Archive of Our Own ^beta

Buck never thought that when he finally told Eddie he loved him, it would be at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean.

To be fair, he never really thought he would ever tell Eddie he was in love with him.

Most of all, he didn’t think he would be saying goodbye only moments after.

It wasn’t even that Buck trusted Jonah, all right?

But he thought he could trust Jonah enough to not drop him and Eddie into the middle of the Atlantic in a containment module. 

They had a good thing going. The team was a family . 

When Bobby told him they were bringing in a new specialist, Buck was… skeptical, to say the least. Their dynamic was good— they didn’t need anyone else. 

Buck didn’t warm to Jonah the same way he warmed to Eddie. He thought that it would just take some time, but there was just something about the guy that Buck couldn’t shake. But still, Jonah was part of the team— that meant he was supposed to be part of the family.

That was until Jonah shot a fellow agent in the back and exposed himself.

In hindsight, it was almost obvious that Jonah was a double agent for the organization they were working to take down. He was a bit too intent on maintaining his heroic and clean cut image. Buck hated himself for not seeing it coming. He was trained for this sort of thing. He should’ve seen it coming. 

Maybe if he did, they wouldn’t be where they were now— trapped on the ocean floor. 

Buck never thought he’d be so grateful that Chim dragged him along to help build this containment pod all those years ago. When his former girlfriend left him, he went through a rough patch. All his moping eventually got to Chim, and he dragged him along to build this pod from scratch. Buck really wanted to say no. But he also knew Chim was doing this to try and help, and it was either lend a hand or cry into that hand. 

At first, to say Buck wasn’t a fan was putting it lightly. Half of what Chim was saying about the mechanics didn’t click with him. He didn’t go to the Academy for the same stuff that Chim did. Chim explained as they went, taking his time to answer any questions Buck had and walking him through the details. As they got further into it, Buck couldn’t get enough. The more he learned, the more he wanted to know. It wasn’t just seamless formulas and geometry that meant nothing to him. It was something with real results. He was making something.

He helped Chim with everything. They talked through what the pod would need to have in order to be at its most functional, it took them ages. They built the pod to be virtually indestructible, ready to contain anything they may come across. The windows could withstand the strength of almost anything before it broke. The walls were made with the strongest steel they could get their hands on. There were restraints on the wall in case things came down to that. They had thought through everything and every possible scenario. Or, at least they thought they did. 

But the point was that Buck knew this containment pod like the back of his hand.

He just didn’t think he’d ever have to use that knowledge like he did today. 

Buck knew it was a bad idea to follow Jonah. He even tried to convince Eddie to stay behind. But when Jonah exposed himself, he also happened to take the team’s plane. Not only was that their only means of transportation, but that was their home . For years, that was the only place they knew they could fall back to. Buck wanted that back. The team was able to track the plane, and all Buck and Eddie were meant to do was confirm Jonah was there. The rest of the 118 was on another mission, trying to pick up the shattered pieces that Jonah left behind. 

But then Jonah found them. 

They were dragged onto the plane, taking off to god knows where. Buck and Eddie were both stronger than Jonah, but they weren’t the ones with the weapons. Eventually, they were able to devise a plan good enough to get away from Jonah on the plane. They just needed to find some weapons to defend themselves with. But naturally, things never went as planned.

The two of them found themselves in the containment pod. They locked the door behind them, and they knew that Jonah couldn’t shoot them through the door, considering what it was built to withstand. Jonah wouldn’t be able to get to them— they’d be safe. 

But then Jonah started typing in that damn screen on the wall, and Buck realized that they made a very, very big mistake. Weighing their options was a battle. If they opened the containment pod door, Jonah would shoot them. But if they stayed in the pod… well, that was becoming a very quick reality to deal with. The two of them pleaded for Jonah to rethink what he was doing, but it was too late. Suddenly, the containment pod was moving… moving… moving… and then it was dropping. 

Buck didn’t think before he moved. He crashed into Eddie, throwing him to the wall where the straps on the wall were. Buck whipped a belt over Eddie, locking it into place while simultaneously doing his own. 

The last thing Buck remembered was the view of the Atlantic ocean before they made impact. Then, everything went black.

Buck woke up first.

And because he had the worst luck in the world, Buck must have landed wrong when they hit the water, because his leg was in agony. The straps ripped off at some point, because they were both sprawled on the floor. The moment Buck woke up, he was checking Eddie’s pulse. He let out a breath of relief when he felt it, sagging to the floor beside Eddie. 

He wasn’t sure how much time passed as he waited for Eddie to wake up. He was able to get a rough estimate of how deep they were in the water. Despite being in the Operations section of the Academy, they were taught basic aspects of topics taught at the Science and Technology division, and vice versa. He always found math interesting, so it wasn’t as much of a drag as it seemed to be for the others. Now, he was just grateful he actually paid attention in those classes. It took him a bit to remember how to calculate it, but Buck was pretty sure they were about ninety feet down.

