Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Gig starts in five. Where the heck is Steve?” A crew member shouts nervously backstage, looking for Steve everywhere. ABBA’s Lay All Your Love On Me is blasting in front as interval music which heats the crowd up pretty well. The screaming along to the lyrics is impossible not to hear.

It is Steve’s last gig of his tour. Or Zour as his fans love to call it. Nowhere else than in Hawkins itself. The root of all evil. The End of Beginning some would say. The place Steve pledged to never ever set foot in again. But, here he is at the Hideout in his little backstage room, preparing himself mentally for the hardest performances of his life.

He knows all of his friends will be here, supporting him no matter what. He also knows many other people will be here, people he definitely doesn't want to see. Ever again. People he left behind a long time ago. But still, they will probably be among the crowd and most likely recognize themselves in one or two songs.

A glance in the mirror tells him how awful he looks. Two deeply tired eyes look back at him. They seem to hold several days’ lack of sleep. They weren't completely wrong though, Steve indeed hasn't slept well in the last few weeks. How, when his life was literally on the road, driving through numerous cities, singing his heart out almost every night? He loves his job, he loves singing and songwriting, playing his guitar but hates the tour bus all the more. His face appears drawn and pale under the mirror light. He can absolutely not go on stage like this. Not if he looks like a corpse. Panic boils up slowly. Is he even able to do it? Unleash all the pain he has borne with him all these years? Live in front of all these people? Steve has done it so many times but never had any of the people he sang about been present. At least, not as far as was aware of. And this here is a totally different shot.

If Robin sees him like this-

“What are you still doing here?” The door swings open and an extremely pissed Robin rushes in.

“You should be on stage in like-”, she looks down on her wristwatch, “-by now! Your gig is going to- Holy Guacamole, Steve! What is wrong with your face?” She comes closer to Steve, eyes him skeptically. “Did you even sleep?”

“Do you want an honest answer or the standard one?”

Robin rolls her eyes, takes some make-up from the desk in front of her and does what best friends do when their platonic soulmate is in misery. Saving Steve’s as- look. Obviously.

“Why didn’t you say anything? I mean as in you can’t sleep. Or haven’t a bit since who knows how long.” Robin puts a small pump of concealer on her ring finger and smudges it on the dark circles under Steve’s eyes. Trusting it will cover them as good as possible.

“Because otherwise you would’ve freaked out. You’re doing a lot for me anyways. More than I could ask for.” Steve shuts his eyes, trying to relax a bit while Robin does god's work. “Like, right now? I didn’t want to bother you yet again.”

Because Robin wasn’t just his other half, his sister from another mister but also his ‘shoulder for a good cry’, his therapist, his caretaker… simply his best friend and platonic soulmate.

“Well, it looks like you are bothering me yet again since you are certainly in need of my help, dingus.” Robin says sarcastically. And of course she is right. As always. Sometimes, Steve couldn’t even imagine how he could’ve survived on his own without her for so long. He knows it technically. But that’s another story.

She grabs a brush and some powder to set the final look. Robin examines her masterpiece with satisfaction and turns Steve around so he can take a glimpse at it as well.

“And you’re done! Instantly looking less like some freaky, other dimensional creep”, she says proudly. Steve would have loved to get a piece of that confidence of hers secretly. It would help a lot to sooth his anxiety.

“Thanks. Charming as always.” Steve rolls his eyes and stands up, inspects her amazing work. He really looks much more human now. Steve mades a mental note to thank her properly later. Right now, he really needs to be on stage asap. He has allowed himself too much off-time. 

ABBA’s sound softly fainted in the meantime and Steve perceives dull drum and distorted guitar sounds. His band mates started their opener which he definitely should be present at.

He turns to Robin with a weak little smile. “Thanks. Really. I would be doomed without you.”

“I know.” Robin says with the biggest grin on her face. “Come on, your fans are waiting.”

A deep sigh escapes Steve’s lips. There is no turning back. 

With the biggest smile he can manage, Steve steps on stage. At first, it’s hard to see anything. The spotlight burns down on him, leaving everything else in the shadows. It takes a few minutes for his eyes to adjust to the brightness of the headlights but the roaring crowd is not to be ignored. It becomes even louder as he stands in front of the mic. A spare minute follows, Steve is finally able to see the crowd who showed up. The whole town has gathered. Great.

Steve takes his guitar off of the stand and puts the strand around his neck. He looks left and right, Sooz and Kyle not paying any attention to him being late, too focused on feeling the music. Same goes for Jonny behind him. Dash’ the only one whose gaze he can feel on his back, trying to ignore it as best as possible. 

The others slowly come to an end while Steve prepares for their first song. He takes a deep breath. It’s Showtime.

“Good evening Hawkins!” He is impressed that he gets his voice to be steady. That’s a success. The crowd is screaming and shouting. It seems like nobody notices his discomfort. Perfect.

“Thank you all so much for coming and taking your path all the way here to the Hideout!” The screams are getting louder.

“Me and the band are extremely happy to have you here tonight. But before we get started, I’d like to say some words first.” All eyes are on him. There’s no going back.

“As you may know, this is gonna be my last gig for now.” An uncomfortable silence spreads across the audience with a pinch of high expectations. Every single person is watching Steve and Steve alone and he can’t tell if he likes it or not.

“What I started here in Hawkins, I wanted to bring to an end in Hawkins. I would like to thank you all for your massive and impressive support over the years. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.” A giant sincere smile sneaks on his face. The words come from the bottom of his heart. Steve is forever grateful for this opportunity given to him. This is the dream he dreamed of since his childhood. “So let’s have fun, okay?”

The crowd is stoked, clapping their hands, screaming loudly. Some in the front row even shed one or two tears.

Concerts are always emotional to Steve but this one especially. It definitely earns a special place in his heart.

In the earlier days it was fairly strange to Steve that others would identify themselves with his songs. The fact someone recognizes themself in a lyric or two is still kinda odd. He is writing them for himself in the first place. To be able to cope with all the pain, all the grief and all the love he experienced in his life. With everything he gathered and locked away carefully. Somewhere deep down inside him.

