Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

In retrospect, Stevie should have realized that her parents wouldn’t show up for move in day.

She wasn’t remotely shocked. Not when she had put the whole thing off for an entire year.

Her mom had no right to act haughty about Stevie’s choices, not when she’d been on the sidelines. Cheering her along the entire time.

Or. It was less cheering, more…you’re not as capable or smart as your sister, why don’t you just take some time off before you decide if you want to go to college? Go backpacking in Europe, meet some strangers.

Stevie wasn’t actually that stupid.

Like, sure. She was kind of ditzy. She got made fun of a lot by her parents and her big sister. But she wasn’t dumb.

She knew what her mom had been gunning for.

She kept hoping that Stevie would somehow galavant off the map and meet some Italian guy and get married. That she would find a rich man to shoulder the burden of her presence.

Her family was loaded, so that wasn’t the issue.

The issue was that Stevie’s parents thought she was too stupid to go to school. That she should just be a homemaker, a stay at home mom.

And hey, maybe someday she would be. But that wasn’t all she wanted out of life.

The other problem was that Stevie hadn’t really tested high enough to get into a good school. It had taken one awkward conversation with her father for Stevie to completely shut down the mere concept of paying her way into an Ivy League. Absolutely not. The thought of it made her sick to her stomach.

She didn’t want to be that person, even if people sort of automatically viewed her that way. Her expensive clothes, her credit card in her fathers name. These were the sort of things that kind of didn’t help preconceived notions.

Stevie tried to hide it, she really did. It was just….pretty obvious once you spoke to her for more than five minutes. She always pinged as a rich girl, no matter what she said. And she wasn’t trying to. Quite the opposite, really.

She didn’t wear it like a badge of honor, not like a lot of the girls she knew and grew up with.

She hated all the formalities. The charity dinners, cotillion. You name it, Stevie did it all. She was primped and prepped for anything. She didn’t so much mind getting pretty for an occasion, that wasn’t it.

It was just that she never fit mold her mother or any of the other women wanted her to fit.

Stevie was stocky. Big arms, thick thighs, abs. Honed from years of softball and track and swim team. She was athletic to her core. This made her unappealing to them, as they couldn’t squeeze her into a tiny dress and call it a day.

Having to get things custom made was a bit embarrassing. Back then, anyway. Stevie felt….maybe she felt a bit better about it now. Maybe?

If she wanted to wear a mini skirt, she would. If someone wanted to comment on her legs, that was on them. Or that was what she told herself. No need to feel bad about the things she couldn’t change. It was a mantra she tried to repeat.

It did make things awkward where dating was concerned.

Stevie wasn’t…

Good at it.

She’d had one boyfriend throughout high school. An on again, off again type deal. Tommy Hagan. He was alright, really. They didn’t spend that much time together or anything. Mostly formal events, places to be seen together.

He treated her a lot like the other guys did: a buddy, a friend, a pal.

That’s exactly what Stevie was to them.

Someone to go see a game with. Someone who would arm wrestle them if prompted. Never a lady, no. It didn’t matter how much makeup Stevie wore (and she was actually starting to like experimenting with it) they just saw her as…

“Like slapping lipstick on a pig,” A guy had joked once when Stevie was much younger.

It hadn’t left her brain since.

She wasn’t sure why she ever yearned for men to find her pretty. It wasn’t like it felt good when they did, right? Like. Anytime a man complimented her body or looks, Stevie kind of just felt like she should be happy about it. She should like their approval because it meant something.

It was normal.

And Stevie just wanted to feel normal.

Hence college. The perfect place to build a new life, get some experience, prove her family wrong.

They were the sort of pretend liberal that would go with the flow if Stevie needed them to, despite trading jabs and disapproval at every corner.

It wasn’t real acceptance, it never was.

Which had driven Stevie further left. She didn’t want to play pretend like her mother did. Acting as if she was a humanitarian.

Stevie had heard her behind the scenes plenty of times before. She knew exactly how her mother felt about certain groups of people.

Which was why Stevie had filled out her roommate form with no small amount of pride.

No, she did not care if her roommate was queer. Yes, she was liberal. Could they fuck when Stevie wasn’t in the room? Sure, why not? Just because Stevie wasn’t getting laid, didn’t mean her roommate wasn’t allowed to.

It would even out, she was sure of it.

She just had to meet said roommate first.

—

Stevie was being a little neurotic, she was aware.

But she wanted her side of the room to look good. She had string lights put up already. Her bed was made, pillows fluffed. A few different posters adorned her wall. Her desk was cute, a bit different from how she appeared as a person.

Again. Stevie didn’t hate “girly” things. She was just always taught that she was too masculine to enjoy them. They weren’t for her.

Fuck that.

If she wanted a cute little lamp, she’d buy a cute little lamp. She’d only recently gotten into wearing red lipstick out of an event. She could walk in heels, due to years of being forced to.

But guys never liked when she wore heels, so. She tended to avoid them.

No need to call more attention to herself. She’d spent years like this, trying to shrink herself just to fit in. So yeah, if she wanted her side of the room to be more fun, it was the least she could do.

She was a little nervous though.

Meeting new people was usually easy for her, most of the time. But she didn’t have a lot of info on her roommate. Nothing of note, anyway. Just the basics.

Stevie had already unpacked everything by the time the door knocked open, bumping against the stop loudly.

A girl poured herself in, tripping over the threshold. Stevie tried her best to sit up from her slump on her bed, brushing hasty hands down her sweatpants and subtly fixing her hair.

“Did you put lead in here or somethin’?” A man asked, accent heavy as the girl came into view.

Long curly hair, dark and messy.

Inches of flat stomach visible between a white tank top and green cargo pants. A size too big, hanging off of prominent hipbones.

A few tattoos visible above the waistline of her pants. Along with a backwards cap, messy eyeliner. Dark brown eyes and a quirked smile.

“No,” She said with a heavy roll of her eyes, glancing around the room and falling quickly on Stevie. “I didn’t. It’s just my computer stuff-“

“Oh,” The older man said, stepping around the girl he was obviously related to. Maybe a dad? “Looks like your roommate’s already here.”

Stevie sat stiff backed and wide eyed, confused by the way the girl stood just a few feet away, her own gaze narrowed at Stevie. What had she even managed to do in the five seconds the girl had been in here?

“Hi,” Stevie managed to squeak out, jumping up from her seated position and nearly smacking her head. She thrust her hand out awkwardly to the girl and held it in the air, as if she’d ever given a handshake before in her life. “I’m Stevie. Hi.”

The girl stared at her hand and dropped her bag, accepting the handshake with a lot less awkwardness.

She had so many rings on.

Stevie stared at them in awe. The chipped nail polish, the small tattoo on her middle knuckle that Stevie couldn’t quite-

“I’m Eddie,” She said monotonously, gesturing to the man beside her as he finally dropped his bag on the other bed. “This is my Uncle Wayne.”

Okay. Short sentences.

Stevie plastered her best pageant smile on, nodding to the older man.

“It’s nice to meet you,” She said. “I got here a little uh, a little early today and so, you can tell I’ve uh- kind of already got things set up.”

Eddie raised a brow and glanced over Stevie’s side of the room.

Stevie flushed red, feeling inexplicably judged.

“Where’d your parents go?” She asked bluntly. “I know you didn’t do this all on your-“

“Eddie,” Wayne cut in warningly. Like he knew she was about to say something rude. Stevie felt very hot in the face, embarrassed for no reason.

“They actually-“ Stevie swallowed and shuffled on her socked feet. “They were too busy to come with. So I did, actually.”

And she was proud of her side of the room. Eddie could judge it all she wanted. It looked good and Stevie was proud of it and that was all that mattered. Even if part of her was a little foolishly embarrassed that she’d decorated so much.

Eddie’s eyes slid over the walls, taking in each little poster and decoration.

“Huh,” She remarked tonelessly, gaining a soft elbow from her uncle. “It looks nice.”

And like. Okay? Stevie was well versed with girls who didn’t like her, for whatever reason they could fathom up. She was used to being sneered at. She wasn’t used to toneless disapproval. Was it even disapproval? What was- Stevie wasn’t even sure.

“Thank you,” Stevie said stiffly, trying to not appear to be too defensive. It wasn’t in her nature to get her hackles up so quickly. And she didn’t want to. She wanted to be friends with her roommate. She needed to reassess and try something different. “I read your student profile. It’s uh- yeah, I couldn’t remember your name but- but you seem nice. Guitar? You play guitar?”

Eddie raised a brow at her and Wayne sighed.

“I play a lot of things.”

“Alright,” Wayne interrupted with all the air of a man trying to keep an argument from happening. Stevie was sure the tension wasn’t that bad, right? Right? “I’m gonna get said guitar, if you don’t mind. Give you girls some time to get acquainted.”

Stevie liked his accent, a thick southern drawl that reminded her of distant relatives on her moms side that she didn’t get to see much.

Eddie didn’t look so happy about being left alone with Stevie. In fact, she huffed out a strange noise as soon as Wayne closed the door behind him and rolled her eyes to the ceiling.

“You read my profile?” She asked, scrunching her nose up as she fell onto her bare bed. Stevie felt odd standing there, looming over Eddie. So she shuffled back to her own bed and sat down, legs automatically crossing out of habit.

“Uh huh,” Stevie nodded quick, somehow wanting- was it approval? God, what was wrong with her that she already cared what her roommate thought? Maybe it was fair though. She didn’t really want to make her first college experience awkward. Stevie should have just taken the offer for a single room. She should have- “And I just wanted to say, I’m very open and- and accepting. I would never- um, just. You’re very brave for- you- I mean, being who you are is important.”

Eddie’s eyes only kept narrowing more and more, until they were two tiny slits on her face.

“Are you like….on drugs?” She asked, looking almost disgusted.

Stevie felt her face flush darker, her stomach turning in the worst way. She’d never been good with any sort of disapproval or confrontation.

“No,” Stevie said quietly. “I’m- I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay with you being-“

“A big dyke?” Eddie asked bluntly, shocking Stevie. “Yeah, you signed the fucking papers. Kind of figured you’d be okay with it.”

But she didn’t sound happy. She sounded weirded out. And Stevie had done that, hadn’t she? Oh god. It hadn’t even been thirty minutes and her roommate already hated her.

“I just- I wanted to let you know I’m comfortable with-“ Stevie swallowed roughly and looked down at her hands twisting in her lap. God, why was she so anxious? “With anything, that’s all. Just wanted you to know.”

Eddie’s gaze didn’t clear up one bit.

“I know,” She said, sounding a lot like she thought Stevie was dumb. “I read your profile too. Stevie, sports therapy or whatever major. You like hiking and oh, sports. Yeah, you like sports a whole bunch, don’t you? And music. But you don’t say what kind. I can take a guess.”

Stevie felt-

Belittled.

Bad.

Uncomfortable.

“All of it,” She said with a gulp, something growing in her chest. It was a mixture of embarrassment and annoyance. “I like a lot of- it’s whatever. Clearly you’ve already made some sort of- just. Never mind.”

Eddie’s brow rose, her amusement suddenly thick in the air. What the fuck was wrong with this girl? Was she just stuck in high school or something?

“What? Did I upset you?” She asked. Stevie didn’t like how pleased she sounded. “I saw your whole profile. Noticed you took a year off.”

“You did too,” Stevie interjected, somewhat defensive now. “I saw. You took a year off before coming here.”

Eddie gave her a scathing look, almost like pity.

“Yeah but I wasn’t off backpacking in Europe,” Stevie didn’t like the way she said it. Like she was judging Stevie. Making fun of her for- “I had to save up money to come to this shithole. I was a barista for a year. What were you? Some Italians arm candy?”

Stevie? Arm candy?

“Yeah, I’m not exactly their type,” Stevie said with a sudden sneer. She couldn’t help it, not when Eddie was being so ducking rude for zero reason. “And I didn’t go because I wanted to, so. It doesn’t even matter, okay? I just wanted to be nice and clearly you have some sort of-“

“Did your parents fund your little trip around Europe?” Eddie asked, not quite keeping the nasty tone out of her voice. Stevie gasped at her, unsure what to even say at this point. How was she supposed to get along with someone who had already decided what kind of person she was? And Eddie wasn’t wrong, not at all. But that wasn’t- “That’s so odd. Why are you here if you’re rich? I mean, it’s not the best school out there. Surely daddy would have paid your way in somewhere-“

“I didn’t get good enough grades,” Stevie snapped, well past her point of frustration. “Because I’m stupid, apparently. And I didn’t want- I wasn’t about to let my dad pay for me to go to school somewhere where everything is a competition and everyone is a fake asshole. But clearly I should have let him, maybe then I’d have a roommate who isn’t a judgmental-“

The door opened with another loud creak and Wayne tripped his way inside, nearly connected with the door. He had two guitar cases, one slung over his shoulder.

“Y’all doin’ okay?” He asked sort of warily, glancing back and forth between the two red faced girls. Eddie looked pissed off and- and maybe something else. Maybe.

Stevie couldn’t-

“I’m gonna go- gonna go talk to some people,” She said, feeling embarrassed and misty eyed. She hated being so sensitive about so many things. Stupid little rich girl, crying because someone clocked her immediately. Was she even going to be able to make friends here at all? “See if I can- yeah.”

Stevie didn’t look back as she rushed past Wayne, apologizing quietly for almost crashing into him.

Stevie could just barely hear Eddie getting what sounded like a soft berating as the door shut behind her.

—

Stevie was good at meeting people. First impressions typically worked for her. She was just bubbly enough to get a person to like her on instinct alone. But she could never manage to get too far past that part.

Plus, she was feeling a little awkward after finding out her roommate was maybe kind of a complete asshole.

The student get together was weird.

Stevie wasn’t used to being around so many people, not even during the year she traveled. Her high school had been private, the classes small and personal. Not that it’d ever done her any good. Hell, her dad probably paid for her to graduate. The thought only turned her more sour and standoffish as she hunkered into a corner of the room and crossed her arms over her chest.

They had a few different ‘hang out’ rooms in different parts of their dorm. Apparently they’d gotten a hefty donation a year ago and a remodel had come with it. So. Each two rooms had a shared bathroom and the hang out rooms had….giant bean bags and new tvs. That was about it. Nothing too grandiose.

Stevie didn’t mind. She’d done a bit of camping when she traveled and it wasn’t all that different, cooking in a dorm room and trekking across campus.

Yeah, she had a nice car. An expensive one. But- but she could walk. She loved walking. It had nothing to do with her sudden want to not flaunt her wealth in peoples faces.

Whatever.

Stevie liked the dorms. She just….found that it was a little uncomfortable, trying to meet new people. And she wasn’t even sure why. Not when she was typically good at it.

“You want a soda?” A girl asked, eyes big and hair a mess as she stood just a foot in front of Stevie. She was tall too. Tall, dressed in overalls and chucks with mousy brown hair.

“Uh-“ Stevie mumbled, thrown off that anyone was even approaching her with the off putting vibes she was throwing out to the world. “Thank you.”

She took the coke politely and popped the cap, sipping at it as the squirrel-like girl rocked back on her feet.

“This is weird, isn’t it?” She asked, scrunching her nose. “I didn’t think- well, like. I thought college would be a little less awkward, I guess. But it seems like everyone else is doing a much better job socializing. But I’ve never really been good at that part, you know? Always been kind of-“ She gave a hand gesture that Stevie couldn’t decipher. “Maybe I just talk too much. My mom says that. She also says I overshare which is like….obviously that’s true. But who doesn’t nowadays, am I right?”

Stevie tried not to stare in awe.

“I’m Stevie,” She managed to say, a stellar reply. Clearly. The girl smiled and nodded toward the name tag on Stevie’s shirt. Oh.

“I’m Robin,” She said, pointing at her own. “Early childhood education major.”

Stevie nodded like she understood what that entailed. She was pretty sure she knew.

“Sports medicine,” Stevie said, already feeling a bit like a fraud. She wasn’t even sure she was smart enough to go to any of her classes on time, let alone understand the curriculum. “Uh….it’s nice to meet you? It’s nice to meet you. Thanks for talking to me, I know I’m being a little-“

She did the same hand gesture as Robin and Robin cracked up. Stevie had to repress a smile at getting something right. For once.

“I get it,” She said, nodding her head to imaginary music. “I didn’t- no offense but you’re kind of intimidating.”

Stevie automatically looked down at herself with a frown. She’d worn her same outfit from the dorm, kept her hair up in a ponytail.

“Am I?”

She felt a little confused.

“Oh yeah,” Robin said, glancing to the side as if- “You realize every guy in here’s been staring at you since you walked in, right?”

That couldn’t be accurate.

Stevie squinted and looked around, only to find the eye of a guy in a red shirt with a bad fade. He winked at her and Stevie quickly recoiled. Ew.

“That’s not- absolutely not. I’m not into that- that kind of thing.”

Robin’s brows rose for a second.

“So….you’re…” Robin trailed off suggestively. “Not into guys?”

Oh.

Huh?

“No, I am,” Stevie said adamantly, realizing how she sounded a second too late. “I- yeah but I don’t really- I don’t date, so.”

Robin snorted and tried to hide a grin.

“You can do a lot more than date,” She raised her brows and it took Stevie more than a second to catch on. She wrinkled her nose again and shook her head.

“That’s not- I don’t, um-“ God. This was far too awkward, wasn’t it? She was not about to admit to this stranger that she hadn’t had sex yet and that she’d been actively avoiding it since she hit puberty. “Not interested in that either. I’m focused on my education.”

Robin’s gaze softened and she shrugged easily.

“I get it,” She said kindly. “I’m trying hard to not be girl crazy this year. Which has never gone well for me historically.”

Oh.

If Stevie was surprised, she tried not to show it. Maybe it made sense now that she looked at Robin more closely. She did have a funky little flag pinned to her outfit. Huh.

“I’m sorry it hasn’t-“

Stevie didn’t get to finish her sentence as right at that moment, Eddie streamed in.

Just as nonchalant, nose turned up judgmentally as she hugged a leather jacket around her body.

Stevie couldn’t talk now. Maybe it was annoyance, maybe-

“Who’s that?” Robin asked. And that was- no, Stevie had to make sure-

“Roommate,” She blurted out. “But I don’t think she likes me very much-“ Stevie wasn’t gonna do it, she really wasn’t. “Think she has a girlfriend back home. Long distance.”

Why would she-

Stevie didn’t know that, that was the thing. She didn’t know that, so why would she even say that?

She felt sweaty, watching as Eddie crossed the room and awkwardly responded to a girl greeting her. Short black hair, glasses. Hm. Stevie narrowed her eyes. Why was Eddie seemingly so nice to everyone else but not Stevie? Was it this girls piercings? Was she just cooler because she was alternative?

“She seems a little…” Robin tilted her head.

“Grumpy,” Stevie sighed, finally looking away. “Yeah, she was uh- maybe not the nicest to me when we met. It’s okay though. I guess we’re just different.”

Robin sipped her coke, still bluntly staring at the other two girls talking.

“Oh I don’t know about that,” Robin mumbled before clearing her throat. Stevie wasn’t gonna look again, she really wasn’t. “Uhh….you sure about that girlfriend thing?”

Do not look.

Stevie looked, face reddening as she took in the girl with short black hair. Fingers wrapped around Eddie’s bicep through her leather jacket. Laughing and giggling and falling all over her as Eddie grinned, prominent dimples visible even from across the room.

Again. Why the fuck did Eddie treat her like poison? She didn’t even know Stevie, she was just making assumptions about her based on- based on what? And it was clear that it was just Stevie. Obviously.

Or maybe Stevie was also jumping to conclusions.

“I don’t know,” Stevie said, trying to not sound so annoyed. “Maybe she’s just- maybe she’s a flirt. I wouldn’t know, I don’t hang around- I’m not into-“

Stevie could quickly tell that she was going down the wrong path, a misunderstanding beginning to form.

Her eyes widened as Robin’s brow furrowed.

“Not that! I don’t mean- I love gay people-“ Oh my god. Oh my god? Why would she say that? “I love all people. I mean, I don’t- I obviously- not all people. But nice people. I don’t care if someone is queer. That’s what I meant. I’m not-“

Robin cracked another smile, looking a lot like she was repressing a laugh.

“You’re way more nervous than you look,” She said, knocking Stevie with her elbow. “You’re not a homophobe and you have excellent hair. You’re gonna do fine, just loosen up a bit. Which, by the way, if you knew me…that statement would be hilarious. But I can tell you’re just not used to this type of environment. The most important thing to remember is literally no one here is used to it.”

Right.

Well, that actually did help a little.

Steve let out a breath and glanced back at Eddie, flirting with the black haired girl.

Right. No one was used to this. They were all new here.

—

Stevie wasn’t very smart.

She was actually like-

She kept insisting she wasn’t actually stupid. She wasn’t dumb, not really. She’d sort of gotten through high school. Her mom always said she was street smart. But that couldn’t be true, could it? Because Stevie had been confused by the concept of the campus lunchroom. Not that she’d never been in a lunchroom before. There was just too many options and too many lines and too many people and she didn’t know she needed to have her card out beforehand and she felt fucking dumb.

She just felt really dumb.

And it kept happening too.

She went to her first class, a basic intro to human anatomy and- and okay, Stevie could kind of understand some of it. But they started out so fast and there was no real wait. She wasn’t used to just going and going and going and never stopping.

By day three, Stevie was frazzled and tired.

And she’d barely even seen her roommate, who apparently either kept a weird schedule or was actively avoiding staying in their room.

Stevie couldn’t understand. She didn’t want to. She’d been nothing but polite to Eddie, right from the beginning. So she wasn’t sure why the other girl had such a humongous problem with her.

Eddie only ever walked right past Stevie on their large campus, the few times they even crossed paths.

So Stevie was surprised the first time she walked into the dorm and actually saw Eddie there. Sitting on her bed, back to the wall. Enormous headphones on, head nodding up and down as she listened to music and wrote in a notebook.

Stevie froze in the doorway but quickly shook it off. Okay. Fine.

“Hey,” Stevie tried, voice coming out weak as she dropped her bag quietly on her bed and turned to Eddie. “Was um-“ Eddie looked up and stared at Stevie blankly. “Was class good today?”

Eddie kept staring.

Stevie was starting to regret even saying hello. She twisted her hands into the edge of her silk top, a light pink that she’d felt a little weird putting on this morning. Whatever. It was cute.

She looked good in it and it was cute.

“Was class-“ Stevie went to ask again, just as Eddie gave a heavy eye roll and pulled the headphones off.

“I can’t hear you when I have headphones on, Stephanie.”

What the fuck?

That wasn’t even her name.

“That’s not my-“ Stevie gulped and tried not to glare as Eddie reached for her headphones again. What the fuck was her problem? “That’s not my name, just so you know. It’s Stevie. My parents named me after-“

“Stevie Nicks?” Eddie asked with a raised brow. It was a good guess. It was the correct one, even. “I find that hard to believe.”

Stevie let out a strained laugh.

“I think my mom had a drug problem back in the day,” She joked. It wasn’t a joke, not really. She’d heard enough about her parents through the grapevine. “Think it kind of made her like a lot music she doesn’t really like now, if that makes sense. Or I don’t know, maybe she- maybe she likes it but she’s just too afraid to admit she likes it? But I feel like Fleetwood Mac would be pretty tame to admit to-“

“Do you ever stop talking?”

Stevie felt her stomach drop.

It was like an instant reaction. Like choking on food or- or cutting an onion. Her eyes started to water immediately and she looked down, mouth fish gaping open and closed, open and closed.

What she even supposed to say to that?

Like. She wanted to be mad. Angry. But everyone always said she talked too much. Everyone always said she had too many words but not much to say.

And her roommate had already figured her out. Stevie was avoid little girl who never knew when to shut up. It wasn’t the first time someone had even asked her that. Usually she’d sneer and be rude right back but-

“Oh,” Stevie squeaked, hand twisting in her shirt now. Anxiously. “I- um- I guess I- I’m gonna- I should go shower.”

Eddie looked away, back down at her notebook. Stevie was glad. The last thing she wanted was for Eddie to know how much she’d just upset her.

“I’m gonna do that,” Stevie said, tripping a little as she went to grab the shower caddy on her desk. Her hands shook as she picked it up, fumbling to find a towel that she kept on a shelf to the side. Neat and compact and stupidly girly. As if Stevie was even girly enough to like any of this stuff. Maybe that was why Eddie didn’t like her.

Stevie froze near the door as she walked away.

She wanted to say something but she-

No, it was embarrassing now. If she started yelling at Eddie, she’d just start sobbing. Emotional, too emotional. Stevie kind of wanted to just-

Climb into the shower and cry under the hot water. Where Eddie couldn’t glare at her and say mean things. Yeah. That was exactly what she wanted.

—

Stevie was just about tired of college. Already.

It wasn’t even the weekend yet and she was already so exhausted, all she wanted to do was sleep. She was also pretty tired of her roommate. Eddie’s attitude hadn’t gotten any better, not at all. Even as she started staying in the room more over the next two days.

Stevie had so many questions.

She wanted to ask what exactly she’d done wrong. She wanted to ask why Eddie hadn’t just tried to get a new roommate by now.

Was she doing okay? Was school as ridiculously hard for her as it was for Stevie?

But Stevie couldn’t help but remember Eddie snapping at her. Telling her she talked too much. It still stung.

Stevie was avoiding being around Eddie too much. It had already led to one nap in the library and an awkward first lunch with Robin. Or it had started as a little awkward and fast dissolved. Stevie liked Robin’s quirkiness and sarcastic attitude.

They got along. Unlike some people.

Things weren’t going great but they weren’t the worst.

Until Friday rolled around.

Stevie wasn’t expecting anything out of the ordinary. She had four classes for the day and a long lunch in between.

So she decided to go get something to eat, too tired to really think about food. But she knew she probably should eat. She wanted to start going to these volunteer tennis practices. A little club that didn’t have that many strict rules. Stevie did miss being active.

She needed some rest and strength first. Maybe she just wasn’t made for college. Maybe her parents were right about her.

She was doing okay, only stumbling a bit from sleepiness. She kept having to wake up far too early and she wasn’t yet used to it.

As soon as she got her salad, she went to turn into the main lunchroom, resigned to sit alone as Robin was busy today. One foot after the other, head pointed down so she didn’t have to-

Right before a brunette guy stepped in front of her, his gaze roaming up and down. Attached to her chest for too many seconds, a smirk on his lips. He looked like a guy she might have met in high school, someone Carol would have dated. Gross and outwardly smarmy to a ridiculous degree.

Steve immediately sensed a bad vibe.

“You need somewhere to sit?” He asked. Stevie opened her mouth to politely decline the invitation but he beat her to the punch. “Cus I got somewhere for you to sit.”

She stared at him in disgusted awe, her brain taking a few seconds to catch up.

“Ew,” Stevie sneered without even really meaning to. But fuck this guy. Who said shit like that? “I’m good.”

“Really? I can promise it’s nice and comfy-“

“I said I’m good,” Stevie gritted out, trying to step around the guy and get to a table. Maybe she’d just dump the tray and leave altogether, fuck it.

She tried to side step him but he shoved a shoulder toward her and hit her in the side, sending her tray flying toward her chest.

“Screw you, you fucking cow.”

Stevie watched the guy storm off, sore at being rejected so quickly. Salad dressing covering her favorite red shirt. Fuck. Stevie clenched her jaw and pulled the tray away, assessing her damage. Yeah. It was absolutely covered.

Fucking cow?

Who even-

Fuck him. Fuck him to hell and back. Whatever.

Stevie felt her cheeks darken as a few people glanced over. She swallowed up her embarrassment and moved fast toward the return line, sliding her tray onto a stack and throwing away her salad.

She had to get out.

She needed to change her shirt and maybe shower before her next class. She needed to pick the soggy lettuce out of her fucking cleavage.

Fuck college. Stevie shouldn’t even be here.

—

She ran back to her dorm. In the rain.

It was like something out of a movie. Something stereotypical and stupid, a teen comedy. Only this wasn’t funny and Stevie didn’t love looking like a drowned rat, especially when-

Fucking cow.

Whatever.

She pushed it back and passed through the dorms with little trouble, only nearly dropping her card once. At least Eddie would be in class already, at least-

Nope.

As soon as Stevie opened the dormroom door, she saw Eddie lounging comfortably on her bed. Tapping away with a pencil, her headphones around her neck for once. Blasting what sounded a lot like metal music. It was soft and barely illegible. Stevie didn’t really care, she just wished Eddie wasn’t around to see-

To see any of this.

She looked up within seconds.

She didn’t even look mad when she saw Stevie.

Just surprised.

Her mouth was open, her eyebrows raised.

Stevie froze in the doorway, shivering as she tried to shake her long hair out of her face.

God. Great. Just what she needed right now. To be glared at and belittled more.

“Did the rain try to drown you?” Eddie asked, void of anger for once.

Oh.

Stevie furrowed her brow and closed the door behind her, bending down to pull her soggy shoes off. Fucking amazing. Just wonderful. Now she had to talk to Eddie, the cherry on top of her terrible day.

“No,” Stevie snapped through gritted teeth. “I had to leave lunch early because-“

“What’s uh- what’s on your chest?”

Oh? So she could suddenly talk now, huh?

And be civil?

Something inside Stevie snapped as she finally got her second shoe off, straightening up and throwing her wet hair over her left shoulder. She hoped the rain hadn’t soaked her bag too badly.

“It’s salad dressing,” Stevie said, anger rolling off her body in waves. She couldn’t take it anymore. The sneering, the glaring. The fucking standoffish, bitchy attitude. “Because some fucking frat guy tried to harass me at lunch and when I wouldn’t take the bait, he shoved me and called me a cow and I’m tired and it’s storming out and I had to walk here because I don’t want to drive my car around campus because I have this stupid fear that everyone is gonna hate me because my parents are loaded and they don’t even want me here, they want me married off to an Italian man because they think I’m too stupid to take care of myself and maybe they’re right because I barely understand my stupid fucking classes and I seem to be struggling while everyone else is doing just fine!”

Eddie stared at Stevie in awe, eyes even wider than before.

Stevie regretted her outburst immediately. She felt disgusting, probably looked worse. She wanted to just-

“I don’t think that’s true,” Eddie said quietly, clearing her throat and looking down. “Everyone’s- we’re all freshmen, I’m sure other people are struggling just as much. Probably more. You should drive your car more, no need to sweat it out or-“ Eddie stared at Stevie’s wet shirt and swallowed awkwardly. “Or drown in the rain.”

Steve huffed up, thankful for the water so that maybe Eddie wouldn’t noticed how teary eyed she currently was.

“You’ll just make fun of me,” She reiterated, feeling quite childish. “Everyone just thinks I’m some kind of- I know I’m privileged, okay? I know no one wants to know anything about me or hear any sob story and- I’m not even trying to tell one, oh my god. I just want my roommate to not fucking act like I have the plague.”

Eddie was still stunned.

Stevie wanted to strangle her. Just a little.

“I’m- uhhh….” Eddie trailed off, eyes darting toward Stevie’s shorts. She hadn’t even thought to check the weather before she got dressed this morning. She was regretting it horribly now, as she shivered in the middle of the room. She wasn’t even sure when she’d walked closer to Eddie. “Not to- um, not to interrupt but I think- you might be having a problem.”

What?

Stevie scrunched her nose up, gaze following Eddie’s. Down her body, right to-

Her thighs.

Thin trails of blood mixed with rainwater.

Great. Just great.

Not embarrassing at all.

And now that Stevie knew, she could recognize the acute ache in her lower back.

She drew in a deep breath, eyes and fists and squeezing shut for a second. She didn’t want to open them. She kind of wanted to die. Just for a few minutes.

“Hey,” Came Eddie’s voice, soft from just across the room. “Why don’t you go shower? You could-“

“I haven’t been able to do laundry yet,” Stevie said, feeling a lot like a giant baby as she tried to keep it under control. “I’m such an idiot. I got too distracted with my new classes and I-“

“People forget things,” Eddie said. Stevie could hear her getting up, shuffling around. Deep breath, again. She had to leave soon, had to- “Here. You can borrow some of my clothes. They might not fit but-“

Stevie let out a painful little laugh.

“Not because you’re a cow,” Eddie said in a dull tone. Stevie could almost hear her eyes rolling. “That guy’s just a dick. You have uh….assets that I….don’t have. Is what I meant.”

Stevie couldn’t help but actually laugh at that, smiling a little as she peaked her eyes open and found Eddie standing in front of her. A pair of sweats and a sweatshirt in hand.

“Big tits and a big ass?” Stevie joked, blunter than usual as she reached for the clothes.

Eddie didn’t laugh.

She trailed her gaze down Stevie’s body for a handful of seconds.

“Something like that,” Eddie said, stepping back abruptly and clearing her throat. “Go shower. You’ll feel a lot better and you’ll be able to relax before your other classes.”

How did Eddie know Stevie wasn’t done with her classes for the day?

Probably just guess work.

“Okay,” Stevie said, resisting the urge to sniff the garments she’d been given. “Thank you.”

Eddie didn’t say you’re welcome. She only shrugged and went back to her bed.

Stevie didn’t mind.

—

Her shower really was amazing.

It helped a lot. That and some ibuprofen. And a heating pad that was calling Stevie’s name as she walked back into the dorm, hair clean and tied up.

The sweatpants were indeed tight on the ass, the sweatshirt baggier than Stevie expected. They smelled of laundry detergent and some kind of fruity lemon perfume.

Stevie made her way back into the room and-

And Eddie was gone.

That figured.

What was it about Stevie that drove people away so easily?

But that wasn’t all, was it?

There was a takeout container on her bed. On Stevie’s bed. With a tiny post it note.

‘For you, sorry.’

Stevie felt her face heat up, a blush like no other blooming all over. It was worse than that time in high school when Tommy tried to pants her. Only….not like that at all. This was nice. This was an apology.

Stevie tried not to smile as she got ready for her next class, hoping maybe now her day might turn around.

Chapter Text

“I mean it looks to me like you’re getting the hang of it.”

Well, now she was just being nice.

Stevie was trying to remain positive, she really was. It was incredibly hard to do so when human anatomy was actually ridiculously confusing. Like. She didn’t even realize the human body could be so confusing.

But Robin had offered to help Stevie.

It was kinder than anyone else had been to her since she’d come to this University. Although, in all fairness, Stevie had only been here for a little over two weeks. Two weeks of nearly pure hell.

She was probably being dramatic.

Her other classes weren’t that bad. Psych was kind of….rough. But she could understand it if she focused hard enough of the text.

That was the problem. Stevie wasn’t great at focusing on anything. She got distracted too easily, her mind flirting off to other places without her express permission.

“You think so?” Stevie asked, rubbing tiredly at her eyes. She probably looked like a mess. Hair in a bun that looked electrocuted, dark bags beneath her eyes. She knew their first quiz would be in a week and there was no way in hell she was going to fail the very first one. Absolutely not. Which was why she’s asked Robin to meet her in a study room in the library. It was supposed to force Stevie to pay attention and not fall asleep. She wasn’t so sure it was working.

“I know so,” Robin grinned, far too awake for Stevie. God. What was it like to have energy? Stevie used to have so much energy. She still hadn’t signed up for that volleyball group because she didn’t have the energy. Maybe next week would be different. “And hey, I can send you a link to a like, little test website. Gives you a bunch of practice quizzes. Jones is pretty straight forward from what I’ve heard, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

Right.

Stevie really hoped so.

She kept nodding, up and down. Like she was on autopilot and she couldn’t seem to-

“Okay,” Robin said, long and drawn out. “I think it’s bedtime for you, buddy.”

Huh?

Stevie frowned at Robin and nearly cracked her jaw on a big yawn. The timing would have been funny if she wasn’t so fucking groggy.

Maybe she really did need some sleep.

God….yeah, she was exhausted.

She decided to listen to Robin, not needing to be talked into leaving at all.

Even walking back to her room was a bit of a journey, as she had to use every brain cell possible to put one foot in front of the other. At least she was done for the day, at least she could-

Stevie wasn’t expecting Eddie to be in.

Which….okay, stupid. Eddie literally lived in the same room as her. Of course she would be-

But she wasn’t just in the room. On her bed, as usual. She was on her bed with a guitar.

It wasn’t that odd, not really. But Stevie wasn’t really all there.

As Stevie opened the door, she let a noise of surprise. Eddie had been….avoiding Stevie? Did it even count if she was only ever around randomly? She seemed to keep extremely odd hours.

“Sorry,” Stevie managed to squeak out as her eyes became stuck on a mahogany acoustic, pretty and shiny. She hadn’t yet seen one of Eddie’s guitars, though she knew Eddie had a couple. Probably more. “I can just-“

Stevie reached for the door, unsteady on her feet.

“No!” Eddie called, something abrupt and sudden to her voice as she sat her guitar down quickly and rose from the bed. “You don’t have to- um, I was just- just doing some homework. That was all. But you can stay, I can just go to-“

“What homework?” Stevie asked, turning away from the door with tired interest. She felt cloudy, out of it somehow.

Eddie looked surprised that Stevie would even ask. Why? Did Stevie seem that standoffish? That uninterested?

She needed to fix that.

“One of my music classes,” Eddie explained. “My professor is already assigning shit. He wants us to try some original work, so. I was just trying to figure out a good riff. But I can go to one of the practice rooms-“

“Please don’t,” Stevie said, a slip of the tongue that she immediately regretted. That wasn’t- that sounded strange, didn’t it? She was just so sleepy and she didn’t want to run Eddie off, not when they’d been getting along. Tentatively. “I’m just gonna lay down. I don’t mind a bit of music, you’re fine.”

Eddie seemed to hesitate, eyes roving over Stevie’s face.

“You look dead on your feet,” She noted with a frown. Stevie wasn’t sure if it was worry or- or disapproval? Either way, Stevie’s cheeks heated unhelpfully and she shoved away from the door and past Eddie. Stevie averted her gaze and dropped her bag to the floor, all of her assignments hidden away for now. She wouldn’t even be able to look at them for another few hours at least. “Are you sure I won’t bother-“

“You’re not gonna bother me,” Stevie said, another yawn breaking free as she toed her shoes off. Her hoodie was warm and her eyes felt heavy. Eddie was still just standing there, watching Stevie. “I promise.”

And if Stevie secretly wanted to hear Eddie play guitar, there was nothing to it. She’d just never met anyone musically inclined before. Not anyone she was close to.

Not that she- she wasn’t close to Eddie. Not at all.

But they lived together, so. Close enough.

“Alright,” Stevie was barely listening as she dropped face first onto her bed, arms hugging her pillow to her chest as she splayed down. She turned her face sideways so as to not suffocate. And to watch Eddie shuffle awkwardly back to her own bed, baggy pants dragging on the floor. Stevie was endlessly fascinated by her wardrobe. “I’ll just-“

“Mhm,” Stevie murmured, eyes finally falling shut.

It was moments before she heard the guitar, soft and melodic. Practiced. Some sort of song that felt like- Stevie wasn’t sure. She liked it. She liked how it kind of dragged, how each note stalling for half a second. Her brain couldn’t quite comprehend it, not with lack of sleep. But she could hear Eddie humming above it, something different above the notes of the guitar.

It made Stevie wonder if Eddie had lyrics. If Eddie liked to sing.

She drifted off fast, stuck on the pretty sound of Eddie’s guitar. Stevie wished she could have opened her eyes, just to watch for a second.

—

Eddie hadn’t really talked to Stevie since that weird pseudo apology. Or the guitar playing that put Stevie to sleep. Which was fine. Stevie could totally understand. Apologies were awkward at best, uncomfortable at worst.

She just….kind of wished her roommate would actually speak to her. Acknowledge her with more than a nod before she attempted to dart out of their room for the day.

Stevie hadn’t seen her guitar since that one day last week.

It was unfortunate. She’d liked what she remembered of the song Eddie played. Clearly she really was talented.

It made Stevie kind of sad. She’d never been good in piano lessons, so her mom had eventually allowed her to drop out. Stevie was pretty sure it was out of embarrassment more than anything. She often wondered what it must be like to be really good at something.

Which. Okay, not fair. Stevie was good at sports. Good enough. Sure, she hadn’t gotten an athletics scholarship. But that was probably her parents fault. It hadn’t been good enough for them and they-

Stevie was trying to be less negative lately, she really was. Just.

Why did her mom have to call now?

When she was already having another weird week? Did she just know all the best times to push Stevie’s buttons?

“-hope that you know you have a whole family name behind you that needs to be represented accordingly,” Stevie lay in her bed, eyes trained on the ceiling above. Dead, void of life as she listened to her mom ramble. She was used to this, she just had to keep telling herself that. You’re used to this, it’s not a big deal. It’s just a stupid phone-call. “How are your grades looking?”

How was Stevie supposed to know?

“Good,” She lied. She was pretty sure they weren’t bad, at least? “Can’t really complain.”

Short sentences. That was the best way to deal with her mother.

Stevie didn’t want to be on the phone forever, listening to a lecture she didn’t sign up for.

“You have to keep your head above water-“ Stevie let her eyes fall shut, the beginnings of a headache forming near her temples. Great. Fantastic. Just what she didn’t want. “If you’re going-“

Stevie heard the door open and closed, a muffled creak and click. Oh.

She held her phone to her ear as she peered awkwardly up, only to see Eddie. Eddie, with a guitar case in hand, trying to maneuver her way into the room.

“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to wake you-“ Eddie tried to say as Stevie sat up, only to be interrupted by Stevie’s mother.

“Who is that? Do you have a boy in your room?”

Stevie felt her face heat instantly, eyes going wide as Eddie stared at her. Her phone volume was loud, sure. But there was no way Eddie had heard-

“Stevie? Answer me, I’m your mother. You know how I feel about the idea of-“

“No!” Stevie cut in uncomfortably. “That was- that was my roommate. I’m not- you know I don’t- uh, my roommate just came in.”

“I don’t like when you lie to me,” Jesus Christ. And Eddie still hadn’t moved, stuck as she was. Staring at Stevie in confusion.

“I’m not- hey, I gotta go,” Stevie lied cleanly, wanting to avoid the argument that was bound to happen if she kept insisting that she did not have a boy in her room. Stevie’s mom never believed her. She tried to keep talking but- “I’ll talk to you later. Bye, mom. Love you.”

Stevie didn’t wait for an I love you back. Mostly because her mom rarely said it. It was whatever, lots of people didn’t-

“I’m so sorry,” Stevie breathed once she’d finally hung up. Eddie unfroze, setting her case on the floor and pulling her backpack off. “My mom is- and- and I’m sure she wouldn’t- I’m sorry she thought you were a dude.”

Eddie snorted out an amused laugh and shrugged as she fell onto her bed, leaning down to untie her boots. Stevie really liked them. Somehow, they just seemed to suit Eddie. Much like the rest of her clothing.

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Eddie said with a- with a wink. Okay. What did that mean? Stevie wished her face wasn’t so stupidly hot. Why was the dorm a sauna today? “It’s the voice and body hair, I think.”

Stevie gazed at Eddie for a moment, eyes squinting. She wasn’t going to ask, it’d be rude to-

“You don’t seem like you have much body hair,” Stevie noted, eyes roving over Eddie for a moment. Her usual uniform, obscuring her slim build.

“Sure I do,” Eddie grinned suddenly, raising an arm up into the air. Her tank top was loose enough for Stevie to see- yeah, a thick nest of hair in her pit. Stevie stared rudely as Eddie smiled. She wasn’t sure what to say or think or do but- “That’s nothing compared to the rest of me.”

The rest of her?

Eddie gestured sarcastically to her belly, just a strip of skin visible.

It was then that Stevie realized….Eddie had a happy trail. The sort of thing that Stevie herself had waxed away. Just a strip of hair leading downward, disappearing into the line of her jeans.

“How long did that take?” Stevie asked numbly, not really able to form words for some reason. Maybe she was just weirded out. It had to be that. She was- she was weirded out or grossed out or- but Stevie wasn’t that judgy, was she? “To grow out, I mean.”

“A few months,” Eddie shrugged easily. “Got peer pressured into shaving in high school and stopped at about the time I realized I liked…”

Eddie trailed off and grimaced.

Well. That just wouldn’t do.

They were sharing things. Stevie wanted to keep sharing things.

“Realized you liked what?” Stevie asked, trying to be as supportive as possible. She was coming up with blanks as to what Eddie might say. She kept looking down at the trail of hair, distracted by it.

“Pussy,” Eddie said simply, happily. Stevie felt her jaw drop open and had to shut it instantly. Embarrassing. Stop that. “Sorry, that’s vulgar. Girls. I realized I liked girls and that girls tend to….not care as much. At least, none of my exes cared.”

An alarm was blaring in Stevie’s brain, screaming at her to shut up. Stop the conversation here. There was no need to keep going.

When had Eddie become so open? She barely talked to Stevie before.

“Do you care?” Stevie asked, unsure why she was even asking. What was the question? What were they talking about? Eddie was just standing sitting there, leaned back on the bed. Hair a mess, eyes shadowed. “Like….when a girl has…”

How did they get onto the topic of sex?

Did this even count as discussing sex?

“Not one bit,” Eddie smiled again, softer this time. “I don’t have a preference, really. Not my body, not my choice.”

Right. So.

Stevie was about to divulge some information that she shouldn’t.

Info dumping in three, two, one-

“I’ve been getting a full Brazilian for years now,” Stevie blurted out, completely unbidden. What the fuck? What the actual fuck? “But I’m not sure what- I mean, I don’t sleep with- no guy has ever- oh my god. Oh my god? Why am I- you don’t need to know about my waxing habits, what is wrong with me?”

Eddie was smiling even wider now, her eyes lit up bright. A little too bright. Stevie wasn’t sure if she liked this side of Eddie or not. There was something mischievous underneath her grin.

“No, no, go on,” Eddie encouraged with an almost sarcastic wave of her hand. Stevie glared and blushed some more, her face lit up like a firework. “Why do you do it? Do you like, enjoy doing it?”

Stevie hesitated.

Eddie didn’t sound judgmental, not exactly. Still. You could never be too cautious. Stevie had to tamp down on the urge to be defensive.

“My mom wanted me to?” Eddie made a face at that. And yeah, it sounded pretty bad. “I did some pageants growing up and- and they want you in bikinis. So. I did that and a lot of tanning but-“

“Surely you didn’t need to tan much,” Eddie said, eyes grazing over Stevie’s bare legs. Okay. Whatever that meant. “Just. You’re already pretty tan.”

Oh.

“Y-yeah,” Stevie stuttered and cleared her throat. “Yeah, so like. She just wanted me to fit in with the other girls, so. I did it and kind of- I don’t know, hated it for the first few years. It hurts but then you get used to it.”

Eddie’s eyes narrowed.

“But do you like it?”

Stevie bit her lip and thought about it. Like. Really hard. Did she like it? She didn’t get spray tans for a reason anymore. They always smelled weird and she didn’t like the day of inactivity just for it to settle.

“I guess?” Clearly that wasn’t the answer Eddie was looking for. “I don’t hate it. It is what it is. I guess- I guess, if I had my way, I’d do something different.”

Eddie seemed overly invested in this conversation.

“Different?”

Stevie wasn’t going to-

“Like….there were a couple of girls who had landing strips? Or little triangles? Like they must have asked for them when they were…” Stevie wasn’t sure her face would ever recover. Not if Eddie kept grinning at her like this discussion was the funniest thing ever. Yet, Stevie didn’t feel like she was being made fun of. Not at all. “Anyway, maybe that. Something fun.”

Eddie bit her bottom lip and nodded like she fully understood.

“I slept with this girl once who had a heart down there,” She offered up. Like that was….like that was a casual thing to say. Oh, hi! My names Eddie! I like girls and I sleep with them! Stevie wasn’t even sure why she was squirming. Why was she so uncomfortable? She knew plenty of- well, she didn’t. Actually, she didn’t at all. “Was really cute.”

“Cool,” Stevie squeaked, eyes wider than the moon. “That’s- that’s so cool.”

Cool? She never- oh my god, she never said shit like that. Was she really such a prude that this, of all things, was managing to make her uncomfortable? Surely not. Girls talked about stuff like this all the time. All the time. Every girl Stevie knew and had been close to growing up was- they all talked about invasive things. Waxing, shaving, periods. Why was it so much more embarrassing when Eddie mentioned it?

Maybe it was because they hadn’t talked much before all this. They were practically strangers.

“I’d- maybe. I could do something like that. Maybe.”

Eddie’s grin softened the smallest amount, something sneakier.

“You should do whatever you want to your body,” She said. It was almost soothing. And really, it was such a simple statement. Stevie had no clue why it made her so fucking itchy. “Including body hair. You’re a pretty girl, anyway. I’m not sure there’s much you could do to upset anyone.”

Pretty.

Stevie felt a little-

Dizzy? Sleepy? She wasn’t sure.

Probably sleepy. She never got good enough sleep anymore.

“I could shave all my hair off,” Stevie tried to joke. It wasn’t something she wanted for herself, not really. She liked her hair nice and long, despite how cumbersome it could be during exercise.

Eddie’s eyes twinkled. The room felt-

Serious? Suddenly? Was that even a thing?

“Even then,” Eddie said with a shrug. “Hair is just hair.”

True.

Stevie liked Eddie’s. It was a bit shorter than Stevie’s but it was curlier. Wilder. Stevie wondered if she had to use a lot of conditioner. What scent it was. What it felt like to-

“You don’t like my hair?” Stevie asked softly, confused by her own question.

There was a pause. A drop of silence that seemed to stretch on for far too long.

Eddie stared at Steve, her mouth half open. As if Stevie had asked something insane.

“That’s a dumb question,” Eddie laughed, one arm raising up to scratch the back of her neck. Exposing the hair under her arms again. “You’re like- it’s, uh- well, it’s-“

Stevie stared in shock as Eddie fumbled her way through an awkward reply. What was happening?

“You think I’m dumb?” Stevie asked, feeling playful. She kept her face stoic, only a tiny concerned tilt between her brows.

“No!” Eddie said adamantly. Oh my god. Stevie couldn’t believe she was actually- “Not at all. Just. You’re like-“ Eddie gestured up and down toward Steve with a grimace that could have been read terribly wrong. If only Stevie couldn’t see the nerves on Eddie’s face. She’d definitely been there before. Too worried about offending another girl to even say much to her. “The pageant thing makes sense, that’s all. Tall and tan and- it makes sense. You have amazing hair, it’s very shiny.”

Stevie beamed suddenly, the full force of her smile on show.

“Thank you, I use hair oil,” She said, tossing her hair aside for emphasis. Eddie wasn’t quite red but she definitely looked embarrassed. Stevie shouldn’t have been so mean, right? Only it didn’t feel like she was being particularly mean. Just joking around, the way she might with a few friends back home. The ones who wouldn’t get too offended. Even then, Stevie always managed to find a way. “It’s, um. I take care of myself, I guess? Not that- I guess I’m just used to it. I like the routine.”

Eddie tucked her tongue between her teeth and nodded. Better. She looked less uncomfortable now.

“That’s okay,” Eddie said reassuringly. Though Stevie wasn’t sure why exactly. “You’re allowed to like things, you know. You don’t have to defend them.”

Yes, she did.

The thought struck Stevie.

Had she really spent this much of her life defending the things she enjoyed? It was always either defending her love of sports to her mother or defending her love of girly things to people who thought she didn’t deserve them. Where was the in between? Where was the middle ground for girls like her? It wasn’t fair that she-

“I guess you’re right,” Stevie said, cutting the weed before it could grow. If you don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist. Besides, Eddie seemed pretty confident. Non judgmental. Mostly. Stevie was pretty sure she wasn’t. “I’m sorry for-“

“Literally what could you have to apologize for?” Eddie asked with a frown, interrupting Stevie immediately. “I’m the one who made fun of your name. Which is dope, by the way.”

The joke slipped out before Stevie could help it.

“Just about the only good thing my mom’s ever given me,” Stevie blurted, eyes spanning wide immediately after. Oh fuck. Why would she even say that? It wasn’t true- “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“Don’t apologize,” Eddie grinned, letting out a giggle that had Stevie feeling oddly proud. “She’s not here, is she? Obviously you meant it, so. Don’t take it back.”

Don’t take it back. Okay.

Stevie breathed deep and tried to calm her racing heart. No need to talk about how her mom used to delve into her private life. How she used to find out things via the other moms in their community. Chatter and gossip. Stevie was a good girl, she never did anything wrong.

Stevie’s mom wasn’t here.

She felt oddly emotional all of a sudden.

“Thank you,” Stevie said, staring down at her hands and willing the new feeling to go away. Not now, this was embarrassing. Please don’t get all weepy over something so stupid. “Uh, just in general. For being nice, I guess?”

Eddie snorted self deprecatingly.

“Me? Nice?” She asked, pointing at herself. Almost like she was trying to save face. “You have no idea the monster I can be.”

The statement sent Stevie into a fit of giggles, so serious but not at the same time.

Maybe Eddie wasn’t so bad after all.

—

Stevie’s next couple of days weren’t so bad. She felt like she was finally getting the hang of her anatomy class (with Robin’s kind help) and she’d even wound up actually making it to the tennis meet up she’d had her eyes on.

It was for girls who couldn’t quite fit athletics into their schedule but still wanted to have it there as a fun aside. Stevie appreciated the casualness of the club, despite the fact that she missed competing. In anything, really. Stevie missed home games and away games and killing her body at hot practices.

At least this way she could get a taste of it in college.

Stevie didn’t want to dress up too much but she also didn’t want to be uncomfortable. She had plenty of tennis skorts, of course she did. She’d practically grown up in any sort of work out clothing you could imagine. It was half of her wardrobe. She’d opted for a white pair instead of the pink ones that called her name. Her mom had made a nasty remark about them the first time she’d tried them on, so.

Her fathers reaction to her outfits was somehow worse, even. He always turned his nose up, said something about how she should maybe throw something on underneath.

Stevie was just tired.

But at least they couldn’t look at her here, could they? They couldn’t hyper analyze her wardrobe and act like they had any say over-

Okay. That wasn’t very nice of her, was it? Her parents bought all her clothes, didn’t they? They basically encouraged it. So. She needed to be a little less bitchy about their input. Even if she didn’t quite appreciate it.

Still. It was nice that they couldn’t see how short her skirt really was. Even if it had built in shorts, they’d never approve.

Stevie made her way to the courts, a bounce in her step that sent her ponytail swinging side to side.

She was trying to push down the excitement. There was no need to set her expectations too high, just to be disappointed.

There was about ten girls in total, already warming up on the court.

Stevie didn’t recognize any of them, of course. Why would she? She barely got out, besides her daily classes.

Maybe she should change that. Probably.

“Hi!” A peppy brunette girl made her way over to Stevie, chewing gum loudly as she got closer. She was a bit shorter, with long shiny hair and a tan complexion. She was clean girl pretty, the kind of girl Stevie had always envied. “I’m Heather! You must be Stevie. I remembered because your sign up said you were tall!”

Oh.

Stevie wasn’t sure if-

Another girl approached them, blonde hair and a mean smirk.

“Like a giant,” She noted, scrunching her nose up subtlety. “That must come in handy.”

That was….kind of rude, wasn’t it? Stevie sometimes had a hard time telling. You’d think with her history that wouldn’t be the case but….yeah, she was second guessing herself. Until Heather rolled her eyes and elbowed the girl next to her.

“Alicia’s just mad that she’s a shrimp,” She said with a laugh, cutting the tension immediately. “She’s right though. Why aren’t you on any of our teams? I saw the rest of your application, you’re crazy over qualified.”

Stevie tried to hide a grimace.

“Guess it’s just a hobby for me,” She lied. As if her parents hadn’t already talked her out of it. Stevie wasn’t that good, anyway. Not at anything. But that was kind of a depressing answer, so. She’d rather not go there with these girls she’d just met.

“It’s a hobby you’re good at, right?” Heather asked, ignoring the side eye from Alicia. Whatever. Stevie had dealt with girls like her before. Stevie nodded, feeling slightly more confident. “Then don’t sell yourself short.”

Right. Stevie would try.

—

Tennis was fun. And fucking tiring.

Maybe Stevie was getting out of shape.

By the time they finished up, she was pouring sweat. It wasn’t exactly cool out, so it made sense. But still, she needed a shower like crazy.

And maybe something to eat too. Her physical activity lately had amounted to walking to and from class occasionally. She needed to get back into a gym. Maybe bring her yoga mat out, something. She wasn’t used to staying still so often, maybe that was why her mental health had taken such a sudden decline.

Or maybe she just wasn’t prepared for college. She had an English quiz coming up and she knew she wasn’t ready. Maybe she could convince someone to help her. Not Robin though, no. The poor girl had enough on her plate and she’d already helped Stevie so much.

Stevie made her back to her dorm, chugging down water the entire way. God, maybe she should have actually brought her car. Her legs already felt like jelly by the time she stepped foot in the building.

She greeted the girl on the front desk with a nod and a wave, making her way upstairs. She was glad the dorms weren’t that big, at the very least. She never had to go very far to get to her peace and quiet.

She actually expected Eddie to be in this time around, as the sun was already beginning to set.

And she was.

But. She was playing her guitar again, pausing to take notes when Stevie opened their door and nearly dropped her bag. Not that it was surprising, she just didn’t expect to see Eddie playing it again. That was all.

“Oh,” Eddie said, glancing up as Stevie shut the door hastily behind her, already stripping off her shoes and grossly sweaty socks. She was pretty sure she didn’t smell terrible, right? Could she get away with subtly sniffing her pits to see? “You’re back early. And….dressed in….”

Eddie trailed off, eyes trained on Stevie’s skirt. On her legs. Did she look bad? She was pretty sure she didn’t look bad when she left but a full work out usually made Stevie look like a mess.

“Tennis,” Stevie said, flipping her ponytail like a complete idiot. She sat her bag next to her bed and began pulling her hair down. “It was a lot of fun, actually. I missed being active.”

“Wouldn’t know what that’s like,” Eddie joked, chin leaning over her guitar as she watched Stevie move about the room. She seemed to love doing that. Just watching. “Unless you count-“

“Do not say sex,” Stevie laughed as she picked up a hairbrush, blushing despite the bravery of her words. Would there ever be a day where discussing sex didn’t embarrass her? Probably not. “You sound like one of those gross frat guys.”

Stevie didn’t look at Eddie but she heard her snort, followed by an offended laugh.

“Me? I would never,” She opposed. “I’m a gentleman, Stevie. I always call ladies back.”

Stevie turned and gave Eddie a side eye. Were they joking? Had they gotten there?

“I’m sure you do.”

Eddie reached for her guitar, placing it on the floor next to her bed.

“I do,” She insisted light heartedly. “As a matter of fact-“

“What about that one girl?” Stevie asked, brushing through a tangle that she must have gotten out on the court. “The one with the short black hair?”

Eddie froze in place. Or Stevie assumed she had. She was a little too embarrassed to look. Why had she mentioned that? As if it was any of her business at all. Stevie was going to offend Eddie, when they’d just managed to form some sort of tentative bond.

“We…..uh, well,” Stevie took the chance to look over at Eddie, only to catch her awkwardly scratching her neck again. “We….decided to hang out. A few times. It didn’t really….lead anywhere.”

Huh.

Stevie sat her brush down finally and turned to Eddie, arms crossed over her chest.

“What does hanging out entail?” Stevie asked, weirdly feeling like she was interrogating her roommate.

She wasn’t. She just….kind of wanted to know.

“I don’t think you want to know,” Eddie joked lightly. Ironic. God, why did she always have to stare like that? All focused and intense and- “We just….didn’t click.”

Okay. That made sense. So it was…it wasn’t romantic. Stevie was assuming. It was a horrible assumption. Just because Eddie was gay, it didn’t mean she had to-

And then a thought hit Stevie. It was out before she could think it over.

“What do we do if we…what do you do if you want to bring a girl back here?” Stevie asked quietly. Eddie’s eyes narrowed, a frown etching over her lips. “Not that I care! I don’t, obviously. Just. It’d be pretty weird if I walked in on you…”

What did two girls even do together?

Stevie was pretty sure she knew the logistics, like. She wasn’t a complete prude. She just. Didn’t know that much. Not really. Her inexperience certainly didn’t help.

She wasn’t about to ask Eddie. God no.

“Right,” Eddie noted, immediately deflating. “I can always text you or-“ No, not that. That was somehow worse than anything else. Why was that worse? Stevie would just be thinking about it if Eddie told her. And- and she didn’t really want to think about Eddie and some girl- “Or leave a sock on the doorknob? That’s, like. A thing dudes do, I think.”

A sock on the doorknob?

“It would indicate that I’m, you know…” Eddie trailed off and did a vague hand gesture. Stevie wasn’t confused, she understood perfectly now. “And you can do it too if you like.”

That actually made Stevie laugh.

Yeah, not likely.

“I highly doubt I’ll need to do that,” Stevie said, deciding she might as well sit for a moment if she was going to talk to Eddie. It would be fine. She could shower in a little bit. She liked talking to Eddie now that the weird tension and anger was gone.

Eddie gave her a strange look, seeming to chew on her words for a moment. Stevie really had no clue what to expect from her next.

“Are you, like….celibate?”

Stevie nearly wheezed at Eddie’s question, cracking a grin as the other girl stared at her in befuddlement.

“What?” Eddie asked defensively. “It’s- you could be religious! I don’t know, you could have taken a vow or something. How am I supposed to know if you’re a virgin or not?”

Stevie didn’t even think about it. Eddie was just easy to talk now, wasn’t she?

“Easy,” Stevie said through a laugh. “All you have to do is talk to me for five minutes and you’ll figure out that I’m a huge virgin.”

Oh.

Well. The cat was out of the bag now.

“You are?” Eddie asked, sounding insultingly surprised. Well. That was kind of rude. She seemed to realize her mistake a second later. “Not that- that’s not bad, not at all. I’m just….shocked, I guess.”

Stevie shrugged and tried to play it off, crossing her legs and clearing her throat like she might play off some of the discomfort. This topic always made her itchy. Carol loved making fun of Stevie for it.

“I guess I just never got close enough to anyone,” She said. “I mean…I’ve dated guys. I just didn’t want to go all the way, so I didn’t.”

Eddie looked weirdly impressed.

“That’s kind of metal,” She said, shocking Stevie into a laugh. “What? It is! Being a cock tease is totally metal.”

Stevie stopped mid laugh, choking on her own spit like an idiot. She had to cough into her hand, eyes nearly tearing up as her heart pounded at- at that. Of all things.

“Don’t think I’ve ever been called that,” Stevie admitted, blushing up a storm as Eddie smiled warmly. It was an insult, sure. One that Carol liked to use for other girls. But it didn’t sound like an insult coming from Eddie. “People are usually more polite, where I come from.”

Eddie didn’t look offended, far from it.

“Well,” She said with a light shrug. “I’m definitely not polite. So I guess you’ll just have to get used to it, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Stevie smiled back at her. “I guess I will.”

Chapter Text

Stevie wasn’t sure how to actually become friends with someone like Eddie.

They hadn’t even been in school for a month and she was still struggling with how to approach the topic of, like. Actually hanging out.

Eddie wasn’t trying to avoid her anymore, so that was good. They even made small talk sometimes. It just seemed like Eddie talked to other people more. Like she kind of…lit up, got really animated when she talked to other students in their dorm. It made Stevie feel odd. Maybe she just wasn’t interesting enough for someone like Eddie.

Maybe they weren’t on the same playing field at all.

But at least Eddie wasn’t fleeing at the sight of her anymore. That part was good. Stevie even got to hear her play her guitar a few times. No singing yet, unfortunately. Stevie wasn’t even sure if Eddie liked to sing or not.

She wasn’t about to ask. That would probably seem rude. She hadn’t even asked Eddie if she would play for her again. Eddie did it on her own.

So maybe they were becoming friends. Or something close to friends. Stevie really hoped so, she could use a few. It was hard for her in high school, so of course she hadn’t gained much experience since.

Robin was busy lately, was the thing. Stevie couldn’t fault her for it. Not at all. She was exceedingly kind to Stevie when she didn’t have to be, she helped her with any assignment Stevie was too dumb to do on her own, she ate lunch with Stevie whenever she could.

It was just hard to not feel like a bit of a charity case, that was all. Stevie kept trying to push the negative feeling away. It wasn’t very kind to Robin, someone who seemed to show endless kindness of her own. Even to people she clearly didn’t mesh with.

But still.

Stevie had already tried to befriend another girl just today. In her psych class.

She was short and petite, hair dyed a luminescent pink. She always had these long red nails that Stevie thought were pretty. Stevie could never pull anything like that off, not even in her dreams.

And she told the girl exactly that when they accidentally sat next to each other for the day.

“I could never pull those off,” Stevie said, grinning and nodding at the girls long fingernails. “Not with my man hands.”

The girl stared at Stevie for a good few seconds. Long enough that Stevie was starting to really feel awkward. The tension was almost embarrassing.

“Do you always insult yourself to compliment others?” The girl asked, somewhat snide as she turned her nose up at Stevie. “You know, that’s kind of self centered.”

What?

Stevie frowned, already dousing herself in metaphorical cold water. She hadn’t expected a thank you or anything but-

“How is it self centered?” She asked, feeling more and more awkward as the other girl smiled condescendingly at her.

“Because you’re making a compliment for another person about yourself,” She said, speaking slowly. Like she thought Stevie was just that stupid. “We’re in a psych class, I figured that would be pretty self explanatory. It’s my major, so.”

Stevie really didn’t care.

“Really sorry, I’ll make sure to ask the next person I compliment what their major is,” Stevie said happily, giving the girl her most bimbo look imaginable. Normally Steve wasn’t so mean but…

The girl glared right back at her, mouth slightly open in shock.

Stevie smiled at the pink haired girl and turned abruptly back to her text book. Fine. Be that way. Stevie didn’t want to be friends with her anyway, Jesus Christ. Why was everyone so rude around here? Why was she being psychoanalyzed by a first year psych student in the first place?

The girl looked offended that Stevie had clearly responded to her rudeness in kind but thankfully she didn’t push the matter, instead turning to her own book with a loud sigh. Too loud. How had Stevie not noticed how annoying she was before?

The entire class period ended up being insufferable. Just to make matters worse, their professor had apparently never aged out of the high school system of assigning projects to her students.

Stevie hadn’t known the pink haired girls name at the time. Not until the teacher was actually calling names out.

“Samantha Smith and Stevie Harrington,” Their professor called, going down a long list of paired up names.

Stevie had looked around for her partner, only to be faced with the same girl. Except she was scowling even more, her pretty face messed up and bitchy.

“Oh good,” Stevie said lightly, unable to help herself. “What’s the project about?”

She’d been listening to the professor but she couldn’t help but want to push at this girls buttons. She was rude and pseudo intellectual. Fuck her.

Stevie would feel guilty about her thoughts later. The look Samantha sent her was so worth it.

—

Robin couldn’t make it to their study session.

Stevie was being so brave and nice about it, actually. It wasn’t Robin’s fault. She had some sort of club meeting. Stevie couldn’t really hear her over the noise of the lunch hall. Something about robotics and how she’d have to miss movie night for another club or something.

Stevie didn’t have another tennis meetup for a week, unfortunately. She was half looking forward to and half regretting joining. Heather was great but Alicia was….kind of not great. And then this Samantha girl too. How many people on campus were gonna be outright rude to Stevie for zero reason? When all she wanted to do was make friends and be nice.

Maybe she just wasn’t good at making friends.

Stevie ate lunch alone, chewing sadly at her salad and hoping that maybe she could go back to her dorm soon and just pass out for the day. Yeah, that would be nice. Avoiding everyone, as if she even had to. She didn’t realize college would be so lonely.

—

Eddie was in the dorm.

She wasn’t playing her guitar this time.

Her hair was wet and curly, dripping over the shoulders of her very big grey tshirt. She sat with a book, jotting down notes here and there. She looked sort of confused but-

Stevie tried to close the door quietly.

Eddie looked up anyway.

“Hey there,” She said, her lips twisted into a soft smile. Stevie wasn’t sure what to make of it. While Eddie wasn’t mean to her anymore, she wasn’t exactly too familiar with Stevie either. “You’re not skipping class, are you?”

Stevie felt her face heat, shutting the door quickly as she made her way inside.

“I- yeah, I kind of am,” Stevie said, setting her bag down on the bed and landing a little too hard atop it. Not embarrassing at all. “It’s okay though- it’s not- I mean, it wasn’t an important day or anything.”

Eddie grinned a little wider. She has dimples, Stevie noticed for the first time.

“Hey, it’s fine,” Eddie said, setting her book aside. Her smiled dimmed as she looked Stevie over. Like an X-ray, Jesus. “Are you alright? You seem off?”

Oh. How did she know?

Stevie didn’t really have it in her to lie. Plus, it was nice that someone was finally talking to her.

“I dunno,” Stevie stared at her hands, fingers intertwining in her lap. She’d worn a cute pair of shirts today and everything. As if they’d bring her good luck. Ha. “I guess I just….I got a partner for a psych project today and she’s kind of not the nicest person ever? And I don’t know why, really. I tried talking to her, I complimented her nails. She just doesn’t like me.”

Uh oh. She was dangerously close to admitting that she needed to be liked by people.

Eddie probably would look down on that.

“Ah, I can probably guess why she’s being rude to you.”

Stevie looked up at Eddie, startled to find her staring right back at Stevie. She was leaned back into her own wall, one knee lifted. Her pants were baggy and green. Not the kind of thing Stevie would wear but she liked them.

“Huh? Why? She said I was putting myself down to compliment her because I said I have man hands,” Stevie frowned to herself, still annoyed by the interaction.

Eddie let out a laugh, sounding a lot like she hadn’t meant to.

She coughed it away, rubbing a hand over her chin.

“Yeah, you definitely do not have man hands,” Eddie said absentmindedly. Oh. Oh? What did that mean? “She’s probably just jealous.”

It was Stevie’s turn to laugh, her eyebrows shooting up. Eddie didn’t return the gesture at all.

“Jealous? Of what? Me?” Stevie asked, feeling a little like she was in the twilight zone. No one was jealous over her, not even a little bit. That hadn’t been a thing for her growing up and it wasn’t about to start.

Eddie shrugged, all relaxed.

“Has anyone ever told you you could be a model?” Eddie asked, hammering on when Stevie laughed incredulously. Right, okay. “I’m so serious. You’re pretty. I may not be all that feminine but I know female jealousy. She sounds like an ass. I’m sorry she was rude to you and didn’t understand your self deprecating humor. Although, again, you do not have man hands.”

Stevie snorted, a gross noise she immediately wanted to take back. But Eddie didn’t seem to mind.

Pretty?

“You think I’m pretty?” Stevie asked, unsure why she felt like her bed was moving. Like the room was shifting around her, sort of. The gentlest rollercoaster she’d ever been on. Was she dizzy? She couldn’t tell. People didn’t compliment her much.

Eddie rolled her eyes good naturedly.

“Like you don’t get told that daily,” She joked, not realizing that Stevie really never got told that ever. Unless it was a guy who wanted to- “I see you’re ignoring the hand comment.”

Stevie couldn’t help but to giggle, face flaming just a bit as she looked down at her hands.

She examined her fingers and her shortened nails. The long lines of them, how boring they were.

“I don’t know,” Stevie sighed. “It’s stupid. It’s not even a bad insult, I guess. There’s- hands can’t be manly, I know. They’re just hands. But- but I think I just…want really badly to be a person that I’m not. Oh my god, that’s so dumb. I sound like I’m trying to be deep. I’m so sorry.”

Eddie looked infinitely pleased. And amused. Stevie could see her dimples again.

“How does that relate to your nails?” Eddie asked, clearly not asking to be rude. Stevie still felt kind of dumb.

“Um, well. She had these long red nails, right? And I can’t really have acrylics because I play too many sports and I’d just hurt myself. Been there before but…it’s not really just that,” Why was she saying all this? What kind of weird conversation were they having? “It’s like….the guys I went to school with would say shit sometimes. About me being like, kind of strong and- and how I couldn’t make myself look less like a man.”

“You don’t look like a man,” Eddie said softly, briefly interrupting Stevie. “And even if you did, it wouldn’t matter. Men can be pretty.”

Stevie huffed in frustration.

“I know that,” She insisted, not annoyed with Eddie. Just annoyed in general. Confused. “But it’s like…I’m not allowed to have red nails. I’m not allowed to wear frilly skirts and heels and- I’m not allowed to.”

Stevie felt a little choked up. God, please not today.

“Why? Who told you you’re not allowed to?”

What a good question.

“Because it doesn’t suit me,” Stevie admitted with a sad shrug. “Because people think the worst or I get made fun of or- or I’m just ‘slapping lipstick on a pig’ or I have cankles or- you know? It’s exhausting.”

Stevie didn’t want to look at Eddie again. She didn’t want to see any pity in her gaze this time.

“You’re allowed to wear and do whatever you want,” Eddie said. Stevie heard her shift on the bed but refused to look up. “Gender and stereotypes are kind of…they’re confusing, right? But you can be athletic and like pink. Fuck anyone who thinks you can’t. They’re not worth your concern or time.”

Stevie breathed deep, shoulders rolling with the motion. It felt a lot like she’d let a heavy weight off of her shoulders.

She wanted to change the subject. She didn’t want every conversation to with Eddie to turn out this awkward.

“So I should paint my nails red then?” Stevie asked, biting her lip and looking up again. Eddie was focused on her, gaze slipping down to Stevie’s hands in her lap.

“Yeah,” Eddie said, sounding oddly out of breath. “I think red’s your color. Or pink. Hell, maybe blue is. Maybe every color is.”

Stevie couldn’t help but giggle, unsure what they’d starting talking about in the first place.

Oh.

Right.

She hesitated to speak, unsure if she was taking up too much of Eddie’s time. Her hair was slowly drying, curling around her ears.

“Do you…” Stevie trailed off uncomfortably. No, not the right way to start that sentence. “Are you having trouble making friends?”

She felt oddly childish asking. But she needed to know.

“I guess not?” Eddie said, squinting as if she had to really think about it. “I mean, I’m not insanely close to anyone yet but…I guess I have a few acquaintances. Why do you ask?”

She sounded concerned. Again.

Stevie really was so confused.

“It feels a lot like…” A beat of silence passed between them as Stevie chewed on her lip. “Like I’m just this social pariah. I feel like I keep trying to-“

“Robins your friend, right?” Eddie asked suddenly, her expression still.

“Yeah,” Steve responded slowly. “But like…she’s so busy and I don’t fault her for that or anything but it’s just- I feel-“

“Lonely?”

Yeah.

“I didn’t realize college would be so isolating,” Stevie admitted with a cringe. She didn’t want to say it out loud, not to anyone. It only made her feel more isolated and embarrassed. Like a loser.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Eddie said with an eyebrow wiggle. Stevie didn’t quite understand. “I’m goin’ to a movie night later. Do you wanna come?”

Did she?

“Yeah- I guess, yeah I’d like to,” Stevie said, her heart beating harder in a strange way. “It’s- who all is it?”

Please, don’t let it be any of the people she couldn’t stand. The list was really growing lately.

“Some of the queer alliance group I’m part of,” Oh. Eddie said it so nonchalantly. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing like glee. I promise.”

Stevie let out a startled laugh, already relaxing around Eddie.

“Think they’ll like me?” She asked unwittingly.

Eddie wasn’t quite smiling.

“I think they will, yeah,” She said, clearing her throat suddenly and shifting to get up off the bed. “I’ve gotta, um. I gotta go to the library real quick but it’s at seven tonight. Why don’t you take a nap?”

Stevie couldn’t quite answer Eddie.

No, she was too distracted watching her move over to her dresser.

She pulled a shirt out, some silky black short sleeve.

And then she just-

Reached down and pulled her other shirt off. With her back to Stevie. Right there.

Stevie should have looked away. She was too focused on the tattoo on Eddie’s shoulders, a mirage of spiky flowers.

Oh.

Stevie swallowed convulsively, eyes too wide. Eddie was just- just standing there. In no bra. Stevie only had a few friends with small enough chests for that.

And then she watched Eddie pull the new shirt on, tossing the other onto her bed.

“Stevie?” Eddie asked, turning around with a frown on her lips.

Oh. Right. She’d asked something.

“Yeah,” Stevie agreed sort of numbly. Robotically. “Yeah, I could probably use a nap.”

Again. She was too distracted by whatever Eddie was doing. Spraying a dark bottle of perfume onto her neck and wrists before she left to go to the library?

How odd.

Stevie felt strange just staring at her but she really couldn’t seem to look away. She watched as Eddie slid her rings back on, a few leather bracelets. No bra still.

Hm.

Why was it so fucking stuffy in the dorms all the time? She wished the air actually worked. Or something. There was no reason for it to be so hot all the time.

“I won’t be long,” Eddie grinned at her, pocketing her wallet too. Huh. It was so weird how she was getting so ready, just to- “I’ll even wake you up.”

Oh. Okay.

Stevie watched Eddie leave, feeling a lot like she’d just missed a big piece of a puzzle.

—

Stevie stripped down to basics for her nap. It was a problem she’d had her entire life. She couldn’t sleep unless she was completely comfortable. But maybe that was fading away a bit with college. She was so busy now that she usually knocked out in five minutes.

Still. She loved her pajama shorts and her soft tshirts. Unfortunately, she needed to wash clothes again.

So a nightie would have to do.

She was almost tempted to steal a shirt from Eddie but-

No. Not a good idea. She kept doing weird shit, it seemed. She needed to be more careful, Eddie had just accepted her as a friend. Or something. Maybe?

Stevie hoped so.

She passed out fairly quickly, rolling back in forth in pink silk as she tried her best to cool off. It wasn’t working, of course not. Her nap was fitful at best. She weaves in and out of dreams, wisps of things she would barely remember later.

Stevie awoke to the sound of the dorm room opening quietly.

She wasn’t even sure why it woke her up.

“Mmm,” Stevie groaned, burying her face back into her pillow. She’d been a tummy sleeper her entire childhood and the habit had yet to change. She was also pretty easy to wake up, unfortunately. “Who’s there?”

“It’s- uh, it’s me,” Eddie responded, voice sounding faraway. By the door then. The door? Oh right, they were in the dorm room. Their dorm room. Eddie. Stevie stretched out, arms reaching above her and nearly knocking into the headboard. “You….you should probably wake up, um- if you’re- if you need to get ready. We’ve got about thirty.”

Ugh.

Stevie rolled over then, unaware of her state of dress still.

Eddie was barely in the room, stood by the door like a dear in headlights. Mouth open, staring.

Stevie wondered if she had lines on her face from her pillow.

“What? Did I drool?” Stevie asked with a frown. Much poutier than she’d normally allow herself to be. She probably looked awful.

“Let’s not say that- nope, no you did not,” Eddie said decidedly, looking frazzled. Stevie was confused. The lack of sleep wasn’t helping. “Though you might want to brush the birds nest on your head.”

Stevie gasped, hand reaching back to find a tough tangle.

“Ew,” She moaned, pushing herself into a sitting position. It was then that she realized. The nightie. The lack of a bra. Her breasts were far too big to just- oh god. Stevie let out a strained noise and covered them with one arm, her cheeks flaming red. But Eddie was looking up, lips tucked in as she hummed to herself and examined the ceiling. “I’m so sorry.”

Stevie never let anyone see her like this. Nothing last a few dressing room mishaps during her pageant days. And those were usually met with ridicule and bullying, so. She liked to keep things to herself. Thank you you very much.

“No,” Eddie said with an air of mock casualty. Staring at the ceiling still. “No, don’t be. Totally normal. Nothing to see here. I didn’t see a thing.”

Stevie kind of hated her.

But not really.

“Shut up,” Stevie said, helpless to laugh as she pulled her blanket up over her chest. Eddie only grinned, turning away from her politely.

“Sorry, I can act like a gentleman,” Eddie joked, not realizing how stumped Stevie was. She’d never heard a girl say something like that before, not about her. For the first time, Stevie wondered if maybe Eddie-

No. She doubted it.

That was- that thought was stupid, actually. Stevie was being a stupid straight girl again.

“I’m gonna wear sweatpants, is that okay?” Stevie asked as she stood, nightie falling down to the top of her thighs. She was so glad Eddie wasn’t looking now. Which was odd for Stevie, she’d never felt so shy before.

“Do you need me to tell you it’s okay?” Eddie asked, sounding bemused and amused at the same time. Stevie flushed as she pulled her nightie over her head, her nipples pebbling immediately now that the room was cooler. She turned to her dresser, too aware that she was just standing in a room with Eddie. Naked. Like girls do. Like she’d done in the past before. Sort of.

“Yes, please,” Stevie joked, stepping into a pair of boy shorts followed by light blue sweats. “I need to be told what to do all the time. Helps me not think.”

Her bra and shirt came next, hastily chosen and thrown on. They were tighter, sure. Laundry week. But she’d be okay for a few hours. It’d be dark, Stevie wouldn’t have to feel too self conscious about her clothing choices. Maybe.

Eddie was silent for a little too long.

“I’m joking!” Stevie said reflexively, only cringing a little at her dumb joke. Now she sounded like a fucking child. Wow. “I’m not incompetent. I can- you know?”

No.

“I do know,” Eddie said with a click of her tongue. “You got a shirt on?”

It was nice of her to ask.

And Stevie did.

Eddie turned back around once Stevie gave the affirmative, her smile much softer now. Her hair was sort of messy, probably thrown about by the wind. But also…she kind of…

There was something sleepy in her gaze.

And then Stevie saw the mark on her neck, near her neckline. A purple and pink bruise that was unmissable, even if Stevie hadn’t had many in her life.

Stevie looked away quickly.

Okay.

“So, are we going to the beanbag room?”

Eddie laughed loudly, “I love that you call it that.”

—

Stevie was nervous.

She wanted to kind of loudly scream that she was an ally and not just some straight girl entering their midst and being weird.

But the movie night seemed fairly casual. No one asked Stevie any deeply personal questions and all she had to do was nod and say hello to a few new people. That was all. Everyone seemed nice and stylish and unique. She felt sort of dull in comparison.

But Eddie didn’t leave her side the entire time, so that was nice.

And by the time everyone started seating themselves, it occurred to Stevie that there wasn’t many spaces. She looked around the room of students, almost every spot full. The anxiety of choosing a spot wasn’t lost on her. It was the exact same way she felt every time she entered the lunch room.

She’d just sit on the floor-

Eddie’s hand wrapped around her wrist and pulled her toward a beanbag. It was big enough but not exactly as big as the others. So. That was-

It was fine.

“I can sit on the floor-“ She tried to whisper to Eddie as the lights dimmed.

“Don’t be silly,” Eddie laughed, falling down onto the beanbag and unceremoniously pulling Stevie with her. The fall was short and soft but- but then Stevie landed half on top of Eddie, nearly elbowing her in the stomach. She very quickly rolled to the side, trying her best to sit up a bit as Eddie politely tried to stifle her laughter. “Relax, I don’t bite.”

That wasn’t the issue.

Stevie wasn’t used to being close to other people. All of her grade school friends had grown out of cuddling and Stevie had felt the rejection like-

It wasn’t important. She just didn’t grow up with much physical contact, that was all.

But now Eddie was raising her arm and sort of wrapping it around Steve’s shoulder blades, sliding right behind her neck and-

Stevie allowed herself to sink back into it, deeply aware of every part of her body.

She didn’t even know what movie they were watching. All she could focus on was how Eddie smelled, the warmth of her next to Stevie.

It was nice. Being close to someone else was nice.

The movie itself was strange, Stevie realized. Not in a bad way, just…it was satirical in an odd way. About a girl who was a cheerleader, sent away to a gross camp so that she might correct her ways.

Stevie was engrossed enough in the beginning of the movie that she didn’t notice herself cuddling toward Eddie, resting her head against one skinny shoulder. Eddie didn’t say anything, nothing at all. She just let it happen.

The girl with the short hair was….kind of cute? Stevie wasn’t sure that was the right way to put it. It was the way she talked, the way she held herself. Stevie was straight but she could definitely see the appeal. Not that she’d tell anyone that.

“You fallin’ asleep?” Eddie whispered, mouth close to Stevie’s ear. Stevie nearly jumped in place, spooked by the sudden noise. Eddie’s hand squeezed against her upper arm and held her there, laughing quietly against Stevie’s ear. “Okay, I was wrong. Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay,” Stevie mumbled back, face flaming at her embarrassing fumble. Why did Eddie make her so nervous? She wasn’t even doing anything bad. Just cuddling. Like friends do. “You’re warm.”

Another squeeze to Stevie’s arm.

“Is that okay?” Eddie asked. Stevie has never had someone whisper in her ear before. It kept sending shivers down her neck and spine.

“Mhm,” Stevie hummed, lips sealed together with some sort of strange anxiety. Okay, maybe not anxiety. She just couldn’t pinpoint the feeling exactly. “It’s all good.”

It was then that the door to their movie room opened and light from the hallway poured in. Two people came inside, apologizing quietly as they-

Pink hair girl.

Samantha.

Stevie clenched her jaw and stared straight ahead, resolutely deciding to just ignore her as best as possible.

Which was sort of hard when her and her friend were making their way over, deciding that the only possible place to sit would be the floor in front of them. Great, fantastic, wonderful.

And Samantha chose to sit in front of Eddie, leaning playfully back against her legs like they knew each other.

Wait.

Did they already know each other?

