Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I make my way past the freaking stupid lockers which look way too much like the ones from high school, hoping to God at some point I would shake off the sound of Brett's stupid jeering with his friends in the distance. 

I don't know how I continued to get into these situations even in college. But they seemed to follow me and stick to me despite trying to make better choices… 

I turned the corner, huffing and regretting my poor choice of clothing today. As usual, I had made the mistake of putting a hoodie on over a basic shirt and jeans, not realizing it was 90 degrees out and I would be running from a bunch of assholes who wanted to humiliate me. 

And then I saw him. 

That dickhead, standing there in front of an open classroom swiping on his phone absentmindedly while chewing a piece of gum, his smug arrogant grin constantly present on his dumb stupid handsome face. How could someone look so angelic when they were such an asshole? Even bodice-ripper authors would feel like green fucking eyes and curly blonde hair straight out of a Renaissance painting was overkill…

Normally I’d be pretty fucking scared to see him in public. His history of making fun of me and tripping me up in hallways wasn’t exactly what I would call “safe”, but it was definitely preferable to whatever those beef-headed dorks had planned for me…

But talking to him… and asking for help? It would require humbling myself. And developing a courage I had not successfully found at this point in my college career. 
But I swallowed my pill of shame and ran up to him, pushing him on the shoulder. 

He looked down at me in offense, his unfairly pretty green eyes already questioning my candidacy for even touching him. I felt my throat dry when, before he could open his mouth,  his eyes landed on the stupidly dorky cat paw print hoodie I was wearing today. 

I flinched when I heard him laugh under his breath. And suddenly his smug smile went wide, a brow raised at me in judgment. 

“I-I need your help… Please.” I said, trying to slow my breath and not look so pathetic and gross, feeling my face turn red by the minute while he looked down at me so freaking patronizingly… “I-Im being chased by these dudes- a-and they were carrying ducktape-“

He frowned at me, as if I was some sort of strange animal that had lifted itself off its own hindlegs and started to talk to him without reason. 

“Axel.” I whined, feeling myself lose every inch of dignity I had left as I did. “Please.” 

My ears were burning. I hated being in such… a position of need from him. I hated it. 

He ran a hand through pretty blonde hair, the color of golden soft wheat, his bicep flexing as he rolled his eyes at me and pushed the door behind him back. 

“Get in, nerd.” He said monotonously. 

I felt some primal part of me suddenly unclench as I darted into the class, and he slammed the door and locked it shut, pulling down the little sliding curtain over the window, and shutting the light off. 

Before I could say anything else, we heard the sound of men rounding the corner, screaming my name, loud as ever…
I was about to look at him in panic but he grabbed me by the wrist and suddenly sat down against the wall, throwing me down with him. 

I landed with a thud, and before I could tell him off for being a brute his big stupid hand was around my mouth, shutting me up and pushing my back up against his broad chest. And then, his big arms wrapped around my waist, trapping me in completely. 

“SOPHIEEEEE.” A deep voice bellowed, suddenly sounding clear and dark despite the barrier of the classroom doors. 

I heard the door bang three times. Three other men jeered but went quiet after a voice shushed them. 

I felt my heart about to beat out of my chest. Not only was I being held like this by one of my bullies, but the other was threatening me with total humiliation if he so much as broke down the door. 
And… despite myself my fear was mixing with a mortifying pleasure from being held so close to my harasser. 

I felt myself shiver, each bang causing me to flinch repeatedly, only to have his arms wrapped tighter. 

Then it was quiet. 

So so quiet…

With his big brute arms wrapped around my waist, squeezing me tight… his beautiful mouth releasing soft warm breath against my ear…

And I began to feel lightheaded… like my brain was losing its supply of oxygen… and I wanted to drown in his warmth and masculinity. 

I pushed out of his arms fiercely, my face on fire for multiple reasons, the heady high of being so close to him suddenly ripped away and leaving fierce embarrassment in its wake as I took in a breath of air. 

My senses returned to me, after a few huffs, though my face and ears still burned with the implication of what had happened. 

I looked at him after I had regained some composure, hoping to God he wouldn’t be judgy or weird at this point…

But he got up, already towering over me, so tall even at my height of 5’9 I had to fucking look up at him, and just stared at me, his amused smile suddenly returning, his silhouette imposing in the mild light coming from the hallway into the dark room. 

He looked… evil in a way I would reluctantly describe as sexy.

I felt butterflies go up in my tummy despite myself. I knew I was a social outcast and a nerd, so it made sense to me that I would feel this excited about some hot guy staring at me, I just hated that it was him that had this effect on me. 

“W-what?” I finally challenged, unwilling to back down from his lack of verbal acknowledgment at this point. 

“I think,” he said, his deep voice melodic and playful, filled with mockery in just a few words, the tone and pitch making my core light up on fire, “that you owe me, nerd.”

My throat dried. 

I knew what was about to happen. As usual… 

“W-what do you mean?” I trembled as I asked. I could never present myself confidently in front of him and I hated it. 

He smiled wickedly and stepped closer, his gaze still amused like I was some plaything. 
“I just saved your ass.” He said, poking his big finger into my chest. “That means you,” He said, getting closer again, smiling at how much I flinched as he pressed forward, “owe me, geek.”

Axel was… different than the dudes who usually harassed me. Taller than them and athletic, yet somehow finding time to do excellently in school… I didn’t understand how this kid still got A’s. 
He picked on me by calling me a dork, and making me do weird acts of service for him, like making me deliver money from him to people he owed it to or vice versa, or just physically harassing but not hurting me, like giving me noogies or pulling up my skirt in front of everyone… or that one time… 

He gave me a freaking wedgie in front of this one guy from chem class I was kind of into… I mean sure, no one else was there at the time, and the guy actually didn’t even see it because he was picking up his backpack, but I blushed so fucking hard that day and he wouldn’t stop laughing about how dorky my panties were for like a week after. Anytime he saw me he would point at me and tell his stupid buddies he was with how nerdy I looked. It was humiliating… but….

But Brett was so much worse. Verbally abusive, with a penchant for pushing kids around and beating them up, he was your typical sadistic sociopathic male bully. I had avoided him on campus for most of the year after a few freshmen had left one of his sessions with black eyes and empty wallets. Well... that's what the rumors said, at least. Admittedly I had never actually seen him do any of that stuff, but still!

If I had to bite down a bit of my pride to deal with Axel it was way more preferable to having to get duct-taped and thrown in the trash by Brett. 

So I pushed down every last ounce of self-respect I had, looked him straight in the eye even though I wanted to wince, and surrendered. 

“F-fine… j-just… whatever it is be gentle OK?” I said, swallowing my fear down even as I felt myself shaking. 

He just laughed, laughed and fucking laughed at how red I felt myself get already in anticipation. What would It be this time? Stripping me to my undies and making me walk to the dorms without clothes on? Having me serenade him in public while everyone watched? Hanging me on the freaking flagpole?

“Why was Brett chasing you?” He asked, raising a brow at me, leaning on a desk almost languidly. 

Well that was a story…

“I dont know! Well… that’s… a lie I suppose.  I mean I don't really know why from him directly, but my friends told me… He… he wanted to ask me out, I guess,  but he found out that I was trans and now he wants me to pay for it because men are all immature dickheads-“

“Wait… you’re trans?” He said incredulously, his green eyes looking me up and down like I was insane. 

I let out a huff of confusion, my expression betraying how ridiculous that question sounded at this point.
“Y-yea? Isn’t that why you’ve been bullying me all this time?” I said, nervously but firmly.
 
“What?” He frowned at me like I was a complete idiot. “No… I bully you because I think it's cute how you blush when I—-“ He stopped himself as if he was swallowing a marble, self-consciously looking away and brushing his hand behind his neck “I- I mean…” 

For the first time in my life, I saw a big masculine jocky dickhead who teased me relentlessly turn a bit red.

“Y-you… do you think I'm cute?” I couldn’t help but ask. 

His face turned redder than I ever would have thought possible for someone as arrogant as him. 
“Wh-whatever geek. You still owe me for saving your ass.” He said, shaking away the fluster that had built. 

And just like that I was back in the hotseat. 

“Turn around, and bend over.” He said, his gaze imperious. 

Immediately my face colored, my arms coming at my sides defensively. 

I opened my mouth to stall, but he just stepped even closer, as threatening as ever. 
“I said bend over, dork. Do it or I'll make you.”  He said sternly, his brows dropping low over his menacing eyes. 
So of course, because I have 0 backbone of my own, I gritted my teeth and bent over the damn desk, my ass on display for him cuz the tight jeans I was wearing hardly counted as modest , a sight that immediately made him start to laugh…

“T-take a picture, it’ll last you longer…” I quipped, knowing I wasn’t exactly in a position of power bent down like this.

I could see him roll his eyes at me through the reflection of the metal desk like I was just some petulant clueless kid. 

I was gonna tell him off, but suddenly a harsh slap made contact with my freaking ass. 

“NGH!” I squeaked, my ass already burning from him spanking me, shockwave sending electricity up my spine and through my whole body…

I looked behind myself in accusation at him, but he just rose a brow at me, his green eyes amused and cocky. 

“If you’re gonna act like such a smart ass, then I guess you can take the punishment of one too, can't you princess?” He said mockingly. 

I moved to get up, already enraged with his bullshit, but his big stupid palms pushed the small of my back against the table, so I couldn’t stand. 
And despite myself I couldn’t hold back the freaking moan that escaped me as he touched there, my back arching involuntarily, that small part of my back so sensitive it usually made me jolt whenever someone touched it…

I wanted to crawl in a hole and die as it was already… that only added to the amount of humiliation I was feeling as it was. He just laughed his stupid laugh as usual, which only added to the embarrassment…

And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse…

He reached into the back of my jeans, and with a chuckle, I felt him grab the waistband of my panties. 

I felt the world stop, all the blood in my body immediately rushing to my face and my… freaking dick…

I couldn’t believe this was about to happen right now.

“W-wait. P-please dont-MGH!”

I heard him chuckle, the fabric slightly pulled out from my jeans.

“Little white cotton panties… God princess you really are a pathetic nerd.” He said shamelessly, and I couldn’t help how my face burnt at the recognition his words were freaking true… 

And slowly, tortorously, with what I could feel were his studying eyes on the back of my neck and ears, he began to pull my white cotton panties up my back. 

I tried my hardest to hold back the moan I was about let out involuntarily, the tight press of my briefs against my hole making every nerve light on fire simultaneously. I hadn’t tucked either, and so nothing was holding me back from getting fucking hard from this…

But he tugged again, silent as ever, and a squeak escaped me, the firmness of my underwear taut against my hole and taint making me want to burst into a million flames, the humiliation of having my white undies exposed to him without any reserve only adding to my already furiously blushing face. 

“Are you liking this?” He asked incredulously, tugging again and laughing when I moaned involuntarily more. I didn't know why i was feeling it so much... something about the fabric pressing against my sensitive areas was making me weak, and the fact it was him doing it made it worse...

I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t open my mouth, couldn’t shake my head, couldn’t even look him in the eye as he pulled my panties tighter against me, and I keened again, letting out a soft whine. 
I heard his breath catch in his throat, his breath deepening suddenly. 

“Princess,” He asked again, his tone dark and threatening, and I felt stars erupt in my stomach from how good it felt to hear him call me that… “Do you like it when I bully you like this?” 
I tried to focus in on enough of the present and not the mortifying but arousing feeling of one of the hottest guys at my college grabbing my snow white panties and pulling them up my ass and fucking asking me if I liked it…

“I guess I could always just find out…” he mumbled, doing what at that moment had to have been my worst nightmare and fantasy. 

I felt my panties drag me up and suspend me above the desk, my back arched almost painfully, my face burning at the humiliation of having his strong arms pick me up like this-
But that wasn’t even the worst part…

Because before I could stop him, he had brought one big stupid hand right to my hardness…

And rubbed…

“W-wait, Axel NGH!!!”

My answering keen, and the way he tugged my panties even tighter, suspending me pathetically by my underwear, completely merciless in his treatment of me, meant I was totally screwed. 

“You DO like this…” he said, his voice surprised, but predatory and hungry. 

I wanted more than anything to just disappear. To evaporate. To turn into pure red mist and dissolve into the ether forever. 

But God had worse plans for me. 

“Say you fucking like it.” He said, still stroking me down, the feeling of his big warm hands and stupid handsome face staring down at me like this enough to bring me right to the edge as it was. “Say you like it when I do this to you.” 

My face burned, his brute arms finally beginning to let me down a little more gently onto the table, my face stuffed inside my arms. 

“Sophie.” He warned, wrenching my panties up threateningly. 
“I-I like it… when you bully me,” I whispered, hoping no one, not even God, would hear it. 

“What was that?” He said mockingly before he spanked me harshly and I jolted forward out of my arms. 

My face was so red, and any shred of dignity I had left was already decimated by his behavior, so I told myself there was no point in having shame…

My body didn’t seem to care though…

“I Like WhEN you BULLY ME!” I yelped, hating how pathetic and high-pitched my voice sounded coming out now. 

I felt myself suddenly get turned around on the desk and pinned back, my legs in the air while he was on top of me. 

I felt my throat go dry at his expression. 
he was… flushing, breathing heavily, his muscles tense, his gaze… hungry. Like really hungry.
 
“I'm gonna kiss you.” He said so matter of factly, so authoritatively, that I couldn’t help but feel myself involuntarily open my mouth to protest. 

But before I could he had slammed his warm, soft perfect lips onto mine, completely conquering my fucking mouth and destroying any pitiful attempts at deflection I had planned. 

I felt my face burn as my eyes squeezed shut, my crotch burn, my fucking hole burn, as his lips sealed mine, his tongue coming in and slowly, then surely, taking whatever they wanted, like he was trying to eat me. 

My mind blanched as I felt his hard long boner press up against my ass through his pants, his tense abs pushed up against me and grinding himself against my poor trapped dick, my legs up against my sides… 

His kiss was so sweet and addictive, as bullying as it was… my body swooned from the intensity of it, the weird mixture of gentleness and desire and sadism all packed into one interaction. 
And I was starting to realize I wasn’t breathing. 

And things were starting to get dark. 

He pulled back from me with a pop, his lips sinfully red and bitten, his breaths still heaving and satisfied. 

I felt myself gasp for her as I choked on my own spit and coughed pathetically for air, his stupid beauty making me overwhelmed and twitchy…

“Getting all worked up princess?” He asked mischievously, his sexy voice was only made all the more hard on my body by its lack of control. 

“Y-you seem to… to be feeling the same way.” I quipped back, trying to push back on his dick again. 

He looked at me with a twitch in his eye before I ground down, his beautiful angelic face turning redder and more disheveled, his blonde brows cutely frowning from the intensity of it. 
But it backfired on me, because feeling his thick cock press up against my ass, feeling the implication of having that thing inside me, immediately made something in me go loose and weak, all the muscles in my body suddenly ceasing to work. 

