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Chapter Text

Sirius Black

@Padfoot

Does anyone want to go to couples therapy with me? I'm bored

I mean like how funny would it be to just go to couples therapy

with a complete stranger and see how long it takes the therapist

to figure out that we don't know each other?

2:17 AM 15 Mar 24

Remus stared at the tweet. He read it again, wondering if the weed he was smoking was messing with his brain. No, apparently whoever Sirius Black was was just that insane. Remus looked closer at his profile picture. He was pretty, with black curls reaching just past his shoulders and a leather jacket over a Bowie tshirt. At least he had good music taste. 

Remus looked over his schedule, checking whether or not he had an additional hour to spare the next week. He did, and he smiled as he clicked to respond to the tweet. He severely hoped he wouldn't regret this the next morning, but he replied asking if Sirius was free on Wednesday afternoon. Within moments, Sirius responded eagerly confirming along with many heart emojis. Too many heart emojis, Remus thought. 

The two DM'ed back and forth a bit, Sirius promising to set up an appointment the next morning for 16:00 on Wednesday, but being otherwise secretive and avoidant of any conversation. When Remus asked why (something he would only ever do while high, usually he would be too shy to ask such questions), Sirius simply said it was for the good of the "experiment" and that they should know as little as possible about each other. 

That weekend flew by faster than any other in Remus' life, and he found himself stressing at work before he knew it. On Wednesday he took the bus to the therapists' office, nerve racking doubt building in his gut. Upon sobering up, the "experiment" started sounding like a worse and worse idea every minute. He didn't want to disappoint Sirius, however, so he pushed that doubt down and entered the office with the other man.

The therapist's office would have been cozy if not for the fact that the walls were white and bare, and the only furniture was a desk, its chair and two armchairs, all black and white. In other words, it was not cozy. Remus shuddered walking in. He was glad he could decorate his classroom and didn't have to sit in a room like this all week. 

"Hello, you're Sirius and Remus, correct?" The woman asked in a monotone voice. She wore wired glasses and her blonde hair in a bun. Her name tag said "Dr. Parker".

Remus said nothing, glancing nervously at the man beside him. That day, Sirius had his hair half-up, and he looked like he just came back from an office job, which could have been the case, Remus simply didn't know. Sirius had refused to share. He did, however, have slightly smudged eyeliner on that looked as if it had been done in a hurry. He didn't look bad, just tired. The man cleared his throat. 

"Erm... Yes, that's us".

"No need to stress, I'm not here to judge, I'm just here to help", the therapist smiled slightly. "So, Remus, Sirius, what brings you here today?"

It was Sirius' turn to glance away from the woman. Remus started freaking out more and more. Had Sirius really not thought of anything before they came here? Why did Remus agree to this? The therapist would know immediately, of course she would! It's literally her job, people with stupid ideas like these probably-

"I feel like Remus doesn't let me express myself", Sirius said. 

Remus froze, then looked at Sirius and opened his mouth to protest.

"I would never-"

"Now now, wait. You should let Sirius explain what precisely he means by that first", Dr. Parker said.

Remus sank back into his chair, realising he fell right into Sirius' trap. He had probably intended to make him look bad. It was fairly easy to look bad next to him, Remus thought. Sirius was attractive, you had to give him that.

Sirius took a deep breath and continued. "Well, for example, I like to wear makeup, but he always complains when I put on anything more than eyeliner".

Remus opened and closed his mouth, shocked and feeling himself blush.

"Remus, why do you dislike when Sirius wears makeup?" The therapist asked.

"Erm... I just, erm..." Remus felt his face getting hotter, struggling to find words. "It must have been a misunderstanding, I just meant that I like when he wears eyeliner, and maybe that day he had... other makeup on and not eyeliner, I'm sorry, I don't remember the situation" he managed.

Sirius rolled his eyes theatrically. "That's what you always say! You never remember anything. Do you even remember our anniversary?" he asked.

"Now, Sirius, calm down. Remus, if it was really a misunderstanding, I understand you'll refrain from negative comments about his personal style choices in the future?" Dr. Parker asked. 

"Yes, of course", Remus said quickly, then turned to Sirius. "I'm sorry, it won't happen again".

"I hope", the man said, looking at his fingernails, which were painted black. 

"Well, was there anything else you would like to discuss?" The woman asked.

The rest of the session went by in a similar manner. Sirius would say something about Remus that he obviously never did, and Remus would stutter an apology. He was starting to get frustrated by the comments, until finally being able to get a jab at Sirius in.

"You're very critical about my career", he said.

It was Sirius' turn to sit awkwardly. Of course, he didn't know what Remus did for work, so his possible responses were limited. "I think it's a... respectable job, just..."

Remus decided to help him out a bit, because if the therapist found out Sirius didn't know Remus' job, she would start to get suspicious.

"What? It's not enough money? I should tell you, teachers are very important in society", he grumbled.

"Oh, Remus, you're a teacher? That's a lovely job, what do you teach?" Dr. Parker asked.

"Middle school English", Remus replied timidly. 

"Now Sirius, what bothers you about Remus' career?" she asked.

"There's nothing wrong with being a teacher itself, it's just that he's always working. We barely even have time to see each other anymore due to the countless papers he has to mark". 

The therapist nodded. "I see. It's understandable, wanting to spend more time with your partner. I think you two should set a weekly date. A few hours per week when you don't pick up work calls or mark papers, only devote your time to each other and nothing else".

Remus nodded eagerly. "Yeah, I could do that. Saturday evening okay for you, Siri?" he said, making up a pet name on the spot. 

Sirius blushed at the nickname and nodded. "Yeah. Unless James has something planned for this week already and didn't tell me, you know how it is with him. In that case we'll start next week and I'll tell him that Saturday evenings are off-limits".

Remus smiled slightly in agreement.

"Well, would you look at the clock, our time is up already! See you next week?" The therapist asked.

"Yeah", Sirius said, not waiting for Remus to answer. "I think we still have some things to get through".

They got up from the chairs, a rather difficult task for Remus and his hurting hip, and walked out. In the doorway, Sirius let his hand brush up against Remus'. He thought it must be for Dr. Parker to see. Some physical affection had to be shown, even the bare minimum that a stranger would be comfortable with.

When they got outside, Remus decided to do something bold. "Hey, so erm, Sirius, would you like to get coffee? We should probably get to know each other a little better if we want to make the lie believable".

Sirius shook his head."No, that's the whole point! To see how long we can keep it up without knowing anything about each other. I couldn't anyway, I have to pick my niece up from football practice. If you need anything, just DM me. See you next week", he said, getting on his motorbike. 

A motorbike, Remus thought. So bloody cool.

Chapter Text

The next Wednesday rolled around quicker than Remus had expected. Once again, Sirius with his motorbike and office clothes and eyeliner pulled up to the dull, grey building. Remus was simultaneously not excited and couldn't wait for the session. It was a nice change of pace, to be able to sit down and just talk for an hour, even if it was with two strangers, one who basically bullied him for an "experiment" and the other who stared uncomfortably into his soul. 

The session started out similarly than before, except for the fact that they were offered tea by Dr. Parker. Remus accepted it gratefully, and Sirius refused. Remus wasn't surprised, as Sirius definitely look like someone who exclusively drank coffee.

The two continued to make random complaints about each other. Sirius apparently always took his motorbike to Remus' apartment building, and since his flat was on the first floor, the noise bothered his cat (which he didn't have, but wished he did), and when confronted abut it refused to park it a street further. It allegedly bothered Sirius that Remus left cat hair all over the other's apartment and never seemed to have lint rollers. They kept going like this with stupid little arguments, and Remus started to worry whether the therapist would simply tell them to sort it out themselves.

About two thirds into the session, Sirius' phone rang. 

"Excuse me for a moment", he said, sighing as he stood up. 

Remus felt awkward alone in the room with Dr. Parker. She was looking at him, observing like a cat about to pounce. They sat there for three minutes, yet it felt like forever with her gaze on him. When Sirius entered the room again, Remus was incredibly relieved.

"Remus, you won't believe this!" he said, smiling from ear to ear.

"What... what is it?" Remus asked quietly.

"James and Lily are getting married!" Sirius said, almost laughing from the delirious happiness he seemed to genuinely feel.

"Oh... great! That's so cool!" Remus did his best to feign excitement.

Sirius frowned. "You do remember who James is, right?" 

Remus stayed silent for a moment. "He's..." he started, unsure what to say.

Sirius' expression turned to horror. You had to give it to him, he was an excellent actor. "How can you not know who James is!?" he raised his voice, distraught. Remus was genuinely angry with himself for a moment for causing him to be upset.

"Remus, how could you? He's my best friend, I literally mentioned him last week!"

"Oh, right, you had plans with him on Saturday... I'm sorry", said Remus.

Sirius sat back down, huffing in disbelief.

"My best friend, Remus, since we were eleven!"

"I know, honey, I remember know", Remus didn't know what else to say.

"You know you should really take more of an effort to be in my life! It's like, when we hang out, it's just the two of us, and never any of your friends, you never want to go to football games with me and James, just... I have no words for this, Remus" he wrung his hands dramatically.

You just said quite a lot of words about it, Remus thought.

