Chapter Text

"DID I RAISE MY HAND ON YOU, RECRUIT?"

"YOU FUCKING SMACKED ME!"

"TELL ME, WHEN DID I DO IT?"

"YOU'RE A PSYCHO! BITCH JUST LIKE FROM THE MOVIES!"

"RECRUIT, WERE YOU EXAMINED CAREFULLY? YOU MIGHT HEAR AND SEE THINGS THAT AREN'T THERE."

"FUCK... FUCK I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!"

"THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY PLATOON?"

"RAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!"

S C R U N C H

Hey.

It's me. Nicole.

That bitch getting sucker punched.

You might remember me.

Mommy's a pill addict, daddy blew his head off and left a note saying it's all my fault, never made a healthy connection with peers, sociopath, bully, moving every year, below the poverty line...

Yada yada yada!

We went over this shit twice already!

Go read the other ones if you hadn't!

...

sigh

I guess I kinda deserved that one.

Yeah, crazy thing for me to say, I know.

Have I finally grew up?

Did I turn humble?

Am I a good person now?

Fuck no, loser!

I'm still pretty as shit! I'd run you down to the ground for shits and giggles if we ever met!

...

But.

I'm sure getting tempered.

Seriously, calling your Drill Instructor a jap whore? And then shoving her? That shit ain't gonna fly. Not trying that again.

Oh yeah, highschool's over and life changed a whole lot if you hadn't noticed already. After I'll get over that concussion and a dislocated jaw, I'm gonna become a Marine.

US of motherfuckin' A, baby.

A mass produced killing machine for shooting Afghani kids to keep gas prices low so Obama can get reelected or something.

By the way, this is the "me" that got-

...

Okay! Fuck! Hold up!

We gotta slow down cause this shit is getting convoluted.

Let's go back to the beginning.

The graduation of '09.

• • •

"Hey kids, wanna go die in a war?"

Chapter Text

???: "Hey kids, wanna go die in a war?"

That made as much sense in context as it did without any. I was alone with Jecka in an empty classroom, everything cleaned and chairs upside down on their desks for the summer. Bumped into her on the hallway right as I was about to drop off textbooks and see Lynn packing her stuff after being fired.

What?

Yeah it happened! Interquel retcon, bitch! You expect me to talk about every bit of trivia of my life? Creep!

I literally skip whole months between the stories cause it's all just dodging classes, brooding, and snorting shit! Go do drugs in your own school if you want the whole package!

...

So, this was about to be my last conversation with her. Like, fuck, I didn't expect to exchange ANY words with ANYONE after that graduation laughing stock.

Nicole: "... what?"

Jecka: "You're hitting on us?"

I never considered her anything more than a below-average-annoying ho to do stupid shit with while skipping classes.

Or to double our verbal abuse firepower on nerd losers.

Or when sticking together to lessen the chance of sexual assault became a priority because half of the school staff were predators.

All in all, doing that for two years straight? It had to grow on me.

Messed up couple of troublemakers, but the closest thing I ever had to a connection with another human being.

And I was about to send it off on a good note too. To form a one permanent good memory from that school, one that would bring a tear to my eye in my last moments, as my brain shuts down from OD.

And of course we had to get interrupted by a wrinkly dickface in a green-puke camo! Walking on us like on some couple of crypto-exhibitionists! I can't lock that door asshole! I don't have a key!

??? "Ahahaha~ No. Sergeant Daniel Bennet, United States Marine Corps."

J: "Yeah, sounds like an average army grunt."

Daniel: "Marines are n...

... heh, well it's something you might be able to learn about quite soon."

N: "Why would I? And when was the last time you felt a touch of a woman?"

D: "Oh honey! After the Iraq deployment I was randy for anything that moved, breathed, or neither."

And he wasn't even serious with us! Fuck, this is what happens when you care about something for once!

Telling you ahead of time that he's a recruiter, I don't think that's how you build up PR or clients. Cause isn't that who they are, salesmen?

J: "Dude get the fuck out or I'll sue for pe... shit, uhh, isn't harassing 18 year old girls bad too?"

Selling you a military contract? That lets them ship you to the Middle East? And very likely to get you killed by some fanatic Arab screaming how Allah is great?

D: "Buuuuut my wife and strippers blow like a vacuum so I'm good now.

Seriously though, want to join the Marine Corps? We got college, housing, and a medical plan."

N: "Why are you even looking in here? Don't you have frat boys to pester?"

Or have you kill yourself after enough shower rape? Make you eat a gun barrel?

Like my dad?

D: "Already sorted them out. Even gave a chance to that scrawny jap comic fanboy. Couldn't make a single pull-up on the bar."

N: "Wind would topple that twig while he's standing for attention."

J: "Oh, just imaaagine seeing that fag in a uniform! Bwahaha!"

D: "I usually don't bother but we take in skirts too. Democrat push for female empowerment and all."

J: "Empowerment through what? Getting gang raped by a bunch of unwashed pigs? Eugh, no thanks!"

D: "Barrack bunnies have it easy, trust me. Blow your NCO once and you're set for life, or fuck a homeless dude for a hit of dope. The choice is yours."

J: "Hey watch your mouth, I'll... fuck, pedophlia again! Seriously, I need more tricks in the book to survive the streets now."

D: "I could teach you all of them and I honestly mean it non-sexually. You'd make a good recruiter yourself with those blondie looks. I can cover the jocks, broken home boys, Call of Duty gamers...

But horndog virgins?

Promise them all that pussy they'll get from 'manning up' and you'll get a whole platoon at your feet!"

That one was inviting at the very least. I already do it for kicks, but for a living? With government support? That's better than that time I was selling crack!

J: "I mean, I'm already manipulating losers my whole life, and you make it sound not that bad... But I like the freedom of choice of my victims. No one's gonna tell me who to wrap around my finger! Buzz off!"

N: "Want me to bayonet toddlers to make some Wallstreet geezer happy? I'll make more safe cash by hairdressing your hag."

D: "No hard feelings honey. Honestly, you're substandard anyway. Chicks are already failing the joke of a physical exam we set, and we keep lowering the bar anyway just to keep up with the quota."

J: "Fuck off!"

Jecka got to throw a fake flower pot from windowsill on the closing doors. Shit cracked for real though and spilled the dirt all over the floor.

J: "Ah crap, we gotta clean this up. That gotta count as vandalism and I'm NOT paying a ticket on the first day of freedom!"

N: "You clean that, I got shit to do. Be right back."

J: "Hey don't you leave on me like that! Didn't you want to talk!?"

N: "Lost the mood, sorry. Catch you later."

J: "Well screw you too then!

...

...

...

My fresh nails..."

Chapter Text

Closing those doors and walking away was about to be the biggest mistake of my life. One that may as well have started the whole thing.

No, not Jecka. I literally said I'd be back, plus she's the one who made that mess. She should be happy we met each other that 'one last time' in the first place! And of course that army prick really pissed me off.

When I got to the library, Bitch Lynn was there.

Nicole: "Oops I was just dropping off my lost textbook check... awkward."

Lynn: "I was on my way out, just packing."

N: "They make you clear the whole room at the end of every year?"

L: "Uh no, they make you clear the whole room after you're fired."

N: "Whoops."

L: "Your apathy won't work on me, Nicole."

N: "You're not mad?"

L: "No actually, it's been a long time coming. Surprised it didn't happen sooner to be honest."

N: "So you knew ignoring it would come back to bite you?"

L: "When you've fooled around with half your staff they don't take you very seriously. I know I may seem old to you but we're actually not too different."

N: "Using our looks to fuck around with people?"

L: "That's right, been doing it since I was your age.

Though you really one upped me. Never letting your emotions trick you into thinking you owed them anything. Rare for a girl your age."

N: "How long for you to figure that out?"

L: "I still haven't, in 39 years. 39 years old and I didn't report teachers for asking students out because I didn't wanna look stuck up.

Sometimes all it takes is one night with someone to feel the need to be loyal."

N: "Ew! - - You fucked the counselor!?"

L: "Ugh, among others."

N: "Well... I guess it only makes sense that men impulsive enough to fuck their boss would also try to fuck kids.

I thought you hosted the feminism club?"

L: "Politics are fashion. We picket for a sense of belonging, not change."

...

N: "... Belonging you say."

L: "Maybe one day you'll start your own movement."

...

N: "And how much is that sense of belonging worth?"

L: "Excuse me?"

That part of conversation we did side by side, inch away as she was about to walk out.

N: "Cause, even if people are shitbags that either try to leech off others or work the least they can, we can do pretty fucked up stuff to get into a social group."

L: "... Oddly profound and unexpected of you. Are you perhaps high on something?"

N: "I snort to stop thinking, so I guess not.

How far would you go out of your comfort zone for that?"

L: "My zone of comfort? You just destroyed it.

I'm out of a job I built my whole life around and you just entered adulthood. I think we're both about to find out.

Now let me ask one more thing myself then: are you about to reveal a dramatic twist that the past two years were just an act?"

N: "Nah, don't think so. I still hate you, fucking pedo enabler. See ya never hag."

L: "Good luck."

Startled me there for a second. I guess that's what an out-of-character ball match ends up looking like. One from me, one from her. She probably never knew or cared what I was going to do after high school, I certainly didn't, but I could  juuust  feel the cowboy hat tip from her. From one golddigger to another.

Why all that?

I was low on pills.

Mom was yet to kick the bucket as of that day so my supply should've been stable, but she didn't restock her meds cabinet for quite some time. Our newfound stability in life delayed her next psychiatrist visit and I had to ration my stuff. I felt like the poor kids that could only take the free school lunches and walk hungry all day.

I mean I took them too, except for the opioids.

If I only knew...

Jecka: "WELL HELLO, BITCH!"

Nicole: "Jecka, what's the fuss about? I told you I'll be back."

J: "Look at my nails! I had to clean that mess barehanded because I couldn't just ask a janitor for a broom! How the fuck am I supposed to go to a graduation party now!?"

N: "You could've just waited that out, I'd bring a rag or something."

J: "They're worth at least a burger with fries! You OWE me that!"

N: "Whatever, feel like-"

...

There he was.

"So what are your plans now?"

"Do you feel like traveling to other countries?"

"Are you bilingual?"

"College loan may be overwhelming in the long run. You see, we have this very generous offer..."

"Trade schools have nothing on our courses. Employers keep whining about years of experience, but once they'll see you've been a mechanic in the Corps their panties will be in a twist."

"You'll get shredded dude. Right now doesn't even come close. Imagine Jay Cutler kind of big."

"Housing is skyrocketing in prices. You say you'll be able to afford it soon, but the rent you have now may catch up with your savings. Think about it."

"Yes... Yes, certain aspects are just like Call of Duty. Yes, even Halo."

"It's a million dollars targeting equipment. Surgical precision that brings JDAM's right on their turbans. You need to see it in action."

Booth in the middle of the main hall, like that of lemonade kids. The entire school was a ghost town except for that one spot, all dudes. Raggedy ass folding chairs, carpet for push-ups, pull-up bar, and a 7/10 military uniform chick for an assistant. No wonder he tried to get Jecka onboard.

N: "They really are like cattle."

J: "The pipeline is real dude."

N: "Better than the prison pipeline."

J: "Do we even have that? That's for black ghetto schools."

N: "Prison there is basically occupation by default. Trade selection starts once they put them to work in nearby factories."

J: "Kinda makes the whole Civil War pointless. Just slavery with extra steps."

N: "We got to shit on the Midwest though."

J: "Bitch, we ARE the Midwest! Virginia was literally leader of the Confederacy! We wanted Lincoln dead! Had slaves and shit!"

N: "How do I know? My class frequency was barely above half."

...

N: "Damn, I wanna fuck with him so bad."

J: "... Bitch you are NOT real right now."

N: "What!? Ew! No! You need everything explained like a special-ed kid?"

J: "I'm not a fucking retard, but be just a bit more specific!"

N: "Do we really have a Pinky and The Brain dynamic going on?"

J: "You're the high 24/7 one, go figure."

If not for these tiny random mood swings inside my head at that moment, I'd be less bitchy. I was out for some natural serotonin for once, one from ruining someone's day.

N: "Look, you in or not?"

J: "Last time you said that you made me cook crack at your place."

N: "Shut it! You got five hundred bucks from that!"

We waited around the corner for a good minute cooking up a plan.

N: "That chick is sidestepping like crazy. She's asking for a piss but the old fart keeps her chained there. When those guys get stamped she's gonna go take a leak and he'll be all alone."

J: "What next? Slip crushed Xanax into his coffee?"

N: "Fuck no I'm low on that. We'll just screw with his papers. They look, like, super important."

J: "Okay, but who does what?"

• • •

CHOICE 1: Have Jecka distract the recruiter, and sabotage him yourself.

CHOICE 2: Listen to what the recruiter has to say, and have Jecka sabotage him.

Chapter Text

CHOICE 2: Listen to what the recruiter has to say, and have Jecka sabotage him.

I made up my mind. Jecka was to go in the moment we'd sit down. With no guys to process into soon-to-be bodybags, I went out front. He finally let his assistant take a piss.

Nicole: "Okay. Cool. Cold bitch... Ekhm!"

Guy noticed me just as he thought of packing his bags.

Daniel: "Oh! Welcome! How can I-"

N: "Sup. I'm in. Let's do it."

D: "O... okay? What exactly?"

N: "I'm feeling like dying in a foreign war in my twenties. Can you help me with that?"

D: "Ah, it's you. What do you want?"

N: "I straight up told you, jarhead.

I want to get shipped like canned meat to some unpronounceable shithole, shoot some kids, and get blown to smithereens by a member of an unpronounceable fanatic religious group. Doesn't have to be Muslim though, I'm pretty open minded."

D: "What an attitude."

N: "Too much to handle?"

D: "Not for me, no sugarcoating babytalk makes the job easier. Your DIs will straighten you out instead."

I'll be real with you, at that time I had no idea what the whole acronym speak was about. I was just trying to screw him over.

N: "I'd like to see them try."

From the perspective of time, that's a stinger.

D: "Either way, it won't be my problem. Not bullshiting someone for once is a breath of fresh air.

Come on then, give me ten consecutive pull-ups to see if the paperwork is worth it."

I got to it while giving a negative to Jecka waiting for signal. Having literally EVERY contact with opposite sex being that of attempted rape or grooming got into my muscle memory though.

N: "How big are the chances you're going to grope my ass while I'm on it?"

D: "I'd say you're getting annoying with those sexual assault remarks, but I'm also kinda on the news with the nonce problem in this school."

N: "... One!"

My bad PE experiences aside, I was pretty athletic for a girl, pretty gymnastics that made the old farts "teaching" us drool behind our backs. Also yet to do anything truly big to ruin my body.

D: "Bullshit, your chin didn't reach above the bar. Again."

I'll never live that down. I could be bleeding out in middle of Afghan and my fragile ego would recall that one insignificant humiliation. I clearly did it right! I'm not a fatso!"

N: "On... Ngh! The news? Just like everyone after my show on the ceremony?"

D: "One. Nah, years. Not that it concerned me as guys are my target audience. That bitch Lynn had it coming, and you sure are one too."

N: "Two... Three... H-hey what the fuck!?"

Out of nowhere, bastard grabbed me by the ankles and started dragging me down.

D: "Stop whining, you skirts barely weight anything! Your strength-to-mass ratio is that of a cockroach and so is your endurance!"

N: "Screw... you... four!"

I lived through the bad touch by seeing that Jecka quietly went through the hall and hid behind another corner, just an arm's reach of the desk.

D: "Imagine this is sixty pounds of equipment wearing you down! Backpack, rifle, plates! You're gonna die if you can't drag them! Five!"

N: "What the hell's... the matter with you!? S... Six!"

D: "I'm a pretty standard crayon-eater, darling. If I want to get the money you must be at least eligible physically. Seven!"

He was putting in way more force than that and it only got worse. Following a certain trend in my life, now he really deserved a ruined day.

Or maybe not?

Maybe he genuinely wanted to see me in the Marines despite the shit he said?

D: "Damn you suck a fat one, young lady. At least you'll do the barracks bunny part well!"

Nah, fuck him.

N: "Eat. Shit. DIE."

Is this what they call junkie power? Coke rush? Going Al Pacino? I was yet to do any go-to-jail drugs, but praised be the American pharma.

D: "Good! Good! That's a ten! Pick yourself up."

Low level of barely legal and highly addictive shit in my blood hit me like that time I tried mom's beta-blockers. Not that they improved me, just kept functional.

N: "Haah... aah."

D: "Okay babe, good enough. Come on, take a seat."

N: Oh shit... Do I need 911?"

Jecka peeked out and scanned the area. Women's restroom was yet to open but the clock was ticking.

D: "What you need is to work on your body. At this point a weekend at National Guard will give you a heart attack."

Pen he clicked could also act as a blunt weapon. The fresh applicant sheet was just three pages long.

D: "Name?"

N: "Nicole."

...

N: "... Smith?"

I don't think that's ever been said out loud, but my second name is the most basic bitch thing ever. Doesn't fit the whole depression, self harm, and suicide theme, but those became common themselves so I guess I'm just lying to myself.

Makes me realize why she hated being called 'Jessica' so much.

D: "Any criminal record?"

You'd expect me to be a deranged teen doing headlines, but surprisingly... No?

N: "I mean I cooked drugs and shipped them through states once. Is that bad?"

Shit they didn't get you for doesn't count of course.

sigh

D: "... caught?"

N: "No idea how I pulled it off but I'm clean."

Old man got tabs on me in seconds, he went from papers to a laptop.

D: "Good enough. Keep it shut though, I don't want any bad rap."

Truly the highest of standards for the future defenders of our nation and values.

N: "Says who."

In between the elaborate heist, I realized I'm about to be put into an actual database of something. Like, I'm a tech kid compared to my old hag, but it really gets to your head once it arrives.

D: "Y'know what, finish those yourself. Birth, address, parents, yada yada. I'm gonna check you in digitally and then take a leak. Also where's that bitch..."

I expected Jecka to get more creative, but sitting there in person made me see how very few safe angles of attack there were. Instead of crossing out shit or writing fake info she just took piece of paper one after another. Army gramps unexpectedly got up and was about to catch Jessica red-handed.

N: "Oooohhhh maaaan, I'm a buuust!"

D: "What is it this time? Even with my misogyny, I'm sure we can somehow-"

N: Duuude, I'm suuuper high right now."

D:"What?"

N: "Out of my mind, stoned, high functioning opium addict. My liver probably looks worse than yours."

D: "Oh for fuck's sake! Now you're telling me that!? Getting high on your own supply!? That shit takes months to flush out for the tests!"

N: "Yeah man, unstable mom is a totally better source than the cartels. Feds are really the best dealer there is!"

Jecka bailed in the opposite direction to one of school's backdoors. To keep him tied I swept that piece of paper and gave it all out of my cardio, the only thing pretty bitches do. Seriously, muscles are ugly as fuck on women.

N: "Oh, but hey, I'mma take that! Never know! Might change my mind later!"

D: "Get out of here damn brat! Fuck, wasting my time... Wait- FUCK!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!"

Chapter Text

Jecka: "And who else!? Who else!?"

You know how it is when you get your hands on some bitch's diary? Like, when she leaves her locker open or you send a pic of your underwear to the janitor to have him open it for you?

Nicole: "... Kylar, pfft, obviously..."

J: "Gorilla with a gun is the most fitting career for that hunk of meat."

