Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I thought you weren’t fucking church people.”

“Tommy and I haven’t been in a long time.” Joel confirmed distractedly, his focus mostly on the pipes in front of him as he worked on fixing the kitchen sink that had been leaking for the last week. “Our Mama was Catholic and Dad was Jewish so we went to both Mass and Synagogue off and on growing up but neither really stuck for either of us.”

“So then what’s the fucking point?” Ellie grumbled back, swapping wrenches with Joel for the third time in as many minutes. “Mari can barely hold her own head up. Why are we having a whole damn church thing for her when she won’t even remember any of it?”

“It’s important to Maria.” Joel replied evenly, more than used to Ellie’s continuous questioning about things she didn’t want to do. “Her Dad and her built that church together when Jackson was just first startin’ out. She wants to keep those traditions in her family.”

Ellie slumped back against the cabinet behind her in defeat and muttered, “Well it’s a good thing I’m not fucking family.”

Joel whipped around, his brow furrowed with concern as he tried to meet her eyes. “Hey, that’s not–”

“Oh get over it, old man.” Ellie shook her head dismissively. “We’re definitely not her family. She hates our asses.” 

Joel bit down on his lip in an attempt to keep his smirk from showing. “We’re doin’ it for Tommy.”

“You can go right ahead.” Ellie held her hands up in surrender. “I owe that stupid ass cowboy nada.”

“Unfortunately, you owe this stupid ass cowboy for gettin’ you out of trouble with Maria and the council for sneaking out of school again last week.” Joel stared her down until she shot up from the floor in a huff.

Ellie was halfway up the stairs when she yelled back, “I’m not fucking going!”

Joe rolled his eyes, calling back, “Yes, you are.” as Ellie’s door slammed shut behind her.

Her muffled retort came several minutes later, her angry pacing slowing above him before she shouted, “Good luck dragging me across town in a fucking dress or whatever your fucking plan is!”

As they always do on Friday nights Ellie and Joel go to Tommy and Maria’s for dinner and by the end of it Ellie has somehow agreed to go to the christening.

Now that the day’s arrived she wishes she’d just said no, but it’s hard to feel like she can when Joel is always pushing her to be more involved with “family things” and Tommy and Maria made a point of trying to include her.

“And we’d like Ellie to be her godmother.”

“What the fuck is that?” Ellie looked up at Tommy with her nose scrunched in disgust. “I don’t wanna be involved in any church bullshit.”

Tommy laughed as Joel watched Ellie bounce Mariana in her arms with a fond smile. “It’s just a thing from before. I guess it probably started out pretty religious but it’s basically just people that a baby’s parents want to be important influences in their lives.”

“Oh.” Ellie processed his explanation for a moment, considering how easily Joel had agreed to be godfather moments before as a reasonably good sign that whatever this was wasn’t too bad of a thing. “Yeah, okay.” 

Now as she stands in the Jackson chapel with her hair neatly braided back from her face and tied in a ribbon by Joel that matched the dress that Maria had brought her from the swap meet a few days ago, she’s not sure if she’s ever felt less like herself.

But Maria had lit up at the sight of her when she arrived and everyone there seemed to think she belonged with Joel, Tommy, and Maria, so she figured she could pretend she agreed with them until it was over.

She manages to keep herself from thinking about how much she didn’t want to be there until an older man with graying red hair introduced himself to her as Pastor Peterson before taking Mariana from Maria’s arms and leading the rest of her family away from her.

Joel doesn’t notice she hasn’t moved as he followed his brother up to the front of the chapel and she debates running away before he can realize she’s gone until she sees Pastor Peterson place his hand gently on top of Mariana’s head and she bolts to the front where she would have a chance to do something.

Should anything need to be done.

The christening passes without any need for intervention and when they got back to Tommy and Maria’s house for the party afterwards Ellie made a beeline for the small office at the back of the first floor where she sat in the wooden desk chair in silence until Tommy found her nearly an hour later.

“Hey, little lady.” He greeted her with a warm smile, a plate of food in his right hand as he closed the door behind him with his left. “Joel thought I might find you hidin’ out in here.” 

Ellie managed a small smirk as she reached out to take the plate which she immediately placed on the desk next to her before staring back down at the floor once more.

Tommy watched her silently for a moment before pulling the chair from the other desk across the room to sit down in front of her. “Thanks for bein’ here today, Ellie. I know you’re not really into these kinds of things, but Mariana got pretty lucky gettin’ a godmother as badass as you.”

Lucky? No no… no such thing as luck. No, you see I believe that everything happens for a reason. I do. And I can prove it to you. Now, this winter has been especially cruel. A few weeks back, I ah... sent a group of men out - nearby town to look for food. Only a few came back. They said that the others had been, ah, slaughtered by a crazy man. And get this, he's a crazy man traveling with a little girl. You see? Everything happens for a reason.

When she tries to formulate a response Tommy’s alarmed expression makes it clear that she’d been zoned out longer than she’d realized.

Tommy’s brow is furrowed and his eyes are searching hers when he starts to stand. “I’m going to go get–”

“No!” Ellie reached out to grab his wrist, clenching down firmly on it to keep him from going anywhere.

Tommy seemed surprised, but didn’t protest. “Alright. You know how to count?”

“The fuck?” Ellie stared back at him in confusion.

Tommy settled back down in the chair across from her and to her and held his hand closest to Ellie out in front of him, palm up. “Tell me five things you can see.”

“Window… floor… duck… pen…uh… curtains…” Ellie lists through panicked gasps and with each item Tommy pulls a finger in until he’s making a loose fist.

Tommy nodded encouragingly. “Now four things you can touch.”

“I… the floor…the wall…this stupid fucking dress.” Ellie paused for a moment before reaching out to touch the hand in front of her. “You.”

“Good.” Tommy nodded again with a soft smile. “Three things you hear.”

Ellie’s voice was more certain now, her list becoming more specific. “Mariana crying… the tea kettle… Joel.” 

“Two things you can smell.” Tommy continued patiently.

“I don’t know…” Ellie sighed, thinking for a moment before adding, “That soap Maria makes?” 

“Yeah.” Tommy agreed. “That’s right.”

“The horse shit on your boots.” Ellie added with a smirk. “Can’t believe Maria lets you leave them like that.”

Tommy smiles and resists giving her a nudge in protest before adding, “Somethin’ you can taste.”

Ellie’s not sure how to answer until the tears on her face run into her mouth prompting a quiet admission of, “Salt.”

Tommy pulled his fingers into a fist for a final time before scooting his chair forward so he was directly in front of Ellie. “You with me, darlin’?”

Ellie nodded, staring down at the floor in an attempt to avoid Tommy’s gaze.

“Don’t gotta be embarrassed. I’ve been there.” Tommy assured her firmly. “Are you sure you don’t want me to get Joel?”

Ellie nodded once more. “I want to get out of these stupid ass clothes.” 

Tommy let out a light chuckle. “With you there, kid.” He easily agreed. “Given that this is my kid’s thing I can’t really get outta here, but if you wanted to slip out the back door I don’t think anyone’d care.”

Ellie’s eyes widened in surprise at the suggestion and she leaned forward to look through the cracked open door at the party before turning back to him and asking, “Maria won’t be mad?”