“Hey Sam,” Eddie whispered, smiling as the girl in question leaned forward to look back at them. And then her gaze slipped to Stevie, her smile only falling a little. But Stevie saw it happen. “I thought you weren’t gonna make it after- uh, after class.”

There was something weird about the way Eddie said it. A fumble of some sort.

“Guess I managed,” Samantha said, raising a brow at Eddie. It looked like a warning of some sort. “I didn’t know you invited someone new to the club.”

How many meetings had they even had? It wasn’t like they’d been in school very long. Stevie resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

“I’m an ally,” Stevie blurted out quietly, immediately regretting it once both girls turned to stare at her like she’d grown a second head. Fine. It wasn’t like she was even being that weird.

“Oh, we always need more of those,” Samantha said, her grin resurfacing and turning petty. Stevie wasn’t sure how but it was definitely annoyingly petty. “I’m sure you’ll fit right in.”

She turned back around before she could see Eddie’s frown. It sort of- Stevie wasn’t sure why but it made her kind of proud? Was that the right word? It was something vindictive. Because obviously Eddie could tell how fucking unnecessarily rude this Sam girl was.

Stevie curled closer to Eddie, emboldened to prove that Eddie was her friend. Not that- Eddie clearly had a lot of friends. But Stevie was growing closer to her now and she wanted to keep it that way.

So Samantha could fuck right off.

Stevie even dared to lay her head on Eddie’s shoulder, discreetly inhaling whatever she’d sprayed on herself earlier in the evening. There was something underneath, the scent of men’s deodorant that Stevie could recognize from high school. It smelled better on Eddie than any of the stupid teenage boys she’d ever met though.

Maybe it had something to do with her being a girl.

Probably not.

“How do you like it?”

Like what? The deodorant smell? No, that wasn’t- Eddie couldn’t read minds.

Her sudden question still surprised Stevie.

She jumped again, slightly less violently than the first time. Eddie kept ahold of her but one of Stevie’s hands shot down and rested against the top of Eddie’s thigh anyway.

Just. Palm to thigh beneath her cargo pants.

Stevie stared at her hand, mortified that she’d touched Eddie but not sure how to retract her hand now.

“Sorry, what?” Stevie asked, seemingly lost. Samantha and her friend had already interrupted the movie for her. She’d have to find it and rewatch it later.

“The movie? Do you like it?” Eddie kept her voice as quiet as possible. The effect left goosebumps on Stevie’s neck.

“Yeah, I…I like uh…her name’s Graham? I like her character,” Stevie said, trying hard not to clear her throat or squeeze her hand against Eddie’s thigh or-

Was she sweating? Why was she always so sweaty?

“Huh,” Eddie said, squeezing Stevie by the arm again. Her palms were warm and dry, fingers long and rings cold. Stevie could focus on them to try and calm herself down a little. Not that she- she was fine. Great, actually. “Interesting.”

“Is it?” Stevie asked quietly, not sure what they were talking about anymore. Samantha angled her head back into Eddie’s legs, giggling at something in the movie and rubbing her stupid pink hair back and forth.

What?

Her hair wasn’t stupid, that was a silly thought to have. It was just hair. And if anything, Stevie would have loved to dye her hair something crazy too but-

Even in the dark, Stevie could see it.

The curl of Samantha’s hand around Eddie’s calf, the dark splotch on nearly the back of Samantha’s neck.

Stevie swallowed hard and looked between the two, trying her very best to be subtle about it. Why was she so fucking itchy all of a sudden? Why did she want to get up and leave?

Surely Eddie and Samantha weren’t….

Stevie cuddled closer to Eddie, deciding that it was much too cold in this room. She wasn’t sweaty at all, actually. She was freezing and only Eddie had the body warmth to help her out.

She lay her head on Eddie’s shoulder, her nose brushing against the bare skin of her neck. Lips just a breadth away from touching-

“What are you doing?” Eddie whispered, not sounding upset but- but sounding odd. Stevie couldn’t help it. Maybe she was jealous that one of her only friends at college was- maybe Stevie just didn’t like sharing her friends. It wasn’t new, after all. She’d always been this way, right?

“Sorry,” Stevie said meekly, leaning into the wounded puppy act as she went to sit up, pulling away from Eddie. “I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable.”

She was lying, Jesus Christ. Why was she doing this? It didn’t even matter if Samantha wanted to lay all over Eddie like a fucking soul sucking octopus. Stevie didn’t care, she really didn’t. So why was she lying right to Eddie’s face, as if she hadn’t intentionally splayed herself across her in an attempt to-

“No, no,” Eddie said, right on cue, pulling Stevie back with the arm around her shoulders. Stevie fell closer this time, nearly draped onto her side. One arm squeezed between them and the other draped over Eddie’s lap. Cuddling. Fully, honest to God cuddling. Stevie even hiked one leg up, just to be more comfortable. “I don’t mind. You can stay.”

Stevie bit back a pleased smile, trying to ignore the strange feeling growing in her chest. A satisfaction she’d never felt before as Eddie had to lay further back and move her legs away from Samantha.

Good.

Stevie pushed the feeling down, told herself to ignore it.

“Thank you,” Stevie said, body pressing closer. For warmth. It really was chilly. Eddie rested her chin on the top of Stevie’s head. Just like that. She’d never felt this close to another person, not in years really. “I like the movie.”

“You said that,” Eddie whispered back jokingly. Joking. Stevie was joking with someone other than Robin. “You’re hardly watching it.”

That wasn’t true.

Stevie’s throat felt dry. Her eyes weren’t even focused on the screen. She was sleepy, that was all.

Really.

“I can watch it later,” Stevie said, eyes drifting shut. With her ear pressed to Eddie, she could nearly hear her heartbeat. Close close close. She never got to do this. Not with other girls.

She could get used to it.

—

Stevie awoke to the sound of people moving.

Someone was shaking her shoulder, just a little.

“Stevie, babe,” A voice muttered, familiar and calming. Stevie smiled and rubbed her face back and forth against the soft material beneath her, squeezing her free arm around something solid. “Uhh….hey, Stevie?”

Her eyes cracked open slowly, aware of the sudden light.

Stevie felt bleary and fuzzy, lifting her head and realizing very quickly that she’d been-

“I’m so sorry,” Stevie apologized immediately, shifting off of Eddie like she had a bad rash or something. “Fuck, I am so sorry.”

Because she’d very obviously been rubbing her face against Eddie’s chest.

And she was- she just-

There was a little wet patch, right there. In the middle of- oh god, in the middle of Eddie’s breasts.

Stevie felt her face streak scarlet, eyes going painfully wide as she focused intently on the two hard peaks beneath Eddie’s loose shirt.

“Oh, don’t be,” Eddie smiled widely, already picking herself up from the beanbag. Like she didn’t even care that her nipples were hard and Stevie had just- “Not the first time I’ve been drooled on.”

Stevie was absolutely mortified.

Why did her drooling keep coming up?

The feeling was only replaced by confusion as she gazed around the room.

The movie was off, the room was empty.

“Where’d everyone go?”

Eddie offered Stevie her hand and snorted out a sarcastic little laugh.

“Yeah, you passed the fuck out through the last half of the movie,” Eddie confessed as Stevie allowed herself to be pulled up. Her hand was just as warm as before. The contact was brief. “We’re about to hit curfew but I didn’t wanna wake you up just yet.”

Stevie brushed imaginary crumbs off her clothes. Anything to avoid looking Eddie in the eye after having drooled all over her shirt, my god.

“Thank you,” Stevie said, clearing her throat and looking around awkwardly. “Uh…are you coming back to the room?”

She sounded needy.

She hated sounding needy.

She wanted to ask Eddie about Samantha but she knew damn well she’d be over stepping their brand new friendship.

“Of course I am,” Eddie grinned, already holding the door to the entertainment room open for Stevie. “Can’t be out after curfew.”

Relief flooded Stevie’s entire being in the most confusing of ways.

Eddie winked at Stevie. Like friends do.

Maybe Stevie would be fine in college. If only Eddie and Robin liked her, maybe she’d be fine.

Chapter Text

“You just carry this one and-“ Robin was trying her best to help Stevie with an equation, bless her heart. “And then it’s not so hard, right? Stevie?”

She wasn’t nodding off again. Really, she wasn’t. She only looked like she was nodding off. Slowly, slowly closing her eyes as her face sagged against the palm of her hand.

“Hey,” Robin said, snapping fingers in front of Stevie’s face in the rudest manner. “Wake up. You don’t pay me the big bucks just so you can sleep during a lesson.”

Stevie wrinkled her nose and straightened up as much as possible. It wasn’t much, as they sat in the nearly empty library on a Friday night. Pouring over homework that she didn’t understand well enough and likely never would. But she was trying.

“I don’t pay you the big bucks at all,” Stevie said sleepily, yawning far too widely. She did kind of love to annoy Robin. She’d never had a friendship like theirs before. “Actually, we can talk about that. I’d like to compensate-“

“Nope,” Robin said, shutting her book fast and raising an eyebrow at Stevie. “That’s super weird. Don’t be weird.”

How was it weird?

“Why? Because you’re wasting your time trying to tutor the dumbest girl on campus? Why shouldn’t you get financial compensation for that?”

Robin gave her a very clear go to hell look.

“First of all,” She responded with heavy intention. Stevie would have straightened up more but she was just a little too tired. “Please, never say that again. You sound like a fucking lawyer or something. And you’re not dumb, dude. Not at all. You just lack focus.”

Ugh.

“I know,” Stevie sighed, burying her face into her hands. She was glad it was a no makeup day, nothing to smudge around. “I’ve been so distracted, think I’m going a little crazy to be honest.”

Robin didn’t respond right away, so Stevie sneaked a peak at her.

“Everything okay?” Robin asked, looking more concerned than Stevie ever expected her to look. Oh. Okay. Well, that was new. “I know I haven’t been around much lately and-“

Oh god, no.

“Don’t apologize,” Stevie rushed to say, feeling much more awake with the imminent threat of an uncomfortable apology on the horizon. “It’s fine. Really, it is. Besides it’s- it’s not that. It’s my roommate.”

Robin frowned at her, setting aside the pencil in her hand with grave importance.

“Eddie? Is she still being a frigid little-“

“No!” Stevie said a little too loudly, panicking to get the word out. Robin reeled back, eyebrows shooting up. A nearby shush had Stevie blushing, sounding much more like a hiss. “No, we’re getting along fine. Just. I’m not sure how to take the next step.”

Robin stared at Stevie for too long, mouth opening and closing like a fish.

“Sorry,” Robin squinted in confusion, looking far away for a moment. “What do you mean by ‘next step’?”

Stevie felt oddly frustrated but in all fairness, she hadn’t explained any of the last week to Robin. Mostly because their schedules kept missing each others. And Stevie was notorious for never telling anyone ever about her suffering.

“Next step as in, like- like I want to be her friend and we kind of are but-“ How was she supposed to word this? “I don’t know. She gets along with other girls better, I guess-“

“I bet she does,” Robin whispered under her breath pointedly. It was Stevie’s turn to frown at her, unsure what exactly that meant. “I just mean that she….well, she’s popular in the queer alliance, that’s all.”

That’s all?

“What does that mean?” Stevie asked, stomach turning oddly. There it was again, that weird feeling she got upon finding out that Eddie had other friends. Stevie didn’t even have a claim over her friendship, it was ridiculous.

“She’s….” Robin looked like she was trying to be as kind as possible. “I think she might be a bit of a player. A fuck boy, if you will.”

Huh?

Stevie felt floored.

“But she’s a girl.”

Robin gave Stevie the most deadpan look imaginable. Really dry, eyes half closed and everything.

“Yeah,” Robin agreed, nodding sarcastically. “She can still be a fuck boy, babe. She’s just….it’s different but it’s a thing, trust me.”

Well- that wasn’t- sure, Stevie sort of knew about Samantha. But she’d been pushing the thought away because it was none of her business and she didn’t need to know what Eddie got up to in her spare time. Except now she kind of only wanted to know what Eddie got up to in her spare time.

More like whom.

Stevie swallowed the gross thought and pushed it away as fast as possible. Not nice. No need to be a mean girl, not now.

“That’s okay,” Stevie said without realizing her mouth was moving. “I mean, of course it is. It’s none of my business, right? We’re roommates, so. It’s not a big deal.”

It really wasn’t.

Robin was still staring straight at Stevie, looking a lot like she was considering saying something. It filled Stevie with a strange sense of foreboding.

“You should probably…” She trailed off and cleared her throat. “Figure that out.”

Figure what out?

“Just- just if you don’t wanna walk in on anything in the dorm,” Robin clarified. Stevie was just glad she didn’t have to ask what she meant. “Create a system or something. Like maybe you could leave something on the doorknob.”

Yeah. Already had that awkward conversation.

“Not like I’ll need it,” Stevie mumbled, grimacing down at her notebooks. “I guess that makes sense. We kind of discussed it like, a week ago. Though I guess I forgot. Haven’t really considered Eddie bringing anyone back to the dorm because it hasn’t happened yet.”

Her words came out like gravel, tiny bits and pieces that felt hard to push out.

Jesus. Why was she acting like this? Eddie was her roommate and maybe her friend. The friend part was still tentative. But they cuddled, didn’t they? Friends cuddle.

Stevie was having so many spiraling thoughts lately, it was becoming hard to keep up. And this was just another one to add to the pile. If the cuddled, did that mean they were closer now? Close enough to touch? Stevie hadn’t had that in her youth, not after a certain age. She wasn’t sure.

“Would you cuddle with me?” Stevie asked suddenly, pushing the topic along at random. Robin looked surprised at the switch up but she had a bit more tact than Stevie. Obviously. “Like. If we were to hang out, would you feel comfortable cuddling with me?”

Robin gave her a curious and considering look.

“Sure,” She shrugged easily. “I’m not the cuddliest person on the planet but I don’t think you’re the type of girl to scream that I’m harassing you or anything. So, yeah.”

Oh.

“People do that?” Stevie asked, a pit forming in her stomach. She couldn’t identify it or put a name to it but- but the casual look on Robin’s face made her uneasy. “Girls do that? To you?”

Another shrug as Robin opened her book to a different page.

“It’s been known to happen,” She said, not looking nearly as uncomfortable as Stevie. “Sometimes presumed straight girls are….not fond of getting attention from the town dyke.

Stevie felt a little short of breath, her heart beating too hard.

“I’m sorry,” Stevie said, not sure why exactly she was apologizing. She’d cuddled a lot of other girls before puberty, obviously. But then she’d kept growing past the rest of them and it’d gotten weird and the other girls said mean things about her body and- it wasn’t the same, she knew that. But she could relate. She just didn’t know how to tell Robin that. She wasn’t even sure if Robin would want to hear it from a straight girl like her. “That’s really- that’s gross and pathetic. I’d cuddle you.”

Robin snorted a laugh and grinned brightly at Stevie.

“I know you would,” She knocked her elbow into Stevie’s arm. “Any reason you’re asking?”

She could have just told Robin. She could have just let it out. Eddie liked to cuddle, didn’t she? And she had no issue getting close to Stevie, so maybe Stevie really was trustworthy.

Oddly enough, Stevie wanted to keep that part to herself.

She shrugged and played it off.

“No reason. I was just curious.”

—

Tennis wasn’t a complicated sport.

Stevie was good at it.

So good at it that she was starting to piss Alicia off. It was kind of funny, actually. Stevie would never admit it out loud because she was a good sport but…

Yeah, it was funny watching short little Alicia pant up a storm trying to keep up with Stevie. She just wasn’t very good at it, that was the thing. She was objectively okay, sure. But she wasn’t as fast as Stevie.

And Heather had noticed.

“So like,” Heather ran up to Stevie after their short practice, breathing heavy after their one on one. Alicia glared from a distance and Stevie tried to remain modest. She wanted to gloat, she really did. “Is your goal to turn Alicia into your enemy?”

Stevie blanched at that, face coloring beyond her usual post exercise glow.

“I didn’t mean to-“

“I’m just messing with you,” Heather laughed, reaching out to pat Stevie on the arm. “She’ll be okay. She’s just sore that you’re the best out here now, that’s all.”

Stevie hadn’t even realized Alicia wasn’t a freshmen. She certainly wasn’t about to ask.

“I doubt I’m the best,” Stevie said. She wasn’t just being modest. There was no way she was that good, really. The campus was large, after all. “I just like tennis.”

She sounded stupid and she knew it. Why was it that she could be in pageants for years and yet she couldn’t manage to have a one on one conversation without simplistic phrasing and pauses?

Heather seemed completely unbothered.

“You should join our next meet,” She said decidedly, nodding to herself. “I know it’s just a hobby for you but I think you’d have fun.”

Sure.

Stevie shrugged noncommittally, despite how excited she was to actually be part of something. The practices were fun and all. But an actual game? She couldn’t wait.

“And just ignore Alicia,” Heather winked at her. Huh. “She’ll come around.”

Stevie highly doubted it.

—

She didn’t get back to the dorms until after dinner, feeling a lot happier than she usually felt after a day of classes. Maybe it was being active again, maybe it helped Stevie deal with all the residual stress.

Or maybe she was happy that Heather seemed to like her too. Another person for Stevie to potentially grow closer to. She wasn’t even sure why she felt the need for so many friendships. Maybe it came from being an only child.

Stevie just wanted to have people she could talk to. Something she’d never had much of in her life. Not in a trustworthy way, at least.

And she was more than excited to greet Eddie in their dorm.

Only to find the girl already up. She wasn’t in her usual spot when Stevie opened the door. Instead, she was stood in front of her dresser. Sliding rings onto her fingers. Hair down and messy, jeans on. A different silken shirt this time around, unbuttoned further than Stevie would ever dare.

“Oh,” Stevie said softly upon opening the door. She was quick to shut it after, aware of her sweaty workout clothing and general appearance. “Are you going somewhere?”

Eddie only startled a little, hand to her chest as she regarded Stevie.

“I didn’t even hear you come in,” Eddie grinned in response. “Yeah, I’m just…going out for a bit.”

Again. Oh.

Stevie, reign it in.

“Where- uh, where are you going?” Well, now she really sounded pathetic. She was being both nosy and annoying. She didn’t want to invite herself along or anything, she was just curious.

Stevie set about putting her things away as a means of distraction.

“I’m…going out with a girl,” Eddie said hesitantly. Stevie didn’t freeze as she sat her bag down, rifling through it to pull her laptop out. It was fine, she had homework she desperately needed to do. “Just for a few drinks.”

Stevie wondered if Eddie had a fake ID. It was really none of her business, was it?

“Oh?” Stevie asked, trying to sound as disinterested as possible. And she was. Eddie could do whatever- “Do I know her?”

Stevie turned back to Eddie with a plasticine smile on her lips, aware that she probably looked crazy. She was still too hot from practice. She wasn’t thinking clearly.

Eddie hesitated.

She very much hesitated.

Stevie was beginning to notice that Eddie was bad at lying.

“No one you know,” Eddie offered, returning Stevie’s strange smile. “And we’re just-“

“Is it a date?” Stevie interjected, feeling very embarrassed as soon as she asked. What kind of question was that? Eddie liked girls. It was probably a date.

“Uh…” Eddie almost cringed. She hid it well enough, her fingers twisting at her various rings. “Not- not exactly. I wouldn’t call it a date.”

Oh.

So everyone else really was getting laid.

Stevie kind of wanted to go sit on the shower floor. Just a little bit.

“Oh that’s, I mean- that’s perfect actually,” Stevie said, realizing her mistake once Eddie’s brows shot up. What the fuck? Perfect? No, it really wasn’t- well, it was fine but- but she shouldn’t have said- “I just meant that we should probably talk about boundaries. Um, or as a reminder. I could just- we should do the sock thing, yeah? Like we talked about before. I just wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable or-“

“Are you bringing someone back here?” Eddie asked, not much of an expression on her face. “Because that’s fine. You can just let me know in advance or-“

“Use the sock, yeah.”

Stevie felt a lot like dying.

Her face was hot all over, her eyes wide.

When had she become such a prude?

“I’m not bringing anyone here,” Stevie said with a sigh, almost forgetting to clarify. “I’m woefully single, so. No worries there.”

Eddie didn’t laugh at her joke.

“I’ll be back by curfew,” Eddie replied, biting her lip like she wanted to say more. Stevie didn’t want her to, so she turned back to her bag and started pulling more notebooks out.

The conversation was effectively over.

—

Stevie didn’t want to think about it. In fact, she most certainly wasn’t thinking about it at all. Not even a little bit. She hadn’t even thought about it since last night, when Eddie got in a little after curfew. Stevie wondered if she’d gotten into trouble or if she’d somehow managed to bribe one of the girls at the desk to let her in.

Stevie didn’t care.

She hoped Eddie had a good time.

And that whatever girl she went on a not-date with had a good time too. Eddie was gone by morning, so Stevie never found out if she had any hickies this time around. Not that she would look. She wouldn’t, it was none of her business.

Maybe Stevie really did need to get laid.

No one had said so. No one had even hinted that maybe she was so high strung because she was horny all the time. Because she wasn’t horny all the time, thank you very much. She could take care of herself. She just didn’t do it that often because she didn’t want to. She had other things to worry about. It had nothing to do with the fact that all her mental fantasies were never good enough. Nothing to do with the fact that her mind always wandered too much and her hand got too tired and it never felt exciting.

Stevie needed to get laid. Right? Just….rip the bandaid off. Let it happen, get it over with. Or something.

But how was she supposed to do something like that? She’d have to go out and actually meet people.

“Do you know any good parties to go to?” Stevie asked, cringing immediately as Robin turned to her with widened eyes and a slack jaw.

“Me?” Robin asked in confusion. She might as well have pointed at herself. “Do I seem like I party?”

Stevie didn’t know. She didn’t know much.

“I dunno,” She said, rubbing at her temples as she resisted the urge to lay her head on the almost comfortable looking library desk in front of her. Stevie wasn’t even working on anything. Robin just seemed to live in the library. They definitely spent too much fucking time here. “I just- I wanna meet people and I’m not sure how to go about it. I think I- maybe I want to meet some guys, I guess.”

Robin hummed at her but it didn’t seem judgmental. Stevie was pretty sure it wasn’t.

“I’m just-“ She really needed to stop over explaining herself. “I didn’t date much in high school, you know. I kind of did but I also- my mom ran things, so. Not a lot of alone time with boys. I’m getting older-“ Robin snorted at that. “And I kind of just want to….what’s it called? Sow my wild granola?”

Robin broke out into a laugh, clapping a hand over her mouth immediately.

“It’s oats,” She said through laughter. Stevie wasn’t offended, not when Robin never outright made fun of her for being a little ditzy. “And I know what you mean. Right there with you. Maybe we can find something for you and find something for me. Shouldn’t be impossible on such a big campus, right?”

Right. You would assume.

Stevie felt kind of hopeless though.

“Sure,” Stevie agreed absentmindedly. It was easy for Eddie, wasn’t it? She always seemed to be near a girl. Now, Stevie wasn’t quite sure what those relationships looked like. She didn’t want to know what they- no, that sounded bad. That sounded really bad. She pushed the thought right from her mind, focusing on Robin again. “Maybe we can go a party, see what’s up. Something you’d be comfortable going to.”

Robin didn’t seem like she’d vibe at a frat party.

To be fair, Stevie probably wouldn’t either.

“I’ll look into it,” Robin replied, looking just as sure as she did when she found a book she was looking for. “We’ll find something.”

Stevie wasn’t so sure.

—

Stevie’s day was going badly. But what was new about that?

She’d woken up to Eddie tearing out of the room with her guitar case, apologizing profusely when she knocked it into the wall next to their door. It was fine, Stevie wasn’t mad or anything. But then she couldn’t get back to sleep.

So she decided to start her day early. It always worked in her favor when she could actually manage it. Get up, take a nice hot shower, prepare herself for the day.

Only, her shower was cold for some reason. She didn’t want to report it to the front desk or an RA but she knew she’d probably have to. The thought of such an awkward confrontation made her itchy.

And then. Breakfast wasn’t good. Of course it wasn’t. The yogurt they gave her in the cafeteria was expired. Horrendously so. She didn’t even try to get a new one, instead deciding that maybe she just had no good luck today.

On top of all of that, one of her favorite shirts ripped. She wasn’t even sure how it happened, just that she’d been walking to her psych class. Trying to romanticize the pretty sidewalk and the trees around her. Until a particularly pointing limb caught on the front of her shirt and ripped over the left shoulder. She didn’t even know tree limbs could get that sharp.

The universe was laughing at her, it really was.

And Samantha was just the cherry on top.

She was so rude. For no reason. Stevie couldn’t even understand why the girl hated her so much. It only seemed to be tenfold after the movie night.

She spoke to Stevie condescendingly about their project, slow and loud like she thought Stevie couldn’t understand her.

She wanted to do the project on-

“Social contagion in young girls,” Samantha said, lifting a brow as if to challenge Stevie. “Particularly where eating disorders are concerned. I thought it would be an interesting topic to delve into.”

She gave Stevie a once over that felt pointed.

Stevie brushed it aside, despite the annoyance and anger beginning to boil up. What the fuck did that even mean? Was she making fun of Stevie? Was she just assuming things about her? Which was it?

All they had do to was research a topic and present it for the class. Samantha had already shoehorned herself into doing the speech, whereas Stevie was stuck doing the visual presentation. She didn’t even know how to a slideshow.

Google had to have all her answers, right?

“Just make sure you’re not plagiarizing anything,” Samantha said haughtily, turning her nose up as Stevie brought out her laptop. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes for the umpteenth time. “I know that may have flown in high school but this is college.”

Oh my god.

“Yeah, I know that,” Stevie snapped, finally at the end of her patience. “I’m not five, you know. I do actually pay to go here-“

“Or do you mean your parents pay for you to go here?” Samantha asked, looking almost gleeful that Stevie had given in and gotten mad.

“You got me,” Stevie said sarcastically, for once dropping her nice act. She couldn’t do it, not today. “I’m a spoiled little rich girl and my mommy and daddy pay for whatever I want. Is that what you wanted to hear? Can we move on now and actually do our assignment or would you like to criticize my obvious highlights? Sorry they’re not pink.”

Samantha looked vaguely shocked but she covered it quickly.

“I’ll just ask for a new partner,” She snapped back, looking particularly ugly for a pretty girl. Maybe it was her personality doing all the work.

“Fine,” Stevie gestured widely and caught the attention of a few other students. “Do that. I really don’t care.”

Samantha really was such a bitch.

—

Stevie had an even worse time after her psych class. It wasn’t that big of a deal, she was sure. But she’d gone to the library to study and had managed to pass out for a good hour on one of the many stiff couches. It was an accident.

But she hadn’t made it to her next class, so. That part wasn’t good.

The whole day sucked.

And all she wanted to do was go back to her dorm and shower and sleep and-

Only, Stevie wasn’t paying attention when she walked into her room. She wasn’t paying attention at all. If she was, she would have noticed the fallen sock in front of the dorm room door, the way it most certainly hadn’t been there when she’d left that morning.

Almost as if-

The sight that greeted Stevie when she unlocked her door was burnt into the back of her eyelids.

Eddie. Eddie and Samantha.

They were-

“Oh my god,” Stevie blurted out, eyes almost bugging out of her head. They were half naked, oh my god. Or- okay, they weren’t. Eddie was in a sports bra and still had her pants on but- but Samantha was splayed out across her pillows, legs spread beneath her skirt. Eddie’s hand disappearing beneath. Stevie couldn’t see Samantha’s face but she could definitely see Eddie’s. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t see-“

“I put a sock on the door,” Eddie said fast, almost defensively. They’d talked about this. Samantha whipped her head around, a sneer already in place. That made it worse. Of course it had to be her. “We talked about-“

“Yep,” Stevie squeaked out just as Samantha opened her mouth to say god knows what. Stevie felt like she might actually die. She was too hot and too cold and vaguely sick to her stomach. “I’m- I gotta go- library. I’ve gotta- bye.”

Stevie stepped back out and slammed the door behind her, feet moving as quickly as possible as she made her way down the hall and toward the staircase. She had to get out, she had to get away.

Samantha? Seriously?

Stevie had figured there was something going on but-

Jesus, did Eddie not notice the weird tension between Stevie and Samantha? Was she not picking up on how much the other girl obviously hated Stevie? Why would she even want to sleep with someone so fucking mean?

How could she?

The phrase was on repeat in her head. Stevie knew it was cruel and mean but she couldn’t stop it. Again and again. How could she?

Stevie felt out of breath, already making her way clumsily out of the dorm. She probably looked like an absolute freak, mildly panicking as it set in that she’d just seen her roommate fingering a girl. That was what they’d been doing, right? That- that had to be it.

And Eddie had looked-

Her lips were red, like they’d been kissing for a long time. Her hair was an absolute mess. She looked shocked, surprised to see Stevie standing there. And why wouldn’t she be? Stevie had been the one to bring up ‘boundaries’ and she’d just overstepped a major one. But where had the sock been? Why were they even fooling around this early in the day? Wasn’t there, like….a rule about that? An unspoken rule about how you’re supposed to have hookups at night? Because it’s easier to hide and-

That was stupid. That wasn’t even- Stevie wasn’t that innocent, to think people didn’t- Jesus, what was wrong with her? No wonder she couldn’t get laid, no wonder no one was interested in her.

Stevie decided to hole herself up in the library, ignoring the various pings of text messages on her phone. They’d just exchanged numbers not long ago and Stevie really didn’t want to see what Eddie had to say. God forbid the other girl be mad at Stevie for barging in like a fucking idiot.

It probably wasn’t even her.

Stevie resisted the insane urge to call Robin. Or hell, maybe even Heather. Just to complain to her about the hopeless state or her sex life and the awkward situations she always managed to get herself into and the gnawing feeling in the bottom of her stomach and-

The couches in the library weren’t very comfortable. She knew she’d have to leave in an hour or two. They would close and she’d need to find somewhere else to sleep. She was far too stubborn to ask Robin for a place to stay. Maybe she would just rent a hotel room or stay in her car or-

“There you are,” Someone said, vastly out of breath as Stevie jumped in place. She sat cross legged on one of the couches, her shoes off and placed on the floor. She’d been scrolling through her phone, looking for a place nearby. Misty staring at webpages as her mind went blank in an effort of self preservation. But that didn’t matter because there Eddie stood, panting like she’d run all the way to the library. “I thought you said library but I wasn’t sure.”

Stevie was stunned.

She gaped at Eddie for far too long.

She looked normal now. Closer to normal, despite her still messy hair and red mouth. It’d been a bit, Stevie wondered if-

“Did the two of you get to finish?”

Stevie regretted it as soon as she said it.

She sounded so- Stevie wasn’t an angry person. She definitely wasn’t mean, not really. She could be bratty, sure. But she tried to hide it.

“Are you mad at me?” Eddie asked, somehow sounding mystified by the prospect. Someone shushed them from nearby and Eddie glared at them, shuffling awkwardly over in the next second to sit next to Stevie. Well, that was a stretch. She sat as far from Stevie as possible. “You said I should put a sock on the door and I did. And I knew you’d be in class, so I didn’t think it’d be a big deal. I’m sorry you had to see that but-“

Stevie rubbed a weary hand over her face, already vaguely uncomfortable with this conversation. Why couldn’t Eddie just let her sulk in the library? Why’d she have to come running in here like-

It didn’t matter.

“I didn’t know- there wasn’t a sock, it must have fell,” Stevie said, staring down at the floor so she wouldn’t have to look Eddie in the eye. “And I’m not mad. Why would I be mad at you?”

Even as she said it, her words somehow sounded like a challenge. Like she was goading Eddie.

Eddie seemed just as confused by Stevie’s attitude.

“Because you’re acting like you’re mad at me?” She sounded like she was trying not to be mean to Stevie. Which….fine. She could snap on Stevie if she wanted to, wouldn’t be the first time. “Did I do something wrong? Do you not-“

Oh fuck it.

“It’s her,” Stevie hissed, fists squeezing together as she tried to contain the anger she felt before. It was coming back now and she didn’t like it. Feeling like this was….tumultuous. Disgusting. “She’s the girl in my psych class. Samantha. She’s my project partner and she spent all of todays class making me feel like a complete fucking idiot, so. Yeah, I kind of didn’t love seeing her in our dorm.”

Stevie peaked a glance at Eddie.

She didn’t look pissed off. Stevie had expected her to be, it was only natural.

“Oh,” Wonderfully eloquent. Stevie’s stomach turned again. “Is that it? I didn’t know you didn’t like her.”

It wasn’t just-

“I tried to,” Stevie protested, feeling oddly wronged. Defensive, in a way. “But she was rude to me from the jump and I’m not- I can’t stand the way she talks to me. I know I’m not very smart but it gets old, okay? I don’t need to be belittled every time I step foot into my psych class.”

Again, Eddie didn’t look upset.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice,” She admitted, frowning like she was the upset one now. “That’s not…I don’t know much about her, I guess-“ Stevie made an involuntarily face at that. Eddie laughed weakly. “Well, I don’t know anything about her personality beyond….things.”

You know what she feels like inside.

Stevie’s cheeks were flaming. She closed her eyes to try to get away from the embarrassing thought.

“Things,” Stevie said lamely. “It’s fine. I…I’ll get over it. I don’t control who you sleep with. Or- or I wouldn’t try to. I just didn’t like walking in on it- walking in on her. Seeing her. I see her enough as is.”

She still expected Eddie to flip a switch, to argue. Like maybe she liked Samantha more than she was putting on.

“Nah, I’m good,” Eddie grinned at Stevie. Just like that. She leaned against the arm of the couch, one leg bent to rest on the floor. As if they hadn’t been arguing in the first place. As if Stevie hadn’t run to the library just to get away from the awkward scene she’d encountered in their dorm. Poof and it was all gone. And it worked too. Stevie felt some of her tension resolve. She had expected more of a fight, it was what she was used to. “She was kind of mean, anyway. Not my thing.”

Huh. That was…interesting.

Stevie wasn’t sure what that even meant.

And she was far too curious to not ask.

“What is your thing?” Stevie asked, not meaning to let the question slip.

Eddie always managed to get it out of her. They barely even knew each other and yet. Stevie felt a little out of it every single time they spoke to each other. Eddie was just so different from anyone Stevie had ever known. That was all.

Eddie’s grin turned into a salacious smirk. It was new. Stevie had never seen her mouth like that, lips curled over her teeth.

Dirty.

It made Stevie want to hide again, weirdly enough.

“My thing is….sweet girls,” Eddie admitted, voice carrying softly toward Stevie. Hushed for the library. They needed to be quieter in here. “Girls who are a little shy, maybe.”

Shy? Was that even a thing? A type?

“Oh,” Stevie cleared her throat and smoothed the fabric of her pants out without looking up. Nope. She was already so- what was the word? Not uncomfortable. “That’s- that’s good. I’m- I’m just glad you’re getting laid.”

Eddie let out a sharp, sudden laugh.

Oh god.

Stevie wanted to hide her face, so she did. Right in the palms of her hands.

“I didn’t mean to say that,” Stevie groaned, unable to look up as Eddie meanly continued to laugh. “That- I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Sure you did,” Eddie replied between little bear silent bursts of laughter. “Hey, it’s okay. I was getting laid, right up until…”

Oh. Yeah. That probably-

“I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding someone new,” Stevie said. A touch too quickly, at that. Why would she say that?

Eddie narrowed her eyes in amusement once Stevie finally found the courage to look back up.

“Are you calling me a slut?”

What a question.

Was she?

“If the shoe fits,” Stevie said, gaining an absolute gasp of fake offense from Eddie. Stevie couldn’t help but to laugh too, only silenced by another hushing noise from far off. She felt lighter now. “I’m sorry. No, you’re- I wouldn’t even know how to identify- I have no right to-“

She couldn’t get the words out.

“Because you’re a sweet little virgin?” Eddie asked with the straightest of faces. A joke. Stevie felt oddly frozen in place, her entire body far too hot. “I think you can tell whether or not I’m a slut despite the fact that you’ve never seen a dick in person.”

Stevie felt dry in the throat.

Eddie was so crass.

She pushed some hair behind her ear and swallowed, “How do you know I haven’t seen one?”

Eddie only grinned at Stevie.

“I’ll bet you don’t even own a bullet,” Eddie said, voice pitching low. Library. Quiet. Normal, that was normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. Stevie thought her leg might start shaking. Up and down, up and down. “No way you’ve ever seen anything in real life.”

Anything?

Stevie rolled her eyes, the action not quite on autopilot at the moment.

Blame it on the sex talk. She wasn’t good at this.

“You don’t know what’s in my sock drawer.”

Eddie wasn’t laughing. She was biting her lip, gaze stuck on Stevie like glue. Like she couldn’t quite look away or disengage.

Stevie’s eyes drifted to her hands. Her fingers tapping away at her ankle, rings glinting.

Did she take them off for Samantha?

Did she set them aside?

Would she have let her wear them?

“Besides, I’m the most sexless person ever,” Stevie was just trying her best to move the conversation along. To get off the topic of her masturbation habits. Oh thank god Eddie couldn’t read her mind. “I wanted to go to a party or- or get on some apps. See if I could meet anybody. It’s- it’s not easy, not for me.”

“Do you think it’s easy for me?” Eddie asked. Stevie only gave her a blank look. “Okay, fine. But in my defense, the queer population isn’t that big-“

Stevie kind of wanted to roll her eyes.

“I bet you were a slut in high school too,” Stevie joked, the words slipping out before she could stop them. Eddie looked absolutely delighted.

“I was,” She admitted easily. “Came out early, no one was surprised. Had cheerleaders accosting me under the bleachers, in the locker room.”

Stevie hadn’t been a cheerleader.

She could only imagine how sordid an affair like that had felt. Like the movie they’d watched but not really. Stevie still needed to finish it.

“What did you do with them?” Stevie asked. She wanted to know. She didn’t want to know. She was a sexless virgin who sort of needed to know.

Eddie looked hesitant.

She told Stevie anyway.

“Mostly hand stuff,” She admitted, wiggling her fingers at Stevie. Oh. Like- “Not like I owned a strap back then.”

Stevie frowned.

What?

Eddie licked her lips and breathed out through her nose.

“It’s like…uh, you know. A harness,” She gestures to her hips. “With a toy on it. A dildo.”

Oh. Oh my god.

Stevie very abruptly buried her face in her hands, a mortified giggle leaking out.

She knew what that was. Vaguely. She didn’t watch that much porn and she hadn’t known anyone growing up who- oh god. She was so dumb, wasn’t she? She looked even more inexperienced now.

Back then.

Like she hadn’t owned one, back then.

But now…

“Did they like it?” Stevie asked, despite the fact that her brain kept telling her to shut up. Please. You’re going to offend Eddie eventually. You’re being wildly invasive.

“I had no complaints,” Eddie said with all the air of someone not trying to brag. “You’re taking this so well.”

Stevie felt-

Too hot. Her stomach was in knots.

You’re taking this so well.

Her leg was fucking shaking.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Please, don’t answer that. “It’s…it’s like, I didn’t realize two girls could do that-“ Eddie snorted. “I mean, I did. I did realize, I just didn’t think about it and- and now I’m just- god, I have to get laid. I do. This is taking too long.”

Eddie didn’t look shocked or annoyed or grossed out.

“You have to learn to love yourself first,” Eddie said sarcastically. Stevie reached out and smacked her leg on instinct alone. She was used to smacking Robin. Eddie laughed and held her hands up defensively. “I’m serious. Work on….loving yourself. Maybe go buy a toy or something. Learn about yourself before you let some frat guy get his paws all over you.”

Why did it sound less and less appealing?

“I wouldn’t even be able to order anything,” She didn’t want to admit it, especially after their first meeting. “Spoiled rich kid here. My parents know exactly what I order.”

Eddie didn’t make fun of her.

She simply shrugged.

“So go to a store.”

Ha.

Steve let out a startled, disbelieving laugh.

How were they having this conversation? Right now? It made zero sense.

“Like a- like a sex shop?” Stevie whispered, glancing around to make sure no one heard her. “I can’t- I can’t just do that. Are you joking? Are you messing with me? Do I look like the type of girl who would be caught dead in a sex shop?”

Eddie gave her a long look, eyes scraping down and back up. She tilted her head at Stevie. Another shrug.

“Could be,” Oh my god. Eddie sighed loudly, pressing back another smile. Almost like she didn’t want to offend Stevie. Maybe. Did it matter? They’d already worked their way past offended into absolutely mortified. “Look, I can go with you. I know a place near campus that isn’t grody. The staff are nice and…you’ll like it, trust me.”

Trust her?

Stevie took a deep breath.

Again. Why was this- why and how was this happening? She’d gone from upset to embarrassed to absolutely scandalized. All in the span of twenty minutes or less.

“Only if you go with me,” Stevie said, brows knitting together with a strange determination. “I know nothing about….you know. I don’t usually- that isn’t how I-“

“I can go with you,” Eddie cut in suddenly, voice suspiciously loud. “Also, I won’t- uh, I won’t see Samantha anymore. Out of respect for you. And she told me I have big nipples, so. I wasn’t exactly vibing with that.”

Stevie’s brows shot right up.

That was-

“Seriously?” She asked, feeling scandalized now for entirely different reasons.

“Oh yeah,” Eddie said, grinning like a madman as she leaned in. “Wanna hear all the other bitchy things she said?”

God. No. Or yes.

Yeah, she kind of did want to hear. From Eddie though, just from Eddie.

Chapter Text

Stevie was pretty sure she was broken.

Just- she was trying, that was the thing. She kept trying but things kept interrupting her or putting her out of the mood or-

It was kind of hard to be in the mood when she was constantly busy with school work. Or stressed about her stupid psych project, sequestering herself to alone time in her room in order to figure out how to do a presentation. Her alone time wasn’t even fun anymore. It was just YouTube videos on top of YouTube videos.

Stevie even resorted to porn and that was-

Yeah. Not her thing. It’d never been her thing. Not since Carol had talked her into watching some sordid back of the van porno when they were still teenagers. It was awkward. All Stevie could focus on was how to sit on Carol’s bed. How hot she felt all over, how she didn’t really want to look at the screen at all.

The feeling hadn’t gone away.

She even tried a few different videos.

Again, nothing.

It wasn’t working.

It’d probably help if she actually-

If she took Eddie up on her offer. The offer to go to a- a sex shop. Even the thought made Stevie want to die. As if everyone could see it on her face. The mere idea that she was thinking about sex toys all day. Considering them. Searching up different models under incognito on her phone.

She’d even tried to do some research.

The research was a video of a girl using a strange pink bullet device, her moans far more real than any of the other videos Stevie had previously seen.

She promptly exited out of the video and decided maybe the device wasn’t for her.

Or-

No, she’d looked it up.

It was like- it was the kind you used with an app. The kind that Stevie had never even realized existed. The internet really was something, as scary as the influx of information had been.

Bluetooth vibrators? Who knew?

And the concept was kind of-

Stevie wasn’t sure. It made her more excited than any video. Maybe it was the idea of not having to do any work or- no, that couldn’t be right. That wasn’t- she didn’t mean it like that. She’d just read a bunch of reviews and seen what other girls had to say, how they’d each used the toy.

Some of them had given control of it over to their husbands or- or their wives. Boyfriends and girlfriends and partners.

Stevie tried very hard not to think about what that would be like.

She also wasn’t really sure how to even broach the topic with Eddie. How was she supposed to just….walk up to her and go-

“So about that shop,” Stevie blurted out, feeling almost lightheaded as she sat up too fast in her bed. Eddie sat across the room, strumming listlessly on her guitar. But she stopped then, eyes wide as an owl as Stevie stared hard at her.

Fuck.

“What shop?” Eddie asked, looking far more confused than Stevie thought possible. Oh god, now Stevie was gonna have to say it, wasn’t she?

“The…you know,” She sighed loudly and pulled her knees to her chest. “The shop. With the toys and the stuff.”

Comprehension dawned on Eddie’s face. She sat with her mouth slightly open, looking sort of….thunderstruck.

“Oh. That shop.”

Stevie wanted to crawl under her blanket and die.

“Yeah, that one,” She squeaked, rubbing her hot cheek against her knee. Eddie wouldn’t stop staring and Stevie kind of wanted to take it back now. “Uh…could we go soon?”

Eddie blinked twice.

“Yeah!” Her voice cracked as she said it, clearing her throat in the next second. Stevie wasn’t sure what was going on at this point. “Yeah, we can totally go. Now? Do you- do you wanna go now?”

Stevie wondered if Eddie had things to buy. She sounded so eager to leave the dorms.

Again. Stevie really didn’t need to think about her friends sex life.

“Yeah, we can- we can go now.”

—

The car ride was almost excruciatingly silent.

Well, it wasn’t a car. And Eddie had thankfully turned some music on low, even if Stevie didn’t recognize it. She didn’t hate it.

Eddie had a van. Stevie hadn’t even really considered what Eddie might drive, not yet. A van made sense, not that she would say that to Eddie’s face. Stevie thought it might sound rude for some reason.

The back was stripped out, leaving only a soft surface of pillows and blankets and oddly enough, twinkle lights along the walls.

Stevie was pretty sure this was-

“Is this like, a bang van?”

She hadn’t meant to actually say it out loud. Her nerves were just frazzled, so everything kept leaking out.

Eddie snorted out a loud laugh, clearly startled by the question as she drove. Which. Stevie had never paid so much attention to someone driving in her life.

Just. It was interesting. Watching Eddie drive was interesting.

“A bang van?” She asked incredulously, only furthering Stevie’s growing embarrassment. She couldn’t even hide in here. She tried looking out the window, watching trees pass as they drove further form campus. “I think that’s, like…only a porn thing, babe.”

Babe.

Girls never called Stevie stuff like that. Or. Maybe they did. But it wasn’t- it wasn’t the same. It’d been years, really. And Stevie certainly didn’t feel comfortable throwing petnames out anymore.

She wondered how Eddie felt so comfortable saying certain things. Especially because she was-

“I know,” Stevie squeaked, even though she really didn’t know. “Just…I mean, it looks kind of-“

“Sus?” Eddie was grinning ear to ear. Good. Great. God, Stevie needed to shut up.

“Comfortable,” Stevie said quietly, looking down at her hands. “I just figured maybe you have, uh…dates in here, that’s all.”

Why couldn’t she stop prying? It was mindlessly annoying and ridiculous that Stevie couldn’t seem to stop delving into Eddie’s personal life. She just wanted to know more about Eddie.

“Sure,” Eddie replied casually, shrugging one shoulder. She wore a tank top today, black and torn up. It hung off her surprisingly broad shoulders, exposing the various mishmash of tattoos she’d gotten so far. Stevie tried not to examine them. “I like to think I’m more of a gentleman than to fuck random girls in my van but…it’s mostly because I used to sleep in here a lot.”

Oh.

Stevie was trying to move swiftly past that first part.

“Why?” She asked, realizing too late that she was being nosy again. The answer could be bad, she knew that. What if Eddie only felt safe sleeping in her van? That would be- “I’m so sorry, that’s none of my business.”

Eddie did something in the next second that Stevie didn’t expect.

She reached across the small aisle between them and rested her hand on Stevie’s knee.

“Hey,” She soothed. As if Stevie needed soothing. She didn’t, she was fine. Even as she stared wide eyed at the hand on her knee. “It’s all good, you didn’t upset me. I just used to play gigs and I didn’t wanna wake my Uncle up coming in late, that’s all.”

Oh. Yeah. That made sense.

“Did you play a lot of- a lot of gigs?”

Stevie’s throat was kind of dry. She should have brought a water. Eddie pulled her hand away a moment later, just as casually as she’d put it on Stevie’s leg. Like it never even happened. Stevie’s skin still tingled with goosebumps.

“I still play a few,” Eddie shrugged lightly. Like it wasn’t a big deal. It was actually really cool. Stevie wanted to know more. Did Eddie just play guitar? Or did she sing? Was she in a band or was she alone? “Here and there. You should come to one.”

Stevie was pretty sure she wouldn’t fit in.

“Sure,” She agreed anyway, realizing that if Eddie ever asked her to, Stevie would go. It was weird. She just somehow knew that she wouldn’t be able to say no. Maybe this was friendship. “I’d have to raid your closet, find something to wear. I don’t think you get many bubblegum pink girls at your shows.”

“No,” Eddie sighed dramatically. “But I should, I really should.”

What did that mean?

Eddie pushed right past her joke, glancing at Stevie briefly.

“You seem nervous,” Of course she did. “You sure you’re chill with this? We can just turn around.”

No. Absolutely not.

“No…I just need…” To relax. God, wasn’t that the entire point though? “I just hope it works.”

She let the statement hang in the air, unaware of the looks Eddie was now darting toward her.

“Well…I can’t imagine it won’t work,” Eddie spoke slowly, carefully. Stevie was just getting over blush from before. “It’s…pretty easy, I think.”

It really wasn’t.

“If it was easy, I’d be able to orgasm by now,” Stevie let slip out, exhausted by the mere idea. She was horny out of her mind half the time and unable to do anything about it. At all. “Or- or I’d be able to-“

“What do you usually think about?”

Eddie asked the question very casually, as if this was just something they did now. As if it was normal to discuss Stevie’s lack of sexual finesse.

“I don’t know,” Stevie tried to lie. She looked at Eddie and saw her eyebrows raised, obviously waiting for an actual response. “I- I guess, like. I think about someone. Or a guy. Just- just kind of faceless. And he kind of-“

She was going to die.

Her face was hot, her palms were sweaty.

She felt like throwing herself out of the van, kind of.

“Go on,” Eddie said calmly.

So Stevie did.

“And- and maybe I’m wearing a skirt, or like. I don’t know. I’m sitting on a desk or a counter or- and he just, he starts sliding his hand up my thigh,” Why couldn’t she stop now? It was like the words were just flowing out, one after another. “And he- he gets it underneath. To- to touch me. Obviously.”

“Obviously,” Eddie replied lowly. Stevie couldn’t look at her. Now right now. “And that isn’t working for you? Is that the usual fantasy?”

Yes. No.

“It changes,” Stevie squeezed her eyes shut just to get away from the embarrassment. “Sometimes I’m somewhere public, sometimes I’m just in my bed. I don’t know, I’m not very good at fantasizing.”

Eddie didn’t speak for a good chunk of time. It felt like minutes.

“I think your fantasies sound perfectly fine.”

Stevie actually groaned out loud, unable to take this weird form of humiliation any longer.

“What?” Eddie asked with a sudden laugh. “Was that too much?”

It was. It really was.

“Just…we’re always talking about my lack of a sex life or- or personal stuff,” Stevie gesture wildly, as if to prove her point. “We never talk about you.”

Maybe not the best way to put it.

“You wanna talk about my sex life?” Eddie asked incredulously, laughing uproariously at the go to hell look Stevie sent her. “Fine, fine. I get it. We talk about you too much, you’re high maintenance. You know you can just ask me stuff, right?”

Yeah. Sure.

When hell froze over.

“I’m so serious,” Eddie added, moving pet the joking nature of before. “I’m an open book.”

Hm.

And of course, Stevie had little to not filter anymore.

“How many girls have you slept with this semester?” Now. Stevie. Why?

Why would you ask that?

Eddie snorted loudly but looked otherwise unphased.

“Like three,” She said, shrugging like it didn’t matter. “Depends what you count as ‘sleeping with’ I guess. I haven’t broken my strap out, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

Oh yeah. That.

Stevie had forgotten about that.

“Why not?”

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Eddie darted a look toward her and Stevie quickly looked out the window.

“I dunno, haven’t had the interest,” She admitted. “No one is-“

“Worthy of it?” Stevie laughed nervously, finding the road very interesting indeed. “Or is it a relationship thing? Only lovers get penetration.”

Eddie laughed again. Stevie really liked that she could actually make someone else laugh for once.

“Please don’t ever say lovers again,” Eddie said, voice full of mirth. “And I guess? It’s not- not necessarily. I don’t know. It either happens or it doesn’t.”

What did her toys look like? How many did she own? Would she ever let Stevie-

“Could I see your- uh, your harness? Sometime?” Stevie asked, not sure why she even wanted to. She could look it up online. It wasn’t even- it was easy to look up, she knew that.

“Sure,” And again. Eddie was just so easy to get along with. “As long as you don’t freak out.”

Why would she freak out?

Stevie didn’t ask.

“When did you- um…when did you get it? Or like, I don’t know. When did you first start using it?” Stevie asked, rubbing her palms over her thighs like she might bleed some of her anxious energy away.

“A couple years ago,” Eddie admitted freely. “I was seeing this woman who was…well, she was a few years older than me. She kind of lent it to me and I never gave it back, so. It’s really nice, better than anything I could afford back then. I’ve got another one but I think it has some kind of…nostalgia to it? Something like that.”

Stevie was only stuck on one part.

“How much older?”

It was really none of her business.

When Stevie looked at Eddie, she looked mildly ashamed.

“She was…she was like forty.”

Oh.

Jesus Christ.

“Were you fucking someone’s mom?” Stevie asked, flabbergasted by the mere idea. She wasn’t truly shocked. She knew people did that but- but maybe it was the fact that it was two women. Then again, that was a bit naive of her.

Eddie laughed in shock, head tilted back for the briefest moment.

“Oh my god,” Eddie gasped. “Yes, okay? She was someone’s mom. A milf. Are you happy now?”

Not really.

Stevie reeled back from the feeling, frowning to herself. What the fuck? Why was she so annoyed out of nowhere?

“She was a bit kinky and so, I don’t know. I took a lot from the….relationship,” Ah. So it hadn’t actually been a relationship then. Stevie was beginning to pick up on all the things Eddie didn’t want to say out loud. “Anyway, I still have the harness. It’s cute.”

Stevie wasn’t going to think about it.

“I’ll show you it sometime.”

Right. Because Stevie had asked to see it.

They pulled into a parking lot right in time, apparently. Stevie was saved further embarrassment for her nosy nature. Eddie was quick to park, already throwing her door open before Stevie could even-

Could even think about it.

She was actually sort of mystified because she’d never seen Eddie move so fast.

Only to round the front of her van and- and stop outside Stevie’s door. To open it for her. Eddie was opening Stevie’s door.

Oh.

Stevie felt as if maybe the sun was a little too bright today. It was the only explanation for the unattractive shade of red she turned as Eddie held her door and grinned at Stevie.

“Thank you,” Stevie squeaked out, clearly not at all used to people opening doors for her. She wondered if it was something Eddie did a lot. If she’d ever done it for Samantha. The thought nearly soured her mood and not for the first time, she fought the urge to ask about the pink haired girl. “You didn’t have to-“

“Yes, I did.”

Eddie stepped aside to let Stevie out of the van, one hand resting gently near her waist.

Again. Stevie wasn’t used to being touched so much.

And then reality set in.

The shop before them was fairly innocuous. It was a simple building, really. Nothing like the dark gothic mansion Stevie had built up in her mind. No, it was white bricks and clear windows. There was a broad sign on the side that read ‘Eden’ in red cursive writing.

It wasn’t nearly as scary as she thought it would be. From the outside, anyway.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Eddie soothed, shutting the door behind them. She’d misread Stevie’s silence, that much was obvious. “It’s really not that bad inside.”

Yeah. Maybe it wasn’t.

Stevie took a deep breath and nodded, allowing herself to simply follow Eddie inside. The door jingled above them and a peppy girl greeted them from the front, a smile stretching across her black lipsticked lips.

Her name tag read Chrissy.

“Hey, babe!” The girl at the counter called, waving at Eddie as if they knew each other. Which, yeah. It made sense. That didn’t meant Stevie had to like it. Again, she had to get over this weird possessiveness she had over her friendship with Eddie. It couldn’t be healthy. “It’s been too long! Who’s this lovely person?”

Eddie walked ahead of Stevie, guiding her into the main area of the shop. It wasn’t so bad, just a mix of lingerie hanging from small racks. A few mannequins that wore intriguing outfits that Stevie would never dare consider. Still. She could look, couldn’t she? That was the whole point. She had a pocket full of cash pulled from her account, just so her parents wouldn’t know what she was up to.

“This is Stevie,” Eddie greeted, leaning comfortably against the counter. Chrissy looked….oddly peppy for such a gothic looking person. Was that right? Stevie didn’t know much about aesthetics or subcultures or whatever. But this girl had a swinging ponytail and dozens of piercings in her ears. She wore dark kohl liner and black lipstick. Even her black dress was moody. And yet, Stevie almost recognized something oddly familiar in the way she held herself. “She’s my roommate.”

Chrissy’s eyes widened in understanding.

“Ah, they were roommates,” She tapped her temple, crazy eyes sliding over to Stevie. “Well, I promise I won’t bother the two of you much. I know you like your privacy, Ed.”

Eddie rolled her eyes fondly and Stevie tried not to frown.

“How’s the missus?” Eddie asked instead, smiling at Chrissy like they really were old friends. Missus? As in…?

“None of your business,” Chrissy replied in a singsong voice. “Now, go do your thing. I’ve got tapes to sort out.”

Eddie huffed out a laugh but pulled back from the counter with more intention this time.

Just like that, Chrissy slipped into a backroom and Stevie and Eddie were left alone again. God, they really must have been close for Chrissy to trust Eddie walking around the store.

Which- no. That sounded bad. Eddie didn’t look like she would steal anything, that wasn’t what Stevie meant.

They just seemed close.

“How long have you known each other?” Stevie asked with no real intention behind her question. Chrissy was taken, that much was clear.

“Oh, a handful of years,” Eddie said absentmindedly, leading Stevie past all the pretty racks of lingerie and deeper into the store. They passed a second doorway and the lights were much dimmer now. The walls were a sordid red, almost tacky. It was cute, Stevie realized. She liked the cliche nature of it, shelves of toys spanning out in front of her. Still. She almost couldn’t look at them. “So, what did you have in mind?”

“Why would you assume I had anything in mind?” Stevie asked numbly, walking closer to a display of- of what looked like restraints. Collars and handcuffs and- yeah, walking away.

“Please,” Eddie scoffed playfully. “Girl like you? Bet you were googling the word dildo for three days straight after I-“

“Oh my god,” Stevie interrupted in abrupt mortification. “This isn’t gonna work if you start making fun of me.”

Eddie only grinned at her, clearly amused. She led Stevie to another shelf, something that was obviously-

Just. So many dicks. Of the plastic, rubber variety. Silicone? Stevie wasn’t even sure. She eyed a neon green one that looked like it might be the circumference of her wrist.

“How does that even work?” She asked in a hushed whisper.

Eddie looked over at the same toy and pushed back a rude laugh.

“Lots of lube, babe,” She winked at Stevie, to her mounting horror. “Not for a beginner like you.”

Stevie was both insulted and-

Well. Other things. Unimportant, undefinable things.

Stevie resisted the urge to grumble ridiculously. Eddie definitely wasn’t wrong.

The next shelf had-

“These are buttplug-“

“I know what a buttplug is,” Stevie interjected quickly, eyes now rolling of their own accord. It felt good to get a little bratty. “I may be a virgin but I’m not stupid.”

She let her fingers graze over the blister sealed packages hanging from pegboard. They were interesting, she couldn’t deny it. But for her? She wasn’t really sure. Not yet, definitely not yet.

“You into it?” Eddie asked, watching Stevie intently. It was kind of odd. Maybe she just really liked looking at sex toys.

Probably.

Stevie pushed the thought away immediately.

“I dunno,” Stevie shrugged, turning to Eddie with a very serious expression. “God gave us two holes for a reason, right?”

Eddie’s eyes widened in shock, right before she let out a loud cackle.

Stevie couldn’t help but smile, pleased that she could make Eddie laugh. It was nice, actually. It was nice that Eddie thought Stevie was funny at all.

“I’m pulling you away from that wall before you start getting ideas,” Eddie laughed, grabbing Stevie by her hand and pulling her to a different part of the store. Their fingers laced together and some deep, embarrassed part of Stevie hoped that her palms weren’t sweaty. “This seems more your speed.”

And it was.

Stevie felt her heartbeat quicken as she scanned over a wall of bullets. Tiny things with strings and controller boxes connected to them. Egg shaped, cylindrical. She reflexively squeezed Eddie’s hand without meaning to. Eddie squeezed back.

“Actually, I…” Go on, say it. Eddie was absolutely right about you doing research. Mostly. “I was kind of interested in, like. One of those app ones? Sort of…”

She looked over her choices, deeply aware of Eddie’s silent presence next to her.

“Those are a little pricey,” Eddie said, voice gone breathy as she leaned across Stevie and reached for a box. Stevie could smell her like this, her scent becoming more and more familiar over time. “This isn’t bad though, I don’t think.”

Stevie hated that she had to let go of her hand.

It was slightly different from the one Stevie had seen online. A different brand, a different shape.

It was more bulbous on the middle, a continuous line that curved around and ended in a little antenna. Like it would-

“So it would uh-“ Stevie held the package in her own hands, teeth biting down on her bottom lip. “Just….go inside me and curve up toward-“

“Yep,” Eddie interrupted abruptly, hands now shoved deep into her pockets as she rocked back on her heels. “What, uh- what had you interested in this- this kind of toy?”

It felt like a very weird interview.

Steve shrugged like she didn’t know.

“I figured it could be fun,” She said, looking Eddie dead on in a moment of pure, blinding bravery. “Not using my hands at all, just laying there and like…taking it, I guess.”

Eddie’s jaw flexed, her head nodding almost of its own accord.

“Totally makes sense,” Eddie said, voice strained in a way that Stevie didn’t quite understand. It was gone in the very next second. “You should get that one then. It’s got an app to download and everything.”

Sure.

Stevie didn’t have a basket.

Did she need one? Surely not.

She perused a few other shelf’s, Eddie trailing behind her and touching random objects as if she herself wanted to purchase something.

Stevie kind of hoped she didn’t.

And then….

Then, Stevie was back near the entrance room. The room full of lace and satin things. It was hard to not look. To not be entranced, as uncomfortable as she was. She owned nighties, for fucks sake. Why would any of this be intimidating?

She was solely focused on a little black number. It was a two piece with lots of straps over the cleavage area, thin and impractical. Nearly see through in quality. The panties were worse. They were boy shorts but- but completely made of lace. Indecent, really.

Stevie shot a look at Eddie and saw her standing stock still. Staring at the set with a blank face.

Okay.

“I’m gonna get one of these,” Stevie said, already plucking up a pair of the black panties. She shifted the toy in her hand and held the panties up against her own hips, peering at Eddie from underneath her lashes. “Do you think a medium would fit me fine? Or should I go for a large?”

Eddie looked-

“Depends on how tight you want them to be,” She said stiffly, licking her lips but not looking away. “I’m not really an expert.”

Stevie felt emboldened.

“So medium, then.”

The implication was clear. Stevie, spilling out of a lingerie outfit that was too tight on her breasts and ass. She could almost see the image in her head. The black would contrast against her tan skin. You’d be able to see everything.

This feeling was addicting, even if she wasn’t sure why.

“Sure, why not?”

Eddie was really bad about keeping eye contact. Stevie always had to look away but it seemed like Eddie didn’t feel the pressure too. Or maybe she was just stuck, staring Stevie in the eye. Stock still and almost silent.

Had Stevie said something wrong?

She picked out a top to match before she could change her mind.

“I think this is all I want for now,” She said with a grin, willing to move past the strange tension for now. She wasn’t really sure what was going on but….it was a lot. Especially for someone like Stevie. Eddie seemed to snap out of whatever trance she was in, clearing her throat and shaking her head at the same time. She even shook her hands out, as if they’d been clenched into fists for a bit. Had Stevie mad Eddie angry? Or annoyed her? She hoped not.

“Alright,” Eddie replied, already walking past Stevie and up toward the counter. Stevie followed, feeling as though she’d misstepped somehow. She was just messing with Eddie, surely that much was obvious. Maybe Stevie had made her uncomfortable. She stood next to Eddie, spilling her items onto the empty counter. Just when she was ready to break the silence, Eddie reached out and slid a bottle over onto the pile. “Wouldn’t want you to hurt anything.”

It was lube.

Of course it was.

She had the audacity to wink at Stevie as she rang the bell.

Steve didn’t even have a chance to respond before Chrissy walked back to the front counter, the same smile on her face from before. She looked subtly between Eddie and Stevie but didn’t comment on the contents of Stevie’s purchase.

Steve greatly appreciated that part.

She was already embarrassed, no need to add commentary on top. Eddie and Chrissy made quick small talk as she put Stevie’s new belongings into a bag. It was discreet and black. Nothing flashy.

“I’ll see you in a few weeks,” Eddie called, after Stevie had already paid. She pulled Stevie to the door by her hand again. At least this time, Stevie’s palms weren’t nearly as sweaty.

—

Eddie cleanly avoided the topic on the way back to campus.

It was odd. Almost uncanny. It felt a lot like they hadn’t even gone to the sex shop in the first place.

Eddie didn’t make any jokes about Stevie’s toy. No comments on her lingerie. It was disconcerting, considering Stevie was pretty sure Eddie wasn’t upset with her.

They talked about their classes, some exams coming up. Nothing of interest. Well, that wasn’t true. Stevie enjoyed listening to Eddie talk about music. She had so much passion, it was almost inspiring.

It made Stevie want to play tennis, weirdly enough. Maybe it was just listening to someone else love something so thoroughly. Stevie could relate. She missed a lot of things from her life before college. But at least she was trying. She could only attempt to integrate some of her old hobbies back into her life. And they might not be as serious now but at least they existed.

At least she had things to look forward to.

She didn’t tell Eddie that she wanted to hear her play the guitar again. She didn’t tell Eddie that she was curious if she played any other instruments, if she could sing. Stevie wanted to know. But she also didn’t want to seem invasive or weird.

She could only hope that Eddie might sing for her one day.

—

The issue with Stevie’s roommate no longer hating her guts was that…

Eddie was kind of…around. All the time.

Stevie liked that Eddie was around a lot, mostly. Nine times of ten, really. Only, it had been about five days since their field trip and Stevie still hadn’t…

Well, you know.

And she wanted to. Badly.

But most of her and Eddie’s classes were at the same times. Eddie hadn’t been going out much lately, if at all. And Stevie wasn’t about to resort to using her new toy in their shared bathroom. Not when she had a perfectly acceptable bed to use.

Just. If only Eddie would….leave for a bit.

Stevie was keyed up just waiting for an opportunity.

Which didn’t seem likely to present itself. That was the only reason, really. The only reason Stevie resorted to touching herself in the same room as Eddie. While Eddie slept peacefully just a few feet away.

It was complicated.

Eddie slept with headphones on, so Stevie wasn’t immensely worried. Their room was dark enough that she wouldn’t be able to see anything. And she always slept on her side, facing the wall.

It was honestly a wonder that Stevie hadn’t given in sooner.

Did she feel guilty already? Yes. But was she ever going to get to use her new toy otherwise? She wasn’t sure. She didn’t want to rent a hotel room just to-

Anyway. The snick of her bottle of lube was quiet enough. She didn’t really know how much to use but the toy itself wasn’t very big, so. Not much. Stevie had already downloaded the app days ago. She’d fumbled through it a handful of times, heart beating hard as she looked at all the settings. The little chart where you could drag a cursor up and down.

She just wanted to see.

That was the whole point, right?

Eddie would never know.

Stevie wasn’t used to putting things inside herself. Her fingers, maybe. Sometimes. Tampons. But not the smooth silicone of a toy, sliding in with the aid of lube. It was easy, the biggest part bulbous enough that she had to stifle a sudden whine.

She turned her face and rubbed it against her pillow, legs spread wide beneath her covers. Indecent and so wet.

Okay, so- so that felt good.

Like she was pressing in just the right place inside of her. It made her skin tingle with goosebumps, nipples hardening as she bit her lip and let the leftover bit press loosely over her clit. The fit was-

Wonderful.

Stevie wanted to press her thighs together already. Allow herself to roll into it, allow her body to hump at nothing in particular.

She was already sweating in the dark.

And then there was the app.

Stevie’s hands were shaky when she picked her phone up, brightness turned down as far as it could go. She really didn’t want to wake Eddie up.

But there was something about this. Something about having her thighs spread like a slut, while someone rested only a few feet from Stevie.

She took a deep breath and pressed the small ON button on the app.

The effect was not slow. Not at all, actually. Stevie had to bite her bottom lip harder than before, eyes rolling as the toy came to life inside of her. It buzzed against that spot, it buzzed over her clit. Too much, honestly. But she didn’t want to turn it off, not yet.

It felt too good.

The pressure inside her felt so intense, a deep thrum that had her toes curling underneath the blanket. She couldn’t help it, not anymore. It only took seconds for Stevie’s thighs to clamp together. Her phone fell to her chest as she rocked up into the sensation, only to drift back down. There was nowhere to run, she couldn’t get away. Her position wedged the toy against her clit and only made things worse.

But god, she was mindless.

She clamped a hand over her mouth and bit down hard, possessed by a feeling she’d never experienced before in her life.

More. She needed more.

Stevie fumbled for her phone in the dark, trying hard to not breathe too harshly.

She turned the setting up and her legs fell open this time. Only for Stevie to delve right into in, hand pushing between and rubbing frantically at her soaked clit. It wasn’t the lube anymore, it couldn’t be. Stevie was gushing, thighs slick as she choked back a high pitched whine.

Oh god, this was what people were so obsessed with?

She understood now, she really did.

Hand up the skirt, lifted onto a counter.

Stevie’s mind drifted as she rubbed noisily at her pussy. She could hear it, that was the embarrassing part. She could hear it even beneath the blanket. But she couldn’t stop now.

Not when her mind was gone. Not when she was imagining how it would feel if someone else’s hand was down there, if someone else was controlling the app.

Fucking hell.

She envisioned it so clearly. Someone’s kitchen, maybe during a party. Sitting on a counter while a faceless person slipped between her thighs. Held her jaw as they kissed her. Pulled her hair, guided her so she wouldn’t have to even think about what to do.

Stevie turned her face to the side, trying her best to muffle her whines. It didn’t help, not at all. But she was too far gone and Eddie still wasn’t making any noise. It didn’t matter, not when there was a blissful pressure building up inside of Stevie. Not when she felt ready to explode.

She was so wet, her fingers slipping over her pussy with ease now. Playing with the stem of the toy, pulling it out just an inch, only to push it back in. Slow and steady, her eyes almost rolling from how good it felt. Everyone was right. Eddie was right.

Eddie.

Stevie felt her blood spike, hips pushing up into each minute thrust of the toy. It slipped wetly inside of her, burying just a little deeper. She almost wanted to cry, that’s how good it felt.

And Eddie slept just a few feet away.

If she was awake, would she hear Stevie? Would she know? Would she smell her?

The thought was humiliating in a new way. A way that Stevie was trying to not focus on. It made her walls clench up around the toy, still only on the second setting. She couldn’t take more, she already knew that much.

She was going to cum.

It was what she’d wanted this entire time, her hand slapping back over her mouth as she released a hushed but wild moan. She was- she was-

She crested over the wave, her thighs closing instantly around the toy. She bucked into it, squeaking the old bed springs on accident. But she couldn’t stop, not even as she bit at her own fingers and shook through her orgasm.

She thought about curling her fingers into curly hair, she thought about sharp teeth biting at her neck. Cologne and- and something rough, something rougher than Stevie even knew how to handle. Things she never allowed herself to imagine, to delve into. They flit past her mind like a slideshow, quick and dirty as she buried a cry into her pillow.

It was abruptly too much.

She scrambled for the phone, shutting it off instantly. Her fingers only slipped a little against the screen and she had a moment to be kind of grossed out about the lube.

Oh well.

She would be more careful next time.

She heaved a quiet breath, sinking back into her bed as she tried her best to calm down. It seemed almost impossible, her heart attempting to leap into her throat and out of her mouth.

Holy hell. That really was amazing, wasn’t it? She- maybe she was just the type of girl who needed a toy, maybe that was her issue. She couldn’t get off on her own, so she needed a little help.

The toy has been an amazing idea.

Removing it wasn’t so bad, even if it made Stevie want to moan again. She was sensitive, that was the problem. Too sensitive, probably.

God. How was she supposed to ever have sex if she was this reactive?

The toy slipped free and she lay it a safe distance from her on the bed. Oh well, she needed to wash her sheets soon anyway. She would feel bad about it later. Maybe.

Maybe not.

She definitely was starting to feel some sort of guilt sink in.

But what Eddie didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, right?

Chapter Text

Stevie felt nothing but blinding guilt.

Okay. Maybe not so much. She felt a lot more than guilt, obviously. A desperate need to do it again because it had been so fun the first time. It was basically haunting her waking thoughts. She was almost certain you could even see it painted right across her face.

I masturbated in the same room as my roommate. I’m no better than a teenage boy, a frat guy. I’m gross. I snuck around in the middle of the night just so I could wash the toy because I was too grossed out by my actions to not wash it. Like? That would have pushed it a step too far for Stevie. She wasn’t….unsanitary. She never had been.

It didn’t help that she’d nearly tripped on the way to the bathroom, catching herself against the wall with widened eyes and a quick heartbeat.

She had peered over at Eddie’s bed and saw her facing the wall. Back lifting and falling as she slept peacefully.

It was fine.

Eddie didn’t even know.

And she wouldn’t ever know. Because who was going to tell her? No one. No one else could, only Stevie. Which was sort of the problem. Honestly, Stevie didn’t have a boner for telling the truth or anything. She just had a paranoid and controlling mother who tried to eek information out of her at any given time, determined to believe the worst of Stevie. And she’d been like that since Stevie was a child.

“I know you’re lying to me.”

Stevie blanched as she held her phone to her ear, rushing along the sidewalk on her way to class. Her mom was ranting at her about something, something obviously unrelated. Obviously. Stevie was pretty sure if her mom ever found out she bought a sex toy, she’d go insane.

“Stevie,” Her mom sighed down the line, a noise that made Stevie itch all over. It wasn’t a normal sigh, as if it ever was. “You haven’t gotten any feedback from your professors yet? You need to be more proactive. I don’t want to be wasting money on an education for you, if you’re not going to even-“

“It’s like…been a little over a month,” Stevie replied weakly, still sleepy after having woken up much too late. Hence why she was rushing to her psych class. She couldn’t be late. She’d had a relatively good track record so far, she didn’t want to mess that up. “I’m not sure they’re gonna have much to say.”

“Nonsense,” Her mom snapped back. Always. Always snapping at Stevie. “Clarissa is doing wonderful, since you didn’t ask after your sister-“ Why would Stevie even need to? She wanted to roll her eyes but she was almost scared her mom would know. “Her classes are going excellent, she’ll probably makes the deans list. She even met a boy.”

Stevie almost bumped into a shorter girl on the sidewalk. She apologized quietly, her legs feeling quite numb now as she continued her walk.

She didn’t want to talk about this.

And she definitely didn’t want to hear about how good her sister was doing.

“If you could just meet a nice enough boy-“

“I have to get to class,” Stevie interrupted, despite the fact that she was a good block away from the building. “Sorry, mom. Love you. Hope you have a good day.”

Hope you have the day you deserve.

Stevie swallowed more guilt as she hung up her phone. It was going to eat her alive someday, wasn’t it?

—

Psych class wasn’t going well.

She’d spent the better part of her week (when she wasn’t obsessing over a sex toy) working on her project. She wasn’t very good at slideshows and it showed. But she had tried, at least. She just hadn’t had the opportunity to have Robin look over it and make sure that it was up to par.

“There’s….so many spelling mistakes,” Samantha said, refusing to meet Stevie’s eye. She’d been that way since they walked into class. Smug and oddly avoidant, as if that combo could exist in real life. “You know there’s this thing called google? And autocorrect? You can totally use them to make sure you’re not spelling shit wrong.”

Stevie wasn’t in the habit of grinding her teeth.

She kind of wanted to smack the glasses off of Samantha’s nose. Why did she always have to poke at Stevie? They barely knew each other. There was no need for her to act like Stevie had committed some great evil.

“I’ll do that,” Stevie said instead, trying her best to keep the peace. Knowing they couldn’t switch out partners. She was stuck with this demon for at least another week. “I think besides that-“

“This picture has a watermark,” Samantha rolled her eyes heavily toward Stevie. “You couldn’t find something without a watermark?”

Oh. So she wasn’t done yet.

“It’s a placeholder,” Stevie said slowly. Purposely. So that Samantha could feel like an idiot for once. “It’s a photo you put in place of another photo that you might find at a later date. If you look at the tiny line of print below the photo, you’ll see where it says it’s a placeholder.”

She sure did look offended that Stevie was throwing the attitude back at her.

“Well,” She snipped back. “Maybe you should find something that fits. And don’t take too long, we only have a week.”

God. Whatever.

Stevie rolled her eyes and sighed noisily. She could tell just how much Samantha hated the noise. It only made Stevie want to be more obnoxious.

“Look,” Was she really about to do this? In the middle of class? “I get that you don’t like me and all but can we just attempt to get along? Just for the rest of the project? Please?”

It cost Stevie a lot of pride to throw that please in there.

But Samantha was like a fucking fortress prison.

She gave Stevie a snarky smile, tapping her annoying nails against her desk. Like a cat eyeing up a mouse. Stevie wasn’t sure why she’d ever complimented the girl on that first day. She clearly didn’t deserve it.

“See, that’s kind of a problem for me,” Samantha said, dragging her words around sarcastically. “Because you’re gonna see a lot of me. After all, you already did see too much of me, didn’t you? Do you think your roommate is just gonna ghost me and you’ll never have to deal with me again?”

A part of Stevie sensed a lot of coping and reaching going on here. Samantha was being defensive about something Stevie hadn’t even mentioned.

Another part of Stevie wondered if Eddie was still messing around with Samantha. And she was trying to squash that part. None of her business, none of her business.

She couldn’t stand the snarky little smile on Samantha’s face.

That must have been why it slipped out.

“I’ll bet Eddie’s been ghosting you for a while now, actually.”

It was a shot in the dark.

One that had Samantha’s face bleeding red, her eyebrows knitting together in embarrassment and anger. Stevie knew, she knew the look too well.

“You don’t know that,” Samantha reiterated. “Both of us are single. I know it’s hard for you to comprehend but sometimes people in college like to hook up. No strings attached. You seem like a barefoot in the kitchen, married at twenty type of girl-“ Stevie felt her own face heat, her right eye twitching. “What? Aren’t there any eligible young bachelors out here? No young republicans for you to bump uglies with? More than anything, Eddie’s my friend. We’re close. We talk every single day. I literally just texted her to ask if she wants to go out tomorrow.”

Stevie felt her jaw ache with how much she was holding back. She’d never felt so suddenly violent in her life.

“I bet she hasn’t texted you back,” Stevie said sweetly, her mean girl attitude beginning to bleed through. She didn’t get like this often. “I’m shocked you made it to the dorm room. You seem like you’d be well acquainted with Eddie’s van.”

Stevie was right.

She could see it on Samantha’s face.

Bingo.

“You’re such a-“

In fact, fuck it.

Stevie pulled her phone out and fired off the quickest text in her life.

‘Hey, do you wanna help me study tmrw? In the library?’

“I’m such a what?” Stevie asked, taking in the scrunch between Samantha’s brow. The way she kept eyeing Stevie’s phone. “Go on, say it.”

It took all of ten seconds for Eddie to text her back.

Stevie couldn’t help the smile that exploded over her face as Samantha floundered before her.

Stevie waved her phone obnoxiously in the air, grinning like a maniac. Eddie had replied.

“Oh, would you look at that? I’m busy too tomorrow. Got a study date in the library.”

She didn’t know what compelled her to say it, why she had to frame it that way. Maybe just to annoy Samantha. It made sense, Stevie couldn’t stand her.

Samantha leaned toward Stevie, venom in her voice as she hissed at her.

“You’re such a fucking closet case.”

—

It keep running through Stevie’s head.

Class with Samantha hadn’t ended on a good note. It’d only been the stares of their classmates that had stopped Stevie from slapping her. It was an unusual urge for Stevie. She wasn’t really used to wanting to hurt people.

But Samantha was mean. Mean and hateful and-

And Stevie wasn’t going to think about it.

She wasn’t.

In fact, she was having Robin look over her slideshow in the privacy of Robin’s dorm and she hadn’t even brought it up yet. She didn’t need to.

She could talk about other things.

Other things like…

“So, I kind of-“ Stevie broke off, unsure if this particular topic was well suited for Robin. They’d gotten closer, sure. But it was pretty personal. “I kind of got a uh, a toy? For the first time. Like, just last week.”

Robin’s brows shot up, her smile suddenly very pleased.

She looked away from Stevie’s laptop screen automatically.

“Oh? The first time? I mean, I knee you were-“ She gave a vague hand movement that Stevie didn’t understand. “But that’s great! Did it…did it work?”

Again. Broaching topics they’d never gone near before. Stevie wasn’t used to being able to talk to other girls about anything. Especially not masturbation.

“It was amazing,” Stevie gushed, fully leaning in and giggling. “I didn’t know it could be like that, you know? It was insane. It took like…not even five minutes. I’m just glad I didn’t have to go buy it alone. I’ve never been in a sex shop before, so it was kind of…I don’t know, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”

Robin froze in place, the smallest reaction Stevie had ever seen from her friend. It was odd, the way Robin looked at Stevie.

“Who’d you go with?” She asked, sounding a whole lot like she knew already. But that wasn’t possible. Right? Stevie hadn’t said anything or given any sort of indication.

“Oh, uh- Eddie. I went with Eddie. It was a lot of fun.”

She didn’t need to add that last part, did she?

“I’m glad Eddie could be there for you,” Oh no. Was Robin jealous? Stevie hoped she hadn’t accidentally started some sort of friend jealousy. “Was she nice when you went?”

Oh. Yeah? She definitely was.

“Mhm,” Stevie said in the affirmative, nodding her head and absentmindedly fiddling with Robin’s blanket. She was laying on her stomach in front of her laptop, feet kicking innocently. “She knew a lot about….a lot of stuff.”

Robin hummed.

“How’s that going? Are the two of you getting along better?”

Why did Stevie feel like she was in a therapy session?

Better yet, why was it making her want to confess things?

Stevie shrugged.

“Yeah, I think so,” She admitted before frowning. It was just… “She’s, you know. Sleeping with my psych partner. For this project, right?” Robin nodded. “Or, well. I think she is. She said they were over but…I dunno, Samantha is kind of a heinous bitch who can’t keep her mouth shut, so. I’m not so sure now.”

Well. She certainly hadn’t meant to say all that.

Robin didn’t looked too shocked at Stevie’s unflattering description of Samantha. She’d already heard enough.

“Stevie,” Robin said with all the air of a person about to drop a bombshell. Stevie tensed up in seconds. “I don’t mean this in any…confrontational way or anything. But um. Do you think you might….have a crush on Eddie?”

Stevie laughed.

Like, full blown shocked and awed laughter.

It actually kind of hurt her ribs.

“What?” She wheezed, unable to stop herself now. “Me? And-? No, no- it’s, no- that’s not even- I’m not even- and Eddie is, like-“ Stevie made a funny gesture with her hand, grin going borderline manic. She felt oddly sick to her stomach now. Like maybe her lunch had been bad. “That’s not what’s going on.”

Robin stared at Stevie. She didn’t look very offended.

“Okay then,” Robin said carefully. Stevie didn’t love her tone but she also didn’t want to snap at Robin. She was just being nice. “A friend crush. Are you sure you’re not feeling territorial over her?”

What did that mean?

“I’m not territorial of her,” Stevie said, borderline defensive. Robin held her hands up and Stevie tried to calm down a little. She wasn’t in snappy territory, not yet. “Just….it’s nice being closer to my roommate. It’s nice being friends with her, that’s all. And Samantha is rude to me, so I don’t love the thought of her being around. I don’t own Eddie.”

Stevie’s stomach twisted into knots, a snake in the making.

She vaguely wondered what Eddie was up to right now. Who she was with.

No.

“No, I totally get it,” Robin said, almost apologetically. Stevie immediately felt bad for making her sound like that. Like she needed to walk on eggshells around Stevie. “Just…you can always talk to me. If you need to. About anything.”

Stevie felt her stomach loosen. Just a little.

“You’re a good friend,” Stevie sighed, leaning her head onto Robin’s shoulder. It was almost an apology. “A really good friend.”

—

Stevie was still feeling….guilty. Still.

Which would explain why she was trying to avoid Eddie. The avoiding didn’t last very long, considering the fact that Stevie forgot to text and see if Eddie was even in their dorm before she arrived back from Robin’s.

And, as fate would have, Eddie was in fact in their dorm. Resting with her guitar, playing to the ceiling as she lay on her back.

Stevie closed the door quietly, secretly pleased that Eddie wasn’t…away somewhere else. Nowhere in particular.

The music was kind of….melancholy.

“Are you okay?” Stevie asked cautiously.

Eddie didn’t look up but she did stop playing, waving a hand in the air.

“Yep,” She said, sighing and placing her guitar to the side. Stevie almost wanted to tell her to keep playing. She sat up in the next moment though, her curly hair an absolute mess. “Just thinking too much. Are you okay? You look…”

Stevie peered down at her shirt, making sure it wasn’t sweaty or anything. No stains.

“What?”

Eddie didn’t say anything for a second. Suspended in time. Had Stevie done something wrong?

“Nothing,” Eddie smiled, eyes crinkling as she patted the bed next to her. “Wanna come tell me about your day?”

Stevie hesitated. Something strange was happening. Maybe? She wasn’t even sure. Did friends do stuff like this? Sit on each others beds?

Of course they did.

She was just sitting on Robin’s bed, Jesus Christ.

