gray, like a storm.

"I- just- hum- well- what?" James stuttered his words under Regulus's attentive gaze. And he suddenly felt his mouth dry, his brain melt.

Regulus got up from the grass.
"Potter, think carefully about who you're playing with before you start." Regulus winked at him, adjusting his black and green Slytherin uniform, so in tone with his eyes.

James had never paid attention.

Just as he had never paid attention to the trousers that wrapped his legs perfectly, the long fingers that held the book, the smile he tried to hide, the small but full lips, the straight and perfect nose, the most beautiful butt he had ever seen- it was so round and- no- stop. But he didn't stop, those trousers were not legal, if he tried them up they would not fit so well for him. It must be some kind of magic.

"Thank you for nothing Potter. Oh and you can tell my brother that I'm fine."
With that said he left, while James could still feel his heart pounding.

"Don't- he didn't- Sirius didn't- he didn't send me-" he stammered into the wind, because by now Regulus had left without turning back.

And thankfully- thought James, looking at the state he was in, a slight bulge in his trousers and probably the arousal of his cheeks.
Fuck- he moaned embarrassed. He got excited thinking about Regulus Black? Sirius little and innocent brother? Oh Merlin

But- but that was normal wasn't it?

He was a sixteen-year-old boy after all, the hormones have that effect on everyone around him, Sirius was like sleeping with every girl he found available, and that- that was extremely okay.

He just had to ask Remus if it was normal for it to happen to a man, if- if it was normal for a straight boy to be excited by a man.

It must be, right?

Otherwise he had to reconsider a couple of things.

---------------------

James woke up with his body feeling like fire and his head pounding. He felt like he had to vomit but something was stopping him, it was-
He opened his eyes with difficulty but it didn't change the situation much since he didn't have his glasses aside on the bedside table, and without them he was blinder than a mole.
He yelped in pain when he tried to move and realized something broken was healing, maybe a leg.

"James!" Some voices in the background screamed with joy?
But what was happening?
Where?
What- what had happened?
He almost thought he was dead but the pain still present in his body, the bed beneath him and his apparent blindness made him understand that he was not alive and was relatively well.

Glasses were placed in his hand.
"Merlin, thank you, I don't understand shit" he managed to mutter almost incomprehensible words, his mouth was thick, saliva stuck to his lips, but he heard laughter coming from the room.
"Can I have-" he pointed to the water next to his bed as he became aware of what was in the room.
The leg was definitely broken.
He was in hospital.
His parents were on either side of his bed.

These were certain things, the others were quite confusing.
His mother helped him up and gave him a few sips of water.
"I'll go get the others," his father said instead but he looked like he was about to cry, a twinkle in his eyes and his voice shaking. He left the room in a short time, without even letting him understand what had actually happened and tried not to feel too bad about it.
He felt scared about something and wanted his dad close.

"Mom?" he said after a few sips of water, feeling her voice return slightly, but she was crying too.
Hate-
Had something happened to Lily?
Harry?
Sirius?

"Mom- mom what's wrong? What happened? Lily?" He said getting excited and immediately the machinery started turning on like crazy.

"No, no, darling, don't worry, don't move too much otherwise the nurses will kick us out. It's okay- everyone's fine. You were the one- the one who didn't wake up James- there-" his mother burst into tears and he didn't know what to do.
He wasn't understanding anything.
Him? He didn't wake up?

"James! James!" Sirius shouted as he entered the room and rushed aside to his bed. "Don't- please don't scare me anymore- please James, please, please, please" Sirius was crying too, Remus on the other side of the room still shaken.

"I don't- I don't understand-" he said faintly and finally saw Lily with Harry in her arms. His son.
Little Harry.

And finally he remembered. A searing pain hit his head causing him to sit upright in pain. He doubled over, whimpering as the memories came back strong.
He almost dead.
He was almost dead.
It was Voldemort's fault.
No- Peter's fault-

"Peter" he let out a strangled noise as the room froze out.
"Peter- it was- what- why?" his head drummed as his heart began to beat rapidly-
Why Peter?
Why?
What have we done?
What have I done?
What have I taken from you, forbidden?

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he was now sobbing, why Peter did that? He should have chose Pads. "I'm sorry Lily, I'm so sorry. You must have been so scared. Harry" he took out his arms to hug his son while he continued crying. "I'm sorry pads, I'm sorry moons, I'm sorry mum, mum, mum and dad too. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he chocked out the last words and he put his head on his mother's shoulder.

"No- no James why are you apologizing?" Lily went to him, hugging him tightly, and he felt her warm arm around his torso. They were so comfortable.

"It-it's my fault- Peter- I must have done wrong- I'm sorry- I'm sorry" he could stop himself, he was so hopeless. How the fuck they were going to win that war if even his best friend started to betray them? How? Who was safe and who was not? What he was going to do? He didn't want to experiment anything like that again but they were still in war and- and Harry-

Oh Harry- so little- si defenseless and still they had tried to kill him.
To kill a child.
To kill a baby.
Who were those monsters?
Who? Why? Why all that pain?

"James what the fuck are you saying? It's the rat fucking fault- and you thinking like that- I cannot accept that- I'll kill him. I'll kill him with my hands and I'll be happy- watch what he did to you!" Sirius began rumbling about how fucking angry he was with Peter and- well he wasn't sure.

"No- no it's my fault! I must have did him wrong- I- I was a shitty friend and-" he couldn't believe that peter betrayed them without a reason. It must be his fault. It must be.
And for that even Harry and Lily were going to pay.
They were going to die for something he had done to Peter.

"James Fleamont Potter" his mother said, and he stopped his rambling. "I cannot hear you say those things- I don't even know where to start in saying how wrong you are, honey. Just-" she huffed, not watching him, his eyes still puffy and red. He felt so guilty. But she was watching him as she was referring to someone else.
Not about Peter but about another person. And he didn't want to think to hm right now.

"You- I'm not saying this because you are my son James. You are a wonderful person, you always think about the others first and- and you cannot blame yourself on this. Because you don't deserve it. Your health doesn't derive this. Peter made this choice on his own volition. You can just help them but at the end it's their choice. It's- it's awful when it's a friend to do this but we are in a war and- people get scared. I'm not forgiving Peter, I'm not. I'll kill him for injuring my precious baby- but not everything is on you- and you can't put this on your shoulders."

She probably knew.
She probably knew what he felt when Regulus made his choice, maybe she did know his name, she didn't know who was the boy he fell for and for whom he suffered but she knew that he always felt the burden of the world on his shoulders.

She knew that he always blamed himself for his choice, for not being able to save him. He should have done better- he should have understood better, not be so black and white, not be so obsessive about his life, his choices, but he should have listened more to Regulus' reasons.

Regulus was not a bad person, he just hadn't the chance to be good.
Regulus just hadn't the chance to be loved.
Regulus hadn't the chance to make a choice, not freely, not with the burden he carried, not with his parent watching everything.

And Lily and James had tried with him, really, but they hadn't been enough.
Regulus had to save himself first.
With Sirius he had been able, with his parent, Albus and Minerva's help he did it.
But Regulus was too tied to them, was too deep in their machinations, was too important in their cause, the last male heir in the Black family was essential for their cause.

He had understood too later what Regulus knew when he was only fifteen years older. This was just a game for them. They were just their pawns.

So- well- he should have tried harder with Regulus. Make him feel safer with him. Feel things that he didn't when he was with the person that should love him. That should have been enough.

Regulus knew their relationship wouldn't last long and he tried to gain the most of it. James on the other hand was always sure in saving him, in being enough powerful to keep him from falling, to keep him from the dark side.

Well- at the end James had been only a joke to them.
Against all that- that power, that death, that suffering, he was just a kid who thought to be more than what he actually was.

His father hugged him and he wanted to cry again, harry in his arms started to sleep after a bit and he watched his son coming down a little bit. "James" he kissed his head and he smiled slightly at him.

"James- you- you are barely an adult, you all are still children to us. Twenty- twenty years old and you are already suffering so much- you go near death almost everyday and you don't deserve this. I can't change that but I'm trying to change how you perceive yourself. How all of you perceive yourself. Sometimes- sometimes we ask too much from you. Dumbledore ask too much from all of you- you barely have entered in this world and you already giving so much. Just- understand that not everything is on your shoulders, please always remember that, okay?"

He watched his friends, as they understood what his father was saying, because it was so real, they entered in a war when they were barely eighteen and- and it was going on and on for years. They were young and tired. They couldn't really live like they dreamed off. And they didn't know if they ever will, or if they'll die.

The only who watched away was Remus, hollow under his eyes, he seemed to be the most tired of them all and he could only imagine how much he was suffering these days. There was a lot in his plate for him- his missions, the pack, the moon coming, the hiding he had to do, the things he had to keep from them, for Remus this war was- was more.

He had something tangible to do and nobody he could speak to.

Dumbledore was being insensible.
He wanted to understand him, that he was doing this for their sake, but at the same time- watching his best friend like that- so broken, so empty, he couldn't- it was fucking unfair.
And if he could he would take all of their pain on his shoulders. He wanted them to be happy, to be young again, to live their life like they should.

"Thanks, dad. I just- well- I just thought to be more important than I apparently was. And maybe I thought I was a better friend too. How stupid of me, right?" He faked smile to them, he just wanted to roll up on himself and cry for days.
But he couldn't. He was strong, he was their best friend stone, so he just smiled. Because it was better that way, because if he smiled they were calmer, and it was easier that way, hide that pain, hide what it was killing you. Just go on-

But this time it didn't go well because he only received some shrugs as response.
They only watched at him with those pity looks and he started to boil-
He was fine.
Fine, okay?
Fine, fine, fine.

If he continued to repeat that maybe he would believe that too.

"James, I don't know if you understand this- but I'll be willing to die for you and to kill for you. Never, never forget this. I'm loyal to you- not to Dumbledore, not to- to anyone. You are my person and I will protect everything that is mine. And this is because you were- you are sorry- the best men alive. Fuck- you are so good that someday I can't watch you in the eyes. So pure, so bright that I don't want to taint you with my darkness." He snapped out of his mind as Sirius started talking with an anger in his voice he never heard of. Even when he talked about his family he never said anything like this.

And he should feel bad.
Sirius just said that he'd be willing to kill for him.
But instead he felt almost relieved. A small smile spread across his face. A good shiver run along his back and he found himself smiling.

"I- I always knew you were the right person. Merlin I was so angry with you Pads when you didn't listen to us- but you are just so stubborn like-" Regulus he was saying but he was able to restrain himself.
Fortunately.
He was not ready to think again about Reg.
He didn't know why he thought about him so much today. It has passed so much time since he did that. He tried to forgot him and with the war and the distance he had been able to do so.

But sometimes- sometime he just missed him.
Because he still loved Regulus.
He still searched him in his bed some nights.

A silence fell between them- A silence full of tension that he didn't quite understand- but his head was still hitting like crazy and he didn't want to know anything else.
Just for now. A little bit of peace. He felt a little dizzy. All this hard talk had done quite the job on him.

He then groaned in pain, tasting his head who was still pounding like crazy.
"Just- just a little sore. A little of a headache- I'm good" he said to his friend and his parents who looked at him worried.
His mother went to call a nurse quickly, saying that the injury on his head was quite bad and they had to run some more tests.

"How much was I off?" He asked while they waited for the nurse to come.

"Five days, it's the fifth of November." Remus said the first thing of the day. And- well- that was a lot. Remus went near him, on the bed and he tried to scoot over to make some space but he winched so Remus told him to stay still, that he didn't need that.

"Fuck- I missed your birthday-" Sirius smiled at him and he watched as every one of them was tired, bags under their eyes, lack of sleep.

"You'll make up for it next year" Sirius grinned to him and he smiled back, he felt peaceful for the first time, he could almost fell asleep.

"Just sleep a little more James, you need it. You are still weak and wounded. We'll be here when you'll wake up" Lily said stroking his hair with a hand, Harry in her arms. "And then we have to talk about Harry" she muttered but he didn't quite understand. He seemed alright to him-

"What- what happened to Harry?" He woke up again, jerking up and they put him into his place, but nurse entered the room before they could respond him. She out something for the pain in the IV and he started to doze off again, watching his baby sleeping peacefully.

"Nothing James- Merlin- I'm sorry! He's okay! See?" And he nodded, he was okay. He was alive. Like them. Like Sirius and Remus. And Regulus?
How was Regulus?
Was he well?
Was he happy?

"We can do something- when- when I'll be discharged- nothing too much- just- just us" he whispered as his eyes closed. "Just to fell normal again- another year to live" he mumbled, and he felt a light hand on his cheeks.

"Anything for our prongs"

Chapter Text

Christmas 1977

"Tomorrow you'll take the mark. The Dark Lord was kind enough to let someone like you be marked at only sixteen. Maybe you'll really bring some honor and pride to our family at the end."

His body froze. He felt a shiver along his back. He couldn't believe at his mother words.
No. No he didn't want to.
No- he was not- he was not ready. He couldn't-

Not yet, not yet, not yet.

He was hyperventilating, his hands were trembling, it was too late? How could he escape? How could he run away? How could he ditch this? How could he oppose to that? It was no pride, it was no honor, just a path of violence and guilt.

How, how, how?

He didn't want that, he didn't want to be a Death Eater, he didn't want to kill innocents, he didn't want to take part to all of that, he was only sixteen, he just-
Please, please, please- just a little more time.
He needed only a little more time.

He was not stupid enough to believe that this moment would not come, with his brother out of the house he was certain that they would not let him escape too, they would have prevented it by any means.
A disgrace already fell on the house, they couldn't afford two.

But- he thought he had a little more time.
He thought he had until he was seventeen, like everyone else, why would he be special? Why the Dark lord was doing this to him? He didn't want it now, a year was a lot for someone who had his days counted down. A year was everything.

In a year he could see James and Lily leave school and without having to sustain their accusing looks, the disgusted gaze on his body as he walked on the school ground, as he stopped to take some food, as he stargazed on the Astronomy Tower.

Regulus thought he had more time- just a little more. A year, 365 days, he asked nothing else. Just to be of age. Just to be old enough.

He hadn't even said goodbye to them one last time.
He hadn't even told them how much he loved them one last time.
They just took their ways, wishing themself a happy Christmas despite knowing full well that it would be different for Regulus, that he would support their rage, their disgust, but nothing like this.
They didn't think he would get marked.
He didn't think his parents would get him marked.

And he already knew that after the mark everything would change.
After the mark- he would become what they most feared, what they most hated, what they most tried to prevent.

And he almost laughed, to think that a year and a half earlier he had blindly believed in the cause but now he was sweating at the mere thought of attending one of their meetings.

No, no, no-
Please don't.
Not yet.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He was just so stupid.
He hated feeling so weak, he resented himself for not having enough power to defeat them, to escape, to go away from that house.
And he hated Sirius.
Even though Regulus was the one who made him go away he hated that he actually did it. Why did he have to go through this alone?

And he hated the fact that even if Sirius forgot Regulus so easily, regulus on the other hand couldn't stop thinking about him. He couldn't stop thinking about the fact that if his brother was here he would find comfort in his arms once again.
Even after everything they said to each others.

Because he was weak, weak, weak.

He pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes. He couldn't cry. He couldn't panic. Blacks didn't panic. Blacks didn't. But again, that wasn't true. He was still a Black, was he not? He was the fucking heir, right? And he cried. Sometimes he panicked , too. Sometimes he felt too much and some other too less.

Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

"Regulus? What the hell are you thinking about? What are you doing?" His mother snapped him out of his mental break down and he saw that she was calling him from quite some time.
She didn't like when he was disrespectful.

"I don't want to take it. I'm not ready. I'm still in school. I'm only sixteen." he tried to say, they did have it so why should he?
He didn't want the mark.
But his mother eyes burst into flames and his father started laughing.

"You can't possible want anything Regulus. Because you are nothing. You'll take the mark and you'll take it gladly, say thank you My Lord at the end."

You’re nothing. Nothing. Nothing

Maybe they were right and he was not worthy of carrying the Black surname. Useless. Worthless. Replaceable. They were right, after all.
But he didn't want that.
He really didn't.
He just wanted to disappear.

"No I don't think I will" he whispered, trying to hide behind his thoughts. He was so scared and his heart was beating so furiously that he could die right there.
And maybe-
Maybe it was better-
Better than see the people he loved watched him with disgust.

"Excuse me, Regulus. What did I say about mumbling? I don't like when you do it and it's not proper for a Black heir, right Orion?"
His father smiled, and when he smiled it was something unsettling.
It meant trouble.
It meant a night of punishment and suffering.

"I. don't. think. I. will." He repeated before he could stop himself.
Had he gone mad?
Oh Merlin- they'll kill him, they'll kill him- but he wanted to try he wanted for the first time in his life give his opinion, he wanted his brother to be proud of him. He wanted to see Sirius's eyes and say, 'Hey big bro, I did it! I'm not the coward you think I am, I actually did it!'

"Oh- you are talking now?" His mother was making fun of him, watching his as if he was the dirtiest shit on the floor and not her son.
He didn't want to cry- he didn't- he didn't-
"What do we do in these circumstances Orion?"

"We'll make him understand that he has no choice. We'll make him beg for death- we'll make him regret every word. Because you'll. not. be. another. Disappointment."

And then he did what he was really good at. He spiraled.
Regulus went in to his own head.
He took out his own wand trying to fight, he never did something like that. Never. Never fight them. He couldn't to do like Sirius did. He always fought with them and they almost killed him for it, because they were right. Always.

But his mind was not working- the fear was overtaking him. His head was spinning around, his breath was taking him.
Sirius, Sirius where are you?
I'm scared

"What are you doing, Regulus!" his mother’s voice echoed through the walls. But she was not worried, she was almost laughing. He was just a joke to her. A clown. A thing to adjust at their will. A puppet.

“Leave me alone!” he yelled, feeling his thoughts crumble.
This is too much, too much, too much.
I don't want it! I don't want it! I don't want it!
"I don't want it!"

Regulus couldn’t breathe.

"Don’t talk to your mother like this!" The cold eyes of his father pierced his soul.
Fear crept into his veins, eating him alive. "You won’t bring shame to this family! You'll take the mark willingly!"

“Fuck you!”

"Crucio!" Regulus screamed. It was not his mother who pointed the want at him.
It was his father.
Never his father used an unforgivable on them, he preferred the physical pain, the punches, the kicks, the blood splattered on the floor.

Stop, make it stop.

“Make it stop!” he sobbed. “Please.”
He thought he could suffer more, he couldn't resist more but the pain was too much, too much, too much.

“You’re weak!” His father’s voice sounded distant, like part of a feverish dream. "We didn't raise weak children. This will be your every day life from today if you don't do what we want you to."

The took turns, he didn't know how much time they went on but he vomited near his body at a certain point, the pain becoming overwhelming.
The trembling was unstoppable, his mind couldn't think about other things if not pain. The slices on his body were spilling a lot of blood out of him, his parents usually chose between Crucio or the diffindo curse who cut him open and made him bleed. They liked to see him in pain, the floor covered by his blood.

Pain, pain, pain.

They experimented on his body, they took pleasure in taking him apart, in saying him bed for forgiveness, beg for their mercy, beg for- for everything to stop.
Beg to die.
But they listened and laughed it off because they had to teach him a lesson, he had to learn to never disappoint them.

And in a weak moment he even asked for his brother, for Sirius, to save him, to bring him out of that house, that he was sorry, to forgive him- and well- that really made them angry. They went even more ballistic.
Regulus couldn't speak about traitors.
Regulus shouldn't speak about traitors.

His mother ended the curse. “You’re a disappointment to this family!”
Regulus breathed, rolled himself into a ball, shivering. If he didn’t move, maybe they would leave him alone, maybe the pain would pass, maybe he could breathe again.
“We thought you were different,” his mother continued. “But you are actually worse than your brother, he wasn't a coward like you.” Orion kicked him and he felt a loud crack somewhere, he couldn't distinguish anymore the various part of his body, it was only a ball of pain.

“Crucio!”
Regulus’ screams broke through the walls around him. His body was torn apart, his mind shattered into pieces. Pain crushing him again and again and again.

Regulus screamed, his voice hoarse. “Make it stop. Please father. Stop. I'll be good. I'll be good, I'll take the mark tomorrow. I'll do anything, I swear, I swear!”

“You’re no son of mine!” His father put more weight on his chest, this time there was blood running down his mouth, his nose, everywhere

Regulus tried to breathe, but there was no air..
The pain got worse, burning through his nerves, darkness filling up his soul, shattering, breaking, destroying, tearing him apart.
He dissolved into little tiny pieces.
How would he ever put himself together again?

How he will be the same again?
After all this how?
He wasn't left with an ounce of humanity in him.
He really was a nothing.

That night he lost every ounce of innocence that was in his body.

"Get your blood off the floor. For tomorrow I want it all to shine. And Kreacher, if you help him, I will know." Mother never liked mess so obviously he had to wash everything off.

They finished.
They just ruined a person but they didn't care.
They just ruined their son's life but they just didn't care.
They went to sleep sweet dream while their son was vomiting and trembling and dying under their roof, in the living room.

But well- he understood something- tomorrow he would take the mark.
He would be their little prince.
He would be perfect.
He just- just- asked to stop the pain, he couldn't bear anything else-

"Master Regulus- you need to wash the blood- Kreacher can't help you- but- you need-" He always loved Kreacher, he was the only one who would remain after tomorrow.

He drifted in and out of consciousness while Kreacher talked about something.
The elf kept talking even when he saw that Regulus wasn't responding back, even when he saw the state he was in, Regulus didn't really understand him, but he didn't care anymore. This was better than-

Blackness was taking him.
He felt at peace for the first time.
He was almost happy.

"Master Regulus! Master Regulus! Please wake up! Kreacher doesn't know what to do. Master Regulus is bad, really bad."

He tried to speak, to say that his body couldn't take anything anymore, that his body wasn't responding to him, and maybe he was really dying- he didn't know for sure but he was trembling too much and he really thought that his parents damaged his nerves, too many unforgivable.

"Master Regulus is no good- Master Regulus needs a healer- please order Kreacher to get a healer, please Master Regulus"

Regulus tried to tell him that he couldn't- he tried to tell Kreacher that it would put him in danger that he didn't want him to die but some blood splattered from his mouth.

"Master Regulus can Kreacher get a healer?"
No. No you can't-
They'll know.
They always know.
And the healer will talk.

"Where did the blood traitor went?" Kreacher asked to himself, not really speaking to Regulus anymore. But he blob out a sob thinking about Sirius.
And then he thought about James.
James, James, James.

"No, Kreacher doesn't care. Kreacher will not go to the blood traitor house, with his blood traitors parents. Kreacher will do in his own way."
With a loud plop Kreacher got away and Regulus wasn't even able to ask him what he meant, to thank him, to say goodbye before he drifted into black.

His heart stopped for some seconds.

It was peaceful.
So peaceful.

"Oh- oh Merlin- Don't-" someone was crying.
Regulus felt like his soul was fluctuating out of him.
This must be death.
No one in his house cried for him since his brother got away, so it was the only conclusion he could get.

"Don't die please, please, please - what- did they do Kreatcher? I need to know to heal him." A hand was touching him and it was gentle- why gentle?

"Kreacher doesn't know. Kreacher came here after. But Kreacher thinks that Master Regulus didn't want the take the mark" he heard a hiss and a curse and he didn't understand who was talking.

"Regulus please, come back to us- please, please, please-"
Regulus felt a shock on his body and he had a spasm, his eyes opened and his heart started to beat again, there was a figure above him but it was too dark and he was too weak to see clearly.

"Kreac' wat'did yu'd?" He slurred those words, they didn't meant anything in his hears, his voice was estranged, but Kreatcher must have understood him because he answered at his question.

"Kreacher did what Kreacher had to do" not an ounce of regrets in his elf's words.

"They'll kill you. They'll kill me." he whispered, his breathing came more easily, he could finally inhale, his lungs were free. He sobbed a bit for the stress of the evening replacing the sudden calm that he felt. Someone healed him.

"Oh sweetheart shhh- you are safe now- sleep some more- poor soul- so young-" he felt a hand caressing his hair and he whimpered in pain and in shock. How much since someone did this to him? Since someone took care of his injuries?

"We gotta try to get him out(...)- I'll ask (...). He can't be(...) watch him! (...)He died for(...)" the foreign voice who was crying was talking to someone else and he finally understood that there were two figures above him, but he couldn't comprehend them.

It was too tiring to put the words together.
Maybe his parent really damaged his brain.

He tried to watch again, who had Kreatcher called? But he drifted in to blackness too soon so- guess he'll never know.

Regulus woke up on the floor, there was still some blood on it and around his head, but it was now dry, so he wasn't actively bleeding.
But above all - he was breathing and he was still alive.
And he was also in better condition than the night before.
The tremors were still there and they were a lot, his head hurt like hell and he couldn't move comfortably, but there didn't seem to be any obvious fractures either, unlike what he had thought the night before.

Maybe they hadn't been as cruel as he thought.

With his wand he managed to remove the last traces of blood before his mother woke up and then he went to prepare himself.
To make himself pretty and adequate.
The little doll they wanted.

Because today it was the big day.
Today he would take the mark.
And he wasn't going to complain.

Yesterday night served him right- he thought to be stronger that he actually was- he thought to be more powerful but at the end of the day his parents were- a lot. Yesterday night un understood how weak he still was and how mush he had to improve to get out from that house.
He was not kidding anymore.
They had to watch their backs because he will come one day and he will kill all of them.

But right now he couldn't disappoint them.
Not again.

He couldn't suffer like yesterday.
Not again.

Instead he would take the mark with a big grin on his mouth.
And so he did.

He didn't shivered when the dark magic entered in his veins.
He didn't complain when Voldemort made him suffer more than the others because he had to prove himself.
He didn't faltered when Voldemort asked him if he was under any Imperio curse when he didn't show any grimace.

But Regulus was the heir of the black House.
So it was obvious that he was really into the cause.

Regulus took all that with a smile on his face.
Because it didn't matter anymore.
He was none other than an empty shell.

-----------------

Regulus snapped out from those memories, trying to clam his thrumming heart and his hands that were trembling. He put his tie more tightly around his neck, as if to want to suffocate himself, as if to bring physical pain to himself- in that way the memories would not take over him again.
Better than that

"Are you ready?" Barty asked while Regulus was preparing to go out.

"Are you sure?" This one was Evan.

Two different questions but hiding a world behind.
Regulus rolled his eyes at the request of his two best friends.
"What are you worried about?" He fake-smiled at them trying to get comfort in his own words.

"I don't know - the last time you told us that everything was going to be fine you were almost killed and you are still recovering, so sorry for not believing you right away. But this time listen to me, I'm not going to pick you up full of blood again. I'm gonna sit here today and not give a shit about anything."

Regulus sighed, by now he had known Barty long enough to understand what he really meant.

He wasn't going to pick him up because he wasn't going to get hurt.
He wasn't going to pick him up because he had to assure him that he would be safe.
Behind that character of mistrust and bluster, Barty was really concerned for him and his safety, and this was just his way of showing it.

"I'm just going to visit my parents, a dear visit after months of not setting foot in that house, nothing bad will happen," Regulus shrugged, already anticipating the moment.

He didn't really know that for certain, his parent were mad so- yeah- it was like playing at "The Russian Roulette" with muggle weapons. Once Regulus was reading this book of poetry about soldiers in the muggle Great War and he asked Lily about their weapons and how their worked and that saying really stuck with him since then.
How odd they were, they always found weird ways to test their life like they were immortals.

Barty snorted.
"Dear visit in hell, hope you kill them in their sleep" he mumbled seriously and Regulus smiled. Seeing that if he really did something like that- like killing his parents- his best friend would not be horrified by him, made his heart clench in a way now foreign to him.
Not that he was thinking of doing so.
Or well- maybe a little.

"The only thing they deserve" Regulus hummed to himself, a weird anxiety was taking over him, he didn't want it, he didn't want to be scared of them again, he didn't want to be that helpless child anymore, but- well- his instinct were getting at him.

Had he not visited his parents since he had turned eighteen and left Hogwarts?
Of course.
Was that because he was scared of facing them?
Sure. They were sick, and after his brother's escape they had gone crazy, so better for him to leave.

But now he was ready to return in a big way, he had trained, he had matured and he would face at least two of the many demons in his life.
And today he would win.
He had to.
If he wanted to finish this fucking war he had to.
He had to become what they had trained him for.
The mighty and powerful Lord Black.

He smiled, his white teeth appearing on the mirror, he licked his lips, he was going for blood, so he hoped he would get some.
They trained a wolf, so they should at least expect to be eaten.

"I know you are thinking about something Regulus. Barty will not say this on his mother grave, but please- just be safe, okay? We need you to- to continue the search about those things okay?" Evan was the best one of them.

He really didn't deserve all that hate that his family gave to him.
He and his twin Pandora were the last of five brothers and well- they were pretty violent. With them there was the rule of the woods.
The strongest won everything.
And- and let's just say that Evan and Pandora had a heart too big for that family and it didn't go very well for them.

Pandora didn't deserve even them and the pain they caused her.

He shut down that voice. That fucking voice who was constantly reminding him of his mistakes, of James, Lily, Pandora, Dorcas. Everyone.

But he didn't have time.
Not for regret.
He regretted nothing.

"Don't worry guys, I'm only going to do what I had time ago. This day had to come and now it's the best. With Voldemort out we need to have access everywhere."

"Oh fuck- are you going to kill him and become Lord Black, right?" Barty opened his eyes wide, getting up from the couch and the he smiled widely. regulus smiled at him, always so witty and smart. "Fucking brilliant" Barty laughed to himself "Next one is my father- let's start this trail of patricide." There was a glint of excitement in Barty's eyes- something that he got a very few times, when he found something appealing and not extremely boring.

"Good riddance for you Reg. If you need help just send us-" and then Evan stopped himself. He wasn't able to send a patronus.
He wasn't able since all his memories were tainted.

Half of his good memories of his childhood disappeared when Sirius got away and the other half when he left Lily and James.
It was too painful.
The love he felt for them was- was ruined by the harsh word they shared at the end.
The happiness he felt when he was with them- well- it was now disappeared.
He had started to think that there had to be a hole instead of his heart.

"I'll be good. I'm better now and stronger than them." Regulus had a lot of exercise, even with dark magic and non-verbal spells so- well- he was not the scared child he was three years ago. "Don't worry" he said looking ahead of himself.
He had decided. He was good. He could do it.

He didn't believe in regrets.

"We'll be here when you'll return- if- if you need some comfort" Evan whispered hugging him. Regulus' arms remained stood along his body but Evan didn't care. "It'll be okay if you will need some. He was your father nonetheless of what he did"

And- he scoffed.
Because that man- didn't deserve an ounce of compassion.
Didn't deserve an ounce of sadness.
He smiled knowing well that the only thing he would feel for his father's death was relief.

"I'll be good, but thanks Evan"

---------------

"Oh it's you"
After months of not seeing your own son those were the first words his mother spoke to him. Regulus rolled his eyes. He didn't miss that.

"Sorry to disappoint, I can go and return the next year" he said bored not caring at all about their annoying look. Even though he said that he entered his own house not waiting for a real answer.
He was there now.
So fuck them and let's do that.

"You are already here, so drink a cup of tea with us"

"Regulus you have nothing better to do than be here? The Lord didn't give you to do at all?" And well- he really fought the urge he had of rolling his eyes again because who did his father think he was?
Did the Lord ever called him?
No.
Did the Lord trusted him?
No.
Regulus, he himself, was the only reason of their current success.
So- just shut the fuck up.

"Funny to hear that from you" and Orion froze but he just fake-smiled at him and went in the kitchen to prepare some tea.

"This is not acceptable for a Black. You can't do your own tea, let the creature do something for once" and his mother called Kreacher.
He squeezed the kettle in his hands angrily. His mother would not talk like that about Kreatcher. But then he had to calm down, taking a deep breath.
Think of the future Regulus. Think ahead.

I hate them, I hate them, I hate them
But again, for hating someone it meant that one actually cared for them and he didn't. So he didn't know how to call this emotions he was feeling right now, nothingness maybe.

"Take a seat Regulus, tell us about your missions. Are you satisfying our Lord?"

"Did The Dark Lord give you any? I heard the Crouch son is one of his most favorite candidate. The one who took more owls than you."

Regulus frowned at the memory.
When they heard from a reliable source that Regulus failed one of his owls and that the Crouch son succeeded in all of them, they beat him to a pulp.
Regulus was such a disappointment. As always. It didn't metter that he took the other eleventh perfectly, they always saw the only one who didn't do perfectly.

But today he wasn't here to do something pretty talk with them.
Today he had a mission.
"It's going flawless, and you are asking me as if Bella isn't snitching you all sort of information."

Kreacher came with the cup of tea and he quickly put some poison in his father tea, handiwork. Kreacher watched him with the corner of his eyes and Regulus winked at him.

"You must be more submissive. She said the Lord is not happy with your stubbornness. Just play along and be what he asks you to be." Orion grip his cup and he was scared he would actually broke the cup sending his plan to utterly shit.

"You know? I don't understood why we are loyal to another man. Blacks don't take orders from anyone. You said that a lot during my life. I'm just following your teachings, are you not happy?" He sipped his cup of tea, smiling slightly when he watched his father doing the same.

"It's about the power Regulus, even after all this years you still don't know anything."

"I know enough to not be under him like a little pawn. To not call him My Lord anymore. I'm on my own now, and I will take orders from nobody."

"Regulus" his mother stopped drinking, getting up from her seat and walking towards him slowly. "You can't say things like this, not in this house, not under our supervision."

"Fortunately I won't be under your supervision for long" he finally smiled widely, putting his cup down and walking in circle around them.

"Regulus, what-" but he moved his hand and with a non-verbal spell he mouthed his mother. Thanks Merlin- a little quiet- he needed to talk and with her it was impossible.

He turned to watch them he wanted to see them crumbling in fear underneath him, he wanted them to sperimenta what he did that night, he wanted them to watch him scared, afraid, in pain.
He wanted them to bleed.
He wanted blood.

"Now- now- now" he said clicking his tongue on his palate. "Don't make those faces, you are pitiful. And Blacks can't be pitiful, right?"

"Regulus" his father got up but he struggled to stay right.
He wanted to make him bleed a bit but he chose for poison.
It was hard to find some traces of it and he chose something that could bland with his father's heart problems.

So no one would suspect anything. A disgrace happened on the House of Black, Regulus lost his father so young, but he was sick so- it happens.

So he couldn't beat him to a pulp and actually hide the fact, not like he could do with poison. His cousins would surely suspect something and since his cover was still sound and intact- well- he didn't want Orion to be the person that fucked it all up.

His father had already done enough damage, hadn't he?

"Regulus- what did you do?" Orion stumbled again and it was really satisfying.

"Listen to me you coward piece of shit who takes out on your scared and underaged son" he took Orion's head and he smashed it on the wall with enough strength to make him bleed but not enough to make him faint.
In the last moment of his live Orion had to be conscious and aware of who killed him.
Aware of his power.
Scared of him.

And yes- he liked what he found.
He liked that expression- it was absolutely delightful.

"You made me like this. You should have expected it. Everyone in your position would have expected this from the son you abused for years, but not you. You were too sure about your little spineless Regulus, about his nothingness, about his weak side, so you didn't do nothing. You expected nothing from me, only submission. But I must thank you because here we are, now. Me above you."

"Regulus- you didn't" Orion breathed heavy against his skin "ever do anything for me to understand-" and Regulus laughed and laughed again. But it seemed something more horrendous. "I didn't know- why-"

"Why should I have told you? So I could receive some more torture? You are naive and stupid and for this you'll be killed in your own house by your son. How fitting, right?"

This time Orion laughed. "You are so strong that you used poison to kill me, you didn't even fight me with your wand."

"Oh- well- I see your accusation. But you must understand that I am more aware of you of how these things works. If you want to attract attention beat your own father to a pulp and people will come here by the dozen. I don't need that. I have work to do, Voldemort to defeat."

"If you think you can really beat him, you are stupider than me"

"Oh I already did, dear father. Right now he's lying unconscious in Bella's house. It was quite the vision if you ask me" and this time he really saw the terror in his eyes. Orion paled visibly and he laughed again, showing his teeth.

"You are mad, you can't be serious" he stuttered while blood started to coming out from his mouth. The poison did his job. Good.

"You made me like this" he whispered "and Sirius was my brother, the same guy that you almost killed some years ago, and I'm here even for his revenge. I'm only sorry he couldn't see you like this, so scared."

"You-" Orion widened his eyes, this was the last thing he said before Regulus left him and Orion dropped dead on the floor of their kitchen, thinking about Sirius in his latest moment. Won-der-ful.

Regulus unmuted his mother, he had to talk to his father without his shrilling voice in his ears. The final act of his play was starting.

"What- what did you-" his mother watched him whit wide eyes and the his father who was on the floor. "What did you do, you disgrace, you monster! You think you are better than us?" She laughed hysterically and what a vision, she was going out of her mind.

"Oh drop the formalities, you always hated him" he returned to his place, sipping the bit of tea who remained in the cup, watching his mother with knowing eyes. What to do with her? She couldn't surely kill her, both of his parents death in one day?
Suspicious.

"I'm going to make you pay for this" she took out her wand but he quickly flip that away with a move of his hand, quite bored.
She wasn't the powerful witch she thought to be.

"Carefully there, I'm the Lord now. Don't want to ruin the holiness of the family, right? I'm the head, so show some respect."

"You? Lord? I should have killed you the moment I discovered I was pregnant" she spat at his feet and he smiled unbothered.

"Ow- pity you didn't do that, you would have spared a lot of my and your time." he fake pouted to his mother.

"Kreacher!" She called and he came. "Kill him- I order you! Kill him"
And Regulus laughed.
He was the Lord Black.
She was a nothing.
Nothing, he spell the word with his lips, he liked that. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

"You are not the head of the house. Lord Regulus is, so Kreacher can't do that."

"Exactly Kreacher, thank you Kreacher." He started tipping his fingers on the table "You have now to help me decide what to do with her" and he saw the horror in his mother eyes.
He thought he would be more satisfied but in reality he felt only empty.
Pity- his younger self would have loved that.

"Yes Lord Regulus, I'm at your orders Lord Regulus."

"I can't kill her now, you know? I mean- two deaths in one day? That's not quite right. Even though I would like to. But I could easily say that you went mad. My father's death brought to you really sadness and you couldn't endure his loss, right Maman? I'll not even be faking that, you are mad from quite some time but no one even mentioned it. Who brought disrespect on our family? Me or you?"

"Go to hell and burn in there!" She tried one lat time to get to him, to scratch his face and then kill him with a butter knife ? fuck- he aspected a little more from his mother, form the woman who tainted his sleep with nightmares. "Die! You have to die! You disgrace! You are a disappointment!"

"Oh, I will go to hell, but not before of you." He smiled again, shutting her out completely, his mother now lying near his father.
He watched dover them bored, looking at their library to see if he found something.
Boring- annoying-

"Kreacher can you carry her in the attic? And keep her locked and barely alive for when I'll decide what to do with her? I don't want to know anything. Only if she die" Kreacher bowed his head and did what he told him to.

"Now, now, now, what to do? We have to organize a funeral dear mother of mine, I'm sorry you'll not be able to attend it, but don't worry I'll take care of everything." He smiled one last time before disappearing, his next destination already figured out.

Chapter Text

February 1978,

There had been three moments in Regulus' life who made him wonder about the real greatness behind the Dark Lord. About his words, his need of power, his will in changing the world, in making a better one.

And these three moments made him understand that he had been a stupid for half his life, believing in people who didn't have an ounce of humanity in them. Trusting the people who mistreated him for all his life.

And he felt so stupid.
So childish.
So-

But well- let's start from the beginning.

The first thing that had made Regulus wonder about his current situation were two of the most important person in his life, James Potter and Lily Evans.
They had planted the seed of the doubt in his mind and it was finally growing. They had made him seen something that- well- before he didn't think about. It was quite embarrassing, how he proclaimed to be a curious person, how he proclaimed to be intelligent and smart and yet he needed their help to see through all those lies.
But Regulus had been born with those lies, his parents had been feeding him with racism and blood supremacist at lunch and dinner, for too many years and he- he fell for that.

The second one, was about Kreacher's wellbeing and the fact that he couldn't do nothing to protect his domestic elf. He couldn't understand the mistreatment about the other creatures, elf were useful, nice and obligated to follow their master, so why they had to treat them badly?
Why do they have to take advantage of the power they have been given?
The only thing that Regulus ever asked to Kreacher against his will - or well, Regulus perceived like that, because it was an order- was to return to him, always.
Regulus would do anything to protect or heal him after all the night Kreacher passed watching him when he was injured and Kreacher accepted.

But the third- the third moment was the one that changed all his life in a nick of time.
The third was the one that brought him out of the shell of nothingness and made him start planning revenge.
Because they had to be stopped.
Because they- they Death Eaters didn't believe in anything they told him.

The third was uncle Alphard's death.

It had been one of his first mission after he got the mark, he got the permission of going out from Hogwarts because The Dark Lord wanted him to participate, wanted him to witness what would be his life from now on.
And thinking again about that day Voldemort had it all wrong.

He still remembered Voldemort's slimy voice, Nagini hissing through his legs while her Master explained to him why they were doing that.

"We are doing this, my dear Regulus" Voldemort caressed his cheek with his long and cold fingers. "Because for things to change we must change first. Nothing will ever change if we don't take action. Personally I have nothing against the lower borns, the one who are born without magic, but I must make them understand why we have it and why they don't. They are lesser beings, and we need to put them in their right place. Just this Regulus. This and nothing more. When I'll take power, I'll stop. And you'll be with me."

And- well he should have seen his smile, he should have seen the way his eyes didn't really met his, he should have been more attentive, more intelligent. The Dark Lord didn't meant any of that he wanted to have paws, he wanted the be the one and only leader, he wanted to kill everyone and everything he met on his way.

But he was so scared, the Dark Lord was talking to him alone, touching his hair, his body, his cheeks, his lips and he didn't- he didn't want to be there, but at the same time he didn't want to disappoint him, he didn't want his parent to punish him. And for the first time he thought that they would be happy about him, they would- they would- maybe- just- love him? Just a little bit? Because he did well?

Behave, behave, behave

"So, Regulus, will you help me? Will you be one of the best soldiers I could ask for?" And he just nodded, his voice, gone, his pupils dilated, his throat hoarse.
Talk, please talk, Regulus

"Of course My Lord, I'll be your best soldier, My Lord" he finally was able to say.
His posture stiff, his hands clasped together at his back, his knock almost white.

"Good, I'll keep updated about your doing. You and me, will do great things"

He was disruptive, they were far from his native places and he didn't really know where, Lucius brought him there and he didn't explain him a lot.
He just had to obey, follow the lead, and kill some mudblood.

Easy enough -he thought- It just would have been his first time killing somebody- nothing to worry about-, just taking a life from someone, stopping them from living their life, taking them from their loved ones.

Kill somebody at sixteen years old was not on his wishlist.

But he was there, Voldemort was tracking him down, spies floated that place, checking on everyone and he was scared, scared, scared.

But he couldn't say that to no one.
He just wanted to crawl in Pandora's hug and never leave her again.
He just wanted to be with Barty and laugh at his jokes.
He just wanted to be with Evan and listen to him bragging about his crush.
He just wanted to be with Dorcas and talk about gossip.
He just wanted James and Lily but- well- it was too late for that-

And it didn't matter anyway.

He was there and he had to follow orders.

As the ominous clouds rolled in, casting a dark shadow over the quaint village, a lone figure emerged from the mist. Clad in flowing black robes adorned with the unmistakable mark of the Death Eaters, the wizard's eyes gleamed with malevolence as he raised his wand, ready to unleash chaos upon the unsuspecting inhabitants.
He couldn't see the person well, he was too far and he had a hood on his head, but as the mark showed on the sky he trembled a bit, his breath stopping.

You shouldn't be scared, this is what you choose.
But, did he?
He didn't want that. He had been coerced.

But from the depths of the village, another figure emerged, he was a wizard, must be, because he was not shocked, he was not scared, he was not screaming like the other person near him.

With a flick of his wand, the Death Eater sent a barrage of dark curses hurtling toward the village, intent on spreading fear and destruction.
And it started.
Like that.
The Death Eater who was alone before, now was accompanied by his companion.
He should be there, with them.
He should followed them.

Follow the lead Lucius had said.

The battle raged on, the air thick with the clash of magic and the cries of the innocent. The Death Eaters fought with ruthless determination, their dark powers fueled by cruelty. He didn't understand. And the scream around him didn't make his situation any better. He was going crazy, he was exploding, his head was out of him, hiss eyes were shiny, tears were formed at the end of his eyes but they didn't flow. They were frozen as his body, as his mind.
What- what was this? Everything was so wrong.
This was- this was bad. The could only thing he could think of was bad, bad, bad.

