Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hey, girlypops ❤️ So yeah this book is totally self-indulgent and I know it's probably smth that should be put on Wattpad instead of ao3, but I just felt like putting it on here too. Fight me.

So this will be hb just like it is on youtube, only Blitz/my OC is a woman (Blitza), Stolas is a woman (Starla) just cuz it felt wrong to make them a straight couple when they're supposed to be same-sex, Stella is a man (Stellan), and Loona is a boy (Lunar). The others stay the same. Probably.

Not sure if I'll write out all the eps or just the ones with Stolas in them so it'll be all about sapphic stolitz. And I'll probably add short in-between scenes and shit that aren't in canon so it can be more than just a novelization.

That pic of Blitza is made by me but the other ones aren’t. And I would've added pictures all over the place including a bunch of pics I drew, but adding pictures on ao3 is so stupidly hard compared to doing it on Wattpad, So if you want the better version with all my pics then head on over to the Wattpad version of this book (same title). 

If anyone does click on this for whatever reason, leave any type of comment and it'll make you my favourite person. Bye!

[EDIT: Never mind what I said before, I found how to add pics on ao3 now. Hope that keeps working out]

Chapter Text

Blitza Buckzo (now known as Blitz, just Blitz, and you'd better not make the mistake of pronouncing the A in her name) paced in front of a whiteboard in her boardroom. Her employees, two other imps called Moxxie and Millie and a hellhound called Lunar (who was also her adoptive son), sat at the table, listening to her.

"Okay, team. So I know business has been a bit slow recently. It's no-one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here... Moxxie." she said, ignoring the boy's irritated expression. "Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?"

"What about a car wash?" Millie suggested, grinning.

"This is Hell, Millie. No-one cares about cars being clean." Blitza said. Then she got an idea of her own. "What about a billboard?"

Moxxie rolled his eyes. "We can't afford a billboard, ma'am."

"Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now." Blitza deadpanned before shoving him away. "Have you all forgotten what service we provide?!"

Murder was what they provided. They killed people in the living world who had wronged or killed the Sinners down here in Hell. Not that any of them would forget it, because how are you supposed to forget what your own job is, but Blitza forced them to watch a video of themselves murdering targets anyway as a reminder. They ate popcorn as they watched it. "Ah, those were the good times." Blitza said, smiling and leaning forward on her elbows as if she was watching an old tape of her wedding day or something.

"I don't need any reminder, ma'am." Moxxie groaned. "Considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week, one that you then additionally paid to have run for a full 3 hours on a channel nobody watches."

"Uh, hey. Excuse me? What's obnoxious about a fun jingle?" Blitza snapped. "It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spinnin' bullshit!"

"People love musicals, ma'am." Millie supplied.

"Exactly, Millie! We're basically doing a musical!" Blitza said. "And Moxxie? Are you gonna crush my musical theater dreams like my dad did?"

Moxxie blinked. "Ma'am--"

"'Cause right now, all I see is my dad's asshole talking to me!" she went on, turning away from Moxxie sadly. "Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside!"

"You trying to crush her dreams, Moxxie?" Millie asked.

"I-- what?"

Millie scowled and turned away, crossing her arms. "I thought I knew you."

"I can't believe you, Moxxie! And after I made you Employee of the Month too!" their boss whined, holding up an unattractive picture of Moxxie that looked like it had been taken when he was just about to sneeze or something. Being Employee of the Month isn't much of an honour when there's only 3 employees here anyway, but Moxxie had admittedly been kind of happy when Blitza did that anyway. It had made him feel special.

"Ugh. Okay, ma'am, I'm sorry; a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theater. But nobody actually likes the jingle!"

"I liked it." Millie piped up.

Moxxie pointed a finger at his wife. "Do not-- do not agree with her in front of me."

As they were taking care of business for one of their clients, Moxxie was aiming his gun at a lady in the park, but he accidentally shot the young boy standing next to her. The lady kept walking, unbothered, while the boy screamed and then collapsed. Moxxie's face turned white in horror.

They rushed the boy to the hospital. They got some weird looks from the doctors and other people in the waiting room, but everyone probably assumed they were just super-short midgets who painted themselves red and stuck fake horns and tails onto their heads and belts. Moxxie was freaking out as Millie struggled to comfort him, while Blitza just calmly read a magazine, until the doctor came out with a clipboard.

"He appears to be in stable condition but he'll need surgery. Now what insurance do you freaks have?"

Blitza raised an eyebrow. "The fuck is insurance?"

The boy's hospital bed was thrown out the window, him still in it, and so were the imps. They screamed as they plummeted to the ground.

***

"I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Lunar's fault." Moxxie said, his eyes narrowed as they fixated on Lunar, who was casually sitting there with his legs propped up on the table and watching a video of Moxxie getting hurt. "Dispatch is supposed to give us the info on the target. It's very simple."

"Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie." Lunar said without looking up from the very entertaining video in his hand.

"YOU sit... on a... a... do your job!" Moxxie said.

"Now now, let's not blame our fuckups on Lunar, okay?" Blitza said, coming over to hug and nuzzle her cheek against her adoptive son's. Lunar was grossed-out by the affection but he didn't pull away from her. "He didn't do anything wrong."

"Are you kidding me, ma'am? He's awful!"

[Flashbacks] Lunar sat at his desk, reading a magazine called Hellhound Monthly. The phone rang with a dog-barking ringtone that he had personally picked out, and he answered it. "Hello, I.M.P.?"

"Lunar?" Millie said frantically. "I got stabbed! Call Mox--"

Lunar hung up, figuring Millie could handle it herself.

***

"Happy adoption anniversary, Lunar!" Blitza cheered, coming toward him with a present box. "I got you a lil something!"

"Is it a cure for syphilis?"

Blitza blinked. "No..."

"Then I. Don't. Want it!" Lunar grabbed the box and threw it at the ground. A swarm of spiders emerged from it and crawled up Lunar's body, swarming him up to the neck. "Ack!"

Blitza had already hopped out the window and was hiding on the outer side of the glass pane, not wanting herself to get swarmed by pests too. "Sorry, I thought you'd like the spiders!" she said.

"Goddammit."

***

Lunar was sitting at his desk again, watching a video on the computer of Charlie Morningstar singing her silly little song about how every sinner can be redeemed (Lunar actually kind of supported her cause, even though he himself wasn't a sinner, he was hellborn). Then Moxxie came out.

"Excuse me, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?"

"No."

"W-why would anyone send me this?"

"Come on." Lunar looked up at him, deadpan. "You know why."

***

Lunar dug through the fridge in search of something to eat until he found it. "Whoever left the fucking... avacado salad in the fridge, I'm taking it 'cause I have the worst hangover!" he announced before downing the whole container as easily as drinking water.

"Why would you drink on a work night?" Millie asked.

"I'm hungover from this morning, DUMBASS!" he snapped.

"Isn't that my lunch?" Moxxie asked as he came in.

"Y'know what, I can't take this assault right now. I need to blow off some fucking steam!"

He kicked the empty container at Moxxie, knocking him out of the way. Millie went to help Moxxie up as Lunar ran out of the I.M.P. building and kicked a mother's stroller as hard as he could.

***

The phone rang and Lunar picked up. "Hello? Yeah, I'll get her for you." he held the receiver out to Blitza. "Blitza, that clingy rich bitch is on the phone. Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you. Sounds a little DTF-y."

Blitza was by the water cooler with Moxxie, and she furiously threw her cup on the floor. "Oh God, it was one time! And if I hadn't slept with that privileged rich brat none of us would have access to the living world!"

Moxxie blinked. "You what?"

[Flashback] Blitza got off Princess Starla Goetia's bed and swiftly put her jacket and boots on. Starla was sound asleep, her amethyst-purple feathers all ruffled and a lot of them detached from her and strewn around the room, because Blitza had given her a truly wild and merciless night. She rubbed/massaged Starla's arm for a minute, looking at the princess in a way that was almost caring, but then she smirked victoriously and left with the Grimoire under her arm.

"Got the book, got the book!" she whispered joyously. "Got this fucking heavy book."

She went out onto the balcony, planning to make a sneaky exit. But she miscalculated how heavy the book was and ended up falling head-over-heels off the railing.

"Oh-- oh SHIT!"

Blitza landed on the outdoor-patio table that Starla's husband, Prince Stellar, and two of his friends were eating at. And of course she landed right on the cake, getting pink icing smeared all over her butt and splattering it onto the birds' faces.

Stellar stared at her in disbelief. Blitza realized she still had the Grimoire under her arm, and he would either call the guards or murder her himself if he noticed that, so she had to do something or say something FAST that would distract him from noticing that.

"Sorry, I fucked your wife." she croaked, flashing a razor-toothed grin at Prince Stellar before getting out of that courtyard.

"Sooooo what can I do you for this time, Starla?" she asked into the phone.

"There's a political candidate up on Earth that's causing trouble for a few of my associates." Starla explained from where she was sitting on a sofa in her fancy mansion. "He's trying to convince people that global warming exists."

"Doesn't it?"

"Well yes, but more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets looonely here."

"Okay, well, yeah, that makes sense."

"You know what happens when I become lonely, Blitzy?"

"God-fucking-dammit." Blitz whispered to herself. She already knew.

"When I get lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red ____ of yours! ____ your ____ and lick all of your ____ before taking out your ____ and ____ with more teeth until you're screaming ____ like a fucking baby!"

Blitz hung up, broke her phone, used the desk phone to smash it into more pieces, put the pieces into a blender and turned them into a smoothie. Then she gave it to Lunar. "Eat this."

He obeyed.

"And you know that bridge off the freeway?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

"Shit off it."

Seriously, why did that woman have to be such an unashamed, unfazed, unapologetic slut?

[Flashbacks end]

"Look, my point is Lunar is a valued member of our family! And we don't get rid of family."

Unbeknownst to Blitza, Lunar glances up at her and smiles tenderly, touched that someone considers him family.

"We aren't a family, ma'am!" Moxxie says, exasperated. "You're the boss, we're the employees! You treat him like he's some troubled teenager! He's more like a meth-addicted homeless man you took pity on and let man the phone!" he complains as Lunar just raises his middle finger, the nails painted black.

"That is offensive!" Blitza said. "Without homeless people, I wouldn't have half the joy and laughter in this life I do now."

She looked out the window at a homeless demon who sometimes sat in front of their building and asked for money. Blitza never gave him any of course. She smirked and waved at the demon before closing the blinds.

"While we're on the subject of "family"", Moxxie said with air quotes, not in a very warm tone, "can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?!"

"Come on, Moxxie, it's not that big a deal." Millie told him.

He turned to her, surprised. "Excuse me, what?!"

[Flashbacks] Moxxie and Millie were making dinner in their kitchen at home. "Honey, can you get me the butter?" Moxxie asked.

"Sure, sweetie." Millie said.

She opened the fridge to find Blitza hiding there. "Spoiler alert: the butter's spoiled." she said, which made Millie giggle.

"What's funny, honey?" Moxxie asked as he put diced carrots in the soup.

"Really impressive wordplay."

"What the-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN OUR FRIDGE?" Moxxie yelled.

***

Moxxie was sleeping but he awoke to find Blitza standing over his side of the bed, straddling him and putting her face awkwardly close to his. She was purring like a cat [A/N: or maybe that's Millie purring in her sleep. Can't tell] and swishing her tail happily. "Whatcha dreamin' about?"

"I WAS dreaming my parents were being murdered but now I'd like to go back to that."

***

"Oh Millie." Moxxie finished his song before he leaned in to kiss Millie but then he noticed Blitza standing on the windowsill outside, pressing a camera to their window to record them. "ARE YOU FUCKING FILMING US RIGHT NOW?"

***

"I liked their food." Millie said as she and Moxxie left a restaurant together, holding hands. "But when we--"

"Guys, wait!" Blitza raced after them, waving her arm for their attention. She caught up and handed Millie's purse over to her. "You forgot your bag in that restaurant, Mils."

"Oh, how did I not notice that?! Thank you, Blitza!" Millie said, relieved that she didn't lose all the stuff in her purse thanks to Blitza, but Moxxie was just pissed.

"Were you following us for our whole date?!"

[Flashbacks end]

"Just. Stop. Doing that." Moxxie said through gritted teeth.

"I don't see what the issue is! There something you don't want me seeing? You a baby weiner haver?" Blitza teased, which made Lunar snicker.

"Ma'am, what you say and how you act is totally INAPPROPRIATE!" Moxxie said, standing up.

"Moxxie, calm down, you're gonna have another panic attack." Millie said.

"I am calm!" he insisted, but he obviously wasn't, so Millie hugged him and started stroking his horns, making gentle shushing noises.

"Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff you do outside work hours," Blitza said, making a hotdog-in-the-donut gesture with her fingers, "so don't judge me."

"I do judge you, ma'am! Quite a lot actually!"

"Mox, she's our boss!" Millie said.

"It's okay, Mils. Your husband is just... how do I say this without being offensive... retarded." she smiled thinly.

Moxxie scowled. "Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?"

"Actually it does. Thanks for the assistance, Mox!"

"Only reason you have a wife is 'cause you're easy to manage!" Lunar suddenly spoke up.

"No he's not, you bitch!" Millie said, flipping her middle fingers at him.

"Don't talk to him like that, Millie, he's sensitive!"

"Yes, I am!"

This was usually how their arguments ended up, with Moxxie & Millie against Blitza & Lunar. Blitza and Millie both treated their boys like they were sensitive glass angels who would shatter at the slightest insult (which wasn't exactly true for either of the men) and they would get aggressive over it. But this time they weren't alone in their boardroom.

"You guys are all fucking assholes." the boy on the hospital bed, Eddie, spoke up.

"Oh be quiet, kid, you're lucky to witness this." Blitza grunted.

"This company's such a mess." Moxxie pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Allright, let's get back to talking about my outfit." Blitza said.

"No-one was talking about that." Lunar told her.

"Which is why I'm trying to get the ball rolling. So how does it look? It's good, right?" she motioned down at her outfit, which was her signature black jacket with this clothing underneath it:

"This necklace was one I found just laying around at the bottom of my jewellery box. Don't even remember where it's from. I got the skirt from Hot Topic, but they didn't have any tops that matched, so I literally had to go searching in--"

"It's been a literal hell pretending to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me," Eddie interrupted her, "but now I want that! I want death!" he pointed at Blitza. "You are a selfish greedy clown! And I'm a kid! We're supposed to like clowns! Even the creepy ones!"

Moxxie stood up. "Hey now, that's not very--"

"If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I'd rip out your spine and ask you some shit."

Then Millie stood up. "That's my husband you're talking to!"

"That's your husband? I figured you for a slut, but I didn't know you needed dick that badly! And you!" Eddie pointed at Lunar.

"What? What about me?" the hellhound asked.

"Nothing. I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person."

"You know, kid, you're kinda a piece of shit." Blitza said, to which the others mumbled in agreement. Then Lunar's phone beeped.

"Oh fuck." he said. "Guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess this boy was the right target after all."

"Him?" Blitza asked.

"Me?" Eddie asked, getting scared.

"They wanted us to kill an actual child?" the boss asked.

Lunar turned the phone to show the text to Blitza. "That's what they're saying."

"Well, Christ on a stick! I guess there is a God!" Blitza said before whipping out her gun and shooting Eddie clean through the heart.

Okay, child murder is never cool, but this child was a little brat. Besides, at least Blitza gave him the quickest, most painless death she possibly could. The imps then beat up Eddie's corpse as Lunar recorded it on his phone. As they put him into a bodybag outside, Blitza decided they shouldn't just keep him here in Hell, they should return the body to his family.

"Y'know, this boy might've been the target, but he was still a child." Blitza told them, wrapping her tail around four of them like a hug. "It's important we handle this respectfully going forwards."

The imps opened a portal onto Earth where Eddie's mother was standing on the street and being interviewed by a News anchor. They dropped the bodybag containing Eddie's corpse into his mother's arms.

"You're welcome!" Blitza said, waving goodbye. The three of them stuck their heads back into the portal, but then Blitza stuck hers back out and added, "And if you and your hubby decide to try for a replacement kid, I suggest you keep a better eye on him or her than you did with this little shit!" she saluted, grinning, and shut the portal.

The end

Chapter Text

"You do everything right in life and you still end up down here." Mrs. Mayberry said, leaning against a table as she smoked a cigarette in Blitza's office. "I was a good person before it all went down. I was good my entire life."

She began to tell the story of how she ended up down here. She'd been having a normal day with her Grade 1 class when she remembered today was her husband's birthday and someone suggested they FaceTime him to sing happy birthday, but the FaceTiming only showed that he'd been cheating on her with some blonde-haired Southern lady who Mrs. Mayberry didn't even know. In a fit of rage, she'd ignored her student telling her to "think before you act" and drove home to use her shotgun on both her husband and his mistress. Then on herself.

"After one measly massacre propelled by blind rage." Mrs. Mayberry culminated. "So that's why I'm here. To get my revenge."

"I mean, was she hotter?" Blitza asked, smirking.

Mrs. Mayberry glared.

"Anyway, it sounds like everyone who wronged you is already down here with you, tits." Blitza said. "Guess the problem solved itself? Boop." She booped Mrs. Mayberry on the nose.

"Not all of them." Mrs. Mayberry said angrily, crushing the cigarette in her hand. "The whore survived. And now they all call her a hero. Between the talk shows and the donation bullshit, she made so much goddamn cash that getting shot was the best thing to ever happen to her!"

"You're a hero!" an interviewer said.

"You're a hero!" a man said as he fucked Martha.

"Girl, you're a hero!" a dark-skinned woman said as she jogged with Martha.

"You're a hero!" Mrs. Mayberry's class said as Martha stood in front of them.

"My mama's a hero!" Martha's son said to the grocery store cashier.

"You're a hero!" another man who was butt-fucking her said.

Mrs. Mayberry slammed her purple fists onto the desk, cracking the wood. "SHE IS NOT A HERO!" she screamed, leaning forward to be right in Blitza's face.

"Uh, yeah, yeah, my thoughts exactly." Blitz said nervously. Underneath her desk, she desperately pressed on a button that said 'Deranged Client'.

Moxxie and Millie didn't notice their boss's cry for help, as Moxxie was practising how to shoot. Lunar held up a photo of Martha and her family while Moxxie aimed his gun at it. His hands were shaking too bad to shoot right.

"Careful, you're gonna shoot our only hellhound!" Millie scolded.

"Wow, I feel so loved here." Lunar said sarcastically.

[A/N: sorry, idk why he has a boner in the pic]

"It's just... it's a family! When would we have to kill a human family?" Moxxie said. "Maybe a shitty dad, or a mob family, that's understandable, but—"

"You think they're innocent?" Lunar said, sitting up. "This kid probably sets dogs on fire. Maybe this girl bullies Australian kids online. And this guy... this guy definitely watches."

"Exactly. Humans are full of secret nasties. That's why so many of them end up down here." Millie explained. "Guilty and innocent isn't our business. Killing who we're assigned to is! Now shoot."

"I just think we could be a little more selective is all." Moxxie said before taking aim again.

"Okay, guys!" Blitz said, abruptly opening the door of her office. "I want you to meet—"

A startled Moxxie fired his arrow and it ricocheted around the room, knocked over the water tank, spilled Blitza's electric eels everywhere, and headed straight for Mrs. Mayberry before Blitza caught it in her hand.

"...our newest client!" Blitza announced.

The carpet caught on fire due to the electric shock it received.

"Dammit, Moxxie, I just bought those eels!" She said angrily.

***

"Bye!" Blitz waved to the taxi that Mrs. Mayberry was riding away in. "And don't worry, we'll get that skank in less than 24 hours or your first kill is free!"

"When did we implement that deal?" Moxxie asked.

"When you set fire to my office in front of a client, you fucking dispshit!" Blitz snapped. "Seriously, you really embarrassed me back there, Mox!"

"Fine. Sorry." He grumbled with his arms crossed.

"Now, Lunar, please tell me that fancy book is still intact!" Blitz said.

"You mean our only ticket to the living world?" the hellhound asked boredly. "Yeah, it's right here."

"Good job, hon! That's why you're my favourite. Want a doggie treat?"

Blitz pulled out a dog treat and wagged it in front of Lunar's nose.

"Ew, ew, stop—"

Blitz threw it in the air and caught it with her tongue, slurping obnoxiously loud as she ate it. What kind of mother would she be if she didn't enjoy grossing out her kid sometimes?

"You are so gross!" Lunar yelled as he opened the book and read the spell to open the portal.

"Oh, stop it, I get enough of that from my therapist." Blitz giggled. (It was a joke of course, because even if she needed a therapist, there's no way she could afford one on her current salary). "Now let's go lick some ass!"

"The expression is "kick some ass"." Millie corrected.

"Meh, mine's better."

The imps found themselves in a forestry area, outside a big old-fashioned house that didn't have any other houses in close range. They went over to it and saw a family of 4 sitting at a table, about to eat the dinner the wife was serving. The wife matched the description Mrs. Mayberry gave them, and she had a bandage wrapped around her head, which proved she was the right target.

"Okay, this'll be easy." Blitza said, readying her gun and aiming it at the cutesy suburban housewife, who was batting her huge brown eyes innocently.

"Wait! Are we actually killing a family?!" Moxxie asked.

"Noooo, we're only killing a mother. We're destroying a family!"

Moxxie was gnawing on his lower-lip nervously. "I.. I don't know about this..."

"She's not as innocent as she tries to act, Mox. Don't forget that she literally caused the death of Mrs. Mayberry and her husband, not to mention she caused those deaths right in front of a Grade 1 classroom!"

Blitz turned back to the window, concentrating on her aim, then her finger started to press the trigger.

"Wait!" Moxxie grabbed his boss's gun and made her miss the shot.

Martha gasped. "What was that, Ralphie?" she asked her husband.

"I dunno, Martha. But whatever it is, they're gonna be tomorrow night's dinner." Ralphie said, getting out his gun.

Martha drinks a glass of wine and smashes it on the floor, pulling out her own gun. "Allright, kids! Guns out!"

The kids pulled out their own guns too. Apparently the whole family knew how to shoot and kill.

"Looks like we got some rabbits to catch, young'uns!" Ralphie chuckled darkly.

"What the fuck was that, Moxxie?!" Blitz demanded.

Moxxie fell to his knees, tears leaking from his eyes. "I'm sorry, they just seemed so wholesome and happy! I panicked!"

Blitz facepalmed. "Moxxie, you idiot, think about it like this: how would you feel if another man came and slept with Millie?! Like, when you were at work one day and Millie was at home, you found out she was getting dicked down by another demon? Would you just call him innocent? Huh?!"

"Well," Moxxie said, "obviously I wouldn't like anybody laying a finger on my Millie, but I'd probably show mercy to the dude if he had a family! If he had a wife and 2 young children depending on him!"

"Sometimes I wonder how you even convinced me to hire you when you have such a weak stomach." Blitz said. She poked the boy's forehead with a manicured finger. "Get the fuck over yourself, you baby-dicked prune!"

BANG! The wall exploded.

Blitz shrieked as searing pain bloomed on her arm and inky black blood streamed out, and she realized she'd just been shot. The girls sprinted out of the bushes, Martha and Ralphie chasing them. But Moxxie couldn't get away in time before Martha's son grabbed him by the tail and pulled him somewhere.

Blitz ran through the trees, clutching her arm as it continued to bleed so it wouldn't leave a trail of blood that Martha could follow. When she couldn't run any longer, she hid behind a tree and leaned against it as she caught her breath. She dared to hope that maybe she'd shaken Martha, but then she heard footsteps approaching her.

"I know you're hurtin', little devil!" Martha called.

Blitz covered her mouth and nose with her hands, trying to quiet her breathing.

"I promise I can take away that pain real quiiiick. Just let Mama Martha put a bullet in your pretty lil' skull~"

Blitz didn't move a single muscle, not wanting to make any noise at all. Then Martha passed and Blitz was relieved, but then her phone rang and she got panicked all over again. She cursed as she struggled to hit "answer" before she got caught. "Starla, this is a really bad time!"

"When isn't it a bad time, Blitzy?" the demon princess asked, amused.

She was swimming lazily in her bathtub with her feet propped up. Heavenly-smelling candles surrounded her, and the steaming hot water was filled with rose petals, buttermilk, and bubbles from her expensive soaps. As the bubbles floated into the air, Starla used her powers to let herself see what Blitz was up to via the bubbles. She was somewhere in the living world, in a forestry area.

"So, I've been meaning to follow up on our last little conversation. Regarding my Grimoire."

"What did you just call me?" Blitz asked. "Is that some Goetia slang for "whore" or "concubine"?"

"I'm talking about my book, silly!" Starla said. "The book I was given to do my job? That I have allowed you to use to do yours?"

Blitz heard the click of a rifle. She got out of the way just in time before a bullet flew through the tree where she'd been a second ago.

"I can hear you, darlin'!" Martha said, grinning maliciously.

"Shit!" Blitz whispered as she sprinted away, keeping her head lowered.

"So, listen. I've been permitting you to access the mortal realm less-than-legally for quite some time now, but I do need it back to fulfil my duties. So how about we work out an exchange? Favours for favours? Doesn't that sound... enticing?"

"What does "enticing" even mean?!" Blitz asked. "You gotta stop using your fancy rich people talk, Starla! I'm trying to concentrate on not getting fucked in my A!"

"Fiiiiine, I'll keep it simple." Starla giggled, like this was just a joke to her. "I only need that book once a month on the Full Moon. So I have a proposal for you: Every month on the Full Moon you will return the book to me, followed by a night of... passionate lovemaking~!"

She let herself sink below the surface, the warmth of the water enveloping her body, and she imagined it was the same warmth Blitz had made her feel the last time they had sex. Not to worry; soon she would be getting all the feelings Blitz had given her all over again.

"Aaaand you get to keep it the rest of the time. Hm? Sound fair, my little imp?"

"Fine, whatever!"

Starla squealed in delight. "Yes! Oh Blitzy, I'm so excited. I cannot wait to feel your slimy ____ against my ____"

"Aha!" Martha said, grinning, as she pinned Blitza to a tree with her gun.

"So you're a little devil, are you? Come to drag me and my kin to Hell. Well... NOT TODAY, SATAN. Gonna send y'all back where you came from!" She said before pulling back and ramming the butt of her gun across Blitz's face, knocking her out.

Blitz and Millie woke up, tied to a post. Ralphie cackled as he poured gasoline on them. "I had that shot! Dammit, Moxxie, you are the worst employee ever!" Blitz said, struggling against the ropes, but they were too tight.

"Satan, we return your filthy vermin to the pits of Hell! May the root of evil remain honoured as we continue thy work!" Martha said before throwing a torch at the imps.

They caught fire, but it didn't harm them.

"Uh, hate to break it to you but that's not exactly how it works, lady. Your fire doesn't really hurt us. But I mean, I could fake it if that'll get your dick hard." Blitz wiggled her eyebrows.

"Oh. Well, shit. Okay! Then I'll just shoot you in your smartass mouth!"

"That would work better." Blitz admitted.

"Blitz!" Millie snapped.

Martha cocked her gun. Blitz and Millie flinched, wondering if this was it for them. But then they heard a gunshot, and Martha's left eye fell out before she fell forwards.

"Moxxie!" Millie cried happily.

"You are not getting your paycheck for this one, Mox!" Blitza informed him.

Moxxie untied the girls, then he got too busy hugging his wife and let Blitza fall.

"Yeah, don't worry 'bout me, I'm fine." she said sarcastically.

Moxxie went and helped her up, then twisted his hands together sheepishly. "Ma'am, I'm really sorry. I compromised our objective and put us in harm's way. I—"

"Moxxie." She interrupted, smiling softly at him. "Moxxie, baby, it's okay. It's o-kay."

She came forward and hugged him. For a second they embraced each other happily, but then she whispered maliciously in his ear, "But if you ever do it again, I will fuck you and your wife."

Blitza pulled away, smiling like nothing had happened. "Okay! Now let's head back." She got her phone out of her jacket's inner-pocket and called Lunar. Yes, she had a spare phone, because when you have a tendency to break/lose phones as often as Blitz does, it pays to carry more than one.

"Uh, could you guys hang on just a minute? I think I left something at the house." Moxxie said before leaving.

Moxxie ran across the forest, passing by Blitza's phone where Starla was still on the line, still chattering about her slutty fantasies for the upcoming Full Moon. 

"___ use while you and I and ___ and jelly sandwiches all night!"

Eww. He went back to the house and saw Ralphie hugging and comforting his children, and it made Moxxie unable to kill them off despite how dangerous they were, so he instead called the police and reported having heard gunshots coming from Martha's house, then he went back to where the two female imps were waiting for him.

"Hey, there he is. You have a nice wank-off session, Mox?" Blitza asked.

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I don't care where you cum in the living world as long as you come to your job on time!" She said. "Now let's go."

"You okay?" Millie asked.

"Yeah. I just needed a minute to process."

"You have a good heart, honey. Just a fuzzy head." She kissed him on the cheek and went into the portal.

Moxxie was about to follow the girls but then he saw the 911 officials surround Martha's house. He expected to see them go in and arrest the family, and he knew the kids would be terrified as they got put in handcuffs but then they would learn their lesson on how to be better people.

But instead, they threw a bomb at the house and it exploded, killing anyone inside. The decapitated head of the little girl's teddy bear flew out and landed next to Moxxie's feet. Moxxie just stood there, paralyzed with horror, before Blitza grabbed him around the throat and pulled him into the portal.

Back in the office, Blitza's injured arm was in a sling and she, Millie, Lunar and Mrs. Mayberry were having a party to celebrate their success. Moxxie was just sitting there, in a state of horrified shock about how his attempts to help Martha's family had been in vain.

"Oh, did you see my little Mox-Mox? He did it! Oh, Moxxie!" Millie cheered.

"Moxxie finally learned not to fuck up!" Blitz cheered.

"And killing people isn't that big a deal if they try to kill you back." Millie said, patting Moxxie's head.

"That's fucked up... but I paid for it so who cares?!" Mrs. Mayberry said.

Everyone except Moxxie laughed.

"Fuck that family." Blitza said, raising her fist.

The end

Chapter Text

Blitza climbed up the wall of the Goetia palace, up to Starla's balcony. She sincerely hoped she wouldn't go into Stellan's or Octavia’s room by accident. She had a strong feeling that any altercation between her and Prince Stellan would get ugly. And any altercation between her and Octavia would be… well, maybe not ugly, but it would be fucking awkward. She’d never met Octavia before, but Starla had told Blitza that her daughter wasn’t really the sweet and social type, she was a bit cold towards new people, and if she ran into the imp who had come here to have sex with her mother she’d probably be a whole new level of “cold”. But thankfully Blitza remembered what Starla's balcony looked like from the last time she was there so she found herself in the correct place.

She found the owl-demon asleep on top of her blanket, still wearing her poofy princess dress instead of sleepwear, so she must've fallen asleep by accident. Blitza put her purse (which contained the Grimoire) on the nightstand and was about to wake Starla up, but then she figured it wouldn't kill her to be a little romantic. So she climbed up onto the bed, straddling Starla, and gave her a feather-light kiss on the forehead.

"B-Blitza?" Starla said groggily as she woke up.

Blitza just gave her some more feather-light kisses down her neck, making Starla squirm in pleasure as she sat up. "Rise and shine, Princess."

"Sorry I fell asleep. I just had a tiring day." Starla said, pushing back her long hair-feathers. "Anyway, did you bring my book?"

"Yup." Blitza gestured toward her purse, where the cover of the Grimoire was sticking out from the top.

"Lovely. Now— hey, what happened to your arm?"

"Oh, this?" Blitza glanced down at her arm. The sling had come off, but it was still wrapped in bandages, which had black bloodstains. "Oh, it's nothing. I just got shot on a mission last week. Thanks a lot, Moxxie."

"You mean you got shot by a human?" Starla asked, still frowning at the wound in concern.

"Yeah." Blitza said. "And I had a bruise on my cheek from when she hit me with her gun, but that one's already healed. But don't worry, I learned a lesson that will save me from getting hurt on future missions: do NOT assume that your targets don't know how to fight back."

Starla started to unwrap Blitza's bandages, which made the imp pull away in confusion and pain. "Ow! Hey! Starla, it's never gonna heal if I don't keep it wrapped up!"

"I'm gonna do something for you. Just trust me?" Starla asked.

Deciding to trust the owl-demon, Blitza didn't pull away again as Starla kept unwrapping the bandages. But it was still pretty painful as Starla's sharply-taloned fingers prodded against her torn flesh.

But then Starla shut her eyes and concentrated, and magic swirled out of her fingertips and soaked into Blitza's arm. Blitza felt an odd sensation in her arm, but then her red skin stitched itself back together, the blood getting sucked back into her body. When Starla pulled her hand away, the gunshot wound was completely gone.

"How... how in fucking Hell did you do that?"

"Hello, have you forgotten I'm an Ars Goetia?" Starla giggled.

"That was super cool, Starla." Blitza admitted.

"Well, I-- oh!" Starla cried as Blitza abruptly pushed her down onto the bed and pinned her there.

"Okay, you've shocked the shit out of me with that little magic trick. Now it's my turn to shock the shit out of you." Blitza said, crawling on top of the other woman. She smiled down at Starla's flustered face. "Mommy's gonna rock you until your brain gets bruised tonight, baby."

"Oh... p-please yes..." Starla stuttered, her panties already getting soaked.

Blitza reached her hand down and smirked at the wetness she could feel, giving Starla a sharp pinch down there that made her jolt like she'd been touched by an electric wire. Yeah, they were gonna have fun tonight.

The end

Chapter Text

[12 years ago]

Starla and Stellar were asleep in bed when Starla was woken up by their daughter calling them. She sat up, rubbing her eye tiredly.

"Via's calling us, Stellar."

"Mm... you get up." the peacock-demon said, hogging the blanket and not even opening his eyes. "I dealt with her last time. Your turn."

Starla rolled her eyes and got up, putting on her wine-red robe, before going to Octavia's room. "Via... what troubles you, my owlet?"

The 5-year-old owl-demon got off the bed where she'd been hiding under the blanket and ran into Starla's open arms. "Mum!" she said. "I had a dream! A really bad dream!"

"A nightmare." Starla corrected as she stood up with Octavia in her arms.

"I was looking all over the palace and... I couldn't find you anywhere! You weren't there!" the girl sobbed.

"There, there, Via, it's okay. You're okay." Starla said, patting and rubbing the girl's back soothingly. She walked to Octavia's bed and used telekinesis to pull her Grimoire out of her and Stellar's room, down the hall, and into Octavia's room. "When you're scared and you don't know where I am, you must remember: No matter what happens to me, I will never be far away, my special little starfire."

She opened her Grimoire and read the spell that would open a portal for them to go into space. As she walked through the astral planes with Octavia in her arms, she sang a lullaby called 'You Will Be Okay'. Octavia watched in awe as the stars streaked through the sky, leaving fire in their wake, but Starla used her powers to make sure none of them came near her and Octavia. She destroyed a whole galaxy just for Octavia. As the mother finished her song, Octavia was getting sleepy again, so Starla took her back home and tucked her into bed. She smiled and went to her own room.

***

[Present day]

A loud crash echoed through the palace, and a 17-year-old Octavia woke up. She grabbed her phone and turned on some sad music. Then she gave her hair-feathers a quick comb and put on some face cream and purple eyeshadow before walking down the hall to the dining room, stepping over a potted plant that her father had just thrown.

"I can't believe you slept with an imp in our fucking bed!" Stellar screamed.

"It was unexpected! I didn't have time to go to a motel—"

"A motel? Like a plebian!" he screamed, getting even angrier.

Octavia walked into the kitchen to find her parents arguing. Well, more like her dad was screaming his throat raw while her mom was trying to pacify him.

Stellar grabbed an imp maidservant, who had innocently been cleaning the silverware, and threw her at Starla. "Here! You want to fuck this one too?!"

Starla dodged it. "No, no, of course not!"

Stellar's face was flaming red with rage. "You are a goddamn embarrassment! A disgrace for any man to have to call his wife! I'm not spending another second looking at your pathetic, imp-sucking face!" he shouted before leaving the kitchen, his hands in fists as his sides.

Starla sighed in defeat as she watched him go. Then she noticed Octavia sitting at the dining table.

"Good morning, Octavia! Did you sleep well, my owlet?"

"Is that a serious question?" Octavia asked.

"What's that you're listening to?" Starla asked as she opened the fridge and picked up a big raw steak.

"This song is called 'My World Is Burning Down Around Me' by Fuck You, Mom."

Starla sharply looked over her shoulder, hoping that did not mean what she thought it meant.

Octavia rolled her eyes. "It's a band."

"Oh... how charming." Starla said weakly as she fed the steak to a huge carnivorous plant, then petted the plant, which made it close its 3 eyes.

"So are you two done screaming for the day?" Octavia asked, sipping her coffee.

"Uhm..."

"Augh!" Stellar screamed down the hallway, smashing something else in his rage. Then he started to punch the wall. "God *punch* fucking *punch* damn *punch* it *punch*!" He shouted.

That answered Octavia's question well enough.

"So, I have an idea! I haven't taken you to your favourite place in all of Hell. Why don't we go to Looloo Land!"

"I'm not 5 anymore."

"Come on, you always were so happy when I took you there! What do you say we go, have a day, just the two of us!" Starla gestured to a painting of herself and child Octavia.

God, Mum, is having sex with imps messing with your brain chemistry? Octavia wondered. "I'd rather kill myself."

"There we go! Anything but staying in this house!" Starla smiled as she went to the telephone which the bruised-up imp maidservant was holding for her. "Now, I'll arrange our security."

"Security for a theme park?"

"We're rich, and we're hot! People want our money and our bodies!"

"Our money, maybe."

"Speak for yourself, princess. Now, I'm calling the only woman who can ____ me."

Octavia recoiled. "What...?"

"Who can protect me! Us!" Starla corrected herself.

In Blitza's office, she was playing with figurines of Moxxie and Millie.

""Oh, Blitza, you're such a wonderful boss!" "I really want you, ma'am!" "Me too!" Let's threeway." She rubbed the figurines down on her crotch, then laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of what she was doing.

The phone rang and Blitza picked up. "Hello?" she said, sipping coffee from her #GIRLBOSS mug.

