Archive of Our Own ^beta

Why was everything so difficult for Chloe Valentine?

It really shouldn’t be. Your typical upper middle class American girl. She did dance, she did sports, she never went without, conventionally beautiful. Her family, for all the pain they hid, cared. Her father especially, and her mother as best as she could given what little experience she had. Sure she had issues, but it wasn’t in the “ooh the popular girl has feelings, feel bad for her boohoo.” It was just there. Never shown and yet still present in the back of her mind. She knew she could be harsh sometimes, a little on edge, and sometimes lacking empathy. It’s not that she was trying to be that way, to her, that was the only way to be taken seriously. To survive. 

But despite all of that, unremarkably, almost all of her relationships ended in disaster. 

A “disaster lesbian,” a term she despised more than anything. 

It was a muggy June evening. Her room, neat as always, slightly wrecked from what she could make out. The aftermath of a sleepover with Christine as the shorter girl lay undisturbed on her bed. It was a new thing they did, with her and Brooke growing more distant these days. A soft smile pulled on her lips from her spot on the windowsill before turning her head back to the glass. 

She sighed. 

She should’ve known it was going to end this way with her and Brooke. It was just like all her previous relationships; doomed from the start with her being the cause of it. She’d given the blond enough shit for a lifetime and as she thought about it now, she couldn’t understand how she put up with it for so long. Always being on edge of her outbursts and calming her down when she didn’t deserve it. It was like watching a dog that knew they were being abused, but still came back no matter what their owner did. 

And it sickened her. 

Then there was Jake. The first “real” boyfriend she had and unsurprisingly, the most tumultuous one. They were your standard highschool jock/princess couple and for a while, she loved it. She loved knowing that he was always there and that everyone else did too. They checked pretty much all of the boxes that most at their age did or didn’t. They were prom king and queen, flirted openly and often, did everything together, they were practically inseparable. She was living a dream and she can confidently say that she had the prime “high school romance.” 

But of course, there was so much bubbling beneath the surface. 

You take two volatile teens in a notable on again/off again relationship that come from broken homes. Should you really be surprised when they eventually break up for good?

God was it messy. There were times where it was great and just the picture perfect love story, and then almost immediately after they were going at each other's throats. She couldn’t understand that he had other things outside of her and she really only liked the idea of him. And he couldn’t understand that he never prioritized her and was generally not nice to be around a lot of the time. Both of them didn’t get that they weren’t likable people to everyone else and even more so to each other. 

Then there was the Halloween party, the fighting, and the mutual cheating..ugh Chloe could go on.

Now, even though she was half to blame for most of their issues, she didn’t hold any ill will towards iit. They were both young and stupid. It was never meant to last forever and they’ve both grown as people since then. Thankfully, they’ve made up after the years have gone on and she prefers it that way. The only thing she regrets now is how that relationship came to be. 

How, despite “winning” she still lost. And that loss was the beginning of the end, the thing that started it all. 

Madeleine. 

Exhaling deeply, she watched as her breath coated the glass, absentmindedly rubbing at it with her finger. Acrylic nails tapping against the pane she stares outside, hoping that might take her out of her mind. It doesn’t. 

Oh, Madeleine. What else was there to say? So much yet so little at the same time. On the outside, it was obvious. She hated her. She spread rumors about her, thought she was annoying and a pain in the ass, slutshamed her, made pretty much the entire school hate her as well or at least feel uncomfortable around her. She was Middlesbrough High’s favorite joke told by the perfect comedian. 

No one knew who she was, well they thought they did anyway. She was this mysterious looming figure, an urban legend to simultaneous anger and turn on the student body.

Depending on who you asked, they either recounted their plights with her or sided with Chloe in that they turned their nose up at even the mention of her. 

“She was a good lay.” 

“Bitches like her deserve what’s coming to them, acting like that. Girl, grow up. This is high school, not the ghetto.” 

Unknowing to them, it was all a lie. None of it was true. Not at all. She never slept around (only Chloe knew that she was asexual. Not that it meant she couldn’t, but she was very repulsed by the idea) , and most importantly, she was nothing like they thought she was. 

She was kind. She was shy, kind of cynical, but had the greatest sense of humor and an even better style. She was something out of a magazine, undeniably someone’s dream girl. 

And the worst part about it, is she was hers. 

She was Chloe’s best friend and out of jealousy that she’d later come to realize was a denial of her feelings, she made school a living hell for her. To everyone else, it was started because she wanted Jake, but to her, it was because she was going to lose her to him. The one person she cared about more than anything was gonna forget about her. 

And she’d never know what she really meant to Chloe.

