Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s been 2 years since we’ve won Vantage, since we’ve lived here together. The house up on the cliff, with just me and Jameson. I couldn’t be happier.
At least, that’s what I tell Libby over the phone.
“Oh, I’m so excited for tomorrow. I can’t believe me and Nash are finally getting married.” Libby says. “And you get to be here! We haven’t seen you in so long.”
“I’m so excited too, Libby,” I try to put as much excitement in my voice as I can. “Hey, I’m gonna go now. See you soon.”
We say our goodbyes and I hang up. The truth is, I am quite excited for her and Nash’s wedding. I’ve been looking forward to it forever. Im just terrified for someone to find out.
To find out I’ve been struggling.
I think Jameson knows, but he’s scared to say it. Every-time he brings it up, I shut him down, make excuses. No one can know.
I’m Avery Kylie Grambs. I have to be perfect.
I walk down the winding steps, making my back as straight as possible and my face as neutral as I can. I know Jameson will be down here, and I have to seem fine. For him.
I’m wearing my baggiest hoodie and as much makeup as I can throw on. My mask. The only things that can hide me.
“Heiress,” Jameson smiles at me. “I made lunch.”
“I’m not hungry right now.” I feel awful. He put all this effort and I won’t even eat it. Can’t.
“That’s okay,” He says. “I put it in the fridge.”
“I’m sorry.” I mumble.
“Don’t worry.” He hugs me and kisses the top of my head. “I’m going to pick for tomorrow.”
Once he’s upstairs I go over to a cabinet and reach to the back, pulling out my two hidden pill bottles. Jameson doesn’t know about these. He can’t.
I knock back down if my antidepressants and weight loss pills with just a bit of water. I look over at the fridge, and I feel so hungry.
But Avery Kylie Grambs can’t eat. She needs to be perfect. 3 calories and the magazines will pick up on it. 5 and the front page news is that I might be pregnant.
None and I’m starving, but none and I’m skinny.
I go up to pack too. To pack for my sisters wedding, but also to pack for more pretending to be fine.

Chapter Text

I lay on Jameson’s chest on the plane. He’s asleep, and I’m trying to sleep. Mostly I’m just hoping he can’t feel my ribs sticking out beneath the sweater. I don’t know what I’m going to do in the dress.
It’s weird, this happiness I feel. I haven’t felt it in awhile, expect for a few moments with Jameson. Otherwise, it’s despair.
It’s nice to be able to have your smile a little real again.
I close my eyes and go to sleep too. It’s the best I’ve slept in awhile.
When I wake up, we’ve landed in Texas. Libby and Nash decided there was nowhere else they wanted to have their wedding than the house where it all started.
Jameson has already woken up, and I lion up into his eyes. He smiles and pulls me up to get off the plane.
Luckily, when we walk off there’s no paparazzi and we make it to the car safely. All I can think as we sit in silence is I wish I was good enough for him.
I wish I was perfect for him.
When we make it into Hawthorne House, Libby immediately comes up to hug me. I hug her back, a real smile on my face.
I’m glad to be home. Really home.
“Avery!” Max runs to me too, and we hug tightly. “You look so different.” She tilts her head at me.
Please don’t notice the weight. Please don’t notice the weight.
“Yeah, well,” I put on the most joyful grin I could. “We haven’t seen each-other in so long, you’ve probably forgotten what I look like.”
She giggles and leads me farther into the house, Libby beside us and Jamie following behind.
We greet all the other members of the house, people who I haven’t seen so long. People who I hope don’t notice how not fine I am.
Libby walks us to our room before giving me one last hug and saying dinner will be ready soon. I try not to show how that sentence makes me sick to my stomach.
After we unpack some of our stuff and enough time has passed to start getting ready, Jamie starts going through his closet.
“What are you wearing, Heiress?”
“I’m not sure.” I look down at all the tight fitting dresses and hoodies in my bag. “I might just skip dinner tonight. I’m tired; jet lagged, you know?”
“Are you sure?” His eyebrows crease together. “You didn’t eat lunch either.”
“I ate when you were sleeping on the plane.”
He looks at me like he can see right through my lie, and I can almost see the words on the tip of his tongue, a look in his eyes.
I lock myself in the bathroom before I can hear anymore of his concerns. I’m not attention seeking for my problems right before Libby’s wedding.
They can’t know.
It’s only 7:00 when I stop scrolling in my phone and check the time again, but starving yourself makes you lightheaded and tired, so I’m in bed resting my eyes by the time Jameson gets back.
I hear as he changes out of his dinner clothes and climbs into bed with me, putting his strong arms around me.
I hear him whisper “I love you” into my hair and I forget all thoughts of food and let myself sink into the safe space of sleep and Jameson.