A sweet, British-accented voice purred at her from the other end. "Well, hello, my big-tittied Blitzy~"

Blitza and Octavia both spit out their coffees in shock. "What the fuck, Mum?!" they said.

"Language! Everybody!" Starla scolded. "I have a special request."

"Listen, I just got a chemical peel so you're gonna have to find someone else's face to plant that feathered ass."

"It's for my daughter."

"Another horny sapphic in the family?" Blitza asked. "Well, 'least be sure she washes it."

"No! Oh, no no no." Starla said quickly. She would never pimp out her daughter like that, not in a billion years. Eww. "I'm taking my daughter to Looloo Land. And I was hoping you brave imps can accompany us."

"We're assassins, not bodyguards, 'kay? Don't invite us to shit unless someone's gonna die."

"I'll pay you." Starla offered.

"Pay me what?"

"Money~"

"Done!" Blitza put her phone down so hard she accidentally broke it. Then she grabbed a megaphone. "M&M, get in here! We're going to Looloo Land!"

"Looloo Land?" Moxxie asked, confused.

"Looloo Land?!" Millie asked, excited.

"Looloo Land!" Blitza confirmed.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Lunar screamed from the receptionist desk.

***

"Starla, let me give you some girl-to-girl advice: you look like a fucking joke." Blitza said as they rode in the I.M.P. van.

"I hate to agree with her, Mum, but she's right. You look ridiculous." Octavia said.

"I'm just getting into the spirit of things!" Starla insisted. She was wearing a Looloo Land T-shirt, red leggings, and even an apple hat. "You sure you don't want to do the same, Via? I can always buy you a Looloo Land outfit from the gift shops!"

"I told you, I don't want to look stupid." Octavia said.

"Fiiiine, keep being a spoiled-sport. But I'll lighten your mood up soon!" Starla sang as she got out of the van.

"Remember, this is work and work only." Blitza said as they walked down the street. "Me and my crew are not here to satisfy your perverted bird needs."

Octavia was disgusted. "Hey, Mum, do we have to—"

"Hold on just a second, sweetie." Blitza turned to Starla. "If you try fucking my little ass in this park, I swear to—"

"You are so cute when you are serious!" Starla said, bending over to run a finger down Blitz's nose.

"I'm literally gonna be sick." Octavia said flatly.

"Oh crumbs. I knew today would be a lot." Moxxie started pulling medicine out of his pouch. "What do you need? Antacid? Morphine? Ibuprofen?"

"That was figurative, old man." Octavia said before walking away.

"Oh right... but she said it was literal." Moxxie protested.

"I haven't been here since I was a tot!" Millie said, grinning as she looked around the place. "Look! It's Big Wobbly!" she pointed at a robot dinosaur that didn't look appealing to kids at all.

"Well, hello there!" said a mascot in an apple costume, which startled Moxxie and made him scream. "I'm Looloo! Welcome to Looloo Land! If you get hurt here, just try and sue us!"

"Look, Via! It's Looloo!" Starla said, childishly excited.

"I have a question." Octavia said.

"Well, ask away, little girlie!" Looloo said.

Octavia put her hands on her hips and smirked. "Is it true this place is just a really shameless spinoff of Lucifer's far more popular Lulu World?"

"...No?"

"Lulu World? You mean that place where everything is all about rubber ducks?" Blitza asked. "Hah, you would've thought the King of Hell would be a bit more creative."

Octavia scowled. "This place reeks of insecure corporate shame. And those mechanical thingies look like they haven't been touched by a mechanic or caretaker since I came here when I was 5."

Starla chuckled awkwardly and led her daughter away. "Uh, why don't we go check out the rides?"

"That chick's creepy, huh?" Looloo said.

"Mm, wait till her mom tries to diddle your holes." Blitza said.

"What does that mean?" Looloo asked Moxxie.

"Don't talk to me! I know you're a pervert under there!" he snapped before leading Millie away.

Looloo hung his head sadly. "Yeah..."

"You really like this place, huh?" Moxxie said, struggling to keep up with Millie as she kept running around.

"I love this place!" she said. "Haven't you ever been here before?"

"No. Theme parks always disturbed me."

While that wasn't a lie, it was only one of the reasons why Moxxie hadn't been to amusement parks before. His father had always found them "juvenile", even though that's the point, they're supposed to be juvenile because they're for kids. His mother (before she died) had offered to take him once, but that led to a huge battle between his parents, and he didn't want to think about that right now.

"Well, my parents would bring me and my siblings here when they could swing it. Money-wise." Millie explained.

"These prices do seem rather criminal. I mean, that much for a novelty cup you use one time?" Moxxie said, glaring at a display of cups.

"Because it's Looloo Land!" Millie said.

"Listen to your hoe, Mox." Blitza said, sipping soda from a cup. She had loaded up on merch. "How 'bout I take first watch while you two have a little fun?" she winked suggestively.

"Ooo, we gotta do my favourite ride!" Millie said, grabbing Moxxie and carrying him over to a rollercoaster.

The Goetia mother-daughter walked through the park while Blitza followed them, her gun aimed. Excitement built up in Starla as she watched Blitza's liquid-smooth movements, her alert eyes, her attention to detail, and her expert grip on the gun. She couldn't have asked for a better concubine.

"You know it's quite thrilling to see you on the job, Blitzy." She whispered seductively into the imp's ear.

"Save it, bitch, I'm working."

"You both need to get a room." Octavia complained.

"Hey, I am not a day-hooker!" Blitza announced. A mother walking past with a baby made a face at her. "What? I just said I'm not one, prude!"

"Oh look, Via!" Starla pointed at a circus tent. "You used to cry such tears of joy at this show!"

Octavia's face turned white with horror as she remembered. Those hadn't been tears of joy. "Oh no..."

[Flashback]

Child Octavia stands in a crowd of children, all of them yelling in excitement, and they move as a group toward the stage, pushing Octavia with them. She's clearly terrified as she gets pushed towards RoboFizz.

A younger Blitza stands there wearing a clown getup, leaning against a cart where she'd been working. She'd still been friends with Fizzarollia back then, but she didn't approve of this performance. It was so freakish.

[Flashback ends]

"I hate that fucking clown." Blitza and Octavia said together.

"Oh, Blitzy! I need my bodyguard please!" Starla called.

Blitza turned to see Starla being kidnapped by a group of imps. One put a bag over her head while another pointed a pitchfork at her warningly and another stole her pocketbook. All of those imps were hired by Starla, hired so she would get the fairytale-esque thrill of being rescued by Blitza. Blitza wasn't too excited about it, but she did aim her gun and do her job of rescuing Starla.

Octavia went into the circus tent and sat on the bench. Blitza carried Starla inside with the bag still on her head and dropped her on the bench next to her daughter.

"Oh-hoo, who turned out the lights?" Starla giggled.

Octavia annoyedly pulled the bag off her mother's head as the show began.

"Hello, implings!" RoboFizz said as she came onto the stage, glitching.

"It's me, the Robotic Fizzarollia! Shipping straight from big Ozzie's factory to bring you a wonderful show celebrating Looloo Land spelt with Os to avoid lawsuit! H-h-h-hit it!"

She sang the Looloo Land theme song, dancing around and getting the other robot characters to join in, even though they were glitching even more badly than she was. She also walked around the audience and grabbed a few children to join in, but Blitza warningly pointed her gun at RoboFizz when she came near Starla.

[A/N: this song was actually kinda catchy lmao]

Starla was clapping along as she listened to RoboFizz sing. Octavia had thrown her head back in torment, banging her fist on the bench next to her.

As the show ended and RoboFizz got down on one knee and pinched the hem of her skirt to take a curtsey, Starla applauded. "Oh-hoo, how delightful!"

An imp tried to attack Starla but Blitza shot it and made its head explode. Starla smiled, turned on. "My, what good aim you have, Blitzy."

"I can't do this anymore!" the teenager said before running away.

"Wait— Via! Where are you going?!" Starla called, getting to her feet.

Octavia ignored her and sprinted out of the tent. Starla just stood there and stared, dumbfounded.

"What are you doing?! She's clearly upset! GO AFTER HER, you idiot!" Blitza said, furiously motioning toward the tent's entrance.

"Oh! Yes! Yes, I should do that." Starla realized before chasing after her daughter.

Blitza started to follow her charges, but then RoboFizz's raspy, glitching voice caught her attention.

"Well, I'll be damned. Is that Blitz-A my sensors detect? I bet the kiddies are still runnin' from you!"

"The A is silent now!"

"Just like the audience always was when you told your la-a-azy jokes and did your unimpres-s-s-sive performances here." RoboFizz mocked, hands on her hips.

Blitza felt a twinge in her heart as she looked down at this robot-persona of the woman who used to be her best friend. Even though she would never admit it, she always wished her friendship with Fizzarollia hadn't disappeared. Where did it all go wrong? She missed that girl like crazy.

But this isn't the real Fizz! Blitza told herself. You're not talking to the real Fizz, this is just a shitty-ass robot that LOOKS like her!

"Bitch, I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap robot ripoff of an overrated sellout jester!"

"Ooooh, someone's salty." RoboFizz said, fanning herself with her hand. "Real or not though people love me. Does anybody love you, BLITZ-A?"

"No. But I'm really good with guns now." Blitza whipped out her gun. "Suck on this, bitch!"

She slammed a new magazine into her gun and opened fire, but unfortunately this robot was as flexible and nimble as the real Fizzarollia, so dodging the bullets was no trouble. RoboFizz cartwheeled up the stairs and coiled herself around Blitza like a snake, before using her own momentum to launch Blitza through the top of the tent.

"Oh, FUCK MEEEEEEE!"

Wally Wackford was pushing a cart of torches for sale. "Torches, I say, get your inconvenient torches!" Blitza landed on him and the torches flew everywhere, making the tent and the robot characters catch on fire. "Ow! I say, OWWWW!"

Blitza landed painfully hard on a booth that Moxxie and Millie had been playing at (not really playing, more like the carnie was conning Moxxie out of all his money and hitting on Millie).

"Ma'am?" Moxxie said, surprised.

"Oh hey, guys." Blitza said. "You should probably go make sure Starla is okay. I got some unfinished business to take care of."

RoboFizz was advancing on her. Her colourful jester dress had been burnt off and the paint on her face had melted, allowing you to see most of her robotic body, and her smile was too wide and toothy to look friendly. She wasn't a cute toy for entertaining kids anymore. Now she looked like a machine that had been made to kill.

Blitza took out her flintlock and shot at RoboFizz, but she caught the bullet in her mouth and spat it out with ease.

"What a mouth." Blitza said, then cringed as she realized the double-meaning of that sentence.

Starla was dashing through the amusement park, her head whipping side to side as she tried to find where her daughter had gone. "Octavia!"

"Just leave me alone!" The teenager said as she went into a funhouse.

"Wait— Octavia!"

Starla went in after her, but an imp jumped on her back. She huffed and crossed her arms. "Um, I think I'm supposed to be bodyguarded right now."

Someone shot and killed the imp. She turned around and was disappointed to see it was Millie, not Blitza.

"That's better." She said, dusting herself off. "Where is Blitzy? She's my knight in shining armour, not you littler ones."

"She's, uh... busy." Millie said.

"Being a fool!" Moxxie added.

"What kind of fool?"

"The everything is on fire kind." Moxxie said.

"Ugh, I don't have time for this." Starla rolled her eyes and left to find her daughter.

She walked down the hall, past a pair of pendulums. Octavia was riding in circles in apple-themed cars, crying. Starla dropped her hat, which had gone from a smiley face to a pouting one, and went to sit next to her. "Octavia, I take it you are... not having fun?"

"I didn't even want to come here."

"I'm sorry. I thought you loved it here."

"When I was a kid and my parents didn't hate each other. And my mum didn't flirt with some weird red bitch the whole time."

"I'm sorry. I should have listened."

"I just want to go home. But home doesn't even feel like home anymore. You ruined it."

Starla sighed. "Honey, you have to understand your father and I... I just... I felt... he's always been... I haven't been... he... we weren't in... *sigh*" She lowered her head into her hands and shook her head, defeated. "I'm sorry, I don't have the words."

Octavia sniffled and wiped the tears with her taloned hand. "Are you going to run off with her, Mum? And leave me behind? Go away somewhere I can't find you?"

When Octavia was a child, her biggest fear was her mother disappearing into thin air and her not being able to find her. Now that she was 17, she didn't believe in such nonsensical things happening anymore, but she understood how the real world worked. And honestly the real world wasn't much less scary than her childish imagination.

She understood that her parents didn't get married for love, they got married because they were both forced into it to produce an heir to the throne.

She understood that her mother was a lesbian, and she was in love with someone else.

She understood that Starla might one day decide to start a new life with this girlfriend of hers, figuring that sticking around for Octavia wasn't as important as being with the love of her life.

She understood that Starla might keep in touch with her for a while, but she might become so happy in the life she'd built with Blitza that she'd want to erase all traces of her past, which meant cutting contact with Octavia.

She understood that she would be left all alone if that ever happened.

"What? No! No, I... Octavia." Starla gently but very firmly turned Octavia around to be facing her, then put a finger under her chin and lifted it up so their gazes met. "Listen. I do not know for certain what will happen between me and Blitzy. Our relationship is barely more than just sex so far. But whatever ends up happening between us, whatever we decide to do, the one thing I am certain of is that I would never leave you." She used her thumb to wipe a tear off Octavia's cheek. "I would much rather die than go somewhere my daughter can't find me. Do you trust me on that?"

Octavia blinked up at her mother for a minute, not responding as she stared into her scarlet eyes. But then she smiled. "Yeah, Mum. I'll trust you."

"Good. Now I think it's time we leave this place." Starla got up, picking Octavia up and carrying her bridal-style out the door. "You were right. You are too old for it anyway."

As they left, another imp jumped from the ceiling and opened a switchblade. The plan was for Blitza to take care of the hired attackers, but obviously Blitza wasn't here at the moment, so Starla did it herself. She petrified the imp and kept walking. As she walked out of the park, Blitz and M&M were struggling to fight RoboFizz and a mechanical dragon, but Starla ignored it and continued on her way.

"So," she said as they arrived at the Looloo Land exit, "what would you like to do now?"

"Ooo, can we go to Stylish Occult? They sell weird taxidermy there."

Starla raised an eyebrow, about to ask 'when did you start liking weird taxidermy', but then she decided to just go with it for now. "Hm, okay?"

Octavia chuckled. "Thanks, Mum. You're okay, sometimes."

It may not sound like much, but when you're the mother of an emo teen who usually cringes at half the things you do, and who was driven to tears only a minute ago because of your behaviour, being told you're 'okay sometimes' is one of the best gifts you can possibly receive from her.

"Thank you, Via. Thank you."

The mother-daughter shared a cuddle as the imps fell from the sky and landed at their feet.

"Way to ruin another good thing, ma'am." Moxxie said, not noticing that an unconcious Millie was being dragged away by a cat-like creature.

"Worth it! That slutty toy clown had it coming." Blitza insisted before faceplanting into the ground.

The end

Chapter Text

Blitza chewed on her fingernail in concern as she looked at the crowd of children who were standing around the stage as RoboFizz performed on it. They all cheered in excitement, but Blitza had noticed a little owl girl in the crowd who didn't look excited. She was clearly scared.

She was a Goetia, Blitza knew. She was a bird-demon, and only the Ars Goetia were bird-demons.

As the performance went on, the owl girl started to cry. Blitza was under very strict orders not to leave her post at the foodcart, but there weren't any other adults here, only kids who were wrapped up in their own thrill, so nobody else would help the distressed owl girl if Blitza didn't. Taking a look around, she dashed over to the owl and swiftly carried her out of the crowd, far away from the stage.

"Hey, you okay?" Blitza asked, kneeling down to the girl's level.

"That clown was too scary!" the girl sobbed.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." Blitza insisted, grabbing a napkin from her cart and handing it to the girl. "That robot would never hurt you! It's based on my best friend Fizzarollia, and Fizzie would never hurt any child. She's a really nice girl. Anyway, what's your name, sweetie?"

The only response was more sobs.

"Everything good, Blitza?" Fizzarollia asked as she came over to the foodcart.

"No. This poor thing got scared out of her wits by your stupid robot copy." Blitza said, shooting a side-glare at the other imp.

"Oh, don't worry. I know what'll fix that right up!" Fizz pulled a purple balloon out of her pocket, and Blitza realized she was gonna make a balloon animal. She didn't think that would sedate Octavia much.

"Uh, Fizz, I—"

Fizz held up a finger in her friend's face. "Blitza, I believe I'm the expert on handling the ugly snot-nosed children."

Fizz blew up the balloon and had it twisted into an owl shape in 12 seconds flat. She flashed a grin as she held it out to Octavia. "Ta-da! See, kid, it's an owl just like you! Isn't that perfectly fitting?"

Octavia glanced at the balloon owl but didn't stop crying. Fizz lowered her balloon creation, totally confused why it didn't work.

"Mm-hm." Blitza hummed, all smug.

Then Blitza bent down to Octavia's level and said, "Hey, you know something? I might kinda suck at circus performances, but since they put me in charge of the foodcart, how 'bout I offer you some free ice cream?"

Octavia stopped crying and looked up at Blitza. "I-Ice cream?"

Blitza pulled up a stool so Octavia was able to reach the opening at the top of the cart. "Yup, anything you want. It's an all-you-can-eat buffet, sweetie."

Octavia's pout was immediately replaced by a smile as she reached her little talons into the ice cream-making supplies. There were a dozen different flavours of ice creams, sprinkles, chocolate chips, small candies, and small berries to add on top. And now that her parents or the palace butlers weren't here to scold her for overloading on junk food, Octavia wanted to throw on as many ingredients as she possibly could.

"I'm gonna make the tastiest ice cream sundae in all of Hell!" she announced, giggling, as she got to work doing it.

"You're gonna give her diabetes, Blitz." Fizz whispered into Blitza's ear, smirking.

"Well, that robot of yours is gonna give her lifelong PTSD." Blitza whispered back.

"Look, you guys!" Octavia said, waving her sugary sweet sundae in front of the imps.

"Good job." Blitza said.

"You could work in an ice cream parlour." Fizz said, lightly patting Octavia on the back.

"You guys are really nice." The young princess said. "But you're imps, right? *the imps nodded* Well, sometimes my dad tells me to stay away from imps because he doesn't like them very much. Says they're below us."

Fizz rolled her eyes. "Welp, your dad sounds like a pretentious cunt."

Octavia tilted her head. "A... what?"

"Nothing, kiddo!" Blitza said quickly, glaring at Fizz for using the C-word in front of a little kid. "Anyway, you should probably head back to your parents now. And tell them you don't want to come to this circus ever again because it's full of jesters who're totally delusional 'cause they think they're hot shit."

Fizz elbowed Blitza's arm—hard— and they both chuckled as Octavia said bye and walked out of the tent with her sundae.

If Blitza had walked Octavia out the door, she would've seen Starla waiting for her daughter outside. The two women would've recognized each other from that time they had a playdate when they were 10, and they would've chatted and caught up and maybe even started dating right then.

Maybe their relationship wouldn't be so complicated if they'd met like this instead of making the deal about the Grimoire.

But alas, they just missed each other, so they didn't meet again for several more years.

The end

Chapter Text

Blitza sang along with the radio as she drove the I.M.P. van down the street. Lunar had already asked her to stop twice, but she refused as she was under the belief her voice was an "unearthed talent", so he had to deal with her terrible singing until they got to work. Moxxie covered his ears while Millie rolled down the window to get the fresh breeze.

Blitza was about to park when another car pulled into their parking spot out of nowhere. She swerved the van to avoid crashing, just barely managing to stop them from tipping over.

"Oh, you "Suck 4 Life", do you?" she said, then pulled out the megaphone. "Listen up, you unoriginal pink cumdump! You have 3 goddamn seconds to get your tits out of my—!"

A succubus with hot-pink skin, long candyfloss hair, a pair of horns with a star tattooed on each one, a tiny heart tattooed on her cheekbone, wings on her back, and wearing all designer clothing stepped out elegantly.

"Oh shit." Blitz said, the colour draining from her face. "Verosika?!"

The succubus turned around on her 6-inch heels and levelled Blitza with such an icy-cold stare that Blitza could feel the intensity of it even behind the succubus's dark sunglasses. "Blitz-A."

"I should've known it was you. I could smell fish from miles which is odd because I believe the nearest ocean is—" Blitza fell out of the car and landed flat on her face, but got up. "3 rings down!"

"And I should've known it was you when I heard the amber alerts." Verosika said without missing a beat.

"Oh yeah? I'm surprised they let your fat ass out of rehab. I can see you're still a drunken whore. Clutching onto that beezlejuice bottle like it's the last cock in Hell."

She flipped her hair. "They let me out because I'm still famous. And rehab is for sad loser wash-ups. So your sister says hi."

"Do not  talk about my sister!" Blitz warned, stepping closer to her ex-girlfriend threateningly. "And why are you parked here? This is the only parking spot my company has! So take your tampon race car and leave!"

"Actually, prick, this one has my name on it." Verosika pointed down to where her name was spray-painted in magenta letters over the I.M.P. logo.

"I'm doing a bit of freelance for one of the infinitely more successful companies in the building, and they wanted me to come in this week to lead their team during spring break."

"A week?!" Blitza said, shocked and furious. "Oh no no no no, you are not parking here for a fucking week!"

"Aww, you mad, Blitz-A?" Verosika said in a babyish voice, then switched back to her real voice and demanded, "You gonna run off, leave someone else to pay for the hotel, get in your car—"

"Drive 3 rings to Wrath and max your/my credit card on shitty horse-riding lessons?!" Verosika and Blitza said together.

"Goddammit, whore, the only reason I took your credit card is because we were talking about it the previous day and you told me you WOULDN'T MIND paying for me to have those horse-riding lessons I kept talking about! I was under the impression you still didn't mind!"

"Yeah, well, I was certainly under the impression you weren't about to bail on me that night." Verosika said, hand on her hip. Then she gave the middle finger and left. "Choke on a sandpaper cock."

As Verosika passed by the I.M.P. van, Lunar's eyes widened and he shrunk down in his seat. That was Verosika Mayday, the famous popstar, and she was apparently acquainted with his adoptive mom?!?!?!?! How had he never found out about this?!

Well, Lunar didn't talk much about the fact he sometimes listened to Verosika Mayday tracks. Her pop music was way out of league with the whole Emo Boy thing Lunar tried to keep up, but despite it not matching his vibe, he just couldn't resist how good it sounded.

"Hey, no, get back over here!" Blitza ordered. "You'd better move that pussywagon right now or I'll—"

Blitza was completely ready to hop in Verosika's car and drive it out of the parking lot herself, maybe even crash it into a nice brick wall too. But then heavy footsteps thundered behind her, and she turned to see a huge hellhound with dark grey fur, blind in one eye, and bulging muscles towering over her.

"You'll what?" he asked, his snarling face making it very clear he'd beat the shit out of Blitza if she touched Verosika's property.

"I'll... I'lll... I'll call HR."

With that joke, the 3 of them laughed together for a minute before quickly getting serious again.

"Blitz-A, meet my new hellhound Vortex." Verosika introduced, placing a manicured hand on Vortex's broad shoulder. "Unlike you, he actually does his job right. Ta-ta, fuckstain."

Blitza growled under her breath. "Can't believe I wasted my time with a bag of holes like her."

The moment Verosika and Vortex were out of earshot, Lunar kicked open the door of the van and demanded, "You know Verosika Mayday?!"

"What? Oh, yeah. We dated." Blitza said casually, crossing her arms, which almost made her adopted son faint from shock.

"Was it before or after she became a popstar?" Millie asked.

"You dated a popstar?" Moxxie asked.

"Yes! Why are you all acting like that's such a shock?" the boss asked.

"Hellooooo, it's Verosika Mayday." said Lunar.

"It's you?" said Millie.

"I just... is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage?" Moxxie wondered.

Millie snorted a laugh. "Or did you just blackmail her with some dirt that would ruin her whole career?"

Blitza rolled her eyes. "It warms my heart that my employees think so highly of me." she said sarcastically. "Anyway, my exes are none of your beeswax! I don't pry into your stupid personal lives."

All 3 of her employees protested to that statement.

"Oooo, what was sex with her like?" Millie asked, a dreamy look going over her face.

"Millie!" Moxxie snapped.

"What? It's a popstar! And you'd wanna know what sex with Micheal Crawford was like!"

Moxxie was about to argue back, but then realized she was totally correct. "Touché."

"Okay, let's just drop it." Blitza tossed the car keys to Millie. "Millie, find a temporary spot for our van. Lunie, Moxxie, let's go handle this shit."

Lunar found himself feeling very nervous as he followed Blitza upstairs. Which was weird, because he was not a nervous guy. His paw pads were even sweating as they reached their floor.

"Do you think they saw me? Fuck, I didn't put on any hairspray today! I didn't even comb it properly!"

Blitza smiled. "Oh, don't worry, honey. My baby boy is handsome as hell everyday."

Lunar's face flushed in embarrassment at his mother's praise. "Shut up, Mo—"

Blitza turned around, stars in her eyes as she realized what he'd been about to call her.

"Ugh. Blitz." he gently pushed her away.

After a few more steps, Lunar bumped into a furry body. It was Vortex, the hellhound who bodyguards Verosika. Blitza smiled, but her smile immediately turned to a horrified look as she saw that Lunar was blushing, wagging his tail, and sheepishly scratching the back of his neck as he looked up at Vortex.

Blitza immediately stepped between the two hellhounds. "Hey there, big guy. Where's your bitchbag of an employer?" she demanded.

"She's in her office. There wasn't room on the 2nd floor so we rented one here." he motioned to a room right across the I.M.P. boardroom.

"Oh, come on!" Blitza yells in frustration.

Vortex shrugged. "Sorry, girl."

"Ma'am, perhaps I could try to reason with her." Moxxie offered. "I don't really listen to what's classified as pop genre music so her status to me is......"

He went on and on with his nerdiness until Blitza told him to shut the fuck up, then he went into Verosika's boardroom.

"Hello, Ms. Verosika, was it? I work for I.M.P., and it's rather important for us to retain the singular parking space we were assigned because—"

"Aw, look at the little one. He's got a wittle bow-tie." said a succubus with Afro-style hair.

"Please don't condescend me, ma'am." Moxxie said politely. "I—"

"Want a kissy, little guy?" an incubus offered, bending down to grin hungrily at Moxxie.

"A kind offer but I'm married." Moxxie explained.

"Mm... why don't you send a message from me back to your limp... bitch... boss." Verosika said before baring her teeth and jumping on Moxxie, along with the others.

"Hey— Wait— No— Don't touch that!" the imp said as he struggled to bat away the succubi's hands, but there were too many of them.

"Shit." Blitza ran over to the window and pounded her fist against it, trying to get Moxxie's attention. "Moxxie, don't let her access any of your holes! She's a succubus! She can do that hypnotizing shit if she manages to—"

Moxxie came out the door, out of breath from the tussle he'd just been in, as you can hear the succubi/incubi laughing at what they just did to an innocent little guy.

"I gotta go lie down." he said, limping past Blitza. His hair was mussed, his clothes rumpled, and lipstick kisses splattered him.

"Oh, nobody treats Moxxie like a sex doll on my watch." Blitza said, rage filling her to the brim. She kicked open the door of the boardroom and marched in. "Allright, cunts! If you're gonna lay your grubby hands on my employees, than I challenge you to a fucking... uh, challenge! Fuck, I said that twice."

"Verosika, is this imp girl starting a demon duel?" a succubus asked her boss.

"I think she is." Verosika said smoothly. "Okey-dokey. What's the game then, Blitz-A?"

"Every year on spring break you STD spreaders go topside for easy pickings! So I'll bet you suck-you-bitches can't fuck—" she made a hotdog-in-the-donut gesture with her fingers— "as many people as we can off!" she mimed shooting herself in the head.

The pop crew burst out laughing. Blitza glares in determination.

"Oh, you're serious? Hm..." Verosika bent down to Blitza's level, her relaxed eyes burrowing deep into Blitza's angry ones, her lips curled up into the perfect Cupid's bow. "Game on... bitch."

***

In her own boardroom, Blitza called her employees to attention without any fooling around prior like she usually did.

"Allright, shut your assholes! Here's how we're gonna do this shit! First we find a fuckton of clients, then we have our fun murder time as usual, we pile the bodies into a big fucking canoe, we push said canoe into the ocean for the sharks to eat, we win the bet, we rub it in that sloppy bitch's drunken whore-ass face, and we get our parking spot back! Any questions?"

"Uh, yeah. Why was that nonsense?" Moxxie asked.

"That wasn't a question." Blitza said.

"Well, that wasn't a plan!"

"That was a flawless presentation of what we should do, not my fault you have a smooth little brain upstairs."

"A what?"

"I'm calling you slow, Mox. Why don't you learn to take criticism, you talentless, baby-dicked troll?!"

He stood up on top of the table to put himself higher than Blitza. "Why don't you take art lessons?"

She grabbed him by the collar and threw him back into his chair. "Why don't you see how expensive they are?!"

"Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys?" Lunar asked.

"Absolutely not, I forbid it, sorry baby." Blitza said. "Spring break is no place for young vulnerable goth boys. You know the kind of freaks up there who'd drool all over you!"

They broke the 4th wall by glaring at the camera, referring to those who watch it just to drool over Lunar's furry ass.

"Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough. Just let me tag along." Lunar tried.

Blitza frowned. "Wait, say that again."

"I can blend in?"

"Do you have a human disguise?" Millie asked.

"Yeah, don't you?"

The imps looked at each other. Lunar smacked his forehead, because just when you thought they couldn't get any stupider..... "You guys have been screwing around on Earth this whole time without human disguises?!"

"Well, Lunie, we're imps. Don't you know that imps don't have human disguises without an Asmodean Crystal? Anyway, new plan!" Blitza drew a picture of Lunar standing on the beach, surrounded by women who looked at him with hearts around them. "Lunie will lure the humans away and we'll take care of the rest."

"Ma'am, I think you're missing the biggest issue." Moxie said. "Isn't it crucial to have a client who demands that many kills? We don't just go up there to massacre."

"Don't worry, I got that part covered." Blitza said. She made a poster that said spring break kills were 50% off and soon enough Sinners were swarming at the chance to get their rivals in the living world killed.

On the beach at the living world, the 4 demons waited.

"You got the list?" Blitza asked her son.

"Yeah, got it."

He stepped out into the open, then concentrated his energy on changing forms. A blue-and-purple light started at his feet and spiralled upwards, arching his back as the light engulfed him. When it died down, Lunar was in his human disguise: a handsome 22-year-old who looked a little young for his age, pale skin, bluish-silver hair, maroon eyes, a piercing in his right eyebrow, a pair of black earrings in his right ear, and a prominent scar on his left ear that matched the ripped ear he had in his hellhound form. He wore all the same clothes as before, but now with a pair of black boots added onto his feet and his spiked collar replaced by a simple black choker.

"Lunie, baby, you look downright awful." Blitza said, wiping tears of pride from her eyes as Lunar adjusted his black bomber jacket. "I am so proud. Good job, baby. Now fetch!"

Lunar walked onto the beach, finding the first girl on the list. Luckily, she looked just cheap enough to hook up with a stranger on a beach. He tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around.

"Hey, beautiful." he said, curling his lips into what he hoped came off as a sexy smirk.

"Beautiful?" the girl asked, blushing.

"Uh, yeah?" Lunar said as if it were obvious. He let his eyes roam up-and-down the girl's body like he was checking her out. He didn't say anything else, but he pointed his thumb at an alley. The girl grinned and followed Lunar to the alley, away from the crowded area. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms.

The girl let her cardigan fall to her feet, showing off the shiny red bikini she wore underneath. But before she could get it on with Lunar, a bullet flew through her head and Lunar looked up to see the imps sitting on the roof with a gun. Lunar did that routine several more times, pulling girls out of the crowd with promises of sex, and finding ways to pull the guys away too, then the imps assassinated them.

"Allright, that's 9 kills in double the bag." Blitza said proudly, dusting her hands off. "I'd like to see Verosika snatch orgasm that fast—"

"Allright, spring breakers!" Verosika's voice announced into a loudspeaker. "You ready to get fucked up and make some bitchin' bad choices?"

Blitza turned to see Verosika standing on a stage, wearing her human disguise: a woman with light brown skin, sunkissed freckles, platinum blonde hair with bangs and a star-shaped portion at the top dyed magenta, and the same heart tattoo on her cheekbone and 'Blitza' tattoo on her bicep.

This wasn't the first time Blitza had seen Verosika's human disguise. Verosika had shown it to her a couple times back when they were dating, teasing Blitza about not having one of her own because she was an imp, and Blitza remembered how she'd drooled all over Human Verosika and said things like, "And just when I thought you couldn't get any more stunning, Ver". They had a lot of 18+ fun with Verosika in that human disguise too. But Blitza tried to clear her mind of those thoughts, remembering that she and Verosika were rivals now and she shouldn't be reminiscing of any good times they had in the past.

"This is your last boarding call...... all aboard." Verosika gave a salute and started to walk up-and-down the stage as she sang a song called 'Vacay To Bonetown'. The huge screens serving as her background said, 'FUCK YOU, BLITZA.'

"Dammit, that bitch started her goatish mating call." Blitza turned to a man who was puking on the sand. "What about this guy? Is he on the list? Lunie?"

"What? Uh yeah, I think so." Lunar said absently.

He was too busy staring at Verosika's bodyguard Vortex. He too was in a human disguise: a buff Black man with buzzcut hair and tattoos on his arms which either hadn't been there when he was a hellhound, or had been hidden under his fur (why would you get tattoos if they'll just be hidden under fur though???). He didn't look any less hot in the disguise. And as Lunar watched a drunken guy charge at Verosika and Vortex punched him unconscious before dragging him away, he got more turned on than ever before.

"Whoa, what are you? A female leprechaun?" The man asked drunkenly, grinning up at Blitza.

"Yeah. Pretty cool, huh? But you sure ain't gonna tell no-one." She said promptly before slicing his head in half.

"Who's next on the list? Lunar?" Blitza asked, but she turned to find Lunar had disappeared. She looked around, confused. "Where the fuck did he run off to?"

"Look!" Millie said, pointing at where Lunar had gone.

Lunar was walking through the crowd with his eyes fixed on Vortex, dodging around humans who were shamelessly making out with the succubi/incubi. He quickly checked his hair in a handheld mirror and straightened out his jacket. An incubus slid over and put an arm around Lunar's shoulders, smiling.

"Sorry, man, but "slutty twink" isn't my type." Lunar muttered before punching him out.

"Now who wants a piece of this?!" Verosika said, chucking her flask of beezlejuice into the crowd, which made them whoop in excitement. It bounced across the crowd and landed in the ocean, where the Hell-made liquid touched a fish and mutated it into a monster.

Lunar went over to Vortex and pushed Vortex's arm in greeting. "Hey... you."

"Oh, hey. You're the hound working for my boss's freaky ex, right?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry if that's weird."

"It's cool." Vortex said, his eyes still sharply on the lookout for anyone else trying to run at Verosika. "Her beef ain't mine. I'm not paid enough to care."

"Yeah." He picked at the studded bracelet on his wrist nervously. "I'm Lunar."

"Okay... I'm Vortex!" the taller hellhound said, mimicking Lunar's overenthusiastic tone.

"That's hot." Lunar said, then his face turned crimson as he realized how thirsty he sounded. "I mean, literally! Because vortexes, y'know, they give off heat. Probably. Right?"

Phew, nice save! He thought to himself.

"Uh, yeah. I guess." He chuckled. "But my friends call me Tex."

"Oh yeah? Wish I had friends! I mean... no, I mean, I don't... I... I don't have friends."

Well, it would be a lot harder to save himself from that one. But he didn't really have to, because Blitza popped up between the 2 hellhounds. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Nah, girl. We're just having a conversation." Vortex said.

"Well, conversation leads to HPV!"

Moxxie peeked from where he'd been hiding and he watched Blitza get overtaken by her motherly instincts, choosing to cockblock Lunar instead of doing their job. "Aaaaand we've lost her."

"Looks like it's up to us to handle this! Team M&M gettin' shit done, makin' the moneys!" Millie cheered and put an arm around him, which made him smile. The couple ran from rooftop to rooftop, killing humans on their list.

"Blitza, get outta here before someone sees you and we all get into shit!" Lunar said, looking around worriedly, but luckily nobody seemed to have noticed the red lady with horns talking to him.

"I'm just wondering what distracted you from your job!"

"What, I can't have a break?"

"There's no time for breaks! We have a parking spot on the line!" she said, lifting up a diagram of what they had to do with her tail.

"Hey, dude, why don't you chill?" Vortex asked.

"Why don't you stay out of it and just do your job of babysitting Verosika?" Blitza snapped back. "This is our business! Literally and figuratively!"

"Fuck, Blitza! Why can't you stay out of my face for 5 minutes?!" Lunar demanded.

"Because I ADOPTED you, you ungrateful little shitbag!" the woman shouted. "That should mean something!"

"You're not even my real mom!" He said. "And you didn't have to adopt me, I was almost 18!"

"Yeah, and about to get kicked out on your ass the moment you turned! You think that dog shelter would've helped you to get on your feet before saying bye to you?! No, you'd probably be homeless right now if it weren't for me!" Blitza said before turning her back on him.

Lunar growled in rage. "You're stupid if that's what you think! I would have been just fine, adopted or kicked out! I didn't need you then, bitch! And I sure as hell don't now!"

The mother and son kept their backs turned to each other for a minute before Lunar regretted what he'd just said. He turned around and said, "Hey, uh, Blitza... I'm sorry if I sounded like I—"

"Fine, Lunar." Blitza said coolly, lifting her chin. "Enjoy your break. Make it last as long as you want. I'm gonna go kill something."

"Damn, brother! That was savage. You okay?" Vortex asked, putting a hand on Lunar's shoulder. Lunar's face turned red as he got touched by Vortex for the first time.

"Uh, yeah. She'll get over it. That's just what she does."

"Glad you can stick up for yourself at least. Sure takes guts."

"Thanks." Lunar said, tucking some hair behind his ear. Despite Vortex telling him he did something he should be proud of, he felt nothing but shame as he watched Blitza march away. It's not that he didn't like Blitza, but anyone who's met Blitza would agree she can be annoying at times.

