Archive of Our Own ^beta

To Ianthe 

This would be so much easier if I hated you. You deserve it, you know? After betraying me like that? You deserved losing your right arm too. And what are you even doing, leaving me in the middle of this fucking jungle for five weeks? That’s almost as long as it took for our hearts to beat together for the first time! And you promised that was how they’d stay, till death do us part!

So what was it, cause I know it wasn’t Babs. You’d hated him at first sight, when he walked into our gardens with those fugly jeans of his. Remember when you made him burn them? Poor thing looked almost as sad as when you were ripping out his heart. It should have been mine! I wanted it, Ianthe, I wanted it more than you could know. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME! 

My heart in your hands. My soul next to yours. It would only be fair, that you sniff out my life after I almost killed you before we even drew breath. That my sacrifice gave you eternity, after you exhausted yourself to keep me like this. That my death freed you from my shadow. So why, why keep me alive, and away from you? The one place you knew I could never stand to be.

Please tell me it wasn’t the Ninth. Anything but that. I hate how your eyes sparkled when she called you a vulture. I’d only seen that sparkle once before. When I gave myself to you, to use and reshape to your will. It was everything I wanted, everything I deserved. And your dull eyes shone for the first time and it felt like our hearts were one.

Do you remember that day? How you made me beg and how I dropped to my knees. You wrapped your right hand around my chin and made me look into your eyes. “You will be perfect” you whispered, your voice so hoarse with desire I felt myself melt fully under your touch. And then came the pain. Did you leave anything as it was? Besides my eyes, was there a single thing left unchanged? Anything you didn’t find to be beneath your standards? But I didn’t mind, how could I, after all I’d already taken from you, it was only fair to let you dig into me, it felt good, it felt fair. 

Here, solitude is so rare, but the few times I could be alone with myself, my memory wandered to that day, my hands tracing over all the places your fingers buried into, wishing you were here to remake me again, into a shape more fitting for the place you abandoned me in. Wishing you’d pierce my skin so we could bathe in my blood as you worked your craft, wishing at the end, you’d kneel between my legs as you did back then, to drink of all the things my body gave so willingly to you. 

Do you think of me too, wherever you are? Or has the nun truly stolen your heart? She’s everything you wanted, isn’t she? Everything I could never be, at least. Were you jealous of me sister, as your hands remade my body and I convulsed from the pleasure and the pain? Did you wish for someone to do the same to you, tearing you to pieces, remaking you so your sight was more comely to them? Is that what you’re hoping will happen, that she will give you all the things I couldn’t, that she will hurt you in ways that were beyond me? 

And what then? Will you still be wearing the same face, when I see you again? I know it won’t matter, how could it when it’s you.