“Okay,” Stevie said, setting her bag aside and slipping her shoes off. She side eyed Eddie as she made her way over. She looked kind of nervous, that was the thing. “Are you….sure you’re okay?”

Just. Eddie was being weird.

“Yeah,” Eddie said hesitantly, waiting until Stevie was fully seated on the bed before turning toward her. “I uh….Stevie? Can I tell you something?”

Stevie felt as though her stomach had fully caved out. Just like that, in an instant. She felt like she might sink through the ground, melt right into the floor below.

Just say something.

Stevie didn’t respond, she couldn’t.

Eddie started talking anyway.

“I’m not fooling around with Sam anymore. You know that, right? Because I don’t like that she’s mean to you and between you and me, she’s kind of clingy. In a bad way. I just wanted to tell you. From my own mouth. That’s all.”

Stevie wasn’t sure if she felt relieved or…

Wait.

“How did you….” Nope. Don’t admit it. Stevie was already embarrassed by her behavior in class. “Did she…uh…did she say something to you?”

Stevie had to advert her gaze, staring over Eddie’s shoulder while her face burned in some mixture of shame and- and she wasn’t even sure anymore.

Eddie angled her head back into Stevie’s line of vision.

And reached a hand out to touch Stevie on the leg, just like she’d done in the car. Stevie felt warm fingers brush against her thigh, legs bare in her shorts.

“Hey, you’re alright,” Eddie soothed Stevie, her voice dropping into a cadence that Stevie had definitely never heard her use. Ever. She wasn’t sure if she was insulted or not. She wasn’t quite that skittish, was she? “She may have said something. But it’s not a big deal and I kind of…I might have blocked her number.”

Oh my god.

Stevie felt a sense of elation that was surely wrong. Gross. She was being gross and territorial and mean. And she kind of didn’t care.

Samantha shouldn’t have been such a bitch to her.

“Really?” Stevie bit her lip and tried to play it off. She didn’t care. No, really. This wasn’t having any kind of vindictive effect on her at all. “You didn’t have to do that.”

Eddie shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.

“You’re my friend,” Eddie said, eyes concentrated on Stevie. The eye contact was a bit unnerving, actually. “I don’t want people being dicks to you, okay? Tell me if it ever happens again.”

Stevie felt something inside her spark. If it happens again.

No. Not territorial.

“It’s okay,” Stevie smiled and blanketed her hand over Eddie’s. It took a lot for her to do so. “I’m fine-“ Eddie gave her a look. “Really, I am.”

“Is that why you’ve been acting so weird lately?” Eddie asked. Like she knew something Stevie didn’t. And Stevie supposed she kind of did. If Samantha was going around yapping about Stevie and all.

“I haven’t been weird,” Another look. Eddie turned her hand over and cupped Stevie’s palm with her own. Okay. Okay. “I just…”

Something inside Stevie was boiling up again. Something bad. Something she didn’t want to let out, not with Eddie. And that was never good. Stevie couldn’t do this right now, not with Eddie looking at her like that.

So, what did Stevie do instead?

She lied.

“I’m still having problems,” She said, a lightbulb bursting in her brain. Breaking glass and shattering all over. Fuck. Eddie gave her an inquisitive look and Stevie knew she couldn’t backtrack now. “With the…you know, the toy. I tried it and uh…well, obviously it was when you were- you were in class, I’m not- I’m not rude enough to-“ Stevie let out a strangled laugh, willing her stupid palm to not get sweaty as Eddie rubbed her thumb over the flat of it. “Anyway, it didn’t work. Got too distracted. I think I’m broken.”

Eddie bit her lip and sort of-

Squeezed Stevie’s hand.

Stevie had never seen her look so serious before.

“I don’t think you’re broken,” Eddie replied, unaware that Stevie knew she wasn’t. God, she really was not broken. “Maybe you just need to change things up.”

Oh.

Stevie bit her own tongue, heart racing again. That was normal. Stevie always struggled to talk about sex.

“Like…what? A new fantasy?” Please, no. Do not go there. Pack it neatly back into its box in your brain and shove it away. “Or- or maybe I could- maybe I just need to use it the way it’s intended to be used.”

She hoped Eddie understood what she meant.

There was a switch then.

Stevie had never been on the other side of it but she’d seen it when Eddie talked to the girls in their dorm.

Certain girls.

Her eyebrows rose and she smiled at Stevie. It was softer, more subtle than usual.

Her thumb kept moving. Slow slow slow.

“Are you trying to get me to download that app, Stevie?” Eddie asked slyly.

Stevie didn’t have time to panic.

“I mean- we’re- yeah? I don’t know. We’re friends, right? And asking Robin would be- it would be weird. It doesn’t have to be weird. Just- I’m having trouble with it and I trust you to-“

“To take care of you?” Eddie asked, finally pulling her hand away. She made it sound casual. It felt like the complete opposite. Stevie felt like she might pass out soon. “Yeah, I can do that. Show me what to download, we’ll try it sometime. At your discretion. Just let me know.”

Simple as that.

How could Eddie treat things like this like they didn’t even matter? Like she did this every day.

Maybe she did.

Stevie swallowed her own guilt at lying, not knowing why she’d done it in the first place.

At your discretion.

Samantha’s mean words echoed in her head. A warning, probably. She gave Eddie the app anyway.

—

Tomorrow came.

Stevie knew what she wanted to do. She just didn’t know if she had the balls to do it, that was all. And not to mention, she was kind of having a mental breakdown at the moment. Was that possible? To have a mental breakdown while also feeling so calm at the same time?

Surely she was just…

Waiting for it to happen.

Waiting to freak out over everyone’s assumptions about her. It wasn’t fair. They were making broad strokes without even seeing the full painting. No, Stevie knew who she was.

Or she’d known who she was before college. Then she’d gotten here and…everything else seemed to flow down the drain. Her avoidance of her moms wishes had only seemed to drive Stevie further from the point. She was lost, really. And too scared to ask anybody for help.

She didn’t want to talk about it. Any of it.

So, she didn’t.

Instead, she decided to follow her gut. She knew who she was, what she liked. She did.

This chapter of her life was just confusing. That was it, confusing. She would look back on it someday and laugh. In her big house with her fenced in yard and her Labrador and her kids and-

The perfect picture was starting to become a little warped. No need to think about the future then. That was fine, she could just avoid thinking about it for now. She was young and dumb and- and that was the thing, right? When you’re young, you can make mistakes. Do stupid shit, make bad decisions.

She wasn’t sure if this qualified as a bad decision or not.

But it was the weekend. She didn’t have class.

Eddie had gone to breakfast already and come back to the dorm.

All she had asked was, “So when do you wanna go to the library?” And it was like a sleeper agent had been activated in Stevie’s brain. She was possessed, that must have been it. Because that would be the only explanation for the following events.

Stevie had smiled at Eddie, acting as if she hadn’t already curled her hair and done her skincare and put an entire outfit on. Just to go study in the library.

The outfit was even worse.

It wasn’t- well, it wasn’t in her comfort zone. Stevie’s skirt was shorter than she normally went for. Something that was a little risqué for her long legs. The shirt was fine, the shoes were comfy.

It was what was underneath.

She really had no good excuse for wearing the panties she bought at that sex shop. Actually, no. She was testing them out. They were new, right? And Stevie had washed them. She wanted to make sure they didn’t shrink too much.

Fine. All of that, she could explain.

What she couldn’t explain was the way she stood up and sashayed past Eddie, delving into her dresser as she spoke.

“Yeah, we can go in a minute,” Stevie’s heart thundered as she pulled the small toy out of her dresser and slipped it into the pocket of her hoodie. “Just give me a second to freshen up.”

She knew Eddie saw. She had to have seen.

Stevie wasn’t being subtle.

It was confirmed once Stevie turned around, a sick glee pooling in her gut as Eddie stood there. Gobsmacked, mouth slightly open as Stevie brushed past her and into the bathroom.

This wasn’t okay, was it?

It was fine. She wanted to do it. She wanted to do something for herself for once.

“You can head out, I’ll meet you there.”

Stevie rushed into the bathroom, prepared to ignore any and all thoughts that followed.

—

The walk to the library was mildly humiliating, if only for the spark that kept igniting in Stevie every time she so much as took one step.

She’d given Eddie the app.

But she had no clue if Eddie had even downloaded it. At least she hadn’t stuck around inside the dorm, there was that. Stevie would have been mortified if Eddie hadn’t listened.

But she had.

Stevie made her way into the silent library, eyes roving over to see if she could find Eddie. Upstairs. She was probably upstairs.

And yeah, the walk upstairs wasn’t fun.

Stevie was sensitive. She realized that now. At least the stupid thing wasn’t on. Yet. The walk was short, thankfully.

Eddie sat…

On a couch. Near other students.

Oh.

There was a girl next to her, someone Eddie must have known. Stevie wondered if the girl had just sidled up to Eddie, if she’d seen her sitting there and just had to say hi.

It annoyed Stevie, she couldn’t lie.

But oh well, the couch across from them was free.

Stevie could do this.

She carried her laptop and a book, as if she was planning on using either of them. God, she actually did kind of need to study. Somehow this felt more important.

Stevie sat down just as Eddie looked up.

Was she red in the face?

Did she look nervous? Excited? Embarrassed?

She was all three.

Sitting down pushed the toy against her g-spot, that special place inside her. She’d never realized it was like this, so sensitive to any stimulation that Stevie was having a hard time even sitting. She crossed her legs, careful to still be polite.

No need to flash a random girl.

Steve didn’t look at Eddie. No, not even as she opened her book to a random page. Not even as she bit at the end of her highlighter. She wasn’t using it, not today.

She tried to not listen to the other two girl’s conversation. It was none of her business. Stevie always thought so, didn’t she?

She just needed a distraction. She just needed something to keep her mind off of-

It happened too fast.

One second, Stevie was vaguely turned on. Full with something pressing up inside her cunt. Panties already wet with lube and- and other stuff.

She barely covered her noise with a cough, the toy firing up in seconds. The buzz was too strong, stronger than Stevie had allowed it to be the first time she used it. Her thighs squeezed together and she bit down on the end of her pen. It was intense and too soon and too much, heat fusing between her legs and making her ache immediately.

Fuck. Fucking hell.

It stopped a second later.

Only to slowly rise, a buzz that made Stevie want to move her hips. Grind into it, away from it. Anything. She wanted to move but she knew she couldn’t.

“Bless you,” The girl across the room said, voice devoid of snark. She wasn’t even being rude. Stevie hadn’t even sneezed.

She regretted looking up.

Eddie was watching Stevie like a hawk.

Sat just the same, devoid of reaction. But her phone was right there, angled away from this other girl. And her thumb was hovering, waiting-

Stevie nodded at the girl, hoping her expression wasn’t pained. God, it was probably obvious that she was drenched down there. That she didn’t know what to do.

The buzz was intense this time, decreasing only to go back up. Once, twice, three times.

Stevie was going to cry. Actually. Her eyes were tearing up and she was staring at words in a book, wishing she could touch herself. Just a little. One hand in her lap, snaking up her skirt. Pressing against her pretty black panties.

Would Eddie watch?

Her eyes nearly rolled back the fourth time.

Just for Eddie to stop entirely.

God. What were they talking about? Some music test? Something? Stevie couldn’t hear them clearly. She reshuffled her legs, less careful with her skirt this time. Oh well, if the girl saw anything, that was on her. Stevie didn’t really care anymore. She couldn’t think, she couldn’t-

“I’ll catch you later.”

The girl nodded at Stevie as she left. Completely clueless.

The toy turned back on just as she rounded the corner.

Stevie’s head hit the back of the couch, a moan leaking out before she could catch it. The tiniest noise ever, really.

Eddie looked different now.

Ravenous, even if the word sounded so stupid to Stevie. She was slumped there, legs spread. Stupid black jeans baggy as ever. One hand on her thigh, the other holding her phone. Her tongue poking at the corner of her mouth, eyes trained on Steve’s lap.

Like she could see.

Like she wanted to see.

Stevie let her hips twitch. Just a little, just a little. Something, anything. She needed more, this speed wasn’t enough.

It really wasn’t enough.

Eddie took a deep breath, glancing at her phone. Swiping her thumb over something. The toy buzzed a little harder and Stevie shook, unable to stop her hips this time. It was impossible, she was going to burst. This was worse than when she was alone.

So much worse. So much better.

Eddie was biting her other thumb now, supremely distracted.

Stevie just needed a little more.

She uttered one word. A simple ‘please.’

Barely audible.

The toy kicked up a notch and Stevie could no longer hold on. It was impossible, the toy was pressed to her clit and her g-spot. Buzzing hard, almost audible but not quite. She was too wet, she knew she was. And it only got worse as she came. She clamped her legs shut and moaned a little louder, clapping a hand to her mouth with a shocked giggle. Oh god, oh no. She was cumming and she- she couldn’t stop it. She couldn’t- her eyes slipped shut and she tried to calm down, despite how good it felt.

It’s okay. She was-

Fuck, she felt good. Better than she had when she got off with Eddie asleep. Better because Eddie was causing it this time. Eddie was in control.

Stevie’s eyes peaked open as she squeezed her thighs around the toy, almost wanting to pull it out of her. Too sensitive.

Another part of her just wanted to do it all again.

Eddie stared at her, eyes hooded and full of a lust that Stevie had never seen directed at her before. Not from anyone important.

“Study room,” Eddie said, voice pitching low and quiet. She jerked her head toward one of the many study rooms off to the side. Just a few steps away. “Now.”

Oh. Oh fuck.

Stevie moved quickly, possessed by something else entirely. She had to listen, had to go in there and-

And what?

Eddie answered that for her, using her hands to gently push Stevie into the room. Stevie had never been in one before. It was boring, really. A long table and plenty of chairs and- oh. Oh.

Eddie put her hands to Stevie’s hips and pushed her against the table, pressing until she got the hint and-

And jumped onto the table, planting her ass right at the very edge.

“You’re a little fucking liar.”

Oh God.

What?

“What do you mean?” Stevie asked, too distracted by the way Eddie parted her thighs. The way she leaned close to Stevie. Still so ravenous, excited. Stevie had never had this much attention focused on her. And certainly not from a girl.

Lie? Did she lie?

“I know you lied,” Eddie said, voice dipping condescendingly as her hands rested against bare thighs. She skirted them up and Stevie spread her legs more. More and more, as if she only wanted Eddie to touch her more. “I heard you. You realize I heard you, right? Cumming all over yourself while I sleep a few feet away. You lied to me.”

Stevie flushed, both horny and incredibly confused.

“Are you mad at me?” She asked, unsure if Eddie was upset or not. Eddie laughed, breathless and unbelieving.

“I could not be less mad about a string of events in- I just wanna look. I just- I just wanna see.”

Oh. Okay, okay, that was fine. That was okay.

God, Stevie wanted her to see. She wanted Eddie to look at what she’d done, even if the thought made Stevie nervous. Like jelly-legged and butterflies in the stomach nervous.

“Uh huh,” Stevie moaned, legs parting even further. As if they could. She rested her hands behind her, effectively spread out for Eddie. The skirt fell neatly between her thighs and Eddie just- just pushed it up more. “You can, you can. Look, please.”

Eddie made a pained noise at the sight of her panties.

“Remember what you told me?” Eddie asked, fingers trailing up as Stevie’s chest heaved up and down. She was shaking all over, adrenaline spiking. She shook her head. She couldn’t remember anything right now. “Some guy pushing his hand up your skirt, touching you?”

Eddie was so close now, fingers creeping right over the top of her panties. Pulling at them.

Stevie lifted her hips and let it happen.

“Putting you on a counter, a desk, a table. Anything. Spreading your legs,” Stevie moaned as Eddie leaned down to pull her panties off one leg. Pulling them over one sneaker. She let them hang from the other ankle, a slutty detail that Stevie couldn’t focus on right now. She had more important things going on. “You think his hands would have felt good?”

Yes. No.

Eddie looked right at her cunt, eyes shadowed like she was looking at- at some piece of great art. Stevie couldn’t even feel embarrassed.

She just wanted-

The first touch was the ghost of one.

Lingering over the edge of the toy, gripping it and pulling. Stevie gasped as it slipped free, the noise wet in the silence of the study room. It was gross, kind of. And not at all. The grossness made it better.

Stevie hadn’t answered the question.

“Those guys don’t even like stuff like this,” Eddie said, voice rough now. “They hate anything else giving you pleasure. They don’t get it.”

Eddie did it then, laid the toy aside. Stevie couldn’t even protest. No. Because in the next second, she brushed her thumb over Stevie’s clit. She rested her palm warm over Stevie’s mound and just rubbed over it.

“Oh my god,” Stevie moaned, hips twitching with need.

“They don’t want to spend time on you,” Eddie said, sounding reverent as she brushed Stevie’s clit over and over again. Soft. Almost too soft. “They don’t want to play with you.”

Play. Fucking hell.

“Is that what you’re doing?” Stevie rasped, nipples so hard they could cut glass. She wanted to touch those too but she didn’t dare. “Playing with me? Like- like I’m the toy?”

Eddie smiled at her, all the softness leaking into her lips. Upturned and oddly sweet. Filthy too, Stevie couldn’t forget that part.

“You could never just be the toy,” Eddie whispered, fingers dipping low to rub over where Stevie was wet. Leaking. “If I wanted to play with you, I’d ask. Can I? Can I finger you? Like your fantasy?”

Stevie felt goosebumps break out on her arms, her legs. Everywhere.

She didn’t answer.

She only reached down, wrapped her fingers around Eddie wrist. The hand without rings todays. She kept eye contact as she held on, pushing until- until two of Eddie’s fingers began to sink into her.

Eddie was so close.

“Feels good,” Stevie muttered, trying hard to not make this weird. Eddie curled her fingers softly, resistance limiting her. Stevie could feel the warmth inside her spread. She was so wet, dripping between Eddie’s fingers now. “Better than a toy.”

Eddie laughed softly enough that Stevie wasn’t offended.

Hell, maybe she would have liked for Eddie to laugh in a mean way.

“You don’t have to lie,” Eddie pulled her fingers out a minuscule amount, pushing them back in. It was leisurely, her eyes drifting down to watch. “I love toys. That’s kind of my thing, you know? Got a lot of them, don’t use them much.”

Stevie was going to cry. Or burst again.

Eddie’s fingers really did feel better than the toy. Maybe it was the warmth, maybe it was the fact that they were attached to another person.

Maybe maybe maybe.

Stevie couldn’t think anymore.

“Why not?” Stevie managed to ask, trying to not look at Eddie’s lips. She hadn’t kissed Stevie. It made sense.

“No one I wanted to try them on before,” Eddie admitted. As if she hadn’t already kind of told Stevie that before. Stevie was going to lose it if she didn’t stop watching her fingers fucking carefully into her cunt. It was hot. It was way too hot. “But you know, that’s probably changed.”

Stevie pushed her hips down. More, she needed more. She moaned louder as Eddie fucked her fingers into her. Because that’s what this was. An imitation of Stevie being fucked. It only made her imagine all the other things Eddie could fuck her with.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

She couldn’t talk. How was she even getting words out anymore? She was hot all over. She felt like-

“Because I want to do so much to you. All you do is try to turn me on. Constantly. In your stupid little skirts and your pretty hair and- all I want to do is make you feel good.”

Stevie was so close. Eddie curled her fingers and pressed them against that spot inside her, moving them over it in circles. It lit her up from the inside, gasps falling out past moans as she tried not to be too loud.

“I don’t- I don’t do it on purpose.”

Eddie leaned closer, free hand resting on the table.

“Yeah, you kind of do,” Eddie noted, gaze slipping to Stevie’s lips. “You always do. Even now, you’re doing it.”

Stevie didn’t mean to cum this time, she really didn’t. It wasn’t on purpose. Just- the way Eddie was looking at her, the way she was rubbing her hand up against Stevie’s clit as she fingered her. The look in her eyes. All of it.

She came harder than ever, thighs shaking as Eddie pushed one leg down. Stevie couldn’t clamp them shut like this, she could only take.

She could only allow Eddie to continue fingering her, movements slowing as Stevie’s cunt tightened and clenched. Too much, her clit was throbbing from the attention. She felt like her world was going to come crashing down at any second but she was pushing it all away.

This wasn’t a big deal.

Friends. Friends did shit like this all the time.

“There,” Eddie said, sighing heavily as she pulled her fingers free. Stevie watched in awe as she lifted them to her mouth and licked them. Fuck. What the fuck? “Now you know.”

What did that mean?

Stevie couldn’t ask, not with her legs still spread. Still exposed to Eddie, to the chill in the study room. Her toy sat embarrassingly to the side.

When you’re young, you make bad decisions.

Someone knocked on the door before Stevie could even try to kiss Eddie.

That was probably for the best.

Chapter Text

Stevie was pretty sure her legs were made of jelly.

Her brain too.

Which explained why she was so out of it once her and Eddie were interrupted. Eddie kept her calm, calling out to the person behind the door as if she wasn’t helping Stevie pull her panties back in place. As if she wasn’t putting back together the pieces she’d just pulled apart. Stevie felt as though her entire being had gone offline.

And there Eddie was, still taking care of her.

All Stevie wanted to do was kiss her.

She was too nervous to though, too distracted by the way Eddie had fell silent. She was gentle with Stevie, helping her hop off the table and smoothing her skirt back out for her. Nothing particularly nervous or anxious to her actions.

But.

She wouldn’t say anything.

Not even as she held Stevie by the wrist and pulled her from the study room. No one was waiting on the other side, obviously not too keen to see whatever might have been beyond the locked study room door. Stevie couldn’t blame them.

Eddie dropped her wrist as soon as they were outside, clearing her throat awkwardly as she turned to Stevie.

She’d barely opened her mouth when Stevie panicked.

“I can go to Robin’s room, if you want.”

She wasn’t expecting Eddie to look so confused. Right, she wasn’t conveying her thought process well enough.

“I meant- like, if you’re uncomfortable. I can go stay with Robin for….a bit. If that’s-“ Stevie didn’t get to finish her sentence.

“God no,” Eddie said rather empathetically. “No, I was gonna ask if you’re okay to walk. You look a little…unsteady.”

Stevie was so sure that she couldn’t blush any more.

“I’m- yeah, I’ll be fine. Why? Are you leaving?”

God, why did she sound so needy?

Stevie wanted to take the embarrassing words back the moment she uttered them. She sounded desperate, that was the worst part. But her brain was still a little foggy from doing something so risky. Surely Eddie couldn’t blame her for being out of it.

“No, I figured maybe we could go put a movie on,” Eddie said with a soft little smile. “If that’s okay with you, of course. I know you’ve gotta be tired after…all of that.”

Stevie wasn’t tired at all.

“I’d like that,” she replied, her heart stuck in her throat for some reason.

Would she ever be able to have a normal reaction? To anything?

Eddie held her hand the entire way back to their dorm, only letting go once they made their way into the building. Stevie wasn’t quite sure why it made her feel so odd.

--

Stevie was just happy that Eddie chose a movie for the two of them. Some sort of old comedy movie with pirates and a lost princess or something. It was funny, even if Stevie’s eyelids were growing heavier by the second. They sat with their backs to the wall, legs kicked out in front of them. Laptop on the bed in the middle of them, not quite the cuddle session Stevie had expected. But that would have been weird, right? That would have just been pushing things a little too far.

This was fine, this was okay.

Stevie only wanted to be around someone. Especially after taking such a huge step and doing something like…like what they’d done in the library. Stevie still couldn’t believe she’d done it either. Did it count? Just…it wasn’t with a guy. So did it count? The thought made her kind of sick to her stomach, something she knew she shouldn’t voice out loud. Eddie was a real life person, not just an idea of one. It would be fucked up to ever say something like that that, just because Eddie was a girl.

Still. Stevie felt weird.

Like she was on the precipice of a mental breakdown. Like it was going to start raining any day now and she didn’t have an umbrella. What a stupid analogy. God, she wasn’t even smart enough to come up with a good enough analogy for…for what?

How she was using Eddie?

But Eddie seemed fine with it, that was the main thing keeping Stevie from freaking out. Eddie did this all the time, didn’t she? Fooled around with girls. Kept it casual. She’d said so herself.

Stevie was just another girl on that list.

The least she could do was keep things from getting too awkward.

So, she lay next to Eddie and watched the movie she put on for them, secretly wishing to reach over and hold Eddie’s hand. Play with the rings on her fingers. Let herself drift off on Eddie’s bed.

Fate had other plans, as it always did.

Stevie hated to see Eddie go but she had to pee, apparently. She laughed heartily at how grumpy it made Stevie. It didn’t, Stevie was fine. She wasn’t nearly that clingy. She could deal with Eddie being gone for a minute.

She was fine.

She didn’t mean to look at Eddie’s phone.

Just. It was sitting right there, right between them, So visible as it lit up with a new notification.

More than one.

Because Eddie wasn’t just on Her. Stevie had to look the app up to even know what it was. But that wasn’t all. She was on tinder too. Eddie was on two dating apps. Two. Maybe more.

Stevie stared at the phone as the backlight started to fade, too scared to actually pick it up. She was on her side, knees scrunched to her chest. Heart beating far too hard.

She shouldn’t have looked. Though she hadn’t, really, had she? It had lit up on its on. Eddie had left it in Stevie’s line of sight.

And the worst part was…

Well, Stevie was right. She’d been right, hadn’t she? Stevie wasn’t the only girl on Eddie’s list. And that was a horrible thought to have, wasn’t it? That she was just a bullet point and Eddie had already crossed her off and now she was just doing Stevie the pleasantry of being her friend. Because they were friends, weren’t they? They were that much, at least.

At least?

What the fuck did that mean?

Stevie didn’t feel good. Eddie was a girl. A girl. They were friends. That was fine, that was good. Stevie needed friends. Eddie was a great friend, even. Stevie needed to push it to the back of her mind and not think about it anymore. Casual. She needed to take a page from Eddies book and stop trying to make something out of nothing.

Her mind was going haywire, she almost didn’t even notice when Eddie returned.

“You okay?” Eddie asked, sounding weirdly worried.

Stevie. Be good, behave, don’t act like this.

“I’m great,” Stevie smiled convincingly enough in the dark. “You gonna start it back up?”

She needed the distraction of the movie.

Especially if Eddie wasn’t going to cuddle her.

--

Stevie woke to the sun filtering through their thin curtains, her eyes sandy and dry as she peeked them open.

It took her about ten seconds to realize she was alone. It took around five more for her to realize she had definitely fallen asleep in Eddie’s bed.

And Eddie was nowhere to be found.

Stevie frowned as she sat up, rubbing at her eyes and face. God, she felt hungover somehow. Had they finished the movie last night? She couldn’t remember an ending. She couldn’t even remember a middle.

All she remembered was drifting off slowly as Eddie talked to her in a soft voice, answering questions Stevie had. She’d become clingy after seeing the various notifications on Eddie’s phone. Luckily she’d also been too nervous to do anything crazy about it. Like kiss Eddie.

No. She was half awake. She didn’t mean that.

Stevie could tell that Eddie hadn’t slept in her own bed and for some reason, that only made her mood worse. Why? Was Stevie that bad to be around? Eddie had no problem putting her hand up Stevie’s skirt, so why couldn’t she-

Slow down.

Deep breath.

She’d slept in Stevie’s bed. It was obvious from the way the pillow had been moved to the end Stevie never slept on.

Okay.

That was fine. She didn’t want to blur the lines. What lines exactly? Stevie wasn’t stupid. She knew what they were doing. She knew. And hey, maybe Eddie had the right idea. Maybe Stevie wasn’t doing this whole thing the right way. Maybe she needed to get out more, meet new people. Meet some guys. She’d really been avoiding them thus far.

—

She wanted to text Robin but a part of Stevie knew that Robin would talk her out of doing anything stupid. She was like that, always mindful to Stevie’s very obvious emotions. Stevie didn’t want to be stopped.

Which was how Stevie ended up downloading tinder.

It wasn’t at all what she expected. Not that she had expected much at all, really.

Guys were so…..ugh.

Like. She didn’t want to cast aspersions on the whole lot of them. Absolutely not. But the guys on tinder? Yeah, she wasn’t a fan. They took bad photos. They had bad pickup lines. They only wanted to talk about her tshirt in her profile photo and how she should ‘try something a little lower cut.’

So far her experiment wasn’t working. And it was an experiment of sorts. Just to see….to see….

To see if she was broken.

Stevie hated thinking of it that way. But she had to look at the facts. She had a hard time getting off alone. She was attracted to her roommate and she wasn’t even….Stevie wasn’t sure of who or what she was.

She just needed to see. That was all.

And what better way than throwing herself in the deep end? She’d done it before. With Eddie. But she was trying not think about that right now. It’d been two days and things had carefully slid back to normal. As if it had never happened in the first place. Sometimes Eddie looked like she wanted to say something but stopped up short.

Stevie mostly just felt sad.

Was she not good? She had thought Eddie had been into it. Into her. And she was so sweet after too. Sweet in a way that no one had ever been toward Stevie. Not like that.

So what had she done to mess things up?

Should she have offered to do the same for Eddie? Was she even ready for that?

Stevie was well aware that she wasn’t thinking clearly. And that was the exact behavior that led her to actually setting up a date with a guy. A guy named Chase. He was alright. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. Real frat boy type. Stevie didn’t even know what her type was but….he was okay to look at, she supposed.

Her mom would have loved him.

Well. Right up until she figured out their first date was to be at a party.

Again. It wasn’t smart. Stevie knew that. Going to a college party alone. And for the first time too. She knew she was doing something unbelievably stupid. Which was why she left a note for Eddie.

‘Going out for the night, might see you in the morning.’

It was mildly passive aggressive but maybe it wouldn’t come across that way. Stevie had no real reason to act up, after all. She just wanted to go out, be appreciated. And Chase had a lot of compliments for her. He didn’t even sound that skeezy either.

—

Stevie hadn’t been to many parties in her day. Even thinking it made her feel old. Embarrassing. Just….her mom wouldn’t let her do a lot of things. Sure, Stevie could have gone behind her back to do them. But she would have found out one way or another. Her mom was good at finding things out.

That was another thing. A deep, clawing thing that wanted to rise out of Stevie. She knew her mother would figure this out eventually. And then what? What was Stevie supposed to do?

Repress it.

She’d worn a cute dress to the party, something flowy around the waist but acceptable for a college setting. It was a dark blue, complimented by her eyeshadow. Stevie wasn’t one to match her makeup to her outfit but…maybe she just wanted to look nice for once.

As if this guy was even gonna notice.

Chase had texted her to meet him outside on the porch. It was raggedy looking, beer bottles spilling out of each corner. People stumbling about, laughing as they tried to keep each other walking in a straight line. It was a shock to Stevie, she’d never been around anything like….this.

Maybe it wasn’t meant for her.

She wished Chase would hurry up but she settled herself to standing around.

And proceeded to wait. And wait. And wait some more.

She was actually considering calling an Uber and leaving soon if this dude didn’t fucking-

“Hey there,” Someone greeted just to her left. Chase. He was even blonder in person. Stevie wasn’t sure if she was into the whole blonde thing or not. He gave her an awkward little wave, his dimples popping. They were odd, she wasn’t sure she liked those either. “You’re way hotter in person, by the way.”

Stevie cringed inwardly and pushed her phone into her tiny purse. Again. It matched the whole outfit.

“Thanks,” Stevie smiled politely and walked closer. At least he looked like his photos. “So…do you know the people throwing this?”

She gestured toward the entryway, light and noise spilling out into the night. She wasn’t really sure what to talk about, honestly. She barely knew this guy. Their conversations hadn’t exactly been loquacious.

Chase just kept smiling at her. It was kind of creepy but kind of not. He just seemed like a happy guy.

“A friend of mine,” He said, again not really offering much for conversation. Stevie wasn’t sure why she was surprised. He hadn’t offered much in his messages either. His clothes were stereotypical. He needed to do his eyebrows. She couldn’t stop staring at his faint unibrow. “You wanna go inside? Go somewhere quiet where we can actually talk?”

She wasn’t even sure why she was so disappointed.

This was the whole point, right? The means to an end. So why did she feel like she was walking to the gallows?

Fuck it.

She needed to grow up.

“Sure,” Stevie smiled, all saccharine plastic as she held her hand out for his. “Let’s go.”

—

Stevie stared at the ceiling, eyes making shapes in the popcorn surface. There was no way she was this bored right now. Seriously. This was supposed to be exciting, wasn’t it?

Chase was between her legs, her little dress hiked up around her hips. He was really sloppy and not in a good way. Was there a good way? She just felt like he was drooling on her. That was all.

It’d been his suggestion to go down on Stevie, right after she’d jerked him off. The experience wasn’t her favorite. It was fine, really. He moaned a little too much for her. She knew it definitely didn’t feel that good, not with the way she kept faltering. She couldn’t keep a good enough pace and her mind kept wandering. He was just as sloppy with kissing but at least he was enthusiastic. She wasn’t a huge fan of joss on her hands but managed to hide a grimace when he handed her a random shirt to clean her hand with.

And then he tried to talk.

Just. Fumbling, awkward dirty talk about how she was so hot, he couldn’t believe he’d bagged someone so hot, someone with such huge tits, etc.

She wasn’t into it.

And she thought she’d be into the whole….pussy eating thing.

So why could she not get into it? It was like her entire body went offline? She kept thinking about other things, kept imagining the library. Kept thinking about how comfortable her dorm room bed was compared to this shady bedroom upstairs in this random house.

“I’m so sorry,” Stevie breathed eventually, tapping him unceremoniously on the head. Chase looked kind of dazed when he pulled away, questioning look in his listless eyes. Poor guy. “This….I don’t think I can do this.”

“Oh,” He said, frowning a bit as he went to sit up. At least he wasn’t getting angry. “Bad breakup? I get it. I should have known, really. I just got out of a-“

“Yep,” Stevie interrupted, feeling kind of bad. The guy was definitely a yapper. “I- bad breakup. That’s it. So I think I’m gonna…call an Uber. Go eat some ice cream and cry in my dorm?”

Guys were scared of crying, weren’t they?

“Oh,” He said again, beginning to sound pretty gormless. Jesus Christ. “Yeah, you should do that. You….you don’t need help with that, do you?”

She smoothed her skirt over her lap as she sat up, inwardly groaning at his lack of tact.

“I can do it alone,” She said, smiling in a sort of brittle way. She was exhausted, she realized. Very abruptly exhausted and worn out and- why had she even done this? What was the point? “But thank you for entertaining me.”

She got up and left before Chase could even put his shirt back on. The color was ugly anyway.

—

Stevie was sad.

Sad in a way that she was sure she’d never been before. It hadn’t worked. It hadn’t worked. All she could think about was Eddie and it hadn’t fucking worked.

What was new?

Stevie was a fuckup, her mom had made that much clear for years now. She loved pointing out her daughters flaws, probably reveled in it. And look how far it’d gotten Stevie? Doing the walk of shame on a Saturday night, making her way back into the dorm in heels that Chase couldn’t even appreciate.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t actually his fault and she knew that.

It was her fault for trying. For being strange and unusual and- that wasn’t fair either. Would she ever call Eddie strange? What about Robin?

Stevie felt sick to her stomach as she made her way back into the dorm, settled for a night of curling up into her bed and crying. Maybe after a shower too. She couldn’t stand the feeling between her thighs, knowing what exactly she’d done.

She didn’t expect for Eddie to be in.

If anything, Stevie thought Eddie would be out entertaining some girl from one of her apps.

But she wasn’t. She was right there on her bed, headphones in as she lay on her stomach and typed on her laptop.

Stevie froze.

Suddenly she wanted to cry even more.

Eddie looked up, her mouth open as Stevie shut the door behind her. The embarrassment crept up on her. Here she was, looking like a whore. Looking like she was trying way too hard, looking like someone who-

“I like the dress,” Eddie said, a little grin on her face as she pulled an earphone out. “It’s cute-“ She squinted up at Stevie in the dim light. “Matches your eyeshadow.”

Stevie felt her bottom lip wobble, tears welling up instantly.

Because of course.

“Oh,” Eddie said, sitting up quickly. Unintentionally mirroring Chase. “Oh my god, are you okay? I wasn’t- I didn’t mean to make you cry. Did I- do you not like the dress?”

“The dress is fine,” Stevie said, voice wobbling horribly as she wiped away two thin trails of tears. Fuck. This was worse than embarrassing. “It’s not that.”

“Is it the heels?” Eddie asked, looking adorably worried. Stevie could not do this right now. She really couldn’t. “Your feet probably hurt. Do you like- do you need me to rub them? I’m probably shit at it but I’ll do it. If it stops you from crying.”

Stevie just felt worse now.

Because she’d been out, she’d tried to sleep with some random guy. And Eddie had just….been here. Stevie couldn’t even do what Eddie did.

“I think- I think I need-“

“A shower?” Eddie asked, finally standing and walking toward Stevie. Stevie had never had anyone worry so much about her. Not like this.

She nodded, not knowing what else to do or say. No words were coming out, despite how her mind seemed to be racing.

Eddie was quick to fumble through her chest of drawers, pulling out a towel of her own and offering it to Stevie.

She really wished Eddie would stop doing things like this. At least then it might be easier.

Stevie took the towel anyway and tried to not make the gesture too symbolic.

—

By the time Stevie made it back into the room, she sort of expected Eddie to be gone. No matter what she said, Stevie was sure no one really wanted to deal with her mopey bullshit.

Eddie was too good of a person to put with her.

But no. Eddie was still there, her blankets bundled up the same as last night. But closer this time, her laptop sat on the chair pulled from Stevie’s nearby desk.

“I just thought you might want to watch a movie,” Eddie said, sitting up on the bed and kicking her feet back in forth. Like a nervous gesture. Stevie’s chest ached, her hair dripping down her back. Her makeup gone, her sweats and ugly t-shirt draping unflatteringly off her body. “We can talk if you want but…but I thought-“

Stevie stepped forward and didn’t stop, climbing onto the bed and pushing Eddie back with one hand until she got the hint. Until Stevie could bend her knees and climb right into her lap.

“Oh,” Eddie said again, sounding more mystified this time around. Distracted. “Is this- are you-?”

“I’m gonna kiss you now,” Stevie whispered, pushing some hair behind Eddie’s ear and leaning in. Eddie looked dazed, only slightly nodding along like she couldn’t believe what was happening. Surely that wasn’t it. Stevie wasn’t that amazing.

As soon as their lips touched, Stevie felt like crying again. It was the worst actually. Because Eddie was sweet and she took over immediately. She held Stevie by her jaw and kissed her soft and slow, barely licking past her lips. Stevie melted, hands finding Eddie’s shoulders in order to hang on. To find some semblance of balance amongst the shifting tide of the bed.

Stevie couldn’t help that she was crying.

Eddie only looked worried again when she pulled away.

Her lips were wet and pink. Pretty.

“Are you okay?” Eddie asked, frowning as she smoothed back a patch of wet hair. Stevie felt and looked soggy, she was sure of it. She didn’t have any right to be. “What happened? Where’d you go tonight? Did something bad happen?”

Stevie didn’t want yo admit anything. She didn’t want to confess anything to Eddie. And yet, as they often did, words came spilling out anyway.

“I went to go see a guy,” Stevie sniffed and reached up to rub her face, accidentally knocking one of Eddie’s hands away. She wanted it back immediately. Eddie rested it against her waist instead. “It didn’t- it didn’t go how I planned.”

Eddie looked as white as a ghost.

“What? What happened?”

Oh. Oh no.

Stevie huffed out a self deprecating laugh.

“It- no, it wasn’t bad like that,” Stevie rushed to say, placating a panic stricken Eddie. “He was fine. But like, that’s just it. He was fine. He went- he went down on me?” Admitting it made her feel awful. Eddie’s expression barely twitched. “And I just….I wanted to leave immediately, so I did. It felt wrong. He wasn’t a dick or anything. It just felt wrong.”

Eddie nodded in understanding.

Stevie wasn’t sure she wanted to talk about it anymore.

“But you’re okay?” Eddie asked, oddly insistent.

Stevie nodded her head but aborted the move halfway.

Was she okay?

“I wish it was- I wish it worked,” She whispered, a secret between the two of them. “It’s like I’m broken and nothing feels good.”

Eddie looked upset now. But not at Stevie, she didn’t think. She hoped Eddie wasn’t upset with her.

“You’re not broken,” She insisted, just like before. “You felt good with me, didn’t you?”

That was kind of the whole problem.

But Stevie nodded anyway, licking her lips and trying not to think about the library. About Eddie putting her on that table and touching her.

“Yeah, you made me feel good,” Stevie admitted. It didn’t matter, they were in their dorm. She could admit it in here. With Eddie. “You make me feel good.”

Eddie looked very….

Concentrated. Dumbfounded, maybe.

“I could fix it,” Eddie suggested, looking only slightly ashamed. Like she hadn’t meant to let that slip out. “I could- I could prove that you aren’t broken. He was probably bad at it.”

Her hands drifted then, fingers dancing over Stevie’s thighs. Soft and distracting.

“How?” Stevie asked, dry mouth proving she already knew the answer.

“I could go down on you,” Eddie said. Her words sounded like sin. Probably because they were. Why was this so much more painful than the library? Why did Stevie feel like her whole world was shattering apart? But she could trust Eddie. If she could trust anyone, she could trust Eddie. “If you….if you thought it might help you figure it out.”

Stevie didn’t need to ask what Eddie meant. She knew, she did. She just didn’t want to say it out loud. Not after her disaster of a night, not after her embarrassing walk of shame.

Her mother was right about her.

Fuck her.

“Yeah,” Stevie sighed, ducking back down to get closer to Eddie. To watch her eyes cross as she tried to focus on Stevie’s lips again. “Kiss me first.”

Eddie listened, kissing Stevie soundly this time. Her arm wrapped around Stevie’s waist, pushing beneath her big shirt as her other hand held Stevie’s jaw. She licked past her lips, drawing a rough groan from Stevie. It felt like a release, like being pulled apart. Like Eddie was making sure Stevie knew she was a better kisser than Chase.

Like she knew how good it felt when she bit softly at Stevie’s tongue. Or how good it felt when her hand met wet hair, fingers pulling slow and gentle at the base of her neck as she angled Stevie’s head and kissed her deeper, somehow. And Stevie clung to her shoulders, arms wrapping tighter as she tried not to do something humiliating. Like grind down against Eddie, like bite Eddie’s lip and whine like a dog.

Eddie pulled back after what felt like several minutes, hands pushing the fabric of Stevie’s shirt up.

“Wanna see you.”

That was fine too, wasn’t it?

This was a haze, this was a dream.

Stevie pulled her shirt off and sat there bare, her breasts bouncing as soon as they were free. Heavy and void of a bra to save them. Eddie looked mystified again.

Like she couldn’t believe any of this was happening. Again again again. Stevie couldn’t imagine that she was anybody’s dream girl.

“Fuck, you’re so lovely,” Eddie said, such a strange word to use. Stevie was sure no one had ever called her such a thing. But Eddie had wandering hands and they were warm as they cupped her, thumbs brushing over hard nipples. Stevie moaned, back arching at the contact. She hadn’t ever realized it could feel that good. “Is this okay?”

God. Yes.

“It’s perfect,” Stevie whined, hoping Eddie would get the hint. She helped her along anyway, a hand in Eddie’s hand to push her forward, to- And Eddie smirked as it hit her, as her mouth opened and she licked carefully over Stevie’s left nipple. It was salacious and dirty and hard to watch. Eddie closed her eyes and sealed her lips and sucked. Stevie felt a current of pleasure go through her, centered around her tits. This wasn’t eating her out, was it?

This was more than that. This was more involved. This was foreplay that she’d never had the opportunity to experience before.

“Y-you’re evil,” Stevie uttered as Eddie laughed, mouth ducking between her breasts to seal against her skin. To suck a bruise between them. Stevie wanted it, she realized. She wanted to look at the mark and remember this night. Especially if it never happened again. “Pure evil.”

Eddie’s teeth grazed her flesh, the hint of pointed canines. Stevie didn’t flinch away, only sinking further into the warmth of being known. How did Eddie know she’d like something that even Stevie didn’t know she’d like?

“You love it,” Eddie whispered, lips brushing against Stevie’s chest. Reading her mind. And then she was pushing Stevie up, guiding her toward the bed. It was easy then, to just fall back and part her legs for Eddie. “Look at you. Surprised there isn’t a wet spot on these sweats.”

Stevie giggled and covered her face with one hand, faintly flipping Eddie off. Whatever. So maybe she was wet.

“Don’t be gross,” She said, cut off by a gasp as Eddie reached for the sweats in question and began to pull at the waistline. Stevie lifted her hips and allowed them to be pulled down, a whine stuck in the back of her throat.

“Fuck,” Eddie cursed, realizing Stevie wasn’t wearing panties. She was clean shaven today. Maybe the landing strip would come later, when she felt more confident. The pants were tossed aside as Eddie pushed her legs open and rested between them. “I forgot how pretty your pussy is.”

Stevie didn’t cringe the way she had with Chase. This was different. This made Stevie burn from the inside out, both hopelessly embarrassed and turned on.

“Shut up,” She uttered, hips wiggling once Eddie sat on her knees between her legs. She was exposed like this, fully naked as Eddie remained clothed. Hands holding her breasts to try to retain some semblance of self preservation. Like it mattered as Eddie stared down at her cunt.

“You’re real wet for someone telling me to shut up.”

There was that too.

Eddie always knew how to get Stevie squirming.

Stevie wanted to be touched.

She just didn’t want to ask for it. So instead, she whined and wiggled her hips in invitation, pouting up at Eddie. As if she might get the hint. Eddie laughed, shuffling down to her stomach.

The first hint of her mouth was electric, lips grazing the inside of one thigh.

Stevie shook beneath her, eyes fluttering shut as she squeezed her tits. Fuck. This was- this was better than before. The room smelled like her and Eddie. The bed was familiar. Eddie smirked at Stevie again as she bit into the meat of her thigh and softly grazed her teeth over sensitive flesh, licking it right after.

“How are you so fucking tan?” Eddie asked, voice hoarse as her hands delved beneath Stevie’s hips and ass. She tugged Stevie closer, lifting her on the bed. It was shocking, something Stevie had never experienced with another person before. She gasped as Eddie breathed over her cunt, mouth so close yet so far. “Like a goddess.”

“Genetics,” Stevie uttered, chest heaving as she tried hard to not just press Eddie’s face in. Closer and closer, she kissed next to Stevie’s pussy. Her lips lingered, her tongue glancing out. “Eddie, please. Please.”

All it took was the begging tone of her voice.

Eddie’s lips pressed firmly to her clit, something like a welcome kiss. Stevie felt a bit hysterical even thinking it. Her thoughts were cleanly wiped away as Eddie licked her, her tongue dancing over Stevie’s clit in tiny bursts. Again and again, laving at it as Stevie-

Oh, Stevie.

She couldn’t really compute what she was feeling, how much better it was from earlier tonight. How she was gushing against Eddie’s tongue as she licked over her hole, her tongue pressing in for just a second.

This was better. This was heaven.

“Oh my god,” Stevie groaned, one hand clutching Eddie’s hair now. She was probably pulling too hard, doing too much. But Eddie seemed fine, moaning as her mouth moved over Stevie’s wet cunt. “That’s- that’s so good, what the fuck?”

She just….she couldn’t believe it could actually feel good. She couldn’t believe that she was throbbing between her legs, mind turned into jelly as Eddie sucked on her clit again and again. She was noisy about it, mouth moving wetly as she ate Stevie out. Normally it would bother Stevie, normally she would maybe be more embarrassed by how wet she was. She couldn’t have those thoughts around Eddie, not when Eddie managed to wipe the slate clean and render Stevie mindless.

“Eddie,” Stevie moaned weakly, legs trying to clamp shut around her head. Eddie only pressed her thighs back open, palms hot like brands as she held Stevie down onto the bed. It was assertive in a way that Eddie rarely showed. A hint of what she was like in bed, willing to pleasure girls however they wanted. Bringing them to the brink and- “You feel so good, you feel so good.”

No. Not other girls. Stevie didn’t want to think about them, didn’t want to imagine why Eddie was so good at this.

Eddie pulled away for just a moment and Stevie whined, fingers flexing in curly hair. Eddie huffed a laugh against Stevie’s thigh, out of breath with a wet chin.

“Calm down,” She playfully chastised Stevie. “Just wanna get some fingers in you.”

Stevie felt her entire body flush at Eddie’s words, spoken roughly into the tender skin of her thigh. Fuck. Right, she’d almost forgotten about that.

Stevie loved how they felt, Eddie’s slim fingers pushing into her. She was wet enough that two felt like nothing, her own fingers finding her nipples and pinching them as she watched Eddie watch her own hand. Why was that so hot? She was so exposed to Eddie, spread apart as Eddie watched her fingers curl into Stevie’s cunt.

“Does that feel good?” Eddie asked, as if she needed to.

“Perfect,” Stevie muttered. Her mishaps from hours ago were gone, replaced by the pure feeling of pleasure as Eddie pressed against the spot inside of Stevie. “Would be better with your mouth.”

Eddie laughed weakly.

“Insatiable,” She whispered, mostly to herself, before ducking her head down again. If Stevie had thought Eddie’s hands had been wonderful, this was above and beyond. She licked over Stevie’s clit in circles, her fingers fucking in and out, in and out. Stevie knew it was gonna happen soon, she didn’t have long.

“Eddie,” Stevie warned, her back arching as she pressed her body closer and closer to Eddie’s mouth and hand. “I’m gonna- oh god, I think I’m gonna cum.”

If she thought Eddie would show her any mercy, she was dead wrong. Eddie only sucked harder, her tongue rubbing insistently against Stevie’s clit. Determined to make her cum.

Stevie felt it then, the pressure breaking through. Better than the toy, better than anything she could do for herself.

Eddie.

It was all Eddie.

Stevie shook through her orgasm, thighs clamping over Eddie as if she had any room at all, as if the poor girl could even get away. Stevie couldn’t help, her body wasn’t her own at the moment. All she could think about was how good it felt, how she felt like her body was bursting into pieces.

And Eddie was still there. Waiting for Stevie to come down, to stop twitching.

She pulled her fingers free and leaned her forehead against Stevie’s thigh, now open and weak. Stevie wasn’t sure when they fell. Her vision was spotty, weirdly enough.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” Eddie said, breathing hard between her legs. “Seriously. I was waiting for you to- and I thought you were mad at me.”

Huh?

Stevie wasn’t fully coherent.

“Why?”

It was all she could ask, brain too scrambled as she lay there. Bare for Eddie still.

“The note you left,” Eddie said, kissing the inside of her thigh as if in apology. “It sounded angry.”

Oh. That.

“You left,” Stevie admitted, as if someone had given her truth serum or something. “After we- you just left, so. I didn’t know-“

“Oh,” Eddie said, popping her head up brightly. Brightly? Why was she smiling? “I left you a note, actually. You didn’t see it? It was uh-“ She got up off the bed and Stevie finally closed her legs, feeling too exposed now that Eddie was gone. Moving around the room. Stevie wanted her to come back immediately. “Here it is!”

She bounded back over after picking a post it note up from the floor, hidden by one of Stevie’a desk legs.

“Must have fell down,” She said, climbing back onto the bed and handing it over to Stevie.

The note read:

‘Gotta rush to class. I hope I see you later tonight, pretty girl. P.s. you drool in your sleep’

Stevie rolled her eyes fondly, cheeks burning now. She did feel quite silly.

But then again, Eddie was here. Laying her head on Stevie’s stomach and letting her pet her hair. Stevie could think about the rest of it later. She could allow reality to sink in at a later date.

“If we watch a movie tonight, will you fall asleep again?” Eddie asked, shrieking as Stevie smacked her atop the head.

Stevie didn’t get to ask if she could return the favor.

Chapter Text

If you asked Stevie how she felt about her latent homosexual attraction, she’d give you a blank look and likely ignore you. It wouldn’t be out of malice, but rather an inner panic so deep that she couldn’t quite muddle her way through her own thoughts.

She wasn’t exactly coping. More….ignoring.

Waking up next to Eddie was…

A very big panic moment for Stevie.

Especially because Eddie was a cuddler. Stevie had known that, of course. They’d cuddled plenty already, a reminder that Stevie didn’t need in the current moment. It was actually embarrassing how touch starved Stevie was, how badly she needed attention. She’d gone after her roommate for attention, hadn’t she? When it hadn’t felt right with a guy, Stevie had come running to the only person who made her feel right.

What would her mother think?

It was all Stevie could focus on. Even as Eddie pressed her face into Stevie’s collarbone and snored lightly, all Stevie could think about was her fucking mom. How she’d react if she knew her youngest daughter was huddled into her dorm bed with another girl, how she’d react if she knew what Stevie had done the night before. Not to mention, Stevie could lose everything. She wasn’t a self sufficient person, unfortunately. No matter how hard she tried to be different, her entire personality hooked onto being a spoiled little rich girl with no discernible intelligence or talent.

Fuck.

And if her mom decided she wasn’t worth it anymore, her father would likely follow along. That would be hilarious, really. Her parents could barely stand each other, it would be funny if this was the one thing that united them. Stevie being a big, gigantic-

“Your heart’s racing,” Eddie grumbled sleepily, rubbing her face over Stevie’s chest. She’d put pajamas on last night. They were too hot now, more than Stevie might usually wear. But she had felt vulnerable after they had….anyway, she wanted to be a little more covered up. Stevie was now realizing that even her most modest pajamas were a bit much. “You okay?”

The fact that Eddie looked worried was…

Kind of gut wrenching, Stevie realized.

She looked shocked that Stevie was even in the same bed as her. Did she expect Stevie to leave in the middle of the night? Did she want Stevie to leave?

“I’m fine,” Stevie lied, shifting and allowing Eddie to slide off of her. She sat up, free of- “Oh. Oh my-“

“Oh, sorry about that,” Eddie grinned sleepily at Stevie, as if this wasn’t the first time Stevie had seen her fully shirtless. Her breasts were smaller than Stevie’s, her nipples bigger than Stevie expected. She loved them, that was the worst part. Stevie had never even had an opinion nor a reaction to men’s nipples before. Jesus Christ, what did that even mean? “I get hot. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

Stevie swallowed roughly, hoping her eyes weren’t too round. That she wasn’t staring too openly. Say something, do something. Make a move, anything. Before the moment slips away and-

“I can put a shirt on,” Eddie said, her smile going soft. She didn’t look hurt but- but Stevie worried she might be. That she might think Stevie was upset about her chest or-

“I like them,” Stevie blurted out, her head kind of fuzzy as she sat up. Eddie slid off the sheets and let out a belly laugh, standing right there at the edge of the bed in her boxer shorts and no shirt. Stevie felt kind of faint. “I just- I didn’t want you to think- I like- oh my god.”

“Babe,” Eddie said fondly, already turning toward her dresser. Stevie already knew she was going to miss the view. The little trail of hair leading down Eddie’s tummy, the veins in her forearms. How dusky her nipples looked. Fuck. “If you think I’m hot, just say that.”

There was something unbelievably attractive about the way Eddie was smirking at Stevie. Just standing there, unashamed of her body. Uncaring. Stevie was gobsmacked.

“You’re hot,” Stevie said, nodding like a fanatic. She was so close to just asking. Why was it so hard to get the words out? Why couldn’t she just ask? “What are you doing today?”

Eddie turned back to her dresser with a sly grin, picking out a shirt and pulling it over her head. It drove Stevie just a little crazy to know she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath it.

“I’ve got a study group that’s supposed to meet up at noon,” Eddie said, picking keys up off her dresser and clicking them to her belt loop. Stevie watched the movement with rabid eyes. Okay, maybe it wasn’t out of her system. “And then, uh. I’ve got another night thingy with the queer alliance?”

The way her statement lilted at the end almost made Stevie feel like Eddie was asking her if she had plans. It was odd. Stevie wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.

“Another movie night?” Stevie asked, slipping over the covers so she could sit on the edge of Eddie’s bed. Her legs were bare, crossed at the ankle. It didn’t take long for Stevie to realize Eddie was looking at them, trained of the long line Stevie’a legs made as she leaned back on her hands. Oh. “Eddie?”

It had been a few seconds.

Eddie shook her head and looked back up, biting her lip as she-

Wow. Stevie had never had someone be so stunned by her presence. Was that what was happening?

“How do you just exist like that?” Eddie asked, eyelids drooping just the smallest amount as she made her way back to the bed. Oh. What? Like what?

“What- what do you mean?” Stevie asked with a frown, quickly sitting up as Eddie came to stand in front of her. She felt awkward as Eddie stopped, a hand reaching out to-

To touch her fingers to Stevie’s jaw, sliding up and cupping her face with a gentle hand. To say that Stevie melted was an understatement.

“You’re unreal,” Eddie murmured, still smiling at Stevie like there was something she was missing. If it were anyone else, Stevie might assume she was being made fun of. But Eddie wouldn’t do that. “Literally a goddess. How can you just wake up and look perfect? The audacity.”

Stevie didn’t believe her but it wasn’t like she was going to say anything. Worse still, Stevie couldn’t really think when Eddie touched her. Soft and reverent, seemingly distracted.

“You’re just trying to flatter me so you can fuck me again,” Surely Stevie hadn’t just said that out loud. But it made Eddie laugh. Very suddenly, as if she didn’t expect the joke either.

She leaned down into Stevie’s space, hand cupping her jaw almost as if to pull Stevie closer.

“I haven’t even fucked you yet, silly.”

Stevie was holding her breath, hoping for more. A kiss she was too scared to initiate, maybe. But oh my god, why would Eddie say that? So blatantly?

“You’re being mean,” She pouted back at Eddie, a completely genuine reaction. She wasn’t even playing it up. Eddie got ever closer, lips pressing against Stevie’s forehead with the softest laugh. “Don’t be mean. You can’t be mean to me just because I’m a virgin.”

Eddie stood back up, groaning a little and rubbing her eyes. What? What had Stevie said?

“Gotta stop reminding me about that,” Eddie said absentmindedly. “And you gotta let me leave before I-“

“Before what?” Stevie asked, quirking a smile at Eddie. These were the spare moments where she felt more confident than the fucking Sun. As if that made any sense at all. She was jumbled, heart racing as Eddie pulled away. Stevie wanted her to stay.

“Before I do more to you,” Eddie said, pulling out her phone and checking the time. “We’re uh…we’re leaving at like eight tonight, if that’s cool with you. Not a movie night. They want to go out to a local gay bar, have some fun. Gotta be back by curfew but…I don’t know, we don’t have to go if you don’t want-“

“No!” Stevie cut in quickly, knowing that if she didn’t go, Eddie would likely go alone. Somehow, the thought of Eddie in a gay club without Stevie by her side was….not Stevie’s favorite idea in the world. “No, I can totally go. Absolutely. I’d love to. What should I wear? What’s the dress code?”

Eddie didn’t make fun of her for so anxiously asking.

“Wear something slutty,” She answered, clearly a joke. “It’s leather night.”

Little did she know, she was dealing with Stevie.

—

Stevie’s high didn’t last very long.

She had a study session with Robin that she knew she couldn’t miss. And that was fine, Stevie loved hanging out with Robin. She was supposed to walk to her dorm this time but-

Well, Stevie’s mom always had the worst timing possible.

Their conversation was short. Partially because Stevie was an expert at coming up with excuses to get off the phone with her mom. It was just…full of stuff about the church, stuff about Stevie’s dad, trying to glean any type of gossip from her daughter that she could. As if Stevie was close to her father at all.

It had quickly turned into talking about Stevie’s sister. So that was about as much as she could take, using the excuse of a broken signal to finally get her mom off the phone. Stevie didn’t need to think about her mom or her father or their thinly veiled disappointment in her. Or how upset they would be if they knew what she was getting up to at college. She wanted to call her father and beg him to get her mom to leave her alone. But that was unlikely to work, as her father was a mostly absent figure in her life. He didn’t want to talk to Stevie’s mom even more than Stevie did.

Stevie didn’t want to think at all.

Studying would be good for that.

If only Robin weren’t so perceptive.

“What’s up with the raincloud?” She asked as soon as Stevie slid into her room, shoulders slumped under the weight of her messenger bag. And guilt too. That probably wasn’t helping. “Something bad happen?”

Stevie sighed and shut Robin’s door, dragging her feet like a child as she made her way inside. She was used to Robin’s room by now.

“Had a weird week,” Stevie tried to brush the concern off. It wouldn’t work, it rarely did. Robin was pushy when she needed to be. But never too much. “Just…are you going out with the queer alliance tonight?”

Robin looked surprised that Steve even asked. She felt silly asking, really. But maybe if Robin went, Stevie wouldn’t fee so out of place.

“Oh,” She said, brows raising as she sat up in her bed. Her laptop was open before her and Stevie only felt a little bad about distracting her friend from her studies. Robin was a better student than her, that was for sure. “Yeah, I was. How did you know?”

Sticky situation you’ve gotten yourself into, Stevie.

She wanted to tell Robin. She really really did. About everything that had happened in such a small window of time. Eddie, fooling around with Eddie, having a gigantic gay crisis. All of it.

“Eddie,” Stevie explained with a stiff smile, dropping her bag and falling into the chair by Robin’s desk. “She uh…mentioned it. Said it was leather night, asked if I wanted to go.”

Robin had that look on her face again. Uh oh.

“Did she now?” Robin mumbled. “You should totally go. In fact, you could help me with an outfit. If you want. I’m not really…”

Robin gestured down to her clothes.

“As fashionably inclined as you,” Robin snorted softly, moving right past the subject of Eddie. Stevie felt relief like no other. She wanted to tell Robin all about what her and Eddie had done. She just wasn’t sure how to tell her. “Or at all.”

Stevie had never appreciated a more obvious distraction as much as she did this one.

“I could totally help you with that,” Stevie smiled, resigned to studying for however long. She didn’t mind, not if Robin was giving her the grace to keep some secrets for the time being.

—

Stevie missed getting ready with other girls.

Robin wasn’t as inclined toward makeup as Stevie was but that was perfectly fine. She seemed to have fun just the same, giggling as Stevie attempted to apply eyeliner to her rapidly blinking eyelids.

They’d made their way to Stevie’s dorm, determined to find something for Robin to wear. They stuck with a simple pair of baggy jeans Robin already owned and a shirt Stevie had scrounged up. It wasn’t exactly leather but it was black and shiny and not too revealing, perfect for Robin.

Stevie’s outfit was…

Cute wasn’t the word.

Her skirt was far too short, too flouncy. It was a soft pink, just how she liked. Her top was black too, just much more cropped than the one she’d lended to Robin. One of the only crop tops Stevie owned, with short little sleeves and a silver heart on the front. It was simple and cute enough that she didn’t feel too overdressed. There was no real element of leather to her outfit though, so she hoped she wouldn’t get turned away.

“What’s going on here?” Someone asked from the doorway, garnering both Robin and Stevie’s attention. Eddie. She wasn’t dressed yet, of course. She’d only just gotten back to the dorm. Stevie sat across from Robin, eyeliner in hand as she tried her best to make Robin look ‘dirty hot’ as she had so kindly put it.

“Just doing some eyeliner for Robin,” Stevie greeted Eddie, feeling quite happier than she had earlier in the day after her terrible phonecall. Stevie was too far away from it now, too focused on having fun with her new friends. “And then I’m gonna finish getting ready.”

She didn’t have much else to do. Maybe throw some perfume on, make sure her own eyeliner wasn’t too messy. That was it.

“Hey, Eddie,” Robin said, waving an unsure hand in the air. Eddie didn’t look upset as she made her way inside, falling into her own bed with a dramatic sigh. Dork. “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Robin was just asking but…

Eddie gasped even more dramatically, sprinting up into a sitting position as Stevie repressed a smile of amusement. She set about putting her makeup away, making sure no one could see how much she was grinning.

“What does that mean? Is it not good enough?” Eddie asked, already on a rant. Robin stared with huge eyes, perhaps unaware that Eddie was one hundred percent joking. “I’m sorry we can’t all be lovely women like you and Stevie over there. I’m simply a trash panda, I can’t fathom ever being so beautiful or-“

“Oh my god,” Stevie snorted, face heating for a moment. Not in front of Robin, Stevie. “Stop putting on a show and get dressed. Do you want any liner?”

Eddie let her hand flop back down, rolling her eyes fondly as Robin waffled between the two of them.

“I do, yes,” She agreed. It made sense, Eddie wore eyeliner plenty of times. It was just way messier than Stevie ever witnessed. She tossed Eddie her pencil and nearly hit her in the eye. “Hey, that’s not leather. Although I’m glad you followed my advice.”

Shut up, Eddie. Definitely not in front of Robin.

“What advice?” Robin asked with a frown.

Stevie squeaked out a simple, “Nothing,” before turning back to Eddie. “I’m aware. I don’t really own anything that fits the description, so. Unless you’re gonna help me out-“

“Oh, I’ve got the perfect thing for you,” Eddie grinned wickedly. It was enough to make Stevie slightly nervous. What exactly did she mean by perfect?

—

Stevie stared at herself in the mirror, Eddie crowded up behind her. Robin had a phonecall from a friend, so. Stevie was alone with Eddie for the time being, a dangerous situation.

“How’s it look?” Stevie asked, knowing damn well how good she looked. The perfect item Eddie had in her collection was none other than a harness. Stevie had never worn one before, although she knew they were just a part of some people’s daily fashion. She would never have been so brave before, of course. This one was cute and understated, crossing over her breasts and gripping her waist to make it look smaller. She liked it a lot.

“Fucking hot,” Eddie grinned, hooking her chin over Stevie’s shoulder. Her eyes stood out with black kohl around them. Stevie was kind of mesmerized by them. “Jesus, I kind of don’t want to take you at all.”

Stevie blushed, her heart kicking up a notch as Eddie’s fingers plucked at the shoulder straps.

She still wasn’t dressed.

“You need to- oh god, don’t start,” Stevie moaned as Eddie went to kiss her neck, arms wrapping snugly around Stevie’s waist for a moment. “You need to get dressed.”

She really didn’t need Eddie kissing her neck when Robin was likely to return at any moment.

“No?” Eddie asked, doing it anyway. Stevie shivered against her, hands reaching up to grip Eddie’s forearms and gently pry them off of her. It was hard to do but….yeah, it needed to be done. “Fine, fine. Shoo, let me put my clothes on. I’m indecent.”

She really was.

Not because of her clothing.

Stevie laughed and ducked out of the bathroom, only to find that Robin had returned. She was lounging on Stevie’s bed, legs crossed at the ankle. Eyebrows up, as if to say “Well well well, what do we have here?”

Stevie went bright red and tried to deflect as fast as she could.

“Are you- do you know anyone coming tonight?” Stevie asked, partially curious and partially just trying to make conversation. Please, Robin. Please don’t mention this.

“I do,” Robin said with a sigh. Stevie fidgeted where she stood, unsure where to go now. “Oh my god, stop acting like I’m gonna burn you. Sit down.”

Stevie did just that, sitting next to Robin on her own bed, head bowed with renewed guilt. Robin hadn’t even said anything yet.

“Stevie,” Robin began slowly, tentatively. Like maybe she didn’t want to be too harsh. “Is this….you don’t have to tell my anything but…I’m not blind. There’s something going on between the two of you, right?”

She whispered the words to Stevie like a secret.

Fuck.

Stevie swallowed roughly and looked up, shrugging carefully before deciding to just give in. Fuck it. It was obviously clear that Stevie- and she would have to see so many people tonight. Samantha might even be there, so. Stevie was screwed either way.

“Some stuff may have happened,” Stevie confessed, feeling a lot like she was going to be judged. “And look- I know it’s not- it’s not a good look, okay? It’s risky and dumb and- and I’m not even sure who I am, not yet. But-“

“Why are you so sure I’m gonna disapprove?” Robin asked, eyebrows furrowed like she was the confused one.

Good question.

“I don’t like disappointing people,” Stevie admitted softly, darting her gaze toward the bathroom. “And I- I don’t know, I’ve spent a long time not doing anything, really. Nothing bad, nothing stupid. I’m tired. It’s like my mom just looms over my shoulder and I can’t even- I just want to see. That’s all.”

The sympathy on Robin’s face was almost too much for Stevie.

“It’s okay if you’re not ready for….certain things,” Robin said, thankfully not going further. Stevie really didn’t want to have a panic attack right now. “I just want to make sure you’re being safe. The both of you. And I don’t mean with sex.”

Ugh.

Stevie was too hot now, embarrassed to be talking about something so intimate. She wasn’t used to it, not at all.

“I know,” Stevie agreed. “But- but we’re both adults, right? I have ways of protecting myself-“ Being emotionally unavailable counted, didn’t it? “And I’m sure Eddie does too. I’m just a girl on her long list of girls, Robin. I promise I wouldn’t hurt her. I’d stop things before they even got to that point.”

If that was true, why did it feel like Stevie was blatantly lying?

“I know,” Robin agreed, still looking unsure. “You’re an adult, you’re right. I can’t stop you. Im not sure I would, anyway. You’re allowed to….sleep with a player, or whatever.”

Stevie let out a shocked laugh, raising her eyebrows at Robin.

“What? It’s true,” She said defensively, holding her hands up.

“What’s true?”

A simple interruption and the conversation was over. Just like that.

“That you’re a-“

“Nothing!” Stevie interrupted Robin as quickly as she could, face beet red as she finally turned and saw- “Uhhhhhh.”

Stevie couldn’t articulate a proper response, her brain going perfectly numb in mere seconds.

Because Eddie looked-

Well.

She had pants on. Leather pants, slightly slouchy. The kind of thing that looked vintage and way too cool for someone like Stevie. But the shirt was worse. There was no shirt. No, Eddie wore a black tube top. Really just a band of black, if anything. And over that, a harness that damn near matched Stevie’s.

The worst part was her boots.

They came up higher than usual, just under her knees. Straps upon straps, black as can be. Stevie was mesmerized.

“That might be the gayest outfit I’ve ever seen,” Robin said, sounding deeply impressed. She didn’t even have any sarcasm laced in there either. Stevie was even more shocked. “And that’s coming from me.”

Stevie wanted to compliment Eddie. She really did. But she was distracted by all the navel she could see. The fucking happy trail.

My god.

Stevie was discovering so much about herself.

“Stevie?” Eddie asked, looking oddly hopeful.

“You look hot,” She cried out, voice going up two octaves. She didn’t need to look at Robin to know she was absolutely being laughed at. “You- you look good.”

Eddie bit her bottom lip to hide a smile, looking between the two girls.

“Well, since I look good,” She teased, her eyes never leaving Stevie. Not even for a second. Stevie was never going to live any of this down. “Let’s get going.”

Stevie took a deep breath and hoped for the best.

—

The club was…

As loud as Stevie expected, with booming music and brighter lights. It was filled with people in various states of undress. Nothing too crazy though. They’d slipped their coats off in the parking lot, giggling like school kids the entire time. Stevie knew this was a first for Robin too.

The thought comforted her.

Maybe she was becoming more comfortable.

But then they got inside and…Eddie had a lot of friends, it seemed. Or maybe they were just acquaintances. But Stevie had already started to forget peoples names as they were introduced to her.

“Who’s that?” Robin asked, eyes wider than a barn owls as she pointed not to subtlety to one corner of the packed club. It was hard to see in the darkness and even harder to hear. But Eddie seemed to follow just fine, her dimples popping annoyingly as she smiled. Stevie squinted her eyes and it only took her a second to recognize the goth girl from the sex shop. Chrissy. Who was making her way over, ponytail bouncing behind her. Stevie frowned a little, hoping she wasn’t being too obvious.

“Chris,” Eddie greeted loudly, pulling her friend into a hug that- yeah, maybe Stevie didn’t like it. “I’m happy you could make it. I thought you’d be delighted to meet a friend of mine. Her name’s Robin.”

Oh.

Stevie watched in amazement as Robin went stock still, her entire body locking up. It wasn’t often that Stevie got to see someone be more embarrassed than her.

“Robin!” Chrissy greeted, her bubbly nature not quite matching her aesthetic. Stevie could appreciate it more now that Chrissy seemed focused on Robin and not Eddie. “It’s so nice to meet you. Are your freckles real?”

Robin opened her mouth and gaped.

“I- I- yeah? Yeah, they’re real,” She said, sounding absolutely mystified. Stevie turned and made eye contact with Eddie, raising a brow. “They’re everywhere.”

Oh my god, Robin.

Eddie let out a cackle and Chrissy smiled sweetly. Robin looked a lot like she wanted to throw herself into traffic.

“I’m sure they are,” Chrissy winked at Robin, the poor thing. “You wanna come get a drink with me, babe? I’d love to get to know you.”

Stevie got to watch in delight as Chrissy drug Robin off, sending Eddie an indiscernible look as they went. Stevie wasn’t quite sure what that was about but…

Well. She didn’t mind being alone with Eddie.

The music was loud and Stevie-

Quite liked the way Eddie was standing so close to her. Eddie reached out and snuck a hand around Stevie’s hip, pulling her toward the other end of the vast bar.

“You want a drink?” Eddie asked, pressing close to Stevie’s back once they got closer. There was too many people in here. Stevie felt hot all over, distracted by Eddie’s close proximity. What had she asked?

“Uh…” Stevie trailed off, unable to turn and face Eddie. “I don’t think- I don’t think that’s a good idea. Tonight. I should probably, you know. Stay sober.”

Stevie was taking it back. Having Eddie this close was too much already. They stood next to the bar, Steve leaning against an empty spot. She didn’t really care if any of the people around them were watching.

“Yeah? Why’s that?” Eddie asked, mouth too close to Stevie’s ear. They’d barely been here for five minutes. Fuck.

“Because,” Stevie said, refusing to give in. “Maybe I like being sober.”

It definitely wasn’t that.

“Liar,” Eddie said, somehow calling back to their moment in the library. “You wanna be a good girl. Don’t wanna get too sloppy drunk if you’re planning on getting some tonight, huh?”

How the fuck had things escalated so fast?

Stevie felt sweaty and cold all at once, leaning heavily back into Eddie and letting her catch Stevie’s weight.

“Who said anything about getting some?” Stevie joked, feeling anything but lighthearted. Horny, maybe. She was definitely horny now. “Although…you sure are dressed like-“

“Like what?” Eddie asked, a laugh into Stevie’s ear. She was close enough to hear over the music, close enough that anyone could make whatever assumption they wanted to about the two of them. “A whore?”

Stevie was going to actually cry.

She had to put a stop to this before Eddie did something crazy, like try to delve her hand up Stevie’s little skirt or some shit.

She turned quickly, hands pressing to Eddie’s shoulders.

“Do you wanna dance? Or are you too cool for that?” Stevie asked, feigning a confidence that was foreign to her. Eddie was right there, not running off. Not trying to find other girls to entertain.

Eddie grabbed Stevie by her wrists, already turning them and forcing Stevie to walk out toward the makeshift dance floor. It was crowded with people, sweaty and inexperienced.

“I’m a horrible dancer,” Eddie joked, pulling Stevie’s arms around her neck. It was intimate like this, her wrists crossed behind Eddie’s neck. Eddie really wasn’t very good at it, that much was quickly noticeable as she swayed her hips back and forth. Stevie didn’t mind, she could do it for the two of them. Years of natural rhythm and the occasional dance break afforded her the ability to adapt. The bass was low and the air was hot. Stevie pushed closer to Eddie, finding the confidence to press her breasts to Eddie’s. “Jesus Christ.”

“Yeah?” Stevie asked, deeming quite cheeky now that she’d gotten the better of Eddie. “You doin’ okay?”

It was clear that Eddie didn’t know what to do with her. It was cute, if anything. Stevie wasn’t used to getting the better of anyone, let alone other girls. It was a powerful feeling, twisting her body to rub her ass against Eddie. To feel the way Eddie gripped Stevie’s hips and nearly bunched up the sides of her skirt.

The height difference certainly helped. Eddie’s boots afforded her a few inches that Stevie was mildly obsessed with. Eddie hooked her chin over Stevie’s shoulder, her lips brushing up against Stevie’s ear again. Stevie wasn’t quite sure how much time passed, how immersed she was in Eddie touching her, feeling her. It was addictive, being so close to another person for the first time. Being so close to another girl in a way that Stevie had never even really allowed herself to be toward guys.

“Why are we even here?” Eddie asked, as if they hadn’t walked into the door not long before. How long had they been dancing? Stevie felt vaguely sweaty but she didn’t really care, not when Eddie smelled so good. Not when it was hot and dark and- “When I could be-“

Like all good things that happened to Stevie, someone always came along to throw a wrench in it.

“Eddie!” Someone greeted, breaking apart their moment in mere seconds. It took everything in Stevie to not stomp and pout as they were forced to pull apart, confronting the person who- oh, for fucks sake. “It’s so- it’s like, so cool to see you here. I didn’t think you’d show up.”

Samantha. Backed by at least three friends.

Seriously? Stevie had thought she’d seen the end of Samantha. She barely talked to Stevie in class anyway, only glaring at her every now and again once they finished their stupid project.

“Ignore her,” A brunette girl chimed in, looking a bit frantic as she attempted to pull her friend away from Eddie. “She’s had a few drinks-“

“I’m fine, Kayla,” Samantha snapped, words slurring horribly as she turned a beady eye back onto Stevie and Eddie. Mostly Eddie. Almost like she was taking her outfit in, really getting the details. And openly sneering at Eddie. What the fuck? “You have a lot of nerve.”

Eddie looked confused.

Stevie couldn’t blame her, she was confused too. What was her issue? Eddie had already rejected her, that much was clear. She needed to move on.

“What? Me?” Eddie asked, only gaining a loud laugh from Samantha. One of her friends tried to pull her away again. To be honest, the other two weren’t trying very hard. Only the brunette named Kayla seemed concerned about her friend.

“Yes, you!” Samantha said, getting unnecessarily loud. “Isn’t it awkward for you? To be in a bar that you’ve- that you’ve fucked like, every girl in?”

The sentence didn’t quite make sense but Stevie got the gist. It was insulting but Eddie didn’t look too offended. Mostly just weary.

“I don’t think that’s-“

“You said we would go on a date and that never happened,” Samantha rolled her eyes like she didn’t care. What? Was that true? Stevie turned to look at Eddie, surprised to find that she looked lightly amused. “So, what? You replaced me with someone easier?”

The smile slid right off of Eddie’s face.

“Okay,” Eddie said very seriously. “That’s enough. You can be rude to me but leave Stevie out of it. We talked about this already, Sam. I’m not interested, you agreed dating wasn’t for you. I’m not sure why you’re having a problem with it now but-“

“Because you said we could try!” Samantha hissed, sloshing some of her drink around. Stevie darted a look toward the bar, hoping they didn’t get kicked out of the first gay bar she’d ever come to. “You did. I remember you saying it. You said you thought I was sweet and that we could go out sometime, make things exclusive. I’m not- I’m not making that up.”

“I did not-“ Eddie was beginning to sound frustrated. Stevie was almost ready to step in if they didn’t resolve this soon. Somehow, her voice got stuck in her throat just like it always did. “I said we could maybe- that isn’t- I never said anything about exclusivity, Sam.”

“I know you did,” She said, nearly begging with her voice. It was hard to listen to. “I could tell by the way you acted that- that you were into me. You said you liked me the most.”

It was actually kind of depressing to watch Samantha waffle this much over someone she barely knew. Then again, wasn’t Stevie doing the same?

Was Samantha really the liar here? Did it matter?

“Sam-“ Kayla tried her best but her friend wasn’t having it.

“I literally never said that,” Eddie pinched the bridge of her nose with a sigh. “You know what? I’m not doing this. This is so- this is immature. You don’t own me because we slept together, okay?”

Samantha had one flash of fury before her drink went sailing toward Eddie’s chest, splashing the front of her in a torrent of blue liquid.

“Oh fuck-“ Kayla cursed at the same time as Eddie. It took all of five seconds for a bouncer to make their way over and-

“Out,” A burly guy said, pointing a thumb over his shoulder. But not at Stevie and Eddie, no. “All of you, get out-“

“What about them?” Samantha asked, wobbling dangerously on her heels.

“I saw you from over there-“ The bouncer explained things slowly, like he was speaking to a toddler. “So, out. Get out now or else.”

Samantha sent a death glare Stevie’s way this time, as if she’d been the one to cause any of this. No, Stevie had only wanted to have fun tonight. Samantha always found a way to ruin things. And what was all of that about? Was Samantha lying or…

Or had Eddie really made all those promises? Only a few weeks into school? Again. Did it really matter?

“Let’s get you-“ Stevie cut herself off, pulling Eddie towards the restroom. Eddie came without much fuss, just a few curse words along the way. “Clean.”

The noise of the bar died out on the inside of the bathroom. It wasn’t horribly busy in there, just a few girls wandering in and out. Applying lipgloss. Making out in one of the half open stalls. Stevie wondered if they even realized it was open. Maybe that was just part of the fun.

Stevie pushed Eddie up against the sinks without even thinking about, already reaching for paper towels with semi-shaky hands. She felt kind of….weird wasn’t the word. What was all that about? A careful reminder that Stevie didn’t own any part of Eddie, that Eddie spent her free time in other girls beds. Eddie was like that. Stevie knew it and she fooled around with Eddie anyway. So was she any better than Samantha in the end?

“Stevie-“

She ripped some off, turning back to the sink and wetting it underneath the faucet. She couldn’t really look at Eddie right in that moment. Not if she didn’t want to say something stupid.

“Stevie, can you-“ No, she could not. “Hey, look at me.”

Eddie reached for her wrists and stopped Stevie right as she was about to begin cleaning the giant stain over Eddie’s chest. It would get sticky soon, Stevie knew from experience.

“Hey,” Eddie said, much more gentle this time. Stevie looked up, realizing she was breathing kind of heavily. “Hey, are you okay? I’m fine. She didn’t- it’s all good. What’s going on?”

No. Stevie wasn’t about to start a whole thing. They came out to have fun. They’d barely been in this stupid club for a few minutes before someone managed to fuck things up.

“I just didn’t realize the two of you had been dating,” Stevie said, words slipping out before she could stop them. She didn’t mean to, not really. “Mostly because you- well, you said it wasn’t serious but clearly she’s like, really mad at you, so.”

Eddie looked far too confused.

“I wasn’t lying when I said it wasn’t serious,” Eddie said slowly, almost like she was puzzled. “I’m not sure what Samantha thought was going on. We fooled around a few times when I got on campus, that’s it. I haven’t even made it long enough to date anyone, Stevie. I mean, it’s been how long? It takes time to get serious with someone.”

Right.

And Eddie would know.

“Yeah,” Stevie agreed, throat too dry. She was being stupid. Attaching herself to people who- anyway, it didn’t matter. “And that’s not something you do? Or- do you think maybe you kind of….listen, I don’t know how you talk to- to the girls you see. Is it possible she-“

Eddie sighed like she knew what was coming. That said enough. She didn’t seem angry as she took the paper towel from Stevie and began dabbing at her own chest.

“It’s completely possible that I’m…too nice,” Stevie’s eyebrows went up and stayed there. Nice was one way to put it. “I’m complimentary, okay? Girls like Sam have a bad track record and I’m like, I don’t know. The first-“

Oh. This was actually funny.

Like hilarious funny.

It took Stevie a moment for the full picture to dawn on her.

“The first girl who’s ever been nice to them?” Stevie asked, repressing an amused smile. Okay, so now she felt….better? Maybe. Maybe not. It was true for her, she supposed. Though maybe Stevie had even less experience than most girls. “Isn’t that putting yourself on a pedestal? Thinking you’re the best experience a girl can ever have?”

Stevie was mostly joking. Anything to feel less like one of those girls.

She saw the shift in Eddie immediately.

Eddie dropped the paper towel onto the counter and abruptly stepped forward, taller than Stevie again.

“Yeah,” She said, almost smirking for a brief moment. Stevie felt it both in her chest and between her legs, this keen knowledge that maybe Eddie didn’t always show Stevie exactly who she was. It was both terrible and intriguing, knowing how Eddie might get other girls into bed. How good she was at saying what they wanted, doing what they wanted. Stevie hated that she liked being on that list. She hated even more the thought that maybe she was the odd one out. “Sometimes I think I am. And then reality shifts and I realize I’d probably be off the market by now if I was actually Gods gift to women. My ego isn’t nearly that big, Stevie.”

As if. Stevie could tell she was being modest. Eddie had cracked the code, whatever that meant. Beneath all her layers of dorkiness, there was something else. Stevie was sure Eddie would chalk it up to mere kindness and humor. Hmph. As if.

Stevie wasn’t going to ask. She didn’t need to.

“Did you talk to them like you talk to me?”

Fuck it if anyone else had to overhear this conversation. Stevie had zero alcohol in her bloodstream and a point to make.

Eddie wasn’t laughing now.

“I like to think I’m much nicer to you,” Eddie said lightly. “I also….don’t think you really wanna know what I say to other women, do you? Like…wouldn’t that just-“

“Cause problems?” Stevie asked, feeling a little mean. “I can’t imagine what sort of problems your mouth might cause.”

Stevie gave Eddie’s drink soaked chest a pointed look. It was a clear and solid insult. If Eddie was more careful and less “charming” maybe this wouldn’t have happened tonight. It was obvious that Eddie knew it too.

Eddie laughed quietly, looking a lot like she needed to rearrange her face in order to keep being serious.

