Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[🥒] STOP ASKING TO SEE MY “CUCUMBER”

For the final time, I picked this username as a joke and I thought I’d be able to change it later! I can’t make a new account because I’ve bought all the limited time chapters here and they can’t be transferred!

[💌] Peerless Cucumber, can we honestly e-date? You're… [see more]

[🎲] wow, that is incredibly fucked up. You don’t deserve this kind of harassment. Don’t worry cucumber bro, i’ve got your back. Send me your dickpics and i’ll keep them safe for you

[🎨] speech 100

[👓] bro was sent down the luo rizzver when he was a baby 

[🎮] so like.. Is it big or nah

[🎀] it just says peerless, not big. Maybe it’s peerless in the way it’s the smallest in the world

[🥒] Setting boundaries with someone with trauma?

I have someone staying with me, unsure for how long, but I’m trying to figure out how to set boundaries without being too dominating. He has a lot of trauma and tends to get easily angry, but I really have to be firm because he keeps flirting with me to make me mad. 

[💌] Peerless Cucumber, can we honestly e-date? You're… [see more]

[🌶] how are you always first to these posts

[💌] ten percent luck, twenty percent skill, fifteen percent concentrated power of will

[🌶] omg now here's a throwback

[🎲] FIVE PEECWMT PLEASURE

[🌶] FIVE PERCENT PAIN

[💌] AND A HUNDRED PERCENT REASON TO REMEMBER THE NAME !! 🗣🗣🗣

[🦷] oh i don’t think he’ll complain about you being “too dominating” 

[👓] your.. “roommate” who is living with you FOR FREE keeps flirting with you I… I have no words

[🎀] peerless cucumber at his own wedding: this guy's dressed up in red and bowing to me in order to make me mad !!

[🥒] My roommate bit me, do I need to seek medical care?

He doesn't have any diseases or illnesses, and my wound is already closing. I’ve sprayed the area with alcohol, but is that enough? Can I get tetanus or something?

[💌] Peerless Cucumber, can we honestly e-date? You're… [see more]

[🐳] every single time, like clockwork 

[👓] hope you and PC get married and have lots of kids one day, copypasta bro 

[💌] thank you ..

[🎲] BABE WAKE UP PEERLESS CUCUMBER POSTED

[🚀] sorry how can you be so sure he has no illnesses? 

[🥒] He’s vaccinated against everything. 

[👓] ..what?

[🚀] need to hear more about this magical vaccine that prevents any health issues possible

[💣] immune to all illnesses?? Bro are you having delusions that Luo binghe is your roommate now

[🥒] Can you all please stop bringing PIDW up on every post I make? This is my personal account! I don't know why you have all decided it's so funny to follow me around different social medias, but it's really getting old! 

[🎲] ……. I'm very concerned because at no point did he deny he was talking about lbh

[🦷] @peerlesscucumber are you going to beat the allegations?

[🦷] WHY DID HE STOP REPLYING 

[🎨] everyone us talking about the no disease thing and just casually glossing over a grown man biting him

[🎀] whenever a post from peerless cucumber has “my roomate” in it, you're gonna hear the most batshit insane thing possible ans we've all accepted this

[🥒] Stop asking about the book.

Some of you will remember I once made a post titled ‘How would you, hypothetically, explain the concept of electricity to a 200 year old xianxia emperor from a magical land?’ In the comments I said I was asking because I’m writing a book about a reverse transmigrator. Stop asking when it’s coming out, it’s never coming out. 

[💌] Peerless Cucumber, can we honestly e-date? You're… [see more]

[🎮] how has cucumber bro not blocked you yet 

[💌] he has . 7 times. That’s why my usernames cucumberloveralways8

[👓] are you joking i genuinely can’t tell

[🥒] Blocking him doesn’t work, I just try to ignore him now. 

[💌] OMG PEERLESS CUCUMBER HI. CAN WE EDATE YOU’RE SO… [see more]

[💣] the self insert fanfic has been cancelled .. can someone update the wiki I'm too lazy rn

[🥒] The what.

[🦷] did you guys not tell him about the wiki... 💀

[🥒] I swear to God, if I look up peerless cucumber and find out you assholes made a FANDOM WIKI OF ME… 

[🌶] ……. 💀💀💀

[🥒] I HATE YOU ALL. 

[DISCUSSION] What made you follow peerless cucumber?

Both PIDW and non-PIDW answers are welcome. 

[🎲] i used to hate read proud immortal demon way and my favourite part would always be getting to the end of the chapter and seeing someone write out all my thoughts in the funniest and meanest way possible. Even after i lost interest i stuck around for cucumber bro. I stopped reading around chapter 200 but now when i log on and see him super mad about whatever shitshow airplane has come up with now, it’s like im microdosing on pure hatred for pidw. It’s great

[🎨] You managed to escape.. God i wish that was me

[🐳] I've never read pidw but I followed him bc his comments are so fucking funny so sometimes I'll see a 4k word post about some shit like “discussing the allegories in the cat girl pussy magic arc” and I'm like hey cool . What the fuck is proud Immortal Demon Way about.

[🎨] it’s basically just trauma porn on trauma porn on trauma porn. The main character is a poor orphan (fucking cliche ass cultivation start already) and then his adoptive mother immediately dies. he gets into a cultivation sect just to get abused. At that point i fucking guess the writer went “hey this isnt enough needless trauma” and the protagonist fell into HELL. it’s literally just “bad things happen to mc all the time but hes fine somehow” over and over again

[🚀] careful dude, i might think you’re coming for cucumber’s place as no 1 anti fan

[🎀] @franchou hey, it’s not all trauma porn. A lot of it is also just regular porn. 

