Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I’m dying. Yeah, I know, no shit Sherlock, etcetera, but you’ll forgive me for the slow realisation given that I was kind of distracted by the whole bloody galaxy we apparently have to save. Oh, and the fact that I’m bleeding out. Nothing to grab your attention like excruciating pain, eh? And did I mention the whole Tyler Jones swearing incident? That’s definitely a new one. I should take a commemorative photo or something.

Except I’m dying. So it all of this probably won’t mean anything for much longer.

Then I feel it. And I know, straight from my bleeding heart to the tips of my wings, that I can’t resist it forever. Ty can pull his commander routine all he wants but my tiny human mind isn’t anywhere near strong enough to hold off…

Whatever this is. I tried to explain it to him, the crazy, impossible thing that’s inside me and all around us in the past and the future but no words could possibly quantify this feeling. And the worst part is, it’s so warm in there. It’s like when I played hide and seek with my Mum as a kid, and I knew that she knew where I was hiding and I would jump out from under the table and into her arms, because I didn’t mind being found if I ended up in her embrace.

Except this isn’t some silly game played by kids. It’s only the entire damn galaxy on my shoulders. On all of our shoulders. So I’m holding out. For now.

But something tells me that Catherine Brannock, Ace, AL squad 312, is not making it off this planet alive.

I should be doing something.

Ty and Scar are discussing tactics. I try to listen in on their discussion, but their voices seem to flicker in and out of existence, and I can’t focus on what they’re saying. Finnian’s doing some nerdy crap, no doubt nothing I could help with even if I was functional. Across the room, Zila’s taking inventory of supplies. But I know full well that nothing we have here can save me.

And I can still feel it. It’s like a voice now, and it doesn’t shut up. It whispers and whispers, inviting me to join it. It’s not cruel or malicious. It genuinely believes I’ll be happier if I go with it.

Part of me is starting to believe it too.

That’s when the stowaway comes to sit next to me. She’s in one piece, thankfully, but since she isn’t a trained legionnaire I guess she’s feeling equally useless.

I try for a reassuring smile, but it must look pathetic since she returns it with undisguised pity in her eyes. I suppose I am pathetic- the fabled Zero, being looked after by a girl totally out of her depth. Hard to imagine that pretty face belongs to the same person who crushed the ultrasaur like one of those ancient Terran drinks cans.

 A moan of pain escapes me.

“I can feel it…” I don’t mean to say it out loud, don’t mean to scare her when hope is already so fragile, but she doesn’t seem afraid anyhow. Her resolve seems to coalesce somehow, swelling into something tangible.

Suddenly, the thing inside me screams and it isn’t warm at all anymore, it’s vicious and bloodthirsty and somehow, despite its unspeakable size, afraid.

Afraid… of her?

Unaware, she grasps my hand, and her eyes widen.

Can she feel it too? The way it roars at her very touch?

It wants me to kill her, there’s no doubt about that, and for the moment I’m glad that my body is wrecked because otherwise I might actually listen to it.

Without warning the pain cranks up to an eleven, and everything goes dark.

In this half-lucid state, I can see it. Vines and flowers and leaves and fuck knows what else, tangled everywhere around me and inside me-

-I’m a bird in a cage, flapping madly against the green iron bars-

-a dragonfly, flitting this way and that to dodge writhing vines that somehow grab hold of me anyway-

-and then an actual dragon, clawing and tearing at it but no matter how much I destroy it just keeps coming back because there’s just so much of it-

-I’m drowning, falling-

It falters momentarily, lets go of my wings and I fly away but I know it’s still there and I can’t escape it

But then on the other side of the vines, I see her

And somehow, even though this is all inside my head it’s real-

-she shows me my memories, my feelings, trying to give me the strength to fight back but it’s futile, even she can’t push it out of me-

I silently scream at her to leave, to remember who I was so that when it takes me there’ll at least be something left that was truly, really mine-

She’s stubborn, though, assaulting over and over again, and with every blow it slows down, losing its grip on me-

Our thoughts swirl together and I lend her my strength, though mine is nothing in comparison to hers, and in my mind’s eye I’m pushing the Longbow’s throttle to the absolute maximum, knowing that in this moment it’s all or nothing-

Theres’s a shift, a change-

A flash of light, a noise like a million cracks of thunder and I swear the fabric of the universe is tearing itself apart but together, we stitch it back to being whole except something has changed, something is irrevocably different to the way it was before-

Finally, I can see the sky again, the thousands of stars lit up silver against midnight blue, the vines that strangled those lights falling away

Then Aurora lets go of my hand, and my mind with it, and without her incredible strength I can’t even hold on to reality anymore

So I fall, but I keep my eyes on the stars until the very last second.