Buck spent some time fiddling with the EKG, trying to figure out how to rig its frequencies to send out a distress call, but he didn’t even know if that was working. He went through every possibility in his head of how this could play out. But every scenario ended the same way, and the inevitability of the situation was suddenly suffocating him.

Buck wanted to scream.

He wanted to break things.

He wanted to punch something.

Because how did he let this happen?

He let Jonah trick him, and now Eddie would die because of Buck’s mistakes.

“Buck?”

Turning his head, Buck saw Eddie drag a hand across his tired face, glancing around tiredly. Buck offered a gentle smile, saying, “Oh, you’re awake.”

“What’s…” Eddie trailed off as he tried to shake the disorientation weighing heavy on his mind. “What happened?”

“We're uh… we’re at the bottom of the ocean,” Buck explained grimly, sniffling once harshly. Eddie gave him a bewildered look, his eyes darting to the window on the wall just to be met with the dark depths of the ocean. Buck cleared his throat, sighing as he continued, “I've spent the last hour trying to figure out why we sank. These pods are built to be compatible with all of our aircraft, submarines, spacecraft. So, on impact, the atmospheric adaptation must have tried to compensate.”

“So, it increased the density of the outer walls and we sank,” Eddie finished breathlessly, his eyes still on the window. 

“I measured the rate the water rose on the glass. Did the math, we’re at least ninety feet down,” Buck said with a sigh. “You can’t see the surface.”

Eddie paused, turning back to Buck. “How did we survive the fall?”

“The plane was flying pretty low to the water. I managed to strap us to the wall before we hit,” Buck said absently, loosely gesturing to the straps on the wall. They were broken now, but they did what Buck intended for them to do. “And I- I’m pretty sure I did something to my leg. Again .”

“Let me take a look,” Eddie offered, shifting so he was able to inspect Buck’s leg. He paused momentarily, shaking his head in disbelief. “I thought we were dead for sure.”

“Eds, don’t bother,” Buck murmured, knowing that it didn’t matter what was wrong with his leg this time. He wasn’t going to be around to deal with the injury.

“What are you talking about?” Eddie asked dismissively. “Need to know what we’re working with so we can plan how we’re getting out of here.”

Buck didn’t respond that time, he just stared at Eddie grimly. 

Eddie must have been alarmed by Buck’s silence, because he sunk back into his heels, no longer making a move to check Buck’s leg. “We'll find a way out of here, right?”

“And then we'd be in the middle of the ocean with the bends, and no floatation, and no one looking for us.” Buck shut his eyes, his head leaning back against the wall. “I already spent an hour trying to rig the wireless signals on the EKG to send out some sort of distress call but I don’t even know if anyone’s listening or if that’s working. I barely know what I’m doing with this shit.”

Eddie inhaled sharply. “What are you saying?” 

Buck took a moment, watching as Eddie seemed to understand the genuine gravity of the situation. He wanted to reach over and smooth his thumb over his eyebrows, tugging them away from their currently furrowed position. The urge to tell Eddie it would be okay was overwhelming, but he knew it was wrong to give him false hope. 

“There is no way out, Eddie.”

—

The two of them had settled into their own spots in the pod. They sat across from each other, their legs stretched out, fitting together like puzzle pieces. It reminded Buck of how they’d sit on the plane. They always sat across from each other, their legs grazing. Silence filled the pod, both of them stuck in their own thoughts. 

Buck thought about the team, wondering if they even knew something happened to them. He wasn’t sure how they would find that out considering it wasn’t as if Jonah was giving updates. There was a possibility that nobody would ever find out what happened, and that Buck and Eddie would just never come home. 

Buck thought about his sister. His chest constricted tightly at the idea of leaving her. She didn’t deserve to lose another brother. He prayed that Chim could help her through it. Buck didn’t want to leave her— he knew it would crush her, but he didn’t have a choice this time. 

Buck ached when he thought about Christopher, who was losing them both. The kid already lost his Mom, he shouldn’t have to go through this too. Eddie put Buck in his will to take care of Christopher if something were to happen to him, but now there would be nobody to be his guardian. 

“What do you think it’s like?”

Buck didn’t need to ask Eddie what he meant when he asked what it might be like— he knew.

“I don’t know,” Buck admitted, his eyebrows furrowing together at the question. To be honest, it wasn’t something he ever really thought of. He wanted to focus on his life, not his death. It was something that happened to him, but it didn’t become him. “I don’t know if I was fully gone… but I do remember that it didn’t hurt.”

Eddie tensed. He never seemed to like when Buck brought up the fact that he did die a few years ago. Whenever it was brought up, Buck noticed that Eddie couldn’t meet his gaze.

Silence fell over them again. 

