Archive of Our Own ^beta

Saedii never hesitated. Never hesitated to take a life, to lead a charge, to fire a missile. Never hesitated to throw herself into war, to sacrifice herself, in the name of pride. 

She did, however, hesitate at the medbay door.

It had been only two hours since the Ra’haam was defeated, and every hologram, broadcast, and news channel sung the praises of her brother’s Be’shmai. Aurora in question had been rushed to a medbay, along with Kal, to treat their injuries. They were as healthy as possible given the circumstances, and there was nothing critical, but nurses were always so indecisive. 

Tyler’s voice rang in her head.

“You don’t want to talk to him?” He had whispered, watching as Kal and Aurora were carried away in cots. 

“We will discuss matters once he is released.” Saedii had stated bluntly. “He is injured.”

“He’s not that injured,” Tyler sighed. “I mean, he’s knocked up, but he’ll be right as rain in a week or two. Not even a broken bone.” He had nudged her shoulder gently. “He’s your brother, Saedii.”

She shook her head, a weight sinking in her chest. Tyler must have felt it, as he took her hand, concern in his eyes. Her skin was set ablaze by his touch, but she couldn’t ignore the subject at hand.

“He is closer to your brother than he is mine.”

Tyler sighed, not denying anything, but he squeezed her fingers with an attempt at comfort. “I get that, Saeds, but…just talk to him, at some point? Even if you don’t want to…I think he needs it. And you might, too.”

She gave him a hard side-eye. “I need nothing.”

“Sure you don’t, princess.”

He was behind one simple door, and the nurses themselves had told her that he was doing well, and ready for visitors.

The enemy spoke to her, to her mind.

Pathetic little girl.

Walk. In.

So with a deep breath, she turned the handle, storming into the bay with the authority of a military captain. Same way she walked into every room before this.

Kal was sitting up on his cot, head wrapped in bandages and braids undone, hair falling around his face. The other cot was empty, because Aurora was curled up in his arms, head resting on his chest and mouth drooling.

“How long has she been asleep?” Saedii asked, ignoring the light surprise in her brother's eyes as she sat down in the chair in between the two cots.

“A few minutes,” Kal responded, running his fingers through her hair, gazing down at her lovingly. “She is exhausted.”

“Understandable.”

A moment of uncomfortable silence passed, and Saedii gazed out the window. Stars pricked holes in the black blanket of the universe, but were outshone by the flashing lights of emergency ships, cleaning up the damage. Retrieving bodies.

“Saedii.”

“Kaliis.”

She heard him sigh, and turned her head slightly, just enough to meet his eyes. She hardly expected the emotion holding in that familiar, identical violet gaze. He didn't look like the young warrior he was. He looked like the young boy that would cry whenever he saw a dead bird.

She hated how much it made her chest ache.

“Saedii…,” Kal’s hands tightened slightly on the girl in his arms. “Will you stay? With Tyler, with me?”

She tried to raise her eyebrow in disapproval, despite knowing even her brother’s weak Waywalker abilities could likely feel how her heart beat a little louder at the idea. 

“Highly unlikely, and highly irrational.” She said, “What would be my purpose within these walls, or that of my crew?”

“What is your purpose outside? Father is dead.”

I am not, the enemy roared. I will never die, for as long as you live.

But he was. And Saedii was so, so torn, because while a soldier was nothing without a captain, and a child nothing without a parent, a captain means death if the cause is not worthy, and a parent is simply a haunting memory without love.

“I know that Tyler would appreciate having you near,” Kal continued. “And the Aurora military likely needs to have someone with the skills and experience as you do, now that Admiral Addams-”

“Why do you want me to stay so very badly, Kaliis?” Saedii snapped. “Do not lie to me, why do you long to know me, after so many broken ties?”

Kal was about to fight back, she could even see his mouth open, but his eyes quickly darted to Aurora, dozing on his chest. 

“I…,” Kal rarely stuttered, so he closed his eyes, turned away, and tried again. “I have seen Tyler and Scarlett, the way they love each other, compared to…us, and I want what we had to return. What we had when we were children, and…what mother would have wanted for us, I…,” 

He finally looked at her, tragic love shining in those violet eyes. 

“I long to be your brother again, Saedii.”

Oh, Kaliis.

Saedii was not the most delicate person, not even when she was a little girl. For most of her childhood, she would roll her eyes whenever Kal cried over a bug, and would happily crunch his nose with her fist. Would scoff if his shameful name was mentioned amongst her crew. 