~

Never back down from a fight, not until your last breath. I’ve stuck to this creed all my life, ever since that fateful argument with Tyler Jones.

For me, there’s no difference between clubbing another kid with a chair and throwing down with the galaxy’s most ancient evil. I know fights. I know the taste of iron and salt on my tongue, pain in my limbs and my heart thumping in my chest. I know that when you believe in something, you don’t let go of it, no matter how much it make you bleed.

So when I find out the crew threw down with an ancient evil without me, I’m understandably pissed.

I hold my tongue, seeing as Zila would only tell me I was in no condition to fight at the time. She would be right, of course. But I can’t get comfortable with the fact that everyone else put their life on the line to protect all of us while I lay unconscious in the corner. Hell, I didn’t even wake up in time to run my own sorry ass back to the Longbow- apparently, Ty had to carry me.

What I wouldn’t give to have been conscious through that.

Hey, I’m a simple girl. Give me assholes to beat up and friends to fight alongside and I’ll be happy.

Except… I can’t help think back to that moment. To when I was we and we were nothing and everything and everywhere and together and loved.

I hate it.

I hate that I miss being part of that monster.

But some screwed-up, cowardly part of me can’t help but long for that feeling of being embraced again.

I shove it aside and stride onto the bridge.

Scarlett is the first to notice me, and she rushes to wrap her arms about me. She doesn’t speak; she doesn’t need to. Somehow, she tells me everything in the warmth and tightness of her embrace.

It’s not the same.

Shut up.

The warmth is short-lived though.

I see Zila, chewing on her hair and fiddling with those gold earrings.

Finnian, messing with his exosuit. He looks positively knackered, but I can see in his expression that there’s no convincing him to sleep. I know how that feels.

Kal and Auri, sat side-by-side with their fingers entwined. Interesting.

And Tyler. Legionnaire Tyler Jones, Alpha. Despite it all, he looks every bit the goldenboy he is. Or isn’t, considering we’ve broken more regulations than I could count on both hands. Either way, there’s resolve in his expression. But it’s obvious he’s going through it too.

Every one of us is beaten, bruised and bloody on the inside. Lost, too. I might be a pilot, but my job is just to get us from point A to point B. It’s on his shoulders to decide the destination. And he can see, as I can, the question written on everyone’s faces:

What in the bloody hells do we do now?

“This defeat is a victory.” It’s the little stowaway who breaks the silence. Although she doesn’t seem that little anymore. Something is burning behind those weird eyes of hers as she aims her gaze at Tyler, hands balled into fists.

“what?” Our Alpha’s voice is weary. It breaks my heart to see him like this, so defeated. This isn’t the Tyler Jones I’ve always known.

“Cat, you understand, right?” I can’t help but straighten my spine as she turns to me. Like she’s our commander or something. “That’s what you were thinking… when…”

She doesn’t finish the sentence, but she’s right. Despite everything, I don’t think I would have minded going down in that last fight. Like I said, I never back down from one. Especially if I can save someone at the same time. And even if we’ve lost one battle, we’ve also survived. That’s way more than those plant weirdos were expecting from us.

Frankly, it’s way more than I expected. But I wisely decide not the bring that up.

“She’s right, Ty.” I speak quickly. I don’t need a pity party when the galaxy is on the line. Or ever, really. “We know our enemy now. Or at least Aurora does. I, for one, am bloody confused.”

Finnian finally pipes up-“yeah, it’s one of those rare occasions when Zero has her head on straight. Something big just happened, but even my incredibly intelligent self is struggling to figure out what that was.” No one rebukes his snark. We all want that explanation ASAP.

“We know where the Ra’haam is sleeping. We know it wants to consume every living being in the galaxy until we’re all part of it’s whole. We know the Eshvaren fought a war against it, a million years ago, and they beat it. We know they suspected it might return, and left a weapon to fight it. We know I’m the trigger for that weapon. And we know how to stop it.”

