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Chapter Text

Tomioka Giyuu briefly knew peace. When he was a young child catered to by his sister, he felt mostly at ease. He did not hold many worries then. His sister was a strong and responsible woman, she had quickly taken over taking care of him after their parents’ death. 

He did not remember his parents much and his sister had become his whole world. She was a mother and a father. A friend and a sister. 

Those were some happy and peaceful times. 

But the world was not a kind place. His sister was snatched from him by cruel demons. 

From then on, he learned that peace was not unconditional. Not while demons still existed.

He had moments of peace with Urokodaki and Sabito. But even then he knew that those moments were numbered. Not until the threat of demons was eliminated.

And he had been right . 

He hated himself for having been right.

Giyuu’s life was dedicated to annihilating demons. He was ready to give his body and soul to the cause. His deepest wish was to die happily in service and be done with this existence of constant hurt and losses. It would have been a great end. 

But he must have done something incredibly terrible in his past life, because that wish was not granted. 

The eternal felicity had come, but it did not take Giyuu in the process.

And who knew that peace could be so confusing. 

He had no family and no specific goal. 

Tomioka Giyuu wanted to die. And that was a horrendously sad thought. 

Every day he thought of it. But he knew he owed survival to himself and to the thousands of fallen slayers.

Surviving was once a tenuous thing. But it became his duty. 

He had looked death in the eyes when he was little more than a child and he had now the responsibility to live. 

He could learn to live. He was willing to. He had friends who cared enough about him. People still needed help. Some wandering demons were still hiding in the dark forests. 

Tomioka Giyuu would wake up at dawn. Head to the next village. Slay demons on the path if there were any. Offer his help to the villagers. Assist people in any way he could. Eat what was given to him and then go to bed wherever it could be possible. 

Sometimes he slept. Often he could not. 

He was waiting. 

There was no other alternative for him. 

***

Funnily, the war had made everyone slightly warmer and less on edge. 

The first time Giyuu had stumbled upon Shinazugawa Sanemi, sitting cross legged on the tatami, sipping a cup of tea in an inn he had stopped by for food and shelter, he thought the man might scream angrily at him. 

It was the first time he had seen him since briefly meeting him after the battle in the Butterfly Estate. 

Surprisingly, no cuss, insult, or general look of contempt was thrown his way. Shinazugawa had simply looked at him expressionless, before nodding a greeting. 

Albeit slightly confused, Giyuu gave him a slight bow. 

He went to sit on the tatami, at a table next to where Shinazugawa was. 

Somehow, he could feel a sharp look digging at his side. Glancing up at the Wind user, he could see several nerves bulging out of his forehead and a very angry expression on his face. 

“Think you’re too good to sit with me?”

Giyuu did not know if it were him who always did things that were not socially acceptable, or if Shinazugawa was always quick to jump to negative conclusion. 

He gave him a rather deadpanned, confused stare. 

“You did not invite me to sit with you,” 

Why every time Giyuu said something simple and direct it was always faced with angry looks of disdain. 

Shinazugawa had even more veins popping off and he was turning red. 

Giyuu thought he looked a bit like a fly.

“Look you dipshit, I am actually trying not to throw this table at you out of mutual respect and past history. Don't make it harder for me,” 

Giyuu raised  up an eyebrow, “it did not seem like you were trying,” 

Again, direct and simple sentences tended to cause anger and disdain. He thought that he could start talking in riddles. He would have to ask Tanjiro if it were a good idea. The Kamado brother was more socially aware and sometimes gave him advice. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” 

Shinazugawa had snapped one of his palms on the table and was shooting daggers at him with his eyes. His other hand was brought up in front of him. He had contorted it and it had veins popping off of it. Giyuu never understood why Shinazugawa always did that bizarre hand thing, as he called it. It did not even seem specifically threatening, just a bit silly. 

“Are you really an insensitive fuck or are you a complete dumbass? We know each other and we greeted each other. The next thing to do is obviously to come over, you dumb fuck,”

Giyuu tilted his head with an, “ oh ” sound. Then, he pushed himself up and then sank down next to Shinazugawa, “I will sit here then,” 

Shinazugawa grunted in exasperation. The guy was most definitely riling him up on purpose. 

He let himself sit down nonetheless. 

The Water man was weird as fuck. 

Giyuu thought that Shinazugawa had gotten softer since the war. He would have never just screamed a bit and hit a table before calming down before. He could not even remember a day where the Wind Breath user did not bear his sword at him at a meeting. 

They sat in silence until Giyuu had gotten his meal. 

“What have you been up to?” Shinazugawa asked rather absentmindedly. 

Giyuu shrugged, looking down at his food, “nothing much,” 

A muscle went in Shinazugawa jaw, “you mean to tell me that for the past few months you have just been moving from inn to inn sightseeing?” 

“No. I go from village to village to offer my help,” then, he remembered that Tanjiro had told him to always speak in full sentences, so he added, “I visit Tengen’s and Kamado’s households sometimes and I go to the Butterfly Estate for medical checkups once a month,” 

That should do. Giyuu was proud of himself for being a functional human being who could converse with other people. 

There was a long silence before Giyuu remembered Kamado Nezuko’s words to him: a conversation is like playing with a ball. It is give and receive . 

But wouldn’t Shinazugawa get mad if Giyuu was being too nosy? 

“How about you?” He spoke before he could think it through very much. Shinazugawa made him very anxious and he didn’t like being cussed at.

To his surprise, he did not get mad, simply shrugged while taking a sip of tea, “pretty much the same except I don’t visit anybody,”

But that was a lie. Giyuu knew from the Kamado siblings that sometimes Shinazugawa would drop by when no one was home to leave some treats. 

He refrained from commenting on it though. 

The rest of the meal was spent in silence. 

Shinazugawa was the first to leave with a nod and a wave. 

Huh , the war truly had made everyone slightly warmer and less on edge... 

***

The next time Tomioka Giyuu saw Shinazugawa was at the Butterfly Estate. 

He had come by for a monthly checkup. 

The butterfly girls had presented him with a medication the late Kocho had developed to stall down the effects of the Demon Slayer Marks. 

He took the vial of pills and put it in one of his pockets. 

Giyuu was smiling to himself as he walked towards the exit. 

Kocho was long gone but she still left her knowledge behind. 

She was the brightest person Giyuu had ever known. 

It pained him that she was gone. But he was glad for her in a way. She could finally rest and be with her loved ones. 

She was a good woman who always talked to him, even at his worst and never took any offense in anything he had said. 

Well…Kocho probably found tormenting him humorous. But still…She was, erm, fun in a way. 

When death would come for him, he wished to greet her in the afterlife along with the rest of their fallen comrades. 

“The fuck you daydreaming about?” 

Giyuu’s senses had greatly downgraded since the war. Everyone had strained themselves greatly. He was not as good at picking up presences, especially former trained slayers. 

Shinazugawa was crouching down in the front garden, seemingly petting a dog. Giyuu grimaced at the sight of the animal and took a slight step back.

The Wind Breath user quirked up an eyebrow, “didn’t think I would scare you this much,” 

“No,” deadpanned Giyuu, looking pointedly at the animal, “I don’t like dogs,” 

Shinazugawa looked down at the dog, who was looking rather angrily at the Water Breath user. 

“Your soul must be fucking rotten,” he got up to his feet, walking towards Giyuu, “even animals don’t like you,” 

That one stung. But, Giyuu did have people who liked him now. Not many animals appreciated him though. Well, except Inosuke, if he counted…

“Did they give you those meds?” Shinazugawa was looking rather serious as he asked that question. 

Giyuu nodded. 

“Are you going to take them?” 

The Wind user’s question was not really the one he had asked. Even Giyuu could understand that. Him and Shinazugawa were plagued with the same curse. Not the Demon Slayer Mark of course, but the heavy, haunting, insistent weight of guilt for having survived when so many had died. 

None of them felt specifically scared of the Demon Slayer Mark nor of its consequences. 

If anything, they were both patiently waiting for it. 

What was there more for any of them to live for?

That was what Shinazugawa question was about. 

Are you giving up?  

Giyuu looked briefly at the horizon, then shifted his gaze back at the ex-Hashira, “I don’t know. But it would be a waste of Kocho’s time and talent not to take them,”

“Hum,” grunted simply Shinazugawa.

He looked at him rather annoyingly before shrugging and turning back on his heels with a last wave. 

***

Giyuu always made a point to sit down once a week and answer the letters that had been sent to him throughout it. Tengen’s letters were always the hardest to reply to. The whole household wrote it together so it rarely made much sense at all. It was always fun to try and decipher who was writing from the style and tone of it. 

He could somehow make out of it that the household was inviting him for a hot springs trip. That was bound to be very embarrassing. But he quite liked how they always tried to include him. So, he answered positively. 

Tanjiro’s letters often looked like reports. Giyuu tried to add in as many details as he could in his answers. He would be visiting them soon for a few days. 

In his letter, Tanjiro briefly spoke of Shinazugawa. As usual, he had written him many letters and received no answer at all. 

He was told Shinazugawa could not write to save his life. Giyuu was confident that even if he could write, the silver haired man probably would not have anyway. 

Giyuu shifted his gaze towards the fresh parchment in front of him. He, himself, had never written anything to the Wind Pillar. He would not even know what to write exactly. 

A daily life report might be too intimate. Giyuu did that with Tanjiro but the boy was a friend. 

Asking him about his well being would be useless as he would not be answering anyway. 

But…Well, Giyuu still really wanted to be friends. Or at least, not be hated by the man.

How did he become friends with Tanjiro again? 

Talking about past troubles and feelings and then having a cold soba eating contest. 

Giyuu dipped his brush in ink and began writing.

Shinazugawa would probably cuss at him if he were to ask him about his past or his feelings. 

Food was a safe ground though. 

***

Shinazugawa Sanemi was not angry at the world anymore. He felt content. 

He gave his all during the war. Body and soul. 

He lost everyone that had ever counted to him. He did not have a specific goal anymore and was simply helping out people in need until death would come for him. 

Only then, will he be happy again. Sanemi would see his brothers and sisters. He would tell Genya how much he was proud of him. He would be able to apologize to Masachika for being weak. Maybe he would even get to see Kanae. He would probably not know what to tell her. She always made him sort of nervous. 

Sanemi had many regrets. He had not always acted in the nicest way, but he often felt it was the right way. 

He never minded being seen as the bad guy, as long as he could keep his loved ones safe. 

And wasn’t he a bad guy anyway? What did his actions cause apart from sadness and hurt?

He killed his own mother. He abandoned his only brother left alive. He might as well have killed him with his own hands with the way he had been treating the poor boy who looked up to him. 

Sanemi took a shaky breath, ignoring the tingling sensation in his eyes.

It killed him. 

It truly killed him inside to remember Genya, who deserved so much more than he got. 

Staying alive was Sanemi’s punishment. 

For having shed his mother’s blood. For having treated Genya so inhumanly. 

He was not allowed to join them just yet. No, he had to suffer their losses. 

He accepted it. So he was waiting patiently, hoping that this Demon Mark would take him sooner than expected. He prayed for it so hard, every night before drifting to sleep. 

And every day he was disappointed for having to suffer for a longer time.

But it was fine.

It would come. 

It was fine. 

In the dimly lit room of the inn he had been staying at, Sanemi was sitting cross legged at a table. 

The remaining fingers of his right hand were toying with the little vial of medicinal pills given to him at the Butterfly Estate a few weeks prior. 

Not that he would be taking those pills anyway. He was praying rather hard for the Demon Mark to kick-in early and was not about to trifle with its effects.

The other hand was holding a letter. 

When the crow announced who the letter was from, Sanemi simply shot up an eyebrow. 

He did not harbor any specific rage towards the Water Pillar, but he did not really like him either. 

The man was a special brand of bizarre and he looked standoffish and a total snob. 

He was weird and had no facial expressions. 

But most importantly, Sanemi thought Tomioka was a rather poor excuse for a Demon Slayer. Not because he was not strong. He made it to the pillar ranks, so he must have been strong enough. 

It was rather because he seemed to always wallow in self-pity. Even during the war, Sanemi had to scream at him to take action and stop crying in his corner. 

Sanemi didn’t know the faintest about Tomioka’s life, and frankly, he was not interested. But, most members of the Demon Slayer Corps lost people who were dear to them. Most of them lost their families and friends. Sanemi himself felt like life had stopped the day his mother and siblings died. Even the colors turned dull.

So what ? 

Move the fuck on. Continue fighting. Break some demons’ necks and scream at two or three lower ranked slayers but move the fuck on. 

Ugh . Even thinking about the man made him mad.

But well, he did find it sort of sweet that Tomioka wanted to get along. He had found it rather sweet during the training sessions before the war too but he hated his guts too much to dwell on that. It was definitely very bizarre, but still a bit sweet nonetheless. 

It was sweet in a pitiful way. There he was Tomioka Giyuu, the Water Hashira, who survived the war against Kibutsuji Muzan, strong and fierce but desperately trying to gather as many people he could that would tolerate him enough to have a conversation with. 

It was so pitiful, it was almost funny. 

But hey, it would probably not hurt to go along with him once or twice. 

Like, not enough to be actual friends because Sanemi was still not that desperate nor kind, and quite frankly, he did not like the man very much. It was a matter of basic compatibility. 

But they could maybe be like old colleagues who went through the same stuff. 

Provided Tomioka did not annoy him into ghosting him. 

Which was very likely. 

Sanemi read the letter again, and puffed out a laugh. 

Tomioka was such a fucking child . 

He wanted them to have a cold soba eating contest in the same inn they had met a few weeks prior in a week. 

He scrunched up the letter and threw it on the wooden floor. 

Still toying with the medicine vial, Sanemi thought about Tomioka’s letter. He was not one to judge considering he had never bothered to learn how to write, but he still noted that the handwriting was highly shaky and irregular. 

If memory served him right, Tomioka had always been right handed prior to the battle. 

He lost his writing arm and he was still insisting on sending letters. 

Popping open the vial of pills, Sanemi threw two of them in his mouth. 

Pff, Tomioka was so pitiful indeed. 

Chapter Text

Shinazugawa Sanemi was sure of one thing; Tomioka Giyuu could eat way more than he ever could. Which was surprising, considering the man was shorter and smaller than him.

Well, it was really just a couple centimeters and a total of two packs of rice less in terms of weight. 

But he quite liked the idea of being better than him. 

But , Sanemi would never ever admit defeat and surrender to Tomioka. That aloof bastard could fuck right off. He already looked at everyone with airs of superiority. 

Sanemi would rather give himself a stomach flu than lose. 

He had won the cold soba eating contest and rubbed it right in front of Tomioka’s emotionless face. 

Then he went to the restroom. And barfed right off.

How the fuck could that guy eat that much? 

***

Tomioka Giyuu did not actually expect Shinazugawa to be at the inn a week after he had sent the letter. 

He was pretty much convinced that the man would rather cut off his own leg than show up.

Well, the universe was turning out to be very surprising. 

Shinazugawa accepted the cold soba eating contest. 

He did look slightly sick though. 

Maybe he did not like cold soba. Shinazugawa liked ohagi. 

Maybe next time, Giyuu would ask him to go eat something sweet instead. 

***

Sanemi thought that the Butterfly kids were scheduling his appointments the same days as Tomioka on purpose. To annoy him for some occasion where he had been rude to them.

Truth is, he was not even going to come to that specific check-up. He mainly had to because he was still suffering from stomach related issues due to the cold soba incident. 

Being the reason for his current suffering, Tomioka was the last person Sanemi wanted to see at that moment. 

But there he was, sitting on the porch of the Butterfly Estate garden, having a staring contest with a dog. 

Sanemi shot up an eyebrow, “glaring at the dog isn’t going to make him like you,”

Tomioka snapped his head towards the Wind Hashira, looking at him pointedly, before addressing him with a firm nod as a greeting. 

He brought his gaze back at the animal, “I am not glaring at him…,” 

If Sanemi didn’t know the man was fucking aloof and emotionless, he’d think he was sad over the damned dog. 

Those were the only words they had exchanged, before Sanemi had to leave for his appointment. 

Curiously, Tomioka was still there by the time he had finished. The dog had wandered away somewhere. 

The Wind pillar had no intention of stopping for a chat. He had intended on walking straight towards the exit now that he was sure Tomioka had not given him a stomach indigestion with his damned cold soba. 

“Why do you never button up your shirt?”

Sanemi shot up an inquisitive eyebrow and turned towards the Water Pillar. He obviously had that aloof expression. But he was looking straight at Sanemi with his head slightly tilted to the side. It made the grown ass man look almost like a curious kid. Sanemi could almost smile at that.

Almost . As if he’d trade smiles with that weird dude.

The Wind Hashira stared down at his visible chest, smirking down at himself.

“I have big muscles and battle scars,” he looked up at the blue eyed man, “obviously, I’d want to show them off,” 

“Hum,” Tomioka hummed and looked vaguely up at the sky, “if I had similar scars, I would not want to show that to people,” 

There went Sanemi’s resolution not to beef with that fucker.

He could feel veins popping off in his forehead, “listen here you little shit,”

“It might scare people,”

“Which is exactly what I want. I want people to see me and think that I am a big scary man with huge and strong muscles,” he said through gritted teeth.

Tomioka’s gaze went back on him, “ uhum ,” he nodded, “I don’t think you’re that scary looking,”

Sanemi had made a step in his direction, with the intention of telling him to fuck off because he had been too nice to him lately and the man might have forgotten what being hated by the Wind Pillar felt like.

“I suppose you are nicely built though,” from the corner of his eye, Tomioka noticed the Butterfly Estate’s dog appearing from the bushes. 

Sanemi rarely felt at loss of words. You could always count on him to cuss you out if you confused him. But for some reason, Tomioka’s off-hand compliment made him forget whatever insult he was about to throw. 

It was too fucking unexpected. 

And then he went to stare at that dog as if he hadn’t just told him he was built nice. 

The silver haired man looked at him pointedly for a few seconds before shrugging and turning back on his heels. 

He would take the compliment. He did feel pretty well built. 

***

Sanemi wondered if Tomioka knew he could not write. Most of the Water Hashira’s letters were statements. As if he were not expecting an answer. 

He had sent him a letter a week prior, but Sanemi couldn’t help but re-read it.

Apparently, Tengen had invited him for a hot spring trip.

No matter how he looked at it, hot springs with the Tengen household and Tomioka was bound to be hella funny. 

Those people had no qualms nor shame. 

He could picture that Tomioka weirdo being flustered all by himself. 

Sanemi wished he were there just so could make fun of the water guy. Even though, to be quite honest, he would have been hella uncomfortable too. But Sanemi was not a socially odd guy. 

He chucked the letter in his pocket and continued his walk towards a certain gravestone at the Demon Slayers’ cemetery. 

He had just spent several hours at his brother’s monument. Mumbling apologies and holding in his tears, all while ignoring the atrocious feeling of guilt eating at his heart. 

There was no specific need to come there. Sanemi talked to his brother in his head all the time. But he felt the need to force himself to face the consequences of his actions. 

Knowing what had happened to his brother was one thing, but standing in front of the tomb and telling himself, “ see this? You did this. You killed him ,” was necessary. 

Since he was there he passed by Masachika’s memorial. To remind himself that his family were not the only ones he had failed. 

Then, he walked towards Kanae’s monument. 

The closer he was getting, the clearer the figure of Tomioka Giyuu standing in front of it got. 

As far as he knew, Kanae and Tomioka barely knew each other. He recalled that she was nice enough to talk to the Water Hashira two or three times but that was about it. 

But maybe Tomioka was just doing rounds on dead comrades or something.

As he got closer, Sanemi noticed that Tomioka had not at all been standing in front of Kanae’s grave but rather at her sister’s, Shinobu’s. 

Were they that close? Sanemi couldn’t really recall. 

Tomioka noticed him approaching and gave him a nod. 

They didn’t say much for a while. Sanemi internally apologized to Kanae. He hadn’t been paying much attention to her at all. 

Rather, he was curious. 

He was throwing quick, furtive glances at Tomioka. As usual, the man was the definition of stoic. Not a muscle moved in his face. 

But for some reason, Sanemi thought his eyes seemed a bit odd. As if they were carrying some sort of emotion in there. 

“Were you close?”

Tomioka took his sweet time to answer. Sanemi almost wondered if he had heard him at all. 

The Water Pillar brought his gaze up towards the sky.

“Uhum…She used to talk to me a lot,”

The silver haired man shot up an eyebrow, shifting towards him, “and that’s an indicator of closeness in your books?”

He shrugged, tilting his head down back at the tombstone, “Kocho liked teasing and making fun of me,” he sighed and then turned, his back facing the Wind Hashira, “it was fun being around her,” 

Sanemi dragged a hum. That was probably all he was getting out of it. 

Which frankly was enough. 

Tomioka liked Shinobu. He didn’t know if he liked, liked her, or if he was just so detestable, he remembered fondly the only person who greeted him in the hallways. 

It was bizarre, though. To think that Tomioka was not a stoic, snobbish entity but rather an actual guy with feelings. 

Tomioka had just been standing motionless there. 

It was the afternoon, but the sun was not very bright. Somehow, the little sun rays were lost in his messy dark hair. Upon closer look, under the sun, some locks did not seem as dark. They were shades of dark brown. His hair was way shorter than it had been before. His nape could show whenever he tilted slightly his head. 

Sanemi was not the most attention oriented man but he noted that his nape was slightly paler than his overall skin tone. His previously long ponytail probably sheltered it from the scorching sun. 

“Shinazugawa?” 

Tomioka had turned to face him again. 

“Hum?” It seemed like the Water Pillar had talked to him, but Sanemi was in a black hair, pale nape internal analysis for some reason. 

He waved around with a white bundle  in his hand.

“Would you like to have tea and some ohagi?”

Yeah, the man was still weird as fuck.

“In a cemetery?” 

Tomioka shrugged, “I see it as having a picnic with  fallen comrades,” 

He kept giving little waves with the bag. He still seemed very stoic with no specific expression on his features. 

Sanemi glanced up at his eyes. He could see there was some sort of emotion in them, but he couldn’t quite figure out what exactly. 

Letting out a long breath, Sanemi crouched down, to sit cross legged on the ground, in front of Kanae’s tomb. She would have probably liked the whole ordeal. Might have brought her own contribution to the picnic actually. 

Without looking up, he reached up his hand demandingly. 

Tomioka crouched down, putting down the white bundle on the floor, and took out the sweet delights, placing one in Shinazugawa’s palm, before settling on the ground, in front of Shinobu’s grave. 

Sanemi had followed him with the corner of his eye. 

He wanted to ignore the little pang of hurt in his guts so bad. 

Screw empathy, really. 

But part of him thought that it was so dang sad that Tomioka could not both hold the bag and take out the food considering he only had one arm. 

Was he managing alright on his own? 

They ate in silence. 

The ohagi had a very odd texture though. But the taste was not so bad either, maybe a bit less sweet than they ought to be.

“Where did you get these?” There was no way such unshapely ohagi could be bought in any shop. 

“I made them,”

Sanemi snapped his head towards the dark haired man, “with one arm?”

“It just takes more time,” he shrugged, taking another bite.

Tomioka’s face did not move an inch, but Sanemi thought there was something in his eyes. As if he had something to say.

Ugh, the man was so fucking annoying. Couldn’t he talk like everybody else instead of letting him guess his mood and thoughts or push him to ask questions as if he were a fan?

This time, Sanemi wouldn’t ask. 

Tomioka took another bite. The vague look of discomfort in his deep blue eyes.

Huh ? 

That was odd.

Sanemi had lost the ability to see vibrant colors the day he had killed his mother. The shades of blue were always hard to discern. They seemed green-like to him. 

But Tomioka’s eyes were very blue. 

A deep ocean sort of blue. He had nearly forgotten that color completely, but he was sure of it; Tomioka’s eyes held the ocean in them for sure.

With discomfort in them since a hot minute too…

Nope , he was not going to ask. 

But was it discomfort? 

The Water Pilar took a last bite, finishing his treat and instantly reached for his cup of tea. 

Ugh , or were the feelings in his eyes supposed to show annoyance ? 

Sanemi couldn’t tell.

But he wouldn't ask. 

Tomioka could fuck off or learn how to talk like basic humans. 

“You don’t like ohagi?”

Fuck Tomioka and fuck his blue eyes and fuck his inability to be functional in society. 

“Hum?” He sipped his tea calmly, unaware that the Wind Pilar had killed him thrice in his head, “I think I made them too sweet,” 

Sanemi wanted to swat his head to relieve his anger. 

But he simply sighed deeply. 

“They weren’t sweet enough,” 

“I don’t really like sweet food much,” 

So, it wasn’t discomfort, nor annoyance. 

It was just him being fussy . 

Sanemi had to bite the inside of his cheek so as not to laugh. 

That idiot might think it was camaraderie. 

A long time had passed since they had been there. 

The last drop of tea Sanemi had sipped had been cold. 

Tomioka had not said a word. He had laid his remaining left arm on his popped up knees and had his head on top, looking at Shinobu’s grave. 

Sanemi noted that the skin on Tomioka’s nape was, indeed , paler than his face. 

What was there to fondly remember about Shinobu? 

She was strong and bright. Sanemi talked to her sometimes. More so because she was Kanae’s sister than out of sheer appreciation. 

She was never as pleasant as her sister. She wasn’t particularly nice either. In fact, she was malicious and a bit mean. 

Maybe that was Tomioka’s type or something. Women who were pocket sized but were sharp tongued and might kill you. 

Sanemi did not at all relate to that. He liked pretty and nice women. Like, the genuinely kind, self sacrificing sort but who were also not total dumbasses. 

“You like ‘em mean,” 

Sanemi violently bit his own tongue. He had not planned on saying that aloud. 

Thankfully, Tomioka had the social skills of a broken chair, so he simply tilted his head to the side in confusion. 

“Whatever,” he flailed a dismissive hand, signaling the end of the conversation. 

***

Two weeks later, Sanemi stumbled upon a rather tipsy Tomioka at the inn they had met for the first time. And it was a sight to remember.

Apparently, he had helped a local that was stuck under a pile of wood due to the harsh wind the night before and to thank him the man kept offering him saké. 

That dumbass was too socially inept to even know how to politely refuse. Especially since he couldn’t just say no, considering it was a village he often passed by. 

Tipsy Tomioka was not much different from usual Tomioka. 

His face was stoic and emotionless. But his eyes were slightly hazy. 

And, he seemed more in a daze than genuinely stoic. 

He barely even reacted when Sanemi sat right beside him. 

“Shinazugawa,” Tomioka slightly bent his head in greeting, but he did not turn his head towards the Wind Pillar. He was looking straight ahead while taking yet another sip of saké. 

An elderly woman popped her head from the door and nodded towards Sanemi, “is he a friend? A villager offered to share several cups of saké with him but the old man got drunk rather quickly and his wife had to fetch him before he started undressing in the open. Will you keep an eye on this one? We don’t want any streaking in the establishment,”

“He’s not a fr-,” 

“He is my friend,” responded the dazy Tomioka, looking pointedly at the cup in his hand. 

The woman then gave them a smile and proceeded to take her leave, “then it is settled,”

He had said that before, but really, fuck Tomioka. 

During the brief exchange, the Water Hashira had managed to chug down three more cups. Suddenly, he let his forehead drop down on the table. 

Sanemi’s tolerance threshold had reached its limit. He could feel the anger bubbling up inside of him, and the clenching in his jaw was starting to become painful. Two or three veins around his forehead might have popped already. 

He looked down at Tomioka, and grabbed him by the collar, very much intending on flinging him across the inn’s garden to bring some sense into him. 

But as his remaining fingers grazed his nape, Sanemi stopped dead in his tracks. 

Slowly, he relaxed the flexed fingers that were gripping the fabric, straightening them on that pale nape. 

It was confusing . As if his fingers had a mind of their own. 

He went to grip yet again the fabric with those two fingers, he did so slowly , dragging them back down, slightly grazing Tomioka’s skin with his nails before clutching at his collar yet again. 

Suddenly, Tomioka snapped back up, straightening his back in a sitting position and abruptly brought his hand on his neck, draping Sanemi’s hand in the process. 

“What are you doing?” 

Sanemi felt like his heart had missed a beat, “I was grabbing you by the collar to fling you across the garden,” 

It was the truth. He had been intending to do just that. But somehow, Sanemi felt as if it had made up a quick lie after being caught doing something he was not supposed to.

Tomioka, still slightly in a daze with his hazy blue eyes and disheveled appearance, shook his head, “that is not very nice,” 

“Yeah, well, letting people take care of your drunk ass isn’t very nice either,” 

Slowly, he let his head drop back again on the low table. This time, he had his head turned towards the Wind Hashira. 

“Don’t you dig people who are mean to you, anyway?”

“Hum…No, I like nice people. No one likes mean people,”

Sanemi sighed, and pushed himself on his feet, “that’s why people don’t like you ,” 

The silver haired man extended an arm, “come on, did you get a room here?”  

Tomioka slowly reached for his arm. He had intended on clasping Shinazugawa by the forearm, but feeling slightly hazy, he missed it and grabbed the hem of his shirt instead. 

He was not sober enough to register his reaction but he figured that if it had bothered him, there would have been some cussing and a sword fight involved. 

Giyuu could feel the Wind Hashira drag him up the stairs. 

To be quite honest, if he had been alone, he would have gone up the stairs alone with little to no issue. 

But well, Shinazugawa was feeling benevolent and he thought that if he were to not take the arm he had offered him, the silver haired man might get angry and cuss him out. 

The room was dark and Giyuu still felt a bit tipsy. 

He felt himself being thrown onto the futon and noted that Shinazugawa had absolutely no delicacy.

But well, he was willing to help, which was a far way from bearing his sword around whenever he saw him. 

Sanemi thought that a lot of things in life were cute. 

Dogs were cute. Especially when they were happy and they wagged their tails. 

His mother was cute. She was small and dainty and always smiling. 

All of his siblings were very cute kids. Even when they were being fussy. 

Uhum, well , he guessed Kanae was cute too. But she always was. That was her whole persona. 

Tomioka Giyuu, letting himself be dragged across an inn, being in a bit of a haze while holding tightly the hem of Sanemi’s sleeve was not a cute sight. 

If anything it was a pitiful one. 

What sort of Hashira couldn’t hold their booze? 

Well…He did drink way more than he ought to. 

And it did remind Sanemi of his years as an older brother. So maybe it was a little bit cute. 

When he dropped him on his futon, Sanemi purposefully put a bit more force into it. Just for good measure. As a punishment for making him feel some sort of way and reminding him of his siblings. 

Tomioka was looking up at him, his blue eyes seemed darker than usual. 

That hazy gaze almost made Sanemi nervous for some reason. 

“You have a scar on your face,” 

And there he went, ruining the moment in typical Tomioka fashion. 

Sanemi sighed, “no shit, genius,” 

He turned around in his heels. That was enough Tomioka antics for the next few weeks. 

“Sabito had a scar on his face, too,” 

He scrunched up his eyebrows, mentally reviewing the people they commonly knew, trying to put a face on a name. 

Nothing came to his mind. That was not a Demon Slayer he knew, nor a Hashira, nor any dude at Wisteria stops. 

“Sabito being who exactly?” He turned his head towards the mess Tomioka was on the futon.

The dark haired man sighed deeply, and fixated the ceiling, “He is a friend,” he added a few seconds of consideration later, “he was a friend,” 

Sanemi raised up an eyebrow. He couldn’t remember Tomioka being friends with anybody in the Corps. He never even saw him talk to anyone apart from Shinobu and Tanjiro. 

“He was a Demon Slayer?”

“Uh-uh,” Tomioka shook his head, still looking up, “but I would have never been one without him.” 

Sanemi took a few seconds of consideration as Tomioka went silent, probably drifting off to sleep. 

That was way too much information than he had ever wanted to know. It almost made him uncomfortable as he wasn’t sure Tomioka would remember the interaction or not. 

What exactly was he supposed to do with that?

After a while, Sanemi made his way out of the room. 

***

That night, as he was laying on his futon with his arms crossed under his head and his gaze fixated on the ceiling, Sanemi's thoughts wandered to Tomioka. 

The man seemed way more human than he ever thought. 

He was weird as shit . That fact was undeniable . 

But if you took your time, his deep blue eyes talked way more than his mouth. But it needed deciphering. 

He did not like sweet food. 

He was fussy and very awkward but probably not mean spirited. 

The dumbass thought they were friends and he could very easily let himself be pushed around by people he considered close. 

Having any sort of similarity with Tomioka Giyuu was very bizarre. But, he too probably had a thing for a Kocho woman and he too lost a comrade that made him who he was among the Demon Slayer ranks. 

As he drifted to sleep, Sanemi wanted to punch himself for being completely unable to chase the image of Tomioka, holding the hem of his shirt away from his head. 

He grabbed his pillow from under his head, and slammed it on his face a few times. 

Tomioka Giyuu was a grown, large man. He was Hashira level of strong. He had firm muscles, a bunch of scars and no right arm. 

That thought calmed Sanemi down, so he stopped the self-inflicted aggression. 

Tomioka Giyuu also had deep hazy blue eyes that for some reason, Sanemi could see, and a very pale nape. 

He slammed himself a few more times for good measure.

Seriously, fuck Tomioka Giyuu.

Chapter Text

Giyuu thought that Shinazugawa was oddly angry with him. 

He could not quite figure out why though. 

He said oddly because the man still accepted his offer to go eat together after a quick joint mission.

The wisteria family had been converting several of their estates into charity hospitals, orphanages and so on. They mostly welcomed orphans who lost their families to demons, long term blood art effects or disabilities caused by demons. 

They sometimes requested help from Ubuyashiki, who sent requests to those he thought would be available.

Giyuu never refused. But it had been the first time he met Shinazugawa in the process.

The Water Hashira was positive that Shinazugawa was angry because of his tipsiness antics. 

He recalled everything. He was not quite drunk. And he couldn’t figure out what he had said or did that could particularly tick off the Wind Pillar. 

He remembered him sighing and grunting the whole time, but it was hardly ground for the silent treatment nowadays. 

As they were waiting for their food, Giyuu sighed deeply. 

Shinazugawa had kept silent the whole time and it made him so sad . 

He thought they had grown to be friends and then he went and ruined it somehow. 

Thankfully, that spot had very good salmon daikon. And that would always cheer Giyuu up. 

The food was brought up and he gladly dug into his plate. 

He was onto his second bite when he felt scrutinizing eyes on him. 

Slowly, Giyuu turned his head towards the man beside him. 

Shinazugawa had his elbow resting on the counter, with his chin on his palm, and was looking at him with squinted eyes. 

He tilted his head slightly to the side in an inquiring manner. 

The silver haired man simply shrugged and reached for his chopsticks, “you were smiling,” 

Oh, so that was the reason. 

Giyuu went back to his food, “I apologize for that,” 

“For what?” he asked, bringing up an eyebrow, digging into his noodles.

“I was always told my smile was unsightly,” he took a deep breath, “Kocho used to tell me to turn my head or look away whenever I did.” 

Giyuu noticed that Shinazugawa kept his eyes on him for a long while, with a gaze he could not quite comprehend, before shrugging and getting back at his food, “she was just a teasing bully,” 

He refrained from telling him that Kocho was not the only person that had said that to him. Everyone could not be a bully. 

They ate in silence until Shinazugawa cleared his throat, bringing Giyuu’s attention to him. He then jerked his head towards the other side of the counter, where a young woman had been peeking from behind a wall, looking rather lovingly at Giyuu. 

He threw a quick glance at his attire, thinking that maybe he had a stain somewhere on them. 

“Look at you all popular with women,” 

Giyuu looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, glancing at his cup thinking he might have drunk something. 

Noticing his confusion, Shinazugawa added, gesturing discreetly towards the lady, “that woman is interested in you,” 

The Water Hashira glanced back at the lady, who upon meeting his gaze, disappeared with a squeak behind some curtains.

“Really?” He titled his head to the side, “but I do not train other people to Water Breathing. I should direct her towards my master if she meets the criteria.”

His claim was met with dead silence, and he started pondering on why the woman would even need Water Breathing when the threat of demons was not around anymore. 

Giyuu felt a slight vibration at his side and when he turned towards his companion, he found the Wind Pillar, clutching his stomach with one hand, and clasping his mouth with the other. 

Suddenly, Shinazugawa burst out laughing out loud, throwing his head on the counter and smacking it a couple times.

The dark haired man was beyond confused. 

Shinazugawa was even trying to talk but couldn’t make a single correct sentence in his fit of laughter. 

“ Ah ,” he exclaimed, bringing a hand, to wipe at his eye, “didn’t know you could joke, Tomioka,” 

Giyuu’s whole expression was the definition of being at loss, “I…I was not joking…,” 

He could see Shinazugawa trying his hardest not to fall into another fit of laughter again, reaching for his cup of water to bring back his senses a bit. 

“I meant interested in you, like…Romantically,” he was still smiling while wiping the laughing tears out of his eyes. 

Giyuu rose up an eyebrow, “I do not think I’ve ever been specifically popular with women romantically,” 

“You’re not popular, point , Tomioka,” he brought up a hand to rather violently tap at Giyuu’s back, “eat your food, dude. You’re so fucking weird, it’s downright hilarious. Been a while since I laughed like that,” 

Giyuu retained two things from the whole ordeal. 

Somehow, he had made the silver haired wholeheartedly laugh. 

And , Shinazugawa called him by his name, twice . Not you, not you dumb fuck , not you standoffish jerk, no cussing, just, Tomioka . 

For some reason, that made Giyuu smile way more than salmon daikon did. 

Sanemi sort of understood Shinobu. 

That man was weird and awkward. 

It would have made anyone want to bully him a bit. Just enough so the fucker would shift his facial expressions a bit. 

He did not expect him to smile though.

Not that Tomioka had a specifically dazzling smile. It was just a little odd. He never smiled. In fact, he never showed much of anything. 

That was probably why it made Sanemi feel slightly fuzzy and just a tad bit captivated. 

He could not quite figure out why he had the vague feeling of wanting to monopolize that smile somehow though. 

Maybe that was what Shinobu was trying to do by telling Giyuu he should not smile. 

***

As they were leaving the restaurant, Sanemi noticed Tomioka’s vague glances towards his left. The silver haired man followed his gaze several times but there really was not much except some bushes, trees and a total of five wooden houses. 

After the seventh or eighth glance, Sanemi stopped dead in his tracks, looking at the man with a quirked up eyebrow. 

Tomioka gave him a confused look to which he replied by simply jerking up his head towards the left. 

