Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

your plan and those slow hands

Felix would admit to no one that the idea struck him when he saw a tiktok - one of those small businesses that use their tiktok to promote their products. This one was for a candle that melted down into a massage oil instead of a wax. (and the fact that the product was blowing up on kinktok was information that would have to be tortured out of him).

But he impulsively bought it anyway.

Because he knew exactly who he wanted to use it on.

As soon as the package arrived, he asked Chan on a date. An at home date - a nice dinner, nothing fancy, just time to spend together just the two of them. Chan agreed without hesitation. He wasn’t even sure how he managed to get the dorms empty, but he did (it honestly probably only took a few pointed comments about his intentions before the other six boys made themselves scarce). And for some silly reason Felix was nervous about their evening together which was so silly. They’ve gone out so many times just the two of them, they’d woken up in bed together more and more often, morning erections pressed into each other, heated kisses that always felt like there was room for something more to happen, but nothing ever did. But tonight felt like something special.

So he cleaned up their bedroom, put fresh sheets on his bed, lit the candle that he was so excited to use so that it was ready when they were. He set the ambiance, so the room was bathed in just the warm glow of the candle and the faint purple of the lights above Chan’s bed.

(It’s not like he expected anything to happen, he just wanted to treat Chan to a nice dinner and a massage.)

Chan looked surprised at the care that was obviously put into the dinner that Felix made. It wasn’t particularly elaborate (he wasn’t as good of a cook as Minho), but it was food from home, something that was familiar and special to just them. And Felix didn’t know why he was nervous in the first place, because time spent with Chan was always so easy - so sweet and familiar. Time passed so quickly and effortlessly. And when Chan finally leaned back in his chair, pushing his plate away, he sighed, resting his hands across his abdomen, “ah, I can’t eat anymore, but it’s so good, agh,” he grunted and groaned like he always did.

Felix practically glowed with pleasure at the compliment, “I’m glad you liked it.”

Chan’s eyes shone in the dim light of the dining room, “thanks for this, 'Lix, any special occasion?”

Felix just shrugged, “no, just wanted to treat you to something nice. You work so hard.”

“Ach,” Chan waved him off, “you’re too nice to me.”

“I’ll always be nice to you.”

Chan leaned forward, propping his chin on his hand, eyes warm with adoration and affection, “I love you,” he said.

Chan always just said things like that so unabashedly and it made Felix’s stomach roll and heart flutter and always left him sputtering and stuttering, face red, “love you too, Chris,” which just made Chan’s eyes crinkle with a smile, dimples out and proud, “I have one more thing I want to do for you, if you’re up for it.”

“More?” he laughed, “let me clean up first,” he started to collect their plates and the leftovers and Felix tried to argue, but Chan wouldn’t let him get a word out, “you cooked, let me clean up, please,” and to appease Chan’s constant need to feel useful and be helpful, Felix let him.

When Felix finally dragged Chan into the bedroom, the room smelled like lavender and eucalyptus, “Come on, up,” he patted his mattress.

Chan’s eyebrows quirked together in surprise, “why?”

“I want to give you a massage. I’ve been practicing.”

Chan hesitated, looked momentarily uncomfortable and Felix for a brief moment felt like he’d failed already. He followed Chan’s eyes as he searched the room and in hindsight maybe this was too intimate looking, too romantic, the candlelight, trying to drag Chan into his bed - maybe Chan thought he was asking for me than he was ready for.

“Chris, please,” he encircled his waist with his arms, pulling him into a kiss that Chan always so readily returned, “I want to make you feel good. Let me help you relax.”

Chan didn’t move, “this is definitely a fire hazard,” he said instead, dryly, nodding to the candle that had melted down a substantial amount and had been left unattended during their dinner.

“Chris,” Felix whined at the teasing.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Chan stepped back, “let me at least go change out of these,” he motioned to his jeans. Once he disappeared, Felix changed into sweats and a t-shirt. He grabbed his phone and shuffled through a few playlists before settling on something mellow. Then all he could do was hover awkwardly, nervously, waiting for Chan to come back. When he did, he was in nothing but his basketball shorts, all bare chested and sculpted muscles and Felix was starting to think that maybe he was getting in a little over his head, “where do you want me?”

There were a lot of different ways that Felix could have answered that question that most certainly would have sent Chan out the door, so he settled for the actual answer which was, “on your stomach.” Chan didn’t hesitate before he climbed on the bed and flopped down with a grunt. He stretched out, his head pillowed on his crossed arms and his shorts hung low on his hips. The tops of his boxers just peaked out over the edge, sitting just right on the curve of his ass and the divot of the small of his back. In this position he was all flexed muscles and smooth skin and -

“Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me, Felix?”

Felix jerked out his stupor, grateful that Chan’s face was turned away from him and couldn’t see how incredibly hard he was just from staring at him, “Sorry, sorry, coming up,” he climbed on top of him slowly, sitting up and straddling the back of his thighs. And sitting up there getting more and more turned on by the second, he suddenly wasn’t sure where to start.

“What is this candle? It smells really good,” Chan murmured, seemingly unaware of Felix’s dilemma.

“Oh, that’s what I’m using for your massage,” he grabbed the candle and looked down into the glass. It had melted quite a bit, leaving a perfect little reservoir of oil which is just what he needed.

“Huh?” Chan tried to look back over his shoulder, but Felix had already tilted the container over his open hand experimentally, the little flame rocking with the motion. The liquid that came out was warm, but not unbearable and it was silky and creamy and he let it run between his fingers, dripping down to small of Chan’s back like an oil instead of thick like a wax, “-ah-,” Chan choked out in surprise at the sudden contact, “what is that?”

“It’s a candle that burns down into massage oil instead of wax,” Felix wasn’t going to mention where he got it from and what it’s normally used for, because it was serving its purpose tonight for just a massage.

“Oh.”

“Too hot?”