News to me. Some serious shit must have gone down while I was passed out. I definitely need to ask Scar for a briefing, like, yesterday.

“How? Finnian demands, interrupting my sulk. “Every GIA agent we’ve come across was infected by that thing. Who knows how far it’s spread? Sorry to rain on your parade, but your whole Terran government is suspect.”

Aurora’s face pales at the reminder. I’m clearly out of the loop on something, but…

I’m sitting in a dimly lit room, a storybook in my hands-

There’s a girl curled up in my lap, and even though she’s younger and her hair is completely brown I know it’s her-

Jie-Lin…

Then I’m back on the Longbow, blinking furiously to push the memory out of my vision.

What in the…?

Oh.

Oh shit.

That memory… belonged to Aurora’s father, didn’t it?

Then that thing got him too. And she saved me but she couldn’t save him. A strange numbness creeps into my thoughts.

 As for why it’s in my head… but she got that thing out of me, didn’t she?

I’m positive it’s gone- otherwise I would know, I would feel it grasping and claiming and becoming every part of me, and that’s not the case. But I guess that doesn’t change the fact that it was me, and I was it, for some period of time.

Then Aurora continues talking, and I’m forced to listen because let’s face it, I know jack about pretty much anything right now.

“The signs of infection on a person’s body are obvious. Colonists infected here on Octavia must have infiltrated the GIA, got the planet interdicted to keep it hidden. But if they could spread the infection from person to person, there wouldn’t be any humans left after two centuries.” She glances at the star map projected from that strange crystal, at the twenty-two red dots that pulse like severed human hearts. “I don’t think the Ra’haam is strong enough to spread while it’s sleeping. I think it can only affect people who stumble onto one of these nursery planets. But it’s mostly dormant. It’s weak. We still have a chance.”

“To do what?” Zila’s voice is quiet, but not quite devoid of emotion. She’s scared too. Can’t say I blame her. “How do you fight something like this?”

“With the weapon the Eshvaren left us. With me. If we can stop the spawning it talked about, if we can keep those twenty-two planets from spreading the infection through their FoldGates, maybe we can stop this thing once and for all.”

I whistle. “That’s some confidence you’ve got, Stowaway.”

“But we’re wanted criminals.” Scarlett reads my mind as always. “We attacked Terran military ships and broke a galactic interdiction. We’re going to be chased by every government in the galaxy. We can’t rely on anyone for help.”

Kal folds his arms. “Then we do it alone.”

“The six of us?” Finnian scoffs. Against the whole galaxy?”

“I think Pixieboy might be on to something here. And I’m not just saying that to disagree with you, but we’re the only ones who can do anything right now, so-”

“It’d take a miracle.” Tyler murmurs. Usually I don’t tolerate being interrupted, but I realise how quiet he’s been this whole time.

We sit in silence for a moment. I may have talked big just a second ago, but he is right. We really are just seven kids with the weight of a hundred billion stars on our shoulders. The massiveness of that finally settles in, and it’s enough to stifle every sound on the bridge, it seems. Everything is silent except the empty hum of the engines, and the beating of our drained hearts.

And into that silence, Zila speaks.

“Almost every particle in the universe was once part of a star,” she says softly. “Every atom in your body, the metal in your chair, the oxygen in your lungs, the carbon in your bones. All of these atoms were forged in a cosmic furnace over a million kilometres wide, billions of light-years from here. The confluence of events that led to this moment is so remote as to almost be impossible.” She places her hand on Tyler’s shoulder. It’s awkward, as if she doesn’t really know how to do it. But her touch is gentle and sincere. “Our very existence is a miracle.”

When he speaks back to her, his voice is barely a whisper, and I only just hear him say, “What are you saying?”

Despite the softness of Zila’s voice, her gaze is full of steel. “I am reminding you of a wisdom you have already shared with us.”

“And that is?”

“That sometimes you must have faith.”

Ty finally meets my eyes then, along with everyone else’s, and I know that they all reflect the same fire in my heart and in his. He nods at me, as if I needed his permission, and walk to pilot’s chair, giving Shamrock an affectionate rub as I sit down. According to Zila, we’re going to need all the luck we can get.

But even if we run out of luck eventually, I know we’re all thinking the same thing. We owe to Aurora, to her Dad and all those other colonists and to each other, to fight this thing. With everything we’ve got.

“We don’t have to do this alone, Kal,” Tyler says.