[💌] okay so you guys might not believe this but this is actually insane and true.

i used to write pidw fanfiction and peerless cucumber would comment on every chapter telling me i was the only person who characterized lbh right and didnt make everything horny and etc etc you guys alread know. But i had to stop writing for a few weeks bc of work. So i come home one day, completely exhausted, and see a comment in my inbox from him asking why i havent updated in so long. I kind of snapped and trauma dumped on pc about my health issues and how they put me in debt and how i was working two jobs at the time and struggling to pay rent and stuff. 

So friday comes along, i got my paycheck and i go to the bank and im about to cry bc the minimum loan repayment is about 90% of what i made. I tell the man i'm here to pay my loan and he looks up my account and goes “oh your loan is paid off, congrats!” 

PLEASE understand at this point i’d paid off like.. Maybe 5% of it. I go sorry i must not have given you the right account info i repeat everything and he goes no this is definitely your account. He turns the screen around and there’s my full name, my phone number, my address, everything. It’s definitely my account but it says i have no loan. I’m so confused but im like okay i tried so if they call about me not paying later i can say theyre the ones who messed up. I go home and open my banking app and see there was a deposit in my account that paid off my entire loan. And the depost was made ONE HOUR after I replied to pc’s comment.

I have never posted my banking information or even my name. I replied to his comment asking if it was him but he didn’t answer. I contacted my bank and asked what was going on bc i didn’t want to be involved in anything shady, and was kind of scared about people being able to just access my account. They just checked and two days later said they followed up and everything is legit. When i started writing again peerless cucumber just said “good to see you back” and continued commenting like nothing was wrong. Like i know it’s insane and i have no evidence it was him. But i seriously can’t think of any other explanation.

[💣] alex i’ll take things that happened for 400

[🎮] yeah cuz i know if my loans all magically got paid off i’d go to the bank and tell them they made a mistake 

[💌] proof: bank receipt and emails to the bank

[🎮] ..… what the fuck

[💣] HUH??????

[🐳] uh.. And you said you didnt tell him where to find you? Am i the only one who finds this kind of terrigying

[🎀] I’m sorry are you telling me peerless cucumber is some sort of omniscient guardian angel of PIDW content creators because… that honestly tracks

[🍁] would now be a good time to mention he commissioned me to draw lbh and paid half my rent . before anyone asks, proof

[🐳] how much is your rent exactly..?

[🍁] I LIVE IN SHENZHEN

[🐳] HOLY SHIT 

[🎀] i need to know what you drew that was worth that much money

[🍁] binghes cock.

[🎀] of course .

[DISCUSSION] Do you believe peerless cucumber is a real person? Why or why not?

[👓] several people have said theyve received large amounts of funding so either theyre real or just a rich loser with too much time on their hands 

[🚀] all those stories could be his own side accounts idk

[👓] so hes not real and anyone who says otherwise is also not real? What the hell is this, a witch trial?

[🎮] hater trial

[🍁] what happens when you pass the hater trial

[🎮] i diagnose you with hater

[🎀] no need i was assigned hater at birth

[🏛] I'm doing my thesis on Peerless Cucumber and their account is most definitely a social commentary project. 

First of all, I will say whoever (or whatever group) is running the PC account has done a fantastic job creating this persona. The PC account has several years worth of posts, and not once have I managed to find any personal information given that has contradicted any other statements. 

Now onto the main part: Peerless Cucumber is clearly of leftist/socialist ideology. There is so much to unpack regarding his views of women's issues, representation, and ethics. Personally I'm going to focus on PC's relationship with gender roles and sexuality. The “Luo Binghe won't fuck you” gag is familiar with all of PC's followers, but it truly goes much deeper than that. 

I believe one of the MANY political statements this account is making is that activism can, ironically enough, cause minorities to suppress themselves. Look at these posts and how PC speaks about women. He insists he's straight but dislikes straight porn, insisting it's because a feminist wouldn't sexualize women. Other times he uses progressive language to downplay his love for other men. 

It's endlessly fascinating and has a great point. When we say “it's not gay to say a man is beautiful” as PC often does, are we throwing actual gay people under the bus? Where is the line between fighting toxic masculinity and erasing men who really are attracted to other men? 

My thesis is incomplete, but if anyone wants to read 40 pages here's what I have. 

Edit: oh my God, thank you all for reminding me how could I forget. Peerless Cucumber reads BL and claims it is solely for connecting to his sister’s hobbies. Yet another… [see more]

[🥒] WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK I'M JUST STRAIGHT. AND I’M REAL?? WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS. 

[🎀] LMFAOAOO WHO TOLD HIM ABOUT THIS POST

[🐳] im actually fucking crying imagine he's just a normal dude and someone comments an essay about how he’s not real

[💣] not even an essay, a COLLEGE THESIS. that's like an essay on crack

[ 🥒 ] The gay jokes are unfunny and homophobic.

I understand most of you know from Proud Immortal Demon Way, and I really can’t expect a shitshow novel like that to have an audience of considerate people, but come on. It’s the 21st century. We’re past the need to call people gay as a joke or as an insult to feminist men. 

[🎨] wait @dommy98 was kinda cooking about the whole “uses progressive language to suppress his sexuality” thing bc even now peerless cucumber is saying we should not call him gay bc he’s a ~feminist ~ but literally no one said anything about feminism 

[🏛] SEE??

[🎨] we aren't calling you gay because you're a feminist bro. We're valling you gay because you wrote an 18 paragraph post about Luo Binghe’s cock and the most horny thing you've ever said about a woman is “I want to know what Liu mingyan looks like under her veil”

[🥒] So just because I don't sexualize women, I'm gay. 