“No, no,” Chan shifted under him and Felix froze because if Chan backed his ass up any further, he would be grinding against his dick and that was not the point of tonight, “it feels nice,” and that’s exactly what Felix wanted to hear. He put the container back on the bedside stand and tipped his other hand over, the oil dripping out of the palm of his hand in a slow teasing stream, dotting Chan’s skin with little pinpricks of translucent purple liquid. Chan let out the softest of sighs and Felix very carefully ran his hands through the little puddle that had collected in the small of his back and carefully began to spread it across his skin. It was smooth and warm beneath his hands and it made Chan’s back wet and shiny, his muscles standing out beautifully in the dim light of the room.

He was gentle at first, starting with the top of his back and down around his shoulder blades and down his spine. Applying just a little pressure with his thumb as he gauged how much he could push and dig, “move your arms down,” he instructed and Chan complied, bringing them down to lay against his sides. From this angle, he could just see his nose and lips peeking against the pillow his face was smashed into and he looked content.

He grabbed the candle again, needing more for his arms. He paused for a moment, before aiming for the spot between his shoulder blades and tilted it every so slightly. Just a few little drops splattered out and rolled down his spine. The gasp that came from Chan’s mouth startled Felix enough that he stopped and put the container back down, “okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, that felt … good,” he sounded a little breathless.

“Noted,” he murmured as he began working the new addition around the points of his shoulders and down his biceps.

He was meticulous in his movements. Taking his time to work each muscle slowly and deliberately, breaking down knots and digging out the tension, sometimes with one hand, sometimes both as he worked down the back of each arm all the way to his wrists and then back up again. He grunted and scrunched up his face with effort as he outlined every muscle with his thumbs and the heels of his hands as he increased the intensity, working down his spine and across his hips and then over to the sides of his ribs. He traced the top of his shorts with his fingertips, but didn’t push any further, letting his nails dig into his skin ever so slightly, making little tracks through the silky oil.

And the sounds Chan was making under him were just divine. The little groans and gasps that Felix was pulling out of him were like a symphony on top of the gentle music that filled the room, sweeter sounds than he ever could have imagined, “Chris?”

“Hm?”

“Can I touch your neck?”

Chan went tense under him and Felix’s hand stilled. He lifted his head and looked back at him over his shoulder. From what he could see of his face, his expression was unreadable. Felix waited him out and eventually Chan let his head sink back into the pillow and muttered a soft, “okay.”

“Just tell me if you want me to stop, yeah?”

Chan nodded.

Felix started slow, working his way back up Chan’s spine, digging his fingertips into flesh. The oil was slick and warm and allowed his hands to move with ease against his skin. When he got to the top of his spine, he didn’t hesitate, bringing one hand up the back of his neck, taking care not to apply any pressure at first, just stroking up into the hairs at the nape. He let his fingers curl through his hair, finger tips raking against his skull before dragging his hand back down. He did it over and over again, never applying any real pressure, until he felt Chan relax under him and his hair was sticking together with the weight of oil. The next time he brought his hand up, he used his thumb and pointer finger to dig into the muscles on either side of his vertebrae.

The second time he did it, Chan arched into the touch with a soft sigh that brought a smile to Felix’s face.

“That feels really good, Felix,” he murmured.

Felix smiled down at him even though he knew Chan couldn’t see, “okay, roll over, gotta do the other side.”

“Can’t,” he huffed out, “embarrassing hard on. Will not be turning over.”

Felix laughed out loud, breaking the sensual energy in the air, “you and me both.”

“You? How? I’m not even doing anything for you.”

Felix ignored the problematic part of that statement and slapped Chan’s ass, “have you looked at yourself recently? I’m literally straddling this greek god of a body, covered in hot, wet oil attached to this handsome, perfectly sculpted face,” as he spoke he crawled up him slowly, punctuating each sentence with a kiss up his spine until he made it to the back of his neck. Chan started with a protest, but by the end of Felix’s tirade, he was a melting puddle under him, “turn over,” Felix demanded as he pressed an open mouth kiss to the flesh just below his ear.

The position they ended up in took Felix’s breath away.

He was straddling Chan’s hips low and if he shifted too much he would definitely be grinding against the perfect outline of Chan’s cock, rock hard in his shorts and even in the faint light in the room, he could see the flush across his chest. Chan was staring right at him. The way he always did with bright eyes and a soft smile. He wasn’t ever particularly shy with them and the weight of his stare, the way he so unabashedly looked at him with such open adoration made Felix flush with heat. Felix leaned forward and pressed a kiss into his lips and Chan grunted in surprise at the feeling of Felix’s cock pressing into his, “I want to try something,” Felix whispered against his lips, trying to hide how breathless he was from the sensation.

“What?” Chan’s eyes were dark and his cheeks were red.

“I’ve been doing some research.”

“Oh?”

Felix sat back on his heels and he could breathe a little easier.

“About how to do massage for chronic pain from a broken rib,” Chan’s face went a little blank, his eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly, “the pain here,” Felix ghosted his fingertips against the spot area on his left side that always caused him so much discomfort, “it’s from broken ribs, right?” Chan inhaled sharply at the touch, flinching away just a fraction.

“Mm, yeah, I guess so.”

To Felix’s knowledge, Chan never really talked anymore about the photographs; the events that led to it or what happened after. The details of his injuries all remained this vague blur. Felix could connect some of the dots, make some assumptions, but didn’t know the details. So when Chan admitted so softly, confirmed what he had already assumed, that he was beaten hard enough to break ribs - to cause this lingering chronic pain, it absolutely shattered Felix’s heart.

“I read,” Felix pushed on, “that there are little nerves that run in between each rib called intercostal nerves and when a rib is broken, sometimes even after it heals - especially if it didn’t heal the right way - it keeps sending messages to the area that it hurts.”

Chan didn’t say anything, but he had a peculiar look on his face.