Chapter Text

I wake up to an empty stomach, warm bed, and lots of texts on my phone.
I almost curse when I see what they’re about. The paparazzi apparently was at the airplane hangar; hiding, and the headlines aren’t good.
Avery Kylie Grambs: Billionaire can’t afford food?
That one I thought was pretty bad, but the others don’t seem to be any better.
Avery Grambs: Many question severe weight loss.
Avery Kylie Grambs: Fans speculation on Eating Disorder.
Avery Grambs: Another Ozempic Abuser?
I feel my chest tighten and tears gather in my eyes. Slipping out of my still sleeping boyfriends arms, I head to the bathroom. To my scale.
68.5 pounds. Still not enough.
Too much to them now, but I know I’m still fat. I’m not good enough. I never will be.
I never will be perfect.
The tears come fast, falling onto the floor and the scale. I don’t know what my hands are doing when they reach out to search through the bathroom cabinets, or what they’re doing when my fingers grab razor blade.
I barely understand it when I bring the blade to my skin. All I know is I want pain.
And it feels nice. And I don’t think too much about the scale under me.
So I make a few more. Not deep, just enough to bleed quite a bit.
Then I clean them up and get dressed in my baggiest clothes before sneaking down to the kitchen. Luckily, no one is up this early expect me.
I take little bites of the healthiest granola bar I can find, eating it painfully, but shoving it down.
Then I drink as much water as I can and take more of my pills that I had snuck in my pocket.
Libby finds me there, but all she sees is me drinking some water.
“Excited?” I ask, trying to divert any questions.
“Of course,” She smiles and I know my distraction worked. “I can’t believe it’s already the rehearsal today.”
I smile too.
“Want me to make you some breakfast?”
“No thanks, Libs,” I say, a touch too quickly. “I just had some food.”
“Okay.” She waves goodbye as I head upstairs.
I stumble back to me and Jameson’s room, feeling lightheaded and dizzy. My phone gets more notifications that I promptly ignore. I don’t want to see anymore headlines.
The guilt hits me strong once I’ve climbed back into Jameson’s arms.
It doesn’t matter; now that I’ve eaten that granola bar, the headlines will be going right back to saying I’m pregnant, I’m fat.
I’m not perfect.
I want to throw up. But I stay there, and I try to breathe, and I focus on Jameson.
I ignore the smell of food coming from downstairs and try to get at least ten more minutes if previous sleep.
It’s one of the only times I can get away from my thoughts.

Chapter Text

This time, I wake up to an empty bed. Jameson must have already gone down for breakfast.
Tucking my phone into my pocket, I go to pull out my clothes for the rehearsal from my closet.
It’s the loosest dress I think would be allowed, green and flowy, but sleeveless.
They can’t find out. Especially not on Libby’s day.
I walk down to the backyard, where Xander and Nash are already setting up. Libby must still be inside getting ready.
“Avery!” Xander calls, turning around from the chair he was putting down. “I haven’t seen you since yesterday, you missed breakfast.”
“I was tired.” I walk towards him and Nash.
“Can you go check on Libby, Avery?” Nash comes over to us. “I wanna know what time we’re starting.”
“Sure.” I turn around and walk back into the house.
On my way upstairs, I run into Grayson. He’s in one of his usual suits and his blond hair is as bright as ever.
“Avery.” He greets. “How are you?”
“Good.”
He smiles slightly.
It’s at that moment my bracelet falls from my arm, and we both reach down to pick it up. Grayson reaches it first, but pauses with his hand clasped around it.
“Avery,” He says, confusion in his voice. “What are those cuts?”
I hide my breath of shock. I forgot to hide the cuts.
A string of curse words go through my mind.
“I got scratched.” Is the first thing I can come up with, and then I realize how dumb it sounds.
“Scratched?”
“Yes, by a dog.”
I can tell he doesn’t buy it, so I grab the bracelet and hurry off to find Libby before he can call me out.
He can’t know.
I find Libby and Max together, my sister putting on her makeup and my best friend helping.
“Ave!” Max exclaims, looking me up and down. “You look so different in your dress.”
“Did you loose some weight?” Libby turns around in her chair.
I shrug. I don’t know how to answer that question.
“Jeez, what kind of diet are you on? Seriously, diet culture is ruining everything. You’re like…bones now!”
I know she didn’t mean that comment rudely. I know she didn’t mean it. But it still feels weird.
But it feels good. I’m that skinny? Good.
“I had this one stomach bug where I was throwing up all the time a bit ago,” I really hope they don’t ask Jameson about that. “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
They finish getting ready and we head back outside for the rehearsal.
Libby looks stunning and Nash looks handsome as ever. All proceeds as normal, the practice ceremony going great. The only troubles I have is avoiding all the snacks on the tables.
When Max gets too pushy, I slowly eat the smallest thing I can find. I only have to swallow one nibble before Max looks away long enough for me to throw the rest away and spit it out.
I don’t know what I’m going to do at the rehearsal dinner.
Everyone is all laughter and smiles as we head over to the beautifully set up dining table.
Pretty silverware, beautiful porcelain plates, fancy glasses. And food.
So much food.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
My breathing speeds up, and I look around for a way out of this. What do I do? They can’t know.
I have to be perfect. I have to be perfect.
People are already pulling out their seats when my head starts to feel heavy and the world feels dizzy.
The last thing I see is my vision going black, the last thing I feel is the impact of the ground, and the last thing I hear is my friends and family at the table crying out.