“I really don’t remember much,” Eddie brought up with a shrug. Buck turned his attention to the other man, trying not to show his surprise that he was referencing the shooting. It wasn’t something Eddie brought up on his own much. He stayed silent as Eddie gathered his thoughts, inhaling sharply. “You kept me alive, so it’s different. But there was still this… feeling. There are parts that are hazy. I remember- I remember seeing you covered in—“ Eddie cut himself off with a clear of his throat, shaking his head. He took a moment before finishing with, “I remember bits of it, not much concrete.”

Buck nodded, not pressing on the matter. “It’s probably for the best.”

“I reached for you, you know.”

Buck blinked. “You what?”

“I reached for you,” Eddie repeated, clearing his throat. “After I was shot… I saw you laying on the other side of the truck. I thought, this is it. This time, I’m done. I wasn’t getting out of it this time. I didn’t even realize what I was doing at first, but I reached for you. I just… if that was gonna be it, I wanted to be with you.”

Buck let the words sink over him. He remembered what Eddie was talking about. Buck was staring at Eddie through the space under the truck, watching helplessly as the blood continued to pool around the man. After a few moments, Eddie’s hand had jolted out, stuttering forward as if he was trying to get to something. Buck had wondered if it was just his body settling into the ground. But it wasn’t. Eddie was reaching for him .

Licking his lips, Buck tried to find the right words. He didn’t know what he could say that would put what he was feeling into cohesive words. That was the thing with them— he could never quite find the right words.

“I dug for you,” Buck told him slowly. Eddie knitted his eyebrows together, but didn’t say anything, silently prompting Buck to continue. Buck shifted slightly where he was sitting, biting back a wince as doing so sent a jolt of pain through his leg. “At the well. When the mud buried you in there, I sort of lost it. I think I would’ve kept digging forever if Bobby didn’t pull me off.” 

Eddie stared at him as Buck confessed what happened all those years ago. Buck never thought he would tell Eddie about that, it just never seemed necessary. But it was truly now or never. Buck was suddenly hit with the urge to tell Eddie everything he ever felt, it was on the tip of his tongue. I love you. I love you. I love you. But somehow, even with this being it, Buck still couldn’t get the words to get past his lips. Silence filled the containment pod once more.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

“You know… Christopher was telling me about something he learned in class the other day,” Eddie started, his face scrunching up at his own mention of his son. He hadn’t brought him up yet, but Buck knew the matter was weighing on him. Buck stayed silent, waiting to see where Eddie was going with this. “I guess they were learning about the first law of thermodynamics. He was saying something about how no energy in the universe is created—”

“And none is destroyed,” Buck finished quietly with a small quirk of his lips.

Eddie nodded solemnly. “So, in theory, every bit of energy inside us, every particle will go on to be a part of something else.”

Buck inhaled deeply, leaning back against the wall, his eyes cast downwards. “What do you think you wanna be?”

“I dunno,” Eddie murmured absently. “Could be anything. Never really thought about it until now. Could be another person, could be an animal, could be—”

“A sea monkey,” Buck chimed in with a quirk of his lips, curious if Eddie remembered their conversation from years back.

That got a laugh out of Eddie. The fond gleam in his eyes confirmed to Buck that he did remember it. A warm feeling pooled in Buck’s stomach as Eddie nodded, parroting, “A sea monkey.”

Buck took a moment to just smile at Eddie. His voice was soft as Buck said, “I just hope that whatever I become next, you’re with me.”

“Yeah, I hope so too.”

Maybe in that other life…

Maybe they could be more.

“If this was a better scenario, this would be a cool story to tell Christopher. He’d love to see all the fish down here,” Eddie mused, tilting his head to get a look through the glass, his gaze trailing up to try to look at the life around them through the darkness. There were some lights around the roof of the pod, offering a small glimpse into what was around them.

Buck watched Eddie as he fell silent, eyes moving around to take in what he could. He may have continued speaking, but Buck’s train of thought was suddenly moving a mile a minute. There was something there. As Buck stared at the glass, it was as if he could hear Chim screaming at him in his head to remember something. Buck knew this thing inside and out. There had to be something. He tried to focus on that part of his memory, narrowing his eyes at the seal of the glass carefully.

“I don’t know what Chris is gonna do—”

“The glass,” Buck breathed out as it clicked in his head, his eyes widening slightly. Eddie’s head turned towards him with a quizzical expression on his face. “ The glass.”

Eddie blinked at him, nodding once as he pointed lazily at the glass he was previously staring out of. “Yeah.”

“It's bulletproof, pressure-resistant,” Buck began, his heart suddenly racing as an idea began to come together in his head.

“Right. That’s sort of the problem.”

Buck shook his head excitedly. “The seal of the glass is made of stuff that has too high of a flash point for it to burn, right? But we have the defibrillator in here. Hen was telling me at some point that medical ethanol has a low flash point. So, I think if we could use the defibrillator as an ignition source…”

“We could build a compressed explosive,” Eddie realized, his eyes widening. “It would ignite the seal, right? And then the pressure from the water outside would—”

“Blow the window in,” Buck finished with a grin on his face, sitting up where he was sitting. 