I felt my dick twitch when he grinded against me particularly hard, and evidently so did he… 

He stopped for a moment and just smiled in that patronizing “im always on top of you” kinda way that infuriated you because it made you ridiculously horny and endeared to someone who was a total prick. 

He looked down at my jeans, and what they were confining. 
“These are coming off.” He said, matter of factly, hypnotized by the prospect of seeing me without them. 

Before I could even get a word in my pants were unbuttoned and slid down my thighs. I expected him to take my panties off too, but at the sight of them and the lacy detailing he just laughed and said I was keeping them on. 

I looked away in embarrassment at how exposed I was, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of having this on me. 

But he just stared… in awe of my body. 

“Fuck…” he said, with bated breath, his eyes traveling to my ample soft thighs, to my hard wet dick still stuck in my stupid panties, his eyes freezing there as I could see how his throat bobbed. “Fuck you’re so beautiful…” 

He looked hypnotized by my legs, kissing down my calf as he raised it up to a shoulder. Soft kisses were rained down the inner part of my thigh, and I bit down on my hoodie sleeve to avoid making a single noise. 

I felt another hand slide into my hoodie, squeezing my waist like it was puny with his stupid bear paws, firmly brushing up until he reached my round full breasts, squeezing a nipple while he kissed precariously close to my crotch, his love bites getting more intense and making me more sensitive. 

I instinctually closed my legs when, after he took a greedy handful of my breasts, I felt his warm lips kiss the tip of my dick through the fabric, the feeling of his face so close to my cock immediately making me harder.

But he just fucking forced my legs back down, splaying me out and showing him everything…

My hard dick… my bitten-up thighs… my dumb hole that was more sensitive than usual…

And he sucked at me, his beautiful eyes looking up at me like I was the most amusing thing in the world, licking my head through the fabric and making his way down to my taint. 
I whined at him when he made eye contact with me, his pretty green eyes like a tiger in the wild…

He kissed down and down my body, until eventually he reached my hole…

And once again, he spun me around, pushing my back down on the desk and forcing me to arch my back and ass up against him, even though he was rock hard now. 
This position was so fucking vulnerable. 

I saw him look down at me through the reflection of the desk, his eyes hypnotized as he took greedy handfuls of my ass. 

“You’ve always had such a nice ass, geek.” He said, both mockingly and reverentially at the same time, spanking me again for good measure. “It looks so good with your tight little cotton panties… makes me want to bounce you more… hahahaha…” 

“B-bully!” I meant to mumble, but it came out more like a pleading moan when he grabbed my panties and pulled them up me again as I said it. 
He just laughed, and I shut up… there was no point in digging my humiliation deeper now. 

I felt him bounce me a few times, as he rubbed his cock up against my tight hole, and I found my lecherous mind wishing that he would just take his damn pants off and put his dick on the line for once…

And then I jolted and felt something wet come into contact with my hole, something slimy and gross feeling at first, but warm and erotic. I looked behind me in fear but saw his greedy little handsome face right above my butt, only the top of it visible from my position, looking as pleased as a kid in a candy store. 

I turned and tried to tell myself that this wasn’t turning me on. That being manhandled and ate out by my bully was not a source of erotic interest for me, and that I was normal… 
But when I dared a second look, and I felt myself pitch back accidentally onto his tongue as he pulled me up by my panties again, and I saw how his strong arms held me up like I was nothing, his brows concentrated, his tongue wet and unyielding as it pressed into my hole over and over and over and over-

Before I could stop myself I was rubbing against the metal of the desk from the front… and when that wasn’t enough, I reached a hand down to add to it, but before I could, his strong hand reached over and stopped me. 

“Did I say you could touch yourself?” He said sternly. I felt my dick twitch at the tone he was using, my brain flushing with illogical irrationally pleasurable hormones as I tried to come up with some pathetic excuse or retort. 

Why did him using me like this turn me on so much… why was him taking ownership of my body like this and telling me what I could and couldn’t do so fucking sexy… 

He pinned a hand to my back, and I felt my poor neglected dick weep more into my panties as he continued to violate my hole with his tongue without any sense of reserve or remorse. One hand snaked away from my back, trusting me to just obey him like some pathetic sub, and reached up my hoodie again from the back, pinching my nipples again harshly.

“F-fuCk, NGH, Shit… nnnn, OH fuck…. FUCK FUCK!” I couldn’t help but whine out loud, the sounds sounding so much unlike me, so fucking crazy I couldn’t believe they were escaping my lips, white-hot pleasure from his tongue and hands, and the neglect of my cock making the area burn and burn as I realized he could practically do whatever the fuck he wanted to me, that I was his nerd bitch property, that I belonged to him and he could use me like a toy and- 

And- 
AND-
“Im gonna! Im gonna-“

I felt my world slow to a stop, my orgasm stolen from me right at the edge, his tongue receding, his hands taken away from my nipples, his laughter cruel, as I turned in desperation and saw him begin to get up, running his hands through his blonde hair, his smile wide and mocking. 

“I don't know if you deserve to cum, dork. I think I wanna rile you up so bad you're begging me for the privilege to cum.” He said wickedly, spanking my ass again.

And I fucking sobbed. 

I actually sobbed… 

I couldn’t believe myself. My cheeks burned as tears strewn down them, the overwhelming nature of getting so close to bliss just to have it wrenched out of my hands so quickly, the humiliating thoughts that had gotten me so close to cumming… 

I hated how pathetic I looked right now. I knew in that moment he planned to just leave me like this, right on the edge, with no relief whatsoever, and that I would have to go home, stiff and hot and bothered, while he laughed it all off later with his buddies.

“You look so cute like this princess…” he mumbled darkly, feeling up my ass while tugging my panties again. “Cute little legs trembling… white panties all soaked… your poor little wet dick trapped inside of them… and your little cute hole all wet and swollen.” 
I looked back at him with as much of an accusatory guilt-encouraging stare as I could, still unable to get up. 

It didn’t work though. He just got even more pleased, his face flushing even as his smile widened. 

“You're so fucking adorable.” He said so candidly, so patronizingly, that I let out an involuntary whine. “What's wrong?” He mocked, his big warm hands taking handfuls of my butt, his index finger teasing my hole. “Is my little girl mad I didn’t let her cum? Is she mad at her big mean daddy bully who made her into a sensitive little wreck because he won't let her have her way?” 

My face burned from being spoken to that way, and I immediately turned away to avoid having to look at his beautiful face eyeing me up like I was so simple and easy. 

I was still trying to calm myself down when I felt his hand come into contact again with my hole. 

And I flinched. 

“Relax princess.” He whispered, coming closer, rubbing his hands underneath my hoodie again. 

Before I could tell him off, a finger had slipped inside. 

Any of the warmth that had previously drained immediately returned, with a force so strong I was seeing stars as he curled his fingers inside me. I felt myself tighten over him harshly, heard him curse under his breath from the feeling of me closing my walls around his fingers. 

“T-tight…” he muttered absentmindedly, and I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, as he pushed another finger in, the pain and pleasure mixing together and leaving me hopelessly wrecked in front of him, my head thrown back as I let out a loud moan. 

He was pressing against it like he was mad at it or something, my prostate getting obliterated already by his fingers, my hips beginning to grind of their own volition onto his palm.
“Please… PLEASe, FUCK AXEL!” I moaned and practically yelled, my voice just doing whatever it wanted at this point. “F-fuck your so hot… you’re so fucking hot and cool…” 
 
I couldn’t stop the cheap quick begs I let out, my mouth suddenly speaking out every private thought I had left and wanted to keep private. But I couldn’t stop it… a 6’5 handsome stud was fingering me open and milking me for every drop of pleasure and humiliation I had, my head filled up with a buzzing vibration that wouldn’t go away no matter how much I tried to control it. 
“I found your “nice to me” button.” He giggled, pressing it again and just laughing more at how my moan got higher pitched and higher pitched. 

I got embarrassingly close again, grinding down on his fingers, feeling tears run down my eyes in desperation of the orgasm I had already been denied. All my muscles tensed, the lewd sound of his slick fingers running into me over and over making everything in my rational brain turn off as I was
 So close-
So close!

But once again, right as I was about to fall off the edge of that blissful peak, he stopped me.

This time I almost yelled at him, my entire body quaking, every cell in my body about to erupt with the agony of denied release, my tummy burning and my cock leaking through the font of my panties, my nipples erect and sensitive and on total edge… I was so upset I couldn’t even hear his pants unzipping. 

Until. 

Before I could even say a goddamn word. I felt a hard wet tip press against my wet hole. 

My eyes widened even as teary as they were. 

He smiled wickedly down at me, his face almost a little flushed, his eyes demonic and consuming…

And with a grunt, he pushed his stupidly big dick inside me. 

Everything suddenly went white. I literally lost my mind. Like fucking lost it. 

Like… I didn’t even remember who I was for at least 10 seconds after. My brain was annihilated by filthy white hot pure laser precision pleasure that shot through my hole right through to every nerve in my body. 

I felt globs of cum erupt from my dick in ecstasy as I squirted right through into my panties, my hole tightening like a vice around his thick painful cock, the most pleasurable orgasm only made even more powerful by the pain and fullness of his cock stuffed into me. 

I couldn’t even care at that point about holding back any moans. I just fucking let a geeked-out cracked high-pitched bitch moan, completely letting everyone within a five-mile radius know I was getting fucked into oblivion. 

When I came back to the present world, his heavy breathing was huffing in my ear, though he remained still inside me. 

I tried to feebly move my limbs to climb away but nothing worked. I was fucked and trapped under him while he ground into my ass again. 

I cried. I cried so hard I thought I was turning into a waterspout while he thrust into me. 

The pain and pleasure mixed with one another rendered me totally useless. He just laughed at my rag doll state, fucking into me with ecstasy lighting up his eyes, drool bouncing from my mouth as he plugged me again and again and again. 

I felt him pick me up suddenly, removing my hoodie and the flimsy shirt I wore underneath it, as he sat down in the chair at the teacher's desk, and promptly dropped me onto his cock, bouncing on his lap. 

His handsome face, his tight abs now revealed as he had taken off his shirt when I didn’t notice, the way his beautiful skin flushed red and made the already gorgeously handsome exterior even more endearing, his jaw clenched while he slid in again. 

He got a mischievous little smile and I whimpered in a plea I knew wouldn’t work, but I was too weak to stop him as he dragged up the back of my fucking panties and used them to bounce me on his fucking dick… up and down, like a freaking bunny rabbit, my panties used to control me completely…

“Such a good little slut…” he mocked, his voice wrecked and gravelly but still authoritative. “Cumming just from me sticking in my cock from you? And I didn’t even have to touch your pathetic tiny dick. HMMM right princess?” I whined in protest, but I could only pathetically clutch onto his shoulders for the ride, digging my humiliated face into his beautiful neck, taking in the manly smell of him. “Ah ah ah,” He scolded, pulling my face back out so he could watch while he continued to bounce me and abuse my hole. 

“God your such a cock hungry nerd slave. Taking my rod like its your fucking job-“ he squeezed my waist tight and used it as leverage to slam me harder onto him. “By the end of this year… fuck, FUCK… by the end of this year,” He threatened his green eyes boring holes into me, “your gonna be my personal cocksleeve, taking whatever I give you, doing my homework, getting me my money, and opening up your little slut hole for free use.” 

I whined in response in embarrassment at the thought, squeezing my eyes shut, drool falling from my lips involuntarily.  

“Awwww… my poor sweet little innocent soft girl, getting bounced over and over by her panties on my cock…” He said lustfully. “God you feel so fucking good, princess. Your tight little hole is so greedy it cant get enough of me.” 
he leaned in again, his green eyes threatening, his tone serious and unavoidable. “Im gonna fuck you so hard you get pregnant. Im gonna cum inside you so fucking hard your gonna have all my babies…”

I didn’t know what to say… I couldn’t even speak… my brain had turned off, and belonged to him completely. Him threatening to breed me was the least of my concerns. My brains mortifying response couldn’t get enough of the idea of him fucking me into pregnancy, making the impossible possible just because he knew how to sling his cock inside me…

He looked so beautiful, even while mocking me, that it hurt. I wanted to kiss his pretty pink lips again, have him eat me and consume me whole with them…

His green eyes caught my stares, and he smiled blissfully. 

"Cum for me, princess." He said, so reverently it made my heart and hole hurt, still thrusting into me before closing his lips over mine. 

And I knew then I had no choice, he demanded it, so I would have to listen...

And I felt the world suddenly collapse as his tongue connected with me.

For what could have been hours, seconds, or minutes, I felt the entire universe suddenly cave in on the feeling of pleasure in my tight ass, his cock abusing my prostate so meanly, every nerve cell in my body filling with hot liquid fire and ecstasy and light. I felt myself tighten harshly, every muscle suddenly going tense as I jerked in his lap, filling my already-soaked panties with more of my cum…
I heard his sweet moaning in the distance, his deep groans as he thrust even harder into me and made it much worse… the feeling of his large dick twitching inside of me, filling my hole up with cum I knew it would take ages to clean out, marking me like his bitch… He whispered sweet nothings as he came… calling me his good girl, brushing my hair as I came down from the high, kissing my cheeks and forehead, and rubbing me softly through my loss of self…

When I finally came too, I awoke in his tight arms, his heavy breathing and sweaty body suddenly making me self-conscious. 

I pulled away and realized he was still inside me. He pulled back from my neck, with a wince, and my God… he looked absolutely wrecked. His pretty pink lips were all swollen, his face redder than a tomato, his brows tight, his pretty eyes a little watery…

He bit his lip when he looked at me, and I knew I must be a total mess too. He pulled me in for another soft, sweet kiss, this one cherishing and so kind it made my body hurt and ache in the best way possible. I wanted to melt into him completely… I couldn’t understand why I liked him so much, but I did.
I did. 
And I was fucked…

Chapter Text

I had always been a more studious kind of girl. I prided myself on my schoolwork as a testament to what was possible for me. Trans women often became sex workers before working professionals because of the state of the world, and I wanted to ensure I was an exception to that possibility.

But as usual… things got in the way as they always did. And one thing in particular was tall with broad shoulders and beautiful blonde hair, sporting a smile that could make a girl’s knees give out while he laughed and jeered with his friends in the hall where my locker was located…

I rushed to my locker, hoping I wouldn’t catch his eye in the brief interim I had in that long hallway. My heart threatened to beat out of my chest at this point, and my hands were shaking like no tomorrow…

It had been a few days since our… incident. We had both gone home quietly after the turn of events, neither sharing a word, the awkwardness of processing what had happened too much for either party to accept in the moment. I had no clue what to make of the turn of events… how hot it felt being used like that… how loving his eyes looked in the moment too…

But, damn my constantly turning anxious mind, I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened either, even as my fingers shook while I placed her books away… the way he kissed me so softly, one second warm and sweet only to be followed by a punishing roughness… the way he so easily pushed me around and picked me up… the way… he bounced me by my panties onto his cock…

FUCK. I thought as I slammed my locker door shut in frustration.

And I realized promptly how that was a mistake.

