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Chapter Text

He stared at the courthouse for a couple of minutes after Liv left. While he looked charming as ever, the brown overcoat complementing his salt and pepper and his green eyes, Barba was shaking. Uncontrollably will later find. It was the end of many things, his job, his reputation, his sort of friendship with the rest of the squad... Six years of the most horrifying cases he could imagine suddenly gone. The verdict was non-guilty, yet the weight of his actions was depriving him of sleeping, breathing was harder each time, and the shaking, oh the shaking was worse than ever.

It was for the best. He kept repeating that. It was for the best. It was for the best. It was for the best. His heartbeat was rising. Sweat dripped from his forehead, despite the weather. Eyes in a blur. A force pulled him to the side. His catholic-raised mind, for a second, fully believed that he was being dragged by an angel (or a devil), and that the real trial was about to start. But no.

Instead, he found himself on the floor, the sidewalk. A loud honk and probably some cursing at the distance. He didn't even notice when or why he started walking. His vision started to clear and he saw three shining little lights. Purple, blue and green. Oh, and also a face. It was a young woman, with a piercing on her nose and some streaks of hair painted in blue. She looked worried but he couldn't figure out what was going on. Then he remembered: a pull, a honk and him on the street.

'Easy, easy, buddy. I got you'. Slowly Barba started to get up, and then he noticed her. She was shorter than him by a few inches. Her hair tucked inside a grey beanie, with the exception of the blue strands. She was wearing a black coat and black gloves.

'I'm fine, I'm so sorry, so sorry'. Barba muttered, barely a whisper as the woman helped him to his feet. 'Don't be, and I don't believe you. Let me buy you some tea, it always helps me to relax'. 'No, no, no it's fine, really'.

Barba didn't know if those last words were actually said out loud, but he found himself in a nearby coffee shop, seated by the window waiting for the woman to come back. He looked at the window, pictures of different people that his job-ex job- allowed him to meet or meet again: Liv, McCoy, Rollins, Fin, Carisi (he chuckled at the idea that he would ACTUALLY miss Carisi)... a couple of tears threatened to fall. Damn SVU. Damn it. For giving him a heart. For reminding him that he actually owned a soul. It shouldn't be this hard to leave a job, he actually wanted to quit before even joining, but he stayed, six years. He was stupid enough to believe that he was making a difference. None that it matters right now.

His mind drifted to what just happened: a pull, a honk and him on the street. What the hell happened there? Was his unconscious trying to make him do something really stupid? Is he out of his mind already? Was that cinnamon?

A waitress placed a paper cup in front of him. A name scribbled on the side.

Julieta

He heard a voice approaching from behind '... si, nunca le creí a mi mamá eso de un pan pa'l susto, pero supongo que podemos intentarlo, gracias Vero' (yes, I never believed my mom when she said 'a bread for the scare' but let's see if it works, thanks Vero). The woman (Julieta, he thought), sat across him with a small pastry and an identical paper cup. 'I chose cinnamon, I don't know if you have tasted it, but it always makes me feel better. The bread here is really good as well, like a hug to your heart'. Barba felt a small smile forming on his lips. 'Oh! I'm sorry I didn't even introduce myself, I'm Julie'.

She offered her hand which he took. A firm handshake was exchange between the strangers. 'Rafael, and thank you for this, you didn't have to'. She studied him, her light brown trying to find his green, although he was avoiding her gaze. 'Your shaking is gone, I'm glad. I was really worried when I saw you almost getting run over by that cab, you looked... lost'. Rafael met her eyes for the first time, her expression was genuine. 'I... I was just thinking. Many things at the same time'. 'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, do you have someone to talk to? Do you want me to call anybody?'

Rafael froze at the question. Who the hell was this woman? And since when was he so easy to read? And, was there anybody really? 'Oh don't worry about that, I'm fine, really it was just a... glitch'. Julieta chuckled at his inability of describing basic emotions. 'I'm going to give you this' she said as she passed a small card with a name and a number. 'she is my therapist, the best of the best'. Rafael politely took the card, making a mental note to discharge it later, nobody in all his years as an attorney, ever convinced him to go to therapy, not even Liv. 'Drink the tea, eat the croissant, and go home Rafael, you'll feel better, and when you are ready, call her'. Julie smiled as she rose from her seat. 'I don't read or watch the news, so I won't find out if you get into an accident while I'm gone, so do me a favor and take care of yourself Rafael, ok?'.

With another smile, Julie turned to leave. Rafael watched, too stunned from the interaction to speak. As she pushed the door, he realized something. 'Julie! Gracias (thanks)'. The brunette winked at him and disappeared through the door.

Chapter Text

He looked at the clock again. The third time in under 15 minutes. This was bullshit. Despite his initial intentions he did not, in fact, throw the card that Julie gave to him. When he arrived home (this time he looked both ways before crossing the street), the card gracefully fell from his pocket, almost laughing at him. And he found himself calling the number and scheduling an appointment for next week. He had almost forgotten about it, when a secretary called him the day before to confirm the appointment. Mierda (shit), Rafael cursed under his breath. Out of politeness (or spite?) he decided to go.

He was the only one in the waiting room. The clock on the wall indicated that he should have passed by now. But the psychologist was nowhere to be found. The secretary, unbothered, mentioned to him that she was running late, and that he could wait or reschedule. Barba sighed, it was a bad idea after all. He decided to leave and as he walked through the door, he felt the impact of a person colliding directly with his chest.

'We can't keep meeting like this Rafael'. Rafael looked down to see Julie, a bright smile with a hint of mischief on her face. He smiled back. 'You seem to have a gift for finding me after embarrassing situations'. Now she laughed. 'Or maybe you are intentionally crashing into my usual places'.

'I wouldn't bother to go there, she is not coming, the secretary sent me home'. Julie frowned as she took her coat, revealing a navy scrub underneath. 'I ran here thinking I was late, well, I guess I'll reschedule, you know these things happen to me...'. Unfortunately, Rafael wasn't able to hear that every so often Julie had bad luck with all kinds of appointments. He was focused on the multiple tattoos that decorated her body: a dreamcatcher on her right arm, followed by some stars and constellations that reached her right hand. On the left side, some butterflies swirled around her bicep, while daisies, don't forget mes, and lavenders were imprinted on the bottom part. There was another tattoo that hid behind her neck, the corners could be seen slightly, although Rafael couldn't really figure out what shape it was.

'Anyway, I'm glad you decided to come'. He looked up. There was something so fascinating about her eyes. They were brown, but more like a honey brown. And her gaze. He realized. She was not judging him. In fact, she surely had no idea who he was. After the Drew baby case, Rafael felt as if everybody knew who he was, he felt judgment from strangers and coworkers. Hell, even Liv's eyes had a hint of sorrow every time she looked at him. But Julie's eyes were full of curiosity. And kindness. Call him crazy, but it was refreshing to be with someone who knew nothing about him. So he stared a little more, not knowing that Julie had stopped talking a minute ago and was waiting for him to say something.

'Well, I guess I'll go back to work then'. He didn't know where the following words came from. 'Where are you heading? Maybe we could share a cab?' 'That sounds nice, I'm actually heading for the 13th precinct, if it is on your way'. Rafael froze. 'Are you a cop?', 'Nope, I'm an M.E., I have to go to give a report to the sergeant, then I'll go back to the OCME for the rest of the day'. 'Then it is set'. Liar. Rafael's house was on the other side of the city.

As they left the building, Rafael couldn't help but chuckle at the awkwardness of the situation. Was he so desperate for human connection? She was just a stranger, that literally crashed into his life a week ago. And he found himself drawn to spend time with her, only to feel something, anything.

On the other hand, Julie was excited. She loved human connection, as most of the time she dealt with dead people. Her family was all about community, and more often than not, she was drawn to those who needed some help. And oh boy, the man next to her needed to talk with someone. It was weird being a New Yorker with her personality. Most of the time people ignored everyone else, too busy with their own thoughts. But not Julie. That's why he noticed him. Little did Rafael know that she also took the long way the other day, in order to follow him from the courthouse to the street where she saved him. She saw him, and couldn't help but feel that something was off. And decided to help, 'cause that's what she does.

Rafael was mesmerized as Julie pointed out strange details on their way to the precinct. A water inlet covered in happy faces stickers, Julie's favorite bagel place (only because the sign had a dog dressed as a bagel), and the flowers Ms. Ronan displayed on her window... Details that made her smile or remember a fun fact or story. He never noticed those things. He never noticed anything. Well, he was noticing something right there, that both individuals in the back seat of the car were polar opposites. And for the first time, he didn't hate that.

Chapter Text

The walk from the 13th precinct to the OCME was around 15 minutes long, but for Barba, it felt like seconds. Seconds filled with information about her companion and, surprisingly, himself. After arriving at the precinct, he decided to leave Julie there, not wanting to go inside, risking an encounter with familiar faces. However, as he was walking down the street, the fast steps and his name being called, made him turn around, seeing Julie already out and smiling. Always smiling.

She learned that he was Cuban and a single child and that he grew up in the Bronx with his mom and abuelita. He learned that she was Mexican, first-gen and that her parents crossed the border through the Rio Bravo after spending some time in Tamaulipas. She learned about his scholarship to Harvard and his past job at SVU, and he learned that she already had a doctorate in forensic science.

'So, why forensics? don't get me wrong, but you don't look like your average M.E.'. Julie laughed. 'People often tell me that. Truth be told, I wanted to be a lawyer first; however, in my first semester, I discovered that I was more interested in how the evidence was collected rather than how to use it in court. So, I changed my major. Also, at the time, many Latinas disappeared or were murdered. No le interesamos a la policía (the police don't care about us), so many cases were closed or not even taken. I decided to focus on research to stop the backlog and hopefully help to solve cases for our people'.

There was something so powerful about Julie's motivation and the love for her job that generated a warm sensation in Rafael's chest. 'How do you deal with all that?'

'Well, I don't take my work home. Also, I have many hobbies: I like to do yoga at Central Park on the weekends, I play the guitar for my church's choir, I try to learn my mom's recipes, I go to a place to dance every Friday night, I babysit for my neighbors at the barrio... even at work I try to listen to music or talk with my bodies...'

'Wait, what?'

'I am Mexican. Death has a different meaning for us. When I see a body on my table, I like to talk to them, ensuring they're in a safe place now. If they have tattoos with a band or artist name for example, I try to play music from said artist. They have suffered enough, and I try to make their journey as pleasant as possible while at the same time providing them justice.'

'That is... so beautiful. I've never thought of that.'

'And you? How did you cope with all of those cases all those years?'

'Scotch mainly'. Barba laughed, but Julie didn't. 'Really? You never talked to anybody about the cases? How much are you carrying with you?'. The smile faded on Rafael's lips. He knew that all his years working at SVU had taken a toll on his mental health. It was a silent agreement that everyone on that precinct had. He could see the same darkness in everybody's eyes and the repercussions on their personal lives as well. And while the detectives had psychological evaluations when the cases became too much or too personal, nobody thought of the all-cool, all-distant A.D.A. He knew why: usually, district attorneys don't get too involved; they limit the interactions with the victims only to prepare them for trial. He used to be like that. But Liv and her squad had to come into his life and turn him into this compassionate, unconditional, and sensible person (on the inside, well-hidden, of course). And with that, every non-guilty verdict, every mistrial became a punch more and more difficult to avoid each time.

He didn't notice Julie holding his hand, giving him small squeezes of reassurance. 'You are a very brave man, Rafael. You have given justice to so many. Let some kindness come into your life; you deserve it. I have to go now, but don't hesitate to call me if you ever need someone to talk to... or teach you how to dance your worries away'. Julie took a pen from her purse and wrote a cellphone number on Rafael's hand, alongside a happy face.

Chapter Text

Over the course of the next 2 months since their last encounter, Rafael and Julie talked occasionally, mostly about random themes, music, food, places in New York... It was easy talking to her, she usually had a fun story to tell, or something new that she learned during the day. Barba quickly realized that Julieta was a very intelligent woman. Despite his initial doubts, Rafael tried his best to not let Julie be the only one initiating the conversation, after all, he was the one who sent the first text.

The text exchange wasn't daily, if you were thinking it was like that. Usually two or three texts a week. The last one was a voice message, where Julie happily told him that her latest manuscript had been accepted, and that the corresponding article was going to be published next Friday. Barba smiled as he listened to his friend (are they friends now?) telling him about the abstract and that she found an amazing program to create illustrations for her methodology. Meanwhile, he was closing his suitcase, making sure he didn't forget anything.

Iowa.

He got the call about a week ago. There was an alleged election fraud and needed "the best of the best". He accepted mainly because, when could he brag again that Calhoun called him like that and recommended him?, but also because he needed to change his scenery. New York was becoming too familiar, but not in a good way.

He called his mother to let her know. He also tried to call Liv, but she never answered. Her nanny told him that work has been specially though these days. He made a mental note to call her once he was installed, her birthday was coming up anyways. Then there was Julie. They hadn't seen each other in months, but she managed to become a part of his life that Barba didn't know he needed. More often than not, he found himself noticing small details that Julie had made him notice. He started listening again to his old records, the ones he heard with his abuelita, the ones that his father didn't manage to break as a punishment.

There was a part of him that has always resented his Latino side; that name and that last name closed many doors for him and made him visible, not in the way he wanted. But seeing Julie's strong community ties, her pride, and the fact that she still lived in Washington Heights with her pueblo, inspired him to start digging into that side of his life with other eyes.

___________________________________________________________________________

The call took her by surprise. It was late, and she was preparing to go to "La Bamba", a Latino-inspired outdoor restaurant whose main attraction was the dance floor and the drinks. Julie loved to dance: alone, with her girlfriends, with a partner... it didn't matter. Not that she had good luck with the later, it has been a while, much to the disdain of her mother.

'Hey you! How are you?'

'Better, thanks, and you?'

'Glad to hear that, I'm great.'

'I'm sorry to be calling this late, but I needed to let you know.'

'Everything alright?'

'Yes, yes... I'm... I'm moving to Iowa.'

Julie's stomach sank.

'Oh...'

'I was asked to work on an election fraud case for a couple of months.'

Silence on the other side of the line.

'Thanks for telling me, I'll try to text you earlier since we are gonna be one hour apart. And well... this is going to sound crazy, but I was just heading out to La Bamba, the restaurant that I told you about, do you want to come? The music is great, also the drinks, and I love to dance there... but you don't have to, though. Just a small goodbye and a celebration for your new job.'

'I'd love that.'

Chapter Text

Of course he knew how to dance. "Hijo de Cubanos tiene que saber bailar (a son of Cubans needs to know how to dance)" his abuelita used to say, as she dragged 8 year-old Rafael to the living room and turned the volume up. Benny Moré, Compay Segundo and Celia Cruz resonating in the loudspeakers. A guitar that was a little too big for him (he used to be teased around for always being a little shorter than the rest) on his lap, learning the chords for different boleros that Catalina Diaz sang with pride and nostalgia in her eyes. He knew how to dance. He just didn't. Anymore.

But after hanging up, he noticed the grin that had not left his lips. A sense of relief came over him. That door Julie had left open, that readiness to continue their talks... Rafael wanted to get away from New York to breathe again, but the fact that he had someone waiting for him, who genuinely wanted to stay in touch with him, made him feel wonderful. So he accepted.

When he arrived, he was pleasantly surprised. The place was nicely illuminated by small light series; a small bar at the corner, a live band playing next to it; there were wood benches with people laughing and dining; and right at the middle, the dance floor. He noticed her immediately. Any other man would have seeing the swaying of her hips at the rhythm of the bachata, or the strap dangerously falling off her shoulder, or how that green dress accentuated her features and complimented her eyes. But Rafael saw her. The smile and little laughs that she made while whirling to the beat, her tattoos in full disclosure, the vitality and joy that emanated from her...

When the music stopped, she turned into his direction. 'Hey you', she said, approaching. 'Hey', he answered. 'Do you want something to drink?'

'To new beginnings'. Their glasses clinked with the red wine Rafael insisted on paying. 'I'm actually really glad that you are leaving. Don't get me wrong, it sucks knowing that you'll be far away from here, but it's going to be so good for you returning to work and being in a new place.'

Rafael smiled. 'But as you said, we have technology, we can still text, maybe even FaceTime sometime...'

Julie lowered her gaze. 'I actually saw you the other day, at Central Park.'

'Wait really?, why didn't you say hi?'

'I don't know, I guess I didn't want to bother you. Sometimes I feel I talk too much or that I am very insistent when I send messages, especially to people I just met.'

'Don't ever apologize about that. Your crazy stories are the best part of my days, I actually miss them when I don't get a text from you.'

'Then I'll have to have more crazy stories so that you don't feel alone in Iowa'.

They both smiled. There was a comfortable silence between them. Little did they know that in other circumstances, they both would feel awkward and out of place, not knowing what to say, but there they were.

'Promise me something'. Rafael raised an eyebrow. 'That you are going to be ok, and work on whatever your heart needs.' 'I'll try my best. But you have to promise me something in return.' It was Julie's turn to raise an eyebrow. 'That you won't stop being you'. Green met brown, a small smile on both faces. It was a promise.

A familiar tune started playing.

"Detén el tiempo en tu manos

Haz esta noche perpetua

Para que nunca se vaya de mi

Para que nunca amanezca"

(Stop time in your hands

Make this night perpetual

So that she will never leave me

So that it will never dawn)

The words left his mouth before he even had the chance to react. 'Dance with me?'

Chapter Text

Julie’s last moments as a 29-year-old could only be described as a magical blur.

She didn’t tell him her birthday was the next day. As soon as the song ended, Rafael kissed gently her hand and said his last goodbye. Julie couldn’t move as she watched him exit the restaurant and become another silhouette in the dark. She smiled and then ran to the restroom. God she was great hiding that she was drunk. Well she wasn’t that drunk, just a little tipsy from the cocktails that she drank while waiting for him. She got to the point where she thought he wouldn’t come, and started drinking, accepting strangers offers to take her to the dance floor. But then he appeared.

It was quite obvious for outsiders that her companion was a rare dancer (very, very, very rare), as his movements were sometimes stiff or uncoordinated, compared to her natural and usual rhythm. But those two and a half minutes that the song allowed her to dance with Rafael Barba, were the closest she could have been to perfection. She was dancing with the most intense green eyes she had ever seen. With his arms delicately placed on her hips as her hand barely closed behind his neck. She was guiding him, very subtly. And the world around them slowly disappeared.

Back to reality, Julie decided to go home.

The next morning, a call from her boss woke her up. You see, Julie was on the verge of becoming the next head Medical Examiner for the OCME, as Dr. Melinda Warner was stepping down and retiring probably next year. They were looking for someone capable and without precedents (as the last Deputy Chief, Dr. Carl Rudnick, turned out to be a serial killer) and the office took notice of the young researcher. Her original contract was strictly for research purposes, as she and her team were focused on discovering ways of gathering evidence that was supposed to be lost or too degraded to be processed, and she was fine with that.

But after meeting the ex-A.D.A, she got curious about using her skills on the field, and applied for the promotion, thinking she would never be considered. Boy she was wrong. Melinda immediately took her under her wing, training her to be her successor despite not having a resolution from the higher bosses. While she was grateful with her, the position of her “assistant” was not paid, and Julie was balancing two other jobs on top of that: she helped PhD students interested on genetics and biophysics, and tutored them for their thesis (in fact, the call was to let her know that she had a new student, a transfer from California). The other job was as a private M.E. for the Organized Crime division; that one was new, she needed extra money to pay for the pacemaker that saved his father's life earlier this year. She liked it though, but mostly her work has been remote, as she was mainly a consultant for a division working undercover in Italy, and they were pretty secretive about it.

At her laboratory, there was a tall man, with a beard and tanned skin. Usually when men arrived at her lab looking for their next boss, the rather slim, tattooed covered (she fought hard with HR to let her display her skin as much as she liked), pierced and young woman took them by surprised, on the best days; on the worst days, she was ignored and called the assistant or secretary or the “kiddo”. But this guy happily shook her hand and started asking her questions about her latest paper (that was published that morning), declaring himself a “fan”.

‘Sorry, I missed your name’
‘Oh, pardon me, I’m PhD candidate Nick Amaro.'

Nick was a nice guy, a little clumsy when it came to lab work but that would pass. They went to eat lunch together, in order to get to know each other as they would be working closely for at least a year. She learned that he was married and had two children, and that he used to be a detective, but decided to leave in order to give more peace and stability to his family.

As her phone rang for the third time (she didn’t use her phone while working, for sanitary reasons), she realized. You are fucking 30, Julieta.

‘¿Bueno? Mami perdón, me salió trabajo. No, no sabía lo de la comida, si me esperas llego en 30 minutos. Perdón’ (Hello? Mom sorry, I had to work today, No, I didn’t know about dinner, if you wait for me I’ll be there in 30 minutes). A loud ‘¿cómo se te ocurre ir a trabajar el día de tu cumpleaños y en sábado? (how dare you go to work on your birthday and on a satuday)’ resonated as she hung up.

‘Sorry Nick, I have to go, family business. Be ready to start on Monday ok?’. ‘Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday?’. Julie froze, ‘you speak Spanish?’

Amaro laughed, ‘el apellido me delata, soy cubano (the last name gave me up, I’m Cuban)’. Julie smiled as she thought on another Cuban that she had recently met. ‘Oh well, as you heard, my mami is going to give me a hard time if I don’t go, it was great meeting you Nick, I’m really looking forward to work with you.’

‘Same here. Feliz cumpleaños Dra. Márquez (Happy Birthday Dr. Márquez)’. ‘Call me Julie, you are one of mine.’

Milagros Ruiz was not happy. She had cooked all morning and cleaned her house in order to give her only daughter a pleasant surprise for her birthday, but she decided that work was more important. She couldn’t really blame her, she took her stubbornness from her: she pursued her doctorate not having yet finished her masters, and fought against people that looked down at her for being a woman and the daughter of immigrants. She was in a very good place now and she was proud.

And at the same time, she could see how life was slowly drifting away from her. She didn’t have a boyfriend. Correction, she hadn't had a formal boyfriend in 29, not 30 years, just casual dates that Milagros was sometimes and sometimes not aware of. And it’s not that she wanted to see her in white yet, or become an abuela. It was that she saw how lonely she was. She also was struggling with money, especially after Julio’s heart attack and surgery. Her insurance didn’t pass and they had to spend all their savings. A partner could at least provide her with some company during the hard times, taking some of the weight off her emotional burden, and allowing her to be more vulnerable at times. She didn’t remember the last time she saw her cry.

As Julie opened the door, she suddenly felt two pair of strong arms bringing her into a hug. Her father gave the best ones.

‘Mija, Feliz cumpleaños, ven, tu mama preparó mole. Dile que para la próxima me deje ayudar, no soy un enfermo inútil- (My daughter, happy birthday, your mother prepared mole. Tell her that next time, I have to help, I’m not an useless patient-) ‘Julie left him in the dining room, still complaining about his wife’s attempts of taking care of him. Her mother received her with an equally warm hug and a plate of her favorite dish.

When they finished, a small chocolate cake was placed in front of her. A single candle lit as she listened to her parents sang “las Mañanitas”. ‘Make a wish Julie, want something, want something.’ Her father said affectionately.

As she blew her lonely candle, her mind wandered, not knowing what to wish. Then she felt a small vibration from her phone.

‘Just getting settled in Iowa, want to talk?’

Chapter Text

They talked until midnight for him and 1 AM for her.

Milagros and Julio could hear faint laughs from their daughter’s room as they prepared to sleep. Ever since Julie moved from her parent’s apartment, they had a tradition of letting Julie stay with them on her birthday. It wasn’t common for her to say goodnight at 10 PM, so Milagros and Julio stood up a little longer to know what was going on with their daughter. Unfortunately for them, she had put her earphones on, but the conversation, at least on her side, was filled with questions for someone who was apparently in Iowa.

Despite being away from him for only 24 hours, seeing him on the little screen of her phone gave her so much joy. Apparently, it was also snowing over there and Rafael had forgotten his gloves. She laughed as he recreated his embarrassing attempt to take money from an ATM using his coat as an extended glove. After a few hours of him describing his new place, her asking questions, and both of them recalling anecdotes (deviating multiple times from the original topic), Rafael quietly stared at her.

‘Where are you? That is not the decoration you have in your apartment.’

‘Ok stalker?’

Rafael laughed. ‘Nothing like that. I remind you that I’m an attorney, I thrive at remembering details from people. And also, I also love vintage maps.’

Julie lowered her gaze, smiling as she recalled her map of Latin America hanging in her living room.

‘I’m actually at my parents.’

‘Oh, everything alright? Is your dad ok?’

‘Yeah, yeah, thanks for asking. Everything is fine, I usually stay with them on special occasions.’

‘And what would that special occasion be?’

‘Well’ she said as she looked at the clock beside her bed: 00:55. ‘I’ve just concluded my first day as a 30-year-old.’

Rafael’s face fell. ‘What?! Why didn’t you tell me it is your birthday?!’

‘It doesn’t matter, really. My parents are the ones that make a big deal about it.’

‘Why don’t you? I mean you are young, you are great at your job, you probably have many friends. You do a lot for your community. You deserve a day to be just about you.

‘Who are you a what did you do my Rafael Barba?’ They both laughed ‘I didn’t know you are a birthday fan yourself.’

‘I am not. But…’

‘But?’

‘But I think that… If you could see yourself from the perspective of others, myself included, you would see how celebrated your life is. God, you should have told me, I would have pushed my moving date.’

Julie didn’t know what to say. For many reasons, her birthday was always bittersweet, not that she wanted to tell the whole story right now, and she was always okay with the smallest of celebrations from her parents only. But thinking of spending that day with Rafael, sent shivers down her spine.

‘No you wouldn’t.’

‘You underestimate me Julieta Márquez. On my side, it is still your birthday, what do we do in two minutes to compensate?’

‘I don’t know…’

‘What did you wish for? And don’t tell me it won’t come true if you say it out loud, we both know that is not true.’

‘I did not wish for anything…’

‘Come on, something, 1 min left.’

‘I wish…’ she stopped for one second. They were looking straight into each other’s eyes. If there wasn’t a screen between them or 1,079 miles between them, you bet they would be holding hands. ‘I think we both know what I’m wishing for right now…’

‘I’ll make sure it comes true then. Feliz cumpleaños, preciosa (happy birthday, precious).’

Chapter Text

She almost messed up two songs at mass the following day. Her guitar was suddenly too heavy and the choir was particularly out-of-tune. It has been definitely a bad idea to stay up that late, but it was totally worth it.

Julie was not religious per se, but she knew how important the catholic church was for her family and the immigrant community in the Heights. So, she was happy to help. It was also an opportunity to catch up with her friends and other people from the barrio. And while everybody was praying or listening to the lectures, her mind usually drifted away. Usually with work-related stuff. Usually. But now she could only think of Rafael Barba. It was honestly a miracle that she wasn’t prone to blushing, otherwise, the entire barrio would be talking about her.

She wasn’t thinking straight. God she had a PhD but surely she was so stupid at times. She didn’t have a slight crush on Rafael. Of course not. It had been only a little over two months since he met him. A little over two months of getting to know him and talking every week… It was wrong, totally wrong. Starting with the fact that Rafael needed to solve his personal issues and Julie was definitely not the woman of the process, enough dates with men and women that were walking red flags for her.

But his eyes. Oh his eyes. He had those characteristic attorney eyes, unreadable, calculating, and cold… which warmed every time they talked. She knew that he kept some things private, especially related to his past work (when she mentioned that she remembered when the scandal with Alex and Yelina Muñoz, as one of the victims was her neighbor, his eyes turned cold), but also that he was really honest with her. He told her about his father, and the bullying he endured during his childhood and teen years, and while he almost ended every crude anecdote with sarcasm and a smirk (he was Rafael Barba after all), she could tell he was comfortable talking to her. There was this trust and confidence when she almost began talking about the situation with her mother… “No pressure, when you are ready, even if that is never”, he told her.

“The eyes chico, they never lie”

There was an unspeakable connection between them. They could talk about the most mundane topics, like the weather, the radio broadcast, the ridiculous limit of books that librarians allowed to check out (to no one surprise, they both were bookworms), and how pie was superior to cake. But other times they would talk about their childhoods, the love-hate relationship with their jobs, and the hardships of being a Latino in a very American field of work. And of course, the confessions of being afraid of the future, the hidden imposter syndrome, and the necessity of human connection.

Despite having solid opinions and differences, they both felt enough confidence in each other to express themselves. The intellectual challenge was definitely the thing they found the most attractive about each other, though they would find out that much later.

And with that, Julieta felt something funny in her heart and stomach every time they talked, and after last night, each time she thought of him. She wanted to feel that she was confusing admiration with love. She wanted that. She needed that.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Ok, what if he did in fact need a little bit of courage liquid to send that message and video-call her so late?

As soon as he read “sure, give me 10” he panicked. He arrived in Iowa at 4 PM and went straight to his designated apartment. It wasn’t bad, but he was a New Yorker at heart, so you know. He wasn’t due to start working until next Tuesday, so he decided to go buy groceries, specifically booze; he knew he would need it.

He proceeded to embarrass himself in front of no one, just his reflection at the ATM as he struggled to push the buttons. Why did he forget his gloves? He checked the weather before coming.

When he returned, he looked at the assembly of books he had brought, but nothing was enough interesting at the moment. Sherlock Holmes was watching him impatiently, “The Sign of the Four”. ‘Did you know that in The Sign of the Four, Sherlock Holmes used fingerprints for evidence 11 years before it was used for the first time in real life?’ Julie’s excited voice resonated in his head. He smiled. He loved those little fun facts that she casually said mid-conversation. She was so smart.

In line with that, he decided to look up some of her research online. Her body of work was impressive and clearly she was doing something right if she was already a first author. Rafael wasn’t a science man. He understood a little of forensics because his work required it, but beyond that, he was clueless. Therefore, he was surprised to see a small link included in all of her papers. The link retrieved the reader to a blog, where an average-reader version of the paper could be found. In both English and Spanish. She truly was something else.

Relying on the blog (who was he kidding?), he almost read all of her publications, as the liquor on his glass slowly disappeared. The language she used on the website was how she usually spoke, so Rafael was grinning like an idiot. I should call her. And we know what happened next.

_______________________________________________________________________________

When the mass ended, Julie was ready to go home and hide under the table. It was a silly defense mechanism that she used since she was little whenever she felt too many emotions. With that said, let’s be clear that the table refers to any table. Yes, even the one in the morgue, much to Warner's annoyance.

But while she was leaving, she found a familiar face. Nick was there with a woman she assumed was his wife and two kids, a boy and a girl. He waved at her and approached.

‘Julie! Let me introduce you to my wife, Cynthia, and my kids, Zara and Gil.’

‘It is a pleasure to meet you, Nick is really excited to work with you.’ Julie laughed as she saw the angry stare that Nick gave Cynthia. ‘Well, let’s see how that goes’. Both women laughed.

‘Actually, we were heading to lunch, do you want to join us?’ Cynthia said. Julie silently thanked whoever was responsible for the much-needed distraction. ‘Yeah, let’s go.’

‘I love your tattoos; they are really cool,’ Zara said, watching her. ‘When you are old enough, I’ll take you to my usual place, just don’t tell your father.’

Chapter Text

She spent the rest of the day at the Amaro household, a tradition that would continue each Sunday for the following months. They were nice people, Cynthia had this dry sense of humour that matched Julie’s and Nick was becoming the main target of jokes for both women. The kids were also really nice: Julie was always prone to interact with children, although, she didn’t want to become a mother. It was almost midnight when she received a text from another Cuban. “Hey, wanna talk?”

Julie quietly returned her phone to her back pocket. She wasn’t ready to talk to Rafael, especially after today’s realizations. She was scared to confirm that she was indeed attracted to him. So she decided to wait till she was home to reply.

_______________________________________________________________________________

It was as if the only three people in his life has suddenly decided to ignore him. Liv was nowhere to be found; his mother simply replied that she was hanging up with some friends; and Julie didn’t reply at all, despite seeing his message. Barba’s mind started having intrusive thoughts. That happened more often than he wanted to admit, especially when loneliness started to hit him. That’s when he would usually call either a man or a woman of company, if you know what I mean. Casual sex was fun, no strings or feelings involved, but they also required the constant reminder that he would be sleeping alone eventually. He was tempted to call after finding the correspondent website in Iowa, but he stopped as he saw the Sherlock Holmes book.

Julie

It was stupid.

It was stupid because is never going to happen. He is 12 years older than her, completely out of his league, and a very stressed-not-romantic attorney. It was also the first time in years that he felt butterflies in his stomach. Well, no. He kinda felt like that a little bit for a while for Liv; again, he felt attracted to an intelligent and powerful woman. But he quickly discarded his feelings, especially after watching her relationships with Cassidy and Tucker, and realizing that that woman needed a friend, rather than a partner, at that moment. She was like his sister. His annoying sister at times.

The awaited message appeared on his screen “sorry, I was out with some friends, I’m home now, Facetime?”

‘Hey there my favorite Iowan.’

Rafael laughed ‘Don’t you dare, I’ll always be a Bronx boy, preciosa.’

The nickname made her heart flutter, and she lowered her gaze, a sign that Rafael quickly learned meant that she didn’t know what to say.

‘So, how was your day?’

‘Pretty productive actually, I got to know my new office and got to date with my e-mails. And you?’

‘I went to have lunch with my future PhD candidate assistant and his family; they are really nice.’

‘That’s fantastic. Hey, I was actually thinking of you earlier on. Look at what I got.’ He said as he showed her his copy of “The Sign of the Four”.

‘Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is always a good company; hey did you know that in that book-‘

‘-Sherlock Holmes used fingerprints as evidence years before it was actually implemented in real life? Yeah, a really smart girl told me.’

‘You remembered… anyway, it’s a great book. I actually made a compulsive purchase on my way home.’ Rafael watched as Julie showed him the cover of her latest addition “Arsène Lupin, Gentleman Burglar”.

‘No way!’ He said as he showed her the exact same book. Julie laughed ‘What if… you put Sir Conan Doyle on hold and we read Lupin together? We can read one chapter, you and one me, through FaceTime.’

Rafael smiled. Julie smiled.

Barba broke the silence ‘Here is a fun fact I bet you didn’t know. Did you know that the entire Lupin series is about 26 books long?’

‘Then by the time we meet in person we will have read 26 books together.’

Rafael smiled. Julie smiled.

Chapter Text

In reality, they only read 25 of the 26 books in the series. Every night they would talk a little bit about their days and read four or five chapters, one Julie and one Barba. Sometimes, one or both of them were still at work when “reading time” arrived, so they would keep each other company even if not a single word was exchanged for hours. Rafael got to see her doing tests and data management, and she saw him gathering information and writing possible statements. It was a beautiful and comforting dynamic that both enjoyed deeply.

There were days when they would just talk, usually between books. A good glass of wine and take-out accompanied the heart-to-heart conversations. On one of those nights, both came out to each other. On another, Rafael told her the truth about his relationship with Yelina and how he never got to date for real after that. On another, Julie told him how she believed she was cursed and her history of wrong guys that lasted the most a month.

On one particular night, Julieta felt confident enough to tell him about her past and her family history. Per usual, she used humour to dismiss the harshest parts, something she learned from him; however, she didn’t notice she was shaking, and her voice was merely a whisper at times. Rafael watched her as tears formed and threatened to fall but never managed to. His eyes mirrored her, and at that moment, he wanted nothing more than to hold her in his arms. He was thankful he was only one week away from returning to New York. From returning to her.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Things in the lab have been quite stressful. There were many experiments to do and also many tests required to do before the evidence was no longer available. However, Nick turned out to be an excellent student. And also a really fun person to be around.

Their routine consisted of arriving at 8:00, and one would clean and prepare the equipment, while the other would arrange the designated playlist. A small speaker was placed on a shelf and so the work began (and the music). Sometimes boleros would be their companion; other times Taylor Swift; they would sing along The Beatles and do small dances while waiting for the PCR tests to be completed with La Sonora Santanera in the background.

Julie was nothing like the people in Academia that Amaro had previously encountered. She was funny, patient, and a really good teacher. And at the same time, she was tough on him and the rest of her lab mates, demanding and a perfectionist. There was a reason why the research division was getting more and more attention, positive most of the time.

Nick sometimes regretted his decision to leave his detective work to become a scientist; he missed the action, the investigation, and the questioning of the suspects. But he was getting increasingly excited with each experiment, each hypothesis, and each draft for a promising paper. Julie saw that, and because of that, she was heartbroken when he had to leave mid-stay to take his exams and mandatory lectures. He would be back at the end of the year to finish his pre-doctoral stay, but still…

She helped Cynthia and the kids with their luggage as goodbyes were exchanged at the airport, promising zoo visits, shopping sprees, and bar nights on their return.

And with that, she was alone again.

______________________________________________________________________________

‘Hey Rafa’

Liv’s face appeared on his screen as he sat his drink at the Des Moines Airport's only open bar.

‘Hey Liv, it’s been awhile, how is life?’

‘Where to being?’

Liv proceeded to tell him about some of the cases she had worked on the previous months, each darker than the previous. Being away from SVU for several months, Rafael became unaccustomed to hearing details of such cruel crimes. He silently thanked that Julie and he never talked about the specifics of their jobs, as he knew the people she saw at the morgue probably went through the things that Liv was describing to him, and he didn’t want to go back to those days, never again.

He also learned that Rollins had another baby, and Noah was going through a complicated phase, especially regarding food. He listened to the little Noah’s antics with earnest admiration for his friend; Rafael could never do all the things she did, especially regarding the kids' subject.

After a while, Liv went silent. ‘I’m the worst person in the world; I’ve just been talking about myself and work, what about you? And why are you in an airport?’

‘Well, I don’t know what you usually do at airports, but I wait for my flight.’

‘Very funny. Anything interesting lately?’

Rafael hesitated for a moment. I mean he could tell her about work and moving to Iowa, but he didn’t know if he should tell her about Julie. They never really discuss their personal relationships; the two boyfriends that Liv had throughout their work together, Rafael only found out by mistake. He decided to wait, at least until he had the chance to talk to her in person again, meanwhile, he had to improvise.

‘Oh, plenty. Did I mention that I’m running for president?’ Both laughed. ‘Anyway, don’t worry about me. They’re announcing my flight, and I have to go.’

‘I’m sorry again, bye for now Rafa, take care.’

‘Always.’

As he took his first-class seat, he wondered if he should call Julie to let her know he was coming. He wanted to surprise her, but he would be arriving roughly at 10 PM; it would be challenging to meet anyway. Then realized. It was Friday.

Chapter Text

In almost three years, Julie didn’t want to go dancing. She felt low-spirited after saying goodbye to her friends and Rafael hadn’t answered her texts for a while. She almost dragged herself to her parents’ house, but they were busy with guests and she didn’t want to interrupt. She saw the last book of the Lupin series lying on her couch, a sad smile forming in her lips. She missed him. She wished they would’ve seen each other more times before he left, at least she would remember his smell that way. She was afraid of asking how long he would stay in Iowa. She was afraid of finishing the book saga: eventually, they would start another book, without a doubt, but, with how many pages do you fill the void of uncertainty?

She watched the time.

11:00 PM.

The restaurant was open till 2:00 AM; there would still be dancers on the floor and drinks served when she arrived. With a last sigh, she changed her clothes to a flowy dark blue dress, put a little makeup on, and left to dance her problems away.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He rushed through the airport and grabbed the first cab he found (he actually stole it from another couple). Miraculously, he arrived in 20 minutes at the open restaurant. He expected to see her dancing the night away or having something at the bar, but the brunette was nowhere to be found. He checked the time. 10:30 PM. That’s weird. She usually arrived at eight and left around 11-12. He decided to wait. He approached the bar, placing his luggage and the overly expensive bouquet bought at the airport on the side.

‘A scotch, please.’

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She was late. Later than she wanted to. Currently, it was 11:50 PM. But Joe saw her walking down the street to take the subway and decided to go with her. He was the “chico malo (bad boy)”, a member of the local gang, not a good influence according to her neighbors. But he was a nice guy, or at least to her. You see, the Velasco family and her family went back many years. Before staying 5 years in Tamaulipas, Mexico, her father was living in Ciudad Juarez, where he met Joe’s mother. Despite Julio crossing the border, they never really lose contact, and he was the only person Joe and his sibling knew when they finally arrived in Manhattan. Unfortunately, the eldest Velasco son went through a dark path, and became a person the neighborhood respected out of fear. Despite this, he always respected and honored the Márquez's kindness, somehow protecting them from members of his own gang. He looked after “la chica bonita y lista (the smart and pretty girl)” and, although they did not consider each other “friends”, they were there whenever it was needed.

Joe left her at the entrance of the restaurant, needing to go back for some “business”. Julie looked around, there was some slow music playing and mainly couples were on the dance floor. She proceeded to go to the bar and asked the barman for her usual drink. All the stools were occupied, except for one. Well, not exactly. There was a lonely bouquet, with daisies, don’t forget mes, and lavenders occupying the seat. Julie picked it up. ‘Hey, are these yours?’ she asked the couple next to her. Negative answers all around. She picked the bouquet, and after asking the barman again, she decided to place it in one of the bushes surrounding the restaurant. “Such a waste”, she thought.

‘Did you know that you can create your own bouquet combinations at a store at the airport?’ a voice behind her asked. She froze. She knew that voice perfectly well.

She turned around. There he was. A dark blue T-shirt, black tailored pants and a jacket of the same color in his hand, a big suitcase in the other. ‘When, how, what…?’ she managed to stutter.

‘Today. In a plane. To stay, we closed the case yesterday.’

Julie slowly approached. She cautiously reached her hands to his sides to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. Her hands traveled to his cheeks, their eyes meeting up close. From the outside, I couldn't tell you who was smiling the most. And then they embraced. A desperate hug that quickly became more relaxed, but still firm. She smelled his cologne, a mixture of wood, with hints of honey. He registered the lavender essence of her shampoo as one of his favorite smells ever. Julie laughed slightly and looked at him, none of them breaking the embrace.

‘I almost missed you. And you almost missed me, I wasn’t gonna come.’

‘Why so?’

‘I don’t know, wasn’t feeling like it.’

‘I’m glad you decided against it.’

‘Me too. Wait! We cannot see each other yet.’

Confusion was palpable on his face, until he realized. ‘I have the last book on my case, we can go to my place.’

Julie lowered her gaze. ‘I’d love that, but after one dance.’

‘All the dances you like preciosa.’ He said, kissing her hand.

Chapter Text

It was a risky move and both of them knew that. They left at midnight and Rafael called a taxi to take them to his apartment. Julie texted Joe to tell him not to worry about her, as she would be staying at a friend’s house. Because that was the truth, right?

Rafael was definitely an attorney. His place was extremely tidy and elegant, everything placed with extreme precision, following a theme and aesthetic that reminded Julie of one of those magazines that the rich people from her college used to read. She also admired his book collection, an elegant bookshelf that occupied an entire wall at the living room, with nice hard-covers of books that went from law principles, to romance and thrillers.

It was a curious parallel between his and her place. While she was also tidy and organized, the small space she managed to afford didn’t let her follow a theme or decorate on a high-class level. Her house was a collection of memories and donated furniture, a splash of color and the green of her plants, a mixture of her Mexican heritage and her New York heart. She could brag to him, that she also had an enormous bookshelf full of books of different origins that contributed to the color and textures of her house. Her dad and Joe had to come three times to help her repair the bookshelf, because with each new book, the wood was becoming more and more weathered, to the extent that on one occasion, Julieta was almost crushed by it.

In other situations, Julie would have been anxious, discovering how different she was from the person she was hanging with, but despite the unlikeliness of their lives, she felt the most secure when she was with Rafael.

