Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Joo Jaekyung arrived from the hospital and turned on the lights, calling out his name.

All he was met with was silence. 

Joo Jaekyung headed to Kim Dan's room, and everything was as they left it. The only thing missing was the person himself, and the items he had brought in when he started working. 

And on the bed was a Team Black jacket, and a letter. 

Joo Jaekyung snorted.

Let's see how long it takes for him to come crawling and begging to take him back. 

* * * * * * * * * *

The waves crashed by the rocks and brushed by the shores, and the seagulls were screaming at the sky. A figure was riding a scooter uphill, and he parked it in the lot of a resthouse. 

"Doctor, you're here! The flowers that you ordered have arrived," the girl manning the counter said, as she handed him a fresh bouquet of flowers. The doctor bowed to her in thanks, before taking the flowers and continuing the way on foot. The moment he left, the barely functioning tv showed an announcement of an MMA fighter taking a break, before switching out to other news.

The people in the resthouse didn't know what he looked like - their island wasn't really known for its strong network signals. It's not like anyone would want to stay here, except those who were born and raised here, and those like doctor Dan who seemed to have gotten tired of the city life and wanted to settle down. 

When asked what type of person doctor Dan likes, he would pause before smiling sadly, "It doesn't matter," and his heartbroken expression would stop the locals from pressing on. But there was a time, during the first month doctor Dan came with his gradmother,  they got him drunk enough to ask the same question, and all they got was the doctor in a crying mess while saying, "Everything that person isn't," then he knocked out into a drunken stupor. When he woke up with a hangover, he forgot it and no one had asked ever since. 

* * * * * * * * * *

He didn't know when it started, but climbing up to this point didn't make him pass out or gasp as much. Pain was something you spoke about, not something you got used to, and maybe Kim Dan got used to being in pain and getting hurt that he stopped speaking about it. It's not like anyone would listen. 

Nor would anyone understand. 

He had firsthand knowledge of that. No one ever knew of the phantom touches that trailed upon his skin at night, nor of the phantom pains that he had.

And as much as he hated himself for it, the phantom pleasure as well.

He looked like a complete and put together person, but on the inside, he knew that parts of him had died in succession - 3 years ago, when he decided to walk away and leave, and 2 years ago, when his grandmother decided to sleep without waking up. It was then that thoughts of coming back got erased completely from his mind.

No one was waiting for him back in his country. So why should he go back? 

Kim Dan was alone, but he had told himself he wasn't lonely. And after what felt like a long, long time, he started to believe it. He went on a trip alone and picked up some random skills, took photos and videos, met people, ate good food, and fully experienced the life of a backpacker. When he returned, he was unrecognizable and the locals even laughed at how dark his skin had turned and how his hair color had changed. What caught him unaware was when the owner of the resthouse told him he felt more grounded and real, as if he had finally grown into himself. 

He hummed a song as he was going up, until he reached the chapel that overlooked the whole island. It had a legend engraved on its walls, but Kim Dan had already verified the authenticity of the legend - his grandmother was here, but they were now separated between the veil of life and death. 

Maybe there was some truth in the legend if taken in that context.

He went around, to the back of the chapel towards a grove, which had piles of corals that were lined neatly. His pile was at the very back, but it had overlooked almost the entirety of the island. 

He laid the flowers down and sat beside the coral pile as they both gazed out. He got some shells from his pocket and the little knick knacks he picked up during his trip. Even if the grave was empty, Kim Dan knew that his grandmother was also busy seeing the world. Her last wish was to be cremated, her ashes scattered by the ocean currents so that Kim Dan won't be tied down by her in death. 

"Make it a fast one, so I can see the whole world."

"Grandma. I bought you souvenirs. Just little ones. I saw the world for you. It's so big, and there's so many beautiful things and delicious food, and good people..."

"I'm sorry I never got to take you further and you never got to see them..."

"I don't want to go back, grandma. Home has always been where you are, and you're here. I'll find a way to extend my visa and file for permanent residency here."

"But don't worry, I'll figure things out."

Kim Dan talked more about his experiences, but there was a topic he never touched. The wounds he held that time had long healed, but his heart still felt dull aches from time to time. He pushed those memories at the back of his mind, and only took them out when he was alone. He didn't want his grandmother to worry any more than she already did.

He started to reminisce about his time on the island, his grandmother's coral pile and the waves and wind as his company. 

* * * * * * * * * *

To prevent himself from doing stupid things, he changed his number, his email, and his socials - he almost made a fool of himself when he called a number he had memorized long before in his past when he was tipsy, but it was a good thing THAT PERSON didn't allow unknown numbers... until he realized that instead of hearing the busy tone on the other end, the call came through, and all they could here was breathing on both ends. 

"Kim Da-"

*click

Kim Dan shakily ended the call, got the sim and snapped it in half before throwing it out. That was 3 years ago, a month after he left. 

He probably meant doctor. He's hard to handle so he must already have someone else.

Someone he would actually trust and believe.

Someone who isn't me.

You'll be fine, Kim Dan. 

With the limited connectivity around the island, he had little news of the outside world. But at the same time, the stains and chains of his past didn't affect him here. The people only know him as a "traveling doctor" but upon knowing that he had plans of staying long term, the locals built a clinic for him. 

"We never had a doctor here to stay."

"But I'm not that kind of doctor, I'm more into muscle aches and pains and whatnot-"

"Even better, doc. We rarely get sick here, but those muscles pains, they're a part of our daily life. You'll fit in just right, here." 

"Don't you look down on us doc, we can pay."

That sounded nice.

Fitting in. 

Kim Dan thought they were joking, until he actually got his first paycheck from them. 

Pearls.

They paid in pearls. Upon appraisal, the best ones could have cleared his debt -

Oh. He still had some debt left to pay... I'll send it to him when I've gathered enough. 

He had attended a course in first aid, because while the island was beautiful, it also had hidden dangers - sea snake bites, jellyfish stings, sea urchin pricks - he studied them, just in case. Kim Dan was never the type to slack off, and he got a certification soon after. He just didn't expect to have to use it soon. 

"DOC! DOC! SOMEONE GOT BITTEN BY A SNAKE!"

Kim Dan quickly wore his coat, washed his hands and wore gloves. The man who he assumed was the victim was being carried princess style by another man, and the worry in his eyes was palpable. When he turned to look at Kim Dan, the man was startled then quickly looked at the man in his arms. 

"Can you understand me?"

"Ne."

The man who was holding the victim smiled and said, "I'm sorry, your features are quite similar to my husband's. Forgive the intrusion doc, my name is Alex, and this is DG."

"I'm Dan. Alex, can you tell me where and when he was bitten?"

"Around 5 minutes ago, on his left ankle."

"Can you sit him up and support his back?"

"Hyung, I'm fine, I can sit on the chair -"

Alex sat DG on his lap, and DG suddenly stopped speaking and blushed. There was something hard and warm that was getting larger, and it wasn't Alex's thighs.

"Mercy on the single dogs, can you guys stop flirting?" Kim Dan said as he wrapped a bandage 2 inches above the wound. 

"Hey, the couple making out, stop grinding, I can't tie the bandage properly."

"Hy - hyung. Listen to doc."

"Stop being so cute."

"AHEM."

...

Kim Dan cleaned the wound, and called one of the boats to ferry the two lovebirds towards the neighboring island. 

"Their facilities are more complete there, AND THEY HAVE A BED. They also have antivenom shots there, make sure to get one. I called someone to ferry you over, they'll arrive in a few minutes."

"Doc, the payment -"

"Have yourself checked first. If you remember, come back. If not, it's the service of one countryman to another."

Alex kissed DG before carrying him up and bowing to Kim Dan. 

"Thanks doc. We'll be back soon," Alex secured DG in his arms before walking quickly.

"I hope the next time we meet will be outside the clinic."

"We'll take you out on a meal, doc. Thank you," DG called out and waved, a ring glisteneing on his finger. Kim Dan then saw a matching ring on Alex's finger.

* * * * * * * * * *

That was 3 years ago as well, and Kim Dan was surprised that the sun had started to set. He brushed his shorts and stretched. 

"I'll come back again, grandma. I'm meeting Alex and DG tomorrow. Don't worry too much, I'm alright. Rest easy."

Kim Dan said a small prayer then bowed, before making his way back. The trip going down was always faster and he picked up his scooter, before riding it towards the clinic. He parked it and went to the second floor, which also served as their residence. He cooked his dinner, realized that his fridge was getting empty, and made a mental note to do groceries. He washed the dishes, and bathed, changed his clothes, went out of his room to go up the narrow staircase that would lead towards the rooftop. There was a small garden there, empty clotheslines for their laundry, and a small rest area. The rest area had chairs and a hammock. He laid down there for a while, just listening to the waves, the wind gently swinging his hammock. 

If it were back then, I'd never own a house and I'd never have peace. I'd still be hounded by loan sharks, and I'd have to pay grandma's bills... Maybe if I never left the suburbs to stay in the city, grandma would be less stressed and less sick. 

Maybe being a doctor had much too high a cost. If I was never a doctor, then school wouldn't be expensive, and grandma wouldn't have to work so hard... 

"... then we would not have met. Kim Dan, there are no what - ifs, no do- overs. Just the here and now. You deserve this peace."

He repeated it again, and again until he got sleepier, then Kim Dan went down and finally fell asleep.

Someday, he hoped he could believe that 100 percent. But right now, like a fervent prayer, he said it again, and again, and again. 

Chapter Text

"Will you get out, or do you want a stretcher to wheel you out?"

The newly hired physical therapist hurriedly went out without looking back, his face pale, and his back drenched with cold sweat.  Joo Jaekyung's manager sighed and said, "I thought you said you wanted a personal physical therapist -"

"This time, at least I didn't throw him out. He walked out on his own."

It has been three weeks since Joo Jaekyung had been discharged from the hospital, three weeks since the whole team had been looking for a new physical therapist.

Three weeks since Kim Dan disappeared.

No one had mentioned his name for three weeks. Joo Jaekyung was not worried, he was never worried for people, it was people who worried for him.

No, he wasn't worried, he was just asking how one young man and one old woman seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. 

If there are no signs of him after a month, I'll let the manager file for missing persons reports. And he still has some debts to pay for his grandmother's treatment. 

