Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It came to Zagreus. Tiny little thoughts, creeping into him. Do they even want him here anymore? Everything came to a halt when he recalled the events that unfold before this run. Forbidden to even step into the lounge, or that’s how it felt anyway, when Meg and Than look at him with indifference. ‘It’s private conversation Zag’ they said, he is not welcome to join in. 

Not even a hi or anything at all. Things truly hasn’t been good lately, but alas, it is not the time to ponder. So, he mindlessly took on Aegis and dived into another round, because what’s better than going on a rampage on his father’s realm? Pissing him off is a bonus, but he needs to get out, find his mother. Focus. He says to himself, faint laughters ringing in his ears.

Talking with Meg was always fun. Words with playful tones dancing beneath it, a bit of spice, a bit of sharp edges. They would bask in banther, Zagreus acting bratty, while Meg would remain the same, and took control. It’s nice really, a welcome distraction from his failures and very not fulfilling life. Not that his feelings for her were not real, but he’s young and learning, and his anger, festering deep within. 

He misses it, he misses bantering with Meg, with all that she is. That tenderness behind those sharp words, and the rare moments that they would share. Not that there’s any of it now, it’s just hatred, and disappointment, at least that's how it looks like. They broke up, Zagreus trying to go to the surface, Megaera stopping and killing him under his father’s command. He wishes he could go back to when they’re just fooling around, a bit of pain, a bit of pleasure. Basking in her attention, and relieving in her occasional smile. 

He tried to talk to her. To make her understand. It’s hard. 

Even so he can’t stop now yeah? Even if his presence seems to make Meg gaze at him with such coldness that rivals the winter that Demeter brings. Even if he dies by her hand, again and again.

So he keeps talking, giving her some ‘contrabands’ his effort seems fruitless. But he’s not stopping, not when he hopes he can at least try to mend it. Before he goes, before he leaves. He would probably go back, to see those he cares for and loves. But still, no one knows of the future. He could only wish to make do with what time he has left with her. If not for what he’s doing, then for when she decides she doesn’t want him anymore. When even words are not exchanged, when she finally got rid of him for good. She has always felt way too good to even look at him anyway.

With Aegis he slices Meg’s heart, a split second of eye contact with her, anger in them. Zagreus can’t help but think about how gorgeous they are, distracted for a moment, before Megaera slumps to the floor, Styx claiming her. ‘Damn you!’ she cries. Zagreus stared at the spot she was a moment before. Eyes boring into the ground, blood spattered around. He needs to continue on. And so, the heat of Asphodel consumed him.

Than makes Zagreus’s head spin. He doesn’t quite know what his crush? friend? is thinking. Than would hold up these …competitions, it’s for fun, he said, he’s helping him in a way. Yes, he is breaking rules for him. But then Thanatos wouldn’t stay for long either, nor actually let Zag explain himself and his decisions to him.And so, to that, Zagreus spends every second of being with Than desperately trying to itch his being into his memory. Try to talk more, get a rise out of Than, be nicer, prolong the conversation. He can’t stop now, but it tempts him to. 

A sigh escaped him, Asphodel has not been kind to him. Luckily he did survive the encounter, although Lernie did almost send him back down to the Styx. Drinking the fountain’s healing water, he glanced at the sets of keepsake he has. The butterfly’s lying there, untouch for a while now. Too late, maybe next time .  Although his fingers itched to put the brooch close to his heart, to have an inkling of the bonds that he has left with Thanatos.

He wants, no, needs more of Than, he never knows if it’s going to be the last time, if it’s going to be the last run. If he gets to the surface, Thanatos would still pop in once in a while, but who says he would come to Zagreus, who knows if Zag can see him ever again? 

He hurt Than. When he left in frustration and didn’t inform Than. There was so much going on, and he didn’t, couldn’t think for a second and tell him about it.

You are but a thorn to him , his mind supplied. He would be better without you , adding into it, and he can’t help but agree to his mind this time. Even so he tried, he laughed, he smiled, he talked. Trying to make it better. Clinging, almost begging, trying to get Thanatos to spend another second with him. But Than will always leave, not wanting to spend more than necessary with him. It’s his job, he can’t be mad at Than for doing his job. Even if it’s not, and Than just wants to help, but nothing more than that, then that’s fine. Not his fault really, not when Zag can’t think of why he would want to stay anyway.

He doesn’t understand why Than is helping him. Longspear grazed his cheek. Come to think of it . He held up Aegis, blocking an arrow. Than never seems to actually enjoy their meeting. He stepped on a spike. Shit- Maybe he did, maybe he did not. But Zag's mind just told him that Thanatos always leaves and their meetings are brief, he does not stay around. The spike pierced through him, his feet bleeding. 

Aren’t you just forcing yourself on him? He sprints to a witch’s spell, knocking it to the floor.

But even so, Than is still here right? He still comes, that has to count for something. His mind is swirling now, the blood loss not helping either. I have to keep trying, he told himself. Readying to smash the shades to the nearest wall. I don’t want to lose him . If this is all he’ll give, then Zag has to be content with it. It’s his fault after all. He burned down the bridge when he broke out. When he stopped being locked and shackled to the place he had to call his ‘home’. 

Doesn’t matter if it’s for his mother, if he wants to meet her. That he needs answers for a lot of things, that maybe his life might make sense for once. The last exalted soul dies. He breathes, trying to calm his mind before going to the next chamber.

