Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jim always thought the day the world ended.  It would be in a flurry of lights and sounds. That he wouldn’t feel so numb, so angry, so lost, so confused…

There were the lights and the sounds.

The screams…

Only they were coming from his own mouth. 

“Jim!  Jim!”

XXXXXXXXX

The beginning of the end started like any normal day.   

He reported to duty like every other day.  

He reviewed a million and one reports, signed off on equally as many forms and regulations, discussed their next mission with Spock, and spent the rest of the time watching the stars go whizzing by.

It was the life of a typical Starfleet captain.  It wasn’t what the promotional videos advertised, but it was life, and Jim Kirk wouldn’t trade it for the world.

At exactly 11:59, he handed the conn over to Spock.  

He headed for what was fast becoming one of his favorite places on the ship.  As he neared his destination, he could already hear the squeals of laughter and the voices belonging to some of the youngest members of his crew.

This was the Enterprise’s enrichment section.

It had taken many long days and nights and equally long and frustrating debates for this to come to pass.  But finally, finally Jim had won the uphill battle.  

There were now almost thirty young civilians living on board the Enterprise ranging from almost two to sixteen.

He smiled as he entered the classroom.  He was treated to many bright beaming faces and a collective “Hello Capt’n Kirk!” as the children lined up for lunch.

He nodded in turn to each child as they followed one of their care takers, a quarter Betazed woman, out the room.

His smile dropped when the familiar ball of energy and warmth didn't bombard him, nor was he treated to the familiar squeal of ‘Daddy!’

“Capt’n,” the other caretaker stepped forward.

“Crewman Dex,” Jim responded.  “Where’s…”

“She’s in the back.”

Jim furrowed his brow.  The back was where the sleeping quarters were.  They were mainly used for midday naps for the younger children.

“Did she not sleep well last night?”

Jim shook his head.  In fact, last night had been surprisingly easy now that he thought about it.  Jo hadn’t woken up once like she was accustomed to doing lately.  

Dex nodded.  Jim noted the perplexed look on his face as he guided Jim to the adjoining sleeping area.  He easily found Jo’s sleeping form in one of the cribs.  

They were still working on transitioning her to a bed.

He stepped forward.  She had a loose blanket drawn over her tummy.  She was clutching her stuffed sehlat, a gift from Spock, tightly to her chest.  He was half minded to let her sleep.

“She’s been sleeping for three hours now.”  Dex commented.

The sensible side of him knew he probably shouldn’t.  She needed food, and it seemed from Dex’s account she had missed her mid morning snack.

“Jo, Jo-bear, come on, wake up for Daddy,” he gently rubbed her cheeks.  

Her sapphire blue eyes fluttered open.  She let out a large yawn.  She dropped her sehlat and rubbed her eyes for a few moments before a large smile appeared on her face.  “Daddy!” She squealed, not as loudly as normal, but with as much glee as usual.  She threw up her hands.  “Up!”

Jim laughed.  

He gently picked her up and set her against his hip.

“You sleep well Ms Joanna?”  Dex asked.

Jo beamed and nodded her head before pressing it against Jim’s chest.  “Sweepy, Daddy,” she muttered.  She nuzzled against his command gold shirt, something she often did when she wanted to be comforted.

“You’re such a little sleepy head, Jo-bug,” Jim chuckled.  He raised her to his face and gently rubbed noses with her.

Jo giggled happily.  “Daddy!”

Jim smiled as he handed her, her stuffed animal.  She grabbed it before setting her head against his shoulder.  He gently rubbed her back.  “Let’s get some food, then how about you spend the rest of the day with Daddy on the bridge?  Hmm?”

It seemed the word bridge was enough to perk up her attention. “Bwidge!”

He didn’t take Jo to the bridge as often anymore.  They thought it was better for her development to spend her day playing and interacting with children closer to her own age then on the bridge or in sick bay where everyone had to work.  

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow, Capt’n, Ms. Joanna,” Dex nodded at him and waved to Jo who returned it before disappearing out the door.  

Jim followed moments later. He took her to officers’ mess hall.  By then she had dozed off against his shoulder.  

He shook his head.  

He set her down in a high chair with Uhura, who gave him a questionable look.  It seemed Uhura also noted it was a little strange. 

He mentally wondered if he should take her down to sick bay, but cleared that thought just as quickly.

Do parents take their kids to sick bay for sleeping too much?

He collected his lunch and one for Jo for later.  

He wished Bones wasn’t currently stuck in surgery.  He was better at these kinds of things than he was.  At the end, he decided he would take Jo to sick bay if she stayed like this throughout shift.  With that decision made, he dug into his lunch.

XXXXXXXXX

An hour into shift, Jim was starting to regret his decisions.  Almost two-year-old Jo was much heavier than a few months old Jo.  She was still out like a light, and it was making his legs fall asleep.

Luckily, not even ten minutes had past before she did wake up. “Jwice Daddy?”  

“Of course.”  

He knew he could comm one of his yeoman to fetch a sippy cup for him, but his legs really needed a good stretch.   He set Jo on the ground.  “Staw!”  She exclaimed excitedly, clapping her little hands together.  

Jim smiled. “Yes Jo-bear, stars.”  He picked up her lunch, handed the conn over to Spock before leading Jo to his ready room.  

They had set up a small section in the ready room for her.  Jim rarely used it these days, but they still kept it for a ‘just in case’ scenario.  He vaguely entertained the idea of in the future maybe his own bridge crew would use the area… or maybe even a little brother or sister for Jo.

“Daddy, jwice!”  Jo tugged on his pant leg taking him out of his thoughts.  Thoughts of Jo playing with a little brother with Bones’ eyes and hair.

“Yes, yes,” Jim led her to the food synthesizer.  He boosted her up, so she could see the choices.  Even though she couldn’t read, she was familiar with the order of the drink selection.  These days they let her decide what she wanted to drink.  She pointed at the apple juice. Jim nodded and set her sippy cup under the machine.  He made sure to fill a portion of the cup with water before filling the rest with apple juice.

Bones and his “juice will rot her teeth” argument...

Jim rather not be on the other side of Bones’ wrath when it came to Jo and her health.  He let Bones take care of that.  

He handed the cup to her.

“Twanky!”

“You’re welcome.”  