The Water Hashira fixed his gaze on those long trees. He then slowly let his head drop down, letting out a long sigh. 

“Over there is Nogata town,” Tomioka threw a glance in that direction, “That is where I was born and lived, until…,” he cut himself off, letting out another sigh, “Well, until I left,” 

So Tomioka Giyuu was from Toyotama district. Commercial districts did not suit him at all. He would know, since Sanemi too was from a commercial town. 

The Water Hashira looked more like someone who grew up in some recluse mountain with no human interaction. It was either that, or he was a very rich noble who was not allowed to talk to other people unless they were nobility too. 

“Will you come down with me?” 

Sanemi shot up an eyebrow. 

Yeah , he was most definitely being too nice to this creep and now he was getting cocky and overly friendly. 

Just when he was about to tell Tomioka to fuck off to his hometown alone, the man turned and looked straight into his eyes. 

Sanemi could swear there was some sort of emotion in them. It was not annoyance, nor fussiness, nor anger, nor discomfort. Those, he had learnt to make out. 

It was something else. 

Something that made his eyes slightly more narrow, a tad bit more hazy. 

It vaguely reminded Sanemi of his eyes when tipsy. 

Ugh , but what was the emotion? 

Lost in his thoughts, Sanemi had not noticed that he had been slightly leaning forward. As if the closer he got, the better chances he had at understanding Tomioka. 

“ Erm , Shinazugawa?” 

That snapped him back to reality, “Oh, sure,” 

Tomioka nodded, and led the way down west leaving a rather dumbfounded Sanemi behind. 

Why the fuck did he even agree to follow him? 

Ugh , fuck Tomioka Giyuu and his deep blue eyes. 

***

Nogata town was, as expected, a buzzing commercial spot. 

Tomioka was leading the way, walking about two steps ahead of Sanemi. He had his head cast down so he could not have a clear look at his eyes to try and guess whatever he had been feeling. 

They had crossed the whole town in silence. 

Sanemi had been looking up at the sky the whole time, wondering why the fuck he had been dragged to do this and thinking of all the stuff he could have done instead of following Tomioka around. 

“I used to live here,” 

“Hum?” 

In his wonders, Sanemi had not noticed that they had left the commercial center behind, and that they were in a rather secluded area, with nothing but an old wooden house in ruins. 

It seemed rather small. Only slightly bigger than the Kamado house. 

Tomioka was most definitely not a spoiled nobility child. 

He took a few steps to stand right next to the Water Hashira, and threw a few furtive glances at him. 

Indeed, there was still the same expression on them. The one he could not quite figure out. 

Sanemi brought his gaze back to the demolished house. 

Whatever had happened was not pretty. 

He, himself, could never bring himself to go back to the house he grew up in. 

Was Tomioka an orphan? 

There were sometimes talks about him in the Butterfly Estate hallways or among the lower ranked slayers. 

He cursed himself for not having been attentive enough to them. 

Back then, Tomioka Giyuu was an enerving aloof snobbish asshole who deserved a few punches and also one hell of an eyesore. So he did not care much to listen to what there was to say about him.

Well , he still was all of that. 

But he leaned more towards the annoying and less towards the genuinely aggravating. 

And he had deep ocean blue eyes. Those were not eyesores. 

His pale nape was not an eyesore either. 

The rest was still very unsightly. 

Alright, maybe his dark hair too, but only when the sun shone on it otherwise it looked like a pile of black hay. 

Tomioka took a few steps towards the house, then crouched down, reaching with his hand to place it on what probably used to be an engawa. 

Sighing, he dropped his head down, “do you ever wonder if staying alive is worth it?” 

Yup , every day actually. But Sanemi was not about to open that can of worms with the Water Pillar. Moreover, being on civil terms did not come with unwrapping internal feelings. 

So he shrugged, and closed the distance between them in a few steps, standing right next to him, “I reached the goals I set myself in the Demon Slayers Corps. That helped and avenged a lot of people, so my life is worth it enough,” 

He dropped his forehead on a pile of wood with a sigh, “you don’t understand.” 

There he went in typical Tomioka fashion, saying highly aggravating statements that basically meant everyone else around was an idiot and could not understand anything.

In any other situation, Sanemi would have at least attempted to slash his other arm, for good measure. 

But, the silver haired man simply grunted in exasperation and gave the crouching down man a slight knock on the head with his knuckles. 

Tomioka looked up at him in confusion but Sanemi simply sighed, crouching down right next to him. 

“If I don’t understand, then explain to me,”

He could see the slight surprise in those ocean blue eyes. Tomioka must be wondering why he had not received a single cuss or hit since the start of the day. 

Frankly , Sanemi did not know either. 

Maybe the sudden loss of all his close acquaintances made him consider the aloof asshole as a little more than a crushable insect. 

“My-, erm …,” Tomioka gazed at the ruins that the house had become, “my sister, Tsutako, was going to get married. She had managed to save up and got some very pretty kimonos for the wedding. She was very happy,” he let his forehead drop back on the wooden surface again, “I was happy too. But, erm …,” Sanemi noted that his voice slightly changed, getting a bit deeper, “a demon got into the house the night before. She wanted to give me time to run away, so, she…,” 

He did not finish his sentence. He did not need to anyway. 

Sanemi understood him very well. 

She must have been a very nice and courageous older sister. 

“Maybe I should have died way back then, I don’t…”

Tomioka was cut off as Sanemi brought up his hand to give him a few light slaps on his neck. 

“Don’t overthink it,” he kept his hand on his neck, “as I said, you helped, rescued and avenged several people. You didn’t live in vain, that’s for sure,” 

The dark haired man did not answer him for several minutes, keeping his head casted down, “I guess thinking about it makes me a bit sad ,” he sighed deeply, “and everytime , someone has to come talk me out of these moods; Sabito, Tanjiro. Now you. It is an even sadder thought…” 

Oh. Oh!

That was the emotion on Tomioka’s eyes. 

It was sadness . 

He was feeling sad and melancholic at going back to his hometown.

“But this is a bit soothing,” he had turned his head to the side, and he was looking up at Sanemi, with the same smile he had shown him while eating that damned salmon. But there was a slight glint in them. That pair of eyes seemed to hold the whole ocean inside. They were glassy with the corners slightly squinted. 

It was all so captivating .  

Tomioka continued, “the circular motion of your thumb. It is a bit soothing,” 

The- what?

Sanemi could swear his hands and fingers had a brain of their own, because he absolutely did not intend on doing that . 

In his confusion and slight embarrassment, he drew back his hand to slap Tomioka’s neck, harder than he had hoped. The dark haired man audibly gasped in pain and surprise. 

“Why…,” it sounded a bit like a whine as Tomioka brought his hand to rub at his neck.

Sanemi wondered briefly if he looked as confused as he felt. 

He felt like his body had suddenly gone way warmer than it ought to be. Or was the sun giving him a heatstroke? 

Shaking his head to clear his mind, he gave another slap that landed on the back of Tomioka’s hand, “b-because it can’t be all sweetness and light,” he then pushed himself up on his feet, purposefully avoiding meeting Tomioka’s eyes as he fixed his gaze on the forest. 

Tomioka quirked up an eyebrow, but got up slowly, “I would not use sweetness nor light to refer to you,” Sanemi was about to turn around and tell him to fuck off , but he added, “but thank you, Shinazugawa. I am feeling a bit better.” 

What was up with Tomioka fucking Giyuu and making Sanemi feel some sort of fuzzy way. People thanked him on the regular, and he always felt pretty neutral. It was his duty, so there was no reason to be happy. 

But at that moment, he felt genuinely glad for having contributed to cheering him up. 

Sanemi really understood Shinobu at that moment. 

Trifling with such an aloof guy was oddly satisfying. 

Making him smile gave a sense of achievement, since he never did. Understanding his feelings was such an accomplishment, because he never talked. 

But that did not explain the blue eyes fixation, nor the whole neck thumb incident. 

Maybe Sanemi was the problem.

Otherwise, why was he still following him up Mont Sagiri? 

***

Urokodaki was a strict but incredibly kind man. He was not one for many words but he was always glad when Giyuu or Tanjiro would come visit him. 

He had vaguely heard of Shinazugawa Sanemi through slayers and exchanged letters. 

Curiously, he expected someone way more on edge than the awkward but very polite man that was following Giyuu around. 

He could not remember a time when Giyuu introduced anyone but Tanjiro to him, so he was happy that the young man was making friends. Since Sabito’s death, he had become cynical and melancholic. But he was doing better. 

Reaching for a few ingredients from a basket, Urokodaki decided to make both of them a nice hearty meal. 

They had sacrificed their lifespan for the world. It was the least he could do. 

Giyuu never built any memorial for Sabito. There was not much left of his body to do so anyway, as was often the case with demon attacks. 

Moreover, Sabito had no family, nor relatives. So, really, the only ones mourning him would be Giyuu himself and master Urokodaki. 

But there was a spot Giyuu liked going to in Sabito’s memory whenever he visited Urokodaki. 

Up the hill from Urokodaki’s house, there was the boulders’ area. It was a very small circular land in the middle of the tall trees where there was only a little green field. 

Giyuu and Sabito used to have so much fun over there. 

That ought to be Sabito’s memorial. 

“I hope you have a valid reason for dragging me up here, Tomioka,” complained Shinazuagawa, rolling his eyes as he walked a step behind him. 

“I always come by when I visit my master,” he stopped upon reaching a bunch of boulders of different sizes, “Sabito and I used to train here a lot.”

The Wind Hashira did not comment further. 

Giyuu took it as a clue that he did remember him talking about that the night he had drunk one too many saké cups. 

“He was a good friend and a strong student,” he crouched down in front of it, letting his forehead hit the cold rock, “he should have been the Water Hashira, not me.” 

Shinazugawa kept quiet. 

He let Giyuu have his silent prayer moment and did not say much until they were coming down the hill. 

“ Oi , Tomioka,” 

That got him to turn around to face him, “hum?”

“You know one of the reason I used to fucking hate your gut s a while back?” 

Oh , past tense !

Giyuu was trying his damned hardest not to smile at that. 

“Because you were always wallowing in self-pity,” he jerked his head back at the green area, “your friend over there saved your ass and so did your sister and instead of taking the opportunity for having been granted so many chances at life you were being a poor excuse of a human being,”

Was that his way of making Giyuu feel better because it was absolutely not working and he was starting to feel worse than he did before Tanjiro talked some sense into him. 

Shinazugawa chucked his hands in his pockets, and started walking again. 

As he was about to walk by Giyuu, he reached for his head with his hand, delicately ruffling his hair and lightly scratching his scalp in the process. 

Somehow it sent a shiver down Giyuu’s spine.

“You got better at not doing that though. Probably why I tolerate you these days,” he shrugged and walked down the mountain, a few steps ahead of him.

Giyuu remained motionless there for a few more minutes. 

He felt as if he had unlocked an achievement akin to a beast tamer. 

If he were able to make Shinazugawa Sanemi not hate him, then maybe his social prowesses were not that bad anymore. 

He quickly followed the Wind Hashira. 

They walked back to Urokodaki’s house in silence but Giyuu could not help but throw a few furtive glances at his companion. 

For some reason, he felt the uncontrollable urge to smile his way down but he figured he would look unsightly, so he bit his cheek from the inside.

***

Master Urokodaki and Tomioka both insisted on Sanemi spending the night there and leaving in the morning. 

But no could do. He was already still figuring out how the fuck he had followed him all the way there to start with. 

He was in great need of a space without Tomioka so he could reflect on his actions a bit and try to understand them better. 

Moreover, for some reason, he was sure that he would not be able to sleep in the same room as that guy. It would be too fucking awkward and embarrassing. 

But, Tomioka insisted on walking with him down the mountain, so he allowed him that at least. 

As they were walking, Sanemi, who was a few steps ahead, felt the need to comment on that, “you know, that’s why you’re popular with women until you open your mouth. You’re actually well-mannered,” 

Tomioka shot up an eyebrow, “Do people see me as ill-mannered?” 

He shrugged, “you say some pretty rude stuff sometimes. I’m not a woman though, no need to walk me to places,” 

“But you’re my friend,” 

That rubbed Sanemi the wrong way. He had been way too nice. 

But he did not comment on it. If that was how that guy wanted to see him, whatever, so be it. 

“Shinazugawa, do you have a family?”

He shrugged, “none of your business,” 

“ Hum …How did you become a Demon Slayer?” 

Sanemi clicked his tongue. Tomioka was starting to get annoying. He sped up his pace before the conversation could get into uncharted territory, “why do you care?”

But Tomioka was persistent, and had followed his rhythm, “I am curious,”

“Don’t be curious about me,” 

“Why not? We are friends,” 

“Nope, we are most definitely not ,” 

He could hear the Water Hashira’s steps stopping. 

“I-...,” he started, before swallowing hard enough for the other man to hear him despite having his back to him, “I thought we grew to be friends. We shared meals, drinks and I talked and showed you more about myself. Now, I want to know more about you ,” 

Tomioka was so fucking annoying that Sanemi was starting to get actually angry. 

Without turning back, the Wind Pillar stopped his fast paced walk, “I don’t know where you heard of these “ steps to be friends ”, but I never signed up for any of it. You want to share your business out in the open, that’s your call but I will keep mine where it belongs and I sure hope I won’t find your nose in it because I might fucking break it if you ever ask me anything about myself again. Understood?” 

He turned around for that last bit, feeling like a few veins had already popped around his eyes and forehead. Tomioka had the talent of riling him up. 

“ Understood ?” He repeated through gritted teeth, “I fucking hate your guts and I never was and never will be your fucking friend,”

The Water Hashira was standing rather motionless except for that single hand lightly fiddling with the side of his pants. 

That little action somehow made Sanemi’s heart squeeze so hard. And he couldn’t help but remember the tipsy Tomioka, holding the hem of his shirt through the inn. 

“ Oh , I… Erm , I am,” Tomioka’s eyes were unfocused and he was fidgety, uncomfortable in his own sandals, “I apologize. I think I misunderstood our interactions.”

Looking up, Tomioka fixed his gaze on Sanemi and he felt like the ground had crumbled under his feet. 

Those deep ocean blue eyes were darker and smaller. 

There was a turmoil of emotions in them and it was much much worse than the eyes of sadness of that morning. 

And Sanemi wished that he had not understood what Tomioka had felt.

But it was in the slightly pursed lips and the confused eyebrows. 

It was in the lost gaze and the wrinkled forehead. 

It was in the fidgety stance and the clutching of clothes. 

Tomioka was hurt . 

He had hurt him . 

And fuck did that feel fucking awful . 

Sanemi swallowed hard, and took a step towards him, “Tomioka, I-,”

“It is alright,” he cut him off quickly, “I am used to being disliked. Farewell, Shinazugawa.” 

And then he vanished suddenly with a Hashira's stealth and speed. 

As soon as he had left, Sanemi grunted audibly, and violently slapped his palm on his face. 

Fuck Tomioka Giyuu and his big deep blue eyes and the hurt expression in them for eating at Sanemi and haunting him weeks later. 

But in reality, he had been a complete asshole to Tomioka and snapped at him for basically no reason. 

So really, this time, he thought to himself, "fuck you, Sanemi".

Chapter Text

Letters always came from Tomioka. Sanemi did not know how to write anyway.

He had always been the one to send his old sickly crow with a letter that had general life information, a place, a time and a date for them to grab something to eat.

It was either that, or they met randomly.

He had hoped to get a glimpse of him at the following check-up at the Butterfly Estate but he was informed Tomioka had skipped because he had been traveling south. 

There was no such luck that time.

The weather was getting warm, and Sanemi was enjoying the sun rays in his light kimono, as he laid sprawled on the engawa of his estate. 

It had been a month since the last time he had talked to Tomioka.

No invitation came after that. No letter either. 

It was expected. Sanemi had made things clear, so they had very little reason to interact. 

It was not that he missed him or anything, but it was fun to fuck with him a bit. 

He had odd reactions and he always seemed out of it. 

But he was funny in his own way.

He did not talk much but if you got a better glimpse of his eyes -....

Sanemi suddenly felt the usual pang of guilt whenever he remembered that hurt look in those blue eyes. 

If things had been the same as a few months prior, Sanemi would not even have noticed that something had shifted in his demeanor. 

Sighing, he pushed himself up on his feet, walking towards the kitchen. 

He had been unnecessarily mean. Sanemi knew that much.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with him. He just did not quite like talking about himself nor his past. 

He was not very proud of what had happened and he would rather not bring it up in the open.

Then again, Tomioka must have felt bad bringing up such traumatic and sad experiences too…But he still wanted to share them with him.

Ugh , the clutching feeling in his heart was back again. 

Tomioka had his fair share of life drama. What was the worst that could have happened if Sanemi had answered his questions? 

What if he would pity him? 

Sanemi needed no one’s pity. 

But would Tomioka have pitied him? 

He was not sure.

Upon reaching the kitchen, he found the older lady who sometimes came to help around the house, busy boiling water. 

“Erm,” he started with a bow, “do you know how to write?” 

She was a rather stoic woman, but she liked working there. There weren’t many places who offered employment to women in her situation. But she had to fend for herself since her family had been devoured by demons a few years back. 

She gave him a firm nod.

“Would you mind writing something for me? An invitation to meet at a certain spot?”

“Of course I can, sir.” 

She rubbed her hand in her apron and then followed Sanemi towards his room. 

Maybe this would become a horrendously bad idea.

But Sanemi felt like he had to do something, anything , to fix those hurt blue eyes. 

***

Giyuu did not contact Shinazugawa throughout the whole month that had passed mostly because he did not want to be a bother.

The Wind Hashira clearly told him to leave him alone, so he did. 

But he was still very sad about it.

Weren’t they getting along just fine? 

Shinazugawa did not cuss at him or insult him in any vicious way anymore. He honored all their meetings. They laughed in each other’s company. 

It was fun . Shinazugawa was fun .

Giyuu thought they had gotten close enough to discuss personal issues. But he went and fumbled it. 

He felt so bad. He always fumbled things that were going on alright…

That was probably why people disliked him. 

He got so happy when Shinazugawa used the past tense when he said he hated him but in the very same conversation he said he still did. 

Giyuu felt like such an idiot . 

He had probably annoyed the fellow pillar with his blabbering and self-pitying. He knew he should have just stuck to nice meals once in a while. 

Giyuu was not very strong-willed when it came to people seeking him out for friendship, mainly because, well, no one but a few people really sought friendship with him.

So, when he received a letter coming straight from Shinazugawa’s Estate that invited him to meet, he hesitated a total of ten seconds. 

And he mainly hesitated because he did not know if he should take his katana to defend himself against Shinazugawa’s impending anger, or attempt to make and wrap a bundle of ohagi in some linen to chuck it in his sleeve and offer them to be forgiven for his misstep. 

He took both, just in case. 

***

Why would Shinazugawa choose to meet in the creek of dawn, before the sun even set in the middle of Kyobashi ward was beyond Giyuu. 

He figured that the Wind Hashira was not in there for a sword fight. He would not endanger the lives of civilians over petty fighting no matter how angry with him he could be. 

“Tomioka.”

His senses had surely been downgrading after the war because he did not feel Shinazugawa presence behind him at all until he called his name. 

Giyuu turned around to face the silver haired man a few steps away. 

Upon seeing the standing man, Giyuu instantly felt a warmth raging up from the pit of his stomach all up to his heart making it beat way faster than it ought to. 

His stomach was churning . As if he had been sick but he was alright up until a second before. 

And, he felt the uncontrollable urge to smile. 

He forcibly bit the inside of his mouth not to. 

He did not answer back, not because he did not want to, but because in that state, he was afraid of stuttering and making a fool of himself.

Shinazugawa sighed, slightly dropping down his head, “figured you would not want to speak much,” he chucked his hands in his pockets, and started walking past him, “follow me.” 

As he passed by, Giyuu wondered if the man had always carried that sweet smell on him. 

He then proceeded to follow the Wind Hashira, without asking any questions despite his curiosity. 

He did not want to misstep again and be screamed at. 

“You didn’t go to your check-up.” 

Indeed, Giyuu had been south, in Kanagawa Prefecture. 

Now that the threat of demons was gone, he had been thinking about getting an estate down south by the ocean. A nice safe haven to watch the time pass.

He had always liked its deep blue color and the vague sentiment of fear it planted in his heart whenever he was facing it. 

But it still had to be accessible enough by trains. He did not want to be seven days away from his acquaintances. But also a bit far from villages and people.

He wanted a physical constant. It would never leave, nor die. He would be at peace in his calm estate with only the sound of the trees, the waves and the wind. 

But Shinazugawa would probably be annoyed if he talked about that.

“I was south,” 

“South?” He asked, throwing a glance back at him.

Was he asking to know more? 

But Giyuu did not know where their relationship was anymore. 

When was it okay to talk about these things? When was it not?

Where was the line Shinazugawa drew?

“Just, south…,” that would do. 

But he could hear the silver haired man deep sigh, “you really don’t want to talk to me.”

No. Giyuu really wanted to talk more and to listen to him talk too. 

But how did people know on what grounds to stand on in these situations? 

Was it alright to just ask?

But what if Shinazugawa would get mad again…He ordered him never to ask stuff again.

It was all too confusing.

Giyuu felt very brain-fried. 

Shinazugawa stopped abruptly in front of a little building, chucked between many others. He gestured vaguely towards the first floor.

“I-..,” he started, then cleared his throat, “I used to live here. I grew up in the apartment on that first floor.” 

Looking up, Giyuu could only see two windows, and one of them was completely broken. 

The Wind Hashira pointed at a spot on the floor, between their standing figures, “my mother died right here. Erm …,” he shifted his gaze back up at the apartment, “Well, I guess she died once she was turned…I still don’t know where I stand on that. Let’s go.” 

He casually opened the front door, as if he knew no one had been living there. 

Giyuu did not really know what to do besides following him in. 

In fact, he barely knew what to think at all.

Why was he telling him all of that? 

They silently went up the stairs. As they reached up, Shinazugawa opened yet again the door of the apartment, confident that there had been no new tenants. 

Glancing around, there was a very small room and another door to the left. It was a rather small place that would be too small to fit even two people living in. 

“I have.. Erm , I had six younger siblings,” he leaned on the doorframe, crossing his arms, “my father was not around much and when he was, he used to beat everyone in his anger. I don’t recall him much except for being violent, big and strong,” he took a few steps inside. 

Unsure of where to stand, Giyuu remained motionless at the door.

“My mother was such a frail and small woman, really. She was about this tall,” he gestured towards his chest, “maybe even smaller. She was always protecting us from him. Taking so many hits in our stead. Mother was our little hero….Thankfully, the old man died. He was a gambler. He probably got killed for money. No one missed him much…”

Sighing, he planted himself right in the middle of the room, “mother used to work so much to provide for us but she was always back at night, until one day she did not. It was almost dawn when I went to look for her,” 

He dragged himself in front of the broken window, looking down at the street with melancholy in his eyes, “I don’t have a single fucking clue as to why fucking Muzan, may he rot in fucking hell, for fucking ever, would ever have gained from turning a child sized woman with as much strength as a pet bunny into a demon, but my mother came back home transformed,” 

“I-... Erm , my siblings they, em …They probably wanted to greet her, so…,”

“Shinazugawa,” cut Giyuu, taking a few steps inside the house. There was no need for him to torture himself by living the events again. 

“No, I-...,” Giyuu noticed that his voice was very low, he was almost muttering, “I need this,”

Giyuu stopped in the middle of the room, and then gave him a firm nod.

“Five of them died instantly. She tried to attack Genya, but I came in time to throw her out of the apartment. She had gotten so strong...I-I stabbed her as many times as I could, but…The-the sun raised up and all Genya could see was his bloodied mother on the floor and me holding a sharp axe.”

Lost in thought, Shinazugawa did not notice that Giyuu had walked up to him. 

In fact, Giyuu himself did not know why his body was acting on his own. But he wanted to comfort him, in any way he could. 

Reaching up with his arm, Giyuu placed a hand on Shinazugawa shoulder and gave him a light squeeze.

“She was already gone once Muzan got her. You saved your brother and several potential victims. It was honorable,” 

Shinazugawa shrugged, bringing up a hand to rub at his eyes, fearing some bottled up tears might have found a way out, which was not the case. They were just slightly red around the corners.

“Yeah, well, only to go ahead and kill him myself a few years later. I murdered my mother, and then I murdered my brother,”

“You did not murder any of-,”

Shinazugawa gestured vaguely, “it would be an insult to them to say I didn't. Even if I had the best intentions, I still caused their deaths. I don't want sympathy nor do I want to be painted as the hero that I clearly wasn't,” he sighed deeply before continuing, “I try to own up to what I did and go forward, accepting that being the only one alive is my punishment to atone for how I behaved. Which is why I brought you here; to own up to it.”

He turned to fully face Giyuu, whose hand was still on the man’s shoulder, giving it tight squeezes in hopes that he would take it as the reassuring gesture it was and not jump to mean conclusions.

“It’s the first time I’ve come since way back then,” he admitted. Locking his gaze with Giyuu’s blue eyes, he continued, “Tomioka-..., no, Giyuu , we are friends and I apologize for brushing you off last time. I was purposefully being mean because I am uselessly guarded sometimes,”

He reached with his hand, and lightly placed it on Giyuu’s waist. 

The odd warmth and racing heart from earlier were back and the spot under the silver haired man’s palm felt as though it were about to melt. 

Giyuu’s attention was solemnly directed towards the hand placement. 

He had his eyes fixated on it.

Shinazugawa probably noticed, as he cleared his throat and averted his gaze away, “erm, I was actually going for your arm but since you don’t have one anymore it landed there. It was too embarrassing to draw away,” 

“Heh?” Giyuu looked up at him, only to find an embarrassed Shinazugawa, looking awkwardly at his left, “ pfft ,” he puffed out a laugh at that sight, but tried to bite his cheeks to avoid smiling or laughing too much and potentially angering the man, “it is fine, Sanemi ,”

Suddenly, he brought up his other hand to Giyuu’s face, placing his palm over his eyes, covering them completely. 

“You can ask me stuff. Whatever you want. And if it’s too much for me to handle, I’ll still try not to be an asshole,”

“Hum…Is my face unsightly?” He asked, referring to the hand covering.

Sanemi dropped down his hand “ugh, why would you say weird shit like that,” he then placed it on the other side of his waist.

Giyuu wondered why he had put his hand there, considering he did in fact have a left arm. He also noticed that his own hand, which had previously been resting on Sanemi’s shoulder, had traveled down, and he was lightly squeezing his arm. 

“Will you come with me to another spot? I gotta show you something.”

Sanemi’s hands were still on both sides of his waist. Giyuu was glad not to be ticklish and completely ruin that rejoiceful moment, because the Wind Hashira had been drawing light circles with both of his thumbs. 

Ah , Giyuu needed to get his heart rate checked soon because it was getting out of proportion. It almost seemed like those thumbs were going to start a fire on his skin. 

“You’re going to stop my blood flow,” Sanemi had a smirk on his lips as he jerked his head towards Giyuu’s hand. Apparently, he had been applying monster pressure for a long minute. 

“Oh, I apologize,” he dropped down his hand, and took a single step back. 

He could still feel Sanemi’s hands on him, way after he had dropped them from there. 

And curiously, there was a small part of him that was craving for those hands to go back there and never let go. 

***

They had walked up a small hill where a rather large estate could be seen at the bottom of it. It was about a few towns away from Kyobashi. 

“I fought a Lower Rank One in there,” he pointed at that large manor, “now it’s owned by a nobleman but back then it was the demon Ubume's residence,”

Giyuu hesitated a bit before talking but remember Sanemi telling him to ask away since they were friends, “is that when you became a pillar?”

He nodded, “I didn’t really deserve the spot, though. I didn’t fight the Lower Rank One alone. I was with a comrade. More like a brother, Masachika,” Sanemi sighed deeply, crossing his arms, “he would have been a far better Wind Hashira than I ever was. And he was stronger than I am too.” 

He turned around, and took a few steps towards Giyuu, whose heart rate problem resurfaced again. 

“He is one more person I could not protect. One more person I killed with my weakness,” 

“You-...,” but Sanemi had cut him off, by placing his fingers on his lips.

Giyuu noted that Sanemi was confusingly tactile. 

He did not mind it though. But still, it was uncharacteristic. 

“We can debate the place of guilt and air out our feelings another time. But do you understand why I brought you here?”

Giyuu opened his mouth to answer, but his lips slightly brushed over Sanemi’s fingers who instantly drew back his hand as if he had been burnt by fire. The dark haired man gazed down at it, noticing that the small hairs on the back of his hand had perked up.

He thought that maybe he had accidentally spit on him or something and now the fellow pillar was disgusted. 

He made a mental note to be more careful. 

“Because we’re friends,” 

“N-not just that,” somehow, Sanemi almost seemed a bit embarrassed for some reason, “I wanted to show you that I too lost my family because of demons and that I too got to become a Hashira on a comrade’s death.”

Giyuu saw Sanemi’s hands reaching for him and felt like his heart had missed a beat. Instinctively, he took a step forward, in a bust of uncontrollable eagerness for the silver haired man’s touch. 

Sanemi placed his hands on both sides of his neck, letting his fingers drape over his nape as his thumbs came to gently brush at his cheeks. 

This time, it was Giyuu’s turn to slowly reach up to Sanemi’s waist, delicately placing his hand in its crook. 

“We are similar,” to imitate Sanemi’s previous movement, he started drawing light circles with his thumb. 

Sanemi bared his teeth in a full on smile that Giyuu had very rarely seen on him. 

Not a mischievous one. 

Not a smirk. 

But a genuine playful smile. 

“In some ways,” then he threw a glance at his side and added, “but you’re still weird as fuck I gotta say, you throw some very odd comments sometimes.”

Giyuu understood that it was not meant to be condescending nor mean. He was mostly joking. 

But he also noticed that Sanemi was biting rather violently the inside of his cheeks, “you’re gonna have to stop that, though,” he sprang back in a clear jump, “I’m hella ticklish,”

“ Oh ,” Giyuu tilted his head to the side and then narrowed his eyes, taking a step forward towards Sanemi, with his hand still reaching up. 

The silver haired man instantly clutched at his sides and took yet another step back, “ no , don’t you dare.” 

Giyuu could absolutely not comprehend what had gotten over him, but he felt an urge to do just what he was told not to. 

Partly because he wanted to playfully annoy Sanemi, but mainly because now that he had a direct confirmation that whatever he did would not result in the impediment end of the relationship they had, he felt slightly less guarded. 

Down that hill, an old woman approached a fellow villager, with confusion on her features.

“I just saw two fully grown and abnormally fast men race down the hill while laughing,” 

“It must have been two very tall kids for sure.” 

***

Sanemi’s estate was way more simple and traditional on the inside than Giyuu would have thought. He half expected it to be more of a large fighting ground. 

Then again, the only time he had been there was during the training rounds.

Sanemi placed a plate of salmon daikon on the low table in front of Giyuu. 

“It is my favorite dish,” he stated absentmindedly, as Sanemi was sitting down to his right.

“I noticed,” 

Giyuu quirked up an eyebrow, “I don't recall saying it,” 

He shrugged, “you didn’t have to.”

They ate in overall silence. 

It was only once they had finished their plates did Giyuu remember the content of his bag. 

“I tried making them again, sweeter this time,” he then placed a nicely wrapped linen bundle on the table, “it’s ohagi. It seemed like you liked them.” 

Sanemi did not say anything, and simply kept staring from the basket to Giyuu and then from Giyuu to the basket. 

The Water Hashira even slightly started getting anxious, thinking that he might have offended him somehow, yet again . 

“I brushed you off and you got me freaking treats ?” 

Well, formulated that way, it did seem bizarre. 

“I…Suppose I did?” He did not mean for it to be a question, but in his slight confusion it turned out that way. 

Sanemi kept looking at him straight in the eyes for several seconds.

Then, he suddenly grunted extremely audibly in a sound that seemed like exasperation. 

He reached up with his hand, to give Giyuu a slight knock on his forehead with his knuckles. 

“ Ugh , you’re really fucking something, you know that?” 

Giyuu gave him an inquiring look, but Sanemi gestured dismissively his way as he reached inside the basket to grab an ohagi and started biting at it. 

Well , he was not mad. 

Giyuu could be content with that at least. 

A few moments later, Giyuu had let himself drop down on his back on the wooden floor. The weather was nice and he felt rather idle after that delicious lunch. 

Sanemi was still nibbling at his treats. He might be on his way to devour all of them in one sitting. 

They had been silent for a while, calmly enjoying the shared company. 

“How come it was obvious that I liked salmon daikon?”

Giyuu broke the silence, furrowing his eyebrows in wonder. 

He added, “I was told you like ohagi, that is how I know. How did you ?” 

Sanemi chewed on the last bit of the little ball, before turning towards his guest. He slid slightly back in a way that he was sitting cross legged right next to the man’s head.

“It was obvious by your smile and, erm…I guess in your eyes too,” 

He curled up an eyebrow while still sprawled on the floor, “my eyes?”

 Sighing, Sanemi brought up a hand to let it hover over Giyuu’s eyes, obscuring his vision. 

“Has anyone ever told you that your eyes were very expressive,” 

Giyuu could almost laugh at that, but he gave him a slight smile, “I don’t think I was ever told anything about me was expressive,” 

He could hear the puffing laugh of Sanemi, “quite true actually.”

He kept his hand there for a while as they fell silent and then, he let it drop on his face, completely covering his eyes. 

Reaching up with his right hand, he slowly placed his two remaining fingers on his lips. 

“Say something. Anything is fine,” he heard him whisper.

Giyuu tilted his head to the side, his vision obscured, “like what?” He breathed out softly, letting the warm air coming out between his lips brush at Sanemi’s fingers. 

He did not receive an answer, but he felt those two fingers going up and down his lips as he heard a light, barely audible shuddering sound escaping from Sanemi’s lips.  

Giyuu could swear that both of Sanemi’s hands were slightly shaking on his face. 

Chapter Text

Tomioka Giyuu was confusing the fuck out of Sanemi.

And the man was not even doing anything specific , which was even more odd. 

It was just as if Sanemi had woken up one random morning, and his brain started noticing everything about the Water Hashira. 

Like, how the sun rays seemed to always get lost in his dark hair, making him wonder if it was keeping the warmth of the scorching sun inside its locks. And then he would think, what if, just what if he would slowly let his fingers slip through them, tugging lightly at that dark mane and how would Giyuu react. 

Would he get mad?

Would he turn around and look at him curiously?

Would he hiss a breath of pain through those lips in Sanemi’s ears? 

Ugh , those thoughts truly belonged in the thoughts dungeon to never be brought up again. 

Thankfully, Giyuu was dense enough to not notice that Sanemi had been feeling bizarre as of late.

He also did not seem to mind that Sanemi had recently developed the uncontrollable urge to have his hands on the dark haired man at all times. 

***

Sanemi had been sprawled on the engawa at Giyuu’s estate, letting his sore muscles take a bit of the sun’s warmth. 

He turned his head to the side to find Giyuu’s back to him.

He had been sitting by a low table doing whatever for the past hour. 

Deciding that he’d had his share of sunlight, Sanemi pushed himself up and lazily walked towards the house owner. 

Crouching down behind him, he threw a glance at the table from above Giyuu’s shoulder. 

“What are you doing?” He had been at it for a long time and Sanemi was starting to get bored. All he saw was a mountain of papers and a bunch of women’s accessories. 

Giyuu simply jerked his head towards the scattered documents, “those are some contracts I should go over for a modest estate south west of Yokohama,” 

Sanemi planted his chin on his shoulder, “you’re into real estate now?”

The shiver that ran down Sanemi’s back once the warm breath of Giyuu’s light chuckle tickled his ear could have almost made him jerk back a few steps away. But he just moved his head from there, while still remaining in close proximity.

“I always wanted to live by the ocean,” as he said so, he had grabbed a golden hair pin ornate with pink flowers and frills, “the way watching the dark blue water made me feel both calm and slightly panicked of its unknown but somehow give off a welcoming warmth is both uncanny, pretty and interesting,” he laid the hairpin on a very pretty light purple and flowery paper wrapping, “have you ever gotten this feeling?” 

As he asked, Giyuu had slightly turned his head to the side, locking his gaze with Sanemi who had his eyes fixed on him the whole time. 

“I did,” he answered absent-mindedly, “I do .” 

He felt that every time Giyuu looked at him in the eyes. 

That ocean deep blue gaze always made him feel panicked. Sanemi barely remembered the color of the ocean since he lost the ability to clearly distinguish colors. But he remembered that it was close to the color of Giyuu’s eyes. It darkened and lightened with the flow of his emotions and it gave him a slight anxiety that ran through his back but also planted a buzzing warmth in his heart making him want to dive more into it. His eyes were uncanny, pretty and so so fucking attractive, that Sanemi felt like he could spend the whole day, sitting on the floor, crossed legged, with an elbow on his knee, his chin on his palm, and Giyuu in front of him.

Just looking. 

Giyuu slowly drifted his eyes back to his wrapping and Sanemi cleared out his throat, hoping it would also clear up his mind from any blue eyes wonders. 

He threw a glance at the accessories on the table, which were all obviously made for women. 

Sanemi raised an eyebrow. 

It was one of two; Giyuu had a secret cross-dressing hobby. But even the thought of it was quite funny. He had heard there were several men who partook in this activity in red-light districts despite the governmental restrictions and the closing of several of these businesses. 

But the requirements to partake in these hobbies were pretty strict. 

And Tomioka Giyuu, being a fairly tall, lean and muscular man, with a firm and tight build due to years of training and fighting would never make the cut. 

Or , Giyuu had a lover. 

And for some reason, that thought did not sit well with Sanemi, even though he couldn’t quite explain why.

It was as if a small voice in his head was hoping that Giyuu did in fact do cross-dressing in his free time but only in his house or something. 

“And this?” Sanemi pointed at the accessories, his voice coming out way more raspy than he had intended.

“These are gifts for Nezuko,” 

Tanjiro’s demon sister ? 

That was who Giyuu was courting?  

“She has been kind and helpful to me. I sometimes send her things I think would look cute on a little girl,” 

“She’s not so little,” commented Sanemi flatly. He could feel his anger flaring up.

“ Hum ? I guess she did grow up,” he answered rather absent-mindedly, busying himself with the wrapping which made Sanemi’s anger rise-up even more. 