Because as I froze, hoping that my silence and stillness would ward him off like it would any other lazy-minded predator, I heard his stupid beautiful melodic deep voice chuckle from the far corner, a dismissal of his friends who just laughed and snickered before walking away, leaving me alone with him in the hallway.

“Hi, princess.” I heard his deep voice bellow behind me.

I let out a huff of air, before turning around promptly, only looking at his shoes.

“H-hi Axel, w-whats up?” I stammered pathetically, already knowing that I was in for it with him.

I took the chance to look up, which was a mistake, because he looked down at me with his usual beautiful mean grin, a brow raised at me like I was just the most amusing thing in the world. My eyes shot back to the floor, my cheeks burning already at how unnerved I was around him.

“Why so nervous geek?” He asked mischievously, of course using the opportunity to of course make it even harder for me by grabbing my chin and forcing me to look him in the eye. It was so humiliating how I had to get on my tip toes to meet his eye level… “You afraid I might do something evil to you?

God it was too fucking much. I wanted to explode then and there. It was like all of the events of the days prior had rushed back to me in a single moment of intense need, his green eyes boring holes into my defenses and revealing the desire I had pent up there.

“F-fear is a funny word to describe how I’m feeling right now…” I muttered, trying to look past him but failing immensely.

He rolled his beautiful eyes at me, still holding me up by the chin.

“Always the semantics with you nerds.” He said, so cooly and easily like this was a walk in the park for him. “And then you wonder why we want to shove you guys into lockers?”

I felt something in my core light up with fire, even as much as it mortified me to realize that I liked how he was talking to me right now…

I was going to respond snarkily, but thought better of it and kept my lips closed, trying to pull my chin away roughly.

He didn’t seem to like that very much, because in the next moment I felt myself get slammed against the metal of my locker, his gorgeous threatening face just inches from mine, a knee driving between my legs and forcing me in place, a humiliating squeak escaping me at the contact as I felt my knees give out pathetically.

I felt my face redden at both the proximity and the character of the situation… I couldn’t believe him bullying me like this was actually turning me on.

“If you think I’ve forgotten our little escapade…” he said, making unflinching eye contact, that warmth of him so close to me making my body suddenly forget what it meant to be a respectable human being, “You’re sorely mistaken.”

I swallowed as much nerve as I could to retort. I wouldn’t let myself be thrown around by him all the time.

“I… I didn’t think you h-had forgotten…” I tried to say sternly, though it really only came out pathetically with how much my voice cracked. “B-but… I don't… what happened between us was too… I don't-“

He just kept looking at me, infuriatingly amused by how I couldn’t seem to collect my thoughts around him. He just laughed, and my mouth shut as I grit my teeth in frustration, my face reddening more than it already had in embarrassment.

“You’re so cute when you get all overwhelmed princess.” He drawled, his tone a mixture of mockery and affection that made my core light up in embarrassed arousal.

“Im not… im not cute…” I muttered, knowing I sounded pathetic even as I did. I hated how much his patronizing made my brain feel useless...

He scoffed at me, rubbing the tip of my sensitive ear almost affectionately.

“Listen.” He said, sternly, drawing away, letting his knee drop, but still holding threateningly close. “Clear your plans for the weekend. Were gonna hit up this party together ok? Ill drive you.”
I felt myself freeze. Being at a party did not sound like something that was at the top of my list of priorities at the moment… and the idea of so many people staring so openly at me with him… And a frat party was the last place I wanted to be after recent events with Brett...

“A party?” Was all I could muster out nervously. “N-not a frat party right?”

His smile dissipated for a second, and he suddenly looked concerned.

“No. Of course not. I would never put you in that situation again.” He said sternly.

I felt a tense part of me suddenly relax as my body went warm. Something about him saying it like that... made me feel funny. 
It was… truly so bizarre how a person could make you feel like you're prey being hunted, but also somehow feel like the safest person in the room at any given time…

“Well… it is a frat party. But not like a frat-frat party with those losers from Delta-sci. It's a music frat. They are gonna have live music. It's more artsy. Full of weirdos like you.” He said casually, smiling at his quip as he poked me in the chest patronizingly.

I rolled my eyes even as I felt my cheeks heat a little.

“Sh-shut up,” I said, shaking my head. I considered it for a moment. I hadn’t been to a real college party yet despite it being two years since I started at the university… it couldn't hurt to try it out would it? And even though I could be certain Axel would be teasing me relentlessly, I also knew that meant no one else would be judging me super harshly because I would be with him…

And, a very small part of me liked the idea of getting the chance to spend more time with him…

But still, I had to wonder…

“Why though? Why me?” I couldn’t help but ask, genuinely curious. “I mean, I know you like messing with me and stuff but like- wouldn’t you rather ask a different girl? Someone who’s better arm candy?”

He froze for a moment on a frown, before… blushing again. Axel. Blushing. My brain felt like it was breaking into a million pieces.

He shook his head, looking at me with a sigh.

“You can be really… naive sometimes.” He said, rubbing his face as if he was affectionately exhausted with my antics. “Look. I'm asking you because I want you. Isn’t that enough reasoning?” He said, his face almost… pleading. As though he was frustrated with me not getting something. I couldn’t tell you what, but he seemed pretty flustered by it…

I considered it… if he had no ulterior motives, what was the harm?

“Fine!” I finally bleated out. God, I could be such a dork sometimes… “Fine. I'll go with you.”

He smiled wickedly, and the sight of it made my knees feel even weaker. “Good girl.”

I chose to ignore how him saying that made me want to melt into the ground, how it felt like whiplash against my poor little innocent brain, how I immediately wanted him to praise me and pet me and tell me I was so good for him-

I felt his stupid big palm suddenly touch the top of my head, ruffling my hair affectionately and messing it up.

“See you at 9 on the dot, princess.” He said cooly, kissing me on the forehead quickly, and just like that, he was gone.

And I was left with the feeling of a burn shaped like Axel's lips warming my forehead, wondering what the fuck I had just gotten myself into…

Chapter Text

I was drinking with my buddies at the door letting people in when a car pulled up around the corner.

I felt giddy and excited as I took a thick swig of the Jungle Juice that had been crudely made from gallons of Hi-C, Kool-Aid, and Bacardi. (Despite the disgusting sound of it, you would be surprised to know you could barely taste the alcohol. I suppose in that moment all I could taste was juice)

I smiled at my buddy widely, hungry for the night as the car door on the street opened, and we saw a slender leg escape the interior, adorned by a gorgeous, slim pair of heels.

And out walked one of the most beautiful, if not the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

A gorgeous light brunette girl with pretty brown waves falling down her tone shoulders effortlessly, a small, leave-nothing-to-the-imagination- leather top hugging her impossibly tiny waist and small round tits and making them look even more decadently beautiful than they normally did in her usual plain wear, and to top it all off, the shortest fucking skirt I had ever seen in my god damn LIFE, barely reaching the tops of her thighs, and yet still somehow a fucking slit cut into the right leg-

I lost control of my hands as my drink dropped.

And I cursed under my breath softly when I realized who was standing there.

Sophie.

Sophie.

FUCKING SOPHIE.

She looked around in curiosity and shyness, suddenly wrapping her arms defensively around herself as she looked closer to the house, unsure, before she began to walk towards it.

The guys immediately started leering, raising their brows at one another knowingly, before the guy next to me started wolf whistling obnoxiously. Some brown haired frat dude I didn’t know started to laugh and call out with them.

“Hey there, sweetheart, look at you!” He said perversely, biting his lips grotesquely. “Wanna come give Papi some love?”

Soon, the other guys joined in the mocking assault, calling out, wolf-whistling, throwing little compliments at her.

I paled as I saw Sophie suddenly stop in place, looking like she wanted to retreat desperately, looking behind her and to her sides as though she were terrified, her face turning a few shades redder, noticeable from even this distance. I felt something dark and angry take hold of me, something curdlingly territorial.

“C’mon don't be scared princess we’ll take care of you-“ the brown haired dickhead leered-

“Shut the FUCK up.” I snapped darkly at him, feigning at the douche, who suddenly startled at me and had the sense to keep his mouth shut and not ask why. He looked up at me, confused, but definitely too weak to protest it.

Soon the other guys caught on, and it went silent.

I cursed under my breath, pushing off the doorway and walking over to her, trying to get rid of the dark frown I felt overcome me, watching the poor thing standing there like a deer caught in headlights, not wanting to scare her. I had to compose myself as I skulked over and remind myself that I couldn’t just drag her to the nearest car and fuck her right then and there, even if she was dressed in a way that made it even harder for me to hold back every step I got nearer.

I dont know why the fuck I felt so angry though…

Her eyes darted everywhere, her hands coming defensively in front of her, and as she saw me inch even closer, her head turned away, refusing to meet my eyes.

“Hi.” I said darkly, pissed but completely fucking unsure why. She was a little taller than usual in her heels, but I still had to look down at her.

I saw her delicate, unfairly exposed neck strain with a swallow, her gentle head still craned down.

“Hey.” She said softly.

I felt something in my jaw clench as I looked down at her legs… her beautiful, long, graceful fucking exposed legs and that tiny fucking leather skirt…

My stomach tightened, my composure hanging by a thread.

Who the fuck told her she could dress like that? Who the fuck told her she was allowed to show off her body like this? Was it me? Was I the fuckhead that said this was OK? It couldn't be her deciding it, because the Sophie I knew would never be caught in a million years wearing this shit even in an abandoned public park, let alone a fucking frat party.

Listen to me… for fucks sake I was being a dick and I knew it. But… she made me lose my sense of composure. I knew it was toxic but for fucks sake if you could have seen that skirt on her you would be losing your mind…

“Cute little getup, you got there,” I hissed out, trying to sound courteous and gentle, not wanting to scare her off. I made her come to this after all…

She blushed suddenly, her arms coming to wrap around herself defensively again, her expression even more avoidant than before.

“Thanks…” she practically whispered, before her eyes traveled over my clothes. “Yours… looks nice too.”

I tried to fight back the sudden surge of pride that wanted to escape me in that moment, the bizarre elation at such a stupid compliment, even if I knew it was sincere. I tried to remind myself that wearing a tight black shirt and some ripped jeans and a spare few silver necklaces was not exactly on par with her little getup, that it was nothing to be proud of, but my heart refused to listen. The leather jacket I wore suddenly felt too hot, my clothes way too tight…

Damn fucking jungle juice…

She finally looked up at me, her face still a bit flush, her expression so delicately fucking shy it almost got me hard, her gorgeous hazel eyes enhanced by this really pretty smudgy black eyeliner she wore, her pretty pink lips left mostly unadorned save from some shiny stuff I couldnt remember the name of, two little ball bearings shining from the arch of her brow. She looked so… prettyyyyy….

“You…” I softly slurred, suddenly feeling my face go hot. “You have an eyebrow piercing?”

I couldn’t believe how pathetic I was acting…

She giggled, pulling her shoulders in self-consciously, looking away quickly. “Nah. It's fake. My roommate glued them on for me.” She paused, suddenly straightening her back and motioning to herself. “That's where… the rest of this comes from too. I thought you might like it.”

I fake coughed, trying to recover my composure, and hide the way my face felt like it was quickly reddening.

Sophie was supposed to be a fucking nerd… not a sexy alt chick. A fucking nerd. And yet here she was… dressed up like she was made to be eaten, like she even had the experience to back up this kind of style…

The duality of her… the fact she could look so hot doing both… being a total dork and yet being able to dress like a bad girl, was weirdly turning me the fuck on and I needed to get it together before I lost my mind.

I shook off my jacket despite the cold, and tossed it around her shoulders quickly.

She gasped but giggled and accepted it, as I held out my hand, not looking at her cuz I wanted to hide my stupid pink face from view, hoping she would just take it and spare me having to speak right now.

Soon I felt her long, delicate fingers enclose themselves around mine, and I chose not to acknowledge how even that seemed to be doing something for me at the moment…

I dragged her along with me, trying my hardest to ignore the subtle jeering faces of my stupid friends and the dumbass frat brothers along them with their stupid knowing smirks and raised brows-

I pushed in, heading straight to the jungle juice to replace the one I had lost to the sight of her.

Tonight was going to be… long.

——

If you had asked me a week ago if I could have pictured myself walking hand in hand with Axel, his tall, almost shyer than usual bent over tall form skulking along with me towards a gigantic vat of jungle juice in a packed house party, my ass barely covered by a leather skirt the size of a fucking belt, a top tinier than it should be legal for tops to be, my poor feet on tip toe because of the stupid torture devices they called heels constricting my blood flow but making me feel sexy…

I would have literally slapped you.

I would have asked if you had recently had a bad batch of peyote, and for some reason, you thought it was wise to actually listen to whatever those insane, archaic plant spirits told you when it should be obvious that a girl like me would never be in this situation.

I couldn't fucking believe what was happening to me.

The first five minutes I was there, I honestly couldn’t even recall, even as they occurred. I just remembered Axel's pink ears as he poured me out a cup of this red liquid that smelled like flavored hand sanitizer and tasted like it, too. And the way he held my waist super tight to him as he did, for some reason, not meeting my eyes even as he handed me the drink, dragging me outside.

The next five minutes, all I remember is a warm, fun feeling over come me, as people started to approach Axel in droves, big muscly guy friends who’s eyes lingered on my legs for a while as they approached, which made Axel seethe and which never failed to turn me the fuck on, hot guys with their girlfriends who always smiled at me warmly and courteously, average guys who would say nothing to me and their gorgeous girlfriends who’s brows would raise in delight while they smiled at me and complemented me with so much enthusiasm it made me feel fuzzy but appreciated, even a few goth girls, who I would otherwise be scared of if it weren’t for my roommate and the fact the two girls, dressed in full goth get up (im talking real goth, not alt), ripped tights and gauzy clothes with leather accessories, actually approached me in excitement and barely spared a glance at Åxel.

I felt… warm, and sexy, and good, and so so fucking happy that I was here.

Which was weird, because well… I kind of hate being in public, and I really hate going to parties, but for some reason now I just felt so open and free…

Cuz you see, normally every compliment I'd get I would somehow turn into a negative.

A courteous smile becomes a self-congratulatory smile-to-the-trans-girl-so-she-feels-better kinda smile, a sudden offer of excitement and a complement on top of it became an overenthusiastic lauding of something like a cis woman raving over a drag queen and not another girl like herself. The guy's leering stares were out of mocking confusion and not genuine sexual attraction-

But in that moment.

I just didn’t give a fuck anymore.

It felt good. And somehow, I knew that voice in the back of my head was full of shit.

And all I could notice was how good Axel's big hand felt pressed tightly against my waist, his arms wrapped around it, keeping me almost trapped beside him, his gorgeous, thick biceps and chest so warm against the side of my cheek…

I felt good.

And I wanted to dance.

——

Im not sure what the fuck was happening.

The girl I knew as an absolute shy little geek for the past year or so was practically glowing.