Chapter Text

When I wake up, everything is still blurry and dulled. There’s a weird ringing in my ears.
My eyes open and all I can see is blurry shapes of people surrounding me. Once I become more aware, I realize I’m no longer on the ground but instead in Jameson’s arms.
“Avery! Avery!”
“Is she okay?”
“What happened?”
I can’t decipher whose voice is whose. Everything is still filled to me.
The world spins and slants and blurs once again, and the next time I wake up I’m in a bed in Hawthorne House. Libby, Nash, Jameson, Grayson, Xander, and Oren all surround me.
“Ave?” Libby says quietly. “How do you feel?”
“How long have I been out?” My head still feels heavy.
“A few minutes.”
“I’m okay.” I lie.
“We called a nurse to come in and check on you. She should be here soon.”
“No!” I exclaim, too quickly.
It’s too easy for a nurse to see I’m not fine. To check my weight.
“Should we reschedule the wedding?” Libby frets, “Avery might be sick or something.”
“No! It’s fine. Lib don’t do that for me, I’m sorry.” I already feel bad enough as it is. Why did this have to happen at Libby’s rehearsal?
“Are you sure you’re okay, Heiress?” Jameson says quietly beside me.
I nod.
Soon enough, the nurse arrives, and everyone files out of the room except Jameson and Libby.
She asks me questions, most of which I answer with lies. I hope no one can tell how fast my heart is beating, how scared I am.
“Have you eaten today?” The nurse has a soft voice, but I’m still terrified.
I nod in answer to her question.
“Any changes in weight you’ve noticed recently?”
I freeze, unsure how to answer that question.
“I have.” Jameson adds from the corner of the room. I inhale sharply.
No, no, no, no, no.
The nurse hums in response. Libby looks are me with a worried expression on her face.
Please don’t notice, is all I can think, please don’t notice. Don’t see I’m not perfect.
“Is there a scale nearby?” The nurse asks.
I think I’m sweating now. They’re going to find out. They’re going to know.
Libby goes to get a scale from the bathroom.
My body has gone in to fight for flight mode. Escape the judgement. Escape the “help”. Escape the truth.
I stand up.
“I’m fine. Let’s just go back to the rehearsal.”
“Avery-“ Jameson walks towards me.
The world spins and I promptly faint again before he can finish that sentence.

When I wake up once again, the nurse is gone. It’s only me, Jameson and Libby in the room still, but this time there’s a plate of food next to me.
“Avery,” Libby says. “Can you eat something? It will help with the passing out.”
I swallow loudly.
“At least drink some water.” She pleads.
“We’re concerned about you, Ave,” Jameson sits beside me on a chair, holding my hand.
I drink the water in big gulps, trying to drown my feelings and my weight and my imperfections.
“Do you have an eating disorder?” Libby’s voice is barely above a whisper.
Fear strikes through me like a knife. They can’t know. They just can’t.
“No. I just felt a bit sick today, that’s all.”
I don’t know if they believe it, but the only things I can do is hope that they will.
Libby leaves and tells me to rest, and that she’ll see me for breakfast tomorrow morning.
Jameson climbs into bed with me and I try to sleep, but I’m so scared.
I’m not perfect. But I thought it’d be a lot easier to make sure no one ever found out.