Crossing his arms on his chest, Sanemi furrowed his eyebrows, “you shouldn’t be this nice. She might think you’re courting her or something,” 

Giyuu almost choked on his own spit, “ w-what ,” he cleared his throat to pass the discomfort, “she’s a child ,” he threw a highly flabbergasted look at Sanemi, “why would you even say that?”

He shrugged, “isn’t she like almost sixteen or something? That’s when girls receive their first offers most of the time,” 

Giyuu was still looking beyond confused, “and I will make sure to send her a congratulation gift if that happens,”

“All I am saying is that six or seven years might be a good age gap for a couple and it might be misunderstood,”

“Misunderstood by whom ? I fail to see who out there cares about this. Well, Zenitsu does seem annoyed sometimes, but I believe that kid to be a bit odd,” 

“By-.." Well that was a very good question. Who would even care that Giyuu was sending gifts to a girl. Why was Sanemi bothered again? 

“By I don’t know,” he concluded, jerking his head to the side to hide his slight embarrassment and complete puzzlement.

Giyuu brought his gaze back down at the wrapping, furrowing his eyebrows, “do you think I am being a bother? Maybe I should stop this…,”

“W-what? No! Don’t do that, I just-...,” he could feel the heat rising up to his face and he really didn’t want Giyuu to see him all flustered, “send your gifts. I’m just being nosy.” 

The Water Hashira threw him another puzzled look but soon went back to his wrapping. Nezuko had never minded his attention and she always seemed happy.

Moreover, he liked the Kamado siblings and he could never think of nice ways to express that. 

Maybe Sanemi wanted to receive gifts too. 

Giyuu looked attentively at the comb-like hair ornament that had a light yellow butterfly on it. 

He grabbed it and turned towards the brooding man next to him. 

He then carefully reached up to plant that hairpin in Sanemi’s messy hair.

The man simply looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, but with such a hairpin in his locks, Giyuu could not take him very seriously.

“ Pfft ,” puffed out Giyuu at the sight, “you look funny.”

Sanemi thought he probably looked ridiculous. Those  sort of cute, frilly accessories were not made for gruff, scary, buff men like him. If it had been anyone else pulling this joke, Sanemi would have already snapped some necks in two. 

But…The appeasing sight of Giyuu having some silly fun was a far greater emotion than any anger. 

Still lightly chuckling, Giyuu reached to take the hair ornament back only to have his hand slightly slapped as Sanemi drew back his head. 

“Leave it there,”

Giyuu raised up a puzzled eyebrow, “but…”

Sanemi flailed a dismissive hand, “you are already giving that girl a shitton of gifts. She can do without this one.”

It wasn’t that Giyuu did not understand why Nezuko did not need more gifts, it was more that he did not get why Sanemi wanted to keep that one. 

He looked at the silver haired man and his silly hairpin for a second before shrugging and going back to his business. 

It did look cute somehow. 

With his head bent down like that, Sanemi had a pretty clear view of Giyuu’s nape. 

As if possessed, he straightened up, wobbling on his knees to place himself glued to the dark haired man’s back. 

The surprising sudden proximity made him instantly stop his wrapping activity. 

“W-what are you doing?”

Sanemi reached up with his hands, to encircle Giyuu’s neck from the back. He had his fingers sprawled in front, with his two thumbs pressed on his nape making up and down motions, reaching all up until the start of the little dark hairs, and then back down to his cervicals. 

The little hairs on his neck were all springing up as small goosebumps appeared under Giyuu’s skin. 

“Your nape is paler than the rest of your body,” he said calmly, continuing his motion.

Giyuu swallowed down audibly, “as is often the case with people,” 

“I don’t pay attention to people’s napes,” and he continued, dragging his thumb way down and then up again, lightly scratching those little locks.

“And you pay attention to mine?”

“Yes,” he answered back simply.

“Yes?” He asked to have further explanation on that.

Sanemi slowly let his head down, resting his forehead on Giyuu’s head. He looked down at that pale nape and felt a surge of annoyance rise up in him as the little goosebumps had disappeared. Displeased, he slowly puffed out a warm breath, up and down Giyuu’s pale neck. He smirked to himself once the little creeps on his skin appeared back again. 

Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply before letting his face plunge completely in Giyuu’s hair, rubbing his face on those raven locks. 

His neat smell was inebriating, intoxicating even. 

Feeling out of breath and slightly out of it, Sanemi detached his nose from Giyuu’s hair but kept his forehead glued to his head, resuming the delicate up and down motion on his skin through those calloused thumbs. 

The two of them remained that way for a long while, until Sanemi peeled himself away, silently walking back to the engawa, laying down on his side with his back to the other man.

Giyuu did not turn back, nor did he throw a single glance back at Sanemi. 

He had kept his head down, taking deep but silent breaths to regulate his heartbeat but unable to stop his hand from shaking uncontrollably. 

***

Sanemi had spent the entire day at the Butterfly Estate.

He was not sick, rather, he was quite sure that he and Giyuu had the same medical check-up days. 

However, the man had not shown up yet. 

The sun was starting to set and judging by the clouds, a rainy night would await. 

As far as he knew, Giyuu had not notified anyone that he would be going south again. Not that he needed permission to do so, but Sanemi would have gotten a bit angry if he had upped and left without writing to him about it.

It was strange, that need to monopolize him. 

Sanemi had yet to understand the puzzlement that he felt by Giyuu. 

He waited all day long in the Butterfly Estate garden but it was not until an hour before sunset that the Water Pillar graced them with his presence.

Sanemi instantly sprang up on his feet, walking swiftly towards the man. 

“You’re late,” 

Giyuu took a step back as soon as he noticed that the man had been walking towards him. 

“Erm, some villagers needed help on my way here,” he shifted his gaze towards the ground and if Sanemi didn’t know better, he would think the man was embarrassed, “there will be rain tonight. They were reinforcing their roofs…,” 

“Oh, alright,” Sanemi slowly let out a breath he did not even know he was holding, and then brought up his hand, to lightly brush Giyuu’s hair away from his forehead, “go see the girls for your medical visit, I will wait for you,” 

Sanemi let his hand drag down to let it settle on Giyuu’s cheek.

“Why?” Asked Giyuu, as he leaned his head completely onto his touch.

“No reason. I’ll just wait for you.” 

They remained in that position for a short while before Giyuu straightened back his neck, and with a nod, walked past Sanemi towards the estate.

Sanemi went back to sit on the engawa, waiting for the Water Pillar to get back. 

He did not even know why he wanted to wait for him. 

He had nothing to tell him and they had not scheduled anything specific. There was no rule that they had to be together whenever they had their medical visits.

But it was an uncontrollable desire. Like everything else Sanemi felt for Giyuu. 

Just like it was uncontrollable that his hands always wandered towards the other man. 

Just like it was uncontrollable for him to want to monopolize his attention. 

Just like it was uncontrollable to want to be in his presence. 

Just like the bumbling fuzziness, the eagerness, the skipped beats of hearts, the shuddering, the thumped breathing, the want, the need were all uncontrollable.  

Tomioka Giyuu was confusing Sanemi.

But Sanemi was confusing himself even more. 

***

Giyuu’s medical visit took a little while and when he appeared back the sky had darkened. 

They walked down the hill from the Butterfly Estate in silence. 

None knew where their feet were taking them. 

Neither had a specific location in mind. 

But they were walking in such close proximity, that their arms were rubbing against each other. And, they could feel the slight grazes of the other’s skin as their hands lightly brushed together with each step they took. 

And then , the storm struck in a disturbing display of violent wind and heavy water drops. 

***

The small wooden shrine they had found shelter in from the tempest outside seemed abandoned for a long time. 

They were both pretty sure it might have been a demon hideout a few months prior. 

But it was good enough to protect them from the weather at least until it died out a bit and to avoid some disease as they were both completely drenched. 

None of them had uttered a single word since they left the Butterfly Estate. 

There was an odd feeling in the atmosphere. Something that always sprung up during rainy days and cold seasons. 

A sense of melancholy and emptiness that they both felt. 

Feeling uncomfortable, Sanemi instantly started peeling off the outer layer of his hakama. He was vaguely aware of Giyuu’s instant gaze upon him and could feel the heat rising up to his face from the embarrassment. 

To hide his discomfort, Sanemi took a step to turn around, giving his back to his companion.

Giyuu had been standing awkwardly, drenched from head to toe with little droplets of water falling off his body to the floor. 

He logically knew that he ought to take off his garment too and lay them out somewhere but he could not move an inch as the other man started removing the layers to his clothes. 

Giyuu had attentively followed as the outer layer of Sanemi’s hakamashita was quickly taken off and laid flat on the wooden floor. 

Soon, Sanemi started peeling off the second layer of his garment. As it slipped down his shoulders, Giyuu’s gaze locked onto the muscles on his shoulders tensing up at his movements. The fabric then slowly came down his firm back and toned arms, covered in several cuts and scars. The gestures made his upper muscles flex tightly and then relax back again with each motion of his body.  

Giyuu swallowed hard as he saw him quickly lay it out on the floor and then straighten himself up.

Sanemi had no reason to feel embarrassed. They were both men and he was used to going around without any upper shirts or with open layers. But the fact that it was Giyuu in front of him made the skin on his arms crawl as a sharp shiver ran down his back.

He kept his back to the man until he heard a light shifting sound. 

Slowly, he turned around to find Giyuu slowly peeling off the outer layer of his hakamashita. With his left arm, he slid it off of his right shoulder, making it instantly fall off. He then slowly reached up, biting down the hem of his shirt between his lips to drag his left arm away. 

Once he looked up at Sanemi, locking those dark blue eyes with him, he still had his shirt between his lips making Sanemi slowly run his tongue across his own lower lip before letting out a low shuddered breath. 

Grabbing his shirt away from his mouth, Giyuu walked towards Sanemi, crouching down to lay his outer shirt next to the other garments and straightening back up again, standing right in front of the other man. 

Swallowing, Sanemi looked down at the button up undershirt Giyuu had been wearing, “why do you always wear shirts with buttons underneath when you only have one arm? It’s a hassle…,” 

Reaching up, with both hands, Sanemi seized the first button between his fingers. 

He reached up with his arm, “I can do that al-...,”

“Let me,” ordered Sanemi in a commanding tone, looking at Giyuu dead in the eyes. 

He could not help but let his hand drop back down. 

Sanemi started making his way down, following the motions with his eyes as he opened the buttons of the shirt until the last one, revealing his firm stomach and chest. Giyuu could feel his heart beating rapidly, each thump reverberating through his chest and almost reaching his throat. He stood motionless, allowing Sanemi to do as he pleased, his gaze fixed intently on the man before him.

Sanemi slid both hands inside the shirt, dragging them slowly up Giyuu’s shoulders.

With no right arm to stop it, the shirt slid down Giyuu’s arm, and fell flat on the floor. 

But Sanemi kept his hands on his shoulders. As he brought his gaze back up to meet Giyuu’s eyes, he let them travel along his arm and side, before slowly descending down his toned muscles, grazing his skin with his calloused fingers, finally settling on his waist. 

Giyuu had taken a step towards him. They were so close, they shared the very same air. He could feel the jagged breathing of Sanemi on his lips. 

He reached up with his hand, placing his index finger between Sanemi’s collarbones, then slowly dragged it down to the waistband of Sanemi’s umanori pants and back up again. He could barely register what he was doing. The urge to do so was uncontrollable. His hands seemed to have a mind of their own. 

Sanemi’s barely audible whimpers made his heart thump even harder as a sudden wave of scorching heat blazed through his entire body.

Giyuu spread his fingers on Sanemi’s chest, slightly grazing his bosom with his fingers. 

They had their eyes locked with each other with no words except soft breaths and slight shudders escaping from their lips. 

In the silence of the night, with only the wind and rain slowly calming down, their rapid heart beats were the only sound in that wooden cabin. 

“G-Giyuu…,” called out Sanemi in a low whisper.

He gently placed his forehead on Sanemi’s one, “uhum…” 

“You make me feel dizzy,” 

Normally, Giyuu would have asked something bizarre and socially odd but he understood what he meant, because he too felt inebriated. As if he had drunk one too many cups of saké. 

Sanemi slowly dropped his head down the side of Giyuu’s head, letting his forehead rest in the crook of his neck.

He thought they should probably stop. Whatever that was had to stop right there and remain in that cabin to never be mentioned again, ever. 

There was still time to backpedal. Sanemi touched Giyuu all the time, it would just be one more of those occasions. There would be no harm done. 

Drawing in a deep breath, Giyuu whispered back, “I feel it too,” letting the warm air escape his lips to tickle and graze Sanemi's ear. 

He felt a shiver run down his back, followed by the instant flaring up heat scourging from his loincloth. 

To hell with doing no harm. 

Not doing anything was way more harmful. 

Squeezing Giyuu’s waist under his palms, Sanemi almost lifted him up as he plunged his head into the crook of his neck, taking in his scent. 

Giyuu had let his hand travel up Sanemi’s neck to tug at his silver locks before pushing him to dive further into his skin. 

Giyuu was inebriating. Sanemi could feel his legs shake from the sheer touch of his hair. 

They couldn’t quite know who had dragged the other down on the wooden floor, but they slowly slid down, sitting on the floor, their legs on each side of the other.

Trapped under each other.

Breathing down the same air as the other. 

Sanemi placed his left hand on the side of Giyuu’s neck as the dark haired man let his hand rest on the other’s hip, lightly tapping on it, in an attempt to make him get closer. 

The silver haired man slid forward, making them in such close proximity that their noses were brushing against each other with their gazes casted down on their hands as their loins grazed each other through the fabric of their umanori pants.

Giyuu’s hand slowly traveled to the front of Sanemi’s pants as the other man followed the same motion with his left hand. 

As they both stopped once their fingers clasped the waistband of the umanori, they looked up at each other. 

While Sanemi noticed that Giyuu’s deep blue eyes were hazy, as if he had been drunk, Giyuu caught a glimpse of Sanemi’s open mouth, which was letting off breathless sounds. 

Swallowing, Sanemi stuck his forehead with Giyuu’s, “we should stop.”

He said simply, in a shuddering low whisper. 

Giyuu simply nodded slowly, his forehead still on the other’s, and their eyes still fixated on each other. 

“Should we stop?” 

Giyuu felt both completely aware of what he was doing yet somehow as if his consciousness was floating . 

His hand was acting on its own accord as it grabbed Sanemi’s waistband, letting Giyuu’s fingers creep up inside his umanori, lightly grazing his groins with his fingertips. 

The dark haired man then slowly shook his head from side to side.

“I hoped you’d say that,” with that, both dipped their hands into the other's loincloths, grasping the hot, hardened member of the other. 

Sanemi hissed and closed his eyes. Letting his head drop back down, he tugged Giyuu’s loins out of his pants, then reached  down with his other hand to tug at the other man’s forearm, letting out his own shaft. 

Giyuu had dropped his head down in the crook of Sanemi’s neck when he felt the man stick their members together. 

He had anticipated the feel of Sanemi’s body against his but it still didn’t prepare him for the almost electric shock of naked chest against naked chest. 

The damness of their skins, the fast beatings of their hearts and the breathless sounds coming from their lips made him dizzy.

He could feel Sanemi grabbing his hand to make it clasp around both of their members as his own hand came to grasp them as well.

The up and down movement made Sanemi arch his back and duck his head back, prompting Giyuu to follow the uncontrollable desire to bite down his neck making the man suck in a pained harsh breath.

The hands clamping down on their shafts in frantic movements made them feel like the cabin had whirled away in darkness with their pleasure rising and only the sound of their harsh breathing filling up the atmosphere as the tempest died out outside. 

Slowly at first, and then all too sudden they felt the heat go up, making them shiver all over their bodies. 

Their pace sped up, quickening with a recognized urgency making Giyuu’s teeth dig further into the skin of Sanemi’s neck as the man whimpered and hissed in pain and pleasure. He brought his hand to clasp at Giyuu’s dark locks, pushing him further into the crook of his neck, rejoicing the feeling of that pleasant unpleasantness.

Helpless groans and shaky breaths were escaping their lips. 

Spasms and contractions of pleasure swept through them, centering around that point of contact between them. 

They held each other down as they convulsed in sheer pleasure. 

It lasted a long time but soon the tide of euphoria started to ebb away, and slowly Sanemi straightened his back while Giyuu peeled himself away from the other man’s neck leaving behind a garish bite mark with droplets of blood in that crook. 

The warm contentment they had felt a minute prior was gone the moment their eyes locked with each other. The full impact of what just had happened finally reached their brains.

Sanemi’s eyes slowly widened into an outraged expression, “ erm …,” 

Giyuu was not any better, he was confused . He was looking at Sanemi as if he had just sobered up and could not understand where or with whom he was, “ hum ?” 

They both looked down at the same time. 

Sanemi’s eyes almost bursted out of their socks as he jumped up in one single move, turning around with his back to Giyuu, frantically tucking his genitals where they belonged. 

Giyuu was still pretty much in an ocean of incomprehension but suddenly felt the heat of embarrassment exploding on his face. He desperately pulled his waistband, to hide away his shame before springing up on his feet. 

Both men stood up looking awkwardly at each other, their faces crimson red with the urgent and overwhelming need to get away from each other and hide under a rock for the rest of their lives. 

Giyuu felt that his hand was sticky, and looked down at it, prompting Sanemi to look down at his own left hand. The dark haired man could almost faint from sheer panic. He wanted to cut off his own remaining arm.

In an attempt to ease up the embarrassment, Giyuu flailed his hand around to get rid of the evidence while Sanemi wiped it on the wooden wall behind him. 

Then, they both looked back up at each other. 

“ Erm ,” started Giyuu, not exactly sure of where to look anymore, “I have to go,” 

“Me too,” answered Sanemi a bit too quickly. 

They both rushed for their clothes only to run into each other head first, smashing their heads violently but quickly bouncing back to grab their clothes. 

Each was frantically putting back his clothes on with a considerable distance between them.

“ Ugh , this is uncomfortable,” declared Sanemi, referring to the wet clothes on his skin.

Buttoning up his shirt, Giyuu turned back towards him with visible worry in his eyes, “was it?” 

“N-no, not that ,” he flailed his outer layer around, “ this .” 

“Oh,” he nodded with a crease between his eyebrows, “where are you going?” He asked as he finished putting on his clothes, even though half of the buttons were undone. 

“Home,” answered Sanemi, turning back around to face the man, “where are you going?” 

“South?” He offered, he was not quite sure himself and he felt like answering anywhere but here would not be very fitting. 

Sanemi started walking towards the middle of the cabin, “when will you be back?”

“In a week, maybe?” 

Giyuu had no clear answer to any of his questions. He had one thought only; get out of there. 

“Will you write to me?” 

They walked swiftly out of the cabin, walking a bit too formally and making sure not to look at each other and only look forward at the forest, “I don’t know. Do you want me to?”

“Maybe?” 

“T-then maybe I will.”

“Okay.”

“Alright.”

Suddenly, Sanemi took a sharp turn to the left, “see you next time then,”

Giyuu followed by taking a sharp turn to the right, “yes, farewell.” 

Awkwardness was not an unusual feeling to Giyuu, but that was on a whole different level than what he had ever experienced and would probably experience in his whole lifetime.

He had one thought only in his head. A thought that was shared by the man he had just parted ways with.

What the fuck?

Chapter Text

After the third night in a row where Sanemi woke up in a frenzy, haunted by hazy ocean-blue eyes and a myriad of passionate whimpers, grunts, and whispers of his name said between shaky breaths, he sprang up set on doing something about it. 

The Giyuu fixation had to stop sooner rather than later. That uncontrollable itch had to be scratched.

The next time he would face the dark-haired man, there would be no subtle touches, no tender smiles, and definitely no getting lost in the depths of those eyes. 

He told Giyuu he would be a friend. But he could not be if he had so many images of him in his mind. 

He would convince his head with force if he must. 

It was the end of that. Whatever that was.

Sanemi’s resolve was very strong.

Until he received a letter from Giyuu. 

It got quickly thrown out the window then.

***

Giyuu attempted to write about a dozen letters to Sanemi. He scratched and tore all of them. Nothing seemed quite right to say.

" How are you doing? " That would be senseless. Sanemi would have to ask someone to write back.

" I apologize for what happened at the cabin. " No. A terrible idea. Giyuu would rather never speak of that particular event ever. He barely knew how that happened.

" I would like to see you. " Horrid thing to say. It was awkward and sounded way too needy.

Giyuu sighed deeply, dropping his head slightly as he crumpled and threw away yet another letter. 

He felt so bizarre . 

Giyuu did not feel like he hated what had happened in the cabin, he just was not sure whether he liked it either. 

It was, ugh , weird to say the least. He was not the sort who would follow blindly his wants and felt like a rather collected person. But he truly did not feel in his right mind. 

As if he were in a mirage where reason did not matter.

He already had trouble understanding where exactly Sanemi and him stood, but now things were even worse. 

What if Sanemi started hating him for having done that and never talked with him again?

Even the thought made Giyuu’s heart squeeze. 

How could he fix this and go back to being close with him?

Maybe going back to the basics was a good idea. 

Their relationship started with food; it would thus continue with food.

***

Sanemi had felt anxious before, but he never thought, in a million years, he would ever feel anxious about seeing Giyuu. 

As he was sitting at that low table, Sanemi felt incredibly stiff. His hands were sweating, and his heart pounded so loudly he thought everyone in the room could hear it. His stomach churned , and he felt an odd sense of restlessness, as if he couldn't stay still.

He suddenly looked up, and his gaze locked into the ocean —Giyuu's deep blue eyes. 

His heart started throbbing, and he could feel it in his throat, as if it were about to come out of his mouth. 

There he was, standing by the door of the inn, looking as stoic as ever. 

It briefly reminded Sanemi of the first time they met after the war. Back then, the only thing he felt towards him was vague irritability but overall total neutrality.

Strange how everything changed in a few months. 

Giyuu walked toward him, seemingly confident, but Sanemi could guess he was feeling equally awkward. Giyuu was slightly fiddling with his hem. He had learnt to read the blue eyed man better from his looks and gestures.

" Erm ... hello," Giyuu said simply, as he went to sit right next to Sanemi.

"Uhum, h-hey...," answered Sanemi, averting his gaze to the side to avoid looking at the man. 

They remained in awkward silence for a while. Sanemi had no idea what to say.

He threw a furtive glance at the man next to him. 

Giyuu's head was slightly cast down, which was a great indicator of how awkward he felt. Sanemi thought he had quite a nice side profile. It gave him an air of nobility. 

Then, his gaze went down to Giyuu's lips and he remembered how soft and plump they felt against his fingers.

And, when the dark haired would huff a warm breath on his skin, it never failed to send a shiver down his back…

No …  

Those thoughts definitely belonged deep in Sanemi’s thoughts dungeon. 

That was not how friendship worked.

"How have you been?" Giyuu's voice broke the silence, making Sanemi snap his head back up to meet Giyuu's eyes.

"...Good. You?" This was a terrible idea. Neither of them even knew how to talk.

"I am alright."

Thankfully , the tea was brought, so they busied themselves with sipping their beverages. 

Sanemi was trying his damned hardest not to look at Giyuu because whenever he did , he could not help but fixate on his deep blue eyes, wondering if they would ever look at him all dark and hazy.

If he dared look down on his lips, unspeakable thoughts of whispers, whines and whimpers invaded his mind.

Averting his gaze up would make him glance at his dark mane and he would not even be able to chase the idea of his fingers roaming between his locks; petting, pushing and pulling.

And if he did so he would get a glimpse of his nape and how could he do so without having his mind plagued with images of his teeth sinking on that tender skin. 

A low shudder escaped Sanemi’s lips and suddenly, he grunted audibly and slapped his palms on the table, the sound startling in the quiet room.

"I need to go," he muttered, leaving the inn hurriedly without even throwing a single glance back at Giyuu.

Giyuu watched the scene unfold and did not attempt to stop Sanemi.

The silver haired man must despise him now...

He slightly dropped down his head and sighed deeply as a hollow ache spread through his chest. 

He missed their conversations, the comfortable silences that passed between them and even the way Sanemi would grumble under his breath.  

He missed him .

Why , he thought with a pang, did he have to go and ruin this camaraderie?  

He should have said no . He should have shaken his head back at the cabin.

He felt so so stupid. 

Giyuu closed his eyes, the sting of regret sharp in his throat.  

He had not even realized how much their outings, laughs and mundane talks had been a bright spot in his life, and now it was gone, replaced by a cold emptiness and gnawing loneliness.

He would fix it. He would find a solution and get Sanemi to go back to being his friend.

Giyuu would give anything to have it back.

He only knew of a single person who would guide him through this or help him find a solution that would not involve bothering Sanemi with the turmoil of emotions he was feeling; Uzui Tengen.

***

Sanemi was vaguely aware that there were men out there who laid with other men. 

It was a historically known fact. 

But he never cared about that, mainly because he had very little time for any worldly pleasures as a Demon Slayer. 

Some Hashira could live a nice life with a family and kids and then slaughter some demons the rest of the time and do it perfectly. Sanemi for one, was more of a make slaying demons your whole life and then figure out the rest later . 

And, he never really thought he would be alive for that long. 

Life expectancy was about, what , 37? 38 years old? Something like that. 

He was already past half of it. Even without the demon slaying bit, or the Demon Slayer Mark or anything, he would probably not be around long enough to see his children grow up. 

That didn’t sit right with him. 

What was the point in settling then? Remaining with his hypothetical family for what four years? More maybe if Shinobu’s treatment was working, and then die and leave them to fend for themselves without him. 

So marriage and family were out of the question. 

He did not need any more loved ones dying on him anyway. He had enough blood on his hands as it was.

Also, he never felt in any way interested or concerned about other men. Despite general appreciation of skills and strength that is. 

So then, what was that exactly with Giyuu? 

Genuine interest? 

A passing fancy? 

Grand amour ?

Was he just pent up somehow and the mood was good? 

None of them seemed to be right . 

Sanemi did not feel like he had a grand romantic interest in Giyuu. 

Even the thought of it was ridiculous. 

What exactly would they do? What could they do actually? 

He knew what being in love felt like and it wasn’t quite that. 

No word could really describe how Giyuu made him feel. If he must, he thought of it as some sort of tidal wave that would both drown him and wash over him at the same time. 

He had never felt that way before.

Crossing his arms, Sanemi leaned on the door frame of the parlor, lost in inquiries. 

“You seem troubled, sir,” 

The older woman working at his dojo was busying herself sewing a torn piece of fabric. She never looked him in the eyes and she never told him her name, only needing money and shelter.

“Hum…You’re not even looking at me,” 

She shrugged, wetting a thread between her lips a few times, “I did not need to. Your aura seems to say as much,” 

He gazed at her for several seconds before letting out a long breath and dropping down his head.

“You used to work in an entertainment district, right? What was that like?”

She paused for a second. Sanemi had gotten quite good at reading the stoic woman. Probably due to him learning Giyuu’s silent habits. Her eyes only stopped blinking for a fraction of a second but he was sure that she did not expect to be questioned on that. 

“Well,” she let her thread slip into a needle, “if it were good, I would not be here today. I was sold when I was a child. I paid my debt late because it had gotten too high and here I am,” 

Sanemi nodded slightly, “what’s your name?”

She shrugged, starting her work on what seemed to be a futon sheet, “I used to have one as a courtesan, but I don’t quite like being called by it. My parents never named me. I’d rather not have a name,” 

He contemplated the hard working woman for a while and then decided to stop prying into her life. It did not seem like a very pleasant subject to her.

However, she might know something about how to get rid of Giyuu related thoughts and go back on neutral grounds with him.

“When you were working, were there men, erm …,” that was a bit embarrassing to say. Part of him knew that the woman in front of him had seen it all and would not care much for these trivialities, “who… Ugh , who went for other men?” 

The only change in her expression was her raised eyebrow. 

“Hum…When I was in service, it had started dying down. In the entertainment districts at least. But before, there were specific houses that practically only had kagema ; male courtesans,” she squinted her eyes at a badly sewn thread, “it is not uncommon. Especially in male circles; monks, samurai, soldiers, slayers ,” 

With that last bit, she threw a single glance in his direction, and then brought her gaze back to her sheet.

“I-It’s not about me,” 

“I did not say it was,” she shrugged, continuing “they have a code of honor I would say. I do not know the details, but I know that for some, it was a whole respectable lifestyle. A strong bond of strength and friendship that also dabbled in intimacy. The bond sometimes lasted forever.” 

Somehow, it seemed oddly funny to think of it that way. He was pretty sure it started with two random dudes wanting to start something together and then making up a dreamy and overly masculine origin story to make it pass socially. 

Good on them if it worked though.

But, could anyone imagine him and Giyuu in that position? 

Like, traveling the land together, training and having some indecent time together here and there like in that cabin? 

Isn’t that just a nomadic married couple? 

That would definitely never work. 

Moreover, he had a faint idea of how wacky times worked in this warrior-samurai male-to-male setting and he did not want to be in any position like that nor did he ever want to see Tomioka freaking Giyuu like that. It was already bad enough that he appeared that way in his dreams. 

Nope . Some stranger he would never meet. Maybe .

Actual Tomioka Giyuu was out of the question. 

She continued, “it was either that, or those cut-sleeve situations.” 

Sanemi raised up a questioning eyebrow. 

“It is said that there was an emperor in a foreign land that cherished his lover so much he cut his own sleeve because his lover had been sleeping on it. That is how some men think of it. Are you in this sort of situation?” 

She turned her head to give him a usual stoic look. 

Huh . What would Sanemi do if Giyuu were to sleep on his arm?

First, probably ask him why the fuck he was sleeping there . 

Then, he would definitely duck him and ask him to fuck off.

Provided the Water Pillar did not look at him for too long in the eyes and especially not if there was some sort of expression on them. 

His deep blue eyes always confused him. 

Sanemi shrugged, “that’s absolutely not the situation I am in,” he concluded.

The older woman continued fixing him with a rather hard look for a while, “what if the person on your mind  had a lover or if he was out there seeking tea houses as well?”

Alright, that conversation had dragged out for long enough and he could feel the anger bubbling up in him.

He did allow his mind to wonder if Giyuu had a lover but he instantly puffed out a laugh at the thought.

As if that weird fuck would ever find anybody who’d stand him.

“I don't have anyone in mind,"

She then shrugged, and went back to her work.

“I do feel like I did my duty by telling you all of this and asking you the right questions. The rest is on you to figure out, sir,” 

“What are you even talk-”

He was quickly cut off, “you should ask about these things directly in one of the houses. These are very tight knit male circles. I cannot give you the specifics,”

Sanemi stood silently taking in what she had just said and then nodded to himself.

“And where would I find such houses?” 

“There are several north of here, in Yushima,” 

He let out a hum of approval and then nodded, turning around to head out of the room. 

“Sir?”

“Hum?” He hummed, turning around to the woman who still had her head casted down but there was a faint, almost non-existent smile on the side of her lips.

“If I have to work for more than one person, you are going to have to increase my wages,” 

Agh, fuck. He could feel the heat of embarrassment going up his cheeks. 

“It…It’s not that. Ugh , it’s just, erm …An itch I need to scratch,” 

She shrugged, “Well, I charge for momentary itches too,” 

If that had been anyone other than a woman more than twice his age, he would have screamed at them and probably stabbed them with that needle. 

But he was slightly scared of her. She had the faint vibe of a demon disguised as a woman. 

Moreover, she was the only one willing to stick around.

“I-I…Ugh, whatever …,” 

He stormed off, slamming the shoji door behind him.

If he had stuck around long enough, he would have seen the clearly visible, cocky smile on that woman’s face. 

There was nothing better than teasing that type of gruff and abrasive man. Behind closed doors, they were always the most flustered and whiney. 

It almost made her miss the horrible courtesan years.

***

The house that the woman at his dojo told him about in Yushima seemed like any other tea house he had stumbled upon. 

But he knew that most courtesan houses looked like that. 

Quite frankly, Sanemi had absolutely no idea of what he was doing there. 

He mainly hoped to get rid of his deep ocean blue eyes fixation and go back to a friendlier field with Giyuu.
Even though he knew it was mostly on him to figure that out, he could do with a little help.

Directly upon entering, an elderly woman rushed to him instantly.

“Oh, you are a striking young man, esteemed customer. Would you like some tea?”

Before he had the chance to answer, she screamed rather loudly at two little girls behind her to get the tea ready.

“Would you rather have your tea with the men or the women?” 

She again did not wait for an answer before pushing him towards the hallway. 

He wondered if the men or women question had anything to do with intimacy preferences or rather general comfort in the company. 

“Men?” He sounded way less confident than he had intended.

“Oh, the boys will absolutely adore you. You have such strong arms. You must be good.” 

Sanemi, who was being pushed through the house, looked back at her, “good at what?” 

She let out a strident laugh, “you joke !”

Except that Sanemi was not , in fact, joking, and he did not know what he was supposed to be good at. 

“They will serve you tea,” she opened a door and then pushed him inside, “enjoy yourself dear customer,” and then closed it right behind her. 

Sanemi had trouble understanding what exactly was going on. He had never gone to this sort of place before, except during missions, so he did not even know where to stand.

Turning around, Sanemi raised an eyebrow at a guy who looked at him in confusion. 

He was wearing a very light short kimono, sprawled on the floor rather comfortably, with his privates almost showing and half of the upper part being open. 

“ Oh , new face,” he seemed cocky and had dark hair. He added, “Is it your first time here?”

Sanemi was not a socially anxious person by nature. But, the unknown environment made him unsure of where to stand. 

Not that any of it was showing on his demeanor. He was still standing strong and stoic. 

Or so he hoped.

“You can say that…,” he sighed.

Really, fuck Tomioka Giyuu for making him go through this embarrassment. 

He should have dragged him along so the both of them would be confused together.

Walking towards the low table, Sanemi slid down, trying his damned hardest to look casual and unbothered. 

The cocky man leaned on the table in front of him, placing his head on his palm, “So…What’s your type? Who do you want to screw?”

If Sanemi had been drinking, he probably would have died from choking. 

Raising up an eyebrow, he added, “or would you rather get screwed? I’m fine either way,”

In the competition of awkward and weird, this ought to rank second to the incident of last time with Tomioka Giyuu.

The incident…

Ugh , memories of it suddenly invaded Sanemi’s mind. 

With all of his strength, he leaned back his head and then violently slammed it against the table.

He would not be thinking of that . 

He heard the panicked tone of the man in front of him, as his head was still on the table, “a-are you alright? It’s a standard question, don’t get mad over it!” 

Sanemi continued asking himself what the fuck he was doing there and silently hoping that Giyuu, who by the way, had not sent any letters since about two weeks or so, was feeling equally awkward. 

Sighing, Sanemi peeled himself away, deciding that embarrassment could fuck off since he probably would never see these people again in his lifetime. 

“I did something indecent,” he started with a sigh, looking visibly irritated rather than embarrassed at having to recall that event .

The man quirked up an eyebrow, “I’m reporting you if it’s assault,” 

“N-no. It wasn’t…,” he vaguely tried to remember the specifics but quickly shut it off, “It was not,” he declared more confidently. 

He crossed his arms on the table, “so, you did something indecent with a fellow man? What was it?”

Nope . He was not going through that again.

That memory would be forever locked up in the thoughts dungeon. 

 “Let’s just say it was indecent and leave it at that,” 

The cocky man leaned back, holding himself with his palms, “this is hella boring then. Go have fun with this guy. Bring him some time so we can have group fun. We can add women to the lot. Do you dislike women?” 

“No,” he answered directly. 

That part he was most definitely sure of. While he did not specifically have the time nor the opportunity for these matters, he knew for a fact that he had once liked a woman. 

Very much so. 

And for all he knew. So did Giyuu. The guy was just so weird, he probably did not even realize it at the time.

“Oh,” he shrugged, “ you know back in Edo , most men had women and men as partners. Especially those who could afford it. It’s only recently that things changed. That’s why we’re having less customers.” 

Yeah, well he knew that already and it did not specifically help with his Giyuu problem.
It was not reassurance he sought, it was solutions.

He had a simple goal.

No more Giyuu fixation and no more awkwardness to go back to idle chats and banter.  

“And you are sure you do not like him? Like romantically ?” He asked with a side smile.

“Wh-what? No ! Absolutely not,” again, he was sure that it was not the same feeling he felt when he liked Kanae, “I’d just like to scratch a confusing itch and go back to how things were, when things were way simpler,”

Sighing deeply, Sanemi brought up a hand to let it pass through his face, “look, I never thought I’d ever say this out loud, but I know I’ll never see you ever in my whole fucking life. I liked someone once. Very much so. She is dead now but she was kind and I liked that she was strong but also very tender and gentle. I wanted her to hold my hand and tell me that everything would be alright and that I was not such a horrible guy. The guy I am talking about is not tender, nor genteel and I definitely don’t want him to hold my hand. I want to…,”

“You want to?” Inquired the cocky man, feeling like they were finally going somewhere.

“ Ugh …,” the thought made Sanemi slightly embarrassed, but by that point they were far beyond that already, “bite down his neck, pull at his hair and, I don't know...Have him bite me...Somehow?” 

The man quirked up an eyebrow before bursting out laughing. 

That was starting to tick off Sanemi. 

He felt like he had never opened his mouth to talk so much about his feelings and he got laughed at. 

That guy got balls. 

“Don’t be mad!” Exclaimed the cocky man between fits, “the delivery was just funny! But you’ve got your answer I guess.”

He gave him a puzzled look.

“Just have a good shag. That guy is probably the only person around you these days with whom you’re having actual conversation. Just, fuck it away and go back to being besties,” he rubbed at a laughing tear that had escaped the corner of his eyes, "you know, humans are not animals. We tend to value closeness before intimacy, even if entertainment districts seem to point at the opposite. I've worked here long enough to know that."

Oh. Oh .

That was it ? 

Somehow, Sanemi felt a vague sense of disappointment he could not comprehend. 

“ So ~,” the eyes of that cocky man darkened and he raised up his eyebrows suggestively, “ now  we got that. Want me to scratch that itch for you?” 

Ugh . He didn’t really like that guy. He was annoying and talked too much.

But he shrugged. 

Whatever. Anyone that was not Giyuu would do. 

***

Once they were in one of the rooms together, the weight of reality finally struck Sanemi.

What the actual fuck was he even doing? 

How did this work again? 

He could not remember. He did not have much experience to go off from. 

But, if it would keep him and his hands from ever wandering around Giyuu, so be it. 

“Have you ever done this before?” he asked with a smirk, as he started opening his light kimono. 

