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Chapter Text

As the final session of the day ended, Rafael packed up his attache, ready to head upstairs for a nap.  It had been a long day; the conference had started at eight in the morning and it was now just after five.  He’d gotten some great information, picking up some new strategies for defense work.  He’d also met some terrific attorneys from across the country.  To be honest, that was his favorite part of conferences like this–getting to meet other professionals, men and women who shared his passion for the law.

It took several cycles for him to be able to get into the hotel elevator.  While not everyone at the conference was staying at his particular hotel, hundreds of them were, and the elevators just weren’t made for that level of usage.  By the time he got up to the seventh floor and into his room, it was nearly five-thirty, and he was exhausted.

Rafael grabbed a bottle of water out of the minibar and opened it, then took a long swig and sat down on the bed, facing the windows.  Chicago was a beautiful city, especially at night, and he had an incredible view from here.  Every time he found himself here, he always promised himself that one day he’d come back to visit as a tourist on his own time, but he still hadn’t made it.  Setting his water bottle down on the nightstand, he lay back on the bed.  He’d been invited to dinner by several friends, but it had been a long day, and he didn’t see himself going anywhere other than here, and possibly the hotel bar.

Quickly checking his texts, he saw there was nothing he couldn’t get back to later, so he hooked his phone to the charger and decided to indulge in a nap.

*****

When Rafael next opened his eyes, it was a little after seven in the evening.

The first thing he did was check his phone; there was a text from Carmen saying everything went well for the day and that she’d see him on Monday, and a voicemail from his mother.  Instead of listening, he facetimed her.

“There you are!” she exclaimed.  “We just wanted to say hello to you before bed.”  He watched as she scooped up his daughter, balancing her and the phone at the same time.  “See, Lucy?  It’s your papi!  There he is!”

Lucy squealed, reaching for him through the phone, and he chuckled.  “Hi baby,” he cooed to her, and she giggled.

“Pah-pee! Pah-pee!  Pah-pee get me?” she asked, tilting her curly-haired head to one side, and he chuckled.  No matter how much they explained, the barely-two year old had no concept of time.  Fortunately, she loved her abuelita nearly as much as she loved her papi.

“No, baby.  You’re going to stay at Abby’s tonight, remember?  Papi will come home on Sunday,” he tried to explain.  “Remember, baby?  Friday…Saturday…Sunday,” they chanted together.  It tickled him that she could say the seven days of the week but had absolutely no idea what they meant.

“Stay wif my Abby!” she repeated with a big smile.  “Bye-bye, Pah-pee!”

He watched as his mother set her down on the floor.  “I guess she’s done,” Lucia told him with a chuckle.  “Did you have a good day?”

“Oh, fine,” he replied.  “I need to grab a bite to eat, then I’ll do some reading, and I’ll be back at the conference in the morning.”

“That’s my son,” she teased, “always focused on the work.”

He chuckled.  “Wonder where I got it from?”

“I wonder!  Oh–” He could see her looking off camera.  “I need to get this child in bed before she rearranges my house!  Love you, mijo!” he heard, and he barely got out a “love you too!” before the line disconnected.

He let out a soft sigh.  It still surprised him how much he felt the need to see Lucy, to check on her, even knowing she was in his mother’s capable hands.  He’d never planned to be a father, never thought it would happen.  But when Celia had called him, letting him know that their casual affair during his time in Miami had resulted in a pregnancy, he’d braced himself and swore to do better than his own parents had.

And when Celia had decided, a week after the baby was born, that she wasn’t “motherhood material”, he’d managed to step up to the plate and ask for his daughter, instead of allowing her to be placed for adoption.  

So far, he hadn’t regretted his decision…not in the slightest.  Luciana Estrella Barba had brought a tremendous amount of love and joy to his life that he hadn’t known he was missing.  Rafael would be the first person to admit that he still had a lot to learn about parenting, but he had faith that he would get there in time.  Until then, he had confidence that he knew the most important thing about being a parent:  that his child needed love.  As long as he did his best to provide that, they’d be okay.

Smiling at the thought of her, Rafael picked up his wallet, phone, and keys, and headed downstairs to the restaurant for a bite to eat.

*****

He had a small meal for dinner and finished it rather quickly.  Checking the time, he decided it was still early enough to visit the hotel bar.  A little scotch to wind down never hurt anybody, he told himself, and left the restaurant to cross the lobby and enter the bar.

“McCallan twelve,” he ordered after taking a seat on a stool.  Glancing around, he saw that the bar was busy enough–not overrun the way it had been earlier, but still doing a healthy business.  Happy to add to it, Rafael thanked the bartender and took a sip of his favorite scotch.

“Didn’t expect to see you here.”  Rafael turned to look over his shoulder at the familiar voice, and couldn’t fight the smile that appeared on his face.  He’d missed Sonny Carisi, and every opportunity to see the other lawyer was a treat.

“Well,” he replied slowly, as Sonny took the seat next to his, “I just try to maintain a low profile, you know?  Being an ADA–or even a former one–brings a lot of unwanted attention for some of us.  Although you seem to be doing okay.”  He watched as the bartender set a double finger’s worth of scotch in front of Sonny, and the man took a healthy sip.  “Scotch, Carisi?” he smirked.  “Didn’t you used to drink beer with that sophisticated palate of yours?”

Sonny chuckled.  “I used to date a guy who introduced me to the finer qualities of a good scotch, especially after a long day like this.”  He took another sip, then shook his head.  “Don’t get to indulge in this kinda thing too often these days.  Other obligations, y’know.” He cleared his throat and tugged at his tie, then muttered, “Home, kids, a wife…”

 Rafael smiled at him wistfully.  “Be careful what you complain about, Sonny.  There’s something to be said for finding a person who can tolerate you for longer than a season.”  Picking up his own glass, he finished it, then motioned for another.

“I’m not trying to complain.  God, I’m not trying to complain, Rafi…I just…”  His face began to flush, and he glanced at the other man.  “I’m tremendously blessed, and I know that.  And I love all three of them, and their mother.  This is what I always said I wanted–what I thought I wanted–you know that.  Even Nicky.  I always wanted to be a father, and I’ve loved Jess and Billie as though they were my own, since they were born.  More than their biological fathers did, anyway…” Sonny paused to take another long sip.  “But a third…It’s a lot.  I wasn’t counting on a third.”

“Carisi,” Rafael said gently, “how long have you been here?  Drinking, I mean?”

Sonny’s blue eyes met his, and there was a sadness in them that Rafael had only seen a handful of times.  “A while…am I bothering you, Rafi? Would you rather I let you be?”

Surprised, Rafael felt his eyebrows arch.  Sonny had rarely shown the kind of self-awareness that would hint at recognizing when he was oversharing.  “No, of course not,” he replied.  When Carisi didn’t respond, he added, “I’m guessing you don’t get to unload on friends very often these days, huh?”

Sonny chuckled, gulping at his drink.  “You knew we had another kid, right?  Please tell me you at least knew we had another kid.”

Rafael nodded.  “I did.  I ran into Rollins at Fordham one afternoon, when I was finishing up my own class.”  He’d been teaching a course on ethics last semester, and all he could say is that somebody at that school had a strange sense of humor.

“She mentioned that,” Sonny replied, taking another glass of scotch from the bartender.  “Said she saw you.  Said you were looking good.”  Raking his eyes over Rafael slowly, he raised an eyebrow.  “She wasn’t lying.” 

Unsure of what to say, Rafael didn’t say anything, and soon enough, Sonny spoke up again.  “It’s overwhelming, all of it.  Work, home. I never expected to have another kid, Rafi, especially this soon.  Those girls were enough.  I woulda been fine without another kid…I mean, neither of us expected it, and boom!  There he is.  When it happened, I felt like a teenager, impregnating my girlfriend.  Completely ill-prepared and guilty as fuck.”  He sat quietly, spinning the glass between his fingers on the wood of the bar. 

Rafael gave him a sympathetic smile.  “But you’re not a teenager, Carisi.  You’re a responsible adult, and you’re making it work, right?”

Sonny rested an elbow on the bar, and his head in his hand.  “So far, yeah.” 

He gave a quick look at his old mentor as Rafael continued to work on his drink.  Rafael’s facial hair was significantly shorter than the last time he’d seen him, and overall, his hair seemed more gray, but that only made Rafael look more distinguished.  Tonight, the man was in a dress shirt he’d unbuttoned around the neck by two or three buttons; it reminded Sonny of how Rafael could never stand anything around his neck for longer than necessary.   He’d obviously gone to his room after the conference and lost his jacket and tie before coming to the bar. The open collar at his neck somehow seemed sexy, and it gave Sonny an unencumbered view of a bit of dark, curly chest hair.  

Sonny wondered if that old crucifix he used to wear all the time was still nestled in it.  

“Are you here with anyone?” Sonny suddenly asked, wondering if Rafael might have a partner somewhere else in the conference, or even tucked away in his hotel room upstairs.  He hadn’t heard that he had been dating anyone, but then again, it wasn’t like Rafael spent much time around the one-six anymore.

Rafael smiled, then finished off his scotch.  “What, you think I brought a secret lover to a work conference a thousand miles away from home?” he asked humorously.  “No, I’m here for work,” he shared. “You know, these terrific twelve-hour days that teach me how to be better at lawyering.”  Chuckling, he shook his head.  “I’m here for the networking, Sonny.  Going to these helps to keep me from being known as the formidable ‘baby-killing lawyer”’.  At least here, I’m the baby killing lawyer who put the baby out of his misery.”

Sonny blinked, shocked by the wording  “Rafael–”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael interrupted, turning toward him.  “I shouldn’t have said that.  That was entirely insensitive of me to say around a new parent…Sonny, really.  I’m sorry.  Definitely time for me to stop drinking.”  He met Sonny’s eyes for a moment, then motioned again to the bartender to sign for his room.

“Rafael, I’m not offended.”  Hesitantly resting a hand on the other man’s shoulder, he asked, “You wanna go talk upstairs?”

Now it was Rafael’s turn to look surprised.  “You, uh…you want to talk more upstairs?” he asked.  “I think I may be done with the law for today, Carisi…”

Sonny smiled.  “No law then.  Just catch-up time.  I heard Carmen is working for you again.”

Rafael laughed.  “Yeah, she is.  I never thought I’d rent an office big enough to include a room for daycare, but sometimes you do what you have to do.”

Sonny took his bill from the bartender and signed off for his room.  “I’m sure that’s true.  I bet the DA’s office would do better if they offered daycare on site.” 

“Now that’s an idea,” Rafael replied, trying to imagine what One Hogan would be like with a daycare center located somewhere inside it.  When he was there, they could hardly fit in all the lawyers.  “My room is upstairs, if you want to come up…or is yours here, too?”

Sonny nodded.  “Yeah, I’m on the fourth floor.  Four nineteen.  You?”

“Seven oh nine. Got a great view up there…” He paused, waiting for Sonny’s answer.

“All right,” Sonny grinned.  “We’ll take the room with the view.”

Chapter Text

“Chicago’s a beautiful city at night,” Sonny remarked, taking in the view from Rafael’s floor-to-ceiling windows.  “Too bad the city of New York doesn’t want to swing for its DAs to have a view like this.”

“Agreed.”  Rafael handed him a cup of ice from the ice bucket, and both men took a seat on the couch to the side of the bed.  They’d each grabbed a bottled drink on the way up so there wouldn’t be any more alcohol for the evening.  “Are you still enjoying being an ADA?  I hear you’re good at it…well, I know you’re good at it.  I’ve gone up against you a few times!”

He expected Sonny to chuckle, but he didn’t.  “You know, you taught me a lot about what I needed to know,” Sonny said quietly, looking into his glass.  “I can’t imagine what a mess I would have been if I had never had you to mentor me.”

One look at Sonny’s expression made it clear to Rafael that something was still weighing heavily on him.  “Hey,” he said, gentling his voice, “is everything all right?”

Sonny glanced up at him, then looked down again, biting his lip.  Rafael decided to give him time to answer, and after another minute, Sonny spoke.  “Have you ever…did you ever think that you wanted something your entire life, and then when you got it…”  He closed his eyes and shook his head, then pressed his fingers to his eyelids, turning his face away from Rafael.

Rafael watched him quietly, unsure of what to do.  He didn’t want to ask many questions; it seemed clear that Sonny was already overwhelmed by the questions he was asking himself.  Rafael didn’t know if this was a crisis in the other man’s professional life or in his marriage, but he promised himself as he sat there to try his best to listen.  Seeing tears beginning to fall, Rafael finally asked, “Sonny…how can I help you?”

Sonny shook his head, continuing to press his fingers on his eyelids.  “I don’t know, Rafael.  You can’t, really.  I did this to myself.  When I saw myself practicing law, I pictured myself beside you and a lot of other ADAs that shared your passion…shared my passion.  I’ve learned the hard way that most of them don’t.”   

“Yeah,” Rafael agreed, thinking back to when he’d figured that out for himself.  “That’s hard.  I remember when Rita left.  I’d just been in the DA’s office for a couple of years at that point, and I felt like I’d been thrown into the ocean with nothing but maybe those little blow-up things they put on kids’ arms?  Know what I’m talking about?” 

Sonny finally laughed, and Rafael felt himself start to relax.  “Water wings, you mean? Yeah.  It feels about like that,” he agreed, as they chuckled together.  “But it’s more than that, Rafael…it’s me.  It’s who I am, who I identify as,” he said, and Rafael could hear the tears in the other man’s voice.  “I’m forty-one years old and just coming to terms with the fact I’m bisexual.  You’d think I would have accepted that by now, wrapped my own mind around it.  Not like I’ve made it a secret. My family knows, my friends know…Amanda’s known for years. Hell, you and I slept together a handful of times. Not exactly a secret.”

They had.  Back then, Sonny had told him that he was the second man Sonny had ever been with, but Rafael had his doubts even then.  There was something about the younger man that seemed a bit too naive, too unsure for someone who supposedly had engaged in gay sex before.  Either way, the feelings he had for Sonny Carisi never seemed to be returned, and the casual fling they had ended as quickly as it started.

“I always thought back then that you wanted more,” Sonny was saying now.  “But it scared the shit outta me, to admit to anyone that I’d ever want a man for more than an occasional fuck, y’know?  It was one thing to have sex with a guy, but something completely different to build a relationship–a future.  I…I couldn’t imagine that. So I kept dating women.  The handful of times you and I were together, I realized so quickly that I could fall in love with you, and it scared the fuck outta me.  I couldn’t afford for that to happen, so I cut you off and I never had sex with another guy again.” 

 Letting out a deep breath, Sonny continued.  “I kept tellin’ myself it was time to commit, to make my life happen.  There I was, in my mid-thirties, with no wife and no kids and the church breathin’ down my neck, telling me how I needed to be married.  When I was a kid, I’d always thought that would happen for me, y’know?  And I really, really thought it would happen with the woman I was dating before Rollins.”  He chuckled, then nudged Rafael with his elbow.  “You woulda loved her, Rafi.  Smart, beautiful, funny.  Sexy and idealistic. I honestly thought we might end up married.  But we kept disagreeing about bigger and bigger issues, and the more that happened, the more frightened I got that it was all going to hell.  And just as I was on the precipice of making a decision whether to split up or not, Amanda kissed me.  It happened at Fin and Phoebe’s Not-Wedding…you know, the one you missed.”

Rafael nodded.  “Yeah.  I had planned to go, but something came up at the last minute.”  Mainly a baby with a fever, and no childcare, he thought, remembering how miserable Lucy had been that weekend, and how scared he’d been.  She was still an infant then.

“I swear, Rafi, when she did that, it felt like God had dropped the answer to everything on me.  I already loved the girls more than words, and had since they’d each been born.  And I loved Amanda, too…she’d been my best friend for years.  The thought of marrying her seemed to be so logical, you know?  I mean, how many people hope to marry their best friend?  And here was mine, suddenly expressing romantic feelings toward me–I’d have to be an idiot not to want that, right?” He barked a harsh laugh.  “Never mind that in all my life, I’d never had sex with a woman that came anywhere close to being as passionate as I’d experienced with you.  And I’d never felt love anywhere as close to what I envisioned I might feel if you and I had…I don’t know…” He pressed a hand over his eyes.

My journey has been so different than his…I’m not sure I really even understand, Rafael thought to himself.  He’d never tried to deny who he was, and while he’d felt the obvious pressure to marry a woman and have children, he’d always known it would quite likely not happen for him.  Even the few times he’d fallen in love with a woman, something in him always knew he would never marry one.  He was a bisexual man who leaned toward relationships with men.  It was that simple, and in his opinion, Sonny was the same.  It broke his heart to hear how much Sonny had struggled to recognize what Rafael considered a simple truth.

“I felt like getting married was the final step in becoming a grown-up,” Sonny was saying now, and Rafael passed him a tissue. Sonny wiped at his tears.  “I do love her, Rafi.  I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t love my wife, because I do.  But if I’m brutally honest with myself, sometimes I think I married her because of the girls.  You know how much I love Jesse and Billie, and always have.  I think everyone knows that. I can’t imagine a world in which I could love those girls any more than I already do.  As far as I’m concerned, those girls are Carisi girls.  They’re part of me and I’m part of them.  Amanda knows that.” He smiled affectionately at the thought of his stepdaughters.  “Y’know, blood doesn’t always make a family.”

Rafael nodded in agreement. “You’re right.  It doesn't.”

“I guess I thought I could just live this role of a straight man.  I mean, what’s the difference, right?  I already wasn’t pursuing anything with men.  And I thought getting married and having kids was what I wanted.   But then Nicky came along, a kid we hadn’t expected or planned for in the slightest, and suddenly our money is tighter than it should be, and Amanda and I are pickin’ fights over nothing.  We’re newly married, newly pregnant, struggling with our finances.  I’m in a high stress job and Amanda’s in a new job, and we’re all still trying to deal with the trauma from her being shot back before she left the one-six.  My entire new family’s a hot mess, Rafi.  And so much for intimacy–I dunno if  you know this, but when you’ve got a new kid and are stressed out over work and finances, the last thing your wife’s gonna feel like doing is fucking you.  And that’s if your dick will even cooperate.  So there goes any intimacy, too.”

“It sounds like you and Rollins are going through a rough time–” Rafael started, but Sonny continued.

“Uh, yeah…so we’re trying to save this trainwreck of a marriage we have, right? We can’t really afford it, but we swing for a sitter once a week anyway to spend some time alone.  So we were out at dinner one night a few weeks ago just the two of us, and we ran into Isaiah Holmes.  He and I struck up a conversation, and I guess during it one or both of us was flirting.  That’s what she said, anyway. When we got home, she just…she knew, Rafi.  Knew I was questioning my sexuality more and more. She flat-out asked if I was attracted to him, and I reminded her that I was bi.  Then she asked, “Bi or gay, Sonny? Because if you’re bi, we might be able to make this work.  But if you’re gay, we need to end this marriage now.”

“So what’d you tell her?” Rafael asked.

Sighing again, Sonny replied, “I didn’t know what to say, so I told her that to the best of my knowledge I’m still bisexual.  And ever since, I’ve been giving myself these tests, you know?  Looking at various women every day, trying to rate how attractive I find them, as opposed to different men I run into.  And in the meantime, I’m so stressed all I can THINK about is getting out of this joke of a marriage.”  Tears filled his eyes.  “I don’t believe in divorce, but I'm married to someone who does…who believes the opposite of what I do when it comes to more than I realized.  I just really fucked up here, didn’t I?”

Rafael squeezed Sonny’s hand again.  “Sonny, all I can tell you is that we all make mistakes.  I know you’re a good man…and I also know that it can be confusing to try to figure out who you are.  The other thing I know for sure is that life is short, and you don’t want to spend too much of it lost in regret.  I think Rollins would agree with that.”

Sonny turned his body slightly so that they were chest-to-chest.  “You’re the good man, Rafael,” he murmured, slow tears rolling down his cheeks.  Reaching over, he caught a forefinger and thumb between two buttons on Rafael’s shirt.  “If I hadn’t been so afraid…so fuckin’ stupid…” 

Rafael’s heart was thudding wildly in his chest, but as Sonny inclined his head closer, he suddenly thought of Rollins.  A memory of Amanda Rollins, years ago, standing outside the courthouse elevator and wiping the tears from her eyes. He had just finished examining her on the stand, decimating her relationship with her lover-slash-sponsor, Nate.  He’d gone to find her, and when he saw her at the elevator, he apologized.  She’d accepted, said she wasn’t angry with him. But he’d heard later that she’d left work that day and found a blackjack table that same night, and he’d never quite completely forgiven himself.   Maybe she’d deserved at least a warning before he blew up her life–and in public, no less.

He couldn’t–wouldn’t–hurt her like that again.

“Sonny.”  Whispered when their lips were just inches apart, Rafael forced himself to stop something he longed for.  “We can’t do this.  You’re going to regret it if we do it now.  I won’t hurt you, or Amanda, or any of your kids this way.”  Slowly, his eyes rose to meet Sonny’s.  “Please don’t ask me to.”

Rafael felt a warm hand cup the side of his face, and Sonny pulled back slightly, forcing a smile.  “Of course not, Rafi,” he murmured.  “You’re right.  I’m sorry.”

He felt himself let out a heavy sigh, and Sonny did the same, then stood from the couch.  “It’s late, and I should get going back to my room,” Sonny told him, again with that forced smile, and Rafael stood to walk him to the door.

“I’ll be in the restaurant for breakfast in the morning,” Rafael told him.  “Seven-thirty…join me?”

Sonny seemed to lighten then, a soft chuckle coming from him.  “Of course.  I’d love that.  And Rafi?” He turned at the door to face Rafael one more time.  “Thank you for listening to me.  I’m so sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.”

Rafael gave him another gentle smile.  “I’m fine, Sonny.  Just don’t be too hard on yourself, okay?  I know you’ll work this out…”

Sonny pulled open the door and stepped outside.  “Hopefully,” he replied.  “Anyway, thank you.”  Closing the door, Rafael found himself alone and exhausted again.  He quickly locked the door, then headed toward his suitcase to get changed into his pajamas.

Chapter Text

The phone was ringing and he was already running behind.  Reaching for it, he muttered to himself, “this better be good”.

“Mijo,” his mother said as a greeting, and he could hear the television on in the background.  “Lo siento, mijo, pera tu mami esta enferma.” (I’m sorry, son, but your mother is sick).  A gag followed, and Rafael winced. “Lucy’s okay…I tried Quinn but she’s out of town–”

He grimaced as the sounds of vomiting came through the phone again, followed by his daughter’s high-pitched voice.  “Abby, you otay? Otay, Abby?” He heard his mother groan and the toilet flush.  “Abby’s okay, mi dulce nieta…Rafi?” she said into the phone then.  “I hate to ask, but do you think–”

“Of course, Mami.  Let me call the airline and see how soon I can get back, okay?  I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

He ended up on an eleven o’clock flight back to JFK, and by two that afternoon, he and Lucy were back home in their apartment.  “Time for a nap, my sweet baby,” he told her, and she whined, slipping her thumb into her mouth.  He lay her in her crib anyway, and two minutes later she was asleep.  Rafael paused by her tiny toddler bed, just to look at her for a moment.  She was angelic, as far as he was concerned, and it made him smile. 

Stepping out of the nursery, he carried his luggage back to the master.  He was tossing laundry into his hamper when he got a text.  Fishing the phone out of his pants pocket, he checked it.

Sonny Carisi:   Hey, Rafael!  Missed you this morning and haven’t seen you at the conference.  Everything okay?  Wanted to check before I came to your room.

Rafael winced at the sudden realization he’d missed their breakfast date.  Feeling guilty, he quickly sent Sonny a reply.

1. Barba: Sonny, I’m so sorry.  I got an early morning call from my mother–she was sick and needed me to come home right away.  I guess my mind was so focused on that, I forgot to text you and tell you I wouldn’t make it.  I hope you enjoy the rest of the conference!

Sonny Carisi:   Omg, Rafi!  Is she okay?  She’s not hospitalized, is she?  What are the doctors saying?

1. Barba: Doctors?  It’s not that bad, I don’t think, lol!  Just a stomach bug is all.

Sonny Carisi:  Um…I guess I don’t understand…my ma doesn’t usually call me to leave a work conference if she catches a mild bug…

Rafael literally smacked himself in the forehead as it occurred to him that Sonny had no idea he was a father, too.

1. Barba: Sonny, I feel like the worst communicator on the planet just about now!  My mom needed me to come home because she was watching my daughter for me.  Yes, believe it or not, Sonny, I’m a dad.  I’m a dad to the smartest, funniest, cutest little two-year old in the world.  Her name is Luciana Estrella Barba, but we just call her Lucy, and she’s napping right now.  I guess we were just so busy talking about what was up with you last night that I didn’t tell you about her.

Attaching his favorite picture of Lucy, Rafael hit send.

There was no immediate response.  Realizing that Sonny may have been called back to whatever seminar he was attending, Rafael went back to sorting his clothes, then began the washing.

Before Lucy, he’d never done laundry in his life.  His dad considered it “women’s work”, so his mom always did it at the laundromat when he was a kid.  Once he was an adult, he sent it out–even as a broke college student.  It was something he’d always budgeted for.  But when he became the round-the-clock dad of a week-old newborn, his mother and his close friend Rita gifted a small stacked washer/dryer set that fit into his apartment.  “Trust me, mijo, unless you want to spend all your free time at the laundromat, you’re going to want this,” his mother told him.  It took him two days with his daughter to realize his mother was right. He sent both his mother and Rita floral bouquets as thank-you’s.

He’d just started the colors in the washer when he heard his phone again.  It was Sonny, responding to his last text.

Sonny Carisi:  Rafael, she is beautiful!  I never pictured you as a dad–I always thought you were kinda afraid of kids!  Does this mean you have a partner, too?  If so, I feel even worse about last night.  I hope you’ll forgive me and just forget that ever happened.

1. Barba: I don’t have a partner, Sonny.  I’m not even dating anyone right now, to be honest.  Lucy tends to take all my time–at least, time that isn’t spent working. A few years ago, after I quit the DA’s office in the city, I went to Miami for a few months to see family.  That’s where I met Celia, Lucy’s mom.  It was a casual thing but this beautiful baby came out of that.  Celia initially thought she wanted to raise her, but changed her mind, so I took her.  Best gift ever.

Sonny Carisi: For sure.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what I said last night, and I don’t want to leave you with the impression that I somehow resent or don’t love my son.  He’s just a baby, and none of this is his fault.  It’s just easy to think about how things were before and compare them to now…and he somehow always ends up in the “now’ part of the comparison, you know?

1. Barba: Sonny, I’m not judging you.  I’ve only been a parent for two years, and I wouldn’t dare think I have any idea of how to do your life better than you.  You’re a smart guy, but even more than that, you’re incredibly intuitive and compassionate.  I have no doubt that your son is benefitting from having a father with those traits. 

Sonny Carisi: Maybe. God, I hope so.  Amanda has made a comment or two about it, that I seem less attached or involved or attentive, whatever.  I’m also in a high-stress job that demands more from me than I knew was possible to give.  I just wish she understood that.  Hey, would you be interested in grabbing dinner or a drink when I get back?  Sometime next week?

1. Barba: I can probably do

“Pah-pee?” he heard before he could finish.  Looking up, he saw Lucy standing in the doorway to his room, rubbing her eyes with her little fists. “I wake up.”

“I see that,” he chuckled, holding out his arms.  She quickly toddled to him, letting him pick her up and set her in his lap.  “Did you have a good nap, mi dulce estrellita?” (my sweet little star)

She giggled and shook her head.  “No.”

Oh, that sweet little giggle.  It was his favorite sound in the world, and he equated it with nothing but pure happiness.  Every time he heard it, he got a warm, comfy feeling in his belly.  He hoped he would hear it a million times more.  “Ah, figures,” he teased.  “Nobody ever has a GOOD nap, do they?”

