Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a beautiful day.

Blue skies that stretched into forever, a shining sun, and a gentle breeze wafting through their hair. It was rare for the day to be as nice as this in Wales, and Hope was determined to take every advantage of it.

“Can I?” Remus asked, looking up at her with huge eyes.

His tiny hand was in hers as they stood next to Hope’s car, several yards from the park. They came here as often as they could, as long as the weather allowed… though usually only very early in the morning before anyone else got there. Now it was late morning, and there were kids all over the place.

Hope took in a deep breath, inhaling the warm summer air and smell of flowers. “Yes.” She began walking towards the playground, Remus’s little legs scrambling to keep up with hers. “Remember what I said this morning.”

“Muggle only,” Remus whispered back, eyes sparkling. Hope smiled, nodded, and stooped low to kiss his forehead.

Remus wasn’t supposed to be around anyone else. Ever. Lyall made that perfectly clear, and drilled it into their heads constantly. Ever since he was bitten… Remus had only had his parents for company. Which broke Hope’s heart. He was just a little boy. He was a Thing, too, but only during full moons. This was almost halfway between full moons—Hope made sure of that—and it was the middle of day. Her baby deserved to be a normal child again, even for an afternoon.

Hope found a nice spot and spread out a blanket, sinking down on it. Remus stood next to her, body trembling. He was five now, though looked younger due to his small stature and ill appearance. His limp hair clung around his face and his eyes were huge. Hope reached up and tucked some of his hair behind his ear.

“Go play,” she urged.

“The other kids,” he mumbled, shifting from foot to foot.

Hope looked over at the park. She had been taking him there, in this Muggle town, for a few weeks now so he could get some exercise and not be cooped up inside all day every day. She thought maybe that would help him, and he did enjoy it. Only they were always alone. She never dared before to take him when others were there. But today when she woke up and saw how beautiful it was, she decided to wait a bit. Wait until she knew there would be other children.

Pretend to be Muggle, she had told him that morning when getting him dressed. No magic, no talking about anything magic at all. And no telling your father.

If Lyall found out, he’d be furious. Hope knew Remus would keep the secret though. He loved her. He was her special little boy, and always would be.

Hope gave her baby a little nudge. “Go on.” Her heart was pounding in her chest, and she prayed she was doing the right thing.

Remus took a few hesitant steps before stopping, taking in the playground. After another few seconds he went over to a large vaguely horse-shaped piece of equipment. It looked huge, looming over him, and he merely stood in front of it staring. He had ridden it before, once or twice, but now he kept looking around as if expecting everyone to be watching him. Hope nibbled her fingernail, worried… until Remus climbed up on top of it, took a seat, and began rocking back and forth. He clung to the handlebar, smile spreading across his face. Hope breathed out a sigh of relief and slumped back a bit.

“Mummy.”

She jumped, looking up at Remus who was suddenly in front of her. “Why aren’t you on the horse?”

Remus shrugged, shoulders rounded. “’Nother kid.” He looked back and Hope saw another kid had gotten on the horse.

She tugged at his shirt, making him face her. “Did she make you get off?” Remus shook his head. “You can play with her. She probably wants to play.”

Remus looked shocked, eyes going even bigger. “But Daddy…” He trailed off, biting his lip.

Hope smoothed his hair down. It was already a little damp from sweat. “Daddy isn’t here, and you won’t tell him, will you? Nor will I. It’s all right, darling. Go and play.”

Remus ran back to the playground but he didn’t get on the horse nor did he join anyone else in anything. Instead he got on a swing and began slowly swaying around. Hope sighed, wishing he would play with someone else. The past few months had been awful for him. He needed to be a kid again.

Then someone approached Remus. A small boy, probably five or six. He began talking to Remus and Remus stopped swinging, staring at the boy. Then slowly Remus nodded and got off the swing, following the boy to the teeter-totter. Hope held her breath, watching them get on and begin going up and down. She let her breath out, grinning at the sight before glancing around to see who the boy belonged to. No one else was watching them.

Over the next few minutes Remus and the other boy went from the teeter-totter to the roundabout to the slide. At some point the boy pointed at the tall climbing frame but Remus shook his head. He hated being up high ever since that night. Instead they went back to the swings. Remus sat on the swing while the boy pushed. Soon they switched places, both of them laughing.

Remus was laughing!

Soon the boys were just running around, playing some sort of tag-type game. The other boy kept grabbing Remus by the arm, swinging him around, both of them giggling. Hope suddenly felt very cold as Remus began chasing the boy. Something inside her churned, and she had a dreadful feeling something was about to happen.

The two boys ran, Remus’s hands outstretched to grab the boy. It felt like it was going in slow motion. Hope tried to shout out, to tell Remus to stop… but her voice was caught in her throat.

Remus’s fingers wrapped around the boy’s elbow, and Remus jerked him around just as the boy had done to him a moment ago. It was almost the exact same. Only the other boy didn’t have the strength of a werewolf, which Remus still didn’t know how to control.

Hope scrambled to her feet as there was a sickening snapping sound. Nobody moved… and then the boy began screaming at the top of his lungs as he collapsed down. His arm was sticking out at an abnormal angle. Remus backed up, mouth a perfect ‘o’, face clearly full of confusion.

Everyone around them stopped playing and stared. Mothers started running over. The boy sobbed from the ground. Hope got there first. As a mother, it hurt to see the boy injured and not to do anything. But as Remus’s mother she knew they had to get out of there.

Hope scooped Remus up in her arms. The mothers were now gathered around the boy, the one who was obviously her mother screaming at everyone to do something. Kids were pointing at Remus and Hope. She began marching towards the car, gritting her teeth. Remus had his arms around her, panting in her ear, trembling from head to foot. Hot tears splashed against her neck.

“Excuse me! Excuse me!” One of the other women started following them. Hope ignored her. “Your son hurt him! Everyone saw!”

“It was an accident,” Hope said breathlessly as Remus buried his face in her neck. She kept looking ahead, looking at the car. “He must have fallen.”

The woman grabbed her arm, forcing her to spin around. Just as Remus had done to the boy. “Why are you leaving, then?” The woman’s eyes flashed with fury. She wasn’t the mother of the boy, that was obvious—the mother was still with her child—but she looked similar. They were related. “There were witnesses. Everyone saw that boy grab Alan. He broke Alan’s arm!”

She tried to keep calm. Tried not to show how terrified she was. “You’re mistaken.”

“I am not!” she snarled. “Everyone saw. I saw! He grabbed Alan’s arm and bloody broke his arm! What in Christ’s name is wrong with you? What is wrong with him?”

“Nothing, that isn’t what happened—“

“He’s a brute! A monster!”

Hope’s temper rarely showed itself. She was not an angry person. She always prided herself in her ability not to get mad, and to forgive. Lyall was the one with the temper. Not her.

Yet her hand flew out and slapped the woman across the cheek. “Don’t you ever call him that!” she yelled. The woman stumbled back, hand on her cheek, shocked. Remus, still in her other arm, gasped. Hope swallowed, turned, and ran to the car.

“SOMEONE STOP HER! HER SON BROKE ALAN’S ARM! SHE STRUCK ME! GET THE PLATE NUMBER!” the woman shrieked.

Hope flung the car door open and climbed in, dumping Remus into the passenger seat. She slammed the door shut, turned the key, and adjusted the gears to peel out. There were some other mothers watching, probably trying to memorize the license plate number. It wouldn’t matter. Lyall had enchanted it so people would forget the numbers almost right away.

Remus was sobbing and hiccuping. “Mummy, I didn’t mean—Mummmyyy—I’m sorry—I’m sorrrryyyyyy—“ He cut off as he bent forward and threw up on the floor.

She reached over with one hand and he shrank away from her, refusing her touch.

*

Hope’s arms were folded across the table, her head on them. Once they got home she tried and failed to bathe him then simply read to him until he fell asleep, under the influence of the bit of cake soaked in sleeping solution she had managed to get him to swallow. She had then lit the candle that would send a signal to Lyall that an emergency happened, and was now waiting.

“Where are they?” Lyall burst through the door, wand out, eyes wild. “The Ministry? Where’s Remus?”

Hope looked up. “No Ministry.”

Lyall stared at her, eyes hard. “You lit the candle.”

“I did, but it isn’t that sort of emergency.” She began wringing her hands, hoping Lyall would agree.

“For Merlin’s sake, Hope!” Lyall tucked his wand into his pocket, prepared to give a speech until he saw the tear stains on her face. “What happened?”

“I’m sorry, Lyall.”

He sank down into a chair. “What happened?”

She told him everything. How they’d been going to the park for a few weeks now and today she decided to go when others would be there. “He’s just a kid,” she wheezed out, ignoring the fury etched on her husband’s face. “He needs playmates!”

“He is a werewolf!” Lyall hissed out. “He can’t have playmates!”

Hope buried her face in her hands. “I see that now. It’s my fault. I know it is. Oh, Christ, Lyall, that boy—his cries—“

“It’s all right.” Lyall rubbed her back. “It’s fine. I’m sure it was only a broken arm. Muggles can fix those things, can’t they?” She nodded. “There.”

“Remus… he’s…” She wiped her nose on her sleeve then threw herself into Lyall’s arms. “He’s so upset. He kept saying he’s a monster.”

“Well—“

“Don’t,” she warned, knowing Lyall was about to agree. “He’s five. Five. He doesn’t—he doesn’t understand yet. But what am I supposed to say to him? He knows he hurt that boy, that he hurt him bad. He doesn’t want me touching him. He says he’ll hurt me too.”

Lyall kissed the top of her head. “I’ll erase this memory from his head. He’ll be okay.”

“I don’t know…” She twisted her wedding ring around. “Erasing memories isn’t… I mean, what if it does something to him? In his brain?”

“It’ll be fine.” Lyall kissed her on the lips now and got up. “But you cannot do this again, my love. Remus isn’t a normal child. He cannot be around other people.”

Hope nodded miserably. “It breaks my heart, to see him all alone.”

Lyall got his wand out again. “I know.” He flexed his wrist this way and that, preparing to obliviate his son. Not for the first time. Nor the last, he suspected. “But it’s what his life is going to be like. Other than us, he is always, always going to be alone.”

Chapter Text

Under the surface, I feel berserk as a tightrope walker in a three-ring circus.

Under the surface, was Hercules ever like ‘Yo, I don’t wanna fight Cerberus?’

Under the surface, I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I can’t be of service.

A flaw or a crack, the straw in the stack that breaks the camel’s back, what breaks the camel’s back?

It’s pressure like a drip, drip, drip that’ll never stop.

- Surface Pressure by Jessica Darrow, from Encanto

-x-

He woke up with a cry of ‘no!’ falling from his lips. Sitting upright in bed, he panted heavily, eyes trying to focus. It was very early in the morning and the sky was just beginning to get light outside, so at least he wasn’t in complete darkness.

Throwing his covers aside, he slid out of bed and stalked over to the window, pushing his hair back as he gazed up through the window. His heart was still pounding from his nightmare, and his legs felt a little shaky. Mostly due to the fact it had been such an unusual nightmare.

Remus Lupin was no stranger to nightmares. He had them constantly, whether asleep or awake. But usually they had to do with his curse. Being a werewolf. Violent, rage-filled nightmares that woke him up making him think he could still taste blood in his mouth. This time the nightmare had simply been him as a human, being left behind. He remained the age he was now—fourteen—while his three best friends grew older, left Hogwarts, took careers, started families, and forgot about him.

Leaving him alone.

“S’ok,” he whispered to himself, climbing up onto his trunk so he could crack the window open and get some fresh air. Since his bedroom was in the cellar and the window was right at ground level, he couldn’t leave it open all the time in case animals got in. Not that any animals would ever risk coming into his room.

The worst part was he couldn’t console himself that his nightmare wasn’t real. Because the most likely thing was it would become real. Once they all graduated Hogwarts, chances are they’d start to drift apart and eventually get to the point where they never saw each other again. That’s how most school friendships went. His father never wrote to any of his school friends anymore. His mother wasn’t in contact with any of her school friends. His Occlumency teacher didn’t spend any time with her Hogwarts friends either, he knew.

Sucking in some of the air, Remus leaned against the wall, melancholia settling over his entire being. It was easier to set this aside at Hogwarts when he was with his friends. During the holidays when he was at home… he was so alone, and it felt unending.

Nine more weeks, he told himself as he pushed away from the wall and stumbled over to the little bathroom in his room. It was the first week of July, and up to now had gone by so slowly he knew that the rest of the summer would too. It was going to be agony waiting until he and his friends could be together once more.

After getting a shower, Remus paused in front of his dresser, not sure what to put on. It was the first of July, and two days before the full moon started. He hadn’t been told whether he’d be going into work today or not, or what his schedule would be like the weeks of the full moons.

Nine days prior when Hope had brought Remus home after Hogwarts ended, Lyall had been sitting at their table with an unusual smile on his face. Remus’s relationship with his father was strenuous, hanging on by a frizzled thread. So the smile felt off, and Remus had been suspicious. But Lyall hugged Remus, welcoming him home and telling him the good news, or what Lyall and Hope both considered to be good news: Remus was to help Lyall in the shop.

“Ms. Crouch isn’t doing any more work at all there,” Lyall explained, referring to the owner of the antiques and thrift shop where Lyall had worked at since he quit the Ministry. “She says since one day the shop will be mine, you should learn the trade too!”

So every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday Remus went to Caerphilly with his father, sitting next to him in the shop and learning the trade. Which was mostly just trying to sell used items to people who came through, although the best parts were when people brought in items to sell to them. Inspecting items, learning what condition they were in, how strong the magic was—that was fun. Talking to people? Not so much.

He had been there one week, so only three days so far, and he wished he could tell his father he didn’t want to do it anymore. Those words he kept to himself, knowing that this meant a lot to both his parents and his future. Before Hogwarts and even up until now, Remus had assumed his adult life would be spent living with his parents and hiding from the world. He’d never be able to get a proper job, due to his curse, and now… now he’d have one.

You need to be grateful, Remus thought as he got dressed. He pulled on khaki trousers and a nice button-up plaid shirt, something he would wear to the shop. On his days off he wore his scroungier, shabbier clothes, so if he wasn’t going he’d end up changing. He had so few nice clothes he didn’t want to risk ruining them.

Of course, he had a bit more nicer clothes than his parents thought. In the bottom of his school trunk lay some rather flashy brown trousers, a soft paisley shirt with a pointy collar, and several very nice jumpers, sweatshirts, and t-shirts given to him by his friends. Hidden because he wasn’t supposed to have friends. Most of their presents to him were also in the bottom of his trunk as well as the photo albums. Remus had put some bed linen over everything with a sticking spell to keep it in place since he didn’t trust his mother, and then over that was a layer of school things; the worst of the evidence, however, was hidden in his wall.

When he first moved into the cellar he found a loose brick and was able to hollow out some space behind it. When he returned after his third year of school, he had to hollow out even more space. That’s where he kept the letters from his friends, as well as a book he never wanted anyone to know he had, despite the fact his four closest friends all knew he had the book. Only one knew the truth of the book, though.

Remus brushed his hair, pulled socks and shoes on, grabbed a book (not that book though), and went upstairs to read until his parents woke up. It was difficult concentrating on the words in front of him since his nightmare kept dancing around in front of his eyes, and eventually he gave up, putting the book down and going out into his mother’s garden. He plucked a flower as he sat down on a bench, idly tearing the petals off and watching them float away in the breeze.

A memory resurfaced, when he was… six or seven. Him and his mother in the garden, her doing this. She’d pull a petal. “He loves me.” Then another. “He loves me not.” Somehow she managed to make sure it always ended on ‘he loves me’ and then she scooped him up, peppering his face with kisses saying that she loved him too. Remus remembered giggling and promising that he did indeed love her.

“He loves me,” Remus muttered, dropping the petal. “He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me…” Remus stared at the flower which now only had one petal left. Instead of picking it and ended on ‘not’, he dropped the stem and went back inside.

He loves me not is my life story, he thought as he opened the fridge to figure out something to eat despite the ache that was curling itself around his belly.

It had been nine days since he found out he was going to be working at the shop, and also nine days since he had had one of his worst breakdowns ever. He had cried and cried and cried, nose clogging with mucus, throat clogging with pain, chest burning from lack of air. He had wound up on his hands and knees on the floor, choking and coughing until he threw up and was able to get some oxygen back in. It had been a long night with very little sleep and a lot of anguish.

Because that was when he had finally made himself face the truth.

No, not quite. He had already known the truth, he just… had done his best to ignore it or hardly think about it or—anything to keep it from consuming him. But after being kissed, it had become too hard not to face it. It took a lot of effort to get through his final couple days at Hogwarts while keeping it away from his thoughts but somehow he had managed, pushing everything in until he got home, climbed into bed, and let the bubble burst.

He had started figuring out he was gay about a year ago, though was still in so much denial he didn’t start sort’ve accepting it until Lily found out. Lily Evans, his only friend who knew the truth about his sexuality, who had been there for him when no one else could be. Comforting him, advising him, telling him it was okay. Yet it still took a long, long time for him to grow into the idea that being gay was… okay. Actually, he still hadn’t quite gotten there yet but was doing a bit better since he got his first boy kiss that turned his entire world upside down.

Remus flopped down at the table with an apple, merely holding it in his hand while his other hand touched his lips. Two weeks had passed since the kiss yet he could still feel it. It seemed like a miracle nobody else could see it on him, could see the imprints of Jean-Marie Charlemagne’s lips on his own.

I’m gay, he thought, turning the apple in his hand, staring blankly at its shiny surface. The word he had only ever used for himself once before the kiss, now he was trying to remind himself of it as often as he could which so far he had only managed a couple of times. But a couple of times was better than none. He needed to reconcile with this fact about himself like he had with his lycanthropy. It isn’t something I can choose. I have to deal with it, whether I like it or not. Sighing, he took a bite of the apple and forced it down his throat, wishing desperately he didn’t have to deal with it at all. Wishing he could be normal. Wishing he wasn’t a complete freak of nature by being both a werewolf and—and being like that.

So much for being able to think the G word.

“Remus, darling, if I had known you were up I—you should have gotten me.” Hope appeared in the doorway, hair messy from sleep, robe wrapped around her thin body. “I would have made you something to eat.”

“Morning, Mum.” Remus gave her smile. “I’m all right.”

“Did you sleep okay?” Hope went to get a glass of juice for him, needing to take care of him regardless of what he said. “You didn’t have nightmares again, did you?”

Yes. “No, I’m fine. Thank you.” He took the glass but didn’t drink it. “Am I going in with Dad today?”

Hope hesitated before pouring herself a glass. “I—I don’t know. I don’t think you should. Aren’t you tired?”

Remus traced designs across the tabletop, not wanting to admit that he was, in fact, very tired. His bones were starting to ache already and part of him wanted to crawl back into bed. But as boring as working at the shop was, at least it was doing something instead of sitting around at home. “Only a little, I’m fine. It’s not tonight, anyhow.”

Hope sniffled. “We’ll see.”

Twenty minutes later a large breakfast was spread on the table, Hope beaming while watching her two boys eat. She kept urging Remus to eat, reminding him he needed to have plenty in him before the full moon. That prompted Remus to ask about whether he’d be going into the shop or not, which led into an argument between Hope and Lyall. Hope didn’t think he should go while Lyall thought it best if he got as much experience as possible.

“For Merlin’s sake, the full moon isn’t even until Wednesday night,” Lyall snapped, and that ended the argument there.

After they were done eating, Hope put lunch pails in their hands, kissing Lyall on the mouth then kissing Remus on the cheek, waving out the door as they headed out. Once they were a little ways down the lane with enough distance between them and the house, Lyall put his arm through Remus’s and Apparated away.

Lyall had never been good at side-along Apparition so when Remus had been told about his new job he had no idea how he’d be getting to the shop. The Lupins didn’t have their fireplace connected to the Floo network and they hated going into Dragon’s Field to use the public one at the tavern. But Lyall smiled and said he had been practicing side-along and had gotten his license for it. Still, every time they cracked through the universe from Dragon’s Field to Caerphilly (or back again), Remus was always worried he’d wind up Splinched.

Soon Lyall was unlocking the door to Otillie’s, flicking his wand so all the lights came on. Remus stopped into the shop that represented his future, trying not to make a face.

Lyall and Remus spent the next half hour making sure everything was in order before Remus flipped the sign from Closed to Open. Now came the ‘fun’ part. Doing absolutely nothing until a customer came in. Lyall at in his office with the door open, working on the shop’s books, while Remus sat on a stool behind the counter, nose in his own book. Whenever customers came in, Remus fetched his father to take care of him since he was still learning. Twice a day he had to sweep the entire shop as well as the sidewalk in front of the shop. Once a day he went around dusting everything and putting anything that was moved out of place back to where it was supposed to be. And sometimes he went and stood in front of the large bookshelf that held all the old books that were for sale. He constantly ran his fingers across the spines, randomly choosing one to read for the day. He had to be careful not to pick any that were too old, only going for the newer ones that weren’t in risk of disintegrating if he dropped it.

One of the first things he had done on his first day at the shop was demand from his father why the books weren’t in any particular order. Lyall had shrugged, saying Ms. Crouch never cared about them being in order. Hardly anyone came in to buy books. If they wanted books they’d go down the street to the bookshop. Remus then spent the entire day rearranging the entire collection of books so they were in alphabetical order by author, divided by genre. He carefully wrote out signs to tape up to the shelves to indicate the genres. Charms and Spells, History, Potions, Fictional, Misc, etc, etc. It was the only time he had really had any enjoyment from being there.

Today, though, was like any other day. Remus reading, his father dealing with the customers that came through, his father buying in a few objects and Remus putting them in the storeroom until they could be properly examined. Sweeping, reading, dusting, forty-five minutes for lunch… boring, boring, boring. Finally after what felt like an eternity (eleven hours total!) the many clocks in the shop chimed six, and Remus flipped the sign from Open to Closed. Then another walk through the shop to make sure everything was fine, the money put away in the safe, the books locked in a desk, double check everything was in order… and by six-thirty the two of them Apparated back to Dragon’s Field.

At home they had supper, Lyall and Hope chatting while Remus remained quiet. An hour or two of the family spent together in the living room and then Remus went down into the cellar, changing into his pajamas and getting into bed. There he lay for several minutes before rolling over and crying quietly into his pillow, hating, hating, hating working at the shop and knowing that that was to be his fate for his the rest of his miserable life.

*

Dear Remy, 3/7/74

I’m writing this the first night though I won’t send it until after, so it won’t accidentally be found by your parents. I’m sitting by my window right now, looking up at the full moon. I hope it’s just as clear skies over Wales, as I remember you saying how awful it is to be human all night long. I wish I could be there with you. Tonight, all nights. One day it will happen, despite what you protest. Until it does all I can do is be there for you after… or, this case, sending letters.

My summer isn’t going so well but now you and the others know the full truth of that. I guess I can write down what I can’t say in person and that’s how mad I am that you guys know. More then mad. Furious really. I don’t blame you at all, even though I know you’ll blame yourself. I just wish things could have gone differently, and this secret remain a secret. That’s how things go I guess. Im just grateful that you and james and peter don’t make too big a deal about it.

So far it seems like Ill be going to the World Cup with James. Mother says as long as it doesn’t interfere with any of their summer plans, which I don’t think it will. I’m looking forward to it. Again, another wish: that you could be there too. Except since you hate quidditch it probably be too boring for you. You could stick those ear plugs in and read.

By the way, Regulus is doing okay. There’s been a lot of talk around the house about him being left-handed and guess what? It seems the family has accepted it. Mother and Father still don’t like it but Grandfather (mother’s father) has put his foot down about the whole thing and said it doesn’t matter, magic is magic. He shut Mother up by asking if she’d rather have a Squib for a son. It’s been a blast seeing Mother sulk. I wish I could say Go Grandfather! but he’s an asshole to me so nope. I’m just glad Reggie is okay.

Merlin I miss you, Remus. I miss James. I miss Peter. I miss Hogwarts. I’d give anything for us to be together again.

Sirius

PS I know Fili won’t let you send a letter back but when you reply to J or P could you also send a letter through them? I can’t go an entire summer without something from you. I can’t wait until you can get another owl!

PPS please ignore the blood. I just accidentally dripped some when I was getting into my desk and Please just. Ignore it. Please. I’m fine.

PPS it’s now the sixth and I have terrific news. My parents are allowing me to spend some time with my Uncle Alphard! I’ll be going to his place for an entire week! He’s the only one in the family that actually cares about me. At least I’ll have more than just the World Cup to be happy about!

*

The first full moon of summer turned out to be terrible. Remus woke up every morning in a pool of blood, his body shredded to pieces, hardly able to move. Each morning his mother opened the door and cried, helping him as best she could into his room and into the tub to clean him off. He was too weak and tired to protest. Hope bathed him, dressed him, fed him, tucked him in, and sang to him as he drifted in and out of sleep every day. On the final day he had shredded his ankle so bad that the bones were sticking out. Hope carefully wrapped his ankle up so everything would set in place, tears dripping down as she did.

That night Remus was awoken by something tapping at his window. He struggled to get out of bed, limping across his room to open the window and let Sirius’s owl fling a letter right into his face before flying off. Filibuster was one of the strangest, nastiest owls Remus had ever met in his life.

After settling back in bed, Remus read and reread the letter multiple times, unable to stop himself worrying about the blood stains that had been smudged along the outside of the parchment. He ran his finger along one of them, wondering what the Blacks had done to Sirius for him to spill his blood this time. At least he’ll get away for a week, Remus thought as he got back up to hobble to the loose brick. He wriggled it free and put Sirius’s letter there, fingers brushing against the most recent photo album Pete had made for them. He took it and sat down on his trunk, flipping through the pages, smiling at the memories of his third year.

One of the last pictures in the album was of Sirius and Remus, just the two of them. They were in the empty classroom where the Marauders had worked on their end-of-year prank. Remus was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a model plane in his lap and Sirius knelt behind him, arms wrapped around Remus, chin on his shoulder, both of them grinning at Pete’s camera.

Remus reached down to gently touch Sirius’s face before snapping the album shut.

*

Heya Remus! 6-7-74

I don’t have much time to write right now because dad’s surprised us with a trip to the Carabein! Carribean. Carrybean? Curry beans! Wow curry beans sounds really good right now. Anyways we’ll be gone for a bit and so Pete’s gonna take care of Godric again and deliver this letter to you first before going there. Godrics delivering the letter I mean. Not Pete. He’d make a terrific owl though. We should really do something sometimes with owls. Not real owls don’t worry stop scowling at me I can feel it through the letter. We should make fake owls and have them deliver things to people in the school sometime. Or maybe just fake letters. We should do howlers again sometime. Anyway I hope the past few nights went okay for you. I might look for books on YOU KNOW WHAT when im in the carrabien. Has sirius wrote to you? Ive only got one letter from him but he says he’s doing okay. I hope he is. I wish I could go get him and take him with me. Think the blacks would notice if Sirius disappeared for a couple of weeks? Or forever? By the way I accidentally broke the album lewis gave me so im gonna have to get a new one when we go into london. Welllllllll I didn’t break it. Bore-my-ass did. My cousin, you know, the one that’s also related to Sirius? He brought a lady to dinner with us the other night so I may or may not have blasted the song all day and all night at them on repeat for a while until Bore-My-Ass took the record and broke it over my head. I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE THEIR EVENING ROMANTIC! Merlin. Some people.

I better go miss you love you see you soooooon!

James

*

On Monday morning, Hope tried arguing that Remus needed to stay home that day to rest and recover from the full moon. Lyall told her that Remus was fourteen and not a baby. The argument grew rather bitter while Remus shrank down in his seat, pretending he wasn’t there; pretending his parents weren’t arguing about him. Lyall won, which was no surprise, and Hope gave a lot of sad sniffles as she kissed them both goodbye that day. She adjusted Remus’s collar, telling him to take it easy and if he grew tired to come home immediately.

“Is Mum… doing okay?” Remus asked after the Apparated into Caerphilly.

“She just likes to baby you,” Lyall replied gruffly.

Remus rolled his eyes. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

Lyall gave him a look and Remus cringed a bit, worried Lyall would smack him. Instead his father sighed and started walking again. “She’ll be all right. I’m assuming you’re worried about her nerves?”

Remus nodded. Over the Easter holidays he had found out his mother was taking a potion regularly to help ease her nerves and anxiety. It made him worry, that his mother was so stressed out that she needed it… and it also seemed to make her tireder than she used to be, though that could have been from other things. She also seemed thinner than she was the previous summer.

“I was hoping since you’ll be home this summer she would do better,” Lyall admitted. “But I think you working here makes her upset all over again.”

“I wish she’d get a hobby or friends or something,” Remus sighed. “What happened to that knitting club?”

Lyall was silent as they reached the shop. “It isn’t easy for her. She feels uncomfortable around Muggles and witches both, now. There is a book club for witches meeting here in Caerphilly once a month. I tried to convince her to join but… she said it makes her too anxious.”

Remus took their lunch pails to the back and then returned, watching his dad flick the lights on. “Maybe she could help out here sometimes.”

Lyall gave a slight laugh. “I’ve tried. I suggested it to her a few times and she said she’d rather stay home. But…” He turned, raising his eyebrows. “Perhaps if you ask her, she’ll say yes. You should ask her tonight. It would do her good. Besides, if she comes here with us she might let up on the idea you’re working now.”

It was strange, being on terms like this with his father. They rarely ever got along before, but this summer things seemed to be going pretty well. During the Easter holiday they had bonded just a little bit and when Remus returned for the summer he had hoped things would keep going in that direction—and for now it seemed like it was. Lyall had only hit him once so far, and only yelled a few times which was a vast improvement over the summer before his third year. But Remus had definitely deserved the slap. Lyall had asked him to fetch something in the shop and Remus was hurrying back and tripped, breaking it. Lyall had hit him on the back of his head, snapping at him that he didn’t need to run in the shop which was true. In any case, other than that things were going pretty well with the two of them!

*

Dear Remus 8/7/74

I dont even know were to begin about my summer so far. its been… weerd. Ok so I dunno. My mums been spending most her free time with her sister so ive had to go to there house a lot which means spending too much time with benjy who is so mean to me. If I dont go with her then I have to go with Dad and grandpa who are fishing a lot and they make me do it too and I hated it it was awful and I fell out of the boat. They gave me a beer thogh (mum doesnt know). I did cach a fish! Ive includid a picture of it. Its reel small (I spelled it like that on purpise cause you know fishing reel?) but I cawt it! The other day it was just me and grandpa in the boat and grandpa kept saying he was glad I was a Pettigrew and asking if I was proud to be a Pettigrew and I said yes becuse I am but it just felt kinda… strange.

Ok so befor I get to the REAL NEAT NEWS I wanna ask you some questons about our homework. I dont rememebr anything about Melgim’s Theory or even how to spell Melgim cuz I know thats not it so I cant even look it up. also wat the hell is photo-sinsisis? I cant REMEMBER isnt it when plants are green or is that clorofill? why did sprout have to start giving us really hard questions? also I wrote something down about stamen but thats you know… pervy stuff isnt it? so I think my notes got mixed up or wrong. HELP! how come I remember all the stuff about potions easy but everything else just apirates out of my head?!

OK OK now for the REAL NEAT NEWS! Member I told you I miht be learning to drive a car? IT IS HAPPENING!!! grandpa has STARTED!!! he showed me the geers and stuff and ive been siting in dads car doing the geer stuff without the car on so I can learn and grandpa says I can ackshually take it driving soon. Mum is fureus but I begged her cuz I really really want to know how to do this.

OK love you bye

Peter

*

He woke up with a cry of ‘no!’ falling from his lips. Sitting upright in bed, he panted heavily, trying to get his eyes to focus. It was early in the morning but it was raining outside, so everything was dim and grey. Slowly he swung his legs out of bed and sat on the edge, breathing in and out slowly to make sure he stayed calm. His hands were shaky and with the shadows it almost looked like there was still blood on them, from his nightmare.

“Merlin,” he moaned, staggering over to the section of his bedroom with the lavatory stuff and turning the tap on to wash his hands. He kept scrubbing even though there was no blood on them, knowing perfectly well he was having a Lady Macbeth moment. Yet he couldn’t stop because he could smell the blood. Could feel it staining his palms.

Remus locked in a silver cage as a human, cowering in the center, begging for freedom. Murky figures leering at him through the bars. Orion Black’s cruel laughter as he throws Sirius’s mangled body in front of Remus, thanking him for what he did for the Blacks by getting rid of their nuisance. Remus crawling forward, clutching Sirius’s dead body, sobbing at the claw marks gouging out his chest. Sirius’s blood soaking into him.

Gasping, he shoved away from the sink and slid down to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face in his arms. At Hogwarts, Sirius would have woken up and come over to comfort him at this point. But here he had nobody. No Sirius. No James, either. Or Peter. Not even his old pet owl, Arthur, who had passed away the previous year.

Just him, sitting on the cold stone floor of his cellar bedroom, weeping into his arms.

Alone.

Chapter Text

Hope really liked the idea of coming in to the shop with ‘her boys’. When Remus mentioned it, she was a little unsure at first, then brightened up and said she might once a week. Her first day was Friday the twelfth, and the day before that she had a lot more energy than usual. Her cheeks were pinker and her eyes were bright. When Friday morning came, she made a large breakfast and hummed as she packed three lunch pails.

The only problem was that Lyall could not do side-along with two people. He was fine with just Remus, but he was worried about Splinching if he took them both. So the Lupins woke up extra early so Hope could drive them in. It added nearly a full hour to their day, but they were all fine with that. Especially Remus, sitting in the back seat, watching the countryside go by while he listened to his parents chattering in the front.

“Mum looks so good,” Remus whispered to Lyall after Hope found a spot to park; being in the magical part of town meant there were plenty of places to park. Muggles did go through the magical part of town but it was enchanted to be ignored, to have nothing of interest to them. Remus sometimes wondered what it was like… driving through a part of a town you know existed but also at the same time practically didn’t.

“I’m glad she agreed,” Lyall said, smiling at his wife.

It was a different atmosphere in the shop with Hope there. She immediately began fussing about the cleanliness of the place and went about cleaning. Lyall and Remus exchanged looks as she took a rug outside to beat. They then went to their usual spots: Lyall in his office, Remus at the counter with a book. Hope bustled to and fro, cleaning and rearranging things to look nicer. She dumped out some old, dead flowers and made Lyall conjure some fresh ones until she could bring in some from her garden.

Otillie Crouch, the owner, even came to say hello which was unusual. She was extremely old now, and frail, and it took a lot of effort for her to make it down the stairs from her flat above. She gave Hope a hug and then slipped an old caramel in Remus’s hand.

“It makes an old woman very happy to see such a loving family,” Ms. Crouch said after she worked herself into an armchair near the counter. “Your parents are sickeningly in love.” Remus smiled at that. Despite any problem he might have with either of his parents, he had to admit that statement was very true. “What about you?” Ms. Crouch eyed him carefully. “You’re old enough for a girl now, aren’t you?”

“Most people think I’m younger, so thank you,” Remus said and Ms. Crouch laughed. “But no, I don’t.”

“When I was your age… arranged marriages were it.” Ms. Crouch shook her head. “Glad for most that’s stopped though I think it’s still running rampant in some circles.”

Remus made a face, very glad arranged marriages weren’t a thing anymore either. “Say. Ms. Crouch. Are you related to a Bartemius Crouch Junior?”

Ms. Crouch whipped her head around, eyes narrowing. Remus cowered back slightly. “Yes,” she grumped. “That’s my brother’s great-grandson. They’re not in my will, you know. None of them are.” She slammed her cane down against the floor so hard, Remus was a bit surprised it didn’t break. The cane or the floor. “My grandnephew tried to get me to sell this place years ago and go to an old lady’s home, told me I was getting ‘too far along in the years’. HAH! That’s when I cut them all out. They’re not getting a single knut. I’ve got the money, you see. My brother might have gotten the Crouch name and money, but what our father left me I turned into a good business and good investments. Always burned them to know I made more out of my meager inheritance than they did with their fortune. Once they realized that, suddenly, ‘Oh, Aunt Tillie, we love you’. PISHPOSH!”

“I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “Don’t apologize, Remus. Family’s what it is. He’s your age, isn’t he? Junior?”

“A year younger, he’s friends with my friend’s brother,” Remus explained. And cheated on one of his tests, but he didn’t say that out loud.

“I believe his father is in the Law Enforcement department.” Ms. Crouch made a face. “Never trusted anyone in that department. Bunch of crooks themselves, if you ask me.”

“Remus!” Lyall emerged from his office. “You’re not upsetting Ms. Crouch, are you?”

“Never,” Ms. Crouch spat out. “He’s a good boy, yours is. I’m just an old fool complaining about my own problems.” She pressed down on the cane as she got up, grunting. “These old bones won’t last much longer.”

“Ms. Crouch.” Lyall was at her side immediately. “Please, let me help you back up the stairs.”

“I want Remus to help me.”

Lyall gave Remus a look and he was off the stool in a shot, taking Ms. Crouch’s arm and guiding her to the stairs. Her fingers were like claws on his arm, and her body trembled slightly as she took each step carefully. Remus thought she should probably get a different place to live where she didn’t need to worry about stairs. Once they reached the door to the flat, she pushed it open and leaned against the frame.

“You’re such a sweet boy,” she said, her eyes getting watery. “It’s such a shame. Such a shame.” A few tears splashed down against his shoulder as she loomed over him, sniffling. “You’re so young. It isn’t fair. I just hope it’s less painful for you than it is me.” She gave Remus another toffee and stepped inside, slamming the door shut.

Huh?

Remus went back downstairs, scratching his head. “Dad?” Lyall turned to look at him. “Ms. Crouch—she—she said something odd. It almost sounded like she thought I was… dying.” Lyall went a bit red around the ears and Remus folded his arms. “Dad?”

“Er, that might be because she… does think you’re dying. Look, I had to tell her something.” Lyall stepped closer to him, face creased with concern. “She’s always known you’re not doing well and that sometimes I need to return home for an emergency. It isn’t any different from what you say at school.”

“I don’t tell people I’m dying!” Remus cried out and Lyall clamped a hand over his mouth, shushing him. Remus just gave him a pleading look over his hand.

“I know it sounds awful,” Lyall whispered, “but Ms. Crouch isn’t stupid. Old, yes. A fool as she claimed? Never. We have to be careful. Dying is infinitely better than a werewolf.”

They kept eye contact for several seconds until Lyall pulled his hand away. Remus stood there, wanting to argue but being unable because it was true. Ms. Crouch thinking he was dying was better. “A little warning would be nice. What if she tells someone and it gets out at school?”

Lyall’s concern was replaced with anger. “She doesn’t talk to anyone except a few people her own age. Stop fussing, Remus. It’s fine. Now get back to work.”

Hope was watching them with wide eyes from Lyall’s office as they whispered back and forth, but smiled when Lyall turned back to her. She asked if everything was fine as he returned to the back room and he kissed her cheek, promising it was. He gave Remus a look before the door shut.

Remus returned to his stool, more annoyed than he was before. Dying. Hmph. Pretending to be sick and ill was one thing… but dying? No wonder Ms. Crouch looked so pitying whenever she saw him. And no matter what his father said about her not talking to anyone, there was always—always—a chance of it getting out. How was he supposed to playact his illness if he didn’t have all the information his father gave away?! Not knowing everything was just as dangerous as anything else.

Buuuut of course he couldn’t say that to his father, so he simply stewed in his own bitterness for the rest of the day.

*

Dear Remus 12/7/74

For nearly a year now a house down the street from mine has been for sale and sometime last month it was sold. A new family has moved in. And their daughter is gorgeous! Fit as anything. Apparently she plays rugby which is a Muggle sport as dangerous as Quidditch only not on brooms. She goes running every morning. Do I sound pathetic? I probably sound pathetic. Do I wake up early to watch her run by? Yes. I do. Perhaps I should find some old clothes to put on and pretend I go running too and accidentally meet up with her. I know, it’s utterly stupid and hopeless. It also feels strange… every since I started Hogwarts sometimes it feels difficult to be around Muggles. Is that silly? I’m finding it harder and harder to slip into the world I used to belong to.

Petunia is still here with us. She’s single again and probably trying to figure out some way to blame me. I wish we’d get along like we used to again. I tried… and sometimes I am so sick of being the one who is trying! The other night at supper I was talking about school and she told me she was tired of me making everything about myself. So I asked her questions about her job and she told me to stop pretending like I care! I told her she’s the one who doesn’t seem to care and we got into a row and I ended up crying. But we did have a moment last night. It was really nice. She was getting ready to go out with some friends and I told her that her makeup looked pretty and she put some on my face. It was like old times, for a moment. But this morning we were back to fighting.

I know you don’t care, but I’ve not been able to see Severus yet this summer. I went to his house a couple of times but nobody answered though I am pretty sure they were home. So I’ve been feeling really lonely with nobody to talk to besides Bessie and she can’t talk back. If there is any way you could visit or I could come visit you, please let me know. If we go see a film I’ll pay for the ticket, it will be my treat.

I’ve included a book I just bought and read, I think you’ll like it. I hope you do! It’s a children’s book but it is so delightful, especially, I think, for us actual magic-users. You can borrow it for the rest of the summer or until we see each other again. Please write back as soon as you can!

Love always,

Lily

*

It was agonizingly hot.

Remus sat behind the counter, sweat dripping down the back of his neck as his quill scratched along some parchment. Lyall had set up some cooling spells in the shop but they only worked so well. The door was open, to try to let some air in, but it mostly just let in noise from the streets. It was only Lyall and Remus that day, as Hope said she only really wanted to help out once a week, that more than that might be too tiring for her. Remus suspected it was more because of how hot it was. He kinda wished he was at home too, lying in bed with a cold cloth draped across his forehead. At least his father had allowed him to wear shorts today. He didn’t own his own pair but Hope had found some of Lyall’s and Lyall enchanted them to shrink to fit Remus fairly well. He hated having so much of his legs showing but… it did feel nicer than jeans or trousers.

“Remus.” Lyall emerged from his office, hair sticking to his face, eyes a bit droopy. “I’m going to take a nap. Wake me up if anyone comes in.” He wiped the sweat from his forehead, glancing at the door. “Not that anyone is going to be out on a day like this. Oh, and polish the apothecary scales, please. Except the silver ones, I’ll do those.”

Why can’t I take a nap too, Remus thought miserably as he slid off the stool and trudged through the shop to the section devoted to potion-making. There were several different sets of scales and two of them were silver, which he avoided. The rest he hauled back to the counter to start polishing them. As he worked, he set his schoolbook out flat so he could read.

“… calculating the change in volume one must carefully also recognize the variables of change in mass. It is easier to take away the mass of an object than it is to add, but you must also consider the possibilities of the object being unable to retain its previous mass when transfigured back. It is easier to turn a mouse into a matchbox than it is a matchbox into a mouse due to the alterations of mass. This is why typically students are given the heavier object to transfigure into lighter. The living into inanimate. The removal of mass as opposed to the addition.”

Remus yawned and wiped an itch on his cheek, leaving a smear of polish. God, even Transfiguration seemed boring when he felt like this.

“Due to size and structure, that is also why students start with something small and simple. As again the less mass one has to deal with the easier it is to return to its natural state. Most witches and wizards learn the spells of transfigur—figure—ffiiiiaaaahhhh!” Remus yawned again. “Learn the spells of transfiguration without understanding the principles and science behind it.” He rubbed his wrist against his eyes, jealous of his father’s nap. “This is safe enough for the general population however for those who desire to perform more complicated and fancier transfigurations, they need to devote their time and—“

“Remus?”

Remus’s head jerked up as his name was said again, this time from the doorway instead of his father’s office. The voice had been familiar but he didn’t realize who it was until he saw him.

“Aegis?” Remus asked, pushing the scales away and hopping off the stool.

Aegis Silverlocke stood in the doorway of the shop, eyebrows arched, mouth slightly open as he took in what he was seeing. “It is you!” he said, turning inwards and taking a step forward. “I thought I heard your voice when I was walking. I assumed I was imagining things, from this heat.”

Remus moved out from behind the counter and towards his friend. Aegis was in his year at school, but in Slytherin. Despite being in the house that traditionally made enemies of Gryffindor, the two had become good friends. “Aegis, what are you doing here?” he couldn’t help but ask, positioning himself so Aegis couldn’t really come farther into the shop; he didn’t want to risk his father hearing them talk.

“Pandora’s cousin is getting married this autumn,” Aegis explained. “There is a very talented seamstress who runs her shop a few blocks over. Aunt Coral and Pandora are with them now and gave me some money to waste my time in town, so I did not have to sit there fawning over bridesmaids dresses.” Aegis shifted his weight to his other foot, glancing past Remus. “What are you doing here?”

Remus rubbed the back of his neck, feeling awkward. “Er. My—my father helps run this shop and this summer he decided that I should help on occasion too.”

“You’re working?”

Remus nodded, hand sliding from the back of his neck to the front, trying to hear if his father was moving around in his office. With any luck, he’d still be asleep.

“It sounds fun, working in a shop that sells all kinds of items,” Aegis said and took another step forward. “May I look around?”

No. “Of course,” Remus said, reluctantly getting out of the way.

Aegis swept past him, eyes wide as he began examining various objects. He was a few inches taller than Remus, with pale blonde hair that was always pulled back in a low ponytail, very fair skin, and icy blue eyes. He resembled his cousin Pandora Silverlocke a great deal however also, unfortunately, resembled his father, Abraxus Malfoy. Remus still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact most of Slytherin hated Aegis because he was an illegitimate child. It was so… archaic.

“Are you here every day?” Aegis asked as he studied the placard for an enchanted mirror.

Remus swallowed, eyes continually darting towards the back. “No, only three days a week. How has your summer been going?”

“Oh. As well as can be expected.” Aegis picked up a teapot and removed the lid, peering in. “Pandora is trying to convince me to join the Runes club this year. I… like Runes well enough but I don’t know if I’ll join.” He picked up a cup that matched the teapot. “How has yours been?”

“Er. More or less like this.” Remus shrugged, waving around at the shop. “If I’m not here I’m at home doing my assignments.”

“Have you been ill?”

“No,” Remus said, folding his arms and leaning against a wardrobe, watching as Aegis ran his fingers along the top of a trunk. “Mother’s been a bit, though, but not much.” His heart began racing as Aegis wandered farther into the shop. He followed, trying to keep himself between Aegis and the back office. “Are you going to the wedding, too?”

“Hmm?” Aegis blinked a few times. “Oh. Most likely not. I’m not very close with Aunt Coral’s side of the family. Ah, Remus, you do know you have got something… coppery on your face?”

Remus tried to wipe it off on his sleeve. “Er, yeah, I was, erm, polishing scales. No, don’t touch that—“

It was too late. Aegis saw a desktop sized Christmas tree and reached out to touch the silvery star on top. Immediately the lights lit up and the tree began screeching Here We Come A Wassailing, its branches flapping about like it was conducting an orchestra. Aegis jumped back in surprise, bumping into Remus, and then laughing with delight. Remus grabbed the tree, hissing at it to shut up but it was too late.

Lyall came out of his office and before Remus could even think to get Aegis out of there, he was at their side. “Hello there,” he said pleasantly, flicking his wand to get the tree to stop. “Remus, you should have told me we have a customer.”

“Oh.” Aegis smiled at Lyall; the two were nearly the same height which was a bit bizarre to Remus. “I apologize, sir, I’m not a customer. I’m Remus’s—“

“This is Aegis Silverlocke,” Remus cut in quickly. “We study together at Hogwarts.”

Aegis gave Remus a strange look while Lyall merely bobbed his head. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Silverlocke. So you weren’t looking to buy anything?”

“No,” Aegis said, stiffly. “Actually, I probably should go. Thank you.”

In the blink of an eye Aegis was out of the shop and Lyall was snapping at Remus for leaving the scales and polish all over the counter. Remus swallowed, knowing perfectly well why Aegis had hurried out, and felt very guilty. Without even thinking he pretended to pick something off the floor, said Aegis must have dropped it, and left before his father could try to see what ‘it’ was. Jogging out, Remus shaded his eyes and looked up and down the street, very glad when he saw Aegis turning a corner.

“Aegis!” Remus ran after him quickly and turned the corner, nearly running into him; he had stopped when he heard his name, but had his arms folded tight across his middle, his smile long gone. “Aegis,” he panted.

“Is something the matter?” He sounded distant.

Remus straightened up, wincing a bit. “I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “About—I know what you must think. But it isn’t—it’s not—“

“I understand.” Aegis shrugged. “You did not wish your father to know we are friends.”

He shook his head. “No. Well. Yes, but not—not for why you’re thinking—”

Aegis gave a sort of scoffing sound, sounding injured. “Because of who I am.”

“No.” Remus brushed his fringe out of his eyes, giving Aegis an imploring look. “He—he doesn’t know I even have any friends. All right? I—I’m… not supposed to have friends.”

Aegis stared at him in confusion. “Pardon?” he finally asked, tilting his head to one side. “I don’t believe I heard you correctly, because it sounded a little like you said—“

“I’m not supposed to have friends,” Remus repeated guiltily. “They—my parents… my parents don’t want me making friends at school. They… they think…” He began wracking his mind for something that sounded plausible. The truth was, they were terrified if he made friends his friends would find out he was a werewolf which unfortunately did happen… but since that only included the Marauders, Remus needed to think of another excuse. “They think if I have friends, I’ll get encouraged to overexert myself.”

“Over… exert yourself?”

Remus nodded, crossing his fingers behind his back that it sounded logical. “Because of how ill I am. I mean, they aren’t wrong, you’ve seen how wild I am with the Marauders…” He managed to laugh at that, hoping to lighten the tension. “They… think if I’m like that, I’ll end up in the hospital more than I already do. So I… promised them I wouldn’t make any friends. They don’t even know about them. The Marauders, I mean. They—they don’t know at all about James or Sirius or Peter. Or you. Or Lily.”

Aegis stood there, absorbing Remus’s words for a moment. Remus chewed his bottom lip, hoping that his lies were believable enough. They sounded a bit flimsy to him—after all, what parent would not let their kids have friends? But then he exhaled when Aegis replied with, “I see.”

“It’s stupid. I know.”

“It does seem far-fetched,” Aegis slowly agreed. “However, if that’s what is going on…”

“Aegis.” Remus stepped even closer. “You’re my friend. And everyone who knows I have friends knows you are. And one day when I can convince my parents that friends aren’t this tornado that will fling me back into a hospital bed… they’ll know you’re my friend too.”

“Tornado does aptly describe James and Sirius,” Aegis said, lips twitching a bit. “I can understand why you feel the need to hide that.”

Remus lifted his hand to put it on Aegis’s shoulder then swiftly pulled his hand back as if he were running his hands through his hair; Aegis wasn’t as touchy-feely as the Marauders were and for a second, Remus had forgotten that. “Look, I need to go back but… will you be around for a while? I go on my lunch break in about half an hour. If you want to… eat together or something…?”

Aegis brightened up before frowning. “I would like that, but Pandora should be done soon.”

“Oh.”

“I could… perhaps… come again another day?” Aegis suggested nervously. “I don’t get to see many people besides my family during the summer so it would be nice to have lunch with you.”

“All right,” Remus agreed, taking a few steps back. “I work on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.”

“I could try to come again on Wednesday. Oh!” Aegis tapped his chin. “I assume I should not go to the shop?”

“That would probably be best. I sometimes eat at the park, if you want to meet there? I have my lunch break at one every day. By the Blue Haven tree?”

Aegis gave a wave. “That sounds nice. I shall see you Wednesday at one.”

“Great! Er, see you then!” Remus turned and ran back to the shop before his father could hunt him down. He had been gone a lot longer than it should have taken someone to return something to someone else, but he figured he could say it took a minute or two to hunt Aegis down.

When he returned to the shop there was an actual customer there, and Lyall kept shooting Remus looks; he hurried to the counter to put everything away, and waited to one side while his father sold some things. Once the customer left, Remus slunk to the counter again, hoping his father had put Aegis out of his head…

“Remus?”

Remus flinched, turning to face Lyall. “I’m sorry about the mess,” he said quickly.

Lyall waved his hand impatiently. “It isn’t that, although next time don’t spread everything out as if you were out of sight from customers.” Remus ducked his head. “I wanted to talk to you about that boy that was just here.”

“Silverlocke?” he asked, trying not to grimace too much.

“Yes.” Lyall sighed and motioned for Remus to sit down on the stool. “Look. I think it is high time you and I have this talk.” Remus climbed up onto the stool and wished he didn’t feel so exposed. He’d rather be somewhere he could sink back into, and partially disappear. He did not like the tone of his father’s voice. Lyall bent forward, leaning against the counter, facing Remus. “I’m not stupid.”

“Er. I—I—I never… thought you were?” Remus asked, squirming slightly. What?

Lyall drummed his fingers against the counter, frowning. “I know perfectly well you have friends at Hogwarts.”

He nearly fell off the stool, and probably would have if he wasn’t gripping the sides so tightly. “I beg your pardon?” His chest seized up a little. “N-no, I—I don’t—I’d never—“

“Remus. Again.” Lyall glowered. “I am not stupid. I knew from the start you would make friends. And I’m fine with it.”

Remus gaped at him, unable to believe his ears. “You what?”

“Look.” He stood up straight, letting out a long sigh. “Most Muggle schools are different. The kind your mother went to… you go in the morning, have your lessons, come home in the afternoon. You spend some time with your fellow students but it isn’t like Hogwarts or Beauxbatons. You aren’t with them all day, every day, every night, every meal.” Lyall gave Remus a look. “It’s harder when it is that type of environment, to not make friends. I know this, and expected this.”

“You… expected… I would… disobey you?” Remus whispered, sliding off the stool now and backing up, afraid his father would slap him.

“Yes,” Lyall replied honestly and Remus pressed himself back against the wall. “Stop looking so frightened. I don’t care. I mean—no. I do care. I worry about you, Remus. Just… I’m not as…” He waved his hands around his head, trying to figure out the right words. “I’m not as delusional as your mother is when it comes to this.”

“I thought you—you and mum were both so—so adamant about—about—“

“Your mother is,” Lyall cut off his stammering. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like it, I just expected it. All I can really do is trust that you’ll be careful so you won’t end up being executed.” His eyes flashed as he jerked his chin around to pierce his glare into Remus. “Because if you aren’t careful—“

“I know,” Remus got out quickly. “I’m well aware of what will happen to me if people find out the truth but—you… you really… are… okay with… if… if I have…”

“If you have friends?” Lyall didn’t look happy but he didn’t look too furious. “Isn’t that what that boy was?”

“Er.”

There was a snort, and a sort of harumphing sound. “He seems polite, at least.”

“He is,” Remus mumbled, scratching at his wrists. “Polite I mean. And…” He faltered, feeling bewildered and slightly dizzy. “And my friend,” he added in a whisper, afraid this was a trap. Afraid Lyall was going to yell and scream and tell him he couldn’t go back to Hogwarts.

But Lyall merely shrugged. “I won’t tell your mother. But if she finds out, I will side with her.”

“Oh.” Remus swallowed, still pressed back against the wall, still trying to figure out what was going on. One of the last things his parents told him before he stepped onto the Hogwarts Express for the first time was not to make any friends. Friends were dangerous. They could find out the truth. Which the Marauders did, that was what stung; his parents had been right. Only they weren’t completely right, since the Marauders didn’t actually hate Remus for being a werewolf and were actually in the middle of figuring out a mindbogglingly stupid plan to try to help him which wouldn’t work…

But still.

“You aren’t… very close with him, are you?” Lyall then asked, sharply. Suspiciously.

For a second Remus’s mind wasn’t thinking ‘friend’ but something else. “N-no!” he sputtered, going red before realizing his father had meant a close friend. “No,” he added, more calmly.

Lyall raised his eyebrows. “Because… that is something I will tell you. I don’t want you getting very close with anyone. Friends are fine, but kept at a bit of a distance, all right? Otherwise there will be trouble,” he finished in a threatening tone.

Remus nodded, wondering how insane his father would go knowing how often he shared a bed with another Marauder. Or all of them, in a big pile. Couldn’t get much closer than that. “Yeah. I understand.”

“If you get too close to anyone, that’s when it gets dangerous,” Lyall continued, eyes narrowed.

“No close friends, I promise,” Remus said, nodding swiftly.

“Good. Also. Don’t say ‘yeah’ say ‘yes’, we bloody raised you better than that.” With that, Lyall turned to return to the back as Remus slowly let out a breath.

Just before the door shut, Remus squeaked out, “Dad?” Lyall glanced back. “Would… it be… okay if I… have lunch with Aegis on Wednesday?”

“It’s your lunch break,” Lyall replied before sweeping back into his office and shutting the door.

Remus slumped down slightly, hands on his face now as he puzzled over everything that had happened. His father didn’t care? That he had friends? It had been drilled into his head… all right, mostly by his mother, but Lyall had done so too. And he often made sure to remind Remus not to…

No, it was mostly his mother who did that. Reminding Remus he needed to be alone. Friendless. Have nobody. Lyall did too sometimes, just not as much… and it was usually in front of Hope.

He was… fine with Remus having friends. Not close friends. Not like the Marauders (So you need to make sure he never finds out about them, he reminded himself) but… friends like Aegis was… fine? He could… go have lunch with him without sneaking off? It made very little sense to him and part of him still felt like it was a trap of some sort…

He felt like this all day. Confused, perplexed, unsure. Sometimes he had to prevent himself from going into the office to make sure he hadn’t dreamed it. Or to see if Lyall was really Lyall, except Remus knew he was because if someone had switched bodies with him he’d be able to tell by the scent. It was Lyall who said that, and it wasn’t a dream.

Are you sure? Remus wanted to ask, over and over, and over. He yearned to sit down with his father and make him say it all again. To repeat it, to imprint onto his brain. Except if he kept harassing Lyall about it, Lyall would get mad, and if it wasn’t already a trap Lyall might change his mind. So Remus kept his mouth shut and was unable to focus on anything else for day. His foot kept jiggling, his nails were bitten down even more, and he kept scratching at himself until he’d bleed… then heal… then scratch open the wounds again.

Nothing was making sense.

There was still a sense of uneasiness when they closed the shop and Apparated back home. Remus shuffled alongside his father, staring at a pebble he was kicking while a million questions bubbled up inside of him and popped before they could reach his tongue. Lyall whistled as he walked, seemingly oblivious to the storm he had caused in his son.

“We’re home,” Lyall said, opening the door for Remus.

Hope sprang up from the living room couch, wringing her hands as she rushed forward. “We have company,” she said nervously, voice fading a bit with each syllable until the last bit of ‘company’ was difficult to hear.

Lyall froze where he was, his expression going stony. “W—“

“Remus has company,” Hope said.

Remus began to quake, terrified somehow Aegis found out where he lived. Lyall turned to look at Remus, obviously thinking the same thing. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, sh—

“Remus?”

His name was called yet again that day, from another familiar voice. This one feminine and gentle and full of love. Remus’s mouth hung open for a split-second until he began smiling, unable to stop himself as he ran forward into the living room and right into Miss Fawley’s arms.

Chapter Text

“What are you doing here?”

As Remus and Miss Fawley hugged tightly, Lyall watched, his face creased with unhappiness. His tone was far from the polite way it was with customers at the shop.

“I wanted to talk to all of you,” Miss Fawley said, hand briefly cradling the back of Remus’s head before letting go.

Lyall folded his arms. “He has his lessons at Hogwarts. He does not need them over the summer as well.”

Mythana Fawley ignored him as she sat back down, brushing off her skirt as she did so. Fawley was a beautiful witch in her thirties with long white hair and otherworldly grey eyes surrounded by blotched skin. That was due to a duel she had been in over a decade ago, when the other witch blasted her face, giving her the wounds and making her blind. That didn’t stop her from being a terrific Legilimens, and Remus’s teacher in Occlumency. Set up by Dumbledore in his first year, Remus had been taking near weekly lessons since… although did not do so good with them.

“I’m not here to request summer lessons, although it would be good for him,” Fawley said, patting the couch next to her until Remus sat down. Hope and Lyall remained standing, eyeing her warily. “I am here to request that I might borrow him on Saturday.”

Remus looked up at her, trying to hide the excitement that was surely dancing across his face. Slowly he glanced at his parents, doubting they’d say yes. Hope looked ready to cry while Lyall scowled even more.

“Why?”

Miss Fawley twisted her cane around, one eyebrow raising delicately. “It isn’t exactly my request, it’s Dumbledore’s request.” She still held her cane in one hand while her other hand lay on the couch, her finger tapping very slightly against Remus’s hand as if to convey a message he did not understand. “With Remus getting older, we think it’s best to go over where he transforms at school to make sure everything is… going well for him.”

“And you need him for that?” Lyall sneered.

“Well.” Fawley tilted her head to one side. “It is his place.”

“I don’t understand,” Hope muttered, wringing her hands more. “Why does anything need to change?”

“We’re not sure if anything does,” Fawley said smoothly, finger still tapping lightly. “That’s why we want to… go over everything. Make sure he’s still comfortable there as a growing teenager, or if anything needs to change.”

“And why can’t this happen after school starts?” Lyall spat out.

“Because if anything needs to change, it might take longer than a month,” Fawley answered. “Between Albus and myself, I can assure you Remus will be in… very safe hands.”

The corner of her mouth twitched at that and that’s when Remus realized… she was lying!

Hope looked at Lyall who rubbed his chin. “I just don’t understand. If it’s not good enough for a teenager, why was it good enough for his first three years?”

Miss Fawley sighed. “From what I understand, it is because Albus had the place built before he knew Remus. It’s served our purpose well enough but as someone grows, their needs change. He might need more space.”

Remus looked down at that, trying not to think of his itsy, bitsy, tiny cellar room where he transformed here.

“Well…” Lyall sounded dubious still, and looked at Hope who gave him a desperate look. “I don’t know. I just don’t know if I see any reason for Remus to go.”

“Is there a reason Remus shouldn’t go?” Miss Fawley shot back.

Lyall opened then closed his mouth, looking furious that she asked such a question since he couldn’t really answer it. “I think he’d prefer to stay here. Wouldn’t you.”

Remus pretended not to see the blaze in his father’s eyes. “I don’t mind going, I think it’s a good idea.”

Lyall clenched his teeth as Miss Fawley smiled. “Well then. I… suppose that’s that, then.”

“Wonderful.” Fawley rose, squeezing Remus’s shoulder. “I’ll come get you Saturday around… ten?”

“All right. I’ll walk you out,” he said, and guided her through the front corridor and out the front door. After going a little ways down the walk he put his arms around her to hug her and whisper, “What’s going on?”

“You’ll see,” Fawley promised, kissing the top of his head. “Have a good week, dear.”

After the crack of her Apparating faded, Remus went back inside. He knew his father was going to be angry however he didn’t—couldn’t—anticipate how angry. As soon as the door shut behind him, Lyall grabbed Remus and threw him against the wall. All the breath left him in a surprised gasp.

“What the hell was that?!” Lyall snarled in his face.

“Lyall, please,” Hope begged, tugging at his sleeve. “You’re hurting him.”

Lyall simply shook Remus, clattering his head against the wall. “You know damn well you are supposed to stay home with your mother. She hasn’t seen you all year, and now you go—go traipsing off!”

“I’m sorry!” Remus whimpered, clutching at Lyall’s hands, trying to get him to let go; Lyall had him pinned against the wall half a foot above Remus’s height, so his feet were dangling down and it was getting difficult to breathe. “I didn’t think you’d mind! I thought it was important—where I transform there needs to be—I thought—“

“You thought wrong.” Lyall released him and Remus fell to the ground, panting for air. “Summer is for home, not—not dealing with your life at school!”

“If summer is for home, then why am I going to the shop?” Remus snapped without thinking.

WHACK!

“Lyall!” Hope shrieked.

Remus was thrown farther to the ground by the hard smack Lyall gave the side of his head. His fingers dug into the floorboard and as the stars spun around his eyesight, he focused mostly on breathing though it was difficult with his teeth chattering.

Hope knelt down, wrapping her arms around him as the pain in his temple slowly subsided. “Are you okay?” she whispered. Remus didn’t answer. He simply shifted so he faced her, and buried himself in her chest. “Lyall, you hurt him.”

“He’s fine.”

He felt his mother’s fingers brush gently against where Lyall’s fist had struck. “He’s going to bruise.”

“He won’t, you know he won’t. Look at me, boy.” Remus forced himself to twist his head, staring blankly up at his father over his mother’s arms. “It isn’t so much you agreeing to go. It’s the fact you went against what I said as well as talking back to me. Understand?” Remus slowly nodded, clenching his teeth together. “You can eat your supper in your room.”

Hope got up, helping Remus to his feet. “Come on, darling.” She took him to the kitchen to get a plate prepared then went with him down into the cellar. Remus hugged himself, remaining silent, still feeling the fist against his head. His steps faltered slightly and his hand shot out to grab the railing so he wouldn’t fall. “Baby?”

“I’m okay,” he said a bit hoarsely.

“Your father just worries about you…”

They went into his room and Hope set the plate on the table by his bed. Remus sank down on the edge of his bed, pulling his feet up to the metal frame and hugging his knees to his chest. His mother sat next to him, arm around him again. He wanted to curl up in her arms again, but he also wanted to be alone.

I thought things were getting better between us. He squeezed his eyes shut, burying his face in his arms. Guess I thought wrong.

Hope gently pushed some of his hair back. “I’ll talk to him.”

“I don’t want him getting mad at you,” Remus mumbled, his words a bit muffled.

“He’s never mad at me,” Hope promised, kissing his temple. “You get some food and some rest, all right? I’ll come down with dessert in a bit.” Another kiss then she got up, leaving him by himself.

Slowly he released his knees and let his feet hit the floor. Blinking a few times at the dimness of the room, he stretched out to turn on the lamp by his bed. As he did, he noticed how shaky his hand was. After flicking the light on he swung his legs into bed and lay on his side, hugging his stuffed black dog to his chest; a few tears slid out, mingling into Gwyllgi’s fur.

*

Tuesday morning Remus waited until his father left before going up the stairs. Hope rushed over as soon as he emerged, hugging him tightly and planting several kisses on his forehead. She pulled him to the table, setting a plate full of some of his favorite breakfasts foods in front of him; he managed a smile for her. As he ate, she washed dishes and told him she had talked to Lyall the previous night, convincing him that it was fine for Remus to go with Miss Fawley on Saturday.

“I… don’t particularly like it,” she said slowly, scrubbing a pan over and over, “but I can tell it’s important to you.”

“Thank you, Mum,” he said, this time the smile for real.

They spent the day together, Hope hovering over him like a bee to a flower, fussing over him and doing everything she could to make sure he was comfortable. They worked in the garden together until it started raining then ran inside laughing, and curled up on the couch together while he read a book and she knitted. It was a pretty nice day, really; one of the nicer ones he had when he was at home that summer so far… though as the day stretched on and it grew closer to when Lyall came home, Remus started feeling sicker and sicker.

When the clock struck six he started shaking a bit, and twenty minutes later he heard his father coming down the front walk. Remus was still on the couch, clutching his book tightly, trying to look like he was reading and not paying attention to his father. Lyall came in, his whistles giving way to a ‘hello’ for his wife and son. Hope poked her head out of the kitchen saying hello (a bit stiffly) while Remus remained silent.

“Hey there,” Lyall said, going into the living room. “I have something for you.”

Remus glanced over the top of his book, not sure what to expect. Another punch? he refrained from asking.

Lyall smiled… and set a bar of chocolate down next to Remus. “Your favorite.”

Remus set his book down and picked up the chocolate. It wasn’t his favorite at all; even back when he preferred chocolate sweets over fruity sweets, it wasn’t his favorite. However… at least his father was trying to make an effort. “Thank you,” he said, forcing a smile on his face.

“Did your mother talk to you about Saturday?” Lyall asked, and Remus nodded, tightening the grip on the bar involuntarily. “All right. What are you reading?”

“A book,” he replied then winced. “Er.” He looked down at the book, suddenly panicking. It was the book Lily had sent him a few days prior. It was called The Ogre Downstairs. “I, er, bought it in Hogsmeade,” he lied, shutting the very Muggle book and tucking it partially under his leg. His father wouldn’t care if he was reading a Muggle book, there was just no way to explain how he got it. “About… ogres.” When he had started it an hour before, he nearly stopped because one of the first bits written was about how it was ‘only a matter of time’ before the ‘Ogre’ (the stepfather) hit one of the children. It made Remus feel funny inside, but he decided to press on which he was glad he did. Lily had been right, it was very delightful and well-written.

Lyall gave him an odd look. Remus kept his smile, hoping he wasn’t about to be hit again. “All right. Enjoy the chocolate.” He got up and went into the kitchen, and Remus let out a sigh of relief.

Supper was tense but Lyall really was giving an effort to make up to Remus what happened the night before, which made Remus feel awkward and suspicious. Until, as his mother tucked him into bed that night, she said she had asked Lyall to do just that.

“I know he can be difficult,” she said, running her fingers along the blanket and tucking it in; it was pointless to tuck him in since he’d shove the blanket off as soon as she left and stay up another few hours, but she liked doing it so he let her. “I just wish…”

“I know, Mum,” Remus said, and kissed her cheek. “Goodnight.”

After she left, Remus got out of bed and sat at his desk, doodling instead of working on his assignments. He was torn inside on how to feel. He did want a better relationship with his father… but at the same time… he kept thinking about the memory of when he was bitten. Why he was bitten. Which had been a lie his whole life until the previous autumn, when he found out the truth: that Lyall had provoked a werewolf and the werewolf bit Remus as revenge. Until then, Lyall and Hope both made it sound like it was Remus’s fault he was bitten, and Remus had lived with the guilt of what he had done to his family… but now…

Groaning, Remus dropped his head on his arms. Why did everything have to be so confusing? Lyall was his father. Whether he liked it or not. And after the chocolate bar it was clear Lyall was trying, so… Remus needed to try, too. Do better. Not talk back or be sassy.

And really, he thought, picking his quill back up, he was right. I don’t bruise. It faded quickly. And it wasn’t as if I didn’t fully deserve it, I did talk back a bit.

After a moment of staring at the ink dripping off his quill, he shook his head and went back to working on his essay.