Why the Gods decided that this would be how intercourse worked was beyond him. 

It was just a torture device meant to make everyone feel uncomfortable. 

Curious how he did not really feel embarrassed during that time with Giyuu…

Or anything but the desperate need for more …

Nope ! He would not think of that. Straight to the thoughts dungeon that image went. 

“Yes,” the man had slowly approached him, starting to take off the outer layer of his hakamashita.

“How many?” He let the outer layer fall to the flour and started peeling off the second one.

“Three.” 

That was a lie though. 

It was two actually but he did not want to seem inexperienced. 

And really , no one would be counting that first one as an actual experience. It was with an older woman, and honestly she was more doing him than he was doing her and it was done and over in a matter of three seconds. Maybe less actually.

The second one he did not even remember. He was drunk and angry. Kanae had died that week. 

The man completely took off his own kimono, standing naked in the dim light emanating from the obscured windows. 

He was an average height, lean enough man. 

As soon as Sanemi casted his eyes down, he wanted to grab his shirts, and disappear into the distance to never show up again. 

What the fuck had possessed him to go grab and shake around this sort of engine? 

He never even really grabbed and shook his own engine.

“ Erm ,” he started, his eyes still down, “yeah, I don’t think I’m built for this sort of-”

“ Pfft , don’t worry,” he puffed out a laugh and gestured vaguely, “you won’t need to touch it. You won’t even need to see it if you don’t want to. Now, let’s get you going.” 

The man had pushed him down on the tatami and skilfully marched on all four towards his loins. 

Sanemi was not the least bit into whatever charming and sensual looks that guy was pulling, but as soon as his mouth surrounded him down there, any thoughts regarding that flew out of the window as a wave of pleasure ran through his body. 

The man started moving away, too quickly for Sanemi’s taste. He unconsciously went to grab at his head, prompting him to get back down but his hand was quickly slapped away.

“I don’t want you going soft before the real deal,” as he said that, he straddled Sanemi’s lap, and let his arms around his neck.

A cold shiver ran down Sanemi’s back as the man started going down. He almost wanted to throw him from the window into oblivion. 

This must have shown on his face as he gave him a rather unimpressed look.

“Yeah, you really don’t like guys nor dicks,” 

I don’t like you, he thought , I was fine with Giyuu and his...

What? 

No ! Back to the thoughts dungeon. 

It was unfortunate that he was so far gone he did not actually get a good look at it nor at Giyuu’s expressions.

Nope, nope, nope. Thoughts dungeon .

How did it feel again in his palm? It might have been longer than his…

Go. Back. To. The. Thought. Dungeon . 

Ugh. He could have at least gotten a feel a bit lower at his…

Fuck that. 

In a fit of anger at his own overwhelming thoughts, Sanemi seized a handful of the man’s dark locks, sprang up on his knees and then pushed the guy rather forcibly face to the floor. 

“ Dude ! Give me a heads up if you’re into this stuff,” he was struggling to get free from the Wind Hashira’s grasp, “I like it too, just warn me or something. We actually have strict consent policies,” 

Oh, fuck . He did not at all do that on purpose. 

He looked down to lighten his grasp on his hair when something struck him. 

“Y-you have pitch black hair…,”

“No shit,” he arched his back, letting his backside slide up over Sanemi’s body, “ so …We’re doing it like this?” 

Sanemi swallowed hard, his eyes still firmly fixated on the handful of messy dark hair he had in his hand.

“Your nape is paler than the rest of your body,” 

“ Erm …That’s everybody. What exactly are you…,” before he could finish his sentence, he felt the hardened hotness of the other man on his backside.

“Oh~ Sure ! Whatever does it for you,”

Letting himself settle against the man’s cheeks, Sanemi tugged harder at his hair, and then bent over him. 

“Don’t talk,” he said in a raspy voice in his ear, “your voice is annoying.” 

Well, whatever could get him to pay well. He would not talk if the customer said so. 

The man could feel Sanemi slowly guiding his hands to place them on each side of his waist. After much talk, he was finally going to get what he wanted. 

He silently hoped that Sanemi would be satisfied so he would drop a few more coins. 

The dark-haired man slowly turned his head, wanting to get a look at Sanemi. 

He threw him a perplexed look as he saw him completely out of it, intensely scrutinizing the juncture between his nape and his hair. He shot up an eyebrow as he started feeling a bit like an idiot with his naked backside in the air.

“ Erm ... Are we doing this or —” 

Before he could finish his sentence, Sanemi snapped out of his daze and actually got a look at the man's dark eyes. 

His face scrunched up like a crumpled paper bag, his scream erupting like a geyser.

“AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH,” 

He shot to his feet in anger and outrage. 

Two leaps propelled him away from the man, each landing punctuated by a guttural scream.

Not understanding whatever the hell was happening, the dark-haired man ran up on all fours to seize his scattered kimono, “W-WHAT THE HELL?!” 

he shrieked, his voice bordering on a squeak, “WHAT'S WRONG?!” 

He lunged for his scattered clothes in a frantic scramble for decency.

But Sanemi wasn't finished. He whipped around, fixating on the wooden wall. With a roar that could rival a demon, he launched himself at it in pure fury. His foot connected with a solid “THWACK” sound that echoed through the room.

He was mad at Giyuu.

He was mad at himself.

He was mad at his feelings and wanted to kick them away from his head and heart.

The dark haired man scrambled to his feet, a deranged babble escaping his lips.

“ I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING! AHHH !” 

He didn't even bother putting on his clothes. Grabbing the pile of clothes as he bolted for the door. On all fours, he scrambled out of the room, his screams audible through the whole teahouse as Sanemi  continued his own war roar.

***

Sanemi was not quite sure if the itch had been scratched. 

His money had definitely been scratched away though as he had been forced to pay a large compensation sum for psychologically scarring several people at the teahouse. 

A restraining order was also issued against him to never approach any courtesans working in that house ever again. He was not planning on ever going back anyway. It was emotionally scarring and that guy knew way too much about him. 

Was any of that even useful? He felt even more plagued with deep blue eyes than when he had come into the teahouse and even more so confused with himself.

The whole day, not a second went by without thinking about Giyuu.

Even during that crucial moment, he could not help but fixate on the junction between the pale nape and the messy dark hair and as soon as he got of glimpse of that guy’s eyes, noticing that they were not the deep shade of blue his heart was screaming for, he could not help but feel confused; by himself, by his thoughts, by the need for those eyes to be ocean colored, by the everything. 

So, he did what he did best when he was confused. 

He snapped and got mad.

He wanted to be on good grounds with Giyuu.

They could talk with each other, train a bit, maybe grab a bite sometimes. 

But he could not do so if the only thing on his mind was to let his hands wander to his waist. To have Giyuu’s hand on his chest or to grab his head and guide him to his own neck so he could yet again mark his skin with his teeth. 

No matter how hard Sanemi was trying, the images in his thoughts dungeon were getting impossible to contain and he feared that soon enough, sheer strong willpower would not be enough to hold the storm Giyuu had created inside of his heart. 

Chapter Text

Giyuu's plan to ask Tengen for advice on his Sanemi-related issues was a result of long and sound thinking. 

The people he interacted with in his life were the Kamado household (too young for such matters ), his master ( too old for such matters ), Sanemi ( the focus of the matter ), and Tengen. Tengen was older, more mature, and had three wives. He was bound to have at least a lead to help Giyuu deal with his feelings and avoid annoying Sanemi with them.

But somehow, when he reached their household and saw them all fretting over the pregnant one, he thought maybe his issues were quite silly compared to theirs. They were busy creating lives and he was there all: how to get rid of embarrassment, awkwardness and control heartbeats when in the presence of a certain silver haired individual .

Nonetheless, he still got a moment behind the garden alone with Tengen. 

As they settled down in a sitting position on a large rock by a calm river, Giyuu noticed that the man was still as flamboyant as ever, even with only one arm. Giyuu could never pull that off; he always felt like such a loser with his silly, shaky handwriting.

“So, what brings you around? You said you wanted to talk about something in your letters,” Tengen asked, turning to face him with a slight crease in his brow.

“I am harboring strange and conflicting feelings for a man...Actually, I am not sure of that, to be quite…” Giyuu was quickly cut off.

“Oh, fuck ,” Tengen exclaimed in a panicked tone, looking around to check if anyone had heard.

“Have I said something bizarre?” Giyuu asked, confused.

Tengen flailed his hand dismissively. “No, but don't scream that around,” he said.

Giyuu hummed and slightly dropped his head, a bit hurt at always saying the wrong things. Tengen sighed, bringing up his hand to ruffle his hair. 

He was a firm believer that love came in different ways. His marriage was a good example of it. It was not even legal anymore but that did not stop him nor his wives to be together in their happy polycule. 

But, he had no idea when he had volunteered to become the older brother figure around, and now he had to deal with all the kids.

The flamboyant man pondered for a minute, gathering his thoughts to avoid saying something insensitive and driving Giyuu to close off.

He cleared his throat. “Have you ever liked anyone before?”

“I have liked a lot of people,” Giyuu responded straightforwardly, slightly cheering up at having his head patted. He would have preferred if it were Sanemi, though.

“I meant romantically,” Tengen briefly wondered if the man was just a very direct person or a total ditz.

“I am quite sure I could have,” answered Giyuu quite sincerely, “but she died.”

Well, that was a good way to make everyone uncomfortable.

“Erm...,” started Tengen with an awkward smile, “how about a guy?”

Giyuu looked up in contemplation. “I had a friend when I was young that I liked a lot and perhaps I would have liked him romantically had we been older," he nodded to himself, “but I can’t be sure of that and he died as well.”

“Alright. Is anyone you ever liked alive ?”

Giyuu hummed and gave it a few seconds of thought. “I don't know. But I am feeling a certain way and I would like to get rid of what I am feeling. It is conflicting and odd.”

Tengen raised an eyebrow. “Why get rid of it?”

Giyuu shrugged. “Because it seems like it is bothering him. I do not want to be annoying.”

Tengen let his hand drop from Giyuu’s head and silently thanked himself for having asked Suma to bring saké rather than tea. Mainly because he was way too sober for sexual education and emotional awakenings. But also, because he had asked Suma specifically , she would probably be able to tell him a thing or two.

“This guy, how is he?”

Giyuu had already decided that he would not be giving too many details about Sanemi. Tengen knew him personally. Things were already embarrassing and awkward enough as they were.

“I don't need a name,” added Tengen with a side smile, as if he had read Giyuu’s mind. “How is he behaving? Why is it confusing?”

“I am confused about how I am behaving. I keep going with the flow while this man, he…” Giyuu cut himself off, trying to gather his thoughts to speak clearly and not say anything bizarre. “He kept touching my hair, my face...," he pondered for a second of whether to add waist and neck but he decided against it, “I never mind it and I do not think I would ever mind it,”

Alright, Tengen had officially ventured into uncharted territory. 

How was this even done? He almost wished to be dead by the time his own kids reached this level of maturity. Let his wives deal with it. They had way more tact than he had.

Just as Tengen was deep in sexual education thoughts, Suma came with a saké jug and two stacked cups. 

“What have you been talking about?” she asked.

Tengen felt totally saved. She had more sense and sensibility than he did and she was knowledgeable about this sort of thing. 

He pushed himself up on his feet. “Giyuu, I am leaving you in knowledgeable hands. Suma,” he nodded at the woman who had a questioning look in her eyes, “please help him.”

“ Erm ...Sure," she mumbled, setting her plate on the rock they were sitting on. “With what?”

Tengen grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a tight squeeze. “An emotional awakening situation.”

“ Oh , love talk. I can deal with it.”

He shook his head. “ No , it's the emotionally, erm , challenging sort.”

She squinted her eyes at him. “How challenging?”

He sighed. “Think pre-marriage Suma.”

“ Oh ...,” she exclaimed knowingly. “ That sort. Very challenging.” Then they both nodded to each other.

Giyuu watched the whole exchange unsure of what to make of it. It seemed like there was some sort of story only the two of them knew about. He did not dare to ask.

“I will enlighten him. You go in peace,” she assured Tengen.

He turned and gave a thumbs up to Giyuu. “I am leaving you in very good hands.” Then he lazily made his way back towards their house.

Suma started settling down on the rock. “ So , a fellow man, huh ?”

Giyuu wondered how she even knew that, considering Tengen had not said anything and simply talked in some sort of code. He felt very embarrassed about talking to her.

“I want to get rid of this anxiety and embarrassment to be friends again,” he answered nonetheless, feeling that if Tengen guaranteed Suma could give sound advice on his issue, she was to be trusted.

“And why on earth would you?” Suma asked.

Giyuu shrugged, looking straight ahead. “It seems like it is making him uncomfortable and I do not want to be a bother."

Suma gave him a slight smile. “Did something happen with some man?”

Giyuu felt the heat rise to his head. It was one thing to ask for advice from Tengen; it was another thing completely to discuss such matters with a woman who also happened to be Uzui's wife. That was completely indecent, so he kept silent. But Suma had sharp senses, and as soon as she saw the man's ears turn completely red, she smiled slightly.

“And have you ever had a similar experience?”

Giyuu violently shook his head in embarrassment. 

What was up with this household and having no sense of shame? He could remember clearly the time they had invited him to a hot springs trip. He had never seen so many naked bodies at once. It was a very scarring image. Giyuu was not a fan of seeing people in a state of undress.

He also would absolutely not answer her truthfully. 

The real answer would have been “ I think .”

He scrunched up his eyes, trying to gouge the vague memory from his head. There was one time when a drunk woman sort of jumped on him and he got too anxious to tell her to let him go and did not want to push or strike a civilian. She tried to do something, but he just could not physically respond. It was a very awkward memory. 

“Alright. Let's go about this some other way. What would you feel if a very beautiful woman was facing you?”

Giyuu gave it a few seconds of thought, then shrugged. “Rather neutral.” 

The world was full of very beautiful ladies. He could not care about each and every one of them. 

“ Uhum ,” she nodded. “Then what would you do if a very beautiful man was facing you?”

He creased his eyebrows. “Rather neutral too…”

Giyuu could lock eyes with random men and think that they were objectively good looking but he failed to see how that was supposed to make him feel.

“ Uhum ...Then what would you feel like if this man for whom you want to get rid of these feelings for were in front of you?”

Ahh ...It had been such a long time since Giyuu had seen Sanemi. He missed him dearly, but he could not meet him before sorting out these emotions to not be a bother. He could not bear seeing him awkward with him like last time.

Uhum…If he were to meet him, his heart beats would go mad again. He would probably feel very anxious and fidgety. Sanemi must think that he was a weird one…

But he would be very happy nonetheless. 

“Oh, you are smiling ,” remarked Suma, pointing her index at his quirked-up lips with a smile on her own.

He had been smiling? He was not even aware. 

Well...Seeing Sanemi always made him happy. He liked talking to him and he was funny. But he also made him feel very bizarre. 

Giyuu shook his head. “I would also feel slightly dizzy and oddly embarrassed. And my heart quickens and I get a bizarre shortness of breath. I do not think these are feelings of eagerness....”

“Is this person the only one who makes you feel this way?”

He nodded. “The only one I recall in my life.”

“Tomioka...,” she started with a sigh, bringing her knees to her chest. “You really don't have to get rid of these emotions, and you would not be able to even if you tried. You hold romantic feelings for this person. This much is obvious.”

Giyuu, liking Sanemi romantically?

He squinted his eyes at her, doubting her words.

He did not like Sanemi in the romantic sense.

He just liked his presence.

He enjoyed spending time with him, going to eat together and the fact that he was gruff with everybody but him. Most of the time that is. 

Hum…But that was not romantic. He liked Sanemi’s cooking and he quite liked the fact that Sanemi was so tactile and enjoyed when he would randomly put his hands on him. It was almost as if the Wind user wanted him nearby. 

And well, Giyuu wanted Sanemi nearby too. 

So it was not at all romantic. He just wanted Sanemi with him for as long as possible, with each other, doing nothing, eating together, cooking together, training together, going out together and touching each other spontaneously whenever they felt like it.

Sort of like what married couples did.

Oh…

Oh .

Giyuu wanted to marry Sanemi.

That thought made a sudden heat rise up to his head so suddenly that he almost fainted from it. His throat instantly went dry and he rushed to grab the cup of saké to chug it down completely hoping it would hydrate his throat and potentially calm the thumping of his heart that would most definitely cause either a heart attack if it went any faster or make his ears bust off completely. 

“A-are you alright?” Asked Suma, turning towards him to shake the man.

“N-no…,” he said, seeming completely lost, “I think I want to marry him,” 

“ Erm ..,” started Suma grimacing, “that’s not legally possible, but it shouldn’t stop you and it doesn’t mean much. It didn’t stop us . Our marriage is not civil either since it was legally banned a while back. You are well off. Just go live together in the mountains or something.” 

But Sanemi would not agree to that. 

He was not even sure the man liked him as a person. 

“It already seems like the guy is in love with you. What’s the worst that can happen?” 

Looking up from the ground, Giyuu asked, “does it seem that way?” 

Se shrugged, recalling the bits of conversation she had overheard as she had come with the saké, “I don’t see many people who would touch another person so much if there was nothing there,” 

Oh . 

Then, Sanemi might like him too? 

That…Was weird. 

Why would Sanemi like him ? He was not very friendly nor likable. 

Sanemi said he liked nice girls. Giyuu was not specifically nice and he was not a girl either. 

But…Suma was sort of right.

Logically, he would not have touched him all over and did that in the cabin if Giyuu had no chance at all. 

“ Ah ~ Tomioka, you have such a charming smile!” Exclaimed Suma giggling.

“Do you have parchment and paper? I have a letter to write,” 

She nodded with a cheerful smile, clasping her hands together, “let’s go back home. I will give you those,”

Giyuu then gave a warm smile to her, clasping her hands between his in appreciation, "thank you for helping me understand. I do not know how to repay you,” 

She chuckled cheerfully, “you’re so cold and stoic that when you smile you make people want to keep you for themselves. I totally understand this man of yours!” 

Suma silently hoped that Tengen would not be too bummed about this. She’d had absolutely no verbal confirmation but with the way Tomioka was included in all of their outings, she almost thought it was her husband’s way of introducing him as a fifth member of the marriage. 

But Giyuu paid her no mind at all. He barely even noticed her getting up. 

He was too busy trying to figure out what to write and what to say once he would meet Sanemi. 

He could feel those butterflies flying around in his stomach again at the prospect of seeing him and silently hoped the other man would also be happy to see him. 

***

Sanemi had been feeling quite alright

He only wondered about Giyuu’s whereabouts occasionally and barely asked himself once or twice why the man had not written to him yet. 

There were no homoerotic images in his head nor in his dreams so it was all fine.

…

Well .

Maybe he wondered about that more than occasionally. What if he did so all day and sometimes nights too? No big deal. He was a friend who disappeared into the wild. Of course he would worry.

And…What if he did think about why Giyuu had not written to him. What if he felt mad and angry at the man because he had told him he would? 

But he did stop the dreams and thoughts. At least the itch was gone. 

They could finally get back to being friends.

That was all until Giyuu’s letter arrived about a week or so later and Sanemi almost fainted from the hyperventilation. 

Giyuu would be coming by to Sanemi’s dojo in a few days.

In his letter, he said he had something important he wanted to tell him without specifying anything else.

If he had been in front of him, Sanemi would have cursed him into oblivion. 

Why would he say that and then nothing more?

All that did was keep Sanemi from sleeping until that promised day. 

What did he want to talk about?

Please, let it not be about that incident day. He had locked that in the thoughts dungeon and scratched the lustful obsession from his mind. 

Then what? 

Giyuu was socially awkward so maybe he just wanted to say something basic but phrased it in a dramatic way. 

That must be it.

But what if it was not? 

Ugh, fuck Tomioka Giyuu, really. 

***

When that day came, Sanemi had been casually sitting in a short kimono on the engawa of his back garden.

Not that he did not know which time Giyuu would come by, it was mostly because he felt like a wreck .

His heart was beating way too fast and his palms were sweating like crazy.

He felt his throat dry up so he drank too much water and it gave him a stomach ache.

But he did not want to appear so in front of Giyuu so he was trying his damned hardest to appear nonchalant and unbothered. 

“Sanemi,” he heard farther in the garden.

Ah ~

He had missed that monotone voice so much. 

“Hum…Oh, hey,” he said, feigning the uncaring tone as he turned his head towards him. He gestured for him to come sit next to him.  

He could do that, right?

He was not sure anymore since that time in the cabin where they-...

No! Thoughts dungeon.

“Erm…How have you been?” Asked Giyuu as he hoisted himself up on the porch next to the Wind Hashira.

That was so awkward. None of them dared to look the other in the eyes. 

Sanemi was thankful for that. Giyuu’s ocean eyes might make him stutter and make a fool of himself. 

“All good. And you?” 

He simply nodded. 

They remained silent for a little while before they both drew in their breath and opened their mouths at the same time.

“What did you want to-”

“I wanted to talk about-”

Sanemi felt like Giyuu had been looking at him but somehow, he was too anxious to look up and meet his eyes so he simply gestured for him to go on with his head still slightly casted down. 

“ Erm …I wanted to talk about what happened at the cabin,”

Fuck .

Fuck this.

Fuck him and fuck that.

Sanemi could feel the heat rise up to his face. 

How much more embarrassment could he even stand anymore? 

He threw a glance next to him to see that Giyuu had been fidgeting with his clothes. 

“I-I feel very awkward right now, but…,” 

The whole situation was unbearable. 

Why did they even go and do that? 

“Look, Giyuu. It’s fine,” he started with a long sigh, his gaze still down. He dropped down from the porch into the ground on his feet taking several steps away from the dark haired man, “it was an on-the-spot thing with no thoughts. We’re both adults. Moreover, I scratched that itch, so we’re good now,”

He could see that Giyuu had gotten down from the engawa and had taken an uncertain step towards him, “it is alright. I have thought about it for a while and I even checked with some people too. But how do you feel about it now ?”

Huh ?

What did he mean he did too .

And that was the first time their eyes had locked since the beginning of their conversation. 

Sanemi ignored the thumping of his heart as he felt the deep blue eyes graze his very soul.

“What do you mean you did too ?” 

Giyuu shot up an eyebrow, “I was confused by all of it. I did not want to annoy you with what I had been feeling,” 

“What did you do exactly? With whom?”

Alright. He had absolutely no right to ask that. He could logically comprehend that. 

But…But the uncontrollable bubbling anger he could feel rising up inside of him, making a few veins pop on his forehead was making him say things he should definitely be keeping to himself. 

Giyuu cocked his head to the side, scrunching up his eyebrows.

“Did I not comprehend you, Sanemi? Have you not tried to understand your emotions as well?” 

No . That was exactly what he had done and for once that Giyuu was understanding things he actually wished for him to be the usual ditz.

Sanemi took swift steps towards the dark haired man.

“What house was it? Give me a name,” 

Sanemi was confused. So he did what he did best when he could not understand his conflicting feelings.

He got angry. 

In fact, Sameni was livid .

He was mad. Rampage level of mad. 

He could feel the hot boiling anger almost popping out of his eyes and the veins on his tightened fists almost bursting out entirely. 

“I-I did not come here to talk about that ,” declared a very confused Giyuu, which made Sanemi even more angry than he already felt. 

How dare he be confused when Sanemi had the urge to go hunt down each teahouse and burn all entertainment districts around? 

The Water Hashira casted down his eyes, fiddling with his clothes again.

Why was he looking so fidgety ? 

Why was he looking so fine and so prim when Sanemi’s heart was thumping so hard it would come out of his mouth at any moment? 

Why was his voice calm when Sanemi wanted to scream his lungs out?

He had been taking more and more angry steps towards the other man.

He could barely hear anything except the deafening ringing in his ears.

“What happened at the cabin was not calculated. But I wanted to ask you if… Perhaps …You wanted to calculate it?” He lightly grimaced and looked at the side which honestly just looked like his regular uncomfortable stoic face, “it does not make much sense, does it?”

“It makes perfect sense,” 

Giyuu looked up. His face did not change much but there was a slight hopeful gleam in his eyes, “It is? Then I wanted to tell you that I have finally sorted the matter of my estate down south. If you are willing, you can come live with me as-...” 

“It makes perfect sense that you would go fuck around instead of coming to me,” he said between gritted teeth with more veins popping out of his forehead, completely oblivious to what the man in front of him had said.

Alright, Giyuu had reached the point where he was not understanding anything anymore. 

“W-what are you talking about? Why would I do that?” 

“Because I did too. I went to scratch that fucking itch,” he added, completely ignoring what Giyuu had said. 

Giyuu was at loss . He had pictured several outcomes but this was definitely not one of them, “I don't understand, Sanemi. What itch?” 

By then, Sanemi had been standing right in front of Giyuu, his face flaring up from anger.

Reaching up, he grabbed the Water Hashira’s collar and dragged him up, looking him dead in the eyes.

“ You. You’re the itch. You’re the fucking itch that has been eating at me since the day I decided that it was alright to be friends with you,” Sanemi knew he should probably stop. His troubles did start then but the way the words were coming out of his mouth was wrong. 

“Even saying you’re my friend makes my skin crawl as if there was something inherently wrong with it. Since that happened at the cabin, I’ve been trying my damned hardest to scratch you away completely, but when I felt like I did you came back with your fucking eyes that I want to gouge out so bad. You confuse the fuck out of me with how you act,” 

Sanemi was very much intending on continuing his rambling but a strong kick came to his stomach, making him instantly crouch into the ground several meters away from surprise.

He looked up furiously, tightly squeezing his stomach, “what the fuck is wrong with-...,” 

Giyuu had taken several steps back and his head was completely casted down. 

He had squeezed his hand into a fist and was slightly shaking somehow.

“I thought that…,” Sanemi could hear him take in a shaky breath, “I was told that you….”

He cleared his throat, his head still down, “ I confuse you ? You behave like a friend and then scream at me that we never will be. You apologize and tell me I can talk to you sincerely and then snap at me when I do. You touch me whenever you want to but then cast me away when I take a step towards you. You confuse me with your actions and I never know how to act. I-I’ve…I have come so sincerely today. I was so happy and proud of myself for coming to you and you…” he trailed off, taking a deep breath, “I have been honest with you and with myself. I have been direct since the beginning but you never were…"” 

He then felt silent and with his head still down, took a few steps towards the man on the floor then bent his back in apology. 

“I apologize, Shinazugawa . I misunderstood your intentions. I have inconvenienced you long enough. I promise that you will never see me again. Farewell.”

Then he straightened himself up and vanished from Sanemi’s eyes. 

But in that glimpse of a second, Sanemi caught a quick glimpse of the man’s eyes. 

Cold , dark and unreadable deep blue eyes. 

It was almost as if he had been dead if not for the slight dampness in those eyes. 

Sanemi’s stomach churned. 

As soon as Giyuu had disappeared from his sight, he threw up almost instantly on the ground.

Clutching at his stomach, he could feel his eyes tingling at the mere memory of Giyuu’s inexpressive eyes.

***

It was curious really how things changed in the matter of a few hours.

As he was walking up the road to Sanemi’s dojo, Giyuu felt slightly anxious. He had been fidgeting with his clothes the whole time thinking of what to say.

He figured he would just ask him about what happened at the cabin and see if it was a thoughtless act or if he wanted to, well…Think it through. 

He wanted to ask him to come with him to his new estate down south for a visit and if he liked it there, maybe remain with him there? 

They would be together. 

They would take care of each other and be each other’s safe haven until their death. 

They would be able to eat together, train together and spend time together. 

And Giyuu was not opposed to Sanemi’s touches. He liked having his hands on his waist. He liked having his own hand on Sanemi’s chest.

He could not help but wonder; what if Sanemi did not want these things?

But Sanemi had also promised him not to snap at him again and to talk to him about it. 

He was not the same. 

Giyuu liked him specifically because he was nice to him. 

It would be alright. 

Right ? 

But as he was coming down, Giyuu had completely different feelings. Feeling slightly dizzy, he let his palm rest on a tree and slowly crouched down. He cast his head down and let it drop onto his knees.

How could things go so badly in mere hours? 

He had been so happy coming up this very road a while back. He was so glad that he had gotten the courage to face Sanemi. He was so eager for more. 

He could picture it so clearly , their life together . 

And all he got was screams, anger, and being yet again called a bother.

He tried. He really tried with Sanemi, but it did not work. 

He held a small consolation in the fact that he did his very best. 

Giyuu could feel a hollowness in his heart, a gnawing emptiness as if something had been torn out of his chest. He brought his hands to clutch at it. 

He was so used to being disliked by Sanemi, but they had gone through so much. How could he still be so mean to him? Why was he so confusing ? Why did he always open the door to Giyuu only to smash it in his face later?

Feeling the stinging sensation in his nose, Giyuu sniffled and then slowly stood up, taking several wobbling steps. 

He had hoped not to be alone forever, but as usual, his hopes were always violently shattered. 

Giyuu had always been disliked. The issue was when he tried to get away from this lane. 

But he’d had enough. 

He would remain alone and disliked , away from everyone. 

Away from Sanemi. 

Chapter Text

Sanemi was angry and he remained angry for about a week after the argument with Giyuu.

He was mad at Giyuu for having gone and done something they had done together with some random stranger. 

He was also mad because Giyuu did not talk to him about it. 

But more than anything , Sanemi was mad at himself.

He was mad at himself for having snapped at Giyuu for something he, himself, had done as well when he had no right to. 

He was mad at himself for not having carefully thought things through when the woman in his estate pointed it out. 

“ What would you feel if he went and did it the same? If he had a lover? ”

Well, Sanemi had the answer. 

He felt wronged, cheated and livid.

His anger slowly started to turn into hurt and sadness. 

For all the same reasons, but mainly because of those damp deep blue eyes. 

He hated himself for having said those things even though it was the truth.

This whole maelstrom started the day he decided to show up to that rendez-vous with Giyuu. And he did feel at odds with the word friends but he also rejoiced in Giyuu's company. And since they touched each other in the cabin, Sanemi had fallen into a hazy lustful hole of dark locks, deep blue, steamy, unfocused, hazy, slightly closed off eyes, quick breaths, light whimpers and the scorching hot sensation of Giyuu’s hands on him. 

He thought he got rid of all of it. 

But all it took was a letter from the man and his weird self appearing, standing uncertain and stoic in his garden for it all to be thrown off the window. 

He meant everything he had said. 

But perhaps not in the way he had said…

His words seemed to have hurt Giyuu. His eyes were so so cold and they seemed so unreadable. 

The sadness and self loathing were soon replaced by guilt and worry .

Did Giyuu really mean those words he said?

Will he really never contact him again?

He could not. They would definitely run into each other at some point.

But what if he looked at him with those cold and indifferent eyes?

Even the thought of it squeezed tightly at his heart. 

Like…They would go back to how it was before. Not even greeting each other in hallways? 

Just empty dark blue eyes…How was that possible?

Where was he anyway?

It was hard to know when the man did not write. 

Maybe Sanemi could write to him. 

But he did not really know what to say. 

Sorry I said that. But I actually sort of meant it. 

That would not grant him Giyuu’s favors back.

“Are you still lamenting, sir?”

Sanemi almost gasped by surprise. The woman had a trained slayer level of stealth. He could never predict when she would be around. 

She was setting a plate of rice balls next to him on the engawa.

“I was not lamenting,” 

“Then you probably should be,” she said as she turned around to leave the room.

He raised up an eyebrow, “what are you talking about?”

She stopped and turned her head, “the walls are thin. If you angrily raise your voice when talking to another man, I am bound to hear it,” 

Sanemi sighed. He really did not need anyone fucking with him even more. 

The woman slightly dropped her head, “you should have at least listened to what he had to say…,”

Sanemi shrugged. He could feel the anger raise up in him, “I did listen to him, which is why I got mad in the first place,”

“Did you?” She always seemed stoic but this time her features were slightly harder. It was as if she had been reprimanding him, “what did he say then?” 

“T-that he went to some whores,” 

She raised up an eyebrow at him and he averted his eyes, “I didn’t use it in a derogatory way,” 

She looked at him for several seconds before letting out a long sigh, turning back around to walk towards the door, “what man would send a letter to request a meeting only to say something like that…,”

Oh. 

Now that he was thinking about it, he could vaguely remember Giyuu going in circles to say heavens know what. 

But in his anger at that moment, he was not paying much attention at all. 

He pushed himself up, staring in the woman’s direction, “and you? Do you know what he came to say?” 

She shook her head, “no, but I figured it out. You would too, if only you would try thinking about why you are feeling the way you are, sir, rather than shut everything off and try to get rid of human emotions,”

“I know why. It’s because Giyuu is insufferable, weird and has bizarre blue eyes,”

“So any slightly weird guy who looks like mister Tomioka would make you feel the same way?” 

“No one is like him.” 

She stopped at the door, and then gave a nod, “that is a very good starting point, sir. You are not a bad kid, sir, but…No one will know that if you are not honest. Without getting angry, screaming, or saying hurtful words to protect yourself or others,” she then sighed deeply, “I will go back to my work. Enjoy your afternoon.”

Sanemi stood there for a second before sitting back on the engawa to enjoy the sun.

There was nothing specifically wrong with him, but he did not feel alright. 

Ugh . If Giyuu had been around at least there would have been someone to steal quick glances and touches from. 

But he was not.

He probably would never be…

…

Bullshit.

As if they would never meet. They had their medical check-up next week. He would see him then and ask for forgiveness if he must. 

Maybe try to explain to him. 

Explain that-

That he was only annoying because he was always on Sanemi’s mind. 

…

No . That would be too weird to say. 

Ugh . Where was Giyuu? 

The uncertainty alone made Sanemi feel miserable … 

***

Life by the ocean was not so bad. 

Giyuu quite liked the sound of the wind slowly grazing the surface at the blue water to create small and graceful waves, or huge streams. 

Either way, it was both calming and a little bit scary.

The estate in Kanagawa was far smaller than the one back in Tokyo. Mainly because he wanted his safe haven to be cozy but also because with no help and only a single arm, anything bigger would just mean trouble. 

It was a traditional Japanese home, with very little furniture and a huge backyard. He specifically wanted it to be there because while the house was on top of a cliff with the ocean in front, it was still surrounded by a dense forest. It reminded him of his training days with Sabito, and master Urokodaki's home. 

The villagers way down the hill were nice and sometimes asked for his help to assist them. 

It really was a safe haven. 

But…

As he was there in his bath, trying to both lift the hot water container to dump it into the wooden bath and throw some logs into the fire before it died out, all with a single non-dominant shaky hand, he really wished for someone to be with him in this house. 

Maybe someone strong, with scars and a brash personality. Someone who was missing three fingers and some brain cells. 

But no. Giyuu had to accept that he was meant to be alone.

But it was not so bad. He was a few train stations away from Tokyo and his friends.

It would be alright…

With a sigh, Giyuu abandoned his bath idea, going to fetch a brush and a washing cloth instead. 

***

Giyuu did not show up for his medical check-up. 

The girls said since he had been staying at his southern second residence, they rescheduled his appointments to coincide with whenever he visited his main one. 

He did ask when that was, but Aoi said that Giyuu told her he would send for her when he would be coming. 

And, they did not know where the residence was.

“Tomioka is not the most talkative nor expressive person, sir. We’ve never exchanged more than a few words if any…,” said Aoi with a shrug to which Sanemi raised an eyebrow at.

Sure, Giyuu was no chatterbox but if they had taken the time to get to know him, he was quite expressive. He made jokes and everything. 

So, the butterfly estate was a useless dead end. 

Someone was bound to know where Giyuu was. 

***

Or not . 

Sanemi spent a whole week trying to locate him.

He started with the easy one. Strike up a conversation with Tengen as he passed by for a greeting.

The pretext being that one of his wives was pregnant and he was there to congratulate them.

Well, he was glad that the Sound Hashira was having a nice happy family but he also did not care all that much either.

It was particularly useless since none of them knew where Giyuu was as it was not  mentioned in his recent letters. 

“He has been saying that he’s alright,” Tengen gestured vaguely, “we were a bit worried about him since he came by for advice. We’re glad he is doing good, now,” 

Sanemi felt a muscle go in his jaw. 

So these people went to the hot springs with Giyuu, saw him naked and had been receiving letters for the past month when Sanemi did not go to the hot springs with him, nor see him very well naked and most importantly had received no letter from him.

To confirm he was alright or to say anything else for that matter. 

“Why was he asking you for advice?” 

Tengen simply shrugged, “on personal matters. I don’t think he has a whole lot of people to talk about these things with and we don’t mind,” 

Sanemi bit the inside of his mouth to keep himself from saying anything. 

He was trying his hardest to not scream, “he has me.” 

And he was wary of this household. Why were they all so keen on Giyuu all of a sudden?

He wouldn’t be surprised if they were scheming to include him as a member of their couple. 

And they could fuck right off with that idea because Giyuu would never want that.

Probably…

He wouldn't, would he? 

Then again, none of them held him by the collar to tell him he was an annoying itch.

Ugh . 

Sanemi and his big mouth and anger issues. 

***

The Kamado household was next. 

He would rather be caught dead than to go directly ask any of them anything.

Sanemi passed by, left a nice pack of mushy rice cakes and a note written by that annoying woman in his dojo that should probably go back to her business instead of giving him a smirk as she wrote the simple words: 

Where is Giyuu?  

He received a letter a day later which was longer than Sanemi’s will would be, about how Tanjiro was so happy with the treats and that Sanemi and Giyuu had become friends along with several details about the little guy’s life that he did not care about.

The only information he needed was between two sentences of blabber: I do not know where Giyuu currently lives. He never talked about that. 

Did Giyuu talk to anyone? 

Why did no one know where his estate was? 

***

A week later, Sanemi still did not know where Giyuu had been.

His last resort was to go to his main residence and basically camp there until the man decided to show up. 

Whenever that was. 

Apparently, Murata had been passing by from time to time to check on the residence but even he did not know where he was. He was simply doing a favor to Giyuu whenever he could as he lived close by.

Murata found it weird that Sanemi had been sitting cross legged by the door of the estate for the past week. 

Sometimes, he’d jump up on the fence or the roof to walk around or lay under the sun. 

Sanemi wondered if Murata and Giyuu were ever friends? 

Murata looked like a boring guy. Why could he ever be friends with him?

He could not remember the blue eyed man ever mentioning him. 

Ah~ he really wanted to see those ocean blue eyes soon and be both enticed and scared when they were on him. 

He wanted to gouge them out, just so he could have them in his pocket and take a look at them whenever he felt like it. 

