Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first time it happened he didn't think much of it. Remus was reclined on his bed, smoking while Marc Bolan crooned from their communal record player, when a head of raven hair peeked through the door and made its way over to him, reaching out an arm in offering.

“Here.” Sirius mumbled to the dormitory floor, with a coy smile, shifting from foot to foot.

Remus glanced down at his outstretched hand and accepted its contents. “Uhhh thanks Pads.” Remus surveyed the object quizzically. “You gave me a leaf.”

Sirius shrugged, flushing slightly. “Well you know- it’s your sort of colour.” 

Remus couldn’t contain the smile that erupted on his face at the thought of Sirius seeing a fallen autumn leaf and thinking of him. This strange boy.

“My sort of colour?”

“Yeah, you know, like a warm orangey brown, like the sweaters you wear the most or that notebook you carry around, and the armchair you always gravitate to.”

Remus stared at him blankly. Sometimes he forgot the other boy wasn’t just cocky and loud and arrogant, but he was actually quite smart and observant when he decided to apply himself to something other than elaborate pranks.

“I guess that probably is my favourite colour.”

Sirius flashed him a brilliant grin, crinkling up to his sparkling eyes. “Alright Moonbeam, Wanna come watch Prongs spectacularly embarrass himself in front of Evans again?” Sirius chirped, back to his typical overconfident demeanour. 

Remus chuckled. gingerly placing his leaf on his bedside table. “Can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon.”

-

And then it happened again the next day.

Remus was well and truly in the zone. Sometimes studying was a herculean effort, dragging his feet to the library like they were deadweighted. But other days, like this, it was sort of relaxing to be out of his head and fully immersed in Ancient Runes and 11th century covens. His quill was flying over the paper and maybe his hand had begun to cramp and his eyes felt all dry and crunchy, and he missed dinner and probably curfew as well, and his back was sore but he had just about finished his final paragraph for his practice essay and maybe he could turn it into Babbling before class tomorrow for feedback, he just needed to work on quotes and finish up some research and-

Plonk.

Remus finished his sentence and looked up to find a plate of Shepherd’s Pie and a mug of herbal tea deposited on his table.

“Moony it’s 11pm and you haven’t eaten since breakfast.” Sirius reprimanded without malice.

Remus frowned. “Pads I’m really alright, I’m not really that hungry.” His grumbling stomach betrayed him.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “And I’m a parseltongue.” he deadpanned. 

“You know, Pince will kill you if she sees you’ve brought food in here.” Remus stated. 

“Well she might be a bit busy carting off the dead body of my dear malnourished friend who forgets to feed himself.” Sirius countered. 

Remus rolled his eyes, but felt a swell of affection for Sirius’ consideration. “You’re being dramatic.”

“And you’re hungry.”

“I have to finish this essay.” He really did want to finish it. He could feel the artefact analysis and concluding sentences burning at his fingertips, begging to be put to parchment. His fingers twitched around his quill and he began to turn back to his work.

“Alright, but don’t forget to eat Moons.” Sirius lingered a second in the empty library, before placing a fork down next to the plate and walking away, nudging Remus’ shoulder gently as he brushed past him.

-

And then the next day brought yet another spontaneous gift. 

“Guess who finally succeeded in bullying Sirius into cleaning out his trunk?” James announced triumphantly, walking down the stairs to the common room.

Remus turned away from his conversation on Jane Austen with Emmeline. “If you’ll excuse me Emmeline, I’m off to eat my hat.” He said wryly. He shifted over to the couch James had taken purchase on. “You know James I truly am impressed, Merlin knows what horrors were hiding in there.” He quipped.

“Oh yes my dear Moony, such horrors indeed, many, many foul smelling socks.” Came the cheery voice of Sirius Black, sauntering down the stairs. “Oh, and this!” He tossed a small carved wooden toy into Remus’ lap.

“You, Remus Lupin, are now the proud owner of a one of a kind Dirsham and Dinkle’s Niffler figurine!” Sirius declared.

Remus examined the intricately carved niffler, turning it in his hands. 