The therapist was waiting for them to stop, observing the turn of events. It was really creepy, and Remus started to feel uncomfortable. Once again he wished he hadn't agreed to this, but he was in it now. 

For the rest of the session, Sirius didn't look at him, scoffed at everything he said and sat with his arms crossed. Remus felt really bad about this, as if he was actually supposed to know who James was. Sirius was really just bullying him, and he knew it. He couldn't bring himself to fight back, though, and deep down he wished he could hurt Sirius like that. He pushed those feelings down, knowing he was just momentarily upset and it was unfair to think that way. At the end of the day, it was all about Sirius' little experiment .

Oh, the "experiment". Remus hated it. Remus wanted to punch Sirius every time that word left his mouth. It was ridiculous, it was horrible, it was completely out of character for Remus to do such a thing. He hated that he was wasting dr. Parker's time, he hated that Sirius paid for the entire sessions, he hated every little thing about it. It especially drove him mad when he thought about the fact that he had asked Sirius out for coffee and the man had declined for the good of the fucking experiment . 

Despite that, Remus looked forward to the next session, and hated himself for it a little bit. He wasn’t so lonely that he would have to rely on a creepy therapist and obnoxious man-child to be his only company. He was probably not even important to Sirius at all! The only thing he cared about was the experiment.

That was why Remus was so surprised that after the third session, Sirius asked him out himself.

"What about the experiment?" he asked bitterly.

"We can't keep it up for much longer without knowing each other, you not knowing my best friend of fifteen years is suspicious enough. It's fun, I don't want it to end this early", Sirius said.

Remus absolutely did not find it fun, but again, he did not want to let Sirius down.

"What about your niece's football practice?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "She's sick, she didn't go today".

"Alright", Remus sighed. "We can get coffee".

"Great!" Sirius grinned, pointing down the street. "I know a good coffee shop, it's just a five minute walk from here".

Remus grimaced as they began to walk, his hip hurting. He regretted deciding he wouldn't take his cane to these sessions. He didn't want Sirius to know, because what if he would think less of him? Then Remus would have to dislike Sirius, and he very much did not want to have to do that.

When they got to the coffee shop, Remus was relieved. It was the exact opposite of the therapist's office; there was actually a rug on the floor, and the walls were painted a soft beige with paintings of flowers in bronze frames. It did not look like decor Sirius would enjoy, but Remus appreciated it.

Sirius came up to the register, smiling at the barista charmingly.

“A black coffee with vanilla for me, and…” he turned to Remus.

“Cappuccino with almond syrup”, he said, “But-”

“That’ll be 8.50”, the woman said.

The moment Sirius pulled out his debit card, Remus stepped forward.

“Hey, no, let me pay for mine”.

Sirius shook his head. “It’s okay, you’ll get it next time”.

Remus raised his brows. “Next time?”

Sirius paid and turned back to Remus. “Yeah. You owe me now”, he smirked.

The two sat down at a rustic wooden table. Remus took note of the tablecloth. It looked hand-crocheted, with various fancy patterns.

He felt awkward sitting there in silence, but wasn’t exactly sure how to start a conversation.

“So, erm… Where are you from?” he asked.

“France”, Sirius said, looking at his nails. “You?”

Alright, rude, thought Remus, perhaps a bit too harshly. “The Welsh countryside”.

“Oh, cool”, Sirius smiled.

They fell back into uncomfortable silence. Their coffees were brought to them soon after, and Remus was upset. During the sessions, Remus was relentlessly bullied by Sirius. They barely ever talked outside of the therapists’ office, and somehow Sirius managed to really hurt him with his insults. Remus tried his best to fight back, but he found that, despite being an English teacher, he wasn’t as eloquent. He just didn’t know what would make sense. He hadn’t ever been in a long term relationship before, so he just couldn’t come up with anything couples would fight about.

Remus sipped his coffee, waiting for Sirius to say something. If he could talk so much at the sessions, then surely he could strike up a conversation here too.

“Your coffee order is weird” the man said finally.

Remus was stunned. What was wrong with a cappuccino? “Says the man drinking black coffee with vanilla”, he decided to bite back.

Sirius grinned. “Alright mr. almond syrup”.

“Anyway, erm…”, Remus hesitated, trying to keep the conversation going. “Tell me something about yourself. What’s your family like?”

Immediately, Sirius tensed up and looked away. Remus understood it was an extremely sensitive topic, but didn’t apologize right away. He waited to see what Sirius would say.

“Erm… they’re… not really in the picture for me”.

Remus knew it was a lie, or at least not the whole truth, but he knew better than to press him.

After that interaction, Sirius seemed even more aloof. He avoided every single question, even though he himself asked Remus a bunch of things. It made him uncomfortable, opening up to someone and getting nothing in return. The moment he finished his coffee, he cut Sirius off in the middle of his sentence.

“Look, I got to go”.

Sirius’ expression fell. “But-”

“Sorry, I’ll see you next week”, he said, trying his best to smile at the other man.

Once Remus got home, he started worrying. He felt pathetic, running away like that. He wasn’t truly comfortable talking about himself so much, but it still felt rude to leave. Sirius had seemed so upset by it, and he didn’t want him to be angry at him.

After a while, Remus forced himself to just get up and deal with it. He had work the next day and couldn’t afford to lay and overthink everything for hours. Still, at night he tossed and turned, wondering just how upset Sirius was and what really happened with his family. He had always thought Sirius was really cool, being mysterious and all with his motorcycle, but now it was starting to bother him that he couldn’t figure him out. It was weird – he had only known Sirius for three weeks, and for some reason he was the most intriguing person Remus had ever met.

Eventually, he fell asleep, and his dreams were haunted by a familiar man in a Bowie tshirt.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

I wanna be your slave, I wanna be your master
I wanna make your heartbeat run like rollercoasters
I wanna be a good boy, I wanna be a gangster
'Cause you could be the beauty and I could be the monster

When the next session rolled around, Remus decided to speak his mind. He didn't need to lie to be rude. He did not need to pretend to have issues with Sirius - they were... friends, sort of, now. It made sense that they had arguments sometimes. Yeah. It was completely okay to not be okay with everything.

Except for the fact that Remus' palms were sweating and he felt like he was going to cry if he said something mean. Last session, he was fuming! But today, he honestly wanted to go home. He was not up for being argued with. He had a plan, though. He had to stick to it. He was going to stick to it. He had to. The moment they sat down, he started talking.

"Sirius. In every single session, you have a lot to say. i understand. I know I can be annoying. But it's time for me to really speak my mind", he said, looking at Sirius meaningfully as he ended the sentence. 

Dr. Parker nodded slowly, giving Remus the time to gather his thoughts and figure out how to say it. 

"You never tell me anything about your family. I have never met your parents. I don't even know their names! I know nothing. I feel like because of that, I don't know you!"

Okay, maybe Remus was adding some dramatics. It was for the therapist. He didn't really feel like he didn't know Sirius because he didn't know his parents, he just didn't know him in general.

Remus didn't notice at first as he was caught up in his own thoughts, but Sirius didn't say anything. For once, he was silent. 

Dr. Parker waited for Sirius to process the words, but after two minutes, she spoke. 

"Sirius? Are you alright?" she asked. "What do you think about Remus' words?"

Remus and Dr. Parker simultaneously realised there were tears in Sirius' eyes.

"Hey", Remus said quickly, putting his arm around Sirius. "What's wrong?"

Sirius wiped his tears away, shuffling away from Remus.

"Sorry", he said. "Look, I would need a whole separate therapist for what my family did. I'm just... not comfortable talking about it. They're not in the picture for me. They never will be".

The therapist nodded. "I think you should respect that, Remus. Maybe one day Sirius will be healed enough to talk about it, but you shouldn't pressure him to things he isn't comfortable to do".

Remus nodded. "Of course. I understand. I just would have liked to know that before instead of being told nothing".

"I think we should take a break", Dr. Parker said. "Go walk around for a few minutes. Calm down a bit".

Sirius nodded, taking deep breaths. "Yeah. Yeah".

At the end of the session, Sirius looked happier. He had calmed down and his eyes weren't red anymore at all. 

Remus was curious. He wasn't sure if Sirius' tears were real - he knew that he was a very good actor, but he just seemed so... shaken. As if it was real. Again, he had done similar things in the past, to convince Dr. Parker it was all real. 

"I think me and Remus are taking steps towards a healthier relationship", he said, smiling. "Right love?" he turned to Remus, then leaned in for a kiss.

It was a second. A single second. A single second that altered Remus' brain chemistry forever. He was frozen in shock. Sirius Black had just kissed him. How did he feel about that?

...

Er...

"Right. I'm going to pick up my niece from football practice", Sirius said nonchalantly, springing up form his chair."

Remus needed to get up. He needed to stand up and face away from the therapist, otherwise she would see the look on his face. He stood up. Bumped his shoulder on the doorframe. Almost walked into the next wall. Forgot to say goodbye to Dr. Parker. 

His mind was spinning. He was going to explode. What had just happened?

He had predicted it. Sirius would go that far to convince Dr. Parker it was real. Why? Why did it matter to him that much? Would he really go that far just because he was bored? 