And then who always seemed to be this nasty alpha, this fucking insufferable hooker.

N: "Let's see... Braxton, Kyle... so he didn't kill his mom... but even an attempt should get him lo... Wait, fucking Troby? Didn't he drop out?"

Is just a sissy, insecure girl who draws Hello Kitty right next to the daydreams of her crush?

J: "Saw him at a Hot Topic twice. He said he's gonna transfer to another school and join the army cause being a wagie sucks ass."

So you rip pages right out and nail them down on the bulletin board in the main hallway in the middle of the night.

N: "Like that's any better. On the streets you only bite it when you're unlucky, the usual tragedies and occasional robbery. But as an invader grunt? A whole bunch of people is out to get you and to record your corpse for a propaganda video."

And in just two days of being bullied and getting sent unsolicited dick pics.

J: "Damn, now that I think about it... the goddamn pipeline. Half of our class, half of our school in general! Like, who am I supposed to dig out gold from now!?"

She overdoses on ketamine, wanders onto an interstate, and gets hit by a soccer mom in a two-ton SUV?

N: "What gold? From a guy your age? Dude, they're good for nothings. Cogs that will get chewed up by the system, and either die or leave after achieving nothing."

J: "Being a closet rapist and a moron is a one thing, but why do men want to die so bad? Wasn't suicide your unique quirk?"

N: "Yeah, I feel devalued and robbed."

Well imagine all this, but with military documents.

J: "We should probably get rid of this right fucking now. I know it's not classified but that's enough crime for a graduation day."

There was no janitor to dump it all onto in this scenario. Only tracks led to us.

N: "Light 'em up then."

So we just savored the victory of making an adult man's life inconvenient and a whole lot of working hours wasted, all those tedious screenings turned to dust.

...

Except for mine.

J: "I hope we don't start a forest fire with this."

I'd throw it in a beat if not for those signatures. Staff Sargeant Daniel Bennett. All his sarcasm and lack of trying, I get it, that's basically me. But prefabbed signatures on all blank sheets? That's not just idiotic, but waiting for a bitch like me.

N: "Pick up some rocks then."

I didn't know what I'd use it for, most likely a blackmail, but what kind of? I stashed it like average dads do with odd pieces of junk, for later. At least that's what they supposedly do. I just weirdly crumpled it up into my bag.

J: "BITCH I SWEAR I'LL THROW YOU FACE FIRST INTO THAT!"

N: "What?"

J: "MY FUCKING NAILS!

I paid for them outta my pocket! Dad had an accident at work so bad he's on unpaid leave! This shit was supposed to last a month and dirt already scratched off the top layer!

God, how did I even manage those two years with you!?"

As for Jecka, a mildly clear head made me realize I could use her as a lifeline in case of trouble.

N: "Oh I told you I'll get them done. Give me some time!"

J: "Like I'm gonna see you ever again!"

Had to be careful when pulling the strings on her, they break easily and you can't just sex up a girl for money.

N: "Depends on if mum kicks me out the moment I knock on the door or by the time summer wraps up. Then we'll figure it out."

J: "If!? We!?

What's in IT for ME!?

We stuck around to survive, not because you were a good company! And I'm not some cheap hooker!"

N: "Snorting pills, watching Mythbusters, and snuggling into my tits didn't feel good?"

...

...

...

J: "... I was high, get over it. If your mom wasn't a broke ass bitch she'd get a cable with AMC and Breaking Bad."

N: "We can always burn a DVD."

J: "You're being gay as fuck. Stop."

N: "... will you drop me off?"

I mean, I hate my fatso brother for being a useless leech, but isn't it socially acceptable when hot women do it?

J: "BigMac with coke and large fries, a bottle of Addies from your stash, and fresh nails. Even if you're homeless and selling ass. End of June or We. Are. DONE. Got it?"

Considering I thought of myself as already without a roof over my head, I was halfway there. Empathy or not, don't bite a hand that feeds you.

N: "Deal."

Chapter Text

Jecka: "No, I'm not changing the course. Your stop. Go take a bus or something, school lines are still running today."

Being dropped off half of the way home may sound good on paper.

Nicole: "Come on, don't treat me like a loan shark. I'll get you everything on time!"

But when that one-fourth remaining is still two digits of miles, that's NOT a good deal.

J: "Mom just texted dad needs his bandages changed. Aaaannnd being a useless golddigger she can't do it alone."

N: "You're not even good at medicine. Like, 'I won't do CPR through a hygienic mask' kind of bad."

J: "Bitch, we both barely passed the first-aid course!

Hey, shouldn't you be at my feet and beg for favors by the way? Your life is probably depending on me now."

N: "I can always sell ass."

J: "I can see you do that without a second option. Whatever, our relationship is, and WAS transactional only. Don't die and I'll see you around."

...

Jecka hit the road, I was left in the middle of Springfield in a pink sunset.

N: "What a mess. Ah, here goes nothing."

After a whole day of surprisingly productive things, it was time for a good kid to get her candy.

N: "Wait..."

Except she didn't have any.

N: "Where the- No."

The calculated starvation diet that I chose to endure instead of breaking into a drug store.

N: "No no no no no NO NO FUCK!"

Went into just that, plain starvation.

I pushed that biological deadline to its limits and my body wasn't happy about it. I ransacked my pockets, bag, and ground around me. I searched for that bottle of pills like a lost child if I was a better parent than my mom. If she ever gave a shit about either me or my nonce brother.

N: "Fuck! FUCK! FUCK! Fuck... oh."

All the ingredients of an opioid-based cocktail in my blood just had their red bulbs lit up.

Adderall, Vicodin, Percocet, Xanax.

All at once.

N: "... oh fuck."

I hit the ground with my knees for the first of many times that evening. That sensation of 'getting a cough' set in, the one where even the tiniest touch has you snap back like from a hot coal burn.

N: "Haah... Aah! Nghh! I can't-"

Something so deeply entrenched, so fundamental that made me into the person I was, was seeping out of me like blood that time I got shot in a mall.

The world was spinning around and not in a good way. And with me spinning too, rustling around and panicking like a crackhead I was, it only made things worse.

N: "No... G-get up!"

Those five wasted minutes were crucial. I forgot about my bus, it was long gone.

Then I heard the horn. Again, it felt like five gunshots going off right next to my ear.

N: "Train!"

It pulled up to an empty station. There wasn't much time.

N: "Hey... Hey! Heeeey- cough! Cough! COUGH! AAH!"

My legs turned to cotton, it felt like a dream where steps forward make you walk in one spot. I wobbled like a drunk, bumped into shit, and held onto the posts and poles, but held out from falling over. Still, it wasn't enough.

N: "I'm right here... wa-ait for me you piece of... Haah..."

The whistle sounded and all the doors closed. Train driver probably saw me, but on the last day of school year, I'd be a lazy bum and do the same. Another ride left without me.

N: "The school... I need to get to that classroom, ngh! It should still be in... the classroo- HARK!"

I left them on that desk. It would be a very nice find for the next year's freshman, but I wasn't keen on giving up my supply. If I just downed them all in one go all of this would've been avoided.

N: "Chain... Fuck the cameras, I just... Just... !!!"

Climbing a locked metal gate with the body control and strength of a drunk toddler was a terrible idea, but crackheads aren't exactly reasonable people.

N: "Aghh! My ass..."

Hitting the concrete, again, felt like being run over by a redneck pickup.

Barely legal girl, face first on a cold sidewalk, right in front of Lake Braddock Secondary School gate. Right for the taking. With luck a one bit worse than I already had, this would be the last chapter of my life.

N: "You..."

It took minutes, but the panic stopped. I got angry, tried to hype myself up within. Getting that crackhead power going once more, but I was literally the opposite. Didn't stop me from trying though.

N: "You brainless fucking moron, ah, you retarded-"

"Oi, da fuk was that to?"

All my chants did was summoning an actual crackhead.

N: "Nghh... aaaAAHHHH!!!"

"You wot? War cry, is that it? You want to go, huh!? You want to get some of thes-"

Once I realized I had to breathe manually, I realized this might be what dying feels like.

N: "Help."

And since I didn't get to choose my way out, like through some sexy serial killer, I wasn't too proud to beg.

"Yeah! You're gonna be needin' one when I'm done with y-"

N: "Help me, I'm-"

RUSTLE

Concrete again.

"So much for a fight, eh dickhead...

Oh shit, lady! Damn, I thought... You ain't lookin' good! Uhh, wassup with ya?"

Now that he saw a petite girl instead of a challenger of his territory claim, he was polite enough to not beat me to death or rape me on the spot. So kind of him.

N: "My guts-"

"Like wha-"

HURK

"Uh..."

HULP

"Oh."

BLEGH

"Damn, you need water or sumthin'?"

B U U U L E E E G H H H

...

"Aight I ain't touching all that with a five foot pole. I'm out."

In the end I didn't get that water. After my last scrap of womanly appeal was ruined by throwing up, the guy just bounced.

N: "M-mister... ^{No... H-help...}"

"Nah, that's some nasty OD. I ain't tapping that roastbeef pussy."

N: "I'm not... man... mister... ^Anyone. I can't... ^{I can't...}"

N: "Jecka."

J: "Wazzup."

N: "Help me. I... I'm out. I'm so fucked up."

J: "Ugh, we saw each other TWENTY minutes ago and you did WHAT!? What is it this time?"

N: "Nothing. It's not. None."

J: "Bitch, you're TRIPPING! You're high on something again!?"

N: "No. Can't walk. I... I forgot."

J: "If it knocked you off your feet then it had to be sum goooood shit, eh?"

N: "No. None. Nothing."

J: "Seriously why the FUCK are we even talking anymore!? You're pushing it Nicole, I know doing and selling drugs makes you cool, but if you go for the hard stuff at least accept the consequences!"

N: "Zero. I didn't. Nothing. None. Any."

J: "Oh so that's what happened? Some gangster had you take your own rocks to prove you're not...

oh no."

N: "Please. Can't... I forgot. Forgot! Yaa... ahh... AAAGHHH!"

...

J: "... Oh shit.

ohshitohshitohshitOHSHIT

I'm coming! I'll be there in a hot minute!

Hold on Nic-

S C R E E E C H

FUCK! Merging without looking!"

N: "Jecka... you..."

J: "Yes, yes I'll be there... fuck this is just what that... t-that cop... We had an anti-drug lecture from him, he told us how withdrawal can screw you over as bad as OD, you skipped it obviously... H-hey talk to me!"

N: "Shaking. Cold. I can't."

J: "NOT like that! Do NOT go into the light or whatever you're seeing! Where are you!?"

N: "Springfield."

J: "Springfield WHAT!? That doesn't narrow it down!"

N: "Silver. Closed."

J: "Silver!? Silver Diner!? Next to the mall!? I'm flooring it there!"

N: "Jecka... I forgot..."

J: "What are you even doing there!? How!? And why didn't you just call 911!?"

N: "Home."

J: "Walking home!? In a fucking US of A!? Don't tell me you missed the bus!? Train!?"

N: "... Both."

J: "God fucking damn it you're useless! On drugs or not!"

J: "You're SO fucked up. Deflated like a corpse... ahh-nd are somehow still heavy... get in!"

Before swimming into that... sea... I remember Jecka scolding me and picking me up like a log over her shoulder. I'm a hundred percent sure that I drooled over the car's leather too.

N: "Ewbheweme... eee... Donhn wanna see..."

J: "Mom's gonna kill me either way, but, j-just PLEASE don't throw up on the backseat."

N: "Jecka... Home."

J: "E.T go hospital, bitch! You're fucking dying! I'm not having your corpse shit itself back there! Or... dying... in general. Man I hate that movie, but your face sure looks like that slimy alien right now."

Imagine doing a bad thing by for once NOT taking drugs.

N: "Jekha... Je... Jhee... Jhefry."

J: "Jeffrey? Jeffrey what?"

N: "He shwut you... shwot you... an ehryon... I swould tald hm owt... Imssho swowwy..."

I don't remember exactly what I saw... there. Not all dreams are tangible, that stuff isn't some movie fragment you watch.

J: "He shot? Who? Are you dreaming of that loser being in the Marines or something?"

N: "aei... Ari, ah fwukhd er ufp... sho bwawd. Why..."

I remember concepts, emotions, but no context.

I didn't want to see these things. Perhaps it's for the best I don't remember them. I think this lack of memory was really just a defense mechanism.

I was never a spiritual person, and this didn't have to be some supernatural limbo.

But dreams are a thing.

And it was an abyss, true to its name. One that strips you of everything. One where you're naked in and out, where time of day has no place. I was there not alone, but with myself.

Many selves.

It was an eternity in there.

You just don't come back the same from something like this.

J: "You fucked with Ari!?

Goddamn, I didn't know you swung that way! Any other interesting facts I had no idea about you?"

Jecka never told me what I was babbling about. She said she's gonna take it to the grave, but I think she doesn't remember either.

N: "Emiwy woo.. Idwdertwoo... pwlls... ded..."

J: "AND Emily? Sex on pills? Wow, that's a nice triangle you had going! One's a doormat and the other's complete psycho!

Okay, but seriously, keep talking. We're almost the-"

i f t h e g o d i s n t w a t c h i n g

w h o i s

a n d w h e r e w i l l h e t a k e u s

t h i s t i m e

J: "WHAT THE FUCK!?!? DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!"

Through that whole out of body trip, I remember one bitchslap on my face breaking through. But it could've been just me smashing my face from what happened next.

J: "Sit your ass down! If I won't keep my eyes on the rOHMYGO-"

C R A A A S H H H

Chapter Text

...

Jecka: "... I mean it doesn't look that bad.

...

But it won't start either... and something's leaking from the front

uhh, oil? Fuck, it's the radiator."

Ramming a deer at 50mph in the middle of pitch dark nowhere brought me back into the sack of meat that was my body. Unfortunately, I couldn't immediately share my spiritual experience with Jecka because I was still going through a withdrawal seizure in the rear of her trashed car.

J: "What am I supposed to do!? Damnit, that car-obsessed jock could be of use right now!

Nic... Nicole!?"

Nicole: "Webwe... mwelwmmm..."

J: "You're alive, good, haah... It's no use I'm calling an ambulance. Fuck, why didn't you jus-"

Can't read my, can't ready my~

J: "M-mom?

My friend is having a seizure! I was taking her... I know I'm late, that's what I'm saying! No, I won't. I just crashed into a deer!

Yes, it is an excuse! Dad's not dying MY FRIEND IS! I will be talking to you like that bec... YES! No I don't care!

...

To the clinic!? What are you nuts!? Just pull them off, wash with cold water, the gel, it's not that fucking hard! I need to call 9... Take away my stuff all you want. Bye!"

I'll get him hot, show him what I got~

J: "Just stop... Oh? Oh is that so? And who's been telling me to not use a phone wile driving? Hah! Beat it!

That's your paint job, not mine."

^{"Hey! Get out of the way! You're the one who cut me off! You and your... now YOU watch your mouth, young ma-"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!}

J: Oh my God! Mom... mom what's happening!? Mom!

^{BLAM! BLAM!}

MOM!?"

...

...

^{Heavy polysubstance withdrawal.}

^{Administering diazepam, 5 milligrams.}

^{Let's get an IV started, 500 mililiters of saline, stat.}

^{Seizures stabilizing but vitals aren't looking good. Electrolytes!}

^{Fuck! So much for that... I need antiemetics!}

^{Get us a crash cart! Respiratory!}

...

...

Nicole: "Mmmm..."

From Jecka's leather backseat, I was taken to a hospital. Two tubes in my nose, drip jacked into the arm. It was... bad. But not the violently kind of bad. I had a sense of the fact it was so just a few hours earlier, as they put me in an adult diaper and my ass felt ithy like I already went through a few of them.

Fucking humiliating.

But not as much to want to kill myself, or maybe... I just didn't feel like it?

Nah, the 2009 Stanley Cup on the TV above and being in the same room with half-dead elderly sure made me feel like it. The smell, ugh. But I was too weak to do that. I wouldn't be able to open the window to my left with two hands.

Nurse: "She's up!

Hey there! How are you feeling today?"

Ni: "I dunno... How long was I out?"

Nu: "Eleven hours. Did you have a good sleep?"

Ni: "... as long as I wasn't violated through that time?"

Nu: "Ah... eeee... Well, no. You weren't. I can assure you that.

Now let's do a health checkup and some basic paperwork. You'll be out in no time."

By the time we got to the insurance side of things, everything was covered but a two hundred bucks on top of the bill. Mom came and paid it off to not ruin our credit score.

And I knew nothing good would come out of that.

Against the nurse's nagging, I took a walk after she left me. And in the afternoon mob of people, Jecka was biting her nails off in a chair.

N: "Jecka... Psst, hey!"

...

N: "Uh, what happened?"

J: "MY DAD WAS SHOT BY A ROADRAGING NIGGER!"

My face... twisted on its own. Folks gave us both a mean stare but went on with their day. I'm sure there's still like a decade until you'll get lynched outside of a ghetto for dropping a bomb like that.

...

N: "Geez... um. That's bad.

Let's sit down. Go from the start."

J: "Mom called 911 to have dad's bandages changed but the dispatcher said this isn't an emergency.

And because I didn't come home on time she decided to drive him there herself.

When she was scolding me through a phone some guy cut her off and she rear-ended him.

And... a-and then walked out of the car AND JUST STARTED SHOOTING!"

In under a minute, she was bawling her eyes out. For a cul-de-sac highschool graduate, she had a bad history with guns. And in my once-in-a-million sober state.

I pitied her.

A bit. Don't expect much.

J: Mom's deaf, but dad... doctor said it was something big.... a caliber-something! His liver's in pieces! They have him on life support! Saying there's blood poisoning or something! And mum is a veggie this entire time!

What the fuck am I supposed to do!?"

N: "Jecka, slow down and listen to me now.

I'm very... sorry that this had happened to you.

Before you start lashing out at everyone... I'm your best choice. If I was smart enough to be high and didn't have a seizure, none of this would have happened. I..."

I'm sure as hell she saw a ghost behind me.

J: "... are you okay?"

...

N: "Now that you made me self-conscious about it, no I'm not. Better you than me, I hate you, I'm done."

...

sigh

I crashed right next to her, tired of life as much as she was. Maybe some profound follow up was brewing in my throat. Maybe one bad trip and a minute of clarity was all it took to undo eighteen years of bullshit life. Maybe if, against my hate for emotions, I'd open up with something genuine to her, a whole goddamn wheel of history would be changed.

Unfortunately, someone who I wish got shot and fucked by ten gangbangers at once, decided to show up and ruin the moment.

Nicole's Mom: "There you are young lady! Trying to run away again?"

Chapter Text

Nicole's Mom: "Get in the car. We're going home for what might be your last time."

Jecka: "Uh, Nic-"

Like never before that hag yanked me by the hair and dragged through the packed hospital hall. If I just swiped a used syringe or something it would be right in her neck.

Nicole: "Mom... MOM! What the fuck!?"

NM: "Drug fueled adventures on the first day of your first legal summer! In public! How excellent of you!"

N: "Woman, I'm in here because of a withdrawal!"

NM: "Excuses! If you hadn't gotten high to impress your classmates for years in the first place, none of this would have happened!"

N: "I did that shit to check off your 'get along with other kids' box!"

NM: "And now you're doing it for the sake of it! Move it! No one else has to listen to this!"

In no shape to slap that bitch in the face, she threw me into the changing room.

NM: "Any other interesting events you want to tell me about?"

