Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

In a town like theirs, where gossip spread faster than wildfire, Monika had learned early on to keep her secrets. It was safer that way. People here loved their routines and their small-town ideals, and standing out was a recipe for trouble. Her parents wanted her to be a good girl. So she kept her head down, blending into the background like a shadow—until Ms. Beilschmidt walked into her life.

From the moment the new teacher stepped into the classroom, Monika was captivated. Ms. Beilschmidt was striking, with alabaster skin that seemed to glow against the dull walls of their school. Her hair, a long, flowing mane of white that cascaded down to her waist, was usually tied up in a neat bun, but Monika could see the few rebellious strands that slipped free. They framed Ms. Beilschmidt’s delicate features, drawing attention to her striking red eyes that glimmered with an intensity that sent shivers down Monika's spine.

When Ms. Beilschmidt spoke, her voice was deeper than Monika had expected, resonating in a way that commanded attention. It was a soothing tone at first, almost laid-back, but Monika quickly learned that beneath that calm exterior lay a fierce determination. When Ms. Beilschmidt began teaching, she transformed from the approachable figure everyone thought she would be into a strict educator who expected nothing but the best.

Monika watched as her classmates, initially enamored by Ms. Beilschmidt’s unique appearance, quickly learned not to test her. One glance from those red eyes, narrowed in disapproval, was enough to silence even the most rambunctious students. It fascinated Monika how effortlessly the teacher commanded respect without raising her voice.

With each passing day, Monika found herself more entranced. She paid close attention in class, not just to the lessons but to the way Ms. Beilschmidt moved, how she gestured when she explained complex topics, her voice weaving a tapestry of knowledge that enveloped them all. There was a magnetic pull that made Monika want to know more, to understand the woman behind the calm, authoritative facade.

But with every stolen glance, Monika felt a whirlwind of emotions building inside her—admiration, fondness and a deep longing that frightened her. She found herself daydreaming about what it would be like to talk to Ms. Beilschmidt, to connect beyond the student-teacher relationship. Yet, she knew better than to entertain those thoughts.

During lunch break, Monika’s best friend Feli was next to her, chattering away about his latest crush—a girl from their art class. As usual, he was all smiles, his hands animated as he spoke, his voice light and carefree. He could never understand the turmoil Monika found herself in. They had been best friends since kindergarten, and despite the fact that he was too weak to defend himself from bullies, Feli was a normal boy. He never had to hide himself or pretend.

Monika forced a smile, nodding along to his story, but her mind was elsewhere. She had been thinking about it for days now, wondering how to bring it up, how to even begin to explain the feelings she’d been wrestling with.

“Feli,” Monika said quietly, cutting him off mid-sentence. He'd known her for years. Maybe he would understand.

Feli stopped mid-sentence, blinking at her with those big, curious eyes. “What’s up, Monika? You okay?”

She took a deep breath, her heart hammering in her chest. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About, you know… stuff.” She winced at how vague that sounded, but words were harder to find than she thought.

Feli tilted his head, his curl bouncing slightly. “What kind of stuff?”

She hesitated, not sure how to start. She hadn’t even told him why she’d been so quiet lately, but it was getting harder and harder to keep it all bottled up. Feli was her best friend, and if anyone would listen, it should be him.

“I’ve just been thinking,” she said slowly, fidgeting with the hem of her sleeve. “About… feelings. And who I’m attracted to.”

Feli’s face brightened with understanding—or at least what he thought was understanding. “Oh! So, who is it? Do I know him?” He leaned closer, eager for a name. Even though Monika had never talked about having crushes before…

Monika felt her stomach twist. “It’s not that simple,” she muttered, staring at her hands. “I don’t know if it’s a guy.”

Feli paused, his expression scrunching up in confusion. “Wait, what do you mean? If it’s not a guy, then who…?” He trailed off, his brow furrowing. “You mean, you like… girls?”

Monika bit her lip, unsure. “Maybe? I don’t know. I just—sometimes I think about it, and it feels… different. Like maybe I’m not supposed to like guys the way everyone says I should. But I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.”

Feli blinked at her, completely lost. “But… you’re a girl. Girls like boys. That’s how it works, right?” He said it like he was stating the obvious, like it was something so ingrained in his mind that he couldn’t imagine it being any other way.

Monika sighed, feeling that familiar frustration bubbling up. “I know that’s what people say, but… I don’t think it’s that simple. I think about girls sometimes, in ways that aren’t just… friendly. And I don’t know if that’s normal or what it even means.”

Feli winced, frowning. “It’s just… people say it’s kind of weird. Like, unnatural or whatever. But some people are gay, I guess, so maybe you’re one of those people?”

Monika’s chest tightened, and she could feel the frustration and confusion mounting. She wasn’t sure what she had expected from this conversation, but it wasn’t this—a bunch of vague, secondhand ideas about what was “normal” and what wasn’t.

“I don’t think it’s about being unnatural,” Monika said, her voice quieter now. “I just… I feel different sometimes. And I don’t know what to do with that.”

Feli looked at her with a puzzled expression, clearly out of his depth. “Well, maybe you just haven’t met the right guy yet? That’s what people always say, right? Like, once you meet the right boy, it’ll all make sense.” He smiled, trying to sound encouraging.

