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john marston was all that circled in my mind today. he aint one to lie but he also aint one to be truthful, i reckon he wont be too happy to see me after all these years. i think im a fool, for even loving him in the first place, you know what? i think its fucked that he was playing two cards at once and he picked the wrong card, i hope it stays in his rotten head, he wont get the chance to play me like a fool again, never am i letting that happen.
john followed in dutchs steps, not hoseas and he knows it deep down. arthur was always a saint in his heart at least thats what i believe, charles helped him believe it too, then he died. i dont think i could’ve helped him stay alive, he was gonna die regardless of what i did but i knew that maybe me and john couldve been something if i did do the right thing … im lying to myself again aint i? john loved abigail, still a fuckhead for leading me on and making me help him all those years, piece of shit.
i coughed roughly almost sounding like a bark, then stood still as i heard gunfire starting. shit, its him isnt it? fucking bastard, i whispered and looked around this place. i rushed to the stairs nearly slipping like a baby trying to learn how to walk, i busted through the wooden door and shut it … well slamming it shut.
“where the fuck—shit-shit..!”
i snarled as i stomped around the creaking old wood. fucking marston, he has no right to come see me, i bet its for money. i leaned against the boxes and lit up a cigarette, hoping that this wasnt my last one for my entire lifetime.
for the first time, again.
dutch or well, i think thats his name. the rain was dripping down my hair and slowly dripped onto his shirt, my “shirt” was wrenched in dirt and sweat, my hair was greased and fucked, and my skin was rough and bloody.
“dutch is back! … with .. chickens and a..child?”
a voice was heard, but sounded like nonsense to me. americans are weird, mean, and stupid. i saw a boy who seemed to look like the same age as me, 14-16 maybe. i sighed softly waking up from my little daydream, couldve lasted longer if these … people weren’t screaming in my ear.
“who the hell is this!”
“son-son, calm down, hes just like you! .. just tanner and probably smarter, i can feel it.”
i didnt understand anything really, though.. son? felt somewhat familiar i remember hearing it when he was talking to me… just dont know what it means. the boy who looked my age was screaming and nearly crying when he saw me, do i look that bad? i scoffed softly and looked around, this place doesnt look too bad after all! … sorta sad but looks nice. people were doing work, women and men and they look like they dont even mind it! thought i wouldnt see that in a long time, usually everyone would be moaning and bitchin at mexico … i miss mexico.
“…wh-.. whats that supposed to mean! fath-dutch!!”
“it means!… you can learn a few things from em! he looks like a smart kid john.”
i stumbled off the horse and let the chickens run off to where ever they needed to go. i analyzed the boy and the man in front of me, the boy had .. alright hair, and messy pirate looking clothes but he made it look good somehow. the man was nicely dressed, i loved every bit of it, nice hair, though he smells a bit freakish.
i turned to the camp and tried my best to mute the yelling, 3 campfires, i couldnt really tell how much tents there were and werent, 5 guns under one tent and im assuming it was for guarding, there was around 4 girls, 3 the same looking age and one older, at least 5+ men, and speaking of men one is coming my way!…
“n’ whos this dutch?”
“mexico fella! - he was robbin chickens just like me, funny aint it?!”
“yeah..cant wait to hear hosea tellin that story a million times!…”
“m’ make sure he does! hah! n’ways, go get em a pair of clothes from my closet, sure he’d look good with mine…aint want em lookin like a…pirate like little johnny ere.”
“yeah ya…”
the boy had became silent and stared at me while tilting his head as if i was a… creature trying to make friends … which i basically was, nonetheless i put on a small smile and did a small wave … not getting it back i rolled my eyes and flipped him off. i followed the taller man, he had decent looking clothes, not my taste but it was good enough, and darkish blondish hair. he sat on the cot and pointed at the clothes giving me a good selection. i picked a dark blue vest mixed with black, white shirt with rolled up sleeves, red scarf, and black pants.
the women had washed my hair and gave me a rubber band to tie my hair, i didnt know how to say thank you so hugging was my best option. they giggled slightly it didnt seem like it was at me so i was glad, i hated it when i could tell when people laughed at me. i walked back to dutch? and looked around for an order, i didnt like seeing others do work and im just getting practically treated like a woman. he pointed to a older looking man he dressed like a old man too.
i hate words, i hate americans, i hate america, and i hate everything here. what is the point of this? why can’t everyone else just learn how to speak spanish? its a better language anyway!