So one day he started writing. The first few tries are little snippets of his everyday life. How he felt that day, what he experienced. Simple things such as his surroundings or thoughts buzzing around in his head. All of them out of context. All of them tangled without any sign of disentanglement.

Slowly and after some time these fragments made more and more sense until his very first song was written. Steve grabbed his guitar in an instant and figured out what he wanted the song to sound like really quickly. He positioned his phone, opened the voice memo app and hit record.

He needed this, he needed this song like air to breathe. Something solid in his life, something he could hold in his hands and say ‘I made this’, something self-made to process his feelings, something to be proud of, something to cling onto. Something nobody could take away from him. Ever again.

It took awhile for him to realize that not only him, but many more broken souls lived out there. That he wasn’t the only one to suffer and the songs, his songs, would help not only him but others too. The words he has written, the melodies he has played were understood by so many more people than he could’ve ever imagined.

While still in his thoughts, the first muffled tones resonate from the synthesizers. The dull sound rushes through his ears. Steve can feel the vibration of the bass pulsing through the ground. It is an astonishing feeling.

One last check of his IEM before Steve grabs the mic with both hands and sings the first notes.

In my bed, on my phone

Locked away, free to go

TV on, every night

Scrolling on

The drums accentuate the tunes coming from the speakers smoothly. It isn’t the most difficult rhythm but Bass, Hi-Hat and synthesizer are in absolute harmonic sync with each other.

The amount of time Steve has spent alone at home. His parents traveled and left him all by himself, forgetting he was there or even existed. And if they honored the city and house with their presence they simply weren’t bothered by him being there.

One incident burned itself clearly into Steve’s brain. It almost cost him his domestic peace. Or at least the tiny bit existent.

He was around 13, maybe 14 years old. Steve was at Tommy’s, his best and only friend when he was younger. They knew each other from childhood. Tommy H wasn’t anything special (according to Steve’s parents) but Tommy’s parents had a great reputation that’s why the Harringtons tolerated him. In addition Tommy had this disgusting mannerism ingratiating himself in everyone's life. And two things Steve’s parents loved the most were people with reputation and flattery. Do both and boom - you wrapped them around your finger successfully.

That fateful evening Steve had already sensed something was off the moment he arrived at home. Something disastrous was in the air. As if the wind had changed. His senses sharpened in an instant. Still outside the doorway he could hear Lauren Harrington’s high pitched voice, yelling louder and louder. 

Carefully, Steve turned the door knob as slow as possible to not draw his parents’ attention to him trying to sneak into the house. He hoped they would solve their argument without bringing him into it. Every time they clashed he begged to be left in the cold. Because in the end he was always the one to blame.

Steve took off his shoes with a speed and soundlessness others could get jealous of. He was so well trained it only took him twenty seconds. Another ten seconds to go from the hall stand to the stairway. And then fifteen to get up to his room. He could do it. He did it many times before. But before Steve could reach the stairway both of his parents screamed his name.

Steve stopped dead in his tracks. He then slowly turned to face the parlor which he approached with insecure steps. The parlor was huge. Unbelievably huge. In the middle of the room was a coffee table out of massive wood, in front of and on the left a loveseat and sofa made out of leather in wine red. To the right a big flatscreen on a TV stand. A few feet behind the sofa and nearly at the wall was a long dining table with room for twelve people to sit. Opposite of where Steve was standing was a big fireplace where dancing flames and radiating heat transmitted something domestic and secure. Only Steve knew it was nothing like that. He could feel his parents' coldness from his position. It made the whole room chilly.

Mr and Mrs Harrington were standing behind the furniture each with their arms crossed in front of them. 

“Where’ve you been?” Richard asked harshly.

“At Tommy’s. I wrote a note before I-”

“You were meant to be at home an hour ago.” Lauren interrupted him sharply.

Steve’s eyes focused on his feet on the ground. They suddenly felt so heavy. As if someone had put a prisoner shackle around his ankle. Anxiety started to well up.

“I told you, he’s unreliable. And you’re planning to pass the company to him one day?”

“It’s not my fault your son is irresponsible.”

Lauren’s eyes widened, seemingly shocked from her husband's words. “My son? Rather yours! ‘Cause he is as irresponsible as you!”

Steve stood there, still looking down and still incapable of moving or saying anything. He could do nothing about being blamed and humiliated by these two people he unfortunately called his parents.

He was used to these kinds of quarrels from Lauren and Richard Harrington but for no specific reason, those words hurt him. More than any other day. His anxiety level rose and with that his adrenaline as well.

He, for one, knew he wasn’t irresponsible. He always did as his parents told him. He always tried and did his best to be the perfect son they always wished for. Which they never got. They never told Steve, but he knew he wasn’t planned. An accident. He was the worst thing to happen to the Harrington’s in their all so perfectly planned life. That’s why they never cared about his needs and only looked after their own. Because they tried to ignore this accident as much as possible.

But Steve had enough. He didn’t want to leave his parents in the right. He wanted to show that he indeed wasn’t as they thought. 

He took the wave of adrenaline and jumped on it, semi confident. He made one step towards his parents. Then another. And another until he stood right before them.

Steve took all the courage he could find. “I am not irresponsible!” 

Lauren’s and Richard’s piercing gaze was hard to sustain yet Steve managed it.

He was a bit proud of him. He never tried it before because he knew the conse-

SLAP!

A sharp collision of skin to skin. An aching sting. Steve’s left cheek suddenly felt warm and tingly. His slightly shaking hand searched for the piercing pain running from his face through his entire body. His adrenaline level was at its highest due to the shock coming from the unforeseen event.

“Never interrupt your mother. Ever again. Do you understand?”  Richard looked furious. His palm was bright red where it had collided with Steve's face. 

“I… I’m…” Steve stuttered, a quiet whine escaped his mouth. His confidence from earlier vanished as fast as it had appeared. “I’m sorry…”

Another slap. This time it struck his eye.

“What did you just say? Repeat yourself, I can’t hear your words over all the whining.” Richard’s facial expression was blank. Like he didn’t just blacken his son’s eye.

“My apologies, sir!” Steve’s eyes filled with silent tears. 

If he dared to cry now... It would make everything worse than it was.

One of the things Richard Harrington hated the most was weakness. Steve couldn’t show more than he already had. Before he could worsen the already fiery situation he turned heels and rushed up into his bedroom, door shutting behind him.