As Moxxie was still sneaking around to do his job, he and Millie went separate ways for a minute, and he got caught by some humans as he passed by a beer table.

"Oh my God, it's a fucking possum!" a lady said.

"Oh crumbs." Moxxie tried to run, but a man quickly scooped him up.

"I got it!" The man said, throwing Moxxie into a barrel full of beer. "Beer possum, beer possum, beer possum!" He and his friends cheered, volleying the barrel between themselves as they ran around.

Moxxie drank the beer and got drunk. Well, he's always been a lightweight, and there was a lot of beer in there with him. So by the time Millie found him, he was so drunk that he couldn't even stand up, he just washed up along with the remaining beer.

"Moxxie?"

"Millieeeeee~ Hi! Hey! Hey, when did you get 4 heads? I wanna kiss 'em." He made grabby hands at her head and kissed the air.

Millie grinned lovingly and pulled him up into her arms. But then the gigantic fish monster emerged from the ocean, spraying water everywhere in a 100-foot radius. Millie's eyes widened, Blitza looked up from where she'd been strangling someone, Verosika's crew looked up from their make-out sessions, and Verosika lifted her sunglasses to squint at the creature in confusion.

"Oh. Fish." Moxxie said before it reached out its tongue and grabbed him, pulling him into its mouth. "Heheheh... Weeeee!..." He slurred, too drunk to realize the danger he was in.

Millie immediately leapt into action to save her boyfriend. She grabbed a knife, jumped into the ocean and swam toward the fish, then sliced her way inside its body and pried open the mouth as she found Moxxie was still there, punching the fish's uvula but it wasn't making any difference. She reached her hand to him and he high-fived her instead, so she grabbed his hand and pulled him out. Moxxie closed his eyes and spread his arms as he flew through the air, but Blitza stepped forward and caught him in her arms.

"I love that woman..." Moxxie said as he watched Millie get out of the fish monster's mouth and start wrestling it.

Blitza smirked down at him. "She totally pegs you, doesn't she?"

Millie killed the fish monster before tiredly swimming back to the shore. "Oh yeah, way to show off, Mils!" Blitza said, rolling her eyes playfully.

"Is Mox okay?" she asked.

"He's fine." the boss said, handing Moxxie over to Millie.

"This is funny! I'm sooooo... drinky!" The boy slurred.

Millie laughed and hugged her drunken little idiot tightly.

"K, this is getting too wholesome for my taste." Blitza said, pulling a face.

"Blitz-A." Someone said from behind them.

"Oh, perfect. That must be the whores." Blitza said flatly, turning around to see the pop crew standing there.

"That was handled rather... obvious. Don't you think?" Verosika said.

"I don't think this belonged to any of us." Millie tossed the flask of beezlejuice at Verosika, who caught it and dropped it into the hand of one of her employees. "It would be a shame if anyone found out you guys were responsible for a giant fish monster in the human world."

"Oh Satan." Moxxie chuckled. "You'd all be so fucked."

Verosika shared a look with her crew. "Well, you 3 nasty-ass gremlins will be in shit for not being in disguises!"

Moxxie faceplanted into the sand in front of her, then lifted his head. "A human called me a possum. I am not a possum." he said before just faceplanting again.

"We could keep this little B-movie scene on the down-low if you agree to let us use that parking space~" Blitza said, holding out her palm as if she was expecting to be handed something.

Verosika's hands curled and uncurled in fists at her sides. If the imps ratted her out for creating a monster that terrorized the human world, she'd be in big trouble with demon law. It was strictly forbidden to let humans know that Hell and otherworldly beasts are real; humans are supposed to be left guessing if Heaven and Hell are real or not until the day they die and find out. Verosika's status as a famous popstar would probably save her from jailtime or anything like that, but she would definitely lose her license to keep coming to the human world. Permanently.

Was winning a bet against her stupid ex-girlfriend really worth never coming topside ever again? Obviously not.

"...Fine." she said through pursed lips.

"We fucking won!" Blitza screamed at the sky.

"Fuck yes!" Millie cheered, pumping her fist.

"In your face, BIIIIITCH!"

Verosika scoffed. "Come on, everyone, let's get out of here. Vortex!"

"Well, guess it's time to bounce." Vortex said to Lunar. "But hey, if you're ever down to party, I'll give you a ring sometime."

"Really?" Lunar asked eagerly, then he caught himself and remembered to play it cool. "I mean, yeah. Heh. Yeah."

"Yeah, my girlfriend throws a ton of crazy hound parties."

Girlfriend. Lunar couldn't stop the puppy-like whine that came out of his throat as he realized he'd been totally wrong when he thought for a moment that Vortex might be liking him back. He didn't like him. Not in a romantic way.

Welp, looks like I did all of that painfully awkward flirting only to get friendzoned in the end. Lunar thought. I fucking hate my life.

"Great." he said, forcing the smile to stay frozen on his face, even if it was strained now. "Can't wait for my first one."

Vortex chuckled and punched the shorter hellhound's arm as he left. "Let's get you some friends, boy."

Lunar let his shoulders slump as he watched Vortex go away, dismayed that his crush already had a partner.

"Come on, Lunie-Tunie! Let's go park our fat fucking car in our fat fucking space!" Blitza called cheerfully before hopping into the portal.

Lunar followed and let himself collapse into the portal. As Verosika was leaving, Blitza popped out of the portal and flipped her off. Verosika's eye twitched in anger and she turned around, giving the middle finger right back, before Blitza disappeared into the portal.

The pop crew walked off the beachy area and onto the streets, where a bunch of cop cars swiftly surrounded them with guns pointed.

"Put your hands up, you sick deviants! You're responsible for all these murders being committed here, aren't you?!" one cop said.

"Yeah, it's gotta be them! Nobody has seen them around these parts before!" another cop reasoned.

They obediently raised their hands. Oh, don't worry, they won't be going to jail. Of course not. Succubi still have their hypnotic powers, but the thing is those powers can only be activated through sex, so if they want to hypnotize these police officers into letting them go, they'll have to.....

"Allright, sluts. Get ready to suck a lot of pig dick." Verosika announced, making her crew sigh and groan in disgust and annoyance.

The end

Chapter Text

At the I.M.P. building, Moxxie and Millie were sitting in the other room and doing work. While Blitza was sorting through some clients' assassination orders and planning when exactly they'd get them done, she found it impossible to focus as she kept thinking about how she and Lunar butted heads at the beach. So she went over to the receptionist desk, where Lunar was napping with his head resting in his arms.

She lightly knocked her fist on his head. "Hey, wake up,"

"Hmm?" Lunar lifted his head and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Oh, sorry, Blitza. Didn't mean to fall asleep on the job. It's just that seducing all those whores on the beach tuckered me out."

"Yeah, no, I didn't come to berate you about that. I just wanted to ask you about what happened on the beach."

"With the girls I seduced?"

"No, with that hellhound dude you were flirting with!" Blitza poked her son's arm, grinning. "Sooooo how was it? Did you get his number? Did he add you on Sinstagram? Do you already have a date planned with him~?"

Lunar's expression soured just a little. "I... he's already dating somebody."

"Oh." Blitza said, shoulders slumping. "Guess that's not a surprise though. He was super hot, no wonder someone already snatched him up."

"Yeah." Lunar agreed, his eyes glued to the floor as he remembered the dismay he'd felt when Vortex had mentioned his girlfriend Bee. "Well, I'm just glad at least I found out in a way that's not too humiliating. At least I didn't ask him out or anything and then he laughed in my face and told me he's taken. Anyway, I gave him my number and said he'd ring me if there was a party."

"Wait, he invited you to party with him?"

"In a platonic way."

"Fuck, so you got friendzoned?"

Lunar sighed heavily, his ears drooping. "Guess I did."

"No no, it's fine!" Blitza said, realizing she was making him feel worse. She slid into the chair next to his. "There's tons of other hounds out there you'll be able to bag! But preferably ones who don't work for one of my exes."

Lunar drummed his fingers on his desk, wanting really badly to ask something but not sure how Blitza would feel about it. "So, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but what happened between you and Verosika Mayday? Judging by what she said, you broke up with her. And, well….. Mayday might be a bit mean, but she’s literally famous, rich, talented, gorgeous, and she’s gifted with both the ass and the tits of any demon’s dream. How the fuck did you pass up the oppurtunity to be with a girl like her?"

Blitza sighed. "So, one night me and Verosika went to a crazy party together, and we got drunk off our asses and covered in glitter from some genius thinking it's funny to set off glitter bombs everywhere. We were both too drunk to drive home, so we checked into a nearby hotel. We took a shower to wash the glitter off each other, and to fuck in the shower of course. Then when I helped her into her pyjamas and tucked her into bed, she grabbed my wrist and said, 'Blitza, I love you'. And I... I didn't know what to do."

Blitza paused the story for a second as she remembered Verosika's face when she'd said those 4 words. Heavily drunk, but that might've been the most vulnerable and honest she had ever seen the succubus be.

"I slept next to her because I was dead tired, but the next morning I woke up before she did, and I couldn't stop thinking about what she'd said. So far our relationship had been nothing but carefree parties and fun, nothing serious. Even when she tattooed my name on her arm it didn't feel serious! It terrified me to think I was with someone who loved me, and who I might be loving in return. I didn't even have room to feel guilty because I was so terrified. So I got in my car and left."

"With her credit card." Lunar added flatly.

Blitza finger-flicked him in the face. "Yes, with her credit card. But she really did say she didn't mind paying for my horse lessons before!" She sighed. "Anyway, I don't really regret breaking up with her because if I didn't... I would never have met you. The only reason I wanted to adopt a kid was because I was so sad and lonely after our break-up. Adopting you cured that loneliness in me, Lunie. That's why I'm so happy I did it, even if sometimes you wish I hadn't done it."

At the mention of how she adopted him, Lunar felt a stab of guilt.

"I've been meaning to tell you, about the way I acted earlier... You were right, I was being an ungrateful shitbag. I don't actually wish you didn't adopt me, Mom. Me and every other orphan always wished to be adopted from the moment we arrive at the shelter, so obviously I'm grateful you finally came along."

Blitza leapt from her chair, hugged him and gave him a merciless noogie. Lunar huffed and looked away, pretending to be annoyed, but Blitza wasn't blind. She could see that smile on his face.

Chapter Text

"Ugh, you've gotta be kidding." Blitza groaned dramatically as she watched a jingle about 3 cherubs from Heaven singing about how they wanted to help humans in the living world. Two of them were sheep who were admittedly kind of cute, but the third was a human baby with a voice that grated on Blitza's nerves. She shot the old-fashioned TV.

"Nice one, B!" Millie praised.

"Gimme another, Mox." the boss ordered.

Moxxie nervously swept away the burning debris and put another old-fashioned TV on the stand. The channel was 666 News.

Blitza poured gunpowder into her flintlock. "Eh, not feeling it. Next!"

Moxxie kept switching the channels and Blitza and Millie watched. When she came to a commercial about that Wally Wackford guy begging someone to come work for him, she said "Bingo!" and shot him.

"Wow, you are on a roll, ma'am!" Millie cheered.

Lunar was napping with his feet propped up on the desk when the ground started to shake and he woke up. "Whoa, guys, did you feel that?"

"Oh shit, is that a hellquake?" Blitza said.

"That's possible?" Moxxie asked.

"It's okay, Moxxie! Don't panic!" Millie said.

"I'm not "panicking", because hellquakes don't happen." He explained calmly.

"Stop getting hysterical, fatty!" Lunar screamed, shaking Moxxie before slapping him so hard he flew into the wall.

Moxxie survived bumping into the wall, but then a wrecking ball made of black tubes smashes the wall and the debris crushes Moxxie. A Sinner man dressed like some 1970s supervillain uses the tubes to lift himself up into the room. Lunar gets on all fours and growls defensively. "Do not be afraid!" the Sinner said.

Blitza looked at her destroyed wall in dismay. "Please tell me you got that insurance thing."

Millie pulled out her axe. "Who are you and what do you want?!"

"I am Loopty Goopty! Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!"

"Could've just used the door, dude. It doesn't have to be this whole thing." Lunar huffed while using his phone.

"I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric shit!" Loopty said, waving his arms around.

Blitza sniffed the air and pulled a face. "Ugh, this old fucker reeks of the living world! Did you just die?"

"Yes! Moments ago, in fact!" Loopty said.

"Just saying, the front door would've gotten you here fine." Lunar insisted.

"Shut up, dear furry!" Loopty said.

"Furry?" Lunar held his arm up in Loopty's face, pinching his skin and fur in demonstration. "This isn't a fursuit, you dumb shit! This is my fucking flesh that I— and literally all hellhounds— are born with. *Scoff* You're lucky I'm so nice. A lotta hellhounds would turn you into a chew toy for calling them furries."

Loopty casually shoved Lunar away and turned back to Blitza. "This is the man I need you to kill~!" he sang, showing her a photo of a disgusting old bald dude in a hospital bed.

"Not even a shit's length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge! I can respect a man with that sort of passion." Blitza shook his hand. "I'm Blitza, the A is silent."

"What A?" Loopty asked in confusion.

"Aww, thank you! Now what's the tea, sis?" Blitza asked, shaking her hips in a sassy way.

"The tea?" Loopty asked, too old to understand that kind of slang.

"Guys, help!" Moxxie begged as he was still crushed under the debris. But they were more fascinated to hear about Loopty's beef with this guy.

"Yeah, why are we killin' this guy? What did he do to you?" Blitza asked, elbowing the Sinner.

"Losing... oxygen..." Moxxie said weakly.

"He was my business partner. You see, I was not always an old man."

Loopty told the story of how him and Lyle made a machine to reverse the aging process and tested it on themselves, but they accidentally made the machine age them forwards instead of backwards. Loopty died of a heart attack due to his old age, but Lyle survived and became a trillionaire.

"Ehhh, that's not really evil." Blitza said.

"Well, it's evil toward me!" Loopty replied.

"Everything is going... dark..." Moxxie said from where he's still under the debris.

"Now get your crimson asses up there and send that heartless, no-good son of a bitch where he belongs!" Loopyy said.

Blitza clucked her tongue. "You do know, Poopty—"

"Loopty!" he corrected angrily.

"Of course, of course. If we kill him, and he ends up down here, you do know you'll be stuck with him forever."

"Oh, trust me." Loopty said darkly, then brought out a bunch of missiles, guns and sawblades. "I'm counting on it."

"That's kinda hot." Moxxie said, giving the thumbs-up.

***

Blitza remembered how Lunar scolded them for not having human disguises on their last mission. She didn't have an Asmodean Crystal to give her a human disguise, but it'll be better if they don't stand out too much, so she got a bunch of coats and wigs for her and M&M to wear.

They rode a tour bus and Moxxie looked through a pair of binoculars to see Lyle's mansion. "Gee, I wonder whose house that is." He said sarcastically.

"Let's do this, gang!" Blitza said.

They pulled out their weapons and jumped off the tour bus, landing in poses. "Let's kill this rich guy!" Millie said.

"And here you'll see 3 tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder! Things like this could happen to rich people all the time!" The tour guide announced. The crowd oohed and took pictures instead of being concerned for Lyle.

Lyle was in bed with IVs attached to him, looking fondly at a picture of cash as he prepared to hang himself.

"Oh, looks like we don't have to do a thing." Blitza said.

"Should we go in there and tie it for him?" Moxxie asked.

The imps stood there and watched Lyle do their job for them. But suddenly the noose lit up in a white light and it exploded, revealing the 3 cherubs Blitza had been watching on TV earlier.

"Oh Lord, I'm being haunted by ugly orphan children now," Lyle groaned.

"Who the fuck are those guys?" Blitza demanded, squinting through the window.

"Oh no." Moxxie said. "Ma'am I think those are—"

"We're cherubs, Mr. Lyle!" Keenie said.

"I hate filthy, stinking orphan children." Lyle said, shaking his fist.

"We're here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir!" Collin said. "To grant you a blessing on behalf of those in Heaven.

"Oh HELLLLL NO!" Blitza rolled up her sleeve and pulled out her flintlock pistol before marching through the window. "DON'T LISTEN—"

She miscalculated how far down the floor was and ended up faceplanting onto it.

Moxxie came in through the door. "Lyle Lipton, it is our—" He glanced at Blitza on the floor full of glass shards, wondering why his boss had to be such a dumbass sometimes. "It is our humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die."

"I mean what do you expect to do with all this money now that you're old and gross?" Millie added.

"He could help spread his wealth around the world and do so much good with it and be so fulfilled!" Keenie suggested. She flew around the room and tossed Lyle's dollar bills into the air like confetti.

"Noooo!" Lyle moaned.

"He could help pay for new hospitals and schools!" Collin added.

"Why won't you let me die?" Lyle asked, hugging his blanket to himself.

"Looks like you need help offing yourself there, buddy." Blitza said. "No problem. Mox, what do we got for this fella?"

"I have some assault weapons, crossbow, hunting bow, Tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in 3 colours, chainsaws, katanas—" Moxxie listed as he pulled out said weapons.

"He's classier than that!" Collin insisted. Lyle put the assault rifle in his mouth before Collin took it from him. "There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle!"

"Yeah, right. Smells like he hasn't been out of bed in months." Millie said before sniffing the air and throwing up while Moxxie rubbed her back soothingly.

"Life can be beautiful at any age!" Cletus said.

"Yeah, and we're gonna show him!" Keenie said.

***

The cherubs roll Lyle's bed to a hill overlooking a forest and lake.

"Look around, Lyle! God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age! Or wealth!" Cletus said.

"If you were to end your life, you'd be missing all this!" Collin said.

"Mm-hm. You gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?" Blitza asked, appearing in a black cat costume. The costume had black fur with a white splotch on the tummy, a fluffy tail, a magenta collar with a bell on it, and magenta ribbons tied around the waist, ankles and wrists.

Keenie gasped and covered her mouth with both hands. "That is so inappropriate!"

"Oh, kiss our asses, prude!" Millie said, giving the middle fingers. She and Moxxie were in cat costumes too, hers being a pink cat with a fluffy tail and a pentagram on the collar, and his being a black and white cat with his bow-tie still on.

Blitza pushed Lyle aside and sat down. "Aaaaanyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close."

She gives Lyle a pair of binoculars so he can watch a group of adorable bunnies and squirrels. But the bunnies are suddenly eaten by hungry wolves.

"Ohhhhh no!" Lyle said.

"Stop looking!" Collin tried to take the binoculars away.

"I can't stop! I've never wanted to die more than I do now!"

A bear claws the wolf to death. The bear is killed by a tree that a lumberjack chops down. A beehive falls on the lumberjack's head and bees swarm him, and he accidentally cuts his own arms off with the chainsaw, making him scream louder. Then his body is skewered by a charging stag.

Lyle and the cherubs looked horrified. Blitza put her hands on her cheeks, pretending to be all horrified before smiling.

"Uh, let's go check out someplace else!" Cletus suggested with a forced smile.

M&M fist-bumped.

***

The cherubs pushed Lyle's bed into a shopping mall. "Oh, where are we now?! Let me perish!" he said.

"We're here to show you another thing life is worth living for: childhood wonderment!" Keenie told him.

Keenie motions at a crowd of children standing around a guy dressed like Santa Claus. Most of them are being disgusting and obnoxious, because a lot of young kids are like that, but they're also clearly having fun and not stressed/worried about anything.

"Look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin." Lyle said. "Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood. And their middle-class existence! Such simple joy they have... It's inspiring. Thank you for showing me this."

"Hey, dipshits!" Blitza called to the kids.

The 3 demons stood by the Santa actor. Blitza wore a slutty Santa Claus costume, a Santa Claus hat over her horn, and she had ornamental snowflakes put into her hair. Millie wore an elf costume. Moxxie wore a reindeer onesie and he was super grumpy because the girls had teased him so much about how cute he looked as a reindeer.

"Wanna see whose lap you're sitting on?!" Blitza asked before ripping off the guy's costume.

He's revealed to be an ugly, sweaty, filthy gnome wearing a #Cuties shirt and underwear. He makes a gnome noise. The kids scream and run away.

"That's right, get your asses outta here before this pedophile does something awful to you!" Blitza encouraged. "How the fuck did a degenerate like him sneak in here and be allowed to work with children anyway?!"

Lyle cries like a baby as the cherubs struggle to cover his eyes.

***

The cherubs bring Lyle into the woods, where a sign reads "Lovers' Lookout (I guess...)". There were cars everywhere, most of them containing teenagers in school uniforms who had borrowed their parents' cars so they could impress their crushes/boyfriends/girlfriends. The teens were steamily making out in there, or maybe doing more.

"Egh! This place reeks of teenagers!" Lyle said.

"Lovers' Lookout, sir! We're here to remind you of life's greatest joy of all!" Cletus said.

"Money!" Lyle said.

"No! Love!"

"I've never been in love before... I imagine it's quite nice." Lyle said.

"It's not too late, sir!" Collin said. "You can still find—"

"Hah! Nice try, ugly!" Blitza said.

Blitza wore a schoolgirl uniform that fitted in with the uniforms the other kids were wearing. It had a plaid skirt, a white blouse with a pattern of blue blossoms on the scooped collar, and there was a blue ribbon tied on the back of her head. She also carried a purple knapsack with badges pinned to it, one badge reading "#GIRLBOSS", one badge reading "I.M.P.", one badge having the pansexual flag, and one badge having a pentagram.

Moxxie and Millie wore the same thing as her and they carried knapsacks too. Millie's knapsack was green and Moxxie's was blue. And yes, Moxxie had been given the choice to wear the boys' uniform instead, but he said he didn't mind wearing this one. Makes him feel beautiful.

[A/N: it didn't make much sense for them to dress in ballgowns. Makes more sense to dress in school uniforms to fit in]

"Megaphone." Blitza commanded, holding out her hand, and Moxxie handed the megaphone to her. "Hey, horny lovers! Which of you would fuck this old man?!"

All the cars sped away.

"Surprise, surprise." Blitza smirked, examining her manicured nails.

"You know you three are so utterly c-c-cruel!" Collin told them. "We're just trying to give hope to someone in need!"

"Oh, and you three are so superior to us just because we want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian capitalist to keel over dead?" Moxxie counter-attacked.

"K, you're making things too real now, Mox." Blitza sprayed him in the face with a bottle labelled 'Piss'.

***

In an auditorium, a lady dressed as a Viking and with a fake unicorn on her lower torso sang opera. A well-dressed man played piano behind her. The audience was also well-dressed, except for the cherubs and Lyle who only wore a bow tie over his previous clothes.

"Behold! The wonderment of art and music!" Cletus said. "Something always there to comfort, entertain, and live for!"

Above the stage, the 3 demons looked down from a catwalk near the ceiling. Blitza used a pair of opera glasses to look down, wagging her butt and tail like a cat.

"So, how do we make this bad?" Millie asked.

"We can't. There's literally nothing bad about opera. That's a fact." Moxxie said, defending opera with his life.

"Unless we ruin it somehow!" Blitza said, shaking her butt in Moxxie's face with a chuckle.

Blitza grabbed the spotlight and moved it away from the opera singer. She followed it, wanting to remain in the spotlight, but Blitza kept on moving it away from her so she had to run back and forth.

"She's not very good." Lyle said.

Blitza kept aggressively shaking the spotlight, but gasped when she accidentally broke it off and it ended up falling and crushing the opera singer. The audience screamed. But the pianist nervously kept on playing.

"Did not mean to do that... but at least we made it bad." Blitza shrugged.

"THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD IT! You 3 monsters have messed with us enough!" Cletus yelled as he and the other cherubs flew upwards.

"We're just trying to do our j-j-j-j-job!" Collin snapped.

"Well, so are we!" Blitza said. "The client paid in advance and I spent it all on this *pulls out bejewelled horse with sunglasses and "Marijuana" on its cap* so he's gotta go!"

"ENOUGH! We are saving that shitty old man's life whether he wants it or not!" Cletus said, and the 3 cherubs summoned golden crossbows into their hands.

Keenie flew down to get right in Blitza's face. "You all are such disgusting, loathsome beasts! Your kind is nothing but dirt shitty dead people thread on! And now you're trying to meddle with the lives of humans?!"

Blitza couldn't think of a comeback that quickly. But Millie could, so she lifted Blitza out of the way and grabbed Keenie by her pink beaded necklace. "So are you! So why don't you shut your trap, you judgemental, cotton candy, tit-having BITCH!"

Keenie floated there for a second, registering how hard she'd been roasted. Then she decided you can't be a cute little angel all the time and she tackled Millie, choking the shit out of her. "FILTHY DEMON CRAP!"

The girls fell off the walkway as they fought. Moxxie and Blitza dodged glowing gold arrows shot at them and jumped off the walkway. Moxxie swung down from a rope and saw Millie and Keenie falling together. Millie punched Keenie, Keenie punched Millie, then Moxxie shot at a sandbag and it fell on Keenie. He caught Millie in his arms and they started to tongue-kiss as Millie shot around the air with a shotgun. Collin and Keenie followed them through the air, trying to shoot with their crossbows.

Blitza saw Millie's bra and Moxxie's bow tie fly through the air. She rolled her eyes. "Do you idiots really think now is the time for a dry-humping session?"

"It's all starting to make sense now." Lyle said as he watched the fight between the demons and angels. "Life is worth living because we only have one. We must cherish it. If creatures far beyond this mortal realm are willing to go to these lengths over my life, then surely it must be worth living. Besides, I'm still rich! I can just buy all the things! I no longer crave death!"

The crowd cheered for him, but then a stray bullet shot a woman in the eye, killing her.

Blitza ran along the metal scaffolding with her flintlock pistol in hand. She jumped onto a bit of scaffolding secured to the ceiling by a rope, and she and Cletus faced each other with their weapons pointed. She tried to shoot Cletus, but her gun was out of bullets. Panicked, she threw the flintlock at his face.

"Oof! You fucker!" he said.

Momentarily blinded, Cletus accidentally shoots the scaffolding Blitza was standing on and M&M were swinging from. The 3 imps fall with the metal scaffolding as it smashes into the stage near the pianist, cartoonishly bending a board so it holds the piano up at an angle. The pianist finally stops playing, so he straightens his bow tie and calmly steps down.

The piano flew into the air and the demons and angels all followed it with their eyes, too shocked to even move. Lyle screamed and got out of the way, but the piano followed him and killed him.

"Well, well, would ya loooook at that. You did our job for us. Heh!" Moxxie said smugly. Millie showed both middle fingers.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my God." Collin panicked.

"Get a hold of yourself, Collin!" Keenie said, grabbing his shirt and slapping him back and forth. "And do not use the Lord's name in vain!"

"This isn't over!" Cletus yelled, pointing a finger towards the demons.

The cherubs opened a portal to Heaven and flew towards it as Millie blew a silent raspberry at them. But a moment after they got in, they were expelled back out.

"Hey, what the—" Cletus said.

The angels in charge of the C.H.E.R.U.B. business flew out. They were all super cute and adorable, but they were here to deliver some shitty news to their employees.

"Mm, yeah, no, sorry, Cletus." Dearie said. "I'm afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human, so I'm afraid you can't re-enter Heaven! Yeahhhh, nooooo, sorry."

"WHAT?!" The cherubs shouted. They had no idea this rule existed when they signed up for this job.

"Yeahhhhh, mm, sorry. Yeahhhhh, nooooo." Dearie went on, not sounding that regretful.

"Is there anything we can do?" Collin asked desperately.

Dearie filed her hoof. "Yeahhhh, nooooo." she said absently.

"B-But we didn't mean to! We would never! It was all—" Keenie pointed toward the demons, but they had already vanished.

"Anyway, sorry, guys. But those are the rules! Yeahhhh, bye!" Dearie said before she and the others went into the portal and shut it behind them.

"Wait, but—!" Cletus started, then he burst into tears. So did Collin and Keenie, and they huddled together.

"Don't worry, guys. Heaven can't kick us out forever." Keenie said, her eyes hard with determination despite the tears in them. "All we have to do is save enough souls to get us taken back! We know how to do that, and if we ever run into those rotten imps again....."

"Oh, we'll give 'em what they deserve!" Cletus said, pounding a fist into his palm.

***

"Welp, the old dude wanted to live and we didn't kill him, so we failed." Blitza said as they were back in the I.M.P. office. "Thanks to those fuckin' cherubs, he's probably up in Heaven now. All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner, but now the pair are forever separated, and now we gotta face the fire of fuckin' up."

"Ma'am, when are you gonna tell the client?" Moxxie asked.

"Oh, I already sent him a text!" she pointed to her phone. "And no need to worry, because texts don't make people angry!"

Moxxie gets out of the way as a metal escalator smashes the wall behind him. "Bliiiiitza!" Loopty says as he comes down.

"Loofaaaaa!" Blitza says worriedly. "We can explain everything! I was—"

Another escalator comes down, this one squashing Moxxie. Lyle comes down in his Sinner form.

"Lyle Lipton?!" the 2 female imps say in shock.

"I don't understand! I thought you went to Heaven!" Millie said.

"Heaven? Oh no, you don't make millions in technological advances without experimenting on the poor!" Lyle said.

"You heartless, no-good son of a bitch!" Loopty elbowed Lyle's arm. "Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!" He said to the imps.

"Only question is, what do 2 old genius inventors do now that we're in Hell?" Lyle said.

Wally Wackford crashes through the ceiling. "Did someone say, I say, inventors? I'm looking for creative new people to exploit— I mean, employ!"

"Everyone, STOP FUCKING UP MY WALLS!" Blitza cried. "Moxxie's gonna have to fix all this shit!"

Moxxie foamed at the mouth in response.

"Moxxie, if you kiss my ass any harder, you'll go right inside me." Blitza huffed. "Satan's balls. First we deal with Heaven's table scraps, now this?"

"Guess you can say you have a holey operation here, Blitz-A!" Wally Wackford said, then burst out laughing.

"Get out." The imp woman ordered.

Wally laughed harder and fell on the floor.

"No, I'm serious. GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The end

Chapter Text

🐺LUNAR🐺

🤡FIZZAROLLIA, the sassy, feisty jester🤡

❤️‍🔥ASMODEOUS, the queen of lust❤️‍🔥

🦚STELLAR, the terrible peacock dude🦚

***

And here's artwork I drew. Blitza is literally the queen of third-wheeling, so here's her third-wheeling like a champ with M&M

***

And here's her third-wheeling like a boss with M&M and Fizzarollia and Asmodeous

***

And here's a pic of them at the pride parade. I made them holding hands in the same position M&M were holding hands in the official pride parade pic. (Don't ask what Blitza is meant to be standing on, idk 😭)

(So fucking annoying how the quality gets blurred. Maybe I can fix it later)

Thanks for stopping by. I hope I don't have to worry about my silly artwork getting stolen or whatever happens online sometimes (yes, I am still nervous/scared about drama like that happening XD).

And I hope y'all have the best day ever *blows kisses* 😘

Chapter Text

"EAT MY SHIT, SPIDER!" Blitza yelled as she wildly tapped both thumbs on her phone, which was held horizontally in her hands while her feet were propped up on her desk. She was lost in the digital world of her video game, where her avatar was pummeling a giant spider with fireballs.

"No no no, crap!" She cried as the spider managed to dodge her next fireball, then it punched her avatar, which knocked the avatar 10 feet backwards and made her lose 5 health points. She struggled to get to her feet before the spider came close enough to land a 2nd strike on her.

"Am I interrupting something important?" A voice demanded irritably.

Blitza looked up to see a Sinner standing before her, scowling at her with his arms crossed. He was a man dressed in thick wintery clothing and cracked goggles on his head, with icicles dripping off him, light blue skin, darker blue horns on his head and a tail.

"Yes, yeah, sorry!" she said, quickly tossing her phone aside and sitting up more primly. "You— ugh, you stink of the living world! Did you just die?"

"Yes. And I came here as soon as I could because I need a job done as fast as possible." the man said.

"What is it?"

"So I'm a researcher, and me and my crew were travelling to Antarctica to study the wildlife there. But when I—"

"Antarctica?" Blitza asked. "Oh, sir, I hope you're not asking us to go there! We're cold-blooded creatures, we'll freeze to death!"

"Shut up and listen!" he snapped. "I went off on my own for a day to study something, but I got killed by a pack of rabid beasts. I tried to shoot them with the gun I was carrying but there were just too many. They weren't anywhere near my crewmates' campsite, but I just know they'll travel over there soon, and I doubt my crew will have a chance if they're totally unprepared. So I need you impish creatures to go up there and warn them before it's too late."

Blitza groaned. "My complexion is gonna get all pale and pasty as shit from all that cold. The things I do for this company..." she grabbed her megaphone and shouted into it, which made the man wince and cover his ears. "M&M, run home and grab your warmest jackets and snowboots! We're going to Antarctica!"

***

Soon M&M were dressed in matching dark green jackets and gloves, while Blitza wore a shimmering silver coat with a black hoodie underneath it and purple gloves.

"Okay, Lunie, read the spell." Blitza ordered as she zipped up her coat.

Lunar, who had been sitting at the desk using his phone, looked up at Blitza in surprise. Moxxie and Millie also paused what they were doing as they heard that.

They all blinked at their boss, not saying a single word in fear of seriously upsetting her, waiting for her to remember it by herself.

Blitza wondered why her employees were looking at her like that until she remembered. "Oh right." she mumbled, a pang of hurt striking her. "I... I don't have the book anymore. All I have is... *ahem* Right."

She went to her office, pulled the Asmodean Crystal from her desk drawer and tied it to her wrist. She tried not to think too much about Starla or their breakup or how awful she'd felt as she watched Starla kiss another person. Then she caressed it until it opened a portal.

The imps landed on the snowy ground of Antarctica, immediately getting chilled to the bone by the freezing winds. Millie hugged herself and whimpered.

"Christ on a stick, I'm freezing my little red t-t-tits off!" Blitza said. "W-Where is that thing supposed to be?"

"The client said it was near the research station." Millie said.

"Th-that research station?" Moxxie asked, pointing to McMurdo station where the door was swinging open and shut. "Oh crumbs, that can't be good."

They went to the station and found the corpses of the researcher's crew, all killed gruesomely.

"These guys were torn to shreds!" Millie said. "I've seen Wrath beasts less brutal than this."

"What and/or who could've done this?" Moxxie wondered.

They heard a roar and turned to see a silhouette.

"That, probably." Blitza said. "Okay, Moxxie, get up top, Millie, cover the entrances, I got it here."

"Yes, ma'am." Moxxie said, getting into position. He looked to see a giant leopard seal running toward them.

"You got him, Mox?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"Sweet, let's turn him into some swiss cheese!" Blitza said.

Blitza fired her gun at the seal but her shots didn't hurt it badly enough to stop it. Moxxie fired his own gun, missed the shot, then took a deep breath and fired again. This time he blew the seal's head clean off.

"Good job, Mox!" Blitza cheered. "Eat shit in Hell, polar slut! Heh heh. Now let's get out of this frozen fuckhole."

"Hold on, Blitza." Millie got down on her knees to examine the corpse. "Look at these marks. They weren't made by no bullets. And here, bite marks."

"Sh-sh-sh-shit." Blitza said.

"Uh, what? What's the problem?" Moxxie asked.

"This creature wasn't running toward us." Blitza said as she prepared for another fight.

"He was running away... from something else." Millie finished.

"Look!" Moxxie said, pointing to a penguin standing on top of the glacier.

"Drop him!" Blitza barked, and Moxxie obeyed. But when the penguin had been killed, a whole horde of them showed up behind it. "Shit. Fuck, that's like 10."

"Well, maybe those ones are nice." Millie tried.

The penguins squawked at each other a bit, then they started to yell slurs and charged at the imps.

"They're not! Run!" Blitza said, dashing into the research station.

"Mox! Come on!" Millie cried, pulling the boy into the research station.

Blitza barricaded the door with heavy objects. As her employees held off the penguins, the female imp sat down against the wall and tried to rub her Asmodean Crystal so they could escape. She banged her fist on it but only sparks flew out. "Fucking wrist crystal!"

"What's the hold up, Blitza?" Millie asked worriedly.

"I can't just make it go, okay? I'm still getting used to this fucking thing!" she said as she squirmed around, desperately trying to do various things to do the crystal.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!" she said as she chomped her teeth around the crystal and fell down.

"It's from Lust! You can't just brute-force it. You gotta treat it right! Caress it." Millie instructed.

"I dunno, I've never been good at this shit." Blitza admitted.

"Use your tongue!" Millie told her.

"How do you not know how to do this?" Moxxie demanded.

"Moxxie, I'm a fucking top!" Blitza explained.

"Try spelling the alphabet." he said, blushing as he remembered the 1st time he'd tried doing that on Millie. That had been hella awkward (but he believed he'd gotten better at it now).

"A, B, C—"

"With your tongue!" Millie snapped, exasperated.

"I knew that." Blitza said, embarrassed. "Yeah, I’ve done this tons of times with Starla."

She tried to do it, but the couple just stared at her, unable to believe how clumsy she was with her tongue.

"I SWEAR me and Starla have done this on each other before!" Blitza insisted. "We’ve tongued the alphabet on each other lots of times! I just can’t do it now because I… I’m feeling a little out-of-shape and I—"

"Oh for Satan's sake." Moxxie interrupted, just giving up.

He didn't want to do this because it was embarrassing as hell, but he decided he would prefer to be humiliated than be eaten alive by rabid penguins. He walked over to Blitza, grabbed her left hand in both of his, and began to voluptuously caress the crystal with his tongue.

Blitza sat there, speechless, as she watched Moxxie. His eyes were shut as he fixated on the crystal, only the crystal, as if his sole purpose in life was to lick the shit out of that thing. It's obvious this man knows how to give his women the real princess treatment.

"Oh damn....." she whispered, blushing up a storm.

"I taught him that!" Millie bragged as she was still struggling to hold the door shut.

"You really are the luckiest girl in Hell, Mils!" Blitza grinned and punched Millie's shoulder with her free hand.

The portal opened and Moxxie got up, thoroughly unimpressed. "Can we go please?"

The girls went in. Moxxie followed, face buried in his gloved hands in embarrassment. But then Blitza noticed a leaking gas canister in the corner of the shed.