He distantly hopes that he could have a better relationship with them. Maybe in another life? Maybe there could’ve been something that Zagreus would have given him a better outcome. Maybe he fucked up really bad, and at the end everything will fall apart. Not that it isn’t already . Either way, it’s not something he could change so easily, and Theseus’s glade is right in front of him. Later he’ll wallow more, but for now, he got someone to beat up and out of his way.

The door to the realm above opened, he founded the satyr sack for Cerberus. Lovely dog, best boy ever, really. Cold, that’s what he feels. Is this what wind is? Moving air, not stagnant. The white stuff on the ground melts, snow he thought. He looks forward, light blinding his eyes, and that’s when he sees it, his father, standing there, menacingly. 

He had hoped that maybe this won’t actually happen, but no. Hades killed him without hesitation. He wakes up in the house, in shock, but angry. He thought that he had proven himself, that maybe his father would let him pass, but no. Why is he so insistent on not letting him leave anyway? He knows his father does not love him in any shape or form, but doesn't he love his mother? Enough that he never took up another mate or anyone, really. 

What is going on, what is he hiding? He thought bitterly, calculating now, thinking on how to go on. Kill him . He thought to himself. It startles him, how easy that comes to his mind. But it is only fair, for he killed him first. Zagreus readied his weapon, Aegis served him well last time, he will take it up again. I will kill him .

Useless. His father said. Incompetent. Words that have been forced, been nailed into the depths of him. He can’t even find where they are, for it has swirled in his soul, making it a part of him. It truly does not matter what he did, nothing works. The only respect he started to get is when he killed him with his hands. His stomach churned at it. How cruel is fate that he could never get a single drop of parental love from him, much less his mother.

I’m fine, it will be alright. He forced a smile. He just needs to find his mother, then everything will be alright. 

His mother does not want to go back. His mom doesn't want to- He rises up from the Pool of Styx, hand on floors, eyes wide. What the hell. Angers fueled him. After all this time, what? Like so many times he rises up and kills his father, again and again. He traverses the realm, trial and error, beaten, bruised, just for a second more with her, before getting dragged like a struggling rat, back to Styx. 

Maybe she just doesn’t want you. The raging ember almost dies instantly. A thought, splashing him with cold water. He never thought of it like that, thinking that she would love him, and would want him. Feet led him back to his room, ignoring his father’s remarks. He doesn’t even glance at the left hall to speak to Achilles, or to see if Than is there. THan is rarely anywhere these days anyway. Nothing matters much does it? He did all of that, for nothing. Bridges got burned down, so many sacrifices, all for nothing. No one wants you anymore now. He thought. 

Not that anyone wanted you here in the first place, yeah? His mind adds. Nyx is absent, her spot is blank, he could only see the flowers in the pots, must be with Chaos huh , sprinting into his chamber. He fixed so many other people’s problems, yet his never seemed to cease, only growing after each encounter. Achilles is back with Patroculus, Sisyphus freed from his bounds, Orpheus and Eurydice getting together again. While his mind raced, he sprinted right into his bedroom, missing pairs of eyes looking at him from the lounge.

Blood and darkness, what should he do now? His efforts seem vain now. And nothing is working as well. His hands grasp on his bedsheet, tears in his eyes that drop on the soft silk. He still can’t talk as much with Meg and Than. The first, still looking with disdain and a lot of emotions that he can not quite read, not anymore anyway . The second, seeming to be avoiding him a lot. Either busy with his job, or he doesn’t want to see Zag anymore, it is not an information that’s privy to him. All he knows is that he hasn’t seen Than in at least a week now. 

Zagreus, for the first time in a while, lets himself slowly climb to his bed, ugly sobs start to rack about. He could only put his hand on his mouth hoping that no one would listen in and see him in such a state.

What about Nyx? She did so much for him, all of that for nothing. Oh by the gods, Olympus. His heart racing, blood rushed to his head, everything seemed to be spinning, pain in his chest. Numb. Achilles, he failed him as well. So much for training and going up, when he can’t even bring his mother back. He has to apologise to both of them, for being a failure, for being him. For failing to make his mother want him. By darkness, he is so tired. So, so tired.

Maybe a bit of sleep will do him good. Maybe it will be better when he wakes up. Or worse. He flinched. Too many thoughts. He can’t sleep like this, his mind, ever racing, screaming and begging at him to do something. But he can’t, what can he do really? Nails dug into his arms, drawing blood. He tensed, before he felt a bit calmer, a bit numb. Maybe this is it. This will help. Pain is good, it will keep him tired and occupied. He dug in more. More. More. With pain, he falls asleep, blood staining his sheets and tears damping his pillow.

Chapter Text

Zag wakes up. Jolting, sweating. His arm is sore, the pain dulled and the blood stopped. How long was he asleep? He couldn’t really tell. Although with how silent his surroundings are, it’s probably ‘night’ time in the underworld. He doesn’t really want to go up, words from his mother still fresh in his mind. ‘Please, if not for your sake, then for mine...do not return. I love you Zagreus’ she said, eyes not meeting him anymore, she turned her back.

‘Goodbye’ was the last thing he heard, before his body failed him and the Styx dragged him back into the place that he had to call his home. He can’t stop now, he told himself. And so he tried to sit up.

His head throb, sending him back down to the pillow, hands on his head. Isn’t god supposed to be rid of any illness? But then he seems to be almost mortal, with the red blood running in his veins, the very blood that’s dried brown in the silk. He stares at it, deciding that it is not worth it. At least for now, he thought. What? You’re going up there again? A battle, with his own mind. He came this far, there should be something he can do, something that his mother would want. But she doesn't want you, your existence is not cutting it.