He heard his parents shouting something after him, but he couldn’t understand what exactly. Last bits of the adrenaline flowing through Steve's veins let him hear his heartbeat thousand times louder in his ears while his feet carried him to his bed where he collapsed in a beat.

His whole body shivered. In and out, he told himself. Deep breaths. In and out. Steve tried to regulate his breathing, to be the strong son his father wished for, to not cry. But he couldn’t. His eyes filled up. Tears ran down his heated cheeks, cooling them a bit. Steve grabbed the nearest clothing his hands could find to stuff it in his mouth. His parents shouldn’t hear him cry. They shouldn’t know he couldn’t keep himself together. 

They shouldn’t have the reassurance he was weak.

Your family is in your thoughts,

our hearts goes out to you

Say a prayer, light a digital candle and then scroll away

Steve was pulled back to the present. He always drifted away way too fast while singing. 

The music builds up more and more. Alongside the changing synthesizer tones were audio recordings from Mr and Mrs Harrington Steve have recorded from his mailbox. He kept them extra low and unrecognizable but it gave the song a personal and different twist. A deeper one. The sudden descending string sequence he inserted gave the whole melody another quirk. 

Jonny, his band mate, is a god at the synth who always understands what Steve wanted certain parts to sound like before Steve knew himself. He is grateful to have Jonny.

Something is about to break

The fault line has been fractured

Maybe it’s not too late

To learn how to love each other

Steve has tried hundreds and thousands of times to do something against this cleft in his family. And yet it seemed hopeless. Lauren and Richard Harrington made his life a living hell on earth and tried to remind him he was unwanted every second of his existence.

This unspoken loneliness Steve has experienced at such a young age shortly became his one and only best friend. Sure he had Tommy, but this was something different. He learned fast that the only person he could rely on was nobody else but himself. Him alone.

Dash hits the drums like his life depends on it. His solo is the perfect crescendo the tune needs to take the song to its climax. He again leans forward and the drums stop to leave Steve’s voice alone with the keys as background music.

It’s just you and me now, ah

In my phone, it’s my world

I see the future sitting in my hand

Take a break, go to bed

Mind is racing, baby, now I’m back

Baby, now I’m back

The song goes back to its signature theme mid lyric. Steve has never thought he could escape this isolated and lonesome life he had as a child until much later. He really thought that it was going to be like that until he died. To be fair he was only 13. Still, he did it. He escaped from his parents' claws and made something of himself.

And he is more than grateful and thankful for this opportunity he was given. His glance wanders around, across the crowd, to his band mates until he meets Robin’s worried expression at the fringe of the stage. Steve only then realizes a single tear running down his cheek. What- 

Was he really crying in front of all these people?

Panic bubbles up in him. He can’- He can’t start crying just like that. If anyone sees him-

Thankfully, Robin has her telepathic talent bravoured and always knew what was going on inside Steve’s head. Like now. She shakes her head and puts both thumbs up to transfer him, everything is alright and no, nobody has seen him cry. 

He makes a mental note to kiss her brain for this later. 

And on and on and on

And on and on and on

The chimes fade slowly. Loud roars and applauds sound through the Hideout. The crowd is raging. 

Steve exhales relieved. Getting such overwhelming feedback and seeing everyone enjoying his music is more than he can wish for. He knows how hard the industry is and still seeing so many appreciating his work and passion makes his heart warm up.

He turns to his band members, indicating the first tunes for their next song, but before they can start, something catches his eyesight. Something familiar. Dark, voluminous curls pop up in the crowd abruptly like they were neon signs. They make themself comfortable at the other end of the area, sitting down on one of the bar stools, face turning towards the stage. 

Steve swallows hard. On one hand he knew he would show up. He never missed an opportunity to see Steve live on stage. But on the other hand Steve somehow hoped he wouldn't come. Not after the last time they’ve met.

And yet there is nothing left to reclaim as being a professional and ignore him as best as possible. Because Steve knows why he is here. The person accountable for all of this. This whole career. The reason he released his thoughts and made himself vulnerable to the public. The person who changed his life to the best and worst, in all kinds of ways. The person he once loved more than anything.

The person named Eddie Munson.

Chapter Text

Steve really shouldn’t be surprised. And still he is. Why on earth would Eddie Munson want to see him? Why couldn't Eddie just… let it go. Steve knows they still have some things to talk about. It was kind of his own fault Eddie wanted to clear things up. And it was his right. 

The way he “handled” things wasn’t the best or the most appropriate. He knows that. 

God, and how much he hates himself for not doing better. He chose the best way out and disappeared. Puff, gone. He left a note for Eddie like a fool, and hoped he would understand. Of course Eddie did and did not. Of course he had questions. Eddie definitely deserved an explanation, deserved better than just being left behind. 

And now he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Like being watched by his ex.

Steve shakes his head as if all the needless thoughts would disappear with it. He has to focus on the song. Which… song? His mind goes blank for a second. In and Out. 

Steve takes a deep breath and can hear Robin almost in his head, soothing him with her voice. For her cheerful nature she somehow has something relaxing about her. They've been best friends for so long now and Steve still can’t figure out what it is. It probably has to do with them being soulmates. 

Another deep breath. He can feel how his head gets lighter, all the thoughts of Eddie and the past fade a little. Just a little because when Sooz starts to play the first up and down motif Steve is instantly dragged back into the past. And further.

Sure, they’re still playing a concert. The music’s getting louder, the main theme solidifying itself while the low offbeat reaching a light crescendo and instantly creating space with its diminuendo for the motif. 

Steve shuts his eyes and starts to sing.

Love and Hate Decide

Money grows and dies

People never change

But I have to try, try, try, try

With the knowledge of Eddie listening to him, the words hurt him even more.

Steve always hated to make decisions. Of course, his parents always told him what to do. When he was a child, he never had to decide anything.

Probably the first thing he could remember was his parents telling him to behave when they sent him off to the playground with his Nanny. Steve didn’t really know what they meant, he never really did anything wrong. At least he thought. 