“Holy shit,” Eddie said with an exhale, eyes darting between the window and Buck. “Holy shit!”

He darted up to his feet and over to where Buck was sitting. Buck stood up wobbly, bracing a hand on the wall to take some of the weight off his leg. Eddie threw his arms around Buck, letting out a laugh. Buck sunk into the embrace, allowing himself to put some of his weight onto Eddie, who took it in stride and just held Buck tighter. 

But Buck knew time was not on their side, and reluctantly pulled away first. Eddie kept his hand on his shoulder, his thumb resting on Buck’s pulse point like he always did. Eddie gave him a beaming smile as he asked, “Okay, where do we start?”

—

Buck didn’t want to tell him.

He knew Eddie would never go for it.

He had to wait until the last second, because if he didn’t, Eddie would fight him until it was too late for either of them. 

Since Eddie knew more about explosives than Buck did, he was busy trying to rig the window to explode. It reminded Buck of their first mission together. Buck hadn’t exactly warmed to Eddie yet, skeptical about his presence on the team. But then they were trying to defuse a bomb together. Buck spent the better half of their time together trying to one up him, but Eddie never took the bait. After defusing the bomb, they got to talking outside. 

“You can have my back any day.”

“Yeah, or… you can have mine.”

All it took was one mission for the two to fall in step with one another. They had each other’s backs. They were partners. They were… best friends, for lack of better terms— and Buck really lacked better terms for how to describe them. 

They were pretty much inseparable after that.

Buck didn’t think anything could tear them apart.

Maybe it was fitting that the only thing capable of doing so would be death itself.

Eventually, they were both done with their designated tasks, and Buck knew it was time.

“Listen, when I press this button, the windows are gonna blow in, all right? Water’s gonna rush in, it’ll be like a hundred punches to your gut. It’ll knock the wind out of you,” Buck explained slowly as Eddie listened intently, nodding along as he spoke. He picked up the mechanism behind him, holding it out to Eddie. “I rigged this to let out enough pressure to force a breath into your lungs. But you have to hold onto it, okay? Hold on tight. It should be enough to get you up to ninety feet.”

“One breath? But there’s two of us,” Eddie pointed out, gesturing between the two of them loosely.

Buck shook his head. “Yeah, I’ve done the math.”

“Think we both know you lost any math skills after the lightning strike effects wore off,” Eddie tried, waving his hand dismissively as he moved to take a look at the equipment himself. Buck sidestepped in front of him, blocking Eddie from getting any further. Eddie gave the man a bewildered glance, tilting his head at him.

“We… we have to do this now, Eds,” Buck explained, his voice tight. “I know the math is right, okay? We don’t have time to do it all again.”

“No, Buck—”

“We’re not discussing it, okay? You’re taking it.”

Eddie let out an incredulous laugh, disbelief and confusion all over his face. “What are you talking about? We can both take it and get out of here.”

“There’s only one of these and there’s only enough air for one person to have a shot,” Buck went on, trying to shove the mechanism into Eddie’s hands. “Eddie, take it, okay? You need the air if you’re getting out of here. I couldn’t swim even if I wanted to, not with my leg.”

“No! I’m- I’m not leaving you here,” Eddie barely gritted out, as if the words pained him to even say. “We need a new plan.”

“There’s no time . You’re taking it, I couldn’t live if you didn’t.”

“Well, I feel the same way. There has to be another way—”

“—you’re taking it—”

“ Buck , you’re not—“ Eddie began harshly, cutting himself off.  

But Buck heard the word. Eddie said it to him after the shooting. They never talked about it, just like they never about the will. They never talked about it, but it was always there. Always on Buck’s mind. 

But he never brought it up, because there was no good way to just bring that up in conversation.

Hey Eddie, remember when you put it into your will that I would take care of your son if something were to happen to you? That was pretty crazy, huh? Is that a casual thing you usually do with your friends?

Like Buck said— there was no good way to work that into their day-to-day interactions.

But it reminded Buck of something else.

“Chris needs you,” Buck managed weakly, his voice hardly there. 

“And what about you? He needs you too. I need you too, Buck. You’re my best friend, why are you making me do this—“ Eddie shouted, shaking his head as his shoulders hiked up. 

“Yeah, and you’re more than that to me, Eddie,” Buck barely croaked out. 

For a moment, Eddie just stared at him, his mouth parted slightly. 

As soon as the words left his mouth, Buck almost laughed. Because that was always it, wasn’t it?

It was always anything but “I love you.”

“There’s nobody in this world I trust more with my son… than you.”

It was Buck digging through forty feet of wet earth to get to Eddie.

“If I die, you become Christopher’s legal guardian.”

It was Buck crawling under the truck to get to a wounded Eddie. 

“You knew I wouldn’t.” “I knew you wouldn’t.”