She shook her head, still giggling.  “No.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes at her.  “Is that your favorite word, Miss Lucy?  Are you gonna keep telling me ‘no’?”

“No!” she giggled, and he began to tickle her belly until they were both belly laughing and laying on his bed. As she rolled over, Lucy bumped into Rafael’s phone with her head.  “Ow!” she cried, rubbing her head and still giggling.  “Owie, Pah-pee!  Kissee?”

He leaned over and kissed the top of her head.  “Did you break my phone with your head?” he asked, picking up the phone and bringing up his conversation with Sonny.  “Oh thank goodness.  I think the phone’s okay.  It survived your hard head.”

“Wucy hard head!” she announced, rubbing the top of her head, and he chuckled, beginning to finish his text to Sonny.

1. Barba: Sorry about that!  Mi princesa awoke from her nap.  Her sitter stays late on Thursdays as a rule, so I could meet you then, if you’d like.

Sonny Carisi:   That would be great, Rafi!  Would that small Italian place on 35th and Central be okay?  Around seven?”

1. Barba: Great.  See you then!

Sonny Carisi: Take care, Rafi.  See you Thursday!

Just as he finished reading Sonny’s text, Lucy tugged on his arm.  “Pah-pee!  We get a snack?  Pease, Pah-pee?”

“Is that little belly growling?’ he asked her, giving her one more little tickle to her belly.  She nodded and giggled, and he scooped her up into his arms.  “Snacks it is!” he announced, heading into the kitchen, and Lucy giggled one more time.

Chapter Text

He was sitting at his desk, working on a question tree, when the door opened.  “Hey,” Quinn, Lucy’s nanny, greeted him.  She had Lucy in her arms and the diaper bag over her shoulder, and surprised, he checked the clock.  Sure enough, it was just past five.  “Carmen just left with Kellan, so I figured we’d head on home ourselves.”

Quinn was the yin to his parenting yang.  When he first met her, Lucy was a few weeks old and he was interviewing experienced nannies to care for his new baby.  His mother sat in because he had no clue what to look for, and he knew it.  They interviewed a wide range of people–nannies with years of experience; ones older than his mother and others just out of college.  By the third day, the interviews were all blending together, and Rafael was ready to just hire whoever his mother deemed most suitable for the job.  Quinn was their next to last interview, and when she walked through the door, her pink hair and piercings immediately caught his attention.  If nothing else, he figured the interview would be entertaining.  But color him surprised when she answered each question knowledgeably, and clearly impressed Lucia.  

They narrowed their choices down to two, an older woman who spoke fluent Spanish and had been a nanny for over twenty years, and Quinn.  Each candidate came over to spend a half-hour with the baby in front of Rafael and Lucia.  He’d been impressed with the older nanny.  She rocked little Lucy, sang lullabies in Spanish that he’d learned at his own abuelita’s knee.  But when she had put Lucy down and the baby began to cry, the nanny explained it was best to leave her be so she could learn to comfort herself.  Nervously, Rafael hurried her out of the apartment, then rushed to his baby. He’d read plenty of current books, as well as had talks with Lucy’s pediatrician, that were not fond of the “cry it out” approach.  “That’s how people used to do it,” his mother reminded him.  “A lot of people still think that’s the best way.”

Quinn didn’t speak Spanish.  She didn’t know the classic lullabies he’d learned  as a child.  But when Lucy cried, she immediately picked her up and cradled her close.  “What’s wrong, sweet Lucy?” she cooed, and at that moment, Rafael knew he’d found his nanny.  The fact that his mother fully agreed with his decision only made him feel more relaxed with his choice.

Most of Quinn’s time was spent in the daycare room attached to his office, where Kellan and Lucy spent their days.  Carmen’s little boy, now three, also had a nanny who split time with Quinn, which allowed Rafael to have Quinn work a longer day a couple times a week.  Having a few hours once or twice a week where he could meet someone for drinks, or have an after-hours meeting, was a godsend.  Tonight, he was going to meet Sonny Carisi for dinner, and he’d been looking forward to it ever since Saturday, when they’d planned it.

“I should be home by ten,” he told her, standing and walking around his desk to give his little girl a kiss goodbye.  “Does Papi get a kiss, baby girl?” he asked, and Lucy leaned over from Quinn’s firm grasp to kiss her papi’s cheek.

“Pah-pee, I wuzhoo!” she called as Quinn turned to head out of the office. “Bye-bye!  I wuzhoo!”

“Bye, baby,” he said, waving after them.  “I love you too, Lucy!”

Once they were gone, Rafael sat back at his desk, noting the work he intended on finishing before he left for the night.  If he focused properly, he should be done in an hour or so, which would give him time to change and get over to the restaurant.  He’d made a point to pack his favorite dark-wash jeans and a white button-down that was a bit more casual than his usual dress shirts.  His black leather jacket looked great with the outfit, and he couldn’t help but smile to himself at the thought of Sonny checking him out.  If he remembered correctly–and he was sure he did–Sonny would be checking out his ass every opportunity he got, and in those jeans?  Even Rafael thought his own ass was hot.

Grabbing a pen, he got back to his question tree.

*****

As soon as he entered the restaurant, Rafael saw Sonny sitting at a back corner table.  It was dark, with one low light hanging over the table in question, and candles lit on top of it.

Feeling his heart flutter, he suddenly realized Sonny had chosen this place for its romantic appeal.  Jesus, he thought.  No matter what, you cannot take this man home tonight.  Nobody’s getting lucky tonight, Rafi.  NOBODY, he told himself firmly.

Sonny stood to greet him, smiling ear to ear with those beautiful dimples on display.  “Hey,” he said, patting Rafael on the shoulder.  Sonny’s hair was looser than usual, and those blue eyes were sparkling.  He had on skinny jeans, a forest-green henley, and his own black leather jacket.  Rafael’s mind not-so-helpfully supplied a memory from a few years back, the two of them in his foyer, wrapped around each other with their tongues tangled.  Rafael could remember pulling that very same jacket off Sonny’s body as they made their way toward the bedroom.  

Traitor!, he told his brain, as Sonny grinned and offered him his choice of seats at the table.  They ended up sitting across from one another, with Rafael against the wall and Sonny facing him.

“You look terrific,” Sonny complimented him again, “as always, though.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Rafael Barba look anything other than hot.”

Rafael awkwardly chuckled.  “Not quite,” he replied self-deprecatingly.  “I remember now…you never spent the night.  I’m pretty rough in the morning.”

They both grinned as the waiter approached the table with a bottle of wine.  “I took the liberty of ordering for us tonight,” Sonny told Rafael.  “This Chianti is one of my favorites.”  The waiter poured Sonny a small bit, and Rafael was impressed, watching as Sonny swirled and sniffed, then tasted, before giving a slight nod toward the man to fill the glasses.  That was a level of sophistication that he didn’t realize Sonny had.  He’d learned those types of things from Rita, many years ago, in an effort to fit in better with upper-class attorneys and clients.  He supposed Sonny had learned the same.

And Sonny certainly had developed a discerning palate.  “This is delicious,” he remarked after taking a sip. The waiter returned to the table with an appetizer, just as Sonny smiled.

“It goes well with the food we’ll be having tonight,” Sonny told him.  “I know you were expecting Bud Lights, but every once in awhile I do takeout from somewhere other than McDonald’s.”

Rafael chuckled, taking another sip.

“Although, God knows, with three kids it seems I eat McDonald’s way more than anyone over five years old should,” Sonny admitted, and they both laughed again.  “You need to try this,” he said then, sliding the appetizer plate toward Rafael.  “Have you ever had Fritto Misto before?” he asked, and at a shake of Rafael’s head, Sonny explained.  “It’s delicious here…I think you’ll enjoy it.”

Rafael put a bit of the appetizer on his plate to taste.  Sonny was right–it was different, unique…salty and lemony and sang to his taste buds.  “So how did you learn about this place?”he asked, taking another bite.

“Nicole and I found it,” Sonny replied.  “She was the woman I dated before Rollins.  You remember, the one I told you about?  Smart, funny–”

“Nicole?” Rafael repeated, feeling the color drain from his face.  Unbelievable…we even slept with the same woman?  No, it can’t be Nicole Harper, he told himself, thinking of the short affair he’d had earlier in the year.  “Nicole who?”

“Nicole Harper,” Sonny replied, popping a shrimp into his mouth.  “Why, have you heard of her?”

Rafael cleared his throat.  “Yeah, something like that,” he returned.  “So, uh, how’s work been this week?” he asked, hoping to divert the conversation to another subject.

Sonny nodded.  “Better.  Much better.  I think the conference helped to take some of the pressure off, y’know?” He took another bite of his appetizer.  “That and talking with you.”

Rafael smirked, then sipped his wine.  “How’s Rollins?”

“Okay.” Sonny drained his wine glass, then set it down, and Rafael knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.  “We’ve decided to separate.”

Rafael’s fork stopped halfway to his mouth.  “Jesus, Sonny.  I’m so sorry.”

Pouring himself and Rafael more of the wine, Sonny shook his head.  “I’m not.  I spent a lot of time thinking about our conversation Friday night.  It seems to me the worst thing I could do, the most unforgivable thing for everyone, would be to just ride the fence, unsure of what I want or need to do, and not doing anything .  I came home and talked to Amanda about it, and we both agreed it was time to separate.  We’ll give it six months to see if we change our minds, but…”  Sonny shook his head again.  “I’m moving out this weekend, and we both agreed to see other people.  Rafi, I don’t want to lose her friendship by trying to force something that isn’t working, y’know?”

“Yeah” Rafael replied slowly, “as long as neither of you feel like you’re rushing this.”  He thought about their conversation the week before, and if he was honest, all the signs had seemed to be there, even without Sonny hitting on him.  Sonny had shared how he and Isaiah Holmes had flirted–in front of Amanda, no less–and if that didn’t send a strong message about the end of a heterosexual relationship, he didn’t know what did.

Shaking his head again, Sonny said, “I really don’t think we’re rushing.  Amanda’s feeling the same way, I think.  She knows that I’m struggling with my…my identity, I guess…and she doesn’t want to be caught in purgatory with me.”  He glanced up at Rafael, then focused back on his plate.  “I did mention to her that I ran into you, and we had talked.  But I told her that we just talked, and it was helpful.”

Rafael hadn’t meant to say anything that would encourage his old friends to head toward a divorce, but he was terribly afraid he might have.  Then again, Sonny sounded so certain now, and from his words, Amanda did too.  As he was processing things, the waiter appeared with two large plates of food.  The scent automatically had Rafael’s mouth watering.  “Thank you, Dante,” Sonny told the waiter with a smile as he put a plate in front of each man.  “Sorry if I took too many liberties here,” Sonny told Rafael then, “but I really wanted to share this with you…it’s their sampler plate, and the food is to die for.”

Sonny wasn’t kidding.  The plate was full of delicious dishes, many of which Rafael had not had before.  Sonny walked him through, from the risotto to the braciole and cioppino, to the more familiar pork milanese and spaghetti bolognese.  By the time they finished sampling, Rafael was stuffed and could honestly say he hadn’t had a more delicious meal in years.

“You realize you’ve won yourself a night at my favorite Cuban restaurant, right?” he teased, putting his fork down and sighing.  “Two Cuban abuelas run it, and they’re plenty good at stuffing you, too.”

“Oh, I believe it!” Sonny chuckled, motioning for Dante to remove their plates.  “There’s still dessert, so try to find room.”  As Rafael let out a groan, Sonny chuckled.  “How’s your princesa, by the way?”

“Oh, she’s good,” Rafael told him, grateful to think about Lucy instead of the pain Carisi and Rollins were in.  “She’s at home with the nanny.  Quinn’s been watching her since she was just a few weeks old, so as far as Lucy’s concerned, she’s just part of the family.”

Sonny nodded.  “That’s so great you found someone like that,” he said, as Dante put a cup of espresso and a slice of tiramisu in front of each of them.  “Amanda hasn’t been that lucky, I don’t think…she’s had a variety of different sitters for the girls over time, and some days it feels very  patchwork to me.  Billie and Nicky are in daycare, and Jesse goes when she gets out of school.  Then we have a sitter who picks them up and brings them home on days that we can’t.  Jesse hates the daycare–she says they treat her like a baby.  And Billie doesn’t like the sitter.  She says the sitter is mean to her, but honestly, Rafi? I think the sitter just stands up for herself.   Billie, uh…how do I say this politely…likes to be the boss?”  At that, Rafael choked on his water and they both laughed.  “I mean, Rafi, not a day goes by that that girl doesn’t try to tell me how things should go.  Sometimes I think we both allow too much.  Amanda’s always been so sweet and kind with her, and just gently reminds her that she has to be kind, but do you know how hard it is to remain mature when a four-year old is treating you like you’re a moron?”

Rafael bit back a laugh.  Honestly, he couldn’t picture that yet, but his mother had promised him it was on its way if Lucy turned out to be anything like him.  “What do you mean?” he asked, wondering if Sonny was really just feeling a bit oversensitive.

“For example!” Sonny began, sounding as though he were presenting an opening statement in court, and Rafael immediately knew this was going to be a losing battle with hilarity.  “They had a little carnival at the daycare last month.  I was running late from work and figured I’d just wear my suit, because I didn’t have time to change. No big deal, right? Amanda and I gather up the girls and Nicky, and we all head out to the car. I’m about to put her in, and Billie looks me up and down, and says, ‘You’re going wike dat?’.  I said, ‘Uh, yeah…I don’t have time to change.’  First mistake–justifying my wardrobe choices to someone who can’t color coordinate yet!” Rafael tried his best to restrain the laughter bubbling up in his chest, but Sonny continued. “And I’ll be damned if that kid didn’t look me up and down again, Rafi!  Then she says, with her little four-year old lisp, ‘Otay, but don’t wook at ME when all da kids fink you’re a dork.’”

Rafael clapped a hand over his mouth automatically to stop himself from bursting into belly laughs.  The last time he’d seen Billie Rollins, she’d been a tiny thing, barely two years old, much like his own Lucy was right now.  Sonny had said she was almost five now, and Rafael could not imagine being put in his place by a mini-Amanda Rollins.  “Oh my God, Sonny,” he got out, eyes tearing as he laughed.  “Did Amanda say anything?” he asked, truly curious if the girl’s mother had reined her in at all.

“Of course she did!” Sonny told him.  “She looked at her as though she were greatly disappointed and said, ‘Now Billie, we don’t talk that way to adults, especially Uncle Sonny.  That hurts people’s feelings.’  Nice, right?  So I go to buckle the little mistress into her seat, and when I go to pull back, she grips my wrist, staring me in the eye.  So I ask, like any normal person…I ask her, ‘Billie, what are you doing?’ and she says, ‘Just watchin’ to see if you’re weally gonna cwy.  Momma says you’re gonna cwy wike a baby, an’ I wanna see.”  

Sonny was shaking his head as Rafael tried desperately to control his chortling.  Despite acting annoyed, something told him that Sonny absolutely adored Billie’s difficult behavior.  Maybe it was the tone he used when he talked about her, or maybe it was the fact he’d been smirking the entire time.  Either way, Rafael had no doubt that Sonny loved that little girl tremendously.

“In all seriousness, though,” Sonny started again, his face taking on a look of concern that hadn’t been there before, “the problems we have aren’t just with me and my identity.  Like I told you before, we both have very different ideas about parenting.  I don’t like the kids having different caregivers, and I don’t particularly care for the whole idea of daycare.  I also don’t think any kid should be talkin’ back to any adult with no consequences. ‘Manda’s an incredibly loving mom, but she’s just so lenient, Rafi.  And it’s hard to find a balance.  Jesse and Billie are hers, and as much as I wanna claim them as mine, technically they’re not. I’m not their disciplinarian unless she’s not around.  And it’s uncomfortable for me to try to discipline them, especially since she doesn’t think they should have any consequences.  And I can’t help wondering what things are gonna be like with Nicky, when he gets older.  I never got into a lot of trouble, but that was because my parents never allowed it, y’know?  It’s hard.  She’s comin’ from a background with parents who were addicts and dysfunctional as hell, so I get why she doesn’t want to be firm with them, I really do.  But at the same time, we gotta do more than coddle them…at least I think so.”

Rafael nodded.  “Parenting is hard,” he mused.  “I don’t think there’s one right answer, you know?  Have you talked with her about all of this?”

“Yeah, of course.” Pushing his leftover tiramisu around with a fork, Sonny sighed.  “How is it possible that you can know someone for so long and still not know how differently you see basic issues?” Smiling then at Rafael, he said, “Hey, I’m sorry for carrying on like this.  This is two conversations now that we’ve talked about my crazy life, and we haven’t really talked about you at all!  How’s life treating you these days, Rafi?  I mean, you look fantastic and you seem happy…”

Rafael smiled.  “I am.  I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, I think,” he admitted, taking a sip of his after-dinner espresso.  “It’s just a different speed these days, you know?  I’m not racing against the DA’s clock anymore.  The main clock I follow is Lucy’s–my daughter’s!” 

Sonny grinned.  “I would love to meet her,” he said.  “You know, when you feel comfortable with it.”

“Maybe we could arrange a play date sometime,” Rafael suggested, trying to imagine all the kids together.  “Do you still take the kids to the park?”

“Of course!” Sonny told him with a grin.  “The girls love it, and even Nicky’s happy if it’s a pretty day…we just lay a blanket out for him to crawl around on.  He’s startin’ to move a bit quicker these days.  I’m not sure I’m ready for him to be walking yet!”

“Better GET ready,” Rafael told him, teasing.  “You know how fast that happens.”

“Blink of an eye,” Sonny remarked, and they finished their espresso and tiramisu with relaxed conversation.

*****

“So thanks for meetin’ me here tonight,” Sonny told him as they wandered down the street afterward.  Rafael had just called an uber; Sonny was going to catch a cab in a few minutes.

“Oh, I was happy to!” he replied.  “I’ve missed seeing you.  This was…nice, Sonny.  I enjoyed it.”

Smiling warmly, Sonny stopped walking and turned toward Rafael.  “Me too, Rafi.”  His blue eyes gazed sweetly into Rafael’s green ones, and Rafael could feel his pulse quicken.  “So, uh…I move out on Saturday…I’m movin’ into a small studio spot not too far from work, but I, uh…I was wondering if maybe I could take you out sometime?  I know we didn’t call this anything but dinner, but I’d like to take you out on a date.  A real official date, once I’m officially, you know, separated.”

Rafael nodded, excited at the thought.  “I’d like that, Sonny.”

Sonny nodded, just as Rafael’s uber pulled up.  “Could I, uh…kiss you?”

Knowing that Sonny was heading home to his wife, Rafael shook his head no.  “Not tonight, Sonny,” he answered, also aware of the car waiting for him.  “Next time, I promise.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it, then,” Sonny replied, then reached over and opened the door to the uber.  “Have a good night.”

“You too, Sonny,” he said, smiling, then climbed into the car.

Chapter Text

“Hey,” Rafael said as Sonny opened the door.  “I brought you a housewarming gift.”  Suddenly hearing the sound of children, he added, “I hope this isn’t a bad time.”

“Of course not!” Sonny told him, grinning and opening the door for him to enter.  “You remember my sister, Bella…and you know Jesse and Billie.”  Sonny motioned to each person as he said her name, then tickled the one that didn’t look familiar and swung her up in his arms.  “And this little one is Rosie…she’s Bella and Tommy’s oldest.  You guys remember Rafael, right?”

“I do!” Jesse said, smiling shyly in his direction.

A tiny blonde who looked exactly like Amanda Rollins piped up.  “I don’t!” she said, and her older sister glared at her.

“That’s not nice, Billie!” Jesse admonished.  “That’s Uncle Rafi, and he’s one of Momma and Uncle Sonny’s friends from even before you were borned!”

Billie impressively raised one eyebrow, giving him the once-over.  “You even knowed my momma?” she asked. “What’s her name?”

Rafael glanced at Sonny, then back at the little girl.  “If I remember correctly, her name now is Amanda Rollins-Carisi.   But when I knew her before, her name was Amanda Rollins,” Rafael answered, raising an eyebrow of his own and smirking.

Billie nodded, then held two thumbs up.  “Good work, mister.  You weally DO know my momma’s name!”

“All right, girls,” Bella told the little ones, “get your things!  We’re going to go home so Uncle Sonny can get used to his new house and visit with Uncle Rafi.  Say goodbye!”

Rafael watched as Sonny gave each little girl a kiss on the cheek and a hug, then did the same to his sister.  “Love you, Bells.  Thanks,” he told her with a warm smile, and Bella returned  a smile to him.  Heading out the door, she winked at Rafael.  “Good to see you, Uncle Rafi,” she teased, and Rafael was reminded of how close Sonny was to his sisters–Bella in particular.  He was sure she’d probably already gotten the scoop on their Thursday night dinner.  

Once the door was closed, Sonny locked it and let out a long, heavy sigh before turning around.  “The girls wanted to see where I’d be living,” he explained.  “We knew this wasn’t going to be easy on them, but I don’t think either of us realized Billie would take it so hard.  She cried a good bit last night.”  He took a seat on the old, plush couch that was pushed against the end of the bed.  “She did better once she saw everything here.  She was worried I wouldn’t have a bed, or any food.” He chuckled.  “She actually inspected my refrigerator.”

Rafael smiled at him, taking a seat on the other end of the couch.  “Kids are funny like that.” He handed Sonny the package he’d been holding.  “Maybe this will help.”

“Yeah?” Sonny asked curiously, opening the box.  Inside was a three-section frame, room for a photo of each of his children.  Sonny examined it thoroughly, biting his lip the entire time.  “I love it, Rafi.  And yeah, I’ll get a picture of each of ‘em in here as soon as I can.  They’ll love it.”

“That’s Lucy’s favorite part of my office,” he shared.  “She loves to see her photo.  I only keep one in my office, on the far side of my file cabinet so most people don’t even know it’s there.  Habit from working with crazed psychopaths, I suppose.”  They both chuckled for a moment.  “The important thing, though, is Lucy knows it’s there.  She knows her papi has a picture of her in the office, even if nobody else does.”

Sonny was gazing at him now with damp eyes, as though he were seeing something he hadn’t before.  “I don’t know, Rafael,” he sighed.  “I just never pictured you before as being such a loving, sweet parent.  It’s so obvious to me how much you love that little girl…”

Rafael smiled again, feeling a bit embarrassed.  He knew a lot of people had never pictured him as a loving father, but he tried his best.  He hated thinking that the Sonny from five years ago thought him so incapable of loving a child.  Deciding to let it go for now, he remarked on Sonny’s relationship with his stepdaughters. “Well, everyone has always known how much you loved Jesse, and Billie too, once she came along.  Hey, isn’t it funny how we both have turned into dads now?  Five years ago, the law was all we had to talk about, and now—”

Sonny’s lips landed on his in a soft, passionate kiss, and Rafael found himself relaxing into the other man’s body.  He wrapped his arms around Sonny, tangling his fingers into the man’s  silver-streaked hair.  Sonny was gently tugging at Rafael’s dark hair with one hand, and his other was making its way up and down his back.  Before he knew what was happening, Rafael found his back against the seat of the couch and Sonny’s body on top of him, pressing against his.

Sonny’s leg slid between Rafael’s thighs, and a moment later, Rafael could feel the other man slowly grind down against him.  Fuck, his brain supplied, reminding him how good it felt to be in this position.  He hadn’t had sex in months as it was, but it had been even longer since he’d been with a man.  He remembered how hesitant Sonny had been when they’d hooked up before, always counting on Rafael to lead no matter what they engaged in.  Now, though? Sonny seemed confident all on his own, and Rafael couldn’t help but find it sexy as hell.

He was sucking on Sonny’s neck, hands sliding slowly under Sonny’s shirt and stroking his back when he felt a hand slip under his own shirt and focus on a nipple.  Rafael sighed, licking at the spot he’d just left, and arching his chest up against warm fingers.  Sonny tugged and rolled the tiny nub as his teeth nibbled on an earlobe, and Rafael let out a soft moan.

“Can I take off your shirt?” Sonny whispered, and Rafael nodded, lifting his back up from the couch so Sonny could reach behind him.  A moment later the shirt was off and tossed to the ground.  Rafael gave a gentle tug to Sonny’s tee, planning to remove it himself, but the other man beat him to it. Rafael saw it go flying, landing on the corner of the coffee table.  They both laughed.

“Some things never change,” Rafael teased, pulling Sonny down by the hair to find another spot to suckle on.

“Are you kidding?” Sonny returned, grinning.  “Five years ago you woulda kicked my ass for dropping your shirt on the floor!” His icy blue eyes focused on the chest in front of him, nipping and licking at both nipples in turn.  As Rafael continued to let out soft moans, Sonny did the same in response.  “I remember how sensitive your chest was, especially your nipples,” he murmured, continuing to fondle and tease.  “I’ve had fantasies about this, Rafi.  You’re so fucking beautiful.”

“Says the perfect blue-eyed blonde,” Rafael got out, pushing his head back against the couch to arch his chest even more.  “Ah, Sonny…feels so good…”  With those words, Sonny ground against him again, and Rafael returned the motion.

He hadn’t come over planning to get laid, but it was obvious now that Sonny’s thoughts were different than his own.  Rafael could feel Sonny’s mouth sucking and licking on his chest, then his stomach, and his hand began working on the belt Rafael was wearing.  “Rafi,” he murmured as Rafael’s fingertips ran through his hair, “I wanna blow you, baby…is that okay?  Just wanna make you feel so good..” 

Sonny’s voice sounded far away as Rafael rode the pleasure of the touches he was receiving.  Then he heard the belt unbuckle and felt his jeans unsnap, and suddenly he was back in the moment, trying to process what had been said.  “What?” he asked again.  “Sorry…what’d you say?”  

Sonny chuckled deep in his chest and sucked another lovely mark on Rafael’s lower belly.  “Oral,” he murmured with a grin, then nipped the skin under Rafael’s belly button.  “I wanna blow you, baby…you know, give you head, a blowie, a smoothie, a hummer, bob on your knob, slurp your gherkin–”

“Oh my God, stop!” Rafael burst out laughing.  “Sonny…God,” he gasped, as Sonny sat up on the edge of the couch, still grinning at him.  Rafael tried to calm his laughter down.  “Honestly, I thought I was just coming over to see your new place, and give you a present…maybe get a kiss, if I was lucky…”

Sonny winked at him.  “Aren’t you glad to know how lucky you are?” he asked, and slowly ran the palm of his hand over Rafael’s chest, down his stomach, to his abdomen.  Rafael shuddered.

“Sonny,” he murmured softly, unsure if he was giving a warning or a plea.

“Please?” Sonny asked softly.  “The handful of times we were together, I was too…I don’t know, nervous, unsure…I want to try again.  Sweetheart, I wanna make you feel good…you’ve been so good to me in the last couple of weeks.  Let me be good to you.”

Rafael closed his eyes and swallowed hard.  “Yeah, okay.  I just…I have to get back home in a little while..”

Sonny chuckled, sliding Rafael’s jeans and boxer briefs down.  “I’ll be quick, then,” he teased, and a moment later Rafael’s cock was enveloped in the wet warmth of Sonny’s mouth.  He glanced down, getting a view of the perfect pink lips wrapped around him, then lay his head back and closed his eyes.

He had few memories of Sonny trying this before; back then, he’d been awkward and nervous, experience clearly limited.  Rafael remembered how he’d licked slowly, avoiding the slit, before finally taking the tip of him in and bobbing with shallow movements, then giving up completely.  The Sonny he remembered was not the same man as the one going down on him now, he realized, as Sonny paused and pulled off, holding Rafael’s cock between two fingers.  “Mind if I take this out?” he asked, lightly flicking the silver ring Rafael had put in that morning.