*

Dear Remy, 16/7/1974

My week with Uncle Alphard went by far too fast. It was really nice, though. I’ve gotten even closer with him than before and understand him now better than I used to; I think he understands me more now too. I would give almost anything to simply stay with him during every single holiday. Honestly, I don’t think he’d mind too much. It’s Them that would mind. My parents.

I don’t even know what to say to you right now. Life is agony. All I do is wait until Hogwarts starts again. I’m even doing my homework, that tells you how miserable I am! The only good thing is that I have been spending some of my time in our library. I haven’t found a book on You-Know-What yet, but I’m sure we’ve got something. I’m not going to give up. I’ll search every shelf between now and September. I did find a book you might like. If I don’t find a book on You-Know-What, I’ll steal that one instead. It’s called —Vite Genvir or something. It’s all in Latin and looks boring and complicated, so I figure you’d like it.

Guess who I saw last night? Our disgusting old ‘pals’ Mulciber and Avery. Parents threw a dinner party and invited several of the Sacred Twenty-Eight main households here, at least the ‘correct’ ones, as well as a few others such as the Mulcibers. It makes me laugh so much the Mulcibers aren’t on that list. I think it burns them. Though I don’t know if it burns as much as what James and I will be doing once school starts. He found these very, very, very hot peppers for sale in the Caribbean. He says the mere smell of them made him want to cry (so we’ll keep them far from you). We plan to grind them up and put them in food intended for the Slytherins. Anyway, the dinner party was awful. Regulus kept talking to some of the other boys… Evan Rosier, Erebus Carrow, and Saber Wilkes. They’re all a year ahead of us and are simply AWFUL! The type Mulciber and Avery look up to. I finally managed to get Reg away from them and told him to avoid them. Regulus didn’t seem keen on that advice, but all I can do is hope he’ll listen to me. I really don’t want to bore you about the rest of the dinner party.

(page 1 of 12)

*

Remus was afraid with everything that happened on Tuesday, when his break came on Wednesday his father wouldn’t let him go. Instead Lyall told him to have fun. That just made the complicated feelings inside of him more complicated as he took his lunch pail and headed to the park. At least he was going to be able to see his friend. For the time being he pushed all thoughts about his father to the side as he approached the Blue Haven; a magical tree that looked a lot like a weeping willow only it gave off a bluish haze, making it even harder to see underneath the canopy.

Aegis was already there as Remus approached, waving happily. “I was unsure if you would make it,” he said when Remus finally stopped in front of him.

“I wasn’t sure either,” he replied as they ducked under the branches. There were some others under the canopy as well, but there was plenty of room for the two boys to sit down and eat. It was very strange… sitting in Caerphilly’s park with Aegis having lunch in summer. With his father knowing. It was strange just being around Aegis in the summer. Nice, but strange.

Of course the first thing they both started talking about was school, their summer assignments, and where they were with them. Remus had already finished a first draft of most of his, while Aegis was only finished with Runes and some Arithmancy. They dove into a long discussion about Arithmancy and Aegis got out some paper so they could mess around with some of the things Talkalot had assigned to them, since it wasn’t something Remus had done yet.

“Your birthday number is very simple,” Aegis said. “One and zero is simply one. Mine is a three. Now with the years… you are… hmmm…” Aegis studied the paper quizzically.

“What is it?”

Aegis glanced up. “You have a master number, for your life path number. Eleven.” He reached up, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear. “I am unsure what this means.”

Remus spread his hands out. “Nor do I. What’s yours?”

“A… three,” he sighed, “which is not… fully… well, some of it fits me. But some of it is also… threes tend to want to be the center of attention, which I do not wish to be. However, as I said, some of the other things do fit me.”

“You know what I think?” Remus asked as Aegis crossed his legs under him. “I think they just throw enough of a variety into this, that it could be interpreted broadly to fit anyone. A bit like tarot. You look hard enough, you’ll figure out the connection.”

Aegis rolled his eyes. “That is true. I thought you were enjoying Arithmancy more, though?”

“I am, I just… only parts of it,” he admitted, and Aegis laughed. “Plus it is so much like things we learn in Divination, it might as well be part of that class. But it is neat,” he added, since he knew Aegis enjoyed Arithmancy.

After a few long seconds of silence, Aegis leaned against the tree and asked, “Have you thought about what Muggle hobby you will pick up?”

In Muggle Studies they were to choose a Muggle hobby to start doing when school started again. Professor Lewis had given everyone a booklet and Remus had poured through it multiple times to no avail. He shook his head. “I’m not sure.” He was considering knitting since he already knew how to knit with magic, yet that felt like such an easy way out. “What about you?”

“I haven’t the faintest,” he sighed, flopping his head back. “There are so many options. It is fascinating to see how many things Muggles have come up with, to keep themselves entertained.”

There was a disgusted sounding scoff from the other side of a tree, where a mother was playing with her toddler.

“There’s a lot that’s similar to ours,” Remus said, and the woman scoffed again. That made him think she was listening in. “Honestly, a lot of ours are simply magicked versions of theirs. The line between magic and Muggle is really a lot thinner than most would be—“

“I am not going to sit here and let you two talk filth in front of my child,” the witch said, getting to her feet and picking her child up. Remus and Aegis looked up at her very offended face. “Muggles are stupid animals, and you’d do better to understand that!” She turned and stormed off, pushing past the branches to leave.

Remus and Aegis exchanged uncomfortable looks. The other people who were under the tree had stopped what they were doing and were looking at the two of them curiously. Neither boy liked being watched, so they gathered their things and left as well; which was good, really, since it was about time for Remus to head back to the shop.

“Oh,” he said as they reached the gate for the park. “I forgot to tell you. So. Erm. Apparently… that whole… I-can’t-have-friends thing… is mostly from my mother.” Aegis tilted his head, studying Remus, who smiled. “My dad knows we’re friends. Not… I don’t think he realizes we’re good friends, he—he doesn’t want me to get too close to anyone, but he is fine with us… you know, having lunch and that sort of thing.”

“That is good news!” Aegis clapped his hands. “So I can walk with you back to the shop?”

“Sure!”

They chattered as they went, though Remus felt nervous as they approached Otillie’s. His father saying it was one thing, seeing Remus with Aegis could be another. However as they went through the door, all Lyall did was say he was glad Remus was back, as well as give Aegis a nod. Remus and Aegis said goodbye, making plans to meet up again the following Monday, as Aegis wasn’t going to be able to Floo into Caerphilly on Friday.

“Dad?” Remus asked ten minutes later, as Lyall was getting ready for his lunch. “Ermm… thank you. I mean. For… being understanding about… having a friend.”

Remus couldn’t read anything on his father’s face as he stared at him. “If he starts getting close to the truth, you’ll be able to end things, won’t you?”

He ducked his head. “Yes, Dad.”

“Good.”

Remus winced when the door slammed shut and then he sighed, going back to the book he had been reading.

*

Remus did his best to avoid his father on Thursday evening, and on Friday Hope went with them into Caerphilly once more. Remus was glad of it, as she would provide a buffer between the two Lupin men. He was also glad Aegis couldn’t meet with him, as he didn’t need to worry about figuring out how to sneak about without his mother trying to figure out where he was going. She liked him to have his lunch in the shop, so she could sit with him. Watch him eat. Which was slightly discomfiting but he knew it stemmed from the fact he was very thin and she worried about him eating enough. He wondered what she’d say if he turned around and told her she was too thin! Except he knew what would happen. She’d laugh it off and insist she was fine. That he was more important. Honestly, Lyall was the only one out of the three of them that looked anywhere near healthy… which was good for the story that Remus inherited his disease from his mother.

“Do you know what the plan is tomorrow?” Hope asked late in the afternoon as she and Remus swept the shop.

“Not really. Only that Miss Fawley is picking me up around ten then I’m assuming Apparating into Hogsmeade.” He sneezed loudly as a dust cloud went up his nose.

Hope paused, leaning against her broom. “I don’t mean to sound… rude… but is it safe for her to Apparate?”

“Why wouldn’t it? She’s been Apparating for longer than I’ve been alive.”

“With you, I mean,” Hope added. “Sliding-along. Is it safe?”

Now Remus leaned against his broom. “I’m assuming she has a license for it. Why?”

Hope began to blush. “No, no, it’s silly, of course it’s fine.”

“Why?” he asked again, a sinking suspicion. When his mother remained silent he asked, “Is it because she’s blind?”

The pinks in her cheek turned red. “No,” she lied.

Remus started to say something a bit snarky then changed his mind, reminding himself to be a Better Son. “It’s fine,” he settled on, going back to sweeping. “I trust her.” He trusted Apparating with Miss Fawley more than he did his dad, but he definitely wasn’t going to say that.

*

Tapping pulled Remus out of uncomfortable dreams. They weren’t nightmares, but instead dreams involving boys that made him very sweaty, hot, and embarrassed. Actually, his dreams had been about Jean-Marie and involved a lot of kissing as well as hands clutching so low on his waist it might as well have been his bottom.

He staggered to the window, throwing it open to let Cocoa in. “Do you have a little owl girlfriend?” he asked and Cocoa simply stared at him. “I don’t want to deal with these feelings.” He rubbed his eyes and took the letter before getting an owl treat. “I was perfectly fine not really wanting to be kissed and now look at me.” He sat down at his desk, feeding Cocoa the treat. Cocoa was the bravest out of all his friends’ owls, ironic since he belonged to Peter who, while brave in his own way, certainly was the least brave Marauder. “I wonder what it’d be like to have a—a girlfriend.” He blushed slightly, feeling stupid for not even being able to say ‘boyfriend’ in front of an owl. It wasn’t like Cocoa could go tell Peter! “I won’t ever find out though.”

An overwhelming sense of loneliness filled him at that, and he let out a sigh, resting his head on his arm as he opened the letter from Peter. It was very short, mostly yammering on about driving and also questions about some of their homework. Remus wrote out a long reply and told Peter to send in the essay next time and he’d correct things for Pete to rewrite.

“Do you need to rest or are you good to go?”

“Hoo.” Cocoa took the letter and flew back out the window. Brave he might be, but he still had difficulty staying around a werewolf.

Remus returned to bed and hugged a pillow to his chest, wondering what would have happened in Jean-Marie hadn’t left. Though for one, Jean-Marie made it clear he wasn’t interested in Remus like that, the year difference between them was a bit much for the older boy. Two, if Jean-Marie had been staying… the kiss never would have happened. But if for some reason it did and Jean-Marie stayed… Remus would have another gay boy to talk to. It was wonderful having Lily, but there was just something about the idea of talking with a gay boy instead of a gay girl—or, rather, bisexual girl, in Lily’s case.

Maybe Jean-Marie knew more boys like them. Maybe… Remus could have…

No.

He rolled onto his other side, still hugging the pillow. Even if he met another boy like him, he couldn’t do anything. He was a werewolf! It wouldn’t be fair at all to the other boy. Nothing long-term could come of it, and it’d be cruel to string anyone along like that. Nor would Remus really… want anything short-term.

He blinked in the darkness, trying to sort his thoughts. A short-term thing could work but what was the point in that besides kissing? Which sounded nice, but… Remus wanted more than just kissing out of a relationship. Before he started realizing he was gay he hadn’t put much thought into anything like that. Most of the time coming to terms with… this… was too much of a struggle to consider what a relationship would be like. After Jean-Marie kissed him, and he realized there were other boys like him at Hogwarts… that’s when it finally kicked in, that if he were human… which… he wasn’t, and that was the entire problem now. When he thought of dating someone he thought of a life together. Even if it couldn’t be like normal boy-and-girl sort of thing with a marriage, but for him if he could date… that’s what he’d want. There was nothing against people who dated casually. Sirius dated casually.

Plus I’m only fourteen, who the hell is thinking about love and a life together at fourteen?!

He rolled over once more and closed his eyes, thinking about his homework until he managed to fall asleep again.

Chapter Text

Remus was ready for his day with Fawley and Dumbledore (maybe?) by seven. After finally falling asleep again, frustrating dreams eventually woke him up at around six and prompted him to get a shower. That woke him up fully so he got dressed and had to mope around for several hours until ten am started approaching. Lyall had been grumpy at breakfast, and Hope had been trying to hide how miserable she was all morning. She did ask Remus, several times, if he was sure he wanted to spend the day at Hogsmeade and Hogwarts to which he replied, firmly, yes. He pointed out that it was probably best if they go over his house. He was sure everything was safe, but since he was getting older and his werewolf possibly bigger…

His parents didn’t let him say anything else about it, and the conversation changed.

At 9:55 there was a knock at the door and Remus started running for it. Hope grabbed him, pulling him back, reminding him it might not be Fawley and he needed to stay hidden. However of course it was Fawley, standing on their doorstep with a smile.

“I’m not sure how long we’ll be,” she said when Hope asked how soon to expect him back. “I will get him back before dark, though.”

“Dark?” Hope gave Remus an anxious look. “That long?”

He gave her a hug in return, and a kiss on the cheek. “Love you, Mum, see you later, all right?”

Miss Fawley and Remus walked down the front walk, Hope anxiously watching them. Once they stepped off the property, Fawley and Remus linked arms, he waved back at his mother, and they Disapparated away.

They weren’t in Hogsmeade.

That’s the first thing Remus realized once he got his bearings. No mountains. Some rolling hills and lots of trees, but definitely no mountains. He turned in a circle, looking at the strange countryside, then turned to Fawley. “Where are we?”

“You’ll find out in a minute,” she said, swishing her cane around before starting down the dirt road. “Come along, then.”

Remus slowly followed, feeling nervous now. He knew she had been lying about what they were doing… but he didn’t expect it to be about where they were going. He supposed he thought they’d be going to Hogsmeade anyway. Maybe have some Occlumency lessons? Or maybe that’s what they were doing, and they were near her house. Was he going to her house? “What’s going on? I know you’re Miss Fawley, so it isn’t as if someone turned into you and kidnapped me.”

She laughed at that. “I’m glad you’ve taken the precautions to make sure I am who I say I am.” She paused and slammed her cane against the ground, waiting a moment before walking again. “It’s just over this hill.”

“If we aren’t going into Hogsmeade to make decisions about my house, what is going on?” he demanded, scrambling after her.

“You’ll find out,” she repeated as they reached the crest of the hill. “Actually, you should know now.”

Remus took the last step to the top and then stared in shock.

The hill sloped gently down and at the bottom, sitting and leaning against a fence… were the Marauders.

“REMUS!”

Peter was the first to see him and hopped off the fence, running. James and Sirius jerked around, smiles spreading as they, too, took off. Remus laughed and ran down the hill, crashing into Peter and sending both of them tumbling to the ground. James and Sirius were on them in an instant, the four of them clutching one another in a giant Marauder hug pile. All their voices overlapped, including Remus’s, and then James put his fingers in his mouth and whistled.

“One at a time!” he said, with authority.

James Potter was the leader of their group; it wasn’t just because he enjoyed bossing people around (which he did) but he had something about him that made it easy for him to lead others, and the Marauders happy (usually) to follow. He was about 5’6, had impossibly messy black hair, bright hazel eyes, aviator style glasses, and his brown skin was even browner from being in the Caribbean for a while. He was in one of his usual outfits of a painfully bright paisley shirt, and high-waisted jeans which fit his lean, Quidditch-player body well.

“Merlin, I’ve missed you!” Peter giggled, hugging Remus again.

Peter Pettigrew was the sweetest one in their group. Definitely a follower without any desire to be in charge of anything, he was as devoted to his friends as they were with him. To Remus’s annoyance, he had grown an inch in the month they had been apart, popping him up to about 5’3 and making him still taller, slightly, than Remus. His blonde hair was actually growing out of the bowl cut his mother usually had him in, and was shaggy around the ears. His eyes—bright blue with brown centers—were currently all crinkled up with happiness. He was dressed like he typically did, a drab yellow t-shirt and plain jeans.

“I’ve missed you too,” Sirius said, wrapping an arm around Remus and yanking him in for a tight hug.

Sirius Black was the most problematic one in their group, and not just because he tended to rebel against authority more than the others and got into fights. He was also, to Remus, agonizingly beautiful. He was still around six foot even, the tallest boy in their year. His skin was pale, but not a sickly-pale like Remus’s, and his pale grey eyes were almost like liquid silver. His silky black hair usually hung in waves a little past his shoulders, but today it was pulled back in a ponytail. Normally he was dressed almost exactly like James but today he was a bit toned down, wearing a black button-up (with several buttons undone showing some of his chest off) with a sort of wavy white pattern, and very tight-fitting jeans which Remus tried to avoid staring at. Especially whenever Sirius turned around.

“It’s so good to see all of you too!” Remus said, turning to look back at Fawley who had the biggest grin on her face. “How long has this been planned?”

“Since Monday, when James wrote to me,” she said, coming down the last bit of the hill. “I’m not staying, mind you. I’ll come pick you up here at around… five?”

Seven hours with the Marauders?! Remus hugged her tightly, thanking her multiple times; the other Marauders hugged her too, thanking her. Even Sirius hugged her, which made Remus happy to see. James and Peter also studied Occlumency under her at Hogwarts, although it was a secret between the five of them that not even Dumbledore knew. Sirius was the only one who didn’t take it, as it turned out he was a natural Occlumens and Fawley couldn’t even get a glimpse into his head.

“We’ll get him back to you mostly safe and hopefully sound,” Sirius joked, tousling Remus’s hair.

Fawley kissed Remus’s forehead. “Have a good day, dear one.” She gave one more smile before Disapparating with a loud crack.

The second she was gone, the Marauders were hugging each other again, laughing about how the plan worked to get Remus there, James especially smug since it was his idea.

“Where are we?” Remus asked once they pulled apart.

“A mile outside Hintlesbury,” Peter said, bouncing from foot to foot. “That’s where I live.” Then he wormed his way in between Sirius, who still had an arm across Remus’s shoulder, and Remus, hugging him. “I’m so glad you could make it too.” Their warm cheeks pressed together. “It’d be not as fun without you.”

“A real, proper, summer day for the Marauders,” laughed James, spreading his arms out. “I wasn’t sure if it would happen before graduation but we managed!”

“We need more of them,” Sirius added, folding his arms and scowling at Peter clinging to Remus.

“Sirius, er, I’ve never seen that shirt on you,” Remus said, arm around Peter right back.

Sirius brightened up. “I got it when I was visiting Uncle Alphard.”

“I think it’s ugly,” James said.

Sirius stuck his tongue out. “Only because it isn’t as garish as your taste.”

James spun and posed. “You mean as amazing as my taste! Color makes everything better.” He smoothed down his pink-orange-and-purple paisley shirt and then winked at them. “Let’s go!”

Soon the four were walking along the country lane, chattering happily; mostly it was James talking about his time visiting the Caribbean as well as excitement for the upcoming World Cup. Peter talked some about what he had been up to, for some reason not mentioning driving much at all.

After about ten, fifteen minutes of walking they came upon a small stone cottage that Remus recognized from photos. Peter began skipping ahead, throwing open the gate to the stone fence so they could get through. “Welcome to my, er, humble abode,” he said with a bow, giggling. “It’s not as… erm… grand as your house, James—“

James pinched Peter’s cheek. “It’s perfect. Show us your room!”

“Where are your parents?” Remus asked as they went inside.

“Oh, I dunno,” Pete sighed. “Mum’s off with Aunt Bethany, Dad had some business in town, and Grandpa is out fishing. Just us, for now. Come on!!”

Soon they were in Pete’s small bedroom. It was jam-packed full of stuff for all ages, as if Pete hadn’t thrown much of anything out from his childhood. Clothes were strewn everywhere, photographs and posters lined the walls, and the only books besides comic books were a pile of school books on top of his trunk, and a schoolbook on his desk. It was the messiest room Remus had ever seen, and it made him feel utterly cozy.

“Cocoa’s still returning from delivering a letter to Remus,” Peter said, shoving things off his bed and off his desk chair to make room for his friends to sit. James sprawled on the bed with Peter, Remus took the desk chair, and Sirius hopped up on the desk next to him. “I almost said ‘hope to see you tomorrow’!” Pete covered his mouth, giggling again. “That would have given away the surprise.”

“Fawley told you nothing?” Sirius asked, leaning back and picking up a toy car and turning it over in his hands. It was a Muggle toy, and didn’t do anything interesting without the person moving it. Sirius seemed fascinated by it. He began running it along the desk.

Remus shook his head. “I thought maybe we were going to Hogsmeade to see if anything needed to be done to the house there, or else maybe doing Occlumency lessons. I assumed I’d be with Fawley.”

There was a large photograph of the four Marauders hanging up between the desk and the bed, taken just a few weeks prior at the end of their third year. The four of them were squashed together on a bench outside, laughing and elbowing one another. Next to it was a photograph of Peter with the fish he had caught recently, done in the Muggle style so it wasn’t moving. He held the tiny fish up, beaming like he had won the Quidditch World Cup. A very rotund man stood next to him in waders and a fishing hat, looking just as proud. Remus could see the resemblance between Peter and his grandfather. He definitely took after the Pettigrew side of his family more than the Fenwick side.

“Soooooo…” Sirius wove the car through the air like it was flying. “When are you going to show us driving?”

“We just got here,” Remus said, but James was jumping off the bed.

“Yes, yes! Show us driving!”

“James, you’ve been in a car before!” Remus said as Sirius slithered off the desk. “You both have! It isn’t as if it’s anything new!”

James stuck his nose in the air. “There is an enormous difference between my father driving, and Pete driving. Now, come on! Let’s go!”

Remus reluctantly got up. “Should we even be doing this without any adult supervision?”

All three of them turned to stare at him.

“When have we ever needed adult supervision?” James asked, pushing his glasses up his nose and looking more than a little offended.

“Had it? Barely ever,” Remus replied. “Needed it? I don’t even know if I can count that high.”

Sirius took his hand. “Stop being a dementor and come on!”

They went back outside where Peter took them to a rather old-looking brown car. He did a twirl and flourished his arms. “Ta-daaaa! This is Dad’s old car. Grandpa’s now, and the one I’m learning in. It’s, um, a 1959 Mini and when I get my papers it’s going to be mine in the summers. Mine, guys!” He opened the doors and waved for his friends to get in.

They really expected Remus to hop into a big metal Muggle death machine with someone who had only been driving for a couple of weeks, if that. Merlin help us all, Remus thought as he climbed into the backseat. Sirius dove into the backseat as well, squashing up against Remus and grinning. Peter pushed the front passenger seat back upright for James, and then climbed into the driver’s seat. He switched on the ignition and the car gave a shuddering lurch, sputtering, and then stopping. Remus put one hand up against the ceiling and grabbed the back of Pete’s seat nervously.

“S-sorry,” Pete laughed nervously, turning the switch again. “It’s a bit old.”

“It… is safe though, right?” Remus asked.

“Ummmm. There we go,” Pete said cheerfully as the car turned on.

That didn’t answer my question, Remus thought miserably as the car began lurching out of the yard. James and Sirius were clearly enjoying themselves, while Remus fretted about still being alive after it was all said and done. Remus knew he would, if they wrecked; he’d heal up fine. The others, though…

Sirius rolled his window down and stuck his head out the window even though they were going slower than the oldest school broom could go. He then yelped and ducked back in as they passed a tree with a low hanging branch that scraped against the side of the car. The reason being they were half off the road.

“You do know you need to stay on the road, right Pete?”

“Shut up, Remus! Don’t make me nervous.”

“Erm.” James coughed. “Maybe turn?”

Remus seized the back of Pete’s seat as they headed right for a fence, but Pete jerked the wheel and they turned sharply, sending Sirius crashing into Remus. Pete then stopped the car very suddenly which sent Remus slamming into the back of his seat.

“Sorry!” Peter gasped out. “I panicked.”

“Can I drive?” Sirius asked, still half on Remus.

“NO!” Pete, James, and Remus all shouted at the same time.

Sirius stuck his lower lip out. “Dementors.”

Pete took in a couple of calming breaths before starting driving again down a fairly straight stretch of road. They picked up a bit of speed, the car bumping along and veering slightly off the side of the road every now and then. Remus kept his mouth shut. Sirius stuck his head back out the window, while James began singing loudly since there wasn’t a radio. They reached a hill and Pete sweated a bit as he shifted the car into a different gear to get more speed, puttering slowly towards the top. They reached the top and then began zipping down rather fast.

Remus began breathing hard, panicking at the speed even though they were still much slower than a broom. The fact they were in the hands of Peter being able to control this thing just didn’t give him any confidence. He gripped Pete’s seat with one hand and the back of his own seat with his other, breathing rapidly through his nose but the car simply rolled along and slowed once they got past the hill, with nothing happening until they coasted to a stop. Sirius whooped with excitement, clapping his hands like a little kid.

“Let’s do that hill again!”

Peter backed the car up and they puttered up the hill again and down the other side, nearly crashing into a fence this time. At least they were facing the Pettigrew’s cottage again and Remus rather hoped they’d keep going back into the yard. But Pete turned down a different road, nearly driving them into a ditch. He yanked the wheel the opposite way, sending Remus into Sirius this time, and then they went over another hill, speeding down the other side until Pete hit the brakes so fast the car skidded sideways.

James began laughing. “This is so brilliant!”

“Remus,” Peter said, twisting around to look at him. “Do you wanna try?”

Remus stared in shock. “Me?”

“Him?!” Sirius demanded angrily.

Pete shrugged. “He’s the only one of you I’d trust. Come on, give it a go. It’s fun!”

This is the farthest thing from fun, Remus thought as he, Peter, and James all got out of their seats and switched around so James was in the back (protesting loudly that he could probably drive very well, thank you very much), Pete was in the front passenger seat, and Remus slid into the driver’s seat. Almost immediately the panic began settling in as he gripped the steering wheel.

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

“We aren’t even moving,” Sirius noted.

Pete began giving instructions, pointing at the pedals and the levers. Remus nervously obeyed, pressing down with his feet, and shifting the lever with a shaky hand. After a lot of whimpers and moans from Remus, the car lurched forward. Right towards a tree.

“WE’RE STILL FUCKING SIDEWAYS!” Remus screamed, slamming on the pedal that he thought was the brake but instead made the car give a grinding sort of sound. He shifted his foot to the other pedal, and the car stopped.

“Oops,” Pete chuckled. “Sorry. Forgot.”

As James and Sirius busted up in the back, Peter and Remus exchanged seats so Pete could get the car slowly turned around, facing down the straight part of the road properly. They changed back and after some more fussing with the pedals and the lever, the car lurched forward. Remus panicked and stopped the car once more.

“Stop hitting the brakes every half second!” James whined.

“I could drive better than this,” Sirius said.

“I could definitely drive better than this!” James said.

“Peeeeete, let us driiiiive!” Sirius whined, reaching around the front seat to shake Peter.

“Shut up, both of you,” Remus grumbled, and the car lurched violently forward again. Remus was thrown forward and then back, hitting the brakes once more. “Okay. I’m done. That’s enough driving for now.” He threw open the door and tumbled out, clutching his chest. “I never want to drive again.”

“Congratulations, Remy dear,” Sirius said, leaning far out his window to look at the distance they covered. “You drove a whole four feet.”

Remus gave him a shaky middle finger in response.

The four of them got out of the car to take a breather, and Remus sat in the grass, head down between his knees as he tried to keep his breathing under control. By the time he calmed down and got up, James had somehow convinced Peter to let him drive, which made the panic return to Remus. Bloody hell.

Back into the back Remus went with Sirius, while James scrambled into the driver’s side. “I’ve seen Dad drive loads!” He bounced up and down, grinning. “Our car looks very different.”

“That’s because you’ve got a posh car for rich snobs,” Sirius said and James stuck his tongue out.

The car shuddered and lurched again, and James was… semi-decent at driving. They went very slow because Peter refused to tell him how to shift to a faster gear. Now Sirius was singing, arm on the windowsill, chin on his arm. Remus actually began slightly relaxing because of how slow they were trundling along, and leaned against his windowsill too, enjoying the breeze and watching some sheep in the distance. It was funny that the moment felt so magical considering how Muggle they were being right now.

“All right,” Pete said after they reached another hill. “I don’t want you driving up or down a hill, or trying to turn the car all the way around, if that’s okay.”

“I understand,” James said, following Pete’s instructions to park the car.

They switched seats and now Pete drove for a while, and Remus’s nerves returned since they picked up speed once more. Then his nerves worsened as Sirius began wheedling Peter, saying how unfair it was that James and Remus got to try driving and he didn’t, and didn’t Peter trust him? There was enough of a straight road that it would be fine, wouldn’t it? He kept harassing and harassing and harassing until Peter stupidly agreed. Sirius squealed and dove for the front even though Peter was still driving, and that made him jerk the wheel and send them half-turning. Pete had to stop the car quickly, and snapped at Sirius who gave a fluttery-eyelash apology. Pete got the car pointed down a straight bit of road and then everyone switched seats again. James and Remus in the back, Pete in the passenger, and Sirius in the driver’s seat.

Remus reached over and clutched James’s hand. Sirius uh-huhed and nodded a lot while Pete nervously gave him instructions. James clutched Remus’s hand again and they exchanged we’re-going-to-die looks.

“GOT IT!” Sirius suddenly shouted, shifted gears and hit the gas pedal. The car zoomed forward several feet and, as all of them screamed, promptly hit a tree with a loud crunch. Remus was slammed so hard into the front seat his nose crunched as well, and blood began pouring down. “Oops.”

“OH SHIT!” Peter screeched as he fell into Sirius’s lap to get the car into park. “Oh no, no, oh no, oh nonononononoshitshitshitshit!” He threw himself out of the car and began clutching his hair, hopping from foot to foot. “SHIT!”

“Oh. Merlin, I’m sorry!” Sirius got out, looking panicked.

“Way to go, Sirius!” James said as he and Remus climbed out as well, Remus pulling the shoulder of his shirt over to staunch the bleeding until his healing kicked in.

The car didn’t look too bad, really. Just a dent. But still. It was right up against a tree.

“You drove two seconds and crashed!” James laughed at Sirius who looked quite guilty and distressed.

“Grandpa’s gonna murder me!” Pete wailed, flopping across the hood of the car and sobbing.

James got his wand out. “We can fix it.”

“No!” Remus snatched his wrist. “We’re not in a wizarding area, the Ministry will know, you idiot!” He bit his lip, forehead wrinkling as he peered at the dent. “Can you still drive it, Pete?”

“I… I think so.” Pete stumbled into the car and tried to back up but the wheels were bogged down by a lot of mud which went flying everywhere. “Try pushing the front.”

The other three lined up at the hood and began pushing. The car rumbled beneath their hands and then the bit of hood where Remus was pressing began denting, and he pulled away quickly, not wanting to ruin the car any more than it already was. So instead he backed up and tried to see if there was any other way he could help while mud flew and James and Sirius pushed. About then another car came into view over the distant hill.

A police car.

Remus felt the panic returning worse than before.

“They could help us,” James said cheerfully.

Peter looked out and blanched white. “Oh, fuck.”

“What’s wrong?” Sirius asked as Pete scrambled out.

“That’s a police car,” Peter hissed, starting to breathe hard as well. He began whispering ‘shit’ again over and over under his breath as the police car came to a stop.

“Hello boys,” the policeman said as he got out, tipping his hat. “Need some help?”

“Yes, that’d be brilliant,” James said, flashing his beautiful, charming Potter smile.

The policeman looked at the car and then Peter. “Oh! Hullo, Pettigrew.”

“Hello,” Peter squeaked back.

“Saw Reginald the other day.” The policeman smiled. “He looks like he’s doing very well.”

“Yes,” Peter wheezed out. “Grandpa’s doing v-very well. He’s, erm, out fishing again today.”

The policeman began frowning and tapped the hood of the car. “Isn’t this his?”

Peter swallowed, nodding. “Er, yes.”

The frown grew deeper as he studied Peter. “Hold up now, how old are you again?”

“Errrrrrr….” Peter’s breathing grew even heavier.

Now the policeman looked at the rest of them. James still giving his Potter smile, Remus very twitchy with blood all over his face and shoulder, and then finally at Sirius with his ponytail, tight jeans, and smirk. The policeman looked particularly long at him.

“I see.” He turned back to Pete. “Peter. Do you have any papers with you?”

Remus’s legs wobbled, and Sirius grabbed him before he fell over. Shit indeed.

Chapter Text

“Well. Being arrested by Muggle police isn’t exactly how I expected the day to go,” James said cheerfully as the four of them sat in an otherwise empty room at the police station.

“We haven’t been arrested, really,” Peter whimpered, wringing his hands. “If we were they would have said so, he—he just said we had to come with him.”

“Fine. We’re going to be arrested, then,” James corrected himself, pushing his glasses up. “Thanks to Sirius.”

“Me?” Sirius scowled. “It isn’t my fault. It’s—it’s Peter’s fault.”

“MY FAULT?!” Peter screeched, jaw dropping. “How is it possibly MY fault?! You’re the one who-who-who-who wrecked the CAR! If we hadn’t wrecked, we wouldn’t have been there when he came by and even if he did he—he would have passed us and not stop and make conversation and see you looking like a-a-a misfit and it ISN’T MY FAULT!”

Sirius folded his arms. “First of all, I don’t look like a misfit, I look cool. Second of all, you let me drive. Third of all, you don’t have that driving paper thingie that he was talking about.”

Peter went several shades of red before his face settled on purple. “This was YOUR idea! You were SHRIEKING at me to let you drive!”

“Yes, but you didn’t have to say yes!”

Peter gave a choking sort of laugh. “Oh-ho-ho, you are NOT putting the blame for this on ME!”

As the two squabbled, James finally noticed Remus who had been sitting on the end of the bench, head down, hands on head yanking at his hair, breathing harder and harder, rocking back and forth as fear consumed him.

“Remus?” James placed a hand gently on Remus’s back. “Are—are you okay?”

Something jammed itself up into his chest and the sound he gave didn’t even sound human. “Okay?” He slowly looked up. “No. No, no, no I’m not okay, I’m not okay. We—we’re going to be a—arrested, James, arrested, we’re going to be arrestedmugglearrested!”

James rubbed his back. “It’ll be all right. It’s not like we’ll actually be Muggle-arrested, the Ministry will take care of everything and get us out.”

Remus stared at him, wondering if he was even aware of the words he said. “Yes. Yes, and that—that’s the problem! THAT’S THE PROBLEM! I mean—I mean—I mean it isn’t exactly safe for the Ministry to be sniffing around my business!”

Sirius and Peter fell silent as all three of them stared at him in horror.

“Merlin’s dick,” Sirius said.

Remus gave a crazed laugh. “Exactly! Yes, yes, the Ministry will get us out, no big deal, none at all, except yes it’s a big fucking deal for a werewolf in HIDING!” he squawked out, body jerking so hard he nearly fell off the bench. Sirius got to his feet, taking a few steps towards him which he barely noticed. “If they do ANY looking into who I am which, naturally, they will, then—then they’ll know and—oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!” He slid off the bench, clutching his hair so hard that he tore some clumps out. Sirius was saying his name, but he couldn’t hear it. “They’ll get the WCU. I’m—oh God, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over.” He slammed his head back into the bench, practically seeing the capture unit bursting into the room right then and there. “If I’m lucky, which I am NOT, they’ll just put me on the register and NO MORE HOGWARTS but a—a werewolf—around—kids? No, no, no, no, reservation at best but—but—“ He let out a whimpery gasp, staring at the wall as it finally hit him. “I’m going to be executed.”

Sirius knelt on the floor. “Remus—“

“I’m going to be executed. Oh God. I’m going to be killed, I’m going to die, they’re going to kill me!”

Sirius grabbed his face and forcing him to look up into his. “Remus, calm down, look at me. Focus on me, okay? We are not letting any of that happen, do you hear me?”

James and Peter were on the floor too, all three of them surrounding him. Suffocating him.

“I’m going to be killed.” He tried to bang his head against the bench again but couldn’t because of Sirius’s grip. “They’re going to execute me.”

“No. We won’t let them,” Sirius said, now cupping Remus’s face to keep him looking forward, his warm hands pressed against his cheeks, his nose an inch at most away as his eyes bore into Remus’s eyes, trying to keep him focused.

“Oh, please Ministry, don’t mind our werewolf friend, he’s harmless?” Remus asked, then the insane laughter took over until it broke up into sobs and then he twisted away from them, throwing up on the floor.

James took hold of his shoulders, pulling him back upright. “No, no, no, they won’t. Look at me, Remy. I’ll get my parents. They’ll grease some palms and get the Ministry to overlook all of this, especially you. We’ll give you a fake name, okay?”

Remus continued to hyperventilate, staring wide-eyed up at James.

“The Ministry won’t know who you are, or anything about you, I don’t care how much money it takes, I will make damn sure of that, okay?” He slid his arms around Remus’s shoulders, hugging him tightly. “I promise I’ll keep you safe. I promise.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter cried, wrapping his arms around both of them. “I’m so sorry, Remus.”

“No, it is my fault,” Sirius said, hugging all of them tightly.

Just then the door swung open and all four of them looked up into the face of the policeman who had brought them in, and a middle-aged man with a mustache and confused look.

“Peter?”

“DAD!” Peter scrambled up off the floor and threw himself at his father. “Dad, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I won’t ever do it again, please don’t let them arrest us!”

Mr. Pettigrew laughed. “Petey, boy, what have you done? Nigel’s told me you’ve wrecked your grandfather’s car and were in a bit of a pickle. Oh dear,” he added as he saw the vomit on the floor and Remus’s state.

The policeman—Nigel—went over, face white. “Oh, damn, I did not realize you were so upset, young man. I apologize for this! Carol? CAROL! Get a glass of water and some towels!”

Ten minutes later they were in an office, Remus in an armchair with a cold cloth draped across the back of his neck, a young woman lecturing Nigel about leaving four children alone in the station like that all scared. Nigel kept protesting that he had no idea how scared they were and he hadn’t meant to. Remus just kept his head down, sniffling at the cup of water in his hand while Sirius held him.

“It is all my fault,” James said loudly so all the adults looked at him. “I’m the one who wrecked the car, Mr. Pettigrew, and I will pay for any and all damages done, as well as anything that we need to pay to the… er… pl’eace here.”

“Police,” Peter muttered. James simply flashed his Potter grin. It was a wonder there wasn’t a sparkle and a ‘ding’ sound.

“You must be James,” Mr. Pettigrew said. “You’ve visited before, I think, but I was away at the time.”

James stuck his hand out. “Nice to meet you, sorry it’s under such terrible circumstances. Now… are we in trouble?” he asked, turning to the policeman.

“Of course not,” Nigel said, hand fluttering to his chest. “I do apologize for the stress. I only brought you here until I could contact Cuthbert. No money, no trouble, not even paperwork. You boys are more than free to go.”

Remus finally looked up, those words sinking in. Free? To? Go? No arrest? No Ministry? He looked at Sirius who grinned at him, pulling him in for a close hug. “See, it’s okay,” he whispered in Remus’s ear, practically nuzzling him.

It wasn’t long before they were in Mr. Pettigrew’s car, heading back to the cottage. Remus was slumped in the backseat between James and Sirius, while Peter was in the front, head bowed as his father lectured him heavily about stealing cars and wrecking them.

“Is your friend all right back there?” Mr. Pettigrew suddenly asked. “The one with blood and, er, sick all over him?”

“That’s Remus,” Peter said miserably. “And the other is Sirius.”

“Remus and Sirius,” Mr. Pettigrew repeated. “I’ll never be used to some of the names your kind use. No offense,” he added over his shoulder. “I do like those names. Say, you don’t have a twin named Romulus, do you? I hope not!” He laughed heartily while Remus forced a weak laugh out as well. “We’ll get you cleaned up at the house. And I’m sure you are all starving. Does Dad know you took his car?”

Peter winced. “No, sir.”

Mr. Pettigrew sighed. “I can’t be too mad, I’ve done something similar when I was young. Ah, here we are.” They pulled up to the cottage and once inside Mr. Pettigrew fetched some clean clothes for Remus to change into while he washed the blood-and-sick covered ones. They were Pete’s clothes and hung on his thin frame, but they smelled like Peter and that comforted him.

The rest of the afternoon went by quickly. After Mr. Pettigrew fixed them all a big lunch, they sat in the living room watching the Pettigrew’s telly, James and Sirius a mere foot away from it. Remus sank back into the Pettigrew’s couch, sipping tea, and feeling a lot better than he had earlier.

Pete’s grandfather came in at some point, harumphing a lot and peering down his nose at Pete’s friends, at least the two he hadn’t met before. He told Remus he was too thin and Sirius he was too punk.

“At least you have a nice English name even if you’re not English,” Mr. Pettigrew the elder said to James before glancing at Sirius and Remus. “What were the other ones?”

“Sirius and Remus,” Peter mumbled. “And James is English, I told—”

He snorted. “Fairy names.”

“Grandpa…”

“Peter, boy, you have odd taste in friends,” he grumbled. “That one looks like he’s dying and the other looks like a thug.”

“Dad,” Mr. Pettigrew the younger warned.

“I can’t say what I want to say?” the elder demanded.

“Grandpa, please,” Peter whined. “They’re my friends, and you’ve seen their pictures, and Remus isn’t dying!”

“Yes, there’s a big difference between their school uniforms and that get-up!” he shook his cane towards Sirius. “Showing off your chest like that. Is that a ponytail?”

“Stop insulting Peter’s friends,” the younger Pettigrew snapped.

The elder one shook his head. “I’m not insulting them at all! I’m just saying—“

“I apologize for my father, boys, he’s—“

“You don’t need to apologize for me,” the senior said. “I haven’t insulted any of them. Have I insulted you?” he demanded of James. Peter was wringing his hands, looking practically on the verge of tears.

“Er, not—not me,” James said, looking unsure on how to reply. “Sirius doesn’t really look like a thug, though, and Remus, er, he’s not—that isn’t—“

That’s when the door opened, and Mrs. Pettigrew came in. She paused when she saw the large group. “I wasn’t aware we were having company,” she said, hanging her hat up.

“I said my friends might be coming today,” Peter said, stamping his foot.

Two more people came in behind Mrs. Pettigrew; a woman who resembled her, and a boy that Remus recognized. Benjy Fenwick, one of the Ravenclaw Quidditch players and Peter’s despised cousin.

“I keep forgetting you have friends,” Fenwick said maliciously. “Merlin, Black, is there a reason your shirt is half-undone? You look ridiculous.”

Peter buried his face in his hands. “Oh my God.”

“What are they doing here?” Mr. Pettigrew the young asked in a polite yet stiff tone.

Mrs. Pettigrew forced a smile on her face. “They are my family, dear.”

Mr. Pettigrew senior got up. “If this is becoming an occult gathering in my house, I’m leaving.“

“It isn’t your house, Dad, it is Bertie’s house, and mine,” Mrs. Pettigrew snapped, “although you are welcome to leave.”

James decided to take the lead as usual, at least for the Marauders. “Why don’t we go outside?” he suggested to them, which they all agreed on wholeheartedly, quickly leaving the very awkward moment and unfortunately being followed by Fenwick.

“I am so sorry,” Peter moaned. “I’m so embarrassed.”

James put an arm around him. “It’s all right, Peter.”

“For you,” Sirius said, folding his arms. “He was downright rude to Remus.”

“He’s rude to everyone,” Fenwick said, hovering nearby. “Though I’m sure you probably deserve it. The high-and-mighty Noble House of Black heir, slumming about in a Muggle place, eh? Why are you even here?”

“Why did you lose the Quidditch game against Gryffindor when they were down two players?” Sirius asked sweetly back.

Fenwick flushed red, hands curling into fists. “You’re such a prick.”

Sirius simply lounged back against a tree, smirking. Peter was hiding the snickers behind his hand, James grinned, and Remus pulled up the collar of his shirt which was sliding down revealing too much shoulder.

Fenwick glanced at all four of them. “You know, I guess I can see how Pokey made friends. Pratty, Barmy, and Loopy.”

“Don’t call him Loopy,” Sirius spat out.

“Fenwick, is there a reason you’re bothering us?” James sighed, adjusting his glasses.

Fenwick shrugged. “My mum made me come over. Nothing else to do in this middle-of-nowhere boring abode, is there?”

Remus tugged the collar back up since it was sliding down his shoulder again. Sirius unfolded his long limbs, striding over and yanking his hair out of the ponytail. “Here.” He tugged the shirt back and twisted it, tying it with the bit of elastic he had been using to keep it in place.

“Thank you.” Remus tried not to blush as Sirius squeezed his shoulder before returning to lounging against the tree, combing his hair with his fingers.

“Say, Wicky, you ever play truth or dare?” Sirius asked.

“Don’t call me that. And no,” he grumbled, “that’s a child’s game.”

James, not having any idea what Sirius was going to go for but obviously backing him up without a bit of information, cocked his head to one side. “Not the way we play it.”

Fenwick shook his head, stalking away from them. “I am not playing ‘truth or dare’ with my loser cousin and his loser friends, especially when one loser friend is a bloody Black.”

Now Sirius inspected his fingernails. “Guess what’s why you’re not in the house of the brave.”

Fenwick froze and turned. “You calling me a coward, Black?”

Sirius smiled. “I’m not calling you not a coward.”

“Sirius,” Pete whispered uncomfortably. “I’d rather not have anything to do with my loser cousin either.”

Fenwick laughed at that. “Aw, the little mouse is trying to be brave.” Peter went red, glaring at him, while James straightened his shoulders and stood a little in front of Pete to protect him. “How cute.”

Remus did not want this to end up in a fight, and wished Sirius would stop provoking people. He scurried over to sort of stand between Sirius and Fenwick. “How about the four of us go… er, take a walk or something?”

Sirius slid his arm over Remus’s shoulder and drooped down, leaning heavily against him. “Remy, you don’t need to try to be the peacekeeper right now. It’s okay.” He leaned in, cupping his hand around his mouth and Remus’s ear to whisper, “This jerk needs to be put in his place.”

Remus wriggled away, turning his back to Fenwick to face Sirius. “I’m not trying to be peacekee—okay, I am trying to be peacekeeper right now but I’d rather not deal with any drama at the moment considering what we just went through, thank you very much.”

“You should listen to your little friend,” Fenwick said, his hand coming down onto Remus’s shoulder, making him jump at the sudden—and uncomfortable—contact.

“Don’t touch him,” Sirius snapped.

Fenwick drew in a breath to say something back but the front door to the cottage opened, and Ms. Fenwick came out, face twisted in annoyance; she marched over and told Fenwick they were leaving, and before anyone could respond, she took hold of her son’s arm and Disapparated.

Fenwick’s hand automatically tightened on Remus’s shoulder.

And he was being yanked through the darkness too.

Remus rolled onto his stomach and got on all fours, coughing a bit and trying to make sense of what just happened. Immense pain dug its way into his foot, and he let out a cry, slumping down and rolling back over, pulling his foot up to clutch at it. He was in the yard of a tall, narrow house, which sat among other tall, narrow houses in what seemed to be a little village.

Fenwick loomed above him, rather pale.

“Mum, we’ve kidnapped Lupin.”

“What in Merlin’s name?” Ms. Fenwick looked down her nose at him. “Fairy dust,” she swore, “have you been Splinched?”

“No,” Remus wheezed out, a blatant lie as it felt very much so like he had been Splinched and was now missing a toe. He opened his hands slightly to see in horror a bit of his trainer was gone along with a bit of his toe. Not the whole toe, at least which meant a quicker heal. “I’m fine.”

“Sorry, Lupin.” Fenwick offered a hand which Remus didn’t take; he remained on the ground. “Didn’t mean to grab you like that. Erm. Welcome to our home,” he said with a laugh and a bow, and his mother smacked the back of his head. “Ow!”

“Don’t be so facetious, the poor boy’s in pain. He has been Splinched.”

“I haven’t,” Remus lied again, clutching his foot tightly, waiting for his werewolf healing prowess to kick in. “Only a little nick. It’s mostly my shoe.” First a Muggle police station and now Splinched. Good Lord, spending a summer day with the Marauders was dangerous.

Another POP and Mrs. Pettigrew appeared, along with Peter.

“REMUS!” Peter shrieked, throwing himself on top of him. “Oh, God, we were so worried! Are you okay? Is that blood? WERE YOU SPLINCHED?!”

“I wasn’t Splinched,” Remus said, not letting go of his foot, very happy that Peter had come with his mother; it was giving him enough anxiety having to deal with the Fenwicks, if it had just been Mrs. Pettigrew he might have broken down. “My shoe was, a bit.”

“But—“ Peter started; Remus gave him a desperate look, and he fell silent.

“I am sorry about the mistake, Susan,” Ms. Fenwick sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I didn’t even realize Benjy had his hands all over the boy.”

“I didn’t have my hands all over him!” Fenwick argued, rolling his eyes. “Merlin’s left te—…” He glanced at the two adults and went slightly red. “Toe,” he finished, a little pathetically. “No offense, Lupin.”

Mrs. Pettigrew knelt down next to Remus. “Let me see, please.”

“It’s fine,” he said, sweating now since it was still bleeding a bit and hadn’t healed. Was Splinching considered dark magic? He didn’t think so; it could be healed on people without much issue. Mrs. Pettigrew ignored him and tried to pry his hand open, which he kept tightly clamped around his foot. “Really, I’m fine.”

“If you’re fine why won’t you let me look?” she demanded. “We should probably take you to Saint Mungo’s.”

“No!” Peter cried out and Mrs. Pettigrew glanced up. “Er. If Remus says he’s fine, he’s probably fine. We should just get back home. James and Sirius are frantic.”

Mrs. Pettigrew frowned. “I’m not going anywhere until I see if Remus needs to go to Saint Mungo’s or not. Now please, open your hand.”

Remus very, very slowly loosened his fingers and pulled his hand back… and was very relieved to see the injury had healed. There was a decent amount of blood and a very red scar, but no real injury. “See? My toe’s all there. Just a cut,” he said, running his finger along the fading scar, pretending as if it was a cut, hoping Mrs. Pettigrew wouldn’t look too close.

Thankfully she got back up, brushing her skirt off. “Barbie…”

“I know,” Ms. Fenwick said. “I am very sorry about this. It is Benny’s fault though, not mine.”

“Sure, blame it on me, you didn’t give me any warning!” Fenwick argued, folding his arms.

Mrs. Pettigrew took hold of Remus’s arm, helping him up. “I’m going to take him then I’ll be back for you, Petey.” They Apparated, appearing back in front of the Pettigrew’s cottage.

James and Sirius began shrieking, flinging themselves at Remus and hugging him tightly. Mrs. Pettigrew Disapparated then returned with Peter, who joined the hug. Remus kept insisting he was fine, that nothing was wrong, but Mrs. Pettigrew took him inside to get him cleaned up anyway. Remus pretended as though he were embarrassed for anyone to look at his foot, and took the healing potion to apply himself. He cleaned his foot off, dabbed some of the potion on the clean skin, waited a moment, then yanked his holey sock back on.

He stepped back out into the corridor, his ruined shoe in one hand, not sure what to do or how to explain to his mother what happened when he got home. If she thought Miss Fawley nearly Splinched him, Remus would never be able to go anywhere with her again… except Mrs. Pettigrew was an expert seamstress, and, after Sirius found the bit of trainer left behind (along with the tiny bit of Remus’s toe left behind which Sirius threw out), Mrs. Pettigrew fixed the trainer with it being no worse for wear.

After that the Marauders wandered out into a nearby field where Remus collapsed down, laying flat on his back and staring at the sky.

“It’s been an adventure today,” James laughed, sitting down with his legs out.

“That’s one word for it,” Peter muttered from where he stretched out on his belly next to James.

“You weren’t the one Splinched,” Remus grumbled.

“How’s your toe feel?” Sirius asked, sitting right next to Remus.

Remus closed his eyes. “Fine.” His toe felt fine, the rest of him didn’t. He was utterly exhausted from everything that had happened. The anxiety of being in the car, the terror of being in the police station, and then being briefly kidnapped. All he wanted to do now was to go home and curl up in bed for the rest of the day, but it was still a while before Miss Fawley would be fetching him.

At least the Marauders didn’t get into any more craziness. They spent the rest of their time together in the field, talking, laughing, playing little made up games, sword fighting with sticks, daydreaming, and then Remus watched as the three others chased each other around and also had races, which James and Sirius always won. The only ‘adventurous’ thing that happened was when they wandered too far into another field and James fell into some cow dung.

Remus’s clothes were clean when they returned to the Pettigrews and he changed out of Peter’s clothes, thanking him for letting him borrow them. Soon after that they headed down the road to where they were meeting Miss Fawley, although Mr. Potter appeared before she did, rolling along the country lane in his posh car. James and Sirius hugged Peter and Remus goodbye, Sirius’s hug to Remus being very, very tight. As the car drove off, James and Sirius leaned out the windows, waving until they were out of sight.

“What a day,” Peter said, sitting on the fence as they waited.

“I am exhausted.” Remus perched next to him, swinging his legs, staring down at his foot.

Peter gave him a worried look. “Is your toe really okay?”

“It is, honest. It healed up fine.” He stretched his leg out, flexing his foot forward and back. “It still feels a little funny but I think it’s my imagination.”

Peter put an arm around him, hugging him. “You’ve been through too much today. What happened in town and then my aunt… ugh, stupid Benjy! Why was he grabbing you like that anyway?”

“He did apologize for it,” Remus said.

Peter blinked. “Benjy? Apologized?” He then brought the back of his hand to his forehead and pretended to faint backwards, his other hand holding the fence post to prevent himself from falling clean off. Remus laughed and grabbed his shirt, yanking him back upright. “Sorry,” Pete giggled. “It’s just, I’m not sure if I believe you on that one.”

“I am glad we had today, though,” Remus promised, suddenly finding himself holding Peter’s hand and not entirely sure how it happened. He didn’t mind, though. “Summer is awful, not being able to be around you three.”

Pete nodded glumly. “Yeah, same here. I miss you guys so much. It sucks rotten plimpy eggs.”

Remus bumped his shoulder against Pete. “That it does. Miss Fawley!”

She Apparated nearby, turning when she heard Remus’s voice. “Hello dear. Did you have a good day?”

Remus exchanged looks with Peter and then, deciding it was better not to go into everything that happened yet, smiled. “Brilliant, thank you.” He hugged Peter tightly. “See you in September!” then went over, taking Miss Fawley’s hand, and waving at Pete until he was Apparated back to Wales.

Chapter Text

Hope wasn’t too happy when Remus didn’t talk much about his time with Fawley and Dumbledore. He said everything was fine and they had lunch. She pestered him for a while regarding why it took seven hours, and he simply said they had gone over the house, discussed some school things, and practiced some Occlumency. Lyall grumbled, saying he didn’t like surprise visits like Fawley, and to make sure she knew in the future to write instead of just showing up.

The next day was fairly warm and heavy so, after breakfast, Remus stripped down to his pants and lay on his bed, thinking about the previous day. It was so good to see them all. Especially Sirius. Not just because he was—not because he was good-looking, but because it helped ease some of the worry Remus had about him and his… family. Dealing with his abusive family all summer. It was—

The door opened and Hope came in. “You were gone all day yesterday and—“

“MUUUM!” Remus screeched, grabbing his sheet and yanking it across himself. “I’m only in my PANTS!”

Hope raised her eyebrows. “I’ve seen you in less. I gave birth to you.”

Remus burned red, clutching the sheet. “That isn’t the point! Please, knock first!”

She looked a bit cross at that. “I don’t understand why you’re so embarrassed, I’m your mother—oh, were you doing something… private?”

“Oh my God,” he moaned, covering his face.

“Because that isn’t a very healthy thing to—“

“I WASN’T DOING THAT!”

Lyall came down the stairs. “What is going on? What is with the screaming?”

Hope was backing up quickly. “I think you need to talk to him again about—about—about men things—“

Remus groaned and grabbed his pillow, putting it over his head and pulling the sides down, covering most of his face except his mouth. “I wasn’t doing anything, I just—I’m in my pants and Mum came barging in without knocking!”

“I did not barge in,” Hope said, offended. “I only came down here to visit with you, since you were gone yesterday. I missed you!”

“This is my room—“

“This is my house,” Lyall said sharply. “If you’re going to be rude to your mother about this, I might just have to take away your bedroom door completely.”

The pillow dropped aside as Remus gaped at his parents. “That isn’t fair!”

“Yelling at your mother isn’t fair,” Lyall replied.

“So I’m not allowed any privacy?” he demanded.

Lyall frowned. “What privacy do you need, unless you’re… er…”

Remus folded his arms. “Masturbating?” Both his parents look acutely uncomfortable. “I wasn’t, and—and doesn’t everyone deserve some privacy?”

“Not sassy teenagers that push their parents’ buttons,” Lyall warned, pointing at him.

Remus clenched his teeth, swallowing back an argument; it was pointless. Anything he said would simply further antagonize his parents—his father—and he didn’t want his bedroom door to be taken away. “I’m sorry,” he forced himself to say, and both his parents looked relieved. “Mum. Let me get dressed again and I’ll come upstairs and we can—er—spend some time together.” It felt like something scraping at his insides with each word he got out.

“Was that so hard?” Lyall asked.

It took more effort than Remus thought possible not to say yes. His parents left him, and he flung himself back on his bed, grumbling to himself for a moment before getting up to get dressed again.

*

At least the following day was an Aegis day. All day Saturday with the Marauders, and I also get to see Aegis occasionally, he thought cheerfully to himself as he shoveled his breakfast down. Until Hope suggested Remus stay home. He froze, fork halfway to his mouth. Hope went on to say that since Remus had been gone on Saturday, it might be best to let him ‘rest’. Remus argued that the full moon wasn’t for ages, and Hope replied that ten days wasn’t ‘ages’ and besides, it had nothing to do with moon and everything to do with taxing himself too much. Lyall shut down the argument by saying Remus needed to learn the trade, and that was that.

It was a rainy day, which meant a slow day, so the morning went spent double-checking the inventory. Remus trailed along behind his father, hiding yawns as he marked off a list and counted down until his lunch break. If Aegis showed up, that is. With the rain, he might not, and as one pm neared, he grew more and more sure that Aegis wouldn’t.

At five till, the door opened and Aegis came in, pushing back the hood of his rain cape. “Hello Remus.”

“Hey Aegis!” Remus hopped off the stool, brightening immediately.

“Sorry I am a little late, I flooed in and saw it was raining so I needed to return to get my cape,” he said, taking the cape off and shaking it out the door a bit before hanging it up.

“You’re not late.” Remus felt bad for Aegis wasting floo powder, then realized a few knuts probably wasn’t as difficult for Aegis to come by as it was Remus. “Did you have a nice weekend?”

They chattered for a few minutes until Lyall told Remus he could go, and the boys grabbed their cloaks and went out into the drizzle. Remus really wasn’t sure what they were going to do; there were shelters in the park but with the window blowing they’d probably be wet. He wondered if under the Blue Haven would be dry… maybe they’d have to go back to the shop, but he also didn’t want to worry about Lyall being around.

Aegis walked briskly down the walks, with a purpose. He led Remus to a pub and opened the door for him. “How about we have lunch here?”

“Oh.” Remus clutched his lunch pail, growing a bit pink. “I… er…” He licked his lips then slowly took the cape off. “All right.” He hung the pail up under his cloak and followed Aegis to a table.

“It is not as wonderful as the Three Broomsticks,” Aegis whispered as he slid a menu over, “but it is good. I ate here the day I was with Aunt Coral and Pan.”

Remus pretended to peruse the menu then simply ordered a glass of water, insisting he wasn’t hungry. Aegis frowned, asking if he was sure, and Remus promised that he was fine. Suddenly Aegis went a little pink and told the waitress it would be a moment.

“I am so sorry,” he said after she left. “I… did not think about…” He trailed off and coughed. “In any case, please. Allow it to be my treat.”

“Oh, no, really, I’m not hungry at all,” Remus said nervously, not wanting Aegis to spend his money on him. But at that moment Remus’s belly gave a little gurgle. Aegis raised his eyebrows, and Remus ducked his head. “That’s… er, I’m feeling a bit sick. Is all.”

Aegis nodded but when the waitress returned, he ordered two of the same thing, ignoring Remus’s protests. “Think of it this way,” he said, leaning forward across the table. “Imagine how furious Lucius would be knowing some of the money our father gave me is going towards the boy who broke his jaw.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh at that one. “I—I suppose, yes… all right.”

After they got their drinks, Aegis brought up Arithmancy. “I read about your life path number, by the way. Did you?”

“Not… yet.”

He looked a little excited. “You have a life path number of eleven which is one of the master numbers. I was right, you do not diminish it into a two. Are you ready?” Remus shrugged, suspecting whatever it was would fit him with the way Aegis was smiling. “Most likely you are shy and misunderstood.”

A smile tugged at his lips. “That’s a great start.”

“You are very inventive and brilliant. You prefer to be diplomatic. You also have a good sense of humor. Ideas can come to you without any… connection.” Aegis took a sip of his water then ran his finger across the glass, rubbing off some of the condensation. “You tend to run from conflicts. You have high expectations for yourself and are very critical about yourself. You try to blend in, but feel like you stand out. You tend to feel different from everyone else.”

Remus took a swig of his water, deciding for the millionth time that he hated Arithmancy.

“You probably have some big ambition in your life that you feel you will never achieve,” Aegis continued.

Is this my life path number or is he somehow reading my mind? Remus thought bitterly.

“You probably suffer a lot of stress.”

Now Remus laughed, finding the whole thing ridiculous.

“What?” Aegis asked.

“It’s—I don’t know. It’s…”

“Accurate?” Remus took another swig. Too accurate. “You haven’t heard the best part,” Aegis said and Remus gave him a long look. “Because you are essentially a more…” He began pulling his hands out, obviously trying to think of the word. “A more intense two, all the two things fit you as well, which are generally the same things I’ve said. But also… twos, and therefore elevens, also tend to be… the power behind the throne, so to speak.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “How is that me? That’s the least like me out of everything you’ve said.

“Oh?” He tucked his hand under his chin and smiled. “So all of James and Sirius’s endeavors are strictly them without you doing anything to facilitate the pranks?”

Remus blinked, remaining silent.

“You do the work, they get the credit.”

“I think we’re done talking about Arithmancy for now,” Remus said uncomfortably, glad to see their waitress emerging from the back with a tray. “Our food’s here, anyway.”

Aegis had ordered them jacket potatoes practically drowning in butter. They were absolutely delicious, and neither boy spoke much as they ate. Remus was glad since the jacket potato was one of the lesser expensive things on the menu which made him feel better about Aegis paying. He declined dessert, though, and soon the two were back out in the rain. They spent the remaining time together walking very slowly back to the shop as they discussed a book series they both enjoyed, and once they got there… Lyall said he was going to take his break and he didn’t mind if Aegis stuck around. So they spent a bit more time together talking until Aegis had to go, making plans to meet again on Friday.

“My mum will be here so we’ll have to meet somewhere,” he said, going to the door with him.

“The Blue Haven tree if it is nice, and the pub if it is raining?” asked Aegis, and Remus agreed. “All right. I shall see you then. Have a good day, Remus.” He pulled his hood up and ducked outside.

Remus shut the door and returned to the counter, feeling a blossom of warmth unfolding in his belly.

*

REMUS

TELL POTTER HE IS DEAD

I AM GOING TO KILL HIM

*

Dear Lily, 24/7/1974

I understand that you hate James and I apologize for anything he did, but what did he do? If you wish to kill him when school begins again, I can try to give you an alibi if that helps. But in all seriousness I am VERY confused, and want to know what on earth he did to you in the middle of summer?!

Remus

*

“The life path number is a bunch of gnome shit,” Remus said when he and Aegis met up on Friday underneath the Blue Haven tree. Aegis was already there when he showed up, curled up on the ground with a book in his lap. He glanced up at Remus’s voice, and furrowed his brow.

“Why is that?”

Remus threw himself on the ground next to him. “Sirius is a life path number of two. Reserved. Shy. Peacemaker. Oh, that’s him.”

Aegis laughed at that. “There are other aspects of twos, you know.”

“Yes, I read. Some does describe him, but not much.” Remus picked up a flower and twirled it between his fingers. “James is a one, which fits him perfectly, I admit. But Petey is a three, like you, and that’s not fully him.”

Aegis set his book aside. “Did you also read about how it isn’t only about life path numbers but also what they are influenced by?”

Remus squinted at the flower. “Yeah, there are also influences from the other numbers. Sirius is influenced by an eleven, a three, and… a six.” The six was what annoyed him, because sixes literally said something about how they have great concern for the weak and downtrodden, and all he could think was how much that did fit Sirius and his weird obsession with being there for Remus. Three also fit him very well.

Aegis crossed his legs at the ankles. “Perhaps I should pick up Divination this year. Do you think I would be far behind?”

“Not necessarily.” Remus rolled over and sat up, scooting back so he was leaning against the tree trunk next to Aegis. “It happens sometimes. Do you really like the divining aspect of Arithmancy?”

“It fascinates me, yes.” He reached down, flicking a bit of dirt off his trousers. Even in the heat of summer, he looked pristine and cool while Remus was a sweaty mess. “I did not expect to be as fascinated with this as I am. Although I do love runes, and one can use runes to divine as well.”

“We haven’t done much with rune divining in Divination yet.” Remus drew his knees up, wrapping his arms around them. “D’you really want to take four electives, though?”

Aegis rolled his eyes at him. “Says the boy taking all five electives.”

Remus smiled back. “Yes, and it’s bloody exhausting.”

“Are you not dropping any this year?”

“No…” He tipped his head back against the rough bark, closing his eyes. “I want to get all twelve O.W.Ls.”

Aegis gave a rather delicate snort. “It is when you say things like that that make me believe the rumors about you. No offense,” he suddenly added, looking a bit horrified.

Remus merely laughed. “That’s one aspect of insanity I shall gladly accept.”

He ran his hand lightly over the grass, the blades skimming his palm. Throughout his time at Hogwarts, the other students viewed him as not being entirely mentally stable which never really bothered him. But in the last term of his third year, things grew increasingly worse due to a series of events, and he was pretty much seen as Loopy Lupin to everyone. Even people he thought wouldn’t see him that way. All right so walking around with blood all over his hands and a blank look in his eye wasn’t the most helpful, but still.

“If it is too much, you will drop an elective or two, won’t you?” Aegis asked, forehead creasing in concern.

“Yes,” Remus lied, having no plans whatsoever in dropping anything. He was getting those O.W.Ls. And, if possible, twelve N.E.W.Ts which was… extremely rare. Only a couple of students had managed in the history of Hogwarts, and the likelihood of him joining their ranks was nearly impossible. “Oh, we should probably eat. At least, I need to eat. I brought us both lunch.” He had promised to bring lunch today, since Aegis paid last time.

It had been difficult convincing his mother to let him pack his own lunch, but he had finally managed, and secretly squashed twice as much food in his lunch pail without her noticing. Two chicken sandwiches, two bags of crisps, two apples, and two bottles of juice. He hoped Aegis liked apple juice, and Aegis insisted he did.

They saved bits of their crust to toss at some ducks in a nearby pond which turns out to be a bad idea since they completely missed the sign that said Warning, Goose Suffering Enchantment Gone Wrong. Do Not Come Near Pond If Wearing Blue. It took all of ten seconds for Aegis to drop all his bread crusts and run off shrieking as a goose chased him, and Remus chased after the goose, trying to get it to go away. Everyone else in the park laughed at the sight, and a young wizard came over to help wrangle the goose back into the pond.

Aegis collapsed back on a bench, clutching his chest, panting hard. “I thought I was going to die!”

Remus fell next to him, trying his best not to laugh. “Are you all right? Did it bite you?”

“It got a little bit of my ankle…” Aegis tugged at his trouser leg to show a small wound.

Remus winced. “We should clean that off quickly. Come on.”

They went to the pub which was the nearest place they knew would have a public lavatory, and crowded in the single toilet room. Remus got a paper towel damp and carefully wiped off the spot, wishing he had some sort of medicine to properly clean it. He wasn’t sure how filthy a goose mouth was, but he imagined it wasn’t very clean.

“Come with me, let’s see if we can get something to sterilize it.” Without thinking he took Aegis’s hand and pulled him out of the bathroom and over to the barkeep. Aegis’s hand was very warm, and slightly sticky from some of the apple juice that hadn’t been washed off.

Before Remus could speak, Aegis said, “Pardon me, Miss, I was bit by… er… well, I was wondering if you might have something that I can clean it with?” He reluctantly showed the wound on his ankle.

The barkeep began laughing. “Go near the duck pond, did you, love? Have a seat. Up you pop.” She got a bottle of potion out from behind the bar and put some on a napkin for him. As Remus worked, she said, “Gwaedlyd Saesneg byth yn darllen arwyddion.” Bloody English never read signs.

Remus pressed his lips together as he carefully dabbed at the wound. “Na, roedden ni ychydig—“ The barkeep’s head snapped up, and red crept across her face. “—droedfeddi ohoni ac wedi methu yn anffodus.” No, we were a few feet from it and missed it unfortunately.

“Mae’n ddrwg gen I roeddwn I’n meddwl mai Sais oeddet ti.” I’m sorry, I thought you were English.

“Mae e, Cymro ydw I. Diolch Merlin.” He is, I’m Welsh. Thank Merlin. With that, he handed the napkin back to her and smiled. “Thank you.”

She gave them each a bottle of fizzy drink on the house (apologies for calling Remus English) and, after thanking her again, they went outside to sit on a nearby bench. Aegis said it was fine for Remus to laugh at what happened (which he did) just to never mention it to anyone else (which he promised). Once the fizzy drinks were gone, they made plans for the following week and then went their separate ways.

Remus tried not to skip back to the shop, feeling as though he might burst with joy; being able to see Aegis on occasion was making his summer so much more tolerable!

*

Remus, 26/7/74

Your LOVELY friend, James ‘Soon To Be Dead’ Potter sent. A. HOWLER!

A HOWLER!

TO MY HOUSE!

It was horrible!! The owl flew in and dropped this smoking envelope on our table at breakfast and I wanted to die. Mum and Dad were all worried because it was smoking, and Petunia started shrieking and I had to open it and Potter’s voice comes BOOMING out insulting me from here to next week! I wanted to cry! I DID CRY! I started crying and Mum was all upset and Petunia started saying things, and it was horrible, Remus, it was HORRIBLE and I HATE him and I want to MURDER HIM!!!! Slowly. Painfully. Tortuously. At least he didn’t say anything too… rude, if you know what I mean. No mention of my tiny tits which he likes to laugh at. I would have DIED if that had been yelled at in front of my parents!