It was Eddie trying to lift Buck’s limp body after the lightning strike. 

“Stay with me, okay?” “Are you hurt?”

It was Buck running towards a gunshot, Eddie’s name on his lips.

“Three minutes and seventeen seconds.”

When it was clear Eddie wasn’t going to say anything, Buck sucked in a deep breath. Well, he was already in this deep. “I couldn’t find the courage to tell you. The timing… the timing was never right. You had Shannon and then I had Taylor and then you had Ana and I had Taylor again —“

“ Evan —“ Eddie tried to interject firmly, as if it weren’t the first time he had attempted to get Buck’s attention during his rambling. But Buck wasn’t relenting. Not this time.

“You have to let me do this,” Buck emphasized desperately, swallowing thickly. “Because I couldn’t say it then, but I can do this. So please… let me do this.”

Because this was what Buck was meant for. He was saving someone. This was all he was ever meant to be— spare parts. This was what he was made for. And this time, he got to choose to accept that part of himself that he could never quite shake. He got to choose to save someone he loved. 

Eddie’s face fell miserably, his words so quiet that Buck barely heard them. “I told you… I told you that you weren’t expendable. I meant it, Buck.”

Buck nodded, his voice low as he said, “I know that, I do. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re taking it. I’m not letting you do anything else.”

Finally, it seemed to hit Eddie. His entire demeanor crumbled as he staggered backwards momentarily. Instantly, Buck wanted to take it back. He hated being the reason that Eddie was upset. But he knew there was no taking this back. There was no version of this that they both got out of here, and he was pretty sure Eddie was realizing that now. 

“No,” was all Eddie seemed to manage, the word coming out in a whimper. He dove forward, wrapping his arms around Buck as if he could hold him tight enough to make him stay. “ No .”  

“Eddie, it’s okay,” Buck murmured as Eddie held on for dear life. 

“ No .” Eddie pressed his forehead against Buck’s, his eyes squeezed shut as his breaths began to shallow. Eddie’s hand rested on the back of Buck’s neck, his fingers latched into Buck’s hair. “Please don’t do this. Don’t… don’t leave .”

“We don’t have a lot of time,” Buck told him gently as he rubbed Eddie’s back briefly before reluctantly pulling back from the other man.

Eddie begrudgingly let Buck peel himself away. “No. No .”

“It’s okay, I’ll see you in the next life, right?” Buck told him softly, trying to muster a grin.

“I don’t want to wait for another life,” Eddie said desperately. “I want you in this one .”

Buck shook his head gently. “We’ll get it right next time. I promise.”

Eddie stared up at him, a wordless plea painting his features. 

Despite everything, Buck smiled. 

Because Eddie would be the last thing he ever saw, so, how could he not smile?

Before he could waste another second, Buck was slamming his hand down against the button.

He thought distantly he heard Eddie scream. 

And when the water came rushing in, Buck finally understood what dejá vù really was. 

I’ve been here before , he thought to himself. 

He had drowned already. 

Last time, Buck fought. He fought to keep himself from swallowing the water. He fought to get back to the surface to save Christopher. He fought to live . 

But there was nothing else for Buck to do this time.

This time, he’d let the water take him. 

—

Eddie held onto Buck with everything he had.

He couldn’t even remember how it all happened.

One minute, Buck was saying everything but the words “I love you”.

The next, water was rushing in and he was grabbing onto Buck.

It took Eddie a few attempts to kick through the water rushing in before swimming out of the broken window. He shoved down any thoughts about what could be swimming around him in the water. He couldn’t afford to think about that. Kicking his legs harder, he made sure to tighten his grip on Buck’s shirt, glancing down every few seconds to ensure he was still there. Buck was knocked out by this point from the lack of oxygen and guilt settled deep in Eddie’s stomach. He wanted to scream and scream and scream , but again, there was no time for that. He had to get them to the surface.

It was getting more difficult to hold his breath, and Eddie knew he had to keep swimming before it was too late. He remembered this feeling. He remembered being surrounded by nothing but water, fighting to hold the last breath he was able to suck in. He survived that, he could survive this too. 

I’ve been here before , he thought to himself. 

He had drowned already. 

But this time he wasn’t just fighting for himself. 

He had to fight for Buck, because Buck would never truly fight for himself.

He wouldn’t let the water take them.

After what felt like forever, Eddie burst through the surface of the water. He sucked in a desperate gulp of air as he lifted Buck up, propping the other man’s back against Eddie’s chest. Eddie groaned as he struggled to hold the two of them up in the water. Treading as hard as he could, he leaned back to try and keep Buck’s head from dipping below the waves. He ended up with a mouth full of salt water as a wave crashed over him. His nostrils burned and his eyes stung as he coughed, his chest heaving painfully. His eyes darted to Buck’s face gravely, praying that Buck would suddenly wake up now that they were out of the water. 

His eyes were shut.

