Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Can we, just once, go to an island that isn’t full of guys who want to stick their dick in our cook?”
Nami rolled her eyes, Zoro was in one of his, semi-rare, whiny moods, and she could tell this wouldn’t end until his grievances were heard.
“What do you mean, Zoro? Nobody is trying to steal your man.”
Zoro looked at Nami like she’d grown a second head.
“Are you stupid, blind, or both?!”
Franky was going to be upset from having to repair the ‘king of hell’ face-shaped hole in the deck of the Sunny, but Nami didn’t worry herself over such trifling matters. Sitting back on her lounge chair, sipping her one-of-a-kind Sanji-made cocktails, she ignored the aura of murderous revenge emanating off of Zoro as he picked himself up.
“Don’t you think you’re being a little possessive, Zoro? I haven’t seen any men give Sanji-kun more than a passing glance.”
Zoro scoffed, plopping down on the deck next to his specially selected bottle of sake that Sanji had put aside for him.
“That’s cause you don’t pay any kind of attention to men or what they’re looking at.”
Nami couldn’t deny that, men’s interests, desires, or proclivities didn’t mean a thing to her. But for someone to try and say that Sanji, their resident foul-mouthed, hot-tempered, self-proclaimed lady-worshipper was out there attracting loads of men and that she had never noticed was just too ridiculous. Zoro had to be exaggerating.
“Ussop! Come here and settle something for me.”
Ussop begrudgingly dragged his tools and little plate of Sanji-made rice-crackers over to where Zoro and Nami were sitting. He looked at the two other straw-hat pirates with a wariness that normal people would be offended receiving from one of their closest friends. Good thing none of the straw-hats were normal.
“What is it, Nami? If your arguing about debt again I would like to remind you that I am opposed to…”
“No! We’re talking about Sanji-kun and Mr. Insecure over here.”
Nami ignored Zoro’s shouts of protest at being called insecure, waiting until he blustered himself out and began angrily munching on onigiri that Sanji had also left him.
“Zoro is fussing because he thinks that all the men in the Grandline are after a piece of Sanji’s ass.”
Nami laughed at her own words, as the absurdity of it all struck her once again. But her laughter died on her lips as she noticed Ussop not joining in, and looking at her with a strangely pensive expression.
“What? You think he’s right?”
“Well, obviously not all the men.”
Ussop conceded, but Nami could hear the ‘but’ long before it came.
“But Sanji is pretty popular with men in general. I’ve certainly seen my fair share of men following after him like little ducklings. Not that I necessarily blame them, Sanji is kind, pretty, gallant, and he can cook the best food you’ve ever tasted. Plus with those long legs and that snatched…”
Ussop froze mid-sentence as he noticed the dark aura of certain death starting to head in his direction from their green-headed swordsman.
“I am a straight man! I love only KAYA!”
He screamed, his whole body trembling as he waved his arms out in front of him towards Zoro, as if to ward off the danger.
“Ara… Are we making declarations today? How bold.”
Robin took her seat next to Nami, a cup of iced coffee the cook had set aside in the fridge for her in one of her many hands.
“Oh, Robin. I am just now finding out that our dear Sanji-kun is apparently catnip for a lot of even the supposedly straight men we’ve met on our travels.”
Nami gave Ussop a slightly judgmental glance.
“I’m not interested, just not blind.”
Ussop sheepishly defended, hanging his head and avoiding eye-contact with the still glowering Zoro. Robin laughed easily, settling in for what she knew would be a very amusing discussion.
“Of course he is. I’ve had to keep multiple eyes out to make sure unsavory characters don’t get too close to our precious cook. I won’t let anyone with ungentlemanly intentions touch him.”
These last words sounded extremely ominous, and even Zoro felt a shiver creep up his spine as he met the demon-child/woman’s eyes. Thank god they recognized Zoro’s intentions towards the cook as, if not pure, then at least based in genuine love.
“This is the first I’m hearing about all this. Who’s been trying to snag our Snaj? Anyone I know? Anyone besides Pudding, I mean.”
Zoro rolled his eyes, taking a swig of his drink.
“I’m not worried about women.”
Nami shook her head, clicking her tongue.