Scream, pain, death and laugh arose, and the laugh were the thing that unsettled him the most.
How could some laugh?
How, how, how?
Did they were witnessing the same things?
Did they were seeing people get killed?
Their eyes open wide, in the death embrace?

And Regulus already knew that he failed his test.
He didn't kill anyone. He couldn't bring himself to do that.
He was just there, watching, his eyes widened, he couldn't bring himself to move his wand, he couldn't kill, he couldn't, he couldn't-

Please, please, please Merlin, save me.

But then he saw the wizard who stood up against the Death Eaters.
He got near enough to see his face. To see his features. To see his blue icy eyes.
The eyes of a Black.

It was Alphard.

It wasn't a common wizard.

But he was a Black.

So why they were fighting against him?
Why the Death Eaters were attacking him?
He didn't understand, he was- Alphard was- one of the most noble pureblood in the wizarding world, so why they were trying to kill him?
Why his uncle was fighting them?
What was happening?
They shouldn't- they- they were- the same side- the world that they wanted to create- they- why? What?

Who was worth of saving if even the Blacks were at fault?
What Voldemort was really trying to achieve?
He didn't want a better society he just wanted to destroy everything and took over.
He gagged, the bile in his mouth.

Regulus stood frozen, his heart pounding in his chest as he watched the chaos unfold before him. Smoke billowed into the sky, mingling with the screams of terrified civilians.

But then everything happened, too quickly, too wrong, too bad.
They casted a killing curse.
A lot of them against one.
Cowards

But his uncle didn't dodge.
He hadn't been able to.

So his uncle died.
In. Front. Of. His. Fucking. Eyes.

Alphard took his last breath.
In. Front. Of. His. Fucking. Eyes.

He witnessed the death of his uncle.
In. Front. Of. His. Fucking. Eyes.

The one who told him fairytales at night, the one who protected him and his brother during the holidays, the only one in the Black family who really loved them, died in front of his eyes.
And he did absolutely nothing to prevent that.
He stood there, frozen, weak, motionless while his uncle was brutally killed.

And well- he already knew that that image would soon become one of his worst nightmares.

His uncle, Alphard, lay lifeless on the ground, surrounded by the destruction wrought by the Death Eaters. Tears welled up in Regulus' eyes as he clenched his fists, his whole body shaking with rage and grief, for the first time he felt something.
Because it made no sense.
Why did they have to kill him?
He was one of them?
He was one of the most important wizard.
He was- he was- he was his uncle.

He tried to scream, but his lungs were asking for more, more, more, he tried to go there, to feel his heartbeat, his pulse, anything that could tell Regulus that it was only a cruel joke, that his uncle wasn't really dead. It must have been a test. Because they were there to test him.
It must have been.
His uncle was still alive.
He must have been.

But Alphard didn't move, the war, the scream, the fight around theme continued and neither he nor Alphard moved an inch. He knelt near his body but he didn't touch him, he couldn't bring himself to, he couldn't- he didn't deserve that. He was dead and it was his fault.

And for the first time he saw.
He saw the real meaning behind Voldemort kind words.
He saw the world he wanted to achieve.
A reign of terror, with himself as a king.

Every fiber of his being screamed for revenge, but he knew he was no match for the dark forces that now ravaged his homeland, not now, not yet, but soon.
All he could do now was bow his head in sorrow, his heart heavy with the weight of loss and helplessness.

But from that moment on, Regulus vowed to do whatever it took to bring an end to the tyranny that had claimed so much that he held dear.
From that moment he swore on the lifeless body on the ground that he would change everything.
That he would become strong enough to defeat Voldemort and to save the last people he had got.
He didn't want to see anyone else die in front of his eyes while he did nothing.

"Regulus, run! They are coming" Lucius called for him, Aurors were arriving and he couldn't do anything than leave his uncle body there, watching his blue eyes for the last time. "The Dark Lord will not be pleased by this." And right now, The Dark Lord could go and fuck himself.

I'm so sorry

----------------------

He popped out at his cousin house, Dobby welcomed him like always and he nodded at him. "Does Dobby have to call for Mastel Lucius?"

"No Dobby, I'll go there myself, thank you." He took a little time to breathe and then he walked past the elf who disappeared in the kitchen, preparing the usual tea he took when he went in Malfoy Manor.

"Good evening, Narcissa. Good evening Lucius." he entered the room and he immediately saw Narcissa with Draco in her arms and Lucius coddling with them. He didn't like Lucius a lot, but he was better than Orion or Rabastan, so it was an achievement. And he seemed pretty good with Draco or his cousin.

"Good evening cousin, I didn't expect you today" Regulus crouched near the baby who was getting bigger and bigger with time and gave him a little peck on the nose.

"Did you need something Regulus?" Lucius smiled at him and he nodded, taking a deep breath as he left Draco in his mother's embrace.

"Well-" he went near the fireplace and sat on the couch, crossing his legs together. "Father is dead so I'm the Lord now" he said and he watched as shock took place on their faces. Lucius raised an eyebrow, thinking more functionally than his cousin about the changes that this environment would give him.

"Oh Regulus, I'm sorry-"

"Don't be Narcissa- I'm good and Orion was sick from quite some time, you know? It was only a matter of weeks." He explained lying, moving his arms around and when Dobby came and offered him a cup of tea he didn't say no.

"Still he was your father" she looked at him with her blue eyes and he licked his lips, unhappy, testing him in some ways. So? What did that mean?

"I need your help for the funeral, I have too little time and I'm too busy to organize it." he said getting to the point, he didn't have time to chitchat, and surely not about his father who had just killed.

"And your mother? Should I pay her a visit?" and at that he froze. Fuck- he didn't really thought about that. He didn't thought about Narcissa visiting his mother and well- he didn't need that.

"She reacted- bad to his death. I don't want you to see her like that- she was always so adamant about perfection that she doesn't want anyone to see her at the bottom. She went mad Narcissa, and Kreacher is taking plenty care of her. So don't worry."

"She- did she do- something- to you?" He shrugged his shoulders, nodding a bit.
Regulus was letting her thinking that so she would not put foot in his house.
Sorry Narcissa

Narcissa had the same adversity with torture and punishment as him, because she went through that a lot in her lifetime so- the only mention about it made her blood cold. And with Draco in her arms who slept peacefully she didn't want anything like that ever again.

Narcissa bought a hand on her mouth, her blue eyes watching Draco in her arms, caressing his head. She was such a good mother.

"Can I talk a bit with my cousin Lucius? I need to talk to her in confidence. And then can I come in your study to- uhm- ask something? I am the Lord now so I need to know more and I need all the access I can obtain. You surely can understand that, right Lucius? Will you help me?" Lucius smiled at him and got up. He loved attention and he loved being seen as witty and useful. He wanted to be seen as more powerful than what he really was, and that was okay- Regulus knew how to flatter him very well, so he shouldn't find any real problem.

"Sure Lord Black, I'll prepare a drink to toast to that." He grinned and went up, Narcissa rolled her eyes.

"Sorry, he has no manners."

"I don't really care."

"You really don't care about your father's death right?"

"No. No I don't. I hoped he suffered a bit more. He was awful to me and Sirius for all my life" he said almost angrily.
It was so weird he didn't feel an ounce of sorrow in him?
Was he really a monster?
But he was doing all that for something better, he wanted to finish this war. He didn't care if he died in doing so. He was just tired and numb.

"You have been changing, Regulus" Narcissa whispered to him, getting up and hugging him. He took Draco in his arms, watching the baby and he almost smiled. He was so in love with him.
Like he was already in love with Harry.

"For things to change I must change first" he shrugged his shoulders remembering the words that Voldemort spoke to him and he shivered a bit, but then he rolled his eyes recomposing himself, and opted for cuddling Draco.

"For things to- change? What do you mean with that Regulus?"

"It's better if you don't know and don't ask what you don't want to know. It's safer this way."

"I'll not lie to you and say that I'm not scared about your wellbeing. What are you trying to get Regulus? Is it dangerous?"

"Don't you want to finish this fucking war? Well- I want that and I don't care what path will win. I'm doing my own job and I'm hoping it'll be enough to get through the end"

"Are you considering treason?" She spoke calmly.
She really didn't care about the cause either.
With Draco in her arms she only cared about him and about saving him.
And he would take this to have her in his path.

"Possibly."
She hummed and he continued.
"Are you not scared for Draco? Narcissa he, Voldemort, wanted to kill the Potters' child. A child even smaller than your son. A child. What do you think he would do when he will wake up and he will not be happy about Lucius' work? He will came for your son because he's like that, he resolve his problem taking out the weakness. Are you willing to sacrifice your son?"

"He- I-" his cousin closed her eyes and then she asked him something he didn't expect her to. "Did- did you save the child? Harry, I think he's called. It was you?"

He didn't meet her gaze but he nodded. "Yes- yes, I did that. He's safe and alive. And I'll not apologize for the outcome."

"You did good. I almost thought I had lost you but you are still there. I'm glad to see that" Narcissa hugged him tightly and he posed his head on her shoulder. "Cry if you have to, or laugh-" Regulus shook his head, finding comfort in just staying still on her shoulder, in her embrace, the baby in his arms sleeping peacefully.

And then he thought of James.
How would it be to be so near to James, to feel his warmth, to feel his breath, to see his stupid glasses, his beautiful smile, his laugh.
And fuck- fuck- fuck- he was really going to cry.

Because he missed that. He missed the intimacy, he missed the talk in the astronomy tower, the muggle song James made him listen to.
He was tired of being so away from him, he knew that James right now didn't want even to see him, that after their last speech James would prefer him dead than alive.
But he didn't care. He would die for him nonetheless.
Because James gave him so much love that he still had to make up for that.

"I just miss him some days more than others" he whispered in his cousin neck and that was the most revealing thing he said in the last months.

"Potter?" She whispered back, trying to don't ruin the moment and he snorted in disbelief.

"How- how did- no! What-"

"Reggie-" she said caressing his hair like he was his child. "You forget sometimes that I knew you- I started the sixth year when you were on your first and- well I already knew. I was watching from afar, you were so timid that I was scared Sirius's friend would scare you away, so big and excited, like dogs. But when James Potter came to you-" she chuckled and he didn't remember what she was going to say.

He remember thinking that James was like- the most beautiful and particular boy he had avere seen- with his smile - James actually smiled at him, for real not like his parents!- but it was everything so confusing the he didn't remember much.

"You lit up Reggie, you were hiding behind Sirius' legs and for him you went out and started smiling so fondly that- well- it was obvious. You liked him since the first time you saw him- you just weren't used to it. You weren't use to love, and more importantly to love a boy. You needed so much more time, but I see you did it at the end" and he blushed hardly. He was- well- he didn't think today he would talk about his old/still crush in front of her cousin.

"And yet I was able to ruin everything" he mumbled to himself and she watched him fondly, a warmth he didn't deserve. He was a monster, he had killed people, even his own father, he wasn't- she couldn't- he didn't deserve love. Or Narcissa.

"You- you were unlucky Regulus. Every one of us but Sirius and Andy were unlucky. They got away but you didn't. You couldn't. Not after Sirius. So you did what you had to do in- this environment. You were a child. You are still a child. And now a Lord. But I remember how wrecked you were, how much your parents were hard on you, I was almost scared- they would kill you. But you did it. I'm not saying you are perfect but no body is-" he wanted to argue that James Potter was perfect but he closed his mouth. He couldn't be sappy about James, not now. Not when he was living his life with Lily and their son.

"You are talking to me like I'm your son"

"Well- you are a bit." She smiled at him. "I took care of you after Sirius left so- well- you must recognize me as your big sis thank you." Regulus chuckled.
And then "I'm glad too that Orion is dead. He was really awful to you. He never recognized you and you don't deserve that." He looked into her eyes and gave her a quickly nod, he understood what she was trying to say so there was no need for replying, but he was glad Narcissa had not been fooled by his parents in thinking that without his brother they would have been more lenient.

"Alright Cissa. I'll go to Lucius now. Had big duty and big things to carry on." He gave Draco to Narcissa and he became his old self again.
He was a Lord now.
He had to defeat Voldemort.
So- no more weakness. No more cry.

"I'll think about it, cousin. About what you asked me" and he understood.
Narcissa would have come to him when needed.
And he would have protected Draco on his own life.
"And let me do the funeral. You'll be enough occupied. I'll organize it at the Malloy Manor, so you don't have to open up Grimmauld Place." Regulus nodded thankful, and then he disappeared on the staircase.

Regulus entered the room, it was quite dark for his liking but he didn't complain.
Lucius was checking something in the drawer and he quickly put the thing away, the only thing Regulus could manage to feel was the tip of darkness that came out from that.
Weird

And even though Regulus preferred cats he knew how to be a dog when he wanted, so he wouldn't forget about that easily.

Voldemort could be giving away his Horcruxes?

He really trusted Lucius so much?

Who else could be a part of that? Bellatrix? Rabastan? His father? Unlikely.

How many of them?

"So, Regulus, cheers to that. I hope I'm not overstepping." Lucius smiled and winked at him and he started his job of flattering.

"No, not at all. I'm quite happy to finally have this power, I trained for all my life, so I just want to held right the Blacks name. It is time that I start the role as the head of my family."

"I'm pleased to hear you speak like that. You were always the most intelligent in your family, I already knew that you would be heir one day." and he rolled his eyes, because what the fuck? He hated when people tried to fuck him.
Nobody expected him to be the family heir, he was the fucking spare, with Sirius in the room he just disappeared so- no one- not Lucius, or his parents thought about this day. So just shut up.

"Right-" he took seat in the armchair Lucius pointed him to "so now you know what this position will mean in the future, right? Not only me but also Narcissa will take advantage from this" he saw a glint of excitement in Lucius' eyes.
Lucius liked that.
Lucius wanted to get all the power he could achieve and would do anything.
And he was giving him everything he even wanted. An access to the highest rank.

"I surely hope so, Narcissa always talks about you and your time together, so it's only right to unify the family again."

"Sorry- they must not be happy memories" he fake-smiled at him and Lucius burst out laughing and he laughed with him.

"Well Narcissa said otherwise- she always cared so much about you" and that- well he was quite happy to hear with that even though he didn't know if it was real or not.

"So for the sake of this relationship- If I ask something to you, will you be honest?" He drank a bit of liquor, savoring the flavor, it was expensive, good, and strong. So good.

"Regulus, don't joke like that. As I just said you are family now, Narcissa is working on your father's funeral, so honestly is a must here. Ask me anything." He bit his lips, satisfied.

"Can you help me with the latest news? What did the Lord was focusing on? As the Lord Black I must be aware of everything. Ready for when he'll wake up." He explained shrugging his shoulders and playing with the glass of liquor.
He carefully watched Lucius' expression and he saw that the man took the bait.
But why should he not?

Regulus was just a beginner who wanted to satisfy his Lord, he didn't know about his betrayal so, why would Lucius deny him anything?

"With pleasure, Regulus, but unfortunately I cannot tell you much. He was focusing more on the werewolves pack, you know? The Dark Lord had to take care of this nuisance from the Order before considering the Minister. But- what day it is today?"

"The eleventh" Regulus said mechanically while his head was starting to spin around.
A nuisance from the Order.
A nuisance-
A-
Oh god he only knew one person who could be called nuisance- and- he was fucked. Regulus himself was fucked- because if he was right he had to step in again and- what the hell? Merlin- everything had to happen now?

"Yeah- tonight- tonight the pack will took care of the nuisance" Lucius continued not observant enough to see the panic in Regulus' eyes.

Fine.

He must learn who was this nuisance.
Please don't be Remus Lupin.
Don't be Remus Lupin.
Everyone but him.

"How-" he coughed, he tried to stall his breath. "How did The Dark Lord planned to do that? I must say I'm quite curious to see how he has planned to have his job done."

"Don't know much, don't care much. They are only a branch of animals, owling and hunting with the moon. Disgusting beast, I must say."

Regulus cursed internally. He must have his answers. And he must have them now. Before he committed a fucking homicide in his cousin's house. Narcissa had already one funeral to prepare, and it was enough.

"Oh- I must say that I'm a bit disappointed. Do you think that Rabastan knows something else? I must visit Bellatrix tonight as well as Narcissa. But I thought of coming here before, because- well- my relationship with your wife is special." He moved to stand but Lucius poured another glass of liquor to him. Regulus smiled behind the glass.

"I don't think that Rabastan knows something else. I mean- he is the brute force in The Dark Lord's plan, nothing else."
Regulus nodded because he was aware of that.
Rabastan dueled well but nothing more than that, he had no mind in panning and making strategies, and that was useful to Voldemort who needed subjects to sent at war without overthrown him in the meantime.
But a little competition between him and Lucius will do good to his plan.

"So are you telling me that I only got to sit around here while waiting his awakening? That's- degrading. A Lord must know the plans that are made, you'll soon understand that I'm nothing like my father. I plan on being at his right side when the time will come, but without a little help here, I can't do a lot" Regulus fake pouted.
Lucius had to know something.

"Fine, Regulus. Fine. I see you are already bossy, right mind for a family guide." Lucius laughed again and he sat more comfortably on the chair.

Fucking finally. he rolled his eyes, taking a sip.

"I don't know about this plan much- but he called Greyback, the one who turned half of the pack- you know? The same guy who is the pack leader-" Regulus froze, his blood cold, a pack leader? Voldemort really gave nothing to the fate.
"I think The Lord planned a fight between werewolf, you know, one of those fight for the territory or for the lead, some shit like that. But this time- the guy- Lupin I think- has to die. The Dark Lord was very adamant about it. He cannot let this brat go and turn the werewolf against our cause."

And Regulus knew. He already knew that he had to postpone his research for another fucking life mission. He closed his eyes, cursing internally.
His brother and his lot would kill him.

"Lupin? As Remus Lupin?" He fainted innocence, his throat hoarse.
He already knew that Remus was a werewolf.
Being obsessed with Sirius and James made him watch them a lot during the years, and he was not daft enough to not notice the fact that at every full moon Lupin disappeared.

"Oh yes, now I remember. I think he was your brother's roommate. And the Order best shot to get through the werewolves."
Oh trust me Lucius, they were not only roommates.
He bite his cheeks to not laugh.

But at the same time he was pretty shocked to hear that Remus Lupin, fresh out of school, seventeen years old, had been the best shot of the Order.
Fuck he was a teenager at that time- what Albus expected him to do?
Dumbledore didn't have no other werewolf than Lupin?
And what the hell was doing Remus? The martyr?

"Oh well- it's pretty interesting as a plan. Our Lord is very knowledgeable as I already knew- but Lucius- tell me something more, I must learn from him, right?" Lucius smiled at him and he sat more comfortably.

Well- the game was starting.

And the night would be very long.

Regulus only hoped for the better, he only hoped to be in time, after all, how many places would there be in their area where werewolves gathered to sing to the moon?

Chapter Text

January, 1977

James was finding ignoring Regulus quite difficult.
He had asked Remus everything there was to know about gay people, and being gay, and the feelings that one had about another man if this person was in fact gay, and after a little mental break down -not so little actually- he had accepted the fact that maybe, and maybe, he wasn't exactly straight.
But he still liked girls, he was still in love with Lily- just- it was hard not to look at Regulus as well.

For now, Remus was the only one who knew that he probably had a preference towards boys too, and he had been really comforting in everything, in the questions he had asked, in the doubts, in - in not fully accepting himself.

Not that- not- James wasn't against it, hell, his best friend was gay and he had nothing against it, love was love, and for a person like James, who appreciated all kinds of affection it shouldn't be anything too strange, just that admitting it to himself hadn't been so easy.

There were still many prejudices, the topic was unknown in the wizarding world, and misinformation was even more widespread. James was quite free, he had never been the subject of accusatory glances, his parents were perfect in every kind of freedom, but this - he didn't know how they would take it.
And James hated lying, or hiding. So well- he had a lot in his mind in this period but that didn't mean that Regulus wasn't on the top on this list.

They were back from Christmas break, the first Christmas Regulus had spent alone at his home, after- well- after Sirius run. The last one it didn't go too well for Sirius so much so that the Potters had found him at their door in the middle of the night- so- he didn't quite know what to think about this year.
Would they treat Regulus like Sirius?
But- if it was so why Regulus didn't escape like his brother?
But again- could he really escape?

Sirius had been in a bad mood all day, casting glances around the Slytherin table and nothing had managed to cheer him up. He was probably seeing something that was unknown to him. Sirius probably knew something he didn't, the only thing that was certain was that Regulus wasn't well, not as usual, and Sirius probably knew why.

"Ei Sirius, don't you taste the meat?" Remus asked him, raising an inquisitive eyebrow and Sirius snorted, it was strange and neither of them understood why.
Sirius never left anything behind, he had once confided in him that in their home fasting could be a form of punishment and for this reason at Hogwarts he never held back.

"'m not hungry" he said looking at the Slytherin table and he was so obvious that at a certain point Barty Crouch turned to them and gave them the middle finger.

"Sirius, mate, are you good? Has something happened?"

"They are starving him- I can't believe- They-" Sirius mumbled to himself, he didn't even seem to have heard the question Peter had asked him, but those whispered words to himself made the table freeze. Starving? Regulus- he- fuck James had understood just a little about the boy but he knew that there was something wrong in how he perceived himself and his body and if at home they starved him he could easily understand why.

They were monster.

"What?" Remus said, looking the most collected up of them but still shocked, he gave him a sad side look and he drifted his gaze away.
Sirius ignored them, once again.

They all turned to the Slytherin table having new information to fall back on, but they didn't see much, Regulus was hiding behind his friends, playing with meatloaf, while listening to Pandora talk, but he didn't seem to be paying much attention.
His gaze was more on his plate and the untouched food on it.

James didn't- he couldn't- he felt bad.
Sirius knew something but even if he had told James this something he and his brother seemed to share, he couldn't do anything anyway.
Not until he managed to talk to Regulus, not until he managed to take him into a closet and have a conversation heart to heart, not untile he regained the little confidence they had before he went back to his parents for Christmas.

Regulus was as shy as a cat, literally.
In that month James had done everything to make sure to talk to him and he had had a very few results, he even went at the library to meet him, but nothing! Literally nothing!

He was sorry that he let this much time pass since talking to him after Sirius went away, but fifth year had been- a lot- for all of them, with Sirius that run away at Christmas, with the prank -as they called it- he did to Remus and the shift in their group- everything was going bad and he did think about approaching Regulus. Not until everything was sorted out.

And then- Regulus always seemed to be in a hurry, in a continuous fight against time, he always something to do, subjects to study, potions to brew and it was exhausting for James, he didn't want to imagine how it was for Regulus.

The only good thing was that in the last period they had made a lot of progress.
Yuppy yay!

He had found something Regulus was willing to do with him.
Quidditch.
Regulus really liked racing with him on the field, until their lungs burned, until their laughs echoed, until their fingers get too tired to even hold the broom.

And after they had competed together, late at night, despite the freezing cold, on the field, they went in the kitchens to ask the elves for a cup of hot chocolate.
And that was his favorite moment, when Regulus still cold from the flight, his cheeks and nose red, his long fingers warming themselves on the cup, was calm and peaceful, without the slightest worry, a vision, really.

Regulus had burned through every ounce of energy, every ounce of cool, intelligent remark that he constantly seemed to have.

So that was the moment in which Regulus opened up.

When Regulus told him about his books, quiddich, the France, and in return James told him about his parents, the Christmases spent together, the birthdays celebrated.
And Regulus seemed so small, so little, so out of his world, with his mouth slightly open and stars in his eyes, imagining how different their future would have been if he too had been able to experience those things.
If he too had had the love of his parents.

And on one of those evenings, he understood that he was absolutely and irremediably in love with Regulus Black. Because he was beautiful and- and a- he was fucking art.
James understood he had a heavenly crush, something that wouldn't go away in a few months, but would remain for a lifetime.
He literally would have dropped on his knees for him.
He hoped to drop on his knees for him.

James even liked when Regulus insulted him, he found beauty even in the mocks he did towards his stupid glasses, his curly hair, his competitiveness. He found delight in seeing his teeth appearing in an almost smile, even though- even though Regulus always stopped himself midway, as if he was not permitted to smile, to laugh.
And his heart clenched even thinking about that- he- wanted to give Regulus the world, to make him understand how he saw in his reality- like how he was doing with Sirius. He wanted Regulus in his life.

His problem right now was that - with the holidays in between, with the dose of harsh comments his parents had towards him and - well- no one knows what else they did to him - Regulus would withdraw into himself.
In his insecurities.
In his doubts.
In his convictions of not being enough, of having to give more, more, more, of not deserving anything other than contempt.
And James- James felt bad.
Because he could not bear to see that - to a person who literally had stars in his eyes, who had constellations on his face in the form of freckles, who was the personification of beauty, of intelligence, of love - him treated like this.
Like he was a no one.

Dorcas said something to Regulus and he snapped his eyes on them, his gaze cold against their skin. He mimed a 'what' with his mouth and Sirius gave him a middle finger who was reciprocated by Regulus who rolled his eyes.

And James-
James didn't understand their relationship- Sirius was worried mad about his brother but when their eyes met they treated each other like shit.
Sirius once said to him that it was a brotherly thing and James would have not understood entirely, so- well- he didn't rally know.

"Why?" Peter asked Sirius

"Why what?"

"Why are you worried sick for him and when he actually watch here, you behave like a dickhead?"

"I can't let people see that we still talk to each other." His blue eyes snapped on them. "I wonder what he did to make them so angry he's usually-" he stoped himself, shook his head biting his lips, that evening he never watched at the Slytherin table again.

When they finished their dinner they went out and Sirius marched on Regulus, taking his wrist and getting him away from the mass of people. Remus tried to protect them from the gaze, but they saw that not a lot of people cared about them, too lazy and tired after the banquet.

"(...)What did you do to make (...)" Sirius hissed at his brother.

"Hello (...) and lower your voice you dumbass or do you (...) " Regulus shouted back and James winced, hearing his hoarse voice, like ha had been screaming.

"You are a (...), now tell me what (...)" James, Remus and Peter were trying to understand what they were discussing about but they didn't get everything, just some words whispered.
But they could easily understand what the two brothers were arguing about, it was not difficult, James saw it all, Regulus got thinner in just a few weeks, and he probably was using a charm to cover their work.

He felt so angry.
He felt so fucking angry.
So much so he could go and kill them.

And James was a good person, he was good- but fuck he felt the need to kill someone only twice in his life, and towards the same person.

The First time was when Sirius run to them, bloodied and crying.
He was so fucking angry that he wanted to go there and literally hurt all of them for just touching his person.

And then now.
The rage was so big that he could feel the air being fuzzy and his magic almost exiting from him, exploding, imprisoning the air around them, Remus out a hand on his shoulder but he just- just-

He wanted to hurt them
To make them feel pain.
And he could not think about that.
Because he was good.

"You can't say to me what to do (...)"

"You are fucking scrawny, are they starving you? What is this on your wrist? What did you do to anger dear mummy? They love you." James went nearer, it was wrong, it was their privacy but- but he knew that something was wrong in each one of them.
That soon they'll explode.
Because everytime happened.

"You know nothing, Sirius. Shut up." Regulus hissed, his eyes closing as to stop himself.

"I know enough, you are their perfect son, are you already marked? You would wash the floor with your tongue if she asked so. What could you have done to make her angry? Let me see your arm."

Sirius was gravitating too near at Regulus.
And he knew for a matter of fact that Regulus hated that.
It was one of the first things he learned about him.

Never, never, trap Regulus Black if you didn't want a black eye.

But right now, Sirius was too near to Regulus and he was hyperventilating, but Sirius being Sirius didn't notice that, too preoccupied by his injuries, that were- a lot. Regulus tried to get away but his brother was pulling his wrist even stronger and- and that was wrong.
Sirius let him go

"Don't touch me." Regulus tried to get away once again, but Sirius quickly followed and Regulus was trapped.

Wrong, wrong, wrong

Regulus was hating all of that. He hated the fuss, the worry, the powerless feeling he felt. But Sirius was still watching his arm, not his eyes.
Sirius, please, let him go.

"I'm right? Is this why? At only fifteen? Must be a record? I can't fucking believe you-" Sirius grinned like a maniac, his head far, far, far away, already imagining it in his mind, how his brother took the mark willingly, how he was proud of his doing, how- how- how. But it was all wrong- wrong- wrong-

"You don't know anything, let me go. Now."

"How asshole can you be from one to ten? I'm caring about you here!"
And Regulus snapped, James saw his jaw clench, his fists closing, his arm tensing, his body straighten up.

"You don't deserve to care, not now. You are just a fucking idiot who thinks that he's better than anyone. You run but I'm still there, fucking dimwit! You don't deserve to come here and pretend to care about me. You DON'T care about me! You didn't care when you first came to Hogwarts, you didn't cared when I was sorted in Slytherin and you didn't care when you went away with your new brother! So let me live alone and- and- never talk to me again! You just bring problems to me, they see everything! Care, as if you still care"

And Sirius was pretty shocked.
He had tears in his eyes but he should have known better than to cage Regulus like that. And fuck. He was so sorry- he had his best friend and his crush who were arguing and he couldn't think- what to do? He didn't want to see them like that.
Sirius was just worried about his brother, he just thought about his well being even though Sirius insisted he was not, that he didn't care about him.
Regulus instead was surviving as they taught him to, they treated him with so much violence that he didn't know love, so he didn't know how to let others take care of him.
Even Sirius loved him through pain, through punishments and beatings so- so Regulus really couldn't see the difference between love and pain.
You love with pain.

"I- You can't- I'm- I'm sor-"

"Don't be- don't need- live your happy life with your new brother- I don't fucking care"
And he knew what Regulus meant with that, because he wrote that to him a long time ago-
Regulus was happy that Sirius was living well- he was happy that he was away from that house- far away from the pain, being loved and cared.
But James just couldn't understand neither of them, they- they- it was so difficult- fucking hell-

Regulus was capable of pushing Sirius away and he passed near them, giving only a quick look at James. He went to Sirius instead. He would have found Regulus later.
Or at least he hoped.

"Sirius-" James didn't know what to say to him, he overheard their speech when he didn't have and they argued about things that he didn't plenty understand, he was interrupting their moment and it was wrong but he already did it, so there was no turning back.
"Don't- Regulus- he is- You were the one to tell me that brothers are like this."

“He’s not my brother,” Sirius shook his head after a moment. And shook it again like he was ridding himself of a buzzing fly. Again.
James wanted to look closer at Sirius' anxieties, hold his eye open and shine a light through his skull. Is that how all those lab doctors felt? But Sirius didn't let them through his shell. Only sometime, but he still had too much inside him, bottled up.

They heard a clang and he turned to see Regulus' wand fell on the ground, his lips wobbling a bit, but he quickly stood up, getting away as soon as possible. Sirius seemed to see but not to understand how much he hurt him.
Sirius was dissociating again.
In places that James didn't ever see and where he couldn't go, where he couldn't take him out.

“He is,” James said simply, almost angrily. They were brothers, they- they had- since the first time, Sirius came with Regulus. They were each other's strength, they were each other's hope, they came together, Sirius the overprotective brother and Regulus the cold one, who cared inside.
And- Sirius took proud in being his older brother, during their first year it was his most prominent feature.
“What else is he then?”

“I left him,” Sirius says hoarsely and he finally understood what his best friend meant before. Sirius grips the wrist of his bad hand, watching the spot Regulus had been one moment before. “I left him behind.”

Sirius didn't meant bad when he said that Regulus wasn't his brother anymore.
He just meant that he had failed him, that he didn't deserve to be called like that anymore, that he let him down.

But to Regulus-
Yeah- to Regulus those words meant something else.

---------------

James woke up and went to Harry's room to find Lily already there, hugging and cuddling him.
"James, hi darling!" He smiled at them, poking at his son cheek.
How much he loved him, Harry didn't know.
"Have you noticed how fussy Harry has been lately? I'm getting worried about his health. Do you think that- that he'll be good? Even with the bond?"

James had returned from the hospital three days prior, but he still couldn't do a lot of things, his training with the Aurora was suspended, to his much dismay and even at home he had to rest.
The doctor said that it was for the blood loss and the hit he had received in his head when he fell on the floor.

And- okay- thanks to everyone- but it was annoying, boring, lonely and the time passed too slowly.

James was used to woke up at the dawn, run about four kilometres, do a few laps around the quiddich pitch and start all his lessons.
James was a sporty person.
Motion was his reason for living.
So sitting down for so long had become excruciating.

"Yeah, I've noticed too. But mum said that he's okay physically. A part the first few days in which he kept crying his eyes out, now he's good. So she said that the- the bond- the- well- it means that it's- that person is good. Uhm-"
He took his son in his arms.
Another thing that had been changing was how everyone was now much more affectionate, always being in each other's space.

And- well it was okay from the other, but from james who was already a touchy persone had almost become unbearable.
Nobody had the courage to say anything to him, they were still preoccupied about his health- but he himself could see how he was being demanding.

He had often slightly panic attacks when he didn't know where his parents or his best friends went, and he knew, he knew it was no good, it was a traumatic response after a bad accident, he was no dumb, he already knew. But it was so difficult to not fidget when somebody missed for more hours than necessary.

"The person who our son is bonded with is good? Is this that are you trying to say?"

"I don't want to think about our son- tied with a- a Death Eater- they did this, they are the cause of all of our problems I hate them and-" Lily had always been the more rational one of them.
He and Sirius took all the news about bonding bad, they didn't want anything to do with- well- with them.

Lily, instead, she was not happy, but she thought that if this person had almost sacrificed himself for saving them- this Death Eater couldn't not be that bad.
And she was right.
And James knew that there was no black and withe.
But it was difficult.
His son life was in a Death Eater's hand.

"James we have already talked about this" Lily said changing Harry's diapers, while he got nearer. "It's a good thing, if that person didn't show up, we would be dead." He winced at those words.

Dead
He started to don't like that word either.
Dead, dead, dead.

"James, you really have to think about seeing a psychologist- it'll be good. And I'll come with you if you need that- I'll need that" Lily said.

"I know, I know" he mumbled. He already knew that he had to took these problems into his hands. That it was not normal to need to be so in control of everyone, or to be scared of the world death, or to- well everything he was having in the last period.
"But right now- it's not the right time, the healers need to care about the person who really needs that. I'm good, I'm fine- and- I'll be right as new in a bit of time. Don't worry."

"Don't- just don't postpone your problems for the others. Not again. Don't fall into old habits." She warned him and he gulped guilty.

They always said that he often did that, but he didn't really- he didn't see that.
James- he was fine- the other had bigger problems than him, they struggled about their life, their parents, the fact of being a fucking werewolf, so who was he to complain about his life?

And the first of them to tell him that was Regulus, the first one to tell him that he was a fucking dimwit to think like that, to not talk about this problems because- because he didn't feel them as important as the others.
He called him a fucking idiot for thinking like that. Or a martyr. Or a- well Regulus insulted him a lot while they dated.
And then Regulus would listen to him complain about a lot of things- but Regulus told him he was happier to ear him talk about his problem than his silence.
So he learned to do that with him.
But without- well he was- now he was really falling into old habits.

He smiled sadly.

"He would say the same thing, and you know that." Lily whispered and- fuck- was she able to read his fucking mind?

"Are you a seer? How do you know what I was thinking about?" She laughed shook it her head and poking their child on his cheeks.

"No Jamie- you do that face every time you think about him" she hugged him and he put his head on her shoulder.

"You know- sometimes- I think that if he was the- the Death Eater- I would burst out with joy. I'm- I'm so against it- against this bond because it could be anyone but I want it to be just one person- just him." he huffed on her neck, and he felt so embarrassed of being so- so- concerned about a person who he hadn't seen in such a long time. So weak. So frail.
"Is it wrong for me to hope this? At the end of the day he had still chosen them."

"No James, no. It's not wrong to- to care. We're living in a difficult time and- it's difficult to decide. And- I hope abut that too, James- and I think even Sirius is thinking the same. He just doesn't say it because- well it hurts every day. And it will hurt more if at the end he'll not be the one. But everyone is hoping."
James nodded, he was not relieved but it was difficult to be during a war, but he was feeling a bit better, he still had near him Lily, Harry, Pads, Moons and his parents, and they were enough.

The bell rang and his mom was at the door waiting for Harry.
His parents offered to take care of him for the night so they could reunite a bit with Sirius and the others, Mary, Cas, Marls, Frank, Alice.
Not a lot, but the right number.
They were just sorry to not have done this when Remus could be with them, tonight he would be with the pack, on a mission from the Order like always. They could have postponed it but- well- Sirius was not in his best moment, so better have him under control than far away.

Sirius was still angry with Remus, after what he said in the hospital, but at the same time he was suffering that his boyfriend was alone far from him during a full moon, without Pads near him.
And well- the general mood was very sour- after their almost death- having Remus so distant in a period like this- was- disturbing.

"Oh hello honey. How much did you grow since last time?" His mother kind face showed up at the door and James hugged her tightly.

"Mum you have seen him yesterday" James laughed and his mother mocked him behind his son.
Really?

"Thank you Effie, for tonight"
Harry was watching everything with a pout on his mouth, he was not happy to be far rom home, but it didn't happen a lot.
Just sometimes.

"No problem, darling, just-" his mother sighed "Just have a bit of fun tonight together, you'll need it." And they nodded grateful.

"Hi little pumpkin, we'll take you tomorrow!" James waved a hand in fron of harry and he tried to catch it babbling a bit. "Have fun with the granny" he touched his nose affectionately and he let him go.

"Hi, my little baby, my heart and my soul." Lily hugged him and the she planted a kiss on his cheek. "Stay well. Okay? We'll se you tomorrow morning."

Tonight it would also have been a test.
They were trying to see if james had a real traumatic response, how he cope without Harry near him. He took a deep breath.
It was fine.
He was with his mother.

Lily put a hand on his shoulder.
"Do you want to help me in the kitchen?"
And yes.
He would do anything right now.
Anything to distract him.

----------------

"A smoke?" Sirius asked Dorcas, who were looking outside the balcony.
It was freezing, middle of November, but he still felt the need to catch a bit of fresh air. James did this little reunion to celebrate his birthday, but he knew that in fact it was to keep him near when Remus was far and in danger, alone and scared.

And- yeah- James did good.
Or he would have gone crazy that night.

"Yes, thanks" Dorcas took the cig into her hands.
She had come earlier than expected, Marlene was still with the Aurors, so they would meet here after she finished her daily training.

They were quiet for some time, watching for the sky quickly turning blue, the sun disappearing at the horizon, the crisp chill of the evening chill that was beginning to stir their clothes, a chill made their skin stand up

Dorcas- Dorcas had been welcomed in their group immediately, hell they were happy Marls had finally managed to get her girl- but- well Sirius didn't get along with her, they mostly talk when they were together with the others but not so much when they were alone.

Dorcas reminded him so much of his brother, the group they had been, how she posed, that confidence, those jokes, Slytherins were cunning by nature and she was one of them. And- and her brother was like that, too.
Quiet but calculating.

"Can I ask you something?"
It was bugging him.
Since the incident with James and Lily happened- he wasn't thinking about anything else.

"I thought we were past these formalities, Sirius" she winked at him and he smiled.

"Yea- but- it's quite personal, I don't want to disturb you"

She hummed, nodding along, the cigarette burning in her hand without her really taking a drag. "You are being extra careful today and I'm not quite used to this you. So spill out and quickly" and Sirius rolled his eyes, really?
He was being considerate and she just said that?
Regulus would have said the same.

He huffed and took a drag from his cig, taking his time in forming the right words.
He wanted to know a bit about his brother- was he a pure blood supremacist or- or he had his doubt?

He didn't know a lot, if he rethink about that- he never asked him much, Sirius was the one to talk most of the time while Regulus listened to his mumbling, whit a book in his hands.
But well- at the end- he didn't talk so much, they mostly argued about everything really.

"How was he? How did you- formed your group? I was used to his bookworm self- I don't know- at the end- I was not so good I didn't ask him anything about-" he struggled to let out these words- he never- never talked about his thoughts,- it was a thing he learned at Grimmauld Place, hide everything you don't want them to see.

Don't talk casually, because the painting and the frames listened and reported everything.

Never let out what you really thought because she would have known.

Never, never, never, show your weaknesses.

Even when he went against his parents he kept everything to himself, he rebelled only on the littlest things, too scared. Never mention about homosexuality, or- being with a guy, or having some muggleborn friend.

Dorcas laughed, Sirius didn't understand if it was nostalgic or real.
"You know? You are right, if it were up to him, he would have become a monk before his fifth year. However, you must- you must believe me when I tell you that he was the supporting force in our group. It's strange looking back- but everything- he was like the sun and we gravitated around him. And it's almost ironic to call him like the sun, isn't it?"

"The sun? Why?"
Dorcas smile sadly but she didn't continued about that, she just watched him and nodded slightly, sighing a bit.

"Can I have another?" She pointed at the pack and he quickly gave them to her.

"I don't know how it happened really, I came later, at first there were Reg and Evan- they were already friend when they arrived at Hogwarts." Sirius rolled his eyes, because he already knew that and he hated the fact that Evan was always more interested in his brother than him.
Yes- he was an attention whore, so when at six years old a kid didn't want to pass the time with him to spent it with his brother who didn't care, it hurt a little.

"And Evan had his twin sister Pandora who was sorted in RavenClaw with Barty" She chuckled and he smiled with her unknowingly. "So I don't know how it happened, but Barty apparently messed with Pandora in some way, don't know how- they always change it when they tell us because Barty- well- he's Barty and he find it funny. But he was already weird and too intelligent even at eleven years old- so Evan and your brother ganged up against him."

"He did what?"
Oh Merlin- they ganged up- his brother?
Regulus?

"I swear- Regulus had a soft spot for Pandora. So no body could ever make her cry or he would jinx them for all their life." Dorcas smiled and Sirius saw how this topic was affecting her, but at the same time she seemed all right telling this. Sirius wondered how- how she might have felt when her best friend went away, in a path she could not follow.
"But it's so funny when they tell this story because the two big boys went in the Ravenclaw common room to- I don't really know what was their goal and they didn't know either, they were too posh to even throw a punch, to stick up-" she giggled.

"And?"

"They just clicked you know? Regulus and Barty. Like immediately. Regulus throw a punch at him but then they started laughing. Both swot, witty, and intelligent, they always fought for the first place in tests and homeworks, it was almost funny to watch. And then, both their parents sucked so- well- that did a good job on their bonding"

Sirius froze-
Well he forgot that part- he didn't think that could be a way to bond, bring their parents in to the picture, but at the end it seemed that they were useful to someone.

"Or well- your parents- sorry- it’s strange to think that after so much time" Dorcas smiled at him, putting the cigarette in the case.

"Yeah right?" He laughed awkwardly "Weird. But they were good to him. After a bit." Sirius didn’t put a right in the end.
Because- because they must have been.
Regulus was the heir. The last one. So he was necessary, they couldn't hurt him. He had just to be good and he was. They must have been nice to him. He did everything for them.

"Oh- Sirius-" Dorcas caressed his cheek with a sweetness that he made him almost crumble at her feet. "Don’t- not now- let’s not ruin your party, okay?" And the floor could hold him anymore.
He was falling and falling and falling.
Regulus was- Regulus was good-
He was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good, he was good

"What- Dorcas what- what do you mean?" He struggled to breathe, his hands trembled. Where was now? Was he good now? Why he didn't seek for help? They would have helped him? Even after everything. Why, why, why?

"Don’t worry- not tonight- just-" Dorcas bit her lips, uncertain to what to say next, she probably saw him struggle. "But he was not alone. It wasn’t good, yes- but- we were there with him. Okay? It was something."

She put an arm around his torso, trying to give him some comfort, but he felt his ears ringing, his head full.
"Let get inside, you are freezing. It's too cold." She whispered and he nodded.

"Yes- in a bit. I finish the last one first"

"He always cared about you, don't be- too fixated on his" she hummed watching him "Choices. He- there are reasons"
And he was left with much more questions than answers.
Dorcas flip up all of his conviction with a single phrase.
But- well- what one can't see one can't believe right? They were all talks.
"We'll wait for you." She winked at him and she entered.

But he couldn't enter, not now. He closed his eyes and took a drag, burning his lungs and forgetting everything for a moment. The burnt he felt was worth it, the damage that the smoke was doing in his lungs a little less, but they were already fucked up- so who really cared?

And well- what a great month.

"Hey mate, they have arrived, don't you want to come inside?" James reached him outside and he cursed internally, he let too much time pass, lost in thoughts.
"Fuck- it's fucking cold outside! Are you mental?"

"James you are not wearing a jacket, maybe it's for that." He pointed out and his best friend grinned. He didn't know what he would have done without James in his life. He watched at the moon who was shining bright on their head and he sighed, worried.

"Are you- do you need- some time? Some company?" James started noticing his mood but Sirius stopped him immediately.

"No sorry- I just lost track of time, I'm coming" he smiled at him, letting an arm slide on James' shoulders and they went inside. "Everything is good" and Sirius smiled, it was easier that way.