“Anyway, I’ve been watching videos on how to do the massages that are supposed to help - break up the tension in the muscles or something. If you want me to try,” he shrugged suddenly a little nervous that he would say no, “I mean, I don’t know if it’ll even help, but…”

Chan pushed himself up onto his elbows before grabbing the back of Felix’s head with one hand and pulling him in. He slotted their lips together gently, “you’re so sweet to me.” Felix pulled away with a red face because when Chan sat up like that, their hips were flush against each other, “I honestly thought it was all in my head,” Chan fell flat again, resting his hands on Felix’s sides. His fingers, which always seemed to be moving or tapping or fidgeting with something, were surprisingly still, “I’m certainly not going to say no after whatever magic you were doing to my back just now.”

Felix rubbed his hands together, pleased, “okay, just relax, tell me if something doesn’t feel good, okay?” but despite his excitement, there was a knot of apprehension in his belly. With Chan staring at him so warmly, all bare skin and well-defined muscle. (His ‘embarrassing hard-on’ pressing into Felix every time he moved certainly wasn’t helping.) He cleared his throat and settled back lower onto Chan’s thighs.

This time when he tilted the candle over his stomach, he didn’t use his hand first, he just let the oil spill across his skin. He didn’t stop like he did before when Chan let out a soft little gasp before biting his tongue between his teeth so he could see if pushing out against his cheek. Felix clocked the habit, how he was purposefully trying to keep quiet. He wasn’t going to call him out on it yet, but he hoped by the end of this he’d break him of that.

When he was satisfied that he had enough, he ran his hands through it, slicking up his chest and down his sides and up his shoulders. Not applying any real pressure, just covering him until he was wet and glowing in the dim lights, the flame of the candle shining in the reflection of the moistened canvas that was Chan’s skin.

He started by finding Chan’s last rib, buried under taught muscle. He worked his fingers along the edge of it, starting in the center and working out until it disappeared around his back. And then he moved up to the next one, meticulously finding each little space between his ribs barely big enough for his fingertips to work between as he broke down the little knots of muscle sitting over them and worked in between each one as much as he could.

And Chan was just a mess under him, his face scrunched up in concentration or pain, Felix couldn’t really tell, little choking gasps escaped between clenched teeth. He made it to the spot and as soon as Felix started digging, Chan’s eyes flew open with a startled yelp, his hands desperately grabbing for Felix to stop him, “too much? Are you okay?”

“Sorry, sorry,” he sputtered out and the rapid way his chest was moving had Felix pulling back completely, “no, don’t go, sorry,” he grabbed at him again. His hands spread wide on Felix’s thighs where his shorts were riding up from straddling him, “It just took me by surprise. Keep going.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, please, just a little … gentler.”

Felix started softer, just a light stroking of the pad of his thumb across the sensitive area. He let his hand fan out as he stroked down his side, his fingertips following in a gentle stroke, grazing his chest with light, teasing touches. The softer touch seemed to work because after a few moments, Chan’s eyes were closed again and he was practically panting, his mouth dropped open, teeth clenching together as he bit back the little groans of pleasure that Felix was dragging out of him, “no need to be shy,” Felix whispered as he pressed a little harder, “I like the noises you make.”

Chan’s mouth dropped open, his breathing hitched in his chest, but he didn’t make a sound as Felix kept up the administration, “does that hurt?” Felix finally asked.

“Yeah,” Chan gasped out and Felix stopped what he was doing before he clarified, “but in a good way. Keep going, please,” and the way the word please came out just a little needy, a little desperate, had Felix’s already hard cock throbbing, pleasure coiling warm in his core.

After a time, the oil had mostly dried and his skin was red from the intensity of the massage and Chan was melting into the mattress under him, Felix finally moved on, “Okay, almost done,” he whispered, because he was drunk on the idea that he was the one that could make Chan feel like this and he didn’t want to stop.

“More? You’re too good to me,” Chan murmured, but didn’t open his eyes, just rolled his head to the other side and sighed further into the mattress.

This time when Felix tipped the candle over his chest, he was more deliberate with his aim, making sure the lavender scented drops of warm silky oil landed in a perfect line across Chan’s nipple. The gasp that left this mouth was even louder and more guttural than before, chest and hips jerking in surprise. His hands that hadn’t moved from the outer parts of Felix’s thighs, flexed on reflex as he panted through the sensation. Felix paused for half a second, just long enough for Chan to tell him to stop, to tell him no, but he didn’t do anything except roll his hips under him, fingers digging into the flesh of his thighs. So Felix did it again and he could feel Chan under him, his cock hard and obvious. And after Felix put the candle down, he rocked his hips forward, grinding against him as he worked his hands across his chest - rolling the warm liquid against his nipples and massaging it into his pecs.

And if the look on his face before was enough to send Felix over the edge, the reaction he got now could be enough to have him orgasming practically untouched. The little flush that crept up Chan’s perfect porcelain skin that dusted high on his cheek bones, the open mouth, silent gasps as he rolled his nipples between his thumb and forefinger, the way his hips bucked against his every time Felix rocked forward.

And Felix was relentless in his administration's - moving beyond a massage into the territory of something much more primal, more intimate and sexual than they were doing before. He dragged nails down his chest and across his abdomen, rocking back on his heels so he could slip his fingers just under the waistband of his shorts, but no further. He waited until he had Chan shuddering and trembling under him, until he could feel his hands move to his hips to dig his fingers into his flesh to rock their hips together. He waited until they were gasping in time with each other in mutual pleasure to lean forward and press an open mouth kiss into his neck, just below his ear, bracing his hands against his chest - and when Chan didn’t stop him he did it again, a little lower and then again and again until he was sucking kisses down his neck to his collarbone and then slowly back up, and Chan’s head was thrown back, exposing his neck, silently asking for more and Felix was only happy to comply.

He brought their lips together in a heated moment and Chan’s hands were digging into him reflexively in that needy, compulsive way he did, dragging him down against him. And that was almost enough to send Felix over the edge and the feeling was so intense that it took his breath away, so much so that he had to pull back from his kiss just so he could suck oxygen into his lungs, dizzy with the need to feel every part of Chan against him.