Richard and Lauren Harrington never were around much. From his birth until Steve’s fifth birthday they seemed to be a normal family. They never played much with their son, never did any activities with him. That’s what his Nanny Rose was for. But they were at home, his father working constantly while his mother flipped through fashion magazines. A couple of days after his fifth birthday, Rose took him to the playground. She couldn't be around on his actual day of birth so she brought some self made cupcakes with her. A little something to celebrate with him. It was great, Steve never really had cake or anything baked before on his special day. His parents weren’t big promoters of anything sweet.

“It’s unhealthy.” “You’re going to gain weight.” “You’ll never lose those pounds after eating this.” 

“That’s what they said? Fucking seriously?” Eddie leaned forward to be able to look into Steve’s eyes, his own wide open, doubtful. 

They were cuddling on the loveseat, Eddie leaning against one of the armrests tracing Steve’s moles on his arm while Steve lay in Eddie's lap, back resting against his boyfriend’s torso. Buddy again curled up in Steve’s lap, sleeping peacefully. Eddie was fully shocked about Steve’s words and his imitation of his parents. He thought, his own dad was a fuck up but the Harringtons were an even bigger one. How can someone say such horrible things to their own child? Especially if named child was only five?

“Yeah” Steve focused on a lint on his shirt, trying not to pick at the skin around his nails. And not to wake his dog.

“You were five!”

“I know.” Steve took a deep breath. 

He took one of the chocolate cupcakes, looked at it insecurely. He didn’t even know how to eat it, it was almost as big as his two palms together. Steve looked at Rose. 

“The easiest way to eat them is to unwrap them”, she removed the cupcake liner carefully, “take the bottom and put in on top! Now you have a cupcake sandwich!” Rose broke the cupcake apart and demonstrated it to Steve. Who was delighted. His big eyes sparkled out of childish excitement. A cupcake sandwich! Rose always came up with the coolest and most amazing ideas ever. Last time she was over to babysit she showed him how to make little apple slices that looked like bunnies. Steve was never a big fan of apples but that day he decided to love them. If they came as bunny slices only.

He definitely had to show the sandwich trick to his parents. Steve hoped they would find it as impressive as he did. Rose then helped him with his cupcake. He watched her repeating the steps, as she helped him hold the pastry. She's always been so nice and kind to him, almost as if she knew, as if she felt he was alone. Steve wondered if Rose had other kids to take care of too and a sudden sting of jealousy bubbled up in him. What if she showed the others too how to make cupcake sandwiches and apple bunny slices? What if she spent more time with the other kids than with him? What if she loved them more than him? She always made him feel special, what if he wasn’t anything special?

Steve felt tears welling up and before Rose could ask him anything he tossed the cupcake to the ground. She looked at him confused and yet calm. Steve looked back at her, water running down his hot glowing cheeks. 

“Why you don’t love me?” Rose’s expression shifted, her features relaxing, her eyes full of sadness. She seemed sad but not over Steve’s question. It was something deeper, as if she knew exactly the meaning behind those words. As if she could read Steve’s thoughts and knew why he spoke them.

He didn't get it. Why was she so calm? He threw a fucking tantrum, declined her gift and yet she wasn’t mad? Steve didn’t understand and her reaction made him cry even more. Though he was prepared. He was prepared for her getting angry, he was prepared for getting hit. He was prepared for everything.

What he wasn’t prepared for were the two arms which slowly wrapped around him, pulling him closer, embracing him tight. Rose pushed him to her chest, delicate but still firm, as if Steve was something fragile. Which he was. 

Love and Hate Decide

Money grows and dies

People never change

But I have to try, try, try, try

“And what happened after?” The curiosity was written all over Eddie’s face. He already had to take everything in him to not punch Steve’s parents the next time he saw them. 

“Rose and I sat there for I don’t know how long but about an hour for sure. She did nothing except for holding me tight while I cried. We even forgot about the cupcakes and stuff. After that, she brought me home. There was an unspoken silence between the two of us the whole time. As if she wanted to tell me something regarding my behavior. As if she wanted to tell me that it’s fine, that it will be fine, you know? And I wanted to apologize so bad but couldn’t. I was so overwhelmed with her kindness I didn’t know how to respond. And I was still afraid of getting yelled at. 

‘Strong people don’t need to apologize to the weak, Steven’, was all I could think of.” Steve imitated his fathers voice as well as he could, accentuating the sentence with air quotes.

As soon as they reached the front door, Steve turned to Rose, grabbing for her arm. His eyes still a bit wet from crying. “Please don’t go”, he begged. Steve had an awful feeling in his stomach. A feeling that they wouldn’t meet again. Rose kneeled down to level Steve’s eyes and dragged him into another hug. 

“I don’t know if I can promise that to you. But whatever happens, I’ll always be right here”, she tapped on his forehead to symbolize memories, “and here.” Rose placed Steve’s palm on his little heart, her own right over. Steve nodded pouty. 

At that moment the door opened and Lauren stood right in front of them. Steve was dragged inside immediately and sent to his room. His mother seemed very upset, he wondered why. Shortly after she rushed into his room, yelling at him for ruining his clothes with whatever was on them and for being away so long. He remained silent, enduring his mother’s rage. He didn’t understand what he did wrong but couldn't defend himself either. Steve was too afraid of Lauren telling his dad. So he did as he was told, changed his clothes and remained in his room for the rest of the day.

Steve’s fears still came true because his father lectured him about his actions getting rough a few times.

Take it on the chin, never gonna win

Turn the other cheek and I take it on the chin

Eddie stopped in his movement. He suddenly wasn’t so sure anymore if he could hold himself back. “Please remind me to punch your old man the next time he crosses my way”

“Eddie…” Steve looked at him with sad eyes. Eddie was sure it wasn’t because of his father but rather because of the act itself and god why did Steve have to have chronically sad puppy eyes? It wasn’t enough Eddie had to deal with one but two pairs thanks to Buddy. The two in combo were his sure death.

“Stevie, what they’ve done to you is cruel. Don’t defend their behavior. Don’t defend what they’ve done to you. It’s abusive. No, it is abuse.” After Eddie spoke those words, Steve went silent. He knew Eddie was right. And yet he didn’t want to believe it. Hearing those words spoken out loud was too much.