"So, Sirius, how does it feel to finally turn twenty-one? You are of age in America" Frank pat him on the shoulder and he grinned.

"Not that it makes some difference. But you know, same old. Just another year wiser and better looking, I suppose." He welcomed Alice in his arms and she quickly smiled at him.

"Modest as always, right Sirius?" Marlene grinned and he grinned with her.
He tried to put his thoughts a part, about Regulus, Remus, the full moon.

"Wow Lily! You have outdone yourself"
He put a finger in the cake she had made and she slapped him on his hand, he pouted.

"Don't ruin everything, I worked hard for this"

"Yeah, the hospital only suggested her to take it easy" James rolled her eyes, kissing her on the cheeks and he smiled. He was sad they didn't work out at the end, because they were both easygoing and they balanced each other well.
But if Lily turned out to be a lesbian, nothing to say at that.
He was glad she was able to find and understand herself better, and james didn't take it bad, he was quite happy for her.

"You are sulking because you were confined to bed until two days ago" and james pouted, because it was real. James really couldn't stay in bed for more than six hours.

"Shut up, I had been marvelous" and they all laughed a bit, because no.
Monty called everyone at least once a day to complain about his son.

"You are really funny, I didn't remember how much" Mary said, bending over the kitchen counter, in front of Lily and taking a strawberry from the cake, under the attentive gaze of Lily, who blushed.

"What! You scold me and don't say anything to her!"

"Shush! She is my girlfriend." But Lily took out the cake, still shooting her head, a bit of blush around her cheeks.

"Girlfriend preferences, you must understand" Mary winked at him and he rolled his eyes.

"To think that once you were my girlfriend"

"Don't remind me of my dark times"

"It's my birthday, you slut!"

"Slut to who?" Mary took his hair in her hands and he started screaming some more cursed at her, while their fought for their lives.

"Can we bring back Harry? Or it's too late?"

"No, we should go James, he has the best behavior among all those babies."

"For real, next time we'll bring Neville and it'll be easier."

"I must say it again, do you perhaps remember that I'm the birthday boy, right?"

"Attention whore" Dorcas coughed and Sirius watched her shocked before he bursted out laughing. He didn't- we he was but it was the last thing he expected to hear. And the other laughed to while Lily prepared the last thing on the table, before dinner.

"You didn't really-"

"And what if she did?" Marlene took a fork and she pointed it against his chest.

"You lesbians are dangerous, I swear" Sirius mumbled to himself and James gave him a tap on the shoulder in a comforting way and he dramatically shook his head, but he was smiling.

"I'll save you, my love" James hugged him and Sirius laughed on his shoulder.
How the hell would have he lived without James?
There was no world in which Sirius Black and James Potter were far from each other, there couldn't be.
Never.

"Let's eat! Shall we?" Lily said snorting a bit.

"So? How did today go?" James asked and they all talked about their day, fortunately nothing much happened and he quickly learned that those days were the better ones. Better nothing than- well than an actual fight- with death and- everything else.

Sirius took a seat in one of the chairs and watched as Marlene brought him a mixed drink, virgin, so they didn't have to take care of an eventual hungover, they still had to wait for Remus to came back home.
She set it down on his armrest with a gentle smile and the she went to the others.
Sirius accepted the drink and swallowed a mouthful of fruity liquid. It was good, nothing he had ever tasted before.

They soon found themselves in a lost daily routine, recounting everything they had done during Hogwarts, the pranks, the outings, the parties, the gossip. Accompanied by ABBA in the background, - because really James couldn't help himself - they spent a lovely evening at the end. It- well- James had a good idea, doing this to return in to a sort of normality.

At some point during the evening, Sirius lost count of how many glasses he had drained dry, they were fucking good. Sirius leaned his head back and closed his eyes he was feeling good. And he thought of Remus, curled against his chest, cheek pressed warmly on his shirt, reading a new book he had gifted him, in their apartment. A kiss pressed against his lips, and then he would ask for more. The taste of Remus tongue invigorating his mind and enlivening his senses. Harsh fingers digging into his shoulder. The soft skin catching drawing a moan from deep inside the man. Sirius wanted him badly. He missed him. He needed him.

This evening was perfect.
The only thing it was that Remus missed.
And especially Peter.

Because they knew that Peter was gone, because they knew that he- he was now wanted, a criminal, a traitor and he would no longer pass time with them.
Sirius would kill him if he ever found him.
And- to think that way about a person who had been a founding part of the group-was devastating.

But it had been fun nonetheless.

They said goodbye to each other too late, Frank and Alice going home, even though they asked them to sleep there, but they had to go to work early and they had to take Neville from Frank's mum, so they preferred to go.

Sirius and the others, instead, remained to sleep at the Potters, someone on the couch, someone on the floor, everyone near- scared of letting away that lovely evening. They wanted to make the most out of it, because they didn't know when it would happen again. The next time they would be together like this.

And well- it seemed that they jinxed it.

They were woke up by a loud thoud at the door, like someone who was unhinging the hinges. They all grabbed their wands, scared of who could that be, their sleep washed away immediately, they breath hard, their eyes swollen and widened.

Moody appeared at the door, and-
The heart of Sirius stopped.
He almost fainted immediately.

Not agin, not again, not again.
Please not again.
Just not again.

Moody was carrying a- a body.

The bloodied body of Remus Lupin.

Chapter Text

Start of December 1976

James was fidgeting from quite some time, it was almost a stress to see him like that but Remus knew that something was bothering him, and with James being James- well- it was worrying. Even Sirius watched him a bit preoccupied but he didn't say anything, knowing full well that James wouldn't say anything right now.

It was funny how everyone leaned on James but he leaned on no one, like he didn't deserve to. And that was the worst.

So Remus waited.

And waited.

And waited again.

Until one day they found each other in the room together, Sirius was probably in detention and Peter out with some of the Hufflepuff girl.
Remus was reading one of his new book that they gifted to him and James was pacing around the room, his fingers fidgeting on the furniture, his mind thinking, talking, almost screaming.

"Come on James, talk to us. Talk to me." Remus put down his book, crossing his legs on the bed and watching him carefully.
And he did exactly what he thought he would.
He backed up, shrinking himself on the bad with a guilty expression.

"Sure Moony, what do you want to talk about?" He said smiling but it was the fakest he had seen on him.

"About what's bothering you, Prongs" Remus explained calmly.
"We have time and the room to us"

"It seems almost a suggestion" James said mumbling to himself and Remus opened his mouth shocked. This was the last thing he expected him to say and it was- funny. He started to laugh and James watched him with a smile, a real one.

"James-" Remus slowly got up from his bed going near him.
"Okay uhm- that's fine- but really- talk to me"

"I don't need-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah- You always say this, but let me pamper you for once." And well- James seemed to really think about that because he put his head on his shoulder.

"I'm just confused, you know? It's nothing- it's nothing bad- just-" he mumbled on his neck and Remus tried to decipher his words. "I don't know- I don't think- I don't-"

"So let me help you with that- two brains work better than one."

"But it's something personal, I don't want to step up-"

"James, we live together, we bath together, we see each other naked almost everyday, Sirius is living at your house and I'm not far from that. I think we are past than that." And James laughed nodding with his head.

"You are right" he whispered.

"As always, my prongsie. As always. So-?"

"Well, I've been thinking a lot lately about- uhm- identity and stuff. And I- uhm how did you know you were gay? I think I have this attraction for a boy but it's normal right? I mean we are sixteen and all- so- so we are a bit overstimulated most of the time, right? Or I'm actually gay? Or- or I don't know!" James started to talk fast without skipping a bit and Remus had almost problems in following him.

But this was-

This was-

Well- unexpected.

Not unwanted- but- wow.

"Uhm- well- right- that's a big question. I- I just- imagine- to be with a guy-" he blushed, because that guy was Sirius and he didn't want to admit that he thought of kissing him more than the average amount of time. And the average amount of time was like zero. So he did think about that a lot.

"I mean- I like when- uhm- thinking- about- you know kissing with this guy, or having sex with this guy, or being excited by this guy. You know Sirius does it with the girls and I think about doing it with the guys. But if you ask me about- well about before- about the realization" he huffed- he wasn't doing a good job.
James was looking at him like he hold the moon and- well he wanted to really help him with that. But It wasn't so easy.
Being gay- was not really common between wizards-

"I think It was more like a realization. I guess I always felt this way towards boys and only boys. Never for a girl. So at the end it was not that difficult for me. But it's different for everyone. The- the course is different for everyone, sometimes you understand it pretty quickly, sometimes you need a bit more time, sometimes you don't understand it at all. There is nothing wrong with- taking time James."

"But did you ever feel unsure or insecure about it?"

"Society doesn't always make it easy to be yourself, especially when you're part of a minority. But I- I don't care about society James. I'm a fucking werewolf- for the standard of our society I think I won a ticket to become a fucking hermit on the Mount Everest, far from them" He chuckled because he was an ironic shit who took pleasure in self-deprecating himself.

"Yeah, I can only imagine." James whispered again, his eyes far away from there.
And Remus- well- Remus wanted to give him the world. James deserved this and even more, he was brilliant, nice and kind, so he didn't derive their shit.

And mostly Remus didn't understand why the society made this big deal about man being with man or girls being with girls or whatever the fuck was out there.
It wasn't their fucking business.
So unless one went out naked and caused a fucking scandal around the cities he didn't understand why everyone was making their life so difficult, it was a matter of being yourself.

"Do-" Remus coughed. "Do you have anything against-"
Remus already knew that James didn't have a problem with him or being gay or even being a fucking slice of bread, but he wanted to shake him, out of his shell, maybe he would actually tell him what it was going on in his mind.
Talk to me James.

"No fuck Remus- don't- just don't. I'm not against it! Never! I love gays! I love you! I- I love everyone! Just-"
Remus watched him in silence, James was taking his time and it was okay, he was there for him he would have waited for him to be ready.
"I think- I think I like both. Guys and girls- is it possible? Is it wrong? I'm so confused- it's all new- I never thought about this- I was always pretty sure about myself."

Remus nodded thinking about his next words.
"Yeah- I mena no. It's not wrong but it's possible to like both. Lily told me about this girl she knows- and she likes both. She's a muggleborn, Lily says that they are a bit ahead of us in these things. So I think that it's possibile- and obviously it's not wrong, like you said that it's not wrong for me to like a guy. Why it would be different for you?"

"I'm- I'm not saying- it's just- I'm- I'm afraid of- if- my parents. I love them- and they love me- I couldn't- I couldn't afford to disappoint them- and this- this is big Remus." James said and he was on the verge of crying.
Remus was going to be sick.
Remus hugged him tightly and James leaned in their contact, like he needed the strength right now, and he would have given that to him.
He would be his stone, his floor and whatever he needed right now, because- it was James-

"James- hey- hey- James no. Just- no. I met Effie and Monty. I know Effie and Monty. They- they are the best James really. If this is what that's bothering you- really- they couldn't be more perfect and supportive about this. They'll be okay. Because they really love you. And parents who love you accept his sons. They want you happy and if this guy is making you happy, they'll be glad he's in your life. Okay, James? Just think about yourself for once. You always think about me, or Sirius or Peter or your parents. This once- do it for you. Do whatever it feels right."
James hugged him stronger than before and Remus find himself smiling in his hair.

"I- I'm not seeing this guy. Merlin I don't even think that he's-" Remus understood perfectly what James was trying to say and patted him on the shoulder.
"But- well- he's- Moony- he's beautiful- I thought that it was just an attraction you know- for a boy- but no- fuck no- I don't think so-"

"An attraction for a boy? And you didn't think that was uhm- weird? For an hetero guy?"

"Obviously not- I mean everyone has them!"
Remus arched an eyebrow and James blushed again.
"Remus I think that half of the boys at school watch at Sirius with gleam in their eyes, you can't say that they are all gay-" James suddenly whispered to him and he started chocking in his own saliva, so much so that James needed to pat on his back for like five minutes straight.

What?
Well- yes- Sirius was- Merlin- but everyone? he was so fixated about him that he didn't notice anyone else.
But again- he was Sirius so there was nothing strange with that.
He was a god. Blessed from Mother Nature.

"Oh Merlin- Remus?! I can't believe it! You like-"

"Don't-" he put a hand on James' mouth before he could even pronounce everything he was going too. And James watched him with wide eyes. "Just- don't-"

"I- Oh Merlin- I didn't know- but Sirius, Remus?"

"I know- I know that I'm properly fucked- I already know that- so- don't- don't- I know, I know, I know" he closed his eyes, he really needed prayers and blessing to fall out of love for Sirius. Because there was no way- no fucking way they he could love him back. Never in this life. "I'm just dreaming about it, I'll recover. It'll be gone soon."

Liar

"I think that both of the black brothers properly fucked us" James said suddenly, muttering more to himself than him and- right now- what the actual fuck?

"Both the- both the Black brothers? Regulus-? You are not talking about Regulus right?"

"No." James said too quickly shifting far from him and-
Remus sighed.
Not now.
There would have been other times but right now he was- tired.
He didn't want to talk about Sirius so James didn't want to talk about Regulus.
Fair enough for him. But it was so fucking weird, how the actual fuck did they talk? When did they talk? What did they talk about? About blood purism? About- about- about-

And Remus was a bit sorry.
Because he didn't know anything about him.
And well- maybe there was something else- but he just didn't know.
He knew just one thing and that James was as fucked up as him- or well right now Remus was a bit better than him, at least Sirius was not living anymore with a mass murder family.

"I can't really think that we chose the most fucked up person in this castle, really what the hell, are we insane?" Remus muttered plopping himself on James' bed and James snorted, getting near him.

They stayed there in silence for a bit.
It was nice.
No excessive words. Just quiet. A nice calm, because they didn't feel the need to talk, to fill up that space. It was good.

"Remus?"
He hummed in response.
"Did- did you ever kiss- a guy?"
And he opened his eyes. No. No he didn't kiss anyone.
There was this guy this summer, but with his mother being home, and his problems with the full moons he didn't have time to think- well- just no.

He shook his head.
"Can we- can we- we?"

"Do you mean try?"
His eyes bulged out of his head. It was the last thing he expected from James, but again, he didn't expect a lot of things that day.
But- it was not- bad, as an idea.
It would have been good. To feel lips against lips. A boy's lips.
He didn't know how many times he would have the chance of doing so- so why not?
"Sure"

"Sure"

"Okay"

"Okay"

But James was still so he rolled his eyes and took his face, with more force than needed maybe. And then their lips met.
And well- he imagined it with Sirius a lot of times, so it had nothing to do with that.
But he thought that if he had some real feelings for James that would be a pretty nice kiss.

He was a bit shy, but nothing bad.

He put a hand under his chin, opening James' mouth a little, slipping inside with his tongue and well- he was gay.
He liked what he found. He liked that he was a boy. He liked his lean body. No curves. Remus closed his eyes but when he started imagining of stroking Sirius' hair instead of James' one he opened up them immediately.

James stopped the kiss, their lips wet, a bit red, swollen.
James bit his lips out and he was scared- James- James was his best friend he didn't want to ruin their relationship. He just understood now how he felt about the guys, so maybe it was too soon. Maybe they run a bit too much.

But instead he smiled at him.
"Thanks Moony. I liked that." He scooted near him once again, touching his lips with his fingers, but his phrase seemed a bit off. "It was good- really- it's that-" he tried to explain but Remus laughed it off.

"Let's never do it again?" He proposed and James nodded, a semi-laugh out of his mouth.

"Let's never do it again."

-------------

Remus Lupin had never been this happy to have a night with the pack, mostly to forget about the situation with Sirius, mostly to forget that maybe Pads would not accompany him anymore during his full moon, never again.
He felt sick Just thinking about that.
Because well- that was worse, worse than every mission that Dumbledore would have given him, worse than their painful transformation, worse than- well- everything.

Even when they argued back in fifth year, Pads continued to show up during full moons, just to disappear the following morning. He had always been with him.
And right now- he didn't know. He fucked up everything.
And the fact that he didn't know made Moony growl inside him, in a hurt and painful way.

Yeah- tonight would be a disaster. Tonight he would rip off his own skin.

Passing by he nodded at the other werewolves who were already there and he remembered that he was there for a goal. Remus was there to convince them to turn their back to Voldemort, it was the right time, Voldemort didn't show up a lot lately, so maybe he was out for good for a bit of a time, and Remus would have took that opportunity.

He had a mission.
He had a goal.

And Albus was becoming impatient, it was time for him to achieve something, in the last years he had some victories but a lot of defeats. The werewolves were scared to death, were mistreated, misjudged, they couldn't have a proper job, only to fight for a little bit of bread, they were scared of being imprisoned, fo being forced to do something they didn't want to, of being someone they didn't want to.

And- Remus fuck he understood them.
He had been the only one who was recused by Albus, otherwise- well- he would be exactly like them, scared, alone, in pain, suffering famished, jobless.
And he hated that he had to do that, that he had to bring them into a path in which he first was not sure about the outcome, he wasn't sure if Albus would be truthful, if Albus would really change some laws, but he had to trust him.
It was the last thing he had left.
Trust in their leader.
In their principal.

So there he was.
Trying to get their trust first, trying to understand them, to make himself one of the pack, one for them, and it was so fucking weird, because he was not used to this but at the same time it was all so perfect.
It was- it was a pack.
Moony growled at the moon whit them, he was able to run, to hunt, to be free. For real this time, without being trapped in a haunted house, or- or near a school in which he could cause some damage.
They were all the same, they needed the same things, they understood each other, the pain, the injuries, the fights for the territory.
It was so exciting and right.

And well. He thought he had a good job integrating with them, until- well- untile that day.

"Remus, here you are, there is someone for you" Tom, a werewolf a bit older than him, met himself halfway and he shrugged his shoulders.

"For me?" It was weird, no one came for him, not on the full moon, he panicked his eyes out of himself. Question were forming into his mind, the full moons was almost there, a few more minutes and he would transform, who was the crazy one who could request a meeting with him, now, so near to the full moon?

"Yeah, inside" he pointed at the building they used like shelter and he raised an eyebrow.

"Well- let's go then"

But then-
And fuck-
He stopped abruptly, already knowing that mischievous grin, the canines sharper than usual, those bloodlust eyes, the confident pose.
Grayback.
Fortunately he didn't meet him a lot of time but those were enough, he was mental, crazy and mad, the man who transformed him when he was only four years old because he had a grudge against his father.
The man he hated the most.
The craziest of them all.
The devil on the Earth.
Fenrir Greyback.

And he trembled at just seeing him, this night would go very very bad.
He was here for blood, the smile was giving that away and he was not strong enough to fight him.
The pack leader.
Because it didn't metter how many times he could go at these gatherings, no one could ever beat him, the one who transformed half of them.
And Greyback already asked him to kneel to him, to be his second hand, to be HIS, but he didn't accept and- well- that made him really angry.
They were on thin ice since then.

"Oh my- oh my, hello dear Remus"
He felt a shiver along his back.
He wanted to run.

"Greyback" he bitted out, he didn't want to be scared of him. But he was. Merging if he was. His eyes gleamed with primal fury as they prepared to settle a long-standing dispute that threatened to tear the pack apart.

"A birdie told me you're creating a bit of a fuss in my pack, so- here and there I to settle."

"Now you talk to the birds? Here we got the man who talks to animals, impressive."

"Always the sarcastic type you are, right?"

"What do you want? The moon is near" he gritted out, his skin starting to crawl, a pounding pain in the back of his head.

"This land belongs to my pack and you are intruding, your presence will not be tolerated anymore, Lupin."

"I am intruding according to who?" No one ever told him anything of that sort. He was a wolf like all of them, and they were a pack. So why intruding?

"The Dark Lord" and he felt cold.
His mind went out, like a blackout.
What- The Dark lord told Greyback to- fuck- to kill him.
He was not a fool, The Dark Lord resolved his question, in this case the people who were 'intruding' in his pack like this. And well- he would be extremely fucked.

"I will not yield. I am a wolf like everyone else."

"I already knew that, always appreciated your bravery, or stupidity, I don't really know. Just know that tonight- well- I'll not say this in a lot of words, they are not my forte. But you'll die. And not in a pretty way." He told him, pretty happy to finally been able to spread a bit of blood in the grass. "And no one here will fight for you."

"I-" but Remus did not even had the time to be scared because a headache started to explode in his head, he screamed, kneeling and the others did the same.
It was starting.

As the full moon rose high in the night sky, casting its luminous glow upon the world below, those afflicted with the curse of lycanthropy felt the familiar stirrings of transformation deep within their souls. For every one of them, the change from human to werewolf was not just physical but a tumultuous whirlwind of emotions and sensations, each more intense than the last, the smell, the feel, the taste was everything more, more, more.

As the moon reached its zenith, the transformation began, starting with a primal ache that radiated through every muscle and bone. It was a painful reminder of the curse they bore, a curse that robbed them of control and plunged them into the depths of their primal instincts.
And Remus Lupin got through this since he was four years old, barely able to stand on his feet, barely able to talk and yet- here he was, once again, and forever, till his death.
That- well- It was not too distant-
It would probably be that night.

And he didn't even kissed Sirius for the last time.
He didn't said his goodbyes to James, Lily and Harry.
He didn't hug his mother.
But well- one can't really decide when the fate would be against him right?

The first change was always the most agonizing, as bones shifted and muscles stretched, contorting their human form into that of a beast. It was a sensation akin to being torn apart from the inside out, a visceral reminder of their dual nature.
And then they felt their humanity slipping away, replaced by the wild, untamed essence of the wolf, they were consumed by a profound sense of loss and helplessness.

Remus fell forward on all fours, back arched. A pained whimper escaped her lips, making her sound like a kicked dog. Bone snapped somewhere within his and his body lurched forward, hunching and twisting into a new shape.
Another piercing cry of pain filled the room.

Tom was curled on his side, arm bent at a strange angle as it reformed itself. Another whimper spilled out of him, despite the way his teeth clenched together against the pain. Greyback was in the same position as him, even though his trasformation was quicker than his, he didn't really know how, maybe being one of the oldest.

Pained cries filled the air. Cecily, one of the others who were there, was groaning like a beast in death throes, bent fingers clutching at her hip. Andrew was curled tight in a ball, eerily silent. Whimpers of pain receded, no longer filling the room with pitiful cries.

They all watched in horror as their thoughts became feral and primal, their rationality giving way to instinctual urges and desires.
The transformation brought with it a sense of liberation, a freedom from the constraints of human society and morality. But it was even a nightmare from which they could not escape, a relentless onslaught of pain and suffering that left them feeling utterly alone and abandoned.

Howls ripped through the tentative peace.
It was Moony.
And now the others were following his voice.
Remus tilted his head back and howled again, happy to be there. One by one the wolves joined his mournful call.

But for Moony it was time to run.
A hunt had started and it was not a good one.
He would be the hunted tonight and Moony wanted to see padfoot ad lest once before dying, so he must be quick and run away from the big black wolf who was eyeing him.

And so Moony ran, ran, ran.

The woods were cold and dark. Tree branches blotted the stars from the sky and the light of the full moon from the ground. Soft grass and soil absorbed the sound of paws on ground, rendering the pack entirely silent. Even the whoosh of his breath on the air was muffled by the leaves of the trees and the wind in the branches. Small creatures of the forest hid in their boroughs, the bunnies were Moony's favorite but they were intelligent, not daring to move in case the predator caught their movement or scent.

But today he would not play with those bunnies.
Today he would not follow them.
But Moony's run was stopped after a few- moment? Hours? He didn't know, he just saw a black big and mischievous wolf getting in front of him and blocking his way.
So the only thing that remained was to fight the giant wolf.

Why was he doing this to Moony?
Why was Moony the prey?
The bunnies where better-

With a fierce howl, the battle began. Claws clashed and teeth gnashed as the two alphas fought for dominance. The forest echoed with their roars, shaking the very earth beneath them.

Moonlight bathed the battleground as their packs watched, torn between loyalty and fear. Each blow struck was a testament to their strength and resolve.
With a fierce howl, the wolf lunged at Moony, his massive claws slashing through the air. But Moony was leaner, dodging his attack with agility born of years of hunting and survival. He countered with a series of lightning-fast strikes, his movements fluid and precise. But not enough. He was not enough.

Their battle raged on, the sounds of snarls and growls echoing through the forest. Each blow they exchanged was fueled by years of animosity and resentment, as well as the primal instinct to assert dominance.
As the moon passed, casting an ethereal glow upon the battlefield, it became clear that neither of them would back down. Their fight was not just about territory or power; it was a test of strength, will, and ultimately, survival.
For Moony it was survival, love, reconnection, for the other wolf it was about power, about orders, about greatness.

The conflict seemed destined to end in bloodshed, the other wolf lunged at Moony and he didn't dodge. A long and ugly scrape ran through his torso and he owned at the moon him pain, but not for long, their fight was almost done, with Moony hurting he tried to get away, to run again, but the wolf took confidence and starting clasping his teeth into his skin and he whined and whined, the air started to smell of blood, his blood, who was falling on the ground.

Moony was crying in pain.
He could not move anything.
His skin was on fire.

He started to back up with the little strength he had and the other wolf was taking pleasure in seeing him like that, owning like crazy like it was a victory.
And indeed it was.
The black and big wolf was ready to jump straight on him, to finish him with his teeth to make him bleed until he took his last breath.

But- Tom?

It was him?

Tom jumped instead.

He jumped on the bad wolf and he gave him time to run a bit, but he was losing blood so it was easy to track him down again.
The first ray of sun started rising, the night was almost finished and Moony was still alive.
Thanks to Tom. He was scared of what would happen to him so he turned and he saw, Moony fucking saw his wolf, his friend, his fellow, being bitten by the other one, the big and black one.

And Moony was a crazy wolf, because he should ran away, given the distraction Tom gave him, Moony should just thank the deity and go away.
But Moony couldn't.
Moony couldn't abandon Tom like that.
Not after he had saved him.

So he turned and jumped on the black wolf who was tearing his wolf part.
Mine, mine, mine.
Moony was screaming that.
Don't touch what is mine.

And for a moment the black wolf seemed to back up, seemed a bit shocked, scared, he could smell his uneasiness, and Moony giggled, moved his tail, and attacked again. The battle raged again, now they were two against one, both injured, both scared but- it was something-

Morning dawned suddenly. Between one heartbeat and the next, Remus was no longer a wolf running with his brethren. He came to himself in a painful way, groaning, with the blood that dribbled from his mouth, blinking at the bright morning sun.
After a night spent roaming the woods in the dark, fighting and worse- well- everything was hyper saturated. Greens seemed brighter and more verdant than before. Yellows more golden, reds were eye-searingly bright, like his werewolves senses remained.

Remus collapsed on the ground, his body wasn't incapable of holding himself up anymore, he tried, he really tried to get up but he couldn't, his hands were not holding him, his legs were shaking, his mind was fuzzy for the blood loss, he couldn't even protect his mate, his first- he didn't know what to call him- Tom.

He didn't remembered much, his werewolf memory not enough to cover those hours, but he just knew about Tom. He just knew that- that he saved his life.

Greyback, even though he was losing some blood from his torso and his legs seemed relentless, walking towards him with a big grin. And fuck- fuck. Fuck. He couldn't even cry he was too too tired, too- too- his vision began fuzzy- his head spinning-

"Remus" Greyback growled and Remus moaned- "I suppose I'm impressed- at the end you made a wolf yours" he clapped his hands together and Remus couldn't even reply to him. "Unfortunately he'll be alone within minutes. Ups." And he laughed, a fucking terrifying laugh.

"D-d-don't-" he hissed in pain "S-sstop-"

"What? You aren't even capable of grabbing your own wand, weak" and maybe he was right, but he didn't know because he fell unconscious and everything went black.

-----------------

Well- truth be told, Regulus had been too confident.
There were a lot of werewolves in that area and even the packs were many and scattered along a vast amount of land, so Regulus had to do a lot of trick to be here right in time.
It was getting stressful, really.

"I'm a bit disappointed, If I must say" Regulus came into the view, they were the only one out there, the other werewolves went back in the shelter, to mend at their injuries and to sleep a bit.

Remus Lupin was not- good.
But he couldn't have done anything while they were werewolves.
Okay helping them out, but he was neither a martyr not a stupid. Going there while they were transformed it meant being torn apart, literally.

"Who the fuck are you, human? In a pack territory? After a full moon. Are you dumb?"

"I'm a Death Eater" he shown his arms to the man and recognition took part on his face.

"The Dark Lord wanted to control me? I'm finishing right now, you can tell this to your master" he flinched at that word. He had no master. Voldemort was nothing to him. A no body.

Regulus hummed without responding.
"Well- you didn't do a good job, what an alpha you are, you weren't even able to kill him in your feral form." And this made Greyback growl angrily towards him.
Okay- he was playing with fire but he couldn't really stop himself.

"The deal was to kill him and I'm about to do it, so fuck off"

"What if we made a better one?" And Greyback grinned, his sharp canines ready to bite him, it was not the full moon, not anymore but well- a bite would have hurt nonetheless. And Greyback was crazy- maybe he had the rabies.

"Uh oh and do tell me- what do you propose?"

"Let's say that the Lord is indisposed right now" Regulus started walking slowly towards him, trying to keep his interest elevated. "And let's say I'm powerful enough to hold his treat if he would came back, so why do I have to wait him, like a good doggie?" He smiled wildly, matching his wolfish one. "Sorry for the metaphor with the dog, no remorse, right? But well- as I was saying- I want to take his place once for all."

"And what will I gain?"

"You'll be in the part who'll win"
And Greyback started to laugh, and Regulus raged with fury.
He would not accept anyone who took him slightly.
He was a lord now, trained by Lords, no wolf, or dog, or rat would make fun of him.
No one.

"I don't even know your name, instead, The Dark Lord is feared everywhere. So why do I have to trust you? Who do you think you are?" Regulus clicked his tongue again his palate, not satisfied with the response.

"I'm the Lord Regulus Black, your ignorance is almost embarrassing"

"Okay, let's do this- first I kill him, then I'll kill you. We'll see which one of us will be embarrassing when dead" Greyback grinned and Regulus rolled his eyes.
Really?
What an idiot.

"Sectusempra" he said, without really looking and Greyback started screaming form pain and injured that started running on his body. The bloody idiot didn't trust him? The bloody idiot thought the be more powerful than a wizard with a wand pointed up at him? Fine, then he should not complain about this.

Injuries and scratches started forming up on his body, this way no one would even blame him, it was a werewolf act, during a brutally full moon.
Remus John Lupin brute act possibly.

He walked to the unconscious man, and fuck- he was- mmh- maybe worse than expected, but- well- not completely his fault this time. But he really needed him awake him now.
He sat across his lap, slapping him on the cheek.

"Wake up, princess" he said and Remus just murmured, but his eyes were still closed. Not waking up, mmh?
"Wake up" he slapped his cheek stronger and he was almost sorry if Remus wasn't bleeding on his best suit, was dying in front of him and was making his life a lot harder.
"I said, wake the fuck up" and finally, finally, Remus opened his eyes, grumbling something, blood slipping down.

"I'll call help but now you have to listen to me, okay Remus?" He tried to keep his head straight, so the eyes would meet. "Are you here Remus?" No, no he wasn't.

"Sirius?"
That was enough proof that Remus Lupin, was indeed not there with him.

"Not quite, but I'll pass that. Say with me: you killed Greyback."

"You came after all-" Remus smiled and Regulus almost gagged, Remus was entirely wrapped around his brother's finger. He would take this on his grave.
Hoping it would not be today.

"Yes, yes, yes. Now, repeat with me: you killed Greyback. Come on Remus, help me" he was closing his eyes again so he slapped his cheek once more.

"You killed Greyback" Remus mumbled and Regulus cursed.
He would have gone crazy.
He was going crazy.

"I- fucking dumbass- I killed Greyback"
Remus furrowed his eyebrows, moving for the first time, to look at the corpse lying on the ground, and the his hands.
"I killed Greyback, come on Remus."

"I- I killed Greyback" he said still uncertain but more unconscious than conscious.

"Good" he grimaced, if Remus remembered anything of that night would have called it a lucky day. "Now, call for Moody"
But Regulus found that he was asking too much at the injured man right now.
And fuck- what- what could he do?
"Fuck Remus tell me you could send a patronus, please Remus, please, please, please, please. I can't."

"Stay with me Sirius?" Regulus came down from Remus lap and he opted for staying near him, while thinking.
He didn't- he didn't try to do a patronus after some failed attempt.
He couldn't find something strong good for him to form one.

James, James, James.
Please, please, please.
I need- I need your help.
One, just this one time.

"Expecto Patronum" but nothing came out from his wand, not a single bit of magic and he cursed. Remus needed help now.
So Regulus, think slight. He needs help.
Just once.
Just this time, I need it just- just today.
Never again. Never, never, never, let me save Remus Lupin.

"Please Merlin let me save Remus, please, please" he whispered among himself, trying at the same to get warm Remus' body who was freezing cold, and to think about his childhood.
Something would be good.
Anything would be good.

So obviously he thought of James, of his fingers roaming his body, making a permanent mark on his skin, in his bones, on his soul. His touch was magic because James had been able to enter in his mind and never let him go. More than the dark mark, because if the dark mark was an image of power, of weakness, of wrong choices, James' mark had nothing bad on him.
Please, please, please, just be enough.

"Expecto Patronum" and this time spark of magic came out, he bubbled out a laugh of happiness he was not completely ruined, his soul was not completely Black.
But it was not enough.
Not enough to save Remus.

But then he thought about two green eyes.
Two green eyes who watching him from a crib.
A loud giggle escaping from Harry's lips, his Harry. His bond.
The baby who Regulus saved.
And Regulus who was saved by a baby.
Harry, just Harry, his Harry, their Harry.
Who needed Remus, who needed his uncle.

"Expecto Patronum!" He said almost tiring himself out, it had been more difficult to do this little thing than every fucking mission, he was drained to the bone, but he did it.
He did it.
Here it was.

A beautiful stag running wild, a stag-?
Not- not a cat-? Oh Merlin- what the hell was that?
But he couldn't bring himself to care right now, the stag was walking around him, trotting happily and he laughed.
He really laughed for the first time-
He was so happy he could jump, or scream or-

"Tell Moody to come here immediately, or Lupin will die. He'll know where" he said quickly to the stag who trotted away fast, disappearing in the forest.

"Here Lupin, they'll be here soon, you're safe, you're safe, you're safe" he kept saying hoping that it was real and it was not only in his imagination.

"Can you hold my hand Sirius?" And yes- he had not the heart to tell him no. Not after that night, not after the fact that he could be the last person seeing him alive, not after Remus Lupin had to support that every month.
He took his hand and Remus smiled, between a bit of blood that fell from his mouth.

"I'm sorry Sirius, I'm so sorry. I trust you, forgive me" and well- that was something. He understood more with those few words than in half his life.
They argued.
The sap of his brother argued with his golden boy?
Interesting.
And the fact that Remus was apologizing, so it had been his fault?
I trust you.
What did that mean?
He didn't trust him.
When? Where? Why?

"It's okay Remus. You are okay. You are safe. Just stay awake for a bit of a time, okay?"

"And you'll forgive me?" Remus slurred a bit about the last part and Regulus' heart clenched. He was so nice, so sweet. Like a baby.

"Yes Remus, Yes. I'll forgive you. If you'll live I'll forgive you." He started stroking his hair with his free hand while with the other he kept holding him.

But Remus closed his eyes so at the end it was all in vain.

Regulus had to go away but he hoped everything would turn out fine.
He hoped Moody did his fucking job, because at that time neither he or Albus were doing anything good. James, Lily and Remus would be dead if it was for them.
Fucking useless.

He hoped that the next one wouldn't be his brother.
He would have exploded with anger at that.

"Good luck Remus, you are a good one" and he vanished into thin air while Moody arrived fast and breathless but still too late.

Chapter Text

Christmas 1966,

The Black family decided to spend the Christmas in France, but well- for them Christmas was only a festivity in which invite some guests and talk about the same topics, like blood purity, power and work.
It was the best moment in which form alliances and thinking of the future, make the sons meet, organize some weddings, some arranged marriages and all that-

Things that Sirius found extremely boring.

He didn't understand anything about that and he couldn't make the effort of staying in and still all day, listening to his parents talk and give him angry looks because he was too fidgety or too talkative.

Boring, boring, boring.

So, after hours of wining and blabbing, he was finally able to obtain the permission from his parents to go outside and play a bit with his brother regulus.
It was really an achievement for him.
Finally, finally they could do something tangible.

Sirius, was the adventurous type, always eager to explore, while Regulus, still little, was more cautious, preferring the comfort of familiar surroundings, he didn't give a fuck to his parents talking he like to draw or to read a child book and he could stay still for all day, without complain.
But he managed to convince him to go outside.
Not that it was that difficult, Regulus loved him, Regulus loved playing with his brother, Sirius was the only one who could bring Reggie out of his shell and he was very honored about this.

They were the best.
Brothers.
Companions.
Friends. Best friends.

Where one went the other went too.
They were always together, even though Regulus was little and his legs still short, he could manage to follow him everywhere.
And Sirius was his big brother.
Sirius would protect him to death.
Regulus was his.

So they went out, the landscape beautiful, France under the snow was something to see, the white blanket that seemed to almost glow under the early afternoon sun, the flakes that came down copiously tickling his nose and resting all over him, giving him a kind of tickle. Regulus' smile that equaled the whiteness of the snow.
It was not usual for Sirius to see his brother so free, carefree, and he smiled with him because Regulus was just so cute, so innocente, so pure.

"Hey, Regulus, catch this!" Sirius exclaimed the brother, tossing a snowball towards him. But it wasn't a snowball; it was a cunningly packed ball of ice.
Sirius smirked.

"'Hlow" Regulus slushed a bit, laughing. His brother had a problem with the S that made him cuter than he already was. He was a chummy child, so much so that everyone tried to tackle and cuddle him, his mother obviously thought that it was very embarrassing as a Black because they must be always put together and all that shit, so she was upset every time it happened but Sirius thought that it was just so nice.

"Good! Now you do it!" Sirius shouted when Regulus caught the ball and the they both laughed when Regulus tried to do another and throw it at him, falling into his steps.

"Come on Reggie" he screamed starting to run away from Reggie and his little brother quickly decided to follow him, laughing his heart out and Sirius was just so happy, happy, happy to hear him laugh like this. Because he did deserve that.

And he loved Regulsu so much.
So fucking much.
He would have died for him on the spot.
He- eh would have gone everywhere for him-

"'Irius!" They stop in the proximity of the lake to take breath and well-

"I love you so much Reggie-" Sirius said with a big grin smile. He loved him, he loved him, he loved him, he loved him.

"I-" but even before he could say anything he was pushed in the iced lake by their cousin who laughed maniacally. His brother eyes big and scared, his lips trembling, his hands trying to hold himself up, but he fell nonetheless.

And that was when-

Well- when the hell started.

And Sirius- he would blame himself because if he had not been so annoying and if he had stayed inside the house, behaving like a good child, like he was supposed to do and he should not had insisted to go out.
And- Well- his brother would have been fine, okay, and he wouldn't have been so scared.

Bellatrix probably went out to call them, but evidently she thought better of it and when she caught up about their excitement, like the jealous git she was, she pushed his brother in the middle of the lake.
She couldn't support joy or happiness.
She was just a cunt.
A fucking and crazy cunt.
Even when she was younger.

Regulus was still unaware of the danger lurking beneath the frozen surface, he was just trying to understand his surroundings.

He was five.

He was five and Bellatrix pushed him to scare him, but the ice was thin, thin, thin and it was cracking, like his heart in that moment.

He- he didn't- he couldn't- Regulus.

He had one thought in that moment.
Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus.
Just him.

"REGULUS! What are you doing you witch!" But Bellatrix only laughed and entered in the house humming under her breath.

"Good luck, the ice is thin"

And well- With a sudden a louder crack, the ice gave way, swallowing Regulus into its icy depths. He found himself tumbling into the icy depths of the lake, his cries for help muffled by the chilling embrace of the water. Panic seized the air as Sirius, his older and more agile cousin, sprang into action. With swift determination, he braved the freezing waters, reaching out to pull Regulus from the icy grip below.
"'irius!" His brother screamed.

Without a moment's hesitation, Sirius sprang into action, his instincts overriding any fear or doubt. With swift determination, he plunged into the icy depths, reaching for his struggling brother.
The icy water stung Reggie's skin, numbing his limbs as Sirius struggled to keep him afloat. With every ounce of strength, he fought against the frigid currents, refusing to let go of his brother to the icy embrace of the lake.

"Reggie! Take my hand! Quick!"

Shivers racked their bodies as the biting cold gnawed at their senses.
"Regulus!" cried again Sirius, his heart pounding with fear as he watched his younger brother plunge into the freezing waters. Regulus was going down, he didn't know how to swim, and the water was so cold-

"Grab my hand, Regulus! Hold on tight!" Sirius urged, his voice tinged with urgency as he extended his hand towards his frightened sibling.

Save Regulus. Sirius repeated it like a prayer, like he could force it to come about through sheer will power. Like his arm could gain strength with his mind.

But he couldn’t. Sirius couldn’t even muster up that will, the iron control that usually let him push past his limits, play until his arms burned, fight until he won. Now his body wanted to give up, wanted to lie on the floor and scream and scream and scream like he hadn’t done in a decade.

Regulus, gasping for air and trembling with cold and fear, grasped Sirius's hand with all his might, clinging to him like a lifeline.
"'irius! I'm scared"
He was almost under the water, his arm incapable of pulling him on.

"SOMEONE! SOMEONE CAN COME?" he screamed with all of his lungs, he screamed for someone to hear him but no one. No one came. No one was able to hear him.
"PLEASE ANYONE!"

His brother's kin was becoming almost blue, his lips trembled he wanted to cry but Reggie wasn't even able to do that.
"irius-"

"Shh- I know- I know that it's scaring but I'm here- I'm here. I'll save you- we'll be okay."

"My- my h-hands- I'm cold" he felt his brother letting go a bit and he panicked. No.
No. It meant that his brother's life was over if he let his hand go.

"Please. Please, Regulus I know- a little bit- a little bit. It's okay-" and he had to be stronger.
He had to save him.
He had to save his little brother.
Please, please,please, let me save him.
Please, please, please.

With a herculean effort, Sirius pulled his brother to safety, his own strength waning against the icy currents. As they collapsed onto the snowy shore, panting and shivering, relief flooded over him like a warm blanket.
But he couldn't wait. His brother was immobile. He didn't seem to even breathe, his lips blue, his skin blue, his fingers straight as icicles, his legs trembling, his hands red.

"Come on Reggie, come on!" But he didn't move.
He couldn't move.
He was almost frozen almost to death. So he had to carry him inside, and he did. He did because he had to. Because it was his bother and he would save him.

So Sirius quickly took him inside, freezing to death, his pale turned blue, he's not sure Regulus was still breathing anymore, he just- he just have to- have to- have to-

"Please! Please save him!" He didn't drop a single tears out there, he needed to be strong for his brother but now Regulus was catatonic and he's crying for him.

"What happened?" Was his mother first question, addressing them with his glaze, Sirius felt a shiver along his back, there wasn't an int of worry in her eyes and that scared him. regulus was trembling in his hands and their mother were witnessing it without doing a thing.

"Bellatrix pushed him! Please Mother help him!" He explained quickly.
They had to help him.
They had to help him.
The had to help him.

"It's not good to act like this in front of guest, Sirius you already know that" and right there Sirius understood that his mother didn't give a single fuck about them
That he hated them.
That Regulus could have died that day and she would have gone on like always.

Fortunately there was his uncle.
"Shut up Walpurga, I couldn't believe you are thinking of this when your son is dying at your feet" he quickly got up and tried to warm Regulus, who looked worsened than before. And before was already bad.

"If Bellatrix did push him, she did good. My sons needs a little of backbone. And Regulus doesn't have any" his father said instead, and Sirius couldn't believe at that.
He was only six years old, he didn't see any other family, but he felt that this was so wrong.
Child must be cherished.
Child must be loved.
And hey we're not.
They were hated.

"Mother, please mother, he- he needs-"

"Shut up, Sirius. I already told you that it's not good. Bring him upstairs and shut up. I'll come when the dinner is finished and the guest have left."

Regulus whimpered in pain and he hated to hear that sound but it meant that he was still alive.
"Burning" Regulus was crying now, or he was trying to but tears were frozen out of his eyes, they didn't drop and- well- it was terrifying.

"I can't believe you, you are pampering him!" His mother huffed going away and Alphard shook his head unbelieving her behavior. "He deserved it, probably. Too weak"

"Come on Sirius let's take him upstairs. He needs to be warm, let's turn a bath" his uncle said to him and he carried Regulus as a sack of sand to his room, trembling and sobbing, his head on the crotch of his uncle neck.
Regulus was so still that for a moment Sirius wasn't sure if he was alive, but when his uncle moved to warm the bathroom and to make the water go the- well Regulus just blown up.