[🎨] YES. BECAUSE STRAIGHT MEN LIKE WOMEN SEXUALLY. 

[🎨] wait wtf was I first.. where is the copypasta guy

[🐳] HE IS NOT COPYPASTA GUY HE IS CUCUMBERLOVERALWAYS8 PUT SOME RESPECT ON HIS NAME!! but yeah fr where is he 

[💌] IM HERE FUCK i toook a nap . there goes my streak i’ve been the first comment for the last 7 months

[🎀] damn bro you really blew your chances … peerless cucumber said he’d have sex with you if you were the first comment just one more time

[💌] oh go fuck yourself 

[🥒] Deleting this account. 

As you can see I haven’t posted in a long time. I got married, started going out more, became healthier, etc. Just basically stopped being so online and fell in love with my husband and stuff. It was a pleasure ripping PIDW to shreds with you all, but I think it’s time for me to grow up. I don’t need this account anymore, so I’ll be deleting it soon. 

[💌] MARRIED?? WHAT THE FUCK I MISSED ONE POST. 

[🦷] HELPPP . You snooze you lose bozo 😪

[🐳] stay strong edate copypasta bro.. 

[💌] crying livestream in 5 minutes.

[🎲] NOOO MODERN DAY BURNING OF ALEXANDRIA

[🎮] fr can’t have shit in detroit

[🎀] youre in detroit??

[🎮] it’s a meme you idiot

[🎀] why the fuck would i know a meme about detroit you dumb bitch

[🎲] gee i wonder why peerless cucumber would want to be rid of these lovely people

[🍁] The very last post before this was how you’re not gay and you come back with a husband. I need to sit down

[🚀] This implies that pc either did a full 180 within a month OR he was dating a man the whole time and insisting he was straight during their courtship

[🎮] you just say ‘courtship’??? Someone come pick up your ye olde jester

[🚀] BITCH??

[🦷] @peerlesscucumber Why do you think you want to leave? Who told you to do that? You’re smarter than this, don’t make foolish decisions. You’ve been fine until now, so why are you suddenly acting up? If you really love me, if you EVER loved me, you’ll stay. You’re being so selfish. Do you want to hurt me like this? Just throw away everything we have? Come on, you’re deleting your entire account over a few jokes? Everyone else in the comments will agree you’re overreacting. What you’re doing is just crazy. The real problem isn’t your account, you’re being insecure and lashing out, okay? This is why you need us to tell you when you’re being stupid. How about you sleep on it and think it over some more and you’ll realize this isn’t a good idea.

[🎨] what villain arc did i just witness dawg

[🦷] i googled “things gaslighters say when being broken up with” and thought this would help

[🥒] It did not. Good effort, but my husband is a hundred times more manipulative so I’ve grown relatively immune. 

[🍁] @peerlesscucmber why did you say that like its a flex kjsafhdkfd

[👓] this is my Roman empire. 

[🎀] peerless cucumber deleting his account.. an omen of the end times fr

[💣] No fucking way peerless cucumber got a husband before we got gta 6

[🌶] screaming crying throwing up banging my head against a wall driving my car thru… [see more]

[🐳] hey i know everyone’s joking around rn but honestly thank you for providing us with so much entertainment over the years, whether willingly or not. We’re gonna miss you

[🦷] well yeah that goes without saying. hes the goat

[🎲] cucumber bro is literally the best thing about pidw 

[🎀] sometimes i just go through his account like the daily paper and smile and honestly i’m going to really miss that 

[🏛] don’t worry i’m gonna archive all his posts it’s just.. There’s a LOT so hopefully he’ll give us a few days

[🥒] …Do you all really care that much?

[👓] Dude your posts are like the best part of my day . inknow thats pathetic but whatever. 

[🥒] I never realized how many of you cared about this account. If you all mean it then, I guess deleting it isn’t really necessary…

[🎨] FR?

[🥒] Yeah.

[🎀] OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO CRY 

[🎲] DON’T SCARE US LIKE THAT BRO..

[🚀] i’m so emotionally exhausted after reading this post man my knees almost gave out from relief

[💣] is cucumberloveralways8 still crying on stream

[🎀] no one tell him this is so funny

[🥒] LAST POST HOLY SHIT

TO THE PERSON WHO CHANGED MY STATUS ON THE WIKI TO “MARRIED, HUSBAND: FICTIONAL.” SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU. 

[This account has been deleted.]

Chapter Text

[❤️🔥] My first post! I love my husband! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Hello everyone! This is my first account on the internet! I’m very excited to learn new recipes and cleaning tips here with everyone! If I have to think of a topic to write about, then obviously it would have to be how perfect my hubby is… ( ꈍ◡ꈍ)

I love my husband so much!! Shizun is the cutest in the world, and I want to be with him forever! I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life cooking for him and waking up in his arms…

[🦷] Do they make you tradwives in a lab or something? It’s like you’re programmed to talk about nothing but cooking

[❤️🔥] Tradwives? 

[🍥] women who think you’re ‘supposed’ to be submissive to your husband and do whatever he wants without having a life of your own

[❤️🔥] Then I suppose I am a ‘tradwife’ afterall! ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ ) From the moment I wake up, Shizun is the only thing on my mind… ♡

[🤖] throws up

[🤖] maam this is not the onlyfans promotion page, that’s down the hall to your left

[❤️🔥] What is that? (｡·  v  ·｡) ?