That was the worst part about it. She didn’t mean for any of it to go as far as it did. All for some guy, and she didn’t even think he was bad for her! She was scared and in her own way jealous of Jake. Why did he get to have her? He didn’t even know her! 

Not like she did. 

The smell of cheap beer hung around the room, cigarettes fuming in through the open window. It was Halloween of freshman year, an unnaturally cold one for whatever reason. Chloe and Madeleine sat huddled together on the ratty satin couch in Jake’s parents' den. 

They were still around at that time, but not that night, giving their son free reign over the house. It was a sad attempt at a high school party, all the alcohol being from his dad’s fridge in the garage and a few kids bumming off the cigarettes Dustin stole from his older brother. Really, it was your standard “kid tries to look cool and fails” party, however to them, it was the coolest thing ever. 

Madeleine had her legs tucked underneath her, Jiji costume wrinkling in the process. She was too tired to care. It was just a black skirt and black tights, not much to ruin. Chloe sat next to her, feet on top of her lap and red headband falling off her head. Having the perks of being friends with the most popular girl in the grade, Madeleine avoided having anyone come up to her throughout the night. The occasional kid asked if she wanted to hang out, but instantly backed down when they saw Chloe. Now though, she was ready to leave, drifting in and out of passing out. Chloe felt the same way and was about to suggest they go when a song began to play through the speaker across the room. 

Maybe it was the wine coolers they’d chugged, both hating the taste and wanting to get rid of it as possible, or the delirium that flooded them both, but things slowly shifted as the sound wafted in their direction. 

“No matter which way you go~”

Chloe tilted her head to face the other whose eyes glazed over to her lazily. 

“No matter which way you stay~”

Madeleine raised an eyebrow, but looked up as well anyway. Chloe moved closer to her, a dazed giggle escaping her lips, quietly muttering, “This is so stupid.” Before Madeleine could respond with “What?” the girl in the Kiki costume was cupping her face, ever so gently like she did earlier when Chloe helped her with her makeup. 

“ You're out of my mind, out of my mind~”

Chloe’s lips pressed against hers in a kiss. Taken aback. Madeleine jumped up at first, not sure how to respond. Chloe continued, eyes closed and hand reaching to her shoulder to reassure her. Eyelids darting from side to side, the black haired girl shrugged slightly and returned the kiss. 

Strawberry. So that’s what her lip gloss tasted like. Secretly, Madeleine had wondered about that since Chloe got it a few months ago. She wore it everyday, reapplying it whenever she had the chance. It was the only one she didn’t share with anyone else. Granted, she was the one to have gotten it for her so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but she couldn’t help but be curious. 

“Out of my mind, out of my mind~” 

It was nothing like any kisses she’d had. There was the boy she “dated” for about a month back in Sherbrooke, and then there was her best friend Dustin Kropp, but that was just as a joke to see if they liked each other like that.

They didn’t. 

Now though? She didn’t know how to feel.

On the one hand she liked it, but on the other, Chloe kind of just went for it. Didn’t say anything, just lips touching hers. But, it was gentle. Her other kisses were either messy or rough, nothing like Chloe’s. In her exhausted mind and in spite of it just happening, it felt…good.

Chloe pulled back and opened her eyes, her lip gloss staining the girls already smudged cat makeup. She smirked, watching her sit there stunned for a minute before she chuckled nervously. 

“You’re a good kisser Maddie. But I shouldn’t be that surprised.” She said in awe, earning her a defensive shove from the other. Moving her feet off her lap and to the floor, she turned back and nodded her head in the direction of the door. Hand outstretched to the girl next to her.

“You wanna get out of here?”

Neither of them thought anything of it after that. Things were still the same and Madeleine never asked why she did it. They just concluded that it was the drinking and the curiosity. She wanted to know what it was like, how it felt to kiss a girl and that was that. 

Madeleine would never suspect it meant something, not if Chloe had anything to do with it.

And it did. She didn’t need to nor would she ever know, but it did. It was just one of many things that meant something to Chloe. Even though she was the one to initiate it, it stung when she realized she couldn’t tell Madeleine that it was so much more. Not by any one else’s volition, only hers. Chloe Valentine doesn’t kiss and tell. 

Not until it meant losing the best kiss she ever had. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Madeleine seethed, tears running down her face from across the hallway. 

Chloe shrugged nonchalantly, acting like she wasn’t crushing inside as she checked her nails. “Look, if you don’t want people thinking you sleep around, then I don’t know. Maybe…don’t?” Chloe glowered, sticking her head out as if she was explaining something to a child. “Especially when the man isn’t yours to take?”

Madeleine stood there in shock, speechless. What could she say? 