“Buck!” Eddie groaned, fighting to keep both of them afloat. “Buck, can you hear me?”

He couldn’t steady them long enough to try to get a read on Buck’s pulse— if there even was one. The thought weighed him down, and part of him wasn’t sure he wanted to stay afloat. 

Was Buck breathing?

How long did it take Eddie to get them to the surface?

How long was Buck without oxygen?

Was Buck even alive?

Eddie almost wished the water would just take him.

But if there was even a chance .

“Buck, you gotta stay with me,” Eddie pleaded grimly as he let out a cry, grunting as he lifted Buck up again above the waves. 

As expected, there was no response.

“Buck, please, please!”   Eddie’s head fell back as his chest twisted painfully. He let out a wrangled sob as he squeezed his eyes shut, sinking below the waves once more. He shoved his arms up, determined to keep Buck above the water.

This couldn’t be for nothing .

He had to keep fighting. 

He would figure something out.

Eddie grunted below the waves as he kicked with everything he had in him, bursting through the waves once more. As Eddie resurfaced, he saw it. At first, he was sure he was hallucinating. He had to be. But as he blinked away the salt water, the vision in front of him only became clearer.

A hand reaching out to him from a helicopter.

He grabbed onto it without thinking before looking to see who it was. 

It was Bobby.

That was the last thing he remembered before everything faded away.

—

Buck ended up in a coma.

Again .

This time, it was for nine days.

Eddie refused to leave his side.

He watched the gentle rise and fall of Buck’s chest for nine, long days.

Part of him was worried that if he looked away… he couldn’t stomach to even think about it. The others were nearly as bad as Eddie. Nobody wanted to leave Buck’s side. Besides not knowing if he would wake up to begin with, they didn’t know how Buck would be after waking up. His brain was without oxygen for longer than it should have been. Eddie couldn’t stomach if Buck woke up and wasn’t his Buck anymore. But maybe it wasn’t fair to call any version of Buck “his”. He couldn’t even tell Buck how he felt when he thought it was the end. In all honesty, it didn’t matter to Eddie what version of Buck came out of this. All that mattered to him was that Buck did come out of it. 

After a few days, the doctors started to treat Eddie even gentler than before. He wasn’t dumb, he knew what they were thinking. But they didn’t know Buck like he did. They didn’t know that Buck always came back. 

Carla brought Christopher by every day. Part of Eddie hated that his son had to see Buck like this. The boy had already lost his Mom, he shouldn’t have to go through the possibility of Buck, too. But the other part of Eddie knew that Christopher was stronger than any other kid he had met. He shouldn’t have to be, but he was. Christopher adored Buck— and if anyone could bring the man back, it was him.

“Buck, you did this once already,” Christopher said, speaking softly as his hand went to cup Buck’s face. Eddie’s eyes shut, turning away from the image in front of him. “You came back. You can do it again.”

Eddie ducked his head, furiously wiping a traitorous tear as it fell down his face. He felt a hand on his back, knowing it was Maddie’s. Her hand was firm, and he could tell she was struggling to hold herself together as well. He heard her inhale shakily as Christopher spoke to Buck, and Eddie placed a comforting hand on her knee.

“We all still need you, okay?” Christopher went on, his words unwavering and only growing stronger with every word. “So, you’re going to come back, like you always do.”

Maddie sat with him for almost the entirety of the nine days. They sat together in silence most of the time. Eddie knew she always struggled with seeing Buck in a hospital bed. Of course, nobody ever wanted to see their loved one in this position, but Eddie was sure that Maddie couldn’t help but think about Daniel. He couldn’t imagine everything she was feeling, the memories that were surfacing with seeing another one of her brothers in this bed.

The room was quiet, the soft hum of the machines the only sound breaking the silence. Eddie sat by Buck’s bedside like he always was, his hands firm on his lap and his eyes fixed on the rise and fall of Buck’s chest. Every breath Buck took felt like a lifeline, fragile but steady, and Eddie clung to that rhythm as if it were the only thing holding him together— because it was. Maddie sat across from him, her hands clasped tightly on Buck’s hand. 

“Thank you for getting him out of there,” Maddie said quietly, breaking the silence between them for the first time in hours.

“Always,” Eddie responded instantly, his voice was firm and resolute, eyes not leaving Buck.

Eddie could feel Maddie’s gaze on him, though he didn’t look up. He wasn’t ready to meet her gaze. But the weight of her stare was impossible to ignore. Finally, Eddie glanced her way, and there it was—Maddie, watching him with a look that cut through everything. It was knowing, gentle but piercing, as if she could see every emotion Eddie was desperately trying to keep hidden. His throat tightened, and he quickly looked away, his chest tightening with the unspoken truth that hung heavy between them.

She knew.

