Chapter Text
It was a hot July this summer and a day Applejack dreads every year was coming up.
Applejack fidgets with her hat in her hands, a bead of sweat making its way down her temple, her mind racing as she struggles with her thoughts and emotions. She mumbles to herself, "Why does today have to come every year..?"
A week from today, she would have to listen to the story of how her parents got together and eventually how they came to their end. Then her and her siblings will go down to the pear and apple tree their parents planted and place flowers and have a picnic.
She sighed and put her hat back on, the sun beating down harder than usual. The sound of cicadas is the only thing that breaks the silence of the hot summer afternoon. She stands up from the tree root she was sitting on and heads out of the orchard and towards the house.
Though she loves hearing about her parents and the story of them meeting, hearing about their death following it never sat right with her.
Applejack walks into the living room of the farm house and sits down at the table across from Big Mac who grunts a greeting without looking up from his paper. Applejack sits, still fidgeting with her hat, and watches Big Mac for a moment before her mind returns to the anniversary coming up and the emotions that came with it.
This year felt even more different than last, but she's not sure why. "Hey Mac, do ya ever feel...I don't know, weird about celebrating the passing of our parents every year?"
Big Mac finally looks up from his paper and locks eyes with Applejack. "I suppose it feels strange sometimes," He pauses and sets the paper down, rubbing his chin in thought. "But it's just a way to remember them, to keep their memory alive."
Applejack let's out a long sigh. Big Mac puts his paper down knowing he's not going to get to keep reading it. "Yeah, I know that and all, but I mean the death part. Do we really gotta bring that part up after talkin so lovely about them prior? Just feels wrong."
Big Mac looks to Applejack, his expression shifting to one of thoughtfulness. "I think the death part is important because it's a part of life. We can't just ignore the bad parts, we gotta acknowledge them, even on a day like this."
Applejack looks down at her hands in her lap, fiddling her fingers. "It just makes it harder to move on, ya know?"
Big Mac nods, his expression showing a hint of compassion. "I know what ya mean. It's hard to deal with sometimes, but remember, they wouldn't want us to be sad all the time, they'd want us to remember the good times and celebrate them."
She looked up, tears barely visible in her eyes. With one blink, they were gone. "Yeah I guess you're right. Just wish Appleblloom had been able to get to know them as much as you and I at least. Even just as much as me."
Big Mac's expression shifted to one of sadness as he nodded his head. "Yeah, it's tough. Life ain't fair sometimes, ya know... but at least we still got each other."
They gave each other small smiles and Big Mac stood up and walked out of the living room.
The next couple of days didn't seem to change Applejacks feelings about the matter that much. If anything, they were getting stronger. Her friends were starting to take notice of her mood change as they were becoming increasingly harder to ignore.
"Hey Applejack, what's up with you lately?" Twilight Sparkle, one of Applejack's closest friends, asks as they gather in the town square. "You've been kind of down the last few days."
It's only now that Applejack realizes she's been completely zoned out as her and Twilight made their way towards Pinkie Pies bakery to meet up with everyone.
She just keeps walking. "Oh nothin Twilight. Just a lotta work on the farm. Ya know how summer months get."
Twilight, clearly not buying Applejack's answer, pushes forward with her question. "Yeah, I understand, but work doesn't usually make you this down. Something else seems to be bothering you."
Applejack stops walking. She wasn't one to talk about her feelings and she wasn't going to start now. "Listen Twi, I get you're trying to help and all, but really, I'm fine. Just let it go ok."
Twilight's eyes narrow as she looks at her friend, sensing her reluctance to open up. "Applejack.... I know you hate talking about your feelings, but it's clear something is bothering you. It's not just work."
Applejack just sighs lowly and starts walking towards Pinkie Pies bakery. "Whatever you say, but like I said, drop it. Please."
It was unusual for Applejack to behave this way, especially towards her close friends.
Twilight sighs and follows Applejack towards Pinkie Pie's bakery. She can see the wall Applejack is putting up, but doesn't force the issue further for now. The two girls arrive at the bakery and see Pinkie Pie already setting out a variety of treats on the counter.
All of their friends are already inside waiting. Applejack plops down in one of the chairs around the table where Rainbow, Fluttershy and Rarity are sitting.
Rainbow Dash notices Applejack's demeanor as she sits down. "Heeeeyyy Applejack, what's going on? You look like someone just told you the Apple family's cider is all gone."
Applejack let's out a swift laugh. "Oh please Dash, you're the only one who would be so distraught over cider," she jokes.
