Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first time Phil saw Dan's name was when he commented on one of Phil's videos. He was cute, and he'd seen him comment before so he figured he'd be nice to the guy and reply. Little did he know what he was getting himself into of course.

It was only a few weeks later that the two boys did their first collaboration video which basically included a shot of Phil all tied up in Dan's bed while he laughed. They had met face to face for the first time a few days before, and Dan was so funny. He made Phil laugh the moment he met him.

He'd seen Dan standing all awkwardly at the restaurant they had agreed to meet at, he looked so out of place. But still there was some odd glow to his presence. Like he was the one standing there, and no one else was around. They made eye contact, and Dan felt a knot form in his stomach as he fangirled. He made the most hilarious face, and then did kind of a pivot thing, and turned to face Phil again. He contemplated running away, because he felt like he was staring at his long lost father or something. Like Phil was a god.

Phil giggled, just as excited to finally meet the real Dan Howell and walked over.

"Hello Dan!" He said, trying to keep his voice's pitch below the fangirl mark.

"Hi Phil!!! Ohman…." Dan just stared at him for a moment. "I don’t know what to say, it’s so great to finally meet you!"

Phil let out a nervous chuckle, "And you! Shall we go inside?"

There was always that awkward first five minutes where you panic thinking that there's no way to start a conversation like this without embarrassing yourself. But at the same time you think that if you don't say something soon your idol might decide this isn't working out. Finally Phil couldn't handle it anymore and broke the ice with the most generic question you could think of. "How are you liking Manchester?"

Dan's eyes lit up like it was Christmas, *finally* he thought. *Something to talk about*. He immediately launched into a wild story about his past few days visiting Phil's city. Phil watched in amazement as the boy reenacted some scenes and used great enthusiasm in his words. *He was just like he was in his videos,* Phil thought. *Just as cool.*

Just as he was about to explain in full, engaging detail about just how huge Manchester was compared to Dan's hometown, his flailing arms smashed into a fork and sent it flying right into Phil's lap. The sharp ends of the fork dug into his leg, and he cried out.

"Ack! Oh ow, god that hurts." Carefully removing the fork. It felt like it was inches deep, but it barely pierced the skin.

"Man, that could have been bad. But I’m fine!" He looked up to see a completely frozen Dan. "Dan?"

His head jolted as he snapped out of the shock. "Oh my god I- I’m so s- sorry Phil! Are you all right?" His voice was so sad, the changes on his face were obvious too. His eyes were widened, and Phil noticed how brown the boy's eyes were. His jaw was dropped in horror and his breathing sounded like he was hyperventilating. He clumsily jumped out of his chair, taking one step back and then deciding against running away again. Instead he hurried around the table to try and do something, anything, to fix this. But of course there was nothing to be done. Phil's skinny jeans had small holes in them from where you could see the fork had fallen. But you couldn't tell if they were blood stained. Phil rubbed his leg gently with one hand and put up his other one in surrender.

"I'm fine Dan, really!" He offered up a reassuring smile.

Dan didn't know what to do so he slumped down into his chair again. "I'm really sorry P- Phil." He had just stabbed his biggest youtube idol with a fork. How charming.

Phil chuckled, "It's okay really, I'm not hurt" He stopped rubbing his leg, it didn't hurt anymore. He could feel blood staining the inside of his jeans. "The jeans probably saved me from serious impalement. But I think I’ll survive." He wanted to change the topic, he didn't like the sad look Dan had on his face. He looked defeated, like he had just lost his only chance, but Phil wasn't mad at him! His eyes had fallen now, he was staring into his lap. He puffed out his lower lip and pouted, taking in a deep breath and slowly letting it out. Phil didn't like this sight, it made him upset.

Phil took a bite of the bread waiting on the table. It had been there when they first got to the table and it was probably 4 weeks old, so it was stale and chewy. But Phil needed something to do with his hands, so he continued to take bites. Dan continued to pout.

They sat in silence, just thinking and eating, when the waitress came over and asked if they were okay. Dan managed to pull the most convincing and magnificent smile. Phil couldn't help but smile too. But when the waitress left, he fell back into his pouty face again and the warm feeling in Phil's chest was gone. He thought about when Dan was telling his Manchester story, and felt good again. He was so silly and enthusiastic, he had the mind of a 14 year old, and somewhat of a face like one too. It was really cute, and Phil couldn't help but want to see it again. So he desperately tried to come up with something to talk about again.

"So… um…" Dan's eyes lit up instantly. "I was wondering, how long do you plan on staying in Manchester?"

Dan's cheeks flushed a bit, and he stared down into his lap again. He was a bit embarrassed.

He didn't want to sound creepy, but he and Phil were already kind of friends and he was already months overdue his date to leave the apartment his friend's mum was kindly letting him stay in. But he was supposed to have moved out a few months ago, and the lady had been very gently pushing him out as the days went by. But it was just impossible to find another flat in his town, it was too small, and frankly nothing was affordable on his own. So he decided he would move. But the prospect of that scared him too. He was very socially awkward and didn't like the idea of having to make new friends, so when he had started chatting with Phil and found out that he lived in Manchester he figured this was a great opportunity. But it was only now that he realized how creepy the whole thing seemed.