"DON'T! DON'T- DON'T- DON'T" he seemed out of himself, screaming and getting away from then, just to fall some step further, his legs almost immobile, frozen, out.
It was not him.
This was not his brother, the same guy who didn't blink, who didn't talk who didn't cry even when he was little.
Sirius watched him with wide eyes and even his uncle was paralyzed there.
"PLEASE! I'LL BE GOOD! PLEASE"
And Sirius tarted crying again trying to reach for his brother, so traumatized, so scared, so afraid. And it was his fault, only his. Because he was the one who insisted to go out, he was the one who wanted to play.
"I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, PLEASE, PLEASE"

Sirius whole body ached. Sirius swayed as he stood on the ledge, overlooking the situation scared and useless as his brother was crying his panic out.
He opened his mouth and wondered if he would scream after all.
It was a distant thought, as if he was wondering it about someone else.
But nothing ever came anyway.

"Shh- Reggie- hey Reggie- Hey. You are at home, you are safe. Please breathe.” He tried to say but Regulus seemed to not understand a word. He wanted to cry, cry and cry. Oh Regulus, oh dear Reggie.
Sirius clawed his fingernails into the skin of his arm, until the pain grounded him in the moment. He would not fall to pieces when his brother needed him. He would not.

"No- no- no please- no please- water" he was trembling, his lips blue, he needed to get warm he needed to calm down, he needed to be covered.
His uncle stop the bath, opting for a blanked to put on him.

"Okay, okay. No water. See? It's all good. Don't you trust me Regulus? I'm here."
And for a moment Regulus just blinked, his eyes red, his lips stilla bit blue.
Regulus just blinked.
Without really breathing.
Then he moved a little, to go and hug him.
Sirius caught him before he fell forward, before his legs gave out on him and he took Reggie under his blanked, on the bed.
He tried to warm him the best he could, their uncle there, near them, assisting Regulus the best he could, with spells who kept him warmer.

"I trust you"
Regulus said before closing his eyes, so tired, and he caressed his head until his own heartbeat calmed down, until his eyes burned with the image of his brother.
He almost lost him there. He almost saw him disappear under the water, under the ice.
And right now he couldn't let his gaze away from him, scared that if he didn't look for one moment Reggie would disappear away. Away from him.
And he couldn't lose him.
He couldn't lose his little brother.

"Uncle, how do we do with our mother? She doesn't- she will- obly him- and-" the image of their mother flashed in front of his eyes, the way she would have took his brother and make him bath forcefully. The way she would call him weak, making him cry.
He couldn't breathe.
He couldn't breathe.
He needed to protect him, to save his little brother.

He was having a panic attack like his brother did.
His mother would have killed Reggie.
His mother hated them, his mother would have drown him herself.

And his uncle seemed to think the same, because he spread open his eyes, trying to reassure him but from his mouth nothing was coming out.
"Don't worry right now Sirius. I'll think of something. Sleep a bit" his uncle put a hand on his shoulder, smiling a bit, and Regulus scooted neared, snuggling his nose against his neck and finally Sirius smiled a bit too.

And this- this was the day Regulus Black began to be afraid of water.
And it was all Sirius Black's fault.

-------------------

Sirius had been that scared only twice in his life.
And this was the second time.

Moody entered the room bringing the bloodied body of Remus and everyone quickly moved to make him some space, to put Moony on the couch, while Marlene - maybe it wasn't her - called for Poppy to come there as quickly as possible

“What the fuck - oh my God. Remus!?” Lily screamed.
Sirius turned, following the body who was gettin treated.
Sirius turned so quickly, sharp enough to crack some joints, to find Moody and James struggling under most of Remus’s weight. Remus was completely collapsed on him, and Sirius could easily see the bruises, the injuries on his chest, the cuts on his hands, on hid arms, on- on everything.

They took him, washed him out some of the blood, distended him, fetched him some healing potion, they tried the most to prepare him at Poppy's arrival.
But Remus never- never opened his eyes.

And Sirius just watched.
"Remus" he whispered so softly that no one heard him.
God, Sirius was about to fucking explode. He was fucking useless sitting here, just like he’d been useless sitting here for the past week that led to this.

Sirius just watched as Lily tried to do something healing spells, she was the better one of them at that.
"Remus" he whispered again, he couldn't bring his voice to be more audible than that, on that couch there was Moony, his Moony who- who was dying?
Who was dead?

Sirius just watched.
His breath almost stopping, his eyes out of his head, he couldn't. He couldn't- he couldn't- he couldn't- please, please, please-
"Remus" he said for the third time, moving for the first time a step near him, James took him by the arms, conducting him nearer, guiding him like he was a blind man, like he needed actual support, like he was going to crumbled there, in front of that couch, in front of his man.

And now he was nearer and from prospective everything was even worse.
His- his skin was blue from the cold, red from the blood, blue from the injuries and the blood loss- it was almost like a painting- but they were all wrong. Not one shade was right on that body.
“Remus!” Sirius said again, taking one unsteady step back. Why he wasn't responding?
Why, why, why?
Remus, please, Remus, just- just talk to me- Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus.
I'm here, I need you safe, alice.

“ 'irius” he finally gasped, opening his eyes for the first time, but he wasn’t looking at Sirius. He wasn’t looking at James, either. Not so much as he was looking through him. Remus couldn’t seem to focus his eyes, glassy and shining.
And Remus' breaths were ragged, catching on tears, and his face was a mess, too, though not as much as his hands, his chest, his legs.

Everyone else stood in the hallway entry as if in shock, staring at their friends.

“What the fuck, Remus can you hear me?” Moody said this time. He’d gotten his arms on Remus, trying to get his attention and a brutal instinct took over him.
Sirius was now lowering himself at Remus, torching Moody's arm from his boyfriend.

"Don't touch him" he gritted with his teeth, in his eyes a rage no one ever saw, and Moody thought better than challenge him.
Protect him, protect him, protect him, his mind was screaming.

“What happened to you, what-” Remus shook his head unable to talk, to think and Sirius could see him letting go. His shoulders sagged, his head bowed as he caught his breath. Forehead pressed to his chest. Blood that was messing his clothes, his senses, his head.

Sirius choked on his own lightning-sharp anger.
He was too late. He waited too long and now he was too late. He decided to talk to him again after the full moon, he decided to confront him later, to let this once pass and then resolve everything- instead- instead he got Remus injured like this.
Moony probably felt alone, sad, angry, excited, without his pack, without his friends.
So it was his fault. He wanted to scream and cry but right now Remus needed him.

He was alive. And this what all mattered to him.

“Remus,” he said, taking his boyfriend arm to pull him closer.
“Hey. Remus. Hey. You are at home, you are safe. Please breathe with me. Stay awake. We are here, we are here, I'm with you. Can you hear me?”

Remus blinked away his wince and finally, finally focused. His face fell slack as he recognized Sirius and reached for him, shaky with pain and exhaustion, and let himself down into his lap.

Moody followed close enough to look at Remus over with a newly critical eye. Still a little panicked, but remembering enough to look for real injury.
Sirius knew nothing about making this better, but he did his best with the first things that came to mind - tucking Moony against his chest, holding one hand out carefully to examine the damage.
It was bad. It was bad, bad, bad.

"I. Killed. Greyback" he said after some minutes, barely breathing, a whisper in the thin air but enough to get all the room froze. And Moody cursed every words he could think of, and they were a lot.
Greyback?
Greyback.
Greyback was there yesterday.
Yesterday Moony fought Greyback.
Greyback, Greyback, Greyback.
The worst fear of Remus, the man he despised the most, the one who started his nightmares was there yesterday.

"You. killed. Greyback." Remus said after and everyone was even more confused.
But Remus was still too vacant, his breath rugged, his eyes missed him and everyone else in the room, his lips bleeding as the rest of his body, his lungs probably punched, they couldn't took his words. They were probably caused but the blood loss or the injury at his head.

"Who. Lupin! What me! Who killed Greyback!" And Remus winced away, his eyes blinking awake, his breath coming out raggedy, whimpering in pain, letting out a scared cry and Sirius felt a rage in his bones that scared even himself.

"Shut up Moody. Not now. Don't you see he's fucking out of himself?" Dorcas said, her fists clenching and Sirius was fucking grateful because he would have hit Moody without a fucking second thought.
But instead he decided to think about Remus.

Remus knuckles were torn and bloody. The rest of his hand was slashed through with something sharp, smearing yet more blood against his palm. His body- he didn't even want to start listening at the injuries on his body.

And at that Poppy appeared, like a fucking vision.

She didn't even waited two second before starting gettin out everything from her purse. Her hands were trembling a bit, her breath rough, but she was working meticulously on Remus body, looking with her eyes and assessing at his injuries.

“Fucking hell-, Sirius, move from there! Get me another kit from the bathroom! Lily here! I need you to prepare something for me, right now. Sirius stay here and keep him wake! He couldn't lose consciousness until I assess his head injury.”

The shuffling from the hallway must have been Lily doing just that, Sirius wasn’t really paying attention but he motioned near Remus' body like a machine. Automatically.
“Remus,” he said, trying to keep him awake him a little. Remus groaned, closing his eyes and he tapped his cheek lightly because he couldn't- couldn't let him fall asleep.

"Remus please, stay awake for me" but his voice trembled, he was scared out of himself and Remus must have heard that because he snapped his eyes open.

“Don’t worry Pads,” Remus managed with his voice rough and breathless.
“I’m fine-” but then he tensed, opening his teary eyes, but he was not looking at anything, he cried again a mix between pain and suffering.
“He was behind me. Sirius- he was there- he” his breath increased, his chest was moving like crazy and that- that was not good, he cried in pain again, trying to put a hand on his torso but Poppy was working on that spot and kept Remus' hand away.
Remus moved again- he was only getting his injuries worse.

"Sirius, keep him calm- I need him awake but not like this!" Poppy said seriously, working with every bone she had in her body. And fuck-

“No, Remus, no, no, no” he said trying to calm him down. “He’s not here anymore. You’re at James' house, I’m watching the door. He won’t get to you. Okay? I'm here, I'm here love. I'm here.”

Remus stilled under his hands, pausing and assessing his surroundings before nodding weakly, his eyes closing again.
"No, no, no talk to me, Remus, talk. Anything- stay awake."

“Gonna- back- have to- Tom- Tom - pack- there- alpha- me” Remus said with a lot of effort, words that didn't make a lot of sense in his head, what was he trying to say? But it was better than nothing.

"Remus don't think about that, you'll not have to go back again- don't worry-"

But Moody caught up to that like mouse with cheese.
"Yes- he'll need to go and make them follow you as soon as possible be-"

“He will not,” Monty said sharply coming into his peripheral vision.
Monty and Effie were bringing Harry at home for the morning.
From- how much- what did they see?
How long had he been there watching?

"What?" Moody said, watching him with his two big eyes.

"He'll- fucking hell Moody- are you seeing him? He will not return there. I'll protect him with my life if I have" Monty gritted out, his composure almost gone.

"This is our occasion" Moody started to explain like he was talking to a toddler who didn't understand the gold he had in his hands. "Greyback is dead- I think- and he can finally make them follow him. With the werewolves we can finish this war-"

"I don't fucking care, he's like a son to me. He will never- return there. Not if the price to pay is his life"

"You are exaggerating. He's fine. He's still breathing and I call that fine. And moreover Albus will not be-"

"Albus can go and fuck himself for all I care. He should came here. Where he is? And you are calling bleeding yourself out on a couch fine? If you didn't- how did he return?"
And well- Monty- fuck- he was raging against Moody like he never did.
And- go- fuck- go.
We are not games, we are not dolls, we are not pawns who can be sacrificed.

"Someone send me a patronus, I thought of James because it was a-"

"Sirius-" Remus said interrupting their dialogue.
"Can- hold- hand-" he stretched out his hand. "Like you did there?"
And Sirius like everyone else froze.
And what?-

"What? There? Where?"

"Shelter. You said that- you would forgive me if I- if I would keep my eyes open" and he shrugged arching his eyebrows.
What the hell was he saying?
He was not there.

"Confusion can be common with a lot of blood loss. I don't know what he saw there while injured, he couldn't have imagined you, when I'll replenish his blood he'll be better and understand what really happened" Poppy said, arching her eyebrows with him. "But- I think that- well. he seems better- he talks a bit-"

But well- not for long.

Remus was in pain and exhausted. Most of the cuts were deep and bloody, broken skin on his knuckles must have been from fighting back, broken bones - Sirius thought mostly the ribs - and scratches. So he closed his eyes.
And well- he didn't open them again, for a lot of time.
"Let him sleep" Poppy said suddenly and Sirius just nodded but as the hours passed and Remus didn't wake up he became more anxious. He was scared that his head injury was worse than- but Poppy was the best. So he just had to trust her.

But time passed.

And it passed again.

Time.

So much time.

Too much time.

Too much- Remus- Remus- Please- wake up-
He didn't know how many hours passed but he needed him to wake up. He needed to see his hazel eyes, to see his gaze on him, to look at him.

And Sirius didn’t let himself move while Poppy returned to see his injuries,his scrapes almost all closed, new scars would be formed but- well- he didn't care, Sirius liked them.
Because they were a part of Remus he couldn't say they were pretty but they formed him and he loved all of him.So even when Remus thought to be someone ugly, he cherished him with kisses and praises and well- Remus melted at that.
He was tough but not about his look.

James had retreated again first he bounced through the room and hummed and then he sat on his heels near the couch. James hadn’t taken his eyes from Remus. And he looked as haunted as him.
Sirius knew about James' problems once he returned from the hospital and he couldn't imagine what was going on inside his head right now.

So Sirius wanted to say so many things to confort him, but right now he didn't have any strength. He just wanted to cradle into his best friend's arms and cry his eyes out.
Sirius almost lost himself in his thoughts right then and there, holding Remus when he could, when Poppy let herself rest for a bit, when she couldn't do anything else, before James cut in with a kind but demanding tone,

“Padfoot.”

Sirius slowly realized he was holding a bit too tightly Remus hands.
Remus had tensed in his arms, opening his eyes a bit out of him and he let him go immediately.
"Sorry I didn't mean honey" but Remus turned his face into Sirius's hands and hoodie to wipe his eyes from former tears and the drying blood that had been left there.

“Sirius,” Remus said. His voice was breathless, but steadier.
“I know you- Don’t - don’t get angry, it wasn’t your fault, okay?”

It was, it was Sirius' fault.

“Nothing’s messing with his movements,” Poppy said and she seemed really exhausted. “So even though the injuries were deep nothing like a tendon or anything sliced. I just don’t know how far up the cuts go or about his head injury. You must keep it checked very carefully.”

“I feel like shit-” Remus whispered roughly, blinking his eyes open.

Poppy glanced up to his face, preoccupied.
“Well- I mean- you scared us Remus. You could have died if Moody didn't came right in time and they called me immediately. You- it was bad-"
But Remus didn't hear that part, Remus drifted into sleep once again, he couldn't even thank Poppy and he always thanked here for all of their work.

“Merlin Remus, you scared us” Lily muttered in disbelief, caressing his cheek while he slept through it. This was the first time they saw him like this, so- so devastated.
She tended to Remus with a gentleness he wasn’t sure he was physically capable of anymore, too preoccupied, too angry, too worried, too sad.

"We are so glad you are alive" James whispered, his voice broken like he was stopping himself from crying.

"You should call his mum" Sirius muttered and Monty nodded, getting the phone, something they used to talk with Remus' mum who was muggleborn and didn't have anything portkey in the house.

And Sirius zoned out again while he waited.
And waited again.

And he felt so bad because he couldn’t help the pain, or the aching, or the exhaustion or whatever must be going on in Remus’ head now. Remus had fought so hard and maybe he didn’t even know he was safe yet, maybe- maybe- no Greyback was dead.

Was he really?

Or Remus mind did a bad joke to him and to his memory?
And if Remus wasn’t holding onto him, Sirius would already have been out, following the drops of blood, the scent that Remus must have left as Padfoot.
If Greyback wasn't dead, today he would surely be.

Sirius needed to go out.
To revenge him.
But he was on the verge of a panic attack and Remus needed to sleep so he let him alone for some time. He wanted to go in the bathroom and puke everything, he wanted to scream out his lungs against Moody and Albus.
Why they were doing this to him?
Why, why, why?

First his brother.
Then Peter.
After James and Lily.
Now Remus.

What- what that the fate wanted from him again?
What the hell did he have to give him again?
Please, please, please, just stop, let everything stop.

"I can't, I can't, I can't anymore" he posed his head on the sink of the bathroom.
He bit his lips he didn't want to cry, or he would explode. He press the back of his hands into his eyes to prevent him from crying. "Stop, stop, stop, I can't be like this anymore, I can't it's too difficult."

Please, stop that mother fucker, stop everything, stop the war, stop the pain, sto the death, stop the time.
He wanted to go back, to when they shared a room at Hogwarts, when they laughed at midnight jokes, when they partied all night, when they planned pranks, when they were given detention.
Everything- literally he missed everything from that time.
"Stop, stop, stop, stop, please, stop" he sobbed into his hands, kneeling in front of the bath on the cold floor, trying to stop himself from going absolutely crazy.
He couldn't do it anymore, the thoughts were too many, his head was exploding, his temples were hurting like hell. He couldn't- stop, stop, stop, to many memories, too many- please- stop.

In and out.
In and out.
In and out.

Sirius went down in the kitchen, almost mechanically, tears still on his cheeks.
He knew what he could do to stop the thoughts.
Yes, It was something crazy.
Yes, he shouldn't do that right now.
But Remus was sleeping, and he needed to stop his head from functioning.

He really couldn't stay sober for another hour.

Poppy was resting, explaining what she did to Lily. Monty was rounding around Remus while watching Moody. James was with Harry. And Marlene had Dorcas in her embrace.
So he had free way. He wanted to drink every ounce of alcohol he would found in that house, he wanted to forget everything for some hours, he wanted to feel numb, to not think, to- to-

But not everything went as planned.

James, the usual James.
"Sirius” James said, following after him. “We’re worried about you.”

“There will nothing to worry about in a minute.” Sirius opened the cabinet and pulled out a fresh bottle of whiskey, trying to decide if he had to drunk it with a glass or from the bottle itself.
James yanked it out of his hand.
“You do not want to fuck with me right now James.”
A strange gleam in Sirius' eyes, but James was not scared of him, instead he was worried sick for him so he didn't back up, the fool.

“I’m worried about you.”

“I do not want nor need your worry.” Sirius reached for the bottle but James yanked it out of his grasp and threw it on the ground, letting it bust. Sirius stared at the mess, feeling a horrible maniac laugh bubble in his throat. He clenched his fists, trying to calm the anger radiating through his body.
“James,” he warned. "Don't-"

"Come here, Sirius. Stop this bullshit-" James opened his arms at him. "Come here, come on."
He watched him for a few second before grabbing him tight, his arms circling his torso with strength, he loved James' hug, he loved that he hugged him like he depended on it.
And whatever wall he had been trying to keep up, broke. Whatever thing he was trying to hide from him crumbled at his feet.
He inhaled painfully on a sob he tried to contain while tears coated his cheeks, again.

Sirius was very adamant of never being seen like this.
Because he couldn't- he couldn't, couldn't, couldn't.
It felt like his heart was breaking.

This was his fault. He caused this. If he hadn’t been so goddamn selfish, maybe Remus wouldn’t have been in the wreck in the first place. If he hadn't treated Remus like shit for a week maybe he would have stayed at Hogwarts for the full moon, with Pads and Prongs.
If he had been a better partner maybe Remus would have told him about his missions.
If he had been a better friend maybe Remus wouldn't have questioned him being the traitor.

"It's my fault- it's everything- I'm to blame- I'm" James watched him in pure horror and he sank in his arms even more.

“Don’t-” James says sternly. “Don’t start blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. Merlin, how could you even think like that?" But Sirius already knew that. "Remus- Remus will never think that of you." He was not sure about that, he would soon see if Remus wanted to see him again or not. He fucked up.

But Sirius right now, couldn’t focus on problems he couldn’t fix.
For now, he had to focus on getting Remus the help he needed. He dried his tears on James shoulder and he was ready to go there, again.

"It's okay James- I'm fine- I'm better. Let's- let's go to Remus, now. My silly thought is gone, sorry. I don't want to drink my weight in alcohol anymore. Forget that. I must be strong for Remus."

"If you need a break I can understand, we are all here-"

"No- Remus is too injured, I can't be- I can't stay away now." James nodded insecure.
He was not sure himself.
But he was pretty sure that Remus needed him now, so- well they could only go ahead.
Never back up.

"Sirius" Remus mumbled, just opening his eyes a little to watch him and he smiled at his boyfriend. He was- really better than before. A little bit of color was returning in his cheeks. The blood was washed off.
"Sirius- I'm- where am I?"

Poppy watch him from the other side of the couch, if she noted his red eyes she didn't say anything.
"I think he's catching up with everything that's happened. His mind didn't have had the time yet and he's doing it now." And Sirius nodded.

"Greyback- he-" Remus shivered, they all saw his skin get up, like he was remembering everything and he quickly placed himself near him.

He swallowed hard and said, “Do you not trust me Moony? I’m right here. I’ll protect you. No one else will lay a finger on you, I promise. Greyback is far from here. You killed him, right?” He held his hand out towards Remus in silent question. Remus took his hands without a second doubt, but he didn't respond him, like he was thinking at something.

"I trust you" he whispered then, closing his eyes, Sirius' hands near his chest, his breath still a bit rough. "Can you stay here?" He mumbled again after a little and Sirius almost started to cry again.

“I’m right here," Sirius whispered. "I’m not going anywhere." Remus body sagged against his, hands fisted into Sirius hoodie, well- Remus hoodie that he was using as his.

As Sirius watched Remus got his sleep he selfishly wanted to hold him and never let him go.
But he already knew that even with Monty's treat Albus would need Remus.
They needed him to turn all the packs.
And- and only Remus could do that job, because he was the best.

But that didn't mean that Sirius would let him go so easily.

Chapter Text

Christmas 1977 / Start of January, 1978

"Albus- Albus we need- we need to take action" Minerva stumbled into the officer of the Headmaster, still soiled with blood, the blood of a sixteen years old boy, the blood of a child, the blood caused by none other than parents, the one whom should protect their kid, did this.

They willingly almost killed their child.

They willingly left him there, rotting in his own blood, drowning in his own misery, scared, alone.

They willingly hurt him until he was no more awake.

She still saw his closed eyes, his bloodied curls, his body trembling for the curses. Crucio curse, Poppy said to her and she trembled in fear and in pain for the younger Black.
What monsters they were?

She already had imagined it, when first Sirius came at Hogwarts and he started doing his trick and his prank with his friends, he had been scared to hell when Minerva said to him to go into her study because he would have received a punishment.

And- well- Sirius came.

His eyes wide open, his mouth open agape, but he entered the door with his chin up, the sleeves of his shirt turned on, his fist clenched.

"I'm used to this" he rolled up his sleeves a bit more, and she saw slashed stretches along his arms. "I'm not scared" he continued and Minerva felt guilt.
She felt his blood froze but she already knew that some families used that way to behave their child. Black were not the best parents a child could ask for, she already saw that with the three sisters when they first came, but she didn't know the damage.

"Mister Black, I'm not going to hurt you, I'm gonna ask you to clean something up, so you'll understand your lesson"
And she watched as his mouth took the form of an 'O'.
She already wanted to protect him.

"Oh- okay. That's good." He smirked and she knew that he surely would not understand nothing from that detention, no lessons, nothing at all. But she was happier that way.

"Mister Black, now Gazza will show you what to do." Sirius moved to go but then he stopped himself and returned to her, his eyes watching her frame carefully.

"Professor, can I ask you something?" She nodded at him, watching carefully his face, almost scared of his request. "Could you perhaps call me Sirius?"

"It's used to us professors, to address to their student by their last name, you know that."

"Yeah I know, I know, it's just-" he was so young but si measured with his words, like he was trying to tell her something but at the same time scared that it was something that could cause him some harm.

"Are you asking me because there is a particular reason why you want me to address you with your first name?" Minerva said, watching carefully at him, as he bounced on his legs and bit his lips.

"It's just that I don’t really- uhm- like my parents and- I don't want the reminder. We are here and they are not so- I thought that if it was possible- I could be seen as a different person, separate from them." He shrugged his eyebrows, like he himself was not sure about what he was saying, but she understood him.

"Very well. I think that we can make an exception at the tradition, Sirius." She quirked a smile seeing his eyes grow big with excitement. If it meant to make him feel better she would have twisted all of the tradition that school had. She was a human, a woman and a mom to his students before being a professor.

"Thank you professor!" Sirius said trotting out of her office and- well- she didn't know yet what she brought to her. A real menace.

"Minerva, what happened to your clothes, they are dirty" Albus slowly got up, with his usual cadence, unperturbed, like she came here bearing gifts and not with wet clothes, tears along her cheeks and blood that wasn't hers.

"We need- we need to save him, the younger Black. Regulus" she stuttered, it wasn't her thing, she always was collected, she always seemed strong and serious, after so many years of practice she was able to cover up her emotions around her students.
But that didn't meant- didn't meant that-

"I understand." Albus said humming, but he did nothing, he didn't move, he stood there, watching her with those glasses.
Minerva imagined him more shaken, ready to barge in his house and save him, take him out, at the Potters or with her if that was the case, but he just stood there.
She knew him well, he was not used to do something out of his everyday life, but- there was Regulus safety so she thought today could be an exception.

"They asked him to take the mark and he said no. They killed him. His heart stopped to beat for a moment. He's alive because the house elf came to me." Minerva explained quickly. Maybe knowing that Regulus didn't want to take the mark snapped Albus out of his trance, but no.
She knew that thinking like this was wrong, that thinking that someone was wroth saving only if he was good, only if he followed the light was extremely incorrect, but she hoped that maybe- maybe could move something.
But Minerva saw nothing in Albus eyes.

"I can't do nothing for him, Minerva. He's underaged, a minor, so under his parents' jurisdiction."

"You did it for Sirius" she responded. She didn't understand. They- Sirius- why not Regulus? Why not him?

"Sirius is different"

"Because he's good? A Gryffindor?" She was gettin angry, she was so tired of this. She saw her fucking student gettin hurt and she couldn't do nothing?
What the hell?
In what world they were living in?
Why?

"Because I need him where he is. I need him next to Lupin. And I'll need him in the future in the Order."

"For you it's always something else, right? Not the person but what you could achieve from them, right? Can't you see that we are talking about a teenager being beaten up? Can't you see how sick this is? Can't- what? What should Regulus do for you, for being worthy?"

"I already told him, and he said no. Question closed."

"Question open. What did you ask him, Albus?" She was speechless.
She couldn't believe that a student went to his headmaster asking for help, asking for a guide, to the only men who could province him so, and that man turned the kid down. She- she felt disgusted.

"I asked him to take the mark for me. To be my spy. As I always said we need one. Voldemort is becoming more powerful as the day goes on and we can't be unprepared like this. We need someone to do that. And I would have took action for later, I would have spared him the prison, Azkaban. But he said no."

She couldn't believe what Albus just said.

She couldn't what she just heard.

He asked a child to be a spy?

To go to the most scaring men to this planet and play cat and mouse with him?

The kid must have been so scared. And instead of helping him out, of asking someone responsible to take action, to protect him, they turned him down, they made him go home, scared out of himself, dealing with his problems alone.

"You asked a child to be a spy? Even though he's a minor, and we are talking about a sociopath who kill everyone who breathes wrong around him? He came to you scared to death, crying for help and all you said to him was to be your spy? When even the adult couldn't bring themself to be one? Is this what you are saying?"

"I don't expect you to understand why I am doing this. It's for the future. It's for peace."

"What future will we have if we treat like this our child? The person who we should protect, who are our future?"

"We will have no future if no one will take action against him. It's for the greater purpose. The greater good." He said to her, returning at his desk. He was done today.
And Minerva, Minerva maybe really didn't understand the great purpose, maybe didn't see ahead, but- well- she couldn't accept this.

"Well, either way I see no future."

That night she went to Poppy, who was still shaken up, who was still watching at her hands, sobbing quietly in her room.
She went to Poppy and she couldn't watch in her eyes.
She went to Poppy and couldn't bring herself to say that the child was lost, that Albus would do nothing for him, that he was not worthy his saving.

But Poppy understood perfectly.
She saw it in her face, in her eyes.

Poppy shook her head and opened her arms and Minerva slowly reached her, needing all the contact she could achieve from her. Minerva put her heads on her neck and sighed aloud.

She was so tired.

The stayed like this for a long time, maybe all night, Minerva didn't exactly know.
Time went slow, she tried to not think about Regulus, about what he was feeling right now, alone, scared, without any help.

At a certain point she started crying too.

But there was no reason. The damage was done.

And so she passed the night like that, hugged to her love, trying to hope for a better future, a future in which they would find joy and calmness again.

*

It was the first school day and all the students returned at Hogwarts after Christmas. Minerva was bouncing in front of her studios, already ready from dinner but too early for really going down there. She would visit Madame Pomfrey but she didn't want to disturb her, but then she opted to do a quick round on the school grounds. So she started walking when she met the person who occupied her thoughts in those days, Regulus Black.

The boy was lightly and repeatedly beating his head on the wall, with shrugged eyebrows, dark circles under his eyes and tremor from the after curse that still went on in his body.

She froze, she didn't really know what to do, asking him how he was? But how could she know? How could she admit in to his face that she saw the conditions in which he was and doing nothing to bring him out of that house?
Did Regulus remember the night?
Did he forget?
Did he take the mark?
Did they beat him again?
Was he better? Did he still fell pain? Did he go to Poppy?

Too many questions.
Too less answers.

"Mister Black?" But he went on like he didn't heard her voice.

"Regulus" she said at the end, giving him the same treatment that she was giving at his brother.
His eyes snapped open, he watched around and he saw her face watching at him so he quickly moved away from the wall, his gaze fell black, like he hadn't the slightest problem in his head and his chin was held up, looking at her unimpressed.

How a person could do that she had yet to understand.
How a person could shut up all of his emotions in one second always mesmerized Minerva.

"Professor McGonagall" he said, his voice decided and strong.
"Do you need help?" he then asked like she didn't just witness him having a mild mental breakdown.

"I'm quite fine, Regulus. And you? How were the holidays?"

"Never been better" he smiled at her politely and she almost gasped in disbelief.
How- how could- he was lying but she would have believed him if she hadn't witnessed his departure in first hand.

"Are you having any problems?" She asked then, she couldn't stop to worry about her guys and well- if he didn't want to talk about that, it was okay. But he really should get some help.

"Thank you for your concern, Professor" he moved to go away, or better, limping away. "But I'm brilliant"
Minerva was not so Flabbergasted by his coldness, they had never been very acquainted, since he was under Slughorn house and Regulus must not like very much since Sirius was sorted in a house different from his.

She couldn't let him leave like that.
"Do you perhaps want a cup of tea?" She asked suddenly and she saw the young men turn on and watched her attentive, like she was joking with him and he didn't know what about. She hold his gaze firm.

"You know what?" He sighed like he was firming his way to death and not accepting a cup of tea "Gladly" he said at the end, finding something in her look that she didn't know but it was enough for him to take action.
"Make your way" he moved his hands and Minerva didn't know if he made her go first because of cavalry or because he didn't want to be seen limping.

But she went on without any further question.
Maybe they would be able to talk. If he asked for her help she would have given him.
She couldn't say no to a student asking for help. She would have kept opened the school every summer, if it meant that Regulus Black was safe.

But Regulus had to ask her, she couldn't know what was going on with his parents and Regulus wasn't even in her house at school.

“Did you see madame Pomfrey?” She asked when the sit on their chair and took a sip of tea.

“I already said that I’m fine” he shrugged at her question and she rolled her eyes.

“I’m sure about that” Minerva said, he didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that he was injured, fine by her.
“However I didn’t ask you about that- did you see Pomfrey for whatever you clearly don’t have?”

Regulus hummed, a light smirk on his lips, so subtle that she almost missed it.
“I’ll go when things are settled”
He sip his tea once again, looking at her with his grey and deep eyes.
He was almost scary, imponent. Even though he didn’t have the behavior of his brother his presence was felt in the room as big as Sirius’ one.

"What kind of things?" It was a weird game, like she was watching a cat and she had to do exactly the right thing to not make it go away.
It was like if she got too close he would bachelor but if she did too little he would find their meeting boring. And this situation was almost funny, considering that cats were something she knew very well.
She felt under observation, he was pondering something, like a chess game made up of glances

“Well- we are already here- can I ask you about something, professor?”
She nodded to him, pouring about her cup of tea. She was waiting. She was almost scared. What would she do? What would he ask?

“If- I’m talking hypothetically- I did- uhm something awful-” he scratched at his harm and she immediately knew. Minerva knew that she was too late for him.
That she was too late- too late- too late.

He had taken it.

But how could he have stopped his parents if they tried to kill him the first time?
It wasn’t his fault.
It was theirs.
It was her and Albus’ fault.
He was just a kid who had grown up too quickly.

“Go on” she said when he stopped midway, looking at her with icy gray eyes, thinking about his next words.

“And I betrayed someone’s trust. Like- stabbed them around their back. What should I do? Should I go away? Ask their forgiveness?"
She arched an eyebrow, she didn't expect this question.
Betrayed someone's trust?

“Tell them why did you do it in first place, tell them that you didn’t want to, that there is a reason behind your-“ if he was talking about his brother she was sure he could understand him.
If he told him that they coerced him to do-

“Because I was too weak” he step, almost whispering and he almost regretted saying that, because he stopped himself at that.

“What?” She breathed hard-
He couldn’t think that-
That- it was his fault-

“My weakness made me do something I didn’t want” regulus repeated to her, his look almost bored now, the insecurity of before disappeared. He shrug his eyebrows, not meeting her eyes anymore and she died inside.
The child thought that it was his fault.
The child thought that he could have prevented that.

“It sounds to me that you were almost obliged to do so” she chip in, trying to sound objective, even though she was aching in her seat, even though she felt the pain he felt that night.

“If I was better no one would have made me do anything. So it’s my fault. If I had understood earlier nothing of this would have happened, maybe prevented.” he blinked at her, like she was the one weird, like she was the dumb one who didn’t understand something so easy.

“Did you say yes? At what you are talking about, did you say yes?"

“No!” He sound almost disgusted by her assumption but he quickly returned normal. His face neutral.
His eyes vacant.
The empty shell he was before.

“Well that can change-“
But he stood abruptly, putting down his cup, and holding his arm against his torso.

“Thank you professor, I think that it's almost time for dinner and I still have a lot to do."

“You're welcome here any time, I didn’t do anything for you Regulus”
He was hard to read.
And she hadn’t had too much time with him to understand better.
But Regulus Black was a real puzzle, he had more in the inside that the average teenager. He hid so much things that she almost felt her head explode.

“Well you are wrong professor. I did understand a lot from this discussion. I should tell them why that happen- That I was too weak to chose them. And too late. Maybe, When I’ll be more powerful I can stand beside them once again, but until then I’m off”
He nodded at her, like she really did something and it was not all inside his head, it was his parents' fault, his parents' excessive pretense.
They twisted his mind into thinking that he was someone not worth fighting.

She didn't agree with him but he had decided, and minerva knew that when a Black made a decision that was it. She experimented that with Sirius and Regulus was similar too.

Both proud and stubborn.

“If you ever have the necessary of another cup of tea, feel free to come to my study”
He watched day her, contemplating, his eyebrows furrowed like he was trying to understand the catch there, the trap.
But there was none.
And she felt bad he felt like that.

“Sure."

*

Later at dinner she watched as the younger Black missed, with his friends. Their usual spot empty. Minerva furrowed her eyebrows, a little worried for the younger Black, it was in her nature to worry about everything, every child in there.

So Regulus must have told him- right? But why he wasn't at dinner? Did he felt sick? Regulus felt too bad for Sirius? For what he had done but he didn't rally because his parents obliged him to do?
Their argument didn't go well? Sirius most of the time was impulsive and loud but he wasn't bad. It was just a lot to take in, nothing more.

Sirius loved Regulus very much, she was sure of it, so whatever they said to each other could go into his right place.

She could help them reunite in some way.

Minerva didn't do anything before- she would be damned for it- but she wouldn't stay still as she watched two kids get hurt for the sake of the adults.

But when Minerva looked at her table, at her boys, at her sons- well- it was weird to see a very normal Sirius Black but a devastated James Potter.

But the one who-

Why did James had that hunted look on his face?
Why was he trying to hide his red eyes and to smile even though the very thought of smiling seemed to repulse him? To made his blood recoil?
Why was James watching the Slytherin table like the thing itself did something awful to him and betrayed him?
Why were his hands trembling, his lips wobbling, his legs bouncing and his breath so deep?

James, Oh James
What had happened James?
It's not like you, James. Minerva thought.

James, the sun itself, the one who gave strength and affection at everyone was struggling with his own breath, the one who took care of everything was having a breakdown during the dinner and still was able to control himself, to control his sobs his broken sighs.
James tucked his head on his arms and he put his forehead on the table as if breathing was taking him a lot of effort, as if something painful had been craved inside his bones and it was fighting to came out, as if he had lost his light, his will to go on.
The man who probably was the column of hope, who was the one who brought smiles and sweet and cherry pie was now at his bottom and Minerva didn't know if he would be able to get up and go on, to fight, to risk it all.

And Minerva spiraled, and spiraled again.
What did they do to them?
Who had reduced him like that?

And well the words of Regulus returned to her like a frisbee.
I betrayed someone's trust he said.
But- who was that trusted him if not Sirius?
Why James?
What happened between them? Who was Regulus Black to James Potter?

Who was Regulus Black talking about before?

The puzzle of Regulus Black became more hard and deep as the minutes went on.
But the wheels began to turn, pieces to come together, Minerva was beginning to understand things she had previously taken for granted.

What relationship did they have?

The only thing she was grateful for was the fact that from the bottom you can only get back up, and the only person capable of having enough strength to get back to the way it was before was James Potter himself.

------------------

"I can't believe you let him do this every fucking month"
Minerva entered once again in Albus office, remembering of another time when she went there, that time covered in blood and scared, this time she was not so much different. No blood but still scared. And angry.
Very angry.

"Minerva, what a pleasure to meet you. Who are we talking about in this lovely day?"
It was, in fact, not a lovely day.
It had rained all morning and the breeze was freezing out everything out there, all the animals retreated in their shells to protect themself from the strong wind.
It was almost like the weather itself was rebelling against that tragedy.

First James Potter and Lily Evans.
And then- that.
Simply that.

Poppy had told her a bit with a patronus and things were not good for Remus even though he was strong and he did that every month.
But this- this time things went different.
They made him go there.
They caused there.

"About Remus Lupin"
She pointed out rolling her eyes, he was not a fool, he must already know everything.

"Ah- I heard about Lupin, what an unpleasant news."
He strolled around his desk, pacing here and there, his pass counted like he was doing a game or he was playing cheeks with the floor as board.

"You just heard? You didn't even bothered to go and see him? This is was your doing after all." She spat at him and he furrowed his eyebrows like he was the most innocent person in the world.
And well- he didn't do nothing to not be innocent.
But he didn't even do anything to be one.
He was a weir man.

"I didn't injured him Minerva. I didn't lay a finger on him. These are very different things. And I had been busy. I'll go see him in the afternoon."
He out his hands behind his back and Minerva huffed.
Nothing could move this man.
Not even death.

"You told him to go there. It's basically the same."
She pointed out again and he adjusted his glasses on his nose, pondering in what saying next.

"I kindly asked and he went"

"Did you give him a choice?"

"There is always a choice, Minerva. You already know that."

"Not for him. Not for someone who is hiding himself from the authorities. Not for a werewolf who isn't signed. Not for a former student to his headmaster. You perfectly know that." She was going crazy.
What was so difficult to understand?

"It's a war Minerva. Choices are to be made. And unfortunately I'm the one who needs to make them."
Minerva closed her eyes, she wanted to scream that she knew.
She knew, but this wasn't the answer either.

"Like with Regulus Black, right? You see them like properties. Regulus was mark and only a mark. And Remus is an animal to keep caged and to use him when you need him."

"You are saying this. I've never said this of them."
Minerva scoffed.
Hypocrite.
He believed this of them since the first time they step foot in this fucking school.

"But you thought of this."
Albus only hummed, not responding but not denying either.

"You know that he'll not be stopping doing this? That the next month he'll be going there? That he need to go there, to turn the pack in our side for win the war?"

"You want him to go with people who despise him."

"Despise- wha a strong word."

"Well- they see him like a fucking noble between tramps. He went to school, he went to Hogwarts, he had an instruction, he's not signed, the ministry doesn't know him, he can have a job, he has everything they don't have in their eyes. The'll not follow him. They hate him."

"Never say never. Remus is young but very intelligent. You are not giving him enough credit"

"Is that why he's lying on Potter's couch unconscious right now?"
He stiffened closing his eyes.

"I heard he killed Greyback so- well- that took a lot of effort, don't you think?"

"But-"

"I don't want to do this Minerva. Don't mistake my decision. If we want to finish all of this, if we want the young Harry to live save and free we have to do this. If we want to have a school after this we have to do this. I'm not happy but it's for the greater good. With this, I must greet you. Have a good day, Minerva"

And well- she was left there. Once again.
With nothing than a bunch of words, while her kids were getting killed or injured in front of her eyes.
A lonely tear went down her cheek and she huffed.

But she must be strong.
For them.
It was the only thing she could do, be there and help them through everything.

----------------

"Good evening boys, how are you doing? How's Remus? I heard, I'm so sorry"
Minerva entered the house, in was almost dinner hour, but it was the only time she could got out of the school without scaring his students.

"Good evening Minerva, come inside" Euphemia always caring, immediately took care of her, and she smiled politely, but she didn't missed her dark circles under his eyes, Monty was taking care of Harry but she didn't see nor James neither Sirius.
"He's-" Effie glanced at the room "-resting now" she finished her sentence and Minerva nodded.

Euphemia took her in the living room and she saw Madama Pomfrey sleeping in one fo the chair, worn off from all the work she had to do, and she caressed her head kindly. She didn't have the courage to watch at Remus but she had to sooner or later.

"Minnie" James said to her, grinning a bit, but even his eyes were tired, his smile little, and he was holding up on his legs only thanks to his willpower.
"We are happy to have you here"

"Thank you James. So? How is he?" She asked again and James sighed passing a hand through his face and Minerva saw how much they had all grown up since they went to Hogwarts. And what a way to grow up- they still had so much to live but so much worries on their shoulders.

"I mean- when he first came here-" a shiver run along his back. "It was bad, really Minnie- I- we didn't even know-" James put a hand in his hair, a habit he got since Hogwarts.

"We thought he was dead, Minnie" Sirius came in to her vision and her breath stuck in her throat. She- she didn't ever see anything like that, not from Sirius who always wore a grin, even when he was in pain.

But not today.

Today it seemed that the life had been taken out of him.

Today he was a dead man walking around.

Today Sirius Black didn't have a soul. He died there, in front of Remus Lupin's body.

"Oh Sirius- came here. I'm so sorry this happened to you. To all of you." she opened her arms and circled Sirius' shoulders. "But he's strong. He's so strong."

"It was my fault. I failed him so much Minnie."

"Do not blame yourself, Sirius. What has been done is in the past, and we cannot change that. Focus on being here for him right now. I'm certain your mere presence is helping him."

Sirius sniffled and she patted his back patiently, she didn't give a lot of effusion but she tried to be the best pillar they all could have. Once professor always professor.
"You think so?" The boy interlocked eyes with her, his big blue eyes so scared, so lost so afraid, they had lost their natural shine and Minerva hoped they would soon turn to sheen like before. She was so angry, they didn't deserve that-

"Of course, my dear." Minerva looked to the couch, at the man that layed there, his breath was slowly, his chest was getting up and down but barely, his frame pale, the only thing that stood up were his scars, red and swollen.
"And I know he does not blame you either. He would do anything for you. For all of you."

They heard a knock on the door and they all turned to see who was at the door, hoping that it was nothing bad. No one had still strength to fight anymore.
But there was no need.

Hope Lupin entered from the door, her eyes red, her breath fast and thick, her lips trembling from the stress, the cold, and the worry. But her body was holding her up, her eyes searching through the room, ready to be there for her only son.
"Good evening" she said in a whisper.
"Where is he? My son? Is he okay?" She was almost having a mental break down, but fortunately Effie as the woman of the house quickly went to her.
"Please he must be okay, he must be." And everyone from at that, their heart clenched.

"Hope, hi. He's fine. He's a lot better. Come, he's here" she took her hand and Hope almost gave up at that news. They all could see the tears streaming on her face, a tissue was already in her hand and she started sobbing when she saw how Remus was sleeping on the couch.