The words were out of his mouth before he could think better of it, “Can I touch you?” Felix finally whispered, mouth pressed to his ear, dragging his hands down to rest at the top of his shorts. He pulled back when Chan didn’t say anything. His face was a bit unreadable, except for the flush across his cheeks, the shining blissed out look in his eyes. Felix recognized that this was a lot - this position they were in, what he was asking of him, the level of control he was asking Chan to give up. And the fact that that this was more than they had ever done before wasn’t lost on him. He half expected a denial, but instead Chan’s brow furrowed just once as he searched his face with unreadable eyes, before he nodded.

Felix climbed back down him slowly, hooking his fingers in the top of his shorts and boxers. Chan watched him as he moved, but didn’t say anything when he carefully pulled them down, lifting his hips to move the fabric out from under him. And when Chan was stretched out naked in front of him, Felix truly thought he had just ascended into heaven to be blessed by such an image.

“Wait,” Felix paused his efforts of climbing back up him, “you too,” Chan finally said,

Felix didn’t hesitate to climb off of him to strip down to nothing before clambering backup to resume his straddled position over his thighs. He sat a little lower this time, just above his knees and when he reached for the candle again, Chan kept his eyes on him the entire time, his lower lip finding its spot between his teeth as it so often did when he was overthinking.

“Tell me to stop if you want me to,” Felix commanded and Chan didn’t say anything so Felix just let the candle tip. And this time he aimed for the little divot of his hip where that perfect little ‘V’ muscle tapered. As soon as it hit, Chan’s eyes drifted closed and he sighed at the sensation.

Felix didn’t touch him at first, not directly. He moved meticulously as he massaged into the muscles of his thigh, pressing the heels of palms down the front of his legs and then dragging his fingers up his inner thighs. Chan’s legs spread just a fraction, just enough for Felix to slip his fingers in between them to dig into the sensitive flesh there. As he worked his hands back up, his knuckles brushed against his length as he passed across his lower abdominal muscles, “is this okay?” and Chan could only nod.

He was honestly so beautiful.

And when Felix finally took his length in his hand, Chan bucked against his grip on reflex and his eyes flew open in surprise at the sudden touch, but Felix didn’t stop, working the remaining moisture in his hand slowly up and down, memorizing every inch of him as he meticulously worked him, “alright?”

“Yes-” his confirmation was more just an escaping of air from his lungs as he crumbled under Felix’s touch.

Chan’s legs tensed under him, his muscles trembling as Felix kept up his slow, relentless pace, “wait-” Chan choked out and Felix stopped, immediately releasing him and pulling back, “wait, come here,” Chan grabbed at his face to bring him forward, “I want to feel you too,” he whispered so softly against his lips before kissing him deeply, one hand tugging at his blonde hair lightly.

Felix could only groan in response, bracing one hand on the pillow behind Chan’s hand, the other resting lightly against his chest. Without breaking their kiss, Chan moved his hand to the small of his back and pressed him forward until Felix was moved up his thighs. Bent over like this, their chests barely touching, gave Chan enough room to reach between them and guide Felix’s hand back to where their cocks slid against each other.

The sensation was divine as Felix wrapped his hand around them both, Chan’s hand was on top of his providing an extra bit of pressure that had Felix throwing his head back, eyes closing as he fucked up into their hands, “one sec,” Felix gasped out, releasing them and sitting back. Chan settled his hands on his knees, twitching nervously as he watched Felix reach for the candle and tip the last of the oil into his palm.

Their eyes connected and Chan smiled up at him, shyly and sweetly and Felix melted. Leaning back over him, he braced himself with one hand next to Chan's head, the other now warm and wet regripped them. One of Chan’s hands joined his in his movement, the other finding his spot in Felix’s hair, gripping lightly to guide their lips together. The oil made everything slick and warm and Felix was lost in the sensation as they fell into a perfect rhythm. The hand in his hair tightened on reflex, tugging harder than he expected, drawing a startled gasp out of his mouth, “sorry, sorry,” Chan whispered, “didn’t mean to -”

“Do it again,” Felix begged, his voice a desperate whine. Chan looked surprised, but brought his fingers up through his hair, tangled in close to his scalp and tightened his grip just a little, using his grip to bring their mouths back together. Felix grunted into the kiss, the speed of his jerking intensifying, “fuck, Chan,” and Chan was always so sensitive to sounds so when the words left his lips, Chan groaned into his mouth, thrusting up into their hands, the grip on Felix’s hair tightening even more.

The sounds, the sensations, the feeling of Chan’s cock pressed into his, wrapped in their hands, finally sent Felix tumbling over the edge of his orgasm first. White ropes of fluid springing hot against Chan’s chest and abdomen and down their joined hands. A deep throaty moan escaped his lips as his hips shuddered, cock pulsating in their hands. His legs trembled from holding the position he was in for so long. Chan kissed him deeply, lips curved into a pleased smile as he released them both. Felix sat back, his hips shuddering into the open air at the loss of contact, last little bits of cum dripping down onto Chan’s stomach.

Chan smiled so sweetly, releasing the grip he had on his hair and bringing his hands up to rest on Felix’s hips, guiding him backward.

Felix was momentarily confused until he realized that Chan wasn’t intending to continue, was pushing Felix away from him, unfinished, “Wait, no,” Felix pushed his hands off of his hips and leaned forward, regripping Chan’s length, “let me take care of you.”

“But you already-” Felix silenced him with another slow stroke of his hand up his length. But Chan was already so tense, so on edge that his eyes just fluttered closed, “-ngh-, ‘Lix-”

“Please, let me,” he worked slowly, hands trembling as he shuddered through the aftershocks of his own orgasm. Chan was tense. His abs contracted, shining wet with oil and Felix’s cum, his head thrown back, brows furrowed in concentration, his lower lip tucked between his teeth. Felix’s movements were slow and gentle, methodical as he worked up and down his length, letting his thumb graze the slit on the up stroke. Chan was trembling under him, one hand now resting spread wide on Felix’s thigh, the other he brought up to hide his face in the crook of his elbow.