He smiled as he watched Jo gulp down her juice.  

“Want some lunch?” Jim shook the small bag in his hand.

“Getti?”  Jo asked.

She could say many things already.  She wasn’t good with some of the more trickier sounding letters, but she could pronounce most of her other words enough for them to understand what she wanted.  Even Uhura was impressed. Most kids Jo’s age could only say twenty some words, but not Jo.

According to Chekov, “she got to have a good wocabulary to be keptin”.  Chekov was the frontrunner in insisting Jo was going to be a captain someday.  It made Jim’s heart surge thinking about it, but he equally knew he wouldn’t mind if Jo picked a different path in Starfleet or decided to do something else entirely.

“Yes.”

“Yay!”  

Jim led her to her high chair and gently sit her into it before pulling out her lunch.  It was a little mushy but still warm.  

He smiled as he watched her eat.  Like everything else she did, it was with gusto.  He didn't have the heart to tell her to be more careful.  That would come with age.

His ready room door slid open a while later.

He didn’t even have to turn his head to see who it was.  He was a bit regretful that he didn’t grab Jo’s hand in time though.  A big blob of spaghetti and sauce landed on his shirt as Jo flung up her hands excitedly.  “Papa!  Papa!”  

“Hi baby girl.”  Bones stepped forward and was rewarded with a spaghetti sauce imprinted kiss.  

Jim laughed.

“Spaghetti?”  Bones asked before capturing Jim’s lips with a kiss.  Even after all these years it still made the butterflies in his stomach soar.

His pants suddenly felt ridiculously tight.  

As Bones pulled away, there was a smirk on his face.

Bones was an evil man sometimes.

He settled down on the couch next to Jim and pulled out his own lunch: a lightly grilled turkey sandwich on wheat bread and a side of salad.

It was then Jim remembered that Bones had been in surgery for most of the morning.

“How it go?”

Bones looked up from his sandwich.  “By the book surgery, he’ll be ready to go back on light duty by the end of the week.”

“That’s good.” Jim nodded before stealing a tomato off of Bones’ salad.  He still didn’t like salad, but he was okay with tomatoes.  Bones rolled his eyes; however, he still pushed another tomato closer to Jim.  Bones took small victories when it came to Jim and vegetables and fruits.

“So why is Jo eating her lunch so late?”

“She was a little sleepy head today.  Weren’t you sweetie?”  Jim asked.  He tickled her sauce covered belly.  Jo giggled.  She waved her spoon and kicked her feet excitedly.  “Daddy!”

“You’re incorrigible,” Bones muttered.  

“And you love me for it.”

“Yeah I do,” Bones replied fondly. “God knows why.”

“Cause I’m awesome.  Right Jo?”

Jo squealed excitedly, and Jim, Jim took that as a ‘yes’.  

“You two are both a mess,” Bones shook his head.

Jim looked down at his shirt.  The blob of spaghetti sauce was starting to harden against his shirt.  Jo was a mess.  Her face and shirt were completely smeared with spaghetti sauce.

“Luckily, I got you off duty early.”

“Huh?” Jim whipped his head around.

Bones had a grin on his face.  “You’ve been working too hard.”  Bones tapped him gently on his leg before resting his hand on his leg.  “Uhura and Spock agreed to watch Jo for the night, so…”

“Yeah?”  Jim answered back excitedly.

Because no matter how much he loved Jo, she was the prime culprit in draining away most of the romantic side of their personal lives.  However, Jim was resourceful.  He found a way to keep his marital vows, it just required a lot of quick thinking and planning.  Gone were the days when they could be slow and passionate.  Now they had to be wary of little eyes and ears in addition to big eyes and ears.

Bones collected his plate and Jo’s, recycled them before picking her up.  Jo snuggled against Bones’ chest, while with his other hand he wrapped it around Jim’s waist.  Together they walked out of the ready room.

Jim knew his crew well enough to recognize the knowing look on Uhura’s face.  He definitely owed her one.

XXXXXXXXX

“Daddy!”  Jo squealed.  She slapped at the water excitedly.

Jim laughed.  “I’m going to get you!”  He reached into the tub.

Jo squealed out as Jim grabbed her, earning him a soapy kiss.

He heard Bones’ laughter in the background.  

“Papa!” Jo giggled.

“You two are incorrigible,” Bones muttered, but Jim could detect the fondness in Bones’ words.  He stepped into the bathroom with two fluffy towels in his hands.  He dropped one on Jim’s head.

“Hey!”  

Bones gave him the look.  One Jim wasn’t proud to admit but always killed any of his counter statements.  He pulled the towel off his head and watched bemusedly as Bones wrestled Jo out the tub.  She giggled as Bones wrapped her into a cocoon and brought her to his chest.  “Papa!”

Jim stood up.  A groan left his lips.

“Getting old?”  Bones teased.

“Not as old as you,” Jim retorted.  He stuck out his tongue.

“Infant,” Bones muttered under his breath.  

XXXXXXXXX

They ate a light dinner on the observation deck after dropping Jo off with Uhura and Spock.  Uhura’s knowing look was back on her face even as Bones was reminding Jo to behave.  

Jim would take it if it meant having a night with Bones.

Now, satiated with food and love, Jim pulled Bones hastily back to their quarters.  With a dance they are perfected over the years and months, they maneuvered around Jo’s toys that were spread over the floor, the furniture and knickknacks they had procured over the years.

They landed on the bed.  

Bones’ hands, talent and steady like all those years ago when they first started this journey that lead them to Jim and Bones, sent shivers through Jim’s body as they ignited those embers in the depths of Jim's stomach.  Embers that only Bones had been able to start.  

Bones who loved him, who he loved to the stars and back.  

“Bones,” he mumbled, gasping as he felt Bones enter him.  His deep measured thrusts, so painfully slow and warm…

“Let me see those pretty blue eyes darlin’,” Bones whispered, his voice thick with his Georgian accent.  

He hadn’t even realized he had closed his eyes. As he opened them, he was greeted by a miasma of greens, golds and browns that were Bones’ eyes.   Eyes that told a story of the Earth they had left behind.  A story of love that took Jim’s breath away.  

“I got you Jimmy,” Bones whispered.

Jim moaned as Bones rolled his hips.   

God it had been so long.   