But now Petunia is really stressed out. She doesn’t understand how letters can yell like that, and has been more frazzled than usual, and is calling me a freak again. Admittedly we weren’t getting back to where we used to be but I was hoping our relationship was on the mend. Now… URGH!!!

Don’t tell Potter I intend to kill him. I want his death to be a surprise.

Love,

Lily

*

Dearest Remy 27/7/74

July is almost over, and then only a month until we are reunited. I am glad to have that day together, to get me through this summer. At least my parents are still considering letting me go to the World Cup. They dangle it in front of me like a treat for being good. Whenever I start to misbehave, they remind me about it, and I go as meek as a mouse, if you can believe it. I don’t want to risk not going. Even if just for a few days, getting out of this stifling house is the best feeling in the world!

Sometimes I wonder why we live in London, such a Muggle place. If we lived in the countryside somewhere at least I could go out for walks or something! But were are holed up in Grim place, and I looked out my window at the cars passing us by and not seeing us. I see the Muggles walking to and fro. Our neighbors, who had no idea we exist. We have the backyard… but it gets miserable after a while, sitting in that dreary ‘garden’. Plus Regulus likes to sit out there with Kreacher.

Reg and I have been spending some time together, at least. I’ve been showing him some of the Muggle card games we’ve learned… he finds it distasteful, but is willing to at least learn a bit. We play chess sometimes even though he always destroys me. If he ever deems it decent to be around us at school, you two should play against one another; I’d like to see that! Curious to know who would win. You’re both very good. But I’d be rooting you on, I think. Is that awful of me? It’s probably awful. But if I were in some sort of competition against one of Regulus’s friends, I know he’d be rooting his friend on and not me…

Back to the Muggle stuff. I saw one of those car-bikes Lewis told us about, I can’t remember the name of. Moterbike? It was parked at a neighbor’s house for a bit. It looks so cool. I kinda wanted to sneak out and get on it, but I didn’t. I saw the man driving it away today. He wore this shiny black jacket and black boots and had chains on him. He looked really neat. If he comes back and parks it there again I might sneak out to sit on it, just to see what it’s like.

Speaking of sneaking out, I might try to come see you sometime. Once during the summer simply isn’t enough for me. Any days in particular good for you?

Well, mother is shrieking for me I best go see what I did. Probably the itching powder I put in Kreacher’s bed.

Yours,

Sirius

*

On Monday morning, Remus found himself staring at his clothes and hating everything. He went through all his shirts and discarded every single one before sitting on the edge of his bed and rubbing his face, not even sure why he wanted to look nice for Aegis. Deciding it didn’t matter, he grabbed the first things his hands found and yanked them on. After staring at his reflection, he yanked them right back off and went back to despairing until his mother shouted he really needed to eat breakfast. Finally he pulled on a nice pair of jeans and one of his nicer button tops.

“Mum, can we go clothes shopping soon?” he asked as he threw himself into his seat and began eating.

“Stop inhaling your food,” Hope said sternly, and he tried to slow down. “You haven’t grown much this year…”

“I need new clothes.”

“Used clothes,” Lyall said from behind the paper.

Remus made a face. “New to me.” He stuffed half a piece of toast in his mouth, debating whether or not to ask if he looked okay. Except his mother would want to know why he wanted to know, and he couldn’t answer. Even if she knew about Aegis he didn’t think he could answer, because he didn’t know why, just that he did.

Not for the first time, Remus wished he wasn’t so small and scrawny and sickly looking. Ever since he started using shampoo that did help some things; his hair was no longer limp and on the thin side, it was very fluffy, full, and shiny. But the rest of him… ugh. He was pathetic-looking, especially compared to his friends.

“Dad,” he said as they left the house, “did you ever wish you looked different?”

“I suppose sometimes, yes. Why?” Remus shrugged. “Does this have anything to do with wanting new clothes?”

Another shrug and then, “No, no. I do need some new clothes for school. It isn’t that…” He flinched slightly as they Apparated to Caerphilly, having not quite mentally recovered from being slightly Splinched the week before. “How tall was my grandfather?”

Lyall stiffened slightly. “Why do you ask?”

“Erm. No reason.” He looked down, regretting bringing up Lyall’s family.

“Are you worried about your height?”

“No,” he lied.

Lyall gave him a look then shook his head. “The Lupin men have always been on the shorter side of average, if that’s what you’re concerned about. But it doesn’t really matter for you, does it?”

Remus hung back as Lyall unlocked the shop, knowing what his father was hinting at. “I guess not?”

Lyall swung the door open and glanced back at him. “Is this about a girl?”

“Wh-what? No!” he protested, feeling awkward.

“Because if you’re trying to impress some girl… you know it’s pointless.” Lyall handed him his lunch pail while flicking the lights on, and Remus trudged towards the back.

“I know.” He hung his head, the hairs on the back of his neck prickling a little at those words. He couldn’t ever have anyone, because of what he was. He put the lunch pails up and then rubbed where the hairs had been tickling at his skin, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling. “It isn’t fair,” he whispered.

“What isn’t?” Lyall asked, causing Remus to jump and spin around.

“I—I didn’t realize you were right there…”

Lyall folded his arms, leaning in the doorway. “Remus. Look. I… know how hard it is for you, especially being fourteen now. I’m sure the others in your year are starting to date and possibly kiss or become couples… but you simply can’t. Being acquaintances with that blonde fellow is one thing, but anything closer than that… whether as a friend, or a girl as a girlfriend… it isn’t possible.”

Remus knocked the toe of his trainer against the floor. “I know.”

Lyall gave him a rather pitying look then left, heading back into the main part of the shop. Remus hugged himself and shuffled out after him, feeling miserable, ugly, and hopeless. He began doing his morning tidying, struggling not to let his emotions get the better of him. The loneliness. The sudden, overwhelming desire for… companionship.

A boyfriend.

He blinked back a few tears and wiped his itchy nose off on his sleeve, shoving that thought far back into the recesses of his mind. It wasn’t possible, and he needed to accept it. But Merlin, he couldn’t stop thinking about Jean-Marie kissing him…! It was agony. Utter agony.

Stop it, he commanded, giving himself a little shake. You’re a werewolf, a monster, even if you were to ever find someone interested in your pathetic self, you could never actually be with them, not really, and it isn’t fair to drag anyone along and it isn’t fair to me, it isn’t fair, it ISN’T FAIR!

He nearly hit the window he was cleaning and managed to pull his hand before before it smacked the glass, then turned, covering his face. His father hated werewolves so now he was doomed to spend his life without love.

The wolf stirred a bit, anger rising inside of him.

No, not here.

He grit his teeth, trying to shove the wolf down, trying to shove the anger down, but was having difficulty. He couldn’t help but wonder how the wolf would feel, if he found someone. The wolf had, for some bizarre reason, accepted the Marauders as his pack. Would the wolf accept someone as his—well. Not ‘mate’ that word was… a bit… no, not that. Would the wolf accept someone as his partner?

“It doesn’t matter,” he told himself, turning around to go back to cleaning the window.

“What doesn’t matter?” Lyall asked from farther in the shop.

Remus snorted. “Nothing. Nothing matters.”

“Don’t give me attitude.”

He threw the cloth down. “I am not giving you attitude! I wasn’t even talking to you, I was talking to myself!”

Lyall appeared around some furniture, scowling. “You’re snapping at me. Pick that cloth up.”

Remus kicked the cloth instead, even though he knew he shouldn’t. “Can’t I complain to myself without it becoming some big deal? I’m just—upset today. All right?”

Lyall flicked his wand and the cleaning cloth flew back into Remus’s hands. “Stop with the attitude. What was that?” he demanded as Remus turned, muttering under his breath.

“Nothing.” Remus angrily began scrubbing at the glass again, trying not to look at his father’s reflection. “I’m sorry.”

Lyall stormed over and grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around. “If you’re going to be like this, then I won’t allow you to see your friend anymore. Got it?”

Remus ground his teeth, trying to keep the wolf from snarling out. “You do realize how little I have, don’t you?” he blurted out instead. Lyall blinked in surprise. “Dad, I have nothing! I’m going to have nothing, I’m—I’m doomed to spend my life working in this shop and hiding from everyone and it just gets so overwhelming and lonely sometimes and I just—I’m sick of it!” He jerked free, stumbling away. “I don’t mean to have an attitude, I’m just so sick and tired of—of—of being this. Can’t you understand that? I’m tired of having nothing and of… being a monster.”

He didn’t know what he was expecting. Maybe some sympathy. Gentleness. Love. It was stupid, in hindsight, to expect that, but his feelings were dashed to pieces as Lyall said, “You think I’m happy with my life? Your mother and I are happy with what our lives have become?” He grabbed Remus again, shaking him slightly. “We’ve lost everything too! Our families, my job, friends—we have nothing either! You and protecting you are all our lives have become! Yes, it is sickening, and tiring, but that’s life, Remus John. Shit happens. You try to make the most with what you have, but sometimes… it’s still shit.” He let go of Remus and took a few angry steps backwards. “At least be thankful I have a job, and you’ll have a job when you graduate, because otherwise you’d probably end up on a reservation. Or is that something you want?”

Remus shook his head, a tiny no.

“Then learn to deal with it.” Lyall went to turn the sign from Closed to Open. “You’re not the only one whose life has been fucked up by your curse.” With that, he stormed into his office and slammed the door shut.

Remus slid to the ground, fighting the itchy nose, fighting the tears, and being unable to stop them from pouring out into his hands.

Chapter Text

The rest of Monday hadn’t gone much better. Remus was miserable all day and tried to hide it when he and Aegis had lunch in the park, but Aegis picked up on it, asking what was wrong. Since the full moon would be that weekend and most likely he’d be gone on Friday and Monday, Remus said he wasn’t feeling very good. They tentatively made plans for the next time Aegis would be able to come in which was Friday (which Remus knew he’d be unable to go to), and cut their lunch time short.

When the Lupins went home after work, Remus ate his supper quickly before retreating into his room, ignoring his mother’s questions. He tossed and turned most of the night, having a few nightmares, and when Tuesday dawned he was tired and just as miserable as the day before. But at least he wouldn’t be spending it with his father.

Shower. Dressed (in grubby old clothes because he didn’t care). Breakfast. Lyall left and as soon as he did, Hope asked if something happened between them the day before. Remus only shrugged, insisting everything was fine. Hope then revealed Lyall had spoken to her the night before and informed her he thought there might be a girl that had caught Remus’s eye. Remus burned red at that, spluttering that there wasn’t.

“We had a bit of a tiff, that’s all. He assumed things.” Remus shoved his plate away, no longer hungry. “I’m going to go read.”

He scurried downstairs, muttering to himself about feeling trapped… but as soon as he reached for his bedroom doorknob, he froze. Something was off. His fingers hovered for a second and slowly grabbed the knob, turning it, blood racing as he listened. There was someone in his room. For a split second he was terrified the WCU had come for him but no, they’d have just bust down the front door. Whoever was in his room would have had to come through his win… dow…

Narrowing his eyes, Remus yanked the door open, wand out as he stepped in. Immediately his gaze cut to the now-open window, and he could smell him. Swearing quietly, he shut the door behind him. “Come on out. I know you’re there.”

He was under Remus’s bed and wriggled into view, grinning from ear to ear. “Heya Remus,” Sirius said cheerfully, getting to his feet. “I figured it was you coming down the stairs, but I wasn’t sure so I—whoa, hey!” Remus had marched over and was inspecting Sirius carefully, including pushing up the sleeves of his t-shirt. Sirius went a little pink. “That excited to see my body, eh?” Remus simply gave him a sniff before stepping back, looking him up and down. “Oh. I’m not injured, if that’s what you’re looking for.”

“It is,” Remus replied, staring up into his face. He was even paler than he was the Saturday they spent together, and the dark circles under his eyes looked like they were trying to rival Remus’s. There was a faint bruise on one cheek, but other than that he seemed fine. “What are you doing here, then?”

Sirius put his hands on his hips. “Is that all you think I want to visit for?”

Remus bit his lip, feeling bad. The previous summer Sirius had snuck over in the middle of the night, injured pretty badly from ‘a scrape with his cousin’ which Remus now knew was a blatant lie. “Sorry. I guess I got a little too suspicious. But what are you doing here?”

Sirius spread his arms out in a flourish. “I missed you!”

“Shhh!” Remus flapped his hand, looking back nervously at the door.

Sirius dropped his voice. “I thought I’d visit. You said you wanted me to visit.”

“I never said that, you’re the one who said that,” Remus whispered, pulling Sirius far from the door.

“Yes, but you agreed,” Sirius said, sticking his tongue out. “So I snuck away.”

“How?”

Sirius went over to Remus’s bed, bending over to pull a broom out. “Floo network, then flying over. I Flooed into the pub in Dragon’s Field then I flew-ed here.” He laughed—quietly, at least—at his own joke, then plopped down on Remus’s bed as if he were right at home. “You look exhausted. The moon isn’t for a few more nights.”

Remus eyed the door again and then went over, locking it. “I’ve been doing a lot this summer. My father’s been having me work in the shop.”

Sirius’s eyes bugged a bit. “You’re working? Blimey.”

“You can’t stay, Sirius, my mother—“

“Oh, no, I know,” he said brightly, jumping to his feet. “I was thinking we could go off into the woods. You go out there and read a lot, don’t you? You’ve said before you do.”

Remus began chewing at his thumbnail. “I do.” The thought of spending the day with Sirius was wonderful. Beyond wonderful. Though it also dug a hollow sort of pit out in his stomach, imagining it just being the two of them running around in the woods. “What are you wearing?”

Sirius looked down at his outfit which consisted of the tight jeans he had worn before, and now a black shirt with bold white lettering across the front spelling out Beatles. “Clothes. Why? Should I take them off?”

Remus snorted, rolling his eyes, trying not to go red, feeling even more tired from Sirius’s shenanigans. Why did he have to be so… so… him? “I meant… I’ve never seen that shirt before, it just surprised me a bit.”

“Oh!” he laughed. “Yeah, it’s James’s. I stole it.”

All right, then. “I—I guess we could go into the woods. I just need to try to… er… I need to talk to Mum. I don’t know if she’ll let me.” Remus now bit his upper lip, trying to think. “Go and wait in the forest. If I’m not there in half an hour, I can’t get away.”

Sirius picked his broom up again. “You forgot something.”

“What?”

He opened his arms and Remus smiled, stepping over to hug him tightly, breathing in his scent as Sirius’s arms engulfed his body. “In case you can’t get away, we need at least one hug,” Sirius said into his hair. Yes, please. “Where should I wait?”

They pulled apart. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll find you.”

Sirius tweaked his nose. “Gotcha. All right, see you soon.” He went over to scramble out the window, legs flailing a bit as he did. He bent down to give Remus a wink before hurrying off, hopefully without Hope seeing him.

Remus turned around and sat down on the edge of his bed rather hard, clutching his stomach. Ohhhhh, he did not need this today, he did NOT need this. Just Sirius? Just Sirius? Sirius was—was so—and—ARGH why couldn’t he stop thinking about that clothes-off line?!

“Okay, calm down, remain calm, it’s fine, it doesn’t matter how good he looks, he hates boys like you,” Remus told himself, taking in a few deep breaths, reminding himself of the comment Sirius had made a few weeks before. About how boys touching boys was creepy and disgusting, Which was the way almost everyone in the wizarding world viewed it, so Remus didn’t really blame him. It just… made things… a little more twisted inside of him.

After a few more breaths, Remus threw some books in his satchel and went upstairs to pack some food too. He informed his mother (instead of asking her) that he was going to go out into the woods to read, and he wasn’t sure when he’d be back. Hope was upset, frowning, and asking him to please come back for lunch.

“I just want some time to myself,” he lied, backing up towards the door. “I’ll see you later, Mum. Love you!” He opened the door and ran off towards the woods.

Sirius wasn’t very far past the initial line of trees, and Remus easily tracked him down. He beamed when he saw Remus and went over to run a hand over his head, messing his hair up. Remus grinned back.

“So. What do you want to do?”

Sirius cocked his head to one side, smirking. “What do you want to do?”

“Errr. Well.” Remus shouldered his satchel. “You’re the one who came here. There isn’t much to do around here. Nothing at Dragon’s Field, unless we go to the pub which—which I really shouldn’t.” He shifted his weight, feeling slightly awkward now. Sensing there was something going on with Sirius he wasn’t saying. “How did you even get away, by the way? Won’t you get in trouble?”

“Oh, no my family’s visiting other family.” Sirius leaned back against a tree. “I, er, offered to stay home while they went. They won’t be home until tomorrow anyway. They won’t know.”

Remus leaned against another tree, trying—and failing—to look as cool as Sirius. “What if they come home today?”

“Then… I’ll be in trouble,” Sirius replied with a nonchalant shrug. “If they even notice I’m gone.” He ran his fingers through his long, beautiful hair, and Remus had to look away. “So I’m gonna ask again, what shall we do?”

“You don’t have a plan?” Remus teased, not wanting to be put on the spot to come up with an idea. There really wasn’t much to do around his house. Especially since they couldn’t go anywhere near his house.

Sirius rolled his eyes and then winked. “Please, I only have plans when it comes to causing trouble.” He reached out and tugged at the collar of Remus’s shirt. “Isn’t that James’s shirt, too?”

“It isn’t paisley enough to be his shirt,” Remus said, swallowing a bit as Sirius towered above him, still holding the collar. It was making him uncomfortable, and proving his fears about it being difficult spending time with just Sirius. At school it wasn’t so bad but here in the summer, in these woods… something felt different. Or maybe because of everything he had realized about himself recently. Being… like that… and now being around his best-looking friend who… no, he didn’t fancy Sirius, although he probably could if he let himself.

Which he wasn’t going to do.

“Let’s go to the stream,” Sirius suggested, finally releasing Remus’s collar. “You can tell me about work.”

They went deeper into the woods while Remus briefly discussed working in the shop. He avoided mentioning the fact Aegis visited, because he was worried Sirius might try to visit too… and he was worried Lyall might figure out they were really good friends. It almost felt like a betrayal, keeping it to himself; but he also didn’t like the idea of Sirius sneaking out to come visit him anyway. He didn’t want Sirius to get into any kind of trouble.

The woods weren’t too thick and sunlight filtered through the leaves. It was cool and peaceful, especially by the stream. They plopped down on a rock and removed their socks and shoes, sticking their feet in the water.

“It’s going to be a nightmare trying to keep my tongue on Friday,” Sirius sighed. “Another big family dinner, but this one has more emphasis on family than the one I mentioned before.” He pulled a face. “Bellatrix is going to be there with her husband. Who is just as crazy as she is, by the way.” He leaned back on his elbows and sighed. “I wish Andy was still allowed to visit.”

“How’s she doing?” Remus asked. Andromeda Tonks was Sirius’s cousin who had disgraced the Black family by marrying a Muggleborn. They had a kid who was… “Their kid would be a year old now, right?”

“Nymphadora, yeah.” Sirius looked much happier now. “Andy’s sent me pictures. She’s starting to walk now. Also knows the word ‘no’ which apparently she says every other day.” Sirius lay on his back, putting his hands behind his head. “Andy’s thinking about trying to arrange it so I can meet her sometime when we go into Hogsmeade, we just need to be careful that nobody sees us. You should come too.”

Remus pressed his lips thin, tossing a pebble into the water. “I don’t think I’d be very good around a baby.”

Sirius laughed again. “You could tell her about the exams.” Remus smacked him, but smiled. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Sirius propped himself back up. “Sorry for showing up out of the blue. It was just a spur of the moment impulse.”

“No, it’s fine, I’m glad you came,” Remus said, suddenly anxious; was he not being talkative enough? Did Sirius think Remus didn’t want him around? “I didn’t think I’d get to see any of you this summer, so seeing you twice now is—no, I’m very happy.” He looked down, fretting. He wasn’t a good enough host, or doing good enough at entertaining. “We could play tag.”

Sirius scooted closer to him. “Maybe later. I’d rather just sit here for now.” He scooped up some rocks and skid one across the stream’s surface. Remus tried to do the same but he wasn’t too good at skipping stones, and being as nervous as he was now made it harder. “You need to really crook your finger… no, like this. Here.” Sirius took his hand and gently formed it around the rock, his own hand melding around Remus’s hand to give it the right shape. Sirius’s hands were large and easily covered Remus’s small hand, and the contact—the warmth, the touch—made Remus feel buzzy. As Sirius’s hand tightened, Remus gave a sharp intake of breath.

“Are you all right?”

“Y-yes. Just a chill down my spine. Cool breeze.”

Sirius scooted even closer and put an arm around his shoulders. “Does that help?”

Oh, Merlin. “Er. Yeah, I—I’m not cold, really.” Actually he was getting very, very, very warm, and wondered if he was going to catch fire. “Just one of those things.”

With Sirius’s arm around his shoulders still, Remus began to grow guilty. Guilty over the fact he was like that and his friends didn’t know and if Sirius knew he wouldn’t be doing anything like this, and would probably shove him into the stream and call him disgusting. Yet Remus remained where he was, allowing Sirius to touch him—selfishly allowing when he knew perfectly well how wrong it was.

Plus all the bundles of strange feelings made him guilty in another way: the fact he was worrying over all this instead of simply enjoying the day with his friend. Was this how his life was going to be now? Was every interaction with one of his boy friends going to cause stress and confusion? Except… he had a sinking feeling if it were James or Peter… it wouldn’t bother him so much. It was just… Sirius. And Remus didn’t know how to deal with this. He had had lighter versions of these feelings before, but this was so much stronger. So much worse.

Oh God, he couldn’t actually fancy his best friend!

He admitted (begrudgingly) he had sorta liked him before and thought he was very good-looking, and yes, had enough feelings to warrant being afraid he was sick and asking Lily about it triggering the whole snowball down a hill into discovering he was gay… but this really felt like something else. The butterflies were stronger, his heart pounded faster, the warmth in his belly felt like liquid fire… it made him feel confused, scared, and upset.

Sirius pulled away, to Remus’s relief. “Can I ask you something?”

Remus kept his face as emotionless as he could, while a storm seethed underneath. “Er, yes, of course.”

Sirius pulled his feet out of the stream and crossed his legs, picking at his jeans. “Are you sure you’re okay? Earlier you kept saying that you don’t really enjoy working in the shop. Do… do you have to? You look so tired.” Suddenly his hand was on Remus’s cheek, his thumb right under one of his dark circles, sending shock-waves through his body. “How bad are your nightmares?”

“Fine.” Remus wanted to pull away, to shove Sirius away to run, to run far, to run fast, to hide and bury himself and die. The Saturday with the other Marauders had been fine but now everything was going wrong inside of him. Old thoughts and feelings were coming back with a vengeance and an army. “I mean, bearable. I am tired and—and the shop does suck plimpy eggs but I’m fine, really, it’s only three days a week.” He pulled back slightly, so Sirius’s hand wasn’t on his face anymore. “Plus the moon is coming up, so I look more tired because of that.”

“You’ve got the moon this weekend, yeah,” Sirius said distantly. “Then the one at the end of August.”

“Stop giving me that look.” Remus took his own feet out of the stream and began rubbing them, trying to dry them off. “Why are you suddenly worried?”

“I’m not suddenly worried,” Sirius retorted. “I’ve been worried since I saw you but I know you hate admitting when you’re doing too much.”

Remus pulled his socks and shoes on. “It’s only a little over a month. I’m fine. I promise. If anyone should be worried about anyone else, it’s me who should worry about you.”

Sirius began putting his socks and shoes on, too. “You don’t need to worry about me at all,” he said crossly as he yanked his socks on. “I’d prefer it if you didn’t, we’ve been over this.”

“I can’t not worry about you.”

“You could try.”

Remus stared at him as he laced his boots up, head pulsing a little with annoyance. “I know you don’t want to acknowledge all the shit that happens to you, and that’s fine,” he said slowly, ignoring Sirius’s wince, “but it isn’t something I can stop. You’re my friend. I care about you. I’m going to worry about you. If I’m not allowed to worry about you, then you’re not allowed to worry about me.”

Sirius stood up, brushing the leaves and dirt off his jeans, remaining silent. Remus got up as well, arms folded, part of him hoping he didn’t go too far, part of him not regretting saying it. After a few seconds, Sirius glanced up at him…

Then gave him a gentle shove.

“You’re it.”

Sirius took off running and, after a dazed second or two, Remus took off after him, both of them laughing. They crashed through the underbrush while Sirius nimbly danced around trees and Remus ran into every other branch. Finally he managed to snag his arm, announcing he was it, and then run the opposite direction. Sirius gave chase, the two weaving in and out of the trees, Remus doing his best not to fall over. He ducked under a branch, jumped over a log, and then backtracked towards the stream.

Suddenly Sirius popped out from behind a tree, grabbing Remus around the waist and lifting him easily up off the ground. “Gotcha!” he laughed, spinning Remus in a circle before depositing him back on the ground.

Remus chased him once more, knowing perfectly well all this had been to avoid a serious conversation. Which was probably for the best. He didn’t want to argue either, didn’t want to deal with some of the darker things going on underneath the exterior. They were fourteen, and, despite what Remus was, they deserved not to be chained up to anguish.

They chased one another for awhile until finally collapsing down in a small clearing, both of them panting heavily and soaked in sweat. Remus shoved his damp fringe back, stretching his body out as some sun filtered through the leaves onto them. They lay like that for quite some time, neither speaking, just getting their breathing under control. Finally Sirius rolled onto his stomach and began tossing bits of grass on Remus’s face as they talked about other things. Happier things. Remus flicked bits of grass right back at him, both of them giggling.

Finally Sirius got up, announcing he was hungry, and were they lost? He helped Remus up who shook all the bits of grass off before easily leading him back to the stream where their bags were. They sat down on an old, gnarled root and ate the food they had both brought, splitting it between them and sharing back and forth, their legs dangling below. Remus had forgotten something to drink so Sirius shared his flask of water; he tried not to get flustered over the fact his lips were touching where Sirius’s lips had touched.

“Hey, look what I got.” Sirius slithered off the root and rummaged in his bag until he pulled out a small box, one about the size of a matchbox. He pressed a button on the side and the box grew and grew, becoming quite large. Remus hopped down, wondering what it was until Sirius popped the lid open to reveal a record player. “Portable player. Isn’t it neat? Got it in Diagon Alley last week. James is gonna go nuts.”

“That is very cool,” Remus agreed, curious about the spells used. They had something similar in the shop, but it folded in half instead of shrinking, and looked a bit like a briefcase; not quite as portable.

Sirius set the player down then yanked out a box, sitting down on the ground as he opened it. “I’ve got some records, too. James gave me the sleeves of some of his magical records so I could hide my Muggle albums. Brilliant, eh?”

Remus sat down next to him. “Very.”

“I just got this one. When I was with Uncle Alphard.” Sirius opened one of the sleeves and peered in before nodding. “There’s this song I wanted you to hear. It’s really good. Absolute banger. Whole reason I brought all this with me, to play this song for you…” He sounded slightly nervous as he spoke, his words getting faster.

Remus watched him carefully put the album on the player and then fussed with the needle, getting it to where he wanted it to be. There was some static and then a song he had never heard before began drifting out of the little speaker. He had expected a newer rock song, but it sounded like it was from the sixties.

Children behave… that’s what they say when we’re together. And watch how you play… they don’t understand and so we’re running just as fast as we can! Holding on to one another’s hand! Trying to get away into the night, and then you put your arms around me as we tumble to the ground and then you say… I think we’re alone now… there doesn’t seem to be anyone arou-ound… I think we’re alone now… the beating of our hearts is the only sou-ound

Remus thought the singer sounded familiar, but he’d have to wait to check the album since it was in a Hufflepuffskein sleeve. Sirius was sitting cross-legged by him, toes wriggling to the beat, swaying back and forth. When the singer started again, Sirius was mouthing the words.

Look at the way we gotta hide what we’re doing… cause what would they say if they ever knew? And so we’re running just as fast as we can—

Sirius moved his arms as if he were running fast, and Remus laughed.

—holding onto one another’s hand. Trying to get away into the night, and then you put your arms around me as we tumble to the ground—

Sirius flopped onto his back at that, and Remus lay down as well, the music surrounding them. Sirius’s arms were splayed out, and his fingers were just barely brushing against Remus’s, making his heart beat fast.

And then you say… I think we’re alone now… there doesn’t seem to be anyone arou-ound… I think we’re alone now… the beating of our hearts is the only sou-ound. I think we’re alone now, there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. I think we’re alone now, the beating of our hearts is the only sound…

The words repeated themselves, fading until the song ended. Sirius sat upright and flicked the needle away so the next song wouldn’t play.

“Did you like it?”

Remus sat up, hugging his knees to his chest. “I did, that’s a good song.”

He bit down on his bottom lip, not daring to voice exactly what he thought of the song, and how it made him feel. The whole day was going up and down, tossing Remus around like a dragon’s toy. He prayed it was only the summer warmth and loveliness of the woods that was making his like that feelings throb in his chest, and that he’d be able to seem semi-normal once school started. Sirius wasn’t… like that, and in fact hated that sort of thing, and Remus needed to do his best to squash those feelings. He couldn’t risk ruining his friendship. He couldn’t risk breaking up the Marauders.

He couldn’t risk losing Sirius.

“It reminds me of the Marauders. Hiding what we’re doing, and all. Sneaking around.”

Sirius snorted. “I guess it does, yeah.”

He took the record off and Remus held his hand out, asking to see it. Sirius handed it over and he saw it was Tommy James and the Shondells. He squinted on the small writing and saw the song title Mony Mony, which was one he knew. He thought the singer sounded familiar.

Sirius showed off his other Muggle albums, which weren’t many. There was a Slade one James had gotten him, and the Rolling Stones which Professor Lewis had given him at the end of the school year; their Muggle Studies professor had given everyone an album. Remus had been given Elton John. He only owned three albums that were all his, and all three were Elton John. Which was his favorite singer ever.

Sirius and Remus then talked about other things besides music. Marauder things, school things, Hogsmeade visits, and then Sirius slowly brought up the animagus thing which Remus shut down immediately. After that they went back to discussing Marauder stuff, and they wound up sitting back-to-back as Remus carefully wrote out a list of their prank ideas they came up with. They shared the rest of Sirius’s water, the flash being passed back and forth.

At one point Remus fell asleep. It was a bit later, during the late afternoon. They had splashed around in the stream for a while, not intending to get fully wet but of course they ended up completely in the stream. Sirius grabbed Remus and shoved him down, both of them tumbling into the water, Sirius falling on top of him in a way that made Remus glad the stream water was icy cold around them. He shoved Sirius off and sent a wave of water at his face, the two splashing back and forth before climbing out to dry off; Sirius had wanted to use spells to dry off which Remus convinced him not to, as he didn’t want to risk it triggering a response from the Ministry, being so far from Dragon’s Field. So they stretched out to dry off and in the warmth, Remus ended up drifting off to sleep. When he woke up, Sirius was sitting closer to the stream, knees folded up against his chest, one arm across his knees with his chin on his arm, and his other hand poking a stick into some mud. He had his record player out again, the same song playing.

I think we’re alone now… there doesn’t seem to be anyone around… I think we’re alone now… the beating of our hearts is the only sound…

He turned it off when he saw Remus sitting up. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“S’okay,” Remus yawned, rubbing his eyes. “Didn’t get too dry, did we?”

“Not really.” He laughed, running his fingers through his still-damp hair.

Remus went over to sit next to him. “Sorry for falling asleep.”

Sirius gave him a strange look. “It’s fine. You need as much sleep as you can get.”

“Not when you’re visiting, though,” Remus argued. “We won’t see each other until September, and I go and fall asleep.”

Sirius tousled Remus’s hair. “It’s fine. The moon’s coming up. You look exhausted. Do you need to go home to lay down?”

“I can sleep tonight,” Remus pointed out, rubbing his eyes again. “I’d rather visit with you, dummy.”

They played card games for a while. More jokes, more laughter, more teasing. Despite Sirius winning more than Remus did, he accused Remus of cheating until Remus threatened to throw him back in the water. Sirius told him he’d like to see him try, and Remus got up, picking Sirius up. Sirius was taller and much heavier, but Remus didn’t have any difficulty whatsoever due to his unnatural wolf strength.

“I wish we could get a picture of this,” Sirius teased. “Me in your arms, it probably looks funny. All right, put me down, you win.”

Remus set him down, deciding not to try to toss him him the water since even with his strength he doubted he could get Sirius flung that far. But then Sirius picked him up again, spinning him, the two laughing until Remus demanded to be put down; he couldn’t stand being in Sirius’s arms too long.

Finally, though, they needed to part ways. Lyall would be home soon and Remus knew he couldn’t push being gone for much longer, and despite what Sirius said about his parents not coming home, Remus was anxious for Sirius to also get home. After packing everything up, the two strolled back towards Remus’s house, stopping just out of view.

“Please be safe,” Remus said, looking up into Sirius’s face. “Please.”

“I’ll do my best,” he chuckled, not sounding at all convincing. “I hope you had fun today.”

“I did,” he promised. More than you could ever imagine. It had been such a perfect, beautiful day—agonizing, too, yes—and he didn’t want it to end. But it had to. “You?”

“So much.” Sirius tousled his hair once more. “See you in September, Remy.”

“Bye, Sirius.”

They hugged each other tightly and then Remus walked back to his house, aware of Sirius’s eyes on him as he went. Since he passed the tree line, he couldn’t look back in case his mother was watching. Part of him wanted to turn around and run back to hug him one more time, however he resisted that urge.

After a long supper, and a long evening with his parents, Remus climbed into bed, thinking about each minute of his time with Sirius that day. He rolled onto his side, hugging his pillow tightly, wishing, wishing, and wishing more for something that wouldn’t and couldn’t ever happen.

Chapter Text

Lily

Yesterday Sirius came over he snuck away and we spent the day together. I am very confused right now. It was great I mean it was really great it was wonderful he kept picking me up and it felt good being in his arms and I didn’t want him to put me down and

Remus stared at the letter and tore it to shreds, tossing them into his rubbish bin.

Lily,

Sirius visited me yesterday and we fell in the stream and he was on me and

Nope. Torn to pieces, thrown out.

Lily,

Why are feelings so confusing and conflicting and weird and tiring? I can’t risk it, I can’t, everything is so wrong. He hates people like us he made that clear, he said boys like me were creepy and disgusting and I know he doesn’t know im like that and its fine because I still care about them I know if he feels that way I shouldn’t but most people feel that way and I don’t care because I love my friends and it doesn’t matter because they’ll never know they can’t ever know I just need to make sure I stay hidden I keep myself hidden from them its fine its fine Lily its confusing and I’m in pain from this want that will never be fulfilled but im fine I don’t understand

Remus shook his head, tearing it up and tossing it aside. He paused, quill over the parchment as he tried to put into words what the hell was going on in his head.

Dear Lily

I think I like Sirius

That piece of parchment was set on fire before the ashes went into the bin.

Remus groaned and put his face in his hands. He had gotten very little sleep the night before, having tossed and turned from heart-aching dreams. Whenever he woke up, soaked in sweat yet shivering, he was worried they had been naughty dreams but they never were. He always woke up feeling hollow and empty, on the verge of tears. In the shop, he had barely managed to stay awake. What was worse was the fact Aegis showed up even though they didn’t have plans till Friday; he said the Silverlockes’ plans had fallen through and he hoped it was okay to visit. They went to the park to eat, though Aegis was clearly anxious about Remus looking as pale and sickly as he did.

Now Remus sat at his desk trying to figure things out and being unable to. There was a knot inside of him, tangled threads that led no where despite how desperately he tried to follow them. It made him wonder if every boy felt this way, or if this was something only boys like him dealt with. Of course, normal boys probably didn’t have the weight of guilt pressing down on them for being like that and having boy best friends and terrified they’d find out… or having inconsistent, strange feelings about their boy best friend…

Remus finally shoved the parchment away and put the stopper in the ink bottle, too miserable to try to pen a letter. Besides, he suspected that no matter what he wrote would sound completely nonsensical and make about as much sense to her as if he wrote in Welsh.

He flung himself into bed and stared at the ceiling, trying and failing to untangle that knot.

*

The list of school things for Remus’s fourth year wasn’t as bad as he was expecting, or at least not as bad as it had been for his third year. He had most of the things needed. The biggest things were some new books and refills for his potions kit. Under the books listed were four… four for Defense Against the Dark Arts. Remus stared at the titles, realizing this meant there was a new Defense teacher already and wondered who it was.

Confronting The Unknown: Spells, Tips, and Guidance, Menagerie of Menace, Vicious Verses, and Hexes of War.

He showed the letter to his father Thursday evening, and Lyall sighed, saying they might be able to find some of the things in Caerphilly. Remus quietly reminded him he also needed to go clothes shopping, to which Lyall didn’t say anything. He was too busy rereading the letter, and complaining about how teachers never took into consideration that some families didn’t have money.

“Four books,” he spat out, throwing the letter down. “Hopefully we can find them all used.”

The next morning, Remus slept in until well after Lyall left for work. Hope finally shook him gently awake halfway through the morning so he could get some food in him. As he ate, he reread the paper Lyall had left behind, checking on the weather. It was supposed to be cloudy all day and all night (the paper making it a note to remind people that the full moon wouldn’t be seen on its first night). He dropped the paper, finished eating, and then fell asleep on the couch with his head in Hope’s lap.

On and off all day, the exhaustion pouring from his bones. At one point Hope remarked that she didn’t like the fact Remus was like this at Hogwarts, having to attend classes while this tired. He merely shrugged, insisting it was fine. It was easier to muster energy when he had something like lessons to go to. Being at home with nothing else… it made him more tired.

After supper, Remus went into his little room where he transformed. It was so small and completely bare. As he stripped down, he wished he could bring the blanket Pete had given him in their second year; it was enchanted to hold up to a lot of wear and tear. At least then he’d have something to wrap around him. He pushed his clothes through the crack in the door to his mother, accepted her kiss on his forehead, and then backed up, eyes dulling as the door closed and plunged him into pitch blackness.

*

August’s first full moon went by slow and agonizing, as most of the nights were too cloudy for him to transform so he spent his time curled up on the stone floor in the dark, naked, cold, and shivering. During Friday, Aegis left a message with Lyall that he hoped Remus would feel better soon, and on Saturday Lyall expressed concern about it, saying that ‘the blonde boy’ seemed ‘clever’ and was worried he might figure something out. He then told Remus the best thing to do was to pretend to be sick longer, and not go back to the shop the following week.

Remus tried not to look disappointed when his father said this. He wouldn’t mind not working in the shop, but not seeing Aegis for another nine days at the least sounded awful. “That might be a good idea,” he reluctantly said, hoping he could figure out a way to go back to the shop on Wednesday.

By the time Monday rolled around, Remus had transformed only once, during Sunday night for a few hours. Long enough to rip into his body and send blood splattering all over the walls. He woke up crying in pain, and not complaining at all when Hope babied him. He was too tired to care.

He slept for most of the day except for a period when he lay in bed staring out the window, wondering if Sirius was okay. He hadn’t heard from him since he snuck over, and was anxious that he had been found out and got in trouble. The World Cup was almost upon them, so he figured he’d at least hear from James about whether or not Sirius would be going.

That evening Lyall had another message from Aegis along with a get well card, which he flung into Remus’s hands after supper when they were alone. He made it clear he didn’t like it, and thought they were too close. Remus tried explaining that a get well card didn’t mean much of anything, and people sent them even if they barely knew a person. Lyall seemed to accept that, thankfully, but brought up that he still felt Remus should stay home for another week. He told him Hope agreed, which was no surprise to Remus; of course Hope agreed, she’d agree to anything to keep Remus at home with her. Then he suggested that perhaps Hope and Remus could do some of the shopping one day.

“If I’m supposed to be sick, I shouldn’t be out and about in case he sees me,” Remus replied bitterly.

“Er, right. Well.”

Remus looked down at the card, turning it over in his hands. “What if I am sick Wednesday, and return on Friday? That seems to be a good amount of time… doesn’t it?” Of course, there was every chance Aegis didn’t show up on Friday, which in that case the next time he saw him he could pretend he was sick for even longer.

Lyall remained silent for a few seconds, thinking this over. “All right,” he agreed, leaving without another word.

*

Remus, 5/8/74

Have you heard from Sirius lately? It’s been over a week since his last letter. He said he had something fun planned for the end of July, and I’m a bit worried. Maybe too worried? There could be loads of reasons Sirius hasn’t written, and most of them perfectly fine… right?

Anyway… just let me know, okay?

James

PS I think we have an extra copy of standard book of spells grade 4 so if you want it you are welcome to have it, not charity so stop frowning idiot.

*

Dear Remus, 7/8/74

I just got a letter from james saying he hasnt heard from sirius and is woried. I havent heard from him ether. I figure james wrote to you too but thought id check with you too anyway in case he didn’t cause I know the moon hapened so not sure if he sent anything.

Peter

PS: I still havent been alowed to drive since our day together…

*

Dear Sirius, 8/8/74

Are you all right? You haven’t written in a while and you usually message me a couple of times a week. James and Peter have not heard from you either, so I am starting to get really concerned. Were you caught out of the house? Please reply back as soon as possible. I’m very, very, very worried.

Remus

*

Remus woke up on Friday morning almost as exhausted as he had been the Friday before, this time from lack of sleep rather than the full moon. He had had terrible nightmares all night long, of bad things happening to Sirius. At least if Aegis does show up, Remus thought as he peered at his miserable appearance in the mirror, I look half-dead. He splashed some water on his face and ran a brush through his hair before getting dressed and trudging upstairs.

“You don’t look well,” Hope said, putting her hand against his forehead. “Perhaps you should stay home today.”

“No, I want to go work,” he lied, plopping into the chair and staring at the food his mother put before him. He felt too ill to eat, too sick with worry. He pushed the eggs around, forcing a few bites down to satisfy his mother.

Surprisingly, his mother decided not to go into the shop. She said it was too hot for her, and indeed it was very warm; Remus was in shorts once more. Remus gave her a hug and a kiss, trying not to show he was pleased she wasn’t going in. This was going to make meeting up with Aegis (if Aegis showed up) a lot easier.

Despite the heat, the morning was fairly busy in the shop. Lyall stayed at the counter for the entire morning while Remus ran around, fetching anything his father asked for or showing customers to items they requested. He grew damp with sweat from rushing around so much, as as one pm grew closer he was unsure if he’d even be able to leave. But as soon as the clock struck one, Lyall told Remus to take his break. He gladly grabbed his lunch pail and went outside, heading straight for the park where they met on nice days.

Aegis was there already, under the Blue Haven tree, arms folded as he leaned against the trunk. His eyes widened when Remus stepped through the branches, and a smile spread across his face.

“Remus!” He took a few quick steps towards him, halting inches away. “I have been worried about you. Are you doing all right? You look… awful. No offense…”

“None taken,” Remus said, smiling as well. “I’m doing a lot better today. Sorry I was gone for so long…”

“No, no, it is fine,” Aegis said as they sank down onto the cool grass. “I am glad that you are on the mend. I brought this for your father to give to you, if I did not see you.” He handed Remus a package of gummy cauldrons. “I believe you like those.”

“I do. We can split them.” Remus ripped the bag open and dumped the cauldrons onto a napkin between them. “What do you think of our book list for Defense this year?”

Aegis shook his head, nibbling delicately at a cauldron so the juice didn’t burst everywhere. “Four books is a lot. I do hope the teacher is, at least, nice. We have had luck three years in a row.”

Remus swallowed hard, not wanting to say he had only had luck two years in a row. Their first year teacher had hated him, and wound up fired because of the things she said to him at the end of their year. “I’m going to miss Professor Charlemagne,” he settled on saying. He wondered if the new teacher would allow him to be their aide, like Charlemagne was going to.

“I did ask Abraxus if he knew who the new teacher was,” Aegis said, tossing his ponytail back, “but he said he did not know, and complained quite a bit about Professor Dumbledore.”

“I’ll ask James, next time I write to him,” Remus said. Though if Abraxus Malfoy, one of the school governors, didn’t know, he didn’t think Fleamont Potter would know either. “In any case… only twenty-three days left until we’re on the train headed back to school!”

Aegis smiled, his eyes crinkling up. “You seem very excited for that.”

“I love school,” Remus pointed out. “Summer is too long, in my opinion.”

“Summer’s lease hath all too short a date. Not short enough, though,” Aegis laughed.

“Definitely not short enough for me,” Remus agreed, biting into his last gummy cauldron. As the juice filled his mouth, Aegis’s words reached his brain properly and he nearly began choking.

Aegis set his cauldron down and nervously reached out, hand hovering an inch away from Remus’s back. “Are you all right? Do you need water?” He opened Remus’s lunch pail after he nodded, and pulled out the thermos of water, watching with concern as Remus swigged the water down. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Remus coughed, wiping his mouth off on his arm. “Sorry. I just—what did you say?”

“I asked if you were okay…”

“No, before that. The—the summer thing.”

Aegis stared at him for a few long seconds, unblinking. Then he pulled away from him slowly, hand raising to his mouth in a casual manner, but it was to hide a very, very, very soft ‘shit’ that Remus almost didn’t hear, and wouldn’t have heard if he didn’t have sensitive hearing. “Oh. I don’t know,” he said, laughing in a slightly nervous manner. “Summer’s not short enough for you, I believe I said. Now that we’ve had sweets, shall we have our, er, lunch?” He sank back against his heels, opening the bag he brought so he could pull his food out, avoiding Remus’s gaze.

“Yes,” Remus said slowly, shifting his position so he was sitting cross-legged now. “I’m hungry.”

What?

No.

No!

That was silly, that was very silly, and ridiculous. It was just a coincidence, really. After all, Aegis liked Shakespeare. It was a well-known quote about summer. It wasn’t anything suspicious. Except then why did he say ‘shit’? Aegis never swore, as far as Remus knew. And that nervous laugh. And the avoiding his eyes now.

Remus took his sandwich out of his lunch pail, bringing it to his lips but not eating it. During his third year at school, he had started getting anonymous letters from an admirer. They used Shakespeare quotes in them, professing their feelings for Remus. He had… assumed… they were from a girl.

Until now.

Because the last letter he got had exactly what Aegis just said. Summer’s lease hath all too short a date. Not short enough though. But—but it was a coincidence, it had to be a coincidence because—because—

No, it made no sense. None at all.

Remus glanced over. Aegis was eating his sandwich, eyes locked on the Blue Haven tree above them, face a little rigid, body stiff. Heart pounding. No. It couldn’t be. Of—okay, so Remus knew, deep down, there were more students in Hogwarts like that, other than him and Lily (and Jean-Marie, who was gone now), but it was also something he couldn’t quite grasp, and—and it seemed very unrealistic that one of the students like that was sitting right next to him and one of his friends and had—had been—sending—liked—

Liked him?

Remus swallowed the tiny bite, setting the sandwich down, head reeling. No! No. It was impossible. Laughable! Aegis wasn’t… like that… he was—there was—and—

His heart racing whenever we accidentally touched, Remus’s brain whispered, pieces of a puzzle clicking together. His Shakespeare admirer occasionally threw in their own words and when they did it seemed old-fashioned. Like the way Aegis talked.

NO!

No. Remus was just trying to force the puzzle together when the pieces didn’t fit. The likelihood of his admirer being a boy was astronomical! Impossible! … Unlikely. Probably.

Right?

His stomach churned, and it felt like he might throw up. The world was tilting around him as the dizziness grew, and he blindly reached for his thermos of water, hardly able to see anything, or feel anything other than the tightening feeling inside of him. He was imagining things, he had to be imagining things!

But then why did he say ‘shit’?!

Aegis wasn’t like that. He didn’t like Remus. It made zero sense.

Remus’s brain was just trying to… make something out of nothing…

Then, deep inside of him, another feeling. The urge to scarper off. To run away and hide and pretend like nothing happened. His body trembled slightly with the need to just go away. He didn’t want to deal with this! Except there was nothing to deal with because IT WASN’T REAL!

“Remus, you look a little… pale,” Aegis said, finally speaking.

“I don’t feel so well,” he croaked out, putting his hand to his forehead which was slick with sweat.

“You are shaking.” Aegis dropped his sandwich and scooted a little closer. “Perhaps you should get back to the shop and lay down?”

“I—“ Remus’s throat closed up, and all he could do was nod.

Aegis put all their things up and stood up, offering a hand. As Remus put his hand in his, he could hear Aegis’s heart going faster, and could smell a familiar smell on him. One that he associated with… well… lustful feelings. Excitement. Desire. The smell from pheromones, when boys tended to get around girls they liked. Peter got it every time he was in the hospital wing, as he fancied Madame Pomfrey. Sirius seemed to smell like it all the time. And Remus couldn’t make his brain think of a logical reason why Aegis would get that smell holding Remus’s hand.

Unless…

Unless he did like Remus.

Which he didn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t be like that!

Aegis pushed aside the branches so Remus could stumble out, and he nearly fell over. Aegis caught his arm so he wouldn’t fall to the ground, and there was a rush of even more dizziness in his head. “Th-thank you,” he managed to get out, the words hardly more than a squeak.

“Perhaps I should walk you back to the shop,” Aegis said slowly, forehead wrinkling. “You do not seem well at all.”

Remus couldn’t answer. He wanted to say no because he didn’t want to be around Aegis anymore. He wanted to bury himself under a pile of blankets and pillow, pretend this never happened, pretend these panicked thoughts were nothing more than a dream—

Impossible.

Aegis?

AEGIS?!

No! No possibly way could another of Remus’s friends be like that! Lily was, and that was ridiculous to him! The chances of it were small, so the chances of another friend being like that were even smaller, and that friend liking him—no, no, no, it wasn’t—he wasn’t thinking logically at all.

Then why did he say ‘shit’?

No, no, no. The word ticked in him like a clock, making Remus’s leg quiver and his belly churn. It must have looked as though he was about to fall as Aegis grabbed him again.

“Perhaps we should sit down,” he said, guiding Remus towards a bench.

“N-no,” he croaked out, and dropped his lunch pail. It clattered to the pavement and broke open, spilling the food.

Aegis released his arm and picked everything up, and as he did, Remus almost sank to the ground. Aegis dropped both the lunch pail and his bag, to grab Remus again. This time he shoved Remus towards a bench, making him sit down. Remus slumped forward, putting his head between his knees as it grew increasingly difficult to breathe.

“Do I need to get your father?”

“NO!” Remus yelped so loud that Aegis jumped back. “I mean. Sorry. No.”

Aegis bit his bottom lip. “You are shaking terribly, Remus, and have gotten so pale.”

Remus looked at his hands which were trembling harder than he expected. Slowly he looked back up at those icy blue eyes. Are you? he wondered, heart in his throat. Have you been sending me anonymous Shakespeare notes?

He had wished many times for his admirer to be a boy but this wasn’t—he couldn’t even fathom that it could be. That—that it probably was, because why else would Aegis say ‘shit’ like that and get nervous if he wasn’t worried he accidentally revealed something he didn’t want revealed and was Aegis his admirer?!

Maybe I’m going crazy, Remus thought, taking in a few deep gulps of air. Maybe it was still the full moon and he was in the cellar and dreaming all of this. That made more sense than Aegis being like that and liking him. After all, he was a monster! Nobody could like him like that. Except he doesn’t know you’re a monster, reminded a soft voice.

Without thinking, Remus reached out and took hold of Aegis’s wrist. The scent of his pheromones grew. Aegis started to step away then paused. “Do you need something?”

Remus stared at him, unable to speak.

“Should I take you to Saint Mungo’s?”

He shook his head hard at that, finally releasing Aegis’s wrist. He needed to know. He had to know! But if he said anything, Aegis would know he knew and it would be a big mess, especially if Aegis wasn’t the one (except if he wasn’t why did he say ‘shit’?) and Remus just wanted to run, run, run far away only his legs weren’t working at all anymore.

Aegis sat down next to him. “Remus, I am very concerned right now. Please say something.”

Remus focused on his face, trying to form the words that he was okay, that he’d be fine. Instead he blurted out, “You like Shakespeare.”

Aegis looked exceedingly lost. “Wh-what? Er. Yes, I do, but what does that have to do with…” He trailed off and slowly some pink crept along his neck. “Why would you randomly say that?” He was clearly struggling to keep his voice light, though his heart sounded like it might explode.

Remus tore his gaze away from him. “Sorry.” He stared at the empty street in front of him, legs twitching as he wanted to run away. “No reason.”

“Why would you say that?” Aegis asked again, this time firmer, a hint of fear. Remus shook his head. “Remus—“

“I should go.” Remus quickly stood up which was a big mistake; his legs gave way and he collapsed back down onto the bench, clutching his chest as his own heart felt ready to explode. “I think I am sick again, don’t—just ignore me. Sorry.” He struggled to get back up and managed to remain standing this time.

Aegis got to his feet. “No.” Remus turned to leave—needing to leave—but Aegis grabbed his arm and jerked him around to face him again. “Why did you bring Shakespeare up?”

Remus didn’t know what to say. Everything was falling into place now, yet still made no sense, and he wanted to continue to deny it. Yet it was clear Aegis suspected that Remus knew now. The slip-up… no, the slip-up hadn’t been enough. It was the ‘shit’ after. The fear. And if Remus simply ran off, he would probably hurt Aegis, and he didn’t want to hurt him… though he also wanted to just take off into the sun and let himself melt into nothing.

“I… don’t know…” Remus took a step back. “Why would I?”

Aegis pressed his lips together. “That is not an answer.”

“Does it—does it matter why I did?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Aegis remained silent at that, unable to answer without giving it away. That’s when Remus saw that this was it, this was the moment where everything was decided. There was no way they could simply go back to the way things were half an hour ago. Their friendship would be broken, which Remus didn’t want… but he was too terrified to say anything because of that lingering doubt. Even with all the evidence in his face, all he could do was doubt because how could Aegis be like that? How could Aegis like him? Everything was filling his head and buzzing and he wanted to run and why couldn’t things be simple?! Why couldn’t Remus be braver? Or know what he wanted? Why was he forced to face this decision now? And did it even matter, because nothing could happen! Remus was a WEREWOLF! He couldn’t risk being close with anyone!

Aegis took a step back, a multitude of emotions running across his face. Remus folded his arms tightly, shoulders slumping a bit. Neither spoke, neither knew what to say.

Remus sort’ve wanted to say he was like that, but… it wouldn’t be fair. Even if Aegis did like him… Remus was a werewolf. It couldn’t happen. It couldn’t be. If they did start a tentative relationship (Oh, God), it would be built on lies. With Aegis having no idea what Remus really was and that was wrong. Very, very wrong.

Yet.

His heart ached and he wanted to take Aegis’s hand and say yes, he was like that.

“You know,” Aegis finally said distantly. He wrapped an arm around his chest, hand clutching his shoulder as he stared at the buildings across the street.

“What do I know?”

“Don’t give me that.” His voice was bitter now, and full of anguish. He stepped back again, and then again. “That’s it, then.” A short, sad laugh. “Merlin.”

“Aegis—“

“I am sorry, Remus,” he said, turning away. “I hoped you’d never find out.”

Oh, God.

“I was not even thinking earlier, when I said what I did… but you are too smart. All I can do is… ask you not tell anyone, please. And do not worry, I shall not bother you anymore. Pine from a distance, perhaps, but… no more than that. I’m sorry.”

Remus stared at Aegis’s back, panic building up inside of him. Did he want Aegis to walk off? He had to. Right? It wasn’t right, to—to try anything, to give Aegis hope, because—

AEGIS JUST CONFESSED?!

Remus almost fell over again as he realized what Aegis said. Pine from a distance.

Pine from a distance.

Aegis was.

No doubt left, no doubt possibly left because he just said—HE JUST SAID?!

Remus began breathing hard, throat clogging up, tongue growing heavy. Aegis began walking off, head bowed, body shrinking into itself. Tormented by what he just lost. That Remus didn’t want to lose.

He didn’t want to lose Aegis.

He…

He didn’t want…

But he shouldn’t, it was lies, it’d be a lie, Aegis didn’t know he was a werewolf, and it was wrong, it would be WRONG!

Remus tried to say something. What it was, he didn’t know. All that emerged was a gasping sort of sound and then he clamped his mouth shut, feeling his nose itch as a million different scenarios went through his head followed by the overwhelming urge that he didn’t want to be alone.

And, knowing it was wrong, he spoke.

“I like Shakespeare too.”

Aegis stopped then slowly turned around. They stared at one another in silence. The only sounds were of the wind blowing, distant sounds of kids playing, an aeroplane flying somewhere far ahead… and two hearts both racing a mile a minute.

Then, “What?”

Remus opened and closed his mouth, unable to speak anymore.

Aegis took a few swift strides, closing the space between them. “What did you say?” he asked, shock and disbelief filling his voice which broke slightly.

“I… like Shakespeare… too,” Remus whispered, feeling as though the earth were going to open up and swallow him whole any second now. Part of him wished it would.

Now Aegis opened and closed his mouth, no words coming out. He furrowed his brow then, after a deep breath, asked, “What do you mean by that?

What DO I mean by that? Remus backed up a little, fighting the urge to empty his cauldron. “I… I…” The nearby clock tower chimed out, announcing it was one-forty-five. Was it already that late? Remus jerked, blinking rapidly as he took a few more steps back. “I have to go.”

Aegis’s hand whipped out, seizing Remus’s wrist as he tried to turn and run. “No!” He gripped him tightly, cool fingers digging into Remus’s sweaty skin. “No. Not until you tell me what in Merlin’s name did you mean?”

“L-let go, please,” he whimpered, trying to get free, the panic consuming him. “I need to get back to the shop.” He knew how he sounded: scared, confused, lost. He hadn’t even thought, when he initially blurted it out, and was now scared that he had. Because the fears were clawing at his chest now: the fact he couldn’t date anyone!

“Please answer me first,” Aegis said, pleading.

Remus’s breaths were shaky and uneven, getting faster and faster. “I don’t understand—“

“Don’t give me that!” His eyes were huge now, and his voice starting to get hints of anger which Remus had never heard from him before. Aegis never lost his temper. Even when he was being beaten to a pulp by his disgusting half-brother, he simply took it and crawled away after.

Though, Remus deserved to be yelled at. He had essentially admitted to knowing, possibly admitted he was Like That too, and then dodged answering. It was vile and low of him, and he knew it. But he didn’t know what else to do, because he was frightened; frightened of confessing, frightened of what might happen if he confessed… frightened of what might happen if he allowed himself to get closer to Aegis. Aegis didn’t deserve a monster in his life like that. A friend, possibly, but no more. Remus—Remus could not do that to him. It was unfair.

He just needed some time to think. To sort everything out. Somewhere where he wasn’t in the middle of an emotional storm. He didn’t want to hurt Aegis, because what if…? He didn’t dare give him hope, because what if…? What if? WHAT IF?!

What if I wasn’t a monster?

If he wasn’t a monster he knew exactly what he would do. He would take Aegis’s hand and tell him he was Like That, and—and maybe…?

“Remus!” Aegis cried out, desperate.

“I don’t know!” he cried out right back, everything inside of him swelling to a crescendo. “I don’t know, Aegis! I don’t know!” He shook Aegis’s hand free and began backing up, breaths coming rapidly now; he was starting to hyperventilate. “I don’t know. Okay? I don’t know, I just—I—I don’t know and I have to get back to the shop, and I don’t know, and I’m sorry, and it’s not—it isn’t—I—“

He took a few more faltering steps back, trying to ignore the hurt on Aegis’s face. The best thing to do was to say he wasn’t Like That, or to say he wasn’t… interested in Aegis…

“I’m not—“ His words got stuck, and it was even harder to breath. “IMNOTUPSETITSYOU!” he shouted then turned and ran as fast as he could back to the shop.

Chapter Text

I’m not upset it’s you?

I’M NOT UPSET IT’S YOU?!

Remus banged his forehead against his desk over and over, his words repeating inside of him without ending. Once he had reached the shop he had run right to the lavatory and thrown up. He was so sweaty and shaky and pale that Lyall actually closed the shop down for a few minutes so he could take Remus home. Hope was beside herself with worry, fussing over Remus like usual until finally letting him ‘rest’. Instead of staying in bed he went to his desk and tried to bang sense into his brain.

It wasn’t working.

Everything inside of him writhed, every little thing screaming for attention. Aegis, being his secret admirer. Aegis, being Like That. Aegis… liking him. Remus, more or less admitting he was like that too. Remus, who should have shut everything down the second it started saying he wasn’t upset that his secret admirer was Aegis.

Groaning, he banged his forehead against the wood once more. “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You can’t. You can’t! It’s a lie. It’s a lie.” Bang, bang, bang. Too much. Too overwhelming.

He shoved the chair back with another groan and got up, pacing now. He couldn’t act on this. He couldn’t! It was wrong. It’d be a lie! Aegis deserved better!

But don’t I deserve something? He stopped pacing, staring at nothing in particular. No. He couldn’t let himself think that, couldn’t let himself feel that. A werewolf didn’t deserve anything. Especially not a date with someone who had no idea he was a werewolf! It wasn’t right, it wasn’t right, it wasn’t right.

Remus stood still for a few seconds then went to the loose brick, wriggling it until it popped free so he could go through the many letters he had hidden there. He had kept all the Shakespeare notes, which, at the time, hadn’t really known why but now he was glad of. He took the letters and sat on the edge of his bed, organizing them by date.

For where thou art, there is the world itself, and where thou are not: desolation.

Valentine’s day, his first letter.

What light is light if Remus be not seen? What joy is joy if Remus be not by? I hope you have a good birthday and I am glad to know you are feeling better.

His birthday, along with a present.

See how he leans his head upon his hand. Oh, if I were a glove upon that hand that I might touch that hair!

After Remus started using shampoo. That one had been seen by the other Marauders, and he had been teased for it.

Remus. I have heard what others are saying about you. That you are not well in the head. I want to assure you I find this gossip to be poppycock. I know your friends are by your side and you are not alone, but I hope my words help you as well. Then again perhaps I am not the keenest judge on madness as what is love but a madness most discreet? Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs, being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes, being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers’ tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, a choking gall and preserving sweet.

That was when the rumors of his sanity had reached its peak.

If I could write the beauty of your eyes and in fresh numbers all your graces, the age to come would say this poet lies! Such heaven never touched early faces. PS your legs are gorgeous, you should wear a skirt more often.

Remus went red, rereading that one, having sorta forgotten the leg part. He squirmed, fire pooling in his belly at the thought of Aegis looking at his legs. That one was sent after the Day of Lourey.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer’s lease hath all too short a date. Not short enough though. A long summer without gazing upon your face, and I am already missing doing so. Have a lovely summer, Remus, though none could be as lovely as you.

Remus slid back on the bed until he was against the wall, toes curling a little as he reread the lines he had forgotten about. How… intense they were. From Aegis! These were from Aegis! Then he reread the skirt one again, going brilliantly red. He had worn shorts a couple of times around him this summer… had Aegis been looking at his legs, then? He didn’t think his legs were particularly nice. They were scrawny and hairy.

Though none could be as lovely as you.

Remus buried his face in his pillow, unable to stand reading it anymore. Aegis had sat down and penned these and sent them to Remus. Pining from a distance… PINING?!

He likes me. A boy. Likes me. Aegis likes me.

But he doesn’t know I’m a monster.

He slid to the floor, spreading the letters out in a semi-circles, frowning at them, wondering what to do. He couldn’t… he shouldn’t! Even if he wanted to, it was out of the question! Or… did he want to? Did he want to be with… Aegis? He was very nice. They got along very well. And he was very cute…

He thought of the few times their hands had touched, of when Aegis helped him off the ground that day. Of when Aegis had clung to him briefly during a violent storm. Of how nice that felt, holding him.

No, no, no, you’re a monster!

Remus slumped back against his bed, head falling back against his mattress. It wasn’t fair! Ever since Jean-Marie… he started realizing how much he did want someone. Wanted to know what it was like to be fancied, to be held, to be gazed at. He wanted to kiss and be awkward and go on proper dates. He wanted what everyone else could freely have, even if other boys like him had to be private about it. It wasn’t FAIR! He couldn’t. And it was wrong—so damn WRONG—to lie to Aegis about who he really was. If they went out, it’d be a lie. Aegis would be unknowingly dating a monster, and that was wrong.

Angry now, he put the letters away and crawled under his covers, clutching his pillow and biting the corner of it a bit. He had no future, no prospects, no anything, because of the damn bite. His life was essentially written in stone and it led no where. Didn’t he deserve a chance to be human? To be a normal teenager? To hold someone’s hand and kiss and flirt and just… BE?! He already lost so much and would lose so much but right now at Hogwarts, he was trying to be as normal a teenager as he could be and didn’t that include this? Dating? Or did he deserve to simply… never experience that? To be denied?

He put the pillow over his head, so confused. So conflicted. Back and forth and up and down and round and round, everything all at once, building up inside of him until he wanted to SCREAM!

It’s wrong. He fell limp, exhausted. I don’t know what to tell him, but I have to tell him no. It’s not possible for us to… be.

No. But he did want to. He wanted to be with someone. To be human for once in his damn life! But—but wasn’t that just using Aegis? Wasn’t that wrong too? Yet… it wasn’t just to experience it, he did like Aegis quite a lot and could easily see himself… falling for him. Yet it was selfish.

Remus groaned and flung his pillow across the room, his head pounding trying to sort this out. Why couldn’t things be simple and clear and easy? But it wasn’t, and he hated it, and hated himself for being so… so… unsure! When he should be sure, he should be sure he couldn’t do anything and knew he should tell Aegis no—but he didn’t want to!

Was it so wrong?

It can’t be a real relationship, you’d be lying to him.

He stretched out, staring blankly at the ceiling. I can’t lie to him. I can’t be a normal human boy, because I’m not a normal human boy, and I can’t lead Aegis on. It’s wrong. It’s wrong, and you have to tell him no.

Remus rolled over and curled into a tiny ball, clutching Gwyllgi now as he tried not to cry.

I just want to be normal.

*

Except there were going to be several days before they saw each other again. On Saturday, after his father left for work, Remus told his mother he’d be out reading and then snuck into Dragon’s Field. He had written a letter that morning, asking Aegis to please meet him at one by the Blue Haven tree on Monday. He considered writing in the letter that they couldn’t be, but that felt wrong. It would be better to do it face to face.

The local owl post was attached to the pub, in a dingy little building that used to be a stable. Remus dug his few knuts out of his pocket and paid for the letter to be delivered to Aegis Silverlocke, as swift as possible with what he could afford.

He walked slowly back home, kicking a rock as he went, feeling so sick that he ended up emptying his cauldron in some bushes near the road. “Why does everything have to be so complicated?” he moaned out, wiping his mouth off on his sleeve.

He staggered back to the house finally, and collapsed in his room, wondering how he was going to survive the weekend. It felt like an eternity, despite it only being around forty-eight hours.

Forty-seven hours.

Remus tugged his blanket tighter around him, wondering if Aegis would even show up. Maybe he had ruined everything—no, not ruined, because if Aegis never showed up that was good. Right? He was going to tell Aegis they couldn’t be together, so if Aegis never showed up, that was a good thing. Right? Even if it hurt him? So much?

Forty-six.

Remus tried to work on some of his assignments then gave up, instead heading into the woods for a walk except it just reminded him of the time he spent with Sirius which made him more confused, so he returned to the house and moped around the living room. Hope finally snapped at him for his attitude and he trudged back to his cellar.

Forty-four. God, this was agony.

Supper. Time with his family. Back down to the cellar. Attempts to read which failed. Attempts to do schoolwork which failed. Attempts to write to his friends which failed. Finally he took a warm bath (forty hours) and tried to go to sleep, only to be woken up in the middle of the night by something tapping at his window. He flailed, getting tangled in his covers as he was scared somehow Aegis had written back to him even though he probably hadn’t even gotten the letter yet.

He was relieved to see it was just Filibuster, Sirius’s insane owl.

Wait.

“Fili?”

Remus scrambled over towards the window, falling flat on his face in doing so and busting his nose open. He swore, tugging his shirt up to staunch the bleeding as he climbed up to open the window. Fili screeched at him and flung the letter in his face, nearly whacking his eye. Then the damned owl made a weird hooting sound before flying off, leaving some white paste smeared by Remus’s hand.

He closed the window, returning to his bed as he ripped the envelope open. It was a small piece of parchment, with hardly any writing on it.

Dearest Remy,

I’m fine. I’m sorry to have worried you so much but I promise I’m fine. All is good here, or as good as Grimmy place can be. I’m still on for the World Cup with James, too, if that helps ease your worries. I’ve written to him and to Peter, so they’ll know I’m okay too.

Sorry for having this be so short. I’ll write again soon.

Yours,

Sirius

That was it. Remus turned the letter over and over, finding nothing else written, although he could see some imprint of writing on the paper, from Sirius writing on a piece of parchment over this one. Remus got into his desk, fishing out a pencil, and then carefully rubbing it over the imprints. There wasn’t much he could see, and he wasn’t sure who the letter was written to—perhaps James? But he did see things like punishment and locked up. He set the parchment down, nibbling at his thumbnail, fretting. Not that there was anything he could do besides fret. And feel sick.

After much pacing he sat down and wrote out a long letter, asking Sirius about what happened, begging him to talk if something was wrong.

I know you’re not okay. Just tell me, all right? My imagination is probably worse than what actually happened. I know you don’t like me being worried about you but I CANNOT HELP IT! We’ve been over this countless times. I am NOT going to stop worrying about you no matter what you say. You are my best friend, Sirius, and I am here for you. Please. Let me be here for you.

*

Remus snuck into Dragon’s Field again on Sunday, using the last of his money won from betting against the Marauders to send his letter to Sirius. When he said it was going to the Black’s home at Grimmauld Place, the witch behind the counter made a face.

“Whatch’oo want them for?” she sneered as she attached the letter. “Bad news, the lot of ‘em.”

“People judging others based on their bloodline is bad news,” Remus retorted before leaving the building, hoping his snarky response didn’t mean she wouldn’t send the letter.