Realistically, Remus knew the answer was yes. He didn't know much about Sirius, but it definitely seemed like something he would do.

Remus walked home, forgetting he could take the bus. It took over two hours, and he wasn't quite sure he was going the right way, but he was in autopilot. Overthinking. Again.

He never really found Sirius attractive before. Hot? Yes. But attractive to him personally? No, not really. But now? Remus was like a teenager with a crush. He could not stop replaying that second in his head over and over again, a single moment that changed everything. How would he show up to the next session? Would he show up to the next session? Was there a next session? Or was Sirius done? He got his fun, he messed up Remus' entire view of him, and it was over. He would never see him again.

When he got home, Remus sat down on his bed and took out his phone. He opened his DMs with Sirius. 

I thought we were strangers, he typed. His thumb hovered over send. 

He didn't tap it. 

He was too scared that to Sirius it meant nothing. It was supposed to mean nothing. It was never supposed to mean anything.

Unfortunately, to Remus, it meant everything.

***

The following Saturday, Remus woke up at 10am to a DM from Sirius.

Hey Remus, would you mind coming over and helping my niece Dora with her essay?

Remus blinked. He blinked again.

Do you mean Nymphadora Tonks?

Yeah

She's my student

Oh, I didn't know

I set that essay

...Could you still help?

Fine

Remus sighed looking down at his phone as Sirius sent the adress.

He was going to Sirius' apartment. He would be in the same room as him again. He wasn't sure if he was ready for that.

Dora was a good student. She was nice, she had many friends, she was a hard worker. She was Sirius' niece. Damn.

Did she live with Sirius? Why?

Despite his confusion, Remus took a bus over to where Sirius lived.

His apartment was nice. There was a big living room and plenty of windows letting in natural light. Sirius was making lasagna for lunch.

"Hi!" he said enthusiastically, his face lighting up.

"Erm, hi" Remus responded. "So where's Dora?"

"Oh, right. Dora?" he called in the general direction of a door beside the couch.

The door opened, and Remus' thirteen year old student with bright pink hair walked into the living room.

"Oh. Hi mr. Lupin", she said, looking towards Sirius.

"Yeah... funny, isn't it?" said Sirius. 

Remus rolled his eyes. There was no way in hell Sirius hadn't known. It was probably Dora who told him when Remus finished work. 

Dora did not seem to taken aback, though.

"I had a few questions about the essay you set, mr. Lupin".

"Yeah, sure, of course, Dora".

----------------------------

Sirius watched as Dora took the essay from her room and set it down on the kitchen table. She and Remus started talking. Sirius wasn't paying attention to the words though. He was watching Remus, the way his hair fell on his forehead, how soft his lips looked when they parted to give Dora a tip about her writing. 

He remembered kissing Remus. It was magical. 

He wished he could do it again. 

Sirius hand grazed the frying pan. He pulled it away, cursing under his breath as he went to run his hand under cold water. 

Remus looked up at him, furrowing his brows. "You okay?"

"Yeah", he breathed, mesmerised by Remus' face.

It was magical. He was magical.

----------------------------

At some point, Dora excused herself to go to the bathroom.

Remus stood up from his chair and walked over to Remus.

"Hey, so..." he started talking. He then forgot what he wanted to say.

"Yeah?"

When Sirius turned to Remus, he realised something. Sirius was wearing a slip chain necklace. Oh god. Remus' throat went dry.

"I wanted to ask about, ah, erm..." Remus was struggling to form sentences. "You kissed me", he stated simply. 

Sirius looked at him for a moment, then sighed.

"Look, to be honest, at first I was trying to play the smitten boyfriend role, but..."

Remus waited, not blinking. But what? He needed to know. 

"But now that you mention it... Yeah, you're... pretty", Sirius said.

Remus could feel himself blushing. "Oh, erm..."

He didn't need to continue speaking, or trying to do so, because at that moment, Dora walked out of the bathroom, stifling a giggle. 

Remus realised she had heard everything. He blushed even deeper and grabbed his bag. 

"See you Wednesday", he muttered and rushed out of the door.

Chapter Text

The next Monday was torture for Remus. He had two hours with Dora's class. Dora, being a teenager, would not let go of what happened at Sirius' apartment. The entire two lessons she was smirking and giggling at Remus, staring at him intently, making sure he knew she knew.

In the end, Remus had had enough. As the second lesson ended, Remus asked her to talk to him.

"Yes, Mr. Lupin?" she asked, feigning innocence. She even fluttered her eyelashes - Remus had to suppress laughter.

"Dora, you can't be doing that in class".

"Doing what?"

Remus sighed. "My private life is none of your business. I am your teacher, and you cannot be bringing things like that into the classroom. It is inappropriate". He tried to keep his voice calm and kind. He never wanted to be a teacher kids were scared of - he knew from his own childhood just how discouraging that was.  He was relieved when Dora's face didn't show any fear. 

She nodded, and Remus knew she understood. She was a good kid - she pushed some boundaries and accepted that it was wrong. Remus watched as she turned and walked away, chattering with a small group of friends. He envied her, in a way. She was carefree and happy - everything he wished for and didn't get as a kid. Although, she might have not been as happy as she seemed - there was the mystery of why she lived with Sirius, who, as far as Remus knew, was not her father. He hoped she was okay. She really seemed like a good person.

***

In the next therapy session, Sirius was being overly touchy and sappy. He kept his hand on Remus' arm practically the entire time and called his terms of endearment constantly. Dr. Parker seemed happy with that - but Remus was just very confused. Was this another act? A sign that he wanted to end the sessions, signalling to the therapist that they were okay now? Or was Sirius doing this because he wanted to, because he actually liked Remus?

Everything was so goddamn confusing. Remus hated it.

But he loved it. He loved when Sirius called him honey, when he held his hand. It was overwhelming, amazing, so good. What else could Remus have hoped for? He had a beautiful man latched onto his arm, calling him darling. Unfortunately, he didn't know if it was real or not. He would give anything to know Sirius meant it, but there was just no way. What would he do? Ask him? Communicate like a responsible adult? No way.

Remus just had to make it through this session. Just twenty more minutes, just ten more, just five... and suddenly, he didn't want it to end. When Sirius let go of him, he felt empty and cold, like something was missing from his life. He felt like he felt everyday before he met Sirius.

Shit. He was really in over his head, wasn't he? He couldn't bear the thought of going home now.

"Sirius?" he asked as they exited the building.

"Yeah?" he answered, voice smooth and confident.

"Coffee?"

Sirius glanced at his wristwatch. "Erm... sure, Dora won't mind having some extra time to hang out with her friends after practice. I'll just text her, give me a moment.

Remus watched as Sirius' long fingers slid over the screen of his phone. It was hypnotising. He shook his head, trying to focus. They would go get coffee. Maybe Remus would say something. Maybe Sirius would explain unprompted. It would be okay.

They went to the same coffee shop as last time, and ordered the same coffee. Once again, they had things to say.

"Who even likes almond syrup?" Sirius just would not let it go.

"You drink black coffee!" Remus laughed, forgetting for a moment how nervous he was.

As they sat down, the butterflies in Remus' stomach seemed to wake up. He put his arm down on the table, trying to calm himself.

After a few silent sips of coffee, Remus noticed out of the corner of his eye that Sirius' hand was slowly making it's way to his own. The moment their skin touched, a shock went through Remus' body. His breath shallowed as he began to panic. They were not in the therapists office. It was not for show. It was real. It had to be. Or maybe Remus just thought that because he wanted it to be true? Maybe Sirius was just messing with him. That was very possible Sirius seemed like the type to do that. He was really just an asshole, wasn't he? Remus was always attracted to the worst people. He had a horrible taste in men, apparently. God, what was he thinking, it was horrible, he-

"Remus". Sirius' voice rang out, calm and soothing. "I can practically hear you overthinking". 

Remus glanced up at Sirius' face.

"I like you, Remus".

"You do?"

"Yeah", he nodded. "I think you like me too".

Remus swallowed, unsure of what to say. Sirius waited for him to speak, calm and collected.

"Yeah. I do".

Sirius smiled brightly, a sight that made Remus' stomach do a flip.

"Would you like to go out with me on Saturday?"

"Yeah. Erm... I mean... Sure".

"I know a good restaurant. Meet me there at 7?"

"Yeah".

"Great! I'll text you the address". 

With that, Sirius' phone pinged.

"Dora's getting impatient. Better go pick her up. See ya!"

Chapter Text

Remus was taking the bus to the date. It felt strange. Wasn’t the person who asked you out supposed to pick you up? Maybe Sirius only had the motorcycle and thought Remus wouldn’t want to go on it? Usually he would, but today, he was grateful.

It was a bad day, pain-wise. He almost decided to cancel the date, but decided against it. He had been so excited for it, he couldn’t cancel now. He could do it.

He got off at the stop closest to the restaurant. It was only a 10 minute walk, but even with his cane, which he reluctantly took with him, it was difficult.

Halfway through, he spotted a bench. He sat down with a sigh. He knew he would be late, but he just couldn't keep going.

He arrived fifteen minutes late. Sirius waved at him to join.

“You okay?”

“Yeah”, Remus said through gritted teeth. “Sorry for being late”.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re walking with a cane”.

