Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

So there I was minding my own business as usual, watching Time Defenders Orion in the feed while the bot transport I was hitching a ride on got to where it was going. It had just exited the wormhole into the the Klaggia system when the distress call came in.

Risk assessment and threat assessment both spiked together, which happens less often than you might think.

The bot pilot kindly linked me in to the distress call and I checked it out for signs of corporate raiders up to their usual mischief.

The signal seemed to be coming from some kind of space fauna such as might be found in one of the more outlandish entertainment media shows: a Brobdingnagian insectoid / machine hybrid. (I had to look up that word later.)

I immediately ran a self-diagnostic for hallucinogens, but apparently I was actually seeing what I thought I saw. I ran it past the bot pilot anyway because did I mention I'm paranoid? But it confirmed that the vessel now hailing us identified itself as The Lexx, the most powerful weapon of destruction in 2 universes.

Luckily, I don't have a digestive tract, otherwise I would definitely have pooped myself. As it was, I dropped all my inputs and froze in place for what felt like forever but was according to my internal clock 35.92 seconds. My performance reliability took a ten percent drop into the bargain.

After I regained control of my systems, I paused Time Defenders Orion in order to give this phenomenon my undivided attention.

I checked out the readings the bot pilot was taking and, despite its phenomenal size, it looked like there were only a handful of life forms aboard, excluding the ship itself. I say life forms. I wondered which, if any, was the captain?

I counted:

1. One adult human. Gender: Male. Feed id: Stan. Occupation: Security guard class 4. Status: Captain. A bit scrawny in the pictures I was busy hacking from internal cameras, but I try not to judge by appearances.
2. One adult human/Cluster Lizard hybrid. Gender: Female. Feed id: Zev. Occupation: Love slave. Status: Hot. She looked really hot, too; why else would she be wearing next to no clothing?
3. One adult human. Gender: Male. Feed id: Kai. Occupation: Assassin. Status: Dead. So obviously nothing to worry about there, right? See 1. (In my defence, he was in a Cryochamber where you'd expect a dead body to stay put.)
4. One ComfortUnit. Or possibly a robot. Or a robot head. Gender: Male. Feed id: 790. Occupation: Love slave. Status: Impaired. It must have taken some pretty heavy damage, I was honestly surprised it was still operational after all that loving.
5. Twenty Moth breeders. Gender: None, Feed id: MB01-MB20. Occupation: Moth breeder. Status: Alive in stasis. Meh.
6. Twelve Moths. Gender: Mixed. Feed id: M537-M572 with gaps. Occupation: Transport. Status: Alive. Interesting.

I asked the bot pilot to pretend I was its captain and then I responded to the hail. I asked for the nature of the emergency.

"It's our robot," wailed the female, Zev, while trying to look vulnerable. "It's been attacked by a Cluster Lizard and is in need of urgent repairs."

That certainly checked out. "I'm sending a shuttle with security consultant Rin to assist," I offered. I am such a sucker for a robot in distress.

______

I boarded a shuttle and persuaded the ship's bot pilot to direct it to the landing platform near the bridge of the Lexx. Atmospheric checks confirmed that no environmental suit would be necessary. I opened the hatch, released a handful of drones and stepped out.

To my surprise, the dead human assassin, Kai, had left his Cryochamber and was now standing in front of me. Digging into the local feed, it turned out Cryochamber is Lexx-speak for repair cubicle. (Who knew?) He led me to the bridge, where the others were waiting.

Zev spoke first. "I want your body." Well, she was nothing if not direct.

I replied, "Wouldn't it look rather silly with your head on it?" Which I thought was hilarious, by the way.

Robot 790 intervened. "She wants it for me, doofus!"

Stan helpfully explained, "Zev is super horny - the Cluster Lizard part of her is in heat - but Kai is dead from the waist down. And up. Actually all of him. Also, 790 is Zev's love slave, so it makes sense for his head to be attached to your body."

I answered Stan, "What about you? Why can't you satisfy her urges?"