As Remus walked home, each step made a pendulum inside of him swing. Whooosh! On one side worry about Sirius. Whooosh! On the other side, worry about Aegis and what was going to happen the next day. Twenty-six hours. Which was going to come sooner than any response from Sirius, so as he arrived back home he decided to dwell mostly on that.

During lunch his parents made plans for taking Remus shopping, which he barely heard. He poked at his food, most of their words going in one ear and out the other. His indifference and lack of attention irritated Lyall who began shouting at him to be a little nicer. Remus merely blinked at him, not entirely sure what he was talking about. When Lyall didn’t get any sort of response it made him even angrier, and, ignoring Hope, he sent Remus to his room.

Twenty-four hours now.

He spent most of the afternoon pacing around, hands jerking about as he went over what he was going to say. Every single thing sounded horrible and stupid, and hurt him.

“I’m sorry Aegis, I’m not like that.”

“I’m sorry Aegis, I’m not looking to date.”

“I’m sorry Aegis, I’m too sick to date.”

He yanked at his hair, moaning loudly as his words failed him. Maybe speaking them was a bad idea. He was better at writing. So he sat down, grabbed a quill, and began scribbling out his thoughts.

I cant date I want to id love to but I cant and I cant explain why I wish I could but I cant I feel trapped merlin I feel trapped in a box and its getting smaller and I want to be free I want to be ME this isnt

He threw the quill aside, feeling like writing was futile too.

I wish Lily were here. His head dropped down, forehead smacking against the parchment and getting some ink smudged there. Then an idea wormed its way in his head. A bloody stupid idea. He shoved his chair back and went upstairs, finding his mother in her garden. He sat with her for a few minutes, chattering about random things, and then asked her if she had any Muggle coins.

“Muggle coins?” Hope looked surprised. “Why?”

“For Muggle Studies,” he lied, toeing the ground, hoping she wouldn’t see through him. “I need to write an essay on the difference between Muggle money and our money. I know exactly what our money looks like, but I don’t know much about Muggle money.”

Hope got up, tugging her gardening gloves off. “Of course, dear. Come on.” She took him inside and rummaged around her bedside table before producing a handful of coins. He guiltily took them, thanking her, then saying he was going to go off into the woods to write. “You’ve been going into the woods a lot,” she said as he backed away.

“It’s peaceful there.”

Fifteen minutes later he was walking towards the nearest Muggle town. It was quite a bit aways compared to Dragon’s Field, but his anxiety fueled him and before he knew it he was wandering down the main street, feeling as though every single Muggle was staring at him. He kept his head down though his eyes on the lookout for what he needed. It didn’t take long to find the booth. He shoved the door open and gladly closed it behind. Now to figure it out.

After studying the public telephone for a moment, he picked the receiver up and poked at the lever a few times. Finally he inserted a few coins and, cradling the receiver between his ear and shoulder, dug the phone number out of his pocket. Lily had given it to him ages ago, on the off chance he’d ever be able to call which he had said he probably wouldn’t.

There was a faint ringing sound. Remus turned around to lean against the glass, chewing at his thumbnail again. Rinnnng… riiiiinnnng. Perhaps they weren’t home. That was always a possibility. It seemed that Muggles like to do things on Sunday afternoons—

“Hello, Evans residence, Petunia speaking.”

Remus stared in shock. First of all, that someone answered. Second of all, that Petunia answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi,” Remus squeaked out. “Er. I’m phoning for Lily. Is she available?”

There was silence, except for some breathing. “Who’s calling?”

He started to say his name then changed his mind; with everything Lily had told him, Petunia might get worked up over a name like Remus. “Peter Pettigrew.”

“Oh.” A sniffle. “Hold, please.” The sound of the phone being set down. Then, “LILY, A BOY IS PHONING FOR YOU!” Footsteps going away, some distant talking, and then footsteps approaching.

Lily’s voice filled Remus’s ear. “Peter?”

“No, it’s me, Remus,” Remus whispered, almost afraid Petunia was still hovering around. “I thought your sister might not be happy about hearing a name like Remus Lupin.”

Lily gave a happy gasp then told him to hold on. Muffled sounds, a door closing. Then, “Ohmigosh Remus, I can’t believe it’s you! I’ve shut myself in the closet, so Pet won’t hear. I never expected—is everything all right?”

“Yes. No. Erm. Not… exactly.”

“What’s wrong?”

Remus clutched the receiver, all the events of the past few days racing through his head faster than the newest model of brooms. He made a few chokey sort of sounds, and then began crying.

“Remus? Love? No, no, calm down, what is it? What happened? Are you okay? Are your parents okay?”

“They’re f-f-fine,” he spluttered out, sliding down to the ground. “I’m not. I mean I am. But I’m not. Lily. I’m in a mess.”

“Calm down. Take a deep breath. Where are you?”

Remus glanced over at the very Welsh-sounding name of the pub he was outside of. “A Muggle town. It doesn’t matter, I can’t—I don’t—I mean, I wish you could be here but I know you can’t. I just needed to talk.”

Lily’s breathing got a little muffled for a second. Then, “Okay. What is going on? Remus?” she asked when he remained silent. “Are you in a telephone booth?”

“Yeah…”

“Because those cost money…”

“I know.” He rubbed his eyes. “I know I don’t have much time to talk. Hold on.” He got up and deposited another coin, just in case. “Okay. I don’t even know where to begin.” He sucked in some air, trying to figure out what to even say. Lily didn’t know he was a werewolf, so how was he supposed to dance around that? “Would it be wrong of me to—to go with someone even though I’m… I’m…”

“Gay?”

He began coughing at that. “No. Actually. No. I mean, sick. Really sick, you know how sick I am.” God, he wished he could tell her the truth! “It wouldn’t be fair, would it?”

Lily let out a sad sort of sigh. “Remus, darling, I think it would be unfair to go with a girl for other reasons.”

“No.” He closed his eyes, fingers curling tighter around the phone. “Not a girl.”

There was complete silence.

More silence.

And then—

“WHAT? WHAT?! REMUS?! WHAT?” followed by a crashing sort of sound, a yelp of pain, and then someone else asking if Lily was all right. “I’M FINE, MUM!” she shouted before returning to the phone. “Remus, pardon me, but what? Wait. Is Jean-Marie coming back?”

“No, no, not Jean-Marie.” Remus turned around, the cord wrapping around his shoulders. “Another boy. Likes me. He told me. And—“

“What’s your middle name?”

“Huh?”

“What’s your middle name?”

Remus frowned. “John…?”

“REMUS JOHN LUPIN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TALKING TO ME INSTEAD OF GOING ON A DATE WITH HIM?!”

He held the phone at a distance, wincing at the loudness of her voice. “Please tell me your mother or sister didn’t just hear that…”

“I don’t think they did,” Lily said, breathing heavily. “Good GOD! Remus! Are you joking?”

“No…” He sank back down, unwinding the cord from his shoulders. “Look, I just—it wouldn’t be fair.”

“Why wouldn’t it be fair?” she demanded. “Because you’re sick? He knows you’re sick, doesn’t he?”

Remus bit his lip so hard that blood welled up. “Yes. But—“

“But?”

I’m a monster. He tipped his head back so it banged against the glass. This was a mistake. He couldn’t tell her exactly why he was so scared! Now she knew some boy liked him and wasn’t going to ever let it go. “Lily, I don’t—I—I don’t know. It doesn’t seem fair. I’m not… I’m not normal.”

There was a snort. “Is this the gay thing again? Because if he’s interested in you, I’m pretty sure he’s gay too.” She gasped suddenly. “Who is it?”

“I’m not telling, I—I can’t tell,” he whimpered. “I don’t mean the gay thing anyway. I mean—I’m not… normal. I’m weird. I’m different.” He splayed one hand out over his knee, staring at his stubby fingernails. I’m a freak monster. “I don’t know if I can explain it. Just—just forget it, forget I said anything—“

“No, wait!” she cried out. “Please don’t run off. Look. I know you’re scared. I understand. I mean, I suppose I can’t fully understand because I’m not in the same position you are, I’m not ill. And I don’t know exactly how bad off you are with… whatever it is you have. But you aren’t insane, if that’s what you were trying to get at. And you certainly deserve to go on a date. You’re worthwhile, Remus.”

Remus stared at nothing, not saying anything.

“Remus?”

“I’m here,” he whispered, curling his body in a little towards the phone. “I don’t feel worthy enough.”

“I know you don’t,” she replied gently. “But you are.”

He lifted his finger and trailed it across the glass. I’m a monster. “What if there was something wrong with me, that made me a bad person?”

Lily’s laugh was soft and full of sympathy. “You aren’t a bad person, stupid. You’re one of the best people I know. What’s gotten you so down about yourself? Is it because he asked you out?”

“He—he didn’t ask me out. He just… admitted he liked me.”

“What did you say to him?”

Remus flinched. “I said I wasn’t upset that he liked me, and then I ran away.”

A moment of silence and then Lily burst into laughter so loud that Remus had to jerk the phone away again. “Oh CHRIST, Remus! Look. All I can really say is I think you should go for it. It’s better to go for it than not, and regret it later. Maybe something bad will happen. Maybe something wonderful will happen. Please don’t lock yourself away, because of what might happen. Taking risks is scary but—but you’re a Gryffindor, and you’re worth it, okay?”

He sniffled, poking at the glass again.

“You are brilliant and wonderful and caring and smart and sweet and adorable, and there is nothing wrong with you that would make you not worthy of love.”

You wouldn’t say that if you knew the truth.

“At least give yourself the chance. Okay? I—“

Another voice interrupted them, saying that Remus needed to deposit more money. He fished around in his pockets and realized he didn’t have enough. Remus shouted goodbye at Lily, not sure if she could hear him or not, and then hung the phone up.

After a few moments of standing in the booth thinking, he finally opened the door and headed home.

*

Day of reckoning.

Remus took an exorbitant amount of time getting dressed in the morning, discarding most of his clothes before finally settling on something. He brushed his hair so many times he felt like Sirius (Don’t think of Sirius right now, or the letter you’re waiting for) then was a nervous ball of anxiety all through breakfast and the morning at the shop.

Four hours.

Three.

Two.

He thought he was going to throw up.

One hour.

As one pm neared, he ran to the bathroom and threw up, not that there was much since he had barely eaten. He rinsed his mouth out and used a minty sort of spell so his breath didn’t stink, then scurried back out to the main room. Half an hour. Fifteen minutes. Ten. Five. He wrung his hands and finally asked his father if he could leave for his break a bit early. Lyall shrugged, and waved his hand for him to go.

Remus left, not bothering to take his lunch pail because there was no way he was going to be able to eat anything. What if he’s not there? That would probably be for the best. Because Remus decided that no matter how much he wanted to believe Lily’s words, he could not do that to someone.

He was going to turn Aegis down.

By the time he reached the park his legs felt ready to collapse. At first glance he didn’t see Aegis, and there was a mixture of relief and sadness. Then he realized Aegis was probably under the tree. Taking a deep breath, he pushed aside the branches…

And Aegis was standing there, one arm across his middle, clutching his other arm’s elbow. He glanced up at the sound of the branches moving, and several emotions passed over his face. They were the only ones under the tree, by some lucky turn of event.

“Hi.”

“Hello…”

They stood there in awkward silence as Remus tried to build his nerve up. He scuffed the grass with the toe of his shoe while Aegis tugged a blue leaf off the tree and spun it between his fingers. Both waited for the other to say something. Both remained silent.

Remus swallowed. Opened his mouth. And—

“If I could write the beauty of your eyes,” Aegis mumbled, “and in fresh number all your graces… the age to come would say ‘this poet lies; such heavenly touches ne’er touched earthly faces’.”

It sent a shiver down Remus’s spine.

Aegis looked up, blue eyes boring into him. Waiting.

I’m sorry, Remus tried to say. I’m not gay. I’m sorry, I’m not interested. It won’t happen. It can’t happen. It shouldn’t happen. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, but no.

That’s what he should have said.

Instead he said, “Say it again. Please.”

Aegis blinked a few times, letting the leaf fall, drifting slowly to the ground. “Shall I compare thee to a summer day?” he recited, his voice filling Remus’s ears, his chest, his whole body. “Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer’s lease hath all too short a date.”

Those words, that trigger this whole thing.

Remus tried to ask him to stop because it was too much and too wrong and shouldn’t be happening.

“Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, and often is his gold complexion dimmed.” Aegis took a step closer, eyes never leaving Remus’s eyes. “And every fair from fair sometimes declines. By chance or nature’s changing course untrimmed.”

With each soft word, Remus’s heart beat harder and harder. It was one thing reading the sonnets sent to him, it was something else entirely to have someone whispering this to him as a few soft blue leaves flittered down around them. It felt like he was melting, and not from the sun.

“But thy eternal summer shall not fade, nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st; nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade, when in eternal lines to time thou grow’st.” His gaze softened. “So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives like to thee.”

He had the entire sonnet bloody memorized and just spout it out like it was nothing and then stood there, waiting for Remus’s response. I’m sorry, he needed to say. I can’t. But Remus felt as though his entire body was humming. It felt… well, a way he didn’t feel too often. The sonnet recitation had turned him on more than he expected.

“Remus,” Aegis finally said, his voice hoarse. “I need to know.”

Can’t you just stand there quoting Shakespeare indefinitely? “I… I…” The words were thick on his tongue and the desire to run away took over. “I’m not… I don’t…” He clenched his teeth, closing his eyes and turning his head. “I’m not good at this.”

He heard Aegis step even closer. “Good at what? Telling me yes or no?”

“Yes… or no… about what?” Remus looked back at him. “You—you haven’t asked me anything.”

Aegis looked like he was ready to punch Remus now, which frankly, he knew he deserved. “It seems an obvious question to me.” He rubbed his temples, giving a shaky breath before, “Are you?”

Remus trembled. Yes. No. No, no, no. It—he couldn’t. He needed to be firm and stop this before it went any further. Needed to tell him there was no chance whatsoever. Needed to—

Needed.

“Yes.”

Aegis’s eyes flickered with surprise. “And… do you?”

That one, Remus was confused by. “Do I what?”

He didn’t look annoyed or upset, at least; actually, he looked a little amused. “Remus. Do you want to go on a date? With… with me?”

No. I can’t. I shouldn’t. I’m not the person you think I am. I’m a monster, a fucking monster, you’ll hate me we can’t I can’T I CAN’T!

“……yes.”

Hope filled Aegis’s face, and Remus felt like he was dying.

“Yes, Aegis. I—I really would.”

Chapter Text

Wednesday.

A date on Wednesday.

They nervously made the plans and then Remus excused himself to empty his cauldron in a nearby rubbish bin, gaining disapproving looks from everyone else in the park. He was embarrassed (he highly doubted Sirius ever threw up after agreeing to go on a date), but Aegis didn’t seem bothered by it, and they agreed to simply… go their separate ways until Wednesday. Which was good, because Remus didn’t think he could be around Aegis at the moment.

A date. DATE!

Remus stumbled back to the shop, hands outstretched to prevent himself from crashing into anything. It was next to impossible to pay any sort of attention to the world around him. The word date throbbed in his head, pulsing bigger until it’s all that existed besides a tiny voice whispering over and over that it was a mistake.

By the time he reached the shop, his body was numb and his mind was detatched from his body. His body made some sort of reply to Lyall about why he was back so soon, then performed his actions well enough for the rest of the day. Remus wasn’t part of it. He was barely aware of what was going on around his physical form to the point of it all being a big blank. Other than dropping a few items, as his fingers and hands were numb and tingly. As the day came to an end, he wondered what would happen when he was pulled along in the Apparation. His mind wasn’t connected to his body, so would it be left behind? Would his soul be Splinched?

“Remus, darling, are you all right?”

He was surprised to find that they were home, and Hope looked anxious. She forced him to sit down and get a glass of water in him, which he did… obeying her commands as if she had the Imperius curse on him since he certainly had no control over his own body. At least whatever was going on with him was making the time pass quickly, because before he knew it it was time for bed.

Date, he thought, brushing his teeth as he stared hollowly at his reflection. What does Aegis even see in me? He was small and scrawny and sickly. The only nice thing about him, really, was his hair, because of the Dr. Danger shampoo. But Aegis started sending the letters long before he started properly cleaning his hair.

He bent forward to spit the tooth-cleansing potion out in the sink and wiped his mouth off on his arm, going back to staring at himself. His skin wasn’t bad as he never got any kind of acne, although it was very thin and translucent. Also extra pale at the moment, from the shock. It was a wonder Hope didn’t worry about him more than she had!

I’m not handsome or gorgeous or sexy or attractive in any sort of way. Remus stepped back, turning himself to one side and lifting his shirt to study his chest. Sighing, he dropped the shirt, shaking his head. It made no sense to him. But… Aegis… apparently did like him and want to go on a date. And Remus wanted to go on a date too, even though he knew he shouldn’t.

He knew what the Marauders would say. They’d say go for it. Not that they’d know, or he’d even ask them and pretend it was about a girl. If they had any idea he was going on a date, they’d nose their way into everything and discover the truth. Remus needed to be extra careful with them. But still, he knew perfectly well they’d urge him to date, lycanthropy be damned.

*

Tuesday was very rainy, which meant Remus couldn’t use any sort of excuse to go outside and hide from his mother. They were stuck in the house together and she wanted to spend time with him; every moment he feared she’d peel back the layers over him and see that he was doing everything he was told not to. That she’d see he was degenerate, like she accused David Bowie of being the year before. He was a bit twitchy, and jumped several times when she mentioned him going to the shop the next day.

“Remus, can we talk?” she asked, after they finished lunch.

Remus drummed his fingers against the table, foot jiggling. “About what?”

Hope folded her hands together. “About tomorrow.”

Remus froze, heart nearly exploding. Slowly he swiveled his head to look at her. “Tomorrow?”

She reached over, clutching one of his hands. “Maybe I’m imagining it, but you seem upset, sweetheart. I thought… you… you know, if you don’t want to go to work the rest of August… I can tell Lyall you need to stay home. I don’t want you overdoing it.”

Now she brings this up? If she had said that at the beginning of July, he would have jumped all over it—but now? “No. No, it’s fine, it isn’t that,” he said quickly, trying to smile. “I’ve just got a lot of other things on my mind. Mostly worried about paying for school things.” That seemed like a logical thing to say.

Hope’s forehead creased slightly and she turned Remus’s hand over, sliding her palm against his before wrapping her fingers around it. “Please don’t worry yourself over our finances. We will be okay. I promise.” She pulled his hand up to kiss his knuckles and beamed. “I am proud of you, though. For working. I know running a thrift shop like that can’t be the most interesting of things, but it’s work, and it will sustain you after we’re gone.”

Remus began playing with her fingers, frowning. “That’s not for a long, long time, though.”

“Of course not.”

“Mum?”

“Yes, darling?”

He squeezed her hand gently. “Thank you for everything you do for me. I really appreciate it.” Hope’s eyes grew a bit watery and she flung her arms around him, kissing the side of his head. “Muuum!” he laughed, but didn’t try to push her away. He hugged her back, wishing he could be more honest with her.

*

Dear Remus, 11/8/74

you told me to write as soon as I heard from sirius I mean I think he probubly wrote to you too so its pointless to tell you but I promised so here you go. I hope your moon was okay by the way I don’t think I said that in my last letter which is awful of me! I know its really hard on you…

im glad you havent told james or sirius about my not becoming an animajus. Sirius menchuned it in his letter thats why I say it here.Theyre gonna be so mad at me. But its too scary. Im glad you understand though. I don’t know what im going to do when it comes time to do this. How do I say no to james? Im scared theyre gonna preshure me into it and you know me.

Anyway. Thanks for the help about the essays. Youre amazing. I might get good grades for some of my assignments now haha.

Pete

Dear Remus 11/8/1974

I think the Blacks did something really bad to Sirius. Has he said anything in your letter? He keeps saying he’s fine and I KNOW he’s not. I won’t lie, he’s been pretty honest with me lately about when they fuck him over and he hasn’t this time so I think it’s gotta be bad. Did he say anything to you? I don’t know what to do. I know we just need to be there for him but DAMN IT ALL it’s so hard not to kick down the door to Grimmauld place and whisk him away from safety away from those psychopaths. He’s still got two and a half years more or less until he can leave. If he leaves.

At least he says he can still go to the World Cup with me. Sorry for making this a Sirius-centric letter but I’m sure you understand.

James

Dearest Remus, 11-8-74

I hope you are okay! I’ve been SO worried about you! I assume our phone conversation was cut off due to not enough coins… or maybe you hung up on me. Which I wouldn’t be mad at, I promise.

I hope you actually listened to everything I had to say. I hope you follow your heart on what you want to do, and not let your fears take over. We only have one life to live, Remus; please live it! But also… if you’re not ready to date… don’t push yourself. We have our whole lives ahead of us.

I just want you to be happy.

Love,

Lily

PS WRITE BACK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE YOU MISERABLE TOAD OR ELSE! I AM DYING TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!

Dear Remus 12/8/74

All right fine, if you must know… Kreacher ratted me out to my parents. I ordered him not to tell but he hates me and thrives on me getting in trouble, so he tattled. I was locked up in my room for a while with no way to get letters out. See? It’s not so bad. Stop wrinkling your forehead (I know you are). You need to rest, and wrinkling your forehead takes up too much energy.

Anyway, as I said, I can still go to the World Cup… providing I prove to be a good example. Yes sir, Yes Mother, Muggles are evil, Kill Muggleborns, Purebloods forever! Ugh. I wish I could go off to Uncle Alphard’s again. I asked, but my mother snapped at me that I shouldn’t spend too much time around him and that he was a bad influence. HAH! If any Black is a bad influence on the Black family name, it’s me, eh?

I’ve found a book on Animagus. It’s in a mixture of French and Latin though, so I can’t really understand it. I’m going to steal it before I go back to school and hopefully you’ll be able to help translate it. I don’t think it has the exact instructions for what we need to do… but it would be a start, right?

Always yours,

Sirius

PS motorcycle guy is gone. Haven’t seen the bike in a few days. I am heartbroken.

*

Remus hardly got any sleep on Tuesday night, and woke up very early. He took a long shower before spending ages going through his clothes yet again. All his nice things he had already worn around Aegis, other than a few things the Marauders had given him which he couldn’t wear. Or could he?

He held up one of the button-up shirts James had given him and then pulled it on over a simply white t-shirt. It was a nice top, no faded spots or holes. Dark purple with black plaid, which suited him, in his opinion. Hopefully it looked really nice on him… Of course as soon as he went up for breakfast his mother remarked that she had never seen the shirt before. Remus slid into his seat and said one of his dormmates had gotten it for a birthday present but it was far too small for him, so he gave it to Remus. He crossed his fingers under the table… and tried not to breathe a sigh of relief when she seemed to accept his story.

Twenty minutes later, Remus was at the shop with his father and having to deal with his panic for a few hours until Aegis. He didn’t know what to do with himself; he didn’t know what to expect! He knew very little about dates… and what he did know tended to be things like a fancy restaurant or a film, if they’re Muggle. He and Aegis were only fourteen and stuck in the small magical section of Caerphilly. What were they going to do? Sirius went walking with Landers a few times… would they go for a walk?

What if he tries to hold my hand. Remus swallowed, tugging at his collar as he grew warm and flustered. Of course he wouldn’t! Not in public. What if they went somewhere… private? No. Where would they go? Unless they went under the Blue Haven and nobody was there?

WHAT IF HE TRIES TO HOLD MY HAND?!

Remus looked down at his hands which were shaking and getting all sweaty and very gross. He started to wipe them off on his jeans then changed his mind, not wanting sweat streaked on his trousers. Instead he went to the loo to wash his hands off but by the time he got back to the counter, they were all sweaty again. He went and grabbed some towels from the loo, hiding them behind the counter. Wish I paid attention to Sirius when he rambled about his dates. Remus propped his elbow on the counter and his chin in his hand, staring at the biggest clock in the room.

Then, out of no where, it hit him hard that he was about to go on his first date. A real date. With a boy. Who liked him. He nearly fell off the stool and had to steady himself against the counter, breathing turning rapid with panic. How did this happen? He barely even could think of himself along with the word ‘gay’ a few months ago! Hell, he still struggled with that word, even though he was getting better at it. A year ago he had no idea he was even—no, well, he had an idea. But still!

He put his head in his hands, focusing on trying to breathe slowly. Trying not to let the panic take over, which would if he let it because it was so… dizzying! A date. Him! A DATE?! He wanted to laugh! It made NO sense! Also, how was he going on a date before James or Peter?! As far as he knew he was the second Marauder to be kissed, after Sirius… and now the second Marauder to go on a date, after Sirius. Not James? Popular, good-looking, charismatic James bloody Potter? Instead Remus ‘overloaded with anxiety, awkwardness, and mental problems’ Lupin?!

By the time one o’clock came around, Remus was sweaty, stressed, frazzled, and debating whether or not to simply run away. How do I act? What if I throw up again? What if I pass out? What if he guessed? Oh, Christ, what if we go on our date and he holds my hand then somehow realizes I’m a werewolf?!

“Dad, I—I might be a bit later than forty-five minutes today, if that’s all right,” he managed to say as he grabbed his lunch pail.

Lyall shot him a suspicious look. “Why?”

“Aegis and I were going to work on some important homework.” He clutched the handle tightly. “It’s really important.”

Lyall snorted. “Try not to be too long.”

“I won’t.”

His legs were weak as he began walking towards the park, as if he had been hexed with a rubber spell or something. It took more effort than he would have liked just to put one foot forward. Breathe. It’s fine. It’s fine. You’re fine. He reached the park… and saw Aegis near the tree, waiting. He was dressed in his usual clothes, but somehow looked completely different. Remus paused, simply staring at him for a moment. Run. RUN! He grit his teeth and forced himself to go forward.

Aegis spotted him before he reached him, and gave an awkward wave. Remus waved back, somehow closing the space between them without collapsing.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

They stood there much like they had on Monday. Remus nearly dropped his pail from how sweaty his hands were, and Aegis rocked back and forth on his toes.

“How are you today?” Aegis finally asked.

Remus shifted the pail to his other hand. “All right.” He hesitated before admitting, “Nervous.”

Aegis looked utterly relieved. “Me too. I was thinking… if you did not have anything particular in mind… I—I had a plan.” Remus raised his eyebrows, giving him a questioning look. “I have some extra Floo powder and was wondering if perhaps you would like to go to Diagon Alley. We could eat at the Leaky Cauldron and then go to Fortescue’s for dessert. But if you do not want to,” he added quickly, “that is fine.”

“Ahh…” That did sound nice, although it gave him some extra anxiety at the thought of leaving Caerphilly completely. What would his father say, if he found out? Probably a lot of expletives. But… going somewhere else for their first date besides where they had been spending time sounded nice—

First date, Remus realized with a lurch. I’m calling this our first date, as if we’ll have more—which we won’t.

“That sounds brilliant.”

They went to the pub where Remus asked the barkeeper, in Welsh, if she could keep his lunch pail for him. She readily agreed and then he and Aegis Flooed into the Leaky Cauldron. Remus had only ever been there three times, and never longer than to go through it to Diagon Alley. It was a bit dim, but rather crowded which gave him more anxiety. Aegis led him to a small booth in the back then went to the bar to order food for them. Remus sat, tapping his toe against the floor, suddenly wondering what would happen if one of his other friends came through for school shopping. Peter probably wouldn’t, as his mother had a job and worked during the week. James and Sirius, on the other hand… they could come at any time… Except… no! The World Cup was coming up that weekend, wasn’t it? So they were probably getting ready for that. Hopefully.

Aegis returned with a platter. Two pies and two tall glasses of fizzy drink as well as a pitcher of water and two empty glasses. He carefully set the tray down and slid into the seat across from him, smiling. Smelling as nervous as Remus felt.

“Thank you,” Remus said, tugging one of the pies closer. “Er. Sorry I can’t… pay you back for a while…”

“Remus, this is a—“ Aegis stopped and his cheeks went pink. “My treat. As is dessert. Please?”

He nodded, unable to speak which happened rather fast. His tongue felt thick and swollen, and all he could really do was manage a slight smile, and then, to his humiliation, a dribble of drink when he tried to sip. He flushed red, quickly batting at the damp spot on his chest. Merlin, he was such a freak! How could Aegis not have run off screaming yet?

“Sorry,” he croaked out. “I, er, I’m not really sure what to say…”

“Nor I,” Aegis confessed, giving a slight giggle. “I feel as though if I talk about what we usually talk about, it would seem… mundane.”

“I—I don’t know what people…” He trailed off, knowing he couldn’t finish that sentence so instead he gave a slight nod towards Aegis, hoping he would understand. “It’s very new.”

“As it is for me as well.” Aegis leaned forward, lowering his voice to a whisper. “We can learn together?”

Remus went even redder, pleased at that comment despite the twisting sensation in his brain telling him he needed to stop this immediately. However, Aegis’s words eased the mood a little and soon the two were talking about everything they talked about before. School, books they were both reading, Ancient Runes club which Aegis wanted Remus to join come September, and, of course, Shakespeare which had them both going a bit red at… They both relaxed more as their conversation flowed, and for a while Remus even forgot it was a date since it seemed so normal.

Soon the pies and drinks were gone, and the two went out back to the dingy yard. Underage magic was not permitted, but technically tapping a wand against a brick wasn’t really magic. It was merely activating the entrance like a password. So Aegis tapped and the two went into Diagon Alley which was quite busy. Remus stuck close to Aegis as they made their way through the crowd, which seemed to mostly consist of families with younger students. Aegis easily guided him through the throng of shoppers, taking him right to Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you so… determined,” Remus said, rather awed at Aegis’s attitude throughout the date. Sitting Remus down, ordering their food, now this.

Aegis’s eyes widened. “I hope I am not too—“

“No, no,” Remus said quickly, “not like—not in a bad way. It’s nice, I mean.” He squirmed a little, no longer wanting to say it. “To see you taking charge.” Oh, Merlin.

“Oh, I see.” Now his ears went a little pink. “Well.” He held the door open for Remus. “I suppose I just wish this to be a pleasant experience for you.”

“Thank you. It… it is.”

Aegis stepped in behind him. “Pleasant enough, perhaps, to do this again?” he asked quietly, mere inches from Remus’s ear.

A shiver went down Remus’s spine. He knew he needed to say no. He had this now, this little experience of a date even if it was a small, short date. God, he didn’t want to, and really, at this moment, didn’t care how stupid he was being. He was enjoying himself immensely and wanted this to happen again. “Yes, I’d like that.”

Aegis’s entire face lit up and there was a slight bounce in his step as he headed for the counter. He ordered a large vanilla cone for himself with chopped nuts and berries, and Remus took a small dish of lavender honey ice cream.

“No chocolate?” Aegis asked as they went back outside.

“This looked good,” Remus said, carefully licking the treat. “Oooh, it is good.”

They sat down and Aegis produced two small spoons. “I got these, if you wanted to… try mine.”

His was so plain that it almost seemed silly, but it was also a very sweet gesture. Remus took the spoon and scooped a little out of a corner Aegis hadn’t licked yet, and Aegis took a small scoop of Remus’s. He made a face when he ate it which made Remus laugh.

“I don’t believe I like lavender honey ice cream,” he said, shaking his head.

Remus giggled. “Your face…!”

Aegis quickly took a bite of his own ice cream to get rid of the taste of Remus’s. “You are more adventurous than I.”

“Says the one who sent me those letters,” Remus couldn’t help but say, and Aegis hid his smile.

“I do not think being anonymous is very adventurous.”

Remus shrugged. “It was very romantic.”

Aegis glanced away at that. “I am so glad that it was.”

They sat at the table under an umbrella, watching the people go by. Some of them they recognized, most of them they didn’t. There was a rather tense moment when Remus spotted the Crouch family with Bartemius Crouch Junior… but Crouch didn’t seem to notice him as he and his tall father went into the paper shop. The last thing he needed was Crouch telling Regulus who might tell Sirius that Remus was sitting at the ice cream parlor with Aegis!

“Perhaps we should get back,” Remus suggested, worried Crouch might see him when they came out. They weren’t done with their ice cream but they finished them on the way back to the Leaky Cauldron.

Once they returned to Caerphilly (and Remus got his lunch pail) they walked slowly back to Otillie’s. He really didn’t want this to end, even though it didn’t really seem much different than what they had been doing together. It was just… the label of ‘date’ that made it feel so different.

“I had a nice time,” Aegis said as they stopped at the corner near the shop.

“Me too,” Remus replied, poking the ground with the toe of his trainers. He didn’t think he could put into words how he felt, nor did he really want to since he doubted Aegis would understand. It all felt like a dream. Completely unreal, because how could this be happening to him?

Aegis reached out and took Remus’s hand, sending warmth shooting through his entire body and obliterating all confusion. “And you do want to do this again?” he asked, sounding a bit unsure as if he expected Remus to say no.

“Yes. Though… I mean… this—this was very nice, but you—you don’t need to buy me lunch next time…”

“As I wanted to say in the Leaky Cauldron…” Aegis stepped closer so he could whisper again. “Since I asked you on a date, I am glad to buy lunch for you. And I am asking you again, so… if you don’t mind it, I wouldn’t mind buying you lunch again.”

Remus wanted to run again, with Aegis being so close to him. But then Aegis let go of Remus’s hand, and out of the corner of his eye he saw a mother and two kids walking across the street. Remus was glad of the excuse to take a step back, to try to catch his breath. “We can talk about it when we… when we have this again. Which… would be…?”

Aegis frowned. “I am afraid Friday is not a good day for me, so I suppose it will have to be Monday unless you can meet me on another day?”

He shook his head. “No. I’m sorry, I can’t, it—it has to be during lunch when I work…”

“There is no need to apologize.” Aegis’s frown quickly turned into a smile. “I’m just very glad you want to do this again. I was worried you’d… er, not enjoy yourself. Or—or enjoy… what this was.”

“I enjoyed it very much,” he said swiftly, looking up to meet his gaze. “Monday, then.”

“I shall see you Monday, Remus. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Aegis.”

Remus felt little wisps of happiness fluttering through his body, settling in his stomach as he strolled back to the shop. There was something building up inside of him… a coil of tension threatening to spring apart… as if he might burst into a million pieces if he didn’t do something! Except there was nothing to do, and even if he could do something he didn’t even know what. Maybe scream? A happy scream? Hopefully a happy scream. A confused scream, for sure. But also happy. Confused and happy. Which was exactly how he felt.

A bit floaty too. He was concerned it was that floaty sort of feeling he got when bad things happened, when he felt like he was floating away from his body… yet… he wasn’t away from his body. It was his body itself that felt floaty. Floaty and warm and buzzy and fluttery and—

“Remus!” Lyall snapped as soon as he went in. “You’re late!”

Remus glanced at the clock. It wasn’t even two yet. “Not that late, and I asked if—“

“I thought you meant five minutes at most,” Lyall grumbled. “We’ve been busy!”

“It’s only ten minutes after I normally would—“

“Just get over here, and get back to work. I had someone bring in a load of items I need to go through, and I have another customer coming in soon needing to look at enchanted mirrors. Come on, then, hurry up, and wipe that sullen look off your face before I give you something to scowl about!”

Chapter Text

Dear Lily 14/8/1974

I went on a date today. My first date ever. But not my only date. He asked me again, and I said yes, and we’re going on another one next week.

I’m going to be blunt. I don’t understand this. I am utterly confused by everything that has happened the past week. It feels like everything has rushed by so fast and I am lagging behind trying to keep up. Trying to grab the ends of the straws on the broom just to make any sort of sense of where I am, or what I’m doing.

I know you’re going to ask me if I’m happy. How I feel in the positive way and yes I am happy… but it’s difficult to feel that happiness, which probably sounds ridiculous. I almost feel as though this was happening to someone besides me. That I’ve inhabited someone else’s body because how could I have gone on a date? With a boy? One thing that has been racing through my mind is the fact James and Peter haven’t even gone on any dates yet, so how could I? This doesn’t feel real. I’m afraid it isn’t real.

Despite the leaps and bounds with accepting myself that I’ve made since JM’s kiss, I still don’t know if I’m in the right place emotionally or mentally to be doing this. I’m scared I’m going too fast even though I also feel like I’m lagging behind. I feel… as though I haven’t had time to think, even though I know I’ve had. Most of the past few days are nothing but an enormous blank to me. How did I get from Point A to Point B to Point C to Point D for Date?! I wish I could stop time. Step outside of everything to breathe and think.

Is this normal? Did you feel this sort of confusion when you went on the date with David Struthers? I wish I could ask Sirius since he’s got the most experience out of all of us, but I know if I even hint about a date the others will demand to know everything and if I don’t tell them they’ll find out and I can’t have them finding out I’m Like That.

Maybe I’m broken. Shouldn’t I just be ecstatic? I felt very floaty after the date. Butterflies in my stomach. Good things! That normal people should feel after a date! Yet. Why am I also so scared? Well. I KNOW why I’m scared, and it’s something I can’t really explain to you. Something inside of me that… makes it difficult to accept this sort of thing. I SHOULDN’T be dating. I know you’ll argue that till you’re blue in the face but I shouldn’t be. This is all a huge mistake, and I am steering me and this boy towards a disaster because of it.

That being said, I am selfish. Because I did agree to a second date and I have every intention of going on that second date. I want to. I want this. God, Lily, I want this so bad. I feel HUMAN

Remus grimaced and quickly pulled out his Ink-Away, wiping the word until there was no trace of it left.

I want this so bad. I feel normal. I want to be normal. I want to give in to my wants and desires and not think of how this is wrong and

Remus stopped again, putting his head in his hands before erasing all of that.

I want this so bad. I feel normal which is something I don’t often feel. A few times during our date I simply felt like… Remus Lupin, regular teenage boy. Not sick, not pathetic, not ugly, not broken, not Loopy.

“Not a werewolf,” he mumbled, chewing at his lip, frustrated he couldn’t pen those feelings into the letter. That’s when it struck him there was someone he could talk to. Someone who knew both secrets. How did he not REALIZE sooner?! He could have—it was—he was so STUPID!

I don’t know, he wrote quickly, finishing the letter, I’m a mess right now and I know it and I hope my rambling isn’t too dumb for you. I hope you’re doing well.

Love,

Remus

He set the letter aside for the next time Bessie brought a letter in from Lily, and then quickly scribbled out another letter.

I know it’s a lot to ask and if you can’t I understand but could you please meet me at Llewellyn’s Broom on Friday at one? If you don’t get this in time then the same place and same time Wednesday the twenty-first?

*

Remus’s sleep that night was fitful, and he barely got any sleep at all. Sometimes his dreams were very nice—almost too nice, waking him up sweaty and hot. Other times they were horrible. Aegis taking his hand and Remus turning into a wolf and shredding him to pieces. Many, many nightmares of him killing Aegis, which was new to him; he had had loads of nightmares about killing the Marauders, and a few about Lily, and maybe one or two during his entire three years of knowing Aegis where Aegis featured as the victim… but these were extremely detailed and made him curl up in his bathtub crying.

It was drizzly in the morning but that didn’t stop him. He took the last of his money after breakfast and walked into Dragon’s Field. All his money he had planned on using to buy a book or two and some sweets in Diagon Alley was gone. But… the letters he had sent off were important. This one was important, and he asked the young witch to please use the fastest owl he could afford. She made a derisive remark about the Blacks, and he said no, it was going to Mythana Fawley,

“A Fawley is better than a Black,” she said, getting a falcon off a perch. “You should avoid the Blacks. They’re dangerous. All of them. Crazy. Should be exterminated.”

“Funny. I was under the impression some of them would say the same thing about anyone less than a Pureblood,” Remus said sharply. “Interesting you have such similar ideas.”

The witch went red then purple, muttering something under her breath before sending the falcon off. Once it was gone she gave him a very cross look. “What’s your name?”

“John Pettigrew,” Remus said then turned and left before she could ask any more questions. Perhaps he shouldn’t be using Pete’s last name so much, though. Oops.

He had no idea of knowing if Fawley got the letter in time, and could only hope that she did. He was a disaster for the rest of the day, with his mood swinging rapidly between happiness and desolation with plenty of bewilderment in between. He got into an argument with his mother, snapping at her when she kept trying to intrude on his personal space and then feeling bad about it afterward; he felt worse in the evening when Hope cried to Lyall who threatened Remus. They yelled back and forth for a while until Lyall slammed the door to the cellar and locked it with magic, not letting Remus have any supper. Joke was on him, he still had his uneaten lunch pail from the day before. The magic on it kept everything nice and cool and fresh, so he devoured everything and then sulked in his bed for the rest of the evening. In the morning, the door was unlocked. Remus meekly took a seat at the table and apologized to both his parents.

Hope joined them in the shop which meant when Remus’s break came upon them, he ended up in another argument with her. She wanted him to stay and eat lunch with her, he insisted he wanted to go for a walk and stretch his legs.

“I’m just worried about you!” Hope shouted after him.

He stopped in the door, fingers curling around the frame tightly. “It’s a walk!” he replied over his shoulder. “There isn’t anything to worry about! I’ll be close!”

“I like spending time with you,” she said, voice tightening with frustration. “You’ll be going back to Hogwarts soon and I won’t get to see you for ages!”

He hunched his shoulders, trying to ignore the building pressure inside of him. The feeling of being stifled and trapped wrapped itself around his arms and legs, squeezing him tightly.

Before he could respond, Lyall said, “Maybe you should stay here for lunch.”

He spun around, exploding. “Can’t I have time to myself? I’m fourteen, not four!” This was going to be especially bad if Miss Fawley wasn’t even there, but he couldn’t think about that at the moment. “I’ll be home all weekend, and after I graduate you’ll have me on your apron strings for the rest of our lives!”

Hope looked taken aback at that, while Lyall stood up. “Remus.”

His eyes closed, a groan tugging from his throat. “I’m sorry. I just want to go for a walk. Please.”

Hope gave a wounded sniffle. “Fine.”

He left the shop, trying not to slam the door behind him. The turbulent emotions were threatening to drag him down and he knew he’d have to deal with them soon enough—however he needed to focus on what he was going to tell Fawley. Needed to focus on the matter at hand, and after that was over he could face what just happened with his parents… and hope that it didn’t mean he couldn’t come into work on Monday…

The pub was a bit busier than usual when Remus went in, and his gaze swept across the room, doubting Miss Fawley would even be there—except there she was, sitting at a table and drinking a beer. Immediately all his negative feelings and anger washed away as he quickly hurried over to greet her. She stood up, hugging him tightly before swigging the last of the beer.

“I take it we need a private conversation and not one in here?” she asked, a hand across his shoulders.

“Yes, very much so. Though I don’t know where we’ll go for that,” he admitted.

Fawley went to the counter and asked the barkeep if there were some empty rooms upstairs where she could talk to Remus. After paying for her drink, the two were led upstairs into a small office where Fawley shut the door and put a muffling spell on it to prevent any possible eavesdropping. They hugged again before taking seats, and Remus simply let loose with everything that happened… starting at the end of the third year, when Jean-Marie kissed him since he never told her that.

The kiss, his confusion, his trying to ignore it until he got home for the summer, facing it, dealing with it (sorta), trying to accept himself better… Aegis… his accidental reveal at the fact he was the Shakespeare admirer… Remus’s anguish over what to say, him deciding to turn Aegis down because it was for the best, not turning him down and instead going on a date, not only doing that but agreeing to a second date!

He was crying by the time he reached the end of the long confession, dribbling tears and snot onto Fawley’s shirt as she held him. She rocked him gently, not saying a single thing while he dumped all his words on her and simply rubbed his back.

Once he was finished he pulled away, yanking the hem of his shirt up to wipe his face off. “It’s so wrong, Miss Fawley, I’m a werewolf, a monster, I can’t go on a-a-a-a-a date! It’s wrong!”

Fawley cupped his cheek, forcing him to look up at her even though she couldn’t see him. “Deep breaths, dear one.” She flicked her wand, conjuring up some water which she forced him to sip. “Calm down. Getting this upset won’t do you any good.” She poured some of the water onto her own sleeve and pressed the damp cloth against his forehead. “Now. Let us discuss a few things. You are… feeling better about your sexuality?”

He hiccuped. “I don’t know. Maybe. I think so. I—I really liked it when he kissed me. And… knowing there… there was another boy like me at Hogwarts—well, more than one, because I know he went on a date. That helps.”

“I am sure there are quiet a few gays at Hogwarts. More than you’d think. It’s easy to think otherwise. But I’m glad that you are starting to accept yourself a bit more. There is nothing wrong with being homosexual.”

Another hiccup; other than that, he remained silent.

“Aegis Silverlocke sent you the letters?”

“Yes…”

Fawley sat back, drying her sleeve off. “How does that make you feel?”

“I—confused. Very confused. I don’t know!” He buried his face in his hands. “I’m a werewolf. I can’t go out with anybody, it would be wrong. If I go with someone… they deserve to know I’m a monster, yet I—I can’t tell him!”

“No,” she agreed. “You can’t. Look. Remus. I am going to be very frank with you, and what I say might upset or hurt you, but I think it is something you need to think about.”

He looked up, feeling sick to his stomach at the many possibilities of what she was about to say flit through his mind. However none of the possibilities came close to what she actually said.

“You are fourteen.” She smiled at him, reaching out to take his hand. “The probability of a relationship you have at this age lasting long is very slim. Now, some might. I know of a couple of couples that started dating around their fourth year and are still together to this day. However, it is rare, dear. And because of that, I don’t think you should be afraid of your curse affecting any possible relationship at this time.”

His jaw dropped, mouth hanging wide. Huh?

“Let us pretend you continue to date him,” she said, pressing on. “Let us pretend you become boyfriends. If in six months or a year, you are still together… then you might want to consider the possibility of things lasting even longer, and consider talking to him about your curse. But you are in a very tumultuous, emotional time of your life, and, I am sorry to say, relationships probably won’t last. You are putting needless pressure on yourself, thinking of the far future.” She folded her hands over his. “I’m not saying to… throw caution to the wind completely. You do need to be aware that you are… well, a were going into a relationship, and the dynamics of that involved. But that shouldn’t be the deciding factor at this time, until you know for sure. And no matter how strongly you feel about him right now, you don’t know for sure.”

Remus’s mind whirled at what she said, hardly able to comprehend it. “But it—isn’t it leading him on?” he squawked out. “What if we do end up—end up—for a long time and then I tell him and he hates me for it?”

“What if that happens?” she asked, shrugging. “It might. It might not. You could test the water, if that helps. Try to figure out his thoughts and opinions on werewolves.”

“Even if he doesn’t think werewolves are monsters, that’s extremely different from bloody well dating one.”

Fawley laughed. “True. But I really don’t think you need to obsess with this right now. You’re very young, and things change every day. You might end up with Aegis for a lifetime. You might go on another date and realize you aren’t compatible. You never know, and you won’t know.”

He looked down at their hands, trying to formulate into words some of what was flinging around in his brain. “I should stay hidden, though. Shouldn’t I? Avoid getting close to people. That’s what you’ve told me before.”

Her expression softened. “It is. That is something else that has changed. Even my sister was older than you are now before she was bit. You… have not had your own life, Remus. And you do deserve to have experiences. Dating. A boyfriend. Kissing. Sex.”

He yanked away, falling out of his seat. “MISS FAWLEY! I’m—I’m—I’m not—not—that—I’m not—“

“I didn’t meant any time soon!” she laughed. “But I have realized, since I met you, how much you have lost, and are losing. And knowing how you are with the Marauders… how happy you are, experiencing friendship and platonic love… you do deserve to experience other things, too. Don’t you?”

Remus climbed back into his chair, pressing his fist up under his chin. Did he? That’s the question he had been poising himself all this time. Didn’t he deserve to be a regular teenager? “So, you don’t see it as lying to him and leading him on? If we keep going out… doesn’t he deserve to know he’s going out with a werewolf?”

“If there was an issue of safety, yes,” she replied. “However, lycanthropy is only transmittable during the full moon, when you won’t be around him. Despite what many people think, you are not a danger to others ninety percent of the time. Personally… I don’t feel there is anything wrong about it. It is a bit of a grey area, yes, but… again, you’re so young. You wanted my advice, and there it is. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Allow yourself a chance to be yourself.”

He looked down at his lap, all attempts at articulation fading away. This wasn’t what he had been expecting; he had expected a lecture, something akin to what his parents would say. Not something the Marauders might say!

“How do you feel right now?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I still feel confused. I mean. I’m grateful for—for the advice. Only, it wasn’t what I thought you’d say and now I’m still lost.” He splayed his fingers out across his legs. “If you were a werewolf, would you date someone who didn’t know what you were?”

Miss Fawley’s lips twisted a little. “That’s a bit more complicated than the situation you’re in. I’ve already experienced thirty-seven years worth of life. I’ve dated, I’ve kissed, I’ve made love, I’ve had my heart broken. So… no. I probably would not do that. But if I were to be presented with suddenly being your age again, and having been bitten as a toddler, and not had the experiences I’ve had… I probably would. Your situation is extremely unique, Remus. It is very hard to say for sure what is right and what is wrong.” She took his hands once more. “All I can say is what I’ve said, and what I want for you which is for you to be able to have as many normal teenager experiences as possible.”

Remus bent forward, putting his forehead against their hands. Fawley let go of his and twisted her hands around, bringing his head in closer so it was against her chest; so she could hold him once again.

*

On Saturday, Remus and Hope went clothes shopping in Caerphilly, and on Sunday Lyall took Remus into Diagon Alley to do his school shopping. When they passed Fortescue’s, Remus glanced at the table he and Aegis sat at and went a bit pink. He was really looking forward to the next day; their next date. He was still a little unsure but decided to just do as Miss Fawley said and take it one step at a time.

In Flourish and Blott’s, Remus spotted a couple of extra books he wanted and could have bought if he hadn’t sent the owls out. That tickled his curiosity, and he asked his father if he was getting paid for his work in the shop. Lyall looked at him then laughed, saying that no, he wasn’t. He wasn’t working much, he wasn’t doing much, and maybe next year when he worked more he could have a proper salary but for now what would be his salary was being kept by Lyall to help pay for things.

“Can I get another book?” he asked.

“No.”

Remus furrowed his brow. “How much salary will I be making next year? How—how much do you make?”

Lyall groaned. “Not much, only enough to get us by. If she leaves the shop to me… then we’ll make more… but for now, it isn’t very much at all. It does good business but not that good of business.”

Remus clutched the books in his arms. They were all old, used copies except for Confronting the Unknown which had been updated the previous year, and he needed the most recent copy. His arms tightened a bit, knowing he shouldn’t press his luck. However… “How much are you getting from me working there?”

“Six sickles a week. You’re getting around five knuts an hour, if you must know, which is extremely reasonable,” he huffed.

A galleon every three weeks, then. He didn’t really have anything to compare it to, so he wasn’t sure how reasonable it really was. Five knuts was a little less expensive than sending an owl off. The Daily Prophet was only one knut, but it was very easy to magic up copies so he doubted it cost much. All right, then. Books. His Confronting the Unknown, a brand new copy, was a little over a galleon. Around… a month’s work for him. That seemed a little low however he was only fourteen. And only working three days a week. One new hardcover schoolbook for twelve days of work as a fourteen year old was probably fair.

He looked down at the books in his arms again, realizing his entire summer’s salary was probably going towards these. Not to mention refilling the potion kit. If his father made double what he did per hour, that was… around… two and a half galleons per week. Which meant if he wasn’t working, it would take a week of work from his father to pay for his school things for this year. Not to mention clothes.

He drooped slightly, feeling guilty about his curse once again even though it was his father’s fault he was like this.

*

Dear Remus, 16/8/74

Not going to the World Cup. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Parents held it out as a treat for me, with no intention of giving it to me. I see that now. It wouldn’t matter what I did, they would have found an excuse to snatch it away. I hope James has a lot of fun there anyway. Maybe sometime the four of us can take a trip together somewhere. World Cup 1978. After graduation. After I’m an adult, so I’d be free. How brilliant would that be? We have so many travel plans now, don’t we? After we graduate we’re going to have years of Maraudering adventures ahead of us!

Maybe we could get a big boat. A yacht. Live on it. Travel around the oceans. What do you think would happen to your full moons out at sea? I mean, I wonder how the wolf will react. I also wonder how he’ll react when we become Animagus and get to join you during the moons. It’s going to be so much better for you. I hope we can get this done quickly. Maybe before the end of our fourth year, how amazing would that be? You won’t be alone anymore.

Only two-ish more weeks until school. Eighteen days until I get to see you again, assuming you come in on the third.

Missing you,

Sirius

There were imprints on the letter, like before. These ones much deeper. Angrier. Remus rubbed over them with a pencil, and then tried not to cry at the furious slashes that Sirius had written and then thrown away, so Remus wouldn’t see how he really felt.

I hate them I fucking hate them theyre liars [incomprehensible] want to scream and never stop it isnt fair I did what they asked I did do everything they asked I danced to their fucking tune and was a good little black heir [incomprehensible] course it was a lie all along and I lost my temper and now everything is worse I cant st[incomprehensible] hate them I HATE THEM all for nothing [incomprehensible] known it was a lie I was stupid should never believed them [incomprehensible] reg is going they fucking bought tickets for him and he is going with our aunt and uncle and narcissa just to hurt me it’s just to hurt me reg doesn’t care about the world cup my parents don’t [incomprehensible] torture me and rub it in my face and I got so angry and yelled at them and fuck the cruciatus curse hurts so bad sometimes feel like its tearing my mind apart sometimes I wish theyd just kill me and get it over with [incomprehensible] a blasting curse on this entire house you know what I saw in the [incomprehensible] come true maybe im evil, im probably just evil fuck this whole letter shows im just like them doesn’t it my temper and hatred and desire to destroy [incomprehensible] to saying that our minds and our blood runs black and fuck if it isn’t true im just locked in this prison forever arent i im just a black after all IM JUST A FUCKING BLACK and I deserve this shit

Remus slid to the floor and hugged his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth as he cried into his arms.

*

“The bookshop?”

It was Monday, and Remus had met up with Aegis at the Blue Haven tree. He wasn’t sure what plans Aegis had, but he had his own brief plans.

“If it is okay,” Remus said, chewing his thumbnail. “I won’t be long. I’m really sorry, if this is—I could go on Wednesday, actually, never mind. This is our time together and I shouldn’t—“

Aegis stepped closer to him. “Remus. It’s fine. I certainly don’t mind browsing in a bookshop for a bit. You don’t need to apologize for that or anything.”

Remus smiled, relieved. “Thank you. Come on.” Without thinking, he took Aegis’s hand and began walking briskly out of the park and down the street. After two corners, he finally noticed he had hold of his hand, and let go; albeit reluctantly.

“Any book in particular?” Aegis asked, sounding a little disappointed.

“Wizarding law,” Remus said, looking both ways before crossing the street.

“Law?” Aegis sounded puzzled. “Considering going into a law career?”

“No. Maybe.” If he could, he would, and then go and arrest the Blacks and all the other horrible, disgusting, nasty Ancient and Noble Purebloods who used their bloodlines as an excuse to torture their children. As it was, he didn’t care how long it took or if he ended up executed: he was going to destroy the Blacks. He felt close to Morrigan Fawley more than ever, and if it wasn’t such a traumatizing memory for Miss Fawley, he’d want to go back to that moment and listen to Morrigan tear Elara Black to pieces. Actually, the night before he did dream he was a wolf and tearing Walburga and Orion Black to pieces. It was the first and only time he woke up after murdering people in his sleep that it didn’t feel like a nightmare; it had been a good dream.

Remus and Aegis went into the local bookshop, which Remus had only been in once before that summer. Before Aegis, on one of his breaks. It was right at the border of the wizarding/Muggle area and was a small, rather dingy shop that didn’t look like much on the outside but was crammed on the inside. It was hard to maneuver down some aisles because of how crowded they were.

They went over to the clerk where Remus inquired where the law books were kept. The clerk got off his spindly chair, adjusting his glasses before going down an aisle. “What sort of law are you looking at?”

“Family,” Remus mumbled. Aegis raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything.

“Current or history?”

“Both.”

He shuffled around, mumbled to himself, waved his wand to drag some books out which resulted in two large stacks. He then shuffled back to the counter to let Remus go from there. He ran his fingers across the titles and found a few that looked promising. He took some parchment out and scribbled the titles down.

“Are you not purchasing them?” Aegis asked as Remus put the books back up.

His ears heated up at the question. “No. I can’t afford it at the moment.” He slipped the last book into place and then hesitated. This probably wasn’t the best thing to bring up on a second date, but… “Aegis. Does… does your father… treat you decently?”

Aegis looked shocked at the question and then averted his gaze. Remus immediately regretted it and tried to backtrack, but Aegis shook his head, holding up a hand. “It is fine to ask. He… does, in a sense. I believe he treats me no different than he does Lucius. Abraxus isn’t very loving, if that is what you are wondering. Why?”

“No reason. Just… realizing a lot of things about some of the pureblood families lately.”

“Like the Blacks?”

Remus’s head whipped around. “I—“

“I was at the World Cup,” Aegis said, to his surprise. “Uncle Minos really enjoys Quidditch, and he also really wanted to… er, stick it to Royston Idlewind. Anyway. Pandora knew Narcissa was going to be there, so we sat together. Regulus… mentioned Sirius was supposed to go as well, but had gotten into trouble. Regulus seemed rather upset by it.”

Remus looked down at the ground. “You’re very perceptive.”

“I assume things, which is probably not a good thing to do. Is this way you wish to look into family law?”

Remus shrugged, not really wanting to answer that fully. “I’m just curious about how some things work. You never know when it could come in handy.”

They left the bookshop and headed back towards Llewellyn’s Broom. Aegis was a bit quiet, and Remus felt as though he had completely messed up their second date. But once they got some sandwiches and went to the park to eat, Aegis started chatting again. Their conversation flowed easier than it had on their first date, and they ended up throwing the crusts at the ducks and the blue-clothes-hating goose, which was safe to do since neither was wearing blue at the moment. Then they went back into the pub and got some fizzy drinks to go, sipping at the straws as they went to Otillie’s, laughing about some of the things that happened at the World Cup. When they reached the shop, Aegis shyly asked Remus if he wanted to do it again, and Remus agreed.

“We could do something on Wednesday, without it being labeled a date,” Aegis suggested quietly.

“That’s fine with me, too,” Remus said, sticking his hands in his pockets. “So. Lunch on Wednesday as, er, a normal thing, and then… a date… on Friday?”

Aegis smiled. “That sounds wonderful. I’ll see you then, Remus.”

“Bye, Aegis.”

Their hands brushed against one another before Aegis strode down the sidewalk. Remus watched him go, feeling all melty inside and not from the heat. Smiling, he went into the shop and back to work.

Chapter Text

Remus and Aegis lay on their backs, on the blanket they had spread across the grass. They were looking up at the clouds and pointing out what they saw in them. Sometimes when they saw different things, they’d argue lightly, then laugh.

It was Friday, so their third official date. Wednesday hadn’t been much different from their dates: eating, talking. But without the label it didn’t feel as awkward. Although today didn’t feel awkward, not to Remus. It felt nice. Relaxing.

“If you could ever get away for longer than half an hour, we could go see the Caerphilly Catapults’ practice,” Aegis said after Remus pointed out a cloud that looked like a broom. “They aren’t the best, although they did win the European cup a couple of decades ago.”

Remus crinkled his nose up. “I don’t know if I could ever get away for that long. Dad doesn’t like me taking long breaks.”

“Plus you are not really a fan of Quidditch, are you?”

Now he laughed. “No. I mean, I enjoy watching the Gryffindor games because of James. But if James wasn’t on the team, I probably wouldn’t go to any of them. They’re noisy and… not my thing, really.”

“I enjoy Quidditch,” Aegis murmured. “Uncle Minos always really enjoyed it. He was on the Ravenclaw team back in his day, so he always has things to say about the current team and how they play. Pandora isn’t overly into Quidditch, so it was something Uncle Minos and I were able to bond over.”

Remus moved his arm slightly, closer to Aegis since he sounded a little sad. His pinky very lightly touched Aegis’s hand. “If I ever am able to get time off, we can go to a practice.”

Aegis turned his head a bit. “You would go for me?”

That made him a little flustered, for some reason. “Why not?”

“No, it’s—thank you. That is very nice. It is a shame the Slytherin-Gryffindor game went the way it did. I cannot say I am upset, as I am glad Slytherin won…”

“Yeah. James was devastated. And that’s one reason I find Quidditch weird. The team with the most points should win, shouldn’t they? No, I know,” he said quickly when Aegis took in a deep breath to say something, “it is a matter of points won throughout the season altogether. And that isn’t the only reason I don’t like it. It just doesn’t… click in me, I guess. Honestly, unless I were looking at that I’m not entirely sure I could tell you what a Quaffle looked like versus a Bludger.”

Aegis burst into laughter. “It amazes me that you are top in our year with a memory like that.”

Remus sat up. “Oi! I have a good memory, I just use it for more important things.”

Aegis sat up as well, smirking a little. “Like the entire life and story of some wizard who died a thousand years ago?” His lips twitched, referencing a long ramble Remus had done on Wednesday. “I quite agree, that is much more important.”

Remus gave a rather dramatic sniff. “It is.”

“No, no, I agree with you,” Aegis said, trying not to giggle. “It is something you are bound to need to know in your daily life as opposed to anything regarding the most popular form of wizarding entertainment.”

Remus couldn’t help but give him a little shove, without thinking; it’s what he would have done to the Marauders. “You ass.” Then he realized he had shoved Aegis, and tried to stutter out an apology.

But Aegis’s eyes glittered and he shoved back, playfully. Soon the two were grappling, shrieking with laughter as they rolled off the blanket and down a slight incline, coming to a stop a few feet from the pond. Aegis was half on top of Remus, one hand on one of his arms, the other hand holding himself up so he wasn’t laying entirely on him. They stared at one another for a moment and Remus felt his body reacting far too awfully while the rest of him panicked, not wanting this, not wanting to be so close to someone like this, being able to smell the pheromones rolling off of Aegis which were strong, and he was suddenly terrified this would end in a kiss—

The loud laughter from toddlers nearby tore them out of whatever it was they were in, reminding them they were very much so in public, and Aegis pushed himself to his feet. “Sorry,” he choked out, face redder than Remus ever thought it could get.

“S’fine.” Remus knew he was bright red too, and was just grateful that Aegis couldn’t smell hormones.

They went back up up the hill to gather their things, since it was almost time for Remus to return to the shop anyway. As they walked back, they made plans for Monday.

“Our last week,” Aegis said.

Remus blinked, realizing that it was. There were only nine days before the first of September. Only eight days until the full moon. He wished he could tell Aegis he wouldn’t be on the train, but of course he couldn’t. He couldn’t help but wonder what Aegis would think, if he wasn’t on the train. Of course, he couldn’t afford to send a letter unless his parents decided to randomly give him money. Maybe he could take some of his old clothes that didn’t fit him anymore to the used clothing shop and sell them…? He wouldn’t get much, but maybe enough to send a letter off.

Suddenly there was a hand gripping his arm, and Aegis yanked him back. Remus was flung into Aegis and the two stumbled a bit, Aegis putting his other arm around him. Remus’s mouth hung open in surprise but he hardly had time to react, as a horn blared behind him.

“Merlin, you were about to walk right in front of that car!” Aegis panted out, letting go of him. “You were not paying any sort of attention whatsoever!”

They were right at the edge of a street, and Remus hadn’t noticed he walked right out in traffic. “Oh. Er.” He swallowed, trying to ignore the looks a few people nearby were giving him. “Thank you. Sorry. Yeah, I guess my mind was elsewhere. Thank you, for… er, not letting me get run over.”

“You are quite welcome for not letting you most likely get killed,” Aegis said, a little irritated. Remus couldn’t help but grin at that. “Why are you grinning like that?”

“Nothing. Really, thank you.”

“Of course.” Aegis gave him a strange look then shrugged. “I suppose we should separate here, since your mother is at the shop, right?”

“Yeah. I’ll… I’ll see you Monday.”

Aegis let their hands touch briefly before he turned to head back to the pub. Remus shivered and crossed the street (looking both ways this time), happily heading back to work.

*

On Saturday, Remus spread out the letters he had gotten from all his friends over the course of the month. Hardly any from Sirius, which was unusual. But there had been nothing for a while at first, then the short one where he had colored in with pencil to see punishment. Then the other one about the World Cup with a lot of pencil to see the first draft. Since then there had been one more letter, a very long, rambling one about Hogwarts, the Marauders, pranks, Animagus plans, Remus, and pretty much everything else under the sun except how he was. There were no imprints on that one, nothing to shade in to find the truth.

James and Peter had sent a few letters, and Sirius was the common topic between the three of them. Peter had no clue how bad it was, and James… Remus didn’t think James knew as much as Remus knew, but he had a better idea than Peter. They were all very worried, secretly writing to one another about what they could possibly do even though they all knew there was nothing they could do unless Sirius cooperated. Which he wouldn’t.

Lily had written to him twice, penning long letters in response to his long letters about his dates. Her more recent one was happiness about how he had continued to go on dates, and asking if they were boyfriends yet or kissed. Remus chewed his fingernail, deciding not to tell her about them rolling down a hill together like they did, or how it made him feel. Or the fact he was scared of getting kissed. He didn’t think he wanted that yet.

No.

Part of him did. He remembered Jean-Marie’s lips on his, and fantasized several times about what Aegis’s lips might feel like… however when he actually was around Aegis and thought about it, panic and twistiness set in. He definitely wasn’t going to make the first move when it came to that, and hoped Aegis wasn’t planning on it anytime soon either. Which was confusing. He wanted to be kissed, yet didn’t at the same time.

Maybe he was just afraid of what it would change?

Maybe I’m afraid of getting too close physically. His teeth bit down too hard, breaking the skin; blood welled up on his tongue and he pulled his finger out, watching the wound quickly heal. For exactly this reason. How would Aegis feel? If he kissed Remus then found out Remus was a werewolf?

He got up and went over to his window, staring out at the grey, dreary sky. Before he could think of anything else, he heart footsteps on the stairs. Swearing, he dove for the letters, gathering them up quickly and shoving them into a desk drawer a split-second before his mother opened the door.

“I brought you some tea,” she said cheerfully, holding up two cups. “I thought we could sit and chat a bit. It’s… it’s felt like things have been a bit…” She trailed off, perching on the edge of his bed while he scooted his desk chair over. “Only a little over a week until you go back to school.”

I can’t wait. He held that response back and instead sipped at the tea.

“I was thinking.” She glanced over her teacup and he braced himself. “Perhaps next week you don’t need to go into the shop at all. You can spend every day here, with me.”

Remus swallowed a large gulp of tea. “I would like that,” he lied, “however—“ he did his best to ignore her falling face, “—I know Ms. Crouch is giving Dad some money for me being there, and I want to help out. Financially. It’s only three more days, but that’s still a little bit of help.”

Hope reached over, stroking his cheek. “You’re such a good boy. My baby. I wish things could be different for us. That life could be easier. For you. For me. For your father.” She stood up and went towards his desk, causing his heart to stop. Before she got there she swerved and went to the window instead, one hand on the small of her back as she held the cup of tea close to her mouth without drinking. “I have been thinking about what you said the other day. About… how once you graduate, we’ll have you here for the rest of my life.”

Remus had said ‘our’ lives, and he didn’t like the implication of his mother changing that bit.

“I remember what it was like being your age. How tiresome it was when my parents would hover.” She sipped at her tea, and let out a faint sigh. “I rebelled against them, you know.”

He raised an eyebrow. Hope? Rebel?

“I’d sneak out all the time, after my curfew.” She turned and smiled at him, and he was scared she might say she knew he had friends, or was rebelling against his parents. “I understand now how hard it was for them, dealing with that. And I know how hard it must be for you, too. Oh. I’m not making much sense, am I?” She returned to his bed, sitting down and placing her cup on his bedside table. “The point I’m trying to make is… I understand your moodiness. I don’t like it, but I understand it. And I really hope that you understand our side of things, too.”

Now she wanted a response, with the way she was looking at him. “I do,” he said, reluctantly. “I love you both. I just wish you’d trust me more. I know what I am, and what would happen if I’m caught.” He took another, last sip of his tea, and when he lowered it, he saw the dregs clumped together in the bottom, forming a picture. “I don’t want to be smothered.”

Hope looked upset at that. “We don’t smother you. Do we?”

He tried not to grimace, knowing to tell the truth would hurt her. No matter what she said, he couldn’t be completely honest with her. “Not… really,” he forced out, and she looked relieved. “Why don’t we go upstairs and listen to the radio for a bit?”

Hope got up, pleased. “That sounds like a good idea.” She kissed his forehead and left, leaving both cups.

Remus peered into her cup, seeing the leaves had settled in the bottom as well, and he dug around in his trunk for his book on tea leaf reading. He flipped through, studying the cups and comparing them to what he might interpret them as. Finally he closed the book, taking the cups and heading upstairs to join his mother.

Remus’s cup had been full of signs about dishonesty, while Hope’s had been full of signs of poor health.

*

Dear Remus,

PLEASE stop worrying about me! It’s starting to get on my nerves. I. AM. FINE. Okay? You’re the one with the moon coming up, I’m the one who should be worried about you. For the millionth time, this is why I didn’t want you lot to find out because it’s turned into constant fussing over me and I hate it. We’ll be together again in a week, and everything will be better then.

Sirius

PS how did you know Regulus went to the World Cup? I never said that?

*

The situation? The Tower.

The Tower: Solid structure on shaky foundation. Chaos. Revelation. Trauma. Disaster. Destruction. Desperation for escape despite the unknown dangers. Clearing out the old to make way for the new.

The future? Knight of Swords.

Knight of Swords: Dedication. Purpose. Focused. Intellectual energy motivating the knight. Storm on the horizon, but nothing will stop the knight. Highly driven. Ambitious. Need for change, for success. Challenges and obstacles in the way to be overcome.

The solution? The Hanged Man

The Hanged Man: Letting go. Breaking out of the cage. Sacrifice. Lack of direction. Trapped in a situation but with the power to release yourself. Unsure of which path to take. Release the old and embrace the new. Taking a step back and looking at the situation to figure out the best course forward, to make a critical decision.