Does he really think he's irreplaceable? And that he can escape?

No matter how [bad] he treated Kim Dan, at the end of the day, he was sure that he didn't have a choice but to be of use to him - whether it was to give him massages, or to spread his legs.

Kim Dan needs him. 

No. Kim Dan needed your money. 

Kim Dan was free to work and live anywhere he wants to, as long as he comes back to the residences. 

Where does he work? Where does he live? Is he living with someone else? Is he offering them the same services?

A very tiny part of Joo Jaekyung was sure he was the reason Kim Dan left. A big part of him argued that Kim Dan shouldn't be too sensitive and should just accept his special treatment - he never treated anyone as nicely as he did Kim Dan, but that was how he was repaid - an employee who went AWOL. 

How irresponsible. 

Weren't you an asshole? No wonder Kim Dan left. 

He should file a complaint in the institution Kim Dan worked for. Then no one will hire him and he'll be forced to work under Joo Jaekyung's employment. The idea had barely formed when he was already giving instructions for his manager to do just that.

Joo Jaekyung never makes a move if he can make other people do it for him, but when he saw the rapidly changing expressions of his manager, he suddenly had a premonition. 

"Doctor Kim had already been fired right before he was employed here. They accused him of malpractice -"

"Bullshit. What malpractice? If the way he worked here was anything to go by as malpractice, how professional would he be if he was serious? There's something off there, investigate it further."

"Jaekyung, you still have a match. You haven't vented yet... should I call...?"

"... I don't need that. I'll vent in the ring."

Maybe Joo Jaekyung hadn't realized it, but his team had. If before he was a club, heavy and brash, now he was a sword - colder, more precise, sharper with an air of danger that was barely sheathed. It was as if when a certain doctor left, he had been containing his feelings. He had become less expressive, but he had become more dangerous. 

* * * * * * * * * *

Joo Jaekyung had accompanied his team to celebrate when his phone suddenly rang. He was about to end it when he realized it was an international call. He answered it and pressed it close to his ear.

The breathing on the other end ignited an urge within him that he hadn't felt in a while. He recognized it; in fact, he had been the cause of the irregular breathing on more than one occasion. He recognized it so much so, that the thing dangling between his legs which didn't have a fight left in it for almost a month stood up and was waving hello. 

He uttered the name that he had been trying to put at the back of his mind, but seemed to also have a mind of its own because just seeing and hearing that name took most of his attention.

"Kim Dan -"

*click

"SHIT!" Joo Jaekyung exploded, flipping a chair over before leaving the bar in a huff. His driver followed behind, and he growled out an address.

"Sir, that place... it's not safe -"

"See who'll end up dead if they try to approach me."

The driver gulped and drove out. He didn't see the young master's temper in a while, and he didn't know if he should be relieved or worried. 

It was close to 11 pm when they arrived. As he alighted, he scowled. 

The smell of poverty.

(🦆🪿: *feels wronged for some reason)

There was a time when he said the same words to him, and he didn't take it well. Joo Jaekyung still couldn't understand what he did wrong - he gave him better living conditions, but he was in such a rush to leave. 

Joo Jaekyung scowled again. Despite the mazelike layout of the alleyways, he found himself walking towards where he lived, as if his feet had long since memorized the way towards him. 

How arrogant - an employee who's fetched by their employer. 

I don't think he's here if he changed his number. 

But there was a feeling growing in his chest - and it felt like hope. 

If he's there, I'll be magnanimous and grudgingly hire him again even if he doesn't beg. I'll be the bigger person and he'll see that I'm a generous employer. He won't have a reason to leave again - his employer is handsome, strong, can pay him, and satisfy his needs. He's really lucky to have met me. 

Joo Jaekyung broke out of his reverie when he realized that the lights were on. He hurriedly went up and knocked on the door. Belatedly he realized the the moaning and music had stopped. A head cautiously peeked out and upon seeing Joo Jaekyung, he blanched. Before he could move, Joo Jaekyung had grabbed him by the collar.

"Why are you here?! Are you disturbing him again?!"

"P - please sir - we - we never came back here ever since our last meeting. W - we were on - on- only informed that the tenants here had been slowly paying the rent. We - we never saw him nor bothered him. Ha - have mercy!"

"WHEN DID HE PAY AND WHERE DID HE GET THE MONEY?"

"AYIE I - I I don't know where he- he- got the money b- but, we started getting deposits two days ago." 

Joo Jaekyung angrily threw the man on the floor, and punched the wall in frustration, before storming down and jogging towards the car. 

"Go to the hospital, where his grandmother was admitted."

* * * * * * * * * *

The night grew deeper, and they reached the hospital. Joo Jaekyung raised a commotion because he entered without any form of disguise. A sharp eyed nurse saw his fist and quickly called security to restore order before leading Joo Jaekyung to a private section of the Ambulatory department. 

"We'll have to disinfect that, and we'll pull out the splinters but how hard did you punch the wood for such big pieces to get stuck?"

"Can we do that later? I want to visit a patient. She's my grandmother -"

"No, you're not. You just visited with Kim Dan. You guys musn't be close if you didn't know that Kim Dan already asked for her discharge almost a month ago."

Joo Jaekyung's expression didn't change, but inwardly he was shocked. 

He did so much behind his back... and so decisively, in fact. He never even talked to me about it. Was he in such a hurry to leave?

Maybe Kim Dan didn'tfeel lucky to have met me.

Maybe to him, I was the jinx. 

* * * * * * * * * *

Joo Jaekyung was quiet on the ride back. He turned on the light and habitually said, "I'm home," knowing that no one was waiting for him. He went up to his room, and realized that the last of his traces on the sheets - his smell - was no longer there. He sat on the bed and rummaged a box - then put the things back again. Wooden blocks and plastic swords knocked against each other, before Joo Jaekyung rested on the bed, letting his feet dangle on the side. 

It was boring playing by himself. 

* * * * * * * * * *

Your bank account number ending in xxxx received an amount of $xxxx from money transfer transaction number xxxx - xxxx - xxxx

He thought it was spam until he realized that money really was being transferred in that account. At least once a week, some amount would be transferred and Joo Jaekyung's thoughts would wonder how he was getting the money.

You idiot, I have money. Use it for your grandma.

Joo Jaekyung somehow knew that when the money would stop, the last connection he had with the doctor would cease to exist. 

Of all the things he could be right on, that was one of them. 

Because 2 years ago, all of his debts had been carefully recounted, fully paid, and there was even an excess. 

I still don't need the money, but now even my employee doesn't need the money. 

Shouldn't he be happy because he was living well? 

But there was this feeling of loss upon the realization that he was no longer needed. 

No, not him. 

His money was no longer needed.

It was always about the money. 

Or was it? 

Chapter Text

The more time passed, the quieter Joo Jaekyung became, but the one thing that they thought had been a passing whim for him became a habit. 

Ever since a certain doctor whose name they didn't mention, Joo Jaekyung never did his pre - match rituals, or what he called his "jinx". But that doctor, he did too much good job "curing" the Tyrant.

Joo Jaekyung knew what they were thinking about, but he just snorted and didn't say anything.

It wasn't that Joo Jaekyung didn't want to - ever since 3 years ago, Joo Jaekyung just couldn't bring himself to touch anyone else. His little brother down there and his hands became best friends in the last three years, but he knew that while his hands were doing the work, the thought that always pushed him over the edge were the memories with his favorite doctor (and it wasn't even while they were fucking, it sometimes was as simple as remembering his housemate in casual wear).

For 3 years, after his return from suspension, Joo Jaekyung never lost a match.

Did he become merciful?

Not in the slightest.

Some would even say he became more ruthless, as if he was just a machine doing its job of knocking people down. Isn't that what he should be doing?

Knocking people down?

I even knocked a person out my life.

3 years wasn't a long enough time,but it wasn't short either.

Maybe he has forgotten 

Joo Jaekyung begrudgingly realized he didn't want that, so he made sure to go to every match and win them. He endorsed products and became a brand ambassador, all to put his name in the lights and make his influence spread wider. 

Did I reach you?

Do you see me?

This is the person you left behind.

Do you regret it?

I can still do well, even without you.

I mean, who do you think you are? 

Who do you think you are... to forget me?

It has been 3 years and after that call (if that even was him), there had been no personal contact of any kind, other than the money transfer notifications.

Grow up. I think 3 years is too long for a tantrum.

Joo Jaekyung believed that with the effort he put, the other person should be the one making the effort this time. But he also learned from before was that when that person had his mind set, he couldn't be swayed. In that aspect, he won, by just a tiny bit. Inversely, in that aspect of stubborness, Joo Jaekyung lost by just a tiny bit. He was the type who hated to lose most of all. 

I don't mind losing a little bit more if it means I can see you again.

I'll just beat you in other ways. 

... Does staying and leaving not equate to winning or losing? The person who stays wins and the person who leaves lost.

But the price you have to pay for staying as you are, for winning, is losing the person who left. 

Don't you want to chase after him?

Or even find him?

Or just see him?

"After this season, I plan to take a break. 3 years on top and still no decent challengers - how the times have changed," Joo Jaekyung mocked, and for a moment he looked as if he was gazing at someone beyond the cameras aimed at him, but it must have been the viewers' imagination because how could the Emperor of the ring look lovelorn?

He raised the belt in a provocative manner, before slinging it on his shoulder and strutting out. The thing about Joo Jaekyung was even if he was a big asshole, he was a good looking asshole, and so his fanbase had grown over the years. Some people would flock to him to bask in his fame, some would take it a step further and try to climb his bed. For those latter types, his legs were more than enough to kick them out. 

When he got home, Joo Jaekyung still did everything he did before. He read. He swam. He trained.

It was his life as before.

Except... he moved into the smaller bedroom.

A big room is hard to heat and hard to cool down.

A smaller room is best.

A smaller bed, barely enough for two people, so that both would have to either lie still... or maybe cuddle.

He had also moved some of his clothes in the smaller wardrobe, but he left half empty. 

It's for next season's clothes. 

He had been telling himself that for 3 years.

His thoughts were broken when one of the people he hired to investigate called. 

"Sir, while he did meet with them, he wasn't the one who sabotaged you -"

"That's old news."