[🤖] …the forum for selling your sex tapes and shit? I mean people will eat your housewife act up, you’re just posting in the wrong place

[❤️🔥] ∑(O_O;) What!? Why would I ever do that! I’m completely loyal to only my husband! I mean, I guess I wouldn’t mind if Shizun was watching, but… (,,>﹏<,,)

[👻] this is actually incredible… I have never cringed this hard before in my entire life

[🍉] Did you say shizun 😭

[❤️🔥] Yes! Shizun takes such good care of this disciple. ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)

[🔮] huh xianxia nerd tradwife fetish thats a new one

[❤️🔥] What if Shizun doesn’t like having sex with me…?

Hello everyone, I’m looking for some advice… I’m worried my hubby doesn’t like having sex with me and just puts up with it because I want it. (っ- ‸ - ς) He never initiates, and I know it’s because he’s shy, but still, I can’t help but wonder…

[🔮] sweetie guys will fuck anything dont worry

[❤️🔥] But I have to worry if it’s painful! 

[🎭] ?? painful?

[❤️🔥] If it’s not too personal… (｡>﹏<) One is too big and the other is too small…

[🍥] Use lube

[❤️🔥] We use lots of lube. The only time it doesn’t hurt is when we use toys first, but Shizun says that takes too long. ( •̯́ ^ •̯̀)

[🍥] WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT HE THINKS?? HE CAN WAIT WTF

[🍉] oh this guy better not be real or i’m gonna find out where he lives

[🎭] It’s not his choice to make!!! Whether or not you want to use toys is completely up to you!!!! 

[❤️🔥] What!? (⸝⸝⸝O﹏ O⸝⸝⸝) I can’t force him to do something like that! He’s very shy when it comes to our marital duties, so I don’t want to push him…

[🍥] HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT.

[🍉] so you can’t force him, but he can force you?? 

[❤️🔥] But… It’s his body…

[🍉] No, it’s YOUR body!! It belongs to you!!!! 

[❤️🔥] Belongs to me!? You mean I should do whatever I want even if he dislikes it!? (ㆁ△ㆁ)

[👻] Literally yes

[❤️🔥] …okay! (⸝⸝⸝O﹏ O⸝⸝⸝) I’ll do it! I’ll let you know how it goes!

[👻] YEAH WOOH 

[🔮] guys there may be hope for her 

[❤️🔥] Update! My husband loved it! 

I brought it up with Shizun, and of course he said no at first… but then I told him it doesn’t matter what he thinks! ( • ̀ω•́ )✧I forced him to use toys just like you all recommended, and he acted all shy, but I could tell he really liked it! Thank you so much, jiejies! 

[🍥] Wait, you forced him? How does that work

[❤️🔥] He’s smaller than me so he’s very easy to hold down. ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

[🍥] Like.. you held him down, gave him the dildo, then told him to put it in?

[❤️🔥] No, I put it in. He’d be too shy to do something like that! 

[🧸] so.. What did you need him for?? 

[❤️🔥] I don’t understand what you mean… how would I put it in without him there? ( ╹ -╹)?

[🦷] I feel like I’m reading a really confusing fanfiction and trying to figure out the sex positions

[🎭] uh.. Well you’re taking charge at least, happy for you. 

[👁] @shizunsheavenlykitten you said he doesn’t initiate and he doesnt like pda … uhh

[🍥] shut up !! don’t say anything 

[❤️🔥] Yes, that’s right. Why? 

[🎭] No reason, no reason!! Ignore them, theyre dummies 

[❤️🔥] Okay! (✿◠ᴗ◠)

[🦷] oh how I wish i was this simple 

[🤖] The dangers of relying on a man. 

I often hear people bemoan the state of the economy if stay at home moms and housewives also have to work. But I just want to remind EVERYONE in this forum that it’s never a bad idea to have an income, no matter how small. Remember, at any moment your husband can come home and say he’s leaving you. If that happens, what will you do? 

[❤️🔥] Shizun told me this world only allows for one marriage per person? 

[🦷] ?? what

[🔮] @shizunsheavenlykitten Yeah one marriage at a time.. He can dump you any time he wants and get married a second time

[❤️🔥] What!? ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) That can’t be!

[🤖] It happened to my sister. She thought her husband was perfect, entire time he had a whole other family with a younger woman. He left her, but she’d been a housewife for so long, her resume was too bad for anyone to hire her. She’s struggling to stay afloat even with our help. 

[👻] that’s why it’s important to have a life and career outside of your husband. What would you do without him?

[❤️🔥] I don’t want to think of something like that! 

[👻] You’ll have to consider it. Everyone needs a plan B if their marriage doesn’t go well.

[❤️🔥] If I really, really have to… then I guess I’d have no chance but to forcibly make him forget me and start over. (｡•́︿•̀｡) Altering brains has so many side effects, though, so I’d like to avoid that. And then Shizun would forget our wonderful memories together! (⊃◜⌓◝⊂) Maybe I’d just drug him, and keep him too unaware to leave me for the rest of his life? If worse comes to worse I could maybe cut off his arms and legs (after he’s been anaesthetised, of course! I would never hurt him) so he has no choice but to rely on me to feed and bathe him! He wouldn't be able to talk to or touch anyone other than me… ( ๑ ˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و ♡ Ahh, it sounds so nice but then I remember Shizun wouldn’t be able to hug me without arms! (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥)

[🦷] okay I will admit i was not expecting that. 

[🤖] What the fuck did I just read

[🍥] chat am I hallucinating rn

[🎭] uh… hey @shizunsheavenlykitten did you uhm.. did you get hacked…

[🍉] my live reaction to this post: ugh i have to click “see more replies” so many times to see what everyones so freaked out about- HUH?

[🦷] not only a nerd tradwife, but a yandere nerd tradwife?? youre really going for the incel fantasy huh

[❤️🔥] What is incel? 