She hadnt even noticed me staring at her in shock while we were getting harassed by all those drunk douchebags who for some reason felt the need to personally greet me all of the sudden, which never normally happened… staring at how she had suddenly developed the most effervescent, sweet kind bubbly personality as she was accosted by women who fawned over her.

Was she like this with women usually? Or was the alcohol just getting to me…

The men were looking at her too much… their hungry eyes traveling to her waist, her hips, her chest… My eyes couldn’t help but follow theirs even as they muttered pointless words to me. My stomach felt tight, my shoulders full of a tension I couldn’t place…

I felt so… so fucking aggravated.

And I don’t know why, so don’t fucking ask me!

All I needed to know in that moment was what the bottom of a red solo cup looked like.

And I took one fat gulp.

It didn't look pretty. I figured as much.

I moved to to get some more, but a pair of slender hands squeezed my waist, making me fucking squeak, and pulled me over.

I looked down at her in shock, my face burning as she wrapped herself around me tightly, nuzzling into my pecs.

“You feel so gooooddd…” She practically moaned into my chest, and I felt my blood pressure rise, her stupidly hot body pressed tight against me.

“You’re heartbeat's getting really fast…” she mumbled slowly, and then looked up at me from her chins perch against my sternum, a mischievous grin on her perfect face. “Is it cuz I’m scarin’ you Axel?”

I felt my face burn at the recognition, at being caught so easily, and I knew if my heart wasn’t already racing enough, now it was bound to get worse with those adorable, sexy eyes placed on me. I was dangerously close to getting hard from this. From just fucking having her touch me and look at me… I felt so fucking… pathetic…

“N-no…” I mumbled, and I hated how meek I sounded. How the fuck was this dork getting this much of a hold over me?

Why the fuck was I doing letting this take so much control over me? I don’t let people have this effect on me. My entire life, I have been the one in control in these sorts of situations… I felt a rush of something heady and warm take over my head, forgetting myself for a moment…

I felt fucking angry, and like everything on my body was too tight, my skin, my muscles, my neck… all I could remember was leering eyes staring at her legs, my stupid ass friends wolf whistles and cat calls, the way everyone kept looking at her, taking in her beauty, her radiance, their faces greedy and almost needy to me…

How sexy she looked… how cool she looked… why did I want to rob her from the world and keep her out of view? Why did I want to fucking trap her in a corner and keep her to my fucking self… I wanted my shy, isolated little nerd back, with her dumb dorky childish hoodies hiding her body, her meek avoidant gaze, I wanted her back where no one would ever find her but myself-

I didn’t like this feeling. It felt slimy. Gross.

Possessive.

And I didn’t like that shit. I didn’t like it one bit.

I had to get out of feeling like this…

Immediately.

——

Axels man boobs felt so good… he would probably hate hearing me describe them that way outloud… but they were man boobs, but in a plushy muscly way. It felt soooo sexy and comforting at the same time. I loved leaning all my weight onto him, his warm strong body.

And hearing his heart race was so cute. So fucking cute. I could tell it was me, and I felt like teasing him for once, if only because he was being so damn docile.

I didn't expect him to full-on blush to the roots of his unfairly perfect blonde hair, his gorgeous sexy green eyes widening like I had just exposed something intimate, his pink lips looking so soft and kissable…

But curiously, a frown creased the perfect valley between his brows, a look of frustration.

I tilted my head at the grace of the Greek statue before me, cracking and showing so much emotion; it never occurred to me that their beauty would be sustained even when making unpleasant expressions, but… somehow, Axel managed to look beautiful even when he was angry.

Why was he angry? My stirred mind thought, perhaps a few seconds too late. I was busy admiring him still… his beauty and casual grace, how cool I thought he was as a person, how grateful I was that he pushed me to come out of my personally enforced social isolation. I just wanted to bask in that glory a little longer.

His heartbeat slowed, and I felt something instinctively telling me to pull back.

I did. With a few steps, still uncertain… no one told me drinking slowed your mind down so much…

He looked down at me, his jaw clenched. He seemed to seethe on something for a moment, and a small anxious voice in me wondered if I had done something wrong.

I tried to dismiss it, but even the parts of my brain that were saturated with alcohol seemed to be catching onto the fact that something was wrong.

“Hey…” I whispered closely to him, keeping a polite distance. “Is everything alright?”

“You shouldn’t stick to me like that.” He said, coldly, turning away.

I didn't really understand. I was drunk.

“Huh?” I asked a bit loudly and harshly, because the statement seemed really stupid to me at the time. Wasn't he enjoying himself previously?

He flinched, turning directly away from me. It was strange to see a guy as big as Axel, with all his muscles and coolboy tattoos, and that face that could literally melt any girl between her legs, was for some odd reason acting like a stubborn pouting puppy.

“Soph,” I suppressed the purr that wanted to escape me at the nickname, “you can't… listen. Me and you,” He said, turning towards me. “We are just hooking up, OK? You don't need to cling to me like that. It's just… it's too much. Ok?”

“Hooking up?” I said, testing the word in my mouth, dry and wet at the same time from alcohol. It sounded weirdly bittersweet and unfamiliar at once, confusing somehow… “Aren’t you supposed to be the one bullying me?”

He jolted again, blushing and turning to me, leaning down suddenly.

“Hush!” He hissed at me, looking around quickly.

I giggled. I couldn’t help myself.

“Which, speaking of, you haven’t managed to do very much of that at all so far tonight.” I stepped closer, invading his personal space, enjoying how he flinched, his face getting redder. “Honestly. I kind of feel like I’m the one bullying you.”

Axel froze at that statement, his back going straight, his poor beautiful face turning a deep, dark red as he opened his mouth but failed to let anything escape it.

I couldn’t believe this was happening… but his face looked really upset for some reason…

I didn’t really understand what was happening in the moment.

All I knew was suddenly he was kissing me kind of roughly… and it didn’t feel the greatest, so I pushed him off.

He scoffed at me.

“I don't feel like kissing,” I said, feeling myself rub against something hard and raw in my tummy, a sharp instinct that something was off. It was like everything that went down in the previous two hours was suddenly catching up.

“So now you want to get all sentimental and picky?” He said cruelly, stepping closer. “It's not like you don’t like the attention. That's why you’re putting on this show, aren’t you?”

He scoffed at my slightly struck response, kicking at some dirt on the ground, hissing at it. “I knew bringing you here was a stupid idea…”

I froze when he said that. It felt like a blow to the gut, but my brain was struggling to process why… too much alcohol, too many nerves, and yet some hard and grating sliced so perfectly through me that it felt like a primal response.

Even when we consciously aren’t online, somehow our brain can still tell when something bad has been said, I learned just then.

“What do you… What do you mean?” I asked, my conscious mind trying to catch up, even if it could still sense something was off. “I thought you… I thought you wanted me to come with you here.”

He rolled his eyes, laughing bitterly.

“You come to a party with me all dolled up, I fuck you a few times, a bunch of guys cant stop looking at you and all of the sudden you think you’re on top of the world?” His smile was cruel. Mean and biting. And not in the usual hot way. This one felt… resentful. “I brought you here to mess with you. And somehow you confused that for an actual friendship.”

And when, it hit me, what exactly he said, how he had meant it…

"I never..." I felt something angry beginning to rise in me, dangerous and usually held back. "I never thought we were friends," I said starkly, the cold sharpness of my voice surprising me. 

"You sure about that princess?" He said mockingly, getting up close and personal. "Cuz you seem to be clinging to me like your life depends on it-"

I felt my face redden a bit in embarrassment. Maybe I had been a bit clingy, but that didn't justify him being kind of a jerk...

"I just... I thought-" I couldn't make full sentences out in this state. "I thought you were enjoying it too... I thought- I guess I thought you liked it just as much as I did-"

"Ha." He huffed out with amusement. "The only pleasure I get out of our interactions is messing with you. Capiche?"

——————-

“Was that…” she said, her pretty, made-up eyes suddenly falling to the ground, as if she had finally begun to put something together. I felt my heart suddenly stop as she looked up at me. “Was that what this was about? Just... fucking with me?” She said, her hazel eyes full of something so innocent and naively hurt that I felt a deep, dark pang of something bitter go down my stomach, and I couldn’t just blame it on my beer.

I opened my mouth to respond, wanting to laugh her off and play it cool. What the fuck did I look like getting all guilty over this fuckin nerd? Why should I give a fuck about any of this? She was a stranger. Someone who was fun to screw and mess with. Nothing more, nothing less.

I took a swig of my beer and let out a chuckle.

“Honestly, Sophie, I’m not sure where you got the idea this was anything more than that,” I said as lightly as I could, leaning against the wall. That's right, I thought. Keep this casual, keep it jovial. Not that big of a deal. “When did I ever say I had anything more than a mild interest in you? You’re just a geek who’s fun to fuck around with and screw.”

I looked at her, how her eyes widened and seemed to water for a moment, how she tightened in on herself suddenly, her beautiful figure so uncomfortably uncovered by the short skirt and small top she wore, how vulnerable she looked as she suddenly turned red and looked down to the ground.

“Oh.” She mumbled, suddenly stepping back, as if the realization had just begun to hit her. “Oh, right.”

A dark, distant part of me felt a sudden dread overcome what I only had begun to understand as panic. A horrible, disgusting guilt started to build up in my stomach and into my throat, at the sight of her just standing there, looking so dejected and embarrassed…

I choked when I saw a small droplet of water suddenly escape her eye and fall to the ground.

“Sophie?” I asked tightly.

She swallowed harshly and suddenly looked up at me, her expression still stuck in shock somehow, her eyes wide but spilling out thick droplets onto her cheeks, which felt over her reddened skin, her mouth open in what looked like a gasp but wasn’t quite.

I normally liked seeing Sophie blush. But seeing her like this… this didn’t feel good at all. It felt fucking terrible…

“Sophie,” I said deeply with concern, stepping towards her, trying to reach my hand out to grab her.

But she stepped back again as her eyes darted up and down.

“No!” She suddenly said with a flinch, her eyes still wide, her blackened lashes pasted together by the fine water on them. “It's fine! It's… It's fine, everything’s fine!” She said too chipperly, suddenly straightening her shoulders and wiping her cheeks, steeling herself into a more neutral understanding expression.“I just… I’m the stupid one for misunderstanding, I shouldn’t have- we should never have-“ The pasted on neutral face she wore suddenly cracked under the pressure, as thick real tears of sadness spilled down her cheeks, and a brutal expression of pain was revealed, “Im- I should go!” She squeaked, suddenly turning and running off.

“Wait, — hold on—— SOPHIE!” I called out, tossing aside my drink in the grass to try and grab her, watching her shiver and run in the cold night air.

But before I could, the party door opened right at my side, a gigantic swarm of men suddenly escaping it and blocking my view of her as they screamed the words “KEG STANDDDDD!!!” Louder than necessary.

I tried to push through, my heart pounding a million miles a minute as it processed what just went down, but laughing drunk men pushed me around, hands groping me and grasping at me as I was suddenly flipped over a large cylindrical metal container, their jeers taunting me and taunting me and taunting me-

And all I could do in that moment was forget everything and drink from the hose beneath me.

And everything went black.

Chapter Text

Waking up wasn’t always a struggle for me.

I remember when I was younger and still living with my mother before she passed away. What it felt like to get up every day excited about life, when you’re so young, so freshly arisen from the bed of primordial ooze that makes us all up…

Soon, mornings stood as a curse to my existence. To wake up and remember, to remember the body I was born into, the social roles I would be expected to fill… The discomfort and alienation, the feeling of something never being right no matter what I did or how I did it… the disapproving looks, the isolation, the comments muttered in whispers and shared behind closed doors that there was something wrong with me…

I was lucky in that my mother caught wind of that something early on. She knew I didn’t need to be “fixed”, so much as helped. She ignored my dad, who thought it was all just a phase, that I was spending way too much time with her since they had separated…

Mornings never quite got back their shine, though, even after transitioning.

And on days like this, I wondered if some of that childhood innocence would assist me in the process of rising, rising against the beating headache that thrummed through my mind, rising against the feeling of shame, embarrassment, and terror that acknowledging what happened the night before would involve.

I forced myself to get up, needing to pee, to get the toxins out of my body. I needed to eat, I thought as I untangled myself from my sheets. The thought of facing so many human faces, faces that could have known, could have seen- I felt bile start to rise, and I expelled the thought of consuming anything in that moment.

I had always been a sentimental kid to a fault, I thought, looking at myself in our broken-down dorm mirror, tears falling, and yet my mind somehow… disconnected. It was weird how my logical brain could stay so detached from my body, could watch it undergo some of the worst physiological symptoms of grief and distress, and yet I could still… watch the whole thing happen somehow, distant from the feelings themselves while letting them flow. I had gotten used to isolating my body from my brain from a young age. It made life easier for someone like me.

I washed my face, trying to scrub away the sadness and pain, the sink going dark from the makeup that lingered from the night before. There was a poetic quality to seeing it wash down the basin; not because I thought it could ever carry my shame and grief, but because it felt like a dispelling of a role that was never meant for someone like me. A washing away of the sin of pride, which I had only briefly tasted.

You think you’re on top of the world now? cruel, beautiful lips uttered again and again in my dreams last night. You think you’re top shit? Well, you’re not. You’re nothing, Sophie. NOTHING.

I couldn’t tell anymore what was real, bizarrely. A small part of me raged at the implication my brain accepted, I realized, as I returned to bed, wanting the warm embrace of sleep to overcome me again. I didn’t have to entertain a damn thing that jerk had said. I was worthy of being happy… I was worthy of being confident…

But an older, more insidious part of me drank in the words, drank in the destruction they sewed in my spirit, loved to know the darkest depths of that pain, as if in preparation for something, as if somehow, in its crudely fucked up human way, it was trying to protect me from having hope. I am nothing, it said. And at least I know that much. No one can take that from me…

The angry part spoke back against it all, said I was being a bitch, that I was letting other people decide who I was and how, and that I took it as some sort of saintly martyrdom that I was willing to make myself into something so pathetic. It sniffed out the poor rationale for the insidious bits, called them on their desire for control over anything else.

I thought about calling my dad. Would he have advice?

It was weird to me that in moments like that, I would always think to talk or call people who would least be able to help.

My dad would probably get supremely awkward and mumble under his breath about how I couldn’t expect to be treated any other kind of way, given what I was. It was perfectly natural for a man like Axel to want nothing to do with me.

I thought about my mother's warm smile, her patient bearing… I thought about how it felt to hold her soft body in mine, to cry in her arms, knowing I was safe. To feel her soft hum on me as she calmed me as a child. She would tell me that Axel was a fool, that I was beautiful and a blessing and I deserved the whole world, and I wouldn't believe a thing, but it would feel good to feel her soft fingers brushing my tears away, to smell her comforting perfume, to feel the way a person only can in a mothers embrace.

I missed her so much. I missed her touch, I missed how her hair would tickle the side of my face when she would hug me, I miss how she would smile and congratulate me for my good grades, how she never pressured me but always made me feel welcome and at home, like I belonged with her.

I missed that feeling.