Hearing someone actually stating what his parents had done to him was unbearable. Even if it was emotionally, he knew retrospectively speaking his parents abused him back then when he was little.

Steve felt ashamed even if he shouldn’t. He was grown by now and still the flashbacks gave him an uneasy feeling. He tried so hard to get his parents’ attention and love. To be someone they could be proud of. He did absolutely everything. Grades, sports, friends. He even tried to date a girl his parents told him to go out with, because she would be a great enrichment for their prestigious family and business (who was not Nancy Wheeler). All that just so they give him that itsy-bitsy recognition he longed for. Yet he never got anything back from them. 

And even after all these years, the unrequited love of Richard and Lauren gnawed on Steve so bad, he had nightmares. He would wake up, all sweaty, remembering the things his parents had said or done to him. After all these years he still couldn’t let them fully go, still had the desire to be their perfect son even if they already gave up on him long ago. 

Steve looked down to his now clenched fists. His nails digging into his palms, leaving marks almost drawing blood.

Buddy somehow sensed something was off because he shyly pocked Steve’s fists with his wet nose, yawning. His little furball always knew when something was off. Steve was very grateful for him.

Eddie behind him simply kept watching him, worry written all over his face. Of course his boyfriend would notice when something was off with Steve. Eddie was a great people reader. Steve even dared to say a much better one than Robin.

“Did you ever see her again? Rose, I mean.” Eddie obviously avoided asking him about his behavior but Steve didn’t mind. He was grateful at that moment. Eddie’s fingers carefully drew little circles on Steve’s arms, soothing him to relax.

“Once or twice. A month later I had a new babysitter. A year after another. My parents kept changing my sitters like they changed their cars. Without any value”, Steve chuckled slight, sarcastically. His bitterness was hard to overlook.

“They didn’t allow them to bond with me like Rose did. In fear of me becoming ‘weak.’” Steve’s fist relaxed slowly, finding their way to Buddy’s head, ruffling his fur.

“Such pricks.” Eddie snorted, outraged. “I’m very sorry babe”

Steve turned his head upside-down, putting a little kiss on Eddie’s chin. A little but soft smile curled on Steve’s face, the first one that evening. “Don’t be.”

Take it on the chin, never gonna win

Turn the other cheek and I take it, take it

Steve opens his eyes again as his voice gets more and more quiet. This is one of his favorite parts of the song. The same line, altered again and again by a chromatic semitone going downwards. Jonny does magic on the synthesizer which matches the mood and text of the song perfectly. Dash’ drums flatter the whole symphony just the right amount, awards it with depth. 

Steve and Kyle chat with their guitars, one responding the other in repeating their sequence, picking on the strings. He can truly let everything bottled-up in him out, can let himself fall into the melody to be carried away. Let every bad memory fly away and feel light and free.

Steve gets ready to go into the last part of the song. He remembers the day he put an end to his parents' humiliations, the day he broke free from their demands. The day he made his own decision, the decision he no longer wants to be Steven Harrington, the shame of the Harrington family but rather Steve, the one who follows his dreams. 

It was scary as hell. Steve was 17 and his parents hadn’t been home for years. He didn’t expect them to come home for a little longer so he was quite surprised when they suddenly stood in the parlor being all stressed out. Apparently some of his fathers clients backed out so they had to cancel their journey. 

Of course they let those negative feelings out on Steve, found even more things he was imperfect in. Especially after Steve told them about his canceled scholarship. 

His parents originally sent him to all those sports such as swimming and basketball so their son could be a top player in a top club in a top league. It was all fun in the beginning, Steve met a lot new people but after Nancy broke up with him he realized he wanted to be anything but the arrogant jocks he was surrendered by. With that newly won lack of enthusiasm and the urge to try out new things his grades got worse until he wasn’t good enough anymore for the scholarship.

Richard got furious. He started yelling, louder than Steve ever heard him do. Something living on his parents' money. Something about him having to look for a job because they definitely wouldn’t support such lazy behavior. Something about them being disappointed in him.

Steve couldn’t remember all that so well because he didn’t listen. His ears shut down. Only listening to his rising heart frequency and the thoughts in his head. Of course he wasn’t good enough for them. Again. Of course they weren’t pleased with what he did, what he achieved. Of course they will never be. They would never give him a chance to prove himself. 

His heart beat faster, so loud, he could hear his blood rushing in his ears. All his life he tried so hard, tried his best, did everything he could  and nothing was enough. At this point he had enough. He felt like 13 again. He made a step forward, just like that. He talked back to them. But this time he didn’t back off. He withstood his parents' degradation, yet they threw him out. 

It was dark, deep in the night. The air was chill but it wasn’t cold to him. Steve looked up to the sky, millions and billions of stars shining down on him, setting him into the spotlight. Was this it? Did he make it? Was he finally free? 

Steve wasn’t so sure about that. And still he felt a big weight falling off of him. 

At this moment he was alone. He didn’t know what to do, where to go. And even if he didn’t have anybody right now, he felt like he had the whole world around him. Because all the possibilities were out there and now he had full access to all of them.

So in this little moment of full loneliness, for the first time in his life he felt powerful.

Love and Hate Decide

Money, murder, lies

The future is the same

Why try, try, try? 

(Try, try, why try? Why try? Why try?)

The boys slowly coming back to the original motive of the song, leaving Steve singing alone to the voluminous bass of Dash’ drum and Sooz’ keys until they let the song fade out into their next one.

Chapter Text

“One, two!” Dash shouts from the back, beating the Floor Tom in eighth notes to end the song, going from their previous allegretto into a bright and lively allegro immediately. He indicates the beginning of the song with a loud hit on the cymbals and the crowd goes crazy in seconds. This is one of Zteev’s (their official band name) fan favorites.

And to be honest, Steve loves it a lot too. It’s catchy, it’s funky and not like the name indicates gloomy at all. Well, maybe a bit but only because he wrote the song years later about his best friend of childhood days. He wrote it about Tommy H.

The first time Steve and Tommy met was at some sort of neighborhood gathering at the age of six. His parents normally wouldn‘t attend such events, never did in the past either, but the next community league would be chosen so it was kind of their duty to show up there.  