“She ain’t gonna notice.” Tommy dismissed easily. “Now get.”

Tommy was right that she’d be able to easily sneak out the back door and the moment she reached the street she broke out into a sprint towards home. The front door hadn’t fully closed behind her when Ellie grabbed onto the side of her collar and pulled. 

Hard.

The zipper holding the dress together in the back easily acquiesced to her movements and within moments she was standing in the middle of the living room in her sports bra and boxers with the dress pooled around her boots.

She held her hand out in front of her and tried to remember the steps Tommy had used to calm her down across the street, but her inability to figure them out only increased her anxiety and she found herself sprawled out on the rug in tears as she fought through yet another panic attack.

When she comes to she nearly spirals into another panic at the sight of the torn blue dress lying behind her on the floor. She’s not supposed to be wasteful, Jackson doesn’t work if they are, and she’s not eager to find out what will happen if Joel – or godforbid Maria – found out what she’d done.

After a moment of brainstorming she scoops up the dress and runs out the back door to tuck it into the soiled rag barrel next to Joel’s shed in the hopes that no one would find it before taking a shower and settling down on the couch with a new Savage Starlight that Joel had brought home with him from patrol earlier that week.

“Can’t believe you abandoned me over there.” Joel complained as he untied his shoes at the front door. 

Ellie stuck her middle finger out in response but didn’t look up from the comic in her lap, uncertain that she could keep Joel from noticing how off she was if she’d actually replied.

“You stole my best sweatshirt too? Little shit.” Joel chastised playfully as he flopped down next to her on the sofa. 

Ellie jolted back in a panic when Joel’s hand landed next to her thigh and when she looked up to meet Joel’s concerned gaze.

“Hey, I was kidding.” He explained cautiously. “You okay?”

Ellie forced out a laugh as she stuck out her middle finger once more “Just think it’s funny you think this is yours since I’m the only one who ever fucking wears it.”

Somehow he seems to buy it, and he moved to turn on the television which autoplays the Star Trek DVD they’d put in last night and fills the silence for the rest of the night until they’d both fallen asleep on the couch leaving everything else about the day unsaid.

Chapter Text

When Ellie arrived at Tommy and Maria’s after school she could hear Maria reading to Mariana in the other room as she kicked her shoes off and dropped her backpack by the door.

“Whatcha looking at, Mari?” Ellie asked with a grin as soon as she’d made her way into the living room to join them.

Maria bounced her daughter lightly on her lap as she pointed up to Ellie. “Say hi to cousin Ellie.” She prompted softly, holding Mariana’s small hand in her own as she waved to the teenager.

“Fucking love storytime.” Ellie smiled widely at the baby before settling in on the couch next to them. “Whatcha reading?” 

Maria rolled her eyes, managing Ellie’s language around Mariana being something they’d collectively decided wasn’t worth pushing until it actually became a practical issue. “Mariana picked this one… and the ten before it.” She nodded towards the small pile of discarded books next to the sofa. “We literally just started. Are you willing to take over so I can work on dinner? I think you’ll like the art a lot.”

Ellie nodded easily, spending time with her cousin was better than trying to make small talk with Maria in the kitchen or listening to Joel and Tommy’s contractor corner for the umpteenth time that week. 

Once she had settled down with Mariana curled in her lap, Ellie flipped the cover towards herself and found herself staring at the title, My First Bible Stories with a beautifully illustrated cover and the author Tomie DePaola written at the bottom.

If it weren’t for the baby on her lap Ellie’s sure she would have already bolted, but Mariana was smiling up at her while babbling nonsense as she pat her hand repeatedly against the book in front of her and she couldn’t find a way out of this without causing a scene.

So she stayed. “Okay, Mari let’s do this I guess.”

Maria wasn’t wrong about the art, she did really like it. It was impressive how the illustrations managed to show so much using so little and how the intentional use of lines could draw her attention across the pages without effort.

But the art wasn’t enough to keep her from focusing a bit too much on the stories and how nothing in this book made any sense.

There was nothing about the lamb or whatever it was he kept talking about, and there was nothing about obedience or sacrifice, and there was definitely nothing about little girls needing to be taught by grown men.

She’s pulled from her panicked spiral by Maria calling out for her from the kitchen doorway. “Ellie, are you staying for dinner? Venison stew and fresh rolls.”

Her stomach lurches uncontrollably at the thought of both venison and stew and she quickly shakes her head. “Already ate.” Ellie forced a smile while Maria studied her closely, clearly not buying her response. “I should probably get back so Joel doesn’t totally lose his shit when he gets home and I’m not there.”

“Is everything okay?” Maria questioned carefully as she took Mariana from Ellie.

Ellie nodded with an obviously forced smile as she headed to the door. “Yep! Just gotta get going. Thanks again!”

The next day after school Ellie made her way to the Jackson library where she found Carol, an elderly woman with pink hair who frequently rotated between library and kitchen duties.

“What can I do you for, little Miller?” Carol asked with a warm smile at the sight of the younger girl who she saw more often than not during her shifts.

Ellie shuffled back and forth awkwardly for a moment before blurting, “You got a fucking Bible in here?”

Carol let out a laugh of surprise but nodded anyway. “Got a few, actually.” She explained patiently before reaching down below the counter for a large cardboard box. “There’s different versions shelved in the 200s but we’ve also got a bunch of these. Yours to keep if you want one.”

Ellie stood on the tips of her toes to peer into the box where she saw nearly a hundred red hardback Bibles with a small insignia in the bottom right corner. Before she could consider it further she reached forward and snatched up one of the books in one hand as she waved goodbye to Carol with the other calling out, “Thanks Carol!” as she ran out the door.

When Joel came home from his construction shift an hour later he found Ellie in her favorite chair in the living room with the Bible in her hands.

“That’s new reading material.” Joel remarked pointedly as he shoved his boots off. “You already read the rest of the library?”

Ellie rolled her eyes, grumbling “Fuck off.” back to him as she folded the book further into her lap.

“Yes, ma’am.” Joel saluted, happy to leave her alone until hours later when he finds that Ellie is still on the same chair – now with her legs against the back of the chair and her feet hanging over it – with the Bible still in her hands.

“Don’t tell me I’ve got a little church-goer on my hands.” Joel teased, tapping her feet as he walked past her into the room. 

Ellie’s immediate flinch at the word ‘church’ had Joel awkwardly backpedaling as he sat on the couch across from her. “Of course, there’s nothin’ wrong with that if it’s what… you want. I just… didn’t know you–”

“Do you actually believe any of this shit?” Ellie stopped him, swinging her body around so she was sitting cross-legged on the chair. “Like… first of all a whale would never eat a person – It would fucking choke them – and if they did manage it the person would suffocate or disintegrate in the digestive tract within minutes.”

Joel couldn’t help but laugh at her analysis. “I’ve never been a person who thought that the Bible was a literal account of history or anythin’ like that – though there are plenty of folks who did – but I don’t think it’s all false either.”

Ellie stared back at him as if he’d grown a second head. “The fuck does that mean?”

“Supposed to be lessons, you know? Like Aesop's Fables.” Joel elaborated patiently. “Meant to teach people how to be good. Like with Jonah…”

Joel’s explanation continued as he elaborated on the story that she’d become vaguely familiar with, but Ellie wasn’t listening anymore.