Monika clenched her jaw, a flicker of irritation sparking inside her. “I don’t know if that’s true for me, Feli. What if I never feel that way about a guy? What if it’s only ever girls?”

Feli tilted his head, clearly struggling to grasp what she was saying. “I don’t know… I mean, I guess you’ll figure it out? But most people end up with a guy in the end, so it’s probably the same for you, right?”

Monika sighed heavily, realizing that Feli wasn’t going to give her the clarity she so desperately needed. He wasn’t trying to be dismissive, but he was just echoing everything they’d been taught growing up. The idea that she could be different—really different—was something he couldn’t wrap his head around.

“I guess,” she said finally, her voice small.

Feli smiled, clearly relieved that the conversation was winding down. “See? It’ll all make sense eventually. You just need time.”

Monika nodded, but the knot in her chest hadn’t loosened. If anything, it felt tighter. She had hoped talking to Feli would help her feel less alone, but now she wasn’t so sure. She forced a small smile, trying to shake off the heaviness that clung to her.

“Yeah,” she murmured, “maybe I just need time.”

“Ms. Beilschmidt,” Monika greeted, trying to sound casual. They had to do a project on a historical period or an event of their choice. And Monika wanted to make sure if the subject she chose was a good one or not.

Maria looked up and smiled warmly. “Hi, Monika! What brings you here?”

“I wanted to chat about the project,” Monika replied, feeling a bit more at ease. “I want my subject to be the Unification of Germany and all the political changes surrounding it. And I wanted to ask you about it.”

Maria’s eyes lit up with enthusiasm. “Oh, the Unification of Germany is one of my favorite subjects! It’s such a fascinating time of transformation and national identity. What specifically are you interested in?”

“I’m curious about how Bismarck played a role in unifying the German states,” Monika said, her excitement growing. “I read that his strategies were really influential.”

“Absolutely,” Maria replied, leaning forward in her chair. “Bismarck was a master of diplomacy and warfare. His use of realpolitik was key in navigating the complexities of the time. And let’s not forget Prussia’s critical role in this process. Without Prussia’s military strength and strategic alliances, unification would have looked very different.”

Monika nodded, feeling energized by the conversation. “It’s interesting how he manipulated different factions to achieve his goals. It really shows the power of political maneuvering. I mean, it’s wild to think about how Prussia was both a leader in unification and a driving force in establishing a strong German Empire.”

“Exactly! The Franco-Prussian War was a turning point that solidified the unification. Bismarck used it to rally the German states against a common enemy,” Maria explained, her passion for the subject evident. “There were so many voices, both for and against it.”

“Right! I didn’t think about the societal impact,” Monika said, furrowing her brow in thought. “I want to explore how the arts and literature of that time reflected the desire for a unified Germany.”

“Great angle! Many artists and writers were deeply involved in the conversation about national identity, particularly those from the Kingdom of Prussia,” Maria encouraged, her smile brightening. “I can suggest some works for you to look into.”

“That would be awesome! Thank you!” Monika replied, feeling a rush of gratitude. “You really make history come alive.”

“That’s the goal!” Maria said with a laugh. “It’s about understanding how past events shape our present and future.”

As they continued to discuss the project, Monika felt her initial nerves fade away, replaced by excitement and curiosity. “I can’t wait to start working on it,” she said, her voice full of enthusiasm.

“Me too! And remember, if you need any help or just want to talk through your ideas, my door is always open,” Maria said, her tone encouraging.

“I will! Thanks again, Ms. Beilschmidt,” Monika said as she started to head for the door.

“See you in class, Monika!” Maria called after her, her voice warm and welcoming.

As Monika walked away, she felt lighter, buoyed by their conversation. The exchange had been a perfect distraction from the complexity of her feelings.

____________________________________________________________

Maria Beilschmidt stood by the window, staring out at the wide fields stretching endlessly beneath the soft glow of the setting sun. It was quiet in the countryside, and she had come to appreciate the solitude, but today, the silence felt heavier. The memories she tried so hard to bury had been creeping up again, as they always did when she let her mind wander too far.

Anneliese.

The name still tasted bitter on her tongue, even after all these years. She hadn’t spoken it aloud in so long, but it haunted her in the quiet moments, when the weight of their past pressed down on her chest.

Anneliese had been her everything in high school—her best friend, her confidante, her first love. But Maria had always wanted more. And for a while, it seemed like Anneliese did too.

The first time they kissed had been during a late-night study session, when they were supposed to be cramming for exams. Anneliese had leaned in, her lips brushing Maria’s in a soft, hesitant kiss, and Maria had felt like the world stopped. Everything in her body had screamed that this was right, that this was what love was supposed to feel like. For a few months, it was their secret. Hidden moments behind closed doors, stolen glances in crowded hallways, hands that lingered a little too long when no one was looking.

But it didn’t last.

The break had been as sudden as it was brutal. Maria still remembered every word, every harsh syllable that Anneliese had thrown at her that day.

“I can’t keep doing this, Maria,” Anneliese snapped, her voice low but sharp. They were standing behind the gym, hidden from the rest of the school, like they always were when they wanted to be alone.

“What do you mean?” Maria asked, her stomach twisting in dread. She knew what was coming, but she didn't want to believe it.