“Shinazugawa, I don’t think Tomioka will be coming anytime soon. He practically just settled there,” he declared as he set down a plate of rice balls and a cup of tea in front of Sanemi who had been sitting cross legged on the roof. 

He gave him a nod of thanks, “how do you know him?”

“Oh, we were in the same selection exam and we’re both Water Breath user,” 

He reached for a rice ball, “he is definitely better than you at it,” 

Murata scrunched him his eyebrow with a shrug, “I don’t think many people can claim to be better than him at that…,”

Hum. Alright, maybe he did not completely dislike this guy. He knew his place.

“ Erm ,” he mumbled rather uncertain, “you might already know this, but he did say his estate would be in Kanagawa prefecture, in a hill by the ocean…,”

Well, Sanemi remembered that. But Kanagawa’s coastside was about 1 700 000 shaku in length. 

Even with his speed and stamina, it would take more than two weeks to go house by house. 

Sanemi shrugged, “I already know that,” 

“I apologize if this is rude, but…,” the confusion seemed visible on his features, “why are you looking this hard for Tomioka?” 

“I was just rude to him I guess…,” 

Murata did not comment on that. Mainly because he thought Shinazugawa to be rude to everyone around him and he could not remember him apologizing to people but also because he was slightly scared of the man.

“Oh, alright. Then…Good luck,”

Once Murata had left the roof, Sanemi jerked his head up towards the sky.

He indeed was rude and for some reason, it was making him feel miserable. He had to do something about it.

It just seemed like the right thing to do.

He wanted to grab Giyuu by the shoulders, shake him a few times and tell him how much he missed him. 

Or something …At least, he felt that way. No shame in being honest for once. Just this once.

He let himself fall back on his back and closed his eyes to get a bit of rest. 

Yeah . 

It was as simple as that. Being honest just this once , he thought. 

He would go to Giyuu, and tell him that he wanted to take his eyes out of their pockets because he had the most beautiful pair of dark blue eyes he had ever seen and he wanted to have them with him forever until his death. 

He would just quite frankly tell him that he did not like that he was living so far away because it meant Sanemi could not have him around all the time. 

He would brush the little dark locks on his forehead, and tell him how much he liked having his hands on him, and vice versa. That his dreams were plagued with heavy breath, and rough fingertips and hazy dark blue eyes, and low whispers of names in each other's ears.

That whenever Giyuu said anything close to Sanemi’s ears it would make his knees buckle and his will waver. 

He would tell him that he hated that some random people had seen him naked and that he could be friendly with people that were not him. 

He would tell him that he liked his eyes, his hair, his pale nape and his light chuckles. That he liked his presence and how weird he could be. That he liked his smile and the expression in his eyes that only Sanemi could see. 

He would tell him that…

He would tell him that he liked him . 

Once that thought had reached his brain, Sanemi jumped up in a seating position, his heart thumping hard in his chest.

He-he liked him. 

He quickly stood up on his feet and anxiously looked around him. 

Fuck, Sanemi liked Giyuu. 

He liked him so much it was making him mad .

In a single jump, he landed at the entrance of the Tomioka estate and then started to run down the hill towards his own dojo.

He liked Giyuu so much, he wanted him around all the time . 

Sanemi could barely make anything of the road as he passed by forests and villages, not stopping for a single second to take a breath. 

Snippets of conversion with Giyuu were rushing in front of his eyes and everything made so much sense. 

He liked Giyuu so much, it could not even compare to the infatuations he’d felt before. 

He liked Giyuu so much, he wanted to monopolize him.

He liked Giyuu so much, he hated being called his friend. Because he wanted way more than that. 

A scene of their last conversation together passed by his mind. 

“I was wondering if you wanted to calculate it…”

“Would you perhaps consider coming to live with me….”

That made Sanemi stop dead in his tracks. 

He brought up a shaky hand to rub at his face, soon turning it into a fist that slammed into his forehead.

Fuck...

Fuck. 

Giyuu basically asked him to be his lover and Sanemi had told him off.

FUCK. 

He hated,

Hated,

Hated himself for it. 

He needed to find Giyuu. He had to find him.

Sanemi would be honest. 

He would make Giyuu understand.

Giyuu had to understand. 

He had to understand how much he loved him and if he did not , he hoped he would at least allow him to show him how much he did…

***

Sanemi first took a train to Yokohama to get closer to the region. 

And then, Sanemi walked. 

Sanemi walked in a straight line, always keeping the ocean’s water to his left. The sea was his only indicator that he was on the right path. 

Whenever there was an obstacle, a port, a restricted area or a base, Sanemi would slightly waver from his path, only to go back to it, never walking too far from the sea. 

It turned out that the road could be long when looking for someone. Because Sanemi could not brush it off quickly and be done with it. 

No.

He had to pass by every house that was planted by the sea. He had to ask all the villagers who passed by. He had to keep a keen eye as he looked for the deep blue gaze that his colorless sight could always spot. 

1 700 000 shaku in length on foot while walking slowly was a lot. But Sanemi was not tired. 

He would walk. If it meant finding Giyuu, Sanemi would walk.

He had barely thought about his own physical state at all during that trip because he was busy trying to organize the words in his head.

What would he be telling Giyuu first?

Explain why he had gotten so angry? 

No. He would probably apologize first. 

He wondered if Giyuu would let him touch him.

How he missed letting his hands wander on that waist, grazing his rough fingers all the way down his neck, maybe even fiddling with a dark lock and lightly brushing his cheeks. 

But Sanemi was also anxious.

He had been unforgivable to Giyuu.

For a second time. 

What if he would stand by what he had said the last time they had spoken? 

His heart ached at the thought. 

He could not even blame him for that after what he had said but he thought that if Giyuu were to give him this one chance, he would never fumble it until his death.

In about a week, Sanemi had walked through half of the coast of Kanagawa prefecture with no trace of Giyuu.

But that was alright. 

Sanemi would continue walking.

And, if he found nothing by the coast this time, he would walk it back another time, just to be sure and then if he could not find Giyuu. 

If he could not find him by then, he would walk through the prefecture, not just the coasts. 

If that did not work, Sanemi would walk through the coast of all of Japan. 

And then, he would search for him prefecture by prefecture, village by village and then house by house until the day he fell dead from walking because his feet would have given away. 

Sanemi would walk forever.

He would find him at some point.

He was not worried. 

Sanemi was nothing if not determined.

***

After having passed the first half of the trip, Sanemi began to ponder and wonder a lot.

He thought of that time he had so eagerly denied having any sort of feelings for Giyuu. Saying that he could never imagine them being together.

Fuck that. 

He could see it so clearly. He wanted it so badly.

The morning training rounds. The meals eaten together. The exchanged talks and chuckles. The tangled limbs in the shared futon. 

He thought of that time he had said that he would not even be capable of being intimate with Giyuu.

Fuck that . 

He would lick each part of his body, slowly breath down on his skin and leave a trail of kisses in every nook and between each fold; on his neck, the tip of his ears, the small of his back and the inside of his thighs. 

He would feel Giyuu inside and out and let himself be felt inside and out. 

And finally, he thought of that time he thought that he would swat Giyuu away if he had ever slept on his arm.

Fuck that.

He would cut his sleeve, no , he would cut his own damned arm if it meant that those tired blue eyes could get a little more rest.

How could he have been so blind?

***

Another week passed by and Sanemi felt like his rhythm was not as fast as when he had set up.

But at least, he was scrutinizing the surroundings way better.

He had stopped in a small tea shop for rest. 

“ Ah~, I’m so sad, mother!” A young woman exclaimed from behind the counter at the lady that had come to get the empty cup of Sanemi with a smile, “the handsome guy that usually comes by every once in a while did not pass since so long,” she dropped her head down on the wooden counter.

“Concentrate on your work rather than men, young lady. You are already about to get married in a week’s time and you’re still checking the young men. Have you no shame?” Chastised her mother with a stern look as she passed by her to the back of the shop.

Sanemi had pushed himself back up on his aching feet, about to head back to his trip.

With her head still on the counter, she mumbled, “what would my motivation be if not for that broody blue eyed man anyway? We never get any fun around here,”

Sanemi stopped dead in his tracks, turning towards the woman who was still sulking on the hard surface.

He felt his pulse quicken and his breath hitching. 

Was it his broody blue eyed man?

***

Sanemi ran. He ran faster than he had ever ran before up the hill behind that village. 

He sprinted up the steep hill, lungs burning and breath ragged, each step driven by the urgency to reach Giyuu. His heart pounded from exhaustion and anticipation with sweat streaming down his face.

He was gripped by anxiety, but the thought of seeing those deep ocean blue eyes fueled his every stride.

When he reached the top, a small traditional Japanese house came into view, perched on the hill with the ocean in front and a dense forest around it, surrounded by small plots of planted vegetables. 

He stood there breathless for a few seconds, scrutinizing his surroundings. 

Suddenly, he saw a man with messy dark hair in his usual neat umanori, looking rather distressed with what seemed like a chicken in his arms. 

Anxiety and happiness bubbled inside him as he screamed the man’s name.

“Giyuu!” 

Then, Sanemi sprinted in his direction. 

Giyuu's eyes almost burst out of their sockets in shock. His throat instantly went dry and his heart was thumping loudly in his chest.

As he saw the man running towards him, he instinctively let his chicken go and stood frozen in surprise. 

Sanemi soon encircled him with strong arms.

“I found you...,” he mumbled in a low whisper completely trapping him in his embrace, compressing his ribs, making his breath hitch.

Giyuu felt completely confused as to how Sanemi had even gotten there. He tried to squirm his way out of the man’s arms, but the grip was too tight, so he remained there.

After a few seconds, Giyuu could only hear the loud thumping of both their hearts, beating against each other with their chests glued together. 

Suddenly, Sanemi drew back, holding the confused Giyuu by the shoulders. He locked eyes with Giyuu’s blue ones, his hard look slowly contorting into a loving expression with a smile appearing on his lips.

His hands moved up to Giyuu’s cheeks, and he slowly approached, setting his forehead against Giyuu’s, insistently looking into those ocean-blue eyes. 

Giyuu remained still for a second, then snapped back to reality. 

Furrowing his eyebrows, he swatted one of Sanemi's hands away from his face and took a single step back. 

“What are you doing here, Shinazugawa?” His voice was clear and direct, but his eyes seemed wary.

Sanemi's expression grew slightly sad as he kept a hand in the air toward Giyuu, saddened by the loss of touch, “to find you.”

Giyuu stood stoic, a slight air of anger on his features. 

“How did you find me?”

“I—I walked,” he stuttered, taking another step forward as Giyuu took one back. The wariness in Giyuu’s eyes made him feel a sharp pang in his heart. 

“Well, not really. I took the train, then I walked by the coast and asked around…”

“Y-you came here on foot? You walked all through the coast to find me?”

Sanemi nodded firmly, “and I asked some shop owners and innkeepers. That's how I found you here.”

Giyuu pondered for a second and then gave him a hard look. 

“You have found me, Shinazugawa. What do you need then?”

Sanemi gave him a perplexed but panicked look. He did not like that look devoid of emotions that he could not read. 

Giyuu added, “You have come for a reason, I suppose. Tell me and let's be done with it.”

Sanemi felt his heart clench at those hard words. He slightly dropped his head, clenching his hands into fists. 

He had so much he wanted to tell him. So much he wanted to explain. 

He gritted his teeth, mad that Giyuu was being so cold to him but even more mad at himself for having caused all of this. 

Decided, Sanemi snapped his head back up and took swift steps toward Giyuu. 

Before Giyuu could step back, he grabbed him firmly by the arm, sliding his other hand to his waist and letting his forehead rest against Giyuu's. He looked at him so intensely that Giyuu could not even blink in confusion. 

Taking a deep breath, Sanemi gave a small smile.

“I would cut my arm off,” he said, then almost laughed out loud at Giyuu's confused stare.

“W-what? Why?” Giyuu asked.

Sanemi gave a firm squeeze to his arm. 

“If you were to fall asleep on my sleeve, I would cut off my arm for you, so you could get some rest.”

Of all the things he had wanted to say, that one was the most insistent in his head.

Giyuu looked at him for a while and then sighed, dropping his head. 

He swiftly freed his arm from Sanemi's grasp and gestured to the engawa. 

“You had a long trip. Sit and wait for me, I will bring rice balls and tea. Please leave once you finish…” 

Then Giyuu turned and went inside his house, leaving Sanemi biting the inside of his cheeks to keep himself from smiling too wide. 

It was not much, but it was something. Giyuu had not swung his sword or told him off. 

It was something.

Giyuu had perfected the art of making rice balls with a single hand. They were not the most shapely, but they were fine and tasted alright. He set them on a plate and wondered if he had a tray big enough to fit the plate, the pot, and the teacups to take them in one go. 

Before he could move to search, he heard Sanemi's voice at the doorway.

“Quite a simple house for a safe haven.”

Giyuu shrugged, busying himself with looking for a tray. 

“I like simple things. And I only have a single arm and heavens know how much time to live. I wanted my safe haven to be manageable on my own.”

Sanemi hummed, letting himself into the kitchen, "it doesn't have to be on your own." Saying this, he reached for the pot and the cups, “you bring the plate.”

Giyuu looked at him with slightly squinted eyes, a look that contained a slight bit of contempt. 

“You will not always be around.”

Sanemi gave him a small, loving smile, “I can be…”

Giyuu shrugged, reaching for a large tray under the wooden counter and setting it on the surface. He set the rice balls on it and snatched the teacups and the pot from Sanemi's hands to place them on the tray, sliding his hand under it to carry it on his own. 

“No, you cannot,” he said simply, walking out of the kitchen.

Sanemi swiftly followed him to the engawa, where Giyuu had set the tray on the wooden floor and began serving tea before sliding down to sit on his knees. He gestured toward the space across the tray, then went for his own cup of tea. 

Sighing, Sanemi dragged himself to sit where he had been assigned, “I can be around, Giyuu,” he said in a low whisper.

Giyuu simply shrugged and then shook his head. 

“No. You can be around up until you don't want to anymore and then scream at me and tell me off.” 

He took a sip of his tea, deciding it was too hot, and set it back on the tray.

Sanemi grunted, dropping his head, “I guess I have been doing a lot of that. But not this time.”

But Giyuu was not in a forgiving mood and simply shrugged again. 

“I like my new estate. It is peaceful and has a great view, but most importantly, it will be here until the day I die." He took a deep breath, slightly dropping his head, “all my life, people whom I cared about always ended up leaving, dying even. It is a habit of life. You needn't worry yourself, Shinazugawa. I am not mad at you. I am mad at myself .”

Sanemi was about to cut him off, but Giyuu fleiled a hand dismissively. 

“I am quite used to being alone. Every time I hope too much, people end up dying, yet there I was, hoping yet again. Hoping that this time would be fine, that this time I will not be left alone. But here I am, away from everyone I know, alone ." 

Giyuu could feel his eyes slightly sting; he sniffled and shook his head to prevent further humiliation, “my safe haven will stay with me until I die. But most importantly, it is away. Away from hopefulness. Away from anyone that would leave me behind. This time, I am the one leaving." 

He shrugged and turned his head towards Sanemi, who had been patiently listening, giving him a painful slight smile, “I really like this place.”

Sanemi could feel his heart break into millions of pieces. He felt completely shattered as his heart squeezed with guilt. His eyes were burning up so much they had tinted slightly red. He wanted to knock himself out for having caused this much pain to Giyuu. 

But he quickly shook his head.

This was not about him. 

Sighing, Sanemi pushed himself up on his feet, walking a few steps to crouch down right next to Giyuu, who had been insistently looking at his own lap. Sanemi reached up with his hands to brush rough calloused fingers on his cheek, slowly pushing up his head and delicately making him face him. 

Upon seeing Giyuu's deep blue eyes on his, Sanemi could not help but give him a small loving smile. He locked his hand under Giyuu's chin, keeping his thumb up on his lips.

“You have no idea how deeply sorry I am, Giyuu,” he began. 

The dark-haired man was about to retort but was soon silenced by a light “ shhh ” sound from Sanemi and a thumb moving across his lips, “let me speak, please.”

Giyuu squinted his eyes but then sighed in defeat, giving him a firm nod.

“I am sorry for hurting you the way I did. I would love to tell you I didn't think any of what I said, but that would be a lie,” Sanemi continued. Giyuu scoffed and wanted to free his head, but Sanemi clasped his chin firmly, urging him to keep looking at him, “you are an itch.”

That was too much. Giyuu would not stand to be ridiculed yet again by Sanemi. He struggled and pushed Sanemi away, but the man was nothing if not persistent. He clasped both hands on Giyuu's cheeks to keep him from turning his head and straddled him, sitting on his lap to keep him from running away.

“You are an itch because since the day you sent that damned letter, I have been completely incapable of thinking of anything else. You're always on my mind, Giyuu. Even when I don’t want you there,” 

That got him to stop struggling. He simply looked at Sanemi, dumbfounded. 

“I can't stand the word 'friend' because I don't want to be just that. It's not enough. I want more. I want to be your friend, your lover, your family, your everything. Since that day in the cabin, you have plagued my dreams and thoughts. I see visions of your hazy eyes, of your naked body against mine, of your hands on me, of mine on you.”

Giyuu seemed like he had overheated, barely assimilating what Sanemi was saying. 

“I lashed out at you. I am so sorry about it,” Sanemi continued, his eyes beginning to shine and tingle, “I was just so hurt and jealous of whoever you went to see and didn't think very logically. I wanted— no , I want ,” he took a deep breath and gave Giyuu a slight smile, “I want to be the only one you do that with. The only one who gets to see you naked or to touch your body. I am... ugh ..."

He slightly shook his head, feeling the heat rise to his face as he realized what he had been saying, “I want to monopolize you forever. I can't stand that you went to the hot springs with other people and not me. I can't stand that you're writing so many letters to everyone. I can't stand that you're sending gifts to the Kamados, and above all, I can't stand your stupid house because I should be your safe haven, not this wooden thing.”

He let his forehead drop on Giyuu's, with his hands still firmly squeezing his cheeks. Sanemi was trying his damnedest not to cry . 

They remained that way for a while. Giyuu was still dumbfounded, unable to make any coherent sentence, except for some attempts at, “I-I thought...I…”

Sanemi then closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He then peeled himself away from Giyuu and pushed himself up before casting down one last, sincere smile that oozed love and affection. 

“I said everything I came to say,” he jumped down from the engawa and started walking away from Giyuu in steps backward, still facing him, “I am not expecting anything. I came to apologize and be honest with you because I don't want to hurt yet another person I care about in this lifetime. Think about it if you can. I will wait for you to tell me what to do.”

He then stopped his backward walk and looked straight and hard at Giyuu before adding, “don't pressure yourself, Giyuu. If you don't ever want to see me again, just say the words. I will be sad and miserable, and I will miss your eyes forever, but I will stay away. Don't worry about me.” 

With that, Sanemi gave him a firm nod and turned his back to him as he started walking off.

That snapped Giyuu out of his trance. He jumped up and in a single leap caught up to Sanemi, stopping him by grabbing his wrist. 

“Really?” He said, his head cast down, looking at their hands, “if I tell you to, you will never see me again?”

Sanemi did not turn toward him. He felt his heart clench at the question. 

That would shatter him, but he would respect it. 

That was what he deserved for treating Giyuu that way.

He simply nodded.

Giyuu snapped his head back up, looking at the straight back of the silver-haired man. His back did not look as reliable as he once thought; in fact, it looked rather hunched and unsure.

Under his palm, Giyuu could feel the slight shaking of Sanemi's limbs. He seemed so vulnerable at that moment. Giyuu shook his head and sighed deeply, a pained expression visible on his usually stoic features.

“I am so sure that I will grow to regret this. You’ve already done this twice . But…” 

He let his hand travel up Sanemi's arm, seeing the little goosebumps appearing as he did so. He rested it on Sanemi's shoulder and gave it a squeeze and a slight push for the man to turn toward him. He seemed to hesitate, but soon he turned to stand in front of Giyuu with his eyes cast to the side. 

His eyes were bloodshot red and shiny. A single droplet had made its way across his face. He had been biting at his cheeks to keep himself from crying. He looked so hurt and sad.

It was almost pitiful.

Giyuu sighed deeply, taking his sleeve in his hand to rub away that heartbreaking tear.

Then, he cast his fingers under Sanemi's chin to keep their gaze on each other, “people I care about have always left and died, but I always remain hopeful…”

Sanemi's eyes opened wide and his throat dried up. He swallowed hard before opening his mouth. 

“W-what are you implying?” His voice sounded more cracked than he had hoped.

Giyuu dropped his hand from his face and turned his back to Sanemi as he stood looking at his house. 

“Between us and the tray over there are about ten steps,” he turned his head towards Sanemi, giving him a hard look, “make those ten steps with me.”

Sanemi took a single step toward Giyuu, whose back was still facing him, “n-no, ask me, Giyuu. Ask me what you asked me last time,” his voice was low and charged with heavy emotions.

Giyuu turned his head towards him as he took in the sight of the desperate man before nodding and giving him a very slight smile, “Sanemi,” he started, and the silver-haired man instantly felt a shiver run down his back.

How he missed those lips calling him by his given name, “I have an estate just here. Would you want to come live with me in it?”

Sanemi's heart almost burst out of his ribcage, and his body acted on its own as he sprinted toward Giyuu, encircling his arms around him, closely bringing his back to his own chest and trapping him completely in his embrace. 

“Yes, Giyuu. I would love to live with you.”

Giyuu slightly smiled to himself as Sanemi nuzzled him all around and then settled his head in his neck. The beating heart of Sanemi on Giyuu’s back was so strong that he could feel it in his own heart. 

“G-Giyuu…,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by Giyuu's shoulder.

“Hum?”

Sanemi nuzzled him some more. 

“What I feel, erm , for you...It's not the friendly housemate sort…”

He felt the need to clarify. Several issues could have been avoided if Sanemi had clarified things and been more direct to start with.

Giyuu bit the inside of his cheeks to keep himself from laughing, “I quite got that from the 'touching naked bodies' part of your spee—”

He got cut off as Sanemi brought up his hand to cover his mouth, muffling his words, “stop embarrassing me.”

Giyuu let out a muffled “ pfft ” sound on his palm. Sanemi let his hand drop down to seize his neck, drawing soft circles on his skin with his thumb.

“As long as you get that...You set the rhythm and I will follow. This ...I mean us . It can be whatever you want it to be. I already made my intentions clear.”

Giyuu let out a long hum and then grabbed Sanemi by the wrist, dragging him toward a rather large rock right in front of the house that gave onto a high cliff but had an incredible view of the blue ocean. 

“It is a spot with a lot of wind,” he gestured towards the sea, “you see how it is making the water churn and move and make waves? It is scarily pretty.”

Sanemi hummed in agreement but he was not at all looking at the sea. In fact, he had his eyes fixated on Giyuu with a small smile on his lips. He could barely believe what was happening and had been biting his cheek in an attempt to wake up if it were a dream.

Suddenly, Giyuu turned to face him, his face stoic and expressionless but Sanemi could see the gleam in his eyes. 

“Not many things can move the ocean's water like strong gusts of wind.”

In saying that, Giyuu grabbed Sanemi's collar, bringing him close, their faces a few millimeters away from each other.

Sanemi had his breath stuck in his throat and could only manage a slight, “w-what are you doing?” he stuttered.

Giyuu pulled Sanemi forward.

“Setting the rhythm.” 

Giyuu then pushed himself onto Sanemi, slowly placing his lips on his.

Sanemi let out a choked sound that got stuck in his throat and he remained unmoving for several seconds before he reached up to place his hand on Giyuu's nape.

His fingers curled uncertainly into the soft hair there as Giyuu's mouth slanted firmly against his.

Sanemi's eyes slowly fluttered shut. Warmth pooled in his stomach and a faint tremor carried down his spine. 

Giyuu was kissing him. It was gentle, almost cautious and a bit uncertain.

Slowly, Giyuu peeled himself away, instantly averting his gaze to the side.

It had taken all of his strength to take that step forward and he had nothing left. 

Sanemi was still standing dumbfounded, with his lips slightly pursed.

Giyuu let out a chuckling sound as his face and ears slightly turned red, before taking a few steps back and turning his back to Sanemi, walking towards the house. 

“T-the tea is going to get cold,” he said to dissipate the embarassment, walking towards the engawa.

“Are you going to stand there indef—”

Before he had a chance to finish his sentence, Sanemi had bolted towards him in a hurry, seizing him with one arm across the shoulders and a second across his lower back. 

“You kissed me,” he stated simply, with a burning passion in his eyes.

“I-I supposed I did,” nodded Giyuu.

Before he could ask anything further, Sanemi quickly seized his lips in a hard kiss.

Sanemi's mouth moved fervently against Giyuu's, his lips parting to deepen the kiss. His teeth painfully nipped at Giyuu's lower lip, causing him to gasp and allowing Sanemi's tongue to slip inside.

It was fervent, needy , and possessive, as if Sanemi wanted to swallow him whole.

Giyuu could feel the heat radiating off Sanemi's body, his own heart pounding in response.

When Sanemi finally peeled his head away, he had a wide smile on his lips, “I like the rhythm you set.”

Giyuu was a bit at loss, not sure if this was the rhythm he had set. 

Then, he chuckled lightly, shaking his head, “you do? Because I am starting to regr—” 

And once again, before he could finish, Sanemi had bitten his lower lip, pushing both of them onto the engawa where he pushed Giyuu down onto the wooden surface while kissing him fervently as he laid on top of him.

“S-Sanemi,” Giyuu managed between rough kisses, “what is the hurry?”

Sanemi straightened his back, looking at the disheveled Giyuu, who had wet, red lips and a hazy look in his eyes. 

He let his head drop down, hovering over the dark-haired man and grumbled , “ ugh …you make me almost understand demons.”

Giyuu furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, “w-why?”

Sanemi nodded with a smile on the side of his lips, “I wanna fucking take a bite of you everywhere, especially your nape. Can I?” 

Giyuu raised up an eyebrow at such a bizarre declaration and then chuckled, shaking his head, “what are you even talki—” 

That question was lost in between aching hair-pulling, sharp tongue-sucking, rough, burning, lip-biting kisses and to Sanemi's greatest delight, a whole lot of painful nape biting. 

He had wanted to do it for such a long time, who knew that all he needed to do was simply ask. 

Giyuu was wrong about one thing though. 

He never regretted the faint glint of hope he followed that day. 

Simply because, Sanemi didn’t leave.

Sanemi never left. 

Chapter Text

Sanemi often lied about certain things, and Giyuu never ceased to find it cute. 

He couldn't even count the number of times they would make a fresh batch of sweets, only for them to mysteriously disappear. 

Sanemi would swear he had only eaten one. 

Giyuu wasn't fond of sweets, and there were only the two of them in the estate. Unless someone had been breaking in to steal their sweets, or the chicken had somehow learned to jump up the porch and open cupboards, Sanemi was lying. 

It was endearing that he didn't like admitting he had a sweet tooth. It didn't align with his big, gruff, and angry persona. 

Giyuu thought it suited him perfectly though. 

Sometimes, in the dead of night, as they lay in bare nakedness, steadying their breaths after their bodies had intertwined in heated passion, Sanemi would suddenly push himself up, straddling the laying Giyuu with a cocky side smile on his lips. 

“One more time like this , this time?” he would ask. 

Giyuu would chuckle and nod, knowing full well that it was a lie. 

Sanemi would ask for " one more time " a few more times again…

But Giyuu thought the biggest lie was the one Sanemi told when he first confessed his feelings. That time he had walked by the coast and up the hill to find him. 

To be blunt, Sanemi would never cut his sleeve, nor his arm if Giyuu had laid on it. 

That was definitely romantic blabber. 

Yet Giyuu still found it cute, albeit highly annoying as it often cost him a good night's sleep…

***

Both men were early risers, but somehow, Sanemi always woke up a few minutes before Giyuu. 

He often found himself tucked under Giyuu's chin, his face nuzzled into his chest. 

It was his favorite position to sleep in, listening to the soft breathing and steady heartbeat of the dark-haired man. 

Sanemi always slept better when he could feel Giyuu that close to him, when he could smell his scent and hear his light breathing tickling his ear, and see the slight up-and-down movement of his heartbeat on his chest right in front of him. 

Giyuu often instinctively brought his single arm around Sanemi to hold him closer or fiddle with his silver locks. 

Yes, it was indeed the best position to sleep in.

However , sometimes, Sanemi would wake up with a completely sore arm. 

Opening his eyes, he'd smile warmly at the sight of Giyuu laying his head on his arm, facing him, breathing calmly. 

In those moments, Sanemi often thought back to the woman from his dojo who had first talked to him about cut-sleeves lovers. 

Well, Sanemi thought whoever that was must not have been very passionate about his lover. 

Why would he even need to get up? 

Sanemi thought that the world could come to an end and he’d probably never move. 

Nothing could be more important than idly laying with Giyuu sleeping on his arm.

Well maybe something was; Giyuu awake but still in his arms.

Leaning down, Sanemi started peppering a series of sweet little kisses on Giyuu's lips. 

Giyuu quickly scrunched up his face in annoyance. 

“ Mhm ,” he mumbled, shifting onto his back to face the ceiling. 

Sanemi let out a long hum and bent down again to pepper his cheek with several kisses. 

Annoyed, Giyuu moved away, lazily pushing Sanemi with not much strength. 

With a clear view of Giyuu's neck, Sanemi attacked his skin with small kisses. 

“ Mhmm ,” mumbled Giyuu exasperated, painfully opening his eyes.

That was when Sanemi's smile grew as he propped himself on his elbow to hover over Giyuu. 

“Why are you waking me?” Giyuu grumbled. 

Sanemi did not answer, simply looked down at him with a loving smile. He then bent down to place a kiss on each of Giyuu's eyelids, who closed them one after the other, used to this sort of eyelid affection. 

“Morning,” Sanemi simply said, peeling himself away. 

Bringing up a hand to rub at his eye, Giyuu mumbled a sleepy, “Good morning, Sanemi.”

Taken by a wave of passionate aggression, Sanemi slid one arm under Giyuu's shoulders and let the other encircle his lower back to bring him closer, dropping his head into his neck and screaming rather audibly, muffled only by the contact of Giyuu's skin. 

Giyuu was always confused by such displays of affection but would huff and then chuckle at the whole ordeal. 

He brought his arm to slide it behind Sanemi's back, giving him light taps. 

“You're so soft,” said the silver-haired man in a muffled voice.

Giyuu failed to see what exactly was soft about him with the amount of firm and tight muscles on his body. 

“Human beings, especially trained slayers, are not specifically soft to the touch. Objectively, that is.”

“ Ugh , why do you always feel the need to say that?” Sanemi grunted annoyingly, peeling his head away from Giyuu's neck. 

“I told you, you're figuratively soft.”

Sanemi brought Giyuu's head to his chest, letting his hand roam between his dark locks.

“Hum... Actually, with my head in here, I feel like your chest is quite literally soft.” 

Giyuu dragged his hand away from Sanemi's back to poke his index at the man's pectoral muscles.

“Yeah?” Sanemi answered with a large, cocky smile, “continue poking me like that and something quite literally soft might become quite literally hard .”

Giyuu looked up with a raised eyebrow and then sprawled out his fingers to completely seize Sanemi's breast into his palm. 

“ Stop that . You're being a tease first thing in the morning.”

Giyuu shrugged, “you started it by waking me.”

Sanemi slid down to bring his face in front of Giyuu's, nuzzling his nose with his own. 

“Let's stay like this a bit longer,”

Giyuu furrowed his eyebrows, “why do you always wake me if it is just to remain under the covers?” He asked but still brought his hand to Sanemi’s back in an embrace. 

Sanemi simply chuckled and brought Giyuu closer to his chest. 

Nuzzling his chest, Giyuu had a slight smile on his lips. 

So maybe the silver haired man declared a bit too confidently that he would cut his arm to let Giyuu sleep and it didn't quite turn out that way.

Sanemi would never do anything of that romantic blabber to give him more sleep time because he would most definitely try his damned hardest to wake him up somehow.

If Giyuu pestered Sanemi into telling him why he did so, he would say it was because he liked when they held each other, in a very annoyed grunt. 

But Giyuu thought it was because he would rather ruin his and Giyuu’s sleep than waste a few minutes a day not with each other. 

Giyuu puffed out a laugh into Sanemi’s chest.  

It was fine. 

He could sacrifice a few minutes of sleep for that. 

***

As time passed, Giyuu and Sanemi learned a lot about each other but also a lot about themselves. 

Giyuu already knew that his gruff lover was a rather tactile man from all the wandering hands that often found their way onto his waist, his neck, or his hair. 

However , he did not know Sanemi could be that desperate for contact and touch.

Upon Sanemi's first night in their estate, Giyuu returned to their room to see that Sanemi had decided to lay their beddings next to each other, making a huge two-person futon. 

Giyuu raised an eyebrow as he saw the man laying on his side, averting Giyuu’s blue gaze with a slightly embarrassed look. 

Sanemi tapped on the futon next to him in an inviting manner. Giyuu stifled a chuckle before dragging himself over to lay on his side. 

Sanemi propped himself up on his elbow in front of him and reached up with his free hand to start fiddling with a few dark locks.

“You're so far,” Sanemi said, furrowing his eyebrows, slightly annoyed.

“I am right in front of you,” Giyuu replied.

“That's too far,” Sanemi murmured, letting himself drop down on the pillow and closing his eyes. 

He slept with his hand on Giyuu's hair.

The next day, Sanemi came back from the village with a thick and large two person bed cover.

Giyuu was dumbfounded at first but upon seeing Sanemi embarrassingly averting his gaze with heat slowly rising up his cheeks, he simply chuckled and gave him a nod.

He quite liked having Sanemi’s warm body next to him.

***

Oddly, Giyuu had a peculiar fondness for being pampered.

Sanemi thought it was due to him being the youngest sibling even though he never got to enjoy that privilege. 

But the ghost of it was still there nonetheless. 

Luckily for both of them, Sanemi liked being depended on, in eldest sibling fashion.

“Sanemi...,” heard the silver-haired man as he was filling bowls with rice for lunch. 

He quickly set those down and wiped his hands on his apron before walking towards the porch. Giyuu had been sprawled in a light kimono, with his legs dangling from the porch, letting his limbs take in a bit of sun rays.

“Uhum?” he hummed, popping his head out from the door.

“Would you mind getting me fresh water?” Giyuu snapped his head back to look at Sanemi upside down. 

The silver-haired man let out a light chuckle at the funny mess on the floor. He walked over to him, crouched down, and placed a light peck on his upside-down lips.

“I will bring you whatever you need,” he whispered as he peeled himself away to get a look at Giyuu's eyes. 

Before straightening himself back up, he planted a peck on each eyelid. 

The silver-haired man went to the back of the house with a large water cup. 

They had a clay jug planted in the ground to make the water slightly colder. He filled the cup with a ladle, then went back to his lover by circling the house. 

Giyuu was still sprawled with dangling bare legs from the porch. Sanemi planted himself in front of him and placed the cup next to the laying man. Giyuu pushed himself into a sitting position and grabbed the water cup. Sanemi seized the opportunity to place both hands on each of Giyuu's thighs, planting himself between them.

“I'd like a sip too,” he said in a low, raspy voice. By then, Giyuu had finished his glass and had set it, empty, to his side.

“It was barely enough for me. Even I am still thirsty,” Sanemi gave him a side smile. 

“It's fine. I can have this,” he leaned down to place his lips on Giyuu's freshly wet ones. in a soft and lingering kiss. 

They parted, their faces still inches away from each other, with Sanemi lovingly looking at Giyuu, whose gaze was fixated on the empty cup.

“That was refreshing.”

“Indeed. But , I am still thirsty,” in saying so, Giyuu took the empty cup to wave it at the man in front of him, “Sanemi? Can you, please?”

Sanemi chuckled lightly and pushed himself away, seizing the empty cup with one hand and pinching Giyuu's nose with the other before dragging himself towards the jug yet again.

***

Sanemi was a very dependable man.

Giyuu thought that he must have been a very good older brother, before tragedy hit his household. 

He thrived from assisting Giyuu in any way he could.

He was the happiest when he was cooking for him, fetching him stuff or pampering him. 

At first, it was a bit pressuring for Giyuu as he felt like Sanemi was always behind him. He feared the man was helping him out of obligation, because of his loss of a limb.

But he soon realized it was just Sanemi’s way of expressing affection; being useful. 

Sanemi however did not expect anything in return.

He did not like being thanked because he considered it a pleasure.

He did not specifically enjoy it if Giyuu went and did the same. 

There was only one thing that could make him elated . 

Sanemi would go close to worship each time Giyuu did it. 

Because Sanemi really, really liked being praised. 

Giyuu was sitting on the wooden counter of the kitchen. 

As they were coming up from the hill after a bit of fishing down the mountain, he slipped on a very sharp rock.

He did not fall because he still had good reflexes but he had a small but deep cut on his ankle.

It was really nothing. 

But Sanemi was being dramatic and hoisted him on the counter to go fetch some sterilizing balm given by the Butterfly Estate and some bandages. 

He was alway fretting whenever Giyuu hurt himself, even with a kitchen knife. 

The dark haired man theorized that he was probably afraid the slayers’ mark might gush out of a wound and swallow him or whatever Sanemi was scared of. 

So Giyuu let him do his thing and simply sat there dangling his feet waiting. 

Sanemi quickly came back to crouch down on his knees and treat the wound. 

After carefully wrapping his ankle in bandages, Sanemi let his head rest on Giyuu’s knees and looked up at him with a small smile.

“You’re all good, now…,”

Giyuu fought the urge to tell him that he was all good to start with. 

Feeling a bit amused by Sanemi’s fretting nature, Giyuu decided to be playful. 

“Thank you, Sanemi,” he started, returning his smile. 

Then, he hoisted his leg up to let it dangle over Sanemi’s shoulder, “you are so good to me.” 

The reaction Giyuu would get from that was always amusing.

Sanemi’s ears would slightly redden and his cheeks would go a bit pink.

He would avert his gaze to the side and give him an embarrassed chuckle.

“Y-you think so?” He would stutter sheepishly. 

“Uhum…You are such a good boy, Sanemi,” 

His cheeks would go from pink to deep red and he would puff out an embarrassed laugh. 

Sanemi quickly hid his face in the crook of Giyuu’s knee.

“You’re teasing me,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by Giyuu’s pants.

“A bit,” he admitted with a chuckle, “I mostly mean it though.”