"Well, gang, looks like we failed our mission. We were too late to save the client's crewmates, but we can avenge their deaths." Blitza nodded toward the gas canister, smirking.

Millie lit a match. "EAT THIS, BITCHES! HAH!" she screamed before throwing it in and laughing maniacally as the fire spread.

The shed exploded, killing all the penguins. All except one, who shook its fist at the sky and yelled slurs.

The end

Chapter Text

"Lemme get this straight." Blitza said into her phone, twirling a lock of black hair around her finger as she spoke. "You want me to kill this Emberlynn Pinkle person because she wrote a super popular fanfiction about some anime dude called Shawnathan dating his stepsister Scribbleson 7 years ago???"

"Yeah, did I stutter?" The girl on the other end asked. "Shawnathan is way better off with Blorbinzo, just watch episode 17 and you’ll understand everything. Blorbinzo is the love of his life, not his very own stepsister!"

"Let me just check something.” Blitza typed on her laptop, googling the title of the anime they were talking about. “It says here this anime ended years ago. It was only 1 season long, although it was a pretty long season. It says here it was one of the most popular shows of the year it was released, but I highly doubt it’s popular anymore. So….. why are you still holding a grudge against Emberlynn for whatever she wrote?"

"Because she was a fucking idiot to write it! I don’t understand how anyone with eyeballs could think Shawnathan and Scribbleson belong together! I know it's not real incest, but—"

"Babe, you do realize these anime characters themselves aren't real, right? They're not even real people, never mind if a ship between them is "real incest". Goodness gracious, y'all have to get out and touch grass once in a while! You live in a fantasy world!"

The girl growled in rage. "Look, do you want the dough or not?"

"I think you should pay me double for doing a job as stupid as this."

"Fuck it, fine, I'll pay ya double. Now get your ass into gear and kill that incest-shipper!" She yelled before hanging up.

Blitza personally didn't see why you have to put a hit on someone just for writing a fanfiction that became more popular than yours while being about a ship you hate, and also this happened SEVEN years ago. But she's loyal to her job, so she went to Rockview USA and found the house. Millie called her when she got there.

"Hey, ma'am, sure you don't need help with this one?"

"Yeah, I don't need help. She's just a suburban college girl."

"But targets fight back sometimes!" Millie insisted. "And sometimes they can—"

"Millie, go enjoy that bullshit musical and stop tryin' to use me as an excuse to get out of it!" Blitza said. "If I had to sit through that miserable French hog shit then so do you!"

"Millieeeeee, come on, the auditorium is opening!" Moxxie squealed excitedly.

Blitza chuckled as she imagined how irritated Millie must be, but obviously she'd hide it behind a smile for her husband's sake. "Bye, Mils!"

Blitza went to the window and saw a couple watching TV together. The woman looked older than 25, and she didn't match the description of the target, so this was probably the target's mother or something. The imp woman scaled a tree and looked into the upstairs window, where a girl was watching something on a computer with cat-ear headphones. This one had pastel blue hair and looked around 25, so it's probably Emberlynn.

Blitza came into the room and snuck over to Emberlynn. It was easy-peasy, as her headphones stopped her from even hearing Blitza approach.

"I like killing, shooting things, I'll use a saw, I'll use a fork too!~ Da dun, dada. I like killing with any kind of weapon, give me a knife and I'll kill someone and today it's gonna be a stupid bitch!~" She sang softly.

She tried to stab Emberlynn but a forcefield knocked her backwards. She landed hard on her butt with a grunt. "Oof! Hey, what the fuck?!"

Emberlynn fell over, the headphones tumbling off her ears, and turned around.

"Oh." she said, putting her hands on her cheeks and her eyes widening in interest. "Ohhhh."

Downstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Pinkle heard the noise.

"Ugh, must be watching them damn hen-tays again." Mr. Pinkle said in disgust.

"Why won't she leave?!" Mrs. Pinkle cried.

Mr. Pinkle hugged his wife closer. "Don't worry, honey, we talked about this. We're just waitin' till she finishes college. Then we'll put all those monsterfucking things out on the lawn and tell her to move outta our house. No more excuses."

Mrs. Pinkle shook her head. "Graduation day just cannot come soon enough."

Emberlynn stared at Blitza with wide eyes. "Oh my God! What are you?"

"I'M YOUR WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE, BITCH!" Blitza said, grabbing her knife and charging forwards, only to get knocked back by the forcefield again. "Fuck. How are you doing this? What is that?"

Emberlynn picked up the pendant she wore, which was circle-shaped with angel wings on the sides, and had an upside down pentagram on it. "It's official merch from "Akuma no Otto", given to Setsuki in episode 569 that protects its wearer from— wait, are you a demon? Like, a real demon?"

Blitza tilted her head and stared at the pendant. "Yeah, basically. But I'd seriously like to know where you got that from—"

"A demon!" Emberlynn squealed, doing a weird-ass little dance as she talked. "Here to steal a little kitten like me? Forced to be part of your master's demonic harem... blushes."

"What? I don't have a "master" and I don't know about any harems. Why would you think I—"

Then Blitza looked around, noticing the monsterfucking shit all over the room, including a book that said 'My First Time With An Eldritch Horror' and a statue of a lady and a dragon together and a body pillow of Chtulhu wearing lingerie panties. "Oh." She said flatly. "You're one of those."

"So what's your name?"

"Blitz."

She put a hand on her forehead dramatically. "What are you gonna do to me, Blitzy-Kun?"

"Apparently nothing while you're wearing that."

She leaned against the shelf, acting like she was about to faint. "I don't feel like myself! Are you putting some kind of... nasty spell upon me?"

"What? No. I'm literally just standing here, lady."

"If you say so, mistress." she said, crawling forwards. "But when you look into my eyes, it's like I have no control over my— NO!" She abruptly slapped Blitza.

"Ow! What the fuck, dude?!" the imp glared as she rubbed her cheek.

"You demonic wretch! I'm too pure of heart to be corrupted by you!"

"Pure of heart? Pffft!" Blitza snorted. "The body pillow of Cthulhu sticking out his lingerie-clad ass says otherwise! And the fact you wrote or used to write fanfiction of sibling characters boning each other. You're a freak and you can't deny it, toots! Satan have mercy......."

"Satan?" Emberlynn asked, eyes glassy. "Is that your lord? The one who sent you up here to collect me and give me to him as a sexual sacrifice?"

Blitza opened her mouth to correct her, but Emberlynn already had an idea for a book or fanfiction. She went to the computer to type it down.

"But once you captured me and dragged me down to Hell, you realize you could never go through with it because you have already seen far too many women fall victim to Satan's infernal clutches! Many of them were brought to him by you yourself, and the guilt has been eating you alive! And... oh, and you used to be one of them! Yes, you used to be one of Satan's concubines before he decided to make you his messenger instead, so you know firsthand how brutal and merciless he is, and you decide to break the cycle by sparing me from the same fate!

Instead you fight Satan and then take me back to your house to hide, where I meet your husband."

"My... husband?" Blitza asked.

"Your husband looks like you do, only he's much taller and has shaggy black hair and dragon-like wings on his back!" Emberlynn said as she kept on typing. "Yes, he is quite the tall handsome stranger. And once he meets me, he falls for me immediately! He takes care of me and helps me get used to being in Hell, and he decides to ask me to be in a poly relationship so he can remain happily married to you but still make love to me everynight!"

"Okay, Ember, that's enough." Blitza said firmly. "I am not here to force you into a sex cult or give you to Satan. I've never even met the guy, he's way too busy to associate with imps like me! I am here to kill you."

"You want to kill... me?" Emberlynn asked with excitement rather than terror.

"Yup." Blitza said curtly.

"Of course! You want to take me to Hell so you can stand up to Satan and show him he can't keep stealing the virginities of innocent little women such as myself, but there is no way you can do that if I'm still alive! You have to kill me to bring my mortal soul down to Hell where we will go on a quest side-by-side!"

Blitza rolled her eyes. "Whatever gets you there! Can you just take off the necklace and hand over my knife?"

"Yes, mistress.*Gasps* No, I mustn't! But I want to! No, my soul... But I'm destined for this!"

"You know what, fuck it." Blitza threw her hands into the air. "This isn't worth being paid double. I'm out, bitch."

She turned and walked to the window. She'd tell the client that Emberlynn was just too much cringe to deal with so the job was impossible to get done.

But Emberlynn let out a guttural shriek and threw herself at Blitza, the sudden weight nearly making Blitza fall down onto her face. The imp turned around in surprise, raising an eyebrow, as Emberlynn clung to her desperately.

"No! Please don't! I cannot BEAR to return to a silent, mundane life now that I have become acquainted to demons such as yourself! Please, Blitzy-Kun!"

"Wouldja get off me?" Blitza grunted, trying to shake herself out of Emberlynn's hug.

Emberlynn slid down onto the floor, now kneeling at Blitza's feet. Her hands were clutching Blitza's skirt. Blitza just crossed her arms, unimpressed. "PLEEEEEEEEASE, MISTRESS! PLEASE TAKE ME TO HELL WHERE MY FATE BECKONS ME! Please oh please! I belong in Hell with you and your husband!"

"I don't even have a husband, dumbass." Blitza muttered.

Emberlynn crawled over to pick up Blitza's knife, pried the pendant off her neck so it flew out the open window, then crawled back over to kneeling at the demon's hooves and begging her with tears in her eyes.

Blitza just stood there and listened for a minute, but then she chuckled darkly. "This is the first time a client has ever begged to be killed." she mumbled to herself.

"Please oh please oh please!" the girl went on.

"Fine, just shut your babbling mouth already." Blitza snatched the knife from Emberlynn's clasped hands.

Emberlynn threw herself over the older woman's arm. "Make it quick, my demon princess. For I— AH!"

She was cut off by Blitza stabbing her in the neck. Blood poured out, Emberlynn made gurgling noises as more blood came out of her mouth, and then a bell tolled as she went limp.

"Stab, stab, stab." The imp said, stabbing it a few more times.

She dropped Emberlynn and rubbed her Asmodean Crystal to open a portal. Then she glanced back at the body, pulled off Emberlynn's cat socks, and took them through the portal with her.

***

"You good, Blitza?" Lunar asked as his adoptive mother walked through the portal. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Too distraught to answer him, she pulled out her phone and called the client.

"Okay, I did it. You can go ahead and wire me that cash and I'll never think about this night ever again. It was fucking awful, and the only good thing I got out of it is a pair of cute gothy stockings."

"I'M HERE, BLITZY-KUN!" A familiar voice sang from outside.

Her face ashen with horror, Blitza went to the window to find Emberlynn standing on the street, grinning, and in a Sinner form. She was now a cat with pastel blue fur, magenta hair, bat wings on her back, and a 3rd eye on her forehead. She wore the same pink-and-black sweater and pink skirt, but without the cat socks as Blitza had taken them.

"I saw your billboard!" the girl called. "I'm here for you, bestie! You, me and your husband will be together forever! BLITZY-KUUUUUN!"

Lunar chuckled and came over, putting a hand on Blitza's shoulder. "Always good to make a new friend, right?" he asked mockingly.

"I can't believe she got sent here instead of Heaven." Blitza said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Who the fuck is in charge of sending people to Heaven or Hell? Whoever it is, I will make him eat his own dick for doing this to me."

"What's all this shit she's yammering about about you having a husband anyway?" Lunar wondered.

"She just made that up so we can "be besties" and "make love to the same man"." Blitza explained.

"Blitzy-Kun!" Emberlynn screamed, her 3 eyes widening as they caught sight of Lunar. "Who is that guy with you? Is that your husband? Are you married to a werewolf? Oh, that's even better! He will be our alpha leader and we can be his omegas, his 2 favourite girls in the pack, and when mating season comes and he goes into heat he will breed us full of a litter of wolf pups in a forest clearing on a full moon! Oh dear God, A WEREWOLF LOVE STORY!"

Emberlynn started to bang on the door of the building. "Let me in, Blitzy-Kun! I have to meet him!"

Blitza turned around to look at her adopted son, panicked. "You locked the door behind you, right?"

Lunar smirked. "Yeah, but I wouldn't put it past this freak to try smashing through windows."

"Oh my Satan..."

The end

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

In his dark bedroom, Stellan furiously paced back and forth, holding a landline phone in his hand.

"She's in there with her impish mistress again." He huffed into the phone. His fingers tightened around the receiver. "Goddammit, the bitch doesn't even bother being discreet about her affair. She comes over on full moons, and 2 times she's come over when it wasn't even a full moon, there was just some excuse of why Starla needed a quick fuck and the imp wasn't busy so she just came over!"

"Don't worry, sir, that cheater of a wife will be dead soon." The man on the other end said.

"She'd better be." Stellan growled. "They say you're the best at your game, and I'm counting on that to be more than just a bullshit rumour."

"I've already conned those stupid, simpleminded idiots at the farm to hire me as their farmhand. All I have to do is wait for your wife to show up at the festival, then she'll be all mine."

"Oh, good. Imps are always so simpleminded." Stellan said. Then he remembered he was talking to an imp. "Uh, I mean, except for you. I guess."

The other man chuckled. "I don't mind a couple of insults to my own kind, sir. All I'll be thinkin' about for now is how I'm gonna blow that owl bitch's brains out tomorrow." He said before hanging up the phone.

Stellan put away his phone, his anger still not fizzled out as he thought about the unspeakable things Starla was doing with that imp girl. How Starla was humiliating him by cheating with the LOWEST rank of demon and showing no remorse.

Yes, he was a shitty husband, but he'd never wanted this marriage either, and he had never once cheated despite meeting a thousand women who were way more exciting than Starla is! Life is so unfair.

***

Blitza stretched her arms above her head, making a noise of relief as she heard her spine crack. She wore nothing but black lingerie panties and a vest that wasn't even buttoned up, exposing most of her breasts. Her half-shaved hairstyle was a mess.

She bent down to grab her purse from where it had been carelessly thrown on the floor, searching around in it, until she pulled out a cigarette and lighter. She took a drag of it, letting the silvery smoke billow into the air of Starla's bedroom. It would be awkward to sit semi-naked in this bed that Prince Stellan was still using, but Starla had told her that Stellan doesn't sleep here anymore. After their first time together, Stellan had screamed something about "dIsGuStInG iMp GeRmS!" and then moved all his stuff to one of the palace's spare bedrooms, which is where he sleeps now.

Starla sat up and smiled. Her talons were tied to the headboard, she wore a harness and ball gag, and her hair-feathers were a mess. It proved they'd been doing a fuckload of this last night:

"I'm sorry for having to move our little rendezvous early." Starla explained. "I have an engagement this month on the full moon."

"When this happens, it's not really something I fuss about." Blitza says, then uses the cigar to burn the rope, freeing Starla, who takes the imp's cigar from her and takes a long drag of it.

"But, do you really need the book for this farm bullshit? I have, like, 15 new clients waitin' for heads to roll."

"As shocking as it may seem, Blitzy, my Grimoiiiiiiire is actually incredibly important." She puts out the cigar on one of Blitza's horns. "And it isn't supposed to be lent out to itty-bitty imps like yourself." She pinches Blitza's cheek before Blitza shoves her away.

"The Harvest Moon is a very special occasion! It's been my annual duty to showcase it in the Ring of Wrath. It's celebrated by a very charming little festival with the locals."

Blitza pulls a feather out of her mouth. It's like those guys who complain about how they keep getting hair in their mouth when going down on their girlfriend, only it's worse for Blitza because we all know bird-demons never shave their feathers ever.

"Wrath, huh? My employees are from there. I've never really been. I hear it's full of inbred chucklefucks."

Starla sits up. "Oh! Why don't you all join me at the festival? I can guarantee you all..."

Starla pulls the covers over her head and her head appears near Blitza's crotch.

"...special access~" The princess finished with a chuckle.

Blitza sighed. "Look, I told you, we're not bodyguards.That was a one-time thing we did badly."

Starla sits up with the covers on her head. She does a playful owl head tilt.

"I'm simply offering a work-free day of fun! I feel quite safe at the Harvest Festival. It's the same every year."

Blitza's lips twitched up, but she quickly smothered her smile down. "Well, I—"

"Uh uh uh!" Starla wagged her finger in Blitza's face. "I saw that smile, you little smart aleck! What's gotten you all smiley?"

Blitza rolled her eyes. "It's just... when you tilted your head like that you looked kind of... cute?"

"Oh, dear Satan!" Starla fanned herself with her hand, pretending to be all shocked. "Did my dear Blitzy just call me "cute"? Pinch me, I think I'm still asleep and dreaming!"

Blitza leaned forwards and smacked Starla's arm. "Stop it with the dramatics, Star! Anyways, if you promise this isn't some fuckfest invite, it does sound like it could be a blast and a half. Plus, it's not like we can do jackshit without your book anyway."

"Oh, I'm sowwy your clients will have to wait." Starla said in a babyish voice.

"Oh, fuck my clients!"

***

In Moxxie and Millie's apartment, they were asleep together when Moxxie's phone rang. First he pressed decline, but it rang again so he answered.

"What do you want, ma'am?" He asked groggily.

"Hey, Mox. I was just wondering if you two would like to join me for some harvest bullshit at the Wrath Ring."

"The Harvest Moon Festival?!" Millie exclaimed, sitting up without a hint of grogginess. "Yee-fucking-haw!"

"Well, Millie likes the idea." The boy said. "Wait. Where are you calling from—"

Blitza landed on the bed, her phone bonking her on the head.

"Mm-hm." Moxxie deadpanned. "Of course."

"Sorry, you two just looked so cozy together!" The woman said sheepishly. "You were as snug as two bugs in a rug! It took all my willpower to stop myself from slithering in there with you!"

***

The I.M.P. members drove in their van to the Wrath Ring. They came across an imp couple waiting for them. Millie grinned and leapt out of the van before Blitza had even pulled over properly.

"Mama! Daddy!" She said, jumping into her parents' arms.

"How's my deadly little pumpkin spice doing?" Her father, Joe, asked as he lifted her into the air and then ruffled her hair.

"I'm good, Pa! Thanks for letting us stay here during the festival!"

"It's no trouble. We know you aren't making as much since y'all went "freelance"." Her mother, Lin, replied.

"Freelance pays fine, Ma! We're doing fine! *gets serious* It's fine."

She went over to Moxxie, who was struggling to pull the luggage. "Y'all remember my husband Moxxie, right?"

She led Moxxie to her parents, who immediately levelled disapproving glares at him. Moxxie chuckled shyly. "Greetings, Lin, Joe. How are you doing with all the, uh... flaming twisters and stuff?"

"We lost our old farm hand to one of them terrors last week." Lin said.

Moxxie chuckled nervously. "Oh, crumbs. My bad! I am so sorry. I- I didn't mean to open that wound... ma'am ."

"Hey, watch it! I'm the ma'am, bucko!" Blitza snapped.

She had changed into a gothy cowgirl outfit, which was a black sports bra, ripped-up denim shorts, a chainlink belt, fishnets on her legs, brown leather boots with more square-shaped heels, and a silver-and-dark-purple paisley bandanna tied around her right-hand wrist.

Her dark hair was pulled into a ponytail, like one would do if they were going to do physical labour, and tied in place by a paisley bandana that matched her other one. [A/N: haha ik it's prob impossible to get a ponytail that's NOT a side-ponytail when you have half-shaved hair, but pretend it's possible with cartoon logic]

"Oh yeah! Y'all haven't met my boss Blitza! And her hellhound!"

"I'm not just her hellhound." Lunar snapped.

"Yeah, he's my son!" Blitza said, pulling him to her side.

"Only on paper." Lunar said. Blitza walked away to greet Millie's parents and Lunar pulled out his phone and began typing. "You people don't deserve to know my name."

"It's a pleasure to finally meet the sperm and egg factory *shoves Moxxie away* that popped out this little gem of an assassin. You two raised a sturdy bitch!" Blitza praised, playfully punching Millie's shoulder.

Joe chuckled. "That we did! So... Blitza, is it? Heh heh. That's a fine name." He said as he shook the female imp's hand.

"It reminds me of war." Lin smiled.

Joe sighed happily. "Nothing like a little war to make a strong man! *flexes bicep*"

"I like you people." Blitza commented.

"Y'know..." Moxxie said, "more battles were won by technological advances in warfare. I've researched the history of weaponry extensively, and it's inspiring how... for example, the progression of guns utilizing angelic technology has changed the landscape of Hell's combative..."

Millie makes a "cut it out" motion with her hands. Joe crosses his arms.

"I mean... *deep, awkward voice* War fun!"

"Guns get the job done," Joe said, "but a man ain't nothin' if he can't tear the head off a hellish beast with only his bare... hands!"

"Hah!" Blitza laughed. "He's right, Moxxie! You got cute wittle baby hands like your baby dick!" She pointed a finger at Moxxie's crotch but he slapped her arm away.

"Refrain... ma'am."

"Speakin' of strong hands, y'all should meet our newest help." Joe said, then turned around and called, "Hey! Striker!"

Black flaming hooves clop rapidly on the ground. An imp's spiky tail whips a black horse's flank. An imp wearing a cowboy hat rides a black hell horse with a fiery mane. The horse leaps over a fence. The horse rears up and roars in front of the group. Striker tips his hat in greeting, a stalk in his mouth.

"Well, howdy! Oh, lookie here! You must be the famous Mildred!" Striker got off the horse and walks toward Millie. "Heard some good things about you from your folks, little lady." He winked at her.

"Ohhh!" Millie laughed sheepishly as Striker shook her hand.

"What're y'all doin' so far away from Imp City? Heh. The free workin' finally slowin' down?"

"Oh, no! Freelance isn't free! It's a— Never mind. We're just visitin' for the festival. The princess is our boss's giiiiirlfrieeeend!"

"Millie, I am not above hitting a female in front of her daddy." Blitza warned.

"Boss, huh...? Ohhh, so you're the bold imp to start her own killing biz?" Striker asked.

Blitza shrugged. "Yeah, well if you're good at somethin', you should probably capitalize."

"Not many imps start businesses on their own. That's pretty impressive, ma'am."

Blitza's eyes widened a bit in surprise, but the GOOD kind of surprise. "Oh...! Yeah? It is— I-I-I guess- I guess it is, isn't it?"

"So you even conned that ditzy blueblood into gettin' you to the surface?" Striker asked as he and Blitza shook hands.

"Well, it's long and complicated, but the short answer is yes. But she's not like, you know— W-We're y- We're not, like... We're not doing it... We w- What's betw— It's a transactional fucking, you see." She explained, doing a scissoring gesture with her fingers.

[picture]

"Y'know... you guys should enter the Pain Games!" Joe suggested.

Blitza scuttled sideways over to Joe, excited. "I heard games! What games? I'm in!"

"Every harvest festival, there's a competition to be the roughest, toughest bastard in Wrath!" Lin explained.

Millie crosses her arms and pouts. "Yeah! Wish I could play!"

Lin went over to her daughter. "Millie, you know you get too carried away. The last competition ended in 15 separate funerals."

"I'm aware, but I only caused 9 of them! How come Sally May still gets to compete?"

"Your sister doesn't have a neighborhood head count."

"She so does!"

Sallie May carries a sack and a small imp drags an imp body in the background. "It doesn't count if they don't find the bodyyyyyy!" She sing-songed, grinning mockingly at her furious sister. Millie seethed.

"Still, you get to root for her and your brothers, and now you can cheer on your boss!" Lin said.

Moxxie puts a hand on Lin's shoulder. "Y'know, she can also cheer for me."

Joe wheeze-laughs and slaps his leg. "...Wait, you?"

"Yeah! I can compete, can't I?" Moxxie said, but Lin elbowed him hard in the side, making him tear up in pain, which only proved how much of a weakling he was compared to most of the other demons here with him.

"Sorry, boy. But, I don't think sensitive, thespian types would last very long in the games." Joe grunted.

"I was born here, too! *drawls* I have some fight in me!" Moxxie insisted.

[A/N: Little confused on the lore here. Wasn't Moxxie born in Greed Ring?]

Striker puts a hand on Moxxie's shoulder. "Huh. Well then, little fella... Why don'tcha help me wrangle one o' them hogs for dinner?" He asked, motioning to a large sleeping hell hog in a pigpen.

"Simple. Watch me!" Moxxie said.

Striker grins and hands Moxxie a dagger and rope. "Nah... with these. Bullets can't pierce the shell. You gotta get the knife underneath and pry yourself an openin'."

Moxxie gulps. "Oh! Right, right. I knew that."

Blitza leans in toward Moxxie and grabs his shoulders. Moxxie's eyes twitch. "Now, just remember, your rep with the in-laws is on the line here! So, no pressure at all, you totally will not make an ass of yourself in front of everyone important in your life. Go get 'em, tiger." Blitza shoves Moxxie forward.

"Ohhh." Moxxie said nervously.

"Mox, you don't need to do this!" Millie said.

"Oh, he totally does." Blitza said. "KICK ITS ASS, MOXXIE! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Blitza cheered as Moxxie enters the pen. He nervously walks forward, knife in hand. Moxxie leaps forward and wraps the rope around the hog's neck. He moves the knife down and it strikes harmlessly against the hog's hide. The hog roars and runs around, trying to buck Moxxie off.

"FUCK yeah, Moxxie! Ride it, Moxxie! Make it that bitch you won't call back in the morning!"

Lunar grins and records a video on his phone. "Hah! Moxxie, I swear to God."

"Doin' great, Moxxie!" Blitza called, then she leaned in and whispered to Lunar, "Send me that video later." He gave her the thumbs-up.

Millie watches in concern as Moxxie yelps and looks up. Striker leaps and pushes him out of the way. Striker twirls the dagger in his hand and lifts it in the air with a smug grin. He brings down the knife and slaughters the hog.

Moxxie rubs his neck. "Ow... My clavicle!"

Striker stands over Moxxie, his spade tail rattling like a snake. "Don't worry, little one... You never stood a chance."

Striker walks away with the dead hog over his shoulder. Moxxie growls at him.

"Hey, boss lady! You wanna help the men skin this thing for dinner?"

"Oh, I am always down to skin the manly meat with the manly men!" Blitza said excitedly.

"That's what she said!" Lunar said, walking into the house.

Blitza frowned. "What who said? Wait, what bitch is talking shit about me?!"

Everyone but Millie and Moxxie leave for the house with the demon hog. Moxxie sighs sadly with his arm in a cast. Millie comforts him.

"Don't let 'em get to you." She said. "And hey, you don't need my parents to respect you. They will eventually."

"No, they won't." Sally May said.

Millie glares at her.

"What? I'm right, ain't I?"

Moxxie's eyes hardened in determination. "*drawl* Oh, Imma enter in those games."

Millie sighed sadly.

Sallie May appears out of nowhere. "Hmm, how pissed would you be if I bet on him dyin'? Because he's literally— ack!"

Millie grabbed Sallie by the front of her shirt and pulled her close. "Sallie May, if you think I've gone soft since moving to the Pride Ring, you are about to be sorely mistaken."

"Okay, okay, sorry!" Sallie cried, putting her hands up, and Millie roughly shoved her away. Sisters are usually the best, but sometimes they are just the shittiest.

***

After they eat the hog to give them energy and strength, they go to the Harvest Festival. Wally Wackford stands on stage with a microphone and speaks dramatically.

"Welcome, I say-a, welcome-a... all to Wrath-a Ring's-a annual-a Harvest-a Moon-a... a-Festival! To kick things up, we have the great princess Starla-a, here to usher in this here Pain Games!"

Starla wears a fancy dress and her hair-feathers, which she usually keeps pinned up in a bun, are flowing down to her almost reaching her waist and glowing with hairspray.

She sure is beautiful when she dolls herself up like this. Blitza thought, smiling.

But her smile quickly vanished and she shook her head like clearing water out of her ears. No, what the fuck?! First you think of her as "cute" and now "beautiful"? She's just... she's just your transactional fuck buddy! Stop having corny thoughts!

The princess took the microphone. "How kind, Wackford." She chuckled. "Greetings, tiny... Wrath Ring Imps! I hereby welcome you all to another year of celebrating the spoils of your labour that continue to feed the citizens of Hell!"

A crowd of imps glare at her and boos are heard.

"I'm happy to kick off the start of these games that will challenge the toughest imps to show their skill in dominance. Good luck to you all! Especially that sexy little one there... Yoo-hoo! Blitzy!"

Starla waves at her while Blitza glares. "Ugh. Fuck me."

A gun goes off and the games begin. Moxxie gets trampled with a yelp as the other imps race down the trail.

First is an obstacle course. Then is a competition of tying each other up. Then is a tug of war. Then is a wrestling match. Moxxie loses all the matches and a shark keeps attacking him. In the end, the shark even leaps from the water to elbow-drop on Moxxie.

"MOTHERFUC—!"

As the games ended, Blitza was wiping the mud off herself with a damp towel. She saw Striker doing the same thing and went over to him.

"Hey, you were super impressive back there."

"Thanks. So were you." He smiled at her. "I'm usually the champion of these Pain Games, but I gotta say it's nice to finally have a worthy opponent."

Blitza blushed darkly. "So, I was wondering, what do you do for a living?"

"Oh, just odd jobs I get hired for." Striker said. "I'm a traveller at heart, and I don't stay in one place too long. Gets boring fast."

"So, you don't have a permanent job? Well, I was meaning to ask, would you be interested in joining my assassination business? I could really use someone else with the brawn skills. You've already seen how weak my employee Moxxie is, and other than him I only have 2 other employees, and one of them just stays in the office most of the time. I could use someone else to help me on the field."

"Huh." Striker smiled. "Well, I wasn't kidding when I said I'm impressed by how an imp, and a female one at that, managed to start her own business. You sure are showing Hell that us imps are more than just trash. Okay, why not?"

Blitza grinned and went off to tell Moxxie and Millie the good news (well, she considered it good news, but she wasn't sure what Moxxie might think).

Striker watched her go, and he thought to himself. The real reason he'd come here was to murder Princess Starla for having a mistress, but he hadn't known how smoking hot Starla's mistress was. Now he was changing gears. He still intended to murder Starla, but he'd also taken a liking to Blitza.

Back onstage, Wally Wackford announces the winner. "I say, I say, for the first year ever, we have a tie for winner of the Harvest Moon Pain Games!"

Starla takes the microphone from him. "The winners are... Striker, aaaaand my darling Blitzy!"

"Just say my name right! You little bitch." Blitza walks onto the stage in frustration. Moxxie and Millie watch from the wooden bleachers.

"Allright. So, he has the "physical advantage"." Moxxie grumbled. "I'm better at other things, like singing!"

Striker pulls out a guitar. "I'd like to take this opportunity to sing a quick song I wrote just now, about me winnin'." Striker strums the guitar.

Moxxie just fucking loses it. "Oh, WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"♫ Sweet victory... I smell the smell. ♫"

Striker kicks a squealing fan girl imp in the face, sending her back to a group of imps who then maul her, jealous that she got touched by Striker.

"♫ From up in stinkin' Heaven, to the rugged rocks of Hell, sweet victory ♫

♫ With everything I do ♫

♫ With every talent, I'm so much more talented than you ♫"

Blitza arrives with a slice of cheese on a stick and sits next to Moxxie and Millie in the bleachers. "Isn't this guy great?" She asks with her mouth full.

"♫ Everytime I tryyyy, I push it and succeed. ♫" the cowboy kept singing.

"False!" Moxxie said.

"It's gonna be nice workin' with him." Blitza pours hot sauce on her cheese and takes another bite.

"Working with him...? What?!"

"Yeaaaah! I asked him if he wants to join I.M.P."

"You asked... But..." Moxxie looks visibly hurt.

"Come on, Moxxie." Blitza reassured. "I know you two don't get along that well, but you'll grow on each other! I promise! Go on 1 mission together and you two will come back being besties."

"Mox, I think you've had enough, for now." Millie said when she noticed he was still down, despite Blitza's words of encouragement. "Let's head back to the house and get you clean."

"♫ The super cool me, handsome guy— *cough* Moxxie, go fuck yourself ♫"

Moxxie tears up and leave, Millie running after him, as Striker finishes his song.

"♫ Did you hear something? It was just the wind. ♫"

The crowd cheers.

Striker smiled, proud of himself, and took a bow. "Thank you. You're too kind."

***

Blitza lies on the ground, kicking her feet like a schoolgirl, and looks admiringly at Bombproof as he feasts on an animal carcass.

"You sure like my horse, don't ya?" Striker asked as he appeared behind her.

"Yeah, he's a beauty." Blitza said, patting the horse's snout.

Striker chuckled. "Bet I could show you a better time than he could though. Let's go." He grabbed Blitza's elbow and pulled her to her feet, leading her toward the barn.

"Lemme guess, we'll be doing it cowgirl style?" Blitza rolled her eyes with a grin.

"Ya can't expect anything less from a guy like me."

Blitza locked the barn doors, and Striker immediately slammed her against the doors and begun to kiss her, his strong but calloused hands unbuckling her chainlink belt.

"Heh heh... never imagined myself getting it on with a guy who dresses like and says "howdy, howdy" like a fucking cowboy." Blitza mumbled as Striker dug his fingers into the opening of her denim shorts.

***

Outside, Moxxie was still upset that Blitza wanted to hire an asshole like Striker, and he hoped he'd be able to change his boss's mind.

"Hey, do you know where Blitza went?" He asked Sallie May.

"Think I saw her go into the barn with that Striker fellow." She said.

Moxxie went to the barn, assuming Blitza was just chatting with Striker in there. He wondered why they had shut the doors though. But when he went inside, he found the cowboy sitting on the wooden bench against the wall, Blitza sitting totally naked in his lap, her legs straddling his waist and her head dipped down as she groaned in lust.

Blitza had her back turned to the doors so she didn't notice Moxxie standing there, his mouth hanging open in shock. But Striker noticed from over Blitza's shoulder. His mouth stretched into a smug grin, and his fingers tightened their grip on Blitza's bare shoulders as he thrusted into her harder while still keeping eye contact with Moxxie. The younger boy slid the door shut and ran off.

"Now that Striker is filling Blitza's cunt, looks like he's coming to work with us no matter what." Moxxie muttered grumpily as he went into the cottage.

Then he noticed light shining through the bottom of a door. "Well, that's troubling."

Moxxie opens the door and peers around. He notices the light coming from a box. He walks over and sees a rifle with glowing designs in an open gun case.

"Oh, my crumbles!"

He runs his hand along the side of the rifle.

"A genuine carmine crafted blessing-tipped rifle! How... How in the fuck did he get one o' these?!"

"Why don't you ask me, little dude?" Striker said, leaning in the doorframe behind Moxxie.

"Shit! W-What are you— where's my boss?!"

"In the shower, washing off the mess I made on her."

"Oh, good." Moxxie said, relieved Striker hadn't hurt Blitza. "But wait, w-why do you have this... mister?! You are aware this kind of weapon can kill—"

"—demon royalty?" Striker asked with a smile.

"Yes. That."

"No shit. *flicks his wheat stalk away* That's kinda the point."

Striker runs his claws along the door. He closes the door and advances menacingly toward Moxxie with a grin.

"Okay. Well I'm- I'm relatively concerned by your possession of this... I'm also glad my instant dislike of you has been vali—"

Striker grabs Moxxie by the throat.

"—DATED!"

Striker wraps his tail around Moxxie's neck. He tosses Moxxie hard against the wall. He chokes Moxxie on the floor as Moxxie hisses and tries to claw at him. Striker holds him down with his body weight. Moxxie glances over to see a lamp on a table. He kicks the table and the lamp crashes into Striker. Millie hears the crash from outside. Moxxie stands up and races toward the door. He pulls the door open but Striker roughly pulls him back by his tail. Striker covers Moxxie's mouth and begins to strangle him. Striker chuckles evilly as Moxxie begins to lose consciousness.

"Pathetic."

Millie appears behind Striker and stabs him in the back with a knife. Moxxie collapses to the floor. A feral, enraged Millie stabs Striker repeatedly in the back. She leaps onto his back and holds the knife at his neck, but he breaks from her hold and stops her at the last moment. Striker then slams Millie off against the wall, breaking her arm. A now-bleeding Millie collapses next to Moxxie, clutching her broken arm. Moxxie reaches his hand towards the girl.

"Millie..." He said weakly.

Striker grabs both of them by their hair and tosses them into a cellar. Millie cries out as her foot gets caught in a bear trap.

"I'd kill y'all, but I feel like there's more leverage with your rodeo clown of a boss if I don't! Plus, you little things ain't worth the cleanup."

Moxxie runs up the stairs, but Striker shuts the cellar doors. Moxxie tries to push the doors, but they won't budge.

"Millie!" He cried, running back down to the girl and assessing her. "Oh, Satan! I think your leg is broken!"

"Moxxie, I'm fine! I got worse than this during the flower toss at my brother's weddin'. But I caught that fuckin' bouquet, and it was fuckin' worth it!" She put her hand on Moxxie's shoulder, looking into his eyes seriously. "You just have to get out there, and fuck up that brownnosin' cocksucker for me!"

"But I can't break through it." He said sadly. "I'm not strong enough."

"Not with your hands, baby. Use what you're good at."

"I'm not good with my hands?"

Millie raised an eyebrow with an unamused expression.

"Ohhhh. Right. Yeah. Yeah."

Moxxie pulls out a pistol and fires a hole in the door. He pushes the doors open.

"I... I probably should've used this earlier, huh?" He said with an embarrassed giggle.

"I love you, hun... But, for fuck's sake!"

***

Onstage, Starla magically flips through her Grimoire. When she finds the right spell, she smiles and goes to the microphone.

"My dear commoners of the Ring of Wrath! I, Starla of the Ars Goetia, hereby curse this year's harvest with the glow of the true Harvest Moon!"

The clouds swirl as Starla creates a portal. The portal reveals a glowing orange full moon in the sky. The crowd oohs in wonder. Striker chuckles darkly as he aims the rifle at Starla's forehead, her being distracted as she concentrates on doing the spell right.

A click is heard behind him. Blitza stands there, her ponytail still wet from the shower, and aims her flintlock pistol at him. "Uh, excuse me? The FUCK?!"

Striker turns around. "Bliiiitza!" He said, plastering that fake smile back onto his face. "I thought you went back to the ceremony after your shower!"

"You thought I wanted to stand around with a buncha hillbillies excited about corn n' shit with a thirsty owl on stage?"

Striker stands up. "Huh. And now you seem disappointed in me."