Anneliese crossed her arms, her expression cold, almost distant. “I’m done. This… whatever this is—it’s over.”

Maria stared at her, unable to comprehend. “Why? What’s wrong? We’re fine. We’re together, and—”

“No, we’re not!” Anneliese cut her off, her eyes hard. “We’re not together, Maria. This was never real. It was just a stupid phase.”

Maria’s heart felt like it was being ripped in two. “A phase? You kissed me! You said you loved me!”

Anneliese’s face twisted with frustration, her voice rising. “I was confused! I thought I wanted this, but I don’t! It was a mistake.”

“It wasn’t a mistake,” Maria said, her voice shaking. “You know it wasn’t.”

Anneliese looked away, her jaw tight. “It doesn’t matter. My parents have arranged for me to marry someone. Someone real. Someone who can actually give me a future, not… this.”

Maria felt like she couldn’t breathe. “So you’re just going to marry some guy your parents picked for you? You don’t even love him.”

Anneliese’s eyes flicked back to Maria, colder than she’d ever seen them. “Love doesn’t matter. What we had was nothing. It was wrong. I’m not… I’m not like you.”

Maria took a step forward, her heart pounding in her chest. “What does that mean? You’re not like me? You kissed me, Anneliese. You said you felt the same way. I know you did.”

Anneliese’s face hardened even further, a wall going up between them that Maria couldn’t break through. “I don’t care what I said. It’s over. I have a life to live, and it’s not going to be with you.”

Maria felt the words like a slap, the sting of them cutting deeper than anything else ever could. “So that’s it? You’re just going to pretend like none of this ever happened?”

Anneliese shrugged, her eyes cold and distant. “It didn’t matter. None of it ever mattered.”

The finality of her words hit Maria like a punch to the gut. She stood there, numb, as Anneliese turned and walked away without looking back. Without even a hint of regret.

That was the last time Maria saw her.

Anneliese had married the man her parents chose within the year. Maria hadn’t gone to the wedding—she couldn’t. She had heard about it, though, from mutual friends, from the whispers in town. Anneliese had smiled in the photos, but it was a smile that Maria knew wasn’t real. Still, she had made her choice. She had chosen a life of comfort and security, a life that didn’t include Maria.

Now, standing by the window of her new life, Maria felt the familiar ache settle into her bones. She had moved on, at least in the ways that mattered. She had left that town, built a life for herself far from the memories that still lingered. But the scars were still there, deep and painful, a constant reminder of what she had lost. Or maybe what had never really been hers to begin with.

Anneliese had denied everything—her love, her feelings, her very self. And in the end, she had denied Maria, too.

Maria sighed, running a hand through her long white hair. She had grown stronger over the years, but the bitterness still lingered. She had loved Anneliese with everything she had, but that love hadn’t been enough. It hadn’t been enough to fight against fear, against tradition, against everything that kept them apart.

Anneliese had chosen the easy path, the one laid out for her by her parents, by society. And in doing so, she had turned her back on Maria, on everything they had shared.

Maria had learned to live with the pain, but it was always there, lurking beneath the surface. She had loved fiercely, and it had nearly broken her. But now, in this quiet place, far from the world that had once crushed her spirit, she was trying to heal.

And yet, no matter how much time passed, Anneliese’s words still echoed in her mind, as sharp and unforgiving as the day they were spoken.

“It didn’t matter.”

Maria had tried to believe that. She had tried to tell herself that it was true, that none of it had mattered. But deep down, she knew better.

It had mattered. And that was why it hurt so damn much.

____________________________________________________________

It started the same way it always did. Alfred was standing by the lockers, arms crossed and a smirk plastered across his face as Feli shuffled nervously toward his own locker. Monika watched from a few feet away, her eyes narrowing as she saw the familiar tension building in Alfred’s posture.

“Hey, Feli!” Alfred’s voice rang out, loud and sharp. “Did you forget how to walk, or are you just always this slow?”

Feli flinched but didn’t respond, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground as he fumbled with his locker combination. Monika clenched her fists. She’d seen Alfred pull this routine too many times, and something about it felt different lately—worse. It wasn’t just teasing anymore. It was more like Alfred was trying to provoke something in Feli, something Monika couldn’t quite figure out.

“Answer me, you idiot!” Alfred snapped, stepping closer, his tone harsher than usual. “Or is it that you can’t even think for yourself?”

Monika’s heart raced. She couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Alfred, leave him alone!” she shouted, stepping between them before Alfred could make another move.

Alfred’s smirk faltered for a split second before he sneered, his gaze shifting to Monika. “What’s this? The knight in shining armor coming to rescue poor little Feli?”

Monika squared her shoulders, trying to keep her voice steady. “You’re acting like a jerk, Alfred. Just leave him alone.”

Alfred’s eyes flickered, something unreadable passing through them, but he covered it up with a sarcastic laugh. “Oh, so you’re his protector now, huh? What, you think he needs you to fight his battles for him?”

“I think you need to grow up and stop acting like a bully,” Monika shot back, her heart pounding in her chest.

Alfred’s expression darkened, and for a moment, Monika thought he might actually back down. But then, with a flash of anger, he shoved her hard. The impact sent her stumbling backward, crashing into the lockers with a sharp thud. Pain exploded in her side as her head hit the metal, and she gasped in shock.