I groan inwardly at the cheesiness, but only slightly, because I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t want to say the exact same thing.

“We do it together.”

Damn straight we do.

Aurora smiles, weak and watery, but true.

“Squad 312, forever.”

Or until this whole thing blows over. Either way, we’re in this to the end.

Kal nods at Tyler. “We the legion.”

“We the light.” Scarlett replies.

A grin breaks across my face as I join in with everyone. “Burning bright against the night.”

“Cat, set a course for the FoldGate,” Tyler orders. Finally. I can’t wait to get away from that creepy place.

“With pleasure.” I punch in the co-ordinates.

“Where we headed, Goldenboy?” Finnian asks.

Tyler pauses, staring at the star map in front of the co-pilot’s console.

“Seems to me we’re in a war here. We’ve already got our trigger.”

I launch the engines and they flare to life, lighting up the darkness alongside Tyler’s words.

“Let’s go find our weapon.”

Chapter Text

I may have acted all badass earlier (can you really blame me when everyone was so fired up?), but I’m bloody exhausted, and there’s not much piloting for me to do while we’re drifting in the Fold.

In other words, I need a nap. Maybe ten.

I’m already ready to pass out by the time I stumble into my cabin, so I don’t even see her. It’s only when her bright red hair is right in my face and her arms are wrapped around my chest that I finally get a moment alone with Scar.

“Don’t you dare do that again. Ever. You hear me?!” Her glare is fierce, and I realise that the shine in her eyes isn’t just conviction.

“Hey, watch it! Zila says I’m still recuperating. You’ll end up on the angry end of her disruptor if she finds out you’re hindering my treatment.” I try to brush Scarlett off with a joke, partly because I really am safe now. Also… I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about how close I came to losing her forever. She isn’t done yet, though:

“Please, Cat. Promise me. Promise me you won’t let anything like that happen again. Your life is worth just as much as anyone else’s, do you understand?” I wince internally, remembering how I begged her and Tyler to leave me behind. I just didn’t want that thing to hurt them. I’ll admit, my shrivelled heart aches just a little to see her like this.

Okay, maybe more than a little.

“Fine, fine, I promise,” I grumble. She only stares more pointedly. The message is clear- she needs to know for sure that I mean it seriously. I sit on the bunk and she comes to sit beside me, gently holding my hand. It’s amazing how safe she makes me feel without needing to say a word. “I’m sorry. And ashamed, too, of the way I acted. But… I don’t think I can keep this promise.”

Scarlett looks away from me, to the cabin’s floor. “I had a feeling. I guess… none of us can really say for sure whether we’ll be safe or not. Not when our enemy is threatening the entire galaxy. I mean, to be honest, Cat, I didn’t give a damn about saving people to begin with. This whole putting our lives on the line business just seems so far away right now.”

Although she’s never said this out loud before, it makes sense. Scarlett has never been a model student, after all.

“I think you’ve got a point.” She looks back to me in surprise, not predicting my words for once. “I mean, if you’d asked me before we landed on Octavia, “Miss Brannock, are you willing to die for your squad?”, I would’ve said, “hell no. I don’t want to die”. I’m eighteen-  Heck, we’re all just teenagers!” The words are tumbling out of my mouth now. “Bloody hell, Scar, what the actual shit have we gotten ourselves into?”

She squeezes my hand, smiling sadly, shaking her head. It’s a minute or so before she speaks again.

“I don’t know, Cat. I just… I don’t know. But we’re in it, and we’re not getting out anytime soon.”

We sit there for a long time afterwards, and I guess I must fall asleep, because the next thing I know I’m groggily peeling my eyes open to find her warmth pressed against my body. For a moment it’s like we’re back at the academy after a night spent gossiping. Well, that sure isn’t happening again anytime soon.

But I’m glad some things haven’t changed.

Despite everyone’s resolve after leaving Octavia, no one really knows what we should be doing. We’ve got to find somewhere to lay low, so we’re all just awkwardly wandering around the longbow, trying to find anything meaningful to do.

So I’m spending time in the pilot’s seat, failing to convince myself that floating around in the fold isn’t something the autopilot can handle. And that’s when Aurora walks on to the bridge.

Crap.

