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Chapter Text

Full marks.

That was what Luo Binghe got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

Leaning over to his desk, Shen Yuan gaped at the "100" on his friend's exam paper. “How do you even get that?! Ahhh, I wish I could get those grades. Binghe is really too smart…”

Indeed, Luo Binghe loved to believe that his own superiority and intelligence were an undeniable fact. How couldn't he think that way when his perfect grades would appear on every test scoreboard— announcing to the world, and his adoring mass of female fans, that Luo Binghe was the best ever.

It was an arrogance that washed away those useless memories of the past as a baby, abandoned in a trash bin. It was a superiority that overturned his life in that horrible council orphanage on the outskirts of the slums. It was the perfectly deserved destiny of a boy who could barely read and who spent countless hours after school, reading the same books over and over again until the words came to him easily.

These perfect test scores and athletic abilities, a sign of his superior intelligence and his overwhelming effort, washed away all but the hollow image of a perfect handsome man destined for greatness despite his filthy origins.

It was a confirmation that he was better than everyone— that there was nobody around him who could catch up.

And yet, there was someone by his side.

Looking to his right and once again INEVITABLY seeing Shen Yuan’s UNACCEPTABLE mark…

“Shen Yuan," Luo Binghe began to oh so secretly stretch his hand out towards the desk to his right. Then, snatching away Shen Yuan's paper, he began to "ooh" and "aah" with funny faces at the horribly written essay. Shen Yuan didn't even manage to finish the essay on time despite having over a week to write it.

“AAAHHHH! DON’T READ MY ESSAY!!!! Binghe!!! How could you?!?! You’re awful, you know! So rude!!”

But, playfully, Luo Binghe would always try again and again to steal Shen Yuan’s test paper and tease him about it.

Initially, it was odd how Shen Yuan stuck to his side like a parasite. However, as the years rolled by, the presence of this stupid boy, smaller than the rest of his peers and with ill-fitting clothes that looked years out of use, was a presence Luo Binghe had come to expect and accept.

In primary school, it was A-Yuan who sat beside him and asked him his favorite color only to cry and sob at how Luo Binghe said his favorite color was “red” instead of “green”.

Then, in middle school, it was Shen Yuan who swore to study hard and get into the same high-ranking high school Luo Binghe had easily been accepted to, even being handed an academic excellence scholarship.

And in the fleeting final days of their first year in high school, when the sun shone down on them with the summer’s blaring heat and when the air felt moist enough to soak them with sweat—

In these happy days, Shen Yuan still sat beside him seemingly uncaring of how the illiterate quiet boy who sat in the corner of their classroom, alone, had suddenly grown into the smartest and most handsome and brilliant man on campus.

Why don’t you care?

Luo Binghe wanted to grab his throat and shake him around.

You SHOULD care! I put so much effort into this! I’m better than everyone else!

Staring at his horrible test score, Luo Binghe felt nothing but annoyance and disgust.

Am I not good enough to study for? Don’t you want to see your name besides mine on the class leaderboard?

But beyond studying hard to enter the same high school as him, Shen Yuan never seemed to truly try hard at anything.

Every class was only merely passed, every test had the bare amount of effort put into it. Half the time Shen Yuan didn't even bother to finish his assignments, instead very quickly rushing through them the morning before they were due.

(Shen Yuan even refused to copy Luo Binghe's work no matter what.)

It was so bad that Luo Binghe was worried Shen Yuan would not be able to finish high school and attend university.

(“Aren’t you going to the same university as me, Shen Yuan?”)

(Looking once more at his awful report card, Shen Yuan didn’t do anything but shyly giggle at him with that beautifully nauseating smile.)

A female classmate had repeated these grievances after he rejected her behind the school:

She was sobbing with outrage. “Go and hang out with that stupid Shen Yuan! You know I’m a better choice than him!”

Those words had stuck to Luo Binghe’s mind for days because… well, she was a better choice.

She was smarter than Shen Yuan.

She was objectively better looking.

She was popular and had friends that Shen Yuan never bothered to make.

She was born into wealth and wore expensive accessories over her uniform while Shen Yuan appeared to wear triple-hand-me-downs.

So…

So why did the perfect and amazing and brilliant Luo Binghe push her aside? Why did he continue to stay by the side of Shen Yuan despite how unproductive it was?

That useless, tiny, and stupid boy who couldn't show up to things on time even if his life depended on it... Luo Binghe never paid too much attention to such a minor side character. And yet he could never bring himself to shake Shen Yuan off of his life.

…

Luo Binghe didn’t bother to think about such unintelligent and useless things.

(And yet, he never pushed away Shen Yuan’s touch.)

—----------

Looking out of the classroom window on a heat-hazed summer day, Luo Binghe couldn't see the point in going to school.

Of course, he needed the degree and whatever. But everything was just... too easy for him.

In his mind, he already knew what was going to happen— he was smart enough to predict it all whether that be the answers on his test or the steps to his future wealth.

But what happy or exciting thing could possibly await him in that boring grown-up future?

The world of grown-ups was brutal and unforgiving. In that world, even a miracle answer to how to live successfully was something that required demeaning and hurting oneself.

In that grown-up world, if he died, someone would merely replace him.

It was going to be a lonely future.

(A future he didn't quite want or look forward to.)

But that was the future. Right now, there was still someone by his side, clinging onto his successful high school life like a little parasite.

A-Yuan held his handheld electric fan up to his face, alternating between fanning himself and his Binghe from the blazing heat.

“Hmmmm, if you really think that way about the rest of your life… If that’s how it really is, that's a really REALLY boring future!”

Luo Binghe let Shen Yuan use the horrible handheld electric fan to once again blow warm air into his handsome face.

Shen Yuan’s smile exploded into a blinding one somehow more powerful than the awful heat-wave sun.

That smile... It hurt Luo Binghe’s chest.

“Binghe, you're so smart and talented... You can guess and predict and answer everything in life. So if your future is THAT boring and unexciting, then why not change it? Why not create a better future that you ACTUALLY want?”

He couldn’t change it because it was what was expected of him— he was supposed to be an exemplar of a rags-to-riches boy or he was supposed to be a homeless drug-addict who would eventually overdose on the streets, dying alone with nobody remembering him.

These were the two futures the orphan boy, Luo Binghe, was told existed by the adults around him.

However, upon looking at the smile on Shen Yuan’s face, Luo Binghe barely comprehended the question. Because…

Because…

What the hell did Shen Yuan have to be so cheerful about!!!!

His smile was too powerful!!!!!

How could Shen Yuan look so much happier than him!?!

It was LUO BINGHE who was supposed to be better and happier and more successful than EVERYONE else!!!

The way Shen Yuan looked at him… It should’ve been a smile of envy or jealousy or admiration… not a smile of…

(Not a smile of love.)

But Luo Binghe didn’t dare think those thoughts out loud.

Nor did he answer Shen Yuan’s question.

The pair simply sat together in the classroom heat, watching the trees sway in the distance and laughing quietly while gossiping about strange ways their fellow classmates were trying to stave off the almost furnace-like heatwave.

In that little world of theirs, guarded by the heat wave, the words and intentions of the grown-ups didn't seem to matter at all.

—---------------

When Luo Binghe stood outside the empty classroom, just out of view, he heard a strange noise echo from within.

It was the sound of crying.

It was the sound of his Shen Yuan sobbing.

Shen Yuan had been clinging onto him like a leech for eight years, and yet in that time, he had never seen Shen Yuan truly cry like this before.

It didn't feel right to spy on him like this.

It wasn't right to know only from a distance that Shen Yuan was a quiet crier whose strangled sobs could only be heard through the muffling of his small hand.

Shen Yuan was alone in the classroom— boiling within its walls under the evening blast of the sun’s heat.

It was odd. Shen Yuan never stayed at school for this long. Every day for his entire school career, Shen Yuan was rushing and sprinting and running back home even before the final bell rang.

Never in their eight years of friendship has Shen Yuan ever stayed back at school for longer than a couple of minutes.

It didn't feel right.

Something didn't feel right.

Shen Yuan belonged to the sunny afternoon, smiling and laughing and joking by Luo Binghe's side.

He wasn't supposed to be alone in the evening, crying in a way that hurt Luo Binghe to listen.

Did it hurt?

Do I really feel this much pain for some little useless unorganized boy?

Yes. He was in pain because of his A-Yuan.

And it hurt.

It hurt so much.

And yet he couldn’t bring himself to enter and make himself known.

But, why?

Why wasn’t he rushing to comfort him?

Was it because he didn’t think it was worth it?

Was it because he didn’t value Shen Yuan enough?

Somehow, despite his supposed intelligence, despite his belief in his own superiority, he didn’t have an answer.

Luo Binghe left his hiding spot before Shen Yuan finished crying.

Like that, Luo Binghe left Shen Yuan alone in the setting sun.

(It'll be okay.)

(I can always ask him about it tomorrow.)

—-----------------

Shen Yuan hadn’t shown up in days.

The desk by Luo Binghe’s right, both their doodles and names etched into the wood, has been empty for days.

He couldn't even check up on him.

Luo Binghe didn’t even know Shen Yuan’s address.

Why did he never ask?

Why didn’t he ever care to visit his house even once before this moment?

(Because Shen Yuan has always been by my side.)

(Because Shen Yuan should always be there no matter what.)

(Because, before that evening, you had no reason to believe Shen Yuan would be unhappy…)

The boiling air suffocated Luo Binghe.

And yet the handheld fan in Luo Binghe’s palm stayed still.

The horrible little handheld fan had no value to him if Shen Yuan wasn’t the person holding it.

For days, he couldn't hear Shen Yuan's little high-pitched scream as he teased and tickled him.

For days, he couldn't gossip about things with Shen Yuan, he couldn't hear his enthusiastic replies.

It didn’t feel right.

Something didn’t feel right at all.

No. It didn’t.

He was supposed to be there, next to him.

Shen Yuan wasn't supposed to leave him no matter what.

Nothing felt right without Shen Yuan.

Shen Yuan had never left him alone even once…

Why?

Why was that teacher standing so seriously at the front of the class?

Why did his teacher (whose name he had never bothered to remember) stand there with such a grim expression?

Why were his classmates (whose names he didn’t care to learn) crying with horribly twisted and tear-stained faces?

…

Why was I the last one to know that Shen Yuan killed himself?

—-----------------

Full marks.

That was what Luo Binghe got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

And it felt like an insult.

It felt like a stab to his heart that kept twisting and twisting and—

Luo Binghe slammed his fists down on his desk and stormed out of the now-silent classroom.

He ran down the corridor, uncaring of who he knocked over.

He ran out of the school, unthinking how this would ruin his perfect attendance score.

He couldn't take this anymore.

Without Shen Yuan, it didn't matter...

He didn't care about anything anymore.

He just wanted his best friend back.

Even though I tried to get to know you, there wasn’t even a single thing I managed to learn about you.

Even though I only arrogantly saw myself as a superior main character, smarter than everyone, I wasn’t even smart enough to figure out how sad you were.

Even though you had been beside me for half my life, I wasn’t able to solve your unhappiness!

That evening when Shen Yuan was crying alone…

If he had entered that empty room, would he have prevented him from killing himself?

If he had stormed into the classroom at the first sob he heard— if he grabbed Shen Yuan by the shoulders and clearly explained to him that “I value you! I love you! I don’t ever want you to leave my side!”

“I’m sorry for everything! I promise to always help you!”

“I promise I won’t tease you about your test scores anymore. I promise I won’t brag about things in front of you…”

“So, please don’t die and leave me alone…”

If he wasn’t some cold-hearted fool, then would Shen Yuan still be by his side, smiling away as if the grown-up world waiting for them never mattered?

If I was able to get even a little bit closer to you, then would those happy days with you last forever?

—--------------

Full marks.

That was what Luo Binghe got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

And— Luo Binghe suddenly stood up, his chair screeching behind him and his table falling over, smacking the ground audibly like a bomb.

Shen Yuan was beside him, alive, looking at Luo Binghe with a face of shock.

Midway through leaning over to Luo Binghe's desk, Shen Yuan was suddenly shaken by Luo Binghe's desk falling over.

His mouth opened, then it closed again, then it opened once more to say:

"What— What happened?!?!? Did you get a bad result?"

It was an awful result.

It was something worse than anything.

Luo Binghe abruptly grabbed Shen Yuan's hands, locking those small wrists in a loving grip, before rushing them out of the classroom together.

Luo Binghe had another chance.

Luo Binghe wasn't going to let the same result play out again.

The moment they arrived at a lonely and silent corner of the campus, Luo Binghe, with a hand still warmly holding onto Shen Yuan, suddenly shouted out words he thought he'd never say.

"Shen Yuan, I LOVE YOU!!!!!"

The boy opposite him froze like a statue.

"I love you!! I like you!!! I treasure you!!!! I value you!!!! I EVERYTHING you more than anything!!!"

Tears began overflowing from Luo Binghe's eyes.

He couldn't stop crying.

"So, even if you don't love me back, please stay by my side forever."

"..."

"..."

"What the HELL are you even talking about?!?!??!!"

Chapter Text

To say his confession went badly would be an understatement.

“What the HELL is wrong with you! Why would you say something like that to me??” Shen Yuan ripped his hand away with a scrunched-up look on his face— as if he was disgusted.

Disgusted? Luo Binghe was the prince of the school, the most desirable in terms of looks and grades... Who the hell dared to look at him with disgust??

Shen Yuan really was disgusted... But how could Luo Binghe possibly give up so easily?

Shen Yuan needed to know that he was loved!

“Shen Yuan! This comes from my soul! I really do love you—”

“I thought you were straight!”

…Was he straight? Luo Binghe never really thought much about his sexuality.

Sure, when he thought of the grown-up future waiting for him, he had of course imagined it with perhaps a nameless wife and kids... But beyond the mere idea of marriage, he never had a clear view of who exactly he would marry.

To be fair, he didn’t really think he was attracted to ANYONE. Apart from Shen Yuan, of course.

So… Was he Shen-Yuan-sexual?

NO. He couldn't think about nonsense right now!!!

“Shen Yuan, listen carefully to me—”

“I’m not listening to you! Go away!”

Shen Yuan was about to turn around and run but Luo Binghe no longer hesitated to grab his hand.

“I don’t care if you don’t want to date me!” He squeezed Shen Yuan’s hand tightly as if trying to physically pull him away from all the pain and unhappiness he felt. “I just want you to know how I truly feel about you all these years! No matter how much I’ve ignored you or treated you badly… I really do like you more than anything. I want to get to know you better, Shen Yuan!”

Luo Binghe didn’t realize that his eyes were shut his eyes the entire time— out of fear? Out of anxiety? Out of shame, perhaps?

He was THE Luo Binghe, and yet he could barely think let alone untangle that ball of horrible feelings within him.

When all those girls came to confess to him… Was this what they felt like?

Was confessing your own feelings really this difficult???

His eyes were closed the entire time, so Luo Binghe didn't get to see Shen Yuan walk away from him in disgust.

When he finally opened his eyes to the silence and heat in front of him... He...

I...

Did… Did he just get rejected?

Did Luo Binghe, the man that his female classmates would clamber over to see, just get rejected…?

Shen Yuan’s retreating back appeared to shout: “Yes, you did get rejected. You got rejected by the only person you desire… you stupid IDIOT!”

He… He didn’t expect it to go that badly…

Sure, he wasn’t thinking at all. But… Well… He was THE Luo Binghe!

(And why wouldn’t Shen Yuan love him back?)

Luo Binghe stood there.

Then he stood there for a little longer.

Perhaps Shen Yuan will come back and change his mind?

Or maybe he’d run back to his Binghe, jump into his arms, and allow himself to be twirled around in the air like they were two lovesick idiots.

…

Nope.

The sweaty walk of shame back to the classroom through the sun's blazing heat was awful.

The trudge back to his desk was EVEN WORSE because what was Shen Yuan doing here??? He really thought that maybe Shen Yuan would’ve run back home and saved himself a day of awkwardness— or maybe, it was Luo Binghe who should have just skipped school and rescued himself from another four hours of utter shame and embarrassment by sitting right next to his rejector.

What the hell... How could he get rejected by someone like Shen Yuan?

Burying his face into the wooden desk and regretting his little impulsive STUPID decision... He really wanted to cry...

Two weeks.

In two weeks, his teacher will stand in front of the class and announce something horrible.

Furthermore, there were about ten days until that evening Shen Yuan was alone in their classroom, crying for whatever awful reason there was.

Ten days before Shen Yuan would become absent from school…

So! No matter how awful it felt to talk to Shen Yuan right now, he had no choice but to SUCK it ALL UP and get to work fixing whatever needed to be fixed!!!

“Shen Yuan, where are you going? Aren’t you going to eat lunch here with me?”

But Shen Yuan didn’t even reply. He simply continued to walk away as if he hadn’t heard him in the first place.

However, even if Shen Yuan seemed disgusted and didn’t care about him anymore, Luo Binghe certainly did— following the smaller man around and around until lunch break had ended.

And yet, by the end, Shen Yuan hadn't even looked at him once (let alone smile at him with that horribly wonderous smile—)

…This was getting annoying. How could Shen Yuan ignore the presence of the awesome main character Luo Binghe?

Luo Binghe tried to tease Shen Yuan about his test scores again— even more playfully this time, too!

But the moment his hand began to secretly slide towards Shen Yuan’s desk—

“Don’t touch my things.”

—Luo Binghe could only retreat, holding back his tears...

This was really too sad!!!

Was the confession really THAT bad?!?!

Sure, it was a spur-of-the-moment decision! But to think it’d be this disastrous…

No. He was sure that Shen Yuan would come running back to him like a parasite soon. This was just a shock to him— something he’d get over soon.