“he..hello?”
i mumbled out as i stared into the book and at hosea, that was his name right? he seemed happy so im assuming it was correct so that made me happy too!
“now! say your name!”
i tilted my head at the first word but i understood the rest, this isnt so bad i guess… i just wish it wasnt so hard and stupid!
“hell-o..my name is…javier escuella.”
i choked out but he still looked happy and im assuming i also still looked happy. he patted my head and closed the book, i sighed in relief and returned the smile as he patted my head like im a dog. i was lead to a tent with another man, he looked around 30 or 27-29. i was given a union suit, it was .. ugly so i made it look pretty with the accessories i was given. i fell to my knees and then onto my stomach, falling asleep slowly.
weeks later !
i sat on a rock facing the sunset, it was pretty, cute, beautiful… though a sunset wasnt seen as it faded into a blue sky. i coughed and looked at john who smiled at me, havent seen that at all… i returned it and did a small wave then turned back to see the sky turn blue.
“javier!!…that ya name right?…”
“huh?..oh-yeah…?”
“… look-wanna steal a bottle for me? your new! they will let you off!!…please?”
“ehhh… you sure t-they will?…i dont wanna-mess this up you know?”
“yes-yes! im sure! you are basically a dutch 2.0!”
“uhm-okay…”
i rubbed my neck and walked to the back of the “food” wagon, since i saw john there wiggling around there earlier… before he got scolded by hosea. i fake coughed and grabbed a bottle … perhaps one for me too… and maybe a pack of cigarettes. i had quickly rushed back to john and gave the bottle, he smiled like a idiot and patted me on the shoulder.
“you truly are useful!…ay-i told you just the bottle buttt..we can share a cigarette too!”
“huh-oh-yeah yeah, sure.”
i smiled softly, i grabbed his wrist and dragged him behind a few trees. we both slowly slid down the tree and sat together, we never really shared a moment like this … not that i wanted to. he passed me a match to light up the cigarette, the fire was pretty, i stared at the fire and the boy in front of me, i never thought i could find a boy beautiful. the cigarette was lit and before i could give one to john he took the one in my mouth.
“y-your not gonna have your own?..”
“hu-oh!—um, yeah-sor-sorry.”
his face was heating and his breathing was getting heavy, i could tell from his chest and his face, the sunlight making his face glow rather nicely. i smiled and rolled my eyes, taking the cigarette back. he looked nervous like as if he was trying to ask a question, i could see him waddling with his fingers from the corner of my eye, the few strands of my hair just slightly covering half of it. i blew smoke his way and gave him the offer of the cigarette again, i took tiny sips of the bottle i’ve gotten for myself, john hadnt even took one sip … what a asshole, risked it for nothing!
“have you…like—ever kissed someone?-javier?”
“hm? oh, no..not at all..”
“well…do you..would you wanna try with me?”
i stared at him, the hat just barely covering his eyes, his somewhat greasy hair, his light skin. he was blushing a lot, more than i was… it was cute, just like him. i smiled and tilted my head at him, trying to decide of i tease or be nice, after all he was sorta sobbing at my appearance.
“why? you think im pretty?”
“i- well..yeah..is-is that wrong of me?”
“i…guess not..”
“so…would you?”
i cleared my throat, i havent really … kissed anyone, at least from my memory, i dont recall kissing anyone.. especially a boy. i took his hat and lifted it off, tossing it to the side so i can see the beautiful eyes that had been covered. i tilted my head with him, the hard tree giving my head a headache though it was cut out from eye contact. i nodded softly as i leaned in, lips connected and eyes were shut, it felt like it lasted forever or thats how i wanted it to feel. he was first to pull away as expected, his eyes were half masted as he stared like as if he didnt mean to. a smile crept up onto my lips.
“is this what you wanted john?”
“i… assume so.”
thud. thud. thud.
“cmon…we were-family.”
javier choked out, family was a complete joke. i and him have practically had and have been dating, if me “betraying” him was a breakup unless it wasnt, i suppose our breakup wasn’t actually confirmed, not that we were public in any means.