You didn't believe him that time.

"- which brings me as to why he met with them. At that time, his virtual trail showed that he was looking for private tropical getaways..."

The voice drifted off before saying it in one breath, "... for 3. They offered him a deal, but he refused them on the spot." 

It can't be...?

How can he be so silly...?

He could have asked for a pay raise and Joo Jaekyung would have given or loaned him the money he needed.

Especially for his grandma.

Two of them were obviously for his grandma and himself. Who was the third person? 

Why couldn't he trust him?

Oh? But did YOU trust HIM? 

And you're no good in receiving gifts either.

Suddenly, Joo Jaekyung felt more restless than ever. He only said, "Follow any traces you have of him," before turning the call off because what if an unregisted number would call again?

The people around him got used to his short phone calls, almost believing that maybe he cared for that person, but then they'd ask themselves if he even knew how to care for another human being. 

What exactly do you know about him, apart from the things he's showing you?

You didn't even look at him and look over him properly.

What if I everything I've known about him had been wrong from the start? 

Joo Jaekyung sighed and threw himself on the bed in a frustrated manner. 

What if I was the one wrong from the start?

Chapter Text

"Are we leaving, Dan?"

Kim Dan's throat tightened at the sight of his grandmother. She had been kind to him, but the same could not be said as what the years have done to her.

"Yes, grandma."

"Where are we going?"

"... To the ocean."

"... Just us? We're not waiting for J-"

"Let's not disturb him, grandma. He's very busy right now."

"... Okay."

* * * * * * * * * * *

The ferries to the neighboring island only had four trips throughout the day - 4 am, 8 am, 12 pm, and 4 pm - except for the emergency boat in which the doctor (Kim Dan), and the head or acting head of the island could call. Private transport could be booked, but Kim Dan preferred the inconspicuous public transport.

If it was inconspicuous, then why did the ferry going towards their island carry someone glaring at him? He looked at it from the corner of his eye, and not seeing anyone suspicious, suddenly sneezed twice.

Was this a dissatisfied patient? Some crazy person? A loan shark? 

Did they find me?

Do I have to hide again?

But why should I hide? It's not like they own the island. Besides, I'm already happy here.

Ah, I'll just take it as they come. 

One sneeze was if someone was talking about you. Twice was if someone missed you.

Who would miss someone like him? 

Who would even try to find someone like him? 

* * * * * * * * * *

The dissatisfied patient/crazy person/loan shark was glaring at the receding ferry. There was a local there who looked just like the person in his mind from 3 years ago, but Joo Jaekyung had second thoughts because the man in the ferry stood straight and had a confident, peaceful air about him. 

Very unlike that agitated, trying-to-take-up-as-little-space-as-possible doctor.

He didn't mind looks, but while the person in his mind was pale and pink, the one on the boat was sunkissed and sun tanned. Aside from looks, their aura was too different.

So why did that man give him the familiar urge? 

Am I that starved from the lack of physical contact? 

Do I miss him?

Why would I look for a person who left? Good riddance. 

I... just wanted to see how grandma was doing, that's all. 

* * * * * * * * * *

"Excuse me? Hello?" The man knocked on the dilapidated wooden door, half hoping there would be someone to open the door for him, and the other half hoping it would be him.

A small girl opened the door and she stared up at the big, tall man on the doorway. She couldn't see his face - he stood against the light, and he had a cap and face mask on. She squinted and asked, "Good afthernoon, mither. Who are you looking for?"

His eyes scanned the room, looking for someone, but there was no other signs of life except for this little girl.

"I'm looking for Kim... Grandma Kim. Is she around?"

There was a soft thudding from the hallway behind the girl, and an old woman with a cane slowly hobbled towards them. The little girl helped her and led her towards where the masked man stood.

"... Are you the other grandson? You don't look like Kim Dan."

The man didn't answer, but his hands tightened into fists at his sides.

"Anyways, I didn't think anyone would ever show up. Dear, go get that pretty island picture inside my drawer."

The man hesitated only for a moment before assisting the old woman to sit down. They sat in silence until they heard the padding of the girl's feet and she handed a postcard to the man. When the man flipped the postcard over, there were a few lines at the back.

The handwriting was shaky and barely legible, but the man patiently read them one by one. 

"tO mY gRaNdSon,

pLeaSe tAkE cAre of hIm fOr mE, aNd yOurSelF aS wEll. i hOpE yOu WiLl bOtH bE hApPy, tOgeTheR oR aPaRt."

There was no return address, and the postage stamp had already become faded. The man carefully held the postcard, wondering how he could ask for it. 

"You keep it. I think it was meant for you."

"... How long did you keep this for?"

"Between one to two years ago. She wrote in an earlier letter that if no one would pick this up, I would treat it as a memento. Wherever this is, I think they'll be staying there if not permanently, then for a long time."

The little girl served them some water and soft biscuits. The man nibbled on some biscuits, silently listening to the old lady, even if they tasted like sawdust in his mouth.

"She wrote that she wanted to send this to her other grandson, but she didn't know his address and that he didn't want to go with them."

Why were these biscuits so difficult to swallow?

* * * * * * * * * *

It wasn't like one of the reasons he chose this island was because they traced the contact number from the bank transfers somewhere in the vicinity.

And it wasn't because the postcard he received, while having a faded stamp but no return address, showed a possible view of this island.

Nope, it wasn't related to the said doctor at all. 

Joo Jaekyung huffed and turned his head, not caring about the admiring and somewhat suggestive glances thrown his way. When their ferry docked, he descended and stormed off, leaving his team behind. 

It's not like anyone would recognize him in this godforsaken, backyard place - 

Joo Jaekyung suddenly stopped and turned his head towards one of the buildings. The clinic was newer compared to the other buildings, but what drew him towards it was the rocking chair on the porch. There were  thousands of rocking chairs in the world, but it seemed out of place as compared to the building.

"Are you not feeling well? Do you want to go to the clinic -"

"Oh... you youngsters must not be from here," the captain of the ferry emerged and stopped by them. 

"Doc usually goes on a break during this time, so you wouldn't find anyone there."

Why would the only island doctor take a break?

"... in the meantime, why don't you visit other sights in the island? The chapel over there overlooks the whole island, but it's quite a walk away. There's a resthouse in the middle though, so you won't get too tired. You look as if you train a lot, so I don't think it would be that hard for you."

Joo Jaekyung rifled his bag and carefully pulled out the postcard he got a year ago, and showed it to the captain. 

The captain's eyebrows rose in surprise. 

"So you were the other grandson! The old lady, bless her soul, said she wanted to send it to her other grandson, but asked me to keep it a secret. I didn't expect you to receive it!"

"... What do you mean 'bless her soul'?"

The captain's face fell.

"You... didn't know?"

Their blank faces reflected the captain's forlorn look. 

"That scenery on the postcard - that's a view from up there," he pointed at an overhanging cliffside. "That's also the place where your grandma is peacefully sleeping..."

"Yesterday marked the second year-"

Something zipped by the captain as the postcard from his hand was snatched and the big fellow ran like the wind towards where he was pointing at a few minutes back. 

"YOUNGSTER, YOU CAN RENT SCOOTERS IN THE RESTHOUSE!"

The rest of his team thanked the captain and he reminded them, "I'll be ferrying back around noontime. The last trip back if you miss it is 4 pm."

* * * * * * * * * *

Joo Jaekyung ran towards the resthouse where he found some beat up scooters, and decided to jog up instead. He bought some water, asked for directions from the shopkeeper, and started to make his way up.

The island was more humid as compared to the city, and pretty soon his shirt was soaked through with sweat. He paced himself, never slowing down to more than a jog, as if exerting himself could make him arrive faster. He got lost part of the way, his limbs getting scratched by twigs and brambles, but he found his bearings and continued up.

The bell tower became bigger until Joo Jaekyung found himself standing in front of the chapel. He slowed to a walk, and went to the stone tablet that had the inscription of a certain belief the locals had.

If you come to this chapel with your loved one, ring the bell together, offer your most sincere wish, and you will be tied together in this lifetime, and perhaps the next. 

As if I'd believe something like this. If I wanted to be together with a person, I would chase him down and make him submit to me -

Joo Jaekyung lost his train of thought when he reached a clearing with piles of shells and corals in little lots. He walked through them, carefully checking until he saw a lot were the flowers were still fresh and the items looked  new. A set of footprints were embedded on the ground, as if the person there had been squatting for a period of time. 

Joo Jaekyung stepped on the same place those footprints did, leaving bigger indentations, and encasing those small footprints in his. He bent down and squatted, rummaging his bag for water and little plastic cups. He poured a glass and set it down near the flowers, then poured another glass and drank from it. 

"Grandma, long time no see. Let this grandson of yours offer a drink as an apology because it took me a long time to find you. It wasn't because I didn't want to come. I wasn't busy either. If - if he asked, I would have gone with you guys... I think. At least the me right now would have."

The proud Joo Jaekyung suddenly bent down and offered a kowtow.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to say good - bye."

He sat up and rummaged his bag again. "These are the medals I won when you left. Did you watch me?"

He hung the medals on the coral pile and squatted. "Grandma... I haven't found him yet. I don't think he even wants to be found, especially by me."

"I ask for your guidance and grace, grandma."

And a chance.

Once more, one living person was telling stories, even if the listener was already beyond the realm of the living. He just hoped that she could hear it. 

And hoped that she would listen. 

Chapter Text

Kim Dan arrived at their meeting place, and waited at the lobby of the hotel Alex and DG were staying in. They already exchanged their real names, but they preferred using their other names overseas - to be friends with strangers in a strange land, and it gave them the anonymity and freedom they didn't have. Kim Dan looked at the time and sighed - Ah, those two must be going at it again. 

* * * * * * * * * *

"Ah- ah- Hyung!! Not too hard, not - hah- haaah- too fast - ah!"

"But you like it this way, don't you? Hng - especially- THIS deep-"

"Dan is - AH! waiting for us - "

"Are you saying another man's name while you're happily clenching down on me?"

Ahn Jiwon pinched his chin and kissed him from behind, as he bounced DG up and down. He deepened their kiss, before thrusting faster inside. 