In a day or two, Shen Yuan will realize the errors of his ways (and also hopefully possibly realize he LOVED Luo Binghe too) and come running back to his Binghe proclaiming he'd never leave him behind!

Right?

Or… Did Shen Yuan actually hate him?

…

…….

No, that couldn’t be true. He was LUO BINGHE after all!

Looking up at the clock through his sweaty bangs— watching it tick down each second till Shen Yuan’s…

Shen Yuan’s…

A-Yuan's...

What the hell was he even doing?

He was given a second chance and he wasted the first couple of hours recovering from… From a rejection??

What was he DOING??? Why did he ever think this was a good idea?

He didn’t have time to play around like this and get stuck in his own fantasies anymore.

How could he think of himself as a main character if he couldn't even save his only friend...

The next day when the intense sun had barely risen (Shen Yuan always arrived at school unbearably early), Luo Binghe waited by the gates and called out for Shen Yuan— he’d go out of his way to follow Shen Yuan around the school, and even into the shower where he, for some reason, decided to take a morning bath.

(Strangely, when he waited for him that morning, Shen Yuan smelled a little... off...)

(A little like trash maybe?)

And, like the day he confessed his love, Shen Yuan completely ignored him.

...Not to worry!!

Luo Binghe looked up at the clock, counting down the minutes till Shen Yuan's death, there were eight days left until Shen Yuan was absent from school...

The next day, Luo Binghe flooded Shen Yuan's ears with love and praises— telling Shen Yuan that, as a FRIEND, he loved him more than anything.

“Don’t leave me, okay? We’ve been together for so long, so why don’t we also go to the same university too? You’re not good at studying… but that’s okay! Why don’t we stay after school together today and I can help you out!

Somehow, despite how much Shen Yuan looked at him with annoyance or disgust, and no matter how much he ignored Luo Binghe, he always responded back to him.

“I’m busy. I can’t study with you today.”

“How about tomorrow? Or the day after?? Or maybe the weekend??? I’m free any day that you are, Shen Yuan!”

But Shen Yuan merely shook his head and walked away.

...Okay. Direct approaches really weren't helpful...

The next day, Luo Binghe began hiding little cards around Shen Yuan’s desk and locker— with words of encouragement and compliments written on them:

“You’re doing amazing!”

“Congrats! I’m really happy for you!”

“Congrats on the exams, brainy!”

From afar, Luo Binghe spied as Shen Yuan opened up each card carefully like a precious item, folded them back up again, and then carefully tucked them into his bag.

…So, was it a success?

Shen Yuan was still quiet and dejected, ignoring his Binghe as if he didn’t exist.

But the day after he had deployed his “Corny-Cards” plan, Luo Binghe found a little note in the corner of his locker.

Thank you for the cards :)

Even when drawn on paper, that smile…

That. SMILE.

AURGHRRGHGH, it was too powerful! Luo Binghe’s legs could barely hold himself up anymore from the power of A-Yuan’s GLORIOUS and BEAUTIFUL—

NOPE! He had to FOCUS!

The classroom clock ticked on and on and on— loudly as if mocking him.

Seven days left.

He needed to focus…

He couldn’t directly talk to Shen Yuan anymore because of that STUPID and IMPULSIVE and IDIOTIC confession, but, indirectly, Luo Binghe did everything he could to show Shen Yuan that he was loved.

The cards, waiting for him outside of school and making sure he was never truly alone, making sure he was never looked down upon by his classmates...

As an orphan, Luo Binghe cooked his own meals every day so it wasn’t too demanding to make an extra portion for Shen Yuan whenever he forgot to buy something from the convenience store— something that happened nearly every day...

Originally, Luo Binghe simply thought that Shen Yuan was a picky eater. But seeing how he ravenously accepted every homemade lunchbox from him even if he bought himself lunch from the convenience store— taking them home and returning them the next day, cleaned...

(If Shen Yuan was so hungry, then why didn't he just buy more food or bring meals from home?)

Luo Binghe wondered if his EXTREMELY TALENTED cooking skills would be able to overcome the distance his love confession had put between them.

(One morning as Luo Binghe arrived early to once again carry out his “Corny-Cards” plan, he spotted Shen Yuan in the bathroom, using hand sanitizers and the bathroom's hand soap to clean the tupperware.)

(Why didn’t he just wash it at home?)

Additionally, as an EXTREMELY talented cook, it wasn’t too much to begin baking little multi-colored calico cookies and little black sesame-flavored dog-faced pastries for Shen Yuan.

Once again, when it came to food Shen Yuan simply could not deny Luo Binghe.

(Luo Binghe, as a self-proclaimed main character, didn’t pay much attention to Shen Yuan before.)

(However… Wasn’t it odd how hungry Shen Yuan was all the time?)

(Wasn’t it a little strange how Shen Yuan never brought lunch from home and instead relied on reduced convenience store goods?)

After ten days of testing how much love and emotion he could sincerely reveal to Shen Yuan, Luo Binghe hid away at school until the evening with a box of homemade cupcakes in his hand.

Shen Yuan was in the classroom, sobbing quietly into the palms of his hands.

You are loved!

You are important!

So don’t end your life in such a horrible way…

Please… Don't go away...

In the boiling heat of the evening sun, these were the words Luo Binghe wanted to shout.

But, just like before, words like these would only scare off Shen Yuan.

Instead, he walked into the empty heat heat-hued classroom with quiet footsteps, allowing himself to be enveloped and submerged in the boiling and deep vibrant orange glow of the sun.

He placed the box of chilled cupcakes down on the table in front of him.

A little note was plastered on top of the box— Eat me! :)

Luo Binghe could only hope and pray that his little smiley face would make his stomach blow up into butterflies and his head dizzy with happiness just like what Shen Yuan's smile would do to Luo Binghe.

Shen Yuan didn’t want to directly interact with Luo Binghe, so Luo Binghe didn’t speak to him. He didn’t touch him.

No. He simply sat down beside him, sweating together and burning in the evening heatwave.

He didn’t leave him crying alone this time.

As the sun began to set, Shen Yuan’s tears began to dry up.

“I’m hungry…” He began to sob again, his words becoming warped and strangled. “I’m… I’m so hungry… But I don’t want to eat… I want to eat and grow… But I don’t want to grow up! I don’t want to become a selfish and violent and ugly grown-up… I want to be a man, but I don’t… I’m so hungry, but I can’t eat!”

Silently, Luo Binghe placed his hand a little closer to him— an offer of closeness that Shen Yuan accepted. Shen Yuan held it tightly as if holding his hands would make time stop still in its tracks.

“Shen Yuan is the kindest person I know. You deserve the best future— you deserve a future that you desire. So, it’s okay to grow up because I’ll be beside you and you’ll be beside me, we’ll both make sure we won’t be awful adults, okay?”

He pushed the cupcakes closer to Shen Yuan.

“You deserve to eat when you feel hungry. But even if you refuse to eat, I’ll still be here to feed you forever, okay? ”

Shen Yuan nodded through the tears. Maybe it was a sign, an agreement, that Shen Yuan wouldn’t leave him.

It was an affirmative nod that meant Shen Yuan would stay by his side forever, perhaps.

It was like a confirmation that Shen Yuan didn't want to leave.

No matter how much his love confession affected Shen Yuan, despite how much Shen Yuan seemed to hate him, he never strayed too far away from Luo Binghe.

Every single teasing touch was smacked away but never truly discouraged.

Everything Luo Binghe had lovingly cooked or baked was accepted and lovingly eaten by him.

But it was wrong.

It was all wrong.

It was the incorrect answer to a question he wasn't even allowed to read.

And Luo Binghe knew it.

In the end, no amount of begging caused Shen Yuan to stop and reconsider his actions.

In the end, no matter how much he let Shen Yuan know the boy named Luo Binghe truly loved him...

...

His teacher was standing so seriously at the front of the class.

His teacher (whose name he had never bothered to remember) stood there with such a grim expression.

His classmates (whose names he didn’t care to learn) were crying with horribly twisted and tear-stained faces.

...

He was still the last one to know that Shen Yuan killed himself.

In the end, Luo Binghe still had the wrong answer.

—---------------

Full marks.

That was what Luo Binghe got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

Scrunching the test paper up in his hand, Luo Binghe had only one thought running through his mind:

I need to leave with Shen Yuan.

If Shen Yuan hated the future so much— if thoughts of becoming an adult were quite literally killing him— then there was no point staying at school.

These test scores, the talks about university and rankings… his own begging for Shen Yuan to attend the same university as him—

Luo Binghe wanted Shen Yuan to grow into an adult alongside him.

But if that adult world meant leaving Shen Yuan behind, then it just wasn’t worth it.

The world of grown-ups was brutal and unforgiving. In that world, even a miracle answer to how to live successfully was something that required demeaning and hurting oneself.

In that grown-up world, if he died, someone would merely replace him.

It was going to be a lonely future.

(A future he didn't quite want or look forward to.)

But still, it was a future he wanted to share and navigate with Shen Yuan.

If Shen Yuan was by his side, then that future wasn’t so scary and horrible anymore.

He couldn’t move forward into that future without Shen Yuan.

“Binghe! Where are we going?!” Shen Yuan was being pulled along behind Luo Binghe to the school gate. “We… We can’t skip class!!! Binghe! How could you! What about your attendance score?!?!?”

"I. Don't. Care!"

With a great big pull, he grabbed Shen Yuan’s outstretched hands and pulled him up and over the school gate.

“I’ll say it again and again. I don’t care! I'm sick of school. I'm sick of thinking about the future. Aren't you also sick of it? For a while, let's not worry about the future. University, adulthood, test scores— they can all wait. Let’s pretend to be a pair of misbehaving children for a bit, okay?”

Upon realizing there was really no convincing Luo Binghe otherwise, Shen Yuan took a deep breath in and sighed dramatically.

“It’s YOUR report card that’s going to be ruined, you know? I really don’t want to skip school, but, ahh, whatever…” Shen Yuan then jumped off of the school gates, allowing Luo Binghe to help him soften his landing.

Shen Yuan patted chips of paint from his baggy and ill-fitting school trousers.

His uniform… They really didn’t fit him, huh. They were too big for him. Or perhaps Shen Yuan was simply too small for them.

On closer inspection, Shen Yuan’s shoulders were still thin and narrow, and his face still appeared round with youth and void of all sense of puberty or adulthood.

Shen Yuan’s hair, long and almost reaching his waist, seemed larger than his own body.

While Luo Binghe was growing through the growth spurts and voice changes of puberty, Shen Yuan seemed to still live within his childhood body— a body largely unchanged from their middle school days other than his height.

In the previous cycle, Shen Yuan had mentioned he was always so hungry, but that he could never eat or else he'd grow up.

Was… Was that why Shen Yuan was so small?

Was Shen Yuan stopping himself from eating so he didn’t have to grow into an adult?

(Did Shen Yuan end his own life because he didn’t want to be a grown-up?)

…

That evening, Shen Yuan said he always felt hungry. He said he wanted to eat.

If that’s what he truly feels, then I can’t let him starve himself.

From that point onwards, Luo Binghe swore to double up on all his home-cooked meals. No matter what, even if Shen Yuan rejected him a million times, he would always have a lovingly made hot meal waiting for him.

Shen Yuan will always have little snacks in his locker for him to nibble on whenever he feels even just a little hungry.

Even now, as Luo Binghe placed his hand in Shen Yuan’s warm palm, leading him away from the school and into the path of the blazing sun…

Even as they climbed over the fence, their school trousers stuck to the back of their thighs in the intense summer heat, he made sure that Shen Yuan always had the option to eat.

Sitting down at an empty cafe, Shen Yuan curled into himself to look even smaller than before quietly asking Luo Binghe if they could go sit in the corner.

As a self-proclaimed main character, Luo Binghe always loved to sit at the outdoor tables to sunbathe in the admiration and jealousy of his fellow humans. But if A-Yuan really insisted on sitting in some dark and cold corner, then what else could he do but follow him?

First, Luo Binghe thought that perhaps Shen Yuan was a little nervous about skipping school— who could blame him? If Luo Binghe wasn’t going through probably the worst time of his life, then he would probably be complaining about lowering his attendance score.

But Shen Yuan seemed…

He appeared a little too nervous about this.

Maybe a cold drink will help— or perhaps a meal or two.

Without even looking at the menu, he began rattling off at least four different nutritionally dense meals with an almost practiced speech— only for Shen Yuan to suddenly lean over after the waiter had left and frantically whisper:

“I can’t afford it…!!! You’ve ordered too much…!!!!!!!”

“No worries, I’ll pay for you. I’ve got a ton of money left over from my last job.” Generally, it was a good investment. Luo Binghe had been to this cafe many times before and, despite its price, it was the only one he would trust to feed Shen Yuan well.

“Binghe!!!!” Shen Yuan gently scolded him, smacking his forehead with his palm. “I can’t possibly pay you back!”

“Didn’t you just hear what I said? I’m rich. There’s no need to pay me back, you idiot.”

“What the hell are you talking about??? You're not rich at all!!! I've literally seen you buy fakes of fashion brands! I… You…! You’ve ordered too much!! I… I really can’t eat all of this!!!!”

“Then take some back home or eat it tomorrow for lunch, stupid.”

Shen Yuan never panicked like this around Luo Binghe.

It was cute, yes, but it was a side of Shen Yuan he was never used to seeing.

It really was quite odd to see the small and quiet boy, usually passive and accepting of Luo Binghe’s ignorance of him, suddenly become flushed and almost scared of his generosity.

(But why wouldn’t it be odd?)

(In the eight years we have been friends, I was never kind or generous to him before.)

(Before, he was nothing more than some cold-hearted fool to Shen Yuan— some idiot who didn’t pay attention to how little Shen Yuan ate or how all his meals seemed expired or exclusively from the reduced section of the convenience store.)

Shen Yuan looked smaller, more childlike, than before. “We should get back to class soon.”

“Why?”

It’s not like your horrible grades will be affected at all by a couple of missed lessons…

To Luo Binghe, Grades meant the future.

Good grades were what made Luo Binghe escape the horrible grown-up future destined for poor orphaned boys.

And so, bad grades would only ruin the successful adult future he wanted.

If Shen Yuan was so afraid of an awful and ugly adulthood, then a classroom reminding him of his terrible grades and thus a horrendous and unsuccessful future wouldn’t be helpful at all.

But these were all simply Luo Binghe's biased opinions.

Suspiciously, Luo Binghe spoke. “Did you actually want to stay in that boring lesson and learn?”

It wasn't like Shen Yuan could escape his bad grades and future forever. The only way to truly do that was to... Whatever. Luo Binghe wanted Shen Yuan to live on. So why not change his grades and make that future Shen Yuan seems to fear just a little bit more palatable?

Shen Yuan froze, looked around nervously for a while as if thinking, and then solemnly nodded his head.

“I want to be a good student and learn!”

Luo Binghe was probably the best tutor in the city— a man who had female classmates BEG for his tutoring.

But, for Luo Binghe’s smarts and educational services, Shen Yuan will get a friend (and possibly future lover, maybe, we'll see) discount of one hundred percent!

Luo Binghe knew that Shen Yuan wasn’t… exactly the smartest in the class or, if Luo Binghe went by the school’s exam leaderboards, the entire school.

So why did his friend seem to suck up and learn the syllabus content so quickly?

Why did Shen Yuan seem to learn quicker than Luo Binghe???

“What?” Pouting, Shen Yuan looked up from his worksheet— mathematics that they were supposed to learn next week. “Am I doing it THAT badly?”

No. In fact, you’re doing it TOO perfectly!!!

“...You’re doing okay.”

Shen Yuan gave out a massively dramatic sigh of relief and smiled—

YOU’RE SMILE IS ALSO WAY TOO PERFECT AAAAHHHH!!!!

“Why— Why don’t you, ah,” Luo Binghe tried to stabilize and tether himself to the ground again. “Uh, just continue working. I’ll keep looking over it. I’ll tell you if you’re making a mistake.”

After recollecting the shattered pieces of his heart (DESTROYED by that awfully pretty smile), Luo Binghe finally had enough mental stability and sense to ask a question.

“You're really quite good at studying. If you did your homework or studied for tests, then you’d really be around the same rank as me… Why not just study more or hand in your work on time?”

Shen Yuan didn’t falter when he replied. “I guess… It’s just hard to focus on homework, I suppose. I’m also quite busy every day so it’s hard to find time to study.”

“What are you busy with?”

“Helping out at home and stuff like that.”

“You’re a good son, huh.”

Shen Yuan paused a little before falling silent, seemingly burying himself deeper into his schoolwork.

The quiet was initially awkward, but after a bit, it settled into a more calming and comfortable stillness.

The summer's heat couldn’t reach them in the little corner of the cafe.

The future of grown-ups, so brutal and horrible and violent and mean, just like the overwhelming blaze of the sun, seemed to disappear when they were together.

…

“See you again tomorrow, Shen Yuan!”

It was around four in the afternoon, around the time school ended, and yet Shen Yuan insisted on heading home instead of continuing their happy little study session together.

With a happy smile that burned brighter than the heat wave, Shen Yuan looked back at his Binghe.

Shyly, he waved back at him.

“I will see you again tomorrow, Binghe.”

I will see you again tomorrow.

That’s what YOU said, Shen Yuan.

So you better keep that promise for every “tomorrow” that will come.

Because Luo Binghe had many MANY things planned!

Yup! SCREW his attendance grade! He had already planned to skip school every day for the next two weeks!

They were going to dine and feast and study together— paving an educational path for a better future together in the coolness of that cafe!

On the first couple of days, Shen Yuan didn’t seem to mind skipping school that much.