“…yeah, we were. till you and dutch went crazy.”
i had swallowed back his embarrassment and sorrow. i chuckled though… john seemed like he knew it was fake, and i damn well knew it too. he always had a way of seeing through me like a crystal ball one way or another, i suppose thats why we couldnt stay mad at each other for long. abigail wasnt me, never will be me, never has been me. john and me were more than john and abigail ever were, if they are even accepted as a husband and wife. i guess john saw differently after getting jack back, i wonder how the boy is now. i tried to open my mouth ever so slightly but i couldnt even get a noise or peep out.
“and family didnt mean so much.”
i hope by family he meant him and arthur, i never forgave myself after finding out what happened, as if i ever considered forgiving myself. me and john werent family, never were, never meant to. family dont kiss each other while looking into the sunset, i remember at clemens point i had threatened john i would throw him into the water if he hadnt kissed me well enough, he was drunk which is why he was so scared. i laughed though i wasnt sure if it was from the memory or if it was more so a desperate call for help. why couldn’t john see that i needed help, needed someone, i needed john, i has john but pouncing onto him like a wild cougar when he wants me gone i know he would put the bullet in me like a snake.
“come on, hermoso…i think we should go our separate ways eh?”
i smiled lightly and it was real, i dont recall smiling like for real … its been a long time, i couldn’t remember when, maybe when we had last kissed, i dont actually think it was genuine … we were drunk at jacks welcome home party, the last kiss we had before i had been left behind like a dirty dog. the gun went down slowly and i felt less tense. i could hear his loud breathing from here and it was strangely clear how i could see john struggle to breathe or keep this “tough guy” act, it never suit him. i hated seeing him like this, hes not tough, hes still a man who cant even carry himself, like a fawn, can barely even stand on two legs.
“what you and dutch did was wrong…and the way you left me was wrong.”
i tensed up again, this greasy fuck really knows how to push and break me like a pencil. the worst thing is … is that hes right but he shouldnt be. i left him but hes ignoring why i had to and it pushes me off the edge like a robber who failed to escape. he wont even let me try to address or reason why it happened or why i did it. if i tried to side with him i wouldve been shot in the skull in seconds and i couldnt just betray dutch like that, he helped me more times i can even count. im one to be loyal to people who tend to help me out, last time i checked it was dutch helping me and not john. he doesnt have a right to be saying anything about whats wrong and whats right, he doesnt know the first thing about wrongs and rights.
“it…wasnt- look you dont understand john.”
and now im struggling with my words, im a fool and a idiot. i didnt bother to call him beautiful anymore, he didnt acknowledge it then and he wont ever acknowledge it now. it used to make him grin like a dork and now hes just soulless and empty. i could see him already blowing smoke out of his ears, i tried to step backwards but turns out im bumping into this stupid table.
“then tell me, what went wrong?! what happened!”
he shouted and stepped forward but it sounded like a choked sob, it hurt like a bullet and i figured he might as well just put the bullet inside. lobito, little wolf … i still remember saving him from wolves at least once or twice, second time he actually got a scar and it still stayed after all these years, how could someone make a scar look pretty? without even trying.
“…i couldnt side with them lobito!”
he sighed as he felt the salty tear rush down his cheek, the tanned, ugly, tough skin. he missed how pretty he looked but now he was just a broken record waiting to be played again… just like how the piece of shit in front of me just simply played me! …
“dont you fucking call me that!—you wanted to save your own skin.”
he trailed his eyes to the spurs on johns boots to his non greasy hair. now i cant make fun of how im cleaner and softer, shame… he used to comment on how im lucky for being able to keep my appearance well maintained, i still remember having to wash his hair every week was always a pain. he got scared the first time i did it… something about me drowning him. i wonder if he can swim now.
“so you prefer me getting shot? i wouldn’t be caught dead by dutch or that rat bastard.”
i shouted back, i wasnt one to talk back to the big old john marston, until now when hes nearly clawing and biting at my already scarred neck. other people saw the scar by chance but i reckon john was the first to be allowed to touch it or see it without it being covered immediately… he always commented on how it was beautiful and it shouldn’t be hidden no matter what, guess thats why i kept it hidden now.