I know you're not infected. No one infected fights this hard to stay alive. So... how did you do it? What's the secret? Or are you just that fucking special? No one likes being humiliated, Ellie. You don't know how good I am! You don't know what I could've given you! If you had just LET ME!

Joel’s hand on her knee jolted Ellie back to the present and she let out a small scream at the sensation.

“Hey, baby girl.” Joel was kneeling in front of her now, his face stricken as he tried to meet her gaze. “It’s me. You alright?”

Ellie nodded instantly, not wanting to unpack any of these feelings with anyone else when she hadn’t even begun to understand them herself. “Fine.”

“Don’t seem fine.” Joel pressed cautiously, clearly giving Ellie the opportunity to choose whether to ask questions or shut the conversation down entirely.

“I just don’t know if I think there’s good people.” Ellie sighed tiredly.

Joel’s brow furrowed in concern. “You’re good people.”

“You’re shit grammar.” Ellie parroted back.

He rolled his eyes before leaning forward to press his lips briefly against her forehead as he rose from his knees. “Pardon my southern manners, young lady.”

Joel settled back on the couch, his eyes focused on Ellie as she stared blankly down at the book in her lap for nearly fifteen minutes before he finally probed, “You sure you’re okay?” He waited quietly for an answer before trying again. “Nothing you want to talk about?”

Ellie shook her head sharply with a firm, “Nope.” making her lips dramatically pop at the end of the word as she slammed the book shut and tossed it onto the coffee table before changing the subject. “What are we gonna watch tonight?”

Ellie returned the Bible to the library the next morning, intentionally showing up early enough to give her time to slip the book back into the box behind the desk before anyone else would be around to see it.

No one needed to know she’d ever even thought that book was worth considering. 

Not when she didn’t want to know that about herself.

Chapter Text

“Please, Ellie” Cat begged, her lower lip jutting out in a dramatic pout. “It’s bad enough that my Mom’s marrying that asshole. I refuse to go through it alone.”

Ellie didn’t disagree that she was in a shitty situation. Cat’s Mom wasn’t exactly the most ‘parent-y’ parent and the guy she’d been dating since long before she’d met Cat in the dining hall her first day out after they’d returned to Jackson was even worse.

Honestly he was creepy enough that Ellie had considered avoiding Cat altogether, but Joel had been so eager for her to try to make friends so she’d buried her discomfort and accepted the invite for a movie night that Friday.

It didn’t hurt that she was one of the prettiest girls in the whole fucking town either.

“Like half the fucking town is gonna be there.” Ellie protested weakly, dropping her pencil onto the table in an attempt to disguise just how much her hand was shaking. “I’m sure you can find someone to complain to.”

“But they all suuuck.” Cat whined back, grabbing the pencil Ellie had dropped before it had a chance to fall to the floor. “Please! I’ll literally never ask you for anything ever again.”

They both know that’s a lie. 

Ellie desperately searches for some excuse that would get her out of this before sighing at the realization that in Jackson an event like this was practically unavoidable and relenting. “Fine.”

“You’re the best!” Cat jumped up to press her lips against Ellie’s cheek before excitedly heading towards the door. “I’ll see you at the church tomorrow. Ten o’clock!” 

Ellie can’t believe that she’s back in the Jackson chapel at another event that she doesn’t want to be at, wearing another dress that makes her skin crawl just thinking about it.

“Is that what you’re wearing?” Maria asked as Ellie sat down in front of the plate of eggs and toast at the kitchen table.

Ellie stared back at her blankly. “This is what I always wear.” 

“Yeah but we’re going to a wedding. You should put in more of an effort. What happened to that dress I got you for Mariana christening?” Maria questioned pointedly. “It looked lovely.”

Blood rushed through her ears as she thought of the ripped fabric of a perfectly fine dress on their living room floor after she’d clawed it off herself. “I can’t find it.”

“Okay.” Maria watched her carefully for a moment before standing from the table. “You finish eating breakfast and I’ll go see what I’ve got for you.”

Maria had supplied a cotton shirt dress and a leather belt that they’d used to strategically cinch the waist so it wasn’t totally drowning her and while she knew she should appreciate the effort all she wanted was to get the dress off of her as soon as possible.

She’s distracted enough by the tag of her dress through the ceremony that she doesn’t think much about anything else so it’s not until halfway through the lunch after the wedding that she feels the familiar tug of panic welling in her stomach.

“I’m just so happy to have found someone I love again to bring into my life.” Cat’s mom gushed as she held her daughter tightly against her side. “Cat has a father again in Greg, and I have a partner to raise her with. There’s really nothing left to be afraid of with you both here.”

Well, I have news for you. Neither one of us is dying today. You see, I've changed my mind. I've decided you do need a father. So I'm gonna keep you... and I'm gonna teach you. Ellie. Ellie… Ah, fuck… Oh. I thought you already knew. The fighting is the part I like the most… Don't be afraid. There's no fear in love.

Dina and Jesse are the ones who see Ellie bolt out the door from where she’d been leaning against the back wall of the community center hall and they quickly stood to follow her.

By the time they made it outside there was no sign of where she’d gone, but a quiet sob from inside the barn across the street gave her away and as soon as Dina saw Ellie’s wide eyes and wet cheeks she turned back to Jesse and ordered,` “Find Joel.”

“Joel and Tommy are out on the Blackfoot patrol.” Jesse shook his head, trying not to stare at Ellie when she clearly didn’t want anyone to be here. “Won’t be back until tomorrow.”

“Maria then!” Dina cried back exasperatedly. “God, you cannot be this stupid!”

Jesse nodded, rushing off without protest.

Dina did her best to keep Ellie calm but she was more than grateful when Maria arrived with Mariana on her hip and Jesse’s dad – one of the doctors at the Jackson clinic – at her side.

“Ellie, are you feeling ill?” Jesse’s dad asked calmly, reaching out to take Ellie’s pulse with his right hand.

Ellie immediately wrenched her wrist from his hand, practically snarling up at him, “Don’t fucking touch me!” 

Jesse’s dad looked over to Maria, his concern plain on his face. “Where’s her father?”

“He’s not my fucking father!” Ellie screamed back as she scrambled to her feet, her whole body visibility shaking.

“Alright.” Maria interjected quickly, her free arm rounding Ellie’s shoulders to guide her from the barn where they were quickly gaining the attention of those working in the stables and greenhouses nearby. “Let’s take a walk. Okay? Mariana could use the air.”

Maria and Ellie walked around town in silence until the pair stood in Joel and Ellie’s kitchen on opposite sides of the counter island and Maria finally managed to get Ellie to look at her. “You want to tell me what that was about?”

“Not really.” Ellie shrugged, her hands picking at a dried bit of jam on the counter in front of her.

“Did Joel do something that upset you?” Maria pressed pointedly causing Ellie’s hands to clench into tight fists on the counter in front of her.

“Why is it always Joel’s fucking fault with you?” Ellie snapped angrily. “He’s not my dad. He’s just… Joel .”

Maria sighed, sitting down in the stool next to her as she adjusted Mariana’s position in her wrap. “Does Joel know that?”

All she got in return was a blank stare, Ellie clearly unwilling to engage with this conversation.