He was nervous, of course, jumping over the fence.

And of course, he was nervous when walking around town with his school uniform still on.

“What… What if someone sees us? What if they report us?”

“So what? The school will probably just give us a little detention or something. Nothing much to worry about.”

Shen Yuan grabbed his hand tightly, stopping him in his tracks and—

Why did Shen Yuan look scared?

“Binghe, I really am worried about it. I don’t want to miss school and get caught. I don’t want to get into trouble…”

What the hell did Shen Yuan have to fear? Why can't he just say it clearly?

Shen Yuan always spoke so cryptically like this and Luo Binghe couldn’t stand it.

Shen Yuan shouldn’t have anything to hide from him. After all, wasn’t Luo Binghe his best friend?

(The kindest person he has ever met didn't deserve such intense unhappiness that he was forced to hide away.)

And so, Luo Binghe asked his question clearly and deliberately.

“Are you worrying about missing lessons and not learning? Or are you worried about the punishments?”

“The…” Shen Yuan averted his eyes. “The punishments, of course…”

“You’re stupid.” Luo Binghe flicked Shen Yuan’s forehead— the pain causing Shen Yuan’s mind to bounce back to reality. “Just bring some casual clothes to school. I’ll do the same.”

He didn’t have casual clothes.

Who didn’t have a set of casual clothes??? Did Shen Yuan never go outside?????

“Binghe!!! Don’t be so mean! I do go outside! I just go out in uniform!”

“What a loser!! Do you have ANYTHING to wear apart from your stupid school uniform??”

Shen Yuan sweated nervously under the boiling sun.

Okay, that’s it.

Luo Binghe didn’t care HOW MUCH MONEY he was going to spend in these two weeks. Nope, he would even give his entire life savings away if it was for Shen Yuan!

Shen Yuan didn’t want to go to the larger malls, so they walked to some of the street-side stores to buy Shen Yuan at least FOUR sets of casual wear.

But when he allowed Shen Yuan to choose a couple of items, Luo Binghe was horrified.

Actually, he was MORTIFIED.

How could Shen Yuan’s fashion sense be THAT bad?!?!

First, Shen Yuan had picked some baggy outfits two sizes too big for him— all in black, too.

“No. Unacceptable.”

“Why not?!?!? Binghe! Don’t you think it looks good?”

No. It was AWFUL.

Shen Yuan looked like a ballsack.

It didn’t help that he had a small stature so it quite literally looked like he was drowning in black cloth— like a tiny toddler putting his dad’s clothes on for a laugh!

“We can keep the baggy look, but it can’t be these ones.”

Shen Yuan picked out another disgusting combination of clothes.

And then another.

And then—

“Okay, Shen Yuan, you’re not allowed to choose anymore. I’ve REVOKED your clothes-choosing privileges!!! How about I pick some for you to wear... Shut up, don't speak back to me you dummy! Don’t worry, I’ll choose something baggy you stupid idiot.”

Baggy clothes really didn’t aesthetically suit him, ah but what choice did he have? Upon seeing a shirt that was on the tighter end, Shen Yuan completely refused to even put it on or look at it.

“Binghe, don't joke around! Don’t pick a shirt you’ll know I hate!”

But I thought this shirt would look quite good on you…

Whatever, there’s no point in buying something that Shen Yuan would never wear. He was here to get SHEN YUAN clothes, not to cater to his own tastes.

In the end, Luo Binghe felt like he had lost a battle.

EVERY single one of the shirts was baggy and long-sleeved and ALL the trousers and shorts were the epitome of some basic man wear.

…It hurt so much to see Shen Yuan decked out in the most basic clothes he could ever imagine...

WHATEVER! He handed the store’s aunty the money and left.

Luo Binghe thought it’d be over now. There was no chance they would get reported in public anymore because they weren't wearing uniform and, sure, they’d get in a little bit of trouble for skipping lessons, but it shouldn’t be anything more than a slap on the wrist.

And so, the summer days rolled by, filled with laughter and teasing and fun.

The days moved on so quickly when Shen Yuan smiled so brightly at him.

So why, as they were walking around the more populated streets, did Shen Yuan still look around nervously as if someone was watching?

Why did Shen Yuan still hide away in the corners of cafes, slouching and hiding behind his long hair as if someone was out to kill him?

Luo Binghe knew better than to ask him about this and make Shen Yuan even more frightened.

He also knew better than to trust the horrible adults and grown-ups in their lives with this information.

As he held a cool carton of tea to Shen Yuan’s forehead, cooling his boiling forehead, Luo Binghe wanted to hold his hand and tell his best friend:

I am Luo Binghe— the greatest and most powerful and strongest, better than any adult alive.

I won’t let anyone hurt you. So don’t look so afraid anymore, okay?

You can relax around me, alright?

These were the words he wanted to say.

And yet, since Shen Yuan reacted so badly to his feelings, he couldn’t manage to strangle these feelings out of his throat.

Luo Binghe didn’t dare shout them out loud no matter how much his heart burst with Shen Yuan’s smile.

But no matter what, he continued to stay up late at night, baking Shen Yuan’s favorite little sweets and snacks.

Shen Yuan's Binghe woke up an hour earlier every day, cooking extra meals for Shen Yuan to eat throughout the day or bring back home for dinner.

And, no matter how much money it cost, he brought Shen Yuan out to have fun every single day— enjoying the heat wave within the coolness of the cafe.

As long as he could stay by Shen Yuan’s side…

As long as Shen Yuan can remain happy…

Then it would all be worth it.

…

However, these happy days couldn’t last forever.

That grown-up future Luo Binghe wanted to share with Shen Yuan (that adulthood that Shen Yuan despised with every atom of his being) had to arrive at some point.

It took ten days for the principal to catch them.

“I’m disappointed in you, Luo Binghe.” The principal sat in front of them, tapping his finger on the desk as if it could intimidate Luo Binghe in any possible way.

(But looking over to his right, Shen Yuan was almost petrified with fear…)

(...)

Luo Binghe tried to end this meeting as quickly as he could.

“I understand, Sir. We both understand and we won’t do it again. We are both willing to take a penalty for our wrong actions.”

“Luo Binghe… I know you and Shen Yuan are usually very obedient students. You both have almost perfect attendance records. And generally, I trust your word. However, I cannot let you both slide without any consequences.”

Taking a deep sigh, the principal thankfully stopped tapping the desk. However, the sound of his keyboard began to clack loudly in the boiling air so loud it could be heard from the next room— shaking Shen Yuan to his core with some fear Luo Binghe couldn't decipher.

(That horrified look on Shen Yuan’s face…)

(Luo Binghe couldn’t stand it. Shen Yuan didn’t deserve to feel that way.)

(This was all his fault for getting him into trouble.)

“Luo Binghe, as you are an exception, we won’t be contacting anyone about you.” Then looking over at Shen Yuan, the principal continued. “You, Shen Yuan. I will be contacting your mother just to let her know about this.”

Shen Yuan was so still with horror that he began to distort in the summer sun as if melting away— his breath stuttering painfully as if respiring furnace fumes.

Under the desk, Luo Binghe held Shen Yuan's hand as if reminding him to breathe no matter what.

…

When they left the principal’s office, it was once again the evening ten days after time had reset.

Luo Binghe didn’t understand why Shen Yuan was so afraid. It wasn’t like they were in much trouble— the principal even said that this wouldn’t go on their record as long as they didn’t do it again.

Luo Binghe really didn’t think it was something to get worried over. But there had to be some sort of reason Shen Yuan looked so...

So...

Then, Shen Yuan suddenly grabbed his hand in that empty corridor—

Shen Yuan’s long hair began to fall forward, covering his face…

His love’s hands began to tremble from fright, tightly holding Luo Binghe's hands as if he could stop the flow of time…

“I don’t want to go home…”

Shen Yuan was crying.

“Please… Binghe, I don’t want to go back home…”

The kindest person in the world was crying...

Arid sun rays combined with the moisture in the air seemed to strangle them painfully with unbearable heat.

But despite that, nothing was more tormentful to Luo Binghe than seeing Shen Yuan sob so quietly like that.

(It was unfair.)

(Someone so kind as Shen Yuan deserved to be a loud crier.)

“If you don’t want to go home, then you should stay over at my apartment.”

Shen Yuan couldn’t answer through the boiling sobs that seemed to clog his throat. But the way he gently held Luo Binghe’s hand— the way he moved closer to hide his tear-stained face in Luo Binghe’s shoulder…

Luo Binghe didn’t need to hear the answer. Because if Shen Yuan wanted to hide his sadness away like this, then Luo Binghe would do anything to shield him from the boiling heat of that evening's sun.

…

Luo Binghe was cooking dinner in his kitchen when he heard a tiny groan of pain sound from the bedroom— falling excruciatingly on his ear.

Shen Yuan was in pain.

Shen Yuan was hurt.

He couldn’t think.

He couldn’t breathe.

He needed to get to Shen Yuan before—

Shen Yuan was on his bed without his shirt.

Today’s exceptionally boiling weather had melted the plastic of the thick tape Shen Yuan had tied painfully around his torso— tearing off layers of Shen Yuan’s skin and flesh as he attempted to peel the sticky plastic off.

The way the tape tore off his skin leaving it looking excruciatingly burnt and charred…

Luo Binghe couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand Shen Yuan's pain.

From the pain, Shen Yuan didn’t notice Luo Binghe's footsteps. But when Luo Binghe stood at the threshold, watching in horror as Shen Yuan tore off bits of his chest, Shen Yuan abruptly stood up and raced into the bathroom— slamming the door behind him.

The bathroom door didn’t have a lock. But still, Luo Binghe never even thought about opening it.

“Shen Yuan, can you come out, please?”

He could only hear the faint echoes of sobs.

It hurt so much to hear.

It hurt so much that Luo Binghe couldn’t cry alongside him— that he couldn’t hold his hand through the pain.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Silence.

“Please open the door. I won't do anything against you. I only want to help you take it off... I only want you to feel happy and safe.”

…

“I don’t care about anything else, you know? You could be a boy or you could be a girl and I wouldn’t care about anything but your happiness. You could even be an adult and I would still want to be by your side and make you feel happy.”

Shen Yuan’s hoarse voice, tired and abused by warm tears, was only quietly heard through the cracks of the bathroom door.

“What if I become some violent and ugly grown-up?”

Luo Binghe had to hold back his laughter.

“As if you could be violent and ugly. Even when you’re really angry at someone, you never do anything but ignore them— and even then, you still treat them kindly and gift thank you cards to them!”

Shen Yuan banged on the door in outrage. “How do you know that!”

I know that from our past life together.

“It’s just a guess. Am I correct? In any case, you won’t become some ugly and violent adult. If you really hate that kind of future, then I won’t let you become that kind of adult. And even if you do, I’ll be by your side— trying my best to make you happy and kind again.”

“...Don’t lie to me, Binghe. You’d hate me if I grew up.”

“I could never hate Shen Yuan. I could never dare leave you behind.”

Even now, as time turned back again and again, Luo Binghe would never leave Shen Yuan behind.

He would never walk forward into the future without Shen Yuan by his side.

“What if I become some abusive and aggressive guy if I grow up?”

“You won’t. I know Shen Yuan— I know you. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met.”

“But what if it still happens?”

“Then I’ll stay by your side making sure you achieve the body and life you truly want.”

“...”

“Some time ago, you once said that the future of wealth and success I wanted was a really REALLY boring future! You told me that if I was so smart and talented… if I could guess and predict and answer everything in life, then why not change that future? Why not create a better future that I ACTUALLY want?”

“...Since when have I ever said that?”

“In a past life!”

“Be serious…!”

“I am! I’m as serious as I can ever be! And I’m serious about what I said. If you really believe in an awful and horrible future… if you don’t want it— then I’m smart and talented enough to change it. If you stay by my side, I promise I’ll give you a better future.”

Shen Yuan’s tears could be heard, trickling down gently, cooled by the apartment's air conditioning.

“So, why don’t you open the door and let this intelligent and magnanimous and glorious Luo Binghe help you?”

Shen Yuan was silent for a long time— so quiet that Luo Binghe was beginning to wonder if he said something wrong. But, in time, the door began to squeak open.

Within the coolness of the bathroom, Shen Yuan was curled up on the toilet seat— the plastic tape still painfully molten into his skin.

That evening, ten days after Luo Binghe had once again returned back in time, Luo Binghe was with Shen Yuan.

And although the blazing sun appeared to devour all outside, within his little apartment, the air felt cold and steady.

Within the coolness of each other’s company, Luo Binghe began to apply ointment to Shen Yuan’s skin— carefully peeling off the tape inch by inch to reveal Shen Yuan’s breasts, reddened and scratched and torn, small from his deliberate starvation.

“Do you also see me as a girl?”

Luo Binghe shook his head. “I’ll see you however you want me to as long as it makes you feel happy and safe. All that matters to me is you. So whatever you care about is something that also matters to me. If being a guy matters to you, then I will care about you being a guy. If being a girl matters, then I will also care about you being a girl.”

Luo Binghe continued to carefully spread the cool ointment over Shen Yuan’s shredded skin, gently rubbing it into the soft and bloodied areas between his breasts.

Before, whether or not he'd like to admit it, thoughts of Shen Yuan's naked body might have sparked some heat within Luo Binghe. But right now, neither of them felt anything but a sleepy coldness.

Right now for a little moment, even as Shen Yuan whimpered in pain from the tape, they were beyond the reach of the excruciating heat wave.

...

When Luo Binghe finally wrapped his chest up in gauze and plaster, he led Shen Yuan back out to the kitchen only to find that dinner had become cold and ruined.

Luo Binghe fell to his knees.

Their perfect little dinner was COLD and RUINED!!!!

But even sitting down at the table— even as Shen Yuan’s eyes were WIDE and RED with the effort of not laughing at Luo Binghe’s attempt to save dinner.

Even as Luo Binghe felt like he was about to kneel over and die from the incredibly tough steak (“HAHAHA! Binghe! I can’t even cut it! You told me that dinner would be good… Is this the good food you eat normally? I thought you said you were quite talented at cooking?”).

Even as the world around them didn’t go quite how they expected, Luo Binghe couldn’t help but laugh in happiness because Shen Yuan was still by his side, smiling so brightly that the cold and chewy steak suddenly felt soft and delectable.

There was only one bed, but Luo Binghe didn’t really think twice about getting into bed with Shen Yuan.

“We’re just two friends. After all, it’s not like I brought you behind the campus and confessed my undying love to you and then invited you into my home.”

“That’s… oddly specific?”

“...It happened in a past life, don’t worry about it, you idiot.”

Indeed, don’t worry about anything, Shen Yuan.

Don’t be afraid. Don’t be sad.

Or, if you do feel those awful things, please share them with me.

I will always be beside you to help you.

If you want to be a guy, then I will help you.

If you want to be a kind and caring grown-up, then I will do everything in my power to make sure you do.

I care about you so much…

Tears began to overflow from Luo Binghe’s eyes.

Luo Binghe hadn’t cried in so many years that he no longer remembered how to rub his own tears away.

However, curled alongside Luo Binghe was Shen Yuan who, with that wonderful smile, began to dab away his sadness.

“What’s wrong, Binghe?”

“Everything… Everything— It’s all wrong! Why can’t I get the correct answer?!”

Luo Binghe’s face was ugly when he cried, scrunched up like a newborn baby. He sobbed like a little child wheezing loudly out of breath.

But despite it, Shen Yuan still stayed by his side, so incredibly carefully wiping his sorrows away.

“Binghe, you’re so brilliant… I'm sure you’ll be able to answer whatever question you have in mind.”

He couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t stop himself from letting out those ugly sounds of emotions.

"It's all wrong... I haven't solved anything! I can't even find the question... I don't understand anything at all! In the end, I'm still some stupid idiot!"

But still, Shen Yuan smiled at him.

And still, Shen Yuan patted his messy hair, lulling Luo Binghe into a cool and encompassing sleep.

“Don’t worry, Binghe. Everything will be okay.”

Then, just as Luo Binghe fell asleep, he heard one final thing.

“You’ll find that correct answer, I promise.”

—--------------

Full marks.

That was what Luo Binghe got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

In the end, Shen Yuan still killed himself.

That night after Luo Binghe had fallen asleep, Shen Yuan hadn’t stayed.

Alone, Shen Yuan had left his apartment to march out into the boiling night air forever.

…

This time, Luo Binghe didn’t rush out of the classroom, pulling a confused and yet willing Shen Yuan along with him.

No. This time Luo Binghe ran out alone.

He couldn't comprehend anything.

He didn’t understand how he was incorrect!

Luo Binghe just wasn’t smart enough to figure out how to fix everything…

“Binghe!” Shen Yuan was out of breath when he found Luo Binghe, drenched with the rays of the sun, tears uncontrollably rolling down his now-ugly face. “What’s wrong?!?!”

Running up to him in that isolated corridor, Shen Yuan didn’t hesitate to wipe Luo Binghe’s tears away with his cool handkerchief.

Still covered with painful tears, Luo Binghe reached out to grab Shen Yuan’s warm hands.

“Shen Yuan!”

“...I’m here??? Ahh, why are you shouting? What happened to make you cry? Did you get a bad test result or something? Did you answer a question incorrectly—”

“I want to visit your house!”

Luo Binghe froze. He said that by accident.

He was an IDIOT!!!

“...” Shen Yuan made a strange face. “What? What’s my house got to do with anything?”

Everything.

It had to be everything.

It had to…

Shen Yuan’s lack of food from home… His purposeful starvation… His ill-fitting school uniform… His lack of casual clothes… How his chest was bound so painfully in cheap plastic tape, melted away by the heat…

Please… Binghe, I don’t want to go back home…

Luo Binghe’s hand began to tremble.