"Ah - wait - too much, HYUNG, I'M CUMMI- hmpf-"

DG's cries were muffled by another one of Jiwon's deep kisses, the bathroom mirror reflecting their bodies covered in love bites, before something white splashed on its surface.

* * * * * * * * * 

"Dan, did you wait long?"

"... DG, don't talk. Your voice..."

Dan spotted a few marks on both their necks and with a sigh he placed transparent plasters on those conspicuous spots. DG had twitched while he was fixing them up and Dan glared at Alex. 

"Ugh - could you not have put it in him until after? Or we could have cancelled -"

"No - haaaa - I'm fine- he has it set on low," DG mustered. 

"Alex, behave. At least until after our meet - up."

"... Fine, fine," Ahn Jiwon raised his hand in surrender.

"Please remind me why I agreed to this???"

"If you want to try, we have friends we can introduce you to..."

Dan laughed awkwardly, but refused just as politely as he did from the first time they asked. 

The three of them went around the island, with Dan being their tour guide. Although they rarely met, the two never forgot Kim Dan's life saving grace and kept in touch with him. They weren't able to meet with the pandemic lockdown, so it wasn't wrong to say it was their long awaited reunion. 

"Our friends back also wanted to come with you, but they got held up with something," DG blushed while hiding the fact that their friends got held up because of those kinds of toys.

Alex laughed as he remembered how sheepish the two looked, but he told Dan, "If you ever visit, we'll be the tour guides."

"That would be... great," Dan halfheartedly said. Alex went on to talk about the new scenic spots back in their country, but DG noticed Dan's hesitation and pulled on his sleeve. Dan startled, but good naturedly patted DG's head. 

"You know, from behind the two of you look identical, though Dan's taller and more tanned," Alex said as he observed the two. 

"Call me your love child - I have a bit of your build, but DG's features. A perfect blend," Dan said. The three went shopping (the two of them took an hour inside the fitting room and Dan wanted to just go on ahead without them), ate (Dan ate mouthfuls of dog food with how sweet the two were), until Dan finally gave up. 

"The next time I'll be going off with you two, I'll have to bring a companion with me," Dan groaned, as he sent them back to the hotel. 

"Aanndd here's your chance," Alex pointed at the sign on the lobby.

"... Cocktail night?" Dan read the sign, his frown getting deeper. 

"I have nothing to wear."

"We went shopping remember."

"I don't have anyone to go with -"

"What are we then?"

"...I have very poor alcohol tolerance."

"Get drunk. Get laid."

"..."

I'm actually the one at the bottom. 

DG, sensing his discomfort, shook his head when Alex was about to add more. 

"You don't have to, Dan, but you might meet someone? Or if not then at least have more friends. If you miss the ferry back, you can stay in my room." 

"When you have all bases covered like that, then I have no choice but to stay. Thank you." 

"You're too formal. I mean, we ARE friends."

* * * * * * * * * * 

They really were here. 

Joo Jaekyung had talked (patiently) with the locals, and he got to know the places he loved, visited, and stayed. They talked about a different person, and his heart clenched.

He was never able to witness how he grew and how he changed. The person in their stories seem to be so vibrant and free. 

I want to meet him.

I want to see him.

I need to talk to him.

But is this person really him? 

Joo Jaekyung made his team return earlier, then promised to return by the last ferry. He had been picking something up from the beach until the last ferry was about to arrive, and the tide has risen to his knees. He went to the clinic and was about to put the things he collected, but thought better of it and pocketed them back.

The doctor loves collecting sea glass. Our island has another legend that bracelets made from sea glass can be exchanged as love tokens, signifying a love lived like an eternal dream.

Joo Jaekyung saw the ferry and it was still driven by the same captain. He walked down and looked back at the clinic, before boarding the ferry. 

* * * * * * * * * *

"It might be too tacky, but here."

DG and Alex opened the small box that Dan had given them and was surprised at the content.

"Did you make this?"

"I made the two of you match. Mine will be a friendship bracelet with you guys- you don't have to wear it now, it won't match your suits."

DG had already slipped on his sea glass bracelet. "It must have taken you a long time to find these colors. Thank you Dan."

"My husband has spoken," Alex said, and he entwined his hands with DG's. 

"You don't need it, but I'll say it all the same. I hope your love is lived like an eternal dream," Dan sincerely wished them well.

"I hope you find that love for you," DG seriously replied. 

If love was something that hurts, something I have to guard against, something I could not say... if love was as heavy as the feeling pressing down on my chest making it hard for me to breathe... I'd rather not have it at all. 

Gifts can be received this sincerely, and they're only just my friends. Maybe it's better to find friends than love. 

At least friends take your feelings into account. 

DG was waiting for his reply, but  Dan just spaced out and smiled sadly. "Let's go downstairs?" He tentatively asked, breaking Dan's reverie. 

They went down and mingled with the guests. Some were locals, and they greeted Dan warmly, while Dan introduced the couple to them. Some were visitors on the island, and Dan made small talk with them. 

The three found a table and sat down to order food, but Dan kept feeling that he was being watched. They ate before the rounds of drinks started. By the third round, Alex was still steady, DG was red in the face, while Dan was already woozy. 

"I'll go to the restroom, then we'll take Dan back up?"

Alex nodded and stood up, helping Dan stand up, before leaning closer to let Dan hear better.

"Dan, we're taking you up. I didn't know you were this much of a lightweight!" 

" 'mmm sorryyyyyy ~ *hiccup* 'm really weak. I'll grow strongeeer. Then I'll - I'll walk away. And he'll only see my cool back from behiiind."

The two men escorted Kim Dan up, with DG going inside his room ahead to clean up. Dan and Alex were standing outside his door, when they heard heavy steps running towards them. 

I must have had too much to drink, but why does that person look like - no, it's impossible. I'm worth nothing in his eyes, except for what I can do. 

Dan blearily opened his eyes again and a silhouette had his arm raised, ready to hit Alex. Dan pushed Alex aside and shakily stood in front of the incoming fist. He felt wind rushing by his ear as the fist changed its angle in the last second and it whistled past him, landing on the wall behind him. 

The person and Dan were standing face to face, and Alex wanted to cut in, but the man glared at him. 

"The next time you touch him, my fist won't miss."

"Hyung! What's with the commotion?" DG rushed out in alarm and tried to pull Dan and Alex away.

Dan who had been trapped between the man and the wall, suddenly moved... and clung onto his arm. 

"You asshole. Don't hurt Alex and DG just because they treat me like a person~~~," Dan slurred. 

"You guys... go ahead..."

The man jerked, as he stared at Dan who was doing a poor job of stopping him from moving. 

Understanding crossed Alex's face as he carried DG away. 

"Hyung! Why are we leaving Dan with that dangerous man?!"

"I don't think he's going to hurt Dan... Because he's somewhat like me when I decided to get you back," Alex said as he bent down to nuzzle DG's ear, then his neck. 

"Hmph. You guys just think about us when we're gone."

"... I'm sorry."

"I hope Dan won't give in as easy as I did to you."

"... That guy's more unlucky, I don't think he realizes his feelings yet."

* * * * * * * * * *

Dan's bravado came crashing down the moment Alex and DG closed the door. He hid his head with his arms and slowly slid down the wall into a squatting position. 

"P- please don't hurt me," he managed to squeeze out. 

The man froze. 

Was he that afraid of him?

"Kim Dan, look at me. Do you know who I am?" The man's voice had become dangerously low. 

"P - please g - go away -"

"KIM DAN!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Kim Dan shouted back. "Sir, please... just leave me alone," he sobbed, as he stood up and staggered towards his room. 

The man's scent approached Kim Dan again and he froze, but the man merely guided him  steadily to his room, before slowly letting go. Kim Dan hurriedly entered the room then locked the door, as if he couldn't escape the man fast enough. 

The man stood and slowly placed his palm on the door.

Kim Dan, I finally found you.

Chapter Text

Joo Jaekyung returned with the last trip of the ferry. The captain offered him some clean towels and bandages for his scratches, but he refused. He merely cleaned himself off, and wiped off the blood of the deeper ones that bled. It was a good thing that there were less people returning - he had more room to move, more air to breathe, and more time to organize his thoughts.

He paid the captain, bowed and said his thanks, before walking back, his feet on the sand, the gulls screaming, and the sea rising and falling with his breath, as gathered data turned to both assumptions and truths.

Grandma Kim is gone.

Debt has been repaid, an in excess. Bold of him to give me a tip.

The number he used wasn't his - does he have someone with him?

Is he taken?

Is he planning on settling down here? 

With who?

I won't allow it.

He breached the contract.

If everything has to end, it should be on my terms, not his. 

Have I been looking for him for three years, just to end the contract on my terms?

Doctor Kim Dan, bold of you to walk away and quit when I haven't fired you yet.

We are not done.

There was that strange feeling yet again that was rising in his chest. It wasn't anger, though there was a bit of that. It was almost the same as the feeling when he stepped inside the ring, adrenaline pumping with the cheering of the crowd -

What if it's not him?

What if it's him but he doesn't want to see you? 

* * * * * * * * * *

Joo Jaekyung's eyes snapped open as he woke up in cold sweat just as his alarm rang. He looked at the time, flung off the blanket took a shower, and got changed. It was a good thing that he packed a somewhat decent outfit for the hotel's Cocktail Night. 

* * * * * * * * * *

He didn't want to go, but then he saw the familiar looking local again, and that man also had a man on each of his arm.

The doctor wasn't that extravagant - or does he have multiple partners? Polyamory? 

One of the men had the same hair and skin color, and even had the same aura as the doctor three years ago, but that man was shorter and more timid than the doctor.

That man should just keep his hands to himself, why is he clinging to that local's arm -

The other man was taller and bigger (not as big as him), but had more refined features and as Joo Jaekyung hated to admit it, had his own air of handsomeness. 

What is his arm doing, snaking around that local's waist? If he laughs, does he have to lean that close?

Before Joo Jaekyung could wonder where those thoughts about the local who caught his eye came from, the trio had entered the hotel, and Joo Jaekyung even heard a, "Get drunk, get laid," from the handsome man. Joo Jaekyung felt his temper rise, but held himself back from approaching. He pinched the area between his eyebrows and sighed deeply, before walking towardsthe sign to check the details of the Cocktail night. 