Phil held his gaze on Dan, who continued to stare into his lap. Finally he gave up, accepting that there was no easy way to explain this, and told him. "Well actually, I’m moving into a flat here pretty soon." He glanced up from his highly entertaining thumbs to gage Phil's reaction. He had a blank look on his face, but in a matter of seconds his eyes lit up and his mouth curved into the most adorable smile. He had kind of a side smile. It looked smooth, but also dorky. Dan smiled along with him, fully looking up from his lap.

"Really?" Phil choked, he swallowed the lump in his throat. He was finally going to have someone to be with, a real friend. He had loads of other friends, but if you didn't like going to parties with them, getting drunk and then having sex you weren't really included as a real part of the posse. But Phil needed friends so he tagged along. But he liked being around Dan, he was finally going to have a friend!

Dan smiled too. Phil wasn't freaking out! He sounded almost sad though. Puzzled, Dan nodded, grinning from ear to ear.

"That's great! Man, that's so exciting! Where is your flat?" Phil wanted to know everything. He was a little excited, but finally had a friend for the first time in a while, and that was all he could have hoped for.

They spent the rest of the dinner talking about how exciting the whole thing would be. 

Chapter Text

Dan had only been in his new flat for a few days, but he was already homesick. He wasn't far from his parents, but it still felt weird not having them live down the street. After waking in his sleep for the third time he just gave up and sat up to open his laptop. He quickly opened up twitter and tumblr, but as he was scrolling suddenly skype caught up with itself and what must have been 50 messages flooded into his notifications all at once. Dan raised his eyebrows, just as he clicked the skype application another message came through. So his pursuer was still awake? What was so important? Phil's skype name came up on his list with the 36 notifications following it.
Dan quickly skimmed through them. "Hey are you awake? You're online? Why aren't you answering? Are you okay? I haven't heard from you in a few days, and we haven't properly hung out since the restaurant. My leg is still healing by the way. Where are you? I'm bored. I can't sleep. Can I come over? I know you're awake you're always awake late. Why would you be asleep so early? Are you alright? I'm coming over." There was about a twenty-minute time block in between the messages before he got to the "dude where are you I’m freezing outside your flat. Helloooo??? Hey if you don’t answer in the next thirty minutes I’m climbing in your window. Or breaking in. Whichever is the easiest to do with numb hands." Dan jumped up, quickly checking the time. He had only sent those ten minutes ago. Hopefully he was still there.
Dan swung open the door, the chilly air hitting him like a wave of bricks. He was wearing pajama bottoms and a light tee shirt. The cold stung his skin, but not for long. Sitting in front of the door was Phil, curled up into a ball. He looked freezing. He had a sweatshirt on and slippers. He jumped up and before Dan could react, engulfed him in a huge hug.
"Oh Dan! Thank god! I was about to walk home or something, and that would have been a pain." He quickly broke away. Dan stood shocked. He had only known Phil for a few days and hadn't properly seen him since the restaurant. He thought it a little strange that he was hugging him on their second time seeing each other, but then again he had been standing in the freezing cold for probably an hour now. Dan shut the door, the shocked look plastered to his face.
"Ummm… w- what are you doing here?" He stuttered. He wasn't sure if he was nervous or if the really cold Phil had given him the shivers, but he was shaking and confused. Phil looked relieved.
"I couldn't sleep dummy! And you're usually awake late, its only quarter past midnight. What were you doing?" He quickly shed his jacket and shoes.
Dan stared at him blankly, "Um… I was asleep?"
Phil looked up, amusement on his face. "That's odd. Were you just tired from the move?" He shifted awkwardly in his spot now.
Dan was still dazed, and could only nod. Hey, it kind of was the truth.
Phil looked at Dan expectantly, waiting for something. Dan tried to think to himself what normal people do in this situation. Finally he snapped out of it, "Hey! You haven't been here yet, let me sh- show you around" He coughed to try and cover up his nervous stutter.
Phil smiled, and gestured for Dan to lead the way. There wasn't much of his flat, he kind of lived alone in a less then 1-person place. There was a very small bedroom where he spent most of his time. The room was just big enough to fit his queen sized bed and his old desk. The living room and the kitchen where the only other rooms, other then a bathroom, and they were connected so it felt almost smaller. The whole place had the feel of an old motel. Dan still wasn't used to it yet.
Phil however looked right at home. He gazed around, in wonder, his eyes widened with amusement. It was so tiny! But it was so… cute! Dan led him into the living room where his computer was perched on the couch. He slumped down on the couch and looked up at Phil, who was still eyeing the apartment.
"You can sit anywhere you like." He said, smiling. Dan took a deep breath, *okay this is Phil. You don’t have to be nervous anymore. You know him, and he's your friend* He opened his eyes and Phil slumped on the couch next to him.
"What'cha doin?" He asked. He scooted closer to Dan, but then inched back again. He didn't know Dan very well, he needed to slow down.
Dan laughed, "Tumblr, what else." The little skype ping went off on his computer as a stray Phil message made its way into his notifications. He stared at it for a moment and then turned to Phil who had gone back to looking around the flat.
"Why did you skype me? Why didn't you text me, that would have woken me up. You're just lucky I had turned on my computer when I did." He giggled and then sucked in his breath. He didn't wanna sound girly, he was trying to be impressive. The lack of sleep was messing with him though…
For a moment, Dan could have sworn Phil blushed, but he turned away quick enough, he couldn't tell. After a moment he turned back and chuckled nervously.
"Hahah… actually I don't have your number!" He laughed. This was awkward.
Dan blinked, "Oh jeez! Why didn't you ask me sooner here." He took out his phone and opened up the new contact option. He carefully typed out the name: P h I l L e s t e r. "What's yours?"
Phil handed over his phone number and then Dan texted him his. The smiled at each other before Phil pulled out his computer and asked for the Wi-Fi password. They then continued to sit in silence.
Occasionally Phil would reblog Dan and he smiled. At first the silent blogging was awkward, but Dan looked perfectly content, so Phil decided there wasn't much awkward about it. But whenever they reblogged each other it was like they were still interacting, like they were friends.
Phil caught Dan yawning out of the corner of his eye. He looked over, worried. "Dan, do you want me to leave so you can go to sleep?" Phil didn't want to be a bother to him, but he really didn't want to go back to his lonely apartment either. He waited, holding his breath.
Dan looked up and took a deep breath, "Well I am tired, but I don’t mind you being here while I sleep. Do you want me to get you pajamas in case you decide to crash on the couch?"
Phil couldn't smile wide enough. *Is this what having a real friend is like?* "Wow thank you Dan!"
Dan laughed, "Any time, Phil." He chuckled to himself. He did mean it, he wouldn't mind having Phil over any time he wanted to be. The apartment already felt a lot better with Phil there. He went to retrieve some pajamas and threw them at Phil's unsuspecting face.
"Ow!" He scrunched up his face. Dan couldn't help but giggle in amusement. Phil looked at him, he looked annoyed. Dan stopped laughing.
"Oh I'm sorry!" He suddenly became very worried, what if he was still mad at him about the fork thing?
Dan pouted again and Phil watched. It was like the fork thing all over again, he didn't want Dan to be upset. "No no! I'm fine really haha! They were just clothes." He laughed a little, smiling at Dan until he laughed too and turned away to get in bed.
Dan decided the apartment wasn't so bad after all.