“Forget about what I just said.” Shen Yuan didn’t like such direct methods. It was a mistake to blurt that out without meaning to. “I was just daydreaming some nightmare, don’t worry about it—”

“You say that… But how can I not worry?”

Letting out a deep and dramatic sigh, Shen Yuan suddenly tugged on Luo Binghe’s wrists— leading the crying teenager out of the hallway and to the campus’ main gates— pulling him over the gates and allowing Luo Binghe to cushion his blow as he jumped off the gates.

“I… I thought you didn’t want to skip school…! Shen Yuan, we should head back! I thought you didn’t want to get into trouble—”

“Who told you that I didn't want to skip school…?”

Luo Binghe sniffled a little. “You told me that in a previous life.”

“...”

“...”

Shen Yuan tactfully ignored those words. “Come on, where do you want to go? Skipping one day of school won’t be the end of the world. You seem like you need a day off.”

And like that, Luo Binghe followed Shen Yuan around— hiding in dark little cafes with him and strolling through the summer heat until his tears had all evaporated into a smile.

Just like the previous cycle, Luo Binghe asked Shen Yuan if he had a set of casual clothes and, upon hearing the same answer, he took him out to the same smaller street-side clothing stores.

“Let me guess, baggy clothes?”

Shen Yuan genuinely looked shocked. “How could you tell???”

“You told me that in a previous life.”

“What the HELL are you talking about?????”

Luo Binghe chose the exact same outfits Shen Yuan seemed to like before— shirts that Luo Binghe noticed were baggy enough to hide his breasts and trousers that hid his more feminine hips.

By four in the afternoon, Luo Binghe’s unhappiness was completely wiped away by Shen Yuan’s so brilliant smile— shaking away the weariness from his heart.

He traced the curves of that smile into his memory... he didn’t want to lose that smile no matter what.

“Shen Yuan, are you going home now?”

“What… are you… Do you still want to go to my home?” He looked so nervous— so scared…

He shook his head. “No! Nope! Not at all! However… I… Uh, um…”

Despite how much Luo Binghe dithered around the topic… No matter how much Luo Binghe was supposed to act like a cool and intelligent main character— Shen Yuan didn’t mind waiting for him, standing there patiently for Luo Binghe to finally formulate his words.

“Do… Do you want to have a sleepover? Do you want to stay at my house for a while?”

“Why…?”

“I just get a little lonely...! I thought it’d be nice to have someone there beside me…”

You don't need to go back to your home again. You can stay with me forever if you want.

“Was that why you were so unhappy this morning?”

Luo Binghe nodded his head. He felt drops of sweat roll down his neck— slowly.

“Are… Are you really that lonely?”

“I’ll only be lonely if Shen Yuan isn’t there beside me!”

“...You’re so corny!”

“Please!!! Stay over at my place!!!!” He began to BEG. This awesome main character Luo Binghe is BEGGING right now!!!!

“I’ll cook for you every day!!! I’ll do all your laundry!! I’ll make you little calico cat-shaped biscuits that you can dip in tea and enjoy—”

“What flavor are the cat biscuits?”

What an easy question.

“Earl Grey.”

“...”

“Is that a yes?”

“What the hell are you talking about… I’m not living with you just for some food…”

…

Was it a failure?

“But… I’ll stay with you for ONE night!” Shen Yuan even held up one finger to emphasize his point. “ONE night!!”

Who knew that food really was the way into Shen Yuan’s heart!!!!!

“ONE NIGHT!!!!”

But one night turned into two as Shen Yuan tasted dinner— a DELICIOUS steak that was SOFT and NOT CHEWY.

“How do you even cook like this…”

“Isn’t it great? Aren’t I amazing?”

Closing his eyes, Shen Yuan sighed dramatically before cracking one open and then giving him a bright smile. “Yes, my Binghe is truly amazing! Binghe is the best in the world and better than ALL the chefs alive!”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Then two nights became three, and then four, and then five— then an entire week had passed, the both of them living within each other’s company, ignoring the heat wave that was gradually boiling them alive.

Then one night, Shen Yuan came bursting into his bedroom.

Because hidden in the pile of new school uniforms Luo Binghe had bought for him, was a cloth binder— something unable to be destroyed by the heat of the sun.

“What the HELL is this!!”

Luo Binghe averted his eyes and began to sweat nervously. When he learned about Shen Yuan’s body, he didn’t know how to go about this all.

He REALLY didn’t.

In this new life, he thought about perhaps pulling Shen Yuan aside to talk about it softly… Or maybe even just springing it onto him and then pretending nothing’s happened like “Oh, by the way, I know what you are… but I still want to help you and I also promise not to treat you like a girl— please don't take this weirdly.”

Ahh, whatever he planned just didn’t feel right. Especially when Shen Yuan would reject and throw away any sort of direct approach.

He had no idea how to approach the issue. But when he remembered how the smell of burnt plastic lingered on Shen Yuan’s shredded skin that night…

He couldn’t allow A-Yuan to go through so much pain again.

“Since WHEN did you know?!?”

With his eyes still averted, Luo Binghe could only hear the fuming anger in Shen Yuan’s voice.

I’ve only known it since your past life…

But Luo Binghe only stayed silent.

Was he afraid?

Was he frightened that Shen Yuan would leave him and ignore him again like the cycle he confessed his love?

Luo Binghe didn’t want to know if he had the wrong answer again.

He didn't want to see if his approach was incorrect.

He was so scared—

But Shen Yuan gripped his hair and pulled his face up, forcing him to stare into Shen Yuan’s watery eyes…

“I just wanted to help you.”

“I only wanted you to be happy with yourself.”

“I didn’t want you to be in pain anymore!”

“I’m smart, right? I’m some genius, right?! I just wanted to help you achieve that future you wanted!!”

“I promised! I promised that I’d find an answer— the correct solution so you can achieve that future you want! A future you can be happy with yourself—”

The words wouldn’t stop overflowing.

Feelings and desires and everything related to his love began to uncontrollably spill out of his mouth.

Luo Binghe didn’t know what to do. He didn't know how to stop.

He has never known what the correct answer was outside of textbooks and exams.

He just wanted to try his best...

“YOU!” Shen Yuan, now with both hands, tugged more on his hair. “You!! You’re calling yourself a genius?!?! If you were a genius, you could’ve told me you knew earlier!! You would've… I could’ve…”

As tears began to flow from his eyes, Shen Yuan silently crumbled onto the floor.

Luo Binghe didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to even approach the correct answer. And yet, Luo Binghe didn’t hesitate to begin wiping away his tears— just like Shen Yuan had done for him.

“...Are you angry at me?”

Surprisingly, it wasn’t Luo Binghe who said those words.

“Why would I be angry at you?”

“…”

“...Ahh, whatever you’re possibly thinking of isn’t a big deal to me.”

“What if it is? What if I—”

“What if you grow up into some ugly and horrible and violent adult?”

“WHAT. Where did you hear that from???”

“A past life—”

“SHUT UP!!!!”

“...It’s really true, though… In any case…” Luo Binghe pulled Shen Yuan up from the ground. “Stand up! Let’s clean you up first and have some dinner together.”

But Shen Yuan didn’t move. He didn't let himself be pulled up.

“What if I don’t want to eat?”

Luo Binghe didn’t flinch. “Then I will cook for you anyway. If you stay by my side, there will always be a warm homemade meal waiting for you.”

“What if I was a girl?”

He continued to stand tall like a pillar. He continued to let Shen Yuan hold onto his words as if his life depended on Luo Binghe.

“If that’s what you want, then I will help you achieve that future no matter what.”

“What if I want to die? What if I don’t want to live to be a grown-up?”

Luo Binghe couldn’t falter. He couldn’t hesitate or show fear or panic. And yet, upon hearing those awful words creep out darkly from Shen Yuan’s mouth—

“I won’t let you!” Luo Binghe grabbed Shen Yuan’s hands tightly as if he would disappear into the heat forever. “I don’t care at all about what you think the future is like! I won't let you die!”

“But the future’s going to be AWFUL! I’ll turn into a terrible person who only cares about themselves!! I’ll turn into an ADULT!!!”

“SO WHAT!!!” Luo Binghe threw his head forward— smashing it into the smaller man’s forehead and causing them both to writhe in pain.

“You’ll turn into an adult… so WHAT! You’ll be the kindest and best and loveliest grown-up ever!!! I won’t let you become anything else!!!! I won’t let you become someone you HATE no matter what!!!!!”

But despite their outrage, it was never a boiling kind of anger. It was something cool like an ointment.

Even when they spent ten minutes in the bathroom trying to maneuver and pull the WAY TOO TIGHT binder onto Shen Yuan, their bickering and arguing felt nothing like the heat radiating from the outside, waiting to enclose its maws onto the pair.

…

“I… Binghe, I… I need to go home for a bit after school today.”

This is what Shen Yuan said, ten days after the world had reset.

Ten days.

“...Is there something wrong at home?”

Don’t go home.

Don’t abandon this world.

Don’t go leave in such an awful way anymore…

“There’s… There’s nothing wrong. It’s just been a long time since I’ve been back home, you know? It's been almost ten days already... I... just need to collect some things from my room…”

But the way that Shen Yuan’s eyes darted around like a prey watching out for a trap— the way his hands began to sweat and warm up with fear…

“We… I— You don’t need to go back.”

You don’t need to EVER go back to somewhere you hate.

“Shen Yuan, I can… I can buy you another one…”

Just stay with me, Shen Yuan. Just stay with me and be happy forever.

But Shen Yuan only shook his head— turning his head side by side as if someone behind him was holding his neck, twisting it painfully.

“I need to go back…"

Before Luo Binghe could rebel against his decision, Shen Yuan suddenly reached to grab his hand with a tight grip.

"You— You’ll come with me, right…?” Shen Yuan looked like he was going to cry if rejected.

And, how could Luo Binghe ever say no to such a sincere request?

There wasn’t a possibility in this world— in any timeline or future or past— that Luo Binghe could truly deny Shen Yuan.

…

Even from afar, the house stunk with rot.

Shen Yuan’s house was overrun with weeds and discarded trash bags— a house that the city services had clearly long since forgotten.

He didn’t dare look at Luo Binghe’s expression, too scared to even see what he thought of his rundown home. But still, it seemed as if Luo Binghe’s grip around his hand was still a comforting one.

“Give… Give me a moment.” Shen Yuan led them around the back and into an overgrown bush. “Turn around… Don’t look at me.”

When he was allowed to look, Shen Yuan was wearing their uniform. But the new trousers Luo Binghe had bought for him were replaced by a skirt— old and yet in perfect condition.

His long hair, usually loose and free-flowing, had been tied up into a braid.

And, although hidden away by his shirt, his cloth binder had been painstakingly shucked off— replaced by a bra.

If Luo Binghe didn’t know any better, then he would’ve guessed that Shen Yuan was an innocent little schoolgirl.

If Luo Binghe didn’t know any better, then he wouldn’t have guessed that the person standing in front of him was Shen Yuan.

“Don’t… Don’t look at me.”

But how could Luo Binghe take his eyes off Shen Yuan? How could he ignore the pain and fear that was etched into his expression as the skirt rustled in the breeze? How can Luo Binghe ignore the way he puffed up his shirt— trying to hide his breasts.

How could he possibly ignore the unhappiness buried so deeply within Shen Yuan?

But still, as per his wishes, he looked away from the body that Shen Yuan so desperately wanted to kill.

From the outside, the smell was awful but didn’t seem too overpowering. However, the moment Shen Yuan opened the unlocked door (its lock broken from years of break-ins), the smell hit them both like a torrent— a mixture of rotten foods, months out of date, lying about in the heat wave.

It smelt like a corpse.

Among the immense heat that radiated from the house, piles upon piles of trash cluttered the living room like an abandoned landfill— clinging onto the house as if it was unable to expel this poison and vomit it all away.

Without even looking closely, Luo Binghe could spot how maggots devoured the decay of the takeaway boxes and cockroaches scattered along the floor with each step.

The sound of rats echoed in the stale air as they squeaked and bit through the walls with audible crunches— eventually revealing themselves to be massive as they ran loudly and disgustingly over their feet, leaving feces behind them…

Sitting on the crumbling and brown-stained sofa among the rats and cockroaches, a woman was watching the television.

She smelt so pungent and strong that Luo Binghe could almost taste her scent lingering in the air, lingering awfully in the back of his throat.

The woman didn’t move a muscle— her head and eyes trained on the advertisements and flashing colors of the old and blaringly loud TV.

“My daughter... Girl... Did you finally bring home a boyfriend...? A boyfriend... Are you going to get married...? Did you finally get a boyfriend...”

A boyfriend…

Shen Yuan withdrew his hand away from Luo Binghe as if he was burnt.

His love looked so scared that he could barely talk— no longer able to breathe in the toxic and rotten fumes of the house.

"..." Luo Binghe spoke clearly and deliberately. “I’m not Shen Yuan’s boyfriend. Just a friend.”

The woman didn’t move. She didn’t stop stinking of an overheated dumpster left in the heatwave sun for years.

“A friend… Just a friend… A friend… My daughter… and a friend… a man… a friend…”

As the woman continued to babble to herself, Luo Binghe pulled Shen Yuan through the trash— whispering into his ear so the woman couldn't hear, “Shen Yuan, where’s your room? Let’s keep going…”

Shen Yuan was too afraid to speak.

They both held their breath as Luo Binghe, tugging on Shen Yuan’s sleeve instead, dragged their way through the boiling rubbish. Almost mindlessly, Shen Yuan grabbed his wrist— holding onto Luo Binghe tightly so that he wouldn’t lose himself among the smell of rotting vermin and trash.

Shen Yuan’s room was in the attic. Clean and tidy and padded with cheap soundproofing, it was the only place where the rats and cockroaches didn’t enter.

“I’m… I’m sorry about it all…” Shen Yuan’s face was red with heat and shame. “It’s disgusting… But… I… I just...”

Luo Binghe held his hand tightly and shook his head, quieting Shen Yuan's embarrassment.

“I just need to collect a couple of things… You can look around my room if you want. Just… don’t get anything dirty…”

Walking around the attic carefully, Luo Binghe began to comprehend how small it really was.

From his deliberate starvation, Shen Yuan was still quite short for his age and so was able to generally walk around unobstructed. But Luo Binghe, who had long since entered puberty and grown much taller, could barely even crouch through the tiny attic without his head painfully hitting the sun-warmed roof.

How could anyone possibly do any work in this kind of house? No wonder Shen Yuan couldn’t do his homework…

Between the screeches of the TV downstairs and his mother’s constant rambling and groaning and crying, how could someone focus on some essay?

It was boiling hot. Shen Yuan’s breath was labored as he breathed in the excruciatingly searing air— heat which rose from the house, unable to escape from the lack of a window.

Within the unbearable and inescapable heat of the tiny attic, Shen Yuan either couldn’t fit a table there or afford a table or both— forcing him to do all his work in his lap or while lying down on the splintering wooden floor.

There wasn’t even a bed here… just a pile of blankets on the floor, arranged as neatly as Shen Yuan could.

But, in the corner amongst Luo Binghe's corny card, out of the rays of the boiling sun, there was a framed picture— yellowed and faded from the summer heatwave.

It was an old picture of Shen Yuan smiling brightly as a child, wearing a green shirt and shorts.

And then next to him, evidently mid-fight, were two people Luo Binghe knew by heart—

Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge.

The only people who had scored even close to Luo Binghe in the most recent national examination.

Although none of them went to the same school, Luo Binghe had the opportunity to meet these two once during the national high achievers celebration.

And, it only took one meeting for Luo Binghe to utterly despise those pair of awful human beings.

Who knew they were childhood friends with Shen Yuan…

“Oh, this picture…” Shen Yuan stared at it at a distance as if afraid to pick it up— as if afraid to interrupt the happy memories of childhood within. “It’s an old thing, isn’t it…”

“Do you miss them?”

“Jiu-ge and Qingge... How could I not miss them? Even though it’s been so long, they were my friends… I miss them. I miss them so unbelievably.”

Shen Yuan’s eyes in a way that Luo Binghe couldn’t help but pout at.

Why is Shen Yuan acting so nostalgic about THOSE two stupid idiots…

(I thought Shen Yuan was MY friend…)

“If those two boys were here, then would you feel happier?”

Shen Yuan seemed to give it some serious thought before he abruptly turned his eyes away from the frame— seemingly shaken out of whatever he was considering.

But still, quietly, Shen Yuan answered the question.

“If they were still here, then perhaps things would’ve been better.”

…

The woman was still unmoving in the unbearable heat, continuing to stare unchangingly at the television as if nothing else existed.

“Girl… My daughter… My daughter… My little girl…”

Luo Binghe was already outside of the house when Shen Yuan froze at the doorway.

“My daughter… My girl… Don’t you know what day it is, my daughter? Won’t you stay with your mother?”

Shen Yuan’s eyes—

They were so terrified.

“Why don’t you stay… My daughter… My only child… Why are you abandoning your mother on this special day…?”

Shen Yuan, don’t be scared. Shen Yuan, just walk outside— come back home with me!

Luo Binghe tried to grab Shen Yuan— he tried to reach over the threshold to pull him out, but—

“Binghe… I think I should stay at home tonight.”

“..."

"This is stupid.” Luo Binghe spoke quietly, and yet his hand couldn’t stop shaking. “You’re stupid. Just grab my hand. Don’t you want to leave? Don’t you want to join me in the future?”

“Binghe, I don’t want to become a grown-up… I don’t want to leave.”

I don’t want to become a grown-up.

I don’t want to become a selfish and violent and ugly grown-up.