"Oh Remus- son, heart of mine, why this happened to you? Why? My poor child, my sweet boy- I'm so sorry"

Minerva slowly woke up Poppy, she would have liked more to let her sleep of her tiredness, but probably Lupin's mother would have liked to be updated about his son wellbeing.
In the mean time even Remus woke up, his eyes were red and swollen, his hands trembled a bit but he was able to smile a little when he saw his mother.

"Do you know what happened?" She asked, her gaze firm on Remus, starting to wipe clean his son' hand from some blood that remained since before, she she started stroking his hair, whispering something onto his hear, like a lullaby.

"No-" Sirius started to say, his posture stiff near the couch, watching carefully Hope Lupin. "No" he coughed trying to found his voice. "Uhm- I was saying, no we don't. He was- too-" he watched the room as for asking for some help. "Injured to talk or to remember."

"Mom?" They got interrupted by Remus voice "What are you doing here?" His voice was hoarse, Remus coughed a little, his breath a bit rugged, but his eyes were able to focus on his mother.

"I heard you got injured. Of course I'm here, silly" Minerva saw that Hope probably wanted to cry a bit more but she was holding back for Remus. Minerva didn't want to think what Hope went through in this life since Remus got bitten. Seeing your son hurt and in pain once a month it must be something no parents would want to see.

"I'm sorry mum, I didn't want to scare you. But I'm fine- there is no need to fuss- I'm fine." Sirius behind her scoffed and Remus looked right through at him, and then- she saw finally a real big smile. And she smiled with them. They really found each other.

"Sirius!" Remus smiled and Sirius smiled with him. "You are here!" And then he saw her and her grin became even bigger.
Remus the pure soul you are.
"Professor!"

"For a wise guy like you, you are really dumb, darling. Of course I am here" Sirius said and Hope made some space to make him sit near her and pat on the couch..
"No- no- Miss. Lupin- I wouldn't dare- this is your tim-" he quickly said, but Remus eyes darkened.

"Mum I already told you, he doesn't want to sit here because we fought don't make him-" his eyes big and sad, scared of his rejection but somehow already reassigned. Minerva frowned.

"No Remus! I didn't mean like that! You dumb as-" Sirius started to deny but then he stopped himself when he saw Hope sit there watching him.
"It's just that this is your moment, you need to talk through everything."

"Sirius, honey, came, the couch is big enough for the three of us" Hope quickly shut them out and Sirius quietly obeyed, Remus grabbed his hand almost scared and Minerva didn't quite understand their dynamics.
She pointed a look at James who shook his head and decided to leave the room.

"Remus how are you feeling?" Poppy intruded quietly and Remus nodded at her.

"It's almost as a truck has passed on me repeatedly but don't worry I'm a lot better than before- but still I don't remember a lot, it's all foggy. " Remus explained, and Minerva saw his fatigue, his eyes were already closing even though he stayed awake for only few minutes. Poppy shrugged her eyebrows, still worry about her patient, and she could understand her.

"How is the pain from 1 to 10?" she questioned again and Remus seemed to think a bit, his mother holding his hand.

"Uhm- like three?"

"It's more like six" Sirius interrupted him and Remus looked at him a it hardly but Sirius only shrugged his shoulders.

"Sirius-"

"What? It's real, isn't it?"

"Come on Remus"

"Ugh- okay more like five- a little more maybe."
Poppy nodded in agreement, signing something on her notebook.

"You have no deep injury, your organs are fine, you just lost a lot of blood and had some mild concussion at your head with some broken bones that i adjusted. Obviously you have to take it slow, because they need time to reassess themselves. I expect you to sleep a lot and every time you feel tired, you must adjust yourself and your body needs rest."

"Thank you, Madama Pomfrey. I couldn't be more grateful for your work. I think that he's alive thanks to you." Hope said turned and the nurse smiled at her.

"It's my job. And Remus is an angel, like a son to me. But yeah- this time he made us take a big scare. Please Remus pay attention to your health. And if he doesn't you will in charge of it" she pointed at Sirius who grinned at Remus while the last one rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath.

"Don't worry, I'll make him think twice of scaring me this much next time."

"Mum don't-"

"Shut up Remus. I love you with my soul. Every month my heart fucking breaks because you have to endure this and you have to endure this alone. For ours fault. I haven't sleep a single peaceful night since you were four, so now just shut up and let me do my job as your mother and let me protect you. Even though I failed once I'll not let this happened again." His mother hissed while she kissed his knuckles and Remus' lips wobbled a bit.

"It was not your fault- never your fault- and neither dad's one. It's- his- just him- you know Greyback"

"It was his-" Sirius interrupted them, smiling with a strange glint in his eyes and Minerva trembled a bit at that gaze.
If greyback had not died yesterday thanks to Remus, Sirius would probably have searched the world over for him and made him pay for all the pain he had caused Remus.
"You killed him, yesterday night, darling." Sirius said again when Remus watched him with a question gaze on his face.
He really must not remember what happened that night.

"Oh" Remus said, he probably was so out of him that he didn't even were able to remember what he did in that night. "Oh-"

And well-
Minerva was ready for everything but not for the bubble of laughter that came out from Hope's mouth. She was laughing like her son was getting married, like he won a vacancy far from there, like all of her problems got resolved in a nick of time.

"Fucking hell- it was time. Good job son, sooner or later I would have done it. That shit deserves only pain or death. Hope it was painful as fuck" she said while Remus laughed with her-

Hope Lupin was a very strong woman.
She had witnessed something no mortal or wizard could ever.
She saw her own son scratch his own skin every fucking month.
She was a warrior.

"And now son, I see you are closing your eyes off. Do you want a bedtime story? Like the old times?" And Remus nodded along his mother, his eyes really closing, relaxing against his mother's frame.

"Thanks mum, I'd really like that." He mumbled between sighs. "Sirius- will you stay here?"

"I'm not leaving you again love."
And Hope hugged her two sons, so Minerva took her leave.

Minerva saw everything she needed.

Maybe Remus was not safe yet, but he had people who took care of him plenty.
And she would be one of them.

Chapter Text

April 1976

Remus was a bit off those days.
And he was not because he found the fact of being ignored by his three best friends upsetting. They could do whatever they wanted.
In fact, they shouldn't have to put up with him for so long in the first time.

So when they started going off into the library - the library! Just this made Remus understand a lot of things, they were like allergic to that place - he understood that they were almost done with him and he probably was fated to not have a real friend.
And it was not why he was angry, or sad, or bad.
Not at all!

It just made him think that they were right to ignore him, he was a monster, a mistake in the system, he should not be at Hogwarts, so- he couldn't really blame them.

But it stung a little bit nonetheless.
It stung to know that he probably didn't deserve to have real friends.
It stung to found out that the only person who discovered his secret at the end ditched him, maybe too bored or too annoyed or- well whatever it was going on with the at the moment.

"How are you doing Remus?"
But as he was going in to the Shrieking Shack with Poppy, and as he was going to face another of his insufferable nights as a wold eh didn't have time to think at them, he didn't have time to brood about his life, about his misfortune, about everything.
His mind was only settled to the pain and the damage that he would cause himself that night.

He sighed, used to that while he responded to the nurse.
"It's fine Poppy. Nothing new. Just the usual." and she watched him with such sad eyes that he wanted to reassure her that everything was going fine, that nothing worrisome really happened so he'll be okay once again.
Even after so many years she didn't get used to leaving him there alone while he was in pain.

Maybe Poppy was the real person who accepted him, alongside his mother and his father. He sighed again.
Not now, really, now wasn't the right time.

"Alright Remus, I'll see tomorrow morning at sunrise. I'll come as fast as possible." She said to him, caressing his cheeks with her cold fingers and he huffed again at her worried face.

"We've done this already Poppy. There's no need to run. I'll be sleeping anyway."

"I'll run If I want to, young man. So shut up and let me do my job" she said and he laughed, he felt the sound of that, he usually laughed a lot when James was around but in those days he was almost absent.

Gotta study a bit, man, or I'll hear from mum and dad this time. he said to him, but they could easily study together so Remus knew that it was a lie.
And there was also the fact that James was not a good liar, not like Sirius. So he immediately knew that they were doing something without him.

If they wanted some space they could have just said it.
Remus was not going to ruin their relationship.

And like that eh was left alone.
He sat on the mattresses that they put there and he started singing a lullaby, the one that his mother sang to him when he was little and scared. The headache was starting so it was almost time for him to transform, and he felt his heartbeat rise up.
He closed his eyes, trying to not cry.
Right now he was at the bottom.
He sighed again, maybe for the tenth time that night, but the he heard something.

"Hey bud" James appeared and he widened his eyes.

"James! What the hell-" he watched frantically at the moon, he was here, and the moon was almost at his place.
"James, you have to go, now!" He moved around trying to catch his arm and throwing him out, but James laughed it off.

What a fucking idiot.

"Rem!" Sirius said happily entering too and Remus was paralyzed for a moment, and he swore that the headache just triplicated.

Here idiot two.

"How dumb are you? Do you know what's going to happen? Fucking hell-" Remus mutter to himself expecting to find Peter behind them. "Go! Just go away!"

"Peter- uh" James started to say as if he didn't say nothing to them "Is having some problems turning back, but he's here too!" He explained and he watched them like he was assisting a comedy. "We are all here" James said like it wasn't the dumbest thing to say when you were in front of a fucking werewolf during a full moon.

This situation could be represented as if the killer in one of his books tried to kidnap the main character and the idiot instead of running goes to him willingly and brings with him all of his friend and say: 'hey buddy, you seemed a bit lonely so we are here to make you happy, let's hang out together, ohh watch these knives, they are very pretty, is this one of you hobbies? Nice!' and then the killer proceeds to kill all of them.
The same fucking thing.
Remus would bang his head on the fucking wall if it wasn't already pounding like crazy.

"I don't care right now James, guys you have to go- and- what do you mean Peter is trying to turn back? From what? No actually I can't care right now- just-" he sighed again and he felt like an old grumpy grandad who was too tired of living.
And right now he was tired of everything.
"Just go okay? We'll see each other tomorrow"

"Just see, my moon. You'll be happy about it. Don't worry" Sirius said grinning and well- that were the last things he heard before getting on his knees and screaming his lungs out, his bones breaking and his heartbeat accelerating.

Pain, pain, pain.

But he found himself calmer that night than ever.

***

He woke up on the mattress and- well- it was not as bad as he thought.
He could move.
Quite easily.
Everything hurt as hell as always, his limbs seemed they had been almost detached from his body and his joints made weird sounds. But there were no deep injuries on his body, he was not bleeding openly and he actually could move his legs without Poppy's magic or her healing spells.
It was little- but for Remus- for Remus was everything.

"Remus! Hi! How are you this morning?" The nurse came in and he almost smiled at her. He was tired as hell but eh could remember of being happy. Of Moony being happy. Something good must have happened. He remembered running wild in the grass and hunting bunny.

But how?
He was dangerous.

"Well-" he tried to say but his mouth was almost blocked, his brain too tired to formulate a coherent sentence. "Good" he said before falling backwards, his legs too tired and weak to keep him up.

Fortunately there was Poppy there, but he closed his eyes before seeing how the nurse caught him with her magic and brought him in to the castle.

***

Remus remembered a dog. A black and big dog near the wolf.
And they were playing.
He was playing.
The wolf had found a friend.

And then- a stag.
One of the most beautiful animals he had ever seen, the stag was running alongside them, his antlers big and beautiful, he was almost strutting and it was almost weird.
How animals could strut?

A rat run between them and he found him funny.
He was tiny and little.

Remus opened his eyes. And the he closed them again, too much light for them.
What the hell-?

He tried to grab the water that Poppy put near his bed but he found a hand already there, giving the water to him, he reopened his eyes and he found Sirius' face in front of him.

"Hi dear" Sirius said and he tried to ignore how his heartbeat speed up at that.
James should stop to say those nicknames to them, because Sirius too had piked up that habit and it was not good for him and his heart.

"Hi" he grunted and he tried to sit on the bed.
James and Peter appeared from nowhere and helped him get up.
"How are you here? Did Poppy make an exception?"

"Absolutely not. We snuck in obviously" James said like he asked to most stupid thing and maybe he really did. But they hated him now, so he didn't understand why they were here now.
Or why they were there yesterday.
It was all confusing.

"So? How are you feeling? How did it go?" Sirius grinned like a maniac and he shrugged his eyebrows. Their silence treat was over?

"Uhm-" they watch him expectantly even though he didn't know what they were expecting from him. "Well-? I mean you really made me almost have a heart attack yesterday but at the end everything did go well. None of you has died so a win is a win."

"See! I told you so guys! It went marvelous!" Sirius clapped his hand and he was even more confused.

They.
Were.
Weird.

Nothing new.
But they went from ignoring him from days to staying near his butt constantly.

"Well- if you could explain to me, I would be grateful" he said maybe with a bit too venom that he actually wanted to sound but hey- he was angry with them!
"I mean- you did ignore me for weeks and then you appeared yesterday and made me almost faint- because I was transforming with you! And now you are all here- and-"

"Oh sorry bud we didn't want to neglect you, but we were uh-" James stared to say but then he stopped himself-

"We just wanted to-" Peter continued and he was getting tired, his headache was still there, he was hungry and the full moon was still near to upset his humor.

"We planned to-" Sirius said but stopped himself midway.
And he was fucking done.

"What? What? You planned what? There is no need to hide that from me, there is no need to lie, if you are bored of scared of me, disgusted by me I can understand. If you don't want to talk to me any I understand that. But tell me? At least have the courage to tell me so! I hate liars!"

"What?" James widened his eyes and for a moment- just for a second- he thought to have fucked up everything.
"Are you crazy?"

"Bud what are you saying?"
But they were interrupted by a black dog that jumped on his bed.
The same black dog of his dream.
The black dog that appeared where Sirius was a second ago.

He must be hallucinating.
Maybe Poppy gave him some drugs.
Or he fell hard and he had a concussion.
But right now there was a dog on his bed.
He was touching a fucking don on his hospital bed.
And- the dog was Sirius?

"We wanted to surprise you! Sirius- it was mostly Sirius who thought of this- that Moony attacks humans but he doesn't attacks other animals so we could become animagi so you wouldn't be alone anymore! Fuck we're sorry you thought that- we- we didn't realize- fuck-" James put his hands on his hair, explaining everything fast and confusional and Remus was capable of opening his mouth and then he closing it.
Just that.
For quite a bit of time.

He watched James and Peter and then the dog and then James and Peter agin.
"I- I-" Remus stuttered.
It was- fuck he felt his heart explode.
No one- ever thought of this, they- they did it for him-?

"You- you did this- for me? Really?" He whispered, still not believing it even though he had a fucking black dog who was licking his hands on his lap. The dog was huge. And fluffy. And beautiful. But it was Sirius so obviously he was beautiful. He caressed his fur and it was really soft, he could sleep on it.

"Fuck Remus yes! You are very stupid for being a swot!" Peter blurted out, his eyes still big and unbelievable. And then-

Remus started to laugh- he was almost crying from happiness- no one, literally no one ever did something this big for him.
"I- I-" he wiped his eyes. He was out of himself right now, so happy he could scream. "So you didn't hate me? For who I am?" He whispered again.

This time Sirius went down and tuned back.
"No Remus, we all love you." Sirius hugged him, with James and Peter. "We are sorry that you thought like that. You are our moon, moons. My moon. This is why I call you Moony. You shine when the night is dark"
And the breath got stuck in his throat.
He didn't know that, he didn't know any of that.

And well- that was the moment in which he knew that eh loved Sirius.
Because he could be the moon.
But the moon couldn't shine so much without his stars.
And Sirius was the brightest of them all.

"You are all fucking crazy" he stated to them and they grinned widely.
He loved them
They were his crazy

"Anything for our moony".

--------------

Remus didn't really remember much of the following few days or what happened before. It was all blurs, flashes, pain and-

He had been scared.

So scared.

He remembered his mother?
Maybe- or did he imagine her? He didn't really know.

He remembered Sirius?
That- that one was probably a dream- Sirius didn't cry from him- he had to do this since he was four, it was nothing new.

He remembered Effie taking care of him?
Well- that was the most real thing, she was always like that- did she feed him?

Fuck it- he really hated head injuries. He could feel a bulge on his head and it was hurting like hell.

Remus tried to turn his head and open his eyes, but a force or better- his weakness and his injuries held him in place.

Remus breathed heavily once again, trying to fight the gravity that was pulling his body down and then he finally opened his eyes.
Good job.
Now he had to go and get some water.

No body was nowhere to be seen so he couldn't ask help, but he wasn't even in the mood to do so, he hated feeling like that, he was perfectly fine.
Nothing to worry about.

It was ten minutes later and well into the night when Remus finally stumbled to get himself a glass of water, he had some sweat down his forehead, but he did it so he wasn't complaining. His mind was a bit foggy and he coughed a bit when he pulled something in his abdomen, but otherwise he felt rather good.

"Merlin, this time I got really near-" To death.
Remus whispered to himself and then groaned in pain, he wobbled into the kitchen and when he arrived there he had short breath from the fatigue.
He shook his head almost laughing, he was pathetic, he couldn't even move around as he pleased.
But then he rolled hie eyes remembering that if James or Poppy would hear his thoughts they probably would smack him on the head.

It had been fucking scaring and he probably was alive thanks to something, like a deity or Godric Gryffindor himself.

He perused the kitchen cabinets looking for a glass while thinking about how the hell he was able to get out from that situation.
It had been lucky?
Did someone help him?
Fuck his mind was blurry, the only thing that he remembered was Moony and in how pain he was, how he didn't understand what was happening around him and why another wolf was attacking him.
He plucked one out and ran it under the tap to wash out any dust that had settled in.

He close the water, his mouth frowning, his mind full of thoughts and almost dropped his glass of water when he found Sirius standing on the other side.

“Fuck, you move with the feet of a deer,” Remus snapped, almost shitting himself and putting a hand on his heart.

"Practice" Sirius gritted out before crossing his arms and looked down on him with a disapproving grimace.

“What?” Remus widened his eyes at that, he didn't really know what was going on inside his head and he was not sure about their relationship right now.
He didn't know- maybe after the little stunt he pulled last night Sirius would leave him for good.
He was too dangerous.
Sirius didn't deserve someone like him.

"Why the hell are you standing up?" Sirius whispered angrily, he didn't want to wake anyone up but Remus already knew that they would soon be at each other's throat.

"Uh- I wanted- a glass of water?" Sirius got nearer and he shrugged his eyebrows.
Would Sirius punch him?

"Next time you call me, Remus." He wanted to roll his eyes, he didn't need their help. "I'm right there Remus and I'll help you." and Sirius pointed at the couch next to the sofa in which he was sleeping and Remus was even more confused.

"Why?" He blurted out.
No hard feelings between them?

"What why?"

"Why are you sleeping there? Oh my god, Sirius did you sleep at all?" Sirius had like- hollow under his eyes, his eyes usually so bright and clear were dark and tired, his lips were bitten and broken, Sirius used to rip the skin out of his mouth when anxious and it seemed that he was doing it again.
His hair was so messy that he probably could find a bird in there, like he didn't wash them in days and a small hint of a beard was beginning to spread across his face.

Sirius didn't usually have beard.

But oh-

Sirius was beautiful.

So he really couldn't stop himself and he brought a hand to touch his skin, now a bit rugged, beard was something that Sirius didn't have usually but- hell- Sirius was good in everything.
"Fuck- you are beautiful even like this" Remus whispered and Sirius' eyes widened, caressing the hand that was on his face with a delicacy that made him shiver.

It was just impossible to stay away from Sirius.
Remus could try all he wanted but he was around Sirius' finger, he would have killed form him, he would have died for him, he would have fight for him.
He was fighting this fucking war for him.

The got even nearer, he now felt Sirius' breath on his face, they eyes interlocked, a feeling that they both knew too well. Remus dropped his gaze on Sirius' lips and the man licked them in a way that made his stomach churn.

But Sirius got away, breathing heavily and passing a hand through his hair sighing.

And fuck what the hell was he thinking about?
They didn't really needed that.
Not now, not when Sirius was angry with him and he had failed him so much.
And Remus had to keep his dick in to his pants.

"I'm sorry Sirius I didn't think-"

"Remus don't apologize right now, okay?" Sirius snapped and Remus shut up immediately, looking everywhere else but in Sirius' direction.
"Come on, I'll take you to the couch"

"I'm not a baby, I can go there with my own two feet" but he was already tired and Sirius gave him that look, like knowing about his conditions better than himself.

"You are injured and almost died on that sofa three days ago, so shut up and let me help you" Sirius was getting angry but the last thing he wanted was to be treated like a child.
He did this every month.
He was okay.
He didn't need help.
He was in pain like crazy, his legs were bouncing and his hips hurt like a bitch but he was fine, he was used to this. It was okay.

"I'm fine, Sirius, really-"
And he expected Sirius to burst out, telling him to fuck off and doing whatever he wanted but instead Sirius looked into his eyes, there were tears at the bottom of them and Remus was really taken aback for a minute.
"Sirius-"

"It's- it's okay- just wait a bit- I'm okay, it's fine- I'm-" he was rubbing his eyes frenetically and Remus panicked, Sirius was crying. Sirius was crying and Remus did that. "I'm okay, right, fine, I'm brilliant and-" he sighed, like mentally restraining himself "fine, fine, fine"
Remus made Sirius cry.
Again, again, again.

"Sirius, O Merlin, o my god- why are you cry-"

"Why? Why am I doing this?" Sirius gritted out while he grab his arm and put it around his shoulder to help him reach the couch and this time he didn't complain.
"Why am I doing this, do you ask Remus?"
Remus plopped tired on the couch, and then he watched him worried.

"I don't understand-"

"Don't-" Sirius started to laugh, still a bit of tears in his eyes.
"Remus John Lupin, you can't ask me why. Are you fucking with me right now?" But he didn't even wait for his response.
"I watch your dead corpse come through the fucking door two days ago! You were out of yourself, bleeding like crazy, screaming in pain while Poppy treated you and you ask me this? You didn't even seem to recognize me! And you- you are here telling me why am I doing this? Remus! What do you think? You can't be fine!" Sirius was crying and he wanted to scream so bad but instead his voice was cracking and he felt his heart crack with him too.
"I couldn't do anything to prevent that so at least, please Remus, please let me help you. I stood there, frozen while you were carried, while Poppy operated on your unconscious body, while you cried. You can't- you can't Remus, just- no-"

Remus didn't think-
Remus thought, that he was- he was fine- it was-
Remus thought- oh god he was such an idiot.

"Sirius I didn't think- I'm sorry- please- sorry- came here. I'm here. I'm safe. I'm with you. It was not your fault. It's okay darling, see?" Remus tried to get up but he winced in pain when his hips wasn't able to hold his body up and Sirius sat on the couch with him.

"Obviously you didn't think- you are mostly fine now but fuck Remus these two days had been awful. I've- I've seen the person I love getting ripped out by a fucking asshole, while I could do nothing. You didn't think- fuck- I thought it was all my fault, that Moony was angry with me, that- that- that-"

"No- no love, no. Please don't think like that. You didn't do nothing. Fuck- I'm sorry Sirius. I'm so sorry. I'm good now. And I will be even more in a few days- I swear-" he took Sirius' face into his hands and watched him in the eyes, Sirius huffed under his breath, cursing and Remus laughed a bit.

"You fucking martyr" Sirius said putting his head on his torso gently and Remus stroked his hair, trying to untie the knots that he had.
Now he understood Sirius messy appearance.
He got them so worried.

"We still have to talk about us" Remus whispered, he was ruining their moment but he couldn't stop himself.
He was afraid that Sirius took pity on him because he had been injured.
He was afraid that in the morning Sirius would have disappeared, that in the very moment he healed Sirius would be angry with him again.
And he couldn't illude himself like that- he couldn't support Sirius far away again.
"I- are you pitying me right now Sirius, are you doing this only because I'm injured?"

"Merlin Remus, no." Sirius snap and he shut up.
"What the hell are you thinking about? I'm doing this because I love you, you dickhead. And my love didn't disappear because you had been an idiot. I still love you tomorrow and the day after."

"Oh-"

"Yeah- oh- fuck for being a swot you are really stupid." Sirius rolled his eyes. "But yes- we have to talk about this" he pointed at them with his fingers. "We have to start again, and this time- no huge secrets between us- we both did wrong. But not now, okay?" Remus nodded, he agreed with Sirius and he was a lot better.
Like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
Remus could now think about healing.

"Sleep with me?"
Sirius nodded and put his body near his, Remus wrapped his arms around his hips and Sirius snuggled on his neck.
"I'm fine Sirius, I swear it. I'll promise to do better."

"I don't need you to do better love, I need you to be safe. You idiot." Sirius said lightly again his skin and Remus felt a shiver along his body. "And now sleep, you fucking idiot. You are in pain and probably tired for the blood loss."

And so Remus did.

With Sirius' heat he felt into a dreamless sleep, hoping that when he would wake up all that crazy shit that was going around them, would be gone.
"Just remember that you are my moon, Moons. You shine when my night is dark, I still need you. I'll always need you." He hard a whisper and he found himself younger, a teenager who had just discovered that he loved Sirius Black.

And nothing seemed to have changed since that.

Remus woke up with a ray of sun that stuck into his eyes.
He tried to crinkle his eyes but a weight was blocking his arm from doing so, so he opened his eyes and started to look at Sirius who was hard asleep near him.
The fact was- he was really enjoying that position but he really needed to piss, so he armed himself with effort and started take out his arm, trying to not wake up Sirius who clearly needed some sleep.

But well- he failed.

"Where y'going?" Sirius mumbled shooting his eyes open and Remus cursed under his breath.

"I have to take a piss, sleep a bit more love, come on" he whispered while e started to caress his hair but Sirius pouted, snuggling up to his chest even more.

"Mmh- no" Sirius complained. "Piss here, I'm sure Effie wouldn't mind"

"Sirius- I love all of you very much but I would totally mind" Remus opened his mouth shocked at Effie's voice and he blushed so hard.
Damn Sirius
"Good morning love, how are you feeling, today?" Effie said to him, with a huge smile on his face and he smiled with her.

"I'm fine- thank you for everything-"

"He's in hell of pain, don't believe him" Sirius mumbled again, getting up from his spot, and finally. He hated the attention.

"Sirius-" Remus sighed, he had to restrain himself from smacking him on the head.
"I feel a lot better-" he said at the end, watching Sirius in the eyes and daring him to contradict him.

"Well- I'm glad to hear that. Poppy will be happy too, she worked really hard to heal you. But Remus- no more intrepid action now, you are on bed rest for a bit."
He tried to argue but one look from Effie and he understood that it was already written, he couldn't do anything.

"Fine."
But he got up and Sirius snorted.
"What? I already said that I have to go to the bathroom."

"Mate!" James screamed and run to him, he actually feared for a moment that he would jump on him, but he stopped himself earlier.
"Oh god, you don't know- I died inside. Remus I love you so much, really, really, so please- don't scare us like that again-" James hugged him and Remus nodded.
He didn't know.

"I'm sorry- I didn't know that he would be there"

"Don't kid about this buddy, you will not apologize on this- just- it's good to have you now." James smiled at him and he noted how even he was a bit rugged up, the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. It must have been really hard on them.

"Don't- don't worry honey. Go and refresh yourself a bit, then if you feel like you can tell us what happened."

And well- it was okay by him, the real problem was that Remus too would like to know what happened.

"Good morning Remus" Monty told him, while putting a bowl in front of him with some eggs.

"Good morning" but he had already half of the eggs in his mouth so it came out a bit weird. "Merlin, thanks, I was starving."

"Don't worry Rem, we got others along with biscuits and fruit, don't choke on yourself" Lily came from behind his back and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"Hi Lils"

"Hi Rem, good to see you standing." And he nodded at her.
He was glad too.
He didn't remember much but the pain- oh well- the pain was a lot.

"Harry?"

"With his dad" the girls said and he moved his gaze and he saw James trying to make Harry drink some milk. Remus always liked to see how James was around Harry, he-
He brightened up.
If that was possible- because james was already a sunny person but with Harry, well- they all knew that he would have been a pretty good father.

"Your mom couldn't stay here for long, but she'll pass again in the afternoon. We thought you would heal better here, where Poppy could come through the Portkey and watch your progress. Is that okay? If you want to stay with your mum we can find something else."
Ah right- now he remembered his mother coming there, he was a bit dissociated at that time but well- he had been rather happy, his mom was really strong and were always capable of getting him better after a rough night.

"No, no it's okay to stay here, if it's not a problem for you"

"Don't be silly dear, we are happy to have you here" Effie said and Remus relaxed on the chair.
He felt loved.

Sirius came back from the bathroom and passing through the table in which he was eating caressed his neck, a gentle touch but it was enough for Remus to lean into his hand. Sirius was telling him that he was there.

And Remus knew that they still had to talk about everything, that they got a bit heated up in those two weeks and that they argued a lot, but they would be there for each other always.
Remus smiled and so did Sirius.

"So- Remus- I'm sorry but probably Moody would be interested later- if you want to tell us what happened. Why was Greyback there? Did you kill him right?" Monty asked and he out his fork down.

"Oh-mmh-" he coughed, sipping a bit of water. So that time had come, right? He didn't really want to remember that time but he probably should.
"He wanted to take care of a nuisance" he grimaced, remembering his grin, his hollow voice and those eyes.

"You-?" James said, shrugging his eyebrows.
Yeah it was a bit weird, he didn't know why but in Voldemort eyes he was a nuisance.

"Yeah- I mean- it was Voldemort who ordered him to do so."

"So- it was not Greyback but- You Know Who- who send him?"

"Yes, he told me so" he nodded. "I- didn't know what to say and he didn't go on because the transition had already started so we couldn't talk much after, he start to follow me-" his breath was getting quicker, his wounds were aching and his head was foggy.
Remus was not at the Potters right now, he was back there, he was fighting for his life again,his hands were trembling, Moony was screaming, the wolves were howling.
It was hard to breathe- hard, hard, hard-
"And he-"

He was there, he was there, he was there.

"He followed me- and I run, I run and I run- but he was fast- faster than Moony- and I run- run- run-"

Greyback was behind him

"And there was no one to help me- and the pain-"

Run, run, run, Moony had to run

"And Moony cried, cried, cried-"

Why is he doing this?

"He didn't understand why he was chasing us, it was so scaring-"

It doesn't matter, just run, run, run

"Remus!"

He was there. The wolf was behind him.

"Rem- Remus- just- stay with me. It's okay, stop- you don't have to go on-"

Remus was still there- he didn't escape him- he was- he was-

<"Moony- please-"
He choked a scream, he was in pain, he was in pain. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't- someone- help- please- he didn't want to die.

He didn't want to die.

"Shit Remus, breathe, you are going to worsen your condition, you are going to hurt yourself, stop, stop, stop."

But pain meant that one was alive

And then-

They were back to normal- the moon was gone- the sun shone on their head but he was still in pain. So much pain.
And he was still scared.
So much scared.

And Greyback was watching him- he was afraid- he was so afraid, he was going to die, without Sirius, without James, without his mother, until-

Until-

Until-

"Love, please. I'm here" a hand was pressed behind in neck, it was cold against his hot skin and he shivered again that. He snapped his eyes open and he saw his surroundings. He took in the house, not the forest, the humans, not the wolves.

Lily.

Effie.

Monty.

James.

Harry.

Sirius.

Sirius. Sirius. Sirius

He took a deep breath and finally his head cleared, his eyes focused again, the wolf inside him calmed down and he was able to stop himself from thinking the worst, his skin didn't hitch anymore.
Merlin- it was bad.

"I'm- I'm okay" he choked out, Sirius' hand still against his neck, his touch firm against his skin and right now it was what he needed something to hold on into reality. Something that made him stay here. That made him understand that he was alive, alive, alive and fine, fine, fine.
"I'm fine" he repeated again, more convinced, thanking Siris with his eyes and Siris grinned lightly at him.

"I think that for today we are good, right? Remus doesn't need to go through that again, it's enough right?" Sirius said and he felt cold at hearing his tone of voice.
Pure ice. Something scaring and dark, something that was screaming Black not Potter. And Remus liked that. Because it was for him.

There were some minutes of silence, everyone looking at Sirius behind his back and Remus would have loved to see his face right now.
His protectiveness.

"Alright, you are right Sirius, we asked too much and too soon. Sorry Remus."
Monty said out of blue, clapping his hands together and putting some more plates on the table.

"No- there is no need, don't worry- I'm-"

"Do you want a bit of fruit Remus?" Effie told him, smiling widely at him and he nodded, glad to not be questioned anymore.

Mostly because-

-he wasn't the one who killed Greyback.

Chapter Text

Christmas 1975

Regulus knew that this day would come.
He knew since the first time Sirius talked about James Potter, since his brother met for the first time kid of his age at school who were better and more childish, who wanted to do some pranks with him, who shared jokes, who were funny.
Regulus knew since he had been sorted into Slytherin and not in Gryffindor, since he saw the look in his brother eyes, so broken and betrayed, like he did choose his fucking sort, like he choose his fucking parents, like he wasn't a fucking child who was thrown in the world of the adults.
Regulus just knew.
But he had been very good at deluding himself that he was the dramatic one, that Sirius and he were okay and that soon they would be back at normal.

That soon Sirius would change his mind.

That soon Sirius would have returned to him.

That soon Sirius would have preferred him instead of Potter.

That soon Sirius would have seen his true value, the value of a Black.

But now he was fourteen and he knew better, after hearing his parents beat his brother to a pulp and after he saw his pensive gaze in those days he already knew that Sirius was ready to bolt away, to run and never return again, to go a turn page, no, not a page, a new fucking book.

Sirius had changed so much that Regulus almost didn't recognize his anymore, and he wasn't enough for him to make Sirius change his mind, few things could make Sirius change his mind, one he was one for them too. Now- now everything was different and he watched on the door his brother packing his things away, hurried and in pain and he understood that it was time to let him go.
Regulus was the person who was capable of understand him the most, so he could see when Sirius had to go. When his wings were about to be cut off.
And he could let them to do this to him.
To switch off his fire.
To placate his bravery.
He couldn't let them.
So now it was time to let him go and made him live freely his dream, have his good and happy family, his fantastic, lovable and amazing brother, his fucking fantastic bets friend.

Regulus felt the need to do at least that for him, for the brother he apparently failed, for the brother that Sirius had been, for all the time that he saved him from their parents' rage, for the time they spent together, for the love Sirius had given him since the first time his brother laid his eyes on Regulus.

At the end he had not been the reason Sirius would stay, he had not been up to that task, their bond had not been enough, and it was all his fault.
But he could one more thing for him.
The last thing but the most important.

He would let him go.

Because he knew that otherwise Sirius would have died for those ideals, because that life was holding him back, because he needed to rebel, to feel part of something.
And their family was not right, they didn't love them, not like the Potters.
Sirius used to tell him about their gifts, their party, their smile, the fact that James wasn't punished like they were, the fact that he could speak freely, he could make mistakes.

How one could make mistakes but not be punished for it?
Regulus still had to understand that, but Sirius never lied to him so person like that must exist and Sirius met them. Lucky him. He only hoped that it was real, that he was not letting him go to another house like their, that they would love him like Sirius deserved, like Sirius wanted. Sirius craved love and apparently the Potters could give that to him.

So Regulus finally entered his brother's room, his mind was racing and saying that leaving was the right thing for him but his heart was complaining, why should he do this alone? Why should he endure this without him? How? Sirius was his big bother he could not go on without him, he was his strength.

His heart was begging him to stay.

And maybe- maybe Sirius would have chosen him.
There was just the last tiny little bit of hope that- maybe- maybe Sirius wouldn't leave him here, alone, with them.

"Regulus-" Sirius blinked while ne noticed his presence, trying to hide the suitcase but Regulus scoffed. A purple bruise was forming around Sirius eye and his nose was bleeding and unnaturally posed, so they broken it a few hours ago and Sirius tried to readjust that.
He did not a very good job, but at healing they were not really good.

"Please brother," Regulus rolled his eyes "I'm not an idiot, let's cut these things okay?" He said but with a lump in his throat, he said that but his mind was hoping otherwise. Was hoping that he would be enough for his brother to remain here, to choose him and not James, to choose him and not his other family. Just because he was enough. Just because of that.

"Well," his brother laughed, but it was something horrible, something broken, something fake. His hairs were messy and his eyes were wild while purple bruises were forming under his chin, purple circled underneath his eyes.
He felt the need to protect him.
"You are making my job easier, than you for nothing." Sirius tried to sound bold but he winced in pain when he tried to move and he saw a pool of blood under his figure, where was he bleeding other that the broken nose and the cut on his face?
Regulus shrugged his eyebrows trying to understand that, to asses their damage on him and the he locked eyes with him, impassible, cold, calculating.
He was the best at that.
At not showing off the emotions he had inside.

"And I don't care about your fucking value, call me a blood traitor or whatever you like, I don't care anymore. I'm getting out of here. You stay and rot with them and their idealism," Sirius almost spit at him, his eyes still wild, almost scared, he wanted to get out of there as soon as possibile. But the poison in his words still cut deep into his heart, deeper than any wound that his parents inflicted them, he was mentally bleeding in front of his brother but Sirius didn't care, he didn't notice.

Not anymore.
They lost the privilege of being brothers time ago.

"Are you already feeling innocent blood on your hands?" Regulus winced at that and then he closed his hands into fists, Sirius didn't understand all that.
It was not like that.
There must be something else out there, but Sirius didn't understand.
Sirius didn't understand why The Dark Lord was doing this, that it was all just for their sake, for restore their privileges as more powerful.
Sirius didn't understand that.
Neither he for a matter of facts, but if his parents joined him he must be special.

Regulus quickly calmed down, they could not attract their attention.
Sirius still had to got away. Even though they didn't believe in the same things it didn't meant he had to suffer their parents' wrath.
It was his gift for him.
For once he would save his brother.

Sirius must go away first.

He would deal with them later.

"You are doing good, getting away" Regulus said, his words showed a confidence that he didn't have at that moment. He was dying inside, but Sirius could not know, well- maybe years ago his brother would have looked in to his eyes and would have saw that he was lying, that he wanted his brother more than everyone, that he was scared shitless, but right now he wasn't the brother that Sirius knew the most.
No- that was James fucking perfection Potter.

And as a matter of fact, Sirius didn't understand that he was doing this for him.

Sirius' eyes got big, probably he didn't expect that, probably he expected Regulus to cry and beg to remain, scream that he was destroying their name doing this, that he was his brother, not Potter, not Pettingrew, not Lupin so he should stay here and suffer with him, together, like always.

"Y-you-" Sirius began, their eyes were fighting trying to understand each other once again, trying to enter in their heads, trying to understand better what the other meant. But then Sirius' eyes darkened, a little laugh escaped from his lips.
Regulus wanted to know what was going on in his head but they had lost that capacity they had when they were little of reading each other's mind.
Sirius was unpredictable.
Sirius was a tidal wave, a storm.

Regulus was trying so hard to follow his thoughts but he couldn't find them.

"Oh- now I understand, dear brother" and Regulus froze at that, Sirius didn't call like that since the first time Regulus had started Hogwarts, but this time it was not in a caring way, Sirius was mocking him.
"You want to play the Little Lord alone. Without me in your way you'll be good, you'll be the only and legitimate heir, you'll have everything. Great game. And here I thought you were the nice one, the pure and innocent soul." Sirius laughed again, contempt in his voice while Regulus was falling and falling and falling down.
"What do you plan to do next? Sell your souls to Your Dark Lord? Fuck- I can't believe it, you're actually worse than them." Sirius scoffed but Regulus heart sank deep and deeper at every word that was going out from his brother mouth.

Little Lord; because he would never be good enough to replace him. He would never be great, he would never get wherever Sirius would have. He was only the fucking spare who didn't deserve anything.

Great game; like he was not trying to save him, like he was not trading his freedom for his brother's one, like he was not choosing him, making him live the life he had always asked, with his new brother, with his new family.

Worse than them; he almost trembled, his legs almost couldn't hold his weight up, this hurt more than a knives, this hurt more than his parent's punishments, this was worse than anything he ever heard. He was not- he could not- he didn't want to be another disappointment. Not to Sirius. Not to him.

And while Regulus had this mental panic about himself, about the person he was and about everything his brother had said, Sirius took his suitcase, his hands trembling, his footsteps unsure, he left some bloody footprints. The blood must be falling from his arm who was hanging motionless and lifeless near his body.
Sirius grunted in pain and he probably was worse than what it seemed.

"It's not why I'm doing this and you know it" Regulus mumbled at the end when he had been finally able to find his voice again, to fight the lump he had in his throat. He followed him in their father's study and he saw near the fireplace, ready to go. His legs were almost giving in, he felt numb, his brother- couldn't believe that he was happy to be there alone?
He wasn't as rebellious as him, he didn't see the world as Sirius did, he didn't befriended muggleborns or James fucking traitor Potter, he didn't believe their ideals, but- but being alone there? It was a fucking nightmare.

"I know it? I'm not sure anymore, little brother. This is always what you asked for, what you hoped for, what you wished for. To be recognized. So no Regulus, I don't know." Sirius grinned at him, something vicious in his eyes and Regulus felt his heart break. Regulus. Sirius never ever called him that. Always Reg, Reggie, Regs. His little brother.
"But you'll never be like they want you to. You'll never meet their expectations. They'll never love you, they hate us, hate you." Sirius leaned near his face, whispering these words to him and he found himself frozen on the spot, his vision blurry.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
They were not like James' parents but they loved them.
They must love them.
They were their parents.
He almost felt sick from that, he didn't- he wouldn't-

"Sirius, no, you- you can't- please you must understand that- I'm-" Regulus didn't want to beg for him to understand, that they loved them, that he was letting him go. They love us- it's- no-nononononononono- but Sirius watched him with big blue eyes like he was not seeing his own brother having a panic attack in front of him.
He knew that gaze.
He knew that look.
His brother was far, far away from him, dissociating, so it didn't really matter anymore. He had already lost him. And it was for the better.

"I don't care anymore Regulus, have your little fun with your beautiful family, since you want to be the only child so bad." Sirius said, he didn't even want to hear him anymore. Regulus' arms wrapped around himself; he needed the confort that once Sirius was able to give to him, he craved his skin, his touch, his smile, but he wouldn't have received none of them than night.
And maybe never again.
They fucked up, in a way that was too bad to readjust with a laugh, with a hand with a touch.
“Potter Manor,” Sirius spoke into the green flames.

"Sirius-" You must understand that I'm doing this for you

But Sirius wasn't there anymore, and his whisper got lost in the air, Regulus still had the arms wrapped around his waist and for a second, for a fucking second he imagined that those arms were Sirius' one, that Sirius chose him, that Sirius hugged him again, that they were little again searching for each other.

He closed his eyes and he reopened them again, coming into reality almost painfully because now he was really ready to let him go.

No more Regulus and Sirius.
No more Black's brothers.

That night, another pair of brothers rose up, the Potter's one.

-------------

“Regulus!” Narcissa beamed when he finally entered in her view and immediately she rose to her feet as Regulus followed with Barty and Evan into the parlour.
“Thank you to be here.” She said to them as the good host she was.

"It's my duty as Regulus best friend, we are all here for him" Evan said and Narcissa smiled nodding at him.

“That’s nice of them.” Regulus rolled his eyes at their lick up because they really didn't give a flying fuck about duty. Then he looked at the living room already booked with people who wanted to drain everything from his body, money, wealthy, blood- he was already tired.

"How did the ceremony go in your opinion?" Narcissa said taking him near the dinner table who was set up with some food and beverage "Did they celebrated it well? Did Rita come and interview you?" Narcissa murmured, his voice dropped since she wasn't in the mood for being judged for her choices. She perfectly knew that they had to be perfect to all those stuck-up nobles who needed to criticize everything.

"It was okay, nothing too big, fortunately even though someone would be against this, he was a Lord he needed to be celebrated. And here is fine, far better than what I would have done."
They were both very good at these things, they both were good at reading what the others people wanted to see, they grow up in that environment and they learned to play their game. So it was obvious that Narcissa was the better choice for those matters.
"And Rita did come there and she was insufferable as always, she seemed to only care about my love affairs but she got bored when she saw I had nothing to say on that matter. Only then she asked me about my role of heir and now Lord."

"Well at the end she gave you your merit"
Regulus grinned at her, not believing that near Rita Skeeter you can talk of merit but anyway. Evan and Barty reached them after they stayed behind giggling to themselves like two idiots in love. Regulus rolled his eyes. Again.

"I'm not sure she did it right. This is the only thing I hate about this title. The fame it would attract. I mean it's good, it helps me with matters and stuff, but I'm not sure if it'll be good in the long run or just a nuisance. Now all the eyes are on me." He shrugged and she hummed.