After a bit of grumbling, Sanemi would slowly turn his face back to lock his gaze with Giyuu’s. Then, he slowly closed his eyes and nuzzled his leg.

Giyuu reached down to ruffle his silver hair making him so happy he leaned onto his touch as he brought up both hands to hold his knee. 

Giyuu puffed out a laugh.

Sanemi was such a pet!

But Giyuu avoided saying these kinds of words too much. 

Because Sanemi would be short of carrying him around the house and spoon feeding him his meals to prove that he was indeed a good boy. 

Every once in a while was fine though. 

***

Giyuu opened the shoji door to enter the house, followed closely by Sanemi. 

They had gone for a stroll in the neighboring town and stumbled upon a sumo wrestling tournament. Neither of them had attended one before. They quickly changed into sleeping kimonos before settling on the porch with cups of tea to enjoy the light chill of the night.

“You know, watching sumo wrestlers as a man whose lover is another man is actually quite erotic,” declared Sanemi, leaning slightly back after taking a sip of his beverage.

“Hmm... I suppose it has to do with the giant half-naked men throwing themselves at each other,” said the blue-eyed man.

Sanemi shrugged, “ that , and the sweat, the grunts, the firm body grabbing, and the overall masculine atmosphere.”

“Hmm... You seem excited,” hummed Giyuu with a raised eyebrow, “should we start sparring in our loincloths?”

Sanemi burst out in light chuckles, reaching his hand to gently tap at Giyuu's nape, “ pfft , sure, that would be fun.”

Giyuu scrunched up his eyebrows in concern, “ that was meant to be a joke. I would rather not do that.”

“Why?” Asked Sanemi, raising his eyebrows up and down with a sly smile, “afraid I might chop off your genitals?”

Giyuu turned towards him with a rather serious look, “I am , actually.”

Sanemi chuckled and let his head drop on Giyuu's shoulder. His two hands came to encircle him and bring him closer to his side in a single pull, “ nah . That would make me feel, ah , quite empty inside .”

Giyuu let out a “ pfft ” sound and slightly giggled, reaching with his hand to pull at a single silver lock, “you are so crude.”

Sanemi's muffled giggle tickled his ear as he nuzzled his neck with a smile. 

“We would still have yours,” added Giyuu after a while.

Sanemi peeled his head away in a heartfelt laugh, “yeah, well, I also like to see it pulsing in my palm with each thrust. So, I’m keeping it for now.”

“For now? How reassuring .”

Giyuu gave him a warm smile and slowly shifted to the side, facing his lover. 

Following his need for proximity, Sanemi grabbed him by the hips to drag him closer, placing his own legs on each side of him. He let his arms encircle him and held his own hand behind Giyuu's back. Leaning slightly forward, Sanemi placed his head in the crook of Giyuu's neck, tracing a series of pecks on his collarbones. 

Giyuu brought up his arm with a smile to bring the man closer to him with a hand on his back, drawing soothing circles.

“I wish I had two arms,” he said in a low voice.

“Are you finding it difficult to manage?” Sanemi answered back in a raspy voice, nuzzling his neck.

“With you following me around doing everything for me? No . I just think I could hold you tighter with two arms.”

Sanemi blinked twice and took a few seconds to register what Giyuu had said. He then grunted audibly and forcefully bit his neck, leaving Giyuu to hiss in pain but not draw away as he had grown used to this type of aggression. His lover was prone to violent aggression whenever Giyuu said anything remotely sweet.

Sanemi then huffed in exasperation and slowly proceeded to pepper the reddened skin with soft kisses.

“I am serious, though, Sanemi. If you keep spoon-feeding me everything, I will not even know how to live without you.”

Sanemi simply shrugged, “all good then. I don't know how to live without you. It's only fair. And I like being useful.”

“Hmm... Brushing my hair every night is you being useful?”

Sanemi nodded against his neck.

“Buttoning up my shirt? Massaging my calves?”

“You take too much time doing it alone, and you said your legs were painful whenever we walk too much!”

“ Sanemi ,” he chastised, “I am very grateful to have you. Just don't feel forced to do this because I lack some limbs. I can take care of myself, with or without arms.”

“ Ah , I know. I enjoy being like this with you. I would have acted the same even if you had both arm. Tell me if it feels too much. I will tone it down.”

“ Uhum ,” hummed Giyuu with a nod, “as long as you do not feel obliged to do it...”

They remained holding each other until the frost of the night started to set in and shivers of cold ran down their spines. 

Giyuu suddenly slipped his arm under Sanemi's backside and straightened himself up on his feet, with Sanemi in his arm and his legs on each side of him.

“Such strength in that single arm, Giyuu.”

“ Uhum ,” he chanted, making his way inside the house.

“And where are you taking this chaste, delicate boy?”

Giyuu puffed out a laugh, opening the shoji door of their room with his knee. 

“ Where is this chaste and delicate boy?”

Sanemi chuckled as he snapped the door shut behind them with a kick of his foot. 

He then seized Giyuu by each side of his neck, bringing their foreheads together as he looked down hungrily at his lips, “it wouldn't really be me without the meanness and spite.”

“ Uh-uh ,” he shook his head with a side smile, “and we would not be here if it were not you .”

With a chuckle, Sanemi hungrily seized his lips between his own in a rough kiss, pulling lips and sucking his tongue as Giyuu dropped him on the futon. 

The intensity of their kiss increased as Sanemi's hands roamed over Giyuu's back, pulling him closer. Giyuu's fingers tangled in Sanemi's hair, tugging slightly, making Sanemi let out a low growl as his hands found their way to Giyuu's waist, gripping him firmly. Their tongues danced together, exploring and tasting, while their breaths mingled in a heated rhythm. 

The room was filled with the sounds of their passionate exchange with the futon rustling beneath them as they moved together, lost in desire.

They had their very own wrestling tournament to attend together. 

***

Sanemi vaguely heard a smashing sound on the little chicken coop they had outside. He was not particularly worried about it as Giyuu had been picking vegetables right next to it.

Moreover, it was a sound they had been used to hearing. Whenever Giyuu's stupid old crow had a message to deliver, he would miss his landing and smash into the coop. 

He made both Giyuu and the chicken very anxious. 

The dark-haired man would deal with his crow. Sanemi had more words to write before he called it a day. As Giyuu often wandered away from home to visit his bundle of friends, Sanemi thought he could start learning how to write to send messages if needed. He was a long way from writing full reports, but he was getting better. Giyuu often helped him with it.

A few minutes later, Giyuu opened the front door and walked straight towards the table Sanemi had been studying at. He flailed a letter in front of his eyes, “It is an invitation for a wedding ceremony.” 

Sanemi did not even look up, trying to comprehend why the word ohagi had so many strokes.

“Yeah? Tengen is getting a fourth wife or something? A wife for his wives or whatever that polycule does?”

“Uh-uh,” Giyuu shook his head, letting the letter fall on the table, “it's Tanjiro's sister and Zenitsu.”

Sanemi quirked up an eyebrow, still looking down at his notes. 

“Aren't they like twelve?”

Giyuu shrugged, “they are way older than that. Was it not you who once thought I was courting Nezuko?”

Sanemi snapped his head up, giving him an annoyed look, “I didn't say that. I said it might give her hope and now she probably gave up on you and went to the next best person around.”

Giyuu looked at him with a raised eyebrow and a confused stare before huffing and going to the kitchen to fetch a tray of tea. As he came back, Sanemi was still in an ohagi-strokes confusion.

“I have never been to a wedding ceremony,” Giyuu said simply as he filled their cups. 

He thought of his sister. He could have witnessed a great wedding ceremony back then, and felt a pang of hurt at the thought that his sister never got to experience it.

Sanemi shrugged, raising an eyebrow at the strokes he had attempted that really did not look like what they were supposed to, “me neither.”

They fell silent. 

Sanemi thought of Genya. Poor Genya. Had he been alive, would he have gotten married this year too? He was sure his brother would have made a great husband. He had always been so kind and thoughtful. His heart squeezed as he thought that he himself had driven his brother to never experience such joy.

Wedding ceremonies were not specifically a very happy thought for Sanemi and Giyuu. They only brought dark thoughts. But, they were both rather glad that the kids were growing up and being allowed to have their own joy in life. 

Exasperated by how his strokes looked on the parchment, Sanemi pushed aside the ink and paper with a huff. 

Looking up, he offered a smile to the man in front of him who was looking through Sanemi rather than at him, a bit lost in thoughts.

“Pity we can't be married though,” Sanemi said.

That brought Giyuu back, as he raised up an eyebrow, “are we not already married?”

Sanemi scrunched up his face in incomprehension, “we are?”

Giyuu looked slightly incredulous as he shook his head, “I would not live with, kiss, nor embrace or be embraced by someone whom I am not married to.”

“ Erm ,” Sanemi looked lost, “that's... Oddly conservative considering the components of this pair.”

Giyuu shrugged, “Tengen and his wives back then said that we did not need to marry and we should just live somewhere off together…”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Sanemi frantically shook his hand, “ first , don't talk to me about that specific misunderstanding, you know it makes me sad. Second , we've been married in your head for that long?”

“Well... What is the difference between asking you to live with me with a romantic intent and asking you to marry me?”

“A whole fucking lot.”

Giyuu looked frantically around, at a total loss, “a-are we not married? Have I misunderstood?”

“ No ! No, no, no, no,” Sanemi pushed himself up to encircle the table and flop down right next to Giyuu and seize him by the shoulders, giving him several shakes, “I just didn't know what was considered as married in your books. But sure, hella married then.”

“We cannot have a ceremony nor a family registry. Is it not evident that it was what my proposal had been about?”

Sanemi nodded swiftly, bringing his arms to encircle Giyuu in a tight hug, “I just wasn’t as good at understanding your talking ways back at the time. But yes, for all intent and purpose, we are married.”

Giyuu still seemed concerned, and after a moment of thought, said “I feel like I have dishonored you…”

“Huh?” Sanemi gave him a puzzled look, taking in what he had said. Then, he burst out laughing.

The seriousness in Giyuu’s face was even funnier. The dark haired simply looked at his laughing lover, who had grabbed his stomach from hysterical laughs. 

Sanemi brought up a hand to rub at a tear, “please, Giyuu,” he said after calming down, “do dishonor me as often as you want.” 

Giyuu shook his head in seriousness, “that is not right. We should formally marry.” 

“I don’t need any formal ceremony. Let’s just assume we have been married all along. Now , how about some dishonoring business?”

Giyuu hummed, not really convinced by the whole ordeal.

Maybe Sanemi was expecting an actual proposal.

What if he actually wanted a ceremony?

Otherwise why would he think that they were not until this point? 

Giyuu was not against it. But he could not think of a priest who would agree to such a pair. 

Who would they even invite anyway? None of them had families. The younger kids probably did not even grasp the relationship between the two nor did they really care. The only ones who clearly knew were the Tengen household. Giyuu knew that because the women always threw what Giyuu picked up to be teasing about him and Sanemi whenever he saw them. He never actually understood the innuendos they were making though. And Uzui probably knew too. He never said anything about it but he just had the vibe of someone who figured it out. 

That would be more of a house party than a wedding ceremony. 

He scrunched up his eyebrow in thought.

There was got to be something they could do. 

That night Giyuu had insisted on drinking together before going to sleep. It was some of the last few nights before the cold. They will not be able to enjoy the fresh breeze on the porch without freezing.

“Not on the porch,” he said simply, with a tray with their drink and cups, “let’s go over there,” he jerked forward his head, designating the large rock in front of the house, that gave into the cliff and had such a great view of the sky and ocean. 

“Trying to strike up a mood?” He said with a chuckle, but still complied walking towards the rock. 

Sanemi had intended to turn around and offer a hand to Giyuu to climb it up as he had insisted on carrying the tray by himself but the man had still been a slayer for several years. He jumped it up rather easily. 

The silver haired man dropped down and crossed his legs.

“So...What are we drinking to? The spirit of these woods?”

Giyuu scrunched up his eyebrows, “you really should not talk like that about spirits.” 

Sanemi simply shrugged and watched as the dark haired man laid two saké cups one next to the other and then filled them carefully. He then sat rather formally on his knees and turned to face Sanemi.

“Will you face me?”

“Erm…Sure,” Sanemi did not have the faintest idea about what was going on but somehow still followed by sitting formally, his hands on his thighs as he sat on his knees.

“We can’t have a registry together and I do not think we can do much in a shrine either, so…It is just going to be you and I,” 

Sanemi raised up an eyebrow. Usually, he could mostly understand Giyuu's babbling, even when it made little sense to everyone else but he could not quite comprehend what he was talking about. 

“What are you…,”

“This will be our wedding ceremony,” he cut, with a very serious look in his eyes.

It took several seconds before the words finally reached Sanemi’s brain.

Suddenly, he burst out laughing, clutching at his stomach. He was both amused and feeling rather incredulous.

His laughter echoed in the dead of the night.

He wiped a tear away from the corner of his eye, gasping for breath, “I'm sorry. I didn't get you were still on that,” he said, his voice laced with lingering chuckles.

Giyuu remained looking at him rather seriously, his expression unchanged, “it seemed like you wanted something official,”

“I really didn't,” he retorted, shaking his head with another small chuckle.

Giyuu shrugged, his face solemn, “well, I still do not feel very good about it. I haven't made my intentions as clear as I thought I had the first time, so...” He reached for a knife on the plate that Sanemi had not noticed was even there. The glint of the blade caught the light, drawing Sanemi’s attention.

“I apologize about the order of things. I messed it up but I still want us to be official. I want us to be even more. I want us to be family,” Giyuu said, his voice steady and sincere. He placed the tip of the knife on Sanemi's forearm and slightly pushed on it, the sharp end grazing his skin.

Sanemi's breath hitched, the laughter completely gone from his face.

“Will you take a pledge with me? Will you become my family?” Giyuu asked, his eyes locked onto Sanemi's with an intensity that brooked no misunderstanding.

Sanemi did not hesitate upon seeing the determined, serious look on Giyuu's face. He did feel slightly apprehensive, not because he doubted the situation, but because the seriousness of it all suddenly washed over him in a positive way.

Giyuu and he were that close. They were life partners, lovers, family.

They were everything together.

With a nod, Sanemi presented his forearm to Giyuu, who nodded in return. Slowly, he started plunging the sharp blade into his skin. Sanemi did not even hiss. He was a marechi. He could barely remember the number of times he had done this to attract demons.

“Are you okay?” asked Giyuu, a slight glint of worry in his eyes.

Sanemi breathed out a “heh” sound, “you know I like when it hurts a bit.”

“Pfft," chuckled Giyuu, “well, it usually doesn't involve such body fluids.”

He gave him a wink, “yeah. Other body fluids are involved, though.”

“You shouldn't be so teasingly crude to someone who is holding a knife,” retorted Giyuu, as he retracted the knife from his skin. The tender wound had drops of blood gushing out of it.

He gently held his hand, bringing his arm over the three cups. Garish droplets fell into each cup, mixing with the saké and turning it into a very light shade of pink.

“Your turn,” said Giyuu simply, stretching his arm toward Sanemi.

The silver-haired man grabbed the sharp tool with his left hand, fearing that the lack of fingers on his right hand might hurt Giyuu in some way. He brought the sharp end to his skin and, in the same fashion, let it plunge into his flesh. Giyuu did not move an inch. He was far less used to this sort of aggression than Sanemi, but his resolve in the seriousness of the ceremony made him forget the little pain.

Their eyes remained fixed on each other, their expressions serious but with a glint of unvoiced joy.

Sanemi threw the knife on the tray, then delicately held Giyuu's arm with both hands. He brought it to hover over the two saké cups, letting the scarlet drops splash into the liquid, turning it into a slightly darker shade of rose.

They both reached down to grab their own small cup, bringing it to their mouths. 

Sanemi suddenly stopped and seized Giyuu by his wrist to keep him from sipping. He threw him a questioning look, but Sanemi simply smiled and guided the dark-haired man’s wrist towards his lips while bringing up his own cup to his mouth. Giyuu gave him a slight smile followed by a little nod. Slowly, they both bent their wrists to allow the man in front to sip at the pink beverage. Giyuu and Sanemi both kept tender smiles on their lips the whole time with a very loving glint in their eyes.

As they brought down their hands to set the cups, Giyuu chuckled embarrassedly.

“This is potentially dangerous. What if we are exchanging illnesses?”

Sanemi shrugged, “I'd gladly get myself whatever sickness you've got.” He then pushed himself up on his feet, reaching a hand to help Giyuu up.

“What is it?” Giyuu asked as he seized it.

“Now we got to honeymoon.”

He raised an eyebrow, “I don't believe we can find any inn or hot spring open at this hour. But we should take a small trip for sure.”

Sanemi had a side smile and simply reached to grab Giyuu by the waist, “up you go, husband.”

Before he had time to react, Giyuu was lifted up. Instinctively, he encircled Sanemi's shoulders with his arm and steadied himself by clasping his legs around his waist.

“What are you doing?”

“Honeymooning.” Sanemi still had a side smile as he walked towards the house.

“Where are we to go at this hour?”

Sanemi shrugged, “wasn't it you who was worrying about dishonor and loss of traditional values? Let's do some honorable love-making bound by marriage and stuff.”

Giyuu raised an eyebrow in confusion and then slowly chuckled.

He let himself be carried and relaxed in Sanemi's embrace, playfully dangling his legs, “alright...,” he said, quirking his head to the side. Giyuu suddenly placed his mouth right next to Sanemi's ear, “...Husband.”

Sanemi stopped dead in his tracks, feeling a shiver run down his spine. Tightening his grasp on his lover, he suddenly started sprinting with trained slayer speed towards their bedroom.

“Pfft,” chuckled Giyuu while patting him on the back. 

And he said he did not want a ceremony...

***

Sanemi did not stop being the definition of anger just because he had gotten with Giyuu. 

As it turned out, Giyuu really liked his bundle of friends. About once a month, he would leave the house to go visit everyone back in Tokyo, starting with the Kamados. Sanemi thought he was doing a great job at not being a complete asshole to the kids since the war. But, them taking Giyuu away so many times a year was making his animosity rise up. 

He usually went to his own estate then went to his medical check-up during that week of absence. They would make their way together back to their shared house. But, that was still a whole week without Giyuu, and he really did not want to parade around for a week between people's houses.

“Why do you feel the need to go see this damned baby? It's just a small human,” grumbled Sanemi, following Giyuu around as he packed to leave for a little longer than usual. One of Tengen's wives had given birth again, and Giyuu made it a point to go congratulate them.

“Because that is the decent thing to do. You should consider going too.”

Sanemi shrugged. He would pass by during his next visit to the Butterfly Estate.

Giyuu had just gotten back from his master's quite literally a week before after being absent for a while, and a letter from Tengen made him ready to pack up and leave again.

He really needed Giyuu to be around that week.

“The baby will still be around in a month.”

Giyuu shrugged, “so will you,” he said as he continued to pack, not even glancing back at Sanemi, “I like holding small babies. I was allowed to hold the first one.”

Sanemi huffed while rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, “really? Go have some then.”

Giyuu gave him a perplexed look , “what is wrong with you, Sanemi?”

“It's... I am— ugh , whatever . Go off for all I care.”

Sanemi walked through the front door, violently smashing it behind him.

Giyuu sighed deeply, looking at the closed door. He finished packing and made his way to their room.

He slid into the bedsheets and realized they were slightly heavier than they ought to be. It was odd, really, how human habits worked. The futon seemed too big for him without messy silver locks under his chin. It made him feel incredibly lonely somehow.

Suddenly, Giyuu snapped up his head toward the shoji door leading to the porch as he heard shuffling. 

“I didn't leave, by the way. I never would,” he heard the grumpy voice of Sanemi through the wooden barrier.

He must be sitting with his back to the door. Giyuu smiled to himself and huffed before pushing himself into a seating position.

“Sanemi,” he started, looking down at his hand, “is there something wrong?”

He heard him grunt out in exasperation, “ugh , it's nothing, I'm just....”

Giyuu slowly stood up, dragging himself next to the wooden shoji door, “you promised you would be honest with me,” he said as he bent his knees to sit on the floor.

Giyuu could hear some more angry grunting, huffing, and humming.

He could see him bring up a hand to scratch and ruffle his own hair in annoyance.

“It's my birthday this week,” he said finally after much mental challenge.

That did not make Giyuu understand the issue at all. It made him even more confused. They had never really celebrated anybody's birthday as far as he recalled. Moreover, Sanemi was not really sentimental when it came to these things. Giyuu once asked Sanemi if he remembered when exactly they had started living together, and the silver haired man could not recall the date. 

It was a few seconds later that Sanemi added, “I will be twenty-five.”

Oh , so that meant that they had been together for about four years. 

Time sure... 

Suddenly, a shiver ran down Giyuu's back as the meaning suddenly hit him. Fear and panic crept up in him.

In a swift movement, he threw open the shoji door and reached with an arm around Sanemi, bringing him to his chest in a tight embrace. He let his head drop to his neck.

“I am so sorry, Sanemi,” he mumbled, his voice muffled, “I failed to understand you.”

They remained that way for several seconds before Giyuu could feel Sanemi's hand slowly clasping over his own as another came around to seize a few locks on his head.

“It's alright. You couldn't have known.”

“I should have known from how insistent you were.”

He shook his head with a chuckle, “I throw a fit whenever you leave me, so that's not a good indicator.”

Giyuu tightened his grasp, bringing Sanemi even closer.

“Erm ," stuttered Sanemi, "w-will you stay then?”

Giyuu nodded in his neck, “of course, I will stay.”

They remained holding each other that way until dawn when they slowly made their way into their room.

The sun began to rise from the ocean in the distance, casting a soft glow over the cold morning and the slight mist that hung in the air. Giyuu held onto Sanemi the whole time, feeling the slight shaking of Sanemi's hand as they walked together.

***

On the day of Sanemi's twenty-fifth birthday, they remained coupled at home, on the futon, holding each other tight. 

Giyuu thought that he had no family and no goal. He thought he had already accomplished his goal by annihilating all demons. He thought that his only option was to patiently wait for death to take him.

Sanemi thought that all he could do was wait patiently. He had once prayed for the Demon Slayer Mark to take him sooner than it ought. For a long time, he woke up disappointed for having to suffer for a longer time. He thought that staying alive was his punishment for having shed his mother’s blood, for having treated Genya so inhumanly. He thought that his purgatory was to suffer their losses alone.

They thought all they had left to do was to carry the burden of survival on their shoulders and wait for the Mark to take them. But then, they met each other somewhere in the middle of this. 

Now, they woke up together, ate together, trained together, bathed together, and slept together. 

It was odd how a few years back, both of them were only waiting for death, barely understanding why they should even take Kocho’s pills. But, somewhere along the way, they had started taking their pills diligently for the past four years. 

Neither Sanemi nor Giyuu were afraid of death. They had lived way past the age of most Hashira. But as they were tightly holding onto each other, they could not chase the greedy little voice in their heads, begging for a bit more time. 

A bit more time to wake up next to each other. 

A bit more time to hold each other. 

A bit more time together.

They did not sleep a wink that night, nor did they move an inch.

The sun rose, with them remaining in their futon.

It was around midday that Giyuu slightly shifted his head to check on Sanemi, whose head was tucked under his chin and his eyes wide open. He held him as tight as his arm could.

By night, Sanemi lightly pushed himself away from Giyuu's embrace. 

Looking up at him, he reached with his hand to fiddle with a lock of hair on his nape while giving him a warm smile.

“Should I go get started on dinner?”

Giyuu looked at him for several seconds and then pushed himself into a sitting position.

He glanced lovingly at the man lying down with a smile on his lips, “I will help.”

Sanemi chuckled, suddenly pushing himself up on his feet, “you're garbage at cooking,” he said, reaching with his hand inviting Giyuu to take it as he helped him get up.

They walked hand in hand to their kitchen. 

Sanemi did not leave . 

Sanemi was still there.

***

The greed in their hearts remained for a long time after that. 

The fear too. 

For a long time, they tiptoed around it. They avoided making plans too far ahead. 

But they soon discovered that they had nothing but time. 

The days turned to months. 

The months to more. 

And before they even realized it, a year had passed.

And they were both still there .

They were still together. 

One year turned to two.

Two spread to three and then to four. 

Sanemi and Giyuu had time. 

They had peace.

They were not patiently waiting for death anymore. They were waiting for the next meal they would share together. The next trip they would take. The next fight they would have. The next one they would solve too. 

They were waiting for the lingering kisses, the tights embraces, the funny banter and the deep talks.

They were waiting for the next day, to open their eyes and have a dark gaze meet a deep blue one.

It was more than either had ever gotten before. More than a lot of people had ever had in their entire lives.

That was true peace. 

But they could only escape the Mark for so long. 

One morning, Giyuu woke up in a fit of coughing. 

Startled, Sanemi sprang up, bringing his hand to Giyuu's back in a soothing motion.

Giyuu brought a hand up to his mouth to attempt to calm it, and as he drew back, his palm was covered in blood.

Sanemi looked at it horrified and instantly brought him back to his chest, holding him close. 

The Demon Slayer Mark was there. Eating at them. They could both feel it. 

But it was fine. They had more time than they ever thought together. 

They would wait. 

There was no other alternative.

Chapter Text

Sanemi and Giyuu could both feel the firm grasp of the Demon Slayer Mark clutching at their string of life. 

 It started with small signs—a cough here , a sudden fatigue there —but with the passing months and years, other symptoms appeared.

Sometimes it was bearable. 

They still lived a great portion of their lives as slayers. Their pain threshold was way above average. 

Other times were a bit harder to endure…

Either way, they were both glad to have each other. 

They were both glad to have someone to lean on when the cough choked them too hard, or their hearts squeezed them too tight.

They were both glad to be together .

***

Giyuu had woken up a few days back with heavy limbs. It was hard to even reach for his chopsticks, but he still forced himself to do so. The Butterfly Estate girls said that indulging the disease too much would only make their body used to less movement.

He decided on taking a warm bath to soothe his aching muscles. 

Sanemi had helped him fill the wooden tub with water and lit the fire below for it to be warm. 

As his lover went to fetch some more wood in case the built fire went off, his arm suddenly went limp.

It did that sometimes, but it was never at highly inconvenient moments. 

If he were eating, he would just stop and decide he’d had enough to eat. If he were writing, he would just wait for it to function again.

However, standing butt naked and soaked in the bathroom after having washed himself before his bath was a bit bothersome. 

He could not hoist himself into the bath with no arms and while he could awkwardly maneuver legs and head to open the door, it was peak winter season. Giyuu was prone to colds and did not want to go out in such a state of undress. 

So he simply stood there in the middle of the room, hoping Sanemi would not take too long. 

“What are you standing there for?” Indeed, a little while later, the silver-haired man opened the door, a bucket in one hand and more wood under his arm with a shot up eyebrow. 

Giyuu turned towards him and simply nodded at his arm, “It stopped functioning.”

“ Ah ,” Sanemi said knowingly. 

It happened a few times, and honestly, it was probably the least inconvenient effect the Demon Slayer Mark could bring. 

That week, Sanemi had woken up feeling very few side effects, so at least he could help. 

He walked over to dunk the bucket in the wooden bath, then threw a few logs of wood under the tub and plunged his hand in the water to check the temperature. 

Dropping down his bucket, he walked over to Giyuu, seizing him by the waist and planting a chaste kiss on his forehead before giving him a tender smile. He stood at his side, placing one arm across his shoulders and bending to place the other behind his knees, hoisting him up in his arms.

Giyuu simply looked up at him, “Thank you, Sanemi.”

The silver-haired man simply hummed. There was no need to thank him for something like this; it was both a pleasure and a duty. 

“Your legs are fine?”

“ Uh-huh ,” he nodded. 

Sanemi carried him, hovering over the bathtub and loosening his grasp on him for Giyuu to drop down on his feet and sink inside on his own. 

Sanemi then hoisted himself behind Giyuu on the wooden surface made for sitting and crossed his legs. He reached to seize the dark-haired man’s head and bring it to him. Giyuu had his head nestled and his neck well cushioned between Sanemi’s legs.

“Did you wash your hair?”

Giyuu hummed in a relaxed tone, glad that his limbs were submerged in warm water. 

“I washed myself entirely.”

Sanemi placed his hands in the crook of Giyuu’s neck and started kneading the skin all the way through his shoulders and back up again, hoping it would make him relax a bit. His rough fingers traced delicate lines from shoulder to neck, then descended back slowly, sending a shiver down Giyuu's spine. Gooseflesh erupted on his skin as a soft sigh escaped his lips in profound relaxation as he felt the tension melting away under the gentle ministrations.

They remained that way until Sanemi noticed that Giyuu had been slightly dozing off and then waking back up again. 

He slightly tapped on his forehead, “Come on, you’ve marinated in here long enough.” 

Giyuu had his eyes half-opened and seemed in a daze. The warmth of the water and the foggy bathroom made him slightly unfocused.

“Up on your feet,” Sanemi urged. It took Giyuu quite a few minutes before lazily pushing himself up. He then wobbly walked towards him, making sure not to slip in the tub. 

“Sit between my legs. It will be easier to get you out.” 

Giyuu did so with no complaint, hoisting his legs up on Sanemi’s knee. The silver-haired man seized him across the shoulders and behind the knees, then stood up to jump down. He bent down to let him stand on his legs.

Grabbing a medium towel, Sanemi carefully dried Giyuu’s face, gently patting his cheeks and forehead. He could not help but smile slightly at the sight of Giyuu’s dazed gaze, all complacent , letting himself be cared for. He then moved down to his neck and shoulders, his touch soft and caring . The towel brushed over Giyuu’s chest and back, soaking up the water, and Sanemi made sure to be thorough yet gentle, making the process almost sensual in its tenderness.

He then threw the towel on the floor and grabbed another large one, draping it over Giyuu. He looked like a tall snowman, covered in white from head to toe. Then, he wrapped him up and tucked the towel from all sides layer upon layer like a dumpling. He took a step back to admire his work, then gave a firm nod satisfied that his dumpling was tightly wrapped. 

Sanemi hoisted him in his arms again, pressing Giyuu’s head to his chest to keep his face warm. Carrying him through the house, he made sure Giyuu was snug and protected from the cold. Arriving at their shared room, he gently laid him on the futon. He reached to free Giyuu’s head from the towel but kept it tightly around his body.

He grabbed a brush, settled behind him, and started brushing his hair, his rough fingertips grazing Giyuu’s scalp and neck, sending shivers down his spine.

Sanemi set aside the brush, and then gently pushed himself closer to Giyuu, reaching to encircle him in a tender embrace and bring him to his chest. 

He let his head drop in the crook of his neck, padded with the thick towel. 

“How do you feel?” He asked in a slightly hoarse voice.

Giyuu slowly turned his head towards him, letting his forehead drop on his, “a bit sleepy.” 

They remained in a tight embrace for a short while before Sanemi planted a tender kiss on Giyuu’s jaw.

“I will go clean up the bathroom. Don’t fall asleep yet.”

“ Uhum …Alright,” said Giyuu sheepishly in a complete daze.

Sanemi chuckled, not sure if he would indeed remain awake. 

As he came back, he found Giyuu still obediently sitting on the futon looking straight ahead with hazy eyes. He turned his head towards Sanemi as soon as he opened the door, and yawned. 

“Will you rub my eyes for me, Sanemi?” 

In saying so, he closed his eyes and snapped up his head to present it to the silver haired man.

With a chuckle, Sanemi walked towards him and crouched down. He placed his hands on each side of Giyuu’s face and rubbed at his eyes with his thumbs. 

Then, he brought his face to him and planted a soft and chaste kiss on his lips. 

Giyuu responded a bit late as he did not expect it. 

Peeling himself away, Sanemi went to grab a bedtime kimono for Giyuu. 

He threw it on the futon and went to unwrap his tightly wrapped dumpling. 

He quickly but gently slid Giyuu’s limp arm into the sleeve of the garment and draped it over his shoulders. Seizing the towel, he tapped on Giyuu’s waist so he could slightly hoist up for him to set it away. 

Clean and with clothes on his shoulders, Giyuu decided that he’d done enough and threw himself back to lay flat on the futon. 

Sanemi looked at the hazy, half opened eyes of Giyuu and swallowed hard. 

With the dim light of the candle illuminating the room, the half dressed Giyuu with his front exposed looked truly mesmerizing . 

Bending down to hover over him, he planted a gentle kiss on his cheek then a chaste one on his lips. 

Going down, he left a tender peck on his neck and further down a soft one on his stomach. Straightening his back, he let his hands travel down his thighs only to bend back down again and place a string of pecks down the inside of his thigh . He lifted up his other leg to plant a delicate kiss behind his knee. Finally, he left a kiss on his ankle and an ultimate one on his forefoot. 

Sanemi sighed deeply, and went back up, seizing both sides of the kimono to tightly knot it. 

Giyuu had kept his eyes on him and simply sighed as the man threw himself on his side right next to him.

“I thought you had something else in mind…,” he said in a low, sleepy voice. Giyuu did his best to hoist himself to his side, and landed face first into Sanemi’s chest.

The silver haired man instinctively reached to bring him closer with a hand on his head as he fiddled with his locks, “when you are half-asleep? That’s morally dubious,” 

Giyuu chuckled weakly, “you are morally dubious,” 

Placing a kiss on his forehead, Sanemi gave him a tender smile, “not to you.” 

Giyuu hummed and then planted a kiss on Sanemi’s exposed chest. 

He then closed his eyes as his mind drifted into unconsciousness.

Sanemi remained awake a while after. 

It had become a habit. Each night, he would remain awake for a bit and would wordlessly pray in his heart.

Giyuu’s health was declining at an alarming rate. 

But he was not a fool. He knew that it was useless to pray for his recovery. 

Sanemi was simply praying for mercy. 

If they both had to die, he prayed to be the first one to go. 

It would break his promise to Giyuu. He told him he would never leave him but despite Giyuu’s lack of social qualms he was way stronger emotionally than Sanemi ever would be.

If Sanemi were to die, Giyuu would be broken hearted and sad. He would willow and isolate. But he would remain alive and get support from his friends. He would hang in there until the time came for him too. 

Sanemi, however, would never recover if he were to lose the only member left of his family.

If Giyuu were to die before him, Sanemi was not sure he could push himself to remain alive. 

He would willingly drive himself to death in hopes of ending this life of misery. 

And he didn’t know whether that would ruin any chance they had of finding each other in the afterworld or not. He also did not want to take any chances.

So, Sanemi prayed.

Each night. Every night.

He prayed for death. 

He prayed to the heavens for a tiny bit of pity for him. 

To spare him, just this one time by not making him the sole survivor of his family.

***

The two of them had very different ways of dealing with their declining health.

Sanemi had been waking up miserable for the past few weeks. 

Nothing in his body was going right. His limbs would give out randomly. He could barely spend an hour a day standing. Most of what he ate ended up at the bottom of a bucket. Every cough came with the taste of blood in his mouth, and a deafening headache was his constant companion. 

Giyuu was not at his best either, so even he could not fully take care of Sanemi.

Which was for the best.

Sanemi really disliked being fussed over. It always made him feel guilty and useless.

“I made you porridge,” declared Giyuu as he opened the door to the room where Sanemi was laying on the futon. 

“Can you sit up?” he asked, crouching down to set the tray next to him.

Grumbling, Sanemi straightened up into a sitting position, feeling like a thousand needles were being dug into his muscles. 

Couldn’t the Demon Slayer Mark just off them without the necessary sickness that it came with? The Butterfly girls had given them some pills and infusions to alleviate the symptoms, but they only worked half of the time. The rest, they just had to endure. He felt like such a bum and was so angry at his own health.

Fuck this body. Why didn’t he die in battle like everyone else? At least then he wouldn’t have to get help from an equally sick guy who only had one arm.

Sanemi felt pitiful .

And he hated himself for it.

“I will help you eat.”

It broke Sanemi’s heart to see Giyuu, who already struggled with himself, reach for a spoon with his shaky hand and fill it with porridge to bring it to Sanemi’s lips, giving him a slight smile. 

He should be the one feeding him. He should be the one assisting and helping him. 

Sanemi grumbled, but complied. He could not do much about it. He felt like he was being stabbed whenever he dared to move. But he never ate much. Mostly because he would be barfing it all in the next hour but also because he couldn’t bear it. 

He couldn’t bear being so useless and relying on Giyuu. 

He couldn’t bear not being reliable .

After a few spoonfuls, Sanemi snapped his head to the side. 

Giyuu sighed, giving him a rather concerned look, “Are you sure you do not want more, Sanemi? You barely ate…,”

The silver-haired man simply hummed, visibly annoyed, and let himself rest back down on the futon. 

Giyuu set the spoon back on the tray, but still added, “Will you try to have a bit of rice at least?”

Sanemi grunted, closing his eyes, “I don’t want to.”

“ Erm …Then, perhaps some water…”

“Stop fretting and fussing around me, Giyuu,” he answered between gritted teeth, opening his eyes to throw him an exasperated look. “I said I didn’t want anything. Leave me the fuck alone.” 

Sanemi quickly closed his eyes again. He didn’t want to see the effect of his words on Giyuu’s eyes.

The dark-haired man simply looked at him for a short while before sighing and getting up, taking the bowl of porridge but leaving the water behind. 

Giyuu was not hurt by Sanemi’s words. They had been together for years . He knew him better than anyone else. He was aware that Sanemi was angry and exasperated, but not at him . 

He was angry and exasperated at himself . 

For being sick. For needing help. For bothering Giyuu. 

But Giyuu did not feel like it was a bother. 

Since the first signs of sickness appeared, Sanemi had been so adamant about assisting Giyuu. He did so even before that. He was reliable and had a strong back. 

Whenever Giyuu even voiced his thanks, Sanemi would brush him off, telling him it was his pleasure as his husband. But why was it so difficult for him to understand that Giyuu too considered it a pleasure. 

Why would they even be together if they did not take care of each other? 

But Sanemi’s whole self-worth revolved around establishing himself as a pillar for Giyuu. He probably could not even bear himself at the moment. 

So, whenever Sanemi’s health worsened, Giyuu gave him what he needed the most: space .

Giyuu was standing by the door of their room with a bucket of clean water and a towel inside. 

His heart squeezed so tight at the sound of the retching coming from the room. 

He wanted to barge inside and hold Sanemi’s hand, brush his hair out of his face, and pat his back. 

But Sanemi would probably not like that. 