Yes. The world of grown-ups was brutal and unforgiving. In that world, even a miracle answer to how to live successfully was something that required demeaning and hurting oneself.

Indeed. In that grown-up world, if he died, someone would merely replace him.

Truly. It was going to be a lonely future.

(A future he didn't quite want or look forward to.)

But Shen Yuan deserved a chance to live in it!

A-Yuan deserved a chance to change it!

But it was too late.

Luo Binghe had once again answered incorrectly.

Even as Luo Binghe snatched Shen Yuan away from his home— even as he dragged him along, racing into the darkening sky—

Even as he tried to pull Shen Yuan away from the stench and rot of that boiling house…

Despite it all, he already knew it was all useless.

And, perhaps in that moment as these two teenagers ran away—

Shen Yuan spoke softly as if telling him a secret. “I don’t want to grow up anymore, Binghe.”

—They both understood that this was the incorrect solution.

—--------------

Full marks.

That was what Luo Binghe got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

That day, Shen Yuan had slipped through the cracks of Luo Binghe's hands and faded away once again into that awful summer's heat.

Shen Yuan killed himself.

And once again, Luo Binghe failed to stop him.

But right now, he had a clearer view of the correct answer— that house…

The way Shen Yuan’s clothes changed the moment he entered his own house…

The way Shen Yuan froze with fear upon hearing his mother’s voice…

There was no way Luo Binghe would call the cops about this. He wouldn’t subject Shen Yuan to the same orphan and fostering system he had spent years trying to escape.

But…

Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge.

Shen Yuan's Jiu-ge and Qingge...

If they were still here, then perhaps things would’ve been better.

Luo Binghe was still far from the correct solution. He was still unable to even properly understand the question at hand.

But with these two names in hand…

Perhaps, the answer was becoming clearer.

Chapter Text

Like the last time, it took a day to convince Shen Yuan to stay over at his place— lured over and convinced by the prospect of even more snacks this time.

At least for these ten days, Shen Yuan didn't have to go back to that sweltering house. He could be at peace for at least a little while, temporarily able to escape that little boiling attic without a window.

Luo Binghe, on the other hand, had ten days of absolutely HORRIBLE stress awaiting him.

“You’re Luo Binghe?” Liu Qingge glared at the man waiting outside his school. The heat wave sunshine made both of them sweat and scrunch their eyes shut.

Luo Binghe could barely respond with an affirmative before Liu Qingge suddenly stormed away.

“I’m not interested in talking to a guy like you! Get lost!”

…

“Liu Qingge! How dare you turn your back on me!”

“I DARE! Get lost you silly boy—”

Luo Binghe felt his eyes twitch. “If you were mentally capable of shutting up for even a SECOND, then maybe you’ll regret insulting me!”

They were basically strangers, and yet, how did their relationship even get this bad… Well, actually, Luo Binghe knew perfectly well why.

During the national high achievers' ceremony, as the protagonist of the world, Luo Binghe didn’t hesitate to gloat and punch down the other students— most notably the runner-ups who had both scored just two marks below him.

If… If Luo Binghe knew he ACTUALLY needed to talk to these two idiots, then maybe he would’ve kept his mouth shut…

(Actually, nah. He definitely would’ve still looked at those two certificates with an “oooh” and an “ahhh, you scored a REALLY high mark, huh…. Oh wait, never mind, I think I scored higher!”)

“It’s about Shen Yuan!”

Liu Qingge froze as if he had been shot in the head.

“Why the HELL does a slut boy like YOU know Shen Yuan?!”

A…

A slut boy???

Yeah, okay. He doesn’t need a bastard like Liu Qingge to help him.

After all, Shen Yuan had TWO childhood friends. If one of them was some ultra-stupid idiot, then he could always try the other.

Outside a different high school, Shen Jiu stared at him with disdain.

“You? You disgusting little beast! Why do you even KNOW Shen Yuan’s name? Are you trying to get into his pants?”

Where… Where the hell did these two idiots get this impression of him? Why do they all see him as some kind of lady killer???

Hell NO. He won't allow Shen Jiu to insult him. Only Shen Yuan had the right to insult this wonderful protagonist!!

“Shen Jiu, you’re being so incredibly crude right now! You've jumped to that conclusion oh so very quickly... Don't tell me... are YOU trying to get into Shen Yuan’s bed? Well, I’m sad to say that you’ve failed.” Luo Binghe didn't hold back an unhelpful smirk. “Right now, Shen Yuan is already tucked tightly into my bed! I’m sorry to say that you’re already too late!”

A look of repulsiveness spread across his face, barely hidden behind his thin skin.

“Luo Binghe! Are you here just to throw accusations and insult me? Kill yourself!”

“Kill myself and leave poor little Shen Yuan alone and cold in bed? Oh, the horror! How could I possibly deprive my A-Yuan of such pleasures! A-Yuan will surely miss his precious bed-warmer—”

When Luo Binghe arrived back at his apartment that night, Shen Yuan had taken one look at him, dropped everything he was studying, and immediately jumped on him to fuss over his black eye.

“How could you lose?!?! You’re Luo Binghe! You should’ve fought back and beaten them up and won! How could you ruin your reputation and face like this...”

As if he would beat up someone Shen Yuan seemed to love.

“Hehe… Are you encouraging me to be a delinquent?”

“Of course not!!!" Shen Yuan began to smack his head playfully. "Don't be some bully, okay? But if you must fight then you better win… What happened anyway? Since when were you someone who got into fights… The Binghe I know is a very kind and tolerant person! Where did that sweet Binghe go?”

Luo Binghe relished the way Shen Yuan carefully dabbed ointment onto his bruised right eye. If getting beat up by Shen Jiu resulted in this kind of attention, then he was willing to make a detour to that idiot's school every single day!

“Shen Yuan’s observations are correct. I’m just your sweet little guy! And about the fight… Well, don’t worry about it, okay?”

Ahh, yeah. Don't worry about it at all... Just leave it all to your sweet and wonderful Binghe...

But still, what a disastrous day… He learned nothing beyond the fact those two "high achievers" were idiots who could barely comprehend a single sentence. And he even got a black eye in return for his efforts!

Even worse, coming back home to Shen Yuan with wounds really wasn’t the best thing… What if Shen Yuan became convinced that Luo Binghe was some violent guy who always physically quarreled with others? From now on, it was really better to not get into any more fights— EVEN if they resulted in Shen Yuan so cutely worrying about him…

After dressing his wound, Shen Yuan used both hands to gently and playfully pat his head— messing his perfect hair up in a way that made him giggle and smile at his Binghe.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Not even the air conditioning could stop the shine of Shen Yuan’s beautiful smile!!!

ACTUALLY, if Shen Yuan would smile at him like this every time he got hurt, then maybe one or two more bruises would be a little beneficial.

And, to be honest… if he let those two kick him around a little then perhaps they would ACTUALLY say something useful.

That was Luo Binghe’s plan— to continue waiting outside Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge’s respective schools until they finally folded and said something useful.

But as Luo Binghe and Shen Yuan were walking home together the next day…

Shen Yuan turned his head backward, staring at the quickly enlarging crowd near some bushes behind them.

“What's that sound... Is there a fight breaking out?”

It was odd. Luo Binghe certainly didn’t remember an event like this ever happening in the previous timelines.

But all made sense the moment the crowd began to clear slightly— revealing a pair of teenagers rolling out of the bushes, tugging on each other’s hair and shouting insults at each other for “taking MY hiding spot!”

It was Liu Qingge and Shen Jiu.

Those two ASSHOLES! They clearly cared about what Luo Binghe had to say about Shen Yuan and yet they resorted to stalking him?!!

Why can’t these two idiots just talk to him like a normal person??

What STUPID men!

But… What a good opportunity…

If Luo Binghe could catch them in this shameful act, he could use this incident as leverage to strangle information about Shen Yuan out of their necks. Or, even, Luo Binghe could—

Shen Yuan suddenly grabbed Luo Binghe’s hand.

He held Luo Binghe with an iron grip.

Shen Yuan was frozen with fear.

Fear?

If they were still here, then perhaps things would’ve been better.

…Why would Shen Yuan be afraid of those two?

But Luo Binghe knew better than to force the answer out of Shen Yuan. Instead, he squeezed his hand back in comfort.

“Don’t worry, Shen Yuan. Fights are scary. There’s no need to watch or intervene… We'll just let those two idiot brutes take it out on each other. Come on, let's go now.” Taking one last look at them, Luo Binghe sighed.

If Shen Yuan didn’t want to see those two, then there was no need for Luo Binghe to bring them into the situation.

(But… It was odd, wasn’t it?)

(If they were still here, then perhaps things would’ve been better.)

(In the previous timeline, why did Shen Yuan look at that picture with so much love?)

Hand-in-hand, never letting A-Yuan go, Luo Binghe began to leave the commotion far behind, making their way back to their shared home—

“LUO BINGHE! YOU BETTER LET GO OF THAT HAND!!!!”

Shen Yuan whispered frantically. “Binghe! Binghe! Go faster!!! They’re catching up!!!!!”

Somehow, despite rolling around and fighting each other, those two had managed to IMMEDIATELY spot them in the distance and get their priorities sorted.

Even more annoyingly, those two were actually quite athletic and quick…

Shen Yuan was still quite short and his legs couldn’t move as fast as Luo Binghe’s. So, with only a second of hesitation, Luo Binghe loudly whispered an apology before scooping him up into his arms.

Seeing Luo Binghe pull their childhood friend into a bridal carry, and WORSE, seeing Shen Yuan seemingly accept it and even point onwards—

“LUO BINGHE!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!”

In his over ten-year-long career of being a self-proclaimed protagonist, Luo Binghe had trained immensely to make sure he was athletically talented. And so, even with Shen Yuan sitting comfortably in his arms, Luo Binghe was able to easily outrun Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge.

(Shen Yuan was too light…)

(When they got back home, he was going to cook him a feast.)

(Actually, no, he was going to cook him an entire goddamn daily BANQUET for the rest of their lives.)

Shen Yuan was NOT impressed at how much food Luo Binghe had cooked. But despite how his face crumpled up with anger so adorably, Shen Yuan still sat down and ate like there was no tomorrow.

Happy and with a soft smile, Luo Binghe could only watch this little hissy cat devour his delicious hard work— his frustrated expression improving dramatically with each bite...

Whenever Shen Yuan eats, his mood really sweetens!

It was only after dessert that Luo Binghe managed to gather the courage to ask something he had been thinking about.

“The fight that broke out earlier today… Did you know who those two were?”

“...” Shen Yuan’s eyes seemed to glaze over with something— perhaps a memory. It clouded his vision like how the heat distorted the air.

Ah, he's such an idiot... He really should’ve been more indirect with this question…

“You don’t need to answer, Shen Yuan. I was just curious.”

He shook his head. “There’s no need to apologize. I was just trying to remember who they were… If my memory is right, then I think they used to attend primary school with me. They used to... bully me…”

“Hmm, Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge being bullies? Yeah, I can totally see that. They both have horrible personalities, don’t they, Shen Yuan?”

“Have you met them before?” Shen Yuan’s eyes shifted as if trying to avoid the sight of something.

What on earth was A-Yuan seeing?

Luo Binghe wanted to brush those horrible things away from his most precious friend's sight. But instead, he could only tuck Shen Yuan's long hair behind his ears.

“I saw them last summer during the national high achievers ceremony. Awful people! They kept on bothering me about how high their test scores were! Don't you think those two are such arrogant idiots?”

Shen Yuan gave him a dubious stare before breaking out into full-bodied laughter. “Ha ha! Binghe! Weren’t YOU the one who kept on bragging about getting the highest mark in the country?”

“Shen Yuan! How could you say such horrible things about your poor little Binghe! I would NEVER be so arrogant!”

Laughing, Shen Yuan reached over the table to mess up Luo Binghe’s perfect hair again. “Of course, my poor little Binghe is the sweetest person in the entire world. Binghe is both handsome and smart and so, SO kind!”

Shen Yuan— his life, his future— smiled so wonderfully at him.

His heart wanted to jump out of his chest— it wanted to escape the boundaries of his body and expand with love until Shen Yuan couldn’t ignore his passion anymore.

This feeling… This kind of warmth that was so unlike the unbearable heat of the summer…

He wouldn’t accept a future without that smile.

Luo Binghe would not allow a future without Shen Yuan’s happiness.

That night, cuddling side by side in their air-conditioned bedroom, Shen Yuan whispered desperate words and prayers into Luo Binghe’s ear.

“Please, don’t talk to Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge… Please…”

But he couldn’t promise him this. Luo Binghe couldn’t give up the chance to learn the correct answer.

Instead, he held his hand tightly.

—--------------------

They were supposed to have a NICE and CORDIAL conversation together in this empty cafe. However, none of them seemed capable enough to hold back the slurs and hateful words that were bubbling and begging to be let out of their throats.

“So…” Luo Binghe, taking a deep and heavy sigh—

“What does a playboy like YOU have to sigh about?”

Luo Binghe glared at Liu Qingge. “Why do you both have that impression of me…”

Sure, he was popular with women, but it wasn’t like he ACTUALLY dated anybody who went up to him... Scratch that, he hasn't even INTERACTED with any of his admirers! Even before he realized how precious Shen Yuan was to him, he thought that things like relationships and romance were distractions to his academic career.

“Who wouldn’t think of you that way, you filthy beast!” Shen Jiu looked him up and down as if Luo Binghe’s handsome appearance confirmed his own stupid beliefs. “Luo Binghe— the infamous arrogant little boy who attracts nothing but women… What a disgusting little creature! Who the HELL would like you!”

“HA!” Luo Binghe felt his fingers twitch into an angry fist— as if ready to pounce out and payback for his black eye. “So I'm some filthy beast? But my precious little A-Yuan loooves to get up and close to me!”

This conversation was going nowhere.

Under the excruciating heat of the summer, all their hatred for each other seemed to explode into uncontrollable aggression.

Even the waiter in the corner of the cafe felt uncomfortable under the boiling atmosphere, her eyes constantly darting to the clock as if silently begging for her shift to end sooner.

After seeing Luo Binghe carry Shen Yuan away, it seemed as if those troublesome two would now stop at NOTHING to tear Shen Yuan away from him.

And Luo Binghe would never let ANYONE— not even death itself let alone these two foolish teenagers— do such a thing.

But, to his great dismay, these two were likely the only people Luo Binghe could extract the right answer from.

Sucking up his hostility as best he could, Luo Binghe began to pressure them.

“Shen Yuan told me that you used to bully him. Why should I listen to the opinion of two bullies?”

“BULLIES???” In outrage, Liu Qingge slammed the table before awkwardly sitting back down— painfully trying to ignore the glare from the waiting staff. “Luo Binghe, you dare call us bullies?? We were Shen Yuan’s BEST friends!”

“Indeed, you were Shen Yuan’s closest and BEST friends who didn’t bother contacting him for almost a decade! You both truly set groundbreaking standards for best friends! Or… Are you saying that Shen Yuan was lying to me?”

“Of course, Shen Yuan is lying!” Liu Qingge’s face twisted at the thought of bullying Shen Yuan. “We were closer to him than anyone! We were better friends with him than YOU!”

“So, if you truly aren’t horrible HORRIBLE bullies… Then, why would Shen Yuan lie about something like this? Why did he look so scared when I mentioned your names?”

The cafe's sweltering air was overwhelming, seemingly choking the answer, making it unable to leave the throats of the two in front of him.

Despite the heat (or, perhaps, because of the heat), it seemed as if the blood had dispersed from Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge’s faces— leaving behind a pale expression.

They almost appeared scared of the answer.

If it wasn’t Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge but instead the wondrous and loving Shen Yuan who sat in front of him, then, at this point, Luo Binghe wouldn’t have dared to push further— he wouldn’t dare make A-Yuan uncomfortable no matter how much he wanted to know the answer.

However, Shen Yuan was safe in his apartment, reading and playing, humming with a carefree tune while waiting for his Binghe to come back.

Luo Binghe didn’t hesitate to push down harder on these two idiots. He tightened his grip on them, painfully trying to tug the answer out of their brains.

“You two wonderful BEST friends were so eager to call me names and accuse me of things I’ve never done! I wonder… Why are you two so silent right now? Do you have something to hide? Did you two really bully Shen Yuan? Did you hurt him?”

“Liu Qingge, you brute…” Shen Jiu suddenly spoke with a quiet voice. “You’re so stupid. Who let you talk? Who let you SPEAK at all!”

“YOU! Shen Jiu! You are the stupid one! At least I did SOMETHING! You just sit there and order people around without caring for the consequences! Everything has been YOUR fault!”

“MY fault?? I’m SORRY that I am so quick to think of a solution! If you had taken charge, then you would have hesitated and dithered around so much it would already be too late! At least my idea HELPED!”

“In what possible way did it HELP!”

Ah?

Luo Binghe was really quite confused.

It was a little jarring to see those two team up on insulting him before immediately destroying their bond to begin arguing with each other!

What a wonderful sight to see such awful people be terrible to each other!

However, it wasn’t useful at all.

The clock in the cafe ticked.

Six days left…

“We don’t have time for this…” Luo Binghe tried to take back control of the conversation but—

“Why do YOU even care about ANY of this!” Shen Jiu glared at him with such intense hatred it made Luo Binghe sweat. “Why does someone like you even care about A-Yuan! You should just get lost and leave this all behind you damn beast!”

Looking around the cafe, Luo Binghe noted how the waiting staff had all run away from the main room out of awkwardness.

And yet, despite how these words wouldn’t be overheard, Luo Binghe let out this horrible secret only through a whisper.

“Shen Yuan is planning on killing himself.”