"Yeaaaaah. Well, I'm not a fan of someone I offered a job to and I just had sex with about to off my easiest lengthy ticket to Earth behind my back.l

"Blitza, come on. You know, the two of us are superior than most of our kind. And you were so above suckin' on a disgusting, rich, pompous Goetia, only to sneak topside for scraps and work for bitter sinners, who could care less who you are, when you could be slaying Overlords."

Striker walks around Blitza. Blitza's eyes move and she appears conflicted. She aims her gun as Striker moves in the shadows.

"Why struggle to run a business that's rigged against you? When you could partner up with me and kill... the unkillable?"

Striker put his hands on Blitza's waist, similarly to how he did to her in the barn, only this time it's with less innocent intentions. He pinned her against the wall and bent down to put his face only inches from hers.

"Starting with the one that treats you like a plaything?"

Blitza grins. "Ooh, that's kinda hot."

"We could be the most dangerous beings in Hell, Blitza."

"Wow. That was a good fuckin' pitch."

Striker gave a half-shrug. "Been workshoppin' it."

Striker possessively tightened his hold on her waist and used his tail to move her gun away.

"Y'know what? Fuck it. I'm in."

Striker grins, but hears another click. "Huh?"

Moxxie appears behind him with Striker's rifle.

"Took ya long enough, Mox!" Blitza said. "Ha-HA! Wow, you should've seen your dipshit face!"

Blitza looks down to see Striker holding the knife in his other hand from behind. "Wow... Woah, okay. Cliché much?" She said.

Striker points Blitza's pistol at Moxxie. Moxxie blocks the bullet with the rifle side.

"Oh, you daddy fucker!" The girl imp said.

She bit Striker's arm and he screamed.

The fight begins as Blitza elbows Striker in the face. They exchange blows, and Striker slams Blitza into Moxxie, both of them falling to the floor. Moxxie sees the rifle on the floor and reaches for it. Striker pins Moxxie's arm down with his boot and Moxxie screams.

"You dumb fucks lost the upper hand fast, huh?" Striker mocked.

"HAH! You seem to have forgotten something, fucko!" Blitza said.

She whistles for Lunar. Outside, Lunar hears it whilst using his phone, but he just growls in irritation.

"Ugh, fuckin' damn it, Lunar."

"It's a damn shame, Blitza." The cowboy smirked. "We might actually've made a good team. You're a badass, and you really DO give a good fuck."

"In your wet dreams, you honky-tonk GOAAAAT!"

Blitza swings her foot under Striker and trips him. She kicks Striker away, causing him to drop his rifle, which Moxxie grabs. Blitza races toward Striker and knock his head with a lamp. She lands punches at his face and swipes her tail at him. Blitza uses her tail to toss Striker to the side. Moxxie fires a warning shot near Striker's head. Blitza and Moxxie close in on Striker and Blitza pulls out her pistol.

"I still think it's embarrassing." Striker said lowly. "You're wastin' a lot of potential relyin' on a weak little—"

Moxxie fires a shot near Striker.

"You gonna finish that fucking sentence... pard'ner?" The boy demanded.

"Vermin." Striker finished.

Moxxie grinned, about to fire the gun and kill the other assassin. "Who's weak now, BITCH—?!"

Moxxie gets slammed by the door as Lunar kicks it open to enter the room.

"K, I'm here. What do you need, Blitza?"

Striker narrows his eyes and uses the distraction to kick Blitza's gun out of her hand. He shoves the woman aside and heads toward the open window.

"Maybe you'll get me next time... Blitzy." He says before slipping outside.

Blitza dashed to the window and pointed her pistol outside, looking at the celebration in worry, but the man had already disappeared.

Moxxie rubbed his head from where the door had bumped into him and Lunar just stood there, looking around in confusion. "So, I—"

"Lunar, you stupid little shit!" Blitza marched over to her son, pounding her fists against his broad chest. "We fucking had him! Your response timing is *punch* fucking *punch* UNACCEPTABLE! *punch* ARGH!" She let out a scream of frustration and stomped downstairs.

The hellhound stood there in confusion, rubbing his sore chest, not even understanding what had just happened as he'd been standing in the yard during the whole Striker drama.

***

The next morning, the I.M.P. members were getting ready to go back to the Pride Ring. Blitza and Lunar packed up the van while Moxxie struggled to fit clothes into a suitcase.

Millie's parents were patching her up, but they were lecturing her too, angry and disappointed in her for allowing Striker to beat the shit out of her instead of it being the other way around.

"I can't believe you let him trap you, Millie! Haven't we taught you better?" Lin scolded.

"I was seein' red, Ma! And he was slippery!" Millie said.

"Excuses!" Lin snapped, hands on her hips. "You're better than that, Mildred!"

Moxxie closed the trunk and marched over to Millie's parents.

"Y'know, she protected me. *drawl* And maybe I'm not a strong beefy dickhead, *real voice* but Millie has the strength enough for both of us! You two are getting on her case about being hurt by a psychopath you hired?! *drawl* Shaaaaame on you!"

Blitza laughed as she closed the van's trunk. "Aw, Moxxie, look at you! Speechin' like a big boy with his big paaaants!"

Joe glared at Moxxie. Moxxie expected his father-in-law to say "Don't you get between us and our daughter!" or "You have no idea what you're even talking about, boy!".

But to his surprise, Joe nodded curtly before going into the house with his wife.

"Wow! He nodded!" Millie squealed. "He's never acknowledged your input before!"

Millie stood up on crutches and limped her way to the van.

"Soooo, is that progress?" Moxxie asked hopefully.

***

Scene cuts to a sign that reads "Hideaway Motel Vacancy. The Guy That Tried 2 Kill U Def Isn't Here." Striker is on a bed, talking on the phone.

"Huh... I failed to kill the target at the festival. And I lost the angelic rifle you bought for me. But don't worry, sir... I'll find another way to get your wife and her smoking-hot-but-super-bitchy mistress."

Stellan drums his fingers on the table impatiently. "It better not! I want this selfish, backstabbing, cheating little slut dead! I don't care who you have to go through, MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!!"

Stellan is seen sitting at a dinner table with Starla, who is reading a book called "Imps in the Sheets", and Octavia. Octavia bops her head to music blasting from her earbuds.

Starla paused her eating to look up at Stellan, frowning when she sees how his face is reddened and twisted in anger. "What's got your panties in a pinch this time? You literally look constipated."

Stellan was too angry to do anything more than glare at her.

Starla shrugged carelessly. "Fine, whatever. I'll let you figure it out for yourself."

"Understood." The cowboy said.

Stellan hangs up.

Striker twirls the gun in his hand. "I'll get her next time." He said, then chuckled evilly as he turned off the light. His yellow eyes glowed in the darkness to rattlesnake hisses.

The end

Chapter Text

"Cassian, come in here for a minute." Andrealphus called from where he was sitting at his vanity, applying blue eyeliner to his tear ducts. Cassian came to stand in the doorway, cellphone in hand.

You're still coming over, right? He texted to Octavia.

Are you kidding me? We haven't seen each other in eons! We gotta catch up. She texted back. We're just stuck in traffic.

"Are you certain you want to wear that outfit, Cassian?" Andrealphus asked, levelling an unimpressed look at his son's outfit. It was a black hoodie with blue stars on the front and the sleeves, and black jeans.

[A/N: Cassian has naturally blue hair just like Andrealphus, but he dyes it black cuz he likes that colour more]

"Dad, it's literally just Via and Aunt Starla. Why do we have to dress up for them?"

"It's not about who it is, it's about the fact guests are coming to our home, so we should be presentable."

"You just want any excuse to play dress-up." He huffed. "And seriously, Dad, do you always have to dress in those flamboyant ice-themed clothes? Everyone knows you're all about ice just by looking at you, even if you wore regular clothes."

Andrealphus rolled his eyes at the teenager's attitude and got up from the vanity. "Oh look, they're here." He said, looking out his window to see Starla's carriage pull into the driveway.

Cassian immediately rushed downstairs and into the driveway. The moment Octavia got out of the carriage, Cassian gave her a hug that almost knocked her down.

"Via! Oh, I missed you so much!" He said with his beak buried in her hair.

"I missed you too." She chuckled, hugging him back.

As Starla got out, Cassian pulled away from Octavia and smiled up at the older woman. "What's up, Aunt Starla?" He said, shaking her hand and then giving her hand a kiss. He'd always found hand-kissing kinda corny (this isn't medieval times!) but his father says that's how you're supposed to greet women.

The 3 of them walked into the ice palace, Cassian and Octavia side-by-side with Starla trailing behind them.

"Oh, you're here." Andrealphus said, crossing his arms as he looked at Starla.

"Lovely to see you too." She deadpanned, narrowing her eyes into an equally venomous glare.

Andrealphus sighed irritably. "Come in, then, no need to be pettily at each other's throats."

The adults disappeared into another room together (probably to just shoot passive aggressive insults at each other while they drank tea together). Cassian grabbed Octavia's wrist and led her upstairs to his bedroom.

"So, Via, anything new going on at your crib?"

"Actually, yeah. There's a bit of juicy gossip that I've been looking forward to telling you, but it's kinda a secret so I didn't wanna tell you over text."

Cassian quirked an eyebrow. "Juicy gossip? Pray tell."

"Well..." Octavia began as the two of them went into Cassian's bedroom and sat on the small loveseat couch together. She knew this was a private thing that only her family was supposed to know about, but Cassian was her cousin and her best friend. She trusted him to keep it secret.

"You know how my mum and dad haven't been getting along in recent years?"

" 'Course I know that." Cassian replied. "Aren't I the one who always FaceTimed with you when the yelling was becoming too much for you to handle?"

Yes, Cassian was always there to help Octavia out when the ugly sounds of screaming and throwing things was too much for her, even though it was never directed towards her. He was a real friend. It cemented her decision to tell him this thing.

"Well, my mum seems to have found a way out of the marriage. She has a new lover."

"Seriously?" Cassian asked. "She has a boyfriend now?"

"A girlfriend."

Cassian smacked his thigh as he cackled. "Hah, I knew your mum gave off sapphic vibes! I knew it!"

Octavia fiddled with her hair-feathers a bit. "That's not even the worst part." She admitted. "The worst part is... well... this girlfriend of hers is an imp."

Cassian's jaw dropped open. "You're fucking joking!"

"Nope." Octavia said, letting the P pop.

"Oh, eww! An imp?! And your dad is still in the dark about it?"

"No, when the imp was leaving our yard she was like, "Sorry, I fucked your wife" so Dad, his friends, and most of our staff know about Mum's infidelity. They hate each other more than ever now."

"Geez, I'm a little jealous that you have a whole-ass soap opera happening at your place while nothing even remotely exciting has been going on at mine." Cassian said. "The most "dramatic" thing that's happened since your last visit is just my dad yelling his throat raw at a maid and threatening to execute her for staining his favourite suit in the laundry. Not like he doesn't yell at the staff literally all the time."

"Is that really the only drama you guys have here?" Octavia wondered.

"Unfortunately."

"What about your magic practice?" She asked. "Have you learned to do more than just make puny little snowflakes yet?"

"Oh, yeah! My powers have gotten way stronger. Stronger than yours, I bet!" He said with a teasing smirk.

Octavia knew her powers weren't very strong yet either, but she couldn't possibly be weaker than Cassian, who had tried to show off his powers to her last time but only been able to make a flurry of snowflakes swirl in the air.

"Well then let's see it." She challenged.

"Sure. But I need an... object. Could you give me something?"

Octavia pulled her phone out of her cardigan's pocket and held it out to the boy.

"Uh, something you won't mind being destroyed."

"Oh!" She quickly tucked the phone back to the safety of her pocket. Then she patted her pockets in search of something else, but there was nothing.

"It's fine. Let's go out into the garden and I'll show you." Cassian said, getting off the couch and leading Octavia out.

Their garden was full of ice sculptures ("Literally so tacky." Cassian commented, rolling his eyes, as the two teenagers passed by the sculptures). With how freezing cold the entire area around Andrealphus's palace was, it's honestly a miracle plants could even grow in this garden without dying from the cold immediately. Cassian led his cousin over to a rose bush where a few blood-red roses were growing, and he plucked one out.

"Okay. Now watch this."

He held the rose in his talon and shut his eyes as he focused hard on it. He concentrated his energy so hard even his beak was scrunching up. Octavia wondered what he was doing and why it seemed so hard for him just to make snowflakes and cold gusts of wind, because she believed that was the only thing he could do.

But her pink eyes widened in amazement as she watched a thin sheet of ice glaze its way over the rose's dainty red petals.

Cassian opened his eyes and smiled down at the frozen flower proudly. "Nice, right?"

"When the hell did you learn to do that?!" Octavia demanded in shock.

"Only recently." He admitted. "I'm nowhere near creating devastating blizzards and tornados made of ice shards like Dad can do, but now that I know how to freeze things, I'll be caught up with him in no time."

"You lucky little shit." Octavia said, smiling despite her mild jealousy. "I'm still light years behind my mum's badass power. All I can do is make flames no bigger than my thumb."

She snapped her fingers and a little magenta flame appeared. She had tried many times to make the flame bigger, but her mother Starla always reassured her that there's nothing wrong with her powers not being fully developed yet. Octavia sometimes got frustrated though, as she knew Starla had received her Grimoire and mastered most spells by the time she was only 10.

"Fire and ice. Aren't we a pair." Cassian chuckled, snapping his own fingers and making a swirl of snowflakes spiral out of his palm to contrast with his cousin.

Chapter Text

The episode opens up to panning shots of 4 monitors. The first shows Blitza and Moxxie outside Martha's house, Moxxie then pushing Blitza's gun causing her to shoot in the wrong direction in "Murder Family". The second shows Millie coming out of the ocean after killing the fish monster in "Spring Broken", the third shows Millie and Moxxie French-kissing while swinging on a rope in "C.H.E.R.U.B." and the fourth shows a shot of horses, which then zooms in past them onto Blitza, who was caught choking on the boba pearls of her drink. Someone then points at the screen with Blitza.

"Right there! This was the first sighting." Agent 1 said.

"They are definitely from Hell. They must use this dark magic to cross over into our world... and they seem to be killing specifically targeted people. But, why?" Agent 2 wondered.

"They always attack at random, all over the country. There's no way to predict where they'll show up next!" Agent 1 said.

A loud clattering noise is heard from outside, followed by a stock angry cat sound. The two agents immediately glance over to a barred-up window obscured by heavily damaged blinds. Agent 1 makes a gap between the blinds to the outside to see what made that noise. The agents then see the source of all the racket: Blitza, standing on a box and a dumpster while holding the dumpster lid open. She looks around suspiciously.

"Ahhh, well... That's convenient." Agent 2 said.

Cuts to Blitza outside, standing on trash bags and holding a dumpster lid open.

"Shhhhh! Remember, we can't be seen." She said.

Blitza slams the dumpster lid loudly, but then falls backwards into a pile of trash bags. Millie silently chuckles at the boss's predicament, then walks away.

"Pardon my words, ma'am, but you're currently being the loudest." Moxxie deadpanned.

Blitza jumps up out of the garbage pile covered in trash; she has an old newspaper on her forehead, a half-eaten lollipop stuck to the side of her head, a scrap of paper on her horn with an old banana peel impaled on the end of it, and a used condom on her index finger, the same finger she uses to poke Moxxie's face indignantly.

"I said shuuush your dick-sucking lips, Moxxie!" She whispered harshly.

Moxxie steps away from his boss, grossed out from her condom finger, as he notices a portal opening behind him. Lunar is seen on the other end and Millie jumps into it, waving to Moxxie. Moxxie begins to walk towards the portal but is suddenly tackled to the ground by Blitza, barely missing a net being shot their way.

"MOXXIE, GET DOWN!" She said.

Agent 1 cocks his net launcher, readying another capture net. Blitza looks behind him and sees Agent 2 jump down on a rope from a building, landing in front of the portal.

Oh no. Humans could not to enter Hell when they were still alive. Especially ones who looked like they were prepared to scope the place.

"LUNAR! CLOSE IT!" Blitza ordered.

"No, wait—!" Millie cried.

She tried to run through the portal, but Lunar reads the spell to slam it shut in her face.

Moxxie, seeing the portal close, is distraught at first but quickly shifts to angry, pulling out a pistol in an attempt to fight off the two agents while Blitza hides. He jumps off a wooden pallet to dodge both a tranquilizer dart and a capture net and prepares to fire. However, he is hit in the neck from behind by a tranquilizer dart.

He stumbles, mumbling incoherently, then falls to the ground.

"MOXXIE!" Blitza cries in concern.

She quickly grabs Moxxie, knocking down the trash can she was hiding behind, and runs away. She smacks Agent 2 in the face with Moxxie and keeps on running through the alleyway.

"I smell... *sniffs* colors..." Moxxie slurred.

Blitza reaches a dead end. The agents corner her. Blitza puts Moxxie down and raises her gun, ready to fight.

"Back off, you tuxedo-wearing fucks!"

Blitza and the agents both ready their guns and prepare for a firefight. But just as the female imp is about to fire, Agent 2 pushes a button on her gun, causing Blitza and Moxxie to be electrocuted. Moxxie is shocked out of Blitza's grip and Blitza is zapped a 2nd time from residual charge, dropping her gun and going down for the count.

Agent 1 chuckles confidently. "I'd like to see the suits at corporate callin' us losers now! That was pretty badass!"

Agent 2 cocks her gun. "Super badass!"

***

Millie furiously punches the wall, tears in her eyes and making vicious demon screeches, before falling to her knees devastated.

"Shit! Shit, shit, shit!"

Lunar awkwardly stands behind her with Starla's Grimoire in his hands, looking concerned. "You, uh... You okay there?"

Millie stands up, startling Lunar into dropping the Grimoire and holding his hands up defensively.

"What're you doing sittin' there?! The boys are in trouble! Open it again!"

"Blitza was using a total of 0 euphemisms, innuendos, or swears. That means it was serious, which means I don't open it until—"

Consumed by rage and worry for her husband and boss, she grabbed Lunar by the shirt and yanked him down to face level.

"Open the fucking portal, now!"

"Okay, okay! Fuck!" Lunar raised his hands in surrender. "But unless you wanna end up exactly like they did, I suggest we gear up first."

She huffed and let him go. "Fine, but make it quick!"

Lunar zips a backpack labeled "Blitza's Emergen-C Bag" closed, an angry Millie twirls and lifts a giant double-headed axe with the 'M' in the middle, and Lunar transforms to his human form. The portal opens again, and Millie leaps out and lands in a pose while Lunar nonchalantly steps through.

"They aren't here!" Millie cried in dismay at the empty alleyway.

She drops her axe and falls to her knees again, tears welling in her eyes. Before she can cry, Lunar grabs and lifts her up, bending down to sniff the ground.

"Smells like they went this way." He said, recognizing his mother's familiar scent.

He drops Millie into the backpack and slings it onto his back, then grabs Millie's axe off the ground, resting it on his shoulder.

"Come on." Lunar said, running in the direction of the scent. "Let's find the Dumbass Twins."

***

Moxxie wakes up. He and Blitza are tied to chairs, and their tails are wrapped around an iron ball. Moxxie panics and briefly struggles to get out, until Agent 2 grabs the lamp over their heads and brings it close to Moxxie's face, causing him to flinch away.

"Finally awake, huh, little fella?" The human woman said. "Your partner has been a while now."

"Oh no no no, I am not his "partner", I am his boss!" Blitza said immediately.

"Boss, huh?" Agent 1 said, quickly jotting down a note on a notepad.

Blitza casually crossed one leg over the other. "Look, shitbag, it takes a lot to keep me down, allright? I took a fuck-ton of tranquilizers in the college I dropped out of. Also, I've been strapped nipple first to a car battery. So, I—"

She flinches as the lamp is shined in her face by Agent 1.

"Ohhh, okay!"

"Tell us, demon scum!" Agent 1 said. "Who do you work for? Satan?!"

Agent 2 grabs the light again. They begin grabbing it back and forth as they interrogate the two Imps.

"How did you get to our world from the afterlife?"

"Why are youse killin' humans?!"

"When did you show up here?"

"Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, bitch." Blitza said. "First of all, we just woke up from a veeeery nasty shock. And I'm still feelin' fuckin' woozy, so I'm gonna request you fetch us some coffee before we get into this. I mean, everyone gets coffee in shitty movies with scenes like this, am I right? I want somethin' iced, bitch!"

She turns her head around to Moxxie. "Mox?"

The boy lifts his chin and begins to rant off a long-ass coffee order.

"ENOUGH!" Agent 1 interrupts. "We aren't getting youse coffee!"

"Wow. I was getting massive douche chills just there, Mox. Congrats!" Blitza praises him.

Agent 2 leans up close to Moxxie's face. "If we have to, we are willing to resort to torture methods to get answers outta you nasty hell beasts!"

Moxxie tilted his head. "When you say "torture", do you mean physical or psychological? Physical seems counterproductive; we would likely tell you anything if it meant an end to the pain, and you would have no way of knowing what was true!"

[A/N: I love that Moxxie said that cuz I always think about that in torture scenes. Like, just lie!!!!!!]

"Or we might like it too much. And then you've got a whole new thing to deal with." Blitza said suggestively.

Agent 1 points accusatorily at Blitza. "What do you mean by that?"

Blitza raised an eyebrow, smirking. "Ah, you're stupid, huh? I can work with stupid. Mommy likey moron."

Moxxie squirms in his chair trying to hold in his laughter but laughs anyway. "Good one, ma'am! "Mommy likey moron"!"

"You better stop laughin' at us!" Agent 2 orders.

Agent 1 grabs Blitza by her pentagram necklace. "Yeah! You are the ones at our mercy!"

"It's hard to resist, I'm really sorry. I mean, considering your approach thus far, you've had us tied here for what, hours? And you haven't even had us confirm what exactly we are!"

Agent 2 leans down to Moxxie's level. "What are you?"

"I'm a Virgo."

"HAH!" Blitza cackled.

"Ohhhhh, a smart guy, eh?!" Agent 1 said.

"One more quip outta you and we'll shut you up!" Agent 2 threatens.

Blitza swayed her hips as much as she could while tied up. "Ooh, getting kinkyyyy!"

Both agents recoil in shock and horror.

"WHAAAAT?! We aren't playin' into your vile demon kinks!" Agent 1 shouted.

"I mean, that's what it sounded like back there, you sickos!" Blitza said.

"Please don't give them ideas, ma'am!" Moxxie said sarcastically.

"Why not? I know the shit you're into!" Blitza said, nudging his arm.

Moxxie gets an embarrassed look.

"Stooop!" Agent 1 leans toward Moxxie, pointing. "We are not gettin' kinky wit youse!"

Agent 2 grab Agent 1 and pulls him back. "Calm down, 1! Don't let these monsters get to you!"

The agents start to walk away.

"Heyyyy, aren't we gonna get our phone call, bitch?" Blitza demanded.

"Well, that entirely depends! Who are you gonna call? Hmmm?" Agent 1 asked, getting out his notepad to write down another note.

"Your fat mom, thankin' her for a fat time!" The female imp said.

"Nice try, demon! His fat mom is dead!" Agent 2 smirked.

Agent 1 starts crying into his own arm.

*******

At the exterior of the D.H.O.R.K.S. building, 2 guards armed with naginata stand outside the entrance. Security cameras loom over their heads. Millie and Lunar peek around the side of the building, looking for a way to sneak in.

"This where they ended up?" Millie whispered to the hellhound.

"This is where the smell led me." Lunar said. "Fuck, this looks intense. How we gonna get in?"

Millie sees a small vent over their heads and points at it. "Lift me up to that vent!"

Lunar raises his hand and Millie climbs up, opens the vent and crawls inside. She opens the side door from inside the building and lets Lunar in. They sneak through the halls trying to find Moxxie and Blitza, completely unaware that an unnamed D.H.O.R.K.S. guard can see them on the surveillance camera. The guard spits out his coffee in surprise--unintentionally soaking another guard--and sounds an alarm to alert the other guards of the trespassers.

Lunar screeches to a halt. A bunch of agents holding several Japanese melee weapons stand there. An agent holding a naginata runs toward Lunar and Millie and swings it at them. The demons duck, avoiding the blade.

Lunar jumps, swings the axe, chopping off an agent's leg while Millie shoots him twice with twin pistols. Lunar throws the axe at another agent's face where it sticks. Millie climbs the agent's body and removes the ax from his head, jumps to avoid yet another guard's katana swing, then chops the katana-wielding agent in two vertically.

They keep on fighting the agents until they reach a door. One agent hits a button attempting to stop the demons by closing the door on them. The other two reveal their shuriken and proceed to throw them at the demons, though they miss entirely.

"Throw me!" Millie commands.

Lunar throws Millie and she flies forwards just in time to get in before the door shuts. Screams of agony can be heard as Millie slaughters the agents off-screen. Lunar stands there awkwardly as he waits.

The blast door opens back up to show Millie surrounded by dismembered corpses and blood splattered on the walls and floor.

Lunar quirks an eyebrow and seamlessly walks past her. "Damn! You're pretty agile for an old lady."

Millie frowns. "I'm, like, 5 years older than you."

***

"Stop insultin' my mother, she's dead!" Agent 1 snaps with tears in his eyes.

Blitza just sticks out her tongue.

"Okay, okay!" Agent 2 intervenes, rubbing his shoulders as she leads him away. "Let's just leave them here till they feel like talking."

When the humans are gone, Blitza struggles against the ropes but finds them too tight.

"Don't worry, Mox. As long as we keep being obnoxious, they'll eventually slip up and we'll get a chance to get out."

Agents 1 and 2 watch them through a one-way mirror, having heard Blitza's plan and deciding to be one step ahead of her.

"Hmmm! So, the demons wanna play games, huh? Well, we can play games..." Agent 1 says.

Agent 2 chuckles and slams her fist onto a button called "TRUTH BOMB" which is between "HAHA GAS" and "BITCH JUICE".

Blitza struggled against the ropes to no avail.

"I'm just worried about Millie." Moxxie admits. "She'll be on her way by now, I'm sure!"

"Ugh, she'll be fine, Moxxie. She can take care of herself. And it would take a roided-up hippo to take down that girl when she's upset!"

"We've never dealt with the human government before! She's in danger!"

Green gas fills the room.

"Do you ever honestly shut up about Millie?!" Blitza demanded. "It's always "Where's Millie?" "I can't tonight. I'm hangin' with Millie!" "I'm so worried about Millie!" And she's ALWAYS 5 FUCKIN' FEET away from you! Jesus, I know she's your wife but it is just PATHETIC!"

Moxxie blinked. "That... was oddly personal."

Blitza got surprised. "Y'know, you're right! I don't know why the fuck I just let my guts spill like that."

Moxxie glances at the floor and sees the green gas surrounding the two of them, eyes widening in fear.

"Ma'am! They're filling this room with something!"

"Fuck! The hell is this?"

"I think it's some kind of airborne truth-telling serum!"

"Oh, you just guess that's what it is?"

"Well, uh... Just ask me something specific I wouldn't normally tell you."

"Okay. Uh... Does Millie ever peg you?"

Moxxie smiles and blushes. "Sometimes~ Wait! Eww! Fuck! Why that?!"

Blitza laughed and stomped her hoof. "Hah! I knew it!"

"Well, your outfit is tacky!" Moxxie said, then flinched in regret. "Fuck! I'm sorry..."

Blitza gasps dramatically. "How fuckin' dare you! I spend ages putting these outfits together to be the perfect blend of "goth girl" and "serious businesswoman"! You have shitty taste in music—! AH, I'm sorry!"

""Shitty taste"?!" Moxxie tears up. "You said you liked that musical I recommended to you!"

"I lied! I left halfway through!" Blitza said, unable to stop the truth from spilling out.

"You... You said you loved it!"

"It was awful, Moxxie! It was about ugly, horny caaaaats!"

Moxxie starts crying hysterically, then so does Blitza. "Oh, God, Moxxie! I've said so many lies to you!"

Agent 2 chuckles evilly. "This is gonna be a gooood night!"

Blitza coughs as more gas pumps in. Her vision starts to wobble and distort.

"Dammit, Moxxie! This is all your fault!" She finds herself saying.

"How is this my fault?!" He snaps defensively.

A musical trill and the sound of wind are heard. Moxxie stands up, the ropes falling away from him, and he walks forwards into purple fog. As he walks into the fog, the art style subtly shifts into something more Disney-esque and Moxxie's outfit changes into something classically appropriate. Organ music begins to play as Moxxie looks around in confusion.

"Blitza?" He coughed. "I- I can't see you! God, this smells awful! What's that music? Is that you? Is this a prank? Because I swear to Satan—!"

"IT IS NO PRANK, BITCH!"

He turns around to see Blitza sitting at an organ atop a flight of stairs.

She wears a magenta top with a ruffle on the collar, black skirt with grey lines, a black feather boa, black high-heels, and magenta stockings with roses decorating them. Her 3 necklaces are replaced by a pearl necklace and her spiky wrist cuffs are replaced by pearl bracelets.

And a mask over her right eye, turning it entirely red and imitates the white blotch normally seen on her face. The tattoo on her forehead is now a broken heart.

"Heyyyyyy!" Moxxie frowned in confusion. "Why do you sound like that?"

"Because you, my precious little bitch boy—"

"Stop it, ma'am!"

"—are tripping BAAAAALLLLS!"

[A/N: Iconic]

The shiny organ pipes act as a spotlight and points at Moxxie, who flinches. He grabs a candelabra and ascends the stairs, beginning to talk-sing.

"♫ No! What?! How could this be? ♫"

"♫ I've never tried acid, shrooms, or DMT! ♫"

"♫ It's a bad trip! Oy, gevalt! ♫"

"♫ Of course, Blitza, this would be your fault! ♫"

Then Moxxie starts singing normally.

"♫ My lungs are full of honesty ♫"

"♫ Would you promise me that you won't judge? ♫"

Blitza dramatically plays her organ. "♫ Yes, biiitch! ♫"

Moxxie: "♫ Not trying to divulge too much, ♫"

"♫ But, I'm in too deep. So, first of all: ♫"

He points accusingly. "FUCK YOU!"

Blitza: "♫ Whaaaat?! ♫"

Moxxie: *talk-singing* "♫ This is just typical!"

"♫ Well, two can play at this game of dismay! ♫"

"♫ 'Cause if you're here, causing frustration, ♫"

"♫ I'm torturing you in your hallucination! ♫"

***

In Blitza's hallucination, she finds herself sitting on a chair in a strange, formless wasteland made of ink. Stalactites made of ink drip in the foreground. Blitza's art style has shifted to be similar to early animation, presumably rubber hose.

She is wearing a black-and-white clown dress, black neck ruffles, 2 mismatched stockings, black slippers, and the tattoo on her forehead, as in Moxxie's hallucination, is now a broken heart. 4 globs of ink in pink, black, brown and red float around her in swirling motions.

Blitza stands up, almost falling over backwards from the softer terrain. The red glob becomes a 6-eyed monster and screeches at Blitza, dripping a bunch inky sludge on her. She looks at her hands, now coated in the red ink. She sniffs and licks at it before the ink monster comes up behind her screaming. Frightened, she stumbles and falls backward into the black ink ground. The ink monster lands and morphs into a version of Moxxie drawn a la the plan segment from "Spring Broken" that speaks in a British accent with old-timey audio quality. Gloomy rock music plays in the background.

"I simply follow your orders! It isn't my fault that your orders are as nonsensical as a sun tanning bed left out on the cold, rainy porch of a fresh April shower!" The doodle says.

"Why are you talking like that? What the fuck does that even mean?!" Blitza snapped.

The doodle Moxxie begins shifting between doodle and real Moxxie, his audio changing back and forth accordingly.

"I am simply speaking Satan's plain English! Perhaps you should crack open a dictionary some time! And then maybe you can understand half of the frivolous things I carry on and on about on my many rants about—"

The music gets louder while being accompanied by a high-pitched tone, drowning out doodle Moxxie's words. The camera zooms out as Blitza looks up at the 3 other ink glob creatures circling around them.

"Shut up!" She yells at the doodle Moxxie.

***

Moxxie: "♫ Why do you hurt me so? ♫"

Blitza:"♫ I knoooow! ♫"

Moxxie: "♫ Why must you push your friends away? ♫"

Blitza: "♫ I push my friends awaaaaay ♫"

Moxxie: "♫ Why does it seem like a recurring theme ♫"

"♫ That you alienate with your toxic routine? ♫"

Blitza: "♫ I don't know! ♫"

"♫ Eventually, everyone goes! ♫"

Moxxie: "♫ Cause you're thoughtless and cruel, ♫"

"♫ And you'll end up alone! ♫"

Blitza's mask-covered eye glares at Moxxie, outraged by the accusation.

***

In Blitza's hallucination, she is now standing motionless while the remaining ink creatures swirl and drip in the air above her.

"Admit it, my dear boss; you don't know what you are doing half the time... and you depend on me and the missus to manage your foolish flights of fancy!" The doodle Moxxie says.

"I don't need you!" She replies. "I can do this shit on my own so easily!l

The brown ink creature grabs her by the neck and throws her on the ground. It then morphs into Striker, who speaks with Blitza's voice in a Southern drawl.

"But ya don't wanna do things alone, Blitz-A!"

She swatted him away. "Get away from me, pervert! You were a terrible fuck!"

More brown sludge grabs Blitza and tosses her up into the air, then the grey ink creature morphs into a rubber hose version of Fizzarollia, who also has her voice.

"You tried the solo act, it didn't work out so well!" Fizzarollia said with a distorted laugh.

Hallucination Fizz winds her up and throws her to the ground. Blitza coughs as the pink ink creature lands on the ground, morphing into a hallucination of Verosika Mayday and taunting Blitza in her voice as well while crawling towards her seductively.

"Yet you still shove away anyone who gets too close until they *voice gradually becomes warped and distorted* resent you for being a selfish, shitty, shit fuck!"

Blitza sees a staircase forming from the ink behind her. She pulls hallucination Verosika's hands away from her own face and scrambles to it. The stairs transform into pristine white stairs with golden railings. Blitza runs up the ink-covered stairs as shiny, glowing white feathers fall onto the stairs and dissolve the ink away. Blitza trips on some residual ink and looks up, seeing Starla sitting on a throne at the top the stairs getting fanned by 2 imp silhouettes.

"Are you afraid to love people, Blitzy?" Starla asks.

The fans flap and transition into a close-up of Starla, who grins at Blitza. The female imp climbs the stairs on her hands and knees. Two of the glowing feathers fly onto her wrists and turn into golden shackles, while her clown costume turns into her indigo skirt and sports bra.

"I believe your subconscious is trying to tell you that you simply cannot fathom proper intimacy, but... also crave it as well." Moxxie says. "It's rather unfortunate, ma'am, considering it's often how you treat those who stand by you... such as myself."

As doodle Moxxie is talking, Blitza is almost to the top when another feather slaps onto her throat, turning into a golden shackle attached to golden chains while also cleaning the ink off her face and returning her fully to her normal art style. Starla pulls on the chains, pulling Blitza close to her and grinning mischievously.

At bottom of the stairs, the Striker, Fizz and Verosika hallucinations are gathered around doodle Moxxie as he monologues. They then turn back into inky sludge again and flu off. Doodle Moxxie then turns into a semi-normal Moxxie, looking quite feminine while wearing a purple dress and holding a fan in one hand. His audio quality also returns to normal.

"Are you worried I may have enough of it one day as well?" He asks.

Stressed and saddened, Blitza turns around with tears in her eyes. "STOP... FUCKING TALKING, ALL OF YOU!"

Hallucination Moxxie gets angry and closes his fan as he dissolves into gold dust and blows away.

Cuts back to the D.H.O.R.K.S. interrogation room where Blitza and Moxxie are drooling, locked in their respective trips. Agents 1 and 2 look at them from behind the glass, drinking soda and eating popcorn.

[A/N: Such assholes...]

In Blitza's hallucination, where Starla turns into gold dust and blows away. Her throne and its feathered surroundings also meet the same fate. The unseen hallucinations begin taunting Blitza.

"You're going to die aloooo-one!" Starla sing-songs.

"You're gonna die alone, Blitza!" Fizzarollia laughs.

In the sky above, all of the ink creatures swirl together. The gold dust that was once Starla and her throne ascend and join the multicolored vortex above. Blitza is surrounded by a tornado of golden feathers, which surround and stick to her. The hallucinations keep repeating, "You're gonna die alone, Blitza!". Blitza is covered in feathers until her arms are bound together and her mouth is covered. She opens her mouth in a silent scream, tearing the feathers away.

***

Blitza: "♫ Whyyyyyy, Moxxie, whyyyyyy, ♫"

"♫ Have you held your true feelings insiiiiiide? ♫"

Moxxie: "♫ I am scared of rejectioooooon ♫"

Blitza: "♫ Whyyyyyy, Moxxie, whyyyyyy, ♫"

"♫ Do you have Millie put it in your buuuuuutt? ♫"

Moxxie: "♫ It gives me an erectio- ♫ Heyyyy!"

Blitza: "♫ Noooooo need to hiiiiide ♫"

"♫ We accept your true feelings, so promise meeeeee ♫"

Moxxie: "♫ That I can dooooo ♫

"♫ To be truuuuue ♫.

Blitza: "♫ The world is your anus, so peg it with honesty ♫"

Moxxie: "Ohhhh..."

Moxxie walks up to hallucination Blitza and joins her in playing the organ.

Blitza: "♫ I've been a jackass, it's truuuuuue ♫"

Moxxie: "♫ You've been a jackass, it's truuuuuue ♫"

Blitza: "♫ But soon as we're back as ourseeeeelves... ♫"

Both harmonizing: "♫ I will be a better friend ♫"

"♫ Than I was before ♫"

Moxxie: "♫ Be better at speaking my miiind, aaaaand... ♫"

Both harmonizing: "♫ Togetheeeeer ♫"

"♫ We can begin to become... ♫"

"♫ Fiiine ♫"

The 2 hallucinations finally end as Moxxie and hallucination Blitza smile at each other.

***

Millie and Lunar walk up to a three-by-four 12-digit keypad. Millie walks closer and sees that the 1 button is the only one that shows any wear, while the other buttons are untouched.

"Try 1." She suggests.