He had to be close, with how hard he was, pre-cum dripping down Felix’s knuckles. His breaths were rapid, chest rising and falling, “Chris,” Felix grabbed his arm with his free hand, bringing it away from his face, “I want to see you,” he whispered. He guided his hand to his other thigh, felt Chan’s fingers digging into the soft flesh there. Chan turned his head away, half buried in the pillow. Felix brought himself down to hover over him again, grabbing at Chan’s face, the speed of his stroking intensifying. The reaction was instant. Chan threw his head backward, eyes closed, hips jerking up to meet Felix’s hand. His pouty lips parted just a fraction and Felix heard just the softest moan escape before he forced his mouth closed again, “I want to hear you,” he whispered in his ear, “please, come for me, Chris,” with one hand slowly jerking him off, the other found a spot entangled in his hair, turning his head slowly to bring their lips together, “just let go, I got you,” he whispered against them.

The grip on his thighs tightened, nails digging harshly on reflex. Felix pulled back enough to watch his face. The soft pout of his lips, the flush of red that crept up his chest and covered his cheeks. His curls stuck to a semi-damp forehead. His eyes were closed, head tilted back to expose the hollow of his neck. Felix could feel his orgasm building by the way his breath hitched in his throat, “fuck, I love you so much,” he whispered, “come on, babe, let go for me.”

Chan finally did, “Felix-,” he gasped out his name as let go.

His breaths were ragged and harsh as he pulsated in Felix’s hands. His fingers clenched against his thigh in time with his strokes as he made sure every last drop had been emptied.

God, he was beautiful.

Watching him come undone underneath him, trusting Felix enough to just let go.

He rested his forehead against his, closed his eyes as he listened to Chan’s breathing even out. When he finally stopped his movements, they just sat like that in silence, “Chris,” Felix finally whispered. When Chan didn’t answer, he pressed his lips to his forehead and then his cheek and finally his mouth before collapsing down on top of him. Chan’s chest was soaked with cum and sweat and oil and it smeared into Felix, but he didn’t care.

“‘Lix-ah,” Chan groaned out, “you’re going to get messy,” he didn’t push him off though, just brought his arms up around his waist before kissing him back.

“Guess we’ll have to go shower then.”

“What if the kids are back, how are we going to get there?”

“Walk fast.”

Chan laughed and it was the sweetest sound Felix had ever heard.

He wasn’t sure why, but something felt significant about this moment. He wasn’t going to ask, but he felt like Chan was purposefully holding back, trying to stay in control, trying to stay quiet. As if he were embarrassed or scared about letting Felix see him so vulnerable, so raw and undone. Assumed that once Felix was finished, his ending wasn't as important, wasn't necessary.

And maybe they’d talk about it sometime.

But not today.

“Felix?”

“Hm?”

“I love you,” Felix pulled his head up from where it had found a spot on Chan’s shoulder. His eyes were a little shiny, blissed out, his cheeks flushed, “I love you,” he repeated, “but we need to get up.” he pecked Felix once on the lips before pushing him up, “let’s go shower.”

“Or we just lay here and shower tomorrow.”

“Gross, no, up, go.” he punctuated each word with a kiss on his lips, each one a little longer and more intense until he had half rolled Felix under him, pressing him down into the mattress.

Felix almost asked him right then and there to fuck him.

But he didn’t.

Instead he let Chan pull him down the hall into the bathroom and into the shower. The thought did cross his mind again when Chan had him pressed against the wall, water beating down on them as he kissed him absolutely senseless, but he didn’t.

He'd save that for another night.

After all, today was just supposed to be a massage.

Chapter Text

Chan couldn’t really articulate how he was feeling. Couldn’t put into words why he had this gnawing, gaping, nauseating energy coiled up in his stomach from the moment he woke up until the moment he finally succumbed to his exhaustion in the early hours of the morning. He knew what he was feeling was anxiety, he just didn’t know why. He also didn’t know why every time he looked at Felix the feeling got worse - to the point where he was avoiding being alone with him. Avoiding any chance that a repeat of how their date ended could happen again.

It’s not like he didn’t enjoy it.

But something kept telling him that he couldn’t let it happen again, because if it did things would end between them. Felix would realize that he wasn’t worth it, it wasn’t good enough for him, he wasn’t getting enough out of it.

Chan just wasn’t good enough.

Wasn’t good enough.

Wasn’t good enough.

Wasn’t good -

“Hyung?”

Chan startled out of his self-destructing, spiraling train of thought at Hyunjin’s words. Water bottle half brought to his lips, he stood frozen in the kitchen, stuck in whatever blackhole that was dragging him down.

“What’s up, Jinnie?” he smiled at him as easily as he could, letting out a low breath before he forced himself to drink the ice water in front of him - hoping the shock of the cold would reset whatever mess was going on inside his brain.

“Nothing, you just looked … spaced out?” that’s what they were calling it then. Spaced out being the code word they seemed to have settled on instead of just calling the dissociation what it was. It hadn’t been bad lately. Every once in a while, Chan would feel the heaviness tickling at the edges of his consciousness, threatening to pull him under - and sometimes he’d lean into it, sometimes he’d fight it, sometimes it would overtake him before he could stop it and he’d end up a catatonic waste of space. But he’d been better. Things had been better. He was trying to be better and not just hide like he would before.

So when Hyunjin asked, in that tentative, sweet way, Chan just smiled again, “I’m here, I’m good,” he’d always say that - his way of saying without saying that his brain was all present and accounted for and there was no need to revert to whatever grounding techniques they’d all gone through the effort to learn for him. It was endearing, so heart-warming, so lovely to just feel so loved and cared for and yet it still made Chan feel like absolute trash.

“Okay, okay, just checking. Are you heading to the pool?” Hyunjin was hovering. He wanted to say something, but wasn’t. He was waiting for Chan to open up the conversation like he always had to.

“Yeah, do you want to come with me?”

There it was.