N: "My friend crashed while driving me to a hospital and then her dad got shot. Couldn't find out more."

NM: "Even with others you're a leech. Way to show off your true colors."

Oh hell no.

N: "... The fuck you mean by true colors!? One day you call me a drug junkie, next you pretend we're a normal family! If you gotta berate me at least make up your mind!"

NM: "Oh I've made up my mind! We're going to have a looong talk about this!"

Back home.

NM: "It's time for you to learn about personal responsibility and have a taste of some ACTUAL adult life. Getting high will not make these things go away."

N: "Easy for you to say, pill dispenser."

NM: "And funny for you to say. I've gotten so stable recently that you ended up starving."

N: "And almost died. Way to go, mom."

NM: "I did my parental duty and raised you. Now it's time for you to behave like a grown person."

N: "What, you want me to start doing 9-5? Save up for your retirement? I didn't ask to be born. Beat it, bitch."

NM: "I'll spare you that chore, keep the money to yourself.

And expenses."

...

N: "You're kicking me out?"

NM: "What, did you expect college? Even if I had the money, you'd drop out. I'm open for trade school ideas though."

N: "Ew what the fuck, no... I'll do with just being pretty and having men do everything for me."

NM: "Whatever you do, I wish you best, because in two weeks your plan will need to house and feed you."

...

N: "Two weeks? Not even a whole summer?"

NM: "Adults don't get holidays by default, Nicole. We have to work for them."

N: "Two weeks isn't shit! How do you expect me to get on my feet!?"

NM: "You are a crafty liar and manipulator, use your talents. What will be your career choice? Arby's? GameStop?"

N: "Greasy fatties or greasy fat gamers are not a good pool of choice! Kicking out your kids at 18 is exatly what caused the Recession!"

NM: "What caused the Recession is a generation of lazy freeloaders that can't pull themselves by their bootstraps!"

N: "This is the most boomer shit I've ever heard! You're not THAT fucking old!"

NM: "Well there HAS to be a REASON why we own houses while you kids rent attics!"

N: "Attics!?

Oh.

Attics.

Are you talking about that fat fuck floor above, hm?"

...

NM: "We are not talking about him, Nicole. We are talking about you."

...

N: "Of course we don't. We never do. He's a non-issue.

But now that I think about it, isn't his useless ass behind almost all of this?"

NM: "Nicole..."

N: "Evictions... restraining orders... bailing him out of child porn..."

NM: "... You're pushing it."

N: "Me and you.

The fuckups we are today.

We'd be at least half less worse people if not for him.

Weird for me to get so thoughtful like that, but you know I'm right.

Maybe good enough to have a normal conversation once in a while, united in the shit that happened to us both.

But no.

He's a non-issue.

Ever thought about that?"

...

NM: "I will not be listening to any of this."

N: "You never listen to anything.

I'll give you credit on the hard work though. You at least tried to freeload, like Jecka's mom.

But after getting dumped by eight guys in a row it just makes sense to s-"

 

S L A P

...

NM: "I told you it'll happen many times over!

Don't touch that subject!

Why did you make me do this!?"

sigh

NM: "Either way, two weeks."

And don't think about touching the trust fund. You'll still get your monthly, but don't expect any raise."

N: "... I'm calling the cops."

NM: "Go on then. Pray they'll take me. Otherwise those two weeks will turn into less than a day."

Now go take a shower. You stink like if some homeless man had a way with you when you were out."

N: "Yeah. See you tomorrow."

Chapter Text

On the second day of the summer I was still pretty easy on pill hunger. Whatever they stuffed me with had to be a very good substitute. Not only that I got prescriptions for myself and mom was actually willing to get me this supply, so... yay a near-death seizure?

... but now her medicine cabinet was locked with a chain and a remote alarm hooked up to her phone. On the last day I'd rip it apart for sure, but I had to take the most of my two week deadline.

Feeling charitable, through a man I was surprised would help me in the first place, I found the detective working on Jecka's family case. I took it to the Lake Braddock Park, where he was casually strolling on the beat instead of solving an attempted homicide.

Cop: "Sorry lady, but that's a classified information."

Nicole: "Oh come on! Don't make it sound so important! It's just another hood shootout!"

C: "Yeah, a hood shootout WITH a white middle-class causality."

N: "And that's my friend's dad! I gotta know! What happened back there!?"

C: "Nuh-uh. Won't do. It's an undergoing investigation and I'm not losing my job over dumb shit. Now get lost."

...

N: "Dumb shit? Like that one time you got a thighfuck from a black hooker on someone's backyard?"

...

C: "Wait..."

N: "In the middle of scene investigation?

Key witness of a night drive-by?

MS-13?

And you didn't even write her down?"

C: "Whoa, whoa, whoa!"

N: "All for an ass hump? How long did you last anyway? Two, three minutes?"

C: "How did you...

Zip it!"

N: "Why? Because your boss was reassigned from LA's C.R.A.S.H.? Straight up Klanner? He'd hate to learn his favorite white boy is lusting over a disgusting n-"

C: "Fuck! Stop it! Alrightalrightalright!

Just not here!

...

What. Do. You. Want."

N: "Just spill the beans dude. They're not accepting special-eds into our department... yet?"

C: "Okay! But keep it shut I'm begging you! If this comes out it won't be just about the career anymore!

...

Hah... Right. So. Two days ago 11 p.m. North of the Springfield Interchange.

White Bronco with a white suburb NOVA couple. They got cut off right on the exit by a low-rider Impala, six people total."

N: "Yeah?"

C: "Guy hits the brakes on the first intersection, Ford woman didn't make it, classic rear-end.

Chevy crew immediately gets pissed, driver steps out of the car and starts throwing hands on the window. Eyewitness says everything was fine until the woman talked back."

N: "So he's the guy?"

C: "No. Kid in the backseat pulled out a fifty-caliber Desert Eagle and blasted five rounds in their direction." 

N: "That sounds... bad? Like, worse than an average 'somebody was shot' news?"

C: "Hell yeah, that's a fucking handcannon. Average hood boy packs a worn-out Taurus or a thirty-eight snubnose. That shit could go through our SWAT vests."

N: "Listen, I'm a white chick, not a gun nut. Get over it already!"

C: "Uh, yeah! So he fired five times with a gangster grip... and nailed his friend twice."

N: "Ouch."

C: "First shattered the shoulder blade, bone splinters all over the windshield. Trajectory was right on woman's face. If not for that friendly fire the cracked glass alone wouldn't deflect it enough and..."

N: "Brain slushie."

C: "Few misses all over the car, second hit goes through the black guy's side as he's already retreating, the windshield, front passenger seat, and into the man's liver. He jumped in and another passenger took the wheel for a getaway."

N: "Ah damn.

How bad was it?"

C: "Woman got a shell shock so tight she was frozen solid ten minutes after our CSI arrived, even when the ambulance took her. White guy's liver was in pieces, after that paramedics took over. Ask hospital about him."

N: "I tried...

I'm being way too emotional... I'm not myself... shit, what is going on with me..."

C: "No, no, no I'm begging you! Let me go kid! That crazy bastard will write me off the precinct in two calls! He breaks down doors with a no-knock just to get back at people!

You can beat your wife when you're a cop, but this son of a bitch will get me! Max sentence like never in America just to screw me over!

Pleeeaaaseee!"

N: "Dude shut up! I'm like, having emotions and feelings and shit right now! Ugh...

I just... wanted to know everything without asking Jecka anymore.

But if you're so eager to do your civil duty..."

C: "Yes! Yes, yes yes!"

N: "I dunno...

Kill him?"

...

C: "What!?"

N: "What? You shoot black kids for no reason all the time. Can't handle a single gangsta once in a while?"

C: "It's not about that! It's just not how it works! I'm a detective grunt! I can't make up a warrant outta nowhere!"

N: "Rock, thick ass, and a hard place. That's what you got yourself between and now you gotta dig yourself out.

I want to see the good news on all Big Three cables by the end of the summer and I don't care how you'll get them."

C: "B-bu... but... wait!"

...

I hooked it like a friendly jogger girl after asking for directions.

...

N: "Bye bye officer! Protect and serve!"

Chapter Text

And on the third day, Nicole threw up.

For hours and all over the place. First all the breakfast came out, then nondescript slime, and finally diarrhea followed. Opioid withdrawal is not pretty, and very much monotonous.

Sleep, eat, shit, repeat.

I ended up at the hospital again, no Jecka in sight. This time less violently, and I got a fix of premium stuff again. Clonidine, methadone, and an electrolyte drip.

Nicole's Mom: Be glad you're getting the easy way out. I can't imagine what you would look like with just a pure detox.

They did an excellent job. Just enough to function, too weak to try to get my fix by force, too high to manipulate others into getting it for me. And whatever mom bought ended up rationed.

Nicole: ^{"Go to hell..."}

At that point I was only thinking about that pill bottle I left at school because of how infuriatingly dumb it was of me. The precious supply I sliced like a school lunch.

Stuff to keep the bad thoughts away.

All thoughts.

Any thoughts.

...

Time was molding and folding in on itself. It always did, sure, but not in that way. Through having no plans to live past my 20's and by being high out of my mind all the time, present kept flying by. Days were moments that came and went, and people nothing more than blips who you don't care to remember. Present didn't matter and therefore couldn't become the past, I couldn't be haunted by it.

It was all good.

But now the past that already was has gotten its hands on my neck like that fat fuck Colby in one of the nightmares I had.

It wasn't letting go

I never had a long standing home. Building, after building, after building. There was no feel to them, no atmosphere, only the walls and stuff inside. Yet all the living rooms I ever saw combined into this one homogeneous image. It smelled of nostalgia, something I didn't know I was capable of feeling. Voices of younger me kept coming in, like if she was right besides me.

Shut up.

Stop it.

This isn't real.

I never ran around with toys. I never brought in a friend for a sleepover. Mom never asked me about what I was watching. We never made collages together. Boyfriend... the hell... are you nuts... I... Dad... no. No.

No.

NO

...

...

...

Why the fuck is this happening.

Am I dying? Are those my life's regrets?

Bullshit. Then why didn't I see any of this before? When I cut my wrists or put cigs to them?

Why some pains feels different than others?

I don't like it.

Emotions suck.

...

Lying on the couch, cold sweat, staring at the ceiling in middle of the summer had to be my biggest life lesson.

And I don't mean it sarcastically, or ironically, or subversively, or deconstructively.

There is nothing to be sarcastic about.
Nothing to sprinkle irony on.
Nothing to subvert or deconstruct.

There is nothing there.

In a room of infinite mirrors you can throw self-deprecating humor at them only for so long. All the loathing you have for yourself just keeps bouncing back like a ball, bringing no value to your reflection, chipping away on the years long layers of gunk and other shit you'd do better without but keep covering yourself in out of compulsive, fucked up habit.

Before you are left with nothing but your bare disgusting self.

Missing limbs and organs from all the fakeness forcefully torn out of you. One you keep out of shame before others and disgust with yourself.

To think I tried to be a 'different bitch' huh...

Now without any of it, for a second, life felt pretty damn light.

...

I knew what I needed to do.

And I was full of all the wrong reasons to do it.

...

Didn't even need to move once. If this kind of therapy was available at school, I might've turned out more normal. Still a drug addict for sure, but more to look cool than anything. Cool enough to look forward to things instead of just breaking them.

I wonder what this 'me' would be like.

NM: "Nicole? I'm coming in."

s l i i i d e

NM: "Chamomile tea. And vitamins. I'll have a green smoothie ready in a hot minute... unless..."

N: "Why?"

NM: "Because it's good for you?"

N: "Why now? Just beat the fuck out of your disappointment. I'm right here. Defenseless."

NM: "... doctor said that's to be expected. You're not being yourself. Here, drink up."

...

N: "Why, you two faced, gaslighting, mood swinging hag! Hgnh!"

NM: "Easy there!"

N: "Why now... haah... of all moments?"

...

NM: "... you seem like you're trying."

N: "Bitch, I'm trying to not die.

You wouldn't care if I hanged myself after getting hogged for sex by a bunch of dudes."

...

NM: "Don't say that.

I would be heartbroken."

N: "The only thing breaking is your ego. Take your fucking pills or just feed it on someone else.

Hehe...

I fucking hate you but we're really alike. We can't stop sucking others dry for our complexes."

NM: "Nicole, please stop. You're talking nonsense."

N: "So go ahead. Keep being the emotional vamp and charge up your batteries. Such a good momma~

You'll relieve yourself on me like hot piss soon enough..."

...

NM: "Sweetie, I know we're both in a hard spot. Nicole, I have never seen you in a state like this, this is the worst and best spot of your life you've ever been in, I-"

h o l d

N: "Get your fucking hands off me. Touch my hand like that again and I'll bite off your fingers."

...

...

...

NM: "There is paperwork I need to get to the hospital, okay? Take your time, if you need to get up then only to the kitchen, there's fresh cut peaches in the fridge... I need to go-"

She went flying out to the doorstep like that one time Emily got to chew out her ass. Fuck, what a shame this never went anywhere, she was a one hardcore junkie.

...

But I wasn't there to contemplate other bitches. I wanted to be one.

So I got up and hit the road.

There was a burnt pile of papers I needed to dig up.

Chapter Text

Nicole: "Where is it, where is it... It didn't rain and nobody cleans this heap of trash either, it has to be..."

With Jecka's car, we took the recruiter's stuff to Lake Accotink and had a laugh sorting it there. Without a ride of my own, I took the bus.

rustle rustle

It was awful. I could've been there faster even with my withdrawal cripple walk.

The moment summer starts the barely alive public transport just goes into a hibernation. Gotta stimulate that car monopoly by giving no alternatives.

N: "... there you are!

...

Only the outer layer of the stack burned down. If this was some fraud evidence we'd be fucked.

Let's see what's left."

crunch swipe swipe

N: "Don't know, don't know, Kylar, half of him at least..."

The final bargaining chip was already crumpled in my pocket.

N: "... and mine."

click

N: "This should do. His number... better pick up, army man."

duuuuuuuu duuuuuuuu

...

beep

Recruiter: "Marine Corps Recruitment Center, 4th District Richmond Virginia, Sergeant Daniel Bennet.

How may I help you?"

N: "Sup Benny."

R: "... you."

N: "So what do you think, hm?"

...

R: "About what?"

N: "You got the photos?"

R: "No?"

...

...

...

N: "Dude you're fucking ruining it!"

R: "Woman, I'm using a '96 StarTAC!"

N: "Ew! You need me to send you a FAX or something!?"

R: "Why the hell are you even calling me?"

N: "There's touchscreens out already! Anything older than two years is a junk anyway!"

R: "You know I can just track down the signal and get the cops on you and your friend's sorry ass? You stole military documents! Government property!"

N: "Try me.

I have a stack of empty agreement forms that you finished ahead of time. All the 'I agree to' boxes scratched off. The kind of stuff your cattle needs to read back-to-back before handing over THEIR asses to you."

...

R: "That one's on me. Shit, got me by the sac.

What do you want?"

N: "Get me into Marines."

...

...

...

R: "Okay?

Couldn't we just do it like that from the start?"

N: "Bitch I was as serious as you were with us! And I wouldn't qualify myself if I were you either, so now you gotta make me passable."

R: "So what changed?"

N: "Life changed. And stuff.

...

I got nowhere to go but want to get away from this shithole. And maybe piss off my mom too."

...

R: Alright Cinderella, I'm writing up a new form."

N: "Good. Make me into... some butch-hunk-amazon-whatever. Pure like a virgin's tear and full of patriotism.

Like those crazy hillbillies with millions of support stickers on their pickups, just no Confederate flags."

R: "Mhm. You're going for the Reserve?"

N: "What's the difference?"

R: "You want to go home and be a civvie after the boot camp?"

N: "Fuck no, I'm all in!"

R: "Anything else?"

N: "How much rehab to pass the drug tests?"

...

R: "Depends. What stuff are you on?

N: "Robo, Fenty, Addies, Zannies, Oxy, Vic... I had a three day break though, only methadone now."

R: "Jesus Christ, why are you even trying...

...

Hair follicle test is your biggest roadblock. 90 days."

N: "No way. Even if I were to actually go clean, I'm going back the moment I'm in."

R: "We do make repeated screenings, you know that?"

N: "... shit. Whatever."

R: "If you want to get through it quicker, detox shampoo is your guy.

Except all of the expensive stuff is bullshit. You need the cheapest, smelliest, most gag inducing stuff that will ruin your hair. The more weird sounding acids, the better.

N: "Sounds wonderful."

R: "My mate did the DIY method of vinegar, salicylic acid, and powder detergent for a week. Cut him down to just 60 days."

N: "Just!? The fuck am I supposed to do in two months?"

R: "Work on your body through the summer to not end up in the Porkchops.

As for hair, you can always shave bald on the 30 day mark. Buzz cut by the time you'll roll in, fits the 'bitch' archetype."

N: "If I'll have to spend just a second looking like a chemo kid... I'm ending it right here and now."

R: "Then please do me a favor and jump off somewhere high enough.

Chicks shouldn't be in the military even on the white-collar level. You're already bad with the voting.

Only reason I'm going through this is because you have a gun to my head."

N: "So shut the fuck up and keep writing! Ugh give me that whole summer, I'll work it through."

R: "13-week starts on first Monday of the month. At MEPS, you'll get a motel room on Uncle Sam's expense. If you're taking mid-August for ASVAB, your basic will start at September 7th. You in?"

N: "Kinda late, but too late to pull out too. Mid-August."

R: "So be it. 10th. Skirt and a junkie, what this world has gone into...

...

Can I now get my papers back?"

N: "Uhh, I burned half of them before I changed my mind and snapped the pics?"

R: "GODDAMNIT WOMAN!"

Chapter Text

After all that, we met up at the Silver Dinner. This time I wasn't crawling in my own puke at the doorstep.

Nicole: "Four years... I'll be twenty two."

Recruiter: "If you won't decide to sprain your ankle on purpose to get out earlier of course.

On August 10th you will appear at Fort Greg-Addams. Evaluation, drug tests... The only thing I didn't have to fudge about is your criminal record. You're legit."

I had all the paperwork spoofed and explained to me by an old man whose career was at my gunpoint.

If this is what military can be, an unhealthy power trip over people's lives, I'm down for it.

Nicole: "Fort... not the fucking PG! I hoped to never see the place anymore.

Can't we just skip all that?"

R: "You're killing me...

I'm setting you up with every lie and advantage there is!"

N: "I mean, I've got some connections there, just... man I hate the place."

R: "That two month transformation idea of yours though? I think you're hopeless even for the National Guard.

Still, score the bare-minimum on ASVAB, pass the basic, and I'll drive to the Parris Island myself to salute my Sergeant ass to a fresh Private.

Now, your end of the deal."

slide

S L A M

N: "Half. Rest for a fifty bucks. I need a cab and food for a friend."

R: "Sly whore. Are all kids like this these days?"

s w i p e

N: "Here's the rest... but since you don't care about them, I'll keep the photos of those papers."

R: "Hey that wasn't the deal! Get back here!"

N: "Throw away that ancient brick of a phone then we'll talk again!"

I had to see Jecka at the hospital.

Not because of moral obligations of course

...

The fuck were you thinking?

Trauma from a dying dad was too much of an opportunity to pass on. I had to push that 'good friend' persona as much as possible. Make my bitchiness look like a high school only thing that passed the instant our fucked up social ladder was over.

It didn't.