Remus bent forward, face in hands, rubbing his eyes as he took all of this in. One arm swept out, hands grabbing the cards and shoving them back in the deck. It was very clear what the deck was saying. Sirius was trapped in a disastrous situation that he wanted to get out of, and could get out of… if he tried to push through the challenges. Two different cards saying to let go of what was chaining him down and push forward to a new future.

He picked the Hanged Man card back up, toying with it between his fingers. Seeing Sirius suspended instead of the fool, hung by his ankle, dangling out of a tree. The image shifted and the rope was around Sirius’s neck instead, choking him. Killing him. His parents tightening the noose.

He put the card up again, shoving his tarot deck into its box, and then slumping forward again.

*

It was raining heavily on Monday; Remus and Lyall were soaked to the bone by the time they burst into the shop, shaking the droplets off their waterproof cloaks that didn’t help much with the wind. Lyall was in a terrible mood, since apparently there was a lot of things for him to do that day. Remus stayed away from him, remaining quiet and meek so as not to make him angrier. When one approached, he was anxious to ask for his break but before he could Lyall told him to go ahead and go.

Remus wrapped his cloak around him tightly and ran to the pub as fast as he could. It was pretty crowded in there but he spotted Aegis easily, his white-blonde hair practically a beacon. Remus took his cloak off, shaking it off as he went over.

“I was worried you would not show up, because of the rain,” Aegis said, jumping to his feet.

“Not enough rain to keep me away,” Remus joked, sitting down. “How are you doing? How was your weekend?”

“Long,” he said, twisting his glass of water around. “I… I missed you.”

Remus drew in a sharp breath, his heart skipping a beat. “I missed you too,” he replied, and Aegis’s entire face lit up. “Our days together have been the highlights of this holiday.” Plus seeing the Marauders and Sirius, but he wasn’t going to add that.

“You look a little pale.”

“I’m always pale.”

Aegis rolled his eyes. “More than usual.”

Remus thanked the barkeep who brought a glass of water over to him. “I haven’t been getting much sleep lately,” he admitted. “I’ll be okay,” he added when he noticed concern filling Aegis’s eyes. Then he realized… he was going to be ‘sick’ this weekend. Miss out on the train. Might as well start spinning that story now. “Just a little peaky, is all.”

“The cold rain does not help. Pardon.” Aegis went to the counter and soon returned with two warm cups of tea along with some biscuits. “I also ordered some meat pies, if that is all right.”

“It is, thank you. I suppose it’s pointless to say I’ll pay you back…?”

Aegis flashed a smile. “It is, thank you.”

Now Remus rolled his eyes but smiled back, sipping at the tea which definitely helped take the chill out of his body. Soon their food was in front of them and since Aegis had ordered two different pies, they decided to split them in half and have half of one each. Aegis talked about his trip into Diagon Alley which had happened Saturday, and that he had run into James and Peter.

“I was unsure what to tell them,” Aegis said, and Remus stiffened. Surely he didn’t mean…? But no, he didn’t, he only meant seeing Remus. Not… seeing Remus. “Since your father only said recently that at least I am all right to be a friend, and knowing how… rambunctious James and Peter are… I did not tell them I have seen you this summer. I hope that is all right?”

“No, it’s fine,” Remus said, relieved. “I haven’t told them either. I don’t want to risk them coming in. You’re right, they are much wilder than you and I don’t think my dad would be pleased.”

Aegis took a bite of meat, chewing thoughtfully. “Remus. May I ask. Do they know you are…?” He glanced around and then very quickly mouthed the word ‘gay’.

Remus’s stomach became very heavy, and he set his fork down. “No. Lily knows, though. But she’s the only one who does. Does… anyone…?”

“Pandora,” Aegis said, also putting his fork down. “I have not told anyone else. Of course, I do not have many I could tell.” He gave a slight laugh at that. “Themis, I suppose, but I am afraid to tell her. I do not think she would care so much, but… I am a coward.”

“You aren’t a coward.” Remus leaned forward, dropping his voice. “With how most people are, it’s natural to be afraid. I’m really afraid of what—what they might say if they knew. I know Sirius is… really against it.”

“He is?” Aegis looked startled before frowning.

“He said as much.” Remus glanced around then pushed his plate away. “I’ll tell you about it when we go back outside.”

Neither could finish their food and ended up getting their leftovers in little cooling boxes to go. They went back out in the rain which wasn’t quite as much a downpour as it was earlier. The streets were empty, so Remus felt fairly comfortable speaking to Aegis. Of course that meant the two of them walking very close to one another, so they wouldn’t have to shout. He reminded Aegis of what Sirius had said a few weeks back, after Snape accused him and James of sneaking into the Slytherin dorm and dragging him outside in the night. How Sirius said imagining boys touching him was disgusting and creepy. Aegis said he had assumed Sirius only meant it in regards to Snape, and Remus only shrugged, saying he wasn’t going to risk it.

“So Lily knows?” Aegis asked as they hurried across a street.

“Yes, and she knows I have been on a couple of dates, just… not who with,” he added then grabbed Aegis and yanked him back as a car zoomed by, sending a wave of water towards them. They stumbled back away from it, and ended up in a little narrow alleyway.

“Did you say they are nice dates?” Aegis asked, looking down at Remus, eyes sparkling with hope.

Remus smiled. “I did.”

There was a weird feeling in the air, a sort of tension that Remus couldn’t put a finger on. It made his head swim an his breath catch in his throat.

“I really like you, Remus.”

Oh. Lord.

“I—I like you too,” he replied, somehow managing to get the words out, not even sure what he was saying. He knew, deep down, he meant them. Unfortunately, sadly, meant them, because he shouldn’t.

That’s when he realized what the feeling was, what was in the air, a split-second before it happened. Not enough time to prepare for Aegis’s lips against his.

A tingling sensation went through his entire body, and there was a swelling feeling rising from his stomach to his chest. He didn’t know what to do, or how to react. It was almost as shocking as when Jean-Marie kissed him, and just as confusing. All he could really do was… stand there, like an utter idiot, because the panic inside of him was scrabbling around too fast for him to even think about moving his hands, or his lips.

They pulled apart, and Aegis looked just as panicked as Remus felt, as if he hadn’t planned on doing that; perhaps he didn’t. He was breathing hard and going rapidly pink, and, before Remus could think of reacting, he mumbled an apology and took off out into the street, disappearing in the rain.

Remus stood there, unable to move. His feet were stuck fast to the cement below him. The wind snatched his hood, blowing it back, sending ripples of cold rain down the back of his shirt which he barely felt. His mouth moved, as if he were trying to say something, and then slowly the feeling returned to his body. He wriggled his fingers, then jerked his arms, and finally took a plodding step forward. Without seeing anything, he continued putting one foot in front of the other until he went back into the shop. His father said something which he didn’t hear, and he simply walked to the lavatory in the back, shutting and locking the door behind him.

He stared at his reflection. His face was ghostly pale, his hair sticking in clumps to his skull from the rain. His lips, despite feeling hot, were slightly blue as if he were cold. Was he cold? He was soaking wet from cold rain, so he was probably cold he just couldn’t feel it.

First Jean-Marie, he thought, leaning in to look closer at his lips, now Aegis. His breath fogged the mirror up and he wiped it away with a shaky hand, leaving a smear. Jean-Marie’s kiss had been fine. Because he didn’t have feelings for Remus, and because he left.

Aegis’s kiss was different. There were a lot of positive things about it, yet Remus could only think of the negatives: How could I let this happen? He doesn’t know he’s kissed a monster. I shouldn’t have let any of this happen. I shouldn’t have even gone on a date with him.

“Remus?” Lyall pounded at the door.

“I’m fine,” he croaked out, backing up and sitting on the toilet. “I’ll be a minute.”

A minute? He needed an entire lifetime. He should have stepped back, should have pushed Aegis away, shouldn’t have said the dates were nice, shouldn’t have said he liked him too, shouldn’t—

Why not? asked a voice that sounded like Miss Fawley. Why can’t you be kissed? Why can’t you date? It isn’t a lifetime commitment to him. Just see where things go. It’s okay. It isn’t as if you’ll turn him into a werewolf too.

The same thing, over and over, unending. No matter how sure he felt about it one second, his brain flipped the next. Everything was slippery, sliding away from any attempts to grab it. He punched the wall, splintering the wood. How the hell was he supposed to feel? How would he feel if he wasn’t a werewolf? Except he WAS a werewolf, and he couldn’t separate himself from being so, despite what Fawley said. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair! IT WASN’T FAIR!

Remus bent forward, clutching his wet hair tightly, trying not to let out any sort of sobbing noises because he didn’t want his dad to hear. He dug his nails into his scalp and grimaced, gritting his teeth tightly as he tugged hard at his hair, desperate for the pain to erase the confusion inside of him.

His body and heart wanted another kiss.

His head knew it was wrong, so wrong.

He was torn, scattered, and being thrown about on an ocean of uncertainty.

Lyall pounded at the door. “Remus. I’d like to have my lunch sometime today, if you don’t bloody mind. Hurry up!”

Remus smacked the handle to flush the toilet before he washed his hands and stumbled out. Lyall peered at his grey face, but didn’t say anything about it. Remus took his cloak off and sat on the stool, hating himself for being so indecisive.

Knowing this was only going to end up hurting Aegis.

Chapter Text

I am sorry if my actions were uncalled for. I shall be at our usual meeting spot tomorrow, and if you do not show I will understand.

Lyall had brought the note back with him on Tuesday night, following Remus down to his cellar to shove it in his hands and hiss at him to be more careful so Hope wouldn’t get suspicious. Remus wanted to reply that Hope would only get suspicious if Lyall said anything, but kept that thought to himself.

He read and reread the little note. Now that he knew who his Shakespeare admirer was, he could see hints of it in Aegis’s regular handwriting. Different enough that he doubted he’d ever be able to put two and two together without something happening like it did.

On Wednesday morning, Remus carefully chose his outfit and headed into work with Lyall. He felt almost as nervous as he had before their first date, mostly because he was still unsure as to what to do. The best thing would be to not go. End things there and then. It’d be the best for Aegis, even if he’d never know it. Yet there was a very selfish knot in Remus’s chest that was tugging at him to go meet up with him. And that was just what he did, when it came time for his break.

The weather was a bit chilly and dull, but not raining, so Remus headed to the Blue Haven first; his instincts were correct. Aegis was under the shimmering blue leaves, pacing back and forth as he waited. When Remus pushed through the branches he spun around, a thousand different emotions flashing through his eyes.

“You came,” he said, rather hoarsely. “I—I was not sure if you would.”

Remus glanced around, double-checking that they were alone. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Aegis averted his gaze at that. “I’m sorry. For Monday.”

Remus rubbed his elbow, trying to figure out how to respond to that. “For which part?” he finally asked and Aegis frowned. “The running off bit, or the… er, other bit.”

“… both?”

He sounded so small, sad, and pathetic, that it broke Remus’s heart. The past month had been one long confusing moment after another, and it still wasn’t ending even now as August came to a close. He still felt unable to figure anything out, and his head hurt a bit, and he wished for things to be simple. Wished he didn’t hate himself so much for wanting Aegis to kiss him again. Wishing he was a normal human who could do these things without fear. Wishing he didn’t have to keep a horrible secret from him.

“You’re sorry for kissing me?” Remus finally asked.

Aegis jerked his chin up, eyes wide. “I… I am sorry that I have done something to upset you.”

A brief flash of I am upset, this is wrong, it needs to stop, and then Remus knew, deep inside, he wouldn’t stop. He was making one of the biggest mistakes of his life, and he knew it, but God—he wanted this. He didn’t want to say no, he wanted to say yes. He wanted more dates, and hand-holding, and maybe kissing too.

“I’m not upset. At the kiss, or the running off,” he said. “Frankly, that’s a very me sort of thing to do, so I certainly can’t blame you for it. The… running off bit, I mean.”

Aegis searched his face, as if he didn’t believe him. “You are not upset by the kiss?”

Only a small twinge of guilt inside of him. “No.” Aegis’s lips parted slightly, and his eyes went all soft. “Look. I’m not going to lie…” About this. “I don’t know exactly how I feel about… that. Mostly because I don’t know how to feel about any of this. It’s—it’s still so new to me, and it scares me a little.”

Aegis stepped closer to him and carefully took his hand. “It scares me a little too. But I really do like you, Remus.”

Remus twisted his hand so he could link his fingers with Aegis’s, warm buzziness tickling its way across his body. “And I like you too.”

“One more date? Friday?”

Remus hesitated, surprised at those words. “One?” Did Aegis want to end things?

“Yes,” he replied. “Before… Hogwarts.”

Ah yes. School. Hogwarts. For some reason even though he knew it was coming, it didn’t feel real; it was hard to put his summer with Aegis together with the fact they’d be returning to school. And what would happen when they did? When Aegis said ‘one more’ did he only want a summer thing?

“Do… you not want to… do this at Hogwarts?” Remus couldn’t help but ask.

Aegis looked horrified. “No! I mean, yes! I mean…!” He released Remus’s hand and backed up, rubbing his neck. “I would very much so like to continue this at Hogwarts, if you do. I—I had rather hoped we would. I only meant one more date for—before—before that. I… I… I would really like to… pursue whatever this is between us.”

Another faint twinge of guilt as did exactly what he shouldn’t. Steering the broom right into the sun, dooming them both. “Me too.”

Aegis glanced around then very, very quickly bent in so his lips lightly grazed Remus’s cheek. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving.”

They got their food from the pub to go, and returned under the Blue Haven tree just as the drizzling started. There was no one else in the park, and anyone passing by couldn’t see under the branches. They sat on the opposite side of the tree, the one that faced a hill, and sat in the grass, leaning against the trunk, occasionally holding hands since they had some privacy. At one point Aegis made a show of picking up Remus’s hand and tracing his finger across the palm, almost as if studying it.

“Is this when you’re going to tell me you’re starting up Divination?” Remus teased.

Aegis laughed. “I did think about it, but decided not to. I believe I have my hands too full with three electives. I still marvel at how you do it.”

“It’s difficult, but it makes me happy.”

His fingers glided across Remus’s palm, sending pleasant shivers down his spine. “You said before you intend to get all twelve O.W.Ls. Which classes do you think you will continue after?”

The shiver turned into a shudder. “That is ages away. I don’t want to think about it.”

Aegis dropped his hand, surprised. “I’d have expected you to already have all your plans made long ago.”

That caused Remus to burst into laughter, throwing his head back and nearly bumping it against the tree. “I have no clue what I’m going to do with my life. Beyond graduating Hogwarts? It’s a dark fog. Besides work at the shop, I mean.”

“You do not want to work there your whole life,” Aegis stated, rather flatly.

“And what makes you think that?”

He picked Remus’s hand up again. “I read it in your palm.” Now they both laughed a bit at the teasing. “Do you wish to stay at the shop, though?” Remus swallowed, unable to answer. “What about teaching?”

“Can we talk about something else?” he asked, pleadingly.

“Oh. Yes, of course, I am sorry—“

“No, no, I just…” He rubbed his forehead, heart squeezing tightly. “I just don’t know how to prepare for my future. With my illness, I mean. I don’t know how bad it will get. I… really don’t expect to end up in a very good way, to be perfectly honest.”

Aegis’s face fell, and he withdrew a little. “I didn’t realize your illness was that serious.”

“It… can be.” Remus turned towards him, taking his hand. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring the mood down. What are you thinking about after the O.W.Ls?”

They talked for a bit longer, mostly about Aegis being unsure about his future; he enjoyed Runes but didn’t think he’d want a career in them. He admitted he’d like to perhaps help people, but didn’t know how because he didn’t think he wanted to be a healer. Then they both agreed they were glad they didn’t have to worry about this for another a year and a half, until they had to speak to their Heads of Houses about their N.E.W.Ts.

By that point it was time for Remus to return to the shop. Aegis squeezed his hand once more before they left from under the tree, strolling back to the shop, and making plans for their One Last Pre-Hogwarts Date on Friday.

*

Dear Remus,

Merlin, I can’t believe it’s already the end of our summer hols! I am SO excited to get back to school and be with you guys. Our day together was the absolute best (except for you panicking and vomiting in the law enforcement place). Wish we could have more summer days like that. In a couple days though, the train! Man, it is going to SUCK without you! You know what I realized? This will be the first time we go to Hogwarts and not see each other on the train cause we DID meet on the train in our first year, remember? Sirius and I dumped fireworks on someone in the toilet and you saved our hides. Guess that was foretelling the future, eh? HAHA!

Can’t wait to work on our Animagus plans though. Sirius got that book from his place and I did find a book in Bulgaria so it’s gonna be a lot of work to translate things. I don’t know if it’ll be right but it will at least put us on a path!

Anyway. See you in a few days!

Love,

James

Dear Remus,

Summer is finally over and we are going back to school! You know before we became frends I never thought id be happy for school. Espeshully back when I was in muggle school I hated that so much. Summer was a free time and now summer is just time with out you guys. By the way forgot to say benjy been asking about you keeps asking how you recovered and says he swears you got splinched. Thinks there was too much blood for there not to be. I told you just bleed real easy so even a small cut can make a lot of blood, is that ok?

The biggest problim is gonna be getting Captain Squeakers back to school. Ive been training him to sit in my pockit so I might just have him in my robes that way nobody sees that ive got an owl and a mouse. Why cant we have two pets anyway? It isnt like Squeakers takes up much space! Barly any more than you do. Hahaha I know your gonna get me for that one. Couldnt help it tho!

See you when you get back to us!

Love,

Peter

Dearest Remy,

Please be safe and careful during the full moon. I wish you could just come to Hogwarts early, and be there, and we could come visit you the morning after. I shall spend my nights weeping until we are reunited! Four days for the others, and six for you. Unbearable! I am going to write a strongly worded letter to the Daily Prophet saying that we need to do something about these full moons. Whoever decided they should happen needs to be sent to Azkaban.

On a serious note (serious, not Sirius), I do hope you’ll be okay. I know you get anxiety about missing classes, and you’ll be missing the first two days of lessons. I shall take loads of notes for you and will do my best to keep the doodles to a minimum. I can’t promise there won’t be an ode to McGonagall’s bum, though. You know, she would look very cute with a cat tail and cat ears all the time. Can you imagine? Ha-ha! She would murder me if I said that, so I shall be sure to inform her before our first Transfiguration lesson. My apologies for probably dying before you arrive, but I’m sure you’re smart enough to bring me back from the dead.

Missing you desperately

Sirius

*

Remus woke up on Friday with an ache deep in his bones already. He groaned and pulled the pillow over his head, thinking that if it wasn’t for his date, he wouldn’t go into work at all. He’d stay home in bed or take a nice, long, hot bath. Actually, that sounded really nice…

He dragged himself out of bed and stripped down, filling the tub with steaming hot water and sliding in. The relief on his bones was bliss, and he let out a sigh, sinking deeper in the water. He couldn’t stay in the bathtub for too long, but remained in there until he was told to hurry up. Sadly he drained the tub, dried off, got dressed, and trudged upstairs where Hope immediately told him he should stay home. They argued back and forth a bit until Lyall stepped in, saying that Remus would be going if he wanted to go. Then he suggested Hope stay home and rest. Remus thought perhaps Lyall was really trying to do Remus a favor… however when he went to the toilet once more before they left, he could hear his parents arguing.

“I don’t do too much!” Hope snapped. “I don’t do enough.”

“You’re going to be busy all weekend taking care of him,” Lyall snapped back. “You should at least rest today. I’m worried about you, fy annwyl.” My dearest.

“Nid oes angen i chi boeni.” You don’t need to worry.

“Sut na allaf?” How can I not? Then there was the sound of smooching, and Hope gave a gentle sort of moaning sound to which Remus wrinkled his nose, not wanting to hear that. “Gorffwys heddiew. Os gwelwch yn dda.” Rest today. Please. Hope must have nodded, because Lyall said ‘good’ and then there was more smooching sounds before, “Remus, come on, hurry it up!”

Remus didn’t bother asking his father about the conversation he overheard, knowing Lyall would either complain about him eavesdropping or tell him it didn’t mean anything. He kept thinking about the tea leaves in his mother’s cup the other day, and the strange smell he constantly got from her which she insisted was merely the anxiety potion. He stared miserably at his father’s back while Lyall unlocked the shop, wishing his parents would be honest with him.

Then he realized he couldn’t do it, couldn’t pretend.

“Has Mum seen a healer lately?” he blurted out.

Lyall stared at Remus for several seconds before stepping inside the shop to turn the lights on. “What in Merlin’s name are you prattling on about now?”

“She’s really sick, isn’t she? I—I overheard you telling her she needed to rest today.”

“Remus, it is not nice to eavesdrop,” Lyall snapped, and Remus rolled his eyes. “She hasn’t seen anyone this summer but she did see one before you came home from school, does that answer your question?”

If his parents had gone to a healer, that meant something serious. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Nothing. She’s too anxious and is… a little melancholy.” Lyall turned to face him, folding his arms. “We even went to see a Muggle doctor, if you must insist on prying.”

“A Muggle doctor?”

“Yes, he suggested something called…” Lyall pinched the bridge of his nose, thinking. “Valium, I believe it was called? Said your mother’s nerves are shot to hell.”

“She smells sick.”

Lyall’s hand whipped out, slapping Remus across the face hard. Remus, not expecting it, stumbled and fell on his bum. “You won’t let it drop, will you? For Merlin’s sake, your mother is severely DEPRESSED!”

Remus stared up at him, hand on his cheek, lips pressed thin.

“She is anxious, she is depressed, and she has ulcers. That is what your damned wolf nose smells!” Lyall snarled out. “She did NOT want you to know ANY of this! Are you happy now that you’ve exposed your mother’s secrets? Satisfied you pried into something she wanted to be kept to herself?”

No. He wasn’t. Because he knew perfectly well about the first two, since she told him about the first two during the Easter holidays. Although… she had said it lightly, as if it didn’t matter. I have very bad anxiety and depression, she had said, putting more emphasis on ‘anxiety’. Yet… Lyall said ‘severely’ depressed. Was it… worse than he thought? Also, could it be ulcers that he smelled?

“Oh.”

“Oh,” Lyall repeated, mockingly. “Get up, get to work. And keep this to yourself. Your mother wants to imagine us as a perfect little family, and not have you worry about her, so—so don’t tell her I’ve told you that.”

“I won’t.”

Remus thought about this, all through the morning; weighing what his father said versus what his mother had said. Wondering how bad it was. Wondering how much of it was his fault. Wondering if there was anything he could do to help her, to fix things. Eventually he hopped off the stool and went to the wall of books, searching for and finding a medical tome. He took it to the counter and opened it to ‘ulcers’.

Regular stomach ulcers are open sores on the lining of the stomach, he thought, nose wrinkling slightly. His finger trailed down a bit. Easily treated with a variety of potions. The magical type of stomach ulcers are harder to treat with potions and often require a healer opening up the stomach and fixing the sore directly. These are uncommon. Well, he doubted his mother had that due to the fact she wasn’t at all magical. Some stomach ulcers simply require for the stomach acid levels to be lowered. Others require treatment for stress and anxiety.

The book went on to describe how stress and anxiety made ulcers appear, or worsened them; there was even a reference that occasionally a mother whose child is starting Hogwarts for the first time could be at risk for ulcers, due to the stress of being apart from one another. Remus shut the book and tapped his fingers against the cover, many different thoughts tumbling through his mind.

At least he was able to shove it aside come break time. He put the book back, grabbed his lunch pail, and headed off to the park. Excited. Nervous. Tired. Achy. Really achy. And looking worse than he thought he did, judging by the way Aegis’s face fell when he showed up.

“Remus!” Aegis stared at him in horror. “You—you look terrible. Ahh… I did not mean—that isn’t—you look… sick, is what I meant.”

“I know,” Remus said, pushing some of his fringe back.

Aegis’s hand lifted like he wanted to touch Remus, and then he let his arm drop. “If you are unwell, perhaps you should go home?”

“I’m not that unwell. Not yet, at least. I really wanted to see you.”

The corner of his lips tugged into a smile. “You did?”

Remus couldn’t help but smile back. “Yes.”

Aegis rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t want you to push yourself on my behalf.” But he was obviously pleased, and the two of them sat under the Blue Haven tree. The park was pretty crowded, so they didn’t have any sort of privacy like they had before; they kept their conversation on their regular topics and then went to get some ice cream for dessert. The local parlor wasn’t as fancy as Fortescue’s, nor did it have as extensive a menu, so both boys simply got chocolate in a cone and began walking down the street until Remus felt too tired to keep walking. They sat on a bench then, watching the few cars go by and the clouds drift across the sky. It was so hard to believe it was already the end of August. So hard to believe this was their…

“What are you doing?” Aegis asked as Remus flicked his fingers inward.

“Counting. It’s our fifth…” He glanced around quickly then lowered his voice. “Date.”

“It’s been a nice couple of weeks,” Aegis said.

“It has,” he agreed, scuffing his shoe against the sidewalk as he licked at his ice cream and watched a bird hop around across the street.

Aegis lowered his cone, staring at a bit of it dripping down the side. “Remus. I thought perhaps we could… I could… the thing is, I wished to discuss with you the matter of when we return to Hogwarts.”

Remus kept kicking his foot, not taking his eyes off the bird as his chest tightened and everything inside of him shriveled. Ah. It was bound to happen. He was surprised at how sad he felt, when he knew this was how things should be. A voice in his brain urged him to convince Aegis not to end things. His heart begged him to intervene. Yet… he couldn’t. As horrible as it was… this was… ideal.

“I was wondering,” Aegis continued since Remus remained silent, “if perhaps you wouldn’t mind so much if we… err…” He coughed a bit. “If we—the thing is… I was thinking you and I could… maybe… this… I’m not sure how you feel exactly, and—look, you don’t need to answer me right now, please feel free to take as much time as you want, I just wish to say this now. Before Hogwarts, I mean. I’m afraid if we start school, I’d be too much of a coward to say it there so…” He took in a deep, deep breath. “If you want, I really wouldn’t mind if we—if we made things more official.”

Remus paused, mid-lick. That… hadn’t been what he expected, and it didn’t click in his head what Aegis meant. All he could think of was that Aegis had wanted to end things, so his words were bizarre. “What do you mean?” he asked, looking at Aegis finally. “More official than what?”

Two pink spots appeared in his cheeks. “Boyfriends,” he whispered.

Remus nearly dropped his ice cream.

“You do not need to answer me now, as I said,” Aegis said quickly, gaze flickering up to meet Remus’s. “I know it is very sudden, and—and we haven’t… talked much about—about—what we are, and honestly, I am not expecting any sort of answer for a long time, and if you—if you want to say ‘no’ I also fully understand.”

Remus had no preparation for how the word boyfriend would make him feel. A shudder of complete pleasure had gone through his body along with a hard tug at his heart, a twist in the stomach, an engulfing feeling wrapping itself around him…! And… twinges of guilt, once more, and fear, because—because dating casually was bad enough but… boyfriends? But God, he didn’t want to say no.

Boyfriends? He liked Aegis… quite a bit… and enjoyed their dates. In fact, the only thing he didn’t like was that constant throbbing in his head of how much of a monster he was for lying to Aegis. Was this what Miss Fawley said, when she suggested he wait and see where things went? Surely she expected it, though. Surely she hadn’t meant for him to casually date for six to twelve months. She must have known that this would come up.

His parents would want him to say no.

The Marauders would want him to say yes (if Aegis were a girl). Lily would want him to say yes. Apparently Miss Fawley thought it would be fine to say yes. And… he wanted to say yes. To—to be a boyfriend, to have a boyfriend! Everything that had been consuming him for the last bit of June and all of July was now… coming true. A boyfriend! Him!

And besides. Who was he to deny a majority of seven-to-two? Or even six-to-two if you took Lily out of the factor, since she didn’t know he was a werewolf.

“Remus. Your ice cream is melting all over your hand.”

Remus shook himself out of his thoughts and looked down at the chocolate oozing down his hand and dripping onto the ground. Grimacing a bit, he wiped the cone off and shifted it to his other hand, but that only caused more to dribble down. Aegis laughed a bit as Remus made more and more of a mess until finally he chucked the rest of the cone in the rubbish bin and began wiping off his hands.

“I never expected to hear that question posed to me,” he said, carefully wiping each finger.

“I never expected to be posing that question,” Aegis replied, delicately finishing his own cone. There wasn’t a single smear of chocolate on his hands or face. How…? “I know it is sudden. That is why—“

“Yes.”

Aegis’s chin jerked up.

Remus sat there with chocolate all over his hands and his face and a smudge on his shirt, and his hair was damp with sweat and sticking out everywhere, and he knew perfectly well he looked like he was on his deathbed. He could not begin to imagine what Aegis saw in him. Not a raging monster, that was for sure. And if he found out… when he found out… it was going to be a catastrophe. Yet Remus… wanted this, wanted yet another normalcy in his life. Wanted something on the other side of the fence he had thought was forever out of his reach.

Miss Fawley was right.

He deserved a chance to be a regular bloody teenager!

“What?”

“Yes, Aegis,” Remus said, hastily wiping the chocolate off his cheek, wishing he at least looked nicer for this unprecedented moment, that Aegis wouldn’t think back on this and see a messy disaster. Although messy disaster was probably an apt term for how their relationship would probably go, so…

“Really?” Aegis sounded shocked, unable to believe it.

Remus’s smile had gotten so big it almost hurt. “Yes, really.”

A boyfriend. A BOYFRIEND! Aegis was his boyfriend?!

Aegis stammered a bit then closed his mouth, taking in a slow, calming breath. Then suddenly his entire body jerked as he cried out a happy, “YES!” before covering his mouth, going pinker. His hands slid to cover his whole face as Remus laughed. After a few seconds, Aegis got to his feet and grabbed Remus’s wrist, dragging him down the street. Remus stumbled along behind him, not sure where they were going. After a moment he stopped, looked around, got his wand out of his pocket, tapped Remus’s shirt and made it blue, then tapped his arm making a purplish color bloom. Like a bruise.

“What are—“

Aegis dragged Remus to the pub and into the lavatory. As soon as the door shut he let go of him, leaned forward, and kissed him on the lips. Remus’s eyes snapped wide open in shock as heat surged through his veins.

“Sorry,” Aegis breathed out a second later, pulling back. “I… I really wanted to do that.”

Remus made a squeaking sort of sound then cleared his throat. “Er. I—wow.” He wanted to touch his lips, but decided to wait until they were apart to do that. “Why did… you change my shirt color and…?” He lifted his arm.

“I figured it would be better to have an excuse for both of us to enter the bathroom together,” Aegis said awkwardly. “That is the first thing I thought of. Another goose attack.”

“Oh. It’s very clever. Very sneaky,” Remus said. “Marauder-level sneaky.”

Aegis looked pleased. “I don’t know about that.”

Remus considered kissing him, initiating a kiss for the first time, but his legs were a bit shaky and his heart pounding too hard. So all he did was reach down and squeeze Aegis’s hand before they left the bathroom. The barkeep was looking at them curiously, which made Remus glad of Aegis’s trick. He held up his arm to show it was only a bruise, no skin was broken, and then they left. Once they were sufficiently far enough away, Aegis turned Remus’s shirt back to its normal grey color, and got rid of the splotch on his arm.

“Underage magic is illegal,” he reminded Aegis, teasingly; Aegis merely scoffed, since they were in a magical section of Caerphilly and there was no way for the Ministry to know.

Remus’s break was almost over by this point. They went near the shop where they had to say goodbye, and couldn’t even hold hands because of how busy the streets were. They just looked at one another, hoping their expressions would be enough.

“Will you be on the train Sunday?” Aegis asked.

“I hope so,” Remus said with a shrug. “I should be, unless I get much worse.”

“I hope you don’t get worse.”

“Me either.”

He rocked back and forth, feeling awkward now, and Aegis looked a little awkward too. “Well. Hopefully see you Sunday, then,” Aegis finally said, giving him a rather desperate look.

“If not, then… hopefully I’ll recover quickly,” Remus replied, knowing he wouldn’t be able to see Aegis until the third; probably not until the fourth. Not being able to tell him. Hoping Aegis wouldn’t worry too much.

“Goodbye.”

“Bye, Aegis.”

They gave each other one last look before going their separate ways. As he walked back to the shop, each step he took sent a reverberating thrum through his body. Boy. Friend. Boy. Friend.

He had a boyfriend. HE HAD A BOYFRIEND? He was asked to be a boyfriend, someone’s boyfriend, Aegis’s boyfriend, and if he found out—when he found out—God it was going to be like the train flying over a cliff and crashing and burning and it was so bad but so good, and he liked it, he felt overwhelmingly happy, though it was wrong, very wrong, and he knew he was being selfish and inconsiderate and—and—

Boyfriend, Remus thought, hugging himself. I have a boyfriend!

Chapter Text

Dear Remy! 1/9/74

We are on the train and it SUCKS without you! Already off to a BLEGH start. Mostly blegh start. Because well, we ARE getting our Marauder dorm tonight. I am furious though that you can’t inagurate it with us! But we’ll save the proper celebration for when you get here, speaking of which I got more firewhisky! But it will wait till youre here except I know you’re gonna say no cause it will be a school night but if we have it early enough in the evening should be fine by morning right? Wait what time will you be getting here? Maybe we can ask McGonagall if we can go with Hagrid to pick you up! I’ll do that. Unless its during class. Maybe we can skip class (stop scowling). ANNNYWAY so far we’ve put fake snakes in the toilets (they wriggle and hiss), used a permanent sticking spell on the compartment door where Mulciber and Avery are (oops?), and might have nearly gotten into a duel with Snivellus. Also before I forget, Aegis came by asking about you, and when I said we were writing a letter, he said to say hello. He seemed pretty upset about something. Hopefully he’s all right. EVANS-the-cow came by too but I’ll let sirius or peter say hello for her. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. I tried getting her with the bat-bogey hex as she left but she dodged it. Okay well, I’m gonna go eat a jelly slug in your name – James

sirius says he wants to go last so guess its my turn and guess I need to say that Lily says hi because james is an idiot. Dont worry to much about the duel they didnt spell each other just pointed there wands and insulted each other a bit. I took a photo of all of us and will develop it tonight so it can be sent with this letter ill have to sneak off after the feast to the dark room but thats ok. we miss you very much and it feels weird not having you with us on the way to school. Its gonna be weird not having you there for the first classes! Or the first nights! I just want the four of us together all ready is that to much to ask? Missing you! – Peter

My turn finally, on the giant Marauder letter of love to our dearest and most beloved Remus. I really hope the moons go well for you, and you aren’t too torn up after. Part of that is selfish on my behalf, as if you are it means longer until we’re together again. Although I know perfectly well how much of a fit you’ll throw missing classes so it isn’t entirely selfish, I am, obviously, looking out for you! Aren’t I simply the best? Also I agree with Peter. James is indeed an idiot. But an idiot who did get another book on Animagus. In Bulgarian. Maybe we’ll end up turning into Bulgarian animals. What are some animals native to Bulgaria? I know they have that giant dragon sanctuary there but I highly doubt we’ll turn into dragons. Be pretty neat if we did. You know, I do wonder what will happen if one of us ends up with wings. I know mammals are the most common but they aren’t the only ones. And there are mammals with wings. I bet James is going to turn into a bat. Big old ugly bat. He’s as blind as one anyway. Also, before you think I am being an idiot (well I am an idiot but a different kind of idiot) I AM wearing my reading glasses right now, thank you very much! Peter tried getting a photo with them on me but I threatened to shove his camera so far up his ass he’d be taking pictures of his lungs. Oh! Back to the Animagus stuff. One thing I’ve realized is… I am not too good with reading French. I was trying to translate some of it and I don’t think that the written part of French is too much of my forte. I was able to do some but we will definitely need your brilliant brains. – yours, Sirius

I AM NOT AN IDIOT AND I AM NOT BLIND YOU ABSOLUTE PIECE OF GNOME SHIT

are too by the way here’s some gummy cauldrons for you Remy dear am I truly the only one who is thinking to send some food along with this letter? For shame, boys! Obviously I am Remus’s favorite. Right?

ps i got a picture of sirius with his glasses on dont tell him we are sending this letter with cocoa so im scribbling this as i attach it love u

*

The moons were agony. Not because of the times he wasn’t a wolf or the times he was a wolf and tore himself to pieces, but because he was stuck at home when Hogwarts had started. He should have been on the train. On Monday morning as his mother spoon-fed him some porridge, he wondered what class he was missing. Every time he woke up that day was another, Which class? What are they doing? What are they learning? What made it worse was the fact that when he woke up on Tuesday morning, the pain engulfed his entire body. He lay on the stone, gasping desperately for air and feeling something gurgling in his throat, choking him. His vision darkened as he struggled to get oxygen in… and then everything went black for a while until he came to again, this time rolled on his side and his mother clutching him. His body heaved and blood poured from his mouth.

“Mum?” he asked, weakly.

“Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay now,” she murmured, stroking his blood-soaked hair. “Come on, my little one, let’s get you in your room.”

She helped him to his feet and together they managed to get him into his room, into the bathtub. As he lay there, he saw his mother had his blood all over her. He touched her cheek as she started the water and began carefully wiping his limbs down. The cloth was soft, but still hurt as it rubbed across some of his wounds and he cried out in pain. Hope whimpered, going slower and apologizing. Soon the pain took over and he passed out again, this time coming to in his bed. Other than the bandages on him, he was naked, and was able to sort’ve assess the damage on his body. Or would have, if he could sit up; which he couldn’t.

There was a horrible pain in his chest and abdomen, making moving unbearable. So instead he let his hands drift across, feeling the bandages there, wondering what was underneath. There was also bandages on his face. When he explored the inside of his mouth with his tongue, he flinched; there was a wound healing that felt like it had been a hole. He had literally ripped a hole in his cheek.

He slept on and off throughout the day, hardly able to stay awake longer than a few minutes. Hope woke him up a few times to change his bandages and also try to get some food in him. She was crying every time she did, her tears dripping down onto his blanket. Finally at one point he woke up and was able to stay awake for a while, more alert and energetic (well, a little) than he was earlier. He did get himself into a sitting position and tugged open the bandages to see deep gouges healing on his chest, and even deeper ones on his abdomen. How far into his body had his claws gone? They must have punctured deep, judging by how it felt to breathe. There was also a big bite on his thigh, the flesh slowly mending itself back together.

He slumped back, eyes fluttering shut but not falling back asleep quite yet. With how banged up his body was, he had a feeling about school, and called out for his mother until she hurried down the stairs, a bowl of soup with her.

“Mum.” He opened his eyes again as she sat down next to him. “It’s bad, isn’t it?”

“I’ve seen worse,” she said gently, spooning some soup up. “Here. Sip carefully. You need your strength.”

He slurped at the broth. “What time is it?”

Hope looked down, spooning some more to his mouth. “Four.”

He was supposed to go back to Hogwarts at around eight, after Lyall got home and the Lupins had supper. Four hours… “What about tonight?” he croaked out, ignoring the spoon at his lips.

“You can’t go tonight,” she said, frowning a bit. “I’ve already sent a response back to the school about the state you’re in. You’ll be going in tomorrow afternoon. Eat.”

Remus stared emptily at her then turned his head away. “Why can’t I go tonight?”

“Darling, you are in absolutely no condition to Floo anywhere,” she lectured. “You can’t even walk at the moment, let alone… spin about in a fireplace! Now, that nurse at your school had sent a letter about this. She said if you were unable to Floo today, someone will be meeting you around noon tomorrow. I’ll be driving you into Dragon’s Field. Please eat. You need to eat.” He managed to get down about half the bowl before he felt too sick to continue, and Hope tucked him back in, kissing his forehead. “Get some more sleep. I’ll come down again in an hour or two to check on you.”

No, no, NO! He started to roll over then yelped as there was pressure against his chest wounds and he had to lay on his back again. Since he couldn’t bury his face in the pillow, he took the pillow out from behind his head and put it in front of his face instead. Delaying his return to school by sixteen hours was SO UNFAIR! But when was life ever fair to him?

When Aegis changed everything, he thought, and smiled, despite himself. He pushed his pillow back a bit, holding it above him, staring at its smooth surface. He knew perfectly well others practiced kissing with their pillows; there was a big joke that went around for a while about transfiguring lips onto a pillow was the most popular spell. He had never thought much of it, since he never planned on kissing anyone… and the two times Aegis had kissed him he had just sort’ve stood there like an absolute buffoon. He wasn’t a good kisser. Maybe he needed practice?

He slowly drew the pillow closer to his face, wondering—

And then his arm movements from holding something in the air for so long caused pain to flicker through his chest. He gasped, dropping the pillow and jerking his body up, hand flying to one of the painful spots. Okay, kissing practice another time, he thought, pushing the pillow back under his head and laying back down.

*

Lyall was glad that Remus couldn’t return on Tuesday night, stating that putting an extra night between the full moon and his return was a good idea. Remus didn’t really respond to that, and was glad he was still stuck in bed so he wouldn’t have to deal with supper with his father. That night he slept fitfully, having the same nightmares he had had at the beginning of summer: his friends leaving him. He woke up several times during the night, and finally, just after dawn, was too awake to go back to sleep.

He took a shower, carefully cleaning all the healing wounds on his body which were mostly pink scars. The ones in his chest were still painful, but they’d be fine by noon and if not, he could deal with the pain Flooing into Hogsmeade. Once he was clean, he happily put on one of his uniforms. It felt so good to be in Gryffindor colors again! He fixed his tie multiple times, unable to get it straight and finally gave up. Once that was done, he made sure every single thing was packed in his trunk. He had packed stuff up right before the moon, but needed to double check. Opening drawers, looking under the bed, etc., etc. Satisfied, Remus packed the last thing needed: Gwyllgi. Then he dragged his trunk up the stairs, shutting the cellar door.

Won’t be seeing down there for a while, he thought cheerfully as he shoved his trunk towards the living room. And if I can have it my way, won’t even be back for the Christmas holidays.

“Remus,” Hope remarked, emerging from the bedroom. “Your father could have levitated that up! You need more rest, anyway. You shouldn’t be dragging heavy trunks around.”

“I’m fine,” Remus lied, since his chest was hurting something fierce. It felt like it was bleeding again and when he checked in the bathroom, he saw one of the wounds had been opened again. Swearing, he put a bandage on it and then got a cleaning potion to get as much blood off his shirt as he could. There was still a bit of a stain, but with his sleeveless jumper on it wouldn’t be seen.

Lyall told him goodbye before he left to work, and then Remus spent the rest of the morning bored out of his mind. Why did he have to wait until noon? Why couldn’t he go now? When he asked that, Hope reminded him it was the school’s plan to meet at noon, not theirs. Remus sighed, trying to settle down with a book.

Soon I’ll be with my friends again, he thought, foot jiggling. And my boyfriend. Warmth spread through him, and he smiled to himself. It was strange, thinking of Aegis being in the same universe as the Marauders now. It felt like two wholly different existences, that being together in school was going to be weird. He just hoped he could get through any class they shared together. He also hoped nobody would figure out what was going on just by looking at them. That was one of his fears, that he’d be transparent enough that the Marauders would be able to see right through his facade… All he could really do was pray they wouldn’t ever even consider the fact he liked boys, so it would never enter their minds.

A little bit before noon, he and his mother got his trunk in the car and headed into Dragon’s Field. He tried not to wiggle too much, tried not to show too much excitement but he knew he wasn’t hiding it well. Hope pulled up in front of the pub and helped him get the trunk out, sniffling quite a bit as she did.

“Be good,” she whispered, pulling him in to kiss his forehead. “Be careful. Please write as much as you can. And visit sometime, too. Please.” Another kiss. “I love you, baby.”

“I love you too, Mum.” He hugged and kissed her before dragging his trunk over to the fireplace. After thinking for a second, he slipped the sleeve of his robe down far enough to tie around the handle of the trunk. Just in case. Then, before Hope could say anything else, he was spinning through a vortex of fireplaces and spat out onto the floor of the Hogsmeade Floo station.

“There yeh are!”

Enormous hands pulled him to his feet and brushed him off. Remus looked up, smiling. “Hi Hagrid. It’s good to see you again.”

“Good ta see yeh too, Lupin! Yer lookin’ pretty peaky there,” Hagrid said, helping untie his sleeve from the trunk and then hefted it up over one shoulder without any difficulty. “Glad ta see yer doin’ better. I know yer friends bin worryin’ ‘bout you. Come along, then.” They went outside where Hagrid put the trunk in an open carriage then picked Remus up, hefting him onto the seat. “I brought some sandwiches, in case we don’t get back afore lunch is over. Course, yeh’ll probably be goin’ up ta yer dorm and not yer lessons.”

Remus made a face at that. “I wouldn’t mind going to my lessons.”

Hagrid laughed uproariously as the thestrals started pulling the carriage towards the Forbidden Forest. “Just like yeh.”

The trip to Hogwarts took a while but finally—FINALLY—they pulled up in front of the castle. Remus grinned from ear-to-ear. I’m home!

“The house-elves’ll take yer trunk to your dorm for yeh, and one o’ the Gryffindor Prefects’ll be takin’ yeh up,” Hagrid said, hopping out of the carriage.

“Thank you, Hagrid! I’ll see you la—oh!” He saw who was waiting on the front steps and somehow his smile got bigger. “Longbottom!”

Frank Longbottom—a shiny new Prefects’ badge pinned to his robes—was grinning back. “Heya, Lupin!”

Remus bounded over to the fifth year. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you! It’s good to see you.” Longbottom pat his back. “We were all really worried about you. Quin said if you ended up at Saint Mungo’s, we were going to sneak off to see you.”

“I highly doubt Weasley said that,” Remus joked, pulling his satchel up over his shoulder. “Not enough swear words.”

Longbottom laughed at that, opening the doors for him. “Fair enough. How are you feeling, though?”

“Better. Still really tired…” He glanced up the stairs towards the entrance to the Great Hall, where the noise of hundreds of students was buzzing.

Longbottom followed his gaze. “You’re supposed to go to your dorm,” he said and Remus sighed. “Buuut. You know the way. The password is ‘Bufo Bufo’.” Longbottom winked at him. “Go to your friends, I know they’ve been missing you.”

“Thank you!” Remus started to run but then realized he probably needed to pretend to be a bit weak still, so he slowed his pace, took a few breaths as if that little bit wore him out, then went up to the Great Hall. He pushed open the door and peeked in, scanning the Gryffindor table.

James, Sirius, and Peter were grouped up together, James in the middle of telling some story that involved quite a bit of hand movement. Peter was listening closely, nodding, while Sirius was busy building some sort of structure out of chips. Several seats away, Lily was sitting with her two best friends, Alice Colgate and Cassie Inkwood. Then his gaze moved to the Slytherin table until he zeroed in on his boyfriend. Aegis was sitting with his friend, Themis Alexander; she was talking, he was poking at his food, looking unhappy. Remus wished he could go right over to him but that would definitely make the Marauders suspicious.

He opened the doors and went in, wondering how long it would take until one of—

“REMUS!”

It was Peter’s voice that rang across the hall and then all three of them were scrambling out of their seats, tripping over one another to rush over. Remus braced himself just before three bodies tackled him, sending all four of them to the ground. He was in a pile of arms and legs and voices and—for a second—lips on his cheek from James. Someone shouted at them to stop being so obnoxious. The Marauders ignored that person, getting up, all of them holding on to Remus as their voices overlapped. Beyond them, Lily was standing up, and at the Slytherin table Aegis was staring with huge eyes. Before Remus could say or do anything, he was being dragged out of the Great Hall.

“We were SO worried when you didn’t show up last night!” Peter said, tugging at Remus’s arm.

“We figured you had a really bad you-know-what,” Sirius said, arm draped across his shoulders.

“But we weren’t sure when you’d be back,” James said, holding Remus’s other hand.

“Whoa-whoa wait, where are we going?” Remus asked as he was taken to the Grand Stairwell.

“The dorms,” James said.

“But you have class in less than twenty minutes,” Remus said.

They all snickered and Sirius said, “Nope. Wednesday after lunch is a free period. Er, are you going to the other classes today?”

Remus scowled. “I was told I wasn’t allowed. What classes are today? What is the schedule?”

“You’ve been here two seconds and you want the schedule,” Peter laughed as he dug around in his bag. “Here. James lost his, and Sirius’s is covered in doodles.”

Remus scanned the sheet as they traveled along some of the moving staircases. His next lesson would be Herbology followed by Transfiguration. The morning was packed full with Defense, Charms, and Astronomy. Which reminded him… “What’s the new Defense teacher like?”

All three spoke at the same time.

“Tough,” James said.

“Scary,” Pete whined.

“Intimidating,” Sirius said, and then added, “But a terrific beard. I mean, his beard is rivaling Hagrid’s with bushiness.” He put his hands in front of his face. “Fwoof!”

“Tough?” Remus asked James.

“Ugh, we already have so much homework!” he moaned.

“And… scary?” he asked Peter.

“Very scary,” Peter said, ducking his head. “He sounds like he’d rather just… kill us all instead of teaching us.”

“Intimidating?” he questioned Sirius.

Sirius put his hand above his head. “He’s got at least six inches on me, if not more, and I don’t know the last time I’ve seen that many muscles on someone.”

“I’d say seven inches,” James said.

“I’d say eight,” Peter put in.

Remus glanced backwards, wishing he had looked up at the teachers’ table when he had gone into the Great Hall. Then he looked down at the sheet. “Professor… Button. Button?”

“Do not make fun of his name,” James said, grabbing Remus’s shoulder. “A fifth year made fun of it and rumor has it, he threw the kid out the window. From the third floor.”

Remus handed the sheet back to Peter, trying not to roll his eyes. This was getting ridiculous. “I’m sure he didn’t.”

“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Sirius said in Remus’s ear.

“I think he’s secretly a serial killer,” Peter said, and James and Sirius nodded in agreement.

“I wouldn’t put that past him either,” Sirius muttered.

Remus stopped in his tracks, holding his hands up. “All right, stop a moment. This is all very silly. Either you’re purposely pulling my leg, or you’re all completely out of your minds. First of all, Dumbledore would be very careful on whomever he hires for the position. I seriously doubt—Sirius, shut up—he would have hired a serial killer or someone who throws students out a third story window. Second of all…” He trailed off, face scrunching a bit. “Er, well, I don’t really have a second of all, that was—that was everything.”

James shook his head. “I don’t know, Remy, our luck had to run out sometime. We had two great teachers in a row. Time for a reign of terror.”

Remus snorted, and decided to change the subject, instead asking how things had been going. They told him about the prank they pulled on the opening feast, managing to sneak some potion into some of the foods so half the Great Hall started floating a bit. James and Sirius already had detention for that. Soon they were at the Gryffindor tower and going in, up the boys’ stairs. There was a sign already affixed to their new door.

MARAUDERS ONLY, EVERYONE ELSE GO AWAY!

There were also signatures painted on the wood. James, in red. Sirius, in black. Peter, in bright yellow. Remus snickered at that and then stepped inside where he saw an enormous banner hanging across the room that said Welcome Back Remy!

“Thanks guys,” he laughed.

Sirius wrapped an arm tight around him. “We really missed you.”

Remus looked around, taking in the new dorm. It was a bit smaller than their old one, but looked bigger due to not having as much stuff in it. Now there were only four beds. Peter’s right directly to the right of the door, then James, Sirius, and finally Remus directly to the left. The furniture arrangement had changed a bit too. Now Remus’s bedside table was to the left of his bed and his desk to the right. Next to his desk was the wardrobe he still shared with Sirius, and then Sirius’s desk, and Sirius’s bed. The linen closet had moved closer to the door, near Remus’s bed, and the table with the pitcher of water was near Pete’s bed. The heater in the middle of the room remained, however there was now a giant… poofy thing there as well.

“My idea!” James said and dove onto the poofy thing. “Come on, it’s super comfy! Now when we want to sleep together, we won’t need to drag mattresses off the beds!”

Remus kicked his shoes off and got on the poofy thing which felt like a cloud. It was big enough that more than four teenagers could sleep on it, and oh so comfortable. “I might sleep here every night,” he moaned, stretching out and closing his eyes. Then he bounced slightly as Sirius dove onto the poofy thing, and Peter climbed on. “What is this, by the way?”

“A bunch of blankets, pillows, and sheets transfigured together, engorgioed, and enchanted with the spongify spell,” James explained, rolling back and forth. “Aren’t I brilliant?”

“I am SO happy we have a dorm to ourselves!” Peter squealed, kicking his legs gleefully like a little kid. “Ahhh, Remus, it’s been so nice! And Spinnet’s been leaving us alone, too!”

Remus settled back on the cloud, closing his eyes. He was a lot more tired than he had expected, and his chest still hurt a little bit. “Good.” He reached up, rubbing the scars on his chest that were still healing; itching, slightly. “All right, maybe it’s a good thing I’m not allowed to go to class.”

“You okay?” Sirius asked, leaning over towards him.

Remus’s eyes opened. “Hmm? Yes. Yeah, just still tired. Healing really takes it out of me, and sometimes I forget that.”

“Have you had lunch?”

“Yes, Hagrid brought sandwiches.”

He closed his eyes again, feeling comfortable and safe surrounded by his friends. He listened to them chattering away, occasionally laughing and adding in a comment or two. It was so nice to have time to relax and be with them before they had to go back to class, but eventually they did. All of them hugged him tightly before leaving, Sirius lingering a bit. After they left, he sat up and stared at the door, wishing he knew which classes Aegis had today. That way he’d be able to find him quickly. Without knowing… he’d just be wandering around a lot, and had a probability Aegis wasn’t even in a lesson somewhere.

He flopped back, putting his hands over his eyes, already feeling worn down about the whole existing-at-Hogwarts-with-a-boyfriend-while-friends-with-the-Marauders. They were so nosy, always pushing boundaries, and how was he supposed to get away with this? It’s fine, he told himself, breathing deeply. It’s going to be fine. He and Aegis were friends anyway, that would help. There wouldn’t be anything suspicious about him spending time with his friend. Maybe he and Aegis could even set up a ‘regular study session’, which was how they met in the first place (well, met beyond having the same classes together which didn’t count since they didn’t interact until after the study group). That would make enough sense that the others probably wouldn’t bother them.

Hopefully.

After a while he got up and began doing the things that needed doing. Unpacking, trying to shove his shabby clothes into what little space remained in the wardrobe taken over by Sirius’s clothes, going over his schedule (a copy had been sitting on his desk) and organizing all his schoolbooks by day, making sure he had all his homework ready for the next day; Care of Magical Creatures, Potions, Runes, Transfiguration, History. He put the book he was currently reading on his bedside table and then began sticking things up on the walls. Photos of him and his friends. A poster of a sexy witch singer Lily had given him to help keep up his ‘not gay’ appearance. A small map of Middle-Earth. He put parchment, ink, quills, notebooks, and all those sorts of things in his desk drawers except for some sitting out on his desk. He attached his dragon lamp to his headboard. A gift from Sirius the previous year that had been hidden all summer. Then last, but not least, he tucked Gwyllgi under his pillow.

All of the work wore him down and he flopped onto his bed, quickly drifting into sleep and then jerking awake as someone knocked at the door. Rubbing his eyes, he went over to see one of the Prefects who informed him that Professor Button requested to see him at four in his office. Then the Prefect said ‘good luck’ in a rather anxious tone before leaving.

Oookay. Remus shut the door, suddenly wondering if the gossip from his friends maybe hadn’t been as exaggerated as he initially thought, if a Prefect had acted that way. It was after three already, Suddenly he was very nervous and very scared, trying not to let the Marauders’ words get to him. It can’t be that bad. It can’t! Dumbledore wouldn’t hire someone that would throw a student out a window! He might be scary, but he’s not a monster. That made him laugh. Like me. Still, with everything that had been said… how did Button feel about werewolves…?

Remus left the Gryffindor tower and began slowly making his way to the Defense Against the Dark Arts section of the school. Class was still in session (which also made him wonder about whatever class Button was supposed to be teaching at four), so Remus sat across from the office door, clutching his satchel, and trying to keep calm. The door to the classroom opened and sixth years streamed out, most of them a bit ashen-faced. That… didn’t help Remus’s stomach one bit. He stood up, hesitating, then the door to the classroom swung back shut. Should he go in? Go to the office? He looked at the door for a moment then approached it, raising his fist to knock.

The door swung open and a voice told him to come in.

Remus breathed in… slowly breathed out… told himself again the stories had to be exaggerated… and then went in.

The office was a bit dim, and quite a bit less decorated than when Charlemagne or Prewett had been teaching. Actually, it seemed a bit bare; either Button wasn’t one for things or else he hadn’t unpacked yet. Remus hovered near the door, wincing when the door slammed shut behind him.

“You wanted to see me, sir?” he forced out, finally looking at the desk and feeling as though he might collapse.

Okay his friends hadn’t been exaggerating.

Professor Button might not have been Hagrid-huge, but he was very, very large. Very tall, very muscular. His clothes and robes looked like they could hardly restrain the man within. He was black, his skin deep and rich. He did have a large, bushy, wiry beard although no hair whatsoever on top of his head. His eyes were dark and glittering, and his mouth twisted into a sneer. He was sitting back in his chair, his boots propped up on his desk, fury rolling off his body, stronger scent than anything else in the room.

“Remus Lupin,” he said, his voice deep and rumbling. He swung his feet off the desk and sat up. “The werewolf.”

He said ‘werewolf’ with disdain, and Remus’s breath stopped in his throat. “Yes, sir,” he forced out.

Button eyed him, slowly lifting his eyebrows. “I’ve killed werewolves before.”

When those words were let loose into the room, Remus thought he might piss himself. His legs began shaking and he clutched tighter at his satchel, wondering what the hell Dumbledore had done. “I see,” he choked out.

“When Dumbledore told me about your… circumstance… I could hardly believe it.” He stood up, towering tall, and Remus shrank back a little. “Who’d let a beast come to school? With other children?” He folded his arms and lowered his chin so he could look down his nose at Remus. “I’m supposed to teach kids how to defend themselves against the likes of you. Not teach one.” His teeth flashes behind his beard. “Oh. You going to cry? Don’t give me those fucking crocodile tears. Your sort can’t feel emotion.”

Remus did feel like crying. His nose itched and his eyes were beginning to water, although no tears fell. His eyes darted briefly to the door as he considered just bolting, but he had the suspicion there was a locking spell on it. He was trapped in this room with a—a—

Button put his hands on the desk and leaned forward. “You are nothing but a little beast that deserves to be put down.”

Werewolf hunter.

Had Dumbledore. Hired. A werewolf hunter?

Chapter Text

A werewolf hunter?

Surely not.

No, Dumbledore wouldn’t.

But… he could have easily hired someone who secretly harbored hate towards werewolves, who didn’t reveal his true feelings during an interview.

Remus’s teeth chattered slightly as he shakily drew himself to his full height, which was laughable compared to the wall in front of him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to simply run off so he had to do something else.

“You’ve made your point q-quite clear, Professor,” he got out, gulping slightly and trying his best to draw on his Gryffindorness. Trying to invoke James. “However Dumbledore has allowed me to—to come to Hogwarts despite my—my curse. And in becoming a teacher for the school, surely you’ve agreed to sub—submit to his authority.” The idea of this man submitting to anything was beyond ridiculous. “Which includes teaching me. And as a t-teacher, you’re supposed to treat all your students fairly regardless of your per-personal feelings.” His fingers curled, nails catching in the wool of his jumper. “If you can’t do that, then becoming a teacher was a poor choice, and I highly doubt you’ll be allowed to stay. If you are, I—I will do my best to-to-to keep out of your way. But for your information I am not a beast. G-good day.”

He turned to the door, pulling his wand out to unlock it. Before he took three steps he heard the most confusing sound he ever thought he’d hear in this situation.

Clapping.

He paused then slowly turned, seeing Button smiling now, hands smacking together as he… applauded?

“Very good, Remus. Six out of ten. I’d give you ten points, but never fucking turn your back on someone who said they were going to kill you. Merlin.” He sat back down, pulling a wand out and giving it a flick, conjuring up a… teapot. “Tea?” The teapot lifted, pouring out into two cups. “Oh, don’t worry, it isn’t poison. Not that poison would work on you, unless it was laced with silver, and even then it’d have to be special poison. Have a seat, then.”

Remus remained where he was, unable to process this.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why Dumbledore hired me.” He pushed the teacup over, closer towards the other side of his desk. “I’m not a werewolf hunter, Remus, as I’m sure you think. I am a werewolf sympathizer.”

Remus’s mouth hung open in shock.

“I’ve never killed a werewolf,” he said, picking up his own teacup. “I suppose you could say I hunt werewolves down. Just not to kill them. I help them. I help keep them hidden or help them relocate. Teach them how to blend in with society. If the Ministry knew just how much I did, I’d be in Azkaban before you could say ‘fuck the Ministry’. You should sit down, you know, you look as though you might fall over.”

Remus slowly went over and sat down before he could, in fact, fall over.

Button decided to keep talking. “I’m the number one werewolf researcher in the world, by the way. Not that you’d have heard of me, everyone says I’m too softhearted and all of my findings are usually dismissed.” He sipped his tea carefully. “Dumbledore’s been at me for this job since you started. I’ve been too busy to take the time out to come here and—oh, good, she’s here.”

There was a knock at the door and Button flicked his wand so it sprang open. Remus stared, wide-eyed, as Miss Fawley came in. “Hello Ant,” she said pleasantly.

Ant.

Her friend, Ant.

The one who knew all about werewolves.

Her friend.

Miss. Fawley’s. Friend.

“When is Remus supposed to…” She faltered slightly, tilting her head. “He’s in here isn’t he.”

Button lifted his eyebrows at Remus. “Yup.”

“DID YOU TELL HIM YOU WERE A WEREWOLF HUNTER?!” Miss Fawley screamed without warning, causing Remus to jump about ten feet in the air.

Button calmly slurped his tea. “Might have insinuated it, yes.”

“FOR MERLIN’S SAKE I TOLD YOU NOT TO—“ She stopped, pinching the bridge of her nose and inhaling sharply. “Merlin, I am going to murder you. Remus. Dear. Where are you?”

“H-here.”

She followed his voice and sank down to her knees, putting her arms tightly around him. “I am so sorry, my dear, I told him not to do that, I told him! Are you okay?” She cupped his face. “I can’t imagine how afraid you must have been—“

“I had to know what I was dealing with!” Button argued, sounding more like a sulky teenager than anything else.

“He is fourteen!” Fawley snapped, holding Remus protectively.

“And half the world wants him dead!” Button snapped right back.

“That doesn’t give you the right to try to join their ranks by killing him with a heart attack! This poor child has been through more than you could ever understand, and if I had known—“ She let out a frustrated grunt. “I should have known when you said fifteen after, should have known you’d pull this sort of stunt. I swear to Merlin, Ant, I’m going to hex permanent donkey ears on you too if you keep this up!”

Button actually looked a bit afraid, and slightly meek. “I’m sorry, Ana. Maybe I went a little overboard—“

“A LITTLE OVERBOARD?” The loudness caused Remus to flinch since it was right in his ear. “Your idea of a little overboard is sailing the boat into the middle of the ocean and blowing it to pieces!”

“Look, he did—he did very well,” Button said, trying to smooth the waters under the exploded boat. “He didn’t go nuts, didn’t try to attack me, didn’t lash out, didn’t panic, didn’t run away. He kept his cool. Chided me. Reminded me that I was under someone else’s authority and had no right to essentially hurt him. The only thing he did wrong was turn his back to me. I had to test him. Had to know.”

“I will inform you later of what you should know,” she snarled.

Button stretched back, putting his hands behind his head. “Fourteen is old enough to hear the kind of words I know you intend to say to me.”

“I will not use that sort of language in front of him.” Fawley stood back up, hand on Remus’s shoulder. “Apologize.”

“Oh for f—“

“Apologize,” she repeated, sterner.

Button looked directly into Remus’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you shaking your head?” Fawley turned to Remus. “Was he shaking his head? Rolling his eyes?”

“N… no,” he squeaked out, voice breaking.

“Do you hear that? You’ve traumatized him.”

“He’s a werewolf, he’s already traumatized,” Button snorted then winced when Fawley pulled her wand out. “Sorry. I’m just saying, I’m here to help him, and I can’t help him properly if he’s coddled or babied. Face it. If you wanted him coddled and babied you’d’ve kept me far from him.” Miss Fawley’s face went all pinched at that. “He’s fourteen, he’s old enough to speak for himself. Remus.” Button looked hard at him. “How do you feel about this?”

Remus opened and closed his mouth, no idea how to feel about this. This had been some of the craziest few moments of his life! Miss Fawley was right, it felt as though he had been taken out into an ocean and then the ship beneath him blown to bits. Button’s first few words to him were still pounding a rhythm in his head, clashing against everything else that had been said. Clashing with the fact this was Miss Fawley’s friend. Ant. Whom she wrote to whenever Remus had a question about being a werewolf. Who told him it was safe to kiss people. Who told him, a few moments ago, that creatures like him couldn’t feel real emotions.

“Remus?” Miss Fawley asked.

“I… I don’t know,” he whimpered, hands going to his head to clutch at his hair. “This has all b-been sort’ve flung on me, and—and I haven’t—it’s all—“

Miss Fawley pulled him to his feet. “Why don’t you go back to your dorm, dear. You’ve been through a lot just now, and you should probably rest.”

Button grumbled. “He won’t have time to rest if the Ministry is after him—“

“Ant,” Fawley warned.

“N-no, he’s—he’s right,” Remus said, swallowing heavily as he sat back down. “I don’t want to be babied or coddled.” He didn’t want to be called a little beast that deserved to be put down either, but.

Remus jumped yet again as Button thumped his fist against his desk. “GOOD BOY!” he roared. “That’s good, that’s real good. You’re a werewolf and a young man. You’ve got a lot going for you, but you’ve still got a long way to go. Occlumency, obviously, is one of the most important things. Is there any way to increase his lessons to twice a week?”

“No, that would be too much,” Fawley said stiffly.

“He gets two hours though, you said?”

Remus glanced up at Miss Fawley, curious. She simply smiled. “Yes.” Which meant Button had no idea about the Marauders knowing, or taking Occlumency as well. He looked back down, wondering what he’d say if he knew.

Button began drumming his fingers against the desk. “We have a lot of other stuff to cover. Four nights a week for our personal lessons sounds good.”

Remus squinted. Personal lessons? What?

“That’s a bit much,” Fawley told him. “He’s only fourteen and also takes all the electives as well as has Occlumency. We do not want to put too much on his shoulders.”

Button looked confused. “Why in Merlin’s name are you taking all the electives?”

“I… wanted to,” Remus whispered.

“In addition,” Fawley continued, “he has friends who might find it suspicious if he disappears five nights a week with no real explanation. They think he goes to the hospital wing for weekly check ups with Pomfrey, on the nights with me, and I am sure you can come up with something for one or two nights of lessons with you.”

“One or t—?” Button looked distressed. “He needs more than that!”

“No. He doesn’t. Stop rolling your eyes. I might be blind, but I’m not stupid and I know you.”

Button pulled a face at that. “Fine. Two nights a week. For now.” He cut his gaze to Remus. “We’ll see how things go.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand… personal lessons?” Remus asked. “For… what? About—about what?”

Button shrugged. “Anything and everything. I assume there is little you know about werewolves, judging by everything Ana’s asked me over the years.” He began ticking off his fingers. “Lycanthropic history, for one. Everything I know about werewolves that you should know. Spells that you need to know. Some people who are safe, people to avoid like the plague. The best way to present yourself to a Ministry worker, ways to keep safe. Emergency protocols if anyone finds out.” He slammed his outspread hand against the desk, causing Remus to jump for the millionth time; his nerves were fried. “There is a lot to cram into that head of yours.”

“Which wouldn’t be so urgent if you had visited him sooner like I asked,” Fawley said.

Button groaned. “Not this again—“

“Yes, this again. I told you, he needed you three years ago—“

“I’ve been busy! Besides…” Button gave Remus an awkward glance. “You know how I am with children.

“They make him uneasy,” Fawley explained to Remus.

“I don’t like them,” Button growled.

“I—I am fourteen,” Remus said, hoping that would help.

Button didn’t look impressed. “Anyone under the age of twenty is a child. But you’re a werewolf, and I make exceptions for werewolves. I’ve never had to make one for anyone so young though. I would like to know more about… your personal history, however we can discuss that another time.”

“That’s how we met,” Fawley said. “After Morrigan was bitten and put on the register, he showed up one day offering to help. And he certainly helped. I don’t know what we would have done without him.” Fawley turned to Remus and crouched again. “I know he can be a bit of a jerk—“

“A-hem,” Button coughed.

“—but he is a very good man, and a very smart man.” She pressed her hand to his cheek again. “I know he is going to be a huge help to you. But if he ever does cross any lines, feel free to walk away from him. A smart man, yes, but an idiot too.”

“I am right here,” he complained.

Fawley continued to ignore him. “Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself.”

“Actually, I’d prefer it if you did,” Button pointed out. “Knowing when you need to get out of a situation is an important thing for werewolves too. That is something else we’ll be going over. Now.” He checked the watch attached to his wrist, which piqued Remus’s curiosity a bit; wristwatches were something kids wore. Adults usually had pocket watches. “It is approaching supper and I figure you’re hungry. Even if you’re not, you should try to eat something since the full moon just finished. You were home last night… was the moon a rough one for you?”

Remus felt dizzy being asked that question by someone practically a stranger. “Ahhhrrrr… y-yes.” He rubbed his chest. “Erm, still a—scar.”

Button stood. “Then you definitely need to eat. How much do you eat during the moon’s days?”

“I… I don’t… know?”

“Well, we can go over that later.” Button opened his desk and pulled some papers out. “Before you go, though, we need to figure out which nights are best for you. When will he be doing Occlumency?”

“We haven’t decided yet,” Fawley said. “I thought perhaps he and I could meet tomorrow night about it?”

“Why not figure it out now?” Button asked.

Fawley sighed. “Because I want to sit down with him and talk to him alone, and I unfortunately don’t have time for that right now.” He was impressed at how easily she lied to him. “Do you think tomorrow evening will work for you?”

“Yes, Miss Fawley,” he said. “Same time, same place?”

She nodded then faced Button expectantly. “Well? Aren’t you going to figure out when you are meeting with him? Stop glaring at me.”

“I don’t get to talk to him privately?”