Hyunjin’s eyes went bright and he nodded and shrugged at the same time, “sure.”
—
“How was your date with Lixie?” Hyunjin drew Chan out of his head as they walked shoulder to shoulder down the sidewalk.

That coiled up tension of anxiety coiled even tighter at the mention of the other Australian boy, but Chan managed to offer a soft, “great,” with no further explanation. And based on Hyunjin’s confused expression, his lackluster one-word answer was obviously not good enough, “it was good,” he tried again, “relaxing.”

Hyunjin didn’t answer. And Chan didn’t offer anything else. And they lapsed into silence until they made it to the pool.

Chan was dressed and ready first and he didn’t even wait for Hyunjin before slipping into the tepid water. But even swimming, which was normally his escape, couldn't keep the thoughts at bay. And when only a short time had passed and he couldn’t catch his breath despite the forced controlled breathing that swimming required, he gave up. He swam up to the side and pulled himself up and out to sit on the edge, his chest aching and burning with the effort of drawing oxygen into his lungs. It occurred to him as his vision went blurry that he knew what was happening, but no amount of calming techniques were going to be able to pull him back. He didn’t even know what he was panicking about. Hyunjin pulled up next to him, hooking his elbows up on the side of the pool next to his knees, “hyung?”

“Sorry, sorry,” he muttered.

“You okay?” Without hesitating, he pulled himself up and out of the water and was suddenly next to Chan, crouching low, hands hovering, but not touching him as if he wasn’t sure. He had a sudden flashback to the day in the studio after their Red Lights dance practice, Hyunjin crying and talking to him, just snippets of memories of Hyunjin’s panic and unsureness. It wasn't as bad as that day, but still made him feel helpless.

“I … think I’m having a panic attack,” he huffed out with a desperate panicked chuckle. He didn’t even know why. Dropping his head into his hands he tried to slow his breathing, tried to focus on the way the water felt on his shins and calves, the feeling of droplets tracking down his back, the cool air biting into his flesh. (Somewhere in the back of his mind he heard Christina’s voice explaining that sometimes when an attack crept up like this so suddenly, there was nothing he could do but ride it out - all the calming breathing and grounding techniques in the world were too little too late).

“Oh,” was all Hyunjin said at first, but he scooted closer adjusting so they were sitting hip to hip, “I - uh,” he was nervous and Chan knew he should say something to make him feel better. Snap himself out of it so Hyunjin didn’t have to take care of him like he hated doing it, “okay, um, what can I do for you?”

Chan didn’t know. So he didn’t say anything.

His chest ached and he fisted his hands through his hair, squeezing tightly, hoping the pain would be a distraction enough. It wasn't. The harsh sounds of his breaths escaping his lips were painful to listen to, even to him, so he held his breath instead.

“Hyung,” a soft voice. Even softer hands. A soft presence so close to him, “hey, hyung, I’m right here, okay? Deep breaths, yeah?” his hands were pulled from his scalp and held lightly in his lap and a body was pressed next to him, “can you lean on me? Would that be comfortable?” he didn’t answer, but didn’t seem to need to, because Hyunjin was guiding his shoulders backward until he was nestled under one of his arms, leaning into Hyunjin’s naked chest. He finally took a shuddering breath, the air rattling in his desperate lungs.

“Sorry-” Chan choked out, closing his eyes.

“It’s okay, hyung.”

That was nice to hear. That it was okay. It made breathing a little easier and his hands trembled a little less and he didn’t have to urge to cut reminders into his flesh with his fingernails that this was just another failure, another set back.

They sat like that until Chan felt like he could move oxygen to his brain in the way his lungs were supposed to and he didn’t feel like the edges of vision were going dark and the knot of some feeling in his stomach didn’t feel like it was going to lurch out of his mouth, “thanks,” he said softly instead - just a whisper.

Hyunjin’s arms reflexively tightened where they had encircled him so gently, “you want to talk about it?”

Chan didn’t.

But he knew he should.

“Sure, yeah, can we just move somewhere else?” he pushed himself up and forced himself to stand, ignoring how weak he felt. He hated that he got like this. Hated that he couldn’t have just made himself walk into the locker room, left Hyunjin in the water and dealt with this alone. Like he should have. Instead he made Hyunjin, who already said he wasn’t comfortable with this kind of emotional intimacy, have to deal with -

“Hot tub?” Hyunjin’s fingers were light and just barely grazed his elbow, but the sudden contact still made him jump and the hopeful, warm look in Hyunjin’s eyes disappeared, replaced by sadness and dejection. “sorry,” he pulled his hand away and Chan just felt awful.

“It’s fine,” Chan was so tired of how often they were apologizing to each other.

He walked away, not even waiting to see if Hyunjin followed. He slammed his feet into his pool shoes, ignoring the way the hard plastic rubbed harshly against his skin and clenched his goggles and cap tight in his hand.

And when he settled into the hot water of the hot tub, he hadn’t even bothered turning the jets on and he just sank as low as he could until just his nose and eyes were above the water - tilted his head back so his ears were below the surface and he tried to sink into the mind-numbing quiet. The lights in the room were kind of dim today. He never really fidgeted with them before, but they must have some adjustment settings - it was nice. Dim and quiet, all dark wood and fake plants along the sides of the room - a little bench where he left his shoes and complete privacy except for the frosted glass in the top half of the door.

“I’m turning the jets on,” he was pretty sure that’s what Hyunjin said, but it was all still muffled by the water in his ears. He heard the thrum of the motor which gave him just enough time to come back up before the water started bubbling.

He couldn’t even look at him, embarrassed by his behavior, but there was no going back now and if he didn’t get the words out to someone, he was going to implode as he was so close to doing just now, “my date with Felix was great and I’m freaking out about it,” he finally blurted out. He sank low into the water, so the bubbles from the jet lapped at his neck. It was hot and it made him sweat, but if he came up any farther Hyunjin was sure to see the blush that swept across his entire body.

“Oh,” Hyunjin said again, eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

“It’s been killing me. I don’t know what to do.”