Lunar presses 1 five times. The door slides open, revealing a reception desk. They look to each other in affirmation and run inside. Millie vaults over the desk as the door slams shut behind them.

Now that Moxxie's and Blitza's respective trips have worn off, they slowly wake up. Blitza glances up to see that the truth gas is no longer being pumped into the room. Both are silent for a moment.

"Do you remember what you said to me after my first day with the company?"

"Not really." Blitza huffs.

It's not exactly the truth because how are you supposed to forget what you said to your 1st employee at the opening of your own company?????

"I remember." Moxxie said. "You told me I did a good job and that you were proud to work with me. I feel like you wanted to say something more judgmental, but... you said that because I needed it... And it helped."

Blitza blinked at the floor beneath her hooves, not responding.

"You're a jackass to me, but..... When the agents had us cornered, you could have abandoned me and saved yourself. I wouldn't even have blamed you, really. Why would you slow yourself down by dragging me along?" Moxxie said. "But you didn't. You dragged me with you. My ex-boyfriend Chaz Thurman, he left me at the mercy of Hell's police because he didn't wanna waste time trying to help me."

"You've... never told me that story." Blitza said.

"Because it makes me sad just thinking about it." Moxxie sighed. "I thought Chaz loved me, but a man who loved me would never have done that. After that, I promised I would never be so naïve, I would never put that much trust into anyone. But you didn't leave me, ma'am. You were more faithful than my own boyfriend was."

Blitza rolled her eyes all the way to the back of her head. "Ugggggghhhh. Look, I'm hard on you, because I know what you're capable of, Mox. You care too much about what everyone thinks except for... me, because, y'know, my opinion is correct, but just... keep doing a good job. 'Kay? You shoot 'n kill good, you escape things easy... you can be strategic and cold-blooded when you need to, aaaand don't expect any more compliments; I'm maxed out."

"Thank you, ma'am."

As much as she loved being called "ma'am", she wanted to hear him say her real name right now. "You know my name. Use it."

"Thanks, Blitz."

The 2 imps look up as they hear a muffled pounding coming from the ceiling. Millie crashes through the ceiling, landing with a superhero pose.

"There's my Millie!" Moxxie cheers proudly.

Millie runs over to them and unties them.

"Impressive work, Mills! How'd you get here all by yourself?" The boss asked.

Millie and Moxxie have a tender reunion but are rudely interrupted when Lunar smashes through the one-way window using Agent 2 as a makeshift battering ram.

"Lunar?!" Blitza cries.

"Get your asses out here before more fuckers show up!" Lunar orders.

He throws Agent 2 at Agent 1 as he stands behind her in shock. Lunar crouches, wolf ears sprouting from his head, and leaps, having instantly reverted to his Hellhound form as he lands. He drops his backpack and Blitza and Moxxie grin maniacally at each other. Moxxie pulls out twin submachine guns while Blitza brandishes her trusty flintlock pistol, flicking the hammer. Agent 1 weakly presses a button, setting off an alarm. The I.M.P group turn as a few disposable mooks drop from the ceiling holding Japanese weapons, before even more cartoonishly slide in from the sides and encircle them. The I.M.P. group hold fighting poses, ready for a smackdown.

"Ooookay, I've had one too many emotions for today!" Blitza said. "Guys... let's fuck these fuckers up!"

As the 4 demons brutally kill the agents, Blitza acts as the mother of the group, going around to take care of her employees. She praises Moxxie when he does well, she gives water to Millie, and she lovingly smooches Lunar on the cheek.

"Eww! Mom—I mean, Blitza—, your lipstick is leaving marks on me!" He complained, wiping the lipstick kiss off his fur.

"Hah! You called me Mom!" She teased.

"Did not!" He said.

"Did so!" She said.

"Did not! And look out, there's an agent behind you!" He warned.

They kept fighting the agents.

"Oh, crumbs! Is everyone okay?" Moxxie says when the fight is over.

Blitza jumps on him. "WOOOOOO! How's that for demon scum?!"

Unfortunately, Agents 1 and 2 are still alive. They're hiding under a desk. Agent 2 nods at Agent 1, signaling him to hit a red button next to him aptly labeled '"RED BUTTON". This sets off an alarm and causes the entire screen to be tinted red.

"Oh, shit! C'mon, guys! Let's blow this cocksicle joint!" Blitza said, leading them away.

Blitza and Lunar run for the exit. Millie hoists Moxxie off the ground and they join the rest of the group.

"Hey!" Lunar yelped in shock as the doors slammed shut in his face.

A set of iron bars lowers in front of the doors, then a garage door closes further down, then a large steel door clamps down, lasers activate outside of it, and bathroom doors close outside of that, the vacancy indicator switching to "Occupied".

The I.M.P. gang beat against the door.

"Quick! The book!" Moxxie says to Lunar.

The hellhound boy pulls Starla's Grimoire out of the backpack and attempts to read it.

"Shhhit! I can't... I can't read the spell in this light! I can't see dick!"

Blitza searches herself for more weapons but comes out empty-handed.

"Well, shit. Looks like we've milked this weapon tit dry, and now we're out of badassery."

The 2 surviving agents grin in victory.

"Ha! You demons aren't goin' anywhere now! Haaa!" Agent 2 cackles.

Before the two agents can do anything, they begin noticing strange happenings around them. The I.M.P. gang's shadows growl and meld into a hideous beast. A screen suddenly turns on and flickers, rattling around aggressively before turning off, then showing the agents' reflections and the four-eyed silhouette of a certain someone who wasn't there before. The agents are startled as the screen breaks off of the wall, falls at their feet and slides away. Two more screens then break off of the wall while the rest shudder and display static.

"Who dares threaten... my impish little plaything?" Starla whispers.

"Who said that?!" Agent 1 says nervously.

The agents look at the floor, where bird-like footprints appear coming towards them. Another monitor bashes Agent 1 in the face, removing his shades and knocking him to the floor. He turns to look at Agent 2.

"Agent 2?"

Agent 2's head is spasming, her red eyes wide and mouth slack in shock and horror. Around her, dead bodies stand up, eyes completely black and empty. Agent 2 tries to stop her head spasming with her hands but fails. The black-eyed bodies kneel. Agent 1 stands back up, his shades returned to his face, and attempts to approach Agent 2. She removes her own shades and her head twists around "The Exorcist" style to look at Agent 1. She now has sharp teeth, bloodshot eyes, and her mascara has formed sharp streaks down her cheeks.

"What's the matter, demon hunter?" She says in both her own voice and Starla's voice. "Never seen a real demon before?"

The dead bodies draw Starla's summoning circle around Agent 2 in their own blood, which is now dripping from their eyes and mouths. She chuckles maliciously, eye twitching and nose bleeding. Agent 1 looks on in terror as Agent 2's head whips back to its normal orientation. Her eyes have rolled back. She throws her head back and vomits shadowy sludge and feathers. Demented laughter can be heard in a variety of voices. Agent 2 and the I.M.P. gang watch—Lunar snapping a photo—as the shadows coalesce into a demonic, shadowy owl monster. The shadow beast approaches the two agents, screaming and roaring at them as they huddle together out of sheer horror. The demon beast's essence pulls back and turns into Starla, looking at the agents with disdain. She turns away from them and clicks a button, shutting off the alarm and the red light as well. The series of doors is heard opening off-screen. Starla walks up to the gathered I.M.P. group, stopping in front of Blitza.

"Starla? Wha-... A- Wh- Hold on, how did you know that we needed help?" Blitza spluttered.

"I have my ways, darling." The owl princess said with a smile. "Are you allright?"

She leans forward, gazing into Blitza's eyes as she places a hand on her cheek. Blitza rolls her eyes.

"Ugh. I'm fine, Starla."

Starla caresses Blitza's head. "Mm. Good." She said softly.

Then Starla pulls Blitza's head in roughly and adopts a sharper, angrier tone.

"How the fuck... did you get caught by humans?! Are you little creatures not being careful up here?! You know if you *boops Blitza's nose* get in trouble, I get in trouble! We... *pinches Blitza's cheek* don't want that!"

Moxxie pulls Starla's hand away from Blitza's cheek, because Blitza looks scared for her life.

[A/N: it makes more sense for her to be scared of Starla now that she's seen what a bad bitch Starla can be]

"They... caught us off guard, your highness." The male imp says.

"Y-Y-Yeah..." Blitza says nervously. "You can... you can unclench your bird-puss, Starla. It's not gonna happen again."

Starla narrows her eyes skeptically.

Blitza sweats. "I promise you! I would never lie to you!" She says.

Starla flipped her hair-feathers over her shoulder. "Lucky for you... most don't believe the word of the demon-obsessed lunatics. They are seen as kooks."

Starla giggles and looking rather pleased with herself. Agent 1 and 2 are too scared to even let go of each other.

"Kooks! Such a silly word! Now!" The owl princess claps her hands to open a portal. "Let us all return!"

"Yes, please. I'd like to get back to the correct hellhole as soon as possible." Moxxie says.

Moxxie hops through and helps Millie through, Lunar walks through looking at Starla's Grimoire, and Starla picks up Blitza in a bridal carry.

"Am I going to get any thank you for the rescue, Blitzy?" She coos.

Blitza strokes her chin in thought. "Hmm. Well, I suppose you should. Want me to fuck you until you go catatonic tonight?"

[pic]

"Very much so." The other woman says.

Starla leans in for a kiss, but Blitza grabs Starla's hair and viciously pulls her head back.

"Allright." She says with a devilish grin. "But, you're keepin' quiet, or I'm usin' those bear traps!"

Starla blushed and her feathers fluffed with pleasure as she remembers the last time Blitza used bear traps on her. It had only been once, and Blitza had been really worried she was gonna injure Starla, but Starla insisted her instant-healing magic would let her be fine.

The thought of Blitza doing that again, but with more confidence this time was just......

"Ohhhh, please do~"

The women partake in a French kiss, Blitza pressing her palms onto the sides of Starla's face and writhing happily in Starla's grip, as they go back to Hell.

The end

Chapter Text

Blitza used a pair of tongs to pick up the bear traps and drop them back into Starla's closet with a series of loud, metallic clatters. She didn't have instant-healing magic, so she'd better put away the bear traps before she rolls over in her sleep and gets her arm snagged in one.

"You okay, Blitzy?" Starla asked from where she sat on the bed.

"Just tired." Blitza said, also putting away the dildo she'd been using on Starla and then shutting the closet doors before coming back to the bed. "First I have to kill a billion demon-hunting agents, then I have to fuck the shit out of you. I'm not a machine, Starla."

"Of course you're tired." Starla held out her arms, beckoning Blitza closer. "Come over here, dearie."

Blitza came into Starla's embrace, letting the other woman pull her into the bed. Starla tucked her under the velvety covers.

What Blitza didn't mention was that she wasn't just physically tired (although she was that too), she was also mentally drained from her hallucination. How her hallucination had preyed on her secret fears. Now that she was done having sex with Starla, all her thoughts were about the hallucination again.

"Would you like some hot chocolate? That's what always helps me when I'm super tired and stressed."

"Yeah, hot chocolate sounds fine."

Starla reached for her phone, clicked something on it, and in only a few seconds Starla's imp butler came upstairs with a tray of two hot chocolates filled with marshmallows.

"Thanks, buddy." Blitza said as she took one mug and Starla took the other, then the butler left. Once he was gone, Blitza commented, "Sometimes I wonder what your staff think about me always popping in here."

Starla chuckled. "I'm sure they have mixed feelings about you."

Starla sipped her hot chocolate without a care in the world, but Blitza was still brewing over the hallucination. Beneath her snarky, bitchy demeanour, Blitza did get hurt when people left her. She didn't want to be completely alone, although sometimes it felt like she might end up that way. She had already been abandoned before:

It had broken her heart when her crush/bestie Fizzarollia and her sister Barbie-Wire had cut contact with her.

She thought she and Verosika would get married and be together forever, but that didn't happen. Even though Blitza was the one who ended the relationship, she had still been heartbroken over it.

She had dared to think Striker might have feelings for her, but he used her as a quick hookup and then betrayed her.

Lunar kept on insisting Blitza wasn't his real mother. Which was true, she supposed, but she was the one taking care of him and shit. She deserved to be treated as his real mother even if she hadn't given birth to him.

And Moxxie..... Obviously Moxxie is the person she had learned the most new things about today. She was so rude to Moxxie all the time. But she wasn't lying when she said it's mostly because she knows he has untouched potential if someone pushes him in the right direction. She wanted to see Moxxie become the man he could be, and that meant giving him tough love sometimes.

But was it too much tough love? Would Moxxie end up leaving her? If he did, no doubt Millie would do the same, since M&M are a package deal.

But she tried to remind herself what Moxxie had told her, about his boyfriend Chaz Thurman turning his back on him when they were in danger, and how Moxxie no longer trusted anyone to stick around for him when he was in danger, but Blitza did. That had to mean something. That had to prove to Moxxie that Blitza likes him deep down. Plus, he seemed to genuinely love his job at I.M.P. and he loved how I.M.P. was proving to all of Hell that imps are more than they're given credit for, so she doubted he would quit on her.

As for Starla....... Blitza didn't even know what to think. Millie called them "girlfriends", but they weren't really. Girlfriends do more than just have sex, but Blitza and Starla had never been on a date or spent any time together when they weren't having sex.

Blitza didn't love Starla, did she? She couldn't. But when she'd seen Starla in action today, opening her full eldritch form and ferociously protecting Blitza... it had sparked a feeling in her chest that she'd never felt in her whole life. It was shock, obviously, as she'd always known Starla was a powerful demon but not this powerful. But there was something else there too...

Was that love? Did she officially love Starla now?

Blitza's hand tightened its grip on the quilt, her nails digging into the velvety fabric. God, love could be scary sometimes.

But then her heart sank as she remembered the thing Starla had said before she did her whole demonic eldritch performance. 'My impish little plaything'. It made it sound like she only viewed Blitza as a sex toy, or as a slave who only existed to come stick a dildo in her pussy whenever she snapped her fingers. That wasn't love. That was just horniness and degradation toward imps.

Blitza sipped her hot cocoa and glanced over at Starla, who still sat next to her. Blitza knew all her troubles would be solved if she just asked Starla what her feelings were. The owl-girl was literally right here! But Blitza had always sucked balls at talking about feelings. How do you do it without making it awkward and cringeworthy?

Starla put her emptied mug on the nightstand. "So I suppose I'll see you on the next full moon?" Starla asked, adjusting the straps of her satin nightgown in preparation to go to sleep.

With a burst of confidence, the imp said, "Uh, you know what? Why don't I stay?"

Starla blinked. "Wait, what?"

"Sure. Why not? I'm too tired to make the long-ass journey back to my apartment anyway. And your bed is cozy!" She chuckled.

"But you've... never spent the night before." Starla said in confusion. "I asked you to one time, but you just said "Stop being ridiculous, Starla"."

"Yeah, well, that was only the first or second time we'd had sex so I wasn't too sure. But now that I'm more familiar with your palace and all that shit, I could spend the night." Then hopefully you'll stop viewing me as just a plaything.

Starla was quiet, still unable to believe it.

Blitza bit down on her lower-lip, cheeks heating up with embarrassment. "I mean, if you're not comfortable with it then I'll GTFO." She pulled back the cover and started to get up. "I would hate to—"

"No!" Starla dove forwards and wrapped her arms around Blitza's waist to pull Blitza back down. Blitza just barely managed to keep her remaining hot chocolate from spilling all over the sheets as she got jolted around. "No, silly-billy, I never said that! Stay if you want."

Blitza chuckled affectionately and patted Starla's head. "That's my girl."

The women shifted around until they got comfy in each other's embrace. They faced each other, Starla in between Blitza's arms. Blitza tucked Starla's head under her own arm, the princess making an "mmm" sound of contentment as she smiled and buried her face in Blitza's arm. As Blitza looked down at Starla, looking all cozy and relaxed as she fell asleep in Blitza's grip, she found herself wishing they could be like this every night.

Blitza did find relationships boring at times, but would it really be that bad to come home to a girl like Starla every night?

She waited a minute or so to be certain that Starla had fallen asleep. Then Blitza bent down, smoothed her hair-feathers back, and gave the princess a kiss on the forehead. "We'll be like this one day, Starla. Okay? Just give me time."

The end

Chapter Text

A tree falls through the portal, along with a severed head. Moxxie peers out of the fallen tree, carrying a chainsaw. Blitza walks into the office.

"Woo, that was a fuck ton of lumberjacks!" She cheered, high on adrenaline from killing a whole group of lumberjacks.

Millie crawls across the floor like a crab, an axe between her teeth. "I'm still so jazzed up!" She yells.

She snaps the axe in half and laughs. She then walks over near the rest of the group.

Moxxie smiled at her. "Well you better stay jazzed, *points finger guns* babe. Because, guess where I'm taking you tonight?"

Blitza rolled her eyes, busy dusting the dirt off her skirt. "Don't you dare finish a filthy pun in my presence, Moxxie. Besides, drinks are on me tonight. Let's hit up the new dive down the street."

"Actually, ma'am, it's our 1-year marriage anniversary. So, I'm taking Millie to Moddie's the Lust Ring!"

Millie's eyes sparkle and she squeals in delight. "Moddie's?! No way! That place is always booked!"

Moxxie smiled, proud of himself. "Yeah, well I've been planning it for quite a while."

"Moxxie!" She squealed, jumping into his arms and kissing his face before they both started French kissing and making out.

Blitza groaned. "Ugh, can you two not?"

"I'm sorry we couldn't get drinks with you, ma'am. Maybe another time?"

"No, it's fine!" She said. "I-I can come with the two of you, help you celebrate your boring as fuck monogamy."

Moxxie blinked. "...Uh, no. The reservation is for us."

Blitza nodded. "Uh huh!"

"Just us."

"Mhm!"

"Without you there. Explicitly without you there."

"I'll wear something nice. It's a big deal after all." Blitza hugged the two of them tightly. "See you lovebugs later!

She whistles on her way out as Moxxie growls in anger.

"Relax, sweetie, don't let her get to you today. Let's just go home and... clean this blood off."

Moxxie blushes, flustered. She drags her finger down from his chest and makes a seductive purring sound as they walk off holding hands.

***

At home, Lunar got a text from Vortex.

Yo, man, what's good? So my gf is throwing a party 2nite and I asked her if I could invite the hound I met once, and she said she can't WAIT to meet u. Ur not busy tonight, are u?

Holy shit, was he getting invited to a party? That didn't happen often. Lunar had gotten over his crush on Vortex, but he was still curious to meet Vortex's girlfriend.

Yea, I'll come, just gimme the address of her place. Lunar typed back.

Vortex texted him the address, and it was somewhere in the Gluttony Ring.

But then Lunar started to get nervous. What would he even wear to the party? Was he supposed to dress casual or fancy? He only had one "fancy" suit, and he hadn't worn it in forever so he'd probably have to beat the dust out of it before he could even wear it.

He won't know anyone at the party except for Vortex. He sure hoped Vortex won't be a jackass and go off with other people, leaving Lunar alone, because then Lunar would probably be standing there all by himself until the party was over.

Blitza was in the bathroom, getting ready for something (spying on M&M's date, Lunar assumed). Lunar found her applying smoky makeup all around her eyes.

"Hey, Blitza, could I ask you about something?"

"Sure, kiddo." She said without turning around, too concentrated on what she was doing.

Lunar wanted to ask for advice for the party, because Blitza gets invited to parties more often than he does so she'll probably be able to tell him what they're usually like. But he found himself feeling awkward to ask it. "I... I just... I..."

"Hey, could you get my hairspray?" She asked, screwing the lid back onto her mascara bottle. "It's in the closet. The tall blue-and-pink bottle."

Lunar went to the closet to find the hairspray. Blitza gathered her dark hair into one hand and began spraying it, making Lunar cringe at the strong smell.

"So, what did you wanna ask me?"

"Uh, just wanted to tell you I'm going to a party." Lunar said.

"Is it somewhere far away?" She asked. "Because I'm gonna be taking the car."

"No, it's cool, I'll just get a taxi." He said.

He went down to his basement bedroom and slumped onto the bed. Whatever. He doesn't need Blitza's advice, he'll figure it out himself.

***

"Elevator 666 departing for Lust *in seductive tone* in 5 minutes." The intercom announced at the subway.

Moxxie fixed his bowtie before going back over to Millie and holding her hand again. They walk off together and Blitza peers from on the other side of a pillar. Millie and Moxxie sit down in a waiting area as Blitza spies on them behind a newspaper. She wears a black dress with purple roses clustered on the side of the bodice, fishnets on her hands and hooves, black heels with a purple rose on the toe, and a black choker with roses on it.

She tries to call Lunar but just gets the voicemail recorder. "Yeah, it's Lunar. Whoever you are, go for it." It says.

"Hey, Lunie. Just wanted to let you know I'm not gonna be back home until real late. I got something important tonight."

Blitza ends the voicemail and smirks. The scene cuts to several flickering neon signs. Then it zooms out to the front of Moddie's and cuts to Moxxie and Millie walking inside the building. Blitza attempts to follow them in, but the bouncer, Jesse, grabs her by the tail and yanks her back out.

"Woah there, buddy. Got a reservation?" He demanded gruffly.

"Oh, yeah. I'm with those two." Blitza tried to leave, but Jesse put a hand on her shoulder to turn her back around.

"This club is for couples only." The male imp said.

"It's what?"

"No date, no reservation, no entry."

Blitza looks up and down at Jesse, and tries to pick up the bouncer as her date instead.

"Y-You know..." She batted her long, thick eyelashes. She tossed her hair over her shoulder to expose more of her bared chest, and her left hand yanked down the bodice of her dress, showing off the top part of her breasts. "You have really nice eyes... Daddy?"

[A/N: He is daddy. He's actually so hot]

Jesse sighed heavily. "Moddie don't pay me enough for this." He muttered before swiftly tossing Blitza over his shoulder and marching away.

"Wait, wait, what the—!"

Jesse dropped her into a nearby dumpster, the lid slamming shut. Then he dusted his hands off on each other and went back to his post. Blitza popped up out of the trash.

"You fucking prude!" She screamed, giving him the middle finger behind his back.

She gets out, her tail gets caught, and she ends up on top of trash bags. She crosses her arms and pouts for a minute, but then she gets an idea. It cuts to Starla in her palace's dining area, pouring milk into her cereal. She groans as it shows her sitting at an empty table. She carries her bowl to a couch and covers herself with a blanket. Starla turns on the TV to "Hell-a-Novela" and slumps down.

"Ay, why won't you love me Alejandro?" Asks a character called Gabriella.

"That's a mood, Gabriella." Starla says before eating a spoonful of cereal.

The telephone rings. Smoke comes out and says "Blitzy is calling". Starla realizes and slightly chokes but then scrambles over to the phone, spilling her bowl and getting stuck in her blanket in the process.

"Helloo? Hello, Blitzy?"

"Starla! Hey, hey, girl!" The female imp said. "You-uh, shit... you busy tonight?"

Are you busy tonight? That's a question that usually led to an invite for a date. Starla's heart leapt into her throat, but she swallows it back down, not wanting to get too excited. Blitza had never asked her on a date before.....

"Umm, why do you ask?"

"I was wondering if you... wanna come with me to a club tonight?"

Starla was speechless for a few seconds before she found her voice. "Are you... are you asking me out, Blitzy?" She blushed and her pupils turned into hearts.

"I-yes, I suppose that is what's happening. How fast can you get down to Lust?"

Starla had already leapt from the couch and was sprinting around her house in search of her beauty products. "I can be ready in 20!"

"Alright, fantastic. See you soon."

"I'll see you, Blitzy~"

Starla raced over to her vanity, a million beauty products held in her arms, which she dumped onto the vanity. She looked at the owl-demon in the mirror, so frumpy and depressed-looking, but then she grinned widely as she realized this was it. She was going on a date with her darling Blitzy.

Starla went to her wardrobe and pulled out a ballgown, then tied a cape around her neck. This cape was enchanted to have stars and galaxies twinkling on its crimson fabric, and Starla hadn't worn it in ages. She'd been saving it for a special occasion.

Then she went to the vanity and put on her makeup, then ran a curling iron over her hair-feathers, giving them soft, bouncy curls at the ends but not making them too tightly curled. She put on a purple choker.

Blitza paced up and down the street. "Come on, come on, come on..."

She was secretly a bit nervous. She's been on dates before, but this was her first one with Starla. She tried to remind herself that I've already kissed her, talked to her, seen her naked, AND fucked her a billion times. It's not like we don't know each other at all, so why be nervous? But she couldn't shake the anxious feeling.

A portal opened behind Blitza and Starla stepped out.

"Oh, Blitzy. I'm here~" She said, striking a pose.

Blitza turned around and her jaw dropped to the ground. Starla looked fucking........

"Stunning." The imp said softly, her eyes wide as they fixated on Starla. "God, Starla, you look fucking stunning."

Starla lowered her head as a delighted blush went over her cheeks. "Thank you, dear."

"You're a fucking knockout, Star. But... do ya think this is a bit overkill? It's just a club."

Starla chuckled as she fixed the bodice of her dress. "W-well, I-I just wanted to look a little nicer for you. This is our first real date after all."

She bends down and holds out her hand. Blitza takes it and they go toward the club.

"Oh yeah, I guess this is, huh." Blitza realizes.

As they walked down the street together, Blitza found herself feeling proud to have Starla on her arm.

"You, again?" Jesse said when he saw Blitza. "Beat it, bitch!"

"Ahem, do we have a problem?" Starla asked.

"Oh!" Jesse's eyes widened in horror as he realized he'd just disrespected a demon princess's girlfriend. "Uh, shit! Uh, my apologies, your highness. Uh, please go right in."

"Thank you, we very much will." Blitza says, pushing Jesse over as she passed by him.

Blitza and Starla enter Moddie's and find a table.

Starla gasps at the sight of the fancy nightclub. "Oh, my! Oh, no; No, but, yes! Oh, Blitza, how romantic is this? What made you choose such a place to bring me?"

Blitza pulls out a pair of binoculars. "Oh, it just sounded like— I just thought we'd have a blast here, you know?" She spots her employees. "Gotcha!"

"Oh, Blitza. What are you looking at?"

"I'm looking at nothing; how about that?" Blitza said with her back turned.

A waitress named Crane comes over to their table. "Can I get you two off- I mean, start you two off with some drinks?"

"Yes! Um, perhaps some wine to share; do you prefer red wine or white, Blitza? Or perhaps some champagne?"

"Yeah, whatever." Blitza says.

Starla chuckled nervously. "Well, perhaps all three. Why not? So, Blitza, how was your day?"

Blitza finally turns in her seat to face Starla. "Huh? Oh, good I guess. We killed a bunch of beardos."

"That sounds fun! How did you kill them?"

"How? I-I-I mean, there was a lot of them, so I-bullets. But we also snatched one of their chainsaws and used it."

"Right, right... so, what made you decide to ask me out after all this time?"

"Uhhhh..."

The original reason was that Blitza wanted to spy on her employees. But that wasn't the only reason, as she actually did want to spend quality time with Starla, she just didn't know how to ask for it.

But then music starts playing and several dancers descend from the ceiling.

A feminine voice booms from the loudspeaker. "Ladies and gentlemen! I see some sexy faces around here tonight!" She descends from the center stage. "Welcome, welcome, to Moddie's: Lust ring's number 1 place for all kinds of sick twisted fantasies. Put on display for all you 'Sleaze' and 'Sleazettes'. The gin joint of Asmodeous herself! C'mon, give her some LOVE!"

"Did she just say Asmodeus?" Starla asked.

Blitza gasped when she saw the female imp who appeared on stage. Her face was caked with clown makeup, but Blitza would recognize her anytime, anywhere. This was a disaster.

"Oh, no fucking way. Not her!" She panicked, hiding behind a menu.

"Blitza? Do you know that woman?" Starla asked, frowning.

"Do I know that woman?!" Blitza repeated incredulously.

"I am the one and only Fizzarollia!" The jester went on. "Some of you may recognize this dashing clown face from my numerous toy-botic replicas across the rings of Hell. Gloriously designed by the big woman herself and uh..." She rolls up a sleeve, revealing a cybernetic arm. "...ribbed for your pleasure tonight. We have a great lineup for you tonight: Verosika Mayday, Wet Dream and The Squirterz!"

Verosika appears at the bar and quickly shoves aside Wally Wackford as the latter hands her a drink. Verosika then poses during a paparazzi as members of the Squirterz appear beside her.

"But, as everyone's warming up, I got a funny one for y'all: Did any of you hear about the bat-shittery that happened at Looloo Land?"

The audience laughs.

"Hahaha! Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. I'll tell you what: I'd sure love to shake the hand of the crazy son of a bitch who decided to burn down that off brand shithole and then slap a fat subpoena in it, 'cause I am very much looking to sue!"

Both Starla and Blitza look away.

"That robo me made us more money entertaining those kids than the ones we sell to get you freaks off, if you know what I mean." Fizz giggles maniacally.

"Oh, I know what you mean! I have 4 of them!" A patron in the audience said, looking at Fizz hungrily.

Fizz gets uncomfortable and pulls out a hidden mic. "Okay, keep that guy far away from me." She orders. Then she turns back to the audience. "So, without wasting any more time, our little opening act is a fresh one! Coming at us from a little imp from the Wrath Ring, give it up for Moxxie... with no creative stage name whatsoever."

The audience applauds, as Moxxie gets up with his guitar before kissing Millie on the cheek. Fizzarollia moves from her spot to another, as Moxxie takes the stage.

Moxxie bites his lip nervously as he stands on stage, but he tries to gather his courage. "Hello, everyone— Oh!" He says when the microphone squeaked. Then he clears his throat. "Hi, thank you for letting me be here. It's an honour to play."

"Uh, hurry up, boy, and, uh, sing, boy! I say, I say—" Wally Wackford complained.

"This song is for my beautiful wife, a surprise for our 1st anniversary." Moxxie went on. "I love you, Millie."

Millie smiles lovingly as Moxxie starts strumming his guitar and begins to sing his song.

Moxxie: "♫I love you. ♫"

"♫More than the brimstone loves the fire.♫"

"♫More than Beelze loves her bub♫"

"♫More than a maggot loves gangrenes stubs♫"

During the song, everyone looks with a confused look on their faces. Blitza cringes, because this song is romantic but still so fucking corny. Millie looks happy and lovesick. But Fizzarollia looks at her companion hidden in the shadows with a smug look while her companion glares.

Moxxie: "♫You make my spirit sing♫"

"♫Yeah, you make me glad I live in Hell♫"

"♫Our love is a story sweet to tell♫"

"♫Yeah, you cast a special Satanic spell♫"

"♫Over my heart♫"

The smoke machines activates, hitting Millie directly. The scene is full of pink smoke and hearts only surrounding Moxxie and Millie.

"♫Love is a journey we decided to start♫"

"♫Yeah, I hope we'll never ever be apart♫"

"♫I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you♫"

Singing the same line over and over, this is drowned by Fizzarollia and Asmodeus saying the same thing over him. Their silhouettes are shown laughing right behind his back. They appear from the smoke.

Asmodeus: "♫You singing love songs in my lustful lounge?♫"

Fizzarollia: "♫Moddie's ain't the place for sentimental sounds!♫"

Asmodeus: "♫What'd you expect from a proprietor like us?♫"

Fizzarollia: "♫Your demon host, Asmodeus, the embodiment of lu-u-u-u-u-ust!♫"

Asmodeus: "♫Give me a thrust! ♫"

Fizzarollia makes trumpet sounds

Asmodeus: "♫Show me some lust! ♫"

Fizzarollia trumpets, again.

Asmodeus: "♫From the groin to the bust! In desire we trust, in the House of Asmodeus♫"

Fizzarolli: *vocalizing, again* Trumpet! Hah!

Asmodeus: "♫Little Imp, you came here to sing your serenade♫"

Asmodeus: "♫Perform your feelings on a velvety stage♫"

Asmodeus: "♫Well, we got a saying that's popular in these parts♫"

Fizzarolli: "♫Only little bitches strum the strings of their hearts!♫"

Asmodeus: "♫You wanna hang around this lustful town?♫"

Asmodeus: "♫Ditch the lovey-dovey before we knock you around! ♫"

Asmodeus "♫Here we sing about wants and desires♫"

Fizzarolli: "♫Depravity, savagery, loins hotter than fire!♫"

Asmodeus: "♫So, give me a thrust♫"

Asmodeus: "♫Show me some lu-u-u-u-ust♫"

Asmodeus: "♫From the groin to the bust, Little Imp, you just must♫"

Asmodeus: "♫In the House of Asmodeus♫"

Asmodeus: "♫Come on, sing us a so-o-o-o-ong!♫"

Asmodeus dances on a pole while Fizzarollia throws money on her.

Asmodeus: "♫Make sure the subject is getting it on♫"

Asmodeus: "♫Make it graphic and tantrically long♫"

Fizzarollia: "♫Be sure to rhyme "thong" and "schlong"!♫"

Asmodeus: "♫Go ahead, the mic's on! ♫"

Moxxie nervously continues his part of the song. He strums his guitar once more quietly.

Moxxie: "♫I want to...♫"

"Yeah, what do you want? Butt stuff? Piss play? Bondage?" Fizzarollia hinted.

Moxxie: "♫Make gentle love to you♫"

Asmodeus groaned, her and Fizzarollia not satisfied with his response.

Asmodeus: "♫What a limp-dick imp, you're really killing the vibe♫"

Asmodeus: "♫Get a load of this dweeb and his unsatisfied bride!♫"

The audience makes fun of Moxxie, who ducks his head and blushes in embarrassment. Seeing Moxxie be embarrassed like that sparks a sisterly "NOBODY BULLIES M&M EXCEPT FOR ME! (And Lunar I guess)" feeling in Blitza, and she immediately stood up from her seat.

"Hey, now." She said defensively. "I've watched those two pork many times."

Moxxie is shocked to see his boss followed him here. "What?! Blitza?!"

"And "unsatisfied" is not a word I would ever use to describe either of them by the time they're done with each other. Honestly, they make missionary look relatively exciting." She finished.

Moxxie has a disgusted look on his face. Fizzarollia pops in, grinning.

Fizzarollia: "♫Is that Blitz-A? So, you're showing your face?!♫"

"♫Hey, everybody! This girlie's a total disgrace!♫"

"♫Some nerve you've got to comment on a relationship♫"

"♫Last I checked, your love life is a—" Fizzarollia leaned forward on her cybernetic legs and roughly flicked Blitza's shoulder "—PILE OF SHIT!♫"

"Oh, Blitz-A?" Verosika asked, appearing behind them with a shit-eating grin on her face. A spotlight shined down on her, and she swayed her hips and began to sing.

"♫I used to date her (date her, date her!)♫"

"Oh, Verosika, you're here." Blitza said in annoyance.

Verosika: "♫I'd stroke her, I'd lavish her (lavish her, lavish her!)♫"

"♫Yeah, but when it was my turn (my turn, my turn!)♫"

"♫She did no reciprocatin' (what a weak-ass!)♫"

Verosika jumped on the ground and kicked Blitza's shoulder, making the imp woman fall backwards and hit her back against the stage. Blitza winced and rubbed her shoulder, because Verosika's heels sure were sharp.

"♫A selfish imp in the sheets♫"

"♫And just as bad in the streets♫"

Verosika dropped onto her hands and knees to be at Blitza's level, glaring directly into her ex-girlfriend's eyes. "♫A reckless, heartbreaking freak!♫"

"♫Who's that at the table? Is your date a demon princess?♫" Asmodeous asked.

A spotlight flew over to Starla, who looked around with a panicked deer-in-the-headlights look as everybody's eyes went on her.

"♫Starla, is that you?♫"

"Are you sleepin' with an Imp?!" Wally Wackford asked, a lot louder than necessary.

Asmodeus: "♫Wooo! My dark lady, how the mighty do fall♫"

"♫You used to have a smoking husband, a kid, you had it all♫"

Illusions of Octavia and Stellan appear before her. They both glared down at her distastefully. Starla was... well, she was used to getting distasteful looks from Stellan. And she honestly didn't care, because that man could never be pleased.

But Octavia... Starla never, ever wanted to see the real Octavia look at her like that. It would break her heart.

Asmodeus: "♫I hope you didn't give it up. So, you and her could get it on♫"

The hallucinations walk away and vanish, and Fizzarollia puts Blitza back into her chair. Blitza looks up at Starla guiltily.

Asmodeus: "♫You sold your life for a thrust!♫"

Starla grabs the menu and uses it to hide her reddened face. Seeing Starla get embarrassed, it made Blitza feel the same way, and she lowered her head down so her dark hair was somewhat hiding her face.

Asmodeus: "♫Now, that's the spirit of lu-u-u-ust!♫"

"♫Grab your groin or a bust♫"

"♫Prepare to get your hair mussed♫"

"♫Pretend you don't see that crust♫"

"♫Hump 'til your junk turns to dust!♫"

Fizzarollia cartwheels onto the stage next to the Sin of Lust, and they stand together and harmonize the end of their song.

Fizzarollia and Asmodeus: "♫In the House of Asmode-e-e-e--♫"

Millie interrupts the verse by whacking Fizzarollia with Moxxie's guitar.

"Hey!" Asmodeous yelped.

Millie handed the guitar back to her husband. "I think you were trying to sing something for me, Mox."

"Yeah, I was." He smiled and began to strum the guitar again. "♫I love us♫"

"♫I love us just the way we—"

"Stupid fucking bitch!" Asmodeous shouted. She grabbed Millie's arm to spin her around, then pounded a fist into Millie's face. The imp girl fell onto her back with a grunt.

"Millie!" Moxxie cried.

Asmodeous raised her fist to punch Millie again, but Moxxie quickly threw himself between them. "Don't! Please!" He shouted at the Sin of Lust.

Asmodeous was still panting with anger, but she left Millie alone and went to tend to Fizzarollia, who'd been knocked out.

"Oh shit, Millie, are you okay?" Moxxie asked.

Millie sat up. She could feel her right eye swelling and turning black, but she forced herself to smile. "Don't worry 'bout me, Mox. Sing your song! You've been working hard on it."

Moxxie hesitated a bit, but then he kept singing as Millie shakily managed to get up.