“Monika!” Feli cried out, rushing to her side, his face pale with fear.

Before Monika could gather her breath, the air around them changed—an almost tangible shift in the atmosphere.

“What is the meaning of this?”

Ms. Beilschmidt’s voice cut through the tension like a knife. She stood at the end of the hallway, her striking red eyes locked on Alfred, her expression cold and unyielding.

Alfred froze, his cocky smirk slipping as their teacher strode toward them, her long white hair tied up in a neat bun. The way she moved, with absolute authority, made Alfred look small in comparison, despite his height.

“I—I didn’t do anything, Ms. Beilschmidt,” Alfred stammered, trying to sound casual but failing miserably.

Maria’s gaze didn’t waver. “From where I’m standing, it certainly looks like you did.”

Alfred opened his mouth to argue, but Maria’s eyes narrowed, and whatever words he had died in his throat. “Detention. Two weeks,” she said, her voice cold and final. “And if I catch you bothering another student again, we’ll have a very different conversation. You will end up in court.”

Alfred swallowed hard, his eyes darting between Maria and Feli. For a brief moment, his expression softened, almost like he wanted to say something—to explain. But then he shook his head and muttered under his breath before stalking off down the hall.

Maria’s gaze followed him for a moment before she turned her attention to Monika, who was still wincing from the blow to her side. Her eyes softened slightly, her concern evident.

“Monika, are you all right?” Maria asked, her voice quieter now, though still carrying that underlying authority.

“I’m fine,” Monika lied, trying to stand up straight, though the pain in her side was sharper than she’d anticipated.

Maria frowned, her red eyes scanning her with a careful intensity. “You’re hurt. Come with me to my office. I’ll take a look at you.”

Monika wanted to protest, but the firm tone in Maria’s voice left no room for argument. She nodded reluctantly and followed Maria, casting a glance back at Feli, who was still looking shaken.

“I’ll be okay,” she whispered to him before turning and walking down the hall with Ms. Beilschmidt.

Inside Maria’s office, the air was thick with an odd tension that Monika couldn’t quite place. Maria helped her sit down, her movements gentle but precise, her deep voice steady.

“Let me take a look at your side,” Maria said, her fingers brushing lightly against Monika’s arm as she reached for her shirt.

Monika’s breath caught in her throat as Maria gently lifted the hem of her shirt to examine the bruise forming along her ribs. Maria’s fingers were cool against her skin, the touch sending an unexpected warmth coursing through Monika’s body.

“You’ve got quite the bruise,” Maria murmured, her voice soft, her fingers lingering for a moment longer than necessary before she let go.

Monika’s heart pounded in her chest, and she swallowed hard, trying to focus on anything other than the way Maria’s touch had made her feel. “I’ll be fine,” she whispered, though her voice wavered slightly.

Maria didn’t respond immediately. She stood up, walking over to her desk, her back turned to Monika. The silence between them stretched, and Monika found herself staring at Maria’s tall figure, the way her long white hair was tied up in that familiar bun, the way her posture was so rigid, so controlled.

There was something in the air between them now—something that hadn’t been there before. Monika couldn’t quite explain it, but it made her chest feel tight, her skin warm.

When Maria finally turned back around, her expression was calm, but there was something else in her eyes—something conflicted. She handed Monika an ice pack without saying a word, her fingers brushing against Monika’s for just a moment.

“Thank you,” Monika said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Maria nodded, but there was a tension in her jaw that hadn’t been there earlier. She seemed lost in thought, her red eyes flickering as if she were trying to make sense of something.

Monika shifted in her seat, unsure of what to say or how to break the silence. The closeness between them, the way Maria had touched her, felt different now. Like they had crossed some invisible line neither of them fully understood.

Maria’s voice was quieter when she finally spoke again. “You were brave today, standing up for Feliciano. But you shouldn’t have to put yourself in danger like that.”

“I couldn’t just let Alfred keep doing what he’s been doing,” Monika said, her voice still trembling slightly. “He’s been picking on Feli for weeks. It’s like… I don’t know. It’s like he has some weird obsession with him.”

Maria’s eyes darkened at that, her gaze distant as if she were trying to piece something together. “Some people act out because they don’t understand their own feelings,” she said quietly, almost to herself.

Monika blinked, confused. “What do you mean?”

Maria hesitated, her gaze flicking back to Monika, something unreadable in her eyes. “Sometimes when people feel something they don’t know how to deal with, they lash out. Hurt the person they’re really drawn to.”

Monika felt a strange chill run down her spine as Maria’s words sank in. Was that what had been happening with Alfred all this time? Could he have been… confused about Feli?

The thought left her reeling, but before she could say anything, Maria took a step back, the moment between them shifting again.

“You should get some rest,” Maria said, her voice back to its usual calm, though there was a subtle edge to it now. “And stay out of trouble.”

Monika nodded, though her mind was spinning with everything that had just happened, the strange undercurrent that had passed between them. She didn’t know what it meant, but she could feel it—things were different now.

And somehow, that terrified and thrilled her all at once.