“Why not talk to Felix about it?” It felt like such a simple solution, but it wasn’t. Talking to Felix meant admitting to him that he thought Felix was capable of hurting him and every rational part of his brain was telling him that of course Felix wouldn’t do that. He would never, but that didn't make the irrational parts of his brain any quieter. The nasty, sick parts that always tricked him down this dark, dangerous path of self-destruction.

“I can't,” he muttered.

“Why not?”

Chan didn’t answer.

So Hyunjin floated closer so they were occupying the same bench and sat crossed legged facing him, “Hyung?”

“I just …” how did he put it into words. He dropped his head backward with a thud, ignoring the shock of pain that traveled down his neck at the contact, “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Talk about this - how much do I tell you? Is it breaking some weird unspoken rule of multi-person relationships to tell you details if Felix and I haven’t talked about it first?”

A little blush crept across Hyunjin’s cheeks and Chan wished he could just disappear under the water all together. It was one thing when things were progressing so rapidly with Changbin and Felix, but now he was staring at Hyunjin shirtless and just so breathtakingly beautiful and he wouldn’t mind things progressing with him too, but he couldn’t handle even one night with Felix, how was he supposed to handle even more -

“Channie-hyung,” Hyunjin’s voice was soft and gentle, “I think I get it.”

Chan blinked at him.

“Whatever happened between you and Felix is between you and Felix unless you want to tell me. I mean the rest of us are pretty free with our … um, descriptions about our interactions,” Hyunjin cringed at his own words, “with each other, but you should feel comfortable sharing whatever you want. Even if it means sharing nothing.”

Chan would have very much liked to have just drowned himself into the hot tub at his words, “It’s not that I’m shy about sex, Hyunjin-ah,” he said dryly instead, “and that’s not even what happened, I just -” he cut himself off again. He didn’t want to think about sex with any of them, “this was all just so much easier when I didn’t matter,” and maybe that’s not what he should have said, but that’s ultimately what he meant.

Hyunjin didn’t say anything and Chan refused to look at him, instead just sinking even lower until the water lapped at his ear lobes and all he could hear was the bubbles and motors whirring. When the silence stretched on, he finally glanced over at the dancer whose face was dark, pinched with an unreadable emotion. He almost looked angry, “let’s just drop it, Hyunjin, I’m fine. It’s fine.”

“Channie-hyung,” he floated out in front of him, bracing one hand on either side of his head, caging him in place. Chan sat up a little straighter so the water was at his shoulders instead of his ears, “that’s not okay,” and he felt like he was being scolded, “I don’t like that you feel like that. What happened with Felix that made you feel like that? What did he do?” and he recognized then that the anger on Hyunjin’s face wasn’t at him - it was that flare of protectiveness he’d seen so many times over the past few months that sent a little flame of warmth through his chest at the idea that he was so cared for.

“He didn’t do anything I wasn’t comfortable with,” was what Chan finally settled on, “I just -” he sighed, he needed to just say it. Better Hyunjin be mad at him for insulting Felix’s character than be mad at Felix for no reason, “what if Felix decides that I’m not good enough? That the physical intimacy of our relationship comes with too many added complications - it’s too much work, too much to deal with.”

“Chan-”

“I’m fucked up, Hyunjin,” he pushed Hyunjin away, probably more harshly than he should have, but he didn’t like being trapped between his arms and he needed space to breath if this conversation was going to continue.

“You’re not fucked up.”

Chan disagreed. All of this over a fucking handjob, “I am fucked up, Hyunjin,” he settled on the bench across from him and Hyunjin didn’t follow, “I was honestly fine at first, but over the last few days I just got so overwhelmed with this idea that I’ll somehow ruin everything because I’m too much work. And I know,” he held up his hand to cut Hyunjin off who started to protest, “that I’m not being fair to Felix and every rational part of my brain is telling me that that’s not fair, but I can’t help it-”

Hyunjin cut him off again and if Chan cared, he would have teased him for not treating his hyung with respect, but Hyunjin pushed forward and gently rested his hands on Chan’s knees, “Chan-hyung, thanks for telling me.”

Chan nodded, but didn’t speak.

“We said from the beginning you could set the pace and I can probably speak for Felix and say he does not think you’re too much work, trust me,” he looked a little sheepish as he said it, ducking his head, “he had a great time.”

Chan sat up a little straighter, “he fucking told you?”

And at least Hyunjin had the decency to look embarrassed, “I mean not all the details, not anything really, just that he had a great time.”

“Oh my god, I’m leaving,” Chan was mortified.

He was half out of the water before Hyunjin latched onto his arm and yanked him back down, “no, no, no, wait, please, don’t go.”

And Chan was such a pushover when it came to him that he listened and let himself be dragged back onto the bench. He stared at him flatly, mouth set into a deep frown, “he had a good time?”

“Yes, hyung, he wouldn’t shut up about it for days and if you weren’t doing such a good job avoiding him, he would have told you so.”

“I’m not -”

“Chan.”

“Okay, fine, maybe I am a little,” a lot, “It’s just hard.”

“What is?” Hyunjin slid up next to him, sitting hip to hip was easier than looking at him when he made his soft confession.

“It’s hard unlearning things,” he shrugged, “I want to be better for everyone. I don’t want to be so much work. It was just easier when -”

“-when you and your feelings didn’t matter.”

Chan glanced over and nodded, “then I didn’t have to worry about what came next, what came after. I knew what to expect. It was what it was and then I could just move on.”

“Was that fun for you?”

“What?”

“Did you enjoy that? That kind of relationship with people.” He knew what Hyunjin was asking, in his roundabout way.

Chan just shrugged, “no,” he admitted softly, “but that was never important.”

The jets in the hottub turned off, having reached their pre-set time. It plunged them into an almost sad silence and Chan couldn’t stand it, “ready to go?” He didn't wait for an answer as he started to get out.