“Uh, sure…that’s fine,” he replied gruffly, and Sonny carefully removed the jewelry, set it on the coffee table, then met Rafael’s eyes again.  He smirked, then opened wide and took him deeply right away, sucking firmly on his shaft as he gently fondled Rafael’s balls.  Didn’t he say you were the last guy he was with?, Rafael asked himself, again wondering how honest Sonny was being regarding his relationships.  Then Sonny sucked him deeper, to the top of his throat, and Rafael forgot everything else.

*****

Quietly entering the apartment, he tried his best to close the door silently.  With any luck, he wouldn’t disturb anyone.  After locking the door and toeing off his shoes, he turned to head to his room and nearly screamed as a figure stepped out of the shadows.  

Quinn was standing in front of him, barely three feet away.  “Where have you been?” she whispered.  “Do you know how upset she was that you weren’t here to kiss her goodnight?”

“I’m sorry,” he replied in his own whisper.  “I was with a friend and we lost track of time.”  It was the best excuse he could give her, and the closest to the truth he cared to share.  Sonny, it turned out, was far more skilled with his mouth now than he’d been before, and was anxious to show off his new talents.  In all fairness, Rafael found himself anxious to enjoy them.  And once Sonny finished, Rafael felt that quid pro quo was only fair; he took his time giving the other man something he’d remember.

“Jesus, Rafael.”  Sonny exhaled heavily as Rafael kissed his way up Sonny’s body.  At some point, they’d moved over to the bed and lost any of their remaining clothing.  Sonny’s body seemed very much the same from what Rafael remembered, with the exception of a tattoo on an upper arm–three colorful balloons, each with a nickname inside of it. Rafael stopped just short of it, turning the arm toward him, then read it aloud.  “Doodlebug, B-Bear, and Bean?” he asked with a chuckle.  

Sonny smiled with affection.  “Yeah, the kids…didn’t wanna use their real names, y’know?  Didn’t wanna run the risk of someone seein’ it that has no business knowing.  I just…I just wanted a way to keep them with me every day.”

Rafael slowly ran his fingers over Sonny’s chest, gently tugging on the light chest hair.  “I can understand that,” he murmured, leaning down and kissing a nipple.  He smiled.  “You look exactly how I remember you, except for the tattoo.”

Sonny chuckled.  “I expected you to have pierced nipples by now…you know, to match your Prince Albert down there…”  They both glanced down to Rafael’s spent cock, minus the small  silver hoop he’d been wearing, and Sonny smirked.  “Hard to blow that thing properly when it’s all dressed up to go out.”

Rafael rolled his eyes.  “Oh please. I seem to remember someone who was quite fond of my piercings before.”

“That’s because I’d never seen one before yours,” Sonny informed him, then ran a finger over Rafael’s navel.  “Hey, what happened to your belly ring?  Now that was sexy…I loved that stud you used to wear there.  Gorgeous.”

“What happened is it was a little too sparkly for a toddler to resist one day,” he reported, and Sonny cringed at the thought.  “Yeah,” Rafael continued, “she grabbed and pulled, HARD.  It came out, and it never went back in.”

“You poor man,” Sonny sympathized, continuing to stroke around Rafael’s belly button.  “Will kisses make it better?”  Before he could answer, Rafael found himself flipped onto his back and Sonny eagerly blowing raspberries onto his stomach as though he were five.

“Stop!” he squealed, laughing.  “Oh my God, Sonny!”  Sonny did, right away, but they both were laughing by then.  Sonny moved his mouth up to the spot between Rafael’s neck and shoulder, sucking and licking, before blowing one more raspberry and starting them both giggling again.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Sonny sighed as they finally began to calm down.  “Nobody, Rafi…and I mean nobody…is as uniquely wonderful as you.  I was a fool not to pursue you before.”  He grew quiet for a moment before bringing Rafael’s hand to his mouth and kissing it.  “Would you be open to dinner sometime this week?  I’d love to take you out again, and even let you order for yourself this time.”

Rafael’s face impulsively smiled wide and beautiful at him, his heart fluttering furiously.  “Thursdays are best for me, because that’s when Quinn stays late with Lucy, but I can check another night if–”

“Thursday it is,” Sonny interrupted with a grin.  “You tell me when and where, and I’ll meet you there.”

“Look, Rafael.” Quinn’s face took on a look of concern instead of anger, and he felt the guilt begin to twist in his gut.  “I thought we were clear on this.  Lucy’s need for you to be consistent and do what you say you’re gonna do doesn’t change just because she turned two.  In fact, if anything, she’s gonna need it even more–”

“I know, I know,” he replied, holding his hands up.  “I’m not planning on it happening again, okay?  Is she asleep now?”

“Yeah.  She just cried quite a bit and asked for you,” she reported, crossing her arms.  “I’m assuming I’m off the clock now?”

Rafael nodded.  “Of course.  And I’ll be sure to include the overtime in your check this month, all right?”

She had already turned around, heading back toward her room across from Lucy’s, but now she stopped to face him again.  “You know that’s not what this is about, right?” she asked.   

“Yeah,” he replied.  “I understand.  Goodnight, Quinn.”

Once she’d entered her bedroom and shut the door, Rafael quietly made his way to Lucy’s room, peeking inside.  Her little projector was on–the one Rita had given her when she was born–and there were silhouettes of bunnies and lambs slowly moving across the darkened wall.  He wasn’t sure who had loved that present more, him or his daughter, but whenever Lucy was upset, the bunnies and lambs seemed to calm her down fairly quickly.  Those or the alternative rock station.  Quinn told him not to ask too many questions about that one.

She was asleep on her belly, feet sticking out from her baby blanket.  Her dark curly hair was damp from the bath, and he gently brushed it to the side.  Thank you, God, he prayed as he watched her sleeping, thank you for giving me the chance to be part of making something so beautiful…I’ll try to do better.

Leaning over, he gave the little girl a kiss on the forehead, then tiptoed out of her bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Chapter Text

Slipping into the office playroom, Rafael gave a nod to Carmen, who was rubbing Kellan’s back, and headed toward the ensuite, where he could hear his tiny daughter trying to argue with Quinn.

“No, Kih-nee!  I not seepy!” she announced, then turned to run from her nanny.  Her eyes suddenly met her papi’s, and she stopped, startled.  “Hi, Pah-pee.”

“Hi, sweetheart,” he greeted her.  “Sounds like it’s naptime, huh?”  Quinn quietly stepped out of the bathroom, leaving the two alone.

“Uh-huh,” Lucy agreed.  “But I not seepy.”

Rafael knelt down so they were face-to-face.  “Why don’t you let me carry you over to your cot, and I’ll stay for a few minutes and rub your back, okay?”

Lucy looked at him for a long moment, as though she were considering her options.  “You wub my back, Pah-pee?” she asked, and he nodded.  “Tay.”  Holding her pudgy arms up, he scooped her up and carried her to the cot, helping her get comfortable, then taking a seat next to her.

This was one of his favorite times of the day, on days he was afforded the luxury to make it back to his office by one.  The playroom was quiet and dark, except for the music playing in the background.  It was a great time for him to relax as well, to let go of the tension he’d had in court prior to this, or the anxiety he was feeling about whatever was coming up in the afternoon.  This morning, he’d been in court trying to keep a Venezuelan man from being sent back; he was in the US on a work visa, but the company he worked for had closed.  ICE had rounded him up before he could get another job, and despite the fact that his wife and two young children were United States citizens, the court decided to send him back to Venezuela.

Rafael knew that the expression on that father’s face, as he hugged and kissed his children for what might be the last time for years, was going to stay with him for a very long time.

He closed his eyes for a moment, hoping the afternoon would be more relaxing than the morning had been.  Moving his palm back and forth on his tiny daughter’s back, he reviewed his plans for the afternoon.  No court time, which was great; he was planning to do paperwork.  Although it was boring, it beat the hell out of seeing families separated for no reason.

He glanced down and saw Lucy’s eyes were closed, and her thumb had come out of her mouth.  He could now hear her soft, rhythmic breathing, so he leaned over and kissed her forehead, then stood up to go back to work.

*****

He was finishing up paperwork on one of his cases when there was a light knock on the door–Carmen’s signature–and it opened.  “You have a visitor,” she told him with a smile that said he should be happy.  “Detective Rollins is here.”

“Oh!” he exclaimed, unsure whether he should be excited or frightened.  He and Sonny had been seeing each other now for a few months, but they had yet to get the kids together or even to do more than an occasional dinner out.  Mostly, they spent time at Sonny’s place, and occasionally, when Rafael’s mother had Lucy, at his own. “Send her in,” he directed Carmen, and a second later, Amanda Rollins was standing in his doorway, looking about as unsure as he was feeling.

“Hey, Rafael,” she greeted him, smiling (although it looked a little forced).  “Sorry to just stop by like this, but…um, do you have a minute?”

“Of course!”  He approached her, wrapping his arms around her in a friendly hug.  She did the same, and he was surprised when she tightened the hug, as though she’d truly missed him.

“So how have you been?” he asked as she took a seat on his couch.  He took one next to her.

That forced smile appeared again.  “Well, you know…I mean, I’m okay.  I’m surviving it.”  Her expression softened.  “I probably should have called you first.  I just…I needed to talk to you, and I’ve never been through this before, so my protocol is probably fucked up.”  

“Are you angry with me?” he asked.  “I’ve wondered if you might be.  I wouldn’t blame you.”

She sighed.  “No.  At first, I thought I might be, but this isn’t your fault, Rafael.  None of this is your fault, and I know that.  Whatever is going on with Sonny, it’s on him, not anyone else…”  Clearing her throat, she continued.  “I’ve been meaning to stop by for a while now, mainly to talk about my kids.  I know you and Sonny are seeing one another, and he told me that you have a daughter now, which honestly kinda blew my mind–”

He grinned.  “Yeah, I bet it did.”

Amanda chuckled.  “Yeah, it did.  Anyway, I’ve been all over Sonny about not introducing the kids to anyone he’s dating until he’s known them for a good while and thinks it might go somewhere.  I’ve been really clear that I do not want him damaging the kids emotionally by introducing them to a bunch of fool ‘uncles’ he’s sleeping with.  But so far, the best I can tell it’s only been you.  Do you know if he’s seeing anyone else?”

Rafael shrugged.  “I, uh, don’t think so,” he replied, then grinned at her.  “I guess that means that so far, I’m the only fool uncle, huh?”  She winced as he laughed, then added, “We haven’t really talked about it, though.”

She cocked an eyebrow at him.  “Would you tell me if you did know?”

“Amanda, of course I would,” he told her sincerely.  “Look, I have never wanted to be in the middle of whatever was going on between you and Sonny.  I respect both of you, and once I heard you were together, in my mind, I wished both of you the best and closed that door.  When Sonny approached me and told me the two of you were separating and he thought he had feelings for me, that was when I agreed to talk with him about it.  And yes, that turned into us seeing one another once he moved out.  I know he’s mentioned getting the kids together, but that was in the beginning, and he hasn’t mentioned it since.  Look, I can’t speak for Sonny, but I know that I don’t want to disrespect or hurt you or those kids in any way, okay?  We worked together for what, six years? That still means something to me.”

“Thank you for saying that, Rafael,” she replied.  “To be honest, SVU has never recovered from you leaving.”  

He accidentally snorted, loudly. 

She burst into laughter as he flushed bright red.  “I really did mean it!” she proclaimed.  “You were an amazing prosecutor, and from what I’ve seen, you’re incredible on the other side of the aisle as well.”

Rafael smiled.  “I try.”

She returned the smile.  “Well, if it really is just the two of you hanging out in Sonny’s new closet-sized apartment, and he’s not leaving his value pack of used magnums in the trash for the kids to find, then it’s okay with me for you guys to spend time with the kids together.  They knew you before, and I trust you,” she said.  “In fact, in some ways, I trust you more than I trust him. Although I guess right now, that’s not saying much.”

That’s clear as day, he thought, considering the digs she’d made at her ex in this conversation alone.  “Well, you know Sonny loves your girls,” he reminded her, “and I know he loves Nicky too.  I think the kids will enjoy spending some time together.”  He felt his phone vibrating in his pocket then, but decided to leave it.  Clearly, this conversation was important for Amanda as well as for Sonny and their kids.  “I’ll do my best to be a responsible adult, I promise!” he teased, and now she purposely let out a snort.  They both laughed.

“You know, my daughter is here…she’s in the next room,” he shared.  “Would you like to meet her?  She’s two, and her name is Lucy.”

Amanda’s eyes grew wide.  “I’d love to!”

He led her out of his office, across the waiting area, to the playroom.  “This is such a great idea,” Amanda remarked.  

“It was Carmen’s idea,” he said, opening the door to the playroom.  “This is her son, Kellan,” he introduced as the busy three-year old rolled his truck nearly over their toes,” and that’s my little one at the easel over there.  That’s Lucy.”

“Sowwy!” Kellan called to them as he hurried past to retrieve the truck.

“That’s okay,” Rafael told him, winking at him, before turning his attention to Lucy.  “Hey Lulu,” he said, kneeling at the easel, “this is my friend, Amanda.  Can you say hi?”

“Hi,” Lucy repeated, continuing to keep her eyes on the painting as she moved the brush back and forth.

He heard Amanda chuckle.  “Hey Lucy?  Remember, when someone is speaking to us, we need to put the paintbrush down and look at them.”

Lucy let out a heavy sigh, clearly annoyed at the interruption, then stuck the paintbrush in the paint.  Turning to her father, she looked at him, her eyes nearly comically wide.  “Tay.  I wookin’ at you now.”

“Thank you.  This is my friend Amanda.  Can you say hi to her, please?”

Lucy’s eyes relaxed and she looked up at Amanda.  “Hi!” she said, waving her hand, then looked back at Rafael.  “Tan I do my paint now?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he told her, standing up.  “Thank you.”

Amanda smirked.  “I don’t know if I’m more impressed with the knee action you’re using or how cute of a kid you have,” she teased.  “Seriously, though, she’s adorable, Barba.”

He beamed.  “Thanks, Amanda.  She’s truly my heart and soul, you know?” he replied as they headed toward the door.  “Oh!  Someone you should meet—this is Quinn Thompson.  She’s been Lucy’s nanny, and my coach, for the last two years.  She’s the reason I don’t completely suck.”

Hearing his words, Quinn winced at the end.  “So close,” she sighed, then held out her hand to Amanda.  “Nice to meet you.”

“Amanda Rollins,” she introduced herself, and Rafael wondered if she was going back to her maiden name for certain, or if she was just angry.  “Rafael and I worked at SVU together for, how long did you say it was?  Forty, forty-five years?” she teased, and they all chuckled.

“Only felt like it,” he replied, then turned to Quinn.  “We’ll get out of your way.  See you at home tonight,” he told her, and she nodded, heading back to Lucy.

“Thanks for making time for me today,” Amanda told him as they entered the waiting area again.  “I actually feel better, now that we’ve talked.”

Rafael nodded.  “Feel free to call me any time, Amanda.  I’m happy to help however I can.”

She nodded at  him one more time.  “See you, Carmen,” she called, looking to the side of him, and Carmen waved.

He watched Amanda leave the office, then headed back into his own office to finish some work.  It was already late afternoon.  Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he suddenly remembered the call he’d gotten earlier.  He read the number, but didn’t recognize it, other than being a Miami-Dade area code.  I wonder if Juan finally replaced that old flip phone of his, he thought, thinking of his cousin.  He hit the voicemail button and held the phone to his ear.

“Um, hi…I’m trying to reach a Rafael Barba…I’m, uh, pretty sure this is his number.  If it’s you, Rafael, then hi.  It’s Celia Cruz…I was calling because I’m, um…I’m planning a trip to the city over Thanksgiving and I was hoping that I might be able to, um…to see you and the baby.  Not for very long or anything…I just was hoping that maybe we could meet somewhere, have a cup of coffee or something.  I don’t wanna inconvenience you or anything…um, either way, could you call me back, just to let me know?  Okay, thanks…bye.”

He listened to the voicemail twice, feeling his anxiety increase with every word.

Finally, Rafael set his cell phone down, then quickly picked it up again.  She could call back at any time, he thought, and I don’t have time for that today.   Turning it off, he lay it down again, then  got back to work on his cases.

Chapter Text

“You must be Lucy!” Sonny grinned at the little girl as he knelt in front of her.  “Your papi has told me what a sweet girl you are!”

Lucy nodded.  “Uh-huh!  I seet girl, wight Pah-pee?”

“That’s right, sweetheart,” Rafael told her, scooping her up into his arms and tickling her belly for a moment.  The little girl squealed, then giggled, “Stop, Pah-pee!  No mean no!”  Still giggling, she curled up in his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Did she just tell you that no means no?” Sonny asked, trying not to laugh.

Rafael nodded.  “She did…that’s our rule, right, Lulu?” he asked, and Sonny saw the little girl nod her head, then settle back in her father’s lap.  She pressed her face into Rafael’s shirt, hiding her eyes.  

Rafael grinned at Sonny.  “Figured we’d tackle consent early, y’know?” As Sonny chuckled, Rafael tried to shift Lucy around to look at the other man, but she held fast to his shirt.  “Hey Lu, did you know that Sonny has two little girls, also?”

Lucy peeked over at Sonny from where she’d been hiding, then looked up at her father.  “Wittle girls?” she asked, voice barely above a whisper.  Rafael nodded toward Sonny, and Lucy peeked at him again.

“I do,” Sonny confirmed with a nod.  “I have one who’s named Jesse, and one who’s named Billie.  Jesse is seven, and Billie is four…and then I have a baby boy named Nicky, but he’s just a baby still…he’s not even one yet.”

Lucy looked from Sonny back to her father and giggled again.  “Dat itty bitty, wight, Pah-pee?”

Rafael chuckled.  “That’s right.  Nicky’s an itty bitty baby still.”  He pressed a kiss to her forehead.  “Do you think it would be fun to play with  Sonny’s kids?  We could have a play date.”

“Uh-huh!” Lucy nodded.  “Dat’s fun…we watch Elmo now?”

“Yes, sweetheart.  I’ll put on Elmo for you.  Abby’s going to be here in a few minutes to pick you up though, remember?” Sonny handed the remote to Rafael, who got the TV set up for Lucy, then set the little girl on the couch, out of his lap.  Turning to Sonny, he smiled.  “Coffee?” he offered, and Sonny nodded, smiling back.

*****

“So does your ma take Lucy every Saturday for you?” Sonny asked as they made dinner that evening.  He was quickly chopping vegetables to roast in the oven, as Rafael spread butter on slices of rosemary and olive oil bread.  The chicken was already making the place smell heavenly.  An earlier walk to the market that afternoon had paid off handsomely.

“No, not every weekend,” Rafael replied, carefully buttering the slices.  “Why?”

“I was just wondering,” Sonny said, glancing over at the other man.  “I just miss my kids so much right now…I don’t think I’d want to turn them over.”

Finishing the bread, Rafael headed to the sink to wash his hands.  “I know it probably seems like I’m never alone with her,” he said slowly, “but that’s not the case.  Quinn is a live-in nanny, and obviously, she’s off every weekend. Even when she’s here, though, I’m the one in charge and doing the majority of the caregiving when I’m home.  Her job when I’m here, at this point anyway, is to just hang out and back me up if I need it, or pull me aside to chat if I’m doing something wrong.”  He reached for a towel to dry his hands.  “I’m sure now you have a million questions about our unusual setup, and it’s fine to ask them.”  He stepped over to Sonny and gently wrapped an arm around his waist.  “With you I’m an open book.”

“Let me put these in the oven, and we can talk,” Sonny suggested, so Rafael let go and headed into the living room.  

Sonny joined him on the couch a minute later.  “So first, I know none of this is my business, Rafi…how you choose to raise Lucy is your business, not mine…but I am curious as to why you have a live-in nanny.  I mean, do you really feel like you need one at this point?”

Rafael exhaled, trying to quell his nerves.  “There’s a reason why Quinn is here, Sonny, and it’s probably good for you to know up front, before we get any further involved.”  Seeing Sonny’s eyebrows shoot up, Rafael grabbed the other man’s hand and squeezed it.  “No, I’ve never abused or neglected anyone, I promise!”

Sonny exhaled quickly.  “Okay…you scared me for a minute there.  I didn’t think you could have, but when you lead like that…”

Rafael hummed, then squeezed Sonny’s hand again, closing his eyes for a moment.  “Why don’t I start at the beginning?” he suggested.

“Yes, please,” Sonny replied.  Rafael opened his eyes and nodded, then began to speak.

“I’m sure you can imagine how messed up I was after Drew Householder’s trial,” he said quietly.  “After quitting the DA’s office, all I knew was I had to get out of here…out of the city.  I was waking up at night in cold sweats and nightmares.  I was getting hangups on my phone more than ever before, and the few times anyone said anything, it was to tell me, “We’re coming for you, baby killer”.  My gut said to run, so I ran to the only place I felt comfortable going–and that was Miami.  I have extended family down there…cousins and aunts and uncles who were still talking to me.  My cousin Juan put me up for a couple weeks until I found a place.  I still had a good amount of money in savings, and fortunately, that’s all my landlord really cared about.  So I rented this pretty nice studio apartment close to South Beach.”

Sonny’s expression morphed to one of humor.  “You?  In South Beach?”

Rafael rolled his eyes.  “Uh, yeah.  And I fit in just fine, thank you very much.  It didn’t take long for me to be partying every night and sleeping every day. As you can probably guess, I was really battling a lot of anxiety and depression, so I was a sucker for anything to take the pain away. It wasn’t long before someone introduced me to molly–”

“I thought you said her name was Celia,” Sonny interrupted curiously, and Rafael’s eyes did their famous roll.

“Really, Dominick?” he asked.  Sonny stared at him for a moment, then laughed.

“Oh, okay.  I’m with you know.  You meant ecstasy, right?  X?”

“Yeah,” Rafael confirmed.  “Can I continue?”  Sonny nodded.

“Well, I guess molly makes you really social and friendly, so soon I had more friends than I’d ever had in my life, and that’s how I met Celia. The first night I met her, we did molly together, came back to my place, and had sex til we passed out.  Our M.O. was always a mix of alcohol and whatever drugs we could easily get. Soon we stopped going out so much and spent our time together at my apartment, drinking and getting high.  That’s when I found out that she was facing disbarment for her alcohol addiction.  Kind of an ‘I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours’ type of thing–I told her about Drew, and she told me she was facing disbarment.  We were drunk most of the time, when we weren’t fucking, so that made it easier to share certain things.  I swear, Sonny…some of the things we did…”  He stopped talking, staring off out the window.

“You okay?” Sonny asked, trying to look back into Rafael’s eyes.

Rafael nodded.  “Yeah.  I just…it’s just some pretty horrible stuff.  Not that I did anything she didn’t consent to, but more because I remember that all I cared about was myself.  Being high, being drunk, wanting to escape reality…all those things will do that to a man, you know?  You stop seeing anyone else as important, and only think about what you want.”

There was a long silence between them as Sonny thought about everything Rafael had shared.  When he glanced at Rafael again, he could tell the other man was thinking about it, too.  “What finally made you stop?” he asked.

Rafael sighed.  “Rita.  I guess after a while, she’d called my mom and wanted to know why I wasn’t answering my door or my phone.  I’d told my mom I’d gone to Miami, and ever since my dad died, Mami’s not been so good at keeping secrets.  So she told Rita everything she knew–which was far more than I knew that she knew.  Apparently Juan, that little weasel of a cousin I have, he’d been keeping notes and told mi madre everything. ”

Sonny snorted.

Rafael grimaced. “So Rita shows up.  Both Celia and I are shit-faced drunk, practically naked, and in desperate need of a shower, I’m sure.  The apartment’s a mess.  I’m passed out in my bed, and Celia was smoking a joint on the couch.  And i guess, the story goes, anyway, that when Celia saw Rita, she said, ‘who the fuck are you’, and Rita grabbed the joint from her, took a hit, crushed it out, then said, ‘I’m your worst fuckin’ nightmare, bitch.  Now get the fuck out.’”

Sonny made a small, choked noise in his throat as Rafael smirked.  “Yeah, the party was over  after that.  She stayed and got me cleaned up, applied for jobs in New York and Iowa for me, and when the Iowa one came in, she flew out to Iowa with me to get me set up and straight out there.  Yeah, when I say if it weren’t for Rita Calhoun, I probably wouldn’t be alive, I’m not blowing smoke up your ass.  I’m serious.”

“Jesus, Rafi.”  Sonny’s hand came up and brushed through Rafael’s hair again.  “And she–I mean, Celia–she got pregnant while you guys were partying nonstop?”

Rafael nodded.  “Yep.”

“You musta been shocked when she called you,” Sonny said, trying to imagine a newly-sober Rafael Barba receiving that news.  “I’m kinda stunned it didn’t send you over the edge again.”

“Almost,” he admitted.  “Rita had set me up with a therapist in Iowa, and I called her as soon as I hung up with Celia.  We ended up having an emergency therapy session that night.  And once I stopped freaking out and wanting to get high, I realized I really did want that child.  It was quite likely my only chance at being a dad, and at the time, I thought it would mean monthly child support checks and summer vacation visits. I knew I could do that, and I was determined to try.  It wasn’t until later that it got more complicated.”

“Were you worried that Celia would drink or use while she was pregnant?” Sonny asked, and Rafael immediately nodded.

“Terrified at first,” he admitted.  “Then she called me two weeks after she’d told me she was pregnant.  She’d checked herself into an inpatient clinic for alcohol addiction treatment.  And Sonny, she stayed there until after Lucy was born.  I don’t know if she drank in the few weeks before she went in, but I do know she stayed sober the rest of her pregnancy, and I admire her for that.”

Sonny hummed thoughtfully.  “I can imagine that must’ve been really hard for her.”

“Yeah, I’m sure it was,” Rafael agreed. “She didn’t say much about it when I was there with her, but she was so focused on Lucy’s birth.  And Sonny, she was so happy, just like I was, so I was really shocked when she called me so soon afterward.  I mean, I had been in Miami with her for Lucy’s birth, and I had literally just gotten home two days before she called.  And in that two days, she’d decided she did not want to be a mother.  I mean, we talked about it, Sonny.  How excited she had been…but when she called me after i got home, all that excitement seemed gone, and she just seemed…anxious?  Irritable, maybe? She didn’t drink while I was there, but looking back, I can see she was probably jonesing for it, you know?  Anyway, she wanted me to come get the baby that day.  Like, on the red-eye.  I told her I’d come as soon as possible, but we would need to meet with an attorney because I wasn’t gonna accept her changing her mind back and forth.”

“That sounds wise,” Sonny remarked, and Rafael nodded.

“I don’t know if it was or wasn’t…I just knew that I didn’t want to be battling her for custody with nothing in my favor, you know?”  

Sonny nodded, and Rafael wondered if he was currently feeling some of the same.

“So I begged Rita to go with me, last minute.  She did.  I wasn’t sure I would need anyone, but I knew Celia was also an attorney.  Turns out her specialty is family law, so I was grateful for Rita’s presence after all.  The attorney she brought for our meeting, it turns out, was a colleague of hers, and he had done some research on me.  Of course, he’d read all about Drew and talked to her about it–more than I had, anyway. That information didn’t change her mind, but it did cause her to want a clause in our custody agreement.  She wanted me to have a live-in caregiver for the first three years of Lucy’s life who would teach me how to parent.   Hands-on stuff.  She told me that she understood I hadn’t done anything abusive to Drew, but that she also knew I’d had the same kind of father she’d had, so she knew it would be helpful to have someone there to support me. You know, to teach me what a parent is really supposed to do.  And she was right, Sonny.  I mean, I only remember it happening once back then, but one night, we talked about our dads.”

“I’m impressed you remember it happening at all,” Sonny snickered, and Rafael snorted this time.