Moxxie: "♫Don't have to pretend to like to do things we don't♫"

Lithe, the stagehand, looks at this with boredom, but accidentally pulls one of the levers, lifting Moxxie and Millie up.

"♫I've always got you around to laugh at my stupid jokes♫"

"♫I'll never take you for granted♫"

"♫I'll always give you my best♫"

"♫And if you can offer the same thing♫"

"♫We'll handle the rest♫"

"♫'Cause I love you♫"

Fizzarollia, who has recovered and is cradled in Asmodeous's arms, makes an "I'm gonna puke" gesture. Asmodeus and Fizz share a cuddle, while Verosika perched on the edge the stage and drinks from a wineglass.

Moxxie: "♫'Cause I love you♫"

Moxxie's and Millie's lips connect in a kiss that is so passionate and so magical that the audience has to applaud, despite all the drama that just went down.

Starla looks at Blitza who seems humiliated. She reaches her hand towards hers to comfort her, but Blitza pulls her hand away from Starla.

"You know what? This was a mistake. Allright, let's just— let's just leave."

Starla deflates, disappointed their date is being cut short. "You want to leave?"

"Do you think there's anything for us to do here now that we just got outed?"

"Oh. Good point." Starla realized.

The two women leave the building. Moxxie and Millie are still making out, while Fizzarollia and Asmodeous watch them.

"Aww... ain't that just such a happy display?" Asmodeous said. "It sickens me! *demonic voice* GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Asmodeous grabbed Moxxie and Millie both by the arm and threw them off the stage. Fortunately Moxxie landed on his feet, and when Millie came flying down, he caught her.

"And don't forget this melodious instrument of yours." Fizzarollia added before picking up the guitar and throwing it off the stage too.

It landed with a loud crash, shattering into pieces.

"My guitar!" Moxxie shrieked in horror, tears filling his eyes. Obviously he could just go buy a new guitar, but he'd been pretty emotionally attached to that one.

Millie got down from Moxxie's arms, then took his hand and led him out of the club. "Come on, hun, let's get out of this shithole." She said, glaring over her shoulder at Fizzarollia and Asmodeous. Fizz flipped her middle finger at Millie.

***

Blitza took Starla to her car and opened the passenger door for her to get in.

"Thank you." Starla said.

"If there's some trash on your seat, just brush it outta the way." Blitza instructed.

But after that, she didn't speak a single word as she drove Starla back to her palace. Starla drummed her fingers on the windowsill as she watched the city lights blur past, secretly waiting for Blitza to speak to her. She looked over at Blitza a few times, but the imp never looked back at her, just keeping her eyes glued to the road.

When they got to the palace, Starla got out and bumped her head on the car door, due to this car being made for short little imps. She leaned into the passenger window to talk to Blitza. "Thank you, for... inviting me out tonight. Despite everything that's happened, I...I enjoyed spending time with you."

"Yeah." Blitza said simply.

"You know, I have some more wine in the house. Octavia's with her father and her cousin this weekend. So, we could—"

"I'm not fucking you tonight, idiot! I'm really just—" Blitza sighed and pressed her fingers to her face. Tears were gathering in her eyes but she blinked them away. "I'm really not in the mood, Starla."

Starla was quiet for a second. "We could talk, or... watch a movie, or... maybe cuddle?"

"Cuddle?" Blitza repeated, scowling. "Since when do you get the urge to cuddle? Starla, don't act like what we have is anything but you wanting me to fuck you, okay? You make that really clear all the time. *voice breaking* But, I just, I-I can't do it tonight, okay?"

The women both look at each other sadly.

Blitza's hands tighten on the steering wheel. "I'm sorry."

"Okay." Starla stood up and pinched the skirts of her ballgown as she bowed down to Blitza.

Yes, she remembered how she'd bowed to Blitza just like this on the 1st time they'd met. She remembered how her father Paimon had immediately yelled at her for it. Commoners are supposed to bow to princesses, not vice versa. But maybe she felt like this commoner deserved some respect, or maybe tonight's events had just made Starla feel rebellious.

"Goodnight, Blitza."

"Night."

Blitza drives away from the mansion's driveway, leaving Starla all by herself. The owl princess sheds a tear and sits in front of her staircase, the loneliness setting in, as she wished things didn't have to be so goddamn complicated between her and Blitza.

***

Blitza returns to her apartment. When she puts away her keys, for a minute she just stands there with her hands pressed to her eyes, taking deep breaths as she remembers what happened between her and Starla.

Her wall is wallpapered by photos of her employees, and even one photo of her and Fizz together. But Blitza is scribbled out in all of the photos.

She goes to knock on the door of the basement, wanting to tell Lunar about what happened and get his opinion on it, but then she remembers that he's not even here. He went to that party with Vortex.

Blitza goes to her bedroom, shuts the door and slumps onto her bed. She takes out her phone and looks at photos of herself and all the people who she'd gone and fucked up her friendship/relationship with.

She comes across a picture of her and Starla cuddling. Why was she so selfish? Why did she invite Starla out on a date only to spy on M&M? That was a dick move, Blitza had to admit to herself, and even though it was also partly because she'd wanted to hang out with Starla, she wouldn't blame the owl princess if she was mad at her.

She swipes to a picture of her drinking bubble tea with Moxxie and Millie. Her stalking was getting out of control, and she wondered if they were gonna hate her for stalking them tonight. Would they even come to work on Monday? Maybe they'd call in sick because they were too mad at her to even be near her.

She swipes to a photo of her with Moxxie joining I.M.P.

She swipes to a photo to when she first adopted Lunar. He still hardly ever called her 'Mom'. That was probably just him having a nasty attitude, but Blitza couldn't help feeling like it was her fault too.

She swipes to a photo with her and Verosika when they were a couple. Verosika had just publicly announced what a terrible girlfriend Blitza was, and honestly Blitza didn't even disagree with the succubus.

Eventually, she swipes to photos of her younger self with a younger Fizzarollia (who still has her limbs and horns, and her head tattoo is similar to that of Blitza's). When Fizz had rolled up her sleeve to show the audience her prosthetic arm, Blitza had felt an excruciating stab of guilt, as she was responsible for making Fizz have to amputate all 4 of her limbs. No wonder their friendship was ruined, all thanks to a stupid mistake Blitza made while trying to confess her feelings for Fizz. Now Fizz was with Asmodeous, and she clearly didn't give a shit about Blitza anymore, as she had just publicly humiliated her without any remorse.

She swipes to a photo of her and her sister Barbie-Wire. Her sister had become a drug addict because of the consequences from a mistake made by Blitza. Her whole life had been ruined, and she hadn't spoken a single word to Blitza since then.

And finally, Blitza stops scrolling when she gets to a photo with her and her sister giving their mother a birthday card.

And their mother... Their mother couldn't even have any thoughts or feelings about Blitza, because she was dead. Burned alive when she'd been trying to save Blitza from a fire that Blitza herself had caused.

The imp woman lies down, hugging her pillow closely, and shakily exhales as tears flood down her face.

The end

Chapter Text

Fizzarollia clucked her tongue in annoyance when the brush slipped off-course again, making her smear greasepaint across her forehead, but not in the way she was trying to do it. "Ugh, this shit has a mind of its own sometimes." She complained to herself.

The velvet curtain whooshed aside as Asmodeous stuck her head into Fizz's dressing room. "Hey, babe, we all good?"

"Yeah..."

"You need help with your makeup?" The Sin of Lust asked, coming in and pulling up another stool at Fizz's vanity so she could sit down across from the imp woman. "I know you usually do it by yourself, but the show starts in only 10 minutes, and I don't want you looking like a sad raccoon onstage."

"You're lucky I trust you enough to let you near my face right before a performance. But if you mess it up then I'll just tell everyone I hired you to do it." Fizz threatened playfully.

Asmodeous rolled her eyes. "If I mess it up, it's only because you're not sitting still, dummy."

The Sin gently pinched her wife's chin between her fingers, tilting her head up to make up for the massive height difference between them. She began to apply the greasepaint to Fizz's face, covering up her red skin with a white overcoat and brushing away the mistake Fizz had made with it. Then she adds the eyeliner and mascara. Then she dips 2 fingers into the jar of red paint and smears it on to make Fizz's exaggerated smile.

As Asmodeous prepped Fizz, they both hoped nobody would come into the dressing room and see them like this: Being all intimate with each other. Asmodeous sometimes helped her other employees with their makeup, but the way she touched Fizz was clearly more intimate than that. Their marriage was still a secret. They didn't even get a proper wedding, as they could only invite a select few demons who they trusted to keep their secret. Everyone else still thinks they're just boss-and-employee who sometimes hook up.

"There we go. Picture perfect." Asmodeous says as she finished.

Fizz turns to her mirror, which is bordered by flashing lights and has a few Polaroids of herself and Asmodeous tacked up on it. She smiles, the bright red grin matching her real one.

"Not bad. You really do have magic hands, Moddie."

"I know. You're lucky you have me around to make you look this good." Asmodeous bragged as she put away the makeup and got to her feet.

"Yeah, that's the only reason I keep you around. Duh." Fizz joked, making them both laugh.

"Fizzarollia! You're on in 5!" A stagehand called.

"On my way!" Fizz called back. She turned to the vanity to search around for something. "Just lemme get my notecards... Okay, the 1st act is some guy called Moxxie who's going to sing and play guitar. Then is Verosika Mayday, who's gonna do a song and dance number of the latest song she released. That's the only 2 acts we have tonight."

"Go knock 'em dead, babygirl." Asmodeous said, brushing a good luck kiss against Fizz's cheek, before the imp winked at her and left.

***

Asmodeous took a sack of frozen peas out of the freezer and brought it over to Fizzarollia, who sat in a chair with her jester hat taken off and lying in a heap on the table next to her. They were back in the kitchen of their palace.

"Hold still." Asmodeous said as she brushed aside Fizz's hair, then pressed the frozen peas against the sore spot on Fizz's head, right between her cracked horns.

"I'm fine, Moddie." Fizz reassured. "It's not like my skull split open or anything."

"I know, but you know how worried I can get about you."

Fizz smiled a bit. "Heh, that Wrath chick sure has anger issues, huh?"

"Ugh." Asmodeous rolled her eyes, annoyance flaring up in her again. "If she and her husband ever come into my club with their smooshy-wooshy love songs again, I will do way more than just give her a black eye and let you smash his musical instrument."

"By the way, I never knew you could punch like that." Fizz smiled and gave her wife's shoulder a playful shove. "I mean, I was still seeing double when you did it, but I could see how impressive it was."

Asmodeous chuckled. "Bet I looked pretty cool when doing it."

"Not as cool as I looked when I took a direct hit like that but just brushed myself off and got back to performing right after." Fizz bragged.

Asmodeous chewed on her lower-lip. "I'm sorry I wasn't keeping a closer eye on you, Fizz. I should have noticed her sneaking onto the stage and kicked her away before she could hit you."

"Hey, no, don't feel guilty about that." Fizz said immediately. "You were too distracted hitting the high note on our song. Totally not your fault."

Both women were quiet for a minute, thinking about what had happened at the club. The real thing that was bothering them wasn't some prudish imp couple who were stupid enough to sing love songs at a strip club. No, they were more thinking about...

"So, that imp girl who was with Princess Starla. Blitz-A. She's the one you told me about, right?" Asmodeous asked.

"Yup. That's her." Fizzarollia grumbled, eyes glued to the ground. "My former friend who gave us all a huge plot twist when she turned out to be an insensitive dickhole who abandoned me in the circus fire."

Fizz had already told Asmodeous the story about how she'd lost her home, all the way back when they'd first met years ago. How it had all burned down in a fire, wounding many of the demons and animals who worked in the circus, but wounding Fizz the worst of all. She was the only one who had to amputate all of her limbs. Nobody knows for sure how the fire started, but they all suspected it was probably Blitza's doing.

Deep down, Fizz didn't want to believe that. She wanted to believe Blitza would never let her jealousy push her that far. But whether or not the fire was Blitza's fault, it was undeniably her fault that she left Fizz there instead of sticking around to help her. Tonight had brought all those memories back to her like a plague.

But it sure did give her a sick thrill embarrass Blitza like that. Fizz didn't even care that she'd also embarrassed Starla in the process.

"Fizz?" Asmodeous put her hand on her wife's shoulder. "You okay?"

"Yeah, Moddie, I'm fine."

Asmodeous probably sensed that Fizz was not completely "fine", so she moved the frozen peas bag away and bent down to press a kiss against the imp's red-painted lips instead. Fizz gratefully kissed her back.

"Mmm... I am a way better remedy for your pain than the ice ever was, aren't I?" Asmodeous teased, wiggling her eyebrows at her wife.

Fizz snorted. "Who would've guessed that the Sin of Lust herself would be such a cheeseball?"

"Shut up, that's why you love me."

"True." Fizz said curtly before she swiftly grabbing the front of Asmodeous's jacket to pull her down for another smooch, which we all know will soon turn into more than smooching.

The end

Chapter Text

Lunar spent forever deciding what to wear. He decided to dust off his suit and wear it, along with some chainlink bracelets on his wrists. But he let his hair stay a bit messy instead of styling it so it doesn't look like he's being too formal.

As he sat in his taxi, his index finger drumming nervously on his thigh as they approached his destination, he wondered what the party would be like. It was in the Gluttony Ring, so he expected to get a lot of free food. Would the guests be friendly to him? Would Vortex's girlfriend be friendly to him? He was the most curious of all about her.

"You want me to drop you off here?" The driver asks.

Lunar looks out the window to see a honey-coloured mansion bustling with activity, most of the demons here being imps or hellhounds. "Oh! Uh! Yeah. Yeah, this looks right. I, uh, haven't been here before."

Lunar steps out of the vehicle and music can be heard playing as the taxi drives off. He looks down at his phone and texts Vortex.

Hey, I'm her

Oh shit

*here, sry :)

Lunar looks around nervously until Vortex calls out to him.

"Loo-naaaar!" Vortex waved his hand for Lunar to come into the mansion. He grinned and pounded Lunar on the back. "Hey, brother! Glad you could make it!"

"Tex! Yeah, hey." Lunar nervously smiled and ran a hand through his hair. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Course! Course! Hey, everyone! Meet the new face!" Vortex announces to the whole party. Then he howls in excitement, prompting everyone else to do the same.

"You want a drink or anything?" The taller hellhound asks.

"Oh, uh... sure! Yeah, totally..."

As Vortex goes to the punch bowl, Lunar drops his fake smile and looks over to a group of valley girl-esque hellhounds.

Sometimes to fit in you gotta kinda throw yourself into the conversation. He thought as he walked over to them. He hoped this wasn't gonna backfire terribly on him.

"And so, I told him "I'm not gonna go get it, unless you fucking throw it this time."" Said a poodle hellhound called Vikki.

"That is so, not fetch!" A Dalmatian hellhound laughed.

"Not fetch..." Vikki agreed.

Before Vikki could continue, Lunar chimes in nervously. "Ha, ha, ha, yeah! Like, that happens all the time. Aha...aha..."

Vikki smirked. "Oh-em-gee. Lunar? Lunatic Lunar? That you?"

The slight confidence Lunar had earlier just vanished. Without meaning to, his tail lifted itself over to his hands and he started fiddling with its fur. "Uhhh, yeah. It's Lunar... yeah."

"Wow." Vikki put a hand on her hip and quirked an eyebrow at him. "I can't believe you're showing up to another party. I mean, do you even remember the last one?"

Lunar gritted his teeth. "I'm sure you'll remind me."

Vikki takes out her phone and quickly scrolls to a picture. "Yeah, this... This you, right?" She flips the phone around to show a photo of Lunar puking his guts out.

Lunar's ears turned red in embarrassment. At his last party, he'd seen a group of demons chugging beer together, and he'd made the stupid mistake of trying to copycat them. He hadn't realized they were more used to alcohol than he was, and because he wasn't that used to it, he ended up puking all over himself. He remembered a bunch of people laughing and snapping photos of him. Not even one person had been kind enough to help him out.

It was embarrassing enough when it had happened, but now that Vikki was shamelessly reminding him of it... But then he started to get mad.

"Why do you still have that?" The boy demands.

"It brings me joy." Vikki explains. "You know, you're supposed to keep things that bring you joy."

Lunar's hands curl into fists as he growls at her. He wondered how much trouble he'd be in if he just punched that smug look off her face right now.

"Wow... you're being really negative." Vikki says. "Your aura is really aggressive right now."

"Oh, yeah? Maybe it's 'cus I'm in the presence of a massive bitch!"

The word "bitch" echoes throughout the party, making everyone else gasp in disapproval.

Vikki feigns being offended and faints into her friends' arms. "Oh... my dog... Wow!"

"What?" Lunar looks around at the people who are looking at him like he's a freak. "Is that not an okay thing to say? Like, come on, it's true!"

"You can't say that." Someone said.

Lunar's ears droop in defeat as Vortex comes back with the drinks.

"Did I miss anything?" He asks.

Lunar takes the drink and puts a fake smile on his face. "No, no, no... Haha... No, nothing... *ahem* No."

A voice booms through a microphone, attracting most of the partygoers. "Haha! How're my dirty bitches doing toniiiiight?"

Everyone runs over to watch the performance. Vortex smiles at Lunar in response, inviting him over. Lunar tilts his head in confusion before following.

A demon sits on a disco ball, hidden among the shadows. "Awooh, awooh! Ya'll ready to party with the Queen Bee of Glu-tto-ny? Come on!" The demon twirls around the disco ball as she hypes up her audience of partygoers. "Hell yeah! 'Cus the honey is flowin' tonight! And this bitch 'bout to get fuckin' wild! Let's get it started!"

The music roars and she begins to sing her song. "♫Cotton candy, cotton ca— candy♫"

"♫Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy♫"

"Hey!" The demon finally leans out of the shadows to let them see her face.

She reveals herself to be none other than Beezlebub, the Sin of Gluttony. She is a bee-hellhound hybrid with honey-coloured fur, a flowing mane of rainbow hair and a matching tail, a lava lamp for a stomach, and 4 tiny bee wings on her back. She wore a pink crop top with a heart-shaped boob window and light pink shorts. Lunar almost dropped the drink in his paws when he saw her, because she was.....

"♫I'm whatchu need, I'm watchu want♫"

"♫I got it all, a carnivale, I'll bring you up, I'll take you down♫"

"♫I'm sticky sweet, stuck in your teeth like♫"

"♫Cotton candy!♫"

As Bee keeps on singing, she goes around to materialize food and feed it to the partygoers. She also enlarges the food and alcoholic beverages they were about to have and shoves it down their throats.

She even enlarges a punch bowl to the size of a small swimming pool and lets the hellhounds drunkenly swim in it. Lunar mouths "WTF", but he quickly stands up straight again when Bee lands on the ground near him.

Beelzebub ends her performance with a firework of confetti and the hellhounds cheer as Lunar shakes the cotton candy out of his hair and fur.

"Awooh, awooh! Vortex!" Beezlebub says as she flies over to him. "The party is buzzin' now! Fuck! I feel like I went a little too hard with the confetti this time though. I have like, *materializes a mini rainbow* a rainbow... in my vagina right now."

Hearing her say the "rainbow in my vagina" thing made Lunar blush. That, and the fact Beezlebub is a fucking bombshell. He couldn't take his eyes off of her.

Then Beelzebub notices Lunar staring at her. "Oh, hey! Is this the sweet pup you told me about?"

Lunar frowns in confusion. "Excuse me?"

"He's a fuckin' cutie! Where you been hiding, boy?" She asks in a babyish voice before giggling.

Lunar didn't mean to be rude, but he just couldn't help it. "Is there something funny?" He found himself asking with way more bite than he meant to.

Fortunately for him, Beezlebub didn't seem bothered by his rudeness. "Nah, I'm just really high on all this tasty energy right now! Tex says you don't get invited out much. I hope this itty-bitty get-together can serve as a fun first time."

Lunar looks behind him to see a hellhound slide down a staircase only to get hit in the crotch when he gets down. Everyone was drunk off their asses and making a lot of noise.

"Mm-hm." He hummed. But in his mind he was thinking, This is what you call "itty-bitty"? I'm a little scared to find out what you'd consider as a REAL get-together, then!

"I would've thrown a bigger one, but I couldn't convince Belphegor to let me break into her stash of party drugs. So fucking lame! I mean, I usually just steal them, but Belle changed the locks." Beezlebub laments. She conjures up a bottle of beer and pours herself a glass. "She says I'm a total jackass for trying. But, hey... I'm proud to be a total jackass."

"Heh. Anyway, yeah Bee, this is Lunar." Vortex introduced, hugging Beezlebub against his side lovingly. "And, Lunar, this is my girlfriend Bee."

"Nice to meetcha, baby boy!" Bee grinned and winked at him.

Lunar's jaw drops open in shock. "Oh, this is... ohhhh. She's hot." He says, but then his face turns crimson as he realizes he's spoken his mind too much.

Beelzebub slaps her thigh as she laughs. "Hah! Holy shit! Okay. Tex, you didn't tell me he was hilarious. That's so funny."

"Right..." Lunar says, humiliated.

"I love that that's the first thing you say to me. You don't give a shit how freaky you come off, and that's. Fucking. Beautiful. You are my new favourite person."

"Am I, though?" Lunar asks.

She's just being nice, he knows, because how the fuck can a guy like him compare to a girl like her?

"Yeah, bitch!" She says. Lunar turns his head away from her, so she puts a finger under his chin and turns him around to face her again. "No, really. Reminds me of the time I saw Satan without a shirt on. I was like, "Oof! Boy! You are hot as hell!"."

Vortex tilts his head. While he's not the jealous type, he clearly isn't crazy about his girlfriend talking about other guys being "hot as hell".

Beezlebub cringes at the memory. "But, then I wanted to die, 'cause it was so awkward. 'Cause he's more like a brother to me. You know? But not actually my brother. So, I guess... it was fine. I could hit that..."

Lunar looks around awkwardly.

"Anyway, boy, you have a good time tonight. Get some sweets, get some eats. Drink it, tear it, fuck it up! Whoo!"

Beezlebub leaves to go tend to her other guests. "Cheers, honey! Thank you for coming. Do you need anything? Are you having fun? Are you good? Are you drunk? Okay, good. Okay, great..."

Lunar looks around again, his spirits sinking. He was so awkward and stupid when talking to Bee. He's lucky Bee is so social and friendly, otherwise he would've been really humiliated. He just couldn't shake the feeling that he was gonna slip up and make himself look stupid again pretty soon, and with his luck, he'd probably do it in front of another smokin' hot girl like Bee. The only way to avoid that was to just get out of here.

"Yeeeah, I'm gonna go." He says to Vortex, unable to stop his ears from drooping sadly.

Vortex was taken aback. "What? Why? You just got here. At least one drink, right?"

Lunar puts his cup on a nearby staircase. "Nope, you really wouldn't like me after one drink." He informed the other hellhound.

As Lunar walks out of the mansion, Vortex stares after him sadly. Lunar turns his back completely so Vortex won't see it as tears fall from his eyes. He sighs and brushes them away as he takes his phone out of his jacket and calls Blitza.

***

Blitza sleeps in bed when she's awakened by the phone ringing.

"Hey, Lunie, what's up?" She asks, brushing her hair out of her face as she props herself up on one elbow.

"Hey, Blitza, could you come get me? I'm at Beezlebub's mansion in the Gluttony Ring."

"Come get you? Why? I thought you were partying hard with that Vortex dude."

"I'm not. Could you please? I... I just realized I don't have any money for another taxi, and I can't walk home, I don't know this area at all. Please, Blitza? I seriously don't wanna stay here anymore." He begged.

Blitza groaned and leaned against her pillow. "Fiiiiiine. Just gimme a few minutes, I don't think I look so hot right now."

She hung up the phone and went to her bathroom mirror. As she'd suspected, she looked shitty. Her makeup was a mess from crying, surrounding her eyes in purple-and-silver smudges. But at least her eyes weren't bloodshot or puffy since she'd already slept it off. She turned on the faucet and soaked a facial sponge to begin wiping it off. Then she put on some more makeup, but not nearly as elaborate as before, as this wasn't a date anymore. She kept her dress on because she was too lazy to change.

She wasn't gonna party, she was just gonna go get Lunar and then come home to sleep herself into oblivion again.

***

At the party, Lunar did his best to avoid eye contact with everybody as he waited for Blitza. He sighed. "So stupid. I shouldn't have come."

The I.M.P. van arrives and Blitza rolls down the window.

"Hey Lunie. Your getaway vehicle has arrived." She joked lightly, patting the outer-wall of the van. But despite her joke, she didn't look cheerful at all.

"Thanks." He said as he got in. "Let's get out of here."

"He-hey, that sounds like Blitza!" A male imp said, coming over to the van.

Already irritated from before, Blitza snapped at him. "The A is silent, asshole!"

"He-hey, I knew it was you!" He chuckled. "Fuck, girlie, where you been? You here for the party?"

"N-no, I'm just here picking up my son." She told him.

"Oh, shit! Do you have a son now?"

"Adopted!" Lunar corrected. Blitza smacked his shoulder irritably.

"Oh man, you're already leaving?" The male imp said. "Things just got started. Come in and show us all up again."

"No, no, thank you. But I think Lunar wants to head back."

Lunar noticed a pretty girl hellhound approaching the van.

"Huh, the hottie next to you wants to leave?" She asked, leaning against the van to be closer to Lunar. Lunar's tail wagged at the attention he was getting from her.

Blitza growled at the girl hellhound. "Watch it!"

"I mean, we could stay a little longer." Lunar suggested.

Blitza wearily put a hand on her forehead. "I... I think we need to go, m'kay? I think it's been a long night."

"Well, these people seem to know you." Lunar reasoned. "Come on! I think I wanna give this another try." His tail starts to wag again, and he clasps his paws together and makes puppydog eyes. "Pleeease?"

Blitza massaged her temples. My heart is just too soft sometimes. "Okay, fine. Maybe 1 drink."

Turns out she was only fooling herself, because soon she was letting 2 hellhounds hold her upside down (but one of them was nice enough to hold her skirt down so she didn't flash her panties) as she chugged beer from a keg.

"Blitza! Blitza! Blitza! Blitza!" Lunar chanted.

Blitza hopped off the empty keg. "Aaagh!" She exhaled, wiping off her mouth.

The hellhounds howled and Lunar joined them.

"Haha! That was nothing, bitch! Give me a real challenge!" Blitza announced.

Beelzebub appears behind Blitza, holding a chicken leg. "Oh, yeah? Wanna fucks with the big bitch, imp girl? I got a challenge for ya."

Vikki curiously popped her head up. "Oh... She's gonna die."

***

Vortex arrived with 2 yellow kegs carried on his shoulder. "Allright, let's do this!" He put the kegs down. "From Bee's personal supply, the hardest shit there is!"

Blitza does some stretches.

"You ready, my girl?" Vortex asked her.

"Oh, born ready!" Blitza tries to open one of the kegs. "Bring it, barky! I will drink you under this fucking table, you have no idea what kind of night I've had!"

Beelzebub uses her powers to lift the kegs and prep nozzles for them.

"Allright, shit talker, but there hasn't been a soul yet who can beat me at my own game. So, you better bring the fire, baby."

"Oh, is Queen Bee too scared to lose to a little imp like me?" Blitza teased in a babyish voice.

Beelzebub grinned mischievously. "Hah! Oh, okay. Let's get it on, you little bastard!"

Vortex raises his paw. "Ready... Set... Go!" He says, dropping his paw down to signal the contest to begin.

Beelzebub and Blitza start drinking.

"Come on, Blitza! Fuck her up! You can do it!" Lunar cheered.

Blitza rips off the nozzle and pours the entire keg into her mouth, surprising Beelzebub, who looks at the imp in concern. She was sensing something... odd.

Blitza climbs on top of her emptied keg. "Who's the queen now?!"

"Yeah! That's my mom!" Lunar announced proudly.

Despite her concern, Beezlebub plastered a smile back onto her face so she could keep up the facade of 'carefree party hostess'. "Well fuck me! That's a first. I haven't had a first in a while. That was magical, seriously, impressive. I tip my crown to you, imp girl." She bows down to Blitza. "Respect."

Then she howls, prompting the other party guests, including Lunar, to do the same thing.

"Good game though, girl!" Blitza says, holding up both hands so Beezlebub can give her a high-ten.

But right after, Blitza passes out drunk. Beezlebub rushes to catch her before she falls, but the other guests catch her first and carry her off. Beelzebub and Vortex look at each other in concern. Vortex was guessing there was something off about Blitza, and Beezlebub knew for certain there was something off, as her antennas were tingling in warning. Her antennas had never led her astray before.

Blitza wasn't drinking for fun, she was drinking because she'd just been through something awful. And Beezlebub, being the Sin of Gluttony, didn't want that. She wanted everyone, human or demon, to indulge in treats and alcohol because they had fun with it, not because they wanted to numb themselves. Way too many people already did the latter and got their lives ruined by alcohol.

"Tex, I think my—"

"Your antennas are tingling, right?" Vortex guessed. "You always get that look on your face when they are."

"You know me too well." Beezlebub giggled. "Maybe we should keep an eye on that little imp girl. Make sure she doesn't end up hurting herself or someone else."

"Good idea, Bee." He agreed.

***

As the party continues, the guests continue having fun and chatting. Lunar laughs and chats with a couple of other hellhounds, and Vortex taps him on the shoulder.

"Hey, Lun. I don't mean to be a buzzkill here. But your uh, mom... girl, lady... Is um... she's seeming a bit..."

"Out of control." Beezlebub finishes, flying over to stand beside her boyfriend. "Like... A mess."

"Yeah, it's worrisome." Vortex said. "You wanna maybe check on her or something?"

"What!? No! No, Blitza is fine." Lunar waves his hand dismissively. "She's always a mess, trust me."

"Look honey," Beezlebub began, "I see people having fun and getting fucked up all the time. But, she's clearly getting wasted off her ass and causing problems on purpose. So, I feel like, you should check up on her at least."

Lunar starts to get angry as the hounds he was talking to poke their heads over to eavesdrop.

"Just see if something's up." Beezlebub prompted.

"Don't act like you know her like I do." Lunar said.

"I ain't sayin' that. I'm just pretty sure she's had like 4 tongues inside her at once. I mean... good for her. But... I can taste the flavor of people at my parties, and she's giving off a very... not okay vibe, you know?"

"Oh yeah, and I'd bet you'd know the okay vibe, right? I mean everyone likes you so much."

Beelzebub flies up to be level with Lunar, glaring him down. "What's that supposed to mean? You got a problem or somethin', sour cream?"

She shifts into her full demonic form, which is an enlarged version of herself and with her colour palette changing to resemble a real bee.

"Don't fuck with me!" She warns, her voice echoing.

Lunar takes off his suit jacket and drops it by his feet, getting ready for a fight. Yes, he knows Bee will wipe the floor with him, she will literally turn him into a smear of blood and fur on the ground without breaking a sweat, but he still wants to try his luck.

But then he notices Vortex hanging his head sadly. Vortex invited Lunar here because he thought Lunar and Bee would get along with each other, but now here they were about to literally fight. This was the opposite of what he'd expected.

Lunar sighs. "Sorry. Yeah, nope, I'll... I'll go check on her."

He picks up his jacket and throws it back on as he leaves. Beelzebub blinks in concern, then shrinks back down to her previous size.

"Uuuugh... sorry, sorry. I know I got a little spicy there. I just... hope everything works out. Now, let's dance!" She grabs Vortex's arm and flies toward the dancefloor, dragging him along.

Lunar shoulders his way through the party guests, searching for his mother. "Blitz! Bliitz! Where are you, bitch?!" He calls. "Bli— Oh, PISS ON A DICK!"

He finds Blitza French-kissing a male imp, both his hands squeezing her butt.

Lunar runs over and grabs her arm to pull her away from the other guy, angrily swatting the guy's hands off Blitza's ass. Blitza is so drunk she almost falls over, but Lunar puts a hand on her back to steady her.

"Blitza, what the fuck are you doing?" He demands.

"This guy~" She smiles and jabs a thumb at the guy, who waves.

"It looks like you're in the middle of a goddamn orgy! Stop!"

"Look," Blitza slurred, "I didn't expect you to come in here and see any of this, Lunie. I'm so sorry, but it's a party, I'm just havin' fun with, uh....." She turned to the guy. "The fuck is your name again?"

"Dennis." He said. That made Blitza's brows shoot up in horror.

"Christ on a stick, you would be a Dennis." She waves her hand for Dennis to leave. "Get the fuck away from me! I'm not fucking a Dennis tonight! I need a Monica or Alejandro over here, stat!"

The imp standing by a nearby corner pulls her in.

Blitza sticks her tongue out as she happily leans against his muscled chest. "Better~"

She was about to hop up on tiptoe and kiss him, but Lunar knocks him out with a punch. Blitza almost falls over again, but Lunar catches her and bends down to hoist her up over his shoulder.

"Oh no no no, you don't need anyone else sucking your face, freaky weirdo. You need to drink something other than Beelzejuice."

Blitza drunkenly started to smack Lunar's back with her palm. "Uuuugh, no..." She protested, but he ignored it and carried her out to the van.

As Lunar buckled his mother into the passenger seat, he hears someone call out "Hey!". He turns around to see his 3 new friends waving him goodbye; Lunar smiles and waves back.

As they drove home, Blitza leaned her head against the window while Lunar sat at the wheel.

"Do you need to throw up?"

The imp pouted like a baby. "Mmm, no..."

Lunar scoffed. "Yeah, you do."

When they reached their apartment, Lunar tossed Blitza over his shoulder again and took her upstairs to their flat. His paw felt around for the lightswitch before he turned the lights on and took her inside, putting her down on her bed.

He took off Blitza's heels and put them away, and then went and got a glass of of water and aspirin.

"I had a really shitty day..." She slurred.

Lunar smirked a bit as he knelt down next to the bed and made Blitza drink up the aspirin. "Oh yeah? Is that why you drank like 5 gallons worth of who-knows-what?"

The moment she emptied the glass, she immediately curled up and buried her face into her pillow. "Fuck, Fizz was right. I'm gonna die alone, aren't I? Just a wrinkly, old, withered, waste. Will YOU even be there, Lunie?"

Lunar stood up, his brows knit together in concern. "Be...where?"

Blitza was basically hugging the mattress. She looked like she was trying to find a way for it to just swallow her up. "I dunno, jus- ...Lonely... Nobody's wife... Die alone..."

Lunar sighed as he unfolded the quilt and draped it over Blitza.

He didn't know what exactly had happened to Blitza to make her this upset, but the one thing he did know was that if she did end up never getting married and dying as nobody's wife, he would be there for her. If she didn't have a husband or wife to hold her hand and stroke her hair as she went, then Lunar would do it.

When Blitza came to the hellhound shelter and she saw him in there, she could have just left him, but she chose not to. So Lunar would never leave her either. He would never let her die all alone.

"I'll be there, Mom." He promised, pressing the back of his hand against her cheek for a second before brushing it away. "Now go the fuck to sleep... okay?"

"Millie... Moxxie... Starla..." Blitza mumbles into her pillow.

Lunar takes one last look at Blitza before turning off the lights and shutting the door, then heading downstairs to his basement bedroom. Blitza is about to fall asleep, but then her stomach does a backflip and she quickly crawls over to the edge of the bed and hangs her head off of it so she can vomit the beezlejuice onto the floor.

"Fuck!" She says, leaning against the footboard in exhaustion. "Yeah, I did need to throw up."

The end

Chapter Text

“This is disgusting.” Lunar groaned as he knelt on Blitza’s floor, a noseplug holding his nose shut as he mopped up Blitza’s liquor-smelling vomit.

“Sorry.” Blitza mumbled into her pillow.

“Why didn’t you call me the moment you puked, idiot?! Then it would’ve been way easier to clean up!”

“I was just tired and didn’t wanna deal with it. I just wanted to fucking sleep.” Blitza explains.

Lunar finishes cleaning and takes away the soiled cloth. Then he came back into Blitza’s room, crossing his arms as he regards her still lying in bed. “So, are we gonna get up and eat something or…..?”

“I am so not in the mood.” She drops her head down again.

“Fine, guess I’ll just go make brunch for myself.”

“Do you think you could—“

“I am not bringing you any food unless you get out of bed and get it yourself!” The boy called over his shoulder, shutting Blitza’s door as he went to the kitchen.

“You suuuuuuuuuck!” Blitza whined.

As Lunar measures out a bowl of waffle batter, his phone chimes. He goes to see a text message from Vortex’s phone number.

Hey, Lunar. This isn’t Vortex, this is Bee, I’m just borrowing his phone since I don’t have your number in mine. Since you left in such a haste last night, just wanted to make sure everything’s cool.

“Oh fuck.” Lunar says, nearly dropping the bowl in his arms and which would’ve made yet another mess of the floors. He quickly puts the bowl on the kitchen counter and picks up his phone to text Bee back.

Should he reassure Bee everything’s fine? Should he apologize for the tension him and her had at the party? Should he tell her she’s sweet for asking?

He typed out a few responses but deleted them, thinking it’s not the right thing to say. Then he realized he’s just making Bee wait even longer.

Hey, Bee. Everything’s fine, ty for asking :)

Also, I’m sorry if my mom bothered your guests last night. This is NOT the first time she’s gotten a little too horny and tried to fuck strangers 😩

Boy, you think I’m some kind of prude? Idc about ppl getting frisky at my parties! I’m just concerned since your mom seemed so depressed. Did she tell you what happened to her?

Lunar put the batter into the waffle maker as he typed back. Some trouble in paradise with her gf, and some lady called Fizzarollia told her she was gonna die alone 💀. Idrk.

Okay. And well…… obv idk what kind of dynamic you and your mother have, but could I offer some advice? You’re prob the only person she has rn, so stick close to her for a little while. She’ll appreciate that.

Also you can come to my next party. Those 3 hellhounds you were hanging out with told me they’re gon be there. It’s 3 weeks from now, 11:00pm, in the big forest a couple streets away from my mansion. 🎉🥳🪩

Lunar’s lips stretch into a hopeful smile.

Chapter Text

The episode opens with an exterior shot of Paimon's palace. Young Starla sleeps in her bed, surrounded by stuffed animals while hugging one resembling a demonic Max from Sam & Max. Starla wakes up, yawns, and smacks her lips. Then she realizes what today is.