Remus sat down carefully. “Osteoarthritis”, Remus said irritably.

“What’s that?”

“Breakdown of joint cartilage and underlying bone”, he recited like he had many times before.

“Is it like… genetic? Or did it happen?” Sirius asked.

“I had an accident a few years ago”, Remus said, very annoyed now. He hated having to explain this to every person he met.

“Oh? What happened?”

“How are your parents, then?” Remus snapped.

Sirius shut up.

He didn’t even apologize, he just stopped. Remus noticed he went too far. Sirius became aloof and the atmosphere was tense. It didn’t completely ruin the night, though. They got through dinner alright, chatting about their favourite dishes and drinks.

It was a nice Italian restaurant, and the choice was overwhelming. Remus ended up having mushroom tagliatelle, and Sirius had calzone. The food was really good, and Remus was having fun overall. He couldn’t stop watching Sirius’ hands, the way he grinned every time he looked up at Remus. It was just lovely. Everything Remus wanted.

Despite the uncomfortable start of the evening, he was feeling confident now. As they finished eating, Remus tried to think of a cute, maybe slightly cheesy line.

“Hey. Your hand looks heavy. I could hold it for you?”

Sirius laughed, his head falling back. Remus just watched the way his dark curls slipped off of his forehead. He offered his hand to Remus.

“We’re doing this now? Okay. Did you come out of an oven? Because you’re too hot to handle.”

Remus tried – and probably failed – to hide just how much that made him blush.

“There must be something wrong with my eyes. I can’t seem to take them off you”, Remus said. This one was very true.

“Do you have a mirror? Because I can see us together”, Sirius retaliated, now leaning forward, propping himself up on his elbows. It was adorable.

Remus was running out of witty lines, so he decided to take this opportunity. He leaned forward, and with an unexpected rush of courage, he said:

“I do too”, and kissed him.

Sirius returned the kiss… enthusiastically, to say the least. To the point where after a few seconds, Remus was uncomfortable kissing like that in public. He moved away slowly.

“Hey”. He whispered. “There are other people here, you know”.

Sirius looked around like he just noticed it now.  

“How about we get out of here then?” he said.

“Erm… sure”.

Sirius smiled, then called over the waiter.

“Let’s split the bill? You said it bothers you when I pay for everything”, he smirked.

It was supposed to be mischievous, but Remus blushed. Sirius had actually remembered what Remus said, and acted upon it. It was really sweet.

“Yeah, just split it in half”, he muttered, face down, trying to hide his blushing.

Once they paid, Sirius practically dragged Remus out of the restaurant. He walked up to a wall of the building that didn’t have any windows and leaned with his back against it.

Remus felt awkward now, like the moment had ended and it wasn’t right now, but Sirius was looking at him with those puppy dog eyes and oh, he would do anything for him. He dropped his cane and fell forward, catching himself with his hands on the wall on either sides of Sirius’ head.

He kissed him. Again and again and again, deeply and desperately. He would have not left that alleyway if not for the fact that that he had to catch the last bus back home.

But damn, was he falling for Sirius. It was going to be a problem.

***

However amazing and unforgettable their date was, it didn’t make up for the fact that Sirius started being a jerk in their sessions again. He said that if they were too nice with the therapist, she would deem it unnecessary. Remus couldn’t help but hope that Sirius just wanted to spend more time with him.

Nevertheless, it was still very annoying. They didn’t actually have these problems in their relationship, Sirius was making them up, and it was messing with Sirius. Your boyfriend is actually supposed to be nice to you, right?

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, Remus couldn’t stay mad at him for long. It took one wink of those beautiful eyes of his and he just melted.

This man would destroy him one day, Remus swore to himself.

Chapter Text

After a particularly bad session, Remus was just completely done. He knew the couples therapy wouldn’t go on forever, but he decided he would not take this treatment from Sirius any longer. When they walked out of Dr. Parker’s office, he told him.

Sirius’ eyes widened, and he looked genuinely scared.

“Remus, I’m so sorry”, he said. “It’s just pretend, I swear-”

“I know”, Remus sighed. “It’s still… I hate it, okay?”

“Okay. Okay, I won’t be that rude anymore,” he said, nodding. “Would you like to come over to my place and make some cookies or something? You seem like the type to like baking dates”.

Remus smiled, because he was the type to like baking dates.

“Sure”.

“Great!” Sirius smiled. “Dora skipped practice today, I don’t need to pick her up anyway”.

***

After a bit of discussion, Remus and Sirius settled on making carrot cookies.

Remus had never felt so at home. Standing in the kitchen, completing the most basic tasks like grating carrots or chopping margarine. Sirius was standing next to him, so he felt safe. Dora was hanging out with them, too, sat at the kitchen table doing her homework.

Thankfully, she had stopped snickering and making comments, and was being perfectly nice. She was being polite, but any signs of discomfort caused by your father figure dating your teacher had disappeared.

Remus and Dora had really warmed up to each other, which Remus wouldn’t mind, seeing as it was his boyfriend’s niece, if not for the fact that she was his student. He didn’t want to be accused of favouritism in his classroom.

The next day in the school canteen, Dora sat down with Remus.

“Hello”, he said to her, not particularly bothered.

“Hi”, she smiled.

Not good morning. During school hours, she was still supposed to treat him like any other teacher. He glanced up at her meaningfully.

She nodded, rolling her eyes briefly.

“What’s up, Dora?”

“Do you know Emery? She’s in my year”, she said.

“Yeah, I teach her, why?”

Over the next ten minutes, she explained how Emery was on her football team, and Dora thought she was cute, but didn’t know how to tell her.

Remus thought it was really sweet that she was telling him. Everything about this kid was sweet. She was genuine, full of optimism and excitable energy. She must have been through so much, and yet nothing doused the fire in her soul.

Dora seemed to like Remus, to look up to him. After another week, when Remus was drinking coffee in Sirius’ kitchen, she “accidently” called him uncle Remus. That really got to Remus on a deep level. Someone actually found him likeable, someone trusted him. It wasn’t like Sirius, who found him hot for some reason. Another human being made an effort to get closer him just because.

It warmed Remus’ heart so, so much. He had had a tough life. For a long time, he had thought he was not worthy of love. He thought he was so broken that nobody would ever find him trustworthy and safe. Now, he not only had a romantic relationship, but he was also Dora’s mentor, and according to her, apparently, uncle.

Sirius found this absolutely adorable, too. Remus could see his face lighting up whenever he interacted with Dora. One thing still bugged Remus, though. He knew it was probably rude to ask, but why did Dora live with Sirius? What happened to her parents?

He was waiting at the bus stop next to the school when Dora walked up to him.

“Hi”, she said. “Sirius is working overtime today, so I’m taking the bus”.

He decided it was time to finally ask.

“Hello, Dora. It’s not too far, is it?”

“No, it’s not, it’s alright”.

He took a deep breath. There was no Sirius here to get mad at him for it.

“Hey, erm… I have a question. Why… why do you live with Sirius?”

Remus watched Dora’s face. She didn’t seem upset by the question.

“My parents died when I was younger. I barely remember them, I-”

When she cut off, Remus thought it was because she was distressed, but then he followed where she was looking. Sirius had parked his motorcycle thirty or so feet away, and he was walking towards them.

“Hey”, he said, taking off his helmet. “Turns out they didn’t need me at the office after all”. He looked absolutely pissed off.

“Oh, nice, I don’t have to take the bus”, Dora said.

Sirius’ eyes were fixed on Remus. “I thought we talked about this”.

“She doesn’t mind!”

“I told you not to ask!”

Dora looked between the two of them. “Okay, I don’t know what this is about, but I’ll be waiting by the motorcycle”.

Sirius took a deep breath. “I’m not ready for this conversation”.

 “Okay. I’m sorry. I’ll just… go home”, Remus said.

Sirius nodded, visibly shaken. “Yeah”.

Remus understood this to some extent. Families were difficult. However, it really was time for Sirius to open up. He had told Remus that he felt safe with him. Time to act like it.

He was proud of Sirius for handling the situation maturely. He had barely raised his voice, he didn’t drag Dora into it, and he had truthfully told him he wasn’t ready. He was making progress, and Remus was happy for him.

Sirius would make it up to him. He would apologise, and do something cute and romantic. Then, it would happen all over again. It was frustrating, but it was a process. A slow process towards healing.

When Remus got home, he wasn’t angry at all anymore. He felt peaceful. He knew they would be okay, that despite Sirius’ frustration, they would get past this quickly. He enjoyed Sirius’ company so much, and he knew Sirius did too, that he wasn’t worried about this having any long term consequences for their relationship.

Overall, it was a good day. It was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

Sirius approached Remus the next day. He was brimming with excitement, Remus could practically see sparks flying off of him.

“Hiya, Remus, so erm… Lily and James wedding is next week, and don’t get mad but I kind of already RSVPed that I’d bring a plus one… so, would you like to go with me?”

Remus needed to process that information for a good moment, but he realised his silence made Sirius think he was upset.

“…Yes. Yes, of course, I’d love to go with you!”

Remus didn’t know it was possible, but Sirius lit up even more.