Too long.

“Come for me, darlin’” Bones whispered.  He leaned down and gently captured Jim’s lips with his own.  Jim could still taste the faint trace of the bourbon and pecan pie they had shared for dessert.

Jim let out a moan.  

On the brink of cumming, his comm unit went off.  The roar was almost deafening in that quiet room that was only Jim and Bones.  Bones froze at the exact same moment.

A small ‘damn’ left his lips.

He knew Bones shared his sentiments as Jim reached for his communicator.  He flipped it open.

Whatever it was, it better be important.

“Kirk here.”

“Jim,” Spock’s voice filtered through the communicator.  Jim looked up at Bones.  He saw the wave of dread crash through Bones.  Spock almost never called him Jim.

“It’s Joanna.”

He didn’t comprehend the rest of Spock’s words, just bits and pieces.  His brain had already gone into overdrive.  

Sick bay...

It's bad...

They never dressed faster than that moment.  Thoughts of their romantic night disappeared as they headed to sick bay.  They made sure not to run as much as they wanted to.

Jim never felt more helpless, more numb as one of Bones’ orderlies directed him to where Jo was. He collapsed into a chair with Uhura as his anchor.

XXXXXXXXX

Was this what eternally felt like?

If so, Jim was sure he didn't like it.

It felt longer than when Bones went missing on an away mission.  Longer than when his fate in Starfleet was being decided on all those years ago.  

His entire body felt numb when he was lead into the back.  Bones was standing by the biobed, facing away from him.  

It felt all the worse.

“Bones?”  Jim whispered.  His voice was so quiet that he was surprised Bones heard it.

When he turned around, he looked so tired and worried.  Jim wasn’t sure he had ever looked like that.. .

Bones looked like he had aged hundred and one years in …

God…

Jim didn’t even know how long it had been.

Bones looked away and down… down at their baby girl.

She wasn’t even two yet.  She looked so tiny, so vulnerable in the gigantic biobed with all the machines whirling away.  

Bones or maybe one of his orderlies had stripped her down to only her diaper.  There was deep dark and angry red marks all over her body, marks that hadn’t been there hours ago.  It felt like a lifetime ago when they were all laughing.

Worst of all, she was so still.  Jim wasn’t sure he had ever seen his baby girl so still before.  She was always so energetic, happy, full of life.  It tore his heart apart.

He wanted to hold her, cuddle her to his chest.

Jim drew a deep breath.  “Bones, what is it?”  

“I don’t know, Jim.”

And that… that started it.

The day the world ended for Jim Kirk.

Chapter Text

He didn’t know.

He wondered if it was the first time he said those words to Jim.

Jim’s face crumpled for a millisecond, but that millisecond was enough for Leonard.

Jim’s life had been marred by death.

It was what had made Jim Kirk the man he was, cautious and hesitant.  He held people at an arm’s length.  He was afraid to love, afraid to get hurt again. 

No…

He wasn’t going to think like that.

He stepped forward and wrapped Jim into his arms.  He felt Jim shudder and tremble in his arms.  He clenched to Leonard like he was his lifeline.  Like Leonard was the only thing keeping him afloat, and at that moment, Leonard realized it was because of Jim that he too hadn’t sunk. 

“I'm going to figure it out Jim.  God, I swear I’ll figure it out.”  

XXXXXXXXX

The doctor’s code dissuaded Leonard from treating his kin.  However, Leonard like Jim was never a by the book type of person. 

He had treated Jim for years before they got married. He knew Jim’s insides and outsides better than he suspected anyone in the universe.

Nobody on the ship or in Starfleet batted an eye when Leonard was the one who treated Jim after an away mission went awry.  The end goal was just to make sure Jim pulled through, and everyone knew Leonard McCoy was the best at that.

He had fought death and won to bring Jim back all those years ago.

As for Jo, luckily since her birth she had been basically healthy.  The sickest she had been was a sore tummy or a few sniffles, Basically, easily treatable things that nobody thought to comment on.

However now…

It had been two hours since Spock made that comm.

Two hours since it all started.

Two hours since Leonard had been staring down at Jo’s test results.  An hour since he drew her first sample of blood…

He had watched as the bright red fluid flowed out of his baby’s tiny body.  The lump on his throat thickened when her K3 indicator spiked.  

She didn’t wake up.  She didn't cry out.

It was then Leonard finally admitted to himself that she had fallen unconscious…

Into a coma.

He saw the horror in Jim’s eyes.

A thousand and one thoughts raced through Leonard’s mind.

Jo…

Jo…

However there was another part of him.

The CMO part of him…

The part of him that wasn’t a father or a husband…

That part…

Is it contagious?

How does it spread?

How did Jo catch it?

They hadn’t been off the ship in a long time, and if so Leonard made sure the embarkation and disembarkation procedures were up to Federation and his own standards.

They had decided against notifying the crew yet.  Only Leonard, Jim, Spock, Uhura and the orderlies on duty when Spock and Uhura brought her in knew.

They decided it was the best because it was Jo.  She was adored so much by Jim’s crew, and right now there wasn’t anything they could do.

They would notify the crew on a need to know basis.

However not even a hour into alpha shift the bough broke.

“Bridge to medical, it’s Chekov.”

And Chekov was just the beginning.

Leonard watched as the biobeds started to fill up.  He watched as each and every crew member and civilian fell into a coma.

People he had served with.

People he laughed with.

People he ate and relaxed with.

People he shared lives with.

When the twentieth crewmember was brought in, Leonard wondered if he should enact one of his rights as CMO.  It was a right he was entitled with, one he never thought he would have to use.

Instead he pressed down the ship intercom button on his console.

“McCoy to Kirk.”

“Jim here.”  Jim sounded so tired.  He had agreed to go on shift.  There was nothing he could do here.  At least on the bridge, he could quell any fires.

“I need to call a senior staff meeting.”

“Okay Bones, give me five.”

XXXXXXXXX

Scotty, Spock and Jim were already waiting for him when he arrived.  From Scotty’s face, Leonard could tell he knew.

Of course he knew…

Or suspected…

Two members of engineering had been brought in.

Leonard slipped into his chair.

“What is it Bones?”

“I need to put the sick into quarantine.”

I need to put the ship into quarantine.