I’ve been avoiding everyone- the mood is so tense, it’s impossible to hold a conversation- but she’s probably the person I want to talk to the least. I haven’t even thanked her for saving me, and the longer I wait, the harder it becomes to force the words out. I’m going to make a fool out of myself either way, aren’t I? Ignoring her would be cruel, and trying to talk to her would wreck what little pride I have left.

“Cat… can we talk?”

Well.

If nothing else, at least that makes the decision easier.

“We should, shouldn’t we?” I want to play it cool, but she’s already seen me at my lowest moment, ready to let go of myself totally. I hate not being on top of things, having to let her take the lead because we both know I can’t do it.

“Okay…don’t let me force you though.”

I could back out. Keep pretending nothing happened. But deep down in my heart I can’t help but think that being forced is the only way I can talk about this.

She takes my silence as permission to continue. “Back on Octavia… back when you fought the Ra’haam… what did it feel like?” It seems like she’s struggling to keep her voice level. Weird. What does she have to hide?

“When I fought it? Stowaway, were you on a different Octavia or something? I didn’t do shit. I failed to resist it and then I needed all of you to save me!” The words come spilling out, and the regret is instant. This girl is already going through so much, she doesn’t need my insecurities dumped on her as well. It hurts even worse when I catch her flinch as my volume shoots up. But now that I’ve started, I can’t stop myself. “I mean, I was such an asshole to you, and you still saved me. Everyone gave their all to get us out of there alive. You all risked so much, and I was just… I’m still just dead weight. Aren’t I?” I meet her eyes, trying to decipher her expression. Terrified that she’ll prove me right. “I mean sure, I can pilot ships. So can Tyler. All of you could save this galaxy without me, I’d bet.”

Aurora stays silent a second longer, her expression frozen.

Shit.

Shit, why did I say any of that?

She’s probably scared of me, she still thinks I hate her-

It strikes me again how terribly lonely human beings are, how endlessly far apart they (they?) are even when they try to share everything with each other.

How isolating it feels to have to be one of them.

Stop-

You don’t seriously miss that thing, do you?

“Hey… Cat? Can you hear me?”

I snap out of my thoughts to find the stowaway in the co-pilot’s chair beside me, tentatively placing her hand over mine. “Holy cake, I’m so sorry. I should’ve waited, that was so selfish of me”-

Now she’s apologising? Did I miss something?

“I just thought- because you were so close to it… you might have seen…” She swallows, and I realise she’s holding back tears, but they manage to break free as she finishes the next sentence. “I thought you might have seen my dad. The real one.”

Now it’s my turn to be caught off guard, but it’s  not long before I go back to feeling like an asshole. Of course I had to go and make it about me. Still, maybe I can do something good for once, so I soften my voice:

“It wasn’t so bad in there. It didn’t… hurt, at least. Hell, it almost made me want to stay. If it weren’t for you…” I pause for a second. It would probably be smart not to finish that sentence. “Anyway, I don’t think he abandoned you. I saw… some of his memories. So I think that that part of him that’s still “him”, still remembers you.”

Auri’s face scrunches up, and she cries even harder. It’s so painful to watch and I hate it because I know it’s me that hurt her, that I’m the one who made this all so difficult, but between the sobs, she whispers-

“Thank you.” Then she lifts a shaky arm and wipes her face. “Okay. I’m okay now, I promise.” I wonder if she’s talking to me or to herself. “I just… needed to know. So thanks for telling me.” Impossibly, she manages a smile. “But Cat, you don’t really think we don’t need you, right?”

Something screams at me to lie, to tell her it was just the stress getting to me, that everything’s fine. It’s just… I’m so tired of being the strong one, of convincing myself that nothing can get to me. Especially since she’s already seen my walls crumble.

I pull my knees to my chest. “Honestly, stowaway? I just don’t know. I keep getting the feeling that… that I was supposed to die back on Octavia. We got out too easily, you know? And besides that, when you saved me, it felt like we broke some kind of rule. Some line that we weren’t supposed to cross.”

“I…” Aurora considers her words for a moment. “I kind of don’t want to say it, but I think you might be right. I don’t want to believe in fate, but if it’s real, then your fate was to become part of the Ra’haam so we could escape.”

“Then…” I stare out into the distance, at the emptiness of the fold. I miss the stars. “What does it mean that I’m still here?”

Auri follows my gaze out into the huge nothingness that lies barely metres away from us. I wonder what she’s thinking. “I guess… Tyler must have been right about having faith.”