He squeezed his chiton, fingers gripping white. Then he has to get something else, something that is better than him, something that would actually make her come back. Zagreus stares at his ceiling now, head hurting, and tears clinging on the edge of his lashes. It’s so hard to actually think above all the pain that’s inflicting his vessel. But he has to, there’s gonna be something else.

His mother said something about Hades falling out of love. Zagreus' world stops for a second, eyes wide. Pain shot on his left head. Focus. He breathes. Maybe, if he can prove to her that his father still loves her, if he could make her realise that she is wrong, maybe she will come back. Seriously though , him? The one that hates him, the one that makes him into what he is today, deep of insecurities, issues and so many things that he can’t even count. 

He laughs. Pained. His fingers are clawing his arms. Red red  red , dropping down. That is the only thing that Zagreus can see through the blurry vision he has. He laughs and he cries. Fates really are playing a cruel joke on him. He broke down. Everything is really going full circle. He was doing this for himself, so maybe he could have a semblance of parental love, when he was deprived of it, due to his father. Due to his existence that never seems to be enough. But at the end, it’s what Hades thought that’s going to fix this, that’s going to bring his mother back. It stings that his father, the person that hates his existence, might be the key for his mother's return. Blood and darkness, at the end no one truly, really wants him .

If Zagreus was not bawling and contemplating his own life, and what led to this. He might’ve heard someone coming in. Preventing whoever it is to not see him in such a disgraceful state. Stop crying boy, you’re embarrassing everyone here , his head supplied. Eyes closed, he could only replay all of the nasty remarks that were thrown at him, those remarks that he has absorbed in him, the ones that will scream at him everytime he doesn’t do something perfectly. SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP hands gripping and pulling at his own hair now. His laurel popping and burning into ashes in an instant.

He screeches. Someone touched his arm. Pain shot his head, he moved too fast. His panic combines everything, reducing him into a state of fear. He focuses his eyes, trying to see who is the threat. “...Zagreus..?” Who? And that’s when his head throbs and realises someone is right in front of him. Tears ran down, his eyes focused, finally, and so the colours slowly became a form, lines and colours arranging and connecting to each other, a form that he is familiar with, that is Thanatos. 

Thanatos is distraught. It has been a while since he’s seen Zagreus cry, much less staring at him like he’s in danger, l ike he’s going to hurt him . His eyes are wide open, figure shaking, one hand still grabbing his head. Is that blood??? Thanatos…does not know what to do. 

He just got back after such a heavy job, it’s been a while since he saw anyone except Charon really. He never thought he would go back to an empty house, Meg saying that Zagreus has not gotten out of the room at all and that she still has work to do. Than just nod, silent agreement for him to check on Zag. ‘See you later’ Meg said.

And now he finds Zagreus crying and in pain, with not much to go on at all. Despite being alive for a long time, Thanatos never really managed to grasp how to act in situations like this. But blood and darkness, he will be damned if he doesn’t try. “Than..?” he looks at Zagreus, Zagreus is not looking at him. “Sorry you have to see me like this…I uh…you don’t have to be here, you can leave if you want” Zagreus forces a smile “It’s been a while since we see each other and you have to see me like this'' or see me at all Zag thought. Than could see Zagreus’s nails digging into his arm, not drawing blood, not yet. “I’m not really in the mood to do anything fun” darkness, why is he like this couldn’t even be a decent company for Than “I think Meg might have her break soon? You guys can hang together inste-” Thanatos gently touches Zag’s finger. He flinches. Than’s hand hovering over, unsure.

It is clear that Zagreus needs someone here and he’s not going to just. Leave him here. Even if a part of him is scared, and wants out, he is not leaving Zagreus here, not like this. And what is up he’s talking about? Than is here for him no? Why is Zag so desperate to push him away? It feels weird being on the receiving end of this. Zag’s usually seeks him out, and with their lately more…complicated relationship. Now is not the time to think of that . He can do this. “Can I..may I touch you?” Zagreus is still not looking at him “...yeah” he fidgets in his place. Thanatos finally gently pried Zag’s fingers open, holding them in his hands, stroking soothing motions. Zag lets him, because what is he supposed to do really? And why is Thanatos still here? He’s clearly being a nuisance. It’s embarrassing enough that Than has to see him in this state, clearly no one would want him like this. Why is he being so gentle? He does not deserve to be treated like this.

And so, tears flow out again. Zag panics, before Than wiped them gently, his hand now holding his cheeks. Zagreus unconsciously leaned into them, how long has it been? How long since he ever had any loving touches? And so he cried even more, he lurched into a hug with Than, sobbing hard. Desperate, trying to make it last. If he has half a mind, he would probably just run away by now. But oh, the way Than is enveloping him, he feels so safe. He could only melt and sobs, unable to form words, just clutching tightly onto him, hoping, begging in his mind, that Than would forgive him for invading his space. Thanatos could only rub his back and grimaces. They need to talk after this, about what happened. What led to this. But for now he just embraced the warm prince that’s trembling and clutching at him so, so desperately.

Zagreus cried himself to sleep. Thanatos could only look at his sleeping figure, his face finally looking more peaceful, less distress. “What happened?” Meg’s voice cut in, breaking of Than’s trance of staring and petting Zagreus’s head. “I..” he stops, deep breath Thanatos . “I walked into him in the middle of breaking down, he didn’t even notice I was there. He…he told me I should leave him. I..” Thanatos gently held Zag’s hand “I didn’t and he was just crying Meg, I didn’t know what to do!” Megaera sitting down on the other side of the bed, her hand’s on top of Than’s now, encouraging him silently to continue. “I held his face, and he was…so desperate for the touch, he looked pained and hugged me while he sobs. I could only be there Meg, I couldn’t do anything else than hoping that he would calm down…” His face scrunches, eyebrow furrowing, what is happening to Zagreus? How could he notice? Is this not the first time he’s just crying and hurting? Was there something that he could’ve done? 