“Amazing! You finally get to meet James, and I’m sure Lily will love you, and oh, watch out for Mary, she’ll talk your ear off, oh and I do not want to wear matching suits under any circumstances, and-”

“Sirius!”

He cut off abruptly.

“Calm down. I don’t to wear matching suits either, don’t worry. I’m sure I don’t even have a suit similar to what you’d wear”.

“True. I’ll pick you up at 2 next Saturday?”

***

The two arrived at the wedding at 3pm. The venue was stunning: a renovated farmhouse, the wooden planks painted white. There was a garland of flowers over the entrance. Remus saw cars filing in from all directions. Apparently the Potters knew a lot of people. He wasn’t too surprised – Sirius made it clear just how extroverted James was.

He took a deep breath.

“Ready?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah”, he said.

They stepped out of the car.

The inside of the venue was even more beautiful. To the left of the entrance, there were rows and rows of chairs facing a wedding arch. There were flower petals laying along the aisle. There were leaves wrapped around the light cords. It seemed like a fire hazard, but it was very pretty.

To the right of the entrance was the dining area. Tens of tables with white tablecloths surrounded the bride and groom’s seats, which were marked by golden napkins. Remus’ eyes scanned the room for familiar names on the seating cards, but was quickly pulled away from it by Sirius ushering him along.

In the middle of the hall was the dance floor. Remus imagined dancing with Sirius. He promptly realised he didn’t know how to dance.

The ceremony began a few minutes later. Sirius was James’ best man, of course, so Remus was left sitting among strangers. James stood by the wedding arch, absolutely beaming with happiness. This was the first time Remus was seeing him, and he had to admit, he was quite handsome.

He had darker skin, brown eyes and black hair. He wore a classic black suit. His hair was slightly messy, even on his wedding day, and he was fidgeting with his hands. He was looking around nervously, waiting for his bride.

He didn’t have to wait long. Lily emerged from the side room looking absolutely stunning. Her dress was long and flowy, and the veil dragged behind her adding extra length. The neckline was heart shaped, and she had some gold glitter dusted on her collarbone. There were lilies weaved through her wavy red hair.

As she walked up the aisle, Remus heard the man beside him crying.

“Aren’t they beautiful?”

Remus furrowed his brows, scooting away from him.

“Shut up and watch, Monty”, a woman next to him, probably his wife, reprimanded softly.

The couple went through their vows, which were absolutely heartwarming. They seemed like a really good fit. Finally, the ordainer said the words:

“Do you, Lily Evans, take this man as your husband?”

“Yes”, she said through tears of happiness.

“And you, James Potter, do you take this woman as your wife?”

“Yes”.

“You may now kiss!”

***

After the ceremony, the guests started to shuffle around the hall, trying to find their seats. Trying to walk through the crowd of people, Remus caught a glimpse of a face he recognized.

“Mrs. Meadows!”

The tall woman turned around, eyes searching for who called her name. Her emerald dress contrasted her dark skin. Her hair was braided, gold pins keeping the braids up on her head.

“Oh, Mr. Lupin! I didn’t know you knew the Potters”.

“I don’t”, Remus said. “I’m, erm… I’m here with Sirius”.

Dorcas’ face was blank for a moment, then lit up. “Sirius? That’s adorable, I mean, sorry, that sounded wrong. You seem good for each other”.

Remus was blushing wildly by now. “Thanks”, he muttered.

Dorcas turned her head. “Marlene! Come, look who’s here!”

Marlene Meadows was a specific person. Remus didn’t know her that well, but she seemed very outgoing and enthusiastic. Today, she was wearing a suit that matched the colour of Dorcas’ dress. She wore very high heels that made her match Remus’ height.

“Mr. Lupin! What a surprise, who are you here with? I need to know the gossip”, she turned to her wife.

“I’m here with Sirius’, Remus said.

“Oh that’s lovely! About time he got a partner”.

Dorcas rolled her eyes. “Sorry to pester you. Have a great time tonight!”

“Thank you”, Remus said. “Though actually, could I ask about Emery?”

“Is she having trouble in your class?” Dorcas furrowed her brows.

“No, actually, Sirius’ niece, Dora, was asking about her. I think she has a crush”.

Marlene giggled. “That’s adorable! So you want us to tell you a bit more about her and report back to Dora?”

“Erm… yes, essentially”, Remus said, realising that it was a bit embarrassing to ask that of a woman he barely knew.

“Alright, let’s sit down then, alright?” Dorcas asked. “It looks like we’re at a table together along with Sirius”.

Remus had no idea what he had gotten himself into in that moment. Marlene and Dorcas were apparently able to talk about their daughter for hours on end. By the time they finished eating, Remus knew Emery’s favourite colour, the name of her first teddy bear and what specific food she decided she would only eat for months at age 4. It was sweet, in a way. It was obvious they love her very much, but Sirius was getting bored of the conversation.

He asked Remus to go over to another table with him. His friend Peter, Lily’s best friend Mary and her family were at it, and Sirius decided their conversation also looked dull and that he could make it more interesting. Although that sentence scared Remus as to what Sirius meant, he really couldn’t bear another minute of talking about Emery’s obsession with seashells.

“Hiya Pete”, Sirius said, sauntering up to the neighbouring table.

“Hi Sirius”, Peter said, not looking up from his plate.

“We haven’t seen each other in a while, how have you been?”

“Maybe you would know if you bothered to spend any time with me”, Peter said grumpily.

“Hey, I’ve been busy!”

“You went to two football games with James in the past three months, and you went to the movies another three times. Would it kill you to invite me from time to time?”

Remus did not know what possessed Sirius to strike up a conversation with someone he’d been ignoring for months, but he knew he did not like where this was going.

“Hey Siri, maybe we should go”.

Peter scowled at Remus.

“Yeah, maybe you should”.

“Hey, no need to be rude to him, Peter”, Mary said.

Peter withdrew from the argument, pretending not to hear Mary.

“Hello, erm… Mary, is it?”

“Yes, nice to meet you, you’re Sirius’ boyfriend, right? Remus?”

“Yes, I am”.

“Well, I’ve known him for fifteen years, he doesn’t deserve you”.

“Excuse me?” asked Sirius dramatically, throwing his hair over his shoulder.

Mary laughed. “He’s a good guy, but he doesn’t deserve you”.

Mary seemed nice, but Remus needed to get away from there. He didn’t even know these people. He turned to Sirius.

“Hey, how about we go talk to James and Lily?”

“Sure, that sounds good”, Sirius said, taking Remus’ hand.

Remus heard Peter mutter a final “Yeah, you do that”, at them as they walked away.

Remus was excited to finally meet James. He sounded like a perfect person, at least from Sirius’ stories. They’d apparently been best friends since they were eleven, and had been inseparable ever since.

James was slightly shorter than Remus, but still tall. He was of Indian descent, and Remus suspected the man he was sitting next to during the ceremony was his father. James’ eyes seemed to literally sparkle. He just looked very, very happy.

“Sirius!” He shouted upon seeing them, and threw himself at his best friend.

“Hey, James”, Sirius said, wrapping his arms around him. “Congratulations! Honestly, nobody thought you’d get this far”.

“Rude”, James remarked.

“Makes sense”, Lily said. “You were horrible in school”.

James started to protest, but then realised that was a bit true. “I’m not horrible anymore, though”.

“No, you aren’t”, Lily assured him. “I have common sense, you know? I wouldn’t’ve married you otherwise”.

To Remus, that seemed quite mean, but James just smiled wider.

“Thank you, darling”, he said, kissing her.

To be fair, she did look overjoyed. She obviously loved him a lot.

“Alright James, let’s not make them uncomfortable. Sirius, are you going to introduce us?”

“Why of course, Lily”, Sirius said theatrically. “This is Mr. Remus Lupin”.

Lily smiled politely. “Nice to meet you, Remus”.

“Nice to meet you too”, he replied.

“I think we’ll get along well. We both have loveably insuffereable men for partners”, she said.

Remus grinned. “Yeah, you could say that”.

“But really”, she said, furrowing her brows. “He hasn’t been giving you trouble, right?”

“No, he’s amazing”, said Remus. He meant it – he was really happy with Sirius. He could wax poetic about it for hours, to be honest, but this was Lily and James’ day.

“So, how’d you two meet?” he asked.

James and Sirius slowly drifted away from them, catching up about their own matters as Lily began telling the story. They had met in school, and for the first two years they both thought the other was annoying. By the third year, however, James was absolutely smitten. Lily still didn’t like him, though, and they only started dating in their last year of school.

Remus listened patiently. It wasn’t like Dorcas and Marlene’s story – Lily wasn’t gushing over James like he was a little puppy, she told the truth. She told him James used to be truly horrible, and Sirius had been, too. They were bullies, spoiled kids who didn’t understand their actions had real impact. According to Lily, however, by the time they were 15 they had changed completely, and were now kind and well – adjusted adults, if only a bit dramatic.

Remus had to agree with that. Sirius was an absolute drama queen, but to him, it was endearing. He salvaged the stories form their childhoods, knowing Sirius wouldn’t be willing to tell them himself. It was the most he ever heard anyone talk about him, really.