Rainbow grins, pleased to see a reaction from her friend. "Hey, don't even pretend like you wouldn't miss cider, you love it as much as I do."
Applejack places her hand on Rainbows and says, "I don't think anyone loves cider as much as you do and I think that says something considering it's part of ma families buisness," in a mockingly sofy voice.
Rainbow Dash chuckles and nods in agreement. "Fair point, I do take my cider pretty seriously." She glances at Applejack, sensing that something is still off "But seriously, you do seem a bit down today. What's up?"
Applejack looks away from the table. "Not you too. Can I just enjoy this night out with ma friends for a while?" Applejack says standing up. She heads over towards the bar where pinkie placed some desserts for them.
Pinkie Pie greets Applejack with a cheerful smile. "Heya AJ! I got your favorites right here!" She gestures to a plate of assorted pastries and pies.
Rainbow Dash and the others watch from their table as Applejack heads to the bar. They can tell she's a bit off, but decide to give her space for now.
Back at the table, the remaining friends start to chat.
"So what's up with AJ?" Rainbow asked.
Twilight tilted her head in confusion. "I really thought if anyone was going to know what was wrong with her, it'd be you Rainbow Dash."
Rainbow Dash looks a bit surprised. "Hey, I'm not some mind reader. Even I can't figure out everything that goes through Applejack's head."
Rarity doesn't look up from filing her nails but says, "Yes, but you two often share more with one another than with us darling."
Rainbow laughs sheepishly. "I guess you're right, but Applejack's a pretty private person, and she doesn't open up about her feelings unless she wants to, and she clearly doesn't want to right now."
Everyone gives each other a worried look.
"So maybe we should just drop it. If we push too hard she'll just get more distant," Rainbows adds.
Rarity nods in agreement. "Yes, Applejack can be quite stubborn when she gets in these moods. It's best to just give her space when she needs it."
"If you girls don't mind, I'd like to add my input," Fluttershy says quietly. Everyone gives her expectant looks to go on, but right as she opens her mouth to speak, Applejack walks back over with a plate of desserts and Pinkie bouncing behind he.
Rainbow Dash leans forward, eager to hear Fluttershy's input, but is interrupted by Pinkie's energetic entrance. "Yay! Applejack and I brought the food!" Pinkie exclaims as she jumps onto a chair next to Twilight.
Forced to ignore their previous conversation, everyone pretends it didn't happen. The group spends the rest of the night joking and laughing and telling stories. Applejack is managing to keep up her act of happiness, joining in on the laughter and stories. The others are enjoying themselves, but can still feel the weight of Applejack's mood lingering in the background.
Rainbow kept giving her side glances or nudges to see if Applejack would just say what was wrong, but all she got was a roll of her eyes or an eyebrow raise in response. It was driving Dash mad. She was pretty sure she knew what the issue was and if she was correct, she didn't want to push Applejack too hard, buuuuuut on the other hand, Rainbow really wanted to know.
It was getting real late on a Wednesday night and most of them had things to do in the morning so they all said their goodbyes and headed home.
Applejack watched her friends head home and then started the trek back to the farm. The night was silent and the stars were out in full, the warm summer air making the night a comfortable temperature.
She didn't want to go to sleep because that meant it would be the day of the memorial picnic, but she was mentally tired.
Applejack trudged up the steps leading to the front door of the farmhouse. The porch creaked under her feet as she headed inside and shut the door behind her. She really didn't want to go to sleep, but her body was telling her otherwise.
Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, she had a thought. She let go of the rail and made her way to the back door and quietly slipped out and into the night, the sound of crickets and other night animals filling the air. She looked up at the clear sky, the stars twinkling above.
Turning on her heels, she walked over to the ladder leaning against the house. She climbed the ladder and hoisted herself onto the rooftop. The gentle slope of the roof made it easy to sit down comfortably and gaze out at the farm surrounding her.
Not even 5 minutes go by before she hears someone quietly yelling her name from below.
Applejack whips her head around and looks down, surprised to hear a voice calling her name. "Who's there?" she whispers loudly into the dark.
"Santa Claus," Rainbow says sarcastically.
Applejack lets out a huff. "Hah, very funny Dash."
She stands up and walks to the very edge of the roof, peering over to see Rainbow Dash standing below, looking up at her.
"How'd you know I was up here?" She asked curiously.
Rainbow crossed her arms at that. "Ah please, this is where you always go when you're upset."
"Oh sweet apples. Will you guys just drop it already," Applejack says annoyed.