“Yeah, whatever.  Shut up.  Anyway, Celia’s dad was a fucking abusive asshole.  She spent her whole childhood afraid of him, and I just remember her saying that anytime he got closer than five feet from her, she was certain he was going to either beat or molest her.”  His eyes dropped for a moment, then he shook his head.  “Her dad was an attorney, too, and I remember her telling me that’s why she went to law school…so she could finally fight him on even ground.”  

“Yeah, that’s pretty awful.” Sonny reached over to take his hand.  “You okay?”

“Yeah.”  Rafael sighed again, then smiled at him.  “Anyway!  All that information, just so you can understand my nanny’s REAL job!  Quinn’s job, initially, was as a live-in nanny and parenting coach.  And she’s taught me a lot.  I can honestly say, Sonny, that if it weren’t for Quinn, we would have struggled a lot more than we have.  She taught me everything from how to change a diaper, to how to rock a baby, to how to feed my baby healthy foods.  Did you know that babies who are breastfed tend to have healthier immune systems?  I was able to get another mother to provide breast milk for Lulu while she was very young.  Quinn helped to put me in contact with the local La Leche league, and they helped me find a mother who regularly donated her extra milk, and was happy to provide it to Lucy.”  He was smiling ear to ear, clearly proud of the things he’d done for his daughter, and Sonny couldn’t help but smile back.  “I was just determined to do the best for her that I could…that I can, you know?  There’s no reason not to, if I can.  Of course, both Quinn and I are aware that her job is likely going to end in another year, so at this point, she basically observes me at home.  She got after me that time I was late coming home from your place,” he chuckled, and Sonny joined him.  “Her main time taking the lead in Lucy’s care is when I’m working.  We’ve already talked about how, next school year, we need to have Lucy begin to attend a regular preschool.”

“And Lucy doesn’t think Quinn is her mother?” Sonny asked.  “Does she know anything about her mother?”

Rafael’s confident expression changed to one of discomfort.  “She, uh…she hasn’t asked much yet,” he acknowledged.  “She did go through a period several months ago of trying to call Quinn ‘Momma’, and we just gently corrected it by telling her Quinn’s name was ‘Quinn’, not ‘Momma’.  But she didn’t ask about a momma or anything.  That’s part of the reason I’m nervous about Celia coming to see her.”

“So you still haven’t called her back, huh?” Sonny asked, and Rafael shook his head.

“No.  I don’t quite know what to say to her.  I mean, the custody papers are binding.  I called Rita to be sure.  She said Celia can always contest it in court, but since I’ve followed all of the criteria Celia listed in the original agreement, it’s doubtful a judge would ever fully reverse it.”  He paused, biting his lip, and Sonny could feel his anxiety.  “You know, I’ve worried about this off and on ever since I brought Lucy home.  But I know I’m a good father.  I’m just trying to stay focused on that right now.”

Sonny nodded.  “I think that’s wise, Rafi…but do you think it might be worthwhile for her to have a relationship with her mother?  I’m sorry…I’m not trying to second-guess you–”

“It’s okay,” Rafael replied, but from his expression, Sonny wasn’t so sure.  “I don’t know, Sonny.  I don’t know if that would be worthwhile or not.  I don’t know if Celia’s still drinking or not, and I think it probably depends on that.  I do know that I have put my entire heart and soul into this kid, and I’m not willing to let Celia hurt her, just on a whim, you know?”

“I do,” Sonny acknowledged.  Smiling, he reached over and ran his fingers through Rafael’s hair.  “From everything I’ve seen, you’re a great dad, Rafi.  Not that I’m one to judge.”

Rafael caught Sonny’s face in his hands, pulling him forward and kissing him on the lips, hard.  

*****

Rafael caught Billie’s ball and waited for the little girl to reach him.  “Hey Mistuh Wafi…you gonna gimme my ball?” she asked, hands on her hips.

Sonny was a few yards away, fixing Jesse’s braid.  “Hey!” he called.  “That’s UNCLE Wafi to you, Missy!”

Rafael snorted.  “Here you go.”  He gently tossed the ball to her, catching sight of his mother and daughter heading toward them from across the park.  “If you want me to give you your ball, sweetheart, then add a please to it, okay?”

Billie made a face.  “You’re cwanky,” she told him, then picked up the ball herself.  “Hey, where’s your kid?  My daddy says you got a kid, too!”

“She’s coming right now,” he told her, then knelt down to her level and pointed across the green space.  “See?  She’s with her grandma.”

Billie’s blue eyes grew wide.  “She got a gwandma ?” she asked, clearly impressed.  “I just gots a Nana.  And I gots a Mimi, too.  But no gwandma.”

Rafael bit back a chuckle.  “Well, it’s her grandma, but she calls her Abby.  That’s short for Abuela, which means grandma in Spanish.”

Billie’s eyes only grew wider, and now she was staring at him. “If you say so, Mistuh Unca Wafi.”  She looked down at her feet, muttering, “MIND. BLOWN, Billie… foosh.”

“Pah-pee!” Lucy’s little waddling run made Rafael laugh, and he scooped her up when she got to him.  “Pah-pee!  I miss you when you gone!”  

“Aw,” he replied.  “Give me a kiss hello then!” And she pressed a baby kiss on his cheek, then wrapped her chubby arms around him, and Rafael closed his eyes in sheer happiness.  

“We had a good time,” his mother told him, handing over Lucy’s backpack.  “Thank you for staying with me, nieta,” Lucia said, giving Lucy a kiss on the cheek.  “Have fun at the park with Papi and your new friends!”

“Thanks, Mom,” Rafael called after her, and she waved.  “Bye!”

“Bye Abby!” Lucy called after the woman, and Rafael gave his daughter one more kiss before setting her down.

“Hey Lucy, this is Billie.  She’s Sonny’s little girl,” he reminded her.  “Can you say hi to her?”

Lucy wrapped one arm around Rafael’s knee as she watched Billie closely.  “Hi,” she said quietly.

Billie picked up her ball.  “Hi.  Are you…are you Mistuh Unca Wafi’s kid?”

Lucy stared at her for a long moment, then nodded quickly.

Billie nodded.  “See that guy ovuh there?  That’s one uh my daddies.  We call him Daddy Sonny, kinda like the sun.  I gots two daddies.  How many daddies you got?”

Lucy looked from Billie to Rafael, then back again.  “Dat Papi,” she replied, pointing to the knee she was holding.

Billie looked back and forth from daughter to father several times, then said, “Huh?”

Before anyone could respond, she said, “Hey wittle kid wif, uh, Mistuh Unca Wafi, you wanna pway ball wif me?”

“That sounds fun!” Rafael encouraged gently.  Lucy looked up at him again, then looked back at Billie.  “Otay.  I wike balls.”

Billie grinned.  “Cool, wittle kid!  Let’s go!”  And Billie ran over to an empty spot in the grass, Lucy waddle-running behind her.

“I think they’re gonna have fun together,” Sonny remarked as he rejoined Rafael.  They watched as Jesse ran over to the girls, and the three of them began to play.

“Of course they are,” Rafael teased.  “They’re our girls.  What could possibly go wrong there?”

Sonny couldn’t stop his laughter if he tried.

Chapter Text

Rafael was on a business call when the door to his office opened and Rita Calhoun strolled in.  “Oh look!” she remarked, taking a seat in a chair across from him, “you DO know how to talk on a phone!”

“I’ll have to call you back,” he said, narrowing his eyes at her.  “Okay, great.  Thanks.”  He hung the phone up and leaned forward on the desk.  “What were you just saying?” he asked.

“Oh, I was just noting that you actually do know how to use a phone.  Here.  This is for you.”  She handed him a small piece of paper.

“What’s this?” he asked, turning it around to read it.  “You’re billing me?  For what?!”

Rita crossed her legs and relaxed in the seat.  “For the time I’ve spent on the phone with your baby momma, since you won’t take her call or call her back!  So far she’s wasted at least twenty minutes of my time, and I’m not giving that to you for free anymore!”

He snorted.  “So you think I’m actually gonna pay you…what’s this say… two hundred dollars?” He shook his head.  “You yourself just said it’s only taken you maybe twenty minutes so far!  I am not paying for your manicure habit, Rita!”

Rita tilted her head up slightly.  “I charge between six and eight hundred an hour, depending on the case.  You took twenty minutes away from my workday, which was worth two hundred.  I can take a check, or if you’d rather put it on a card, you can call Ted at the office tomorrow–”

“I’m not paying you,” he interrupted, making a face before picking up his pen again.

“Then answer the woman’s call, Rafael Eduardo!” she snapped.  “Otherwise you most certainly WILL pay my bill!”

Annoyed and anxious, Rafael tossed his pen down again.  “Okay, fine.  I’ll answer the next time she calls.  Did she tell you why she’s calling?” he asked.

Rita nodded.  “She wants to see her daughter.  And for some weird reason, she wants to see you, too.  But I didn’t ask a lot of questions.”  She moved forward in her chair, leaning onto his desk.  “Look, Rafi…I’m sure the thought of her entering your life again scares the crap out of you.  But we’ve both done all we can to keep Lucy safe.  The one thing I know from my friends who do family law is that the longer you avoid this, the bigger of a mess you’ll turn it into.”

His mouth opened…and his phone rang.

Rafael reached for it, but Rita was quicker.  “Well, look at that!” she exclaimed, checking the number.  “It’s almost like she KNEW to call you when I’d be here, huh?”  Handing it back to him, she nodded.  “Talk.”

Rafael glared at her, then answered his phone.  “Hello.”

“Rafael?”

Keeping his glare steady on Rita, Rafael replied, “Yeah, this is Rafael.”

“Hey, Rafael.  It’s Celia Cruz…sorry to call you during the work day.  I hope I'm not interrupting anything?”

“Oh, no.  Rita Calhoun, my attorney…she was just here, but she’s seeing herself out,” he answered, still glaring at her as she whispered, Call me!.   “Anyway, Celia.  I understand that you are planning to visit New York next month?”

“Uh, yeah.  My mom, she’s always loved seeing Manhattan during the Christmas season, and this year I thought I’d tag along.  We both were wondering if it might be possible to meet you somewhere, or even come by your place for a little bit, to visit with you and Lucy.  We won’t stay very long…I just thought that since I’d be so close anyway, it would be a shame not to see you guys and say hello…”

Rafael’s brain was racing to figure out an answer, and Celia cleared her throat.  “So, uh…do you guys have a date that you’re thinking you want to get together?  I’m usually with my family over the holiday, and they want to see Lucy, too…”  He shook his head, realizing he sounded like an idiot.  “I mean, my family from out of town.  I just want to make sure I have you on my calendar, you know?”

“Yeah, of course!” she replied.  “We were thinking of flying up on Thursday evening so we can hit the weekend sales and all…probably Friday evening might be best.  We’ll be shopping until early afternoon that day,” she laughed.

You haven’t seen your daughter in over two years and your first stop is Nordstrom’s, he thought, but realized that was probably good news for him.  “Yeah, sure.  Friday evening should be fine.  We could meet you somewhere for a casual, kid-friendly dinner.  If you want,” he added, thinking how much he didn’t want Celia or her mother coming to the apartment–it felt like a violation, although he didn’t quite know why.

“Sure, that would be great,” she told him.  “Just tell us where.  You have my number now, anyway.  I’m usually pretty easy to get up with.”  There was an awkward silence, and then she said, “You haven’t asked, but yeah, I’m sober.  My license is provisional right now, I’m doing some community service, using my law degree to work with kids in the juvenile justice system.  I do that twenty hours a week, and try to work for twenty.  And of course, my probation officer tests me once a month, plus randoms.”

“Well, it sounds like you’re, uh…doing better,” Rafael said, grasping at something to say.  “I’m glad for you, Celia.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Another awkward pause.  “You doing okay?  I know you had struggles too, and then I kind of dumped her on you…has it worked out okay?”

Rafael found himself blinking quickly, trying to keep the tears at bay. “Yeah, it’s worked out…it’s been terrific, honestly,” he told her.  “She’s a great kid, Celia.  And I’ve become a great dad.  I have that live-in nanny we agreed upon, and so Lulu gets a lot of support–”

“What…what did you call her?” she asked, interrupting him.

“Oh, uh, I sometimes call her Lulu.  Just a nickname,” he explained, again feeling protective of his relationship with his daughter, and wanting to share none of it.  “Well, I need to get back to work, but I’ll text you a couple days before you get here and let you know where to meet us for dinner.”

“That’s great, Rafael.  Thank you,” she said.  “Thank you so much for taking my call, and for letting us see you guys.  Thanks.”

He forced himself to respond.  “Sure, Celia.  Talk to you later.”

“Bye,” she said, and he quickly ended the call, then turned the phone’s power off.

*****

“I’m so scared, and I don’t even know why.”  He was curled up against Sonny’s body, tucked into his side.  Sonny had one arm wrapped around him, randomly pressing kisses to Rafael’s cheek and temple.  “I mean, what did I think was gonna happen?  That she’d just abandon the kid for life? And why would I want that?  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Lucy will quite likely be much better off having her mother involved in her life. And it’s not like she’s drinking now.  She’s sober, she says, and has kept her license–it’s on provisional status, and she’s doing some kind of community service…”

“Sounds like you guys talked for a bit,” Sonny mused, and Rafael sighed again.

“I just keep thinking, what if she wants her?  What if that’s really her end game–she wants to take my daughter from me?”

Sonny gently stroked his hair.  “You know that’s not likely to happen.  And you’re right, ideally, Lucy would have both of you in her life.  But it’s hard…”  He glanced at Rafael, then looked down.

Something felt off.  Rafael reached over and stroked his cheek.  “What’s going on?” he asked.

Sonny shook his head.  “We’re talkin’ about you–”

“And now we’re talkin’ about YOU,” Rafael said decisively.  “What’s happened?”

Sonny let out a pained sigh.  “Amanda and me–we had talked, even before we got married, about me adoptin’ the girls once we got married.  We both wanted that, and the girls did too, I think.  So we had filled out the paperwork and everything, but I hadn’t turned it in yet.  I shoulda turned it in, as soon as it was finished, but I didn’t.”  Sonny was biting his bottom lip, the way he did whenever he felt guilty.  “Well, I asked her for the paperwork last week.  I mean, I didn’t see any reason to stop the adoptions, y’know?  I get that the marriage is a flop, and I get that it’s my fault.  But my feelings about those girls haven’t changed, Rafi.  I still love Billie and Jess as much as I did the first time I held each of ‘em.”

Rafael nodded.  He had no doubt that was true.  “So what did she say?”

“She said she threw the paperwork out.  Shredded it, she said.  That there was no point in me adoptin’ her girls if I wasn’t going to be around for them.  I tried to explain that I’d still be seein’ them, just like I see Nicky.  And it’s more than that, it’s lettin’ those girls know that I’m there for them in every way, including legally.  She told me if I still wanna ‘play daddy’ that you have a daughter, and I can pretend with her.”

“Jesus, Sonny,” Rafael murmured, reaching up to cup Sonny’s face.  “I’m so sorry, baby.”  He slowly stroked Sonny’s cheek as a tear, then another, fell.  “Give her some time, Son.  Right now she’s hurt.  She may change her mind in a month or two, once this has calmed down.  Especially when the girls are asking about you.”

Sonny barked a laugh.  “Doubtful, since I told her that I’d always thought she loved her girls more than that, but obviously I was wrong.”  Giving Rafael a sad smile, Sonny added, “I guess the gloves came off, and we got brutal with one another.”  He pressed a hand over his eyes.  “I hate that I said that to her, Rafi.  I hate what she said to me, and I hate that I was just as nasty back to her…why the hell would I do that?  It doesn’t fix anything.”

Reaching over, Rafael climbed into Sonny’s lap and wrapped his arms fully around the other man, holding him tight.  “No, it doesn’t,” he whispered.  “But you’re human, and you’re hurting, and so is she.  And so am I…”  He pressed a delicate kiss to Sonny’s nose.  “Let me comfort you, sweetheart,” he whispered.

“Only if I can comfort you, too,” Sonny murmured in return, brushing Rafael’s lips with his, before standing Rafael on his feet and guiding him to the bed.

*****

“You know that I need you, right?” Sonny asked, blue eyes staring into Rafael’s green ones.  “I’ve always needed you, even if I was too stupid to know it.”

Rafael’s hands were slowly moving over Sonny’s body, touching and stroking, taking in the peaks and valleys.  “If I’m honest,” Rafael murmured, allowing his tongue to lazily follow his hands, “I always prayed you’d come back.”

Sonny’s eyes closed, his body arching into his lover’s hands.  “Now that I’m here, I’m never leaving again,” he promised, letting out a moan as Rafael caught a nipple between his teeth and tugged gently.  “You feel so good, Rafi…I love what you do to me…”

Encouraged, Rafael allowed himself to randomly pull at the light caramel colored hair on Sonny’s torso, and his tongue followed his fingers down, down, down…until his tongue circled Sonny’s navel, then circled the head of his cock.  “You taste good, baby,” he groaned, then slowly licked back and forth as Sonny’s cock grew longer, heavier.  Finally reaching the tip again, Rafael swallowed him all the way down, drooling heavily over him.

Sonny had already worked him open earlier.  He had taken his time, with lips and tongue and fingers, before inserting a plug to keep Rafael ready for him.  And now, as Rafael fondled Sonny’s balls and sucked his cock, Sonny pressed the on button to the remote vibration in the plug.  

Rafael popped off his partner’s cock, head coming to rest on Sonny’s thigh as he panted, trying to adjust to the stimulation. It was more than he’d imagined when he agreed to it, and he couldn’t decide if he loved it or hated it.  

“Too much?” Sonny murmured, empty hand reaching for Rafael’s hair as a comfort.

“No,” Rafael gasped, clutching at Sonny’s thigh.  “It’s just…ah…”

Sonny turned the toy off, continuing to play with Rafael’s hair.  “C’mere, baby…please?”

Carefully, Rafael eased himself up to his knees as Sonny sat up as well, pulling Rafael to him and kissing him deeply.  “I love you,” Sonny whispered.  “You’re perfect.  Will you lay on your back for me?  I wanna be inside you, and I wanna watch your face…”

“Sonny,” Rafael moaned as the other man sucked on his neck, then his clavicle.  Somehow, over the last few years, this man had turned into an incredible lover, and Rafael was willing to go wherever Sonny led him.

Sonny’s mouth captured his again, tongue slowly roaming inside for several moments before he sat up again.  Together, they eased Rafael down to the bed, on his back.  Sonny grabbed a pillow to slip under Rafael’s hips, then nipped and sucked at his lover’s inner thighs.  With one hand, he gently rolled the plug back and forth, easing it from Rafael’s body. 

As Sonny slowly removed it, Rafael gasped at the sudden emptiness.  “Sonny,” he moaned, running a hand up to Sonny’s chest, feeling for his skin, his heartbeat.  “Make love to me, baby…I need you.”  Rafael closed his eyes, embarrassed by his own pleas, no matter how true they were.  But Sonny’s lips met his again, kissing him lovingly; an assurance that he would do exactly as Rafael had asked of him.

A moment later, Rafael could feel Sonny’s finger stroking his insides, making sure he was properly prepared.  “I’m ready, baby,” he whispered, until he saw Sonny’s brilliant smile.  Bending his knees, he used his forearms to hold his legs up and ready, and Sonny slowly slid inside of him, causing Rafael to sigh in pleasure.

“Here, baby…let me help you.”  Sonny lifted one of Rafael’s legs up to hook over his shoulder, and then he began to slowly move.  Rafael’s hands were restless; he finally settled them onto the bed frame so Sonny could move unencumbered.  The feel of Sonny’s chest hair brushing against his, of Sonny’s hips and pubic bone pressing forward, caused him to feel dizzy with want.  He was full and wanted and desired beyond measure.  He could feel Sonny’s warm breath coming in pants over his face as he thrust forward repeatedly.  Letting go of the bed frame, Rafael stroked his lover’s face.  “You’re beautiful, mi soleado,” he whispered, lost in his need.  “You’re so handsome, so sexy…I want you all the time, baby.  You can take me any time, have me whenever you want… Jesus Christ, Sonny!”

Realizing how close his partner must be, Sonny shifted their positions slightly, then pressed his lips into Rafael’s shoulder as he thrust harder, faster.  Rafael clung to him, feeling the sweat dripping from Sonny’s core.  He chased every thrust with one of his own until the only thing he could focus on anymore was the lick of pleasure chasing the blood through his body. 

“Sonny!” he cried out, willingly giving in to his orgasm as it blacked out his vision and coursed through every synapse of his body.  “Sonny,” he gasped again as he began to come back to himself, opening his eyes and seeing the other man collapsed on top of him.  He ran loose fingers slowly up and down Sonny’s sweaty back, and chuckled to himself.  “Dominick…you okay?”

Slowly, Sonny lifted his head and gave Rafael a sex-drunk grin.  “I’m golden,” he said, holding up a thumb before carefully rolling off, and onto the bed.  “That was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life,” he sighed, sounding completely fucked out.

Rafael kissed  him.  “Feel any better?” he asked.  “I know I do.”

Sonny softly laughed.  “Yeah.  Much, thank you.”  Rafael rested his head on Sonny’s chest, and Sonny gently began to play with his hair.  “Hey Rafi?” His voice was soft, unsure.  “I lied to you when I said I haven’t had sex with any other men.”

Rafael stroked his chest.  “Were you anxious to tell me?” he asked, then shifted so his forearm was on Sonny’s chest.  He rested his chin on his forearm to better see the other man, and Sonny folded his arms above him on the pillow, resting his head on them.

“Yeah, a bit,” he replied.  “I didn’t want you to think that I thought you were replaceable.  I know I ended things quickly between us last time, and I’ve regretted that ever since.”

Rafael was gently stroking his chest.  “You know, you don’t owe me a personal sexual history lesson, Sonny.  We don’t have to do that, if you don’t want to.  This can be as casual as you want.”  As the words left his mouth, Rafael felt the pain of saying them.  He didn’t want casual with this man.  He wanted forever.

“Is that what you want?” Sonny asked, sounding hurt.  “Casual?”

Rafael bit back his truth.  “I want you to be happy.  Babe, you’re still married to someone else.  Maybe we’ve rushed things, and that’s why you couldn’t tell me–”

“Don’t do that,” Sonny snapped.  “Don’t excuse my behavior like that.  I could have told you.  I made a choice not to, and it was stupid, and I’m sorry for it.  It’s been on my mind ever since I said it to you, the first night we got back together in Chicago.  I’ve always wanted to impress you, and yeah, I wanted you to think I’d waited for you…and I’m sorry, Rafi.”  He was blinking back tears, and Rafael gently stroked his cheek again.

“Sonny, listen to me,” he whispered as sincerely as he could.  “You have always impressed me with who you are.  So why don’t we start that conversation over, and you tell me what happened after we broke up.  Who you are.”

Sonny swallowed heavily.  “I told you about Nicole,” he said, “but I had another relationship, before her and after you…with a man.  It lasted less than a year, and again, I told no one. He didn’t tell anyone either.  He was married, and they were having a difficult time.  I think he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do, you know?”  He slowly ran his hand up and down Rafael’s forearm.  “I thought I was in love with him for a while, but then I met Nicole, and…”  Shaking his head, he said, “He went back to his husband, and Nicole and I started to see one another.  Then that crashed and burned, and I ended up with Amanda…” He forced a smile.  “Very exciting stuff, huh?  What about you?”

Rafael scratched Sonny’s chest with his fingernails and smiled.  “Well, I continued to fantasize that one day Olivia and I would find each other, then I unplugged a baby’s life support, so that kind of put a damper on that romance.  Then Celia happened, and then I became a dad, and I’ve been basically celibate ever since.  She’d kill me if she knew I told you this, but Rita and I have hooked up a couple of times.  That’s nothing new, though.  That’s been going on for the better part of thirty years.”

Sonny’s eyebrows shot up.  “Really?  What about–”

“Not when I’m with someone else, Sonny.”  Rafael kissed him gently.  “Never then, okay?  And thank you for telling me.”

Sonny nodded, then caught Rafael’s hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to it.  “I hated lying to you.”

“Well,” Rafael admitted, “I kind of figured it out.  Let’s just say you’ve learned an awful lot since the last time we were together.”

Slowly, Sonny grinned.  “Really?” he asked.  “You liked it, huh?  I gave it to you pretty good, huh?” he teased, and Rafael pinched his nipple.

“Relax, loverboy.”  Rafael moved to his own pillow, getting comfortable.  “Let’s see how well you can impress me in the morning.”

Chapter Text

“Hey, Lulu!  Look at me, baby!” Rafael’s tiny Tigger turned toward her papi and waved to him, a huge grin on her face. 

They had just finished the carnival at his mother’s former school, and Lucy was going to spend the night with her abuelita.  Amanda had been kind enough to allow Sonny to bring the girls; they’d met up earlier and by all accounts, everyone had fun.  Jesse spent most of her evening playing the games–especially the Creepy Cake Walk–while Billie and Lucy played on the giant blowup bounce houses and slides.  Sonny and Rafael kept watch on all three, while Lucia volunteered at the Spooky Snack Shack.  But now, it was almost eight, closing time, and Sonny needed to get the girls home.

“Bye, Lucy!” Billie called to her new friend as Sonny helped her get her coat on, over her Batman costume.  “Have lotsa fun wif…wif your gwamma!  Bye!”

From her abuela’s arms, Lucy waved excitedly.  “Bye, Biwwie!  Have fun wif your…wif your Sunshine Daddy!”

Billie looked at Sonny and giggled.  “She called you Sunshine Daddy!  I telled her you were Sonny, kinda wike Sunshine.”

Sonny shook his head and bopped her nose gently.  “You are something else, Wilhelmina Rollins.”

Rafael gave his daughter and mother kisses and hugs, then checked on Jesse, who was tying her shoes.  “Need any help there, kiddo?”

She shook her head.  “I know how to tie my shoes, Uncle Wafi!  But can you help me with my big cake?  I won it for my momma, did you see?”

“I did!” he told her, handing her the jacket she’d worn in, and then picking up the cake.  “I bet it’s gonna be delicious!  Your momma’s gonna love it.”

“Uh-huh,” she confirmed happily, taking the jacket and following him over to Sonny and Billie.

Finally heading to Sonny’s SUV, Rafael put the cake on the floor, between the girls, and then helped Jesse buckle as Sonny helped Billie.  Then the two men got in, and they were headed back to Manhattan.

“Hey Daddy Sonny?” Billie called from the back seat.  Rafael couldn’t help but grin.  Hearing the little girl call his boyfriend “Daddy Sonny” was one of the cutest things he thought he’d ever heard.  “Tan you play that weally good music I like?  The one that pwetty girl sings?  Um…um… that looks like my sissy?”

“What is she talking about?” Rafael asked as Sonny hit a few buttons on the console.  He could see Sonny biting back a laugh.

“Taylor Swift,” Sonny answered, as Shake It Off came on, and both girls started to cheer.  “Billie thinks she looks like Jesse.”

Rafael snickered.  “Well, I guess she does, kinda.”

They enjoyed a mini-concert all the way back to the Rollins apartment, with Shake It Off being replayed to the point of obnoxiousness.  Rafael finally focused on listening to the girls; Jesse singing half-correct lyrics, and Billie joining in for the main chorus.  “Cause the plays gonna play play play, an’ them hateys gonna hate hate hate, baby I jus’ gonna shake shake shake it off!  I shake it off!” Billie sang at the top of her lungs.  “Arm breakuhs gonna break break break, and the fakuhs gonna fake fake fake–” she continued, as Rafael began to laugh.  Sonny joined him a second later.

“Did she just say–”

“Arm breakers?  Yep,” Sonny confirmed.

“Pway it again!  Pway it again!” the girls chanted, so Sonny did, and by the time they pulled in front of Amanda’s building, all four of them were loudly singing about arm breakers, fakers, hateys, and shakers.