“And so he cried until he slept” Meg adds, her face is hard to read, but Than knows that Megaera is baffled, and maybe as confused as he is. “Yes. And there’s another thing I noticed as well” Than swallowed his breath “he was hurting himself” Meg’s eyes twitched, noticing the healing wounds now, “his arms were bleeding and the sheets were stained with blood” The silence couldn’t speak louder in the room.

“Blood and darkness, I have to go” he can feel the pulls and demands of mortal souls, stacking up, he never delays it for this long. Any longer would get him in trouble, he really does not want to leave Zag. At all. The pull is starting to force him up though, it is not something he could ignore. “Can you stay here Meg?” his eyes stare at Zagreus, fingers playing with black strands. “Of course, go do your job. I’ll be here for a while anyway” he sighs and get up “I will try to make this quick” eyes lingering on Zag. “Careful Than, do not make mistakes on the job” Meg says, half teasing, half serious, reminding him. Thanatos sobered up at that, looked at her, nodded and dissipated away.

Warm, warm and safe. Zagreus could feel his consciousness dancing around. He doesn’t want to wake up. Why wake up when he could just stay where he is? So so warm, and he doesn’t have to think about his problems. His problem. His mother. And just like that, it falls away. Right, his mother does not want to come back. And he has to prove that Hades still loves her. Right. His eyes open, blinking at the ceiling of his room, the world slowly blurred and unblurred, before his vision focus. He could only sigh and run his hand through his face and hair. “So you’re finally awake” he jolts, heads snapping to his left side, where the voice came from. Megaera is sitting on his bed, looking at one of his books. Her eyes snapping to him, he gulps. Why is Meg here????? Confused. Lost, if you will. “I think we have to talk. But we have to wait for Than as well, he should be back soon” 

Memories flood and flashes in his mind. Oh blood and - how could he forget. Oh Than. He saw him in his miserable state. He could only groan into his hand. The embarrassment creeping in.“Good, you remember things, that will make it easier” Meg stares at him, her gaze unflinching. Oh. What does that mean? Are they here to tell him to fuck off? Is that the final straw, him not able to be wanted any longer. Are they realising that? Oh he is not prepared for this at all. He could live with breadcrumbs, but if both of ‘em decide they are done with him, he truly doesn’t know if he can make it this time. “Stop that” He flinched “You’re hurting yourself Zag” He didn’t realized he’s gripping his hands again. “Oh sorry” Meg just sighs at him. Oh she’s disappointed . This is really not going well for him, his hands now turning at his sides, clutching the bed sheets instead. He didn’t anticipate Megaera to put down the book, and take his hand instead. ??? “Zag” he looks at her, puzzled. Meg has never been very keen on physical touches like this, even back then, they only touched each other when they’re deep in ‘playing’. What is happening today???? But nevertheless, he grips her hand now, not wanting to let go of the contact. Meg stares at the action. O h no, did he mess up? Took too much ,again? Zag almost pulls away, if not for her grip tightening. And now they’re at an impasse. 

“Look at me Zag” he looks at her “we just want to know what happened, I can see your mind going all around things” she grimaces, “but first, I apologize” If Zagreus was confused before, now he is confused and just overall panicking. “For what? Meg, if anything I should apologize for worrying you. I know you have so many other things to do and I’m just adding the burden right now” Meg is staring at him “So, uhm, sorry Meg” Why does Megaera look at him like that? He shifts uncomfortably. “Uh Meg? Don’t you have a shift in a bit? You might get lat-”

“Zag” a single word, that's all it takes for him to shut up. He’s sweating now. Oh that couldn’t be pleasant for Meg, having to hold his sweaty hand. “Zagreus. Listen, because I will say this only once, you are more important than that right now” Megaera does not look happy, where did he fucked up? His mind searched on why . Is it not true? Meg’s job will always be more important than him, everyone knows that. It’s not like it’s a secret. It’s not Meg’s fault that she can’t give him attention or want him back when they are literally killing each other, each time he goes up. Zagreus is clearly at fault here, so why is she apologising?

“Zagreus, I apologize for not noticing you...hurting. For not asking or checking before it-” Her eyes sharpen “-hurts you like this. Whatever it is” 

Oh Meg is being sincere with him, he doesn’t know why though, he does not deserve an apology eyes wide as he stares at her. Unsure, he just feels guilty, but Meg might get mad if he keeps insisting that “I..uh..okay” he says dumbly, now looking down, staring at where his and Meg’s fingers are intertwined. “We’ll talk more when Than gets here” she says, pushing Zag gently down on the pillow. He does not resist. His body is still tired, from what he does not know. He’s been sleeping and resting for far longer than usual. He can never stay still after all, he would not allow himself to rest. His father is always finding something to nit-pick about him. Keeping him on his toes, constantly telling him that he needs to be better . 

Isn’t he supposed to heal up? You know, being a god and all?   Yet his body aches, and his mind is somewhat foggy and so so tired. “For now, you should rest more” Oh darkness , Meg is petting his hair now. He jolts, this is not what they do to each other, since when Meg is affectionate with him like this? And what about the fact that she hates him anyway? You know? Trying to escape and all that? She’s supposed to hate him, not petting him in the hair, so gentle, it almost makes him sobs . What. Is. Happening. He makes a confused noise before he keens at the touch he is being given. They’ll talk more later, Meg is humming a song now, for now he can just enjoy the warm treatment that he never thought he would ever get.