Barba returned to the scene, with the promised book and a cup of tea. Cinnamon. And so they began to read, the unique copy forcing them to sit right next to each other. But the drinks, the hot tea, the dances, and the time, played in favor of sleep, which defeated them at the end of chapter three. It wasn’t a romantic scene, as Julie took the couch and Rafael, well, he ended up on his floor, after a sleepy kicking battle.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Julie was the first one up. She slowly stood up, remembering where she was and noticing the book on the floor, resting peacefully beside Rafael. A soft chuckle left her lips as she pieced together what ended up happening last night. She could still listen to Rafael snoring quietly, so she decided to cover him up with his jacket (that mysteriously appeared around her shoulders), get up, and handle breakfast.

Not wanting to invade his kitchen, she opted for delivery. After placing her order and deducing her location by the amazing view she had from the window, Julie gathered her things, washed the cups and cleaned up a bit of the space she took up in the night. Afterward, she continued to admire his book collection. There were some details that she didn’t notice last night: there were small wood figurines that decorated some of the shelves, a vinyl collection and a cabinet full of different kinds of liquors. The letter from his scholarship to Harvard was framed in one of the walls, as well as his diploma. Magna Cum Laude. “No podia esperarse menos (could not expect anything else)” she thought. As she though previously, the apartment clearly resembled a picture perfect room, almost too impersonal… Almost. There was only one picture partially hidden on one of the shelves (oh, the contrast with her parents' house, full of pictures, including that embarrassing one from her quinceañera). The frameless picture featured Rafael and two other women, that she assumed, were his mother and abuelita. He was smiling, well, if you could call that awkward smile that teenagers make whenever they are forced to pose for a photo. The kindness in the eldest woman’s eyes mirrored the one she always noticed in Rafael’s.

‘Morning.’ Rafael's raspy morning voice startled her.

‘Morning. I won’t ask you how you slept because I know the answer to that is awful. So, in return, I ordered breakfast. Should be here any minute.’

‘Ha, don’t worry about it, my carpet is quite nice, that’s why I chose it. And thanks.’

‘You have a lovely house.’

‘Thanks. To be honest, I used not to spend that much time here when I worked at the ADA office. Only came here to sleep, and that sometimes.’

‘That explains a lot.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I said you have a lovely house, but, I don’t mean to be rude; it just doesn’t feel like your home.’ She looked at her bouquet resting on the table. ‘The flowers are lovely, and I’m grateful, but I think I’ll leave them here, just lying there they bring so much life into your place.’

“I’d say, without fear of being wrong, that the flowers are not the only reason.” Rafael thought.

‘Breakfast is here; can you help me with the bags?’

They had a lovely time eating breakfast. Without the influence of alcohol and the euphoria of last night, both were beginning to realize that they were facing each other. No screens. No distance. And it was an ineffable feeling: terrifying, but at the same time exciting, confusing, yet clear.

As they were finishing, Julie, with her coffee mug in hand stood in front of the window.

‘It’s a lovely day.’

‘Debatable, the weather forecast predicts rain for the afternoon.’

‘Then let’s take advantage of that.’

_____________________________________________________________________________

Central Park had many things to do, but for Julie, it was enough to walk and admire the scenery. She loved the tall trees so much that she used to be an avid tree climber when she was little. She took great pleasure on noticing the families gathered for picnics, the dogs chasing each other, couples taking pictures for their weddings, the runners, the walkers, the observers… every corner it was like a new adventure for her.

For Rafael, the plan sounded as exciting as watching a haircut. But his companion managed to make him smile, even laugh, with all her occurrences. He had Central Park so close to his place, but it never looked so alive. He followed her, not fighting the strong magnetism that she had on him, even without sharing a single physical touch.

Julie liked to imagine how the life of other people might be, and created stories based on their behavior. ‘Look, you are an attorney, and I get it. You get to work with the victims, or the victim’s families or people that knew them. I just get a body. Or even just pieces, fluids, or other things. I have to use my imagination not to forget that they are people, and that their life mattered to someone. It’s ok if you think that’s odd, but that’s who I am.’ She laughed. ‘You are some piece of work, lady.’ Both laughed. ‘What am I is like this park, out of place.’

‘You’re like this park, very lovely. You-’

A thunder interrupted what Barba wanted to say next. Some light rain started to fall.

‘Well, the weatherman was right after all.’ Rafael sighed as he started walking faster, looking for somewhere to shelter from the rain. ‘What do you want to do?’ ‘I don’t know, do we head back or…?’

He stopped to see Julie walking at a normal pace, slow even. ‘It’s just rain, Rafael, it won’t hurt you.’ He approached her, looking up, trying to see what she was looking. ‘What’s so interesting?’ ‘The rain,’ she lowered her face, staring at him ‘and you’ ‘You are some piece of work, lady.’

They stared at each other, the rain becoming secondary as they got closer. A small pop startled him. From her bag, Julie opened an umbrella. ‘Mujer precavida vale por dos (Cautions woman is worth twice) Did you really think that I was going to let that expensive outfit get ruined?’

‘I would have sent you another bouquet alongside my dry cleaning note.’ Both laughed. ‘If you don’t mind, we could go to my place, I kind of forgot that this dress tends to discolor with water.’ Rafael noticed the trail of blue dye running down her leg. ‘Let’s go then.’

_______________________________________________________________________________

Rafael realized it had been years since his last visit to Washington Heights, and he knew the reason why. It was one of the most important Hispanic and Latino centers in all of New York, the barrio that he wanted to move on from. The streets were filled with people that didn’t even speak English, with families struggling to get by. The people there were deeply proud of their origin, celebrating traditions and sharing culture. Many Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, Colombians, and of course, Cubans.

He knew that, while some people might be proud of him and even look up to him for his accomplishments, his scholarship, and his “rise from the bottom”, after all the things that happened while working with SVU, he indeed was not a “santo de la devoción del pueblo (saint of the people's devotion)”, as his abuelita would say. Hell, he was even threatened in front of the courthouse, and labeled as a traitor for taking Alex Muñoz down, even after he proved his guiltiness.

He followed Julie through some poorly illuminated streets, where some curious faces would randomly appear at the windows. In some occasions, Julie would catch those stares and either wave or flip them. She knew her barrio. She knew she would have to give answer to her neighbors, especially the mothers of the children she used to babysit, but at the time she didn’t care.

They reached her apartment after six flights of stairs. The place was small, but cozy, and yes, it felt like home. ‘Here, take this towel; I’m going to change really quick. Also, take this.’ She said as she handled him a plastic bag. ’It was a welcome gift from when I started to work at OCME; they thought I was a man and sent me some pants and a hoodie that was way too big for me, and it should fit you. The bathroom is over there.’ Julie disappeared to where he assumed it was her room, and he changed into the bathroom. Indeed, way too big for her.

He looked around at the mismatched furniture, the diverse plants that were literally everywhere (even the bathroom), and her massive collection of books. There were pictures everywhere: her with her parents at her graduation, alongside her diploma. Suma Cum Laude. “No podia esperarse menos (could not expect anything else)” he thought; she and her friends at a dinner; she as kid with her dad. It was lovely.

‘Well, look at you. You should do that style more often; it suits you.’ He laughed. ‘Next you are going to convince me to grow a beard.’ ‘Would suit the last name, though.’ Both laughed. ‘Now were where we? Chapter three?’

Rafael took the book from his conveniently water proof backpack. ‘I’ll put some coffee.’

Just as she said that the light went out. ‘Great, another blackout.’

‘Another?’

‘The third one this week, that’s why I couldn’t call you some nights. The electrical service is awful here; it rains a little and all the barrio goes black. I have candles, but it’s going to be hard to read that way, sorry.’

‘Don’t be, where are they?’

Julie and Rafael lighted up her candles, the ten of them. ‘We should have gone to your apartment-‘ ‘No, it’s fine, we can do other stuff. Do you have cards? A portable radio?’ ‘I have Spotify.’

Julie played the playlist of boleros that she used at work. Rafael poured two glasses of water, and the two sat down in front of the window. Julie leaned her head on his shoulder, and he instinctively began to stroke her hair, the scent of lavender making an appearance again. The view was very different from the one they had in the morning, but the company was the same, and that was is really about, isn’t it?

Rafael stood up. ‘What’s wrong?’ ‘Nothing, I just love this song, shall we?’

Julie took his hand and he pulled her closer, wood and honey directly conveying into her nose. It was difficult to see each other as it was getting darker, but the faint sound of the music from her phone speaker and his firm grasp was enough. This time he was leading.

When the music ended, Rafael wanted to tell her that that song reminded him of her, but he couldn’t do so… because a pair of lips were suddenly kissing his.

Chapter Text

He kissed right back, his hands on her lower back, hers on his shoulders. It wasn’t hard, it wasn’t desperate, it wasn’t thirsty. It was sweet, gentle, almost too shy. When they broke, outside there was pure darkness, the small candles surrounding them barely helping. He held her, one of his hands moving towards the back of her head.

After a while, Julie decided to break the silence. ‘Are we really doing this?’

‘I guess so unless you don’t want to…’

‘But I do.’

She touched his cheek. ‘Creo que me gustas, Rafael Barba (I think I like you Rafael Barba).’

‘Creo que me gustas, Julieta Márquez (I think I like you Julieta Márquez).’

‘Stay tonight.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I am not letting you go.’

‘I am not going anywhere.’

________________________________________________________________________________

Milagros cursed for the third time that morning. She almost regretted telling Julio to stay downstairs as she carried the buckets and bags containing the ingredients to make appetizers for those who would attend the protest in the afternoon. When the power went down last night, she wasn’t able to call her daughter to let her know she would be arriving at her place early to make sandwiches. However, she assumed that she would be up and ready to go to mass as always, just as she taught her.

Well, she was wrong.

Her curtains were down, and her plants were not outside on the balcony. On top of that, she wasn’t answering her phone.

A loud knock woke up the two individuals embraced tightly from last night's events.

‘Are you expecting someone?’

‘Mierda. Mierda. MIERDA. (Shit. Shit. SHIT)’

Julie jumped from her bed and frantically looked everywhere for her pajamas. Barba looked at her. Not knowing the context, he just admired the nakedness of her body, her tattoos in full disclosure. That mysterious one that he noticed the first time behind her neck? A cempasuchil flower. Images from last night suddenly came back. Well, sort of. Making love in the dark is an interesting thing to do, as all the other senses come to life, and you realize that sight is not that important. Of course, she was gorgeous now that he was able to see her. But the smell, the sounds, and the sensations they both shared last night were a different kind of intimacy that none of them felt before. One that you could not feel if there wasn’t a powerful connection between the two individuals who gave themselves to each other.

‘Are you really going to let your mother stand here?!’

‘I’m coming mami!’

Realization dawned on him. ‘Is that your mother?’ he whispered. Julie, suddenly remembering the man lying on her bed, nodded, panic visible in her eyes.

‘What do we do?’

‘Unless you want to meet her right now, I suggest you stay really quiet in here, I totally forgot she was coming.’

‘Noted, go, I’ll figure it out.’

Julie closed her bedroom door and opened her front door. ‘Sorry mami, I fall asleep and couldn’t charge my phone.’

‘Mmm, what were you doing?’

‘Nothing?’

‘Don’t lie to me Julieta Marie Márquez. You are all agitated, and you have that look on your face. You are a terrible liar.’

‘Mami, I’m just embarrassed that I forgot. Here, let me help you. ¿Y mi papá? (and dad?)’

‘Downstairs, I don’t want him to carry heavy stuff all the way up here. I left him with the newspaper and his crosswords, don’t worry. Now, 100 sandwiches, Julie, we need to start ahora (now).’

‘Yes, yes, I’ll clean the table.’

‘You do that; I’ll go to the bathroom.’

Julie waited until she heard the bathroom door close, and she went to her bedroom.

‘Ok, now, it’s our chance, you have to go.’

An already-dressed Rafael followed her to her door. Closing it, they stood in the hallway, trying to catch their breath.

‘That’s an awful amount of sandwiches.’ Julie smiled. ‘It’s for the people that are going to the protest; other neighbors are preparing other stuff.’

‘Protest?’

‘A pacific one, to pressure the local government for clean water. Some neighbors have been getting sick because the water is getting dirtier and dirtier. We have called many times to ask for a pipe or the cleaning services, but they don’t really care about us. If you need to know something about Milagros Ruiz is that she is never going to be quiet about social causes. I have had to take her more than 10 times out of the police station when she is arrested during protests.’

‘Impressive.’

‘Look, my dad is downstairs. In the best-case scenario, he doesn’t notice you.’

‘Noted; I’ll call you when I get home.’

‘I’m sorry about this.’

‘Don’t be, be careful, ok? And well, if you need a lawyer…’

‘I’ll call the best one I know.’

With a final quick kiss, Rafael hurried his way down.

________________________________________________________________________________

It was still pretty early, so, there were no noisy neighbors around, and Rafael didn’t interact with anyone until he stepped outside the building. A man sitting on the bench next to the building greeted him.

‘Are you here visiting someone?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘I’ve never seen you before, and judging by your clothes, you don’t live around here.’

‘I don’t, I was just passing by to say hello to a friend.’

‘At 7:30 on a Sunday?’

‘It’s a very early morning friend.’

‘I… see that. And since you are here, would you help me look for my pen? it fell somewhere but I'm too old to be looking on the floor and my wife scolds me if I get too agitated.’

Rafael looked around. The small black pen was hidden between a bush and the wall. ‘Here you go.’

‘Thanks!, I’m just missing one more word and I’m done here… 5 letters. Legal term referring to an inherently immoral act, regardless of whether the action is criminalized… ¿y cómo rayos voy a saber eso? (and how the hell am I supposed to know that?)’.

‘Malum in se. Malum sería la respuesta (Malum would be the answer). It’s from criminal law.’

‘Well, look at that. You are a very kind and smart young man. Your “friend” is a very lucky girl.’ Rafael smiled.

‘I didn’t catch your name.’

‘I’m Rafael, nice to meet you…’

‘Julio. Julio Márquez.’

________________________________________________________________________________

Her mother was telling her something about Doña Silvia, her new oven, and some other things about her friend Laura (?) and her worries about her son. Julie was barely paying attention, making sandwiches automatically, silently praying that Rafael had made it to his house without much trouble. The memories from last night were still very present: Throughout her life, Julie had read many romance books that described declarations of love and acts that would make even the most skeptical person believe in love. For the most part, she wanted to hold on the illusion, but her many failed dates and one-night stands left her emptier and lonelier, destroying any hope. Until she met Rafael. He was definitely not a Mr. Darcy, a Laurie or a Gilbert Blythe, but his sincerity and tenderness were more than enough for her own love story.

‘Now, are you going to tell me who you were talking to earlier?’

‘What?’ Julie answered, suddenly very aware of her daydreaming.

‘Ay mija… I heard you talking with someone when I went to the bathroom; who was it?’

‘Mami… don’t make a fuss about it, ok? I’m seeing someone.’

‘When are you going to introduce him to us?’

‘We literally started dating last night mom, I don’t want to rush things, I actually like this guy.’

‘Just like you liked the other ones, and see how that went.’

‘Mami…’

‘You don’t get to blame me jovencita (young lady). You’ve never brought a man home. I just know that you date, thanks to my girlfriends. You get your father and I hopes up and then suddenly you decide you don’t want them anymore and we don’t even get to meet them.’

‘Just…Trust me on this one, please.’

Milagros looked at her daughter. She did notice a shine in her eyes that she had never seen before. It wasn’t the first time that she had men over and tried poorly to hide that from them. On none of those occasions had she seen that sparkle in Julieta's eyes, her posture, her tone of voice... there was something different. And her instinct told her of a possible connection between that person and the one who had called her daughter on her birthday months ago. The look and the reaction had been the same, slightly bigger this time.

‘Hurry up, we still need more sandwiches.’

Chapter Text

Of course he was her dad, how could he be so stupid? He’s seen the man in pictures all over Julie’s house, and she even warned him about his presence somewhere downstairs. But seeing Julio Márquez in person was rather a sad realization for him. The man was a shadow from the person portrayed in the photos; his deteriorating health was evident; after all he suffered from a heart attack not that long ago. The sadness in Julie’s voice when she told him about that event still haunted him.

On his way home, he felt a hunch, and instructed the driver to change direction and go to the Bronx instead. He needed to visit his mother.

Lucía Barba was surprised to see her son. First he left New York with little notice and then, she barely had news of how he was doing. Then he shows up out of the blue, on a Sunday, hugging her tightly as soon as she opens her door.

‘Rafi! What are you doing here?’

‘What? I can’t visit my mami?’

‘Rafael Barba, por favor (please), how many times have you come out of nowhere? I have to practically beg to see my very busy and important son.’

Rafael flinched at the thought of Julie and her weekly visits and calls to her parents. ‘And I’m sorry about that, en serio (truly).’

‘There is something different about you, what is it?’

‘I don’t know what are you talking about.’

‘I’m your mother, I can read you perfectly Rafi; who is she? Is it Yelina again? I heard she and Alex got a divorce. Please Rafi, tell me that you are not that stupid.’

‘I’m going to pretend that you didn’t say that.’

‘Then?’

‘I’m… seeing someone, mami, she-‘

‘She is coming for dinner right?’ Lucia interrupted.

‘Mom, I don’t want to pressure her. It’s too soon.’

‘You are not a kid anymore, Rafi. I don’t think you’ll ever be a kid again. You better stop playing around.’

A lump formed in his throat. ‘I’m very happy, thanks for asking.’

‘And I’ll be once I meet her, if that ever happens.’

____________________________________________________________________________________

Work was a bitch sometimes. But sometimes, Julie was grateful for that bitch.

She and Rafael have been dating for 2 months now and everything was perfect inside their little bubble. From the beginning they agreed on keeping certain things from when they were friends in the relationship, especially the part about not discussing work when they were together. Rafael started working on the Innocence Project and some private cases, while Julie was getting more and more involved in the Chief Medical Examiner position at OCME under Warner’s wing. She was doing more field work, but, of course, was given the cases furthest from everything and everyone.

They were certainly overworked and exhausted, but the dinners, dances, and book dates haven’t stopped, fortunately. Julie was seemingly keeping it cool, not making a big deal about it, but on the inside, she was freaking out. While officially, they had been together for 2 months, 2 weeks and 4 days; she knew that she began falling in love with him way before that. And with every day that passed, she felt like she could get used to that feeling. She was even thinking about holidays, vacations, and maybe a dog, and that was terrifying. Rafael was way different from any partner she’d ever had, and certainly their relationship was way more mature and serious than ever. Yeah, sex was great, but the connection, the intimacy, and the feeling of belonging, came to break every misconception that she had about a partnership.

And for Rafael, well, let’s say it out loud, he was in love. He had felt the butterflies other times in his life, twice to be precise: Lauren Sullivan in 11th grade; and Yelina, intermittent through his childhood and teen years. There were also moments when he felt them forming, without reaching their full potential, those being interactions with Liv, Rita, and that handsome lawyer he met once. But when Julie’s honey eyes looked at him, there was something so indescribable that he had never felt before. He suspected it when his heart skipped a beat whenever he saw her through his screen, but he knew it when he saw her again, a vision in blue. And with that said, he was afraid of ruining it. He was sure about his feelings: he wanted Julie every day of his life, he wanted to wake up with her, go on vacation, cook together... but he feared that degree of visualization would scare her away.

They would often have sleepovers at Rafael’s place, especially after awfully long days for both of them. Julie didn’t want to admit it, but she would often just arrive at his place to sleep between his arms, and on the days she had to come home to a lonely and cold department, she missed him in a way she didn’t know was possible. Rafael didn’t want to admit that either.

‘What are your plans for the holidays?’ She asked randomly when they were both supposed to be asleep.

‘I usually go skiing in a resort in Switzerland.’

‘Something simple, I see.’

‘Funny. I’ll teach you everything you need to know.’

‘Do you want me to come?’

‘Of course. I’ve already bought our tickets.’

‘Rafa… Thank you, but my parents are going to kill me if I don’t spend Christmas with them. Speaking of, your mom won't be mad at you for not spending Nochebuena (Christmas Eve) with her?’

‘After my abuelita died, our family reunions practically disappeared; there are only two of us. I know it’s sad, but she spends the holidays with her friends in the Bronx.’

‘Then why don’t you go with her?’

‘You know I’m not that welcomed in my hometown. Considering the pressure, it was practically a miracle that she didn’t move.

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

‘Yeah, I’d do anything to make it up to her. I was a real asshole, you know?’

‘Was? Julie smirked’

‘Shut up.’

‘I asked because… my parents are kinda pressuring me to bring you for dinner. And you know, we’ve been very busy with work and stuff and that has been a great excuse, but my vacations are coming soon and I’m running out of pretexts. So I’ll tell them about the trip. It's better to say sorry than to ask for permission, right?’

Rafael became silent. His mother was also curious about the woman who made her son unintentionally want to visit his mother more often, and Rafael was ready for them to meet. The moment had been postponed as the workload of the three of them had not had a common ground, but now he was beginning to suspect that Julie's intentions and desires had another meaning.

‘You don’t want me to know your parents?’

‘Do you?’

‘I do. Am I terrified? Yes. But I think that’s an important step to make.’

‘Well, I know, but I don’t know if it is the right call right now. And it really doesn’t matter.’

‘It matters to me. Why are you acting like this? You are supposed to be the more family-driven from the both of us?’

‘Because I don’t want to lose you already, ok?!’ Julie stood up and faced towards the window.

‘What are you talking about? Julie, preciosa, look at me.’

Julie ignored him. ‘I’ve never, EVER, brought anyone home. In 30 years. No one!’ She spatted. ‘The moment I start thinking about that, about introducing someone as my partner, the moment something bad happens and it’s over. And this thing… these feelings I have for you… they scare me. Because I’ve never felt like this for anyone and I’m tired of acting like you are not a big deal when the reality is that you are the single most important person in my life right now. And if you meet my parents… for me, there’s no coming back from that. It means you are here to stay, and I’ve never gotten this far and I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared! There, I said it!’

Her heart was a beating mess. Her breathing was all over the place. She didn’t want to turn around, since he had turned on the light and could see his expression of her messy rambling. Rafael stood up and placed his hands on her shoulders.

‘You are the single most important person in my life right now. And believe me when I say that if I could erase all of these thoughts I have of you and me in the future, I would. Because they’re terrifying, and I’m terrified of ruining your life if you have me in yours. But I think that, for the first time, I want to walk that path and see what life has for us. And I know you want that too. Come on preciosa. Let’s be scared together.’

____________________________________________________________________________________

They were 20 minutes early. Holding hands, they were in front of the apartment, trying to stay calm. Julie reached for her key and opened the door with a sigh. There were some laughs coming from the kitchen, three to be precise. “Great, now we have to do this in front of one of my parents’ friends,” Julie thought.

‘Mami? Pa? We are here.’ She cautiously opened the kitchen door. Five pairs of eyes looked at each other. The silence was interrupted in a way that none of the present expected.

‘Rafael?’

‘Mami?’

‘Mami?’

‘Yes… Rafael’

‘Julio, how do you know him?’

‘How do you know my dad?’

A loud laugh coming from Julio broke the confusion. ‘Isn’t this nice? Lucia, I’m glad to introduce you to my daughter, Julieta, and apparently your daughter-in-law as well. And he and I need no introduction: I met this kind and smart man when he helped me solve my crossword some weeks ago.’

Lucia Barba stood up from her seat and approached the younger couple. ‘All this time and you didn’t tell me that you were dating the Márquez’s daughter? How many other joys have you been hiding from me?’ With that, Lucia embraced both of them. Julie let out a sigh she didn’t know she was holding. Rafael looked over at Julio, smiling and nodding at him.

Two birds with one stone. The joyful scene was almost too good to be true, until Julie looked at her mother. The thing with Milagros was that you couldn’t really read her, and by her expression, Julie didn’t know if she was glad, angry, relieved, worried, or something else. She knew that she knew that Rafael was the man that Julie had over when Milagros visited. And probably wasn’t that happy to remember that. But there was something else, and Julie would figure it out later. In the meantime, Milagros smiled as she shook Rafael’s hand.

‘Welcome, it is nice to finally meet you. Dinner is almost ready, Lucia you are staying after all, right?’

Chapter Text

They were very lucky to be able to postpone the flights to Switzerland in order to spend Christmas time with their family. It was weird and exciting at the same time; after all, it was a new experience for the five of them and although happiness was the most evident emotion, the uncertainty driven by past events left a trace of awkwardness difficult to hide. There was also another sensation circling the air, though, it was only perceptible to Julie: whatever her mom thought the day she met Rafael. She was quite scared to confront her about it, if it hadn’t been obvious to this point their mother-daughter relationship was… complicated, for many reasons.

While she was pushing the small car through the aisles of the local bodega, Julie tried to calm her nerves and ask as naturally as she could about her opinions and that damn subtle expression that destroyed her illusion of a perfect dinner.

‘So mom’ she said as she placed another bag of frijoles in the car ‘we never got the chance to talk about the dinner with Rafa and his mom. First of all, how do you know Lucia Barba? I didn’t know you were friends, you never mentioned her…’

‘Si te había contado, Julieta (I did tell you, Julieta), you just never pay enough attention to your mother.’

‘Please don’t start…’

‘What? You were the one who wanted to talk, let’s talk. Oh no, I need more tomatoes, let’s go back to that aisle.’

‘Well, did you like him?’

‘I am glad to have Lucia in my family now.’

‘I knew it! You don’t approve it…’

‘Lower your voice. Mija, I can see that he cares about you, he might even love you, I won’t argue that. But we are talking about Rafael Barba.’

‘What does that even mean?’

‘He made his choice, he didn’t want to belong to us, well then, we won’t let him.’

‘I can’t believe you are really doing this. Yes, I know how Rafa feels about belonging in the Latino community, but after everything that happened to him and Lucia? I cannot blame him. He was bullied by the kids, physically and psychologically abused by his father. I’d have run away too. And believe it or not he is finding his roots again, because he knows that it is important to me. And I really don’t care to side with a community that preferred to defend a child pornographer!’

‘Mark my words Julieta: he’s going to prefer his high-society NYPD friends rather than you when the time comes. And he’s going to hurt you. Really bad. Meanwhile, have fun thinking you are happy.’

It was a miracle that the bodega was empty that day. With dangerous tears threatening to fall, Julieta left the shopping car in the middle of the aisle and stormed out from the store.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The thing about Julie is that when she was upset she had two modes: hiding from the world, her shelter being underneath any table she could find; or becoming an automatic being, who performed everything she needed to do with obsessive precision and speed. She usually liked the latter better, that’s how she became a doctor by 28. So when she found out she arrived at Central Park walking all the way from the bodega, she knew her automatic mode was on.

The ringing of her cell phone brought her out of her trance.

‘Hola preciosa.’

‘Hi Raf, what’s up?

‘You sound sad, did something happen?’

‘My mother, but what’s new?’

‘I’m sorry, honey; is there something I can do?’

‘I’ve been trying to answer that question for thirty years, so don’t even try. What’s going on?’

‘I’m on my break and decided to go to the mall.’

‘Now you are worrying me. Don’t you have enough suits?’

‘Funny. I was actually looking for something for tomorrow.’

‘You look dazzling with anything really-’

‘-I know that, but we are discussing dining with your parents, for which I still need 50% of approval.’

‘Awww is Rafael Barba worried about what the others would say?’

‘In this case, yes, because we are talking about my girlfriend’s parents.’

Julie smiled. ‘You are the worst. It’s a little bit formal, but not too formal; we are not going to court. I’d say you buy a new tie and wear the brown suit. Without suspenders.’

‘Killjoy. Fine, the brown one is.’

‘Stop it, you know I love y- your style.’ Julie cursed under her breath.

‘And I love your style too.’ 

‘Take care, I’ll see you later tonight?’

‘I’ll be there.’

As she hung up, she felt a small collision in her right leg.

‘I’m sorry.’

A small girl sitting on the floor was looking at her with a frightening look on her face.

‘Oh don’t worry, are you ok? Can you stand up?’

‘Jesse!’

A shout in the distance made both girls turn. A blonde woman with a dog ran directly towards them. The woman kneeled next to Jesse, trying to see if there was a wound on her. Then she looked at Julie. She could tell that she seemed weirded out by her appearance. It wasn’t the first time that had happened to her. So, she did the usual procedure: big smile and reassuring word that she wasn’t a drug addict or a crook.

‘I think her roller skates are not well adjusted. You must balance the wheels, otherwise the weight is not properly distributed.’

The little girl started whining. ‘You said you did it! I told you! You said you were going to fix them! Everything is ruined!’

Julie could see the torment that was coming. The woman was turning red and looking ashamed at her daughter’s words. She could see the bags under her eyes, her messy hair, and how she was an exhausted mother who once again made a preventable mistake. Before she could say anything, Julie decided to intervene.

‘Well, well, no need to end such a beautiful day so early. Jesse is it? Today is your lucky day, because I’m in fact a roller skates’ expert and I’m going to get these ones fixed for you.’

‘But it’s going to take so long! It’s going to be so late when they are ready!’

‘Excuse me? You are talking with the best student at the Repairing stuff academia! They’ll be ready before you notice!’

‘Are you like Tinker Bell?’

‘I learned a couple of things from her. So, lend me those. Meanwhile, I have a task for you.’ Julie said as she took some water markers from her bag. ‘In order for me to work my magic, I need my arms to become colourful, see this dreamcatcher? I want to see it full of colors, as well as these flowers. When you are done I’ll be done, deal?’

With a vivacious nod, Jesse took the markers and started painting Julie’s arm. The blonde woman saw in awe.

‘So you always carry markers everywhere you go?’

‘Ever since I became a sitter in my second semester at college a while ago. You never know when you’ll need them.’

‘Thank you, really.’

‘Don’t mention it, I’m glad to help.’

‘I’m Amanda.’

‘Julieta.’

‘I feel so dumb for forgetting…’

‘Hey, don’t blame yourself. These days are crazy, and you’ve managed to bring her to the park. That counts, and a lot.’

‘I’m trying.’

‘You are doing well.’

Both women smiled. ‘Ok miss Jesse, try them on for a while and tell me if they feel right. If not, we can adjust them again.’

‘Ok, let me try them on.’

Amanda and Julie found a nearby bench and watched Jesse happily play around.

‘Are you comfortable showing my kid’s art in your body for the rest of the evening?’ Amanda said as she pointed out the colourful design that Jesse had created on her arm.

‘Oh totally, sometimes when I’m bored, I paint my tattoos myself, and believe me, Jesse created something better than anything I’ve done.’ Amanda smiled.

‘You know, it’s been awhile since I stopped babysitting, but if you ever need to catch a breath, don’t hesitate to call me.’ Julie said as she placed her contact information on Amanda’s phone.

‘Thanks, I’ll take that in mind. But in the meantime, I want to do this and figure it out myself. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know her, and she is so young! I don’t want to imagine when she’s like 16!’

‘You have plenty of time to get to know her by then.’

‘Yeah, how was that phrase? “My mistakes have made me”? The thing is that I’m afraid to make them in front of her.’

‘Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s ok to ask for help sometimes. Being a mother does not immediately transform you into someone who is extent from mistakes. In fact, sometimes it is better to show your fears and doubts so that your kids learn that it is ok to feel that way. You’ll learn together.’

‘I feel so bad for just pouring my problems to you.’

‘Don’t mention it, I rarely talk with people at my job so this is refreshing.’ Julie looked at the time. ‘Hey, I’ve got to go. It was so nice meeting you, and the offer is still up… even if you want to go for a night out to just be yourself. My boyfriend and I go to a place to dance every week, if you ever want to join us. Merry Christmas Amanda and Jesse. Take care.’

Jesse and Amanda waved goodbye. As Julie was walking to the train station (no way she was walking that distance again), she decided to call her mom. Voicemail.

‘Hola mami, I’m on my way back. Look, I’m very sorry about what happened earlier, I had too many emotions to deal with. I met a friend in the park, she has a little daughter, you’d love her. Anyway, talking with her, I kinda understood that you might be afraid of everything that is happening in my personal life, but I want to tell you first and foremost: I love Rafael, I really do, and I want to live this experience to its fullest. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow, but even if it is sadness, heartbreak or whatever, it’s part of life, and I get you want to protect me. This is new for all of us, but maybe we can find a way of being afraid together, of figuring it out without limiting the other. Te amo, y lo hare siempre, eso nunca va a cambiar, te lo aseguro (I love you and always will, that’ll never change, I promise). See you soon.’

On the other side of the line, Julio looked at Milagros with an expression of intrigue, while she said a silent prayer, asking that her daughter's heart would be protected, and that the inevitable love between her and Rafael would be strong enough. This was serious now.

____________________________________________________________________________________

After hanging up, Julie felt a strong pair of arms hugging her from behind. The characteristic cologne immediately giving Rafael away. She turned around, and before she had the chance to say anything, Rafael looked straight into her eyes:

‘I love you as well. I really do.’

Chapter Text

Switzerland is beautiful. Gorgeous. Like the perfect Christmas postcard. He remembered the first time he went to that resort. It was his first huge paycheck after college and he wanted to repair the many things wrong in his abuelita’s apartment, but the rest of the buffet convinced him with all the contacts we would have on his agenda on his way back. So they had to eat dinner, or rather a lunch, in Nochebuena (Christmas Eve) so that he could catch the plane. One of his many regrets in life.

His colleagues were not wrong. Apparently for attorneys, the holiday break was a pseudo-extension for work, in which all the important connections and contracts were placed on the table, and the aspiring and ambitious newcomers fought like starved dogs to draw the attention of the big fat sharks. He had never skied before. How could he? But he lied his way through college, trying to match the presumptuous stories of his rich classmates. So, when he found himself on top of the Eggli ski area, partially visualizing the 10-kilometer-long slope, the longest in all of Gstaad. He knew there was no going back.

He usually was a fast learner… when it came to school subjects or court skills. His short stature and skinny complexion made him a subject of laughter and bullying all his life. He could fake and deny it all he wanted, but if he survived his teen years, it was because of Alex.

Alex.

Alejandro.

That son of a bitch.

There was another reason why he didn’t want to stay for the holidays. Because he would have probably encountered them. Hand in hand. He would’ve seen the ring on her left hand. Her arm surrounding his. Her smile. His pride.

It was the first good thing that had happened to Rafael since, well, ever. It was the first time he could brag about anything in his life. Despite his own mother going to Alex’s house to console him, Rafael held on to his letter of acceptance to Harvard and the other letter indicating his full-ride scholarship. He finally had something that Alex didn’t. Rafael had always been the smart one, but Alex had the confidence he lacked, to say the answer louder, to talk to girls at parties and to have the face card to charm quite everyone. And yet, he made it to the college of his dreams and had a beautiful girlfriend.

Yelina.

Why couldn’t she wait for him? Why did she stop answering his calls and letters? Why was he the only one sending them? And why Alex, of all people?

‘Barba? It’s your turn. Or are you a-?’

Not letting his colleague finish, he let go.

He mimicked the posture and actions of the other skiers going down. He scolded himself and held back his tears so he could see where he was going. Fear was no longer the primary emotion. It was anger, rage, frustration. The adrenaline was keeping him alive. ‘Out of my way!’ he screamed at the slow skiers. Or was it at his mother when he stormed out of his house with his old bat in his hand?

Faster.

Faster.

Faster.

Until he reached the end and he didn’t know how to stop.

‘Stop it Rafi, you are making a fool of yourself.’ Alex said, standing at the door. He was holding the bat while Yelina was staying behind him. In front of them, a broken Rafael, barely able to speak, with uncontrollable tears streaming down his face.

A fool.

That was it.

He left the Muñoz household without blood on his hands. He managed to stop, tracing elegant circles in the snow. He learned his lesson. Never show, so they can’t hurt. He even became cordial towards Alex and Yelina sometime afterward. He even made a sassy remark towards the other attorney who didn’t even make it to the end of the road. That night, McCoy offered him a paid internship so that other ADAs could get to know him.

He learned his lesson.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

For Julie, it was almost magical to see Rafael on this element. He was so confident while skiing; he made it look so easy. But after falling for the third time, at the kids’ zone, she decided it wasn’t for her. So, she enjoyed the resort amenities while her boyfriend went up once again. The yoga studio was conveniently placed on the side of one of the stops of the mountain, and the big window allowed her to watch people going up and down.

She breathed once again. In and out.

Child’s pose.

Downward-facing dog.

Planck pose.

Three-legged dog, and all the way into Warrior Two. She prepared herself to “fly” as she hit Warrior Three. Warrior two again. But this time, a smile through the window caught her attention. God, she adored that smile, those eyes… He signaled, and she nodded.

In the dressing room, her phone started vibrating—an unknown number.

‘Márquez.’

‘Doctor, I’m terribly sorry to call during your holidays. However, your presence is needed immediately on our international base, with direct orders from OC officials. Don’t worry, it is just a quick consult, two days maximum, like the other times but in person. We’ll take care of all expenses.’

‘Well, what other option do I have? You are the boss.’

‘Barely, but I’ll be working with you.’

‘I’ll pack my stuff. Can you repeat your name?’

‘Call me Elliot.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

‘Don’t worry preciosa, only two days. We still have 2 weeks left here. That reminds me of when I was ADA and I had to cut short a rather lovely weekend on a yacht that-’

‘You own a yacht?’

‘Not my yacht.’

‘I feel so bad, but I have no other choice. I’ll compensate you Raf. I love you.’

They hugged. ‘Then more reasons to be excited. I love you too.’ With a final kiss, Julie left.

He decided to go to the bar. He saw familiar faces he wanted to avoid, more specifically, Buchanan and his family.

‘Typical of you, can you be more original? Scotch? Really?’

‘Stop it Rita. What are you doing here?’

‘Same as you, taking advantage of my membership.’

‘It’s good to see you. Thanks for the Iowa thing, I had fun.’

‘It was my way of showing the rest of the office that you were still alive. I hate to say this, but it hasn’t been the same. Stone doesn’t have your labia or style.’

‘Just say that you miss me.’

‘I can’t; I like that I’m actually winning again.’

Both lawyers laughed. ‘Rumor says, that you are here with someone. Is the famous bachelor finally taken?’

‘Funny.’

‘Come on Barba, we no longer work together, or well, against each other; we are sort of friends, right?’

‘I’m happy, that’s all I’m going to say.’

‘And that’s $100 for me. Buchanan and I had a bet.’

‘I feel quite offended, a hundred only?’

‘What’s her name? That’s $500 because of the implications of maybe finding it listening through the door.’

‘I can’t with you Calhoun, but you are my “friend”, her name is- Yelina?’

‘Yelina- where are you going?’

‘Keep walking!’

Rafael dragged Rita all the way through the lobby. ‘Now it gets interesting.’

‘Shut up. It’s just someone I never thought I would see again.’

‘A ghost from the past?’

‘Worse. I can’t let her find Julie.’

‘Or you… you are pale as ever. Namedrop, thanks.’

Rafael rolled his eyes. ‘It was good seeing you, but I must run.’

‘Give signs of life next time, ok? And I’m glad you are better, my friend.’

Rafael smiled. He rushed towards the elevator. As the door closed, a purse blocked the motion. And then they were alone.

‘Hola Rafi.’

‘I don’t have time for this; please don’t ruin my vacations.’

‘Nice to see you too. I see some things never change.’

‘Why are you here Yelina? You hate the snow.’

‘I wanted to try something new. Alejandro has the kids for the holidays, so I decided to pamper myself a little bit. You know they have a chocolate-making class, a knitting workshop, yoga… all with a beautiful scenery.’

‘I see, well I hope you enjoy your stay, and I don’t have to see you again. This is my floor, excuse me.’ Yelina followed him.

‘Can we talk like two adults?’

‘Oh, I didn’t know you grew up from the last time I saw you.’

‘Rafi…’

‘Sorry, I just don’t think there is something to talk between us.’

‘Like your new girlfriend? People talk Rafael, and Alex and I still hold some power in the community.’

‘Well, people should know better. And I don’t owe you explanations.’

‘Ay Rafi, ¿ella? ¿en serio? Creí que querías ser mejor, llegar más alto… no puedes tener a cualquiera a tu lado (her? Really? I thought you wanted to be better, reach higher… you can’t have anybody at your side).’

‘Wow, Alex and you were really made for each other. Looks are everything for you; well, until they are used to molest underage girls.’

‘Don’t use that card with me! I’m not like him! I’m just trying to look after you Rafi…’

‘Oh really? Do you know what your problem is Yelina? All this time, you think you left me for somebody better. But in the end, you were left with just some body. And you are desperate to go back, that you are using truly your last resort. Me. Because I loved you. I did. And just because you were you, not because I wanted something else.’

‘It should have been you…’

‘And I’m glad I wasn’t. I hope you find whatever is best for you and your kids. I’m trying to be better, so I’m going to tell the truth: I think you have many qualities; you are a good woman who made bad choices. Take this second chance. But don’t come back to me; I’m also having a second one, and I’m not screwing it up. Goodbye.’

Chapter Text

‘So… how was Italy?’

‘You know that, one, I don’t talk about work, and two, even if I wanted to, I can’t talk about this one in particular.’

‘Was it horrible?’

‘The officer I had to deal with was hard-headed, but I have my way with people. My secret? Partners or spouses. His wife was pretty cool and nice, she gave me some advice and I was back in the game.’

‘I’m glad you made a friend.’

‘I barely would call her my friend, but if he comes back to the U.S. eventually, I wouldn’t mind going out with her. Did anything happen when I was away?’

‘Mmm I saw my friend Rita, we had some drinks at the bar.’

‘The one that gave you the Iowa case? That’s nice! I’m glad you are reconnecting with people.’

‘Yeah, I guess so.’

The rest of the trip was fortunately uneventful. Rita informed Rafael that Yelina checked out the day that Julie arrived, and that she also had $600 extra. Both women got to know each other, and Rafael wasn’t sure that had been the greatest of ideas, as they started sharing rather embarrassing stories of the former A.D.A. He was happy. He was finally able to go down the Eggli ski area and just enjoy the ride.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

‘You didn’t have to, but my one weakness is chocolate, especially the Swedish one.’

‘Just a little present Melinda, really.’

‘I’m sorry I can’t give you more news about the committee decision; they were gone for the holidays before they could reach a verdict.’

‘I know they are considering other options, but it would really help if they could just tell me.’

‘I keep recommending you, Julie, you are doing more things for this place than anyone on their contacts.’

‘And yet, I’m not on top of the list.’

‘I’m so sorry kiddo. Anyway, how is it going with your students?’

‘I have a solid team, really. They are still learning, but I’m proud of them. Sometimes I feel I’m a little too rough, but it’s necessary.’

‘You are doing fine; people from all over the country send you their CVs to even get considered to work with you.’

‘Enough flowers for me, you are THE Melinda Warner, a walking legend, for God’s sake.’

Both women laughed. ‘Speaking of, one of my students is back from California to do more field and lab work. He’s kind of my favorite, but don’t tell him that. We would do one hell of a team Melinda; please don’t go.’

‘I’ll think about it Julie.’

‘I have to get him from the airport; good luck at the congress.’

‘I’ll get you something from China; enjoy being the boss for a while.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Nick wouldn’t stop talking about how good Gil was doing on his hockey team, how Zara was on top of her class, and how badly the kids and Cynthia wanted to see Julie. He then excitedly described his job at this new place called FORYM, where he applied everything he learned during his semester.

‘I mean, it is pretty good; they let me go to my classes, and are slowly but surely cracking cold cases. They also have good payment, even for newcomers.’

‘I’m glad you are enjoying all of that; I’m proud of you. You are balancing being a father, a partner, a scientist, and a PhD student.’

‘Hey, I learned from the best, boss.’

‘Stop it. They haven’t made their decision.’