“Not at the moment, you already had your chance to talk to him privately and you scared him,” she replied coolly.

Button rolled his eyes again then slid a sheet towards Remus. “Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays?”

“Two times, Ant,” Fawley pointed out. “And let him have his weekends.”

“Tuesday and Thursdays then,” he said. “Is that good for you?”

Remus looked down at the paper, seeing it was the fourth year Gryffindor schedule. He checked those days and then nodded, because they were as good as any. He was used to Tuesdays being Occlumency nights, but those might not be good anymore anyway because who knew when James would have practices.

“Very well.” Button snatched the papers back, shoving them into his desk. “Tomorrow at five-forty-five. Gives you enough time for supper.”

“How long will it last?” Fawley asked. “Since I need to speak with him as well.”

Button looked irritated at that. “Not sure how long our sessions will go on for, our first one will mostly be figuring things out. His curfew is nine so…” Remus had a moment of panic. Surely Button didn’t intend their lessons to last three hours! “Tomorrow night I figure we will probably be done around seven.” Fawley nodded at that. “All right, then. I guess that’s it for now. We—“

“Wait.” Remus bit his lip. “Do you have class schedules for everyone? Could I see the fourth year Slytherins?”

“Why do you want to do that?” he asked suspiciously.

“My friend is a Slytherin, and I haven’t said hello to him yet,” Remus said simply. “It’s hard to, with my other friends around, so I thought I’d see which class he’s leaving now so I could go say hello to him.”

Button pulled the papers back out, shuffling through them before handing one to him. Fourth year Slytherins, Wednesday, four PM. History of Magic. He thanked Button and gave him the paper back. Part of him didn’t want to see Aegis at the moment—he was too keyed up after everything he just discovered—but he didn’t want to meet him with the Marauders around and not have a chance to speak to him privately.

Button didn’t seem to need anything else, and Fawley didn’t either, so they left the office. Remus waited until they were farther down the hall before collapsing back against a wall, rubbing his cheeks.

“Is he always like that?” he asked.

“I know he can be overwhelming,” Fawley said, squeezing his shoulder, “but Ant is really the best person on this earth to help you. That man knows more about werewolves than most werewolves do.”

Remus bit his bottom lip. “Should… I keep it secret from him, about the Marauders knowing?”

Miss Fawley hesitated. “I think it’s best for now. Eventually he will realize how good they are but for now he’d merely get furious that three teenagers know, and might possibly try to step in. Not out of malice, mind you. Out of protection. Though however good his intentions are, it wouldn’t change the fact it would be messy.”

“Okay…” He rubbed his eyes. “I’ll make sure to keep it a secret.”

“Is tomorrow all right, for the others, do you think?”

“Should be,” Remus said. “Or… maybe not, I don’t know. James and Sirius already have detention. James won’t find out his Quidditch practice schedule for a while.”

“That’s fine.” She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. “If you need anything at all from me, Ant will be able to get a message to me quicker than an owl so simply tell him you need me, okay?”

“Even if I need you to rescue me from him?” he asked, half-joking.

Fawley laughed. “If that’s the case, just threaten him with me, he’ll back off. Until tomorrow.” She turned and headed down the corridor, tapping her cane out.

Remus watched her go for a moment before running towards the History of Magic classroom. He knew the Marauders had a free period right now, and figured they were searching for him but he just had to see Aegis. If just for a moment.

He reached the classroom at ten till, and sat down, not too happy about having time to think about Button. He didn’t want to think about Button. He didn’t know how to feel about Button. He was being dragged down then jerked back up. The ‘test’ had been too much for him. What was Button thinking, pretending to be a werewolf hunter like that? He didn’t care that he did good, it was horrible. Button could have just asked him what he’d do in that situation—

Except… Remus didn’t really know. If asked, he probably would have stood there fidgeting for a bit and then saying ‘maybe this’ or ‘maybe that’. He honestly wouldn’t have expected to react the way he did; he would have assumed he was more of a coward than that.

I am NOT siding with Button on this, though! he told himself, despite the glow of pride shining inside of him.

The classroom door opened at five till, and Slytherins and Hufflepuffs began pouring out. They all gave Remus strange looks until—

“Remus!” Aegis shoved past two other Slytherin boys, hurrying over, face glowing as much as the pride inside of Remus. “You’re here! I thought… you—at lunch…”

“We can talk somewhere else,” Remus said, and Aegis nodded a bit eagerly.

“Shame you’re back, Loopy; thought you died and we would have a good year,” Severus Snape said as he whisked past.

“If I see your face too long, I might die of disgust,” Remus replied, and Snape stopped in his tracks, gaping at Remus. “Come on, Aegis.”

“You were quick with that,” Aegis remarked as they walked down the hall as if they weren’t both in a hurry to find someplace to be alone. Remus’s legs were aching to run. He wanted to grab Aegis’s hand and drag him off into a secret passage so they could talk freely.

“I wasn’t in the mood,” he said. “It’s good to see you again.”

“It is good to see you as well,” Aegis replied, lips quirking a little.

Remus paused in front of a tapestry and, after looking to make sure nobody else was around, gently blew on the glowing coals of the woven fireplace. The fire flared, rapidly growing bigger until there was a hole big enough for the two of them to duck through. The hole disappeared behind them, plunging them into black before they chorused the lighting spell at the same time, their wands illuminating the darkness.

“Aegis—“

Aegis flung his arms around Remus, yanking him in for a tight hug. “I missed you. I was so worried about you. I knew you weren’t feeling well last week but when you weren’t on the train and didn’t show up…!”

“I know.” Remus hugged back, burying his face in Aegis’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“Your friends said you were very ill, yet that you’d be back soon,” Aegis said, into Remus’s shoulder. “Did you… write to them while you were sick?” He sounded hurt.

“No.” Remus closed his eyes, breathing in Aegis’s scent. There was something of pine trees there, along with a cold, watery sort of smell; like an icy cold stream flowing through the woods. Hints of some kind of sharp, wintery spice from his soap or shampoo. “I wouldn’t write to them and not to you.”

“Oh.” He sounded pleased at that. They pulled apart, taking each others hands, and staring at one another. “I was afraid, also, you might have… changed your mind,” Aegis confessed, looking down. “About us.”

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve happily thought of the fact I have a… a… boyfriend waiting for me,” Remus confessed right back, lowering his voice to a whisper even though no one else was around. Aegis looked back up, eyes sparkling. “It was awful seeing you in the Great Hall at lunch and not being able to even say hello.”

“I hated them, when they took you away,” Aegis said and then bent in, pressing his lips against Remus’s.

Like before, Remus’s eyes went wide open and he panicked a bit about what to do. His hands were still being held so he didn’t need to worry about that, and then he closed his eyes since Aegis’s eyes were closed; but what about his lips? His mouth? He remembered the way Jean-Marie ground his mouth against his, and then mentally smacked himself for thinking about someone else kissing him when his boyfriend was kissing him, even though it wasn’t like that, it was because he literally had no idea what to do and—

Aegis pulled away, and Remus stepped back, hands going to his face.

“What’s wrong?” Aegis asked.

“I’m a shit kisser,” he moaned.

Aegis’s laughter floated around him as he took Remus’s wrist, trying to get his hands from his face. “You are not,” he said, tilting his head to peer through Remus’s slightly spread fingers. “Although, if you think you are, there is the saying… practice makes perfect.”

Remus wasn’t sure what sort of sound escaped from his mouth. Some sort of squeak. He began going red at that, and covered his face more.

“Sorry.”

“No,” he said, muffled into his hands. “You’re fine. I’m not used to… er, being—being…”

“Flirted with?” Aegis finished, when he couldn’t, and he nodded. “If I am ever too forward, please tell me to stop. I never want to make you uncomfortable.”

He finally lowered his hands. “I’m okay, honest. It’s just going to take a lot of getting used to. All of this.”

“Yes, I agree.” Aegis took one of his hands again and held it tightly. “I hope I can make you happy, though.”

Remus gazed up at him. “You make me happy.” That was mostly the truth, enough of a truth to say it. The part that wasn’t the truth was stuff he couldn’t say since it was the whole he-was-a-monster-who-shouldn’t-be-doing-this. “Although… we should get going. Or, I should. The Marauders have probably been searching for me for a while.”

“Are we going to be able to meet again soon?”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Remus said, palms starting to sweat as he felt the need to yank his hand free. He didn’t, though; that would be weird. What was wrong with him? “I thought maybe we could say we do some study sessions together. Of course, try to spend time with each other at—at other times,” he added quickly, “but at least give us some time once or twice a week definitely, without… er, hopefully without them.”

Aegis beamed. “I like that idea. When shall we? You cannot do Tuesdays, right? That is when you see Pomfrey?”

“Er. No. I mean, I—I can’t do Tuesdays,” he admitted, realizing he needed to find an excuse for his lessons with Button now! “Or Thursdays. I’m… I’m helping the new Defense teacher.” The words tumbled out without him thinking, and he hoped Button would back that up.

“Professor Button?” Aegis looked dubious and he released Remus’s hand. “You’ve met him?”

“Yes,” he said slowly. “Professor Charlemagne wanted me to be his teacher’s aide this year. Remember? And… Professor Button… er, he doesn’t, but he says I can help some.”

“Button said that?” Aegis frowned as one eyebrow raised up. “Are you sure he did not say something more along the lines of threatening bodily harm?”

Remus snorted and then covered his mouth. “Not you too! The Marauders insisted he wants to murder everyone…”

“I think he does as well,” Aegis admitted sheepishly. “He is very frightening. You said you met him! Isn’t he frightening?”

“He is. But I don’t think he’d physically hurt a student.” Mentally and emotionally hurt them, yes, absolutely, he was more than happy to do so. “In any case, I’ll be helping him on Tuesdays and Thursdays for the time being.”

Aegis thought about this then his eyes brightened. “Does that mean you no longer need to see Pomfrey? Are you feeling better, then?”

Remus cringed a bit. “Ahhh. No. No, I still need to—er—I’ll still need to do that. We’re just not sure when exactly it will happen. I’m going to be speaking to her tomorrow about it, probably.” He began tugging at his jumper, feeling bad about all these lies piling up so rapidly. “For now we can maybe meet… maybe… the same as we did before? Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Then after I find out when I’ll be with Pomfrey we can change things around. Oh! And… perhaps lunch tomorrow? I’m sure I can convince the Marauders to leave me alone for that.”

Aegis took Remus’s hand again. “It is going to be hard avoiding them, isn’t it?”

Remus’s mouth tugged back a little. “Yeah, I think it will but we’ll manage.”

They gazed at one another again for several seconds and then Aegis leaned in, clearly intending to kiss him again; he didn’t know what to do because he didn’t really want to be kissed again at this point, he still felt too panicky, but he also felt bad about ducking away so he simply let it happen, doing his best to kiss back. But he didn’t know how to kiss back so he was sure it was terrible. Aegis didn’t seem to mind, though, and they left the corridor, chatting all the way back to the Great Hall about other things. It was strange, walking past people and Remus thinking, They don’t know we’re dating. It felt as though there was a spotlight on them. How could people not notice?

Before they reached the Great Hall, the Marauders found them and immediately surrounded Remus, complaining about how he had been missing for their entire free period. Aegis waved sadly at Remus before disappearing through the doors, while the Marauders half-dragged Remus.

“I’m sorry!” he protested. “Button needed to see me about—well, you know. Things.”

“So you met him?” Peter asked.

“What did he say?” Sirius asked.

“What did he do?” James asked.

“I can’t—“

“REMUS!” Someone dove between him and Sirius, and it was Lily, slightly wild-eyed as she elbowed James in the face. “Omigosh, we need to talk now!” She seized hold of his wrists and began tugging him loose from his friends.

“Come on, Lily, it’s his first day back!” Sirius complained, hooking his arm around Remus’s upper chest.

“Yes, and you spent time with him earlier,” she snapped. “I have not seen him yet and he’s my friend too, let go.”

“You didn’t have to smack my face,” James complained, rubbing his cheek.

“If you don’t let me have Remus, I’ll do worse than that,” she threatened. “Come on then, Sirius, let go. Please?”

Sirius reluctantly let go, and Remus almost tumbled into Lily. She let go of his hands to put her arms around him, thanking the boys and hauling Remus off away from the Great Hall. He thought slightly miserably of the food because he was starting to get hungry, but didn’t complain. He wasn’t sure where she was taking him, but they ended up in an unused room on the second floor, the door shut and locked behind them.

“First of all,” she started with, and then hugged him tightly. “It’s so good to see you again.” He hugged back, saying how good it was to see her too. “I was very worried about you. Sirius and Peter said you were quite ill, but it was a bit shocking that you of all people missed the first few days of lessons! You still look a bit… not so good.”

“I know,” he said, brushing his fringe back. “I feel pretty tired.”

She was holding his hands now, the same way Aegis had been but it wasn’t making him feel awkward or sweaty. “Second of all…” Her grip tightened. “You tell me right this second what the hell is going on, Remus Lupin, or so help me I’ll—I’ll hex your tongue to come out your nose!”

Remus flinched back. “Bloody hell, Lily!”

She gave a whiny sort of sound and stomped her foot. “Do you know how tortured I’ve been, sitting in the dark about not knowing about your dates? You never wrote much either! I need to know everything! Or, everything you feel comfortable telling me.” Her eyes got enormous. “Is he at Hogwarts?”

“Y-yes,” Remus said, hoping she wouldn’t be able to guess; if Pandora knew they were dating, maybe it would be okay if Lily knew. “He’s a wizard, not a Muggle. I… wouldn’t have been as… I mean, I don’t think I could have even met a Muggle.”

“True, true.” She dragged him over towards the window and plopped down on the floor, yanking him down with her. “Tell me about the dates.”

“I’ve told you, we mostly only had lunch together,” Remus said, fidgeting a bit and scratching at his wrists. “We couldn’t really do much, and there were usually people around so we couldn’t talk too freely. One time we were talking about—er—some Muggle things, and this woman got so angry and huffy about it! I said that Muggles come up with a lot of the same hobbies we do, it’s just ours are magicked versions. She got offended. Told us we were saying bad things in front of her kid.”

Lily’s face fell at that. “Yeah. I’ve seen in the Daily Prophet how bad things are getting. These masked people are becoming more outspoken, and that leader of theirs… Voldemort? I think his name is? Seems to be really pushing for Purist supremacy.” She shook her head. “But I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about your dates! Are you going to keep going on dates here at Hogwarts?”

He couldn’t stop the smile. He knew he was about to make her brain explode, and, despite the bit of shyness he felt, he was also excited to tell her. “I hope so, considering he asked me to be his boyfriend.”

At first he wasn’t sure if what he was hearing was even human until he realized yes, it was Lily shrieking. Screaming. A long, ear-piercing sort of ‘eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’ sound that made him cover his ears.

“Okay, maybe James was right in thinking you’re part banshee!” he joked.

“Sorrrrry!” she gasped out, flinging herself at him, making them both tumble to the ground. “ARE YOU SERIOUS? He—boyfriend? BOYFRIEND!”

“Shhhh!” he laughed. “Yes. And I said yes.” Another eeeeyaaaaa sound, and he felt as though his head was going to split apart. “Lily, please.”

She peeled herself off of him, staring down into his face from where she was still pinning him to the ground. “Remus, you have a boyfriend?” He nodded, laughing more. “Oh. My. CHRIST AND LORD!”

“It doesn’t seem real. Maybe it’s not real. Maybe I’m dreaming—ow!” he yelped as she pinched his shoulder. “Right, right, not dreaming, even though it feels like one!”

She got off of him and clasped her hands together, sighing a little dramatically. “I can’t believe you have a boyfriend! Especially since you were so adamant you’d never get any boy at all to ever like you! A year ago you were trying to convince me to make you a potion to stop you from being gay altogether!”

“I know,” he said, sitting up and making a face. “That’s… one reason it still doesn’t feel real to me yet. It’s all happened so fast. It’s only been a month since he… no, not even a month. I’ve barely even started understanding or accepting myself! I don’t think I’m going to make a very good boyfriend.” He didn’t voice his fears that this was maybe a mistake, that he wasn’t ready despite wanting to be ready.

“Remus, love.” Lily rested her hand on his knee. “You’re going to make a terrific boyfriend. It’s okay to be scared. I’m sure he’s scared too, unless he’s got loads of experience. How old is he?”

“I—I shouldn’t say anything about him, until I talk to him about whether it’s okay if you know,” Remus said, wringing his hands nervously. “He might be okay with you properly knowing who he is. I don’t know.”

“If it helps, you can tell him I like girls,” Lily said, slightly awkwardly. “I’m okay with a gay boy knowing. I’m okay with my best friend’s boyfriend knowing.” He buried his face in his hands for what felt like the millionth time that day, and she giggled. “Boyfriend.”

“Stooop!”

She pried his hands off his face and leaned in, pressing her forehead against his. “I’m so happy for you, Remus.”

“Thank you. I’m… I’m happy. Nervous, but happy.”

The two of them hugged again and then headed back to the Great Hall, mostly because both their stomachs were rumbling. Once there, the Marauders tore him away from Lily, and said if anyone else tried to take him away from them that day, they were going to riot. Remus smiled, promising them that he was theirs for the rest of the evening. At the high table, Professor Button was looking at them, and he gave Remus a strange look. Remus quickly looked down, piling food on his plate and shoveling it in his mouth as the Marauders chattered around him like birds; he tried to focus on how happy he was to be back with them again instead of worrying about his private lessons with Button.

Chapter Text

It was strange trying to settle back into Hogwarts when everyone else already was. Remus felt a little lost, although Lily gave him copies of all her notes from their classes (Sirius gave him some too but his note-taking skills were quite… awful). After supper, James and Sirius had detention and Remus sorta wanted to try to see Aegis again however Peter didn’t want to be alone, so the two of them went out into one of the courtyards for a while, Peter with a comic book and Remus with all the notes. And homework assignment, from Button.

Remus recopied Lily’s notes in his own handwriting, feeling better once they were. Her handwriting looked better but there was just something about reading notes in his own that worked for his brain. He asked Peter about some of the stuff but Peter only shrugged, apologizing for not being sure. Which was fine. Remus went through some of the schoolbooks he had put in his bag, scribbling down more notes for himself and writing page numbers to read later in bed.

“Want to go to the library?” Remus asked, shoving his quill behind his ear.

Peter’s nose wrinkled. “What for?”

“Start working on our Defense essay. I can help you.”

“It’s not due till Monday,” Peter said.

“It’s already Wednesday,” Remus pointed out and Pete scrunched his nose up even more. “Never mind. I’ll go tomorrow after sup—er, no, I’m meeting with Button and then we’re all meeting with Fawley. I’ll go at lunch—errr, no, Aegis and I were going to have lunch together.” He started looking for his schedule.

Peter closed his comic book. “Remy, you’ve been here half a day, haven’t even gone to classes, and you’re fussing already. Aren’t y’still tired from… you know… the stuff?”

Remus was chewing on his lip, barely listening. “Uh-huh. I can go during one of our free periods. I don’t need to stay, I can just check some books out and then work on it after Fawley.” He reached down so he could write a note for himself. “Errr…” He pat the grass, opened his satchel, dug everything out, and then squinted. “Where’d my quill go? I just had it.”

“Behind your ear.”

“Oh! Thank you.” He opened the little notebook he was using as a reminder and scribbled in it. “Sorry, what did you say a moment ago?”

“Nothing,” Peter sighed, opening his comic book again.

Remus frowned. “No, I’m sorry, Pete. What did you say?”

“I was only worried about you,” he said, peering over the top of the comic.

“Oh. Right, yeah. No. I’m fine.” He stuck the quill behind his ear again and put everything else in his satchel. The promptly forgot about his quill once more and Peter giggled as he told him where it was. Blushing, Remus shoved his quill in its little case and stuffed it in his bag.

James and Sirius got out of their detention by seven, and all four of them went down to the lake to spend some time before curfew kicked in. At eight they were still outside, enjoying the fact they now had an extra hour than they did as third years. Nine would be their curfew for two years, and then it would move up to ten-thirty for their final two years.

“Except for you,” Sirius said, throwing a clod of dirt at Remus.

“Why me?” Remus demanded.

“You’ll be Prefect and not have a curfew.”

Remus threw the clod of dirt back. “I won’t be. By the way, did you see Frank Longbottom was made Prefect for the fifth years?”

“He’s pretty neat,” James said. He was the only one of them in the lake, trousers rolled up as he waded. “I’m glad he’s the fifth year Prefect for us now. He’s pretty relaxed. Hopefully we can get away with more stuff.”

Remus rolled his eyes, deciding not to say anything about that. Soon, though, the four of them headed back to the Gryffindor tower. To their dorm. Their dorm which was very awesome to have. As soon as the door shut, James put on a record and began blasting it. Remus put his ear plugs in, carefully adjusting them so the music didn’t give him too much of a headache while still being able to (hopefully) hear his friends. The earplugs had been a gift from James during their second year, shortly after they found out he was a werewolf and had sensitive hearing. They blocked sound really well and he could adjust how much sound was blocked.

James dug out a bottle of firewhisky, which Remus started shaking his head to. That started a slight argument. They had class in the morning, and Remus didn’t want to get a hangover. He’d rather do it Friday night. James wanted to ‘christen’ the Marauder dorm. They went back and forth until Remus gave in, as always. James got out four small cups and put some firewhisky in each of them, handing them out.

“To having our own dorm!” he said, clinking their glasses together.

“To being fifteen soon,” Sirius said evilly, and James kicked him since it would be a while before James and Remus turned fifteen.

“To, er, us,” Peter decided on, panicking slightly.

“To James being at least semi-intelligent and not wanting us to drink the entire bottle,” Remus said, and James kicked him as well.

James and Sirius swigged theirs down quickly, both coughing. Peter sucked at his slowly, while Remus took tiny sips. By the time Peter was done, Remus had barely even had any; he took another sip and James reached over, jerking the glass up so the rest of it spilled into Remus’s mouth.

“James!” Sirius laughed.

Remus gagged and coughed, the spicy heat searing down his throat. Tears welled up in his eyes and he kept coughing more until Peter got him some water. Remus drank a little of it and dumped the rest over James’s head. James tackled him and the two began rolling on the floor, grappling at one another until Remus—very quickly—tapped out.

“What’s this?” Sirius said, climbing onto the edge of his bed. “It appears Remy has BACKUP!” He flung himself off his bed and onto James. Remus rolled far out of the way, laughing as Sirius easily pinned James down who was shrieking at the unfairness of it all.

“Peeete!” James cried out, reaching his hand. “You’re my backup!”

“Sorry, I’m injured,” Peter said, grabbing his wrist and falling back dramatically. “Ohhhhh! It hurts!”

“Little prick!” James wailed as Sirius sat on his head. “STOP FARTING! OKAY YOU WIN! YOU WIN!”

Sirius stood up, hands in the air victoriously. He then took a bow and flopped down, half across Remus’s lap. “Anytime you need a champion just let me know.”

Remus laughed, pushing him off his lap. “Thank you.”

“I hate you all,” James sniffled, fumbling around for his glasses which had fallen. “Oh. Now you help me,” he grumbled when Peter handed them to him. He put them on, adjusting them a bit. “I’m writing all of you out of my will.”

But he laughed, and they all laughed as well, and Remus hugged his knees to his chest feeling all his anxiety, fears, and stress melting away just by being in their company. As he glanced around at their faces, he thought the only thing that could make this better was if they knew everything… and for a moment, the fears and anxieties started coming back—painfully. Picturing them being disgusted and abandoning him if they knew, forcing him out of the Marauder dorm to share with Spinnet and Struthers. Who if they found out, they’d not want him around either. He’d be completely shunned and—No. Don’t think about it. He pushed them down and then went over to the cloud with the others, the four of them snuggled up together and staying up far too late talking about various things.

Remus was the first one to get sleepy but when he said he thought they ought to head to bed, Peter chimed in his agreement. James suggested their first night together they sleep on the cloud (especially since there wouldn’t be anyone calling them freaks in the morning for sleeping together) and so, after they all got in their pajamas, they gathered some of their blankets up and curled up together once more. Remus was on the edge, next to Peter, and it didn’t take him long at all to drift into a very, very happy sleep.

*

My first official day! Remus woke up feeling chipper than he normally did in the mornings, and happily got his shower and dressed for the day. He could hardly contain his excitement on the way down to breakfast, and Peter accused him of stealing James’s energy. James laughed and said nobody could be that energetic but him, which Remus agreed although he felt pretty close to it.

“So what have we been learning in Care of Magical Creatures?” Remus asked as they took their seats. It was one of the few classes Lily didn’t take, and Sirius’s notes mostly consisted of a drawing of Professor Kettleburn riding a flaming horse. “Is it something equine-related?”

“Equine huh?” James asked.

“Horse-related,” Remus corrected himself, piling food on his plate. “Sirius’s notes had a drawing of a horse.”

“Nah, I was just in the mood for that,” Sirius said, stealing a piece of bacon off of Remus’s plate despite having his own plate of food. “We went over some of the things we learned last year, had a safety quiz, and then were introduced to kneazles.” He took another piece of bacon and this time Remus slapped his hand. “Did you know kneazles can breed with regular house cats?”

“Is that all you got from the lesson?” James snickered.

Sirius grinned. “No. They also detect liars and deceitful people. But I was wondering. About Animagus. You know, since McGonsie can turn into a cat and all.” He leaned across the table, lowering his voice. “What happens if another animal tries to bree—“

Remus shoved a piece of toast in Sirius’s mouth, cutting him off. “You are not finishing that sentence.”

“Mmmph?”

“Disgusting.”

“Could a kneazle—“ James started.

“No, we are not having this conversation!” Remus cut in. “Absolutely not! If any of you try to continue it, I shall hex your nose to dribble all day. Or for your tongue to stick our your nose,” he added, thinking of Lily’s threat.

“Only curious,” Sirius said innocently, sitting back. “Since, you know. All things considering. Anyway, I do have another question.”

“God.”

Sirius ignored him. “If you become an Animagus, does your sex stay the same?”

“Huh.” Peter squinted his eyes. “Is that possible?” He lowered his voice to just barely audible to the four of them. “What if that happens?”

“It won’t happen, it doesn’t happen, it’s never happened,” Remus said, rubbing his forehead, his excitement for the day quickly fading into a massive headache.

“Sure?” James asked, poking him. “One hundred percent sure?”

“I—well—well, no,” he admitted, and Peter looked frightened. “Guys, come on, it’s my first morning and we were up a bite late having—er—and I’d rather not worry about this at the moment, please?” He gave them all a pleading look. “We can discuss it lately. Privately.”

They thankfully dropped the subject and finished their breakfast without much more issue. Their Magical Creature lesson was, surprisingly, inside; usually when the weather was nice it was held outside. But as soon as Remus stepped in he realized why: there were three kneazles lounging around the room.

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?” Sirius asked as they took their seats, beaming happily as one kneazle stretched out, yawned, and hopped across a few desks to go to his. “Hello there.”

“Professor, I thought they could detect liars and cheats,” said Solonys Avery. Several of the Slytherins laughed at that.

“That’s why she’s avoiding you,” Sirius said, still petting the kneazle happily.

Kettleburn did a quick headcount then brought a large crate out from behind his desk. “I have something special for you,” he said, taking a kneazle out of the crate and setting it aside before plunging his good hand back in and pulling out…

“A kitten!” Alice Colgate gasped.

There was a tiny kneazle kitten squirming in Kettleburn’s hand. The kneazle that had been in the crate sniffed the baby carefully before sitting down, deciding everything was good.

“Are we taking care of kneazle kittens?” asked Chloe Urswick eagerly.

“Not outside class,” Kettleburn said, setting the kitten down and pulling another one out. “Purebred kneazles are a 3-X classification. They will be in this classroom, though, and you’ll be able to watch them grow and learn. This is the mother kneazle… the father’s over there by the window. They can be extremely ferocious when it comes to their children, so nobody is allowed to touch them until we’ve established trust.” He pulled a third kitten out. “Now, if any of the kneazles get mad when you get near them you just back off. It doesn’t mean the kneazle necessarily thinks you’re a liar or cheat,” he added quickly, “however they are touchy.”

As he spoke, the mother kneazle started going around the room, examining everyone carefully. Once she made the rounds she returned to the desk, picked up one of her kits, and brought it to Sirius, dumping it in his lap. Sirius carefully cradled the kitten, looking incredibly happy for the rest of the lesson. With Kettleburn’s permission, after the lesson ended Sirius carried the kitten back to the front while the mother walked between his ankles.

“Did you see that?” he asked breathlessly after they left. “I got to hold a kitten! It was so soft.”

“Animals really like you,” James said as they wandered out to one of the courtyards.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Sirius said, pleased. “Must be my animal magnetism.”

The others laughed but Remus said, “Is that why I couldn’t say no to being friends with you?”

“What do—Remus!” Sirius gave him a shove but laughed along with Remus and the others. “I won’t say no if you can’t resist this.” He flexed his arms.

“Oh, that is—I—that is absolutely irresistible,” Remus replied in a deadpan voice. Glad he could keep his voice at that tone, since Sirius posing was certainly nice to look at.

Peter smacked Sirius’s back. “Save it for the girls. Speaking of which—“

“Speaking of witches,” James giggled.

Pete rolled his eyes. “Is there anyone you’re going for this year? You said the other day there was someone you liked.”

Sirius stuck his nose in the air. “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

“Who’s the lucky lady this time?” Remus asked, not feeling as hurt or jealous as he had the year before. It took a second to realize why: he had a boyfriend! He couldn’t help but smile at that, and enjoy the flickering glow in his chest. Their next lesson was Potions. Maybe they’d be paired off, and he could pair with Aegis.

“I don’t know,” Sirius said, cutting into Remus’s thoughts. “Haven’t decided yet.”

Remus wanted to point out that Peter just said Sirius said there was someone he liked, but decided against it. They were in a courtyard now, settled around a tree. There were some first year Slytherins standing nervously in the covered section, one pointing one way another pointing the opposite way. Remus could hear them arguing about where the Transfiguration classroom was.

“We should help them,” he remarked.

“Who? The little baby snakes?” James shielded his eyes, looking over. “What are they needing? Mice to eat?”

“Oh, stop it,” Peter grumbled.

“Transfiguration.”

“We should tell’em its on the fifth floor,” Sirius said wickedly.

Remus elbowed him then got up, brushing the grass off his robes before going over. He felt… uncomfortable approaching the four kids; he didn’t know them plus they were Slytherins so they might not even want his help. But he remembered his first year. Trying to find the Transfiguration classroom. Feeling so lost and confused for so long…

“Do you need help?” he asked.

The four looked up at him with huge eyes, one of them staring at his tie. “Not from a Gryffindor,” she said, uncertainly.

“If you’re looking for the Transfiguration classroom, it’s that way,” he told them, pointing and then giving them directions. As he walked back to his friends he heard them arguing. The girl who had spoken to him wanted to go the opposite way Remus had explained. The other two girls wanted to follow Remus’s directions so they split up; the two girls following Remus’s directions, the other girl and the boy going in the other way.

“Looks like two of them didn’t believe you,” James said as Remus sat back down.

“S’fine, their decision.”

“You know, that reminds me.” James turned to face his three friends. “I’ve been thinking all summer and doing some research—“

“Have you switched bodies with Remus?” Sirius asked.

“Oh, shut up.” James shoved him. “No. But I know we’ve discussed it multiple times before and sort’ve made one before but guys… we need a map of the school. I think that should be our project alongside Animagus.”

“A map isn’t really a project,” Peter said hesitantly. “Sirius can do it pretty quickly.”

James shook his head. “No! Not a regular map. A special map.” He rubbed his hands together, more seemingly from nerves than excitement. “We go missing too much.”

“A map wouldn’t have helped me out of the pit,” Peter pointed out. “You didn’t know I was there.”

“No!” He sounded frustrated now. “I’m talking about seriously trying to figure out some way where we can find each other if something happens. Track each other down easily. I was thinking… well, I mean, I found it in a book. There was this map made and then a spell and a… necklace I think it was?” James put his hand out, fingers pinched like he was holding something. “The witch held the necklace in one hand and it spun a bit and then went to where the person she was seeking was. I think we need something like that. At least if we could narrow it down by floor, that would help big time, or general area.”

“I know what you’re talking about,” Remus said, wishing he didn’t. “The Quaere Amare Mea spell. Seek my love. Tilly Muddlespent invented it in the 15^th century, when she thought her husband was kidnapped.”

“Thought? He wasn’t?” Sirius asked.

Remus hugged his knees to his chest, unable to stop the smirk from appearing. “The spell worked and she found him in her sister’s bed. She tried, then, to come up with Perdere Amare Mea right then and there. Destroy my love. It backfired. She ended up… horribly disfigured and unable to do much on her own, and her husband became famous for a while for being so devoted to caring for her, since nobody knew what happened yet. After she died and left everything to her cat, the truth came out and the husband was shamed and disappeared for real this time, hiding.”

Sirius slammed his fist against the ground. “Why can’t we learn about stuff like this in History? It’s much more fun!”

“Was it ever used again?” Pete asked. “The seeking one, not the destroying one.”

“Yes, it’s been used,” Remus said slowly. “It’s… fairly complicated.”

James put his arm around Remus, squeezing him close. “Not too complicated for the smartest wizards in the school, eh? Do you know how it’s done?”

“No, we’d have to find out,” he sighed, feeling tired again, the energy from his excitement wearing off. Didn’t he have enough on his plate already? He tightened his arms, imagining himself saying that he didn’t have the time or energy to help with this. “I can start doing some research.”

James kissed the side of his head. “You’re the best.”

Remus dug out a little notebook from his satchel. COMC, free, potions, lunch w/aegis, runes, free(library?), trans, history, button 545, fawley 7. Then below it: law, DADA essay. He scribbled q. amare mae next to it and shut the notebook. A thread of panic worked its way through his stomach and up his throat at how much he had to do today, then quickly he snipped that thread in half; it was the start of school, of course it was going to be busy. He didn’t need to do look too much into the law or amare mae stuff yet anyway.

At least Potions was next. Previous years he wouldn’t have been excited but now it was one of the few classes he got to see Aegis in, so it was going to be one of the better lessons. Aegis was already there, when the Marauders went in, and the two waved at one another.

“Are we still on for lunch?” Aegis inquired as the Marauders walked by.

“Yes,” Remus replied, hoping he didn’t look too eager… or was blushing… was he blushing? He fought the urge to reach up and touch his cheeks, that would be too obvious. Worse, the two kisses Aegis gave him the night before felt like they were manifesting on his lips, as if being in the presence of Aegis was bringing their secrets out on his body.

God, he was being ridiculous!

Professor Slughorn didn’t have them pair up, though they did have to make a potion. Remus quickly grew hot, tired, and a bit grouchy as his potion refused to cooperate. He kept dripping sweat into it which was probably why it was so ruined. Werewolf sweat. By the end his potion was a thick, grey-green, porridge-like mess and he received an A, the lowest passing grade.

“How do you manage that?” James teased him as they left.

“I don’t know!” Remus slumped against the far wall, trying not to pout. “I don’t want to talk about it. No, you go on ahead, I’m waiting for Aegis. I said we were having lunch together.”

“The five of us can have lunch together,” Sirius suggested.

Remus glanced up, forcing the smile to remain. And so it begins. Luckily he was saved from trying to come up with an excuse by Aegis approaching them and stating, apologetically, that he had some things he wished to discuss with Remus alone, although if the Marauders wanted to have lunch together the next day that would be terrific.

“See you after lunch then,” Sirius said, a bit glumly.

“I have Runes,” Remus muttered. Sirius frowned at him. “And, er, after Runes I was hoping to go to the library.” Why did Sirius look so mad? “Only to get a couple of things,” he quickly added, not wanting Sirius to be mad. “So I can meet up with you before Transfiguration.”

“Yeah, we’ll meet you at the library sometime,” James said cheerfully. “See you later, Aegis.”

The other three walked off while Remus and Aegis took a different route, going for the kitchens instead of the Great Hall. Since there were other students around they kept the conversation light, not talking openly until they got their food and went to an empty classroom. Remus shut and locked the door, as well as tried a muffling spell even though he wasn’t too good at them.

“I missed you,” Aegis said, seizing Remus’s hand as soon as they were definitely alone.

Remus almost dropped his little basket of food at the sudden contact. “I missed you too,” he said, wanting to pull his hand free again. He kept it in Aegis’s hand, trying to ignore the anxious buzziness going around in the back of his head. He had the feeling it wasn’t normal—because he wasn’t normal.

Though it reminded him…

“Oh.”

“Oh?” Aegis asked as they sat down, getting their food out as if it were summer still and they were under the Blue Haven and not in a dusty old classroom.

Remus crossed his legs under him, picking up the sandwich the house-elf Bibble had given him. His fingers were tense, digging into the soft bread as he worked out how to ask what he wanted to ask. “I was wondering… and—and if it makes you uncomfortable by all means, I—well.” He flinched at his words coming out all wrong, and Aegis simply looked at him, patient. “The thing is. Does… Pandora… know about us? Together? You said she knows you’re… er, gay, I wasn’t sure if…”

Aegis looked guilty and he began picking at the crust of his sandwich. “Yes,” he admitted in a very, very soft whisper. “I am sorry. The thing is—“

“No, it’s all right,” Remus cut in before Aegis could feel any worse. “I’m okay with it. She knows about you, and… well, if you trust her, I trust her.”

He looked up, eyes bright once more. “That means a lot, thank you. I really had no intention of telling her, however she knew I fancied you and when… after we started going on dates, she could tell something changed. That I was… quite happy.” He looked down quickly at that, smiling shyly. “Besides, I was going into Caerphilly quite a lot.”

“I was only wondering because… I… I’m not sure if I can keep this from Lily,” Remus admitted. “She knows I have a boyfriend. She…” Remus squirmed a bit, feeling uncomfortable saying it despite the fact Lily had given him permission to do so. “She is a bit like us,” he finally settled on.

“Oh!” Aegis looked very surprised. “I had never thought… ah. No. I mean! Sorry, I meant yes. I mean…” He shook his head, covering his face with one hand. “I apologize for sounding as though I’ve been hit with a babbling hex. I am okay if you tell Lily. Or… we can tell her, before or after Runes.”

There was a flutter of excitement in his chest, at the thought Lily was going to know Aegis was his boyfriend. That he was going to be able to be completely honest with her about things. “All right. That sounds good.”

They talked, discussed homework, and faltered into some awkward silence. Remus then asked what hobby Aegis had settled on for Muggle Studies, since he still didn’t know what he was going to do. He wondered what the Marauders had chosen. He never asked them.

“Painting,” Aegis replied. “I am not very artistic however I think it could be fun. Besides, it is something I could carry over to the magical side of things, and if I make a painting look horrid… I can simply say that was my artistic direction.”

Remus laughed hard at that. “Brilliant!”

“What about you?”

“I… er, haven’t chosen yet.” He popped the last bite of his sandwich in his mouth and washed it down with some juice.

“It is due tomorrow, at least, she gave us some more time and did not spring it on us immediately,” Aegis said helpfully. “You could try painting, and we could paint together.”

Remus shrugged, picking up a piece of cut pear to nibble on for dessert. Painting took a lot of time. He didn’t want to be lazy however he had so much else going on he didn’t want to pick something that would require him to sit down and squint at a canvas for hours on end. Although it would probably be a good explanation for spending time with Aegis, except he could still see the Marauders (especially Sirius) wanting to intrude.

“Sirius is artistic,” he suddenly said, then wasn’t sure why he said it. “Er. He might be able to give you some pointers.”

“He seemed a bit upset we were having lunch together,” Aegis said very slowly, as if he didn’t want to say it.

Remus picked up another piece of pear, studying it. “He’s a bit grumpy about not being able to spend all our time together right now, since I was out of Hogwarts for a few days. They’ve missed me.” He almost said that Aegis got to see him more than the Marauders did over the summer, then thought that might come across in the wrong way.

“I understand,” Aegis sighed. “It is just going to be frustrating, not being able to spend as much time with you as I wish I could.” He took a bit of pear as well, carefully putting it in his mouth and chewing. “Remus, you said before you believe James and Sirius are of the mind that gay people are wrong. Are you certain about it?”

“I—“ Remus hesitated, taken aback by the question. “Yes. Very sure. Why?”

“No reason. They seem so nice, except when Sirius is… er, grumpy.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh. “Nice doesn’t mean they don’t have some negative views about things.” The hair on the back of his neck began prickling, as it was a perfect opportunity to bring up werewolves. He could say that James and Sirius seemed to have positive views on werewolves, and try to judge Aegis’s reaction to that. However as soon as his mouth opened it closed again, and he couldn’t do it.

Couldn’t bring himself to even utter the word ‘werewolf’.

“That’s true,” Aegis mumbled.

After lunch they headed to Runes, Aegis looking more and more anxious with each step. At one point Remus stopped and asked him again if he was sure it was okay, and Aegis nodded. Since they were in public all Remus could do was briefly put his hand on Aegis’s shoulder for reassurance.

They ran into Lily a few corridors away from Runes and Remus jogged over, grabbing her hand. “Lily! Can I talk to you privately for a moment?”

“Runes is about to start,” she said.

“Only a moment,” he said, hoping it wouldn’t take too long.

He tugged her into an empty storage room, and Aegis followed. Lily gave him a curious look but didn’t say anything as the three of them tried to arrange themselves in decent positions without being too crowded; the storage room wasn’t very big though at least it was more than a broom cupboard.

“Is something going on?” Lily asked, folding her arms.

Remus had no idea how to even bring it up or say it. He gave a quick breath through his nose, his brow furrowing slightly as he discarded several possibilities of opening the conversation up. “I… er… I… aahh…” Nothing sounded right, nothing felt right. He grew more and more flustered and then blurted out, “It’s him.”

“What’s him?” Lily asked, glancing at Aegis.

Aegis took hold of Remus’s hand and held them up.

Lily stared, jaw slowly dropping. She looked at their hands then at Remus then at Aegis then back at Remus. “You—“ she squeaked out, and Remus nodded. “You?!” she repeated towards Aegis, who nodded as well. “Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God!”

The sound she made couldn’t have been human, giving further evidence towards James’s theory she was part banshee. Remus jerked his hand free so he could cover his ears while Aegis stepped back, bumping into the door.

“WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!” she screamed over and over, hands on her head, a perfect caricature of disbelief. “Are you JOKING?! No, you wouldn’t—ohhhh my God! You and—? Aegis? You’re…?”

“Yes,” Aegis said hesitantly, stepping forward once more, halfway behind Remus.

“And you two are—?”

They glanced at each other and then held hands once more. “Yes,” Remus said, blushing.

Lily squealed and then flung her arms around Remus tightly, lifting him clear in the air and spinning him. “Reeeemus! I can’t even—that’s—oh my God! Don’t worry, I won’t fling you around,” she said breathlessly after setting Remus down, and Aegis looked relieved. “Thank you, though, for being—being comfortable with me knowing.”

“It is fine, you are one of Remus’s closest friends and the only other one who knows he is gay,” Aegis said, shrugging slightly. “The only one who knows about me is Pandora. She, er, also knows about me and Remus.”

Lily clapped her hands together. “I’m so happy for you. Ohhh this is…! I don’t even know how to speak right now!” She broke into laughter then hugged Remus again, kissing his cheek. “I told you. I told you!”

“Oh, God, not this,” he moaned, rolling his eyes.

She put her hands on her hips. “Yes this. He refused to believe any boy would ever fancy him and he even—“

“You know,” Remus quickly put his hand over her mouth, “Runes is going to start any moment, we really should get to the classroom before we get points removed.”

Aegis raised his eyebrow. “Lily, you can tell me about it later.”

“Oh, I will,” she promised after shoving Remus’s hand away.

“Maybe it was a mistake letting you know,” Remus grumbled at Lily as they left the storeroom. She simply giggled and linked arms with him, skipping along beside him as they headed to class.

Chapter Text

The rest of Thursday afternoon passed quite pleasantly for Remus; after Runes he went to the library where the Marauders were waiting for him, so he only searched for books to help with the Defense essay as well as something for the seeking spell. He didn’t feel comfortable checking out law books with Sirius around, though. He highly doubted Sirius would notice, and certainly wouldn’t assume it had anything to do with him… but he was also—on occasion—very perceptive.

The first free period was spent outside. James and Sirius pretended to sword fight with sticks while Peter stretched out in the sun and Remus had his nose in a book. Just like old times.

Transfiguration came next which was mostly numbers work and then about twenty minutes spent trying to transfigure a hedgehog into a pincushion. By the time class was up, Remus had managed to make his hedgehog look like it was made out of cloth which was the farthest anyone got; he received four points for his excellent work.

After everyone was dismissed, McGonagall asked Remus to stay behind for a moment, shooing his friends out. Normally he would be anxious about this sort of thing, assuming he was in trouble, but this time he assumed it was just to check up on him. Which it was. She asked how he was faring returning to classes after a ‘difficult’ moon, made sure he was okay, inquired about if he had met Button yet, and double-checked that the curtains in the dorm room were still adequately muffled.

“Oh and five more points for Gryffindor,” she said as he started to leave.

“What for?”

McGonagall gave him an approving smile. “Helping the two Slytherin first years today. Have a good evening.”

History of Magic went about as Remus expected: nothing but a lecture from the ghostly professor in a droning, sleep-inducing voice. After that the Marauders were free! Until Remus had to go meet Button. And then Fawley. Which thankfully James and Sirius would be able to do. They said they did have detention (not for the floating thing during the opening feast but because they tried to turn one of the main stairwells into a bunch of wet sponges and a student slipped and broke her ankle) but would be out before seven.

After reassuring his friends multiple times that Button had no intention of killing him, Remus hurried off and headed for Button’s office. The teacher hadn’t been there for supper, and a tiny part of him hoped Button wasn’t in his office again. However as soon as he knocked the door opened.

“Evening,” Button said, sitting at his desk the same way he had been the previous day, feet propped up. “Sit down. Don’t worry about anyone overhearing, I’ve got a load of spells on my doors and if anyone tries to listen in their ears will turn green for a week.”

Remus nervously sat down, keeping his satchel in his lap. “Good evening, sir. Er. How are you?”

Button swung his feet off the desk and sat up, eyes narrowed. “Have you written to your parents about me?”

“Ahhhrrr, no,” he said, bewildered. “Should I?”

“No. That’s one thing I should have mentioned yesterday. Probably best not to mention my name to them at all.” Button pushed his hat back and folded his arms. “Your father hates me.”

Remus was startled by this. “You know my father?”

“Knew,” Button corrected, fiddling with his hat brim now. “Back when he worked at the Ministry and spewed his shit all over the place about how werewolves needed to die. Ana hasn’t told me much, but it was Greyback that bit you, right?” Remus slowly nodded. “After the ordeal at the Ministry in 1964?”

“I—ahh—yes.”

“He’s a vengeful one,” Button muttered.

Remus shot to his feet, discomfort seizing him. “Do you know him?” He hadn’t thought of that, the possibility that Button actually knew the monster that bit him. Was he one of the ones Button helped? Suddenly he felt very cold.

Button watched Remus with amusement then motioned for him to sit back down. “Hardly. I’ve met him once or twice. He’s an asshole. Gave in to his feral side. The sort that gives werewolves a bad name. He is one that should be locked up.” He flicked his wand and conjured some tea, pouring two cups. “My sympathy is for those who are simply trying to continue their lives. To be human. How do you like your tea?”

“I’m not… thirsty… oh, er, thank you,” he said as Button pushed the cup over anyway.

Button stirred some sugar and milk into his cup, the spoon mixing it together on its own. “Fenrir Greyback is one of the few that if I saw someone throwing a silver dagger at what’s left of his heart, I wouldn’t do a damn thing.” He tapped the spoon oddly delicately against the saucer and then sipped his tea. “In any case, we were discussing your father. Lyall Lupin. I can’t imagine he was pleased when you became a werewolf. One of the most outspoken wizards I’ve ever met, constantly demanding what little we do give your lot to be taken away. I hope, for your sake, he’s changed.”

Remus looked down at his tea, not sure how to answer. “I don’t know how he feels about other werewolves, but… he loves and protects me. He and my mother have given everything up to take care of me and make sure I’m safe.”

“Biscuit?”

“Thank you.”

“That’s good.” Button dipped his own biscuit in his tea. “We clashed a few times. Might have called him some names. Threw him once.”

Remus choked on his biscuit. “You threw my father?”

“Yes,” Button replied, avoiding his gaze. “I was aiding a young witch who wanted to be put on the register, and he ran into us. Told her she should be executed. So I picked him up and threw him. By the way, it’s a good thing you’re not on the register. Another thing we need to talk about.” He swallowed the last bit of his biscuit. “Never do it Very few werewolves do add themselves to the register.” He picked up another biscuit and stared at it rather resolutely. “Most of them end up dead.”

Remus jerked in surprise.

Button gave him a wry smile. “They’re unable to find work at all. Sure, without being in the registry you have to keep yourself quiet and take on shit jobs… but on the registry? You’ll never find work. This results in extreme poverty, worse than taking on shit jobs. Leading into depression and often suicide. Or desperation, and end up executed for giving into said desperation.” He dunked the biscuit. “I only know one werewolf on the British Ministry of Magic’s register who has been on it for more than twenty years, and she has a rich brother who helps take care of her.”

Remus stared at his own biscuit, at the tiny bite taken out of the side. “Doesn’t the Ministry have a support system?”

“They used to,” Button explained. “It was disbanded a while back, since nobody ever used it. Since nobody ever came to register. Plus the lawmakers put too many hoops to jump through to get any kind of money for that department. Nobody wanted a job there.”

“So we’re supposed to go in, sign this agreement which supposedly lets us live peacefully with regular magic folk… but then we’re not allowed jobs, and get no help whatsoever,” Remus said flatly.

Button clicked his tongue. “Got it in one, Remus. Strictly speaking, you are allowed to find work however there are no rules or laws whatsoever protecting you from being fired for being a werewolf. Since the registry is open to everyone…” He trailed off and shrugged. “Perhaps you might be lucky and find employment somewhere with someone who doesn’t mind but the likelihood is very slim. That’s one thing I help with.” He swallowed the last of his second biscuit. “I know who is comfortable hiring werewolves. However, if anyone finds out they employ werewolves… big chance they’d go out of business.”

“What sort of job?” Remus asked, feeling slightly excited about this. Maybe he didn’t need to work in the thrift shop his entire life!

But Button looked away. “Mostly janitorial work or restocking.”

Remus went very still. “Janitorial or restocking.”

“I know a potion master who hires werewolves to help gather dangerous ingredients,” Button said, “but he only hires on two at a time and he has two right now.”

“My father… works at an antiques shop,” Remus said slowly, feeling the excitement drain away. “The owner wants to leave it to him when she dies. I can work there.” He pressed his fingertips against his eyelids, feeling the steel bars of a cage snapping shut around him. The flicker of hope for a life not working at the shop had been blown out. “I am working there, during the summer holidays.”

Button was nodding. “And it’s shit, isn’t it?”

Remus nodded back. “I shouldn’t complain, but yes.”

“Fuck that.” Button drained the last of his tea and stood up. “You should complain. You have everything to complain about. Your life is fucked up and unfair. Don’t ever feel like you shouldn’t complain! And you? You’re worse off than all the other werewolves I know!”

Remus couldn’t help but stand as well. “How am I worse off? I—I have parents that take care of me, and I am able to—to come here to school!”

Button gave him a long, leveled look. “Yes, and all of them were bitten even older than you are now.”

He saw what Button was getting at, and folded his arms, hunching his shoulders. “P’raps it’s better not to have a life that was snatched away, and instead only know this.”

Button was beside him in the blink of an eye, his huge hand grabbing Remus’s tiny arm. “Nobody deserves that. Nobody. You weren’t even five years old. You lost—“ Button stopped and released him, groaning a bit as he sank against his desk. “I don’t even know how you survived. Nobody’s survived that young. Do you know how it happened?”

Remus went back to folded arms and hunched shoulders. “Considering the fact I was four and a half and practically dying, no. I don’t know much other than my mother worked very hard at keeping me alive.”

“Is she good at healing spells and potions?”

This felt awkward. “She’s a Muggle.”

Button looked at him in disbelief, slowly pushing himself off the desk to stand. “Did she use Muggle methods?”

“No. I don’t think so. I mean, probably some.” Remus rubbed his forehead now, not wanting to relive that horrible memory. “She used potions. I don’t know exactly. She—she doesn’t like talking about it. I only know the little I do from seeing the memory with Fawley.”

He was sitting back on his desk. “Can I see your bite mark?”

Remus’s hand immediately went to his arm. “I…”

“I know it’s a private and sensitive thing,” Button said, now sounding remarkably gentle. “I know for some it’d be less shameful showing their genitals. If you don’t feel comfortable, I understand and you do not have to show me.”

Remus pulled his sleeveless jumper off then unbuttoned his top nervously. He was wearing a short-sleeved top however it was a very baggy one, whose sleeves went down past his elbow. Swallowing, he tugged it off, standing in only a vest from the waist up. He wanted to put his hand over his scar but allowed Button to look at it. Button asked permission to get a closer look and to shine a light on it. Remus nodded, feeling grateful that he had asked instead of just doing. Then Button asked if he could touch it. Remus seized up, and was going to say yes even though he didn’t want to, but Button saw his physical reaction and said he wouldn’t, moving away before Remus could say anything else about the matter.

“This is a surprising mark,” Button said, turning his wand off and sitting back down. Remus gladly got redressed. “Most people are mauled. That is a single bite. No other wounds?”

“Did Miss Fawley tell you about it?” he asked, and Button shook his head. Remus turned so his back was to him as he rebuttoned his top. “A vampire took me to Greyback, and Greyback bit me, licked the bite, and then backed off. The vampire told my father to—to—to enjoy his soulless son. Then they disappeared. Professor?” He finished buttoning the top and was pulling the jumper back on, watching as Button got up and kicked over the rubbish bin. “Did I say something wrong?” He pulled his robes on and sat back down.

“No. It’s just so calculated. Greyback bit you with restraint,” Button hissed out. “To make sure you’d become a werewolf. I never expected—I knew he enjoyed turning people but… never realized he…” He stopped, and went over to the window, staring out it in silence for a moment. Remus picked his tea back up and this time sipping at it. It was still quite warm, as if it had just been poured. “He’s tried biting children before.” Remus looked over, but Button was still staring out the window. “Still does. Not often. They just die. You are the youngest werewolf I’ve ever heard of. Not at fourteen, I mean. At four.” Button finally turned to look at him again. “I’m assuming not, but has Greyback ever tried to contact you?”

Remus’s tea sloshed over the side of his cup and onto his leg. “Ahhh, no. No. I never—I don’t think he would.”

“Maybe he thinks you died too.” Button returned to his desk and sat down with a whumph. “Your father withdrew from everything. You were never in public until Hogwarts, correct?” Remus nodded. “I don’t know if Greyback is even aware of your existence. Of course… who knows what that asshole knows or doesn’t know, and I don’t want to waste our time theorizing about him.” Button waved his hand, as if wiping away the conversation. “I’m here to talk about you. What have we covered so far? Register, work, your father, your bite, Greyback. Hmph. Another question. Are you comfortable if I ask you things about yourself?”

“Sir? I’m not sure I understand…?”

Button tapped his desk with his wand a few times and a drawer popped out. He fished a notebook out, holding it up. “May I keep notes about you? I just said you’re the youngest werewolf I’ve ever heard about. In recorded history. Now, there are certainly other werewolves who were turned at a young age that were kept hidden. You’re special, kiddo, but you’re most likely not one-of-a-kind.”

“What about if a werewolf has a baby?” he asked. “Is the child a werewolf?”

Button snorted. “You go right for the center of things, eh? Well, we don’t know. There is next to nothing about a werewolf child being born between a werewolf man and a human woman.”

“What about to a werewolf gir—er, woman?”

“They miscarry,” Button said, putting his notebook back in his desk. “On the very, very rare occasion they are born… they tend to be born during the full moon, and are a different variety of werewolves altogether. They’re wolves all the time: highly intelligent, oh yes; beyond intelligent. Human intelligence. But wolves nonetheless. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, though, a werewolf woman miscarries during her transformations due to the stress on the body. There is nothing in history regarding a werewolf human giving birth while she is human. Has it happened? Probably. We just don’t know. Same for a werewolf man and a human woman. There’s simply nothing about it. Has it happened? Oh, more than probably. Easier that way than the other. You look uncomfortable.”

“I, er, no. I’m fine.” Remus felt himself go red and quickly sipped at his tea.

“Either you’ve very interested in sex or frightened of it.”

Remus choked on his tea now.

“Ah, the latter. Probably for the best. You asked about kissing before, didn’t you?”

Remus set the cup down, getting flustered. “Yes. I—hhhrr—well, my—my friend, see—it wasn’t—“ He wiped the tea dribbling down his chin. “My friend and I both wondered what it was like to kiss so we did, it meant nothing. We are only friends.” He knew how red he was going, and was afraid of what Button might say if he knew he had a boyfriend. Button probably hated people like him. He’d need to tread carefully, so this secret didn’t come out. “I know I can’t have a girlfriend.”

“Why can’t you have a girlfriend?” Button asked, sounding surprised.

Remus looked up at him, confused. “I’m a werewolf.”

“So? Cut yourself some slack, kiddo. Your life is gonna be shit. Might as well do some exploring. Now, I am not here to talk about that stuff so we are going to move on.”

Remus felt slightly disappointed. “But what if—“

“You want my advice?” Button cut him off. “Don’t date. Teenagers are dramatic pieces of shit, and you’re just going to end up hurt or hurting someone whether you’re a werewolf or not. Wait till you’re an adult.”

Remus blinked. “Would you be saying that if I wasn’t a werewolf?”

“Yes.”

“Ah.”

“Now, moving on.”

Button checked his watch for the time and then sighed, pulling a sheet from his desk and sliding it over. It was a short test on the history of werewolves and laws surrounding them, mostly so Button could figure out exactly what Remus knew regarding them. Remus bent over the paper, scribbling away, not sure how much time he had or how lengthy he should go. Button hadn’t given him a time constraint. He wrote down generic answers then went back and started filling them in more in depth. When he finished and Button still didn’t say anything, he went back and added even more.

“All right, is it taking you that long?!” Button finally demanded, snatching the paper out of his hands. His eyes went a bit wide as he studied the words before him. “Hufflepuff’s tits, boy, I ask for some answers you give me a book.”

“I…” Remus cringed back, feeling bad now about his responses. “I wasn’t sure how much you wanted me to put. I didn’t know how much time I had so when you didn’t say anything I… fixed them.”

Button sat down, lips moving as he read to himself. “I expected you to tell me when you were done.”

“I am sorry, sir, I didn’t know.”

Button slapped the paper down. “I must say. Your knowledge is very impressive. Ana and Charlemagne were right.”

“You know Professor Charlemagne?” Remus sat upright, getting excited and also a bit confused since he really wasn’t sure how Button and Charlemagne would have met.

Sure enough, “No. I meant from his notes about the students.” Button carefully folded the paper up. “He also suggested, very strongly, for whoever took over his position to make you their assistant. Which I won’t be doing,” he added when he noticed Remus lighting up once more. “You won’t have time for that. If we’re spending time together, it’s going to be about this. Sorry, kiddo. Now we definitely don’t have any time to go over much else since you need to go to Ana but I did want to discuss one more thing.”

He folded his hands together and leaned forward.

“I want to teach you the single most important spell a werewolf could ever know.”

Remus frowned, trying to think of what it might be. Apparation? He couldn’t know that until he was seventeen, legally. Then again werewolves weren’t legal. Still, that seemed not right. What else was there? “Sir?”

“The memory charm.”

Remus’s mouth hung open at that until Button told him to close it, which he did, snapping it shut and then swallowing. Fear crept through his body. “Obliviation?” he rasped out. “That’s… beyond Hogwarts, though.” Button simply looked at him. “I mean, I—I know some seventh years have learnt it with permission from the Ministry, if their—“

“Ministry won’t know,” Button cut him off. “Why the hell would they know?”

“I—er, that isn’t what…” Remus stopped talking since all he was doing was fumbling with his words. He took in a deep breath and tried again. “Aren’t I too young to learn it? That is a very advanced spell.” It was also a very dangerous spell. Some people in history had argued it should be an Unforgivable spell, but due to its handiness with Muggles the Ministry never even attempted to push that forward.

“It is,” Button agreed, leaning back in his seat. “Also the most powerful weapon for a werewolf to yield. I think you can do it. You’re talented enough. It’s imperative you learn this spell. Most of our lessons together are going to consist of you doing your damned best to learn this. It could easily save your life one day. Or give you enough time to escape.”

Remus’s fingers twitched and he began tugging at the hem of his jumper. Obliviation? At fourteen? A spell that involved sliding ones magic into someone’s brain and messing with their memories? A spell that could very easily ruin a person’s brain completely? He began shaking, and slid his hand into his robes sleeves to start scratching at his wrists.

“If done wrong the obliviation spell could do severe and irreparable damage on someone,” he said stiffly.

“True.”

“You want to teach a fourteen year old that.”

Button’s eyes glittered. “I want to teach a werewolf that.”

His breathing became difficult, as if there were a great weight on his chest. If left on its own, he knew the feeling would spread. There was every likely parts of his body would go numb and he’d start floating away. He pushed down against the chair, nails digging into his wrist until they gouged through his skin. The pain was sharp, bringing him back to reality.

“No. I can’t do that. I—I can’t do that,” he panted out. “It’s too dangerous. I could—it’s not—“

Button stood up. “You will learn it.” It was an order. Not an option. “That is one of the other things I do to help werewolves. Most of them… they can’t learn it. It’s far too advanced. It is difficult and precarious. However going over your history with this class as well as things Ana has said, I have faith that you can learn it even at fourteen. Advanced magic does not mean you have to be a certain age to do it, it just means it is uncommon for someone younger to learn it. And you are a very uncommon young man. Stop hurting yourself.”

Remus looked down, seeing blood oozing out from his robes sleeve. He pulled his hand out, marveling slightly at the blood smeared across his hand. Before he could do anything, Button came over and pushed back his sleeve, showing the gouges he had made.

“Fuck’s sake.” He released Remus’s hand and went to get some potion out of his desk, practically throwing it at him.

“I’ll heal,” Remus said automatically.

“Ohhh, really? I had no idea,” Button drew out, plopping back down in his chair. “That’s a cleaning potion, to get rid of the blood. ‘I’ll heal’. Pfft.” Remus’s face must have fallen because Button groaned. “I’m not trying to be mean. Er, sorry. I know you’re not used to talking to people who know about everything you can do.”

Remus uncorked the bottle. “It’s fine.” He splashed the liquid on his hands and then accepted a handkerchief from Button to wipe the blood away. It also cleaned his sleeves. “Is there anything else?” He was hurt a little, but tried not to show it. Button’s sarcasm had made him feel stupid, and he hated feeling stupid.

“Not tonight. We’ll meet again on Tuesday, but I’ll see you before then. Do some research on the memory charm. If you have any questions about anything… anything at all… don’t hesitate to come to me, all right? Unless it’s teen drama, keep that for Ana.”

“Thank you, sir.” Remus pocketed the note and stood up, shouldering his bag. “Er, have a good evening.”

He gladly left the office and hurried a few corridors down before collapsing. That had been a lot. More than he expected, although he didn’t even know what he had expected. He ran his hands through his hair a few times, taking in deep gulps of air before getting up; he needed to meet with Fawley within minutes. Hopefully the Marauders were already there or on their way.

Memory charm, he thought as he hurried through the corridors. That’s not… I can’t, though. Fawley couldn’t have known he intended to teach Remus that spell… did she? She can see my memories, so she could very well see that one. He can’t hide it from her. I can’t hide it from her.

The Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and teacher’s office was on the third floor, so it didn’t take Remus very long at all to get to the fourth floor, outside the room where Fawley met them for Occlumency. He didn’t see his friends but when he opened the door, they were in there already. The three were crowded around Fawley, all of them talking excitedly about their summer. Remus went over, hugging Fawley and then perching on the sofa, waiting for their conversation to die down. He did notice the only thing Sirius talked about was the day at Peter’s, as if that was the only thing he did in the summer.

“Right,” Fawley said, and the three others sat on the sofa as well, crowded together in a row like obedient little ducklings. “We need to figure out which night is best to meet for Occlumency. I know we can’t make a final decision yet, until we know James’s practice schedule. But since that is a couple of weeks away, I would like to meet in the meantime. Besides, Albus expects me to be meeting with Remus.”

“Any night is fine with me until Quidditch,” James said.

“I’d rather not Wednesdays,” Peter said, “cause Photography club meets on Wednesdays and we don’t get out until seven-fifteen, so that’s only forty-five minutes until curfew.”

“Fridays are the busiest day,” Remus admitted. “And I can’t do Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

“So, Mondays, then?” Fawley asked. “Until James gets his schedule, I mean. Peter, if we have to switch to Wednesdays, I could have James from seven to seven-thirty, and then you until—wait, curfew isn’t at eight anymore for you, is it?”

“Nope!” Sirius said cheerfully. “We get to be public menaces legally until nine now.”

“Oooh, right,” Peter breathed out. “I s’ppose Wednesdays would be fine then. I just didn’t want to cut my lesson short for curfew.”

“Mondays,” James said, bouncing a bit. “Sounds good to me!”

Now that that was settled, they went back to talking. The others began complaining about Button, and Fawley turned her head towards Remus. She voiced her surprise that they didn’t know which made them want to know what they didn’t know. Remus said he wasn’t sure what all he was supposed to say or not, and Fawley said that they might as well know, then told them that Button was a werewolf sympathizer and was strictly at Hogwarts to help Remus, in guise of the Defense teacher.

“Is that what you’re doing with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays?” Sirius inquired.

“Yes,” Remus admitted. “As I said, I wasn’t sure what all I should say. And Button doesn’t know you know. Right?”

“He doesn’t,” Fawley confirmed. “I don’t think he would be happy about it. He hates children and thinks they’re all, er, not so good.”

“Pieces of shit,” Remus said.

“Remus!”

“Sorry, Miss Fawley.”

“So,” Peter said, nodding, “he does want to kill us.”

Sirius folded his arms. “Does he think we’d betray Remus?”

“Most likely, if he knew you knew,” Fawley said gently. “Perhaps over time as he gets to know Remus, and gets to know you three, he would be more open to it. But for now I think it should remain a secret.”

They talked a bit more until Fawley said she had to go, but Remus asked if he could talk to her privately for a moment. The others left and the door swung shut. Remus sat on the couch, fiddling with his robes sleeve, trying to figure out the best way to tell her. He suddenly felt awkward, like he did with Lily. Miss Fawley waited patiently, and finally Remus said the easiest way would be to see the memory.

“This wasn’t supposed to be a session,” Fawley said.

“It isn’t, I won’t use Occlumency,” Remus promised, taking her hand and putting it to his forehead. “I’m too scared to actually say it, is the thing, so showing you is easier.”

It took a moment of Miss Fawley flipping through some of his memories for him to force the one needed to the forefront of his mind. It was always strange, forcing a memory in Legilimens; when they had been trying to see the memory of when he was bitten it had taken a long time. However this memory was only a few days old, and easily brought up.

“What do you mean?” Remus asked. “More official than what?”

“Boyfriends,” Aegis replied.

Then the memory flipped to them kissing at Hogwarts, and then them holding hands in front of Lily. That was enough, and Remus nudged at Fawley so she withdrew from his head. He chewed at his thumbnail, not sure how she’d respond. It didn’t really surprise him to see she was smiling.

“You took my advice,” she said.

“Yes…” He slid back against the couch, poking at the cushion now. “I still don’t know how I feel about the whole thing but every time he… he asked me out I—I didn’t want to say no. And… when he asked me that… I knew I shouldn’t but I wanted to.”

Fawley took his hand in hers. “There’s nothing wrong with that. I am very happy for you, Remus. I trust you’ll be careful. Besides, Aegis seems like a very nice young man. I will try to avoid any memories when it is just the two of you, to give your privacy. Oh, this is wonderful!”

“You really are happy for me,” he said, smiling in spite of himself.

“Of course I am.” She put her hand under his chin for a brief second. “You deserve to feel normal.”

He made a face. “I still hate the fact I’m lying to him and—and hiding this.”

“I know, dear, and if it gets to be too much for you then you can end your relationship,” she reminded him. “This isn’t a forever promise you’re making to him. It isn’t magically binding.” He nodded, a bit glum, a bit happy. “Is that all you needed to talk to me about?”

“Oh, one more thing. About Button. Our meeting went… er, well, I suppose…” He began nibbling at his nail again. “He wants to teach me the Memory charm. I don’t know if you knew… that…” He trailed off as her face grew stormy. “Ooh. I, er, take that as you did not know.”

“I knew he would want to,” she said through clenched teeth. “I told him you were too young.”

“I am too young,” Remus agreed. “He says I should learn it, though.”

Fawley tapped her forefinger against the end of her cane, sighing. “That is entirely your decision. I can’t tell you one way or another, so I’ll simply give you my thoughts on the matter. If anyone can teach you how to use that spell, it’s Ant. He is an expert. And it is something werewolves should know. That being said, it is very difficult and is going to be exhausting; you have a busy schedule as it is. If you do decide to do it, it’s going to be very challenging.”

A prickle down his spine at that word. Challenging. “Yes,” he agreed slowly, turning the word over and over in his head. It would be challenging… and rewarding. Imagine knowing that spell before becoming an adult. A ripple of anticipation went through him, and suddenly he realized he did sorta want to to give it a try. He liked challenging himself magically, and this would be quite the doozy. Hopefully not too much though. He’d have to put trust in Button not to let things get too out of hand, which was a scary thought. “That helps a lot. I might make out a list of pros and cons. Thank you.”

They hugged tightly and then separated, Remus returning to his friends. It was headed towards eight and he felt the need to return to the dorms after two years of having that be the curfew, but the others wanted to go outside; they still had over an hour before they had to be in the dorms, and they wanted to take advantage of the fading light and their new curfew as much as possible.