“not even for me?! hell, calling us family?!—we were more than that and you know it.”
i laughed out nearly barking but john knew it was pain, full of pain and thorns. like he has a right to talk about family, can barely even keep one for himself… seeing how he looked like nowadays, it seems like he can carry himself .. at least thats what im assuming. i remember him crying to me about abigail at least once a week saying he was never gonna be good enough for her but i dont recall him saying anything about having me.
“clearly that wasnt the plan!—you loved her more than me-you loved her ever since you saw her!”
i sobbed, here came the waterfall. i dont ever think ive cried in johns arms it was always him in mine… thats how it was. i aint one to cry anyways, but i sure needed it … especially losing the family i had and needed. i wonder if dutch is still.. okay in the head, i believe that hes okay and well… at least right now in this moment.
“oh hell! like you have ANY clue to talk about plans! you idiotic ass!…you know that aint true javi-javier.”
that was a bullet for sure, cant even say my name without sounding like a toddler. he sounds just like me trying to learn english…pathetic and dumb. the way he used to say my name was always cute… always gave my heart a fuzzy warm feeling, now its just sad, makes me hate my name more than i do.
“you cant even say my name you perro!”
i cried more, more and more. i could hear the tears dripping onto the wood, im being pathetic and weak… i wiped the tears off and onto my dirty sleeves. i felt my legs tremble and shake just from sobbing, did i really get this weak?
“javier, i love you more than anything in the world n’ you know it damn well.”
john snarled back when the sentence was meant to be gentle, how are you that terrible? no wonder why abigail doubted him. i rolled my eyes and leaned onto the table for support, i felt my knees ready to give up at any moment.
“i dont know that completely cabron.”
the gun was back at pointing at my head and i was ready to press the trigger myself. john had always pulled out the gun on me for fun so i could tell him that he pulled it out faster than anyone in the world… he believed it until he was 18, though it seems that it actually has gotten faster.
“you want this bullet in ya fuckin skull?-you know it! and you are gonna tell me you know it javier.”
i smiled again and put a hand over my face, trying to desperately cover the smile. whenever i used to smile john would to… it was always our… “little thing” out of our other million “little things”
“so...you’re threatening me now?”
my eyes were so wet that i couldn’t even see properly… i put the hand resting on my face to resting on the table, i could tell john was analyzing my every move.
“…yeah, i am. so tell me! tell me you know i love you!”
i wanted this bullet in my heart, skull, and everywhere. im sick of this, sick of whatever charade john was playing.
“id rather be shot now.”
“n’ id rather shoot myself right now but i cant javier.”
“and why cant you.”
“because i need you to … i came here to get you swung, not for a check up…so make this easy for both of us.”
i scoffed… i knew john was a asshole but this is just plain nasty, talking about family and love then saying this wasnt a checkup, he came for more and we both know it.
he dropped the gun and cleared his throat, i sighed in relief but i tilted my head in confusion. talking about getting me swung then dropping his gun? still confusing as he was before.
“im not here to kill you javier.”
“sure looks like it lobito.”
“quit trying to play this lover act javi, never suited you.”
“even when we kissed?”
“oh hell with you-we were just…practicing.”
“what about those other times hermoso?”
i smiled as john had stepped closer. he grabbed my head and pressed our foreheads together, we closed our eyes in sync… a kiss had been placed on my forehead softly though i know that it probably wasnt so enjoyable for john due to me not being … cleaner anymore. it was cute and soft before he opened his mouth.
“i love you javi, but we cant make this work… at least.. not anymore.”
he chuckled as he felt his breath slowly distancing from himself. kissed my forehead, touching foreheads, and ive been a idiot again.
“so…you just- kissed my forehead and told me you loved me just to…let me down again?”
“i… assume so.”
i smiled as my energy pushed itself to lean into john, the arms clung onto my waist like john wasnt gonna just tie me up and sell me out. i dont have much to live for anyway … might as well make the most of it.
“m’ sorry javi, i am.”
“…i aint..believe that but-mokay.”
i heard a giggle before a kiss was placed onto my lips, soft, gentle, and warm… just like how i remember it. i sighed as i felt a knife being pushed into my stomach… i fell to my knees or well john fell down but didnt complain for some reason, my breath hitched as i rested my head on his shoulder. the knife slipped out like butter, surprised he didnt just let it stay there. i cried onto the shoulder trying to get out any sort of words … i felt my breathing disappearing from me.
“i love you john.”
“i love you javier.”
and my breathing stopped.