Not that that was going to stop Maria from trying. “Ellie, if there’s something Joel has made you feel like you can’t tell me–”

“There’s nothing wrong with Joel!” Ellie snapped back, her eyes wet with frustrated tears. “You want him to be the bad guy so fucking much so you can feel good about your ex-raider husband but he’s fucking not! Can’t you just leave us the fuck alone?”

The pair stood in a silent standoff for nearly ten minutes before Mariana woke and her soft cry for food broke Maria’s resolve to wait Ellie out. “I’ll bring some dinner by later tonight.”

“Don’t fucking bother.” Ellie snapped back, holding open the front door of her house for Maria to leave through and slamming the door shut behind her the moment she’d left and shoving a chair under the knob to keep her from coming back inside when she returned hours later with a plate from the dining hall covered in beeswax fabric that she found the next morning.

The first thing Joel saw when he returned from his patrol out at Blackfoot was a flash of auburn hair running towards their group which was shortly followed by Ellie’s body slamming into him the moment he’d dismounted his horse.

“Hey, baby girl.” Joel greeted her with a laugh, his arms wrapping around her back to reciprocate the tight hug she’d offered. “I gotta fill out the log books and check my weapons back in, but I will see you back at home, okay?”

Ellie nodded, taking his backpack from his left shoulder as she always did before heading back home to look for anything he may have scavenged for them while he was gone.

By the time Joel was done with his paperwork his brother and his wife were chatting quietly as Tommy bounced his daughter gently in his arms. Joel coughed awkwardly to get their attention before following through with his standard check-in after leaving Ellie with someone else. “Thanks for watching out for Ellie. She do alright?”

Maria’s brow furrowed slightly and she crossed her arms as she met his concerned gaze. “There was a bit of an episode at the wedding. Never could really get it out of her what was upsetting her.”

Joel nodded in understanding, offering a small smile of gratitude. “Thank you for getting her through it. I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” 

“We’ve all been there.” Maria dismissed him easily, her hand running affectionately across her daughter’s hair as she nodded behind her brother-in-law. “You go on home and make sure she’s doing alright.”

Tommy waited until his brother had turned the corner towards the street they lived on before turning to his wife and questioning, “What didn’t you tell him?”

Maria sighed, leaning forward to press her lips against Mariana’s hair before admitting, “She lost it big time when someone asked where her dad was.”

“Oh.” Tommy looked back at her in clear surprise. “She miss him that bad?”

Maria shook her head. “It wasn’t that… Tommy, she totally lost it. Started screaming about how Joel wasn’t her dad.” 

“What?” Tommy stared at her in confusion.

Maria shrugged. “I’m as lost as you are.” “Tried pushing her a bit but got nowhere. Just kept repeating that he wasn’t her dad. That he was just Joel.”

“I guess it’s none of our business if that’s how they’re defining it.” Tommy shrugged, using his free hand to grab his wife’s before guiding her to join him in heading back home.

“You really think your brother doesn’t think of that girl as his own?” Maria asked quietly as they walked. “That he doesn’t think he’s her dad?”

Tommy laughed slightly at that. “You know I don’t.”

“And you don’t see the problem with that?” Maria pressed firmly. 

“Maria–” Tommy sighed tiredly, not interested in having this argument fresh off an overnight patrol.

“Don’t.” Maria stopped, turning back to her husband with tears in her eyes. “Don’t dismiss me on this again. There is something wrong with her and I’m not convinced that even Joel knows what it is or how to help her.”

“I hear you.” Tommy assured his wife calmly, “I just don’t think there’s anything we can do other than keep bein’ here for both of ‘em.” 

“You better pray to God that you’re right Tomás Miller.” Maria snapped back. “If your brother hurts that little girl – even incidentally – I will be holding you personally responsible.”

“He would never hurt her.” Tommy reminded her softly. “I don’t know what’s goin’ on with them either, but I promise you that Joel is doing everything he can for her.”

Maria stared back at him, examining the visible sincerity in her husband’s features before sighing in defeat and leaning her head against his shoulder prompting him to pull her tightly against his side before starting to walk once more. “Now let’s go home so I can do what I can for the two of you. Alright?”

Chapter Text

She’d never known anyone who lived long enough to die of anything as mundane as cancer.

When Maria had told them the news that one of the other teens in town had passed during the night at breakfast, Joel had excused himself from their table and she didn’t see him until he came in after midnight and locked himself in his room until the next morning. She didn’t really understand why he was so affected by it. They didn’t even really know Marcus or his Dad. No one was torn apart. No one had to shoot the only person that had ever given a shit about them. No one had to kill a stranger who tried to–

Cancer seemed so simple and easy in comparison to all of that.

But apparently it’s not. At least not if you lived before death was something that was expected for anyone at any point.

The funeral was set for late in the morning and Maria was already at the council offices doing whatever it is that gets done before you put a body in the ground which left her with Tommy, Mariana, and an increasingly agitated Joel sitting around Tommy’s kitchen table with mostly untouched breakfast plates waiting for it to be time to head to the church for the funeral.

Something Ellie really didn’t want to do.

She’d only been to the Jackson chapel a handful of times, and two of them had ended with her unable to think about anything other than him . The last twenty-four hours had been enough of a whirlwind that she hadn’t found a chance to try to get out of going yet, and it was now or never.

“You know, I could stay here.” Ellie offered nervously, unsure how either of the Miller brothers would respond to the suggestion. “Keep an eye on Mari and whatever.”

To everyone’s surprise, Joel responded almost immediately. “I want you there, baby girl.” 

That name always stopped Ellie in her tracks. She didn’t think Joel knew that – if he did he’d surely use it to get her out of bed and to school more often than not – but there was nothing she’d say no to when he called her that. Not after the first time. “Yeah, okay” 

“Wish I could have given Sarah the service she deserved.” Joel explained softly, his hand reaching out to rest on Ellie’s shoulder as he cleared his throat. “It’s nice to be somewhere where people are doin’ that for the people they love again.”

Ellie nodded, forcing a small smile as she lied through her teeth. “I guess that does sound nice.”

She’s not sure why she keeps doing this to herself.

Agreeing to attend all of these things that everyone else wants her there for in the place she wants to be the least has become an embarrassing pattern of self-destruction. She doesn’t think it’s going to be easier each time she does it. Not based on how badly they’ve gone in the past and how painful the gaping hole that opens in her stomach every time she walks through the front doors.

But Joel wanted her to come today. So she did. Sitting dutifully between Joel and Tommy, Maria on the other side of her husband with the baby in her lap. Ellie’s heart raced unevenly as she stared blankly at the front of the chapel, trying to focus on the eulogy Marcus’s father was giving to stop herself from thinking too much about where they were.

It worked until the man stopped to blow his nose in his handkerchief before hoarsely continuing, “He’s always been a kid that reminds me of myself.” 

You see a lot. So do I. And you know what I see when I look at you? Me. You remind me of me. You're a natural leader, you're smart... loyal. Violent… If I let you out of that cage right now, put that knife of yours in your hand, you'd stick me in a second. You have a violent heart. And I should know. I've always had a violent heart.

She shouldn’t be surprised that David’s voice was once again ringing through her ears as she tried to push through another hour in the chapel. But she’s surprised, and this memory was worse. Because he was right. She was violent. Her only response to things she doesn’t know how to handle is to cause pain. There was no use in arguing when proof was bleeding onto her palms as what remained of her chewed down nails sliced against her skin. 