The words he didn’t say.

They didn’t have a cure.  Hell, they didn’t even know what the source was, or what it even was.  

Everything in the medical database had come back negative.

And if… no when… Leonard found the cure, and it turned out they didn’t have the ingredients to make it.  That would mean Leonard would have doomed them all.

“Doctor, are you implying we place the ship on quarantine?”  Spock questioned.

He saw Jim and Scotty’s eyes widen.  He saw how fast Jim’s eyes twirled from him to Spock and back.  

God damnit…

They were all so emotionally compromised.

“Bones?”

“I’m not saying that…”

Yet…

No, maybe he was just being too cautious.

They didn’t even know if it was contagious.  The people currently sick, they hadn’t all been in contact with each other, and most people on the ship weren’t sick yet.

“We need to make an announcement.  We’ll talk to the ones closest to the crew who are sick, get a list of early symptoms.  That way we can isolate the sick early…”

Hopefully that will prevent the outbreak.

He was going to give them a fighting chance damnit.

Maybe this would cost him his commission if Starfleet found out, but…

Damnit…

His job was to save lives.

He wasn’t going to doom them all.

Doom Jim…

Doom Jo...

“Okay Bones.”  

And maybe Leonard should have been leery of how quickly they all agreed.

XXXXXXXXX

Leonard pulled back.  His tricorder was still whirring and humming, downloading a thousand and one results into his PADD.  

He looked up.  Jim was standing on the other side of the partition.  

For a moment Leonard didn’t move.

Not even a day…  

Not even a day…

He knew he had to tell Jim.  It was his duty as CMO.  He pulled back.  He left the blanket down though it wasn’t standard practice.  He would give Jim hope even if it was ephemeral.

He stepped out of the room and into detox.  He waited as the beams killed anything buried into his suit.  He waited a millisecond longer before pulling off his suit.  He changed into his clean scrubs before stepping out. 

Jim was by his side seconds later.

There was a look on his face.

A look Leonard wanted to keep forever but knew he couldn’t.

“Bones?”

“He’s dead Jim.”

He felt the breath leave Jim.  His shoulders stump forward.

Their first and Leonard doubted their last.

“Fuck.”

The words they didn’t speak.

The room down the corner…

The one they past coming here…

The one they would pass now.

“Let’s go get something to eat, Jim.”

Jim looked up as if Leonard had spoken the greatest offense in the world.

“We can't get sick Jim.  We don’t even know what it is.”

Jim closed his mouth but nodded.

However they both stopped at the window containing Jo and the ten other little children.  They had placed them all in the same room.  

Jo’s tiny little body…

The beeping of the biobeds…

The sines and cosines…

The little bumps and beeps… 

They drew on that.

Leonard turned away.  He pressed a hand against the dip in Jim’s back before leading them both to the closest mess hall.

It was quiet and subdued.  The listlessness of it all…

There were only a handful of crew members in the mess hall.  

They were technically operating on a skeleton crew, the bare minimum necessary to keep the Enterprise functional.

They had stopped with duty roosters after Jim’s announcement.  However most still went to their shifts, Leonard recognized the signs. They used their work and duties as a distraction, as a way to pretend even for a moment that everything was okay.

He pushed Jim into an empty chair before going to collect their food.  As he went through that line, the hunger seemed to have left him.  He ended up ordering two bowls of chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches…

Comfort food…

He nodded appreciatively at chef as the man passed him the bowls.

The same food he had chosen after the Battle of Vulcan.  So long ago, when he and Jim were still confused and new about what they were.

He couldn’t even think of them as simpler times since they really weren’t.

He set the tray down in front of Jim.  

Jim looked at him as he passed him the soup.

The soup was warm.  The cheese melted down his throat.

However it made Leonard’s heart heavy.  He felt like he was eating lead weights.

He knew Jim wasn’t faring any better.

His communicator beeped when he was halfway through his food.  He saw Jim’s eyes widen.  He felt a deep collective intake of air in the room.

It felt like a thousand and one years had past as he flipped open that communicator.  “McCoy here.”

“Leonard, it’s Jo.”

XXXXXXXXX

Five…

He lost five today.

That would bring the total to fifteen.  Fifteen people, five children and ten crewmen.  Fifteen people Jim would have to tell their parents, their siblings, their lovers that Leonard had lost.

And then there was Jo.

She was youngest.

He had almost lost her twice already.

She was a mass of tubes, and wires and machines now.  She looked so tiny, so fragile.  Leonard wasn’t even sure she had even looked so tiny the day she was born… In that cave on that planet with the blood and war and destruction.

“Leonard, you should rest.”  

He pretended he didn't hear.

He couldn’t rest.

It was his job to find the formula just like how it was Jim’s and the crew’s job to get them the ingredients whenever he finally cracked it.

He didn’t have time to rest.

“Leonard,” she said again. “Leonard, don’t make me hypo you.”

He knew she wasn’t joking.

“Leonard, you aren’t going to do anyone any good if you get sick too.”

That was the problem.  He wasn’t any good.  If he was good, he wouldn’t have lost so many already.

It has only been three days.

Three days…

Five a day…

“Leonard.”  She set her hand on his shoulder.  Leonard flinched.  He whipped his head around.  

“Damnit, I can’t!  I can’t let them die.  I can’t let her die.”

And the tears…

The tears that he had been holding back poured.

In the background he heard a biobed go off.

Chapter Text

120 hours…

7200 minutes…

432000 seconds…

Jim knew because he had counted them all…

The longest night of his life…

Longer than the night Jo was born, and that the time… he was sure no night could be longer than the night he saw Bones in so much pain.

The maps…

The stars…

The numbers…

The letters…

They were all starting to blur together.

But he couldn’t stop…

Because somewhere…

Somewhere in this sea of numbers, letters and maps was what they needed.

He just had to find it…

Bones had cracked it on the 100th hour.

Jim remembered that moment.  He clung to that moment like a lifeline.  It was the only moment of hope through all of this.

The fragile glimmer of a candle that could easily be blown out.

He remembered the comm.

He had been at the helm.  It was only place on the ship he felt like he could do anything useful at the time.  He wasn’t good at the life science and research like Spock or Bones or their large team of volunteers.  