The night went on, and he found himself spending more time with Lily. He talked to James, too – he seemed like an okay guy. He saw how close he was with Sirius, and he expected to feel a bit of jealousy about that, but somehow, he didn’t. They were just like brothers, having grown up together as best friends. It filled him with warmth and optimism, seeing such a close bond between two people.

He had a great time overall. He didn’t think he would, in the beginning. His leg was hurting, but it wasn’t too bad of a day. He could sit down any time he wanted to with the amount of seating in the venue. In the end, he even managed to dance a little bit, despite not really knowing how to. He was glad to finally meet Sirius’ friends. They were really more like family, though, with Sirius’ relatives out of the picture.

Sirius drove Remus home at 4am. Despite being incredibly tired, a plan was already forming in his mind. He had information about Emery that he could give Dora. In exchange, maybe he would ask about Sirius? Maybe not even anything about his family, just about him. He realised he really enjoyed hearing the stories, and Dora was sure to have some. He would get to it tomorrow, though, or the same day, technically? Now, he needed to sleep.

Chapter Text

The next day was Sunday. Remus slept in, finally getting out of bed around 1pm. His first thought was Dora. He felt bad that he was going to try to exchange information with her. It was a bit of an invasion of Sirius’ privacy, but Remus felt it was necessary. It was time. They were really close, but because of his Sirius’ trauma, it felt like there was an unbreakable wall between them anyway.

It was nerve racking. He knew what he was going to do was wrong, but Sirius refused to communicate with him about it at all, so what else he was supposed to do? Even though Sirius would see it as a betrayal of his trust, even though Remus was painfully aware of how this ended last time, it was as if he couldn’t physically stop himself. His limbs were moving, his heart was beating, every breath he took was painful. He needed  to know.

He picked up his phone. He opened his contact list and found Dora’s number. She answered after 4 rings.

“Hey, Dora?”

“Yeah?”

“You won’t believe it, I met Emery’s mums at that wedding I went to yesterday. They told me all about her! If you’d like to meet up, I’ll tell you everything”.

“Oh my god, yes please! Meet me in the park in twenty minutes?”

“Yeah, I should have a bus soon. Meet you there”.

He hang up.

Before leaving, he opened up his messages with Sirius.

Hey, he sent.

Do you think we should cancel the couples therapy appointments? It’s kind of pointless now anyway

Yeah, can you do that? Sirius responded.

I’ll text her tonight

Okie xx

Remus shut his phone off.

His stomach churned. He took the bus over to the park. His hip was hurting today, and it was only making him feel worse about what he was about to do. He spotted Dora sitting on a bench, so he walked up to her.

“Hiya!” she shouted upon seeing him. “What do you know? I’m so excited!”

“Slow down, kid”, Remus laughed. “So at Lily and James’ wedding I was assigned a table with Dorcas and Marlene, Emery’s mums. They would not shut up about their daughter, it was quite tiring to be honest”.

“I don’t think I could ever tire of listening about Emery”, Dora said dreamily.

Remus found this extremely cute. She was young and absolutely smitten, and just so, so gay. It was heartwarming, seeing someone obsessed with another person, going to such lengths to get to know them better. Maybe it was a little creepy, but sweet.

“Okay tell me what they said!” she said enthusiastically.

“Alright, alright”, Remus said, sitting down.

He told the entire story, everything he could remember. Even the embarrassing bits – he needed to tell her as much he could, so he could get as much out of her as possible in return. He watched her eyes light up with joy and laughter, listening intently as he described Emery’s childhood, likes and dislikes and hobbies. Was it invading Emery’s privacy? Probably. Remus felt sick, like he was a horrible person for telling Dora this.

“Thank you so, so much!”

“Yeah, no problem”, Remus said.

He sat next to her silently for a moment, trying to work up the courage to ask about Sirius. He was fighting with himself, not knowing what mattered more to him – knowing or doing what was right. He didn’t want to betray Sirius’ trust, but at the same time, it was time for him to find out the truth.

Before Remus could make up his mind, Dora stood up.

“Thanks again. I’ll text Emery tonight, maybe we’ll hang out”.

“Yeah, good luck”.

***

That evening, Remus was sitting on Sirius’ couch drinking tea. His eyes flickered over to his boyfriend every once in a while. They were quiet, enjoying each other's presence. Dora was with them, too, although she was not happy about the silence, shifting in her seat every few seconds.

Remus lost track of time, the soothing feeling of being surrounded by your loved ones dulling his senses, but at some point Sirius looked at the clock.

“It’s late”, he said. “`I’ll go shower now, unless you need a ride home?” 

“No, it’s alright, I have a bus”, Remus said.

Sirius stood up, stretched, and kissed Remus on the top of his head. As soon as he closed the bathroom door behind him, Remus turned to Dora.

“Hey, you know how I gave you info on Emery?” he asked.

The girl shifted in her seat once again, leaning forward. “You’re going to ask me about my family again, aren’t you?” she asked in a hushed tone. 

“If you don’t mind”, Remus responded. “I don’t want to pressure you”.

Dora grinned. “Nah, it’s fine. What do you want to know?”

“Well, I know your parents died”, he said. “Sorry”, he added quickly. “That was kind of badly phrased”.

“It’s alright, really. I told you I can’t even remember them much”.

“Okay. So obviously you knew Sirius wasn’t your dad, because he’s what - only fourteen years older than you?”

“Yeah, give or take a few months”.

“Sirius is your uncle. On what side?” Remus asked.

“Oh, let’s see. So my grandpa is Sirius mum’s brother. I think. The family tree is a bit complicated”.

Remus heard the shower running. The coast was clear to ask more questions.

“What are Sirius’ parents like?”

“I’ve never met them”, said Dora. “I know they were bad people. I think they’re still alive, but Sirius hasn’t mentioned them in ages. As you can tell, he doesn’t really like talking about them”.

“Oh”, Remus said. “Does he have any siblings?”.

Dora’s face fell. For a moment, Remus’ heart sank, thinking he found a topic Dora was not comfortable discussing. 

“He had a younger brother”.

“Had..?”

“He… he died a while ago. Seven or eight years. I don’t remember him too well, he and Sirius fell out only a year after I was adopted”.

“Oh, I’m so sorry”.

“I know they were really close before they fell out - Sirius was never quite the same after it happened. I was too young to really understand it then, but when he told me… it sounded like it was a suicide”.

Remus stared at her blankly. He didn’t know what to say.

“I have some evidence towards this theory”, Dora continued. “I try to talk about him sometimes, with differing success. It turns out that Regulus was trans. Since their parents were such horrible people, I assume at some point they found out and weren’t happy. They probably made his life hell”.

“Oh”, Remus said. Wow, he was really contributing to the conversation. What could he say in this situation? Sorry that your uncle’s younger brother killed himself because his parents didn’t accept him ? He had not dealt with these sorts of topics before, and he realised just how much the children he taught have been through, and how badly they needed support. He promised himself in that moment to educate himself more on mental health. He knew that some of his students had issues at home, and he wished he knew how to help them.

Dora looked down at the rug. “Sorry, I know this is not the most appropriate thing to talk about with my teacher”.

“No, no, it’s fine, Dora, really, thank you”, said Remus. “I might talk to Sirius about it. Gently, when he’s ready. Regulus sounds like a good guy, and I wish I could’ve-”

A sound interrupted him. He looked over his shoulder to see Sirius, hand open, hairbrush fallen onto the floor. Remus hadn’t even noticed when the shower turned off or when the door opened - he was too preoccupied with his conversation.

He watched the look on Sirius’ face turn from shock to pure, unfiltered anger.

“No”, he said shakily.

Remus sat there, frozen.

“Dora, go to your room”, Sirius said quietly. 

She did, not wanting to get in the way of what she knew was going to happen.

“Sirius”, Remus started.

“No!” he yelled. “The one thing I asked of you is to not ask about my family, and then you go and dig up the worst things that ever happened to me! You do not deserve to know anything . Especially about Regulus”.

“I did this because I care about you!” Remus said, standing up. “I want to know what’s up so I can understand you and help you!”

“This can’t be fucking helped, Remus, my brother is dead! You do not get to decide what will help me. I have been fine, I don’t need you meddling and messing it all up again!”

“You can’t just push this all down forever!”

“I can do whatever the fuck I want. I will tell you one more time: never assume you can understand this. Never assume you can help me by just knowing stuff about my family!”

“I need to know who I’m dating! You don’t tell me anything! Who was Regulus, Sirius? What happened between you two?”

“What is wrong with you? I told you to stop and you’re just pressing the subject?”

“You’ll have to tell me eventually, I’m your boyfriend for fuck’s sake, not a stranger!”

“Get the fuck out of my house!”

“What?” 

“Get out! Get out, get out, get out!” Sirius yelled, pulling the door open. “You clearly can’t respect simple boundaries, so get out!”

Remus did get out. He got out because Sirius was an idiot, and he was clearly in the wrong. He needed some space to realise that. Yeah, nothing else to it. Remus didn’t want to keep arguing, especially in front of Dora.

The bus ride home was accompanied by a strange feeling of emptiness. Once his emotions cooled, Remus realised he did cross a boundary, but he still felt that he was owed an explanation. He also felt that this wasn’t a fight that would just resolve itself.