The burning hatred that once blazed uncontrollably within Shen Jiu's eyes had suddenly been doused painfully.

Dread— it was this feeling that mixed with the unbearable heat. It was this feeling that powered the silence that descended upon them like a waterfall of boiling water.

In the end, it was Shen Jiu who spoke first.

“How… How do you even know that…”

Shen Jiu could barely speak through the excruciating heat.

“How can you be so sure…”

…What stupid words…

“I swear on my own life.” Having lived through this overwhelming heat wave for so many lifetimes, Luo Binghe was the only one here with eyes clear enough to navigate through the distortion of the heat.

“Shen Yuan will kill himself in about six days. And I don’t even know why… So, please. I need you to tell me what happened to Shen Yuan. I need to help Shen Yuan.”

Luo Binghe's voice pushed through the raging heat.

“Please, I need to know what happened to Shen Yuan.”

“...”

It was Liu Qingge, not Shen Jiu, who ended the conversation.

“You’re just a stranger… As if an outsider like you has the right to know what happened.”

—-------------------

Luo Binghe didn’t know how those two managed to find his address.

“A-Yuan, you need to leave this loser’s house RIGHT NOW!”

“How… How did you know I was here…!”

From around the corner, Luo Binghe could hear fear shake and tremble through Shen Yuan’s voice.

Luo Binghe was out to try and track down Shen Jiu or Liu Qingge in hopes he could beat the truth out of them. However, who thought that those two had managed to successfully stalk him and find his apartment.

Liu Qingge tried to pull Shen Yuan out of his home— he tried to run away with A-Yuan.

“Let go of me! I don’t want to go with you!”

“Come on, A-Yuan!” Liu Qingge struggled against him, but, no matter what, Shen Yuan wouldn’t budge.

Shen Yuan wasn’t someone who was moved by force.

A-Yuan wasn’t a person who was convinced by direct tactics like this.

Shen Jiu didn’t intervene— not to pull Shen Yuan out or to stop Liu Qingge.

Luo Binghe guessed that he almost seemed… afraid.

No, it wasn’t a guess. ALL of them— even Liu Qingge— looked terrified.

Under the summer’s blazing sun, the trio was sweating and trembling with fear.

“A-Yuan, my parents will let you sleep over and stay at my place.” Liu Qingge kept pushing— he kept tugging painfully on Shen Yuan’s mind with insensitive words. "It'll be just like before when we were children!"

“I don’t want to go with YOU!”

Liu Qingge abruptly went quiet before a quiver could be heard through his words. “Is it because you’re afraid of us?”

The heat was unbearable. Shen Yuan couldn’t move.

He couldn't escape.

Liu Qingge continued to barrage Shen Yuan with his words no matter what. “Why are you afraid of us! We’re the ones who helped you! We’re the ones who saved you back then!”

But even as he said these things— even Luo Binghe could see how Liu Qingge’s hands were trembling with barely disguised terror.

What a hypocrite.

Luo Binghe hid around the corner with hands shaking in anger, listening to Liu Qingge worsen and worsen the situation.

After Shen Yuan finally managed to kick them out and the moment the two left, rounding the corner Luo Binghe was hiding behind—

Luo Binghe didn’t hesitate to send a powerful punch right into Liu Qingge’s nose.

—-----------------

Two days before Shen Yuan died, Shen Jiu had found Luo Binghe alone and dragged him into the same cafe as before. By now, Luo Binghe had basically given up on trying to work with them. But seeing as how Shen Jiu looked quite grave...

Upon seeing these troublesome guests again, all the waiting staff had already fled the scene.

“Are you really serious about this…?” Shen Jiu spoke through the increasingly agonizing heat. “Do… Do you really… Actually…”

Luo Binghe sat up straight and stared into Shen Jiu’s shifting eyes— forcefully tapping on the table in an attempt to make Shen Jiu focus. “I am serious.”

The air was boiling them alive. Shen Jiu could barely breathe.

Shen Jiu's hands itched and his feet trembled as if he wanted to run away.

Luo Binghe, on the other hand, was willing to endure no matter what.

“He’s tried to kill himself before.” His words painfully shook Shen Jiu out of his stupor. “This is the fourth time he’s tried doing it. This is the fourth time… And in two days, he’ll do it again.”

“Two days…” Shen Jiu could barely look at him. “Two days… Did you know— did you know that in two days it’ll be A-Yuan’s birthday?”

Shen Yuan’s… birthday?

His seventeenth birthday is in two days?

Shame flooded him because did Luo Binghe truly not know Shen Yuan’s birthday?

(Shen Yuan kills himself on his birthday…?)

(Luo Binghe tried to ignore how his stomach twisted with sickness.)

Shen Jiu spoke through gasps and breaths of sizzling air. “A-Yuan… I understand why he doesn’t really want me or Liu Qingge to help him. I nor Liu Qingge don't really want to be involved as well…”

“You don't want to help Shen Yuan?"

"I... I want to help him. I just don't want to see him again."

"..." Luo Binghe's eyes narrowed with barely suppressed hostility. "So why trust me to help Shen Yuan?”

“Because you’re separate from it all. It’s easy to trust you or rely on you because you’re a stranger. I’m sure A-Yuan feels the same.”

A "stranger"… Even after so many years together, did Shen Yuan really consider him as some outsider?

But, how couldn’t he? Before the first suicide, Luo Binghe was so cold and self-centered— never once paying attention to the little parasite by his side, never once realizing how important Shen Yuan was to his future.

Was Luo Binghe’s coldness— was this awful characteristic what attracted Shen Yuan to him in the first place?

“Shen Yuan won’t trust me or Liu Qingge because he’ll feel scared under our sight. Me and Liu Qingge feel the same way. That’s why we both moved away from each other— that’s why we haven’t contacted each other before you made us.”

Shen Jiu continued to choke out words through the steaming heat.

“I… It… happened when we were children. We were so young… We three used to be close. It was Shen Yuan's eighth birthday and we promised that we’d play together in our secret place in the forest. But when we got there, we saw him and his father… Me and Liu Qingge didn’t know what to do. I gave that brute a large rock and told him to throw it at A-Yuan’s father to stop him from hurting A-Yuan.”

No matter how much Shen Jiu tried to hide it, his hands wouldn't stop trembling with the memory. Luo Binghe didn't move to comfort him. “I really thought A-Yuan was going to die. We both did. Perhaps that was why Liu Qingge threw it so hard…"

"His father was quite a large man. It took a long time to pull his father's corpse off of A-Yuan. It took longer to hide the corpse. All three of us had to haul it away. All three of us had to dig the hole with our bare hands.”

“For some reason, maybe a week after we did it, A-Yuan wanted to see the corpse again. Maybe he felt guilty… Maybe he was worried someone had found it. Or perhaps he was paranoid that his father would come back to life. But we agreed to accompany A-Yuan to dig it up again.”

“But… But the sight of it… A corpse rotting in the heat wave sun for ten full days…”

“It stunk. It smelled so bad. Even now, I can’t forget how it smelled. I can never erase the sight of it from my mind.”

“Shen Yuan… He looks so much like his father, you know?”

“After the incident, whenever I saw Shen Yuan, I saw that rotting corpse of his father. Whenever I saw him, I could so clearly hear the maggots squirming and wetly eating his father’s face.”

“I couldn’t stand it. Neither I nor Liu Qingge could. We moved away from him so we could stop remembering such a thing.”

“Even now, whenever I see him, all I can smell is spoiled human flesh. All I can see is that sweltering and sweating corpse…”

“I think Shen Yuan can’t ignore how much he’s growing to look like his father.”

“I’m sure Shen Yuan hates that disgusting appearance more than me or Liu Qingge.”

“It must be impossible for him to see himself past the image of the rotting corpse in the forest.”

“But right before I moved away, A-Yuan told me— begged me— not to leave him alone to that awful fate... that he didn’t want to become like his father… He didn’t want to become a grown-up, rotting and decomposing disgustingly in the forest, hidden and forgotten forever.”

“He told me he didn’t want to grow up anymore.”

…

Right before he left, Shen Jiu finally looked into his eyes.

“The things I’ve said… These memories… Was it the answer you were looking for?”

Luo Binghe couldn’t tell.

He didn’t know at all.

—-------------

Luo Binghe didn’t tell Shen Yuan that he met up with Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge. And, after Shen Yuan had kicked those two out of the apartment, they never returned to bother him again.

The days passed peacefully just like the last timeline.

Luo Binghe cooked a FEAST for him every day— baking different desserts that, over the past five timelines, he had learned Shen Yuan loved.

This time, he even managed to PROPERLY and personally hand over the binder.

Nope! No more painful emotional outbursts for Shen Yuan!!!

(“Where… Who… How did you even figure it out?”)

(“Hmm, I've figured it out for a while now. For several lifetimes, actually, haha—”)

(“DON’T USE THAT JOKE ANYMORE!!! You’ve already said it so many times!! I’m sick of it! The next time you say it, I’ll REALLY send you into another lifetime!!!!”)

Despite the heat beating down on them— despite how neither of them could ignore it— Luo Binghe was able to keep Shen Yuan’s smile and happiness alive for even just a couple of days.

For this little time— Shen Yuan was happy.

(And in this lifetime, Luo Binghe once again stayed by his side— stared in awe at his love’s smile— laughed beside the happy future he was unwilling to let go.)

However, things couldn't last forever. By the time they had blissfully settled into this homely routine, it was already too late.

Ten days after time had reset, on his birthday whose date he never shared, Shen Yuan put his hand in Luo Binghe’s comfortable palm and begged his Binghe to accompany him back home.

“Binghe, I’m afraid.”

“If you’re afraid, then I’ll never let you be alone. The darkness isn’t so scary if someone is by your side, isn’t it? So don’t be so afraid, okay? Because I’ll always be there by your side to help you.”

(I won’t let you experience the grown-up future you despise all on your own.)

(I promise that I won’t allow you to become some forgotten and rotten corpse.)

…

Luo Binghe didn’t allow Shen Yuan to linger in the trash or the smell of his living room.

Holding his hand tightly and racing towards the attic— he didn’t allow Shen Yuan’s mother to comment on anything at all.

“How… Did you even know my room was in the attic?”

He gave Shen Yuan a large smile. “I knew it from a past life!”

“...” Shen Yuan looked frustrated— his eyebrows furrowed and lips scrunched up in such a cute way it seemed to lessen the overbearing scorching air of the attic.

Unlike last time, after entering his house, Shen Yuan’s hand never retreated from Luo Binghe’s safe palm even once.

Unlike last time, Luo Binghe's face wasn’t open with shock at the sight of Shen Yuan’s bedroom.

No, this time, he immediately reached into his backpack and brought out a sizable fan. Plugging it into a socket and placing heavy plastic bottles of ice in front of it, making the attic’s unbearable temperature a little more tolerable.

“...Did you bring a fan?? Why?”

“Hmm… I brought it here because I learned in a—”

“I’m not listening!” Shen Yuan began to loudly ignore him.

“He he…”

First directing the fan towards the profusely sweating Shen Yuan, Luo Binghe began walking around the bedroom— examining it without the filter of surprise and shock that tinted his vision the last time he was here.

Shen Yuan didn't have a mirror.

In fact, there weren’t any sort of reflective surfaces.

I’m sure Shen Yuan hates that disgusting appearance more than me or Liu Qingge.

It must be impossible for him to see himself past the image of the corpse in the forest.

“...”

“Hm?” Shen Yuan, noticing his silence, began to walk towards him. “Are you feeling okay? Is the heat getting to you?”

Looking at Shen Yuan, Luo Binghe couldn’t help but notice how red he was— how labored his breathing was in the unbearable stench and temperature of his filthy home.

“I’m alright… But are you doing okay with the heat? Ah, maybe I should’ve brought more ice bottles… Here, take one and put it against your face. It’ll feel much better.”

Shen Yuan accepted it and, upon rubbing his cheek against the moist coolness, breathed out a massive and happy sigh of relief.

Luo Binghe smiled contentedly at that sound.

…

Shen Yuan looked HORRIFIED.

“You’re staying the night???”

“Are you an idiot?” Luo Binghe flicked Shen Yuan’s forehead. “Of course, I’m sleeping over. Unless you want to go back to my place instead?”

“I— You— Are you even listening to yourself?? Are you BLIND?!?! Do you see how dirty this house is? Why do you want to sleep here!?”

“Ha! So what if the house is dirty? I’ve slept in worse places. Here, I’ve brought an extra pillow for myself—”

“Forget about the pillow!! Who cares if you’ve slept in worse places! Where you have or haven’t slept in doesn’t matter. What's important is that you don’t deserve to sleep in some dirty place like this!! There are cockroaches in the walls! There are rats! They’ll eat your expensive clothes if you aren’t careful…”

“Well then, I'll be careful. And if they still chew on my clothes then I don’t care. Your poor little Binghe is spoiled, you know? This Binghe can’t sleep without Shen Yuan… Do you want to subject your Binghe to a terrible sleepless night…?”

“You…!” Shen Yuan looked like he was about to cry.

“I can’t sleep without Shen Yuan. If you decide to leave this house, then I’ll leave with you. If you want to stay here, then I’ll also stay with you. I could sleep in the filthiest and most boiling hot place in the world as long as you are by my side. I won’t accept any other option.”

Luo Binghe couldn’t leave no matter what.

By now, Luo Binghe had mostly put the dots together. In each timeline, Shen Yuan will kill himself on his seventeenth birthday and go “missing” for the next couple of days. Although he doesn’t know exactly how Shen Yuan will end his own life, he knows that today is the day he will do it.

His seventeenth birthday…

It was another step closer to becoming a grown-up— a man, half devoured by maggots, burning, another stinky stench in the heat wave sun.

Rotting forever.

Disgusting.

I don’t want to become a selfish and violent and ugly grown-up.

“...” By now, Luo Binghe had noticed that Shen Yuan’s teary eyes weren’t filled with annoyed tears.

No.

They were tears of anger.

“Binghe… get out of my house…!”

Get out of your house and allow you to kill yourself?

Shen Yuan had said so himself— that he didn’t want to be that kind of violent and ugly adult.

A violent and ugly adult— a corpse in the forest…

A corpse…

If Shen Yuan didn’t want to become something like that, then Luo Binghe would never allow him to kill himself.

But… ten days really wasn’t enough. No matter how much time repeated, ten days wasn’t enough.

Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge had said it best— no matter how long they were friends, Luo Binghe was still a “stranger” to Shen Yuan's sorrow. And a stranger like him couldn’t do anything in such a short time.

But right now, even if he can’t convince Shen Yuan not to go through with it, all he can do is stick by Shen Yuan’s side and physically make sure he doesn’t die.

No matter what kind of heat bears down on him— whether that be the painfully intense heat wave sun or the unbearable temperature of the attic’s still and unmoving air…

He won’t allow Shen Yuan to go towards a future he hates without Luo Binghe.

The world of grown-ups is painful and cruel.

But in that grown-up future, things can still get better. If Luo Binghe worked hard enough, then Shen Yuan could perhaps still smile and be happy.

To end up as a corpse… dead and alone… rotting away— is to trap oneself in a life of stagnant unhappiness.

So don’t end your life in such an awful way.

Don’t ever deny yourself that chance of change and happiness.

—--------------

Throughout all their lifetimes together, Shen Yuan was never able to deny Luo Binghe. And so, reluctantly, he gave his Binghe permission to sleep over that night.

Hair shaken by the cool air blown around by Luo Binghe’s fan, they both managed to fall asleep together despite the boiling temperature.

…

Shouting woke Luo Binghe up.

Screaming made him jump out of bed.

Why was it so hot in here?

Luo Binghe couldn’t breathe.

A woman was screaming.

In the excruciating heat, Luo Binghe was barely able to walk.

It was intolerable— more so than usual.

Luo Binghe couldn’t breathe.

Still, sneaking down the ladder, Luo Binghe watched Shen Yuan and his mother argue from afar.

“How DARE you continue to dress up as a man! Why do you want to be ugly?”

Shen Yuan didn’t respond.

“Don’t you know what your father’s done to me??! Don’t you remember what he’s done to you!? Why do you want to be like that DISGUSTING man! Do you want to replace him! Do you want to HURT ME! I'LL SHOOT YOU!”

In the airless darkness, Luo Binghe couldn’t see Shen Yuan’s expression.

“Why do you want to be disgusting… Why don’t you want to be beautiful! You’re a girl! A beautiful daughter! You’re not a disgusting male! Don’t you want to stay a beautiful little girl forever? Isn’t the grown-up world so scary and ruthless and brutal? Why do you want to be an adult? How DARE you grow up and hurt your own mother! How could you look just like him!”

“Why do you want to be so disgusting… Why… Why?!”

The woman kept on screaming uncontrollably as if someone was hitting her.

Shen Yuan couldn’t move. He looked as if he was trapped by the heat.

Abruptly, his mother’s tears dried up and her voice stopped mid-scream.

Her body froze up like a corpse.

Then, she sat back down on the sofa— eyes glued back onto the screen as if nothing had happened at all.

She stared at the television as if nothing else existed.

She didn’t move a muscle.

The TV was so loud.

And yet, her words could still be heard clearly.

“You’re just like your father.”

Shen Yuan couldn’t breathe— Luo Binghe couldn’t see the rise and fall of his chest anymore.

Shen Yuan stood there in the searing living room, unmoving. He stood there like a corpse.

He looked like he was already dead.

The TV kept on blaring noise.

Luo Binghe tried to get his legs to move, but they just wouldn’t.

Move… Move.

MOVE!

But the air pushed down on him with immense heat.

He couldn’t move.

He couldn't breathe

Neither of them could escape the heat wave.