“Hmmm thanks Pads… Any reason why I get such an honour?” He asked hesitantly.

Sirius’ cheeks flushed as he settled down on the faux-persian rug, stretching out graceful limbs by the fireplace. He ducked his head slightly. “Oh you know, just thought- I dont know- It's..cute?” He stammered. 

Remus huffed in endearment. “Yeah it is.” He looked back to Sirius, whose eyes were trained back on him now, all flushed cheeks and softly swept inky hair and fidgeting fingers and that shy smile that seemed reserved for moments like these. “Cute.” 

James barked a laugh. Remus startled, he had completely forgotten the other boy was even there. 

“Oookayyyyy.” James drawled. “Anyways…. Who wants to go charm the girl’s bathroom mirrors to show troll faces?” The bespectacled boy wiggled his eyebrows mischievously. Peter piped up from across the common room where he had been absolutely wrecking a fifth year in a chess match. Sirius sprung from his relaxed position and Remus shook his head in amusement, running off to grab the Map.

-

The fourth time it happened, Remus was honestly beginning to get suspicious. 

The four of them were sitting in the Great Hall for lunch, and Sirius brandished a pile of colourful rocks from his bag.

“Uhhh Pads, why do you have rocks?” Peter quizzed.

“Well Wormy, I was in Divination and you know how old Toogy’s desk is covered in weird shit she says is like uber dangerous?” Sirius starts with a grin.

“You nicked them..” Peter deadpans. 

Remus groaned. James shook his head fondly.

“‘Course Wormy! Maybe they’ll hold secret prophecies or ruthless curses or I dunno, something fun, I’m bored..” Sirius arranged the stones on the table. One was a sort of translucent green and all jagged, another was a milky opaque blue and smooth, another was a sparkling perfect orange circle laced with white lines, and the final was an unassuming bumpy beige colour, which when turned over revealed a glittering rocky purple geode inside. 

James immediately produced his wand and cast an Aparecium to no avail. Sirius frowned at the rocks. The four boys began a quest to crack the surface of whatever advanced and ancient magic festered under the mysterious objects, with a series of Revelios, Abertos, Circumrotas, Geminios and a few Bombardos for good measure.

Eventually, Remus admitted defeat, dropping his wand to the table. “I give up.”

James winced apologetically towards Sirius. “Yeah mate, they might just be rocks.”

Sirius slumped and frowned. “Damn. Bloody boring.”

Remus took another look at the offending objects. “Pretty rocks though. I like the purple one.”

Sirius sparked back up, his posture straightening. “You do?” His pink lips curling into a lopsided smile as a rosy haze crept over his sculpted pale cheekbones. 

When the marauders returned to their dorms after classes, Remus approached his bed to find the purple geode sitting neatly atop his sheets. 

He grinned uncontrollably to himself and carefully placed the crystal in his bedside drawer, right next to his leaf and wooden niffler. Looking down at his humble collection of gifts, Remus couldn’t help but wonder if this truly was a new revelation or if the strangeness of the first leaf just brought it to light. Looking back, he supposed Sirius had always been rather….considerate. Always the first face he saw after a full moon, armed in the hospital wing with chocolate frogs, reminding him to get to bed when he was up late reading in the common room, creeping through the cracks of his curtains to comfort him after a nightmare, becoming a bloody illegal animagus and risking his life to ease his suffering, buying him the books he looked at longingly in Flourish and Botts, sharing his fags, making sure he was always layered up enough….

Remus felt a little guilty for taking it all for granted. How had he never really noticed how kind Sirius was underneath all of his arrogant arsehole-ness?

But that was just it, to everyone else he was this unapologetic, brash, disruptive, chaotic, impulsive troublemaker, but he seemed to become a totally different person around him sometimes. He supposed it made sense, Sirius felt comfortable around his friends, and he didn’t have to maintain his ‘bad-boy’ persona or live up to some ridiculous pure-blood standard. It’s just that he certainly wasn’t giving James or Peter pretty leaves and personal butler services. Sirius Black everyone, determined as always, to be extremely confusing. 

Remus huffed a sigh and resolved to talk to someone smarter than him.