“Do you want me to say a bunch of things that’ll make you feel special? Or would you rather me just show you?” Eddie asked, stepping ever closer to Stevie. Schmoozing. When would Stevie stop falling for it? How much of it was an act?

“Brave move for a girl with slushy on her tits,” Stevie said, causing Eddie to break character for a second as she laughed. This felt different. It had to, right? Eddie didn’t seem to act this way around anyone else. That was different.

Stevie, you stupid little girl.

“I’d let you lick it off,” Eddie said, her dimples popping brightly. Cheeky in her own sexuality, something Stevie wished she knew how to be. “Better yet, let me show you problems my mouth can solve.”

God. What an actual fucking dork.

It was working. Fuck it.

“Only if you say please,” Stevie said, feeling. quite brave herself. She deserves it after Samantha and the stupid little display outside. She deserved it after finding out Eddie maybe wasn’t as truthful as Stevie would have hoped. But they were both young, she had to keep reminding herself of that. Eddie opened her mouth to respond, looking far too happy to comply. “On your knees, actually. I think I’d like that better.”

Eddie let out a little shock of laughter, not hesitating at all to fall to the ground, smile huge and beautiful as she beamed up at Stevie.

Stevie was shocked.

“Oh my god-“ She tried to make Eddie get up, pressing at her shoulders but the other girl wasn’t having it. Stevie could hear laughter in the background, a wolf whistle. “Get up. I was joking-“

“Could I please-“ Eddie started to say, far too loud for such a small bathroom. “Could I please eat you out, Ms. Harrington? I would love to do the honor, I really-“

“Eddie,” Stevie hissed, her face flaming red despite how much she wanted to smile. She was torn between excitement and embarrassment, only made worse by the girls in the room who could very clearly hear Eddie. “Up. Now. Or I swear to-“

“Yes or no,” Eddie said, hands creeping up behind Stevie’s thighs and pulling her forward. Oh god, this would be what got them kicked out. Eddie rubbed her fucking face against Stevie’s skirt. “Simple answer, please because burying my head between your thighs is kind of all I’ve been dreaming about lately.”

Yeah. They weren’t making it out of this bathroom.

“Stall. Now,” Stevie choked out, pulling to get Eddie to stand up again. Oddly enough, she had no issues listening this time. Eddie shuffled to her feet, grinning as she pulled Stevie bodily across the room. There was definitely laughter now. At least no one seemed keen on ratting them out for public displays of affection. Was Stevie really about to do this? In a gay club? Really?

Eddie kissed her quick, the door banging closed behind then as she tried her best to lock it with frantic hands. It was almost funny. Only it wasn’t at all. Stevie could taste Eddie on her lips, could feel every line of her teeth as Eddie sucked on her tongue and pinned Stevie against the opposite wall.

“Say you don’t want me to,” Eddie hissed between them, ducking down to kiss along Stevie’s neck. She was less careful than useful, rougher with her teeth this time around. Stevie leaned into it, hands skimming over leather straps and tugging at them. “And I won’t, I promise. I just- I want to. So bad.”

Stevie pushed back a moan, still too aware of her surroundings. But this wasn’t so bad, was it? She’d seen a couple when she walked in here. This wasn’t bad at all.

Eddie slid a leg between Stevie’s thighs, pressing firmly to her cunt. Stevie wished she hadn’t worn panties at all, fuck.

“You can,” Stevie gasped, distracted by teeth beneath her ear. Sucking and sucking, until it started to hurt. Oh fuck. Stevie had never had an actual hickey before, not like this. Not where it felt like her skin was absolutely throbbing. “C’mon, do it. You’re all fucking talk.”

Eddie laughed in her ear, hands pressing over Stevie’s breasts. Cupping them through the straps, thumbs pushing at her hard nipples like she wanted more. Like she wished Stevie was naked right now, her outfit only serving to get in the way.

Eddie pushed her hands beneath the tiny skirt, fingers grasping the even smaller panties and-

Right. Fuck.

Eddie dropped to her knees again. Slower this time, eyes hot on Stevie as she went to pull her panties down and off, listing each foot carefully. Stevie leaned against the wall, feeling quite ugly in a slumped position. But Eddie wasn’t looking at her like she was ugly. No, she looked amazed.

“Fucking hell,” Eddie cursed once she saw the panties. The same ones Stevie had picked at the sex store. The ones that had started it all. “I’m keeping these.”

Stevie let out a strangled laugh as she watched Eddie actually pocket the panties.

“Oh are you?” Stevie asked, trying to maintain some sort of upper hand. It wasn’t working. It wasn’t- oh god, and then Eddie was shuffling forward, lifting one of Stevie’s legs to rest over her shoulder. Kissing her thigh. Looking up at Stevie, her eyeliner smudged to hell and back.

“What if I made you say please now?” Eddie asked, uncaring that anyone outside might hear them. Clearly she didn’t give a fuck. “What then?”

Stevie wasn’t about to try to be brave now.

She could feel how hot Eddie’s breath was against her bare cunt. She didn’t just want it, she needed it.

“Please,” Stevie said, giving in without really needing to. She didn’t care about Samantha now, not with Eddie on her knees. “Please, I want it.”

Eddie kissed her there, lips pressing warm against Stevie’s center. The angle was difficult but Eddie didn’t seem to mind, only moaning and pulling Stevie closer, her position precarious against the wall. Eddie licked her then, her tongue sneaking out to play against Stevie’s clit. Down and back up, as if she was tasting Stevie. The thought was almost too much to take, knowing that Eddie had this kind of intimate knowledge about her now.

She held Stevie by her hips as she licked at her, the little skirt falling over Eddie’s hair. Stevie didn’t have the strength to move it, not when she was too distracted by the feel of Eddie’s hair in her hands. Not when she was trying and failing to keep quiet. It was an impossible feat, Eddie really did know how to use her mouth.

All thoughts of other girls had to be cast aside as Stevie’s hips jumped forward, pressing hard against Eddie’s face. She didn’t mean to do it, no. It was an accident.

But Eddie pulled away for a second, leaning back with a glistening face.

“Not so mad at me now, are you?”

Stevie pushed Eddie back between her legs. That was all it took. The snarky tone, the reminder. Eddie being an ass about all the drama she knowingly caused. Stevie rubbed against her tongue, her clot throbbing with each pass as she gave in. Eddie only moaned louder, both hands coming up to plant next to Stevie’s hips on the wall. Like she wanted to be stuck here, like she loved the way Stevie was gripping the back of her neck with one thigh.

Stevie felt like she was chasing a high without even cumming yet.

And then the words started tumbling out, like they always did.

“I’m the prettiest, right?” Stevie asked, her voice edging towards mean. She wasn’t like this, never. But it felt good and Eddie kept licking her and oh- oh, it felt so good. “Prettiest girl you’ve ever fucked? Only I haven’t even let you fuck me yet. I’m better than that. You have to- oh god, try harder. Eat me out when I- fuck, when I tell you to.”

Eddie turned her head to the side, panting openly against Stevie’s thigh. She wasn’t upset. No, she was smirking at Stevie.

“Whenever you want,” Eddie said, voice going hoarse. “Whenever you-“

Stevie pushed her back again, almost shouting when Eddie pushed a finger into her cunt. It was sudden but not unwelcome. Stevie just hadn’t seen her even move her hands. But there it was, curling inside her. Pressing that button as Eddie sucked her clit. Her neck had to be aching by now.

Stevie found that even hotter. As if Eddie was putting herself in this position just because Stevie wanted it, because Stevie needed it.

She was the one who had Eddie on her knees. No one else.

“Fuck,” Stevie whined, unable to stop it from happening. So quick with Eddie, always so fucking quick. “I’m gonna cum- I’m-“

Eddie didn’t stop, not even as Stevie pushed against her and pulled her hair just a touch too rough. She helped Stevie through it, grasping one of Stevie’s hands with her own. Fingers slipping into the gaps of one another as Stevie came with a sharp jolt. Warmth spread through her body and she twitched with the aftershocks, coming down so slowly.

Eddie kissed her again, tongue dragging over her opening. It took Stevie a second to come back into her body, it felt like. As if she’s ascended or some shit.

Eddie was gentle after, extracting Stevie’s hand with her own. Carefully lowering Stevie’s leg back to the floor a moment before she stood again. Leaving Stevie with no panties, thighs still a little wet with a secret. Though, it wasn’t so secret now, was it? Everyone in the bathroom knew.

“Do you wanna-“

“Can I get you off?” Stevie asked raspily, clinging to Eddie now. Wanting to kiss her but unwilling to initiate it now that she had cum. This Stevie was more nervous, more self aware.

“Oh,” Eddie responded….not well. Stevie tried not to frown as Eddie seemingly shut down for a second. “Uh….I’m good. I don’t- I don’t always enjoy that, so. No harm, no foul.”

Huh.

“Oh that’s fine,” Stevie said, despite feeling like something was off. It wasn’t up to her to force Eddie to do things she didn’t want to do, after all. It was all up to Eddie. Still. She couldn’t really look Stevie in the eye, could she? Very unlike Eddie. “I would never want to make you uncomfortable. I only want to make you feel good.”

Stevie felt stupidly vulnerable for someone waxing poetic in a public bathroom.

“You make me very comfortable,” Eddie smiled softly and pressed her hand into Stevie’s. “But you know what I’d like to do right now?”

Stevie snorted, she should have expected that. It was still funny how horny Eddie was.

“Go back to the dorm for act two?”

Eddie bit back a laugh.

“Actually,” She said, playing with Stevie’s fingers. “I was gonna ask if you waited to go to the diner down the street. Thought we’d give Robin and Chrissy some alone time.”

Oh.

Stevie liked that. She liked that a little too much.

“Yeah,” She agreed, deeply afraid to say the wrong thing. “Yeah, let’s go.”

None of the other girls got to go on dates, did they?

Chapter Text

“You should get some fries,” Eddie said without even looking up from her menu. Stevie tensed up almost immediately, sure that she was about to have an awkward conversation- “Don’t question me, just do it.”

Oh.

Something about Eddie’s tone was…

Easy to go along with. Too easy.

“Okay,” Stevie said, feeling a bit like a robot. Not in a bad way, really. It was just nice to not have to decide or hem and haw over the calories or- yeah, she was glad Eddie had just decided. “Do you wanna share a milkshake?”

Eddie grinned at Stevie like she’d said something wonderful. Maybe Eddie knew, maybe she’d noticed just how nervous food always made Stevie. She was better than she’d been growing up and certainly much more at ease away from her mother but…old habits die hard and all that.

“I would love to,” Eddie said, closing her menu and watching Stevie with her chin propped on one hand. Her eyes glittered in the low light of the diner, so deep brown that they almost looked black. The eyeliner only made them darker, prettier. Steve could only hope she looked a fraction as good as Eddie at any given moment. “How are you feeling? You know, after…”

Stevie blushed bright red, her new familiar shade. How was she feeling?

“Good,” She managed to squeak out, aware that maybe she shouldn’t be talking about any of this at all. Where did her and Eddie even stand? Eddie didn’t seem to want to delve into that much, so. Neither did Stevie. “I feel good. Fine. Nothing wrong or-“

“I’m sorry about Samantha,” Eddie said, clearing her throat and looking away. It wasn’t a shifty movement, she only looked embarrassed. “That was…I didn’t think she was quite that into me.”

Huh.

Eddie almost sounded self deprecating.

“I think most girls are pretty into you,” Steve said sarcastically. Eddie gave her a look, snorting softly right as the waitress came back to their table. She ordered for the two of them, settling a warm feeling in Stevie’s belly. “What? You don’t think so?”

The waitress had already walked away and Stevie wasn’t known for dropping it.

“I think people are lonely,” Eddie said with a somewhat stiff smile. “I didn’t even know that much about her, to be honest. She’s a stranger to me. And obviously, she didn’t know shit about me. It wasn’t like that.”

Stevie watched Eddie unwrap each straw with distracted hands, clearly deep in thought.

Why was Stevie so sad that they weren’t sharing a straw?

“Yeah? Would you have wanted to know more about her?” Stevie asked, unable to stop her curiosity from peaking out. She really was so bad at this whole thing. Trying to be nonchalant and failing. Trying to appear like she wasn’t grasping at anything to talk about.

“I don’t know,” Eddie said, a not so sufficient answer. Stevie wanted to roll her eyes. “She wasn’t…very interesting to me. Kind of shallow.”

Stevie snorted in a self deprecating way.

“That’s a lie,” She said, snatching up some of the fries and shoving them into her mouth. She didn’t really care in the moment. Eddie was obviously lying. “If you thought she was so boring, why’d you sleep with her?”

Why did Eddie look more amused than annoyed?

“You think I have to be interested in a girls course schedule to want to fuck her?” Eddie asked, not even bothering to backtrack from how bad that clearly sounded. Jesus Christ. “Sam was cute. I don’t know that much about her because I never bothered to ask. I don’t think that would have changed if we fucked more.”

She was so crass.

And kind of mean about it too.

Stevie wished the whole attitude change wasn’t turning her on a little bit. But only a little bit. Not like- not a lot. No.

“So, what about me then?” Stevie asked, somewhat dangerously as she reached out to pull the milkshake closer to her. She wasn’t trying to be suggestive as she drank from it. Not at all. “Am I just another pretty girl for you to fuck?”

Eddie smiled at Stevie, leaning back on her seat with her arms crossed over her chest.

“Already told you I haven’t fucked you yet,” Eddie said, looking far too entertained by this discussion. Stevie could see little hints of the real Eddie peak out sometimes, easy explanations as to whys he seemed to get herself into so much trouble with girls. “I think you’re far more interesting than Sam. Does that help?”

Se raised her eyebrows somewhat sarcastically.

Stevie wanted to slap her. Only kind of.

“I think insulting another girl in front of me isn’t going to do you any favors,” Stevie lied. She was secretly pleased that Eddie seemed to have a newfound animosity toward Samantha, even if the new emotion made her feel just a bit icky. Stevie knew it wasn’t great. “Have you talked to a therapist about the roots of your sex addict lifestyle?”

Eddie let out a loud laugh, teeth shining in the dim lighting of the diner. Stevie wanted to lick them. It was definitely a wild thought for her to have. Certainly not one she’d ever experienced before.

“I’m not a sex addict,” Eddie said between laughs, reaching across to steal the milkshake from Stevie. She sipped at her own straw, teeth denting the plastic. “I just like having sex. It all started when I was a wee young thing-“

“You’re such an asshole,” Stevie groaned, reaching over to slide the drink back to her side of the table. She deserved it if she had to listen to Eddie’s various stories. “I’m actually curious now. How’d you lose your virginity? I feel like someone like you has to have some crazy story.”

Eddie’s smile did not dim but it did soften.

“Sophomore year,” She said, raising a hand to her heart. “I was at a sleepover that I kind of annoyed my way into, actually. I was still trying to be…something I’m not, I guess. All the other girls in my grade could tell. Like they could smell it on me. Uh oh, big stinky dyke just entered the locker room. I’m shocked I even got invited, to be honest-“ Eddie sighed and sat back again. Stevie was surprised she was even getting a real story. If it was real at all. “But my mom had this friend, this life long friend. And she had a daughter named Melissa and Melissa was like-“ Eddie mimed a bomb blowing up near her face. “So gorgeous. I think I was a little obsessed with her. In the most embarrassing way. But like- all these girls, they wanted to play seven minutes in heaven. And I knew it wasn’t gonna go well. Shit like that never goes well, never-mind when it’s a bunch of girls alone in a room. I thought it was stupid until I got matched with Melissa.”

Oh.

“So, you….lost your virginity playing seven minutes in heaven?” Stevie asked in confusion. That seemed a little…well, they were kids. Not like it needed to be long.

Eddie grinned widely at her, a shit eating grin if Stevie had ever seen one.

“Nah,” Eddie said slyly. “I snuck into her window like a week later and we fooled around. The party was just the catalyst.”

Stevie rolled her eyes heavily, cheeks red as she remembered all her own failed attempts at ‘fooling around.’ She didn’t have all this experience that Eddie had. She didn’t even have stories to match Eddie’s.

“What happened to Melissa?” Stevie asked, feeling quite brave for a moment. “Is she still the most gorgeous girl on the planet?”

Eddie was good. Too good. Like a shark rising to bait.

“Absolutely not,” She said, giving Stevie an up and down. “No, I’m pretty sure that award is already taken.”

Oh whatever.

“Ha ha,” Stevie said, determined to not fall for it this time. “You’re only saying that because I know where you sleep.”

“And what if I do think you’re gorgeous? Possibly the most amazingly stunning woman I’ve ever met,” Eddie gave Stevie an intense look. “Like a movie star. Only you-“

“Moan like a pornstar?” Stevie asked drily, sensing where this was going.

She couldn’t help the blush on her face, she never seemed to be able to around Eddie.

“I wasn’t gonna say that,” Eddie giggled unconvincingly. “I just think you have the wrong idea of me and I’m worried-“

“That you won’t get laid any more if you say the wrong thing to me?” Stevie asked, clearly on a roll now. She couldn’t help it. This feeling was exhilarating. Actually one-upping Eddie and leaving her speechless for even a few seconds.

“Maybe,” Eddie admitted a little too easily. “You do taste really good. Wouldn’t want to miss out on the fun.”

The fun?

Stevie rolled her eyes again despite the heat in her belly. Ugh. Eddie was such an annoying flirt but unfortunately, Stevie was stupidly into it.

“What fun? Maybe you’re worried I’ll go find another girl to fuck me,” Steve raised her eyebrows in challenge. It was a bluff. She was about ready to climb across the table and on top of Eddie. “Is that it?”

Eddie gave Stevie an unreadable look.

“It wouldn’t be as good,” She said dismissively. “We’re practically enemies to lovers-“ Stevie laughed a bit too loud at that, garnering a few looks from random diner patrons. “What? We are! You hated me a few months ago.”

“I just wanted you to be nice to me,” Stevie admitted, biting her lip as the same confusion from her first week at school filtered back in. “I’d hardly call that hatred.”

“Maybe I was just upset that I got to school and my straight roommate was devastatingly out of my league,” Eddie wasn’t laughing anymore. Stevie swallowed hard, trying her best to not look away. “And I thought about all the times I’d have to watch her waltz in and out of the dorm with frat guys. Or maybe I thought about how you’d look coming out of the shower, hair all wet and wrapped in a towel. Untouchable. So far out of my league that I couldn’t even stand beside you.”

Stevie pushed away her automatic need to pounce Eddie. No, that wasn’t really helpful when they were arguing. Only this wasn’t arguing, was it?

“Really? You thought of all that when you met me? Immediately?” Stevie asked with a dry mouth.

“You’d be shocked by the things I think about you,” Eddie grinned then, the spell broken in an instant. “Eat some fries, they’re gonna get cold.”

Stevie shivered from head to toe, ready to groan at how badly she wanted Eddie. They could go to the bathroom again, she didn’t care if everyone in the restaurant heard them.

“Do you wanna go back to the dorms soon?” Stevie blurted out, face absolutely burning.

Eddie only smirked wider at her.

—

The drive back to their dorm was full of subtle groping, even as Eddie advised Stevie to behave. It was hard to when something about Eddie kept entrancing Stevie, driving her insane.

All she wanted was more of whatever Eddie was willing to offer. To do to her, really.

They started kissing as soon as they got into their room, Stevie’s hands holding Eddie carefully by her face as they tripped toward one bed, shoes being abandoned along the way.

It only took about three minutes of vigorous making out for someone to knock on the door.

Stevie was half on top of Eddie, her skirt pushed up around her hips as she tried to navigate actually climbing into Eddie’s lap.

“Fuck,” Stevie cursed, breathing heavily. Literally who could it even be this late at night? “I gotta-“

“Ignore it,” Eddie said, one hand trying desperately to hold onto Stevie’s waist. “Just-“

“Could be Robbie,” Stevie said, leaning in to kiss Eddie again, just as- yep. That had to be Robin. No one else knocked with that much urgency. “I guess she didn’t go back to Chrissy’s.”

They’d wandered back to the club once Stevie and Eddie were done at the diner, intent on picking both girls up. Apparently they’d had the same idea though, both of them sober and ready to talk more. Stevie had been overjoyed that they seemed to really like each other.

Now she was pretty worried that maybe the diner date hadn’t gone so well.

The knocking started again and Stevie lifted up with a sigh, flicking Eddie the middle finger as she went to lounge back on her bed with a wide smirk, clearly checking Stevie out. Ugh.

Sure enough, Robin was right behind the door.

But she didn’t look upset.

She pushed past Stevie and threw her hands into the air in excitement.

“I kissed a girl!” Robin cheered, cheeks pink from how clearly exhilarated she was. “Like. I can’t believe I did it! And she was so sweet and she was wearing cheery lipgloss, Stevie. Fucking cherry lipgloss. I’ve never been so into someone before-“ Stevie felt like maybe that was a lie. Robin had called herself girl obsessed before, after all. “She’s like a fairy Princess but in a really scary way. I think we-“

“Did Chrissy leave you?” Eddie asked somewhat rudely. It wasn’t intended that way but the interruption had Robin stalling like she hadn’t even realized that yeah, this was Eddie’s room too. Stevie was just glad Robin was clearly under a spell or she might have noticed Stevie’s totally smeared lipstick. “I figured you two would be doing unmentionable things by now.”

Robin only got redder and Stevie sent Eddie a subtle glare. It only made her grin more.

“We’re taking it slow,” Robin said, holding her hands out as if to mime slowing down. “Because we’re both kind of-“

“Weird.” Eddie muttered, just as Stevie said, “Damaged.”

Robin gave them both a glare.

“We’re both sweethearts, thanks,” She said, obviously not intimidated enough to let her good mood go. “But don’t worry, when we bang, I’ll be sure to let you both know about all the glorious details.”

Eddie clearly wanted to tease Robin more but she was being very good about it.

Stevie was just happy she’d managed to make such a good friend in college.

“I wanna watch a movie!” Robin announced, not sensing the vibe that Stevie and Eddie had definitely been making out before.

This was it. This was the moment Eddie would finally really disappoint Stevie. She’d tell Robin to fuck off, make her go away just so she could get laid. Stevie knew it like dread in her stomach.

“Oh hell yeah,” Eddie said, winking discreetly at Stevie. “How shout Clueless? I had a huge thing for Alicia Silverstone growing up.”

“Ew,” Robin said, wrinkling her nose. “She’s an anti-vaxxer.”

“Well, she wasn’t then.”

“God, this explains so much about you.”

“What does that mean?”

“Oh, just that you’re-“

Stevie grinned big as she flopped onto the bed next to Eddie. Okay, she was fine with being wrong this time.

—

Stevie did not want to go to class.

She wasn’t quite sure how her life had gotten so absolutely insane recently, but she knew that she would have to face Samantha at some point. They had a class together.

Stevie dragged herself to class the next week, hoodie and sweats firmly in place on a lazy day. She was tired from the weekend, spending time with Robin and doing unmentionable things with Eddie. They hadn’t gone further than they usually do but it had still been fun. Stevie wasn’t sure if she was quite ready to go all the way yet. It felt kind of silly, arbitrary in the funniest of ways. Who got to dictate what it really meant to have sex for the first time?

Anyway, she was mostly just telling herself that. She felt slightly anxious that Eddie had not yet tried to actually get in her pants. Or maybe it really was a more sacred thing to Eddie. Stevie wasn’t sure, Eddie did not like talking about personal things. It was patently obvious in the way that she changed subjects at random whenever they got a little too close to home. Stevie sort of hated it, but she couldn’t really blame Eddie.

It didn’t stop Stevie from wanting to ask questions.

She wanted to ask more about Samantha too but she knew how bad of an idea that would be. It was clear that the subject was just about closed with Eddie.

Still. Stevie was the one who actually had to deal with seeing Samantha. And their seating hadn’t changed either.

So, Stevie stared straight ahead as she sat down for class. She was a few minutes early, despite trying to drag out her walk across campus.

Samantha looked tired.

Stevie didn’t expect her to say anything.

“Well,” Samantha sounded tired too, Jesus Christ. “How’s it feel to win?”

Stevie clenched her jaw in announce, darting Samantha a quick look as she opened her textbook and pretended to read.

“What? You not gonna say anything after getting me banned from one of the only gay bars near campus?”

Stevie twitched.

“I think you’ll find you did that all on your own,” Stevie really couldn’t stop herself from being a little bit of a bitch. “And for a girl you’ve known….for what? A few weeks?”

Samantha only looked confused. It was odd, the way her nose scrunched up and her eyes narrowed.

“Sorry, what?” She asked, not even sounding sassy for once. Stevie ignored her book then, curious as to how she had befuddled the other girl. Maybe she was still feeling the effects of her weekend fiasco. “I….I’ve known Eddie for years.”

The classroom was quiet.

Stevie was fairly fucking certain that Samantha was messing with her.

“Oh?” Stevie asked, not remotely interested in wherever this was going. Samantha’s expression passed over into irritation within seconds.

“Oh my god,” She said, almost to herself. “Of fucking course she would.”

Literally what did that even mean?

“I’ve known Eddie since we were teenagers,” Samantha said, unknowingly making things much worse for Stevie. Because surely she was hearing Samantha wrong. No, that couldn’t be true. Eddie had said she didn’t know Samantha. Hadn’t she? She’d at least heavily implied so. “We were literally in the same friend group. Oh my god. She’s such a-“

Samantha cut herself off, turning sharply in her desk as she seethed with annoyance. At least she wasn’t gloating. She probably had every right to now. It was incredibly obvious that Eddie had lied to Stevie. But had she really? You could be in a friend group and not really know someone. But Eddie had made it sound as if she had never met Samantha before college at all. A stranger, that was what she had called Samantha.

They didn’t talk for the rest of the class. Stevie needed some time to stew.

—

She didn’t get time to stew at all.

No, as soon as Stevie left class, her phone started ringing. It was never a good sign, especially not when she looked at her screen and saw that it was her mother calling. As if they hadn’t left off on the wrong foot merely a week ago.

Stevie steeled herself for whatever she was about to hear, answering the call with a repressed sigh.

“Hi mom,” Stevie spoke dully into the receiver, dodging someone on the sidewalk as she walked. “Just got of class, so I’m sorry if I-“

“What exactly do you think you’re up to at that school?”

Stevie froze.

What?

She looked around as if her mom was actually there, as if she could see Stevie. Suspicion and trepidation seeped into her blood, her shoulders rising in defense as she began to walk again.

What the fuck was her mom talking about?

“Huh? I’m just going to class,” Stevie said, trying to remain nonchalant. She felt like she was in a spy movie. God, it almost felt like her mom was watching. “I just said I got out of one. Psych.”

She didn’t take the bait.

“I said,” Her mom snapped meanly, the same tone she used to get when Stevie screwed up in a pageant or gained too much weight for a custom dress she’d just had ordered for her. “What are you doing at that school?” She didn’t give Stevie another second to answer. “I logged into Facebook this morning and what do I see? Photos of you at- at a bar. At one of those- those bars. Stevie. You and I both know how bad that looks.”

Oh.

Stevie felt her heart sink.

“It’s not-“ Her mother tried to interrupt but Stevie couldn’t let that happen. Her day was already not going great, she really didn’t need her mom to pile onto it. “It was just a gay bar, mom. People go to them all the time.”

What photo was she talking about?

Stevie was pretty sure they’d taken a couple of selfies once they got back to the bar but she couldn’t exactly remember what they’d looked like.

“There was a girl in the background,” Her mother sounded like she was on a roll now, all her pent up rage spilling out. “If you can even call her that-“ Stevie clenched her jaw, eyes narrowing as if her mother was stood right in front of her. Stevie had to move, had to drop down on a nearby bench. Her knees were too weak, her stomach doing tumbles. “Some little dy-“

“Stop it,” Stevie snapped finally, her eyes growing embarrassingly wet. Her heart felt like it might just out of her chest. “Her name is Eddie and she’s my friend. Don’t call her that. You don’t get to say that.”

God. Stevie never stood up to her mom.

It felt horrible and wonderful all at the same time.

“Do not tell me what I can and can’t call her,” Stevie’s mom hissed, as angry as a snake. She’d never been nice. Even when Stevie was little. “She looks like nothing but a little slut. I’m telling you to stay away from her or-“

“Or what?” Stevie asked, trying to be brave. She couldn’t stand this anymore. Her mom had always been controlling but this was another level. “She’s my fucking roommate, so. Don’t know how you’re gonna fix that, mom.”

There was a beat of silence.

“I’ll pull your loan,” Her mom said, as if Stevie’s semester hadn’t already been paid for. She was bluffing. It wasn’t an unfamiliar tactic with her. “Don’t make do it. I’ll shut off your credit card-“

“Oh? The one dad gave me?” Stevie couldn’t stop now that she’d started. “You don’t control his funds. You got your divorce settlement. You can’t do anything to me.”

It wasn’t true. Stevie knew it wasn’t. Her mom could probably do a lot if she really wanted to. Stevie was already trying to run through some sort of escape route in her mind, some sort of fail safe.

“You’re being ungrateful. That’s all you are. Call your dad then, see if he gives a shit about-“

Stevie hung up, tears falling softly as she sat on a random bench in broad daylight. Someone walked by and briefly glanced at her, grimacing as they walked faster.

Nice.

Stevie sucked in a deep breath, pulling her dads name up on her phone. She hadn’t spoken to him in ages. Partially because he was such a distant person.

Stevie really didn’t want to.

She hit his number anyway, exhaling shakily as the phone rang.

“Stevie?”

Oh god.

“Hey dad,” She said, trying to make herself sound a little less pathetic. “How’s work? Are you in- what is it, New York? Alabama?”

It was clear that she was not doing so well.

“I’m- are you crying?” He asked, sounding a lot more sympathetic than Stevie thought he would. “Stevie? Is something wrong?”

Oh, where was she supposed to start?

—

“-on Facebook?” Stevie’s dad asked, voice lilting with confusion. She splayed across her bed, unsure that she’d ever had this long of a conversation with her father before. But he was talking to her. And not judging. “Sorry, your mom is mad because…she saw you with some girls she didn’t like the looks of?”

Just rip the bandaid off, Stevie.

“One in particular,” Stevie said, closing her eyes. “My roommate. She’s…uh, she’s a lesbian. Moms homophobia reared it’s ugly head and I kind of snapped on her.”

She waited for silence, for another telling off. Anything.

“Oh,” Her father didn’t sound remotely upset. “Sounds like she deserved it. Saw the photos, they’re not even that damning. You’d think you were on there snorting coke.”

Stevie huffed out a laugh at her fathers brash joke. It was true. She’d scrolled through and seen all the photos. There was nothing to them that looked even remotely suspect. There was even a pretty cute one of Stevie and Eddie standing close, smiling stupidly at each other. Friends took photos like that all the time.

Her father hadn’t even noticed.

Noticed what exactly?

“Yeah, we didn’t get to that part,” Stevie joked drily. “Do you think she’s gonna cut me off? I know I sound like a spoiled brat-“

“You’ve never been a spoiled brat,” Her father laughed loudly into the receiver. Stevie felt a smile creeping up, tentative and surprised. “Your mom and I just- we’re not very good parents-“ Steve lay in shock, surprised that he would even admit it. “We’ve spent a long time giving you shut up gifts. I was meaning to call you this week, you know. See if you wanna come up here sometime. I know you’re busy with school but…I don’t know, I started going to therapy because Hilary thinks it’ll be good for me and I hate that she’s right.”

Hilary. Stevie’s technical step mom.

“Will-“

Stevie didn’t even get to complete her sentence.

“Your sister won’t be here,” He snorted in reply. Clearly Stevie was predictable. “She’s pretty mad at me right now, so. Don’t worry about that. And hey, don’t worry about school or your card or-“

“Dad-“

“Your mom has no control over how much money I send you,” He clarified, rolling over her words again. Stevie wasn’t sure what to do with this feeling in her chest. “She’s just trying to scare you.”

It was working.

Stevie still felt a massive amount of guilt over the entire thing. She really was a useless rich girl.

“I know.”

“I’ll set up a flight in say…two months? You think you could do that?”

She’d make it work either way.

“Absolutely,” Stevie said, trying to not smile too soon. Historically, none of this had ever gone good for her. “I’d love to.”

“And hey, bring your girlfriend with you when you do.”

—

Stevie felt kind of sick.

Her phonecall had ended fine. That wasn’t the issue. Her father was overly apologetic for assuming…assuming what? That Stevie was dating Eddie. That Stevie was…

Experimenting?

She hated the word. It left a bad taste in her mouth. It was so blasé, so simple. Not nearly as intense as every single orgasm Eddie had ever given her. And Stevie still couldn’t return the favor. That was okay, she wanted to respect Eddie.

She also couldn’t stop staring at her at any given moment. Imagining if she was as warm as Stevie down there. What she’d feel like. What she’d taste like.

It led Stevie down a dangerous path.

She had already gotten into how many arguments with Eddie recently and she knew they were both toeing a very awkward line.

But anytime Stevie starting thinking negatively, she couldn’t seem to stop. Especially where Eddie was concerned. Which led her to investigating. Another thing that was definitely not a bright idea.

Stevie had never felt so possessed to see what someone was up to. She shouldn’t do it, she really shouldn’t. But Eddie was gone for the night, with no hint of where. No text, nothing.

So.

Naturally, Stevie redownloaded tinder.

She knew Eddie was still on there. Stevie had just never seen her profile. The jig would be up once Eddie found out, it would be way too obvious. But oh well. What? Eddie could go on dating apps but Stevie couldn’t? That hardly seemed fair.

Stevie lay on her bed, hands shaking badly as she changed her preference to include women.

It felt like a step in a direction that she was too scared to take.

Oh well, it was just to see. She just wanted to see.

There were more girls on campus than Stevie even realized, actually. Pretty ones. Ones like Eddie, ones like Robin.

A few like Stevie.

She was bright red, scrolling through each profile and unthinkingly swiping on a few.

It was embarrassing that she spent so long on there, just looking at people.

And then finally, as if the universe needed to save Stevie some time, she stumbled onto Eddie.

‘Stuck in collegiate hell, but could be a fun night for you.’

Stevie felt her heart grow heavy as she stared at the screen. She couldn’t glean much from so little. Did it even matter? This was so dumb. Stevie knew. She had seen Eddie’s notifications before. Eddie actively used the app.

Stevie was just…

Annoyed? Frustrated? Horribly confused?

It didn’t matter which way she framed it. She kept going back to the app, back to the lie about Samantha that wasn’t quite a lie.

Eddie found Stevie like that, the door creaking open as Stevie sat against her wall, frowning down at her phone.

“Why the long face?” Eddie asked casually, clearly not sensing the storm cloud above Stevie. She was unlacing her boots and locking the door behind her, focused on relaxing.

Stevie hated to make her day worse.

Her phone dinged with a notification and Stevie felt vindicated for a moment. It was from a girl. Yeah, her mom would hate that. She’d hate it if she found out Stevie was on a dating app, looking for women. Not that she was. Looking.

“Stevie?”

Eddie was shrugging out of her jacket, brow now furrowed.

Right.

“Why’d you lie about knowing Samantha?”

The question was met with shocked silence. It didn’t really make Eddie look great, not as she gaped at Stevie and fell onto her bed. She sat stock still, obviously trying to figure out what was going on.

“Uhh…what-“

“She told me,” Stevie said, going completely emotionless. She felt like digging her nails into Eddie. Maybe her teeth too. “In class. She got all bitchy with me and I asked why she cared so much about a girl she’d just met and-“

“Oh, that’s-“

Stevie wasn’t having it.

“And she said you’ve known her for a few years, actually,” Stevie said, biting her lip to hide her hurt. Why was she even hurt? It was so stupid. She had no right to be and yet. It seemed to be becoming a pattern with Eddie. Like she had two sides to her. “So did you just meet or did you know each other in school? Which is it?”

Eddie huffed out a soft laugh, clearly trying to not be as sarcastic as she wanted to be. It had to be a defense mechanism.

“Yes, I went to school with her. I’m not sure….why that’s something I needed to tell you,” Stevie swallowed back a lot of things in that moment. Right. Because Eddie really didn’t have to tell Stevie. “We weren’t close. Same friend group. That’s about it.”

Hm.

“Is that about it?” Stevie asked, trying to not be too bitchy. Don’t do this. She’ll realize and- fuck. “I just think that if I’m your friend, you shouldn’t be telling me weird lies. I don’t get it. You either knew her or you-“

“She had a crush on me,” Eddie sighed warily. “That’s about it. She got my number, tried to ask me out. I said no because she has crazy leeching off of her-“ Stevie gave Eddie a pointed look. “Yeah, I know. I shouldn’t have slept with her. We’ve crossed that bridge already.”

There was something about this mild, calm argument that annoyed Stevie even more.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Stevie asked, leaning into it a bit. Who could blame her for how wide her eyes got? For the tilt of her eyebrows? For using what Robin called her ‘sad puppy dog’ face? “I’m your friend, right? Why not just-“

“I wasn’t really proud of it,” Eddie blurted. She stared at Stevie, her hands tense over her thighs. “She’s not…the nicest girl in the world. She’s kind of-“

“And insulting girls in front of me won’t make me feel any better-“

“She was mean to you,” Eddie interrupted Stevie, her eyebrows shooting up. “That’s it. I cut her off immediately. I don’t like that she’s rude to you, okay? And I didn’t want you to think I was like, close with someone who is cruel and hurtful and mean and- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m not good at this.”

This?

Stevie resisted the urge to ask what this was.

“So, you didn’t want me to think badly of you?” Stevie asked slowly, noting the hunch to Eddie’s shoulders. “Eddie. I don’t think you’re-“

“Kind of an asshole?” Eddie asked, not even looking at Stevie. “I definitely am but- you’re my friend. I care about you. I like you, even. The thought of sleeping with a person who has made you cry doesn’t really make me feel like the best person on the planet. I…I like being around you. I’m glad your my roommate.”

Fuck.

That was a lot more than Stevie had expected. It felt charged now, too intense.

“Yeah?” Stevie asked, the hint of a grin sliding onto her face. “Is that why you’re here and not on a tinder date?”

Fuck it. Stevie didn’t care when or how Eddie found out. She should have just matched to her.

Eddie looked back up, making eye contact with Stevie.

“If you’re gonna hole up in the dorm alone, I thought maybe I’d give you some company.”

Oh. That was sweet, if not backhanded in a funny way.

“And who says I don’t have a date tonight?” Stevie asked slyly, watching as Eddie fumbled with that sentence. “You know, the sapphic population on this campus is actually pretty-“

Stevie had already forgiven Eddie, even if it went unvoiced. It was hard not to when she looked like that.

“I know like, every single one of them,” Eddie said, shaking her head back and forth. “You don’t want that. They’re not even-“

Stevie laughed loudly, a thrill going through her.

“Not even what? Not even on my level?” She asked sarcastically. Eddie always went with it, always ready to make a joke that would have Stevie blushing for hours.

“Absolutely not,” Eddie flicked a careless hand in the air. “I’m a slut, so. I know they’re bad in bed-“ Stevie laughed again. Eddie wasn’t quite that big of a slut, even if she wanted to joke about it. “Drama. Just, so much drama. You’d be up to your eyeballs in it.”

“So they’re all bad in bed? Every one of them?”

Eddie looked too cocky for her own good now.

How did this keep happening? One second they’d be lowkey arguing and the next…

“Yep,” Eddie nodded enthusiastically, very convincing. “The worst. So, you should really save yourself the trouble.”

“I shouldn’t go on a date at all?”

“You don’t even look like you’re dressed for a date.”

“Oh?” Stevie laughed again, her face and chest far too warm. As usual. “Are you sure?”

She lifted herself from her bed and gave Eddie a look, already making her way across the room.

“I was just getting ready to shower,” She lied, blood beginning to pump as she made another awful decision. “You wanna join me? See me getting ready for my date?”

She lifted the edge of her shirt and tore it off, tossing it onto her bed. Her breasts bounced with the movement, free from her bra. It was satisfying enough to almost render Eddie speechless.

“Fuck yeah,” Eddie agreed, looking a lot like she could hardly believe her luck.

—

Stevie crowded a very naked Eddie into the shower stall, mesmerized at the amount of skin on displays. Tattoos she had never seen, pale white thighs she longed to sink her teeth into. Her full bush. Stevie couldn’t quite stop staring.

Eddie didn’t seem too bothered by the attention.

The water was steamy, falling upon them as Stevie gave in and kissed Eddie on the mouth. It was intense from the go, as Eddie licked past Stevie’s teeth and against her tongue. Stevie moaned at the filthy action, hands delving into curly hair to help guide Eddie into an even deeper kiss.

Eddie bit her lip, teeth sharp against the sensitive skin, pulling at it and licking the superficial wound. She pressed kiss after kiss to Stevie’a lips, right until they began to feel sore. She didn’t care, they could become chapped and she’d still want to kiss Eddie.

Stevie had to touch her more. Eddie wrapped her hands around Stevie’s waist, void of all her usual rings. She squeezed down, fingers skipping over wet skin. It was so easy like this, so easy to lock both doors and do whatever they wanted to do.

“You taste so good,” Eddie sighed, moaning in the next second as Stevie very bravely allowed her hands to glide down to Eddie’s chest. She pulled back, asked for permission with one look. “Go ahead.”

Touching Eddie’s tits for the first time was a revelation. A moment. A fucking religious moment. Stevie rubbed soft thumbs over her nipples, watching them pebble despite the temperature of the water.

God. Okay. She really liked boobs, didn’t she?

“Can I?” Stevie asked, feeling like a drowned rat as she poured at Eddie. Please, please. Let her do it. “Can I use my mouth?”

It had to be out of Eddie’s comfort zone. It just had to be. She felt bad even asking.

But Eddie shuffled frantically, leaning against the shower wall. Almost as if she needed to move, as if she couldn’t help herself either. It was nice to know Stevie wasn’t alone in her franticness.

“Yeah,” She said, reaching up to push a hand into Stevie’s hair. A hand to help guide her. Fuck. “Yeah, do it.”

Stevie pressed her tongue flat over one nipple, lapping at it with her eyes closed. Water fell around her, so she couldn’t open her eyes if she wanted to. That wasn’t important. Eddie’s sounds of pleasure were far more important to her now, as she began to suck over the left nipple, softer than harder as Eddie began to grip her hair in a tight fist. The sting against her scalp felt almost too good, a sharp reminder that Stevie was doing something for Eddie this time. Helping her, serving her, worshipping her.

It was hot, it felt-

Fuck. Stevie had never been wetter. Not even from the water, from-

She grazed her teeth against Eddie’s nipple and earned a harsh tug, her mouth being pulled away in the very next second. Stevie whined, incapable to believing that she’d be denied of something she had just discovered she fucking loved. No, she needed to keep going. She needed to suck on Eddie’s nipples until they were raw and sensitive and- fuck, all puffy and red.

She moved to the other nipple and Eddie whimpered. That was it. Stevie couldn’t help it. She pressed against Eddie then, mouth moving over her breast, just to the side. She sucked at the skin, teeth imprinting as she tried her best to leave a hickey. Shower water got into her mouth but she didn’t care. Not with Eddie’s slim body arching beneath her, not with-

God, Stevie had to. Her thigh slipped between Eddie’s, smooth with the flow of water. It was something she had thought about before but never like this. Not in the shower they used every single day, not in a dorm full of people.

Her cunt was warm against Stevie’s skin, her hair a rough reminder. It was there, pressed against Stevie. Just out of reach. Stevie wanted to touch but she knew better than to pressure Eddie into something she didn’t want. Stevie was grateful she was getting to do this at all.

So she angled her thigh up and pushed, soft so as not to be too intimidating.

The sound Eddie let out was bliss to Stevie’s ears.

She detached again, admiring the deep purple bruise next to Eddie’s breast.

More. She needed to do more.

“This okay?” Stevie asked as Eddie’s hands glided smoothly to her ass, only reeling Stevie in closer. Fuck.

“This is so okay,” Her mumbled, lips cherry red as she pulled Stevie in for another kiss. They panted against each other as Eddie started to rub against Stevie. The angle was strange and it was slippery in here but- oh, Stevie could feel it too. The barest hint of skin to rub against, to get her clit just right. She was sensitive with it, her hips rubbing mindlessly against Eddie. Pressing noises into her pretty mouth, biting at her lips as if Stevie was feral now and couldn’t help herself. “Oh my god, oh my god.”

She’d never heard Eddie sound so out of control before. Her thighs were shaking against Stevie, her hands clinging under the water. Nails imprinting into tan skin, sure to leave some sort of mark.

Stevie could do this for ages. Until the water grew cold. It was more intense like this, knowing Eddie was getting off too. Knowing Eddie felt good because Stevie was doing something to her, warning her own orgasm. There was something to that line of thought, Stevie was sure of it. She just couldn’t dissect it right now. Not with Eddie pressed to a shower wall, fully naked and wet. Writhing beneath Stevie and moaning into the steamy air around them.

Stevie had such an urge to leave as many marks as possible.

Stevie bit at the side of her neck, teeth worrying over the flesh. More. She wanted to leave a visible mark this time, something everyone would see. Eddie didn’t stop her, tilting her neck over as her hips became frantic against Stevie. Almost as if-

It had only been a few minutes of this.

Surely not.

Stevie finished the hickey on Eddie’s neck, lips pressing softly to the bruise.

“Aren’t you so glad I chose to stay here with you?” Stevie asked in a whisper, licking over Eddie’s neck, dragging up to her ear. “We could do whatever you want. All night.”

She didn’t expect Eddie to just-

To just cum.

Stevie expected it to be harder. For it to take more time than this.

But her thighs clamped up hard, her back arching toward Stevie. Hands pushing Stevie’s mouth toward her tits until Stevie finally got the hint. She moaned into it, sucking at one nipple as Eddie came. She moaned loudly, louder than Stevie thought she would. Their roommates could probably hear. Who cared?

Stevie was almost sad about all the water.

She wanted to few how wet Eddie was.

Her orgasm lasted long, her body shaking as she slowly came down.

Stevie pulled away, eyes opening as she stared at Eddie. Struck with awe by the bliss on her face, her wet curls smattered to her forehead.

“Oh my god,” Eddie sighed, head thumping back into the shower wall. “Get out. Get on the bed. I’m gonna eat you out for that.”

Stevie smiled blissfully, not moving an inch.

Not until Eddie smacked her on the ass, sending a shriek through the bathroom.

Stevie had never been happier that Eddie was her roommate.

Chapter Text

Stevie had never felt like this in her life.

It was like a high that she couldn’t quite grasp. She felt both elated and terrified, her feelings bubbling over in one instance and simmering down in the next second. She had no clue where to go from here, from the knowledge that she was regularly sleeping with another woman and didn’t feel the need to stop anytime soon.

It didn’t help that her mothers words were on a resounding track in her brain, running on repeat like Stevie just absolutely needed to hear them again. And again and again, haunting her every waking moment. Stevie knew how bad it probably looked, all those photos that had been posted online. The bar she had gone to, the people she was surrounding herself with.

She just couldn’t find it in herself to care. And that part was scary.

If you asked her how she felt about queer people growing up, she wouldn’t have had an answer. The concept didn’t really exist to her. It just wasn’t a thing in the Harrington circle. She was sure that she’d never been particularly nasty about the concept but she hadn’t been nice either. Maybe she’d had a handful of passing thoughts about making one’s life more difficult or- or god, what was it like to be outspoken and free and not tethered to every single social move your parents made? It was the same reason Stevie envied every weird kid she had ever met. She was kept under lock and key growing up. Forced into trend diets and exercises that only wore her out more after every busy day. Putting on a face for her mother that never looked quite right, pretending to be happy all the time. Because if anyone saw her look even a little bit sad, that would be the hypothetical end of Stevie.

Getting out from under her mothers shadow was a fucking blessing.

Stevie could eat what she wanted, take days off when she wasn’t feeling it, go to bed late, hang out with whoever she wanted. Her mom couldn’t do shit about it now and that was the part that had Stevie’s heart beating the hardest.

Her father didn’t care.

He didn’t care that Stevie liked to spend her time with queer kids. Or that she now frequented the type of establishments that her mother hated. Hell, he’d even called her back a few days ago. Of his own volition. So there was that.

It was another barrier broken, another thing upturned. Because now there was no point, right? All that hiding Stevie had been doing…why? Why did she need to? And that was even scarier. Knowing she had no real reason to hide now.

Stevie wasn’t spiraling about it.

Only she definitely was. So that meant she had to talk to someone.

Robin.

Obviously, Robin.

Stevie didn’t mean to make the whole thing so dramatic. She was having a normal day, minus all of the spiraling thoughts. She couldn’t help it anymore. Now that she had somehow found her niche in each class, it seemed like her social life was sort of…going off the rails.

It was raining when she decided to show up at Robin’s dorm. She had forgotten her umbrella before all her classes, water soaking her in mere seconds as she made her way back to the dorms. It felt kind of cathartic. Stevie had been pretty numb over the past few days, unable to express whatever emotions were tumbling around inside her. And that was the biggest issue. The person she wanted to talk to most was off limits. Eddie wasn’t an option for this because….well, how was Stevie supposed to talk to her when they weren’t fooling around? Were they even close like that?

Steve knocked on Robin’s door, her nerves getting the best of her. Maybe this wasn’t her brightest idea.

She knocked twice and waited, feeling pretty awful. What if Robin was busy? What if she had Chrissy over? Oh god, Stevie hadn’t even thought about that possibility. She was so fucking rude-

The door swung open and revealed a frowning Robin, dressed in her usual carebear pajamas.

“Stevie?” She asked, sounding very confused.

Which, yeah. Her friend was standing outside her room, soaking wet.

“I think I like girls,” Stevie said in one breath, her heart trying it’s best to beat right out of her chest. It was stupid, she knew it was. Of course, the whole thing was obvious. How long had she been messing around with Eddie now? It wasn’t- and Robin was just going to laugh and go, no duh. Dumbfuck. It’s kind of clear that you like girls. “Like- I like girls. I don’t even think I like boys.”

Stevie was only half aware that she was crying, her mouth shaking with the movement as she began to panic. This was it. Saying it out loud felt sort of surreal.

“Oh,” Robin said, her face twisting sympathetically. “Why don’t you come in and dry off?”

—

“So, was Eddie the catalyst or is this something you’ve always sort of known?” Robin asked, sitting across from Stevie on her bed. Thank god her roommate was out. Stevie couldn’t bear anyone else seeing this type of mental breakdown. Is that what it was? She didn’t really feel like she was losing it. She felt shaky and off kilter but…there was some relief there too.

“I don’t know,” Stevie said, rolling a bottle of water between her hands. Something to focus on. “I guess…I never understood why other girls were so boy obsessed? Like. Not in a mean way or anything. It just never- I never understood and I felt left out when they would gossip about boys at school and I couldn’t relate. I had a boyfriend before. I would…I would avoid him as much as possible and my excuse was that my mom was- well, my mom. Can’t fool around if your mom is crazy, right?”

Stevie didn’t feel bad saying it. It was true. Her mother constantly reminded her just how risky it was to be alone with boys. And even more than that, how bad it looked. It was why Stevie had carried such deep shame for so long.

“No posters on the walls? No model crushes? Actresses?” Robin asked with an easy smile. It wasn’t so terrible like this. Stevie liked that Robin wasn’t making fun of her or grilling her.

“Maybe? I dunno, I was really into wrestling for a bit,” Robin let out a cackle and Stevie smiled through her reddening cheeks. God. This actually felt good. “But then Eddie came along and kind of-“

“Swung at you with her dyke super powers?” Robin asked with a smirk. “Yeah, that happens sometimes. I’m glad you came to me, by the way. I could tell it was weighing on you.”

Steve let out a weak laugh, more self deprecating than anything else.

“I think I just…can’t do it anymore,” She admitted with a sigh. “Can’t keep pretending. My dad doesn’t care. My mom does. Oh well. I made a girl orgasm last week, so. I feel like I owe myself some honesty there.”

There was an argument that sexuality was fluid and she didn’t need to worry about any of this. Sure. But this was more for Stevie. Admitting this felt like taking a knife to her stomach. Everything would be different now because she told someone. She had a-

“I changed my tinder,” Stevie said abruptly. “Because I- I don’t know. I only know Eddie? Is that bad?”

She needed confirmation that she wasn’t being….what? A slut? Eddie proudly proclaimed that she was a slut pretty regularly. Maybe it was Stevie’s turn to be one.

Or maybe she was just trying to distract herself from her tumultuous relationship with Eddie.

Whatever.

“Oh?” Robin asked, squinting like she was hedging around asking something. “Does Eddie know?”

Ah.

“Yeah,” Stevie said, half caught between a shrug and a grimace. “Yeah, sort of. I mean, she probably doesn’t think I’ll use it. I probably won’t. I’m kind of a coward.”

Robin frowned.

Stevie wasn’t quite sure why.

“Or you could use it,” She said, a little too easily to not be suspicious. “Don’t get me wrong. I really like Eddie-“ Oh no, where was this going? “But you spend a lot of time with her. And that’s fine! You’re an adult, you can spend your time however you like. But maybe you should…get out there. Now that you’re more comfortable.”

Was she more comfortable?

“What if I’m wrong?” Stevie asked in a whisper, turning the idea over in her head. It didn’t sound great but she wasn’t sure why. “What if- what if I’m wrong and it really is just Eddie?”

“Then you have an exception,” Robin said with a shrug. “Or maybe you only think it’s Eddie because you’re rightfully scared to talk to anyone else. Yeah? Does that sound about right?”

Ugh.

Stevie was sure that wasn’t- okay, maybe a little bit.

“She just gets me,” Stevie mumbled, looking down and away for the moment. She felt embarrassed like this. For a lot of reasons. “I’m not sure I entirely get her though. She doesn’t talk about herself that much.”

Robin hummed as if she had more to say.

“So ask her about herself,” She reached out to rest a palm over Stevie’s restless hands. “You’re friends. You and I ask each other questions all the time. Eddie isn’t an asshole. If she doesn’t want to answer, she’ll tell you.”

Yeah. Okay. Fine, that sounded- that sounded alright. What more could Stevie lose? Eddie was unlikely to tell her to go fuck herself. She’d been honest about Sam once Stevie had finally asked. She told Stevie little tidbits about her all the time. Stevie was just….worrying for no reason.

Robin was right.

“You’re a good friend,” Stevie said, still feeling pretty moody. “You wanna look at some tinder girls with me?”

Robin laughed and flopped down beside her on the bed.

—

Stevie wasn’t doing so great with the dating thing. She was trying. Like, actually. She really was trying her best to talk to girls and see what she liked. Only, the process was difficult when her roommate was so fucking hot.

It made Stevie a little insane.

And to make matters worse, her and Eddie hadn’t stopped doing things. Okay, they had. For the week. Because they both had essays to finish and tests to take and shit but- but that didn’t matter. Eddie kissed Stevie every time she came back to the dorm and every morning before she left for class. That was a thing now, apparently.

They weren’t normal kisses.

If Stevie had to categorize them, she would say that they were otherworldly, life redefining kisses. Or rather, Eddie was fond of pressing Stevie against their door and groping her tits as she sucked on Stevie’s tongue.

It was a lot to take in first thing in the morning.

Eddie would blame Stevie’s pajamas. Or her hair. Or her lipstick. Or her general presence.

Stevie didn’t want to feel so giddy. She really didn’t. But it was like she couldn’t help it, finding excuses to get back to her dorm in time to see Eddie before bedtime. Waking up a little earlier, just so she wouldn’t miss Eddie before class.

So much for talking to other girls.

Stevie really was trying.

Robin and her must have scrolled through every girl on campus and the neighboring town. Or at least it felt that way. Stevie wasn’t even sure what she was into, so there was no real scale for her to measure against.

It felt wrong to swipe on anyone with dark, curly hair. Not for any particular reason. Stevie just kept gravitating toward other blonde-ish brunettes or- or redheads. With straight hair. Maybe. For no reason.

Robin had definitely noticed.

Still. Stevie was shocked to get any matches at all. Let alone for a few girls to message her first. Stevie had figured she wouldn’t be anybodies type.

Stevie found it nearly impossible to talk to other girls. It made her far more nervous than talking to men ever made her. Which probably said a lot. She hadn’t changed her account yet, only because…again. What if she was wrong?

At least girls weren’t as gross as some of the men who had previously messaged her.

There was one in particular that Stevie kept staring at. Lisa. An art major that went to their school, with short blonde hair and a wide smile. Her profile photo showed her standing in paint covered overalls, gesturing wildly to a painting that she must have done herself. It was impressive.

She was cute.

Stevie was not going to compare her to dark brown eyes or dimples.

She wasn’t.

Lisa messaged her first.

It was a simple hello, asking about her day, proclaiming that Stevie was beautiful, etc.

It was nice. So why did the whole thing feel so empty to Stevie? Like, yeah. Lisa was very cute. But she also wasn’t- it didn’t matter. Maybe Stevie did have a type.

She replied anyway. The conversation started off from there and Stevie found that Lisa was actually pretty funny. They texted back and forth for the entire day, leading up to Stevie’s impromptu dinner.

It all started with Eddie shouldering her way into the room, her guitar case clanking against the wall.

Stevie looked up, noticing the frown that was already etched on Eddie’s face. Huh.

“Hey,” Stevie greeted, pulling her headphones out and turning her phone screen off. Eddie sat her guitar down with a heavy sigh, rubbing her eyes in the next second. Her hair was up but messy, her clothes disheveled. “Are you okay?”

Eddie floundered for a moment.

“Just- you look tired.”

Stevie hadn’t meant to call her out.

Eddie usually came back to the dorm cheerful and happy. She usually kissed Stevie as soon as she came into the room.

“Yeah,” Eddie said distractedly as she sat her bag down on her bed. “Had a bad day, I guess. I’m- I’m stuck on a song and it’s- it’s not important.”

Oh.

“Of course it is,” Stevie said, finally sitting up to face Eddie. She fell onto her own bed, eyes looking shadowed. Stevie wondered if she’d slept at all last night. “You- you can talk about it, if you’d like. I’m all ears.”

The look Eddie gave her was strange. Soft but exhausted in nature. There something hidden behind her eyes that Stevie couldn’t quite figure out. But what else was new?

“I know you are,” Eddie mumbled. “I’m trying to work on some lyrics and they’re not bad but- I guess I thought it would be easier. I’m used to writing guitar parts, not actual singing. I’m not the best singer ever.”

Stevie had heard her hum enough before. There was no way Eddie was a bad singer. Still, she knew saying so was unlikely to help much.

“You wanna play it for me? See if I can help?” Stevie asked, trying to hide just how eager she was. She didn’t want to freak Eddie out too much.

“I….” Eddie gaped at Stevie, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. So why did she look so uncomfortable? “I’m not sure if- I think I’m a little embarrassed? So. Maybe not today.”

Oh.

Be a supportive friend, Stevie.

“That’s okay!” She said, her voice going high pitched. She cleared her throat, cheeks hot as she tried to move smoothly past the subject. “You- I mean, do you want a distraction?”

The look Eddie gave her was priceless.

“Not- I didn’t mean like that,” Stevie said with emphasis. “I’m not some kind of- of horny monster, oh my god. I meant we could go get dinner or something. My treat.”

More like her dads treat. But Stevie was sure Eddie knew that already.

“I’d…” Please don’t say no. Stevie wasn’t sure if she could take the rejection today. She wasn’t even sure why she was feeling so sensitive. “I’d like that, yeah. Get my mind off of this for a little while. You’re so sweet.”

Oh.

Stevie truly hated her reaction to that.

Full body goosebumps and a blush that made her feel kind of dizzy.

“I’m really not,” Stevie bit her lip and looked down, disarmed by Eddie’s gaze once again. She was just so hard to look in the eye sometimes. “So, the diner? Does that sound okay?”

It was the first time Eddie had grinned since she’d come back to the dorm.

—

Stevie actually loved making Eddie laugh. She had never been a particularly funny person before. Or maybe too many people had convinced her that she was too vapid to be funny. Either way, she loved watching Eddie smile with big dimples as Stevie told her a story about the time she ripped her shorts during the talent section of a pageant.

“I almost can’t imagine you in a pageant,” Eddie said, tilting her head as she watched Stevie closely. Examining her, almost. “Like I see it. You’re stupidly pretty. But you’re not….what I would expect.”

Stevie rolled her eyes lightly.

“That’s because you think all pageant girls are idiots,” Eddie’s mouth dropped open in delighted shock. “You actually have to have pretty good grades to go far, you know. Which is why I never went that far. Maybe I’m just an idiot.”

It was a self deprecating joke. Eddie frowned at her, picking a fry off her plate and throwing it at Stevie.

“Shut the fuck up,” She said as Stevie laughed much too loud for a small diner. Oh well. Not like she knew anyone here anyway. “You’re so smart. You’re a genius. I’ll spank you.”

Stevie felt her entire body heat up, eyes going wide involuntarily.

“You’re ridiculous,” She said, just so she could avoid whatever that was. She felt like she discovered something new about herself every single week. Usually due to Eddie being a complete menace. “I’m like, valley girl smart.”

“You’re not from the valley,” Eddie said, smile simmering down into a new softness. “You’re a little hick, if anything.”

Stevie gasped, beyond offended. Only not really.

“I think you mean southern belle,” She said, holding a delicate hand to her chest. “I took etiquette classes, Eddie Munson. I’m a good girl.”

Eddie smirked at Stevie, stretching one leg out beneath the table to bump their feet together.

“That’s so hot,” Eddie said, even moaning a little. Stevie gave her a startled look, bursting into a shocked giggle. “Keep going, I’m almost there. Do you know which fork to use first? Can you balance books on your head?”

“I can run in heels,” Stevie said, unable to stop laughing now. She felt silly and light hearted, her phone a light buzz on the table. She ignored it. “If that helps.”

Eddie licked her lips salaciously. God.

“That definitely helps,” Eddie said, leaning forward now. Her leg moved, sadly. Stevie already missed the contact. “I could totally fuck you in them-“

It took a split second for Eddie’s eyes to go completely round. Stevie almost didn’t catch it before Eddie ducked down completely in her seat, the top of her head barely visible over the table.

What the actual fuck?

Stevie stared at Eddie, waiting for some type of-

Stevie glanced around the diner, already noticing a group of three girls who had just walked in.

Oh.

Oh my god.

“Are- are you kidding me?” Stevie hissed, leaning over the table so Eddie could hear her. They were far enough away but if they walked by, they’d definitely see Eddie. “Is it an ex this time?”

This was funny. Only it wasn’t funny at all.

Stevie wasn’t sure why she was surprised that Eddie would be hiding from a girl.

“Not really-“ Eddie whispered back, peering up at Stevie for a moment. “I don’t know if I’d call her an ex. If wasn’t-“

“Like that?” Steve asked drily as she watched the group of girls take their seats. “The redhead is facing away, if it’s her. I’m gonna assume it is.”

For no real reason. She just seemed to be the prettiest out of the three.

“Okay,” Eddie said, popping back up a moment later. “First of all, why are you assuming it’s her?”

Oh, Eddie.

“You’re shallow,” Stevie said with a plastic smile, inclined to be a bit bitchy. Sue her, her cute moment was ruined. “And she‘s incredibly attractive.”

Eddie made a face at Stevie. Very mature.

“Well, she’s also nuts,” Eddie said with a grimace. Stevie knew exactly where this was going. “And no, I’m not just saying that. She tried to key my fucking van.”

Tried?

“And….was there a reason?” Stevie asked, carefully watching the group of girls. Eddie managed to sink back into her seat again, just less low this time. It was only a little amusing.

“Why would there be a reason?”

Stevie gave Eddie another dry look.

“Fine,” Eddie said, looking a lot like a kicked puppy. She was good at looking innocent. “She…may have been under the illusion that we were an item. For a period of time. And then-“ Uh oh, here it goes. “She walked in on me and…her friend.”

Stevie snorted louder than necessary, almost gaining the attention of the girls. Eddie glared heartily at her.

“And she thought the two of you were dating?” Stevie asked, clearly a rhetorical question. “Yeah, I would have keyed your van too.”

Eddie crossed her arms, looking grumpier by the second.

“It’s not like I wanted to hurt her feelings,” She defended herself. It wasn’t a good look but Stevie was still so easily enamored by Eddie. Ugh. “Stop looking at me like that, I won’t be slut shamed.”

She really was effortlessly funny.

“No shaming here,” Stevie joked. “Do you think maybe it would be easier if you stopped fucking peoples friends? And moms?”

Eddie gave her another long look, chewing on her tongue. It was a good question. An excellent one, really.

“You’re someone’s friend,” Eddie said, being pedantic on purpose. Stevie very nearly rolled her eyes. “And I fuck you on a regular basis, so. Are you suggesting I stop?”

Oh my god.

“You’ve made it very clear that you haven’t fucked me yet,” Stevie said sweetly, almost tempted to actually get the other tables attention just to fuck with Eddie. Almost. “Or do you have another Stevie on standby? I wouldn’t be shocked.”

Eddie looked overly intrigued. That was always the worst part. No matter how bitchy Stevie was, Eddie just seemed more into it. She’d never had a….relationship like this before. Where she didn’t always have to worry about being the most polite girl in the room. Where someone actually laughed at her antics.

“There’s definitely only one you,” Eddie threw a wink in for good measure. “No one else could be as-“

“Stopping you there,” Stevie interrupted with a serene smile. She didn’t need Eddie to wax fake poetics about her while one of her exes sat across the restaurant. That would just make her feel more sour. “How exactly do you accidentally fuck someone’s friend?”

Eddie deflated, huffing out a breath as she rested her chin on one hand.

“I didn’t say it was accidental,” She said, lifting her brows pointedly. “I was sleeping with the redhead and we went to her apartment a lot and I kind of met her friend there, the friend hit on me, I thought why not? More for me-“ Stevie was in awe, she really was. “What? Did I say something wrong?”

It was almost funny how Eddie couldn’t quite see it. On one hand, there was no real issue with how Eddie conducted herself. She was an adult with full autonomy and free will. On the other, she definitely had a talent for getting herself into sticky situations. Stevie had a lot of questions but she felt that none of them would be appropriate. She didn’t want to make Eddie think she was actually shaming her. She just….wondered.

“Nope,” Stevie said, pushing back a smile. “Go on. You slept with her friend and-“

“And she walked in on us-“

“Yeah, that seems to happen to you a lot.”

Eddie glared at her half heartedly.

“Only a few times,” She admitted sarcastically. “She started crying, the two of them got into it and- and I blocked both their numbers. Just kind of….I kind of dipped. I’m not proud of myself.”

Stevie really hated that Eddie was funny.

“Oh? Not even a little bit? How often do you split up friend groups?” Stevie asked, trying her best to not flirt. It was incredibly hard.

“Not often,” Eddie said defensively. “But she was pretty mad at me. Tried to key my van and one of my friends caught her and…it was a whole thing. I’ve lived a long life.”

Yeah, it sounded like it.

Stevie still wondered.

“Do you ever get tired of it?” Stevie asked, voice going quiet for a second. She wasn’t trying to get too serious but- yeah, she kind of wanted to know.

“Tired of what?”

Eddie looked unsuspecting, unbothered.

“Do you get tired of…” Stevie shrugged like it didn’t matter. It didn’t really. “Meaningless sex? Not that- I’m sure it has lots of meaning. But it’s messy and you’re hiding from one of your exes right now because you’re scared of her, so. I’m just curious. Do you ever get tired of it?”

Eddie didn’t look offended. Stevie was glad, the knot in her throat made her more than nervous.

“I guess so,” Eddie said, appearing to really think about it. “I don’t think I’m a good girlfriend.”

Oh.

“Why?” Stevie asked, a feeling of dread closing in on her. Surely it wasn’t- “Is it a like- a commitment issue?”

This was probably one of the worst conversations to have right now. It wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg and Eddie still looked clueless.

“I would never cheat on someone I’m dating,” Eddie said very seriously, her brow furrowing. “I’m not- I know I’m kind of an asshole but- but I would never do that. Do I seem like I would do that?”

Uh oh.

“No!” Stevie rushed to say, heart pounding. She hated feeing like she had hurt someone’s feelings. Especially if she liked the person. “I was just- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Her cheeks were too hot. And not in a good way.

Eddie seemed to notice, frowning as she reached across the table to rest her hand on top of Stevie’s.

“Hey,” Eddie said softly. “You don’t have to apologize, I’m not upset. I wasn’t- it’s not that. I just think I’m selfish? Like I enjoy my alone time and I’m kind of….I have attention issues and I can barely take care of myself.”

It was so odd.

Stevie felt like she was getting broke up with.

How do you get broken up with if you’re not even dating the other person?

“Does that make sense?”

Unfortunately, it did.

“Yeah,” Stevie said, her throat oddly dry. “It does.”

There was an awkward silence.

This was probably the worst part for Stevie. She felt pitied and delusional. This wasn’t- no, she didn’t even want that. She didn’t want anything from Eddie. Hearing everything she had suspected out loud was…

Not really new, was it? Eddie had already kind of said it all before. Stevie had just ignored it.

“What about you?” Eddie asked, clearing her throat and pulling her hand away from Stevie. The link between them broke and Stevie tried to move on from it. She was just having a hard time looking at Eddie now.

“What about me?”

She didn’t know what Eddie was asking.

“What about- like, dating? Do you think you’d be a good girlfriend?”

It felt like a cruel question. Stevie knew Eddie didn’t mean for it to be. Still, it cut like a knife and Stevie could only find honesty spilling out.

“I think I would be the best girlfriend ever,” She admitted, voice hushed and very obviously sad. Was it obvious? She didn’t want it to be. This entire thing was so stupid. “My parents are divorced, have been for a while. They never got along growing up. Lots of fighting, yelling. Control. And I..I just let myself sink into this idea. This kind of….I don’t know, this idealistic thing. Romantic movies, tv shows. Shit that doesn’t exist in real life. I’ve always thought that if I was good enough, someone might love me like one of those girls in the movies. But that’s- that’s kind of stupid.”

Stevie chanced a look up at Eddie.

She wasn’t even looking at Stevie.

She was staring at the table across the restaurant. Seemingly lost in thought. Or worse.

“I don’t think it’s stupid at all,” Eddie replied a few seconds later, frowning in thought. She was heartbreakingly pretty in this lighting. “I think you’re a lot sweeter than most people. You should get whatever you want.”

From whoever she wanted, right?

The sentiment was lost on Stevie.

Suddenly, she didn’t want to talk anymore.

“Yeah,” Stevie agreed, clearing her throat. She felt uncomfortable now, as if she had breached some sort of secret line. She didn’t know how to get past it now, so she could only try to distract herself. “You want me to help you sneak out the side door?”

Eddie’s grin was worth it. It always was.

—

Stevie was having a difficult time adjusting to this new….thing. The Thing being….being hit on by other women. It was odd. She liked it, she really liked it but she wasn’t used to it. No matter how hard she tried to block out the internal monologue that sounded a lot like her mother, Stevie found that she kept sabotaging herself at every corner.

They weren’t tall enough. Stevie hated feeling like a giant. They didn’t have the same humor as her. What was she supposed to do when they didn’t laugh at her sarcasm? They didn’t like the same things as her. What were they supposed to talk about if they shared zero interests?

To add insult to injury, Stevie had taken Robin’s advice on asking Eddie questions. Just…maybe not in the way Robin had expected.

“Do you like horror movies?” Stevie asked nonchalantly, staring down at her phone and frowning. Ugh. She hadn’t really meant to ask but….well, the question just kind of slipped out.

Eddie looked up from her sheet music, answering almost automatically, “Yeah, of course. Fucking love horror.”

Ugh.

Of course.

See, Stevie had been texting a girl and…Stevie loved a scary movie. Ever since she was little. There was something about the building tension, the fear. She just loved it.

A girl had asked Stevie on a date. To the movie theater. But then she said she couldn’t do horror and…maybe that wasn’t compatible for a relationship. It definitely wasn’t, Stevie decided. She wasn’t sure that she could date someone who never wanted to watch scary movies. So, no. She couldn’t talk to this specific girl.

It only got worse from there.

Another girl told Stevie she loved her hair and that was fine. But then she said Stevie had a ‘killer body’ and that had given Stevie the ick. It made zero sense. It was a perfectly fine compliment.

And yet again, she had to ask Eddie.

“How would you describe my body?”

They were cuddling, watching a show on Eddie’s laptop.

“A goddess,” Eddie said, sighing dreamily. Stevie felt her eyes roll despite the blush to her cheeks. “The Divine woman. Gorgeous, beautiful, softer than a flower-“

“Oh my god, shut up.”

Stevie shut her up with a kiss.

It made no sense to her. How could Eddie say the most ridiculous things and it was all good and fine and okay and Stevie- Stevie couldn’t take it seriously from anyone else? She was drowning in the trenches, trying her best to retain some sort of interest in someone else. Anyone else.

Well, in other girls.

That was the whole point of this, wasn’t it? Trying new things, gaining life experience. Not being hung up on your roommate or something.

She was talking to one girl now. Just one girl, narrowed down from the rest. The same girl from before. Lisa.

She was cute. Nice. Seemed to be pretty driven. And she wanted to meet up with Stevie. The concept of dating wasn’t completely foreign to Stevie but….dates with girls. That was new.

How was she supposed to act? What was she supposed to wear? Stevie knew that Lisa wanted to go to a local bar and have a drink. Just one drink. Stevie wasn’t sure how good of a first date it was but she didn’t mind how casual the idea was. She felt as though the concept of getting dressed up and going to dinner was….almost too much.

It only reminded her of every time Eddie and she had gone to their diner. And god, now she was referring to it as ‘their’ diner. Yeah, she needed to get out.

Lisa met her there, dressed in a cute blue skirt and shirt combo. She really was-

Not Stevie’s type. Maybe?

“Oh my god,” Lisa said, her eyes bright as Stevie walked up to her. “You’re so much taller in person. You’re like a goddess.”

Oh.

Maybe Stevie did like that compliment.

Maybe it was just because- absolutely not.

No thinking about Eddie tonight.

—

“And then I thought maybe I’d get out of it by lying,” Lisa wrinkled her nose up, playing with the straw in her drink. “Which is never good. I’m not the best liar around.”

Stevie did like that Lisa seemed to enjoy talking. It was nice to not have to carry the conversation, something that she found herself doing too much around men. And she wasn’t even sure why she was comparing Lisa to men. That was a bit silly. Of course this was different. Why wouldn’t it be?

She was polite. She had a background in music and dance. She had pretty hair and sparkly eyes.

Stevie thought she would make a great friend.

“Me neither,” Stevie huffed out a laugh. “I pretty much get caught in a lie every other week.”

It was true, mostly. Stevie was good at hiding things, especially from her mom. Historically, she had always had to hide whatever she could from her mother. But she wasn’t good at masking her emotions, so that led to blights of lying. Pretending she was comfortable and okay with things. Real life shit. Or sometimes wearing heels that were a size too small, so that her mom might not notice.

Her mom never did. But other people did. Often. Wasn’t that the point? Stevie could lie but she wasn’t an expert in it. Robin read her emotions and thoughts all the time. So then why did Eddie seem so clueless to them? It wasn’t like Stevie could blame her. She had purposely shut Eddie out again and again, for fear of….what? What exactly?

Stevie didn’t like thinking about it too much. Especially after what Eddie had admitted in the diner. It was nothing new. Eddie had admitted before that she didn’t like dating.

What had Stevie expected?

“Oh yeah? Like what?” Lisa asked. She was sweet, trying to wring something out of nothing. Stevie felt immensely bad for coming on this date tonight. She really needed to salvage it.

“Plenty of things,” Stevie said, leaning in flirtatiously. “But I definitely didn’t lie about you being cute.”

Lisa blushed bright red. It was so odd to be on the other end, to not be as affected as the other person for once.

“Are you hitting on me?” Lisa joked lightly, biting her lip. She’d slid in the booth next to Stevie, a bold movie that Stevie wouldn’t have had the guts to make. Everything about Lisa was pretty bold. Maybe that was why she had gotten further than all the other girls.

“I might be,” Stevie murmured. Even if she wasn’t intellectually attracted to Lisa, the girl was still very pretty. Stevie wouldn’t mind- “Can I kiss you now?”

Lisa smiled softly, leaning ever closer.

—

Stevie had to leave Lisa behind. She briefly thought about it. About taking up the invitation to go back to her apartment. About sleeping with Lisa. They made out in their little booth, one of Stevie’s hands resting on Lisa’s thigh as they kissed. It wasn’t-

It didn’t do anything for Stevie.

Not really.

Like, obviously it did. It turned her on but- but there was still that strange disconnect. That looming shape behind her closed eyes that looked a whole lot like Eddie.

Stevie couldn’t stop thinking about her.

She popped up when Stevie least expected her to. During every single class, when Stevie was out with other friends. When Stevie was kissing another girl and trying her best to feel something, to connect some sort of emotion to the action. It wasn’t right and she knew it. Lisa didn’t deserve that. The girl had already said she was looking for a relationship, not just for someone to fool around with. She had more experience than Stevie. She wanted more than a fling.

Stevie wasn’t even sure what she wanted.

She just knew that Lisa didn’t feel the same beneath her hands and that was enough for Stevie to end the night. Lisa was nice about it, agreeing to text Stevie whenever she could. Maybe it could turn into something more, Stevie wasn’t sure.

But she had to go back to her dorms with her tail between her legs, head fixated beneath a perpetual metaphorical raincloud.

She hated feeling like this.

And yet, as soon as she opened the door and found Eddie, Stevie felt better.

It sucked.

Eddie sat on her bed, strumming away at her guitar.

And singing. Actually singing.

She abruptly cut herself off as soon as Stevie entered the room, eyes going round as she scanned over Stevie’s outfit. Stevie wondered how obvious it was that she had just been on a date.

Eddie didn’t say anything.

“You don’t have to stop,” Stevie said, her throat going dry. “I can- I can go to the lobby and wait or- I can- Robin-“

“No,” Eddie interrupted, cheeks tinting pink. “Don’t go. I- I didn’t expect you to come back tonight.”

The sentence was odd to Stevie. Pointed but not rude. It made Stevie wonder if Eddie had speculated correctly in her own head and came to the right conclusion.

“Oh,” Stevie said, sliding her shoes off and making her way across the room. “You should keep singing. I’ve always wanted to hear your voice.”

It sounded a touch too intimate for such a random moment. Stevie couldn’t help herself, her feelings all raw and frayed.

“You have?” Eddie asked, voice going gentle as Stevie stood across the room from her. She couldn’t make herself move. Not to sit down, not to leave. Nothing. All she could do was stare at Eddie and think about how she’d left Lisa at the bar with a kiss on the cheek. “I mean- I guess- yeah, I could-“

“Please?”

Stevie wasn’t above using her powers.

She was beginning to learn that they worked like a charm.

Eddie cleared her throat and gave Stevie an intense look.

Her voice was clear but husky, somehow a juxtaposition between the two. A nice alto, nothing too high. Crisp and enunciated as she finally sang to Stevie.

‘There’s a place that fits two, from the bottom of my ribs, and I keep you locked tightly, where no one else exists. It’s simple and easy, it’s clean but it stings. I won’t ever forget, the way you remember me.”

Stevie stood stock still as the long verse came to a close far too quickly. Eddie’s hands had already stilled. The tips of her ears were pink, her hands shaky as she lowered them. There was this feeling, this deep ache in Stevie’s guts. In what world could one ever be so lucky to have a song written about them by a girl like Eddie? What was that like?

Stevie’s chest hurt.

“That’s- I guess- it’s not done. Obviously, it’s not done-“ Eddie snorted indelicately. “Gotta have like, more than a fifth of a song for it to be done-“

“I like your voice,” Stevie said, possessed by some sort of need to- to what? To walk up to Eddie? To creep ever closer and loom over her and- “I like when you talk but I think I think I like it even more when you sing.”

Eddie stared up at Stevie, her mouth halfway open.

The silence was thick.

“Did you got on a date tonight?” Eddie asked, voice hushed as Stevie reached down for her guitar. Eddie let it happen, frozen in place as Stevie placed it carefully against her dresser. She looked at it as if she couldn’t figure out how it had even gotten there.

“Maybe,” Stevie shrugged, already climbing on top of Eddie. It was easy like this, to just slide right onto her lap. To feel the press of worn down denim against her thighs as her skirt split apart and Stevie- “Maybe I just left my date.”

“Yeah?” Eddie tried to ask but Stevie was one step ahead, already pulling her into a kiss. It was soft, lips sliding against one another as Eddie’s brain finally began to play catch up. She reached for Stevie then, a hand to her waist and one to her jaw. She licked against Stevie’s bottom lip, tongue curing hot into her mouth. Stevie could taste candy and cigarettes on her breath but she didn’t really care. Eddie was Eddie. She licked over Stevie’s teeth, catching against her canine tooth with a low moan. Stevie only angled further into Eddie, mouth closing softly over her bottom lip and biting down. Tugging at it, leaving the indention of her teeth behind.

Stevie stole the breath right from her lungs, hands pulling Eddie in by her messy hair as she tugged at the strands to guide her along. Eddie allowed it to happen, body soft beneath Stevie. Willing and ready, gasping into her mouth as they kissed. This was- this was better than Lisa. This was better than anyone.

Eddie’s hands moved, gliding over Stevie’s chest. Right to her breasts, squeezing over her bra, thumbs brushing the indent of her hard nipples through too much fabric.

Stevie pulled away, lips so slick that they almost hurt.

“What’d I do to deserve that?” Eddie asked breathlessly, pushing her hands up under Stevie’s shirt. She was so smooth like this, reaching around to easily unbutton Stevie’s bra. It was a careful reminder, another one. Eddie was like this. Stevie didn’t mind so much when she benefited from it.

“Been thinking about you,” Stevie sighed, pressing her chest into Eddie’s hands. Her palms were warm, cupping Stevie’s tits as best as she could. They spilled out the sides and Eddie groaned, eyes going unfocused. “Thinking about your hands, your mouth.”

Stevie emphasized her point by pressing the pad of her thumb to Eddie’s lips. Eddie kept eye contact with her, mouth opening as she licked the digit, teeth scraping over Stevie’s knuckle as she- oh god, as she sucked on it.

Stevie was mesmerized.

“Was she not interesting enough?” Eddie asked as soon as she pulled away from Stevie’s hand. She moved forward, pushing Stevie’s shirt and bra up until she got the hint and tore the items of clothing off and threw them aside. Stevie sat in her skirt, topless and waiting. Eddie kissed her collarbone, pushing her breasts together as she got lower and lower. Breath ghosting over one nipple and then the other. “Not your type?”

Stevie’s eyes rolled back as Eddie took one nipple into her mouth, the heat so familiar but still unbelievable. Stevie jerked forward, whining as Eddie sucked on her nipple.

“Not exactly,” Stevie admitted in a strained voice. Her hands had made their way to Eddie’s hair, curling into the strands without thought. Eddie only groaned as Stevie pulled much too hard, nails digging into her scalp. She couldn’t help it, it felt- “Too good, that feels- too good.”

Eddie’s tongue was so clever, flicking at the tip of her nipple until Stevie was sure that she was absolutely soaking through her panties. And maybe she had chosen them specifically for Eddie, something black and lacy and not at all nostalgic.

Maybe Stevie had just known exactly where she would end up tonight.

“Yeah? Does it?” Eddie asked rhetorically as she pulled away again, teeth digging soft into her collarbone. Just a little bite, just-

“Gimme a hickey,” Stevie groaned, hips shifting like she wanted to grind down. Oh, she wished Eddie had her strap on. She wished she could rub her cunt against it, get some relief for the heat building up inside of her. “A big one. Bruise me.”

Eddie made a half feral noise, mouth latching onto the inside of one breast, tongue beginning to lap at the skin between hard sucks. It pulled a groan deep from Stevie’s chest, the pain so visceral that she had to- she just had to lean into it. Had to press Eddie’s face closer until she got the hint.

“Make it hurt,” Stevie whimpered, so wet that she could actually feel it now. “Oh- oh god- that’s-“

Eddie bit her then, teeth harder than Stevie expected. It hurt, it really did. But it also felt good, blindingly so. She shook against Eddie, her whole body full of tremors as Eddie finally detached and licked over the massive mark she had left.

It was deranged just how much Stevie loved it.

“Gotta-“ Eddie said frantically, hands slipping over Stevie, pushing her skirt up and her panties aside. “Oh, you’re fucking dripping.”

Stevie hated that she had to say it like that. Embarrassing, out loud. So fucking true that she couldn’t even hide from it. Not that she wanted to. Eddie’s fingers slid slick over her, slipping over Stevie’s clit and rubbing without any pretense. Just pure want and need and fuck, Stevie had to buck her hips. Had to get more.

“Can I sit on your face?”

Eddie froze, just like that.

She pulled back to look at Stevie with big eyes, hand stilling against her cunt.

Stevie hadn’t meant to ask.

“Fuck yeah,” Eddie moaned suddenly, already pushing at Stevie’s hips. It was almost as if she needed it too, especially with how frantic she was. She pushed Stevie off of her and immediately spread out on her bed. It would have been funny if Stevie wasn’t so fucking horny. “Come on, hurry up.”

Stevie moved fast.

She went to pull her panties off, sliding them quick down her legs without much finesse.

She reached for her skirt but-

“Keep it on,” Eddie slurred, reaching out for Stevie in such a childish way that she had to laugh. It felt good, relieving some of that built up tension between them. “Wanna eat you out in your cute little skirt.”