* * * * * * * * * *

Joo Jaekyung found a corner where he could see everyone who entered and left. He ordered his dinner but didn't drink, his head snapping up in expectation as patrons entered, then lowering it in... what is this feeling of not getting what you want?

Disappointment.

It's not him.

Frustration.

It's still not him.

Anticipation.

It IS him.

Joo Jaekyung ate little but watched what transpired between the three of them - all those little touches, how they leaned too close to each other, how many people went up and the introductions made, but what caused him to clench the table and hear it crack was that the three of them had matching sea glass bracelets. 

It looks tacky on the both of them.

How long did it take him to make that for them? 

How dare you live in a dream without me in it? 

A doctor - patient relationship doesn't end that easily - not when the patient is still alive, and still needs treatment.

Joo Jaekyung had conveniently ignored all the doctors that came after him. While he may not be the best doctor, they mutually gave each other the best "treatment". 

And now he's giving the treatment to someone else? 

Maybe he forgot who he belongs to. 

You don't own him. 

He doesn't owe you anything, either. 

When he saw them escorting the doctor back to their room, something in Joo Jaekyung snapped, but before he could shove the man aside, his arm was being clutched by the doctor. 

The doctor was tanned, but he still maintained his sweet features - doe like eyes, rosebud lips, a tall nose, but his cheeks had lost some of its fat making his jawline more prominent, and the body that was pressing on his arm had a bit more muscle. Joo Jaekyung froze at the contact, but when he realized that the doctor was standing up for his partners, that same feeling he felt when the doctor was being all chummy with Heesung (or other men in general) rose up again. 

Jealousy.

Disgust because he had been touching other men besides him.

Joo Jaekyung uttered his name but found him on the floor, cowering. 

Then the doctor who stood up against him for a nunber of times he could count with one hand did it again - he told Joo Jaekyung in his drunken state to go away and leave him alone.

As if Joo Jaekyung was the one who left. 

The one who was disgusting.

The one who had many men. 

An eyesore. 

A disturbance.

As if he could.

His heartbeat seemed to slow down, and he felt his stomach drop. He tentatively went up and assisted the doctor, who then slammed the door in his face.

Not even a word of thanks.

But Joo Jaekyung was... what's this feeling called? When you found something you thought was lost for good.

At least he found him.

Thank you, Grandma Kim.

* * * * * * * * * *

Kim Dan woke up with a hangover. He groaned, placing his arm over his eyes to block it from sunlight. The knocking persisted, and he could hear a heated voice as he dragged himself to open the door. 

Three pairs of eyes turned to look at him, and he rubbed his eyes, mumbling a "good morning," not noticing how one of those pair of eyes had turned grim. 

DG had hangover soup in one hand and was the one frantically knocking the door. Alex was grabbing Joo Jaekyung's collar -

Grabbing Joo Jaekyung's collar -

Grabbing... Joo Jaekyung?

Kim Dan rubbed his eyes again. And again. Then pinched his arm until he flinched as blood started to seep out. He stared at his wound, and they stared at him until Joo Jaekyung cleared his throat, controlled his strength and shoved Alex aside, and silently offered his handkerchief.

Kim Dan stared at the dangling cloth but didn't take it, knowing it must be from a luxury brand, but Joo Jaekyung huffed and tied it on his bleeding arm. 

"You're a doctor, you're supposed to take care of yourself, why did you drink so much and hurt yourself instead -"

"Thank you. You can leave your details at the concierge, I'll pay you back for this, sir."

No waves.

No emotions.

He didn't even address him by name. 

Just a professional smile, as if Joo Jaekyung was never his patient, as if they were never together, as if he was merely a stranger who did a random act of kindness.

Before any of them could react, Kim Dan had already taken the soup from DG, and addressed him and Alex, "Today's your flight, let me just eat and wash myself up a bit, and I'll see you at the lobby."

He then closed the door, leaving the three men outside. DG was the first to react and pulled Alex along to their room to finish packing.

"Is that psycho Kim Dan's ex?"

"... Hyung, keep your voice down."

Joo Jaekyung paced restlessly outside Kim Dan's door, before messing his hair up and combing it back, trudging slowly to his room.

He also had to finish packing.

* * * * * * * * * *

Inside the room, Kim Dan drank the soup all the while staring at the cloth tied on his arm. 

Why is he here?

How did he find me?

Why was he acting weird, as if he actually cares - Kim Dan listen to yourself, who are you for him to care about you?

His kindness... was and is something you could never afford. 

Kim Dan laughed at his fanciful thoughts before he untied the handkerchief, finished the soup, and proceeded to take a bath. He changed back to his casual wear - shorts, a white t - shirt, and a light hoodie, wore his shoes and packed the rest of his things before rushing out and hitting a solid wall of a person. 

He hissed at the impact, when a hand suddenly touched the reddening forehead.

"Don't rush. Be careful," the speaker awkwardly said, as the hand continued to stroke his forehead. 

Kim Dan's eyes widened as he stepped back and ducked to avoid the hand. He stared at the man before bowing and walking away, but he heard the man following from behind him. 

They rode the elevator going downstairs and Kim Dan dropped his gaze to the floor, avoiding eye contact with the man. When the elevator reached the lobby floor, he quickly stepped out and jogged towards Alex and DG. 

"We might have a hard time riding a taxi towards the airport, there's so many people outside. Turns out a celebrity's here, and it's not me," Alex huffed as he crossed his arms.

"...Do you want to ride with me to the airport?" A voice behind them asked. 

The three of them turned and saw the man who was standing in front of Dan's door a few hours back. He had changed to more casual wear, but he had a cap and mask on. 

He was asking them the question, but his eyes never left Kim Dan's. Kim Dan gave him his professional smile and told DG and Alex, "You can ride with him towards the airport. I'll wait until the crowd thins out -"

"If you're not riding with us, I won't give them a ride."

Asshole.

Bastard. 

Despicable, controlling scumbag -

"You're calling me names in your head, but the choice is still yours. Do you want your friends to miss their flight because they were taking care of you or..?"

Kim Dan sighed. 

"Dan, you don't have to, we can rebook," Alex coldly glanced at the man.

"We chose to stay, Dan. We can push our plans a bit and -"

"Sir, can we take you up on that offer?" Kim Dan smiled sweetly at the man, all the while continuously calling him names in his head. 

"Sure. But before that..."

Joo Jaekyung stood toe to toe with Kim Dan and bent his body until their faces were mere inches from each other. 

With a smirk, he said, "Call my name, doc. Introduce me to your friends."

A flash of anger before it was covered with a smile.

"Alright."

"Alex, DG, this is the famous emperor and tyrant of the ring, one of our countrymen, Joo Jaekyung."

How boring. 

That's it?

THIS is how you introduce people.

Joo Jaekyung suddenly wrapped his arm around Kim Dan, pulled him close and kissed him long and deep, almost lifting him off his feet. His tongue slid in, but Kim Dan bit it and both of them tasted blood. 

Kim Dan was the one who let go first. 

"You're still the first to leave, even at times like this," Joo Jaekyung whispered, before putting a light kiss on his lips, before steadying him with his arm.

Was it Kim Dan's imagination or did Joo Jaekyung sound sad?

"Doctor Kim Dan. My personal physical therapist, who breached his contract," Joo Jaekyung declared with a hint of both pride and possessiveness. 

Mine.

Chapter Text

Alex, like a protective mother hen, immediately pulled Kim Dan to stand behind him and glanced icily at Joo Jaekyung.

His lips are as soft as I remember them, but the doctor has learned to bite back. 

Joo Jaekyung licked his lips and smirked. 

"Thank you for the advance payment, doc. I'll drive you guys -"

"It's okay. I'll drive," Kim Dan replied, his voice devoid of any warmth. He patted Alex and emerged from behind him, walking squarely towards Joo Jaekyung.

"You know how to drive -"

"Where are the keys?"

"Give me a kiss and -"

Kim Dan grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down, their lips meeting once more, but Joo Jaekyung's eyes met with his and all he saw was... nothing. He couldn't even see himself reflected in Kim Dan's eyes, as if he didn't exist at all. Joo Jaekyung suddenly felt a sense of dilemma, before he realized that Kim Dan had already pulled away and already had keys dangling in his hand.

By the time Joo Jaekyung came back to his senses, the trio had already moved towards the back exit. He strode after them, their combined visuals giving a shock to the other guests. They arrived at the parking lot, where some of Joo Jaekyung's team members were waiting. 

"Doc Dan, hello. Will you be coming with us?"

A small smile and a warm reply, "Just up to the airport."

"Then how will the seats be arranged?"

"You sit in the other car, the doctor kindly volunteered to drive," Joo Jaekyung was still waiting for Kim Dan to meekly go to the passenger side, but the latter merely strode towards the driver seat, opened the door and calmly started the car. Joo Jaekyung opened the passenger seat and sat down, then jokingly said, "We have a flight to catch, can a noob like you get us there on time?"

Kim Dan suavely reversed the car, before driving them with practiced speed, ignoring Joo Jaekyung's attempts at conversations. 

I would rather you catch your flight than my feelings, sir.

* * * * * * * * * *

Joo Jaekyung suddenly had an epiphany that when Kim Dan left three years ago, he started to make silly little wishes. Silly, because for a man of his wealth, power, and prestige, he couldn't even make them come true. Little, because from extravagant wishes, they became more down to earth and concrete, as if they've been compressed and pulled down from some pedestal and all that was left were crumbs; but crumbs or otherwise, Joo Jaekyung would actually feel something akin to happiness if any of them happened. 

Where the hell is Kim Dan? 

I wish I know where he is.

Can't he at least call?

I wish he'd call.

Or even text ?

I wish he'd text.

Who does he think he is to leave?

I wish he never forgets me.

I'm home.

I wish he's here. 

It's time to sleep.

I wish I wasn't sleeping alone.

Is he in this island?

I wish I can find him

I found him.

Look only at me, Kim Dan. 

Talk to me. 

Stay by my side. 

Let's go home, Kim Dan.

After what seemed like numerous tries at a decent conversation with Kim Dan either purposely ignoring him or answering with conversation killers, Joo Jaekyung finally gave up and leaned back in his seat, but he found himself gazing at the profile of his driver from the corner of his eye. 