Belonging.

I couldn’t remember the last time I felt something like that.

I pulled the covers over myself again. And returned to the void.

——

I was woken up by a furious pounding on my door in the late afternoon, if the golden light coming through my shades was any indication of the hour of day. I usually never slept in this late…

“Hey,” a curt, but concerned voice said from behind it. “Dude, it's like 6 o’clock and you haven’t left your room all day.” A sigh, followed by a pause, careful and cautious even in silence. “Is everything Ok?”

I grumbled, rubbing my face, my eyes swollen from the morning's tears.

“Doors open-“ I said through sleep-drunk haze, the kind that only happened when you had dozed off for too long, the body protesting against such idleness.

The door clicked, and I saw the figure of my roommate standing in it. Sleek black hair done up in some bizarrely early 2000s reminiscent style, with all its twists and turns and rolls and sharp ends it became hard to tell where it stopped and where it began. Eyeliner that was sharp enough to cut a brick. Dark eyes that searched me up and down…

I felt bad making Janelle worry. She and I had a bit of an unacknowledged agreement that we would stay out of each other's business unless it was strictly necessary. The occasional tea break together usually sufficed for the two of us in the way of companionship. We both liked it that way.

Well… I liked it that way. I couldn’t speak to her situation. I never really asked her directly I guess…

“You… you don’t look great.” She said, matter-of-factly. I normally appreciated her direct candor, but now I just felt a bit disgruntled.

“I know,” I said shortly. She walked into my room without me inviting her, and I resisted the urge to hiss and tell her to leave.

“What… what happened?” She said cautiously. She looked so strange in my room, a dark figure in leather and lace and all sorts of decoration, as if battling against the aura of the stark, clean bare whiteness which defined my sense of style for interiors.

I tried to fight that sudden surge of affection in me that rose up at the sight.

“I thought… was last night a bust?” She asked, sitting in my desk chair.

I rubbed my face, not wanting to remind myself of the humiliation and shame I felt the night before. I was both mad and strangely relieved that she was trying now of all times to console me.

“It was… fine,” I said, trying to hedge.

She raised a brow at me, and I huffed in frustration, hugging my legs.

“You’ve been crying. I can tell. Your eyes are all swollen.” She leaned in, real concern in her gaze, the kind that made me feel like I was actually worth something.

And I hated it. It brought painful lances of love and affection into my heart and stomach, two things my body had learned to resist over the years because of the pain they wrought.

“It's… I’m-“ I couldn't stop the sudden onslaught of emotion, the pain and tears that threatened to bubble up, the threat soon giving away like a weak dam, my stomach tightening against a torrent of sadness suddenly escaping my body unwillingly as I curled in on myself and began to cry.

Janelle watched in silence for a moment before she got up and sat at the edge of my bed, directly next to me. I felt strong arms wrap around me, and grab me tight, and everything came apart. The tears fell, and I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t stop them.

I cried until I couldn’t breathe, until there was nothing left in me but the pleasantly dull ache of numbness that came when your body just had nothing left to give.

When I pulled away, I regretted it. Janelle looked distraught. I felt terrible putting her through this.

“You shouldn’t have to listen to-“ I said, my voice wrecked, wiping tears and gross snot from my face.

“Don't.” She cut in, almost angry. “Don’t do that. I'm here because I want to be. Not out of obligation.”

I nodded, silenced by it. I realized in that moment how it could come across as insulting to her, in a weird way, to assume she couldn't handle this.

“Tell me what happened.” She said softly now, rubbing my back. “I'm here Sophie. I want to listen.”

And I told her.

In a disconnected, jumbled way. The strangeness of it. I felt quite melodramatic describing the whole thing all over again.. So what, a part of my mind said, if a boy doesn’t like you like you like him? It's hardly the end of the world. Why are you crying about this?

Janelles lips were pursed, a characteristic eye twitch when she was pissed off began to show as she kept asking more questions. I worried I may have stepped too far, and was feeling a sense of reserve about sharing all of this, but as I was about to apologize, she cut in-

“THAT FUCKING BRUTE.” She practically screamed. “WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS? TREATING YOU OF ALL PEOPLE LIKE THAT? ILL FUCKING KILL HIM SOPHIE! Stupid fucking mother fucker!”

My eyes widened in shock at the outburst. I hadn’t… expected this visceral of a response. I had to admit. There was something strangely… pleasant in having someone get mad on my behalf.

I saw her pause, her jaw clenched, her hands tense.

I could see something stirring in her eyes.

“Im gonna give him a piece of my mind.” She said resolutely, turning to walk out of my room, determined.

I felt panic bubble up.

“Wait, Janelle, you can't be serious-“ I tried to protest, getting up and following her into the living room as she stuffed her bag with nondescript items.

“That stupid himbo motherfucker thinks he can act like that and get away with it?” She laughed, almost hysterical. “Well not on my fucking watch.”

“What the Hell do you even plan to do, Janelle?” I practically squeaked, feeling hysterical myself.

“I don't know!” She admitted, throwing her bag down, pacing back and forth. “I dont fucking know. What I do know is you’re way too kind and softhearted to give that fucker what he deserves. And as the more impulsive of the two of us, I have to ensure punishment is met.”

I felt myself beginning to laugh a bit and giggle. Something about this was funny to me, but I couldn’t figure out what.

“I don’t- revenge is not the answer,” I said softly, as she calmed down a bit more. “I shouldn’t be breaking down men's doors because they don’t like me, Janelle.”

She frowned at me, crossing her arms.

“Sophie, I’m really concerned that you don’t understand how fucked up this situation was.” She said resolutely and shortly, scolding me in an almost parental tone.

“What?” I said, admittedly feeling kind of clueless.

“One, hes used the pretense of ‘bullying’ you to have sex with you, make you do whatever he wants, and to push you around,” she held out her ringed hands, numbering each offense with each finger, “Two, He invited you to a party, almost by force, but in a way that any rational human being would have thought was kind of intended as a date, three, when you attended said party and humored him, and actually started having fun and, god forbid, started feeling good about yourself, and for once flirting back with him, he decided that wasn’t ok anymore, and basically told you you were nothing to him but some wimp he could tease and push around? And in a public setting to boot?”

I flushed a bit with shame at my own behavior in all of this. I had never really been conscious, I guess, of how much I was kind of going along with some really ridiculous things, and Janelle laying it all out made me realize it even more, even if I could tell that wasn’t her intention.

“I just… look,” I said, trying to be frank. “I just don’t think sending you after him is the way to deal with this.”

“So what's the alternative?” She said, exasperated. “Because I know what you plan to do, which is to pretend the situation didn't happen and then act like it isn’t affecting you until it all blows up randomly one day without explanation or notice, and I'm left dealing with the fallout.”

I winced… there was a few times I had let stuff get a bit stressful with school, and I accidentally blew up on stupid things like dishes or cleanliness in the apartment, taking it out on her inappropriately. I had gotten much better, but I felt the words leave their searing mark.

I groaned, flopping onto the couch, rubbing my face in irritation. My college experience was supposed to be boring, save for academics, I was supposed to coast through, potentially graduate early, look into graduate programs, and forget promptly that anything like an early twenties social life with all its petty dramas and problems existed.

“I’ll… I have to talk to him. I guess. And I’ll tell him what he did was majorly fucked up, and say that me and him having any sort of relation to one another was a bad idea and that we should stop talking… though I suppose that last bit goes without saying at this point…”

She looked a little unsatisfied by that reply, but somehow relieved. I guessed she was happy I was scrounging up the motivation to at least do something…

She massaged my shoulder tenderly.

“Good.” She said, picking up her bag. “I'm going to pick up some pizza and a bucket of ice cream, ok? I'll be back in probably an hour, and then we are having a horror movie marathon together while pigging out.”

I groaned audibly at that. “I hate horror movies.”

“Of course you do,” she scoffed affectionately. “Then we can watch a bunch of those dumb gooey girly chick-flick movies you are so obsessed with instead. Is that alright?”

I felt myself flush, but I nodded my head eagerly, as that was exactly what I kind of wanted and needed right now.

“Ill be back soon. Stay on the couch. No more bedtime groveling.” She said, swiftly walking away and making her way to the door.

I rolled my eyes, but heeded her advice, smiling as the door clicked behind me.

I felt in that moment, a flicker of something not unlike… the feeling of belonging, for once.

It felt good.

It felt safe.

It felt… right.

Chapter Text

Any self-loathing you would ordinarily attribute to a person with my… more loathable qualities was currently being felt with a punishing force I didn’t currently understand how to bear.

I mean… fuck. I had a tendency to tease people but for fucks sake it was always in jest. I had never… I had never taken it this far before.

I don't know why I acted like that… I don’t know why I felt so angry. Why seeing her, so… fucking exposed made me feel like I wanted to rip every mans head off at that stupid fucking party.

The hangover after the night was well born… it hurt like a motherfucker, but I knew I kind of deserved it after the way I treated her. I felt like such a moron in hindsight.

All I could do now is stay away from the poor girl. I wasn’t any good for her. I couldn’t be trusted not to hurt her, I couldn’t be trusted not to fuck things up, so the best thing I could for right now was keep my distance. Forget any of this ever happened. Self isolate like a piece of shit like me should.

I tossed and turned in my bed, trying to find some kind of purchase in the roiling soil of my emotions.

I knew I was a bad person.

I knew I fucked up.

Trust me.

I winced at the sound of my phone ringing, already wanting to toss it into the river that adjoined our dorm, watching it wash way along with all my responsibilities for the day.

I reached across my bed, fishing it out from its sandwiching in between the fabric and my sore body, and picked up the call without looking at the ID.
“Hello?” I mumbled, head pounding.

“Hello? Where the Hell have you been the past six hours?” My mother's shrill voice cut through the phone. “I've been worried sick about you!”

I flinched internally at each word she issued, like knives slicing into the sensitive pain of my temple with a bludgeoning force.

“Uhh… It's only been a day since we last spoke, Mom.” I whined, wanting to return to the darkness and silence of my self-flagellation.

The phone line went quiet, and I felt everything stop. This was my mother's way of letting me know something was very, very wrong.

“You forgot. Didn’t you?” She said in a clipped tone.

Fuck… I thought. This was the last thing I wanted to fucking deal with.

I stayed silent, my personal way of letting her know I didn’t appreciate her rhetorical questions. She sighed, and I could hear years of disapproval escape alongside her breath.

“The interview. With Don? The one that I spent months getting you, and the one I have been reminding you of for weeks?”

Whatever headache I had pulsated to a full, pounding force.

“Oh,” I said, knowing immediately it was the wrong response.

“OH?” She said. “OH?! That's all you have to say for yourself?” Her shrill voice sliced through so efficiently I wondered if this was what it felt like to be at the guillotine. “That's all you have to say?”

I wanted to tell her that I didn’t give a shit about working at Don’s stupid corporate nightmare of a company, that the last place I wanted to be on a daily basis was working with my mothers new boyfriend as his intern of all things, and that I didn’t care how much money I stood to make from it, that I had told her several times that I did not want to enter his line of business, and that I had my own plans for life thank you very much and she should kindly butt the fuck out of them instead of signing me up for things I never intended to go to in the first place.

But I couldn't say that. Because she was my fucking mom.

“I'm sorry, Mom,” I said, trying to make it sound sincere but just sounding contrite instead.

I could practically hear her bristle on the other end of the phone.

“Do you care about your future? At all?” Her voice was… concerned. Afflicted with something I knew was showing a love for me in its own fucked up way.

“Yes, Mom. Yes.” I said exasperatedly. “Of course I do.”

“Then why don’t you act like it?”

The words were intentionally harsh. And they made their mark. I didn't know what else to say. I didn’t think I would be listened to, in all honesty. What the fuck else was I supposed to say?

I did everything I could to succeed in college. I had a 4.0 GPA. I was the top of my fucking class in my specific field. I was part of plenty of student organizations, I stayed the fuck out of serious trouble, I studied diligently and worked hard… what the fuck else did she want from me?

So I stayed silent.

“Did something… Did something happen recently?” She asked. “Something you wanna tell me about?”

I cursed my mother's strangely adept way of fishing out my emotional states, somehow intuiting when I was going through emotional turmoil at its peak.

“It's-“ I started, then stopped immediately. What the fuck could I possibly say? Anything I could say would earn me a fucking tongue lashing on her part…

I sighed. I probably deserved that from her right now…

“I… there's this girl,” I said, feeling my face heat up as I said it. Like a fucking middle schooler talking to their parents about a stupid crush.

“Ah.” She said, and I hated the amusement I could hear in just that single word.

I paused for a moment, trying to find the words…

“She… I think I really fucking messed up, mom.” I said, my voice breaking on the words. I tried to will my throat to normalize, to stop choking up pathetically, for the tears to stay firmly in my eyes.

I didn’t feel that I was worthy of crying right now.

“Oh, sweetie.” My mother said softly, the tone she only ever used when, as a kid, I had hurt myself in some inconsequential way that kids make into a cinematic show, scraped knees and long scratches… “What happened?”

I took a breath of air, trying to compose myself. But it wasn’t working.

I hated… the humiliating feeling of being so close to breaking down like this.

“I just fucked up mom. I fucked up. I took a beautiful, sweet, kind girl and I made her hate me because Im a fucking failure and I cant let myself have anything, and you were right—”

“Whoa whoa whoa.” Her stern, disapproving voice bellowed. “When did I ever say you were a failure?”

I sniffled, brushing a stray tear away.
“You never say it,” I muttered. “But you think it…” I mumbled even more quietly.

“Sweetheart, I might be tough on you, but it's because I want you to succeed. The last thing I want is to see you end up like your father, washed up at 56 and doing drugs-” I heard her intake a breath, as if hearing herself. She knew my dad was kind of a sore topic between us. “I just… I just want you to be happy. You know? And maybe I’ve been a little too tough on you lately for the wrong reasons. But I have never once thought of you as a failure. For Christ's sake, you have a 4.0, it's not exactly like I’m begging for rations here in the way of achievement.”

I let a watery smile escape me at that. She could be… so strangely comforting in her sarcasm and directness.

“This is all besides the point. Tell me what went wrong with this girl. How did you mess up?”

I opened my mouth and shut it, realizing how awkward this kind of interaction was probably going to be considering I rarely spoke to my mom about my love life… Let alone the fact that revealing some of the details of my exploits in this situation probably wouldn't win very much approval from any kind of moral authorities.

So I stripped it down a little bit, keeping some of the explicit stuff out for my own sake, but gave her the general idea. I braced myself after a pause of silence on her part, expecting the chew-out which would come-

She hummed understandingly.

“God.” She said exasperatedly. “You're more like me than you even realize.”

“What?” I said in a bit of confusion, not expecting that kind of reaction.

“Hahaha.” She laughed genuinely, openly. “It's kind of funny, actually. When I first met your father, I was in kind of a similar place. I used to treat him like I hated his presence, and would tease him mercilessly, but… he always kept coming back no matter what I threw at him.”