Chapter Text

The afternoon sun filtered through the classroom windows as Monika sat at her desk, her attention half on the lesson, half on Maria Beilschmidt. It had been two months since Maria had started teaching at the school, and in that time, Monika had grown used to lingering after class, asking her questions… anything to keep their conversations going. She wasn’t sure when it had started, this odd fascination with her teacher, but it seemed to grow every day.

Maria’s voice was deep and steady as she spoke about the rise of medieval cities. “The establishment of trade routes and guilds shaped European society, leading to the centralization of power and the gradual shift toward modern governance.”

At the end of class, when the other students filed out, Monika stayed behind. It had become routine by now. She didn’t even have a specific question in mind; she just wanted to talk to Maria, to see if she could get her to open up a little more, maybe learn something about her beyond the history lessons.

Maria noticed her staying back, as usual. “Monika, do you have a question?” Her tone was formal but patient.

Monika nodded, though she hadn’t prepared anything. “Yeah, I was just wondering... you said guilds were important for trade, but did they have a role in politics too? I mean, beyond just regulating craftsmen?”

Maria’s expression softened, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “Yes, they did. Guilds had significant political influence in medieval cities. They weren’t just economic institutions; they often dictated local governance and even influenced larger political decisions.”

Monika listened intently, though it wasn’t really the content of Maria’s answer she cared about. It was the way Maria spoke to her seriously, with full attention, as if she were more than just a student asking a basic question.

“Thanks,” Monika said, not wanting the conversation to end. “It’s just... I’ve been thinking about how much power they must have had, and how much that might have shaped the lives of ordinary people.”

Maria nodded. “Exactly. Political power isn’t just held by kings and nobles; it trickles down to those who control the economy. The guilds were a perfect example of that.”

There was a pause, a quiet moment that Monika didn’t know how to fill. She wanted to ask something more personal, something that might let her get closer to Maria, but the words stuck in her throat. Instead, she nodded again, giving a small smile before turning to leave.

“Have a good day, Monika,” Maria said, her voice gentle as always but maintaining a careful distance.

___________________________________________

Across the school, Feliciano was finishing packing his bag at his locker, his hands shaking slightly as he hurried. He’d been trying to avoid Alfred all day, but it hadn’t worked. Alfred Jones, with his confident smirk and intimidating presence, was leaning against the wall nearby, watching him. Feliciano could feel Alfred’s eyes on him, and though he wanted to smile and act friendly like always, his fear made it impossible.

Alfred had never been kind to him. He’d mocked Feliciano for being soft, for being too cheerful, for everything that made Feliciano... well, Feliciano. And though the teasing was usually just verbal, it was relentless. Lately, it had felt like more than teasing. Alfred seemed angry with him for no reason, and Feliciano had no idea why.

“Hey, Feliciano,” Alfred called out, his voice mocking as he sauntered over. “Where’re you rushing off to? Got a date with your sketchbook?”

Feliciano tensed, his fingers clutching the straps of his bag. “N-no... just heading home,” he stammered, trying to keep his tone light. He knew it was better not to react, but his fear was obvious.

Alfred stepped closer, too close. “What’s the matter? Scared of me or something?” he asked, his grin sharp, though there was something dark behind his eyes that Feliciano couldn’t read.

Feliciano swallowed hard. “No... I’m not scared.” But his voice betrayed him, shaking just enough to make Alfred’s grin widen.

“Good,” Alfred said, his tone mocking as he shoved Feliciano lightly against the lockers. “No reason to be scared, right? We’re just friends.”

The words twisted something in Feliciano’s gut. He hated how Alfred used the word "friends" when it was clear they weren’t. And yet, some part of him still hoped—hoped that if he stayed friendly, if he smiled enough, maybe Alfred would stop. Maybe they really could be friends.

But as Alfred walked away, laughing to himself, Feliciano felt small, powerless. He took a deep breath, trying to shake the feeling, but the knot of fear stayed tight in his chest.

___________________________________________

Maria sat at her desk, staring at the stack of papers needing her attention. But no matter how hard she tried to focus, her mind kept drifting back to Monika. 

At first, she had dismissed her feelings as nothing more than admiration for a bright, eager student. Monika was always asking insightful questions, her passion for history evident in every interaction. It was refreshing, and Maria had found herself enjoying those moments more than she wanted to admit. But as time went on, she began to realize that it was more than just professional admiration.

Maria rubbed her temples, frustrated with herself. She didn't want to go down this road again. She had sworn off emotional attachments after her painful breakup with Anneliese, her high school best friend. Anneliese had been everything to her, but when it came time to choose between love and duty, she had walked away, leaving Maria heartbroken and alone. 

Now, the idea of developing feelings for Monika felt like a repeat of that heartache. She had worked so hard to keep her personal life separate from her teaching career, yet every time Monika looked at her with those earnest, inquisitive eyes, it became harder to maintain that distance. 

Maria let out a frustrated sigh. It was just a crush, she told herself. Just a fleeting infatuation. Monika was a smart, talented young woman, and Maria admired her in a way that any teacher would. But there was something deeper there, something that made her heart race whenever Monika smiled or laughed during their conversations. It was maddening. 

She closed her eyes, trying to push the thoughts away. There was no reason for her to feel this way. Monika was a student—she had to maintain professionalism. Yet, every time Monika lingered after class, eager to discuss a topic in more depth, the barrier Maria had built began to crumble.