As soon as the sound calmed down, Giyuu quietly opened the door and walked towards the crouching Sanemi, hovering over a bucket with spit and blood trailing out of his mouth. Giyuu could see him shaking from the corner of his eye and was trying his hardest not to reach for him. He would not like it…

Giyuu simply took the soiled bucket and replaced it with the clean one. He dunked the towel inside a few times, squeezed it as well as he could with a single hand, and brought it up to rub at Sanemi’s face a few times. 

The sick man did not protest and simply kept his head cast down. Once he finished, Giyuu set the towel back in the bucket and straightened up, grabbing the soiled one on his way out. 

As soon as he got out of the room, he heard a loud ruckus. 

He knew what it was instantly. 

It was the sound of the water bucket being thrown somewhere in the room.

Giyuu sighed and went to fetch cleaning supplies.

Giyuu could always feel a distance between him and Sanemi whenever the silver-haired man was very sick. 

They still slept together on the futon, but they were each on their own mattress and their own bedsheets. There was no holding each other close, no arms casually thrown on waists, no playing with a few locks and no tangled limbs.

It was alright. Sanemi needed his space to recover. He always came back three times more clingy when he got better.

The dark-haired man could feel himself drift off to sleep but was suddenly woken up by loud cursing.

“Fuck…Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK ,”

He snapped up into a sitting position instantly, looking at the futon next to him where Sanemi was lying on his back.

“Is something wrong?”

“ Everything .”

Giyuu could see a few veins pop on Sanemi’s forehead and he seemed very annoyed, almost mad at something.

“I fucking soiled myself is what is wrong.”

The previous Water Pillar looked at him and then sighed deeply. It was a sigh of relief and he kept himself from saying, “ Is that it? ”

He pushed himself to go grab clothes, towels, and clean water. After he had helped clean himself, Giyuu threw a neat kimono on Sanemi’s shoulders for cover and then went to slide a hand under him to carry him to his own clean mattress, kicking the soiled one away from them. 

Sanemi did not say a word as he was being carried in Giyuu’s arm and simply held onto the man’s shoulders. 

He started to get worried at the silver-haired man's silence but still set him on his own futon and let him lay on his back as he began toweling him off. 

Sanemi did not utter a single word. As drying off his genitals did not elicit any ribald comment, Giyuu decided to break the silence.

“You know, it is not as bad as you thin—”

“Shut up.”

Indeed. Sanemi did not suddenly turn into a mushy, loving partner the second they started living together. Well …Honestly, he was rather mushy and loving but he was also pretty much still very mean whenever he was angry or suffering. 

Giyuu just got used to not taking it to heart too much after so many years together and simply continued drying him off. 

Suddenly, Giyuu could hear the faint sound of light sniffing. He looked up to find Sanemi scrunching up his face, trying his damned hardest not to let the embarrassing tears come out of his eyes.

“ G-Giyuu …,” he mumbled after a while, “I can’t move my hand very well…P-please put something over my h-head…”

And Giyuu complied. 

He reached for his own sheet and let it delicately fall onto Sanemi’s face. 

Instantly, loud sobs and wails could be heard through the whole house. The whole mountain even. The weeps were like a sharp object being stabbed in Giyuu’s heart repeatedly. He himself was doing his best not to cry and worsen Sanemi’s state. 

He swallowed his tears and continued drying off his lover. 

As he reached for the soiled bedding, Sanemi’s cries grew louder and louder . 

Giyuu silently exited the room to throw them for washing.

When Giyuu came back into the room, Sanemi was still on his futon, lying on his back but had squirmed his way from under the sheet. He simply looked at the ceiling with bloodshot, puffy eyes and a completely wet face. 

Giyuu took the sheet and replaced it with another. 

He slowly laid beside Sanemi on his side and draped the soft linen over them. 

Sanemi kept looking at the ceiling while Giyuu kept looking at him. 

Slowly, the silver-haired man shifted onto his side, setting his head under Giyuu’s chin and letting his hand slide around his waist. 

Giyuu’s heart almost skipped a beat. He missed this proximity so much. He brought up his hand to let it roam in Sanemi’s hair.

The silver-haired man cleared his throat. “ Erm …I’m sorry, Giyuu,” he said in a raspy voice, “I know I’m hard to deal with when I’m—”

Giyuu cut him off by suddenly bringing his head to his chest. The rest of his sentence was a muffled babble.

“ Please , Sanemi, don’t say that. You are very good to me.”

Sanemi puffed out a muffled laugh and peeled his head away.

“ Really ? When I ignore you and tell you off?”

Giyuu looked at him expressionless, then simply planted a tender kiss on his forehead.

“No…When you cook all of my meals. You are such a great cook, Sanemi.”

“Ah… Well …I’m glad you like it,” he felt slightly embarrassed, especially after having thrown several tantrums.

“When you care for me when I am sick. When you help me wash. When you brush my hair and carry me when I can’t walk. When you button my shirts for me and pat my head and back. When you kiss me everywhere and kiss me some more fearing that you might have left off a spot. When you ask me several times if I am in pain and indulge me for everything I ask—”

Giyuu could have continued for the whole night if Sanemi had not reached up to clasp his hand on his lips.

“Stop embarrassing me,” he mumbled, his ears turning a bit red at the tips.

“I am simply telling the truth…,” Giyuu twirled a lock around his index finger.

Sanemi remained silent, bringing Giyuu closer as he could nuzzle his chest.

“Still…,” he said after a while, “I’m sorry. I wish I can always be like that and not like this …”

Giyuu shrugged, “It is alright. Make me food as soon as you get better.”

“And if I don’t get better? How can I repay you then?”

“ Huumm …,” he pondered, and then added, “Then just let me help and repay me in the afterlife.”

Sanemi nodded, “And what if I get reincarnated and can’t wait in the afterworld?”

“Then wait for me to get reincarnated too.”

“And if we get reincarnated in two different places?”

“Then find me, Sanemi. Look for me like you did when you came here.”

“ Ah …And how would I repay you if I am reincarnated as…I don’t know, a tree or some object…A chair. A very mean pet.”

Giyuu couldn’t help but let out a chuckling sound.

“Then be a fruit tree and feed me. Be a strong chair for me to sit on. Be a mean pet who would guard me.”

Sanemi chuckled, “You’re so needy, Giyuu. You can’t live without me no matter the lifetime.”

He raised an eyebrow, “ Me ? You are the one who wants to—”

“Thank you.”

Giyuu wanted to say that Sanemi was the one who tied his self-worth into appearing dependable and caring for him. Giyuu was simply indulging him. But he was cut off before he could finish. Sanemi would always be the first one to turn the situation to not appear too vulnerable.

It was almost funny. They have been together for years . Giyuu had seen all of him and in all states. He had seen him happy, angry and content. He had seen him grunting in pain and moaning in pleasure. He had seen him neutral and enjoying himself. But heavens forbid seeing him feeling a bit weak.

But it was alright. Giyuu liked him just as he was. Grumpy and mean and incapable of leaning on anyone. But also loving and tender and so, so caring to the people he loved.

They brought each other closer in a tight embrace

They had very different ways of facing this disease, indeed.

But they could always deal with it together .

***

And some days were quite alright again. 

They were still them.

They were still together

Giyuu woke up a bit later than usual and quickly noticed that Sanemi was not lying next to him, which was odd. Sanemi never really got up before even if he woke up first. 

He dragged himself out of the room looking for him. 

Giyuu quickly found him in the kitchen, crouched on the floor by the pitfire, grilling something on a pan.

Giyuu let out a breath he did not even know he was holding and went to get down behind him, leaning his whole self onto his back.

“Oh, morning,” said Sanemi, bringing up a hand to pat the head on his shoulder.

“ Uhum , good morning,” Giyuu let his arm slide around Sanemi’s stomach and peeked over his shoulder at the pan, “you left bed early.”

His hand remained patting his head, “I got up feeling actually alive and went to the village to get some salmon for breakfast and lunch.”

“ Still , try to wake me next time.”

“Sorry, sorry. You seemed deep in sleep.”

Giyuu shifted his head to nuzzle at Sanemi’s neck, “it never stopped you from waking me before. With caresses and pecks even.”

Sanemi let out a “ pfft ” sound. He slowly turned towards Giyuu, who instead of crouching, simply let himself sit on the floor.

“That’s what you’re fussy about? You didn’t get your good morning kisses?”

Giyuu shrugged, “all I am saying is that all these years together are making you less devoted.”

Sanemi got even closer to Giyuu, settling on his knees between his legs. Bending down, he placed one kiss on his collarbone, a second one on his neck, and a last one under his chin. Then, he straightened up his back and looked at him with a slight side smile on his lips.

“Uhum… Few years ago, you would not have stopped at three.”

Chuckling, Sanemi went to place a kiss on each side of his cheeks and on each eyelid.

“We have been a family for so long, you treat me like a child now…,”

With a smirk, Sanemi placed a kiss on his forehead, another one on the tip of his nose, and a last, chaste, lingering kiss on his lips.

Giyuu pondered for a second and then gave him a look, “where did your passion go? I remember a time whe-”

His sentence was quickly cut off as Sanemi covered his lips with his own, playfully deepening the kiss as he reached to grab his kimono by the knot, attempting to open it.

“W-we are in the kitchen,”

But Sanemi ignored him completely as he plunged his head into his neck, “speaking as if we never did anything in this kitchen. Or the bathroom, or the porch, or that rock by the hill.”

He kept pushing him until Giyuu was flat on his back, with his kimono open at the front and Sanemi trailing kisses from his neck to his navel. 

With a smirk, the silver-haired man nibbled at his inner thigh and looked up at him.

“ So …You think I’m not passionate enough?” 

He placed a kiss on top of his little bite.

“I just said that lately, you have been less passion-... ah~”

Sanemi had dipped his head down between Giyuu’s legs making him quickly give up the struggle and simply let Sanemi show him how devoted and passionate he still was.

***

And then some days were the worst of all. 

The type that would rip open your chest and gnaw at your heart.

The type to be remembered for several lifetimes later. 

The first day of many others where they were not together anymore…

Neither of them had been feeling particularly good for the past few weeks, but Sanemi’s state had become awfully miserable. He could not walk around anymore, he could barely move his arms at all, and he spent most of his time lying on his back, mostly not even awake, just drifting off to and from sleep.

Giyuu assisted as best as he could. But sometimes, even he could not do much. 

That day was one of those. 

One of those days where he could only hold Sanemi close to his chest and rub his back to ease his coughs. After the tenth coughing fit, blood spurted from Sanemi’s lungs onto Giyuu’s kimono.

“ S-Sanemi ,” he mumbled, slightly pushing himself up to look at the trembling silver-haired man in his arms, “I will try to go to the village and get assistance from a doctor…”

“ No need ,” Sanemi’s voice was low and hoarse, “you won’t make it there in this state. Just stay with me. Hold me tight…”

Giyuu pondered over it for a second and sighed, dropping back down again. 

Sanemi was right. It had taken all of his strength to make them food and feed himself and his lover. He felt like his limbs had been bitten by a thousand poisonous snakes.

The silver-haired man was clutching onto his clothes with all his might. But slowly his grasp loosened. Worried, Giyuu lowered his head close to his face and, upon feeling the soft breath, sighed in relief. Sanemi had drifted to sleep again, so the dark-haired man allowed himself to close his eyes and get some rest too.

They clutched at each other through the night, tangled together.

Giyuu slowly opened his eyes and blinked twice to dissipate the drowsiness. It was still a bit too early. Or maybe a bit too late. He was not sure, but it seemed dark outside. 

Suddenly, he realized that he was holding a rather cold body. He snapped his head down.

“S-Sanemi?” he muttered cautiously, almost afraid even.

The silver-haired man’s response came a few seconds later, in a hoarse whisper, “ I’m here …”

Giyuu sighed in relief, and brought him a bit closer, “You are so cold, Sanemi.” He started rubbing at his back and arm in an attempt to warm him up. 

The cold had not yet quite set in and Sanemi was always warm. Always hot-blooded. It was bizarre to see him shivering.

“Giyuu…I’m sorry.”

Sanemi’s voice came out like a hoarse murmur. Almost like a breathless sound.

“Whatever for?”

“I won’t be able to keep my promise…”

“What promise are y-”

Giyuu fell silent, a cold shiver running down his back.

It could not be. 

Anything but that. 

“Y-you cannot . You said you would never leave. You cannot leave me alone.”

“I’m so sorry, Giyuu…”

“It’s…” he cleared his throat and then resumed rubbing at Sanemi’s back and arm, “it’s fine . Your body temperature will rise as I hold you close. Sleep for a bit. You will wake up better.”

“I’m afraid if I sleep, I will not wake up again…”

“D-don’t say that, Sanemi. Just close your eyes and sleep.”

Sanemi brought a hand to slightly push Giyuu away and looked up at him.

“ Giyuu …This might as well be our last conversation. Don’t tell me to sleep, please .”

“I…” he trailed off.

“ Look at me …” Tears had bubbled up in his glossy and tired eyes as he reasoned with Giyuu. 

But Giyuu could not. Giyuu could never. 

Because looking at him meant admitting. 

Admitting that he was right . That this was indeed their last conversation.

Ten years .

A decade worth of love and passion , of banter and fights , all crushing down and ending on a haphazardly day. 

“ Please …” He pleaded weakly, his voice breaking as a lump grew in his throat.

Giyuu would not. He stubbornly kept looking in front of him, biting his lips to keep himself from snapping.

Sanemi pursed his lips and placed a single gentle kiss on Giyuu’s chin.

“I want your eyes to be the last thing I ever see…Don’t rob me of that.”

That was too much. 

Giyuu snapped his head down. He could feel a lump in his dry throat and a squeeze in his heart.

Sanemi was looking at him with a faint smile on his lips and his dark eyes half open.

In that tired gaze, Giyuu could see the whole universe . 

In a split second, a vivid patchwork of memories flooded Giyuu’s mind. 

He could see the rocky beginnings, the jagged edges of their friendship, the clumsy attraction, the shared wounds and solace – they all unfurled like a vibrant tapestry. 

He saw Sanemi's hands, strong and gentle, holding him firmly. He felt the ghost of Sanemi's lips on his own. 

The past decade exploded in his consciousness in a kaleidoscope of shared moments. 

How could he navigate life without the familiar weight of Sanemi's presence? Without the morning ritual of tangled limbs and silver hair tickling his chin? Without the silent companionship at the table, or the comforting sight of Sanemi sprawled on the porch? How could he endure a world void of Sanemi’s snappy remarks, crude jokes and funny banter?

And why ?

Why did Sanemi make himself so indispensable to Giyuu, only to leave him behind? 

“I’m so sorry, Giyuu… ”

Giyuu could not contain the threatening tears bubbling in his eyes as they started rolling down his cheeks, “ S-stop saying that .”

Sanemi himself could not keep them in any longer. He wanted to be strong but at that moment, he simply could not. “I’m sorry for having to leave first, and I’m sorry that I’m not sad about it.”

Giyuu furrowed his eyebrows, slightly surprised.

“I wouldn’t bear seeing you go, Giyuu…I wouldn’t stand it. You’re far stronger than I am at heart. I can’t…You’re my friend, Giyuu, my life partner and my only family. I couldn’t see you go like this, I can’t… ”

He trailed off, choked by his own tears.

Giyuu sniffled, bringing Sanemi closer to him, squeezing him as hard as he could with that single arm, “You promised you would never leave me.”

“It’s only temporary,” he said with a firm nod to Giyuu’s chest. “We will meet again. I will find you, Giyuu. I will look for you. I will walk through the whole world to see your eyes again. I promised”

But Sanemi had already promised Giyuu that he would never leave him.

And yet he was leaving him as they were speaking…

How could he even believe that anymore?

Giyuu kept holding Sanemi. 

Somewhere through the night, the arms surrounding him had dropped limp. 

There was no more shaking, no more talking and no more tears streaming down Sanemi’s face as the once warm body that had held Giyuu firmly, solemnly, tenderly for ten years without ever wavering, turned completely frozen.

Sanemi would never hold him anymore because there was no more Sanemi.

Giyuu's heart ached with a sorrow that words could never capture. His chest felt like it was being crushed under an unbearable weight. Giyuu could barely breathe and could not move. But he didn’t let go of the cold body tucked in his arm. Just like Sanemi did not let him go for a decade. 

With tears streaming down his face,  Giyuu whispered to the lifeless form in his arms, his voice breaking, “I will wait for you, Sanemi. No matter how long it takes. I will wait…”

***

Sanemi was gone .

Giyuu did not have much will to live.

He never talked much.

He never smiled much.

Tomioka Giyuu knew peace for a long time.

A decade of peace.

Ten full years of tranquility and ease.

His years with Sanemi were probably the times he had been the happiest .

But the world was not a kind place. His lover was snatched from him by the clutch of the Demon Slayer's Mark.

Even though they had annihilated all demons, they still somehow managed to rob him of the most precious thing he had. 

With Sanemi gone, Giyuu had no specific goal and no family anymore.

Tomioka Giyuu wanted to die . And that was a horrendously sad thought.

Every day he thought of it. But he knew he owed survival to himself, to the thousands of fallen slayers, and to Sanemi .

Because he was waiting for him on the other side, Giyuu was not allowed to fumble their meeting and throw away the chances they had at being together again.

Tomioka Giyuu would wake up at dawn. He would offer incense to Sanemi’s altar. He would eat. He would bathe. He would send letters to reassure his friends that he was alright, that he was taking care of himself, that he was waiting.

Sometimes he slept. Often he could not.

He was waiting .

There was no other alternative for him.

Weeks later, Giyuu woke up feeling quite alright.

He went through all the steps he usually went through each day.

He offered up incense. He ate. He tidied up.

He felt a clutching in his heart and thought he could go out to breathe some fresh air.

Giyuu went to sit on the rock in front of the house. By the cliff.

The rock on which he had first kissed Sanemi.

The rock on which they had their marriage ceremony.

A rock that had witnessed them through their bickers and their laughs, their passions and their softest wafts.

It was odd.

When he first came to this house, Giyuu was on his own.

He had found the view so calming. The house so comfortable. The air so pure.

But now…

No matter how hard he tried.

No matter how much he tried to savor everything around him,

He simply could not.

The view only reminded him of all the times Sanemi and him had sat there and watched it together .

Every inch of the house reminded him of the times spent sleeping together , eating together , bathing together , training together .

Even the very air he breathed through his lungs held the smell of his silver-haired lover.

Giyuu could barely look at himself.

How could he look at his arm and not think of the silver locks that were laying there, tickling him?

How could he look at his face and not be reminded of the peppered kisses?

How could he look at his hair and not see the rough fingers roaming through it?

How could he look at any spot on himself and not think of the lover that had breathed on, kissed , and licked every nook and between each fold of his flesh ?

Sanemi was everywhere but not together with him. And it was killing him to think about it.

He had so greatly overestimated Giyuu because Giyuu could hardly breathe well now that he was gone.

A single, wild tear escaped his blue eye as he was looking into the distance.

He felt a shiver run down his back.

September's first day was unexpectedly cold. Giyuu should probably not stay out too long.

But he felt so weak.

He felt so sad. So faint.

Slowly , he let himself drop on his side, his gaze still fixated on the horizon. On the wind tenderly caressing the ocean .

He was tired. He was cold. He had the vague impression that the ground was shaking .

He was sleepy, so he closed his eyes.

A quick rest.

Nothing more.

“ Giyuu ,”

He heard his name being called in the distance.

“ Giyuu…You’re here… ”

He felt like the voice was familiar.

It was rough and coarse but somehow soft and gentle.

“ Wake up, Giyuu. Wake up and let me see my deep blue ocean. ”

But his eyes felt so heavy. He could not open them at all. 

He felt like he was floating and his mind was all fuzzy . 

What was he even doing before getting there? He could not remember at all.

Suddenly, he felt a warm hand drape over his forehead.

The rough, calloused fingers on his face felt so reassuring.

The voice seemed like a song to his ears.

“ Maybe the Gods love us more than we thought. I left before you, just like I wished for. And none of us had to see our little house blown up by a Great Shattering… ”

Giyuu felt like he was being embraced. As if strong arms had surrounded him.

“ People are waiting for you .”

But Giyuu did not want to see any people. He wanted to continue floating.

He did not know where that voice was coming from or to whom it belonged but he wanted to  listen to that gruff voice forever. 

It was calming. It was reassuring.

It felt like home .

“...I want to stay with you.”

Even his own voice seemed hollow. As if he had been talking in a completely void space.

“ Uhum…But you should go see your friends and family first. We can be together later. ”

But Giyuu was not willing. This person was reassuring to his heart. 

This person was his safe haven. 

“When is that?”

“ I don’t know…But I will find you. ”

Giyuu was still uncertain, “Do you promise to find me?”

Promises should not be broken. 

He could not quite remember why, his mind was very foggy, but Giyuu did not like empty promises and he did not like being left alone to wait. 

“ I promise. ”

He hesitated, “You will not break your promise?” 

Giyuu heard a chuckle. 

It was so pleasant. He wanted to hear it again. 

“ Nah. Don’t worry. I will knock on each door, village by village to find you. ”

But Giyuu was not convinced. 

“Ah…But what if you are not a real person. What if you are a tree or some object…A chair. A very mean pet.”

The voice couldn’t help but let out another chuckling sound.

“ Then I will be a fruit tree and feed you. I will be a strong chair for you to sit on. I will be a mean pet who will guard you. ”

“What if I am lost ?”

“ Then you will be found . I am very good at finding my deep blue ocean. ” 

Giyuu had no idea what the voice was talking about but it felt so sincere. He knew deep down that he could trust it. 

Convinced, Giyuu gave a firm nod.

“Alright then. I will wait.”

Suddenly, Giyuu could feel himself being pulled and he instantly regretted agreeing to part with that voice.

It was so calming. 

So inviting. 

So reassuring. 

He hoped so hard that it would not break its promise. 

That they would meet again.

That voice was home . Giyuu was sure of it.

That voice was his safe haven .

***

With a gasp, Sanemi sprang up into a sitting position, his breath ragged and shallow. Instinctively, his hands flew to his head, clutching it as a sharp, unbearable pain throbbed inside his skull. The world around him spun, and with a groan, he tumbled from his bed, landing heavily on the cold floor. His fingers still gripping his temples, he frantically scanned his surroundings.

It was his room, the same one he had fallen asleep in the night before —he recognized everything: his desk piled with exam materials, his neatly folded school uniform, the familiar noise of his siblings shouting in the hallway. 

Yet , something was off , as if the very air in the room had shifted, making everything feel out of place. 

His heart pounded wildly in his chest, each beat slamming against his ribcage, threatening to burst free.

Suddenly , a memory struck him, sending a jolt of realization through his body. 

Slowly, almost fearfully , he pulled his hands away from his head and stretched them out in front of him. 

“ Heh , ” he gasped, his breath hitching in his throat. 

His eyes widened as he wiggled all ten of his fingers . 

Chapter Text

Tomioka Giyuu never quite felt like himself in the world.

He had been good at school. He was good at sports, especially the sparring sort. He was close with his family; his sister and nephew. He had few acquaintances and practically no friends. 

He was not very social by nature. 

Giyuu had alway felt socially awkward. He felt like he often said the wrong things and was misunderstood even though most of the time, he really was just being straightforward with people. 

If someone were to tell him that their dog died, he would say “ that is sad. Have you thought about getting another one? ” a straightforward comment that earned him judgmental stares, making people think he was callous. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t care; he just couldn’t express it the way others seemed to expect.

Giyuu often wished for deeper connections but everyone thought him too bizarre for that. 

It was quite sad. 

He had no specific goal and no big dreams either. 

He always felt a vague emptiness in his heart. 

Perhaps it was a universal feeling that adults rarely talked about. That emptiness in the heart, as if you were waiting for something to happen even though you were not really expecting anything.

Or perhaps that was just what the human psyche did to not make you mad with boredom…

He liked writing.

He had written some non-fiction essays and articles, but it didn’t pay the bills and he had to work part time.  

That was until a great aunt he never even knew died and left a traditional Japanese estate meant for long-term and vacation rentals on an Okinawa island.  

His sister couldn’t really leave her family and fly there to manage it nor force everyone out of Tokyo, so that was how Tomioka Giyuu found himself managing the family’s estate. 

Which was not that bad. 

Giyuu had always wanted to drift through life like an algae floating in the ocean, and now he lived on an island surrounded by it.

He liked the ocean—its vastness both frightened and mesmerized him. 

His only issue was that he already felt lonely before, even when surrounded by his few acquaintances, now, he felt completely estranged from the world. 

Deep down, he wondered if something extraordinary was waiting to happen on this quiet stretch of land populated mostly by elderly locals, other rental owners, and tourists. 

He was yet to see it though. 

All he did all day was manage the estate and its visitors, do his hardest so they did not leave comments like “ the place was good but the tenant was weird and awkward ”, which by the way, was eighty percent of all comments, sit on a bench by the ocean, sip tea and write. 

Life was a bit boring and a bit lonely. Giyuu hoped for some excitement. 

But it was fine overall, it could have been worse.

***

Giyuu had been sitting cross legged on the tatami, sipping his tea in his favorite tea house a few miles away from his estate. 

He could hear a loud ruckus at the entrance, but he paid it no mind. 

Tourists sometimes were awfully loud.

Giyuu had his head casted down on his notebook trying to piece together an article for a commissioned journal. 

He heard coughing from the table next to him but paid it no mind, busy trying to meet his deadlines.

The coughing got louder. Someone was clearing their throat. 

People were sure getting sick lately with all the coughing. Giyuu was rarely sick so he kept minding his business. 

The throat clearing got so loud, Giyuu snapped down his pen on his notebook and whipped his head towards what he gathered to be the only person in the teashop besides him. 

Curiously, the man was looking very intently at him. 

Giyuu raised up an eyebrow. 

Perhaps it was just one of those awkward occasions when you get caught looking at someone even though you were just lost in thoughts. 

He shrugged, and brought his head back down.

“W-what are you doing?” 

Giyuu brought his head back up at the man, giving him a confused stare. 

The weird looking silver haired guy seemed to be nervous. He could see him sweating buckets and rubbing his hands together anxiously. 

Perhaps he was a tourist from a very small village where engaging in conversation with strangers was not seen as bizarre.

Giyuu instantly felt a headache invade his skull. 

He brought a hand to rub at his aching temples and answered simply, “writing.”

Then went back to his business.

“What are you writing?” 

Giyuu did not bother raising his head this time.

“Work.”

He hoped that would do and went back to thinking how to make the article-

“What is it about?”

Alright. The man was being annoying.

Giyuu looked up, only to find him again looking intently at him. 

He could not even believe people thought he looked absent minded and avoided their gazes when there were people out there looking fixedly into your soul through your eyes and no one told them they were weird. 

Did the man even blink? 

And the migraine was only getting stronger. He could almost feel a whistling sound in his ears. 

Giyuu took the time to look at him more closely this time.

Judging by his attire, he was indeed some sort of traveler. 

He was wearing hiking clothes; cargo pants and a tight black shirt in this heat and humidity. 

He also had a very large backpack so maybe he was bivouacking around or something. 

Uhum …Giyuu thought the man looked a little bit out of it.

As if he were scared, or surprised…

“ Erm ..An article about life on the island.” 

Was that enough for the man? 

Giyuu wanted to get back to his writing but the silver haired individual kept holding his gaze, which was starting to get a bit distressing. 

Giyuu really wanted to look away but he was somehow a bit scared to do so.

The man seemed like he wanted something, he almost looked in distress. 

“ Erm …,” said Giyuu very but confused by the intense staring contest. 

Maybe Giyuu had something on his face and the man didn’t dare to say. 

“I.. Erm ..I-I’m a traveler.” 

Answered the silver haired man to a question Giyuu did not ask.

“My name is Shinazugawa Sanemi.”

Ugh . 

The pang in Giyuu’s head was so painful, he winced slightly. 

What was with this man giving information that Giyuu never demanded.

“ Er …My name is Tomioka. Tomioka Giyuu,” he found himself saying.

“ Oh .” 

And then he went on to look incredulous. Like something amazing had just happened.

What if he was a fan of non-fiction articles and somehow knew him?

But Giyuu was not specifically well known and he wrote under a pseudonym. 

Or maybe Shinazugawa simply wanted to make conversation. If he was a backpacker, it meant he spent a lot of time alone in the mountains.

Perhaps the man was just lonely. 

Perhaps this was how forming friendship outside of school or work was done. 

Giyuu would not know…

The dark haired man simply continued holding the staring contest. Then, Shinazugawa suddenly snapped out of his trance. 

“I just arrived on this island.” 

Again, it was an answer to a question that Giyuu did not ask. 

The staring got a bit overwhelming, so Giyuu brought his cup of tea to take a sip, in an attempt to seem cool and level headed. 

Well, if this was how adult friendship worked, Giyuu could attempt it as well. 

“Will you remain here for a while?” He found himself asking. 

“ Forever .” 

Giyuu raised up an eyebrow. 

Quite the bold statement. He did not even visit the place yet. 

It seemed like he understood the oddness of his retort, so he cleared his throat.

“I’m planning on staying around for a while. I like it here.”

He curled his head to the side, “have you visited?” 

“No. But I found what I was looking for.” 

“Oh. What is that?” He thought maybe it was rude to ask but the silver haired man was the first one to start talking to a complete stranger so let him bear the consequences of his awkwardness. 

“The ocean.” 

No, the man was definitely bizarre.

And this one was coming from Giyuu . 

“Japan is surrounded by the ocean…,” he pointed out, giving him a look.

“Yes, but…I was looking for a specific ocean.” 

The sea was very beautiful around for sure. But Giyuu was not sure he would have troubled himself just to see it. 

Perhaps he was a sea explorer and wanted to see some box jellyfish or sea snakes. 

“I have blue-yellow colorblindness. I can’t really see deep blue except for the specific shade of blue of the ocean here.” 

Giyuu nodded. 

He felt like the sea in Okinawa was more turquoise than deep blue but he did not have it in him to tell a color blind man that the color he was seeing was not really the one it was.

Who was he to say that anyway. For all he knew, maybe Giyuu was the color-blind one.

But it was interesting that the silver-haired man was looking around Japan to find a shade of blue.

Almost poetic .

It was a good story to tell.

Instantly, Giyuu grabbed his pen and notebook and brought his gaze to the man.

“Since when have you been looking?” 

Shinazugawa lifted a questioning eyebrow, then gave a small smile.

“Am I being interviewed?”  

“ Oh , no…I collect stories sometimes…,” embarrassed, he set down his gear, “you do not have to tell me anything, sir.” 

He shook his head, “it’s fine. It became my goal about ten years ago I think,” he started, answering Giyuu’s question and reaching for his cup of tea, “woke up one morning and somehow remembered how deep of a blue the ocean was.”

“Did you start your trip then?” 

He shrugged, “I would have loved to if school, exams and taxes were not an actual modern day thing.”

Giyuu raised up an eyebrow but did not comment.

“I took part time jobs, took care of my siblings the best I could, finished school and started working right away. Turns out, saving up for your goal, taking care of kids and doing modern taxes at the same time takes a while.” 

Giyuu thought that Shinazugawa talked a lot about taxes. As if he had just discovered it were a thing. 

Truth be told, taxes also surprised Giyuu once he became independent.

But not as much as the price of laundry detergent and sesame oil. 

“So…,” started Giyuu clearing his throat, “would you say you have attained your dream?”

“Nope. I got to stay around and find out.”

“Find out what?” 

If the ocean was really deep blue?

Oh, Gods …

Giyuu hoped no one would tell him. It would be too sad.

Shinazugawa shrugged again, “I don’t want to just see it, I want to live with it forever.”

Giyuu finally set aside his notes and pen and gave a serious look to the silver haired man.

“I think you are very odd.” 

The man looked at him fixedly for a short while and then puffed out a laugh.

“You’re still very direct.”

Still ? 

“I am often told that…”

If even this bizarre man found Giyuu bizarre then he truly was a lost case. 

“I started my trip about five years ago, mostly walking or riding public transportation. Sometimes hitchhiking. I mostly sleep in my tent,” he gestured towards the huge bag, “I treat myself to a nice onsen sometimes. It’s fun. Nothing odd about it.”

It seems very lonely , thought Giyuu but who was he to say that? He barely had any friends at all and everybody seemed to dislike him.

The man crossed his arms and furrowed his eyebrows, “do you know how lonely it is to not be able to see the deep blue of the ocean?”

He did not.

And he also did know any color blind person. 

But it did seem sad.

“I apologize for saying you are odd, Shinazugawa.”

He slightly bent his head. 

Who was he to call people’s dreams bizarre?

Giyuu did not even have a goal. 

The conversation had drained Giyuu of his quota of social energy until the next week at least. 

“ Erm …I have got to go.” 

He said, starting to stand up.

Curiously, Shinazugawa also stood up rather abruptly, knocking over his, fortunately, empty cup on the floor. 

“You live here, right?” 

Giyuu noticed that the look of panic was back on his features.

“ Erm …Indeed. Goodbye then,” he said, heading towards the door with a nod. 

“See you next time.” 

Right. If the man was planning on staying a bit, they might meet again. 

He internally hoped to never see him again. Mainly because he was giving him migraines for some reason but also because he was bizarre.

Tomioka Giyuu was never a very lucky guy and he never got what he wished for.

About two weeks later, Shinazugawa Sanemi was in front of his doorstep, rental documents in hand and a very large smile on his lips. 

He was secretly grateful that the estate was big enough not to meet tenants from different compounds because, quite honestly, he thought that Shinazugawa Sanemi was a very weird guy.

***

Shinazugawa Sanemi was not a weird guy at all . 

He was actually a very useful guy to have around.

Sanemi was fun to be around. He joked a lot and never got mad at Giyuu nor called him weird. Or at least, not in a mean way—more so in a teasing one.

He worked part-time as a security guard at a hotel nearby (which, on the island, meant doing absolutely nothing at all since the worst thing that could happen would be someone nicking a plant from the reception). But he was big and scary, so he was perfect for the position. 

He also worked from home. Something about silent cooking and baking content creation. 

Which, truly , was out of pocket. 

But part of Giyuu found it a little bit cute. That such a big and brash looking guy was out there making panda-shaped muffins.

When Sanemi was doing neither, he was assisting around the house, which really was not part of his lease.

“I like being useful,” he had declared boldly.

And so, in the few weeks he had been there, he had fixed the front door, replaced the lightbulbs in two rooms, watered the plants, and so on.  

It’s not that Giyuu was lazy, but whenever he would even get around to doing stuff, he would find that Sanemi had already done them.

But the more time Giyuu spent with him the more painful the panging in his head got. 

He hoped he had not caught some sort of disease…

One morning, Giyuu woke up to the smell of pancakes wafting through the house. He stumbled into the kitchen, still half-asleep, to find Sanemi flipping pancakes with an ease that made Giyuu’s own attempts at cooking seem pitiful.

“Morning,” Sanemi greeted without looking up from the pan.

Giyuu mumbled a sleepy “morning” back, sliding into a chair at the table. He was met with a neatly organized breakfast setup—plates, cutlery, syrup, and a small bowl of freshly cut fruit.

“Are you going to do this every morning?” Giyuu asked, genuinely curious.

“Only when I’m in the mood,” Sanemi replied with a grin, placing a stack of pancakes in front of him. “Figured you could use a good start to the day.”

Giyuu blinked at the plate in front of him, feeling a strange warmth spread through his chest. “Thank you, Sanemi.”

The silver-haired man turned towards him with a wide smile on his lips, “you’re calling me by my name.” 

Did he? 

It was not done on purpose. But they had spent so much time together, it seemed weird to address him too formally. 

That smile brought the migraine back. But not without a slight shake of his hands and a quickening of his heartbeat.

It was definitely the coffee.

Later that day, Giyuu found Sanemi in the backyard, fixing a loose board on the fence. He watched from the window for a moment, marveling at how effortlessly Sanemi seemed to take on every task. When he finally stepped outside, Sanemi looked up, wiping sweat from his brow.

“I should be doing that,” Giyuu said, for what felt like the hundredth time.

Sanemi just laughed. “I don’t mind.”

Giyuu sighed but couldn’t help the small smile tugging at his lips. “You are going to make me lazy and then I will not know how to function when you are not around.”

“Maybe that’s my plan,” Sanemi shot back with a smirk. “Make you so lazy you’ll have to keep me around.”

Giyuu rolled his eyes, but there was no denying that the thought of Sanemi sticking around made him slightly giddy.

Giyuu couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of contentment.
The house felt warmer, more lived-in, with Sanemi there. It was a feeling Giyuu wasn’t used to, but he found he didn’t mind it.

Sanemi was a good guy, and Giyuu was glad he’d stumbled into his life.

Even if it meant turning a bit lazy and getting migraines all the time. 

***

Sanemi was growing on Giyuu.

He was overly friendly with him, despite being very much like a mean dog to everyone else. But, he was a good friend. It was odd how Giyuu never quite had close friends, and then somehow this guy dropped from the sky and was so easy to get along with.

They fell into an unspoken habit. Sanemi’s afternoon shifts ended coincidently with Giyuu’s daily leisure walk. They often reached the village’s center at the same time and walked home together. 

It was just a coincidence. Really.

But, Sanemi’s morning shifts did not coincide with anything. So, Giyuu decided to have his daily leisure walk at that time on those days. Giyuu simply got used to the company during his walks. 

That was all there was to it.

On Sanemi’s night shifts, Giyuu would coincidentally take his daily leisure walk at night, right when the silver-haired man left the house, so they often walked together. 

Giyuu often felt very tired after it and slept early. It only made sense that he would wake up at the crack of dawn, right when Sanemi would appear on the doorstep.

It was just a habit. Nothing much to it.

“You have a bag,” remarked Giyuu as soon as Sanemi got close enough at the village center.

Sanemi wiggled his bag around. “There was a reception at the hotel. They handed out a lot of leftovers,” he stood in front of Giyuu and gave him a slight smile. “Hi.”

Giyuu suddenly felt compelled to take a step back. Sanemi was not even that much in his personal space or anything. There was a good foot between them, but it still made him feel uneasy for some reason. Like a vague feeling of panic and discomfort. Which was odd. Giyuu really enjoyed Sanemi’s company.

He simply nodded his greeting, afraid he would fumble his words. Maybe he had drunk too much coffee. It often made his heartbeat go mayhem.

They started walking in comfortable silence.

“There is no reservation coming up this weekend, huh ?” Sanemi was looking straight ahead and asked that rather off-handedly.

Giyuu shrugged. “There is none.”

Sanemi furrowed his eyebrows. “And you are alright with your deadlines, yes?”