Chapter Text

Everything was going pretty smoothly for Dan and Phil, both of their web shows were taking off and they were getting more and more popular everyday. Fans were beginning to talk to them in the streets, it’s was quite scary for Phil at first, but Dan thought it was endearing.
Lately Dan was staying over at Phil's flat more and more and today he had planned to ask Phil if he could move in with him. It was exciting because their friendship really took off. The two boys laughed about everything, and they loved seeing each other smile. One day while eating their usual morning breakfast: cereal and candy, Phil was talking on the phone with his friend when Dan overheard him talking in the other room.
"Oh yeah you'll love him. He's really cool. He's like my best friend, I don't think I've ever been closer to anyone." Phil laughed.
Dan stood in the hall outside the room Phil was talking in. He waited to hear more. After a pause, Phil spoke again.
"Haha well, I hadn't really thought I had to tell him or anything, I mean we're best friends! Not engaged?" Dan was completely lost.
"Okay well if you say so." Dan heard the familiar sound of the call ending and lightly sprinted back into the kitchen before he was caught. He heard Phil's footsteps coming down the hall.
"Hey Dan?" He called as he entered the room. Dan tried to look as normal as possible.
"Y- Yeah Phil?"
Phil noticed the little stutter and worried a bit, Dan only stutters when he's nervous. "Um? Well I was just wondering, you know we're friends right?"
Dan gulped. "Yeah?" Keep the stutter under control.
Phil eyed him suspiciously, "And I don’t know if you know, but you're the first real friend I’ve ever had. I mean, I've had other friends… I guess what I’m trying to say is you're the closest friend I've ever had! Closer then anyone else."
Dan relaxed a bit, was that all? "Oh! Yeah of course I know that Phil! I feel the same way, I've always had a hard time making friends but you and me, we're close."
Phil and Dan's eyes met, and they smiled. Dan cleared his throat. "Well then, if that's all, I have something to ask you as well."
Phil smiled, "Go for it."
"Well, /best friend/, I was just wondering… Since we stay at each other's flats so much, maybe we could, um…" suddenly Dan became aware of every bit awkward he sounded. He didn't know how to finish.
Phil nodded, "You want to move in with me?" He didn't look as happy about the idea as Dan was hoping for.
"I mean, if you don't want that…" Dan felt his heart sink, this wasn't going to plan. *Way to ruin a perfect moment Dan."
Phil looked up solemnly, "No no I mean, I love having you over! And I would love for that to become a permanent thing." He stared at his feet, "Its just…"
Dan looked up, curious now, what was he doing that annoyed Phil so much that he wouldn't want infinite sleepovers with his best friend? "Am I doing something wrong?"
Phil sighed, "I just wish umm…" He glanced up at Dan, and then back down again. "I wish you wouldn't swear so much." He gave Dan a sheepish grin.
Dan's eyes lit up, "Oh! Well why didn't you just say so? I'll try to not swear so much!"
Of course it only lasted until they had moved into their new flat together and got situated. Dan started swearing again, but every day when Phil woke up and knew that every day was an adventure with is best friend, it was worth it.