The only way out was to cause someone pain. Even if it meant hurting herself.

Ellie kept her focus on that pain and she managed to stay seated until the service had ended and everyone began to file out of the church towards the cemetery, quickly excusing herself with a whisper of, “Bathroom.” before bolting out the side door of the chapel.

Of fucking course it was starting to snow.

Her plan had been to wander Jackson, avoiding everyone until long after Marcus had been left in the cemetery, but there was no way she could handle that in the snow.

For the first time in months wet crystals stuck to her eyelashes, distorting the town in front of her into something unrecognizably vague. 

It could be Jackson. But it could just as easily be– 

Ellie is pulled from her spiraling thoughts by the sound of her name behind her, causing her to immediately turn back with her arm raised to pin her attacker against the wall only to see Jesse throwing his hands in the air.

“Whoa!” Jesse called out, startled by the extremity of her reaction. “Sorry! It’s just me.” 

Ellie stared back at him for a moment before scrubbing the tears from her eyes and letting out an awkward laugh as she tried to shake off the anxiety that was rushing through her. “Christ, didn’t anyone ever teach you it’s fucking rude to sneak up on someone.”

“I wasn’t trying…” Jesse trailed off as he studied Ellie’s expression. Ellie never showed much emotion in her face, but the panic she was trying to hide was nearly identical to when she’d ran out of Cat’s mom’s wedding earlier in the Fall. “You want me to find Joel?”

“Fuck no.” Ellie snapped back angrily, only to shrink in embarrassment at the look of shock on her friend’s face. “Just… let’s pretend this didn’t fucking happen. Okay?”

“Yeah.” Jesse nodded in agreement. “No problem.”

Jesse seemed to understand what she needed, nodding his head forward as a suggestion that they keep walking. An impossible task that was suddenly tolerable now that Jesse was there with her.

David and Jesse never met. If Jesse was there, that meant he couldn’t be. 

The pair spent the next hour walking around the empty streets of Jackson in silence until quiet chatter began to filter through the town.

“Fuck. We missed it, didn’t we?” Ellie cursed as she began to scan the street for Joel, expecting his I’m not mad, just disappointed gaze to already be staring back at her. 

Jesse shrugged, pulling her attention back to him as he muttered. “Marcus was kind of a dick.”

Ellie’s eyes widened in surprise, her elbow instinctively jutting to the side and lightly catching Jesse’s ribs. “I’m pretty sure it’s like fucking cursed to shittalk dead people.” The memory of David slips through her mind once more prompting her to add, “You know unless they were like… evil evil.”

“I guess stealing my Nintendo when we were ten doesn’t constitute evil evil.” Jesse sighed dramatically. “But still. Dude was a dick.”

Before Ellie can respond they’re interrupted by Tommy turning the corner onto the street they were on with a visibly relieved expression. “There ya are darlin’.” He wrapped his arm around Ellie’s shoulders, pulling her slightly against his side before meeting her gaze again. “Joel wanted me to let you know he’s taking Old Beardy out for a ride. Just needs to clear his head.”

Ellie nodded, staring down at the pavement in an attempt to hide the quickly forming tears in her eyes. “Yeah, okay.” 

“You’re gonna come over to our place.” Tommy instructed, offering a conspiratorial smirk as he tried to entice her into agreeing to the plan. “You and Maria can kick my ass at Scrabble.”

Ellie kicked everyone’s ass at Scrabble.

Well, everyone but Mariana’s. 

They always let Mariana play family games to keep her occupied, but her turn was a somewhat chaotic amalgamation of whatever the other players could manage with her cards or pieces. For some games this put the baby hopelessly behind, but for Scrabble it meant that those turns had the advantage of working with the vocabulary of a lawyer, a Texan or two, and an apocalypse military kid.

There was no competing with that.

When there was no sign of Joel by the time both Tommy and Maria had started trying to stifle their yawns to keep themselves awake with her she had feigned tiredness herself before excusing herself to the guest room where she sat with the journal she’d been given by the therapist Maria had talked Joel into sending her to about a month after they’d returned to Jackson wide open on the mattress in front of her.

It turned out that sending a teenager with over a year of trauma she couldn’t actually talk about into the Jackson clinic to talk about her trauma was one of the worse calls the Miller family had made regarding Ellie’s wellbeing.

During her second appointment Ellie had panicked when she’d been asked how she met Joel and several clumsy answers to probing questions later she and Joel were in the center of a formal investigation into possible human trafficking that had the entire council pressing for Ellie to give them an answer she couldn’t give.

Maria managed to talk the council down and Tommy vouching for his brother was enough for any remaining suspicion to fade away and eventually Joel was allowed into the clinic where he carefully kept his distance as he spoke to the council members and clinic staff himself before taking her home with the rest of the Millers at their side. People seemed to have moved on from the incident, but Ellie still felt the stares of the woman – she thinks her name was Morgan… or maybe Megan – and the nurses who were in the clinic that day like ice on her neck.

Obviously, therapy hadn’t stuck, but the journal had.

Having somewhere to put all of the thoughts that she didn’t know how to process or didn’t want to talk about meant that she could let them go, at least for a little while. Long enough to enjoy a movie night with Tommy, a trail ride with Joel, or the closest thing she’d gotten to a full night’s sleep as long as she can remember.

Usually her pages were filled with random thoughts and sketches. It didn’t matter how readable any of it was, no one was supposed to read it. That was part of the agreement Ellie made when she’d started it in the first place. But if she was dead and someone (Joel) broke that promise, she wanted them to know what she wanted.

When I die just put me in the ground and walk the fuck away.

I don’t want any of the god shit or the heaven shit.

Just let me be dead in fucking peace.

She stared down at the words in front of her for a long time before scribbling one last sentence and slamming the book shut. She lay awake with the journal tucked under her pillow for some time before sighing heavily and retrieving the journal to cross her pen back and forth over the fear she didn’t want to admit she still thought about.

Just don’t let anyone eat me.

Chapter Text

Ellie was spiraling.

She tried to hide it, not wanting to be any more of a burden on Joel than she already was, but that meant long nights of tears and previously suppressed panic attacks spent alone in her room. Which had worked for awhile. Until she stopped being able to hide that she wasn’t sleeping.

Joel had started calling her a raccoon a few weeks ago. At first it was clearly in jest, but it had become more serious in the past few days. The dark circles under her eyes prompted questions that she didn’t want to answer.

Questions that she didn’t know how to answer.

The longer she went without any real sleep the less in control she felt until she finally agreed to take the sleep aid that Joel had gotten her from the clinic the week before and she crashed in Joel’s bed as he quietly read to her until she was fast asleep.

Unfortunately, Joel let her sleep in the next morning. Something about “wanting her to catch up on some sleep” or some bullshit. Which to be fair, she normally wouldn’t have been bothered by. But on that day it meant that she’d gotten to school late the day of community day signups.

That was her first mistake.

By the time she got there the only thing left was spending the day helping organize and clean the basement that had been recently discovered hidden behind a false wall in the old church in the center of town.