When he finally got into his own apartment, Remus crashed onto the floor. He picked up his phone and found Dr. Parker’s number. She answered after 5 rings.

"Hello?"

“Good evening Dr. Parker, sorry for calling at such a late hour”.

"Yes, it is quite late. You sound rather exasperated, Remus, is everything alright?"

“I need to tell you something”.

Remus told Dr. Parker all about the experiment. The tweet, the lies, the coffee and how Remus actually fell for Sirius.

"Well, this is all very surprising. Look, I get paid no matter what, so I don’t really mind. Is there a reason you’re telling me all this?"

“Yes”, Remus said. “We were going to cancel the sessions, because all of the problems were made up and then we actually started dating so the experiment didn’t really make sense anymore, but… I did something bad”.

"Oh?"

“I asked Sirius’ niece about his family. He didn’t like that. Well, he yelled at me and made me leave his apartment. So I was wondering if we could do one more session?”

"We could, but I doubt Sirius will be willing. If he is, we can meet at our normal time. Goodnight".

Dr. Parker was apparently not taking any bullshit this late at night. She hung up on him. Remus let his phone drop from his hand. She was right - Sirius would probably not be willing to go to another session after this. He had until Wednesday to convince him.

Chapter Text

You’ll be the saddest part of me

A part of me that will never be mine

It’s obvious

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest

You’re still the oxygen I breathe

I see your face when I close my eyes

It’s torturous

Tonight Is gonna be the loneliest

Hey

I’m sorry, I was a bit out of line

Can we talk about it?

Sirius didn’t respond. 

Did Remus think he was 100% to blame? No. Was he freaking out? Absolutely. He definitely made a mistake, and he was willing to admit it, but Sirius needed to see he was being dramatic. They had been dating for months! He deserved to know something.

Remus woke up on Tuesday morning, still without a response. It was painful, feeling that you hurt someone you loved so much. He wished everything could just go back to normal without any awkward talks or apologies. He was a bit selfish, yes, but he hated talking to Sirius about anything negative. 

That day, Remus approached Dora at school.

“Hey, how is Sirius?” he asked. 

“Not too good. I made him breakfast today, but he didn’t eat it. I’m worried about him”.

“Me too. I messed up, I know, but I need him to talk to me and he just won’t answer”.

“I shouldn't've told you anything, I knew it caused problems in the past”, said Dora. 

“No, don’t blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. Could you talk to him when you get home, though?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll try to make him text you back”.

“Thank you, Dora, you’ve been a real help. Sorry for dragging you into all of this”, he said. “Good job on your essay, by the way, it was really great”.

“Thanks!” she said, a smile lighting up her face. “See you tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, see you tomorrow”.

***

Remus barely made it home. He once again collapsed on the floor, burying his face in his hands. The session was tomorrow, and he couldn’t even get Sirius to talk to him, let alone Dr. Parker. He picked up his phone and tried texting him once again. 

Hey

I told Dr. Parker about the experiment and all that happened recently

She said we should come in tomorrow if you’re up to it

No response. 

Remus’ thoughts were a dark spiral, going down and down and down infinitely. He simply could not lose Sirius. Sirius, the one light in his life, the one thing that made everything bearable, even worth it.

Remus did not know positive coping mechanisms. He was never really faced with a situation like this before. Yes, his life had been tough, but the thought of losing Sirius was worse than anything that had ever happened to him before.

The only coping mechanisms he knew were destructive ones – the only thing that could make him better was destroying himself even more. He reached for a bottle, he reached for a joint, he chipped away at his body and mind until there wasn’t enough for it to hurt anymore.

At some point, he heard his phone ping. He basically jumped at it, spilling his drink, scrambling to see if Sirius had finally texted him. 

It wasn’t him. It was Dora, and she wasn’t texting him to tell her what she talked to Sirius about. Remus threw his phone across the room.

---------------------------------------------------

“Sirius, please”, she said. “I’m worried about him. He’s not responding to any of my messages”.

“Well, it’s none of your business. He chose to be an asshole to me, so he deserves anything that’ll happen to him now”.

“He’s a human being!” Dora shouted. She never shouted at Sirius before, they usually got along very well, but she never felt this angry in her life. “Remus made a mistake, a big one, and-”

“And you’re the one who helped him make it!”

“So it’s my fault now? You loved him. That doesn’t go away after one fight!”

Sirius fell silent. Dora realised he never really said he loved Remus, but she could see it. She could see it in the way he squeezed his hand, ran his fingers through his hair, looked into his eyes. It was love – pure and seemingly indestructible. She was even more sure that Remus oved Sirius – and that was why she was so worried about him now.

“You did love him, right?” she asked softly.

“Yeah”, Sirius said. “I’m not sure I do anymore, though”.

“Can we please just go to his apartment? Just to check on him”.

Sirius sighed. “I guess we can. I’m not talking to him, though”, said Sirius.

“That’s okay. I just want to see him”.

“Alright Dora. Let’s go then”.

***

They could smell it through the door. As she knocked, Dora already knew she wouldn’t like what she’d see. The two waited for a minute, but when they didn’t hear a response, Dora pressed the door handle. It was open.

Remus was on the floor with several empty bottles next to him. The air was thick with the stench of weed. As Sirius stepped into the apartment, he seemed to wake up a bit.

“Go away”, he mumbled.

Dora didn’t move. She wasn’t ready to see her teacher in this state.

Remus turned over to face away from the door. Dora glanced at Sirius. He sighed and walked up to him.

“Dora is worried about you”, he said mechanically.

“She shouldn’t be. Go away”.

“Open your eyes”.

“No, go away” he groaned.

Dora finally forced herself to move. She walked to the kitchen and poured some water into a cup. She kneeled next to Remus and handed it to him.

“You should drink some water”.

“No, I shouldn’t”, he said. “You should get out of my apartment”.

She put the cup up to his lips. He gave in and took a few sips. He let his head fall back as water dribbled down his chin. He didn’t open his eyes, he didn’t even speak another word.

Dora looked up at Sirius, who was standing a few feet away, cold, seemingly not caring.

“Will you help me get him to bed?” she asked.

“What?” he hissed.

“I’m not going to leave him on the floor”, she said.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Fine”.

Dora grabbed Remus’ ankles and Sirius grabbed his shoulders. They half-dragged, half-carried him over to his bedroom and managed to put him down on his bed. Dora saw Sirius pause, looking at Remus’ unmoving form.

“He’s breathing, right?” Dora whispered.

Sirius shrugged and walked out of the room. Dora stayed there for a moment longer to make sure Remus was, in fact, alive, and followed him out. She joined Sirius on the apartment building’s staircase.

“He’ll be okay”, she said.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you should care”.

“Well, I don’t. He needs to realise he was one hundred percent in the wrong”.

“He was”, Dora said. “And I’m sorry I told him everything, but in a way, he needed to know”.

“I should have made the decision to tell him”, Sirius grumbled.

“But you were never going to, Sirius”.

He fell silent. Dora knew it was true – he would just keep running away from his past forever. He wouldn’t let even the people closest to him know anything – Dora knew only because she was family and it was inevitable, and James knew because, well, he was family too. Nobody else knew what happened to Regulus Black. Dora wasn’t sure if anybody would ever know if she hadn’t told Remus.

She knew Sirius would come around eventually – he had to. For now though, she would let him wallow in his feelings for a while – he deserved to process his emotions at his own pace. Remus would realise he was at fault, too, and then everything would be okay, because it had to be, because it always was.

When Dora got home, she left Sirius alone. She didn’t speak a word to him, she just took a shower and went to sleep. He needed quiet time sometimes, even though he always seemed so loud during the day.

Even that bubbly of a person was sad from time to time – Dora was taught to understand that from a young age. She supposed she was raised differently to Sirius – and that made them very, very different people, but she still loved him. He raised her, fed her, made her feel safe even when the world wasn’t. This time, she would make sure that Sirius would be safe.

Chapter Text

I’m on my knees when I’m beggin’
‘Cause I don’t wanna lose you
Hey yeah ra-ta-ta-ta
‘Cause I’m beggin’, beggin’ you
And put your loving hand out, baby

This time, Remus texted Lily.

He had woken up in his bed, not quite sure of how he got there. It took him some time to realise that Sirius had come to his apartment. Dora had been there, too.

Oh. Dora. Remus immediately felt a thick sense of guilt settle in his chest. She shouldn’t have been there. She was a child, she shouldn’t have had to see that. He was her teacher!

Remus went to work that day horribly hungover. Thankfully his last class was cancelled and he got home early.

Despite his raging headache, Remus was determined to get Sirius back. He asked Lily to meet up for coffee, and forty-five minutes later they were at a café.

They had become friends after Lily’s wedding, texting frequently. She was kind-hearted, a truly positive person who always saw the best in everyone. Remus wasn’t sure if that was good for this type of conversation, though.

Remus ordered an almond cappuccino, Lily asked for a vanilla latte. First, they caught up. Lily talked about her and James’ honeymoon in Greece, Remus talked about his work, but then he got to the point.

“I made a mistake”, he admitted.

“Oh?”

“I was a complete asshole to Sirius”, Remus said. It just now really dawned on him how hurtful this must have been to him. It was entirely Remus’ fault.