“The more influence and acknowledgement you get from others, the more powerful you get, Steven.“ Richard told Steve at least once a week since the age of four. “You get to be the best of the best, on top of society otherwise you‘ll get fed to the big fish.“

Of course, he was a kid, so Steve never understood what his father’s words meant, until much later. 

Being at this gathering was kind of the same thing. He didn’t really understand what they were supposed to do there. But he was excited for once. Since Steve never went on any trips with his parents in his life, going to a big meeting with them was something overwhelming in a positive way. He was really looking forward to it, hoping secretly, despite being surrounded by so many others, that his parents would spend all their time with him.

His optimism got crushed very quickly the moment they arrived, because the Harringtons put Steve with some stranger who was hired especially to keep an eye on the children for the adults to do the “important stuff” undisturbed.

Steve looked at his parents’ back as they walked away, the corners of his mouth allowing gravity to do its work, his expression getting sadder. He was about to cry, which he didn’t want to do. First, because he didn't want to be the weak one, didn’t want to end up as the crybaby. And second because Steve was afraid his parents would get wind of it and he would get in trouble. Big trouble.

So he shut his eyes tight, took a deep breath. Steve clenched his fists and tried to concentrate on the feeling left behind of his nails digging into his palm. He took another deep breath and finally opened his eyes.

“Stevie, baby.” Eddie turned from his position at the sink, a towel and a plate in his hand, his already big brown eyes seeming even bigger out of worry. Buddy swarmed around Eddie's legs looking up at him curiously. Steve sat on the counter looking straight into Eddie’s eyes. “What?”

“I’m worried. You shouldn’t hurt yourself. Especially at such a young age.” Eddie placed the plate aside and threw the towel over his shoulder. He stepped in front of Steve, his hands finding their way to Steve’s waist where they finally rested. 

“It wasn’t really hurting myself, you know? More regulating my emotions.” Steve tried to explain, his hand caressing Eddie’s cheek who didn’t seem very convinced. “You’re a bad liar.”

Was he? Steve didn’t really want to bother anyone with his weird habits in the first place. Especially not Eddie. He was too attentive. Steve could tell him a cock-and-bull story and Eddie would know something was off. Steve doesn’t even know why he still tried to hide himself from Eddie despite Eddie knowing everything about him?

Maybe that’s the reason why he keeps coming up with random events from his youth? 

He wants to keep himself, his mind and feelings safe, that‘s for sure. He doesn’t want to get hurt. Again. 

And the best way to do so is to have the upper hand. To have control over what he is sharing with whom at what time. Even with Eddie. He doesn’t want to overshare things. It’s enough that he does it with Robin all the time. She’s his soulmate so it might be fine, plus Robin reassured him a million times it’s okay. But Steve doesn’t need another person to info dump his whole life to. Even if Eddie is his boyfriend. He should trust him. But why is it so hard? If maybe Eddie would go easy on him, couldn’t read him as well as he does, maybe it would be easier. This way Steve could prepare himself much better and wouldn't get caught off-guard. 

So to answer his own and Eddie’s question, yes, he was a bad liar. Did he care? Yes and no, he wasn't sure if he should care.

“I know you’re overthinking.” Eddie’s hands wandered to Steve’s back in the meantime, caressing him. “I can hear your brain working.”

Steve couldn’t suppress a chuckle. Such a drama queen. “Don’t exaggerate.”

”I would never.” He grinned.

“You okay?” When Steve opened his eyes, two big hazel ones looked back at him. They were surrounded by billions and trillions of freckles and short, curly brown hair which stood up in all directions.

The boy in front of him looked kinda funny. And somehow kind. His eyes radiated giddiness but in a calm way. Before Steve could say anything, the boy grabbed his hand, pulling Steve with him. He couldn’t do anything but blink and let himself be dragged wherever the other was leading them. They stopped at the other end of the room. He saw lots of pillows, some small toys and a few board games laying around. Whoever organized the gathering really thought about the children and how to entertain them.

Both were sitting on one of the big pillows when the boy turned to Steve, asking curiously. ”Is this better?” 

Steve nodded, his fists starting to relax slowly. 

“I’m Tommy.” 

“Steve.” He was still perplexed over the whole encounter. “Thank you.”

”No biggie.” Tommy’s grin was wide and warm. Like a star in the night sky. Or a bonfire. Somehow it sparked something in Steve he couldn’t really sort into anything he experienced so far. A little flame started to blaze up in his heart.

“Do you wanna be friends?”

And now I’m ready to go

Steve was sitting on the bed in his room, surrounded by his guitar, several words scribbled on papers and a curled up Buddie by his side, when Eddie burst into the room.

Concentrated as he was, he didn‘t even look up. “Have you ever heard of… I don’t know… knocking, maybe?”

”Yes, Steve, I heard of the term and to your surprise I also know the concept of it. Robin let me in, she said you weren’t busy.”

Steve put the notepad aside, finally looking up at his boyfriend. “Well, she was wrong. Besides, I could have been naked.” Eddie let himself drop into the beanbag across the bed. “As if that would ever bother me.” The grin on his face grew wider.

“Weirdo.” Steve rolled his eyes, chuckling lightly. He loved his freak, thank you very much. Eddie slid closer to him, dragging the beanbag all the way over the carpet, trying to pull Steve on his lap. “You know you love me.” 

“I do.” Eddie succeeded in pulling Steve onto himself but with his action some of the sheets landed on him as well. He took one and began to read. “What’s this?” The minor panic on Steve’s face was hard to overlook. He snatched the paper out of Eddie’s hands, holding it tight to his chest. “It’s… uh… just some stuff I wanted to write down, nothing special.”

“That didn’t seem to look like nothing, babe. Can I see it, pretty please?” He even bats his lashes. Damn you, Eddie Munson. Eddie’s big button brown eyes were always one of his biggest weaknesses, so he doubtfully handed the paper back to Eddie. “Don’t laugh.”

“I would never.” Eddie instantly deep-dived into the few words written down. He began to quietly read out the words more for himself than to Steve. “… ready to go… friendship… much more… went behind… the score…” Eddie looked up through his bangs. Steve couldn’t really read his expression. Was it good? Was it bad? Did he like it or not? He hated the fact he still couldn’t read Eddie as well as vice versa. Steve perked his eyebrows in question. “You hate it, right? I knew I shouldn’t have shown it to you.”