‘Julie, serían muy tontos para no escogerte (Julie, they would be very foolish not to choose you). But if they don’t, have you considered moving anywhere else? I’m sure other states would die to have you.’

‘You know I can’t leave my parents. And they don’t want to go either.’

‘I’m sure they’ll be fine. You are a young, smart, free woman with all the potential. The barrio will take care of them.’

‘You just want to take me to California, because your life is just too boring without me.’

A notification from her phone caught her attention.

‘It has been incredible to catch up Nick, but I must go. Be ready first time tomorrow; we have a lot to do.’

‘Hey, we were just getting started. Where are you going?’

‘I have to help Lucia with something; I think it is important.’

‘Who’s Lucia?’

Julie suddenly realized that Nick had no idea of what had happened in her personal life ever since he left. She barely told Cynthia over the phone one time, but didn’t get into details.

‘Don’t kill me, I’ll tell you later. She is my suegra (mother-in-law).’

‘Julieta Márquez. When were you going to tell me?’

‘I… I’m sorry, but next Sunday after church, I’ll try to introduce him to you and Cynthia. She’s also been annoying me with that.’

‘It’s fine, we have a deal. And Julie? I’m happy for you.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

‘M’ija, gracias por venir, ven pásate, pásate. (My daughter, thanks for coming, come in, come in)’

To say that Julie was 100% comfortable with Lucia Barba was an overstatement. Yes, she was very welcoming and warm when she met her, and the fact that she already knew her parents made things easier, but yet, she was still Rafael’s mother, and that implied certain anxiety when both women were together. It quickly dawned on her that it was the first time since they met that they were together in a room without the buffering presence of Julio or Rafael. They were alone.

‘Rafi had to go to a conference, and we were supposed to eat together today, so I thought, why not invite you?’

‘You are very kind Lucia, thanks. Can I help you with anything?’

‘Actually you can. I’m going to teach you how to make lechón; that’s Rafi’s favourite dish, did you know?’

Julie froze in her place.

‘I… I… thank you.’

‘Ahí están los ajos, comienza a picarlos así chiquitos. Mientras yo exprimo las naranjas (Over there are the garlic, start chopping them into small pieces. Meanwhile I juice the oranges). I don’t bite Julie, you can come closer, chica (girl).’

Julie and Lucía started preparing the meal. It wasn’t that complicated, but it was very different from the Mexican food she was used to. When the lechón was in the oven, Lucia motioned Julie to take a seat next to her.

‘Now, we wait. Next time is going to be another dish, so be ready to take notes.’ Lucía took a sip of water. ‘You can stop shaking now. I’ll get to the point: I like you Julie. You are a smart girl. My Rafi always struggled with finding someone. Don’t get me wrong I know he is a piece of work and no saint.’

‘Amo a su hijo, Lucía (I love your son, Lucía).’

‘Don’t get me wrong Julie, but sometimes love isn’t enough. You need courage and resignation for the things you won’t be able to change.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘The past. It always comes back. And my son is not strong enough to get over it. And you have to be ready for that.’

‘I don’t think that’s the case Lucia. Raf has been working really hard on that. He’s going to therapy, and before you can even say it, yes, it works. I’ve been there my whole life and you know my story. I believe in him. We can get over anything.’

‘You are also stubborn, I see. I also tried to fight that battle but eventually gave up, I know my son. He might seem like this powerful lawyer, but I can only see the little 10-year old that went through all of that.’

‘The difference is that I haven’t given up yet. Nor will I ever do.’

Lucía’s expression was unreadable. Julie was afraid she had ruined her chance to get close to her.

‘¡Mami eso huele delicioso! (Mom that smells amazing!) Preciosa, what are you doing here?’

‘She actually made almost everything Rafi. She truly is an exceptional one. It is good that you arrived, I was about to take out the photo albums.’

Chapter Text

That was a lie.

Rafael was a liar.

No, not the “loving” part.

Rafael stood in the corner of his mother’s apartment listening to a conversation he was not supposed to be a part of. His pride bursting as the woman he loved, fiercely defended him from his own mother. Until she mentioned the therapy part. He told Julie that he was going there once a week, when in reality, he used that extra hour to finish everything he needed to do at work or even taking more cases.

He was a workaholic; he has always been, and that helped him forget the things he was supposed to be working with priority: himself.

Rafael was afraid, really afraid. Not of the doctor's office, the psychologist or being seen. No. He was scared of the things he would have to revisit. Baby Drew, his father, Alex, Yelina, Ashtonja and Marianna Abreu, his mother, SVU, Liv… They were all incarcerated in the deepest part of his memory, and the minimum mention of any of those topics was enough for him to let the darkness out.

And yes, he did tell Julie of some aspects of his past, but it was because he couldn’t prevent the eventual meeting with his mother or that his dad would come up in the conversation. He couldn’t control that. But he could control other stuff. Sometimes she would ask about the day they met, why was he so disoriented, confused, sad… and he avoided it like the coward he was. Julie didn’t even know the names of the people he used to work with. He even hesitated to talk to her about Liv, hell, even introducing them. Because she would see who he was in reality.

He had to beg Calhoun not to be specific or give details when she and Julie met back in Gstaad. For the first time, Rita kept quiet, but the message of “Do you want to talk about it?” remained unanswered on his phone.

He loved his little cocoon, where all the stings and the ugly things were kept unsaid. He wanted to protect this relationship at all costs, and stay who they were at that precise moment and time. Freeze the frame, like the perfect painting of the perfect park. There was no need to change things, right? Julie was happy. He was happy. He saw the marriage of his parents fall apart because every now and then his dad would bring up something that happened before and destroy the little stability that they had.

He wouldn’t allow it. Because you can’t have both, right?

_______________________________________________________________________________________

When she got the deal for that hard-cover edition of her favorite medicine book, she never thought that she would regret it years letter. The pain was awful and she was sure that a small bump was starting to form on top of her head. It was a stupid mistake; she was just trying to reach for some forensic magazines that she was going to lend to Nick and suddenly the enormous book crashed into her. "The weight of knowledge", her dad would say.

‘Hey, keep that ice close to your head.’

She didn’t lose conscience or saw stars. She was fine. But when she heard multiple cracks on her bookshelf, she got scared and immediately called him.

‘¿Qué te digo morra? Yo creo que es pérdida total… (What do I tell you girl? I think it's a total loss...)’

Joe had plans that evening, but when he heard Julie’s shaky voice and the sound of the bookshelf crashing down, he left everything and went to her.

‘Don’t tell me that.’ Julie groaned.

‘I’m not repairing it again, especially with your compulsive book purchases. I don’t want to find you squashed like a cucaracha (cockroach) next time.’

‘Can you at least help me to save my books? I’ll put them on the side while I figure out what to do.’

‘I’ll do that. You keep applying ice; a punch to the head is a serious business, trust me. Here, lay down in your bed while I work.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

‘Fuck it.’

Rafael was nervous enough with all the existential crisis he endured that morning, but he was even more with the idea that just came into his mind. It wasn’t something you send a text or even talk in the phone. So, he called a taxi and found himself climbing the stairs of Julie's building. He did not expect what happened next.

A young man, early thirties, handsome, muscular, shirtless and obviously taller than he was, opened the door.

‘Can I help you?’

He was bathed in sweat and there was a bit of dirt on his forehead. Rafael was sweating too, between his nerves and the overbearing August sun, which, instead of helping him, made him look too pathetic next to the young man.

‘¡Deja de pasearte encuerado en mi casa! ¿quién es? (Stop walking around naked in my house! Who's that?)’ Julie emerged from the room, seemingly just woken up.

‘Raf, hi, what a surprise! This is Joe. Joe this is my boyfriend, Rafael.’

Rafael looked at Joe again, this time awfully aware of himself. He had not shaved, a particular though case that held him on his office the entire week; his hair was a mess, the gel had given up earlier, and the sweat on his neck and armpits was more evident despite his white shirt. Cautious and proud as ever, he had an extra shirt that he intended to change into once he made it to the apartment, except that he didn’t think he would find another man inside.

Joe reaching to shake his hand took him out of his trance.

‘Nice to meet you man.’

‘N-nice to meet you too.’

‘How’s your head feeling?’

‘Better, thank you.’

‘I’ve got to go morra, I arranged your books as best as I could. Let me know what you decide to do.’

‘Thank you so much for your help Joe, and for God’s sake get dressed.’

‘Not what your neighbours are wanting but ok, see ya.’

Both men nodded at each other and Joe disappeared though the door. It was then when Rafael noticed the mess that was happening at the living room, and the destroyed structure that once was Julie’s bookshelf.

‘What happened?’

‘Try to reach for something. A book almost killed me and then bam, everything crumbles down.’

‘I’m sorry preciosa. Are you ok?’

‘It’s fine, he survived three reparations, but Joe is right.’

‘Hey, can I use your bathroom?’

‘Yeah, go right ahead.’

Rafael left his suitcase on a chair and took his clean shirt out. He reached the sink and splashed his face with cold water. He was trying his best to look more presentable, to scare that tired look away. But as soon as he looked at himself in the mirror, his eyes filled with sadness. Suddenly he was 15 again and he was looking at his acne, his lean body, and his lack of muscles. He was thinking about how Alex and Eddie seemed to have grown extremely fast that summer and how he was the only one that wasn’t dancing with a girl at the party. At the present, he saw his wrinkles, the gray hair that was starting to show, his pathetic week-old beard, and the dark circles under his eyes.

‘Are you ok Raf?’ He slowly emerged from the bathroom. Julie handed him a glass of cold water.

‘Yeah, yeah. Mmm who was him again?’

‘Joe. He is a family friend; I have known him since I was a kid.’

‘Oh, ok…’

‘Raf… what’s going on? Are you jealous?’

‘Me? No, no, I was just surprised to see someone else here.’

‘Raf. Look at me.’ Rafael shyly looked up, his eyes betraying his restrained sadness. Julie stepped closer, surrounding his neck with her arms. ‘A week is a terrible long time not seeing this face, you know? God, sometimes I hate my job, for not allowing me to see my gorgeous eyes all the time.’

She kissed him, affectionately. He returned the kiss and buried his nose into her neck.

‘I don’t deserve you…’

‘Don’t even start. I love you so damn much, Raf. You and only you.’ She got closer, her voice barely a whisper. ‘Plus, that beard that you have going on there makes you look so sexy.’

It was his turn to start the kiss, and this time, passion dominated. After a few moments, when both lovers had to remember they needed oxygen to live, Rafael felt a sudden rush of confidence and decided to do what he came for.

‘Move in with me.’

‘What?’

‘Move. To my apartment. Let’s live together. I don’t want to spend more time away from you.’

‘Raf… I’d love to, but your apartment is in the other side of the city. I can’t be too far away from my parents.’

‘Yeah, but you would be closer to your work.’

‘I know but… It took me so long to find this apartment; it was the first thing that was truly mine. I spend all my savings on it. I can’t leave just like that.’

‘Then rent it. You can benefit from the profits and you still have your property.’

‘Raf…’

‘Look, you still need a place to stay. I can’t let you live here with all these rotten wood and potential hazards. While you decide stay with me, I promise I’ll take you to see your parents whenever you want.’

‘That’s one big hell promise.’

Rafael chuckled and brought her closer. ‘And maybe… in a future… we can look for other places. An intermediate point. Something to build up together…’

‘The future can’t come soon enough then.’

Chapter Text

‘Excuse me? Why is nobody here attending? What is going on?’

By this point, Olivia and Fin were desperate. They needed to assess the situation by looking at the evidence recovered from the body. Apparently, a new technique had been utilized and they found a perfect match for the DNA they sought. But the chaos they encountered once they passed through those doors was confusing and concerning. Angry screams, between unknown voices; secretaries, technicians and even delivery people out of their usual places, watching the commotion, except the new intern who was nervously calling, again and again, her bosses after Captain Benson threatened to enter the morgue and getting the evidence herself. Finally, quick steps, or rather quick angry steps, were heard at the end of the corridor, approaching the front desk.

‘Here! Now go, it’s not a good time.’ Fin took the evidence folder that a very angry Melinda Warner tossed at him.

‘Melinda, what is going on? This place is a mess.’

‘We have our own problems, sergeant. I have never been angrier at this place before.’

‘Is there something we can do?’

‘Be patient. This place is going back to the nineteenth century, apparently.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

‘But we already have our bags! Dad!’

‘I’m sorry, kids, there’s nothing I can do. I’m just as sad as you.’

‘But what about grandma? And tía (aunt) Sonia? And-?’

Cynthia grabbed the phone from the two very angry teens. ‘When are you arriving?’

‘Tomorrow, at noon.’

‘What does the university say?’

‘Not much, I have to re-do all of my paperwork and find a new place.’

‘I’m sorry papi…’

‘Me too, but I’m more concerned now. It was horrible; the place was a mess when everyone found out.’

‘Have you talked to-‘

‘No. I’ll try to but, well, you know. I wouldn’t answer as well. I’ll try to say goodbye.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The noise started to faint as the hours passed by. The commotion paralysed all the working areas, and they even received a visit from some officers who were alerted by the screams. Then silence. Awful silence. Usually, no one really talked at work, especially considering the circumstances of the job itself, but every so often, one could hear the faint sound of music coming from a speaker, or an impromptu lecture that took place at the cafeteria.

But now everything was quiet. The faint sound of the refrigerators at the cool chambers filling the empty space, alongside a faint breathing pattern, becoming shaky at times.

No.

Two letters.

A painful answer.

Almost a year. No, more than a year of waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

No.

There was a single light turned on just outside Morgue number 3. Melinda insisted on it. She didn’t know how long she would be there, laying on the floor and staring at the table above her. So she insisted on turning that light on in case it was dark outside when anything happened.

Julie sighed. Her eyes telling the story of what happened. Her gaze was a mixture of sadness, anger, and the remains of the thing that broke in her soul that morning. She didn’t get the chance to fix the things she wrote on her agenda that morning: properly label the samples that the intern messed up, prepare the presentation, and report on how she managed to save the last remaining DNA from that poor girl’s underwear, call Nick and ask him how he did at the convention, go to the DA’s office to prepare herself in case she had to take the stand…

But she had to meet her boss first, unannounced; he just happened to be there. A hint of hope in her eyes as she asked the question. A hint of mockery and arrogance in his, as he gave her the answer.

No.

The rest of the committee caught up on them. This time, the answer was accompanied by a letter that she had not the chance to finish reading, but which shouted, in capital letters and humiliatingly highlighted, the words “rejected” and “unfit”. The three men excused themselves and attempted to go to their meeting, where all the other chiefs and heads of department were conveniently reunited.

‘Why?’

They certainly didn’t expect her to answer back. And indeed, she could have skipped all that pain if she would have kept quiet. But she didn’t.

‘I’m sorry, but I want to know why I am “unfit” for the position.’

‘Miss Márquez this is not the right time.’

‘It’s doctor. Doctor Márquez. And I am just asking, since all the other candidates don’t even have half my experience.’

‘The other chosen candidate had more, how do I say it? Chief material doctor. It’s just bureaucracy.’

Melinda stood up from her chair. ‘What do you mean “Chief material”? Doctor Márquez alone is in charge of the investigation division. She teaches. Hell, she even runs this place more efficiently than I do when I have to go to congresses and other stuff.’

‘I have to side with Melinda. The toxicology department is very pleased with the work that Julieta has done. She has given us resources to make our work more efficient, not to say that she absolutely has “Chief material”.’

‘Doctor Mahoney, I suggest you lower your tone, especially considering your condition.’ The second in command said while signaling Doctor Mahoney’s prominent pregnant belly.

‘Ok I’m doing it.’ Doctor Kent stood up. ‘A voting system and letters of recommendation decided this. How many of us either wrote a letter or voted for Julie?’

Twenty hands raised up. The whole table was looking at the committee members with disbelief. ‘So? What’s the deal?’ Melinda dangerously approached the chief as the rest of the board began complaining.

‘Silence! All of you! The decision is final. Miss Márquez, I get you are the “popular” girl at this office, but that certainly does not give you the qualities to be named Chief Medical Examiner!’

‘It. Is. Doctor. Sir.’

‘I’ll get the cat out of the bag. You certainly are not the look we are expecting for said position. The NYPD and the government made it very clear that if we want to save the reputation of this institute after the Rudnick case, we needed someone that looked like the perfect image of integrity and professionalism.’

‘You mean someone with a penis? Because I have given my life to this place. I even work in things that don’t even pay me to keep this office moving. I was behind the 20 cases solved in record time last month by the innovations and techniques my team and I developed. I published over 15 articles that I had to pay myself, that remarked on all the advances we do for sex crimes, and my name wasn’t even in the news when you took the credit. I come here on weekends, holidays, and even when I have vacations because you explicitly tell me you need my help. I go to crime scenes that are so far away from here when I don’t even have to and I keep working when I come back, even if that takes hours. I do all that. And I’m “unfit”. The other candidates don’t even have a doctorate! Just your last names. And a penis.’

By the end of her speech, everyone who went to work that day was outside the conference room, either cheering or complaining. The place was a mess. OCME had a certain fame around, and Julie was the last drop before all the complaints exploded. Workers here and there also expose their cases, the work overload, the treatment… The chaos prevented everyone from hearing the Chief saying the final remarks.

‘You are so done.’

And so she left. Running straight to Morgue 3. Melinda closely followed.

‘What did I just do?’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

‘No, no, it’s not her. My name is Rafael Barba. I’m her attorney. She can’t come to the phone right now. You can talk about the terms of agreement with me…’

Rafael’s voice was firm and without a hint of emotion. She never had listened to that version of him. In other circumstances, she would have teased him about it, but right now, she was curled up in their bathtub, quietly listening to him taking charge of everything. He was so scared when she called and asked him to pick her up. Her monotone tone immediately told him that something was very wrong. Her eyes were lost, and her voice remained the same as she told him what had happened. He suggested the bath, as he knew that the consequences of what had happened were about to begin.

The university led her off. They were right; in the end, she no longer had a laboratory where she could teach. Nick’s realization came up when her name was not in the internship options on the uni’s website. They, however, negotiated a good final payment, thanks to Rafael, and provided letters of recommendation. The OC division didn’t let her go. It was a private service, after all, and her consults and trips to Italy would receive a significant rise. Also, thanks to Rafael.

‘How are you doing?’ He kneeled next to her.

‘The water is cold.’

‘Then let’s get you out of here.’ He carried her bridal style out of the bath and helped her dress. ‘You know, we can sue. I had a case with an airline that mistreated their female employees and we won the lawsuit. I can do the same thing we can-‘

‘Raf, I just want to sleep right now. I don’t want to think about OCME, or the committee, or lawsuits, or anything. I just want you to hold me and sleep together. Ok?’

‘As you wish preciosa. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Rita was confused and panicked when she received the call. “It was too good to be true,” she thought. But when she arrived at the former D.A. apartment, she didn’t expect to see a family reunion. Lucia Barba, Julio Márquez and Milagros Ruiz were there, helping pack boxes and preparing food for the trip.

‘Rita. Thanks for coming. I’m sorry we couldn’t go to your office.’

‘Don’t worry Julie, it’s good to see you. And let me tell you how sorry I am about the situation. Some people cannot handle women with great ideas in charge.’

‘Stop it Calhoun, do you have the papers?’

Rita followed Rafael into his kitchen.

‘I thought the worse you know.’

‘About what?’

‘I thought that you guys have broken up and that’s why you accepted the multistate work…’

‘The Innocence Project proposed it long ago. I didn’t even consider it until now.’

‘You need a fresh start.’

‘Or starts, we don’t know. Those idiots managed to inform the other OCME’s and now Julie can’t work there. She’ll have to do private practice and consults for a while.’

‘Have you considered classes?’

‘We have, but it’s uncertain.’

‘I’m sorry Barba. This is all awful.’

‘Can you give me the papers please?’ Rita handed him the documentation that named Rafael as the responsible for the Legal Aid Project.

‘You might visit Iowa again, they liked your work and probably will ask you to return for some time.’

‘Rita I need a favour. We are going to be jumping through different states, and it might be a while until we come back. I was only able to convince Julie to do it if I had a plan regarding her parents.’

‘If they need me I’ll be right there. Have you talked to Benson about all of this?’

‘No. It was a department issue that also involved the NYPD. Any help might seem like a conflict of interest.’

‘I see… Good luck then; be busy; you both need it.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Awful, long goodbyes. Homemade sandwiches and frozen meals. Boxes with clothes, books, pictures, some furniture and more books. They were all packed on the trunk of their newly acquired car. The rest of the boxes would be collected and sent to a storage unit. Rafael sold his apartment. He decided to have extra money in case he would be the sole income for a while. Julie had hers rented with a year contract. Much to their dismay, the money went straight to her parents’ account. It was her way of protecting them while she was gone.

New York was fading away. A familiar feeling for him and a totally new experience for her.

‘We are going to be ok, preciosa. As long as we are together.’

‘I hope you are right.’

Chapter Text

‘Come on! I can’t answer everything for you!’

‘It’s hard! That’s a really hypothetical situation!’

‘Nick…’

‘Ok, I’ll read that section of the article again. God, I’m so tired.’

‘Welcome to the PhD life mi amigo (my friend).’

‘Yeah I was going to tell you. I’m taking a break from school, at least one semester.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, Cynthia is between jobs so we need an extra income, I’m going to take full time at FORYM. Plus, I need a new place to do my practices, and to be honest? None of the other options are as good as you Julie.’

‘Don’t be mean… and I’m sorry Nick, for letting you down.’

‘¿Tu estás loca o qué? (are you crazy or what?), that place was consuming you, they are so stupid for letting you go.’

‘Even with all that, I miss it like crazy.’

‘What are you doing now?’

‘Well, at the moment, surviving Florida’s humidity. Fortunately for me and my hair, I only have one more week here.’

‘Why are you in Florida?’

‘Raf got a multistate job at the Innocence Project; we are jumping from state to state as he solves some cases here and there. I do remote work: I launched a virtual course and I have a lot of stuff coming every week from my other job at OC.’

‘Any chance coming to California?’

‘I don’t know, I usually don’t know where are we going next. My therapist tells me is good to be open to changes, and I think it’s helping.’

‘So, your boyfriend is like a Social Services guy?’

Julie laughed. ‘No, he’s a lawyer. He actually worked at the ADA’s office for some time; maybe you even met him.’

‘Throw a name.’

‘Rafael Barba?’

Nick’s smile faded as he froze on the screen.

‘Nick? Nick? Are you there? Nick I’m having trouble hearing you, I’m going to hang up ok?’

Nick’s image suddenly appeared again. ‘I’m sorry, I kicked my cable and the connection came loose. HOLY SHIT! I can’t believe this!!!’

‘So you know him.’

‘Yes! I worked multiple times with him… This is just too weird’

‘Why you say so?’

‘Don’t get me wrong Julie, but the Rafael Barba that I know would never date someone like you. No offense.’

‘Well now I’m offended.’

‘No no no, it’s just that he is like the most squared man I’ve ever met. Arrogant. Difficult. A damn good lawyer, I must say, but it was so difficult to be on good terms with him. And you are like the polar opposite. Man, he always complained about me. Did he tell you?’

‘No, he never tells me about his past job, just about some cases, but he never mentioned you or anybody really.’

‘Wow… that’s… strange… not even about Liv?’

‘Who is Liv?’

‘Olivia Benson, well I think is Captain Benson now. She was the only one he was close to from the squad.’

‘Oh well, I guess, we’ve never touched the subject of colleagues before…’

‘Hey Julie, I have to go. I’ll give you the perfect answer about the paper tomorrow for sure. Thanks for your help. Tell Barba I say hi. Dios mio. Me hiciste el dia (My god. You made my day).’

‘Bye. Say hi to the kids and Cynthia from me.’

As her screen turned off, Julie’s smile became a frown. Yes, they agreed on never talking about work when they were together, but it was a totally different thing talking about colleagues, hell, even friends from work. While she didn’t tell him the specifics of the autopsy she performed that morning, she would often tell Rafael about how Joanne braided her hair that day, how Peter was on a diet, how proud she was of Amy for doing the PCR correctly, and Nick…

She had definitely talked about Nick with him, and also about Melinda. Nick knew him, and Warner probably as well, so why did Rafael never say anything? He was an expert on avoiding the subject of their past because “they were building their future” or something like that he used to say. And Julie was fine with that, was she? The only person in Raf’s life she knew a little bit more about, aside from his mother, was Rita, and when they talked that time in Switzerland, she never mentioned anything related to SVU or about Rafa’s friends, if she could call “Liv” like that.

‘You know, if you want your computer to work you have to turn it on.’ The voice next to her ear gave her a little startle, at the same time as some lips searched for her own.

‘I know that, Mr-know-it-all, how was your day?’

‘Good. We finally closed the case. We can get on the road tomorrow if you want.’

‘Awesome, somewhere cold please.’

‘Sure. How was your day preciosa?’

‘I was actually talking to a friend who was also my student… who was also an NYPD detective.’

‘And he had a middle-life crisis and changed career?’ Rafael laughed.

‘Don’t be mean. Anyway, Nick Amaro says hi.’

Rafael looked at her. ‘Doesn’t ring a bell, sorry.’

‘He said you always complained about him…’

‘I complained about SVU detectives all the time, they thought I could do magic at their will.’

‘I never said he was in SVU.’

Rafael was finding the ceiling to be particularly interesting that day.

‘Well it was just the department I worked the most with. And maybe I met him, those detectives came and went all the time. Not enough time to catch up you know?’

‘Got it, and what about the captains? Or whoever was in charge? I imagine it was a nightmare having to deal with new people, as you said…’

‘What’s with the interrogation Ju? I’ve already told you everything I did when I worked there.’

‘I was just a little surprised that Nick seemed to know you pretty well, and you don’t even remember him, apparently.’

‘Apparently? Preciosa, I really-‘

‘Raf, look at me.’

Rafael looked at Julie. His green eyes were suddenly too inexpressive for her own good. Her brown was filled with questions.

‘Julie. I swear to you that I don’t remember. In fact, I was never close to anyone working there, if there was something meaningful to tell, I would have already told you.’

‘Promise?’

‘Promise. In fact, tell him I say hi back, don’t want to be rude. Also, let’s start packing. We are going back to Iowa.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The drive was silent, mainly because Julie fell asleep almost the entire journey. He felt awful for lying. God, he hated Nick Amaro. Rafael wanted to keep his new life away from his past life, but oh surprise, it was more difficult than ever. He thanked every day for ending up with a woman who never read the news, not even by mistake. A simple Google search would take out all the things he said and did during the past seven years, the good things and the bad things, and he didn’t know if Julie would love him still after that. He didn’t know if anyone would, actually.

He also felt like he was betraying Liv. He told Julie he didn’t have any friends there, but Liv was right there. He told Liv that he would keep in touch and that leaving the DA’s office wouldn’t change anything between them, but they hadn’t spoken in a very long time. He didn’t tell her about his relationship, not even that he was seeing someone in the first place. And now, it wasn’t a good time. He heard about Tucker’s passing and while he never liked him, he knew how much he meant to Liv and even Noah. But what could he say? “I’m sorry for your loss Liv; hey, can I introduce you to the love of my life?”

The love of his life.

Rafael looked at the woman in the passenger seat. She looked so peaceful. So calm. A warm feeling invaded his chest. He was so in love with her. When he learned that they had to go to Iowa next, he couldn't help but laugh at the irony: He was coming back to the place that he escaped to in an effort to disappear from everything, yet Julie never let that happen. She grounded him into reality, gave him her kindness, and reminded him that he was a good person. She gave him a reason to come back to New York. And now, he was in Iowa again, but not alone. Never alone again.

They would eventually come back. He wanted nothing more for her than to go back to work, to use that brilliant brain of hers to help others, in a place where she would be recognized as the eminence she is. But in the meantime, he was happy to be close to her. He was grateful for the car rides, the slow dancing in the living room, eating meals together, and making love till dawn. It was a dream come true. She was his dream come true.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

‘I can’t bring wine, but I’ll ask Kathy if she knows a good pasta place where I can get some pesto. How does that sound?’

‘That sounds like I’m going to still miss you.’ Rafael said, bringing her closer to him.

‘It’s only one week…’ She said, caressing his beard.

‘I will have a chat with Sgt. Bell, I swear.’

‘I dare you to. Raf… I have to get dressed, or I’ll miss my flight.’

‘That will cost you miss…’ Rafael said as he began leaving kisses along her neck.’

‘Raf… cariño (darling)’

‘Ok… I’ll be ready in 10.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

‘Ok, but tell me where you work so I can go to Italy every now and then!’

Julie laughed. Amanda’s phone call surprised her, and she found herself having a long-distance lunch with her.

‘It’s not like that. I have to work and I don’t have time to visit anything.’

‘But in Italy!’

‘How is Jesse?’

‘Taller each day. Smarter as well. I’m very fortunate that she and Billie are still best friends.’

‘Who is Billie?’

‘Oh, my other daughter. She is my youngest.’

‘Two under two! Amanda, I can’t understand how you do it.’

‘Neither do I. That’s why I was calling you, to know if your babysitting offer was still up. That and also to talk, I suck at keeping in touch, I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t worry about that. Well, if I come back to New York any time soon, I’ll take them to the park. I’ll bring my roller skates.’

‘Wait, did you move?’

‘Something like that. I… was fired from one of my jobs and got really depressed. My boyfriend got offered a job where we can move and he took it, so I’ve been traveling a lot. It helped.’

‘Sorry to hear that.’

‘I’m fine. Hey it was nice to catch up, but I have to check some stuff with my boss here. Don’t disappear again ok?’

‘I’ll try my best. See you Julie.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

‘Oh, oh before I go, Happy Birthday…’

‘You are early.’

‘I wanted to be the first one. Regards to the squad, and Noah.’

Liv disappeared from his screen. A sad smile still on his lips. It was a brief video call. After all, what more can you say about a situation like this? Rafael stood up to stretch from his desk, his action making him accidentally knock over the photographs on his desk. He never liked it when people he worked with did that, but when Julie gave him the framed picture of him, Lucia, and Catalina for Christmas, suddenly it wasn’t a bad idea after all. He had another one, of him and Julie in Gstaad, and a third one, of him and Liv.

The lie tore his insides again. He needed to come clean. He wanted to. The most important people in his life were looking at him through their respective glasses. It was funny to see each picture, as they each represented an aspect of his life that was so compartmentalized. But he was lucky when the barrier between his mother and Julie broke. Maybe it would happen again. After all, Liv had opened his heart, but Julie filled every single corner of it.

Chapter Text

If there was something that Julie was very good at, was being confident at her job and skills. She would often present herself as cocky, even self-absorbed, but it was all for the show. Being a woman in STEM and in a male-dominated field, forced her to create this character who was not easily intimidated and who defended fiercely her discoveries and work. Then why she was shaking uncontrollably behind the curtain?

The invitation for the seminar series was a last–minute call and decision, as they let her know: the OCME had already given notice of her “difficult” attitude, and the scientific community decided against her participating in public conferences and events to “prevent” misunderstanding between them, the government and the NYPD. But sadly, another doctor became ill and she was in Chicago coincidentally at the same time.

The memories of her dismissal still tormented her, and she was very afraid that it would happen all over again. At least with her remote work, she was safe behind a screen, and with the Organised Crime Division, she had familiar faces that she almost trusted. Approximately 500 people were on the other side of that curtain; most of them probably didn’t receive the notification of the change of speaker, and would definitely leave the room as soon as she appeared.

With one last breath, she stepped out of her hiding spot, the announcer finishing her resume and introducing her once again. Then she saw them. Warner, Mahoney, her students (with the painful exception of Nick), and some other colleagues from the office and the university. All of the in the front seats, smiling happily as Julie began her introduction. Her heart also warmed up at the sight of Rafael: he was a couple of rows back, his eyes scanning the information in her slides and taking quick notes in his pad. They briefly locked eyes, encouragement and pride overflowing from his green orbs. She could do it.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

An outstanding amount of hands were up in the sky, eager to ask the young doctor some questions about the subject she just presented. Rafael listened attentively, as his girlfriend answered with confidence and patience, she was a fantastic narrator and teacher. He finished writing his own questions (there would be time later), and exited the auditorium, trying to find Julie before everyone else.

‘Mr. Barba!’

He turned around to see Melinda Warner walking towards him.

‘Hello Dr. Warner, long time not seeing you.’

‘I can say the same thing. What are you doing here? I didn’t know you were into forensics.’

‘Neither did I. Anything good back home?’

‘Did you hear that Carisi is now the newest A.D.A.?’

‘He finally did it, that bastard. Don’t tell him, but I’m proud.’

‘You should see him in court, he wants to be a little you.’

‘He wishes, anyway, I need to go. It was good to see you.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

So, he also does know Melinda. An uneasy feeling began filling Julie’s chest. The success of her conference long forgotten. She couldn’t wrap her head around on why Rafael wasn’t telling her the whole story. She was so tempted on going on the internet and looking for more information about his time as an A.D.A… as well as a certain Olivia Benson. But she made a promise, and couldn’t break it. The harsh words from her mother dangerously repeating in her head. She needed to trust him.

‘That’s our favorite girl!’

Her friends and colleagues took notice of her and quickly approached. Many hugs and congratulations repeated over and over. Six months had passed, after all.

‘Are you coming back for the holidays?’

‘You have to come back of Thanksgiving, at least!’

‘We miss you! The office is a mess.’

‘Let her breath for God’s sake!’ Melinda's firm voice soothed the turmoil.

‘Thanks Melinda. And thanks to all of you for coming all the way here, it truly means the world to me.’

‘Julie can I talk to you in private?’

Melinda and her sat at the noisy cafeteria. A “where are you?” text from Rafael and two missed calls appeared on her screen. “Busy” she answered. She was still mad. And having Melinda in front of her didn’t help. She wanted to ask her about him so badly, but she also feared disappointing Raf. Maybe it was indeed nothing, as he said. Perhaps she was imagining things and making a big deal about something minimal.

‘Did you hear me Julie?’

‘I’m sorry Melinda.’

‘I was saying that they fired them. I know you said you didn’t want to pursue any legal action, but someone filmed the whole thing and presented it to the disciplinary committee. They really couldn’t argue coherent things about your firing and well, it backlashed, badly.’

‘Well, it wasn’t just me. Mahoney, Álvarez, Miller… a lot of people were mistreated there, even you.’

‘The office is looking pretty different right now. Slowly but surely we are changing stuff there.’

‘I’m glad to hear that.’

‘We are missing a little bit of music, though.’

‘Melinda… I don’t know…’

‘They are no longer there Julie, and we can ask for a public apology if that’s what you want.’

‘Who is now the Chief M.E.?’

‘Me.’

‘What? Why?’

‘Seeing how things would be, I decided to extend my contract for a couple of years. I’m running the place now and I need you there.’

‘I’ll think about it…’

Julie’s phone started vibrating once again, this time an unknown number.

‘Tell the rest I’ll be back for Thanksgiving, Raf’s contract is also almost done, and we have to figure out what to do next...’

‘Raf?’

Once again, her phone received a call from the mysterious caller.

‘I’m sorry Melinda, I should take this. I’ll let you know about my decision. Thanks again.’

‘Sure Julie, I’ll see you soon.’

Julie exited the cafeteria and was heading towards the parking lot, where Rafael was waiting for her. She stopped to press a button, accepting the charges from a call from Rikers.

‘Hello?’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The whole barrio knew that one day, Joe would end up in prison, even Julie. But when she listened to him, traumatized as he recalled the events that led up to his arrest, her heart was filled with sadness. He called her “his only family,” which was in a way true; the Marquez were the only thing left in his life outside his gang after his fight with his siblings.

Upon Joe’s petition, Rafael also listened to the conversation. Though he didn’t participate in the beating, he was a witness, and Rafael explained the legal implications, especially considering that his minimal involvement was on video. But when Barba tried to ask him questions to start his case and get him out of there, Joe stopped him. He only wanted to know how much of his sentence could be reduced with good behaviour.

‘We can get you out of there Joe, did you hear that?’

‘I’ve done many things morra, I deserve to pay for all my sins.’

‘Joe…’

‘If everything goes well, I’ll see you soon. Tell your parents I went away for some time, ok?’

‘Please, Joe…’

‘Thank you both for your help. I promise your morra, that when I get out, I’ll only be a good person. I’ll even become a cop. Cuídate por favour (Take care, please).’

And with that, the call ended. Rafael quickly hugged Julie tightly. She buried her face on his chest. She felt like she had failed Joe: he once told her that he was cautious whenever he had to do “business” because she was around, and he didn’t want to worry about her or her parents. She regretted so much leaving him there alone. He was a good man; he just needed some help.

‘I failed him.’

‘Don’t say that, he didn’t want a defence. And it was true what I told him, maybe if he behaves he can get out in two years, the charges are considerably less severe than his gang members.’

‘Do you think he could have gotten a better deal?’

‘I don’t know. Usually defence attorneys don’t take cases like this ones, and the public ones are overworked and don’t pay enough attention to their clients.’

‘It’s unfair. I mean, I know Joe did wrong things and in a way I agree that he deserves to pay for what he did, but he also deserves a fair trial.’

‘I know…’

That night at the hotel, Rafael and Julie silently watched a random movie. His hand caressing her back, moving up and down softly. She decided the Melinda incident was not worth mentioning, and Rafael chose not to push her to discuss the conference.

‘What are you thinking?’

He placed a soft kiss on her forehead. ‘About what you said earlier. The fair trial thing… what if I do that.’

‘What?’

‘Becoming a defence lawyer.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah… I mean, I never really considered it because there are cases where the criminal deserves the punishment. I would feel morally not ok defending that kind of people, especially if you play dirty to win, like Buchanan.’

‘But there are some who are worthy.’

‘Exactly…’

‘We could put an office in a spare room, or even the living room...’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Melinda came to the conference, she offered my job back. The people that fired me are gone now, and the payment is good… we’ve always wanted a house Raf…’

Rafael turned to look at her. ‘Are you sure Ju? I don’t want us to be in places we regret later.’

‘I think it’s time to go back, and create the life we always wanted to live… we both miss New York, you miss the court, and I miss my lab.’

‘And we both want a life together.’

‘And we both want a life together.’

Chapter Text

“5

4

3

2

1

Happy New Year!”

Four glasses of champagne and one of sparkling water clicked at the same time. The five individuals gathered in a warm embrace. The unpacked boxes surrounding the television created the perfect frame, between present and future. Two mothers sharing a daughter, and a father laughing with his new son. Inside the boxes, there were hard-covers and second-hand books; principles of Law and introduction to Forensic Science; passports with missing stamps from Switzerland; vases of all shapes and sizes; a stereo with the ever-growing vinyl collection; a Cuban and a Mexican flag; and of course, the papers that named both Julieta Márquez and Rafael Barba as the owners of their little piece of heaven in New York.

It was a beautiful, classic two-story house, with a back and front garden and a garage. It used to belong to a retired lawyer, so it was equipped with a neat office with a roof-to-floor window that led to the garden. It had a guest room on the first floor for whenever their parents visited and a second one upstairs. A balcony decorated the principal room, where early in the morning, the two lovebirds would drink coffee before work and tea before bed. In other words, it was perfect.

A family had rented her apartment, and, although the pay was not much (Julie did not want to burden people with the expenses involved in renting) it was enough to add to her compensation from the OCME and Rafael's salary and the money from his apartment to purchase it. They needed to do a few things; it was an old house after all, but they would have to wait until “Joe came back from California”.

They were still moving and settling in when he received the call.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to eat anything before you go? I finally found the pan. Can I fix some eggs for you, an omelet?’

‘Thank you preciosa, but I’m actually having breakfast with the people I’m supposed to meet.’

‘Old colleagues?’

‘Something like that, I’ll see you later. Te amo (I love you).’

‘I love you too.’

______________________________________________________________________________________

For a place where death reigned, the OCME that day seemed more alive than ever. A feeling of excitement increased exponentially as the arrival time approached. Standing on top of the entrance staircase, Julie stared at the building with mixed emotions.

‘No seas tonta, no va a ser como la última vez. (Don’t be stupid, it won’t be like the last time).‘ She muttered to herself.

‘Welcome back kiddo.’ Warner was waiting for her and some of her colleagues, students and friends. Everybody was excited to have her back and was asking her multiple questions about her whereabouts.

‘Before the mandatory welcome cake, I need to go over some things if that’s ok with you.’

‘Of course, your office?’

‘My new office. I left my old one to you.’

They entered the elevator, where more people greeted Julie and expressed their happiness on her return. Any feelings of doubt or distraught left Julie immediately, and suddenly she felt at home again. Despite everything that happened in the past, she loved working there. She actually felt like she was making a difference for all the victims, alive and dead, and she was more ready than ever to go back to the morgue and her lab, and start her investigations.

Her father would always say that you have to fall before going back up, stronger than ever, and Julie was feeling like that. She was in her game, and she was winning this time.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

He was a mess.

A terrible mess.

He opted for a cold shower to calm his thoughts, but not even that was helping. It all happened so fast. First, he was having breakfast with Liv and Fin; next, he watched Carisi straight into the eye, accepting to defend Mickey Davis. Then he was at the 16th precinct, for the first time in almost three years. Everything was so changed: the people, the noises, the arrangement… he felt like a stranger, despite many people saying hi to him as he entered the captain’s office. To end his frantic day, he finally went to Rikers to meet for the first time with his client.

He slowly reached for the bottle, his mind going back and forth to what to do next. It was his first time as a defense attorney, his first case back in New York, and the first time he would have to face Carisi, his “pupil” as he used to call himself. It was also a complex case: Davis cold-blooded murdered his daughter’s rapist, and showed no remorse, of course.

On top of everything, he felt like Liv was mad at him. Seeing her in person after all this time brought back many memories, and he realized she still had that damn spell on him. More times than he wanted to admit, Rafael had bent his principles, morals and even a little bit the law, to please Liv and her idea of justice. She was a charming woman, a compassionate soul who would go to the end of the world for the people she worked for, and being the A.D.A. at the time, he felt this determination contagious. With the snap of her finger, he would carve the minimal detail to turn the case around, to benefit the victims as much as possible.

It all sounded beautiful, right? But, sometimes, Liv would turn a blind eye to some instances or try to use her position to benefit the cases she was most drawn to. And Rafael had fallen for that too—many times. There were occasions when his blind faith would cause significant problems, especially when he had to act against her wishes. That made her mad, and the next thing he knew, the whole NYPD was on his back, pressuring him to change his opinion, or to drop the case.

And then everybody was mad at him. And with this case, it was no different. He received the call and left without having breakfast to meet her because Liv asked him to. He helped SVU once again to find a good defense for Davis (which turned out to be himself) because Liv asked him to. He was preparing the deal he would make to Carisi because Liv asked him to. Then, when Carisi didn’t accept, he was reprimanded by Chief Garland for trying to explain why they were going to court, because Liv asked him to.

If you had asked him a couple of years ago if he could win this, he wouldn’t even hesitate. But now, after some time away from New York’s Supreme Court, he wasn’t that sure. He didn’t know if he still had it, and he was entering new territory, barely prepared. The following weeks would be a living hell.

‘Ju! Have you seen the index cards?’

‘The white ones?’

‘Yes, I think I don’t have any left…’

‘You can borrow mine, they are in my backpack, the colorful ones.’

‘Thanks honey.’ He said, finally stepping out of the shower.

‘What happened to you??’

‘What happened to you as well?’

Barba and Julie stared at each other. The upper part of her hair was held in a half ponytail, her blue-painted hair fragments standing out vividly after her recent visit to the salon. The bottom part was new: thin dreadlocks were clearly seen interspersed with normal hair. Honestly speaking, he was mesmerized. Julie would always experiment with her hair, her colorful piercings, and tattoos, but she hadn’t really changed anything since she met Rafael, until that day.