“I’ll run them up,” Sonny told Rafael, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes.  “Hang on girls, I’ll get you out.  Watch out for the cake,” he directed.  A minute later, Sonny was out, opening Billie’s door, which was closest to the sidewalk.  “Hang on and let me get the cake first, Bille baby.”  Once he grabbed the cake, Billie climbed out of her seat and bounded over to Rafael.

“Bye-bye, Mistuh Unca Wafi-man!” she told him, giggling, and Rafael gave her a quick tickle, then kissed her cheek.

“Goodnight, Billie!” With Sonny’s encouragement, Billie climbed out of the SUV, and Jesse waved at Rafael.  He smiled and waved back, then called, “Goodnight, Jess!  Thanks for coming to the carnival!”

“Bye Uncle Wafi,” she said, then climbed out.

Sonny grinned.  “Be right back,” he said, closing the door.  Rafael watched the three climb up the stairs to Rollins’ second floor apartment, before stopping and knocking on the door.  It opened a minute later, and the girls ran inside as Sonny handed over the cake.  Rafael could see the man’s smile; the door closed, and Rafael watched as the smile disappeared.  Sonny seemed to let out a heavy sigh, then head back to the SUV.

“You okay?” he asked when Sonny got in, and Sonny forced one more smile.

“Fine,” he replied, reaching over to hold Rafael’s hand.  “Your place tonight, right?” He paused for a moment.  “Rafael…you think you can take care o’ me tonight, maybe?”

“Yes,” Rafael confirmed, squeezing Sonny’s hand as they merged back onto the street.

*****

He was breathtakingly beautiful.

Rafael sat back on his shins, admiring the nude figure in front of him.  Sonny’s hands were cuffed to Rafael’s headboard with a set of fancy leather cuffs, and Sonny’s own tie was tightly wrapped over his eyes, obscuring his vision.  Rafael watched with excitement as Sonny bit his lower lip nervously, shifting slightly on the bed.  He’d never done this before–or at least that’s what he told Rafael–but he wanted to try.

“Please, Rafi?” he nearly begged when they entered the bedroom.

Rafael could feel the anxious energy coming off Sonny in waves.  He’d been tightly wound all evening, and it had only gotten worse since dropping off the girls at Amanda’s.  Rafael had the sneaking suspicion that it probably had to do with custody issues between the two, but he didn’t want to push the issue when Sonny hadn’t brought it up.  What Sonny did bring up was a need to let go, for someone else to be in control of it all for a while.  That was something Rafael could do, and he’d kissed his lover deeply, then easily slid into a more dominant role.

Now, as Sonny shifted restlessly on the bed, Rafael sat to his side, watching him.  The long, lithe body, the slim musculature that most people assumed wasn’t there.  Most people assumed that Sonny was just lean and lanky, but Rafael had seen the muscles hiding under the man’s clothing, and right now was a perfect time to appreciate them.  He relaxed as he sat on his shins, taking the opportunity to enjoy the view. As his boyfriend flexed and relaxed his arms, then his legs, Rafael took himself in hand and slowly began to stroke himself.  He was fairly certain that Sonny was nervous, and that was the reason he was moving so much.  Having that kind of control over his boyfriend was hot.

“Rafi?” Sonny murmured quietly, despite the fact they were the only people in the apartment.  He shifted his head from one side to the other, trying to figure out where Rafael might be.  Seeing his expression become slightly stressed, Rafael slid closer on his knees.

“I’m here, soleado.” He spoke calmly, gently, before sliding a hand slowly over Sonny’s chest.  “You’re so beautiful, Dominick…do you know that?”  Reaching up, Rafael traced the line of Sonny’s bottom lip.  “Just lovely.  Every time I kiss these lips, I think of how they look wrapped around my cock.  Something else with which you’ve become quite skilled at, hmm?”  Smiling to himself, Rafael lowered himself to Sonny’s ear.  “You learned a lot while we were apart, didn’t you?” he whispered, then nipped Sonny’s earlobe.  The man gasped, and Rafael watched his adam’s apple bob in his throat.

“I love to suck you,” Sonny confessed, licking his lips.  Rafael wasn’t sure if that was added for his benefit or not, and he bit back a chuckle.  “I can do it now, if you want…just like this,” he insisted.  “Straddle my face…let me show you, Rafi.  Let me make you feel good.”

“Ah, but I wish I could,” Rafael sighed, running an open hand over Sonny’s face, down to his throat.  He let it rest there, with just the slightest bit of pressure.  “Have you forgotten who’s in charge tonight, mi amor?  Let me give you a slight hint:  it isn’t you.”

This time, Rafael felt the adam’s apple as it bobbed once, twice.  “You are, Rafi…it was just a suggestion.  I thought you might like it…you might not know I’m comfortable doing that…”

Now Rafael did chuckle.  “Thank you for looking out for my needs so thoroughly.”  Removing his hand from Sonny’s throat, he reached down and tweaked a nipple with enough force to cause Sonny to gasp loudly, then bite his lip.  “If I need any more suggestions regarding how to use your body, I’ll certainly ask.”  He pressed a kiss to Sonny’s jaw, then slid down the bed and stood up on the floor.  Opening the bottom nightstand drawer, he dug around and pulled out a vibrating cock ring, a hot pink dildo, and some lube.  Glancing back at Sonny, he picked up the dildo, examining its size and heft. Too thick, he decided, slipping it back into the drawer. After poking around a minute, he pulled out another one–a purple tie-dye number that glowed in the dark. It was long and slim, and would be far more comfortable for someone whom he suspected hadn’t bottomed in a long time–if at all.  

Sonny was shifting restlessly again, biting at that poor bottom lip.  “ Baby,” he murmured, kissing Sonny’s temple, “are you sure you want to do this?  We can stop whenever you want.”

“I’m just a little nervous, I guess,” he muttered, cheeks flushing with embarrassment.  “What were you getting from the drawer?”

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Rafael untied the tie around Sonny’s eyes.  “A few things, actually,” he explained, as Sonny blinked a handful of times, adjusting to the low lighting.  “This is a vibrating cock ring that I had thought I’d try on you…and, uh, this…I was gonna ask if you might be interested in me fucking you with this.”

Rafael watched as Sonny’s breath hitched slightly, clearly aroused at the thought.  “Uh, yeah…y’know, I haven’t, um…I don’t usually bottom…I did a coupla times with that other guy, but that’s it…”

Rafael nodded.  “It’s completely up to you.  If you want to try, I’ll go slow and be very gentle, but if you don’t, that’s fine.  But that’s why I grabbed the cock ring–I thought the dildo might get you going too quickly, you know?”

Sonny’s eyes slowly moved from the toys to Rafael’s.  “I’m ruining this, aren’t I?” he asked, and before Rafael could answer, he said, “Maybe we just start with one toy? Then next time we can add the other, if you want…I’m sorry, Rafi…I’m just…”  He let out a nervous laugh.  “You’re a little overwhelming like this.”  Sonny’s body was flushed, and he had a thin sheen of sweat covering every inch of his skin.  

Rafael ran his fingers through Sonny’s bangs, until his nervous laughter calmed.  “You sure you want to continue?” Rafael asked again.  “I’ll put the dildo away for tonight, but are you sure you’re okay with the cock ring?”

Sonny nodded.  “I’m green, Rafi. I’ve just, uh…I’ve never used one before.”

“Really? It’s fairly simple…I can teach you how to put it on if you want…”  And with hardly any effort, he easily manipulated the cock ring around Sonny’s cock and balls.  Sonny was impressed.

“Wow,” Sonny remarked, looking down at his package.  “And it really works?”

“Well, I guess you’ll find out,” Rafael answered him snarkily, and Sonny chuckled, then lay back and relaxed.  

Rafael stretched out beside him, one hand playing with Sonny’s cock and balls, as he watched Sonny’s face from just inches away. Sonny’s hands were still tightly bound to the headboard, but now Rafael could see every expression on his lover’s face. A kinky thrill licked through Rafael’s gut as he fondled the hot, stiff cock in his hand.  Sonny’s eyes shifted from his cock, beginning to drip pearly precum, to his lover’s face, sweet and attentive, and a quiet moan escaped him. 

Upon hearing the soft sound, Rafael cast a smile in his lover’s direction.  He then leaned over and slowly licked Sonny’s swollen bottom lip before tugging it firmly with his teeth.  “Fuck, you’re so pretty,” he groaned, sliding a finger behind Sonny’s balls and firmly rubbing his perineum.  Sonny cried out as his hips fucked upward into the air, and Rafael smiled to himself.  Rubbing again, this time a little more gently, he leaned down and gave a quick nip to the skin on Sonny’s stomach.  “You’re okay, mi soleado,” he murmured, as Sonny groaned and shifted his hips. “Feel good?  Or no?”

Sonny quickly nodded his head.  “Good, good.” 

Grabbing the lube, Rafael carefully finished preparing them both, then straddled his lover’s hips.  He clutched Sonny’s cock, aiming it carefully, then stopped for a moment.  “Still green, babe?”

“As a fucking tree at Christmas,” Sonny replied, and Rafael slowly lowered himself onto the other man.  It took only seconds for both of them to groan in pleasure.  Immediately, Sonny began to thrust upward, but Rafael quickly slapped one hand to his chest and pushed him back down.  “Don’t you dare,” he gasped.  “This is my show, detective!”

Sonny huffed a laugh.  “I haven’t been a detective in–”

“I don’t care!” Rafael growled, pulling himself up until just the head was barely within his rim.  “We can stop right now if you don’t listen better.  Entiendes, mi nino bonito?” (Understand, my pretty boy?)

Rafael hovered in that position, leg cramping be damned, until Sonny finally responded.  “Yes, I got it,” he gasped, and Rafael slid back down, giving both of them a moment of relief. Once his legs had relaxed, he slowly drew himself up again before dropping back down, over and over, until they both were gasping and desperate. “Oh God,” Sonny moaned.  “More, Rafi?  Please?  Please give me more.”

Feeling powerful, Rafael grinned.  “Are you being a good boy now?  My good boy?” he teased, twisting a nipple until Sonny groaned, his hips thrusting upward again.  Rafael paid him little mind, rolling his own hips in pleasure, then lifting himself up again.  “If you want it, I need to hear what a good boy you are, nino bonito…”

“I’m your good boy, baby,” Sonny panted desperately, trying to thrust upward repeatedly.  “I’m your good boy.  I’ll do whatever you want, daddy…I promise…”

Well.  That was an interesting turn of events.  “Let’s see if you do,” Rafael told him sharply, then leaned over and licked his way into Sonny’s mouth.  When he pulled back, they were both panting.  “I’m going to do the moving.  You stay still…if you’re able.  And if you’re good, then I’ll give you a present.” His grin was practically maniacal, and Sonny swallowed, hard.

Rafael took his time, moving up and down however his body so chose.  He randomly tweaked a nipple, licked and sucked hickeys on the other man’s neck.  He finally reached behind him, resting his hands on Sonny’s knees, and rose and dropped himself repeatedly, faster and faster.  “Fuck,” he gasped, ready to come himself.  Letting go of Sonny’s knees and leaning forward, he rested one hand on Sonny’s chest, the other wrapping tightly around himself.  “All right, baby,” he gasped, “it’s your turn.  Go ahead.  Get us off.”

Sonny’s chest was heaving as he thrust upward; Rafael met him with a quick and firm thrust down.  It took only seconds for them to find a dirty rhythm together, each of them ready to come with the other.  Realizing that Rafael’s eyes were closed and he was on the edge, Sonny gasped, “Rafi…c’mon, baby…shoot your jizz on me, daddy.  Get me dirty.”

Rafael groaned loudly, shooting cum repeatedly onto Sonny’s chest and stomach.  Sonny thrust upward two, three more times before he climaxed, spilling himself deeply into the other man.  “Fuck,” he moaned softly, as he felt Rafael’s body lying exhaustedly on top of his own.  Sighing, he closed his own eyes for a moment.

It was quiet, with the exception of their heavy breathing trying to get back to normal.  After a moment, Rafael moved forward, allowing Sonny’s cock to slide out of his body, then reached up and released Sonny’s wrists from the handcuffs. Sonny brought his hands to Rafael’s back to gently rub it.  As Rafael’s head came to rest on Sonny’s shoulder, Sonny kissed him softly on the cheek.  “I love you, Rafael,” he whispered.

“Te amo, mi Soleado,” Rafael returned, and each man’s eyes tiredly slipped closed.

*****

“G’night, Go-willa!” Lucy exclaimed excitedly with her papi as they finished their bedtime story.  It was a regular Wednesday night.  They’d had arroz con pollo for dinner, and Lucy had happily cleaned her plate, much to Rafael’s delight.  He loved it when he didn’t have to nag his daughter to eat.

“All right, Lulu…time to go night-night, just like Gorilla,” he told her, holding up the covers so she could climb inside.  Even as she got under the covers, she was still asking the nightly question.

“Pah-pee…Pah-pee, tan we wead anothuh one?  Pwease pwetty pwease?” she asked.

The “please pretty please” was new–something he’d picked up from Billie–but he tried to ignore it.  Smiling, he simply repeated, “Time for night-night, love.”  Tucking the covers around her tiny body, he leaned down to kiss her little forehead.

“Hey Pah-pee?” she asked.  “Tan we wead anothuh one tomorrow?”

Rafael smiled, then gently bopped her nose.  “Of course we can, sweetheart.  Time to rest now.  Have sweet dreams, baby.”  He turned from her bed to head out of the room.

“Pah-pee?”  He turned around, and her little arms were up, motioning for a hug.

I’m such a sucker, he thought as he felt her tiny arms around him, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.  He always went back when she asked for a hug.  Now he stood up and whispered, “Night-night, Lucy.  Go to sleep.”

“Otay, Pah-pee,” she whispered back.  “Fanks for the hug!”

He was still smiling when he entered the kitchen to finish his glass of wine.

“She go down okay?” Quinn asked as she finished the dishes, and he nodded.

“Yeah.”  Swallowing his wine, he hummed.  “Hey, do you think they’ll ever write a sequel to that Goodnight, Gorilla book?” he asked.  It was a joke between them, how much Lucy requested that book, and how utterly tired and bored both of them were with it, particularly considering it had very little text.

“And what, require the author to come up with twelve more words for a story?” Quinn asked, and they both laughed.  “I think you have some high expectations there, Rafael.”  

“Probably,” he replied, just as there was a knock on the front door.  Both adults looked at one another, confused.  “You expecting anyone?” he asked her, to be sure, and she shook her head.  Rafael got up and approached the door, taking a look out the peephole.  

Sonny was there, looking highly anxious as he shifted foot to foot.  Rafael immediately reached over to unlock and open it.  “Sonny,” he said, surprised.  “Come on in, honey.  What’s going on?”

“She’s doing it, Rafi,” he said,  starting to pace.  “She’s takin’ my kids from me.  All of ‘em.  I don’t understand how she can think for a minute that it’s okay to keep any of those kids from me when I’m the best damn father they’ve ever had!”  

His voice was sharp and had escalated just in the time he’d been talking.  Rafael had his hands up in a “stop” kind of position in response, just as a cry sounded from the bedroom and Quinn rounded the corner.

“Shit,” Sonny faltered, seeing the young woman and hearing the crying continue.  “I’m sorry, Rafi…I should go–”

Rafael caught him by the bicep.  “No, it’s okay.  Sit down for a minute.  By the way, this is Quinn,” he added, nodding toward the nanny.

“Hi,” Quinn said with a smile, then looked at her boss.  “I’ll get her.  Why don’t you talk with your…”

“Boyfriend?” Rafael supplied, unsure, looking at Sonny, who nodded.  “Yes, boyfriend.”

“Alrighty then,” Quinn replied, smiling still, and broke into a quick trot to Lucy’s room.

“Okay, take a breath, Sonny.”  Rafael lowered himself to the couch.  “What happened?”

Sonny was holding his face in his hands, elbows on his knees.  “I don’t even know, Rafi.  We met with our attorneys today to hammer out some details about the divorce.  I figured we’d be talkin’ about child support, possibly alimony, but next thing I know, she says she wants full custody.  My guy tries to explain that I haven’t done anything to deserve less than joint with any of those kids.  He points out that I’ve been there for all of ‘em, since they were born, right?  And he tells her i’m even willing to pay child support for all three of ‘em, even though I’m not the father of two of ‘em.  Know what she says?” he asked tearfully.  “She interrupts her lawyer and says, ‘there’s no need for that, because you’re not their father and you never will be.’ Then she says we can talk about custody for Nicky, but not the girls.  Rafi, I don’t think she’s plannin’ to let me see my girls anymore!  I asked her, point blank, and she never answered me…”  He burst into sobs, and Rafael wrapped his arms around him.  “I’m sorry,” he sobbed, eyes pressed into Rafael’s shoulder.  “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s gonna be okay,” he murmured, then glanced up.  Quinn had Lucy in her arms, and they were both watching from the hallway.

“I think Papi’s busy right now, Lulu,” Quinn quietly told the little girl.  “I’ll make sure he gives you a kiss as soon as he’s done.”

“Dat my Mistuh Sunshiney,” Lucy said then, rubbing her eyes.  “Why Mistuh Sunshiney twyin? Tan I give him a hug?”

Rafael could feel Sonny making huge efforts to get himself under control, and he was certain the man had heard his daughter’s voice.  They were still very new to each other, and Rafael felt badly that Sonny was probably embarrassed. 

Quinn had turned to head back to Lucy’s room, but Lucy wasn’t having it.  “Kih-nee!” she whined.  “Mistuh Sunshiney needs a hug!  I wanna get down!  Kih-nee, put me down!”

“It’s okay,” Sonny gasped, wiping his eyes and trying his best to be calm.  “Is it okay if I give Lucy a hug tonight?”

“Sure,” Rafael replied.  “I think that’s fine…Lulu, do you wanna give Mr. Sonny a hug?”

“Yeah!” she said excitedly, and Quinn set her down on the floor.  Lucy looked up.  “Fanks, Kih-nee,” she told the woman, patting her hip, then she toddled over to the couch, only hesitating once she got up close to Sonny.  Leaning into Rafael, she whispered, “Hi, Mistuh Sunshiney.  Why…why you twyin?”

Sonny forced a tearful smile.  “I just miss my kids,” he replied honestly.  “They need to stay with their momma right now, and I just miss them when we’re not together.”

“An’ you sad?” she asked, leaning on Rafael’s knee.

“Yeah, a little bit,” Sonny told her.

“You want a hug?” she asked him, and he glanced at Rafael.

“Lucy’s hugs always make me feel better,” Rafael said, “but it’s up to you, Sonny.  Lucy understands that not everyone likes hugs.  Right, Lulu?”

She nodded, still leaning heavily on his knee.

“I’d love a hug from you, Lucy,” Sonny told her, “thank you.”

She nodded happily, then hopped around Rafael’s knee, over to Sonny, and held her arms up.  He reached down to hug her, and she wrapped her arms around him the best she could, given their size differences.  When she finally pulled back, he let her go easily.  “All bettuh?” she asked, and he did his best to nod and sound convincing.

“Much better, Lucy.  Thank you.” Lucy’s smile turned into a grin, and she tried to climb onto her father.  Rafael stopped her and cupped her face in his hands.

“Thank you for your help, Miss Lucy.  Now it’s time for little girls to go to bed. Go with Quinn, please,” he directed.  

Lucy huffed, then held out her arms.  “Kissy?”  Rafael pressed a kiss to her forehead, then pointed to Quinn, and Lucy toddled over to her nanny.  Both men watched them disappear down the hall, into the little girl’s bedroom.

“I miss that,” Sonny sighed, his breath hitching slightly.  “Never in a million years did I think I would be in this situation, Rafi.”

Rafael’s hand slid over, taking Sonny’s hand in his.  “You know, if she’s going to play hardball, you could always sue to adopt…I mean, I don’t know if there’s any case law on it, but you’re married, and the plan had been for you to adopt them.  And as you said, your feelings toward the girls haven’t changed.  You’ve said this entire time you’re willing to support them, and you want them to know that you’re always there for them.  I think there’s a potential legal argument there, Son.  I mean, the only thing derailing the adoption is the fact you don’t want to be married to their mother anymore.  Being adopted by you is still in their best interests.”

Sonny grew quiet, then reached for a tissue.  “I hate that I’ve made her cry, Rafi.  The things I’ve said to her in the last month…”  He shook his head.  “If my mother heard those words come outta my mouth, she would have slapped me in the face.  I called my own wife a fucking bitch.”  He looked at Rafael, tears in his eyes.  “I’m supposed to protect her from those types of things, keep her safe from anyone who would impugn her character, and here I am, giving myself permission to say the nastiest, dirtiest things I can think of.  Maybe I really don’t deserve those girls.  If I can say those things to their mother, who’s to say I won’t ever say them to Billie? Or even Jess?”

Once again, Rafael pulled Sonny into his arms, stroking his hair.  He hated what this divorce was doing to Sonny, but in all fairness, he hated what it was doing to Amanda, too.  And he’d already watched Jesse last weekend, as she clung to Sonny and silently cried.  “I don’t want you to go, Daddy,” she’d whispered, and Rafael had to look away to keep from crying himself.

“I don’t have any answers,” he murmured as he rubbed Sonny’s back.  “All I know is that both you and Amanda are in a lot of pain, and you both are good people, Sonny.  I know neither of you wants to hurt those kids OR each other.”  Cupping Sonny’s chin, he brought his face up so they could see one another.  “Do you think she would agree to give it time?  Maybe if the two of you waited a little longer–”

“Waiting with her means I’ve got to wait longer to officially be with you,” Sonny said quietly, “and that’s something I don’t want to do.”

Rafael felt his heart impulsively flutter at those words.  He’d loved Sonny even when he knew he shouldn’t.  He’d wanted him for years, even when he wasn’t around.  He stroked the silver-golden hair with his hand and closed his eyes, and for a moment he was lost in a fantasy of sitting next to his husband, snuggling together after their kids had gone to bed.

“Rafi?” Sonny whispered, looking into his partner’s face.  “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  Rafael forced his eyes open and brushed Sonny’s hair from his face.  “What about therapy?” he asked.  “What if you and Amanda went to talk to someone about what’s best for both of you, plus the kids?”  Sonny was starting to shake his head no already, but Rafael continued.  “Look, honey.  You loved her long before you married her.  For years, Rollins has been your best friend.  She’s had your back at work a million times, just like you had her back at home with the girls…and vice versa.  I think that’s part of what’s hurting so badly–she’s truly your best friend, Sonny, and you’re hers.  You two are mourning the loss of that friendship, but I think…if you really want it…you two could get it back.”

“You really think so?” For the first time that evening, Sonny looked hopeful.

“I do,” Rafael assured him.  “I think you’d need a professional to help you talk it out and get back on the same page.  I know a couple people, if you’re interested.”

Sonny squeezed his hand.  “Sure.  Maybe later?”

Rafael nodded.  “Sure.  You want to stay tonight?”

Sonny sat up and peered down the hall, and Rafael chuckled, giving him a playful slap in the chest.  “She gets up at seven, and we leave at eight-thirty.  You could leave before or after, if you wanted to avoid anything awkward, or we can just say Papi had a sleepover.  Up to you.”

Sonny’s brows arched on his forehead.  “And she’d buy that?”

“She’s two, Carisi,” Rafael reminded him, rolling his eyes.  “She buys most things I tell her, thank God.”

“I’ll stay,” Sonny confirmed, “if that’s okay with you.”

“Not only is it okay,” Rafael told him, snuggling close, “it’s preferable.”

Pressing a kiss to Rafael’s forehead, Sonny smiled.  “I love you, baby.”

Chapter Text

Wednesday

“Mr. Barba,” Carmen said as she opened his door, “Ms. Rollins is here.”

Rafael nodded.  Unlike last time, he was expecting her. In fact, he’d invited her, and told her it wasn’t an option to decline when she’d responded with a firm, “no thanks”.  

“Show her in, please,” he directed, putting up his pen and closing the paperwork he’d been completing.

Amanda strode in quickly, not bothering to sit down.  “Do you have any idea how absolutely rude and degrading it is to be summoned to the office of my husband’s boyfriend?” she fumed at him.  “Whatever it is you want to talk about, I’m fairly certain it’s none of your business, Barba. I’ve already gotten to hear what a lousy bitch of a wife and mother Sonny thinks I am. What makes you think I need to justify myself to you, too?”

“You don’t,” he told her calmly, “but one day you may have to explain everything to those girls.  And I feel like I know you well enough to know you’re not going to want to start with your anger, Amanda. I know you love your children, and at one point you loved Sonny, too.”  He stood, rounded his desk, and motioned to the couch.  “Can we talk?”

She hesitated, then stepped over and sat down.  

“First of all, thank you for humoring me,” he told her as he took a seat next to her.  “We both know that you didn’t have to come here today.  We both know that you never have to speak to me again.  But Amanda, I’m in a unique position here.  I know both you and Sonny fairly well, and I see both of you in a massive amount of pain.  I hate that for you, and I especially hate it for Jesse and Billie, and even little Nicky.  I was just hoping that somehow, some way, I might be able to help you guys talk this out and reach some kind of agreement regarding the kids…something that’s in their best interest, you know?”

“You think you can do that, Rafael?” she asked angrily.  “Because I think there’s a hell of a lot you don’t know about your sweet, loving boyfriend when it comes to these kids!”

Forcing himself to keep his arms to his sides, Rafael simply said, “Tell me.”

“I know what you already think about me, Rafael,” she said sharply.  “You think I’m some kind of awful bitch of a wife, keeping my kids from a man who says he wants to be their daddy.  I’m always the mean one, the one who ruins everything for everyone.”  She shook her head, then quickly wiped tears from her face.  “He could see them more often if he stopped acting like an irresponsible dick.”

Rafael took a deep breath and tried to stay as calm as he could.  “Amanda, you know, I’ve been with him and your girls several times now, and I haven’t seen him being irresponsible with them.  Can you give me an example?”

“How many do you want?” she asked, temper flaring, and he reminded himself to stay calm.  He wasn’t here to be on Sonny’s side; he was here to help those kids.  “Maybe we should start with how he brought Billie home in sopping wet pants the night of that carnival!  I told him that she’s been having accidents, but did he check?  Did he even remind her to use the bathroom?”

Rafael thought back to that night a few weeks ago.  He remembered taking Lucy to the bathroom a couple times, but Billie told Sonny she didn’t need to go, and Sonny believed her.

“She’s also allergic to dairy.  He knows that, and has known that her entire life, but he still thinks it’s okay to give her ice cream.  I don’t know if you realize what happens if you give a lactose-intolerant child some ice cream, but with Billie?  She thinks he’s some kind of awesome parent because he says yes when Momma says no.  Then he brings her home and she gets sick!  I swear to God, you guys must have dairy every single time he’s got them, because she comes home, and by bedtime she’s having diarrhea.  Do you know how much fun it is to clean up diarrhea on a sleepy child, when it could have been avoided?”  She grabbed a tissue again.  “Not to mention how painful it is for her, or how much it’s messing up her digestive system,” she added, voice shaky.  “Or maybe you’d like to talk about Jesse and how he’d promised to be there for a special school activity–she was supposed to read a story to the entire second grade.  I was teaching at that time, and he said no biggie, he would go.  Guess who didn’t show up?”  She blew her nose.  “Look, I know as well as anybody how he probably had something come up, but he didn’t call her and explain–I think he just forgot.  But then I’m left with a crying child on my hands, trying to explain that Daddy Sonny really does love her, and he probably just had an emergency at work–”

“But did you have her call him?” Rafael asked.  “I know Sonny would want to explain that–”

“Of course I did!’ Amanda snapped tearfully.  “But then he won’t pick up his phone, because he thinks it’s really me that’s calling. And he’s blocked my texts, so there’s no point in even trying that.  You have no idea how hard this has been,” she muttered, rubbing her face with her hands, and he could hear her fighting back sobs. “And that’s just with the kids,” she managed, before giving in to the tears.