“Hey hey hey… easy Stevie. I ain’t saying anything like that. I like it. But- can you explain it a bit more? Little bit of context would be great.”

Steve took a deep breath.

I’m sick of hanging out and now I’m ready to go

A few years went by since he first met Tommy. Seven to be precise. After the neighborhood gathering back then, they met up a lot. In the first few years throughout Elementary School almost every day. In second grade Steve started taking his first swimming lessons on behalf of his parents' wish. It was a lot of fun. He learned a lot and since he could attend those classes with his best friend it was even more fun. Tommy always made him laugh by saying or doing something silly which being in and under water weren’t the best conditions to do. It was not a rare occurrence for Steve to inhale lots of the chlorine filled water because of it.

Even though Steve’s parents weren’t  happy their son got distracted this much, they let it happen. Tommy’s family was wealthy as well which roughly made up for the boy’s not so decent behavior.

Steve spent a lot of time at Tommy’s or at his other sport activities. Every second not spent at home felt like freedom. It felt like he could do anything he wanted without getting charged. Without being monitored. Plus he could be with his best friend. Double Jackpot.

Then, they entered Middle School. And something somehow turned upside down. The thing is, Steve was invisible in Elementary School. He was just a normal boy for others, nothing special. He had average grades, and did sports like many kids. And somehow throughout his Middle School years he gained more and more popularity. Probably because puberty did him pretty well. His classmates and those in grades under him started to look up to him. The older ones even started to respect him.

Since he was quite skilled at swimming, Steve scored the Hawkins Middle School Swim Team more wins than anyone else in the last few years.

Everyone wanted to be like him. Wanted to be friends with Steve. Which was crazy to him. It was the first time in his life he felt seen. He was loved. He felt loved. And he enjoyed it. 

Enjoyed the attention he was craving for so long. 

He was never one of the unpopular students, but throughout his last Middle School year he learned what it really meant to be “popular”. And Tommy, his best friend, was always by his side. Following him everywhere. Steve noticed that at some point Tommy too started to look up to him. He didn’t know why but he honestly didn’t care. Steve savored every single moment. The blaze Tommy inflamed those years ago started getting brighter and bigger, slowly turning into a warm fire in Steve that he never wanted to go out. 

On their last day of Middle School they swore to each other they would meet up every single day of summer break and because Steve’s parents didn’t plan to go anywhere (and even if they did, they would go without their son) they both held onto that. 

Like this one special day. Since his parents weren’t at home when he left, Steve left them a note on the fridge he’d be at Tommy’s. He knew he should’ve asked them first, but they almost never picked up their phones anyways so he thought it was fine.

They had a great time playing some video games, chit chatting about how High School’s going to be. Both were pretty excited, especially Tommy. He couldn’t stop talking about making all those new friends. Tommy always made friends pretty easily which bugged Steve. He felt an old but familiar feeling brewing up in him. First he couldn’t sort it. Did he have a problem with Tommy making friends so fast OR with Tommy making friends in general?

All he knew was that he didn’t want to be forgotten. Especially not by Tommy who he was inseparable from. Steve looked down to his hands, realizing how sweaty they were. 

He wiped his hand off his pants multiple times, in hope it wouldn’t be suspicious.

Sadly Tommy had good eyes and intuition. “You good?” He asked, looking worried. 

“I- I don’t know…” Steve answered honestly, his hands would’t stop sweating. Why was it so hot in here?

And then it hit him. It was the same feeling back then with his Nanny. He was jealous. He was jealous of Tommy getting along so easily with everyone. And he was jealous of all the new friends Tommy would make. Of all the time they would spend together. Steve didn’t want to be forgotten. He still wanted to be Tommy’s number one. The two of them would still be friends, right? Still spending their time together.

Steve looked back at Tommy to tell him the truth. To tell him he didn’t like the idea of him making so many new friends if it meant Steve would come second.

Tommy’s eyes were full of worry and something Steve couldn’t identify when he shut them to lean forward and press a kiss onto Steve’s lips.

The little fire in Steve abruptly became the biggest firework in his life. He felt like the world stopped spinning and everything else came to a halt. Tommy’s lips were warm and smooth. He never felt this safe and loved in his life before. 

I told you that our friendship couldn’t handle much more

“So… you had your first kiss with Tommy.“ Eddie seemed surprised- that Steve couldn’t blame him for. He never told anybody except for Robin. Not that it was a secret, rather a detail not needed to be mentioned.

“That doesn’t really explain your song text.” They both shifted places to lay on Steve’s bed, him on his back looking up to the ceiling while Eddie lay on his side, one arm positioned to support his head. Even if he looked annoyed, he wasn’t. Eddie never was annoyed over anything Steve told him which he was grateful for. He always got Eddie’s full on, 100% attention.

“Well… it went down in High School.”

High School was different. Steve and Tommy realized that pretty fast. Instead of Tommy, Steve was the one making all those new friends. He gained even more popularity than in Middle School, especially after joining the High School’s swim team. Everyone drooled over him. All of this made Steve more and more confident in himself. He suddenly had everything he could wish and ask for. While bathing in all the praises, Tommy slowly became invisible. Just one of the many people by Steve’s side. A sidekick. Steve was the one everyone wanted and Tommy simply was there. Existing. Every time. The two still were inseparable. While Steve was the sun, bright and outshining everything, Tommy became the moon. Still there but only visible when the sun spotlights it. 

At some point Steve took Tommy for granted. He could always rely on him, he was always there. Tommy would do anything for Steve and Steve knew that. Tommy would always have his back, would always defend him. Shit, he would even  throw himself in a puddle if that meant Steve could cross the road all clean and perfect looking. And Steve knew that. He knew all of it. But he didn’t care. He was glad he had Tommy. He was glad Tommy was like a puppy, his personal little pet. Steve enjoyed Tommy’s admiration. More than he liked to admit. 

He didn’t even realize that all the praise, all the fame slowly got to his head. How, when all he was told in life was to be successful? And he finally reached the point where his father could be proud of him?

As they reached sophomore year, Steve reached the climax of his popularity which was kind of the end of his tight connection with Tommy. While still hanging out due to their friend group, it began to crumble after he started dating Nancy Wheeler. Steve spent more time with her than with Tommy.