‘I told you I wanted to get dreadlocks for some time. Amy and I went to the salon after work, do you like them?’

‘Yeah, they just took me by surprise. You look gorgeous.’

‘Thanks…. And I thought you liked your beard…’

Rafael caressed his beardless chin. He did like the beard, especially because shaving irritated his skin deeply and also because Julie loved to play with it when they were in bed. She would often comment on how much she liked it and how handsome he looked, so for love and pride, he let it grow. But after meeting with Liv for the second time, she suggested that a freshly shaved face and a more formal look might be a good idea, especially since the appearance gave young Carisi an advantage in all his cases.

‘I do… I did… But I’m going to court. They like the “clean-cut” kind of people.’

‘Well, I hope I never go there if that’s the case. Do you have a client?’

‘Yes, my first defense case.’

Julie’s bright smile softened a little bit Rafael’s worried factions. ‘I’m proud of you, honey, I know you are going to do well.’

She hugged him tightly and proceeded to kiss him. He kissed right back, his worries and problems slowly dissipating each moment he had her in his arms. Julie continued kissing him softly, leaving kisses along his cheek until she reached his ear.

‘Sé que estás nervioso, hace tiempo que no haces esto. Pero confío plenamente que harás lo necesario para tu cliente, y el resultado será el mejor para las dos partes. Y tú debes de confiar en ti mismo también. Eres maravilloso Raf, y estoy aquí contigo para lo que necesites. (I know you're nervous, it's been a while since you've done this. But I have every confidence that you will do what is necessary for your client, and the outcome will be the best for both parties. And you should trust yourself as well. You are wonderful Raf, and I am here with you for whatever you need).’

‘Have I told you lately how much I love you?’

‘I could use some more.’

Both laughed. ‘I’m sorry, how was your day?’

‘Really exciting actually, I’m starting a new line of investigation, about tau protein deposits detection and CTE.’

‘I cannot wait to find out what that is.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The jury selection took longer than he expected, and the trial as well. He was exhausted, but his sarcasm and charm saved him from showing any weakness to Carisi. He wasn't going to say it out loud, but he was very proud of the boy, even if he didn't enjoy the way he was clearly copying his mannerisms and speech pattern. He played his best cards. Every night he reviewed his evidence, arguments, and statements. They needed to be perfect. HE needed to be perfect.

Julie was the one that finished the settling-in process, and started decorating by herself. She would often give him long looks as she placed his law books in his office, pleading him to eat something or to go to bed with her. She was proud of how committed he was to his job and his clients, but she was very worried about how that was affecting his mental health. She didn’t want him to go back to how she met him.

‘Have you talked about this in therapy?’

‘Privilege client-attorney, I cannot say anything about this trial.’

‘I know that, that’s not what I meant. I was referring to you, not getting any sunlight or skipping meals. That’s not healthy Raf.’

‘I promise I’ll do better once this is over.’

‘You are already going above and beyond for your client. You conducted your investigation by yourself, when other lawyers have interns or the police for that.’

‘Yes, which means I cannot slow down or back up. The verdict is tomorrow.’

‘Raf… you will hate me for this, but what happens, happens. You’ve proven yourself, I’m sure. I’m worried about you.’

‘If you were so worried, you would let me finish this!’ Rafael snapped. He looked up from his desk. His expression quickly softened as soon as he made eye contact.

‘I’m sorry preciosa. This case… this people… I just want to do my best… to prove that I’m worthy...’

‘Why did you accept this case?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Rita was here the other day. She told me that this case was related to an SVU case. She didn’t go into details, don’t worry, I know you don’t like that. Why do you keep going back there, if it hurts you so much?’

‘I… I don’t know.’

‘You don’t owe them anything, Raf.’

Rafael’s phone rang. The name “Liv” appeared on his screen. Barba let it sound for a couple of seconds until he finally declined the call and followed Julie to bed.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Guilty.

Manslaughter II.

Three and a half years.

Rafael left the court with a mixture of melancholy and relief. He even went to have drinks with the squad after the verdict, despite the apparent grudge that Carisi was holding towards him. It wasn’t the result that neither lawyer wanted, but doing anything further would overcomplicate things and at least Rafael wanted to let it go. For him and for Julie. He promised her that he would not take another case that SVU asked for, he was a private attorney with no strings to either institution, and he was starting to receive clients, so there was no need. He just needed to be strong enough to say no.

He arrived home and immediately called his next client. His desk was once again a mess, with towers of paper becoming taller and taller as he and his client chatted about the situation, the facts, the lies and the possible witnesses he could call. After his phone call, he debated between starting his opening statement, e-mailing the witnesses, or cleaning his office. His answer came in the form of music, as the soft guitar knocked on his window and the kind and delicate movement of Julie’s long skirt invited him to dance with his love.

“Farolito, que alumbras apenas

Mi calle desierta

¿Cuántas noches me viste llorando

Llamar a su puerta?

Sin llevarle más que una canción

Un pedazo de mi corazón

Sin llevarle más nada que un beso

Friolento, travieso, amargo y dulzón”

(Little streetlamp, you barely illuminate

My deserted street

How many nights have you seen me crying

Knocking on his door?

Bringing him nothing but a song

A piece of my heart

Bringing him nothing but a kiss

Cold, naughty, bitter and sweet)

Chapter Text

‘This sounds like a dystopian future.’

‘I know, like magic, but real.’

‘Do you really think it might be possible to detect it.’

‘I’m positive that we are leaning towards that direction… and even a little bit more if you are here to help me.’

‘I still have to finish and defend my thesis.’

‘And the paper will read Dr. Amaro and Dr. Márquez, although I will be first author, of course.’

‘I love seeing you so happy Julie.’

‘I’m very happy Nick, and more now that you are here, how long until you go?’

‘That’s also another thing. I’m back in New York indefinitely.’

Despite Julie not even reaching Nick’s chest, she was able to pull him down for a big hug. Nick answered her hug, a huge smile on both faces.

‘What do you say if… I’ll let you help me with my autopsy, I have some techniques I want to show you. Let’s see how California has prepared you.’

‘I’ll do my best.’

Julie opened the door to Morgue 3, and stared at the body covered on the examination table. Nick changed into his scrubs (after a quick phone call to Warner allowed him to watch her perform the examination) and helped her prepare her material and also the recorder for the logbook, pressing play as soon as Julie entered once again after scrubbing; he didn’t want to miss her “introduction”, as he liked to call it, when Julie gave reassuring words (part to the body on the table, part to herself) before every autopsy.

‘Hello there, my name is Julie and I will be performing your examination. You can rest now; we will take care of everything I promise. You are in good hands.’ Julie started to unzip the bag. The movement was slow but precise until a face appeared—a woman, white, blonde. Julie froze; her hand still on the zipper and the other one slowly reaching towards the woman’s face.

‘Julie, are you ok?’ Nick stopped the recording.

‘What’s the name?’

‘The name?’

‘I was distracted and I didn’t read the file. You did that. What’s the name? Nick!’

‘Hmmm here it is. Her name is Stabler, Kathy.’

______________________________________________________________________________________

‘Hi Elizabeth, it’s Julie. Please answer the phone. I’m… so sorry. If you want to talk I’m here.’

That was the fifth Stabler and the last phone call she could do before her battery died. She could only stare at the examination table, questioning how that could happen. Nick, unable to legally manipulate the corpse, just stared at Julie, passing her the tools as she performed the autopsy of her friend. Her temple was serene and focused, though her voice occasionally broke, just enough to catch Nick’s attention. Her broken spleen, burnt tissue, and multiple traumas were consisting with a massive impact, a bomb perhaps. She examined every inch of her body, twice, trying to make sense of everything, but she ultimately closed her open wounds and closed her bag again. The family had requested the body back once the examination concluded.

Nick followed her closely, ready to hold her in case, well, in case she needed. But she didn’t. She closed the door, took her scrub cap and slowly sat on the floor. Nick mimicked her actions.

‘I used to call her “Kathybella” because I accidentally called her Sgt. Bell the first time I arrived in Italy. I didn’t know my boss in person. I combined the names because I thought she was just so beautiful, but there was more to it: she was kind, lovely, caring… she had five kids, did you know? I was looking forward to finally having her in New York; Bell told me that her husband was transferring… that was the exciting news.’

‘Julie, I’m terribly sorry about this…’

‘Her daughter Maureen called me, a couple of nights ago, to let me know that her parents had arrived. I wasn’t able to meet them at the airport. “I’ll do it later, we have time” I thought.’

‘Do you want me to do something? What can I do Jules?’

‘I need you to go to the lab and make that blood work their top priority. I’ll give my report to Warner.’

‘Julie…’

‘I hope you are ready for this job Nick, ‘cause sometimes it fucking hurts.’

______________________________________________________________________________________

‘Preciosa? Are you home?’

Rafael placed his coat on the coat rack and his briefcase on the chair. It had been a good, if tiring, day. He had visited all his clients for the day and it seemed that the jury would benefit him in one of those trials. He also received a call from Calhoun with the news that Buchanan was furious that several of his potential clients had inclined for Rafael to take their cases. As he turned the light on, he was startled by the view of Julie crouched in a corner, staring at her phone.

‘Mi cargador no está funcionando, ¿me prestas el tuyo? (My phone charger is not working, can I borrow yours?)’. Julie said without looking up.

‘Sure… are you ok?’. He said, handing her the charger.

‘As ok as I can be after performing an autopsy on my friend.’

Rafael kneeled down, carefully surrounding Julie with his arms.

‘Who?’

‘Kathy…’

‘I cannot imagine what that feels like, my love… if there’s anything I can do…’

‘I just need this damn phone to charge so I can call somebody, anybody!’ Julie snapped.

Rafael ignored her harsh tone, knowing perfectly the place where it came from. An incoming call quickly made Julie stand up.

‘Dickie? Yes, I’m sorry my phone ran out of battery. How are you? That was a stupid question; I’m sorry… I’ll be there. See you tomorrow.’

‘The funeral?’

‘Yes... kinda… they are all gathered in Maureen’s place. I’ll go before work to give my condolences, and see if they need anything. I don’t think I’ll stay for the funeral, though; it’s just going to be family.’

Rafael pulled Julie into his arms, carefully caressing her hair. ‘I’m here, I’ll always be here.’

‘Thank you, honey.’

If there was something Rafael loved and hated simultaneously about Julie, it was that she was a huge empath. She cared deeply, sometimes too much, and was ready to help whenever her loved ones needed. Their tragedies were her tragedies. And at the same time, Julie felt like she was not worthy of feeling as much as everybody else. She felt like someone needed to be as serene as possible, to bring comfort to those who needed the most. And thus, she would often sacrifice her own feelings to not let others suffer more. Rafael knew that she was terribly sad about Kathy’s passing, and that mostly she wanted to scream and cry and live her grief, but there she was. Not a tear in sight and prepping meals for the kids and the widower. With a sigh, he approached the kitchen, and started placing containers and chopping ingredients to help her.

______________________________________________________________________________________

It was 6:00 AM when a very tired Kathleen answered the door, her eyes opening wide to the gigantic amount of food that Julie was carrying for her, her siblings, and dad. Rafael had helped her get them out of the car and quickly left to see another client. Despite being almost the same age, Julie felt like a cool aunt to her and Maureen, being one of the only people who procured her mother and the only friend she talked about in her letters from Rome.

Eli quickly came to hug her, and Elizabeth and Dickie gave her sad but grateful looks. The poor teenager was clearly having a rough time, and Julie sat on their couch, stroking his hair softly as he placed his head on her lap and hugged his knees. The rest of the siblings decided to have breakfast early and sat in the living room with the homemade food that “Aunt Julie” gave them. They were almost done when the tall figure of Elliot Stabler appeared, the same tired and sad expression on his face.

Julie excused herself as she got up and signaled Elliot to follow her outside. Struggling to decide on the appropriate gesture, a hug or a handshake, Elliot took the matter to his hands and gave her a strong hug, full of gratitude. You see, Elliot and Julie didn’t have the greatest of starts. Their opposing personalities, but similar temperaments, made them clash on more than one occasion, with Elliot questioning the young forensic scientist's experience and capabilities, and Julie complaining about the detective's attitude and actions. But little by little they managed to smooth out those differences, thanks in part to Kathy, reaching a point where each one performed their work efficiently and cordially. They were not really friends, but Elliot respected Julie and appreciated her for being his wife's friend and getting along with all his children. Her laid-back attitude was missing in his family and when he learned of his transfer to New York, he made a point of getting to know her better...if only the circumstances were different.

‘How are you doing?’

‘Trying to hold on… I saw your name at the autopsy…’

‘That’s how I found out.’

‘I’m sorry about that…’

‘What happened Elliot?’

‘A car bomb, but I suspect there’s more to it.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘Yes. I promise you Márquez, I’m going to find whoever is responsible and make them pay.’

‘I know it’s difficult, but don’t let your hunger for justice blind you. Your kids need you Elliot.’

‘Can you come sometimes, you know, to talk with them? They like you, and I can’t with everything.’

‘I’m one phone call away whenever they need it, especially Eli. I need to go to work Elliot; please let me know if you need anything; I’m here for all of you.’

‘Thank you Márquez, thank you so much.’

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The down part of being a defense attorney, is that sometimes you need to work with horrible people. Rafael got a call from Rikers that morning: the caller didn’t say much but let him know that his client was high profile and not to let him fool himself. This time, he was innocent, despite anything he could find on the internet.

Richard Wheatley received him enumerating Rafael’s multiple accomplishments; his height, voice and complexion were enough to send shivers down the spine of anyone who dared to watch the scene, whoever Barba remained unfazed. His cocky demeanor and sarcastic answers were enough to convince the businessman to hire him.

Anyone who has met Rafael would declare him insane if they knew about their decision to defend such criminal. And Rafael, as well, would plead for insanity at that precise moment. But he had to. After revising the documents and statements, it was clear to him that NYPD was way too involved in the case, especially the 16th precinct, especially Captain Olivia Benson and former partner Elliot Stabler. It was way too obvious where this was going. Any other lawyer would see that and start a more extensive investigation, regarding all the previously mentioned, and it would end bad, really, really bad.

He needed to intervene; otherwise, Liv would pay for all the broken plates of her and Stabler’s misconduct during the investigation. It pained him, but he needed to find a way to show the framing of his client without putting Liv or, much to his annoyance, Elliot in danger. Wheatley was a very intelligent man, and Rafael knew he would eventually discover his true intentions, but it wouldn’t matter if the verdict was in his favor.

‘Mr. Barba? I just noticed something. One of the M.E. who works for the Organized Crime division is the same one who performed Kathy Stabler’s autopsy. Dr. Márquez. Maybe we could go there.’

‘The OCME is understaffed, especially after firing some of the oldest members. The prosecutor would argue that some poor doctor is trying to balance different jobs for the institute’s mediocre salary. I wouldn’t bother, especially after the autopsy showed nothing new.’

‘You are the expert then…’ Barba's expressionless eyes were fighting his urge to hit Wheatley in the face. That’s the other reason he took the case: Julie would have been an easy target, for both the prosecution and the defense, and they could easily frame her and make her pay for things she wasn’t even aware about. And Barba would rather die than let anything happen to her. He knew she would be furious at him if she ever knew about all of this. She explicitly expressed her desire to see whoever caused Kathy’s death in prison, but there was too much at stake, and Rafael had to fight for all of that alone.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

There was something wrong going on with that case. Julie noticed Rafael’s eye bags becoming more noticeable each day, and also that every time he left the house, he would take time to tell her how much he loved her and to take care of her. The mild paranoia told Julie that his client this time was someone dangerous, possibly someone indeed guilty. The defense path was not an easy one, especially when cases like this came up, but she trusted Rafael’s morals and principles, and that whatever was happening inside that court, his boyfriend was handling as best as he could.

That didn’t mean she wasn’t worried. She knew the case was, though whenever his habits started to become more and more destructive. And let’s add to that the possibility of something happening to him based on orders from his client. The knot on her stomach grew with just thinking about it.

In addition to the uncertainty that she felt at home, she also had to deal with the sadness and worries of the Stabler household. She would talk to each of the siblings periodically, and Stabler chose her as his unofficial “recovery person”, if that term even existed. They would go to run laps on different parts of the city early in the morning, way too early. Then they would talk about something that had nothing to do with the case, the kids, or Kathy, although all conversations ended somehow with an anecdote of his time in SVU. Through his memories, she got to meet Olivia Benson, yes, the same Olivia that Nick mentioned and the same “Liv” that was apparently close to Rafael at one point. He told her about his mother, his father, his tattoos… basically anything Elliot wanted to discuss. It was his grief, and Julie was there to listen.

She was tempted to go to the trial, especially after Eli called her in tears after one tough day. Unlike his father, Eli didn’t say a word and just hugged Julie in silence, trying to reassure him. She decided against this, especially because she wouldn’t handle well seeing the images of Kathy’s body again. Rafael also told her not to go, arguing about her relationship with the family and that if the defense knew about her performing the autopsy with Nick present, they would call her to declare, and things would get messy.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

‘Kathleen told me they declared it a mistrial. Everyone was really upset.’

Julie buried her face on Rafael’s chest. He felt her body relax against him as he continued to draw circles on her bare back. His eyes were glued to their bedroom ceiling, and he did not even notice that Julie had stolen the bedsheets once again.

‘I imagine that.’

‘Honestly, I’m happy it’s over. Let Kathy’s memory rest and the family heal. It was doing more bad than good to them.’

‘Sometimes that’s the way to go.’

‘What about you? Is your horrible case finally over?’

‘Yes. I won.’

‘I’m glad, honey. See? You can rock that beard and still win.’ Both laughed. ‘You see, I was very worried that something would happen if you didn’t win.’

‘Me too…’

‘I’m so glad we are going to Switzerland this year… I’m so ready to go away from all this mess. We both deserve it.’

‘This has been one hell of a year.’

‘I’m glad it is over, but I’m happy we pulled it through together. We truly make a great team, don’t you think?’

‘Hmmm.’ Rafael stopped staring at the ceiling and locked his eyes with his beloved brown ones. A smile appeared on her face, and his heart grew a little bit for that simple action. It always happened with that smile, since day one.

‘What? You don’t think that?’

‘Yes. And also that I want to marry you.’

‘What?’

Rafael reached for his bureau, taking out a small box. A small silver ring with a little diamond appeared before Julie’s teared-filled eyes.

‘Don’t worry, I’ve already asked your parents.’

‘Raf…’

‘You deserve the world, Julie, and I will spend the rest of my life giving you that.’

‘I only want the world if I can share it with you Raf. Of course, I want to marry you.’

Chapter Text

'Just so we are clear, I feel betrayed by you. And I don't how I'll ever get over it.'

'Be true my son, only that.'

'Promise me that you are going to be ok, and work on whatever your heart needs.'

'Do you feel guilty for what you've done?'

'Then why are you defending the man that killed my wife?'

'Raf...'

'Raf...'

'Raf... wake up.'

Rafael's eyes opened violently, his vision blurry, and his pajamas covered in sweat. He tried focusing on Julie, lying next to him and holding his hand.

'I'm ok...'

'It's the fifth time this week. You've never had nightmares before; this is starting to worry me.'

'I'm fine... just a lot of things to think about at work.'

'Raf...'

'Go back to bed, preciosa, I'll be right back, I promise.'

Clearly, Rafael was not ok. Ever since they came from Switzerland, the images from the Wheatley trial had been repeating constantly in his head. Liv's last words to him repeated in his head constantly, and not only in his dreams. Yes, she asked him not to defend Wheatley, but he had no option, no if he wanted to protect her from all the wrongful things that she and her squad did. Wasn't that what they wanted in the Mickey Davis case, for example? To have someone on the defense who would fight for the same things that the NYPD needed and would guarantee a good deal for everyone? He was on their side, but the anger and pain didn't seem to dissipate from their eyes.

And what about her betrayal? Stabler had been away for ten years, and suddenly appears like nothing happened and Liv accepts it. Long forgotten were Rafael and Olivia's silent conversations and confidential glances. It was all Elliot now, and it used to be his. And he hated that. He also hated that Stabler and his fiancée were getting closer with their morning runs; he knew that Julie was trying to be nice to the widow, and he never doubted her fidelity to him, but the fact that he was a big part of the lives of the two women in his life that mattered to him the most (except his mother, of course), and that he already managed to take away one, killed him.

He also had flashbacks from his conversation with Nick. After a Sunday mass, Julie invited him to her usual meetings with the Amaro family. Rafael was able to meet the ex-detective's wife, as well as their children, and observed the sincere friendship they had with Julie. When the women went out with the kids to buy things for dinner, he and Nick were left alone, and Nick asked the obvious: how much Julie knew about SVU and the job Barba used to have, especially because of Julie's ignorance of Liv's existence. Barba seemingly convinced Nick that he was trying to leave all that stuff in the past and that if Julie and Liv hadn't met yet, it was merely circumstantial. He was grateful that Amaro left the squad before all the most traumatic events happened to him, especially his reason for leaving.

And last, he couldn't take his mind away from the lies he had been telling Julie. He knew of her constant visits to the Stablers, and on each occasion, he prayed with all his might that upon her return, Julie would not throw a vase at his head, accusing his participation in the defense of her friend's murderer. Wheatley's death had been very convenient for him because, to this day, she would only come back with anecdotes from the siblings, the same ones who watched him with hatred in their eyes during the whole trial. When he asked him for Julie's hand, Julio had only one condition: to be true to her, no lies. And there he was.

Oh, and if that weren't enough, he would lie to her again. He was going to work on a case with SVU. He still wasn't strong enough to say no to Liv.

______________________________________________________________________________________

She wished Rafael could've come with her this time. It was a last two-week task in Italy before transferring the operation to New York. But this time, Kathy wouldn't pick her up at the airport. They wouldn't go shopping or on long walks. She wouldn't tell her about her kids anymore and Julie wouldn't complain about her husband. Julie wouldn't tell her about her engagement...

Julie hadn't been able to cry this lost (or anything really, not that she could remember the last time) and felt like it had been too long to be crying still. So, she decided to focus on her work, like always whenever it gets hard. She was grateful for her books, because they had held her back many more times than she wished to admit, preventing her soul from breaking and her being from spilling out until no trace of Julie was left.

She was also grateful for Rafael. Despite his worries and night terrors, he had been adoringly kind and comprehensible with her. She would arrive home to a delicious Cuban dinner, wine, and music. Despite her happy demeanor for everyone who asked, she still carried her own melancholy, which was only visible to Rafael. She allowed herself to be vulnerable with him, and he took a little of the burden away from her with his love. She truly couldn't believe a man like that was real and that she would marry him.

A week into her stay, she received a message from Rafael asking her to call him as soon as possible.

'Hi Raf, cariño (darling), what's up? Are you in court?'

'I'm on a break; my client had to be medically evaluated.'

'Oh, sorry to hear that, I hope everything turns out fine.'

'I actually wanted to ask you something about that.'

'What can I help you with?'

'You told me about your research on Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, right? Is it possible to detect that if the person is still alive?'

'Usually not. The trauma that the brain was exposed to is revealed post-mortem, after the brain is dissected at the autopsy; that's how you diagnose it. However, my team has been trying to reach a medium point to make the diagnosis while the person is still alive. However, it might only be possible after years of prolonged trauma, like a football player or boxer.'

'Which test could be made?'

'Mmmm maybe an MRI where the Tau protein deposits could be seen, especially in the cortex area and a further confirmation with a spinal tap. I have a review article about that, I'll send it to you.'

'Preciosa, I think you just saved my case.'

'Get them my love.'

'I owe you something big when you come back. I love you.'

'Can't wait, love you too.'

'Rafael? Or should I say counselor?'

Rafael turned around to a surprising view.

'Joe? Is that really you?'

'Yeah, I kept my promise, I'm a detective now.'

'For the 16th precinct?'

'Yeah SVU. Hey, sorry I haven't been around. I wanted to personally surprise Julie but the workload here is massive.'

'You don't tell...'

'So please don't tell her yet.'

'Promise.'

'And... good news and bad news travel fast. Congratulations.'

'Thanks, and also, we haven't told anyone yet, so also please keep quiet. I have to go to Bellevue; see you around Joe.'

'See you.'

______________________________________________________________________________________

Some say that you can think better with your feet up in the air. Julie questioned it at first, but she found herself having deep thoughts on her yoga class that Saturday. Like for example: what was Amanda's last name (she never asked)? What was the thing that made Nick change his career? Was Elliot feeling things for that woman, Olivia? Who was Olivia Benson? Why did Rafael had a case involving CTE (was it a football player, a boxer, or a DV case...)? Why was that kid staring at her?

She planted her feet on the ground, continuing the flow that the yoga instructor in the front was dictating. The kid continued to stare at her, his gaze a mixture of worry and sadness. It was pretty obvious he didn't know where he was; Julie had never seen him around and she could brag about knowing the families that were usually in the park when she had her yoga lesson. As she gathered her things, she quietly approached the kid.

'Hi there! Are you waiting for someone?'

The kid just stared at her. His piercing blue eyes examined her tattoos, dreadlocks and piercings. She couldn't tell if he was scared, confused, or something else, so she decided to approach once again.

'My name is Julie, what's yours?'

Silence.

'Where is this place?'

'You talk, excellent. Well, little man, you are in Washington Heights. Is that where you are supposed to be?'

'No...' Now, a look of pure terror and worry appeared on his face.

'Hey, don't worry, I can call your parents or the police if you want.'

'No! You are not going to do that!'

'Woah, ok, calm down. Is someone hurting you?'

'No... it's just... everything!'

The eventual tears started to flow in the poor kid's eyes. Julie tried to hold his hand but the curly-haired boy began running in the opposite direction. Julie started to sprint after him, worried that a kid with his features would eventually alert the bad population of her neighborhood. After following through different streets, Julie feared that she had lost him, until....

'Niño, bájate de ahí te vas a caer (Kid, get down there, you are going to fall).'

Julie looked up. Somehow, the little boy managed to climb a tree next to a bodega. Remembering the old days when she would do that for fun, Julie began her way up, scratching her knee in the process. She definitely wasn't 12 anymore.

'Now that's an impressive feature, a runner and a climber.'

'Leave me alone.'

'Hey, whatever it is bothering you, it can be solved. Your parents are not going to be mad at you...'

'They won't because they are dead. I'm adopted.'

'Oh then you are so lucky; you have a parent that chose you, and loved you before they even met you. Not all people have that privilege.'

'Then why is she always away? She is more occupied with her old partner and doesn't have time to play with me anymore.'

'With partner are you referring to a boyfriend?'

'No, her old partner from work, he suddenly appeared out of the blue.'

'Oh well, maybe something happened to him.'

'Maybe...'

'And maybe your mom was being a good friend and was trying to help him.'

'But it was like I didn't exist for weeks!'

'Look buddy, moms are not perfect. They are human; they cannot be in two places at once, and even more if they are doing it all alone, which I think is the case right?'

The kid nodded.

'I think your mom deserves big kudos for everything she pulls off. Sometimes as kids we don't realize how much they do for us and how hard it is to balance everything. My mom likes to protect those who cannot be protected, and when I was around your age, I was really mad at her, because she would go to all these protests and not come back even for days, and I was left all alone. But then I realized that, in reality, my mom was doing something significant and really brave and that her love was not being torn away from me but was being shared. And I think it's really cool that other people have a little bit of the mom that I have.'

'My mom does something very similar... I think you are right.'

'What do you say if we get off here? I'm starting to get dizzy.'

'You are a baby.'

As they got on the ground, Julie looked at the kid, feeling slightly calmer as his expression was no longer fearful.

'Now, will you tell me your name so I can get you to your mom?'

Julie had spoken too soon. As soon as she said those words, the look of worry returned to the kid's face. Holding her phone, she had to make a quick decision: either call the police or try to calm once again the kid. She didn't have time to choose, as the boy took her phone and quickly threw it in the sewer. Both faces stared as the phone drifted away. The kid, suddenly aware of his actions, started to cry again.

'I'm so sorry! I don't know why I did it! I've never done anything like this before!'

'It's ok buddy, it's ok... hey, are you hungry? We can eat something, like our problems away...'

'I'm sorry...'

Julie grabbed the kid's hand and headed towards the nearest subway entrance. Her mind was racing with thoughts of what to do next. She decided to take him to a McDonalds that was near a police precinct, and when they were finished, she would drag him there if that was necessary.

______________________________________________________________________________________

'I've already called all of his friends, teachers, everyone! No one has seen him...'

'Don't worry Liv, we are going to find him.'

'I can't believe this is happening again!'

'Have you contacted Sheila?'

'Don't go there Carisi, I can't even think straight!'

'I'm calling all the units and making the rest revise the cameras. Don't worry, he can't be that far...'

'Thanks Amanda...'

______________________________________________________________________________________

Julie put all of her babysitting skills to use: her games, her anecdotes, and currently, the kid, who by the way, was called Noah, was painting her tattoos with the water markers.

'You are not like the rest of the adults I know.'

'Sometimes I don't feel like an adult at all...'

'But you are married, I saw your ring.'

'This is an engagement ring; I'm getting married in the future.'

'That sounds fun. Does your fiancée have tattoos like you?'

'Not in his wildest dreams. We couldn't be more different, but somehow we work... Are you done? Can we finally get you home? Remember, everything is going to be alright.'

'Ok... we are actually pretty close to where my mom works.'

'Where?'

'The 16th precinct. She is a cop. Her name is Olivia Benson.'

"All roads lead to Olivia Benson" were Julie's exact thoughts once they were out of the restaurant. Somehow, the universe wanted them to meet and maybe today was the day. She grabbed Noah's hand and was heading towards the police station, when suddenly, at least seven police cars surrounded them. Julie placed Noah behind her, protecting him, but the police quickly grabbed the boy and forced her to the ground, smacking her face on the pavement in the process. She felt the handcuffs on her wrists, a little too tight for her comfort and the policemen dragging her to her feet, making her walk. They were a few buildings away from their destination. She heard Noah's screams, pleading to let her go, but a firm hand prevented her from turning.

Julie was placed in the questioning room, the handcuffs still on and her bloody lip hurting like hell. She tried to keep cool but the small and poorly illuminated space brought her back memories that were threatening to become a panic attack.

______________________________________________________________________________________

'Noah! Oh my God I'm so glad you are ok!'

Olivia was holding her son like there was no tomorrow. Noah answered her hug, his face full of tears.

'I'm sorry mom, I'm never doing this again, I was sad and confused with everything that was happening...'

'It's ok baby, it's okay... you are safe now.'

'Liv? They are waiting for you to interrogate the subject. Oh, and Stabler is here.' Fin voice made them loosen the hug.

'Ok honey, I'll be right back.'

'Mom! Wait she is not a bad p-'

'Muncy can you take care of him?'

'Sure captain.'

Olivia approached the interrogation room, Amanda and Fin by their side. She greeted Elliot with a big hug.

'I'm glad he is ok...'

'Me too. I cannot let you in again, but all of you can watch. Velasco, you are with me.'

'Liv! Wait.' Elliot took her hand, preventing her from opening the door. Joe, Amanda and Elliot stared at the woman sitting inside. 'That's not a criminal, that's Julie.'

______________________________________________________________________________________

Julie's pulse aggressively accelerated when she heard the door opening. She understood the implications, in the end, she was a weird-looking stranger who was with the underage son of a police captain. But she needed to remain calm, she remembered what Rafael had told her about testimonies and stuff, and she just needed to breathe and tell the story exactly as she lived it. To her surprise, it wasn't just Olivia Benson at the door.

'Elliot?'

'Márquez, fancy seeing you here.'

'Oh you know me, I like to make an entrance.'

'You two know each other?'

'Olivia Benson, Julieta Márquez. She is the M.E. who works for OC and also the OCME. A good friend of mine.'

'And not a child kidnapper.' Julie added nervously.

Olivia stared at her. Julie couldn't really read her; she didn't know if she was going to murder her on the site or try something else. She indeed was an intimidating woman.

'I see it and I can't believe it.'

Two more figures appeared at the door.

'Amanda! Joe! Oh my God, I'd hug you if I could.' Julie smiled, signalling her cuffs. Joe approached her and quickly took the handcuffs, placing a hand on her shoulder and giving her a friendly squeeze.

'Thanks, they were hurting quite a bit.'

'Ok everybody out.' Olivia demanded and the rest of the squad followed her, leaving Julie inside once again.

'How does everyone know that woman? Velasco?'

'She is Julie, a childhood friend of mine, Captain.'

'Rollins?'

'I met Julie a couple of years ago, and she helped Jesse and me at the park. We talk occasionally.'

'Liv, she is not a bad person.'

'She isn't mom!' Noah approached Olivia, followed by Muncy with an apologetic look on her face. 'She took care of me and talked me through some stuff. It's my fault, I threw her phone into the sewer so she couldn't call anybody. We were heading here when the police arrived, I promise! She is a very nice person!'

Olivia stared at her son and then at the squad, her eyes drifting to Carisi and Fin, apparently, the only members there who didn't previously know said Julie. With a nod, she and Fin re-entered the room. Julie, calmer than before, told the story with detail, mainly focusing on Fin as Olivia remained tense from the interaction. After a few hours, of Olivia and Fin entering and exiting the room multiple times, they decided to let her go.

'You didn't tell me you were a cop.' Julie quickly hugged Amanda after grabbing her stuff from custody.

'You didn't tell me you were an M.E.! we probably even worked on the same cases without noticing! I'm sorry about all of this, Liv doesn't have a good experience with Noah disappearing.'

'Which mother does? I mean, it was cool to meet the legend in person, right Elliot finally?'

Stabler turned around, with a deadly expression on his face.

'I'm just kidding. I've just heard a lot from her. Also because of Nick.'

'Wait do you know Nick?' A tall man who introduced himself as Sonny Carisi asked her.

'Yes! He used to be my PhD student, he works with me now, doing genetics research.'

'Julietita has always been a genius, let me tell you that.' Joe smiled. Julie looked at him with a "we need to talk later look". Joe nodded.

'Dr. Márquez?' Julie and the rest of the squad turned to look at Olivia. 'I'm deeply sorry about all the things that you had to go through today. And I'm very grateful for helping, Noah.'

'It's my pleasure captain.'

'Is there anything we can do for you?'

'Actually yes, can you give me a drive home? I obviously don't have my phone and my fiancée might start getting worried, it's late.'

'Fiancée?!'

'I'll tell you later Amanda.'

'Sure, I'll take you home Márquez.' Elliot said smiling.

'Bye Julie! Thanks for everything.' Noah said waving at her.

'Bye little man, think of what we talked about.'

______________________________________________________________________________________

'She hates me.'

'She doesn't, she was just really scared.'

'Yeah and then she hated me.'

'Márquez...'

'I wanted to give a good impression. For all the things that you tell me I actually admire her and see how we were introduced.'

'There'll be another occasion. Also, congratulations on the good news.'

Julie stared at her ring. 'Thanks, it actually happened quite ago, but given everything that happened I didn't want to tell anybody.'

'Bring him over for dinner next Saturday. The kids and I are longing for good news and they adore you.'

'Same here. That's my house.'

'Ok, served Dr. Márquez. And thanks again for everything.'

'Bye Elliot.'

_____________________________________________________________________________________

'Where were you? I was so worried!'

Rafael quickly hugged Julie as soon as she stepped into the house. 'Let me tell you the day I had, my phone is probably swimming in the Hudson by now.'

'Oh, that's why you weren't answering.'

'My plan doesn't cover the bottom of the ocean.'

'Funny.'

'And also, we have an invitation next Saturday for dinner at the Stabler household.'

'I... can't wait for that.'

Chapter Text

Olivia Benson has been a detective for over 20 years. So, she was more than qualified to think there was something very odd about Julieta Márquez, who everyone seemed to know and love but her, right? And it wasn’t her appearance, of course not, but there was some familiarity about her that she couldn’t describe without feeling strange. Or was she confused because of the sight she had in front of her, and was she mixing feelings and emotions?

The man sitting a few meters from her shifted on his stool, taking Olivia out of her train of thought. Pain. Yes, that was the feeling. The vision of Rafael Barba at Forlinis in another life would’ve given her comfort, especially after a tough case like the Delia Hackman one, where she wanted so badly to lose to save that poor woman from another hell after killing her abuser. But now she felt anger, sadness, and even rage at the attorney.

‘I miss you, Liv,’ he said.

Bullshit. And then…

______________________________________________________________________________________

‘Rafa, I miss you too.’

Five simple words that destroyed his newly-built confidence.

Five words that contained the same message that he told her weeks ago when he tried to hold to the illusion that their connection wasn’t over.

Five words that she originally declined and stepped all over.

He knew that he crossed a line when he talked about her father and her need for protection; “you never touch where someone told you it hurts, no matter how angry you are” his abuelita once told him. But honestly, he bit his tongue way too much at that interaction. He always did with her. He could’ve called out her special treatment towards Stabler, how she favored and gave him the benefit of the doubt even after all these years, and how he stood by her side through some of the darkest chapters of their lives and still felt betrayed by him.

And the worst part is that he knew he would still be by her side if she asked him to. He didn’t want to return after the Wheatley case; he painted his line and thought it was over. And yet Amanda called. And then her. And he was there, ready for whatever the plan was. His stupid necessity of being needed by someone won once again.

That someone should be Julie. His fiancée. The love of his life. The “love” of his life. The love of his life?

He wondered for how long this could continue. Lies, lies, and more lies. He would stay at the altar in a few months, swearing to love and protect her for the rest of their lives. Yet, the protection he had been trying to provide so far was based on lies. Lies that he would continue to tell each time that Liv needed him. He was so weak.

‘I do know what it means to love someone unconditionally.’

Was he talking about Julie? Or Liv? He shouldn’t be questioning that. Love shouldn’t hurt and be painful. And loving one of the two hurt like hell. He made his decision.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Julieta Márquez has not been a detective for 20 years but has a doctorate in forensic science and an enviably trained eye for details. So, she was more than qualified to think there was something very odd about the 16th precinct that didn’t sit right with her, right? If there were a way to know what happened behind those walls, Julie would watch the equivalent of days of tape just to keep her mind from forming stupid thoughts.

She turned once again on the stool, admiring the white fabric. Somehow, Cynthia convinced her to begin to try out dresses just for fun. And it was indeed an enjoyable time, mainly because she didn’t have the pressure of her mother or mother-in-law's presence, just her friend’s weird ideas and an entire bottle of champagne. She was going to be Julieta Barba. And she loved the sound of that.

But also, every dress and every veil she tried on, also made it more real. The good things and the bad things. Every day, Nick was just a few steps away. Melinda is a couple of floors away. Amanda and Joe are a phone call away. She could ask questions. She could type his name on Google. She could do many things. But no. She is marrying that man, and in any marriage, there are sacrifices. And for Julie, the sacrifice would be not knowing.

She knew he wanted to erase his past, pretend like nothing happened, and move on with his life. There was something that deeply hurt him and changed him from the “heartless” man that he once was, according to Nick. And Julie didn’t want him to go back to that pain, especially after she saw in person how badly it turned out for his mental health after that New Year’s Eve case last year. She was so proud of him for taking a step back, for choosing himself, and for working on his problems in therapy as he had promised. So, if all she needed to do was to stop asking questions to keep his peace (and, therefore, hers), she would do it.

‘I think this might be the one.’

‘It’s pretty, simple. You look beautiful!’

‘Aww, thanks. Now, the tough part is convincing my mom and Lucia.’

‘I’m sure they’ll like it.’

‘You don’t know them as I do…’

‘Hey, the only important thing is how you feel. Remember what you told me would be the most important thing you wanted to do in that dress?’

‘Dance with Raf.’

‘Then it’s perfect.’

‘What day is today Cyn?’

‘Friday.’

______________________________________________________________________________________

To say that Amanda was nervous her plan wouldn’t work out was an understatement. But Liv was her friend, and she wanted to help her sort out whatever was happening in her mind and heart. So she was currently squeezed between Olivia and Elliot, Fin driving and Carisi carefully telling him the directions to the restaurant. She wanted to see their interaction outside the work environment to form a better opinion of Liv’s former partner. She wanted a place far away enough, and Julie’s suggestion seemed reasonable enough.

The place was packed, so they had to sit a little bit far away from the dance floor and the bar, not that any of them regretted the first one, though.

‘Do you think they teach you how to dance here? Everybody seems so good already…’ Carisi looked at the couples swaying to and fro. Just like the restaurant, the dancefloor was crowded.

‘If they do, I might come here more often. Phoebe wants to learn, and I can’t coordinate for the love of God.’ Fin drank from his beer while everybody laughed.

‘Does anybody want something else to drink? Elliot and I are going for another round.’ Liv said, standing up.

‘Another Martini seems like a good idea.’

‘Gotcha Rollins.’

Carisi moved closer to his wife. ’It seems like your plan is working.’

‘I don’t know what are you talking about…’ Amanda answered with a mischievous smile.

Maybe it was working. Amanda relaxed as she saw Liv and Elliot chatting at the bar. She wouldn’t be angry if her Martini never reached its final destination. It was a beautiful place. The open restaurant had a pretty romantic vibe, but also allowed people to chat and have a good time at the same time. She placed her attention to the dancing couples, smiling at the thought of she and Carisi dancing that kind of music.

‘Hey Amanda, isn’t that your friend?’

Amanda turned to the direction that Fin was pointing at. As a matter of fact, Julie was there, barely visible among the crowd. She was dancing with a man facing the opposite direction, her fiancée probably. She looked happy, she laughed and hugged the man. Another smile formed on Amanda’s lips. She loved seeing her friends happy. Maybe everything will be alright from now on.

But, of course, the song needed to end.

The lead vocalist announced the beginning of the band’s break, and the couples started to leave the dancefloor. That’s when she saw again. She couldn’t believe her eyes. And she was not the only one.

Carisi’s mouth was wide open. Fin started to laugh nervously. In the distance, a glass was heard breaking, “there goes my Martini”, she thought. And on top of that, she locked eyes with Julie. Her smiling grin was a huge contrast with the panic in Barba’s eyes as she took his hand and began to approach Amanda’s table.

______________________________________________________________________________________

‘Mira nomás quién está ahí (Look who is there).’

‘Preciosa, I need to go to the bathroom.’

‘But Raf, my friend Amanda is right there. I’ve been dying to introduce you for a long time. It’s going to take a few minutes, I promise.’

‘Sorry love, be right back.’

Rafael practically ran to the other side of the restaurant. Julie gave an apologetic look to Amanda and her companions, which, weirdly enough, seemed between shocked and amused by the situation. She was barely a couple of steps away from Amanda’s table when a strong hand grabbed her wrist, pulling her violently to the side.

The hand belonged to a very angry Elliot Stabler, who looked at her with nothing but anger.

‘Out of all the people, you were the last person I expected this.’

His tone was severe, accusatory, and full of anger and sadness?

‘Elliot, you are hurting me. What are you even talking about?’

‘I was so fucking stupid, so fucking stupid!’

Julie turned to see Amanda and her friends standing frozen beside her and Elliot. The one and only Olivia Benson signaling them to stay where they were, talking to Stabler in a lower tone.

‘Elliot, let her go. Don’t do anything stupid.’

Olivia looked at Julie. If there was a doubtful look on her face a couple of weeks ago when both women met for the first time, it was replaced with absolute hate and disgust. Julie was perplexed at that point; her eyes started to fill with fear, as she didn’t know what to do. She felt Stabler’s grip beginning to lose and another force pulling her behind, the familiar shape of Rafael placing himself between her and the angry detective.

‘Leave her alone, detective; your problem is with me. Leave her out of this!’

A laugh almost sinister left Elliot’s mouth.

‘How dare you speak to me after everything you did to me and my family. Give thanks that we are in a public space or otherwise...’

‘Ok Elliot, that’s enough; leave Barba and Julie alone.’ Fin started to reach for something in his back pocket.