Rainbow shuffled her feet for a second before saying, "I know you're having a tough time right now Applejack and I know why. Look I'm not here to make you talk about it either. Just thought we could stargaze like we use to or something."
Applejack looks at Rainbow for a moment, her expression softening. She caves.
"Yeah, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to get ma mind off things for a bit. Come on up."
Rainbow smiles and quickly ascends the latter. As she reaches the top of the latter, Applejack offers a hand to help her up. Once they are both settled on the slanted roof, they lay down beside each other and look up at the night sky. They haven't done this since after graduating last year during the summer.
After a while of silence and occasionally pointing out shooting stars, Applejack finally speaks. "So you know why I've been acting funny huh?"
Rainbow nods, keeping her gaze on the sky. "Yeah, I think I have an idea."
She turns her head to look at Applejack. "It's about the memorial, isn't it?"
Applejack sighs which in turn, gives Rainbow her answer. "I just don't find comfort in it like the rest of ma family does," she says quietly.
Rainbow nods in understanding. "I can see why you would feel that way, remembering the good times doesn't really work if it's overshadowed by the bad."
Applejacl threw her hands in the air, "See, that's what I was trying to tell big Mac, but he went on about how ya have to accept the good with the bad or whatever it was he was sayin."
Rainbow chuckled slightly at Applejack's display of frustration. "Yeah, Macintosh is a lot more old-fashioned then we are. He's grown up with it, so of course he would have a different view."
"Would've thought he'd feel the same or maybe even worse since he knew our parents longer than I or Appleblloom, but I guess not." AJ says sadly.
Rainbow sighs. "I guess everyone handles grief differently. For some, it's easier to focus on the good and find comfort in that. While for others, like you, it's harder to ignore the bad and move on."
Applejack frowns for a moment and then turns to look at Dash. "Well what do ya do when ya can't move on from something?"
Rainbow thinks for a moment, her own experiences and coping mechanisms flashing through her mind. "When I can't move on from something, I usually try to keep myself busy. Whether it's training, flying, or just hanging out with friends. It helps me distract myself and eventually the pain eases a bit."
"I do that on the farm a lot with chores, but I can't with this. Every year, Granny has everyone takin two days off before the memorial and "relax"." AJ put her arms up to do quotations with her hands as she said relax.
"Yeah, that doesn't exactly help you take your mind off things," Rainbow jokes, trying to lighten the mood a bit. "Two days of just sitting around and thinking about it? Sounds miserable."
Applejack scoffs. "Ya don't say? Besides, relaxing on days off is definitely more of a you thing."
Rainbow smiles. "Yeah, I'll definitely take the relaxing days over working any day, but that's besides the point. I don't really know if trying to distract yourself from something like this is healthy anyway."
Applejack looks over at her confused. "Ya just said that's what ya do to cope?"
"I mean yeah, but like with failing a stunt or over thinking something. Not with the loss of a loved one."
There's a pause as they both continue to gaze up at the stars before Rainbow speaks again. "You know, you don't have to go to the memorial if you don't want to."
Applejack takes a moment. She'd never even considered not going as an option. Surely she wasn't allowed to miss it. It would be wrong of her to....wouldn't it?
Rainbow notices the flicker of hesitation on Applejack's face and knows what she is thinking. "Listen, it's not required by law or anything to go to the Memorial. It's your choice, and if you really don't want to go, you don't have to. You have nothing to feel guilty about."
Applejack sits up suddenly. "Well sure I do. It's ma parents memorial day for ma family. Me not going would be like a slap to their faces and ma parents memory."
Rainbow sits up as well, propping herself up on her elbows. "Applejack, I know you love your family and your parents, but you have to think about yourself too. Forcing yourself to do something that's causing you this much distress isn't healthy. Your parents wouldn't want you to suffer like this."
She let out a small laugh. "Big Mac said something similar earlier today. Only he was sayin they would want me to remember the good times and persevere through the bad. Can't have one without the other."
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that sounds like something Macintosh would say, old-fashioned and all that, but seriously, you don't have to push yourself to do something that's causing you pain. You're allowed to put yourself first sometimes."
This time applejack let's out a louder chuckle. "Ha have ya met me?"
Rainbow grins back at her friend. "Okay, okay, fair point. You're stubborn as a mule, there's no denying that. But just because you're a tough one to crack doesn't mean I won't try."
Applejack brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Placing her chin on her knees, she says, "Yeah well, ya are just as stubborn as I am."