“Hey Lils…. What does it mean when someone keeps bringing you random gifts and acting all shy about it.”

Remus had found Lily on the map, sitting by the Great Lake soaking up late afternoon sun with a book. She swept her fiery hair over her shoulder and squinted up at him with a disgruntled expression.

“Hello to you too Rem, yes thank you I've had a great day so far, and you?” She teased.

Remus rolled his eyes and sat down beside her, leaning against the tree trunk she had situated herself by. “Pff sorry Lils. How have you been on this fabulous spring day.” He mocked.

“Terribly stressed about NEWTS as per usual- anyways, what’s this about gifts?”

Remus fidgeted with his tie, it suddenly felt much too tight around his neck. “You’re a smart person…” He began.

Lily turned to him with a smug expression. “Very true Lupin.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “So what does it mean when someone gives you little gifts out of the blue and acts all bashful about it?”

Lily sat up a little straighter. “Wait, is someone penguining you?” She laughed through her words.

Remus stared blankly at her. “Penguining?”

Lily was full on giggling at this point. It was vile but sort of endearing. “You know penguins?”

“Yes Lily I know what penguins are but I fail to see their relevance in this situation.” Remus said flippantly.

“Well when penguins are trying to seduce a mate, they give them a pebble.” She said through a shit-eating grin.

What the shit?

Remus’ eyes bulged. “Wait what?? Seduce ?” He asked incredulously.

“Oooooh yeah, someone’s got a cruuush on you.” Lily sing-songed.

“Lily, this is not funny.” Remus practically squealed. He was really starting to spiral here. What on earth was Lily talking about? The idea of Sirius seducing him made him feel panicky and nervous and clammy. Ridiculous. 

“What?” Lily furrowed her brow. “Do you not like her back?”

Brushing over the whole ‘her’ thing, Remus thought about it for a second. He certainly didn't like Sirius, but he wasn’t exactly repulsed by the idea of being with him. Eek what a weird thought though. Holding his long elegant fingers, brushing his soft hair away from his eyes and tucking it behind an ear, skirting his fingertips over the sharp angles of his jawline and cheekbones, having those stormy eyes fixed on him as he leaned in to meet their lips together and-

Holy fucking Merlin. No. No. No. NO NO NO NO. Absolutely not. This couldn’t be happening. Well that’s good because it wasn’t happening. Remus did not fancy his best friend. Because he couldn’t be- be- what? Bent? Merlin no. Gay? Oh god. No. It was bad enough he was a sodding werewolf, he didn’t need this. Oh Godric. This was going to ruin everything, their friendship, their life. And what would the others think if they ever found out and No NO NO this was not happening. And it wasn’t. It wasn’t. Oh God. He was going to throw up.

“Remus?” Lily’s voice was distant and drowned out by the ringing in his ears and the sound of his heartbeat wildly smashing against his ribcage. Fuck fuck fuck. “Remus? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just-” Remus managed to push out before he scampered away back into the castle. 

-

That evening at dinner, Remus resolutely avoided eye contact with Sirius and said hardly a word at the table. He hoped the others would put his shifty mood down to the moon, but they knew him too well. Instead of going back to the common room and doing the homework he really ought to be doing, he took refuge with the stars. 

Not a wise decision on second thought. The astronomy tower may have been quiet but it was full of couples snogging, and well, Sirius. The brightest star in the sky. Not a very effective distraction. Everytime he even began to think about it, about this whole confusing fucking situation and penguins and cheekbones and leaves, his whole body froze over in panic. He couldn’t even begin to unravel his thoughts, they were tangled in knots as thick as the tension that lay in his ribcage. 

Slumping down to the floor in the corner, he took out his cigs and resolved himself to a long night of chain smoking and self-deprecating thinking patterns. Ah goody, something familiar!

It had only been about 20 minutes of self-loathing and moping  (not nearly enough to feel adequately self-pitying for the current complication he was avoiding at all costs) when he heard a patter of footsteps, and caught a recognisable scent. He groaned internally as the invisibility cloak was swept off to reveal Sirius, map in hand. 