“I’m sure it’ll be okay Remus”, Lily said comfortingly.

“I wouldn’t be so sure”, he said. “I asked Dora about his family after he explicitly asked me not to”.

Lily set down her mug. “That’s… the number one thing Sirius is stingy about. For a good reason, too. Have you apologized?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know, to be honest, it’s all a blur”.

“I don’t want to lose him”, Remus blurted out.

“You won’t. Just apologise properly”.

“It’s not that simple. He doesn’t want to talk to me”.

“Well, I’ll ask James to talk some sense into him. He’s always had that effect on Sirius. You need to be honest, though, Remus. Own up to your mistake”.

“I know. Thank you, Lily. Thank you so much”.

The topic changed after that, Lily purposefully redirecting the conversation to something more pleasant. She didn’t want Remus to stew in bad emotions. Remus left the café feeling much better than when he walked in.

Two hours later, Remus’ phone pinged. He picked it up immediately, hoping it was Sirius. Instead, it was Lily.

James talked to him

He said he’ll consider it

Go and apologise, but be gentle, okay?

Yes, Remus replied.

Thanks again

Remus ran. He didn’t even bother to wait for a bus. It was normally a half hour walk to Sirius’ place, he made it there in under twenty. His hip hurt like hell and it started buckling halfway through, but Remus couldn’t care less. He was willing to go through any amount of pain to see Sirius.

He collapsed at his door, panting. He took a moment to collect himself, then stood up, relying greatly on his cane. He knocked on the door, three times, slowly. Then, he waited.

There was a commotion inside, Remus heard footsteps, muttering and a crashing sound.

“Who is it?” Sirius’ voice came from inside.

“It’s me”, Remus replied, perhaps unhelpfully, but Sirius recognised his voice instantly.

“No”, he simply said.

“Sirius, I need to talk to you, please just open the door, I am so, so, sorry”.

He didn’t get an answer.

Remus sank back down onto the floor, trying not to cry. He couldn’t help it. Tears started streaming down his face. He reached into his pocket and felt the familiar shape of a small notebook and pen he always kept with him.

He thanked his past self for this – he always had something to write with and on, just in case. He ripped a page out of the notebook and started writing.

I was out of line. I was wrong. I hurt you.

I wish I could take it all back.

I wish I could go back in time and stop myself, tell my past self how horrible I was being.

He slipped the note under the door, knocking softly.

There was shuffling, then he heard the paper being picked up. Sirius said nothing, but sat down against the door just like Remus.

He took out another piece of paper.

I love you

I want to be with you

I want you to know that I understand my mistake and that I am truly, deeply sorry

I want to know what I can do to make it up to you

This time, Sirius picked it up immediately. After a few seconds he heard the unmistakable sound of paper ripping. Remus stifled a sob. He took a few deep breaths. Try again, he thought to himself. Sirius hadn’t told him to leave. He just had to be patient.

Tell me what you need, Sirius, I’ll do it

I would do anything for you

This is the only way I can show you how sorry I am

After Remus passed that note, Sirius stood up. Remus felt as though his heart stopped. He didn’t breathe for the thirty seconds it took Sirius to come back. A minute later, Remus saw the note come back to him under the door. He turned it over.

 
I don’t know what I need

I don’t know what I feel

Remus was surprised at how vulnerable Sirius was being, despite being so angry at Remus.

It’s okay , Remus wrote underneath.

Dr. Parker said we could come back today, if you want

He passed the note. This time, it took Sirius longer to respond.

Okay

Immediately after passing that note, Sirius got up and walked away. Remus sat there for another while trying to process everything. This was good. It was better than before, at least.

Remus headed home. He took a bus this time, as the adrenaline wore off and the pain was starting to get even worse. He showered, got dressed in his favourite jumper and even did his hair.

Then, he waited. He sat on his bed, staring at the wall until it was time to leave for the appointment. He didn’t know what he felt anymore, it was a strange mix of excitement, hope and fear.

He arrived at Dr. Parker’s office at the same moment as Sirius. He didn’t say a word to him, but reached for his hand as he knocked on the door. Sirius pushed it away. Dr. Parker opened the door a second later, an amused look on her face.

“Hello Mr. Lupin, I was quite surprised when you called me. I have never had a fake patient before”.

“To be fair, it was my idea”, said Sirius.

Dr. Parker smiled. “Well, it was definitely interesting. Now, tell me again what brings you in today”.

It took about half an hour for them to tell the story from both perspectives. During that time, it really sank in just how much of a prick Remus had been. He could see now that, even though his want to know more was justifiable, his actions weren’t.

Dr. Parker told him that and more. It was the first time Remus actually experienced proper advice from her. It wasn’t that she gave him bad advice before, just that it didn’t apply to him, as most of their issues were entirely made up.

Then, she turned to Sirius.

“I think you know what this stems from, Mr. Black”, she said calmly.

“Yes, I know why I don’t feel comfortable sharing things about my past, it’s quite obvious, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Now, if you don’t mind answering, have you ever been to therapy? As in real therapy, not wasting your money and making up problems for fun”.

“No”, Sirius mumbled.

“I advise you to do that, Mr. Black. There are things you need to process one on one with a specialist. I’m simply not equipped to do that here”.

Sirius nodded.

“I promise I’ll do so”, he said to Remus. “And I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you out when you tried to apologise”.

“It’s okay, love”, said Remus.

He didn’t really care about Sirius apologising to him. It wasn’t his fault and Remus was just happy that they were working through this. Together.

***

After the session, the two of them went back to Sirius’ house. Dora was at her friend’s house, so they had the place to themselves. Sirius lit the fireplace and put on some music.

“Wow, I really do have the best boyfriend ever. Soul Love? You even have a good music taste!” said Remus.

“Oh, you flatter me”, said Sirius, then kissed Remus softly. “Want to dance?”

“It’s not really a song to dance to, is it?”

“Anything is possible”.

“Erm… sorry, Sirius, it’s just that my hip is hurting a lot today”, Remus said.

“Well, you should’ve just said so”, said Sirius, sitting down on the couch. “Come here”.

Sirius grabbed a blanket and covered them both. He hugged Remus tight.

In that moment, Remus realised that Sirius really was the perfect man. Kind, forgiving, understanding, and also very, very hot. He turned his head to kiss him again.

“I love you so much, Sirius”, he whispered against his lips.

“I love you too”, said Sirius, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder.

Remus felt safe. He felt loved. Overall, he felt happy , something he never felt so intensely before. He closed his eyes, trying to remember this moment. The way Sirius’ hair fell on Remus’ neck, the way his arms wrapped around his waist. He savoured the sound of his breath and the way he hummed to the music. He enjoyed his presence, his existence. It was more than he could have ever wanted.

Chapter Text

Two months later

Remus and Sirius were sitting in the stands of the football pitch. The day was cool, but clear and sunny. Dora and her team were playing in the finals of the junior league in their area. They were up 2 to 1 with ten minutes left in the game. 

Remus could tell Sirius was enjoying himself – he had played football along with James and Marlene back in school. He was leaning forward in his crappy plastic seat, cheering loudly whenever Dora’s team had the ball. It overjoyed Remus to see Sirius so immersed and excited by something. It was cute - he seemed to be a really good father figure for Dora - always involved and supportive.

He himself wasn’t a big fan of football, but this match had him on the edge of his seat regardless. Dora was incredibly talented. It was obvious she was passionate, too - she never seemed happier than when she was on the field, though he suspected that that might have to do with something other than the sport itself.

Remus saw her eyes constantly wandering over to Emery, to the point where he was worried she’d be so distracted she’d get hurt. Lily once told him a story of one of the football matches at her old school - James was staring at her so intensely that he seemed to have forgotten where he was and ran straight into the goalpost and broke his nose.

Dora was smarter than that, though, and even managed to score a third goal for her team right as the match ended. Sirius cheered so loud Remus had to cover his ears. Dora’s team won 3 to 1 and as the girls were walking off the field, Remus noticed her holding hands with Emery. 

The two girls approached Sirius and Remus after emerging from the locker room. Sirius ran up to hug his niece.

“Good job, Dora! They stood no chance against you! You too, Emery”, he said, smiling.

“Thanks, Sirius”, she said, beaming with pride. 

“Let’s go home for dinner, yeah?” 

“Can Emery come with us?” Dora asked.

“Sure”, Sirius said, grinning. 

Remus considered his matchmaking a success. The girls seemed happy, and Remus was, too. He finally felt like he had a family, like he belonged. It was crazy to think he wouldn’t be there with Sirius, he wouldn’t be so loved, if he hadn’t been on twitter in the middle of the night a few months ago. 

Remus couldn’t recall a time he had ever felt so at peace. He was safe. He was in love. This time he didn’t feel like everything could crumble at any moment. 

After dinner, he helped Sirius wash the dishes. Sirius put on some music. He never did chores without listening to something. When the plates dried, he hugged Remus tight and softly sang, brushing his fingers through Remus’ hair. He listened to Sirius’ soft, angelic voice.

There must be peace and understanding sometimes

Strong winds of promise that will blow away the doubt and fear

If I can dream of a warmer sun

Where hope keeps shining on everyone