“No, no,” Maria whispered to herself, shaking her head as if to physically dispel the emotions swirling inside her. “You can’t do this.” She had a responsibility to her students, and she couldn’t let her feelings interfere with that.

But despite her best efforts, Maria found herself drawn to Monika more and more, and it terrified her. The connection was there, subtle yet undeniable, and she knew she had to tread carefully. 

___________________________________________

As Monika sat across from Maria in her living room, the soft glow of the setting sun filtered through the curtains, casting a warm light over the table where they had spread out history notes and textbooks. After a long week, she had been both excited and nervous about this meeting. It had taken a few extra pushes of courage to finally ask for help on the history project, but now that she was here, Monika could barely focus on the lesson. The sound of Maria’s voice, low and deep, echoing inside her head, making it hard to think about anything other than the woman sitting before her.

The afternoon had started out so casually. Monika approached Maria after class, her heart pounding in her chest. The classroom had cleared out, the echo of laughter and chatter fading as she walked toward the front.

“Ms. Beilschmidt, do you have a moment?” Monika had asked, her voice shaking slightly.

Maria looked up from her grading, offering a warm smile. “Of course, Monika. What’s on your mind?”

“I’m struggling with the research for the history project you assigned,” Monika had admitted, feeling her face flush. “I know you’ve mentioned we could ask for extra help, and I was wondering if I could take you up on that.”

“Absolutely,” Maria replied, her tone encouraging. “I have time after school today. We can go over it together.”

Later, as they prepared to begin their session in the classroom, another teacher came in, needing the room for a scheduled event. Maria looked momentarily flustered as she considered their options. With no other classrooms available and time running short, she glanced at Monika and suggested, “The classroom is unavailable, but if you don’t mind, we can continue this at my house. It’s close by.”

Monika had blinked in surprise, her heart racing at the thought of being alone with Maria in her home, but she quickly agreed. “Sure, that would be great.”

Now, as they sat at the small table, Monika’s mind wandered. She could barely concentrate on the lesson. Every time Maria leaned in closer to explain something, Monika’s pulse quickened. She found herself leaning in too, almost unconsciously. She didn’t want the session to end; she wanted to remain in this moment with Maria, where the barriers of school seemed to fade away.

As Maria reached over to adjust a page in one of the textbooks, her hand brushed against Monika’s, sending a jolt through her. Their eyes met, and for a moment, everything seemed to slow down. Monika felt a pull, an irresistible urge to close the distance between them. She could smell the faint scent of Maria’s perfume, could see the way her lips parted slightly as if she were about to say something but hesitated.

Monika’s heart pounded in her chest. Her gaze flickered to Maria’s lips, then back to her eyes. She felt herself leaning in, just a little. The space between them seemed so small, so easy to cross. Her hand twitched, wanting to reach out, to touch Maria’s face, to close that gap and see what it would be like to--

No.

Monika pulled back abruptly, her breath catching in her throat. The realization of what she had almost done hit her like a wave of cold water. She could feel her face flushing, her palms sweating. What had she been thinking? Maria was her teacher. This wasn’t right.

“I-I should go,” Monika blurted out, standing up too quickly and nearly knocking over her chair.

Maria looked at her with surprise, clearly taken aback by her sudden change in demeanor. “Are you sure? We’re almost done.”

“Yeah, I... sorry, I just remembered I have something to do,” Monika stammered, gathering her things in a rush. She could barely look at Maria, afraid that if she did, it would be obvious what she had almost done.

Maria stood as well, watching Monika with a furrowed brow. “Alright... if you’re sure.” She sounded concerned, but there was something else in her tone too, something that Monika couldn’t quite place.

“Thank you for helping me,” Monika mumbled, avoiding eye contact as she hurried toward the door.

“Of course,” Maria said softly, her voice more distant now. “Take care, Monika.”

As Monika stepped outside into the cool evening air, she let out a shaky breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. Her heart was still racing, her thoughts a jumbled mess. She had almost kissed Maria. She had almost crossed a line she couldn’t uncross.

But as much as she tried to push the feelings away, she knew they were still there, stronger than ever. And that scared her.

___________________________________________

Feliciano slumped against the wall of his room, staring blankly at the open sketchbook in his lap. The late afternoon sun spilled through the window, but its warmth felt distant as a storm of confusion brewed in his mind. Ever since Monika had confided in him about her attraction to girls, he couldn’t shake the weight of her words. They had hung in the air like an uninvited guest, stirring thoughts he wasn’t sure he was ready to confront.

The memory of her voice echoed in his head: “I think I might like girls.” She had said it so earnestly, her eyes wide with a mix of fear and excitement. In that moment, he had tried to be supportive, but now he found himself grappling with an unsettling truth--her words had opened up a floodgate of feelings he hadn’t even considered before.

Could he feel that way about boys? The thought made his stomach twist into knots. He had always admired his male classmates from a distance, but the idea of being attracted to them filled him with anxiety. It was one thing to look at Alfred and admire his confident smile or to appreciate how girls flocked around him. But to admit that he might actually like him? The mere thought made Feliciano’s heart race with fear. What would that mean for him? Would people think he was strange? Would they accept him, or would they turn away?