The way he treated everyone else compared to him was the difference between spring and winter - the presence of cherry blossoms and gentle sunlight, and the silent, falling, neverending snow. Joo Jaekyung almost found himself wishing for a change of season but thought better against it; if he could be treated differently by Kim Dan compared to everyone else, he'd take this 'special treatment'. 

Even if that meant being hated by him.

Winter always gives in to spring in the end, after all.

He just didn't know how long this winter would last. 

Joo Jaekyung shifted in his seat, and looked, really looked at his new found Kim Dan. He had propped his elbow on the window, as he waited for the light to turn green. He was humming a song, a small smile hanging on his lips as he looked at the seascape, the sunlight softening his features making everything seem dreamlike.

If this was a dream, then I want to sleep longer.

What came out of Joo Jaekyung's mouth was, "Do you remember the things we used to do in the car, doc?"

The atmosphere froze. 

"Well, congrats to this asshole for pushing Dan further away," Alex muttered.

"Hyung, at least you could still be saved," DG whispered back.

Joo Jaekyung shot them both a venomous look, before waiting for Kim Dan's answer.

"I always hoped that I could walk out of every memory I have of you, sir. Better yet, I hope I could forget everything... Including you."

The light turned green, just as Kim Dan briefly met Joo Jaekyung's eyes. He then looked away, and started the car started once more. There was a smile that wasn't a smile hanging on Kim Dan's lips, an expression that Joo Jaekyung never saw on him. 

"But without you, I wouldn't have been able to give grandma the best possible care with the time she had left. Regardless of my feelings sir, I'd like to thank you." 

"If you're really thankful, then why did you leave? You even breached your contract -"

"Was my repayment insufficient?"

"...It wasn't."

"I paid the breach of contract. I had saved enough to take grandma away," Kim Dan simply replied.

"You didn't have to quit. I can pay you more. In fact, I can hire you again now, with better pay - " Joo Jaekyung didn't know but to the two other passengers in the car, he almost sounded desperate...

Almost if he wanted Kim Dan back. 

Why didn't you tell me anything? 

I would have gone with you, if you asked.

Was it all about the money? 

Kim Dan laughed, but hearing it made Joo Jaekyung's chest feel heavy and he had a sinking feeling that he wouldn't like what Kim Dan would say next.

"We're here."

That wasn't what he expected.

Kim Dan parked the car and gently placed the keys on Joo Jaekyung's palm, before leaving with Alex and DG. Joo Jaekyung followed quietly behind them, until they reached the gates before check - in. 

"Alex, DG, you guys take care. Chat me if you plan on visiting again."

"Take care of yourself, Dan."

"Call if you ever need help with anything, doc."

The three of them hugged then separated, with Kim Dan waiting until he couldn't see their backs anymore before turning to leave...

And bumped straight into a solid, hard chest. Kim Dan staggered, but was pulled back and tightly encased in the man's arms, the noise muffled out by thundering heartbeats. 

If it was him of the past, he would overexamine each of his actions as signs of affection and reciprocation. He would have been over the moon thinking that he actually meant something and occupied a space in his heart, but Kim Dan had learned the hard way that Joo Jaekyung had no heart, only an organ that pumped blood around his body. 

The Kim Dan right now was just tired.

"Sir, can you let go -"

"No. Kim Dan, I'm not done with you yet -"

"But I am. Joo Jaekyung, I quit exactly because it was you." 

He pushed Joo Jaekyung away, before being separated by mobs of fans who had surrounded Joo Jaekyung, asking for his autograph and selfies. He heard his name being called, but he didn't stop nor did he look back.

Kim Dan trudged slowly, all the while gazing at his shaking hand, before clenching it into a fist and lowering it back to his side. 

* * * * * * * * * *

Joo Jaekyung usually enjoys the attention and fame brought about by his occupation, but when the doctor left him amidst the crowd, he realized he didn't need the world to know his name.

In fact, he didn't need the world if that person wasn't in it. By the time he came back to his senses, he was already on the plane that was taking him away from Kim Dan the island.

Kim Dan, this is not over. 

We... are not done yet. 

Chapter Text

"Grandma... take me with you."

"Silly boy. You have your own life to live. At least you wouldn't have to put your dreams on hold anymore, on account of me. So do what you want. You have lived your life for me, this time..."

"I hope you live for yourself."

"That... other grandson of mine, maybe you can save him?"

* * * * * * * * *

Kim Dan woke up with cold sweat on his back. He steadied his breathing and decided to get a glass of water to soothe his parched throat. The wind blew in from the opened windows and he shivered, before closing the windows and drawing the curtains. 

He hasn't dreamed of his grandma ever since she died - and only for her to tell him to watch over her other grandson?

Grandma, we're not even from the same family. He doesn't need anyone, much less anyone to save him, but he did save me when I was in trouble. 

I already paid him back, because money's the only thing I can give him, even if he doesn't need it. 

For him, I'm only someone dispensable and replaceable. Our paths have crossed and diverged - grandma, we were never meant to meet. 

Knowing that sleep was going to evade him, Kim Dan went up his rooftop and sat down, staring at the COVID rapid test that was turning up positive. With a sigh, he sent an email notification to the island head and supervisor, informing them that the doctor was going on isolation. 

It was my both my fortune and jinx to have met you.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Hyung, did you see Doctor Dan's Moments?"

"Not yet. What happened?"

The two pressed their heads closed together, unaware that someone who should be sleeping was listening in on them. 

What happened?

I just left. 

Can't he take care of himself?

Joo Jaekyung snorted.

I mean, I'm done. I've already found him, he's alive, and he walked away from being employed by me. I've done enough, my questions are answered so what more do I need? 

I don't need him. 

I can be without him just fine. 

He was the one who pushed me away this time. 

He was the one who walked out first.

***
Kim Dan was in his 3rd day of isolation when his doorbell rang. He was too lazy to stand up,and he knew that the delivery person would leave what he ordered at the door. The doorbell kept buzzing though, and Kim Dan thought it was one the things he bought online. He padded down the rooftop and opened the door without much thought when someone rammed into him hard,knocking the air put of him.

Before he could shout and call for help, his hands had been pinned by one hand on the wall behind him and the assailant was ravaging his mouth. Sometimes it was soft and gentle, but most of the time, the kisses were overbearing.

Joo Jaekyung had kissed him senseless, but Kim Dan did not stop struggling. 

"LET- MMF - GO! Joo Jaekyung! Let me - mmff - haa, haa - GO!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Joo Jaekyung choked him and held him up high, until he had tears and snot running down his face. His feet dangled as he swung them, looking for a foothold. He was starting to see spots, his vision going dark, before Joo Jaekyung carried him to one of the bedrooms and slammed him down on the bed. Before he could bounce off, Joo Jaekyung's body was already pressing down between his legs, and he ripped the doctor's shirt off. Joo Jaekyung leaned down and sucked on one of the doctor's nipples, while he pinched and pulled the other one. 

Kim Dan hated it - his own weakness, his powerlessness, and his traitorous body that had been tainted and trained by Joo Jaekyung's touch. He bit down on his lips, supressing his moans until they bled, and it wasn't he felt the cool air between his legs that his head cleared up a little. 

His eyes wide in horror, Kim Dan struggled with renewed vigor, but Joo Jaekyung was just too strong. A soundless scream as he felt something tear, and Joo Jaekyung had sheathed himself in Kim Dan without lubrication nor preparation. 

There was no gentleness at all, only the carnal desire to satiate lust. 

Kim Dan hated how Joo Jaekyung knew all his sensitive spots. Why does he remember what makes my toes curl? Why does he know where it feels best? 

WHY IS HE SO DAMN BIG, MY INSIDES FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO RIP. 

I hate myself the most because it feels good. 

Kim Dan, he knows where to touch because he has practice, but all you know are your moments with him. You won't be his first, last, or only. You're just another body count. 

****
Making love?

I don't need that. 

All I need is someone to fuck.

Joo Jaekyung pistoned himself with reckless abandon - this feeling, this power, this control - he missed this. Too caught up in his euphoria, it wasn't until he had emptied the last of his load in the doctor that he realized he wasn't moving. 

The doctor had his back to him, the rise and fall of his back the only indication that he was still breathing. Joo Jaekyung finally pulled out, and that was when he saw that the excess load dripping out of the doctor's abused hole had tinges of red and pink mixed in. 

Joo Jaekyung roughly turned the doctor around and his heart suddenly felt stuffy. The doctor was unconscious, but his face still bore an expression of pain and discomfort - his brows furrowed, his eyes were tightly closed, his cheeks full of tear streaks, his lips bruised and bloody. 

What shocked Joo Jaekyung was the marks that he had made on the doctor - his wrists were raw and red, his palms had crescent shaped nail marks when he must have clenched his fists to bear the pain, his body was filled with mottled marks of red and almost purple bite marks, love bites, and bruises. 

He almost looked as bad as when he was attacked by the loan sharks, but Joo Jaekyung made these marks himself.

So you will know who you belong to, doc.

When Joo Jaekyung touched the expanse of the doctor's abdomen and found his hand sticky despite his rough handling, it gave him a sense of fulfillment and triumph that despite how he treated him and how long they weren't in contact,he can still make the doctor release. 

You're still as weak as the day I first screwed you, doc. 

And just as sensitive.

And just as fragile.

"... Doc?"

Joo Jaekyung patted his cheek to make him wake up. 

"Kim Dan?"

Joo Jaekyung wanted to smoothen Kim Dan's furrowed brows, but when his palm touched his forehead, he realized Kim Dan was burning up.

Kim Dan groaned, then shifted himself to a fetal position, as he shivered and kept saying "Go away", "Leave me alone", "It hurts", "Stop it". 

"Joo Jaekyung, I hate you," he muttered. 

Joo Jaekyung quickly rose up and glared at the small figure that was doing his best to take up lesser space. 

***

If Kim Dan's inner demon had a name, it would be Joo Jaekyung. 

And unfortunately, it was also the name of the demon in the nightmarish relity he was in that refused to let go of him. 

As much as Kim Dan wanted to never wake up, he knew that the faster he can solve the problem, the better it would be. 

But would it be alright if he slept just a bit more? The cold that had seeped deep within his bones had been expelled. 