“Can we stay a little longer?” Hyunjin’s voice carried that gentleness it had before, soft and sweet and Chan couldn’t ever deny him so instead of grabbing his shoes and towel like he planned, he set the jets for another 20 minutes and sank back in the water.

“Thanks for telling me, hyung,” Hyunjin whispered almost so quietly that Chan didn’t hear him, “Maybe you’re right in a very small way,” Chan held his breath waiting for the anvil to drop, “the physical aspect of a relationship with you will look a little different, there’s so much you still have to unlearn, but no one thinks of it as extra work, a hardship they have to overcome or some nuisance they have to deal with. That’s not -” he huffed out a frustrated sigh, “people who really love you will always want to make sure you feel comfortable and safe and that shouldn’t ever be considered ‘work'.”

Chan didn't answer.

“Can I ask you a question?”

He nodded.

“What about your night with Felix was so different from your time with Changbin? Is there something in particular that was different?”

Chan knew.

His time with Changbin was so different - he was always in such control and Changbin liked him in control (and he liked being in control) and they hadn’t gone much past incredibly heated kisses and grinding and wandering hands and Changbin writhing against him as Chan pulled noises and pleading for more out of him. And Chan enjoyed it so much, but he never got off on it, he never really made it that far. But something about that night with Felix made him feel so vulnerable, so open and raw and Felix went through so much to make sure he was comfortable and made sure he felt good and it … freaked him out. But he didn’t know how to say any of that to Hyunjin. So he didn’t, “I … don’t want to answer that.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin shrugged.

“I thought you said you were bad at talking about feelings.”

“Maybe bad at feelings,” Hyunjin smirked at him, “But great at sex,” he said it with that teasing, flirtatious tone and a bat of his eyelashes and Chan didn’t even have the energy to flush red at the comment. He just rolled his eyes and sent a splash of water into his face that left him sputtering.

“Fucking menace,” was all he said in response, but he slumped down against him and settled his head on his shoulder and sighed contently, “thanks for listening to me whine about this.”

“You weren’t whining, just learning.”

“Okay,” he paused a beat, “maybe I should talk to Felix.”

He felt Hyunjin press a kiss into the top of his head before resting his cheek against him, “you probably should.”
—-
So Chan did. And he felt like an asshole. Felix’s eyes all wide and bright with worry at just the idea that he made Chan uncomfortable, “we literally never have to do anything like that again. It wasn’t even my intention, it just sort of happened in the heat of the moment and I swear I wasn’t trying to manipulate you into anything.” Felix said so urgently sitting across from him in his bed.

“I know, Lix, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I had a great time. I really enjoyed it. Promise.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, that’s not what I was in my head about.”

“Then what was it?”

Chan hesitated and dropped his eyes to his lap, compulsively running his nails across his thumb, “in hindsight, it’s so stupid.”

“Chris.”

“You just were … very nice and very kind and I enjoyed our night together a lot - obviously - and I just got into my head later that it must be so annoying for you to have to be so nice and kind and have to metaphorically hold my hand about stuff like this and how is me getting off any fun for you at all?” he knew his face was red and he was speaking far too quickly, but he had to just come out and say it if they were going to talk about this, be in a relationship like this.

“Chris…” Felix’s face was sad, eyes damp, blinking rapidly at Chan’s confession. And now Chan just felt even worse, “I’ll always be nice to you,” he scooted closer until their knees were touching, hesitated a fraction of a second before just launching himself forward, arms coming up to wrap around his neck. Unprepared, Chan just managed to catch him before falling backwards onto the bed with an oomph.

It was somehow easier in this position, not having to look at Felix’s face which was smashed into his chest, “I think I just … had a hard time feeling so out of control. In the moment, it was great, I just got stuck in my head later and spiraled and this probably makes no sense whatsoever and I’m just making a big deal out of nothing.”

“It does make sense, Chris, and you don’t have to feel bad about getting in your head about it,” Felix pushed off his chest to hover over him, “Sex should always be fun for both parties - if it’s not then the person you’re with is actually a trash human that deserves to have their dick stuck in a garbage disposal.”

“Jesus christ, Felix,” he wasn’t sure why it was so funny, but the graphic image Felix just conjured made him laugh, “you’ve been hanging out with Minho too much.” Felix settled back down on his chest, wrapping his arms and legs around him and snuggling in as close as he could. It drew a sigh of contentment out of Chan. He felt better having gotten the words out, “I theoretically understand what you’re saying, Felix,” he finally said softly “I just sometimes … forget.”

Felix’s arms tightened around him, “I’m happy to remind you as often as you need,” he pressed a kiss into his neck, “and not to be crude, but I would do that night over and over and over again, you are so fucking hot,” the compliment hit him right in the core, his face suddenly on fire and he pushed Felix off of him on reflex.

“Agh, knock it off, ‘Lix,” he muttered, embarrassed.

“Okayokayokay,” he settled back against him, “sorry, sorry, I forgot you’re allergic to compliments even when they’re true,” Chan grumbled a little under his breath, but didn’t argue with him, “Chris,” the joking tone was gone, “I love you and making you feel good makes me feel good - that’s how it’s supposed to be, okay?”

Chan took to long to answer, because Felix was hovering over him again, a forearm braced above his head, noses almost touching, “Chris,” and his lips were stuck in a soft little pout and his freckles stood out so brightly this close and Chan couldn’t stop himself from carding his finger through his hair and tugging experimentally as he brought his mouth up to meet his. Felix grunted softly at the sensation and melted against him, “Chris…” he whined his name out.

“Okay, I got it,” Chan whispered back and he thought about pulling away, but he liked the way Felix was stretched out against, legs entangled with barely any space to breathe between them, “thank you,” he finally broke the contact.

Felix’s eyes were still closed and he had a content look on his face, relaxed and pleased, “for what?” he blinked his eyes open.

Chan shrugged because he felt like what he was thanking for was too profound and complicated to put into words, “for … everything.”

Felix leaned in for another kiss, “you’re welcome.”

And if they didn’t leave his bed for another hour nobody thought anything of it.