“Really?” I felt… a strange, unfamiliar rush of affection for my mother in that moment.

“Oh yeah. It was really bad. Really bad. So bad people thought I actually hated him for a while. When I started to realize there was no turning back, well… it was already too late. I fell deep in love, and I panicked.”

“What happened? Why’d you panic?”

“Well, kid, to answer the first question, I self-sabotaged. Told him I never wanted to see him again. Said we weren’t a good fit, that I thought he was human trash, and I didn't understand why he ever thought I would stoop so low as to be with a man like him.”

I winced at my mother's forthright words.

“Ouch,” I said, in lieu of my poor father. Well… I wouldn’t be so fast as to feel bad for him yet, as my father wasn’t exactly a saint in the making, but I digress.

“Yeah. I really hurt your dad. It wasn’t until he stopped talking to me that I realized what I had done. But by then, it kind of felt like it was too late.”

I paused for a moment. Marinated in her words. Something about this conversation felt… sacred in a way I couldn’t place.

“And the second question? Why did you do it?” I questioned.

She sighed, as though thinking it over herself.

“You know when your young you think you know everything about the world, everything about people, about yourself.” She sounded like such a mom, I fought back the laugh that wanted to escape me. “And you know I just thought I had men ‘figured out’, I guess. I thought my resistance to being loved was because I was being prudent. And if I’m completely honest your father was a bit of a reckless junkie, so theres some level of truth to that aspect of it but… I realize now it was just my self-loathing and hatred that made me stay away for the most part. I always secretly believed he would be taken from me. Or that I would get my heart ripped to shreds somehow. So I ruined things before they could get worse.”

I sucked in a breath at the words. I couldn’t believe how much they mirrored my own feelings, especially when I always thought that my mom and I were polar opposites.

“What did you do next?” I asked, tentatively.

She laughed for a moment, as if amused with herself.

“I acted like a coward at first. Tried to come up with ways to run away from the situation, to forget he ever existed.” She said self-deprecatingly, but I could hear the bittersweetness behind the word, like an old, painful memory.

I blushed as I realized I had basically intended to do the same…

“And then?” I questioned, pushing through my embarrassment.

“Well. Your dad actually came up to me about a week after giving me the cold shoulder and gave me a piece of his fucking mind.” She said in a wistful tone. “And let me tell you something, I don’t think I’ve ever felt as much respect for your dad as I did then. I told him he was right, I was a fucking moron, and that I should have known better, I told him I love him, and him being the reckless fool he is took me back as if nothing had ever happened and well… ten months later you were conceived.”

“Ugh, God gross mom…” I groaned.

She just laughed at my reaction. I couldn’t fight the smile that pulled at my face. It was strangely… refreshing seeing her so open and relaxed.

“I loved your father. I still do in a lot of ways. And I don’t regret going back at all, but… we ended up not working out for very different reasons.”

I hummed in acknowledgment. The quiet felt good to linger in. There was a really… sweet warm quality to all of this. I liked it. I felt awkward, but it was nice to connect with her like this.

“So what are you gonna do now?” She asked me directly. As if I had the answer…

“I don’t know. What should I do?” I asked blankly.

“Well, you could always start by apologizing to her.” She said, succinctly. “Profusely. Tell her you know you're a total asshole. That you really like her, that you majorly fucked up, and explain why, and if, and only if, she has the grace to forgive you and would like to give this a second chance you would appreciate that.”

The thought made me wince. Facing up to that stuff was gonna feel humiliating… but when I thought of Sophie's face smiling again, her sweet blush while I teased her… I knew I had a responsibility here.

“You’re right.”

“I know!” She said with a chipper, confident tone. “Now get your shit done. You can't stay in bed all day, and it's already what… Jesus Christ, Axel its already 4 P.M. Get your ass out of bed and go do something productive.”

I rolled my eyes, even though the smile still remained.

“Ok, Mom.” Followed by a “Love you.”

She responded in kind.

And I hung up.

I sat for a moment. And thought about what she said.

It struck me that… a big part of my territorial nature, and oblivious sense of jealousy with her was because I felt like she was getting… too big for me somehow. I wanted her all to myself, to claim her officially, to make her mine. But… the vulnerability required of that scared me. The idea of Sophie… having that much control over me scared me. A lot.

And I was deeply scared, more so than anything, of feeling even stronger towards her, of loving her so deeply and truly that I wouldn’t be able to ever see life the same way again. Of potentially fucking it up so badly that I’m ripped from the Garden of Eden and banished to a Hell so fierce I probably wouldn’t make it out alive.

But I knew I couldn’t keep using being scared as an excuse anymore. I knew I couldn’t

I got up. Stretched my muscles. Told the part of myself that thought it didn’t deserve happiness to shut the fuck up.

And I decided to take some real accountability for what went down.

So I sat down at my desk, pulled out a notebook and the most uncomfortable pencil possible as partial penance for my sins, and got to work.

And I spent the rest of my evening carefully writing out an apology for Sophie. A real one.

I knew if she told me to screw off, and that she never wanted to see me again, I would deserve it.

But I had to try. I had to.

She was worth the risk of that pain. 

Chapter Text

I was procrastinating?

Why? I dont fucking know… ugh. I guess I do know.

I didn’t want to confront Axel. I was never the kind of girl who actually wanted to confront people. I preferred stewing in anger alone and getting into imaginary fights where I had all the control and I could make everyone say what I wanted to say, and I always came out as the victor, and they were thoroughly silenced by my intellect, emotional honesty, and wit.

Real confrontations? They don't work like that. You approach a person all high and mighty and then realize the internal battle you’ve been having has not in fact been projected to them ahead of time, which means your suddenly perfectly planned out speech sounds incredibly dumb, and you end up looking like a dork loser who shouldn’t be seen in public.

Ugh.
Look. Im well aware I’m making excuses for myself. But Axel was the last person in the world I wanted to see or speak to right now. It had been at least four days, and he was nowhere in sight on campus anyway.

There was also nary a text from him in sight… so you’ll have to forgive me if I considered things relatively settled on our part.

It took about three nights of crying straight for me to realize we were donezo for good… Janelle tried to push me to just text him myself but I couldn’t muster the courage. The one time I saw him, pacing back and forth for reasons I couldn’t surmise in front of the vending machines outside of our dorm complex, I just couldn’t get my feet to move from their place on the ground to talk with him.

As soon as he saw me, I bolted, Janelle protesting behind me and looking back at him with a venomous gaze.

I know I’m a coward…

But whatever. Prey animals have justification for cowardice, if only for the explicit purpose of avoiding being eaten.

Janelle called my thought process melodramatic. I thought that was inaccurate. Avoiding drama seemed like the furthest thing from melodrama, but when I said as much, she just raised her brows at me in a way that made my ears heat, and I felt a lot younger and more naive than her all of a sudden without being able to parse why.

So I was being a chicken.

So what?

——————-

Axels POV

I couldn’t fucking believe myself.

Who the fuck does that? Stands in front of someone's dorm like a total stalker, walking back and forth only to bolt when you so much as hear the front doors open? I studied the vending machines, written apology in hand, trying to keep them from sweating, my heart from racing-

I saw her out of the corner of my eye, looking at me with that one goth girl behind he,r who I was pretty sure was responsible for the obnoxious black glitter bomb left inside of my locker that left glitter in crevices I was still struggling to properly clean out. My buddies wouldn’t let me hear the end of it all week, and I couldn’t get through a single class without a puff of the shiny stuff flying up from my notebooks and binders and making everyone around me snicker, but…

I knew it was the goth chick only because doing something like that just wasn’t Sophie's style. It was way too bold. Also, immediately after I caught sight of her in front of her apartment, she immediately bolted away like a deer, her goth friend issuing a slicing glance at me that made sure I felt the guilt I already was carrying internally.

I tried to take at least that punishment gracefully. I knew I deserved it. After how I had treated her, I deserved a lot more than a glitter bomb and a withering glance from a goth girl as my punishment…

I shook my head, reminding myself that self-flagellation would get me nowhere, staring again at the 15th version of the apology letter I had written for her on my desk, rubbing my temples and trying to cull the incoming headache from manifesting.

The veins in my forehead pulsed as I thought of another better worded synonym for apologize that didn’t make me sound either like a complete moron or a victorian child begging for repentance.

Was this supposed to be this hard?

I called a close buddy of mine for advice, and he proved useless in the way of assistance (how that man is getting married six months from now, I'll never know). I called my mom, and she seemed to think anything was fine, and I had a feeling, given our mutually carried patterns, that her advice was the last I wanted to listen to.

I stared at my phone, at the last viable contact I had available to me who would be willing to listen to this much of a long-winded story.
The words Dad, stark and simple in white against the black background, a series of icons underneath the name, alongside his number.

This was a horrible fucking idea.

I clicked the call button.

Ring.

There was a weird fucked up logic to it I suppose…

Ring.

When it was him and my mom, my dad was the one who was in Sophie's position, so he would know what to do…

Ring.

I made to hang up, the third ring already having gone one too far, my palms already sweaty-

Click.

“Well well well if it isn’t my favorite child in the whole wide world!” His deep, gruff voice bellowed from the speaker of the phone.

I rolled my eyes, even as my heart rate was at its peak.  “Dad… I’m you’re only child.”

“Oh, don’t give me that shit. What's going on, sweetheart, it's been forever since we last spoke?” He said jovially.

I felt my face flush at the pet name. I hated it when my dad talked to me like that. I could also tell he was already distracted by something else.

I cleared my throat, trying to lower my voice and sound serious.

“There's something I need to talk to you about.”

“WOOOOAAHHHHH” he yelled wildly, and I wondered briefly if I had said something insulting I was unaware of- until I heard a swish, and the sound of a bouncing ball. “Jesus, I. Am. Goooood!”

I was beginning to think I had made the dumbest decision of my life yet by contacting this man willingly.

“Sorry, kiddo, what were you saying?” He finally issued after a series of noises that sounded like him gloating and dancing in self-celebration like he would when I was a kid. “I just made the shot of a  fucking lifetime.”

I grit my teeth. Why couldn’t he ever be serious? I hated it when he was like this. Because it always leads back to three possibilities:

1. He was high on some upper which was sustaining his current will to live
2. He wasn’t high, and this was a manic stage of his bipolar disorder that was severely under-treated and likely to cause more chaos as time went on, or
3. This was, down to the bare bones, just my father's personality. Immaturity and recklessness are alongside it.

The last option left a sour taste in my mouth.

“Dad. This is actually really important.” I said, feeling it come out halfheartedly. I didn’t know if I had the energy to muster anything with him anymore.

“Alright, alright..” He said, by the sounds of it, it seemed like he was plopping on the bench in the basketball court near his duplex. “Hit me with it, baby.”

I paused. Was it even worth it anymore?

I pinched myself, forcing the pain to be a driver to just say something.

“A girl. I'm struggling with. I need… help.” I said, feeling pathetic as I did. Why was talking to parents about this stuff directly so fucking awkward…

“Oh.” He said, and I could feel the seriousness he suddenly took on through the phone. “What's been going on?”

I told him everything. I even included the bits I wouldn’t have told my mom about… stuff that would make her pull my ear and throw me into a river with no remorse if she ever heard anything about it. 

If there was one thing I could do with my dad, it would be to be honest. I knew he already skirted the moral line a lot in his own life, so I never really felt like I had to hold back much.

So I told him everything.

“Well, kiddo,” he said with a chuckle. “You’ve got your work cut out for ya’”.

I let out a huff of air. “That's it? That's all you have to say?”

“Yeah kid.” He said, and I heard what suspiciously sounded like a man trying to spin a basketball on his finger and failing. “You were a total jerk. I'm not even sure this one is salvageable.”

“But-you-” I choked, my voice failing on the words. Wasn’t he in the same situation? “I thought- but with mom-“

My dad's laughter boomed through the mic, and I flinched, almost dropping my phone in the process.

“Hahaha! Me and your mother were so toxic we could make Chernobyl look like a spa weekend!” He resumed cackling, and I felt the heat rise to my face in lieu of the cringe I wanted to let out from his bad humor. “This girl, hahah, this girl does not sound anything like me or your mother. Look, kid,” his voice calming, “You gotta understand something when you’re young. Hurt people only go back to what hurts them, you got that? I hate to say it, but if she isn’t talking to you, its probably for the best. I mean, look at me and your mother? We didn’t exactly go the distance, did we? Me going back to her only ensured the worst possible outcome both of us had been avoiding. Inevitable separation.”

I looked at the phone, the speaker, and the blank emptiness of it somehow combining with his words to make a horrible sense of dread overtake me.

“But… but thats not…” I mumbled, my eyes wide. Was he right? Did I… was I wrong for her?

I couldn’t deny it, could I? I mean, I had made her cry and humiliated her in the worst way the other night… and why? For fucking what?

Maybe… maybe he was right…

I heard my father's voice sigh through the phone, as if in realization.

“I don’t wanna step on your dreams, kiddo. But you gotta know the truth. You’re an adult now. Leave relationships behind and you’ll be a lot happier.”

Like you? I thought bitterly. Did I want to be like you? Alone, refusing to change, doing things the same way since I always had, just pushing the people out who might have justified demands of me? Preventing myself from ever growing? Giving up on the people I love and secluding myself, pretending i’m happy but needing pills to numb the pain of losing everything…

I wasn’t going to let myself become my father.

So I set a game plan. And the first phase was figuring out how I could contact that damn goth chick.

———————————

I found her sitting with this guy with emo bangs outside smoking a cigarette. I thought about reminding her that this was a smoke-free campus, but I realized how much of a total loser that made me sound like.

She was laughing at something with the dude, cackling it up while bumping into him playfully.

I debated the merits of walking up to them and ruining their lunch.

But… I wasn’t gonna let myself pussy out for this.

“Hey,” I said tersely, walking up to her.

She stopped laughing, turning to me, her black painted lips suddenly turning downwards into an expression that resembled someone who had smelled something foul.

“Oh.” She said tartly, and I tried not to bristle.

“You’re Sophie's friend. Right?” I asked.

Her eyes flared for a moment as she turned to me. I could see the emo boy next to her wincing, and I felt an embarrassing rush of fear run through my spine from her gaze, even though I was at least a head taller than her and much stronger…

Whatever. Hardcore goth girls freak me out sometimes. Not because they were weird, but because I always felt like they would be the ones to know how to kill a man in cold blood…

“Yes. I am. Janelle.” I opened my mouth to tell her my name, too, but- “I know your name. What do you want?” She said shortly, and I could tell she hoped desperately that I would leave in the next five seconds.

I swallowed my pride and just told her the truth.

“I… I really… I need help.” I said, my voice gruff, yet cracking on a few of the words. “I… really fucked up and I don’t know- I need to know-“
“Stop.” She said suddenly, holding up a hand with long black painted fingernails and several silver rings.

She looked at the boy next to her, who was crouched protectively in on himself over the backpack he carried. She leaned down, whispered something in his ear and kissed him on the cheek sweetly. He nodded softly, kissing her on the lips before trailing off to leave us alone.