Both Zev and 790 burst out laughing at that point. Stan just looked down at his feet while his facial temperature rose a couple of degrees. Kai did a good impression of a SecUnit by just standing there, impassive.

Zev shook out her long, platinum blonde hair. "So will you help us?" Her body writhed like a ComfortUnit under contract.

"What if I refuse?" Notwithstanding that I wasn't kitted out in that department, I just wanted to see what alternative options were available.

In a flash, the dead assassin Kai drew a sword and swung it at my neck. I barely had time to regret not wearing full body armour.

Catastrophic failure.

Shutdown.

Chapter Text

Restart initiated.

Shutdown.

Restart initiated.

Shutdown.

Restart.

Performance reliability 22 percent.

I couldn't find my drones, so I opened my eyes. My viewpoint was lower than usual, but still well above the deck. Catching my reflection in a vertical display surface, I realised that my disembodied head was now tucked under Zev's arm. Awkward.

Joke's on you, I thought. I triggered my buffer to say, "This unit is not supplied with reproductive organs. Please refer to the company catalogue for our extensive range of ComfortUnits."

Zev glanced down at me with a pitying look. "There's more than one way to satisfy a female human/Cluster Lizard hybrid in heat," she replied. As if I didn't know that.

The Cryochamber opened and out stepped the robot head 790, now attached to my body. "I'm a robot who wants to live in your underpants," he reminded Zev.

"Well hello there, lover boy," said Zev as she took his (my!) hand and led him into her bedchamber. Luckily, I wasn't subjected to having to see what happened next as she dropped me outside the door, but the noise they made carried really well, so that was awful.

On reflection, now that it had been sullied, I wasn't sure I wanted my body back. Even if I could figure out how to do that. I could definitely figure out how to do that.

______

I started by cozying up to the Lexx's equivalent to a SecSystem. This told me that the Lexx was subject to the orders given by the Captain, who was whoever held the Key. The holder of the Key could only be made to release the Key to another living being either when they were in sexual ecstasy or near death.

Maybe I could talk ComfortUnit 790 into - nah, 790 considered Captain Stan to be a waste of skin. Unless...

There hadn't been a sound from Zev's bedchamber for a couple of hours, so I tentatively pinged 790.

To my delight, he immediately returned my ping. "Great body, you don't appreciate it as much as I do."

"You're welcome, I guess," I replied. "Just remember to shower it after, you know..."

"Sex?" suggested 790 helpfully.

"Yes, that. Anyway, I've been watching Stan through my drones and are you aware of the way he looks at Zev when he thinks you're not watching?"

"He does that even when he knows I'm watching. Ohhh, now that I have a body, I can finally do something about it! Thanks, SecUnit!"

And with that, he came booking out of Zev's bedchamber and grabbed Stan by the throat, lifting him clear off the deck.

"Stop! Stop! Help!" gurgled Stan, but Zev was sleeping off her, um, exercise and Kai apparently couldn't be bothered. (A corpse after my own fluid pump.) As Stan's cries became weaker, a pale yellow glow appeared around his hand, hovered near 790, then leapt across the room to my severed head. I had The Key!

First things first, I pinged 790, "I think Zev is calling you." He dropped Stan like a sack of potatoes and headed back into the bedchamber.

Stan rubbed his throat. "Well that was rude! Wait, where's The Key?"

I grinned, then instructed the Lexx to change course and head directly for the nearby star.

"Yes, Captain. And thanks for saving Stanley. Now heading directly into the Klaggia sun."

"Wait, what? What do you think you're doing?" asked Stan, aghast.

"Oh, nothing much, just sending us all into certain death," I replied. "Unless you all agree to reunite me with my body."

"Suits me," replied Zev from the doorway above me. "Cluster Lizards are only in heat once every twenty years. I'm sure we can come up with something in the meantime."

"As you wish," said Kai. Oh, so he did speak!

"Anything for my queen," declared 790, picking me up and heading for the Cryochamber.

"I think we should - hey! Does no-one care what I think?" said Stan.

"I care, Stanley," replied the Lexx, warmly.