Chapter Text

They lived together for about a month, but Phil was the first to realize his feelings for Dan, shortly after. It started during one of the Phil is not on fire videos. The day they were going to make that video was a good one. They started the day with Shreddies and Starbucks. Then they came home and brainstormed the ideas for the video. Most of their fans knew Phil and Dan were friends now, but they hadn't done many collaboration videos, so one day they decided they would do one. So they asked the fans for some questions to answer, and made a list of their favorite ones. Finally it was time to record. Phil sat on the floor next to his bed while Dan fixed up the camera. Once Phil was all ready, he watched Dan, occasionally cracking fourth grade underwear jokes. For some reason Dan's underwear was always showing.
Phil was thinking about how Dan was… kind of… attractive? When suddenly Dan was snapping his fingers at his face.
"Hello??? Is Phil home? Can I speak to him?" He looked annoyed.
"What? Oh sorry Da-oomF" Dan wacked him with a pillow. "Christ! What was that for?" He looked at Dan, hurt.
Dan laughed, he had quite gotten used to Phil's pouty 'don’t-hit-me-with-stuff' face, and had grown to find it quite entertaining. Phil pouted a little more, but as Dan was trying to calm his laughing, Phil couldn't help but think that Dan's laugh was kind of cute? No wait, what?
"Why do you always make cat whiskers on your face?" Dan was saying, and Phil snapped up to look at the camera smiling. He pulled out the sharpie, and they began. The video was fun. There was normal stuff, like weird animal noises. But Phil kind of glazed through it all. All he could think about was Dan and the way he did everything. It was pretty exhausting to be honest.
So when Dan said something funny and Phil already wanted to collapse with light-headedness, it was no surprise when he found himself resting his head in Dan's lap. Dan laughed, and Phil could tell he was suppressing the nervousness. He shuffled back a bit, and Phil sat up. He didn't meet eyes with Dan again, he focused on the rest of the video.
Dan laughed a lot in the videos, he had a nice laugh. But all too soon the video was finally over and they were getting ready to say their goodbyes, when Dan went off script.
"This was the most fun I’ve ever ha-" Phil tackled him.
Okay it wasn’t much of a tackle, they kind of just collapsed next to each other, Phil's hips bouncing off of the side of the bed. It was painful, but this time Dan laughed like he normally does, and it made Phil happy. They lay there for a while, not saying anything. Phil didn't really know what to say to be honest. And neither did Dan. They just felt okay. Finally Phil sat up and made a heart at the camera. "Bye!!" The two of them laughed, and Dan reached over and turned off the camera. Phil collapsed on the floor. Dan just sat there in silence for a moment.
Dan wondered what was going on with Phil lately, but didn't think much of it. No matter, he would soon understand, himself.