Community day wasn’t really optional. It was how the teens in Jackson got introduced to the jobs around town that they would be joining in on in the next few years. Without a way out of it Ellie pulled the pen from the side of the clipboard and scribbled her name across one of the open lines below CHURCH - WEISS before heading to the dining hall where the rest of the school already was for lunch.

Dina and Jesse waved her over as soon as she’d stepped in the hall, but she made a detour to the food line before returning to their usual table and sitting down at the end of the bench next to Jesse.

“Where have you been?” Dina stared at her, her features visibly concerned as she appraised her friend’s disheveled appearance.

“Fucking asleep.” Ellie grumbled as she picked the meat off from her sandwich. “Joel thought I needed rest or whatever and didn’t wake me up this morning.”

Jesse groaned dramatically. “Lucky. My parents have me locked up in my bedroom with the lights out at like nine on weekdays so we can get up at the crack of dawn.” He complained, his lower lip comically shooting out. “I’d give anything to be as tired as you look.”

Ellie rolled her eyes in response and Dina elbowed his ribs with a pointed glare before turning back to Ellie. “Jesse and I are doing horseshoeing on Friday with Tommy and Seth. There were a couple spots left when we signed up. Did you get one?”

“Uh… no.” Ellie set down her sandwich, the reminder more than enough to ruin any semblance of appetite she’d had left. “I’m with… actually, do you know who Weiss is?”

Jesse turned to Dina, obviously recognizing the name. “She’s the rabbi that just moved in, right?”

Ellie shook her head in confusion after Dina nodded in affirmation. “The fuck’s a rabbi?”

“It’s the Jewish equivalent of like a pastor or reverend.” Dina explained, grabbing an apple slice from Ellie’s untouched bowl. “They can run a synagogue and provide spiritual guidance for their people.”

Ellie’s stomach sank miserably at the explanation. Not only would she be stuck in a church all day, she’d be stuck there with a fucking pastor. She tried to hide her discomfort as she replied, “Oh. Cool.”

“Back in the Albuquerque QZ we had a synagogue until FEDRA closed it down.” Dina babbled on, clearly not noticing that Ellie was less interested in what she had to say than usual. “Talia and I went every Saturday until then though. Rabbi Wiess is actually…”

Ellie would never know what Dina had told her about Rabbi Wiess, her ears roaring with a rush of blood as she nodded in feigned interest as her friend continued babbling next to her for the rest of the meal.

After school Ellie stopped at the storehouse for Joel. It was on her way home and Ellie liked the staff well enough to be willing to stop in by herself, so storehouse pickups had become her go-to chore from Joel, Tommy, and Maria.

When she pushed the door open she was greeted by the mostly empty front room of the storehouse. A woman she didn’t recognize was skimming the titles of the books that sat on the shelf marked FREE by the front door and her favorite storehouse manager sat on a stool behind the counter.

“Hey Sayid.” Ellie greeted the man at the counter. “Joel asked me to pick up an order for the construction crew on my way home. Something about paint?”

The older man nodded knowingly, handing her a comic book from the stash he kept under the desk. “Coming right up, little Miller.”

Ellie smiled at the name as she tucked the comic into her backpack. It made her heart jump with joy anytime someone in Jackson called her a Miller, but that leap was always followed by a rush of grief as she remembered that she wasn’t.

The comic didn’t hurt either.

She’d entirely forgotten someone else was there until a voice just behind her spoke, causing Ellie to spin around to see the woman who had been looking at the books standing next to her. “You must be Ellie. I’ve heard about you from your friend, Dina.”

Ellie stared at the outstretched hand in front of her for a moment before hardening her gaze and replying, “And who the fuck are you?” 

“Rabbi Weiss.” The woman replied. Seemingly unphased by the question. “But you can just call me Rachel.”

“Oh.” Ellie stared back at her, her brain short circuiting as she tried to process the reality that she’d once again been left alone with a pastor again. “Yeah, uh Dina told me about you today. I’m doing the church on Friday.”

“That’s wonderful, Ellie.” Rachel smiled patiently. “It’ll be good to have some strong women working on the project.”

Ellie’s saved from having to reply by Sayid emerging from the back of the storehouse with two pails of paint, one in each hand. “Here you are, little Miller. Tell Joel that he doesn’t need to worry about bringing back the leftovers. I’ve got paint pouring out of my ears back there.”

Ellie snorted slightly as she took the paint cans from the counter, before turning back to the door where she saw the woman she’d hoped would have disappeared standing between her and the exit. She stared anxiously for a moment before attempting an awkward wave with her hand that was holding the lighter of the two cans. “Well, see you Friday I guess.”

“I’ll see you at school tomorrow, actually.” Rachel corrected with a smile. “I did a Master’s in mathematics education so Miss Segal has asked me to come in and teach a session with your age group.”

I am a preacher, but just pretty standard Bible stuff… I actually started believing after the world ended. Before that, I was a teacher. Math. Taught kids about your age…Yeah, exactly…Well, I found God... after the Apocalypse, which is either the best time or the worst time to find Him, hard to say.

Ellie could feel the sweat beading on the back of her neck as she tried to process the woman’s words, well aware that she was expected to respond. After a long moment of silence she ended up nodding harshly, clutching the handles of each can firmly in her fists as she kept her eyes on the woman in front of her until she’d backed up against the door to push it open allowing her to easily bolt from the building into the unkempt winter fields. 

Somewhere no one would be. Especially not anyone who worked in the church.

It was well after dark before Ellie remembered she was supposed to have dinner with Joel and by the time she got home she was honestly surprised Joel wasn’t out on the street with a whole search party.

He was sitting in the front room in the armchair that faced the door, a book she knows he isn’t interested in laying across his lap and his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose.

“Where you been, baby girl?” Joel asked anxiously, the book falling from his lap as he stood to take the paint cans from her visibly red fists. “I had dinner ready over an hour ago.”

“Uh…” Ellie fumbled as she kicked her shoes off. The truth was other than not here she’s not even sure where she’s been. “Nowhere. I lost track of time again.”

Joel rolled his eyes affectionately before heading into the kitchen, Ellie following him until she reached the counter where she placed the cans. He set a plate in front of the seat next to the paint cans before giving her a curious glance. “You been haulin’ this paint around?”

Ellie nodded, her focus still far from her present as she took a seat in front of the plate.

“Impressive.” Joel offered as he moved the cans from the countertop to the skinny table at the side of the room by the back door. “Bit stupid, but impressive.”

Ellie managed a small smile at his joke before she set about using her fork to push the pasta around her plate without actually taking a bite.

Joel watched her quietly for several minutes before finally pressing his luck with a question he knew she didn’t want him to ask. “You sure you’re feelin’ okay?” 

“Fucking peachy.” Ellie replied angrily stabbing through several noodles and shoving them into her mouth before meeting Joel’s visibly concerned gaze and repeating the same lie she’d been telling herself all evening. “I’m okay. I promise.”

Chapter Text

Joel had just settled at the kitchen table for a much deserved cup of coffee – having spent his morning wrangling some of the youngest teens in Jackson as they made repairs to the dining hall’s roof – when he heard his brother’s voice ringing out from the walkie talkie he had left in his coat pocket.

He manages to retrieve the device by the time Tommy’s voice breaks dramatically as he continued to call out his brother’s name repeatedly. “Calm down, hermano. I’m right here.”