Rainbow smirks and nods in agreement. "Oh, I won't deny that. We're both pretty stubborn, that's for sure. It's one of the reasons we get along so well."
"Ya mean argue?" Applejack says cocking an eyebrow.
"Its more like competitive banter," Rainbow says with a shrug.
Applejack chuckles. "Oh please, we spend more time arguing than we do bantering, and ya know it."
Rainbow laughs. "Only because you refuse to admit when I'm right."
"More like only wen ya refuse to admit ya cheated," Applejack retaliates.
Rainbow scoffs and rolls her eyes. "Hey, I do not cheat!" She says, feigning offense.
Applejack gives her a deadpan look.
Rainbow grins sheepishly. "Okay, fine, maybe I cheat sometimes. But only because you're such a good opponent, I have to level the playing field somehow."
"Oh wow. I got a confession and a complement in one sentence?" She says with a smirk
Rainbow grins proudly at Applejack's reaction. "What can I say, I'm a generous person." She responds smugly.
"And modest, clearly." AJ laughs.
"Hey, I can be modest when I want to be."
Rainbow pouts, but after a short moment breaks out into a wide grin. "Okay, who am I kidding? I'm awesome and I know it."
Applejack just smiles. "Yeah well, I guess you're not wrong."
Rainbow laughs. "See, even you admit it.”
There’s a pause as they both look back up at the sky. "Hey, can I ask you something?”
Applejack leans back on her elbows and says, "I might give ya an answer."
Rainbow grins. "Alright, I’ll bite. Do you believe in soulmates?”
This peaks Applejacks attention. "I'm gonna need more than that."
Rainbow turns her head to look at Applejack. “You know, the idea that there’s one person out there who’s just meant for you. Your perfect match. Do you believe in that?”
The question really threw her for a loope. It felt random to say the least. Applejack thought about it for a moment before answering.
"Well I think my parents were. Everyone told them they couldn't be together and it would never work only for them to find true love in one another and make it work despite the odds."
Rainbow smiles softly. "Yeah, your parents were proof of how strong their love was."
There's a pause as Applejack processes the thought of her parents love before Rainbow continues.
“But that doesn’t really answer my question. Do you believe in soulmates for yourself? That there’s one person who’s perfect for you.”
"Yeah I guess I do," she answered honestly.
Rainbow grins. “I knew it, deep down you’re a hopeless romantic.”
"What? Nuh uh. Shut up," AJ said quickly.
“Yes, you are! Admit it!" Rainbow pokes Applejack in the side as she teases her so Applejack smacks her hand away. "I think that's enough stargazing for one night."
Rainbows smirk grows. "Aww, come on. We were just getting to the good part."
She jokingly grabs ahold of Applejack, preventing her from leaving.
"The good part will be when I lay in ma nice cool bed and get some sleep," Applejack says using the hand Rainbow grabbed her with to pull her to her feet.
Rainbow grumbles, but lets herself be pulled to her feet. "Fine, I guess it is getting kinda late."
She sighs dramatically and stretches. "I was hoping to stay up all night chatting and stargazing."
"Well some of us got things to do in the mornin...."
Rainbow huffs. "Oh, you're no fun."
She jokingly bumps shoulders with Applejack as they make their way back to the ladder.
On the ground, Rainbows gives Applejack a wave and says, "Remember AJ, you're allowed to think of yourself sometimes," before she starts walking back to her own house.
Applejack nods and responds, "I'll try to keep that in mind, but no promises."
She watches Rainbow leave before heading back inside and to her room. She really wasn't looking forward to tomorrow.
As Applejack lay in bed, she finds it hard to fall asleep. The conversation with Rainbow replays in her mind, the idea of thinking and putting herself first. She turns from her side to her back and sighs.
It felt wrong to think like that, but her thoughts drift back to the upcoming Memorial.
Applejack rolls over again, trying to get comfortable. She glances over at the clock, the time almost 1:30 in the morning.
"Ugh, why can't I sleep?"
She groans to herself.
Eventually, appljacks eyelids start to feel heavy and she slowly closes them. She can feel her body sinking into the mattress and a cool breeze blowing on her face through her open window. Just as she started to slip off into sleep, her alarm clock goes off, promptly at 6am.
Applejack groans loudly at the sound. She grabs her pillow, pulling it over her head and tries to muffle it. She groans once more and tosses the pillow to the side when it doesn't work.
Today is the day she's been dreading all year long. Nothings even started and she can already tell she isn't going to make it through the day.