Stevie was shaking. That’s how badly she needed this, she was literally shaking as she crawled onto the bed. Eddie urged her forward with a big smile on her face, her curls spilled out on the pillow beneath her. God, Stevie wanted to commit this to memory. As she kneed her way up and-

Okay. She didn’t want to be too much. She could feel Eddie’s breath on her cunt, washing hot over where she was most tender.

The first lick made her thighs quake, her stomach flipping over as she braced herself against the headboard.

“Ohh-“ Stevie gasped, eyes shutting of their own accord. Too much, it was already too much. And then- and then Eddie laughed against her, mouth slick and open, and- and pulled at Stevie’s hips. Stevie couldn’t hold herself up anymore, coming to rest against Eddie fully. It was so much. She could feel Eddie’s nose press against her, her tongue delving into Stevie for a moment. Her hands gripped Stevie by the hips and held her in place, nails cutting into her skin. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.”

She could only chant, her thighs quivering as Eddie licked as deep as she could. It wasn’t even direct stimulation but- but the act itself had Stevie flaming, her body on fire as she tried her best not to move. She couldn’t even see Eddie beneath the skirt, it must be-

“You’re- you’re gonna- isn’t it hard to breathe under there?” Stevie asked, voice threading out high pitched and strung out.

Eddie only pulled away for a second, voice muffled.

“You could suffocate me right now and I’d die happy.”

Stevie felt her insides clench as Eddie licked her again, tongue hot over Stevie’s pussy. Broad strokes of her tongue, messy and slick over the entire thing. Stevie loved it like this, she’d come to realize. Sloppy and unhinged and feral. Eddie got to the point where she had little to no finesse sometimes and that somehow made it even better. She ate Stevie out like she was starving and this was her last meal.

“You feel so good,” Stevie whined, her jaw going loose as she tried her best not to move. Be good, this is already so much. You don’t want to overwhelm Eddie by- but god, it was so intense. “Oh my god, you feel so good.”

Stevie was lost to the sensation, still trying to not move too much. She didn’t want to overwhelm Eddie, she was already self conscious about being on top of her. But it was so hard not to when Eddie- when she kept licking into Stevie and the angle was so good and-

Eddie gripped Stevie by the hips and hurried her along, hands guiding her into a filthy grind. It was so much worse, so much better.

“Oh-“ Stevie gasped, brain going dumb. “I can feel- oh, your nose.” It was true. Every grind down had Stevie’s clit bumping against Eddie’s nose and- fuck, it felt good. Beyond that, the idea was simply filthy. Stevie loved that she was just….rubbing herself all over Eddie. Stevie went mindless, hips swiveling into the feeling. She couldn’t help it now, not if Eddie was just going to take it and groan deep in her throat. She gripped Stevie’s ass and stuck her tongue out, a flat surface for Stevie to rub against.

She was already so close, already dropping. She wasn’t sure what was her pussy and what was Eddie’s spit.

And then-

And then she heard Eddie pull her zipper down, the sound pounding in Stevie’s ears. She felt it, felt Eddie shift and move so that she could-

Stevie could just barely see behind her if she tried.

Sure enough, Stevie had one hand down her pants now, removed from Stevie. Touching herself.

Stevie felt her thighs clench up as she let out the loudest moan yet, legs shaking where she braced herself against Eddie. Her face was hot, her cunt sensitive. And this made it so much better. Eddie was getting off too. Eddie was touching herself and moaning into Stevie. Using her free hand to delve under and open Stevie up even more, spreading her apart so that Eddie could get at her clit and flick at it with her tongue. Over and over again, until Stevie was just about ready to lose her mind.

“Can’t-“ She whimpered, eyes actually beginning to tear up. She could feel how rough Eddie was being with herself. Stevie wondered if it even felt good or if she was just too worked up now. If she just couldn’t do it anymore and absolutely had to rub herself off. “You’re so fucking hot, you’re so hot.”

She didn’t know what to say. She just spouted off whatever was left in her brain.

“Touching yourself with your- with your face buried in my pussy-“ Stevie broke off, voice going high pitched as Eddie made a feral noise. “Eddie, I’m gonna cum. You’re gonna make me cum like- like this.”

That only spurred Eddie on more and Stevie should have known it would. Her thighs squeezed as her cunt pulsed, ready to spill over. And she did, right there on Eddie’s face. Resting hard against her, her clit throbbing as she came. It was the hardest orgasm Stevie had had yet. Even with a toy. She felt almost violent about it, dipping a hand down to hold Eddie against her. To roughly press Eddie’s face into her cunt, no care in the world to her comfort.

Stevie twitched through it, sure that Eddie was getting drenched because- god, Stevie had never gotten this fucking wet before, had she?

She tried to pull away, tried to give Eddie some relief. But Eddie only grumbled at Stevie and tugged her back down, her tongue now lazy against Stevie’s pussy. Stevie had never felt overstimulated like this. Especially not from head. She wasn’t sure if she could handle it, her eyes wet as she sagged against the wall in front of her and tried her best to stay up.

Just for Eddie to get off.

She was so fucking noisy, huffing wet little noises into Stevie’s pussy. Little groans of appreciation as she-

Fuck, as she tensed up beneath Stevie and it felt like maybe her hips were lifting and she was-

Stevie felt like Eddie got louder every time they fucked. It was hard to be as loud as Stevie but still. She made so many noises, body shaking beneath Stevie as she came. As she licked soft over Stevie now, shifting restlessly.

She finally allowed Stevie to lift herself off once she was done.

Stevie couldn’t think.

She simply slid down and-

Laid right on Eddie. Right on her chest, legs spreading over her hips, breasts pressing against Eddie’s tshirt.

“What the fuck?” Stevie asked, not really looking for answer. “That was-“

Eddie let out a winded laugh, her hands coming up to hug Stevie and pet at her back.

“Amazing? Excellent?” Even her voice sounded hoarse. “You don’t have to flatter me.”

Stevie was too tired to roll her eyes.

“Shut up,” She sassed instead, weakly pawing at Eddie’s jaw without looking. It was actually wet. Stevie grimaced and rubbing it against Eddie’a shirt. “Jesus, did I soak you?”

“Sure did,” Eddie sounded like she was grinning like an idiot. She probably was. “Gave me that super soaker five thou-“

Stevie groaned, this time in annoyance.

“I’ll suffocate you again.”

Eddie shifted under Stevie, hands coming down to lewdly grab her ass. It was good to know Eddie was always the same.

“I would love that,” Eddie said very seriously. “Anytime. In fact, you can just saddle on up if you-“

Stevie had never tasted herself before now. But she leaned up and planted her lips against Eddie’s. Just to shut her up. No other reason.

Chapter Text

Eddie was full of secrets.

Which- yeah, okay. That wasn’t an entirely true statement. Mostly because Eddie was an open book of answers once Stevie actually grew the courage to ask about said secrets. Mostly. Stevie knew that certain topics were off limits.

So, she tried to tread lightly.

Keep reminding herself that she had a connection to Eddie that not a lot of people had. Samantha had been seething with jealousy over Stevie and Eddie’s friendship. Again and again, Stevie reminded herself of this as if it were greatly important. And her curiosity only grew with each day too.

“How’s your uncle?” Stevie hedged as Eddie slipped sideways on her bed and tangled into Stevie’s thick comforter. It was already dark out. They should be asleep. Stevie didn’t want to sleep at all. She had a million other things she wanted to do.

“Good?” Eddie ticked a brow at Stevie and pulled an arm around her waist, drawing Stevie toward her chest. She lay in comfortable clothing, ready to cuddle for the night. It was so new to Stevie, being able to cuddle another girl with no repercussions or awkward mornings. “He’s…you know, doing old man things.”

Right.

Dumb question, Stevie.

“Are you, like…gonna go see him during break?”

Swing and a miss.

Was she being obvious? Trying to hedge into Eddie’s plans and see what she was doing?

“I think so,” Eddie said with a sigh. “Depends. He’s got himself a new girlfriend and she’s not so bad, kind of sweet. Good for him. But it’s kinda..it’s weird, after all these years. Haven’t decided if I’ll feel like I’m intruding or not.”

Oh. A nugget of information. Stevie felt like a squirrel, storing it away for later use. Though she wasn’t sure what importance it could have.

“Has it always just been the two of you?” Stevie asked, rubbing her face sleepily over Eddie’s neck. No, no. She wanted to stay awake, she wanted to talk. Eddie was just….so warm, all the time.

“Yep,” Eddie said, voice going oddly soft. “Since I was a wee little thing. Got out of foster care because Wayne had been searching for me and…well, my mom made me hard to find. But he’s stubborn, knew his sister wouldn’t be taking care of her only child. He found me and took me to Indiana and the rest is history.”

Eddie sounded wistful but not quite sad.

“Was she….a bad mom?” Stevie asked, wincing at her own question immediately. How tactless could she be? “Sorry, that was-“

“No,” Eddie said with the huff of a laugh, reaching up to pet the back of Stevie’s hair. “She wasn’t the worst mom ever. Just neglectful. I didn’t get a lot to eat, went to school with my hair tangled and matted. The works. She wasn’t bad, just mentally ill. Better than my dad though.”

Stevie wasn’t gonna ask about that part.

“Do you miss her?” Stevie asked, making a lot of assumptions on her part. How was she to know that Eddie never saw her mom? Assuming, assuming.

“I’m not gonna choke you for asking questions,” Eddie laughed suddenly, kissing the top of Stevie’s head. Her face bled bright red and she buried it deeper into Eddie’s neck. “Stop tensing up. And nah, not really. She’s my mom but she’s also…not? Does that make sense?”

Yeah.

“It does,” Stevie said, feeling sort of hollow for a moment. It was selfish of her to think of her own mother in a moment like this. Her mom was…not the same. Not at all. “It’s hard, feeling like you don’t even know them. Feeling like you’re just like them.”

Eddie froze underneath Stevie.

Maybe Eddie was treading lightly now, unaware of the tsunami wanting to break free from Stevie.

“Have you talked to her recently? Your mom?”

Stevie didn’t want to cry right now, not while she was so happy and comfortable.

“No,” She shook her head for no reason. “I don’t think she’d answer my calls anyway. She’s pissed off about…well, my life here. The people I hang out with. All of it.”

Another pause.

“Is it me?” Eddie asked tentatively, probably guessing too correctly. “Because I-“

“To be honest, my mom has never had an issue with judging any aspect of my life,” Stevie admitted with a fake laugh. “This isn’t new or unique or- she’s just like that, ya know? Mean. Hateful. Spiteful. I’m not shocked that she cares that I’m ruining her perfect little image.”

Oops. Steve had definitely said too much.

“I’m sorry she’s- that’s not- well…” Eddie trailed off and Stevie immediately felt uncomfortable. Yeah. Too much. “Has she always made you feel so small?”

Oh.

Stevie rubbed the hotness of her cheek against Eddie, hoping it might leech into her skin. Maybe she could melt the shame away.

“Yeah,” Stevie admitted. “Always. All the pageants, all the- yeah, the expectations. She hates that I’m this big clunky thing. I embarrass her. I remember this one time when I was like seven, she caught me playing in her makeup, right? And I was just…I shouldn’t have been, I knew better. But she was always so pretty and I wanted to be pretty too, you know? She found me with lipstick smeared down my chin and- and she screamed at me. A lot. Told me I was ugly and I shouldn’t have even bothered and I’m sure she was just mad that I ruined her lipstick but- yeah, it feels like I’m still seven and my mom is still looming around every corner, waiting to tell me I’m too ugly for this skirt or that shirt or- it’s whatever. It’s not- it’s not even a big deal.”

Stevie buried her face feel against Eddie’s worn in shirt and calmed her tremors, sure that she was going to really start crying soon. The thought was too embarrassing to even consider.

No. Bottle it up and don’t-

“You’re really so beautiful,” Eddie murmured, squeezing Stevie again. “I know the thought is sort of shallow and I’m sure you’ve heard it before but…it’s true. You’re beautiful and I think your mom might just be jealous of you, Stevie. She can’t take it that you’ve eclipsed her. She can’t take it that you’re unique and different and special.”

Stevie really was going to embarrass herself, wasn’t she? She had wanted to talk about Eddie and it had somehow rounded back to Stevie again.

“I’m not special,” Stevie laughed hollowly. “I’m vapid and spoiled.”

It was true. It’d been true for years.

“I’ll tickle you until you suffocate if you say that again,” Eddie half joked, fingers dancing over Stevie’s ribs like a threat. “I think you’re gorgeous, so you are. Inside and out. And hey, everyone has shitty little childhood stories. I can tell you’re embarrassed, Stevie. It’s really not- I mean, it’s a big deal because it happened to you and it bothers you, it is. But it’s also not a big deal in the sense that you don’t have to hide when you tell me personal things. Everyone has something. Does that make sense?”

Yes, it did. Even if it didn’t necessarily make Stevie less embarrassed of her emotions.

“Yeah, it makes sense,” She paused for the briefest moment, unsure how to proceed. But Eddie was so open with Stevie now, wasn’t she? “What’s your something? Your parents?”

Eddie didn’t seem to flounder, so much as she just went temporarily silent.

“My dad, I guess.”

Oh. It was interesting how they seemed to have the opposite issues sometimes. But then they were still so similar.

“He was…not the best,” Stevie couldn’t see Eddie wince but it was almost like she could sense it. “Beat my mom up a bunch. I think he got her addicted to bad shit and- yeah, she just couldn’t come down at that point. He was in and out of prison. I remember visiting him a few times, actually. Always hated going there, all the cold walls and the men in there who looked like they hadn’t seen good news in a decade. It was depressing. Still is, when I think about it too much.”

Stevie kissed Eddie on the neck then, lips lingering.

“I’m sorry for making you think about it then,” She said, as gentle as she could be. Stevie had never felt gentle, not before Eddie. What a horrible thing to realize. “We should- we should stop being sad little- sad little fucks-“ Eddie gasped in affront, fingers already digging into Stevie’s ribs before she had the time to defend herself. Stevie squirmed around in delight, giggling much too loud at the assault. “Oh my- oh my god, you fucking- stop it-“

“No,” Eddie said, flipping them until Stevie was pressed to the bed. “No, I heard you. You called me a little fuck, Harrington. You’re gonna pay for that.”

Stevie beamed up at Eddie, her face flush with emotion.

“Bring it on,” She uttered in response, squealing as Eddie did just that.

—

“Are you seriously not gonna be there?” Stevie asked, her pout out in full force as Robin rolled her eyes and looked away. They weren’t in the library for once. Mainly because they’d been glared out of it days prior by the older librarian lady. She didn’t like how much Robin snorted when she laughed. “This is like- this is big for me. And you’re just gonna abandon me? Just like that?”

Robin sat on Stevie’s bed, thumbing through some book that Stevie was sure was far too complicated for her to even think about reading.

“I have a date,” Robin said, wiggling her eyebrows up and down. Stevie couldn’t be too mad, it was true. Things between Chrissy and Robin were beginning to heat up, despite Robin’s innate need to catastrophize about most things. “And she’s really hot, so-“

“Yeah, yeah,” Stevie joked, unable to stop a grin from blooming as she turned to Robin. “Does this look gay?”

Robin snorted softly.

“I think if you just bring your femme ass into a queer party, they’re gonna know who you’re there for.”

Steve didn’t think that was an insult. She felt a bit silly in her big boots and mini skirt but…well, she did look good. Better than usual, probably. She’d put an effort in for once and- right, she could practically hear Eddie telling her to stop being so negative toward herself. Fair. Stevie did have a fundamental problem with talking herself down every time she had even an inkling of confidence.

“Are you gonna get drunk tonight?” Robin asked, not so cautious this time. Stevie knew she probably shouldn’t but…

“Maybe,” She admitted, sitting down to lace up her boots. “Eddie said she’d just help me back to our room, so. I might. I never really cut loose, ya know? I’m always…”

Tense. Anxious. Full of self doubt.

Robin gave Stevie A Look.

“I’ll be safe,” She insisted. “No drama, I promise.”

—

Stevie couldn’t find Eddie.

They had agreed to meet up at this party, their schedules not quite aligning for the day. That was fine, Eddie was always pretty good about texting Stevie back. No problems, no extended waiting period. It was nice to know that Eddie at least valued Stevie’s time enough to not make her wait ages.

But Stevie couldn’t seem to find Eddie anywhere.

There were loads of people Stevie had never met before, dressed different than her. Some dressed just like her. But she felt safer than she’d ever felt at a frat party, that was for certain.

She made her way through the packed house, unable to discern any of the furniture or walls for the amount of people. It didn’t take her too long to find Eddie but-

Stevie didn’t like what she found.

It wasn’t even surprising, nor was it all that bad. But- yeah, Eddie was already there. Standing in a living room, drink in hand as she flashed her dimples at some short brunette girl. The poor girl was red in the face, lips bitten to smithereens as Eddie very obviously flirted with her.

Stevie took a deep breath and steeled herself for a weird night.

It wasn’t that she expected more from Eddie or even that she looked down on Eddie for being the way that she was. Stevie just wished she’d stop setting herself up for disappointment. And from what? Eddie was her roommate and friend. Close friend. Close friend who had eaten Stevie out too many times to count now. Close friend who regularly gave Stevie butterflies. They weren’t a thing. They weren’t anything at all really.

Stevie took a deep breath, pushing her way through the small crowd of people to walk forward. Her outfit suddenly felt very stupid. Childish and immature in comparison to the girl before Eddie. With her cool confidence and fluttering eyelashes and dr martens. The ease with which she held herself, practically twirling her shiny hair around one finger as she boldly flirted with Eddie. Stevie was a caricature in comparison. An elephant, once again. Her makeup felt heavy, her shoes felt taller than they needed to be. She felt like a giantess as she stepped forward, her smile twisting like plastic on red lips.

Stupid.

She just felt so-

“Hey there,” Stevie greeted, waving awkwardly as Eddie turned to her. And the girl. This random fucking girl that Stevie had never seen before. How did Eddie keep managing to find new girls? “Who’s your new friend?”

Stevie realized a little too late that she sounded quite rude. It wasn’t intentional. She just….didn’t like how this girl was looking at Eddie.

“I’m Nancy,” She said, sticking an oddly formal hand out for Stevie to shake before Eddie could even answer. Stevie was taken aback but she shook Nancy’s hand anyway. “Wow, you’re like….so tall.”

She sounded sort of mystified.

It made sense. Nancy had to look up at Stevie, but then again-

“Hey, I’m the same height,” Eddie joked, looking a little too fondly at Stevie now. What was going on? “Well…normally I am. Those things are killer.”

Stevie really needed to have a talk to Eddie about sounding sleazy in public. She bit her lip at the end of her sentence and everything, pointing one red solo cupped hand at the shoes Stevie was wearing. They did indeed have a modest heel on them.

“How do you walk in something like that?” Nancy asked, tilting her head like she was genuinely interested. Again, Stevie didn’t think this was how this whole conversation was going to go. “I can do kitten heels or like a wedge but…does it hurt?”

Not yet.

Stevie shrugged anyway, a little embarrassed by all the attention. Especially when she felt like a clunky idiot.

“I’m used to it,” She admitted, shifting back and forth. “I did pageantry growing up, so. I was basically born in heels.”

It wasn’t a lie. Stevie’s mom had her walk around at home in little pits of heels since she was a toddler. It was kind of fucked up, in retrospect. But at least it seemed like a cool party trick now.

Nancy gave Eddie a look and left out a silent laugh.

“You’re such a stereotype,” Nancy said directly to Eddie. Which. Huh? What did that mean?

“Oooookay,” Eddie interrupted, smiling wider. She looked a bit like a manic, her eyeliner a mess and her shirt unbuttoned a little too far. She wasn’t wearing a bra but when was she ever? Her shirt was a gauzy material that Stevie had seen before, her jeans work and ripped. Tighter than usual. Hm. “Why don’t we go see what they’re doing upstairs? Yeah? We don’t have to make fun of me all night.”

Odd. When had they been making fun of Eddie?

Stevie didn’t really have time to ask any more questions as Nancy and Eddie led the way through the house. Stevie grabbed a beer along the way, something she wouldn’t normally drink. She needed it to take the edge off. She was far too focused on trying to discern how close Nancy and Eddie were.

The room they stumbled upon had people in it. Less people but people nonetheless. And Eddie seemed to know a few. But the difference this time was that Nancy seemed to know even more people than Eddie.

“So…” Stevie trailed off, nodding toward Nancy as she went to hug another student. There was a group of people sat on the floor, drunkenly laughing near a bed. Stevie felt kind of bad for whoever owned this house. “When did you two meet? How?”

“Hm?” Eddie asked, too distracted by her apparent need to watch Nancy. Great. Just great. “Oh, a couple years ago.”

That answered one part of the question.

Steve was really trying to not be Too Much. Too nosy. Too annoying.

“Where?” Stevie hedged, feeling a lot like Eddie was ignoring her. It made Stevie kind of crazy, always sensing that she was trying to fight for Eddie’s attention.

“She worked at a venue I played shows at growing up,” Eddie said, giving Stevie another peak into her apparently very interesting life. How did she know all these people? How did they jus t keep cropping up? It made Stevie feel like she’d only lived half a life. “I met her over summertime and we kind of lost touch. Had no clue she was going here until a few weeks ago, bumped into her in the cafe.”

“Oh?” Stevie asked, feeling kind of frozen in place. She wasn’t sure how to feel. Or how she was allowed to feel. This was just another one of those things, wasn’t it? A part of Eddie that was none of Stevie’s business. “She seems nice.”

Eddie gave her a weird look.

“What? She does,” Stevie insisted. She felt a bit like she was being judged. “She complimented me, so. She’s nice.”

Eddie laughed softly, sticking a hand out to tug Stevie in by her hip. Stevie felt a flush pour over her skin, her beer sloshing inside its bottle.

“Everyone should compliment you.”

Stevie chose to ignore the comment, instead sipping on her drink as Nancy made her way back over. Eddie pulled away too quickly for Stevie’s liking, only further cementing how this all was going down. Surely Eddie wouldn’t do this. Surely she wouldn’t have two girls she was sleeping with at the same party.

Nancy and Eddie were talking but Stevie wasn’t really listening, her thoughts already plagued with worry and anxiety. Robin had warned Stevie that this probably wasn’t a good idea. Going out with Eddie to events like this never seemed to work in her favor. Though, she’d never been to one like this with Eddie, so she’d foolishly thought that-

“Do you have extensions?” Nancy asked, turning to Stevie abruptly. She wasn’t sure if it was part of the conversation they’d had going but-

“Me?” Stevie asked dumbly.

But Nancy didn’t take the chance to make fun of her.

“Yeah,” She nodded and smiled, reaching out to touch one end of Stevie’s hair. It had her blushing in seconds, not quite used to people- what? Touching her? Probably. Only Eddie and Robin did that now. “It’s so long! I keep trying to grow mine out but it’s a frizzy mess.”

“What? No, you have like- you have such pretty curls,” Stevie gushed, unable to help herself now. And she did mean it. Nancy looked like a little pixie compared to Stevie. “Do you do a routine for it or-“

“Oh my god, yes. It’s so fucking much though, I’ve got to find an alternative-“

“I think I know a good tiktoker who has like, some tutorials-“

They were rapid fire now, back and forth as they chatted about Nancy’s hair routine.

Stevie had sort of forgotten Eddie was nearby until she peaked over and saw her smiling at them. That kind of took the wind out of Stevie’s sails a little.

“Glad y’all are getting along.”

And see, that was- was Stevie reaching if she thought that was odd? She had to be. It wasn’t normal to be this defensive. Especially when she had been so wrong about Chrissy. Nancy was nice. Nicer than Stevie had been just minutes ago when they met. Stevie liked her.

It was kind of fucked up.

Was Eddie happy that her new prospect was getting along with an old one? Was Stevie being tossed out now? Or was she just overreacting before anything had even happened?

“Sorry to interrupt,” Eddie said, pointing her cup to the middle of the room. People were gathering and sitting in a circle. “Would you like to join the festivities?”

Stevie was unsure what was-

“Ugh,” Nancy turned her nose up. “I guess so. Isn’t that kind of immature?”

Oh. Stevie could see it now. They were playing spin the bottle. And yeah, that did seem a little immature for a group of college students. But what did she know?

She wasn’t exactly the most experienced person on the planet.

“We should do it,” Stevie said on impulse, unsure why she’d even said it. “Could be fun.”

“Could be,” Nancy replied with a somewhat teasing smirk. “Why not?”

—

Stevie felt awkward.

She had finished her one beer already and she didn’t know what to do with the bottle. She sat it next to her, squeezed into the circle with Nancy and Eddie both on each side of her.

Right. Awkward.

So the probability of Eddie spinning the bottle and getting Nancy was…

Not that low.

But there was a lot of other girls too. Queer girls. Girls who Eddie either did or didn’t know. Stevie hated that she couldn’t tell. She hated even more that she cared.

Why couldn’t she just say something? Like, hey. You’re making me feel like shit lately. You’re the reason I’m more comfortable with myself. You’re the reason I can’t sleep at night. You’re the reason I sleep at night at all.

She just wanted some peace of mind.

Stevie felt out of place in this house, avoiding eye contact with all the people around her.

And then the bottle was placed and Stevie kind of lost the plot in all her anxiety. She watched as two girls kissed across from her in the circle, giggling into each others mouths as the groups cheers became a distant noise. Stevie was sure this wasn’t normal, this strong of a reaction to such a simple game.

Why did she feel like the floor was going to cave in?

And then the next couple.

And then the next.

And then it was Nancy’s turn and Stevie hated how much her stomach turned when she knew it shouldn’t. She had no right, she had no-

The bottle turned and landed on a redhead girl with freckles.

Oh.

Stevie hated her instant relief even more.

She watched as Nancy crawled across the floor, a lot slinkier than Stevie had imagined she would be. Stevie could see why Eddie might be attracted to her. Though, Eddie looked pretty unbothered.

Maybe she just wasn’t the jealous type.

That would make more sense.

Eventually, the bottle got to Stevie. And that made sense, it did. But she couldn’t hear any of the chatter beyond the heartbeat that seemed to live in her eardrums.

The bottle seemed to spin on forever. Stevie couldn’t look at anything but it, spinning and spinning until it finally stopped.

It was pointing at a girl Stevie had never met before. It was as if Stevie could barely even see her face. She had dark hair and a pretty smile as she crawled toward Stevie. She couldn’t-

There was nothing else.

Stevie felt like her heart was in her throat as the other girl pressed her lips to Stevie’s and Stevie sort of- she kissed back, she did. Her brain went on autopilot and she just gave in, one hand reaching for this girls hair and pulling her closer. It was more than a kiss at that point, the cheering around them too blurry for Stevie to comprehend.

She wasn’t drunk.

This was-

And then it was over.

The girl sat back down and no one noticed that Stevie felt like she was dying and oh- oh, Nancy was trying to lean across Stevie to-

To stop Eddie? From what?

Stevie looked up, saw how red Eddie was in the face. The pinch between her brows and the frown on her lips and-

And she was leaving. She was leaving?

Stevie was so confused and she felt kind of sick and out of it, like she was too dizzy to think. Too many people. That had to be it. There was far too many people in this room, in this house.

Stevie was the biggest of them all. Clunky and awkward and spread out, too much for any space. She had to get out. She had to figure out why Eddie was storming out of the room and-

“Don’t,” Nancy tried to stop Stevie as she went to get up. It didn’t matter what she said, Stevie had already decided. “You two should probably-“

Stevie shrugged her off, everything still a blur.

She’d had this happen before. When her mom would yell at her in dressing rooms or back stage. This feeling…like there was a fire just an inch away from her. Like it was following her around.

Stevie rushed out of the room, sure that Eddie had already left the house entirely. She wouldn’t do that to Stevie, would she? She said she’d stick around but she was nowhere to be seen. Not in the living, not in the kitchen. Stevie felt frantic and panicked as she roamed fast through the droves of people, feeling as if the group just kept growing. It was impossible. They weren’t growing. She knew that. But it was taking her too long, minutes stretching by. Stevie could barely focus.

And then Stevie found her.

Eddie was outside.

More importantly, Eddie was pressed up against the side of the house. Right there in the dark, where the street light didn’t quite hit. Lips sealed to some random girls mouth. Sealed. Practically eating each others faces. The image was lewd and vivid, even in the dark.

A voice that sounded a lot like her mother whispered in Stevie’s mind, “I told you so, I told you so.”

“What the fuck?” Stevie managed to blurt out, her teeth chattering from the come down of her abrupt anxiety attack. Was that it? Was she actually coming down or- “Are you fucking kidding me?”

She was numb down to her toes. That was the worst part. Stevie had dealt with anxiety attacks before but this one felt stronger than ever. Her heart kept beating but it felt wrong. Enlarged and too full of blood, that had to be it.

Steve I couldn’t believe her eyes.

Eddie and the girl pulled apart, their gazes hazy as Stevie stared in horror. It didn’t matter if any of this was rational anymore. All of that flew out the window the second she walked outside and saw Eddie.

“We can take this to my car-“ The girl tried to speak but Stevie had had enough.

“You can go,” She snapped, absolutely seething now. For a number of reasons. “Seriously, leave.”

“Whoa,” The girl held her hands up just as Eddie finally came to attention. She looked almost dazed as she pushed off the siding and walked toward Stevie. With some other girls lipstick smeared on her lips. “I don’t wanna- I didn’t know you were with someone, holy shit. I’m gonna-“

The girl cringed as she ducked out of the way and sped past the two of them. Good. Stevie was seething with rage now.

“What are you-“

No.

“Are you kidding me?” Stevie asked incredulously, face flaming now. “With- with me here and- and Nancy upstairs? Seriously? You couldn’t wait one fucking hour?”

It was probably unfair to feel this wronged. That didn’t really matter. Stevie had felt terrible all night and all of this, it was only making it worse. She was seething and heartbroken and- and Eddie didn’t even look bothered. She looked completely unphased, a mask printed across her pretty face.

“Not sure what Nancy has to do with this.”

Stevie wanted to step closer, wanted to jab Eddie in the chest with a finger and make her point. She couldn’t move, her knees felt too weak. She would fall over it, she just knew it.

“She’s- you were all over her,” Stevie accused, voice clipped as she held back tears. Eddie was closing off, crossing her arms over her chest. Okay. Okay, this wasn’t good. “All night. You invited two girls to the same party. And then you come out here and- what? Found a girl immediately? Do you even know her name? Don’t you see how messed up that is?”

Eddie fucking shrugged.

“You were playing that game,” Oh my god.
Stevie couldn’t believe her ears. “How’s that any different?”

“Because it’s a game!” Stevie didn’t want to raise her voice, she didn’t. She just couldn’t stop herself anymore. “It’s a game. And Nancy seems nice and you’re leading her on-“

“I’m not even with- it’s not like that,” Finally, some emotion. It sounded a lot like annoyance. Stevie didn’t like that any more than the lack from before. “Nancy is a friend.”

“Is she your friend like I’m your friend?”

Eddie snorted a shocked laugh.

Fuck her.

“No, Stevie. She fucking isn’t,” Eddie said, managing to sound offended. The stupid grass was already wet and Stevie was tired after her impromptu anxiety attack and Eddie was making zero sense. “You sound a lot like a jealous ex. It’s weird.”

Stevie felt her heart kick. Surely you couldn’t actually die from fighting with someone like this.

Surely.

And yet, she felt sicker than she’d felt in ages.

“I’m not the one who ran out of the room because of a fucking high school game-“

“That is not what happened-“

“Oh I’m sure it is,” Stevie hissed, ready to shake Eddie to make sense of this stupid- this was so dumb. “You just can’t admit it because it might put a dent in this persona you have going on. God forbid you feel anything, Eddie.”

Eddie gave Stevie the coldest look imaginable, her lips twisting into a smirk. Stevie hated it. She hated all of this.

“I have feelings,” Eddie said simply. “You’re just upset you can’t pick them apart. Not all of us can wear them all over our sleeves like some kind of overly emotional-“

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Stevie said, eyes prickling with tears now. She knew Eddie had a mean side but this…this was too much. Calling her overly emotional, implying that Stevie was the problem here. Sure, Stevie needed to communicate better. But what did it matter if Eddie acted like this the second she felt wronged? “If you ever want to talk to me again, don’t-“

“See? Do you not see how ridiculous that is? Threatening to never talk to me again because I…what? I have a sex life and you don’t.”

Stevie was going to actually start bawling soon.

This wasn’t how she wanted tonight to go. She didn’t want to fight with the one person she liked the most. Her lack of a sex life? What did that even mean? Was Stevie just supposed to be okay with Eddie disappearing with random girls whenever she got bored or angry? Had she really been that angry? Looking back, it did seem like she’d stormed out of the room. But why? Stevie was allowed to- Eddie did shit like that all the time.

“You’re being so mean,” Stevie said, finally breaking down. She couldn’t do this. It was embarrassing and raw and anyone could probably hear her. “You know I’ve never- why are you throwing it back at me? Because I kissed another girl? You- that sounds ridiculous, Eddie. It was a game, I didn’t want to do it.”

“I don’t know what you do in your free time,” Eddie said, looking to the side like she couldn’t watch Stevie cry. No, it couldn’t be that. That would require a heart. “And I don’t need to be reminded what I am to you.”

What?

What did that even mean?

Stevie didn’t even have to ask.

“An experiment,” Eddie said coldly, turning dark eyes back onto Stevie. “I know what I am. You ask me questions like I’m an encyclopedia.”

Stevie felt tears drip down her cheeks, her hands shaking violently as she hugged them around her chest. Stupid, big Stevie. Too big even for the outside world.

“I ask you questions because I- I didn’t grow up like you,” Stevie cried, feeling like she’d missed a step along the way. Had Eddie felt like this the entire time? Why couldn’t she just tell Stevie? “I thought it was safe and- and I thought- but it doesn’t matter. I’m not just- I’m a real person, okay? I’m not just a straight girl who-“

“And what if you are?” Eddie asked softly. It was dark but Stevie could see it now. Her eyes, glistening and reflecting the nearby streetlight. “What if I’m wrong and you are?”

Would it matter? Eddie clearly only saw Stevie one way. Only good for one thing.

But now Stevie was angry again.

“I’m fucking gay, Eddie!” She gasped out, throwing her arms wide. It made no sense. She’d known Eddie for months now. How was it not obvious? “I’ve been gay the whole time. That isn’t- you don’t get to decide what I am just because you’re uncomfortable with-“

“You never know-“

“I do know! I know!” Stevie was borderline hysterical, unsure how to calm down at this point. “I know! I know! It’s all I fucking think about because it’s all my mom will let me think about now, don’t you- you’re supposed to understand, you’re supposed to-“

“We grew up different. You already said that,” And now it felt like Eddie was throwing that back in her face too. Stevie wanted to deescalate this but she didn’t know how. “That doesn’t mean I can just trust you. It goes bad all the time, doesn’t it? You find a girl and she’s into you but not until she finds a frat guy and-“

“You don’t even want me,” Stevie said, feeling so confused that she might pass out. All this over a kiss she didn’t even want. “I’ve embarrassed and humiliated and thrown myself at your feet countless times now and you don’t even want me. I lay in bed next to you and I think about how much I could love you and you don’t even want me. That’s all this is. You don’t want me, you don’t- oh my god, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t- you’re just stomping on my heart and you don’t even care because you’ll move onto a new girl by next week.”

“Like you haven’t already moved on,” Eddie snapped in anger. “I see you on the apps. I know what you’re up to. And I’m supposed to- what am I supposed to think, Stevie?”

She felt like she was in the twilight zone. This wasn’t Eddie. This seething jealous person. It couldn’t be.

“That I like you? Is that so hard to believe? I like you and- and I like women. I like girls. You can’t just assume who I am or who I like,” Stevie felt like she was begging, like she was literally begging for Eddie to understand. “All my apps are- they’re literally for girls, Eddie.”

“This isn’t even about that.”

Stevie was going to lose it soon.

“Then explain to me what it’s about. You stormed out of the room when I kissed another girl because unlike you, I’ve never subjected you to seeing me around other women. That’s all this is. You can’t take it, you can’t stand that someone else might be interested in me!”

“Everyone is interested in you!”

Eddie had never yelled like that before. Stevie could sense that other people were near, that they could see what was happening. She just hoped they didn’t recognize her face or voice, that no one here had any classes with her. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to withstand the shams.

“What does that even mean?” Stevie felt ready to rip her hair out by now. “I sound like a jealous ex? Seriously? Just because you fuck me doesn’t mean you own me.”

And Stevie didn’t mean that. All she wanted was-

God. Just admit it. Admit you want her. Admit you- but she couldn’t act like that right now. There was too much pride at stake. Everything was too built up.

Eddie stepped closer then, her lips thin and mean.

“You know what? Fuck it,” She spit angrily, hands delving into her pockets in an act of casualness that made Stevie even sadder. Why did she have to act like this? Over something so stupid? “The biggest difference here is you think you’re close to me. You think we have some amazing connection that I can’t fabricate with ten other girls. You think you’re- it doesn’t matter. I never let you do things to me, you realize that. Right? I didn’t let you- and I let girls do that shit all the time but- but not you. Because I know girls like you and I’ve been with them and I know I’m just- I’m a phase and-“

“Fuck you,” Stevie said, no longer angry. Her eyes were so wet she couldn’t even see anymore. “Fuck you, oh my god. I can’t believe- you’re such a coward. You’re a coward, Eddie. Whatever. I’m done. I’m- I’m gonna go see Robin-“

“Yeah, I thought so-“

Stevie broke off and shook her head in disbelief. She didn’t want to ugly cry right now, she didn’t want to give Eddie that satisfaction.

“I really think I have feelings for you,” Stevie said in a dull voice, just about done for the night. “But I guess that doesn’t matter. Go be mad in the dorm alone.”

And with that, Stevie turned around and left.

Chapter Text

Stevie felt lower than the dirt on the ground.

Running to Robin’s in the middle of the night was the last thing Stevie wanted to do. Especially because she knew Robin wouldn’t be back yet. Her date wasn’t over, Stevie realized as she trudged her way over, head held low. It was ridiculous how far her mood had dropped in just a few hours.

Eddie was completely- and it wasn’t even- Stevie had just wanted to- ugh! She was overloaded and overwhelmed with emotion, she couldn’t even sort through it in the present moment. Every single emotion felt like a frayed end, like an exposed nerve.

She had decided to wait outside Robin’s dorm, knees held to her chest despite her outfit. Who cared? Everyone was asleep anyway, they wouldn’t see her. She was practically invisible. Which, hey. How on par was that for Stevie? She was either always invisible or- or some kind of mammoth, stomping around. Pretending she was normal. Trying to fit in somewhere and being pushed out immediately.

It was just like that with Eddie too. Stevie hadn’t even seen it coming. She was completely unwilling to see Eddie’s side of things right now. Eddie had put a label on Stevie and decided what her feelings were, right? She had done that in the end by proclaiming that she knew Stevie was going to-

It didn’t even matter anymore.

It wasn’t fair. Stevie wanted to throw a fit about it, wanted to punch something. Wanted to give into the anger and sadness simmering beneath her skin.

It wasn’t fair because yeah, Stevie should have spoke up more. But she was also trying to figure herself out. She had never once asked Eddie to help her with that part, she’d kept it to herself. She had to keep it to herself, all these little boxed up secrets that she was too scared might get out. Stevie was just coming into her own, finding comfort in being away from her mother. Eddie wasn’t like that. Eddie was carefree. She had girls for every day of the week. How was Stevie supposed to know that anything at all would make her so ridiculously jealous?

What was there to be jealous of anyway?

Steve, inexperienced and fumbling her way through every interaction with a girl? Eddie didn’t realize just how bright she was, just how much girls flocked after her. Or maybe she did see it, maybe that was the problem too. Maybe Eddie knew exactly how women reacted to her and got off on it.

“Oh no,” Robin said as he walked slow down the hallway, keys jingling happily in her left hand. “What happened?”

And just like that, Stevie was crying again.

—

“Don’t really love that she’s assuming things about you,” Robin frowned as she sat on her bed across from Stevie. “Where’d that even come from?”

Like Stevie knew the answer to that question.

Still, she felt the need to defend Eddie. She always stupidly felt the need to defend Eddie.

“I think- I think she just worries about it. About girls like me and how we- how we don’t know who we are,” Stevie sniffed and rubbed her sore eyes. Robin had loaned her some pajamas that didn’t quite fit, only furthering the whole mammoth feeling. Still, it was nice to be wearing something comfortable. “But I do know who I am and I guess I just didn’t tell her soon enough or I was dumb enough to assume that maybe she just didn’t care? Like, we both put emphasis on how this wasn’t serious and we’re just friends but-“

“Oh she definitely cares,” Robin snorted. “Eddie has a lot of pent up fear.”

Huh?

“It’s like this…” Robin sighed before jumping into an explanation. She was so soft spoken for someone with anxiety. Stevie wasn’t sure how she always knew how to calm Stevie down. “I think Eddie has always been sure of herself. I’d hazard a guess that she has been for a long time. But she’s probably been hurt a lot, maybe not even just in romantic relationships. So she distances herself from being too close to girls. Only, she was having a hard time doing that with you. She doesn’t like being reminded that- well, that in her head, you’re….not permanent. Even if you could be-“ Stevie felt defensive of herself again. “She doesn’t see it that way. You’ve never come out to her, so she doesn’t really know, you know?”

That part was true.

Still. Even if that was the case, even if Stevie was bisexual…that gave Eddie no right to act the way she did. It changed nothing about her attraction to Eddie.

“I’m still mad,” Stevie laughed pathetically. “I feel bad that I didn’t speak up but I also don’t feel bad? Eddie never asked about any of it. She made it seem like…like I was just a body. And I know I did the same, I know I did. But what was I supposed to think? She never cared before and now she cares more than I do? She goes on dates constantly, she- it’s okay for her but not for me? How does that make sense?”

Robin shrugged sadly.

“Nothing makes sense and everyone’s dumb. That’s college, babe.”

True.

“What am I supposed to do now?” Stevie asked, her numbness taking on a terrifying quality. She felt hopeless like this, like she was back at step one. Lonely and afraid. That wasn’t even true, she realized. Stevie had more friends than she’d ever had in her life. A support system.

“Do you…do you want to do anything?” Robin asked delicately. “I mean, maybe the two of you need a few days away from each other. You can always stay here if you need to. I can hide you like a little runaway, I don’t mind.”

Hm.

Stevie did not want to impose on Robin.

Besides, she had a good idea.

..

Stevie’s father was more than excited when she called him and asked if she could come down for the break. It was a bit of a trip, sure. But she didn’t mind, not when she so desperately needed a space to clear her mind. She was happy to find that he was actually at home for once. Or, well. His home by the beach.

Stevie wasn’t sure how many homes her father owned, actually.

But she was more than excited to get the fuck out of dodge, even going so far as to watch the dorm to make sure Eddie was gone when she went to go pick her things up. It was definitely a cowardly move on Stevie’s part but she wasn’t sure if she could handle another fight right now.

Robin had been correct.

Stevie needed a few days or more. A few weeks, really. She needed to decide how she felt about Eddie, how she wanted to proceed with their rooming arrangement. None of that would even matter if Eddie was the one who decided she was sick and tired of Stevie and-

See? Space.

She had to stop thinking about Eddie constantly.

Being away from Eddie for a few weeks would do Stevie some good. She was trying to convince herself of as much as she boarded a plane and set off to see her father and his young wife. She wasn’t a bad person or anything. At least she wasn’t mean to Stevie, there was that.

And that was another thing.

Stevie had already ignored two more calls from her mother, determined to not give in. It was stressful to even think about, let alone imagine talking to her again. Stevie might actually snap this time and say something unforgivable. She was a few more missed calls away from blocking her mom’s number all together if she had to.

She was too stressed. Her grades would be in soon, her mother was a homophobic bigot, her roommate didn’t feel the same about her. Etc.

Stevie wanted peace.

Hilary was very sweet to Stevie when she made it to the beach house, hugging her tight as soon as Stevie stepped foot into the front door. The journey there hadn’t been the best, full of Stevie repeatedly checking her phone, knowing Eddie wouldn’t be the first to crack. Not that Stevie wanted her to. It was best if they didn’t talk right now.

“Oh, you’ve gotten even prettier, how is that possible?” Hilary asked as she pulled away to look at Stevie. Which was- okay. Stevie hadn’t realized- she didn’t sound like she was lying. Everyone always sort of sounded like they were lying when they complimented Stevie. It felt even bigger coming from someone like Hilary. She was so poised and pretty, with her shiny hair and perfect lipstick. She looked effortless. She looked like the type of girl who would have made fun of Stevie at a pageant. “It’s definitely not from your dad.”

Stevie snorted at that, dropping her bag by the door for a moment. True. Her dad had a lot of good qualities, apparently. But even he could admit he was a bit….rugged. Especially considering his line of work didn’t lean towards ruggedness.

“Probably not from my mom either,” Stevie let slip, immediately cringing. Oops. That didn’t sound so good. Stevie’s mom wasn’t even unattractive. The attitude and constant meanness made her less so, sure. But- still, it didn’t sound great. Hilary only laughed, her eyes crinkling up pleasantly. She really was a very pretty woman. She didn’t seem to mind the joke at all, as thin as it might have been. “I’m so sorry.”

There you go, Stevie. At least apologize for being a terrible daughter.

“Don’t be,” Hilary said. “She’s your mom but she’s also….you know.”

Oh Stevie definitely knew. She also didn’t feel remotely defensive this time.

“Your father isn’t off work yet but he will be soon. Would you like a drink? I made some lemonade this morning. Got the lemons straight off the tree too.”

Stevie let her shoulders relax. Maybe she had misjudged Hilary all these years. Maybe that was why Stevie couldn’t be close to her or Stevie’s father. All the tension her mom created, all the problems. It was all a fabricated lie, created so that Stevie’s mom could keep her close and control her.

“I’d love that,” Stevie said, feeling better for the first time in days.

—

Hilary was hilarious.

Stevie and her had sat down in the kitchen maybe two hours ago and they hadn’t shut up yet. It was rare to find someone who liked tapping as much as Stevie did. But Hilary really seemed like the same type of talkative as her. The only person who had ever come close was Robin.

Or Eddie.

“-any friends at school?” Hilary asked, sipping on her own drink and smiling kindly at Stevie. School was a tricky topic but Stevie didn’t feel judged. Not yet, at least. “I know college can be kind of weird. I don’t really miss it.”

Stevie wondered what she’d gone to school for.

“Yeah,” Stevie cleared her throat and shifted in her seat. Awkward. “I’ve got a few. One named Robin and another named, uh. Uh, Eddie.”

“Oh,” Hilary wiggler her eyebrows. “A boy? Is it anything serious? Or just a friend?”

Uh oh. Well, that was kind of….nice of Stevie’s father? He clearly hadn’t told Hilary about- about Stevie. So, that was nice to know. That he could keep a secret. Still, Stevie didn’t feel nearly as nervous as she thought she might.

Stevie snorted out a comfortable laugh.

“I’m- uh, I’m actually a huge lesbian,” Stevie said, the words not constricting her chest for once. It felt like a relief to say out loud and to someone she barely knew too. See? It wasn’t even that scary. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. “And Eddie is a girl. My roommate. It’s more of a nickname she got when she was a kid.”

Hilary didn’t look remotely surprised.

“Oh!” She said, smiling even wider. “So, is Eddie….is that a thing?”

The problem was that Stevie had zero poker face.

“Uh oh,” Hilary cringed back a little, eyes squinting at Stevie. “It’s like that?”

Ugh.

“Yeah,” Stevie sighed and reached up to rub at her tired eyes. Why in the world did she feel like confessing everything all of a sudden? “We’re kind of…I dunno. Started out not so serious and not it’s all…serious. Not sure where to go from there. We had a huge fight before I came here and- well, it’s kind of the reason I’m here. Not that I don’t- I want to see you and my dad, obviously! I just also kind of needed to get away for a bit.”

Hilary nodded wisely, pursing her lips in thought.

“You’re not answering her texts, are you?”

Huh?

“She hasn’t texted me,” Stevie frowned. “What? Why’d you- do you think she will?”

Stevie did not like the little jolt she got from the idea. Not at all. Nope. Eddie was not about to ruin her break.

“Definitely don’t reply when she does,” Hilary said without giving Stevie an answer. “Or do, I can’t tell you what to do. But if she genuinely upset you, maybe keep things simple for a few days. Civil.”

Yeah. A few days.

Eddie hadn’t even bothered to text Stevie yet. She probably hadn’t gone back to the dorm yet. She was probably out spending it with some other girl.

“Yeah, yeah…I think…I think it’s best to leave things civil for now, you’re right.”

As much as it hurt Stevie to not talk to Eddie.

She could do it. It would be so easy. Eddie didn’t even want to text her. Stevie had no problem with that at all.

—

Stevie’s father was more than happy to see her. Of course he was, he’d arranged her flight. But still. It was just nice to be around a family member who didn’t hate her guts. Dinner was takeout, a thing that Stevie tried to avoid. Tried. She was a little more lax now, more prone to trying new things without worrying so much about calories or carbs. And that was nice too, being able to eat without someone calling her fat the entire time.

Stevie was so glad her mom wasn’t even a topic of conversation. She knew she’d have to talk about her eventually, sure. To get it off her chest. But for now, it was just nice to not have to think about her mom. And Eddie.

Although, Stevie wasn’t doing so good at that part. Dinner had helped. She’d been able to talk to her father and Hilary and the distraction was enough that Stevie wasn’t constantly looking at her phone. Robin hd texted her a few times to see if she’d boarded and gotten to her dads safely.

No Eddie though.

Stevie wasn’t going to just wait around for her. Not that- she didn’t want Eddie to say anything. She could apologize and Stevie wouldn’t care right now. That wasn’t even the point of any of this drama. Stevie couldn’t keep up with what she thought and what she wanted.

She was disappointed with Eddie and unsure if she even had the right to be.

—

Stevie was woken from her nap by a loud knocking on her door, followed by a distinct, “Let the girl sleep, you heathen.”

Stevie peaked her eyes open, taking in the voices of her father and Hilary. Just outside the door. Stevie repressed a sleepy laugh as she heard her father defending himself. It was new to feel like a hot commodity around any of her family members, least of all her dad. Stevie wasn’t sure if she harbored any resentment toward him or not. It didn’t feel like she did. Maybe she was just growing up.

And realizing that maybe her mom was a big cause for the animosity between the two of them. It didn’t make up for her father being absent to so much of her childhood but it certainly explained a few things. Stevie wasn’t her mom’s little soldier anymore and she definitely wasn’t scared of her mom now.

She went to sit up, cracking her back along the way. She could no longer hear her father and Hilary, so she assumed they’d taken their discussion into the living room or kitchen. Honestly, the house was so big, they could have been down the hallway and Stevie wouldn’t have heard them anymore.

She needed to get up.

Stevie felt a little like a zombie as she set about pulling a bra and tshirt on, sure that she wouldn’t be criticized in this house for wearing pajamas. Not like with her mom. Wasn’t it nice to finally fucking relax around family?

Sure enough, they were in the living room.

Stevie’s father looked perfectly relaxed as he drank wine with Hilary. The image was almost funny. Like something from a magazine.

“Hey,” Stevie said, waving a bit awkwardly as she made her way into the room. Her father looked up, a smile blooming over his face. Oh. Well. That was nicer than she expected. “Uh, sorry- sorry for napping. I guess the flight made me sleepier than I thought it would.”

“No problem,” He said, waving her off easily. “Why don’t you sit down? We were just talking about ordering takeout. Is there anything you’d like?”

He seemed so eager. Stevie tried to push away her initial response of ‘nothing for me, thanks’ because she knew it was regressive at this point. She had no hope of growing if she never actually tried to break her bad habits.

“Maybe some Thai?” Stevie asked, feeling quite unsure of herself. Hilary looked just as pleased though.

“Anything special or do you just want me to order a few things?”

Stevie agreed to that, happy that they’d taken the decision out of her hands.

It wasn’t until Hilary left the room that her father finally summoned her. Stevie felt a little awkward as she sat down on the other end of the couch, folding her leg up beneath her.

“Impromptu visit,” Her father said, physically weighing the word with one hand. “Plus, you look sort of….what do the kids call it? Bummed out? Is that it?”

Stevie snorted softly, her shoulders slowly relaxing. This was okay. Her father was a lot nicer now. He’d never been particularly mean. Just absent.

“Bummed out,” Stevie agreed with a nod. “Guess so. Still waiting on some test results.”

That definitely was not what had her so moody.

It was as if her father could one hundred percent tell, as he nodded wisely and rubbed his chin. He was a lot dorkier than he used to be.

“Is that all?” Her father asked, very pointedly reading the label on his beer. Stevie rolled her eyes fondly. “Nothing to do with your mom?”

Ah.

Stevie cleared her throat and shrugged.

“I don’t know. She’s mom, nothing new.”

That kind of barely summed it up.

“Hmm,” Her father hummed thoughtfully. “Still threatening to pull your school money?”

Yes.

“Guess so,” Stevie swallowed harshly, not quite liking the topic. “I’m really sorry, by the way. I can figure out a way to pay you back-“

“Stevie.”

Oh. She looked up, feeling quite nervous now.

“You don’t need to,” Her father laughed, waving her off immediately. “I have too much. I don’t mind taking care of you. Should have done a better job of it for years now. I’m sorry I wasn’t more present.”

She felt oddly emotional, chalking the sensation up to her tumultuous week.

“Okay,” Stevie agreed, not quite knowing what to say. “It’s….okay. You’re trying now, so- so that’s what’s most important.” She felt slightly awkward talking about it. “Mom keeps trying to call me and I don’t think it’s an apology.”

“What do you think it is?”

A therapy session, apparently.

Steve snorted at her own mental joke.

“I think she wants to yell at me some more. She doesn’t even know I’m-“ Stevie felt her throat tighten. “She wouldn’t approve, we know that. I’m avoiding her. All she wants to do is tell me I’m ruining her image and I won’t make it in life and I’m her least favorite daughter.”

Stevie didn’t feel sad about that part. Who knew what type of pressure her sister was under.

“Have you talked to your sister?”

“Absolutely not,” Stevie grimaced. “She’s a mini version of mom.”

It felt kind of awful to say. Her father didn’t disagree.

Besides. Stevie’s sister never called first anyway.

“Hmm,” Her father hummed again, clearly not wanting to get between them. Stevie appreciated that he was being so careful. “Well, you’re here now. We don’t care if you like girls or boys or- or planes and tractors-“ Steve let out a startled laugh. “You can be whoever you want to be. Is that cheesy? I feel like that’s cheesy.”

It definitely was.

Stevie loved it.

—

Stevie was at peace. Mostly.

She was mostly at peace.

Robin had contacted Stevie within two days of her visit and they’d talked on the phone. Stevie had helped Hilary bake cookies and gone on a grocery run with her. She’d watched a movie with her father and Hilary last night.

It was going good.

Right up until Stevie got online.

And yeah, it wasn’t a good idea. It was the furthest thing from a Good Idea. Stevie knew better. Trailing after Eddie like a lost puppy was stupid, idiotic even. She couldn’t help herself. It’d only been three days. Surely there wasn’t much for Eddie to do, much for her to get up to.

If Stevie had been hoping that Eddie would mope in their dorm room, she was sorely wrong.

It was all there. On her instagram.

Stevie felt her stomach drop. She shouldn’t have looked, she really shouldn’t have- but Eddie was out. Tagged photos. There was tagged photos of Eddie. Drunk as fuck, eyes bleary as she rested both arms across the shoulders of two other girls. At some club, Stevie couldn’t tell which.

She felt sort of-

Dizzy. Angry. Irritated.

The comment left on the photo was even worse.

‘Was nice to meet you.’

Was it nice to meet her, Eddie?

And see, part of Stevie knew she wasn’t being fair. Eddie was single. She was single and Stevie didn’t matter and- fuck, Stevie was just spiraling again.

Her anger grew when she saw another photo.

Because this was in the dorm. Their fucking dorm. Eddie had brought two girls back to their dorm and there she was, smiling and playing her guitar in a blurry photo and-

No. No no no, don’t do it. You’re being irrational and crazy and-

But what if they’d been drinking? What then? Would Eddie get in trouble? You couldn’t see any alcohol in the photo, sure. That didn’t really matter, did it? Not if Eddie followed the wrong people.

Her text messages were open before Stevie could stop herself.

Stevie: would appreciate if you didn’t bring random strangers back to our dorm

Well. That wasn’t what she meant to send.

Stevie chewed on her nails, ready to throw her phone to the other side of the bed just to get away from it. God, what was she doing? Why was she even acting like this? Eddie did not want her. Stevie already knew that, so why was she making a fool of herself again?

And then Eddie replied.

Eddie: what? No hello? No how are you doing?
Eddie: it’s my dorm too btw

Stevie seethed with annoyance and jealousy as she stared at her phone. She hated feeling like this. It had been days since they’d spoken and- and this was it?

She’d started it.

Steve knew she had.

But now she was angry.

Stevie: fine, have an orgy idc

Fuck. Why would she that? Stevie knew she had no right but at the same time, it hurt to see Eddie running around with girls just days after they’d already fought. It wasn’t fair that she got to be so free, so unworried. Uncaring.

Eddie: I think you’ll find that it’s actually a threesome

Stevie wanted to cry.

Why was Eddie like this? Genuinely. Stevie could understand that she’d overstepped a few times now but why did Eddie feel the need to be needlessly cruel?

Stevie: use protection I guess

She wasn’t even sure what to say at this point. Why was she even talking to Eddie? Why had Stevie felt the need to text her first? She should have just listened to Hilary’s advice.

Eddie: you’re the one who left
Eddie: not sure why you’re being a brat now
Eddie: where’d you even go?

Oh. A triple text.

That was-

No, Stevie. Stop getting all excited. It was like vindication, knowing that Eddie was glued to her phone. Keyed up enough to rapidly reply.

Plus. Brat.

Stevie: what? Robin didn’t tell you?

It was perhaps a low blow. Stevie knew it was. Eddie clearly had some sort of issue with Robin, though she wasn’t sure why. They got along enough, even if things were stilted between them. Maybe Eddie had figured out that Robin had already clocked her ways.

Eddie: you’re not funny

Why did this feel like the most annoying flirting Stevie had ever experienced in her life?

Stevie: it’s not important
Stevie: didn’t think you’d care to know

See? Stevie wasn’t wrong there. Eddie hadn’t asked until now. Technically, she hadn’t asked at all. She’d only taken a jab at Stevie’s friendship with Robin.

Eddie: Robin wouldn’t tell me, so I guess the two of your are really good friends. Kind of figured you were staying with her tbh, considering what the two of you are like

Huh?

Stevie was just confused now.

What was Eddie even talking about?

Stevie: what? What are you even talking about?

The next text came through before Stevie could even send hers.

Eddie: I have to sleep now
Eddie: not all of us can just leave school whenever we want

Fuck you, Eddie.

Stevie felt her eyes prickle with tears, deeply regretting breaking the silence between the two of them. It wasn’t worth it, clearly.

Stevie: yeah well
Stevie: wouldn’t have had to leave if you would have been nicer

She shut her phone off after that, determined to not text back for the rest of the night.

—

Stevie felt great. Mostly. Hilary was a wonderful distraction from her problems, even as Stevie’s father had to go into work on most days. It didn’t sting like it did when she was a child.

Stevie liked that Hilary was so nice. She was a sty at home wife, sure. But Stevie didn’t see that as a bad thing. Hilary spent her time doing plenty of things. She had a book club that she ran like Fort Knox. She was an avid yoga enjoyer and part time instructor. She was an oil painter and a ceramic enthusiast. She was a talented photographer too.

Stevie was actually amazed.

No wonder her mom seemed so jealous.

And Hilary never spoke about Stevie’s mother in a negative way. It seemed as though she didn’t even think about her. Stevie could understand, she was a very busy woman. Plus, she didn’t seem to be nearly as negative as Stevie herself was. Maybe she needed to learn something from that.

It was five days in that Hilary suggested taking photos of Stevie. It was an experience that Stevie had been used to back during her pageant days. But this wasn’t pressured or weird. She wasn’t having to deal with her mom’s remarks about her body as Hilary allowed Stevie to borrow a dress or two to wear. They took the photos on the staircase. Stevie felt silly but it was fun either way. And she had pictures to upload to instagram for once. Something that wasn’t just her in the dorm bathroom or a random club.

It was nice.

Stevie even considered uploading the photos to her tinder, just to see. She wasn’t there yet. She was still too nervous over everything with Eddie.

They hadn’t talked since their text fight.

Stevie was annoyed still. Everything about their fight was too much. Too many feelings, not enough communication. Stevie was well aware that she had started it all on her own. A few days passed and Stevie was pretty sure that she’d been at her father’s place for a week, a fact that she’d had to check a time or two. The time was flying by as she actively avoided texting Eddie.

It wasn’t until the weekend that Stevie began to actually worry.

She’d been out to a celebratory dinner with Hilary and her father, in honor of Stevie’s shockingly passing grades. He’d been so proud of her, there was no way Stevie was about to say no to dinner.

It was fun. She even had some wine that her father managed to slide over to her.

But as soon as she was in her room, she realized that she had six missed calls. Six.

Stevie felt her stomach take a nose dive when she saw who had been trying to call her. It’d been on their way back home, too distracted by chatter and laughter.

Eddie.

Stevie called her back before she could even think twice. What if something was wrong? What if something bad happened?

“Hello?” Stevie asked, her heartbeat going crazy as she waited for an answer.

It took several seconds.

“When’re you- uh, whenareyou coming home?”

That was Eddie. It was.

But it didn’t sound like Eddie.

It sounded a little like drunk Eddie. Drunker than Stevie had ever heard her before.

“What?” Stevie asked, shutting her door behind her and mouthing like a fish. What was going on? Was Eddie wasted? “Um, next week?”

Eddie groaned softly, a pained noise.

“Now,” She demanded, sounding like her face was smushed against something. Where was she? Stevie didn’t like this at all. “Come home- I won’t- please? Please come home? So I can apolo- apolah- apologize. Yeah, that. Apologize. In person.”

Oh.

What?

“Eddie, are you drunk?”

Stevie heard a small crash, followed by a concerning giggle.

“Might be,” Eddie slurred. “Might be but you’re not here, so it’s not fun.”

Stevie really couldn’t- but god, Eddie sounded so sad. What was up with her? Stevie figured she was out partying. Obviously she was. But this didn’t sound right, this was off.

“I’m sorry you didn’t have fun,” Stevie swallowed roughly. “Are you in the dorm?”

Please. Please be. Stevie didn’t like the idea of Eddie being out and about, drunk like this. Wandering around. Sounding sad.

“Mhm,” Eddie said, much to Stevie’s relief. “Laying in your bed-“ Oh. Oh god. “Smells like you and- and kept thinking, what if it didn’t? What it didn’t smell like you but someone else? All cus i fucked it- I fucked it up, ya know?”

Stevie felt like she was going to fall over, so she sat on the edge of her bed and waited.

“You didn’t fuck anything up,” Stevie said, not quite lying. She knew she should probably hang up. This wasn’t the type of conversation to have while one party was drunk. “Ed, you should close your eyes. Get some sleep.”

There was a pause and a deep breath.

“Promise me you’ll come home?”

Stevie felt her chest clench, her bottom lip wobbling like a child. It really was so silly that only Eddie could pull it out of her. This deep yearning that almost made her sick to her stomach, her knuckles white against her phone as she gripped it harder than necessary.

“Soon?”

Another question.

“Yeah,” Stevie agreed before she could change her mind. She was supposed to be here for a few more days. But she could- she could reschedule, get an earlier flight. See Eddie. She could do that. “Yeah, I’ll be home soon. In like, two days.”

Eddie let out a happy sigh. It sounded happier, anyway.

“You’ll be here? In our room?”

Stevie didn’t like this. It wasn’t the vindicating feeling she’d been hoping for. Nothing about this felt good.

“I’ll be there,” Stevie said. “Eddie, we should probably-“

“You’re gonna ask for a new roommate, aren’t you?” Eddie asked, voice now devoid of emotion. “I fucked it up so bad that you’re gonna ask for a new roommate and it’s- it’s my fault. Those girls weren’t- they’re just friends. Actual friends. Not friends like you and me friends.”

Stevie wasn’t sure if this was pure honesty from Eddie or not. She was drunk. Could you trust the words a drunk person said?

“I don’t want a new roommate,” Stevie confessed, knowing now wasn’t the time for this. “It’s okay, Eddie. Why don’t you close your eyes?”

Stevie could hear breathing on the other line, the sound of someone shuffling into blankets. It made Stevie hurt even more, knowing that Eddie was in her bed.

“Smells like you,” Came the muffled reply. “Everything in her edoes. You smell like sunshine. I’m so sorry I ran you off. I always run people off.”

Stevie sniffled, an embarrassing noise.

“No,” Stevie disagreed, despite the fact that she had most definitely run to her dads because of Eddie. Mostly. That wasn’t the whole reason. “You don’t-“

“Will you come home?”

Stevie had already answered that. Eddie sounded tired now, sleepier than before.

“Close your eyes,” Stevie said as soothingly as possible when on the precipice of tears. It was silly just how worked up Eddie could get her in under five minutes. “It’s time to-“

“Don’t go,” Eddie mumbled into the phone. “Stay- let me fall asleep. Please?”

Stevie let out a harsh breath, body finally sagging back into the bed. She stared at the ceiling, the receiver held close to her ear.

“Okay,” She agreed, if only for now. “Go to sleep.”

And with that, Eddie began to softly snore.

—

Eddie wasn’t on the other line by morning.

There was no goodbye or good morning text. No reference to what had happened the night before. Eddie’s social media accounts were unused for the time being. Stevie wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or scream or both. Something. Surely Eddie could say literally anything. Stevie didn’t care if she was embarrassed-

Okay, she did. She did care.

She cared a little too much.

But still. Eddie could have thrown her a bone of some sort. It was incredibly obvious that Stevie was on edge for the next two days. And especially once she told Hilary and her father that she would be leaving soon. It was earlier than planned but they didn’t ask too many questions. Stevie was lucky for that, she wasn’t even sure where to begin. Going back to campus just to see the girl she had feelings for?

Not Stevie’s most shining moment.

Her flight home was lonely and quiet. Still, she wasn’t that under the weather mentally. Being with her father had helped a lot. Hilary had helped. Being around people who didn’t make Stevie feel abnormal helped.

It wasn’t until Stevie was back on campus that reality began to set in. She hadn’t told Robin because she rightfully figured that Robin would disprove of her reasoning for coming back. Stevie already kind of felt bad about that part.

Still. She needed to see Eddie.

Stevie expected her to not be in the dorms. She’d fired off a text to let Eddie know about her arrival and realistically, Stevie figured Eddie would run off.

What she got instead was a sleep bleary Eddie, rising up from her bed in stained pajamas and tangled hair.

Stevie froze in their doorway, mouth half open as Eddie stood stock still in the middle of their room. Her eyes darted toward Stevie’s bed, how obviously unmade it was. And then her face went bright red.

“Let me help you with-“ Eddie rushed to say, her voice gravely as she walked over and took a bag from Stevie. It was awkward at best, the very obvious use of movement to hide the fact that Eddie was clearly embarrassed. “Uh, how was- how was- wherever you went?”

And oh. Oh fuck.

Stevie hadn’t even told Eddie where she was going, had she? She’d just…dipped. And practically ignored her questions about it.

“My dads,” Stevie said, shutting the door behind them and kicking her shoes off. “It was- I just went to see my dad. It was good. Relaxing.”

Eddie nodded distractedly, dropping Stevie’s bag beside her bed. She stayed there, hands clenching and unclenching. Like she didn’t know what to do or what to say now.

“Are you okay?”

Stevie had to ask, there was no way she couldn’t. Eddie looked so distressed. Sad. It only made Stevie feel worse for acting up.

“Um,” Eddie mumbled, watching as Stevie crossed the room. She froze in place as Stevie grew closer, her eyes wide. “I think- I think- I think we need to be on opposite sides of the room right now.”

Oh.

That was-

“Because I’ll just kiss you,” Eddie explained weakly. “And that isn’t going to help anything.”

Stevie felt her belly flutter, an unwelcome feeling. Eddie was right. Stevie took a few steps toward her bed and sat down, hands resting neatly in her lap as she waited. There was no need to fight now, she’d already done all of that that she could handle for the next year.

Eddie hesitated, hands clenching again, before finally setting on her own bed. It was much less rumpled than Stevie’s.

“I’m sorry-“

“I’m sorry-“

They spoke at the same time, both gaping at each other as Eddie laughed nervously.

“You can- you can talk first if you-“

“Okay,” Eddie said somewhat urgently. “Yeah. Yeah, so. I’m sorry for calling you…like that. Drunk, I mean. I was feeling sorry for myself and I just-“

“Don’t be,” Stevie reassured her. “It’s not- it happens-“ Eddie gave her a doubtful look. “It does! It wasn’t a big deal. I promise.”

Eddie didn’t look remotely relieved.

“I still shouldn’t have upset you,” Eddie disagreed, shaking her messy hair out. “And those girls. They weren’t- it wasn’t like that. Nothing happened. I went out, I was lonely. Pretty sure I gave them the ick.”

Stevie snorted.

“Doubt that,” She murmured before clearing her throat. “It’s….well, it wasn’t okay. But it’s none of my business. I don’t- I don’t own you, Eddie. I’m sorry I ever acted like that. You’re your own person and I shouldn’t have-“

“No,” Eddie groaned, both palms sweeping over her face in an instant. “Please. Don’t- let’s not do that. I was actually very fucking mean to you for no reason, Stevie. Please, don’t do that.”

And then Eddie looked up.

Stevie had never seen Eddie actually tear up before.

“I don’t know why I’m like this,” Eddie admitted, reaching up to wipe at her eyes hastily. “Like. Explaining it only makes me feel like an asshole.”

Okay.

There was no need to feel that way.

“Would it help if I said I wanted you to explain it to me? Like you would a child?”

The joke fell flat but Eddie still laughed. It was a weak little noise, wheezed from her chest.

“Sure,” Eddie sighed and threw both arms up in mock defeat. “I dunno, it all started when I was a kid-“

That really did make Stevie laugh.

Eddie grinned, just a little, before sobering up.

“I…had a bad upbringing,” Eddie admitted with a grimace. “You heard about my parents and- and then I got left to Wayne and I love him to death but it’s hard to not feel like a massive burden sometimes. Like, I’m the kid he never really wanted to have. I know that’s- it’s not entirely true, right? He’s a good man.”

Eddie wasn’t looking at her, instead picking at a string on her pajamas. Stevie had never seen her look so defeated before. It didn’t feel right.

“But I just feel like- like I could disappoint him at any second and that feeling hasn’t gone away since he got custody of me,” Eddie sighed loudly. “That’s not even- anyway, I don’t know. I have a problem. I have a dating problem. A dating without dating problem. I think there’s some sort of- of mommy or daddy issue or both. Where I just- I just need to have someone hung up on me. Waiting for me, wanting me. It’s actually fucking sick.”

Stevie hated how Eddie looked right then. So sad that she couldn’t even look at Stevie. Honest and raw but without the bravery to turn toward her. Stevie couldn’t really blame her for that. At least she was admitting it.

“I told you about that older woman and like, she was- she was married for part of it? I’m not proud of that but-“ Eddie sniffed then, a tear falling. She didn’t really try to hide it. “She was. And I thought it was so much more serious than she thought it was. Like I really thought we were-“ Eddie interlocked her fingers. “Fucking soulmates or- I don’t know. You ever have someone just ghost you? Just. Just one day, they exist and the next, they don’t? And so, I thought- I assumed the worst but- but then I saw her, out and about with her husband and- and yeah, I don’t think I ever processed that one. Or anyone before or after that either. I don’t process things, I just keep going and I think that I can fix it if girls want me. If they want me, there’s nothing wrong with me. If they want me, I’m suddenly not the little trailer park dyke anymore. I’m like- I’m desirable and better and- it’s so stupid, Stevie. It is. I am so sorry I even-“

Oh.

Stevie felt like she’d been punched in the gut.

“It’s not even a good excuse,” Eddie said, actually fully crying now. Stevie couldn’t really believe her eyes. It was so unlike Eddie, so out of character to her normal attitude. “And you’re so out of my fucking league, dude. It’s not even- oh my god-“ Eddie laughed a little hysterically. “It’s so dumb that you even let me near you.”

It only made Stevie sad.

“You’re worth a lot more than that,” Stevie said softly, her voice pitched low. “Eddie, come on. That’s not- please, stop. Don’t act like you’re this- this disease or something. I think we just-“

“What?” Eddie asked with a sniff, non confrontational.

“Maybe we’re not at the right point,” Stevie admitted, even as it hurt her to do so. Eddie didn’t look shocked, not at all. “I just found out I’m a giant lesbian-“ Eddie giggled wetly at that. “I have no clue what I’m even doing. All of this is so much and- and on top of college, you know? Maybe we’re just missing the mark here and that’s okay.”

Was it okay?

So then why did Stevie feel so sick saying it?

“You think?” Eddie asked, frowning at Stevie but not arguing. Stevie wasn’t sure if that was better or worse right now.

“Maybe,” Stevie shrugged like the words didn’t hurt. It was an out, sort of. Eddie was hurting. She didn’t like that Eddie was hurting. “You’re- you’re an amazing person. I don’t like that you seem to think you need to be desired to- to, I don’t know. To be valued. That’s not okay. You’re a lot more than that-“ Stevie wasn’t sure if her words were falling flat. “I didn’t like that you belittled my sexuality or assumed who or what I am. But now I can see it’s just…you’re scared. That’s okay. It’s something to work on, I guess. Because I don’t like seeing you like this and-“

Stevie was on a roll before Eddie interrupted her.

“I really am sorry for that,” Eddie admitted shamefully. “I just start saying shit before I can stop. Sort of doing it right now.”

Stevie let a small smile peak through.

“I like that you can’t shut up,” She admitted. “Maybe it’s just- maybe we’re young, right? That’s all it is. We’re both young and stupid and-“

“This is the wisest you’ve ever been,” Eddie grinned despite the tears falling down her cheeks. “You’re a really amazing friend.”

Stevie felt it like a shot to her chest.

What a dramatic way to say that you felt like someone had slapped you without actually physically touching you. But there it was, all splayed out for her to examine with morbid curiosity. This is what you want, this is what’s best. Eddie has problems, Eddie can’t love you like that. Not the way you want her to.

Stevie pushed it down.

“Like, an actual friend?” Stevie asked, somewhat timid. This was good. She could convince herself of that. “Not the kind you fuck?”

Eddie’s smile told her she was doing the right thing here. Stevie needed space too, didn’t she? She needed less of this- of this mind boggling connection with her roommate.

“You’ve always been my friend,” Eddie shrugged. Like it was so easy. Like she wasn’t drowning. “But maybe we need to stop. For now.”

For now.

Stevie knew it was for the best.

Chapter Text

Stevie felt very dramatic.

To put it simply, she felt as thought she was processing the loss of a loved one. Only, that loved one was still around. Yawning too loud in the mornings, insisting on still having a movie night between them, bringing Stevie breakfast from the dining hall randomly.

The only thing that had truly changed was that Stevie wasn’t allowed to kiss Eddie. Or touch Eddie. Or long for Eddie. Or or or.

The crux of the matter was that Stevie should have just said something. Right? Open your mouth, get it out, let it lie. But that actually wasn’t all of it. No. Because while Stevie should have just said something, she knew the point was over and done with. There wasn’t a world in which she could see herself not being Eddie’s friend. It seemed dramatic for someone she had only met this year, sure. And it was. It was incredibly dramatic. She’d come back to her dorm at the drop of a dime, just so she could ship off again in four days. The true Holiday break.

And Stevie didn’t know where she was going, what she was to do with herself.

She had no real options, not unless she wanted to bother her Father and Hilary again. She definitely wasn’t going to do that. She knew her father wasn’t a big Christmas guy. Plus, Stevie got enough from her father, she didn’t need to add Christmas gifts to the list. Though, she was sure that Hilary might have something to say about that. Anyway, Stevie was the one who chose to leave so early. She could spend a week alone, she’d be just fine. And then she would have to apply to her classes, make sure she was set for after break. The two months would be fine. She had plans set, she always did. She knew her father wouldn’t mind her leaving for Europe or Mexico or- yeah, it didn’t really matter.

Confirm that she wanted to stay with her current dorm-mate.

It was stupid that Stevie had even felt the need to come back early. Sure, she got to talk things out with Eddie. But they’d then spent the night together, cuddling on Stevie’s bed as they watched a movie together. Eddie had disappeared in the morning and arrived back to the dorms with food.

She had an exam after that.

Stevie didn’t see much of her.

The funny thing was that….it didn’t feel like kind gestures. They were, don’t get her wrong. Eddie was a very kind person. But this felt- this felt like guilt. Like Eddie was trying to prove something. See, I still care. See, I can still touch you. Nothing weird to see here, Stevie. We’re just fine as friends!

Stevie was tired of waxing poetic about how much she personally didn’t care. When clearly, she cared quite a bit. Too much.

Stevie wasn’t sure what type of hold Eddie had on her. Maybe it was the mystical world of self discovery, sweeping Stevie off her feet and making her think every single new connection was magical. Maybe Stevie had never had someone pay so much attention to her before. Not like Eddie. That was probably her own fault. She dragged herself around like she hated the world and everyone in it some days. Maybe if she was happier, maybe people would notice her.

Maybe if she wasn’t built like-

No.

The negative thoughts were rampant, weren’t they? It was so very hard to not tie her self worth to this- this cataclysmic event in her life. And it wasn’t even cataclysmic! There was no catastrophe in another girl not wanting her! And yet it felt like Stevie had missed a step on a flight of stairs and tumbled her way down. Right onto the floor, bleeding out with the words ‘I told you so’ emblazoned on her fucking gravestone.

Robin would think it was dramatic.

Robin also had Chrissy now.

The sting was something that Stevie couldn’t cope with. And it wasn’t Robin or Chrissy’s fault, not at all. It just felt a lot like Stevie had gained a lot and lost a lot recently. Including weight, actually. It wasn’t the type of thing she had even noticed. And certainly not something she could be happy about. All she could think about when she looked in the mirror was how proud her mother would be. That was all.

Because she’d always wanted Stevie to be smaller. Quieter. Less and less, until she was nothing at all but a blemish on her mom’s life.

Stevie wanted to be whatever she wanted to be. No one else. There was no need to constantly worry about what her mother might think of her posts online. Though, Stevie was still too scared to block her mom on anything.

She wasn’t sure if her mom would freak out and physically visit her or not. Part of her wanted to find out, just for the vindictive satisfaction of it all. But no, she shouldn’t. Stevie didn’t need to cause herself more mental anguish. Not when she was already experiencing enough of the emotion.

She had to tell Eddie she was leaving.

But she needed a good lie.

It wasn’t that she necessarily wanted to lie to Eddie but….she kind of did. She didn’t want Eddie to know that she had left her fathers place just to come back to campus and beg her way back into Eddie’s good graces. It was more than embarrassing. It was- she just didn’t need to know, that was all. No need to add more on top of the pile labeled ‘Serious Misdeeds of Stevie Harrington.’ She was already kind of a wreck at the moment without Eddie knowing that Stevie was pathetically into her.

“I think I might just get a hotel room,” Stevie said, cringing to herself as Robin snacked on her lunch. She looked up at Stevie then, mouth half full of a turkey sandwich. Wide eyed. What? What had she said? They were just talking about the break and how Robin hadn’t left yet. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Stevie even looked behind her, somewhat wary that maybe Samantha or someone was stalking her in the dining hall.

“You’re dumb,” Robin said, mouth still full of bread. Ew. She swallowed roughly before continuing. “You’re coming home with me, obviously. Why’d you even come back? It wasn’t because of Eddie, was it? Because, I swear to god, she better not be-“

“Nope!” Stevie interrupted suddenly, shutting the book on that one immediately. Robin was already pretty annoyed with Eddie these days. “It’s not- no, I just- I wanted to. I had- I had stuff-“ Robin gave her a look. “It’s fine! A hotel room is fine, it’s great. We can FaceTime, I’ll be- it’s perfectly fine.”

It really was.

“Absolutely not,” Robin put her sandwich down, clearly very affronted now. “No, you’re coming with me. My mom will probably think you’re my girlfriend, so heads up in advance.”

Stevie gave Robin a curious look.

Robin simply shrugged, picking up her juice box and slurping at it.

“My mom used to have a lot more….issues with me being a big lezzo,” She admitted. “Not so much anymore. Her and my dad divorced, she gets alimony now. Turns out she was mostly like that because my dad forced her to be, so. Way happier now. Less mean.”

Oh.

Stevie realized she never asked Robin much about herself.

“Is it….is it awkward?”

“A bit,” Robin gave her a half smile. “But she’s trying, so that counts for something. She’s gone sort of eccentric over the last year. Cut all her hair off, dyed it pink at one point. Kind of thought she was gonna confess something to me. Unfortunately, my mom’s as straight as they come.”

Huh.

The difference between their moms seemed stark. It was interesting, however, that Stevie felt as though her father may have been put in a similar position. He also seemed much calmer and happier now.

“Please? My mom loves buying random thrift finds for people. She’ll have a field day if she I tell her I’m bringing a friend home.”

Oh. Stevie had never had that before.

She’d never been around people who were so…..seemingly normal.

“But I gotta warn you, my house isn’t fancy.”

Stevie didn’t care at all.

—

Stevie paced back and forth in the dorm, her suitcase already packed to leave. She had done it in a whirlwind, not even bothering to properly examine what she was putting inside. Leaving wasn’t the reason for her sudden anxiety, anyway.

Stevie knew Eddie would be back soon.

Saying goodbye for a week was going to be…

Weird?

Yes. Weird.

Stevie didn’t like saying goodbye to anybody but especially Eddie. Maybe that was a sign too. They were too dependent on one another, too locked into the other’s happiness. Stevie was glad she was getting out and going somewhere. Truth be told, Stevie would have just rotted away in an expensive hotel room. She would have probably gotten room service and then felt bad about it. Bought some wine she wasn’t supposed to have. Gotten drunk. She wasn’t even sure how many times she’d been drunk before.

And then she’d just end up sad.

Thank god for Robin.

Eddie arrived just in time, banging into the room with her guitar case.

She froze like that, one hand shutting the door behind her as she stared at Stevie.

Stevie couldn’t help all the thoughts tumbling through her brain in rapid fire. I know what you look like naked, I know what you look like when you cry, I know you.

She swallowed the sick feeling and smiled at Eddie.

“Where you off to?” Eddie asked, almost as if she already knew the answer. Her gaze drifted to Stevie’s bag as she sat her case down. “Thought it was kind of weird you came back so early. Since you left early, you know. I thought- are you going back to your dad’s?”

Eddie had this look about her.

This worried look.

“Actually,” Stevie kept the smile firmly planted on her lips. “I was invited to spend the holidays with Robin and her mom, so. That’s where I’m going. Figured it could be a nice change of pace.”

Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed at that.

“You- do you not have anywhere to go? I thought things went good with your dad. Is that not- were you just gonna be alone?”

Uh oh.

Yeah, Eddie looked way too worried now.

Stevie had to stop this before they started talking about the actual break, didn’t she? She didn’t want to make things even weirder.

“I- I just decided to leave early and going back would be kind of odd now, I think. I dunno. Maybe I’m overthinking it.”

Eddie didn’t seem to like that answer.

“Why’d you come back early again?”

Fuck.

Stevie suddenly couldn’t remember. Call it captivation by Eddie’s dark brown puppy dog eyes but….fuck.

“Uh- results. Exam. Exam stuff,” Stevie said quickly, tripping over her own words. God, were either of them going to sit down? “Anyway, it’s- I had a great time at my dad’s. Just thought I’d give this a try.”

Stevie had the distinct feeling that she had just said the wrong thing. There was something off about Eddie now. She looked stormy, angsty in a way.

Oh.

It hit Stevie so suddenly that her knees felt weak.

But how the fuck was she supposed to address the elephant in the room if she hadn’t even known it existed in the first place?

“I’m not- Robin has Chrissy,” Stevie said, feeling a lot like she shouldn’t have to explain that part. It was true. Robin did have Chrissy. Eddie knew that. “We’re- we’re friends. We’ve always been just friends.”

Friends like you and me?

“Oh,” Eddie tried to not look surprised. Stevie was honestly shocked that she could tell. It was written all over her face, expectant and surprised. “Oh, um. No, yeah. I knew that, I totally-“

Stevie hated this.

The relief on Eddie’s face told her enough. Did it matter? She couldn’t force Eddie to fully want her, to be into her. Eddie had some sort of misguided type of jealousy that she herself had even admitted to. It was something Eddie needed to work past. Stevie wasn’t even sure if Eddie liked her or just the concept of her. Being possessive over her, fucking her. Anything she could take ahold of. Stevie hadn’t minded that for a bit, using someone while being used. But she could see it now, right there in the divots of Eddie’s frown. Relief, sure. But only barely.

“I gotta leave in a minute,” Stevie interrupted, cheeks coloring as the words slipped out. It felt painful to be in the same room with Eddie when they’d cuddled just last night. When Eddie had fallen asleep in Stevie’s bed, her sheets already scented like Eddie’s cologne. “Um, we’re driving. So, it’s gonna be a long one.”