They couldn't tolerate it anymore.

…

It was Shen Yuan who moved first.

Shen Yuan walked around the sofa, unnoticed by his mother.

His mother didn’t notice as he reached into her discarded jacket.

She didn’t notice as Shen Yuan pulled out a pistol from her pocket.

Shen Yuan was holding a gun.

Shen Yuan was cocking it.

Shen Yuan pointed the pistol to the side of his head.

By the time Luo Binghe moved— by the time he could finally change anything— it was already too late.

Shen Yuan had pulled the trigger.

However, Luo Binghe was still quick.

He pushed Shen Yuan over— knocking him down.

In the panicked act, Shen Yuan’s right arm was moved aside.

The gun that once pointed at Shen Yuan’s head was now directed towards Luo Binghe.

The pistol fired.

—--------------------

Fifty marks.

That was what Shen Yuan got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

Where am I?

From above in a ghostly and unseeable form, Luo Binghe watched Shen Yuan pick up his test paper with an awkward grin.

Turning to the left, Shen Yuan then began to “oooh” and “aaah” at Luo Binghe’s test score.

“How do you even get that?! Ahhh, I wish I could get those grades. Binghe is really too smart…”

But the real Luo Binghe wasn’t there by Shen Yuan’s left. No, the real Luo Binghe was watching like a ghost— unable to speak or intervene or do anything.

He simply existed by Shen Yuan’s side like evaporated mist, surrounding each action and yet never seen.

Did… Did he die?

Below, the fake Luo Binghe had completely ignored Shen Yuan’s compliments— seemingly putting on an aura of untouchability and coolness and—

WHAT ARE YOU DOING????

From above, Luo Binghe stared at his doppelganger in HORROR.

PAY ATTENTION TO SHEN YUAN, YOU BASTARD!!!! HE’S COMPLIMENTING YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Nope. Nope! NOPE!

The Luo Binghe in this dream was a FAKE!!!!!

Watching the FAKE and HORRIBLE Luo Binghe ignore Shen Yuan’s smiles and not even look at him— oh GOD, Luo Binghe couldn’t take it anymore.

After four lifetimes and cycles of pampering Shen Yuan, seeing himself act so hateful and uncaringly was…

How awful… How TERRIBLE!

In the past, did I really act this way towards Shen Yuan???!

No wonder Shen Yuan considered him a “stranger”...

In this invisible form, Luo Binghe watched Shen Yuan live through the ten days before his first suicide.

No matter how much he tried to comfort him through actions or words, he was unable to do anything but watch as Shen Yuan’s lonely form marched through the boiling days alone.

Shen Yuan would go to school at the crack of dawn— escaping the stench of his house at the first convenience.

He’d shower and brush his teeth in the school bathrooms, his head turning around frantically— scared, perhaps, that someone would walk in and see this shameful act.

But nobody ever did.

Nobody ever noticed his pain.

The fake Luo Binghe certainly didn’t care. He didn't seem to notice anything when they both sat down in the classroom or when they ate lunch together or when he abandoned Shen Yuan the moment each school day ended—

Nobody ever cared about Shen Yuan as he walked alone in the heat wave.

His mother never once moved from the sofa.

The house never stopped stinking.

Shen Yuan would simply sit in his tiny attic room— without a window or opening for the boiling air to escape.

He waited for the heat to pass, staring at the wall as if his mind was melting away.

Shen Yuan, his life and happiness…

Shen Yuan was so alone and there was nothing Luo Binghe could do about it but try to shade him from the heat in his misty form.

Luo Binghe could do nothing.

No matter how much he shouted, he couldn’t protect Shen Yuan during the argument with his mother.

“You’re just like your father.”

Even as he pulled and pushed and tried to make Shen Yuan run away, Luo Binghe couldn’t stop him from grabbing his mother’s pistol.

And yet, for some reason, no matter how much he prayed to interfere in Shen Yuan’s life…

No matter what, his ghostly appearance only materialized the moment Shen Yuan pulled the trigger.

He only seemed to exist as he pushed Shen Yuan aside— blocking the bullet’s path with his own body.

In the end, he couldn’t change anything at all.

And yet, he could still stop the bullet from ending Shen Yuan’s life.

(I won’t let you die.)

The gun that once pointed at Shen Yuan’s head was now directed towards Luo Binghe.

The pistol fired.

—------------

The dream shifted. He was no longer some ghost floating around Shen Yuan. Luo Binghe now had a body still not evaporated by the temperature around them.

They were in a miserably sunny forest, blanketed by a summer heat more intense than Luo Binghe had ever felt.

Standing in front of him, hazy from the heat, was Shen Yuan.

Shen Yuan looked smaller than before— his hair was even longer. It was like a black coat, asphyxiating his smaller and more child-like body in the forest’s intolerable warmth.

“Why did you do that?” Shen Yuan’s kind and wonderful eyes were now narrow with rage. “Why did you block the bullet for me? I thought you didn’t care.”

“I’ve always cared. Even when I ignored you, deep down, I wanted nothing more than for you to be by my side.”

The sun’s rays were unbearable. Luo Binghe could barely breathe through the forest’s heat.

“If you really cared about me…” Shen Yuan’s eyes averted his, hiding behind his long black hair. “If you truly cared, then you’d let me die.”

“You told me that you didn’t want to become a horrible grown-up— one just like that corpse in the forest. So, I can’t let you die.”

“You’re stupid, Binghe. If you let me die as a child, then I’ll stay as a child forever. If I die like this, then I will never become some disgusting adult.”

“If you die as a child, you won’t remain a child forever. No, you’ll become dead— you’ll turn into a corpse. You won't be running away. Instead, you'll become even closer to that thing you hate.”

Shen Yuan’s mouth twitched. The edges of his lips crawled down into an unhappy frown so unlike his beautiful smile.

“I don't want to be convinced. Don’t try to stop me next time.”

—-----------------

Fifty marks.

That was what Shen Yuan got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

Below, Shen Yuan began looking around for something.

Looking around for someone.

But his search was immediately ended as the fake Luo Binghe grabbed his hand— racing out of the classroom and confessing his undying love to Shen Yuan behind the school campus.

STOP! STOP!!! STOP!!!!

Shen Yuan HATES direct confessions like this!!!! LUO BINGHE YOU STUPID IDIOT!!! Don’t do it!!!!

“They can’t hear you, you know?” A voice just like Shen Yuan’s sounded through the real Luo Binghe’s ears.

But when he looked around, there was nobody around but the faint filter of the heat’s distortion.

…

In this timeline, Shen Yuan kept every single card Luo Binghe hid— preciously putting them next to the framed picture of Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge, trying his best to protect them from the sunshine’s decay.

He spent hours in his overheated attic, rearranging the cards, rereading them, holding them so gently as if he was afraid his body heat would hurt them.

Shen Yuan would sob if he saw a cockroach on one of them.

His hands would shiver whenever he accidentally creased one incorrectly.

Shen Yuan, with boxes of Luo Binghe’s homemade meals, would eat on the highest ledge in his room— ravenously devouring each and every morsel of food, afraid that the rats would eat it before him.

He appeared terrified that the boiling oven-like heat of the attic would rot away his Binghe's love.

…

That evening, his birthday, ten days after time reset…

Shen Yuan was unable to move. He was unable to walk out of the classroom.

It was too hot.

He couldn’t move his legs.

He couldn’t make himself go home.

He was afraid of what would happen if he went back home.

That evening in the orange sun-glazed classroom, Shen Yuan was terrified of ending his own life…

“I wasn’t scared.” The invisible voice once again spoke to Luo Binghe. “I wasn’t afraid… I knew what I wanted.”

But you told me that you didn’t want to starve.

You didn’t want it to hurt anymore. You wanted to eat.

“...”

…

That night after the fake Luo Binghe had comforted him in the evening heat, Shen Yuan managed to walk back home.

That night, he got into an argument with his mother.

“You’re just like your father.”

Just like last time, Luo Binghe was unable to move.

Once again, no matter how much he screamed or begged or tried to alter anything...

He wasn’t allowed to appear until Shen Yuan had already pulled the trigger.

In the end, he couldn’t change anything at all.

And yet, he could still stop the bullet from ending Shen Yuan’s life.

The gun that once pointed at Shen Yuan’s head was now directed towards Luo Binghe.

The pistol fired.

—------------------------

“Are you stupid?”

Shen Yuan was speaking to him again.

They both sweated uncontrollably under the damp forest’s heat.

“Binghe, you must really be an idiot. You’re always sacrificing yourself to try and figure out the correct answer… But there isn’t an answer.”

“...” Luo Binghe rubbed the heat from his eyes.

“Binghe, are you listening? There is no correct answer! You should just leave me behind. There’s no reason for you to linger behind. There’s no reason for you to stay behind with me.”

“You’re wrong. Even if there’s no solution, I won’t ever leave you. I won’t let you face such a scary thing alone anymore.”

“A scary thing?” Under the intense and blaring sun, Shen Yuan looked angry. “Death isn’t scary. It’s an escape. It’s something I want.”

“You’re wrong. You just don’t want to grow up. You never wanted to die.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?”

“You hate that ugly corpse in the forest, and yet you try to kill yourself each timeline… You don't want to end up dead like that, and yet you end your own life!”

“So WHAT!” Shen Yuan grabbed Luo Binghe’s collar with rage. “I don’t want to see that guy’s half-rotted face whenever I look at myself, alright?!? Is that a good enough excuse for you? Will you finally stop interfering in something you have no say in!?”

“If you don’t want to see that corpse’s face, then I won’t let you! I'll help you hide it! I'll help you change into someone better!”

Shen Yuan’s tears weren’t of happiness or sadness.

No.

They were tears of frustration and rage.

“I don’t want to live. I don’t want to see that grown-up future!”

“But what if things change? What if things get better?!”

“But…” Shen Yuan was sobbing now. “What if they don’t?”

—---------------

Fifty marks.

That was what Shen Yuan got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

Why… Why is it that I can’t find the right solution to save your life?

Am I really that useless?

“No, you aren’t useless.” The Shen Yuan from the forest now sat beside him, watching the timelines go by— helplessly unable to kill himself and yet somehow unwilling to physically stop Luo Binghe from attempting to save him. “You aren’t useless. You’re smart and good. You are just putting your energy into the wrong thing.”

Together, they watched as their fake and past selves skipped school and had fun together despite the blazing summer sun.

Below them, they were smiling.

They were happy.

“I’m not wasting my energy. I’m putting my energy into exactly the right thing.”

“By what? Uselessly living the same ten days over and over again? You’ll fail each time! You won’t succeed.”

Shen Yuan scooched over a little closer to Luo Binghe.

“You’re too late, Binghe. There’s nothing you could’ve done to save me. You should just let me die.”

Luo Binghe sat down next to Shen Yuan, allowing the smaller boy’s hand to slip into his own.

“Binghe, there’s no point waiting for me anymore. You should just give up and move on.”

Shen Yuan watched with unaverted eyes as the images and memories below them happily played on— looking with love and awe at Luo Binghe’s large and cocky smile— sighing with contentment as it seemed to overcome the boiling sun with a more relaxing kind of coolness.

Luo Binghe couldn’t take his eyes off of the Shen Yuan right next to him. He couldn't stop staring at his enjoyment as he watched the memories below.

Even like this, Shen Yuan's happiness was stunning.

Luo Binghe couldn't dare let it go.

“I don’t care if I'm too late. I’ll stay with you no matter what. I’ll save you every time if it means I can be by your side.”

“But, if you stay with me, then you’ll never be able to experience the future. All the things you’ve planned— your future plan for wealth and success— it’ll all turn into pointless effort if you follow me!”

Shen Yuan's words were filled with rage and anger. He was waiting for Luo Binghe to come to his senses and let go of him. And yet, his fingers trembled in Luo Binghe’s grip as if he was afraid his Binghe would let go.

“That kind of future doesn’t matter to me if your happiness and smile aren’t there.”

“...”

Shen Yuan watched with a huff as Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge tried to drag Shen Yuan out of the apartment. Luo Binghe replicated that annoyed sigh, even blowing a raspberry at Liu Qingge as he rounded the corner— ready to be punched in the face by a hidden fake Luo Binghe.

“Binghe, you’re awful. You know… If you want a future like that, then you’ll never be able to experience it.”

“That’s okay. But I’ll try so anyway. A future where you’re happy with yourself… A future where you can smile brightly even as a grown-up…”

Binghe squeezed Shen Yuan’s hand tightly, protecting it from the heat raining down on them painfully like hail.

“A grown-up Shen Yuan who can smile at himself in the mirror— I’ll fight for that no matter how long it takes.”

…

He wasn’t allowed to appear until Shen Yuan had already pulled the trigger.

In the end, he couldn’t change anything at all.

And yet, he could still stop the bullet from ending Shen Yuan’s life.

The gun that once pointed at Shen Yuan’s head was now directed toward Luo Binghe.

The pistol fired.

But even in this death, Luo Binghe was still holding onto Shen Yuan’s hand.

(And, somehow, Shen Yuan couldn’t let go.)

—-------------------------

They were in the forest again.

The horrible heat wave sun had never once set.

“Binghe… Are you tired of this yet?”

Luo Binghe shook his head.

“Aren’t you sick of me already?”

Once again, he shook his head.

“You haven’t changed anything… I still want to die… You should just give up. You were really too late to change anything. No matter how many days you repeat, it’ll all just end the same way.”

But still, Shen Yuan couldn’t let go of Luo Binghe either— their fingers intertwining, never daring to let go.

“There is no correct answer.”

Shen Yuan began to kneel into himself as if in pain.

“No matter what, I’ll still want to die.”

His hair began to fall forward, hiding his expression and covering him— overwhelming his small stature.

“No matter how much you change things, I’ll still hate how I look in the mirror. I'll hate it so much that I want to kill myself.”

Luo Binghe knelt down alongside Shen Yuan.

“That’s still okay. Even if you never change, I will stay by your side, helping you reach the future you truly desire.”

He tucked Shen Yuan’s long hair behind his ear.

“A kind and wonderful person like Shen Yuan doesn’t deserve to be hidden away by death. Your smile deserves to shine brighter than the heat.”

“To me, your happiness is worth waiting for.”

—-------------------------

Fifty marks.

That was what Shen Yuan got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

The pair watched the fake Luo Binghe fail.

In the end, he couldn’t change anything at all.

And yet, he could still stop the bullet from ending Shen Yuan’s life.

The gun that once pointed at Shen Yuan’s head was now directed toward Luo Binghe.

The pistol fired.

—-------------------------

Again, they would stand face to face in that intolerable forest.

Again, Shen Yuan would reaffirm how pointless it was to change the present.

Again, Luo Binghe would shake his head.

"Even if it's pointless, I'll stay by your side."

—-------------------------

Fifty marks.

That was what Shen Yuan got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

Once again, Luo Binghe would interrupt his suicide attempt.

Once again, Shen Yuan was unable to die.

—-------------------------

A decade passed like this.

Ten years went by in this dream as they watched the fake Luo Binghe fail to save the fake Shen Yuan over and over again.

The heat wave had lasted for ten years.

Luo Binghe had a pistol fired at him every ten days.

Time had reset over and over and over and over and—

“I’m sick of this.” Shen Yuan’s hand was still interlocked with Luo Binghe’s. “I’m sick of all this. I’m tired of this. Just let me die.”

The forest's heat buzzed loudly in the summer's sun.

Luo Binghe answered how he always had.

“I won’t let you die. I’ll do anything in my power to help you change the future, so just don’t die, okay?”

Then, Shen Yuan whispered something Luo Binghe, in the ten years he existed alongside him, had never once heard.

“Binghe, if you’re that smart… If you’re that great…”

He smiled at his Binghe. He smiled so beautifully that it hurt.

“Binghe, I’ve always hated the heat. I hate sweating— I hate the pain of the sun.”

Shen Yuan’s smile… It was so dazzling.

“If you’re so wonderful, Binghe, then can you stop the heat wave?”

Shen Yuan squeezed his hand.

“Can you bring winter instead?”

Winter…?

Winter?

Suddenly, Luo Binghe stood up. Holding Shen Yuan’s willing hand, he began leading the charge— running out of the forest they had found themselves in for the past ten years.

“Binghe!” Shen Yuan could barely keep up with his speed. “Where are you going!!! Slow down! I can’t keep up!”

All this time, Luo Binghe hadn’t imagined a future beyond this unbearable summer heat.

All this time, Luo Binghe couldn’t imagine a Shen Yuan that wasn’t drenched with sweat.

Winter…

Yes, wouldn’t it be good if winter could arrive?

Wouldn’t it be GREAT if they could get out of this AWFUL forest?!

The moment Shen Yuan’s foot breached the threshold of the trees— breaking through with such speed that he couldn’t slow down—

The dream had once again changed.

—--------------------------

Shen Yuan was a child.

He was still seven years old.

“OWW!” Shen Jiu looked so angry he was about to cry. “You’re too strong! You’re hurting me!”

Liu Qingge threw a handful of dirt back at him again, watching in glee as a worm landed on Shen Jiu’s screaming face. “It’s not MY fault you’re so weak! Right, A-Yuan!?”

“Yeah! Qingge is so much stronger than Jiu-ge! Qingge will TOTALLY be my prince!”

“HEY!” Shen Jiu was really crying now. “I thought you said I was your prince!”

“Bleh!” A-Yuan blew a raspberry at him. “TOOO bad! You’re too late! I’ve now chosen Qingge!”

The waterworks began to overwhelm Shen Jiu as he stomped his feet around in the forest dirt, kicking up a storm.

He was only seven years old…

There was a heat wave going on right now, but none of the children even knew what that word meant. Instead, they simply complained about the rising heat making their shirts stick to their backs and how their little tiny socks became drenched with smelly sweat.