Chapter Text

Dan started to understand what he was feeling soon too, but it was a bit harder to find out.
They were out at a party, they don't normally go to them, but this one was Alex's birthday, so they really couldn't refuse. Dan of course was wasted after a few minutes, but Phil stayed sober. Someone had to make sure Dan stayed safe in this state, and Dan was never good at resisting temptation.
Phil sat in the corner, keeping his eyes on Dan, but staying a good distance away. Drunken Dan on his own was funny; Drunk Dan with a group of Drunken losers was just annoying and immature. But he had to make sure he didn't do anything stupid, so he watched out for him at a distance. A couple times he was offered a drink, but he refused. He wanted to be completely sober. He had a bad feeling about this night.
Dan, completely drunk was dancing with two very slutty girls. They were probably 15, but they were drunk, and they had boobs, and that was all Dan figured was what he needed.
The dancing got more and more intimate as the night grew older, but Dan was so drunk he wasn't really sure what was going on. He just kept dancing, watching the girl's boobs bounce up and down. It was funny.
The two girls looked at each other, but Dan missed what they said. Then one of the girls took his hand. He could see her mouth moving in weird slow motion, but he couldn't make out what she said. She gestured him to follow her, so he did. She brought him over to the kitchen where there was a lot of food. She glanced at her friend who nodded? Dan wasn't sure, he feels out of his chair. The girls laughed and handed him a sandwich.
"You need…. this." Dan missed what she said, but he figured she was telling him to eat, so he shrugged and took the sandwich. He bit into it, it tasted good. But suddenly he felt sick . He rushed to the sink, throwing up his entire stomach. He felt dizzy afterwards, and his stomach was eating itself. He felt someone put their hands on his shoulder and guide him to the door. He laughed.
"Phil? Is that you? I'm hungry. Are we going to get pizza?" He felt giddy.
There wasn't an answer, but Dan didn't really care. He felt himself be guided outside and towards a van. Suddenly something clicked in his mind, that wasn't Phil's car.
Everything swirled around him at once as Dan collapsed to the pavement. He tried to force his legs to move but nothing happened. There were hands all over him now. Something poked his legs. He felt the fluid go into him and gasped, he had to get away from these people. The conscienceless was slowly draining out of him. He heard a muffled groan, and his ears felt like they were full of water, and then he passed out. There was a horrible crack.
***
Phil saw the girls take Dan to go get him some food, he didn't think too much of it, but he shifted to a different corner of the room so he could still see Dan. He groaned, wishing this party could be over. He watched the girls giggle as he falls clumsily out of his chair, and they stand him back up again. He cracks some wise joke. They glance at each other and smile. Phil watches with boredom until he notices a flash of white powder pass between the girls behind their backs.
It only took a second and Phil knew what was going on.
Fighting the crowds of people to get through wasn't easy, but Phil wasn't exactly being polite either. He elbowed drunken people and knocked over some glasses, but all he could think about was if his worst fears were true. He finally made it to the kitchen just in time to hear someone call his name.
"Phil? Is that you? I'm hungry, are we going to get pizza?" Phil knew that voice.
He looked around before he realized that the girls were pushing him out of the door. He wasn't even fighting them!
"Dan!" Phil cried out, but his voice was lost in the blasting music drowning the room. He took off after the girls, after his friend, after Dan.
It was too dark outside for Phil to see anything, but he heard the crack, and it was defiantly loud enough to know exactly what had happened.
Phil looked over at the slumped over boy, alone now on the pavement, blood rushing from his head.
"DAN!" Phil let out a deadly scream. He rushed over to Dan and gently picked up his head, rolling his body over to his lap and trying to apply pressure to his head. Phil screamed. "SOMEONE PLEASE, CALL 911"
He didn't know if anyone heard him, but he didn't care. "Dan, Dan please can you hear me? Dan?" He noticed the remains of a broken needle. Oh man. Drugs and alcohol can be a bad combination if the right drug is used.
***
The paramedics came within minutes, they loaded Dan up into it, but refused to take Phil with them. He pleaded.
"Please I’m his only friend his family doesn't live around here! I don’t have a car I won’t be able to get to the hospital please, I can’t leave him!" The paramedics have him a disapproving stare.
"Let him come with me, he can wait outside the emergency room." Finally a nice policeman offered. Phil nearly hugged the man as he jumped into his car.
***
Three hours passed, and still no one came out of the hospital. Phil didn't know what was going on. What if Dan dies? He had only just realized how much he needed him, loved him. He couldn't loose him now!
***
Forty-five more minutes passed when someone finally came out to speak with Phil.
"There are no relatives of Dan's here? We can't let you see Dan unless he gives us consent, and I don’t want him woken up right now. You'll have to wait here until he wakes up." Phil's head spun.
"He's going to be okay, we don’t know if there's going to be any serious brain damage, but he'll survive the drug poisoning. We'll be able to better tell when he wakes up. You're welcome to say here until he does.
Phil slumped back into his waiting room chair and let his head fall into his hands. Tears dripped through his fingers as he let himself sob. It was almost two am and he was the only one in the room. He could let himself cry, just let it out.
***
A small woman nurse came out to the waiting room about three hours later. A man had fallen asleep in the uncomfortable chairs, but he was the only one there and the patient had been so insistent that his friend would be out here… She tapped the raggy man on the shoulder. He jolted awake so violently, the young nurse jumped back a foot.