Anyone and everyone that scored high on the sciences had volunteered.  That meant Sulu, Sulu with his side focus in botanology had been one of the first to volunteer.

Chekov’s sickness have affected him.

Jim had found him on the observation deck.

“I can’t sleep without him,” Sulu had confided.  Sulu and Chekov’s relationship was still new and young, a budding, slow and new relationship.  They reminded Jim of himself and Bones, so long ago.  When they too had been cautious and shy and hesitant despite being friends for long beforehand...

Jim nodded his head.  He understood.  He slept better with Bones.  

It was Jim who suggested Sulu volunteer his services.

“But the ship, sir?” Sulu had countered.

“I scored pretty high on my piloting license too,” Jim responded.  A small flicker of light appeared in his eyes.

“You sure, captain?”

“Yeah,” Jim nodded.  

So he was momentarily surprised when Sulu was with Bones and Spock when he met them for the news.  It was a sight he wasn’t used to seeing.

“We found it.”

Jim let out a sigh of relief.

The words he had been hoping for.

Jim barely understood the explanation, nucleotides, cellular membranes, mutation…

This wasn’t his strong hold.  He had never been good in this area.  He could do physics and tactics and mathematics, but biology was like a different language to him… Harder than Klingon which he was starting to pick up.

However even as Bones and Spock explained the theory that he only half understood, he could tell there was a catch.

It came at the end.

“We need this…”  Bones slid the PADD across to him.  

Jim drew a deep breath as he read the ingredients.

The momentary excitement quickly drained away.  This was the catch.  He looked from Sulu, to Spock and finally to Bones.  They all knew just how impossible it would be.

They were literally looking for a needle in a haystack.  The needle was the ingredients, and the haystack was the universe.

He looked at Sulu.  

The young helmsman, who wasn’t so young anyone.  None of them were so young anymore.

“These are the parameters, the conditions we need to meet for the most likely places we are to find it.”  He handed Jim a PADD.

This he could do.  

“Let’s get to work, gentlemen,” Jim responded briskly.  His mind was already spinning around warp factors, percentage of the universe they could feasibly cover, and all the star charts buried in the Enterprise' computers

He watched as Spock and Sulu left them… him and Bones.

They had barely seen each other since that hour in the mess hall.

“Bones,” Jim crumpled into his arms.

Now, away from his crew where he had to be strong, his facade fell.

Bones’ grip was strong.

“Jim…” 

Now wasn’t the time for celebration.  Now wasn’t time for much of anything.

They had a cure, another step… But they still had a long way to go.

But now…

At this moment, Jim… Jim needed this…

Later he would ask how it happened.  Later he would ask where they came up with this cure, but for now Jim would find Bones’ missing ingredient.

He felt that familiar sensation, the one he had been feeling since the 80th hour raise up into his chest.

He reached for his mug…

And was instead met by a hand.

He looked up.

“Spock?!”

How long had Spock been here?  

How long had been watching him?   

Why wasn’t he studying his own maps and console readouts?  

Why had he left his computer?  

What if it had found something while he was standing here watching him?

Jim suddenly felt angry.

Didn’t he understand?

They were betting with time itself.

They were sitting on borrowed time, a ticking time bomb with a countdown they couldn’t see.

At any moment…

That feeling rose more…

His chest clenched tighter.

“Captain!”

It was enough to jolt him out of it.  

“Captain, my observations collaborate with my calculations which indicate you haven’t gotten adequate sleep in days.”

Days…

Had days past already?

It felt like just one long, endless day to Jim.  A day with thousands of minutes and hours.

“Captain, you need to rest, if you get sick…”

He wasn’t going to get sick.

He wasn’t sure why.  Just as how Bones was certain about the cure, Jim was equally certain he wasn’t going to get sick.

However Jim doubted Spock would understand any of that.  Instead he said the simpler thing.

The thing they had all been too afraid to say.  The words that had been on Jim’s lips since this all started.

“I can’t lose her Spock.”  Jim muttered.  He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.  “I can’t.”

“You won’t.”  Spock answered, so sure Jim almost believed.  Everything Spock ever said was based on facts and figures. He always calculated their odds of success while Jim plowed on ahead.  It was what made them work.

“The numbers tell you that?” Jim asked, warily.

“No.”

Jim opened his mouth to respond, that it wasn’t like Spock.  

“You won’t lose her because she’s you and Leonard,” Spock continued.  “You won’t because she’s strong.  She’s stubborn, and Jim Kirk doesn’t believe in no win scenarios.”

He looked at Spock.  He really looked at his half Vulcan first officer and friend.

“Spock,” Jim hesitated for a moment.  “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

“First officer’s personal log, stardate…”

Spock paused.

“Six days since outbreak,” he amended. “Six days since patient zero, Joanna became sick.”

Spock took deep breath.

“Dr. McCoy has found the cure. The origins are still unknown as is the transmittal method. However it is not enough for the five that were lost today. That brings the total to thirty…”

Spock trailed off.

He gripped his tricorder.

He looked around his quarters. His new quarters, the ones he had been sharing for over a year now.

“Computer start over…”

He cleared his throat.

“The human spirit is strong. It is strong in Jim and Leonard. I have known them for almost a decade, and their strength has not once flattered. Not even now…”

He stopped again. These weren’t the words he wanted to say.

“Computer…"

“Spock.”

He heard Nyota call out to him. Spock turned his head and saw her standing outside the shared bathroom.

Even after all these years, she stirred something inside of him. Something that had taken him years to understand with help from Nyota and years later the captain, the doctor and his own father.

That had been…

Unexpected.

Vulcans never talked about these sort of things. There wasn’t a need since Vulcan parents arranged their children’s bond mates.

As a child, Spock had never questioned his parents’ union. It was years later after his mother’s death, when Spock introduced his father to Nyota that they discussed it.

They discussed how he was bonded as a young Vulcan to a Vulcan princess. It had been a loveless union. Although the union yielded a son, a half-brother, which Spock had become estranged with him over the years.

He had married his mother because he loved her.

The same love he saw between Spock and Nyota…

Nyota walked over and settled next to him. She curled her legs behind her and placed her hands together.

Nyota was a strong woman, a strong and beautiful woman.

Spock had always known that. He had just become more aware of that fact over the years.

She could have anyone in the universe, yet she chose him.