Chapter Text

The bed is too warm, the blankets too suffocating. I wake up at on Libby’s wedding day while Jamie is still asleep, and I feel sick again. Slowly walking into the bathroom, I sit down near the toilet and rest my head on my knees. God, I can’t stand this. They found out. What’s going to happen now? I can feel bile rising in my throat. That’s how anxious this makes me, that’s how scared I am. I turn and shove my fingers down my throat, forcing myself to throw up in the toilet. There. All gone. Every little tiny calorie from yesterday, they can’t get to me. Maybe I can do breakfast, then. Maybe I’ll just throw it up. They don’t have to know this. When we go down for the extravagant wedding breakfast, I try to ignore the stares of everyone around me. Do they all know? Everyone looks concerned, not just Jameson and Libby. Do they all know I’m not perfect? I stuff as much food in my mouth as I can without crying. This seems to make everyone happy, Libby cracking a smile. I’m trying to say that I am perfect. That I can eat normally. I think they believe it. We all go our separate ways to get ready for the wedding this afternoon. I feel too full, too fat. Why did I eat so much? When me and Jameson arrive back at our room, I’m greeted by makeup and hair teams, by my dress in a bag. We’re swept away into preparations for the extraordinary wedding that is sooner than ever. In all the makeup and hair curling and dress fitting I don’t have time to go into the bathroom and throw up all the disgusting calories. I really don’t want to go to the wedding like this, but when we’re hurried down to the venue, I realize I may not have a choice. I feel fat and ugly, even in my beautiful dress with my elaborate hairstyle and layers of makeup, I feel like the ugliest person on earth. Libby looks beautiful walking down the aisle, and I feel like nothing. I really hope the press that was allowed to be here don’t get too many pictures of me. I watch as they do their vows and my mind gets preoccupied by thoughts of me and Jameson doing this one day. I’m so happy my sister found this kind of love, that she’s able to be perfect. After the ceremony, in which I shed a few tears, we head to the party. The first dance is lovely and romantic, and afterwards it turns almost into a club. Music blasting, we all jump around together. There’s a smile on everyone’s face, even mine. I decide that it’s okay to have some alcohol. It’s not that many calories, and with any luck it will help me throw up. With my fourth drink in my hand, I find Libby sitting down at a table, on a break fro her dancing. “I’m so happy for you, Libs,” My words slur together a bit. “I’m so happy too!” Libby giggles, clearly as drunk as me. “I never dreamed we could have this life,” I say “I never thought I’d be rich enough to even get a new car.” “Now you’re rich enough to get like…500 million gazillon.” We both laugh. We continue to have a conversation that takes my mind off everything going on in my life, just me and my sister. “Avery,” Libby pauses. “I don’t want to spring this on you, but the nurse booked you in for a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.” “Oh.” My breath catches. I’m frozen for a moment in time. The doctor would find out i’m not perfect. But then I realize that freezing because I have a doctor’s appointment would show that I’m not perfect too. So I put on a fake smile and say that it’s fine, and the rest of the wedding I go back to dancing and singing and laughing, but this time it feels fake. Will they finally know for real tomorrow?