At that time Tommy was in an on-off relationship with Carol. They broke up and got together almost on a weekly basis. 

Tommy often asked Steve for advice but recently he listened more half-heartedly, talked more about Nancy and how he was going to sleep with her rather than helping Tommy out.

Tommy had enough. 

They were the only ones left after PE. Steve once again couldn’t stop talking about Nancy. He wanted to surprise her at home. She told him not to, since she had to study but he wouldn’t listen. 

Tommy broke down.

”Can you stop talking about that Wheeler girl for one fucking second?”

Steve stopped in his tracks, looking over to his friend, confused.

”I am sick of you talking about nothing more than Wheeler. For months you have nothing else on your mind. What about us?”

Steve, still perplexed, couldn’t understand what Tommy was talking about. Nancy and him were dating, of course he talked about her. 

“I… don’t understa-“

“I thought you loved me!”

Steve blinked. Then blinked again. And again. He tried to process what Tommy just said. I thought you loved me. 

I thought. 

You, Steve. 

Loved. 

Me.

“Tommy what the hell? You- I- You can’t love me. I’m dating Nancy. A girl. And you’re a boy that- that just doesn’t make sense. At all.” He still couldn’t understand. Boys are supposed to be with girls and vice versa. That’s something his dad told him from a very young age. Tommy and him even made fun of the school’s local queers. This all can’t be true.

”You don’t remember? The kiss?” Steve did remember. How the hell could he forget? The night Tommy kissed him out of nowhere. But that didn’t mean anything, right? It was just a kiss between friends. Best friends. Girls did that too, all the time.

“That night I- it was so fucking hard! You’re just-” Tommy took a deep breath.

“I look up to you, Steve! I admire you. Fuck, who the hell doesn’t? You’re simply amazing. You’re perfect. Always have been. You’re so caring and- and you’ve always been by my side. We did so many things together. And you always wanted to be with me, I- I thought after that kiss you would feel the same…”

Tommy looked hurt. And confused, but mostly hurt. Steve never saw his best friend as devastated as in that very moment. It seemed like Tommy had lost all the spark he carried in himself. Like an eclipse.

“Fuck I never should have listened to my parents. I never should have befriended you!”

Wait.

I never should have listened to my parents.

What did that mean?

I never should have befriended you.

Tommy’s words replayed over and over again in Steve’s head. He couldn’t figure out what it was but something in Tommy’s wording was wrong. It didn’t feel right. Why would he say that? Was there something else Steve didn’t know about? Or was it the anger speaking out of Tommy. Steve would understand, his best friend was hurt. And he knew people were able to say the worst things when they were angry. His parents did it all the time.

But somehow, Steve felt something bubbling up in him. Anger, maybe? Was he angry with Tommy? It would be unfair but why was Tommy allowed to be angry and he was not? He thought they would stick together forever and now Tommy was going to ruin it with this sentimental shit?

“What do you mean?”

“Huh?” Tommy was seemingly confused.

“What do you mean you never should have befriended me?” Steve raised his voice, almost sounding like his father.

“It means exactly what you think it does! It was never my intention in the first place! Fuck, if my parents never dragged me to that stupid gathering, we never would even have met! It was their stupid idea to befriend you so they can look good in your stupid parents’ eyes!”

The silence that followed was defeating; like a fire that had been crackling had suddenly been snuffed out, wiped from existence.

Steve doesn't know how long it was silent. Maybe just a couple of seconds, a minute at most but it felt like days. Weeks. He felt as if the entire world had gone silent and stopped spinning. He could hear his own breath. His lungs extended with every inhale he took. His heartbeat rose every second that was passing. His organs are working, pumping blood through his body. His heart shattered a little bit. He knew this feeling, it wasn’t new. His parents had hurt him enough in the past. 

But never his best friend. 

Never Tommy. 

Tommy was his light, his fire. Or soo he thought until this moment. But this very moment the flame was blown out. Gone and with it all the amazing memories. With it went Tommy.

Steve was alone. 

But then you went behind my back to settle the score

So goodbye

Farewell

Go fuck your mother

Go fuck yourself

Steve takes a deep breath. He knows, he didn’t handle the situation well back then. Pretty miserably, actually. He remembers Tommy saying something about it being a mistake. But since Steve never answered, still paralyzed, Tommy took his silence as an answer and left.

Steve never had the chance to ask Tommy what he meant. Maybe he was doing as his parents said. Maybe he was still going to befriend Steve. Maybe falling in love with him. Nobody knows. It became one of those greater questions of the universe.

But what he did know was that he behaved like an asshole. He repeatedly went through the whole incident over and over again. With Robin and Eddie. It took him a few years until he realized how badly in the wrong he had been. And now he can’t even apologize. 

They never spoke again through the rest of their High School years and after. He sometimes bumped into Tommy on the street or while walking Buddy, at parties or when he came into the shop with Carol, but not a single word was ever dropped between the two.

I need to walk my dog, I’m ready to go. 

My dog’s expecting me, I’m ready to go.

I hate this temperature, I’m ready to go.

This music sucks to me, I’m ready to go.

Oh, yeah

Steve wants to laugh and cry at the same time singing these lines. He wanted to apologize to Tommy so badly. Even if he’s still hurt and those feelings bubble up in him on bad days. Even if he searches for the blame in Tommy. He knows he made a massive mistake with his behavior. Steve knows he shouldn’t have said the things he did. Because they hurt his ex-best friend. The person, who secretly showed him, it was ok to love boys, and that made him realize he was bi. 

Tommy deserved an apology and one day, Steve will make it happen. 

Dash hit the drums harder and faster as they started into the last verse of the song. The others join in his excitement, Steve even turning halfway to his band mates. 

As much as Steve sometimes hates this song, since it reminds him of all things that happened, he also loves it because he scoops a lot of hope out of it. It’s kinda his reminder for redemption and to turn the Gloom that lays over the song into delight.

These people stress me out, I’m ready to go. 

I’m growing quite unwell, I’m ready to go.

I hate this city yes I’m ready to go

Oh, no

I never liked it I belong on the road

So, goodbye