“That’s because you think he can’t pull. Which most of the time you’re right, because he’s so obsessive and over-the-top that it scares most women off. But I’ll have you know that he can still get a lady’s attention when he isn’t acting crazy. He definitely won over Pudding, and that was after the wedding was crashed. And early on there was that chef lady in Loguetown that Ussop told me about. According to Robin, Viola was pretty struck with him, and she looked inside his mind! And I distinctly remember a pretty little geisha in Wano who was making eyes at him before we left. Not that he ever seems to notice when girls like him back.”
Zoro snorted his version of a laugh, shaking his head.
“Trust you to be paying close attention to all the women we meet.”
Nami shrugged, she wouldn’t deny it. She spent her time on navigating, making money, and pulling hoes.
“I’m not worried about women, because as much as he’s a ridiculous, woman-crazy, nosebleeding, ero-cook if any girl tried to actually fuck him, I think he’d cry.”
Ussop prayed to whatever god they elected up in Skypeia right now that Sanji never heard about him cracking up at the mental picture Zoro had conjured up for them. His skull wasn’t as hard as Zoro’s, or as rubber as Luffy’s so he wouldn’t survive the heel to the crown like they would.
“So you think he’d be unfaithful to you with a man?”
Nami asked, knowing for a fact that the ever-romantic soul that is Sanji would die before cheating on a lover. Zoro pouted slightly, a terrifyingly funny expression on the demon of the east blue.
“I don’t think he’d cheat on me. But men are… Sneaky, underhanded, can’t be trusted… Anyway I don’t like all of them sniffing around my cook!”
Nami threw up her hands, shaking her head.
“I still think you might be overthinking this, Zoro. Sanji-kun can take care of himself. Plus you still haven’t given me any specific cases.”
Zoro folded his arms, scowling as he recalled all the creeps who tried to get cozy with the swirly-browed pretty-boy.
“Ace definitely was trying to hit.”
Ussop interjected helpfully, recalling the freckle-faced scallywag.
“He was so into Sanji I thought he might try and carry him off to be a Whitebeard pirate. He was laying the moves on real heavy in the kitchen that time he came aboard. He probably woulda made his intentions even more obvious if Luffy and I hadn’t been in the kitchen too. Sanji didn’t seem to notice that much though.”
“That’s because that dumbass doesn’t believe that anyone could be interested in him romantically or sexually. You know how long it took me to get him to figure out I was seriously in love with him?! Fucking has the self-esteem of a walnut.”
Zoro growled, remembering very well how blatantly Ace was dropping hints towards the love-cook, all going right over the blondie’s head. Zoro didn’t hold ill-will against Ace though, that was before he and the cook were together and Ace had been a stand-up guy who would’ve never overstepped his boundaries with curly without clear consent.
“I guess I didn’t pay that much attention to Ace and Sanji-kun interacting.”
Nami said and Zoro and Ussop both looked at her with clear amusement.
“Maybe because there was a blue-haired princess distracting you at the time.”
Nami sighed deeply, thinking back to those happy days with Vivi on board.
“Anyway, that’s just one guy. And any brother of Luffy is clearly gonna be interested in someone who cooks as well as Sanji-kun.”
“What about Pedro?”
Chopper suddenly added, walking up to the crew with his own special basket of sweets set aside for him by Sanji.
“He was really taken with Sanji, and even helped us rescue him from Big Mom. I was really sad when he died, but Carrot told me that in addition to helping out Luffy and all of us, Pedro was happy that he could be of use to Sanji since he was in love with him. She said he knew it wouldn’t work out, but he wanted to be there for him.”
Nami smiled sadly, remembering the mink, and she had to concede that he did always seem resigned and wistful whenever they talked about Sanji on the way to Whole Cake island. Given his feelings, both towards contributing towards Luffy being the pirate king and towards Sanji, his sacrifice was that much more poignant.
“Well, all right, I guess I did kinda notice Pedro’s feelings. But you can’t be jealous of either him or Ace, Zoro. They’re certainly no threat.”
Zoro hummed contemplatively, he had felt some type of way about the jaguar-mink insisting to go along with Luffy to bring back Sanji, especially as much as he had talked about Sanji before, not realizing immediately that Zoro and him had been in a relationship. But after he found out what he’d done for the blondie, he couldn’t really resent him at all.
“I’m more concerned about some of these lowlifes we’ve been running into. Wano was full of people who kept trying to get at the cook. You didn’t see the way that Dino-bird guy was looking at him when he ignited his legs.”