“We need you in the square ASAP.” Tommy replied sharply, the sound of shouting in the background amplifying the importance of his request.

Joel never questioned his brother when he sounded like this, so he quickly pulled his coat back on before asking for more information. “What’s happening?”

“The church is on fire.” Tommy replied swiftly. “Need all hands on deck.”

Joel pitched forward slightly, his eyes blacking out as his body slammed against the front door. “Jesus Christ.”

“You comin’ or not?” Tommy’s voice rang out impatiently from the radio. “We got folks on it but we need more hands.”

It takes him a moment to figure out how to speak again and when he does all he manages to croak out is a quiet, “Ellie.”

“What about Ellie?” Tommy’s voice sounded back, his impatience laced through his tone as he waited for his brother to get his act together and help them.

“She’s there.” Joel whispered as loudly as he could into the radio. “Her community day assignment today is… fucking hell.”

“Okay…” Tommy’s voice was shaking slightly, the thought of his brother losing another daughter something he wasn’t even willing to consider. “Get your ass down here and we’ll figure this out. She’s gonna be alright. You understand me?”

Joel didn’t bother to reply before he wrenched the front door open and broke into a sprint towards the town square.

Ellie knew she shouldn’t have bothered to show up for the church cleaning that morning.

It was the last on a long list of mistakes that had ended with her in what she could only describe as literal hell.

She should have said something. Asked for a different option. Not bothered to show up. Anything other than spending hours tucked away in the basement of the building that made her feel like she was literally burning from the inside out.

But she hadn’t.

She pushed through the first hour of the job – silently counting down the minutes until she’d be released for lunch – by keeping to herself and avoiding not only Rabbi Weiss, but the small group of pre-teen boys that had ended up on the assignment with her. 

As Ellie focused on sorting through a box of books she even started to think that she could make it through. That if she just kept her head down and her mind busy she could get through this day without completely losing it.

Her undoing is sealed by Rabbi Wiess’s voice sounding out with a peal of laughter from a few feet behind her. “You boys have no idea what I’m capable of.” It was said in jest, but it was more than enough to send Ellie back to him.

You think you know me? Huh? Well, let me tell you somethin'. You have no idea what I'm capable of.

Without a word, Ellie ventured further into the church’s basement, focused solely on finding somewhere where she could fall apart in peace.

She stops when she finds a bookshelf that had toppled over against the wall long ago before wedging herself into the small space between it and the floor and desperately fighting to calm herself down.

She should have been able to handle this. It wasn’t the first time this had happened to her. Surely she knew how to survive this.

A louder voice in the back of her brain told her that she didn’t know how to survive it. That this was worse than it had ever been. 

Ellie covered her own ears before letting out a strangled scream of distress as she desperately tried to remember how Tommy had helped her through the meltdown he’d been there for.

His voice comes as a welcome ringing in her ears, a series of reminders that she latches onto with everything she has.

Five things you can see.

Fire. Blood. A knife. Her hands. Him.

Four things you can feel.

Heat. Flames. Smoke. Blood.

Three things you can hear.

Wood cracking. Her name. Her name over, and over, and over.

Two things you can smell.

Burning wood. Burning flesh.

One thing you can taste.

Fear.

She tries to remember that it’s not real. That eventually it will stop and she’ll be fine. That Tommy and Maria, or Dina and Jesse, or – fuck it –even Joel will find her and help make it all stop.

She really fucking tries.

She even thinks she might survive it at one point, but then she feels a heavy hand wrapping around her ankle and she loses all sense of reality.

Joel can’t be here because Joel is lying in the basement where she left him with a shitty kitchen knife and a vial of penicillin.

It’s over.

As Joel races into the town square he’s greeted by the horrifyingly familiar sight of a large building bursting with flames that he knows his daughter must be inside of.

His brother and sister-in-law are in the middle of the action as they often are during town emergencies.

This time he doesn’t hesitate to insert himself. “Where is she?”

“As far as we can tell no one is left in the building.” Maria replied, slightly distracted by the shouting coming from the building as some of the men fighting the fire spilled out from the church’s front door. “Rebecca said that as soon as they noticed the smoke she pulled her group out.”

“Then where the fuck is she?” Joel ground out, his patience worn thin long before he’d arrived.

“She’s not in there Joel.” Tommy insisted, his hands firm against his brother’s chest as he tried to keep him from plowing forward. “The guys have gone through the building. No one is in there.”

“She’s small.” Joel argued back harshly, his arms reaching up to push his brother away from him. “She fits lots of places. There’s no way they’re sure.”

Maria steps in as the voice of reason, attempting to keep her husband and his brother from starting one of their brawls in the town square. “Give them time. If she’s in there they’ll find her.” 

“She doesn’t have time for that.” Joel shook his head angrily, charging past his brother and up to the church’s smoke-filled entrance where a man he vaguely recognized from patrol rotations blocked the entry as he tossed a bucket of water into the lapping flames on the foyer’s floor. “Move.”

The man startled at his voice, looking up in surprise at the rage that had come with the command. “Mr. Miller–”

“I said, fucking move!” Joel repeated, shoving him out of his way and running into the burning building.

He covered his face with the loose knit of the truly ugly scarf Ellie had knit for him for Christmas. The scarf didn’t help that much with the smoke, but it more than made up for that in the determination that boiled beneath his skin at the thought of leaving its creator to die.

Joel fights his way through the building and into the basement where he frantically searches for any sign of his daughter. But the fire continued to build and the smoke along with it, making it harder and harder for him to see much of anything. He’s finally considering if he could even think of giving up when he catches the sight of a familiar untied sneaker poking out from beneath some furniture that was leant against the wall.

Without a thought he reached for her ankle only to be greeted by a harrowing sob. “No, please.” Ellie choked out desperately, her leg kicking uselessly at the figure that held onto her as tears streamed down her face. “Please let me go.”

“Hey.” Joel tried to pull her face so she was looking at him, but her eyes were screwed shut. “Baby girl, it’s me. It’s me.”

It’s almost cruel how harshly he has to handle her in this state. He knows that it’s what she needs to survive, but he can’t help but wonder how much damage he’s doing as he pulls her out from the crevice she’d shoved herself into.

Ellie writhed constantly as he worked, fighting against him as she muttered anxiously until he finally managed to stand with her in his arms and her head snapped back harshly as her world went black.

When Ellie wakes up to a bright fluorescent light in her eyes she’s certain she died. White light and all.

That’s until she turns her head and sees them.

It doesn’t make sense. 

There’s no way to explain how she got from the burning lodge to the clinic in Jackson with Maria and Joel seated in plastic chairs at her side while Tommy roamed the hall outside with a sobbing Mariana tied to his chest.

She doesn’t realize they’re talking until Joel’s voice raises slightly, his tone defensive. “She ain’t crazy.”

Ellie wasn’t sure that was true.

“You can’t possibly tell me that you don’t think she needs to be supervised after what happened today.” Maria countered tiredly.

“Of course not.” Joel conceded. “But I can take care of my daughter at home. I ain’t letting you lock her up because you think she needs it.”

She’s not his daughter. He’s not her dad.