[👻] Short for involuntarily celibate. Basically losers who are too gross to ever be liked by women so they have insane fantasies to cope

[❤️🔥] I wish that was the case! ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა Shizun has too many admirers! 

[🦷] why am I feeling physically ill reading this thread

[👤] “Shizun would never leave me!!” and you’re talking about a dude who barely likes having sex with you lmao

[🦷] what the fuck asshole have some class

[🧸] @mods can you get rid of this dick

[Moderator has deleted reply.]

[🎭] Thanks mods 

[❤️🔥] Shizun has a thin face… That’s all… (ó﹏ò｡)

[🤖] ah shit she saw it already

[🐌] yeah last year i told this girl she couldnt post me bc im shy and whole time i was fucking like 4 other women lol

[🔮] dude.. Read the room

[🦷] Why would you tell on yourself like this lmao

[🐌] bc i have the snitch pass? I tell you what men are like and get away with being a double agent

[🦷] snail bro fr said: 

[❤️🔥 ] @cullenseffervescentsnail How dare you!? ( ｡ •̀ ᴖ •́ ｡)💢 Shizun is nothing like that! He is a kind, loving, honest, nurturing, gentle, motherly, caring man! He would never do something like that. 

[👻] …motherly?

[🦷] everywhere i look hes there.. freud..

[🩺] Someone called?

[🔮] @realsigmuundfreudz HAHA STOP WHO DID THIS

[👻] PLEASE

[🍉] @realsigmuundfreudz what is your diagnosis of @shizunsheavenlykitten

[🩺] I diagnose this bitch with female hysteria!!

[🦷] now this is the REAL tradwife experience 

[❤️🔥] Oh my god, shizun is going to leave me, isn’t he…? ｡°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°｡

[🤖] WE DIDN’T SAY THAT, we just said it’s something that HAPPENS and you should be prepared if it does!

[❤️🔥] Shizun is going to leave me…

[🏀] ..we may have fucked up

[🍥] I TOLD YOU NOT TO STIR THE POT!

[❤️🔥] I knew it… there’s no way someone like Shizun would want me… ૮(˶╥︿╥)ა No one has ever wanted me, and Shizun is so perfect. I should have known no Shizun could ever care about me. (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ ) I’m an unlovable monster…

[🍉] NOOOO SHIZUNSHEAVENLYKITTEN DON’T SAY THAT YOU’RE NOT A MONSTER!! I LOVE YOU!! YOU’RE PERFECT !!! 

[🧸] WHAT THE FUCK Y OU GUYS I LEFT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND YOU GAVE THE NERD YANDERE TRADWIFE DEPRESSION ??

[🔮] WE WERE JUST TRYING TO KEEP HER SAFE 

[🦷] i know this is either a fetish roleplay or troll account but still why do i feel so.. Bad?? Those stupid fucking cutesy text emojis are so cringe and i don’t know why they’re WORKING

[👻] Dude I’m literally holding back tears rn 

[🎭] stay strong @shizunsheavnelykitten !!! don’t listen to the haters!!

Shen Yuan entered the apartment to find his husband sobbing into the carpet, surrounded by photos of their honeymoon. “Shizun… why… shizun…” 

…he was not dealing with all this. Shen Yuan walked around the mess. “Happy for you, or sorry that happened-”

Ah, how foolish of him to think he could escape so easily! Luo Binghe pounced on him, sending them both tumbling onto the floor. “Shizun!” 

Shen Yuan groaned and looked up at the heavenly demon crying on top of him. Really, it was just ridiculous how pretty the protagonist could look even while crying. He reached up to Binghe’s face, wiping a tear away with his thumb. “What is it?” 

Binghe’s dark eyes practically had rivers streaming down his face. “Shizun, I’m sorry… I’ll be better… don’t leave me… please…” Binghe sobbed pathetically into Shen Yuan’s chest. Good thing Yuan had his cultivation. Binghe, have some consideration, you could have crushed his small body!

“I left for thirty minutes, is it really worth all this fuss over!” Shen Yuan cupped his husband’s cheek, bringing his crying face into view again. When he kissed away a tear, Luo Binghe’s crying grew louder. “Now tell shizun what this is all about.” 

Binghe sniffled. “The woman!”

“Which woman?”

“The younger woman!” 

Shen Yuan exhaled slowly. “And this younger woman is…?”

Binghe wailed, “the younger woman you’re leaving me for!” 

The answer was so unexpected, Shen Yuan was struck speechless. Luo Binghe took his silence as confirmation, and began blubbering out nonsense again. 

“Enough, enough! What the hell are you talking about!? Why would you even think…” 

That was when Shen Yuan saw it: Luo Binghe’s phone, with the browser open. On that horrible website that he’d once escaped. 

“Wahhh… wahhhhh, shizuuuun…!”

“Binghe… give me your phone.”

[❤️🔥] This is the husband. 

I can’t believe I have to type this, but this is ‘Shizun’. It seems my husband has spent the last several weeks discussing our relationship here. I was wondering why he’d been so much more emotional lately, and just found out about all this. It seems like there have been lots of misunderstandings. 

• He may not have a 9-5, but he is by no means financially dependent on me. He’s literally of royal blood, he could buy a country.
• I will not leave him for a younger woman. Seriously, what the hell?
• My husband is a 6’3” man and people regularly come up to us in public to ask about his workout regimen. I can’t ‘force’ him into anything. 
• He calls me Shizun because we met through a xianxia novel. I honestly need to bleach my eyes after seeing those Freud comments. He’s actually a lot older than me.