Of course she knew. Eddie couldn’t exactly say that surprised him. He hadn’t left Buck since he got in the hospital, and he was barely holding it together every time he looked at the man. But still, Maddie didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. Her understanding lingered in the air, silent but undeniable. And in that moment, Eddie couldn’t run from it any longer. Maddie knew exactly how Eddie felt about Buck. 

But Eddie couldn’t focus on that.

The only thing that mattered was Buck waking up.

And finally, Buck did wake up. 

The recovery wasn’t easy. The lack of oxygen caused damage to his brain that Buck never expected to have to work through. The team was by his side through the entirety of his recovery. They worked through the bumps in the road and came out on the other side. Eddie was pretty sure Chim had to physically pry Maddie away from Buck some of the time. Eddie was sure he had never seen Christopher fuss over someone the way he doted over Buck during his entire recovery. 

The team was patient with his recovery. While Buck seemed to appreciate it, Eddie knew he was getting frustrated with the kid gloves. He did his best to not treat him any different, but he was different. It wasn’t in a way that was glaringly obvious, but nobody could go through something like that and come out completely unchanged. He was still the same Buck that Eddie fell in love with— still shined as bright as the sun and still lit up any darkness like the moon. 

It took Buck some time, but he began to recover. There were still points where he struggled to find the right word or he couldn’t get his hands to do exactly what he wanted them to do, but he knew how to work through it now. The only noticeable change that worried Eddie was that Buck was more guarded, less trusting. As the team brought on new members, Buck put them through the ringer in terms of earning his trust. Even then, it didn’t seem as if he was putting his faith in them. Though, Eddie could hardly blame him considering how things with Jonah ended up. 

And all things considered, Buck was back to his normal self.

Things should have gone back to normal— but they just never did.

Eddie just couldn’t look at Buck without seeing him drown.

It wasn’t as if Eddie was ignoring Buck, it just was… different. 

But they didn’t talk about what happened at the bottom of the ocean— because, of course , they didn’t.

They worked together on missions like they normally would, they called Christopher together every night and went home to see him when they could, they were still attached by the hip. 

But Eddie couldn’t help but pull away a bit. He didn’t want to, but he didn’t know how to look at Buck and not see his limp body. He didn’t know how to talk to Buck without hearing Buck’s final words to him instead. It wasn’t what Eddie wanted, all he wanted was Buck. 

He was beginning to think this was all they would ever be— nothing more than a tragedy.

Buck was recovering. He was trying to recover from what he went through to save Eddie’s life. He couldn’t be selfish enough to make Buck relive what he thought would be the last conversation of his life. He couldn’t distract Buck from anything that would stop him from getting better. The possibility that Buck may not even remember that conversation weighed heavy on his mind as well.

It was all too much.

Apparently, it was too much for Buck, too.

Because Buck finally cornered him one day. 

Eddie had been hiding out in the gym, battering his fists against the punching bag. He spent most of his days there, trying to keep busy to avoid doing something he might regret. After getting caught up in fighting a while back, he tried to avoid using boxing as an outlet for his anger. But he had nothing else— it wasn’t as if he could talk to Buck about it, and he wasn’t sure if the others had any idea about what happened in the containment pod that day. So, his only option was to punch it out. He would usually linger in the gym for an hour or two before his arms were ready to give out. He had only just put down his boxing gloves when Buck marched into the gym, a furious expression on his face.

“What’s your problem, man?” Buck asked him, his voice tight.

Eddie nearly jolted at the words he himself had said to Buck when they first met. 

He wondered if that was intentional.

“Don’t have a problem.” The lie felt bitter on Eddie’s tongue as he turned to try and leave the room. Buck shook his head, moving to block Eddie from leaving. Eddie finally took a glance at Buck, deflating slightly at the disheartened expression on Buck’s face.

“Eddie, please,” Buck gritted out, “don’t shut me out. I can’t take that, okay?”

At the pain in his voice, Eddie’s head fell as he clenched his jaw tightly. “I’m not trying to shut you out.”

“But you are ,” he insisted firmly. “Ever since I woke up, you’ve been dodging me at every corner. Please… just talk to me.”

But Eddie didn’t know how to put any of this into words. He didn’t know how to explain the simmering feeling of anxiety that had been growing in his stomach ever since the containment pod. There wasn’t a good way to explain that it felt as if Buck could just disappear at any given moment in front of his eyes, and Eddie couldn’t handle that. It was all just sitting inside of his head with nowhere for it to go. Not to mention the fact that Buck’s words had been echoing in his mind since he heard them. 

Yeah, and you’re more than that to me, Eddie.

Yeah, and you’re more than that to me, Eddie.

Yeah, and you’re more than that to me, Eddie.

“Eddie, please —”

“I’m acting like this because we’re cursed!” Eddie cried out angrily, finally reaching his breaking point with how much he could dance around this. “The fucking universe wants us to be apart at this point.”

“Thought you didn’t believe in that stuff,” Buck barely managed after a beat.