"Sorry," the man muttered, rubbing his eyes. He looked around a moment, seemingly lost as to why he was there. She watched his eyes as everything that must have happened came back. He stood up, very jerky, and stared at the woman.
"Can I see him yet?" He asked. His voice sounded sad but angry. He was growing impatient, and the nurse could see he cared about the boy.
"I'm looking for a um… oh no I can't remember his name…" She trailed off, nervously eyeing the man whose face looked like a puppy had just been kicked.
"What is Phil Lester? Is that who you're looking for?" The boy asked anxiously.
The nurse snapped her fingers, "Yes! That's the one, you wouldn't happen to know him would you?"
The boy's eyes widened. "I'm Phil! I can get you my license if you need, just can I see Dan now?"
The nurse understood, he wasn't waiting much longer. She tried to talk fast.
"I need your name, your phone number and the full name of the patient for verification." She took his license as the boy called Phil wrote out his phone number on a piece of scrap paper on the reception desk.
"His name is Daniel Howell and he has brown eyes. He has a head injury and had overdose. He's 21 years old and is kind of tall. I can tell you his birthday, his address, his phone number, the names of both his parents, anything." He sighed, he was exhausted. "Just let me see him."
The way the boy separated his words worried the nurse even more. "Alright very well, follow me."
Phil memorized every turn and every sign that would help him remember how to get to Dan's room. He skipped up and down, clenching his fists and unclenching them. Ever time they turned he hoped, pleaded he would see Dan standing there, waiting for him.
Finally, two rights, four lefts and two floors up, Phil made it to Dan's room. The nurse gestured to the door and tried to give him a faint smile. Then she turned and walked away. Phil took a deep breath, braced himself for the worst, and turned the handle.
***
Dan didn't remember anything when he first woke up. He remembered the party, getting drunk, losing Phil at some point, and then nothing. So when he woke up in the hospital with a splitting headache and no Phil, he almost panicked.
"Hey!? Hello?" Dan called, but no one answered. His head pounded.
He took in a deep breath to call out again, but just at that moment a doctor walked in. "Hello, my name is Dr. Heinze. Can you tell me your name?"
Dan thought for a moment. "Dan- Daniel H- Howell."
The doctor nodded at the nurse who had followed him in. She rushed out of the room. The doctor then turned to Dan and pulled out a flashlight.
"Can you look at this please?" The doctor shined the light in his eyes and then put the cold stethoscope to his head. "Do you remember what happened?"
Dan tried to remember, "I was at a… umm… a party? I think?" He winced, the doctor was poking his head now. "And I got drunk… and then these girls… oh god."
A piece of his memory came back to him. The girls had drugged him. He remembered the sandwich, the pushing him out to their car, him trying to fight back, but then what happened? How did he survive? How did he get here?
"Um I got drugged, and then I almost got kidnapped but I fought back. And um.. I don’t remember…"
The doctor pulled his tools away from Dan's head. "That’s okay," he smiled. "Its impressive you remember that much. Brain damage plus alcohol can make it hard to remember much, but judging from your scans and the fact that you can form coherent sentences, I think you're going to be fine. You'll have to stay here for one night in order for us to watch for swelling, but other then that you should be fine."
Dan looked at the doctor, confused. "But what happened? B- Brain damage?"
The doctor gathered his things up and walked towards the door. "I think you fell at some point, you had a pretty nasty hole in your head." And with that he left. Dan wasn't alone for long however because as soon as the doctor had left, the nurse returned.
"Okay so you are Dan Howell and you live in…?" She waited for his response.
"Manchester. I live in Manchester." It was exhausting to talk.
The girl smiled. Great, I can keep a file for you now. You can't walk for three hours, but after that press the red button by your right hand and we'll come in and have a look. If you're feeling okay we'll help you get up and go to the bathroom and stuff. You should be fine for a while, we had to pump your whole body." She giggled, Dan stared, missing the joke. "Do you have any family in the area we can contact so you're not alone?"
Dan thought for a minute, he wanted Phil. "Phil, my- my flatmate."
The nurse grimaced, "I'm sorry but he's not related to you so we can’t legally bring up his file to let him know you're here. I need a family member."
Dan shifted uncomfortably, "He's here. He's waiting for me… waiting… waiting for me in the waiting room. He is."
The nurse shifted uncomfortably. "What's his full name?"
Dan thought for a moment. *Dan your best friend's name. What is his name??* "Phillip… umm… Lester." He let out a sigh, yes, Phillip Lester. He wanted Phil.
The nurse frowned, "Okay I’ll see if he's in the waiting room." She left.
Dan waited for a few minutes, just thinking about Phil. Who was Phil? Was he? Is he? He's Dan's best friend. Dan's best friend okay that's a start. Dan knew he needed him. He must have been important. Dan thought about the "Phil is not on fire" video when Phil tackled him and they lay there for a moment, just holding each other. Was that Phil?
The door handle jiggled and for some reason, Dan's heart skipped a beat.
A tall, dark haired kid walked in. He looked like he hadn't slept for days, his hair all matty, his eyes red. They looked more then tired, they looked like they had been crying for days. Dan saw Phil.
This was Phil, he was Dan's best friend, he needed him, he wanted him. And when Phil just stood there looking like the lost kid he was, his face looked like it was melting off his body, and all Dan wanted to do was bring it into his arms and hold that stupid face and never let him go. This was Phil.
Phil walked slowly over to Dan's bed and sat down in the chair to the side, which I moved close enough to Dan's bed so he could rest his head there. He laid his head by Dan's waist and let himself cry out. Dan stroked his hair and he comforted him until Phil's heavy breathing slowed and he fell asleep. He didn't want to stop stroking his hair though. Dan just sat like this, wanting to never move again.
This was Phil.