Everything to keep her close, in debt, and full of guilt. I knew she would be my only reliable backup, even before the whole kicking out of the house deal. If neither of us were in a desperate and fucked up life situation, we'd both only see each other after that graduation encounter and never again.

Doctor: "Ma'am, it's still too early for any conclusions. The organs are stable and the blood is being artificially filtered. But even with healing abilities of a liver, 48 hours is still not enough to see any results."

Jecka's Mom: "There has to be something! I don't know, radiology!? Biopsy! They do it on House all the time!"

D: "Both procedures are both pointless and very straining. We're dealing with a physical damage that needs to work itself out.

After this surgery, we can only wait."

They were at the reception, talking with docs. Both blondie, with bags under their eyes, and demolished nails from all the biting. She really was one-to-one copy of her.

N: "Pssst! Hey!"

I shook that take-out bag of fries and BigMac like a cat feed to a stray.

Jecka: "..."

She sure looked like one. Or like a combat vet.

Funny to think about from perspective of time.

chomp nom nom

I never had a stress eating. I'd rather starve myself when ridden with guilt or pain over something. It's better to be a lean low-life than whatever my brother was.

But on that bench at the hospital's entrance, I knew she was chewing for both reasons. This must be what I looked like when she saved my sorry ass.

N: "Damn, I didn't take a drink... should I take one from the machine?"

J: "No. T... gulp... thanks."

N: "You're in a one fucked up spot and I'm bad at empathy so I won't sugarcoat it.

What are you two up to?"

J: "We... wait. Surgery put dad in a coma, there was blood poisoning from the liver damage, but no bacterial infection. It was busted into three pieces and sewn back together.

We don't know if he's making it or not."

Seriously, with nobody in my life to project 'getting shot' tragedy on... I kinda couldn't relate. Or care.

And I mean at the present time.

Dad doesn't count.

He did it to himself anyway.

J: ".. got any Xan? I could use a brain shutdown right now."

N: "Same, but... mom locked everything up in a safe."

All I'm getting is a rationed methadone and clonidine patches. With no school to buy or sell from anymore I'm down on luck. I also throw up and shit wet all the time."

c r u n c h

J: "Damn, rwelly? Behter twan being lohed-up in a rwewab yourshelw I guesh."

N: "You're spilling sauce on your tits."

J: "Mhm. Mom took my shit too... I mean hers... I mean she took it all at once.

...

When she found out about my boobie stash she hit me in the head with a spatula we use for pancakes. The metal one.

...

Pulled it right out, crushed up, and snorted on the spot. Bruise's covered with hair so I'm still pretty."

That one I could relate to. Had to touch my cheek. It wasn't swollen a whole lot but still warm to the touch. I barely had to fake anything.

N: "... Huh. That's not something you normally tell about her."

J: "Like, it's not the usual 'turn off the emotions' anymore for her. She took more than prescribed dose but never actually snorted... I saw people get crazy, OD all the time, and...

... if our life goes any worse, she's going down the deep end. I know it."

N: "Man, that's tough."

J: "Why won't you just break the thing open? It can't be a safe 'safe' right? Like the place you hide guns from a toddler, right?"

N: "I'm getting kicked out of the house in two weeks. I'll try on the second last day."

J: "Whoa, like... she won't let you get a job to stay?"

N: "Bitch beat me up so I guess she's serious."

...

...

J: "So, wanna rob the place together?"

N: "No? I like having a roof over my head?"

J: "Maybe some pharmacy then? I really need my fix."

N: "The fuck? That's not like the usual you. You're not that despe-"

J: "BITCH MY DAD IS FUCKING DYING! MOM IS THINKING OF DOING HARD DRUGS AND WE HAVE BARELY ANY INCOME LEFT! I AM DESPERATE!"

N: "And I'm sorry for it.

...

I couldn't finish the last time, but I wanted to really drive it home that I mean it.

Neither of us are ourselves right now. If you are blaming me, or worse, yourself for what happened to your Dad, then ple-"

J: "NonononicolenononoI'msorryI'msorryohmygosh ah! Hah! I'm sowwywhydidIsaythatohmygoooshhh aaaahhh!"

In ten seconds I had her crying into my chest. With my brain clear like never before I realized how a little of fake kindness can go a long way. Fuck yeah, Nicole the Kind and Helpful.

N: "Okay... okay. I never did that before, but... I'm here?"

J: "Bweeeeeeeeeeee!"

N: "You're getting my tits all teary. Go for the shoulder for a bit, hm?"

J: "BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

N: "... Yeah right."

J: "WHYISITHAPPENING! WHYISEVERYTHINGFALLINGAPART! IJUSTLEFTSCHOOLIMSCARED! IDONTWANTITNONEOFIT!"

N: "Keep crying, let it all out... I mean it, snuggling alone will make people think we're lesbos."

It sure took her a while. Got my shirt all covered in snot.

N: "Better?"

J: "Yeah... yeah. I'm sorry... y-your shirt-"

N: "I'll live. Now, get me some time to pay off your nails? Pretty pleeease~"

J: "Sure, yes yes yes I... hah. I was about to ask you too.

What are you up to yourself?"

...

...

...

Nicole: "I'm going to the Marines."

Chapter Text

Jecka: "What?"

Nicole: "I said I'm going to the Marines."

J: "Wait wait wait, where did that come from?"

N: "Gotta do something, yeah? I just enlisted."

J "... you're not... being serious right now."

N: "My MEPS paper right here. Two months and I'm off for-"

J: "aaaaaaAAAAAGHHHH! FUUUCK!"

N: "Whoa, Jesus stop screeching... uhh, still keeping it in? Need another hug?"

J: "No you retard! You're not supposed to say shit like this! Not so quick! Delay the reveal, blueball me or something, not smash my skull with it... gaaah! What the hell is wrong with you!?"

N: "Uhh...

I don't get it.

I thought the exact opposite would be best? Cut the crap and get to the point?"

J: "Bitch!?

No!?

I can't process the past three days of my life and you're throwing another boulder onto that pile!"

N: "What are you expecting me to do, talk like a cartoon? Exposition and monologue out loud?

Damn, do women really think like this?"

J: "Yes! You're not a dude for it to go over your head!"

N: "I'm not acting like a bitchy-ass blonde though."

J: "Aaaahh! This is stupid, gay, I don't know! I don't have a word for it anymore! There's so many ways to make cash, why that!? You-"

N: "... why do you care?"

...

N: "Besides having a trauma-induced mood swing and a SEVERE projection of calling ME a retard, why do you give a damn? Am I that important?"

J: "W-what question even is this!? You owe me shit and you'll probably fall into an even bigger debt later so I BETTER care!

Also, that's suicidal!"

N: "... duh?"

beep beep

J: "More than just 'I cut myself at school' suicidal! We did that shit because we couldn't pull through with life, to look cool, same reasons we took pills like candy!

Reactionary bitches like those anti-gun activists after mass shootings!"

N: "Done yet?"

J: "And now our school is over! Columbine had its tenth anniversary and that's it! There was a hype, but now it's out of style! It's done!"

N: "And that's exactly why I'm joining? To be something else than an emo junkie stuck with, I dunno, Emily? While you're out there, getting bachelor's degree and working out five times a week?"

J: "Didn't we make fun of this shit just a few days ago?"

buuuzzz bzzzz

N: "Yeah, but did you see that money dude?

Like, look at this flyer~

I know Afghanistan is in full go, but they don't let women into combat anyway."

J: "BITCH!? There are MILLIONS of things to do but that! Leech off dudes and dump them! Blackmail them for some more! You're a hot white chick!

Hot! White! CHICK!

Like that Al Pacino movie! The World Is Yours! Except nobody is gonna gun you down, unlike in the army!"

Damn, she actually watched it.

N: "Unless, you're like, at 7-Eleven, during an armed rob-"

J: "W-whatever! You're dodging the point! Do you really NOT give a shit!? Those horndogs that hadn't seen a live woman for months are gonna rip you to shreds in the showers and, and... shit!

What kind of crap hit you in the head to come up with this!? I saved your ass out of a seizure! If you want to die just kill yourself right here and now!"

N: "You're actually pointing it out, damn... I didn't think we're on that level."

...

J: "I saw you dying in my backseat. That's enough of an excuse to care."

N: "Whatever you think, remember that I'm always there fo-"

J: "Shut up, you're sarcastic, I can smell it, lame, lame, worked the first time, shut up, shut up... just...

...

Ugh, what are we even arguing about..."

N: "I was about to ask the same."

click
(5) NEW MESSAGE

J: "If you want things to stay 'okay' between us... just go away and let me think about stuff. I need time."

...

N: "Alright, but you sure you won't do anything stupid yourself? Like stealing to get your fix?"

J: "And why do you care?"

N: "College is gay as fuck, like why would you want more school?

It'd still be a shame to see you ruin it though."

J: "... I didn't think we're on that level."

N: "Pff~

Now, I have more things to do and only my legs to get around."

J: "You don't expect me to borrow my car again, don't you? It's getting fixed."

N: "Nah, I'll be needing these long walks from now on.

Damn, that shit's so out-of-character for me."

...

Nicole, honey.
I am a woman who made and still makes terrible mistakes in life.

And I'm not looking for any way to excuse myself before you.
What I did to you was horrible, unfair, and fueled by bad emotions.

Whatever I think of your current self, my goal was always to release you into the world ready to take on its challenges.
My poorly judged decision doesn't help you at all, and I'm sure there's alternative for both of us to come up with.

When you come back we can discuss your future like adults, one that I hadn't behaved like for the past few days. I guess I'll need my regular pills again.

I love you.
Just in case, dinner, tea, and meds will be at the table.

J: "Either way, don't fuck up your life any more."

N: "Oh I won't. And I might just be able to clutch this... see ya tomorrow!"

I jogged those miles to the house through the city center and even risked it going along the highway. With meds on, I was doing damn good. If I could just beg out a whole summer for myself, this story would have less logs thrown under my feet.

I expected something else out of life other than disappointment.

Should've known better.

Chapter Text

Nicole: "Hey ma, I'm back~"

I was home, ready to play her game on my own terms. So focused she immediately noticed something was up.

Nicole's Mom: "Yes, yes yes yes, you're here. Gosh I should've just given you the second dose on your way out. I can see you're trying to get out of this like never before, I swear I-"

N: "Yooo, mooom, reeelaaax~ You wanted to sit down and talk, right?"

NM: "Yes, two weeks isn't enough. I was spewing dumb things, this doesn't make sense, nothing does, what is this house even-"

N: "Sit. Down."

NM: "Haah... what were you up to today?"

N: "Oh, just took a long walk, met up with Jecka at the hospital, a few guys too..."

NM: "... I see?

Wait. No no no, here's tea, here's food, here's...

...

JEREMY! GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

...

^{Nicole's Brother: "What the hell do you want!?"}

NM: "Watch your damn mouth you manchild! There's a big change coming in this house and if you won't get down here right now you're the first one on the chopping block!"

The way she stormed upstairs to drag his bloated ass down was as serious as it could get.

stomp stomp
knock knock knock
click
rustle rustle
SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM
K I C K

^{NM: "I TOLD YOU THAT LOCKING YOUR ROOM IS OFF LIMITS! How many times do I have to say it!?"}

^{NB: "Get lost! I deserve privacy! And I didn't do nothing!"}

^{NM: "You never do ANYTHING!"}

Knowing there's no way to pull out this humanoid abomination out of its den without an offering, I got ready for a solo show. Just break the news and make a deal for a whole summer at the house.

NM: "Nicole... haah... aah... damnit. I won't pry them open. He's got a lock on his side, shit..."

N: "Now, take it easy, can't have your ticker popping just before the good news right?"

There was no way to fuck it up.

NM: "Hah, yes. That would be disappointing for sure.

...

Um, what were you up to that you're mentioning good news? Successful job hunting?"

N: "... you could put it that way."

I was on a roll. Cops, soldiers, all eating out of my hand. She'd be next in the web and even willingly, win-win for both of us.

NM: "Nicole, you're REALLY fixing your drug problem. This is unlike anything I've ever seen in you, since, ever.

Listen, all I said, it was pointless. If you're going to contribute by at least taking on a bit of expense-"

N: "With this one I'll be getting rid of your expenses on me altogether."

NM: "You're worrying me with that tone. Just what kind of business idea have you got in your mi-"

N: "The government."

...

NM: "Well I suppose 'the government is always right' rule applies. So what is it that you're going to do exactly?"

N: "Who knows? Once I'll pass the entrance exam they'll know what I'm good at."

I slid that piece of paper right under her nose like a checkmate. At the time I didn't know if I was trying to impress her or piss her off, probably changed my mind twice along the way.

RECRUITER: SGT. DANIEL BENNETT

MARINE CORPS RECRUITMENT CENTER

4TH DISTRICT RICHMOND VIRGINIA

NICOLE SMITH

ELIGIBLE FOR SERVICE

DUE AUGUST 10TH 2009, 8:00 AM

FORT GREGG-ADAMS MEPS, 2011 SUSTAINMENT AVE, VA 23801

N: "Pretty neat, huh?

I had the recruiter onto me just by talking, met him on my way out on the last day, he's uh... friendly guy. Totally sane and not repulsive too."

Now I know I clearly did the latter.

NM: "... Is this how you take my kindness?"

And the problem with playing chess against mentally deranged.

N: "Well, yeah? You'll have a topic to chit-chat about with those gossiping hags at work, patriotism never hurt anybody. And of course I'll have mysel-"

NM: "IS THIS HOW YOU FUCKING REPAY ME!?"

N: "Uhh, excuse me? You'll have me out of the house too?"

NM: "OH YOU'LL BE OUT OF THIS HOUSE IN SECONDS WITH THAT SMUG I ASSURE YOU!"

...

N: "Geez, mom. What's the problem?"

NM: "I SPENT EIGHTEEN YEARS RAISING YOU! IF YOU WANTED TO ACTUALLY GET YOURSELF KILLED YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME!"

Is that they can make up rules on the spot.

N: "Whoa, I'll still pretend that you are mentally sane and continue.

Do you think they'll have me doing war and stuff? Women are banned from the infantry, I'll be at like an, office, or something."

NM: "EXCUSES! YOU WANT TWO DECADES OF MY LIFE TO GO TO WASTE!? WAY TO BETRAY YOUR ONLY PARENT!"

And flipping the table on your head may be one of them.

N: "Mom, I'm coming to you with the most fucking RESPONSIBLE thing in my life and you're immediately going off the rails! Go take your pil-"

S M A C K

Or leaving you with a black eye.

NM: "I will not tolerate this insanity any longer! You have zero respect for me, my life's work, and the time I put into raising you!"

N: "What even is this?! At least come up with something other than gibberish! Do you hate the Army, Marines, women serving!?

For fuck's sake, for the first time in my life I'm making more sense than you! I don't even have to lie!"

SLAP
SHOVE

...

N: "... I see now.

The true colors thing? Those mood swings?

You're projecting."

NM: "Drop this nonsense this instant! Agh- Army is not the place I see you at! You will ruin everything I've done-"

N: "Thighs YOU'VE done? Like, I am not a person anymore? You're the one not making sense! Kicking me out is a-okay but not me getting out on my own?

NM: "THIS ISN'T A CHOICE OF A RESPONSIBLE ADULT!"

N: "And who the hell is grading those? You? Like you are one!

You're projecting so fucking hard because you're mentally ill! Before you at least made sense and I just didn't give a shit, now-"

P U N C H

...

N: "Closed fists, huh... not gonna lie, it feels almost wrong to call someone a retard and be right on the mone-"

SMACK SMACK SLAP

N: "STOP HITTING ME YOU BITCH!"

NM: "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!? BETRAY ME LIKE THAT!? THROWING AWAY EVERYTHING I STOO-"

N: "WHAT AM I BETRAYING!? You're off your meds!"

GRAB
THROW
z o o m
C R A S H

N: "Not onto the floor anymore? Glass in my face? No more games?

Fuck yeah let's do it! I always wanted to see it go down!"

SHOVE RUSTLE
TRIP
CRUSH

N: "Who'll break first!? My twig body or your fucked up heart!?"

PUNCH
CRACK
CRASH

NM: "AAAAAAHHH! I SHOULD HAVE SCRUBBED YOU! YOU'D BE BETTER OFF STILLBORN!"

N: "And dad should have taken all three of us with him!"

...

NM: "..."

N: "Yeah. Back when I knocked on his door.

Instead of that cookie monster magnet the first thing I should have seen should be the end of a barrel.

After me, he should've gone to our house as we were moving.

First you, then the fatso. He'd be the last one to notice. Finally himself.

...

N: "What's that? Throwing hands with your daughter is a-okay but now you're gonna cry?

Woooowww~ Congratulations, MOMMY!

I actually PITY YOU FOR ONCE!"

NM: "GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!"

RUSTLE
BOUNCE
CRACK

N: "What the..."

PUSH
SHOVE
PULL

N: "... what the fuck!?"

NM: "You don't belong here anymore! IF THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU THEN YOU'RE OFF FOR THE GODDAMN STREET!"

N: "... hng -ah! No! Mom! W-wai..."

GRAB
RUSTLE
THROW
T U M B L E

S L A M

N: "Haah... hah... hah..."

knock knock knock
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

N: "Mom! At least let me grab my stuff! Or just throw it out through the window!?"

NM: "Nothing here is yours! Everything you ever had you owe to my work!"

N: "Half of my room is paid by my paid dates with teachers!"

NM: "GET LOST YOU UNGRATEFUL DIPSHIT!

ONE MORE MINUTE ON THIS PORCH AND I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

...

...

...

^{Nicole's Brother: "Yo, I'm... what happened he-"}

^{NM: "What are you doing here!? What are you looking at!?"}

^{NB: "You... told me to go down?"}

^{NM: "STOP TURNING THE ISSUE AROUND! WHEN I TELL YOU TO GET OUT OF YOUR ROOM YOU DO IT THE INSTANT I SAY SO!"}

^{NB: "Shit, mom... Uhh, where's Nicky?"}

^{NM: "GET BACK TO YOUR FILTHY HOLE!"}

^{NM: "Damn... alright..."}

...

That did not go as planned.

Chapter Text

Out on the streets, crawling my ass out of the suburb at 11 p.m.
Sweet graduation gift.
I guess she promised me that one day this would happen.

Nicole: "You bitch..."

Nothing on besides jeans, second hand t-shirt, twelve bucks, and last bar on the phone battery. Worst of all, I was seconds away from swallowing the methadone pills next to my food. And I only got two bites of it anyway.

N: "You unhinged, unstable, hypocritical..."

It was just like day one. World gets wobbly, blurred, tunneled. Shit's spinning and twisting, you feel like your guts are on fire while sweating ice. Body refuses to work and you can't walk straight.

N: "... gaslighting, stupid fucking WHORE!"

It really is a hellhole. In both directions, nothing but the same house-and-garage copy stretching for miles. All hail zoning laws, at least we had a sidewalk wider than a used condom.

HURK! HEEUEEH! COUGH!

But however I tried to use that sidewalk, I ended up in the middle of the road with a trail of vomit behind. And with nothing to hang on, I dropped face first onto the asphalt.

N: "Blef... cough! Ugh, ah... haah..."

I could drag myself to the nearest house, but our entire street had 'FOR SALE' all over it. 2009 threw shit into the running fan, neighbors couldn't pay up their mortgage and only we managed to hang on.

N: "Maybe getting dragged away by cops was a better idea... damn, I should've stayed and kicked on the door."