In short, in case it wasn’t obvious, he’s a very fragile and insecure person, so please don’t give him any more reasons to cry. I have no desire to abandon him, and honestly I don’t think I’d be able to even if I did. He’s equally gifted in both strength and mental instability. 

[🍥] SHIZUNSHEAVENLYKITTEN IS A MAN??

[🦷] HES A MAN WTF

[🎭] WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHK IS A MNABN

[🤖] HUH

[🍉] WHAT??

[🧸] ARE YOU FUCKING TELLING ME. SHIZUNSHEAVENLYKITTEN HAS BEEN A TALL BUFF DUDE THIS WHOLE TIME?

[🍥] I’m literally having a crisis over this.

[❤️🔥] Jiejies, you didn’t know? (๑•́ -•̀) Is that important?

[🎭] YES. IT’S IMPORTANT. 

[👻] guys im gonna be fr i do not have the mental energy to consider this rn . this revelation has been too shocking for me and I need to nap for 3 days before i say anything else on the subject. Goodnight.

[🧸] wise. I’m going to do the same

[🍉] Goodnight everyone

[🍥] yeah me too. Gn

[❤️🔥] ( •̯́ ^ •̯̀) What’s wrong? Where is everyone going? 

[🤖] @shizunsheavenlykitten goodnight. 

[DISCUSSION] Do you think shizunsheavenlykitten is a real person?

[🫀] hmm i think probably some social experiment about gender roles idk tho

[👓] There’s no way you guys think that’s an actual man.. Bait used to be believable. 

[🏀] I mean he’s still active. @shizunsheavenlykitten are you real?

[❤️🔥] Shizun says the same thing sometimes! ╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭ He says I’m fictional and I say we’re both real, just from different worlds! 

[🎀] huh?

[🏀] Most comprehensive and understandable shk post

[🥁] omg you know what this reminds me of?? All those essays about whether peerlesscucumber was real and he got so mad he deleted his account

[🎀] OMG A PEERLESS CUCUMBER LORE KNOWER FOUND IN THE WILD. 

[🦷] PEERLESSCUCUMBER X SHIZUNSHEAVENLYKITTEN CROSSOVER

[🤖] i never knew i needed this 

[🧸] now I want peerlesscucumber and shizunsheavenlykitten in one forum together so bad

[🦷] CAN YOU IMAGINE?? Trad malewife vs closeted male feminist whos gonna win

[👁] mortal enemies

[🍒] mortal enemies … to lovers?

[💣] STOP because the husband post literally said shk met his husband through a cultivation novel and in my head i immediately went omg.. Proud immortal demon way

[🐳] AND PC ALSO MARRIED A MAN..

[🫀] you people are actually insane. 

[👓] can we put “possibly married to shizunsheavenlykitten” on peerlesscucumber's wiki under the fan theories section 

[🎀] heavycum is now my favourite internet urban legend ship

[🤖] Please Don’t Call It That. 

[🎀] I SAID,, I FUXKING LOVE HEAVYCUM !! 

Chapter Text

[❤️🔥] I (227M) asked my shizun (23M) if he would marry my cock and he didn’t answer.

Looking for advice. My husband has always said my pillar is too big and that it makes sex uncomfortable… Yesterday I asked him if he would “marry my cock” and he didn’t respond. I’m heartbroken… I want to be perfect for shizun! (ಡ‸ಡ) Is there any way to permanently reduce the size? I've tried cutting it off but it keeps growing back. (｡╯︵╰｡) 

[🥂] normal people: hi how are you

[💎] NURSES HE GOT OUT AGAIN!

[🦷] shizunsheavenlykitten i can't keep defending you

[❤️🔥] I only need shizun to defend me… shizun loves me and protects this one no matter what…

[🦷] you're so right shizunsheavenlykitten I overstepped. I apologize profusely 

[❤️🔥] You shall be granted leniency. 

[🌶] this happened to my buddy Eric

[❤️🔥] Really? Does he also have regenerative abilities? Is Eric's partner satisfied with their marital duties?

[❤️🔥] Why does shizun insist on having friends when I’m so much better than them!? (」＞＜)」 

That ugly little rat stole shizun away again! (╬ Ò﹏Ó) I don’t understand why… there’s no way I’m less attractive than him! I can make better snacks than the restaurant they’re going to so why would shizun waste his time with someone else? ｡ﾟ･ (>﹏<) ･ﾟ｡ I want shizun to come home already… 

[👓] perhaps you can have an honest conversation about how you feel. I know I’d also feel uncomfortable if my wife left for hours to be alone with another man. On average, how long does he spend on these outings?

[❤️🔥] 18-23 minutes! Every single month! Sometimes more! ૮(˶ ╥﹏╥) ა

[👓] dude….  

[✈️] @shizunsheavenlykitten i follow you here :((

[💣] AIRPLANE SHOOTIJG TOWARDS THE SKY????

[🍭] @airplaneshootingtowardsthesky AIRPLANE BRO WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE???

[✈️] u can come pick up cucumber bro… he’s also saying your cooking is better than the restaurants

[🎀] @airplaneshootingtowardsthesky WAIT . WATI DID YOU SAY CUCUMBERBBRO

[❤️🔥] Really!? Shizun is waiting for me? (* °ヮ° *) I'll be right there! 

[🦷] did you say… peerlesscucumber is your shizun..?

[❤️🔥] Cucumber… That's what Luo Qing calls him. I don't really understand but shizun says he’s allowed to. 

[✈️] Lord Luo, putting someone's full name on the internet is referred to as doxxing… 

[Moderator has restricted this post.]

