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Soft evening moonlight crept through the small cracks of the blinds on his window, illuminating his room enough to see, but keeping it dark enough so that the darkness around him still felt oppressive. Soul was sitting on his bed, facing the wall and staring at it as his mind spiraled into the usual self deprecating thoughts. He didn't know why he didn't feel like enough, or why he never felt like others understood him- despite their reassurances that they did- or why he felt like a failure. No one had ever outright said it to him but it was always implied in the way they spoke and acted with him. It had always followed him like a ball and chain, weighing him down and tiring him out.
The first time he couldn't handle the mental exhaustion was when he was ten and he dealt with it with scissors. Since then, every time he reached his limit, he would also reach for a blade. He felt like he was approaching that limit again. Every day came with thoughts that he needed to fight off and urges he had to keep at bay and he was so tired of it all. He was alone in the dorm, save for Keeho who was hanging out in the living room.
He started to look around for something sharp, deciding to get it over with rather than fighting it. He thought that maybe if he gave in just this once, he could satiate his mind for a few months and he'd be able to ignore this part of his life until he broke again. After scrambling for a few minutes, he found a sharpener that he had taken apart a while ago when he was in a dark spot. He grabbed it and walked back to his bed, rolling his pants up to his thighs after sitting down on the plush mattress.
Hovering the blade over his scarred skin with shaky hands, he started to realize what he would be doing and burning shame crawled under his skin and spread through his veins. He had worked so hard to recover this past year. He didn't want to feel like this anymore. He didn't want to do it alone again. Hot tears started streaming down his face, only to fall off his jaw and hit his legs. He looked down at his scars, rolled his pants back down and got up again, feeling light headed as he did so.
He started to waddle toward the door, tears still spilling down his young face, and opened it. He led himself into the bright common room where Keeho lay on the couch, scrolling on his phone.
"Steph?" he said meekly. He felt small, like the anxiety of what he was about to admit was consuming him.
Keeho instantly put his phone down and turned toward soul. "Yes? Is everything alright?"
Soul shook his head in response and plopped down next to Keeho on the couch. He wasn't crying as much as he was a minute ago but he could still feel the occasional heat of a tear rolling off his face.
"What's wrong?" Keeho's eyebrows were pinched in worry and he seemed to be a second away from engulfing soul in a hug. They weren't kidding about Keeho acting like his parent, he would mother hen him, pretend like he was annoyed at Soul's soul-ness and shower him with affection. But most of all, he would drop anything and everything to make sure Soul was okay.
Soul simply leaned forward and burrowed his face into the elder's neck, wrapping his arms around him like a teddy bear. Sobs racked his body and Keeho raised his arm to pat his hair comfortingly while whispering reassurances into Soul's ear.
Once he calmed down, he pulled back from Keeho and they sat in silence for a moment before Soul spoke up with a shaky voice, still terrified of the judgment he might receive.
"I was going to hurt myself," he said. Once he got the words out, he could see the leader suck in a breath of worry but he continued without leaving time for a response. "I had done it before, i have for years, but it made me feel worse and I felt weak every time I did it, like I failed myself. I didn't think I could handle it on my own this time though."
"I'm glad you told me," Keeho replied, "but you aren't weak for what you've been through and you aren't a failure. I'm so proud of you for stopping yourself this time." The leader pressed a soft kiss into Soul's temple and placed his head on top of the other's, bringing him in for another hug. "We don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to but we will have to eventually, okay?"
Soul nodded slightly, relieved that Keeho wouldn't force him to talk. He was never good with words and emotions and would shut down when he had to explain his to anyone. The exhaustion of the night started to catch up to him and he could feel his mind fogging up as sleep overtook him. His eyes fluttered shut and soon enough he was asleep, safe and sound in Keeho's arms.
Keeho looked down at the boy in his arms and couldn't help but realize how small and young he looked. In that moment, he swore to himself once more that he would give him the world and stop at nothing to make his life as good as possible. He quickly felt himself succumb to sleep's call and hugged Soul tighter before drifting off.
The first thing that Soul felt when he woke up and hour later was a lightness he hadn't felt in a decade, as if the ball and chain had gotten smaller- more bearable. The second thing he felt was the warmth and love that covered and enveloped him like a blanked. The third thing he felt was a want to close his eyes and curl back into Keeho's arms and that's exactly what he did.
And if the others came back from their outing and cooed at the scene in front of them while taking pictures, that was their business.