So, now crashed under a lamp post, and again in my own spew, I got down to possibilities:

Night shift father not noticing me and thinking I was a speed bump?
Some sicko pulling the unconscious me into the treeline and using like a cum sleeve until I break?
Another hurtle of puke making me suffocate?

N: "I'm not dying... a fucking Breaking Bad reference... I'm not... !!!"

B U U L E E E E G H

...

N: "Haah... nhaa... fuck."

Answer seemed much simpler.

N: "... t-that's it?"

Asphalt was sucking me cold through the fabric like a vampire.

N: "Damn, I somehow didn't skip that one class, eh..."

Remembering art in your last moments has to be the most nerd shit imaginable.

N: "Little Match Girl's way..."

But, other then her being pure and me being a sociopath, were the two of us really that different?

Besides.

N: "Ha. Might as... well..."

You don't think of something being cliche when it's happening to you

N: "So... tell me... nnnghhh! Aahh!"

The train was leaving and I was all aboard. I spent all the gas I got to turn on my back.

N: "Heeeeyyyy~"

It felt good. I had no worries. No pressure. It was the moment.

N: "You really... up there?"

The moment I had a few times in my life already.
Where I felt it was really happening and I couldn't turn back.
My back and butt were already dead numb.

N: "... d-"

After looking up into the sky long enough, I got to see the stars through the lamp light above me.

N: "... dad."

...

...

...

N: "Damn."

I don't know what the other side is like. But bitchslap with a greasy Subway wrapper is too specific of a greeting for either heaven or hell.

N: "... my back. Ugh."

No pearly gates, no fire and brimstone. I promised to kill myself before getting old many times, and the early taste of waking up in your 40's only reinforced that.

N: "Where the fuck... what time is it... battery's dead. Shit!"

Mouth dry like after a short couch nap, solid vomit peeling off my lips and collar, and I was so thirsty I could throw away my American heritage and drink an actual water instead of coke.

N: "Huff... so, no hypothermia but... I'm really gonna go through cold in the middle of June.

Hurk! Pfo!"

I hadn't moved an inch for seven hours. Summer sun came quick enough to warm up the ground and save me from freezing. It had to be five something in the morning.

Achoo~!

N: "I was... sniff, haah! Free for the taking for seven hours and nobody..."

No rescue, no getting fucked to death, no legs flattened by tires.

Nothing.

I really had no value to the world, not even in the negatives.

N: "When you drill into a girl's head that all value she has is how tight she is... SNORT!

G-gotta hurt.

Mmgnh, now get up, get up, get up... !

YaaaAAAAGHHH!

Haah! Oh yeah, yeah... aah, spine's cracking like I'm six divorces in."

Sluuuurp~
Lick~ Schlup~
Nom~ Schlop~

N: "I'm a pretentious bitch that needs expensive stuff to stay cool but-"

b u u u r p

N: "Costco's dollar-fifty hotdog is the best shit ever invented.

I don't give a fuck if being seen at wholesale is a social killer, this is the peak of humanity. Like dude, in twenty years, if it's staying the same, it's gonna be worshiped more than-"

...

...

...

CNN: VIRGINIA MAN DIES IN A HOSPITAL AFTER BRUTAL ROAD RAGE SHOOTING

...

N: "Oh no."

I spent my last six bucks on getting to the hospital as fast as I could.

Chapter Text

Hospital entrance was flooded with journos and satellite trucks. On top of that two protest mobs from opposite spectrums ready to rip each other a new one. Black-on-white violence is a prime cut after all.

MSNBC Reporter: "As you can see, masses have already gathered at the Inova Fairfax Hospital to express their disdain for violence that-"

Some two hundred mouths yapping total.

Black Protester: "You will turn this into a race war! Like you always do!"
White Hooligan: "Shut the fuck up you no way inside, cops walled off the entrance for everyone other than ambulance. Which kinda didn't make sense, and I probably could go around to one of the many other doors, but... lack of drugs really fucks you up.

Seriously, if you really gotta start, just stick to it.

CNN Reporter: "... led to a demise in just over forty-eight hours. It is a tragedy that has shaken the local community."
FOX Reporter: "Our insider source states that the cause of death was not the gunshot itself, but a blood transmitted disease coming from one of the assailants.

This raises a very serious and important question: has the organized black crime weaponized STD's against us?"

Nicole: "Excuse me, excuse me... goddammit! An actual injured here! I need to get through!"

Drug withdrawal, seven hours on asphalt, and a cold fucked me all over. Didn't get a chance to look in the mirror so I can't imagine how I looked like. My steps couldn't be longer than a foot and it felt any random shove would break me in half.

White Hooligan: "... you're talking mad shit to someone whose gramps owned your gramps, monkey boy!"

My first obstacle: 5.6 blonde manlet (think Kylar with the physique of Crispin) in a leather jacket hiding a White Pride shirt, and a "STAY ON YOUR YARD" protest banner with a wooden bat serving as a pole.

N: "Dude, could you get out of my way? I'm sick!"

WH: "Fuck do you want!?"

N: "Get through!? I'm in a fucking emergency!"

WH: "Oh, so you with 'em? Race traitor, eh? You're supporting the dirty n-"

N: "-ice talking with such a... proud... uhh... warrior of our people. You must be... Heeeyyy~ that's a nice looking shirt under there!"

The moment I pointed at his chest, he hid himself like a prude bitch after losing her bikini.

WH: "Oh. Thanks, um..."

N: "I always liked the cross symbolism~"

WH: "Yeah, me too..."

N: "Makes you feel empowered by... the God, y'know, the noble cause, the... the crusade... fight for your tribe..."

WH: "T-totally man..."

N: "Hm, I think my photography teacher had one just li-"

Wh: "... listen babe, they're supposed to be an, uh, surprise. For when the ghetto boys start trouble, so uh..."

N: "No problem, man! I just have to-"

Cough!
Khef!
Sneeze!

WH: "Yo. Girl. You good?"

N: "No, not really. I'm sick, this..."

Fake it until you make it.

N: "... this man was my friend's dad. I was there in the area when it happened, saw those gangsters driving away! I am the one who called the cops after shooting!"

Another Hooligan: "Oh man. I'm so sorry. It's such a tragedy to our people!"

I mean, I'm not taking much credit for it. It was like lying to a kindergartner.

N: "T-totally man! I was trying to pull him out of the car, got smeared all over with blood! And now I'm sick, I-"

WH: "Did you say blood?"

N: "Yeah? The black one? The one from the live-"

WH: "No way! He got you too!?"

N: "... he did?"

AH: "Shit! These motherfucking █████! Afros! Fucking gator bait!"

And my lies got them riled up pretty good.

WH: "He splashed you with his black blood! It's got HIV and shit!"

N: "... black blood? Yeah, it pours from the li- wait, HIV?"

AH: "Didn't you hear? White guy kicked it because of the blood infection he got from the little █████ nailing the bigger █████ first!

Also, please stay away from me."

N: "... ah, yeah! Yes he did! I know! H-he totally got me! Look how pale I am! Shaking! That's why I gotta get to the hospital!"

So, like I hadn't just went through that before, I followed up. Amped them up so much...

WH: "First they're killing us, then our women!"

AH: "We gotta tell this to the boss!"

N: "... o-okay? Tell him? Yeah! Just do it quick, I gotta get in before that stuff kills me!

... wait, is that the fucking Mr. Whi-"

"GET THEM! ██████! FUCK 'EM UP!"
"FUCKING █████ █████!"
"██████ PICKING ██████!"
"███████ WATERMELON █████ ██████!"

... that I may have started a small race war.

THROW
CRASH
SWING
C R U N C H
"Jesus Christ!"
TACKLE

In some five seconds there was an all-out riot of people beating each other to a pulp.

PUSH

N: "Ugh... !"

I got away with only a light shoulder that sent me down to the pavement...

"EAT SHIT! STONE THE ███████!"
"CHARGE!"
"Wait-"
RUMBLE RUMBLE
"Hng... Kof!"
KICK
"Uhk...!"
STOMP STOMP STOMP

... and while on the ground, I was nearly stomped to death like during a club fire. I just couldn't catch a break.

"Stop! Order!"
"Dispatch! Shit just went FUBAR at Inova Fairfax! We need backup!"
"Get off him! I warned you!"
"STOP RESISTING!"
"Taser. Taser! TASER!"
PHOM
TKTKTKTKTKTK
"AAAAAAGHHH!"

But with cops busy and paparazzi scrambling, I could limp my way over to the doors like a rapper after taking eight shots to the back.

Inside same shit as everyday, except for the doctors barricading themselves or leaving through the back. It made the hysteric blondie at the reception even more obnoxious.

Jecka's Mom: "HOW IS IT A DANGEROUS ACTIVITY!? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! WHAT PART OF THE POLICY IS THIS!?"

Like she hadn't looked terrible right when it happened two days ago, now she was sulking in a lobby corner two bad jokes away from throwing herself off the top floor.

N: "Jecka. Hey, I... heard the news."

Jecka: "Oh hi you look like shit.

You did? So did half of the US. Good job."

...

N: "Oh come on... I am trying here. So-"

J: "The 'news' is on all the cables and radios. Did you sleep under a rock or something?"

N: "What the fuck did you just say to me!?"

...

N: "I got kicked out of home three days after graduation and nearly froze to death IN JUNE!

The second thing I did after waking up on the asphalt is spend my last dollar to rush to some blondie cowtits to whom I have NO obligations for!"

J: "Bitch, you still owe me a nailjob and a bottle of Addie-"

N: "FUCK YOUR ADDIES! Me! The uncaring sociopath! Doing something out of nothing more than-"

J: "-you put such an emphasis on the 'I'm a good person' part that only a horny dude would fall for that. You can do better."

N: "And that's all you have to say!?"

J: "Okay, wow, participation reward. My dad died and you 'almost' did. You're special.

Unless you're still not out of the 'killing yourself is cool' phase, because I sure as hell am back in it."

N: "To get in here I had to start a FUCKING RACE WAR and my brain was nearly CURBSTOMPED by a horde of charging skinheads!"

J: "The backdoor's open, duh? Like ten of them all over the hospital?"

...

Alright fine, I needed to take it out on someone and you're the second best thing that came up this morning."

N: "You know what? Eat a dick.

I hope that with him gone, your life's gonna get fucked all over."

creak
s l i i i d e e e
sit

N: "What's your next move?"

sigh

J: "Mom's talking with our insurance company. They somehow found a way to withhold the money. She..."

N: "... amped up on something?"

J: "Heroin. Got three hours of sleep for all I know."

N: "Nailed it."

J: "... she says we'll need a lawyer. Problem is, if this goes to court we'll take a setback on our mortgage."

N: "Oh I can feel that. But weren't you well off before?"

J: "Like what? Saving up? We spent everything we had to be a class above than we actually are. All that was left they pumped into the house or my allowance."

N: "So what's your first fallback?"

J: "Sell dad's stuff I guess. Tons of tools in good shape. No one will buy his shot up Bronco so it's getting scrapped.

Besides money, I think it'll make things... easier."

N: "Now that I think about it, I'm glad I didn't keep anything after mine."

J: "Not even some necklace, or... ?"

N: "In the long run, he was a dickhead. And for better or worse, it's best to not dwell on the past too much.

Just pop pills daily, smoke, get shitfaced. It works at making you forget."

chuckle

J: "Says someone who's been clean for four days already. How's the experience?"

N: "Fucking awful. I wanted to die under that lamp. Little NOVA Match Girl. Tried to make the news, y'know? Your pops beat me to it though."

J: "You're a horrible, desensitized, untactful sociopath, Nicole."

J: "That's... nicest someone has ever been to me.

Thanks."

N: "Mhm. Praise me more."

J: "Ah get fucked, pff~

...

... but what's your Plan B?"

N: "Yeah, about that-"

JUMP

N: "-what?"

J: "So you want something from me!?"

N: "Yeah?"

J: "I can't believe it! You're... ugh!"

N: "Relax, I only need a drive."

J: "I swear, you're a fucking snake-"

N: "You're the one who told me to keep it transactional? Nothing's free, duh?"

sit

J: "I can't even..."

N: "Listen, I'm the homeless one here. And you're getting, what, a five hundred grand? Wait no, that's for elderly... two hundred?"

J: "Just one. With a high-hazard workplace he was insured since 21, but now that he's gone just barely after 40..."

N: "I'm sure you'll get that payout in no time. If my hag kicks the bucket, which I'd love to see, I'll have to wait until I'm 35 for my trust fund."

J: "That's still better than getting screwed over by an army of lawyers when you can't get even one..."

...

N: "So we're going or not?"

J: "Bitch!? Did you forget I smashed my car while saving your sorry ass?"

N: "So take your mom's?"

J: "Fuck, she's gonna kill me..."

N: "You're doing her a favor. Not even I would risk the wheel on the hard stuff."

J: "You don't drive in the first place."

N: "Because I have you?"

...

J: "Ah fuck it.

I can't take this place anymore. She screams I have to sit here to help her but can't actually do anything. She's so cracked that after the kitchen incident I'm honestly... not trying her. Made me into a fucking Princess Peach.

Whatever, she'll burn that crackhead power on walking home."

N: "That's the spirit. Let's unwind you a little."

J: "Yeah. Where are we going?"

N: "Lake Royal."

J: "Just what exactly are you looking for?"

N: "A big ass tree with two coke cans nailed on a branch. I also took a photo but phone's dead, so.."

J: "Way to mark your treasure for some junkie, huh."

N: "Those are the cul-de-sacs, homeless are chased out harder than Mexicans crossing the border."

J: "And why the tire iron?"

N: "Because I need something to dig with and your mom doesn't have a shovel in her trunk like a normal person?"

J: "Why would an equivalent of a soccer mom need one anyway? Those tires never touched a gravel path, let alone gone off-road."

N: "Whatever... there! The cans are still up there!"

rustle rustle
...
SWING
chop
chop
crunch
chop
chop
...
chop
...
chop

N: "A little help here?"

J: "You do that shit. Clean it up like that flower pot."

N: "Now that's low. It was just some dirt, move on, like who cares-"

J: "Alright, unwinded, going back. Maybe mom won't even notice I took her wheels..."

N: "No wait! You at least gotta see this!"

crack
chop
stretch
...
streeetch
...
streeeeetch

N: "Payoff... is gonna be huge! Ngh!"

J: "Goddammit, not only are you flatter than me but you're also built like Jeffrey. Give me that."

STREEEEETCH
"Nnnnnghh!"
POP
CRUNCH

N: "Oh yeah! I still don't know how I put it under that root. Box's still intact."

c r e a k

J: "So wa'cha got there? Retirement fund or-"

...

J: "You brought me here to dig up a COKE STASH!?!?"

N: "Shut it! Nobody has to hear this!"

J: "Yeah, no they shouldn't! We're in the middle of a 'white-moms-walking-dogs' park! There are people doing BBQ behind this tree line! This should be done in the middle of night in balaclavas or something!"

N: "If I brought you one and told what we're doing would you actually agree?"

J: "Fuck!"

N: "Shit got wet though, it's like a gooey dough... maybe I just need to run it with a hairdryer? Damn, can coke rot in the first place?"

J: "I don't care if coke can rot in the first place... fuck, fuck, FUCK! Haaa... aaah... !"

N: "Dude, you're hyperventilating. Chill out."

J: "How the FUCK am I supposed to chill out!? This is the same stuff you made me cook crack with!

Fuck, even the package is still the MS-13 one!"

N: "I know. Should've gotten it all into zip-bags but I was in a hurry... yeah it's a lost cause.

What a waste."

J: "This is LITERALLY our neighborhood! You don't shit where you eat! Even Breaking Bad got that part right!"

N: "That's for the actual deals. Hiding your rocks is like store robberies. Guys start out far away and then get bolder until the trail leads to their home. Flip it, and cops lose their heads."

J: "Where the fuck do you learn all of this stuff!?"

N: "I googled it? Like how to freebase in the first place?"

J: "... no, no, no, no... you are NOT getting me into another PG county drug deal! Ah shit!"

N: "There's nothing to make rocks on in the first place, so no... but there's this.

Cha-ching madafaka."

4100$

N: "Okay, let's bounce before anyone comes sniffing around."

J: "What about this then?"

...

grab
step
stepstepstepstepstepstep
...
s w o o p
...
...
...
S P L O O S H

J: "YOU THREW A POUND OF COKE INTO A FUCKING PARK LAKE!?"

N: "Louder! Call it by full name while you're at it!"

N: "It was like third of a pound anyway. Most was just moisture."

swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe
swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe
stack
tap tap

J: "Two hundred for me and we're even."

N: "Oh come on, that's a terrorist level extortion!"

J: "Two. Hundred.

That or no car."

...

N: "Fine... so, minus two hundred... plus my wallet I got through bro, how unexpectedly kind of him."

J: "Except for that Dorito grease on his fingers.

I almost threw up."

N: "Mhm, plus whatever's on my account. Mom fucking cut the card in half and put it back in."

J: "That's bitchy."

N: "Minus...

... clonidine and methadone. Supply for two months."

J: "So you're going clean?"

N: "..."

sigh

N: "Like guys trying to stop jacking off, I'm lucky to get a four days streak. Might as well try to commit."

J: "I still can't believe you're saying this. What's wrong with you? Drugs are cool."

N: "Because otherwise I'm off for the streets?"

J: "Like that's a bad thing, just... ah yeah, your... army, stuff. You think you're gonna qualify?"

N: "I have to."

J: "Why?"

N: "..."

J: "Alright, so how much do you get?"

N: "Forty hundred seventy two, and ninety two cents."

J: "Damn, you're broke as fuck."

N: "I can't imagine living on two grand per month with rent already paid and... aaagh, I'm fucked so bad.

... I should just sell myself on the internet."

J: "I heard Emily was good at this... listen, I'd be down for housing you. Like, a grand could do, but-"

N: "But... ?"

J: "Mom's still tripping on heroin! She can't handle hard stuff and sent me NINETEEN texts already! SEVEN missed calls before that!

Look at this shit!"

beep

N: "That is seriously fucked up. She's the last person I'd expect to act like that."

J: "Yeah! I don't think I'll survive picking her up AND I HAVE TO! Stranger on a ride home... sorry, I just can't."

N: "How thoughtful... I still need to come up with something for myself though."

Chapter Text

Jecka: "Any idea of what could that be?"

Nicole: "I mean, if I really have to, I'll just do the top-favors. For a summer I think I could handle it..."

J: "Sober though? Not sure about that. Seriously, call Emily if that's your choice. Her MySpace is a whole hub for guys asking favors.

Don't know if she's gonna live long with how unhinged she got later in the year though."

N: "Why thank you for reassuring me into fucking strangers to survive."

J: "Hey, you don't have to go into the deep stuff right away.

You've still got two grand per month, right? Dry dates, handjob in a public toilet here and there, some guys are into humping legs and-"

N: "Don't even remind me..."

J: "What, already got the experience?"

N: "Remember when I told you about the cops Lynn sent after me to PG? My second day selling crack?"

J: "Oh yeah, what ab-

...

oh...

...

... lost your v-card for getting off the hook?"

N: "Virginity is overrated as fuck, but no. I was ready for that, but when I flirted with that man in blue he said he wanted my shoes."

J: "... what for?"

N: "So he told me to do a run back and forth on the street where he could see. 'Like I'm running from the long arm of the law'.