"Warm," Kim Dan mumbled softly, not knowing how he buried deeper in Joo Jaekyung's embrace, and how the latter's eyes for a brief moment, seemed to soften as he gathered the smaller man into his arms, kissing his forehead devoutly.

Chapter Text

Joo Jaekyung swore that he doesn't care what happens to Kim Dan.

He wasn't worried.

But he realized that when it came to Kim Dan, his body doesn't listen.

When he arrived at the airport, he went to the airlines office and booked a ticket back to where Kim Dan was. There were fewer flights and the fastest one still had a layover period, but he didn't care.

"I still have a month before this season starts. I'll be there, but right now I have to be somewhere else," Joo Jaekyung explained in a rare moment of patience.

"Fine, but make sure you do get here on time."

Donggyun and Jiwon glanced at Joo Jaekyung's retreating back, as he made his way towards the departure area.

"He's still an idiot but at least he's making a move. I hope the doctor won't let him in easy," Jiwon muttered.

"I agree, I should have made it harder for you, hyung."

"... No, no it was already very hard," Jiwon bent down and kissed Donggyun stealthily.

"It's just once you found what you're looking for, even if the mind forgets, the body will remember."

"Don't you mean the heart?"

"The heart is part of the body."

"... Hyung, are you going rhetorical on me?"

"... You do know when it comes to you, I'd lose gladly, as long as I don't lose you."

* * * * * * * *

You know I love you.

If you don't want to end up like those weaklings, you have to learn how to fight.

When you have power, everything else follows: money, fame, even love.

When you have power, you have the strength to protect.

But if you only have love... heh...

Love is a sign of weakness.

Until you have power, don't entertain such fanciful thoughts.

I mean look at those weaklings getting loved by different patrons.

Look how they broke.

You're different from them.

********

Joo Jaekyung rubbed his temples as the landing announcement sounded. He didn't have that dream for a while.

Love makes people weak.

Loving someone is a weakness that can be exploited.

When Joo Jaekyung arrived at the island, he saw a man carrying supplies and groceries entering the doctor's clinic.

He just left and suddenly he has someone else?

Joo Jaekyung waited until the man left, before storming over and pressing the doorbell. When the doctor opened the door, Joo Jaekyung pushed Kim Dan in and cornered him towards the wall, trapping those alluring lips with his. He deepened it, thrusting his tongue in, savoring the taste of the doctor.

Why is he struggling so much?

I could feel the bulge between his legs when I pressed myself on him.

Why are you denying me?

How dare you leave first, and act like this?

This thought angered Joo Jaekyung so much so that he lifted Kim Dan up by choking him.

Beg.

Beg for me, Kim Dan.

Stop your useless struggle, you're no match for me.

So if he's not your match, why are you here?

He threw Kim Dan on the bed and pressed down on him. He tore off the doctor's clothes, leaving him bare for the taking.

And Joo Jaekyung did take him - relentlessly, without preparation, hesitation, and permission.

This marked one of the worst mistakes Joo Jaekyung had ever done in his life.

In the same instant when Kim Dan also realized that the worst mistake he ever did was to love a demon in the human skin, with the name Joo Jaekyung.

Like a small boat in the midst of a storm, untethered and at the mercy of the waves, Kim Dan was flipped, turned over, and plunged in again and again and again.

He begged for mercy.

He begged.

He begged for release.

Let it end.

Or end me.

********

Joo Jaekyung gazed down at the state he had put the doctor in.

He made him like this.

So why does my chest feel heavy?

Was it something I ate?

Or my lack of sleep?

With a sigh, he lifted Kim Dan with unprecedented gentleness and patience, as he brought him to the bathroom to wash him down. The doctor was still and so silent, and he was shivering, but he was also burning up.

Joo Jaekyung quickly washed the marks of their activity off, his lower body reacting to the excess juice dripping off Kim Dan's abused hole. He poked a finger in and Kim Dan visibly flinched, so he quickly scooped what he could before pulling his fingers out.

Joo Jaekyung frowned at the blood he found.

Was the doctor too tight or too sensitive?

Was I too rough?

He dried them both off, before letting Kim Dan wear one of his shirts, leaving his bottom half exposed. He laid him down on the couch first, as he made quick work of changing the bed sheets and frowning at the red marks that dotted the sheets. They seem to be indelible marks accusing him of... something.

What an eyesore.

He rummaged his luggage and pulled out a cooling pad, sticking it on Kim Dan's forehead. He once more gathered him in his arms as he laid him on the bed, then pulled him closer, but all he could here was Kim Dan's rejection. He was about to take him again when Kim Dan suddenly cuddled closer to him, like a little animal seeking warmth in winter.

Joo Jaekyung sighed as he kissed Kim Dan's forehead and spooned him.

Why do you keep saying such heartless words?

Why can't you be more obedient?

I'm here, aren't I?

Don't push me away, Kim Dan.

Don't ask me to leave.

Don't leave.

*********

Kim Dan didn't want to wake up.

The real Joo Jaekyung was scary, but the one in his fevered dream was strangely not.

He still frowned a lot, but the way he was treated was as if he meant something to his former employer.

His kisses were light, as if they were afraid of waking him up.

The way he was held was an awkward position for Joo Jaekyung, but it gave him the most comfort - he could feel a part of Joo Jaekyung getting harder and warmer, but Joo Jaekyung just said, "How troublesome," as he felt his warmth enveloping him.

It was so warm and real that Kim Dan cried.

The Kim Dan in his dream could meet and talk with his grandma.

The Kim Dan in his dream almost feels like he was loved and treasured by Joo Jaekyung.

I don't want to wake up, I don't want to wake up, I don't want to wake up -

Joo Jaekyung was alarmed that Kim Dan was crying again. As Kim Dan opened his eyes, dream and reality overlapped as both Joo Jaekyungs said the same thing.

"Don't cry, Kim Dan. I'm sorry."

Chapter Text

Kim Dan merely blinked at Joo Jaekyung and turned his back on him. By the time he woke up, he was alone.

He felt sticky but his bottom half felt the brush of the cold wind and he felt the ache from behind.

So it wasn't a dream.

It really was a living nightmare. 

He tried to stand up, but his legs felt weak and the insides of his thighs felt sore. There were traces of white, but he didn't know if it was his or - 

"You're awake," Joo Jaekyung called from the kitchen and slowly walked towards him. He was about to lift Kim Dan, when he heard the rush of wind and a slap landed squarely on his face. 

"Get out."

Joo Jaekyung's head jerked up and he gazed at Kim Dan. His eyes had always been bright, and Joo Jaekyung could still see himself in them, but where once was starlight was now only indifference. 

As if Joo Jaekyung was merely a stranger. 

He has never been looked down like that ever since that time. He thought he had already conquered his past, but it came back to slap him hard in the form of Kim Dan. 

"Let me explain."

"I don't need to hear it."

"No! I didn't mean -"

"So your cock just found its way into my hole?"

"It's not like that-"

"Joo Jaekyung. I begged. I screamed. I didn't want it."

Joo Jaekyung wanted to hold the quickly reddening hand, not even feeling the sting of the slap. 

"Does your hand hurt -"

"EVERYTHING HURTS BECAUSE OF YOU! I WAS ALREADY FINE!"

Joo Jaekyung grabbed Kim Dan's wrist and pulled him into his embrace. The smaller man pounded on his chest, but he hugged him tighter. It wasn't long until Joo Jaekyung felt tears soak his shirt, almost going straight to his heart. He had been hurt many times, but Joo Jaekyung was already certain that nothing hurts as much as everything related to Kim Dan. 

While it was muffled, Kim Dan continued to vent and pound on Joo Jaekyung. With each confession and accusation, Joo Jaekyung felt himself almost irredeemable, but certainly an asshole. 

"I left, because even if I had that much money, grandma wasn't getting better."

"I left because my feelings were getting in the way,and I knew that I was just a doctor, but I couldn't help but get my hopes up. That was unprofessional of me, and I apologize for that."

"But we were already fine, I already paid the breach of contract, so why are you here? What more could I give you, what more can you take away from me that you already have?"

"And I realized that even if I have some happy moments with you, being with you, staying with you..." Kim Dan hiccuped, then took a deep breath as he continued.

"... loving you hurts more. The moments with you I treasured were so far and in between that I could almost believe that loving Joo Jaekyung is equivalent to self - harm."

"And I didn't even have to move, because you can do it for me. The great emperor of the ring, Joo Jaekyung, has gazed upon me, a mere commoner, but I can't afford to take it."

Joo Jaekyung didn't say anything, but only listened to the long buried wounds and worries, scars and secrets, in Kim Dan's heart. He couldn't day anything because Kim Dan WAS right. While he willingly agreed to be his doctor, the things he did to him went beyond being a patient. 

What was I trying to prove back then?

Joo Jaekyung didn't know anymore, but he knew that his undoing was all his doing - Kim Dan had approached him with sincerity and the best intentions, but all he gave him was pain, trauma, and heartache.

He may have the wealth, the fame, and the name, but it couldn't amount to one Kim Dan. 

And for his one and only Kim Dan, it finally became clear to Joo Jaekyung what he needed to do. He snapped back to reality when he realized that Kim Dan had stopped talking. He looked down and Kim Dan had fallen asleep. Joo Jaekyung smoothened out the furrowed brows and he sighed when he felt that Kim Dan was burning up again. 

That must have taken a lot out of him. 

Kim Dan always had a way of going above and beyond what he can do, even if he got hurt.

Kim Dan hasn't eaten anything yet.

I'll wash him first. 

Joo Jaekyung gently lifted him up and his lips quirked up when he realized that Kim Dan wasn't done giving him a lecture yet. 

He laid him on the bed, trying to ignore how seductive Kim Dan looked, and got a towel and some warm water. He kissed the stray tears that ran down his cheeks, committing to memory how bitter they tasted.

I should never let you cry sad tears again. 

He also brought that hand that slapped him and kissed each finger, the palm, and the back, also doing the same for the other hand. 

You shouldn't get hurt on account of me. 

Never again.

As he wiped down Kim Dan, Joo Jaekyung thought that the best solution for Kim Dan was if he left him in peace, but every time the thought of letting go of Kim Dan, or Kim Dan leaving crossed his mind, he felt a deep, dull ache in his chest. 