Chapter Text

After meeting with Button twice and knowing more about him, Remus wasn’t sure what to expect on Friday morning as they headed to Defense Against the Dark Arts. Button was at the blackboard as the students filed in, his back to everyone as he wrote things down by hand instead of with magic. The classroom was set up differently, as it seemed to be every year. This time all the desks were spread out sporadically, not in any even rows or columns which made Remus’s brain itch. Sometimes a couple of desks were grouped together, others were by themselves. Remus followed his friends to four desks that had been put together near the window in a sort of semi-circle facing Button.

There were shelves along the walls, as well as aquariums and cages with various creatures. The Marauders’ desks were near a large, swampy aquarium where a light bobbed in the fog. The glass must have been magicked since Remus didn’t feel any desire to follow the light.

Suddenly Button whirled around and lobbed the piece of chalk as hard as he could towards a group of Hufflepuffs, one of which deflected the chalk last second with a spell while her friends cowered.

“Oh yeah, he throws stuff at us,” Peter whispered into Remus’s ear.

Button’s gaze shifted towards them and a book came flying from behind them towards Peter’s head. Remus put a shield up, knocking the book aside and looking at Button slightly horrified.

“No whispering,” he growled. “Pettigrew, what did you say?”

Peter quivered in his seat. “I w-was telling Remus that—that you threw things at us. Er, sir.”

“If you have something to say, it can be said to us all,” Button said, sitting down on his desk so hard that Remus was surprised it didn’t break. “Lupin, you weren’t here for my first two lessons, I don’t give a shit. You can get notes, I’m not going over anything again.” He pushed his hat back and looked around the room at each student. “We’ll start with questions about our last lesson, if any of you can even remember it. No questions?” he asked when nobody moved. “Fine then. Either you’re all brilliant or you’ve forgotten everything. So: a quiz.” There was a loud groan. “Best spell to defend against a veirdrak?” A few hands shot up, including Remus’s. Button looked around then chose Stephen Yardley, who did not have his hand up at all.

“Er.” He looked panicked. “It’s, erm, the—darkness spell.”

Button threw a mug at Yardley who ducked; the mug thumped against the wall behind him without breaking, and fell to the floor, rolling back towards Button. “Incorrect. Twycross?”

She lowered her hand. “Soundproofing yourself, since the veirdrak’s attack is sound-based.”

“Is it even legal for him to throw things at us?” Remus whispered to his friends then yelped, putting up a shield spell as the mug came flying towards him.

“Share with the class, Lupin,” Button growled.

Remus sank down in his seat. “I was just curious about the legality of throwing things at students.”

“Good question, I expect a twelve inch essay on the answer by Monday from all of you,” he said and there were groans, and several dark looks shot towards Remus.

“That hardly seems ffmfppph!” Remus’s words were cut off by Sirius clamping his hand over his mouth.

“Professor, what does that have to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts?” Simon Bones asked.

Button rolled his eyes. “Legal matters and Defense Against the Dark Arts go wand-in-hand,” he snapped, slamming one of his hands into the other. “Law enforcement and judicial matters are an offshoot of this. You need to know laws to be able to fully defend yourself in any situation. Defense Against the Dark Arts isn’t just shooting a spell at someone or a creature.” Button began pacing back and forth. “Dark matters come at you from all angles, including legally. Anyone know of any examples?” Nobody moved or spoke. Button sighed and went to the blackboard, tapping it with his wand to extend it, giving him more space to write. “Gideon Bellamy. Anyone know that name? No?”

He turned around, eyes sweeping across the classroom.

“In 1701, Gideon Bellamy poisoned and killed four people at a dinner party. Due to some archaic laws and excellent word-twisting, he got away with it. And got away with it a second time, poisoning two more people. Until a witch took it in her hands to change some laws, so when he tried a third time he was finally locked away.”

“How does someone get away with poisoning six people?!” Isobel Torres cried out.

Button sat back down on his desk. “To simplify the law used: if a witch or wizard creates a poison, and it is ingested knowingly by someone… it isn’t murder. Bellamy said he was open to his ‘friends’ about searching for a new, better poison to get rid of unwanted pests, and claimed he had implied, enough, at the dinner party that they had to have known what they were eating. Sole survivor at the dinner party admitted to Bellamy hinting, though made it clear they all thought he was joking.” Button shrugged. “Bellamy said he never intended it as a joke, and he was declared innocent. Similar defense the second time. Now we have laws that require written statements and agreements to testing a poison. So. Since you questioned me about what what legal matters have to do with this class: should Elenore Crowfell getting the laws changed be considered defending against the dark arts?” Everyone nodded, some a bit reluctantly. “There you go. You want more examples, look them up yourself. My point is made. Knowing laws is a defense against the dark arts in itself.”

Like stopping parents from abusing their children, Remus thought miserably, trying not to look at Sirius.

With that, Button went back to his quiz, asking rapid questions and calling on students who didn’t raise their hands. Many items were thrown, and a few hit the students but they didn’t seem to do much damage. When a goblet nearly hit Sirius, Remus picked it up before it could return to Button, and felt it had been spongified. It would probably sting a bit, maybe leave a slight bruise depending how hard it was thrown, but not do much damage.

“Don’t forget you have two essays due on Monday,” Button snapped, and then went into his office, shutting the door.

Remus sat there for a moment as everyone around him started gathering their things. “Is—was that a dismissal?”

“Yeah, he just stomps into his office,” James said.

“Took us ages on our first day to realize that meant class was over,” Peter said. “He had to stick his head back out and tell is to scarper off.”

“Thanks, Loopy,” Spinnet said as he went past them.

“Yeah, thanks,” Liang Pocklington echoed, turning around to glare. “Twelve bloody inches in a weekend!”

“About stuff that doesn’t even have to do with this class!” Evelyn Landers added, pushing past Remus and Sirius, purposely knocking Sirius aside. “Oh,” she sniffled, “didn’t see you there, Black.”

“He’s taller than some seventh years, how can you miss him?” James called after her, but then laughed. “She is bitter about you dumping her. Remy, you gonna help us with our new assignment?”

Remus was putting his things in his satchel, trying to avoid the glares of everyone else. “Yes, of course.” He’d write them all if he could. Why did Button have to go and do a thing like that? Why couldn’t he just punish Remus instead of making him a target? “I am very sorry, I didn’t… realize…”

“Oh, it’s okay,” James said as they finally left. “Twycross spoke up in the first class about something and got us a shorter essay to be turned in on Wednesday.”

Remus couldn’t help but ask, “What about? I mean, what did she speak up about?” He knew Twycross hated werewolves, and wondered if it had to do with that. Or if Button was going to just pretend werewolves were horrible monsters. Which he should, since they were.

”She asked if it was safe to have some of the creatures in the room,” Sirius said, leaning his elbow on Remus’s shoulder. “He asked her if she felt unsafe, she said yes, so he made us write an essay about proper containment.”

“Ooof.”

“The essay wasn’t so bad, and to be honest I don’t even know if he’s going to be grading us when he gives out these essays,” James said, running his fingers through his hair to make it spring up more. “I guess we’ll find out.”

Remus tried not to look too happy the nearer they got to the Charms classroom, but when he walked in and Aegis smiled at him, he hoped his smile back wasn’t too big. Even though the students were allowed to mix, the Slytherins typically stayed on one side and the Gryffindors the other. Remus sat with the other Marauders in the same seats they’d been in since year one.

The first part of the lesson was just a lecture but then Professor Flitwick talked a bit about the spell they were going to keep working on today, highlighting some of the explanations probably for Remus’s sake. He knew, from Lily’s notes, they were working on the crescus retinantus spell. It was similar to engorgio, but only used for plants. It made the plants grow bigger yet retain their magical or nutritious properties; it was very tricky, and while most could learn it well enough few could really master it. He watched as Flitwick reminded them of the wand movement and thought it looked a bit like a rune, so he sketched it down.

They were all given a tiny little pot with a small leafy vine growing out of the dirt. Mumbling Mint, one of the few magical plants whose magical properties could be used without doing much at all. All one had to do do was simply put the leaf in ones mouth and try to speak.

Remus’s plant was a bit smaller than everyone else’s. He licked his lips and bent in close, focusing on the magic inside of him, pulling it through his body and into his words and wand movement. “Crescus retinantus.” The leaves quivered a bit but otherwise nothing happened. “Crescus retinantus.” Around him the other students were chorusing the spell as well, with little to no results. He thought Lily’s had gotten a wee bit bigger.

“Engorgio,” he heard James whisper. “Professor Flitwick, look how well I’ve done!” he shouted happily, plucking the oversized leaf off the vine and putting it in his mouth. “Mmpoh mmph mmml!” Flitwick raised an eyebrow and headed over. James tugged the plant closer to his body, spitting the leaf out. “I should get loads of points for being so talented.”

“You should get loads of points for being so full of it,” Sirius muttered, causing Peter and Remus to snicker and James to kick him under their desks.

“Let me see the plant, Mr. Potter,” Flitwick said, and James held it up. “No, no. Hand it over.” James made a face and slid it across the desk. Flitwick put a leaf in his mouth. “As I thought. Nice try. Finite incantatem. Keep trying.” He put the pot back down in front of James. “And no shenanigans.”

“Shenanigans is my middle name,” James argued. “James Shenanigans Potter.”

“Isn’t your middle name Fleamont?” Abigail Nott asked from across the room.

“Isn’t your middle name ‘bugger off’?” James asked back, and she scowled.

“Mr. Potter,” Flitwick warned. “I suggest you settle down. If you continue to act out like this, I will be removing points from Gryffindor.”

“Sorry, Professor.”

By the end of class, nobody had really made their vine grow much bigger at all, except for a couple people whose leaves didn’t retain the magical property. Remus was frustrated at himself, not sure why he couldn’t do it. As they left, he flipped open the Charms book to see if he had been making a mistake. Or was it because the wandwork was a rune? He tucked his Charms book under his chin and then scrabbled in his bag before remembering Runes wasn’t on a Friday, so he didn’t have the book with him.

“Aegis!” He swerved from his friends and went over to his… boyfriend as he put his Charms book back in his bag. “The gesture we use for that spell is a rune, right?” He mimicked the movement with his hand, without his wand. “Doesn’t that mean ‘growth’?”

Aegis’s eyes widened. “Oh, yes. I do believe you’re right! I did not even realize that on Wednesday. Good eye, Remus.”

“D’you think because my runes are wobbly I might have had trouble with it?”

Aegis tilted his head. “Everyone is having trouble with that spell, not just you.”

“Yes, but—“ He quickly shut his mouth before he pointed out he was almost always the first one to get it right. He had missed the first Transfiguration lesson yet had already done better than everyone else with the hedgehog. “Thank you. Are we still meeting this evening for studying?”

“What?” James demanded from where he and the others were waiting. “You are not wasting your first Friday night back at school studying.”

“We have plans,” Sirius added, draping his arm across Remus’s shoulders. “Marauder plans.”

Aegis gazed at the arm on Remus and for a very, very instant, something flickered in his eyes, before he was smiling again. “If you can’t study tonight, I understand.”

“We can,” Remus said, squirming out from under Sirius’s arm. “We can study for a bit, then I can help with whatever Marauder plans we have. Plus I need to work on that essay for Button.”

“The one due Monday? Didn’t you say yesterday you already started it?” Aegis asked.

Sirius put his arm back around Remus’s shoulders. “Button gave us and the Puffs another essay today cause someone questioned something he did.” Sirius coughed and the hand on Remus’s shoulder turned into a pointed finger at him. Remus swatted Sirius, who laughed.

“Has he been doing that for you?” James asked.

Aegis shrugged. “Yes. The Slytherins and Ravenclaws had a six inch essay due today, from Wednesday, because Mulciber… said some things.”

“Six inches?” Peter asked. “Not fair, we got twelve!”

“We also have the entire weekend to do it in,” Remus pointed out. “How long was the essay you had because of Twycross?”

“Six inches,” James said.

Peter made a face. “Right, forgot about that.”

The next lesson was Muggle Studies, which Aegis took as well, so the five began walking down the hall together. Remus felt rather uncomfortable at Sirius not taking his arm off his shoulder, with Aegis right there. Having class together was one thing, walking together was something else entirely. Marauders. Boyfriend. Augh! It felt like he was walking through molasses or something, and he wanted to just run off.

As they walked, they discussed the hobbies which the decision was due today. Remus hugged his satchel, listening to his friends, no idea what he was going to do. It felt super cheap to go with knitting, but…

James cheerfully declared he was, for certain, going with juggling and hoped to be able to juggle flaming knives at some point. Sirius—arm still draped over Remus—said he was going for guitar. Peter had chosen scrap-booking, and Aegis told the other he was going to try painting. Remus said he still wasn’t sure, but by the time they reached the classroom he figured he might as well go with knitting. He didn’t really feel like trying to pick up a fully new hobby, not with his lessons with Button to deal with on top of everything else.

Professor Lewis greeted them, and added an extra hello to Remus saying how glad she was he was doing better.

“In our first lesson, we discussed anything Muggle we did over the summer holidays,” Lewis said, perching on her desk. She was in her sixties, and always wore her hair in a beehive hairdo and almost always in different colors. Today was pink. She had pink feathers hanging from her ear along with gold dangly things, and a matching pink dress. “Did you do anything Muggle this summer?”

Remus sat down, sweating slightly over the fact he was being singled out. “Erm.” Was he… supposed to? He couldn’t remember any directions to do so. “I made a phone call. From a phone booth.”

Lewis clapped her hands in delight. “Wonderful! Does everyone remember what a phone is? We’ve gone over it before.” Only a few hands raised, and she sighed. “Right. A telephone is a device Muggles use to talk to one another over great distances.” She tapped her wand against the blackboard and the chalk began drawing a rudimentary sketch of a telephone. “Remus said he used a phone booth. This is a large metal and glass box with a telephone inside of it that is on the streets, so Muggles can use it if they need to make a telephone call to someone while they’re out and about. It takes money to do so. There is also a special version of it called a police box. These are usually made of wood, and they are only used to make a phone call to the police. You remember what the police are?”

“Oh, we remember,” James said and he, Sirius, and Peter all burst into giggles while Remus merely shook his head, smiling a little. He wondered if they had said their Muggle experience over the summer was driving a car, or getting slightly arrested.

Professor Lewis ended up talking about telephones for a while and then discussed other ways Muggles used to send messages. About their post service, as well as they also used to sometimes use birds just like wizards did, only they tended to use pigeons since they didn’t have any special connection to owls like magical folks did.

This year Muggle Studies only had a single block of time instead of two, which meant they had to finish up shortly after. She then had everyone come one by one to the front of the room to get their hobby as well as a how-to book along with it. James dragged the Marauders to the front to be first, and when he proudly said juggling knives, Lewis said there were no knives involved; she game him three squishy balls. For Sirius she had to go into the other room and bring a Muggle guitar out. Mostly Muggle. It was enchanted so the strings wouldn’t break easily, nor would the body. But it didn’t help the fingers out or anything. For Peter she gave him a few books and a bag of supplies like scissors, glue, and things like that.

“Knitting!” she said cheerfully, pulling some knitting needles out of the box along with a bag with some balls of yarn. For Aegis she had to go in the storeroom to get some canvases as well as the painting supplies but after they left the classroom, they split up since Aegis needed to take his things to the Slytherin dorm, and Sirius wanted to stash his guitar in the Gryffindor dorm until after Herbology.

“This is going to be so much fun,” James said as they made their way through the castle, tossing a ball into the air and catching it. “Look, I’m already a third of the way towards being an expert!”

Sirius put the strap around his neck and held the guitar very awkwardly, plucking a few strings. Peter said it sounded like a dying cat, and Sirius promptly replied that Peter sounded like a dying cat. Then he teased Peter about taking an easy hobby. Peter argued that it wasn’t easy, having to use Muggle tools to make the scrapbooks instead of spells. James rubbed Pete’s head, pointing out the fact Peter already knew how to deal with Muggle crafting, and Peter went a little pink around the ears.

“Remus already knows how to knit and you’re not picking on him!”

Sirius strummed the guitar again and sang, “Maybe I just prefer picking on you.” Peter gave him the middle finger and Sirius laughed, strumming the strings again.

“You do sound a bit like a dying cat,” James said.

“I hate you all. Remy, you like this?” He turned towards Remus and strummed the guitar.

It did sound awful, but Remus felt bad. “It’s not too terrible, I’m sure with practice you’re going to do brilliant.”

Another strum. “Remus likes me, that’s all I care about.” He then brandished the guitar at James, strumming it, until James threatened to throw his balls at him. Sirius wanted to know which balls, which sent all the Marauders into a fit of giggles that lasted the rest of the way to the tower.

*

After lunch was Remus’s only free period of the day, and he tried not to feel slightly jealous over the fact the other Marauders only had Herbology and then nothing else until Astronomy in the middle of the night. Once Herbology was done, Remus had to climb up to the Divination tower; while Divination was an interesting class, Remus felt awkward in it since he didn’t have any friends there. When his third year started, he and David Struthers were pleasant enough towards one another that they sat together and partnered up. Now, though, everything had changed, and Remus sat by himself.

Or until Hawkwood told everyone to partner up for palm-reading. Remus tried not to put his head in his hands or groan, and simply waited until everyone else was partnered up. When Hawkwood asked who the outlier was, Remus raised his hand; some of the Slytherins snickered. Kyra Pierce said he could join her and Simon Bones. Bones looked a little less than pleased but that didn’t bother Remus. He knew it had little to do with it being him and everything to do with the fact Bones had a massive crush on Pierce. As Remus went over, Bones quickly snatched Pierce’s hand to start analyzing it before Remus could. He ran his finger across Pierce’s palm and said she was fated to marry a redhead. Pierce snatched her hand away and smacked it on the back of Bones’s very red head.

“We’re working on the head line, not the heart line, doofus. But. Maybe you’re right,” she said, tossing her braids back. “Your brother Phillip is very cute.”

Bones rubbed the back of his head, scowling. “He’s a massive twat, besides he—he—he wouldn’t be interested.”

Pierce put her hand in Remus’s, making Bones scowl even more. Remus held Pierce’s hand to study her palm, trying to ignore both Bones’s glare, and his own anxiety over holding someone’s hand. At least it didn’t take too long to decipher something out of her head line, and he gladly released her hand. Bones thrust his hand towards Pierce who took it and said he didn’t have a head line at all which proved how stupid he was. They began squawking back and forth while Remus simply sat back and studied the palm reading section of his book until they were done with their fight. Bones angrily took Remus’s hand, his nail scratching slightly as he ran his finger along the lines.

“You overthink too much,” Bones said after consulting the book. “You worry too much. You’ve got memory problems—“

Pierce smacked him again and then took Remus’s hand. “He’s a blooming idiot. All right, okay, yes, this line does indicate you overthink but it also means, since Simon only wanted to focus on the negative, that you are very good at thinking and are very thoughtful about other people. This bit here says you’re… well, again, really smart and have the ability to think well. This bit here does indicate you worry a lot but it also means you prefer to be alone and are really thoughtful. I think Simon interpreted this as an island but it looks more like a star to me, which means you are very wise but suffer from a disease.”

Bones choked on nothing and then nearly fell out of his chair laughing while Remus and Pierce both glared at him. Hawkwood asked if there was a problem, and Bones climbed back into his chair, shaking his head, trying to suppress his laughter.

“It does not say that.”

“Does so. Look.”

Now they were both holding Remus’s hand, heads bent together as they had his hand close to their faces. He held his breath, trying not to yank his hand away while also starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with touch. It didn’t take long for their fingers to feel like blades against his skin.

“It’s an island, he’s got memory issues.”

“No, it’s got lines there, it’s a star.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s a star, but that’s an island.”

“Oooh, wait yeah, I see now, he’s got both.”

After a few more seconds of them both examining his hand, he couldn’t take it any longer. “May I have my hand back, please? Thank you.” Once they let go he pulled his hand into his lap and kept both his hands there in case they tried to grab at him again. The rest of the class was mostly him watching them decipher one another’s lines, and him trying to look at Bones’s hand without holding it too much.

I need to figure out a way to stop this, he thought after class was dismissed and he scrambled down the ladder to head to Arithmancy. He didn’t know what was wrong with him, that sometimes other people touching him physically hurt him. He had wondered, often, if it was a werewolf thing. He could ask Button. That thought surprised him so much that he stopped in his tracks, and the two Ravenclaws behind him ran into him, cursing at him as they went around him and calling him Loopy. I have someone I can ask now, pretty much anytime I need to. He started walking again, exhilarated by the realization. Whenever something crossed his mind and he wondered how human or inhuman it was… he could properly ask someone.

If he had the courage to go to Button, of course; Button still scared him a bit.

Aegis was waiting down the corridor from Arithmancy, his entire face lighting up when he saw Remus; he ran over rather happily, and when their hands bumped one another an uncomfortable shudder went through his body. Aegis walked close next to him, and Remus suppressed the urge to step away. This was even worse than he thought; his boyfriend shouldn’t be making him feel this way.

Remus knew from Lily’s notes that they were actually starting in on the magic number, so Remus wasn’t too far behind when Professor Talkalot jumped right into it. There were many ways to find out different variations of ones magic number, with the main one taking in all aspects of ones wand. Remus’s wand was cypress, which reduced to a six. His core was unicorn hair which, in Arithmancy, would just be unicorn which reduced to a four. The length, rounded down, was ten. All together they added to twenty, which reduced to a two.

“If your magic number matches your life path number, then this is a very good sign,” Talkalot said, pacing back and forth. Remus chewed his quill, then raised his hand. “Yes, Mr. Lupin?”

“My life path number is a master number, do magic numbers include master numbers?”

“No, in this case you would reduce your master number to its core,” Talkalot said, writing this down on the blackboard which Remus copied. “What is your life path?”

“Eleven.”

“And your magic?”

Remus blushed slightly. “Two.”

Talkalot turned around. “No wonder you were asking about that. That is exactly what I mean. Mr. Lupin is a prime example. His magic is in perfect harmony and balance with his life, and he should have very little difficulty doing spells, or even making them. Does anyone else have a matching magic and life path number?” Only one other hand raised. Snape. “Oh, very good, we rarely have anyone in class with this, let alone two.” Talkalot nodded happily while Snape glowered at Remus, as if he were angry about the fact they had something in common. “Now. Let us work on matching your magic number with your soul number, which is something else entirely…”

Despite loving his lessons, Remus was glad when classes were over for the day. Even better was after supper when he managed to get away from the Marauders to go meet Aegis. Despite still feeling yucky with touch, once he and Aegis were alone, he didn’t react (or tried not to) when Aegis took his hand; and when Aegis kissed him, he managed to sort’ve kiss back although it was extremely awkward and probably not very pleasant. Then they sat on the floor, both cross-legged, their knees bumping together as they talked about their days. It was mostly nice. Except Aegis kept holding his hand.

“Are you all right?” Aegis finally asked. “You look a little pale.”

“I’m always pale,” Remus replied with a smile.

Aegis gave him a look back. “Your hands are clammy, and trembling.” He put his other hand over the one he was holding, encapsulating it and sending worse pain along Remus’s skin; it became more of a struggle to keep his hand there. “You’re not getting sick again so soon, are you?”

“No.” Remus sucked in some air and decided to try a different tactic. Maybe… maybe it was mostly just his hands. Besides, he needed to try to get better at kissing anyway, right? He pulled his hand away and then leaned in, accidentally slamming his nose into Aegis’s instead of giving him the romantic kiss he pictured in his head.

Slamming quite hard.

Both boys jerked back, hands flying to their lower faces.

“OW!”

“I am so sorry!” Remus gasped out, staring in horror at the blood now dripping out of Aegis’s nose. “Oh Merlin, I—you’re bleeding. Your nose is bleeding.”

“It is fine!” Aegis promised, grabbing his satchel and fishing for some healing potion. He dabbed a bit onto the end of a handkerchief and gently put the end up his nostril. “It’s fine. Are you…?”

Remus pulled his hands back a bit, relieved to see he hadn’t bled any. His nose was already feeling fine. “No, not as bad as yours. Oh God.” He buried his face in his hands. “Please don’t ever tell Lily.”

“I won’t,” Aegis laughed.

“How is it you—when you kiss me, it seems so… so… easy!” he half-wailed.

Aegis snorted which made the handkerchief come out, although his nose was no longer bleeding. “Remus. You… did sort of go for my face a bit like a Seeker diving for the Snitch. Not that I don’t appreciate the enthusiasm,” he quickly added.

Remus fished a crumpled, slightly stained handkerchief from his pockets and dampened it with a spell, offering. “I really am… I don’t even know how I managed that.”

“It’s fine,” he said again, wiping the blood off his face. “We can try again.”

They kissed, properly, except all Remus could smell was a mixture of blood and healing potion which made him feel a little nauseated; this kiss lasted for several long seconds, longer than any of their previous kisses and Aegis moved his mouth a bit like Jean-Marie had. Just when Remus wondered when a kiss turned into a snog, they pulled apart, a little bit of saliva stretching a bit between their lips before it broke.

“I should let you take the lead in the kisses, I think,” Remus said, wiping the saliva off his chin. The kiss was nice although had made him feel horrible. It wasn’t just his hands, it was all over. The only thing that really consoled him was the fact it was everyone, not just Aegis. Even though it was frustrating that Aegis couldn’t somehow be an exception.

Aegis went pink, but looked happy. “I’m glad you like them.” He wiped his own chin off and then took Remus’s hand again. “I was thinking that since Pan and Lily both know, perhaps the four of us can have lunch together in Hogsmeade sometime and for you and me it could be a date.”

“I’d like that.”

They spent around an hour and a half together, mostly holding hands, kissing a couple of times, and then finally figured they should head back to their dorms. Neither wanted to however they knew there was only so much time they could spend together without arousing suspicion from the Marauders. As the weeks progressed and they started getting more homework, they knew they could probably spend more time together, but for now they had to keep things slow.

At least that was Remus’s excuse. He sort’ve did want to go and hide in his dorm, mostly so he could wrap himself up in a blanket and not be touched by anyone at all (but he didn’t tell Aegis that).

They kissed goodbye and then went on their separate ways; as Remus went up on the third floor he considered stopping by Button’s office to ask him about the touch thing. He hesitated, looking at the office door… then kept going, deciding not to worry about it yet. If it happened again, he’d ask. He just wasn’t quite ready to go to Button for something yet.

*

The first Friday night in the Marauder’s dorm was somewhat tame at first, as they had Astronomy at one in the morning. The Marauders played card games until it was time to go, and to Remus’s surprise when they arrived at the tower he found himself looking at a new teacher.

“Oh, yeah, Spring has a new assistant,” Sirius whispered in Remus’s ear. “Professor Bramblethorn. Spring can’t get up the tower steps anymore so he’s only teaching in the classroom now.”

Bramblethorn was a young dark-skinned Asian witch with very long hair and kind eyes. She was soft-spoken, but was as knowledgeable about Astronomy as Spring was, which was impressive since Spring had to be four times her age. They didn’t do much as the night was cloudy, but Remus decided he really like Bramblethorn… and he could tell a lot of the other boys liked her too, in a different way.

After class let out and the Marauders returned to their dorm, they stayed up super late, blasting music as loud as they could and sharing the bottle of firewhisky. Remus was a little anxious when James got it out, but they didn’t end up drinking much at all, thankfully. James poured some into four small cups, and that’s all they had the entire night. Granted, Sirius drank his very quickly and got a little tipsy from doing so. James’s lasted a bit longer, Peter’s longer, and Remus still had a little bit in the bottom of his cup when someone pounded at the door.

There was a lot of swearing as James stashed the bottle under his bed, and Remus grabbed his cup and swigged the last of it down then ended up choking. Sirius smacked his back as Peter turned off the record player and James cracked open the door.

“Hey,” Longbottom said, poking his head in. “Sorry to disturb you, but your music is a bit louder than the muffling spells you have on the door so could you turn it down just a bit? It well past two-thirty. You all right, Lupin?”

Remus nodded, still choking a bit.

“We were daring one another to eat disgusting beans,” James said cheerfully. “But are you really not going to yell at us or anything? Tell us to go to bed?”

Longbottom smiled. “As long as the music is turned down a bit, no. You’re in your dorms, it’s a Friday night. Have fun. Goodnight.”

“I like him,” James said after the door shut. “That’s how Prefects should be.”

He turned the volume on the player down and put the needle back on, returning to the floor. They wound up staying up another full hour playing various games, and then all four fell asleep on the Cloud, curling up together and drifting off one by one. At one point, though, Remus half-woke up and thought someone was stroking his hair but by the time morning came, he had forgotten all about it.

Chapter Text

James was the first one up on Saturday morning and promptly woke all his friends up too, around eight. Remus groaned and put his arms over his head while Sirius sat up next to him, blinking at the light streaming through the windows.

“For Merlin’s sake, we drank and were up till four in the morning!” he complained. “Doesn’t anything ever stop you?”

James paused from where he was opening more curtains. “You could try the killing curse.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Sirius moaned and flopped back, grabbing the pillow Peter was using and putting it over his own face.

“James,” Peter said, in a pleading voice. “Why are we up so early? Can’t we sleep in some more?”

“We have far too much to do, and very little time to do it in,” James said, clapping his hands. “Up and at’em, lads!”

Peter looked exasperated. “What the hell do we have to do at eight am on a Saturday?!”

James sighed, flopping back down on the Cloud and making everyone bounce a bit. “Animagus stuff!” he hissed out. Sirius pulled his head out from under the pillow and sat back up, interested now. “We need to work on it right away. The sooner we figure it out, the sooner we’ll be Animagus. The sooner we can have fun as Animagus. And help Remus.”

“Couldn’t it wait two more hours?” Peter asked, inching closer to Remus and snuggling up to him since he was the only other one laying down. Remus wrapped his arms around Peter and buried his face into Peter’s shoulder to block out the light, as Sirius got up off the Cloud. “One more hour?”

“One hour wasted when we could be learning to turn into animals,” James said loftily.

“One whole evening wasted, then, last night partying,” Remus mumbled into Pete’s arm.

James was silent for a minute. “That’s completely different. We have to party.”

Sirius sat back down, making the Cloud wriggle again. “Here.” Remus felt something pressing against him and he turned his head, squinting at a book. “It’s the book I stole from home.”

“Ugh.” Remus pushed the book away and this time buried his head under Pete’s arm.

“Remus turning a book away,” Sirius said in mock horror. Remus only moved his arm enough to put his middle finger up at Sirius. “Aw, come on.”

“I have my book too, but it’s all in Bulgarian,” James said.

“Right, because we can all read Bulgarian,” Peter said flatly.

James sighed. “Would you two stop being such dementors? We can get some sort of translation spell or something, and compare it to what Remus translates of the one Sirius has, and if they match up enough we know we’re getting somewhere. At least until we can find a book in English.”

Remus bolted upright, knocking Peter aside. “We are not going to find a book in English, James! It is highly regulated by the Ministry! Anything with explicit instructions is going to be next to impossible to find! And—and frankly, I wouldn’t trust those two books very much either.”

“He’s got a point,” Sirius said, flipping through his book. “Which gives me an idea.” He snapped the book shut, raising his eyebrows. “Most likely the only way to get our hands on an English copy is through illegal means. Weeee… could try Knockturn Alley.”

“Oh, God.” Remus flopped back and went to burrow under Peter again, however Peter sat up.

“Knockturn Alley?” Peter squeaked. “That’s—but that’s where—that’s full of dark stuff.”

“And illegal stuff,” James added. “Brilliant idea, Sirius. We’ll have to do disguises though. Polyjuice potion.”

“Oh, God,” Remus said again from under Peter. “Illegal potion to find an illegal book to do something illegal. You are all complete idiots!”

Sirius rolled over so he was on top of Remus. “We’ve known our idiocy for years, this isn’t anything new.”

Remus felt himself burning up at Sirius practically on top of him, arm around him. “Yes but this feels even stupider than normal, which is an astounding feat in itself.” He elbowed Sirius and then wriggled away from him, sitting up finally. “You know I don’t approve of any of us.”

“But you agreed to help,” James pointed out.

Remus ran his fingers through his hair, trying to flatten it down. “I am not helping you make a polyjuice potion so you can sneak into Knockturn to find a book. Who would you even turn into anyway? Because there is always the chance of turning into someone and it getting back to them that they were in Knockturn Alley trying to find Animagus stuff.”

That shut them up, at least for a few minutes. Then James suggested Peter’s dad. Peter flipped out, wanting to know why his dad, and James pointed out that Mr. Pettigrew was a Muggle so nobody would recognize him. Sirius then suggested they could simply go into London and getting some random hair off some random Muggle. Remus refused that, saying it wasn’t right to do that to some innocent person. Sirius pointed out it wasn’t right to do that to anyone, and no matter who they chose it’d be without their knowledge unless they could get an adult to help.

“Maybe we should tell Fawley our plan,” James suggested, and all three of them stared at him; Remus shook his head, knowing she would never agree. “Yeah. All right, probably not.”

“Even if it did get back to them that they were in Knockturn looking for Animagus shit, nobody would know who it really was anyway,” Sirius drew out, and James snapped his fingers, pointing at him. Remus merely groaned.

After the four of them got dressed, they went down to the kitchens to nick some breakfast and went outside. It was so early that hardly anyone else was out and about. Remus yawned as they sat under a tree, and picked at his breakfast. They began discussing again which adult they could ‘borrow’ hair from. The argument about a random Londoner happened again, which Remus desperately fought against. Then the idea of Sirius’s Uncle Alphard popped up, not to use hair from but to ask. Sirius shook his head, saying he’d trust his uncle with Muggle things but not illegal things.

James then wondered what would happen if you used hair from a couple of different people at once. Peter said he was pretty sure the potion would backfire and Remus suggested it might be a permanent backfire.

“It takes a month to make the potion anyway,” James said, finishing off his breakfast. “We have plenty of time to figure it out. Although I will say… if we choose someone we know, the higher the risk it will come back to us. If we choose some person off the streets… well, it’d be safer.”

“And how are you procuring some of the rarer items?” Remus inquired. “Like boomslang skin? Just… purchasing them again from Hogsmeade, so someone knows you’ve gotten them?”

James shrugged. “Why not? Worked the first time.”

“We should probably get them as soon as possible,” Sirius yawned. “Shall we sneak in today?”

“Yes,” James said at the same time Remus said, “No.”

Peter put his hands up. “I don’t care either way.”

“I’m not sneaking in on the first Saturday!” Remus complained. “I—I’ve only been here a couple of days anyway. If you lot want to sneak in, that’s fine. I can go spend time with… Lily.” He nearly said Aegis then changed his mind, not wanting to make it seem like he was going to spend all his spare time with the other boy. Although that was entirely his plan, if they went.

Sirius, however, changed his mind. “If Remus isn’t going, I don’t want to go. I want to spend time together, all of us.”

“Me too,” Peter added quickly.

James groaned. “Fiiiiiine, we can sneak in next weekend, and put this off another week.” He folded his arms, pouting a little bit. “I thought you were eager to get this in motion, Siri.”

“I am,” Sirius replied, “however unless we tie him up and bring him with us, Remy isn’t going to go into Hogsmeade. We spent a whole summer apart. I don’t want us all to split up on our first weekend.” Sirius trailed off a bit, eyes squinting. “Or you and I could quickly go in, get what we need, come back. If it’s just us two and we only get the ingredients it won’t take too long.”

“Remus and I can go back to sleep,” Peter suggested.

“I like that idea,” Remus added. “The sleeping part, not the buying-ingredients-for-Polyjuice part.”

Sirius laughed and tousled his hair, while James nodded, agreeing as well. Since they were all done eating, the four returned to their dorms, Remus a little grouchy about the fact he had been dragged all the way to the ground floor of the castle and now back up when he could have been sleeping instead. James got money out of his desk and he and Sirius left, while Peter and Remus curled up in Peter’s bed. It didn’t take long for either of them to fall back asleep, and Remus didn’t wake up again until nearly noon when James and Sirius returned. Not surprisingly, they had made an extra stop: Three Broomsticks. James had bought several bottles of butterbeer which he stashed in his trunk, and then, once they sat down to look through the ingredients for polyjuice… a problem arose.

They didn’t have the book anymore.

Sirius had nicked it from his family’s library the previous year, but returned it over the Christmas holidays. They remembered the ingredients well enough but not the process. Not enough to trust making it without the book.

“I don’t want to wait until the holidays for Sirius to steal it again,” James said sullenly. “I want to start now.”

“The Restricted Section probably has a copy of it,” Sirius said.

Remus chimed in that the Restricted Section also had loads of spells to prevent theft, and they wouldn’t be able to take the book out. Peter then brought up the idea of copying the pages. James flung an arm around Pete, yanking him close to kiss his cheek, before turning his sparkling eyes towards Remus who moaned, covering his face and agreeing because he hated saying no to his friends.

“At least this time we don’t have to worry about keeping it a secret from you,” James said. “That was the toughest part last year.”

While James and Sirius hid their potion ingredients, Peter and Remus went to the bathroom. Remus partially cornered Peter to ask why he had suggested copying the pages when he didn’t want to become an Animagus at all. Peter admitted that while he didn’t want to, he had enjoyed making the Polyjuice potion and was looking forward to doing it again because of how complicated and ‘fun’ it was.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” Pete whined.

Remus rubbed his face. “I’m not mad at you. I’m just… tired, really. It’s been a long week already.”

Peter eyed him. “That’s because you do too much.”

The rest of the day went by in a blur. Despite his exhaustion, Remus had a lot of fun as the Marauders pulled pranks and played games. One ‘prank’ involved filling several buckets with a water that was mixed with some blue coloring and itching powder; they also transfigured some sticks and stones into soft jellyfish and put the buckets up in random places to dump on people, as well as flat out dumping one of the buckets onto a gaggle of first year Ravenclaws that passed by. The jellyfish had also been enchanted with sticking spells.

They also tried sneaking into one of the storerooms for Defense Against the Dark Arts, to see what other creatures Button had locked up. Remus refused to go in, and was outside in the hall when Button emerged from the storeroom, physically holding Sirius by the back of his collar and throwing him out.

“Boy, he’s strong,” Sirius said in slight awe as he brushed himself off.

“Where are the others?”

“Hiding, they—“

Sirius was cut off by the door opening again and James and Peter being thrown out. Button glared at them then glared at Remus, informing them that they had fifteen points removed from Gryffindor and the next time he caught them in his storeroom, he’d be dying their thieving hands bright purple.

“What were we even looking for?” Pete asked as they walked away.

“Pixies,” sighed James. “I wanted to try to put one down Snape’s trousers.”

Throughout the day, Remus saw Aegis a couple of times but they were never able to do much more than give each other hopefully-not-too-obviously-longing glances; Remus still felt bad with how he had been the previous night, with being so… yuck with touch, and hoped that the next time they were able to get together he’d be better. If he wasn’t, he’d make himself.

After supper the Marauders went outside and stayed there until nearly curfew, running around and kicking a ball back and forth. They considered going to check out Fort Dragon—their special spot in the Forbidden Forest—but there were too many people outside to be able to properly sneak off. After curfew was spent in the common room for a while until they went up to their dorm, playing card games until nearly one in the morning.

Sirius and Peter were staying in the common room, while James and Remus snuck into the library. James wrapped the cloak around the two of them and they went down the stairs, Remus wishing he could be staying in the common room too; he was, unfortunately, the best one at copying papers. There were still some students in the common room despite the late hour, but he and James were able to slip out the entrance without anyone noticing. They weren’t even noticed by the Fat Lady, as she wasn’t in her portrait.

“Stop scowling,” James whispered as they tiptoed along the corridors. “We’ve made this potion before, it isn’t as if we’re making it for the first time. Oops.” James tugged Remus against the wall as a light bobbed far down the corridor. They pressed themselves back, watching as Filch came stalking down the corridor with his lantern. Once he was long gone, the two boys crept on. “Doesn’t he ever sleep?”

“Probably not.”

When they got closer to the library they had to push up against the wall again, this time as two older students passed by them; one Slytherin, one Hufflepuff. They were holding hands and giggling, pausing, at the end of the corridor, to kiss again before they ran down the steps.

James and Remus exchanged amused looks before continuing on their way.

“A badger and a snake.”

“It’s happened loads of times,” Remus pointed out. “Sirius’s cousin Andromeda, remember? She married that Muggleborn Hufflepuff.”

“It’s still funny to see,” James giggled. “Anyone outside Slytherin with a Slytherin is funny to see.”

Remus kept the smile on his face, trying not to flinch at that. “There’s nothing wrong with dating a Slytherin. They’re not all bad.”

James snorted. “Close enough.” Then he stopped and looked intently at Remus’s face. “You’re not… you don’t fancy a Slytherin, do you? Don’t you lie, either.”

Remus looked right into his eyes as he replied, “I promise you that there isn’t a single Slytherin girl who I’d ever date. I’m only saying that there are some nice Slytherins.”

“Yeah… I mean, Aegis, I guess,” James said as he started walking again.

“And Andromeda,” Remus said, not wanting Aegis to be the only name on James’s mind, even if he had no idea Remus was like that. “And Craggy, the president of the Photography club, she was always nice to Peter.”

He chewed at his bottom lip, crossing his fingers mentally that he got away with it. He hadn’t expected James to go all suspicious. That had come out of no where! But at least he seemed to accept what Remus said, which was the truth. There wasn’t any Slytherin girl he’d ever fancy. Or… any girl. Ever. But even with him saying ‘maybe Aegis’ he couldn’t help but wonder how his friends would react if they knew he was dating a Slytherin. A Slytherin boy. Which was worse than just a boy, to them, even if it was Aegis.

“You’re breathing hard,” James complained.

He clamped his lips shut. “Sorry.”

“You’re sweating, too.” They were both holding the cloak up and their hands were touching slightly, and Remus’s hands were indeed getting very clammy. “Stop getting so nervous about this!”

“I don’t like doing this,” Remus hissed back, glad he had a very good excuse for his little panicking. “Any of this. Including the Animagus stuff.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…”

Once they reached the library, Remus unlocked it and they went in a bit cautiously, in case Farrow was up and about for some reason. After making sure nobody was around, they scurried over to the Restricted Section. Which, admittedly, Remus had snuck into before, despite his protests to his friends. Just the previous year he had been in there, trying to find something to get rid of his gay feelings. Oof.

“What was the book called?”

“Most Potente Potions,” James said as he took the cloak off of them so they could peer at the titles.

“Lumos.” Remus held his wand close to the shelves, but not so close it would bother the books too much. A few squirmed under his light but most remained still. “Do you know who wrote it?”

“Nope.”

Remus sighed. Of course. He kept scanning along the low shelves and once he reached the end he cautiously pulled a stepladder so he could look a bit higher.

“Here it is!” James suddenly cried out, and Remus turned so fast he fell off the ladder. James dropped the book and dove to catch Remus, mostly so he wouldn’t fall into the other shelves and cause a mess. But the book landed with a loud THUMP! They exchanged looks then quickly set the book on one of the surfaces, James frantically searching the index as the books around them began rustling with annoyance over how one of their own had been treated.

James got the book open to the first page detailing the potion, and Remus carefully placed a piece of parchment over it. “Verbumias effingus.” They watched as a paled version of the contents underneath soaked into the parchment. Once the entire page was copied, James flipped the page and Remus grabbed a fresh sheet. “Verbumias effingus. Verb…” He trailed off on the third as they heard a cat meowing.

“Shit,” James hissed out. “Hurry up.”

Remus elbowed him. “It only goes so fast! Verbumias effingus! How many more pages?”

“I don’t know.” Once that page was copied, James flipped a bit to see. “Two. Most of this isn’t even important.”

Filch’s cat was right outside the Restricted Section, staring at them, tail swishing.

“Verbumias effingus, well, I don’t know what’s important and what’s not.”

“We just needed the—“

“Meeeerrrrrwwww!” Filch’s cat wailed.

“Come on!”

“Verbemias effingus.”

The door to the library opened as the final page leeched onto the parchment.

“Nox,” they chorused softly.

Filch’s lantern bobbed in the distance as James closed the book and jammed it back onto the shelf, while Remus tucked the parchment into his satchel. James threw the cloak over them and took off, slipping out of the Restricted Section just as Filch reached them. They were only two feet away as he passed them.

“What is it, my pet?” Filch asked, peering into the darkness. “Who’s there?” His cat was twisting around, staring after James and Remus. “I heard that!” Filch whirled around. “Footsteps. You think you’re so sneaky, don’t you…”

James slipped his wand out from under the cloak and used the knockback jinx; Remus stared in horror as one of the bookshelves fell backwards, books falling all over the place, and another loud crash as it knocked into the bookshelf behind it and knocked it over too. Filch was yelling, and James and Remus made their escape while the caretaker was distracted by the crashes.

“You better not have ruined any books!” Remus snarled as they ran.

“Would you rather have been caught?!” James demanded back.

Two corridors farther and they flung themselves against the wall as Professor Slughorn appeared, grouching to himself about Filch and his false alarms. He was in a long nightshirt complete with a nightcap, and James stuffed his fist in his mouth to stop from laughing. Once Slughorn was past, they kept going, running all the way back to the common room. The Fat Lady was gone so had to wait until finally the painting swung open and Sirius peered out.

James yanked the cloak off as they climbed in. “Close call,” he panted out.

“James bloody well knocked down half the library,” Remus complained.

“We were this close to Filch.” James held his arms out. “This close! I had to do something.” He staggered over to an armchair and collapsed down. “That was so much fun.”

“Did you get them, at least?” Sirius asked.

Remus rummaged in his satchel and pulled them out, shoving them at Sirius. “Yes. Here. Now you can make your dumb, probably illegal potion to make a properly illegal potion so you can get killed by a werewolf.”

Sirius merely pat Remus’s head. “Someone’s grouchy.”

Remus growled, and Sirius handed the papers over to James and Peter who double-checked that everything was there. Thankfully it was, since Remus was not going to do a repeat of what just happened.

*

Sunday went mostly the same as Saturday, only this time without being awoken at stupid-o’clock in the morning. The biggest difference was in the afternoon, when they all went to a small room to start preparations for the Polyjuice potion already. It was a very, very well hidden room, and rather small although it was ventilated well. Remus had found it in his second year but never told his friends, so he was a bit surprised when he was taken to the bench that guarded the entrance. They all wriggled through, and on the other side were two cauldrons.

“This is where we made it last year,” James explained when Remus looked confused.

“Did you at least test to make sure it is well ventilated?” Remus grumbled, already knowing it was.

“Yes, Mr. GrouchyBum,” Sirius said and lifted his wand, the tip emitting a small puff of smoke that was pulled upward towards some slits in the wall. “Not sure where they lead, but we did make sure we wouldn’t smoke ourselves out if we made a potion.”

Peter carefully set out some of the ingredients, including a large flask of water. “Hand me the paper. If I remember right, we gotta stew the wings for about twenty days…” Peter took the parchment Sirius offered. “Yeah, twenty-one days.”

He sat back, unscrewing the lid to the flask and measuring out exactly three pints of water into the smaller cauldron. James lit the little burner on fire, and Peter waited for the water to heat up. It quickly grew warm in there, and Remus started wiping the sweat from his forehead, making sure to stay far enough back from the cauldron so nothing would accidentally drip in. Once the water was bubbling enough, Peter added the entire jar of lacewing flies in and began stirring it carefully. After a few minutes he turned the flame down to a very low burn

“Is that it?” Remus asked as they gathered everything up.

“For now,” James said, shooing Remus out of the way so he could open the entrance. “We don’t need to do anything else for about two weeks, except occasionally add water and stir. About twice a day.”

The four of them clamored out and Remus lifted the hem of his shirt to wipe his damp face. That felt very anticlimactic, despite knowing it took a month to properly make Polyjuice potion. At least they had a month until it was done, although Remus knew damn well he wouldn’t be able to convince them not to do this…

The rest of the afternoon was full of pranks (which for some bizarre reason also involved jellyfish; Remus was not sure why James was suddenly very interested in incorporating jellyfish into his pranks but he didn’t want to ask) and then at supper, Aegis approached the Gryffindor table, asking if he could have a word with Remus. They only stepped away from the Gryffindor table instead of going somewhere private, like Remus expected.

“I was wondering if you would like the join the Runes club with me,” Aegis said with a hopeful look in his eyes.

Remus shifted his weight from foot to foot, not sure how to respond. He really didn’t, since he had so much to do this year… however knew perfectly well none of the Marauders would join him in the club, and it would give him a chance to spend more time with Aegis… and add excuses to be alone with him.

“We will need to submit an application by the fifteenth,” he added.

“Submit an application?” Remus arched his eyebrows. “To join a club?”

Aegis moved his hand then pulled it back; he had almost grabbed Remus’s hand. “It is only a small thing. We need only write our names and a request to join, in runes. Please?”

Remus bit his bottom lip. “Er. All right. Yeah, that—I’d like that.”

Aegis beamed, making it worthwhile. Remus tried not to blush, thinking how cute Aegis was when he looked so happy. “I’m so glad! Pandora will be glad too. Thank you. Er, are we still meeting tomorrow?”

Bloody hell, Remus had already forgotten. “Yes, of course.”

“All right. I shall see you in Charms tomorrow morning. Have a good evening, Remus.” He waved at the other Marauders before returning to the Slytherin table.

Remus went back to his friends and plunked down, ignoring the fact Lily was giving him curious glances from down the table. He explained that he was going to join Runes club, knowing perfectly well it was going to cause problems. Sure enough, Sirius started bitterly complaining about Remus spending more time away from the Marauders than he already was. Peter expressed concern over Remus doing too much. James said runes were boring, and Remus shouldn’t bother. Remus angrily ate his food, ignoring all three of them… or planning on ignoring all three of them.

He then set his fork down and told James that runes were not boring and actually quite important, told Peter he wouldn’t be overdoing it if the three of them dropped their idiotic plan, and told Sirius he already spent most of the day with them regardless.

“You want me to be a Prefect next year,” he finished, “and I’d be spending more time doing than than what I would in Runes club now.”

“Blimey,” James said, “our fifth year is next year already.”

“Ughhhh, O.W.Ls,” Peter moaned, dropping his face onto the table. “I don’t want them.”

“Bell graduates this year,” James said, suddenly grinning. “Meaning… the Captain slot will be open next year, and I know perfectly well Seo-Yun doesn’t want it, nor does Maureen… meaning it’ll probably be me!”

Peter was still bashing his face against the table.

“Captain James Potter,” James sighed blissfully, resting his chin on his hands. “Sirius, you should try out for the team. You’d be brilliant. We practically read each other’s minds as it is, we’d be unstoppable as a Chaser duo!”

“Yes, but if you’re in Runes club and a Prefect, it will be even worse!” Sirius griped, not even paying attention to James’s comments nor Peter’s attempt to break his own nose.

Remus picked his fork back up. “How about we not think about next year? We’ve only just started our fourth.” He hated thinking about the future, even if was just one year ahead; his brain always kept going, racing past graduation and to his bleak future. He dreaded his last year at school. “Besides, I shan’t be Prefect.”

Peter at least stopped his face-smashing, and Sirius stopped harassing Remus about the club (still grumbling, though), but James kept sighing dreamily for the rest of the meal, as if he were imagining a girl instead of being Quidditch Captain.

Chapter Text

Remus woke up on Monday feeling both excited and a little worried. Excited because it was the first day of his first official full week back at school, worried because the first class was Defense Against the Dark Arts; he just hoped nobody was still mad at him about the essay. He had done his and also the other Marauders’ essays, although they rewrote theirs in their own words. James had wheedled him to do his other Defense essay too, which Remus refused.

Button wasn’t in the Great Hall during breakfast, but was in the classroom when the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs arrived. He scowled at each one putting their two essays on his desk, and when the last one sat down he put the papers in his desk and started teaching without even doing any sort of register. After forty-three minutes of him stalking back and forth, throwing things, growling, and looking murderous, he then assigned another essay due in a week, then sat down at his desk, pointedly looking at his watch for a full silent minute before dismissing everyone.

“He’s so scary!” Greta Catchlove of Hufflepuff whined after everyone poured out of the classroom.

“He shouldn’t be a teacher,” agreed Matilda Twycross huffily.

The Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs mingled for a moment, most of them complaining about Button, and then everyone hurried off to their next class. The Marauders took a shortcut they knew about, and were the first ones to approach the Charms classroom; at least, the first Gryffindors. Down the hall strode the three Slytherins they wanted to see the least: Mulciber, Avery, and Bulstrode. Remus didn’t know if anything happened between them and the other three in the days he had been missing, but since he hadn’t heard anything he assumed they had simply avoided each other.

“Lupin!” Mulciber shouted as the Marauders were about to go into the classroom.

“Ignore him,” James said, opening the door and letting his friends in, then slamming it shut behind them. Flitwick wasn’t there, which made Remus a bit nervous since he knew the Slytherins would start something.

As they took their seats, the door burst open and the Slytherins came in. “Loopy, we were calling for you,” Avery snarled as they went over towards the Gryffindors.

“Oh, were you?” Sirius asked. “We thought we heard something, but we assumed someone was just farting.”

Mulciber folded his arms, smirking. “We forgot to tell you something when we saw you the other day, and that is welcome back to Hogwarts.”

Remus hesitated. James and Sirius stood on either side of him, like guards, and Peter was behind them, face white.

“When you didn’t come back when school started, we thought you might have died,” Avery said.

“Well, hoped you died,” Mulciber said, glancing at his friends with a grin. “Close enough, right?”

“Bugger off,” James growled, hand slipping in his pocket to get his wand.

Just then the door to the other room opened and Flitwick came in. “Oh, good morning boys,” he said cheerfully, heading over to the blackboard to wipe off what he had been teaching in the previous class. “Hope you all had a terrific weekend!”

The Slytherins went to their side of the room, snickering, while the Marauders sat back down, glaring. Soon class started and they were working on the growth spell some more; this time Remus pictured the rune in his head as he did the wand movement, essentially sketching the rune in the air. He had done some research over the weekend and saw they really were connected, and this time his plant trembled and grew a bit. He jumped in surprise then his face split into a grin.

“Crescus retinantus!”

The plant grew a little more. It was noticeably bigger than those around him, and Flitwick came over to examine it. “That was quick, Mr. Lupin. Let me try.” He plucked a leaf off and stuck it in his mouth. The others around him stopped working on their plants to watch. “Mmpahab. Mmlalab!” Flitwick babbled then spit the leaf out in his hand. “Excellent work! Five points to Gryffindor! I don’t think I’ve seen a fourth year excel this quickly with this spell, it usually takes a couple of lessons to get the plant to the size you got it too and still work. You may keep trying, or if you’d rather work on something else I can give you a small bit of assignment.”

“I will keep working on this,” Remus said, flushing with pride. He didn’t know which was better: Flitwick’s praise, the Marauder’s smiles, or the look Aegis was giving him from across the room. He glanced up to meet his eyes then looked back down, knowing his cheeks were going slightly red, but at least he could blame it on what Flitwick said.

By the end of class, Remus had gotten the Mumbling Mint to as big as he could without it losing its properties. He did manage to get it even bigger but then when Flitwick tried it, he spoke normally. He returned the plant to its normal size and then Remus grew it out a second time. Lily’s plant had grown a bit too, and as they left class, she pushed past the Marauders to talk to Remus.

“How did you manage that?” she asked breathlessly. “That was incredible!”

“It really was,” piped up Aegis, coming up on Remus’s other side. “Especially since you seemed so desolate about it on Friday. Were you practicing all weekend?”

“Not… quite,” Remus admitted, noticing the Marauders giving him irritated looks. “The wand movement is the rune for ‘growth’. I pictured it in my head as I did it. I think that helps.”

“Oooh, that’s brilliant!” Lily exclaimed. “Speaking of Runes, I’m thinking about joining the club. Are either of you…?”

“Yes, we both are,” Aegis replied cheerfully. “Do you know of the application?”

“Yes, I spoke to Professor Codde about it and—“

“All right, all right,” James said, pushing between Remus and Lily. “Enough of your nerd talk, we’ve gotta get to Muggle Studies.” He stuck his tongue out at Lily.

“If you ever need help, feel free to ask me,” Lily said sweetly. “For instance, if you stick a fork into a power socket, it charges the fork with electricity. You should try it sometime.”

Peter and Remus both began choking with laughter while James, Sirius, and Aegis all looked slightly puzzled.

“I don’t trust you,” James said, “and since those two are laughing I’m going to assume what you told me is wrong.”

“It would electrocute you,” Peter explained, elbowing James. “Kill you.”

“I don’t think it would kill you,” Remus corrected, “however it would give you a nasty shock, most likely.”

James gave Lily the two finger salute, and she giggled, saying goodbye to the others before bounding off. “Cow,” James muttered angrily, and then when they reached Muggle Studies he asked Professor Lewis about it, who said the same thing Remus did, and then they ended up having an entire class about electricity.

*

The rest of Monday passed by in a whirl, and during supper Remus realized something and groaned, letting his head drop on the table, nearly in his soup. James told him not to drown himself, while Peter asked what was wrong.

“Aegis and I were going to meet to study together, I told him Mondays.” He wallowed back and forth. “But now we are… er, doing other things tonight.” He lifted his head, frowning. “If I go first like usual, I can meet him at seven, while you two have your lessons.”

“You mean just… do your lesson then leave?” Sirius asked, taken aback.

Normally Occlumency went like this: Remus had his hour long lesson then went to the secret passage where the other three waited. James or Peter took their half hour, then the other took their half hour. During that time, Remus and Sirius would spend time with whoever was not working on Occlumency.

“Yes,” Remus said hesitantly.

“What about your headaches?” Sirius turned towards him, very visibly annoyed. “You need to rest after that, not go and study. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I promised Aegis we’d be able to meet today,” Remus protested. “Plus he wants to work on our Runes club application to get sent in.” They had plenty of time to do that but he wasn’t about to say that. “I can rest a bit, then go meet him. My headaches don’t last long anyway.”

“Half the time you sleep,” Sirius pressed. “You need to rest.”

Remus furrowed his brow. “Why are you so upset about me meeting with Aegis?”

“I’m… not,” Sirius faltered. “I’m only worried. You know how bad you can be after this sort of thing. What about tomorrow, can’t you meet him tomorrow?”

“No, I’m meeting Button on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I have no idea how long those will last.” He picked his spoon up and began slurping at his soup, wondering what it was going to be like trying to learn the Memory charm; an unpleasant shiver went down his spine.

Sirius’s hand slammed down, causing all three Marauders to jump. “You’re doing too much.”

Remus glowered. “I’m not having this argument again.”

“I’m not trying to argue—“

“Yes you are,” James said and Sirius spun around, punching James’s shoulder hard. James rubbed the spot, laughing.

When Sirius turned back around, Remus was up and walking over to the Slytherin table, since he doubted Sirius would follow him over there. Sure enough, Sirius remained where he was, scowling deeply. Remus went over to Aegis, ignoring the scowls also being given by the other Slytherins, and told Aegis he was sorry but he forgot he needed to meet with Pomfrey, and could they meet at seven-fifteen? Aegis looked a little crestfallen but nodded, agreeing to meet then instead of at six.

Remus returned to the Gryffindor table and ate his soup while Sirius complained about idiots who refused to rest when they needed to rest.

*

Even though Remus had seen her only a few days before, it was really good seeing Fawley again. They hugged tightly then he sat down, telling her about Friday’s classes, the weekend, and about how Button threw things at students as well as assigned short essays if anyone misbehaved. Fawley laughed and said it didn’t surprise her, that the only thing that really surprised her was the fact Button threw spongified items instead of actually possibly dangerous items.

“One time he threw a cantaloupe at one of the Werewolf Capture Unit wizards,” she said. “Knocked him out.”

Remus laughed, wishing he had seen that. They talked a bit more and then settled in for their first lesson of the year. Fawley placed her hands on his temples and they began flipping rapidly through some of his memories, most of which seemed to be centered around Aegis including their first kiss in the rain. Fawley stopped quickly, apologizing for intruding on a private moment, and Remus just shook his head; the memory had happened so fast there wasn’t any way for her to have pulled out quicker. This was the worst part about Occlumency, the fact Fawley did sometimes accidentally see private moments. At least she was discreet about them.

They worked throughout the next forty minutes, Remus trying his best to shove her out of his head. When that didn’t work he tried to keep his mind blank. This was harder for him than pushing her out, because his brain went at a mile a minute and no matter how hard he tried to keep it empty thoughts still leaked through. A brief second of emptiness and then, aegis, runes, button, memory, wolf is fighting, no, stop! polyjuice and they slipped into the memory of Button telling Remus they’d be working on the memory charm—blank, again, homework, wolf is clawing at me, busy, sirius is mad, why is sirius so mad—supper, earlier, them arguing, Remus just leaving the table—blankness, nothingness—obliviate is so advanced, sirius angry, wolf is angry polyjuice, animagus—they were in the library, Remus desperately copying the pages while James tried to hurry him—blank, empty—why jellyfish—blank—kissing is hard—blank, empty—wolf is howling, don’t like firewhisky—

Remus reeled back, clutching his aching head. The pain was unbearable and he cried out, pressing his hands harder as if to squeeze the pain out. This is how things always went: him hardly able to do anything and then winding up with a nasty headache. Fawley comforted him and, after a moment or two, he gave her a hug before going down to the secret passage. Only James and Peter were there; Sirius had come with them but James said he had left after only a few minutes, saying he had ‘something important’ to do.

Remus collapsed down on the floor, massaging his head and sipping some water until the pain faded. He really wanted to lay down and go to sleep—especially when James offered his lap as a pillow—except he couldn’t, since he was meeting Aegis. James looked a little down at the fact he’d be in there alone, but told Remus to have fun (“Not,” he added quickly, “that studying is fun.”).

“I’ll have fun,” he promised as he left, hoping he wasn’t too tired.

By the time he reached where they were meeting, though, he felt even more exhausted. Aegis was already there, standing rigid and slightly nervously as he looked down the corridor. When his gaze swept the other way and he saw Remus, he smiled and waved. Remus smiled and waved back, hurrying over. Since they were still out in a corridor they couldn’t do anything, but once they went into a secret passage, Aegis took Remus’s hand and then kissed him on the lips. Remus kissed back, trying to be careful with his nose.

“How did things with Pomfrey go?” Aegis asked as Remus took his robes off and set them on the floor for them to sit on. “Is everything all right?”

“Yes, everything’s fine,” he promised, settling down cross-legged. “It’s just… checkups and that sort of thing. Routine work.” He rubbed his face, stress piling up on him.

“You look very tired…”

Remus couldn’t prevent his yawn. “It’s been a long day.” He wished Occlumency didn’t take so much out of him, and felt guilty when Aegis’s face creased and he suggested maybe they don’t spend time together that night. Remus shook his head, promising he’d be fine and wanting to spend time with Aegis. Then he took his hand, asking how Aegis’s day went and listening—sleepily—as Aegis spoke. Aegis had such a soft, nice voice, and it made Remus even more drowsy.

“You are falling asleep,” Aegis said after a moment.

“Am not.”

Without warning, Aegis’s hand was on Remus’s cheek, and Remus’s eyes went wide open in shock. It felt really nice. “You are,” Aegis said. “Why don’t we say goodnight now.”

Remus took Aegis’s hand off his cheek—reluctantly—and twisted it around a bit to look at his watch. “Because ten minutes is not enough time.” He squeezed Aegis’s hand then let go, slightly annoyed when Aegis drew his hand back instead of putting it against Remus’s cheek again. “Honest. I’m fine. Just a wee bit tired is all. Please.”

“All right.” Aegis scooted closer. “I do have a question for you though. Why on earth have your friends been throwing jellyfish everywhere lately?”

Remus laughed. “I don’t know! I was wondering the same thing. Although, James did go to the Caribbean this summer so maybe he saw some and thought they were a good shape for pranks.”

“I imagine that was quite fun,” Aegis said. “I’ve hardly been out of the country. Only to France a couple of times, Sweden once, and Bulgaria this summer for the Cup.”

“I’ve never been out at all.” Remus scooted closer as well, their knees touching.

“Where would you like to go, if you could?”

Alaska, he thought, but since that was a very werewolf-specific answer he said instead, “France would be nice, since I know the language. Jean-Marie promised me he’d show me places there sometime, actually, which I know won’t happen but… it’s a nice thought.” There he went, thinking about Jean-Marie again when he was with his boyfriend. He almost wanted to apologize, but also didn’t want to go into why he felt awkward mentioning or thinking about him.

Aegis tilted his head a bit, shadows passing over his eyes. Remus was worried he somehow knew what was on his mind, but Aegis said, “I admit, I do not wish to return to France. Don’t get me wrong. It was… a very lovely place. I just…” He began fiddling with his tie. “The Malfoys have a home there, and when I visited France it’s because Abraxus wished to see me and didn’t want to bother coming back to England so he would demand Uncle Minos bring me.”

“That’s understandable, if you associate it with a bad memory,” Remus said. Since Aegis wasn’t going to touch his face again, he reached out and took Aegis’s hand.

After a moment or so of silence, Aegis somehow scooted even closer, their knees bumping even more. “May I kiss you again?”

Remus laughed again, taken aback. “Er… yes?”

“I mean.” Aegis glanced up, cheeks going very faintly pink. “More than just once.”

“Oh. Er.” Remus wasn’t sure he understood. “Yes?”

Aegis leaned in and kissed him, and Remus quickly realized Aegis had meant something borderline snogging. It was a long kiss, or several short ones—he wasn’t quite sure. He had no clue what to do with his hands except the one was still holding Aegis’s hand so he kept it there. Aegis’s other hand reached up and rested against Remus’s shoulder. Should he put his other hand on Aegis’s shoulder? After another maybe-kiss-or-still-the-same-kiss, he put his hand on Aegis’s shoulder except it felt extremely awkward there and not natural at all.

Then Aegis’s hand slid down Remus’s arm a little which caused Remus to pull back. Aegis was jerked forward by the sudden movement, and Remus was trying to scramble back… and his knee clipped Aegis’s chin. Aegis yelped and grabbed his chin while Remus, still pushing himself back, swore. He dove for Aegis’s bag to get some healing potion.

“No!” Aegis cried out, grabbing for his bag and yanking it back which caused several things to spill out.

“I’m sorry!” Remus cringed back. “I was trying to find some healing potion. Is your chin okay? God, this is the second time I’ve injured you.”

“No, I’m fine,” Aegis said, scrambling to put everything back in. “I think it might bruise but—no—that isn’t—ahhh.”

Remus was grabbing things too and as he picked up a book, a photograph slid out. Aegis went brilliantly pink as Remus picked the picture up to tuck it back in the book—then froze.

“I can explain,” Aegis said, rather desperately.

Remus stared at it then back up then back down, then he went rather red as he shoved it back in the book. “No need to explain.”

It had been a photograph of Remus on the Day of Lourey, where he was in a skirt. The Marauders had been in it too but Aegis had cut the photograph so it was only Remus although occasionally you could see another arm as the Remus in the photograph talked to his friends. Aegis must have done something to the photograph because Remus wasn’t moving, although other bits were like the random hands or arms.

Aegis put the book back in his satchel, going from pink to red. “I… er… I… I did say you have nice legs…” Remus let out a slight squeak and covered his face. “Merlin, I should not have said that.”

“S’fine,” he mumbled. “You have nice legs too.”

“I… really?” Remus nodded, still covering his face. “Oh.” He sounded quite squeaky himself. “Ahh. Well. A-hem. I will get rid of the photograph if it… if it bothers you.”

He swallowed and lowered his hands, shaking his head. “No. I mean. It is a bit unfair, I don’t have a photo of you.”

“In a skirt?” Aegis asked, rather bewildered.

Remus’s hands went to his face again. “NO! I mean, at all! I mean. I do but it’s been a while and—“

Aegis reached over, prying Remus’s hands from his face. “We should take a photo together then. One we can both keep with us. Perhaps Lily or Pandora can take it, so we can be… holding hands or something.” Remus nodded, liking that idea. “Errr… may I ask you something else?”

“Not about jellyfish?”

He smiled. “No. About what happened just now. You seemed to get upset. Was the kiss… too much?”

“Ohh!” Remus began to feel bad again, especially since he realized Aegis’s chin was bruising. “No. No, it…” He hesitated, unable to tell the truth. That Aegis’s hand had been sliding down his left arm and going straight for his scar which was savage enough to be felt through the cloth. “It was nice.” He chewed his lip, trying to think of a good, reasonable explanation. “I felt as though I couldn’t breathe.” There. That was reasonable. Wasn’t it? “I’m still not really good at kissing.”

“I like your kissing,” Aegis said. “But if you need… er… if we are… and you feel as though you cannot breathe…”

“I’ll not panic so much next time,” Remus promised, scratching his wrist a bit as he started to worry over the realization if they kept kissing like that there was every chance Aegis would try to hold his upper arm again. He’d need to come up with a more permanent excuse.

They talked for a bit longer, kissed one more time (Remus was getting dizzy from all the kissing; was that normal?) and then they went their separate ways. He considered swinging by the Occlumency room but it was nearly eight-thirty, and they should have been done long ago so he just went straight to the Gryffindor tower. On the way he was stopped by a Hufflepuff Prefect who went red when he turned around. She apologized, saying he was so small she thought he was a younger student out past their curfew.

“At least you’re not causing trouble,” she said in a weary tone.

Remus hesitated then pinched the bridge of his nose. “Have my friends been through, then?”

“Only Black,” she said, waving her hand. “I caught him snogging down the corridor. Really! When I was a fourth year, I couldn’t even imagine snogging, let alone publicly! Some people don’t care about morality. Good evening, Lupin.”

Remus muttered a good evening back and hurried to the common room, very startled by the news Sirius had been snogging someone. He waited for the flare of jealousy to happen… growing a little confused, momentarily, when it didn’t happen before realizing it was probably because he had a boyfriend now. He had been off snogging too. If the long kisses were to be considered snogging, which he wasn’t sure about. I wonder if I’m one of the ones that doesn’t care about morality, or if it’s not the same since we were holed up somewhere private. That thought made him laugh, because he was doing something worse, in society’s eyes, than snogging publicly: he was snogging a boy.

Actually he did laugh as he went, gaining a few looks from students that passed him. At least due to the late hour there weren’t many around, mostly just a few Gryffindors heading back to the tower as well.