Eddie nodded politely, up and down.

And then she cleared her throat, hands twitching at her sides.

“Can I-“ Eddie broke off, fish mouthing for a second or two. The air was thick and uncomfortable between them. “Can I hug you? Goodbye? Is that….”

It fell flat.

Stevie wanted to say no. She wanted to stomp her feet and ask why Eddie wanted her on the other side of the room so badly if she was just going to keep sliding in close to Stevie. Breaking the invisible barricade between them, again and again.

“Sure.”

It wasn’t as enthusiastic as she wanted it to sound. Normally, she was better at playing pretend.

Eddie stepped forward anyway, hesitation in each step as she came to stand in front of Stevie.

How was it that a year ago, no one hugged Stevie at all? The touch was rare and fleeting, the kind of thing she only experienced with acquaintances when they were saying hello. It was never real, nothing more than being hugged by a stranger or a pseudo friend with a pseudo knife to your throat. Stevie wasn’t used to it. Now she had all these people, all these people who wanted to hug her like they actually meant it.

Eddie was the top of the list.

The most comfortable arms she had ever spent time in.

And also the worst, that too.

Stevie allowed herself this, a moment of bare idiocy as she wrapped her arms around Eddie’s neck and tucked her nose in tight against her pale skin. She smelled the same as always, with traces of Stevie mixed in. The metaphor was there. Stevie was too exhausted to make it.

Eddie’s hands felt steady on Stevie’s waist. It made sense. No part of Stevie was uncharted territory for Eddie. She was used to this. That was the difference.

Stevie had a lot to say but no way to really say it.

I barely know you at all.

I thought I knew you better.

I hope I don’t have to watch you be with anyone else.

“I’m gonna miss you,” Eddie whispered, fingers latching behind Stevie’s back. Sure sure sure, steady as the sea. But Stevie felt like she was going to fall overboard. Probably drown too, fuck. “So much.”

It’s a fucking week.

Stevie pulled back then, the abruptness laying a cold front between them.

“Me too,” Stevie said, her brain going fuzzy. She had to leave, had to stop. Otherwise she’d turn into an embarrassing mess of a girl. “But it’s only a week, yeah? I hope you have a good- a good Christmas and- and New Year. “

Eddie shrugged.

“Only a week,” She said, smiling wryly as Stevie pulled out of their hug. Never mind the after. Never mind that Stevie was trying not to think about spending two months away from Eddie. She already felt dramatic enough as is.

She uttered something about how it would be boring, how she’d just be with Wayne.

Stevie couldn’t really hear her anymore.

—

Robin and Stevie traded places halfway through their drive. It was chaotic at best as they went, the heater on blast. Stevie had insisted on paying for gas the way there and back, despite the way Robin protested repeatedly. She told Robin it was her. Christmas present and that seemed to shut her up.

It made Stevie feel bad that she hadn’t gotten Eddie anything. It wasn’t- it wasn’t intentional. Not at all. Stevie’s family had never been big on holidays, so. She had kind of just…forgotten. Now she felt bad. Then again, should she? She wasn’t, like…it wasn’t a big deal. Eddie hadn’t gotten her anything either. Not that she expected anything. God no. Eddie was busy all the time. She probably-

Anyway.

Stevie was just glad that she was going somewhere with a friend.

They bought snacks along the way and spent most of the time talking or listening to music.

Stevie felt like she was finally experiencing all the things people had talked about growing up. Road-trips, platonic cuddling, heartbreak. All of it. Sometimes she wasn’t sure if she had the capacity to hold it all in. She wasn’t sure if she would burst from happiness or sadness first.

By the time they arrived, Stevie expected Robin’s mom to be asleep. She wasn’t.

She greeted them in the driveway, her auburn hair wild around her pink cheeks as she pulled Robin into a bone crushing hug. She wore a flowing nightgown that reminded Stevie of a peacock and fuzzy pink slippers on both feet. Her nails were long and red and she had a thick southern accent.

Stevie kind of loved her already.

“Oh, you’re just precious,” She said as she pulled Stevie into a tight hug too. It threw off and not just metaphorically. She almost dropped her bag. “Let’s get you two inside, I’m liable to freeze my tits off out here.”

Stevie’s eyes widened as Robin complained about her mom’s language. But she looked happy. Stevie was glad they’d worked things out.

—

Dinner with Robin and Pauline was hectic. She was a loud woman, boisterous as she laughed with her daughter and Stevie. It was nice to see, actually. There was nothing particularly ‘couth’ about Pauline. She was a messy eater, dribbling spaghetti sauce down her front but apologizing for it. She didn’t care that you could see her cleavage. Her legs were unshaved as she crossed them. Her eyebrows were over plucked, probably a product of her teen years.

Stevie already kind of loved her.

It helped that she seemed to love her daughter so much. It didn’t sting the way that Stevie expected it to, seeing another girl her age be loved by her own mother. No, Stevie liked this. It was nice. There was no telling how much turmoil Robin had gone through as a child, knowing that she was gay and was too scared to say anything about it.

Pauline even had a rainbow flag in her kitchen, proudly hanging from the tiny window above her sink.

Stevie felt welcomed.

Pauline did seem to think they were dating though.

“I do wish Robbie would have let me know she was bringing a pretty girl home,” Pauline wiggled her eyebrows at Stevie, sipping on her hot tea. Even her cups were multicolored. “She’s so elusive, this one. Only told me she was bringing a friend.”

Robin gulped down more spaghetti, clearly starving even after their snacks in the car.

Nothing like a mom’s homemade meal. Honestly, Stevie wouldn’t know. The spaghetti was good though, even though Pauline had apologized for it being leftovers from the fridge. It didn’t matter, Stevie was grateful.

“Ew,” Robin gargled out, not bothering to cover her mouth. “Ab-tho-lut-leh not.” She tried her best to clear her throat. “I told you I was bringing a girl, just not- oh my god. Not like that.”

She turned to Stevie and gave her a ‘no offense’ grimace. It only made Stevie laugh, her face heating up.

“We’re- uh, we’re just friends,” Stevie smiled politely, glad that Pauline hadn’t asked Stevie about her own sexuality. It was still something she was struggling to say out loud. “Robin isn’t my type.”

Pauline cackled at that, as Robin leaned over to thump Stevie on her bicep.

Ouch.

“Her type is like…” Robin made a funny gesture with her hand. “Biker girl who’s too nerdy to own a bike.”

Pauline sighed dreamily. What?

“I remember when I used to go around to the biker bars,” She said, causing her daughter to frown in disgust. “Those men were somethin’ else, they were. They had hands the size of dinner plates-“

“Oh my god,” Robin said in a mortified voice. Stevie tried to hold her laughter in. “Please don’t, I just ate.”

—

Stevie slept like a baby.

Only to be awoken by a wild banshee,
cannonballing on her guest room bed like a wild animal. That was how Robin and Stevie ended up in a violent tickle fight, only ending when Stevie finally begged for mercy, out of breath with tears in her eyes.

Robin was different in the morning too.

Less held back.

“Race you for cereal.”

Stevie wasn’t even sure what that meant but it definitely sent on her a wild chase through Robin’s small childhood home.

She felt like a kid again.

Sure, being with Hilary and her father was great. But Stevie had been a lonely child, even with her sister around. They weren’t close and lacked the capacity to become close. She was simply too much like their mother. So, Stevie had spent most of her time alone. Quiet. Well behaved. She wasn’t used to running around and laughing loudly.

It was a different world altogether.

They baked cookies and watched Christmas movies together into the night, right until both Robin and Stevie passed out on the couch. Stevie even managed to not constantly check her phone for signs of life. She didn’t need to, not when she was busy here. The next day was much the same, a day spent at home with two women who were both unafraid to be loud and big.

Robin wanted to go buy a few gifts on the third day, pulling Stevie from the safety net of her home and into a few thrift stores.

Even that part was fun. Stevie never realized just how much she’d been holding back, especially in public. Her mom had crafted a perfect little demure angel out of her from birth. She would fucking hate Robin’s snorting laugh just as much as the clerk at Goodwill hated it.

Stevie loved it though. She loved Robin a lot, she realized. In a way that she had never felt before, a pure platonic love. It was something that she probably should have felt for her sister. The kind of love you feel for a sibling. Robin was more of a sister to her these days than her own biological one, really.

Each day passed with enough activity that Stevie didn’t feel the constant urge to call or text Eddie. It was only during the night that she got sad, glancing over her phone like she could will the other girl into actually talking to her.

The only text she received was on Christmas Eve night.

‘Merry Christmas, Stevie. I hope it’s a good one.’

It felt…..not good.

What even were they at this point? Were they really friends? Friends who couldn’t stay in the same room together? Friends who couldn’t talk anymore? It was-

Yeah, Stevie couldn’t dwell on it.

Pauline bought Stevie a wonderful vintage sweater with flowers on it, a few books, and a ton of candy. It was the best Christmas she’d had in ages.

Her father and Hilary texted, confirming Stevie’s suspicions that Hilary was more of a holiday person than her dad. She’d sent a gift to Stevie after asking for her favorite color days prior. Stevie had said pink. She suspected that she had a new handbag waiting for her in her PO Box.

Altogether, Stevie as happy. Even with the Eddie shaped hole in heart, she was still happy. Maybe that was exactly what she needed.

To be happy away from Eddie.

To not have her constantly influencing Stevie.

She hated even more that she felt some sort of relief, like putting balm on a recent burn. It was healing, being away from it all. Stevie hated that part, hated that she even wanted to be away from Eddie.

It wasn’t Eddie’s fault.

But it did make it easier to sleep at night.

—

New Years was-

Stevie wasn’t the type to party.

She was glad that Robin wasn’t either. They’d had so much of that lately, going out and ending the night on such low notes. Robin spent a good portion of the night on the phone with Chrissy. Which was fine. Really, it actually was.

Stevie liked Pauline a lot. She was good company.

They drank glasses of cheap champagne and made tacos in her eclectic kitchen.

“I am so sorry my daughter is being anti social,” She joked, winking at Stevie as she chopped up veggies. “I really did think you might be her mystery girl. Can you tell me about her? Robin is so…secretive. Not that I blame her.”

There was a hint of regret in her words.

Stevie smiled, only slightly tipsy from her two glasses of champagne.

“Her name’s Chrissy,” Stevie said, like it really was a secret. She didn’t want to say too much but….she figured Pauline wouldn’t tell Robin that Stevie had ratted her out. “Really sweet girl, just got out of college. I think she’s a couple years older than Robin.”

Pauline seemed to like this information just enough.

“Think I can find her on Facebook?”

Stevie laughed until her cheeks turned red.

—

Stevie shouldn’t have even opened instagram.

It had only been a week though, surely Eddie couldn’t be up to anything. It would be silly to think that-

But this was Eddie.

Eddie was always up to something.

Stevie knew she was visiting her uncle. She’d mentioned some cousins too. Stevie wasn’t- there was nothing to worry about. Realistically.

Or so she had told herself.

Eddie was out. Her instagram story wasn’t even that crazy or anything, just snapshots of a night out with people Stevie didn’t recognize at all. She didn’t want to- it was fine. Eddie had friends who weren’t her and that was okay. Stevie only felt sting because she herself had never had friends growing up, not real ones. But see? Stevie was having a great time with Robin. Why wasn’t Eddie allowed to do the same?

Just before midnight, Stevie’s phone began to ring.

She had to excuse herself as she looked at the contact, her face flooding with heat.

Stevie locked herself inside the downstairs bathroom, her heart lodged in her throat.

“Hello?” She asked, only hearing pure noise on the other end. Music and voices and pure chaos.

“Stevie,” Eddie greeted much too loudly. The slur of her voice was obvious, her mouth probably pressed to her phone like she thought Stevie wouldn’t be able to hear her. “Hey! Stevie! It’s almost- it’s almost New Year!”

Stevie didn’t want to smile.

“It is almost New Year,” She said fondly, perfectly sober. Mimicking the mistake Eddie had made. Eddie sounded like she was walking, moving somewhere. “Are you alright?”

“Me?” Eddie asked, sounding confused. “I’m- you know, I’ve never been better. Miss you though. Wish you would have come seen Wayne with me but- but I didn’t ask.”

Uh oh.

Stevie bit down on a grimace, ready to intervene before Eddie could-

“You didn’t ask either,” Eddie didn’t sound accusatory, she just sounded sad. “But it’s New Year! And- and I wanna be a better friend to you. Wanna be what you deserve.”

Stevie couldn’t do this right now.

The countdown was about to start anyway. She couldn’t deal with the way Eddie sounded, how soft her voice had gone. It was too much. She had to go back to school soon enough, she had to see Eddie again. Just a couple of months and they hadn’t even-

They hadn’t discussed it at all. Any of it.

Now wasn’t the time.

Stevie was going to look into staying somewhere, maybe going abroad again. Anything.

“You are,” Stevie said, losing her sense of self again. It was too much to deal with right now, she felt herself already beginning to go numb. “I’m gonna miss you, Eddie. I really am.”

Eddie let out a strangle sounding laugh.

“You’re my roomie,” She slurred out. “It doesn’t matter. Just a little bit and we’ll be back at school and- and it’ll be fine-“

“I’ll see you before I leave,” Stevie rushed to say, her words tumbling over one another. “I’ll- I still have to pack, so. I’ll see you.”

There was a prolonged moment of silence.

The countdown was beginning, Stevie could hear it. She could hear Robin too, back in the living room with her mom.

“Stevie,” Eddie said slowly, like she was about to break some really terrible news. “I already- I packed my stuff. I’m staying with Wayne over the break. I thought I told you that.”

She hadn’t.

In fact, Stevie was almost certain they’d talked about seeing each other again in just a week. What? Eddie hadn’t even mentioned- she hadn’t said that.

“That’s-“ It was so stupid, getting this upset over something inconsequential. It wasn’t even a big deal. “Okay, that’s fine.”

A pause.

“Please, don’t be mad. I had to.”

That kind of confirmed it for Stevie.

Eddie hadn’t been planning to leave immediately. She didn’t live as far as Robin, the drive wasn’t even- no, she’d made this decision recently. After saying goodbye to Stevie. She’d decided to cut her off and-

It wasn’t that dramatic.

Stevie took a deep breath.

“It’s alright, Eddie,” She said as kindly as possible. And she meant it too. Eddie deserved peace if Stevie deserved peace. She was just trying to cope with the concept. “Really, it’s fine. It- it would be pointless, anyway. You’d waste a bunch of gas-“ Never mind that Stevie would have paid for it in a second. “It’s for the best.”

Right.

Maybe not the best line.

“Yeah,” Eddie said, voice going soft. “I guess it is. Happy New Year, Stevie.”

By the time Stevie arrived into the living room, the ball was already dropping. Robin had a tiny little streamer popper at the ready, cheering obnoxiously enough that Stevie could only laugh and join in.

It was fine, really. It needed to be.

—

Stevie tried to convince Robin to go with her.

“It’ll be fun!” She said, eyes already burning from the concoction Robin was layering onto Stevie’s thick hair. Stevie saw her grimacing in the mirror, staring at the bottle of bleach in her hand like she wasn’t truly sure what she was doing. She definitely wasn’t but that was okay.

Or Stevie was convincing herself it was okay.

She decided to stay for a few more days.

In those days, Robin had somehow convinced Stevie to dye her hair. It wasn’t the type of thing Stevie had ever considering doing before, not realistically. She was terrified of fucking with her hair. It was a whole part of her personality. Plus, Stevie’s mom would have never allowed her to damage it. She had spent most of her childhood using expensive shampoos and conditioners, never getting haircuts unless she needed them for a little trim. She had long hair even now but it was mostly a preference that she separated from her mothers desperate need to control her appearance. And now Robin had her sat in the bathroom, a bottle of bleach in hand. It hasn’t really taken much convincing.

Pink.

They were putting pink streaks in her hair.

Realistically, Stevie could have gone to a salon.

She didn’t want to. This felt more authentic.

“I have to work,” Robin sang the words, fingers tangling into Stevie’s hair. “I am simply a peasant and I have to make wages for the scraps that I-“

Stevie rolled her eyes fondly.

“I could pay you to hang out with me.”

Robin gave her an amused look in the mirror.

“Yeah,” Stevie winced. “That sounded pathetic. Ignore that I just did that, oh my god. Who am I?”

The hair came out better than expected, especially considering Stevie hadn’t expected much at all. She definitely wasn’t about to tell Robin that though.

Her hair was still the same color, mostly. But with strands of a lighter blond, mixed in with a bright pink. It was a lot more intense than anything Stevie had ever done.

And perfect for her trip, too.

Stevie was excited to be making her way to France for two months, her name already signed for a two month lease in a very nice flat. She wasn’t sure how much time she would spend out and about but…

She would have to fill her time with something valuable.

Chapter Text

1 month, three weeks, and five days later.

—

“I can’t believe you have a job,” Stevie rolled her eyes heavily as she unlocked her flat door and shouldered her way in, her one grocery bag slipping off her shoulder and nearly tumbling to the floor. “I mean, I knew I raised you right but-“

“It was a volunteer program,” Stevie said, blushing as she sat her bag down. “And it’s almost over with, anyway. I think most people would find it odd that you’re coddling me for doing something pretty normal.”

She was joking, of course.

Sort of.

Her volunteer work at a local French hospital would be ending soon. Stevie had enjoyed it for the time being, even if her French wasn’t great. She didn’t really have all the time she wanted to get better at it.

But it was a good time. She felt useful. She didn’t feel dumb.

“Meet any cute girls?” Her dad asked, completely ignoring what she’d just said.

“No,” Stevie said, snorting as she pulled out the meager bread and fruit she’d just bought on her way back. It wasn’t much but it was enough for the next two days. She would be going home soon. Or….back to campus. She had already filled out her schedule with all the classes she wanted to take, even throwing in an elective ceramics class. She probably wouldn’t have much time for tennis club this semester but that was okay. Stevie was okay. “Unfortunately not. Stop trying to squirrel your way into my love life, dad.”

And that had changed too.

Her dad now called every few days, eager to see what she was up to. When she would be visiting again. To berate her for not just spending the break with them.

But no. Stevie had needed some time to herself.

And it had been a great time too. Minus the complete lack of communication with you know who. Stevie was trying hard to not think about, too hyper focused on the fact that she knew Eddie was out there doing things. Probably still with her Uncle, probably working.

It made Stevie itchy at best.

She texted Eddie a couple of times, her replies weak at best. After two weeks of that, Stevie had sort of given up on talking to her at all. Robin still called, they still FaceTimed when Robin had time off from her tutoring gig.

Stevie was slowly starting to feel like maybe the huge wound in her chest was healing. Or at the very least it was beginning to scab over. It took a couple of weeks for her to stop checking Eddie’s instagram. Not that it mattered, she barely posted now.

Stevie did miss her.

“Stevie?”

Oh fuck.

“Sorry!” She rushed to apologize, realizing she’d been staring into her fridge for a few minutes. Just standing there with her phone to her ear, thinking about Eddie. “I uh, I got distracted-“

Her father gave her a diplomatic reply (not really, he waxed poetic about how much she hated him) and then they finally said their goodbyes.

Stevie went to bed that night with one thing on her mind: going back to school.

Two months was nothing, it went by so quickly. But somehow, it also felt like the longest time in the world. It felt like Stevie had done so much in such a little time. Maybe she needed that time away to be fully okay again. Or half okay, maybe.

Time would tell.

—

The flight back was a rough one, as Stevie never really liked flying in the first place. She hadn’t brought much to France with her but that didn’t really matter, Stevie was a known shopper.

She definitely had a few things to bring back.

She ended up convincing her father to pick them up for her and store them at his place for a few months, though not without some good natured teasing.

Stevie didn’t feel too bad.

The man described himself as a piñata full of money, anyway. For once, it felt like an apt joke and not like he was trying to buy her affections with money.

Robin wouldn’t be back for another two days, so Stevie was on her own until then. That was fine. She had already seen that Eddie had signed on for another semester in the same dorm, which was a relief for Stevie. Even if Eddie wouldn’t talk to her, it was still a huge relief.

The first text came through as soon as Stevie stepped foot on campus, a ding that sent her spiraling as soon as she looked at her phone.

Eddie.

Stevie didn’t have much to move back into her dorm, nothing serious. She had already seen couple of bags but-

‘Hey idk if ur back on campus but I’m in the dining hall, I’ll probably be late tonight’

Stevie swallowed the hurt. It wasn’t supposed to hurt, was it? Not after months of being away. Stevie didn’t care, not really. Eddie was busy, she’d always been busy. Maybe she was just envisioning a warmer welcome, that was all. They hadn’t really talked in ages. Or it felt like ages, even if Stevie knew it hadn’t been. It was enough to have her yearning, a feeling that she had hoped to extinguish by now.

But Stevie was nothing if not an absolute idiot.

The dorm was spotless, the sheets torn off from before. Eddie had her bags stacked on top of her bed, neat and packed away like she hadn’t even bothered to take anything out. Like maybe she had been in a rush.

Stevie couldn’t just sit in the dorm and wait.

She missed Eddie.

So, very stupidly, Stevie decided to make her way to the dining hall.

—

The thing was, this was kind of Eddie’s fault.

The dining hall was- it was a neutral zone. It was supposed to be. It wasn’t the dorms, it wasn’t a club. It wasn’t a random frat house full of tipsy girls. They weren’t supposed to- it was an unspoken rule, wasn’t it? Or it was in Stevie’s mind. The dining hall was a neutral zone, just like every other classroom in campus. Just like- well, none of that was true. Eddie had never had a hard time finding girls anywhere she went, had she?

It was the fucking dining hall.

Stevie had never wanted to eat less in her life.

All that accomplishment, all the volunteering, all the meeting new people whose numbers were now sealed into her phone, all of it. It felt like a moot point. Stevie knew you couldn’t heal a broken heart in a couple of months. Logically, she knew that you couldn’t. It wasn’t realistic, no matter how much she tried and tried to convince herself. No matter how many nights she spent awake, staring at the phone she had sat across the room, simply so she wouldn’t go looking for signs of life and disappoint herself.

Or worse, she could have called Eddie.

She could have dialed her number, any of those lonely nights. She could have maybe not have repeatedly lied to Robin about how good she was doing. Because Stevie had been doing good, she had. She was distracted and busy and-

Yeah, that was the crux of it.

Distracted and busy.

And then there was this.

Eddie was sat on the other end of the hall.

With a girl.

It wasn’t someone Stevie had ever met before.

And it wouldn’t have been damning at all, not really. Nancy was there too, sat next to a boy with mousy brown hair. They seemed close, leaning toward each other like maybe they were dating.

Laughing and giggling and fucking talking, an invisible barrier circling the group of them. Like Stevie was being warned off, like she wasn’t meant to see this.

The girl was leaning against Eddie, her hair a dark green. Messy and short. She had an arm stretched around Eddie’s shoulders and she kept rubbing her cheek against Eddie like a cat. Her tattoos were bold, stretched across her arms and hiding beneath the short sleeved shirt she wore. She was tiny, like a fairy. A fucking fairy.

There was a spark of something inside Stevie, something that she thought had already died and rotted in her chest. She had a split second moment, this disgusting little seed that planted and sprouted. She wanted to take the tray in front of them and upend it over their heads, cover them in their own food. Wipe the stupid little looks off both of their faces. She wanted to watch the shock unroll on Eddie’s face, wanted her to have to see how absolutely destroyed Stevie was in this moment.

Because as much as Stevie hated that this girl was rubbing herself all over Eddie, Eddie’s face was…

Reverent. Sweet.

She was blushing.

She leaned in and kissed the green haired girl on the nose, just a peck. Stevie felt that same horrible feeling blossom, old dirt kicking around in her lungs like she couldn’t breathe right, like it was lodged in there and she wouldn’t even be able to cough it out.

Fuck.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Stevie had been good. She had- she’d worked on herself, she’d gone away and worked on herself and kept away from girls and this wasn’t supposed to happen.

She was already catastrophizing, her heart beating out of her chest as she stared in horror.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

She wanted to stomp her feet and scream, the noise building in her throat. Was it sadness or frustration? Why couldn’t Eddie ever just wait? Why couldn’t she just take a second and stop and wait? Why did she always have to move onto a new person, a new girl, every single time something happened-

No no no. We are not doing this.

You chose to not tell her, Stevie.

You chose to not lay everything out on the line. You chose to be her friend, no matter what. This is the no matter what, this is the other side of the coin. This is what you get for being a coward.

Stevie couldn’t do this anymore.

She tucked her tail between her legs and made her way back to the dorms, determined to be asleep by the time Eddie got back.

—

“I think I want a tattoo,” Stevie said, still feeling quite stormy as she shoved a carrot in her mouth and chewed it into dust. Robin froze as she sat her tray down, mouth open in shock. Was it that shocking? Would it not go with her new image? “What?”

There was a best of silence as Robin squinted her eyes.

“We’ve been back for one day,” She said slowly, as if Stevie didn’t already know this simple fact. One day, yeah. And she had yet to see her fucking roommate yet. Funny thing, that. “Is there something…wrong?”

Stevie shoved another carrot in her mouth and shrugged.

The last thing she wanted to do was worry Robin. Actually, that wasn’t true. The last thing she wanted to do was admit that she still had feelings for Eddie. And she definitely wasn’t about to tell Robin about the green haired girl. Fuck no.

“A little annoyed that Eddie never showed up last night,” Stevie said, trying to come off as nonchalant. “It’s not- it’s not a big deal. I just kind of wanted to see her, since it’s been- and she didn’t. But she did text me, so. I guess that makes up for it.”

It didn’t make up for it.

Stevie wanted to start throwing her fucking carrots at people. Eddie hadn’t even shown up late, the little liar. The least she could do was face Stevie.

“That’s….kind of shitty,” Robin said, almost as if she was trying to tread lightly. That was fair, Stevie was usually pretty protective of Eddie. She probably needed to stop being that way. “Does that have anything to do with this sudden want for a tattoo?”

And see. Yeah, kind of.

It kind of did.

And didn’t.

Stevie was just angry. She was mad about a lot of things. She thought she had found peace while she was away but as it turned out, she’d just been packing her hurt away. Ignoring it like it might just go away on its own.

“My mom hates them,” Stevie said simply, calming down as she picked her water up to take a drink. “She…yeah, she really hates them. She actually has one, a dolphin on her ankle. I always thought it was weird that she wouldn’t get it lazerd off. Anyway, it’s kind of….that. I want to change. I wanna…do more. Be more adventurous.”

Robin didn’t look fully convinced.

Stevie wasn’t lying. All of this was just a further catalyst. There was a small part of her that knew it would look like she was doing it for Eddie, like Stevie just wanted to look like the girls Eddie actually liked. And yeah, she had considered that. But it wasn’t Stevie. She could admit that it wasn’t her. Going all the way with it, covering her body. She loved Eddie’s tattoos in a way that was sort of concerning.

She just wanted something for herself.

She just wanted to feel like she was experiencing life.

—

Stevie and Robin had time.

It was actually probably a good thing. Stevie was the type of girl to back out if given too much time to do so. She already had nervous butterflies. Robin had even given in and decided to get one with Stevie, her confidence only waning when she started asking how sharp the needles were.

They’d decided to walk in to a random tattoo shop that had good ratings online, some place called ‘Captains’

Stevie wasn’t sure who the captain was but-

But the tattoo artist was certainly interesting.

Stevie was looking for a flash sheet tattoo, glancing over all the framed photos on the walls. She had no clue what she wanted. Something small, maybe something she could hide well if she wanted to. Or not. Maybe not.

“You like the butterflies?” Someone asked to her left, sending Stevie a foot into the air as she jumped in shock. She could hear Robin snickering nearby like a jackass.

Stevie turned to see-

What could only be the tattoo artist, since it certainly wasn’t the front desk girl. She’d mentioned someone named Lottie.

Lottie was tall and slightly mean looking, with thin black eyebrows and jet black hair. It was curly and short, cropped near the back of her head. Her dark eyes were sort of alluring, distracting Stevie from whatever she had just asked.

“Uh-“ Stevie stammered, hoping she wasn’t staring too hard. “Yeah, I do. I guess that’s kind of….stereotypical.”

Lottie smirked at her. Openly.

She had chokers on.

Stevie was staring.

“Pretty girls usually go for the butterfly tattoos,” She raised an eyebrow and looked Stevie up and down. “Guess the stereotype stands.”

She wasn’t making fun of Stevie.

No, she was hitting on Stevie.

What the fuck?

“Oh,” Stevie had literally no idea what to say now. She was floundering, trying her best to come up with something witty to say. Lottie had some kind of otherworldly confidence, especially considering Stevie was pretty sure she wasn’t even very obviously gay. Lottie didn’t seem to care at all. Somehow, that made her more attractive. “Uh, yeah. Butterflies. I choose- yeah, that one.”

She pointed at a random blue butterfly, her eyes wider than saucers. She probably looked crazy. She could fucking feel Robin watching along, probably happy she wasn’t the one being embarrassing for once, the little shit.

“I like that one too,” Lottie said. She wasn’t even looking at the tattoos, oh my god. “I’ll take you first. What’s your name?”

Stevie cut a look back at Robin as she made her way to Lottie’s room, panicked and anxious.

Robin only looked pleased.

—

“That’s good,” Lottie said smoothly, wiping away some ink as Stevie barely flinched. The pain wasn’t that bad, actually. It wasn’t as intense as she had expected it to be. The tattoo was a small one, a blue little butterfly situated in the space just to the side of her collarbone, the front of her shoulder. It meant she had to take her shirt off and wear the tube too they provided. Which was ab embarrassing event because while Lottie was very polite about it, Stevie absolutely could not escape the woman’s smirk as she readied Stevie got her tattoo. “You’re doing so well.”

Sweet mother Mary, Stevie was going to die in this tattoo shop.

“Thank you,” She managed to squeak, sure that her face was bright red. “That’s- thank you.”

Lottie giggled a little.

“Sorry,” She said, wrinkling her nose up. She was so close, Stevie could see every freckle on her nose. “I can stop. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable. You seem sweet. I don’t usually hit on clients.”

Stevie kind of doubted that.

She knew Lottie’s type. She was currently dealing with the turmoil of Lottie’s type on a regular basis.

“It’s fine,” Stevie interjected quickly. Lottie set about doing another line of her tattoo, glancing up at Stevie for a moment. “It’s- I should get used to it, so.”

Lottie lifted one eyebrow.

“Not like that!” Stevie said, realizing how she sounded. “I don’t get hit on often. Not by girls, so. It always kind of…throws me off. I am gay. I’m- yeah, just so-“

“I am so glad you’re gay, Stevie.”

Lottie looked so amused by her, Stevie was about ready to faint.

She hadn’t felt like this in ages, not since-

It wasn’t the same.

She deflated a little at the thought.

“Can I give you my number when you leave?” Lottie asked casually. Just like that. Like she didn’t even care. God, did Stevie have a type? “In case you need a friend.”

Stevie definitely did.

Maybe.

Probably not.

She said yes anyway.

—

By the time Stevie arrived back at her dorm, it was already dark. She’d managed to get back just before curfew, thank fuck. She didn’t really feel like dealing with getting a talking to tonight.

Robin was excited over her tattoo, a small ladybug on her ankle. She said it hurt like a bitch but now she had street cred. She also made enough jokes about how much Chrissy was going to drool over it, that Stevie had to eventually warn to tape her mouth shut.

It was a good day, all things considered.

Naturally, life would have to come in swinging to ruin things for Stevie.

That was dramatic. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. Just. Eddie was in the dorms.

Alone, thankfully.

She hopped out of the bed as soon as Stevie opened the door, looking horribly suspicious.

“What?” Stevie asked, shutting the door behind her and locking it. She didn’t mean to snap the word, it just felt like a natural response at this point. She was trying to hold herself back.

“Your hair,” Eddie said, mouth open. “It’s…”

Oh. Oh yeah.

Stevie reached up and touched the smooth waves, twisting her fingers into them briefly.

“Yeah, I needed a change.”

The words went stale in the air.

“Uh…” Eddie trailed off, standing there sort of awkwardly. “It looks…good. It’s good to see you! I didn’t realize you’d gotten back until this morning because I hadn’t come back…to the dorm….yet…”

Eddie was being uncomfortably awkward now.

Right. Because she’d spent the night somewhere else. It was fine. Stevie allowed her icy exterior to thaw out. She’d had a good night.

“That’s okay,” Stevie said, smiling for real this time. Despite it all, she likes seeing Eddie. And she looked rested too. She had made color to her cheeks. Stevie couldn’t deny that. “You sent me a text, so. I appreciate that.”

“Right,” Eddie swallowed hard. “Where, uh. Where have you been? Today?”

Why did she sound like that?

Stevie furrowed her brow and made her way to her bed. She had finally put her sheets in the day before, fully not wanting to sleep on the bare mattress.

“I went out with Robin,” Stevie said, hoping Eddie wouldn’t be weird about it. Surely not, Stevie had already explained that to her. “Got a tattoo.”

Eddie looked absolutely floored.

“You….you did?” She asked, her gaze shuttering. It was odd to see her like this. Unconfident, fumbling with her words. “You…I could have gone with you for that.”

Oh.

“It’s fine,” Stevie shrugged easily, acting as if they weren’t both being fucking strange right now. This was not a normal conversation but Stevie couldn’t pinpoint why. Maybe she was just terrible at reading Eddie now. “We had fun. I got a butterfly.”

Eddie hesitated.

No need to tell her about Lottie.

Stevie wasn’t even sure if her and Eddie were that close anymore.

“Can I see it?”

Stevie should have read all the warning signs, the glaring red flags from when she had walked into this dorm.

But she didn’t.

“Sure,” She said, swallowing roughly as Eddie stepped closer to where Stevie sat on her bed. “Yeah, you can.”

Stevie reached up and pulled the collar of her shirt down and to the side, happy that it was loose enough. She went to peel the bandage, sure that she would have to clean the tattoo soon anyway.

Eddie inhaled rather sharply. It sounded like a pen dropping in a silent room.

Stevie pulled the bandage off and looked up, still holding her shirt.

“Here, let me-“ Eddie reached out and tugged the shirt over, her thumb rubbing against bare skin.

Stevie felt the touch like a shot of adrenaline.

This was the shitty part. All that flirting, all those looks from Lottie. They had felt wonderful, exhilarating even. But they couldn’t hold a candle to whatever the fuck Eddie held in her fingertips. Fireworks across Stevie’s skin, the grip on her lungs. The simple way that Eddie stood heads above her, peering down with the sort of reverence they wrote about in romance novels.

It meant nothing.

“You’re like a whole new girl,” Eddie said, her face strangely blank. She looked like she wanted to touch the tattoo but knew better. Of course not, it was brand new. That would be unsanitary. “Did I lose you wherever you went? You came back with pink hair and now a tattoo, who are you?”

It was framed as a joke.

It didn’t really feel like that.

Stevie shrugged half heartedly as Eddie’s hand feel away, the line between them severed.

“I guess you can’t really know all the ins and outs of someone in a year,” The statement was bold, if not kind of mean. “I went to France, by the way. It was alright. Volunteered at a hospital.”

“Ate a lot of croissants?”

Eddie looked less tense now, like their conversation was helping her….calm down. From what, Stevie wasn’t sure.

“A ton of them,” Stevie grinned, suddenly feeing as though maybe she had over reacted about that girl. This was Eddie. She didn’t date. Not really. And it was none of Stevie’s business. She didn’t want Eddie to feel like Stevie had been stalking her. “French people don’t really like Americans though, they kind of hate us.”

Eddie smiled a little wider.

Easy, Stevie. Don’t let it get to you.

“Even you?” Eddie asked, finally crossing her arms. “I doubt that. You’re like….Rapunzel-“ Stevie scoffed. “What? You don’t wanna be Rapunzel?”

“I’m at least Cinderella,” Stevie joked, even if she most commonly felt like the beast. She didn’t need to delve into the why at this very moment. “Look at me. Do I not strike you as a Cinderella?”

Eddie narrowed her eyes playfully.

“You strike me as someone who should be watching a movie with me,” Eddie said, still just as smooth as ever. “I’ve got a horror movie you’re just gonna love.”

And just like that, back at square one.

—

How do you deal with cuddling an ex who wasn’t actually your ex but only sort of an ex?

Stevie didn’t want to be stiff about it.

It was hard not to be.

Eddie had her arm up behind Stevie’s head as they both decide to lay in Eddie’s bed. It was awkward at first but Stevie was slowly getting used to it. The laptop was on Eddie’s stomach, probably too close for the both of them.

This felt like a step too far but Stevie didn’t want to stop. She missed this, this skin to skin contact. She missed it so much that she started drifting off only fifteen minutes into the movie, one hands resting on Eddie’s side and her cheek nearly smushed into Eddie’s armpit.

She smelled good. Like clean deodorant and the remnants of her cologne. It was a scent that Stevie hadn’t even realized she missed up until now.

She was falling asleep fast, her eyes drifting closed as she became too comfortable. Heavy and safe, right where she belonged…

—

Stevie was the first to wake up for once.

Eddie must have not been sleeping much lately. Or maybe it was the fact that she seemed to be sleeping in someone else’s bed a lot, a bitter thought that Stevie immediately wanted to push away. That was okay, a vindictive part of Stevie liked that Eddie looked so peaceful when they fell asleep together. It felt like something, even if Stevie actually hated herself for even thinking so in the first place.

There was no need to dislike a girl she hadn’t even met yet.

Stevie was just being a good friend, that was all.

Eddie barely snores as Stevie closed her laptop and sat it aside, pulling the covers over Eddie as she did so.

It was hard, seeing her like this.

Knowing she couldn’t kiss Eddie awake.

They weren’t like that anymore. And that was for the best. Stevie was too obsessive, too constantly focused on Eddie. Being gone hadn’t exactly fixed that for her.

She needed to leave, get to the library before everyone else. She started classes in one day, she needed to focus better this semester.

Still, it was hard to leave Eddie when she looked like that in her sleep.

—

Stevie wasn’t hiding in the library.

Really, she wasn’t. She had plenty to do, plenty to prepare for. She definitely hadn’t told Robin about her sulky trip to the library. She wasn’t going to ruin Robin getting to see Chrissy again since the break. That wouldn’t be fair.

Just because Stevie was miserable, didn’t mean anyone else needed to be.

“You’re looking awfully pensive.”

Stevie almost snapped her pen in half, turning in alarm as she looked up at her would-be intruder.

Nancy.

Nancy Wheeler.

She was dressed smart, a little too smart for the first week back at school. She even had a blazer on.

“Is this seat taken?” She asked, already pulling a chair out to sit when Stevie didn’t answer immediately. “You look tired.”

Oh god, what was this?

Stevie looked around the library, leaning close to whisper back.

“Is this an interrogation?” Stevie asked, not unkindly. Nancy did look like she was her for business. “Because I’m doing fine-“

“I saw you in the dining hall,” Nancy interrupted, only slightly wincing at her own words. “You looked…upset.”

There was no need to ask what Nancy meant.

Stevie shrugged and looked back down at her notebook. This wasn’t the type of conversation she really wanted to have right now, not when she was coping pretty fantastically. In her own personal opinion.

“Are you doing okay?”

She was being nice, Stevie could tell. There was nothing gossipy to her tone, nothing to indicate that she was just here to stir shit up.

“Yeah,” Stevie smiled at her, only slightly brittle. “It’s alright. I guess I should have figured it would happen again soon. It kind of always does.”

But Nancy didn’t laugh.

In fact, she looked like she was holding something in.

“This is….different.”

Right. Stevie definitely didn’t want to hear that. What the fuck did that mean?

“How so?”

Nancy chewed on her words, glancing at her very clean nails for a moment.

“Her name’s Becca,” She explained, unknowingly giving Stevie chest pains. Becca. Great, now she had a first name. Again, she didn’t need to know any of this. It would only last a week and- and then what? On to another. “And I wanted to tell you because I think Eddie really likes her. They’re, like- they’re not official.”

Stevie rolled her eyes heavily to hide how she really felt about that.

“No, what I mean is….” Nancy looked deeply uncomfortable. “They’re not official because Becca doesn’t want them to be. It wasn’t Eddie’s choice this time. She’s been freaking out about it.”

A bitter little thought, just the trickle of one.

You used to freak out about me.

“Why are you telling me this?” Stevie asked, all dull and soft. She wanted to start ripping up the pages in her notebook. Maybe throw it too.

“I figured you needed the warning,” Nancy said hesitantly. “And…maybe it would be a good time to tell Eddie how you feel.”

Stevie let out too loud of a laugh.

“No,” She said coldly, almost glaring at Nancy now. It wasn’t her fault though. Stevie just felt like a fucking idiot. “That’s not- I already did, it did nothing. Eddie didn’t want me. Doesn’t want me. It’s over and done now.”

Saying it out loud made her chest hurt, constricting in the worst way possible.

Now she was just angry. She was so tired of being angry.

“But you could-“

“Nancy,” Stevie said, taking a calming breath. Not Nancy’s fault, not Nancy’s fault. “It really is okay. This is college, right? It happens, you move on. I mean, I even got a girls number yesterday. It’ll be fine.”

And she meant it.

She did.

Nancy didn’t look convinced.

“You can always hang out with me and Jon if you like,” She said simply, moving on finally. “We’d love the company.”

Stevie wasn’t sure who that was but….sure, maybe.

She didn’t say that she wouldn’t do it if Eddie was around. Somehow, Stevie didn’t think it needed to be said.

—

Stevie didn’t know the first thing about ceramics.

The professor was quick to tell them that they needed to cut their nails and they were to not wear jewelry in her class. She hated the movie Ghost and she wanted them all to know that if she caught them being weird on the wheels, she would throw them out of class.

She was a funny lady.

This class led to Stevie determinedly clipping her nails and filing them down right after, sat in her bed with her phone light glaring down on one hand.

She wasn’t exactly ambidextrous but she also didn’t really feel like going off campus to get it done.

“What are you doing?”

Stevie looked up, nail file held limply in her right hand. Oh. Okay.

Eddie.

Stevie hadn’t even heard the door open, too distracted by her own actions.

She felt no need to be rude today, so she simply shrugged. She was trying to be more calm and collected, she really was. She couldn’t be mad about something she had done to herself.

“Cutting my nails,” Eddie gave her a weird look. What? Was she not allowed to do that? “For ceramics class. Our professor said we would fuck the clay up if our nails are too long.”

Eddie visibly deflated. For some reason.

What the fuck?

“Why do you look so stressed?”

Stevie almost felt vindictive as she asked, knowing that Eddie was probably stressed out by lying to Stevie. Or not. Maybe Stevie was wrong about that one.

But Eddie dropped hard onto her bed, her bag flopping to the side. Eyes wide and hand clenched together.

Here it was.

“Stevie, I need to-“

“I already know,” Stevie said in a light voice. She could hear ringing in her ears but somehow she was still keeping up, still dutifully playing her part. Eddie looked flabbergasted. “It’s okay, I saw you guys in the dining hall.”

“Oh.”

Eddie didn’t seem to know what to say.

That made two of them.

“I just thought-“ Eddie swallowed and Stevie went back to filing her nails. She wasn’t being aggressive about, absolutely not. “I didn’t want to spring it on you.”

Stevie almost snorted.

“Why?” She asked, leaning into her dumb blond act. She even tilted her head at Eddie. “It’s not a big deal. It’s- look, I had a good few months away and I realized-“ And the Oscar goes to Stevie Harrington for the performance she was about to put on. “Maybe I just had a weird attachment to you, you know? You’re the first girl who ever- who ever wanted me or looked at me and- I think maybe that manifested into some sort of….faux security and attachment and like, possessiveness. So, it’s cool. I feel better.”

Eddie stared at her, expression unreadable.

“You feel better?” Eddie asked, licking her lips. Stevie couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Surely this was exactly what she had wanted when she sat down to deliver this news. Stevie, out of her way. Stevie, no longer pining. “That’s….good. I’m glad. Are- we’re cool though, right? We’re still friends?”

Stevie definitely felt cool.

Cold to the touch, frozen from the inside out.

“Of course,” She smiled brightly at Eddie and wiggled her right hand. “Why don’t you come clip this hand for me? Can’t seem to get it for the life of me.”

If Eddie looked thrown off, it was nothing at all compared to how Stevie felt.

Chapter Text

Stevie was pretty sure Eddie wasn’t getting any sleep. It was obvious in the dark bags beneath her eyes and the way that she kept showing up to their dorm in the early hours of the morning, attempting to lay down and having to wake only a few hours later.

She stumbled around with the air of someone who was sleep deprived, her gaze heavy and limbs weak.

Stevie was starting to worry.

The part of her that was always angry with Eddie was making way for a new, unfamiliar part.

Worry.

Stevie wasn’t used to worrying about Eddie. She was Eddie, after all. Solid as a rock, confident. Sure of herself. She even looked like she was losing weight too.

Stevie actually wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Or if she should bring it up at all. Last week had been too much, on top of being back at school and adjusting to new classes. Maybe that was all it was, Eddie was just busy. She had an extra class this semester. Maybe she was tired because she had put too much on her plate.

She hadn’t changed much otherwise.

She’d gotten a little…nicer lately.

Stevie wasn’t sure whether she should be insulted by the sudden change in personality. Eddie was nice normally, sure. This was….different. Again, it felt like misplaced kindness. Bringing Stevie breakfast, offering to do things for her. Even taking some of Stevie’s laundry downstairs without asking.

It was strange.

It was sending mixed signals. And Stevie would have been angrier about that part. She would have been but….yeah, Eddie didn’t look okay. There was something so off about her. Even when she came back to the room, it was always with a couple of hours to spare. She crawled into her bed like she was sneaking in, like she didn’t want Stevie to notice. And if Stevie did, if she rolled over and woke up, Eddie would mumble some tired excuse about how she had fallen asleep in the library or a friend of hers wanted to hang out and they’d forgotten what time it was.

Stevie knew she was lying.

Still, it made no sense. She didn’t look happy or fulfilled, not even when she was full awake. She looked miserable, far from the lover struck person Nancy had described her to be. Then again, Nancy had also said that Becca didn’t want a relationship with Eddie. So maybe that was all it was, maybe Eddie really was heartbroken.

If Stevie was cruel, she would have found it funny. As if Eddie was finally getting a taste of her own medicine. But Stevie couldn’t find any pleasure in the bags beneath Eddie’s eyes or her constantly downturned lips. It was bumming Stevie out. And not just as someone who was dealing with an Eddie related obsession. As a friend too.

She was as sweet as ever, doting on Stevie. It was stranger now, sure. She brought Stevie orange juice and then apologized because she forgot that Stevie doesn’t like the kind from the dining hall. It was a simple mistake but Eddie looked kind of…crestfallen. That was the word. Constantly crestfallen.

Stevie couldn’t reflect on it too much.

Her classes were already kicking her ass. She came back to the room in dirty clothes from her ceramics class, chattering to Eddie about the pinch cup she had made for the day.

Eddie was smiling when she fell asleep halfway through the conversation.

Stevie pulled her covers up over her and worried. It was unlike Eddie, with all her constant nonstop energy and buoyancy.

What was going on?

—

Stevie one hundred percent did not have the guts to text Lottie. Nope. She wanted to, of course. But it was hard to even think about liking someone else without-

She had to stop. There was no need to keep mooning over Eddie, not when she had so solidly moved on. Never mind whatever Eddie was going through. Stevie knew that if she kept up with the heart eyes act, Eddie would eventually catch on. Stevie didn’t want to have another awkward conversation about it. Not when they were getting along again. Not when Stevie felt like she could finally breathe around Eddie again.

Did she want to see Eddie with Becca?

Absolutely not.

That was the last thing Stevie wanted.

And oddly enough, she hadn’t seen them together at all. Stevie knew Eddie was still dating her. She had walked in on Eddie talking to her on phone days ago, only for Eddie to hang up seconds later. She looked red and embarrassed, her face filled with shame.

A small part of Steve felt vindicated.

Eddie really had put her through it, why did she get to be happy now? Only, again. Eddie didn’t look so happy.

Robin kept encouraging Stevie to text Lottie, so eventually….Stevie sort of snapped mentally. It was a bad idea, a terrible one even. But she had to do it.

Stevie drive to the tattoo shop a second time, built up with all the false courage in the world. She could do this, she could. She could talk to a cute girl and not be weird about it. But oh, oh god. It was a Thursday. Was Lottie even working today? Stevie didn’t know her schedule, that would be insane behavior. She had no clue, what the fuck?

Stevie sat in her car, panic mounting as she tried to will herself to walk inside.

Just do it, just walk in there and flirt with her and maybe ask her on a date. Maybe? Was Stevie even ready for that? She knew that she was….feeling slightly better lately. But she also had such an issue with avoiding her emotions and finding distractions. Was this another distraction from reality? Or just a healthy way to move on?

Whatever it was, Stevie didn’t have to actually decide for herself.

Someone knocked on the outside of her window and Stevie yelped in alarm, accidentally hitting her horn before realizing that-

Oh my god.

Stevie rolled her window down with all the air of a girl who knew she shouldn’t be doing what she was doing.

“Hi there,” Lottie said, standing there with a bag and keys in her hands. “I’m about to clock in. You need another tattoo? Did you get the itch?”

Stevie had no clue what to say.

She was just….so cute. With her scary eyebrows and intense eyes. It was oddly cute.

“Uhh,” Stevie tried to formulate a sentence. “Well, I was- not exactly-“ Part of her was tempted to lie. She was totally going to lie. “Actually, yes. A tattoo. Another one. I would love. That.”

Lottie looked far too amused by her.

“Come on then,” She said, tilting her head toward the shop. “I’m sure we can find something for you.”

What the actual fuck was Stevie doing?

—

Lottie was very helpful.

Stevie was pretty sure it was a ruse but a cute one, admittedly. She made sure that she was by Stevie’s side the entire time that she looked over the various plaques and books of tattoos in the entrance room. She made flirtatious little suggestions and even asked Stevie where the tattoo would be going, if she was brave enough to get it somewhere a little more…. Fun.

Stevie giggled at that, her cheeks blushing a deep red for the first time in weeks.

They decided on a very simple rose tattoo. It was just as small as the last one, just as easy to hide. Stevie felt a little risky, spiked with adrenaline and flirtatious emotions, a high she only ever got from-

“I want it on my thigh,” She said, biting her lip as Lottie assessed her. It felt a lot like Stevie was being xrayed, the other girls gaze too discerning. It was nice too though, being seen. “Up here.”

Stevie lifted a hand on the seat where she sat, dragging her shirt dress up. Lottie even smirked.

“Alright then,” She sighed, already turning to ready the stencil. Stevie wasn’t good at flirting, not really. But Lottie did seem pleased. “Let me get this stencil on you and you can tell me if you like the placement. Stand up, please.”

Her professionalism was kind of…

Hot.

Stevie stood, hands dragging the hem of skirt up again, exposing as much thigh as possible. It was intimidating, having Lottie roll her chair closer. She cleaned the area with gloved hands, running a razor over it for good measure. Stevie felt like her breath was stuttering in her chest. God, how had she ever thought she was straight? Girls were intoxicating.

The stencil went on great, Stevie loved the placement.

It would be adorable.

“There you go,” Lottie said, pressing Stevie into lying back on her seat. It was just a hand to her shoulder but it felt like a searing burn. “So, are you ready to admit you didn’t come here for a tattoo?”

Stevie almost choked.

“W-what?”

Lottie giggled, already dipping her needle into some ink.

“C’mon,” She tilted her head at Stevie. “I am not dumb, Stevie. You can just ask. I’ll say yes.”

Oh. Oh god. This was her moment. This was it.

“Would you wanna hang out sometime?” Stevie blurted out, a touch too fast.

Lottie smiled wide.

“Of course,” She said. It was more casual like this. Not a date but not NOT a date. “Now, do you actually want this tattoo?”

Absolutely she did.

—

The slight pain of Stevie’s tattoo was far outweighed by the giddiness she felt around Lottie.

It felt like a less intense version of her reactions to Eddie. Stevie didn’t want to examine that part too closely. It would put her back in the same funk she’d already been digging herself out of.

Stevie felt good. Like she was on some sort of drug, floating about campus on a high. It was so different now. She knew she likes girls, she had already crossed that bridge now. The burden was finally….it wasn’t gone, of course it wasn’t. But there was a freedom that Stevie hadn’t felt previously. A sort of freedom that you couldn’t buy or replicate. It was nice to be able to look at other girls and actually recognize that she found them attractive, without the caveat of talking herself out of it. Convincing herself that she just admired their style or confidence. That part was true too…but also, Stevie liked women. They were beautiful.

They were ethereal, actually. She was free to notice now and look and not feel like she wanted to hide in a hole right afterward.

She has also started….loving herself again. Even thinking about it made Stevie blush. It was kind of hard, that was the thing. Like. Stevie tried her best not to think about Her when she did it, she really did. But, like clockwork, her brain got there every single time. Eddie’s hands, Eddie’s body hair, her smell, her voice, her stupid smirk.

Now Stevie just felt guilt after. And not for the same, self isolating reasons of before. Eddie definitely didn’t want Stevie touching herself to thoughts of her.

And then there was the fact that Stevie got sad after. Every single time. She would look over at the empty bed across the room and mourn the loss of Eddie in her bed. But it had to be like this, she kept telling herself that. It had to be and Stevie just needed to move on. Desperately so. She was putting in the time and building blocks to do so.

So why did it feel like Eddie was vanishing right before her eyes? All her substance and character seemed to be fading out. Stevie almost felt…it wasn’t nice to have ill thoughts about a girl she had never met or talked to. Becca. What was she doing that had Eddie so fucking down? Or was it school? Were Eddie’s grades dipping? What was it?

Stevie didn’t have to wait too long for her answer.

She was resting on her stomach, feet kicked up behind her as she typed on an online discussion board. Her eyes were dry and she sort of wished she didn’t have to do this stupid shit. Who cared if she typed out two sentences for each of her classmates? Was that really going to help them write better? ‘I loved how you used excess adjectives to describe how you felt about your winter break’ blah blah blah, oh my god. Stevie rolled her eyes and hit send, yawning as the dorm room door finally opened.

She stayed frozen, eyes wide as Eddie stumbled into the room.

She almost looked drunk.

Stevie really thought she was. At first.

“Fuck,” Eddie cursed, sort of running into one of the entrance-way walls. “Ow.”

“Are you okay?” Stevie asked cautiously, alerting Eddie to her presence. It was like she hadn’t even realized Stevie was there. She had her regular backpack on but….she also had a gym bag in hand. Her clothes looked a little dirty. Her eye bags were of raccoon proportions, her mouth down turned. There was an air of fatigue about her, her body stiff and too loose, all at once.

“Fuck,” Eddie cursed like she didn’t expect to see Stevie there. In their dorm.

“Huh?”

And see, Eddie looked confused.

“You weren’t supposed to be-“ Eddie cut herself off suddenly. “Uh, I gotta go to- to the library. I’ll be back later tonight-“

“No you won’t,” Stevie blurted out, only mildly upset. It wasn’t okay. Whatever Eddie was up to wasn’t okay. She looked fucking exhausted. She’d lost weight. Stevie had zero clue what was going on with her. “Sit down. You’re worrying me.”

Eddie sagged then, her shoulders drooping sort of helplessly. She didn’t seem to have any right in her at all.

She dragged her feet to her bed, backpack coming off and gym bag dropping to the floor. Stevie saw then, it was stuffed with clothing. It was strange. Why would Eddie need so much clothing if she was….well, she had said repeatedly that she was staying with friends every now and again. Maybe that was it.

Eddie was actually shaking, Stevie noticed. Her hands shook as she finally sat down, facing Stevie but staring at her knees. Like she was truly depleted. Like maybe she needed to actually fucking eat. Stevie shut her laptop and began to sit up.

“I can go to the library or- or somewhere else.”

What the actual fuck was going on?

“What’s-“ Asking what was wrong with her seemed a bit too harsh. Stevie pivoted. “Are- are you trying to avoid being in here? Because of me?”

Eddie looked at Stevie with wearied eyes, masked with even more confusion.

“What?” Eddie replied, reaching up to rub at her eyes. “No, that’s not- I’m not- I don’t want to…Can I just- I can go. I can call a friend and stay with-“

“Is it Becca then? Are you fighting? Is it your grades? Is it- is it your tuition?”

Only more confusion. It didn’t make sense. Stevie had no clue what else could be happening to Eddie that would absolutely drain the life from her like this.

“No,” Eddie swallowed roughly and looked away. She didn’t sound like she was lying, not really. She shrugged, the movement taxing. Stevie was pretty sure that regular Eddie would have told her to fuck off by now. She would have resorted to annoyance. Or she would have avoided talking all together. This was abnormal for Eddie, all of this. “It’s….very stupid. Embarrassing, actually.”

Okay. Okay, that was fine. Embarrassing was fine, Stevie could deal with that.

“You can talk to me,” Stevie spoke softly, feeling her stomach turn. She had never seen Eddie look this depleted or exhausted before, not even during exam week. “You can always talk to me.”

Seeing Eddie cry was always hard. This time seemed worse. Her shoulders weren’t shaking and she wasn’t even breathing hard. Her eyes simply welled up and she blinked rapidly, looking down at her knees again. It felt as though she was trying her best not to cry but she was losing the battle. Her body wanted it to happen, so it was.

“My mom contacted me.”

Oh.

Stevie tried to grapple with this new information. Eddie had only ever talked about her mom once or twice, always in passing. She didn’t express much emotion about her. She never let it be known how she truly felt about her mom.

This was….not what Stevie expected. Not at all.

“Um,” Stevie mumbled, not knowing what to say. “Why? What did she say?”

Eddie shrugged again, a wet little laugh escaping. It sounded painful, forced right from her lungs. Stevie tried not to react with too much concern, she didn’t want to run Eddie off. Though, she kid of just looked…empty. Non combative.

“She…she messaged me,” Eddie stuttered shakily. “Found me on Facebook while I was at Wayne’s, said she wanted to meet up. Said she missed me and wanted to see me and-“

Eddie chewed on her lip, her nails now digging into one thigh. It was shaking, up and down, up and down. Like she couldn’t control it anymore.

“So I went to see her,” Eddie’s chest shook too as she exhaled hard. She wouldn’t look at Stevie, just at the ground. “And it was, um. It was fine. It was good. She hugged me, played with my hair and said she thought it was pretty-“ Stevie almost didn’t want to look at Eddie right now. It didn’t feel right. It felt too bare, too open of a wound. Seeing someone like Eddie openly hurt was almost too much for Stevie. It wasn’t right. No matter what Eddie had done in the past, Stevie did not want to see her like this. “Told me she loved me and missed me and wanted to see me more and it was like, this whole big show, you know? It was this- like a play she had written out and performed just for me and-“

But where had it all gone wrong?

“Said she was willing to come see me at school,” Eddie said, choking up now. “And we did, week before last. We met up and- and she was different this time. She’s always-“ Stevie felt like she was going to cry just watching Eddie. “She asked me for money and she was strung out- and I won’t- I am not an enabler, I can’t do that shit. I said no and she tried to- she got her hands on me, sort of. Tried to slap me around a little bit but we were in a parking lot, just outside that diner on third street, so. Too many people for her to act like that-“ Eddie laughed in a strained way. “Told me how much she hated me, how I wasn’t planned, how she didn’t even want me, how she wanted a boy, how badly I’ve disappointed her over the years. She called me a dyke and a nasty, disgusting freak and-“

Eddie started actually crying then, burying her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook harder than ever, hands beginning to pull at her dirty curls. Stevie hated this, she hated all of it. Eddie looked like she might actually start pulling her own hair out if someone didn’t stop her.

Stevie was up from her bed in a flash.

She didn’t actually care if they weren’t touching each other much these days. She needed to.

Stevie sat on Eddie’s bed, arms stretching around to pull her toward Stevie. Half in Stevie’s lap, curled up beneath her chin. The closeness did the trick, Eddie stopped pulling her hair.

“It’s okay,” Stevie tried to sooth her but she felt a bit useless. She didn’t know what to do or say. She would never have imagined that Eddie’s distance and exhaustion would result in….this. Stevie felt kind of awful. Not guilty. But…this was worse than she had thought. Eddie was so good at keeping a closed lid on everything. She was a master at making people think she didn’t care and she had no emotions and nothing ever bothered her. “Hey, it’s all okay.”

She let Eddie cry against her for a little while. Sometimes that was the only way to get it all out, Stevie knew that much.

She decided then that she thoroughly hated Eddie’s mother. What a terrible excuse for a person, willing to tear their own child down just because Eddie wouldn’t give her what she wanted.

Eventually, Eddie began to pull back. Eyes puffy and swollen, lips bitten red from anxiety.

“Why can’t anyone ever just love me?”

Stevie froze, her heart aching in a way that- she felt sick now. Not for the normal reasons. Not because Stevie always felt left out, ignored by Eddie. No, it wasn’t even that. It was the way Eddie asked. Sort of dead in the eye, sort of-

“Wayne does,” She insisted. “Right? He loves you so much.”

Stevie had no clue what type of relationship they had.

Eddie wiped at her eyes and breathed deep.

“It’s kind of like…” Eddie trailed off in thought. She sat a little further from Stevie now. Stevie missed having her in her arms already. “I feel like I ruined his life, his plans. I feel like I’m just a person who’s there. I’m just this fucking blemish on people’s lives and I- sometimes I wonder if maybe I hadn’t shown up, if he hadn’t found me, would he be happier?”

“I doubt that,” Stevie said sternly. “Hey, stop that. That’s not gonna make you feel-“

“Stevie,” Eddie turned to her, still crying the tiniest amount. “It’s- it’s true. It just is. I just exist and I suck the joy out of everything and- I don’t know why I thought seeing her was a good idea. It’s just been so long and I thought she might be proud of me, I thought she might give a fuck that I- I don’t know why I just-“

Something occurred to Stevie then.

Eddie was just a little girl, deep down. Just like Stevie, just like Robin. Just like every girl on their campus. With her problems, with her own aches and pains and sore spots. She was just a little girl who desperately wanted her mom to fucking love her.

Eddie had even said once that her mother was better than her father, so this must have felt like the ultimate blow. Proof that not only did Eddie often bend the truth but that maybe Eddie also tried to make light of the things that truly bothered her.

“That isn’t your fault,” Stevie said, reaching out to hold Eddie’s hand. “It’s not- you’re allowed to be upset. It’s not fair of her to try and use you for her own addictions. Her issues aren’t your fault or your problem, Eddie. Please don’t beat yourself up just because your mom is a terrible parent.”

Eddie seemed to think about that for a minute.

“Stevie?” She turned then, eyes a bit wider than before. “I am- I’m so sorry. For the way I’ve been treating you-“ Stevie couldn’t tell if this was a well timed subject change or not. She couldn’t blame Eddie if it was. “For how I- I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like- I just can’t talk to people. It’s too much and I say too much and I always regret saying too much.”

Stevie could understand that.

“Why do you look so tired?” Stevie asked softly, squeezing Eddie’s hand. “I never see you anymore, you’re always gone. I know you aren’t going to the library or a friends house or- I would hope Becca isn’t making you sleep on the floor or something.”

Eddie laughed weakly.

“I haven’t been staying with anyone,” She admitted finally. “I’ve been sleeping in my car.”

What?

Stevie was flabbergasted, her mouth open as she tried to process that. What the fuck? Why? Why would Eddie even-

“I’ve already done so much to you this year,” Eddie admitted guiltily. “I didn’t want to- I wanted you to have your own space. I feel so miserable lately, I didn’t want to make you miserable too.”

Stevie was still in shock.

“I have never met a more avoidant person in my entire fucking life,” Stevie mumbled in awe. “What’s going on in that brain of yours? Is it okay in there?”

Eddie giggled at that, her eyes wet and cheeks pink.

Stevie wasn’t sure if she had ever seen someone look so beautiful before.

“Mostly just monkeys,” Eddie said, shrugging easily. “Mentally ill monkeys.”

God grant Stevie the power to not kiss Eddie Munson on the mouth.

“Do you want me to paint your nails?” Stevie asked abruptly. Eddie needed a distraction, that much was clear. Or maybe she needed to talk more. Either way, Stevie did not want her to leave. She wanted to keep an eye on Eddie.

“Sure,” Eddie said, the tiniest hint of a smile peeking through.

—

Stevie sat across from Eddie on her own bed, a bottle of black nail polish perched precariously between them.

It wasn’t quite silent as quiet music played in the background, softly spilling from Eddie’s phone speaker.

Stevie felt like her heart might burst from her chest. Too many emotions, too much proximity. She cared about Eddie a lot, too much sometimes. All the time.

And poor Eddie.

Her eyes looked raw, her skin red beneath them. She looked absolutely sapped. Stevie had actually suggested that maybe she should sleep but Eddie had shrugged her off, telling Stevie that she would just stare at the ceiling and think all night. She had no classes tomorrow anyway.

“Promise me you’ll start sleeping in here again,” Stevie said, voice as soft as the air between them. Eddie blinked sleepily at her, expression shifting as Stevie painted her thumbnail. Eddie’s hands were just the same. Warm and calloused from playing guitar. Nails short and clean. Stevie missed them. “Please, don’t argue with me. I don’t want to have to drag you back in here by your hair.”

Eddie wiggled her eyebrows, responding without thinking.

“Kinky.”

There was an awkward pause before Stevie finally snorted and rolled her eyes.

“I just don’t want to keep you up or…cause you problems. I’m bad about doing that to people, I’ve noticed.”

Ignoring that.

Stevie moved onto the next nail, intrigued despite her basic instincts. She shouldn’t ask personal things, should she?

“Why didn’t you stay with Becca?”

The question itself felt a little like a dagger. Although, Stevie didn’t mean it in a sarcastic way. Just….why? They’d seemed so cuddly in the dining hall and Nancy had said that Eddie was upset that Becca didn’t want to exclusively date.

So why?

“Why would we do that?” Eddie asked, genuinely sounding confused. “Becca and I aren’t….really like that.”

See. That was strange. Because Eddie could have just said they weren’t there yet, they weren’t close enough yet. But no. That wasn’t what she said.

“No? She doesn’t know you’re sleeping in your car or she knows and doesn’t care?” Stevie couldn’t help but get a little bitchy. Just. What kind of significant other wouldn’t care about that? Even if you’re not exclusive. Anyone could see Eddie diminishing herself into nothing.

“I don’t think Becca likes me very much.”

It wasn’t a confession. Eddie didn’t even look upset, that was the weird part. She just looked….like that was it. That was the gods honest truth of it all. The grass was green and Eddie’s situationship didn’t really like her.

“What does that mean?” Stevie asked, scrunching her brows as she moved Eddie’s hand about. She was almost done with the first and only slightly disappointed that she would be done soon.

“Just what I said,” Eddie laughed a bit. “She’s not….it’s like an arrangement-“ Stevie had heard that one before. But then Eddie threw her a curve ball. “Becca had a pretty shitty ex and now…she doesn’t like being lonely. I don’t like being lonely. We can just be lonely together.”

Eddie sounded fucking depleted.

Stevie felt bad for her.

“Is that…Eddie,” Stevie sighed, feeling a headache begin to form. She would never understand this girl. The torture she put herself through, the way that she overcomplicated her life in some misguided attempt to self harm. “Is that even healthy? Like? What’s the endgame there? So, you both date for a bit and you get feelings for each other and then what?”

Stevie knew exactly what the ‘then what’ was. She was experiencing it right now. And Eddie was an expert at making girls fall for her.

“And then we break up and it happens again,” Eddie sounded numb. Stevie hated that. She hated all of this. It wasn’t even- it might have looked self deprecating from the outside but that wasn’t what this was. Eddie was actively hurting herself in the only way possible because she was going through emotional turmoil with her mom. She was doing risky shit just because her mom was a complete asshole. Maybe it hadn’t started that way, maybe Eddie genuinely liked Becca. But it was that way now, Stevie could tell. Eddie was setting herself up for a terrible outcome, all because she felt like she deserved it. “Or it doesn’t. I don’t know. I think I might just be a waste of space sort of person. I know that sounds…that like, sounds like I’m trying to get sympathy from you or whatever. I promise I’m not. But I do all this shit and I know it’s not good and I know that it’s mean and I still do it. I think…no one can hurt me as much as I can hurt myself, you know? No one knows me better.”

Stevie kind of wanted to scream.

She wanted to shake Eddie, she wanted to tell her to stop.

She wanted to offer to pay for a therapist for her, holy fuck.

The worst part was that it didn’t make her like Eddie any less. It only made it stronger, actually. The open and casual honesty. The vulnerability.

Ugh.

“Then stop,” Stevie said. Eddie laughed at that. “What? You want me to believe that you can’t go without pussy for a month?”

Eddie laughed even louder at that, more color coming back into her cheeks as she smiled at Stevie. For real this time, a huge grin. Stevie felt her insides scream louder than ever. Danger, danger. This girl is going to ruin you.

“I can,” Eddie said, sounding like she was convincing herself. “I’m not a sex addict, Stevie.” Stevie have her a pointed look. “I’m just an attention whore.”

Stevie fell into a fit of laughter, very nearly knocking the nail polish off the bed.

—

Stevie had a lot going on.

Eddie seemed to be doing better. Sort of. She was eating again and spending more time in the dorms. She was less withdrawn. But still, there seemed to be a new barrier between the two of them.

It was as though Eddie had drawn a strange, unfathomably thin line in the sand. She would hang out with Stevie, watch movies, listen to music, all of that. She would allow Stevie to bring her food and she would often return the favor. They talked like crazy, into the early hours of the morning. She hadn’t talked much more about her mother or her family, no. Eddie had closed the subject off soon after her breakdown.

But.

She didn’t seem to want to hug Stevie anymore. They didn’t cuddle like before. They didn’t hold hands unless Stevie was painting Eddie’s nails.

They were friends.

Stevie didn’t want to-

It stung. But not for any real reason. Stevie knew Eddie had issues. She knew they ran deeper than Stevie had ever fathomed. That meant that Stevie needed to accept this as a boundary.

Eddie didn’t want to do any of those things with Stevie and that was perfectly fine. Stevie refused to act like a child about it this time. It wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t make Eddie suddenly dump Becca and come running into Stevie’s arms. Fighting each other had never gotten them anywhere. And Stevie was just…tired of fighting. They both had real world issues to tackle. They both had their own problems, unique to them.

There was no need to get jealous.

Or at least Stevie told herself so.

This was the type of jealousy that didn’t quite burn. It didn’t make her want to scream. It didn’t make her want to bite and claw and throw a tantrum. This was the type of jealousy that had Stevie holding her belly like she had been kicked in the ribs. The kind that felt like an open burn, untreated and left to chilly winter wind.

It just existed.

She didn’t know how to get rid of it, so she just ignored it. Just like a burn, it would eventually fade.

Eddie’s breakdown had shifted something in Stevie. She didn’t find Eddie pathetic or sad. She didn’t pity Eddie, not really. That felt cruel to Stevie. She worried about Eddie. She worried that Becca wasn’t as nice as everyone claimed, worried that Eddie had gotten herself into another toxic relationship. She worried about whether or not Eddie would come back to the room every single night, if she would come back at all.

She made Eddie promise her to stop. She told Eddie that the next time she thought about sleeping in her car, Stevie would come drag her out.

The whole situation had planted an out of control fear in Stevie. A fear of abandonment but not in the traditional sense. Sure, she had to sort through jealous thoughts every time she knew that Eddie was off to see Becca. But this wasn’t the same at all. This was the fear that Eddie would break down so bad one day, that she would think she needed to cut Stevie off. That Eddie would end up turning into some sort of emotional hermit, just because she couldn’t cope with her own issues.

Still. Stevie would never admit to this fear.

Eddie seemed to know anyway. She had started texting Stevie every single day, letting her know that she would be back in the dorm. When she would be back. If she had left for breakfast. If she was staying out.

Stevie despised herself for appreciating each text. It wasn’t healthy. She knew that it wasn’t. Still, she excused the whole situation. Roommates did that, they totally did. It was just common courtesy.

Stevie had to get her mind off it all.

And she had the perfect distraction.

—

Lottie had invited Stevie to her apartment.

Her actual apartment.

It wasn’t quite a date but Stevie actually appreciated that. She didn’t know how ready she was for another failed date with a girl. She was still sorting through so much bullshit, she didn’t want to just disappoint another person. And Lottie seemed to sweet too.

Stevie was ashamed to admit that she spent too long getting ready, trying to decide on an outfit that was both cute and casual and not slutty.

She felt she succeeded and she was on her way.

The apartment was near campus, a small thing that Lottie had said housed three rooms and three roommates. It was cramped, sure.

But when the door opened, Stevie loved it. It was decorated to the max with colorful wall hangings and rugs. It smelled like weed.

Wonderful.

Lottie grinned at Stevie, dressed down in sweats and no makeup. She was still just as pretty.

“Hi there stranger,” Lottie greeted, already pulling Stevie inside. The door shut behind them and Stevie- “My roommates are home, so. I figured we could watch a movie with them. Is that cool?”

Stevie stared down at Lottie’s hand holding her own and hoped her hand wasn’t sweaty.

She liked that. She didn’t know if she was even ready to start fooling around with another girl.

Lottie was so nice.

Just then, someone tumbled noisily into the small living room, nearly tripping over something in the hallway.

Stevie looked up, her expression falling only slightly. Oh my god.

Fucking Samantha.

“Ugh,” Samantha groaned, eyeing Stevie up and down boredly. “Seriously? This one?”

Apparently Lottie hadn’t told her who exactly was coming over. And, my god-

“What a small world,” Stevie said sarcastically as Lottie glanced between the two of them.

“You guys know each other?” She asked in confusion.

Samantha was right. Ugh.

—

Watching a movie for the second time with Samantha was fine. Stevie was beginning to figure out that she was just a bit of an awkward person. Stevie wondered if that awkwardness came from insecurity. She could relate. Honestly, she related to Samantha the most out of anyone.

And she wasn’t going out of her way to be rude, though she would glance at Lottie and Stevie every once in awhile. She just seemed curious about the two of them.

“When’s our roomie coming home?” Samantha asked, a sort of strange smile twisting her features.

Lottie seemed distracted by Stevie.

“Wha- uh, she said she’d be back at like five,” Lottie said, laying her head bravely against Stevie’s shoulder. It felt good, Stevie knew it did. Just- “So, probably soon.”

Why was Samantha looking at them like that?

“Amazing,” She said, nodding as she laughed to herself. It didn’t sound like a happy laugh though. Stevie was worried now. What was their roommate? A fucking werewolf?

Their roommate was not, in fact, a werewolf.

“I brought pizza!” Fucking Becca called as soon as she opened the front door, her hair a mess from the wind outside. Becca. The Becca. Stevie hadn’t heard her talk yet. Her voice was high and sweet. Ugh. “Oh, hi.”

She seemed surprised by Stevie’s presence and Stevie wondered for the first time why Lottie hadn’t told anyone Stevie was coming over. It wasn’t a big deal, she was just curious.

“Hi,” Stevie said awkwardly, wondering if Becca recognized her. And seriously? How the fuck were they all roommates? What kind of twisted fate did Stevie have? No wonder Samantha looked like that, the little bitch. “I’m Stevie.”

“Becca,” She responded, eyes squinting for a moment. “Let me-“ She crossed the room and sat the pizza boxes down as she talked to Lottie and Samantha. Stevie was too stunned to contribute. “Actually, do I know you? You look so familiar.”

Fuck.

Samantha had an actual grin on her face.

Lottie seemed confused.

She was probably shocked that Stevie could possibly know both her roommates.

Stevie opened her mouth but Samantha what her to the punch.

“Oh my god! You’re Eddie’s roommate!”

Bingo.

Samantha stifled a laugh. Stevie wanted to throw something at her. She had no right to derive pleasure from Stevie’s misfortune.

“I am,” Stevie said with a smile. They were already helping themselves to pizza and poor Lottie seemed none the wiser to the awkward tension in the room. “We’re friends.”

Now. Why would Stevie say it like that?

Becca sat on the floor by the coffee table.

Stevie was definitely not ready to eat now, my god. Her stomach was absolutely turning. Becca was even prettier close up.

“So I’ve heard,” Did she know? Had Eddie told her? It seemed- she didn’t seem suspicious. “Eddie’s a bit of an odd duck, huh?”

What an odd thing to say.

Maybe Stevie was just defensive.

“How long have you two been seeing each other?” Lottie asked, perhaps sensing now that things were weird. Maybe she thought Stevie was about to get protective over her friend. You know, a totally normal response to have.

Becca literally wrinkled her nose up like she smelled something bad.

“We’re not,” She said, flapping one hand around. “She’s like….got a whole reputation. I don’t know, she’s fun sometimes. Sorry, Stevie. I promise I’m not talking shit about your friend.”

See. Stevie had mastered a poker face years ago. You had to when judges were peering up at you under bright stage lights, asking you how to fix the infrastructure of the medical industry in under a minute.

“Oh, it’s fine,” Stevie let out a tinkling little laugh. Practiced. Samantha shot her a sly look. At least she seemed to be keeping her mouth shut. “You’re allowed to have an opinion, no problem.”

Becca seemed pleased.

Was she dumb?

“Right? It’s just, some people can never see the flaws in their friends and Eddie is just-“ She wrinkled her nose again. She was a gossip, Stevie could tell. “A mess. She showed up here drunk a few weeks ago, wanted to come inside to talk. I don’t think she wanted to talk-“ She wiggled her eyebrows at Stevie and rolled her eyes. Oh. A couple weeks ago. Stevie felt sick. “And I might be a slut but I’m not an easy slut.”

“Amen to that,” Samantha said, not as happy now. Maybe she didn’t like Becca much, who knew. It didn’t matter. She had heard enough.

Stevie just kind of wanted to go home now.

Chapter Text

Stevie didn’t really know what to say or do.

Becca had a talking problem. Becca had a fucking running her mouth problem. Stevie had been in their apartment for all of thirty minutes and she already knew intimate details about Becca and Eddie’s sex life. Samantha looked like Christmas had come early. Stevie knew she was sort of a vindictive cunt but this was bad, even for her. How could you even find joy out of something like this?

They’d finished their movie and decided to just hang out.

That would have been fun, honestly.

But this was not fun.

Becca didn’t seem to have an off button and Samantha saw no issue in egging her on. Worse still, it seemed as if Lottie was kind of….clueless.

She only half picked up on the tension now, seemingly distracted. Stevie wasn’t sure if this was a good date or not. Then again, it wasn’t a date, was it? And Stevie had made sure of that, so there was no need to complain.

“Yeah? Have you guys gone all the way yet?” Samantha asked, like this was an after school special on sex education.

Stevie didn’t want to hear any of this, but she was unsure how to unhinge her jaw and actually say something. Anything. She needed to. This wasn’t- Eddie would never do this to Stevie, she was sure of it.

“Not really,” Becca shrugged like this was no big deal, like they were discussing the weather or something else just as innocuous and casual. “I think she’s got like, an issue being touched. One of those touch me not types-“ Stevie had a moment of pure inner violence. Because what the fuck did that mean? “She’s a very generous lover-“ Becca wiggled her stupid eyebrows again. She was so stupid that Stevie was tempted to start a fight with Eddie just for picking her. “But she won’t let me go below the belt. It is what it is.”

Samantha actually looked uncomfortable now.

It made sense, Stevie realized. Eddie had admitted that she didn’t let Stevie go down on her or touch her much but that she allowed other girls to do that. Samantha must have been one of them. Somehow, Stevie didn’t feel any better with this tidbit of information. Becca had no right to flippantly talk about Eddie like that.

“She freaks out if I try, so I stopped trying.”

What a fucking weird thing to say.

“Sometimes queer people have boundaries that we don’t- uh-“ Stevie couldn’t quite get the words out. Anxiety. All of this was just giving her more and more anxiety. She wanted to defend Eddie but she didn’t know how, not when Becca was presenting everything in such a joking way.

“Maybe she’s just stone,” Lottie said, finally weighing in with a shrug. Stevie was grateful for the words, even if she knew they weren’t true. Samantha looked uneasy but at least she kept her mouth shut. Maybe Becca didn’t even know that Samantha and Eddie had once fooled around. “Not a big deal, happens all the time.”

But Becca wasn’t getting the vibe that everyone was deeply uncomfortable with her shit talking.

“I guess so,” Becca barreled on. “Although I do think maybe it has to do with her like, childhood or some shit. I dunno, she told me a bunch of stuff without me asking. Kind of trauma dumped on me a week ago and it was weird as fuck.”

Stevie was floored.

Her childhood? What? What had she told Becca that she hadn’t told Stevie? That wasn’t- Stevie didn’t necessarily want to know. She didn’t feel jealous that Becca knew. She was just…..even more worried about Eddie now.

“You know, those foster care kids kind of have this look about them,” Becca continued without any real pause, to everyone’s utter horror. “You can always tell when they’ve been-“

“I think that’s enough, Becca,” Samantha interrupted, her face going pale. “I don’t think- we shouldn’t talk about her like that. She isn’t even here to defend herself and it’s kind of personal.”

“What? I didn’t say she was!” Becca looked around the room like she genuinely thought she was funny. “Seriously? I didn’t say anything happened to her. I was just saying, with all the stuff she told me and how those kids-“

“Yeah, I don’t think we should…” Lottie grimaced and trailed off. “Let’s shelve it, maybe.”

She had seen the way Stevie had tensed up, her face going abruptly stormy. She didn’t like Becca at all. This had just solidified. And what the fuck did she mean? All the stuff Eddie had told her?

“I think- I need to get home,” Stevie said, already darting up from her seat. She felt uncomfortable already, she didn’t really want to prolong her stay now. “It’s just- gotta get there before curfew.”

“You could stay here if you-“ Poor Lottie had no clue just how upset Stevie was.

“That’s okay,” Stevie managed to say, despite how upset she was. Her hands were shaking at the mere thought that Eddie might have been- and she had told Becca of all people? What kind of mental state had she been in? Eddie didn’t just spill things to people, not like that. “I….I should get back.”

Lottie didn’t really have time to say bye to Stevie before she was running out of the apartment, completely forgetting her keys she had set on the coffee table along the way.

—

Stevie couldn’t get into their dorm.

She didn’t want to knock on the door because she was half sure that Eddie wasn’t even in. She didn’t want to….but she knew that eventually she would have to. She had class tomorrow. All her things were in the dorm. Hypothetically, she could just take a page from Eddie’s dysfunctional book and sleep in her car. But….no, Stevie would rather not do that. Besides, it wasn’t too late. What was the harm in just knocking?

A part of her knew why she was hesitating.

She was nervous to see Eddie after-

After all that.

Stevie had zero poker face.

She raised her hand and knocked lightly on the door. It took a good thirty seconds for Eddie to answer. Because apparently, she was in the room.

And half awake.

Eddie answered door half dressed too.

Stevie felt her face go deep scarlet as Eddie rubbed sleepily at her eyes, her wrinkled button up completely open, exposing the valley between her small breasts. She wore boxer shorts, just like she always did.

“Stevie?” Eddie asked, even more confused in her mid sleep fog. Stevie felt sort of terrible. Not even sort of. All that stupid shit Becca had just said and here Stevie was, still sexualizing Eddie. “Why are you knocking?”

Right.

Fuck.

“I….lost my keys.”

Eddie gave her a long look, waiting a good few seconds before she stepped aside and allowed Stevie into the dorm room. Stevie wasn’t even tired though. She didn’t immediately dive into bed, her skin itching too much to do so.

Eddie closed the door behind them and turned to Stevie, looking much more awake than before. She seemed concerned. Stevie felt nothing but guilt for not outright defending her friend. Instead, she had turned tail and ran like a little coward.

“You lost your keys?” Eddie asked, almost as if she didn’t believe Stevie. It made sense, Stevie didn’t even sound convincing to her own ears. “Where’d you go? Do you need me to like, drive you back? So you can see if they have them?”

And Eddie thought Stevie had left them at a bar.

Uh.

“I left them at…a friends house,” Eddie didn’t move. Her face didn’t even flinch. Nothing. “Uhh….her name’s Lottie? I might- I might be hanging out with her more often, um. If that’s okay.”

Eddie wrinkled her brow, a strange smile on her lips. She still looked half asleep.

“Why would- Stevie,” Eddie sighed loudly but she didn’t seem annoyed. Just kind of sad. The type of sadness that Stevie could see was inwardly reflected. “You can hang out with whoever you want. You don’t have to run it by me, okay? We- we can talk about all that and- look, my whole thing is….I’m doing fine. I have these issues that I need to sort out-“ Protectiveness. Possession. Jealousy. “But that’s on me. You can go out and you can tell me about it, if you want. I don’t want to have this weird….this weird eggshells relationship with you.”

Oh.

That was much more mature than Stevie expected.

So then why did it not please her? Why was Stevie so bothered by the notion that maybe Eddie was completely unbothered?

“And if I don’t- if I’m too uncomfortable with that?” Stevie asked, unsure why she was even asking.

Eddie still seemed confused.

“Then you don’t have to tell me,” She shrugged easily, worry still etched between her brows like graphite. “I really am sorry that I ever made you feel like you have to report your life to me, Stevie. I don’t want to be that person in your head.”

And oh. Eddie actually did look sad now.

Stevie hated that.

“It’s not- no, it’s fine,” Stevie reassured her and cleared her throat. Eddie tugged her shirt tighter around her chest and waist and sat heavily down onto her bed. “You haven’t ever made me feel-“

Eddie gave her a pointed look.