She chose him…

A half human and a half Vulcan…

A child of two worlds…

One who wasn’t even capable of giving Nyota the one thing he knew she desired.

“Leonard took us off duty to sleep.”

Spock didn’t respond.

Nyota continued.

“Yet he and Jim haven’t slept in days.”

She drew out a PADD.

Spock looked at her.

The doctor had confiscated all his PADDs before ordering him to sleep. He had used his own words against him, that working on sleep deprivation was cutting into their efficiency. He had presumed the doctor had done the same with Nyota.

How had…

“I learned from the best,” she smirked. She slid the PADD over, so Spock can see the screen. “We all know none of us are getting much sleep until we find it.” She pushed a piece of hair behind her ears.

The vast expanse of space and universe stretched out before him.

His calculations showed him the likelihood of them finding the planet was less than a millionth of a percentage.

He had always been a logical Vulcan. He had chosen the Vulcan way, but at this moment, he chose the human way. The ways of his friends and lover…

He nodded his head.

He looked at the map, the stars, the numbers, the iterations he had inputted previously.

Maybe…

Just maybe…

He chose to follow that sudden inspiration. It was different from his other iterations, so different.

It was something Jim would do. He suddenly realized.

Spock inputted in his idea and started the next iteration.

He felt Nyota’s warmth pressed up against him as they waited.

Logically they should go to sleep like the doctor had ordered.

Instead he chose the illogical route.

“Sick bay?”

Nyota raised her head before nodding.

She pulled on her boots and together they walked to area where the sick were being quarantined.

The number of sick had long filled up all the beds in sick bay. They had been forced to use the quarters around sick bay days ago.

Nobody complained about shifting quarters. They walked to the room containing the children.  Ten children were there now.

He pressed his index and middle fingers against Nyota’s, who returned it.

An extensive system of wires and tubes ran throughout the room. The same system that was currently running through all the quarantined rooms. The engineering team had set up an extensive ventilation, data transport, and lifeline system under the guidance of the medical staff.

“Mr. Spock, Lieutenant Uhura…”

They turned to see Dr. M’Benga walking towards them. Like everyone else, he looked tired and defeated.

“Doctor.”

“Dr. McCoy had ordered you both to sleep.”

It’s one thing Spock admired about the doctor. He had an extremely loyal team of medical staff.

“Medically I would insist you follow Dr. McCoy’s orders; however…” he turned his head towards the quarantined room. “We all know the things we should be doing aren’t always possible.”

“How is she? They?” Nyota asked.

“Hanging on, it’s all we can ask for. It’s all we can ask from them all.”

Spock felt Nyota twist her fingers around his. He looked over at her.

“Damnit Spock, Nyota! Don’t make me hypo you both!” Spock immediately noticed there was less of an edge in his voice. He noticed the darkening around his eyes. He was approaching the state he had been in all those years ago when the captain had died.

He marched towards them. “Jim I had expected, but you both…”

The PADD chirped.

He noticed the doctor’s eye brow raise. Spock ignored it and pulled out the PADD. He stopped.

He had been taught to follow the words of Surek. He had never been religious especially not after all the god like figures they had met on their journey.

But at this moment, even he wavered.

“Where’s the captain?”

“Sleeping like you should be, damn it,” the doctor snapped.

“No doctor, I know where we can get the ingredients.” He turned the PADD. On the screen, a constellation they had never been to, with one tiny, tiny planet in the center, was…

Hope...

Chapter Text

They make it to the planet in record time.  Even Scotty didn’t berate him for straining the Enterprise.

They all know each hour, each minute, each second was precious.

Jim found himself holding his breath, praying, that the ever growing list of deceased crew members doesn’t grow.

In the final hour, he went down to quarantine again.

He walked through the corridors.

The bodies… so many bodies.

He paused in front of Jo’s room.

His girl baby was still holding on.  She was so tiny, so small in her cot.  He noted that someone had brought her a new toy.  He didn’t recognize it as something she already owned.  He hated that he couldn’t sit by her, hold her hand.  He knew logically that he could help her the most by finding the cure, by being the captain.  However, the parental side of him still felt guilty.

That he couldn’t be there with his baby girl.  This had been the longest since she was born that he hadn’t held her.  

Lately he had been feeling more and more guilty.

His duties as captain kept them away.  Since he stopped taking her onto the bridge he realized he had been spending less time with her.

He hated that.

“Jim.”

He looked up to find Bones standing next to him.  He had changed into his white medical tunic.

He curled into Bones’ arms.  

Instead of the firm muscles that he was accustomed to, Jim felt skin and bone.  

Jim knew he wasn’t the only one.

“She’s so strong.”

“Like like her daddy.”

“And her papa.”

Bones smiled.  He tightened his grip around Jim.  

“Darlin’.”

“We’re so close.”

“But…”

Bones knew him too well.

“What if something goes wrong?  Something always goes wrong.”

“And you always turn it around Jim.  You'll do what you always do, turn death into a fighting chance to live.  I trust you.  We all trust you.”

Jim felt his heart surge.  Just hearing those words gave him a strength that he hadn’t realized that he needed.  He smiled and looked up at Bones.

“Thanks Bones.”

XXXXXXXXX

It was a beautiful planet with shades of gold and green.

Jim almost believed that nothing would go wrong.

It was too beautiful for anything to go wrong.

The scans showed a small settlement with only a handful of inhabitants.

He assembled a small away team, him, Spock, and two security guards.   He couldn’t risk anything going wrong, but he similarly didn’t want the natives thinking they were hostiles if they ran into them.

The plan was simple and fast, exactly what they needed in such a situation. A quick beam down, collect the ingredient and then leave.

It was too easy… too perfect.

And that was why Jim wasn’t surprised when they materialized in front of a group of natives.  There were too many of them, way more than had showed up on the scans.

“Captain, we’ve been expecting you,” a man who Jim immediately recognized as the leader smiled at them.

Jim felt his security guards bristle around him.  He couldn’t risk it.  “Stand down, men.”

“Captain,” Spock started.

“Not now, Spock.”

He had to get the ingredient for Bones.

He stepped forward.  He made sure to leave his hands in plain sight and away from his phaser.