“Wasn’t that just because he’s the last of a race of people who can do that?”
Chopper asked, and Zoro huffed unhappily.
“Yeah, and he looked like he was thinking about trying to save the bloodline with the cook.”
Nami barked out a laugh.
“Sanji-kun can’t have babies, Zoro! That’s not how that works.”
Zoro looked away stubbornly, crossing his arms again.
“We’ll see about that.”
“TMI! TMI!”
Ussop screamed, covering his ears, mortified the conversation had devolved so far. How did he get roped into this?
“Kinemon, Tra-guy, and those other north blue pirates were also quite enamored with our dear Sanji. I believe if you’d just pay closer attention to the men around him you’d see a definite trend of men being drawn to his undeniable charm.”
Nami looked at Robin with bewilderment, wondering how something like this could be going on so long without her knowing. She supposed she did see everything through an absolute lesbian lens and so such things fell outside her scope.
“Oh, yeah! And pretty much the entirety of the Marine G5 squad. They were literally talking about how they’d fallen for him even more during the party after our victory on punk hazard.”
Ussop flinched a bit as he heard Zoro begin to shift his swords threateningly, the aura of danger growing thicker.
“I knew that was going to happen when I saw those fucking marines all following him! They better keep their hands to themselves if we ever run into them again!”
“I also remember several of Big Mom’s sons making some rather unsavory comments about Sanji-san when he was first brought to Whole-Cake island. And one of Bege’s men was obsessed with him from the beginning.”
Nami turned to the big Fishman poking his head out of the aquarium’s top hatch where he had been presumably taking a nap. Next to the hatch was a wrapped basket of takoyaki which he immediately started digging into, getting comfortable for the conversation.
“How long have you been listening, Jinbei?”
“About the whole time. I truly think you may be the only one who hasn’t noticed the cook’s broad appeal to the masculine-leaning members of all species, Nami-san.”
Zoro turned a dark look onto Jinbei for just a moment as the fishman waved him off quickly.
“He is far too young for me, Zoro-san. I see most of you as like nieces and nephews.”
Zoro settled back into his huffy state.
“As long as you don’t go creepy uncle.”
“Cook-bro is obviously hot-stuff. I’m a taken man, and very faithful, but anyone can see he’s a SUPER catch.”
Nami raised her eyebrows as the cyborg seemingly appeared out of nowhere, sipping an ice cold cola and carrying a burger Sanji had left for his snack. Brook also had suddenly shown up, drinking a calcium-heavy milkshake Sanji had put in the fridge for him.
“I second that. I mean I knew not to interfere after what I saw between Zoro-san and him when we first met, but I can’t deny that Sanji-san is one of the only men I’ve ever been curious what their pants looked like. And that smile of his makes my heart flutter, not that I have a heart, Yohohohoho!”
Nami looked at practically the whole crew with no small shock and confusion. Of course Sanji was a wonderful person, and objectively a good looking guy when he wasn’t being a freak. But according to the majority of her nakama he was apparently the hottest little piece of ass to cross the grand line, at least to the male population.
“So everybody here thinks Sanji-kun is some kind of wet-dream come to life for men everywhere?!”
“Everyone loves Sanji!”
All heads turned to Luffy who had just gomu gomu rocketed himself from the figure-head into the middle of their group, smiling broadly as he stuffed his face with a special pirate bento prepared by who else but the man in question.
“Back at the fishboat restaurant he made that headband guy some food and then headband guy disobeyed his captain and tried to sacrifice himself for Sanji. Then at that big marine base we fell into there were a lot of kitchen staff guys who kept trying to get close to him. Lots of people want to take Sanji.”
Luffy took a big bite of ham, furrowing his brows in earnest.
“But he is my cook! And after what happened with his dumb family, if he and Zoro weren’t together, I’d have already married him so no one else could take him.”
The deck went silent as all the straw-hat pirates stared at their captain in shock at such bold and unexpected words. Zoro even looked a little unsure, torn between his jealousy and his undying loyalty.
“But it all works that they love each other, because Zoro is mine and Sanji is mine! They’re mine together! Shishishi!”
The crew breathed a collective sigh of relief, glad to know that it was just Luffy’s selfish possessiveness of his nakama that caused him to say such things, and that no true rivalry had arisen for their cook’s affections between the pirate king and his right hand man.
“See, witch?!”