He let her cry.  After a minute or so, he began to stroke her back, hoping to help calm her, but she kept crying as though her heart was broken.  It IS broken, he reminded himself.  And honestly, there was nothing he could do to fix that.

“I thought he loved me,” she finally got out once her sobs settled into occasional tears. “I don’t understand how I was so wrong, Rafael.  He was my best friend…I feel like I’ve got a hole in my heart, and it’s never gonna heal.”

“But it will,” he told her, gently but firmly, and she sniffled again.  “Amanda, you’re an amazing woman.   If Sonny wasn’t the right one, then the right one is still out there, waiting for you, you know?” He handed her his handkerchief.  “I mean, Sonny could have stayed with you.  He could have kept all of this to himself and never told anyone, and then you’d be in a marriage with someone who wasn’t able to give you anything you deserve…like deep love, honesty, or passion.  And I feel like I know you well enough to know you want a marriage with those things, right?  I mean, I certainly do.  And as shitty as it is that Sonny chose now to discover himself, the good news is that he loves you, and he loves those three little kids, including the one you made together.”

“I don’t feel loved, and I don’t think he does either. We’ve said such horrible things to one another,” she admitted, trying to control her tears.  “Such awful things…”

“So take them back,” Rafael told her.  She looked at him as though he were crazy, but he just shrugged his shoulders.  “Look, all of those words are out now, on the table.  You can either leave it how it is, or you can take it back.  I happen to know that Sonny also hates many of the things he’s said as well.”

“I don’t really think he’s a dick,” Amanda sniffled.  “Just sometimes I get so mad…”

“Yeah, I know.” He rubbed her back some more. “Do you want the names of the therapists I was going to give to Sonny?  I can give ‘em to you, too, if you want.”

She smiled.  “I heard about that…and yes, please.”

Thursday

Pouring himself a cup of coffee, Rafael headed toward his mother’s kitchen table.  Lucia was deboning what was left of the turkey so she could put the carcass in a pot of water for broth.  “You’re going to take half of this, when I’m done,” she told her son.  “It’s an excellent base for soups, and Lulu will love to sip it just plain on a cold day.  You always did.”

“And somehow, I’m over here drinking your coffee instead,” he teased, and she pinched his cheeks.

“So where is this Mistuh Sunshiney I keep hearing about?” she finally asked.  She’d given him the entire day to bring it up, to share, to explain, yet he’d stayed as quiet as a church mouse.  “According to Lucy, he’s bright like the sunshine and has two kids and a baby–”

Rafael laughed.  “Last I checked, babies also count as kids!”

“Not according to your daughter,” she told him, then playfully slapped at his hand.  “I’m very surprised you didn’t bring him.  You could have, you know…there’s always room for more.”  She glanced at the empty seat her mother had always occupied, and Rafael gently clutched her hand.

“He’s someone I used to work with.  You never met him, I don’t think,” he shared, just as his phone vibrated in his pocket.  “Speaking of,” he muttered, seeing Sonny’s name on his screen.  He stood up and walked toward his childhood bedroom, away from his mother’s, where Lucy was napping.  “Hola, soleado,” he greeted quietly, smiling.  “Happy Thanksgiving.  How’s it going on Staten Island?”

“What did you say to her?” Sonny’s voice was short, clipped.  It took Rafael by surprise, although he immediately knew what the man was referring to.  It had to have been his conversation with Rollins the other day–the one he’d conveniently failed to mention to his boyfriend.  

“I, uh…I just reminded her that at one point you both loved one another, and that you both still love those kids, Sonny.  I’m sorry if–”

“Shut up, you genius,” Sonny told him tearfully.  “She dropped them off an hour ago and told me to bring them back tomorrow by four.  She said that two people who made something as  beautifully complex as our son had to be able to work this out.”  His voice was shaky.  “When I told her thanks, she said to thank you.  So that’s what I’m doing, Rafi.  I’m thanking you.  Oh–I’m also canceling our date tonight.  I’ve got the kids.”

Both men laughed, albeit tearfully.  “Well, I guess I’ll have to wait until Friday evening for you to polish my knob, like you promised,” Rafael replied, chuckling as he grabbed a tissue.

Sonny snorted. “Ah, don’t worry.  It’s on my calendar.”Rafael could suddenly hear background noise that had been absent, and realized that Sonny must have rejoined his family.  “I’m sure you already have plenty, but my ma is insistent on packing up a meal for you and Lucy.  So I’ll see you on Friday with lots of leftovers.”

“You do realize that Cuban mothers cook too, right?” he teased.

“Look at it this way, babe,” Sonny told him, “neither of us is gonna have to cook for weeks.”  He heard Sonny take a harsh breath, then say, “Say hi to Uncle Rafi, Billie-boo!”

“Mistuh Unca Wafi-Taffy!” he heard.  “Happy Thank-yous-give-it-to-me!”

He wasn’t even going to try to figure that one out.  “Same to you, Billie,” he told the little girl, laughing.  “Same to you.”

Friday

“Rafael Barba!”  Celia quickly approached their table with a wide grin, and Rafael tried to smile back as he urged Lucy to sit on her bottom one more time.  “Hey, babe,” she greeted, kissing him on the cheek before sliding into the seat across from them.  “And let me guess…this gorgeous baby must be Lucy Lu!”

He hadn’t smelled any alcohol on her, but Jesus, she seemed high.  He didn’t recall ever being her babe, but then again, he’d been wasted most of the time they were together.  “Yes, that’s Lucy,” he confirmed, smiling at his daughter, who was currently coloring a paper menu green.  “Lulu, can you say hi to…”  He looked at Celia for an answer.

“I’m Miss Celia, baby,” she told the little girl.  “I’m your belly momma!”

Rafael felt all of his fears abandon his body, and it was like taking a nose dive off a mountain.  By the time he’d realized all was good and he was catching his breath, Celia was asking about the menu.  “Sorry…I missed that?” he said.

“Oh, just wondering what’s good here,” she said as she turned the pages quickly.  “My mother thought it would be best if she did her own thing tonight,” she remarked, continuing to flip the pages.  “I think she was under the very wrong assumption that I would be talking to you about joint custody or something.”  Closing the menu, she looked at him and smiled.  “I have no intention of being a mother.  I didn’t when this happened, I don’t today, and I don’t see it happening in the future.  I just wanted to see what she looks like.”  And her eyes shifted to Lucy, whose green crayon had just broken.

“Aww!” Lucy cried.  “My twayon bwoked, Pah-pee! Do we gots anothuh one?”

Rafael smiled.  “I think we do, honey.  Here.”  He produced a small box of crayons, and Lucy picked a purple one to continue with.  “Can you say hi to Miss Celia?”

Lucy went to work on her paper, filling in any open spots with purple as she said, “Hi.”  Rafael held out his hand for the crayon, and she sighed loudly as she dropped it into his hand.  Her eyes looked into Celia’s then, and she tried again.  “Hi, Miss Celia.”

“Did you hear what Miss Celia told you?” Rafael asked his daughter.  “That she’s your belly momma?  You lived in her belly before you came out and lived with Papi.”

Lucy looked at both adults as though they’d lost what few marbles they had, then she said, “Dat’s nice, Pah-pee.  Tan I have my twayon now?”

He handed it to her as Celia burst into laughter.  “Sorry,” he told the woman.  “I tried.”

“You’re fine.  She’s definitely our child,” she replied, still chuckling.  “I really don’t know what to order, and I’m more nervous than I think I’ve ever been.  So maybe I’ll just eat later–”

“Celia.”  Rafael leaned forward and smiled.  “Their burgers are great.  That’s what we’re having.  Eat a burger, and then go.”

Slowly, she nodded, a softer smile appearing, and reopened the menu to the page with the burgers.

*****

“I thought you might be high, when you first came to the table,” he admitted over milkshakes an hour later.  

They both laughed heartily, then sipped on their shakes.  “Yeah, I’m sure I sounded like it. I’ve been crazy anxious about seeing you guys.  Then my mom and I…I don’t know how we managed to avoid that conversation until an hour before we were supposed to meet you, but we did.  I guess I just assumed she understood. I mean,I’ve been struggling with massive bouts of depression and anxiety ever since the baby was born.  I knew I didn’t want to be a mom, and I thought it would get better once I gave her to you.”  She sighed, glancing at Lucy, then back to Rafael.  “It hasn’t, really.  I’m on a bunch of meds, and I’m seeing a therapist every week, and I still think about ending it at least four times a week.  They say it’s postpartum.”  She pulled her arms around her.  “You know most of my history–I mean with my dad and all.  My shrink says that’s part of the reason it’s worse–that and the alcohol abuse–but Jesus. How long can a person be diagnosed with postpartum, you know?  I hate to say it, but you may need to watch her for signs of depression as she gets older.  I don’t like thinking that I might’ve contributed that to the gene pool, but I would hate not to mention it and for you to miss it, also.  Know what I mean?”

He nodded.  “I do…did you have any depressive episodes when you were younger?  Or just the postpartum, now?”

Celia’s eyes were focused on Lucy as the little girl yawned and rubbed her eyes.  “The earliest I remember feeling really awful, I was probably ten or eleven. All that mess with my dad started a couple years before that.  I’ve struggled off and on ever since then.  It’s all in the records I’m giving you.”

“Records?”

Lucy pawed at Rafael’s arm, and he helped her climb into his lap.  She yawned, then rubbed her face into his shirt, and snuggled close to him.  Celia watched the interaction closely, then reached into her bag, digging around, before pulling out a large envelope.  “Here,” she said, holding it out toward him, “I just thought you might need this stuff at some point.  It’s basically a medical history on me, so you’ll know everything if she needs to know–”

“Celia,” he interrupted then, holding both hands up, “what’s going on here?  Why are you trying to give this to me now?”

She froze for a moment, as though she’d been caught doing something wrong.  “Because who knows when I’ll see you again?” she replied, shrugging her shoulders as though she didn’t care one way or the other.  “I mean, I haven’t seen you in over two years, and this time was because I made extra effort.  I don’t come to New York hardly at all, and I don’t think you’re in Miami all that often anymore, are you?’

“Uh, no…I guess it just sounded like you were preparing to disappear or something,” he replied, eyeing her carefully.  Something about this conversation made him uncomfortable, but maybe she was right.  They hadn’t seen each other in two years, and it could conceivably be longer than that in the future.

“I thought, as her father, you’d be glad to have her mother’s medical records,” Celia continued, flipping the envelope back and forth in her hands.  “But if not, no worries.  I can keep it–”

“Oh, quit,” he told her, taking the envelope out of her hand.  “I was worried about you.  You just told me how depressed you’ve been.  Can you blame me for jumping to conclusions?”

She smiled.  “No.  Probably not.  Sorry about that.” Staring at the back of Lucy’s head, Celia let out a soft sigh.  “Maybe I haven’t been very clear with you either, Rafael.  I’m not planning to see her again after tonight.  I mean, maybe one day I’ll say to myself, I wonder how that kid is doing…the one with Randy Barber?”  She shot him a wink and a grin. “But really, I don’t think that’s going to happen, Rafael.  And as she gets older, please make sure she knows that, and she knows it’s because something was wrong with me, not her.  She’s obviously a beautiful little girl, and any normal woman would be thrilled to have her as a daughter.  It’s just me.  There’s a letter for her in that envelope addressing my shortcomings, if she’s ever interested, and if you ever want to share it with her.  But that’s completely up to you.  You’re the parent here, not me.”  She picked up her milkshake again.  “You do seem like a really good dad, Rafael.”  She motioned toward Lucy, who was now softly snoring in his lap.  “My dad was never like you.  She clearly adores you.”

Rafael let out a soft snort.  “My dad was never like this either.  Quinn, Lucy’s nanny, has taught me a tremendous amount.  That’s due in large part because of you, Celia.  You insisted she have a live-in nanny who could teach me, and it’s worked out incredibly well.”

“Yeah?” she replied, a soft smile crossing her face.  “Who knew I’d have an idea that was so helpful for my daughter?”  Before he could address the merit of her ideas, Celia asked, “So tell me…are you seeing anyone these days?  Is Lucy getting a real mommy anytime soon?”

Rafael kissed Lucy’s head.  “No, no mommies in the picture,” he told her, trying to decide how much he wanted to disclose.

“Sorry to hear that,” she told him, finishing her milkshake.  “You always struck me as a good guy, just having a hard time when we were together.  Are you just not dating these days, or is it something else?”

He chuckled.  Clearly he wasn’t getting out of this question easily.  “Actually, Celia, I’m dating a man.  I think we may have discussed him once…he was the detective I’d seen for a short while a few years back–”

“I remember!” she exclaimed.  “Detective Sunshine–because he was a hottie, right?”  She winked at him again.

He had no plan to ever let her know exactly how close to Sonny’s real name she was.  “Yeah, something like that,” he told her.  “Well, I probably should get this little one home…she’s obviously worn out.”

Celia nodded.  “Yeah, okay.”  Reaching into her wallet, she pulled out a twenty and handed it to 

him.  “Is that enough to cover mine?”

Rafael shook his head.  “Don’t worry about it,” he told her.  “I’ll take care of it–”

“Shit,” she suddenly said, and sank back into her seat.  “I meant to ask you–do you need or want support for her?  Because if you do, I can–”

He shook his head again.  “No, Celia…we’re good.  I promise, okay?”  He knew she was only working part time as it was, and his salary was more than enough to pay for Lucy’s needs.  “We’re good,” he repeated.  She anxiously nodded, then shoved the twenty back into her wallet.

“Well, if you ever need anything…if she ever needs anything…”  Nervously, Celia rung her hands.  “Look, Rafael.  I’ve set up a trust for her.  The banking information is also in that envelope.  You can access it, and she can once she’s eighteen.  It’s not millions of dollars, but it should be enough to help her go to school or something if she wants…oh.  And also.  My mom…I don’t know if she’s gonna drop this idea of regular visitation or joint custody or whatever right away, but if she calls you, all you need to do is tell her that you know exactly what my dad did to me.  That should shut her up but good.  Okay?”

He paused, unsure of what to say.  He’d met her mother exactly once, for less than an hour, the day that Lucy was born.  He had no desire to ever see the woman again.  “Um, okay?  I guess, if you find out she intends to pursue anything, you’ll let me know, right?”

She nodded.  “Of course,” she replied, then gathered her things and stood up.

Rafael slid Lucy’s jacket on her arms, then carefully got out of the seat and stood up, balancing her on his shoulder.  “Oh–Celia.  I didn’t ask, and I should have–would you like to hold her, or get a picture, or anything?”

“Uh…I don’t want to wake her up or anything,” she finally responded a bit awkwardly.  Then she stepped to his side and pressed a gentle kiss to the little girl’s temple before stroking her dark hair.  “Well, we definitely made a pretty baby, anyway,” she murmured, and he smiled.

“Have a safe trip home, Celia.”  He nodded, smiling, in her direction.

“Thanks, Rafael.”  She waved, then quickly headed out of the restaurant to catch a taxi, and a few minutes later, he was getting into an uber and buckling up.

Chapter Text

Rolling over, Rafael kissed Sonny sweetly.  “I love you, mi soleado,” he murmured, and Sonny’s smile grew bright.

“I love you too, Rafael.”  He pressed a kiss to Rafael’s nose.  “Do you want me to leave, since Lucy’s here?”

It was a Tuesday night in January, and Sonny had joined Rafael and Lucy for dinner.  The little girl was growing to greatly enjoy her papi’s “special friend”, and it was obvious that Sonny was delighted to spend time with Lucy, too.  Since Sonny and Amanda had begun couples therapy, their relationship as friends had started to heal.  Amanda had been able to tell Sonny some of her concerns, and Sonny had made an extra effort to do better.  He’d asked Rafael for help, especially regarding Billie’s diet, and they’d managed to find a nearby ice cream shop that had plenty of non-dairy treats that Billie loved. Each Friday night was a fun kid-and-dad get-together, usually with a sleepover.  Then Sonny would take the kids to Amanda’s while Rafael dropped Lucy off at his mom’s, and it was a strictly-dad sleepover on Saturday evenings.

Sonny’s kids were his first priority, and he made sure Amanda knew it.  They worked out a reasonable visitation schedule, where he had the kids two evenings a week at his place after school, and Amanda picked them up after dinner.  Those days occasionally varied, but were usually Mondays and Wednesdays, because it was easier for him to leave his office earlier on those days. Quinn still stayed later on Thursday nights, so occasionally, he and Rafael would go on a date.  Rafael loved to take him to the theater, and Sonny loved to go.  Sonny preferred to take Rafael to sports games, and they’d enjoyed a handful of basketball games over the last few months.  But tonight had been Tuesday, and when Rafael had texted him around five, Sonny honestly couldn’t think of anywhere he’d rather be.

They’d been dating since the past May, and Valentine’s Day would be coming up soon.  As Sonny had pondered what he wanted to do for the people he loved in his life, he realized he was so much happier, so much more content this year than he’d been in any year past.  And he knew that was in large part because of the fact he had become much more comfortable in his own skin.  For once, he wasn’t hiding himself from anyone, and that included his boyfriend.  There were times that a lie would be easier or feel more natural; there had even been a handful of times he’d start to tell one.  But then he’d stop, reconsider, and tell Rafael the truth.  “I’m sorry, baby…that wasn’t the truth,” he’d say, and Rafael had come to accept it with a gentle smile and a squeeze of his hand.  “Tell me your truth,” Rafael would encourage him, and Sonny knew that as long as he tried his best to share himself, Rafael would accept whatever that was.

He also knew that Lucy was Rafael’s top priority as well.  It was a conversation they’d had again around Christmas, to ensure they each understood the other.  And that’s how he found himself asking the same question tonight that he asked most nights he stayed over when Lucy was there: would Rafael prefer he leave early, before his daughter awoke?

Rafael’s smile was warm, sexy, and Sonny found himself wanting to repeat the activities they’d just finished.  “Mmm, I don’t think so,” he replied, voice warm and sensual.  “You do know you’re one of her favorite people these days.  She’ll love to see you in the morning.”

Sonny smirked at him.  “She’s okay with her papi’s sleepovers?”

Rafael chuckled.  “Of course, if you’re there.  Plus, she knows she’s getting a special sleepover with her friends on Friday night.”  He reached over, tangling his fingers into Sonny’s hair.  “We’re so lucky that our kids get along so well, you know? And I’m so thankful you love Lulu…”

“Hey, that goes both ways,” Sonny whispered, stroking Rafael’s face.  “I know my kids can be a handful, but you act like you adore each of them.  Even when Billie taught Lucy how to sing half of ‘Baby Got Back’.”

They both began to laugh, remembering the afternoon that both little girls were singing, “baby got BACK!”, then slapping themselves on their rears. Their laughter grew, until they both were giggling in near hysterics at the memory, and at each other. “At least it was funny!” Rafael snickered, wiping tears from laughter out of his eyes.  “Neither of us may win Father of the Year for that one, but at least we were entertained!”

Sonny finally caught his breath from laughing.  “So was everyone in the park that day,” he chuckled.  “Say what you will about Billie, but my God, that kid is funny, Rafi!  It’s one of the things I love the most about her, y’know?”

“Mmm,” Rafael hummed in agreement.  “She definitely has her own perspective on the world.  My hat is off to you and Rollins, raising a kid like that.  I can imagine it’s not always a picnic.”

Sonny let out a sigh.  “No, it’s not.  But I wouldn’t trade her for the world.  To me, Billie’s easier to parent, because she’s so in your face, y’know?  Like, I never doubt what she’s thinking, because she’s always telling me!  But Jess…she’s so quiet most of the time.  She’s the one I worry sometimes that I’m not reaching.  Then again, Amanda’s real good with her, so maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.”  He was quiet for a moment, then said, “As long as Nicky gets his food on time and a clean diaper every few hours, we’re good right now.”

Rafael laughed.  “That’s true.  He’s a happy little guy, as long as he’s fed.”

“You ever worry about Lulu?” Sonny asked, turning his head to look at Rafael.  “She seems pretty easygoing, most of the time, but I predict she’s gonna be a big talker.  She already talks a LOT for someone who’s not even as old as my Apple watch.”

Rafael slapped Sonny’s stomach playfully.  “You and that watch…you’re obsessed.”

“Well, it’s pretty useful…” Sonny was examining it, and Rafael sighed. 

“Of course I worry about Lulu.  She’s my baby.” Rafael rolled onto his side to face Sonny, who had finally left his watch alone.  “Sonny…this relationship with us, between us…where do you see this going?  Or is it just a casual kind of thing for you?”

Looking into Rafael’s face, Sonny could tell immediately how serious this was to the other man.  He reached over and gently brushed Rafael’s sweaty bangs back.  “I love you, Rafi.  This is serious for me.  I don’t want to scare you off, but, uh….babe, you’re my end game.”  He let out a soft chuckle.  “I realized the other day how content I am.  How I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life…happier with myself, you know?  I feel like I finally know who I am and where I’m supposed to be going, and with whom.”  Stroking Rafael’s cheek, Sonny smiled.  “You and Lulu are part of my life now, and if it were only up to me, you’d be part of it for the rest of my life.  Not to scare you off or anything.”

Now Rafael chuckled, tears in his eyes.  “Yeah, I’m trying to ignore the fear pumping through my veins here,” he laughed, then leaned over and kissed Sonny deeply, passionately. “I love you, Dominick,” he whispered gruffly, when they finally separated.  “I love you with my entire being.”

“Rafi…” Gently, Sonny leaned over and kissed one of Rafael’s eyelids, then the other.  “Me too, baby.  You’re my everything.  I’m just sorry that I let you go the first time.”  Cupping Rafael’s face in his hands, he kissed him again, slow and deep.

When they finally came up for air, Rafael nipped Sonny’s chin.  “Don’t be sorry,” he gasped, still needing air.  “We didn’t belong together the first time; we both still had too much to learn and too much to do in our lives.  If we’d gotten together then, neither of us would have any of our kids.  I know personally, I probably wouldn’t be a father, unless you’d talked me into adoption somehow.” He ran a hand over Sonny’s shoulder.  “I can’t imagine my life without Lucy, and every day it gets a little harder to imagine it without you and the tiny trio, too.”

Sonny grinned.  “Tiny trio?”

Rafael kissed him on the nose.  “If the name fits…”

*****

He was sitting in Sonny’s lap, kissing him as Olivia rambled on and on about some perp they had yet to find.  Sonny was warm and felt good, and Rafael took the opportunity to pluck Sonny’s jeans button open and slide his hand inside.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Olivia barked at him, just as her phone rang.  She reached into her pants and pulled it out.  Rafael went back to kissing Sonny and jerking him off.

“Hello? What? Where are you?” she asked, as Rafael slipped his hand lower, massaging Sonny’s balls.  “Okay, yeah.  As soon as I can.”  She hung up her phone and tapped Rafael on the shoulder.  “Hey.  Rafael, hey.  C’mon, now.”  Irritably, he pulled his hand out of Sonny’s jeans and narrowed his eyes at her.  

“What?” he snapped, feeling her shaking his shoulder.  “Mmm…what?”

“Open your eyes, babe.”

He was having a good time and didn’t want to stop, but the shaking was insistent, and slowly his eyes fluttered open to see Sonny leaning over him with a smile.  “Hey baby,” Sonny murmured, giving him a soft kiss.  “I didn’t wanna leave without sayin’ goodbye.”

“What time is it?” Rafael peered at the clock, still feeling a bit disoriented.

“It’s almost six.”  Sonny fastened his watch, then sat on the edge of the bed.  “I’ve been called in on a case,” he explained quietly, stroking Rafael’s hair.  “Is it okay if I text you later?”

“Of course, babe,” he replied, leaning up so Sonny could kiss him goodbye. “Love you.”

As Sonny stood, they both heard the doorknob rattle softly.  Sonny unlocked it and opened it to reveal a tiny Lucy, rubbing her eyes.  “Sunshiney,” she murmured, “where Papi?”

Sonny scooped her up and carried her to Rafael, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead as he gave her to her father.  “Bye Lucy.  Have a good day, okay, sweetheart?”

“Tay,” she whispered, snuggling up against Rafael’s side.  Rafael smiled at Sonny as he left, then wrapped an arm around his daughter and closed his eyes for another hour’s sleep.

*****

Friday afternoon brought another light snow over the area, and Sonny and Rafael wrapped up their kids for a short trip to the park.  There were several inches of snow on the ground, and the only child who seemed to be able to trudge through easily was Jesse.  Billie followed in her big sister’s footsteps, making it a little easier to get through, but Lucy had no chance.  Rafael had dressed her in a new snowsuit, stiff and slightly bigger than she was, so even without the snow, she toddled awkwardly.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before she stepped on the snow, began to slowly sink, and tilted to one side.  It was like watching a fall in slow motion, and the only one who didn’t manage to burst into giggles was Billie.  Even Jesse clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from making it obvious she was laughing at the toddler’s slow fall into the snow.

“It’s otay, Lucy!  I’ll help you!” Billie called, trudging back to her little friend.  She tugged on Lucy’s snowsuit until the little girl was upright again and ready to walk.  “There you go!” she told her.  “Follow me, otay?”

Lucy nodded.  “Otay, Biwwie! I tomin’!”

Jesse turned around and made her way back to the younger girls.  “Here, Lucy.  I’ll help you.  Hold Billie’s hand and walk behind me, okay?”  And Jesse stomped out a path for the two younger girls to follow in, until they made it to the swings.

“Did you see that?” Sonny nudged Rafael.  “They’re all so cute together–I love watching them help one another.”

Rafael smiled.  “Your girls are so sweet to Lucy.  You know, she loves them, Sonny.”  Reaching over, he pulled Sonny’s coat out slightly to reveal Nicky’s blue hat.  The baby was strapped to Sonny’s chest, inside of the man’s coat to ensure he was warm enough.  Seeing Rafael checking on him, Nicky grinned a huge, toothless smile, and both men laughed.  “He’s such a happy little guy, Son,” Rafael remarked, then leaned forward and kissed the baby on the nose.  Nicky continued to grin, closing his eyes as Rafael’s face came closer, only opening them once the man had moved back.

They took a seat on a bench to watch the girls play.  “I wanted to thank you for recommending a therapist for Amanda and me,” Sonny shared.  “It’s working well.  For the first time in months, I feel like I’m being heard, and I think she feels the same.”.

“I’m really glad,” he replied.  “I love all of you, and I was hoping you’d be able to work this out.”  Reaching over, Rafael took Sonny’s gloved hand in his own.  “Hey, I was wondering how comfortable that studio apartment is for all of you these days.”

Sonny chuckled.  “I think you have an idea,” he joked.  “You’ve stayed over, and you get claustrophobic just spending the night!” It was true–you could stir something on the stovetop from your seat on the couch.  “I’ve thought about moving, but it’s a decent amount of rent, and I really want to make sure I can give Amanda a fair amount of child support.  If I lower that, the court may not want me to adopt the girls, you know?”

“I do,” Rafael agreed, “which is why I was wondering if you might consider moving in with us.”

Sonny’s eyebrows arched in surprise, but Rafael squeezed his hand.  “Look, soleado, both of us see this as a forever kind of thing, right?  And I have enough room.  There’s Lucy’s room and the guest room with the loft that I’ve used for my home office, and then there’s Quinn’s room. Quinn is planning to move on, mid-summer.  The girls could share a room until then, and then two of them could use Quinn’s old room.  Nicky could be in what is now the guest room, and you and I could still use the loft for an office.  I know the bathroom situation might be tight with all the kids, but we could make it work. I know right now you only have them overnight once a week, but this way we’d be set if you ever got them more often.  What do you think?”