At the sound of Julie’s name, Elliot’s attention returned to her.

‘And you.’ He pointed at her. ‘I let you into my life, my house, my children’s life. And that’s how you pay us? By sleeping with the man who helped Kathy’s killer walk free?’

‘Ju, let’s get out of here.’

Julie felt another hand take hers and started pulling her aside. Rafael walked as quickly as he could, taking her away before anything else happened. She managed to turn around and see Amanda, a look of confusion and pain in her eyes. Amanda tried her best to give her a reassuring look, but everything was too complicated to make any promises.

The ride home was silent as Julie looked at the window, trying to assimilate what just happened. Rafael was still holding her hand, fearing that she would not grab his hand back if he let go. After closing the door and ensuring Stabler didn’t follow them home, Rafael turned to look at her.

‘Ju, I can explain…’

‘Tell me exactly how you are involved in Kathy’s death. No lies, Rafael. No lies.’

Chapter Text

There have been a few times in Rafael Barba’s life when he felt like his heart would escape his chest, and no, not in a romantic way. That sensation of nearly dying because of the imminent danger that was in front of him, occurred for the first time when he was five, and his father came home drunk and beat the hell out of him for spilling his milk. That was the beginning of almost 10 years of pain in the hands of the same man.

Another occasion came when Alex tried to threaten him in a dark alley when Rafael was warning him about the naked photos that were found on his phone. He towered himself over the A.D.A, and suddenly, Rafael was 12 again.

There were also multiple death threats throughout his career at the D.A.’s office, and while he faced each one with his characteristic cocky demeanor (he even gave one of the messengers his home address), he couldn’t wash away that awful sensation of not having control over his heartbeat.

The thing is that, in all of those occasions, the threat was something external that Rafael couldn’t really control, and he would often find peace in that. Right now, he was in his living room, facing a 5’5” woman that he loved with all his heart, and the threat was himself, his own words, his own lies.

‘Well? Start talking!’

She looked at him with a mixture of anger and incredulity. Her eyes were pleading for an answer, and one that made sense. But there wasn’t. The Wheatley trial was messy in all senses, and there were so many layers that he didn’t know what to say to quiet the pain.

‘I… I didn’t have a choice.’

Liar.

‘What do you mean?’

‘On defending him. I didn’t have a choice.’

Liar.

‘I was under threat.’

Partial lie.

‘Then why you didn’t tell me?!’ Julie’s face now expressed both anger and worry.

‘You were too involved with the family… I… I couldn’t risk you intervening.’

‘I can take care of myself, thank you very much.’

‘No Julie. You can’t. Not with these people.’ He didn’t notice when he started screaming and when Julie remained in silence. ‘They were going to be after you. You were the one that performed the autopsy, can’t you understand? How easily they could’ve blamed you?’

‘How…?’

‘They have all kinds of resources! Hitmen! For all I know, you could be dead in an alley, and nothing would ever link you to them. That’s why they didn’t find the connection between Wheatley and Kathy!’

‘But he did it!’

‘I know! But that’s how it is.’

Julie sat on the couch, her gaze fixed on the floor as she grabbed a cushion and hugged it against her body. Cautiously, Rafael sat next to her at the other corner of the couch. For the first time in almost three years of relationship, Rafael didn’t know what to expect: he could always read her, but right now, he didn’t know if she was going to throw the cushion at him or if it was an invitation to hold her.

‘I went to the Stabler house almost every day during the trial, and I heard them talking about that bastard and how he was so cynical. Evil personified. And they would also complain about his lawyer, all confident, all sarcastic… I couldn’t even imagine how someone could have the guts to be defending someone like Richard Wheatley. I told Maureen that perhaps was someone without heart and soul…’

‘Is that how you see me now?’ Rafael’s voice came out broken. He felt the tears starting to form. Julie slowly looked at him, the expression mirroring on her face.

‘I want to believe you Raf… but how do you think I feel? I’m just connecting dots, and it just doesn’t make sense to me. That’s not you.’

‘It seemed like the only choice at that time… I never wanted to lie or hurt you. It just escalated too fast, and there was no going back.’

‘I wish you’d told me…’

‘I told you, I was protecting… you.’

Liar.

Julie let go of the cushion and moved closer to him. Rafael, still doubting her intentions, let out a soft sob when he felt her arms surrounding him.

‘And who was protecting you?’ He hugged her back like his life depended on it. Because it did.

‘I’m… still mad at you… But the thought of you facing that criminal alone… it just breaks my heart… we could’ve found a way, together.’ They remained in that position for what seemed like hours. Julie was the first one to speak out.

‘I get Elliot’s reaction now. He must think that I knew everything… that I was a two-faced bitch all this time.’

‘If you want… I can talk to him… It would kill me to be responsible for your estrangement.’

‘I think it’s better if you don’t say anything. I’ll try to talk to him on Monday.’

______________________________________________________________________________________

Nick Amaro was the kind of friend who would hug you and tell you that everything would be okay, and you would actually believe it. He even offered to go with her to talk with Elliot, knowing from the stories Liv and Fin told him that Elliot could be difficult to deal with. It should be noted that he indeed tried to stop her from approaching when they saw him at the park.

‘Chica, hazme caso (Girl, hear me out), it has been less than 24 hours.’

‘I’d rather live this outside the office than inside. I’ll be fine.’

‘I’ll be around.’

Stabler and Nick were the same height, yet he looked way taller than Julie, standing side by side. Nick sat down on a bench, watching, or well, staring, ready for anything that could happen.

‘Elliot…’

‘Now you are stalking me? Game over Márquez.’

‘Elliot, I swear that I didn’t know anything.’

‘And you think I’m going to believe that? That man, Rafael Barba, your “beloved” fiancée, has blood on his hands just as much as Wheatley does. The trial ran for weeks; are you seriously that clueless?’

‘First, Rafael and I never talk about work. I mean, ever. I knew he had a… difficult case, that’s all. Second, you know I don’t watch the news; even if they said something, I never saw it.’

‘Lies, and lies, and more lies. Your little boyfriend always finds a way of coming back, even when nobody wants him to.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I’m talking about all the times he has come to the SVU precinct over the past years, sticking his nose where it doesn't belong, taking cases he shouldn’t be part of, strolling around the place as if it belonged to him. Just look at him now!’

A text belonging to “Liv” read clearly on his phone screen: “Barba is here.”

‘I…’

‘And you come here telling me you didn’t know anything about it? Bullshit, Julieta Márquez, you are as guilty as he is. In fact, I bet you told him about what you and my wife talked about so he could use it against us!’

‘Elliot…’

‘Or you were a spy all along! Trying to befriend her, earning the trust of my kids! Because they loved you, you know? They trusted you! You… you were part of my family! You lying monster!’

‘SHE WAS MY FRIEND!’

Julie was a shade of red she didn’t know she could reach. She was angry and hurt at the accusations. She wanted so badly to tell him it wasn’t her fault, that she had always been sincere, and that the only thing she hid from them was Rafael’s identity, mainly because she didn’t think it was appropriate to introduce people at a funeral. She loved Kathy. She loved the kids. Hell, she even appreciated Elliot’s company and blossoming friendship.

‘She was my friend… I swear I didn’t know… He didn’t tell me. Please, Elliot you need to believe me.’

Elliot looked at her. The pain was still palpable, yet the rage in his gaze was consuming every bit of humanity that Julie was desperate to reach.

‘Stay away from my family.’

He turned around and left. Julie stared at his back, unable to speak. She heard footsteps approaching fast. Nick took her by the shoulders, trying to find her eyes, but she was fixated on Stabler’s ghost.

‘Jules. What happened? There was a lot of screaming… Are you ok? Julie!’

Finally, Julie looked at him.

‘I need to work. I need to work.’

She began walking. More like running. She needed to have a scalpel, a flask, a pipette, anything in her hand. Anything to keep her mind from thinking. Nick sprinted close to her, grabbing her shoulder.

‘What are you going to do? What can I do?’

‘You can start by telling everything you know once we reach the office. I need to make a phone call.’

Nick swallowed hard. He let go of her. This was going to be one hell of an evening.

‘Joe? Are you at the precinct?’

______________________________________________________________________________________

A couple of weeks ago, Barba was certain that he would never be at the 16th precinct again at his own will. But there he was. Maybe it was something psychiatric, and he wished that a doctor would diagnose him as a pathological liar because Julie told him not to interfere between her and Stabler, yet the only purpose of his canceling his appointments was to clarify everything to anyone who wanted to listen.

He knew he should’ve turned left a few blocks back; the Organized Crime precinct was now too far away. Instead, his feet dragged him to the place where everything began. Thank God it was a quiet day, and not everybody was on their respective desks. He almost turned around to leave when he saw her door cracked. Of course she was there.

‘Are you going to stand there? Or do you have something to tell me?’ Liv said without looking up her phone.

Rafael entered the office, closing it as slowly as he could. When he turned around, Benson was looking directly into his eyes.

‘I know that it looks bad, but I can explain…’

‘You have… 3 minutes to convince me why I shouldn’t start an investigation on you two and your relationship with Kathy Stabler’s death.’

‘Julie and I’s relationship doesn’t change anything.’

‘It changes everything! For God's sake Barba! She was close with Kathy and the kids. And then you are the lawyer defending Wheatley! Throughout the trial, she would often visit them and talk to them. Tell me it doesn’t look bad!’

‘It does, but I swear to you Liv, that Julie has nothing to do with it. She didn’t know I was defending Wheatley; she honestly doesn’t know about any of the work I did here. I never even told her about you!’

‘Wow, a relationship based on lies, so proper of you.’

‘I screwed up badly. But I was protecting her; there’s a reason why I wanted my personal life separated from my work life.’

‘You were “protecting” her as you were “protecting” me?’

‘Liv… I told you, you gave me no choice.’

‘I’m not starting this again, Barba. You are the only one responsible for your choices, and I still feel betrayed by you. Even more after this. Velasco told me this thing has been going on for what? Three years? During that time, you were… you were still my friend.’

‘Liv…’

‘And now that I think about it, it’s even worse! Because that woman has been collecting information about everyone in this squad: Amanda, Joe, Warner, Elliot, hell, even Amaro. Who knows her real intentions?!’

‘Now you are being delusional Liv…’

‘Did she tell you that she was with Noah when he disappeared the other day and not even once called the police? I never bought her phone excuse, and even less now.’

Rafael lowered his gaze. There was a lot of explaining to do and very little openness to dialogue.

‘You don’t know her Liv… And I swear to you, it’s all circumstantial; my defense and her presence in Stabler’s life are totally separate things.’

‘You cannot stop lying. Not even to the person you supposedly “love,” right? Your time is up. I don’t want to hear any more of this. There used to be a time when seeing at my door was an invitation for a pleasant time. But now, it’s more nonsense than ever, a pathetic attempt to diminish your actions and recover a bit of the respect I once had for you. Get out of my office counselor.’

Chapter Text

“Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up

Runnin' scared, I was there

I remember it all too well”

-Taylor Swift.

Joe didn’t know much about the time Rafael had been a part of SVU, hell, he didn’t even know he was once an “unofficial” part of the squad. But he was a good cop and an even better detective. He pulled out news articles and talked with the secretaries and other staff members. Amanda altogether avoided him, but luckily for him, Fin was open to talk.

Joe felt a knot forming in his stomach with each word and story. He was entirely sure that Julie had no idea of half of the things that Fin was telling him. Also, he didn’t know how well she would take it: she and he almost grew up together, and Joe knew that Julie was a very stubborn kid who could handle heavy stuff, but at the same time, she held her heart on her sleeve, was very compassionate and trusted blindly on people.

On the other side of the city, Nick Amaro was also worried about Julie’s well-being with the information he was giving her. He had left SVU before Barba, so he didn’t know much of what happened during some crucial years. He tried to put everything he knew, the good and not-so-good ones, all on display so that Julie could form an idea around them. At the end of the day, he and Rafael were not friends per se, but they shared many stories, and the ex-detective respected him.

Joe arrived at the office late at night. The missing pieces of information complemented Nick’s tales and also gave more light to all the situation. Both men watched silently as Julie took everything, asking very little. Her expression was serene and firm, with no readable emotions. To Nick, it reminded him of all the times he watched her perform autopsies and experiments. To Joe, it reminded him of Julio’s heart attack and how Julie managed the whole situation, being the only one at the barrio who remained calm and focused. It was almost midnight when Julie left.

______________________________________________________________________________________

He was starting to panic, when he heard the front door opening. He stood up immediately from the couch. His eyes were full of questions about her whereabouts and also full of worry and guilt. She had a tired expression and avoided looking at him.

‘I was starting to worry…’

‘Are you ever going to tell me the truth?’ She interrupted him.

‘Julie…’

‘Do you have more work related to SVU? I know you were there today. Like all the other times after you promised you wouldn’t work there again.’

‘I wanted to talk with Stabler…’

‘DON’T LIE TO ME RAFAEL! I know everything! Joe and Nick told me everything! You were with Olivia like you always were.’

‘I… I went to clarify things. They started to think that you were a spy or that you somehow knew something about Kathy Stabler’s death. I told them that you had nothing to do, that’s all.’

‘And since when is SVU part of the investigation? Wasn’t the department in charge the Homicide one?’

‘Well, yes, but…’

‘SVU was involved when it shouldn’t have been. That’s why you ended up being part of the case, right?’

‘Julie, it is not that simple.’

‘No, no, in reality, it is very simple. Richard Wheatley chose you because he knew about your “relationship” with the squad, and you accepted it because otherwise, the malpractice of your beloved Benson would have been exposed. You threw yourself in front of the bus to save her ass!’

‘Okay! I admit it! I was covering the wrongful things that Liv AND Elliot did during the investigation. I needed to protect the whole squad otherwise, the case would’ve turned very different for everyone…’

‘How many nights, Rafael? How many nights I told you about my stories with Kathy? How many times did I grieve her? How often did I tell you that the responsible should be in jail, and you AGREED with me? I even told you to help with Bell’s legal team so that you could fight on the right side, but you, YOU told me to leave it alone!’

‘I had to make a quick decision; there were too many things at stake, Julie…’

‘And you chose her! You chose Olivia over me! You saw my pain every day and yet decided that it was more important to protect someone who did everything wrong from the beginning than me!’

‘I was protecting you both…’

‘Yeah, yeah, all praise Saint Rafael, the protector. How did that go for you? Joe told me that Benson wasn’t even talking to you. And the worst part is that you never apologized! You never felt sorry for lying to me!’

‘The guilt was eating me alive! You don’t understand…’

Julie tossed her jacket onto the couch. Rafael stood silently, his entire body shaking. Julie closed her eyes and drew her hands through her hair, trying to calm herself down but failing. It was just the tip of the iceberg.

‘I… I told you about my past and opened up to you. You told me I was the most important person in your life, yet you kept me away from everything, like a stupid secret. Tell me, were you ashamed of me? Was I ever enough for the great Rafael Barba?’

‘You are my love, my soul, my entire life. Don’t you ever think otherwise! You were the only good thing that ended up happening to me, I just wanted to keep us like that! Away from everything…’

‘So, a consolation price, I get it.’

‘No, Julie, no.’

‘No, Rafael! You said it yourself. You lost your job at the D.A.’s office, your reputation, and whatever the hell your relationship with Benson was. And then the stupid, clueless little Julieta jogs in, and you take her because there is nothing else to lose. AND THEN, when the light of opportunity shines even to take just Olivia back, you left everything we built together for that.’

‘I wanted to protect you and us. A fresh start. You don’t know how sorry I am for not telling you anything about my past.’

‘And you should be. Who do you think I am, Rafael? A person who would run away after you told me the things you did while working at SVU? Because now I know about the baby Drew case, Ashtonja, Alex and Yelina, and all the times you were threatened. Nothing you would have told me could have made me love you less. And yet, you decided that lying was the best thing to do.’

‘Every single person who got to know about all of that ended up leaving me or judging me; I was scared you would go away too. Julie, I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose you.’

‘Funny that you say that because the most fucked up part is that you decided it was a great idea to propose to me the very same night Wheatley got his mistrial. Was that your way of keeping me in your bubble?’

‘NO!’ Rafael felt the tears starting to fall from his eyes. ‘That ring was the most honest thing I’ve ever done in my life. The promise I made to stay, and I stayed true.’

Julie looked at the ring. Rafael was mentally prepared to catch it if she decided to toss it like her jacket. Instead, she crossed her arms.

‘Is there something else you want to tell me? Another lie lying around? Did you tell your therapist of all of this?’

Rafael had no choice but to lower his gaze, his expression telling everything that Julie needed to know.

‘Oh my God. Even that was a lie.’

Julie turned around and reached for the door handle. Suddenly aware of her intentions, Rafael ran to her and pushed the door with all his strength, keeping it closed.

‘Julie, I fucked it up. It was all my fault, but I promise I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I’ll go to therapy, I’ll publicly apologize to the Stablers, I’ll never talk to Olivia or work at SVU ever again… anything. Please Ju, preciosa, mi vida… I don’t deserve a second chance, but I swear to you on my abuelita’s grave that I’ll spend every day of my life being better for you.’

‘I don’t want to be with someone that will run to that precinct whenever he gets the chance instead of manning up and trusting his partner. I don’t want to be with someone who uses a house, a ring, or a promise of a new life to compensate for being dishonest. I don’t want to be with someone who will always consider me second to everything to Olivia Benson.’

Rafael fell to his knees, uncontrollable tears streaming through his face. His hands were grabbing Julie’s wrists. His face was desperation personified.

‘I was wrong, Julie, I was so wrong. Preciosa, please, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’

Julieta could’ve started crying at this point. However, her expression remained calm, her cold eyes fixated on the watery green in front of her.

‘I can’t do this anymore, Rafael. And the worst part is that I still love you, and because of that, I tell you: I hope you heal from whatever your heart needs. But I chose me. I chose the dignity I have left and my peace.’

And with that, Julie left.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Pascual, the night watchman, was used at this point to Dr. Márquez's weird schedules. He would often open the building late at night for her to “watch her experiments” or “change the culture media,” whatever that meant. Usually, with the new administration, he would call Dr. Warner first and ask for authorization. However, Dr. Márquez's expression told him it was better not to ask questions, and he opened the door silently.

Julie walked through the corridors without even turning on the lights. She knew the path by heart.

Morgue 3 was empty, the usual sound of the refrigerators buzzing in the distance. There was dry blood on the floor, her interns didn’t clean up very well but she didn’t care. She lay there, under the examination table, immobile. From the outside, it looked no different from the bodies that had occupied the table during the day. But to the most observant, almost inaudible sobs exposed the soul that was breaking inside.

Chapter Text

"You were always sure of yourself

Now I see you've broken a feather

I hope we can patch it up together"

-ABBA

She could’ve gone to her office and slept there, but she didn’t. There was something about the cold and hard floor of Morgue 3 that reminded her that she was alive. Barely, but still. By Sunday, she had gotten out, partially because the morning watchman wasn’t as compassionate as Pascual. Luckily enough, she had a spare change of clothes at her office so she could be a little more presentable on the street. There were dozens of missed phone calls from Joe, Nick, and Cynthia. Another text from Amanda read “When you have time, call me, we need to talk.” She did have time but didn’t want to risk another person in her life in less than 24 hours—no signs of Rafael.

______________________________________________________________________________________

‘This is the third week in a row; I better start sharing my payment with you Mija.’ Milagros joked as she continued folding the just-ironed t-shirts.

When she arrived in the United States, the only job she could have was doing laundry for the upper class. It was an exhausting job, especially after Julio was unable to help her and her arthritis got worse, but it paid the bills and got her daughter through her initial education. Unable to retire, Milagros still worked hard every day, so when her daughter came home to help, it was honestly a relief.

However, Julie usually helped once or twice a month, her job keeping her from coming more often. And for the past three weeks, she was there from Thursday to Sunday, ironing enormous quantities of clean laundry and delivering to their owners the following morning. Milagros knew that when Julie was particularly quiet and working non-stop, it meant something was wrong or worrying her. She knew that Rafael was away on a business trip, so probably she was just feeling lonely, right?

‘Julie, ¿me ayudas con algo? (can you help me with something?)’

Both women entered the master bedroom, leaving Julio profoundly asleep on the couch.

‘Now, are you going to tell me what’s in your mind?’ She said, placing her hands on her daughter’s cheeks, like when she was little.

‘Nothing… just too much to do and so little time, that’s all. Work, you know.’

‘Julieta, I know a wedding can be overwhelming, but you just have to say the word, and Lucia and I will be more than happy to help you both.’

Milagros smiled warmly. You see, over the past year, she started slowly changing her opinion towards her future son-in-law and her treatment towards her daughter. She saw all the things that Rafael and Julieta were building together, and she couldn’t help but smile and feel proud of them. He was a good man, and he loved her daughter profoundly. And for Julie, Lucía inspired her to be more affectionate with her: “Our daughter is so wonderful, you should be proud. She loves my Rafi, and I couldn’t wish for a better woman for him. We are going to be a happy family, let’s start showing the world that, shall we?”. So she tried. That’s why she offered her help for the wedding, mainly because it seemed that neither the groom nor the bride were in any rush to prepare.

‘Gracias mami (thanks, mommy), but we are taking our time. Don’t even worry about it.’

‘I worry because I see you worrying. Mírate nomás qué flaca te has puesto (look at how thin you have become). I’m your mom; I’m here to help you mi niña (my girl).’

This new version of her mother was very weird to Julie: on the one hand, they were finally acting like a mother-daughter that didn’t fight more often than they hugged, and she liked that. On the other, she felt like she couldn’t hide herself any longer.

It apparently was a mutual secret agreement that neither of them would tell their parents what happened. Lucía was still calling her for lunch (she reluctantly had gone twice), and Rafael was still watching soccer matches with Julio weekly. The parental trio was too excited about the wedding, and well, let’s be honest, Julie’s dad’s deteriorating health wouldn’t handle the news about their break-up well, and they didn’t know how the mothers would react. So there they were, planning a wedding that would never happen.

______________________________________________________________________________________

‘How is your back not killing you yet?’

‘Other things hurt more.’

‘Yeah… sorry about that.’

‘Don’t be, let’s get over with this.’

Nick had been a fantastic friend over the past month, asking just the necessary questions and covering Julie from being discovered. He couldn’t believe she’d actually slept on the morgue’s floor for an entire month. He would drive her to her house whenever Barba was out, so Julie could sneak in and grab more clothes and essentials. He even endured work playlists full of heartbreak songs. And, of course, he would do the job whenever SVU was involved with the newly arrived corpse.

He never liked to pick sides, but when he learned about what the department did and how Benson and Stabler handled the case, he couldn’t help but feel disappointed, silently taking Julie’s side. So when Julie was called to the IAB office, he was left in charge of presenting the autopsy results to none other than Olivia and Amanda.

‘Hello, Nick!’

‘Captain. Detective.’ Nick answered coldly, Amanda’s smile fading almost instantly.

‘What do we have here?’

Nick was proud of himself. He presented the case taking care of the details and leaving no words to interpretation, just like Julie usually does. They both performed the autopsy, and his notes were clean and neat. He was genuinely becoming Julie’s right arm and a great forensic scientist. However, his pride was hidden behind his cold gaze and expressionless tone. He couldn’t help but feel weird having one of the people responsible for Julie’s pain in front of him and unable to do something.

‘Any questions?’

‘Yes, I think something is missing; the evidence found in the body does not match the perp we are looking for.’

‘I just present the facts. The rest of the investigation relies on you; from what I can see, there is a lot left to do.’

‘Nick, you know how this is; you’ve been on this side before.’ Amanda said with a tone of exasperation in her voice.

‘Yes, and also, you know that sometimes details go missing by the M.E.s. We just want to ensure that everything is done by the books.’

Nick left out a dry laugh. His hand reached out for the recorder, turning on the device and placing it so that the message was loud and clear.

‘Dr. Márquez logbook, entry 15 post-examination: let it be on the record that Captain Benson requires an autopsy done by the books, and the results presented were unsatisfactory for the Special Victims Unit.’

Olivia rolled her eyes. ‘Rollins, can you give us a moment?’

Amanda left the morgue with an apologetic look on her face. Nick stood there facing her ex-partner, trying to hold Benson’s cold gaze.

‘So that’s how things will go from now on?’

‘I’m sorry, captain, I’m just doing my job. Just like you.’

‘I don’t know what she told you, but I don’t think she’s been entirely honest with all of us… this case has been difficult for all of us.’

‘You know why I didn’t pursue Law School like Carisi when I left SVU? Because a part of me always struggled with what lawyers call speculation. Many things can derive from someone’s mind, especially if we don’t know all the details. I like science better; at least here we can do experiment after experiment to prove something right.’

‘Where are you going with all of this?’

‘I’m just saying that you and Detective Stabler only think that Julie had something to do with her connection, or well, ex-connection with Barba. In contrast, I’ve seen firsthand how that’s not true. Good luck with the investigation, Captain. If you still have doubts, I strongly suggest you talk with Dr. Márquez. In the end, I’m just a student. She’s the boss.’

______________________________________________________________________________________

Amanda wandered the halls of the OCME, looking for someone in particular. Honestly, she was still in shock when she discovered that Julie’s mysterious fiancée was none other than Rafael Barba. Suddenly, the small pieces of information she would often give her came back to her, but it was impossible. The man that Julie had described was so different from the A.D.A she worked with for six years…

She had to recognize that when Olivia shared her theories about Julie and Barba’s involvement in the Wheatley case, it made sense to her. She was almost sure there was something odd, but two things stopped her from formalizing her judgment: one was Velasco, who was Julie’s fierce defendant to whoever wanted to listen. He would recall not only his childhood stories about how Julie and her family apparently were like the superheroes of their neighborhood, but also his relationship with the couple, which let her know that Barba genuinely never told Julie about anything.

The second one, was the image of a fearful Julie basically pleading Stabler to believe her. If she trusted Julie almost two years ago when she helped her and Jesse at the park, it was because of the sincerity in her eyes. Through their video calls and limited interactions, there was no sign that Julie had different intentions or was hiding something. No. The woman was just pure kindness and fun. So, she decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, but first, she needed to talk to her.

She didn’t have to look further: the sound of quick steps alerted her that someone was coming. Very quickly and very angry. Julie practically ignored her and went straight into Dr. Melinda Warner’s office. Amanda quietly followed her and stood behind the door to listen.

‘Julie, I just got the notification. I’m just as angry as you.’

‘First, they wouldn’t even hire me based on my looks eight years ago. I had to prove to them that I was worthy by working like a dog, and I became the most published investigator in the place, which was never enough, by the way. HR was after me all those years, hiding me when someone important would visit so that “the research would match the researcher.” Second, they fired me, saying I wasn’t good enough to be Chief. And now, they threaten me with doing it again if I don’t follow the correct image they want!’

‘Wait, hold on, I thought that your meeting with IAB had to do with a filled complaint made by some cops…’

‘Yes, and it wasn’t even about malpractice! It was about me not looking “professional,” so those idiots made a complaint saying that my results could be doubtful based on how I present myself only!’

Melinda looked at the e-mail again, a big sigh leaving her mouth. She was aware that some idiots ran the newest NYPD administration, but she never realized how much of an idiot they could be.

‘Listen, Julie. You are the best M.E. that I have here. There’s no one like you, and I tell you: I’ll fight to keep you here if it is necessary. But we need to choose our battles, and I’m afraid we need to give in on this occasion. If they start doubting our results, we will start losing resources and the government's support. And we are barely surviving right now, and you know it.’

Julie hid her face with her hands. The defeat was slowly downing into her.

‘Do you know how much makeup I’ll need to cover all my tattoos? I have over 30.’

‘Maybe we can try long sleeves… and the piercings…’

‘I always take them off when I’m working, but I guess they are a weekend thing only now…’

‘The e-mail also suggests that… well, your hair…’

Julie let out a loud, sarcastic laugh, a little bit scary, to be honest.

‘On it, boss, NYPD desires are my orders.’

Amanda let out a scream, giving away her presence. Warner did not have time to react so she just sat there with her mouth wide open. It seemed like it was all in slow motion, but it happened in merely seconds: Julie reached out for the big-butcher-like scissors that Warner had for some reason on her desk. With a single movement, Julie cut her long hair to shoulder length, taking her dreadlocks and signature blue locks.

Both doctors turned around to see Rollins at the doorframe, her hands covering her mouth. Julie dropped the scissors and stared at the blonde woman.

‘What detective Rollins? You are here to see how all of you are slowly taking my life away? Welcome to the show.’ Julie said, not hiding her sarcasm.

Amanda said nothing. She slowly entered the office and reached out for the scissors.

‘I used to cut my and my sister’s hair when we were little. I cannot fix what happened, and I’m very sorry about how they treated you. I’m sorry for everything. But I can fix this a little, and I think it is a start, right?’

Julie slowly sat on the chair. The sadness returned to her face as Amanda hugged her from behind. Slowly, the blonde detective began fixing the irregular sections. Melinda closed the blinds of her office and sat next to Julie, holding her hand. None of the three women talked until Amanda finished.

______________________________________________________________________________________

‘Are you sure you want to toss all of these? They are quite expensive bottles…’

Rafael looked at Rita with pure annoyance on his face. Turning away from her he continued to empty the scotch bottle he had on his hand into the toilet. Rita handed him another open bottle and repeated the action.

‘I was just joking, ok? I’m glad you are taking measures so you don’t get drunk like every day.’

Rafael continued with his task, ignoring Rita’s comments. When the last bottle was empty, he sat on his bathroom floor, staring at the floor as he heard the contents flush away.

‘Do you at least know where she is?’

‘I know that she visits my mother sometimes and that she also goes to her parents on the weekends. Some of her clothes go missing every week, so I know she comes here, but I haven’t seen her physically.’

Rita nodded; her eyes tried to find Rafael’s, but he was lost in his thoughts. When she and Rafael used to face each other on trial, she deeply enjoyed his face when she knew she had cornered him and even more when he looked helpless. But the sadness she found in front of her when he opened his door was nothing she could be prepared for. The man was suffering, and his pain made Rita regret all the times she cursed at him when she lost the case.

She liked Julie, and she even enjoyed spending time with the couple. Who was she kidding? She was looking forward to the wedding. Despite loving arguing with her colleague, she understood there was no use in scolding him more for his actions; he had learned his painful lesson. Instead, she decided to be just his friend and be there for whatever he needed, even if that was wasting enormous quantities of liquor going down the toilet.

‘Barba… It’s getting late, I need to go.’

‘Oh, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Rita, I… I really appreciate your help. Really.’

‘What are friends for?’

‘Hey, can you help me with something else?’

‘Shoot.’

‘Do you still have your contact at Bellevue?’

______________________________________________________________________________________

The short hair fits better under her surgeon cap, anyway. She didn’t hate her appearance; Amanda did a good job; it was a cute bob. It just didn’t scream “Julie.” Maybe it was a signal for a new beginning, maybe she was just crazy. The point is that from now on, whenever she’d look in the mirror, she would inevitably think of Amanda and Melinda and how their friendship was like a light at the end of the tunnel. Their reaffirmed support meant the world to her.

She was preparing herself to sleep at her beloved Morgue 3 when a pair of hands grabbed her ankles, dragging her out from her hiding spot. Nick looked at her with a soft smile on his lips.

‘Warner knows, and as much as she likes you, she won’t let you continue with this… and I can’t keep watching you being this miserable. You are coming home with me. I have a couch, it is not great, but it’s better than the floor. Come on.’

Chapter Text

‘Okay, young man, let tía Julie rest.’

‘Buenas noches, Auntie Julie (good night, auntie Julie).’

‘Descansa, Gil (Rest well, Gil).’

Once her son disappeared through his bedroom door, Cynthia turned to see Julie. The exhaustion on Julie’s face was evident, and she was way too pale for Cynthia’s liking. Her living room couch was now filled with blankets, pillows, and a small teddy bear that Gil had insisted Julie had.

‘I hope you are comfortable… we don’t have a guest room.’

‘It’s more than okay, Cyn, thanks for everything.’

‘Don’t even mention it: I almost killed Nick when I found out that he knew about you sleeping in that place and did nothing!’

‘Nick and you have been wonderful friends, don’t say that. I also wanted to be alone, but my therapist said it wasn’t healthy.’ Julie clenched her stomach.

‘Hey, are you okay? You are very pale, my friend.’

‘I don’t feel well, honestly. I haven’t been in weeks. I’m nauseous.’

Cynthia froze on her spot. Her eyes opened wide.

‘Wait, do you think you are…’

‘No, it’s not possible. Rafael and I decided on no kids and he had the vasectomy a year ago… and well... it’s not like I’ve been with someone these days…’

‘Oh…’

‘Perhaps it’s only stress, it wouldn’t be the first time. With everything that happened I wouldn’t be surprised…’

‘Ay Julie, te está lloviendo sobre mojado (Oh Julie, it's raining on your parade*). If you want to do something you tell me: you want to watch corny movies and eat ice-cream? Throw eggs at his door?’

‘I’m lactose intolerant and that is also my house. But thanks.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Maybe they’ve gone too far. Maybe this wasn’t a great idea and they needed to let it go. But her signature was already on that paper and the people who were chosen to do the investigation were getting ready to go. Olivia sighed. She wished that things were different; maybe in another universe she would have been a maid of honor or a best woman? But she couldn’t stop Elliot, not when his driving force was still grief and all the Stabler siblings reunited in her office basically begging her to open a new investigation regarding Julieta Marie Márquez as a new suspect. They were furious and desperate. And Olivia ended up filling a search warrant for all the places where Julieta had lived over the past three years.

‘So, where are we going first?’ Elliot said adjusting his vest

‘We need to go first to Washington Heights, we have two stops in there. And then we go to Barba’s old apartment and finally the house that is registered to both of them. Velasco, you are coming with us.’

Joe felt a knot on his throat but said nothing. He hated what was going to happen but he was forced to participate. At least he might provide a little reassurance to the Márquez’s after they opened their door to find dozens of cops.

‘Captain can I talk to you for a second?’

‘I cannot stop the operation Joe.’

‘It’s… not that. Look, I just wanted to ask you a favour, which I know I have no right to ask. Julio and Milagros Márquez know nothing about Julie and Rafa break up, and well… Mr. Márquez’s health is delicate, and he cannot handle news like that, especially from someone external. Please don’t mention any of that, I beg you.’

Olivia stared at Joe, the pleading look on his face was something she’d never seen before.

‘I… I give you my word. Velasco, I know that-’

‘So it’s true. You are fucking doing the warrant.’

Joe and Olivia turned around to see Nick Amaro standing at the door.

‘Nick what are you doing here?’

‘Here’s your second report, done by Warren herself. We found nothing new. I cannot fucking believe it.’

‘Nick…’

‘You might want to add another direction to that warrant. Julie has been living with me for the past week. See if we are guilty, captain.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

If she was feeling sad, she felt worse once Barba opened the door. His eyes looked terribly sad and showed signs of several sleepless nights. He didn’t even say anything when they handed him the search warrant; he just read it while taking a sip from his tea and moved aside so that the cops and detectives could enter. The only time he looked up was when Joe passed through the door, a soft nod was exchanged between the two men.

It was a beautiful house, and Olivia could see that it was once a home. There were books and pictures everywhere: in them, the bright smiles of the ex-lovers in different situations made Olivia’s heart hurt a little. Joe noticed that he hadn’t moved anything, it was like Julie would come through the door at any time. Perhaps Barba was hoping for that.

Rafael sat on a couch, watching helplessly as strangers walked through his house, opening drawers, taking documents out and making a mess in general. He didn’t have the energy to go after them, so he remained silent, drinking his tea and caressing the jacket on his lap that Elliot recognized as Julie’s.

Before they had arrived, he was having one of those nights, where nostalgia hits hard. He didn’t bother to hide that he had been crying. Knowing his rights better than anyone else in the house, he decided to press play to the vinyl he was listening to. If he was living in a nightmare, well, at least it would have a good soundtrack.

The first chords of the song reached Olivia, Elliot, and Joe’s ears. The youngest detective couldn’t help but smile sadly in the attorney's direction, even though he didn’t look back. Elliot and Olivia exchanged serious glances, and the captain understood and gave the message of leaving. Once again, they didn’t find anything. She couldn’t watch Barba to the face, but she heard a small hum that accompanied the lyrics. The door closed with Ritchie Valens (featuring Rafael Barba’s soft hum) singing:

“I had a girl, Donna was her name,

Since she left me, I've never been the same

'Cause I love my girl

Donna, where can you be?

Where can you be?”

__________________________________________________________________________________________

His time running away from the police gave him superpowers. Well, that’s what Joe thought when he was the only one that reacted in time to catch a very angry Julie who had just stormed into the 16th precinct.

‘Let me go Joe!’

‘Not until you calm down, you are going to get sick again.’

He was holding her by the waist. The other detectives turned around to see what the commotion was about. Julie was scanning the room, avoiding looking at Joe or at Amanda, who was trying to approach. She knew this was coming. Finally, the two people she wanted to see came out from the captain’s office.

‘Hey Joe, how many years is it for attacking two police officers?’

The whole precinct went silent, expecting the answer of their captain. Olivia and Elliot had just finished the document that officially closed the investigation and were about to leave for the D.A.’s office so Carisi could also sign. It had been useless. There wasn’t anything linking Julieta or Barba to Kathy’s death: they even pulled out the internet data they could find and it had come out clean. They had made a mistake, a big one.

‘Dr. Márquez, we can talk somewhere privately. There are… things we need to clarify.’

‘The only thing we need to clarify is if you are in fact monsters or some other kind of heartless creatures!’

‘We needed to make sure!’ Elliot’s tone was a mixture of anger, desperation and a hint of regret. Though, he couldn’t admit the last part, his ego was too hurt to apologize.

‘You went to the house of two elder people, immigrants, with health problems and turned their house upside down! How can you think they had something to do? I haven’t lived with them in years! My dad ended up in the hospital because of all the stress you caused!’

‘We are very sorry about all of that Julie…’ Olivia’s tone was calmer, and you could detect the sincerity in it… if you weren’t as angry as Julie.

‘Don’t “Julie” me! You also scared away the people renting my ex-apartment! That poor family! They thought you were immigration. And Gil and Zara! They were home! They are just kids who had to see their place completely messed up! You broke some of their toys for God’s sake! What is wrong with you people?!’

The detectives and officers present were looking everywhere but the people who were fighting in the middle of the precinct. Those who participated in the warrant were particularly quiet. They all knew she was right.

‘If you like… you can fill a complaint and-‘

‘And who will be the lawyer that will hide your wrongdoings this time, Captain? Because I know how you play.’ Julie and Olivia looked straight into each other’s eyes. Fury staring at helplessness. ‘I’m calmed now, Joe.’

Joe slowly let her go. Julie stood there, her head up in the air. She was small, but at that moment, she looked taller than Stabler himself.

‘I hope you are happy… I guess going around, scaring regular people, and destroying relationships is what brings you joy, or whatever heartless people’s emotions are. Once again, she was also my friend, Elliot. And she didn’t like you that much Olivia, by the way. Stay away from my family.’

Julie left the precinct and everybody inside let out a sigh they didn’t know they were holding. Everything was still silent, and no one dared to move until Fin, seeing that Olivia was still in shock about doing anything, decided to take charge.

‘Nothing to see here, people. Get your asses back to work!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

He wasn’t sure if running laps early in the morning was the best exercise choice, but he was sticking to a routine, which was the important thing. He was also getting endorphins, which supposedly would make him happier, and he was taking advantage of running around the block to get to know his city better. Taking in the details he didn’t see in the past. Just like she used to show him…

He decided to walk for the rest of his routine (he was still getting used to it, and his lung capacity was still not high enough). The bookstore showed the latest volume of the Adventures of Arsene Lupin series—the one they were missing. The store wasn’t open, anyway…

It was almost 7:30 when he saw her. She had her black coat on and a cup of coffee. Black with a single packet of brown sugar, he could bet. No milk as she was lactose intolerant. He purposely ignored the tall figure of Amaro walking fast next to her, trying to catch up. She was a fast walker, despite her height. Her hair was different: way shorter and with soft waves he bet were soft and smelled like lavender. The sun's early rays seemed to illuminate her, although for Barba, it was her natural glow. God, how can someone be so beautiful? How can someone make his heart beat like that, even when she is so far away?

He turned around and began running again. She could be so beautiful because she was Julie. She made his heart beat like that because she was Julie. His Julie.

Chapter Text

"I cry a lot but I am so productive, it's an art

You know you're good when you can even do it

With a broken heart"

-Taylor Swift.

Five months was an awfully long time to be a guest at somebody's house. Her mother (and many Mexican mothers) used to say: "el muerto y el arrimado, a los tres días apestan (the dead and the wrecked, after three days they stink)." But Cynthia and Nick were adamant about letting her go.

'Where are you going to be? You cannot go back to the morgue, and we are not going to let you do that again.'

It was true. Luckily enough for her, the people renting her house forgave her for the inconvenience caused by the NYPD on the condition of lowering the payment. So, her ex-apartment was not a choice. She couldn't go to her parents, mainly because they would discover another lie from her:

She didn't mean to tell them on her birthday a month ago, but she was stressed about the whole situation, and on top of that, she had to endure that every time she was with her parents, they asked her about Rafael: where he was, how the wedding plans were going if he liked the stew that Milagros sent the other day... She had to give different answers each time, and it was relatively easy to avoid those topics, but she couldn't prevent the increasingly frequent comments about what a good son he was and that he was already part of the family. She knew that her parents finally had learned to love him and that Rafael was very good with them, even after 6 months of not seeing or talking to each other.

For the past years, she has learned to love her birthday, as Rafael made her feel so special not only on the specific day but also throughout the whole week. But this time, his chair was the only one empty. It had been a small reunion with Joe, Cynthia, Nick, Amanda, and Melinda. She needed their support more than ever, especially when her parents started asking questions again.

'We have to wait for him.'

'Viejo, I'll heat his food later; we have guests now. Come on, everybody, start.'

'Maybe something happened mi amor. Julie, call him to see if he's coming.'

'He's not coming.'

Spoons were left in the air. Nobody dared to look up. They knew what was coming. Discretely, Melinda had her phone ready to call 911 in case the news were too much to handle.

'What do you mean?'

'He's not coming, mami.'

'But it is your birthday! What can be more important?'

'I don't know; I haven't talked to him in five months. It's over. 'Manda can you pass me the salt?'

'And why are we learning this now? Because all of you obviously knew!'

'Pa, I'm fine. And if you both are okay with it, I don't want to discuss that today. My friends and my parents are with me. I couldn't ask for more. Let's eat everybody.'

Fortunately for Julie, Nick and Cynthia were able to calm the tension with fun stories, and Melinda and Amanda were also cracking jokes and, in general, making the evening a rather pleasant one. When everybody left, she sat in the kitchen, a little bit more ready to face her parents.

She was expecting screams, tears, and in general, a very difficult conversation; the words her mother said to her when Rafael and she started dating circulated in her mind: "he's going to prefer his high-society NYPD friends rather than you when the time comes. And he's going to hurt you. Really bad". Was her mother able to see the future? Or was Julie really stupid? When she turned around, the look of worry on her parent's face threw her off.

'How are you feeling mi amor?'

'It has been... difficult. There are bad days and there are good days.'

'Why didn't you tell us?'

'I wasn't sure how you were going to take it... I... didn't want to disappoint you. You seemed so happy thinking about the wedding, and I...'

Her father opened his arms and Julie took it as a signal to run straight into his embrace. Her mother joined the hug and both parents began playing with her hair like when she was little. Julio broke the silence.

'Julie, you could never disappoint us, you are our biggest pride. No podríamos desear una mejor hija (we couldn't wish for a better daughter).'

'We are going to get through this, together. You are really strong Julie, you always have been.'