“Sit.” She said, and I swallowed the part of me that wanted to bite back, and obediently did what she said.

“You more than fucked up.” She said, after a moment in the quiet. “She told me everything. Everything…”

I blushed in shame. There was something mortifying about this stranger knowing all my depraved actions…

“Do you know how heartbroken she was?” She said piercingly. “She’s been crying every single night since the shit at that party went down. Why on Earth should I help you?”
My heart ached for the thought. I hated being the reason she was crying. I fucking hated it.

“Its that bad?” I said with a wince, and her gaze lit up again.

“Of course you fucking idiot meat-headed ape!” She said, slamming the table with her palms. “For fucks sake!”

I flinched again. I deserved that.

“Look… I know… I know I monumentally fucked up. I know I did. But I know I can make this right. I just… I just have to-“

“So then why did you do it?” She cut in expertly.

I paused.

“What?”

“Why. Did. You. Do. It?” Each word felt like a small needle softly and slowly poking into my chest. “You claim to be so remorseful. That includes, last time I checked, an analysis of why one does what they do wrong? So as to not do it again?”

I shut up for a moment. Took a breath. Thought about it. I knew what she meant, and what she was asking.

“I don’t… I don't know.” I said, resigned.

She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms, an expectant smile on her lips.

“Of course you don't. Why would you?” She said, making to get up and leave.

“W-wait!” I yelped, a bit pathetically. I looked to my hands as she paused, raising a brow at me. “I- fuck… Fuck!” I screamed a bit angrily.

Why were emotions so fucking… complicated?

“I just- I… I had never seen Sophie be like that before.” I managed to finally get out. “So… like… exposed I guess… fuck that sounds so stupid-”

I looked up. Janelle had sat back down, holding her palms together on the table, as if waiting expectantly, her brows raised.

I huffed in indignation. But I didn’t have time for pride right now.

“I just… I guess I just got… jealous… no. Territorial maybe? Fuck, I don’t know. All I know was seeing her wearing that fucking skirt, looking so exposed to everybody, and being so- shit I don’t know. Open? Just something about it bugged me.”

“Because you no longer had the power?” She said in a clipped tone.

“What?” I said, frowning. “I mean… shit. Maybe. Yea. That part felt… weird but it wasn’t unpleasant, I guess. It was more… just thinking about everyone looking at her like that-“

When I looked Janelle in the eye she wore a shit eating grin. I felt my mouth dry.

“What.” I said, starkly.

“Oh nothing.” She said all oily amusement. “Just that you were acting like a six year old that didn’t want to share their new shiny toy.”

I felt my face redden, my mouth opening to retort, but I knew right now trying to play it cool was not the move.

“Ugh… I don’t see her as a toy…” I said, looking at my shoes in embarrassment.
I remembered how she looked that night. How my heart fluttered. How I felt so… captivated by her.

I realized then why I had run away.

“I was- I was afraid.” I said with a choke in my throat. “Afraid- afraid of- loving her. I guess. Of what that would mean.”

“Because she’s trans?” She said, narrowing her eyes suspiciously at me.

“What?” I retorted. “No, no this has nothing to do with that. Sophies adorable regardless of what she’s got going on down- umm. I mean…” I bit my tongue when I saw Janelle’s brow raising to the high heavens. Not the smartest word choice… “Look. I don’t care about her being trans. That represents an infinitesimally small aspect of her being to me. I like her because she’s Sophie. Regardless of how that shows up.”

Janelle seemed to straighten, a hint of approval in her eyes, though I wasn’t quite sure what I had done right.

Janelle leaned forward. Crossing her arms, she looked me up and down, and suddenly a small smile grew on her face.

“If you want her to forgive you, this is what you have to do.”

Chapter Text

Sophies POV

Melancholy had a funny way of painting the world gray even on its most beautiful days. Even a sky blue day like today, without a cloud in sight, I still felt like I couldn’t apprehend the freshness of a warm sunny evening without thinking about the jerk whos hair matched the gold color of sunlight hitting brass seat handles, couldnt look too closely at the soft green of the manicured trees and foliage all me without being reminded of his pretty soft green eyes. 

Maybe Janelle was right about me being melodramatic…

I sighed, plopping into a bench near the park in the center of the university quad, watching passerby under the noon day sun, relieving myself of the weight of my backpack. I tilted my head up to the sky, my neck falling over the rail of the back of the bench, hoping the sun might cure me of all my ills…

Until I looked up.

And saw a face I wasn’t thrilled by. It took me a minute to realize it was him. It was as if my brain didn’t want to process it. Like it must be a dream.

Then I realized it was him. And I was staring up at him like a crazy person without reacting.

And I realized, I should definitely be anywhere but here.

I tried to bolt, yanking my bag with me, running off to some hobble hideaway where I could crowd into a corner and scream to myself about how beautiful he was even when I hated him-

But before I could leave, a strong arm yanked me back by the waist, making me squeak as I was lifted up like a sack of fucking potatoes.

And planted me right in front of him, feet-first, while I was still half-tangled in the straps of my bag and holding it like a security blanket.

“I know- I know you don’t want to talk to me.” He said… almost… nervously? He ran a hand through his hair, a slight flush on his face.

I relaxed. Axel? Nervous?

Weird… I must be still dreaming.

I started pinching myself.

His gorgeous green eyes looked down at where my fingers were roughly grasping at my skin.

“Sophie. What the hell are you doing?” He said. “Stop that.”

I felt my face flush, and I pouted, looking away.

“Theres no way this is real,” I mumbled quietly.

He sighed, grumbling something under his breath about me being cute, rubbing his face in exasperation.

I only just realized he was wearing a white bathrobe now.

A white bathrobe.

I really must be fucking dreaming.

“Can we… come with me. To my place. I just… I want to talk about this. About all of it.” He said, in full earnest. “I dont… you don’t have to decide anything. Just hear me out, ok?”

I huffed. Considered it. I mean. I was dreaming anyway. What was the harm in hearing dream Axel out?

I followed him to his dorm, and we entered the dark damp room, all browns and blacks and moodiness. Like him.

I snorted to myself about the observation.

Axel turned to me as I sat on his bed.

His face was bright red.

“In penance, for my poor behavior,” he says, and I raise a brow at him, “I have been told by a wise advising council that in order to win your love back I must ‘put myself in your shoes’.”

He rolls his eyes, but his face is still bright red.

I open my mouth to ask what the fuck he’s talking about, but before I can ask, he unknots his robe, and lets it fall to the ground.

And Oh.

My.

God.

I have to cover my mouth to keep the delighted scream that wanted to escape from escaping.

Axel was dressed like a fucking nerd.

I don't mean that metaphorically. I meant it literally.

A fucking nerd.

Suspenders. Bowtie. High-waisted light-wash jeans and a cute little plaid button-up shirt.

I didn't know what drugs I had taken before I went to bed the night before, but they must have been pretty good to bless me with these kinds of dreams.

Axel's face was nuclear red. He couldn’t even look me in the eye as he did the final creme de la creme, putting on a pair of glasses that looked suspiciously like they were prescription on.

And the look was complete.

“Adorable,” I said absentmindedly. Axel's shoulders sagged a bit as he huffed in indignation, his face somehow going redder.

“I-I’m here to apologize for the way I behaved.” He said softly, his voice crackly and creaky. “I was a total douchebag and a complete asshole to you. I treated you terribly because I liked you, and did a lot of fucked up really silly stuff for no reason because I couldn’t stand the idea of falling in love with you and losing you.”

My mouth was still open in shock.

“Where- where did you get those suspenders?” I couldn’t help but ask. I knew the man was apologizing, but I mean… cmon!

He flushed even more, rubbing his face in exasperation as he flopped down next to me on the bed.

“I'm pouring my heart out, and you’re asking questions about my outfit?” He said with his hands.

I giggled, fingering the suspenders and laughing at how they snapped. How his taut body flinched when they did.

He leaped up, suddenly grabbing my palm and coming close… really close…

I felt unwelcome heat take me over from his proximity. He was still pretty… even with nerdy glasses on.

“Hey,” he said in earnest. “I'm trying to apologize here.”

I sighed, keeping sight of his gorgeous green eyes, so full of an innocence I hadn’t seen up to then.

And a sudden brutal sadness overcame me.

“Axel, I-“

“Wait.” He interrupted. “Just… let me finish. Ok?”

I closed my mouth, biting my lip, but nodded at him.

He got up again, clearing his throat cutely.

“As I was saying. I acted like a total jerk. I pushed you away. I said I didn’t value you but Sophie I swear to God I was fucking lying to yourself and to myself. And I understand that deeply now. I understand,” his voice shook on the words, “that I pushed you away because I cared about you so much that it scared me. And I… I understand if you never wanna talk to me again. I understand. But if you can't… bring yourself… to even like me again, then I hope we can at least be friends. I don’t… I don’t wanna lose you.”

My head was spinning. Nothing was making any sense anymore. Axel apologizing? Axel is taking initiative and being emotionally aware? Axel dragging me to his room wearing a nerd outfit, confessing his love?

If I weren’t dreaming, I must have slipped into some sort of hallucinogenic coma. Because none of this was making any sense.

All of a sudden, I just felt anger.
A pure hot anger that made my face flush with heat, that made me grip his bedsheets harshly.

At the fact, I always felt dazed, confused, and desperate. I always felt like the one ditched twelve steps behind, left to pick up the pieces on my own.

And soon, an overwhelming crash of despair and abandonment came over me.

And I felt myself beginning to cry.

—————————————

I cant describe how awful it makes me feel to know I’m the cause of this…

Sophie curled in on herself after hearing me out, pausing as if tasting the words, then suddenly frowning, then gripping my sheets, and right before I expected her to raise her voice, to cuss me out like she never had before-

She started crying.

I felt something twist in me, and I lowered down onto my knees to try to console her.

She shook in quiet rage.

“You- you fucked with me, you b-bullied me instead of just telling me you l-liked me,” She stuttered emotionally over the words, wiping her own tears away, her eyes already swollen and red, “And then you m-make me think I’m actually worth something o-only to pull away and c-call me a loser when I actually s-start liking you back!”

I helped wipe tears off of her soft cheek with a thumb, trying to soothe her tears that way but knowing it wouldn’t be enough. I peered into her sweet, sad hazel eyes, her face flushed and her chest hiccuping, and felt a part of my soul rip itself to pieces. How could I have hurt someone this kind? Someone this gentle? Someone who could barely yell at me in anger for something I deserved?
“I know Sophie. I know. I know I hurt you. And I know I have no right to be forgiven. But I’m so so so fucking sorry…”

She calmed down a little bit after crying a little, resting her head on my shoulder while I soothingly rubbed circles into her shoulder.

She pulled back, brushing her hair from her face, wiping a few stray tears, and muttering gross under her breath to the snot and wetness that had built up.

“I need a tissue.” She said quietly.

I grabbed a box expertly from a drawer in the nightstand next to my bed.

I flushed when she raised an eyebrow at me for it, having seen the lotion in the same cabinet…

She blew her nose, wiping her face with another clean tissue and tossing them in the garbage can near my desk.

“Ugh.” She said, holding her arms close to herself.

I stood, patiently awaiting her next move. I didn’t want to push her towards any outcome right now.

“Hug me.” She demanded in a quiet voice.

I scrambled down, wrapping my arms around her, pressing her perfect little body in between them and she squeaked, before suddenly relaxing with a hum. She pressed her face into my shoulder, cuddling up to me closer.

“You’re a jerk and a brute and an arrogant brat who bullies people to get what he wants…” she mumbled, and I winced as each name she called me hit home. “And for some stupid reason… I still like you.”

I tried not to let my heart soar into the air, wanting to be patient right now. “D-does that mean- does that mean what I think it means?”

She nuzzled closer into me, and I could see through the corner of my eyes how her ears turned pink.

“Yea… whatever, I guess. I forgive you.” She pulled back, looking suprisingly tough despite the watery eyes and cute sad puppy look to her, “but if you ever do what you did to me at that party again I will fucking kill you and we will be done permanently. Understand!”

I smiled like an idiot and nodded, feeling like I was on cloud nine despite her apparent threats. I believed her. But I wouldn’t fuck up again. Well… not like that.

She looked up at me, suddenly vulnerable and sweet again. I felt my throat tighten, her shy, bashful appearance making a raging heat overtake me again.

“Sophie,” I whispered gruffly. “I want… I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?”

She wouldn’t look me in the eyes but… she nodded her head quickly, her cheeks pink.

I grabbed her chin, tilting her neck up, and she whimpered softly, her eyes screwing shut.

She was so fucking cute…

And I kissed her.

And I remember what it felt like to enter heaven again.

------------------------------

Smut coming up next :D

Chapter Text

Making out with Axel felt like… like coming home to a home I never knew I even had. His soft, warm lips felt like an angel's kiss, his sweet, thick blonde hair like silk in my palms, soft and adorable as I brushed my hands through it and moaned.

“Fuck,” he mumbled darkly under his breath, his hands shyly coming onto my side, rubbing them up and down while he kissed my neck. “I missed this so much…”

I flinched at each peck, wanting to run away, feeling my stomach tighten more and more on each one, like he somehow had mastered and mapped out the most sensitive parts of my neck and was now assaulting them mercilessly…

“M-me too,” I muttered, gasping quietly when his hands suddenly came to my ass, and squeezed.

“Such a nice ass… always fucking hiding it under those clothes,” he mumbled deeply, the vibration of his voice making shivers go down my body, his hands greedily feeling me up, squeezing and touching and grabbing…

I wanted to feel his body too… his hands were so big, and they felt so good touching me everywhere, and I wanted to feel him too…

I started with his abs… it was kind of funny pressing through the thin nerdy little shirt, his taut abs directly beneath it, small ridges and hills in the solid space of his tummy.

He jolted under my touch, his breathing suddenly getting quicker.

My hands traveled up and up and up, to his soft pecs, his beautiful shoulders, his strong biceps and arms.

I moaned into his mouth as he flexed them for me, and I could feel the smile on his lips as he kept kissing my neck. His muscles were just so… so beautiful and perfect and strong…

I was curious about something, though.

I took my hands away from his arms, reaching it down his back, the slim taper of it where it reached his waist… and I quickly wrapped my hands around his full plush muscular butt. No one told me mens butts could feel so good in your hands… so soft and yet firm… And I squeezed.

Axel let out a small moan, suddenly jolting forward, his face falling onto my shoulder. I giggled at the sound, and he jerked backward, blushing but frowning at me.

“You have a really, really,” I squeezed it harder in emphasis, making his gorgeous green eyes widen in confusion, “nice ass Axel.”
He looked at me with this expression that made it seem like he thought I was a little crazy.

It kind of turned me on…

“W-well im glad you like it,” he said softly, his voice a bit wrecked, his face getting a bit redder as I gripped his butt more greedily.

And then I had a naughty idea.

I drew my hand backwards, and with a sudden force and an open palm-

I spanked him.