[🎈] shizunsheavenlykitten’s post review

As you’ve all surely seen, shk’s latest post has been archived by the site mods for breach of conduct. I'm kind of shaking from everything that's happened, but here's a summary for everyone who missed it:

• Heavycum is real 
• Shizunsheavenlykitten doxxed airplaneshootingtowardsthesky 
• Airplane and peerlesscucumber are friends irl
• Airplane referred to shk as “lord luo” 

I feel like i’m going crazy. It’s not april 1st right..? 

[👓] HEAVENLY KITTEN AS IN HEAVENLY DEMON??

[🤖] ITS ALL CONNECTED 

[⛸️] I don't go here can someone explain what's happening 

[🎃] this is supernatural turbo hell night for pidw readers

[⛸️] oh my God I'm praying for you all 

[🏈] i’m not gonna repeat airplanes real name but oh my god that bastard named his protagonist after himself are you fucking kidding me 

[🦝] WAIT I WANNA KNOW HIS NAME 

[🏈] this post will get archived if we comment, dm me 

[💎] okay but what does it MEAN?? This is the actual author of one of the internet's most infamous stallion novels. Is he running the shk account?? WAS HE RUNNING PEERLESSCUCUMBER? Has he been writing all his own hate comments??? DID HE WRITE ALL OF PIDW JUST FOR THIS?

[🎠] Here are my theories:

• peerlesscucumber is airplane’s way of venting to the world about his own artistic vision being thrown out and replaced with papapa
• airplane, cucumber, and shk are all multiple personalities belonging to one person
• I dont have any more my brain is already fried trying to make sense of all this

[🍄] wait wait if shizunsheavenlykitten is meant to be luo binghe then why is he so ooc? 

[🍄] more importantly.. Why does he call his husband shizun? Is Airplane trying to say lbh wanted to fuck shen qingqiu??

[❤️🔥] Don't you dare refer to that scumbag as my shizun. He never taught me anything except how cruel the world can be. My shizun is a kind and lovely man who sheltered me, completely different from that wretched Shen Qingqiu–to even speak of them in the same sentence disgusts me. 

[🍄] Are.. Are you Luo Binghe?

[❤️🔥] I recently learned that giving away someone's full name on the internet is a crime known as doxxing… If you are attempting to doxx this lord, you will feel the full extent of an emperor’s wrath. 

[🐌] I’m over this whole heavycum drama. 

Okay it was kind of funny when peerlesscucumber left and we didn’t have anything to laugh at, but now its getting sad. No, PC is not married to SHK come on guys. Get a hold of yourselves 

[🐌] Hello, I’d like to formally apologize for my post. Shizunsheavenlykitten and the venerable Peerlesscucumber are a love story handcrafted by the gods themselves. I should end my life for even daring to say something so blasphemous as what I posted, but the heavens understand I was merely an ignorant fool, so I may live and repent for the rest of my mortal life. Farewell. 

[This account has been deleted.]

[🍈] WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SNAIL BRO??

[🐟] It’s bizarre whenever someone says something bad about heavycum or peerlesscucumber they immediately delete their account after . I think luo binghe is hunting down anyone who badmouths his husband 

[🐟] Fuck it i’ll try to summon luo binghe. Everyone gets their account killed the second they say something bad about peerlesscucumber so here i go . shizun sucks lol

[🐟] Lmfao fuck someone knocked on my door right after I hit send I almost pissed myself 💀

[🍈] RIP BRO

[🐟] haha 

[🐟] theyre really going at it dude my neighbours gonna think i owe money to the wrong people or something 

[🐟] WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD

[🍈] BRO??

[🎉] YOU ALIVE DAWG??

[🐟] I am perfectly alright. There is nothing wrong. Except that I was completely wrong for daring to besmirch shizun’s good name for which i should be put down like i deserve but I will be spared because peerlesscucumber is as beautiful and loving as a god, even to lowly worms such as myself who will never deserve his mangnanimity. I have just kowtowd to mr cucumber wherever he may be. I hope he accepts my heartfelt plea. I will never speakjk my foolish mouth on this website again. 

[This account has been deleted.]

Ru Ah, up and coming news reporter, had the professionalism to keep her voice steady as she read the ridiculous segment. “Trending on the internet today: Heavycum.”

The men working the teleprompter shared amused looks from behind the camera, which she tried desperately to ignore. 

“Sounding scandalous by name, in truth, it is an abbreviation for the words ‘heavenly’ and ‘cucumber’, two online names that have skyrocketed on the trending pages of nearly all social media.” She sorted the papers in front of her, even though they were only props. “A phenomena reported by many: posting negatively about ‘heavycum’ may result in a man appearing at your door.”

Blurry captured footage played on the screen– a tall man with glowing eyes in a dark hanfu stabbing through the wooden door of an apartment building. 

“A hoax? The following commenter had this to say.” The woman cleared her throat before stiffly reciting, ‘“That is Luo Binghe. That is without a doubt the real Luo Binghe. That is not a cosplayer. That is Luo Binghe. What the eff.’” She smiled into the camera. “And now a word from our sponsors.”

[👁] HEAVYCUM ON THE NEWS. 

LINK

[🎲] So is that it then? Have we all just accepted that luo binghe is real and that he somehow became tradwife’d by peerlesscucumber? 

[🎀] i mean my theory is that im in a coma and this is some absurd plot my brain has come up with while im under but yeah .

[💣] son of a bitch peerlesscucumber actually did it.. He really materialized Luo binghe to fuck him

[💣] Hello Everyone Lovely People My Electronic friends on the internet. I would like to formally apologize to peerlesscucumber for using that derogatory phrase earlier. Peerlesscucumber is a wonderful person who deserves to only be spoken of with the loveliest of words and anyone who does not agree truly deserves to be put to death. I can only hope this lowly one did not offend someone as great as peerlesscucumber and wish for his forgiveness which I do not deserve. I will now be deleting my account as a fool such as myself clearly does not deserve to be present on the same internet as the amazing peerlesscucumber. I do not deserve to plead for my life after committing such a heinous act but peerlesscucumber is a truly merciful master who allowed this stupid one to live. Thank you venerable peerlesscucumber for sparing my pathetic life. 