'Gracias... los amo tanto (Thank you... I love you so much). I have to go.'

'Do you want me to go with you? He let you have the house, right?'

'Sure mami, and don't worry, it's late.'

__________________________________________________________________________________________

It was way too early for everyone at the crime scene. The victim apparently was the mistress of a very famous mafia boss, and that meant that three vans were parked at the perimeter: OCME, Organized Crime, and SVU. Fin and Olivia approached the group of five headed by Nick, which were students and interns really nervous about their first field work.

'Amaro, what do we get?'

'Female, between 21 and 25. There are cuts and wounds in the pelvic and breast areas, suggesting a sexual attack, however we need to confirm with the fluids. There are some bruises from injections; from the coloration I would guess that whatever she was injected with was shortly before she died.'

'Time of death?'

'Difficult to tell because of the conditions on which the body was found. We need to make more tests because there are also lividities.' One intern answered shyly.

'And cause of death?'

'We... don't know.' Amaro answered looking at his "students".

'But she drowned, look at her eyes.' Amanda said joining the scene.

'It looks like that but there are very confusing...things going on. Her foot was partially cut before she died, as the beginning of the wound suggests, but the second part indicates that it was forcibly removed after death.'

'So it could be anywhere, and coincidentally, the one that is missing had her ankle monitor. Come on people, let's find that foot!' Sgt. Bell ordered the rest of the squads.

The detectives and M.E.'s started looking around for the foot and also more information they could find. It was a forest with a very deep river, so the search could take weeks. Nick stood next to the body in silence.

'Are you going to call her?'

'He already did.'

Those who were close to the crime scene, turned around at the sound of Julie's voice. She had sunglasses on and her headphones resting on her shoulders.

'You really can't live without me... You owe me a coffee.'

'Sorry Jules, but this is very weird, look.'

Julie looked at the body. There were mixed signs that usually didn't present together. Usually she was able to deduce what happened by just looking at the body, later confirming with the test and autopsy, but it was indeed a very weird case.

'Where's the foot?'

'We are looking for it, doctor.' Sgt. Bell smiled.

'Seargent, I didn't know OC was involved.'

'OC and SVU...' Nick whispered.

'Well look at that, my lucky day.'

Julie started looking at her surroundings, taking the complete scene. Kneeling down on the deck, she stared at the water running behind her. Nick knew that her silence meant that she was thinking, at 2000 miles per hour, as she was used to. After a while, Bell, Stabler, Benson, Fin and Amanda, all returned to the main scene, there was no clue on the whereabouts of the foot. They just found a jacket and a cellphone. Amanda approached where Julie and Nick were with the evidence.

'Oh, Dr. Márquez. Here we have something-'

Julie interrupted Amanda not even looking at her. 'Shhh.' With a slow movement, she handed Nick her sunglasses, headphones, and cell phone. Again, without taking her eyes off the water. Suddenly, a small splash startled the group, as Julie's figure disappeared underwater.

'What the fuck?...' Fin said.

A small head emerged from the surface.

'Are you going to stand there or are you going to help me Amaro? And bring the Falcon tubes, I want to take water samples.'

Nick handed Julie's stuff to Sgt. Bell and quickly jumped into the water. The detectives watched astonished as the two of them submerged periodically, talking about God knows what whenever they were going up for air. After a few moments, Julie gave the sign to her interns and a long rope was thrown into the water. Nick and her grabbed the rope and they got out of the water with not only the missing foot, but also samples of water, plants and some fish in a larger container.

'There was an interesting reunion going down there.' Julie said showing her students the small animals. 'See, these fish are native to this river and are known for liking dead meat, so I was monitoring them when I saw multiple reunited on something rather large... It was a matter of time until we had no evidence. Bag everything, this one is mine.'

The interns quickly labelled and bagged the evidence, including the jacket and cell phone. Julie stood there, talking to Nick. The rest of the detectives were still a little bit in shock with the whole scene. Well, not everyone.

'That's what I call risking the body for the team.' Fin laughed.

Julie turned around to look at him. A small smirk formed in her face, which quickly dissolved at the sight of Olivia and Elliot. She grabbed her sunglasses and headphones and headed towards the van. In the distance, she heard Nick saying:

'I'll let you know when she is over. Good day detectives.'

Cases like that made her heart beat faster. The thrill of mystery and the joy of science made her forgot about everything and everyone. She didn't even notice that she worked for almost three days straight.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

It was pretty late when Melinda arrived alongside the SVU squad plus Sgt. Bell and Stabler. The whole OCME was fighting for a spot in the viewing room, and she couldn't blame them. Julie had covered the walls of the morgue with all the information, photos, and results obtained in the last three days (the trashcan was full of empty coffee cups). It was an impressive job. Her analysis was for practically every fingernail, fluid, drop of blood, and centimeter of skin. And it was a very elaborate fabricated scene, which the perpetrator probably thought would be indecipherable. But Julie had done it, she had a case practically won on that table.

Sgt. Bell looked at everything proudly. She always knew that hiring Julie was a wise move, and now she greatly enjoyed how her work was admired, especially after learning how IAB had put an ultimatum on her. The only thing missing was her characteristic way of explaining: her students were in charge of presenting the results, and although they were very good, she couldn't help but miss Julie's descriptions and her humor. That girl loved her job.

By the end of the explanation, Julie took the stage and answered possible questions that she knew the squad would ask her. It was like she was almost three steps ahead. The whole room was impressed, and no, there were no further questions. Well, only one.

'I made a full guide for you counselor, in case you need a cheat sheet in the trial.'

She handed Carisi a bunch of index cards with a summary of the case. Sonny recognized the colourful cards as the ones that certain defense attorney also used.

'I might need you to testify for your job. These... are quite advanced techniques and probably the defense might argue their trustiness.'

'No problem.'

'Good job Julie.' Bell smiled at her.

People started to leave when Amanda approached her. A loud high-five was heard.

'I think this deserves some drinks. You looked so powerful in there. Everyone was impressed.' Amanda emphasized the "Everyone" part.

'I'll join you in a second, I need to do something first.'

__________________________________________________________________________________________

She was weak, she knew that. But the rush of adrenaline of the past three days partially blocked the common sense of her brain and made her forget to erase and ignore that particular notification.

His birthday.

It was a small thing. A book. It wouldn't change anything, right? Specially because she also received one on her birthday. It arrived the following day at her office, with a small forget-me-not attached to it—subtle message.

She placed the package in the mailbox. Inside, the hard-cover copy that matched the rest of his collection. And also a small flower attached, evening primrose. His favorite.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

She felt like she was going to throw up, but somehow powerful at the same time. She'd never been inside a courtroom. She wished that Rafael at least had shown her around, that way it wouldn't be a space so foreign to her.

"It's just defending your job. A job you did well. A job you excel at." She kept mothering to herself.

It wasn't working that well. It also added to the fact that the whole SVU squad was there plus Stabler, so Julie felt slightly alone, as Nick, Melinda and the rest of her squad couldn't attend the trial. Funnily enough, two fingers tapped her shoulder to reveal that she actually had another person at her side.

'Red suits you well. And I love the haircut.' Rita stared at Julie's long burnt red dress with long sleeves. It was pretty simple yet formal enough, and also the only thing that Carisi approved.

'Hi Rita.' The women embraced. It has been too long.

'I'm glad to see you. Don't disappear like that again. We are not strangers, Julie.'

'Thanks... Have you talked with him?'

'Yes, quite frequently... I keep my eye on him.'

'Thank you, I mean it. Do you have a case?'

'No, I came to see. We all like a good Buchanan vs Carisi around here. You never know what's going to happen.'

'Any advice?'

'Don't let him get in your head. You need to dominate before he does. I'll be there supporting you.'

At that moment, Olivia passed by the two women. Julie remained silent, discretely watching as Benson took a call. Rita, on the other hand, eyed her with disdain on her eyes.

'Just so you know. I always thought Barba should have better friends, someone who doesn't puppet him and throw him away at the minimum provocation.' Olivia turned around. She obviously heard the comment, but said nothing. 'See you inside.'

Some said that the fight was even. Some other said that the young woman humiliated the defense attorney. No one gave the victory to Buchanan, though. Liv watched in amusement as Julie answered each question. She obviously knew what she was doing and instead of falling in Buchanan's trap, she fought back. Her replies were sharp and witty, and a hint of humor was hidden in every sentence, so the jury was enchanted by her. Olivia couldn't help but think about how her demeanours reflected a big Rafael Barba influence.

When the cross-examination finished, Julie left the room with her head up in the air. She didn't feel that happy with herself because she would often leave the sass to Rafael on their everyday (that's how she learned some of the mannerism described before), but in this case was necessary. It was a cloudy day, a little bit cold but nice enough for a walk. She needed to think about something else and a beautiful small park was close by.

The green trees received her with a warm hug. Her feet started feeling light and she let herself sway in different directions. The power of mother nature. She ended up sitting on a bench, closing her eyes and enjoying the coolness of the project shadows. Despite being in the middle of the city, she managed to lose herself in the sensations, it had been a while since she let herself enjoy nature: the smell of the flowers, the breeze and... rain.

The droplets started to fall, the light drizzle suddenly turned into real rain. She panicked for a second: Carisi told her to remain close and presentable, in case that the defense wanted to question her again. She debated on returning to the court house or finding a small shelter elsewhere.

She didn't have time to decide, as a big umbrella appeared above her, keeping her dry. She turned around and found a green that didn't belong to the park.

'Hi.' Rafael said softly.

'Hi.' She answered lowering her gaze.

'Can I sit?'

She noticed that the umbrella was only sheltering her.

'Of course.'

The rain strategically decided to become heavier, so the distance between the two of them was short. The same couldn't be said of their silence. It seemed like they were on different planets, until Rafael decided to break the silence.

'Rita said that you destroyed Buchanan.'

'Destroy is a strong word.'

'You need to be like that when facing him.'

'Mmmm.' Julie hummed in response. Six months of not seeing him. Six months of not hearing that voice. She felt shivers running through all of her body. It wasn't the rain anymore that was keeping her on that bench. She wondered if she was a masochist, because she didn't realize how much she wanted so desperately to hear his voice again. As if he had read her thoughts, he decided to try again.

'Thanks for the book.'

'How did you...?'

'You are the only one that follows me on Goodreads.'

Julie softly smiled. Her phone vibrated and a message from Amanda asking her whereabouts made her come back to reality. The rain was not stopping.

'Do you mind walking me to the courthouse? They wonder where I am.'

'Sure.'

She almost wished that the situation felt as awkward as it seemed. But no. It felt familiar. He followed her pace effortlessly. He held the umbrella at the perfect height. He even took the street that he knew Julie preferred, which didn't require crossing the most crowded one. She hated it. She hated how much he still knew her. And how fast her heart was beating with each involuntary touch.

'So... how is your mom?'

'She is doing fine. I don't want you to feel pressured or anything but she misses you and well, she wants to take you out for dinner someday.'

'Oh, thanks. I'll text her. I guess you told her.'

'And you?'

'Yeah my parents know. I mean, we couldn't hide it for any longer. They also want to ask you for dinner, especially dad.'

'I'll text them, thanks for telling me.'

Finally, they reached the steps of the courthouse. Julie finally got the courage to face him, at least to thank him for accompanying her. He had a small smile on his lips.

'You look great.'

'Thanks, you too.'

'Thanks, I started running. My therapist says that exercise is good for many reasons.'

Julie lowered her gaze and didn't answer. She needed to get out of there because otherwise her heart would explode.

'Well, thanks for walking me here.'

'Your welcome. I... was happy to see you.'

'Take care Rafael.' He turned around when she noticed. 'Wait, your umbrella!'

'It's just rain, Ju, it won't hurt me.'

She watched him walk away and turn down the street they came from. It was the same street where they met.

Chapter Text

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

Dun dun

TW. blood, mentions of rape.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The smell of tangerines, punch, and cempasuchil flowers adorned the atmosphere and inaugurated Julie's favorite time of year. She loved Day of the Death because it brought the community together; no matter where they came from, there was a place to remember everyone. In their barrio, the Márquez were in charge of preparing the food and the ofrenda, and everyone would come and place the picture of their loved ones that went too soon. It was also an opportunity to discuss the problems surrounding the community, and to remember the causes that many of the people in those pictures died fighting for.

The police were aware that around that time of the year, dozens of members of the Latino community established in Washington Heights, led by Milagros Ruiz, would be engaged in press conferences, protests and manifestations all over New York demanding justice for all members who had been assaulted or disappeared, for discrimination and other social causes. And therefore, there were a considerably larger amount of cops on the streets to prevent “accidents”, although both groups knew that it wasn’t entirely true.

Julie didn’t like going to the protests, but she helped those who participated by preparing snacks, bottles of water, first-aid kits and creating the routes they could follow in an emergency. This year, however, she wanted to go: despite not enjoying the mean and malicious comments that some of the people made about Rafael, her people's support was overwhelming. Someone had spread the news (gossip traveled fast) and suddenly everyone was so nice, congratulating Julie on leaving that “traidor” (traitor), and her neighbors were quick to settle her with some of their single sons (she didn’t attend any of those dates).

The flu season, however, had other plans. The sickness spread quickly through every department, and the OCME was short-staffed (as if they weren’t already). Only 20 people (including Warner, Nick and Julie) were available for work. It also didn’t help that the NYPD was following the steps of a serial rapist, and that every day they were receiving new pieces of evidence, which meant that the tests, analysis and results were needed as soon as possible. She said goodbye to her mother and Cynthia, asking them to be careful. There were too many dangers surrounding the streets these days.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

‘It’s your turn.’

‘No, it’s not.’

‘Yes, Julie, I went the last three hundred times.’

‘Fine!’

It was the fifth time they had to go to the 16th precinct that day and it was only 11 AM. She missed the time when the detectives would go themselves to the OCME to gather the results but she knew that this was a tough case and they were swamped trying to outsmart the rapist. When she entered the precinct, she was pleasantly surprised with the view.

‘Hello, my little princesses!’

‘Hi auntie Julie!’ Jesse and Billie answered in unison. They were sitting on a desk next to her mother, drawing and playing with some dolls. Amanda turned around to greet her, her prominent belly making it difficult for her to stand up.

‘Oh don’t worry.’ Julie said, motioning Amanda to stay down. ‘How are you? How are you feeling?’

‘Very pregnant, but hey, third is the charm.’

‘I bet… Here is the parental test you asked for.’

‘Thank you so much. Hey, I have good news. The squad went out following some clues an anonymous source gave us and will return later, so there is no more evidence for you to analyze now.’

‘That’s actually great, we are short-staffed.’

‘I hate the flu season; that’s why Jesse and Billie are here. School canceled classes and Carisi had a packed day, so…’

‘Mommy, we are bored.’ Jesse said.

‘I know sweetie, I’m sorry.’

‘Can we go to the park please?’ Billie said.

‘Baby you know I can’t leave my work.’ Amanda added in a whisper only for Julie. ‘And God knows that I can’t walk more than two streets without wanting to pee.’

‘Hey, I can take them if it is okay.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah, we don’t have anything urgent to do right now, only the things you were sending us. I’ll call Nick and let him know I’ll be with these two for a few hours.’

‘You are an angel, thanks.’

After informing Nick (who was playing cards with the other doctors, by the way), Julie head up to the park with Jesse and Billie on each hand. Despite not wanting to be a mother, Julie deeply enjoyed spending her time with children; they reminded her of enjoying the small things. She didn’t have as many good memories of her childhood as it may seem, so she liked to imagine that it was little Julie jumping around and having the time of her life. It helped a little. After two, almost three hours, it was time to go.

‘Please, auntie Julie, we want to go to the swings.’

‘Fine, but then we have to go, okay?’

Whoever had designed those swings knew nothing about families. They were way too separated from each other, so if two kids wanted to swing together, it would be a nightmare to the parent, because you could only push properly one kid at a time and it wasn’t easy with them shouting “higher, higher” all the time.

‘Do you want some help?’

She had to rapidly stop Jesse’s seat before it knocked her out. The owner of the voice was standing there, slightly smiling at the situation but with an expression that reflected his caution.

‘Hi, Rafael, what are you doing here?’

‘Passing by. I went running and lost track of time; all of my clients for today are sick.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry-‘

‘I know you! You used to work with my mom!’ Jesse interrupted.

‘Yes Miss Jesse, you’ve grown so much since I last saw you.’

‘Is he your boyfriend?’ Jesse asked Julie. Her cheeks went slightly red as she struggled with words.

‘No, no, he’s a…’

‘An old friend.’ Rafael quickly added—a faint pink also on his cheeks.

‘Hey auntie I want to fly! You promised!’ Billie whined in her seat.

‘Yeah, yeah sorry.’

Julie turned around to Rafael. Letting out a soft sigh, her pleading eyes made the attorney approach and grab the chains of Jesse’s swing.

‘You don’t mind?’

‘Not at all.’

After a while, the girls got off the swing and gathered their stuff as Julie watched. Rafael was by her side.

‘Thanks for your help.’

‘Don’t mention it. Hey, before you go I was wondering if you know a place where I can find papel picado?’

‘Why do you need papel picado?’

‘For the ofrenda?’

Julie was left without words. Day of the Death was a Mexican celebration, and although she knew that some other cultures embraced it, it wasn’t really a Cuban thing.

‘Are you really doing it?’

‘Yes, we did it for three years; it felt weird not doing it this year. Plus, my abuelita would be mad at me.’

She didn’t know what to say. She lowered her gaze and bit her lower lip, trying to control how fast her heart was beating. Traitor their ass.

‘At Mr. Rivera’s bodega. They still have pan de muerto and cempasuchil flowers if you need.’

‘Thanks. I have to go now; it was good to see you Ju. Take care.’

‘You too.’

She wished the kids weren’t close so she could properly curse out loud. She grabbed them on each hand and quickly returned to the station, avoiding Jesse’s questions, or rather, affirmations about her relationship with the man from the swings. When they arrived, it was a bit more crowded than before.

‘There they are! Oh my God! Are those for me?’

Jesse and Billie handed their mother a bunch of little flowers. It turns out, you can distract kids easily by showing them colourful stuff around. The girls returned to their drawings after thanking Julie for taking them to the park. It was then that Amanda noticed her.

‘Hey, thanks again. You are a lifesaver… did something happen in the park?’

‘I ran into Rafael.’

‘Oh… and how it went? Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine and he… he looks great.’

‘Julie…’

‘No, I mean it. It’s like a new person. He’s exercising, apparently, he’s in therapy, he looks… happy.’

‘Carisi says that he’s working with the Innocence Project and the Immigrants we get the Job Done foundation. He hasn’t put a foot in here since the Delia case.’

‘Yeah… I’m… I’m happy for him. I’ve always wanted him to heal from everything and everyone… and if that took well… us, then I guess is okay.’

‘On the contrary, I bet you were the inspiration to start that…’

‘I don’t know. And also I-‘

The conversation was interrupted by the arrival of the rest of the squad. Joe waved at Julie, and she was about to wave back when Benson appeared through the door. As she told Nick, she could only endure a few moments of her presence before she wanted to scream at her again, remembering everything they’d been through. Amanda assessed the situation and quickly said bye to Julie, who practically sprinted through the door. It was the turn for Rollins and Olivia to exchange glances, the blonde woman apologetically looking at her captain. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for that.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

SVU never had quiet days. When you thought everything was nice and peaceful, a phone call alerted you of something horrible happening. And there was something horrible happening all the time. Velasco and Rollins were sent home. Currently, it was only Fin and Liv enjoying Chinese takeout when the phone call occurred. A victim was waiting for them at the hospital.

Despite working in this area for twenty years, Olivia always felt uneasy in her stomach every time she had to interview rape victims, especially when the case involved a lot of violence. This wasn’t any different. The woman in that bed was currently intubated, meaning that it went so bad she couldn’t even breathe by herself. There were multiple cuts, wounds, and dry blood everywhere. And on top of that, she was, for some reason, handcuffed to the bed.

‘Is that really necessary?’ Fin motioned to the cuffs as the custody officer stood up. She looked relatively new.

‘Sorry, detectives, standard procedure. The woman was in police custody and…’

‘Wait, what do you mean with that? This happened in police facilities?’

‘I… I don’t…’

‘Fin, can you come here? Does she look familiar to you?’

‘Maybe, with all the wounds and blood, I can’t really tell…’

‘What happened to you?’ Olivia said, looking at the woman. She was about to take the medical chart when someone appeared at the door.

‘Multiple blows to the head, legs and ribs. Cuts corresponding to a sharp object of a short nature, my best guess, a pocket knife. Fluids found around the thighs and vaginal area, similar in appearance to semen, although laboratory confirmation is needed. The victim was found in the detention cell surrounded by a prominent blood lake whose content can be observed on my clothes... The victim is my mother, detectives.’

Julie was barely hanging to the door’s frame. Her gaze was lost, and her tone was monotonous. Her clothes were indeed covered in blood, as well as her hands. She was shaking. Violently shaky.

‘Julieta, can you tell us what happened?’ Olivia said as calmly as possible. Julie grabbed the doorframe harshly, her nails digging into the wood.

‘I got the call that my mother was in custody after being arrested at the manifestation. It is something that had happened before, despite being a pacific protest, so I headed to the precinct to pay for her release and take her home. When I arrived, there was just one officer at the entrance, and everything seemed really quiet; no other people were around. I went to where my mother was, and I stepped into the blood. She was unconscious and, judging by the size of the hematic lake, was left there to bleed till she…’

‘So there was no one around, no prisoners in the other cells? No guards?’ Fin asked.

‘No. It was like a ghost town. I started screaming for help, and a janitor found us and called the entrance guy. They told me they would take her to the hospital, but she had to remain handcuffed because she hadn’t been discharged yet. She lost so much blood she shouldn’t have something blocking the free flow. Can you guys do something for…? Excuse me.’

An old man approached Julie from behind. Olivia recognized Julio Márquez standing behind her daughter, muttering something in Spanish.

‘¿Dónde estabas papá? (where were you dad?)’

‘Haciendo unas llamadas, ¿qué rayos hacen ellos aquí? (making some phone calls, what the hell are they doing here?).’

‘Son de SVU, papá, se encargan de casos como… como el de mamá (They are from SVU dad, they handle cases like… like mom’s).’

‘Handle cases? Or rather throwing them under the rug?’ The gentle-looking old man was now looking furious and was slowly approaching the detectives, ignoring his daughter’s words about slowing down because of his heart. ‘You! Now it turns out you want to help us! Over my dead body! We trusted you once, and look!’

‘Mr. Márquez we are deeply sorry about the search warrant it was-‘ Olivia tried to calm the situation.

‘THAT’S NOT WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!’ Julio screamed. ‘SVU has failed us over and over and over again! Just look! It happened again! And where were you?! If you had done your work! If you had done your work!’

‘DAD!’ Julie placed herself between her dad and the detectives. It was an extraordinary spectacle to Olivia’s eyes: the shocked and traumatized young woman she had seen merely moments before was now standing in front of her, her arms open wide and looking straight into Julio’s eyes. Her posture made her look dominant, and Liv noticed she was taking control of the situation. Her eyes, once glossy and lost, were now focused and cold.

‘They are not the same people of all those years ago! Times are different, and I know them! We need to let them work. It’s going to be different this time. But we need to step aside and collaborate. Look at what happened last time you wanted to take justice into your own hands! That cannot happen again. So step aside. We need to trust them.’

The fury in Julio’s eyes began to fade. His shoulders relaxed, and it looked now as if he was the scared kid and Julie was the adult in charge. She turned around to face the detectives.

‘I guess we need to go to the precinct.’

‘Yes.’ Olivia said, trying to dissimulate her shock. ‘I’ll call Carisi to try to drop the charges so we can uncuff her and-‘

‘That won’t be necessary. I have the order; release her now!’

Rafael Barba appeared through the door, suitcase in hand. He handed the guard the release papers, and Milagros was uncuffed immediately. Julie watched him in silence. She realized that that was the phone call his father was talking about. Turning around, her chest began aching at the sight of Lucía Barba hugging her dad.

‘Detectives, I represent the family now. We need to go down the precinct so that my clients can give you the whole picture of the implications of this case. It goes way down. If I were you, I would start pulling out old archives before you both were in SVU.’

They all left the hospital room. Immediately, Julie ran into Lucia’s arms, the lump in her throat threatening to make her break down, but she controlled it. She needed to be stronger than ever. Lucia slowly pulled away, her hands on Julie’s cheeks.

‘Go Julie, I’ll stay here. I’ll take care of her, my darling.’

Rafael opened the patrol car door. Both detectives were riding in the front, and he was at the back with Julie and her dad. The ride was silent, as none of the passengers knew what to do or say in this situation. He was watching through the window when he felt a slight push on his knee. Knowing perfectly well what that meant, he grabbed Julie’s hand, trying to transmit all the reassurance he could and the message that he would fight to the end of the world to win this case and finally bring justice to her family. She never let go of his hand the whole night.

Chapter Text

How did the news spread out don’t ask me. But what I can tell is that somehow the people that needed to be there (and some who needn’t), were there. Nick scoffed at the similarities between this situation and what happened a few weeks ago, when everybody gathered to watch Julie shine through the viewing room. Now, they were standing in front of a two-way mirror, without a trace of the bright smile that could light up a room. Melinda and he basically sprinted towards the 16th precinct, carrying all their supplies for gathering evidence; on the way, they parted ways briefly: Melinda stopped at the hospital to collect the rape kit, and Nick grabbed a clean set of clothes for his friend.

Amanda, Joe and Carisi were basically in their pyjamas. It was almost 1 AM when they received the news. Sgt. Bell was on duty but somehow managed to arrive just on time. And then there was Stabler. He originally was there to pick up Liv and take her home, but he decided to stay. He didn’t really know why, but a part of his heart ached deeply at the sight of Julie. The part that usually hurt when he thought of Kathy.

There was nothing but silence, both inside and outside of the room. The group gathered outside seemed to be holding its breath. On the inside, Julio’s face reflected the sadness and exhaustion of someone who had once again experienced the worst chapter of his life. Julie was still tense, her hand firmly attached to Rafael’s and her gaze focused on the table. Olivia could bet she hadn’t even blinked once.

‘Whenever you are ready.’ The calm voice of Fin took Olivia’s words right out of her mouth. She pressed the button to start the voice recording, slightly pushing the device closer to Julie. It was Julio who started talking instead.

‘I met Milagros when we were both stranded in Tamaulipas ready to cross the border. She has always been… like that.’ A soft smile appeared on Julio’s lips. ‘A fearless leader, a fighter, a person who would fight to the end of the world to bring justice and help the most needed. I think that’s what made me fall in love with her. We got married the day before we crossed and we made it all the way to New York.’ Julio adjusted on his seat. ‘It was difficult, as any immigrant can tell you, but we managed to survive and began creating our lives here. But her passion to seek what was right never ceased. She would often engage in protests, or go and intervene on unfair detentions of our fellow Latinos. I beg her to stop: our situation in the country was dangerous, and she was risking being deported. But she didn’t. And I’m glad she was terca (stubborn) like no other. Her fight helped to unite the community and create a safe space for all of us.’

Outside, Joe nodded in agreement with everything that Julio said. The people around him gave him a quick glance, which was interrupted once they noticed that Mr. Márquez posture had changed. He was hunched over, tense, and in his gaze appeared a darkness that no one seemed to understand.

‘The cops were aware of who she was, and the trouble she could cause. But she was very intelligent: did you know that back in Mexico she was studying to become a lawyer? A human rights one. She knew about her rights, and she was ready to fight back. And they as well. One night, she was helping the rebels to free some girls who had been kidnapped and prostituted. Everything was going well, but the cops arrived and they took her. Only her. They didn’t care about the kidnappers, or the clients or anything else.’

Julie’s body began shaking slightly. Rafael adjusted his grip. His eyes never leaving her.

‘They took her to a cell, and began torturing her, threatening to kill her if she didn’t stop her activities. She began fighting back, claiming that she was doing the job that the cops were supposed to do, and that killing her would only result in more riots and mobilizations. They… agreed with that, and the captain at the time said that he would give her something that would make her think twice before facing him again. And then… he… that bastard… he…’

‘He raped her.’ Olivia said. Julio nodded. ‘Did she see who it was? A name? A description? Did she get a rape kit?’

Julio dryly laughed. ‘It was a poorly illuminated cell, and she was cuffed and facing the wall. She said that he only referred to himself as “Captain”. And we tried to go to the hospital, but we were immigrants, claiming a cop attack. They didn’t even let us sit in the waiting room! I had to clean my wife’s wounds myself!’ Julio’s voice was so loud that Fin and Olivia had to lean back a little. His face was red now and he was breathing heavily. Julie placed her free hand on his back, lightly patting it and signaling him to sit.

‘Time passed and… when we thought it was over… that it had been just a horrible chapter and we would move past it… Milagros discovered that she was pregnant. It couldn’t be mine; she was way too weak and sore even two months after the attack to do… anything, you know? So…’

‘It had to be the cop’s.’ Fin finished the sentence. Julio nodded.

Olivia sighed. ‘You are not going to get in trouble for this, but we need to know if Milagros got an abortion…’

‘Well, if she had, you and I wouldn’t be talking right now, Captain.’ Julie looked at her right in the eye. The room went silent. Olivia’s eyes reflected a whirlwind of emotions; her heart was beating extremely fast, and she couldn’t hide the shock and surprise… of finding someone like her.

Elliot, Amanda, Fin, and Rafael could tell that the bomb of information had reached Liv, and very aware of the situation (now, of both women), all of them were holding their breath, waiting for what would happen next. Slowly, everyone came to the realization of the implications of Julie’s words, especially regarding the old man next to her, who cautiously continued the story.

‘We tried going to a clandestine clinic, but it was expensive, not to mention extremely dangerous. She was way too far into the pregnancy to even consider the possibility of her own survival. So we decided to wait and give the baby up for adoption… but when the moment came… we couldn’t—I couldn’t do it.’

‘So… you are not Julieta’s real father.’ Fin said. Julio turned to face Julie.

‘Oh no, I’m her real father. I raised her. I loved her every day since the minute I saw her; she was so small… We just don’t share the same genes. She is my daughter. She is my daughter.’

A painful smile appeared on Julie, Julio, and Olivia’s faces. After letting out a big sigh, Julie readjusted on her seat. It was her time to continue the story.

‘We thought that was the end, but over the years… there have been some incidents that we don’t think were… well, incidents. When I was eight, I was walking to school with my mom and some cops stopped and cornered us. I don’t remember what they looked like, but they were screaming at my mom along the lines of “We are not done with you.” When they were over, they called someone called “Captain”, to let him know what had happened. Then, when I was eighteen, I was walking by some patrol cars when I was pulled into a van. They made me call my parents and they told them that the revenge had finally arrived. They began cutting me with a knife while they listened until someone called them on the radio, and they pulled me out of the van and left.’

‘And you think these events were all orchestrated by the same “Captain”?’ Olivia asked.

‘Yes. Inside the van, the “Captain” was waiting for me. He didn’t do the cuts, only ordered around.’

‘I think we have enough to reopen the investigation, adding these new charges. We are going to find that bastard.’ Fin said, standing up. He then went to the window and knocked three times. The signal for Carisi’s entrance.

‘I hope you are willing to work together counselor, because I’m not leaving this case.’ Rafael quickly said while watching briefly the people outside the door, catching a glimpse of the person he wanted to talk to.

‘Don’t worry, Mr. Barba, it would be like old times, except I’m your equal this time.’ Carisi added with a smirk. He turned to see Julie, a kind smile on his face. ‘Do you… do you have pictures of your wounds? That might help to increase their jail time if we add charges for assault.’

Julie slowly stood up. She pulled her sweater over her head and rolled up her pants as much as the fabric would allow.

‘You can’t really see them anymore, which was the point, but if you touch and concentrate…’ Julie pulled one of Carisi’s hands to touch her arm. The detectives (inside and outside) watched as Julie guided the attorney through the patterns inked on her skin. Carisi felt it instantly: the scars that once would have been visible were there to the touch but hidden behind the tattoos that decorated her body.

‘My tattoo artist has before and after pictures; I can ask them to give me the files.’ Julie said.

‘You have the original report files?’ Barba asked Fin.

‘On it. They are archived in the basement; there is not even a digital file.’

‘This is a different SVU from the one you knew in the past. I’m so sorry about how the system failed you, but I can tell you that this case will receive the attention and respect that always deserved. I give you my word.’ Olivia said.

‘Thanks for your words, Captain Benson, but actually.’ Rafael said, turning to the window. ‘Captain McGrath? Can I have a word? I would like to ask for a change of main investigator for this case.’

The room went silent, all eyes on Barba. Olivia’s mouth was wide open, and Elliot’s was on the other side. Captain McGrath, Chief of Detectives, entered through the door, leaving it wide open and allowing the people from both sides to see each other.

‘Mr. Barba, are you aware that your petition is-‘

‘Completely valid since there are multiple situations involving Captain Benson and members of this police station, including excessive force arrests and search warrants without the necessary grounds made to my client, which make me doubt her impartiality and ability to resolve this case. So I insist again, is Sergeant Tutuola available, or Detective Rollins?’

‘Consider it done. Tutuola, Rollins, you are up.’ McGrath said without taking his eyes off Benson.

‘Oh Sgt. Bell, good to see you.’ Barba said, looking at the woman at the door, his eyes never leaving Elliot. ‘I would also like to ask you to keep an eye on Detective Stabler, as it is known that he likes to… participate in SVU cases when he is not part of this department. I don’t want to remind you that he also participated in activities targeting my client, and well… we don’t want any… mishaps.’ Barba smirked and turned to look at Benson again. ‘Don’t worry, we won’t press charges for any of those situations, but you have to understand that this is a delicate situation and we would prefer having an impartial investigation, right Captain Benson?’

Olivia looked at him straight in the eye. Although his words were harsh, she knew it was true: she had already made several mistakes regarding her treatment of Julie, which would cause more trouble if she was in charge. Any little mistake would seem on purpose, and the whole case could break down. Accepting her defeat, she nodded in agreement and passed the recorder and the notes to Fin.

‘Hey Barba, I know what you are doing, but we are already short-staffed and while Amanda can work with TARU and forensics, she cannot exactly do field work right now…’ Fin said.

‘You can help.’ Julie said, looking at Olivia. ‘I know… how good you are at your job, and all I’m asking is that you do that. Your job.’ Now, all eyes were on Julie. Barba looked at her, trying to make sure if she was sure.

‘Ok…’ Olivia added, still unsure of how to feel. ‘We need a way to tie all these events to the “Captain”. We can pull up who was there on the dates you mention, but it’s going to be difficult since all could be treated as circumstantial.’

‘We have fluids now, Melinda just got the rape kit, but we need more to prove that it’s the same people from all those years ago.’

‘There is a way… to know.’ Julie said, finding Nick’s eyes. ‘Nick, final exam question: what would you do to obtain that information?’

Nick looked at her, his eyes showing that he knew the answer; he just didn’t want to say it.

‘Nick!’

‘We can do a paternity test. Match it with the semen found on the scene and see, well, if it matches… half of your genes.’

‘Correct answer.’ Julie said, her voice cracking. She turned to look at Julio, her arms surrounding him, and Rafael was able to hear what she said to him in a whisper while the old man nodded sadly, caressing his daughter’s hair.

‘Sabes que no significa nada, pero es la única manera de saber (you know it doesn’t mean anything, but it’s the only way to know).’

‘Ok then. You do that, and we’ll meet later to discuss the results.’ Rafael said standing up, Julie and Julio following him. ‘Sgt. Tutuola, I expect to be informed of anything you can find. Carisi, I’ll see you tonight in my office to discuss our strategy. Rest well, everybody, we will need it.’

Everybody started leaving the interrogation room. Julie excused herself to go to the bathroom with Melinda, taking the change of clothes that Nick brought her to leave hers for evidence. When she returned, Amanda hugged her tightly, followed by Joe and Nick. Sgt. Bell gave her a sympathetic look, and she briefly exchanged glances with Stabler. She returned to where her father and Rafael were.

‘I’ll go back to the hospital to see Mom, I don’t want Lucía to stay there; it’s so late.’

‘Let’s go then.’ Julio said.

‘No Dad, you go home. Too many emotions, you need to rest. Think of your heart.’

‘I’ll take him home, Julie, don’t worry.’ Joe said. ‘Come on Mr. Márquez.’

Before they left, Julio hugged his daughter and then turned to do the same with Rafael. When they parted ways, Julio got closer to the attorney.

‘Please take care of her, my son.’ He whispered.

‘Always, sir, always.’ Rafael answered.

When both men left, Julie grabbed her bag and started heading towards the door. Rafael walked quickly to catch up.

‘Wait, I’m coming with you.’

Chapter Text

She didn’t even have the energy to say no. She grabbed Rafael’s hand automatically, and they left the precinct. It was like she was walking underwater: all the sounds, visuals, and sensations felt so distant. Her feet were fighting to move against the current, trying to get her somewhere, but she didn’t know where. Maybe she was just walking in circles; in a way, she knew she had always been.

Every year, her birthday was a constant reminder of what happened. She could see it in her mother’s eyes: Milagros couldn’t hold her after giving birth; she wouldn’t even acknowledge the presence of the crying baby in the house. She turned ten before knowing what being appropriately held by your mother meant. They had to learn how to love each other through the years and were nearly there, so close…

She could see it in his father’s eyes: At the time, the news that there had been complications in childbirth and that his wife's womb would have to be removed nearly devastated him. They would never have children of their own, and the only baby that would be born would be the result of the worst thing that had ever happened to them. But he fell in love with her the minute she was on this earth, named her after him, and gave her his last name… And yet, there was a hint of pain every time Julio looked at her, having to explain to a little girl why she didn’t look like him (or her mother) and that, deep inside, he would have done anything to prevent this whole nightmare, whatever it entailed.

Even after thirty-three years, Julie felt like her mere existence kept them from moving on. She also would give everything to go back and disappear from this planet if that meant that her parents would have the happiness that they deserved. She felt like a hypocrite to the man next to her, who was carefully guiding her through the hospital’s aisles. She wanted him to heal so badly from all the painful stuff in his past when, in reality, she had never been over her own problems. And she was drowning, gasping for air, trying to continue in this never-ending spiral. Wouldn’t it be easier just to let go? Disappear? What if she never existed? What if…

‘Ju?’

In the dark waters surrounding her, a green light suddenly appeared. In reality, two lights, bright as ever. Oh, the irony. It was the sixth book they read together. In her shipwreck, Julie wondered if they were at the part of the story when the significance of that light had now vanished forever. In contrast, Rafael’s bookmarker remained at the beginning, where the light tried to signal the way home. However, it was, at that moment, she only knew that it was the only sign of life in kilometers and that if she stopped looking at it, she would definitely drown.

‘Ju, are you listening?’

‘No, I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay. I was saying that my mom had to take a call and will return in a minute. Also, I called Dr. Warner. Your leave of absence has been approved. You cannot return to work; otherwise, the defense might argue that you altered the evidence given your position. Also, it would be a good idea not to contact Rollins or Joe on your own, just when they call you to give you updates on the investigation. I know it’s hard and that they are your friends, but we have to be careful; it’s a delicate case.’

Rafael waited for her response. He knew two things: that he shouldn’t push her and that he had to keep talking so that Julie wouldn’t drown in her own thoughts. It’s how she worked. He knew it very well, although he wasn’t sure how well it would work this time. The last time it happened, when she lost her job, she only asked him to cuddle her and to stay by her side. Now, he needed to figure out a way to give her the same reassurance but without crossing the wall between them. A wall he built himself. A wall he blamed himself every day for.

‘You know I can’t afford you.’

‘Don’t even mention that, please. I’m doing this for all of you.’

Before Julie was able to complain, the quick steps in the distance alerted them of Lucia's presence. Both stood up and, reminiscent of the day they all met, Lucia brought them to her arms.

‘She’s stable honey. But the tube has to stay in as a precaution.’

‘I don’t know how to thank you, Lucia, for everything.’

‘She’s my best friend, and I love you with all my heart. You don’t have to thank me for anything.’

‘Mami, it’s very late. I’ll call you a taxi, we’ll stay here, don’t worry.’

‘We?’

Once again, she didn’t have time to complain because Rafael grabbed his mother’s arm, escorting her to the exit after a quick goodbye. Julie entered her mother’s room, the pain in her chest increasing with each step. She looked so fragile. The last time she was in front of a hospital gurney, she also feared losing a parent. And here she was again. She wanted to scream. She wanted to tear the world apart. But she stood there, unable to move. Until a pair of hands grabbed her shoulders from behind.

‘Ju, you need to rest. The following weeks will be hard, so you need to be prepared, and that begins with sleeping. Come with me.’

Rafael’s soft voice (and hands) guided her towards the exit. She briefly turned around to catch a last glimpse of her mother, whispering a soft “I love you” in her direction. When they arrived at the waiting room, Rafael gently guided her to the couch. A sandwich appeared in front of her, followed by a cup of tea. Cinnamon. They quietly ate, and soon after, Julie felt her eyelids become extremely heavy, and a dreamless sleep took over her.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

She slept longer than she intended to. When she woke up, her phone was “magically” charging, a cup of warm coffee with her name was next to her (alongside a packet of brown sugar), and a blazer was covering her from the hospital's air conditioning. But the owner of the blazer was nowhere to be seen. She checked the time: 9 AM. Visiting hours would start soon. She wandered through the aisles until she heard a particular name being called.

‘Okay, Mr. Barba. Is your appointment next week at the same time?’

‘Actually, I asked the doctor if I could do my session online for the following weeks, and he approved. I need to be close to home for work-related stuff.’

‘No problem at all, then it is set. Have a good one!’

‘Thanks.’

Julie observed Rafael leaving the hospital's psychology department. His gaze was fixed on his phone (probably scheduling his appointment on his calendar) and, in his free hand, a brown paper bag. When he looked up, he smiled faintly.

‘Oh hey, you are awake now. Sorry for not being there when you woke up; I had to do stuff. I bought us some bagels, wanna have breakfast?’

Julie muttered a small “Thanks” and grabbed the paper bag. Their usual order was waiting for them inside. In other circumstances, she would curse at how well he still knew her, but right now, she was grateful to have a little bit of normal in her life.

‘I… saw you at the Psychological ward. Is everything okay?’

‘Oh yeah, just my weekly session.’ He looked at her right in the eye. ‘I’m… truly going this time. Ever since… well… you know. And slowly but surely, I’ve been feeling better. He gives me tasks and homework, and I think it’s working.’

‘I’m glad to hear that. I’m happy for you.’ There was a faint smile on both of their faces. They continued to eat in silence, when the voice announcing visiting hours had begun, made Julie hurry up.

‘Hey… Thank you for staying with me… you really didn’t have to. I think I’ll visit my mom for a little bit and then I’ll go. You don’t have to stay; I know you have work.’

‘Thank you for letting me stay. Where are you going to stay? With Amaro?’

‘I don’t know, I guess I’ll stay with my dad, he really needs me.’

‘If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me or my mom. Lo digo en serio, Ju (I mean it, Ju).’

‘I need for all of this to be over.’

‘I promise I won’t rest until you and your family get the peace that you deserve.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Amanda knew there was a reason why doctors don’t perform surgery on their family members. It was an emotional burden that could lead to mistakes. But she was determined to go above and beyond on this investigation. With every file she retrieved and every test she encountered, Amanda was convinced that her friend and her family were the bravest people she had ever met. She, more than anyone, knew what it was like for the system to fail you, and she was willing to do anything to repay them. Currently, she was reading the original report file for what it seemed the millionth time. They still didn’t have a clue, and the 3-day wait from the paternity test was eating her alive.

‘Hey, I just got back from the lab; you need to see this.’