“I didn’t,” Eddie admitted as he swallowed thickly. “But you told me the universe was screaming at me and I refused to listen. So, I started listening, and the universe gave me you, but now it keeps taking you .”

“Eddie—”

Eddie cut him off, shaking his head as he continued to ramble everything he had been holding in. “No, we had years together side-by-side. A million things happened and we never talked about it.”

“I told you how I felt.”

“And then you died. Again .”

As if he was expecting it, Buck instantly countered with, “But I didn’t this time, you got me out.”

“I didn’t know that, not at the time. I thought you were gone,” Eddie admitted in a low voice, eyes looking distant. “I was sure of it.”

“I’m… I’m better now?” Buck tried weakly, wincing as he said the words. 

Eddie gave him a pleading look. “Please… please don’t joke about it, okay?”

“I’m not ,” Buck denied firmly. “I just can’t figure out how to talk to you about this!”

“Do you wanna do this right now?” Eddie questioned hotly, lifting an eyebrow at him skeptically. 

Buck lifted his chin defiantly, a fierce look in his eyes. “ Yes .”

“Fine, I can barely look at you, Buck, without seeing you drowning,” Eddie admitted immediately, pushing his hair back from his face. “Every time we talk, all I can hear is you saying goodbye to me in that damn pod. I can’t- I can’t unsee you dying.”

“But I’m here,” Buck assured him gently. “I didn’t die down there. You got me out.”

Eddie let out a breath, shaking his head. “Sometimes I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel like I just imagined you making it out. Ironically, only thing that makes that go away is actually seeing you.”

“So, why ice me out? We can get through this together.”

“Because I love you ,” Eddie finally let out, locking his eyes on Buck. He sniffled harshly, stammering as he continued, “Because… because I love you. And you decided to tell me you—“

Eddie cut himself off harshly, shaking his head. All Buck could get out was, “Eddie…”

“You decided to start this conversation at the bottom of the ocean, ” Eddie seethed, his words strained. “And you were saying goodbye. You started it and ended it in the same breath, and all I could do was watch . What… what am I supposed to do with that, Buck?”

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Buck croaked out. “I know it was unfair to do it then. But I thought that was gonna be it, and I couldn’t go without telling you.”

“But even then, I don’t— I still don’t know if what you meant was…” Eddie groaned, shoving his face into his hands with a frustrated huff.

Buck realized instantly what Eddie was getting at, his eyes widening as he shook his head. “I love you. I love you so fucking much that I don’t know what to do with it most of the time.”

Eddie’s breath hitched, but he couldn’t speak—could only stand there, stunned, as Buck’s words washed over him. Something in him shifted, like a lock turning, opening a door he hadn’t realized was closed. Buck loved him. And for the first time, everything felt right. He didn’t feel lost anymore. 

“I’ve been in love with you since the second you walked through the door,” Buck continued, taking a step towards him. “Just took me some time to realize it. I- I couldn’t risk losing you though. You and Chris are the most important things in my life and I… I couldn’t stand the idea that I could lose you if you didn’t feel the same way.”

“I do,” Eddie said softly, “I do feel the same way. I love you.”

Buck stared at him, as if he needed a moment to soak in the fact that this was happening, that this was real. Eddie took a hesitant step forward, watching Buck as if the wrong move could send him running. Eventually, they were just inches apart.

Eddie’s heart pounded in his chest as he slowly closed the distance between himself and Buck, the air between them charged with everything they had built for the last decade. His gaze flickered to Buck’s lips, and before he could think, he surged forward. The world seemed to stop the moment their lips met. The kiss was urgent, filled with a longing that had been building for far too long. Eddie’s hands found their way to Buck’s waist, pulling him closer, and Buck’s fingers tangled in Eddie’s hair, deepening the kiss. Time blurred, and nothing else mattered.

Buck’s lips moved with urgency, and Eddie responded in kind, every kiss pulling him under, dragging him further into something he hadn’t even known he needed. His body burned with the intensity of it, a fire spreading through his veins, and the way Buck kissed him, like he’d been waiting for this just as long—it made Eddie’s head spin.

Eddie’s mind went blank, overwhelmed by the feel of Buck against him. His lips were warm, sending a shockwave through Eddie’s body. Eddie’s hand trailed up to Buck’s neck, his thumb resting on the man’s pulse point, like he always did. He felt the soft patter of the man’s rapid heart rate beneath the padding of his thumb, and pressed down just slightly.

For a second, Eddie pulled back just enough to catch his breath, but the sight of Buck—lips slightly parted, eyes half-lidded and dark with desire—pulled him right back in. He kissed him again, slower this time, savoring every second, every sensation, like he wanted to memorize how it felt to finally have this moment. 

To finally have Buck.

Eddie didn’t know what would happen to them in another life.

He knew they would find each other— Eddie would find Buck in any life.

He didn’t know how their story would play out, but none of that mattered to him anymore.

Because in this life, Eddie had Buck, and that was more than enough for him.