Feliciano rubbed his eyes, trying to dispel the thoughts that spiraled out of control. He remembered the way Alfred had laughed, the way he effortlessly charmed everyone around him. But was it wrong to admire that? To think of Alfred in a way that was different from his usual crushes on girls? He felt a tight knot in his chest at the thought of admitting anything to anyone, especially to Monika, who seemed to navigate these feelings with a clarity he could only dream of.

He had always felt more comfortable crushing on girls, daydreaming about them, painting their smiles in his sketches. But the idea of liking a boy was like stepping off a cliff into the unknown, and he was terrified of what he might find. What if it meant he was different? What if it changed everything?

“What’s wrong with me?” he whispered to himself, frustration boiling beneath the surface. The world seemed so straightforward for everyone else, but he felt like he was standing at a crossroads, lost and unsure of which path to take. He wanted to scream, to lash out at the confusion that threatened to swallow him whole.

Feliciano closed the sketchbook, his heart pounding in his chest. He wanted to talk to someone, to reach out, but who would understand? How could he explain these swirling thoughts to Monika when he barely understood them himself? The last thing he wanted was to burden her with his confusion when she was already navigating her own feelings.

He felt a chill creep over him as he considered the possibility that maybe he wasn’t meant to understand. Maybe this was just another layer of himself he had to hide away, like a secret tucked in a drawer, never to see the light of day. 

“I can’t think about this,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair in frustration. He needed to push these thoughts away, to pretend they didn’t exist. If he could just go back to daydreaming about girls, everything would feel normal again. 

But as he glanced at the sketchbook, he knew that wasn’t true. This was a part of him that he couldn’t ignore forever. 

“Just keep it to yourself,” he whispered, almost as a mantra, trying to convince himself that it was the easier path. “You can’t let anyone know. Just... don’t think about it.”

With a heavy heart, he tucked the sketchbook away and tried to focus on anything else, but the storm inside him continued to churn, refusing to be silenced. 

___________________________________________ 

Monika sat on the edge of her bed, her heart racing as she replayed her parents' words in her mind. They had stormed into her room, their faces twisted with concern, but it felt more like an interrogation than a heartfelt conversation.

“Monika, we’re worried about you,” her mother had said, her voice tight with frustration. “You’ve been acting so distant lately. You don’t talk about boys, you don’t hang out with friends like you used to. There’s something wrong.”

Her father chimed in, “You can’t just ignore what’s normal. You need to start thinking about your future, about relationships.”

Monika felt her stomach churn at their words. They had always had expectations for her, and now, it felt like they were closing in on her. “I’m fine,” she had replied weakly, her voice barely above a whisper. “I just… I’m busy with school.”

“Busy with what?” her mother pressed. “You need to be more like other girls your age. Find a nice boy, settle down… what’s so hard about that?”

“I’m not interested in boys!” Monika finally shouted, her frustration boiling over. “I just want to be myself!” The air in the room turned thick with tension, her parents’ shocked expressions only fueling her anger and confusion.

“Monika, this isn’t the time for defiance,” her father said, his voice stern. “You can’t throw your life away chasing after something that isn’t normal. We just want what’s best for you.”

“Normal?” Monika echoed incredulously, feeling the walls of her room close in on her. “What is normal? You don’t even care about what I want. You just want me to fit into your mold!” Tears streamed down her face as she yelled, feeling the weight of their expectations crushing her.

Her mother stepped forward, desperation etched on her face. “We’re trying to help you! You need to understand how the world works. You’ll thank us later.”

“Thank you for what? For pushing me into a life I don’t want?” Monika cried, her voice breaking. “You don’t even know me!” 

In that moment, Monika felt utterly alone. The words she had always kept bottled up exploded into a cacophony of pain and confusion. “I can’t do this anymore!” she screamed, throwing her hands up in frustration. “I can’t keep pretending to be someone I’m not!”

That was it. Her parents’ disappointed silence made her heart race, and before she knew it, she was storming out of her room, running away from the suffocating atmosphere of her home. The tears flowed freely down her cheeks as she fled, feeling lost and desperate for an escape.

In a fit of emotion, she grabbed a pair of scissors from the kitchen and marched back to her room. As she looked in the mirror, all she could see was the girl they wanted her to be, and it felt like a stranger. With a shaking hand, she snipped off her long blonde hair, watching it fall to the floor in chunks. Each cut was a release, a rebellion against the expectations that had trapped her for so long. But when she finished, all she could see was the short, choppy hair that made her feel ugly, and the realization of what she had done hit her hard. The tears fell faster now, a mixture of relief and regret washing over her.

Feeling completely broken, Monika ran out of her house and started toward Maria’s place. She needed someone to understand, someone to tell her that it was okay to be who she was. With each step, she felt more lost, her heart pounding with anxiety as the reality of her situation set in.

When she finally reached Maria’s house, she knocked on the door, her hands trembling. Maria answered quickly, and the concern in her eyes made Monika’s heart ache. “Monika? What happened?” Maria asked, noticing her tear-streaked face and the wildness in her eyes.

“Please, can I come in?” Monika managed, her voice cracking. Maria stepped aside, letting her in, and closed the door behind them.

“What’s going on?” Maria asked, her tone urgent as she studied Monika’s expression. 