Suddenly the physical reality of where she’s woken up crashes into her. Once again she’s not wearing her clothes, something is poking her arm and it fucking hurts, and she can’t breathe because her mouth and nose are both covered by god knows what.

It’s enough to force a desperate sob from her hoarse throat as she reached up to claw at unfamiliar plastic that covered her face.

“Hey, baby girl. You’re okay.” Joel was sitting in front of her at the end of the bed in an instant “We’re in the clinic and you gotta keep that mask on. It’s givin’ you extra oxygen from that machine down there.”

Ellie’s eyes shook anxiously as looked to where Joel had pointed.

“It takes in the normal air and compresses it before filterin’ through a couple filters that use a mineral compound called zeolife or somethin’ like that to pull the nitrogen out of the air leavin’ just the oxygen. That compressed oxygen then comes out for you to breathe through that mask.” Joel continued, waiting patiently for Ellie to process the information and letting out a sigh of relief when she nodded in understanding.

“You made him walk you through that for her.” Maria observed aloud, seemingly surprised by how prepared Joel was for what Ellie would need when she woke up.

Joel nodded once in confirmation before turning his attention back to Ellie. “Do you remember what happened, baby girl?”

Ellie squints as she once again tries to remember how she’d gotten here. She remembers being back in Silver Lake. She remembers David pinning her down. She remembers the fire. She doesn’t remember anything that explains how she’s sitting here with Joel very much alive and the rest of his family watching on as if they are just as scared as him of losing her.

Ellie shook her head softly, visibly frustrated by her own answer.

“The church caught fire.” Joel explained gently. “You were in there for community day and you didn’t come out.” 

Ellie startled at that, her voice cracking as she finally spoke to question him. “What?”

“I found you in the basement.” Joel continued softly, his hands shaking slightly as he ran them over the pink scar tissue from the chemicals she’d convinced him to pour over her other scars that could get her killed. “Hidin’ under a bookshelf that had fallen over. Do you remember that?”

Ellie shook her head, none of what he’d said sounding familiar in the slightest. 

His patience didn’t waver as he continued to question her. “Do you remember anything about the fire?”

“I remember fire.” Ellie whispered, staring blankly ahead of her as she tried to make sense of the fragments of memories floating through her mind.

Joel reached out for her hand to get her attention once more before asking, “You wanna tell me why you stayed in a burning building?”

Ellie met his eyes once more, the concern in his features compelling her to try to explain something she couldn’t explain to herself. “I couldn’t… I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know the building was on fire?” Joel’s brow furrowed in concern.

Ellie shook her head in frustration. She thought the building was on fire, does that mean she knew it was? She remembers hiding, but it wasn’t instead of evacuating. It was her only option.

The only way to stay away from him .

How could she possibly explain that she sees and feels flames around her every time she as much as passes by the church without sounding like she’d absolutely fucking lost it.

Ellie doesn’t realize she’s crying until Joel gently reaches up to wipe her tears and push the hair that had fallen loose from her ponytail from her forehead. “What’s goin’ on in that head of yours?”

She doesn’t know.

Several days passed before Joel brought Ellie home and she had been silent through it all. Ellie wasn’t a quiet kid, not unless something was really wrong. The last time she’d been this quiet was after he found her in a burning building in Colorado and that terrified him far more than any of the physical concerns the doctor had outlined for him earlier that day.

The first time Ellie speaks she’s in Joel’s bed, curled up against his side as she had been for hours and he’d been sure she was asleep when her voice cracked next to him with a desperate confession. “I think I’m possessed or something.” 

Joel wants to cry at the pain in her voice and he has to hold himself back as he reaches over to flip on the lamp on his side of the bed. “Why do you think that, baby girl?”

“Every time I go anywhere near the church I feel like I’m dying.” She whispered hoarsely. “Like something or someone else is in control of me. I can’t think, or breathe, or fucking… anything.”

“There’s nothin’ wrong with you, baby girl. Well, nothin’ on the level of demons or possession.” Joel assured her softly, her description easy to place given his own experience with the feeling. “Sounds like a panic attack to me.”

Ellie stared back at him blankly, clearly waiting for him to continue.

“I know the feeling you’re talkin’ about. So does Tommy. And I’d wager a bet that Maria – and everyone else who cares about you – has felt it before too.” Joel explained patiently and when Ellie continued to stare at him skeptically he offered her more. “Tommy’s started when he was in the army before. Mine was after… after Sarah.”

The tightness in Ellie’s shoulders visibly softened slightly, but she didn’t say anything. Instead leaving Joel to drive the conversation further. “So churches?” He questioned softly. “FEDRA have y’all goin’ to that service in zone four?”

Ellie shook her head. “After that.”

Joel’s brow furrowed as he tried to place when she could have developed such an aversion to religion. He’d been with her since she left Boston. When would she have…

“It’s was him.” Ellie whispered quietly, pulling Joel’s arm over to her so she could bury her face in it. “He… David… was a preacher.”

Joel nodded slowly as the horrifying words “David’s newest pet” rang through his ears while he tried to put the pieces of what Ellie was telling him together. “He's the one from Silver Lake.” He felt a small nod against his side and he had to take a moment to compose himself before asking, “Do you want to tell me about what happened?”

This time he feels a shake of her head that doesn’t really surprise him. She’d never wanted to talk about it before and he’s not going to force her now. 

What he is going to do is try to figure out why she hadn’t come to him for help.

“Why didn’t you tell me, baby girl?” Joel whispered against the top of her head. “I know I’m shit at feelings but I know that you know you can ask me for help with anything. You don’t have to deal with shit like this alone anymore.”

Ellie sat up suddenly, her eyes filled with rage as she angrily snapped, “I tried but you never gave me a straight fucking answer about any of it.”

“What do you mean?” Joel shook his head in confusion, surprised by her claim that didn’t align with anything he could remember. 

“You’re not really church people but you went to two different ones growing up. You don’t believe the Bible’s literally real but you also think it’s true. You wish you got to give Sarah the ‘service she deserved’ after she died.” Ellie babbled on, her cheeks flushing more with each gasp of breath she took. “What the fuck was I supposed to do with that?”

“I didn’t give you a good answers to those questions because I didn’t understand what you were asking.” Joel explained, his heart breaking at the sight in front of him. “It don’t matter what I believe, baby girl. You can come to me about this. I’m not gonna judge you.”

“It feels like all of the happy people do church shit.” Ellie confessed, falling against his chest as she cried. “But that doesn’t make sense because David said God wanted him to be my father and that he wanted me to be his wife. How the fuck am I supposed to want any part of that?” 

“You don’t gotta believe in anything you don’t but there ain’t a God in the entire damn universe that would want you to get hurt. God is the one that good people believe does the helpin’ not the hurtin’.” Joel assured her, one hand rubbing small circles on Ellie’s back in an attempt to offer some semblance of physical comfort. “Anyone who tells you God wants you to hurt or that you should be doin’ anything you just don’t want to do ain’t a good person. You hear me?”

Ellie nodded, wiping tears from her eyes before snuggling into his side and letting out a heavy sigh of relief.

The pair lay in comfortable silence and he’s nearly asleep when Ellie’s anxiety-riddled voice sounds next to him once more. “Joel?”

Joel jolts awake, focusing all of his attention on the girl next to him. “Yeah, baby girl?”

“Thank you.”