Then some squats, jumping jacks, take off my sneakers and-"

J: "Okay, Jesus Christ, fuck... ugh-"

N: "I know. At least he got his rocks off all by himself behind a dumpster. I bailed so he wouldn't go back on his word."

J: "So that's why you came back barefoot!? Oh God... what the fuck is wrong with this country..."

N: "Mhm. And we thought the mall cop was the the one with a loose screw-"

J: "We!?

WE!?

D-don't ever mention him again!"

N: "Relax. I'm the one carrying a bullet in my leg."

J: "Why did you... uugh! Why did you have to remind me!?"

N: "Did you seriously not get over it already? Melodramatic much?"

J: "I HAD A THERAPY TWICE A DAY FOR A YEAR TO HANDLE THIS SHIT! And I'm sober now too! Agh, I need something. Anything. Xan or-"

swip swip
shwooo
...
sizzle
p f f f
...

N: "Will do?"

J: "Gee, thanks."

grab

J: "- wha"

h u u u f f f

N: "Phfo~"

...

J: "Damn, a cigarette kiss."

N: "Gotta count every penny now."

J: "... you're off the rails Nicole."

huuufff

N: "More than usual?"

J: "First you're telling me you're going to the army, that you're getting clean, and now you're acting gay as fuck!"

N: "Gay? You're the one jumping to conclusions. What're you, Coach Colby? Counselor much?"

J: "Dude wanted us to make out in his office!

But less about that! W-when did this even happen!? You're not yourself, completely out of character!"

N: "You're overthinking things. I'm not planning on being a better person, duh? Now that I don't have either an unhinged bitch or a fat nonce over my head I can last a bit without pills. Marines are a perfect fit for a narcissist that barely passed school. Like me.

I just need a direction in life."

J: "Yeah, a really fucking weird one! One that made you do a big one-eighty. Did you smash your head in? Was it during our car crash?"

hoooo

N: "Y'know, that actually makes a lot of sense."

puffff

J: "Maybe instead of putting away the opioids you should have a brain tomography or something?"

N: "Eeeehhh, not really."

J: "Without calling you a retard again, brain damage is serious shit. I can't imagine a sudden withdrawal mixing well together."

N: "Stuff they pumped me with during the first seizure had anticoagulants. If I had an internal bleeding I'd be dead the same day."

J: "And now you're speaking Grey's Anatomy outta nowhere!"

N: "Grey's sucks, watch House. Dude is literally me as fuck.

Anticoagulants plus a secret injury is a common plot for the episode."

...

J: "But tell me, if not a brain damage, then what?"

N: "Not that."

J: "Then what!?"

Chamber of reflections.
Nude body missing flesh and face.
Tree of choices where the results are either mediocrity or misery.
So much self-loathing that the only laughing faces in the mirrors are yours.
Over and over and over again.

...

But I don't want to die.

J: "Yo, Earth to Nicole?

I hate to use Jeffrey's catchphrase but you're really hitting me with that thousand yard stare right now."

N: "PG."

J: "PG what?

Let me guess, Franconia Station again?"

N: "Yes... that might actually be it.

I keep trash-talking the place, but it might be the thing I need!"

J: "Is this some crackhead revelation, or-"

N: "You're a fucking genius! Damn right it is! Hahaha... AHAHAHA!"

J: "O... okay?"

N: "Quick, get in the car! I'm not doing it after dark!"

...

J: "... what not doing drugs does to a bitch, huh."

J: "So your magnificent plan.

Is to find a place to rent.

In a black hood.

Is that correct?"

N: "Not saying I'm liking it, but did you see those prices? Single room, 600 per month, spitting distance to DC. And it's not even the 'deep' hood, just the outski-"

J: "Nicole they'll fucking kill you!"

N: "Whoa, caring momma all the sudden? Should've just let me sleep at your place then. I'd pay up."

J: "I can't! Not yet!"

N: "I'd be a literal net profit for your mom! Ugh, any other suggestions besides giving thighjobs to fat fucks?"

J: "My suggestion is to know your limits!

We're two white bitches from HOA suburbs! Those streets are gonna rip you apart!"

N: "Uhh, racist much? They know me and aren't so bad, I sold them crack dirt cheap. We're gonna be friends."

J: "There are no friends in 'da hood' Nicole!

Slightest sign of weakness? You're dead!

Pulled out your wallet too slow? You're dead too!

Passed by a horny gangster? He's not gonna take no for an answer!

And I'm not even talking about the random violence or gang crossfire!"

N: "This is the most Ms. Ames shit I've ever heard from mouth of someone else than her.

Where did you learn all of this hood creed though?"

J: "Black hobo in front of Star Bucks told me all this while high on acid.

He shit his pants and died before I got my order."

N: "Cool."

J: "... am I really not pulling you out of this one?"

N: "Nope."

J: "Well can't say I didn't try. I think I can sleep well now even if you get killed."

N: "The only life in danger tonight is yours. Try not to get that ladle bent when your mom smacks your skull again."

J: "Oh my god you fucking suck byeee~"

N: "Take care."

N: "I mean the place still sucks but-"

sniiifff
^{...
woof woof bark bark bark
...
...
...
BLAM BLAM BLAM
...
"HIYAAAAHHH!"
...
weeewooo weeewooo}

N: "-haaah, it sure is nostalgic though."

...

...

...

N: "Where's that safespot though-"

???: "Yo, white girl!"

N: "Welp, so much for my story."

???: "Pssst, heeeyyy!"

The moment I heard some shady looking guy (not because he's black though) following me, I gave up.
Cold and withdrawal? No way I'd outrun him.

N: "Guess she was right. Goodbye cruel wo-"

???: "Nicky! White girl! It's me!"

...

N: "Hey... what's... good?"

???: "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy!!!"

N: "Hee... eeey?"

???: "Nicky girl! It's me! Don't you remember!?

It's your first client!"

...

N: "Holyshit, Slime!?"

Chapter Text

Nicole: "Slime, it's really you!

This gotta be my luckiest day in this fucked up week-"

CLAP
shake shake

Slime(?): "Eeeeeeyyyy, Nicky, baby girl, I'm Slime no more!

It's Slush now!"

N: "Slush, huh. Why the change?"

Slush: "Why, I got a whole makeover of course! I'm clean, turned my life around, and have a whole career going now! Legit business baby!"

N: "Clean? Like, completely?"

S: "I'm keepin' my cool on ganja, but only the homegrown stuff. Organic, pure, my own baby! None of that mid or laced stuff."

N: "Like, is weed even a drug anyway? Can't get yourself killed on it. Government should just legalize that shit."

Alleyway Gangster: "Tru for sho! You spittin' girl!"

S: "Waddup fool! Check this out, our favorite white girl is back in the hood!"

AG: "Aaaaaayyyyy~!"

N: "Completely clean... that's... actually comforting. I mean, if you can do it then so do I.

How long did it take?"

S: "Took a while baby. I relapsed, puked my guts out, lost my zen for half a year."

N: "Six months... well I've only got two, but I'm not hooked on the hard stuff. As long as I get my withdrawal sauce I should live."

S: "Ooohhh, rock and a hard place Nicky girl?"

N: "You could say that. It's just this summer though."

S: "Been there baby, been there... so you're looking for a place to crash?"

N: "Any place.

I'm tight on cash, got no rocks, and I had to dump my flour so I can't cook anymore."

S: "Ah, I go'chu Nicky! Say, you up for a shared room?"

N: "I'd rather... not. If I can find something private for a six hundred-"

S: "Four hundred."

...

...

...

N: "No way."

S: "I'm fo real, Nicky!

I got a two-room just for you! My fool's running low-income apartment blocks at Fairmount Heights. He owes me a favor and, since you're staying for so short I could... convince him to treat a mutual friend right, eh?"

N: "Selling crack really has its merits, what a fucked up life lesson... eight hundred for two rooms...

That's a steal!"

S: "Baby, the deals we've made were the steal!

I never did all the stuff you've sold me! Made a BUCK on those Pharma Rocks of yours hahahaha~"

Hood didn't change one bit when I was there a year ago. I know it was just a month of 'business trips' but I still found the place more interesting than those copy-paste suburbs full of cardboard parents who pretend they're not one argument away from a divorce.

I guess I fell for its charm.
There was always something going on and I was up for it.

S: "It's in good shape. Plasma, DVD, solid kitchen, bathroom got a fresh plaster and tiles. Main room still could use some cleaning though. Family of four lived there. Divorce, she took the kids, y'know the drill-"

N: "Yeah but I'm yet to meet a guy that didn't deserve the kids to be taken.

Hate to ask, but where's the catch?"

S: "Like I said, you'll need to give it a good scrub. Boys got rid of the most bits but some may still be hidden somewhere. You'll definitely need bleach. Maybe hire a maid or a local hooker, latter are cheaper."

N: "Now that it's not a chore that my old hag bitches about all the time, I think I can clean my dump for once alone.

Shit it's getting late, could you give me a ride to a local pharmacy? I still have the prescription paper."

S: "Sorry Nicky, got business to run. You can call in tomorrow. Here, my new number."

slide

N: "Business card. Fancy.

Well, I'll get my supply tomorrow. Thanks a lot man."

S: "See ya around white girl~"

drrriiinnnggg

Receptionist: "Who's dat?"

N: "New tenant? I'm from Slush?"

R: "Ah, white baby! Come in!"

skreeeeee
clang

N: "Eight on the first floor, ten more above. Steel bars and doors on the outside, yellow paint, cracked walls here and there...

Brutalism. Cool~"

R: "I was about to close! Be glad I stayed late! Can't get in without a key!"

N: "Just got the deal, so...

Here's eight hundred. Straight up."

swipe swipe swipe swipe
tap

R: "Your keys, n' the buildin' one.

Number 14, top left corner."

chik-chik

N: "Is the place actually good?"

R: "Slush's a sleazy bastard, but it's fine for a girl like you to stick around.

Mostly families with kids. And if any said kids are in the gangs, they only stay for the night."

N: "Anything else I should know? Who to avoid, y'know-"

R: "No drug cookin' or gun runnin' here, can tell you that. Street's been swarmed by cops lately, they send out cruisers regularly.

Business has to be done deeper in the hood where they're scared to stick their nose in."

N: "No stray bullets coming through the walls?"

R: "Baby! None of that! Nobody's shootin' here and place's sturdy all over.

...

So, about your crib. After I learned a young lady is moving in I decided to take liberty and clean up... a bit more."

N: "Aahh, thanks! You're so wholesome, like Mammy Two Shoes!

...

...

...

Uhm. I-I mean it in a good way, not-"

R: "Hah! Don't you sugarcoat me baby! I do what I do cause I'm being paid and... well, it was nasty... even after the boys in blue came over.

I saw that the shelf was stocked, but if you'll need some more detergent, just-"

N: "Alright, thanks, I'm... tired. Going through the motions, the period, also a cold.

Gotta go, okay? Byeee~"

...

I walked upstairs with a whistle, couples arguing over unpaid rent and academics.
I twisted the key, and gently opened the door.

N: "Ugh... !"

No lights on, only street lamps sneaking through the shutters.
Air was stale, bleached, and rotting.
But not enough to immediately get into my head.

N: "What's with the smell... ah.... a..."

This had to be the biggest
horror movie stupidity in my life.

N: "-ah, ew! Cough!"

How not-drugged-up you have to be to not connect the basic fucking dots?

N: "What in the fuck... haah... khef!"

Scrubbing, picking the bits, wife taking the children.
Four days of hunger really did me in.
Worst part?

N: "What kind of half-assed cleanup is this... ugh... aah...

This shit's not gonna help with my cold... !"

The scene wasn't even that drastic.

Wall and couch left to the TV were off-color with a dried stain, the kind of yellow guys busting over the sheets leave but size and shape of a spilled beer can.

N: "... who lived here? Ekh!

What kind of messy bunch of-"

The bleach residue mixed with everything else into that specific, sharp tone.
Smell of fresh iron.

N: "Ah."

The chair was right in the middle of the room.
I knew that image.
Carpet underneath wasn't splashed but soaked, slowly for many minutes.

N: "Naah... haah..."

I could see a man.
There was nobody in the room, but he kept flickering in and out every time I closed my eyes.
Sometimes he was still there even when I opened them.

N: "Hah... Where's my- hah... hah!"

Slumped over, spread legs, left middle finger nearly touching the carpet below.

N: "No. No, no... no, stop-"

Brain started filling the gaps.
Even when I kept telling it no, it held me like that one uncle at a family reunion.

N: "Ug- hhh stop! Haah, ha, ha! F-fuck!"

The man there was from four years ago.

I had nothing to swallow but kept searching myself out of reflex.
Couldn't shut it down.
Had no way to stop the thinking.
So I ran.
Face first into the doors behind me that started closing from the fresh draft.

N: "Aaagh!"

tumble
step
tumble
flip

With a cut lip I fell deeper into a place I didn't want to be in.

step
...
c r u n c h

It was a really poor cleanup job.

N: "Ah! Aw fuck! Haa! Haa! Just get over it, fuck... !"

I stepped into a white shard that crumpled under my shoe.
All the goo already dried out.
Chair that I just couldn't get my ass away from was the only spot to lean on.

Glimpse of the kitchen to the right slowly pulled my eyes towards it.
It wanted to tell me.
No matter how much I didn't want to I had to look at that fridge.
Some dead hand had its fingers on my neck, twisting it.

I had no strength to look away.

It was my fault.

NICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTNICOLE'SFAULTN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STOP!

FLIP
S L A M

FUCKING STOP!

KICK
CRACK
CRUSH

NO!

THROW
C R A SH

ENOUGH!

SLAM
BANG
SCATTER
knock knock
"Hey there! Why is you makin' so much noise!?"
"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!"
SWIPE
THROW
C R A S H

JUST!

Just...

Stop already.

Ha.

Ha.

Haa.

I can't... sniff, haa! Mh... mm... mhah!

Mm.. mm mm... snaff!

Snhaah! Haaa... aaah! Aaaahhh.

Aaaaaaaa!

Ngh... khh... aaaaaahhhh

phweeee!

hyy hngh... yhyyyyyy... kh!

haaaa... haaaa... hhkh!

aaaaaaaaa...

aaaa...

...

...

...

G • • Mobile ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ jun 17 0:44 a.m.
MESSAGING ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀SIM1 █ █ __ __ __

JECKA

I lied about having free conscience
cant sleep for shit
just please tell me u good
nicole
I hope u charged up your phone
nicole
please
I dont wanna call u
Nicky
-
wtf dont call me that
and you said im the gay one
-
omg u fineee xoxo
I thought something happened
still up?
-
ye
-
and up for what?
-
bath
-
ooohh smexy time
solo or?
-
hoodie still on
shower running
as sexy as smoking two packs in 15min can get
-
wtf
u good?
-
no
crying a bit
hands shaking
-
omg had a run in with someone?
-
old friend
helped a lot
-
so what got u
no pills?
-
yeah could use some
or anyone
-
tripping?
-
hard
-
is the place at least good
-
ye
just gotta
clean up
a bit
-
about that
could we meet tomorrow
morning
super serious
plz
-
whatever
franconia
call me when u wake up
-
omgee bestie cya xoxo
-
gn

Chapter Text

Nicole: "Mmmfffhh..."

"What's goin' on on the floor?
I love this record, baby, but I can't see straight anymore!
Woo-ooo~"

N: "Are you..."

"Keep it cool, what's the name of this club!?
I can't remember but it's alright, a-alright

Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo, just-"

N: "... are you for real?

click

Jecka: "Hiii you up~"

N: "Why are you calling me?"

J: "You said as soon as I get up?"

N: "It's five in the morning!"

J: "Oh come on, can't a bitch get up early for once?

Why do you sound like you slept on an asphalt again?"

N: "Just floor this time."

J: "What, they don't have beds in the hood?"

N: "No Ms. Ames, the couch is full of dude's bleached brain bits! And bunk in the the kids' room is cluttered with boxes."

J: "Come again?"

N: "Yeah I'm not cleaning that the whole night just to lay down. My cold would get worse in the bathtub so I took a pillow and-"

J: "Excuse me!? Someone killed himself there!?"

N: "Awful cleanup, yeah. Should've figured it out why the rent is so cheap. At this point I wouldn't be-

Oh.

... now that's a good find. Damn."

J: "Oh God... please just come over already, I'm scared of this place and I'm yet to get there."

N: "Fuck you mean come over, are you driving or-"

J: "I'm already on a train. Some five minutes away and a homeless guy is ogling me."

N: "When did you even- ughhh.

I'll be there."

N: "Well fuck."

J: "Hi."

I really had no words to describe it.

N: "My joke aged like milk, huh."

J: "How about instead of humiliating me more you'll be that 'good friend' and help me?"

She was demolished.

Two black eyes, one more than the other, swollen cheeks, ruined makeup in a kinda-hot way, bruised forearms she held to herself, loose band aid on her left brow, red and puffy like if you stuck her head into an anthill.

I could go on all day.

N: "Well my 'good friend' didn't let me crash at her place so-"

J: "If you stayed overnight you'd look just like me. I told your psycho ass she's not to be messed with."

I'd call it out that she looked like some celebrity's wife after tripping over, but did it matter?

I had to snap back into it. There were favors to be squeezed out of her.

N: "Just stick to me and stop shaking so much. Was it the ladle again?"

J: "Coffee table actually. One with the glass top." 

Slush: "Ay, Nicky girl! I told you I got the best connections! He'll be there in a hot minute!"

N: "Thanks dude, you're a save."

beep

 

sigh

J: "Didn't you have a prescription for this stuff?"

N: "I do but Slush's got a guy who smuggles whole batches of everything out of UoM hospital and sells dirt cheap."

J: "Hey could you hook me up with him?"

N: "Just ask when he comes? I don't know if he's good yet-"

Crooked Doctor: "Hey, you two! You're Nicky?"

N: "And you're surprisingly a white guy."

CD: "Alright, keep it quick. Here. And here. Cash."

rustle
crumple

swipe

CD: "Alright, so..."

After stopping this frantic-ass "someone is on my tail" shaken look, he relaxed.

Seriously, I did better on my first day!

CD: "I rarely have people buy from me to get better, but since Slush tipped me off and I saw your EHR-

-I scribbled you a daily dosage. Right for an average detox."

N: "Wow, ethical doctor much. How many black kids are not gonna get their life-saving stuff now?"

CD: "US is the biggest consumer of opioids in the world. We have so much of this stuff in stock that it expires before we can get it out.

And not like the blacks ever use it for anything besides getting high. Waste of taxpayer's-"

screw screw
pop

shake

chump

N: "Bitch what the fuck!?

Give it back!"

g u l p

J: "Sorry, keep going you two. I'm good now."

N: "I had them counted down to a pill! Choke on that you fucking skank-"

CD: "That's all from me. If you'll need more, Slush's your man."

He came and went in under a minute. Having learned my lesson with that cop taking and nutting into my shoes, we didn't waste time either. Only thing opening at eight was Denny's so we went just there.

Believe me, that bitch was hungry.

N: "You're paying, you know that?"

J: "Umlike you I'm not THFAT brokhe. And I shtill got homfe to chom bahk tfo."

N: "So what are doing here then?"

J: "Mum will cool ohff, go back to nomfal, start apologhizing and shower me with gifts. She's a bitch but not the kinfd of you hafd to dehal wiff.

gulp

So what's your place like?"

s t r i i i p

 

slap

s t r i i i p

N: "Oh yeah, now we're talking."

slap

J: "Right in the middle of Denny's?"