Chapter Text

The familiar sound of Thanatos arriving wakes him up from whatever warm-safe-cloudy state of mind he was at. Right. Meg said they have to talk about something, might be his state of mind they found him in, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the worst case scenarios. Although, Meg had apologised to him, because she hurt him, apparently. He grimaces at that, still not sure what to make of it. His mind cleared up, anxiety spiking, thrumming and beating the heart he has in his chest. But he steeled himself, sat up and made eye contact with Than, Meg still sitting beside him. “You’re awake” Than looks at him, he looks so tired. Zagreus’s guilt returned threefold. Than looks at him so worried, he should worry about himself Zag thought, fingers fiddling with the sheet. How could he give Than more burden that he already has? He really should be better than this if he wants to fix their bond, becoming a better friend, a better asset , at the very least.

“I, I’m sorry” the words left his mouth, his eyes focused on his floor. He really should get a rug for it, Than must’ve felt cold with how barren the floor is. “Tch Zag, what for?” Does he really need to spell it out loud? Meg said he’s not burdening anyone, but that was Meg, not Than. A part of him is scared of how Than will react, but he does want to make sure where they are standing, what Than thought of it. “For worrying you? And having to deal with me? Especially since you’ve been busy lately I-” dual sigh feels the room. Oh darkness, he quickly shut up then, not daring to let a single sound or a single movement. Maybe he’s being too much? Over explaining himself? Wait, he didn’t even ask what they’re supposed to be talking about. He went ahead of himself again. Maybe that’s why- 

“Zag”

The voice, too sudden, too close all at once. He flinched when he saw Than sitting in front of him, brow scrunched up.  “Zagreus, why would you apologise for that?” Zag is not okay. His mind blanked out but he still speaks, speaking the same thing that has been ingrained inside of him, making ways to his thoughts, the voice that degrades him no matter what he does. “Because, I’m not pleasant to be around” his throat choked out. He felt like he accidentally opened and ripped out a part of himself, now laid bare in front of Thanatos and Megaera while screaming inside, please don’t look pleasedon’tlookpleasedon’tpleasedon’tpleasedon- 

The room fell silent then. A flurry of colours moving, following with warm and touch. Zag is enveloped in warmth. Than hugged him . What- “Zagreus, your presence is not a bother” the voice brushing his ear softly, Zagreus shivered, processing the words. “Ugh, I think I know what happened now” he hears Meg, she looks a bit..sad? But still so angry at the same time. “Zag, I am going to ask you questions. You are free to answer them or not, but I wanted to confirm whether what I thought is right” she sends him a pointed look and pulled in deep breath.

“Zagreus, did you think me and Than do not want to be around you anymore or at all?” she looks straight at him, almost as if pained at the mere thoughts of it. Thanatos now moved back, never in his life has he feels so cold from the loss of touch. He feels himself chasing after him, but the hands on his shoulder stopped him from doing that. “I…” “Surely not, right Zagreus?” Than looks at him, his eyes begging. Zagreus felt like he wanted the world to swallow him whole. The lack of words from the usually chatty prince is proof enough for both of them. “Ah, I see” Thanatos is looking down, his hand leaving Zagreus. No! His mind screamed, but he didn't do anything to stop it. He doesn’t want to force anyone to touch him after all, not if they do not want him.

“Is that all?” Zagreus blinks at Meg “Look, I’m not trying to scorn you or judge you. But is that all that makes you” Meg averted her eyes “in the state that Than saw you in?” Zagreus really wants to say ‘yes’ so they could move on from this. But oh, when was the last time anyone cared for him properly? He thought Meg and Than do not want him, but here they are, taking time for him. Does not mean they likes him- a thought goes through him THAT is NOT relevant right now he barks back. They were his closest people after all, once, before he fucked it up and hurt them all over. But he’s been trying to get better, to fix it up, and he hasn’t been rejected outright, yet. He’s scared and somehow it shows enough that both of them seem to realize it. Well, he hasn’t really been subtle or mask his emotions after all. Too tired for it, really. 

“Zag, you don’t have to answer more right now” Meg start “but it will do good for you and us” get over it already his mind twisted the words “We want to help Zag, I- we, want to understand” Than is brushing his fingers, holding it gently “plea-please Zagreus?” Than stuttered out. Huh, he finds it a bit funny that it took one breakdown from him to make Death flustered. They are silent now, looking at him, waiting for an answer. He almost wants to sob again, he really is not deserving of their patience. I should tell them, they deserve an explanation ‘cause really, all of it is his own fault, really, and they should know that. And so he pours, except he forgot that when you pour, it falls.

Everflowing, like the river Styx. Zag’s just keep talking and talking, about how lonely he feels, about how sorry he is for his existence and how he hurt them so badly. How he misses them, but understands if they don’t want him anymore. He truly will be fine with it he has to be, he told himself. Than almost looks like he wants to interrupt him a couple of times, but Meg gives the other a look to let Zag finish. And so it kept going, him growing more frantic, talking about how he’s trying to be better, but it feels like it's not working, felt like his efforts to mend the bond they have doesn’t seem to lead anywhere, that it feels like they both still hate him anyway, not that they have to like him, he quickly adds. 

Tears are flowing as fast as the words leave his mouth. But it can not stop him.