Olivia appeared at her desk, files in hand. Both women scanned the pages of the analyses made at OCME (multiple confirmations and re-tests were done to make sure, thanks to Nick’s initiative).

‘Okay, so the paternity test matches Julie with someone in the system. According to the records, the person in question is a retired officer named Wyatt Krantz. He retired 15 years ago.’ Olivia said.

‘When Julie was eighteen. It matches the date from the last attack she told us about.’

‘And not only that. The semen found at the crime scene matches him. He came back to finish what he started.’

‘Only this time, he won’t get away with it. I need everything from here: all his arrests, IAB reports, personal history…’

‘I’m one step ahead of you. He had several reports from female officers back in the day accusing him of harassment. He also failed the sergeant exam five times and was never able to be accepted as a detective.’

‘So the “Captain” thing… was he compensating for something?’ Amanda and Olivia rolled their eyes.

‘Apparently, he was really influential. He had control over several rookies and was in charge of their “orientation”, a way of threatening them to do what he wanted to do. He would often pick up the problematic young officers, or those on probation, so you can imagine what kind of people they were.’

‘I can’t understand how they let him get away with so many things. I mean, we have thousands of letters from the women working at the department at the time, and none of them went even through HR.’

‘I know… And all the stuff he did to Mrs. Márquez… he truly wanted to end with her.’

‘Hey, speaking of that, you don’t have to do all this, you know?’

‘Amanda, not you, please; I swear I won’t damage the investigation because I had conflicts with Julieta in the past.’

‘I’m not talking about that; you know I’ve worked for people that I don’t particularly like, and I trust you. I was talking about the other stuff. I saw your face when Julie revealed that she was that baby, and, I don’t want you to be in an uncomfortable situation.’

‘I appreciate your concern, Rollins, but I’m fine. I promise. It was the shock of, you know, finding someone who is completely different from you and learning you have more in common than you imagined…’

‘Oh how tables have turned.’

‘I wished I’d done things differently. Maybe we could’ve been friends, you know? She and Rafa made a lovely couple. And I feel responsible for that as well.’

‘I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I hope everyone gets the closure they need, even if it’s not the happy ending we expect. That includes you, Liv.’

‘I hope for that too, Amanda. Now let’s give this to Carisi and Barba; let’s see if it’s enough for a warrant.’

Chapter Text

If those steps could talk, they would reveal stories that not everyone could handle. They would tell you all about the people who have been chased by the press, who have been shot, who lost everything after the jury’s decision, or who regained their humanity because of that. Rafael was standing on those steps when he was threatened when he defended countless victims when he quitted his job… and now, to fight a case that meant the world to him. Since he left his job at the D.A. office, standing in the courthouse brought many different sensations, most negative. It was like visiting your childhood home and remembering equally the stars in the ceiling of your room and the screams in the living room late at night. Being a defense attorney also didn’t help: with each case he had to take into that court (Davis, Wheatley, Hackman), he felt so distant to that past life working for the other team, and the building became bigger and more sinister each time. Now, he was holding his sling in the form of a suitcase, and Goliath was inside.

It was a high-profile case, a “respected” retired NYPD officer vs an immigrant woman who wasn’t even there to declare. Despite a favorable evolution since the day of the attack, Milagros was still too weak to leave the hospital, so Carisi and Rafael had to design a plan over the past two weeks (since the aggressor was arrested) to present credible evidence from different witnesses and experts. Usually, he would feel confident going to trial with that significant disadvantage; at the end of the day, he had a gift with words, and Carisi had done a good job at the jury selection. But there were two primary concerns in this case:

The first one is that the defense attorney was Buchanan. He had always disliked his methods, and knowing his witnesses, he was scared that the attorney would scare them away or make them break down. No matter how much he could prepare them beforehand, going against Buchanan was a strategy game that could go wrong inadvertently.

The second one was his personal relationship with the case. He thought of all the moments spent at the Márquez household: the warm meals, the soccer matches on Sundays, birthday celebrations, anniversaries… He thought of the good that Milagros' friendship had done for his mother. He remembered her warm embrace the day he asked for her daughter’s hand, finally accepting him as her new son. He thought of the fierce determination of his ex-mother-in-law, which inspired him to mention his roots more frequently (and proudly). He thought about the family history entrusted to him years ago, which made him see how valuable those people were, who, even in their imperfections and brokenness, managed to be a family.

And, of course, he thought about Julie. He would not deny that he was still helplessly in love with her and would go back with her in a heartbeat. But now, it was neither the time nor the occasion to make a move of those. Julie was broken; the demons from her past had finally reached her, and Rafael wanted to fight them at all costs, not to win Julie back for him but for herself. That woman was a light in many people’s lives (including his), a brilliant mind, and even a brighter heart that had to return. And he was ready to go to the underworld to bring her back to life and witness the joy that only she could provide, even if that meant saying goodbye forever to the chance of a happy ending together.

Buchanan and Krantz were sitting a few meters away from them. It made him sick to his stomach to notice that, in fact, the bastard and Julie shared similar features, namely the nose and the eyes. The crumbled paper on which his opening statement was written was evidence of his hate towards the man. With a deep breath, he stepped toward the center of the courtroom, ready to start the fight of his life.

‘Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, today we confront a painful truth: the cycle of violence that can bind a survivor to their past. The defendant in this case is not merely a man facing charges; he is a predator who, years ago, shattered a woman’s life with his heinous act. Today, he stands accused of doing it again. This is not just about what happened that night—it's about the trauma that echoes through time, the fear that lingers, and the fight for justice that continues. You will hear evidence and witness testimonies that lay bare the defendant’s history of violence and manipulation. We ask you to remember that the strength of a survivor is not defined by their ability to forget but by their courage to confront their past. Justice delayed is justice denied. It is time to hold the defendant accountable for his past and present actions.

Julie was their first witness. She had a modest black dress, her piercings were gone, and she had no make-up on except for the one used to cover up all her tattoos. The dark circles under her eyes were more evident as she recalled the events of that night, as well as her experience with Krantz and his allies in the past. He and Carisi agreed on letting the younger attorney manage their witnesses while Barba would take care of the cross-examination. Which speaking of, was about the start.

‘Miss Márquez, it’s good to see you again.’ Buchanan’s fake smile made Barba roll his eyes. ‘You told us a terrible tale, a traumatic event for a kid. How can we be sure it’s true? I mean, you were eight when you allegedly had your first encounter with my client, or rather, people who claimed to be working for him. Did you watch too much T.V. as a kid? Too many cop shows?’

‘I didn’t own a television as a kid, counselor. And I’m sure of what happened; the therapist I started seeing when that happened has all the records of our conversations.’

‘Oh, thanks for bringing that up. You also claimed that an attack on your person occurred when you were eighteen, also by orders of my client, allegedly. But you also have a story of being under psychological watch for certain depressive episodes throughout your history, according to the psychologist that you mentioned, and also a history of hanging out with some questionable people in your hometown. Tell me, a better explanation for the apparition of those nasty wounds wouldn’t be revenge from those groups. Perhaps a jealous boyfriend over there?’

‘I was not involved in any gang if that’s what you are insinuating. My family always believed that everyone deserved another chance, so we helped those kids when possible; that’s how I knew them.’

‘Or maybe you made those scars yourself to get your parent’s attention? We all go through that stage.’

‘If you see the forensic evidence, it is virtually impossible for me to have self-inflicted these injuries…’

‘Oh yes, you are a recognized doctor in forensic sciences, now I remember. Isn’t that convenient Ms. Márquez? Let me put the facts on the table. You have spent all your life trying to take revenge on the man that supposedly raped your mother, so you study forensics to understand how things like that work, so you can have all the resources to make things credible. Then, you take advantage of a terrible situation that happened to your mother recently. You both cry out rape and accuse the only name that you know so that everything can come together for the perfect revenge on an innocent man whose only crime was to be your mother’s lover and, as your beloved science proved, your father. That’s some cynical and perverse plan, miss Márquez.

Rafael couldn’t be more grateful that Carisi was the one that stood up. Otherwise, he and Buchanan’s jugular vein would have had a chat. ‘Objection! Is there a question?’

‘Sustained. Mr. Buchanan?’

‘Sorry, your Honor. I’m just disgusted by this case. My client is a retired NYPD officer who worked all his life for his country and this city. And being framed with all of this nonsense is just…’

‘Objection!’

‘Sustained, jury will disregard. Mr. Buchanan, please.’

‘Miss Márquez, I know you have had a traumatic couple of months. I heard you called out your engagement; sorry to hear that.’ Buchanan made sure to watch Rafael in the eye while making that statement. ‘I just wanted to ask you if you consider it fair to bring out something that happened years ago, that you have no evidence because you weren’t even born, your mother is not here to testify, and that never reached a police precinct, and condemn a man that has a completely different story that you have refused to hear, based on pure hate?’

Julie looked at Buchanan straight in the eye. Rafael noticed she was gripping the chair, probably trying to control the evident fury in her eyes. ‘Over the past months, I published 3 articles, received an award and was the cover of a women in STEM magazine. I don’t think that someone about to burst from hate can do that. The thing you don’t understand, counselor, is that I’m not motivated by hate; it’s not worth it for people like Mr. Krantz. I’m here because the evidence points to a serious crime, even the one that was recovered before I was born. Ignoring these truths simply to protect someone’s narrative is not justice, and my mother deserves justice, even if that’s thirty-three years late.’

‘Let’s see if that’s true. No further questions, your Honor.’

Rafael had faced Buchanan on different occasions throughout their careers, and he knew that he was prone to throw unnecessary and threatening comments like that one when he was unsatisfied with the cross examination, meaning that he failed to push the witness into his tramp. It goes without saying that Rafael was incredibly proud of Julie. She silently left the room, exchanging a quick look with Rafael. Maybe he was imagining stuff, but he could bet there was a weak smile on her face.

‘Mr. Carisi, your next witness?’

‘Yes, your honor. We call Mr. Nicolas Amaro to the stand.’

Rafael turned to look at Carisi as Nick approached. His eyes scanned the rest of the people in the room.

‘Amaro? Our next witness was Mr. Márquez.’ He whispered.

‘I know, but Mr. Márquez is not feeling well. Amanda is with him right now. Maybe we can try after the recess.’

‘Not feeling well? Why didn’t you tell me? I-‘

‘Good afternoon Mr. Amaro.’

Rafael’s heart started beating fast. It wasn’t the first time that a witness didn’t show up, and he had to improvise with what he had. On those occasions, he would focus on the cursing, and the squad was the one to focus on the worrying; he couldn’t help it; the strategy had to be traced perfectly, and the whole case may crumble and fall because of that. However, this time, he wasn’t feeling angry or anything like that. He was worried, extremely worried: Julio’s health condition was not ideal, and adding the stress of the trial didn’t help. He ignored Carisi's questions (who was he kidding? He trusted the boy), and began muttering a silent prayer that his abuelita taught him. It was his family, after all; even if he was no longer in the picture, he cared for each member with all his heart. He didn’t even notice when Buchanan started talking until Sonny handed him the pen to take notes.

‘Mr. Amaro. I knew you sounded familiar; you used to be a cop.’

‘Correct.’

‘And if I remember correctly, you had multiple disciplinary reports.’

‘Objection! The witness’ past is not relevant for the discipline of the testimony he is providing.’

‘Sustained.’

‘Mr. Amaro, what is your formation? How did you end up working at the OCME?’

‘After I left my job as a cop, I decided to go back to school to study forensics. I graduated and then pursued a doctorate in genetics.’

‘But you haven’t finished.’

‘No, it is in process still.’

‘Therefore, we can assume you are not an expert in the field.’

‘I may not have the title yet, but I have experience working in laboratories in California and New York under the supervision of prominent doctors. I have passed all the required qualifications for both jobs. I know what I am doing.’

‘Right, I just find that very convenient, considering that you got that job because of your past connections at the NYPD and by recommendation of Miss Márquez.’

‘Objection, argumentative.’

‘I’m just trying to create a pattern here, your honor. Isn’t it suspicious that the expert that Mr. Carisi and Mr. Barba brought is way too involved in both areas, which could easily frame my client? I just want to know where he came from and what his agenda is.’

‘I’ll allow it. Mr. Amaro, please answer how you got your job at the OCME.’

Nick paused for a second. ‘I got my job like all the people that work there. By an interview and examination of my abilities. Nobody at SVU knew that I was doing that. My only connection before was with Dr. Márquez because I was her student for a while in my doctorate courses.’

‘So you admit that Miss Márquez gave you that job.’

‘It is DOCTOR Márquez counsellor. And no. She was not even around when I applied for the job with Dr. Warner.’

‘But she had a big influence on Dr. Warner’s decision, I mean, she basically put you on a golden plate for her! She’s manipulating that office to her liking, I don’t want to imagine that she does that with the evidence and investigations!’

‘Do you know how understaffed we are? Do you realize with how little we have to work to be able to handle all the workload that comes every day? Let me tell you one thing! Dr. Márquez managed to change stuff around the office because it used to be bullshit! There is a lot of corruption going around! Awful people in power. And she decided to reverse all the damage that those people brought to the institution, even if that cost her her job at the time! If that office is standing, if we are all standing, it is because of her. Don't try to change the narrative of your good deeds to suit YOUR AGENDA.’

‘So powerful Mr. Amaro. You almost made me cry. Let me just ask you: do you feel like you owe Miss Márquez something? Or that you would do anything for her regarding your job?’

‘Yes I do, but-‘

‘No further questions.’

‘We’ll be resuming tomorrow. The court is adjourned.’

Nick slowly approached both attorneys, a worried look on his face.

‘I’m sorry, he knew how to push me. I screwed it, goddamit!’

‘No… not necessarily. If we are lucky, the jury will get the message that Julie and you are experts doing their job, and not the last part.’ Barba reassured. ‘Speaking of, have you seen Julie? Is she with her father?’

Julie was, in fact, not with her father. After finishing her testimony, she planned to go to her house, but a rather big crowd at the courthouse's entrance stopped her. As much as she loved the people from the barrio, she didn’t want anybody attending the trial, as more angry people wouldn’t help the image of the case, and knowing her neighbours, it would have been impossible to control them. But somehow, they found out the date and time, and were angrily complaining, but not about not being invited.

‘¿Cómo es posible que dejes a ese traidor a cargo del caso? (How is it possible for you to leave that traitor in charge of the case?)’

‘¿No ves que va a perder a propósito? (Can't you see he's going to lose on purpose?)’

‘A Milagros nunca le cayó bien. (Milagros never liked him.)’

‘Ese pseudo blanquito no sabe nada de nosotros. (That pseudo-white guy doesn't know anything about us.)’

‘Podemos encontrar mejores abogados, alguien que si nos represente. (We can find better lawyers, someone that actually represent us.)’

‘BASTA (ENOUGH)’. Julie’s face was red and her eyes were filled with anger and sadness. ‘Rafael Barba is the best attorney that this city had for many years, even if he wasn’t representing us. He knows what he is doing and he is very good at it. I trust him, and you should too.’

‘Even after everything that happened Julie? You were the one that left that house.’

‘That’s not what we are talking about. And I have complete faith in his humanity and professionalism, yes, even after everything. I know him better than all of you, and you are wrong about so many things. So if you excuse me, I need to go see my parents; that’s the real support you should be giving, not trying to scare away our best chance to have justice.’

Julie quickly made her way through the crowd, not even noticing that the man that she had just defended, was standing speechless behind her. Carisi and Amaro looked at him with amused expressions on their faces. He slowly made his way in front of the crowd, clearing his throat to catch their attention.

‘I know that all of you dislike me, and believe me, if I were in your place, I would also be angry at the man that tried to deny where he came from, and tried to hide his truth. You may not believe it, but I regret many things in life,, and growing outside the community is one of them. And you may think it’s ironic that the most hated man in the barrio is fighting for the most beloved family, but that’s how things are. I’m fighting with you, not against you, and Milagros, Julie, and Julio need all of us, so put our differences aside and help me win this.

Chapter Text

This time, there was not a double bagel order waiting for her. It was just one, along with her coffee and a note from Rafael apologizing for not waking her up to say goodbye, and that he needed to go and check stuff with Carisi. He didn’t take his blazer with him. Despite having been able to sleep one month on the morgue’s floor, after five days in the hospital’s waiting room, she was exhausted.

They extubated her mother last night. It was a small action, given that she was still sedated, but being able to breathe by herself was the first step to having her back. Hospitals were strange. It was a place where death was around the corner, and also where miracles could happen. And she needed one, desperately. As much as she didn’t want to think about it, a part of her knew that her desired miracle came in the form of Rafael. He had been staying with her at the hospital, bringing her food, making sure she made it to her parent’s house safely, and, of course, taking her case for free. It was overwhelming how much he cared for her.

She was going back to see her mother when she received a call from Carisi, informing her that the trial would reassume that evening and that she needed to be ready. It may seem selfish and ungrateful, but Julie hated how fast the case evolved. She knew that if it were not for her connections with the NYPD and the D.A.’s office, her family would be stuck waiting for a trial day for weeks if not months. But at the same time, everything was going at the speed of light, and her mind and heart couldn’t keep up.

Now, there wasn’t just dark waters surrounding her but also a heavy mist that prevented her from reaching out and for others to reach for her. The fog covered the bathroom mirror, where a heavy amount of foundation buried her tattoos. The fog also hid the small box containing all her jewelry and piercings, that one day she took off never to put on again, because what was the point? The mist hid the numerous missing calls and texts from her friends and placed itself between those who wanted to console her, making her turn around to avoid the hug that could make her crumble and fall. Maliciously enough, the only person who was not covered by the mist was her mother, a constant reminder of her cruel reality and how the world that she tried to hide with water-based markers was actually pretty dark. Giving her a soft kiss on her temple, Julie left the hospital room, feeling itchy from the suit she was wearing and from the anguish in her heart.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

As previously mentioned, Rafael Barba’s heart often threatened to escape his chest when facing imminent danger. This occasion was different, though, because he could actually feel his heart outside his body, but it wasn’t just because he was scared to death to do his cross-examination, but also because a murderous feeling was dangerously accumulating inside of him. This feeling was triggered by three names: Wyatt Krantz, John Buchanan, and Fritz Showalter, the latter of which was currently on the stand with nothing but bullshit pouring from his mouth.

The defense strategy was making him sick to his stomach: they were trying to use the card that, back in the day, Milagros was so desperate to obtain a green card that she decided to cheat on her husband with Krantz, get pregnant and obtain U.S. citizenship. And that now, she was trying to get back to the “Captain”, as Julio’s health was a burden to her, but there had been a misunderstanding and now she was claiming rape again. Despite not having real proof of all those claims, their secret weapon was to use Julie, making it seem that she had been planning revenge on Krantz all these years and that with her knowledge and resources she could do so. Rafael knew that he needed to be careful and strategize, refuting each of their arguments as harshly as possible without involving Julie, or trying to show that they wanted to sink her. However, he didn’t know how he would show that.

Showalter was the defense’s expert, and as previously mentioned, a professional idiot. He was claiming that it would have been impossible that Milagros had gotten pregnant from a sexual assault: he allegedly had articles that backed that biologically, women’s bodies would shut down at stressful situations, making it impossible for them to conceive. He also suggested that given that Julie was Krantz’s biological daughter, the only way that could’ve worked was if the sex was consensual, supporting the cheating statement. If looks could kill…

‘Mr. Showalter, or is it doctor Showalter?’

‘Doctor is fine Mr. Barba.’

‘But you haven’t practiced medicine in twelve years, right?’

‘Well, yes, but I’ve been following closely some updates from cases that are in my interest from my time as an obstetrician.’

‘Like the one you just presented.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Are you aware that the most recent studies show that women who have been raped are just as likely to get pregnant as women who have consensual sex?’

‘Female anatomy hasn’t changed, Mr. Barba. Many studies show that it’s harder to conceive under stress.’

‘But those studies refer to long-term stress, not rape, correct?’

‘Well, yes. But I speak in my experience as a doctor that that is the truth.’

‘Oh yes, your experience as a doctor… which you haven’t put in practice for twelve years… tell me, Mr. Showalter, how many publications do you have in the Journal of Clinical Obstetrics?’

‘I… don’t recall.’

‘Three. When was the last time a paper had your name on it?’

‘I also don’t recall.’

‘1974, a lot has happened in between those years, Mr. Showalter. And you say you keep in touch with subjects like this? Why not do it formally, like all respectable scientists and investigators? Why did you step out of the medical field?’

‘I wanted to pursue politics. Become a congressman.’

‘Yeah, and that didn’t have anything to do with you being censored for inappropriate behavior by your clinic in Kentucky?’

‘I’m not able to disclose any of that.’

‘I’ll let the jury interpret that. Returning to my point, you have not seen a patient in twelve years, you haven’t published any papers, participated in congresses… Your claims have been refuted since then; science is always evolving you know?’ Rafael turned around and approached the people attending. His eyes immediately connected with Julie and Amaro. ‘Any of your researcher colleagues in the room can tell you that re-accreditations and actualizations are a vital part of science.’

‘Objection, is there a question?’

‘I’m sorry, your honor. I just find it funny that the defense tried to question Mr. Amaro’s expertise when he published more articles in the process of becoming a doctor than this man had in his whole career. Withdrawn.’

It was then that Barba noticed Olivia passing a document to Carisi. The younger attorney scanned the document and immediately stood up to hand it to Rafael. He couldn’t believe what he was reading. He locked eyes with Liv, and a slight nod was exchanged, and a smirk was placed upon his lips.

‘Mr. Showalter, you said you were an obstetrician, correct?’

‘Yes, I already said that.’

‘Then why were you part of the executive committee of the Office of Chief Medical Examiners?’

‘Objection, relevance?’

‘Overruled.’

‘My… my brother-in-law was one part of the director’s board for a long time. He needed another person to fill the position, so he asked me. I just signed papers, that’s all.’

‘A person with no qualifications in the area, I see. Do you recognize this?’

‘It’s a dismissal letter.’

‘Signed by you?’

‘Signed by me.’

‘For who? Who did you fire, Mr. Showalter?’

‘Dr. Julieta Márquez.’

Julie, Nick and Melinda looked at each other and then at the man at the stand. He caught their glance but turned to the other side.

‘And why?’

‘My brother-in-law made me sign… he didn’t want Dr. Márquez working there anymore.’

‘What did your brother-in-law tell you about Dr. Márquez?’

‘His words… not mine… that she was a problematic bitch, a stupid woman who didn’t know her place, and that it was ridiculous that she wanted to become Chief Medical Examiner.’

‘I see… did you even know Dr. Márquez? Were you aware of what was happening at your “workplace”?’

‘No, I did not.’

‘Then why you signed?’

‘Because… I thought they were valid concerns… and also because there were other options for Chief Examiner.’

‘Like your nephew, Dominic?’

‘Yes…’

‘No further questions.’

Buchanan was tapping on his desk furiously. The look of disgust of the judge, members of the jury (mainly women), and people in the audience couldn’t be hidden. Those who lived Julie’s firing firsthand knew how unfair it was, and how, since her reincorporation and firing of the oldest members, the OCME has been growing in a new direction for the better. And now, knowing who was in part guilty of that obscure period (when the backlog increased day by day), made their blood boil.

Rafael let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. They won this one. Law was not an exact science: sometimes, even with the most precise and trustworthy evidence, the verdict could be the opposite of what anyone expected. The fate of a human being was decided by twelve individuals, who could be deeply affected by some pieces of evidence or completely ignore them. But, judging by the expression of the majority of the people on his right side, the cross-examination made them realize some of the lies that the defense told. So, they had won this one. It was just a matter of not letting the tables turn.

‘Barba, Mr. Márquez is here, do you think it’s a good idea? Or shall we wait?’ Carisi whispered.

‘I told you to take him off the witness list!’ Rafael harshly whispered back. ‘I don’t think he should be here; his health is fragile. Let’s approach and see what the defense thinks; they were about to bring Krantz to the stand.’ With a small gesture, the three attorneys approached the judge.

‘Your honor, Mr. Julio Márquez is here to give his testimony.’

‘Yes, I remember. Is he feeling okay?’

‘He was cleared by the doctor appointed by the court yesterday, and he says he is ready to testify…’ Carisi clarified.

‘Mr. Buchanan, it is up to you; you were about to bring one of your witnesses.’

‘I’m feeling compassionate today, your honor. Let’s hear what Mr. Márquez has to say.’ The sinister smile on Buchanan’s lips made Rafael clench his jaw. He knew that smile. When they returned to their seats, Rafael felt his heart racing as Julio approached and took the oath.

Carisi’s questions were simple, and Mr. Márquez’s answers were a carbon copy of the testimony he gave Fin and Liv. Not even once Buchanan tried to object. He was just looking at the man with that fucking smile on his lips. Rafael was trying not to look at him, but his body language made him sick. He knew he was planning something and, based on his experience, Buchanan was ready to let out all his dirty tricks.

He turned around briefly to see Julie. Despite all the time away from each other, he hoped that she would still be able to read him. When she caught his glance, his eyes full of worry, and his nostrils showing his heavy breathing, he sent her the message he was trying hard to evoke: be prepared.

‘Mr. Márquez, how are you doing? How are you feeling?’

‘Better, thank you.’

‘Tell me, why did you start to feel sick?’

‘I…I just want this to be over. This case… this situation… it hurt my family, and it was just too much to handle.’

‘You told the doctor who saw you yesterday that you felt like someone was watching you all the time, correct?’

‘Well… yes… I’ve been feeling like that for a while.’

‘And why it’s that?’

‘I mean, we are on trial… and the police attacked m-my wife… It’s normal to feel like that!’ Julio let out a nervous laugh.

‘Alright! So you have been feeling like that for thirty years or so, right? When all of this nonsense begin?’

‘No… I mean… maybe… when it happened, yes!’

‘Yes, no, maybe. Are those your answers?’

‘I… I…’

Buchanan stood up from his seat and approached the stand quickly. The face of the attorney was red, while Julio’s was white. Rafael felt someone grabbing his suit. It was Julie. He didn’t need to turn around to see the fear on her face. Her shaky whisper begged him to take her father out of that situation. He stood up from his seat, followed by Carisi.

‘Objection! Your honor! He’s intimidating the witness!’

‘Sustained, Mr. Buchanan!’

‘I get you Mr. Márquez; living with that story for so many years can be overwhelming. But, how much of that is true?’

‘What do you mean by that? All of it, obviously!’ Julio’s forehead started to become soaked with sweat.

‘You weren’t there when it originally happened, Mr. Márquez, and you were not there when it happened again, allegedly. How can you be so sure of your wife’s words?’

‘I know what I saw! She was attacked! Raped!’

‘That’s what she said!’

‘Why would she lie about that? A-and there were wounds, liquids, evidence of what that bastard did to her!’

‘Evidence that was never reported to the police nor backed up by lab tests. You were the one that told the story to the police, right? Why not your wife?’

‘She’s unconscious, for God’s sake!’

‘I get that Mr. Márquez! But according to Miss Márquez, and plenty of people that knew the story, you were always the one that told the story.’

‘Milagros still feels guilty of what happened to her. She has a hard time telling the story…’

‘Tell a lie a thousand times, and it will become true. Isn’t that why you held to that fantasy tale for so many years? Telling it repeatedly won’t make it true, Mr. Márquez.’

‘It isn’t a lie!’

‘Let’s face it Mr. Márquez! Your wife got pregnant with another man’s child, and you didn’t want to admit the truth! She fabricated a lie, and you believed it!’

‘No, she didn’t!’

‘Just admit it Mr. Márquez! Tell the jury how you and your wife created that stupid story about the rape to feel less bad that she wanted another man! And that sensation you’ve been feeling is pure guilt of saying lies!’

‘No!’

‘YOUR HONOR!’ Rafael’s voice roared.

‘Mr. Buchanan!’

‘And now you are trying to take advantage once again of my client by accusing him of something he didn’t do to match your story! You just don’t want to face reality! That you raised a kid that isn’t yours! That your wife cheated on you! That everyone is playing games with you! So you cooperate with this lie, to feel like a man for the first time!’

‘I… I…’

It all happened in slow motion. A sonorous groan left Julio’s mouth as he grabbed his chest. Everybody was on their feet, trying to see what was happening. The judge failing to put order on the court. Melinda and Rafael rushing to where Julio was. She didn’t know who called the ambulance. She didn’t know who was pulling her out of the room. She also didn’t know how she arrived at the hospital.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Five hours.

The second nightmare lasted five hours.

Julio was stable but not out of the woods yet. He was sleeping in his hospital bedroom. Room 213. Next door from Milagros.

Carisi’s phone call had just ended. Buchanan was reprimanded, and the trial was postponed to two days from now. Everyone knew it wasn’t enough time, but there wasn’t much choice. To the jury and the judge, it was just another case from the thousands that needed to go through the court.

A couple of weeks ago, just one person was watching helplessly at the woman who had just been admitted to the hospital. She was there again, with her sad eyes and poorly hidden tattoos. But this time, several people joined her; most looked like cops. All of them were pacing the room, waiting for updates, and at the same time, they avoided looking at the young woman, even though they were all there for her.

In their attempt to avoid those sad eyes, no one reacted in time as the woman began to run for the exit. Well, except for one person. She ran until she reached the street, desperately trying to stop a taxi. She failed. Then, she started running again. Her legs wanted to give up, but her mind had only one thing in mind.

She didn’t stop her pace when she reached the building steps ten minutes after a black van entered the parking load. She continued her race till she reached the room she was looking for: Morgue 3. She opened the door, ready to crawl into her safe space under the examination table.

Except that there was someone already there.

Chapter Text

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

-Victor Hugo.

How he got there and how he was able to enter the building are questions that Julie wasn’t particularly interested in knowing at the moment. Perhaps if her vision hadn’t been so clouded, she might have remembered that their car (because it was theirs) had the sticker that allowed the vehicle to enter the parking load. Also, that in the rush, she left her purse unattended, and she had her extra access key in there. But it didn’t matter. Somehow, she had finally reached the lighthouse. The one that shone a bright green light every day, hoping she could follow her. A light she tried to ignore because she felt it had lost all its significance. A light that was the only sign of life she knew from miles away. The light of her life.

The man was sitting cross-legged in a corner. He was wearing his signature suit, including the suspenders. His salt-pepper hair and beard still looked intact despite all the running from the day. It was a comic situation having one of the most influential attorneys in New York sitting on the floor of a morgue, looking as if he just stepped out of a wealthy event. But pushing aside the appearances, his eyes and his whole face reflected what he felt at that moment: pure and unconditional love. There was no smirk, sarcasm, or trace of the snarky personality for which he was known. With her, there was no need to wear a mask. Old poets might have said that the love he was feeling was pouring out of his eyes, trying to reach her. Because that’s all he could offer.

She was kneeling in the opposite corner. Somewhere along the road, she lost her suit jacket, and the white short-sleeved blouse seemed to have suffered the consequences, as it was wrinkled and disheveled. The soft waves of her hair had lost all sense of direction, and her back was hunched, probably defeated from all the times she had to stand up in the face of a battle she wanted to win on her own. Her crystalline eyes were a sign of what would happen next. With him, there was no need to wear a mask.

Julie slowly approached Rafael, her eyes never leaving his. When they were merely inches away from each other, she collapsed into his arms and started crying. The sensation of water running down her cheeks brought her back to life. It had been years since she had let herself cry properly, not the little sobs here and there. It was an addictive feeling of liberation. She cried for her mother, her father, everything that was going on, and Rafael… She cried for all the times she felt small, indefense, vulnerable, and had to show the world a bright smile. She cried for all those years she felt like her mother didn’t love her, to suddenly being aware that she was also a woman who had suffered enormously. She cried for all the times she felt like she wasn’t enough and that world was on her shoulders. She cried for all of those who had hurt her, and those who she had hurt as well. She cried for Kathy and the kids. She cried, cried, cried, cried, and kept crying.

Rafael’s shirt was becoming increasingly wet, but he didn’t care. His arms were surrounding her on a grip that not even the sharpest knife could ever tear apart. He also had tears running down his cheeks. Julie felt them on her hair, but he didn’t let her shift her position to see him. He kept holding her for what seemed like hours. He never pulled away, he didn’t look at her face, and most importantly, he didn’t try to kiss her. All he did was wrap her into his arms and hold her tight without an ounce of selfishness to it.

Because of the position they were in, the left side of their bodies were facing each other; only the fabric of their clothes separated them. Thanks to this, their hearts could hear each other again after months of not knowing each other. They took it as a sign to be like before, imitating each other's rhythm until their heartbeats were a mirror of each other. Until they were one and the same. But this did not last long, as the calm rhythm they had reached also symbolized that the storm was beginning to subside and they were both catching their breath.

Slowly, they separated, letting go of the embrace. Rafael placed his hand on her cheek, cleaning the remaining tears with his thumb. She did the same. He helped her up, his hand remaining in hers for the rest of the night. A soft whisper broke momentarily the silence, a petition.

‘Take me home, Raf.’

He placed a jacket on her shoulders. Not any jacket, her jacket. He always had her on hand from the day she left. They were on their way to the parking lot when another van appeared. Turns out, the marriage of a detective and an attorney-former-detective was a great pair to figure out the whereabouts of their friends. Amanda and Sonny got out of the car, holding Julie’s purse. When both couples were face to face, they all embraced. No word was exchanged; there was no need, and none of the four knew what to say. Actions speak louder than words. However, their silent agreement was broken by Amanda, when they were about to leave.

‘Hey, there is someone who wants to tell you something, if that’s okay with you.’

Julie held Rafael’s hand tighter, interlacing their fingers. Amanda turned to the van and opened the van’s back doors. Two little faces peeked out at the same time.

‘Auntie Julie!’ Jesse and Billie said at the same time. Julie approached them, a sincere smile appearing on her face. ‘We got something for you, because mommy said you were sad.’ The sisters pulled out small flowers from the little pockets of their jackets and handed them to Julie.

‘They are beautiful… thank you so much my loves.’

‘Are you going to be happy now?’ Jesse said.

‘This is certainly going to help. I love you both so much.’ Julie said, putting the flowers into her purse.

The girls waived goodbye as Amanda closed the door. Both women exchanged another hug, and the Carisi-Rollins family drove away. Rafael and Julie did the same.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

He didn’t bother to turn on the light, and she didn’t care. They both knew every corner and step too well. He guided her towards the bed, where she sat. Her gaze started wandering until she reached the mirror in front of her. She felt like crying again.

‘Can you… can you cover it?’

Rafael, who was taking her shoes off, turned to look at her. ‘Cover what?’

‘The mirror.’

‘Why? You love that mirror.’ He said sitting next to her, watching both of their reflections.

‘It’s just… I don’t want to see… that…’

‘I’m not understanding, Ju…’

‘The person in the mirror, what it’s supposed to be my reflection…’

‘Why you don’t want to look at yourself?’

‘Because it’s a stranger. Just look at her… I don’t recognize myself anymore. That’s just a person… a person who lost everything.’

Rafael took a look into the mirror image again. He didn’t understand. He was looking at himself and at the most beautiful woman that ever walked on the planet. He was about to complain when Julie started talking again.

‘First, it was my job, my reputation... Then Kathy, her kids, Elliot…Then… it was you… Then this house, this… dream… Then, my mom, and now my dad… our dignity, our history… And in all that, I started losing myself… I don’t play the guitar anymore, I don’t do yoga, I don’t involve with the community, I cut my hair, I hid everything that made me, and I don’t recognize who the hell is in that mirror Rafael, I don’t…’ Tears starting to fall again from her eyes. She couldn't help but stare at that woman in front of her, a ghost of the happy and lively person she once was.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t notice when Rafael left the room. She only felt a wet towel against her skin. Carefully, Rafael began cleaning all the make-up, slowly revealing her tattoos: the dreamcatcher, the stars and constellations, the butterflies, the daisies, the forget-me-nots, and the lavenders, the cempasuchil flower behind her neck… Gently pulling out her pants, he continued his action with the ones on her legs. Then he left the room and came back with her purse, taking out a small box.

He carefully placed her nose ring, and the three colored rings that decorated her right ear: purple, blue and green, in that order. Julie didn’t know, but those were the lights that guided him home all those years ago. His own lights on the deck. There was another piece of jewelry in the box, but he decided not to take it out. An engagement ring.

He wasn’t done yet. Julie saw as he scanned through the contents of her purse until he finally found what he was looking for: water markers. He opened the box and took her arm. The cold sensation of the markers on her skin made her shiver. She followed his hand as he carefully colored each tattoo. When he was done, he put away all his tools and sat next to her. Both looking again at their reflection.

‘Look there, that’s Julie. Minus the blue hair and dreadlocks, but that can be fixed. Right there is the strongest woman I’ve ever met. A kind soul, a personification of sunlight to those who know her. I want you to look at her and realize that… that it’s you Julie, and has always been you. I don’t know how you do it, but your shine never faded, not even in that courtroom. What you have in your heart and mind goes beyond what anyone can imagine.’

Rafael moved closer to her, taking her hand. ‘Your light is not diminished by anything that happened to you, or is happening to you. And you can count on all of us that love you, that we will keep it alive. You don’t have to be the one last standing all the time. We're all going to take care of that light when you feel like you can’t do that yourself, and… we’ll shine brighter together.’

‘I don’t understand how… you haven’t given up on me.’

‘Ay Julie…’ Rafael said, tucking a hair behind her ear. ‘Tu nunca me perdiste (you never lost me).’

Chapter Text

Rafael did not sleep with her that night. As much as he wanted to, he knew that they were not ready for that. The romantic aspect had suddenly become secondary to everything that was happening. Despite the longing to feel her in her arms, he decided to rebuild the lost confidence block by block, not rushing things and providing her with all the love he could pour from his heart differently. So he let her rest.

It was strange sleeping again on a bed. It was even stranger sleeping on the bed that you and your back-then partner chose together. And perhaps, the strangest thing was constantly smelling the essence of the person that spent all those nights by your side and not finding them in the morning. Or at least that was Julie’s first thought when she woke up. She remained in bed for a few minutes before deciding to get up; adjusting to reality is always challenging, and even more so when that reality is more like a nightmare.

Much to her surprise, everything was intact from when she left: her remaining clothes in the closet and drawers, her beauty products, her designated towel hanger… even the empty spaces of the things she managed to take were still there as if they were waiting for their original objects to return to their place. She also was left speechless when she reached the living room, as all the plants were there and greener than ever. Rafael Barba, who managed to kill dozens of cacti and succulents throughout his life, kept them alive. A botany book was on the bookshelf, with several post-its sticking out of its pages.

‘Hey, you are up. I didn’t want to wake you... did you sleep well?’ A sporty-dressed Rafael appeared at the door.

‘Yeah, I did, thanks…’

‘I’m glad.’

They looked at each other for a moment. The last time they were in that living room, there were screams, tears, pain… The house was full of those gut-wrenching memories, but strangely enough, with those two standing there, the sensation of “home” was starting to gain strength again. It was like a puzzle, where all the pieces were there, slowly aligning to their original position, but a greater force prevented them from joining. That greater force has a name: fear. In psychology, there are only three options when facing something bigger than us: fight, flight, and freeze. Currently, Julieta Márquez and Rafael Barba are in the third mode.

‘Have you had breakfast?’ Julie asked.

‘Not really.’

‘Sit down, I’ll fix us something quick.’

The familiarity was hitting them hard. They were sitting on their respective chairs. There was no conflict of not knowing where the pans were (Gil teased Julie around the Amaro house because she could never find anything on her first try). He cleaned the dishes, and she dried them. That day, when they knew it was over, both realized it was just a matter of time for them to talk again: they needed to decide who would keep the car, the house, and the multiple things they bought or signed together. Back then, they thought their names would never have to be written separately again because they would be simply the Barba’s.

With everything happening, that subject became a long second, and their main focus was the trial. But now, with both standing there cleaning the dishware they bought together, that scenario seemed closer than ever. The sound of the telephone forced Julie to stop thinking about their painful future.

‘Raf?’

‘Yes?’

‘My mom is awake.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Lucía was there when it happened. She had been visiting both of her friends periodically, praying for a miracle. And a miracle happened. Well, two miracles. She would be lying if she said she didn't feel a warm sensation in her chest when she saw her son arrive with Julie, his hand placed gently on her back.

She had always hoped that her son would find someone to love, man or woman; at that point, it didn’t matter anymore. When Julie arrived, everything was sunshine and rainbows; she would walk her son down the aisle and get her dream daughter in the process. Their breakup was extremely hard for both families, and despite the five of them somehow managing to remain in each other’s lives, it wasn’t the same. She remembered the heart-breaking sensation of seeing her son cry in front of her; that was true love, after all.

Her mother instinct never failed her: Lucía knew something was still there, a flame that Rafael and Julie were trying to extinguish but failed miserably. They still loved each other, she was entirely sure. But it wasn’t the time nor the place, and Lucía wondered if there would ever be another opportunity to show them that the heart never lies. She was afraid it would be too late when the stars aligned again.

Julie hugged Lucía and quickly entered the room; Rafael waited with his mother outside. Multiple machines still surrounded Milagros, and she still looked fragile, but she was awake. Alive and awake. The woman on the bed weakly extended her arms, and Julie practically ran to her embrace. With extreme care, she managed to lay beside her mother, their arms never leaving each other.

In the past, every time that Krantz reappeared in their lives, Milagros and Julieta would go through a non-talking phase where her open wounds and pain would lure them into thinking that everything wrong in their lives was Julie’s fault. But this time, it was different. Maybe it was because, this time, something was happening, and the case had finally reached the court. Maybe it was because they were both older and wiser, and that they realized that it was neither one's fault. Maybe it was because, after being so close to kissing death goodbye, they knew it was absurd to be alive to fight again.

‘I thought I’d lost you.’

‘But I’m here, mi amor, you know we never truly leave the people we love.’

‘Do you… do you know what happened?’

‘Yes, Lucía updated me before you arrived. I know that your dad is in the other room.’

‘You always find a way of being together.’ Both women laughed faintly.

‘How you’ve been?’

‘Ay mamá, no importa, ahora estoy bien contigo (it doesn’t matter, now I’m okay with you).’

‘Julieta… you practically had to face all of this alone; of course, I want to know how you are feeling if you are eating and resting well… I’m your mother; I’ll always look after you.’

Julie placed a soft kiss on her mom’s hand. ‘Everyone has been really helpful; our neighbors are helping keep the apartment clean, and there is a group that prays every day for both of you… And I… I’m fine. I’ve got Lucía, Amanda, Nick, Joe, Rafa-‘

‘Oh yes, Lucía told me he is handling the case.’

‘Yes… he is taking care of everything.’

Both women remained silent for a moment, enjoying the presence of each other. Julie didn’t want to let go. She suddenly was a kid again, afraid of the dark and crawling into her parent’s bed, looking for the warm embrace that reassured her that everything would be alright.

‘Mom?’

‘Yes?’

‘I’m scared. What if this doesn’t change anything? What if they find him non-guilty and walks free? We would have to move; he will never leave us alone.’

‘If he is set free, then we will have to face reality as it comes. When that happened, and after you were born, I realized I had two options: to bow down to fear and live my life afraid to meet him at every corner or to face my reality and fight to regain my dignity. I chose the latter, and although it was hard and I made many mistakes along the way, mistakes that hurt you, I’m here. And I won’t give up my life because of him.’

‘I wish I were as strong as you.’

‘Oh my love, you don’t realize how extraordinary you are and how proud I am to be your mom.’

Julie let go of some tears. Milagros cleaned them with her hand. This time, it was different. They were stronger than ever.

‘Julie? Can you ask Rafael to come in?’

Julie briefly left the room, returning with Rafael by her side. Milagros signaled him to get closer to her while Julie returned to her position in the bed. Her brain took a picture of that moment, when she had both of her children on each side of her.

‘I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done.’ Milagros said, grabbing one of Rafael’s hands.