“I’m Captain James Kirk of the Federation Starship, the USS Enterprise.  My crew and I come in peace.  We come looking for a plant to save our sick crew.”  Jim finished.  He held out the PADD containing the image of the plant Bones needed.

The leader stepped forward.  He looked down at the PADD for a moment like he knew that was what Jim wanted before he even asked, before he even saw the image.  “I am King Edmoiun.  We welcome you and your men, Captain Kirk.  However, as for this plant that you desire.”  He paused, and Jim felt his breath hitch.  “I fear we can not give it to you.”

Jim felt his heart drop.

“Why may I ask?”

“Will you walk with us back to our home?”

Jim looked back at Spock and his two men.

“We will.”

“Good.”

The king smiled.

They couldn’t have traveled more than fifty steps when a castle came into view.  A castle they had not noticed but which they should have noticed.  A castle that the sensors should have picked up but didn’t.

He could tell from Spock’s demeanor that he was on edge.  

It was illogical.  

But this wasn’t the first time something like this had occurred.

They had visited many worlds where things just weren’t what they first appeared.  Those missions were never easy and frequently tested their limits.

But this time was different.  They were short on time.  Each moment was a moment too long.

However diplomatic training also taught Jim that patience was important.  He would have to work with these people to get what he needed.

They were shown into the palace.  It was beautiful.  The walls were lined was dazzling gold and silver.  Beautiful painting and sculptures ran the length of the hall.

It was almost like they had walked into a museum, as if years of history was displayed before them.

Jim could tell even Spock was impressed.  He could tell if time wasn't so precious he would request to study the paintings, the rich history of this civilization.  It was a explorer’s dream.

And for some reason their sensors had missed it all.

“Would you like a tour, Captain?”  The king smiled.

“Without meaning any disrespect can we discuss the matter at hand?  The material that we require.”

He saw the king sigh.  “Very well, Captain.  I see I can’t dissuade you.  Perhaps you will allow your men to take the tour while we discuss?”

Jim looked at Spock and his small security detail.  He didn’t sense any malicious intent from the king or his men.  

“That will be agreeable.”

He followed the king to his drawing room.  It was a beautiful room with paintings from the floor to the ceiling.  

The furniture all had intricate designs carved into them.  Craftsmanship that Jim knew would have taken years to complete.

He almost felt guilty when the king asked him to sit.

They were brought tea and biscuit in beautiful tea cups and plates.  It looked like a story had been painted into the sides.

Jim didn’t think he had ever seen anything so beautiful.  

The biscuit seemed to melt in his mouth.  It was cooked to perfection, a perfection that food synthesizes and an overworked chef could never accomplish.

“Is it agreeable, Captain?”

“Very.”  Jim sipped his tea before setting it down.  He noticed the king barely touched his serving.

“It was very delicious.”

Jim couldn’t understand why this man, who seemed so agreeable and hospitable would deny his request.

“Could you please tell me why you refuse our request?  It is very important for my crew.  My family.  They are dying.”

The king sighed.

“I’m sorry Captain, but you are not thinking of the grander picture.  This isn’t just a matter of a simple ingredient.”

Jim shook his head.  “Then help me to understand.”

“To put it simply, they are just by products.”

At the Academy, one of the first things Jim had learned about diplomatic relations involved never starting an intergalactic war.

However at that moment, he didn’t care.

His crew weren’t byproducts.

Those little children who died in Bones’ arms weren’t by products.

Jo, Chekov, and the other twenty crew members that were currently holding on to their lives were not by products.

“They are not by products. My crew are not byproducts.  My daughter is not a byproduct.”  Jim responded.

He wondered if he imagined the momentary shock in the king’s eyes.  However it went away just as quickly.

“Why won’t you give us the cure we need?”

“Because Captain Kirk, we are a lot more alike than you think.”

That was not the response he was expecting.

The king suddenly looked tired.  “I am sorry your daughter is sick.”

“But you can save her.  Please save her.”

“I can not.”

“Why?”

“Because Captain Kirk, the world is not your oyster as much as it is not mine.”

He opened his mouth.

“I was once like you Captain Kirk.  I too once had a daughter. A beautiful daughter whose hair was as gold as the sun, eyes as blue as the sea, and whose smile filled me with so much love.  I would have given the world to make her happy.

Jim didn’t open his mouth.

He let the king continue despite knowing every minute was precious, every second was a second too long.

“I thought I had the world, the universe too.  But Captain Kirk, the world is a fickle thing.  It takes.  It bleeds.  It squeezes from life forms like us.”

“You don’t believe me.”  The king sighed.  “One day, a plague struck my country, Captain Kirk.”  

Jim took a deep breath.

“She caught the plague as did most of my subjects.  My healers like yours found the cure.  It came to them, like it most likely did for yours.  One day they just knew as if it had been implanted into their minds.  Like it was showing us what we could have."

Jim clenched his fists.  

Bones’ words…

“I just know, Jim.  I can't explain how or why, but I just do...”  

“It required an impossible ingredient.  Like you, we searched for that ingredient.  We searched far and wide.  When I reached my destination, I was given a choice.”  The king stopped talking at that moment.  He looked at Jim.  

“What do you give for knowledge?  What do you give so your people won't know death?  Won’t know sickness?  Unlimited knowledge…”

Jim suddenly felt sad for the king.  He now understood how this kingdom could seem so perfect…

Eden doesn’t exist.

“It just doesn’t feel right, Jim.  None of this does…”

The words Bones had spoken to him before he left the ship.

There was a reason he always thought Bones was smarter than him.

"So you're saying this is all just a test?"

"Precisely."

Jim felt his blood rise.  “No this is unacceptable, unfair.  It's not just a test for the loved ones waiting at home, who will now receive saying their loved ones died.  It's not a test to for them.  They too have hopes and dreams, trust that they would come home.”

“And many more will die.”  The king continued, not at all fazed by Jim’s outburst.

“Doesn’t death come with the job, captain?  But… It doesn't have to be.  What will you choose, Captain?  Will you sacrifice a few for the good of the many? Immortality, perfection, paradise, omniscience is all at your fingertip.”

Jim sighed.  “To hear my daughter’s laughter, to see my crew healthy and whole, that is worth more than a thousand lifetimes. As for perfection, perfection can’t be given, it has to be earned.  We work hard to better ourselves, a free paradise causes stagnation.”