"Please, your dramatic ass is dancing on your fathers' grave right now. You are fit for the role" Narcissa snorted and he rolled his eyes again. Maybe she was not so wrong.
"Did you see if Sirius was there? I didn't have time to see myself" She asked and his blood froze.
He didn't even think about that.
He didn't even spare a second thought about Sirius or about his sorrow.

"Obviously not. He's not their son anymore, he doesn't care."
And Sirius probably had been busy healing his boyfriend bleeding in their house if he was still alive. If Remus didn't die before.
Because- well- when Regulus left Remus there he wasn't sure he still had a heartbeat.

"Not even for you? He must know your- serious duty as the heir right now."

"Please Narcissa" he scoffed not believing at her words. "He hadn't cared for me since a lot, don't delude yourself. I certainly will not." He did not care about him.
Too much time passed.

Narcissa got silent, her mind racing, a little frown on her mouth and Regulus hated when he couldn't decipher what she was thinking.
“Tea?” Narcissa said suddenly and Regulus nodded, glad for the distraction. Their topic was close and it was better that way.

“Yes, please, for the three of us.” Regulus eyed the delicate tea set warily.

"Milk?” Narcissa asked at Evan and Barty to reliving the tension.

“Just a little, thank you.“ Evan said gratefully

“So,” she arched her eyebrows, “how ridiculous does all those people seem to you?” She gestured at the room with a slight tilt of her head and Regulus smirked while Barty snorted his tea almost out of the cup.

"You were so preoccupied about setting all of this up and they'll not give a fuck" Evan said out of his teeth and Regulus nodded, because he was right.

"Their only goal is to gain your trust. But you did a marvelous job Narcissa" Barty said and he evidently he was not suit for Narcissa because she only glared at him.
Oh Merlin- she absolutely hated him.

"Obviously I did it marvelous, Regulus asked me because I'm the best in etiquette and in organizing these events. You on the other side-" She started to say and Regulus was curious about what she was going to said but then Lucius arrived and she stopped herself, Barty had his eyes widened and Evan was almost laughing hard.
"But I must agree with you about why they are here, half of them didn't even meet Orion during his life, and I find it embarrassing." She continued with a fake smiled on her face and Lucius kissed her forehead.

"Regulus. Good afternoon, I'm sorry for your loss" someone told to him from behind his back and he rolled his eyes, it was extremely rude, but Narcissa out on a face so it must be someone important.

"Thank you, Mr. Nott" Regulus smiled at him while he turned and they exchanged a handshake in the meantime.

"How is your mother? I don't see her anywhere" and well- the act was starting.

"Unfortunately she took the news very bad, she must rest for a bit, till her health is better off, so she really couldn't came"

"What an unfortunate period" Nott nodded and Regulus hummed with him.
"Well now you are the heir so we expect you to take good care of the family name" he smiled and Regulus felt a fucking shiver along his back.

"Of course, I'll hold up our family name" Nott nodded to him, posing a hand on his shoulder and he restrained himself from shaking it away.

“Ah, Regulus!”
Regulus' feet froze as a beaming Bellatrix strode towards him, arms outstretched. For one horrible moment Regulus thought that Bellatrix was going to hug him and tensed every muscle in response.
However, Bellatrix simply gripped his arms tightly where they hung by his sides, and why did she have to do that?
Ugh

“Bellatrix,” he said eventually, trying to not to stare openly at the string quartet he’d just noticed in the far corner of the room, what the hell Narcissa?

“Narcissa, sister,” Bellatrix's attention snapped to Narcissa, “I trust you have been making our guests feel welcome, we received this honor by our little cousin, we must exceed the request of the little Lord.” She said mockingly and he almost bursted out angrily, his palms trembling for the rage he got inside him. He couldn't cause a scene here. And mostly not now. Not with the guest.
One, two, three...

“Of course,” Narcissa smiled tightly, she was feeling the tension in his shoulders and in some of the guests who saw his little nickname.

Little Lord.

He wanted to puke and scream 'not again', people must stop to say that to him, he would burn the world off and make them understand that he was fucking worthy of this fucking name. He was the Lord. Not little, not anything else.
The. Fucking. Lord.

He wanted to rip the skin off his hands so bad but he had to stop himself, he was good, he was fine.
He'll not be a little lord.
He'll be the Lord.
The one who'll destroy Voldemort.

"So? How far is it going for you little Lord? Did you exceed our expectations? They're not a lot, so it'll be easy for you to do a little more"
Bellatrix should not dare to say that to him-

Regulus felt his magic take control over him, it was an usual thing when he was little, it meant that he had so much power that sometime the magic wanted to get free and if he was feeling something emotionally strong, like anger- well- she was gladly going out of his control.

He heard a vase crack and Narcissa looked at him.

"You pretentious bitch, you'll not jeopardize me in front of these people," he whispered, getting near his cousin
"You'll not talk again like this in front of me again, I'm your Lord and you'll learn to keep your place for the family. Or I'll make you. Don't forget who was my father and what i learned from him, I'm capable enough."

"You love to think that you'll be able to keep me in line, but you're wrong. When The Dark Lord-"

"But he's not here, right? He's not here to get your back, am I wrong? So upsi dupsi I don't think you're so safe right now."

"You don't dare to say-" but he shut her up before she could continue with her dialogue. She was boring and annoying.

"Until then I'll lay low, cousin dear, because this Lord learnt for the best" and you should learn to shut the fuck down, he wanted to add but he didn't want to get on her bad side more than he already was. He patted her arm, arching an eyebrow to see if she was going to argue but she kept her mouth close, glaring at him and he smiled at that.
"Better like this, right?" He watched over Narcissa and he saw that she wasn't pleased about that but he hated everything right now and Narcissa was his last problem.

He felt his magic flow uncontrolled, like he was a child again, Bellatrix must have got under his skin more than he would have liked, he felt his skin itch.

“Now, if you’ll excuse us, sister, I’m just going to greet everybody with Regulus, he must present himself with his new title. Right? Lord?”

"Right-" he restrained himself from snap out at her mocking. He continued to count in English, hoping that would be enough to clam him down.
Eleven, twelve, thirteen…

He hated people and now he had to do small talks with them.
Another thing in which he was different from his brother.

He was no Sirius and they pointed it out.
Little Lord.
Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two…

They were not taking him seriously, and Bellatrix showed that to everyone.
Little Lord.
Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight…

If Sirius was here he would have been better.
Little Lord.
Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two…

But Regulus suddenly found himself being directed away from Bellatrix by Narcissa's iron grip on his arm. “Narcissa”
Fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two…

"You know how Bellatrix is, she likes to rile everyone up, it's like a game for her. So keep calm Regulus. And from now on watch your back, she didn't say anything but I know her more than you and you're on her death list right now."

"I had to make a point, they, and I mean all of them, could not see me as weak. I'm the head of the house now, and if you want protection you must be seen as an asset not as a weak spot."

“I know, Regulus, I know. And you pointed out magnificently." Narcissa hissed through her teeth, "Just get a grip on your magic and try to appear sad now,” her right demeanour not faltering as they walked by a man and woman. “I’ll make sure you get through all of this alive and intact. Hopefully.” Her icy eyes were scanning around the room and he sighed defeated.

"Right, thank you so much cousin." he rolled his eyes even though he was not thankful at all. She didn't understand him.

Regulus inhaled and exhaled.
Regulus inhaled and exhaled.
Regulus inhaled and exhaled.

"You'll really thank me after everything"
Yeah sure. He bit his toungue.
"And after all you did good with my sister."

"Thank you Narcissa" and now he was smiling.

"Barty" he whispered between one guest and the other, he was so tired, he almost liked better when he had to fight personally Voldemort.
But at least now he had calmed down.

And mostly of all he couldn't go home, right now he needed to go into Lucius' study.
Regulus was sure of it, what he felt the other day must have been something important, his instinct was telling him that, and his instinct was never wrong.
Never.

"Fuck- if they go on a little more I'm the one killing myself" Barty muttered and Regulus tried to not smile. "I think three person proposed me their daughter."

"I win, you loser. I got six of them."

"Fuck gotta move and find other three moms"

"So you could accept and finally find a good wife?"
Regulus rolled his eyes smirking.
He was glad his mother wasn't here or he would get married like tomorrow. Rich people, really.

"Yes, actually tomorrow I'll host a race between them to see who is more worthy of my company." Regulus snorted because he could imagine them racing to reach Barty's heart.
Unfortunately it was already taken.
And none of them was ready to support him in this life, or in the next one, or- well Barty was a lot to take in.

"Where is Evan?"

"Dunno, he said that he had something to do and asked me if it was okay to go away a bit earlier since his father would have not noticed his disappearance." Barty frowned, his bright eyes a bit worried and he was the same.
It was not good to go alone right now, people were crazy.
War was crazy.
"I told him that it was okay, wasn't it? You don't care about this shit either."

"Yeah, yeah, it's okay. Hope he's not getting into trouble." Barty and Evan were the only family he had left if something was to happen to them it was time to destroy the world.
Like literally.
He would bring hell to heart and he wouldn't care about the results.

"Right- I don't want to keep him on a lash but- I see him more distant in these times." Barty frowned again and Regulus watched him a bit shocked, it was not like Barty to be so open about their relationship.
But he was glad.

"When we get home we can talk about it, if you want" he proposed, it would do good to the both of them. Barty nodded.

"Did you need something from Evan?"

"No- well- yes but you could do the same."

"Anything to distract me from this shit"

"Mh- right- I think you won't be happy about this. I need a distraction. You must keep company to Lucius, Bellatrix and Narcissa. They couldn't be aware of my disappearance."

"Fuck- are you asking me to entertain those snakes?"

"Barty, please, you're the most snake-like than all of them"

"Right- but your cousin literally hates me, Regulus" Barty huffed, biting his lips and he arched an eyebrow. So he noticed too? But well- he's one of the most intelligent person for a reason.
"For how long? What are you planning?" Barty asked and Regulus smiled, he won.

"Dunno- I'll try to be as quick as possibile, I swear."

"And what should I do with them your grace?"

"Improvise, you are good at dramatics. Or talk about your next wife, I think that Narcissa would like that." Regulus snorted because Narcissa would throw knives at him.

"You know what Regulus? I'm gonna to talk about your wife, is it better? And fuck you.”

"And break with these advances the poor heart of Evan?"

"Rot alone and die."

"Thank you Bart, I'll make it worthwhile."

Regulus began to climb the stairs that would take him upstairs when Dobby materialized in front of his face, startling him so much that he almost fell down the stairs.
"Does the master needs anything?" The elf bowed his head until his ears almost reached the floor and Regulus took that time to breath regularly.
Fuck it- he almost had an heart attack.

Regulus cursed under his breath, rolling his eyes. “As a matter of fact yes Dobby, I would like you to go find Evan Rosier downstairs for me, we need to talk about a matter together. Thank you.”

“Of course. Dobby will go and return.” And with a snap of his fingers The Elf was gone.

Regulus had to move.
It was not so difficult for the elf to find out that Evan had already left the room.

He quickly climbed the last remaining stairs and entered the study with a minimum of energy; Lucius probably thought he was too smart and thought he did not need additional protection in his house.

He might have been right
But Regulus would not have made that mistake, not when he was -probably- safeguarding something for Voldemort.

Regulus headed determinedly toward the source of dark energy that he had already felt the last time he had entered the study and stood in front of some sort of drawer.

Part one.
Done.

Now could began the really hard part.

The drawer looked very normal, he searched in, out, next, up, down. Everywhere
And fuck Lucius, he felt the energy, he knew that there was something wiring, he could feel it in his bones, he could feel it on his skin who was buzzing with expectations. It was there- he was so near- so he searched gain, putting more attention at his, looking everywhere.

But nothing.

Nothing at all.

“Fucking git, where did you hide it?” And he punched the drawer who trembled under his strength.

But-

There was a but-

He didn’t give so much force for it to tremble and he clearly saw something off.
He clearly saw the air getting fuzzy.
He clearly saw the trembling that the drawer did, as if it was something else, as if he transformed the object into something else.
Like a drawer not-drawer.

What the fuck was that?

It was not a drawer so wha?
Regulus did that again, he tried to transform the magic around the object, with more strength, looking attentively at it.
And- it was- It was a- safe?
It was charmed to look like a simple drawer in which put things but instead it was where they put inside things.

"Fuck yes!" He smiled at himself. He was almost there, he did it, he was a genius.

Regulus started to take the safe into his hands but he was quickly stopped by footsteps-
“Follow me please” Regulus heard Lucius say and fuck, fuck, fuck- did he closed the door? Was he trapped inside? Was he going to enter?
His blood froze, his breath stuck up in his throat- did Dobby said something?
Was he searching for him?

“Let’s put this into your house with the other one, I can’t protect this and the Lord at the same time” that was Bellatrix’s voice, and what they were doin?
What did they have to put in to the Gringott?

“I’ll take this into the study, wait for me”

“What is happening lads?“ It was Barty’s voice and Regulus could hear Narcissa stop him and asking what the hell he was doing here while he breathed happily.
“Sorry- I heard a lot of magic coming from here I thought it could be dangerous.” But the dialogue stop there, when Bellatrix said something else to him and Lucius that he couldn't decipher.

“Go to Regulus, Bartemius, there is nothing to worry for you here and he surely needs you.” Narcissa said and he could hear the cold in her voice.

Lucius came in front of the door and started unlocking it.
Tap, tap, tap

Fuck- Regulus hid himself under the desk but it was not enough Lucius would have caught him and he was fucked.
Tap, tap, tap

The door opened and Regulus saw Lucius put his first step into the room from the hole between the desk planks.
Tap, tap, tap

He stopped to breathe, to move, to blink. He fucking prayed the fate of the destiny to not been caught.
But Lucius footsteps seemed incessant. He was coming. He was coming for him.
Tap, tap, tap

His frame appeared into the room, going toward the desk where he was.
Fucking hell- what could he say?
Tap, tap, tap

Regulus was not sure he was capable of breathing anymore, he was so still he could feel a drop of sweat running along the back of his neck, his lungs were almost aching from the tension, the air was so frozen that anything, literally anything could make the difference, a fucking mosquito could kill him. Regulus closed his eyes mentally begging for a miracle, he could not believe that this was how his plan was going to fail, at the hands of Lucius fucking Malfoy. It was so shameful for him that he probably was got g to ask to die from his fucking own wand.
Everyone but Lucius for Merlin's sake!
And it was only the start of his plan, he had so many things he wanted to do, like find all the Horcruxes, see Harry once more, greeting James, kissing James, save everyone, meet Luna.
Fuck it. Fuck it for real.

"Actually wait Lucius." Regulus eyes snapped open, not believing that Bellatrix, fucking Bellatrix was the one saving his ass right now. He kept his frame still but he started breathing again, maybe, and just maybe he was safe. But then Bellatrix entered into his vision and Regulus tried to be even stiller than before. She was even crazier than Lucius, she would have killed him on the spot probably, for treason.
“Let’s change place, the boy said that he felt it, I don't want problems until tomorrow” Bellatrix said and he stopped for the first time to think at what the hell they were try to hide so much.

It was an Horcrux?

If it was- they were really lucky.
Regulus must ask that to Barty as soon as possible.

He felt their steps go away and he finally was able to take a deep breath.
That was close- he puffed his cheeks trying to regain some of his bravery.
He almost fainted.

Regulus took the safe again into his hands and he saw all the charms that were hiding it.
What the hell he could do about it?

"Alohomora." But nothing happened, nothing opened at the safe was still a fucking drawer. "Fucking hell" he muttered to himself, it was too much time since he was up there, surely someone would soon go to him.

"Disillusionment charm" he whispered again, but nothing..
"Come on, Lucius is not that intelligent, he couldn't do this, he couldn't be more than me."

"Rivelaincanto" he said, putting more power into it, he was doing it, he had to do it, and finally he could see something out there, the drawer shake and the safe appeared in front of of him.
"It's exasperating-" he watched the safe now, his eyes scanning throughout it and it was- small? Like it contained a book.

Maybe it was a dark book?
Maybe it showed something dark and lost?
Some ancient magic?
Fuck that would be awesome, his part that was so adamant about knowledge woke up his instincts.

"If I just blow it all? I can fix the room later-" Regulus muttered to himself, eyeing carefully the room and taking in the damage he could done, not saying that there were actually guest down there so he couldn't do a lot.
"If I-" he thought, muttering to himself. "Use bombarda to a minimum? To the lower grade?"
He needed to be able to shell his power, he needed to block the spell and then let it go util he reached the right level, but with the exact amount of force and attention he could make it work with a minimal effort and maybe more results.

"Fuck it, let just do it- I'll deal with the consequences later-" and well- it was funny how he entered the room with the thought of doing the least damage possible and then going to explode the entire room.

"Bombarda" he whispered and as he said the word everything exploded.
He tried to contain it, to do the minimal damaged possibile, trying to focus all his energy only on the box and on nothing else, he could do no more harm.
"Fuck-" Regulus hissed in pain, in trying to undo his spell he scratched his hand, and with the blood dripping on the object everything seemed to catalyze. His blood joined the dark magic and-

A minute of utter silence-

The everything imploded.

The room was trembling, everything was going to crumble at his feet on his head, taking with him all of their lives.
And no- just no- he had to save them.
"For the sake of- stop! Stop! Just stop!" He pretended his right hand, closing his eyes, scared that everything would collide on his head.

But nothing moved.

The air was frozen everything seemed to listen to him, until Regulus breathed again and the room felt silent and the safe was not there anymore, instead of it an object.
"What the hell-" he watched the air and the he shook his head, he must have imagined it, he must- he looked on the floor and he saw the thing that was inside of the safe, that Lucius was trying to hide so desperately.

A-

A diary-?

All that problems and time for a fucking diary?

Voldemort was like a fucking teenager- did he had to write his crushes on it?

He took it into his hands, trying to see if there was something written in the inside- but no. It was blank.
No one had written something. It was fucking useless.
"Even in his deathbed Voldemort is fucking with me."

Regulus distractedly put his injured hands on the page, but he winced in pain when it collided with his wound on his palm.
"Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou" he hissed in pain, fucking hell- the dark magic must have reacted with his blood.
Again.

"I just want to rip you off you fucking bitch-"
All that trouble for a fucking diary who was just messing with him.

But then-

Oh-

Just oh-

The blood must have fallen on it.
But this wasn't what he find intriguing.
The blood had been drained by the page.

And-

Hello, my name is Tom Riddle. I see you have found my diary.
Who are you?"

And Regulus grinned.
This was simply awesome.

Chapter Text

September 1972

Bartemius felt a little indisposed when he watched those two snob walk into his common room and then started watching him like he did something wrong to their honor.
He didn't even know them. They were probably Slytherin and he certainly didn't talk to any of them.

"What?" He said when he was absolutely sure that they were both glaring at him and only at him and he was not imagining things like he always did. But he saw the look that the tallest guy was giving him and the boy seemed ready to throw punches at him.
It was funny, because he was in this school for less than a week and he had been able to attract problems -like always-, without even knowing what he did so wrong.
If his father was going to know that he started a fight out of nowhere he probably would be very mad at him.
He smirked slightly at that. He loved to rile his father up, because it was the only time Crouch Sr. looked right at him, yes- well- his father looked at him like Bartemius was his worst mistake- so it was not very nice- but he finally looked at him.
So better that than nothing right?

He watched the two guys again and he was starting to understand, his mind racing and putting all the pieces of the puzzle together.
'Tall guy' was similar to a certain blonde girl who was Ravenclaw as him, Pandora was it, right? Rosier- right. So he must be a Rosier like her. A twin maybe? They seemed old like him.

"You-" the 'Tall guy' -Rosier- said. "You- insulted my sister, you shouldn't have- we-" tall guy pointed at short guy who shrugged at him, "we are here to- to-" they weren't very good at this, tall guy was mumbling and blabbing something about honor and short guy didn't say anything at all since they arrived, probably he didn't even wanted to be here, he seemed more like the quiet guy one could find in a library, but at the same time his eyes gave away something else. Weird. Interesting.

Barty didn't quite understand that duo.
They were- un logical- and he find them pretty amusing, everything that caught his attention was amusing.

But something about the blabbing of tall guy stuck in his mind, Barty didn't want to offend anyone, he didn't understand what they were talking about- he talked to that Pandora only once and- well he found her pretty amusing among all those kids so he simply told her that- so Barty really didn't understand what went wrong-

"I didn't insult her, I only said that she wasn't normal like all of them" he pointed with his finger at the people who shared the space with him, none of them particularly interesting a part from Pandora.
She was different.
Not boring.
Not homologated.
Just- different. He didn't know how, he still had to know her better.

"She's normal! We are normal! Don't dare to say anything like this to her! You- you have no shame! We- Panda-stop it!" The Tall guy said again, his fists glued to his sides and- well- maybe he did something wrong.
Maybe he said the wrong thing again, like always- but he didn't understand- why?
Why they were mad for that?
They- it was good to be- to be different- he was different, his father always said to him that he wasn't normal like the other kids and his mother said to him that it was okay to not be normal, that normal people were boring and he was not.
So why they were insulted by that?
Should he be insulted by that?
Maybe?

"I don't understand" Barty shrugged his shoulders, biting his lips. "You want to be normal? Normality is boring."
He didn't really know how to interact with people, he had always been very lonely, a part from his mother and sometimes his father he didn't see anyone growing up.
He was homeschooled and he didn't need to interact with other boys or girls his age, so he didn't know how to share a space with them or how to talk at all.

So when he told them that they weren't normal it was not- a bad quality, Barty thought, but sometime it was difficult to explain those things so he decided to keep this to himself.
It meant that they were better.
Different.
Particular.
Interesting.
Right- interesting was the right word.

"Reg!" Tall guys said to short guy who was only watching their conversation, without doing nothing.
Reg?
Regular? Not quite-
Reginald? Ow-
Regolo? Uh- ew

He watched short guy - Reg- and he saw that he was glaring at him with his big gray eyes, his eyebrows a little bit arched, his mind rolling around, trying to understand him and Barty finally smiled.
For the first time someone was watching him, listening to him, his father always treated him like he didn't even exist, like he was a no one.
But right now someone was seeing him.
Reg- Reginald- Regis- Regino- was watching him, his head a bit crooked to his left.

"I think that I understand what are you trying to say-" the boy said and Barty light up with joy. "Normality is boring and Pandora is not boring. She's special." he continued and Barty slightly nodded at him.
It must not be that difficult if short guy understood it, right?
"But you made her cry, so I must take action for it, hope you understand that." And Barty almost laughed at that.
Who was this guy? The prince? Take action for it? Hope you understand that?
Who talked like that?
Now he would call him 'posh guy'.

But at the end he agreed with him.

He made the girl cry so he'll see what posh guy was going to do.
And well- he really tried to punch him, he must compliment him for the effort, because he really tried.
But- well- posh guy didn't know how to land a good punch.
He fell nonetheless.
Barty didn't want to offend posh guy after he said that he was right.

"Uh- ouch- mmh-" he said, on the ground, massaging his cheek and posh guy rolled his eyes.

"I surely didn't punch you so hard. Shut up." he said and Barty grinned for the first time, they were a bunch of weird people but he liked them.
School was fun.

"Bartemius" he extended his hand and posh guy took it, while helping him get up.

"Regulus" he said after a while and tall guy reached them. Barty snorted. Regulus. He didn't know if it was better Reginald or Regulus or Regulo.

"Talk for yourself Bartemius" Posh guy- Regulus- said.

"Evan" said tall guy, still mumbling a bit, avoiding his gaze. He wasn't very happy that he and Regulus became immediately friends but barty would make him change his mind.

"I didn't mean to offend your sister, I'm sorry. I meant well. She's special."

"Tell this to her, she's the one who took offense. We did our job" Evan mumbled and okay. He could do this. He could make her feel better.
"That punch wasn't even that good" Evan said again and Regulus rolled his eyes while Barty smiled.

"Did you want to do it? I'm sure Bartemius here wouldn't mind."
They were weird.
But they were going to be his friends.

Later that night Barty would crawl near the fireplace, where Pandora was reading a book, her gaze assorted, her long blond air that were falling constantly in the middle between her eyes and the book, the finger who were caressing the pages.
She only gave him a little glance and then she returned to her book, he was both worthy of her attention. And he hated it.

It was like getting home again.

It was like being with his father again.

A mere presence, for Crouch. Senior who didn't want him.
Who didn't even know he had a child until the next day when he finally gave himself some time to return and didn't found his mother at home.

Barty knew that she had really been offended from before, and even though Regulus and her brother forgave him, Barty was going to make her feel better.

He didn't want to argue with her, not when he didn't mean anything bad.
He didn't want to be treated like when he was with him. Not here.

"Never believe that you are anything other than what might seem to others that what you were or could have been was nothing but what you were that would have seemed to them to be something else.” Barty said, and Pandora started giggling at the middle.

"What?"

"It's from a book, my mom's favorite." He said and the he continued "I like you as you are, even though everyone seems to be a dick about it, I like it." Barty finished, a whisper in the air, thinking of his mum made him always pretty sad, she was so sick that she would not be here for long. "I didn't meant to offend you earlier, in fact it was a compliment. You are welcomed in our mad group"

And well- the sad gaze returned on her face and his heart cracked a bit, he hated that they made her feel like that.
"But I don't want to go among mad people" she whispered and he almost laughed.

"Oh well- you can't help that, we are all mad here, Alice" she watched him with a skeptical gaze, a little quirk at the end of her lips and he grinned with her too.
"And normality is overrated, dear Alice. You'll soon understand that. Your brother and posh guy are in this group too."

She thought about it for a some time, the silence was among them but it was nothing bad, just some air suspended between them, nothing too much or too heavy.
The clock was ticking as the time passes by between them.
They interlocked their gaze and Pandora's one was cleared, happier, her white teeth were almost showing themself in a huge smile.

"Posh guy?" She brought a hand to her mouth and Barty smiled with her.

"Shit- don't say to him that I called him that"

"I'll absolutely will- tomorrow morning is the first thing I'm going to say to him!"

"Do I have to expect another punch from him?"

"Please- we are talking about Regulus, posh guy as you call him"

"You are right" Barty smiled and Pandora laughed near him. She had a nice laugh and he loved to make her laugh. She had a beautiful smile, similar to Evan one.

"So talk to me about this book"
And well that was the start of their friendship.

------------------

Barty cursed his friend's name under his breath.
Why was he always putting himself in these situations for him?
Why could he not have a normal best friend? One that liked to listen to music, go to theatre and go for walks, instead of searching fucking Horcruxes?
Well- he would be a lot more boring without him, so he usually didn't complain but this- this was the worst thing possible.

He hated Regulus' family.
And they hated him too.
Sr. Crouch's son, a disgrace for them, they tolerated him just because he swore his loyalty to the Dark Lord.

But here he was, trying to small talk with Narcissa and the other crazy cousin Bellatrix while they were both trying to sneak something inside Lucius' office without being noticed, but unfortunately for them he was Sr. Crouch son, so nosy, an ex Ravenclaw, so more intelligent than the average person and more importantly he was bored, extremely bored, so inclined to troubles.
And if someone counted that Evan wasn't even there, well- it was the start of some catastrophe.

"Where is my cousin?" Narcissa said to him, cold and serious while gazing his figure like assessing something, probably she was asking herself what did Regulus find in him that made him worth of being his best friend and he grimaced rolling his eyes.

"He is out and about." Barty said coldly and evasive, not sparing her a second glance, she wasn't the only one who could play that game, he was very good too.

Narcissa wasn't obviously happy with his response, she shrugged her eyebrows while watching in the room. "He's not here? It's not good for the Lord to go away without greeting the guest" she crunched her nose in distaste.

Barty rolled his eyes. He hated them, the purebloods, so put on with a stick in their ass. Fuck Regulus had just lost someone and they cared about etiquette and all that shit. It didn't matter that Regulus didn't care about Orion, but fucking hell that was a nightmare.
"Merlin Narcissa, let the boy live, he's probably outside taking some air" he muttered under his breath while smiling at the same time.

"He could not. He has a duty now."

"He always had, don't joke about that. Since he was fourteen and Sirius escaped he started running this-" he pointed at the room with his hands. "Regulus had never found an ounce of peace since Sirius went away and we all know that, and most importantly he's not a fool, stop treating him like one."

"I know he's not a fool, he has never been. Quite the opposite. That doesn't mean that he isn't still my little cousin."

"He stopped being little a long time ago." Barty shrugged, it was sad but it didn't make it less real. Regulus had never had the pleasure of being little.
Like most of them.

She must really think about that because she froze, like she had been slapped in the face and Barty is not sorry about it, he hat5ed that they were being secretive with Regulus, he hated that they watched him endure all that alone without doing nothing, he hated that they always had made him feel less and lesser even though he's one of the most intelligent person he had ever knew.
Regulus was his best friend, almost a brother, and he hated how he always felt to be not enough to all of them, how he'll always search for some recognition from them that he'll never be able to obtain, because for them he'll never be enough.
And Barty hated how Regulus was fixed with them just because they were family.

"You're right" she mumbled and Barty could take this as a victory but at what price? He shrugged his shoulders, Narcissa didn't need an answer and he was done small talking to her. But surprisingly she's the first one to interrupt their silence.

"Please, stay near him, keep him safe" she started to say. "If he starts to avoid you, or well closing off- It’s not you. There’s a lot of pressure on him at the moment, and I think that it's not only because he just became Lord but because he's trying to do something dangerous.”
Narcissa patted his arm once before drawing away. Her fingers moved to his bow tie, leaning a little so their dialogue would not be eavesdropped. She deftly began to untangle the material before continuing to speak.

"I'll do my best, the same as I'm doing now. You don't even know what we went through." and she really didn't. He was there when Regulus broke down that one time, he was there when Regulus cried his eyes out when he thought that he was worthless, when the people who should have loved him weren't there, when his brother left him, when James left him. He was there. He watched his best friend's light went out, extinguish day after day. And He had been there to put the pieces back.

“Bartemius, I don't like you very much, but Regulus is very fond of you, so I'll follow his judgment and I'll accept you here, in this family." She interlocked eyes with him and Barty felt a light shiver along his back so he started smiling like crazy.

He liked how dangerous she was to him right now.
He knew that Narcissa could kill him in the spot if she found out what he and Regulus were doing at the moment but he found it amusing.

"I don’t suppose I have to tell you that Regulus finds it very difficult to make friends, so perhaps you can already understand that he doesn’t always react in the right way. I really shouldn’t be telling you this at all, but I’m sure you would never use anything I am about to say to you against my cousin.”

“And how do you know that?” He whispered, a little danger in his voice, a little challenge, even though he was loyal to Regulus to the bone, right now he could ruin Regulus live with a snap of fingers but she couldn't know that and he wouldn't do that. It was just thrilling to think of it.

“I don’t know, and I hate it.” her fingers stilled their ministrations for a moment. “But I just feel like I can trust you with Regulus. And it's strange. But I think that-" she paused like thinking at something. "You can be each other's strength in the long run. Not ruin this. Not ruin my cousin. Or you'll see what I'm capable of. I'm still a Black."

"Oh, you must be intelligent enough to catch me if that happens" Barty smiled at her and he saw her rage in her eyes, he woke up the dragon who was sleeping.
"But there'll be no need for that, I'm loyal to him. Only him. And Evan. We came together. So you can sleep your night peacefully about that" he crossed his fingers to his heart and grinned. Narcissa rolled her eyes in a movement too similar to watch Regulus did when he was upset and that made Barty laugh more.

“Remember Bartemius, Regulus will one day be a great lord, right now he still needs a little of time to adjust himself, but he'll arrive there, at the top" Narcissa couldn’t keep the hint of pride from her voice, “But sometimes even he needs someone, not a guide, because he doesn't want to follow orders, but a friend.” And with that Bellatrix arrived, a weird scent around her, she was keeping something to her side, but obviously she used some sort of charm to not make the object visible.

The sisters nodded at each others and Lucius went near them, as quickly as he could while being tampered by guests.
They started whispering something hurriedly and Bellatrix moved his hands, how could they be so obvious in a room full of people Barty couldn't know, but that was better for him, they just made his job easier.
The thing that Bellatrix had in her hands must be one of those horrible things that Regulus what talking about.

An Horcrux.

He could feel the dark magic coming from her and it was like that a part of his being were sucked out of him, as if the soul that was trapped in there was still trying to get out, still trying to fight a destiny that they didn't choose.
He felt the air darkening and the room freezing.

Interesting. He should tell this to Regulus.

They started going up at the stairs and Barty cursed.
Regulus was still there and they could not find him in whatever he was doing that neither he knew.
He followed them quickly, he would think later at what to say to them.

"Why are we doing this again? In my opinion we're attracting more attention like this than leaving the cup at your house" Barty heard Narcissa say and he agreed mentally with her, he was breathing slowly, trying to not make any sound, right now he could understand more about their plan than actually going to ask.

"Because I said so." Bellatrix said and Barty course them from where he was at the top of the stairs but he could swear that Narcissa just rolled her eyes. "Mostly it's the fact that Our Dark Lord is recovering at my house and I don't want to waste my energies in two places, we'll put the cup here with the other one, if one is safe the other one will be as well" and fuckfucfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Regulus was getting the other horcrux right now.
Regulus was going to be discovered in Lucius' study poking his nose around without permission with a dark item in his hands.
Bellatrix would kill him on the spot.
He had to stop them at all costs.

“Follow me please. I’ll take this into the study” Lucius said and Barty popped out with his most innocent face, like he was just getting out of the bathroom and he casually found himself there.

“What is happening lads?“ It was Barty’s voice. "Is it everything okay?" And the glare that Lucius gave him that night he will remember it forever. It made him grin even more.

"Crouch" Bellatrix said and he saw a weird glint into her eyes, oh- she was going to kill him probably.
But Narcissa stepped in.

"Not now Bella, we still have guests downstairs" she mumbled but not low enough for him to not ear those words. He grinned maniacally. Those things were all boring but the Blacks sure knew how to entertain someone.
"What are you doing here?" Her voice dangerously low.

“Sorry" he held up both his arms. "I didn't meant to prod, I just heard a lot of magic coming from here, I thought it could be dangerous. You know- Order's attacks and everything- we're not really safe.”

"Bullshit" Bellatrix said smiling viciously "we should kill him, he knows too much. Can I kill him? Let me do it please?"

"Know-" Barty tried to make his most innocent face, like her treats meant nothing to him, which it was, because he was not scared of her. "What exactly should I know-? I just thought that something was off- but- if it's all okay-" he shrugged his shoulders.

“Go to Regulus, Bartemius, there is nothing to worry for you here and he surely needs you.” Narcissa said and he could hear the cold in her voice.

"Narcissa" Lucius said. "I don't know-" well- they surely were the most subtle person in this world. Even if he was dumber he woudl have understood that there was something off there.
Idiot.

"He's Regulus best friend, let him go. He knows nothing. He's just a child" Narcissa cut in and Lucius seemed to think at something.

"You're right, Regulus will not be pleased if his best friend disappears suddenly." Lucius said again after some moment and Barty sighed, passing a hand into his hair.
He was alive but Regulus was still in danger, because now Lucius was going directly in to his study without no one to stop him.

He moved, make them believe that he was going downstairs but he stopped right at the middle of the stairs.
Fuck- he failed Regulus.
But not everything was lost- if he moved fast enough he could create a diversion-

He could cause an explosion down there to make Lucius stop?
Or maybe- he could kidnap Draco?
Fuck- yes- that was it- where did they keep him? Where was the nanny?

He was almost going in to Draco's room when he heard quickly steps that were returning and he almost fell on the stairs in trying to get down as soon as possible, he came in to the living room and half of the room turned to watch him.
Fuck- he didn't felt this scrutiny from someone since he went to Hogwarts and they did something awful to Slughorn, who obviously knew that it was their fault but he couldn't prove that to Dumbledore. That man was fucking hilarious.

He coughed a bit and moved his hands to make them turn again to whatever they were doing before and in that moment the three decided to return at the celebration.
For someone who was very adamant of etiquette they left everything without a second thought, even though they probably thought that Regulus was the one entertaining them.

Unfortunately for them he was not.
And Barty was getting anxious.
Maybe- he was dead? Maybe they killed him? Oh fuck- he was the one that caused his best friend's death.
Oh fuck- they killed him- oh Jesus Christ- oh God- but they really had killed him and returned down like that? Oh God-

"Where is my cousin again?" Narcissa said to him and he almost jumped. "I think he played too much"

"Fucking hell Narcissa, please make your presence known to our mere mortals. You almost gave me an heart attack" but she just glared at him with an arched eyebrows and he rolled his eyes "I'm not his guard dog, I don't know where he went, maybe he's getting laid, it's good for health you know?" He looked up and down at her, if she was asking about Regulus he must be still alive.
"But I gotta say that with Lucius as husband I can't be so sure." He pocked at her and he saw her eye twitch a bit and he congratulated himself mentally.

"Oh- you're not his lap dog? My conception must have wronged me. Weird huh?"

"Sometimes it happens" he mocked her.

"Do you two perhaps think that I'm stupid?"

"I don't know if you want the honest answer or the poetic one"

"You can't be poetic even if that depends on your life."

"Oh that you are right"
And then he heard something, his magic was fizzling around, a little bit unsteady, attracted to the new source of energy and Barty knew that something had happened with Regulus. He was the only one crazy enough to use an amount of magic that could cause an explosion with some guests downstairs.
Point one, this meant that he was still alive, so he didn't cause his premature death.
Point two, probably Narcissa and the other thirty people in there felt that too.

She turned and he almost banged his head on the wall but for some good grace Snape and Rabastan made their way to them, along with Lucius who was talking to them about something.
He had never been that happy to see Snape in all of his life, and that meant a lot of things. He despised Snape.

"My condolences Mrs. Malfoy." They both said almost in unison "Where is Regulus? I want to greet him as well" Snape asked right away and Barty took back what he said earlier.
He hated Snape.
He always had to put his fucking nose in their business.

"I was asking myself the same thing" Narcissa said watching him carefully and he hated how she knew that was going on something with then, he still cursed Regulus name while he was thinking of saying that he had to flew away fast for something like diarrhea, not so elegant but affective.

But thanks to Merlin and all the deity he saw Regulus coming down from the stairs with a smudge look on his face. He started grinning already knowing that regulus had been able to complete the mission and for a moment he forgot the horrible half an hour that he just passed.

"Here he comes" he said shrugging his eyebrows, fainting innocence. "Hey dude where did you go? I couldn't find you anywhere" Barty gave him a quickly look and fuck- it seemed that Regulus had fought again a hundred of lions, his hair were ruffled, his eyes blown and he had some drop of blood along his sleeve, he must have injured himself in whatever he did up there.
Lucius watched him throughly and Barty gulped, did he see him up there? Did he know what they were trying to do? But then Regulus watching him in the yes before speaking up.

"Just in Draco's room, I missed my nephew" Lucius watched away and Barty didn't know the dialogue that passed between them in that moment. He only thought that it was the lamest excuse he could think off but who fucking cared right now, they did it and they wouldn't know.

"So caring" Snape interrupted them with his usual cadence and Barty felt the need to punch him right there in his nose. "didn't know that it was in you"

"You don't know a lot of things about me" Regulus smiled dangerously and he felt a shiver along his back, he liked this version of him, wild and free.
"Don't I, now?" Snape said and Barty asked to himself if he was trying to make a point, but he was failing so much, or if he was just dumb. Everyone knew to not rile up Regulus.

"Right- like I could believe you, you pathological liar" Narcissa mumbled under her breath, watching them with an arched eyebrow and Regulus grinned.

"What? Did you miss me so much? Jeez sorry, I'll leave a note next time or I don't know keep your hand" Regulus rolled his eyes and Barty coughed laughing.
"Are we done here?"

"Regulus" Narcissa said dangerously and he waved her off with one hand.

"I had been here all day and I'm quite tired, sorry cousin, I'll greet the guest and go" Regulus fucked yawned and Barty nodded with him.

"You're the lord now"

"Exactly. And as I said I'll greet the guest and go" Regulus watched him and he quickly followed behind him, he didn't care if he looked like he was his guard dog following him around, he just wanted for it to finish, stop, end everything and his life with him.

"You owe me a huge favor Regulus, you don't even want to know the shit I did."

"I know Barty, I know, but when you'll see what I got I swear that everything you did was worthy" and Barty grinned because things were finally moving on, because they finally were getting somewhere and it was fucking awesome.

Chapter Text

They returned home in no time, Regulus was excited about the diary and he had to show that to Barty and they had to start planning how to get the most from this fucking fantastic discovery.

"So? What are you so excited about?" Barty inquired him and he grinned viciously.

"Look here" Regulus said pointing at the diary in his hand and Barty shrugged, watching skeptically at the brown old thing that he had in his hands.

"I thought that Voldemort was more stylish than this, how old is this thing? I can see that it has even some fleas on it."

"I think that it's from his childhood, but it's not everything dumbass, open it." Regulus said, he couldn't contain the fact that he was almost excited, little thing could do that to him.

"What?" Barty opened it and flip through the pages. "They are empty Reg, everything's alright?" He moved to taste his forehead but he scooted away rolling his eyes. Why didn't he think of it sooner? Obviously it would disappear, he was one of the most powerful wizard so it was like a game to him, and to make Regulus appear like a crazy.
"But I can feel the dark coming out of here, so I'll give you the benefit the doubt"

"How nice of you, really" Regulus scoffed, he hated being wrong, he didn't imagine it, it had not been the side effect of the loss of blood, it considering the drop that fell on the ground loss of blood. He had worse and without side effects.
No- there was something else.
Did he need blood to activate it?
Did he need to cut himself open to demonstrate his point?
But it was a diary, and Voldemort probably had used that thing like that so- maybe a simple pen would be enough?

"Reg? Seriously are you okay? You went in this thoughtful mood and it's quite scaring- I'm not used to your thinking."

"Bitch" Regulus grinned, glaring at his best friend who smiled at him.

"Asshole"

"Shut up, idiot"

"Is this the best you can do?"

"I'm trying to think here"

"Just try not to hurt yourself too much" he just gave him the middle and took the diary between his hands.

"You're useless" Barty flip him a kiss and Regulus rolled his eyes again.
What an idiot. Really.
Barty was one of the smartest person alive but if one counted the time in which he really tried to do more than the necessary- well- they were few.

He went at the kitchen table and took a pen.
He didn't think very much at was he was going to write, he just wan to make a point.

Hi Tom Riddle, I'm-
He stopped himself, he didn't think about that- he- he probably shouldn't use his real name, he didn't know if Voldemort could track his diary or the person that was writing inside it but it was better to prevent that form happening.
"A name Barty, I need a name-"

"A name?"

"Yes, quickly!" But the ink was already disappearing and Regulus watched how the page absorbed his words.

Who are you? How did you find my diary?

"Fucking hell- it's brilliant!" Barty exclaimed and Regulus smiled triumphantly.

"See! I told you!" And Barty mocked him with his hands.

"Quickly! Write a name stupid!"

"I don't really know!"

"How useless can you be?"

"You're the one to talk!"

"I'm getting anxious, please answer to the gentleman"

"The gentleman? Are you stupid Barty?"

"Dora!"

"Dora? Like Pandora?"

"Yes! And it's Dora not Pandora, shut up"

"Why a woman?"

"Regulus I swear to Merlin that if you don't write it right now-"

"Alright! Alright! I'm Dora form now on"

"Nice to meet you Dora."

I'm Dora, I find this diary in a library, I thought that I could use it to talk about everything that burden me- but maybe I'm disturbing you

"What things Regulus?" Barty interrupted him and Regulus cursed under his breath.

"I don't know! I just want him to open up to me, I'm not that good at- talking." Regulus grimaced he didn't really know what he was doing.

"You cold, old, emotionless man-"

What things?

Barty looked at him like 'see? This is what I was talking about' and Regulus rolled his eyes for the tenth time that night.
"Are you sure that he's Voldemort?"

"I don't know, but he said that his name is Tom Riddle" Regulus shrugged and- well- maybe they were neared than they thought? Maybe Tom Riddle was the final piece to Voldemort identity? But what if he was wrong? What if instead Voldemort was just a kid who found the diary like 'Dora' and talk with this Tom too? What if he caught it wrong? Were they losing their time?

I don't know if I can tell you

Barty snorted but then he returned serious."Wait-" he opened his mouth and the he closed it again.
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, just wait- you said Tom Riddle right?"

You can tell me everything, we're safe here

"Fuck, fuck, fuck" Barty cursed and Regulus almost jumped.

"What Barty? What?"

"I know it- I know- I've already seen a Tom Riddle- but where? Where? Where?" Barty took his head between his hands and Regulus started to watch him expectantly. "Just- where?"
This- this was good- if Barty just-
"Shit- I need to put everything in order- but I'm there- almost- I can feel it grabbing my mind-"

"Barty I swear to Merlin that I'll kiss you like in this moment if you remember something remotely useful-"

"Ew- no- retreat that- immediately" Barty snorted and Regulus smiled.