Zoro began, overly enthusiastic at his relief that he wasn’t going to have to fight Luffy for his boyfriend.
“I told you that everywhere we go, random men always start drooling after the cook’s ass like he’s steak and they’re wild dogs! It’s those tight suits he’s always wearing, I oughta make him wear a barrel.”
“Now, now, let’s not start blaming Sanji for other people’s behavior. You just have to keep an eye out for the predatory types and crush them before they try anything.”
Nami looked over at Robin again, who was smiling again in that way that didn’t meet her eyes that reminded you of her past as an assassin.
“Well… I never knew I had to be wary about him amassing a harem of dudes. I’ll be sure to watch out for that in the future.”
“Oi!”
A familiar deep voice startled the crew from their snack-time discussion. Luffy flung himself to the side of the ship, hopping in excitement.
“Sanjiiiii!”
A few moments later the blond of the hour climbed back aboard the Sunny, carrying a heavy looking sack of groceries he’d been on the island gathering. But he was not alone. Nami watched in surprise as a tall, dark-haired man with shifty eyes and obvious criminal organization tattoos climbed aboard after the cook of the straw-hats, also carrying a load of groceries.
“Oh, everybody’s here! Great! This is Kylen, he tried to rob me on the road. I kicked his ass, of course, but then I found out that he was just running a bit short on money this month and was hungry. I invited him to dinner tonight. He’s actually a real nice guy, got rid of an awful huge spider for me that had stowed away with the produce!”
Sanji turned to the much taller man with his kind smile, gesturing to his whole crew with a sweep of his arm.
“These are my precious nakama. Go on, say hello!”
The man looked starry-eyed as he nodded at Sanji, an obvious blush reddening his features under the glow of that smile. He turned to the crew a little shyly, bowing slightly in greeting.
“Hello, I’m Pierogi Kylen. Sanji-san has been so kind to me, and I hope I am not imposing too much but I would love to join you all for dinner.”
Luffy began chuckling, breaking the abnormal silence of the crew.
“Well, if Sanji invited you then you have to join. My Sanji makes the best food in the world!”
Nami could only watch in dumbfounded amazement as Sanji led the perfect stranger to the kitchen to unload the groceries, obviously followed by a food pilfering Luffy. Given her newly formed perspective, she couldn’t help but notice the way the big man followed their pretty cook around like a dog wagging his tail for his master. Zoro stood to his feet with a dark expression and his hellish aura spreading around him like a storm cloud.
“Now, now, Zoro. Surely this is just a coincidence. He’s just a random guy who Sanji-kun felt the need to feed.”
Nami felt weirdly responsible for making sure there was no unnecessary bloodshed. She’d allowed this conversation to go on this long, so surely that was painting how they saw this newcomer in their midst.
“Let’s just all remain calm! Sanji-kun wouldn’t be happy about you slicing up his guest before he’s had a chance to eat!”
Zoro did not respond, but he kept his hands off his swords and that was something. One by one, the straw-hats filed into the galley as the blond cook bustled around the kitchen whipping up another meal fit for gods, or in their case, the King of the pirates and his crew. Kylen was sitting at the bar watching Sanji intently, his expression positively smitten even as he hungrily ate the little appetizer Sanji had given him to tide him over until the meal. Nami watched and noticed for the first time as the man seemed to be trying to devour their sweet cook with his eyes as much as he was devouring his food with his mouth. She put a calming hand on Zoro’s shoulder as they sat at the table to wait for dinner, but she kept an eye on the guy, and she wouldn’t even try to stop Zoro if he got any more creepy.

When dinner was served, they all dug in as enthusiastically as ever, making sure to guard their plates from Luffy’s rubbery mitts. Kylen wasn’t as used to such an atmosphere and nearly lost his meal to Luffy before Sanji kicked Luffy directly in the back of the head, slamming him face first into his plate.
“Eat your own first, you gum-bastard!”
He yelled, withdrawing his leg carefully into the air to not get his feet near the food or anyone’s else’s heads in the smaller space. Nami watched as Kylen stared unabashedly at Sanji’s thick tense thighs and the stranger’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. Nami and Ussop exchanged uneasy glances as the rage waves emanating off of Zoro were only growing in severity. Sanji seemed to notice his Marimo’s attitude as well, as he leaned in close to ask him what was the matter. Of course, in typical Zoro fashion he just grunted that he was ‘just fine, swirly-brow’ which of course caused Sanji to rebut with a ‘what was that, shitty-moss?!’. And they had their, frankly, disgustingly domestic at this point, forehead-to-forehead standoff all while the others continued their meal and Kylen continued staring at Sanji like he was the dessert option.