“But you text me when you’ll be here and you make sure I know if you’re gonna have someone in the dorm and you-“

Eddie shrugged again.

“Okay? So? I want to do that,” Eddie said, rubbing her eyes and yawning. “You don’t have to do it, you know? I won’t- it isn’t a big deal.”

Okay.

Stevie kind of doubted that.

“Okay,” She said, instead of fighting it. Stevie had no clue what game Eddie was playing but Stevie was grappling with the very real possibility that this was it. This was the big picture. Eddie was getting over it. Her. Stevie. That could be the only explanation, right? She was being selfless. Stevie wasn’t sure why the thought discomfited her so grandly. Maybe it was because Stevie wasn’t there yet. “Um, if we’re being like, totally honest. I should probably tell you that….Lottie’s roommates-“

Eddie showed no recognition. She didn’t know.

It wasn’t even a big deal.

“It’s- Samantha and Becca,” Stevie said with a wince. Eddie let out a loud enough snort that it sounded like it hurt. She even coughed after.

“Oh my god,” She wheezed, smacking herself in the chest. Her pale, spotless chest. “Wow. Yeah, that- that really puts me being a whore into perspective, doesn’t it?”

It wasn’t quite a joke.

Eddie looked more ashamed than she had ever been. It was a strange look on her. Unnatural.

“Don’t say that,” Stevie frowned, finally deciding to also sit down. “It’s also-“

Should she? Just. Stevie would want to know. If someone was talking about her behind her back like that, she would want to know.

Surely Eddie would too.

“Becca kind of said some stuff-“

“Was she rude to you?” Eddie asked. A little too fast, actually. Maybe Eddie already knew exactly what kind of person Becca was. That made all of this worse somehow. Eddie wasn’t even worried that Becca might have said something about her.

“No,” Stevie said, shaking her head and clearing her throat so that she might be able to better explain. “Not really. She was fine. She kind of-“ This part. “She kind of said a lot of stuff about you and some of it was personal. Really personal.”

Eddie’s brows raised but her face was impassive, a near impenetrable fortress. Again, did she just expect all of this? Was she that unsurprised?

“She said stuff about you….showing up to their apartment inebriated-“ Why did Stevie have to say it like that? “And telling her some…personal stuff about your time in foster care-“ Which Eddie had never really mentioned, come to think of it. She had said that her mom had made her hard to find and Wayne had eventually found Eddie anyway. “And what might have happened to you there. Like. Some dark shit. I don’t know, she was kind of joking about it?”

The last thing Stevie was expecting was for Eddie to snort loudly again, a self deprecating noise as she rolled her eyes tiredly.

“I mean I don’t remember,” Eddie said, scratching behind her ear like this conversation was normal. “But that sounds like drunk me. I don’t have the best filter and I was kind of….feeling down. I probably did confess my darkest secrets to her.”

Oh.

“But-“ Careful, Stevie. “But you’ve been drunk around me loads and you’ve never-“

“Well, yeah,” Eddie agreed nonchalantly, completely bypassing the fact that she had just admitted to everything Becca had talked about. The insinuation of some sort of abuse. Then again, maybe Eddie didn’t quite understand what Stevie was saying. “I care about what you think of me.”

Just like that. So simple.

Stevie didn’t quite understand.

“And you don’t care what Becca thinks? So you….told her a bunch of personal stuff?” Stevie hoped she didn’t sound like she was judging. She was just confused. “She said you trauma dumped on her.”

Eddie did look faintly amused.

“She would say that,” Eddie mumbled. What the fuck was their relationship even like? Why-? It made no sense. “I don’t really remember what I said to her but I can kind of make some guesses. I dunno, Stevie. I don’t really- I don’t talk about it. It kind of slipped out, I guess.”

She wasn’t irritated or anything. She just seemed so….casual in her own mistakes and shortcomings. Becca was clearly not the type of person to be confiding in and Eddie knew that. But it hadn’t stopped her. Maybe she was right, maybe it was just the alcohol. Stevie thought maybe that wasn’t the entire truth though.

“I didn’t like it,” Stevie admitted softly, looking down at her hands in her lap. “She wouldn’t stop. Kept talking about you like…like you were a character in a tv show or something. It was gross.”

There was a pause.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said. And she actually did sound sorry. “I’ll have a talk with her. I’m sure you’ll wanna go back there and- well, I hope you wouldn’t stop talking to Lottie just because I’ve managed to fuck it up for you.”

What?

“You didn’t-“ Stevie frowned as she looked back up. Eddie looked remorseful now. Tired to the bone still, even if she had put some weight back on. “Eddie, stop that. You’re not a fucking soul sucking demon, okay? I had a good time tonight. Becca just kind of sucks. I don’t know what you see in her. She’s mean.”

“So am I,” Eddie let out a sharp laugh, stretching her arms upward like she hadn’t just had a very odd conversation with Stevie. Still. Stevie wondered if she could ask more, if she was allowed. “I promise I’m fine.”

Stevie did not believe her one bit.

She moved on anyway.

“Eddie?” Eddie looked at her then, leaning back against her wall. She looked comfortable now, less stressed than when Stevie had just come in. “Did you….was it bad? When you were in-“

“Yes,” Eddie said somewhat sharply. Dismissively. “It wasn’t- listen, I’m sort of- I’m considering seeing one of those campus therapists? I dunno. It comes with tuition and- and I probably need it. Maybe, I don’t know. It’s not important, that’s the thing. Like. Plenty of kids went through a lot more than I did, you know? I came out the other end fine. I’m sorry you had to hear it from someone else though.”

Eddie would have never told Stevie. And that was okay, Stevie realized. It wasn’t something she needed to know. She just hated that Eddie seemed to think Becca had any right to be sharing her personal business with the world.

“I can still talk to her,” Eddie said, voice hushed and soft. More sympathetic than it needed to be. Why was she comforting Stevie? “Tell her that- I don’t want her to make you uncomfortable.”

I don’t want her to treat you like a fucking party story. Like you’re some kind of joke. Like any of the things you’ve been through are stories to be told to complete strangers for a sick laugh.

“It’s alright,” It really wasn’t. “I just want you to be happy.”

Eddie smiled, her dimples as sweet as ever.

“I’m always happy.”

A bold faced lie.

—

Stevie had made her first ever bowl.

It wasn’t- they hadn’t gotten to the wheel yet. It wasn’t a fancy one. No, this was made out of a lot of smaller, rolled balls of clay. Stevie was unsure what her professor had called it but she enjoyed the process. Each little ball was rolled and then pressed against the outside of a plastic bowl. They were then instructed to pull the plastic off and smooth the inside of the clay bowl out with their fingers and lots of slip.

The process was dirty but fun, a thing that Stevie was growing to love.

She left each class with clay still under her short nails and specks of it on her shirts, despite the apron she wore. She had to clean her nails every week.

She wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lottie had texted Stevie and apologized for Becca’s behavior. They’d ended up talking on the phone for a couple of hours too after that. Lottie seemed embarrassed by her roommates attitude, admitting that while Becca was nice to the two of them, she had a tendency for gossip. Sometimes she didn’t know when to stop.

She didn’t say anything about Becca herself being sorry.

That part was fine. The only thing that rubbed Stevie the wrong way was the excuses. Stevie could understand that Lottie had known Becca for a while, it was perfectly reasonable to- actually, no. It wasn’t reasonable to pick the side of someone who would make fun of another persons abuse like that. It felt regressive for their community too. Stevie was having a hard time grappling with this fact, so she let the subject slide for now. She wasn’t even dating Lottie, there was no need to start a completely random argument. Especially when she technically hadn’t done anything wrong.

Stevie was still a bit tense by the time they met up again. It was becoming less awkward to be around Lottie. Stevie visited her at the tattoo shop and brought lunch for the both of them. Lottie had been the only one working for the day, so she had turned the open sign around and…

Making out with a girl was- it was different than making out with Eddie. Stevie still liked it. Lottie was skilled, that much was obvious. Maybe Stevie was just too distracted lately to truly allow herself to fall into it and become immersed. That had to be it. She was just….full of too many thoughts and worries.

Stevie hated that Eddie was seeing Becca. She could admit it in her own head. There didn’t seem to be any true care between the two of them. None at all. Stevie worried that this was just another attempt at self harm for Eddie. It had to be.

And then, Becca chose to approach Stevie all on her own.

Stevie had gotten out of class and fallen into step with a rogue Robin, chattering away about her last date with Chrissy. It took Stevie a minute to recognize the girl who stepped in their path and smiled at Stevie.

“Uh…” Robin mumbled, stopping abruptly outside the arts building. She looked between Stevie and this new girl, confused to her core. “Hello?”

“Sorry,” Becca rushed to say, smiling at both of them now. “I’m a friend of Stevie’s. I just wanted to-“ Unfortunately, Stevie had yet to tell Robin about this piece of work in front of them. “I just wanted to talk for a minute. It won’t be long.”

Robin looked wary.

“It’s cool,” Stevie said soothingly. “I’ll meet you in the library.”

Robin left but not without a tense glance in Stevie’s direction. She really was too good at sensing awkward tension.

Stevie turned to Becca. The mask had slipped. Her face looked impassive now, uncaring.

“I was given a little pep talk last night,” Becca said with an unmistakable air of annoyance. “About my behavior. Which, by the way, I’m not an elementary school kid. I can talk about whatever I want. I don’t need to be reprimanded.”

Stevie’s brows lifted in feigned shock. Yeah, this wasn’t surprising. She could tell from the beginning that Becca was a bit of a bitch. It made perfect sense that she would seek Stevie out to try and start something.

“Maybe you do need to be,” Stevie shrugged just to annoy her. “I just don’t think Eddie would talk about your personal details like that, that’s all. You should probably give her the same respect. It’s not hard to respect people.”

Stevie watched as Becca chewed on her words.

“I know you guys fucked,” She said, smiling a little sickly. Ugh. This again. Eddie really did talk a lot when she was drunk. “I don’t really care that you’re jealous. We’re not even dating, you realize that, right? There’s no need to have a stick up your-“

“That’s not why I got upset,” Stevie sneered, fully dropping her pleasantries. “You can’t just go around and yap about other people’s trauma like that. It’s fucked up. Do you not even care how bad that makes you look?”

“Why can’t I?” Becca asked very seriously. How the fuck did someone like this even exist? “Maybe I’m traumatized from her dumping it all on me-“ Stevie might punch her. She was considering it. “But it isn’t my fault that she can’t keep her mouth shut.”

How was she this evil? It made no sense. Stevie couldn’t even figure out her angle.

“Why are you acting like a comic book villain?” Stevie asked in a somewhat mystified voice. “This is- just stop being a twat-“ Becca looked highly affronted now. “It’s not that hard to be nice to people, oh my god. What is wrong with you? I don’t get it. If you don’t like her, why are you even fucking around with her?”

Loneliness, Eddie had said.

Could someone like Becca even be lonely?

“She takes me on dates,” Becca shrugged, smiling softly at Stevie. She really was a piece of work. She made Samantha look like an angel in comparison. “She fucks me in her car. I don’t know, it’s good when she shuts up.”

Stevie clenched her jaw and very abruptly turned, cutting the conversation off before she could do something stupid. Like punch Becca in her stupid fucking nose. She stormed away, ignoring the laugh behind her. Again. What the fuck? Who even acted like that?

Stevie stormed her way across campus and toward the library, ignoring every wild instinct she had to turn around and knock one of Becca’s perfect teeth out.

—

Stevie didn’t tell Eddie.

What would be the point? Stevie was kind of getting the crux of the issue now. Eddie wasn’t going to stop seeing Becca, it was clear. No matter how much Stevie complained or- and that was something too. Stevie didn’t want to seem like a scorned ex or worse, trying to control who Eddie slept with. She wasn’t. Sure, the jealousy was there. But the worry was even more prominent.

Was this really preferable to Eddie? Was she so not into Stevie that she would rather spend her time with an evil cunt of a human being? Stevie didn’t even feel bad referring to Becca as one in her own head. She truly was evil.

Robin had been nice to talk to. She calmed Stevie down as she had a mild anxiety attack. And fuck, even Robin was starting to seem worried about Eddie. It couldn’t be healthy, being with someone who talked about you the way Becca did.

Still, Stevie had to move it along.

And by moving it along, she meant that she was sort of catastrophizing. It wasn’t intentional. Stevie was ashamed of herself as she sat across the lunchroom and watched Eddie and Becca like a hawk. They acted like any other couple. Close, doting. Stevie knew it wasn’t real. Eddie had said that Becca had issues, that she wasn’t truly into Eddie. That much seemed to be true.

The whole thing was strange. Unnecessarily taxing. It made Stevie’s head hurt and her heart ache. But again, Eddie was an adult. Stevie needed to let it go.

Instead of letting it go, Stevie tried to throw herself into her newfound situationship with Lottie.

Lottie was sweet. Nice enough that she was easy to talk to. They didn’t have very much in common but that was par for the course with Stevie. Most people didn’t have the experiences she had and if they did, Stevie was unlikely to get along with them.

Or so she thought.

“Did you like being a pageant girl?” Lottie asked, wrinkling her nose up. She wasn’t being rude or anything, not really. Stevie was kind of used to that reaction.

“I did,” Stevie replied, sipping on her margarita. They had decided to meet up at a bar near campus. Stevie was maybe tipsy, having chugged her first drink. It had been a rough day. “I mean, my mom wasn’t the nicest about it and I didn’t love some of the things we had to do. All the primping and posing. But I liked being pretty, I liked winning. The whole process.”

Lottie didn’t look convinced.

“I just can’t imagine being paraded around like a zoo animal,” Lottie said with a shake of her head. “Is the award really worth it at that point?”

She didn’t mean it like that.

Stevie still felt the question like a soft blow to her rib cage. Because it was a thought she had had her entire childhood. If none of it was worth it, then none of her stupid trophies meant anything. They were just pointless junk.

Instead of answering honestly, Stevie went neutral.

“I think that the pageant industry has its flaws and I think that some of those flaws might make it seem not worth it from an outside perspective. But I also think my experiences in the industry helped shape who I am today.”

Lottie stared at Stevie.

“Did you rehearse that?” She asked, eyebrows raising. It was almost….Stevie felt her face go completely red. Fuck. “That was the most pageant answer I’ve ever heard.”

Yeah, well. Maybe that was because Stevie had been a pageant queen for years. She was good at answering stupid shit.

“Nope, just….good at bullshitting, I guess.”

Stevie felt judged. She hated that she felt judged.

“You shouldn’t have to do that,” Lottie frowned. “All the…all the fakeness and the vanity of it all.”

Stevie didn’t say what she wanted to say. How was a fake tan and some acrylic nails any different than Lottie’s alternative style? Sure, she had a point. The industry really was fucked. Being constantly picked apart had caused Stevie to become more and more self conscious over the years. But that was Stevie’s experience and her story to tell, not for anyone else to pick apart and make assumptions about.

“I like a little bit of vanity,” Stevie said, smiling beatifically. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t do all this.”

This part was true, at least. The comfort Stevie had found in the last year was truly a gift. She was still coping with the things she wanted, trying out new things to see what she enjoyed and what she didn’t. Stevie liked to look pretty for girls. She liked mini skirts and pink. She also liked weight lifting and ceramics. She liked being strong and capable.

That didn’t mean she couldn’t put on some fucking lipstick.

“Are you sure about that?”

Lottie wasn’t being intentionally inflammatory.

She was clearly just the type of person who liked to ask questions and get people to answer truthfully. She was right about one thing though. Stevie had been asked enough questions for her entire lifetime. It really did become tiring.

“I struggled with self acceptance my entire childhood,” Stevie said simply. “Feeling like some kind of monster in heels, being told I wasn’t good enough to be pretty or I was too big or too tall or- yeah, I like what I like. That’s about it.”

Stevie was also learning that Lottie was kind of clueless as to when she had maybe gone a little too far. Again, Stevie was mostly just uncomfortable with the line of questioning.

“Wouldn’t it be better to go against the grain?” Lottie asked, perhaps just moving the conversation along. But see, Stevie was becoming impatient and sort of annoyed now. “We can’t further ourselves as people if we all just walk like sheep.”

Okay.

“You wear makeup,” Stevie noted, her brows raising. She was using her mask, the polite one she was so used to. Don’t be rude. You like this girl. She doesn’t mean it in a bad way. “You have a pretty girly style too. It’s just in a different font.”

“But mine’s a subculture,” Lottie corrected. “Mine is against the grain.”

Stevie wanted to ask her if she wore fishnets because they were ‘against the grain.’

Instead, she deflected entirely.

“I guess I’m just a little bit of a ditz,” Stevie giggled, leaning forward until her cleavage spilled out. Lottie looked down, momentarily distracted by the skin on display. “It’s confusing for me, thinking about- yeah? I dunno, I guess I’ve never really had to examine any of it or- but you’re probably right. I guess I just don’t think about it too much.”

Lottie laughed with Stevie like this conversation was perfectly casual and normal and not at all a new thorn in Stevie’s side.

Oh well. Something always had to go wrong.

—

Stevie was drunk.

Drink enough that Lottie had to take Stevie back to campus. Or, well. She had gotten into the same uber as Stevie. She seemed mildly annoyed that Stevie had gotten so drunk. She did feel kind bad about that but it wasn’t like Stevie had intended to get wasted. She just didn’t normally drink enough to know her own limits.

Lottie did seem less irritated by the time they made it back to campus. She offered to walk Stevie up to her dorm but was oddly relieved when Stevie told her it was fine. Or maybe Stevie was projecting.

The trek to her dorm was a sneaky one. She definitely didn’t want to get caught. But she was used to sneaking past the front desk by now, making her way up the stairs. The walk felt so much longer than usual. At least she hadn’t worn her vapid, ditzy little heels this time.

Soon, Stevie was drunkenly sliding her key into the lock and falling into their room.

Eddie was awake. Sitting with her laptop in her lap, headphones on as Stevie gaped at her. No Becca in sight, thank fuck.

Stevie tried to toe her shoes off and almost fell over.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Eddie asked in concern, setting her laptop aside for a moment and pulling her headphones off. Stevie huffed, forehead leaned against the wall for a second. She was sure she had never been this dizzy in her entire life.

“Mhm,” Stevie murmured, finally pulling off the wall. Her hands went straight for her shirt, tugging the edge up and off her head, tossing it in a random direction and not caring where it might land. “S’hot in here.”

“Oh my god,” Eddie whispered, clearing her throat like something was stuck in it. Stevie ignored her, clumsy hands already pushing her stupid little skirt off. She was mumbling to herself about it, about how some people couldn’t appreciate fun things. “Are you drunk? You’re like- oh my god, you’re wasted.”

Eddie didn’t sound angry, thank god. Stevie couldn’t take that again tonight.

She sounded mystified. Maybe a little amused.

“You’re drunk,” Stevie retorted, swaying on her feet as she stood in her bra and panties. She didn’t even care. Fuck it. No one appreciated the little bows on her panties anyway. Fuckers. “Talking to me ‘bout pageants like you even know, like you even- whatever.”

Stevie reached behind her and whined as she unlatched her bra.

Eddie sat there, stunned beyond belief before jumping into action.

“Shirt! You need a shirt!” Eddie said, eyes wide as she went right for her dresser. Huh? Why? Stevie felt perfectly fine. But oh, the shirt Eddie pulled out was one Stevie recognized. It was old and worn and soft, a favorite of hers. She snatched it out of Eddie’s hands before she could take it back. Eddie wouldn’t look at her, eyes trained dutifully on the ceiling. Hmph. Jesus, what was that about?

“Am I that ugly?” Stevie slurred, pulling the shirt on and letting it pool down to her thighs. It was a big one, big enough for Stevie to actually feel small in it. “Can’t even- can’t look at me.”

“What?” Eddie asked, concern etched between her eyebrows as she finally looked at Stevie again. “You’re not- is everything okay? Did something happen?”

Stevie let out a dramatic sigh, deciding she quite liked Eddie’s bed. She crossed over to it and fell face first onto it. Eddie still stared, seemingly lost for words. What had Stevie even done?

“Lottie doesn’t like that mmm-“ She needed water, ugh. Or no. Eddie needed to come lay down and stop hovering like that. That’s what Stevie needed. “That m’a vapid little princess, I guess. Talked ‘bout pageants. I’m just a ditz. Dumb dumb Stevie. Are you gonna come here or not?”

Eddie fish mouthed at Stevie.

“I should probably-“ She cut herself off. “Pageants? Why-? What are you-“

“S’not important,” Stevie sulked, rolling onto her side and patting the empty bed next to her. “Either lay down or I’m gonna- I don’t know, tackle you.”

Eddie sighed heavily, shakily.

But she made her way over eventually. Stevie’s eyes were sealed shut by the time Eddie slid into the bed. She felt warm covers being pulled over her body and just like that, Stevie fell into a deep sleep.

Chapter Text

There was too much light. Too much blinding, affronting light. That was the first thing Stevie thought as she woke up, eyes still sealed shut because the light beyond them was surely too much got human minds to comprehend.

Three, two, one-

“Stop wiggling,” Eddie groaned from somewhere to Stevie’s left. “All you do is wiggle.”

Huh?

Stevie opened her eyes slowly, correct in her assumption that the light would burn horribly.

Fuck.

Two very important things occurred to her in rapid succession.

One, she was half naked and in Eddie’s bed. Eddie rested next to her, turned onto her side, her brows knitted together in half sleep.

Two, Stevie was about to-

She rushed out of the bed in time to run into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

This was a low even for her. Stevie did not feel good, not even after her untimely bathroom visit. It took her a good few minutes to collect herself, to drag her body off the floor and toward the sink. She washed out her mouth and brushed her teeth, staring at her reflection with a level of distaste she hadn’t felt in ages.

Lottie was right to be annoyed with her last night. Stevie had kept ordering drinks and throwing them back. Sure, she had paid the entire tab but….that didn’t make it okay. Then again, Stevie was starting to remember why she began drinking so much in the first place. The whole weird conversation about pageants and-

Whatever.

Stevie splashed cold water on her face, considering a shower.

But the thought was cut short by a knock on the bathroom door.

“Stevie?” Eddie asked, her voice still tinged with sleep. “Hey, are you okay in there?”

Stevie cringed away from the sound of Eddie’s voice, too loud through the door. Ugh. She felt fucking awful. And even worse because of the way she had acted.

“I have Tylenol,” Eddie said, a peace offering that wasn’t a peace offering at all. If anything, Stevie needed to profusely apologize. And maybe put on some fucking pants. “And water.”

Stevie opened the bathroom door and headed out, staring at the floor like maybe Eddie wouldn’t see how absolutely terrible she looked in the current moment.

“Stevie?”

Right. Words. Talking.

“I’m sorry I….” Eddie stood there, bottle of water in one hand and Tylenol in the other. Eyes widened like she was the one worried about Stevie. “Are you not mad at me?”

“What?” Eddie asked, brow furrowing.

Eddie looked so confused, bless her. Maybe she just didn’t remember because she was half awake last night when Stevie got in. Unfortunately the alcohol had done nothing to alter Stevie’s memory, nothing at all.

“I…well, I was drunk last night and I kind of climbed into your bed and I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t thinking-“

“It’s fine,” Eddie waved a hand in the air and jutted both the water and Tylenol toward Stevie much more insistently than before. “You look like you might pass out. Do you need something to eat? You want me to go get you-“

“Are you-“ Stevie floundered for a second, taking the water and medicine. She was surprised that Eddie wasn’t more annoyed with her. “No, I’m fine. A little- a little nauseous, actually. I’ll just…”

Stevie felt oddly paranoid as she went to sit down on her own bed this time.

Eddie stood there, one hand behind her head. Awkward. Blissfully fully dressed in sweats this time around, thank god.

“So….” Eddie trailed off, clearing her throat. She stared at the ceiling again, just like last night. “You got another tattoo?”

Oh.

Stevie felt her face heat up, realizing that she was in fact still in her underwear and Eddie’s t-shirt, her bra vanished to some mysterious place. She uncapped the water and drank half of it before finally taking the Tylenol.

“Yeah,” Stevie answered, waiting for Eddie to stop awkwardly looming in the middle of the room. She was getting a vague ‘we need to talk’ vibe from all of this and she didn’t like it. “Lottie. She’s a- she’s a tattoo artist.”

Eddie winced.

“Makes sense,” Eddie mumbled. “Becca mentioned her roommate was….”

Silence.

Stevie could cut the tension with a knife.

“Yep,” Stevie injected, sure that this conversation would eventually round to- “Look, I really am sorry I came back here and just- nothing happened. I had a bad night, that’s all.”

Eddie didn’t ask if she wanted to talk about it.

She frowned at Stevie instead.

“You mentioned something about pageants? Did something happen? On your date?”

Stevie had never told Eddie she was going on a date, just that she might get back to the dorms late.

“Uh….” Stevie watched as Eddie finally moved, falling back onto her bed. She didn’t look any more relaxed than before. “Yeah, yeah I did. It was just- it’s not really a big deal.”

It kind of was.

Stevie was still tender from the weird not-argument she had had with Lottie. It was so strange. Lottie wasn’t really a bad person or anything. She was just a lot more argumentative than Stevie had expected her to be. Judgmental, maybe. Though Stevie was having a hard time connecting that trait with the girl she had met before.

“Seemed like a big deal,” Eddie didn’t sound accusatory, just worried. Which Stevie could relate to. She spent half her time worrying about Eddie.

“Lottie was kind of….” Stevie chewed on her words. She didn’t know if this was even appropriate, talking about a girl she was pseudo dating with a girl who was her pseudo ex. It probably wasn’t a good idea. Stevie continued anyway. “We got into an argument? Sort of?”

Eddie nodded for Stevie to continue, face impassive. Stevie had no clue what she was thinking.

“Just about…I don’t know,” Stevie sighed and rubbed her eyes. “About me being a pageant girl, me being kind of girly. She sort of implied that I’m a sheep and that her brand of femininity is more….legitimate or- or I don’t know, it’s better because she’s being more authentic.”

Eddie was quiet for a moment.

Stevie wondered if she was choosing her words carefully. Or if maybe she agreed with Lottie.

“That’s dumb,” Eddie said with an indelicate snort, surprising Stevie into looking up. “I mean, you’re allowed to dress and act how you want. Being femme is- it’s personal to you, obviously. I think you express yourself in a very authentic way. Also, your pageant days are no one else’s business but your own.”

Oh.

Okay.

“You consider me….femme?” Stevie asked, a frown permanently etched onto her face. Eddie didn’t look like she was about to laugh. “Like, me? Stevie? Have you- have you looked at me recently?”

Uh oh. Eddie did not look amused.

“You don’t have to call yourself that,” Eddie clarified. “But I’m curious to know why you think you don’t qualify.”

Stevie felt the heat on her face spread, sinking deep over her neck and chest. Eddie wouldn’t look away now, hyper focused on Stevie. She wasn’t budging an inch.

“I- I guess I just-“ Stevie gestured to herself. “I look like this. Man hands, quarter back shoulders. I guess I didn’t think- I don’t know, Lottie said all that stuff last night and I know she didn’t mean it that way, obviously. That wasn’t even the topic of conversation, it didn’t come up but- but I guess my brain kind of- I guess I don’t really feel like I deserve to dress a certain way or be a certain way.”

Maybe that was why Stevie had gotten so drunk. It wasn’t what Lottie had said. She hadn’t even implied that she thought of Stevie that way. No, she was just being judgmental because it was probably the way she had grown up. She hadn’t intended for Stevie to twist her words in her mind.

“You are….” Eddie bit the inside of her cheek and stopped herself. Her jaw clenched for a moment. She looked more serious than Stevie had seen her in a while. “Your femininity is your own to- it’s yours, not Lottie’s. Not anybody else’s. If you relate it to your sexuality, if it’s intrinsic to who you are….then yeah. It’s- Stevie, you realize you can just like whatever you want, right? Who fucking cares if Lottie thinks you’re a sheep or not. You’re more unique than some alt girl with a paper thin sense of self could ever be.”

It wasn’t just style or body issues that made Stevie feel unworthy of certain titles. Stevie felt as though- maybe she wasn’t actually gay enough? Was that a thing? She didn’t want to ask Eddie, not after the few arguments they’d had about it in the past. It was still a tender wound for Stevie.

“Thank you,” Stevie swallowed roughly. Was she flattered or- no, stop. Quit. “I think she was just trying to get me to think and I kind of….went off the rails.”

Eddie smiled then, just a small thing.

“Yeah? You think?” She raised her brows. “You kind of stripped in the middle of the room.”

Stevie was even hotter now.

“Stooooop,” She let the word draw out, covering her face with both hands. “I’m never drinking again, oh my god. I need to be put away.”

“Nah,” Eddie disagreed happily. “You just need less alcohol.”

True. Stevie probably wouldn’t touch another margarita for the rest of her life.

—

Lottie ended up apologizing.

Again.

Stevie did actually believe that she was sorry.

“I don’t think sometimes,” Lottie sighed into the receiver. Stevie was still hesitant, still a little sore from the entire interaction. “I guess I just- I have all these pretentious, artsy friends and we kind of have discussions like that a lot and I didn’t think about how it might sound to someone like you.”

“It’s alright,” Stevie said, feeling some amount of relief that Lottie wasn’t nearly as mean as her drunk mind had tricked her into believing. And that she was at least willing to apologize to Stevie. That too. “I didn’t- it was fine. I guess I’m just not used to talking about stuff like that, so I got kind of defensive.”

Lottie hummed.

“It’s always important to question the ways in which we grew up,” Lottie said wisely. Stevie paused as she pulled her notebook from her bag, ready to hopefully get some dorm room studying done. “If not, we’ll never grow.”

There was something about the way that Lottie spoke that- Stevie could see it then. It made sense. Pretentious, artsy friends. Yeah, Stevie could see it. Did that make it a flaw? Stevie wasn’t sure. Lottie wasn’t saying anything particularly offensive. But the tone….maybe it was just the way Stevie had been raised, ironically enough. Under the hand of a very strict mom who imposed a lot of her beliefs and ideas onto Stevie and her sister.

Lottie didn’t seem to be as pushy.

But she definitely had a lot of opinions that maybe could use some softening. Or not. It was likely that Stevie was just hyper sensitive and needed to better communicate when she was uncomfortable with a line of questioning or a topic at hand.

That was all there was to it. Stevie needed to become more comfortable with the concept of telling someone when they were crossing a boundary with her.

Lottie ended the call with a question. She wanted to see if Stevie would like to hang out later during the week and Stevie figured it couldn’t hurt to try again. And maybe not get drunk this time, that too.

—

“You want me to go to a yoga class?” Stevie asked, giving Robin a curious look. She was trying her best not to be rude but-

“I know,” Robin sighed dreamily. “It’s not my usual scene-“ That was putting it lightly. “But Chris really wants me to go! And I know you’re more into the whole health is wealth thing.”

Whatever that meant.

“Sure,” Stevie shrugged, barely looking up from her textbook. She really was behind on studying. “I guess I could use it. Get some of my stress out. God knows I haven’t been getting laid.”

“No?” Robin asked innocently enough. Stevie could tell she very badly wanted to pry. “Nothing goin’ on with Lottie? She seems kind of kinky.”

Stevie glared at Robin.

She wouldn’t even know. Stevie was too tentative, too burnt from her time with Eddie. What if she started sleeping with Lottie and the same shit happened again? Stevie couldn’t deal with having two complicated not-quite-exes. One was enough.

She pointedly decided to not tell Robin about her and Lottie’s weird argument. Was it even considered one? Lottie had apologized anyway, Stevie needed to get over it.

“We’re taking it slow,” Stevie wrinkled her nose, highlighting a part of her page with gusto. “No. I’m taking it slow. As a perfect virginal flower, I think that I should preserve-“

“Yeah, I could practically smell what you and Eddie got up to,” Robin snorted loudly. “Spare me the act-“ Stevie couldn’t believe she was able to laugh about Eddie situation. Maybe she was finally healing. “You were two bunnies in heat.”

Yeah. God. Stevie tried not think about it. If she thought about it for too long, she’d start remembering how good Eddie was with her mouth and how Stevie never got to see Eddie’s strap and-

Maybe she needed to get, Jesus Christ.

Or maybe it had just been too long since she had….uh, had time for self love. She’d been too in her own head for it recently, too worried about Eddie.

Stevie really did need to relax.

—

The yoga class was packed.

It wasn’t a surprising occurrence, considering Stevie was pretty sure this one was only held on Thursdays and Fridays.

It took about five seconds for her to realize that wasn’t the only reason. The attractive male couch was definitely high on the list. Stevie resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she about rolling her mat out, readying herself to stretch before class officially started. It was a casual class, aimed more at loosening the muscles than anything else.

Honestly, Robin mostly just seemed excited to watch Chrissy stretch. She was practically drooling.

In fact, she was distracted enough to not notice the person rolling their own mat out beside Stevie.

“Hi, bestie.”

The devil. A demon. A fucking-

“Are you stalking me?” Stevie groaned, stretching one arm across her chest as she turned to look at none other than Samantha. She looked far too peppy for someone so evil. “Seriously? Why are you everywhere-“

“Ew,” Samantha grimaced. It was half hearted at best. “No, I sign up for all these classes I can, thank you very much. Not all of us can be blessed with ultra toned bodies, Stevie.”

It was weird to hear Samantha say her name. Too weird. Ugh.

“You think I’m-?”

Samantha gave her a dead sort of look. Up and down. It wasn’t meant to check Stevie out or anything. Just a pointed glance as if to say-

“You look like a Grecian Goddess,” Samantha said with too much distaste. Stevie wasn’t sure if anyone had ever complimented her so rudely before. “Don’t play stupid. It’s actually so annoying. Did you come out of the womb with a six pack? Did your mom feed you protein shakes instead of breast milk?”

Stevie laughed before she could stop herself.

Was Samantha………funny?

No. Impossible.

“I have to work out just like everyone else,” Stevie said, cheeks heating up. Samantha looked shocked that Stevie had laughed at all. “Surprised you can find any zen in your life since you seem to thrive off of negativity and hatred.”

Samantha was wholly unbothered by Stevie’s attitude toward her. God, had she grown stronger recently?

“I do thrive off of negativity,” Samantha grinned. The smile abruptly dropped from her face and she winced. “But I did want to, uh….” She trailed off rather awkwardly, staring ahead to the front of the room. “I didn’t know Becca was gonna take things that far. I really am sorry about that. I kept egging her on and- She’s kind of…unhinged. Usually it’s a contained sort of thing though.”

Stevie wasn’t sure if she believed that or not.

Still, she was learning to forgive and forget lately.

“Thank you,” Stevie said, nodding diplomatically. Robin was in another world next to her, giggling her head off with Chrissy. “Do you think this change in personality might extend into you being nicer to me?”

Samantha let out a shocked cackle.

“Not a chance.”

Right, Stevie walked into that one.

—

Stevie couldn’t-

She couldn’t focus.

Lottie had one hand under Stevie’s shirt, her fingers squeezing at the weight of one heavy breast. She brushed over Stevie’s nipple and-

Listen.

There was something funny about this situation. All the times Stevie had made erectile dysfunction jokes in her life and suddenly her nipples wouldn’t even get hard while a pretty girl groped her. It was like they had somehow lost all of their sensitivity in seconds.

They were in Lottie’s car, both leaning across the center console. Kissing and making out like teenagers.

Stevie felt….

Not much.

What the fuck was wrong with her?

Lottie was a great kisser. She was even better with her hands. Stevie had initiated this whole thing, deciding once and for all that she just wanted to cross that boundary and see what happened.

And now here she was, pulling back with slick lips and a hard sigh. She was hiding it, trying to play as coy as possible. None of this was Lottie’s fault, of course. All of this was on Stevie and her inability to not think about you know who. Ugh. Stevie wanted to vanish Eddie from her mind for like, ten minutes max. Enough time for her to get her rocks off with a pretty girl without feeling like the scum of the earth.

But alas, this wasn’t fair to Lottie.

“I’ve gotta go upstairs,” Stevie fluttered her lashes and Lottie stared at her as if in a trance. Again. Stevie didn’t feel good about it. But what else was she supposed to say? Sorry, my pussy is completely turned off today. For some reason. For a reason that does not have stupid curly hair and big brown eyes. “But I’ll make sure to text you goodnight, okay?”

To her credit, Lottie was perfectly kind about Stevie cutting her off. Fuck, she probably hadn’t expected anything anyway. Stevie had been a basket case this entire time, what was new?

“Okay, sweetheart.”

The pet name fell flat.

What was Stevie even doing?

—

She wasn’t supposed to-

No. Stevie felt a lot like her blood was made of lava. Like her little yoga day hadn’t done shit for her libido. And yet, Lottie hadn’t been able to get Stevie going. It made zero sense. It pissed Stevie off. She wanted to get off with Lottie, she wanted to take their relationship to the next step. It just felt nearly impossible to get outside of her own head.

But as soon as she was back in the dorm, Stevie’s thoughts started swirling again.

She was alone.

Eddie had texted her hours ago, letting Stevie know she’d be late. Stevie tried not to think about where she might be. If she was up to anything. If she was-

There was something sickening about Stevie’s next thoughts. Becca wasn’t allowed to touch Eddie. But Stevie had. She had touched Eddie and felt how hot she was. She’d made Eddie moan into her mouth. She’d had Eddie’s fingers inside her cunt, her mouth there too.

Once Stevie started thinking about it, she couldn’t stop.

It was sickening, it was.

Imagining what Eddie might be doing. If she was at some club, if she had Becca in the bathroom. Stall closed, hands all over her body.

Could you be horny and sad, all at once? Was that even possible?

It led Stevie somewhere terrible, half splayed back on her bed with one hand shoved beneath her sweats. She didn’t even try to find her toy, body moving of its own accord as she pressed her shirt up and blissfully thumbed at her now hard nipples.

Lottie. Think about Lottie.

It wasn’t working.

It wasn’t-

Stevie was so wet. So wet, thinking about the last time Eddie had made her cum with her lips and tongue and teeth. Stevie wanted it again, wanted that same thrill. The gushing wet she had felt when Eddie sucked on her clit. Oh god, she couldn’t take it. Thinking about it was even too much. Stevie slammed her eyes shut and rubbed at her clit, so turned on that she felt swollen.

She was close, it had only taken her a few minutes to get there. Close to tipping over, close to-

“Ah! Oh my god!”

Stevie’s eyes burst open with renewed horror and surprise. No, no no no-

Fuck.

She couldn’t help it anymore. Stevie felt her orgasm crash over her without any real warning, her eyes trained solely on Eddie’s shocked face. She stood in the doorway, back pressed firmly against the door like she was actually trying her best to escape.

Stevie whimpered through it, fingers pressed solidly to her clit as she moaned and tried not to squirm. It was no use, it was happening.

Right there, while Eddie watched.

“Imsosorry,” Stevie managed to rush out, her back arching as Eddie just….stood there. Practically frozen. Eyes wider than Stevie had ever seen them. Stevie snatched her hand out of her pants and heaved panting breaths, body still twitching uselessly as she yanked her shirt down. Oh god, oh fuck. Her cheeks were absolutely flaming, her stomach doing somersaults. “Oh my god, I am-“

So so sorry. Oh my god? What the-

“Nope,” Eddie cut in, huffing out a harsh breath, palms pressed against the door behind her. Her eyes darted down again, focusing on the part of Stevie’s legs. Yeah, that really wasn’t helping. Stevie felt a pulse between her legs, strong and drawn out. “Don’t- it’s fine- it’s actually- nope!”

If this situation had been any different, maybe Stevie would have found it much funnier.

As it was, Eddie looked like she was going to flee at any second.

Stevie kind of needed to clean up too. Desperately. She needed ten showers to wash off how absolutely dirty she felt.

“I can-“ Eddie lifted a hand and jerked a thumb over her shoulder. She turned rather abruptly, hand slipping over the doorknob. “Just, like. Text me when you-“

When you’re done jerking off.

Oh god, Stevie was going to die.

She was actually going to die.

Eddie threw open the door and fled.

—

It took at least thirty minutes to convince Eddie to return to their room. Stevie felt just about as dirty as the dirt on the ground, my god. Just filthy.

She gave Eddie puppy dog eyes by the time she returned, her face still pretty red. Poor Eddie could barely look Stevie in the eye.

“I really am so-“

Eddie cut Stevie off with an ill timed swipe of her hand, far too casual to not be thought out.

“Don’t be,” Her voice squeaked and she cleared her throat. “It was bound to happen eventually. At least it wasn’t-“

At least it wasn’t what?

There was something that Stevie found very unfortunately attractive about Eddie in that moment. The way she couldn’t fully look at Stevie, how her hands kept clenching into fists at her side. The tenseness to her jaw. Her hair even looked fucked up, like she had kept running her hands through it while she waited for Stevie. The big shirt she wore, her obvious lack of a bra. How she kept gulping and swallowing like her throat was dry.

Fuck, maybe Stevie was ovulating.

“You can sit down,” Stevie said, feeling faintly amused now that the embarrassment was beginning to wear off. Eddie gulped and nodded, finally striding to her bed. Only to stop and double back around, kicking her shoes off like she had forgotten about them. She was even muttering to herself, unintelligible words as Stevie watched her. Yeah. Ovulating. That had to be it. “Can I please just apologize? I know I should have, like. Gotten into the shower or something. That’s what I usually do-“

Eddie choked on her own spit as she sat down, clearing her throat loudly.

Oh. Well, this was kind of fun, actually.

“That’s what I usually do,” Stevie continued, crossing one leg over the over. Eddie’s eyes not so subtly followed the movement. “But I thought you’d be out for a bit and I was kind of desperate.”

Why was it fun watching Eddie squirm for once? Stevie only felt half bad. Eddie had deliberately done the same to her in the past, so. Maybe it was fair to fuck with her just a little.

“Yep,” Eddie said, forcing the sound out. “That’s- maybe you should- same rule as people, you could- you could text me ahead of time.”

Now, Eddie. Come on. Stevie felt giddy for the first time in a long time. She shouldn’t, she really-

“You want me to text you about when I plan to masturbate?” Stevie asked, quirking a smile at Eddie in thinly veiled amusement. “Would you like me to give you the method of execution too?”

Eddie seemed to get it then.

She rolled her eyes and flipped Stevie off.

“You’re not funny,” She said as Stevie began to laugh. She felt lighter than before, stuck in this weird place with Eddie where she couldn’t admit to her feelings but could make weird jokes about Eddie finding her sexually attractive. “Seriously, not even- are you- what is-“

“Keep stuttering,” Stevie cackled, feeling the tension finally leaving her body as Eddie reluctantly smiled back at her. “I’ve never seen you so nervous before.”

Stevie should have expected the hoodie, squarely chucked toward her head.

Okay. Maybe this wasn’t the worst.

—

Stevie planned another date with Lottie.

So far, it was going great. She wasn’t annoyed with Stevie for cutting their little make out session off. She didn’t seem too bothered by it at all. And things had been good lately, despite the fact that Stevie couldn’t seem to take the next step with Lottie. She was repressing herself and she wasn’t sure if it was on purpose at this point or not.

Either way, Stevie decided to do something nice for Lottie. They’d gotten a little closer in the last week, talking every single night on the phone. They hadn’t hit any more speed bumps and Stevie was happy that Lottie seemed to understand that Stevie did have certain sensitivity’s now.

Stevie wanted to do something fun, so she booked a mini golf date.

It was fine.

Stevie was too good at it and Lottie was pretty bad at it, which made for a fun time. She didn’t seem like a sore loser, thankfully. That was a type of person Stevie just couldn’t deal with. They chatted and laughed as she attempted to get her ball to go more than two feet at a time. Stevie even not so subtly demonstrated how to hit the ball just right.

By the time they sat down for dinner, Stevie was in a great mood. She wasn’t even thinking about Eddie or the mishap in their dorms or the laughter thereafter. No, she was actually focused on Lottie for once.

Of course, the universe always had different plans for Stevie. As if some divine force could sense that she was too happy, Stevie should have known that the conversation would start to slip into uncomfortable territory eventually. She had lulled herself into a false sense of security and had already forgotten that while she might like Lottie, she didn’t really know Lottie at all. It was different with Robin and Eddie. Stevie had enough grasp of their personalities and flaws that she knew how to navigate a conversation with them.

In face, it came naturally with them. She felt like she didn’t have to navigate much at all.

Lottie was a confusing enigma.

“So, have you only ever been with men?”

Stevie was done with her food, nursing a non alcoholic cocktail as she stared at Lottie across their table.

Huh?

“Uh,” Stevie hesitated, not quite offended or anything. It was probably a fair question, given Stevie’s entire aesthetic. “Why do you ask?”

Lottie looked unbothered.

“I just figured that’s why you’re hesitant, if you’ve never been with a girl before.”

God, had Stevie been that bad at communicating this entire time?

She giggled and covered her mouth.

“I’ve been with girls,” Stevie said, watching as Lottie’s eyebrows rose. No hint of insecurity or jealousy. Did Stevie like that or not? No need to tell her it was one solitary girl that she currently lived with. No, not yet. “Not so much with guys though.”

Again. Lottie looked surprised.

“Really?” She asked, glancing up and down at Stevie. This time, the gaze made Stevie sort of….uncomfortable. “I just figured you had some ex boyfriends hidden in your closet.”

Oh. That was okay. Stevie didn’t care if she asked about that.

“I don’t,” She shrugged easily. “I mean, not really. I tried the guy thing and it didn’t work out for me.”

Lottie hummed, though for some reason she sounded unconvinced. Stevie was projecting, she had to be.

“I just figured you were bi.”

And if she was, what was wrong with that?

Back it up, Stevie. You’re assuming a lot right now. Also, you’re literally not even bi. Why are you getting so offended over an innocent statement?

“I’m about as bi as my experiences,” Stevie laughed in a clearly strained way, sure that Lottie might pick up on it. But she was beginning to learn that sometimes Lottie acted like a dog with a bone. She either couldn’t tell or didn’t care. Stevie was beginning to think it was the later. “I dunno, I’ve fooled around with men. Wasn’t my thing. Didn’t love it.”

That should be enough, right?

“Not me,” Lottie wrinkled her nose up. “I could never. I knew I was gay when I was like…five-“ She laughed to herself. “I could never talk myself into being with a man. Doesn’t feel right.”

Huh.

What an odd way to phrase that.

“Oh, I guess- I guess I just- I grew up in a kind of homophobic household, so. I guess that’s why I talked myself into it.”

Stevie was fumbling, trying to find the words as Lottie watched her too closely. Stevie actually didn’t like how closely she was watching her, gaze discerning like she had something to say but was holding back.

“I am so sorry you grew up like that,” Lottie said, though the weird apology fell flat. Why did Stevie feel judged now? “Was it the constantly being surrounded by jocks thing? You seem like you’d be into jocks. Or like, the pageant judges?”

Lottie laughed at her own joke but Stevie reeled back, just the tiniest bit. Because….

What?

“Sorry, what do you….” Stevie trailed off, sure that she hadn’t heard Lottie right.

“Jocks? You just look sporty.”

That wasn’t what Stevie was asking at all. And of course she was sporty. She had already told Lottie plenty about her hobbies. Had she already forgotten?

“The judge thing,” Stevie clarified, frowning at Lottie now. She didn’t even look embarrassed.

“Oh,” Lottie sighed loudly. It grated against Stevie’s frazzled nerves. “Oh, I figured that was a thing. Like, fucking judges to get to the top. Is that not a thing?”

Stevie was kind of flabbergasted.

“I wouldn’t know,” She said, trying her best not to become defensive. Sure, it was probably a thing. But this was the second time that Lottie had gotten weird about Stevie’s past. What was her deal? “I wouldn’t know about the jock thing either. Like I said, I’ve only ever-“

“Well, yeah,” Lottie looked bitchy now. It was a subtle shift but one that Stevie was well aware of. It was funny how much Lottie attempted to separate herself from other girls, whilst still acting like some of the mean girls Stevie had known in high school. Just in a different font. “But one dick is like ten, right? I don’t know. I could never convince myself to go down on a guy or-“

“That’s not funny,” Stevie said, rearing back and glaring at Lottie. She was more than annoyed now. “I just said I’ve only ever- I didn’t even say I had done that before, so I don’t know why you’re-“

One dick is like ten, right?

Stevie was embarrassed and humiliated. She couldn’t- why was this even part of their conversation?

“I just think sometimes girls lie to themselves and convince themselves that they’re lesbians when they’re really not,” Lottie said, shrugging like she wasn’t being kind of a massive dick right now. “It’s okay if you’ve had those experiences and enjoyed them-“

“I just said I didn’t enjoy-“

“But you still did it.”

There was a strange resentment in Lottie’s eyes. Stevie couldn’t take it anymore. She really couldn’t. Sure, what Eddie had said about Stevie had stung. But that had come from a deep place of insecurity. Stevie was still sore about it. This was worse. This felt like Lottie had been bursting to say all this for weeks but hadn’t wanted to let it out.

Fine. Whatever.

“Are you serious right now?” Stevie asked in awe. “Really? You think you get to tell me who I am or what I am? Just because I’ve done things with men out of- out of some warped obligation? It’s none of your fucking business what I have or haven’t done in the past, to be honest.”

“It kind of is if we’re going to be dating,” Lottie said, stone faced as ever. What the fuck? “And I don’t like the concept of you calling yourself a lesbian if you’re not one.”

“I’m not a fucking concept,” Stevie snapped, finally pushing away from the table and standing. She opened her purse and began to pull money out, throwing it on the table. “You’re like- you’re so weird. Do you realize how weird you sound? None of this- this doesn’t even concern you. And you keep making jokes about me being in pageants like it’s-“

Stevie was causing a scene.

Lottie had never looked so pissy before.

“Is it not indicative of who you are as a person? I’m sorry if stereotypical beauty standards don’t fly in the queer community-“

“I don’t care!” Stevie said a little too loudly, throwing her hands up in frustration. “What? Do you think because you have tattoos and piercings, that you’re- that you’re somehow living more authentically than everyone else? Anyone can get a tattoo, it’s not even-“

“And anyone can dye their hair pink and get cutesy little tattoos done on them and think that makes them-“

“I don’t think it makes me anything,” Stevie was irate now and she knew she needed to leave before she actually started shouting. The waitress looked like she didn’t want to approach them at all. “I think you’re stuck up. I think you think being alternative makes you cooler than everyone else. And you know what? It doesn’t. It just makes you an insufferable bitch. It makes you lonely and mean and cruel. If you thought I was bi this entire time, you didn’t have to date me. Better yet, you could have just asked. But I guess you just wanted to put me through the wringer for a bit, yeah? You’re not a good person.”

Lottie gaped at Stevie, probably shocked that sweet, subservient Stevie could even snap this far.

Stevie turned then and left, knowing that if she didn’t, she would just keep going. She wanted to hurt Lottie’s feelings, not eviscerate her.

Chapter Text

Stevie was upset enough that she almost ran straight into a light pole in her haste to get away from Lottie.

Unfair. Idiotic. An absolute waste of time.

Sure, Lottie was only a few years older than Stevie. She probably had plenty of time to shape and change and adjust to her thoughts and ideas and biases. But Stevie didn’t want to be there with her to experience those changes. Her audience, trapped and forced to listen to her belittling statements again and again. It was always something new with her, always an issue that Stevie couldn’t even conjure up in her worst moods.

The absolute gall to act as if Stevie had done anything wrong by fooling around with men before. And that was the thing! Lottie had no clue what Stevie had or hadn’t done. She had just branded her with a one size fits all stamp and moved on. Well, not moved on. It didn’t seem as though Lottie ever moved on from anything.

And now Stevie had tattoos on her body to remind her of the utter stupidity she had thrown herself into head first.

It was disappointing, not heartbreaking.

Stevie didn’t feel like disappearing and living a life at sea, not like she had when Eddie had absolutely destroyed her. She just felt….disappointed. For lack of a better word. But maybe it was the best word for the anger she felt simmering in her guts. Lottie was ridiculous.

Lottie was-

She had to throw in a jab about Stevie doing pageants, didn’t she?

Stevie could see it now. She was vapid to someone like Lottie. She was a Barbie doll with no real goals and no real thoughts of her own. She was just playing with other girls, stringing them along. It stung even more because Eddie had implied the same not so long ago. It wasn’t- okay, but it wasn’t nearly as bad. Stevie needed to remember that. And Eddie’s apologies had always been more heartfelt. She meant them.

Stevie wasn’t sure if Lottie had ever meant an apology in her entire life.

She was rude. She was cruel.

Stevie stopped on her long walk, deciding that maybe she just wanted to storm her way back to campus instead of getting an Uber. No need. She had let Lottie pick her up, after all. She had even held the door for Stevie, Jesus Christ.

“Bet she really loved my stupid little pumps,” Stevie cursed, her feet not nearly hurting yet. They wouldn’t for a while, she was used to it. You know, because of fucking pageants. Jesus. Yeah, it wasn’t a good industry. She knew that, she lived that. She didn’t need Lottie of all people to tell her that. Stevie was well aware of how fucked up it could be. The judge comment was entirely uncalled for, so offensive that Stevie almost couldn’t fathom it.

It was so….

So utterly silly.

Why couldn’t Stevie just get it right?

She wasn’t sure what she was even spiraling over. She couldn’t get into Lottie, not the way she wanted to. She hadn’t even had many expectations for their relationship. She kept delaying their commitment, kept putting things off because she didn’t know if she could even see herself with Lottie. And it had nothing to do with her looks or her job or anything like that. Stevie had been attracted to Lottie. She’d been into her when they met, going so far as to embarrassingly seek Lottie out thereafter.

It wasn’t like Stevie had missed out on some great, unheard of love.

But still.

None of it made her feel better. Admitting that Lottie was just a passing fancy didn’t make Stevie feel any better. She felt smaller than small, a footnote on everyone else’s life’s. Stevie wasn’t even important enough for girls like Lottie and Eddie to think about. She was the type of girl who would fade into obscurity in their minds one day.

Stevie felt like crying as she trudged down the street, her head beginning to hurt. She didn’t want to bother Robin. Things were going so great for her. She had cracked the code on the whole girlfriend thing. Her and Chrissy were practically inseparable. And Stevie was happy that they were.

How did Stevie gain so much in one year and then nearly lose it all? She knew that her negative thoughts weren’t true. How could they be? Robin loved her. Eddie cared for her. Stevie had plenty of acquaintances. She knew girls from her tennis club, even if she had to cut herself off from that for a bit. She had classmates who liked her just fine.

Why did she always feel so lonely?

Was it the way she was raised? Shunted around wherever her mother wanted to take her, locked away when she was of no use. She felt that she had no right to complain. She’d never gone hungry as a child, not in any real sense. Her mother had denied her meals before, spouting to Stevie that she shouldn’t eat too much or she would explode like a balloon. She had tried to make it sound cute back then, back when Stevie was probably five years old. She remembered a time when they had gone to an after party for one of her pageants. Stevie had been so excited. She had been fasting on and off for weeks to fit into the blue dress her mother had picked out for her.

Never pink. She wasn’t pretty enough for pink. Pink was her mom’s color.

They had pizza at the party.

Her mom allowed her to have one piece, no crust. The oil dabbed off the top with a napkin. She had presented it to Steve as if it was a trophy in and of itself.

Fuck, maybe Lottie was right.

Maybe Stevie was in the wrong. Her entire life, it was all built on blocks of….of pain and suffering and trying to squeeze into dresses that were intentionally two sizes too small while her mother berated her from the corner of a designer shop. The sales associate would still be there, standing and waiting with another dress draped over one arm.

They never suggested a bigger size.

Maybe they knew what Stevie’s mom was doing. Maybe they thought Stevie was a fat pig too. Maybe Stevie was wrong and Lottie was right and she wasted her entire youth on something stupid and cruel and-

Stevie felt rain hit her face, droplets clinging to her already wet lashes.

She had to call someone. Or just an Uber or-

Or.

Stevie ducked beneath the awning of a nearby restaurant and pulled out her phone, peering out into the rain with squinted eyes.

Please pick up, please pick up.

Eddie picked up after two rings.

“Stevie?” She asked, sounding just a little off. There was a plethora of noise in the background, the buzz of it made even fuzzier by the rain just outside Stevie’s safe haven.

“Yeah,” Stevie answered, voice already choked up. “Hey, um. Are you in the dorm? I- I need a ride and-“

“Oh,” Eddie interrupted, sounding quite worried. “I’m- well, I’m at a friend’s? We had a few drinks, so-“

“Oh, okay,” Stevie couldn’t hide her disappointment, resigned to spending her night alone in the dorm. Probably mooning over a girl she hadn’t even wanted in the first place. “That’s- that’s totally fine. That’s perfect. I can just get an uber back and-“

It wasn’t. Why did she say that?

“No!” Eddie rushed out, brushing past Stevie’s frenzied speech. “I can send you the address. You can- you can come here. It’s not a lot of people, I promise. We can- we can go sit down for a bit til i sober up or we can get a ride back to campus or-“

Stevie didn’t want to-

“I don’t want to ruin your night.”

“You couldn’t,” Eddie said, sounding so sincere that Stevie wanted to cry. “Hey, you really could never. Please? Please, come over and- and get your mind off- what happened? Did something bad happen?”

Stevie supposed it was obvious. She was only moments from a mental breakdown. The numbness was beginning to set in and hearing Eddie sound so concerned wasn’t really helping. This was it, huh? This was how her friendship with Eddie would probably always be. Destined to sit in the back seat, to watch Eddie experience emotions and love and contempt for other girls. Stevie felt overly dramatic, more so now than usual. She wanted to run off, find somewhere else to stay for the night. But that wasn’t fair. Eddie hadn’t done anything wrong.

In fact, she was probably right.

Maybe Stevie really did need a distraction.

Something to get her mind off of the disaster of her life.

“Just…bad night,” Stevie mumbled, deciding she didn’t want to get into it. She felt as though she was half there, that numbness drifting into a dull feeling. “Yeah, I can- send me the address, I’ll get a ride there.”

There was a pause.

“Are you sure? I can have someone come get you if you want me-“

“It’s all good,” Surely that peppy voice wasn’t Stevie’s. Projection, a trait her mother had honed in her since birth. Being able to adapt and change inflection and make people think that you weren’t in utter pain constantly. A pain sponge. Stevie was nothing but a pain sponge and Eddie couldn’t see it. Robin couldn’t see it. She preferred it that way. “I’ll be there soon.”

And with that, Stevie ended the call.

—

The ride to whatever house Eddie was at wasn’t a long one. Thankfully enough. Stevie was still soggy and sad though, her thoughts drifting as she tried to keep up with whatever her driver was talking about. He was a nice guy, she wasn’t trying to be rude.

Eventually, Stevie had to face the music.

The house itself was perfectly normal, though Stevie could hear the faint stream of music spilling into the outside air.

It was dark out, only streetlight pouring down as she awkwardly approached the front door.

She didn’t really want to knock but-

She sucked it up, deciding she would just find Eddie inside. Stevie did not need a babysitter. She didn’t need to make Eddie think she was more pathetic than she clearly already appeared to be.

A girl answered the door and had a quick conversation with Stevie. She didn’t look Stevie up and down nearly as much as Stevie expected her too. She had a lot of piercings but her voice was slurred, almost as if-

Definitely drunk.

The house wasn’t packed.

This definitely wasn’t a rager.

The girl at the door didn’t know who Eddie was, so Stevie walked through the house in the hopes that she might find her friend quickly. Her shoes weren’t as wet as before but her feet did hurt. Her ego kind of hurt too.

It didn’t take too long to find Eddie.

But Stevie was shocked.

She sat in the corner of a room, laughing in her sequestered kitchen chair. There was a girl behind her, chatting with the small group of them at large. She had scissors and a pair of clippers, cutting away at Eddie’s gorgeous hair.

Everyone was high. It was painfully clear now.

Literally so high.

The room smelled like weed, sure. But Stevie was pretty certain a few people on the opposite couch were high on something else. Two girls sat with one straddling the other, arms raised in the air as she waved them in compliance with the low thrum of music coming from somewhere unidentifiable.

Yeah, definitely not just weed.

“Stevie!” Eddie grinned up at her, unable to move for the moment. “I was- this is Silky, she wanted to cut my hair and I figured-“

Eddie was distraction enough, Stevie decided.

She looked so cute like this, her big eyes lit up. She didn’t seem all that drunk or high, just happy.

Maybe a little drunk.

Stevie dropped onto the near empty couch and greeted the guy next to her. She would forget his name in minutes, her mind only trained on Eddie. When was it not?

This situation was so weird.

Silky nodded to Stevie with a smile, going back to clipping away at Eddie’s hair. It was already short, up beneath her ears now.

Stevie wouldn’t pretend she wasn’t mourning the loss of all those beautiful curls.

But Eddie looked so happy.

Distraction. Stevie was wholly distracted now.

Silky and Eddie were talking.

Stevie felt like she was on another planet as she listened. God, maybe she had a contact high. No, that would just be silly. She was just….lightheaded, tired. Worn out from fighting with Lottie and trudging through the rain soaked streets.

“-feel like I maybe could have asked her out,” Silky said, sighing loudly. She was interesting to look at, with her gothic makeup and bright yellow hair. She had the pointiest bangs Stevie had ever seen in her life. She also didn’t seem to be hitting on Eddie. “But you know how it is. Putting yourself out there, man. I dunno if it’s for me anymore.”

Eddie hummed wisely, not as unfocused as Stevie had expected.

Stevie looked at the guy next to her as he lit up a blunt.

Fine.

“Could I have a hit of that?” Stevie asked a bit pathetically. She hoped she looked sad enough to share with. And that Eddie wouldn’t notice.

He looked at Stevie and then down toward his blunt.

He shrugged.

—

Stevie was high.

It had taken like, two hits. Tops.

She was high and Silky and Eddie sounded like a smooth backdrop to the music. They were both very funny people. Stevie didn’t know how long it had been, just that Silky wasn’t done yet. That was okay. Stevie felt a lot better now. She felt like she was sitting on a cloud, like brain was up there in the clouds too. Clouds? It was night, there was no clouds. The stars had been out. Stevie wondered how many stars there were up there.

She really was so high.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Silky asked, pausing to ruffle Eddie’s hair for a second.

There was a distinct pause.

Eddie looked up, eyes heavy as they drifted across the room and landed on the stupid couch Stevie sat on. It wasn’t cushioned enough. Not soft enough for Stevie to want to lay back against. But hadn’t she just- no, it was plenty soft. Clouds. Stevie allowed herself to sink further into the couch.

“I think so,” Eddie said, voice smooth. Stevie blinked her eyes and watched the two girls swim in front of her. “It’s like, I think- I don’t know. Life is weird. I think I’ve met people who have kind of changed my entire worldview. Made me realize things.”

Silky hummed.

She might have asked what Eddie meant.

Eddie still stared at Stevie.

“Like, I don’t know. Made me realize that I can feel stuff I never thought I’d feel before,” Eddie took a deep breath. “Have you ever met someone so beautiful that they don’t feel real?”

Stevie couldn’t shut her eyes. Eddie was watching her and Stevie always liked when Eddie watched her. It felt different, it felt like the buzz of alcohol. The distinct burn of adrenaline. Eddie watching Stevie was cataclysmic.

“Of course,” Silky said, reaching to pick up her clippers. She leaned down toward the wall to plug them in. “I think we have angels on earth.”

“Angels,” Eddie said, eyes wider than before. “That’s gotta be it. I think I’m evil. I think I was sent an angel and had her taken away from me because I didn’t deserve her. You know? Like the evil in me was too much, too heavy. Does that count as a soulmate? I don’t think- I think if she disappeared, I would tear myself up trying to find her again. I would- I would lose it, probably.”

Silky put the clippers to one side of Eddie’s head, shaving off part of her hair.

That should be Stevie.

She wasn’t jealous of Silky, far from it.

But she was jealous of the gesture. She was jealous of the touch, the fondness with which they interacted. The ease of their friendship. Stevie should be the one cutting Eddie’s hair, even if it ended up looking bad. She should be the one watching it fall to the floor. She should be the one helping Eddie change.

They were still talking.

“-thought I would never look at someone and see my entire life flash before my eyes,” Eddie laughed weakly, her new look coming into shape. Stevie had a lead tongue. She couldn’t contribute to any of this. Something told her that she wasn’t listening, she wasn’t paying attention. She was too high. Her brain was probably making this all up. “You know? Like watching an old VHS or some shit. And there’s this girl with cornflower hair and eyes like the moon and she thinks I hung the sun but I didn’t, I could never. I’m just a peasant.”

Silky giggled at that.

“You’re the prettiest peasant.”

What were they talking about?

Eddie had been staring at Stevie this entire time.

“Do you think you’re in love with her?”

Pay attention, Stevie. Listen. There’s something happening. There’s something important happening right now.

“I think I’ve never loved another person more in my life,” Eddie said, eyes so mournful that Stevie finally had to look away. Who was it then? Was Becca really that- no, it couldn’t- Eddie was so vague about Becca. Stevie felt a hollow pit carve out in her belly and she reached for the guys blunt again. She needed to make it fade, needed to fill it back up. This void was too deep. “I think I would love her even if she tried to kill me. Or cheated on me or broke all my guitars or-“

“Shaved all your hair off?” Silky asked, laughing as she finished shaving the other side of Eddie’s head. She still hand bangs, short and curly. Her hair cascaded back into what looked like a stylish mullet? The sides of her head clean. Stevie felt her heart skip a beat. Yeah, that should have been her.

“She could do anything she wanted to me.”

The room felt heavy.

Stevie felt heavy.

What else was new?

Time drifted differently like this. She wondered if the blunt had just been weed or something else. Stevie wasn’t seeing things. The room felt like it had a heat signature over it though, like it was warping around her. With her. Her eyes felt so very heavy.

“Hey there,” Someone said, voice soft in front of Stevie. Her eyes creaked back open and- “You doin’ okay? I saw you hitting Dylan’s stuff. Do you feel okay?”

Eddie crouched down in front of Stevie, her cool hand pressing over Stevie’s forehead.

“Eddie,” Stevie breathed, smiling at the girl in front of her. “Like your hair. Pretty.”

Eddie’s face flushed with red, a rare sight indeed. Stevie hoped she remembered the color after this wore off.

“Prince.”

Eddie quirked a curious eyebrow at Stevie. She seemed fine now, her gaze so much clearer. Though, it was rather hard for Stevie to even tell.

“Huh?” Eddie asked removing her cool hand. Stevie mourned the loss of it, instead reaching out to curl a finger into the very edge of Eddie’s hair.

“Like a prince,” Stevie clarified. “Not a peasant. Look at you. You’re like starlight, starlight in the ocean.”

Eddie snorted, a sharp giggle that spread over her face. She was grinning at Stevie.

“I think his shit might have been too strong for you.”

Yeah, probably.

“Did something happen?” Eddie asked, cursing herself a second later. “Shit. Don’t answer that, you’re high as balls.”

“You don’t have balls,” Stevie said dutifully, nodding seriously. “I would know.”

Eddie laughed weakly and scrubbed a hand over her face. What? What had Stevie said?

“Are you okay, sweetie?”

Oh.

Stevie felt warmth spread over her face and down her neck. Suddenly, she felt like wiggling. Squirming away from Eddie’s devoted attention. It was too much.

“M’fine,” She mumbled in response, the world still tilting around her. “Wanna go home soon. Will you go home with me?”

Eddie brushed some of Stevie’s hair back, no longer wet but still somehow vaguely sweaty.

“Of course,” Eddie smiled again, brittle and slow. Did Stevie cause that? She didn’t like it as much as the blush from before. “Yeah, you stay right here. Don’t move an inch-“ As if she could. “And I’ll be right back, okay?”

Okay. Yeah, she could totally do that.

“You’re so good at instructing me,” Stevie said mindlessly, not really considering her words. “You should- should tell me what to do more often.”

Eddie coughed a little, covering her mouth.

“Sure,” She agreed in a strained voice. What? Stevie could barely remember what she had just said. “Yeah, just- gimme a minute, okay? You stay right here. That’s an order.”

Stevie giggled at that, reaching out to pat Eddie on the cheek.

“Thank you, angel.”

Stevie basked in the nickname as Eddie wandered off. She wasn’t going to move. She didn’t need to. Eddie would be back for her.

—

Eddie was a little off when they got back to the dorm. Her face was tired and weary as they spilled into their room, the lights flickering too bright ahead of them.

Stevie would start coming down soon, she could tell. Even with her little experience, she could tell.

“C’mon,” Eddie said gently, pulling Stevie toward the bed. She plopped down on the edge and reached down to- “Hold your foot up, babe. Let me get these heels off of you.”

Stevie listened, swaying on the spot as she braved her hands against Eddie’s shoulders. She looked good like this. Broad, stiff. She looked like-

“That hair suits you,” Stevie mumbled, feeling very sleepy. Eddie pulled each heel off and sat them to the side. “You look-“

“Like a rat?”

Stevie swatted Eddie on the shoulder and frowned.

“A prince,” She repeated with a pout, realizing a little too late. It fit, with Eddie sitting in front of Stevie. “You’re like- is that okay? You’re a knight in- in shiny armor.”

“Shiny armor?” Eddie looked up at her, her smile so fond that Stevie wanted to burst. Maybe she would finally turn into starlight, maybe then people would find her beautiful. “You’re already gorgeous. Please don’t burst.”

Oh. Nice. Stevie was just mumbling everything out loud now.

“Let’s get these off,” Eddie swept careful fingers over Stevie’s skirt and helped her begin to pul it down, shimmying out of it and allowing it to fall onto the ground between them. There was nothing sexual here, nothing but the soft touch of Eddie’s hands as she helped Stevie undress. Stevie reached behind herself and huffed as she unclipped her bra and threaded it through her shirt. Good enough. “You should get some rest.”

No.

“Lay with me.”

Stevie was pouting again, kneeing onto the bed next to Eddie and almost falling face first into the sheets. She felt a little clearer now but the shifting air was still there. The tv like quality of all her surroundings. It still didn’t feel real.

Eddie didn’t argue as he unlaced her boots and went to lay next to Stevie.

They faced each other in the bed this time, miles apart.

“Lottie thinks I’m a big fat liar,” Stevie admitted, her eyes finally drifting shut. It was hard to let go, hard to not look at Eddie. “Thinks I lied about being a les- a lebs- fuck it.”

Stevie hoped she didn’t snore in her sleep.

—

Stevie woke with the sun, her mouth so dry that her tongue felt like pure sandpaper.

Eddie hadn’t left.

She was sat next to Stevie in her bed, her laptop resting in front of her as she ate cereal and watched-

“Is that an anime?” Stevie asked, voice croaking out. Her eyeliner even felt crusty. God, she really needed a shower, didn’t she?

“Huh?” Eddie turned with big eyes, her headphones making her look a lot like some kind of hot gay alien. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry. I can go to my bed if you-“

“Please don’t,” Stevie said weakly, reaching out to rest one hand on Eddie’s bent knee. She was in pajamas now. Stevie was pretty sure she hadn’t been last night. How long had Stevie slept? “Cereal?”

“Brought you some too,” Eddie grinned warmly. Stevie felt her belly do a flip. “And some fruit if you’re not feeling it.”

God. Stevie couldn’t do this today.

Eddie always gave her options. Eddie always made sure to not pressure Stevie into eating certain things but always gave her the option to have them.

Stevie wanted to kiss Eddie over a breakfast choice.

Instead, she lifted herself up until she was sitting, arms stretching far over her head.

It took Stevie a second to realize Eddie’s spoon hadn’t quite made it to her mouth this time. She was just….staring. Just staring.

Eddie cleared her throat and the stare ended in seconds.

“How’d you sleep?”

Oh.

“Good,” Stevie smiled softly and lifted onto her knees this time. Realistically, she could have asked Eddie to hand her the stuff on her bedside table. This was much more fun. She leaned all the way over Eddie’s legs, just beyond her laptop. The movement made her shirt fall low on her back, her panties fully visible as she reached for a bottled drink Eddie had gotten her. “Did you sleep good?”

Eddie was silent.

She held her spoon up to her mouth, milk dripping silently into her bowl.

“Sorry,” Stevie grinned as she pulled away, sitting back down. “I was thirsty.”

Eddie cleared her throat loudly, eyes roving over Stevie without really trying to. She reached out and paused what she was watching and slowly sat her bowl down.

Stevie uncapped her drink and took a small sip that soon turned into a massive gulp. Fuck. She actually was pretty thirsty.

“Are you feeling okay?” Eddie asked, turning toward Stevie now. They were too close, closer than usual lately. “Just….you were pretty fucking high last night. Does your head feel okay?”

Stevie hated how much this uber caring side of Eddie was doing it for her.

Down girl.

“I feel fine,” Stevie said. Because she did feel fine. Mostly. The rest of it was just… “Didn’t have a very good night but I’m glad I came to see you. I like your hair.”

Stevie only vaguely remembered watching a girl cut Eddie’s hair last night. Things had quickly become blurry and now she couldn’t recall what else had happened.

“Do you…” Eddie trailed off, her eyes sort of wide. She seemed to think better of what she was about to ask. “Did something happen? You mentioned Lottie.”

Oh. Yeah. That. Eddie had asked her the same thing last night and Stevie still wanted to avoid the question.

“Um…” Stevie considered not telling Eddie, she really did. But she didn’t want to keep any more secrets from her, not like this. It was such a silly thing to keep to herself too. “Yeah, we just- we got into it-“ Stevie looked down, fiddling with the wrapper on her bottle. “She had a lot of questions about my sexuality and it kind of escalated.”

Eddie was watching her.

Stevie didn’t want to look at her now, not when Eddie was the first girl to doubt Stevie. She had apologized, Stevie reminded herself of that.

“Okay. Like what?”

“Like…” Stevie wasn’t sure why she was hesitating. “She didn’t believe me. Said some stuff about how if I- if I had fooled around with guys, I shouldn’t be calling myself a lesbian. I don’t know. Is that a common thing? Am I always gonna have to worry about that?”

Am I going to have to worry about you thinking the same thing?

“That’s dumb,” Eddie said, her voice a little too loud. She lowered it immediately when Stevie jolted in place. “That’s dumb. Look, I know I was…I wasn’t very nice to you. When you came out to me or- you know but I promise I don’t care. I literally don’t give a fuck what you do or who you like or anything. Lottie is an asshole. You’re a big, giant lesbian. Okay? You’re my big, giant lesbian.”

Stevie didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

She pitched herself forward instead, reaching around Eddie’s shoulders to hug her tight.

“Oh!” Eddie gasped, a hand lifting awkwardly to pay Stevie on the back. “Is this- did I upset you? Are you-?”

Stevie had never wanted to kiss someone more in her life.

But Eddie had Becca.

She pulled back slowly, her eyes only a little wet. What a simple sentiment, to have her nearly crying this early in the morning.

And god, Eddie’s haircut was so distracting.

“I’m wonderful,” Stevie said, feeling overly emotional after last night. “She was- it was just mean, the whole thing. Feel like I wasted time on her, kept thinking she would stop- she just- shes judgmental, that’s all. I can’t deal with that. I’m too sensitive.”

She laughed, a self deprecating noise.

“So?” Eddie asked, eyebrows lifting. “Who cares if you’re sensitive, Stevie. That’s not bad. It just means you know who you are better than you did before. I’m really proud of you.”

Stevie was sure that she might burst soon.

She had two demons inside of her. One that was pleased that Eddie appreciated anything about her but especially the work she had put in to become more confident with herself. The other was selfishly into Eddie praising her for literally anything.

“Thank you,” Stevie said, suddenly feeling very shy. “I’m proud of you too. For being- for- for trying.”

It didn’t quite make sense.

Eddie understood anyway.

“I started therapy a few days ago,” Eddie shrugged easily. “She thinks I have control issues-“ Steve smirked a little but tried to hide it. “Not like that, you perv.”

Stevie wished it was like that.

“It’s going pretty good,” Eddie admitted with a shrug. She wasn’t looking at Stevie now, instead playing with the blanket. “Got more to talk to her about after last night, I guess.”

Huh?

“What-what-uhh?”

God, did Stevie say something? She couldn’t recall. It would be deeply embarrassing if she had actually confessed something to Eddie. Or worse, propositioned her.

Eddie winced.

“Might have pissed Becca off,” She admitted, gripping the side of her arm until her fingernails imprinted against her pale skin. Stevie frowned at the gesture. “She was- she was there. At the party. The get together, whatever. She wasn’t so happy that I- Anyway, it’s not really important.”

Becca had been there.

Eddie had ditched Becca for Stevie.

Oh.

“I think she wants to meet up later-“

Stevie put her best acting face on.

Absolutely not. Not when Eddie looked upset and uncomfortable. Not when she was still gripping her arm like that, eyes distant.

“Oh man,” Stevie sighed loudly and pouted. “I was actually hoping you’d help me study today. I made some flash cards last week and I haven’t even looked at them yet.”

She had definitely already looked at them.

It didn’t matter. Eddie’s shoulders relaxed and her gaze cleared up.

“Yeah?” Eddie asked, almost as if she knew what Stevie was doing. “Okay, yeah. I can- we wouldn’t want you to fail, would we?”

“We wouldn’t,” Stevie responded with a smile, wishing once again that she could just kiss Eddie. “Let me get them out of my bag.”

But she really couldn’t, not like this.

Chapter Text

Stevie was trying her very best to get Eddie to avoid Becca. But. You know, in a subtle way. In a I am totally not doing what you think I am type of way. Who, me? I would never come between you and the girl you…..regularly sleep with. That would be ridiculous.

And it wasn’t even that Steve wanted to ‘come between them’ or anything so possessive. She just knew what sadness looked like and Eddie was practically oozing it lately. That, coupled with the fact that Becca was a demon, had Stevie thinking that things weren’t going so well for the two of them. Stevie felt a protectiveness so fierce that she was honestly dumbfounded by the intensity of it. She wanted to shake Eddie, wanted to tell her that she was better off without girls like Becca. All Becca seemed to do was make Eddie feel worse.

It was a strange juxtaposition, considering Eddie was now regularly frequenting therapy sessions. She said it felt like opening wound after wound. Though she usually laughed after she said this, so Stevie wasn’t quite sure if it was a joke or not. She also couldn’t tell if it was helping or if Becca’s mere presence was making the therapy sessions relatively useless.

She really was a soul sucking demon.

Stevie could immediately tell if Eddie had just spent time with Becca based solely on how tired she looked when she returned to their room.

Why was Becca so important to Eddie? Could she not see how draining Becca was as a person?

Stevie didnt want to broach the subject and possibly upset Eddie more. But it was incredibly difficult not to when-

Eddie groaned as she closed the door to their dorm and shuffled inside. She made it to Stevie’s bed and fell face forward onto her stomach, only groaning more with her face buried in the sheets.

Stevie stared in alarm, eyebrows raised as she paused the show she had been watching. Eddie didn’t move. Five seconds, ten seconds, almost fifteen.

Eventually, she had to turn her head and gasp for air.

“You okay there, champ?” Stevie asked, reaching out to awkwardly pat Eddie on her shoulder blades. Bad choice, now she was thinking about Eddie’s shoulderblades.

“Bad day,” Eddie pouted, her big brown eyes even rounder than usual. Stevie was a weak, weak girl. “Therapy was shit. Class was shit. Becca was shit.”

Oh.

Stevie was surprised that Eddie was even mentioning Becca.

“Yeah?” Stevie asked tentatively, not wanting to broach the subject too quickly lest she send Eddie running for the hills. “You didn’t come back to the dorms last night-“ She had dutifully texted Stevie so, a fact that kept Stevie up until at least three in the morning. “Did uh….did something-?”

Eddie didn’t seem to possess a filter today.

She did look pretty tired.

“Becca wanted me to meet her at this guys place,” Eddie said, eyes shutting almost painfully. “It was- I don’t know. I try not to go near places that seem like trap houses-“ Eddie snorted but Stevie didn’t really understand. “Place was full of people doing- anyway, I don’t like that shit. Makes me think of my mom.”

Oh.

That was-

“And then we got into it because I wanted to leave and she locked me on a fucking balcony.”

Sorry, what?

“What?” Stevie was more than alarmed. What did that even mean?

“Mhm,” Eddie murmured, arms stretching above her head as she rubbed her face against Stevie’s sheets. As if what she had just said was completely normal behavior. “She locked it from the inside while I was having a smoke and wouldn’t let me back in until I apologized.”

What the fuck?

“That’s not….Eddie, what the fuck?”

She opened one eye to look at Stevie. She shrugged.

“It’s fine,” Eddie said dismissively, calmly. “I’m not claustrophobic.”

That kind of wasn’t the point. At all.

“She can’t just- she shouldn’t-“ Stevie felt hot in the face, her chest constricting. “That’s not okay!”

Eddie looked alarmed then, eyebrows shooting up.

“I’m fine,” She said, almost soothingly. Like she was the one who needed to sooth Stevie, for fucks sake. “I was only out there for thirty minutes, tops. It wasn’t even cold.”

Stevie was going to combust. She was going to combust and maybe murder Becca.

Steve couldn’t stop herself from reaching out then, her hand resting gently against Eddie’s face. Eddie sucked in a harsh breath, her body going completely still.

“I wish you knew that that’s not-“ Stevie bit her lip and tried again. “Did you mention any of it to your therapist?”

Eddie looked shifty.

“Eddie,” Stevie sighed heavily and pet back the stray curls falling into her eyes. Eddie melted into the gesture, gaze going heavy. “You’re going for a reason, right? You should probably tell them everything you can. Otherwise they can’t help you the way you want.”

It was interesting how Eddie wasn’t fighting her. Stevie had heard plenty of times that you should be careful around friends in toxic relationships. That sometimes, talking to them about their toxic partner would only drive them further into their arms. Eddie didn’t seem to care. She seemed numb to it, as if she truly believed she deserved to be with someone like Becca.

“I know,” Eddie mumbled, pushing into Stevie’s hand. “I know, I will. I promise.”

Stevie couldn’t pull away now, not when Eddie looked so sweet like this. It was the type of thing that she didn’t usually let people see. All the vulnerability and softness, laid bare in front of Stevie.

Stevie was so stupidly in love.

“Thank you,” Stevie said, resisting the urge to kiss Eddie on the forehead. Maybe then she would wise up and realize that some people actually cared about her. “I’m proud of you for going to therapy, by the way. Maybe I should start going too.”

No need to tell Eddie that the last time she went she was a child and her mother had tried to pay off the therapist to see what Stevie was saying about her. Therapy was a touchy subject for Stevie.

“You should,” Eddie said, voice going soft as her eyes shut. It took Stevie seconds to realize she was falling asleep.

—

Stevie wasn’t stalking Eddie.

She wasn’t.

She just knew that Eddie was spending a lot of time out lately and she was being a little shifty about it. And Stevie had been right to be suspicious, as she leaned around the corner and watched Eddie and Becca sit down for lunch.

It wasn’t even abnormal.

Stevie wasn’t sure why Eddie felt the need to lie about who she was going to see. She usually told Stevie she had to get to the library or she had an extra class to take. Stevie had been pretty sure that Eddie was lying days ago and look, she was correct in her assumption. A woman’s intuition or whatever.

Stevie watched then as slyly as she capable of watching them, one eye trained on the couple as they sat down for lunch. Only Eddie had a tray but Stevie noticed that Becca stole half of her sandwich off it, despite the way that Eddie frowned at her. Eddie did nothing to stop it, a slump of defeat to her shoulders.

“Like a high school bully…” Stevie mumbled distastefully.

“You know, people usually use binoculars when they’re trying to be creeps.”

Stevie jumped like a cartoon, flipping around to squish her back against the wall she had just been peaking around.

Samantha.

Stevie held a hand to her chest as the other girl regarded her with thinly veiled curiosity and contempt. Good. So they still hated each other. At least something was balanced in this universe.

“Are you stalking me?” Stevie asked in alarm, noting the lack of tray in Becca’s hands. She wasn’t even here to eat.

“Are you stalking Eddie and bitchface Becca?” Samantha asked, not missing a second to dig her claws in. She really did not care. Stevie kind of admired how little Samantha cared.

“You’re not as funny as you think you are,” Stevie narrowed her eyes at Samantha, watching as she rudely resorted to examining her nails.

“And you’re not as stupid as you think you are,” Samantha sighed loudly and gave Stevie a deadpan look. “Seriously? Is this really worth it? Like, seeing them together?”

Stevie couldn’t tell if Samantha was being cruel or kind. She had this exasperated look about her, as if she had been here before and was trying to save Stevie the trouble. But this was different. Stevie was closer to Eddie. She knew something was up, she had heard it straight from Eddie’s mouth.

“You tell me,” Stevie shrugged lightly, not really caring if Samantha wanted to judge her for caring about her friend. “I don’t like her. She’s way worse than you even realize.”

Samantha eyed Stevie up and down for a few seconds, seeming to come to some unspoken conclusion.

“Right,” Samantha sighed again. “C’mon, you can tell me all about it after you buy me lunch-“ Stevie gave her an astounded look as Samantha wormed her arm around Stevie’s and hauled her off the wall. “Stop looking at me like that, daddy warbucks. I know your wallet’s fat, I’ve seen the shoes you wear.”

Stevie allowed herself to be pulled into the lunchroom, still mystified by this change of events.