"Alright, I'll not kiss you if you remember it-"

"I can and I will Regulus- everything to make this easier. Give me two hours." Barty closed his eyes and he knew- Barty was going to resolve the puzzle. Barty was going to give him the key to finish this war.

"Alright Barty, I'm trusting you"

--------------------------

January 1978

Pandora felt that something that day was bad.
She was like that, she sometimes could predict something, feel something, tell that something was not going where it had to.
And that morning it was the same.

And she knew that something was wrong with Regulus. She saw that something was off in those days, since they returned from the holidays Regulus was acting strange, weird, lost in his mind, they all knew that something had happened - like always- but they always let Reg took his time, they always let Reg work his things straight, because the boy hated to be cornered, he hated to be questioned, it made him feel trapped like when he was at home, and they didn't want to scare him off, so they let him do his things without asking too much. He was smart, intelligent, too much for his own good, and he could take care of himself.

Most of the days.
Not that day.

Regulus was usually very good at hiding his emotion, those grey eyes of his were capable of saying nothing and everything, and it was unsettling for a lot of people, but not for her.
She had learnt to read those eyes.
And what she found that morning was not very good, but she didn't thought of it too much.

And this is why Pandora felt so guilty.
Because she saw that something was bound to happen but she didn't do anything to prevent that, she could have asked him, have stopped him between one lessons and the other, but she didn't, too caught up with her things, Xenophilous and their homework.
They just returned from the Christmas holidays and she had a lot to do, so she said to herself that she would talk to him that evening at dinner, that everything would be good even if they waited for some more hours, that Regulus was always fine so it shouldn't matter too much, he must be just tired, nothing else.

Nothing else.

Nothing else.

But when neither of them saw him in the Great Hall for dinner- she knew.
She knew that something didn't go as planned, that she made a mistake, that everything was wrong, wrong, wrong..

"We have to go" Pandora said hurriedly, getting up from the table and almost running to the Slytherin common room and the other followed.
They did understand very early to not question her when she was this agitated.

"What?" Evan was able to manage, between one breath and another.

"Something is bad, Regulus is bad. I can feel it" Pandora said and Barty cursed, going faster. "I know, I know, I know, I just know" she started to hum under her breath.

"We'll- he'll" Dorcas tried to say "Be okay- right?" She wanted to sound convincing but she wasn't.

"Regulus" they called when they arrived in their room and they didn't expect to find him rolled up in a ball of black fur on his mattress, his head hidden between his legs, his ears down, maybe sleeping, maybe not.
He transformed himself.

"He transformed himself" Dorcas said voicing her thoughts.
This was worse than bad.
Regulus used to transform in his animagi form only when he wanted to gain something, go for a walk at night or when he wanted to stop feeling, because it was easier that way, because he felt less when he was a cat than in his human form.
And- And when that happened- it meant that Regulus was near to the cliff, ready to jump in and never resurface again.
It meant that they were near to lose him into his own head.

"Pandora- can you go- can you get him?" Barty whispered. "Please- tell me-"
Barty couldn't do that.
He wasn't very capable of being kind.
He was the best at giving advice, at being the rational guy who found solutions, but other than that- it wasn't his area of competence.

"I'll-" Pandora started to say, the eyes of her friends on her back, watching her expectantly and she breathed in, trying to calm herself down, because she couldn't- she didn't- Regulus needed her at her best. "I can try-" she whispered at them.

"Ari-" he patted the cat on the head and he lazily spot her, his tail unmoving, his body froze on that spot he craved for himself.
Even in this form Regulus couldn't stop his mind from racing and pacing.
It could go terribly wrong.

She sat next to him, his head still between his toes but his eyes were watching every move she made, ready to jump away? What was he expecting from her?
"Ari- please- come back to us" she whispered again.
And again.
And again.
She only prayed for him to come back, nothing else, no talk, no hug, no things to do, only to come back, because if he didn't- well- he was lost forever.

The hours passed and he was not turning back.

So she tried hard.
But she failed.

And she tried again.
And when she failed again, and gain, and again she started to panic, because ti was not good when one couldn't or didn't want to go back, he could remain trapped like that forever and if this was what Regulus wanted right now there was nothing they could do to to reassure him.

So she tried harder and harder.
She was not ready to gave him up.

They went restless, no one could move, they only watched.
"Ari please, turn to us, we are here for you, we are here, I swear that everything will be good. We are here, we are here, we are here for you. It's okay, alright? Everything will be fine, it's alright"

And finally- finally the cat moved.
Ari's tail wiggled a bit, helping his body to move, he was trembling a bit, his paws unsteady under his weight, because he didn't move for a long time.

But it was okay.
Because little by little the cat moved.
Little by little he posed himself in her lap.
Everyone breathed for the first time that night.
Everyone knew that this was an improvement.
And they were clinging on every move he did towards her, their breath came out lightly every time Regulus moved his head to watch them, to acknowledge them, to gaze at them.

"Right- you are right, like this Ari. I know you can. Ane we are here and we are proud of you." And maybe that was what he wanted to hear.
Because Regulus transformed back.
Finally he gave in.
Finally he posed his head on her lap and she could took a deep breath.
Regulus was there. Regulus was with them. His head was touching her tights and his curls were tickling her hands.
This was enough.
They would think of anything else later, when he was ready.

But no.

They weren't ready.

They weren't ready for his sobs, for his broken cries, for his trembling body.

And everyone was still on edge. Again.
Because what the fuck?
What happened? Who could reduce their boy light this? Their golden boy?

"Ari- Ari please, talk to us- what's wrong? You're with us, you're okay, we're here, we're here for you." She said and Dorcas nodded along, but she stayed away, like she didn't want to interrupt them. And right now Pandora didn't even know if regulus knew that they were all here for him. He seemed so lost.
So gone.
Far away.
Like he turned back but he didn't really.
Like he turned back but he wanted so hard to be a cat again.

"Please- please honey- you're going to choke, you can't go on like this you need to breathe." She started massaging his shoulders, caressing his back. "Like me, in and out, in and out." But Regulus didn't stop, he couldn't stop, something was keeping him down there, down the cliff, making him sob, cry his eyes out and it wasn't gone.
He needed to free everything he felt inside but she was so scared, she was so afraid for him, for her boy, for her best friend.

"I don't know anymore. I don't know, I don't know, i don't know. I just want everything to stop, please, stop, stop, stop. Make it stop. Why can't I be normal? Why do I jave to ruin everything? Everyone? Why? Why? Why? What's wrong in me?" Regulus was having an hysterical attack and they didn't know what to do, they didn't know that regulus could be like this, they didn't even see Regulus like this, and it was very wrong to think of him as impeccable and always put together but regulus was that, they saw him like that.

"Ari- you didn't ruin anyone. Why- what?" She felt a lump in her throat.
What was he saying?
Why now?
What had happened in those holidays?
Regulus' holidays were always bad, and with bad she meant the worst but nothing- nothing like this ever happened.

"I do! I ruin everything around me! Because I'm weak and stupid and fool and- and- I'm the worst man alive, the worst thing on this world. I don't deserve to live!" Regulus cried and cried and Pandora stopped her hand for a solid minute.

"Regulus, please don't- don't- no-" Barty was there, froze, watching the brother he never had having the worst breakdown one person could have.

"First Sirius goes away a leave me like that, making me think that maybe, and I mean maybe there is something wrong with my perception, with my parents" Everyone watched him because, there was indeed something wrong with that family but for Regulus it had ever been all bullshit, every family had to be crazy, mad and abusive, he grow up like that so it must be like that for everyone else.

"And then- then when I was questioning everything about myself Voldemort came to our house, you know?"
No. They didn't know. He never said that. But Regulus didn't always said everything. He was like that, they liked to thing to know him but they didn't, they knew that best part of him, he always left out what his parents did or what they asked him for or anything else.
"And-" Regulus sobbed into Pandora's lap while she stroked his hair, she tried to say that it was okay, but Regulus was so not okay that it was hard to lie like that.

"And- and you didn't see him okay? You didn't meet him. But he was so- he was so fascinating that I believed him. I believed in everything he said. I believed in what he said because for the first fucking time in my life someone was seeing me okay? He looked into my fucking eyes, I was scared shitless, Sirius just got away, my parents beated me to a pulp, I was miserable and weak but he looked into my eyes and he smiled at me! At me! Someone smiled at me like he was proud of me! And then he said that I was better than Sirius!" Regulus was trying to scream so hard but his voice came out like a whisper, barely there like he was there but he wasn't really, like he went there again and witnessed his meet with Voldemort for the first time again and again and again.

"He said that I was better, because I didn't escaped, because I wasn't weak, that I was brave, that I was intelligent and that he wanted me as his soldier because he saw something in me that no one else had." Regulus cried, his sobs were making him hard to breath and she was afraid that he would collapse, he would faint like there, in the middle of a panic attack, and they couldn't do anything to prevent that, Regulus needed them and they couldn't do anything for him.
Regulus was always there when they need him and the only time he needed them they made him panic even more.

But what triggered that?
What was the cause?

"And I had been a fool! A fucking idiot, worse than that! Because I believed him, I drank his words, I eat his words like I was an hungry man and I find a fucking banquet. And all of this because I liked that he saw me, because for the first time someone saw me for who I was, not the little brother of Sirius Black, not the weakest member of the family black, not the fucking black sheep, but he saw regulus Arcturus black! He saw me and he chose me!"

"I- I get it- okay- Regulus- you were a child- you were fourteen and in an abusive household, it was normal for you to believe in him, fuck everyone would have gone to someone that finally recognized him. It was normal. You- you just wanted to be appreciated." Dorcas tried to say but their friend went on like she didn't spoke, lost in memories of someone dark, something that he wanted to forget so bad but he couldn't, something that he wanted to rip off his own skin but he wasn't able to.

"He played with my mind and I let him, he played with my emotions and I let him. I was happy to let him take everything from me. He was using me, he was abusing of my weakness, of my brother's escape, of my abusive family and I fell into his trap. I would have done everything that he asked me. Everything. You don't even know." Regulus laughed between his sobs, like he was making fun of himself, and maybe he was.

"And at the end" Regulus watched his arm, and they didn't need to understand what he was going to say.
At the end he got him.
He took the mark, even though in the last period he showed insecurities, even though he told them that's he was changing his mind, that he saw that everything was wrong, that he didn't want to join him anymore, but they made him took the mark nonetheless.

They had been stronger.

But it didn't mean that it was completely his fault.
He tried to fight them. He tried to understand better, he was just weaker than his parents. He didn't deserve all that. He didn't deserve to fell bad for someone that his abusive parents made him do.

"At the end he took away everything I had, my brother, the person I loved the most, and probably all of you-" she frowned because they wouldn't go anywhere.
They were a group.
They backed each other.
"Because I was a damn fool, because I saw the truth too late in ruined everyone around me. But I understood, I swear I do!" Regulsu cried, talking Pandora's face into his hands and watching her, like he was trying to make her understand that he was not bad. That he was normal.

But there was no need.
Not with them.
They had each other's back. Always.
He didn't need to make them understand anything, they were there, they saw everything about him, they were there, they knew how Sirius' run made him broke, how he collapsed under the weight of hysterical duty.

"I swear I didn't hate them, the muggleborns, I understand now. I don't want to kill them, I don't want, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, please believe me, please, please, please, please, please, please. I understand now, I swear that I don't believe him, that I didn't want this that I tried to fight back but I couldn't. Please believe me, please." He was pleading and begging like a thirsty man that couldn't reach the waterfall in front of him.

"Alright Reg, I believe you, I swear. We all believe you."
But he was Like he didn't her again. And the question was the same.
Who cause this?
Why?

"No- no you have to be live me, you have to, please- I changed, I changed, I know now, please don't hate me, don't leave me, don't- just don't- please James, James, James, James, James" Regulus said again and again and again and the room froze.

The room literally froze.

Their breath was suspended, nobody could talk about this, nobody could wrap their minds about this twist of fate because- how did they get acquainted? What- who-? Pandora could have sworn that he talked about Sirius not- James?

"James?" Evan said first.
A clear question in his voice because- what the fuck?

"Why did you leave me? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not bad, I swear, I swear, I'm not bad anymore, I changed, I changed." Pandora took regulus' head and she posed it on her shoulder, she went on caressing his curls

"What the fuck did that fucker?" Barty said, venom in his words and Dorcas had to stop him from goin there and fight with him.

"It's okay Regulus. I won't leave you." Pandora said instead even though she knew she wasn't the one who Regulsu wanted right now.
Even though she finally put the pieces together.

"Maybe you are right, maybe I do deserve to rot with them" Regulus said at the end, his face buried in her hair and she felt so sick she could almost throw up. Regulus whispered those words but the silence in their room was so strong that they almost echoed.

And right now-

Right now, for the first time in her life, she felt hate.
It was not James' fault, the bloke was just like that, the golden boy, the golden retriever, the kind puppy, the one who didn't ever do anything wrong, so she understood that, she understood that James couldn't accept- couldn't accept- the mark, Voldemort and everything that came with him.

But he hated him nonetheless.

Because his best friend was like this, and no one knew how difficult it was for him.
It wasn't his fault, he- just he- he was his Reg. He had changed.

She heard Regulus's breath calm down and she knew he felt asleep on her lap.
Only then she decided to watch Barty, Evan and Dorcas who paled.
"We should let him sleep a bit" Pandora said at a certain point, it was a dumb statement after the panic attack he just had but she needed to broke that silence that was heavy on their head.
They were all thinking.
They were all trying to understand what to do with Regulus, what to say-

"I'll go with him" Barty said suddenly and Dorcas shrugged her eyes but Pandora understood perfectly what he meant.
"I'm not abandoning him there, he'll kill himself in two days. I'll take the mark with him but I'm taking the mark not because I'm loyal to the Dark lord or whatever but because I'm loyal to Regulus Black." Dorcas watched him with wide eyes but Oandora understood him well.

"I'll go too" Evan said, his voice was a whisper but decisive.
"I'm sorry Pan, I know you'll go with Xenophilous and- it's okay. I don't want you at war, and you don't want me either- but I should go with him. I want to stay with him." She felt her heart break, she knew that she couldn't oppose to that, it was his brother choice and well- their parents' too, but she was worried nonetheless.she closed her eyes, trying to keep her tears away form her eyes, just form now, just for a bit, because they didn't need other tears, they didn't need other scream. But she wanted to scream.
Because they were going at war.
And it would end bad.

"I'm-" Dorcas said and Pandora knew that she wasn't going to join them. And it was okay. Regulus would be okay. "I- I can't guys" she whispered low at the room and they all smoothed their gaze at their friend's admission. "I- I want-"

"It's okay Dorcas. You'll always be our best friend. We can't ask you this. You can't fight against Marlene and your reasons. No one asks you to." Evan said, placing a hand on her shoulder, hugging her tightly a minute later. Dorcas nodded but she saw the tears in her eyes.
"Everything will be okay" she heard her brother's whisper.

They would fight opposite sides at war.
But that was okay, everything would be okay, this was what Pandora kept repeating in her own head.
Everything will be fine.

But Pandora knew better.
She already knew that she was asking for a hopeless thing.
The war finally arrived even to them, in the wall of the school they thought to be safe, and they weren't ready for it.

-------------------

Pandora sometimes thought of that time, when they were all still together, sharing Regulus and Evan's room for their sleepovers and talking animatedly until late.
She missed that.
She missed Regulus, Barty and Dorcas.
She missed her younger self, when she was calmer, when she didn't have to be scared of her own shadow, when she didn't have to pray everyday for Luna's safety.

"Hi sis" Evan kissed her head and she leaned into his arms.
The only thing that remained the same was Evan and his presence in her life.

"Hi Evs, didn't you have Orion's funeral?"

"Well Reg didn't care nor do I" Evan smiled and Pandora smiled with him. He was right and under the strict gaze of his father was hard for Evan to sneak off to see her.
But she was happy.
"Where is my girl?" His brother asked and she gave him Luna who was giggling happily.

"How are things with you lot?" She asked, she heard sometimes from Dorcas but never from Barty or Regulus, not because they cared less but because it was safer that way. Even Evan found coming there difficult sometimes.

Evan hummed a bit and that picked her interest.
"Well-" he started to say before stopping. "They're improving, Voldemort tried some shit to the Potters and you know how Reg becomes when you touch one of his person" and Pandora knew.
Pandora knew too well to not touch Regulus's possessions.
He was so possessive at times but he was the best at protecting them.

"Alright so? What happened? The Potters are safe right?"

"Yes! Sure- So uhm- well Voldemort is- uh"

"What Evan? Are you in danger? Did he know that you are-" traitors?, she bit her lips and Evan smiled a little.

"No- nothing like that- he's currently off- like in a sort of a coma? And Regulus is trying to find these things called Horcruxes and-"

"Wait what? Voldemort is out?" Pandora opened her mouth like a fish, he was fucking out of the games and Evan told her that like ti was nothing?

"For now Panda, do not jinx it please."

"Wow- just- wow- and Regulus did that because- of the Potters? He- he must have been very- very angry with him."

"Well he wanted to kill their baby"
Pandora forze, her breath stilled in her throat, she watched at Luna and she saw her eyes sparkle with joy, trying to play with Evan's ring.

"To kill- Harry?"

"Yeah- fucking shit- but they're safe and- well now Regulus is like bonded with their child?"

"WHAT? O my God Evan what the fuck?! What did that idiot do? Bond? It's serious shit that-" she couldn't believe that they didn't talk for like two months and they were able to do all of that. How crazy must they be?

"I don't literally know what to say to you, it's- it's all confusing and- a lot to take in- and- well we don't know really- it's just- we are just going on." And she could understand that.
Just keeping on and on. Because the world was gong on and it wouldn't stop for them.

"So maybe now it's not the time to say this-" she bit her lips again- Evan would not be happy. Neither of them would. And she was sorry. But she had decided.

"Fuck" Evan cursed "What? Pandora what happened?" And she saw that his brother was tired, so so tired, so she felt guilty to drop that bomb but better now than never.

"Xenophilous is sick."
Evan was speechless for some time.

"Like- like-"

"Yeah- it's- it's not good. The healer says that- well- he don't have a lot-" she stopped herself in the middle, she didn't want to cry. She didn't want to. Really.
It was okay. They were going to be okay.
She knew this for quite some time. A bit of months. And they still have some time.
She was sorry that Luna couldn't- she was going to-

"Fuck" Evan passed a hand on his face. "Fuck Pandora- fuck I'm sorry- Merlin-"

"It's- it's-"

"It's not okay, don't say it-" Evan got up and hugged her tightly, Pandora still in his arms, she was playing with his necklaces.

"Yeah- It's not okay. It's- it's not." She shook her head but she felt better because fuck- her brother was still the same and she loved that, he would be with her through all of that. She loved so much Evan that- fuck- she didn't know what to do without him. "We are trying our best right now, we still don't know but- it's like this so- we are really trying-"

"Yeah right- you are right- fuck- he's such a good man- I'm sorry." She nodded along her brother, trying to calm down her breath.

"But- well- hum- I'm not finished"

"This was not the thing? Did it get worse?" He groaned and no- Pandora just started.

"Well- it was half- Xenophilous want to enter in the war. He want to help to- to finish it all- it's not much but- he didn't want Luna to grow up in- in this." she explained quickly and she saw the gaze in his brother eyes turn dark.
He was not happy about this.

"And you want to go with him?"

"Yes" she said convinced. She wanted to help. She was smart and quick. They could be useful to the Order. She was in class with some of the current death eaters, Mulciber and Avery did a lot of shit during that days and she knew a bit about it. She could help the Order.

"Are you kidding Pandora?" Evan stood up, giving Luna back and walking back and forth for the kitchen. "Tell me you aren't serious right now, you can't- you don't want to- to kill or to fight- or- you don't want that."

"Nobody wants that obviously, but it is what we got so- I made my mind, you cannot convince me otherwise. I need to do this."

"And you don't think about Luna?"

"I'm doing this for her Evan! I'm tired sick of seeing everyone fight and- and work and be useful for this war and us that are hidden here and- I want to finish it all!"

"You are a bit megalomaniac if you think that-" Evan sneered and-

"It's not the point and you know that! I can and I will be useful!"

"I know that you can be useful but you have a fucking daughter Pandora!"

"As the Potters and a lot of other people!"

"In fact if it wasn't for Regulus they wouldn't be still here!" Pandora widened her gaze and Evan shut himself up. "That- that- sorry- it wasn't necessary. Sorry- just-"

"Yeah it wasn't-" she said. "But I understand you. And believe me- I thought about this- I cannot- I have to help- I need to help. So I can watch into my daughter eyes and say to her that- that we were part of this that we helped- that we did this for them-"

"She would be proud of you nonetheless, you don't need to go-"

"I know. But I want to." Evan was quiet for a bit of time, his mind racing, he was biting the inner of his cheek and she knew that he wasn't happy by that.
But at the end he would gave in. Because he knew that it was her choice and that she was convinced. They were twins so they knew each other better than themselves, sometimes they could feel the same thing, share the same emotions, be the same person, so she knew that Evan would soon understand why she was doing this, why she had to do this.

"Okay." Evan finally gave in like she had planned.
She had made her decision but seeing that Evan supported her was- well- it was warming her heart.

"Thanks"

"You did the same for me, you did- okay- okay right- alright- fuck- do this if you want to do it- it's heartbreaking but- but we'll manage to keep you safe. We have to." she smiled because watching him taking the dark mark had been the worst thing alive, so she could understand what he was feeling right now.
But sure- she did the same for him.
For them.

"Yes, I know that you'll be here for us. We have you now. Barty is the smartest person alive and Regulus the most deranged one out there. Just be sure to keep them out of troubles."

"You don't know what you're asking me" Evan snorted. "So-" he stared again and Pandora watched him with an arched eyebrow.
"I have to ask you something and- I don't know when we'll see each other again-"

"What?"

"About Luna and his father- I want you to do something for me."

Later that night, when Evan went home he found his boys still studying a diary on the kitchen table and he grinned at them.
He kissed his boyfriend's head lightly and he loved how Barty gave up at his touch, surrendering completely under his arms, Regulus near him did a verse of disgust but he knew better, he was happy for them.

Evan was going to save all of them.
Evan was going to save his sister, because Luna would grow up without her dad but not without her mother.

"Well guys- we have a war to end" their gaze interlocked and yeah- why not?

Chapter Text

Remus was like- going crazy. Literally.
Everyone was babying him and the most thing that he hated was that.
He nearly died?
Yes.
Was it the first time?
Fucking not.
Remus already went through a lot of shit, he was bitten and he transformed since he was fucking four years old, he went through worse experiences than that and he never, never, was treated like that. He was grateful to the Potters, Sirius and everyone, really grateful, and fuck- he felt almost bad for being so insensitive about their fussing but it was too much, he could barely go to the bathroom alone without them carrying him.

"I'm going out for a smoke" Remus said to the people who were in the room with him.
It was near dinner time so everyone was at home after a day at the Order or with the Aurors. The only good thing was that Voldmeort's attacks were less, nothing too bad happened in those days and it made everyone think in fear and panic.
What was he up to?
Was he trying to do something bigger?
That- the unknown, the silence, the stalemate was scary.

"Wait for me" Sirius said taking his coat but he couldn't right now. He loved Sirius but he needed to go alone.
He needed to think, he needed to recoil his thoughts for one fucking second, think about what the hell was going on in his life, Greyback, the fact that he was dead, that someone helped him and he didn't know who that man could be, then there was the deal with the pack, the next moon, the wolves, the Order, Voldemort and last but not least his relationship with his boyfriend.
Sirius.

A mystery.

They were good since he arrived at home injured.
But- but it was different.
Sirius seemed on tiptoes with him like being still angry with him and at the same time sorry and guilty for being angry and- he was tired of this situation. He- he couldn't go on like this, he wanted to be with Sirius like before, without being worried about him leaving or getting angry, or- or doubting about their relationship.
They had to talk and resolve but he couldn't bring himself to.

He was drained.

"Alone Sirius. I want to go alone. Thanks." he gritted out and Sirius backed down, he was sorry but they must understand when they all went overboard.
He was fine.
Fucking fine!

Effie took Sirius shoulder, giving Remus a nod while telling Sirius to help her with the dinner and he was able to take a breath. He smiled lightly at Effie and at her perception because she was a fucking angel who understood perfectly every situation.

"Fucking hell" Remus muttered, leaning his head on the door and taking out a cigarette from his pocket and lighting it.

When had things start to go so bad?

He could barely remember at when they were younger, free and without problems, and counting that they were barely twenty-one it was worrisome.
He huffed again, the smoke calming his nerves, he closed his eyes, trying to stop his mind from racing.
What they were missing?
Albus was not telling them everything.
Why did they didn't affront Voldemort directly?
They knew his places, they knew where his followers gathered and they even catch a glimpse of him sometimes- so why? Why they retreat at that time?
Someone could have gotten him.

"I see you're still alive, remarkable." A foreign voice came from his back and he had his wand in his hands in literally two seconds, he fucking drop his shield, he made himself a target- fuck.

But when he took the figure in to his eyes he lowered his wand, sighing deeply.
"Woah- man- I'm innocent. Sorry."

"Thomas you fucking idiot- are you dumb? I could have killed you-"

"You could have tried, I give you that. But don't underestimate us wolves just because you have learnt a bit of magic." The man smirked at him and Remus nodded along.
Silence fell between them, Remus took another cig and offered that to Thomas but he declined.

"That shit could kill you, you know?"

"Well- if not this it could be the war or the moon." Remus smirked and Thomas scoffed. "This way I got to choose, don't you think?"

"Please- don't go all sad and depressed with me now. I'm not here for that."

"And why are you here Thomas?" Remus glanced at the windows and he was Monty looking out worried, he nodded at him and mimed an okay with his hand.
Thomas was safe.
Thomas was good.
Thomas was pack, pack, pack.

"Just- I was passing by. I didn't know if you were still alive. Wanted to see with my eyes."

"You knew that I was alive, you can feel it, like I can feel you."
Because now we are a pack.
And Thomas knew this too.

"Well- alive, but- walking? Talking? Thinking? I mean- you didn't see yourself but it was pretty crazy out there-" Remus shivered. The memories did not came back but he could feel the sensation on his skin very well.

"I'm all alright thank you. I have a ton of people inside who are enough worried about me." Remus said and Thomas smiled again.

"You are lucky Remus John Lupin. Don't ever forget that. They love you I can feel it in the wards, in the air, in the atmosphere."

"I know" Remus said simply, because he was not daft. He knew that. They would die for him and he would die for them.
And then the silence fell again.
Remus was going to ask but he was afraid of the answer.
And Thomas knew this.
Thomas could sense this.
So they both waited.

Remus had the words on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't go on.
Why me? Who was the man? How did we escape? How Greyback died?
He was afraid of memories.
He was afraid of knowing.

"Let's get to the point. What happened out there Thomas?" Remus finally asked, the sky dark among their heads was being their inspector. Thomas smirked, but Remus could feel that he had been afraid too. He took a deep breath, preparing himself to explain.

"Well- the first part- I think you know very well- you were being chased and almost killed. I had to intervene. Don't ask me why. Don't. Because I don't know. Because- maybe my wolf thought that it was not right, that we were all the same so why- why should you die for that? We are a pack, if we start to kill each other who is safe anymore?"
Remus nodded, because it made sense.
They were already a minority, they were able to survive by relying on each other, if their trust also failed, what would they be left with?
Loneliness and pain.

"And-" they both shivered. "And- well we were able to resiste until morning, but nothing more. He was ready to finish you off. He was going to. I was too weak to meddle in anymore so- I thought it was the end. After you I would have been the next one."
Remus gulped, taking out another cigarette.
But he already knew that.

"Then you fainted and that man arrived. I mean- nobody cared about me so I could see everything pretty well- he asked him something, I couldn't understand what but the man must not have been happy with Greyback because he killed him. Like that. He was dead." Remus widened his eyes, if thinking that the man who populated his nightmares was killed like that was- destabilizing.
Grayback was just a man after all.
A monster- but a man.
And he had been killed like one.

"Then he stayed with you. I thought he was going to kill you but- he hold your hand until the other man arrived." The other man must be Moody.

"He hold- my hand?"
Remus widened his eyes.
So- maybe it was not an hallucination. Maybe- there was really someone and he called that someone Sirius and- what the hell? Embarrassing. A stranger hold his hand while he cried his boyfriend name, losing tons of blood.
Marvelous.

"Who? Who was that man Thomas?"

"Fucking hell I know Remus. I would have already used his name, don't you think?"

"I-" Remus thought about it for a minute, his brain racing. Did they have another alley? Strong enough to know their position and to safe him? Strong enough to know that Greyback was going to kill him? Strong enough to know Voldemort's plan? A spy? "Alright- but- someone? Something? Anything? Thomas you must know-"

"I don't know! I don't fucking know- goodbye Remus. Glad to see you alright." Thomas moved away from the wall he was leaning in, going near the gate to take his way and disappear until the next fool moon. But he couldn't. He will not let him go.

"No- wait! Thomas! You can't go away like this! How was he? You-"
Thomas stopped abruptly, breathing heavy.

"I don't want to remember. It's- everything- it's too much- what I'm feeling it's- Remus- you didn't were-" they both stopped. Thomas was not looking at him in the eyes, like he was ashamed of that, of being so afraid of a memory. But he could understand him.

"I- I understand Thomas. And I'm thankful for you. I'll always be. Because without you I would be dead. Without your help-" Remus stopped. He couldn't go on. "But- just this time. I'll not ask you anything else. Never. Just-" this time.

"I- Remus- I don't even remember him clearly- he was young- or he seemed young. I don't want to exaggerate but like you age? Something like that- and-" Remus closed his eyes trying to understand who could that man be. Someone like his age? And he had been able to kill a man so coldly? Maybe- maybe Peter? Maybe Peter decided to betray them to have Voldemort's trust?
Maybe-
Maybe-
No. No it couldn't be. He sacrificed James, Lily, Harry.
Peter- Peter was gone and he had to understand that.
Peter was a traitor.

But there was neither person that did the same for them.
Maybe their misfortune was switching, maybe-
Maybe-

"And-" Remus reopened his eyes when he didn't hear the other man go on.
And-?" But Thomas was frozen in his place, looking down, the newspaper of the day on the floor, they didn't get it that morning, he should probably bring it inside.

"Him." Thomas said and Remus watched him again, his eyebrows arched, him?
Him what?
Thomas met his gaze and he probably saw the question in his eyes.
"That man is the one who saved you. It's him." Thomas pointed at the newspaper and Remus looked down immediately at the photo who was moving in the paper. A serious young man was displayed on the front page and-

His heart stopped.
The man.
That- he was-
"Him?"

"I'm sure- fuck Remus- we've found him. It's him-"

Regulus Black; what to know about the new Lord
by Rita Skeeter.

It was-Regulus Black?
THE descendant of the Noble House of Black betrayed his Lord?
What? Was it a weird game of the destiny? Was Thomas wrong?
But then he thought of James and everything became clear. It was- so fucking evident.

Things were bound to get complicated.
"Oh fuck-"

Regulus Black saved him.

 ----------------

May, 1977

James climbed the stairs that went on the Astrology tower.
They could find a better place, easier to reach?
Yes.
Would they go there?
No. Regulus liked it there, because he could stargaze and James was his mere subject, whatever Regulus wanted he was going to do it.
And it was not because he was utterly and endlessly in love with him.
Absolutely not.
So he climbed those fucking stairs every time, at least it was good for his stamina.

"Hi darling" James said reaching the place and he found Regulus there, his eyes focusing on something he could not see on the sky. He had never been that good at stargazing or remembering the various stars or their stories.

"Mmh" Regulus hummed and Jame knew that something was bothering him that night. They were past the 'mmh' fase, now James could go out bragging about receiving a small smile from the boy and it was a HUGE improvement.

So James waited.

He waited for him to tell what it was wrong.

Did he do something in the past twenty-four hours? No- he didn't think so.

But he waited.
He was not very good at that- but he exercised with Regulus. Because if he didn't want to talk he wouldn't, if he wanted to he would.
No one could make him do something he didn't want to, and James learned that from the start.

"James-" Regulus started but he stopped himself after a bit. "I'm- tired and- I'm wondering-"

"About what darling?" James said, keeping his distance. He knew that Regulus needed his space, his thoughts needed to be free.

"Why do you always come to find me? I always asked myself why THE James Potter wanted to pass his time with someone like me-" Regulus scoffed, shaking his head when he saw James entering the room.
James was a bit speechless, but he was now used to his antics, to Regulus dark thoughts about himself, to his perception about his value in this world.

So he got along.

"There is nothing wrong with you Regulus." James said almost guilty and Regulus must know that, must have known that James did everything with a goal.
And well- he was not wrong.

It was real that James firstly went to Regulus to understand him, to make him change his mind so then could have gone to Sirius and be like the old days. He deceived him. He kept telling him that Regulus was fine like that when in the very end, if James watched real closely, he was trying to change him and to fight a battle that wasn't his. The Black brother's needed to do this on their own.
Who was he to meddle?

"Please James- let's be honest. I always knew why you did this- why did you stick around even though- I'm me" Regulus moved his hands to his body, like he wanted to cover something that he didn't like first.

James was not happy about this conversation.
He came here to stay with him but tonight Regulus was lost in his head, words were said and James always got angry when Regulus couldn't see himself right, he got angry when Regulus saw himself or described himself with his parents eyes, with their criticism and bad things.

"And I understand that- that you wanted me to change Potter- and I should have told you that this isn't going to happen, that Sirius doesn't want to have nothing to do with me, that we are lost and everything- but I was egoistical too- I wanted to keep you near, to- to- to take away something from my brother- to have you, the golden boy with me for a bit, to see you struggle to play quidditch with me, to see you worried about me, to see you caring about me."
Regulus moved always from the window, interlocking their eyes for the first time and Jame saw they they were wet and red.
Was Regulus crying?
For him?

"But then I started getting jealous of you, I started wanting to be with you -like always- like a lovesick child, I tried to attract you, put on the clothes that you like- because maybe- maybe the- THE James Potter will finally notice me and not Lily Evans not the other third year girl but me. And I found myself completely in lo-." Regulus stopped, putting a hand on his mouth and James' heart froze.

What-

"Regulus what?" But the younger boy wasn't watching him anymore.

"Nothing. I said nothing. I'm just tired and- and maybe sick. I- fuck-nothing- forget about this" James watched his face again, the moon was paling his skin even more and Regulus seemed a bit sickly, but it was too dark to understand well.
"The only thing that I wanted to say is- I'm finished, with these rendez-vous, I'm done, done, done. At the end of the day I'm the one suffering, because I'll never be the person that you want me to be. And- and staying here, near you is every day more difficult because you'll not like me but I'll always like you- every fucking day it's the same-" James heart stopped.
Had Regulus just insulted him, confessed him, rejected him or what?
Why him it was always a fucking mess- he was good with words, with twisted game and it was fucking impossible to understand him sometimes.
But- James did not heard wrong.
Did Regulus-?

“Regulus” James put his hands up where Reg could see them to stop his rumbling.
He was trembling. Regulus just confessed to him and- and his heart was floating, his mind was racing, the only thought in his mind was to keep him close, because if Regulus had walked away from him, they would never meet again.

Regulus was fucking good at hiding and even with their map was almost impossibile to find him.

“I’ll admit getting close to you was all a plan at first, I mean- Sirius was miserable and- and I needed to do something. But I didn’t stick around just because I thought I could make you two as you were as kids. I'm not here to use you for my- my nonsensical plans. I won’t be like them, I won't be like your parent who uses you for their needs. And I won’t let you let me be like them. Because I like you like this. I like you- as you are, so shut the fuck up.”

"No. You are wrong. You like your idea of me with your standards-"

"Regulus- I could list everything I like about you here and right now. I like staying with you in every free moment that I have, I like your silence, I like your passions, I like seeing you riled up because the fucking main character of your book is stupid, I like when you insult me, I like when you scrunch your nose in distaste, I like when we go meet the house elf, I like when you smile. Fuck- I love when you smile, and I want you to do it more often but then everyone would like you because I don't know if you are aware of how fucking beautiful are you when you smile. I like your freckles, your hands, your eyes. Don't let me start ranting about your eyes because they are the most unique thing I could ever see in my life and I'm a fucking wizard so I see a lot of unique thing in my life. Should I go on? Because I can tell you how I like when you-"

Eyes bigger than a doe’s, Regulus stared James down, making him shiver.
"I- I think- okay" Regulus coughed, covering his smiling mouth. "I understand. If you say so-" and James swear to Merlin that he would pass every fucking day reminding him how much worthy was he.

The corners of James' lips quirked up into a smirk.
“But I'm pretty impressed. I thought you hated me.” James teased the younger one and he blushed heavily, tilting his head. "You couldn't resist my charm at the end" at that Regulus rolled his eyes and James laughed.

Regulus Arcturus Black was going to be the death of James.
The way Regulus smiled at him he would never forget, the way his eyes glistened in the light that streamed through the window. He was so handsome that James was going to die of cardiac arrest. It wasn’t often that he felt so attracted to someone that his quiet heart actually made some noise.

“Oh- don't get too cocky. I hate you James Potter. Every inch of you,” Regulus replied. “I just changed my mind, like- right now. I was lying before. Never liked you.”

Leaning closer, James shoved his hands in his pockets with a stupid smile on his face. “Liar." He whispered. "You like me. Oh- you like me so much. So so so much.”

“No, you're wrong. I hate you,” Regulus said, blushing more and more at every inch that James took towards him. He couldn’t resist any longer.

“So- If I hypothetically wanted to kiss you- would you let me? Yes or no? Should I go away? I could totally go and-”

"Don't you dare going out from that door, you stupid idiot." And then Regulus took him by his tie and make them meet their lips, sealing their breath together.
And James gave in to his desires.

He kissed Regulus as if it was their last day alive, as if sharing oxygen was the only way to survive. His mouth tasted like bitter coffee, the polar opposite of his lips who just tasted a cup of chocolate.

One hand behind Regulus' neck, the other on his waist, James pulled Regulus closer, closer, closer, like he wanted to enter in his ribs, like he wanted to be a part tangible of him, a part of his body.
He tilted his head to the side in order to deepen it further.

“Tell me no,” James whispered, leaning his head against Regulus own. "We shouldn't and you know that."

“What if I don’t want to?” Regulus replied, eager, his eyes closed, lost, ghingheri at their contact.

James took Regulus' wrists and pulled them from his tie, placing them in his curly hair, he needed to feel his hands between his hair, to feel that he was kissing the boy he pined for too much time. It was a bad-good idea. He leant back in once again to capture James' awaiting lips with his own.
"I like you Regulus, so so so much."

Their kisses were sloppy, desperate, and hot in a way that made James forget his own name, their location, the war and everything else. As Regulus licked into his mouth, James moaned and Regulus whimpered with him, doing that again and again.
When they finally broke apart, Regulus lips were kiss-swollen.

When James returned at his common room later, his lips almost hurting and red from the kisses he felt that the heavy burden on his shoulders was finally up, broken. He had Regulus and- well- he didn't know how. Having Regulus' affection was something that one could only hope to, the boy who was constantly cold and scared and hidden cared like no one else did.

He started to climb the stairs, his heart light and joyful- but well-

Nothing good could last forever.

Sitting on the sofa in front of the unlit fireplace was Lily Evans, and James Potter once again found himself in the throes of an existential crisis.

 ---------------------

Remus was outside from quite some time, at a certain point they even heard some shouts but they didn't dare to go out and watch what was happening.
Remus- well- truth be said they were making Remus go crazy.
James knew that.
But they couldn't do less.

After that he, Lily and then Remus got injured, his parents when into an overprotective mode and started gettin worried for every little thing. And Remus was not used to that.
He had always been very independent about his things, with his father out all day and his mother ignorant about the wizarding world he learnt everything by him and himself, so being so pampered and cared of- could be quite extenuating for him who wanted to appear strong.

"Remus dear, the dinner is almost-" his mother started to say but then they all watched to his face and almost got scared.
Remus was paled as hell, his eyes a bit wide and his eyebrows arched.

"Uh- love?" Remus said almost scared, unsure.
Weird. In those days hearing them calling each other with pet names was a bit strange. They didn't really make up from the fight they had, they just went on with the flow that was happening.

"Yes?" Sirius said, his eyes almost popping out of his head, biting his lips.

"I don't know if it's a bad or good thing-" Remus had the news paper in hand and well- that was not a good thing. On the news paper there was a lot of shit those days. Someone had died? Some they knew? Someone important? Voldemort attacked them and they didn't heard of it? Fuck- James was shitting himself out.

"What Remus? What, what, what?" Sirius jogged, reaching his boyfriend.

"Your father is dead. Regulus is the new Lord Black"
And the silence that fell was the loudest sound of it all.

Chapter Text

May 1977,

James sat right in front of Lily and found himself disappear under her strict gaze. He was more afraid of the girl than of his mother or Minerva.
But he had to tell her, he had to tell her that James cared for Lily but right now he was dealing even with- another person.
It was not right towards her, James was scared of losing her or both of them, well- nothing happened between Lily and him but things were developing and going at the right path in those months and- he was going to ruin everything.

James really didn't know how to explain what he was feeling.

It was too strange, too sudden.

He was utterly in love with two people and he wasn't ready to lose neither of them.
But could he? He had always been taught that love was- for one person?
Like- he had to- give the love he had for that person and only to that one person?

But still- he had enough love to give it to whoever he wanted.

"Hi James, did you say you needed to talk to me?" Lily said and James gulped, his hands were sweating he- he wasn't able to chose because he had Lily, the great Lily, the love of his life since he was twelve in front of him but at the same time he couldn't forget the boy that yesterday kissed him in the Astronomy Tower.
Regulus.
Regulus Black.
Who liked him back.
Butterflies were playing in his stomach since the day before and he couldn't stop them.

"Yeah- uh-"

"It's weird to see you without words"

"Well- with you it's not so strange."

"Did I perhaps put you under some pressure?" Lily smirked and James rolled his eyes.

"Well- since you told me a lot that- that you- like hate me and my guts and that I strut around like I own this place and everything else so- well yes- I care about how I figure in front of you. So- uh- you give me a lot of uh- pressure."

"I was not wrong though."

"No" James said after some time, looking at the floor. "You weren't."
He had been a real dick to her and- well someone else. Sometimes he went a little overboard but he was- he didn't mean to cause some troubles, he didn't- well he was sorry.
"I'm sorry Lily. I probably was a real dickhead without knowing it."

"You got better with time. And you really didn't do anything- uh- too bad. A bit of nuisance."

"Well- I'm still sorry."

"But it's not what you want to talk about today right?"

"No- you are right."

"Like always"

"You're too smart for your own good Lily."

"Glad to be. So?"

"Uh- I think that you should know that- uh" James passed a hand on his neck, rubbing his curly hair, sign that he was a bit anxious.
"I know that we're getting acquainted lately- we are passing time alone together, uh- we made jokes and I can feel that there's-" what James? Electricity? Feelings? Emotions? "Something."

"Yeah- I think that you won James. At the end I fell for you- for your stupid jokes, the fact that you're always here for me when I'm down, the love and the smile that you give, I- I like it. A lot. I want it. I want to be yours, to have that love. Your heart is big, almost too big and- and I want to taste it, to know how it feels to have that. But I get that you're over me. I really get that. I- I'm late. And you're right. You can't wait for me forever."

"Wow" James was only able to say. He received two confessions in like two days? He was really a gigolò. And- well- what Lily said really melted his heart. She wanted him? She wanted what he could give her? His- exuberance, his constant attentions, his- well sometimes he was too much, he knew that so hearing that she- she wanted that- fuck he could like- cry?
"Really, wow" but the he stopped. "Wait- what? Over you?"

"Well- yes? I mean is it only a flying?"

"What?"

"The person who gave you that thing on your neck. And well" she whistled lowly. "You found a pretty decent one."

"Lily!" He blushed. he didn't watched himself in the mirror a lot that morning, didn't have time because he had to catch Lily before she went in the library to study with Remus.

"What? I don't understand!"

"Fuck- no it's not a simple flying"

"So? Question closed, I'll get over you James don't worry. I'm not so frail, I can get over a break up."

"Question open because you have to listen to what I have to tell you. I got this thing with this person okay? It- it started like yesterday? But- fuck- I fell for this person you can't know how much time ago and every time I see this person again- I continue to fall again and again in love with him like it's the first time, again and again. But-" james coughed. Lily would tell him that he was completely crazy.
"But he- this person- is not the only one in care for. I- I like you Lily. I don't know how but Remus told me that- that- there are those things like uh- it's weird-"

"Threesome?"

"Oh uh- yeah- it's pretty new I know. It's weird as fuck- or well- not to me. Because i swear i want to have you both and it hurts me to let go one fo you when you both like me and I both like you and I can't choose because I like you for different reasons and- and I don't know my head is exploding- and-"

"James- James it's-" Lily said stopping him and he was grateful for that because he was going to make a fool of himself and it was better to stop there.
"I think I can get it."