But there were moments where she would hesitate before knocking him unconscious. How she sobbed into her pillow the night her mother and Kal left, leaving her alone with him. How badly she wanted him to see what she saw in the Unbroken after she found him, so that maybe, just maybe, they could rule side-by-side, the way they were born to.

And she didn't know what to pick.

But Tyler would want her to be honest. So would her mother.

“...I am not built to be a carer, Kaliis,” Why was her voice so raw? Where did that strength go? “I am built to destroy bonds, not to build them.”

Kal stared at her for a moment, before looking down to gaze at Aurora.

“I used to believe the same, before my Be’shmai,” he whispered. “Shame me all you want, but she taught me love, as did my squad. They are my family now, Saedii. I want you to be a part of it.”

“I can hardly spit on your bond,” she rolled her eyes. “Look at your Alpha and I, Kaliis.”

She said it with such an air of annoyance, of strategically dodging the question. But Kal, ever the poet, smiled slightly. 

“The two of you are beyond beautiful. And with Tyler already here, what is the problem?” That tiny smile faltered, his doubt seeping through Saedii's brain. “...Is it because of me? In which case, I acknowledge your emotions and I-”

“You are everything I will never be, Kaliis.” On Evaa’s soul, why did her eyes feel so tight? Disgusting. “You are not built to kill, you are built to love, and to sing, and to live quietly with the people you love, growing beside them. You are like her.”

She saw his eyes widen in some unknown emotion, and looked up at the roof to avoid his reaction. Saedii had finally understood why she didn't know how to walk into this room, why she couldn't look him in the eye without feeling strange. 

“You will always be of our mother's womb, and crafted with her heart, her soul. Meanwhile, everything I am is that of father. His words, his hands, his rage.”

A strange cold line fell down her face. 

“I do not want the children we were to grow into them. I do not want us to desperately hold on to an idea of love, only for his ghost to destroy it in the shape of our words, or fists. I don't want to look through Tyler's photos in ten years, and see young children with your eyes and Aurora's hair, and know I will never get to meet them.”

She finally looked at him. 

He was crying, tears in his eyes and falling down his cheeks. The same little boy she used to hug.

“My sister,” his hand left Aurora’s back, clasping her face, wiping his thumb over her cheek firmly. It was wet. Fuck.

“I could never hate you, Saedii,” he said. “I could never hate you the way I hate him, and he could never love the way you do. Father would never care this deeply. Father was a sun that burnt everything and everyone, and you are a sun that nurtures, that grows, that brings life. You are the sun father ruined, and now, oh Saedii, now you can be reborn.”

She didn't know what to say, what to do with the feelings in her mind.

Tears? You DISGUST ME. The enemy spat.

She ignored it.

Saedii clasped the hand on her cheek, squeezing it tight enough to break anyone else's bones.

“I will consider staying,” she said. “I cannot guarantee anything, not with my crew and not with my past. But Kaliis, you must promise me you will not let me become what he was. I already fear I am too close to that star.”

A fire was in her brother's gaze. “On mother's soul.”

“...Very well then,” Saedii said, straightening her back and placing Kal’s hand back on his cot. She lifted her jaw, back into her familiar role. “If not, I shall have no choice but to attach your jaw to your ankles, before eating your intestines with kitchen silverware

Kal laughed, his chest vibrating happily. Aurora stirred, opening her pale eye with a groan and absently wiping drool crust from her mouth.

“Good nap…good nap…,” she muttered, before stilling upon laying eyes on Saedii. “...oh hey there.”

“Go back to rest, strange girl.” Saedii said firmly. “I am not dealing with any antics caused by your lack of sleep.”

Auri nodded, eyes wide, before looking up at Kal, who was watching them. “...Have you been crying, love?”

“Do not fear, Be’shmai, it is not cause for concern.” He said gently, stroking her head. “Sleep, now. I apologize for waking you.”

She raised an eyebrow, but nodded again. “I'll try, but I'm not good at sleeping after waking up.”

“Do not lie, Aurora.”

“Legolas.”

Two minutes of silence passed, the siblings letting the young woman go back to a much-deserved rest. Indeed, she was snoring within that quick time.

“I will leave you and Be’shmai alone,” Saedii said teasingly, standing up with grace. “I was not lying when I stated she needed the slumber.”

“Would you like me to start calling Tyler Be’shmai, too?” Kal whispered as she walked to the door, mischief in his tone.

“I am considering getting a new Drakkan. Would you like to see how adequate its claws are?”

“Tyler and I have actually kissed before.”

“...That was not a joke?”

“Goodbye, Saedii.” Kal smiled.

“...Sleep well, Kaliis.”