I don't think I can let you go anymore, Kim Dan.

I don't think my heart could take it if you weren't in it. 

He continued to wash Kim Dan, and dressed him (properly this time), before he prepared some porridge, washed up, changed, and laid down beside Kim Dan. 

He had been holding it for quite a while, but then he huffed in frustration, before encasing Kim Dan in his arms. The smaller man muttered for a bit, before finding a comfortable position and continued sleeping. 

Another part of Joo Jaekyung had become restless, but he paid it no mind. He swallowed to try and clear his throat, but found it getting drier. Ignoring his discomfort, he lightly kissed Kim Dan's head, breathing in his scent. 

"I'm sorry, Kim Dan. I'll make it up to you, I promise. But please give me a chance to make this right."

"Damn it, why is it easier to say when he's asleep?" 

Chapter Text

Kim Dan drifted in and out of consciousness, fever dreams and demons making themselves comfortable in his mind. It wasn't until a montage of his life started to play out did he rouse himself and jerked up, gasping for breath.

If that was a prelude to the end of my life, I don't want to watch it yet.

Besides I still have to live for grandma and I.

He was drenched in cold sweat, his heartbeat erratic, when something suddenly slid up his back and he reflexively swung his arm. 

Joo Jaekyung was caught unaware and grunted in pain, but continued to wipe down Kim Dan's sweaty back.

There was silence for a few more moments as Kim Dan was trying to blink the illusion away, but Joo Jaekyung was still there wiping him down, this time on his chest area.

"... Why are you still here?"

Joo Jaekyung didn't answer, but merely continued to wipe. 

"... You should leave."

The hand paused. 

"I don't need you, nor want you here."

The hand slowly started to clench the towel.

"There's no place for you here."

The hand had let go of the towel, and had grabbed the front of Kim Dan's shirt clenching it in a fist, but whether it was shaking from anger or something else can only be answered by the owner. 

"Don't say it," Joo Jaekyung said between gritted teeth.

"I don't love you anymore. Let go."

There was a stillness, except for Joo Jaekyung's ragged, heavy breathing.

Kim Dan knew that words were wasted on Joo Jaekyung because he never listened, but why was Joo Jaekyung acting like his words...

Hurt? From words? Joo Jaekyung hurt from his words? Individually the words made sense, but when put together in that sentence why does it sound confusing? 

Kim Dan was waiting for his outburst, but none came. Instead a shadow loomed over Kim Dan, as Joo Jaekyung stood up from kneeling and his hand suddenly reached out.

Ah, I knew he was never going to take it kneeling down.

Kim Dan closed his eyes reflexively, and Joo Jaekyung arm shook, before he slowly brought it down and felt Kim Dan's forehead.

**********

Was he preparing to get hit? Have I always been that kind of person to the doctor?

If Kim Dan had said he hated him, Joo Jaekyung would have been less agitated, but to hear that Kim Dan's love was exhausted to the point of leaving and letting go made him more panicked. Without meaning to, he started of thinking of ways to stay. 

"You still have a low grade fever."

"I can manage."

"I made, I mean I bought some food for you."

"I have groceries, but thanks."

"...Why don't you eat the porridge before I... go?"

I didn't know how much I hated the word leave until Kim Dan gave it meaning.

I didn't know that word -

"... hurts. I mean, I'll go after you eat. I promise."

"It's not like you actually keep your word, I mean you can't even understand the word 'stop' or 'it hurts'. The emperor of the ring is unstoppable and - "

"Kim Dan, let me make it up to you - "

"Don't. Just leave."

He's right, I'm unstoppable.

"WHY ARE YOU SO STUBBORN? HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO ACT LIKE THIS UNTIL YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE?"

Kim Dan gave him a smile that didn't quite change the indifference in his eyes.

Ah, shit. I screwed up.

"Then drop that act now."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

"Joo Jaekyung, I really don't care if it's an act or not, just leave. We can live our lives without each other in it."

"... Fine. See if I care."

"It's okay. I know it was an act."

Joo Jaekyung got his bag and walked towards the exit.

"I'm going."

"I won't see you out."

"... I'm really leaving."

"Okay."

"... Drink your meds. Eat. Stay hydrated."

Joo Jaekyung heard the patter of feet as the doctor went towards the porridge he made. The sound of the spoon hitting the bowl stretched between them, and Joo Jaekyung couldn't help but observe Kim Dan's reaction as he ate. 

"Wonder where he bought this, it's actually decent."

"I -"

I MADE IT. I WAS THE ONE WHO COOKED IT. But if I say it what if he'd stop eating?

"You haven't left yet?"

Joo Jaekyung stormed out and slammed the door shut.

He suddenly pumped his fist at a seemingly small win - 

Kim Dan ate the porridge I made and liked it.

I mean - I had almost three years of practice. 

Joo Jaekyung's lips were turned up slightly, but his eyes couldn't contain the joy he felt. 

While Joo Jaekyung was celebrating that small win, the curtain from the window fell back in place.

"What a fool," Kim Dan said to himself.

Joo Jaekyung gazed at the distance and started to head towards the pier.

"I still have a long way to go."

He opened his phone and posted at online forums anonymously, asking the same question:

"How do I chase my lover after being an asshole? Asking for a friend."

Chapter Text

"Oy! Young man! You, the big guy!" 

Joo Jaekyung scowled, realizing there was an someone trying to call his attention, but his gaze relaxed when he realized it was the ferry captain who took them to shore the first time around. 

He nodded, acknowledging the captain and was about to continue scrolling his phone when the captain suddenly asked him, "The doctor also kicked you out? I thought you and him were close."

Also?

There were others who stayed before him?

He stopped in his tracks and backtracked towards the sea captain, but latter paid him no mind as the captain busied about to prepare for the next batch of passengers. 

"I mean it couldn't be this guy, he's so far from the doctor's type. Looks rich though - " the captain drifted off, sneakily glancing at Joo Jaekyung and finding out he had his attention, then continued to think about what the doctor had said about the man he left behind. The more he remembered, the more the captain's face darkened. It was during the time when they threw a party for Kim Dan and his grandma, and they somehow got the poor doctor drunk. It was also then when they realized that maybe the doctor was carrying a heavier load behind the sad smile, and that the doctor could heal their wounds but they couldn't heal his heart.

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

The captain made his way towards the island's rest house - a mart and restaurant by day, and a lively night hub by night. He himself had ferried the celebrants across - a young man and his grandmother looking a lot like city folks who had enough of the city. From the many passengers he had, he observed that the young man seemed to be running away from something, because he had a jittery and nervous look about him.

He was just trying not to worry his companion. 

But they don't look like fugitives. Probably honest folks... especially the grandmother. 

Whatever it is he left behind must have taken a lot out of him.

The grandmother doesn't know about it though? 

Else, why does she look so relaxed?

Hmmm... that kid reminds me of myself when I first came here, heh. 

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

"Handsome."

"Looks regal and is proud."

"Commands attention."

"Basically able bodied and strong."

"Holds himself in high regard."

"Thinks he is always right."

"Someone who made me fall in love with his potential to be kind."

"Someone who didn't love me back."

"Someone who reminded me how weak and powerless I am."

"Someone who I thought painted me with his color, but it was just a stain... I was just a stain."

"Someone who I wish I never met."

"My jinx."

The doctor was fighting to stay awake and keeping his tears from falling but both were fights he was destined to lose. His head dipped and he pillowed himself with his arms, before his breathing evened out. The creak of the floorboards broke everyone's reverie as his grandma wheeled towards him. Her eyes also glistened with tears as she brushed back his hair and planted a light kiss on his forehead.

"Silly child. We shouldn't have left if you were going to miss him this much. You never needed to choose between us."

Grandma Kim pulled an extra blanket from her bag and draped it over her grandson. She wiped the tears on his cheeks as it continued trailing down.

"My grandson was never one to ask for the things he wants, nor does he fight for them. The only time he ever wanted so much enough to work for it was when he became a physical therapist, and it was to help give others another fighting chance... But that is a chance he does not give himself..."

Grandma Kim sadly watched Kim Dan as she twisted the ends of her coat in her hand. 

"But with my other grandson, his friend, Kim Dan started to slowly want someone for himself. I will not - I don't have the right to meddle in his affairs anymore but - "

Grandma Kim lowered herself as she bowed to the ones present and asked, "Can you help me send a hint to my other grandson? This is the only time...  And if it's not in their fate to see each other again... I only hope that both of them will not regret.“

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

Joo Jaekyung's eyes snapped open as the gasped for breath.

The same dark, suffocating dream from three years ago was back, but this was much worse; aside from the never ending stretch of Kim Dan walking away from him without looking back, he was not the Joo Jaekyung of the present.

It was his weak, younger self, the one who had the least returned punches but the most wounds and injuries.

Even his mind had started to mock him for failing to catch up with the doctor AND not being strong enough. He sat up and reached for a bottle of water, downing it all before throwing it in the trash. Knowing that sleep was going to evade him, he went out of the hostel he was staying in and took a walk towards the shore. As if the path has already been long memorized (how could he not be, this is where the doctor ＊ahem this is where he usually takes his morning and evening jogs, the beach is a public place), his feet took him towards the only clinic in the island, where the things he heard from the inhabitants ebbed and flowed with the waves of the sea.

"The doctor must have come from a very bad place because he was so timid when he arrived here."

"Yes, but despite his timidity, he was kind."

He never stopped being kind, he only stopped being kind to me.

"He really made a life for himself and his grandma here."

Joo Jaekyung felt... Hm... The feeling you get when you missed out on something? He brushed his hair back and snorted.

Him? Miss out on things?

Maybe a little.

He had everything he needed and more.

But why did he feel emptier than he was three years ago?

"When Grandma Kim died... It was like Kim Dan wanted to die too."

"It was as if the only purpose tethering him to the world of the living was his grandma.“

What about me?

"I mean haven't you ever wondered why this island put lifeguards and night patrols on duty until just recently?"

"We island folks, we know how to swim."

Joo Jaekyung's eyes widened as both the realization hits him and a cold, creeping sense of dread started to grasp his insides, as he sprinted towards the figure making his way towards the sea.

"KIM DAN!"