“Indeed. What for?”

But Sanemi did not answer and simply continued walking, looking very uninterested.

“Have you ever been on a movie date?”

Giyuu tilted his head to the side. He did not really understand what he was getting at.

“I probably went on one or two movie dates...” mumbled Giyuu, feeling somehow embarrassed by the question. His dating background was not very interesting. Sanemi seemed reliable, cool, and experienced. Giyuu felt a bit self-conscious admitting how little he had dated in front of him.

For some reason, Sanemi stopped dead in his tracks.

Giyuu turned to look back at him, only to find the silver-haired man already fixing him with a strange expression. He could not read it at all. Sanemi seemed both taken aback and hurt. But it only lasted for a brief second before he shook his head slightly and resumed his walk.

It was bizarre. Maybe he was surprised that Giyuu had only gone on two of those at his big age. Giyuu felt even more embarrassed. He should have lied and said three or four.

What was so great about those anyway? Giyuu was not a fan of modern films. Cinemas always gave him a headache with the loud sounds, music, and voices. And the people always talked and chewed too loudly. A sensory nightmare .

“Well, I have never been to one,” said Sanemi as he passed by Giyuu, quickening his steps for some reason, “how about you go with me this weekend? I’m better company than your lame-ass one or two movie dates.”

Huh .

Sanemi wanted to go to the movies with him?

Scratch what he said earlier. Cinemas were fire, and they could always shush the people who talked or pick an unpopular movie.

Pretty much anything with Sanemi was fire, actually.

“ Oh , sure.”

Giyuu’s heart skipped a beat. His pulse quickened, like a wave of warmth spreading through his chest and settling in his stomach. It was a strange, thrilling sensation—unfamiliar yet not unpleasant. He wasn’t sure if it was excitement, anxiety, or something else entirely.

Whatever it was, it left him feeling oddly lightheaded.

Giyuu was definitely drinking way too much coffee.

Otherwise, why was his heart beating so loud he could feel it in the back of his mouth?

***

Sanemi confused Giyuu so much…

Sanemi and Giyuu sat side by side on a wooden bench by the sea, nibbling on onigiri as they watched the sun dip beneath the horizon, its golden hues reflecting across the water. The soft sounds of waves crashing against the shore filled the silence between them.

Suddenly, Sanemi chuckled, gesturing subtly with his eyes towards a couple standing on the rocks ahead. A man was kneeling before a woman, proposing, while the waves lapped around them.

Giyuu let out a small smile as they both watched. Though they couldn’t hear the exchange of words, the couple’s loud “ I love you ” echoed as they leapt into each other’s arms, full of joy.

Giyuu was about to ask Sanemi to hand him the bottle of tea when he noticed the conflicted expression etched on Sanemi’s face. His brows furrowed as he scrutinized the couple. Giyuu tilted his head in silent question.

Sanemi handed him the tea bottle with a shrug. “It seems so easy nowadays to throw words like that.”

Giyuu glanced at him with a questioning look.

Sanemi huffed, his eyes still locked on the couple. 

“If they’re getting married, I would not call that easy,” Giyuu replied in his usual flat tone.

Sanemi waved a hand dismissively. “I know couples who stayed married for years and never once said it.”

Giyuu considered that for a moment. “Maybe it was an arranged marriage, and they barely enjoyed each other’s company.”

Sanemi let out a laugh in a breath, a sound that always sent an odd churn down Giyuu’s stomach. Sometimes, it even gave him headaches. He couldn't explain it—Sanemi just had that effect on him. Maybe it was because he had never had anyone this close.

“Nah," Sanemi mused, leaning back and staring at the sky. "They loved each other until their last breath.”

“Oh...” Giyuu blinked. He hadn’t expected Sanemi to be talking about an old couple. 

Unsure how to respond, he stayed silent as Sanemi let his arms rest lazily across the bench, one arm nearly brushing Giyuu’s shoulder.

“When I think about it now, it was important. Even if they both knew it. But one of them was an idiot, and the other too stubborn—or maybe they were both stubborn idiots...” Sanemi trailed off.

Giyuu couldn’t focus on what Sanemi was saying anymore. His thoughts drifted to the arm that was almost on his shoulder. He let his eyes wander up all of Sanemi’s firm arm to settle on his shoulder bone.

Sanemi’s shoulders... They looked strong. Sturdy. He found himself nodding in quiet appreciation of their firmness.

Suddenly, Sanemi’s gaze snapped to Giyuu, catching him off guard. Giyuu’s heart leapt, and he quickly shifted his eyes from Sanemi’s shoulders to his face.

“If it were me," Sanemi said, locking eyes with him, "I’d say ‘ I love you ’ every chance I got. Just to make sure it’s clear enough.”

Giyuu’s heart pounded, his migraine returning with a vengeance—or maybe it was his own heartbeat thumping in his head. He couldn’t tell.

But Sanemi was looking so intensely at his eyes, that it almost seemed that the declaration was meant for him . 

“ Erm ...,” Giyuu sputtered, nearly choking on his words, “very good boyfriend... Erm , nice shoulders.”

Sanemi raised an eyebrow, clearly confused. “What?”

“ What… ” Giyuu repeated weakly. What had he even said?

He quickly pressed a hand to his temple, embarrassed. “Sorry, a migraine…,” he gestured vaguely towards his head, “I meant to say you must be a good boyfriend if you are willing to say that so often.”

Sanemi nodded slowly, a grin tugging at his lips. Then, with a teasing glint in his eyes, he asked, “What was that about shoulders?”

Giyuu inwardly groaned. He had really said that, hadn’t he?

“ Uh ... your shoulders seem… Ugh , comfortable?” Giyuu could feel the heat rushing to his face.

Sanemi smirked, leaning in slightly. “ Really ? You should check it more closely, then.”

Before Giyuu could react, Sanemi’s hand was on the back of his head, guiding him down until his cheek rested on Sanemi’s shoulder. He could feel the warmth of his body through the fabric of his shirt, and his face flushed even deeper.

“S-Sanemi, this is not funny…” Giyuu protested, squirming slightly.

“It’s hilarious to me,” Sanemi retorted, clearly amused.

Giyuu’s heart raced so loudly, he was sure Sanemi could hear it. But as he laid there, another sound caught his attention—a rapid thumping from Sanemi’s chest, even louder and quicker than his own heartbeat. He glanced at Sanemi’s chest, where the tight green shirt revealed his pounding heart. It was almost as if his heart might burst from his ribcage at any moment.

And then, Giyuu noticed the trembling hand that held his head in place. Sanemi’s palm was moist, shaking uncontrollably. 

Perhaps Sanemi had caught whatever was giving Giyuu migraines.

Suddenly, Sanemi gently pushed him away, standing up abruptly with an awkward smile. “We should go.”

Giyuu nodded, rising to his feet. But as they left the bench, he could not help but think about one thing: Sanemi’s shoulders were, indeed , very comfortable.

***

Sanemi was mesmerizing . 

Giyuu’s eyes were always somehow glued to him. It was uncontrollable. His eyes had to drift towards him. Even if it were for a second.

Giyuu was sprawled on the porch of the garden, trying to piece his thoughts together. Sanemi had been watering the plants with a hose in front of him. With his top off, too. He was always going around half-naked.

It was an incredibly hot and humid summer day. From the corner of his eye, Giyuu shifted his gaze toward his housemate. 

Sanemi had such a strong and broad back. 

Giyuu was observing him. Strictly for the sake of interest in anatomy. For future literary description.

Obviously.

He could not take his eyes off of Sanemi’s contracting muscles. With every movement, his forearms tightened as his biceps stretched. He could see his firm back muscles tensing up and then loosening. Very eye-catching. From a physiological perspective, of course.

“Is tap water from the garden alright in here?”

“ Huh ?” Giyuu’s gaze was still fixated on his back, but he quickly brought it up to his face. “ Erm , yes. It’s the same as inside.”

Giyuu felt a bit embarrassed, as if he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have. But there was nothing to be embarrassed about—just anatomical observations.

The silver-haired man didn’t seem to think much of it anyway. He simply nodded and brought the hose up to his face.
He opened his mouth and let water drop down his throat from above. A lot of it spilled out of his lips and ran down his torso.

Giyuu could see Sanemi’s Adam’s apple go up and down his throat. His gaze followed the spilling water all the way down his pectoral muscles and then further down his abs. The water had even been sneaking into his dark shorts.

Giyuu swallowed hard. What a great physiological constitution indeed.

Sanemi’s gaze suddenly locked with his, and the dark-haired man instantly drifted his eyes toward the wooden ceiling.

The silver-haired man cocked an eyebrow. “Are you thirsty, too?” He started walking in Giyuu’s direction, hose in hand, still dripping water.

“ Huh ?” Giyuu snapped his head back toward him and instantly felt heat rise to his face, overheating his brain.

Sanemi was walking toward him, with all his tight muscles, abs, dripping water, and shining wet skin.

He could feel both his heart beating loudly in his chest and the intense headache come back to thump at his brain.

“Yes...” he heard himself mumble. But Giyuu wasn’t really thirsty. He was just confused, embarrassed, and very fixated on body muscles.

Reaching him, Sanemi stretched out his free hand for Giyuu to take, which he did instinctively.
Sanemi didn’t even pull him—he was simply holding his hand as Giyuu shifted into a sitting position, letting his feet dangle over the engawa. 

Sanemi dropped his hand and bent down toward him, laying his hand flat on the surface next to Giyuu to steady himself, hovering over him.

“Open up, Giyuu.”

He was way too close. Giyuu could feel a shiver run down his back. But the demanding yet tender tone Sanemi used made it impossible for him not to obey.

Giyuu parted his lips, and Sanemi slowly tipped the hose toward his mouth. The cool water flowed in, spilling slightly from the corners of his mouth and trickling down his neck, soaking into his shirt and trailing down his chest. Their eyes stayed locked on each other, an unspoken tension hanging between them. Giyuu drank, his throat working to swallow the water, feeling every drop that slipped past his lips.

Sanemi’s gaze was locked into Giyuu’s blue eyes. He seemed almost entranced, watching the water spill from Giyuu’s lips and glide over his skin. He could see him swallow hard , several times. As if he were parched in a desert, out of water. 

After what felt like an eternity, Sanemi pulled the hose away. He swallowed audibly one last time as his expression softened into a sheepish smile. Without a word, he reached out and gently rubbed at Giyuu’s wet lips with his thumb, wiping away the excess water.

Then, just as quickly as it had happened, Sanemi straightened up, turned away, and went back to the garden, leaving Giyuu sitting there, heart pounding in his chest. He watched as Sanemi’s broad back retreated, muscles flexing with each movement, still dripping wet from the hose.

Giyuu could feel the lingering sensation of Sanemi’s touch on his mouth and also the strange but intense need for Sanemi’s thumb to rub at his lips again.

He blamed the migraine for all these strange sensations.

***

Sanemi was close.

But Giyuu wanted him even closer . 

Giyuu was wrapping some gifts to send over to his sister for her birthday. He wasn’t very good with gifts, especially since his sister was one of those people who would be delighted by a rock as a gift. 

So, he bought a selection of things he thought she would like: a nice scarf, a warm cardigan, some hair ornaments. He also picked up a game for his nephew’s console. Giichi always seemed to think Giyuu was Santa Claus, raising an eyebrow whenever Giyuu didn’t bring something for him.

“What are you up to?” Sanemi's voice suddenly interrupted, his head hovering just over Giyuu’s shoulder.

Giyuu’s breath hitched immediately. Whenever Sanemi was near, his heart raced, and an overwhelming urge to either run or hide crept in—yet he craved the proximity all the same. 

“Erm... Gift wrapping, for my sister,” he muttered, praying his voice didn’t sound as shaky as he felt. His hands had frozen in place, the half-wrapped scarf laying untouched as Sanemi leaned in closer, inspecting the assortment of gifts scattered on the table.

Sanemi’s eyes landed on a frilly hair ornament, and without warning, he reached out to grab it, lifting it for a closer look.
He puffed out a small laugh, the warmth of his breath brushing against the side of Giyuu's neck, sending shivers down his spine.

Was Sanemi laughing at the design? Or did he like it? He did have younger sisters, after all. Maybe he was getting some gift ideas.

Then, Sanemi let out a long, drawn-out sigh, placing the ornament back on the table with slow, deliberate movements, straightening his posture. Giyuu didn’t dare move or speak, not until the words slipped out before he could stop them.

“You can have it if you like it,” Giyuu blurted out, as he turned to the side of the chair, then instantly regretting the offer. 

Why would Sanemi want something like that ? It was stupid . He was stupid.

“I want it,” Sanemi responded, his voice low and raspy, a small smirk playing on his lips. 

Giyuu could feel his heart racing even faster. 

Sanemi stepped forward, now standing directly in front of him, and then he crouched down, placing his hands on Giyuu’s knees, his sharp eyes looking up with a glint in them. He had a look of melancholy. As if this hair ornaments was something he had wanted his whole life.
But somehow, it was not the hair tie he was looking with yearning eyes, it was Giyuu. His dark eyes were locked on his with an absolute want, thirst, crave in them. 

The sharp migraine struck Giyuu’s head like a hammer.

“I want it,” he repeated, the intensity in his voice making Giyuu's breath falter once again.

His heartbeat thundered in his chest, almost painfully, as he hesitantly reached for the hair ornament. His hands were trembling, but he slowly raised the frilly ornament and carefully placed it in Sanemi’s wild silver hair. His fingers lingered there, tangling gently in the soft strands, and for a moment, he couldn’t resist the urge to let his hand roam through Sanemi’s locks, savoring the comforting sensation.

Then, with trembling restraint, Giyuu lowered his hand, resting it lightly on Sanemi’s cheek. His touch was hesitant but tender. Sanemi closed his eyes, leaning into the warmth of Giyuu’s palm then letting his head gently drop onto Giyuu’s knee, a small sigh escaping him.

Giyuu's head pounded with the same painful headache that always accompanied moments of overwhelming tension, but beneath that was a warmth, spreading slowly in his chest and pooling deep in his gut.

Part of him wished he could stay like this, just a little longer, with Sanemi so close and the world so quiet around them.

***

“I have a blind date,” said Giyuu simply, as he dried off some dishes and placed them carefully in the cupboards.

Sanemi sat across the kitchen at the table, casually scrolling through his phone with one hand while holding a cup of tea with the other.

For some reason, Giyuu felt strange saying it. 

Why did he even feel compelled to bring it up? He couldn’t understand it. But it felt bizarre not to bring it up. 

The old fruit seller had been ambushing him all week, eagerly talking about her granddaughter who was coming for a visit, practically pleading with him to meet her. She went on and on about how wonderful it would be if Giyuu took the time to get to know her.

Naturally, he had refused. Repeatedly.

But that old woman was nothing if not persistent. Giyuu, on the other hand, wasn’t exactly known for his strong resolve and had pretty much run out of excuses. She had seen through all of them—there were no bookings at the inn, she knew he wasn’t seeing anyone, and his vague replies only fueled her determination.

So, he figured he’d just go. Be himself. Let his natural awkwardness drive the poor girl away, and that would be that.

But then, there was Sanemi.

And Giyuu couldn’t explain why his mind and heart seemed to tie Sanemi into the equation. The thought was quite unsettling.

So, after dinner, he decided to declare it lightly, just a casual remark between friends. But as soon as the words left his mouth, Giyuu regretted them, a strange heaviness settling in his chest as if he had crossed a line he shouldn't have.

The soft sound of Sanemi’s thumb pausing mid-scroll on his phone reached his ears, breaking the tense silence.

“Erm… the old woman who runs the fruit stall wants me to meet her granddaughter. I have tried to refuse,” Giyuu said, keeping his back to Sanemi, but he could feel the weight of his gaze on him, sharp and intense. A strange chill crawled up his spine. “I do not even really want to go. I will just be awkward and weird… She will get scared off anyway.”

The air felt different. Sanemi seemed agitated, though Giyuu couldn’t see his face. There was a tension, a barely concealed frustration.

Giyuu hesitated, feeling an odd pang of guilt that he couldn’t quite place. The guilt gnawed at him, a heavy weight that threatened to crush him. 

He remained silent, not sure what to add. 

Sanemi sighed, his gaze dropping back to his phone for a moment before he muttered, “I guess it had to come to this someday…”

There was a shuffle, and Giyuu turned slightly, catching Sanemi standing up to approach him.

His movements were sharp, deliberate, as if he had made up his mind about something. He stood before the table, looking rather pointedly at Giyuu.

He did not say anything. He simply stood there, looking at Giyuu. 

He seemed both hurt and a bit mad. 

Before Giyuu could think of what to say, Sanemi turned away, his steps abrupt and forceful as he made his way toward his room. 

Giyuu’s voice came out before he could stop it, a sense of urgency gnawing at him. 

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know,” Sanemi said without turning back. His voice was a strange mix of bitterness and something raw. “Maybe cry and roll on my futon.”

Giyuu blinked, unsure if Sanemi was joking. 

The tone was serious—almost too serious, leaving him standing there, uncertain and unsettled.

As Giyuu stood there, watching Sanemi disappear down the hallway, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had done something bad. Something terrible.

He felt incredibly guilty.

If Sanemi did not want him to go, Giyuu would definitely not.

He would rather anger an old lady and her granddaughter than be at odds with Sanemi. 

He was his closest friend.

Or whatever they had going on. 

Something between them had shifted lately and Giyuu was not sure it was only friendship anymore. 

Was that possible?

Perhaps Giyuu was just being extremely egocentric…

***

Sanemi had wandered off to his room after the whole blind date conversation, clearly irritated. 

Giyuu hesitated before knocking on his door late at night, but no response came. 

As he laid in his futon, staring blankly at the ceiling, he heard the distant sound of footsteps, followed by the soft creak of the entrance door opening and closing. 

Perhaps Sanemi had gone for a night walk up the hill, as he often did. Or maybe he was still upset about the blind date.

But why would he be mad? And why did Giyuu even care ?

Whenever he thought too much about Sanemi, that familiar migraine would start to throb in his head. 

But tonight, it was different. 

The pain hit him with unbearable force, almost as if someone was hammering his skull from the inside.

He curled up in his sheets, clutching at his head, rolling from side to side, gasping for breath.

It felt as if the ground itself was quaking from the agony—or was it actually shaking?

A loud noise suddenly echoed from outside, snapping him from his thoughts.
Was it an earthquake?

Despite the blinding pain, he forced himself up, wincing as every step felt like a hammer striking his temples. Dragging himself to the entrance, he opened the door to find that several stacked boxes had fallen over. 

Perhaps there had been a small earthquake after all. But his thoughts immediately jumped to Sanemi. What if a bigger quake was coming, and Sanemi was out somewhere in the mountains?

Giyuu hurried back inside to put on his shoes.

As he reached for the door again, a raspy, familiar voice whispered in his ear. 

Think you’re too good to sit with me?

He froze, blinking in confusion. Had he just imagined that?

His headache must have been playing tricks on him.

Great , now he was hallucinating Sanemi’s voice. He rubbed soothing circles on his temple, hoping to ease the pain. 

With trembling fingers, he sent a quick message to Sanemi to ask where he went.

But no sooner had he sent the message when he heard his own voice echo in his mind, clear as day.

Shinazugawa? Would you like to have tea and some ohagi?

An image flashed before his eyes—Sanemi and himself standing together in a graveyard, wearing oddly traditional clothes, staring at a tombstone. It was hazy, like something from a distant dream.

Was it a memory?

The migraine spiked again, sharper this time, and Giyuu staggered, barely catching himself as he made his way toward the hill behind the house.

Sanemi often hiked up that hill to clear his mind. It offered a beautiful view of the turquoise ocean that Sanemi probably always assumed was a deep blue.

He paused halfway up the trail, leaning heavily against a tree as the voice—Sanemi’s voice—rang in his head.

Your eyes are deep blue.

It was a straightforward statement, but the gruffness had softened somehow, as if the usual edge in Sanemi’s tone had melted away. 

Yes, Giyuu's eyes were blue. Blue like the ocean. Blue like the very shade Sanemi had come to this island seeking.

Giyuu gripped his head, the migraine becoming unbearable. He could barely stand, his knees threatening to buckle under the pressure. That voice again—Sanemi’s—echoed in his mind.

I walked. I walked by the coast to look for you.

Sanemi was always good at finding him, no matter where he went.

I will find you, Giyuu. I will walk through the whole world to see your eyes again. I promised.

Sanemi always kept his promises.

He wouldn’t leave.

He never left. 

Giyuu's legs gave out, and he collapsed onto the ground, unable to keep his balance as the pain overwhelmed him.
He could feel his consciousness slipping away, his body falling flat on the cold earth with a dull thump.

And as his vision blurred, as the world around him faded to darkness, his own voice whispered back, so soft it was almost carried away by the wind.

I will wait for you, Sanemi. No matter how long it takes. I will wait...

Sanemi did not remain on the island hoping for Giyuu to wake up on a random day and remember everything. Nor did he come hoping he would somehow make the man interested in him. 

He just wanted to be close. 

That was enough. 

It was alright. 

He could do without even touching him if it meant sitting across from him during breakfast.

It was already a miracle that he had found him after so many years; he did not want to ask for more. He had decided to stand by him, no matter what might happen.

If Giyuu wanted to up and travel the world, he’d go with him. If he decided to go back and settle in Tokyo, Sanemi would follow. If Giyuu met a nice woman he wanted to date and marry, Sanemi would swallow the bile rising in his throat, wipe away any tears that threatened to spill, and stand as the best man on his wedding day with a smile—while his heart shattered into a million pieces. Heck, he’d be the godfather of Giyuu's child, if allowed. 

Anything . Anything to stay close to him.

Sanemi had promised he would never leave. He’d broken that promise once; he would not do it again. 

He would remain by Giyuu’s side, even if it hurt sometimes.

Like today.

He knew this day would come eventually. Giyuu was handsome, after all. But Sanemi couldn’t help his heart from hoping.

The touches, the long stares, the way Giyuu’s hands trembled sometimes—it made him think, perhaps ...

Perhaps he could use up all his luck from several lifetimes for another miracle.

Taking a deep, shaky breath, Sanemi stared out into the dark ocean, hearing the soft roar of the waves as he stood on a large rock overlooking the cliff—so similar to the one they had near their home.

He steadied himself, inhaling deeply before exhaling slowly. 

Tomorrow, he’d wake up early, make breakfast for Giyuu, help him pick out a nice outfit for his date, give him a friendly pat on the shoulder, and then try not to fall apart the moment Giyuu left.

Sanemi wouldn’t leave. He never would. 

He would be a fruit tree and feed Giyuu. A strong chair for him to rest on. A fierce pet to guard him. 

He would be whatever Giyuu needed him to be. A best friend, a lover—if Giyuu allowed it. A stranger he might bow to in passing once a week. Anything. As long as, for a brief second, those deep blue eyes would meet his, and the pain, the memories, and the love would flood Sanemi like a storm of forgotten moments.

Sliding his hands into his pockets, Sanemi jumped down from the rock, starting the short descent back to the house.

But just as he began to walk, he saw a figure stumbling toward him—Giyuu, hunched over, huffing, and seemingly in pain.

“S-Sanemi ...” Giyuu muttered weakly.

Sanemi’s heart jumped to his throat as he ran toward him, grabbing him by the shoulders, shaking him gently. “What is it? Are you sick?”

Giyuu’s trembling hands reached out, clasping weakly onto Sanemi’s arms, his breaths ragged, his body trembling. “I-I have two arms...”

Sanemi frowned, his worry growing. “Do you have a fever?”

But Giyuu shook his head, swallowing hard and sniffling. “I-I would cut off my arm for you,” he started, his voice barely above a whisper, his deep blue gaze locking desperately with Sanemi’s, searching for something in his eyes. “If you were to fall asleep on my sleeve, I would cut off my arm, so you could rest a bit more.”

The words hit Sanemi like a hammer, freezing him in place as the shock rippled through his chest.

Sanemi blanched , his heartbeat racing like a wild animal trapped in his chest. His breath hitched, coming in short, uneven bursts as panic surged through his veins.

He tried to speak, but the words tangled in his throat, his mouth trembling as he stammered, “Y-you… Y-you…”

His vision blurred with the force of his anxiety, and just as he thought he would crumble, Giyuu pulled him close.

Giyuu’s arms were firm yet gentle as they wrapped around Sanemi, drawing him nearer until his head was resting against Giyuu’s chest.

The steady thrum of Giyuu’s heartbeat echoed in Sanemi’s ear, grounding him.

“I am here, Sanemi. I am alive,” Giyuu whispered, his voice a soft balm to Sanemi’s nerves.

“I-it’s you… It’s really you…” Sanemi’s voice cracked, disbelief flooding his senses as he clung to Giyuu’s shirt.

“It is me, Sanemi,” Giyuu assured, his fingers already threading through Sanemi’s silver hair, drawing soothing circles on his scalp.

In their shaking, they slowly slid down until they were sitting flat on the ground, holding each other with all their might. 

Sanemi’s face twisted in anguish. He fought with everything he had to hold back the tears, but he couldn’t. 

It had been ten long years—ten years of waking up every day with the weight of his memories, of not knowing if he’d ever see Giyuu again.

It was too much. The longing he had suppressed for so long tore through him, and the dam broke.

Tears streamed down his face, uncontrollable, as he wailed , the sound raw and painful.

Giyuu held him tighter, stroking his head gently. “It is fine, Sanemi. I am here. It is me,” he murmured, though the tremble in his voice betrayed the ache in his heart.

For Giyuu, it felt like mere months had passed since he last saw Sanemi on his deathbed.

But Sanemi had endured ten years of torment, ten years of uncertainty. And even when he found him, when Giyuu had been so close, Sanemi had been unable to reach out, unable to hold his hand.

The weight of those lost years crushed him.

“I am here, Sanemi. I will not leave. We are together now,” Giyuu whispered.

Sanemi’s sobs broke into words, bitter and wounded. “You said you would wait. Y-you said you would wait, but you didn’t.”

Giyuu pulled him even closer. “But I did. Here I am.”

“No… You were going on a date,” Sanemi choked out, his voice thick with hurt.

“I was not aware when I accepted. I will not be going to that,” Giyuu promised softly.

“You didn’t wait!” Sanemi accused, his voice trembling with betrayal.

“Because I did not know …” Giyuu’s voice was gentle, his hand still moving in slow circles on Sanemi’s head, trying to soothe him.

The last time Giyuu had held Sanemi this close, Sanemi’s body had grown cold as his soul left him moments later. 

But now, now Sanemi was alive . 

He was breathing .
Giyuu tightened his grip as if to reassure himself it was all real .

Sanemi sniffled, pushing himself back just enough to lock eyes with Giyuu. His face was red and puffy, eyes glossy with fresh tears. 

“I hope you suffered as a shitty tree for years in your last life and couldn’t move to find me,” he spat, though the sadness in his eyes was undeniable.

Giyuu raised an eyebrow. 

“I hope you were an enraged dog that got put down,” Sanemi continued, though his voice wavered.

Giyuu's demeanor softened into tenderness. 

“I hope someone sat on you as a chair and broke you because you made me feel like shit for ten years... and even worse these past few months,” Sanemi finished, voice cracking.

Without a word, Giyuu leaned in and pressed a soft, fleeting kiss to Sanemi’s lips, cutting off his complaints. 

Sanemi froze, eyes wide with shock.

Giyuu straightened, giving him a gentle smile. 

“You found me, Sanemi. I’m back .”

Sanemi stared at him, feeling the tears well up again.
He couldn’t stop himself—he launched forward, arms wide, crushing Giyuu in a fierce embrace. 

“Welcome back,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

Giyuu’s arms slowly encircled him, matching the strength of Sanemi’s hold. He huffed a quiet laugh into Sanemi’s neck, breathing him in. 

He had two arms—two arms to hold him tight.

They stayed like that, wrapped in each other’s warmth, until the first light of dawn began to break.

The world outside started to stir, but for them, time stood still.

Sanemi sniffled, then pulled back just enough to grab Giyuu by the shoulders, his gaze intense. “This is real, right? You’re not forgetting or leaving, or… dying ?”

Giyuu chuckled softly. “I am very real, Sanemi.”

“There’s no curse this time?”

“No curse,” Giyuu reassured him with a nod.

Sanemi leaned in, cupping Giyuu’s face with both hands, his touch firm yet trembling with the weight of a decade's worth of unspoken words, pressing his lips to Giyuu’s in a kiss full of memories , of heartache , of ten years’ worth of longing . As their mouths melded, it felt like they were reliving every tear, every night spent alone. It was tender, and it broke their hearts all over again.

Giyuu’s hands moved instinctively, wrapping around Sanemi’s wrists, as if grounding himself in this fleeting moment. Their foreheads touched, breath mingling, eyes locked, a soft smile playing on their lips—a silent acknowledgment of everything they had lost and then found in each other.

They leaned back onto each other for a deeper kiss.

Sanemi’s tongue flicked gently against Giyuu’s lips, seeking permission. When Giyuu parted them, Sanemi slid his tongue between, savoring the taste he had craved for so long.

In one swift motion, Sanemi pushed Giyuu down onto the ground with a heavy thump, the sound startling in the quiet air. Giyuu’s breath hitched as he stared up at him, both of them breathless, hearts pounding, their bodies trembling with the intensity of it all.

When they finally pulled away, breathless and aching, Sanemi’s voice wavered. 

“I missed you so much.”

Giyuu smiled softly. “I missed you too, Sanemi.”

Sanemi then slowly rested his head on top of Giyuu’s chest, closing his eyes to savor the sound of his beating heart as the dark haired man squeezed his head onto him, savoring the warmth of his body, wishing to never ever feel it go cold in his arm again.

They held each other close, the weight of ten years melting away in the warmth of their embrace.

Giyuu and Sanemi made their way back to the estate, hand in hand, in silence. They closed the door behind them and shifted towards each other.

Suddenly, Sanemi reached for Giyuu’s shirt and began unbuttoning it, his movements frantic and tense.

“What is it?” Giyuu asked softly, but still allowed Sanemi to continue. Sanemi’s breathing was heavy as he slid Giyuu’s shirt down his arms, letting it fall to the floor. Then, he tugged his own hoodie over his head, throwing it aside.

Without another word, Sanemi wrapped his arms around Giyuu in a tight embrace.

“Hold me,” he whispered.

Giyuu, without questioning, pulled him closer.

“I-I need it,” Sanemi said, his voice low, as he buried his face in Giyuu’s neck, inhaling his scent deeply.

Slowly, Giyuu began leading them toward his room. Standing naked in the hallway didn’t appeal to him, especially since it was technically a common space—even if they were alone. With each step, Sanemi hurriedly yanked more clothing from them, until they finally reached the futon, tangled together on their sides, bare skin pressed against each other.

Sanemi rested his head on Giyuu’s chest, his arms holding him close. Giyuu held him just as tight, fingers lazily threading through his white locks.

“I wanted to feel your skin,” Sanemi murmured again.

“Uhum,” Giyuu hummed in agreement, pulling him even closer.

Sanemi laid in his arms—warm, breathing, holding him with the same intensity.

“You’re not going to see that woman,” Sanemi suddenly muttered.

“Huh?” Giyuu blinked, momentarily confused.

Oh . He had forgotten about that.

“Of course I won’t.”

Sanemi nodded firmly into his chest. “Good. And I’m going to be a fucking pain, just so you know.”

“How so?” Giyuu asked, dipping his head down to nuzzle into Sanemi’s hair.

“I waited for ten years and looked for five. You owe me big time .”

“And how do I make that up to you?”

“Start by washing my hair, like I did for you before,” Sanemi replied with a sly grin.

Giyuu chuckled softly, his nose brushing against Sanemi’s scalp. “I will do whatever you need me to.”

“And take me on a really fancy date,” Sanemi added.

“Alright… what else?”

“We should get married at a shrine this time.”

“Sure,” Giyuu replied, a smile tugging at his lips.

“And I want a ring. A very expensive one.”

“You do not even wear rings,” Giyuu remarked.

“That’s my problem to handle. You just focus on groveling to make up for the last ten years.”

Giyuu chuckled, “Alright, Sanemi. Anything else?”

Sanemi thought for a moment, “I’ll add to the list as I go.”

Giyuu furrowed his brow. “That is not very fair.”

“Really? Does looking for you for ten years sound fair to you?”

Giyuu sighed. “No, it doesn’t. I made you suffer a lot, didn’t I?”

Sanemi lifted his head, meeting Giyuu’s deep blue eyes. In that moment, he knew it had all been worth it. He’d wander the world for another thirty years if it meant seeing those eyes filled with affection for him. Resting his forehead against Giyuu’s, he felt the cool wave of Giyuu’s gaze wash over him.

“You have no fucking clue.”

For a while, they remained silent, content in the warmth of each other’s skin.

“Sanemi?” Giyuu finally whispered.

“Uhum?” Sanemi responded, glancing up.

“I love you.”

Sanemi furrowed his brows slightly, momentarily confused.

Then, he simply nodded, “Oh… I know that.”

But as he gazed into Giyuu’s eyes, his face began to scrunch, and his nose burned as tears welled up.

“I-I love you too,” he managed to say, his voice trembling.

Instantly, Giyuu’s own eyes began to sting, and his throat tightened.

“I know that too. But someone told me once it was important to say these things.” he whispered.

They held each other tightly, tears silently falling as they cried together. Time seemed to stretch as they stayed like that, until only the sound of soft sniffles remained.

Sanemi, still resting his head on Giyuu’s chest, planted a slow, tender kiss on his skin. He began a trail of kisses up Giyuu’s chest, each one more deliberate than the last, until he reached his neck.

With a sudden intensity, he sucked on the tender skin, marking it a deep red, before continuing up along Giyuu’s jawline.

Finally, Sanemi propped himself up on his elbow, hovering over the dark haired man with a soft, loving smirk on his lips.

Giyuu reached up with both hands, allowing them to roam over Sanemi’s chest, feeling the taut muscles beneath his fingers. His hands moved to his arms, then to his neck. Suddenly, Giyuu pulled Sanemi down, sinking his teeth sharply into his flesh. Sanemi hissed but grinned, pushing Giyuu’s head closer, urging him to bite harder.

When they pulled apart, they gazed at each other, eyes filled with yearning.

Without warning, Sanemi flopped onto his back, sprawled out on the futon.

Giyuu propped himself on his elbow, raising an eyebrow in question.

Sanemi shrugged, “You’ve got ten years of devotion, love, and yearning to make up for. You better start cracking.”

Giyuu stared at him for a moment before chuckling. “You just want to make me work.”

“Yup,” Sanemi grinned. “You’ve gotta worship the hell out of me now.”

With a playful smirk, Giyuu rolled on top of him, straddling him and pinning Sanemi’s wrists down. “I already worship you, Sanemi.”

“Yeah?” Sanemi’s grin grew wicked. “You don’t show it enou—” His words were cut off as Giyuu bent down, capturing his lips in a deep kiss.

***

This is not a real ending. The loose ends have not been tied in a nice bow. The loose ends are the eyes that have seen too much. They are the scars from past and present lives.

The loose ends are the other scars, the ones buried deep within the heart, that take so much time to heal. 

They are the fears of abandonment. The fears of death. 

For a long time, both Giyuu and Sanemi had been walking on eggshells. The ghost of the past still haunted them.

Sanemi would be sprawled on the couch, and Giyuu would instantly feel his blood drain. His heart would race, and fear would knot itself in his gut.
Slowly, he wobbled closer, his hand trembling as it hovered over Sanemi’s nose.

Sanemi stirred, slowly opening his eyes to see Giyuu’s hand just above his face. “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice groggy and rough from sleep.

Blinking away the haze, Sanemi noticed the alarm in Giyuu’s deep blue eyes, eyes unfocused as though searching for reassurance.
But Sanemi knew. He always did.

With a soft sigh, Sanemi sat up, his body stiff but determined, standing in front of Giyuu. The dark-haired man’s hand still hovered over the couch, his gaze filled with unease.

Sanemi gave him a small, tired smile and gently took Giyuu’s hand, guiding it to his chest. "I am alive, Giyuu."

It took several minutes of feeling the steady rhythm of Sanemi’s heartbeat under his palm for Giyuu’s anxious expression to ease. He let out a slow sigh of relief and instinctively leaned closer, resting his head in the crook of Sanemi’s neck, his hand still over his heart.

Sanemi was breathing . Sanemi was alive .

Sometimes, when Sanemi came home from work, he would find himself frantically searching the house for Giyuu.

The longer he couldn’t find him, the tighter the panic gripped his chest. His heart raced, his breaths became shallow and desperate as his eyes darted around, searching for any sign of him. His lungs burned, but the air just wouldn’t come.

Then, Giyuu would quietly open the front door, groceries in hand. And there he would find Sanemi, crouched on the floor, hands clutched tightly around his head, trembling with panic.

Giyuu immediately dropped the bags and knelt in front of him, guilt flickering across his face. He had left a note on the fridge, saying he’d gone shopping, but he should have known better.

With infinite care, Giyuu reached for Sanemi’s hand, gently placing it over his chest.

Feeling the soft, steady beat of Giyuu’s heart beneath his palm, Sanemi weakly mumbled, “Y-you’re h-here…”

His voice trembled, trying to convince himself.

“Yes, Sanemi. I’m here.”

Gradually, Sanemi’s breathing evened out. Slowly, he rested his head against Giyuu’s chest, right next to his hand, needing to feel him—feel that he was real. With his other hand, he wrapped Giyuu in a desperate embrace, pulling him closer.

Giyuu sighed in quiet relief, his hand gently cradling Sanemi’s head, his fingers playing with his silver hair.

“I’m here, Sanemi…”

Giyuu was there. Giyuu was with him. 

The loose ends have not been tied in a nice bow. 

The loose ends are Giyuu’s alarmed look when anyone said the word “ promise ” around him. 

The loose ends are Sanemi’s panic attacks whenever he was left alone too long. 

Tying down loose ends in a nice bow takes time .

But they were together . 

They had time. 

So they picked up, right where they were lost. 

They realized that being lost was only ever a step toward being found again. 

Sanemi and Giyuu lost everything.

They lost everyone.

But they found a way in each other. 

With each other. 

They lost their will to live, and then they found it in their safe haven.

They lost their house by the ocean. They lost their rock on the hill. 

They even lost one another. 

They had lost so much, but what they found was greater still— each other , again and again and again.

In every lifetime, in every world.

And in that, they found peace.

And peace, like all lost things, was always more enjoyable when found together .