‘You don’t have to thank me, I’m happy to help.’ Rafael said, kneeling next to the bed.

‘I want you to know that, no matter what happens out there, I’m proud of you Rafael, and I’ll be grateful for the rest of my life for the day that you arrived in our lives.’ With her free hand, Milagros approached Rafael's face and made the sign of the cross, blessing the lawyer; a gesture that in Latin families went beyond a religious gesture: it symbolized the love that one has for a person, and that one wishes with all one's heart that his or her path be blessed.

None of them wanted to let go of that moment, but a message from Carisi, indicating that he needed to go to the office to review some aspects of the trial, forced Rafael to stand up. Julie also stood up to accompany him to the exit, as she decided to stay with her mom a little longer and visit her father.

‘It is true, you know? You really have been a blessing ever since you came into our lives.’ Julie said while they were waiting for the elevator.

‘I’d say the same about you.’ Both remained silent, unable to see each other to the face. ‘I know that, as an attorney, I shouldn’t make promises to my clients. But I want to win, Julie.’

‘You are doing more than enough…’

‘You don’t understand, I will win. This will be over soon.’ Rafael said as the elevator doors finally opened. ‘I’ll see you in court?’

‘Yeah… I’ll be there. And Raf?’

With a fast movement, Julie threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. He had little time to react, but he managed to let go of his suitcase and hug her back. It was an embrace filled with gratefulness and perhaps love… although we will never know because closing doors cut the hug too short.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

It was the last day of the trial. Rafael had already two cups of coffee and was going for the third one. Unlike at the beginning of the trial, he wasn’t feeling nervous; he was ready to fight. He and Carisi spent countless hours perfecting the closing argument, as well as the strategy they would use for the remaining cross-examination: it was Krantz's turn to testify.

He adjusted his suspenders and buttoned his suit. He felt like Rocky Balboa was about to enter the ring. He needed to win. He wanted to win. For Milagros, Julio, the Latino community, and Julie. His heart was beating so fast that he probably should’ve fainted, but not this time. As he entered the courtroom, he saw everyone was there, even some faces he didn’t expect to see… except for Julie. He wondered where she was. They had arrived together, but Carisi had pulled him aside to double-check the final details, and he had lost sight of her. A part of him wanted to turn around and look for her, but he had no time left. Repeating to himself that she would eventually show up, he approached his table, ready to give the defense a taste of the power of Rafael Barba.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Don’t get her wrong, she wanted to be there for the final part of the trial, but she was still scared. She was in the bathroom, hiding in a stall, trying to keep it together. There wasn’t a table available and she really tried hard to find one; a stall was the second-best option. The sound of some steps made her aware that she was still in a public place and would have to come out eventually. Flushing the toilet to pretend that she was doing what you usually do in the bathroom, she stepped out, trying to avoid the person who had just entered the room. But, to her misfortune, that person was also at the sink, and that person happened to be Olivia Benson.

They didn’t have a further interaction after that night. Whenever she wanted to know any updates, she went straight to Amanda’s desk, avoiding even looking at the Captain’s office. She knew that she was still working on the case, despite not being in charge, and that she had been to every day of the trial. She was also there when her father went to the hospital. It was so strange. It seemed like their last fight happened ages ago. It didn’t hurt less, but her presence no longer ignites fury in her.

Olivia was also not okay. She went to the bathroom to try to remember how to breathe again. It was a strange situation for her: on the one hand, she was at peace, knowing that a case that hit too close to home was coming to a close, and that the victim, this time, had two competent attorneys and the entire SVU squad fighting by her side. On the other, she couldn’t help but think about her own story and how different her and her mother’s life would’ve been if she had gotten the same help as Milagros.

It was useless to hate either Milagros or Julie. Still, she had to confess that when she returned to her home after hearing Julie’s story, she broke down in tears, furious at the young woman because even though they were both children of rape, somehow she managed to live surrounded by love from both of her parents. In contrast, Olivia had to live with an alcoholic mother who hated her.

When she noticed Julie coming out of the bathroom, she quickly washed her hands to be ready to leave until her voice stopped her.

‘Don’t rush it, I can wait.’

‘Yes, sorry, I was thinking of something else.’ Olivia focused on her hands and the cold water when Julie’s voice again brought her to reality.

‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Oh… yes, of course.’

‘How did you find that Showalter was also behind my firing?’

‘Umm it was a casualty, actually. You didn’t know, but Fin and I happened to be there… to pick up some results when your firing occurred. The place was a mess, and Melinda threw us the documents before storming in again, where I suppose everything was happening. Later that day, I came back to see if everything was alright, and I saw him leaving the building. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but then I recognized him for his political career, and it seemed odd that he was in a place like that. When he testified, Amanda and I had to find information about him, and I remembered that event… and we eventually found the connection.’

‘Huh, well, lucky me that you were in the right place at the right time. Sonny told me that that argument seemingly destroyed his credibility in front of the jury.

‘Yeah, just doing my job.’

It was Julie’s turn to wash her hands. Olivia stood there, not knowing if Julie was done talking. It was so ridiculous that she, the Captain of the Special Victim’s Unit, was so nervous to talk to her. Setting aside all her feelings towards the case, Liv knew that she had wronged Julie many times, and she felt incredibly guilty about it. Noah continuously asked about her; Amanda, Nick, and, Velasco were all on her side; Elliot and his kids, despite the hate they still felt towards Barba, seemed a little sad whenever she appeared in a conversation; they didn’t want to admit that they missed her dearly; and then there was Rafael. She knew that all the chances to get her friend back were lost the moment she interfered in their relationship. Of course she was aware that the guilt was shared between her, Elliot and Rafael, but a part of her deeply regretted all the actions she did out of pure spite.

‘Captain Benson?’

‘Sorry, I wasn’t listening.’

‘When did you first learn?’

‘What?’

‘I saw the look on your face when you heard my story. When I went to therapy the first time because of that, my psychologist referred me to a support group with people who were like us. They all had the same look as you.’

‘I was thirteen… she lashed out to me while she was drunk. She blamed me until the day she died.’

‘It’s funny how a part of you constantly tells you that it wasn’t your fault, but another one says that maybe your mother would’ve lived a better life if you weren’t around.’

‘But you and your mother have a great relationship; that also helps.’

‘It wasn’t like that all the time. My mother hated me, and barely took care of me. When I left for college, our relationship started to heal a little bit. We’ve been fine with each other for like eight years.’

‘Well, look at that, we all ended up happily ever after. Well, excuse me.’ Olivia didn’t know where that came from. She was overwhelmed with everything, and knowing more similarities between her and Julie made her sick to her stomach. She didn’t want to know how Julie managed to get her life together, be successful at her work, have a family and friends who adored her, and even find true love. She didn’t want to realize how never really getting over it marked her life forever. She didn’t want to be in front of her what if. And Julie knew that.

‘Look, I won’t pretend I’m Mother Theresa and forget everything that happened between us; I’m still mad, I don’t want us to be friends, and I do tend to hold a grudge. But I know one thing about you, everyone worships you like you’re some kind of saint, but all I see is someone who pretends she has it all together. Someone who’s supposed to be strong for others but won’t face her demons.’

‘I’m not pretending to be anything. I do my job the best I can.’

‘Maybe you believe that. But I see something else. You and I—we’re not so different. Children of something ugly, something that makes us question every day if we even belong in this world. But here’s the thing: it's not your fault. None of it is. And you can keep pretending it doesn’t affect you, keep focusing on other people’s problems, but it won’t change the truth.’

‘You think I don’t know that?’

‘Maybe. But knowing and accepting are two different things. You can keep ignoring that feeling, bury it deep—sure. But eventually, it'll consume you. And worse, it'll spill over onto everyone around you. Do everyone a favor and work on whatever your heart needs first. Be selfish. Do whatever you need to do. Believe me when I say I know what happens when you realize that too late. You are incredible, Olivia Benson, for what you are, don’t let that take away everything that you’ve created.’

A knock on the door interrupted the speech that was making Olivia shake. Rita Calhoun, of all people, appeared at the door.

‘I thought I’d find you in here, and…’ she said now, looking at Benson ‘Well, you are here too. The jury is deliberating; it is a matter of time now.’

Chapter Text

On one of their trips to Switzerland, Julie and Rafael went to a “Hispanic night” at one of the resort’s thematic restaurants; despite falling into some stereotypes, the food and drinks were fine, but the real star of the night was the music: salsa, cumbia, chachachá, mambo, bachata, danzón… many beautiful and different styles made the entire restaurant vibrate, and of course, the couple never left the dance floor.

In their mandatory pause for refreshments, Rafael found himself sitting on a stool right in front of Julie and the musicians, particularly, the percussion section. The concentric circles forming in his scotch due to the vibrations made him look attentively at the variety of drums and several other instruments he couldn’t properly name. It was amazing how the human being was able to create an instrument able to replicate the beating of the heart in the many stages of life: sometimes, the sound was vivid and clear, like a child; sometimes, it was slow, bass, like an old man; sometimes, it was desperate, like when you are running away from someone or something; and, in some cases, it emulated the beating of a heart in love.

As ridiculous as it could sound, he was almost sure (perhaps it was the alcohol) that the percussionist in front of him was sensing Rafael’s heartbeat, and was reproducing it on his instrument. And what was the rhythm of his heart, you might ask? The unmistakable beat of the danzón. Yes, it was in part thanks to his Cuban heritage, but also, thanks to the woman sitting in front of him. He liked to think of danzón as a metaphor for love: each person has a role, moving with intent yet leaving space for spontaneity. You both rely on trust; if one person moves without considering the other, the dance can stumble. There’s a lead and a response, but not in a way that limits one partner—it’s about co-creating a pattern, a shared language. The music guides you, like life’s joys and challenges, and the steps change, sometimes quick, sometimes slow. You’re close but with enough distance to let each person shine independently. Missteps happen, but you learn to adjust, synchronize, and keep moving, making the dance even richer with each turn. He used to think, he would never dance again. But with Julie, he felt like he could dance danzón with her for the rest of their lives.

Holding to that memory, Rafael breathed again. He hated those awful seconds when the officer of the court walked to the president of the jury to hand them the written verdict. It was a fraction of a minute, but it felt like going in slow motion. His heart was not playing a danzón, it was more like a military drum this time, and he was sure the rhythm was about to change, but he didn’t know what.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Julie was pretty sure that she was about to break Rita’s hand. They were sitting at the back of the room, holding hands, or rather Julie squeezing Calhoun's letting all her anxiety and nervousness flow through her friend. Her therapist recommended she evoke a happy memory to let her mind rest from everything that was going on, so she decided to go there.

It was unbelievably difficult. The only image projected in her mind was both of her parents in hospital beds fighting for their lives. Feeling in her chest the sensation of drowning threatening to reappear, she tried to focus on something in the room. Or rather, someone. A blonde head caught her attention, and she finally managed to crack a smile remembering Amanda and Jesse at the park, trying on new roller skates. She also touched slightly the little flowers that she arranged in her suit pocket.

She then saw Melinda and Nick, and the memories of them drinking coffee after work and the three of them presenting their work in a symposium calmed her agitating breathing. Her smile grew wider as she recalled Joe in her apartment, trying to fix her broken bookcase. She almost let a small laugh when she remembered the time, she and the woman next to her met in Switzerland and bullied Rafael all night long.

And then, she saw Rafael.

Dr. Summers warned her to avoid memories regarding him, as it could be counterproductive. But her eyes were already filled with nostalgic tears as she remembered the dances, the cooking, the music, the road trips, the house… After being so close to losing her parents forever, Julie realized that it was useless to remain angry with him. Plenty of her happiest memories involved him, and despite everything indicating that there was almost no chance of going back together, she wanted to keep him in her life. He’s always been an amazing friend, after all. He fought this fight by his own will, and she was so proud of the man he transformed himself into: happier, healthier, and at peace with himself. She would consider herself so lucky if he accepted to get to know her again.

Because she was a new person. Being vulnerable didn’t sound as scary as she used to think. She was prioritizing what was important and for real this time. She didn’t have to be a superhero or the person everyone relied on to be loved. She just had to be Julie. Of course, there were many things she still needed to work on and many closures she needed to have (she specifically saw the bald man standing quietly in the corner of the room while thinking this), but for the first time in so long, she was in peace with herself.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t process the guttural-sounding word that left the president of the jury’s mouth. Or all the eyes that turned to look at her simultaneously.

Guilty on all charges.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

He didn’t know the exact name of the rhythm that his heart was following, but he knew it was a celebratory one. Like dance music, with the unmatched warm sensation that only Latin music was able to transmit. Except it wasn’t only his heart resonating in his ears. There was actual music playing outside the court. Dozens of families from Washington Heights were there celebrating.

His eyes scanned the multitude. He quickly found Amaro’s wife, who probably was the one who gave everyone the news. He also found his mother, her eyes filled with joyful tears. Rafael knew that big crowds often made Julie anxious (as well as him) but she was nowhere to be found. Much to his surprise, the same crowd that he was trying to avoid, was dragging him to them as soon as they saw him. For the first time in his life, people from his same background, who spoke his first language, were congratulating him, saying how proud they were, and thanking him. He was way too stunned to answer; this has never happened. He wondered if he was dreaming.

When the multitude dispersed, he found Dominick and Amanda talking in front of the squad’s car. A big hug was exchanged between the attorneys. He never imagined working side by side with the annoying Officer-Fordham-Law student, but he had nothing but gratefulness towards him, and Rollins as well.

‘Well done Dominick.’

‘Thanks counsellor. You too, although you don’t need me to say that.’

‘He still has a big ego problem Carisi, don’t push it.’ Amanda warned.

‘Believe it or not, I’m working on that.’ Rafael smirked.

‘I assume you are coming to the dinner tomorrow.’

‘What dinner?’

‘Oh, Cynthia is saying that they are organizing a celebration at Julie’s neighbourhood for the outcome of the trial and also because Mr. and Mrs. Márquez are scheduled to go home tomorrow. They invited the whole squad.’

‘That’s nice. They have nice parties there. I’m not sure, I have something to do first.’

‘Well, if you change your mind we’ll be there.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

It was unreal to be at her parent’s apartment again. It was unreal to watch her father rushing through the newspapers completing his beloved crosswords that he wasn’t able to do while in the hospital. It was unreal to watch her mother giving directions and supervising the people working in her kitchen, despite the doctors telling her she needed to be calm and preferably on bed rest—she needed to make sure the mole and the tostadas were done correctly.

It was as if nothing had happened. And at the same time, everything had happened. There was a sensation of intrigue and uncertainty in the air. But there was also hope, love, and faith for the future. They were slowly coming back to life. A life they would make sure to live to the fullest.

Through the window, she could see the colors of her barrio. All her neighbors were there, as well as other friends, and people from different parts of New York. The music was already playing, and the tables and chairs were placed in all the available space. From early on, the smell of different dishes filled the air. It was going to be a big celebration of life and hope. Some people say that Latinos (Mexicans in particular), love to party and get drunk at every opportunity. But the reality is that life was so stupidly short and filled with struggles and pain, that the only way to endure the adversity is to laugh in its face and keep fighting. The Mexican poet, Jaime Sabines, said it perfectly:

“Someone spoke to me every day of my life

in my ear, gently, slowly.

They said to me: live, live, live!

It was death.”

The first ones to arrive were the Amaro family, followed by Joe and that Muncy girl, whom Julie suspected Joe was completely smitten with. Rita and Lucia were there next. Later in the evening, Melinda arrived, followed by Amanda, Carisi, and the girls. And lastly, Julie couldn’t believe her eyes: Olivia, Fin, and Noah were there, looking very out of place. They were about to sit at the table with Rollins and the rest of the squad, when Noah ran through the dance floor (where several couples were already dancing, including Nick and Cynthia) to the other corner of the patio, his arms quickly surrounding Julie once he reached her.

‘Julie!’

‘Oh my God little man! Long-time not seeing you! You are so tall!’

‘You are lying.’ Noah laughed.

‘Thanks for coming, I really mean it.’

‘My mom wasn’t sure she was going to come, but uncle Fin and I insisted. I really wanted to see you, I’ve missed you so much.’

‘Me too little man, me too. How’s life?’

‘Better, I think.’

‘That’s what it is about, you know?’

At the distance, Julie could see Nick making some signals that meant he wanted to talk to her. With a small gesture, she handed Noah a plate of food, sending him back to his table, and exchanging a nod with Benson.

‘I can’t believe Olivia is here and you are not trying to murder her.’

‘I’m getting too old to hate people; you know? Let’s just say that we both waived the white flag for now.’

‘Uy si, muy vieja (oh yeah, too old)’ Nick teased her. ‘Hey, I don’t see certain someone in here. Someone who should be there in the middle of the dance circle.’ Nick pointed out to a group of people who dragged Carisi to the dance floor, much to Amanda’s amusement.

‘He had some things to do. Plus, he still feels like he doesn’t belong here.’

‘You let him know that now all abuelitas are telling their grandchildren to look up to him.’

Julie smiled. A well-known song started to play and Nick offered his hand, taking his friend to the dance floor. For someone who used to do that every week, Julie started struggling a little bit, being out of habit. But slowly, the rhythm returned to her feet, and she felt herself swaying away through the music.

‘I wanted to ask you, if you are comfortable to tell me, what have you been thinking about all the Barba situation?’

‘The Barba situation?’

‘Yeah, I mean you two. You are living together again…’

‘Well… First, it’s also my house, anyway. And about that… I still don’t know. I feel like we are different people now.’

‘He loves you, you know? And you love him.’

‘I know, but… Sometimes it isn’t just that. It is hard to explain.’

‘Well, whatever you decide, you know that Cynthia and I, we’ll always have your back. I suppose… I’ll have to toss out the best man speech I still have in my drawer. It was great, sucks for you.’

Julie laughed. ‘Thanks, Nick. For everything.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Despite being in constant awareness of the damaging stuff he had done to his body and mental health through the years, and also trying to amend those things in therapy, the one thing that his doctor was still not able to do was to stop him from staying up working late. Don’t get him wrong, he wasn’t pulling all-nighters or going to bed at 1 AM every day. Just on special occasions.

He reached for his mug filled with the most caffeinated beverage he could find, only to realize that the content was gone already. Rubbing his eyes, he stood up ready to go to the kitchen and fill it again, when he heard the door of his office open.

‘I thought you were going to stay with your parents tonight.’

‘Melinda helped me find a 24-hour nurse and she will stay with them. There was no reason for me to stay and I needed to rest. Here you go.’ Julie said handing him another cup of warm coffee.

‘I see… did you have fun at the party?’

‘Yes, I actually did. Although I was having more fun watching those SVU detectives trying to dance salsa. There’s not a single ounce of rhythm in those bodies.’

‘Maybe you should teach them.’ Rafael said between laughs.

‘Oh believe me, I will. How are you doing?’

‘I’m fine, I guess. This material is a lot to process, but I’m enjoying studying it.’

Julie saw the dozens of books installed on Rafael’s desk. Some other papers with who-knows-what information laying around. The blackboard that she lent him, was full of annotations. The colorful index cards were everywhere.

‘You should rest. Here, I’ll prepare you something to eat.’

While he ate, she stared at the glass of water in front of her. They both wanted to say something but it was difficult to do other thing than small talk. After the trial, they weren’t able to see each other: Julie and Rita rushed to the hospital to deliver the good news to her parents and she forgot to charge her phone. Also that night she spent it helping set up her parent’s apartment so that everything would be ready for their arrival.

In a way, that helped her clear her thoughts on what would happen next. The trial was finally over, Krantz was in jail and she and her parents were finally able to move on. And that meant with everything. He was about to stand up to clean the table when she rapidly caught his hand in hers. It was now or never.

‘I’ve said it before, but I think I will forever let you know how grateful I am with you for everything. You didn’t need to do all of this, and yet you did. You helped me and my parents to get our lives back and never in a million years will I ever have enough thank you’s for you.’

‘With one is more than enough, thank you for letting me help.’ He smiled, interlacing his fingers with hers.

‘I know it is not something you want to hear right now but, what are we going to do with… all of this?’

Rafael’s smile dropped, but he didn’t pull away his hand. Instead, he looked at her straight into the eye. ‘Julie, I want to make sure you don’t think that you owe me something in return for all of this. I did it because I wanted to, and believe me, I got back more than I was expecting. I didn’t do it because I wanted to get back together or to make you love me. Don’t feel forced to make that decision just because of that.’

‘I think I’ll always love you, Raf. A part of me, I mean.’

‘And a part of me will always love you, Ju. Always.’

They didn’t know when or how they got closer. Still holding hands, with their foreheads resting on each other’s. Their eyes full of tears.

‘I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. Or in five months. Or in five years. But all I know is that I don’t want us to become strangers, Raf. You… you are a part of me, of my life, and I feel so proud of everything you have accomplished these months and, I would be so honoured to celebrate all of those things, big and small with you… if you let me.’

Rafael gave her a small and sweet kiss on her forehead. ‘I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. Or in five months. Or in five years. But all I know is that you are the best adventure I’ve ever had in my life, and I would love for you to be in the following ones in any way you like. We’ll always have each other, Ju.’

‘Always.’

Chapter Text

'Well, that went well, I guess.'

He stared at the courthouse for a couple of minutes. The snow season was starting in New York City, making the picture even more fascinating than it usually was. He remembered the last time he stood staring at the building, ironically enough, with the same brown coat. It seemed like a million years ago, and there he was again. Single and awaiting a decision that may change his career forever. He never thought one day he would be applying to become a judge. However, after extensive discussions with his therapist, he decided that he wanted to start looking after himself, his ambitions, and his personal growth, and the first step was to get the courage to try at least. He kissed the metal chain around his neck, the one that his abuelita Catalina gave him when he passed the bar. She used to call him "el juez" (the judge). Maybe it was time to make that dream come true.

He wasn't sure if he would even make it through the first filter. They had extensive background checks, and well, even though he received a non-guilty verdict, he wondered if it would be enough. But the first thing they told him at the interview that morning was that they had never received that many recommendation letters from several eminences in the Law Department. His teachers, colleagues, and even Jack McCoy all had nothing but praise for Mr. Barba.

It also helped that he spent countless nights preparing for the interview, studying different cases that he worked on, and several others that he had to know by heart. He knew that he had given everything that was on his hands and that the rest, well, it didn't depend on him. He was about to leave when he heard her call his name.

'Hello, Rafa.'

And there it was. The pain that always appeared on his chest whenever he had to face Olivia Benson. She was standing a couple of feet away from him, neither going for a hug nor a handshake. Even the shortened version of his name felt weird coming out of her mouth. He had so many mixed emotions regarding their strained (almost non-existent) friendship, and he was using all the resources he learned in therapy to face the situation.

'Hi, Liv. How are you doing?'

'I'm good, thanks. Do you have a case going on?'

'Oh no, I'm here running some errands.'

'I see...'

The silence was uncomfortable. He wasn't sure if they should be having this conversation. The last time they were both in front of the courthouse, he told her that she had opened his heart, bringing a wide range of colors into his life. That remained true. He couldn't deny that Olivia Benson had a massive impact on the man he was today and that all those years working together were kept in a special part of his heart. But that day, he also said his first lie: that he had to move on. To no one surprise, he didn't. He was constantly orbiting towards her, like a distant planet. Except she couldn't be his sun.

The Earth was a miraculous coincidence in the Universe: it had the perfect atmosphere to bear life and the ideal distance so that the sun would allow it to function. A couple of miles shorter, the Sun would burn anything that dared to come too close. And also, if the planet were too far away, the Sun wouldn't even notice their presence, leaving them to wander around.

When he left the D.A.'s Office, he thought he was her Earth, moving in perfect harmony. But as time passed, he realized that his orbit was not as close as he thought and that the connection was starting to disappear. He tried really hard to go back, but his orbit was already occupied, and his actions only got him to the danger zone, leaving him burnt and alone.

'Rafael?'

'Sorry, you were saying?'

'I said I was surprised you didn't go to the Márquez's party.'

'I had some other things to do; I was surprised that you went, actually.'

'I'm... trying to make things right. I owe Julieta, her parents, and even you an apology for my past actions.'

'Yeah, well, that's not something you can let go of that easily.'

'Rafa...'

'Don't do that, it's not going to work.'

'I am admitting that I was wrong. Don't push it.'

'You know, for the longest part, I was... waiting.' Rafael paused. 'Waiting for a second chance to rekindle our friendship, our... connection. Maybe one day you would see the whole Wheatley situation from my point of view and maybe you would understand why things needed to be this way. But I got tired, Liv. I got tired of waiting, of meaning so little for you, of letting you break me over and over again.'

He felt his voice breaking, but he didn't care. He wasn't afraid of showing his emotions anymore.

'I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting by the phone. I choose me, Liv. I'm sorry how this all turned out, but I made my choice. I'm not going back. For the love I still have for Noah, I won't be closing the door entirely, but for the rest... I just wish you happiness. You deserve it.'

'It was a lovely ride. We had a good time.'

'We really did.'

'Goodbye Rafa, take care.'

'Goodbye, Liv.'

With a final handshake, they both parted ways.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

She was thrilled to go back to work. She really was. But she couldn't push away the uneasy feeling forming in her stomach at the implications of being at the Organized Crime Division. She hugged Sgt. Bell and she did her special handshake with Jet. Luckily enough for her, they were the only people in the building and the only detectives she would have to work with for the following weeks.

The case was complex, and she would use a new device that her research team had helped develop. It was exciting yet, at the same time, scary. The position of Chief Medical Examiner was now open for applications (Melinda was ready to step down for good this time), and she was determined to go for it. So, she was being extra careful at all her jobs so that her work would speak for itself. At the end of the day, she had already been told no once. Another one might not be that hurtful, she guessed. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't notice the man who sat next to her at her lunch break.

'Márquez.'

She almost dropped her sandwich at the sound of the voice. Since their discussion at the park, her skin crawled every time she had to listen to Elliot Stabler's voice. She remembered those cruel eyes and the severe tone that made her distance herself from the only people who loved Kathy as much as she did. She had almost given up on the idea of seeing them again.

'Detective Stabler.'

'It's been a while.'

'Yes.'

But as much as she didn't want to admit it, that wasn't the last time she saw Elliot. He was there when she told her story to the SVU detectives and during the trial. She didn't know why—he never approached her or anything. She had mixed emotions about it: she was grateful for the support, but she also couldn't stop thinking of all the accusations he made about her and how much that contributed to the downfall of several of her relationships, in particular, Rafael.

'Why were you on the trial?' Julie suddenly asked.

'I... I don't know.'

'If it was to keep tormenting me, well, you had a bigger rival.' Julie knew it was a mistake to use sarcasm with him. But she was still learning to process all those feelings; if it wasn't evident, she wasn't very good yet.

'Actually, I think I do know.' Elliot didn't sound as angry as she expected, which scared her.

'Well then.'

'Kathy would have been there. To make sure you weren't alone... turns out you have a bigger net of support than I imagined.'

At the mention of her friend, her anger completely shifted to sadness. She had finally been able to grieve her and cry for her not that long ago, and she wanted nothing more than to have closure with her family.

'Yeah, she would... I miss her so much.'

Cue the tears. Elliot was a little taken aback by the picture. He had that image of Julie being strong, a rock he and his children held to when times were rough. But he understood. After everything that poor woman had lived, it would have been worrying if she remained tearless. He slowly reached for her hand, but a mysterious force made him hug her. Now Julie was the one surprised. She returned the hug shyly and separated quickly.

'Sorry, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.'

'I'm fine, thanks... I needed that. Julie half-smiled.

'I'm... I'm so sorry Márquez, for everything. I really am. I was blinded by pain, shocked at the news of your relationship with Barba, which, by the way I'm sorry for ruining. You didn't deserve how I treated you; all you ever did was be good to us, a friend to Kathy, and a real one.' Elliot took a deep breath.

'And I will understand if you decide to never talk to me or the kids ever again; you have every right to do so. We all deeply regret what happened, and I... I just wanted to tell you that you'll always be special to us. I'm really grateful for everything you did for my kids and for me, and I'm so sorry again. That's all.'

Elliot turned around and started to walk away. Julie froze on her site. She wondered what happened to the real Elliot Stabler. It took her a couple of weeks after the day he and Olivia searched all her living places to accept that she would never talk to that family again and that she would have to find peace in herself. And now, she was presented with the opportunity to close that chapter forever and finish the book, or... She ran back to the building. It was getting cold outside, and her lunch break had ended 15 minutes ago.

By the end of the day, she, Bell, and Jet had figured out a strategy for the evidence they had collected, and Julie had made the first draft of the protocol. She decided to call it a day and finish it the following day. As she made her way to the elevator, Stabler appeared through the door. It was now or never.

'Oh hey.'

'Hey.' Elliot said, trying really hard to avoid her.

'Are you new here? My name is Julieta Márquez, the M.E., but you can call me Julie.' Elliot looked at her with curiosity. She had a big, bright smile on her face.

'I hope we can get to know each other. I heard you have a wonderful family and an angel taking care of all of you. I'm looking forward to meeting them.'

He extended his hand, grabbing hers in a firm and warm handshake. 'Hi Julie, I'm Elliot. Thank you for meeting me again.'

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The call took her by surprise. She didn't expect him to call her for dinner but gladly accepted. Their relationship at the moment was... weird. Like roommates. Like the roommates, historians loved to write about, if you know what I mean. When she arrived, a freshly baked pastry was in the center of the table and two cups of warm cinnamon tea with a name scribbled on them: Rafael.

'How did it go?'

'Better than I expected, I guess. There are a couple more filters, maybe another interview, but at least the first part is done.'

'That's what it's important. Let's hope for the best, shall we?'

'But enough about me, I tried to read your manuscript about the new technique that your team developed, but honestly, I got lost very quickly. Do you mind... explain it to me?'

There were never uncomfortable silences with Rafael. Mainly because they were almost non-existent. She had missed talking to him. They could go over a dozen subjects in a few hours, and it was never boring. It was also nice whenever they had to pause to eat; the silences fit in the conversation, like the silences you often find in music. A part of her was afraid that she would never find someone like him: she had a date the other day with the cashier of a library nearby. She was a nice girl, very pretty, but there was no spark. The conversation often turned awkward, and she was convinced the girl had blocked her number. But with him... everything was special.

'So, what do you think?'

'Every time you tell me about your experiments, I feel like I've just watched a Christopher Nolan movie. Like, I like them, but at the same time, I get confused the more I think about them.'

'Same thing when you tell me about law... when I finally get something, you start saying stuff in Latin.'

They both laughed. Despite the cold weather, that small cafeteria close to the New York County Courthouse felt like the coziest place in the world. Vero, the waitress who had been attending the place for over ten years, felt a deja vu: she could have sworn that she had seen that movie scene before, a man and a woman eating a sweet pastry, drinking cinnamon tea, him wearing a brown coat, she wearing a black one... New Yorkers are often depicted as people who don't care much about their surroundings, but two people with that much chemistry were difficult to forget.

A couple of hours later, they left the coffee shop and started walking together, with no clear destination. It was late, but none of them felt like going home yet. He was the first to notice, although he wanted to wait before making any move. It took her a couple of minutes (and seeing the calendar app on her phone by mistake) to realize: it was Friday. She stared at the screen for a couple of seconds; he pretended to see somewhere else, and acted surprised when she pointed it out.

'I mean, if you want.'

'I want to go if you want to go.'

'I mean, we need to celebrate, right? Your interview and my new project.'

'Yeah, a couple of drinks would be nice.'

They arrived at La Bamba just in time. The band had just ended their break, and the next musical block was about to start. Rafael ordered the drinks, and she found the table.

'Cheers!'

'To whatever comes.'

'To whatever comes.'

A familiar song began playing. They both avoided looking at each other. Suddenly, the dancing couples became very interesting. A sudden burst of applause startled both: a couple a few tables across from them just got engaged. Rafael and Julie watched the scene, and funnily enough, they both noticed at the same time the sign that had probably been used for the proposal. It didn't show the usual question, but instead, with big black letters, the message read: "Can we try again?"

Their gazes met. Of course, they had both seen the message. Without exchanging any words, they both rose from their seats, their hands shyly barely touching. The song still present; perhaps it was an extended version. Although the question was not meant for them, they both answered it to the rhythm of a danzón.

Chapter Text

Four years and 6 months. He had to take an additional semester because of all the changes in his research project. Not to mention being a father of two, a husband, and an active researcher in two companies. The last year was particularly hard, a lot of things happened in the world: there was another Dominick Carisi in the world, Melinda retired, Fin got married, Stabler and Liv were… well Stabler and Liv, and through that, Nick spent several hours in the lab getting his doctoral experiments done.

And now the wait was finally over. In the past, having his colleagues in the audience and watching him speak usually meant that he was testifying. He didn’t know if he preferred to be in that situation. He went over and over his thesis, trying to find weak points or unanswered questions, but anything could happen in an oral examination like that. He wanted to be precise and formal, but not too formal so that everybody could understand. His palms were sweating like crazy, and his eyes wandered everywhere, scanning the people in the room. His friends, family, and colleagues were all there, giving him reassuring smiles. But he couldn’t smile back just yet.

He continued rearranging the five water bottles for the members of his examining committee and checked his computer connection one more time, trying to occupy his mind somewhere else. The sound of the doors opening caught his attention. He quickly turned around to see the man that had just entered the room sitting in the back. Nick let out a huge breath and smiled at the man. It was the sign he was waiting for.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

She hated being late. She thought she wouldn’t make it, but being the Chief Medical Examiner had its perks, and they waited for her. Julie started walking faster through the halls leading to the auditorium. Her white jacket stood out from the black suits of her colleagues and committee members. They all greeted each other and listened to the principal of the graduate program at Nick’s University go through the details of the Dissertation Defense guidelines.

She smiled to herself. She was so proud of Nick as a friend and as a teacher. It was just an extra effort, and he would be Dr. Amaro by the end of the day. The perfect scenario for an already extraordinary day. Although she warned him that she would not go easy on him, she also wanted to show gratitude towards him. Nick had been highly considerate given the circumstances, and he had already demonstrated what he was capable of to her. So she decided only to give him the necessary push to let him shine on his own.

After a few words from the principal, she and the other four committee members entered the room one by one after a brief introduction. She locked eyes with a very frightened Nick when it was her turn. She signaled him to breathe, trying to transmit to him some familiarity and comfort. She also greeted the other people in the room with a soft nod, her gaze stopping for a little longer in Rafael, sitting at the back of the room.

And now, ShowTime.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Rafael was really trying his best to understand what had just happened, but he couldn’t. And it was ironic because he helped Nick with his presentation and gave him some advice on presenting himself as confident during the oral presentation and the questioning. But his mind started to wander after the tenth graph (that, again, he had seen and listened to the explanation before). But can you blame him? He would shyly say no if you asked him. After all, being appointed a judge that morning would be enough to thrill anyone.

He was standing in the corner of the room, waiting with everybody else. After the questioning, all the members of the audience and Nick were asked to step outside so the committee could evaluate his answers and give their final decision. It was more or less like waiting for the jury’s verdict, he wanted to think.

‘Hey! you made it.’ Nick said, hugging Barba.

‘Yeah, I’m so sorry we got here late, but there was a lot of traffic from the Courthouse to here. Congratulations, Amaro, you did great.’

‘I was starting to worry, to be honest. I thought that Julie wouldn’t make it and that they would call her substitute… But hey, everything went fine, I guess. And now it’s my turn to congratulate you, Rafael, or should I say, Judge Barba?’

‘Shhh, nobody knows that yet, but thanks.’ Rafael said, whispering. He suddenly felt a strong vibration coming from his left pocket. ‘Sorry, I thought I turned this thing off…’ He was about to decline the call when he looked at the caller's I.D. ‘I need to take this one. Best of luck Nick.’

He quickly walked to the exit of the room. On another occasion, he wouldn’t have cared to answer his phone in the middle of the hallway or even not answer at all. But he knew that this call was different. It wasn’t work-related. He reached the parking lot and climbed into his car before answering.

‘Tell me it’s good news.’

‘Hey, being a Judge doesn’t mean you can forget your manners with me. Try again nicely.’

Rafael pinched his nose bridge. ‘Hello Rita, my dear friend. How are you? Can you tell me why you called me?’

He heard Rita laugh loudly on the other side of the call. ‘Now that’s better. I do have good news, well, sort of. I talked with Donnelly, and she is available only today.’

‘Today?!’

‘If you want to wait for tomorrow, I think the only one available would be Taft, and you don’t want that. Plus, my flight is tomorrow at noon, and as your best friend, I will never forgive you, and you know it.’

Rafael let out a sigh. He looked at the backseat, where the flowers that Julie gave him that morning emanated a strong perfume. Evening primrose, his favorite. He took the small card with the bouquet; her messy handwriting with the message “I told you so” made him smile again.

‘Hey, are you there?’

‘I know I have asked you a lot of favors for today… but can you go to the flower shop and bring me some lavender, forget-me-nots, and daisies? I’ll transfer the money to you as soon as I can. I’m going for it.’

‘Great, ‘cause I already paid the fee.’

‘Rita…’

‘Oh, it wasn’t me, technically. Ironically, you will need to thank Stabler. I forgot my card, and he lent me the 25 bucks.’

‘Sometimes I can’t believe that despite living in probably one of the most populated cities in the world, we manage to encounter the same people repeatedly…’

‘Well, it is not like all your bad luck would disappear at the same time…’

‘Funny. I’ll see you later.’

‘Best of luck Rafael.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Tears of joy were streaming down her cheeks. He made it. Dr. Nick Amaro. It was a unanimous decision and she didn’t even need to advocate for her friend. It was an outstanding dissertation, and everyone in the room knew it. She hugged Cynthia and the kids and said her goodbyes to the rest of the attendants. She made her way to the parking lot, where Rafael awaited her.

‘Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t go back. How did he do?’

‘Amazing, they couldn’t say anything against him.’

‘I’m glad… hey, Rita called.’

Julie’s eyes opened wide. ‘And?’

‘If we want to do it, it has to be today.’

‘Today… Oh God...’

‘I know… unless you want to wait longer, there is no need to rush things; we can always wait for next y-‘

The bad habit of talking unbelievably fast when he gets nervous was something that he was trying hard to get rid of. It was a problem that made their first couple's therapy sessions difficult, but they eventually figured it out. Like everything else. Her soft lips had this double effect of making his heart beat faster while also calming his soul. He smiled and returned the kiss.

‘I’ll have to make some phone calls… but I think we can make it today.’

‘Okay…’

‘Okay.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Nick didn’t want a party or a big dinner celebration. He wanted what every graduate student wanted for his graduation. A good night of sleep. That’s why, after his exam, he went to have a nice lunch with his family and headed home. He was ready to put on his pajamas when he heard a knock on his door. Muttering some curses in Spanish, he opened the door to reveal Joe.

‘¿Con esa boca besas a tu madre? (With that mouth, you kiss your mother?).’

Nick laughed. ‘I’m sorry Joe, what are you doing here?’

‘Well, I wanted to see if you were doing anything for tonight. Oh, and also to congratulate you brother.’

‘Gracias compay. No… not really. Cynthia went out to do something urgently and I’m just here.’

‘Great, ‘cause I need a big favor. Let’s go.’

‘Joe…’

‘It won’t take you more than one hour, I promise.’

‘Fine… can I change at least?’ Nick pointed out at his suit.

‘No, you look perfect.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The weather was marvelous that evening. The sun was dropping slowly, making everything look as if you had honey lenses on. The park was also very quiet; an occasional conversation could be heard momentarily, but it was the quietness that remained. Milagros and Lucía were the first ones to refuse the unusual petition. Julio just laughed and let them go.

‘¡Van a arruinar su ropa, Julio! (they are going to ruin their clothes, Julio!).’

‘Déjalos ser mi amor, ya sabes que con ellos no hay una manera usual de hacer las cosas. (Let them be my love, you know that with them, there is not a usual way to do things.)’

‘It’s just until Nick and Joe arrive…’

They knew they had enough time. Walking hand in hand, they found a spot in the middle of their beloved park. It was perfect. They looked too weird, but again, they have always been a pair of unlikely lovers. Taking the book number 26 of the Lupin series out of her purse, they began reading out loud, one page each. They were missing just one chapter. They reached the final lines when they saw two male figures approaching them. Perfect timing.

‘Come on, you two. It’s time.’ Joe smiled.

Nick’s confused face quickly transformed into an overwhelmed-with-emotion face. He quickly connected the dots: why Cynthia left their house running with a white dress over her shoulder earlier that day; why Amanda asked if Zara and Gil could babysit Jesse, Billie, and Nicki that evening; and why Joe was looking into his drawers when he returned from the bathroom before leaving. He never tossed away his speech.

‘Hey, sorry we are doing this on your day, but you see-‘

‘Shut it, Jules. This is the most random but wholesome moment I have ever witnessed. I couldn’t ask for a better ending for my day. No need to apologize; thank you for having me here.’

The three gentlemen excused themselves when they reached the room and entered first. Julie sighed, looking at her bouquet. It was an odd combination of flowers, but they somehow reflected how many different eras she and Rafael lived and how they prevailed. It wasn’t a fairy tale. Their story was way far from perfect. There have been ups and downs and a lot of work from both sides to make it work. And despite all the pain, the tears, and the heartbreak, they wouldn’t have had it any other way.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The moment she appeared through the doors, he felt like crying. He knew he was fortunate. Lucky because the woman of his life appeared out of nowhere one day, pushing him to the side to keep him safe. Lucky because she found him interesting somehow. Lucky because she showed him that she still had faith in him. Lucky because she fell in love with him. Lucky because she taught him that there were things worth fighting for…

But not everything was luck. There was a lot of work in that relationship. A lot of learning and listening. A willingness to become the best version of yourself and prioritize your well-being. He was a new man. He was more vulnerable, more prone to crying, more open with what he liked or disliked… For years, he was taught that that made him weak; the voice of his father was difficult to quiet even after all those years, but he knew that the peace in his heart that he gained from being like that was irreplaceable. With Julie, there was no need to hide, no need to make himself small, no need to pretend…

She also felt like crying. First, she looked at her parents. After being so close to losing both, she promised to treasure every single moment, big or small. That’s why she knew that she didn’t want to elope as they originally planned. She needed her family there. She also needed her friends: those folks who knew them better than anyone else and had held them through and through. Amanda, Nick, Joe, Cynthia, Melinda, Carisi, Rita… they were all part of their story.

She was shaking when she was finally at his side. He gently took her hand, sending a calming sensation through her body. He had that effect. Her smile grew wider as she remembered the past months of them working to make their love prevail. Tears were running down her cheeks as she recalled his surprised face when she bent on one knee at the top of the mountain in Switzerland. She asked him this time.

She would’ve been uncomfortable showing that much emotion in the past, but things were different now. She was finally at peace with her past. She also learned that no matter how angry, sad, happy, scared, excited, and countless other emotions she was, she could love and be loved. She didn't need to be extraordinary all the time; she just needed to be Julie. All those years of feeling unworthy were gone.

She intertwined her fingers with his. It was strange. They were both different now compared to when they met. Life had been rough for both of them. Yet the feelings were the same, if not bigger. They knew this wasn’t the end of the line; marriage wasn’t easy, and there would be more obstacles they would have to face, but they were ready. They were not scared to feel anymore because it was part of life. Together, they were ready.

‘Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of this company to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…’

When they first kissed, it was sweet, gentle, almost too shy. Both surrounded by the darkness of a very convenient blackout. But the one they were sharing right now was filled with love, trust, and confidence. It wasn’t desperate or too passionate (for the love of God, their parents were present), but everyone in that room felt a small fraction of the overflowing love that Julie and Rafael felt for each other. When they separated, green met brown. There was a silent conversation between their gazes, each admiring their favorite light in the world. They were going to be okay. They were finally home.