The king smiled.  

Jim hadn’t expected that.

“Thank you, Captain Kirk for saying what I couldn’t all those years ago.”  

There was a blinding light that caused Jim to shield his eyes.  When he opened them, the castle, the village, everything had disappeared. In its place was a planet of waste.

“Captain!”

He turned to find Spock and his security detail rushing to him.

“Captain, what happened?”

“I don’t know but…”

Jim smiled.  There in front of him, the only thing that told them it wasn’t a dream was the ingredient Bones had shown him.  He picked it up.

And beside it was a beautiful doll, the only thing that remained of the beautiful world Jim had seen.  With it, in thick calligraphy were the words ‘for your princess, Captain’.

“Captain?"  

“Let’s go home, Spock.”

Chapter Text

He looked at Bones and their little girl.  The other patients had started to wake up already, and Bones and the rest of the medical staff were starting to discharge them with firm orders to take it easy.  Only Jo and Chekov were still asleep.

They had been the first to get sick.

“Come on baby.  Wake up for Daddy, please,” Jim muttered.  He clenched his little girl’s hand.

It didn’t leave an angry bruise this time.

“Please.”

At that moment, he thought back to what the king had said to him.

He would.

He would give up the sun and the moon and everything and everyone for Jo to get better. He could understand the king’s grief which eventually turned to anger.  How it became the fuel for what he had done.  What he would have continued to do.

He had never been a praying man. He had seen so much of the universe and found so many false gods that he didn’t believe anymore.

However at that moment, Jim prayed.  He prayed for his little girl.  

XXXXXXXXX

“Daddy?  Daddy?”  

His eyes snapped open.

A pair of near identical blue eyes looked back at him.  A pair of eyes for a time he never thought he would never see again.

He let out a strangled cry.  “Joanna.”

“Daddy!  Up!”  She exclaimed.  She flung out her arms at him.  She broke out her sunny smile.  Jim scampered forward; however, at the last moment, he stopped himself. Though most of the bruises were starting to fade, the last time he held his little girl, he had inadvertently caused her so much pain.  “Hug, Daddy?” She asked.  Jim noted the slow forming quiver of her bottom lip.

“Let me go get Papa, okay?”

“Papa!”  Joanna grinned.  She clapped her arms excitedly.

Jim smiled.  He turned on his heels.  He knew Bones was probably in Chekov’s room, which was only two doors down.  

The smile he didn’t realize had appeared on his face dropped as soon as he entered Chekov’s room.  It was quiet and empty now.  His chief navigator looked so young and helpless in his oversized bed.  Sulu was sitting by his bed.  Bones was staring at his tricorder. 

They turned upon his entrance.

“Jim?”  He heard the worry in Bones’ voice.

He saw the same worry mirror on Sulu’s face.

It was enough to chase away the relief inside of him that Jo was awake.  “How’s Chekov?”

Bones shook his head.  “No change, which under the circumstances is good.  Jo?”

“She’s awake, Bones.”

He saw the worry leave Bones’ face.  He saw how Bones seemed to visibly relax.  They both looked at Sulu.  There was a small smile on his face.  

He nodded at them both.  Jim took Bones’ hand.  Together, they walked back to Jo’s room.  

“Daddy!  Papa!”  Her smile broke out upon seeing them.

“Baby girl,” Bones muttered.  He dropped to his knees, so that he was at her eye level.  “How you feelin’, pumpkin?”

“Sweepy.”  

“Will you let Papa examine you, then you can go back to sleep?”

“Up, Papa? Up, Daddy?”

Bones turned to Jim before looking back at Jo.  

The words Bones didn’t speak.

“How about Daddy holds your hand instead?”

Jo nodded her head in agreement.

Feeling Jo’s tiny little hand in his centered him, centered him in ways the last thousands of hours could not do.

Jo giggled as Bones ran his tricorder over her body.  

He didn’t need to hear Bones say it because that paternal side of him, the father side of him that he never dreamt he could have knew.

He just knew that Jo was going to be okay.

They would be okay.

And the first time since this all started, Jim could finally relax.  

XXXXXXXXX

There was a section of the Enterprise that Jim only sometimes visited.  It had been Bones’ idea.  He thought it would be beneficial for everyone.  

Jim had agreed.

However over the years his opinion had changed.

However, he didn't regret his decision.

It was just…

Sometimes…

Like now, it was harder.  

It had been a month since the illness.  A month since that night.

Chekov had woken shortly afterwards, and the Enterprise was finally starting to return to normal operations.

“Daddy?”  Jo called to him.  She smiled up at him.  Jim smiled back, tightening his grip on Jo’s little hand.

He drew her close as he reached his destination.

The wall of remembrance…

Every person that died under his command had a plaque on this wall.  In space, they couldn’t keep bodies around, and sometimes there were no bodies to bury.  Bones had suggested it as a way for crewmembers to honor and remember those they had lost.

Jim saw it as all the people he had failed.  All the ways he still needed to improve.

Bones always told him it wasn’t his fault, but even now…

Even now that he wasn’t a green captain anymore, he still believed it was his fault.

Now…

Now it was even harder.

The children they had lost.  Their names joined the others.

The five children that had died in Bones’ arms.  He had gone to each family in the days that followed.  He had given each family the choice to transfer to a different posting.  Two couples had immediately taken him up on his offer.  The others were still undecided.

Looking down at Jo, now happy and healthy, Jim wondered what he would have done had anything happened to Jo.  Could he live on a ship where he watched his daughter grow and blossom?  

Could Bones?

He picked her up and drew her close to his chest.

“Nat…”  Jo exclaimed, pointing at a picture on the wall.  Someone had attached it next to his plaque. “Daddy!  Nat!”

A little boy, two years older than Jo, smiled back at him.  A little boy with dark brown eyes and matching brown hair…

A little boy he had watched Jo play with.

A little boy they hadn’t been able to save.  

This is what Starfleet had been against.

A little boy that would never be able to grow up.

“Yes, Jo.”  He whispered.  “Nat.”  He pressed a kiss to Jo’s forehead.  He hugged her extra tight because he didn’t know what tomorrow would hold.

None of them did.

But like he had promised Bones and himself so long ago, he would try to his damn hardest to protect them all.

FIN