—

Samantha forced Steve to buy the sandwich she had been eyeing up, perhaps sensing what everybody else could about Stevie and her relationship to food. Well, it was more that Samantha had glared at Stevie and smacked the sandwich onto her plate and told Stevie she was ‘hungrier than a horse on steroids and might need to eat two sandwiches to satisfy the demon inside of her’ whatever the fuck that meant.

She proceeded to slide the sandwich over to Stevie without a word.

“So, she like- she locked her on a balcony?” Samantha asked, eyebrows furrowed. She looked confused. Which was fair, Stevie was confused too. “I never noticed the two of them fighting when Eddie would come over.”

Stevie had never really considered the fact that because Eddie spent so much time with Becca now, she also spent time around Samantha.

Suddenly, Stevie felt a lot more sympathy toward Samantha. Ugh.

“I don’t think it’s explosive fighting,” Stevie tried to subtly watch the pair where they sat all the way across the room. It was almost too far to even see what they were doing. “I think….Eddie might be a little bit beaten down right now-“ Stevie didn’t elaborate, it didn’t feel right to talk about Eddie’s problems when she wasn’t around. “And Becca is kind of an opportunist. I think she might just be the type who likes to drain the life out of people.”

Samantha hummed very seriously.

“So a vampire?” Stevie gave her an exasperated look. “Not in the literal sense! I’m crazy but I don’t believe in vampires, Stevie. She does seem draining. I don’t know, we don’t talk much. Lottie found her and-“

Samantha cringed, looking as though she hadn’t meant to mention Lottie. Stevie rolled her eyes.

“Sorry about that, by the way.”

Why was Samantha apologizing?

“On behalf of the gay twat community,” Samantha gave her a little salute. “I don’t know. She seemed fine to me when I agreed to room with her. She’s…..kind of rude, to put it lightly. We mostly get along. She has a lot to say about my tattoos.”

Stevie snorted at that.

She would.

“What? You don’t like them?” Samantha asked, pouting very seriously. “And here I thought we could have a grand, blossoming friendship. I don’t know if I can be friends with you if you don’t respect my dinosaur tattoos.”

She pulled the sleeve of her t-shirt up and revealed the scribble of a shitty dinosaur tattoo.

“You know what he says?” Samantha asked, face going impassive again. Stevie felt like she was in a sitcom.

“What does he say?” Stevie asked, heavily put upon as she shoved more of her sandwich in her mouth. Whatever. Eddie and Becca were making out now, in full view of the lunchroom. Might as well let Samantha….entertain….her.

Just like that, Samantha looked to their table and back to Stevie. Very subtle.

She raised her eyebrows and flexed her skinny arm like an idiot. Stevie felt a sudden, strange surge of affection.

“Rawr,” Samantha said solemnly, letting the shirt fall. “He says rawr. Wanna see his friends?”

Stevie wasn’t sure where to put all her feelings lately. This gratitude she felt toward a perfect stranger, someone who had been so mean to her previously. The sadness she felt pouring from her chest, knowing Becca had her tongue halfway down Eddie’s throat just across the room. A girl who was willingly sitting down with Stevie and attempting to distract her from tearing herself apart. It was all just a little too much.

“Sure, yeah. Show me his friends.”

—

Stevie wasn’t sure how Samantha ended up in their dorm. Perhaps this was the sort of thing that Stevie should have warned Eddie about.

But as it turned out, they had a lot more in common than sleeping with Eddie.

Stevie cackled as Samantha told her some story about her step dad, relaying the events in such detail that Stevie felt as though she was actually there. Ironically, Samantha was also a great writer. It made sense. She could definitely talk anyone’s ear off.

Eddie looked more than shocked when she opened the door to the two of them laughing maniacally in Stevie’s bed.

The silence following was intense.

“Uhhh…” Eddie trailed off, looking between the two of them like she was watching a tennis match. “What- what is-?”

“Oh! You didn’t text to-“ It fast occurred to Stevie that this situation looked both very odd and very- “Oh my god, ew. No, it’s not like that.”

Samantha smacked her hard on the shoulder.

“Hey, fuck you. You would be so lucky,” She turned to Eddie with perhaps the most diplomatic of faces. “We’re not screwing, don’t worry. I’m not nearly that vindictive.”

Eddie winced at that, scratching the back of her head as if that was exactly where her brain had gone. Samantha didn’t sound bitchy but the implication was clear. Eddie had once slept with Samantha and low-key led her on. Now she was sleeping with her roommate. Eddie really did have a way of working herself back into peoples lives.

Eddie looked sheepish.

“Hey, I’m like- I am so so-“

“Nope,” Samantha said, smiling with all her teeth and kicking off the bed. “It’s all good, my dude. I hate apologies, they give me hives. Besides, I’ve been a heinous bitch for ages. Let’s call it even.”

Stevie felt like she was witnessing a historical event.

Especially as Samantha held her hand out for a befuddled Eddie to shake. She darted a look toward Stevie as if to ask, ‘Is this okay?’

The whole exchange had no right to be as adorable as it was.

Samantha left shortly after, winking at Stevie in a manner so obvious that Stevie wanted to throw something at her. She really was kind of devious now that they were getting along.

Eddie remained in the center of the room, still shell shocked.

“I didn’t….expect that,” She said, mouth open the tiniest amount. Stevie wanted to kiss her, she always did. “Are you- that was okay, right? You two are- are you friends now?”

Stevie shrugged.

“Sort of?” She responded with just as much curiosity and befuddlement. “She’s not that bad now. We have more in common than I thought.”

The comment was on the nose enough that Eddie went red in the face. Stevie only felt half bad about it.

—

Stevie was pretty sure Lottie was attempting to apologize to her again. Or, okay. She was trying to contact Stevie. She had called Stevie twice this afternoon and Stevie didn’t have the guts to answer, too afraid of confrontation to actually do it.

She also really didn’t want to hear any excuses Lottie had. She was over it already, moving onto something else that could potentially make her happy. Stevie wasn’t even sure what that was. Focusing on her classes, probably. Learning how to get to the first bisque stage in ceramics. She had made a wonderful little jewelry hanging dish and it was finally bone dry. She was excited to see if it made it through the first stages of firing. She’d even picked out the glaze she wanted to coat it with and everything. Their professor was trying to teach them different glazing methods. They were supposed to use multiple by the end of the semester, so Stevie was intrigued to see what she might do with this piece.

It was all very boring from the outside.

But she felt at peace, she felt like she was actually enjoying something for once. Something that wasn’t tied to her mother, something no one could take from her.

Stevie was beginning to enjoy art, actually. She wasn’t the best at any of it but it was peaceful. It allowed her mind to go silent, a calm pouring over her when she was in the studio.

She wasn’t thinking about Lottie when she was in there. She wasn’t worried about what the other girl had thought of her or why she felt the need to be so casually cruel.

Stevie eventually decided that enough was enough, after Lottie attempted to call her for the fourth time of the day.

“Yes?” Stevie answered, her voice going sharp.

“Stevie?” Lottie didn’t sound very apologetic, so they were already off to a bad start. Stevie stopped dead in her footsteps just outside her science building, tapping her foot against the pavement as she waited for Lottie to get with the program. “I texted you like ten times.”

Stevie hadn’t bothered to look.

“I’ve been busy.”

“I doubt that,” Lottie said sardonically. Stevie had already been fuming but this only made her mood that much worse. “I know you’re not that busy. You could easily just pick up your phone and-“

“I could,” Stevie cut Lottie easily, her hand shaking as it gripped her phone. Never mind the fact that she was actually quite busy with school right now. Of course that wouldn’t count to Lottie. “But I don’t want to. I also don’t have to. Can you leave me alone now? Are you satisfied? There’s nothing to be said, there’s no conversation to be had that-“

“I wasn’t calling to-“

“I’m blocking you,” Stevie said loudly enough that a passing student looked alarmed. Oh well. “Stop trying to contact me, okay? You’re getting on my nerves. I have better things to do than died your texts and calls.”

The irony here was that people regularly likened Stevie to a princess who wasn’t used to being told no. But she was pretty certain that Lottie was never told no either.

Stevie had been told no plenty growing up.

That’s why it was so easy to identify when someone was a dick just to be a dick.

Stevie hit the end call button and true to her word, she blocked Lottie on everything.

—

Stevie was having a fairly good week once everything went to shit. It wasn’t surprising, not in the least. She was used to things going off the deep end at random, especially since she started college.

Only, this time, it had nothing to do with Stevie. It had everything to do with Eddie.

Eddie’s mood was only getting worse and worse with each passing day. She had no real fight left to her, none of her usual sarcasm or snippiness. She walked around like some sort of zombie. Stevie was pretty sure that relationships shouldn’t drain you, not like this. It wasn’t healthy. She was also pretty sure Eddie had missed her last two therapy appointments.

Stevie had already talked to Robin about whether or not she needed to stage some sort of intervention.

As it turned out, she didn’t need to at all.

Stevie entered the dorm room on a regular Thursday night to absolute chaos. Eddie hadn’t texted her back, so Stevie figured she was busy or maybe she had gone out….or likely, she was just with Becca.

Eddie was not. She was on all fours on the floor, searching beneath her bed with all the frantic energy of a wild animal.

Stevie shut the door behind her, eyes wide as she watched Eddie mutter to herself, coming back into a kneeling position with both hands buried in her messy hair.

Her eyes were tinged with tears, dark bags visible just beneath.

She looked up at Stevie, lost for words.

“Eddie?” Stevie asked, suddenly very worried. Her side of the room wasn’t quite ransacked but it was clear she was looking for something.

“She- she took my-“ Eddie bit out her words, scrubbing anxious hands over her face. “She took my fucking music book. Oh my god. She had to- she joked about it and I thought-“

What?

Her- her music book? The one Eddie was always writing in? The one she kept near her bed when she wasn’t in class?

“Back up,” Stevie frowned widely, unsure if she was hearing right. “Who took what? Come here, get off the floor. You look exhausted.”

“Fucking Becca,” Eddie groaned, pulling herself up and throwing her arms out in frustration. “I have to- she made a joke when she saw it and she was going through all the songs, my entire year of lyrics and compositions and she- I guess she didn’t like it-“ Eddie huffed and pulled at her hair. Jesus Christ, she really was draining Eddie. “I think she took it. It’s got- it has everything for the year in it, Stevie. All my final work, she- I am so fucking stupid.”

Becca really was a comic book villain, huh?

What kind of crazy bitch steals someone’s music project?

“Why would she-“

“Because she saw all the songs I wrote about you!” Eddie groaned, throwing her hands out again in frustration. Stevie was dumbfounded but Eddie seemed so out of it, she hadn’t even realized what she’d said. “She’s a jealous cunt. We’re not even dating! I can’t- I have to cut her off, I have to dump her or-“

Eddie laughed a little hysterically.

Stevie wasn’t sure she had ever seen another person so demoralized before.

“Or something. I’m seriously scared she’ll do something insane or-“

Stevie couldn’t really think.

She wanted to help Eddie. She didn’t want to watch someone she cared for be so beaten down.

She was also distracted by the fact that Eddie had songs written about her. Her. Stevie.

Right. Not the part to focus on right now.

“I can get it back for you,” Stevie blurted, unsure if she even had a plan. Probably not. Who knew how crazy Becca actually was? But Stevie was a big girl. She could probably fight. If she had to. Eddie already looked ready to protest. “Hey, it’s important to you and you need it for class. We can get it back. I’m not scared of Becca.”

Her words seemed to take the wind of Eddie.

“You won’t even have to lift a finger-“

“Stevie,” Eddie frowned then, looking so very tired. “I can’t- no. This is my problem. I should have never slept with her. I knew she had a bad reputation and I was feeling- I don’t know, probably some stupid self deprecating bullshit- you don’t have to do anything.”

“Well, I want to,” Stevie stood then, staring Eddie down. “And you’re going to break up with her. Enough is enough. I’m tired of seeing you look like this.”

Stevie knew she was overstepping.

Eddie had the good grace to look ashamed, as if any of it was her fault. Sure, she had started seeing Becca. That didn’t mean she deserved to be treated like trash. Eddie didn’t disagree though. She knew it was time.

“Okay, yeah. Um-“ Eddie mumbled to herself, distracted. “How do we- what do we-?”

“Give me your phone,” Stevie said, holding her hand out with a lot more confidence than she felt. It was true though. She had dealt with crazy her entire life, none of this was new. “I’ll get your book back.”

—

Becca apparently didn’t have a life.

She picked up almost immediately. Stevie was sure if she heard the phone ring at all.

“Hey, babe-“

“Hey, Becca.”

There was a beat of silence, the satisfying kind. It actually felt so good to have one up on this bitch. Especially as Eddie sat across the room, eyes worried as she chewed at her fingernails.

God, Stevie had never been angrier.

“What are you- who is this?”

Ah. There was that hallmark jealousy.

“It’s Stevie,” She replied quickly, pushing past whatever bullshit Becca was likely to spew. Stevie didn’t really feel like getting into a pissing contest with her right now. “You have something of Eddie’s and I want it back. We want to meet up to get it-“

“I didn’t take anything,” Becca said, nearly innocent. It wasn’t remotely convincing. “And anyway, why does she have you calling? Is she that much of a pussy?”

Stevie already had a headache forming.

“You took her music book,” Stevie sighed, standing in the middle of the room with one fist clenched. “She needs it back, so. You’re going to give it back.”

“Oh, am I?”

So much for ‘I didn’t take anything’

Right. Stevie had had enough of this bitch.

She didn’t usually like to pull the rich dad card but…

“Listen, you little freak. My father has a lawyer on retainer and money to spare. I swear to God, I will ruin your entire life if you don’t give the fucking book back. I will haunt you, I will ruin your entire collegiate career. You think my morals are too good that I won’t convince every single professor in campus to fail you at the drop of a dime?” Stevie wasn’t sure if she could but honestly, most people were pretty gross when it came to money. “I will make you regret ever fucking with my friend.”

“Yeah,” Becca didn’t sound entirely unconvinced. “Just because your daddy is rich doesn’t mean you can-“

“That’s exactly what it means,” Stevie hissed, feeling very vindictive. Eddie looked mildly alarmed. “I don’t care. I’m a rich girl with my rich daddy’s money and I do not care. I will make your life a living hell. Do you understand?”

Perhaps Becca was crazier than she appeared. Stevie would have questioned herself extensively but she wondered if Becca hadn’t already looked Stevie and her family up.

“Fine,” She snapped, ugly and mean down the line. “Fine. I’m going to a Sigma Chi party tomorrow. If you meet there, I’ll have the-“

“Why would we meet you at a party?” Stevie asked in disgust.

“I’m not meeting you alone,” Becca said, sounding like the perfect victim. She simpered and everything. “What if you jump me? You’re pretty big for a girl.”

Stevie had a vivid image of punching one of Becca’s teeth clean out of her mouth.

“Fine,” Stevie snapped back. “Fine, we’ll meet you there. Don’t try to start anything.”

Stevie had a bad feeling about this.

—

Stevie opted out of telling Robin and Chrissy what they were up to. She figured they would rightfully attempt to talk Eddie and her out of it. But Stevie wasn’t backing down. She was so pissed off that she felt an adrenaline rush from it. She had never cared much for bully’s.

Becca was the biggest bully of them all.

She wanted to keep Eddie but not claim her. She wanted to treat Eddie like shit, just to see if she would keep coming back. It made Stevie sick.

So, they were going to this stupid party.

The ride there was silent and awkward as Eddie fidgeted with each of her rings and pretended like she wasn’t nervous. Stevie hated that part too. What exactly had Becca been doing to cause Eddie to actually be scared of her?

“Hey,” Stevie said softly, reaching out with one hand to rest her palm over Eddie’s shaking knee. “It’s okay. I can go get it alone, if you like-“ Stevie would much prefer to get it alone. “You don’t have to see her. I know she- I mean, I don’t know what all she did. But I know you don’t like being around her and-“

“She’s just-“ Eddie breathed deep. “I shouldn’t have gone near her. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

There was too much self blame in that statement for Stevie to ignore.

“It’s not your fault she’s a bitch,” Stevie said harshly. Too harshly. “Sorry. I just don’t like how uncomfortable she makes you. How long has that been going on?”

Eddie didn’t speak for a good thirty seconds or more.

“Since we started talking,” Eddie admitted. Her voice was kind of faint, a dead thing curled up on the floorboard of Stevie’s car. “I don’t know. I didn’t think- I always liked mean girls. Bratty. I thought she was just- that she was just like that. Like? Jokingly mean. But she’s actually mean. And then it went from words to her actually doing shit-“
What?

“Doing shit? What does that mean?”

Eddie looked very uncomfortable now.

“I dunno,” She said dismissively, cringing a bit in her seat. “She kind of…scratched my face? No one noticed. I covered it up pretty good but- but she came at me when she was drunk a few weeks ago and- yeah, she just. Went off.”

Steve was going to lose it.

She had to reign herself in, realizing her anger might just upset Eddie even more.

“We’re getting your book back,” Stevie said, gripping the steering wheel with one hand. She kept her hand gentle on Eddie’s leg. “Don’t worry. You don’t even have to talk.”

Eddie remained silent for the rest of the ride.

—

Stevie hated frat parties.

She hated them even more when she didn’t want to be at them.

The place was crowded and loud, of course it was. People spilled out onto the kept lawn, the lights from inside casting shadows on drunk college students as they stumbled their way down the sidewalk.

Stevie was alight with nerves and renewed rage on Eddie’s behalf. But she could be calm, she could be collected. She didn’t really want to cause a scene. She just wanted to get Eddie’s book back and leave. She might tell Becca to go fuck herself, that too.

Eddie had made it clear that she wanted to break up with Becca and that she didn’t want Stevie to have to do it for her. Stevie could understand. She had been there too many times, feeling like she didn’t have the bravery to stand up to someone terrible in her life. This was no different. She knew Eddie needed to get it over with and rip it off like a bandaid.

Stevie just hoped Becca took all her threats seriously.

They met the devil herself just outside the side of the frat house, bathed in streetlight as she waited. Stevie was hesitant as they walked up, resisting the urge to reach for Eddie’s hand.

There was a group of guys nearby.

Stevie did not trust Becca.

Still. There were plenty of people around.

“Thanks,” Stevie said sarcastically, holding her hand out for the book in question as soon as they stood in front of Becca. And she had it, right there in her greedy little hands. She was practically hugging it. It looked relatively unscathed but Stevie couldn’t be sure. “Hand it over.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

Becca was really trying it now.

Stevie took a deep breath.

“Give it to me or-“

“Why don’t you let Eddie talk? You’re doing all of it for her, she hasn’t even said anything. How am I supposed to know this is what she really wants?” Becca turned to Eddie then, a sarcastic smile on her painted lips. Stevie resisted the urge to smack her. Especially when she could see the group of guys moving closer. No, she didn’t like that at all. Did they know Becca? Were they up to something?

“I want my book back,” Eddie said, voice stronger than expected. “And I want you to leave me the fuck alone. Whatever this was, it’s over and done. Don’t call me, don’t text me. Leave me alone or else.”

Becca snorted softly.

“Or else what? Does she have you on daddy’s payroll now?”

Wow. Becca sure was being brave. One of the guys from the group stood next to her, posturing like a complete asshole. He looked so remarkably similar to her that Stevie had to wonder if he was Becca’s brother.

“None of your business,” Stevie snapped, growing tired. And paranoid. Still. Plenty of people around. “Give me the book.”

Becca finally conceded, rolling her eyes as she handed the book to Eddie instead.

Eddie took it and hugged it to her chest, eyes wide.

Good. They were done now.

Stevie was just about to turn away when the meat head next to Becca decided to open his dumb fucking mouth.

“If I ever see your dyke ass around my sister again, I’ll make sure you get taken care of.”

Stevie didn’t think. She just swung.

She had never broken another persons nose before but she was fairly sure that she had just broken this guys nose. She clocked him square in the face, the impact hard enough to hurt her hand. The crunch was satisfying though. And so was the blood pouring out of his nose and over his mouth. He had a dumb, stunned look on his face. As if he has never been punched by a girl before.

And the look on Becca’s face.

God, Stevie wanted a photo of the look on Becca’s face.

Stevie let out a hysterically loud laugh and felt Eddie slip her hand into Stevie’s, warm and firm as she pulled them fast away from the looming group of frat guys.

Right. Stevie had just punched someone. She had just broken a guys nose, holy fuck. Holy fuck?

Reality poured back in and everything began to move very fast.

“Oh fuck, run!” Eddie screamed, pulling Stevie away from the house in a fast stream. They rushed through the crowd of people but Stevie didn’t have it in her to look back. No, she knew at least one of those lackeys would be following them. So she ran with Eddie, laughing still as they rounded the corner and set off down the street. Stevie had never ran so fast in her life, her tennis shoes smacking harder and harder against the ground with every passing second. It nearly hurt, her lungs searing with night air as she tried to pull Eddie along with her.

She had the intelligence to grip her keys in her pocket, readying to throw her doors open.

It didn’t take long to get inside and she could still see the group running down the street, far off enough that she knew her and Eddie had looked insane, booking it through a frat party with a bloodied frat douche screaming after them.

But Eddie had her book, so Stevie really didn’t care.

—

They made it back to their dorm in one piece.

Two pieces.

Stevie was breathless as they fell into the room, her eyes wide as Eddie stared back at her.

“Oh my god,” Eddie wheezed, dropping her book to the floor. They hadn’t looked to see if Becca had ruined any of it, not yet. Stevie still had adrenaline pumping in her veins. Because holy shit, she had just- and god, her hand hurt and Eddie was right there, eyes as big as the moon as she stood in front of Stevie in their dorm room. Their room. Their home. “Oh my god, you punched a frat guy for me. You- holy fuck.”

Stevie couldn’t believe it either.

“I mean, I think he was just-“

Eddie pushed forward and pressed Stevie against their door, lips slamming up against hers in the most inelegant kiss they’d ever shared.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Eddie Munson was twelve years the old the first time she kissed a girl. It was a horrible mess, really. It wasn’t planned, nor thought out. Eddie was only half involved, really. She was a nervous girl, too weird for public consumption. There was no way she would have planned to kiss another girl. That would have been social suicide.

Her first kiss happened organically, in the worst possible way.

Eddie had been invited to her first ever sleepover, the type of event she never thought she’d get invited to. She wasn’t really girly, not in the way other girls were. She would carry dolls around during recess in her younger years but she would always get in trouble for making them fight each other, boxing ring style. She thought it was funny, her teachers not so much. She got mud coated up to her knees if they were playing outside. She liked dirt pies and mud spells and bugs and rocks and sand. Her teachers had to contact Uncle Wayne on more than one occasion, complaining about how they thought it was “unsightly for a young girl to be playing with boys all the time.” Eddie didn’t care. She actually liked playing with girls too, maybe more. But the girls in her grade thought she was gross, so.

Eddie kind of avoided them. No one had ever told her to do so, she had just adapted that way. The girls in her class would glare at her until she shrunk back into the background, learning her place quickly. Eddie was too excited, too loud. She a distraction in class. Some teachers called her enthusiastic to a fault.

She was trying, she really was.

Most kids didn’t want to be around her, not just the girls. Boys begrudgingly accepted her into their ranks but they never really listened to her.

Eddie figured it was all sort of hopeless.

But then she made a friend. A friend named Kasey. Kasey was nice to Eddie. And not fake nice, not like some of the kids pretended to be while teachers had their eyes on them. Eddie was truly shocked the first time Kasey decided to sit next to her during lunch. No one sat next to Eddie. They didn’t even look at her as they walked into the lunchroom, sliding right last her table as if this was the only time Eddie was invisible. Otherwise, she was a target.

But Kasey sat with her one day and didn’t look back. In retrospect, the two of them weren’t friends for long. It felt like so much longer to Eddie back then. It felt like she finally had a best friend.

They both liked trading cards and painting their nails different colors. Kasey didn’t care that Eddie had a boys nickname. Kasey didn’t care if the girls at school turned their noses up at her multi-colored toenails or her smudged temporary tattoos. Her parents had money, a fact that she let slide one day when a girl was making fun of her backpack for being two colors. Kasey had turned her nose up at the girl and told her she wouldn’t get it. Eddie was uncomfortable at the mention of money but….but Kasey was nice to Eddie, so. She couldn’t be bad, right? They were so similar too.

Kasey was loud like Eddie and maybe a little mean too. Just like Eddie. She cursed like Eddie did and only hid it around their teachers. She listened when Eddie started rambling about tv shows she liked and never told Eddie to shut up. She really was the perfect girl. The perfect friend. Eddie sort of had the tiniest crush on Kasey, a fact that she was trying to desperately hide. Eddie knew it wouldn’t go over well, she knew enough about the people in this town. She wasn’t allowed to like girls. Never. It would be- it wasn’t allowed, that was all.

So. Eddie could have this. A female friend that didn’t hate her guts and had no ulterior motives. She would take what she could get.

Even Wayne was shocked when Kasey invited Eddie over to her house for a sleepover.

She was so excited, if not a bit nervous for the night. Kasey had told Eddie to bring a bathing suit but Eddie didn’t own one and she wasn’t about to make Uncle Wayne buy her one. Not when she had an old t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts that should work just fine. She wanted to swim, she didn’t care about looking cute. Eddie was pretty sure that no part of her was cute anyway.

She arrived to Kasey’s house with her school backpack emptied out and packed with an outfit change and pajamas. She may have shoved her stuffed monkey in there. Just in case. She was too old for it and she knew that but-

She wanted to have him with her anyway.

Kasey lived in a very big house.

Eddie hadn’t been in many big houses. She had only stayed with two different foster families. The first one….she didn’t talk about them. They weren’t very nice. The second was fine, an older couple named the Weldon’s. They were okay, if not a bit cold and stuffy. At least they fed Eddie.

This house was bigger than either of those houses Eddie had lived in. And it certainly wasn’t a trailer.

Eddie didn’t know what to do with herself once she was inside. Not until Kasey came downstairs, already dressed in her bathing suit. It was a soft blue, the kind of color you might wear on Easter. Eddie marveled at her hair, braided in two strands on both sides of her face. She had the prettiest freckles Eddie had ever seen.

Eddie felt her face go hot, unsure how to talk when her friend finally descended down the long staircase and grabbed Eddie by the hand. She hoped her palm wasn’t sweaty, oh god. It probably was.

“C’mon! Let’s get ready before everyone gets here!”

That was how Eddie found herself in Kasey’s room for the first time. It was just as nice as the rest of the house suggested, with posters on her walls and clothes spilling from her closet. Eddie was mesmerized by how lived in it was compared to the downstairs. Eddie couldn’t even believe she was here or that she would be sleeping in this room tonight. It was beyond her comprehension.

And then.

“Close your eyes,” Kasey said with a smile. Eddie had pulled her shorts on already, shyer than ever around the girl she had a secret crush on. Kasey had been kind enough to turn away while Eddie changed, spouting off nonsense about all the things they would be doing tonight. She kept giggling between words but Eddie figured she was just excited. Maybe she didn’t get to have sleepovers all the often. She had given Eddie the biggest smile once she turned back around but something about it didn’t meet her eyes. Eddie was nervous, especially now. She sealed her eyes shut and waited.

Kasey got closer.

And closer.

Until their lips touched.

The kiss was quick, nothing too crazy.

Just a peck on the lips.

Eddie could feel her belly fluttering, all those jokes about butterflies finally making sense. She could barely breathe when Kasey pulled back, her throat tight as-

There was a shriek of laughter, spilling outward from the closet.

Eddie’s eyes snapped open and she felt her stomach dip instantly. Three or four girls, laughing hysterically as they fell from the closet door. The clothes. They were just- they were moved to hide them.

These girls from Eddie and Kasey’s class.

And Kasey. She was- she was smirking.

“Told you so.”

The statement wasn’t directed toward Eddie but rather to the group of girls.

Oh.

“She’s a lesbo!” One of the girls laughed even louder, like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. It wasn’t. It wasn’t funny at all. “I knew it!”

“You didn’t know it,” Kasey snapped, looking so unlike herself that Eddie was thrown off. “I could tell though. All she does it stare at me like a little freak in class. It’s gross. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

Oh. Oh god.

Eddie felt her eyes well up, her belly flipping like she might- oh god, what had she done?

“Did you think it wasn’t obvious that you were just trying to get here so you could perv on all of us?”

But that wasn’t-

“I wouldn’t- I would never-“

“But you did. You kissed me.”

No. That wasn’t true.

“You kissed me,” Eddie said, already close to crying now. “You- you guys saw it, right? You saw her do it!”

If Eddie truly thought any of the girls would be on her side, she was wrong. Dead wrong.

“You kissed her,” One blonde girl said, her nose stuck high in the air like a princess. “We all saw it. You probably wanted to see her room so you could try to spy on all of us.”

No- Eddie had never- she wouldn’t do that to anyone. She was filled with cold dread and fear, her entire body shaking from head to toe.

“Yeah, she’s always been a creep-“

“I’m not a creep,” Eddie was almost begging. She felt so stupid in her outfit now, over exposed and silly as the girls pointed and laughed at her. “I’m not- I would never-“

Whatever Eddie had to say no longer mattered.

She knew this was going to be bad. By Monday, they would have it spread around school. There would be no hiding or pretending.

Worst of all, she was about to lose a friend. Not for the first time either. Eddie sucked up her tears and ran from the room.

—

Uncle Wayne ended up having to pick a hysterical Eddie up from her first ever sleepover, her nose red and her face flushed once she got into his truck. He didn’t say much about it. He didn’t care; that became abundantly clear. Uncle Wayne didn’t care who Eddie loved, so long as she did her homework.

She wished everyone else could be like him.

—

“So, did that experience sour you of sleepovers for good?”

Eddie snorted softly, feeling a bit odd for telling a story that had happened such a long time ago. It didn’t matter, it didn’t affect who she was now. The past was the past or whatever.

“No,” Eddie admitted. “I went to a few more after that. Met a girl through my mom’s friend and went to her house, fooled around with her later. Her name was Melissa.”

Eddie knew what was coming.

“Did you love Melissa?”

Simple answer.

“No,” She said, staring at the ground. “She just…existed. She was cute, sweet. I dunno. She was fun for a bit.”

Right. She was, Eddie wasn’t lying about that part. But every single one of Eddie’s past relationships tended to end up in flames, even if most of them weren’t stereotypical relationships at all. They were…Flings. Fun. Nothing serious.

Eddie was allergic to the concept of love.

“What was it about her that made you believe the two of you couldn’t form that bond? Was it just your age?”

Eddie had a headache. It wasn’t Jessica’s fault. She was a pretty good therapist for a college like this. But Eddie could barely focus on anything these days, let alone her own scrambled thoughts.

“I guess so,” Eddie lied. That wasn’t all, she knew it wasn’t. “I might have- I don’t know, I probably have a complex.”

Jessica hummed.

“What kind of complex?”

She probably already knew.

“I’ve always been able to charm girls,” Eddie admitted, kicking her foot up and down as a distraction. “Like, it’s easy. It’s a game, kind of. I don’t know, that sounds really bad. But it used to be fun, to see if I could- if I could get pretty girls to like me. Like, it was funny to me because I’m this scrawny little nothing and- I don’t know.”

She felt like shit even admitting it.

“Do you think maybe your bullying experience and subsequent self denial growing up may have led you to pursue a certain type of girl?”

Maybe.

“No,” Eddie denied it anyway. “I- I date lots of different women-“ That part was true, at least. “I stopped going for girls who have never- who are new to it. After- after my, uh-“

“After the older lady you dated?”

Eddie didn’t really like using her name.

“Yeah,” Eddie cleared her throat. “I guess I got a taste of what it was like to be the inexperienced one and I kind of got tired of it.”

That was the easy way to describe that relationship. In reality, Eddie had acted like an emotional fool, uneasy with the fact that she had maybe fallen a little too hard for someone in a different chapter of their life. Incompatible.

“So, then you found Stevie and…”

Right.

“And now I’m back to square one,” Eddie thought on it for a second. “Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment. Maybe I find these girls and I think I’m some kind of God because I can pull them and I just wait for the other shoe to drop, for it to fuck me up or destroy me and…and it usually does. So I move onto someone else.”

Honesty wasn’t Eddie’s strong suit but she was trying. She wanted to try.

Not just for Stevie.

“Does it usually? Or would you say Stevie is an outlier?”

Absolutely.

“Stevie is….unprecedented,” Eddie said, smiling sardonically. “I guess she slipped under the radar. I already fucked things up too many times by being a dick. I keep- it’s like I see her and my words come out jumbled and I say mean shit and I don’t really mean it. But how do you apologize then? If you know what you said was inexcusable?”

“You still apologize,” Jessica smiled in warm amusement. “That’s all. I’m sure Stevie would appreciate an apology.”

Eddie knew she should. Her tongue got tied every time she tried. She would see Stevie sitting in their dorm, smiling away as she typed on her laptop, her pretty hair piled on top of her head. Her golden skin, her gorgeous eyes. Eddie hated that Stevie had to hear her voice, hated that she had ever sullied Stevie by putting her hands on her. It was an insane thought to have. It didn’t even make any sense. Eddie felt like she left a smudge on everything. So, she selfishly went after women she knew she could never really keep and she disposed of them before she could get attached to them. And it was better than feeling lonely, at least for some time. Better than feeling like the disposable thing she’d been her entire life. Because these women wanted her. They liked her for some insane reason. They actually did.

It was thinly veiled.

It wasn’t real. It never was.

Stevie was the same. She was the same but not at all. She was sweeter than anyone Eddie had ever met. Eddie had snapped at Stevie upon their first meeting because she couldn’t believe she had been housed with someone who was the polar opposite of her. Her first thought was oh no, I can’t do this. This girl is everything I go after, everything I long for. How am I supposed to stay in a dorm with her?

There was no real outcome in Eddie’s mind that would have actually led to her sleeping with Stevie. That was Eddie’s own bias speaking. She needed to- it wasn’t fair of her to ever assume what someone’s sexuality might be. And she had assumed. Hard.

Eddie was truly immature in that first weak. “I can’t have you, so let me be a dick about it.” She was too old to be acting like that. Uncle Wayne would have told her to stop acting like an asshole. He often did.

The problem with waking up from a few years of being a pig was that Eddie now felt as though she needed to go on an apology tour. God, she really did. Maybe not for everyone. But most of them deserved an apology. Especially Samantha. For how Eddie had strung her along so cruelly. Eddie was stopping that. No more.

Maybe that was why she chose Becca.

Becca was mean. There wasn’t a drop of sweet to her, no matter who she pretended to be. She didn’t want Eddie to love her or care about her. She just wanted to own Eddie. It was sick in its own way. And Eddie felt as though she deserved it. After all this time, after all the girls she had hurt, maybe she deserved to rot with someone willing to put up with her.

Becca hated Eddie. She was almost certain of this fact. Eddie liked to joke about it, sure. But Becca didn’t want to claim Eddie. She said Eddie was “used goods” as a joke. She liked to hang all over Eddie and make jabs at her body and hair and the way she grew up. She liked plying Eddie with alcohol and asking her personal questions, pushing and pushing until Eddie told her what she wanted to know. Eddie wasn’t even sure what the fuck Becca’s problem was. She was an enigma of a person, cruel just to be cruel. It made no sense and Eddie wasn’t bothering to even attempt to dissect why.

Either way, Eddie was avoiding mentioning Becca in therapy. She didn’t think it would go over well.

Most things didn’t.

—

Stevie Harrington was the most beautiful girl Eddie Munson had ever had the pleasure of meeting. The fact that she would even roll around in a bed with Eddie was beyond comprehension.

Even worse that Stevie seemed to have a type.

Lottie wasn’t a good person and Eddie already kind of knew that. She vaguely knew of Lottie. How many queer girls did Eddie not know? Lottie was on the same list around campus. Eddie had never slept with her, though maybe that would have changed with time. Before Eddie decided that she shouldn’t be using sex to cope with her mental issues.

Lottie was….exactly who Eddie was trying not to be. Judgmental. Rude. A little too focused on talking down to people instead of trying to understand them. Eddie couldn’t be too much of a dick about Lottie, Eddie wasn’t much better. Or hadn’t been in the past.

That didn’t mean that she liked seeing Stevie with Lottie. Purely on accident, of course. Eddie wasn’t nearly enough of a masochist to seek them out on her own.

It wasn’t even that Eddie thought Stevie should be with her. She didn’t. Eddie hardly ever believed that anyone should be with her. Let alone a girl like Stevie. She just….allowed her jealousy to get better of her. This time was so much worse than any other time. Mostly because Eddie wasn’t prepared to feel so viscerally attached to Stevie. She was so brave, the type of person that snapped at their breaking point and never looked back. Eddie had judged Stevie unfairly in their first week on campus and she wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to forgive herself for it.

Eddie was in love.

It was the second time. The second after the first. Her older lover that she didn’t talk about. Not because the experience was so horribly damaging that Eddie was traumatized. No. It was mostly because Eddie had embarrassed herself a lot back then. She’d really shown her true colors and true age. Maybe she would have even avoided Stevie after all this, if Eddie wasn’t so stupidly attached to her. If she couldn’t love Stevie, she could be her friend.

That had to be enough, right?

—

Stevie kissed like she knew she would never have to come up for air. She kissed like she could suck Eddie’s soul through her mouth and swallow it whole. She pinned Eddie against the wall and bit at her lips until they started to hurt, all her frustration bleeding into the movement as she let out an unhinged sob.

All of this, Eddie didn’t deserve any of it.

But she loved Stevie so much.

It was crazy to think that they barely knew each other. Even crazier to think that they’d been dropped into each other’s lives at random.

Eddie was immersed in Stevie, replaying every single kiss and hug and cuddle like she could somehow store in her brain and make a mental vhs out of it. A dvd. A video. Whatever, pick your decade.

‘She belongs in the 80s’

Eddie scribbled the line down and frowned as her pen bled red into the thin paper of her notebook. She was stuck with it now, even if she should have chosen something a little thicker. Oh well, Eddie was thin skinned anyway. It seemed fitting enough.

She resisted the urge to cross the line out and instead plucked at the strings on her guitar.

She was outside for once, sat in short grass with Becca nearby. She claimed that she liked listening to Eddie play her guitar but Eddie was pretty sure she just liked to sit around and critique as she saw fit. It was deeply annoying.

Deeply deserved.

“What are you even working on?”

A grating question, one that Eddie had already answer a few times in the last week.

“I have a midterm for one of my classes,” Eddie lied. She did. It just didn’t involve lyricism. But this part was easier for Eddie, shaping her music around the lyrics. Even if she wasn’t about to sing them to anyone but herself. “Gotta finish it by Friday.”

Becca hummed, probably lost for what to pick on.

Eddie wondered what it was that made her flock to rude people. Stevie wasn’t rude. There was that.

“What is-“

Before Eddie could stop her, Becca had reached out and snatched her book from her. Her eyes widened as she scanned the words, lips curling as she no doubt got to the part that involved too many descriptions of golden locks of hair, crossed out again and again.

“Hey, give that back-“

Eddie lunged for the book but Becca was already on her feet.

And then she started reading parts of Eddie’s lyrics, a divisive curl to her lip as her voice carried over Eddie.

“-like a sunlight- Jesus, you write like a teenage boy.”

Eddie sprung up from her seated position, finally grabbing the book back with flaming cheeks. Anyone else would have laughed. Chrissy would have teased her. Becca wasn’t like Chrissy. Becca was cruel.

“Do you think she’d like any of that?” Becca asked, crossing her arms as her fast went impassive. “You already fumbled her. I don’t think writing love songs will make her want to fuck you again. You’d have to be better in bed for that.”

Fuck off, Becca. Arguing that was she very good in bed would have felt even more immature.

“Don’t talk about her like that,” Eddie mumbled instead, her book tucked protectively back under her arm. “You don’t even know her.”

“I know you’re mooning over her for no reason.”

It was true and Eddie knew it. Maybe that was why she kept Becca around. To tell her the truth.

—

Becca’s worst trait had to be that she liked getting drunk. It was ironic, considering Becca wasn’t the easiest to be around even sober.

She became….different when drunk.

“Tell me about her,” Becca slurred, trying her best to climb into Eddie’s lap. Eddie was only mildly tipsy, intent on not staying the night this time. She had to stop doing that. Sleeping in Becca’s bed never felt good. But maybe that was just Eddie getting a taste of her own medicine. “You never talk about her.”

Elaine.

Eddie didn’t want to talk about her exes with Becca. That was maybe the last thing she wanted to do.

“You’re so boring. You said she broke your heart, I remember that. You can pretend like you didn’t tell me but I remember-“

“Is it really that important to you?” Eddie asked, sliding a hand up Becca’s thigh as a distraction. “Do you need to know everything about me?”

“I do need to know,” Becca managed to weasel her way into Eddie’s lap in a few seconds, surprisingly agile for a drunk person. “Maybe I just want to know why you are the way that you are.”

God. This again.

“What way am I?”

Eddie get a dull ache in her ribs. Becca should just stab her for real and get it over with.

“Broken,” Becca breathed, hovering close to Eddie. Not for the first time, Eddie wondered if Becca had a very specific, non consensual kink. “All fucked up. Sometimes you cry when you’re drunk. What’s that about?”

Maybe Eddie was drunker than she realized.

She thought about tipping Becca over and letting her fall to the floor. Eddie wasn’t a violent person though.

“I guess I can’t handle my alcohol.”

“You never can,” Becca smiled happily, the hint of cruelty lurking beneath the smooth lines of her face. “You give the best head when you’re sad.”

Eddie really kind of hated her.

Was that going to stop her from sleeping with Becca again? Probably not. That was kind of the point, wasn’t it?

—

Present time

—

Eddie wanted to kiss Stevie forever.

She did.

But she knew she shouldn’t.

Eddie pushed gentle hands against Stevie’s chest until their lips disconnected. It took a few seconds for both of their brains to catch up, to realize that maybe now was the best moment to stop.

“W-what is-?”

Stevie was stuttering.

Fair.

Eddie hadn’t meant to kiss her like that.

“We should-“

Stevie seemed to understand within mere seconds, her chest heaving up and down as she pulled back.

“We should stop,” She said with a heavy sigh. But she didn’t look sad. One hand trailed down Eddie’s chest, settling lightly against her collarbone. “But that doesn’t mean- that- can we-“

“Iwanttobewithyou.”

Good, Eddie. Nice and clean and relaxed and fucking normal. Really good. Well practiced.

“Okay,” Stevie nodded, her gaze unhelpfully drifting back to Eddie’s mouth. She was so close, so- all Eddie had to do was lean back in. More kisses, more time. All she ever wanted to do was touch Stevie. “Yeah- I, of course. I want that too but-“

But. Oh god. Eddie knew that was coming.

Stevie rushed to clarify, a note of panic to her voice.

“I’m not saying no! Absolutely not! I want you, like- I want to be your girlfriend-“ Eddie was going to melt into a puddle on the suspicious dorm floor. Girlfriend. Oh god, Stevie as her girlfriend. “But I think- it’s a little quick, maybe. Is it? I don’t know how this- how does this work? We haven’t even talked about it and we’re already-“

Jumping each other’s bones.

She wasn’t wrong.

Stevie reached out to touch Eddie’s face and winced in pain. Because, yeah. Holy fuck. Stevie had punched a guy for Eddie. No one had ever defended Eddie like that. In the worst way possible. Eddie had spent years fighting her own fights, getting her fists bloody for idiots in bars and clubs and- Stevie did it. Because of Eddie. Because Becca was so heinous and her brother was a prick too. No need to tell Stevie that Eddie knew about Becca’s brother, what with all the times Becca had used him and his friends as a threat.

“Hey, let’s- let me look at your hand and then we can talk, okay?”

All Eddie wanted now was to take care of Stevie. Because she had been brave enough to take care of Eddie in the first place.

—

Eddie looked over Stevie’s hand, already cleaned and dried. She had only managed to crack one knuckle but it did look lightly swollen, a bruise already forming beneath the skin. She wasn’t wearing rings, thank god. This was kind of all Eddie’s fault, wasn’t it?

“Stop looking at it like that,” Stevie laughed softly as if she could read Eddie’s mind. “I wanted to punch him. I didn’t have to and- well, actually. I wanted to punch Becca but-“

Eddie would have loved that, secretly. But she wasn’t about to admit it. No, she at least wanted Stevie to think she was a halfway decent person.

They sat on Eddie’s bed across from each other as Eddie wrapped a bandage around Stevie’s hand to help with the swelling. She already said she didn’t want to go to urgent care or anything. Plus, Eddie figured it didnt look too bad. Maybe the idiots face hadn’t been all that hard.

“But I didn’t want to upset you.”

Huh?

Eddie looked up, searching Stevie’s face for any clue as to what that meant. What?

“Why would I be upset?”

Stevie waited a few seconds to answer.

“I don’t know how much you care about her,” Stevie answered, voice pitched low as she looked away. “So, I didn’t want to upset you by hurting her.”

Oh.

“I don’t care about her at all.”

It was true. It was the truest thing Eddie had said in a long time. She finished securing the bandage in place but she didn’t want to let go Stevie’s hand yet.

“Then- then why did you stay with her? I know it wasn’t that long but- but I guess I just never understood.”

Eddie wasn’t upset that Stevie would ask such a question. She was more upset with herself for even involving herself with Becca in the first place.

“I wanted to punish myself,” Eddie admitted, pushing the words out before she could swallow them like glass. “I had heard about her around campus, through friends. I was warned about her because she kind of causes a lot of drama-“ Understatement of the century. “And I hate being lonely. So. I went after her, despite being warned. Because I don’t know, sometimes I don’t think I deserve to be happy. Sometimes I think I cause myself enough problems that maybe I should just sequester myself to a life of- of discomfort. It’s dumb, I know. Already talked to my therapist about it plenty.”

Stevie gave Eddie the smallest smile.

It didn’t look like pity.

“Look at me,” Stevie said, her voice steadier than Eddie felt. She hated talking about this stuff. “You’re not perfect and that’s okay. I don’t think you need to punish yourself for being human.”

Eddie chewed on her words and tried to absorb them, tried to make them feel real.

“Yeah? Because sometimes I feel like Becca and I are the same type of person. We’re both so sick and- and we use people and everyone will see you with me and they’ll think- they’ll assume that I’m using you-“

“You’re really not,” Stevie snorted and reached out with her good hand, her nails tapping at Eddie’s jaw. She held her in place, her big brown eyes wide. “Eddie, I don’t care. I’m telling you I literally do not care and I don’t- you apologized. Several times. You have to stop beating yourself up over it. Dating Becca was just you beating yourself up over it. No more.”

No more?

“I mean it,” Stevie frowned, all put upon like Eddie was being unreasonable. “You wouldn’t let me act like this, so I’m not letting you. Understood?”

Eddie waited a beat.

“Kind of turning me on here,” Eddie joked mildly, wanting badly to kiss Stevie again. At least to make sure all of this was actually happening. Even her dreams weren’t this kind. “Okay, I won’t. I’ll- I’ll do better. Try harder. Go to therapy, be worthy of you, do whatever it is that-“

Stevie silenced Eddie with another kiss.

Chapter Text

“If you look at model B, you’ll find that-“

Stevie was off in the clouds, tempted to look at her phone again but she had just looked at it five minutes ago and she knew that if she checked it under the table, Robin might just-

“Stevie!” Robin hissed across the table, her eyes already narrowed once Stevie looked up, her expression one of careful innocence. “Seriously? Right now? It’s been like….a week. Are you gonna stay this horny? Is this- I don’t think I have ever been this horny in my life. Are you okay? Do you need to go to urgent care?”

Stevie rolled her eyes, trying to hide the ever growing blush on her cheeks.

“Yeah right,” Stevie threw back at her. “You and Chrissy are the horniest people I’ve ever met and you’re so not subtle about it. I know you guys were up to something in the uber last weekend-“

That got Robin to shut up real fast.

“Nothing happened! And that’s rich coming from the worlds biggest exhibitionist-“

“Don’t remind me,” Stevie groaned, thinking about the thing she wasn’t supposed to be thinking about was once again definitely thinking about. “This abstinence thing is driving me crazy.”

Robin snorted and coughed into her fist.

“Right, because you could call it that-“ They could. Stevie was. Piss off, Robin. “When you still keep trying to send thirst traps to your girlfriend.”

Girlfriend.

Stevie felt her heart give a sickening pound, her head instantly going a little bit dizzy because oh yeah. Girlfriend. Eddie was her girlfriend. Stevie had a fucking girlfriend. An insanely hot one.

“I don’t send her anything bad,” Stevie lied. She hadn’t, not really. Eddie had threatened to block Stevie’s number three days ago when she sent a photo of her shopping with Chrissy. It wasn’t even- it was a dressing room photo of her in a skirt. A mini skirt. Hardly that revealing and nothing Stevie hadn’t worn before. But they were trying to be good as finals approached. And Eddie was going to therapy and they were behaving and all Stevie wanted to do was claw the stupid clothes off her girlfriends back. “I’m actually so innocent that I-“

“Exhausting,” Robin giggled, kicking Stevie’s feet out of the way as she came to lay on the bed next to her. “You and both know that you’re brainstorming ways to make Eddie break her fast.”

Stevie wrinkled her nose.

“Don’t call it that. It’s not-“

“What? It isn’t? She’s abstaining from pussy-“

“Oh my god.” Stevie buried her burning face in her book, completely giving up on studying with Robin. Done for. She was absolutely done for. “Don’t say- don’t make it sound like that. I am at my wits end here. I looked at a painting yesterday of some naked faeries and I’m still recovering.”

“Not sure how you ever thought you were straight.”

Yeah, Stevie wasn’t sure either.

—

Some days Eddie came back from therapy with a weight on her shoulders that was hard to get rid of. Stevie could tell immediately, as soon as Eddie walked into their dorm room and dropped her book bag.

Used to, she would crawl into her own bed and sleep. Now, she crawls onto Stevie instead. Buried her face in Stevie’s neck and allowed herself to be held and hugged until one or both of them fell asleep. They didn’t usually talk about what had Eddie so sunken down but it helped. Stevie could tell that it helped. Eddie would wake up refreshed, eyes tinted red like maybe she had cried at some point in the night.

“Feel better?” Stevie would ask, not nearly as worried as she had been a month ago.

“So much better.”

And that was great.

The problem was that Stevie….knew she shouldn’t be hanging onto the concept of Becca. She had qualms now about her relationship with Eddie. They’d exhausted the topic and come to the conclusion that they were together. Meant to be together, really.

Becca wasn’t even in the equation.

But Stevie didn’t like her. In fact, Stevie fucking hated her. And she couldn’t just let things lie, not when Becca was surely wreaking havoc all over campus. Stevie was sick of the back and forth with people like her. She believed that her standing in society (Stevie had finally looked into her familial background) granted her the right to act however she pleased and mistreat whomever she wanted to torture.

Stevie wasn’t okay with her roaming free.

But what could she do?

A lot, actually.

Stevie didn’t often do the whole ‘my daddy is richer and more influential than yours’ thing but she figured it might be okay this go around. Becca’s brother hadn’t peeped a squeak about Stevie hitting him. She wasn’t shocked. There was no way a frat guy wanted to admit that a girl had broken his nose.

It didn’t feel like enough. Steve doubted that Becca had ever suffered real world consequences for her actions. She was probably used to her brother fighting her battles for her.

Stevie figured her father might be kind of iffy about it but he wasn’t at all. As soon as Stevie recalled the story, all of the shit Becca had done to Eddie, a meeting with the dean had been settled. Easy. Becca was to be expelled for harassment of another student within the week.

But that wasn’t all.

Stevie sat in their dorm room, a piece of paper and envelope laying next to her on the bed as she tried her very best to not chew on her nails. She was nervous. Too nervous for her own good.

She waited for Eddie to get back, unsure that she was- maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do. Maybe she was going about it all wrong.

She wouldn’t tell Eddie today if it was a bad therapy day.

But Eddie came into the room chipper, her smile sunny as she sat her bag down and locked the door behind her.

She took in Stevie’s sitting position and serious face and her smile dimmed.

“Is everything okay?” Eddie asked slowly, her voice not as strong as it might usually be. Stevie didn’t mean to make her so nervous. Just….she was nervous too. Nervous that she might upset Eddie or that maybe she had overstepped this time.

“Yeah,” Stevie rushed to assure Eddie as she came closer, her eyes darting to the turned down piece of paper. “Just…um…I have something- I did something and I’m worried I may have-“

Stevie took a deep breath but Eddie looked slightly calmer.

“I did something and I may have overstepped but- here.”

It was easier to just show Eddie.

She picked the paper up and handed it over.

Eddie’s brow furrowed as she read, slowly rising with each word. Stevie couldn’t yet tell how she felt, whether or not she was angry.

“It’s not final, obviously. Um, but. I used my dads attorney for it and- and it’s kind of-“

“I thought you needed evidence for a restraining order,” Eddie didn’t sound mad at all, just mystified. Confused, more than anything. “I thought- but I would need to talk to someone, right? If I- I haven’t reported anything or-“

It was a sickening part of the system.

Stevie didn’t feel even an ounce of guilt for using it like this. She should have, she knew that but-

“My dad has…ties. He’s- look, I know it looks really bad and I know that it goes against everything about you.” Stevie gripped her bedsheets so hard she thought she might rip them. “But I can’t just- she deserves this. She shouldn’t be able to ever get near you again, okay? And you don’t have to talk to anyone, you don’t have to- unless you want to, I can arrange that. But I used my dad, I talked to him. He’s connected and he’s rich and- I know it’s not- If you think I went too far, all you have to do is tell me. She’s expelled from this school, so she can’t hurt anybody else and- and I can make sure she never tries to hurt you ever again.”

Eddie looked like she might cry.

Oh.

“Are you mad?” Stevie asked, the wind knocked from her lungs in an instant.

Eddie was trembling.

“Am I-?” Eddie walked forward and dropped the piece of paper back on the bed. “Of course I’m not-“

She fell to the floor, right onto her knees. Right in front of Stevie and- and hugged her, wrapping her arms tight around Stevie’s waist and pulling her forward.

Stevie was frozen in a mixture of shock and awe.

“No one has ever wanted to- no one-“ Eddie couldn’t talk much, her voice warbled with emotion. So….so Stevie hadn’t done anything wrong? She knew the whole thing wasn’t great but she was finding it hard to truly care. Not if Eddie felt like this. Not if she was holding Stevie and- “Thank you. Seriously, truly. Thank you.”

Not if Eddie was thanking her for doing it.

Stevie just wanted Eddie to feel safe. Safe and-

“I love you,” Stevie murmured, burying her face against the top of Eddie’s hair so that she might hide there and not come out. She didn’t want to, she didn’t need to face what she had admitted. Finally. Not just in her head or to anyone else but to Eddie. “Like…actually. Not- not as a- I’m in love with you, that’s what I meant.”

Because she had already heard Eddie admit it.

Eddie had said so before, Stevie overheard her.

Hearing it now only made it more real.

Eddie pulled back, her eyes still wet but her smile shining and big. Stevie was stunned by her, just like always.

How had she ever had any doubts where Eddie was concerned?

“I love you too,” Eddie said, a lilt to her voice. It was much sweeter and intimate than she usually allowed herself to be to….well, anyone. Stevie got a side of Eddie that no one else got. “Oh my god. First you punch a guy for me and then you banish the wicked witch of the west? Are you magic?”

No, just filthy rich.

Stevie leaned down and kissed Eddie on the forehead, her heart so full it felt as if it might burst.

—

Stevie didn’t expect to see Nancy today.

She was taking a brisk walk out of the art building, having just retrieved her final glazed project. It looked gorgeous, the raku kiln had really been worth it. Their student aid had been the one to fire their unique pieces. He looked exhausted by the time he was done with the week. She could see why. All the rapid refiring and having to watch over each piece. It was worth it. Her vase was crackled and beautiful, an almost metallic quality to it.

Stevie was even more excited for next year. She might take design or a painting class, maybe. Something new to try. Today, she felt amazing.

Last night had been good, if not frustrating. She had spent the evening in their dorm making out with Eddie. They had to stop doing that if they wanted to make it to the end of the semester without-

Without what, exactly?

Jumping each others bones?

She thought they were doing good. Robin wasn’t wrong, Stevie was kind of making it impossible. But so was Eddie! She was a demon sometimes, despite her sweet nature. She knew exactly what to say to get Stevie frustrated.

Which led to Stevie using her toy last night.

She wasn’t exactly silent about it. Now Eddie was ignoring her. Or…well, she had sent Stevie a middle finger emoji earlier today. Stevie had grinned like a maniac, her expression bordering on painful. A classmate had even asked if she was okay.

Being able to joke with Eddie, being able to tease her….

Stevie never thought they’d get back there.

Stevie was almost to the doors when she felt a hand shoot out and touch her shoulder.

“I am so sorry!” Nancy apologized once Stevie nearly jumped out of her skin, whirling on the other girl with widened eyes. “I was trying to catch up with you but you have really long legs. You’re so fast.”

Why did that feel like a compliment?

Nancy was even a little out of breath.

“Oh, hi,” Stevie squeaked, realigning the bag over her shoulder and crossing her arms. She hadn’t seen Nancy since….yeah, it hadn’t been a great time in Stevie’s life. “Uh…”

“Right.” Nancy shook her head and smiled. “I just wanted to say that…uh, you know Eddie and I were never- because I haven’t talked to her in like, in a bit and I’m worried she might be mad at me-“ Stevie was pretty sure Eddie wasn’t. “But I wanted to clear the air and- look, I was clearly very wrong about Becca and I apologize for- for making things more complicated than they needed to-“

“It’s okay,” Stevie said, finding her words to be true. It really was okay. Nancy had mentioned a guy named Jon, so. She kind of figured Eddie and Nancy weren’t a thing. And Stevie believed Eddie anyway. She had no reason to lie anymore. “It’s perfectly fine, I promise. How do you feel about double dates?”

Nancy’s answering grin was enough answer.

—

Stevie had a pep in her step.

She had a date to make it to. Not really. Sort of.

She needed to get to the library to study with Eddie. She was sure that would go over well, considering their current predicament. With the passing days, it was in fact not becoming easier to remain celibate and good. It was very hard, actually. Stevie was so used to staring at Eddie that it felt like second nature at this point. She probably looked like a creep anytime they were in the same room.

Stevie made her way into the library, already searching through the upstairs for…

Eddie. Yeah. This was going to be difficult.

It didn’t help that Eddie was dressed….like that.

Stevie wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or not but Eddie was wearing the flimsiest tank top Stevie had ever seen her wear. In the library, a cardigan hanging on top. Open, no bra. Stevie wanted to lick her. She looked so at ease, like her nipples weren’t out there for the world to see.

Stevie shuffled toward the table Eddie sat at, pouring over notes for her literature class. Stevie wasn’t sure if she would be more of a help or a hindrance today.

“Hey,” Stevie whispered, sliding into the chair next to Eddie and dropping her bag. They were sat pretty far back, they probably didn’t need to be all that quiet. Eddie looked up, her grin quickly sliding into an accusatory glare. “What? What did I do?”

Stevie knew exactly what she had done.

“Really? You really think I couldn’t hear you?”

Stevie feigned innocence, trying her best to hide the smile slowly creeping onto her lips.

“Not sure I know what you mean,” Stevie said, pulling out a notebook and tapping her pen against one of the pages as a distraction. Study. They were supposed to study. “Hear me?”

Eddie gave her a long sideways glance.

“Oh, Eddie,” She imitated, just a little too loud. “You feeling so fucking good, Eddie. You feel so good in my-“

Stevie smacked Eddie on the arm, sending her into a wave of laughter. It was hushed, thank god. Stevie so didn’t need anyone hearing them like this.

Especially when she-

Well, Stevie wasn’t going to be able to behave today.

“Nice nipples,” She joked back, gaze drifting to Eddie’s chest. The joke was worth the scandalized look she got in return. “Are we here to study or not?”

Definitely not.

But Eddie cleaned up her act for at least a few minutes, turning a page in her textbook and reading through a diagram. Stevie was pretty sure she was faking it.

Stevie waited for the five minute mark before she reached over and calmly rested a hand on Eddie’s thigh. She knew she wasn’t supposed to but she did it anyway.

Right there, under the table.

Eddie froze, her body going unnaturally still.

Oh yeah, she definitely didn’t trust Stevie for a second. She definitely shouldn’t.

Stevie cleared her throat and shuffled closer under the guise of reading over a passage in Eddie’s book. She could not care less about a textbook at this very moment but it was important to keep up appearances. Just in case. They were just two young college students using the library for its intended purpose. Stevie squeezed Eddie’s thigh and noted the bob of her throat as she swallowed. Hm.

“It’s pretty secluded back here, isn’t it?” Stevie whispered, leaning ever closer. Eddie shivered. Visibly. “Would be a shame to not-“ Her hand slid higher and higher up Eddie’s worn sweats. “Take advantage of that.”

Stevie had newfound bravery these days. And a metaphorical boner the size of Mount Rushmore, that too.

“What are you doing?” Eddie asked, her voice throaty as she turned just a little, unknowingly making it easier for Stevie to move her hand even higher. Or maybe she knew. Maybe she knew exactly what Stevie was up to. She was staring at Stevie’s mouth, her eyes hooded, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

“What? Tell me to stop if-“ Stevie listened to Eddie’s breath hitch, her thighs spreading subtly. Okay then. “If you don’t want me to-“

“Fuck off,” Eddie whined, her hand gripping the textbook like she might tip over. The angle wasn’t great but Stevie didn’t really care. She wanted to touch Eddie, wanted to see if she was-

“Are you wet?” Stevie whispered, lips brushing against Eddie’s ear. Anyone could walk up to them and they’d probably know exactly what they were doing. “I bet you are.”

“You’re evil- what am I supposed to-“

“Slump down a little,” Stevie instructed, her pulse throbbing between her legs as Eddie shuffled down, legs spreading wider. Stevie turned then, her opposite hand taking her other hands place. Now it was even more obvious. She didn’t care. No one came back here, there were no cameras in this area anyway. She pushed past the resistance of Eddie’s sweatpants and down to where she could feel the rough patch of hair beneath. “Really? Nothing?”

Eddie would walk around in just her sweats.

“Shut up,” Eddie hissed, white knuckling her desk as Stevie’s fingers met wet. Eddie bit her lip harder to hide the noise that threatened to slip out. “Just-“

Eddie reached down and took hold of Stevie’s wrist, pressing the whole of her palm to Eddie’s cunt. She moved her hips to meet it, pinning Stevie there as she rubbed against it.

To say that Stevie was floored would be an understatement.

She wanted to eat Eddie alive.

She kissed below Eddie’s ear and darted a quick glance around before her fingers curved up and-

“Ah,” Eddie keened, head bowing like she was trying to hide how red her face was. Beautiful. Stevie told her so too. “Stevie, fuck.”

Stevie pressed one finger inside, still amazed by how hot Eddie was. How slick and wet and fucking unbearably hot. All Stevie wanted was to-

“Let me taste you,” Stevie breathed, voice taking on a desperate edge unlike any other. She needed this and she needed it now. “Please? I’ve never eaten pussy before. I promise I’ll be so good at it, you can do whatever you want to me, you can fuck my face, you can-“

Eddie clenched her thighs around Stevie’s hand, her nails digging hard into the flesh of Stevie’s wrist.

“Oh my god, okay.”

Okay? Fuck yes.

“Study room?” Stevie asked, already pulling her hand away from a whimpering Eddie. Stevie was up and ready, chair pushed back and on her feet before Eddie could even- “Right, like. Meet me there in- in ten seconds. Twenty. Oh my god, I don’t know.”

Stevie was quick on her feet before Eddie was even out of her chair.

She rushed past her and checked one of the unassigned study rooms, glancing around the area to make sure no one was passing by.

She was barely in the doorway before Eddie pushed against her back and forced her into the room, the door shutting behind them with a loud click.

Stevie winced at the noise but Eddie had already locked the door, her hands shaking as she stood there with her back to it, eyes wider than ever. Stevie had never seen her so shaken up.

“Get on the table.”

Stevie’s throat was dry and she had little to no control over her voice but it seemed to do the trick.

Eddie moved fast, hands trembling even harder as she pushed the waistband of her sweats down and Stevie met her halfway, helping to wrangle the pants down and around one ankle, hanging as Eddie sat on the edge of the table and Stevie dropped to her knees on the floor.

She didn’t try to tease Eddie. Not even for a second.

Stevie used both hands to spread Eddie’s thighs and kissed her cunt, hair and all.

Stevie truly did not care.

Eddie tasted almost like her. Almost. Maybe just a little more sour. Maybe just-

Stevie licked over her opening, taking in the taste and the way Eddie shuddered like a trembling leaf. She moaned quietly, restrained as her hands met Stevie’s hair.

Stevie used the flat of her tongue to lick over Eddie’s pussy, dragging up to her clit. She didn’t really know how to do this, she only knew how to mimic what Eddie had done to her in the past. But oh, she liked it. She liked it a lot. She liked how Eddie’s hair rubbed her nose raw as she opened her jaw and shuffled closer. More, she wanted to be immersed, she wanted-

“Holy fuck,” Eddie cursed, voice pitching high as she tried to keep still. She didn’t need to, that was the thing. She could do whatever she wanted. Did she not know that already? “You feel- your mouth feels so good.”

Eddie was always so chatty.

Stevie sucked on her clit, focused on all those noises Eddie let out when she got the angle right. When she got the suction just right, her tongue flicking against it right after. Eddie was beginning to squirm, beginning to-

Stevie pulled away, face wet as she peered up at Eddie.

“C’mon, just- use me.”

Eddie groaned louder at that, the noise unhinged as she pushed Stevie back between her legs. Stevie held onto the table below Eddie and let her- fuck, let Eddie grind her hips down against Stevie’s mouth, opening and waiting for whatever Eddie wanted to do to her. Stevie’s chin was wet, her lips rubbed raw already. But she didn’t want to stop. She wanted to- to let Eddie have this, let Eddie use her face to get off. All she could smell was Eddie, all she could taste was-

“God, you’re so good, you’re so good. Fucking look at you- fucking, oh my god. I’ve never, you feel so good-“ Eddie was more incoherent than Stevie had ever heard her. Her thighs were shaking as she rubbed her cunt against Stevie’s tongue and lips. Stevie didn’t even know if it felt good. Actually, she did. She knew because Eddie was growing progressively louder, having to bite down against her fist in order to keep quiet.

She wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

Steve renewed her efforts, her tongue pushing into Eddie and tasting her from the inside. She couldn’t do much, just a lazy thrust in and out. But just the action alone seemed to be doing something for Eddie. She pulled harder on Stevie’s hair, fingers straining like she couldn’t stop herself from being a little rough. Stevie didn’t mind. In fact, she was dripping with the knowledge that she could make Eddie this feral. That she could cause Eddie to slip up and lose some of her calm for once.

Eddie’s thighs clenched around her head, shaking nearly violently as she came. Stevie had never felt anything like this. This insane urge to keep going, to make her cum again and again. She understood now. She loved this, she would probably never love anything more.

—

Stevie was categorically obsessed.

It was actually kind of a problem, really.

She couldn’t stop going down on Eddie. Or attempting to, actually. She kept trying to make it happen and Eddie was mostly just going along with it, Stevie figured. Stevie wanted to do it every day but she knew that wasn’t possible.

“You’re getting rug burn on your face,” Eddie pointed out, watching as Stevie dropped her book ab and climbed onto their now shared bed. She didn’t care, not at all. Stevie pushed Eddie’s thighs apart and kissed down her stomach. “There is no way you like giving head this much.”

Ha. Eddie really thought she knew.

“I love it so much,” Stevie breathed, biting at the edge of one hipbone. “Take however much you love eating pussy and add like, one hundred. Or something.”

“That’s not fair,” Eddie said. But she was already out of breath, already giving in as Stevie tugged at the waistband of her pajamas. “You always start doing it before I can even-“

Eddie broke off with a mixture of a sigh and moan.

That was new too.

Anytime Stevie got her mouth on Eddie’s cunt, she just…melted. Like it was natural, like this was normal now. Like-

“You just belong down there, don’t you?”

Stevie groaned softly, shuffling onto her stomach as she sucked a hickey into Eddie’s thigh. She couldn’t resist much longer. She liked to lay there with her mouth on Eddie’s cunt, licking lazily while Eddie pet her hair. She was aware that it was kind of strange but-

“Pretty girl,” Eddie murmured, fingers already twisting leisurely into Stevie’s windswept hair. “You just need it bad, don’t you? Bet you’d even eat me out on my period.”

Oh.

Stevie moaned louder as Eddie pressed her head down. She could stay like this for a while, coming up later with hot skin and labored breathing. She’d done it plenty recently.

She would, she would, she would.

She would do anything Eddie asked her to do. Told her to do.

Stevie whined, just the shadow of a needy little noise.

She wondered how many times she could make Eddie cum before her girlfriend got tired of being eaten out. God, she’d only been able to do it three times so far. Maybe more, she could definitely do more.

“Baby,” Eddie sighed, legs falling open despite her protests. Stevie loved when she got like this, when she was so relaxed she didn’t even clench her thighs anymore. Sure, feeling Eddie’s thighs around her ears was hot but there was something about Eddie giving in and accepting that Stevie would be down there for a while that really got her going. “Baby, I wanna make you feel good too.”

But she was making Stevie feel good.

God, Stevie felt so fucking good like this.

“I can use my strap on you.”

Oh.

Stevie pulled away, lips slick with spit and Eddie.

Had she heard that right? That final, lingering step that wasn’t final at all? It wasn’t the end all be all and Stevie knew that. They were two women, she knew that. They could do endless amounts of things together. They could do whatever the fuck they wanted, actually.

And she had wanted nothing more than for Eddie to fuck her for ages now. She had just been too scared, too tentative and nervous, to mention it.

Stevie was overwhelmed with the very thought.

“Yeah? You would- we could do that? Now?”

Eddie breathed deep, her chest rising and falling, her shirt pushed up to reveal her navel and the hair trailing down.

She was so beautiful like this.

“Absolutely,” Eddie sighed, petting Stevie’s messy hair as she rested her forehead against one sharp hipbone. Eddie let her stay there for a moment, perhaps sensing just how Stevie felt. “We can do whatever you want.”

See?

Stevie was so in love.

“Yeah, I would like that. I- but uh- what- how do you want me?”

“Um-“ Eddie’s face went bright red, as if she hadn’t thought of the actual reality of what they were going to do. Maybe she had fantasized about it for so long that she, just like Stevie, could not fathom actually doing it. Stevie wanted nothing more. “Yeah, I guess. Well. What would feel good for you?”

Stevie could smell blood in the water.

She slid up Eddie’s body until she could hover over her, so close yet so far from her mouth.

“I want to do what you want,” Stevie murmured, pressing her chest to Eddie’s. “I know you’ve been thinking about it, thinking about fucking me. Come on, I know you have some ideas.”

She was going to get it out of Eddie one way or another.

Eddie gulped, her pupils wide.

“Bent over,” Eddie said, swallowing roughly, eyes trailing to Stevie’s mouth. “Face down.”

Uh.

Stevie pressed her thigh against Eddie’s cunt, unable to help herself now. She wanted to make Eddie squirm.

“Yeah? Why do you want me like that?” Stevie asked, taking in the stutter to Eddie’s breath and the way her mouth fell open. “Face down, ass up? Is that what you’ve been dreaming about? Fucking me from behind?”

Stevie had never seen Eddie look visibly dizzy.

“Yeah, I guess- I just- I-“

“You’re filthy,” Stevie said as she pushed her hips forward, grinding her thigh against where Eddie was wet and spread apart. “How often do you think about it?”

Stevie was going a little mindless with power, she could admit that.

“Does it-“ Does it matter? Yes, it did matter. “All the fucking time. I can’t concentrate on anything, can’t pay attention in class. All I think about is you and all the things I want to do to you.”

Stevie let out the ghost of a moan, her lungs constricting.

“Okay,” She replied, nodding her head as she finally let Eddie up. She was decided. She wanted this. Right now. “Okay, I want to- let’s- how do I-?”

Her confidence had all up but dried up in less than ten seconds. But that was okay, because Eddie was there to help her through it.

She kissed Stevie with as much strength as she possessed, her lips chapped but soft. Stevie leaned in the action, startled when Eddie began pushing at the edges of her clothes. Get them off, that was the silent demand as Eddie bit at her tongue.

Stevie undressed just like that, between kisses and nips, her clothes falling to the dorm floor.

Eddie followed soon after, only having to rid herself of her shirt.

“Lay down,” Eddie instructed, nudging Stevie until she lay on her back, legs spread. Eddie looked momentarily distracted, jaw open in awe as Stevie reached down to touch herself. “Right, fuck- right.”

Stevie loved that she could be such a distraction for Eddie.

Eddie turned then, looking a lot like she didn’t want to, and rummaged through her chest of drawers with shaking hands. She found what she needed and turned.

Stevie had seen enough online to not be surprised. Her strap was run of the mill, a simple harness with an o-ring.

Eddie held up a toy that looked like it would stretch Stevie out, a thought that she had yet to have. Would that feel good? Would she like it? It was a little girthier than the toy Stevie had bought. Stevie wanted to see, wanted to know.

Wanted to get fucked.

Eddie stumbled a little getting into it and it only made Stevie want her more. It was charming. This girl was so dorky, so fucking cute….and she was about to fuck Stevie’s brains out. God, Stevie loved women.

“Roll over,” Eddie said, sounding breathless again as she finally made her way over. The image wasn’t amusing and definitely not funny. Eddie had her hand wrapped around the fake cock and- yeah, Stevie liked that. She would totally watch Eddie jerk off a toy any day, dear god.

Stevie didn’t roll over. Not yet.

She sat up on the bed and slid to the very edge.

“Wait.”

Eddie stopped in front of her, her brain clearly on standby. Maybe it was all the visible skin. It’d been a long time since she’d seen Stevie naked.

“What are you-?”

Stevie reached out and touched the toy, her hand batting Eddie’s out of the way. Stevie wrapped her palm around the weight of it, the girth of it.

And then she leaned in and licked it.

“Unh.” Eddie sounded kind of sweetly pathetic, morning at something she couldn’t even feel. She looked weak in the knees as Stevie wrapped her lips around the toy and sucked on it, mouth bobbing up and down slowly. She looked up at Eddie, eyes trained on her. Wide and innocent enough that Eddie looked like she might pass out. “Oh my god, this is happening.”

Stevie laughed with about two inches of fake coco in her mouth.

She spluttered coming off of it, grinning up at Eddie as she did so.

Eddie flipped a switch in seconds, hands reaching out to not so kindly push Stevie back onto the bed.

Stevie bounced onto the mattress with a soft giggle, not quite ready for Eddie to grip her by the hip and guide her into-

Oh, into rolling over. Into doing exactly what Eddie had wanted. She rested on her hands and knees, her ass just at the end of the bed. Where Eddie stood. The height of the bed was good enough that Eddie didn’t have to stoop much.

Stevie took the initiative, lowering her upper half and spreading her thighs apart. It sent her back into a deep curved, her chest pressing against the bed.

“Holy shit.”

Stevie bit back a grin as Eddie reached out and grabbed her ass. It was amazing how much she could stun Eddie, especially since it wasn’t Eddie’s first time doing this with a girl.

But Stevie wasn’t thinking about that right now.

She had other things on her mind. Like-

“Spank me,” She breathed, aware that maybe this wasn’t the best time. She didn’t really care. She was horny and out of it and it seemed like a good idea. They could discuss it later.

“Okay, oh my god-“ Eddie squeaked, her hand slapping Stevie on the left side of her ass. And oh, oh. Stevie groaned sweetly, her back arching even more. She liked that. The sting, the surprise. She liked it a lot. She was already wet but that definitely made it worse.

Eddie couldn’t seem to wait any longer.

Stevie felt the cold touch of the toy first against her clit. Eddie rubbed the head over it, tiny little circles with her fist as Stevie tried not to moan too loud. They had locked the door, right? Because it would be pretty embarrassing for someone to walk into this scene right now.

Stevie wouldn’t even care.

Eddie rubbed over her clit like an expert. And she was, sort of. At least Stevie knew she was in good hands. Great hands, oh god.

“That feels- oh, that’s so good,” Stevie moaned, hips twitching with the movement like she might get more out of it. Eddie didn’t stop.

“Could just do this,” Eddie rasped, her voice strained. Stevie was sad that the toy didn’t have a vibrator or something attached for Eddie. Oh well, Stevie would just have to eat her out after. What a shame. “Rub against your pussy for hours and make you squirt.”

Oh fucking-

“Presumptuous of you,” Stevie said, though her voice shook hard with every word. Her eyes felt heavy, her cunt pulsing from the constant attention to her clit. “It doesn’t feel that good.”

Eddie laughed at that, the toy shifting and dipping just the tiniest bit into her. Barely the tip, sinking into the warmth of Stevie’s cunt.

“Unhhh,” Stevie whined, hips pushing back like she might impale herself on the toy. Eddie let her nails sink into Stevie’s hip, stopping her movements instantly. “Give me-“

“Not don’t playing with you,” Eddie said, pics breathless as she kept rubbing the top of the fake cock over Stevie’s pussy. Up and down, from the clit to her entrance. It was maddening and growing hotter by the second as the silicone warmed to Stevie’s body heat. “You’re so wet. You hear that?”

Stevie’s face flamed as she listened closer and heard the wet noise of the toy against her cunt, over and over again. She wasn’t sure if the sound embarrassed her or turned her on. Either way, she kept trying to get it back inside her. She needed to know what it felt like.

“Are you sure it’s gonna fit?” Stevie asked, looking over her shoulder as Eddie.

Eddie laughed again, even weaker this time.

“You’re not funny,” She admonished, the head catching again and pushing in. Stevie whimpered, hips widening as she pressed back into it. “Fuck, I wish you could see- you’re taking it so well.”

Stevie wanted to clamp a hand over Eddie’s mouth. She definitely needed to stop talking.

“Knew you’d be so good for me. You were made to be fucked, weren’t you? Look at-“ Eddie used both hands to spread Stevie apart, the action so filthy that Stevie felt her entire body burn with humiliation and lust. She was going to pass out from it, that’s how bad it was. But she couldn’t, not when the toy was slowly stretching her out. Stevie liked it, she decided. More than liked it. “Look at you, fuck. Your pussy is so-“

“Eddie-“ Stevie hissed, kicking a foot up to wrap around Eddie’s thigh and pull her firmly in. Stevie had strong enough legs for it and soon, the entirety of the toy slipped into her cunt and Stevie could feel Eddie’s hipbones meeting her ass and the fabric of the strap, rough against her skin. And god, she would not replace this for anything or anyone else in the world. “Move, move. Fuck me-“

Eddie pulled out and pushed back in, her pace thankfully slow. Stevie felt it into her toes from this angle, so much better than she had expected. Deeper too, that ache within her finally pressed on and fulfilled more than fingers could- but she still liked that too, that curl of Eddie’s fingers as she played with Stevie. Maybe one day Eddie would be able to fit a finger inside Stevie with the toy, maybe she would beg and beg her way into it until Eddie fucked her wider.

Stevie couldn’t voice her thoughts, too scrambled up to do much more than push back against Eddie.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” Eddie cursed, breathless as she held Stevie by her hips and went a little faster. Just a little, not so much that Stevie felt- but she wanted it, she wanted more. So much more. “How’s that feel?”

“Harder,” Stevie begged, feeling it deep inside her. She could cum like this, she could. But she knew it would take forever. She delved a hand up under her and- fuck, yeah. Rubbed at her clit. The position was difficult but it felt so good that Stevie could barely focus. “Harder, please. Please? Fuck me harder.”

Eddie hiking one knee up to deepen the angle hadn’t been in the cards for Stevie. She didn’t even realize- she had no clue how to deal with that, the deep grind in her cunt. So deep she felt like she was going to-

Little noises punched out of Stevie, constants ‘unh’ sounds that felt ripped from her throat. Soft moans escaped her lips as she tried to gain some momentum to- oh, to push back harder, to get more.

“Fuck, Stevie.”

Eddie sounded torn apart.

Stevie wondered if she was always like this. If she was more detached normally, if she didn’t sound like this. The absolute emotion and all the love spilling out of her as she gripped Stevie and let the toy grind deep inside her. Stevie was dripping wet, body so relaxed that all she could do was take it now. She gave up on thrusting back, gave up on trying to rub her clit at all. She tried half heartedly, as much as she could but-

Eddie was going so deep, it didn’t matter.

“Eddie,” Stevie whimpered, practically drooling on the bedsheets as she tried to brace her hands in sweaty blankets. “Eddie, I need-“

Whatever she needed, Eddie seemed to know better.

She managed to drape herself across Stevie’s back, shuffling onto the bed with her knees. She wrapped an arm around Stevie’s waist, her lips connecting with one shoulder blade as-

Oh, Stevie knew that feeling.

Eddie had basically introduced her to that feeling.

Stevie’s thighs clenched, her cunt tightening around the toy as she came with such intensity that she felt like she might black out. It was ridiculous. Eddie was a college student. So was Stevie. There was no way any of this could feel this good. No way that they were this compatible.

Eddie held her through it, teeth digging into her shoulder as Stevie shook through her orgasm.

It took her seconds to come back down, body twitching against Eddie.

She needed more. That was Stevie’s first thought as Eddie’s lips went gentle against her skin, kissing away the sting.

“Are you-?”

Stevie didn’t let her finish.

“Let me ride you,” She said, weak but demanding. “I wanna ride you.”

Eddie moved faster than Stevie ever thought she could.

—

Days passed and Stevie learned that her appetites were a little too well matched by Eddie.

Stevie was sore by finals week and had to actively keep herself away from Eddie, lest they end up in the same position time and time again.

Stevie had just finished one of her exams (one that she had actually studied for with Robin) when her father called with some amazing news.

It was hard for Stevie to not feel bad about it. It was even harder for her to feel as if she actually deserved something so huge. Her father had ties with a couple who ran a pretty small art museum in Italy. Stevie didn’t have all the details, had been too excited to ask much. Her father had said that they were looking for interns for their preservation department. Stevie didn’t know much about preservation but she was willing to learn. Still, she couldn’t help the inkling of guilt she felt. She had told her father months ago that she would likely be changing her major to fine art. She just wasn’t sure what she could do with a degree like that.

She could do this though. If she liked it, she could.

He assured her that ‘internship’ was a loose term, not the kind of thing students could even sign up for. He finally admitted that he had just linked back up with these people and asked if they had any positions open or were willing to take in a girl who was interested in learning more about art.

Stevie wanted to do it.

She did.

But-

But she had to talk to Eddie first. Because Stevie had another insane idea and she wasn’t sure how Eddie would react.

—

Stevie was pretty sure she was being suspicious.

They were sat at a diner and Stevie was being very suspicious. Enough so that Eddie finally decided to lay her menu down and squint her eyes at Stevie.

“Why are you acting weird?”

She didn’t even sound upset or worried or-

She clearly knew Stevie was bad at keeping by secrets. This wasn’t even a secret. She just- how was she supposed to ask?

“Um,” Stevie stuttered, hands tapping away at the table top. Eddie watched with thinly veiled amusement. “I want to ask you something but I think it’s going to come off insanely privileged and it might give you the ick.”

Eddie’s eyebrows raised high, though she didn’t stop smiling.

God, did she already know? There was no way she knew.

“My dad got me this- listen, it’s going to sound bad any way that I say it, so. I have a sort internship thing lined up for the summer.” Stevie cleared her throat and fought against a cringe. “At an art museum in Italy.”

Stevie hated that she could tell Eddie was trying to hide her disappointment. They hadn’t talked about the summer. They were young and she knew that being codependent wasn’t good. She knew that. That didn’t stop Stevie from attempting to pull two ends of the earth together.

And she could.

“And I wanted to ask if…” Steve took a deep breath, hoping the waitress would maybe notice how tense they were and not approach their table just yet. “If you would like to go with me. If you would like to stay with me for the summer and- and I think I could find something for you. Hell, I could probably-“

Eddie as silent.

Not talking at all.

Just watching Stevie.

“But I mean-“ Stevie felt her face go hot and red, embarrassed for even suggesting it. “I know you have- you wanted to work and you can if you want. You can still- or you don’t have to, which I know is-“ Stevie cringed even more. Oh god, she sounded awful. “What I’m saying is I know I’m a privileged fuck and I don’t mind using that to- to have a summer with you. In an apartment abroad. A summer where you and I don’t have to- where we can just live together. I know it’s a lot and if you need time to think about it-“

“I don’t need time,” Eddie said simply, her smile softer now. “I would love to. I was kind of hoping we could figure something out but I didn’t know where you would be going and I didn’t want to ask- I mean, I can help pay rent-“

Oh, she definitely wasn’t going to be helping with rent.

But Stevie could let her think she was for now. Stevie wanted to spoil Eddie and take care of her and- fuck, maybe she had something to talk to her therapist about after all.

“I already found a place,” Stevie blurted out, too excited to be embarrassed. “I mean, I wanted to make sure you were okay with whatever place I chose. Of course.”

Eddie’s grin was beautiful, even in the fluorescent lights of a diner. She looked like every single dream Stevie had ever had, every single thing she had wanted as a child but couldn’t grab ahold of the words to explain. Eddie was Stevie’s happy ending and her knight in shining armor. She didn’t need to explain it to anyone anymore and she didn’t care to. They could think whatever they wanted to about the two of them. Stevie had Eddie.

“Do you want to show me photos of it?” Eddie asked, as if she already knew that Stevie had the photos saved to her phone.

She did.