Sonny’s eyes were full of tears as he chuckled.  “It sounds like ‘Yours, Mine, and Ours’, or ‘The Brady Bunch’,” he laughed.  “The Barisi Bunch,” he said a moment later, and Rafael kissed his cheek.

“The Barisi Bunch,” Rafael chuckled quietly.  “Perfect for us.  We need a sign for our door!”

Lucy toddled over then, and tried to climb onto Rafael’s lap.  He helped to pick her up and steady her.  “Papi, tan my fwiends spend da night?” she asked, as though they didn’t do this every Friday.

“I think so,” he replied, “as long as you mean Jesse, Billie, and Nicky.”

“Uh-huh!” she agreed.  “And Unta Sunshiney.  I wove him, too.”

Smiling, Rafael glanced at Sonny, whose eyes were filling with tears yet again.  “Yeah, I think that move-in idea of yours is a good one,” he told Rafael a moment later.  “Whenever you want us, we can make that work.”

“How about on the first?” Rafael suggested as Lucy slid off of him, toddling back over to the girls.

“You got it,” Sonny agreed.  “On the first.”

*****

He’d just gotten home from dropping Lucy off at his mom’s.  Sonny was out, taking the kids back to Amanda, so he had a little bit of time by himself for a change.  Pulling out the scotch, he poured himself a hefty serving to sip on, and was about to sit down, when there was a knock on his door.

The doorman hadn’t called up, so it had to be someone familiar. Taking a look out the peephole, he could hardly believe his eyes.  

Olivia Benson was on the other side.

Chapter Text

The last time Rafael had spoken to Olivia Benson, his daughter hadn’t even been born.  He’d wanted to talk to her about it, ask for advice, discuss a million things with her.  Instead, their conversation had broken down quickly, once again revolving around all the ways he had failed her by representing Richard Wheatley.  Never mind that he’d done it to save her ass, which would surely have been sacrificed by any other defense attorney. Never mind that he’d told Wheatley in no uncertain terms he would never work for the man again–even looking at that animal made his skin crawl.  And never mind that Wheatley was supposedly dead now.  None of it was enough for her to forgive him, to realize that love can sometimes extend beyond the need for forgiveness and exist no matter what could or might happen.  He had known then that he’d always love her, despite her inability to let this go, or her inability to love him no matter what.

He’d told her that he would be there, whenever she was ready to forgive him, trying to believe she had the capacity within herself to love him the same way..  

Her last words to him had been, “I miss you, too.”

Now he found himself looking at the back of his door, wondering if she was here because she was finally ready to forgive him.  And that’s when he realized it didn’t matter.  Her forgiveness didn’t matter, because he’d forgiven himself a long time ago.

Exhaling, he opened the door.  “Olivia,” he greeted with a terse smile, “I’m surprised to see you here.”

She returned the smile, stiff as it was, and asked, “Can I come in, Rafael?”

“Of course.”  He held the door for her as she entered.  “Just so you know, Sonny will be by in a little while.  He and I are together now, in case you didn’t know.”

Again, she gave him a forced smile.  “I’m aware.  Amanda and I keep up, and I still work with Sonny, you know.”  She took a seat on his couch, and watched as he stepped around the coffee table to take a seat next to her.  “I heard you have a daughter, a little girl,” she remarked, picking up a framed photo from the end table.  “Is this her?”

“Yes,” he replied proudly.  “That’s my Lucy.  She’s two, almost three now.”

“She’s absolutely precious,” Olivia told him, and her smile relaxed into something more genuine.  

“She is,” he concurred.  “She’s at my mom’s right now, though.  Is there a reason you stopped by?” he asked, curious as to why she was sitting on his couch.

He could tell she was nervous, or maybe uncomfortable, as she wiped her hands on her jeans.  “Yes, actually.  I need your help with an identification,” she told him, then reached inside of her coat and pulled a phone from her pocket.  “We had an unidentified death earlier this week.  Sonny may have mentioned it,” she told him.  “We thought at first it may have been a rape/murder, but after examining all the evidence and hearing from the medical examiner, it seems more of a self-harm situation that ended in death…we’re still not sure if it was suicide or accidental.”

“Okay…and you think I know this person?” he asked.

Olivia nodded. “The death occurred in a hotel room, but the hotel was given a name that didn’t match our victim.  She didn’t leave anything in the room with her name on it either, although she did leave her phone, and it had some photos.  I have a few of them here.”  She met his eyes.  “Obviously, I recognized you, and thought you’d be able to identify her.”  As she handed him the phone, she added, “I’m sorry, Rafael.”  

There were three photos in all, from years before, documenting the worst time in his life. On a beach in the hot Miami sun, his sunglasses and bright smile hiding the fact he had molly buzzing through his system.  Another where he was nuzzling her neck in some nightclub, drunk and horny. And the last, with them both nude and Celia perched in his lap, their eyes red-rimmed and glassy.  Traces of powder still on one of his nostrils, alcohol bottles littering the background, and she was sucking his neck. Her breasts were marked with numerous tiny bruises, evidence of his kinkiness.

He closed his eyes.  He couldn’t look at it anymore; his own memories coming at him at breakneck speed.

“Harder…harder, Rafael…I know you want more!  Fuck me like you want it!”

Buried in her as he sucked love bites repeatedly.  Her hands running up and down his back, nails scratching just enough  to leave a mark.  

Slamming her against the wall, over and over, hearing the smack of her body against the cheap drywall of the apartment.  Squeezing her neck tighter and tighter until she scratched at his wrist to let go.

“Slut…fucking whore…you know you want it, don’t you, bitch?...just a slutty fuckhole, aren’t you?”

He’d never dreamt of saying those words to a lover before, and certainly not after.  She’d told him she loved it rough and dirty, encouraged it every time.  It wasn’t until after, when he’d left Miami, that he considered the fact that he’d chosen that, too.  Was a willing participant in a known victim’s degradation.

He had hated himself for it, and a part of him still did.

“Rafa?  You with me?”

He heard Liv’s voice, seemingly distant, but he forced himself to look at her, to focus.  “Yes…her name is–I mean, was–Celia Cruz.  An attorney in Miami.  She’s uh, Lucy’s mother…the last time I saw her was Friday after Thanksgiving.  I didn’t know that she was in the city now. And I, uh…I didn’t know she had those photos.  Obviously they were from a long time ago.”

Liv nodded, jotted down a few notes, then flipped through her phone to another photo.  “Rafael, I just need you to identify her in this photo, so we’re sure we are talking about the same person, okay?”

He exhaled slowly, then nodded, and she showed him the photo. A dead Celia’s face, pale and lifeless. “Yes, that’s Celia,” he told her, trying to sound normal.  “Are you able to tell me how she died?”

Putting the phone back in her pocket, Liv replied, “Alcohol poisoning, the ME says.  Initially we weren’t sure…she had collapsed in the hotel bathroom and hit her head on the edge of the sink, we think. There was some aspiration, low body temp, and the ME thinks she may have asphyxiated on the vomit…overall, she’s calling it alcohol poisoning.” Liv rested a hand on his shoulder.  “Are you okay?”

“You know I don’t live like that now, right?” he asked, his voice a mixture of anxiety and aggression, challenging her to assume anything but the truth..  

“I know that,” she agreed.  “Those photos are older–I think they were dated from right after you left the DA’s office–”

“I was in a bad place,” he told her, feeling the need to explain.  “Obviously.  You know, you were there.  For some of it, anyway.” The words were out before he even realized what he’d said.

Her expression changed to something more defensive. “I realize that–” she had started, then stopped abruptly as the front door opened.  Sonny entered, dusting the snow off his coat..

“We’re gonna get pummeled,” he said, then looked up.  “Olivia,” he said, surprised.  “Is everything okay?”

“We’re fine,” she told him, standing up, then seemed to think better of her statement. “Rafa was helping us out with the ID of our victim this past week.”  Turning to Rafael, she nodded slightly.  “I’m truly sorry for your loss, Rafa,” she said quietly.  “If it’s all right, I’ll call you if we have any more questions.”

“That’s fine,” he agreed,  “I’m not sure there’s much more I can help you with.  Like I said, I’d only seen her the day after Thanksgiving, and didn’t know she was in the city…we don’t keep up.  Or didn’t…or–”

“I’ve got it,” she interrupted him, then smiled to soften it.  “Thank you for your help.”  Meeting Sonny’s gaze, she quietly murmured, “See you Monday, Carisi.”

Sonny nodded.  “Bye, Liv.”  He closed and locked the door behind her, then looked helplessly at his boyfriend.  “What do you need from me?” he asked.  “Tell me how I can help you.”

“Your victim the other day was Celia,” Rafael told him, slipping his hands into his pockets.  “The ME says it was self-harm, and alcohol poisoning.”  He stopped speaking and stared off into nothing for a moment.  “I need a nap,” he muttered, as much to himself as to Sonny, then  headed toward the bedroom, and Sonny watched him make his way to the back of the apartment, alone.

*****

It really was none of his business.

Even if he was madly in love with Rafael Barba, even if they’d planned to live together, even if he intended on marrying the guy, it was none of his business what was in that manilla envelope that Celia had given to Rafael back in November.

Rafael hadn’t even looked at it.  Oh, he’d given Sonny some song and dance about how Celia had said it was her medical records, in case Lulu ever needed them.  Plus a few other things, come to find out–including a letter for Lucy, one that supposedly explained why Celia was unable to be a parent.  Sonny wasn’t sure if he was a lot less trusting or just a lot more curious than Rafael, but he wanted to go through that envelope the night it came home.  He didn’t ask, though.  Again, it was none of his business.

Rafael had shoved it into a drawer in the home office, the second one to the bottom on the left of the desk.  Sonny had watched him and committed it to memory, in case Rafi forgot and one day needed it.

In Sonny’s opinion, the day Rafi needed it was today.  So he’d meandered into his boyfriend’s home office, dug through the second drawer to the bottom on the left of the desk, and grabbed the envelope Celia had carefully, neatly addressed to Rafael.

Actually, it said Randy Barber, Esquire.   Sonny snorted.

He’d heard all about how she’d called him Randy Barber until she’d tracked him down in Iowa to inform him of Lucy’s conception.  She’d even called him Randy when he’d answered the phone.  “Hey, Randy, it’s me, Celia…”.   According to legend, Rafael had snorted in her ear and told her he wasn’t and had never been Randy, but unfortunately, he definitely WAS the man she was looking for. Rafael himself told that particular legend, so Sonny knew it was true.

Taking the envelope back to the living room, Sonny settled himself on Rafi’s couch and carefully opened it.  Reaching inside, he pulled out its contents and lay them on the coffee table. It was clear that the envelope contained far more than just Celia’s medical records, and Sonny suddenly hesitated.  This really was none of his business.

He had to get a warrant to Liv so they could legally go through the room, and he’d hustled.  Judge Catano lived closest to Rafael’s apartment, so he’d stopped there before heading to the hotel.  “There you go,” he told Liv with a nod.  “You’re good to go through everything.”

It hadn’t been that long ago since he was a detective himself, and he could not turn off his brain.  Velasco, the new guy, was interviewing the hotel manager.  It was a small boutique hotel, nice but only needing a skeleton staff, so the manager was the one who did most of the check-ins.  He hadn’t seen Katherine Lowe since she checked in, which was odd, he’d remarked.  She had kept the “do not disturb” placard on her door the entire time, so the housekeeper had done just that, and left her alone.  However, one of the hotel’s other occupants had notified him late last night of a strange smell emanating from the room.  He’d intended to check it out before a few hours ago, but had been distracted by other tasks.  As soon as he’d smelled it, he had knocked, then entered; seeing the body had resulted in an immediate call to 911.

Sonny wandered back to the room, where the ME’s office was removing the body.  The victim’s body was nude, and had been found in the hotel bathroom, limbs resting askew, with a large blood stain on the corner of the sink above.  Upon first glance, Sonny felt his breath catch in his chest.  The woman appeared to have been brutally violated; there was a large pool of blood coagulated under her groin, and another under her head.

Stepping out of the bathroom, he observed the room, where his colleagues were looking for evidence.  There was a single small suitcase in a chair by the dresser, and a purse next to the television.  Olivia had gone through both, and was now pulling out the wallet and flipping through it.  “This makes no sense,” she mused aloud. “No ID, no credit cards, no anything in here.  I can’t find an ID on this woman anywhere.”

It was Fin who had found the trench coat in the closet, and tucked inside a lower pocket, the woman’s cell.  He powered it up, and immediately began to look for personal information.  Everything seemed to have been removed–no calls, no messages, nothing to track.  He knew they could call the provider and hopefully get some assistance there, but—

As he opened the photo album, Fin froze for a moment, then glanced up to see where Carisi was.  Realizing the ADA had stepped into the hallway, thank God, Fin slowly began to thumb through the photos.  Barba from a few years ago, doing things he didn’t know Barba had ever done…and doing them all with this woman, whoever she was.  “Liv,” he called, interrupting her discussion with a CSI tech.  She stepped over to him.

“Don’t know who she is, but he will,” Fin murmured quietly.  “You want me to call Carisi in here?”

“No.  I’ll handle it,” she told him, taking the phone and slipping the piece of evidence into a bag. “Thanks, Fin.”

When Sonny received the ME’s initial report two days later, it indicated there had been no sexual assault; instead, the woman had experienced a miscarriage, likely due in part to the large amount of alcohol she had consumed the night she died.

Sonny reached over and lay each document on the coffee table in front of him.  There were the promised medical records, as thick as one would expect.  There was also the letter for Lucy, and additionally, a letter for Rafael.  There was a larger envelope entitled “Funds”, which Sonny assumed would have all the trust fund documents Rafael had told him about. But there was one more envelope, a final document that was simply labeled, “Faith”.  His curiosity killing him, Sonny decided to open that one first.

Lucky for him, none of the smaller envelopes holding any of the letters were sealed.  Glancing over his shoulder to ensure he was alone, Sonny gently eased the paper out of the envelope and opened it up.

My dear sweet Faith,

Happy seventh birthday, my little girl!  I hope you have a beautiful day with your mommy and daddy.  They love you very much and always will!

I am so sorry I can’t see you any more.  I am very sick and don’t want you to get sick, too.  I know you will do amazing, wonderful things, my beautiful girl.  Please always remember that your belly momma Celia loves you.

Kisses, 

Momma Celia

Sonny bit his lip.  How many kids did this woman have ?  Were Faith and Lucy the only living ones?  He couldn’t help but wonder if her death was an accident or suicide.  Was it possible that she made a decision not to call for help when her miscarriage started?  Or had she been knocked unconscious so severely that she couldn’t wake up?  Jesus, he thought, could she have even caused this miscarriage on purpose?

“Hey,” he heard behind him.  Rafael’s voice was rough from sleep, and Sonny anxiously turned his head, meeting his lover’s eyes.  “What are you doing?” Rafael asked, as Sonny looked at him guiltily, unable to make an excuse for himself.

Because honestly, he’d known.  It really was none of his business, after all.

Chapter Text

“So the divorce is supposed to be final on Friday,” Noel, their therapist, stated.  Sonny and Amanda glanced at each other with sad smiles, and nodded.  “Would you guys like to talk about the girls now?  I know we agreed that Sonny will continue to see the girls when he sees Nicky, and that’s written into the custody agreement.  But where are we at with the idea of adoption?  When the two of you first started therapy, you agreed to wait to discuss adoption.  Are we ready to do that now?”

Sonny looked over at his wife, who was examining her hands.  He knew she’d given up a lot during this process, worked hard to move past her pain and anger to allow Sonny to continue his relationship with the kids.  In return, he’d avoided mentioning adopting them.  But the time had come that he needed to know.  He needed to know if he could at least try.

His mouth opened to state that he needed some closure on this, when he heard Amanda speak, soft but certain.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking about this,” she said, raising her head and looking at her husband. She was biting her lip, the same as she did whenever she felt vulnerable, and he wanted to assure her that no matter what, he wouldn’t hurt her.  Even if the answer was no.  Those days of hateful words were over.

“I’ve also talked with Jesse and Billie about it as well,” she continued.  “I felt they deserved to at least share their opinions.  Sonny has played a huge part in their lives, ever since day one. And I think it would be in the girls’ best interests if Sonny tried to adopt them.  Al terminated his rights when Billie was born, but Declan has never terminated anything.  I can’t afford to help you financially, but if you can locate him, I’m happy to talk to him on your behalf, Sonny.  That has to happen before you can pursue adoption.  I do feel that this should be an all or nothing deal–meaning you either adopt both or neither.  I don’t have the heart to tell Jesse that you could adopt her sister but not her, especially since she’s so close to you.  I hope you understand.”

He was already reaching for a tissue.  Despite the fact that they’d been in therapy for months, that he’d been paying her substantial child support and had consistently been seeing the kids, he still hadn’t really expected her to say yes.  Yes, he could adopt Jesse and Billie.  Yes, all three children could be Rollins-Carisis.  Yes, he’d be raising all three together.  “Thank you, Mandy,” he managed, voice gruff with emotion, and she smiled at him with a look he hadn’t seen since they’d first gotten together.

“You love them, Sonny,” she told him, wiping away a tear of her own.  “You’re everything they deserve, and they will be lucky when they’re able to legally be Carisi girls.”

Later, as they left the therapist’s office, they lingered on the sidewalk together.  “You know,” she told him, “none of this would have happened without Rafael nosing into our business like he did.  How’s that going for you guys?”

Sonny’s eyes moved away from her face, to somewhere over her shoulder.  “Ah, we’ve hit a bit of a rough spot, y’know?  I know the girls probably told you we haven’t been seeing Lucy and Rafi…” He looked down, feeling guilty.  “I nosed through some documents…they had to do with Lucy’s mother, and a case we were working on.  I should’ve asked first, I know…”

Amanda leaned against the wall of the office.  “That’s not like you, Sonny.  I’ve never known you to violate my privacy, or anyone else’s.  What happened?”

“He was avoiding it!” Sonny exclaimed.  “The mother of his kid had given him a huge envelope of stuff back in November.  She died suddenly last month and still, nothing. To be honest, I thought she might have disclosed something important to him in there, which she did.  But I guess he thought I was planning to hand it over to Liv, and–”

Amanda whistled.  “Boy howdy, did you sink your ship there,” she told him, shaking her head.

“And then there’s the fact that she was pregnant when she died…or miscarried,” Sonny added.  “Amanda, I keep doing the math…Thanksgiving until the end of January…”

Amanda’s eyes were wide.  “Come on, Sonny.  You can’t possibly think that Barba had sex with her again, can you? I mean, he hasn’t told me much, but even I know he considers that to have been an awful time in his life. Not to mention that I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and how you look at him, and isn’t that why we’re here, seeing Noel?”

Sonny chuckled to himself, looking down, and crossed his arms.  “When I mentioned it to him, that she’d been pregnant and asked if they’d been intimate again, he kicked me out. And that was that.  It’s been nearly three weeks, and nothing.  He’s ignored my texts and calls.  We were talking about moving in together…I’d planned a special Valentine’s celebration for us with the  kids, and he ignored the invitation.  I guess he’s just done with me.”  He wiped at his eyes with the forearm of his jacket.

“Sonny,” Amanda pleaded, but he shook his head.

“I need to get going,” he told her.  “Promised to meet Bella tonight.”

Amanda watched him as he took off past her, jogging at first, then slowing to a walk down the street until she couldn't see him anymore.

*****

He was on his sixth cup of coffee, and about to start his seventh.

Ever since he and Sonny split, he couldn’t sleep worth a damn.  He tried, used every technique  he’d ever heard about (with the exception of sex with a partner–he was alone in this, that was for sure).  Nothing helped. Not the meditation, nor the mindfulness, nor limiting his caffeine to mornings or adding ambien to his nightly routine.  Even the couple of times he’d let Lucy sleep in his bed after they’d binged Blue’s Clues hadn’t done a whole lot of good. 

He’d considered trying to talk things out with Sonny.  It was pretty much the first thought he had every morning, and the last one he had every night.  But as soon as the thought sprung up, the memories crept in–of Sonny spreading the contents of Celia’s envelope on the table, of the news that Celia had been pregnant again, of Sonny asking if it could possibly be his. And when those memories appeared, it only took seconds for his mind to take him back to that fucking  coffee table, the one that held everything wrong with his life. He’d left it in the studio in South Beach, but it still haunted his mind as though it were sitting right now in his living room.

He’d bought it from one of those swanky boutiques near his apartment, shortly after he’d signed his lease. He’d paid a fortune for it, but told himself it fit the decor. Now, whenever he thought of that goddamn table, all he could remember was the eyesore it became–scratched from the lines of coke they’d done, burns in the wood from blunts and cigarette butts.  There were stains from the bottles of alcohol they’d left there, rings in the wood and abstract spill patterns nobody bothered to clean up. Everything he was three years ago had fit on that little table, and had marred it with its nastiness, its degradation of him and of Celia.  That table had served as proof of how low he had sunk.

Rafael also wasn’t naive enough to believe that Liv hadn’t shown that photo to Sonny by now.  Of course, he’d told Sonny about everything he’d done back then, but to see it–his nose so gorgeously outlined with cocaine, empty rum bottles in the background–was beyond humiliating. The thought of Sonny already questioning his loyalty over a pregnancy, then seeing that photo, filled Rafael with anger and shame. And he was absolutely certain that his old friend Olivia wouldn’t have wasted a moment in taking him down, especially with Sonny.

He stood to get another cup of coffee, despite the fact it was almost four in the afternoon. His hands shook as he poured the lukewarm liquid into his mug.  He dumped two, three, four teaspoons of sugar into it, then began to stir.

“Uh…hey,” he heard behind him, and spun around on his toes.

Olivia Benson was standing in his doorway, looking at him with an awkward smile.  Rafael found he had no idea what to say to her.  

“Hey,” he returned, nodding in her direction.  “What do you need?” he asked, taking a sip of coffee, then immediately grimacing.  It was truly awful.  “Or do you have more questions for me?”

“No more questions, just…” She met his eyes quietly for a moment.  “It occurred to me that at a point in your past, you probably cared about her, and might want to know what happened…” 

She hesitated, clearly waiting for him to indicate if he wanted her to share the story of how Celia really died.  He thought of Sonny, and of Lucy, and then of himself, and found himself nodding.  “Yeah, if you can share it, I’d like to know.”  Seeing her expression relax, he nodded toward the couch, and they both took a seat next to one another.

He could smell her perfume, and he heard the soft sigh she let out before she began to explain the case. “It took us a bit of digging to find out what was going on, but I spoke with her mother, and a close friend who claimed to have met Celia in AA. The friend was really helpful.  The mom, not so much.”  Rafael nodded; that was consistent with what he knew of Celia’s family.  “Her friend said she’d been doing really well in the program back in Miami.  She had almost two years of sobriety, and she was close to earning back her bar license.  Then her mom invited her to come to New York with her at Christmas.  She said she’d pay for everything.  I guess Celia’s money was tight, so she couldn’t swing it herself.  She was suspicious and asked her mom a few times what she wanted, but Mom kept saying nothing…until they got on the plane.  Then she started talking about Lucy.  She wanted Celia to take her to see Lucy, and to let her try to work out some kind of visitation schedule, or maybe even joint custody–the friend said Celia was pretty upset over it and had a tendency to exaggerate a little, so she wasn’t sure how much was accurate.  Anyway, Celia told her no, she wasn’t going to do that.  So her mom took her plane ticket to return to Miami and tore it up.”

Rafael’s eyes were wide.  “She never indicated anything like that, Liv…Jesus.  I would have helped her…”

Liv sighed.  “I figured she didn’t tell you.  The friend said Celia had no way to get home.  The friend was going to buy her a bus ticket, but Celia told her no, that she’d gotten into this and she was an adult and would figure a way out.  The friend said she didn’t hear from her again until the night of her death.  Celia left her a voicemail saying she loved her and telling her thank you for everything, but the friend thought she sounded drunk. The friend called back to check on her, but you know how that goes…she was transferred all around the city.  When we finally got the message, Celia had been dead for five days.”

“Dammit,” Rafael muttered under his breath.

“The friend told us that Celia has another child in upstate New York, who’s been adopted by a couple.  The child has fetal alcohol syndrome and is a few years older than Lucy–”

“I know,” he interrupted dully.  “There was a letter for her in the stuff she gave me.  Kid’s name is Faith…I think I have an address too, if you need it.”

Liv nodded.  “It would be helpful to notify them of Celia’s passing.  The friend seemed to indicate that Faith may have been the child of, uh…incestuous rape.  Something about Celia’s dad brutalizing her.  She suggested we test the fetus Celia miscarried as well, and we are.”  

Nausea rolled in Rafael’s stomach as the bile tipped at the top of his throat.  He could feel the start of a migraine softly knocking on the left side of his face.

“The mother’s story doesn’t really align too well,” Liv told him.  “She insists that Celia took off shortly after they checked into the hotel and she never saw her again. She wasn’t interested in any of Celia’s belongings nor in claiming her daughter’s body.” 

Rafael’s face came to rest in his hands, elbows on his knees.  “Is she still…has she been…”

“Her body is still in the morgue, but she’s slated to be disposed of next Wednesday,” she told him, reaching over and gently rubbing his knee.  “If you want to claim her or her belongings, I’ll vouch for you.  You just have to let them know before Wednesday.  If you have a funeral home in mind, they’ll do the transfer.”

He felt emotionally overwhelmed, ready to shut down.  “Rafa,” Liv murmured, “I’m so sorry.  Is there anyone I can call for you? Can I call Carisi?”

He chuckled tearfully.  “No.  I’m sure he has no interest in me now that he’s seen that photo on top of reading through what Celia gave me. I can’t bring myself to look him in the face after all of this…”

Liv reached up, combing his hair back with her fingers like she’d done when they were friends.  “What photo?” she asked, confused.

“The photo Celia had…the one you showed me,” he responded, glancing over at her.  “What? Are you trying to tell me you never showed that to him?”

Liv sat up, pulling both her hands back slowly.  “I didn’t share that photo with anyone, Rafael,” she told him, sounding shocked.  “That was private, and nobody else’s business.  I used it for identification purposes, then deleted it from my phone.”  She reached into her pocket, pulling out her phone, then quickly scanned her photos.  “Look, here.  You can go through as many as you want–it’s mainly Noah–but I promise you, Rafa.  If Sonny saw that photo, it wasn’t from me.  And anything he learned in this case about Celia Cruz–” Liv grew quiet and looked away for a long minute.  “He and I talked about it in confidence once.  Sonny told me–he stressed it to me–how awful that time was for you, and how he had nothing but respect for someone who had dug himself out of such pain and come back to be such a kickass person and outstanding father.  His words, not mine.” Her eyes were focused on him.  “Did he tell you that I showed him those photos?  Because if he did, he and I need to have a talk about–”

“No,” Rafael admitted, shaking his head.  “No, he didn’t. I just figured…”  And he shook his head again.

Liv sat quietly next to him for a long moment.  “You just figured that since I’d been such a fantastic friend, I’d take the opportunity to rub salt in your wound.” 

He didn’t answer her.

She sighed again.  “I get it, Rafa…believe me, I understand. I can’t even ask myself how you dared to believe I would hurt you on purpose, can I?  Not when I came at you not so long ago, daggers flying, believing the worst about someone who I thought loved me so much. You know, a nostril covered in cocaine is a bad look, but not as bad as a friend who accuses you of betrayal when the only thing you were trying to do was to protect her.  And she hasn’t even had the balls to make it right.”

They sat there together, in relative silence, until Rafael’s phone began to vibrate in his pants pocket.  He pulled it out, saw it was Sonny, and lay the phone on the coffee table. 

“You gonna answer it?” she asked.  “It’s Carisi, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s him,” he replied.  “Can’t answer it yet though…I’ve gotta figure out what I’m going to say to apologize, for thinking the worst about someone who loves me so much.” His eyes met Benson’s. He watched one of her eyebrows lift as she contemplated her next move.