After dinner had finally concluded, Sanji and several of the other straw-hats saw their dinner guest off the boat.
“Thank you so much for the amazing dinner, Sanji-san! I’ve never tasted anything so delicious in my life!”
Kylen said, bowing to his benefactor. Sanji, in turn, smiled up at the tall man, a cigarette already clenched in his teeth. While Kylen was still reeling from the ‘charm-power 9000’ grin that Sanji gave especially to those who complimented his cooking, the kindhearted blond pressed a satchel into his hands.
“There’s some prepared food and some ingredients in there. Every thing should keep well for a few weeks. Hopefully that helps you get through until your next pay check. No one should go hungry.”
Kylen looked at the food, then back at Sanji with shimmering eyes. He couldn’t believe the kindness that had been shown a low level island thug like him by this man. The golden haired man with sea-blue eyes looked like an angel descended from the heavens to him in that moment.
“Sanji-san!”
The man began, when Zoro walked up suddenly, snatching the leggy blond backwards away from him. Sanji looked at him in surprise as Zoro plucked the cigarette from his teeth.
“Oi, love-cook. Thanks for dinner tonight.”
Sanji’s eyes widened in shock at the unexpected words of gratitude from his taciturn mossball. But before he could respond, Zoro was sealing his mouth with a deep, messy, embarrassingly showy kiss. At first he resisted slightly in flustered shyness, but with just a moment of Zoro’s santoryu-developed mouth skills, he quickly turned to mush in his lover’s arms. Nami just shook her head at Zoro’s brash behavior, while Robin chuckled in amusement.
Kylen watched in shock at the unexpected PDA. The newly found love of his life and future star of his dreams was locked in a passionate spit-swap session with another man right in front of his eyes. He watched as Zoro’s tan hand slid through that gorgeous, soft-looking, golden hair, while another powerful arm wrapped around Sanji’s dangerously tapered waist, trapping their bodies together. Sanji, seemingly completely onboard with these actions, regardless of his surprise at the start, had seemed to go oblivious to his surroundings and was winding his arms around the green-haired man’s neck. Kylen didn’t know what to do as he just stood there awkwardly. Then the single eye of the dangerous looking swordsman suddenly shot open, and he caught Kylen in a soul-piercing glare that promised pain and death.
“Shishishi!”
An unperturbed giggle interrupted his thoughts, and a rubber hand landed on his shoulder. He glanced down to meet gazes with the skinny kid in the straw-hat and that’s when his heart truly stopped. The boy was smiling, but the look in his eye was a warning if he had ever seen one.
“My Sanji’s a great guy, right? Well, be careful on the way home, Dumpling-guy.”
To say he ran away in terror would be an understatement for how quickly he vacated the beach and headed back for the relative safety of the village. He may have met an angel today, but that angel was guarded by demons and monsters too terrifying for him to deal with. He supposed that he would just have to remember Sanji-san as a beautiful dream for the rest of his life.

When the stranger was gone from the straw-hat’s company, Zoro finally let up on the mack-down he was giving Sanji. He pulled back, looking into Sanji’s beautiful, pleasure-glazed eyes for a moment.
“Stop bringing strays home, ero-cook.”
Sanji blinked a couple times, his head muddled from the passion of their impromptu make-out session. Then, like a switch being flipped, his soft expression sharpened into a fiery scowl. Zoro was kicked all the way back onto the deck of the Sunny, and Sanji jumped with flaming legs after him.
“What kind of embarrassing things are you doing in front of everyone, shitty-marimo?!”
Nami sighed, watching the two idiots begin to fight like cats and dogs once again. She felt kinda sorry for the Pierogi guy, being heartbroken the same day he seemingly fell in love, but there was no helping it.
“I suppose I’m just gonna have to keep an eye out for Sanji-kun’s accidental harem-building tendencies from now on.”
She said, planting her hands on her hips. Robin smiled at her, chuckling as she saw the two stupid love-birds taking their little squabble up into the crow’s nest. No doubt they’d be in there a while.
“Welcome to the club.”