He talked about how his father’s words are now a part of him, he feels like he can’t even take it out even if he wants to. Both grimaces a bit, familiar with the way that the lord treats his one and only son. And almost screamed at the tipping point, that his mother does not want to go back. Megaera seems to snarl at that, and Than’s face is just shocked, seemingly processing the information. 

“I know, I’m an idiot, truly. M’sorry for leaving. I didn’t know it’s going to be like this'' he sobbed, words slurring and he, ashamed, “I realized that I have one last thing I could try to convince her, but oh blood and darkness” he’s holding his face in his hands now, wet from the tears that he doesn’t bother to wipe “I-if I could find a concrete evidence that father still loves her, then maybe, I think, she would at least consider going back?” he laughs “isn’t that ironic? The person that has hated me all my life, that makes all of this happen in the first place, the proof of his love is what I need to bring her back.”

“...” 

With the silence in the room, every last drop of him poured out, Zagreus could feel the blanket on his thigh are truly damp now. Sniffling, he’s afraid of taking his hands away from his face, the only shield from the rejection and maybe disappointment on the two gods that’s close to him. Meg pried his hand open and Than started to wipe his face with a rag he got from somewhere. Zagreus could feel the tension leaving his body, albeit a bit rigid, but Than’s being gentle with him. Now that he poured everything out, he just feels hollow and empty. And so he just waits for words or any reaction from them, numb and tired. 

“Zagreus-” “Zag-'' two voices sprung out, he looked at Than and Meg, currently looking at each other, before Meg just patted  Than and sat down next to Zagreus, rubbing her hand on his back, trying to comfort him. Well now Than’s looking at him, and Zagreus broke a bit more when he sees his eyes are full of pain. Zag feels guilty because he’s the cause of the pain, but at the same time, it’s been so LONG since he last saw Than at all, the closeness is making his brain a bit mushy. He can’t help but think about how he wants to just get lost in Thanatos’s golden eyes. Blood and darkness, he really, really misses him.

“Zag- I- Where do I even start” he looks so nervous “First of all, I think I want to apologize, for keep avoiding you” Oh. So he was not mistaken about that “these whole emotions and feelings are hard for me to manage, so instead of dealing with it. I just ignore and avoid you at all” Than looks down in shame “Work has been busy as well, but I should’ve talked it out with you, not- not making you just, feels like that” Zag realized he’s trembling when Meg hold his hand, he grips her hand, trying to ground himself. 

“Zag, when you left” oh gods, here we go “I was mad at you” Lady Aphrodite, please give him strength “but I could never hate you for it Zag.” 

Huh?

Than is looking more and more upset when he sees Zag’s eyes widen, almost in disbelief, but even so, he decides to continue. “Even when I’m mad that you left me here, I still want you to succeed Zag. I have come around to the idea that…finding the Queen, Persephone, your birth mother, is important to you. That’s why I’m trying to help you, when I can” his face slightly tinted in gold, eyes darting around. “And with the limited time that we have, not knowing when you truly are going to leave for sure, I want to spend more time with you. But since you’re very determined and just keep going on runs with little to no break, I thought I should just, compete with you in your runs, and give you something if you won against me, because I was scared that you wouldn’t accept my help otherwise” Thanatos just closed his eyes, brows furrowing with mixed emotions in him. “I just needed an excuse to spend more time with you. But I was too prideful and hurt to ask for it” he finished. Than covers his mouth with one hand in embarrassment, before he looks straight at Zagreus, dropping his fingers. 

“I do like” he stops, “no, maybe even love you, Zag” Zag’s brain stops working at that “And the nectar that you’ve been giving me is making me confused. I don’t know if you’re trying to be nice or you are trying to court me ” Than looks away, oh that’s new , he is looking flustered and blushing like a maiden. “But I shouldn’t have avoided you because of that, that is my mistake to make. I should’ve asked you clearly instead of pushing myself to work, excusing myself of my avoidance. I…truly regret not confronting it faster and telling you about it. If I did, we could've avoided making you spiral and break down like this” Zagreus is still not speaking, shocked and denial trapped him in a bind “I’m really, really sorry for that Zag” he takes one of Zag’s hand, giving it a kiss in apology.

It’s Zag’s turn to blush from the gentle kiss on his knuckles, ever so briefly, yet it imprinted down to his silly bones. “Uh” Zagreus started, deep breath , “that is a lot of information. Will be honest, I find it really hard to believe after these past days, or weeks? I am not sure” he answered sheepishly. “That is fine. I understand that this looks weird from your perspective, but I do mean every word” Zagreus wants to wipe the hurt in Than’s face, but his heavy heart just decides to anchor his body instead. So he just holds Than’s fingers while humming a half-agreement. “Mhm”.

“Zagreus” Meg’s voice startled the both of ‘em, reminding them of her presence. Thanatos looks sheepish, while Zagreus is fighting for his thoughts because of how Megaera’s voice still manages to tingles him in a way. 

“Look, to clarify. I do not hate you either” She seems to be conflicted, choosing her words carefully. Zagreus truly feels just a bit special, the fact that he makes Fury to be so careful with her words, not wanting to hurt him, putting the banter that they’re more used to aside. Compassion. It’s wild to think that he just thought about how Meg would toss him aside a few hours ago. “We left on a sour note, back then. But I would be lying if I said I never had a soft spot for you” she says, reminiscing, almost. “And you do try to be better, even if you’re still leaving from here” Zag winces at that “But I do always believe that you will succeed, given how you are” a twitch on Meg’s lips, she stopped herself from smiling. Zagreus feels his heart leap, her beautiful, piercing orange, flaming eyes doesn’t help it either. He really should not be distracted, especially when Meg just raised one of her eyebrows, noticing that his eyes were glazing a bit, out of focus. She continues when his mind comes back, a bit sheepish, but still looks at her with a newfound gaze, ready to listen.