He felt bile rise up to his throat and an incomprehensible panic set in, he felt like he would fucking explode if his body took one single more stress hormone. He put out his fag and curled his hands to fists, grounding himself with the feeling of the crescent moons of his fingernails cutting into his palms, and swallowed hard.

“Hey Pads.” He managed shakily.

Sirius titled his head with a concerned furrowed brow and tentatively sat down next him, back against the wall. “Moony… are you alright?”

“Hmmhmm” Remus hummed unconvincingly.

“Here.”

Remus chanced a look to his right, seeing an elegant hand cupping a small chocolate from Honeydukes. Remus stared down at it. It was no longer just a chocolate. It was a penguin pebble and the symbol of his suffocating crisis. It was evil.

“Hey Moons..”

A beat of silence.

“Why do you look like you want to murder the chocolate?” Sirius asked hesitantly, softly.

Remus laughed despite himself, rubbing his face and leaning his head on his knees which were pulled up into his chest. “Why do you always give me things?” He murmured into his legs, he wasn’t sure if he meant Sirius to hear or not, but he did, must be the canine ears. 

“Because… I- I care about you.” Sirius mumbled, just as quietly.

Remus’ breath caught in his throat. “I-” He choked on his words, he didn’t know what to say, he didn’t even know what he was feeling, he just wanted it to go away.

“Remus?” Sirius had placed his hand on Remus’, which he’d just now realised was shaking. His body instinctively relaxed at his touch, but his mind continued to move 100 miles an hour. He forced himself to look over at the other boy. He had wide, hopeful eyes, and was worrying his lip between his teeth. He still held the chocolate in the hand not covering Remus’. 

“Yeah?” Remus’ voice trembled. He was not keeping it together at all.

“I-” This time Sirius faltered. He looked at the cold cement floor for a second, before bringing his gaze back up. Remus felt the burn of those silver eyes boring into his own amber pair. 

“Fuck it. Please just this once.” Sirius whispered to the stars as he scooted closer to Remus, slipping the chocolate back into his pocket and cradling Remus’ face, before bringing their lips together.  

Remus’ whole body stilled in shock, before his brain clocked out and let his body do the rest of the work. He melted into Sirius’ hold, he could taste cigarettes on his lips. Sirius snaked a hand into his hair, eliciting a sigh. A tongue slipped between his parted lips. Remus threaded an arm around Sirius’ waist and another through his hair. At some point, Remus had dropped his legs and Sirius had crawled into his lap, straddling him. Every atom in his body was buzzing yes yes yes yes. Much too soon for Remus’ liking, Sirius pulled away and slumped off of his lap, back to the wall.

“Moony I-”

“Sirius-”

“Here. Just, take it.” Sirius pressed the chocolate into Remus’ hand as he made a start to get up.

Remus tugged on his arm, pulling him down. “Sirius, wait.” The other boy hugged his legs into his chest. 

“Fuck Moons I’m so sorry I don’t know I just-”

“Sirius. I-” The raven haired boy winced beside him. Remus swallowed nervously. “I- I really care about you too. I mean like- you know, not like with the others.”

Sirius turned towards him, his expression of horror melting into something softer, a slow smile stretching across his features. “Yeah?” 

Remus leant into Sirius’ side. Sirius dropped his head on his shoulder and Remus laid his head atop of his. He found all the Gryffindor courage he had and pulled Sirius closer into his side, stretching an arm around the other boy’s shoulders. His heart thrummed wildly. He was sure Sirius could hear it, but he kindly didn’t speak on it. 

“I really like you Remus.” Sirius admitted quietly.

“Me too.” Remus smiled into his hair.

“Is this- Are we… together?” Sirius asked anxiously, biting his lip. Remus smiled down at him, feeling a bubbling in his stomach which he couldn't decide was excitement or terror. 

“Yeah, I think I’d like that.” Remus replied through a lopsided smile. 

“Yeah?” Sirius affirmed hopefully.

“Yeah.”

Sirius nuzzled into his neck. Remus looked down at his chocolate, turning it in his right hand. 

“Bloody penguin pebbles.” He muttered to the stars.