N: "Says who, cashier is literally smoking a blunt. Besides, its medicine right?"

J: "How do those patches feel?"

N: "Anything feels great now you thief. Kinda minty, cold, head doesn't hurt as much now.

That methadone was like eight bucks, I'll remember that."

J: "Four at best, you didn't buy that shit at pharma... ooohhh now I feel it. Mmgh, tight.

Weird, I usually take more."

N: "Maybe it bites because you were also on hunger?"

J: "Fuuuck that makes sense. Peanut butter and perc~"

N: "Titty and xan-"

J: "And now syrup pancakes and methadone. Good shit, life's good~"

Finally, a well deserved and earned treat.
One of us got chased out of her home, another had no sleep because of the former. It was so quiet early into the shift we spread out in our seats and drifted away like we owned the place. Rest of the junkies working at this place didn't mind.

J: "Fuck, I love you duuudeee~"

N: "Hell yeah bitch, I'm perfect~"

But this is the hood so things had to get a little spiced up.

???: "Hey babe, who messed you up like that?"

??? (2): "Ayy bro, would you tap dat?"

??? (3): "I dunno, with a bag over her head I guess?"

N: "Uh, dude, what?"

???: "I'm not talking to you, whore. Your friend got em chicken tendies and I want that now."

J: "... s-sure? Four hundred and we're off?"

??? (2): "What kinda bullshit price is that? Do I look like a surgeon to you?"

J: "Well, too bad? I'm a CEO escort, I got my standards."

???: "Oh come on nobody likes stingy whores!"

J: "My sugar daddy says otherwise. If you don't got the money for 'chicken tendies' get yourself pancakes inste-"

??? (3): "Chicken tendies are a treat in these parts! White chicks!"

??? (2): "You live here? Can we crash at yo place? Of course we gon~"

N: "Good luck knocking at mine. Can you just rob us blind and fuck off?"

???: "Oh so y'all together? Daaayum!"

??? (2): "Hot shit! Like, I shoot gay niggas on sight, but lesbos get a pass."

??? (3): "Come on girls, make out!"

???: "Nah not really, I want my white chicken tendies NOW!"

N: "Dude I don't wanna stereotype, but go to KFC if y-"

S L A M

He smacked the table so hard my fork tumbled and fell on the floor.

Yup, and the cashiers retreated. No stoner is gonna risk going up against three gangbangers.

???: "Did I stutter bitch? Do I look like a fucking veggie to you!? Do I look like a woman!? No!

I'm a REAL NIGGA!

I say what I want up front!

You look like a chicken tendies? You got that blonde bitch rack? No! So shut THE FUCK UP!"

??? (2): "Danny, chill the fuck out bro. Your chicken's gonna run off, hehe~"

Danny: "Sorry tendies, where were we? Ah yeah, fifty bucks?

How'bout that? I mean I only got twenty on me but-"

I knew those eyes. The mall. She was frozen solid

It was less about empathy for her and more about us both getting gangraped or something.
At that moment I knew what I had to do.

But I didn't know if I had it in me.

J: "L-l-listen man, I think we need to call it off. Maybe at some better place, like a hotel or-"

Danny: "Heeeyyy baaabeee, sit dooown~ We ain't gon hurt you- don't you know its kinda racist to throw the hood boys into one bag, hmm~"

??? (3): "Yeah babe, all my girls say I'm gentle."

J: "No guys, listen I-"

??? (3): "Sit.

The fuck.

Down."

grab

Draw.

RACK-CLAK

N: "Alright, the jig is up boys!"

??? (2): "Whoa, whoa, WHOA!"

J: "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my Goooood-"

Denny's Stoner Cashier: "Ah fuck, they're not paying me for that-"

??? (3): "Damn that white bitch STRAPPED!"

N: "Hands to yourself and off to the doors with you!"

Danny: "Guess I should've taken you first, like imagine how tight your cunt gotta be with that-"

N: "I said the jig is FUCKING up, step back, step back, thank you very muuuch- BACK OFF!

I'll see one of you come forward your brain's gonna be in that guy's waffles!

??? (2): "You think you're tough, I got three of those on me-"

N: "Well too fucking slow, thug boy! Should've kept your eyes on me and not her tits!"

??? (3): "We'll be back here, you're fucking done for."

N: "Great! I'll go all Clint Eastwood on your ass, get branded racist, and you'll have yourself a memorial!"

I finally got all three at the doors.

ding-ding

I had to hurry but couldn't stop taking joy of the moment.
Is this fucked up? Or racist? Both?

Danny: "The only street they'll be naming is after you, bi-"

N: "Well then make.

My.

DAY!

Dude, did you see that shit? That clonidine is nothing, I'm practically sober!"

J: "Haah... ah! Sniff, hngaah!"

N: "And I did it! I still did it, it's real, my hands are shaking, aah~ Fuck, this feels amazing I..."

Hyperventilating like my bro's dusted up gaming PC, traumatized ass couldn't hold it together. Probably didn't help I straight up ripped the opener line from the mall cop.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

N: "Ekhm!

Let's go out through the back. Take your coke if-"

grip

s t r e e e t c h

When I got to this poor thing hiding under the table I expected her to kick me like a horse.
Instead she held onto me like a special-ed kid.

N: "Whaa-aa-ooh, damn you got a grip, ugh! Get up veggie, I'm not doing a princess carry.

Dude I'm so awesome haha."

swoosh

huff

p o o o f

J: "Where the fuck did you get that!?"

N: "So the corpse cleanup was so bad they straight up forgot to take the guy's gun. It fell under the couch after he blew his brains out."

J: "And you're just carrying it like that!?"

N: "It itches my ass but hallelujah I did!

Did you see that fuckboy's face, this shit is awesome! I can still feel it in my blood, oh God haah~

I finally get why Crispin is so much into this nonsense."

J: "What even is this!?"

N: "Let me check, yes... Hi-Point C9, number 005526. Made in Mansfield, Ohio."

J: "I'm not talking about that!"

N: "I'll be real with you. If it can't fire for some reason, I wouldn't know. I've just gotten my hands on this and all I know is you're supposed to pull the trigger."

J: "You don't!? You're insane! A-a-and what if they wouldn't run off!? Would you actually shoot someone in a fucking hood Denny's-"

N: "For you, I would."

...

J: "No, no, NO! That gayscreen is NOT going to work!"

N: "But I mean it? We can bicker about the tiny favors, but that was straight up rape attempt! What was I supposed to do, call the cops!? They'd come twenty minutes after those guys would run a train on you!"

J: "At least we know men being predators and nonces is a universal rule, it has no borders or races-"

N: "Yeah, it got me thinking. Was that racist?"

J: "Racist what?"

N: "Three black guys in caps and tanktops, talking like deep-south caricatures, chains and watches, rape being cool-"

J: "What's there to be racist? They're doing it?"

N: "I dunno... is it racist when you perpetuate your own stereotypes?"

J: "I don't fucking care! I'm so shaken I'll actively avoid every non-white guy on for the next week!"

N: "And then it'll become your natural habit?"

J: "Yeah! Wait, no..."

N: "Just don't turn into second Ms. Ames okay? We're not doing it because we're racist-"

J: "-yeah, we're doing it because men suck!"

N: "Glad we're on the same page."

Chapter Text

After our little incident Jecka took a cab home.

Jecka: "Hey, you take card?"

Taxi Driver: "Sure!"

J: "Great, mom sent me a hundred bucks and an apology essay for her outburst."

Meanwhile my bitch didn't even call once!

Nicole: "I think that mug demolished so hard is worth much more."

J: "Just wait! I'll guilt trip her about it my whole college and she'll bend over to my whims like an obedient little~"

N: "Not only you sound gay like you claim I do, but with incest on top.

Just...

-go home and don't bump into some gangsters on the way."

J: "And you don't go out like Al Pacino if you meet some, freaking psycho.

Seriously, don't.

Byeee~"

Alone on the sidewalk again. I turned around and took funny long steps while whistling.

N: "Not even ten in the morning... what to do-"

Nothing.
Either to do or go to.
I'm sure a park would be a better place for a stroll, but those reeked with homeless and drunkards. Whole PG did. Can't have shit in the hood.

So I kept walking, missing something, looking for it with zero clue where to start.

It took me into thinking again.
I hated it with passion and drowned out with horse-downing amount of drugs, yet at that moment it came very easily.

Is this real?
Am I real?

The biggest event in my life took less than 30 seconds.
Something I never possibly I saw myself in. Something so distant and unrelatable that without experiencing it seems straight out of fiction.

And yet I did it.
I improvised, ran on instinct, copied others, and somehow didn't pathetically freeze up and die like a failure.
It was like if my fucked up complexes were fulfilled in a way that I only imagined hard painkillers could do.

It felt "real". So "real" that every moment that came before and after it felt like its "imitation" or "copycat".

I can't put it in better words, sorry, I'm no smartass. Just a white suburb girl that discovered philosophy literally a second ago. One that pulled out a gun on three hood lowlifes and played her cards right.

No it wasn't right.
I scratched my head, pinched myself, bit my lips and ran a nail across my forearm until it drew blood.

N: "Tsk..."

sigh

Something was still missing.

I was curious.
So I turned into the most movie "dark alley" possible and pulled it out from my pants.
Ugly, heavy piece of metal and plastic that left marks on my right buttcheek after a minute.
I fiddled with it, looked at every flaw and scratch I could find.
So many tiny bits to twist and pull.

So many ways to accidentally kill myself.

I wanted to know more about it.
I never had something like this in my hands before. Dad owned a shotgun but we all know where that went.
It didn't look like a "gun" to me anymore. No, that word was, and still is alien to me. You use "guns" in games that Crispin and his other gamer dickheads kept yapping about with no breaks. You talk about "guns" on TV every time a quiet kid shoots up his class.

It was a tool. The kind of thing that lets you control and order others when you hold it. Something that elevates you above everyone else that doesn't have one at the moment.

I expected something to ruin this mood.

Like a drive-by cornering me in that alley and filling me with lead.

...

...

N: "Not really, huh?"

I felt weird in my own skin, like an out of body experience watched through an old TV. Natural adrenaline still wasn't going down, clonidine patch on my arm felt redundant and I already took off the one from my neck. I zoomed back and forth feeling like I'm on the edge of some big ass revelation. It had to look really fucking weird even by local addict standards.

I slid the thing back into my pants and kept going, eyes blasting back and forth looking for danger. People, cars, dogs. And all this time I kept thinking. This is what I do when I feel powerless. When I'm being beat the fuck out of or cornered by someone.

Yet I didn't feel like so.
But I was also panting like in porn.

So why? Why am I doing this? Jecka was right, nothing made sense about me lately.

N: "This could've gone millions of other ways. So many paths to choose, yet you are here, why-"

And then it hit me.

My problems will never go away.
You can't fix me.
And that's exactly what I want!
Problems!
I'm looking for them right now!

N: "Nah, no. No way-"

Something that's out to get me!
Something that wants to strip me of what I have!
Robbers! Thugs! Killers! Junkies! Maniacs!

It was so simple!

In one moment I turned into one of those right-wing gun slingers, dreaming their whole life about some kid breaking their window so they can blast them full of holes.

N: "Mmhm... hehe... hahaha."

I wanted some shady dude to walk up to me with a pocket knife and tell me to bend over!
I wanted those three fuckers from Denny's to come up to me again with a piece of their own!
Danger, blood, guts, this was it!

My hand was twitching for anything getting in my way!
I giggled like a maniac.

N: "Pfffff... bwahahaa!"

I wasn't thinking of perc, robo, xan, vic, anything.

I wanted more of this new stuff.
Control.
Over my life and the others.

I wanted to get this high at least twice a day, where everything and everyone passing me knows I'm the hottest shit in town. Where if I'm pissed, they look me in the eye and beg for mercy.

Alright, maybe not like that.

It's not about killing people.
Like, shooting a random guy on that street wouldn't give me kicks. I'd also lose my only chance at the future too, and I know exactly how crazy it sounds from me.

But how else would I have careers, relationships, and livelihoods of strangers in my hands?
All that stuff I already liked to ruin could be there for me to irresponsibly fiddle with like a piece of chewing gum.

N: "HahaHAHAHA!"

hark cough

N: "Mkhm..."

Getting too many eyes on me with how vivid I was I slid back into another alley and fiddled with that thing again.

I figured out why not.

I don't want to be a junkie!
I want to be a bully!

Maybe I can do it. Maybe this is where I want to take my life to-

BLAM

N: "Shit!"

I yanked that bitch like in the movies for a second time and it somehow fired. Some forty degrees away from my face and into the sky.

tink tink

And the casing of course had to bounce off the wall and drop between my tits.

s i z z l e

N: "Ohshitohshit aaaaah what the fuuuuu-"

I dropped the gun. If it would've fired again I'd lose a chunk of my foot and any prospects at the Marines.

chu

suck suck

N: "It even cut my hand like how in the fuck-"

It only got to me I just committed a felony that can't get you into the military once people on the street started screaming.

N: "Uuuuuff...

...yeah I better get home and pretend nothing happened."

Looking back on it, the dream was distant. It would take a lot from a failure like me to achieve it.

But it was there. And I more than wanted it.

Chapter Text

Doors to my place slammed shut and I was feeling all kinds of funny. This funny was less about discovering and embracing a new layer of sociopathy within me, and more about that I'd get some four years in jail and ruin my life if a cop saw I just fired a gun like a dumbass.

Nicole: "Almost suffered consequences of my actions. Fuck that's new."

My ears were ringing, shell casing left a burn mark on my tit, air was stale, opening the windows wide barely helped, and the bitch next door that yapped yesterday about me being loud was getting a WWE treatment from her husband.

Overall, the place was still a mess.

N: "Alright, off. Now.

I gotta do something, I gotta-"

I needed to do something.
Keep my body busy so the brain doesn't have time to think.
It was great for ten minutes, but just like a new drug, I had to test the waters to not flatline unless I wanted to.

N: "I'm not scrubbing that shit, off with you-"

So I went for that dreaded chair standing on the carpet and shoved it into a corner. I rolled this cum-rag looking stain and dumped in by the doors, grabbed any piece of junk that I didn't knew the purpose of and filled the trash with them. The bag got full so I took it out and put on another one.

And after that second trash bag I had to stop for a second.

N: "Huh. Damn."

The bed wasn't worth it either. Taking out trash for the first time in my life without threats of eviction by my mom (too late for that) was a new experience too. Covering it in plastic foil I found under the sink would have to make do, smell was slowly venting out or I must've gotten used to it by that.

I took the kids' bunk instead because I'm either so freaking tiny or it's just an adult size. The sheets with McQueen from Cars though...

N: "So, boxes..."

I checked them for anything worth selling on Ebay.

N: "Ninth grade books, clothes, basketball... toys? Whole ass keyboard?

Yeah I can work with that, at least a fifty bucks for this... mm, twenty for that..."

I dumped the family photos and plushies, like who the fuck keeps those?

N: "DVD's, mostly bootlegs...

rustle rustle

Mask, cheesy.
Blade, edgy black dude.
Pulp Fiction, I think he has like a foot fetish or something.
Terminator 2, no dad can't relate.
American Psycho, mmmm no wonder she left him.
Scarface, this damn guy just keeps following me!
Space Jam, I can't believe people watch this.

rustle

creak

...

Full Metal Jacket."

If there is something I rank higher on than sociopathy it's the hatred of men.

My age, older, white, now black too, and brats are basically rapists in the making.

Lady, hear me tonight~

Cause me feeling, is just so right~

There is no world where you could convince me otherwise. Their minds are alien, always horny, thinking with dicks, and you're supposedly the inferior creature of the two of you.

As we dance, by the moonlight~

Morons, criminals, or nonces. The only value they provide is to economy and by churning out more kids.

But, in my infinite wisdom of being a copycat following the trends, I think I understand one thing now:

Staying alone for a while is really fucking cool.

Can't you see, you're my delight~

N: "Oh this one's fuckin' delightful alright-"

I crashed onto a couch with a first handmade meal I've ever done: bowl of chili mac and cheese made from whatever was in the fridge.

Wasn't spoiled at a first glance.

PLAY

Considering I had a few days of cold ahead of me I decided to get lazy. In the end nothing and nobody from high school mattered. And as for loneliness being cool... guess I was just fed up with the former? You can only handle social ladders and pressure for so long even if you're on top of the food chain.

Right then there was just me, the couch, and a Cuban guy getting chainsawed apart on TV.

Me, I want what's coming to me.

Oh, well what's coming to you?

The world, chico, and everything in it.

Sure, Jecka kept bitching about her life falling apart, but who am I to bother?

(12) NEW MESSAGE

N: "Bitch do I look like I care? I don't have time for that!"

Tony! Don't kill me please!

I ain't gonna kill you.

Oh Christ, thank you! Thank you!

...

Manolo, shoot that piece of shit.

She said it herself, transactional only. Right then I didn't need any. I had enough cash to last me until the military while doing nothing but watching flicks and eating junk food.

All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one. Do you understand?

N: "Of course the only thing they can compare to is dicks..."

That piece of shit up there, I never liked him, I never trusted him. For all I know he had me set up and had my friend Angel Fernandez killed.

But that's history. I'm here, he's not. Do you wanna go on with me, you say it.

You don't, then you make a move.

N: "Ugh, why is this thing all the rage? Do guys really take it at a face value?"

I mean, the action was as bloody as my dad's suicide so... yay realism, I guess?

What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why?

You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be! You need people like me!

You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy." So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie.

Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on! The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through! Better get outta his way!

Attention span to this macho man's downfall dwindling, I couldn't stop fiddling with the pistol. 

N: "Oh, this comes off. Now, to put it back-"

snap

C L A C K

N: "Yeah, it's not that hard. I can figure it out."

Despite everything that already happened. Everything that changed and all that was yet to happen, I needed to know one thing.

They're coming from everywhere! Tony, open up! Open the fucking door!

TONY!

One simple thing that would really prove things were different.

N: "Bhaaaa~"

So with my mouth still dirty from the cheese sauce I put the barrel to it.

You wanna fuck with me!?

Okay.

You wanna play rough!?

At first it was easy. Hell, I even had the nerve to switch off the safety. Gargled the whole thing all the way down, at an angle that the 4chan suicide guide said to hold it. That's basically an easy mode way out and to fail it is the most pathetic way to become a veggie.

But when it came to the trigger...

Say hello TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

... I couldn't touch it.

N: "Mnph... hnn?"

You think you can take me? You'll need a fuckin' army if you gonna take me!

My finger just wouldn't let me. Not even from the side.

Best I could was to circle the guard around it.

I sat like that for minutes. No trembling or panicking, just watching the movie. At some point I got up and put the bowl into the sink, all with a gun still in my mouth like it's a chewing gum.

I'm Tony Montana! You fuck with me, you fuckin' with the best!

Was there something deeper to it? Maybe I was just chickening out?

N: "Nah..."

It didn't matter.

Go ahead! I take your fucking bullets!

Fact I didn't want to was enough. If I'm going to eat it, it's going to be by someone's hand. Unless I'll feed them first.

You think you'll kill me with bullets? I take your fucking bullets!

Go ahead!

Starting from Al Pacino before me.

N: "Bang."

"AAAAHHHH!"

creak

 

SPLOSH

Chapter Text

Finally.

After an avalanche of absolute insanity, near-death experiences, and twists I'd never expect to happen.

My life had finally slowed down.

Nicole: "Ngh... tsk..."