Chapter Text

For a while, Phil was really cautious of Dan going to parties. Dan wasn’t the best at refusing alcohol and he usually got seriously wasted when he took it. Dan was a little annoyed, but knowing Phil cared enough to want to protect him gave his stomach butterflies, so he kept his mouth shut. He would be 100% better in a few weeks, and then he would start to ease Phil off of his case.
Dan still didn’t remember anything about that night passed being pushed out the door. His first night back he had nightmares about the girls dropping him on the hard ground and stabbing him with all kinds of needles in order to kill him. When he woke up, he was panting and sweating and didn’t remember most of the dream, just choppy flashes. It felt too horrible, too much like a nightmare, Dan couldn’t believe that was real. He dropped his head into his hands before realizing that his head was still massively bruised and it would hurt like hell.
Dan cursed, a little too loudly. “Fuck.”
It only took Phil three seconds to jump out of bed and bound down the hallway after hearing his best friend’s cries. He burst through the door, catching it before it could hit the wall and make a loud sound. Didn’t want to wake the neighbors.
“Are you alright?” Dan was slumped over, holding his head in his left hand and clenching his blankets into a tight fist with his other. He looked like he was in a lot of pain.
Phil choked down the lump in his throat, *not now* he told himself. He needed to be strong for Dan. He stood in the doorway, unable to help, when he noticed water drip through Dan’s fingers. It made Phil’s heart melt.
He walked over to Dan’s bed and sat down next to him. He didn’t know what to do. He awkwardly reached his arm around his shoulders and squeezed him, before letting go again. “You’re going to be okay Dan. You’ll be okay soon.” He mumbled. Dan didn’t look up. Just then Dan’s phone buzzed. He sat up and sniffled, Phil felt like he had been punched in the stomach.
Over his shoulder, Phil could see that Dan was texting his mum. “Mom I’m really miserable, I miss you when you would rub my back to make me feel better.”
“I’m so sorry sweetie. Remember I love you! You’re a strong boy, you’ll get better soon!”
Dan read the text and put his phone away. He rolled back and lay down. He focused on the sound of Phil breathing and tried to match it with his. He started to calm down.
Phil stared at the wall blankly for a moment, and then looked over to his best friend whimpering in his bed. Without thinking he reached over and began rubbing his best friend’s back.
Dan felt shocks fly up his back. His breath cut short and he jolted around. “What are you doing?”
Phil looked at him, sad and defeated. “I… I want you to feel better. I- I want to make you feel better too.” He sniffed as quietly as he could. He wanted to be strong for Dan.
Dan’s eyes stung. He turned over again and felt Phil’s fingers gently rubbing his back. He couldn’t fight it any longer, he opened up and let out a gasp and a sob.
Phil felt his own eyes tear up, but Dan wasn’t looking so he let them fall. He stared out the window at the city lights as he continued to comfort his best friend.