A-Yuan would even pull off his little shoes and swing around his sweat-drenched pink socks— chasing the other two around their little secret spot in the forest.

They playfully screamed at the sun in an attempt to make it stop being so hot.

As children, the heat was horrible. But, by the end of the day, the temperature was something they barely cared about.

The three children looked up at the setting sun.

“Jiu-ge… Qingge… I don’t want to go home…”

“Hah?” Liu Qingge pouted cutely. “But it’ll be your birthday tomorrow! Aren’t you going to have a pre-birthday dinner first?”

A-Yuan was scared.

A-Yuan was only seven years old, only a day until he became eight, and yet he looked terrified...

Who knew children could be so frightened?

Shen Jiu’s eyes shifted around nervously. “You should go home, A-Yuan… I don’t think my parents will allow you to stay with them for another night… But! But we’ll play again tomorrow, alright?!”

He held A-Yuan’s hands tightly.

“We’ll see you again tomorrow! So don’t be so sad! We’ll meet again right here! In our secret place in the forest, okay!?”

But no matter how A-Yuan nodded with agreement, A-Yuan didn’t dare let go of Shen Jiu’s hands.

He didn’t want them to leave.

I don’t want to be abandoned…!

Please! Qingge! Jiu-ge!

I’m scared!

Don’t leave me alone!

A-Yuan was crying silent tears.

Still, Shen Jiu peeled his hand from A-Yuan’s grabby ones.

They were children. They didn’t know what to do.

…

A-Yuan never liked his home.

It was too dirty! And he hated it when he pulled his blankets back to see rats eating his pillow!

(It smelt too much like his father.)

“I’m… I’m home…!”

“A-Yuan! You’re back!” His father’s heavy and large body could be heard trudging through the house— so big and heavy that his footsteps overpowered the annoying television that kept him awake at night.

But when his father stopped to examine him, an even more horrible sound descended upon the house.

It was his father’s silence— a thin blanket that covered up rage boiling beneath the surface.

“A-Yuan," his father spoke slowly and deliberately. "You’re going to be a big girl tomorrow.”

A-Yuan nodded his head. He didn’t dare look into his father’s eyes— afraid of the reflection of himself that would shine back.

“You’ll be eight years old tomorrow. You’ll be a big girl… You can’t play around with boy clothes anymore.”

If A-Yuan was older, he definitely would not have fought back.

But he was so only seven years old.

How could he hold himself back from arguing against his father?

“You don’t want to be my daughter? Don’t you want to grow up and wear girly clothes? I'll disown you. I'll throw you away, you know? You can’t celebrate your birthday tomorrow if you don’t want to be my child.”

A-Yuan didn’t want to stop fighting. He didn’t want to be a girl!

“A-Yuan, my daughter…” His father gripped his hand so tightly that his little bones began to twist and fracture.

His mother sat on the sofa, watching the TV.

The volume was all the way up. She couldn’t hear him.

She didn’t want to hear him.

She stared at the television too terrified to breathe in case her husband might turn his attention onto her.

(She clutched the illegal pistol in her pocket— ready to fire it the moment her husband decided to hit her instead of A-Yuan.)

A-Yuan was alone.

He was alone as he fought and bit his father’s grip around him.

A-Yuan had nobody beside him when his father hit his chest— a place where no one would check for bruises.

A-Yuan had to fight all by himself when his father ripped his clothes off him, throwing him into the old car and locking the door behind him.

I’m so hot…

The car door wouldn’t open.

Help! It’s so hot! I can’t breathe!

The car stank. It stank of smoke and things A-Yuan was unable to name.

Even when the sun had set, the heat never went away.

In the car, the air was still. Nothing could escape. Nothing could get in.

A-Yuan breathed in the same air over and over again, choking on it.

He wanted to run away.

He wanted to stop the heat.

He wanted to die.

But the night went on, unchanging.

Even a decade into the future, the heat never ended.

A-Yuan could only hear the sound of his heart beating out of control in his ears.

He could feel the scorch of the stale air in his lungs as it went in and out and in and out.

Again.

And again.

And again.

The boiling night continued on forever.

He didn’t want to breathe anymore.

He banged on the windows.

Someone! Please! Save me!

But nobody ever came.

It was too late.

His father had already locked the door.

It was too late.

Night had already descended, covering and hiding away the crimes of the past.

It was too late…

A-Yuan was alone in the heat and it was too late.

All he could do was lie down and pray to die.

…

Even when his father dragged him out early the next day, A-Yuan never felt like he had escaped.

It’s so hot…

I can’t breathe.

Yanking his naked body over the boiling asphalt, melting away the soles of his feet, A-Yuan still felt like he was trapped in that car.

Someone, please save me…

It’s so painful… I can’t move…

When they reached a clearing in the forest, his father threw him down onto the roasting grass, dry and sharp from being torched by the sun.

A-Yuan couldn’t think properly.

He didn't understand what was going on any longer.

I’m about to die…

It’s so hot… I can’t see anything…

I’m really going to die—

But before his father touched him more, a crack rang out loudly through the air and, suddenly, his father’s body went limp with death— falling heavily upon his tiny body.

Liu Qingge had thrown a massive stone and it hit the back of his father's head perfectly.

Wetness soaked into his naked skin.

That wet feeling was so warm it began searing his skin.

The wetness was so red that it surely stained him.

He couldn’t move.

He was trapped under his father’s corpse.

It felt like being in an oven.

Get it off me!

I can’t breathe!

Under so many kilograms of adult fat, Shen Yuan was roasted alive in the summer heat.

He was being boiled alive in the blood of his father.

It took so long for Liu Qingge to lug the massive corpse off of him that Shen Yuan had forgotten how to breathe.

(Even now, he still hasn’t remembered how to breathe in the heat.)

“A-Yuan…” Shen Jiu tried to comfort him. But he seemed afraid to touch his little naked body. “Can you help us move it? It’s too heavy…”

Heat still clouding his mind, A-Yuan didn’t know how to refuse.

Tugging on lumps of fat, A-Yuan helped his friends move his father’s corpse to a patch of soft dirt.

With blood-soaked knees buried deep in the dirt, A-Yuan helped his friends dig a hole big enough for his father to hide in.

His hands were so small. They could barely lift up any dirt.

It took so long to finally carve a space into the ground.

He was naked for so long in the sizzling heat wave air that the blood drenching his skin turned into itchy rashes.

It hurt.

He couldn't wash that sweltering blood from his skin.

Even days later, it didn’t stop being painful.

It felt so horrible being trapped in that sweltering car for even a single night… What would it feel like to be covered in dirt for days in this heat?

Did he feel guilty?

He didn’t know. But he didn’t want his father to stay trapped in that static and unchanging heat anymore.

No matter what, he didn’t want anyone to suffer that same unbearable stillness.

Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge seemed reluctant to go. But upon seeing the look on A-Yuan’s face, they agreed.

...

It didn’t take long to dig up the body.

They were so small that the hole was barely big enough to fit his father’s corpse— it wasn’t even properly covered by dirt.

There were so many maggots. They kept on squirming. They kept on making sounds.

He could see it. He could see it all.

Half-eaten flesh browned from the sun. He could almost taste the smell of it. He could taste his father's flesh.

The maggots wouldn’t stop.

It stank so much.

It stank like the car.

It stank like home.

It stank like himself.

Liu Qingge had thrown up behind him. Shen Jiu couldn’t stop staring at the inside of his father’s skull— at the bits of squishy brain being chewed apart.

But even after those two ran away, A-Yuan couldn’t take his eyes off the corpse.

He couldn’t stop staring at the face that resembled his own.

He couldn’t look away from the rotting penis, still half-mast and green, greedily sucked on by the maggots.

A-Yuan was only eight.

A-Yuan didn’t know how to look away—

Suddenly, a tall and handsome man came charging through the line of trees with unbelievable speed— so quick that his attempts to break and stop himself only resulted in him tumbling forward, landing on his face with a massive bang.

Who… Who is that—

“SHEN YUAN?!?!? WHERE DID YOU GO!!!!!?”

The handsome man looked behind him, his head darting around like crazy until it eventually fell upon A-Yuan’s small form with a look of absolute SHOCK.

“Shen— You— Shen Yuan??”

A-Yuan didn’t know whether to nod or shake his head.

Who was this weird grown-up???

“You’re… You’ve become so small!”

“...” A-Yuan’s face scrunched up with outrage! “You’re the small one!”

“Ahh… Yes, your Binghe is very small... Anyway, why did you let go of my hand? Hmm, maybe I was running too quickly… Sorry! I should’ve slowed down a little! I just wanted us to get out of this horrible heat…”

The handsome man’s eyes averted away from A-Yuan and down to the maggot-infested corpse next to him. “I…”

Before A-Yuan could follow his gaze to once again obsessively stare at the decaying body— ready to commit it again to memory—

“Put me down!!!” A-Yuan found it so unbelievably EMBARRASSING to be carried like this.

But even while sprinting ahead at full speed, the pretty man wouldn’t let the squirming child jump out of his bridal carry.

The handsome man… His arms were so nice and cool. They held him so comfortably that Shen Yuan was unable to make himself let go.

He held him so carefully and lovingly that little A-Yuan, barely eight years old, felt boiling tears crawl down his face.

“I hate it… I don’t want to grow up!”

Shen Yuan buried his snotty face into the man’s broad shoulder.

“I don’t want to be a grown-up like him! I don’t want to hurt people! I don’t want to die in such a horrible way!”

"I'm scared!"

The eight-year-old’s body began to morph in Luo Binghe’s arms— uncontrollably, Shen Yuan began to grow older and larger.

But Luo Binghe didn’t let go.

He didn’t leave Shen Yuan behind.

He wouldn’t let Shen Yuan suffer alone anymore.

“Binghe!” His body couldn’t stop shaking with the weight of it all. “Binghe! There’s no right answer! Whenever I look at myself, I can’t stop seeing my father’s corpse! I’m so disgusted by myself! I want nothing more than to die! I don’t deserve to live if I become that kind of awful grown-up!”

“There’s no correct solution!” Shen Yuan couldn’t stop himself from sobbing so loudly. “I tried! I tried so hard to find one! But there just isn’t one! Binghe! There isn’t one…! I can't change the present... I can't change the past... I can't alter anything at all!”

Holding him tightly, Luo Binghe ran through the forest so quickly that the wind brushed through their hair— fanning them and making the unbearable heat seemingly disappear.

Only when in motion, only as he ran towards the future with Shen Yuan in tow, did the temperature abide.

Luo Binghe let Shen Yuan cry.

He let him cling to his chest like a little kid even as Shen Yuan’s body began to grow more— reverting back to his teenage form, a boy just turned seventeen years old.

He was a boy about to become a grown-up… He was going to turn disgusting and violent and horrible!

And yet, when Luo Binghe looked down at him—

When Luo Binghe flashed him a full-toothed smile so dazzling it left Shen Yuan’s legs unbelievably light and weak with feeling— making his face go red and a comfortable coolness spread throughout his chest…

Luo Binghe’s smile!!

It was too powerful!!!!

It was so beautiful that when Shen Yuan looked at it, he couldn’t help but believe in Binghe's happiness.

He couldn't help but desire it too.

“So what!” Luo Binghe didn’t stop running. He didn’t stop chasing for an exit to this dream forest. “There isn’t an answer… There isn’t some magical solution to fix the past… or change the present! But who CARES!”

“I care!” Shen Yuan began to hit Binghe’s chest and cover up his stupid (pretty) smile when he laughed back. “I care about it! I want to fix the past! I don't want to live in this horrible present! I don’t want to look like that horrible man!”

“But no matter what, you can’t change it. Even when we’ve repeated the same ten days over and over again for a decade, nothing changed.”

“Both of us were too late to change anything… So it’s useless to be stuck in the past, right? It's meaningless to compare yourself to your father because you'll ignore how you're different!”

He smiled so beautifully at him again. “You’re not like your father! You’re just like Shen Yuan!”

“Shen Yuan is so wonderful and kind and pretty— he never hesitates to help another person in need even when he’s SUPER angry! He’s unwilling to try out new clothes or experiences… and yet he will accompany others to help them through scary situations!”

“Shen Yuan is the person who stayed by my side all these years no matter how cold or cruel I was. How can I possibly believe that you’re an awful person?”

“How can I possibly believe you’re disgusting?”

“The future is scary and awful— you may grow to look even more like your father in ten or twenty years… But! It was only through growing and living that you’ve become so much kinder than your father!”

“There is no correct solution. There is no way to fix the past. But we can still change the future!”

“So don’t look back at that corpse anymore!”

“There are so many wonderful things in the world if you stop looking at the past! After all… You’ve met me, right? Imagine how many more great and wonderful things you'll see in the future!”

“And if you can’t walk towards the future… If you’re too weak to run— then I’ll be here to carry you to it!”

“No matter what, I’ll make sure you can arrive at the happy future you deserve.”

"You won't be alone and frightened anymore because I'll be here to comfort you."

"You don't need to be scared of the future anymore."

Shen Yuan couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t stop clinging to Binghe’s words no matter what.

He couldn’t stop believing in Binghe’s smile— in Binghe’s happiness.

“Don’t leave me, Binghe!”

“I won’t! Even if ten years pass… no, even if a HUNDRED years go by in stasis, I won’t let go of your hand!”

“Don’t let go of me, Binghe!”

“I won’t!”

“Promise you’ll always be here with me when I'm scared, Binghe…!”

“I’m here! I’ll always be here no matter what!”

“Binghe…!”

“I’m here, Shen Yuan.”

“Binghe…”

“Don’t worry, Shen Yuan.”

His Binghe gently cradled Shen Yuan’s bawling form. As an adult, Shen Yuan was larger, but even if Luo Binghe fell under his weight, he would never let him go.

“I know that the future is scary. The future may bring unhappy things as well… But I won’t let you go through it alone.”

“So don’t be afraid to grow up anymore.”

—--------------------

Full marks.

That was what Luo Binghe got on his most recent test and also the one before that and the one before that and—

No?? What the hell. He wasn't even in a classroom right now.

He had been sleeping in the hospital for AT LEAST a couple of months because of his gunshot wound— only having woken up a couple of moments ago.

Okay, “sleeping” wasn’t the best word to describe a medically induced coma…

The hospital bed was cold.

It felt like over a decade since such coolness flooded through his body— shaking his bones and making his skin prickle with—

Actually, it was REALLY cold…

Looking outside, Luo Binghe watched the snow fall gently down to the earth.

It was the first snow in over two decades…

Perhaps this winter will be unbearably cold— filled with awful snow storms and snow-ins.

Or maybe it will be the most beautiful thing in the world.

However, it didn’t matter how the future winter would change. Because his right hand will always be so wonderfully warm.

Clutching his hand tightly was Shen Yuan, asleep against Luo Binghe’s hospital bed and wrapped up in a thick winter coat. He was tucked into the massive jacket so wonderfully and comfortably that a little bit of drool began to drip from the corner of his lips…

…

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!

Shen Yuan’s expressions are too dazzling!!!

How could he be so cute while sleeping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOO! POWERFUL!!!

In his Shen-Yuan-fueled stupor, he squeezed his hand tightly— shaking it around with the ENERGY of Shen Yuan’s cute sleepiness. It inevitably woke the smaller man up.

“Sleepy… Don’t move around so… much…”

"..."

Suddenly, Shen Yuan’s eyes darted open and stared right at Luo Binghe.

His mouth dropped open in shock, letting that little dribble of drool roll down to his chin.

Luo Binghe rubbed it away before Shen Yuan abruptly grabbed both of his hands— holding him tightly and never even thinking about letting go.

“You— I— You’re so….!”

Then, Shen Yuan wailed so loudly— thunderous tears rolling down his face.

Luo Binghe tried to reach forward to soothe him, but Shen Yuan had already jumped forward into his comforting arms.

“You’re such an idiot!!!!” Shen Yuan rubbed his snot into Binghe’s hospital gown in revenge. “You’re so awful! How could the awesome and smart and handsome Luo Binghe be such a loser!!!!!”

“A loser???” Binghe’s voice was so hoarse from disuse. “How DARE you call this protagonist a loser!”

“You’re a loser! You’re a cooking nerd! You’re a REGULAR NERD who studies too much!!! Your only redeeming factor is your good looks!!!!”

Luo Binghe was stunned.

He was utterly speechless.

“Binghe! How could you let yourself suffer like that all for my sake…”

His Binghe patted his back softly, shielding him from the freezing cold. “Hmph… You’re the loser! How can I possibly let you suffer alone?”

Rubbing his tears into Luo Binghe's messy hair, Shen Yuan leaned forward more into the bed— holding his Binghe's face tightly and making him look directly into his eyes.

“I won’t let you go back on your promise, Binghe.”

“I would never let you!"

“I won’t let go of you, Binghe.”

“I won’t let go of you either, Shen Yuan!”

“You BETTER NOT!" Shen Yuan began shaking Luo Binghe's head around. "Even if you go off and marry some super hot woman, I won’t let you leave me behind! I’ll live in your stupid expensive mansion and bother you EVERY SINGLE DAY! If you try to forget about me then I’ll hide under your bed and leave cryptic clues around your house!”

“???”

“Are you listening?!? Even if you kill me to get rid of me, I’ll be reborn as a ghost and haunt you for the rest of your lives!”

“What the hell??? Shen Yuan! You’re thinking too much!?”

Looking up at Binghe’s utterly dumbfounded expression— Shen Yuan couldn’t help but drop his act and laugh at it.

The sound of his laughter— the musicality of his happiness…

Luo Binghe smiled alongside that happiness.

Forever.