Monika shook her head, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I don’t know what to do. My parents...” She choked on her words, the memories of their confrontation flooding back. “They don’t understand me! They think something’s wrong because I’m not… normal!” 

Maria’s expression softened, her concern deepening. “Monika, take a breath. You’re safe here. You can talk to me.” 

“I just want to be myself, but they want me to be someone I’m not,” Monika said, her voice trembling. “I can’t keep pretending, and I don’t know how to make them see that!” 

Maria moved closer, reaching out to take Monika’s hands in hers. “You’re not alone in this. It’s okay to feel lost sometimes. You’re strong for wanting to be true to yourself.” 

But as Monika looked into Maria’s eyes, the weight of her emotions crashed down on her again. “I feel like I’m losing it,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “I chopped off my hair because I thought it would help, but now I just feel… ugly.”

Maria’s heart ached for her. “You’re beautiful, Monika. Hair doesn’t define who you are.” 

Monika shook her head, but Maria continued, her voice steady and soothing. “You are so much more than that. You have a beautiful heart, and anyone who can’t see that isn’t worth your time.”

Feeling a mix of comfort and longing, Monika stepped closer to Maria, seeking solace in her presence. “I just wanted to be free,” she murmured. “And now I don’t know what to do.”

“Let’s take it one step at a time,” Maria said softly, her eyes filled with compassion. She brushed a few stray tears away from Monika’s cheek with her thumb, sending a shiver down Monika’s spine. The warmth of Maria’s touch lingered, igniting something deep within Monika, a flicker of hope amidst the chaos.

But then, the weight of their reality crashed back down, and Monika found herself hesitating. The moment felt fragile, full of unspoken desires and fears. “What if this doesn’t change anything?” she asked, her voice trembling. 

Maria’s gaze softened. “You have to believe in yourself first. I believe in you, Monika. You’re stronger than you realize.” 

With that reassurance, Monika leaned closer, feeling the electric pull between them. The air grew thick with unspoken words, and in a moment of desperation, she kissed Maria, pouring every feeling into that one act--relief, fear, hope, and an aching desire to be seen. But just as quickly as it began, Maria pulled away, panic flooding her senses.

“No, we can’t. This is wrong,” she gasped, stepping back as if burned. “I can’t do this to you, Monika. You know--”

Monika looked hurt, and Maria's heart ached at the sight. “Why not?” she asked, desperation creeping into her voice. “I want this. I want you.”

“Because I can’t be the one to guide you through this. I can’t let myself fall into something I might regret later. I’m afraid of what this could mean for both of us,” Maria confessed, tears welling in her eyes.

“But it doesn’t have to mean anything bad,” Monika argued, stepping forward again, her determination unyielding. “You don’t have to be afraid of me. I know what I want, and it’s you.”

“Monika, please,” Maria pleaded, feeling the weight of the moment suffocating her. “You’re so important to me, and I don’t want to lose you. But I have to think about what’s best for you, and this… this isn’t it.”

The longing in Monika's gaze pierced through Maria, and for an agonizing moment, she felt the urge to step forward and pull Monika into her arms, to reassure her that everything would be okay. 

"Monika..." Maria began, her voice barely above a whisper, searching for the right words. "I care about you so much, but this is complicated. I’m your teacher, and I don't want to cross any lines. I don't want to hurt you."

Monika's eyes glistened with unshed tears, and for a moment, Maria's resolve wavered. The ache in Monika's voice was almost too much to bear. "You’ve seen me when no one else would," Monika said, her voice trembling. "You’ve made me feel safe. When I'm with you, I can be myself. I thought maybe…” 

"But what if I can’t give you what you want?" Maria asked, her voice faltering. The truth was, the feelings she had for Monika were stronger than she wanted to admit, and the prospect of losing her terrified her. “What if this ruins everything?” 

Monika's gaze softened, the fear in her eyes replaced by determination. “Then at least I’ll know I tried. I’ve spent so long feeling trapped and alone. I just want a chance to be honest about who I am… and who I want.” 

The vulnerability in Monika’s confession tugged at Maria’s heartstrings, and she felt herself wavering further. But the memories of her past heartbreak loomed over her, whispering doubts into her mind. Her heart had been broken before; the idea of letting herself feel again was terrifying.

As silence fell between them, Maria felt her heart breaking for Monika. She wanted to comfort her, to reassure her, but the fear of the unknown held her back.

Finally, Monika turned away, the spark of hope in her eyes dimming. “I should go,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. 

Maria felt a sense of loss wash over her as Monika made her way to the door. “Monika, wait--” she called out, but it was too late. Monika had slipped out, leaving Maria standing alone in the dim light of the room, her heart heavy with unspoken feelings and the fear of what lay ahead.

As Monika walked away, she felt the weight of her heartache pressing down on her, and the fear of never being able to express her true self loomed over her like a dark cloud. She needed to be brave, to fight for the feelings she had finally found the courage to acknowledge. But without Maria, the road ahead felt uncertain, filled with the shadows of doubt and fear.

Back inside the house, Maria sank into her chair, feeling utterly lost. She had let Monika in, even if just for a moment, and the warmth of that connection lingered in the air. But with it came the realization that letting go might be the only way to protect them both from the heartache that could come from their desires.