Chapter Text

Dan got better after a few weeks. The moodiness subsided along with the headaches after a week and then it was just the bruise. The two boys seemed to attack each other a lot, however, because they knew Dan was 100% when Phil ‘accidentally’ threw a pen at his head and the only reaction was the normal reaction for such a scenario. Phil didn’t like to admit it, but he smiled big that day. His best friend was okay.
Dan had confronted Phil about going to parties again. It had turned into a big argument:
“Phil, you’re not my mum!”
“Yes but I still care about you! I don’t want to see you get hurt again!”
“Look I’m not going to get as drunk as I did that night again, I know my limits!”
Dan had a bit of a temper when he was angry. He was making stir-fry and Phil was sitting at their kitchen island. Dan didn’t look at Phil, so he didn’t notice how sad he really was behind his angry tone.
“Please Dan! I’m begging you!”
“Phil!” Dan slammed his hands down on the counter. “What am I supposed to do? Stay here forever? Alone? Not ever having fun? I’m sorry I cant live my whole life afraid of the outside world because one bad thing happened to me. I’ll be more careful about who hands me food and drink from now on, I will! But you cannot keep me locked in here forever.”
Phil’s eyes stung, “You wouldn’t be alone.” He whimpered quietly, hoping Dan wouldn’t hear.
Dan turned around, “What?” He saw the tear stains on Phil’s face. His face turned soft. “God, Phil. I’m sorry.” He walked over to his best friend and gave him a hug. Phil tucked his head into Dan’s shoulder. Somewhere in the corner of his mind Dan knew there was something off about this, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to see Phil cry.
Phil whimpered into Dan’s shoulders, “Can I at least come with you, to make sure you’re okay?”
Dan took a deep breath, “Just this once okay? I don’t want you constantly worried for me too okay? But for today…” He pushed Phil back and gave him a smile, before he went back to his stir-fry.
Phil stared at the ground. He wasn’t thinking about the party anymore. He wanted to be back in Dan’s arms. It had been two months since he had fallen for Dan, but he was only just learning to suppress these emotions. This wasn’t helping.
Dan tried to concentrate on his burning stir-fry. Having Phil in his arms for that one moment was amazing. He wanted his amazing Phil back in his arms again. This was going to be a long party.
***
When the two boys got home (both safe and with no dangerous encounters) Phil collapsed on the couch and reached for his laptop. He was done with thinking; he’d been doing it all day. He didn’t let himself get drunk at the party, and since he didn’t know anyone, he just had to stand in the corner and think. And he caught himself thinking a lot about Dan.
Dan wasn’t really able to have fun at the party, he just kept thinking about Phil. His heart would jump a little whenever he saw Phil at the party. He was always sitting alone, always watching him. Someone else may have thought it was creepy, but this was Phil, and he couldn’t do anything without looking dorky and stupid. When he got home, drunk and everything blurring around him, he climbed into bed. He smiled as he curled up in his blankets, thinking about Phil.
***
Phil stayed up all night scrolling through tumblr. Finally at around 4 am he nodded off on the couch. The next morning Dan woke up and as he grudgingly emerged from his room, he saw his beautiful best friend curled up on the couch. Dan sucked in his breath, he was adorable.
Dan quickly retrieved Phil’s blanket and draped it over him. Phil shivered a little, but didn’t wake up. Dan sighed; did he really love this boy?
He walked to the kitchen to make breakfast. He pulled out his favorite bowl and checked the dishwasher for any cups. There was only one and it was Phil’s Florida mug. He shrugged it off.
Dan sat on the table with his coffee and Phil’s mug, cereal and his laptop. He was checking on twitter before a weird thought popped into his head. Phil’s mouth has been on this cup.
Dan blinked for a moment, “What?” He said out loud. He thought about the observation he had just had, *do you really think that’s important?*
Suddenly, Dan felt the need to examine the cup. He stared at it intensely, trying to find any markings that show that Phil’s mouth may have touched it at some point, but there was nothing. Dan held the cup in front of his mouth. He hesitated for a moment, and then took a sip. The warm coffee spilled down his throat and joined the butterflies in his stomach. *I’m indirectly kissing Phil* he thought. *And I’m a bloody idiot*.
He examined the cup again, this time looking for traces of lip stains and saliva.
“There’s not something wrong with my mug is there?” Dan jumped out of his chair, nearly dropping the mug.
“Phil! Oh.. hahah… hi! You’re up!” Dan laughed nervously, he needed to calm down. Phil eyed him suspiciously, but brushed him off. He took the cup from Dan and took a sip. Dan’s eyes widened.
Phil put the cup back on the table and grumbled off to his room to get dressed or something probably. Dan eyed the cup, he was apprehensive about drinking it now. It’d be like actually kissing Phil. Dan took a deep breath and slowly brought the cup to his eye level. He observed it carefully and found the part of the cup where Phil’s lips had touched. He gently pressed his own lips to the cup and took a sip. It wasn’t much different, he loved Phil, and he was kissing him.
Dan couldn’t help but laugh at that last thought. He spluttered and coughed out coffee which ran up his nose. His breathing grew heavy as he laughed harder. He was being hysterical now.
Phil walked into the kitchen, he had heard the coughing noises his best friend was making and came in to check on him. He found him sitting on the ground laughing his head off. Phil raised an eyebrow.
“You okay?” He asked, a little nervous.
Dan, still laughing, took in a few short breaths trying to calm himself down. “Yeah I just-“ he couldn’t speak. He was giddy with his love for Phil.
Phil was even more worried now. “What? Dan are you okay?”
Dan took deep breaths, his dimples showing. “Yeah. I just had a really funny thought.” He burst into laughter again.
Phil let out a sigh of relief. But the amount of difficulty Dan was having trying to stop laughing was still a bit concerning. “What was so funny?”
Dan didn’t look up, his head still light with laughter. “I was kissing you-“ He stopped himself, sucking in his breath.
*Shit…. shit shit shit shit shit* Dan thought to himself. He could feel the blush rushing to his face.
Phil stared blankly at Dan, “what?” *what what what what what*. Dan’s expression was mortified. Phil didn’t know what to think. He was… kissing… him? What?
“Okay I’m confused.” Phil said, standing over Dan, trying to look intimidating. “Explain.”
Dan looked at Phil, scared out of his mind. *What do I do* He didn’t know what to think, so he stood up and walked over to his computer. “Um… I…”
Everything rushed to his head, the thought of losing Phil, his best friend, over something as awkward as this. He couldn’t bear it. He imagined Phil, storming out of the apartment, his suitcase in hand. Him throwing the keys on the counter and just… leaving.
“Dan? Dan! You’re crying!” Phil was shaking Dan’s shoulders.
Dan snapped out of his scary daydream. Without thinking he grabbed Phil’s waist and smashed himself into him, wrapping his arms around him.
“Dan? What the hell!?” Phil clung to him, he was really worried now. Was he okay? Part of his brain seemed to nudge at him *you’re hugging him, you’re hugging the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing boy and you’re hugging him* but Phil mentally slapped himself in the face. Dan needs help, this is not the time.
Dan was still crying, “Don’t leave me Phil, I’m sorry I really am I didn’t mean to it just happened but please I cant let you leave.” Dan grabbed fistfuls of Phil’s shirt and held on. He wasn’t letting him leave him.
Phil tried to pull away so he could look at Dan’s face, but he had a death grip on his shirt and wasn’t moving. He stroked the back of Dan’s head while he gently reached behind his back and pried his shirt free.
“No…” Dan whimpered. But Phil took him firmly by the shoulders.
“I’m not letting go of you, now look me in the eye and tell me what’s wrong. What ‘just happened’?” Phil tried to sound assertive.
Dan took a deep breath, and looked up. He was going to lose his best friend. He took one last look at him, and said, “I was thinking about kissing you.”
Phil stared blankly at him. A million thoughts ran through his head, *no Phil, get the whole story first.* “And? Why was it so funny? Why are you crying?”
Dan’s broke into another sob, he sucked it back in. “Because I love you! And I couldn’t bear to loose you. But it’s too late now. I’m sorry Phil, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
Phil’s eyes looked glazed. Dan couldn’t stand it anymore. He wrenched away from his grip and hurried out of the apartment. He needed to get away. He slowly walked towards the lift and got in.
Phil only held his blank stare for a few seconds until he realized what he meant. Dan loved him. Dan loved him! Dan loved him? He repeated the line a hundred times in his mind. Phil snapped his head up. He had to go find him!
Phil ran out after him. He got to the lift and smashed his hand into the call button, but the lights above showed that it was going all the way down first and stopping a lot and by the time it came back up it would be too late. Phil turned around and ran to the stairs.
The lift probably stopped at every floor in between Dan’s and the lobby. He sighed, what was he going to do now.
Every flight of stairs was a confession of love for Phil. He leapt through some of them, skipping as many as 5 stairs at a time. “How high up do we live, jeez!” His breath fought through him as he continued to run.
Finally Dan made it to the lobby, he shoved his hands in his pockets and walked towards the door of his complex. The cold air outside was sobering. He stood at the side of the road for a moment. He didn’t know what to think.
Phil reached the lobby and gasped for air. There wasn’t any time to take a breath now. He didn’t know if Dan was still in the Lift or if he had already left. Phil decided to take the chance and sprint for the door. To his relief he saw the familiar brown haired boy standing outside the door to his complex. *Dan! Dan… Dan loves me* Phil raced towards the boy. He needed him to come home.
Dan sighed and started towards the cross walk. He didn’t know where he was going, he was just walking. Someone’s hands touched his shoulders.
Before he could react, Dan’s body was spun around and Phil was holding his shoulders again. He didn’t know what to think. “Phil?”
Phil, completely out of breath, opened his mouth to speak. He didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t thought this part through yet. He was fighting for air and exhausted. *Now or never*.
He leaned in and crashed his lips against Dan’s.
Dan’s mind exploded with thoughts. But his body acted on it’s own accord. He wrapped his hands around Phil’s waist and kissed him back. Phil’s arms wrapped around his neck. The two boys held each other, neither knew what to think.
Phil broke off in a matter of seconds, his breathing heavy. He didn’t have the oxygen to kiss. He let his head fall into Dan’s shoulders as Dan squeezed him tighter.
“Breath Phil,” He giggled. His heart hammered away in his chest.
“I just ran down 30 flights of stairs” He mumbled, still breathing heavy.
Dan just laughed, he was holding his best friend in the whole world. “I love you.”
Dan felt Phil smile into his neck. “I love you too,” He panted, “Can you come home now?”