Chapter Text

We dance the night away at Libby’s wedding, and I laugh along with everyone else. The doctor’s appointment and everything else almost slip my mind completely. I feel truly joyful for a moment in time, here with everyone I love.
For a second, I feel like being skinny doesn’t matter.
After the wedding ends at a late hour, we all return to our rooms. I lock myself in the bathroom and wipe off my makeup just before the tears start falling.
The reality of the doctors appointment hits me like a train.
I stare at myself in the mirror and I don’t even feel real. My body looks too skinny and too fat at the same time. I don’t know what I look like anymore.
The crying turns into full on sobs that I pray Jameson can’t hear.
I feel so stupid and ugly and imperfect. I can’t believe I let this happen to myself.
Trying to find some way to calm myself, I search for the scale. If I’m at an okay weight, everything will be fine. As long as I’m skinny, right?
71.5 lbs the scale says.
“Fuck.” I whisper.
No, no, no, no, no, no, NO.
How did I let this happen?
I hide the scale again and search for something, anything else to distract me.
I’m fat! I’m ugly! My mind screams at me.
And they’re all going to know.
The razor blade catches my eye, and it’s like a moth to a flame when I reach for it. I’m not scared, I’m excited to bring it to my skin.
The cuts feel nice. All along my arm, my leg. I barely even pay attention to what I’m doing.
It just feels nice. It feels like I deserve it.
I spot the blood dripping onto the floor and stumble back, the reality of this situation hitting me. I drop to the ground in a small pool of blood.
“Avery?” Jameson knocks at the door. “Avery is everything okay?”
It takes me a second to find my voice. “Y-yeah I’m fine!”
“Are you sure?” His voice sounds more serious, lower when he says the second part. “Darling, you know you can tell me anything, right?”
“I-I know.” I murmur.
“I love you, Avery.” His voice breaks. “I just want to help you.”
The tears flow freely once again. “I know.” I sob.
“Avery, please. Just open the door, please.”
“I’m fine Jamie, I promise.” My voice sounds incredibly shaky. “I just need a moment. Go to bed, I’ll be there soon.” I promise, blood on my fingers and dripping down my limbs.
The other side of the door goes quiet.
I start trying my best to clean up. I grab tissues and try to wipe up blood, I wet tissues and put them over my self inflicted wounds. They don’t want to stop bleeding.
A few of them look like the type you’d get stitches for. But I don’t need stitches, I can’t get stitches, I can’t go to the doctor-
Fuck. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. Fuck fuck fuck.
My breathing comes in gasps, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve fucked myself up. I did this to myself.
Now they’ll find out I’m imperfect.
I hear the lock on the door being picked and the bathroom door slowly opens.
“Avery?” Jameson walks into the bathroom.

Chapter Text

He looks at me in horror.
“Jameson, it’s not-“ I stutter, “I-“
He seems frozen for a fleeting moment. He stares at me, at the blood on the floor, on my body, the blade still in my hand.
He walks toward me silently and I hide my face in my hands. Hot tears rush down from my eyes.
For a second, I just sit there. I start to think he’s left and cry harder.
I understand. Who would want to be with someone as broken as me? Who would want to deal with someone who does this to herself?
But then I feel a pair of arms wrap around me. Jameson sits, hugging me from behind.
He buries his face in my neck and holds me tight, even with blood getting on his suit.
I turn my head into him and continue to sob. I don’t know if either of us knows what to say.
We sit in complete silence except for the sound of my cries for what feels like hours.
I numbly register as Jameson stands up and starts cleaning my wounds, gently holding onto my wrist and bandaging it. He bandages my leg and wipes up the blood on the floor as I sit there uselessly.
I gain the strength to stumble to my feet and he holds me steady. He grabs the sides of my face in his hands and looks me in the eyes, deeply.
“Are you okay?”
I can’t respond. My mind and body weaker than they’ve ever been and I just want to shut down.
I shut my eyes tight and fall into his chest while it all goes black.

When I wake up, it’s light outside, I’m laying on Jameson, and my hands and legs are bandaged.
It takes me a second to remember what happened last night.
I sit up slowly and shut my eyes tight against the sun. Oh no.
I can’t believe what happened, what I’ve done to myself.
He definitely knows I’m not perfect now.
I want to hide. I want to cover myself. I want to run away and never come back. The shame is overwhelming.
Jameson shifts beside me and wakes up. I look at the ground, at the roof, at anywhere but him. I can’t bare to.
I feel him sit up behind me, and he wraps his arms around my waist and rests his head on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” I murmur.
“Don’t be sorry, Heiress.” He took a breath. “Im sorry. I feel like I’ve failed you. I didn’t show you how amazing you are, I made you feel like you have to do that to yourself.”
“I didn’t- I don’t,” I can’t believe that he thinks it’s his fault. “I don’t do it because of you, Jamie. It’s because of me. I’m not good enough for you, for anyone. I’m broken and imperfect. I’m sorry.”
He squeezes me tighter. “Don’t say that, Avery. It’s not true.”
“I’m sorry, Jameson. I’ve been lying to you. I’m not perfect and I’m not okay.”
He looks at me like he couldn’t love me more, despite all my flaws.
“I know, Heiress. But it’s going to be okay. We’re going to get you help. I’m going to help you. We’ll get through it.”
I start crying on his shoulder again. I really do believe him. But in the back of my mind, all I can think is What if I’m unfixable?