Chloe knew, she had to know that she and Jake never did anything. Was it a bet? Yes. But she knew he and Chloe were dating and when she stood nervously against the pool table, she told him she was just fucking with him. She was never going to have sex with him. Hell, the bet was just so she could get back at him for sleeping with someone else while he was dating Chloe. And he was wasted out of his mind, so of course he was gonna jump at the opportunity of supposed physical touch. 

Still that didn’t stop him from pulling her into a kiss. A hard one at that. 

And even though it wasn’t anything more, that didn’t stop the others from thinking otherwise. 

It was to get back at him. To show him how he’d hurt her friend, and this is how she reacts? That she’d sleep with her boyfriend when she barely interacted with Jake once before that? Did she really think that little of her?

And yet, she still decided to make her life a living hell. Now as she tried to confront her, Chloe looked like she could care less. A face that once looked at her with such admiration and softness just stared at her like she was nothing more than a headless barbie.

“I told you, I never slept with him. He kissed me ! Do you really think I’d do that to you?!” Madeleine shook her head incredulously at Chloe, turning away so she couldn’t see her crying. Her face was growing red and she closed her eyes to take a shaky breath before glaring at Chloe again. 

Chloe hesitated for a moment. Maybe she was telling the truth? This was Madeleine, her friend, she wouldn’t lie about that. And her face made her want to tear her eyes out. How could she do this? Truly, what was wrong with her? That she’d watch her friend, her best friend, tell what had to be the truth and not even say anything? However, she just couldn’t stop herself, as much as she wished she did. She sniffed in disgust and rolled her eyes, walking away without turning a blind eye. 

Other kids stared at her with equal looks of annoyance, shock, and revulsion. Them having to see that and hear her try to state her case? Ugh. Chloe was right. She really was fucked up. To pretend she didn’t sleep with him and beg for forgiveness? Pfft. It was laughable at best and pitiful at worst. 

As she saw them all turn to stare at her, their expressions barely hidden, she turned around and stormed out the door. She knew she was telling the truth, and still she didn’t care? Just left her there standing like an idiot. 

Typical. 

The one person she thought would be different, that didn’t see her as a “whore” was just like everyone else. 

The next morning after taking Christine home, Chloe couldn’t stop thinking about it all. She finally had a decent friend, someone that saw the changed version of her. Someone that saw beyond the bitchy exterior she’d held for so long. She had no idea why, she of all people didn’t deserve it, but by the grace of some higher power, she was lucky she got it. Christine was an angel and she most definitely wasn’t. She would never be.

But she didn’t have to be an angel, to be better. Not to earn forgiveness or demand it, just to grow as a person.

This relationship, she wouldn’t fuck up. Not this time. 

“And so maybe, it was easier for me to hate you. Because then, even though I was lying to myself and I’ll forever regret it, I wouldn’t have to face what I’d spent so long to disguise. 

It helped me forget that I loved you.

And I’m not saying this to excuse what I did. There’s just no doing that. Nor am I saying this for you to forgive me. I don’t want you to. I just want you to know that I’m sorry, but that is all. What I did was, horrible, to put it at the very least. The fact that I would ruin our friendship, be such a bitch to you over you telling me the truth and my refusal to listen to you, haunts me to this day. I knew back then and I know now that you’re not like that. You’re so much more than that. 

And most of all, you didn’t deserve it. You never did. Especially when I made you feel like it.

I really hope you’re doing okay now. Without me in your life and believe me, it’s for the best. I want you to be happy. I know things will never be okay between the two of us and I understand that. It was my own fault, not yours. I just wanted to tell you because I never had the guts to before. 

Love, Chloe. ” 

Putting the paper aside, Madeleine didn’t know what to say. Speechless, once again. For once, Chloe somehow didn’t make it about her in the way she usually did. Expecting to be forgiven when she really didn’t deserve it, or when Madeleine didn’t want to. She’d hurt her. So much. And though she’d never know to the extent she had, this was…something. 

Something in the right direction. 

Madeleine pulled her knees up to her chest and looked up at her ceiling, trying to fight the feelings fluttering around in her chest. The other seemed to have shown genuine remorse and she appreciated that she didn’t come in person. 

She didn’t forgive her though. She couldn’t. Not right now. 

The black haired girl sniffled, why did it still feel so weird? She graduated already, high school was over. Why should it bother her? It bothered Chloe still to some extent, so that kind of made it better? But it still hurt in a way she couldn’t explain. She just wanted to forget about it. 

“Demain, dès l'aube.” She muttered, slipping the letter into her bedside drawer. She turned off the lamp and crawled in bed, swallowing the lump that sat in her throat refusing to go away. Like a cat sitting on her neck, suffocating her. 

“Tomorrow, at dawn, maybe I’ll forget that I love you.”