[This account has been deleted.]

[🎀] yeah yeah this isnt new anymore 

[📁] Banned keywords.

Hello, everyone. Due to the large number of abnormal activity surrounding certain subjects, the following topics have been blacklisted:

• Proud Immortal Demon Way
• airplaneshootingtowardsthesky
• shizunsheavenlykitten
• peerlesscucumber
• Luo Binghe
• heavycum

Thank you for your understanding – your cooperation is necessary for our safety. 

[🌶] Literally 1984.

[🎀] GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO POST ABOUT H3@VYCVM OR GIVE ME DEATH!

[🦩] so you’re just gonna sweep all those accounts under the rug?? I’ve been mutuals with fish bro for years and he didnt leave any backups for us to follow or anything.. Im actually genuinely concerned 

[👁] guys don't you understand? This isn't about two internet urban legends anymore. It's bigger than this. They're covering things up. They don't want us to know that we were right about cvcvm3r br0 . They're trying to SILENCE US

[🦷] uh idk about all that lil bro

[☢️] NO LET HIM COOK

[👁] H3@VIKUM TRENDING #1 ON TWITTER KEEP IT UP!!

WE’VE LOST MANY OF OUR BROTHERS TO THE KEYWORD BANS, BUT WE HAVE PERSISITED. KEEP POSTING AND DON’T LET THEM SILENCE US. WE WILL FIND THE TRUTH. 

[🦷] ah fuck am i in a cult . I just wanted to laugh at cucumber bro with people 

[☀️] 211.96.116.229 Do you still want to finish that thought?

[🦷] okay see thats something a cult would do if a member asked if they were in a cult

[🤖] Touched some grass today. 

I went outside. I smelled the fresh scent of the summer breeze. I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin, like its rays were embracing me. As the wind blew through my hair, I felt that it carried away all my burdens. There were children playing in the park I passed, and their loud shrieks and laughter reminded me there is so much simplicity in the world. 

I remembered a moment from my childhood, when I was eight and bored and I would pull at grass because I had nothing better to do. I don’t know what came over me, but I leaned down and pulled on it like I was a little kid without internet again. The blades of grass were sticky and rough under my skin, but I felt a sense of calm I haven’t felt in years. 

What are we doing? Posting all day about two strangers who might not even exist. Who cares if Luo Binghe is real? Who cares if peerlesscucumber is real? We are the protagonists of our own stories, so why are we writing theories about other people? 

Let’s just… let’s just go outside guys. Let’s live our lives. 

[☢️] SHUT THE FUCK UP FED YOU CANT SILENCE US

[🤖] HOW AM I A FED FOR SAYING WE SHOULD TOUCH GRASS YOU PEOPLE HAVE GONE INSANE

[☀️] Blocked and reported. 

[🤖] ????

[🥨] you lost the second you challenged h3aveekum. 

[🤖] That’s it I’m actually done. Bye everyone.

[This account has been deleted.]

[📁] EVERYONE PLEASE. 

We hear you. Your feedback is important to us, and we would never try to censor what you have to say. 

However, we had no choice but to ban certain topics as their controversy has resulted in millions of posts. For the last 24 hours our servers have been under EXTREME duress. 

We ask you to please post more consciously during this crisis, for the sake of our website and community. 

Thank you. 

[🍭] VIVA LA REVOLUTION HΣAWYKUM

[☀️] it’s too late. you messed with the wrong people

[❓️]

[👁] H3@VYKUMMIES HOW ARE WE FEELING!???

This page isn't working.

HTTP ERROR 503. Service unavailable. 

Luo Binghe refreshed the browser over and over, irritated to find the same message. He wandered into the bedroom, where his husband was lounging by his computer. 

Binghe shoved the phone into his teacher’s hands. “Shizun, why can’t I go online?” 

“Oh, that.” Shen Yuan barely spared the screen a glance. “That happens sometimes when the number of requests is greater than what the website can handle. It’ll probably be back in a day or two.” 

Luo Binghe pouted at his phone. “Is there nothing I can do…”

Who knew what awful things were being said about shizun while he couldn’t access the site! How was he to defend Shen Yuan’s honour this way… what a terrible excuse for a husband he was…

Shizun’s cheeks were dusted a slight pink. He turned his head away haughtily. “Don’t act like it’s the end of the world, just because you can’t talk to your online fans for one day!” 

Huh? This defensive way shizun was holding himself, the bitter downturn of his lovely lips… could it be? “Is shizun jealous?” 

“As if!” Shen Yuan denied. “You can talk to anyone you want, I don’t care! Hmph!” 

Oh, shizun… He wanted all of Binghe’s attention, even if he was too shy to say so… Luo Binghe’s eyes stung with the influx of emotions overtaking him and he threw his arms around Shen Yuan. “Shizun, you’re the only one for me! I’ll never talk to anyone again, not even on the internet!”

Shizun struggled in his embrace. “Hey, I- I didn’t say to go that far!” 

Binghe tossed his phone aside, using his free hands to pick Shen Yuan up in his arms like a bride. “Don’t worry, shizun! I’ll never go on that website again!” 

Shen Yuan huffed one last time before hiding a smile into his husband’s shoulder. 

Thus, neither of them ever found out they’d been blacklisted all across the world wide web.