“I’m sorry, Rafa,” she said quietly, then reached over, holding out her hand.  “I’m sorry and I’m going to try to give you the benefit of the doubt.  Not next time, but every time. Promise.”

His eyes moved from her face to her hand.  Slowly, he took it in his, then brought it to his lips and kissed the knuckles.  “I hope you know I’ll always love you,” he told her, “even if you forget I’m on your side.  Promise.”

She smiled in return, then brought their hands to her own lips, kissing his knuckles gently.  “I love you, always.  In all ways.  Well, except that way.  That’s between  you and your man.  Might 

want to return his call.”

Rafael let out a sigh as his mouth curved upward in a half-smile.  “I’ll consider it.”

Chapter Text

Entering the bar area, Rafael scanned the stools first, then the booths before finally landing on Sonny, waving and smiling from a booth in the back.  Dork, he thought affectionately, easily returning the smile.  Despite how nervous he’d felt all day, he was relieved to see Sonny’s beautiful face eyeing him so sweetly.

“Hey,” he greeted, slipping into the seat across from Sonny’s, and Sonny’s smile grew even brighter.

“Hey, Rafi.”  He motioned toward the glass of scotch on the table.  “I went ahead and ordered yours so you wouldn’t have to wait,” he explained, sliding it closer to Rafael.

Rafael chuckled.  “If I end up roofied, I’ll have no one to blame but myself, huh?” he joked, just as a server approached the table.

Sonny’s cheeks flushed a deep pink, and he quickly took the glass back as the server asked for Rafael’s order.  Rafael watched him in confusion, then asked, “Who’s gonna drink that–you or me?”

“I’ll go ahead and have this, babe,” Sonny told him.  “You order another one for yourself.”

“You know I was only kidding.”  Rafael leaned forward, lowering his voice.  “Sonny, I wasn’t trying to insult you–”

Sonny laughed nervously.  “It’s fine…it’s fine.  I’ll just have this one, then it’s no big deal.”  His eyes darted up to meet Rafael’s, then back to his beer.  “You’re right, you know.  And if it was anyone but me, I’d tell you absolutely do not drink something someone else gave you.  You just never know.”  Picking up the scotch, Sonny practically drained it.  “See?  Not wasted at all.”

Rafael smirked at him.  “I’m starting to think this was a setup, to get you a scotch.”  Seeing Sonny’s brows furrow, Rafael nearly rolled his eyes.  “That was a joke too, Sonny.  Jesus, I just keep fucking this up.”  His heart was racing in his chest, and his breath was shallow.  “I’m nervous,” he confessed.

Sonny’s face was still flushed, but he smiled.  “Me too, Rafi,” he admitted.  “I just…I love you so damn much, and I’m terrified I’ve ruined us, and–”

“You?” Rafael’s eyes grew wide.  “Ruined us?  How?” He shook his head.  “Sonny, I’ll admit, I wasn’t thrilled that you’d gone through that file without asking first.  But that wasn’t even…” He  sighed, shaking his head again.  “Every time I think about how I was living my life back then…it’s so humiliating, Sonny.  I know I’d told you just about all of it, but after my conversation that night with Olivia, then knowing you’d gone through that file…when you asked me if I had fathered that baby, all I could think about was how much I’d fucked up, and now I was going to lose you too.  I told you to leave because I was ashamed, Sonny…not because I was angry with you.”

Sonny quickly reached across the table, grabbing Rafael’s hand.  “I should have never asked you that, Rafi.  It was disrespectful for me to ask and ridiculous for me to even question. Even ‘Manda asked me if I’d lost my mind! You have more integrity than anyone I’ve ever known.  It’s part of the reason I love you so much.”

Rafael chuckled, grabbing his handkerchief and wiping a tear from his eye.  “You sure about that, Sonny?  It seems to me that a man with integrity wouldn’t have spent weeks getting high and having sex with a virtual stranger.”

“You think nobody else has ever gone through a rough time? Made a series of horrendous mistakes or bad choices?” Sonny asked him.  “Rafi, part of the reason I admire you so fucking much is because you’ve been there…and you pulled yourself out.  Look at you now.  You rebuilt yourself.  You fathered a child, and instead of abandoning that responsibility, you took it on completely.  You’ve got a successful law office, you’re a fantastic dad, a pretty good son from what I can see, and I know for a fact you’re the kind of boyfriend that I’ll only have once in this lifetime.  That’s why I’m here, wanting to work this out with you. Contrary to what people might think, I’m not a fool, Rafael.  I know when I’m loved.  I know when I’m respected, when I’ve got it good, and when my kids have it good, too.  I can’t imagine a better partner for myself or for my kids.  I’m so sorry that I nosed through shit that was none of my business.  All I can do is promise it won’t happen again…and tell you that I love you more than words.  My opinion of you hasn’t lessened, Rafael–not a bit.” Bursting into a grin, he added, “Basically, I still think you hung the moon.”

Rafael paused, taking in that dazzling smile. “Are you sure?” he asked, voice shaky.  “Because I want, more than anything, to tell you how much I love you, too.”

“I’m positive,” Sonny assured him.  “And maybe you can tell me all about it, or even show me…back at your place?”

Rafael met Sonny’s grin.  “I think that’s a great idea.”

*****

He lay comfortably with his head on Sonny’s chest, listening to the beat within.

Just a few weeks ago, he’d been afraid he would never hear this again.  Never feel the soft skin on his lover’s body, the springy chest hair now under his head, or wrap a leg around one of Sonny’s long, thin ones.  He had wondered if hearing that Sonny loved him would be relegated to just a memory, one that he’d have to conjure up on particularly lonely nights.

Sonny’s hand was gently stroking up and down his arm, and it made Rafael comfortably drowsy.  He rested one hand on Sonny’s hip, stroking the skin with his thumb.

“You’re making me sleepy,” he murmured, then let go of an impressive yawn, and Sonny laughed softly.

“You been havin’ as much trouble sleepin’ these days as me?” Sonny asked, and Rafael slightly turned his face into Sonny’s chest, rubbing it up and down in the chest hair, enjoying the soft scratch. Sonny reached up and massaged Rafael’s scalp with the tips of his fingers, listening to the other man softly moan.  “You like that, huh?”

“Mmm.” He kept his eyes closed, relaxing even further.  “This is the best I’ve felt since you left,” he murmured.  “Can we make a promise to try to avoid any long-term separations in the future?”

He felt Sonny’s body jiggle under him, clearly from laughter.  “I’m all for that,” the younger man agreed.  “Does this mean you wanna try moving in together still?”

Rafael forced himself to lift his head and meet Sonny’s gaze.  “How’s tomorrow sound?”

*****

“You have your pretty flower, mija?” Rafael asked Lucy, and she nodded her head, little curls bouncing with the motion.

“I gots it, see?” she said, holding up the orange carnation she’d chosen.  “For mi mami, wight, Papi?”

Rafael smiled, then scooped her into his arms.  “Si, princesa.  Por tu mami. Celia,” he told her.  He’d recently begun to use Celia’s name when referring to her, so Lucy would be familiar with it.  With Liv’s help, he’d gotten a photo of Celia that was decent, and had it made into an 8x10 for the child’s room. 

The irony of introducing his daughter to her mother now that Celia was dead wasn’t lost on him. 

They were on their way to Celia’s memorial service.  Rafael had arranged to have the body cremated, then buried in a small plot he purchased.  Initially, he’d planned to just have the funeral home bury it with no kind of service, but Sonny suggested he might want to have something, for Lucy to remember.  After thinking about it, he agreed.

It was a small gathering. Sonny and Liv, Amanda, and Fin all showed up. So did Rita, to his surprise, and she gave him a warm smile as she joined the others.  Rafael had called Faith’s family with the number Celia had left him, and he’d invited them to attend as well.  While Faith’s father had welcomed the idea of meeting Rafael and Lucy, he’d explained that attending the short service might be too confusing and upsetting for his daughter. Rafael politely told him he understood, then shared his own address so they could stay in contact. 

He’d also asked Olivia to extend an invitation to the anonymous friend she’d spoken to, but the friend had told Liv she preferred to grieve on her own.  So other than the pastor, the squad, and Rita, nobody else was there.  They met at the tiny cemetery plot he’d purchased for Celia’s ashes, and the pastor–the one from the progressive church he attended off and on with Lucy–said some beautiful, although generic, things about people and life, and living and dying.  Then he invited Rafael to say a few things as well. He hadn’t really been prepared for that. Awkwardly, he shifted Lucy in his lap, then cleared his throat.

“I only knew Celia for a very short time, and I didn't know her very well.  The best thing I can tell you about her is that she conceived and gave birth to the most important and beautiful person in my life.  For that, I’ll be forever grateful.”  He pressed a kiss on Lucy’s head. The little girl looked up at him for a moment, then smiled and snuggled closer.  “Celia lived an incredibly painful life, and she was in pain when she died.  I truly believe, though, that she’s at peace now, and she deserves that.” Rafael’s  eyes met the pastor’s.  “I’m sorry…that’s probably the worst eulogy in the world…”

The pastor smiled.  “Love is all that matters,” he assured Rafael. “Why don’t we pray for her now?” Lowering his head, Rafael hoped he was right.  He’d tried to do right by her in her passing, and hopefully he had.  

“Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for the gift of Celia Cruz and the time we had with her, and we thank you for the children she created, who bring joy to us every day.  Lord, let Celia’s life serve to inspire us to love more, to practice kindness more, and Lord, please help Celia’s loved ones know she rests in peace with You.  In Your name, Amen.”  

“Thank you all for coming,” Rafael said then to everyone in attendance.  “It means a lot to us.”

As the others began to leave, Rafael took Lucy up to see the grave marker he’d purchased for Celia. She lay her flower on the ground, next to it, then bent down and felt the words with her chubby fingers..  “Dat says my momma,” she told Rafael, touching the marker.  “Wight, Papi?”

Rafael nodded.  “Yes, mija.  It says ‘Celia Cruz’.  That was your momma,” he told her, as Sonny caught his hand and kissed his temple. Rafael looked up at him.  “Hey.”

“Hey, sweetheart,” Sonny replied quietly.  “You doing okay?”

Resting his head against Sonny’s shoulder, Rafael nodded.  “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Lucy shuffled her boots through the grass as she moved over toward Sonny.  “Hey Sonshiney? Didja…will you ask me if I’m doin’ otay?”

Smiling at her, Sonny bent down and picked her up.  “I’m so sorry I forgot to do that, Lulu.  Are you doing okay?”

The little girl tilted her head to the side, as though she were considering her answer.  “I doin’ not SO otay wight now,” she told him, pushing her hair out of her face with her hand.  “My heart says it’s sad wight now tause I gonna miss my momma.”

Sonny looked at Rafael, whose face was tense.  “I know you’ll miss your momma,” Sonny told her, “but when you do, you can tell your papi, or you can tell me, and we can talk about her or we can look at her picture, or we can even come here. Do you think that will help?”

Lucy appeared to think about it, then nodded and lay her head on Sonny’s shoulder.  “Yeah.  Fanks, Sonshiney.”

Rafael pressed a soft kiss to Sonny’s cheek.  “Yeah Sonshiney,” he murmured softly.  “Thanks.”

Chapter Text

It’s Friday evening in the Barba-Carisi household, and everyone’s excited.

Friday nights are easily the kids’ favorite night of the week.  There’s always a family movie, and takeout for dinner, and almost always, lots of snuggles on the couch for anyone who wants one.  The kids take turns choosing the movie and the takeout.  This week it’s Billie’s turn, and she’s been talking about pizza ever since Sonny picked her up from school.

“We gonna eat pizza!” she informs them all as she works with Jesse and Lucy to bring blankets and pillows into the living room, stuffing as many as they can on the couch.

“Billie, come pick out the movie you want,” Rafael calls her, pulling up the queue, and the little girl sits on the edge of the couch, scrolling back and forth at the choices.  Sonny’s on his phone, ordering the pizza online, until he feels someone resting their hands on his thighs.  Looking down, he sees dark curls and green eyes and a big smile that reminds him of his partner.  

He grins back.  “Whatcha need, Miss Lulu?” he asks.

She grins and shakes her head.  “Nuffin.”

He chuckles.  “You ready for pizza tonight?”

Lucy nods.  “Uh-huh.  An’ Daddy Sonshiney? I want some of dat circle stuff on mine…you know, puppy-ownies.”

“Pepperoni,” he clarifies, and she nods excitedly.  “I think we can do that,” he says, knowing how both Jesse and Billie love pepperoni too.

Ever since Lucy turned three, she’s been referring to Sonny as “Daddy Sonshiney”.  It made sense to Rafael, since Sonny was in her life every day.  Besides, they had gotten engaged a week before her birthday.  Sonny wasn’t going anywhere.  He still tries not to let his eyes tear up when he hears her call him daddy.   

Poor Rafael is known as “Unca Wafi-Taffy” most days, but he’s okay with it.  The name almost always comes with a smile, and as he’s told Sonny, that’s the most important part.

“I got it!” Billie announces.  “We gonna watch ‘Cars’!”

An hour later, the girls are seated on the floor around the coffee table, each with a slice of pizza, a bit of green salad, and a lidded tumbler with water inside.  Sonny and Rafael are on the couch, passing Nicky back and forth as needed, and with the exception of the television, it’s pretty quiet.

It’s also incredibly domestic.  As Rafael notes the girls aptly watching the movie, he thinks of Friday nights ten years ago, nights when he’d often find himself in a bar or even a gay club, hoping to hook up with someone who wouldn’t want too much from him afterward.  Because he’d been afraid of this.  He’d been afraid of partnership, of family, of kids and obligations and domesticity.

Glancing at Sonny, Rafael reaches over to gently rest his hand on Sonny’s thigh.  Now, he’s someone’s partner.  He’s going to marry Sonny–there’s not a doubt in his mind they were made for each other–and he’ll be calling these kids his own.  Instead of Lucy being an only child, she’s going to have three stepsiblings.  Sonny recently caught up with Declan Murphy, who agreed to sign away his rights to Jesse once he heard how involved Sonny had been in the little girl’s life.  Amanda had been instrumental in that, and both Sonny and Rafael were incredibly grateful.

In another hour, if this Friday is typical of every other, Billie will be conked out on the floor, Lucy will be softly snoring in a lap, and Jesse will be curled up to the side of one of them, watching until the end.  And Nicky will be sound asleep in his crib, after his Unca Wafi Taffy has sung him a handful of Spanish lullabies.

And Sonny will lean over and gently kiss his temple.  “I love Friday nights,” he’ll whisper, then Rafael will remind him of how awesome Saturday nights are too, when it’s date night.  And they’ll both think, without saying it, how every night is good when they’re together.

Sonny’s free hand comes to rest on top of Rafael’s, a gesture that warms them both.

And Rafael smiles.

Chapter Text

A Scene Between Rafael and Rita Calhoun

“Rafael.”

He looked up from his desk to see Rita Calhoun standing in his doorway.  Carmen had stepped out for just a minute to grab them some coffee; he hadn’t been expecting anyone in the meantime.

“Rita,” he greeted, standing and rounding the desk.  The two old friends quickly embraced each other, then Rita dropped her arms and stepped back.  She’d never been big on physical displays of affection, but she occasionally made an exception for Rafael.  The two of them moved over to his couch, and he motioned for her to take a seat, then did so himself.  “How are you today?  I wasn’t expecting to see you.”

“I know you weren’t, and I would have called, but I was already over here…”  She sighed and closed her eyes.  “Were you aware that Celia Cruz has another daughter?”

Rafael felt his mouth drop.  He had no idea.  She’d never mentioned another child, nor had she mentioned any major relationships.  “No,” he replied, feeling the shock in his chest.  “No, I had no idea.  I thought Lucy was her only one.”

“You said she gave you her medical records when you saw her at Thanksgiving,” Rita remembered.  “Did you review them?”  At his wide-eyed, frantic look, she shook her head.  “Never mind.  It doesn’t matter anyway.  Apparently, she’s got a six-year old somewhere in Albany.  I got a call from authorities in Miami yesterday.  Celia was pregnant and just miscarried due to alcohol abuse, and they want to charge her.  So they’re also looking into any other pregnancies she’s had, and if alcohol has impacted them.  I told them that I’d handled the custody papers for Lucy, and she had tested clean at birth and so far had shown no signs of fetal alcohol effects or syndrome.”

“Rita, Celia was completely clean a few months ago,” Rafael said, shaking his head.  “Granted, she seemed a little…off, maybe?  But I’m almost positive she wasn’t drinking then.  She told me she wasn’t, and she had no reason to lie.”

“People lie about all kinds of shit that matters a lot less than a child,” she returned, rolling her eyes.  “You’ve always been way too soft when it came to her.”

“Maybe.” Rafael was disturbed by the thought that Celia might have lied to him, or even worse, been drunk around their daughter.  But if she had been, he hadn’t known it. She’d hidden iasextremely well.  “So the other daughter–she’s in Albany?  With whom?”

Rita flipped through a file, pulling out a sheet of notebook paper, and read, “With Tom and Helen Baxter, 4444 Weeping Willow Lane, Albany.”  She handed it to him.  “There’s a phone number on there, too.  They know you might be calling.”  As he took the paper and headed toward the copier, Rita said, “There’s something else you need to know that’s important here. This older girl, she has fetal alcohol syndrome. From what I was told, she’s verbal, but she basically is on about a two-year old level, and will probably never mature past the age of eight to ten.  The parents said that Celia was open about the baby and they knew what they were getting into.  They went through a private adoption, and it was completed shortly after the baby was born. The detective from Miami was surprised about Lucy.  He said the other two had the same guy on the birth certificate…some guy named Ryan Lowe.”

Ryan Lowe…Ryan Lowe…why does that sound so familiar? Rafael found himself repeating the name to himself obsessively, certain he’d heard it before.  

“You still there?” Rita asked, and Rafael blinked several times before nodding.

“Yeah…just that name…it just sounds so familiar to me…” Turning his attention back to her, he asked, “Are they gonna be calling me too?”

“I don’t think so,’ she replied.  “I gave them all the information I had, and honestly, Lucy goes against their case, so it’s doubtful they’d want to talk to you–”

“That’s all the more reason they should talk to me,” he argued.  “I might be able to give them information they couldn’t get anywhere else.”

“I’m not arguing with you, Rafael,” Rita told him.  “I’m just passing on the information.  

A Scene Toward the End Between Sonny, Amanda, Rafael, and a Therapist:

“Is Rafael still planning to come?” Amanda asked Sonny, as they sat in the waiting area of the therapist’s office.  “I just figured he’d be coming with you.”

Sonny shook his head.  “His office isn’t near mine, so we agreed to meet here…oh, here he is!” They both regarded the door and the snow outside of it as Rafael managed to battle his way inside.  “Hey,” Sonny greeted him, standing and offering to take Rafael’s coat and hat.  Rafael handed them over, then pulled off his gloves, shoving them into the pockets of the coat Sonny had just hung up. He gave Sonny a quick smile, then turned to Amanda.

“Hey, Amanda,” he said, taking a seat in a chair nearby.  “Sorry I’m running a little late.”

Amanda smiled at him.  “Not a problem,” she replied, anxiously swinging the leg that was crossed over the other.  “Obviously, we’re still waiting, so…”

The office door opened, and a woman of around forty stepped out, smiling at them all. Rafael had met Naomi Neil before, and had given her name to both Sonny and Amanda after one of his former clients had used her for therapy very successfully.  “Okay, everyone,” she said, waving them into her office, “C’mon in!”

Rafael had made a point not to sit next to Sonny in the waiting room, because he didn’t want Amanda to feel badly, but now he didn’t have a choice.  There were two chairs and one loveseat.  One of the chairs was clearly for Naomi, and Sonny had already taken a seat on the couch.  Unsure of what to do, he turned to Amanda.  “Where would you like me to sit?” he asked, and when she looked like he’d grown three heads, he figured he probably deserved that.

“Next to your significant other, I suppose?” she replied, then snorted, and he could tell they all loosened up a little then.  Amanda took a seat in the empty chair, and Rafael sat next to Sonny.

“So how is everyone?” Naomi asked.  Rafael had never felt so awkward; sitting in on his own therapy sessions was never something he really enjoyed; sitting in on this session felt a little weirdly invasive.  He wasn’t really sure why he was here.

Epilogue Scenes:

One

“DADDY!” The yell greeted him as he rounded the corner into the girls’ bedroom.  Billie and Lucy were standing in the middle of the room, each tightly holding onto the ear of Parumpus, Lucy’s newest squishmallow.  Neither girl was pulling on it, just holding tightly.  Thank God they finally learned THAT lesson, Sonny thought, glancing to the corner, where all of Lucy’s earless squishmallows now lay.

“All right, girls…what’s going on?’ he asked, kneeling to their level.

“Daddy, Lucy needs to give me a turn!” Billie told him, using her free hand to shove her bangs out of her eyes.  “She said I can have a turn and I was playin’ with Pah-wumpus, an’ we were having fun, and then all of a sudden she said I gotta give him back ‘cause he’s HER Pah-wumpus! An’...an’...an’ I telled her that is not vewy nice but she don’t even CARE!  I even started to cwy, Daddy! An’ she don’t care that I was sad…see?” Billie pointed to a tear laying precariously on her cheek, ready to drop at any second.

“But he’s MINE, Biwwie Bear!  ‘Membuh?  ‘Tause you an’ Jesse an’ Nitty gived him to me for my birfday!  ‘Membuh?” With her free hand, Lucy held up three fingers.  “I’m fwee now.  Fwee.”  She moved her fingers over, waving them in Sonny’s face. 

“I see,” Sonny acknowledged.  “But Lulu, do you remember our rule about taking turns?”

Lucy grew quiet, looking at her fingers again, as Billie piped up, “I do!  When it’s your turn, you get to play until you’re all done.   Wight, Daddy? An’ I was NOT done with Pah-wumpus!”

“I don’t wike that wule no more,” Lucy objected.  “I want a new wule.  I want my Pah-wumpus.  He wants to wead me a story.  Wight, Pah-wumpus?”

There was a moment of awkward silence, then Billie said, “Hey!  I gotted an idea, Wuwu!  Want Pah-wumpus to wead to both of us? On your bed?”

Sonny watched the little girl’s brow furrow as she considered the idea, loving the way he saw Rafael in her expression.  “Um…otay.  Wanna wead to BOF of us, Pah-wumpus?” Lucy asked the stuffed creature.  “He says yes!  He wikes dat, Biwwie!”

“Whew!” Billie responded, looking at Sonny.  “I was scared he might say no for a minute there!” she laughed, letting go of the creature to climb onto the bed.

“Me too!” Sonny told her.  “Thank goodness Parumpus knows how to cooperate, huh?”

As the girls got settled on Lucy’s bed, they all heard the front door open, then shut quietly.  Sonny let out a sigh of relief; Nicky was taking a nap in their bedroom, and a slammed door would definitely have caused him to wake.

“Hi Daddy!” Jesse greeted him, wrapping her arms around his waist.  He leaned down and kissed her brow. “Uncle Rafi and me, we picked out some books from the library when we went there! See, I got Nightmare in my Closet !  Uncle Rafi said we could read it together before we go home tomorrow!”

Sonny chuckled.  “Oh he did, did he?” he responded, as Rafael hung in the doorway.

“She was very helpful,” Rafael reported back.  Jesse had gone to run errands with Rafael, just to give her a break from the little ones. It’s a habit they’ve started not only to give her a break from the other kids, but also to give her some time with Rafael. She’d been worried her Uncle Rafi didn’t care so much for her company.

“But that just isn’t true!” he’d cried on Sonny’s shoulder.  “I love Jesse.  You know that, Sonny, don’t you?”  Sonny did, but he pointed out to Rafael that Jesse needed to know that.  So Rafael started spending more time with the little girl.  They both had a love of reading, so he often took her to the library.    

As they were talking, Rafael suddenly held up a finger and left the room.  When he returned a minute later, he had Nicky in his arms.  “Done sleeping, aren’t you, precious?” he teased, placing a kiss on the baby’s cheek before handing him over to Sonny.

“There’s that smile we love!” Sonny said as his son burst into a grin, and Rafael couldn’t hold back a smile of his own.

Two

Sonny’s putting Billie and Lucy to bed tonight, and Rafael’s helping Jesse.  There’s reading involved, then tucking in with a goodnight kiss.  The kids spend two nights a week, so they swap off. 

Sonny just finished reading Billie’s current favorite, A Bad Case of Stripes. Both girls are stalling, flopping around in their beds, so Sonny decides to tuck Billie in first, because she’s closest to him.

As soon as he steps near her bed, he hears, “Sonshiney!  I’m weady for you!”

Sure enough, when he turns around, Lucy’s under the covers and grinning at him looking eerily like her father.  “All right, then!  I’m ready for you too!” he tells her, and heads over to the built-in bed.  He adjusts her covers for her.  “I love you, Lucy,” he murmurs softly.  “Goodnight, love.”

She grins at him again.  “Night, Sonshiney,” she tells him, then closes her eyes.  He closes the curtain that shuts out the rest of the room, thinking yet again how clever somebody was to install that little feature.  He turns around to tuck in his own daughter, whose bed is on the opposite side of the room.  It’s not as cool as the other one, but it’s still pretty awesome–it’s a top bunkbed with no bed on the bottom.  It’s lower than most top bunks, because it doesn’t have a bottom and she’s still little, so he set it that way.  She’s under her covers, eyeing him with a smile. 

“Goodnight, my love,” he tells her, leaning over to kiss her forehead, and she closes her eyes.

He’s about to turn out the light when he hears, “Daddy? Will you always gonna be my daddy, too?”

He smiles.  “You bet I will, sweetheart,” he tells her.

Three

An hour later, Lucy was snuggling in Sonny’s lap in the recliner, Jesse was watching on one side of Rafael and Billie was softly snoring on the other, and Nicky was playing on the floor on his blanket, occasionally cooing and babbling. Rafael wrapped an arm around Jesse, stretching slightly, and she curled up closer to him.

“Uncle Rafi?” she whispered, and he glanced down at her, smiling.

“What’s up, Jess?”

“Do you like it when we come over?” she asked, her blue eyes wide and wondering.

Five years before, Rafael had thought he’d likely spend the rest of his life living alone. And while becoming a father had been an incredible blessing, he realized now that something had always felt unfinished; he’d just been willing to live with it. But then he’d run into Sonny at a work conference, and took a chance on reigniting an affection he’d never really allowed to die. And because of Sonny, his world had grown tremendously.  Not only did he have a fiance he planned to marry next spring, but he had three more children he was growing to love more and more every day.

Deciding to be honest with the little girl, he shook his head.  “No, honey, I don’t like it when you guys come over.”

Jesse’s lips started to quiver for a moment before Rafael squeezed her tight.

“Jess, I absolutely LOVE it when you guys are here!  I love all of you so much, just like I love your dad. I’m so lucky I get to see you every week!  And Lucy loves you too, right Lulu?”

As both of them turned their faces toward the little one in Sonny’s lap, she let out a loud snore.

“Well, that’s a yes if I ever heard one,” Sonny remarked with a grin, and Jesse and Rafael laughed together.  

Jesse looked up at him, smiling shyly.  “I like coming here too,” she said softly.  “I like seeing my dad and you, Uncle Rafi.  And Lucy too.”

The warmth in Rafael’s chest reminded him of how lucky he was, and he pressed a kiss to the top of Jesse’s head. “We’re a lucky bunch of people,” he murmured.

“A big bunch,” she noted.  “Like the Brady bunch, except Barba and Carisi instead, right? The Barba and Carisi bunch.”

Sonny chuckled.  “Lord.”

“I know!” she said excitedly.  “The Barisi bunch!”