“I like you, Zagreus. And I wouldn’t hate the things that made you, you. Your stubbornness to do things that you set on is one of them. It would be hypocritical of me to love you on that note, but do not want you to succeed on your endeavour when it is evident to be important for you” she looks to the side “I have a job to do, and I am not as keen to show affection” her eyebrow crunches in frustration. “It is my nature, but I will try for you, Zag. Especially since you are negatively affected by it” she grimaces, eyes boring into him. “I do appreciate you trying to apologize and start over with me Zag. Even if it's a bunch of contrabands being tossed around” Megaera snickers. Zagreus feels his heart tighten and beats in his ears. 

“Same as me” Thanatos chimed in “I would like to try be more upfront about things, and not put things off aside like that again ''. Zagreus feels like maybe things will be okay, for once, after a while, “After all, it would do all of us good to talk with each other more. And be-” Thanatos coughed, gold tinting his features “more affectionate- with each other ,as well. It would be good for what all of us want, after all” he finished, eyes finding both Zagreus and Megaera. His dread feels so far away, covered by the softness and warmth that he feels. Love , he thought. It feels like he’s loved. “I- thank you” Zagreus feels his heart full, almost bursting. “I-I will try to talk about it as well, so I don’t spiral like this” he winces “although I can’t promise it, sorry. I’m kind of a mess in this” he really is, he knows he will feel guilty again, not sure if he would bring it up. But he wants to try, truly. 

“That’s fine. I believe all of us will try our best, but that doesn’t mean that things will fall off or go off the course” Meg glances back and forth at Zag and Than. “We’ll just have to remind each other of it, and just go about it slow and steady” She pets Zagreus’s hair and takes Than’s hand, putting all of their hands together. Than hums in agreement, and Zagreus really likes it, being together like this. It makes his worries and bad things in his mind go away, makes him feel like everything will be okay.

“And for your father” Oh “I would not say I agree with how he treated you. But I never thought you, actually believe it” Zagreus feels ashamed at that, worry creep up to him, his hands almost pulls away in responds, he should be better he should be- 

“It’s not your fault Zag '' she says softly, her hand gripping his chin now. Zagreus could melt from the heat in him. Confusion makes its way though. “But it is?” If Zagreus is not who he is, surely his father wouldn’t treat him like that, right? Isn’t his existence that makes his whole life more or less miserable at this point? But the look from Thanatos and Megaera makes him almost believe otherwise, well almost. Liar LIAR LIAR Because that tiny voice inside of him is still screaming, from condescending into a fit of anger. Then why? Why does he deserve this? “Zagreus, Lord Hades would treat anyone the same, no matter who it is Zag” Thanatos began, “It’s just the circumstances that makes him like that, it was never your fault Zagreus” he says, softly, gripping Zagreus’s hands, because Zagreus is jerking, slowly recoiling from it. 

“If anything it’s him that decides to take it out on you, or anyone really” Meg adds in, her face in a scowl, not for him, but it makes his heart break nonetheless. How can it still break after being in pieces anyway? He wants the Styx to drown him, he needs to- “Zagreus, please” his mind stills, Than’s face is pained, Megaera is stroking his cheek gently. “It’s really not your fault Zag” “Truly”. Zagreus somehow, cries again. Despite the fact that he just cries a bunch in a short amount of time. Do gods just have no limits to this stuff? But Zagreus is half mortal, and so his flesh decides to remind him that by forming a headache in the back of his head . He just grips Than’s and Meg’s hands, heart feeling heavy, but he can feel it slowly just, repair itself, just a bit. He trusted them both, more than the voice in his head. The one that sounds more and more like his father. 

It’s not his fault , finally, he tells himself.

Chapter Text

Life is a bit better now. At least in his opinion. At the end, he manages to get his mother back.  After a lot of talking with Than and Meg, he steels himself, goes finds the evidence- bless Achilles and the fact that he lets him in that room-, and storms through the realm, going up up up. His mother listened, and the next time he came up, his father let him go. He found Persephone while she was packing her things, and so, his mother came home. The amount of coincidences that needs to happen, and how it feels almost like ‘too good to be true’ kind of happy ending, truly is a work of Fates. 

When his mother suggests making a feast and tells most of the truth to their other family members, everyone thought it sounds mad. But, after further preparation and explaining, it seems more and more plausible, especially when the Olympians seemed to be fond of Zagreus to an extent. Not to mention it’s a big banquet, and when would they refuse to come to one that was specifically hosted by the Lord of the Dead himself, it was hilarious when Zagreus gave it to Dionysus, and he had an inkling that he could have a taste of their wine supply, the look on the God’s face truly make him realized that the plan will be set in motion sooner than he probably have thought. And at the end of it all, things work out well enough. As his mother said, sometimes you just have to say things believable enough and work it out with more things to sweeten the deal, hence now she has to visit Olympus every half of the year. 