He whimpered now, crashing into me roughly, blushing profusely with a shocked look on his as he did.

“Sophie?!” He protested, but I couldn’t even muster the morals to feel remorse.

“What?” I asked, soothing the area where I hit him, making him twitch and jolt in my arms adorably. “Is something wrong?”

“You-you just-“ he stuttered adorably, his ears still bright pink, his arms still tight around me. “You know what you did.” He mumbled shyly then, suddenly coming in close to me to hide his face in my neck.

“You can't even say it, can you?” I said with a giggle, loving how he grumbled at me because of it, his hands suddenly getting even more greedy and needy.

He was being so… soft today…

I decided to drive my knee between his legs softly.

And God did I find what I wanted.

He was rock hard. Rock. Hard.

He jumped at the contact, a small whimper on his lips while I heard him curse under his breath.

I ran my fingers through his soft blonde hair and gripped it.

He moaned again, twitching against my leg, jerking adorably as he accidentally ground down.

“F-fuck,” his voice strained, “D-dont do that…”

But I lifted my knee more, and he practically moaned, the hard length of him pressing up against my knee through his pants.

I took a look at his strong, beautiful neck, and I decided I was curious what it would taste like.

I kissed him there, and he practically broke.

Folded.

Lost it.

“N-no, Sophie, fuck, cmon n-not my neck, pleASe!” He whimpered and whined so adorably, his body jolting roughly against my thigh, involuntarily humping against it while I sucked and bit his adorable little sensitive skin.

“Ngh, f-fuck, fuck fuck fuck…” He mumbled.

He grinded against me so needy and hungry, as if desperate for any contact, his hands roughly grasping at my breasts, my ass, anything he could hold onto-

And I realized I kind of had the upper hand.

I pushed him onto the bed.

He flopped backwards, his face still a bit red, that confused frown and wide eyed stare still present on his face. He looked… so adorably like this in his little nerdy getup. He looked way less intimidating than usual. More docile and sweet and soft, his neck all bitten up, obviously littered with hickies, his hair all mussed up from me pulling on it…

He looked up at me in adorable confusion from the bed. Almost… scared?

But I just smiled. Because now I understood why Axel found it so entertaining to torture me.

I walked over.

And sat on top of him.

He moaned, hips bucking against me, and I felt how hard he was through his jeans, his hands coming up to my waist while he bit his lip.

He looked up at me shyly while he tried to grind up into me, and he looked so sinful and sweet, his green eyes pleading and desperate, that I almost wanted to go easy on him.

Almost.

Still… there was something I was curious about…

I made out with Axel again. Climbing on top of him, grinding down on him possessively, which made him moan and buck his hips upward, his cheeks flushing a bit at his own eagerness.

“You know,” I said, grinding down on him eagerly. “You’ve got the nerd look down on the outside, but how about the inside-“

I unbuckled his pants, his green eyes widening suddenly at my forwardness. I just smiled and finished taking apart his belt, unzipping the jeans. Until I saw a strip of white underneath them…

His face went bright red again, and he jolted towards me, grabbing my wrists suddenly, his beautiful, Greek God worthy face bright red.

I frowned at him, still smiling though, yanking my hands out of his grip.

“I wanna see,” I said resolutely.

He bit his lip, looking like he wanted to say no so badly. But he didn’t. Just turned away. Took it like a good boy.

I felt a sudden rush of something dark and horny overcome me at that thought.

But I focused on getting his pants down.

And I was more than pleased with what I found.

Axel. Axel, the bully who had teased me mercilessly, who had flipped my skirt up and made fun of my panties, who gave me freaking wedgies and teased me until I was red enough to die, who was arrogant and unshakeable and stoic-

Was wearing tighty-freaking whities.

The old, dorkiest nerdiest kind. Hanes waistband. High cut. Ribbed and white.

He groaned and covered his reddening face, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off the way his dick twitched lightly through them, pulsing in the white fabric…

“Awwwww…” I said, not able to help myself. “These are so cute!”

He groaned again, clenching his jaw while I pulled back my hair and bent down, mouthing wetly at his hard cock while his muffled gasps came from above my head.

I kissed his tip while he shivered, the fabric wet from my spit and his precum. I mouthed it harshly, Axels jolting hips trying to hump up into my mouth making me want to suck him dry until he was begging me to stop. But I had a plan in mind. 

Then I got up.

I got up, and he moved to get up with me, but I pushed my hand down on his firm chest.

“Stay.” I said firmly, trying to make it clear that it wasn’t a request.

He blushed, looking like he wanted to defy me, but suddenly just… let go and sat back, biting the inside of his cheek.

I slowly, so slowly, took off my hoodie, and I could see the way his throat bobbed, seeing my body exposed again, even though I was still wearing a thin cotton shirt.

“Take out your dick,” I said directly, trying to keep my composure straight. "And take off your shirt and jeans. But not the briefs."

He frowned at me and the command, as if confused and a little embarrassed. But he complied, almost shyly. Unbuttoning his shit like he was some virgin yet revealing the most perfectly carved body I had ever seen, sliding off his jeans and showing his strong beautiful thighs, his gorgeous calves, and his gorgeous plush ass.

He sat back down, leaning back against his headboard, and took his dick out, and it popped out roughly of his undies. I could tell his hardness was embarrassing him because he couldn’t look me in the eye when I looked down at it, pink and large and leaking.

I took off my shirt, then my jeans, standing in my panties and bra while he looked at me so hungrily I thought he would collapse if I didn’t let him eat me soon.

“Jerk yourself off,” I said roughly.

He raised his brows at me, his face going pink again.

He cleared his throat.

“Wh-why?” He said nervously.

“Because I said so,” I spoke as firmly as I possibly could. “And I wanna see you do it.”

He shyly reached down, eyes meeting mine, then darting away. He looked so cute like this.

A hand reached down to grip the tip, as he started to smoothly jerk off his cock, up and down, up and down… his green eyes trained on my skin, on my boobs, on my waist, my thighs, my hips, my wet dick…

“F-fuck…” he moaned. “W-want you so bad. So bad.”

I tried not to smile at how desperate he was being. I watched closely as his abs tightened up every time he stroked.

“Beg,” I said, even though I was getting to my breaking point, too, just standing here like this and watching him stroke his cock.

He flushed bright red, clearing his throat.

“Please.” He whispered quietly, looking straight at the ground.

“What was that?” I said loudly.

“Please!” He said even louder, his voice cracking on the words, his desperate eyes meeting mine. “P-please Sophie, fuck, I know I’ve been bad but this is torture-nGH!”

I ripped his hand away and grabbed his dick roughly, watching how he tensed, his eyes screwing shut, his face slamming forward into my boobs as I roughly jerked him off.

I felt myself get rock hard at how different our sizes were, tried not to bite my lip at the feeling of his stupid massive cock thrusting in my hands, how much he was leaking, the gross sticky sounds it was all making.

Shivering and trying not to moan, he tried to reach for my body, but I slapped his hand away.

“No touching without permission,” I said sternly. He blushed even more, just nodding his head meekly.

“P-please, Sophie? Can I please…ngh… can I p-please t-touch you… Ma’m?”

I felt a full-body run of warmth and electricity go through me at the sound of that word.

“Prep me,” I said, my voice trembling slightly because what the fuck did I know about having sex? Axel was always way more efficient than I was.

His eyes widened, and he scrambled forward, grabbing the lube nearby and lathering it onto two of his fingers. He waved for me to come forward. I did shyly, and he kissed me softly while peeling back the front of my panties.

He started to jerk me off, and I moaned, the feeling of his bi,g mean hands stroking me so good I thought I was gonna pass out from pleasure. He made my dick feel so… small…

I felt his fingers worm their way down past my taint in my panties, and suddenly two fingers prodded my hole. And pushed inward.

I let out a soft squeak at the sudden intrusion.

Axels face was red, his eyes hypnotized, his expression like something pleasurably sacred was currently in procession while he fingered me.

“Youre so… tight…” he said, beginning to jerk himself off at the same time which turned me on so so fucking much…

I was trying not to waver in my dominance but it was getting hard. Axel just watched me closely, pupils blown wide, as he jerked his fingers forward and I moaned even harder against my will, his fingers bullying against that spot like it was his job.

“Found your sweet spot again.” He said with another handsome, devilish smile despite his evident lack of composure.

I pouted, red-faced and annoyed, but he poked at it again effortlessly, and I ground backward onto his fingers without even trying, like something in my core was being lit on fire and needed to be pounded into over and over again to release…

“F-fuck… fuck…” I mumbled, trying to give the pleasure some means of escape through my mouth, but it just made it worse. So much worse… It felt like I was getting full body shocks of electricity and pleasure from my prostate.

He worked me open with his big, dumb fingers mercilessly. No remorse.

I felt myself stretch, and I tried not to moan and beg him for some form of recourse. I knew I had to keep my ground or he would take over again.

“O-ok.” I said, trying to cull the quivering in my voice. “Ok. I'm ready. I'm ready.”

“You sure?” He said, and the slight tease in his voice annoyed me.

But just as I was about to answer, he pushed his fingers against my G-spot again on purpose, cutting my words off with a soft pathetic whimper.

“Y-yes. Yes, I’m ready. Ngh…”

Axels eyes widened, and he nodded, pulling his fingers out. I tried not to flush at the wet sound they made when they escaped but I couldn’t help it.

I climbed up onto his chest, my limbs like jelly, my thoughts like scrambled eggs. But I was determined right now.

I grabbed his cock and put it beneath my hole.

And did my best to slide down, watching his face of shock and overwhelmed pleasure as he felt me clench around his dick.

He was so stupidly big. So stupidly fucking big…

It hurt so bad but also felt so fucking good somehow.

And then I felt myself seat to the hilt.

I couldnt move at first. Just stayed in place.

But I bought myself time by taking my bra off.

Axels pupils dilated when he saw my boobs. He looked up at my shyly, face red, hair messy, eyes still darting away.

“C-can I touch? W-wanna… wanna touch…”

I nodded my head, trying to focus on not passing out, and he surged forward, and I gasped at how his cock suddenly hit my g-spot just the right way, his mouth sucking on my nipples, his big hands cupping one breast aggressively as I rocked involuntarily back and forth on his cock.

“Holy fuckkkk…” His voice dropped an octave when I jerked forward roughly, and I felt myself tighten even more around him. “You’re so fucking hoootttt…”

I grinded back and forth as best i could even though I felt like I was gonna cry or cum any second now.

I tried to keep it together.
But then he wrapped his hand around my dick.

And my head emptied of all thought except surrender. He watched me with dark erotic intensity, stroking my wet cock with shameless desire, keeping his hips still while I did my best to ride him.

“Cmo,n princess.” He said sweetly and softly. “Cmon. That's it. Good girl.”

I felt myself turn red hot at that nickname of his. Tried not to squeak and whine, but it came out before I could stop it.

He just chuckled and started making out with me, one hand on my dick, the other on my boobs, my waist, grabbing me aggressively, his stupid big pleasurable cock stuffed into my ass, my poor g-spot hanging by a fucking thread.

I moaned and whimpered while he started to thrust mercilessly into me. Over and over and over again. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam.

Each slap of his crotch onto my ass felt like a spanking, reminded me of his power in this moment, the thrust of his muscles, and yet the sweet whimpers vibrating out of his mouth into mine as he drove his tongue in reminded me how soft and cute he could be.
The thought of Axel taking it… so well. Being such a good boy until now…

My hole tightened. I felt my vision go white hot for a second.

“F-fuck… A-axel w-wAIT!”

His hand tightened around my dick while he cursed under his breath, his hips stuttering underneath me.

“G-gonna… make me cum… if you keep doing that…” he managed to choke out. His hips slowed, and I could tell he was trying to be obedient and slow down but was losing to his instincts.

His hand was merciless against my dick. He never stopped. The tip sent warm shocks of white hot euphoria up me, my orgasm getting desperately close.

He started to thrust more violently, egged on by my moans. And then he started kissing my neck.

My stupidly sensitive neck.

I whined at the intrusion, my neck setting on fire as he lapped up against it. Kissed, licked, sucked, anything he could with his warm wet sexy mouth.

My hands reached up to his big, brawny shoulders and gripped them in some effort to gain control, but feeling his muscles only made it worse. I felt my mouth open as drool started to escape, each ram of his dick into me making me bounce on his cock like I belonged there. I couldn’t control it anymore.

And then he slammed himself into me extra hard and fucking BIT my neck… the pain and pleasure and sensitivity all leaked together until I was barely conscious. His dick sending fireworks of pure bliss through my ass, one hand groping my boobs mercilessly, the other grabbing my dick and not letting me go for even a second as I just fucking-

I came.

I came so hard I thought I was in Nirvana.

I couldn't tell you what happened after that.

My mind went blank… all I knew was pure, unadulterated bliss.

Distantly I felt his beautiful strong presence guiding me through it, while I felt something fill my hole up with cum, his sweet high whimper making my orgasm feel lightyears long.

When I came back down and back to consciousness, all I knew was that I was being big spooned by a large man behind me, his arms tightly wrapped around my waist. The hint of something wet drying on my stomach and ass let me know he had done his best to clean up.

But I could barely speak a word. My head was just fucking gone.

He tightened his arms around me, and the residual warmth and pleasure that was left deep in my stomach made me moan softly. I felt him stiffen behind me, cuddling closer and mumbling about how adorable I was.

“W-what happened?” I managed to ask with a hoarse throat.

He chuckled darkly against me, the low vibration of it somehow thrumming through my spent crotch.

“You came.” He said smugly. “All over yourself. Like a little fountain. It was so adorable and hot. I didn't even think it was possible. Then you passed out after I came in you.”

I felt my face burn as he said it. He was being a jerk but… I guess I had to admit I kind of liked it at this point.

“It… there's n-no way it was like a fountain,” I mumbled, curling in on myself. He just laughed, which made me feel more embarrassed.

“Awwww princess, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.” He said amusedly, cozying up to me, though his mocking tone made it clear he meant the opposite of what he had said. “I only fucked you so hard you squirted everywhere. Can you blame you’re body for loving me too?”

I wanted to hide and run away to the nearest black hole and die in it. How was he acting like such a bully even now, and why was it still so hot, even now?

I probably looked so ridiculous cumming like that… and knowing he got to see it… unfair…

But… still.

“Well… I’m happy… if y-you’re happy.” I mumbled meekly. I was so spent and worn out I couldn’t bother letting my usual internal editing system prevent me from showing affection directly.

I felt him smile up against my head, while he just snuggled up even more closely. His stupid abs, strong body and wide shoulders wrapped around me oppressively, their warmth making me feel close to heat suffocation in a way that I couldn’t make any sense of why it was so hot and pleasurable to me.

“I'm ecstatic, princess.” He said, kissing the top my head. “And I’m never letting you go again”.

I felt his arms tighten even more, possessively like I was a teddy bear he didn’t wanna give up.

I was glad I was turned away, because my red face and goofy smile probably made me look totally ridiculous.

But I was... content. So content.

And for once the world felt like it had righted itself.