... nghh."

It's the 'no break' thing that did me in. My whole senior year of thrills compacted into one week. Then, three days had went by and, what?

Ah yeah I can't cook for shit and got a food poisoning on top of my withdrawal diarrhea.

N: "... aaaaAAAAGHH!

FUUUUUUUCK!"

After recovering from that chili onslaught and a cold with to-door noodles there was only a pill hunger. And a methadone twice a day to help it.

N: "Not all cheese should smell blue, got it. Girls don't poop my ass... man, I really could just chug them all down and buy more..."

Looking at it like a good girl wouldn't cut it. It had to be punishment; that starving yourself out of hate schtick.

I watched 2002 Jackass Movie to reaffirm my misandry, found a right-wing gun forum in an internet cafe to learn more about my new piece, and kept ditching Jecka's calls cause for whatever fucking reason I was the only person in the world for her, ugh.

G • • Mobile ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ jun 20 10:38 a.m.
MESSAGING ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀SIM1 █ █ █ █ __

JECKA

she was coked out of her mind again
it hasnt been a week
shes totally whoring herself for that drug money too
-
thats rough
-
I wish I was coked up too but I have to save my future first
-
I thought you were a pharma queen type, not the hard stuff
oh so u envy her
-
nicole thats not fucking funny I dont know what will happen now
shes going to lose her job in the department store at this rate we have no more income and the insurance still didnt pay up
-
yeah
-
why dont u ever pick up
-
Im here listening to u??
-
but u never pick up my calls
-
doing my best to look poor and on alert
ill get mugged if they catch me talking
711 is basically my only local safehouse besides the flat
nightshift guy sells cheap adderall if you dont like that doc
-
college I applied mixed up my papers
the psychology class will probably be full by the time they fix it
I cant pay my tuition yet and idk if my budget is safe
mom just walked in with some stud
yeah im out they gon fuck on the couch
-
sucks
-
nicole pls I didn't talk to anybody for so long everyone besides dealers basically disappeared
I called two more colleges and guys basically want to grope me through phone
plzzz cant take it anymore I wanna talk

(2) MISSED CALLS

nicoleeeee
-
not now im buying ammo
-
??
-
yeah theres this gangsta over here selling 9mm in the branch library bathroom cant talk
send me a pic of that new cat u got k?
-
ok
later

Obviously I lied but shit actually happened. Eleven rounds remaining in that thing was all I needed though. I was too lazy to handle the Ebay too so I sold stuff I found in the apartment to the neighbors. With lady to my left being black you couldn't see her, well, black eyes that good, but the swelling looked vicious.

N: "That stretches my budget, I should probably stock up at Costco..."

It would take more than a single meal to stop being a health hazard. For eighteen years I avoided the kitchen like low-income prospects... which I now lived in.

N: "Eh, good opportunity to get moving I guess. Three miles one way and then a bus back should do it."

I took one of the gray hoodies after what must've been the kids of the guy who blew his brains out. Baggy as fuck but that's exactly what I needed: look big, hood, and have easy access to the gun.

N: "Come on, pump it up, get going. You have smooth ass and could do gymnastics, right~

Ugh, did someone crap themselves on the hallway?

It was quiet and smelled like rotten eggs for whatever reason. Main floor was empty besides the janitor nanny doing her own thing. For a second I thought the guys from Denny's found my place and decided to jump me.

I was ready to draw.

Fucking hell, smells worse than those brain stains."

I went for the jog. I looked so 'hood' I wouldn't be surprised if cops pulled me over and I clearly remember what must've been unmarked car checking me out. The moment they saw my face they sped off to look for actual black kids to profile.

But that's where the flowers and sunshine end.

N: "Huff... was it a mile already... I still recognize the people... I think that guy is a psycho..."

Because let's face it.

I was NOT in a shape for exercise.

N: "I'm still not out of the park... That's like. A mile. Fuck. I. Wait.

Dizzy."

tumble

s p l a t

N: "Oh shit, haah, calm down you're-"

HURK

B U L E E E G H

N: "Pfat, hark! Pfe! Pfu... haah...

man, I suck..."

Single lightfooted mile was too much for me. This one has gotten familiar by that point; laying in my own puke.

But it was worth a dumb grin, at least the reason was something smart.

Slush: "Oh shit, Nicky! Saw you down the road!"

N: "Hi... what's good Slush?"

S: "What's good's good, but you certainly ain't. Wipe that off, babygirl.

Wa'chu doin?"

N: "Tried to jog... haah, I gotta train."

S: "Oh, got a competition?"

N: "No, Marines. This August."

S: "Oh shiiii, that's what you're after!? Well fuck the cops, but army bros rock! You got balls!

But I dunno if they gon take you like that."

N: "Yeah. Me neither."

S: "You gotta get together. Get up."

grab

l i f t

S: "Calm down, get some good vibes... here Nicky, check yourself out."

Without asking, Slush passed me his blunt. To casually smoke with cops cruising around was kinda ballsy. Like fuck men, but dude was a real one. And all I ever did was sell him cheap crack.

N: "Wha- oh come on, I can't believe I'm saying this but not now dude~"

S: "Nicky! You'd think I'm spiking you with some laced shit!?"

N: "Not that, I gotta work out, I-"

S: "This is a. One. Hundred. Percent. Cosmic. Kush. It calms yo nerves and gets you biiiiig munchies!"

N: "That's the last thing I need, I sat on my ass long enough-"

S:"You need calories! Protein! On the couch or not! If you got none, you ain't building muscles!"

N: "Dude, cardio will do just fine, nah stop... gimme that!"

p f h o o o o

I kept saying that weed was too soft for me.

N: "Huff... whoa."

S: "See, zen and drive can go hand in hand! Better?"

N: "Actually, yeah. No lie. Haah, yeah!"

But now that appearances didn't do shit, I hit it. And it hit good. Good blend, it relaxed me but also stopped the aching, making me net positive.

pfhoo

S: "Nicky, I ain't charging you none fo that. Take it."

N: "Dude, you're sweet~"

S: "If you want a regular supply, juuust caaall~

Now, go change and wash yo self. You look like a homeless Balboa."

N: "I'll do at the store's bathroom! Thanks man!"

Two more miles and I was finishing that jimmy in Costco's toilet cabin.

Teen #1: "We could totally jump these niggas now. You saw the register?"

Teen #2: "Yeah, bitch's full. Just lemme take a leak."

Teen #1: "We're gonna get so fucking stacked nigga."

s i u u u u

My shopping was delayed by half an hour. I sat it out in the bathroom, barely heard a mumble. By the time I was out practically nothing changed.

Cashier Girl: "Hi welcome to Costco-"

N: "Up already? They took everything?"

CG: "Yeah, company policy, give everything but keep working. Happens once a week. How can I help you?"

N: "Nhmmhmmhmm, good good~ One, two, three, where's... fourth, oh yeah... yeah I'm set for two weeks. There's so much I could work out with those bags, mmm-"

Something was fishy about the main hall again. Apartment right to the door was particularly loud, dozen of guys arguing inside.

But since it didn't smell like a dead cat anymore and I was stoned out of my mind, I let it be. I was loaded with processed shit only a single retard, kettle, and a microwave was required to make edible.

PLAY

 

 

... in 2006 it was updated to the M9A1 variant. It added, among other things, a built-in Picatinny rail slot for mounting lights, lasers, and other accessories to the weapon's front.

 

This simple item marks the beginning of a new era in the doctrine of US armed forces: pushing for modularity and a degree of customization in the issued sidearms. 

N: "Mag, pin, release, safety, slide, mhmhmm..."

 

With the redesign came a beveled magazine well for easier and faster reloading. Crucial in the heat of battle.

 

N: "Yaaaaawnnn~ This dude's fucking padding, man~"

 

Alongside the weapon, a new PVD coated magazine was also developed, it's purpose to withstand the environments of-

 

crunch

chuck

PHWOOM

N: "Dude-

Is the TV too lou-"

SLAM

K I C K

C R U N C H

PHWOOM

"MARYLAND STATE!"

BHWOOM

"Oh God my baby!"
"Maryland Police! Down on the ground!"
"My baby no-"
"GET ON YOUR KNEES! DOWN ON THE FUCKING GROUND!"

N: "Duuuude..."

"YOU'VE HURT MY BABY! LOOK WHAT YOU-"

S C R U N C H

"STAY DOWN! STAY ON THE FUCKING GROUND!"

"Aaahh... snff, mhaaah... m-my baby, aah... !"
"Hands behind your head!"
"POLICE! DROP YOUR WEAPONS!"
"I said hands behind YOUR HEAD!"

N: "Dude I'm so fucked-

I'm so, soooooooo fucked."

It took a while, but what can you expect after a fat blunt? I was still high after two hours, with an illegal fucking pistol on the table, and throw a whole stash of non-prescribed methadone to all that!

N: "Bitch get up, get up, get u-"

slip

 

b u m p

N: "Nghh!"

Fell on my ass like during my failed school gate break-in.

N: "Think, think! You're on a first story and it's warm outside, yeah?"

...

click

slide

 

w h o o o o o

Yeah."

The thing itself didn't give me a heart attack, but that I couldn't THINK fast! And my stoned body was still telling me to sit down and watch that boring docu while munching chips!

N: "You can jump, that sheet roof makes it less than ten feet... but it'll most likely break. It could cut you up, you'd bleed out and die, or get illegible for... fuck!

"Don't touch it! Back to the wall!"
"Do something stupid and you're dead!"
"TOUCH IT AND I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!"
"Bravo, check another one!"
"Maryland STATE! Open the door!"
"W-we didn't do anything!"

No no no, you're white it's gonna be okay. Just hide that shit. No! Uhh, flush it! They'll find it.

"Open the door or we're going to breach it!"
"Please don't hurt us!"

No, you need it, can't skip a day or you'll get tremors again, nobody will call an ambulance and... FUCK!"

"We're openi-"

PHWOOM

"Aaaahhh!"
"MARYLAND POLICEEEEEEEE!"

Without better alternatives, for maybe a third time in my life I asked God for help.

Chapter Text

Even on weed, God did not respond to my calls. I'd need something stronger to knock on his doors and I just did not have such a wonder pill at hand. I simply trusted my guts and decided to not throw myself off the window.

Nicole: "You can do it! Pills, pills, save the pills!"

Possibility of having a flashbang chucked in my face like the guys below sucked. You're supposed to lose hearing IN the military, not before it.

"Bravo, sitrep."
"We pulled out a couple with one kid. Look like gangbangers. All of them I think."
"Charlie, sitr-"
"Ooohhh, this one's gonna need a cover up. Ahhh fuck."
"Charlie, you're not clear. Repeat."

N: "Faster faster- ugh!"

trip

 

w r e c k

N: "Pills intact... the gun!"

"What was that?"
"Charlie, you didn't follow with upstairs."
"How the fuck are we supposed to follow up, we have a dying toddler here!"
"This is Bravo... Charlie what the fuck?"

After taking down the bottom floor I was lucky enough to be put on a backburner. But even with my neighbors being a buffer it was a minute at best.

N: "Pills, close tight, plastic bag, toilet water tank... bang.

Pistol would fit here too but-"

s l a m

s l a m

"Maryland police! Open the door!"

That knock scared the crap out of me before I figured out it was next door. Pistol slipped out of my hand and hit the tiles.

tink

BLAM

And fired into the toilet bowl, cracking it in half.

"Shots fired! Armed gunman!"
"Breaching!"
"DROP THE GUN! DROP THE GUN!"
"But-"

BLAM BLAM

"GET DOWN!"

BLAM

"Aaaaa... aaaaAAAAAAAA!!!"

Seriously, what the fuck was that thing made out of!? Second time!? Hi-Point, whatever that means, sucks ass. Bathroom's trash bin was the nearest thing when picking it up

so I just put it there

and stuffed full of fresh toilet paper and pads.

switch

click

Doors unlocked, hands behind the head, face to the floor in a big living room. It really couldn't any get easier...

SWAT Operator: "Maryland Police! Open the door!"

N: "The door's open officer! Happy to cooperate!"

SO: "This is Maryland STATE! Open the door!"

N: "The door is open officer. Just pull the hand-"

SO: "THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING! UNLOCK THE DOOR!"

N: "Doors. Are. Open. Officer.

Dude are you deaf!? Pull the fucking handle!"

SWAT Operator #2: "Breaching!"

N: "Haah - ears covered mouth open I guess-"

SLAM

 

f l o m

splosh

 

 

PHWOOOOOOOOOM

S K R A A S H

N: "Agh! Fuck!"

... but I guess the men of law either couldn't resist throwing pyrotechnics at black people, or were as deaf as the people they flashbanged.

It wasn't so bad. Bathroom was open and the trigger-happy asshole nailed a perfect blind hop into the damaged toilet. Shattered it to pieces.

SO#2: "STATE! Freeze!"

N: "Oh shit... ears good at least-"

SO: "Don't move! Hands behind your back!"

N: "Dude what am I doing right now-"

SWAT Operator #3: "GET UP!"

YANK

PULL

I think six guys flooded the room. Hard to tell now, they tied me up with those plastic zip ties. All swinging guns and kitted out in stuff that would make Crispin jizz his uncircumcised dick on the spot. Thankfully no knee landed on my neck during all that.

N: "Ouch! Relax! I'm not black-"

SO#2: "I know, sorry but it's a standard procedure. You'll be out in no time."

N: "... you weren't supposed to agree with that."

SO#3: "Look what you did moron! You hit a fucking toilet!"

SO: "What?"

N: "Toilet!? You broke my bathroom!"

SO#3: "No delays, keep moving!"

s h o v e

N: "H-hey! At least let me cut the water!"

SO#3: "I won't buttstock you in the temple but know your limits! MOVE!"

SO: "... what?"

SO#3: "Taxpayers cover the damage, but AIM YOUR THROWS! What if this was some crack den!? First man on the entry would get swiss cheesed!"

SO: "What!?"

They rounded up the entire apartment like we were all criminals. People were sobbing, crying, and one dude was carried out on a stretcher with an oxygen mask and two bloody spots.

SWAT Leader: "Come along, come along, keep moving..."

SO#2: "Man if I didn't forget about setting to semi that gorilla would have ten more holes-"

Elderly, parents, to kids half my age. Bound hands for everyone. Cop busses pulled up in pairs and took us packed in groups like a cattle for processing.

SO#2: "Damn, that bastard drove off already! Hell we're doing with her? Call another patrol?"

SL: "You. Get in. I want to get out of this shithole hood already-"

However for me there was a VIP ride; in a huge armored box with a big "S.T.A.T.E." on the sides.

N: "Damn, you guys are riding huge! How much per gallon? Cause definitely not per mile."

SO#3: "The answer is 'I don't fucking care' cause your parents pay taxes for that."

N: "My dad bailed out early on that by going Kurt Cobain... but mom evades! Dude, raid her while we're on the way, give her a heart attack, and I'm down for going out with you-"

SO#3: "We get out of trouble like that easy, hm... how old are you?"

N: "All legal and ready to go-"

SO#3: "Then piss off."

Wow, a cop who IS a pedo but you can't exploit it anymore. Seriously, my luck is a coin-

But after that?

SL: "Six jobbers apprehended, one kneecapped, all civvies secured, no causalities. Excellent work team."

SO: "And I ran out of flashbangs by the time we hit the second floor. Thanks for keeping me topped!"

Instead of the usual male business of harassing young women, I practically didn't exist for them. I wish more taxis were like that.

SO#3: "No problem dude, just check your ear protection next time. Man I'm up for some Poppie's tacos-"

SL: "Where you're gonna get tacos at three in the morning?"

SO#2: "There's always the East Street Block to hit. Strip clubs are always open-"

SO: "I went for chicken wings to a one place there back in college! I wonder if it still stands!"

SL: "You heard the man. You all deserve a chow; commence the second operation!"

"YEEEAAAH!"

Now, this should have been the end of the story. Or maybe in a next hour or two, as I get charged with felony and my future takes a suicide bomber nosedive.

"But mommy! I'm tired!"
"Me too sweetie, just hang on a bit longer."
"I'm hungry too... we didn't eat our dinner, it probably went cold..."
"After daddy finishes his tests he'll get us something warm, okay?"
"But why is he being tested? Daddy didn't do anything!"
"I know, and that's why we're both next after him."
"But why? That doesn't sound fair- I-I'm twelve!"
"I know how it sounds sweetie, but it's actually very fair.

They test everyone to know who the bad guy is, you know? Everyone is treated the same way because we are all equal, honey."

I was literally more of a gangbanger than the worst of the bunch on that police station. Most people that were called in went out after some ten minutes, some didn't come out at all.

N: "Weed already wore off. Shit's still in me though-

Will they shoot me if I run out the front door?"

Queue was getting shorter and my chopping block would come.

Police Receptionist: "NEXT! Nicole Smith! Here.

swipe

s t a m p

tap tap

Don't leave the state or the federal district for the next two weeks, there's a possibility of being called for a witness in the following investigation. Read the fine print. You're off."

...

N: "That's... all?"

PR: "And what the hell do you want? Property damage complaint? Bring a form or contact your landlord. NEXT!"

N: "Thanks. I guess."

PR: "You! Woman with the kid! Drug tests down the hallway!"

In the end I was out in the nicer part of the city in under a minute when my turn came. No tests, no search, no securing evidence. Even at that moment I knew they wouldn't check my flat. What a world, huh?

tink tink

shooooo

N: "Phoooo- haah.

DC looks real cool at night."

(16) MISSED CALLS

Chapter Text

Nicole: "Yeah I'll take the... two chocolate donuts and- shit, you got decaff?"

Mc'Donalds Drive-Thru: "McCafe guys are still closed but sure, you want-"

N: "Just get me whatever."

McD-T: "Who orders without a car man..."

pop

sluuurp

N: "I got so much adrenaline running an actual coffee would just kill me. How will I get home-"

"What's goin' on on the floor?

I love this record, baby, but I can't see straight anymore! "

N: "Ugh! Does this bitch have some codependency going on or something?"

click

N: "W-"

Jecka: "Get me your gun I'm killing my mom."

...

N: "I was supposed to tell you to fuck off and hang up but you got my attention-"

J: "I'm not calling for a fucking chit-chat Nicole, I'm killing that whore while I'm still amped up! Where are you?"

N: "Now THAT'S hot. Like not in a gay way, but an abusive rockstar hot. What's the deal?"

J: "I'm at 395 near Potomak, flooring it 110, and my life is fucking over! If not with a gun then I'm whacking her skull with a tire iron in the trunk! Get on it or I'M hanging up!"

N: "So it isn't like an episode you'll get over with or-"

BEEP

N: "Huh. She's getting as crazy as I am-"

doooooo

doooooo

bleep

N: "Pick up, come on..."

doooooo

doooooo

bleep

N: "Don't tell me she's serious."

doooooo

doooooo

bleep

N: "Shit... You! I gotta call someone! Give me your phone!"

McD-T: "What-"

N: "Dude, my friend's gonna kill herself! I'll get you, uhhh... a burger-bun handjob for that!"

McD-T: "Geez, ask like a normal person-"

di di di di ti do

doooooo

doooooo

click

J: "Who is it?"

N: "So like, if you're actually doing something wild, pick me up. I'm at Mac near Capitol Hill."

J: "Five minutes."

BEEP

...

McD-T: "So, uhhh... about that hand-"

N: "Fuck off! Die!"

skreeee

wooooo

skreeeee