James and Peter were in the common room playing Wild Adventures with a couple of other people; a board game that had gained popularity for a while but was now falling out of it due to the fact the makers weren’t making it anymore. Remus thought it was a shame, since the game was incredibly fun. He set his satchel down and sank down next to James, watching the magical creatures make their way across the board. James said Sirius was back too, but he was upstairs getting a shower which caused one of the girls they were playing with to giggle a lot. Remus wondered if that was girl Sirius had been caught kissing; he thought they were both third years, though.

Twenty minutes later all the Marauders were in their dorm, Sirius drying his hair carefully, James bouncing around talking a mile a minute, and Peter sitting practically in Remus’s lap as he tried showing him the wand movement for Charms. He had a picture of the rune in front of them to try to help.

He was also trying not to look over at Sirius who not only was brushing out his damp hair but his pajamas were clinging to him a bit since he didn’t fully dry himself off, and he had his reading glasses on as he looked over a piece of parchment set on his knee. Two weeks ago the sight would have killed him. All right, well, it sorta killed him now, but not as, and he was able to think about Aegis instead.

Mostly.

“Like this?”

Remus turned back to Peter. “More like this. You need to think about it too, though. Focus on… what the spell does, what the words mean, what the wandwork is. The rune.”

Peter wrinkled his nose. “What do the words mean?”

It’s right there in the book, Remus thought, but smiled. “Crescere is one of the Latin words for ‘grow’, so crescus is a play on that. Retinantus is from retinent meaning ‘retain’. So you are growing yet retaining something, which is the magical properties of the plant. Does that help?”

Peter bumped into him. “Maybe. Okay. Lessee. Crescus… retenentus? No.” His tongue curled slightly as he tried the wand movement again. “Crescus Retinantus!”

“Good! Good!” Remus burst into applause. “That was almost perfect! Here.” He put his hand over Peter’s hand and guided him slowly through the movement. “Right there needs to have a little curl at the end, like that.”

“That?”

“Yes!”

“Hey, Rems, if you’re helping out with wandwork, can you help me?” Sirius asked far too eagerly.

Remus rolled his eyes at him. “I don’t trust you.”

Sirius stuck his lower lip out. “Rems. I’m hurt. I genuinely need help, and you go and say a thing like that?”

Not trusting it, Remus went over and plopped down. Sirius got his wand out and did the movement quite wonkily. After trying to show him, he gave up and put his hand over his to help him do the movement, like he did with Peter; he waited, expecting Sirius to do something silly but Sirius simply nodded and said he understood it better now.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Sirius demanded as Remus slid off his bed.

“I don’t think I trust you! I was expecting you to… I don’t know, do something. Usually your wandwork is fine.”

“I was having trouble,” Sirius insisted.

Remus shrugged, feeling bad for being so distrustful. “I assumed you’d be pulling some prank on me.” He put his hands up, as Sirius looked quite put out about the accusation. “I’m sorry.”

Sirius leaned back, still pouting. “Nice to know if I ask for help you’re just going to assume I’m gonna do something.”

“I am sorry,” he said again, retreating to his bed. It was strange with the new dorm setup, since for three full years his bed was a certain length of space from Sirius’s bed, and now it was farther. He was just glad he remembered which one was his, since Sirius’s was almost in the same spot that his had been in before, from the door. “By the way, I heard a rumor about you.”

“Me?”

“Yes. That you were in a corridor earlier, snogging someone.”

James and Peter both looked over in surprise, while Sirius got a very lofty look on his face, inspecting his fingernails. “We were caught kissing, not snogging; we only kissed a couple of times.”

“Who were you kissing?” Peter asked eagerly.

“Elsie Davies,” Sirius yawned.

James squinted, looking at Peter who shrugged then Remus who also shrugged. None of them recognized the name, and Sirius said she was a fifth year Ravenclaw. It took another moment or two before James asked if she was the one that looked like a horse which resulted in an argument that lasted several minutes and only ended when the two began rolling on the floor grappling with another until James won and Sirius stalked back to his bed, grouchier than before, and insisting they were just jealous. Peter whinnied at that which started another fight, that Sirius won this time. Then he glared at Remus asking if he was going to say anything on the matter.

Remus looked up as innocently as he could. “Nay.”

He was pummeled quite mercilessly by a pillow, but it was worth it.

Chapter Text

Tuesday went quite a lot like Thursday had, only Remus was a little less tired since he wasn’t still recovering from the moon and the shock of meeting Button. In Potions, Slughorn told everyone to pair up and since he knew his friends would argue about who would be ‘stuck’ with him, he took the opportunity to slip over to Aegis’s table; when James lost and turned to look for Remus and didn’t see him, his face was comical.

“I’ve already got a partner,” Remus explained.

James pushed his glasses up, looking slightly relieved until he realized the only other Gryffindor without a partner was Matilda Twycross. He hesitated, glancing at the Slytherins, then shrugged and went over to Themis Alexander who flat out told him she’d rather be partnered with a toad. James slinked back to Twycross, looking furious.

“I’ll try to do my best,” Remus promised.

“You don’t need to do much,” Aegis replied, looking quite cheerful.

Remus put the book on the table, opening to the correct page and carefully pressing down. “I’m glad you don’t mind being my partner.”

Aegis’s foot shifted, bumping against Remus’s foot as he bent in to whisper, very softly, “In Potions and out of.”

Remus hoped he didn’t go pink, and cleared his throat as Slughorn informed them that they would begin their work. Remus carefully read out the list of ingredients they’d need, helping Aegis get them out of their potion kits; one of the ingredients wasn’t included so Remus went to get that one from the cupboard Slughorn provided, waiting in line behind the others. When he got his small jar of silvafuga shells and turned to go back, someone’s elbow whipped around and slammed into his face. He dropped the jar and it smashed, the shells rolling everywhere.

“Lupin!” It was Snape, of course it was. “Look what you did. You need to be more careful in this class.”

Remus was rubbing his sore cheek, glowering at him as Slughorn came over. “Professor, he elbowed my face.”

“I did not,” Snape said, affronted. “He turned around quickly and bumped into me. We all know how clumsy he is.”

Remus opened his mouth to argue but Slughorn waved his wand, repairing the broken jar on the floor as he handed another jar to Remus. “Mr. Lupin, I’m sure it was a mere accident. Here you are.” As Slughorn cleaned the shells off the floor, Remus returned to his desk, scowling.

At least the rest of the class went well. Slowly Remus began relaxing again, or relaxing as much as he could in a Potions class. He did his best to help with the ingredients although at one point he needed to cut something with a silver knife. He put gloves on and nervously got it out of its special little case from his kit; even though it wasn’t touching him, he could almost feel it through the gloves. Slowly—carefully, nervously—he began slicing the roots, hands trembling a bit so the slices were very uneven. His fingers holding the root prickled from the nearness of the blade, and soon sweat dripped off his forehead and some splashed onto the root. Swearing, he tossed that one aside and had to get another one, wiping his forehead off on his sleeve.

At least normally he failed at doing this sort of thing anyway, so the horribly cut roots didn’t look too different from when he had to use a regular knife. Aegis glanced at them then took Remus’s knife with his bare hands, cutting the roots himself.

“Why do you have gloves on?” he asked. “The roots aren’t dangerous.”

“I know, but the knife is really sharp, I wanted to be careful.” Remus inched a little bit away, trying not to stare at the silver blade flashing. “I am clumsy.”

“Not that clumsy, nor clumsy enough to run into Snape like he claimed you did. There.” Aegis handed the knife back. Remus, not expecting that, had taken his glove off. The handle was not silver so he put his fingers around that, transferring the knife quickly to its case again. “Remus, you’ll need to wash it. We need to use it again.”

“Right.”

Remus swung his legs around and got up, heart pounding as he walked to the back of the room, holding the knife handle, trying not to panic. Then, just before he got to the very back of the room where the sinks were, Bulstrode stuck his foot out and tripped him. He shrieked as he went down, half-tossing the knife from him; it skittered across the stone floor, coming to a stop several feet away as Remus hit the floor as well.

“Mr. LUPIN!” Slughorn pushed his way to the back. “You need to be CAREFUL!”

“Are you okay, Loopy?” Avery asked as he got out of his seat and pretended like he was going to help Remus up. As he reached down, one hand went to Remus’s shoe, swiftly yanking the laces loose. “Professor, his shoe is untied. He was walking around with a knife with his shoe untied.”

Slughorn reached them as Remus pushed Avery away from him and got up. “Mr. Lupin, ten points from Gryffindor for being so careless,” he sighed, going over and grunting loudly as he picked the knife up. “These things are dangerous.” Suddenly his eyes narrowed as he focused on the blade and then back at Remus. “Are you all right?” he then asked in a gentler voice.

“Yes,” Remus mumbled, wiping his trousers off. “I didn’t realize my shoe was untied.” He knew it was pointless to argue about what really happened.

“You go sit down, I’ll wash this for you and bring it back.”

“Oh. Er, thank you.”

Bulstrode and Avery both frowned as Remus returned to his seat, putting his foot up on the bench as well to retie his ancient trainers. Slughorn came by a moment later, putting the knife back in its little case and returning it to the kit. “Mr. Silverlocke, as Mr. Lupin seems to be having a clumsy day, perhaps it is best if you take over ingredient prepping while he stirs the potion.”

“Yes, sir,” Aegis said, and Remus gave Slughorn a grateful look.

*

Remus felt uncomfortable after Potions and all through lunch. He kept picturing himself falling and the silver knife slicing him; he knew he shouldn’t have thrown it, and was very lucky Slughorn hadn’t been furious about it. Actually, he was very happy with Slughorn’s whole attitude about the knife, and said so when Sirius started grumbling about Slughorn removing points for Remus tripping.

“Why does him washing the knife for you matter?” James asked.

Remus poked at his food. “It was the silver knife,” he muttered quietly.

All three of them stared in horror, then Peter scooted right up against him. “You tripped carrying that?”

“Are you okay?” Sirius demanded. “You should have tied your shoes, you need to be more careful!”

Remus glared. “I’m fine and, well, honestly, it wasn’t my shoe, it was Bulstrode. He tripped me, and then Avery untied my shoe as an excuse. And I am well aware of how careful I need to be, thank you.” For some reason Sirius saying that really irritated him, as if Sirius knew better than Remus did about silver-being-dangerous-to-werewolves. Actually, Remus still wasn’t entirely sure what silver did, and he mentally wrote a note to ask Button that night.

James and Sirius began discussing ideas for revenge which Remus ignored, instead turning to Peter who said next time he’d pair up with Remus and take care of everything. Remus said he didn’t mind being paired with Aegis, and he liked helping as much as he could so he wasn’t a burden. But he thanked Peter anyway, for his kindness.

After lunch came Runes, and during it Professors Quirke and Codde let people group together to do some work. Everyone went in groups of four except one group which had five. Aegis, Lily, and Remus grouped together… along with Snape, after Remus promised Lily he’d be fine dealing with him. It was still incredibly awkward, though. And every time Remus tried to do something, Snape told him it was wrong. Aegis stood up for Remus which resulted in a small argument that Lily had to stop. Finally they just separated, Aegis and Remus at one end of the table, Lily and Snape at the other, Lily looking rather distressed about the whole thing.

“I don’t like him,” he heard Snape whispering when Lily inquired as to why he had started everything. “Besides, I was not provoking Lupin. His runes all look terribly. They’re all… wobbly.”

After class, Lily apologized to Aegis and Remus and they promised it was fine; they both expected it to happen. Lily asked if they wanted to do something together since the Gryffindors had a free period, but Aegis needed to go to Astronomy so they had to split up.

“How are things going with him?” Lily asked as they took some back, deserted corridors.

“Good.” Remus kicked at the ground. “I hope.”

“You hope? Is something wrong?”

Remus shrugged. “I wish I could give him more time. Between everything going on… I feel as though I can’t.” He ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. “And it does feel difficult sneaking around without the other Marauders knowing. I’m so afraid they’re going to follow us one day and… and see.”

Lily wrapped her arm through his. “Is there anything you can do to stop them from being so nosy?”

“I dunno.” He looked at the floor as they walked, at his beat-up trainers and the shoelaces which had come untied again. He stopped and stooped down, retying them. “Sirius maybe is getting a new girlfriend so that will get him off my back, and Quidditch is coming up soon so that will fix James.” He straightened up, shouldering his satchel as he stared straight ahead in surprise. “Oh!”

Lily followed his gaze towards the ghost floating there. “You know him?”

“Yes, hold on.” Remus ran forward, grinning. “Theodore!”

The teen ghost looked rather glum and morose which was how he normally looked, but a small smile flickered at the corner of his lips before fading. His hands began moving, spelling out words slowly. Theodore hated speaking but the previous year, Remus had gotten a deaf classmate—Nirav Jha—to teach them sign language so the ghost could communicate. Which proved to be extremely useful when Peter went missing and Theodore knew where he was, but none of the staff he tried to show paid him attention.

“I’m doing okay,” Remus said after Theodore finished spelling his words. “So is Peter. Erm. I haven’t seen you since… erm, the incident. Are you doing okay?” Theodore ducked his head and shrugged. “I know Peter wants to thank you.” Theodore shook his head at that. “Okay. That’s okay.” Theodore began spelling again, telling Remus things had been difficult for him since Peter’s kidnapping. “I… I imagine so,” Remus said softly. “It must have been really hard. I’m sorry you had to go through with it.” Theodore shrugged again then his shoulders drooped. “Is… may I ask… is that really where…?”

The hole in which Mulciber and Avery had stuck Peter was, according to Dumbledore, where Theodore had died. Remus wasn’t sure if this was true or not, and he felt bad for being curious but he knew very little about Theodore. He wasn’t even expecting Theodore to answer, so he was a bit startled when Theodore gave a tiny nod.

“I’m sorry.” Remus pulled the collar of his sleeveless jumper up, chewing on the fabric. “I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business.”

“It is fine,” Theodore spelled out. “Dangerous.”

“It does seem dangerous. Does the door lead anywhere?”

“Added after death,” Theodore informed him. “Dungeons. Blocked.”

“Oh.”

Theodore looked past Remus at Lily then back at Remus. “Wanted to say hello,” he spelled before waving and then rushing through the wall, disappearing.

“Bye!” Remus called after him, then slumped back, forehead wrinkling a bit, hoping Theodore was okay.

*

After a long afternoon, Remus went to Professor Button’s office with a slight feeling of dread; was he going to start learning the memory charm that night? He hoped not but he wasn’t sure what else they’d be going over. He did have some of his own questions—mainly the one about silver. He had to pause in front of the door to steel himself before knocking and going in.

Button was at his desk, a teapot and two empty cups waiting along with a plate of biscuits. Remus nervously sat down, accepting the cup that Button poured and taking one of the biscuits. Like before, tea and biscuits seemed so out of sorts with Button’s appearance and personality.

“Fawley told me you knocked someone out with a cantaloupe before,” he said, since Button wasn’t saying anything.

His teeth gleamed behind his beard. “I did. An arse who deserved it, and worse.”

“May I ask why you used a cantaloupe instead of… hexing him?”

Button shrugged. “We were in the Ministry and there are rules about hexing the workers there. Nothing about throwing fruit at them.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Sounds like the sort of loophole my friends and I would find.”

“Ahhh yes, your friends.” The way Button said that made Remus uncomfortable. “I wanted to talk to you about them.” That made him more uncomfortable, and he gripped the biscuit so hard it broke. “I want to commend you on befriending them.”

“You… do?” Remus raised his eyebrows; he hadn’t been expecting that.

“They’re loud, rowdy, and noisy,” Button said, ticking off on his fingers. “Normally I’d tell werewolves to keep quiet, keep in the background… but you manage to stay hidden by surrounding yourself with kids who take the attention away from you. Brilliant strategy.”

Remus grit his teeth, setting the broken biscuit down. “That isn’t why I became friends with them, you know. My friendship with them isn’t any strategy.”

Button shrugged, sipping his tea. “Regardless of your reason for it, it works out for you. Now, any other questions other than why I threw a melon at an arsehole?”

Remus slid down in his chair. “Actually, yes. I… had a question. Probably a stupid one.”

“You’re fourteen, most of your questions will probably be stupid,” Button replied.

Remus narrowed his eyes, his anxiety being taken over by annoyance. He knew he shouldn’t ask, but it came out anyway. “Why do you hate kids so much?”

He looked mildly surprised. “Is that your question?”

“It—it wasn’t, but it is now.”

Button rolled his eyes. “Little ones are loud, whiny, and annoying. They stay loud, whiny, and annoying as they grow until they his puberty where they become dramatic pieces of shit, as I said before. Hormonal idiots who seem to lose brain cells at a shocking rate.”

A wave of shock and anger rolled through him. “So that is how you see me?”

“A bit, yeah, but you’re a werewolf so you get a pass. Where are you going?”

Remus had gotten up and was heading towards the door. “I don’t want to stay if you just see me as a—a—annoying, dramatic piece of hormonal shit without brain cells. Why should I stay?”

Button held his hands up. “By all means, storm out of here. I won’t stop you.”

He opened and closed his mouth then did just that, storming out and slamming the door shut behind him. He got only a few feet before he slowed and then stopped, realizing storming out like that was sort’ve proving Button’s point. Plus he hadn’t had a chance to ask his questions. Groaning, he turned, and before he touched the doorknob the door opened and Button flourished his arm to welcome him back in.

“Aren’t you going to apologize?” Remus asked as he flumped back in his seat, pouting mostly over the fact Button knew he would return.

Button sank back down into his own chair. “Nope. Are you?”

“No.”

“Good. Now, before you get into your questions I do want to say something.” Button rubbed his forehead, letting out an irritated sort of sound. “I am not here to be your enemy. I know I can be rude and blunt, and I know Ana would want me to apologize for it but kids to me are like… werewolves to other people. I don’t understand them. The youngest I’ve ever dealt with is sixteen, and that was Morrigan. You’re a good kid, from what I can tell, and I’ll… try to do better. I want to be someone you can trust. I need to be someone you can trust. I will… I will do better. Now.” He folded his hands on his desk, looking somewhat apologetic. “What was your real question?”

Remus let out a long sigh, deciding to put this behind him as best he could. “I… really don’t know much about werewolves at all. I’ve read books, of course, but they’re always all over the place. I mean there are some out there that say I should be an enormous, buff-looking guy with scars all over my face and body. Others say I have fangs even as a human and act like a dog.” He began chewing at his fingernails. “I don’t know much about who I am, and that… bothers me, which is the main reason I came back. You do know, and… I’d like to know.”

He jumped right in with his question about silver, and Button told him immediately it wasn’t a stupid question at all (whether he meant it or not, Remus wasn’t sure; he suspected it was mostly said because Button was trying to be nicer). Then he explained that yes, if silver touched Remus it would burn him. He pulled some parchment out of his desk and rolled it into a tube then transfigured it into what looked like an arm. He tapped it and a round burn mark appeared, and he explained that would be what it looked like if a sickle touched him.

“Now. The biggest issue is what else silver does,” Button explained, holding up a finger. “It isn’t just that it can burn you. It’s the fact that it completely nullifies lycanthropic abilities.”

“It… what?” Remus’s eyes went wide. “It does what?”

Button nodded. “That’s why the WCU and werewolf hunters always carry silver with them. I don’t think some of them realize the extent of what silver does to a werewolf, and it isn’t anything that’s been recorded much. But here. This is what would happen if someone cut your hand off.” He waved his wand and the fake hand detatched from the fake arm, and then he waved his wand and a new hand grew. “Have you experienced this after a full moon?”

“Yes, I’ve… I’ve lost body parts before,” Remus admitted.

“Now, this is what would happen if someone used a silver knife.” He waved his wand and the hand was cut off again. This time it looked like someone cauterized the wound as it went, and Button didn’t make a new hand regrow. “It nullifies the healing ability. Completely. We don’t know exactly how or why, but it does. So if someone stabbed you in the heart with a regular knife, your healing ability would probably be able to fix it quickly enough that you’d be fine. If someone stabbed you in the heart with a silver knife… your body wouldn’t be able to heal around that spot, and you would die. That is why silver is fatal to werewolves.”

Remus stared at the fake arm for a moment, taking it in. Then he looked at his own hands. “If… silver… does… does silver… nullify everything? I mean. What if… I was put in a silver room during a full moon?”

“You’d be in agony, and still transform,” Button said, turning the body parts back into parchment.

Remus began scratching at his wrists, shuddering at the thought of being surrounded by silver. Just being near the knife earlier had been awful enough. “I always just thought silver killed us, or hurt us.”

“It does hurt you,” Button said gently. “It will react to the curse inside of you and burn you. But it is the fact that it stops the healing process that makes it fatal.”

Remus thought about it for a second. “So if… if say I get a burn mark from silver, that’s a permanent scar, right?” Button nodded. “What if… I use a regular knife… to gouge away the flesh around it, and remove that spot entirely? Will my flesh regrow… back to what it used to be? Or will there still be a scar? Or will the flesh simply not regrow…?”

Button stared at him, opened his mouth, closed it, then began laughing. “Bloody hell, Remus, nobody’s ever asked that before, and I haven’t the faintest! That’s… not a situation I’ve ever encountered. MERLIN, you have quite the brain in you, don’t you? Ana was right. Damn. I don’t know, but if you want to try it I’m gonna go ahead and recommend you don’t.”

Remus glowed a little at the praise, especially the ‘Fawley was right’ bit. “I’m not going to try. I was just curious. Errrm. I have another question though. If that’s okay.”

“I am here for you, Remus,” Button said. “Any and all questions.”

“Even if they’re stupid?” he couldn’t help but quip.

Button rubbed his forehead. “Okay fine, I’m sorry for being rude to you. Better?”

“Oh. Er, thank you.” He wasn’t expecting that. “I was—er—“ The words faltered on his tongue, the apology taking him by surprise. “Sometimes… sometimes…” He trailed off now, unable to figure out how to explain it. Button merely looked at him, waiting. “Sometimes I don’t like… it feels… oh, God, I’m sorry, I don’t know how to explain this.”

“What’s the subject matter?”

“Eh?”

Button motioned with his hand. “In one word, what is the main subject matter?”

Remus blinked a few times then looked down at his fingers. “Um. Touch?”

“You touching something? Or something touching you?”

“People touching me,” he said, and then the rest of the words followed. “Sometimes it hurts me. I mean, it feels like something is wrong with my skin and when people make contact with my skin it hurts my skin and makes me feel… really uncomfortable and in pain—like knives are scraping my skin—and all… wriggly inside, in a bad way.” He then put his head in his hands because he probably sounded like a four year old, not a fourteen year old.

“Hmmm. When does this happen? After a full moon?”

“No, it—randomly,” Remus mumbled into his hands until Button asked him to speak up. He lifted his head, letting his hands fall to his lap. “It happens randomly. Sometimes when I get really upset or anxious about something, it happens. I was just wondering if it had to do with being a werewolf.”

“I’ll be honest with you,” Button said. “No. I’m not entirely sure what that is, or what causes that. But it isn’t something I’ve dealt with with other werewolves. Well, to the extent you said. Most werewolves dislike being touched by non-werewolves but not because it makes them… hurt or… er, wriggly inside.”

Disappointment filled him. “Oh. So… you, er, don’t… know anything about that?

“No, sorry. Have you talked to Pomfrey about it?”

He shook his head. “I’ve never talked to anyone about it. I thought it might have to do with being a werewolf—I suppose I hoped it did… but… maybe I will talk to her.” He began scratching at his wrists again, not sure if he would talk to her or not; it had been difficult enough bringing it up to Button. He never heard of anyone having this sort of issue—which didn’t mean nobody ever did, but… it made him feel more alone and unnatural.

Button asked if he had any other questions and Remus said he didn’t, even though he did. He just felt rather glum about the whole thing. He expected to start working on the memory charm but instead Button asked him if he could ask some questions instead and asked permission to write them down. Remus agreed, and Button got a notebook out. After scribbling some stuff down, the questions began.

First he was asked to describe everything he remembered from the night he was bitten. Remus ran his finger up and down his leg until his nail snagged at a loose thread. He shrugged, mumbling something incoherent. Button told him to speak up, and he sucked in some air, telling him—loosely—some of how it went. That he was snatched out of his room by a vampire, taken down to Greyback, and bitten.

“I don’t know,” he said when Button pressed for more. “That’s—I learned that through Occlumency. You can ask Fawley for more information.”

“I am asking you,” Button growled. “I want to know what you know. Stop shrugging. Fine. We’ll move on for now. Do you have any memory of your first transformation or the aftermath?”

Remus stuck his thumbnail in his mouth, chewing. “I know the first night I transformed, my mother put my favorite stuffed animal in with me, and I destroyed it,” he said, pushing himself back into the chair to try to make himself even smaller. “That’s all I really know, and that’s because she’s told me.”

“All right. Well. Can you tell me anything you remember at all from your early days as a werewolf?”

“I…”

He couldn’t remember much at all about his first few months as a werewolf, or his first couple of years. There were bits and pieces he did remember. Small things, that bobbed up in the waters with no rhyme or reason. He remembered throwing a temper tantrum and breaking a chair when he was young, and getting upset over that. He had also been yelled at and his bottom spanked, but he didn’t tell Button that. He remembered climbing a tree and falling out and breaking his arm, but he didn’t add that that memory made very little sense to him because he had been afraid of heights all his life. He used to think that was why he was afraid of heights until he saw the memory of when he had been bitten; when he had been picked up by the vampire and they jumped out of his window. He remembered his father yelling at him a lot, and his mother crying a lot.

He remembered feeling scared and alone.

“I’m sorry,” Remus finally said. “I just don’t remember much.” There was a swelling feeling in his stomach, a sort of bitterness and ineptitude. How could he not remember most of his childhood? But even if he did, he didn’t want to talk about to to a stranger. Even if the stranger was a werewolf expert.

It was hard enough talking about it with Fawley.

“It’s fine,” Button said, still writing. “Let’s move on. I’m going to ask you questions about your lycanthropy and how you relate to things. Is that ok?” Remus nodded, hoping this would go better. “Just for the record, all werewolves are different, and their lycanthropy reacts differently to them. So you may have some, all, or none of this, and that’s fine, okay? Okay. Do you have heightened sense of hearing? All right. A heightened sense of smell? Okay, good. Are you colorblind? No? Hmmm. Okay. Are you unusually strong? Okay… what about a fast runner? No? How are your reflexes?”

“What do you mean? AACK!” Remus yelped as Button threw a ball at him and it smacked him in the face. “Ow!”

“All right,” Button said, writing that down while Remus rubbed his nose, glaring. “Instincts?

Remus put his hands up in case anything else was thrown at him. “I’m not sure what you mean by that either, and as for my reflexes I am very clumsy in general but I am a good duelist and have good reflexes with magic.”

Button studied him and then in the blink of an eye got his wand out, shooting a spell. Remus had seen him go for his wand and went for his own wand, unable to get the shield up in time; he began sneezing until Button removed the spell.

“I’m—normally good at that—“ he said, wiping his nose on his shoulder.

“You got your wand out and the first syllable of the spell out,” Button said. “I’m damn impressed, better than most. Your magical reflexes are good.” Button wrote that down then sat back. “What I mean by instincts is… do you enjoy digging? Are you protective of your home or personal space? Protective over food? Want to hide food? Have you formed strong bonds with anyone?”

“Oh.” Remus squirmed a little at that one. “Er. Do you mean… if I feel like… I have a… a—a pack?” he whispered.

Button arched his eyebrows high. “Do you feel like you have a pack?

Remus tugged at his shirt, not wanting to answer. The closeness he felt. The word—pack—coming unbidden over a year ago. The safety he felt with them. His anger issues slowly becoming easier to deal with since they became friends. The wolf inside of him had becoming protective of them. He wanted to say all of that, yet didn’t want to say anything at all.

“You can tell me.”

“I dunno.” Remus sniffled slightly and wiped his nose on his shoulder again. “I guess I feel close to my friends.”

Button sighed, a slightly irritated one. “That isn’t the kind of bond I meant. You said ‘pack’. Is there a reason you used that word…?” Remus pressed his lips together and shrugged. “Remus, you can tell me. It is not unusual for a werewolf to form a pack bond with others. However, typically it is with other werewolves. If you have formed a pack-bond with your friends—Black, Pettigrew, and Potter—then that is… quite impressive, as they are human and have no knowledge of your curse.”

Remus kept his face impassive although his heart began beating harder. He prayed Button wouldn’t notice anything. That was one thing that wasn’t coming out, since he was completely unsure how Button would react to it; if Fawley wasn’t going to tell him, he wasn’t going to tell him.

After a few seconds he began writing again. “You do need to be careful, though. Forming a bond like this could prove to be dangerous down the line. Werewolves… tend to really depend on their companions, if this happens, and if something were to happen to break it… it would affect you more than you might think.”

“I can’t see anything breaking us apart,” Remus muttered.

“If they find out you’re a werewolf?” Button asked, and Remus remained silent. “What about after graduation?”

That word was like a punch to his gut. “I don’t want to talk about that,” he said quickly. Uncomfortably. “I would rather focus on the here and now, thank you.” Remus began chewing at the inside of his cheek, wondering what Button was writing down. “They’re good friends.”

“I imagine they are,” Button muttered, not looking up from what he was doing. “You never answered my question, though.” He glanced up. “Do you feel as though they are your pack?”

Remus just shrugged then flinched at how annoyed he looked. “I dunno, I guess.”

“Yes or no.”

It felt like Button was squeezing at his throat, at his chest, blocking off the oxygen intake. “I—I don’t want to talk about it. Can we change the subject?”

Button stared at him for a long time before changing the subject back to instincts and then moving on to more medical related questions. He measured Remus’s height, took his weight, and did spells to record his heart rate, blood pressure, lung capacity, etc, etc. This was much, much safer to deal with than personal questions. He hated talking about himself, even to a werewolf expert. He also didn’t want to talk about the Marauders since he didn’t want Button to get suspicious of how much they knew.

“So not all werewolves have the same… things as me?” he asked as Button got ready to take some blood out. “I mean, strength or… hearing?”

“Most have the strength, not all,” Button murmured. “Hearing is also common. Heightened sense of smell isn’t, though, that’s a bit more rare. Having better reflexes is common, though, which you don’t have. Okay, hold on… annnnd… there.” Button pulled back a small vial of blood, carefully swabbing around the lid and then sticking it in a container. “I’ll examine this later. Thank you for letting me take some.”

“No problem, I usually lose it anyway.”

Button stared at him for a second then began laughing really hard.

They talked a bit more, mostly about the WCU with Button giving him a rundown on all the current members and what they looked like; he was aware Matilda Twycross’s father was one of them, and had already received a letter from him saying if he dared teach any of his ‘bleeding heart ideals’ in the classroom, Twycross would get him fired.

Then Button wrote something down and slid it over. “Get that book out of the library and read the entire thing, back to front, and upside down. I think it’s in the Restricted Section so…” He wrote something down and pushed it over. A note, giving Remus permission to check out that specific book. “We’re going to start going over some of it on Thursday.”

Remus looked down at the paper. What Was That? An Extensive History Of The Memory Charm. There was still some time before curfew so Remus went by the library to get one of the law books he had found over the summer, and then also to get the enormous tome that he wasn’t allowed to get near by himself. As Farrow took him to get it, he kept his face innocent as the librarian complained about someone trying to break into the Restricted Section the other night. Remus thanked him, and left, his bag now dragging heavily on his shoulder and making him glad he did have super strength but also wishing he had super not-needing-to-sleep abilities too with this giant book on top of everything else…

Chapter Text

On Wednesday during free period after lunch, the Marauders decided to start working on their Muggle hobbies which they hadn’t really messed with yet. They went into a courtyard and plopped down, Remus feeling a little embarrassed as he got the yarn and needles out. Until Sirius started strumming the guitar, playing all the strings at once which was a lot more embarrassing than knitting.

“Bloody hell!” James complained, dropping his juggling balls. “Haven’t you even bothered looking at the book?”

Sirius scowled. “Yes! I’m just… warming up.” He stuck his tongue out and bent over the guitar, strumming it again. “Would it be cheating if—“

“Probably,” Remus said as he tried to cast. The needles felt slippery… or maybe the yarn felt slippery. Either way, he was having difficulty getting it to stay on.

“I haven’t even finished my sentence!” Sirius argued.

“Does it involve magic?” Sirius pressed his lips thin and shrugged. “Then it’s cheating.”

“You guys should have picked scrap-booking with me,” Peter said, his crafts laid out all nice and neat as he cut a picture out with goofy-looking scissors. “Except James.”

“Why except me?!” James demanded angrily.

Peter held the scissors up. “You with scissors just seems danger—OWWW!” he yelped as James threw one of his balls right at Peter’s face. “Arse!”

Sirius straightened up, grinning. “I think they’re supposed to go up in the air, not straight out like that. Hey!” He ducked as James threw one of the other balls. “Don’t lose them.”

“Don’t lose them,” James mocked as he went to get them. “I should have chosen knitting, then I could stab you.”

Sirius stuck his tongue out, tucked his hair behind his ear, then bent back over as he tried to play. “I was going to ask if it was cheating if I used magic to make my fingertips a bit numb but I guess it would be, huh.”

“Keep playing like that and we’ll need to make our ears numb,” Peter said as he applied some glue to the back of the photo and stuck it on the paper. “Actually this feels kinda cheaty. This is so simple.”

“It’s weird,” James said, trying to toss the balls in the air again. “You can’t have it have flashing colors or moving pictures or if you make a mistake you can’t fix it. You can’t even unstick a picture if you put it in all wonky. Is this juggling, you think?”

“You need more than one ball to juggle,” Remus said, feeling victorious as he finally got the yarn on his needles and the first row started. “Oh, newts. How do Muggles do tension?”

Sirius swung the guitar off his neck and grabbed Remus, shoving him to the ground. “Like this I imagine,” he said, falling on top of him, their faces almost touching. “Same as wizards.”

Remus kicked at him, heart starting to beat faster at the closeness. Oh, Merlin. “Not THAT kind of tension you nitwit!” He shoved Sirius off of him and brushed himself off. “Yarn tension! Look what you made me do, I have to start all over.” He picked the yarn up, brushing the dirt off, and then got the book out, ignoring the pounding in his chest. “Ohhh, right, I remember Mum teaching me this.” He got a new row started and wrapped the yarn around his finger which he hadn’t done in a couple of years since he learned how to do a tension spell. “Okay.” Except it was hard to focus because he kept imagining Sirius throwing him to the ground, and sort’ve wanted it to happen again. He stared intently at his needles, trying to ignore those thoughts. Trying to focus on his boyfriend. Trying not to think of Sirius on him, face so close they could have kissed. His smell. His smile.

Aegis, Remus thought desperately, dropping the next stitch and having to redo it. Aegis, Aegis, Aegis!

Since they didn’t have time to go trooping back up to the Gryffindor tower, they stashed their hobbies in their bags—except Sirius who had a guitar case—and headed to Herbology. Almost as soon as they went into the greenhouse, Sirius started getting questions about his guitar which he happily showed off until Sprout told him to please put it away. Sirius strummed the guitar and said he’d do anything for such a pretty Professor, and Sprout rolled her eyes, shaking her head as Sirius put the guitar up.

*

Remus kept picturing it in his head, all through the rest of the afternoon and supper… and after supper, as he went to meet with Aegis. He rubbed his cheeks as he walked, wondering if that was the sort of thing he should tell Aegis. Sirius hadn’t even meant anything by it, was only meaning tension to start a fight and not… romantic tension… (because why would it be...?) but still. If it wasn’t for the fact he couldn’t stop thinking about it, he wouldn’t even consider it to be something to tell Aegis. If it even was something to tell him. Maybe he was making too much out of it? Or perhaps not enough…

How would I feel if I knew that happened to Aegis? he wondered, picturing a handsome boy throwing Aegis to the ground. Of course if anyone was doing that to Aegis it was probably to hurt him and not goofing off, so all Remus felt was anger which didn’t help him at all.

All thoughts about the incident dissolved as soon as Aegis slipped into the passage where they were meeting. Remus smiled and went over to hug him. “You’ve been painting,” he said immediately, arms tightening around him before they pulled apart.

“How did you know?” Aegis asked, eyes big.

“You’ve got paint on your cheek…” Remus laughed. “We were practicing our h—no, other side… no… here.” He took the damp handkerchief and held Aegis’s chin, both of them going rather pink at the contact as Remus wiped away the light green paint. “There. We were, er, practicing our stuff today too.”

“Oh.” Aegis took the handkerchief back, fiddling with it. “How is it going?”

“Errrmmm… I thought it would be easier since I essentially learned how to knit the Muggle way, but it’s been so long and I realized my mother uses magicked needles anyway…” Remus sat down on the floor, and Aegis followed suit. “It took forever to get the row started. How’s painting?”

“I managed to make a blob,” Aegis said with a nod.

Remus snickered. “I’m sure it’s a very nice blob.”

They fell into silence, Remus picking at his trousers as he debated whether or not to inform him about the incident. Then they both started speaking at the same time, both stopped, then both started again, and wound up laughing. Remus urged Aegis to go on, Aegis told Remus to go first, Remus insisted Aegis start, and then Aegis asked if he wanted to kiss. The question took him a little by surprise, mostly since they hadn’t talked much, but he agreed, and Aegis leaned in kissing him; Aegis held one of Remus’s hands and his other hand went to his shoulder. His right shoulder thankfully, so if his hand went down there wouldn’t be any problem.

After a few moments, though, he had to pull away. “Sorry, need to breath,” he said.

“It’s all right.” Aegis looked very pleased. “I hope that was okay.”

“Yes. Er. Was I… okay?” Remus scooted back a bit, smoothing his own hair down in the back, not sure if it was all messy from where Aegis had grappled with it during the snogging. He’d have to make sure to fix his hair before leaving, just in case.

Aegis stared. “Oh. Yes. I didn’t want to stop.”

“Oh.” Remus scratched the back of his head, mentally preparing himself then leaning in. Aegis wound his hand around the back of his head again, and they began kissing more more. It did feel nice, but also weird, and a bit uncomfortable, and anxiety-inducing. So many thoughts flitted through his head which he tried to banish because he knew he should focus solely on the kissing but when he did he just felt more anxious and—

“Shit.”

Remus pushed Aegis away and Aegis looked hurt until the entrance to the passage opened. Aegis quickly scooted back and they pulled books out of their bags as a couple of sixth years headed their way, holding hands and clearly getting ready to do what Remus and Aegis were doing. They stopped when they saw the two boys and one said something about not realizing anyone else knew about the passage. They then inquired what they were doing there, which Aegis replied they were studying.

“Can you leave?” the girl asked rudely.

“Jenna!” the boy grumbled.

“We can go.” Remus shoved his book back in the bag and got up. “We can study in the library.”

They left the passage, both of them snickering a bit, and wound up going outside to walk around and chat. This was a lot nicer than kissing, in Remus’s opinion; or rather… maybe not kissing but heavy kissing. For now he simply enjoyed Aegis’s company and by the time he headed back to the tower (one more brief kiss, hidden down a shadowy corridor) his heart was bursting with joy.

Until he again thought of Sirius on him, so close.

His heart dropped faster than the stitch earlier, and he began trudging, feeling exceedingly confused…

*

Something happened. Or at least Remus thought something happened, as throughout most of the next morning, James seemed unusually awkward, and Sirius unusually subdued. He wondered if they had a fight except they weren’t avoiding each other… not really. Sometimes when James looked at Sirius, Sirius would avert his gaze as if he didn’t want James looking at him.

James kept giving odd looks to Remus, too, which made him uncomfortable. Since he didn’t to Peter, Remus got the strangest feeling that the fight (or whatever it was) was about him. That felt a bit egotistical—there were loads of reasons James and Sirius might fight… even if it wasn’t one of their usual fights…

“Is something going on?” Remus finally asked after their free period, as they were headed to Potions. Sirius and Peter were walking ahead and Remus tugged James back a bit.

“What d’you mean?” James asked.

Remus nodded his head towards Sirius. “Did you two fight?”

“Huh? Oh.” James smirked. “No. We didn’t fight. I guess it’s one of those days.”

“You both seem weird,” Remus pointed out. “Peter noticed it too.”

James shrugged. “Dunno what to say, mate.” Suddenly he looked a little amused. “Maybe you should ask Sirius about it. He’d probably tell you.”

Remus didn’t like the way James was grinning, and was immediately suspicious. “Yeah, I might,” he said, with no intention of doing it because he had the distinct feeling James was trying to bait Sirius into something by having Remus question him, and Remus was not going to get in the middle of it. He just hoped whatever it was would smooth out soon enough.

*

In Ancient Runes, it promised to be a good day as Quirke announced they’d be doing a multi-day project with partners. Remus and Aegis exchanged happy looks until Codde said that the partners would be at random. Remus’s smile disappeared and his stomach began turning sour. Codde had a bowl full of slips of papers and the names she pulled out would be the pairs. Except for the first one, which would be a group of three. The first name she plucked out of the bowl was Avery, and Remus held his breath… but the next two were Minerva Uphadhyay and Adelaide Edelman.

A couple of names later Twycross was called and Remus crossed his fingers this time then tried not to laugh when Abigail Nott was called. The Gryffindor and Slytherin looked at each other in slight horror then Nott groaned while Twycross stuck her nose in the air.

One by one names were called which weren’t Remus, or Lily, or Aegis. “Frederick Jacobs,” Codde said then fished for another name. “With Greta Catchlove.” Twelve names left. “Severus Snape.” Remus held his breath again. “With Remus Lupin.” Remus’s head dropped onto his desk while Snape’s hand shot up with Codde ignored. “Janus Lovell.”

“Professor,” Snape said.

“With Zeus Vasileiou. Mr. Snape, please wait until after I am done for questions, thank you. Charles Hill. With Fenella McCormack. Mr. Snape, please lower your hand. Themis Alexander with Athena Magpie—“

“Professor,” Snape tried again.

Professor Codde gave him an icy stare. “What is it?”

“May I please request a different partner?”

“You may request a different partner, however you will not be getting a different partner,” Codde said, snatching another name from the four remaining. “Lily Evans with Archimedes Bottlebrush, which leaves…” She took the last two slips. “Clara Little and Aegis Silverlocke. Now. Mr. Snape, did you have an actual question or is it just a complaint?”

Snape lowered his hand. “Lupin’s got some sort of disease, I refuse to work with him.”

“Severus,” Lily hissed out, and Snape kept his eyes forward although he looked slightly ashamed.

Quirke stood up, the beads in her braids clacking together. “Whatever Mr. Lupin has is not contagious. Your partners are final, and that’s that. Now. Er. What was the project again?” She looked at Codde.

“You are to write a short essay about one another,” Codde said. “It must be entirely in runes although you don’t need to worry too much about grammar. You will supply an English translation alongside which must be at least a foot long, and the runic version needs to make enough sense to match it. You must write about the other person and not yourself. Any questions?”

Since there weren’t, Quirke and Codde began teaching while Remus scribbled out notes, clenching his teeth, trying his best to ignore the glowers Snape was giving him—as if it were his fault. After class let out, Snape leapt to his feet and went to the teachers, pleading with them again to allow him to switch around. Codde informed them that the main reason they chose random was to make the assignment a little more difficult, so not everyone would just be writing about people they already knew.

“This will be a good chance to get to know each other,” Codde said.

Remus waited by the door and cleared his throat as Snape brushed past him. “I think we should meet—“ Snape kept walking and, giving an annoyed sound, Remus hurried after him. “I think we should get this over with as soon as possible. We could meet tomorrow after supp… er… erm. We can meet… Saturday.”

Snape stopped in his tracks, Remus almost running into him. “After supper tonight, we’ll get this over with as quickly as we can.”

Remus swallowed. “I, erm, can’t meet tonight.” Beyond Snape he saw the Marauders who were waiting near the end of the corridor, all three looking shocked as he talked to Snape. “Unless you wanted to have supper together.”

Snape bent in, his nose an inch from Remus’s. “I’d rather lick a dungbomb. After supper.”

“I can’t—“

You’ll have to tell your idiot friends you’ll be… idiots with them some other time.” Snape whirled back around and stormed off. “Tonight.”

“I’M MEETING A TEA—cher…” Remus let out a groan as Snape took a different corridor to leave. “Don’t look at me like that,” he grumbled as the Marauders hurried over. “I wasn’t talking to him because I wanted to. We are forced to do a Runes assignment together.” James got a huge grin on his face and wrapped an arm around Remus’s shoulder, forefinger pointing as he opened his mouth to say something. “No,” Remus said before he could speak.

James looked indignant. “I didn’t say anything!”

“I know you want me to do something to him while we’re working on this,” Remus complained, ducking out from under his arm. “Or sabotaging him. And the answer to all of that is no.”

“Dementor,” James complained.

“Nor are you to bother us when we do meet up,” Remus added.

Sirius stuck his tongue out. “Double dementor. Aren’t you meeting Button tonight?”

Remus raked his fingers through his hair as the four of them began walking. “Yes, I am. I tried explaining to him but naturally he didn’t listen. I’ll have to try again later.”

None of their remaining classes that day were with Slytherin, so Remus didn’t a chance until before supper where he waited outside the Great Hall. When Snape showed up, he did his best to storm past Remus while Remus followed him trying to explain he wouldn’t be able to do anything that evening. Snape angrily agreed to meet the next evening, which meant Remus would have to put off having Aegis time which was less scary to do than putting off his meeting with Button. Though he wished he could postpone his lessons with Button especially since the second he walked through the door he was told ‘bag down, wand out’.

The next forty minutes were spent going over the wandwork side of the Memory Charm. They stood side-by-side (which was hilariously ridiculous considering the height and muscle difference between them) while Remus kept his eyes on Button’s wand and did his best to imitate. Button showed him how to hold the wand, how to twist his wrist, how to do the movement—easy and slow at first.

Then Button dragged Remus over the blackboard and attached pieces of chalk to the ends of both their wand. Button flourished his wand towards the blackboard and performed the movement, drawing a shape.

“Now do that.”

Remus flourished his own wand and drew something that looked nothing like that Button showed up. He did it again, and again, and continued to mess up despite his wrists doing more or less the correct movement. Button gently took hold of his hand, guiding him.

“You’ve got the movement right but you’ve got no control over the end,” he explained. “If the chalk was back here in your hand you’d draw it. But you’ve got to flow out through the wand, clear to the tip. Your wand is an extension of you. Not just the handle but all of it.”

“I know,” Remus said, feeling irritated. He was good at spells. Good with wandwork. Why was he having so much difficultly? He tried again and again, then lowered his hand, growling a bit.

Button sighed. “Don’t get frustrated. You’re doing better than pretty much everyone else I’ve taught at this point. I think you’ve got high expectations.”

“It’s… I can do the movement right,” Remus argued.

“There’s a big difference between moving the wand correctly and having the entire wand be part of you,” Button said. “Here. This is the wand movement for lumos, one of the most basic spells. You can do it perfectly, right?” Remus nodded. “Watch.” Button did the movement at the blackboard, drawing. “Now you.”

Remus did it as well, and the drawing, while looking similar, was quite wonky. He stared in surprise. “But—but I can… but that’s—“

Button clasped his shoulder. “Ninety percent of all witches and wizards focus only on the movement in their hand, with their wrist. They don’t feel it through the entire wand. This is what separates the good from the great. Now, the Memory Charm is very delicate, very dangerous. One little thing goes wrong and you can destroy someone’s brain. Oh, don’t give me that look, you’ll be fine. You need to be delicate and precise. Not just the movement—which, really, would be fine… but in your case it’s better if you don’t wipe out a section of memory.”

Button let go of him and took the chalk off his wand to start drawing. He drew a happy stick figure then a shocked stick figure then a second happy stick figure. Then he repeated it underneath.

“These are memories. Two happy memories and then a memory of finding a werewolf. Most people can simply do this.” He swiped the chalk across the top row, drawing a line through all three stick figures. “Which is fine. No huge risk. But to keep yourself as safe as fucking possible you need to do this.” He then drew a line through the shocked stick figure in the second row, leaving the two happy ones alone. “You need to be able to go in and extract out one single little memory, or a whole slew of them, without touching anything around it. The more precise, the more safe.”

Remus stared at the stick figures. At the shocked face behind the line. “I don’t know if I can do that—OW!” he yelped as a softened mug hit his head. “Why did you do that?!”

“I don’t want to hear those words in here,” Button snapped. “You can do it, and you will do it. Eventually. Let’s get back to the movement. Do you know what a wand is?”

Remus looked down at his wand then held it back up. “Is that a trick question?” Button simply looked at him. “A wand is an instrument used to channel our magic and focus it.”

Button got his wand out and then pointed it at Remus, saying a strange spell. Blue lines began glowing along Remus’s body, almost making him a stick figure himself; the one going down his right arm and hand kept going out down his wand. “Imagine that’s your magic. Now tell me again what a wand is.”

Remus opened and closed his mouth, brow furrowing slightly. “An… extension of my own magic.”

Button nodded and tucked his own wand in his beard so he could clap his hands slowly and deliberately. “Flitwick told me you were doing good with the growth spell. Better than anyone else your age at this point. How did you manage to do that?”

Remus brushed his fringe from his eyes. “The wand movement is a rune. I think about that rune and focus on what it means in regards to the spell.”

“One of the most important aspects of that specific spell is the wand movement,” Button said, pacing back and forth. “Show me, on the blackboard.”

Remus flourished his wand and did the movement, drawing a slightly crooked but very good rendition of the growth rune.

“So why are you having trouble with the Memory Charm movement?”

Remus blinked a few times. “I’m… I don’t know.”

Button was suddenly in front of him and lightly rapped his knuckles against Remus’s head. “You do know, boy. You do know! Think! Think!”

“I…” He stared at the board, at his failed ‘drawings’ and the rune. “I’m… thinking about the rune and how it looks along with the movement. But with the Memory Charm… and other spells… I… only… think of the movement and not… how it’s supposed to look? I mean. I imagine my wand moving, but not… what it’s drawing?”

Button clapped again, this time enthusiastically. “You see the motions, not the result. You’re able to do the growth movement well because you can see the rune in your head.” He grabbed Remus’s head and pointed him towards the drawing he himself had made. “It’s not a rune, but see it in your head anyway. It’s there. It’s as important as the rune. Now… go.”

Remus took in a deep breath and did the movement again, this time making something that resembled Button’s drawing. Button punched the air and clapped Remus on the back so hard it knocked him over. Remus got to his feet, beaming. He felt so good! Exhausted, but good—and also very proud of himself. He sort’ve expected that would be it but Button made him do it again and again and again, for nearly an hour until his arm felt like it was going to fall off. By the end his drawing was a little shaky but recognizable as what it was supposed to be; not perfect, but on its way.

They sat down at the desk for some tea and biscuits, while Button asked him questions regarding the book he was reading. He told Remus that while he wanted him to read the whole thing, he didn’t need to read it all at once and that it was better to take his time. Remus nodded and thanked him, and was glad to be dismissed. There was still an hour before curfew but Remus headed to his dorm anyway, crawling into his bed and collapsing down until the other Marauders showed up to play some games before bed.

*

Friday felt like it zipped by way too fast, although the upside was whatever caused problems between James and Sirius seemed to be over since they were both back to normal. The only time it slowed down was after Charms when he told Aegis he couldn’t meet him that night due to the fact he had to meet with Snape. Aegis looked disappointed, but understood. After supper, Remus steeled himself and went into the library.

Snape was already there, waiting near the entrance, arms folded tightly over his chest. He glared when Remus appeared, muttering something about him taking so long. Remus started to respond—snarkily—then changed his mind, suggesting they find a table to sit at. When they did, Remus took his Runes book out of his bag, parchment, ink, quills, spreading everything out neatly in front of him and wincing when Snape let his book thud heavily on the table.

“You should have met me last night,” he said, sinking into the chair opposite.

Remus uncorked one of the ink pots. “I had to meet with Professor Button.”

“Get into trouble with him, did you?”

“No. I’m helping him with things,” Remus sniffled, carefully dabbing the quill into the pot; when he looked up, he saw Snape looked rather surprised. “What?”

Snape shut his mouth. “Professor Button doesn’t seem the sort to want any help with anything, unless he needs a victim.”

Remus let the excess ink drip back into the pot. “Really?” he asked lightly. “I find him to be very nice.” He wished he had Pete’s camera to take a picture of Snape’s expression. “Now, shall we begin? If we get enough now, we’ll only need to meet once more—“

“Once more?” Snape cut him off. “What for?”

Severus Snape, Remus wrote carefully at the top of the page. “I… thought we should proofread one another’s essays. To make sure everything is factual and correct.”

Snape groaned. “Fine.” He angrily wrote Remus’s name down. “I don’t even know what we’re supposed to be writing about. Our lives? Because I will not write an essay about you and your stupid, oafish, pointless friends.”

“And I don’t want to write about—“ Remus stopped himself before James’s words could come out on his tongue. “Never mind.”

“What?” Snape asked and Remus ducked his head. “Go on, say it.”

“It’s nothing,” he said stiffly. “That you don’t have friends.” Snape blinked. “I was going to say your sad, friendless life. But it isn’t true. Nor do I wish to get into that sort of thing.”

Snape sneered at him. “Your friends would.”

Remus gave him a scathing look. “I’m not them. Now… I don’t know either what we’re supposed to write about.” He began chewing on the end of his quill. “I’d rather not discuss my personal life—“

“Remus Lupin is a twat who causes trouble,” Snape said in a mocking tone, pretending to write.

“Severus Snape is excellent at potions,” Remus said through gritted teeth, trying to be nice.

Snape once again looked a bit surprised. “Why are you even friends with them? They don’t really care about you, you know. They’re just using you.”

“Yes, you’ve said that before,” Remus muttered, staring down at the empty sheet of paper then writing down the bit about potions. “Why do you like making potions?”

“Does that matter?”

“I’m trying to think of something to write for the essay!” Remus snapped a bit louder than he intended, which gained him a ‘shhhh’ from some nearby students. Snape snickered while Remus sunk down in his seat. “I need something to write about. You’re half-and-half, right? Which parent is Muggle?”

Snape went a strange pallid shade. “My home life is none of your business, nor will it be part of the essay.”

Remus gave up and slammed his quill down, leaning forward. “You have to give me something to write about!”

“You haven’t given me anything,” Snape pointed out.

“That’s because you’ve not asked anything!”

Snape tilted his head. “I did ask why you’re friends with those two morons.”

They stared at each other for several seconds before Remus sank back again. “They’re good friends. Better friends than I ever expected I’d be lucky enough to have. Peter, too.” He picked his quill back up, making a slight face at the blob of ink that had spread on the table. Sighing, he got some Ink-Away from his bag and mopped it up. As he did, he felt something funny in his head. He pressed his fingertips against his temple, wondering if he was getting a headache from this. At least the ink was cleaned up, and he tossed his stained handkerchief in his bag. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

Snape glanced away. “You’re so weird.”

Remus sat upright in his seat, adjusting his position slightly, feeling funnier. It was on the tip of this tongue whatever the matter was, but it slipped away. “Can we just get working on this? Please?”

“What should we write about, then?” Snape asked, his black eyes snapping back to Remus. “There is nothing about you I care about enough to write.”

“It isn’t about caring about the subject,” Remus pointed out. “I have no intention of getting a poor grade because you’d rather sit there and whinge.”

“I’m not whinging.”

“Okay. How about this. My favorite class is Defense Against the Dark Arts. What about yours?”

Snape’s eyes narrowed. “Same, unfortunately. Why do you look shocked?”

“I… figured it would be Potions,” Remus muttered, blinking rapidly as he wrote that down. Part of him wondered about Snape’s grades in Defense, which he quickly dismissed; it wasn’t any of his business. Besides. Charlemagne had made it clear Remus was the best third year in his lessons. Not that… that mattered…

“Are we going to write about lessons?” Snape drew out in a derisive tone. “Because that seems boring.”

“What do you think we should—“ Remus started to say loudly then quickly pressed his lips together as he got another ‘shhhh’. “You’re not giving me anything. Except hounding me about my friends, which this essay isn’t about our friends. It’s about us. I write about you, you write about—what are you writing down?”

“What disease do you have?” There was a long stretch of silence. Slowly Snape looked into his face, a cold smirk spreading across his lips as Remus remained silent. “Well?”

Remus swallowed. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“You wanted me to ask you something. How contagious is it? How long have you had it? What does it do?”

He felt himself go red. “If you insist on writing about my illness, I will tell Professors Quirke and Codde that I felt uncomfortable with you trying to pry into something so personal and that we will both take failing grades rather than work together.”

At least that got Snape to stop writing. “For Merlin’s sake, stop being so churlish.”

Remus rubbed his face, trying to suppress a groan and failing. This was definitely getting ridiculous. “How about this. We write down some things about ourselves then exchange the papers and go from there.”

Snape gave a sniffle. “Very well.” He shoved his book into his bag and stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“We don’t need to sit together to do that,” Snape said. “I’ll give it to you tomorrow.” With that he stormed off, robes billowing behind him as he went.

Remus let his head thunk down on the table, and another groan came out. Although that had gone quite a lot better than he was expecting, as he had expected the whole thing to end up with spells being exchanged and them being banned from the library for a while.

Slowly he lifted his head and began writing down some information for Snape, deciding he should probably talk to Quirke and Codde anyway regarding his illness and that he made it clear he didn’t want Snape writing anything about it. He had a sneaking suspicion Snape would do it without his permission and probably make things up.

After writing a couple of pages of things for the Slytherin, Remus put everything in his bag and got up, debating whether to go back to the Gryffindor tower or try to go find Aegis. Both made him feel a bit weary, and ultimately he simply sat back down and worked on some of his other homework instead.

Chapter Text

Professor Bramblethorn was the talk of many of the male students, and some of the girls or at least Remus assumed since Lily had hissed in his ear on the way to Astronomy that night that it wasn’t fair Bramblethorn was so pretty.

“How am I supposed to focus on the stars when she’s right there?” Lily asked desperately as they took the final steps to the top of the Astronomy tower.

“I managed Defense with Prewett, you’ll do fine with this,” Remus hissed right back, and Lily rolled her eyes at him.

“Hello Professor!” Sirius sang out, as he was at the lead of the pack. “How are you this beautiful night?”

“Good evening, Mr. Black,” Bramblethorn said with an amused smile. “Mr. Potter, please don’t touch the telescope without permission. I’m doing well, thank you. Mr. Potter, please don’t lean over the railing like that.”

“Spring never cared,” James said, sullenly returning to Sirius’s side.

Bramblethorn arched her eyebrows. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not Professor Spring.”

“Oh, I noticed, Professor,” Sirius said in a flirty tone that caused several students to snicker, and Lily and Remus to roll their eyes at each other.

“Spring never cared because he could barely see what you were doing,” Peter whispered to James who merely shrugged. “What were you even gonna do?”

“See how far I could throw a stink pellet,” James whispered back. “It’s been several months since I last did it, and wanted to see if I could beat my old record.”

Class proceeded as normal with Bramblethorn discussing various constellations they could see above them, Remus trying to take notes, and Peter trying not to get too distracted by James and Sirius goofing off. At the end of the lesson she assigned a small essay and dismissed class while asking James to please stay behind for a few minutes.

Sirius, Peter, and Remus went down the winding steps and then waited across from the entrance, debating how much trouble James was in. Soon Peter started yawning followed by Remus. Sirius suggested they both go ahead and head back to the dorms but neither wanted to. Besides, it was Friday night… well, technically early Saturday at this point and they didn’t need to get up early.

A few minutes turned into several which turned into almost ten before James finally trudged down the steps with a cross look on his face.

“I’m not in trouble,” he muttered when Sirius inquired about his punishment. “It’s nothing.”

“She wanted to talk to you about something,” Pete said as the four began walking.

James kicked at the ground as he went, looking very upset. “It was nothing. You know, she isn’t as great as we thought she was. We should prank her.”

“I think she’s great,” Sirius said.

James actually shot him a dark look. “You think her tits are great, which is really funny, isn’t it?”

The other three stopped in their tracks. “Whoa,” Sirius finally said, scurrying after him. “What’s got your potion on the fire?” There was something else laced in his voice. Almost a threat.

“Nothing!” he snapped. “It’s nothing! Look, can we talk about something else? A prank—let’s figure out a prank, we’ve barely done anything since the feast. We should do something big tomorrow or Sunday.” James gave them a hopeful glance now, and the conversation was changed even though they were all dying to know what caused James to get so upset.

They weren’t able to finalize any plans before Peter and Remus fell asleep together on the Cloud, but come morning they began working on it once more. It grew more complex—a bit too complex to be completed that weekend, so they shifted it to the following weekend. Besides, the Gryffindor Quidditch tryouts were going to be that day which had James in a tizzy despite the fact they were only going to be trying out for a Keeper, really. Patricia Bell did prefer everyone to ‘try out’ although those who had been on the team before were more or less guaranteed a spot.

Except after the Marauders ate their very late breakfast, a Prefect appeared to inform James that Professor McGonagall needed to see him in her office right away.

“But tryouts start soon,” James protested.

The Prefect squinted. “Don’t Gryffindor tryouts start at one today? That’s in two hours.”

“Yes but I need to get my head into the right place,” James pushed. “Could you tell her I’ll come by after?”

“I most certainly will not,” the Prefect snapped back. “If you wish to tell her, go ahead. But she’s expecting you right now, Potter, and I wouldn’t want to keep her waiting.” With that the Prefect walked off.

Sirius turned to James, brow slightly furrowed. “What’s going on?”

James jutted his jaw out, scowling. “I don’t know.”

“Is it because of Bramblethorn last night?” Pete asked.

James didn’t answer, he simply started walking, brushing past all of them without another word. They exchanged looks and followed, knowing they wouldn’t be able to go in with him but at least they could wait outside for him. When the door opened to let James in, Remus saw there were five adults inside. McGonagall, Pomfrey, Bramblethorn, and James’s parents. The door quickly swung shut, and no sounds emerged.

“Did… I see Monty and Effie?” Sirius asked.

Remus nodded, sinking down onto a bench and sticking his hand up his sleeve to scratch at his wrist. Parents being called in was never a good sign. And why was—

“And Pomfrey,” Peter added with a nervous squeak as he sat down next to Remus.

Sirius began pacing, raking his fingers through his hair. “Why’s she there? I s’pose the only good thing is Dumbles isn’t in there. Unless he is, and we didn’t see him…”

Minutes ticked by and Sirius kept pacing until the fifteen minute mark when he finally sat down. Remus was getting a bit bored waiting but the thought of doing anything else was agony, so he slid farther back on the bench, pulled his feet up, and hugged his legs close. The magic keeping sounds from leaving the room was strong, and Remus got absolutely no hints whatsoever.

“Merlin,” Sirius grumbled after fifteen more minutes went by. “What is it you two sometimes say? God.”

“What if James is dying?” Peter blurted out.

“James isn’t dying,” Sirius said, reaching across Remus so he could smack Peter’s head. “Besides, if he was sick, Remus would know. Right?”

Peter looked as confused as Remus felt. “How would Remus know?”

“Yeah, how would I know?” Remus asked, looking up at Sirius questioningly.

Sirius shrugged. “Your sense of smell, can’t dogs smell things like that?”

Even though he thought he could (sometimes), after what happened with his mother, Remus pressed his lips thin, a flash of irritation surging through him. “I’m not a dog.”

Now Sirius looked flustered. “Er—I wasn’t meaning—I just meant—your sense of smell—er—sorry, Remy, I didn’t—“

The door opened and all three leapt to their feet as James stormed out with his mother on his heels, while the others remained in the office talking. He stopped quickly when he saw his friends then glanced away. Mrs. Potter put a hand on his shoulder which he shoved away in a manner that would have gotten Remus slapped by Lyall.

“Hello Sirius, Peter, Remus,” Mrs. Potter said pleasantly.

“Hello Effie,” Sirius replied in a strained voice, eyes on James. “What’s going on?”

Mrs. Potter opened her mouth but James spoke first. “Nothing. Nothing’s going on.”

“Jamie,” Mrs. Potter said gently, “it isn’t anything bad.”

“Yes it is!” James argued back. “It’s—I don’t want to—it isn’t—“

The other adults came out of the room, Pomfrey going over to him, looking unphased as usual. “We won’t need to start until tomorrow, so you don’t need to worry about tryouts.”

“I DON’T WANT TO START!” James yelled. “Can’t everyone just leave me alone? I’ve been FINE! Nothing’s CHANGED! Why’s it suddenly a problem?!”

Remus shrank back, slightly worried James was sick. He didn’t dare open his mouth, though. Peter cowered next to him. The only one daring enough to speak was, naturally, Sirius. “Jimsy, what’s going on?” he asked.

James shoved his glasses up his nose, sending dark looks at the adults around him. “Go on, then. Say it. Tell them. I’m sick.”

Peter gasped and grabbed Remus’s hand while Sirius’s eyes went enormous.

“Oh for Merlin’s sake, you aren’t sick,” Mr. Potter said, also shoving his glasses up his nose in an identical manner to his son. “It isn’t anything bad.”

James folded his arms, shoulders hunching, the scowl deepening. At the end of the corridor a few students started walking down then stopped when they saw the group and quickly turned to go another way. “Are we done here? I want to go start practicing for tryouts.”

“Yes, but you will be going to Madame Pomfrey’s office tomorrow morning at ten,” Mr. Potter said sternly.

James shot his father a murderous look then whirled around and stomped off. The other Marauders hesitated, not sure whether to follow him or not until he turned around, walking backwards as he asked if they were coming to cheer him on or not. They all muttered goodbyes to the adults and hurried after their friend.

Once they were suitably far enough away, Sirius grabbed James’s arm. “What in Merlin’s name is going on?”

James shrugged him off. “It’s nothing—“

“It’s not nothing,” Peter whined. “Obviously it’s something. You have to see Pomfrey tomorrow? And you said you were sick? Though your father said—“

James stopped in his tracks, standing there with his arms rigid at his sides, staring at nothing. The others stopped and looked at him, waiting. Finally his shoulders began slumping again and he went and sank down on a nearby bench, putting his head in his hands.

“Shit.” Sirius was at his side in an instant. “James. What is it?”

“I’ve got SAM,” he said miserably.

“Huh?” Pete asked.

“Oh,” Remus said, everything clicking into place and realizing how much sense that made. James looked up, giving him a strange look. “Sorry. I—I just suppose… it does… make sense…”

“Not you too!” James wailed, in a betrayed sort of tone.

“Sorry, what the hell is SAM?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah, that’s… I dunno,” Peter added, scratching his head.

James flung himself back against the wall, arms folding again, glowering. “Remus, you tell them since you’re obviously such an expert.”

Remus felt his cheeks flushing. “I’m not an expert. I don’t know much about it, only bits I’ve read which—I didn’t mean to upset you by saying it made sense.” But it did make sense, a lot of the symptoms fitting James.

Sirius shook his head. “Stop being vague and tell me. If my brother’s sick, I wanna know.”

James gave a half-hearted smile at that and leaned into him. Sirius put an arm around him. “Splinched Attention Malady,” he said with a heavy sigh. “Which apparently my parents suspected I might have had before, they just never thought to get me tested. It means I have problems with… with my attention span, and I’m impulsive, and can be really hyper and excitable and have a lot of energy.”

Sirius burst into laughter. “Yeah, that’s you. Ow!” He rubbed his arm when James punched it. “C’mon, mate, you gotta admit that’s you to a T.”

James sniffled. “Apparently so.”

“What does it mean?” Peter asked, sitting on James’s other side. “Is it dangerous?”

“No,” James answered, rubbing his forehead. “It just mostly means I need to start taking medication every day to help me focus better. But I don’t want to! I like me. I like how I am! I don’t… I don’t want to change!”

Remus shifted from foot to foot. “If the medication is only supposed to help you focus, then it won’t really change you,” he said anxiously, wishing he knew more about that side of things; he felt a little annoyed at himself for not knowing more. “I can do some research for you, if you want.”

James gave him a grateful look. “That might help, yeah. I dunno. I just… I don’t know.” He slid his fingers up under his glasses, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t know what’s so wrong with being like this.”

“Hey,” Sirius said, putting his arm back around James. “Look at it this way. If it’s just supposed to help you focus, maybe it will help you plan pranks more.”

James raised his eyebrows. “Well. Maybe,” he said, a bit doubtfully but not as miserably as he had been. “That’s the thing. I can focus just fine when it’s things I like! Like pranks and Quidditch and our Animagus stuff. I can focus! It’s when it’s boring stuff I don’t care, which—I mean—who can pay attention to boring stuff besides Remus?”

“That’s… part of SAM,” Remus said, ignoring the comment about himself. “I’m pretty sure. When it’s something you’re interested in, it’s easy for you to pay attention and focus. Otherwise, it’s difficult.”

“Maybe I got it too,” Peter suddenly said. “I have trouble focusing.”

James shook his head. “I highly doubt you have it, all the hippogriff shit they said about it suits me more than you. I dunno.” He began mussing his hair up. “I don’t know! I don’t like that all of a sudden it’s a problem when it never was before! I mean, yeah, teachers would constantly tell me I need to focus more or calm down…”

“Why is it suddenly a thing?” Sirius asked. “Is that what Bramblethorn talked to you about last night?”

James nodded miserably. “Her son has SAM, so she saw similarities between us. She asked me last night, which I didn’t… I told her no, but she suggested we talk to Pomfrey and my parents and—ugh. It’s just such a mess.” He put his face in his hands again. “S’not faiiiiir!”

Sirius hugged James tightly, and James hugged back, the two clinging to each other for a moment before James got up, brushing himself off, and insisting they go ahead and go to the Quidditch pitch. The sudden switch in his mood and the conversation almost made Remus want to laugh considering what they were just talking about, but he kept that to himself. He offered to swing by the library to get a book on SAM to maybe help, and James said that would be great, if Remus didn’t mind. Remus replied he did mind going to the library and James slugged his arm. Laughing now, Remus hurried off.

There really wasn’t much at all in the library, which didn’t surprise Remus; there rarely was much information about health issues that weren’t physical. There were dozens upon dozens of tomes about broken bones, cuts, bruises, ruptured organs, missing limbs, etc, etc. There were two books involving depression and one of them was shared with other issues, too. There were also two books on SAM. One was very thin and just sorta listed the symptoms and possibly potions to help (mostly emphasizing calming potions, written in 1909). The other was a newer text, still pretty thin but had a bit more information. Remus checked that one out and then literally ran into someone as he hurried out the door.