"You- get it?"

"Yeah- I've heard of it. Somewhere. And- uh- it can make sense. I can feel it too."

"You- what?"

"I mean- I didn't think about it and it's weird because I'm the smart one here but you were helped by Remus so I think I'm excused. But I can feel it. There is another person who gives me the same things I feel with you. For different reasons but- I think" Lily blushed. "It's really funny to talk to and- and he got better. We understand each other and- he likes to read like me, we could go for hours reading without talking and no one would be embarrassed or annoyed. I like the peace that I feel with him. But I like the craziness that I feel with you too."
James was quite shocked.
He didn't think that it would end like this, with Lily confessing him that it made perfectly sense what he proposed to her.
He thought that she would scream that he was an asshole that wanted to just have a lot of people at his feet, that he was bullshitting her and regulus at the same time, that he was just a piece of shit who cared just about himself and his emotions.

Instead- she found another man?
He wanted to feel a little jealous but he had always been coherent with himself so- no.

"Oh- right" James started to laugh and Lily followed him.
"So- are we good?"

"Yeah- yeah we are." Lily said.
"But we should tell this even with this other person that we have."

Jame paled because yes.
Yes he should.
And Regulus will not take it well.
At the start of this he was scared of Lily- no- Oh Merlin- no Regulus angry- fuck he was ten times worse. Regulus could start and finish a war on his own if he put his mind in it. Fuck Regulus had always been so so jealous of Lily.

"Yeah- we really should." James groaned and Lily laughed.

"You put this on yourself, honey. But- can you tell me who this lucky person is?"

"Uh- you'll scream or laugh when you'll hear of it."
James bit his lips under the curious gaze of Lily.

"It's Regulus. Regulus Black"
And well- James thought that it was a bit funny.
But not like that.
Lily was like dying of laughter and he was even more shocked than before.

"James uh" Lily said between laughs.
"I think we're going to talk to the same person"

"What the actual fuck?!"

-------------

James could see the question in Sirius' eyes, while he tried to read the newspaper, but he didn't make a move to grab it, like he was afraid of those words, like he didn't know if he wanted to be happy or not.

James didn't know if Sirius was metabolizing that his father was dead and finally- finally one of his past monsters were gone, or if he was partially sad because it happened that one of those monsters was his father, the man who Sirius looked at with so much expectations when he was little.

Remus looked at him, the paper still in his hands but he moved one of his arms to grab Sirius' back, to make him understand that he was there, that he was not alone, even though they went through difficulties they were still the same, still together, still Padfoot and his Moons.

"Sirius" Remus broke the silence first and finally Sirius gave up looking at the paper, he sucked his breath harshly, like he was trying not to cry and James- well- James didn't expect that.
"Hey- love- it's okay- it's okay-"

"No- no Remus I-" Sirius went in to the kitchen and they followed him quietly.

"Sirius- I'm sorry for- your loss?" James tried to say, -even though he really didn't want to say that he was sorry for a man that he despised so much, but he did for the sake of his friendship- to grab his hand, give him a hug but Sirius laughed at him, caressing his cheek like he was the one who needed comfort.

"Prongs- It's okay. I didn't care for that man. It's not that." Sirius' eyes were glowing, running the gear in his head, thinking about something he could not decipher.
So why?
Why did he seem so broken thirty seconds ago?
"it's just-" Sirius said again but he stopped midway, like a thing he didn't want to say.

"He'll be fine Sirius. He's- more capable than you think." Remus said instead and James felt a chill running along his arms. Maybe he was the same as Sirius, maybe he was scared big of facing his things, his emotions, because right now he wanted to go into his room and hide for days.
How- how did he take the loss?

Sirius scoffed.
"You've read that-" he gestured at the news paper. Almost angrily and James gulped. He didn't want to see the face the man that he had loved- still after so many times.

"Please Sirius- this is from Rita Skeeter, you know how much she likes to write such bullshit"

"You're not wrong-" Sirius mumbled, his voice lower, his gaze on the floor.

"About what?" James asked and Remus only watched him, arching an eyebrow at Sirius who sighed.

"Show him Moons." Sirius said watching him.
Remus gave him the paper and they put it on the kitchen table so him Lily and his parents could all read the article about the 'New Lord Black', even though he could already imagine what this was about.

Hello, I'm Rita Skeeter! I write for the Daily Prophet. But, everyone already knows a star like me. It's you we don't know. You're the fabulous news. What quirks lurk beneath those grey and magnetic eyes? What mysteries do the edgy cheekbones? Does a leader lie beneath those curls? In short, what makes you the right Lord?

And well- if looks could talk the one in Regulus' eyes was enough to stop even a madman from questioning him. James didn't know if this was Regulus' face when he heard Rita or his usual face -he didn't know anymore-, but he wasn't sure he had enough bravery to interrogate him.
The boredom and sharpness that lied in his gaze showed that Regulus didn't care or was bold enough to not worry about that woman.

I'm still adjusting in this new life and responsibilities, but I've been trained for long enough, since I had memories, so I'm pretty well used to this system and to what the society expects from me. I think to be good enough to be a great Lord.

James snorted.
But thinking carefully Regulus was right. No bold or exaggerating himself. He was right, he couldn't see it from the first moment. And it was remarkable but silly a bit sad.

Your family is a legend. But what I always want to ask- Do you still think about your lost longing brother? Your other half? It was the trauma of your departure that made you so right to fit this role?"

Lily sucked a breath and James' heart skipped a bit.
What the hell-
"Fuck" he said, not able to contain himself. That was the shittiest thing that Rita could do- what the hell was she thinking about?

"Yeah fuck-" Remus said, Sirius was unbelievable silent. James expected him to curse and scream but instead he was so lost.

I'm not here to talk about the past or my- Sirius. The only thing that I can say is that I formed myself and the person that I am. Not him. I improved alone and he didn't do anything. He left and I got the role."

And James wanted to rip her throat a part.
He knew how much Regulus was bothered by the fact that everyone was caught up by Sirius, Regulus always felt the spare, the person who didn't was right, too quiet, to calm, unfit for the role. And- well- even after so many years Regulus had to carry this with him.
"He did- he did well right-?" James tried to say at Sirius who was too interested watching the floor.

"Right-" he laughed. "Read the last part-" he gritted out, like those words pained him.

"Of course he didn't. Speaking of your brother, how do you think he'd feel? Proud? Or concerned that your attitude shows, as you say this is a role and you stole that to him. Do you think that he'll try to come here and take it back? Do you think that the others would follow him? Or maybe- would you like it? Maybe you're scared after all- those responsibilities would fall form your shoulders and you'll be freer. Do you miss him? You sound do cold but I can see the nostalgic sparkle in your eyes? Regulus, do you need your big brother?

"She didn't-" Lily said near him and Remus cursed some words in welsh.
And right now James was almost jealous because welsh seemed to be angrier than simple english.

"She did. She fucking did. Obviously she-"

"Rita are you sure you are as skilled as you proclaim to be? I mean- you should know that I'm the one and only heir, Sirius went away a long time ago and everyone already talked about it. So- if you're that curious go and re-read the old paper and stop wasting my time. Have a good evening.

"Fuck that was-"

"Intense-"

"Sirius-" James tried to say, he wanted to be useful but even he found himself without any real words to say, he could stay and get Sirius everything he needed but nothing would be as useful as seeing Regulus well. Even though they both declared hatred to each other everyone, even the most idiotic person on this heart could see that it was not true.

Or well- it was partially true.

Regulus and Sirius did hate each other because- well for a lot of reasons, mostly because their parents were little shit who liked to play with their emotions and made their children feel wrong for having feelings towards each other.
But their love was still strong, underneath layers and layers of resentment, agony, fear, plead, loneliness, there was the love they shared for each other.
Even though they might have forgotten it right now.

"Sirius- he's" good, fine, well, okay. But was he? Could he tell Sirius that when no one had seen Regulus from such a long time and did really know how he was doing? At the end James couldn't say those words. Couldn't lie about that.
"-Capable. Always was." He finished instead.

"Yea right?" Sirius laughed. "He had always been more mature that the average child. But- just- he's so young and-" Sirius said, passing a hand through his hair.
"Now he's alone with that wench. She- she was ruthless and-" his mother lips trembled. She couldn't assist at this. She tried and tried to fight for Regulus when Sirius first came here, but it had been hard enough to get Sirius out of that House, Regulus was impossible, he was too young.
Dumbledore forbade it.
Sirius stayed in his room for a week after that statement, and his mother cried every night thinking about that.

Nobody was able to say anything.
Even Harry was watching everyone with his big green eyes but he wasn't crying or laughing, just watching as if he tried to understand something important.

"Fuck- I shouldn't even care for him, right? He’s just a little shit who chose them so-" he grimaced and James couldn't watch him in the eyes.
"He's just a death eater, like all of them. This is all their fault so- so fuck it-" his words were louder, as if he was trying to convince himself first, because it was the last thing to do. "Fuck them all-"

There was still silence for a bit of time, no one had to say anything. His mother went to hug him and Sirius gave up in her embrace. His father patted him on the shoulder, 'I'm here, always will'.

"Yeah uh" Remus interrupted, a low whisper among them but loud enough to take their attention. "We still had to know who saved me, Lily and James- maybe- someone from them is- well- yeah- good? So- uh- maybe not all of them is- maybe him- uh" Remus said and he saw that he wasn't the only one who didn't miss the opportunity to think about Regulus and his change of heart.
It was weird that it came from Remus because he always disliked Regulus- but- well- thinking that Orion wasn't anymore in his life maybe Regulus was now freer, maybe he could do something else.
Maybe-
Maybe-
Maybe-
But they didn't know for certain and he didn't want to hope for something that could be wrong, that could destroy his already broken heart.

Sirius nodded lost in his thoughts.
"Wait what? Someone saved you too? I thought Moody saved you. I mean you- what?"

Remus coughed. "Yeah- yes- uh- Moody- saved me. He did. Right."

Monty plopped in the conversation, a wrinkle between his eyes, his father seemed much more older those days, sign that this war was literally killing them.
"Remus? Something else happened right? You didn't talk about that night- not after-" your panic attack.

"Did someone save you first?" Lily chimed in, her green eyes alert, her brain was already thinking of the possibilities.

"No-?" Remus seemed unsure, as if he wanted to say something but he wasn't sure about their reaction. "Well- yeah okay- Thomas- the man who was here earlier saved me. I mean- he stopped Greyback. He helped me. I mean I was almost passed out when he blocked him right before- uh-"

"And then?" Sirius asked, concern evident in his voice, worry in his eyes, in all of their eyes.

"And then I passed out." Remus replied slowly, watching his boyfriend.

"So are you telling me that- your beta, or I don't know what- saved you."

"Yes"

"So you weren't the one who killed Greyback?" His father said and well- they didn't think about this. How long did Remus knew about this? Was Thomas the one who killed him? Who killed Greyback? Fuck-

"No I suppose not."

"And while you were passed out? Did he was the one who killed him? He didn't even seem that strong." Remus rolled his eyes, maybe from the fact that Sirius admitted so blatantly to have spied to them talking. Well- it was Sirius. He could not expect nothing else from him.

"I don't know" James wasn't sure about that. The way that Remus moved his feet, the fact that he went out to talk to his- Thomas, what did they talk about? What did he say? It was impossible that even Thomas didn't know.

"Care to elaborate? Fucking talk to us Remus?!" Sirius was exasperated and James could share this feeling, gritting out something from Remus was fucking tiring, and when he didn't want to talk it was so much more tiring than ever.
Maybe he had his reasons, because Remus was someone who fucking thought of everything, who didn't leave anything to the case, who planned everything, so maybe there was really a reason for this secretiveness but- it was difficult for them to understand that their best friend almost got killed and they couldn't know about this.

"I already said that I was passed out- I cannot know!"

"Where is Thomas? I'll ask him personally-" Sirius said and Remus gasped.

"Wait Sirius- it's not necessary-" Lily tried to say, always the pure soul who logically tried to get over every argument. Right now interrogate Thomas was not the best option. After they decided to not tell Remus about their secret keeper they tried to make him more included, they didn't want Remus to think they didn't trust him.

"Yes it is"

"No it really isn't"

“He is doing it again! You are letting us out!”

“No I’m not-“

“Then tell us! Tell us everything!”

“I can’t tell you what I don’t know Sirius! I- I’m not sure of anything right now- things just got difficult and my brain is melting, I can’t remember! I can’t remember! I want but I can't- and- I don’t know what to believe- and my world has been flipped off- so don’t Sirius- not now-“

"It's always like this with you."

"Well- I had always put all my strength on my fucking mind, on my fucking memory but right now it isn't enough Sirius! I know things but I don't know how to believe at them! I- I-" Remus took his head between his hands and James didn't know how to resolve this. "I'm not sure about anything."

“Yeah- neither do I.” Was the only thing that Sirius said after all of that and James heart literally collapsed.

They were falling a part.

They were all falling a part.

They were-

Falling-

A part

After Peter betrayed them everything got so bad and he didn't know how to resolve this, he didn't know and James was so lost, so fucking lost, he felt like it was his fault that he wasn't the persone he believed he was, he couldn't help them though their needs, he couldn't help them when they needed it- he couldn't- he couldn't but he couldn't lose them- not them-

Not them.

Not them.

Not even them.

"James" he felt a hand on his arms and he jumped away, his breath came out ragged, he was find hard to think clearly. He wanted his mom.

"James, honey-"he found himself in a big hug, strong arms were holding him up and his breath calmed down a bit, his mind was clearer and-

"Guys- don't- please- please don't- don't-" his words were chocked. argue. He seemed a little child who assisted to his parents arguing and was scared to them breaking a part.
He felt so fucking useless, weak, scared- he- he didn't want to appear like this he wanted to be strong, to be like Remus who affronted his worst nightmare and today was here

"James, hey-" someone said but he couldn't distinguish the voice and he panicked even more, he wanted to be safe- he wanted- he wanted-

"It's okay prongs, me and Sirius are okay. We've been through worse." Remus put a hand on his shoulders, caressing his back and he leaned on his broad chest. "We were just- discussing a bit. But we're good"

"Right, that's right. We are okay. And we're still here." The voice of Sirius arrived at his hears a bit muffled but everything was getting better.

"We're still here and we're okay" James repeated it like a mantra and it was getting him somewhere.

"We're still here and we're okay." Sirius said, repeating those words once again.

"Yes you're okay-" he sniffed even though he had been able to not cry. "I'm-"

"Don't dare to say that you're sorry prongs, we're at fault."

"No! No it's-" James said, his big hazel eyes that were hidden between his lenses looked at his best friend. "I don't want to lose you. I feel like every day is worse." Sirius looked guilty and Remus' breath was taken away for a minute.
"I'm sorry- I don't mean to make you feel bad."

"James, darling" Effie took his head between her hands and planted a kiss on his forehead. "Sometimes a little arguing shows you that a person cares for you, honey. Don't ever forget that. It's okay to talk. It's better to talk this out." His mother said and he smiled at her.

"Don't remember me how much I used to argue with your mother when we were younger? Oh god- she was so fucking stubborn James, never seen a woman like that."

"You liked me for that, Fleamont. Don't ever forget that."

Later that day they found each other on the sofa, tired as hell, but happier, calmer. Tomorrow there was going to be another Order's meeting, the first one after everything happened and they were ready to fight, ready to go on, ready to finish.

But today- today there were okay like that. Happy they were still alive and well.

Sirius was between Remus' legs, they seemed to have found a little peace after his meltdown and maybe- maybe it did serve at something.

"It's okay James, we'll go through this. I swear. And we'll do it together." Sirius looked into Remus eyes and planted a kiss on his cheeks, Remus blushed like he was a teenager again and Lily giggled at that.

"Didn't know you could still blush for something like this Moons."

"It'll be always like the first time with you, love." And this time was Sirius to blush, a red even more bright than Remus' one.

Tomorrow was going to be another day.

---------------------------

"Here, told you I was right" Barty grinned and Regulus really wanted to kiss him. Really, really, really. Because he was a fucking genius and Regulus liked when Barty put some effort into things.

"To Tom Riddle, who gave his services to our school; what bullshit" Regulus read loud the words displayed on the gold plaque and he almost laughed. He really wanted to know about this services that was talking about.

"So? Can we start from Hogwarts? Is it the right path?" Evan chimed in, a small smile growing up in his red lips. "Maybe we can ask to the teachers.”

"Aww- I missed little Slughorn after all, I wonder how he's doing"
Barty grinned and Regulus rolled his eyes, Barty was literally the worst with him, he absolutely loved to make him crazy. Everyone gave credit to the Marauders but they were just stupid enough in getting discovered, them- oh them- no one ever found any evidence against them.
Their little mischief still unknown.

Regulus grinned.

"Let's pay him a visit."

Chapter Text

March, 1976

Lily had started to follow Regulus around.
He didn't think he would ever see this day, but she transformed in James potter part. two and right now he couldn't support not even one of them. She even tried to sneak up on him and he really, really was done for it.
Well- she was just worried about him because he started to avoid her, and she was nice and caring and he felt almost touched by that but his mind was being funny and his mood was at the lowest and right now he wanted to cry in his bed but he couldn't so he just had to keep going on and on and study, study, study to get his grades up, to surpass Barty, to be the best of all of them, to make his parents proud.

He was tired? No. Not at all.
He was so fucking tired? Absolutely no.
Stop asking, stop thinking, stop- just stop, stop, stop, stop.

He was fine.
He could go on.

He put his head between his hands and he dropped on his knees.
"I'm fine, fine, fine, fine. Everything is okay." So why? Why he felt the urge to cry? Why he felt the tears sting in his eyes, why he felt so empty and-

"No you're not. And the day you'll actually admit it the world would fucking glow" Lily was watching his figure from above, her gaze steady and firm on his figure and he felt a shiver running along his back.

Fuck- not now. He cursed under his breath, talking to Lily was fantastic because she was a smart and witty girl, but precisely because she was a smart and witty girl he found it also excruciating. It was nearly impossible hide something to her.

"No, it would not because at the world don't fucking care about me." He said rolling his eyes, he could feel the start of a headache blooming behind his eyes.

"Don't be always so pessimist, tough boy."

"Being pessimist it's my better quality, Lily. So no thank you"

"I could think of something else that would fit better as a quality." She smiled at him but he couldn't see that it was a bit fake. Wonderful, even Lily couldn't stand him right now.

"Then you would be lying."

"No, it's you who can't see your value" ha snorted because he could make her an alphabetical list about why he was so useless.
But he didn't have the strength to do that.
He didn't even have the strength to talk.
It was even hard to breathe sometimes and he was almost scared that he would forget how to breathe properly.

"Why are you here, Lily?" He sighed, passing a hand on his face.

"Because you're avoiding me" she said and Regulus arched an eyebrow, why Lily Evan was interested in him? They were friends- yeah- but nothing more.
She should be glad that he was so busy with his studies to not care for her.
But-
Why his chest became hot when he saw her look?
"And mostly because I'm worried."
And he felt a light blush on his cheeks.
She was worried for him?

"And you didn't ask yourself why would I avoid you?"

"Nope. So I'm here to ask you, Regulus."

"The answer is easy, I'm not avoiding you. I'm just busy."

"Yeah, I've seen. You're busy studying your brain out? Skipping meals and sleep? I thought you were smarter than that."

"I'm not-" he rolled his eyes. "Owls are near Lily, you must know that. Even you would be busy."

"And here I think that it's not the main reason. Regulus you're studying for the test since September, you're not behind."

"I am. Question closed. Move I gotta go in." He pointed his hand on the grass, trying to get up, but he didn't find enough strength to pull himself up.

"I don't think I will." Lily crossed her arms and he rolled his eyes. She could be right but he wouldn't admit that to her and, most importantly, he really was going to study.

"Lily-"

"Regulus." She huffed under her breath and he rolled his eyes.

"I'll ask nicely. Can you move out of my way? I can't lose time I need-"

"I understand Regulus. I heard you before. I know. You have to study boo-hoo. Boring." Regulus gritted his teeth.

"So let me go!"

"I can't! Not when you're so stressed that your hands keep trembling even though you're not even holding anything, not when the skin on your face is paler than Moaning Myrtle's one! And she's fucking dead!" She pointed out and he felt getting smaller under her strict gaze. "Your eyes are fucking bloodshot. Did you look at yourself in the mirror this morning?"

"I-I-" Regulus started, finally getting up from the floor but it hadn't been a good idea, his head started spinning around and he suppressed a groan.
No he didn't watch himself in the mirror that morning. Or the others as well.
Fuck- should he start to conceal his skin to cover those things up? If Lily noticed his professor would notice too and he couldn't be-
"I'm fine, Lily." He passed a hand on his head, trying to fix his hair and some lights danced in front of him, he trembled a bit and Lily was able to catch his arm and steady him.

Fuck it was so embarrassing.
Lily gave him a skeptical look but she didn't say anything about that.
Thank Merlin she knew him.

"Regulus, you're more prepared than a fucking professor. Why are you doing this? You don't need to pull yourself like this."
Regulus gulped under his robes, but he didn't let Lily go.
Instead he leaned on her shoulder, she slid on the grass and he followed her gladly to sit a bit, he found himself without strength all of sudden and he wanted to be cuddled a bit in her warm embrace.
"I'm so worried about you Reg. You- you don't even seem to appreciate the little things anymore, so worried about everything else. I- I liked when-" she smiled. "Well- when we fight at potions to have the first place, and- and you were almost happy. You found that amusing. I know that. But now- now you don't even held you heard straight."

He closed his eyes, beaming at her hands that started stroking his curls.

"It's-" his voice was trembling. "I got- well- I didn't receive the- a good grade in the last test. Transfiguration has always been a pain in the ass for me. And this time- it wasn't even too bad but my- my parents- I don't-" The lump in his throat was blocking his words. "I don't know how- but they were informed of it and-" he pull out the letter from his pocket, he had always that letter with him, to remember that he had to do good, to be the best, to do more and more because he didn't want to let them down.

He had to do this.

He had to be perfect.

Because if he was perfect they would let Sirius live with the Potters and maybe- maybe they would finally be able love him. Or be proud of him.

He would earn that.
Their love.
He would- he would succeed.
He was going to be the perfect son.
And a perfect son didn't falter, a perfect son didn't get anxious, didn't fail his test-

And then he would earn their recognition.

Lily read the letter, his big green eyes gazing the words and becoming darker and darker as she went on reading.
"But! This is so much bullshit! They're despicable person! I hate them- fuck I hate them so much! They couldn't treat you like this! We are very disappointed" she started reading out loud and he lowered his gaze, embarrassed by his failure.
"Your father and I didn't want to believe to have such a stupid child but here we go once again, Regulus, what the hell is this?" But he couldn't look at her.
She was perfect.
She was smart.
She was brilliant.
She never, never, never failed a test probably.

"It's the truth, Evans. And now I- I've lost so much time. I need to study. I need to-"

"No, you're staying here. I'm not finished."

"Please Lily, Please, you have to let me do my job."

"This is not a job, this is not your job"

"No. This is all I have to make them proud."

"You shouldn't make them proud, they should be proud of you nonetheless. You're the best in your year, maybe in all of the school."

"Don't- don't say this to me. Don't be so cruel. Sirius is better. Sirius is better even when he's not even trying to do it- he's the better so-" he stopped himself.
Because Sirius wasn't anymore with them, but even when he was so far away, even when he was a traitor he would be better than him.
Lily eyed him, a sadness took over and he didn't want her pity.
He didn't need her pity.
He just needed to study.

She hug him again and he slumped against her chest.
One minute. Just another minute. And then he would return to his studies.

"They don't deserve you. Regulus I'll tell you this until the end of our days. You're better than them."

He couldn't respond because no, no he wasn't.

And less than a year later even Lily was going to believe this.

------------------

That night the moon smiled on the three boys who reached the shade of the trees without detecting any problems. The forest was pervaded by the crunching of tree branches, laden with the first fresh snow of the season.
Regulus, Barty and Evan lowered their hoods, observing the structure that had been their home for seven long years, place in which they grow up and felt sadness, stress, anxiety, love and friendship.

"I didn't think we would come back like this." Barty whispered in the air, a low sound among the trees and the air. Regulus gazed the structure asking if Dumbledore was seeing them right now or if he was too busy deciding the fate of his soldiers.

"What do you mean like this? Hiding like thieves about to climb a secret room?" Evan interjected, a small smile on his lips. Regulus didn't point it out but he saw him stretching out his hand and Barty taking it gladly.

Regulus looked out at the sky, they probably were remembering their first time, their first date, their first meet, and eh knew this because he was remembering too.
His first time with James, the books he shared with Lily, the few times he was able to laugh, to feel like a real person, to be like himself, to both feel the burden of his name, the gaze of his parents.
To be loved.
And with love came the heartbreak.
Strong like a tidal wave, destructive, massive and absolutely devastating.

Regulus coughed, blinking quickly to chase away the moisture that was pooling at his eyes' sides.

"Mmh- maybe" Barty said thoughtfully. "But also with a target on our heads, a betrayal behind us, and a guillotine over our heads." His friend grinned and Regulus rolled his eyes. No one should smile with a background like theirs, yet Barty was there, fearless, Regulus didn't know if he was really stupid or really certain of their abilities.

"It feels like we're back to the good old days." Regulus muttered, his mind racing.

"We should go before the old guy find us."
And with that they entered the school, their presence unnoticed, Regulus had to say that there was not a strong surveillance.

They went straight to their old potion' teacher, they already knew were he lived off in the castle, it was not that difficult to discover when one was a sexually repressed and bored teenager with nothing else to do if not brooding about life and all that shit.
And regulus was not talking about himself.
Not at all.
He was just an observer, he like to keep everything under control because he felt the power over it, he hated surprises because usually they were all bad, so he analyzed and analyzed again, at the end it became like a game for him, almost funny.

Their steps slid unwound and silent on the rich marble of the school, the light of the moon entering from the big windows was the only source of lights they had that night, and was enough.
"When he sees you, he'll faint, I bet five gallons." Barty smiled widely and Regulus rolled his eyes once again.

"Now that you're the Lord of the Noble and Ancient House Black he'll do more than simply fainting." Evan backed him up.

"He'll start licking your ass."

"Which wouldn't be bad, given the situation. It will be easier to get things out of him, if I can I would like not to resort to legilimens." Regulus whispered, his mind set on their job.

"I never said it's a bad thing Reggieskins, just that it will be fun to watch" Evan laughed and even he had to admit that a small smile appeared on his lips. They were such idiots.

"Here we are, shut up and let me do the job done." He said suddenly in front of the big brown door, it was ancient and used and he could still remember all the times he went in to stole some of Slughorn potions.

"You just want to have all the credit."

"I can't believe, after everything we did for you the only thing you care is being famous and get all the compliments."

"Shut up assholes." He huffed because they were idiots.

"And now you're even insulting us! Can't believe it!"

"Mr. Black? Mr. Crouch? Mr. Rosier? Is this you?"

"Shit" they all screamed jumping at Slughorn who decided to appear in front of them. "What are you doing here? What's all this fuss? It's 2 A.M. boys!" He had his sleeping vest on, he was scrubbing his eyes trying to rub off the sleep from them and- it was rather funny.

"We're extremely sorry." Barty said, looking extremely shy at the floor and Evan pull a face trying to not laugh.
No they weren't.

"We didn't want to wake you up this late-" Evan started.

"But we need to talk to you, professor." Regulus finished smiling, like they were playing a theater comedy. The professor eyed them suspiciously and they smiled even brighter, like the little good boy they were.

"And you couldn't do it during the day?"

"It's- it's a matter of life and death." Evan said serious and Regulus rolled his eyes once again, scoffing and almost laughing.

"What?" The teacher pales under their gaze, what he could think of them was extraneous. Slughorn with probably half of the school knew their decision about the war, so what was he thinking? That they had been sent by Voldemort? That they were working for him?
Probably.
Was he going to help them?
He was a teacher after all, he couldn't and shouldn't help the main enemy of the school, the man who want to destroy everything to gain power, the one who want to kill half of the muggle that were sleeping in those four walls.
"Life and death? What do you mean?"

"We're kidding Sluggy! We're here to greet you and make a good talk! You're not happy to see us?" Barty smiled with his teeth, a cold calculated smile and their former teacher furrowed his eyebrows, trying to catch if they were serious or not.

"N-no I'm always happy to see former student so brilliant like you." Regulus smiled, a fake one but it always worked with their professor. "But at the right time-"

"But now we're here" Barty pouted and Slughorn eyed him badly, maybe for the stupid surname he gave him before.

"We made a looooong way to get here, you're not sending us back empty handed, right?" Evan bit his lips and Regulus almost screamed when he saw Barty making big eyes to him like he was holding the moon. They were lovesick idiots, he was so tired of them.

"Can we enter professor? We'll be fast. A little chat and then gone." Regulus stopped their comedy and looked bored at Slughorn. There were there and they would get the answers. End of the discussion.

The teacher made way to make them pass through him and enter his room.
It was pretty dark but the candles were giving them a soft aurea.
It was going to be enough.

"How are-" he tried to say but Regulus was fast enough to stop him, he didn't want to prolong his stay here, he didn't want Dumbledore to intercept them and do God know what to them for being death eaters, he had still thing to do and too little time.

"Who was Tom Riddle?" Barty cursed under his breath something along right to the point and next time I'll do the questions.

"What?" Slughorn seemed to be taken aback and Regulus couldn't understand if it was because he did something or because the question was too sudden.

"I was doing a research for the Minister-" he didn't need to know that it was fake. "You know- being the Lord Black and having as a support my library with years and years of history helped me get the job-" he nodded toward the teacher, hoping that he would believe at that without asking him further question.
"And- well- this is when things started to get a bit fuzzy- there was this accident at school that is uhm- cataloged but not explained with this Tom Riddle. And being a perfectionist I just had to know more."

"I'm following Mr. Black." Slughorn sat on a chair and Regulus continued with his history, walking up and down his study, reading the books on the shelf.

"And then Barty remembered about the plaque, the honor he received and everything else-" Slughorn looked at his friend and he smiled.
"You were there- so- can you explain it to us?"

Regulus hoped that Slughorn didn't see the few holes in his history.

It was real that something happened at Hogwarts but why they associated it to Tom Riddle? He was just a name among names.
There was even James Potter's name out there, as the best quidditch captain, so Slughorn could sniff their lie if he really wanted to but he hoped not.

And what did the Minister have to do with the school that was under Albus jurisdiction?

Or why they were investigating about that fact that seemed to be over and closed?

"Tom Riddle was able to obtain that because he was of crucial help in discovering the culprit about a student's death." Slughorn said easily and Regulus' brain started to work on this informations.

"What student? Who was the culprit?"

"Mirtilla Warren is the girl who tragically died and- well- Hagrid was the one who-"
Mirtilla Warred.
Moaning Myrtle?
Could she be the girl who died?
Hagrid.
Was he the man who killed her?
Really?

"Hagrid? The bear out there? The one who cries when he kills a mosquito?" Barty interjected after he poured himself a bit of whisky.
Exactly his point.

"Exactly for that he was the one who killed the girl. Or well- He really didn't kill her- like- like that. He introduced this creature in the school and it was that who killed the girl. But yeah- same thing."
So because he was this good man who couldn't say no to helpless creatures he had been grounded as culprit? Something was off.

"And Tom Riddle helped the school?"
How caring.
Regulus wasn't going to believe that bullshit, he was a genius and a mastermind even at fifteen years old.

"I don't know for sure, Dumbledore was in charge of it but Thomas saw the creature and reported it to him. I know nothing else." Slughorn said. But he didn't watch them in the eyes. "Done? Do you have everything? There was no need to come here this late boys. You should sleep. And I should too."

But Regulus- oh Regulus was able to detect a lie from miles and miles of distance.
Being a pathological liar got him that, he was now able to see and study other's people behavior and simply see.

"Nothing else? At all? Tom Riddle must have been a great student. Slytherin? Yours?"

"Oh he was sure a brilliant student. Always full of question."

"What type of question?"
What kind of question could Voldemort ask?
Dark type of question?
Would Slughorn answer them?
Fuck his head was start spinning, too much question, too few answers, he couldn't-

"The usual question a boy not used to magic usually do." The teacher said, too quickly, almost too harsh, like he had been spot on.

"Dark question?" Regulus asked, fast.

"No!" Their teacher said and even Barty who started smiling, could smell his lie.

"Something must have triggered you, right?"

"I already said no, Mr.Black. Now you really need to go." He pointed straight the door but Regulus sometimes was like a dog who liked to haunt his pray until it gave up. And right now Slughorn was the pray ready to be slaughtered.

"I'm sorry professor, but I need to check."
And then he was entering his mind, it had not been very difficult, Slughorn wasn't used to this type of invasion and Regulus felt bad to do it.
He felt almost sick because- because- because every time he did something like this he felt being closer and closer like her, like his mother, and he didn't want to be like her, but- but he was too late right?
James told him that.
That eh was like them.
That in the end what James did for him was not enough, it'll never be enough because he was too similar. Nothing like Sirius- Sirius- Sirius the perfect man, the perfect son, the perfect friend, the perfect lover.

He was just like her.

And he invaded his mind like her.

But right now he had to do his job, to read his mind. Because he needed to discover everything. He needed to finish this war. For Barty, Evan, Lily, James.
Harry. Harry. Harry.
The bond was growing stronger and stronger as the days passed by and staying away from Harry so much hurt him like hell, so he had to finish this war and fix this situation. Probably his parents didn't want a person like him near their son but he needed to see him, like he needed the air to breathe.
For Harry.

Later- later he would tremble in his bad, away from there, he would bleed himself as punishment to remember that he didn't like to be like them, he didn't like to be like her, he didn't enjoy to do this.
He didn't.
He wasn't like her. They were wrong.

And while he flashed Slughorn memories in front of his eyes he could see the man he was looking for.
Here we go- Tom Riddle- Voldemort- he was him.
There was no doubt.
This one was still healthy, he still hadn't done all the killing all the horcruxed, he didn't split his soul so- so he- he seemed normal. Now he was soulless, his figure was a bit distorted but he had still the same slander figure.
And mostly the aurea. That remained the same.

Mischievous, dark, fascinating.
A leader.
A liar.
A psychopath.

"I was in the library that night, in the restricted section." The boy started and Regulus found himself with his breath take aback, like he shouldn't be there. Slughorn was pretty comfortable, drinking his liquor, listening to Tom, he was his favorite.
"And I read something rather odd about a bit of rare magic."
Tom stopped himself, Slughorn listened, almost caught into his words.
"It's called, as I understand it, a horcrux."

Slughorn tensed. He didn't want o look into his eyes, he was trying to dodge the question but Tom Riddle was too smart. He had the man in his hands.
"Pardon?"

"Horcrux. I came across while reading and I didn't fully understand that."

"I'm not sure about what you were reading but this is very dark stuff, Thomas." The professor was tiptoeing around Thomas and Regulus could understand him, he had been under his scrutiny and he was fucking scaring.

"Which is why I came to you."

"A horcrux is an object in which a person had concealed part of their souls."

"But I don't understand how that works."

"By doing that even if your body will be destroyed, you're protected."

"Protected?"

"Because the part of your soul that is hidden is still alive. You cannot die."

"And how do you do that?"

"I think that you already know the answer Thomas."

"Murder"

"Yes, killing rips the soul apart." Regulus started praying Slughorn to just stop answering. Just stop.

"Can one do seven of them?"

"Seven? Marlin Thomas- just- just thinking of killing one person- but seven?" Slughorn's voice trembled, while Thomas faced the fireplace.
"This is all hypothetical, right? Academic question?"

"Of course it is professor. Of course."
And then Regulus started hyperventilating.

Seven?

Seven?

Seven?

S

E

V

E

N

?

It was bad- it was so bad. It was beyond of his imagination, he thought of one at the start, maybe three right now, considering that his cousin had one of them somewhere. But Seven?
Seven?
All around the world?

Regulus was suddenly brought back, his concentration gone. They both fell on the ground and he was feeling so bad that hoped that Barty and Evan took care of the others things. Like making the man forget everything.
Even though he wanted to kill Slughorn right now on the spot.
This is all hypothetical?
Hypothetical as shit, Tom Riddle was such a fucking sociopath.

"Regulus!" He tried to talk but his mind was racing so fast that he found difficult to find the words. His mind couldn't concentrate enough to explain them because right now was all a blur of emotions.

"Regulus! What happened?"

"Seven-" his eyes were blown wide, his mouth open, he tried to go back but- but- but-
"Seven- seven- seven- what- where?"
Where were they?
How would they find them?

"What?"

"Did you go mad inside his head?"

"Fucking hell- why each day that pass I feel everything going from bad to worse?"

"Ignorance is a bliss sometimes."

"Alright this is why we can't have nice things-" Barty sighed.
"Put Slughorn to bed and let's make him forget- like everything- and then let's get away from here. Quickly."

Times passed in a blur, he was yanked away from the room and finally he was able to breathe some fresh air, it was almost starting December and the cold wind woke him up from his trance. He couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe it.

He met his friend's gaze and they both took a deep breath.
"Nice to see you back, princess." Barty grinned.

"Care to tell us what you find in the old lag mind to be so shocking? Not a lot of things are able to shock you so much"

"There are seven of them out there."
At their skeptical look he went on.
"He made seven Horcruxes."
And right now the awareness took place in their face.

"Seven-" Evan whispered.

"-horcruxes?" Barty said, then closed his eyes and start cursing every fucking name that came into his mind, and the were a lot.
Where the fuck one could find seven horcruxes? How one could even create seven of them.

They got one and they had been very lucky that Lucius was not as smart as he thought. Maybe two if they found the one that Bellatrix had.

But the other five?
Holy crap, things were about to go down.

Chapter Text

"We should plan an attack." Bellatrix said, with her usual grin on her face.
They were once again in current Voldemorts bedroom and Regulus could not contain a little pride every time he looked at the man unconscious on the bed.
He did a really good job.
"A month has passed since-" she stopped abruptly and her husband went on for her.

"-Since what happened to our Lord and we didn't do anything at all. The Order is becoming more and more comfortable and it's not good." Rabastan said and Regulus rolled his eyes, the man couldn't plot anything intelligent enough against the Order even if his own life depended on it.

"Maybe that's not a bad thing. We can push them into a false sense of security and then attack when the moment is right, which is when Our Lord'll wake up." Regulus said, his mind plotting, he had enough things on his plate without having to plan an attack against the Order, and for what?

"Right know we don't know if he'll wake up, so I don't think that it's good to wait so long. And this is partially your fault, you're not working hard enough, I didn't see you once since I ordered you to heal him and Our Lord should be your priority." Rabastan continued and he gritted his teeth, fuck- he didn't think hard enough. It was real that he didn't pay enough attention, not when he wanted to put on a good image for them to believe him.

"I just have been busy with my new title, but I'm always helping with his recovery."

"Oh- for real?" Bellatrix smiled at him and there was nothing good in that smile. It was harsh and calculated, she was testing the waters and his cousing had always been intelligent enough to sniff a lie from miles away. She was still a Black at the end of the day.

Evan stiffened around him and Barty was able to get near him with elegance, making a good shield for him.
The tension in the air was- a lot, but he didn't want to lose all the things they gained for his cousin' doing.

"He's consulting the Black library. I can't since I'm not the heir and I don't know where to find the things we need. But I think that this is why he's not around here a lot." Snape said instead and regulus rolled his eyes.
Okay- he had been nice- like he resolved their current problem with his cousin but fuck- he didn't wanted to have anything to do with him.
Now he had to reciprocate.

Bellatrix looked at him, as if she was able to pull the lies through them with her gaze and Regulus huffed in annoyance.
They were playing the same game and he was not going to lose, he had to much at stake.

"If you asked me directly I would have said the same thing, dearest cousin." She smiled at him and Regulus could heard her say something like: we'll see if you'll be enough able.

"It doesn't matter if you're looking for a cure or not, just the fact that I see no improvements in his condition." Rosier Sr. said and Evan stiffened again near him.

"It's not as easy as you think." Snape said and he liked the hear the edge on his voice. He was as proud as he was at school. "He's like in a force slumber, I think that his body is doing most of the work for us, his soul is regenerating himself and no potion will do good or help right now."
Regulus didn't know if Snape reached this conclusion by himself or because he already knew about the Horcruxes, but it made a lot of sense, he didn't need a lot of healing potions if his body was still present in those fucking things he created.

"Bullshit. No one can heal himself on a death bed. I think that you're not as good as you think." Rabastan snapped back, but it was more direct at him and not at Snape.

"Maybe" Snape said almost rolling his eyes and the silence fell on the room.
He was not wrong though.
They weren't healers.
They were good with potions but it wasn't enough.

"Maybe we should search for a healer. Someone who is capable enough to at least understand what the fuck is wrong with him."

"No other people involved." Lucius said and Rabastan arched an eyebrow towards him.

"There'll be no people involved if we kill the healer right after."

"An accident, like always."

"The healer must not be important, maybe someone retired. We can't make people assume that Our Lord is sick and if a healer disappears everyone could reach to that conclusion. None of us is so important to even kidnap a healer to heal us. Only Our Lord is." They all nodded.
Regulus was not happy but a healer was needed there, and- well Bellatrix knew what she was talking about.

"I know a name." Rabastan said, but his mischievous grin was making Regulus think that it was nothing good. Fucking Rabastan and his need to always fight with him.
"Someone with a big heart and the need to save the poor kitten ostracized."

And-
Oh-
Oh no.

Not her.

"Euphemism Potter. She had been the best healer since she started her apprenticeship. But I don't want to upset the little Lord here, she was the one who brought in the escaped one."
Ha felt the need to punch him.
To make him bleed with his bare fists.
No magic, no wand, no powers, just- just a good fucking punch to eliminate that fucking grin from his face.

"No upsetting done." Regulus said, he felt the gaze of half of the room on his figure, the fact that Evan was practically vibrating against his side, that Bellatrix was studying him and Narcissa rolling her eyes made him feel almost trapped.
But fuck it.
"I don't care about who she saved and what heart she had, these are pretty useless information, but with you Rabastan everything always is. Useless." Regulus had been capable to say, his tone almost bored, because he fucking was.
He was tired and bored of saving everyone else asses off.
He needed a distraction.

"You son of-"

"Uhuh - stay there Fido I'm not finished-" Regulus whistled like he was talking to a dog and Barty snorted.
"I just want to explain why your idea is wrong." He started getting near Rabastan, hoping to rile him up enough.
"First. Euphemia Potter. As you said she was the most talented healer- so- everyone knows her. Second. She's Fleamont Potter's wife, left or right hand of Albus Silente. Do you really think that they'll let it slide? The kidnapping and murdering his other half? No. They'll came here, searching revenge and then-" he waved his hands in the air. "Third. Their house is where most Order's meeting are held so the security will be a lot. Do I need to continue? No- I don't think so. I didn't think you were this stupid Rab-" but he couldn't finish this sentence that he found a fist on his face.

Bingo!.
But fucking hell it hurt.

"You must learn to keep your mouth shut, Regulus." Rabastan said when he tried to give him another punch. "Just because you're the lord now, doesn't meant that you can do whatever you want-"

"Oh- but I actually can-" Regulus smiled, blood coming out from his split lip, and he tried to keep down a laugh that wanted so bad to escape.

"Woah- man- keep calm- with you we can't even talk-"

"Rabastan fucking hell are you out of your mind?" Evan said, keeping the man out of reach and regulus winked at them.

"It's better if we let slide this idea."

"Yeah- I mean- we aren't even capable of going figures choosing someone important enough to not kill our Lord."

"Really, I didn't believe you were like this-"

"You should behave."

"Or someone should make you behave." Regulus looked right at his cousin, she wanted to make him the bad guy? First she had to think about her husband.

"Let's- let's go on okay? We can talk about this another time. Can you do something else?" Narcissa pointed at Snape and he was ready to nod.

"We can try something else, yeah." He said with his usual cadence but he was looking right at him. Ops. Okay. He'll behave too. He'll help himself just to make them calm down and let slide the idea of kidnapping Euphemia Potter.
He just hoped that Bellatrix really went on and didn't do anything with her own had, she was too unpredictable.

"Let's go home, we'll talk about this later." Barty said and the all nodded to him, but he didn't forget to put a track on Bellatrix and Rabastan side, just in case.
Even though he was sure it was not just in case.
With them it was possible that everything would fall miserably down, down, down.
Fucking idiots.

-------------------

May 1977,

Regulus was like floating.
His body was not following his mind, responding differently every time James touched his body. It was like flying without a broom. It was like doing magic without a wand. Something that he thought it would be impossible but here they were.

He kissed James Potter.
And James Potter kissed him.
Voluntarily.
Without feeling any disgust toward him, without criticizing his choices, his being, his- his everything.
He felt good and accepted for the first time in his life.
He felt alive.
Alive like- like- fuck he never felt like this.
It was so good that he could cry of joy.