After all that though, things settled better, more or less. Zagreus has a job now, head of security of some sorts, a warden if you will. Ransacking the realm is his official and permanent job title. Never in a millenia he ever thought it would come down to this, but here he is now. His relationship with his father is…thin at most. But he has been just dropping ‘affection’ here and there, at least for his standards. And they might have even started to banter on the usual battle-to-death session when he broke out of the realm. It’s strange, that’s for sure. His father’s voice is still the one that tells him he’s unwanted and useless, having been there for oh how many years. But it has been a bit easier to ignore, he has learned to make it smaller even. To take the voice and look at it like one would see a wild, hurt, tiny creature. And that…has help him to take a step back and even calm down before he spirals into a fit of self-hatred.

The road to recovery and healing is never a straight one (get it? Cause he’s bi- gunshot). But it is quite evident that his relationship with Megaera and Than has gone to a way better turn now. They would spend time with each other, whether as a duo or hanging out as a trio. It is…more peaceful than before, he would say, more stable almost. He’s happy to spend his days with his lovers, just hanging out or talking about things he wouldn’t couldn’t before, instead of keeping everything inside and just exploding from the sheer yearning and emotions that piles in. Although, they would sometimes fall back to their old habits, having to drag one another out of it, keeping each other in check so everyone’s happy with what’s happening around. Like…now.

“Come on Than, I think a picnic in Elysium is a great way to spend time together! Meg agreed!” Zag flails his arm around, trying to convince Death to, well, take a break from his everflowing work. Mortals and their mortality. Although the war and famine going on does give him double the normal load, and he’s already busy even then! “Zag…you know it’s not my choice, I have to go now. This is all I have before they pull me forcefully out of here” Thanatos grip his scythe, his eyes sunken and his posture rigid. He really needs to take a break, otherwise he passes out from exhaustion. Zagreus’ grimaced at that, knowing Than is not avoiding them on purpose, the pull is like an itch that will get itchier if he doesn’t attend it. The more mortals there are, the itchier it will be. Which is why he has something that might help Than to rest for a bit. “I know, but I asked Hermes for help! And he agreed to help so you could take a break for a while, and this as well” Zagreus grip Than’s finger and passed off a boon to Thanatos. “What?! Zagreus???” Than panicked feeling the weird sensation and almost teleported if not for Zagreus holding him firmly. “Wait wait!! Sorry Than, it’s only a boon to ward off the pull, at least for a while” he looks sheepish now, accidentally scaring Thanatos with his lack of explanation.

“Zagreus..how do you acquire this?” Thanatos feels that it’s true. The pull is not completely gone, but it is muted to a more tangible level that he can put on the side. “I got it from Master Chaos..?” Zagreus answered nervously, one of his hands rubbing his own neck in response. Thanatos looks alarmed, before Zagreus explains that he got it in exchange for some experiments and questions that Chaos wants and it has been fair and done. “So yeah, no need to worry. It’s alright!” he laughed and stared at Than’s face, lips quirk up. “Ah. Fine. I see” Thanatos lets out a long sigh before he floats nearer to Zagreus, scythe disappeared. “Well..? I’m here now, lead the way” To say that Zagreus’ face lit up like the sun is an understatement. 

“Okay!! So I do have the things for it, thanks to Achilles and Patroclus teaching me about food and all. Mother also teached me how it’s set up and what would be best spots for it, that’s why we’re going to Elysium” Zagreus drags him from his usual corner, by passing Achilles, who gives them a knowing smile. Thanatos has to duck his head for that. Then pass the main hall, Hades and Hypnos working. Hypnos waving excitedly, and Hades giving a glance before going back to his work. “But we have to grab it first and then wait for Meg to get off, which should be any minute now?” They went into the lounge and Zagreus got a basket with so many things in it that Thanatos thought it might burst. “But yeah, I am so excited for this. Oh! You should be resting though, so no worries if you sleep or anything like that, Meg and I will be there after all. We just want you to rest up as you can” Zagreus finished, putting the basket on his table and usher Than to sit with him on his bed.

“So now we just wait for Meg?” Thanatos shifted on the bed, getting more comfortable. “Yeah! It’s been so long since we hang out together, I missed you so much, Than” Zagreus hugged him from the side. Thanatos flinched- which made Zagreus sit upright and tight “Oh sorry!” he looked to the side, hurt and scared, Thanatos realised. “Got too excited haha” He plastered a smile and kept talking, trying not to show any of it. He grabs the bed sheets, eye looking elsewhere while rambling. Thanatos feels his gut clenched at the display. “Zag” Zagreus stops. “Yeah?” He looks at Than. Thanatos gathered his will and leaned on Zagreus. He could feel Zagreus flinching before eyeing him nervously. “I was just tense Zag, everything’s alright” “Of course! Of course, just making sure haha” and he continues to talk still, although melting under Than’s touch this time, while Thanatos listens and gives a hum now and again.

They hear Meg before she walks into the room. Her high heels making steady clicks before Zagreus sees Megaera’s stiff posture and annoyed scowl on her face, deep in thought. Ah, she just finished a bad shift then. “Meg!” The fact that a single call could turn her scowl into a frown and neutral is an amazing feat on its own, her eyes glazed at the sight of her lovers, trying to relax and forget about her job even for a bit. “Zag” she says, hands on her hip “Than” she nods at him, giving a kiss on his cheek, tinting in gold, and ruffles Zagreus’ hair, which sends a laugh that turns to a dreamy sigh when her long nails proceed to scratch his head. “We’re all here now, let’s go to this ‘outing’ you’re talking about” she retracts her hand, but not before giving one last pet. Zagreus smiles and leads them to Charon’s boat, going on a journey to elysium. 

He does not have to fight to get there anymore, doesn’t have to crawl, claw, and run just to feel alive. For once Zagreus feels at home, and so they continues on, in the banks of Styx, bickering and laughing with each other.