"My birthday, my birthday! It's my birthday!"

Starla leaps out of the sheets and lands on all fours on the floor. She runs off to her dressing room, arms raised in excitement as an Imp butler comes to attend to her. "Yaaaay! Birthday, birthday! WOOHOO! Birthday tiiiiime!"

Mister Butler opens a tin of hair gel and begins applying it to Starla, then he separates her hair-feathers into 2 ponytails.

"Calm yourself, young princess." He says. "You know excitement is unbecoming of a Goetia."

"Oh!" Starla says, calming down. "Right."

Starla takes a deep breath to calm herself. As Mister Butler goes to retrieve the young owl-demon's dress, returning to helping her put it on. Those dresses were still too complicated for her to get into by herself.

"But I'm finally turning into double digits now! And Father told me, today is the day, I am old enough to know my purpose and responsibility!"

"Of course." Mister Butler places a crown on Starla's head. "I'm sure it will be wonderful."

Starla follows the butler out of the dressing room down a large hallway. The wall is lined with 4 giant pictures of Starla at various prior ages.

The butler pushes open the large double doors that lead to the throne room. Paimon, Starla's father and King of the Ars Goetia, is seen sitting on the throne in his monstrous black demon form. He stands up, his form shifting to display various demonic creatures as he transforms into his normal, bird-like self. The butler walks over to Paimon and stands next to him as Starla approaches her father.

Paimon smiles. "Ahhhh! There is my little, uh..." he bends down and whispers to butler, "Which daughter is this one? There's so fucking many."

"Starla, your highness."

"Starla! Yes! Ha! Right, right! That's the one! The owl girl."

Paimon goes to stand in front of Starla. "Well, my little one, it is finally your day of becoming a true part of the Goetia family. How good for you. Now that you’re turning 10, are you ready to know what you'll be meant to do to serve Hell?"

"Yes, Father!" Starla says excitedly.

Paimon opens a portal to the cosmos as he speaks, showing Starla the stars she is meant to study. Two comets, blue and pink, respectively, fly out of the portal and up out of view.

"You will be entrusted with the study of the Earth's skies, the stars, the prophecies they hold, all that stuff. Isn't that fun?" He explains, and then he shut the portal and summoned a Grimoire into his hand. "You will begin the studies of your Grimoire, which will grant you access to the mortal realm to study and observe..." He levitates the Grimoire to his daughter, who is bouncing with excitement. "And you will grow to be a mighty Princess of Hell, with your own legions to lead and pass on your knowledge to!"

Starla holds the spellbook in her hands and looks down at it with a grin. "I will do my best, Father!"

"Wonderful!" Paimon said. But then he pulled a photo out of his cloak. "Also, my daughter, you are destined to sire a precautionary addition to the Goetia family. So, you are now engaged. Congratulations. Isn't he charming?"

Paimon flips the photo over to show it to Starla. It shows a young Stellan angrily strangling a Quieve with a bow in a strand of its hair and tears falling from its eye. A second Quieve just like it wearing a collar with the same bow lies on the ground, tears flowing as Stellan has one foot planted on its head, likely having already been assaulted by him. Stellan himself looks similar to his adult appearance, just smaller and younger.

Starla bursts into tears and turns away from the picture in fear.

Paimon frowned. "Ohhh! That's an ugly noise, daughter. Here!" He patted Starla on the head. "How about you cease this bitch crying?"

Starla cried harder.

"Hm, that usually works. Oh, would you like it if I took you to the circus in town? Children enjoy the circus, right?" Paimon asked, patting Starla on the head again. "Would that distract you enough from your non-negotiable future marriage?"

Starla does not respond.

***

Starla and Mister Butler stood at the top of the stairs into a circus tent. Paimon is not physically present, but instead is shown on the glass of a mirror the butler is holding up. Various Imps are seen filling the bleachers. Circus music plays in the background.

Paimon looks around, then whispers to butler. "Is there a spot that's close to the front, but also far enough that I don't have to— *sniffs and gags* Ugh— smell the poor?"

Mister Butler and Starla go sit in an otherwise empty bleacher labeled with a crude cloth sign reading "GOETIA".

The circus imps do their performance. Paimon chuckles and claps from within the mirror, apparently entertained by the performance, but Starla is not getting cheered up.

The ring leader, Cash Buckzo, steps out. "Now, everyone's favorite thing about circus shit: the motherfuckin' clowns!"

A multitude of frightening Imp clowns with glowing eyes leap out at the audience from behind curtains in the background. Cash laughs as they fly outward. The Imps in the audience scream and pull away in terror.

Cuts to a small foot stepping on a pedestal board accompanied by the sound of a bell jingling.

"You ready, Blitza?" Fizzarollia asks.

Blitza gives the rope an experimental tug. "Born ready!" She says.

Fizzarollia and Blitza leap off of their boards and begin a flying trapeze act. They pass by the Goetia section of the bleachers, and time appears to slow down as Starla looks up in awe and blushes when she catches sight of Blitza.

Blitza lands on a ball as Fizz swings away on the rope.

"Haaaaa! Tada~! *laughs* Heya, folks! Wanna see me make a horse?"

Blitza takes a green balloon from her pocket, blows it up, and attempts to tie it into a horse shape. It appears as an incomprehensible knot, then immediately pops.

Blitza's eyes widen in surprise. "Crap!"

The young imp girl continues pulling out balloons and attempting to make a horse but keeps getting the same result. Her expression grows more worried with each popped balloon. The audience sits there, dead silent and unimpressed, as Blitza keeps failing to make a balloon horse.

"De-de-de-de-do-do-do-do- Ah, heheh..." she sings nervously as she keeps trying. "Horse!"

She finally manages to make a horse, and she holds her creation up victoriously. But then she notices it doesn't have legs.

"Well, heh. It was a horse, but then it ate too much sugar and its legs stopped working, so he had to amputate. Now, it's a gross worm horse." She explains.

Starla begins to laugh softly, clearly charmed.

Blitza smirks proudly and points at Starla. "See? She gets it. Because, horses - they make no sense."

"Okay, Blitza, that's enough horsing around!" Fizz says.

She stands on a ball next to Blitza's. She pulls a red balloon out of her pocket and twists it into a horse perfectly on her first try.

"Hey, everybody! Look at this! It's Banana Pudding the clown horsey!" She makes neighing noises, which makes the crowd laugh and cheer for her (like they always do). Blitza looks down jealously.

"I liked her broken horse joke, it was funny." Starla said. "Their legs do stop working when they eat too much sugar, it's called laminitis."

Paimon looks down at Starla curiously as the little owl-demon makes a hooting laugh.

***

Backstage, Cash is busy drinking as the butler walks in holding the mirror that has the connection to Paimon.

"What a show! That was real great. So, ahem that little clown you have, my daughter really enjoyed that one. I was wondering if I could buy her."

"Buy her?" Cash asked in surprise.

"Purchase her, yes. Accurate." Paimon said calmly. "My daughter doesn't have any friends, you see, and she liked the little clown girl. It's her birthday, she's so sad and I don't want to deal with her. Can I write a check?"

"Well..." Cash rubs his chin, smirking. "Fizzarollia is a big draw. She has a few more shows to be in today, so it would be pretty expensive." He rubs his thumb and finger together in gesture.

Paimon chuckled. "No, no. The other one."

"Blitza?!"

"Correct. How much?"

"Wha- Well, she's my daughter. So... uh. Hm... ah, how much ya got in your pocket?"

The butler digs around in his pocket and produced a crumpled-up $5 bill and an unopened condom.

"A wadded-up five and a slim-fit condom." Paimon said.

Cash didn't think Blitza was worth any more than that anyways. "Ah, that's plenty. Done."

"Splendid! Fetch her for me and we will be on our way." Paimon said. He clapped his hands and portals out, destroying half the tent in the process.

***

In another corner of the tent, Fizz and Blitza played with their balloon horses together.

"I'm Banana Pudding, and I like to dance!" Fizz made her horse say, making it dance around a bit.

"I am Worm Horse. And I...I am sad!" Blitza made her horse hang its head.

"Why are you sad, Worm Horse?"

"Because! I have no legs!"

"Oh, well that's okay!"

"I lost all my legs in the war."

Fizz gasped. "The war?!"

"Yes! The great pirate war!"

"No." Fizz said. "No pirates."

"It's a great pirate warrr!" Blitza insisted.

Fizz lifted her head to make eye contact with Blitza, unimpressed. "If you keep talking about pirates, I will punch you."

Blitza knew that was no empty threat, as Fizz had punched her last time she wouldn't shut up about pirates. And it wasn't a playful punch.

"I fought bravely, but I could not run fast enough. They took my legs, there was blood everywhere!" Blitza made her horse say.

Fizz let out a little shriek, then laughter. "Eww, no blood! Blood is disgusting!"

"No, it's cool!" Blitza chuckled.

"Well, Banana Pudding is here to save the day with her magical feet she dances around with. She will dance all over worm horse and make her feel better."

"And theeen... there'll be more blood!" Blitza squirts ketchup onto her balloon horse.

Fizz laughed and covered her face. "Blitza! That's so gross! Stop!"

"Neverrr!"

Cash appears behind them, grabs Blitza by the arm and pulls her up.

"Girl, I've got a job for you! You are gonna spend the day with one of the Goetia princesses." He said as he lugged her toward the door.

"Ew. Why?"

"Because money! Now, listen carefully." He turned around to face Blitza. "You are being bought out to be her playmate, but I want you to steal as much from those rich fuckers as you possibly can."

"Steal?" Blitza pulled her arm away. "But, what if I get caught?"

"Don't you want your family to be able to buy a bigger tent? Better food? Don't you want to be able to help me and your mama out?"

"Of course I wanna help Mama!" Blitza cried.

But maybe not you, because you suck. She thought.

"Then, you gotta do this. Everything those rich fucks have will be worth a fortune."

"But, if I'm caught—" Blitza ran her fingers through her black hair, her eyes wide with panic as she stared down at the floor. She could imagine what would happen to her if she were caught. She'd get thrown in a dungeon..... If not outright executed.

"I'm scared, Dad."

"There are scarier things, aren't there, girlie?" Cash said.

"But—"

Cash makes the sad eyes at Blitza, making her sigh in defeat. "Yes, Papa."

***

Cash led Blitza up to the Goetia palace, where Starla and Paimon awaited them.

"Here is your new friend, my daughter." Paimon said. "Happy birthday."

Starla was still staring at Blitza with a heavy blush on her face. But she shook herself out of it. "A friend?" She asked excitedly.

"I guess?" The imp girl awkwardly scratched the back of her head. "Hi, uh, I'm Blitza."

"I'm Starla." She pinched the skirt of her dress and bowed down on one knee. "It's nice to—"

"STARLA!" Paimon shouted, making both girls flinch. He bent down to Starla's level and said, "Don't bow to that one! She bows to us! Idiot."

"Oh, right." Starla cringed and her hands fisted into her skirt self-consciously. "Sorry, Father."

Paimon smiled, thinking he was doing the right thing by teaching his daughter how to be a good Ars Goetia princess. "I'm so good at daddy-ing!"

The girls shared a look.

***

The demon children sat on the floor of a library surrounded by books. Blitza is bored while Starla is excitedly info-dumping about the books in question.

"This is my book on the difference between frogs and toads, there's a lot of differences! And this is my book on plants and herbs! Did you know plants can hear you?"

"Plants are boring!" Blitza stands up and spreads her arms out. "This is all boring stuff!"

Starla dejectedly takes back the book in her hands. "Oh, I'm sorry. I've never had a friend to share my books with."

"You know what would be fun? A game. Let's Play 'Treasure Hunt'."

"What's that?"

"It's where we pretend we are pirates and we go around the house collecting all the nicest things and then we throw them out the window!"

Starla raised an eyebrow and put a finger on her chin. "We...throw them out the window?"

"Yes."

"Since when did pirates throw things out windows?"

"Since like, the dawn of time." Blitza said matter-of-factly. "Come on, pirates are always throwing stuff out windows."

"I don't think they had windows."

Blitza gave her a flat look. "What, did a book say that?"

"Yes, actually!" She pulls out two books titled "'Pirates' and 'The Porthole Myth'. "Several."

"Well, in this game—" Blitza grabs the books and chucks them away. "We're throwing them out the window. Because, it's fun!"

"Well, that's an odd game. *gasps* Is this an Imp game?"

"Suuure. Why not?"

Starla smiled and shrugged her shoulders. "Well, if it's what you want to play?"

"Let's do it!"

***

Blitza ran through the palace, grabbing things and stuffing them into a big bag. She had no clue what was valuable and what wasn't valuable. She just grabbed whatever could fit into the bag and wasn't too heavy for her to keep carrying.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!" She called over her shoulder to Starla.

The owl-demon struggled to keep up, panting. She didn't get as much exertion as Blitza did. They continue going through different areas, taking things and giggling. They stop at a chandelier and look at it in wonder. Blitza takes a piece of it.

"Yes!"

"Yay!"

The girls fall to the floor and lay on their backs, giggling.

***

They run by a balcony, giggling. Blitza hears a whistle and she runs up to the edge of the balcony with her bag of treasures. Cash pops out of a bush down below and makes a 'throw to me' gesture. Blitza looks behind her to Starla, who is bouncing on a stool trying to reach something and doesn't see anything. The imp girl grunts with effort and throws down the bag of treasure.

"Blitza, over here!" Starla calls.

Blitza runs over to join her.

***

When they were done with that game, Starla offered to show Blitza her garden. They toured the garden together, Starla listing off the names of the plants they passed. Blitza called her a "nerd" but she was impressed Starla had such a good memory.

Then they went to sit at the big oak tree, Starla sitting at the roots (since she has no clue how to climb), and Blitza falls out of the tree hanging by only her tail.

"So, what is that? Your diary?" Blitza asks, tilting her head curiously at the thick book in Starla's hands.

"No, this is my new Grimoire!" The owl-demon says. "It's a spellbook! I have to learn it so I can access the living world!"

Blitza gasps. "The living world? Like the world with humans and stuff? Where the sinners come from?"

"Mm-hm!"

"That is so cool!"

"Yes! I'm supposed to use it to study the sky!"

"Why?"

"My dad says I can find prophecies, but I don't really know." Starla admits. "But, I'm supposed to, that's what my job will be when I grow up. To join the rest of the Goetia family."

"Well, you know what's I'm gonna do when I grow up?" Blitza jumps back on the tree. "I'm gonna run my own circus and I'm gonna be the most famous imp ever and I'll be able to do what I want to do, all day! I'm gonna make so much money that I can buy myself a big building, with a big office!"

"A big office? For a circus?"

"Yeah! A big office! Circus business with clowns and horses! and the horses will all have good names like Stapler and Biscuit Queen."

Starla giggles into her palm. "I'm sure you will. That sounds like a good business."

"Yeah! And, if you want to apply, I'll hire you. Maybe."

Starla chuckles. "You'll hire me?"

The imp girl shrugs. "Yeah, if I feel like it."

"Well, I hope I qualify! *giggles* You'd be a good boss."

Blitza narrows her eyes, but she's still smiling. "You say that with sarcasm, but I totes would." She says, which makes both of them laugh together.

***

25 YEARS LATER

Adult Starla wakes up, looking dejected. She groans and gets dressed in her robe, goes to her boudoir, and takes a bottle of pills. She goes to her library and opens up her Grimoire, in the window behind him Blitza appears and sees the magic floating out of the book. She tries to pull open the window to get inside. Starla closes the book and walks away, not seeing Blitza. The imp falls off the window.

In the kitchen, Stellan was talking to someone on the phone. "Yes, together we're— *muffled*"

Starla checks on a sleeping Octavia and then wanders into her kitchen where Stellan is loudly having a phone call.

"I know still being married isn't a big enough occasion. But, to be fair, it's no picnic being married to a boring broad like Starla."

Starla looks as though she wants to speak to him, but he holds up an index finger at her and she instead walks away to her kitchen table to drink her coffee. She uses magic to open and hold the newspaper up in front of her. It reads "Not Divorced: Anniversary Party! Couples only."

"Stellan, what in Hell is this?"

Stellan turns to her, covering the receiver with his hand. "Ugh, Starla. You know I like throwing parties. Plus, it's true, so you know you can come if you want." He runs a hand through his long hair-feathers and walks away.

Starla wasn't the party-loving type. Neither was Octavia. Neither of them really wanted to go to this party, so Octavia would just stay in her room until it was over. But Starla felt like she was obligated to go, since the party was all about her and her marriage. So she put on some makeup and a fancy ballgown, then went.

Stellan stood with two of his bird friends, cackling like a witch. "No! Starla is terrible in bed! I swear to fuck she just lays there staring at the wall, and I have to do everything! It's embarrassing! *sighs* I'm glad one egg fell out of her, so I could stop pretending to want to fuck her scrawny twig ass."

He makes a loud drink sip sound and then even louder laugh as he tosses one of his glasses behind him and the glass shatters. His friends laugh with him.

Starla stands close by with a glass of vodka in her hand, hearing everything.

Stellan keeps laughing as he and his friends walk away. "What a pathetic fucking woman!" He says, looking directly at his wife as he says it.

Starla snarls like an angry owl. "Do you have anything stronger than this?" She asks a maid.

"We have absinthe, your highness." The maid says.

Starla puts her wine glass on the maid's tray and takes the skewers of mice. "Bring me all of it." She orders, then eats the mice in one bite.

Stellan talks something about poor people to his friends. A different waiter brings Starla a tray with a tiny shot glass and a green bottle of absinthe, he pours a shot. Starla takes the green bottle and chugs it.

"Starla, ma'am?" Someone says.

Starla gets distracted and chokes on her drink and spits it out. "I'm fine!"

Two hellhound guards, a wolflike one and a dachshund, hold Blitza up between them. The imp girl kicks her legs in a desperate attempt to get down, but she's meters off the ground, so she legs just kick at empty air.

"We caught this nasty imp trying to sneak into your chambers." The wolflike one reports. "What should we do with her?"

Blitza looks between the hellhounds. Then she looks up at Starla and flashes a nervous grin.

Blitza was bigger, her face had a striking burn scar on it, her hair was half-shaved, and her tail had 3 piercings in it. But Starla recognized her immediately.

"Into my chambers, really? Oh, well. That is concerning. *ahem* Leave her to me. I will deal with her accordingly."

The hellhounds drop Blitza onto her ass. The dachshund one hangs his head in disappointment as he leaves, as he was looking forward to beating the shit out of this intruder. Blitza rubs herself in pain from how hard they dropped her, then looks up at Starla nervously.

"Follow me, Imp." Starla orders.

Blitza glares at the ballroom of rich bitches as she follows Starla. They pass by a hallway and Blitza looks at the 3 big portraits on the wall.

The first one is a teen Starla holding the mirror that has her father on it. The second one is Starla and Stellan as newlyweds, smiling at each other.

The third one is Starla and Stellan again, but this time Stellan holds an egg in his arms. Blitza assumes it must be their daughter Octavia before she hatched.

The last one is Starla smiling and holding a young Octavia in her arms while they are in space and Starla uses her powers to play together.

Blitza realized she'd better talk her way out of this if she wanted to not get executed. "Look, I didn't mean to interrupt your whatever party. I was just trying to—"

"Don't bother with excuses, I know why you were here." Starla interrupts with her back turned, unlocking the door of a dark private room.

Blitza bites her lip nervously. "You do?"

Starla leads Blitza into the room and shuts the door.

"Yes, you are here..." She leans against the door and strikes a sexual pose. "...To ravish me, weren't you~?"

Blitza is stunned. "Uhhhh....you?"

Starla smiles. "Why else would you be breaking into my room? You could've asked to visit you know, it's been a long time, but I have a very good memory." She clasp her hands and the room's candles light up.

"Oh, yeah..." Blitza sees Starla's Grimoire on the top-most shelf and you can see the journey on her face as she decides to play into Starla's fantasies to get closer to the book.

"Well, you know, I figured since you're a princess and all it might just be easier to scale the walls and slip on in." She wiggles her eyebrows at Starla, flirtatiously. "Certainly is easier than going through your fucking staff..."

Starla giggles. "One would think you might be here for nefarious reasons, if you are sneaking in during the cover of night."

"Well, I wanted to crash the party, and it's always more fun you know to make an entrance."

"I recall how you enjoy making an entrance!"

They walk to her couch and sit down together.

"So, over two decades since I last saw you." Starla says, pushing her hair-feathers back. "Are you still a circus clown?"

"Oh." Blitza laughs. "No, not anymore. No, I kill people now."

Starla's smile immediately disappears. "Oh." She says, getting scared. She lets out a nervous laugh and pulls away a little. "How afraid should I be?"

[A/N: You moron, you don't gotta be scared at all. Yes Blitza is an assassin but you're a Goetia princess so she can't hurt you 😒]

That spellbook is practically already in my lap. Blitza thinks mischievously. Just gotta distract her.......

"Well, I mean....." Her voice changes from flat to more seductive and she intertwines their fingers. "How afraid do you want to be?"

Starla gets a little flustered, confused maybe like she'd meant it as a joke that Blitza was unexpectedly taking seriously.

"Oh! Um, well. I, uh... You know, I was teasing. I don't really—"

"Yeah, you seem pretty tense. How about I..." Blitza flips up the skirt of Starla's ballgown, exposing most of her long legs, then uses a finger to push her legs apart. "Help you out there?"

Starla nervously runs away the couch and Blitza falls onto the floor.

"You know. This is, um, getting a wee bit... Is it hot? I'm starting to feel it getting very hot... Oh!" She squealed as Blitza slams her against the bookshelf. "What are you doing? I barely remember your name!"

Blitza watches the grimoire fall to the floor, she utilizes the ladder to pull Starla into a dip, clearly trying to get closer to the book.

"It's Blitz." She says, leaning into Starla's face.

I sure hope my breath smells fresh. The imp thinks to herself.

Her tail begins pulling the book closer to herself.

"Didn't it have an "A" at the end, like a clown name? I remember - oh!"

They trip and Starla stumbles back, hitting her bed. The grimoire slides by it. Blitza pins Starla onto the bed.

"Yeah, well. It's silent now, 'kay? So, call me... Blitz."

Starla squirms backwards further up the bed. "Okay, Blitza, what are you doing to me?"

"What do you want me to do to you?"

"I, uh. Well—" Starla cranes her neck, about to notice the Grimoire missing.

Shit shit shit shit! Blitza thinks, having to think of a distraction. I sure hope she's into bites/biting!

She bites down on Starla's neck. The owl princess's face turns crimson red. "Oh my fuck! Oh, wow!"

She lets out another moan and falls backwards.

"You are so forward, Blitza! Oh! What are we doing?"

She sits up as Blitza is on the other side of the bed trying to pick up the grimoire. Blitza jumps and pins her back down.

"N-no! Stay down, dammit."

"Oh?! So, you like to command? You like to be in charge, hm?"

"Yeah, I sure do." She says curtly.

She reaches for the grimoire as Starla turns on to her stomach and bounces Blitza on her ass.

"Oh, so you're a kinky little imp, aren't you? Do you like it when I talk to you dirty? I want you to _____ me with your _____ imp _____ get it all the way _____ get it all the way through me, you _____!"

Having had enough, Blitza tries to snap Starla's neck and kill her. But she forgot Starla is an owl-demon who can turn her head 360 degrees, so it's physically impossible to snap her neck.

"Ew. Stop it." Blitza says flatly.

Starla just smiles. "Yes, if that's what Blitzy wants."

Blitza grabs the curtain from the bed poster and rips it making strips to tie around Starla's eyes as a blindfold.

"Blitzy, Oh, my! Yeees!" She moans loudly, even though Blitza hasn't even touched her.

That's how you know she's a slut. Blitza thinks. When she's moaning at the top of her lungs before I've even TOUCHED her yet.

She ties the princess's hands above her head. She gives it a tug to make sure it's firm, then she grabs the Grimoire and heads for the balcony to escape.

"Oh, I've never had anyone want me this way!" Starla laments. "You have no idea how long I've craved this kind of passion, and how much it means that the one who wants me is ... my first ever friend!"

At those words, Blitza turns around. If Starla had just kept her trap shut, Blitza totally would have left her hanging. But now that she had to go and open her big mouth, Blitza's conscious was screaming at her to 'HAVE SOME FUCKING COMPASSION, BRO!'

"Allright, fine." She sighs. "I can do this real fast."

***

THE MORNING AFTER "REAL FAST"

Starla sleeps in bed, naked and surrounded by feathers that Blitza had ripped out during their fuck session. Blitza rubs/massages Starla's arm a little bit, but then she escapes with the Grimoire. But she slips and falls onto the table Stellan and his friends are eating cake at.

Stellan stares at her, his pink eyes blown wide in shock. Blitza knows she has to distract him fast before he notices the Grimoire tucked under her arm.

"Sorry, I fucked your wife." Blitza croaked, flashing a grin at him.

Stellan looks up at the balcony, pink icing splashed onto his furious face, and smashes his teacup on the floor.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, STARLA?!!"

Starla, still high on her post-sex adrenaline, screams down at him, "THAT was the sound of a FUCKING DIVORCE!!!!!!"

She tears a "Still Not Divorced!" banner to just say "Divorced" and laughs triumphantly before giving Stellan the middle finger and going back inside, loudly slamming the balcony doors.

***

NOW...

Starla blinks awake, groaning in pain. She's lying next to a bottle of absinthe. She's still wearing her outfit from Moddie's, though now her mascara is running down her cheeks from all the crying she'd been doing.

She goes and takes her pills which are labeled "Starla's Happy Pills". She turns on her phone and scrolls through photos which is a series of pictures of Blitza or things related to Blitza.

Starla takes a deep breath, then begins to sing.

"♫ Owl in a cage ♫"
"♫ You show your age ♫"
"♫ Your sweetness has run foul ♫"
"♫ Without a change you're lost, exhausted ♫"
"♫ By your time on stage ♫"
"♫ Then you walked in my room ♫"
"♫ And like sparks in the dark ♫"
"♫ Life was suddenly thrilling and new ♫"
"♫ What between you and I ♫"
"♫ Just a comfortable lie ♫"
"♫ I'm the fool who believes when you look in my eyes ♫"
"♫ Princess, all alone, upon your throne ♫"
"♫ Your power is so frail ♫"
"♫ You raise your voice ♫"
"♫ You have no choice ♫"
"♫ Inside your gilded jail ♫"

The noise of footsteps; Stellan walks up behind his wife being dramatic on the balcony.

"The fuck are you doing?" He demands.

"Reflecting." Starla says with her back turned.

"Well, stop." Stellan commands, a hand on his hip. "It's annoying to hear you screeching your silly woes all the time."

"Why are you still here?" She asks. "You leave with Via on weekends, but then you stay around the house despite everything."

"I just like tormenting you, that's all!" Stellan smirks and comes over to Starla, jabbing his finger close to her. "I want to keep reminding you of what you did."

"I know what I did!" Starla snaps. "I cheated on you! I was unfaithful! NO SHIT!"

Stellan frowns in confusion and puts hands on his hips, wondering why Starla was talking back.

The owl princess sighs. "I would feel bad if I hurt you, but we both know you never wanted this marriage any more than I did. You and I were arranged for one reason; to birth a precautionary heir to the Goetia family, nothing more. I tried so many years to make it comfortable for us; to have this family, but it was never enough. The only reason I have endured your constant insults and cruelty was for that girl to have a normal life. ...I cannot do this anymore. I want you out. Now."

Stellan narrows his eyes dangerously. "What do you mean, out?"

"I mean out!" Starla points to the door. "Out of this palace! Out of my life! We are getting The Divorce!"

Stellan was dead speechless for a second. But it soon transitioned to rage. "How dare you."

He steps forwards as Starla shrinks backwards, looking slightly frightened of him.

"Have you forgotten your place, you stupid little bitch? I  am the prince and you are nothing but my wife."

Starla scoffs. "Are you living in the Victorian era, Stellan? Being the man doesn't mean I am "nothing but your wife"."

"Don't you dare test me! I am the prince and you are not who makes these kind of decisions."

"Have you forgotten that you would never even be a prince if it weren't for me?" Starla counter-attacks. "I am the one who was born into royalty, not you. That pretty little crown on your head would never even be there if you hadn't married me, you would just be the marquis you were born as. Our title and our home were all passed down to me, and the only reason you have access to any of it is because of me!"

"What do you think the rest of the Goetia family will think of you filing for divorce?"

Stellan lifts his hand to backhand Starla. This was not the first time he'd hit her. He didn't do it every time she stepped out of line or talked back to him, no, he only did it when he was super angry. Like right now. "Andrealphus—!"

Starla catches his hand. Stellan did not hit her often, but when he did, she had never once tried to stop him. Her action took them both by surprise.

"I don't care what your arrogant brother thinks!" She yelled back.

Stellan's eyes widened as Starla tightened her grip on his wrist like a vice, not letting him pull away.

"My decision is final, and if you think there's anything you can do to stop it, then be my guest and try! Go ahead! Besides, the only thing the Goetia family wanted from our marriage is already 17, so it's over, I'm done!"

She tightened her grip to a bruising level, before roughly shoving him away, making him stumble backwards and almost fall over.

Then she ripped the wedding band off her finger and threw it at his face. He defensively lifted his arm up and the band bounced off his arm, landing on the floor with a clink. Stellan picked it up, staring down at the glittering gold ring in shock. Starla had her arms crossed and she was glaring at him.

The peacock-demon was speechless as he looked back-and-forth between Starla and the wedding ring. But then he composed himself again, straightening out his shirt and standing up straighter.

"Fine. I have no desire to stay in the place of a traitorous embarrassment such as yourself. You have fallen from what little grace you had, and I know you'll pay for it." He smirks.

"I've paid for it plenty by not dumping your ass sooner." She grumbles.

Stellan left. Starla sighs, leans her forearms on the balcony railing, and looks up at the twinkling stars stitched into the sky.

The end

Chapter Text

Stellan and Octavia got out of the carriage with a bunch of shopping bags in their hands from their shopping trip. Stellan immediately called over a servant to take his bags inside for him, but Octavia carried and put away her bags by herself. There's no need to ask the servants to do everything for you.

As they entered the palace, they found the TV playing a telenovela but Starla was nowhere to be found.

"Where is your mother? She didn't go out tonight, did she?" Stellan asked irritably.

They went into the other rooms in search of Starla. She was nowhere. But soon they found an epic mess of dresses and beauty products carelessly scattered everywhere.

"Oh, Satan." Stellan said, his face shocked and angry as he looked at the mess. "Did your mother do this? What in Hell was she thinking? And where in Hell is she?!"

"She might be in her greenhouse. That's where she likes to go sometimes, right?" Octavia suggests.

They go to Starla's greenhouse, but they find it as an equally epic mess. There are no beauty products strewn around here, but there are bottles of booze everywhere, some of them tipped over or broken so the liquid is spilled on the floor, and some of the plants even have their pots cracked.

Octavia bites her lip as she looks up at her father. Stellan's jaw is grinding tight. He snaps his fingers and summons a group of servants to clean the mess in the greenhouse. Then he turns to Octavia, his facial expression a bit more measured but still angry deep down.

"Go ahead and turn in for tonight, Octavia." He says.

"What? But I—"

"We've been shopping all day long. You must be tired, honey. I know I am. Just go rest, and I'll have a quick chat with your mother before I turn in too." He gave Octavia's shoulder a stiff pat, then left.

They both got out of the greenhouse. Octavia started to walk down the hall to her bedroom, but something was screaming at her to follow her father. She wouldn't be surprised if her parents just started arguing again, but she just... This time felt different.

Octavia stealthily followed after Stellan, keeping her footfalls light so he wouldn't hear her. Stellan didn't even come close to noticing her though, as he was marching down the hall in a fierce speed. He went to Starla's bedroom (the one he used to share with her, but he quickly moved out of when she started seeing Blitza). He saw Starla's silhouette standing on the balcony, so he went out there.

"I know what I did! I cheated on you! I was unfaithful! NO SHIT!" She heard her mother shouting.

Octavia's eyebrows shot up in surprise. She scurried over to the balcony and pressed herself against the wall, eavesdropping.

"I would feel bad if I hurt you, but we both know you never wanted this marriage any more than I did." Her mother went on. "You and I were arranged for 1 reason; to birth a precautionary heir to the Goetia family, nothing more. I have tried for so many years to make it comfortable for us; to have this family, but it was never enough. The only reason I have endured your constant insults and cruelty was for that girl to have a normal life. ...I cannot do this anymore. I want you out. Now."

"What do you mean, out?" Her father asks.

"I mean out! Out of this palace! Out of my life! We are getting The Divorce!" Starla says.

There was a moment of tense silence.

"How dare you." Stellan says. "Have you forgotten your place, you stupid little bitch? I am the prince and you are nothing but my wife."

Starla scoffs. "Are you living in the Victorian era, Stellan? Being the man doesn't mean I am "nothing but your wife"."

"Don't you dare test me! I am the prince and you are not who makes these kind of decisions."

Octavia covers her mouth with her hand in shock as she heard her father say those words. Is that... Is that SERIOUSLY what he thinks about Mum? That being his wife means she's basically just his possession?

"Have you forgotten that you would never even be a prince if it weren't for me?" Starla counter-attacks. "I am the one who was born into royalty, not you. That pretty little crown on your head would never even be there if you hadn't married me, you would just be the marquis you were born as. Our title and our home were all passed down to me, and the only reason you have access to any of it is because of me!"

Wow. This might be the first time she's ever stood up to him like that. Octavia thinks. Or, at least the first time I'VE ever heard her do it. I dunno what Mum and Dad do when I'm not around.

"What do you think the rest of the Goetia family will think of you filing for divorce? Andrealphus—!"

"I don't care what your arrogant brother thinks!" Starla yells. "My decision is final, and if you think there's anything you can do to stop it, then be my guest and try! Go ahead! Besides, the only thing the Goetia family wanted from our marriage is already 17, so it's over, I'm done!"

She heard Stellan grunt and the sound of stumbling footsteps. Did Starla just push him?

And then she heard a quiet clink of metal hitting the balcony floor.

There were a few more moments of silence.

"Fine." Stellan finally says. "I have no desire to stay in the place of a traitorous embarrassment such as yourself. You have fallen from what little grace you had, and I know you'll pay for it."

"I've paid for it plenty by not dumping your ass sooner." Starla grumbles.

As Stellan marches back inside, Octavia quickly hides behind the wall. She sees a glint of gold between Stellan's fingers. She holds her breath, praying she won't be caught, as she knows Stellan will kill her for this.

Octavia peeks her head around the side of the wall to see Starla leaning there on the balcony railing. She cautiously sneaks back over.

"Mum?"

Starla turns around in surprise. "Via! Honey! What are you... Have you been eavesdropping, young lady?!"

"Well, yeah." She admits.

Starla rolls her eyes. "You know what? Fuck it. I'm too tired to even reprimand you for your nosiness."

Octavia comes over to her, noticing the ballgown and the starry cape Starla is wearing, and how she's curled her hair at the ends. "You look stunning, by the way."

She takes out her phone and snaps a picture. An aesthetic pic of a princess standing on a balcony at night, dolled up in a beautiful ballgown and styled hair, but with a tearstained face.

This shit will go VIRAL on Sinstagram. She thinks before putting the phone away.

"But I know you don't get dressed up just to hang around the house. So what's the occasion? Hot date with your imp girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend, Via." Starla says sadly. "She proved that to me tonight."

"Well, go ahead and dump it on me." Octavia prompts.

"She invited me on a date to that strip club, Moddie's. I thought it was a date, and I thought this meant she loved me for real. But really, she was just using me to spy on her employees, and then my night only got shittier when Asmodeous herself decided to announce to the whole club I was sleeping with an imp, and remind me of how I'd apparently *air quotes* "sold my life for a thrust"."

"Fuck." Octavia cringes in sympathy. "That's rough."

"Blitza didn't even agree to spend the night when I asked her to. I even offered we hang out without having sex, but she said no."

"Maybe she's just a bitch who you should cut all ties with?" Octavia suggests. Honestly she wouldn't mind Starla cutting all ties with that annoying imp.

"Oh, I don't know." Starla says. "But since you were listening in, I believe you already understand everything that went down between me and your father. How our marriage was an arranged one. How we have— I have— decided a divorce is the best route to go on now that you are almost an adult, Octavia."

"So you two are getting divorced? For... for real?"

"For real." Starla confirms. "I know it will not be easy for you. But I have held onto this marriage for 18 years just for your sake..... and to protect our reputation, but mostly just for you. You are not a young child anymore, and you are also so clever and so brave for your age. I know you can survive this. It's time for your father and I to part ways."

The girl nodded. "I understand, Mum."

Starla's beak lifted into a weak, relieved smile. "I knew you would."

Octavia drummed her fingers against the balcony railing as she thought about what usually comes with divorce. "So I guess I can expect to see a lot of lawyers coming in and out, and stuff moving around, and a lot of changes around this house?"

"Yes, there will be quite a few changes. But I promise I'll do my best not to let them get in your way."

"Will Dad still live with us?"

"No. He will not." Starla's voice was firm and it conveyed she'd made the final decision. "I assume he will go live with his brother Andrealphus. Or with one of his friends. But wherever he goes, it will not be here. I just can't do it anymore."

"Yeah, I guess if you guys are apart then you won't scream at each other as much. That'll be kind of nice." Octavia admits.

Starla turned her head to face Octavia, her red eyes locking onto Octavia's pink ones. She put a gentle hand on her daughter's shoulder.

"I hope this decision doesn't make you hate me, Starfire."

"Nothing can make me hate you, Mum." Despite her many mixed emotions about this whole thing, she didn't harbour hatred towards her mother for this. She proved it by hugging her.

They hugged, then Octavia pulled away. "Now come on, I'll help you take off your fancy outfit and sleep. You left your room in a mess, by the way."

The end

Chapter Text

Octavia wakes up, smiling gleefully as she knows what today is. The infamous Azraktoth's Tears starfall is happening tonight. She and Starla, being the astrology nerds they are, are gonna be front and centre for it. She hops down a hallway, putting on her boot.

"Hey, Mum!" She calls.

She expects to see Starla already packing a bag so they can go off to see the Azraktoth's Tears meteor shower. She expects Starla to serve her some breakfast and then start discussing where exactly they're gonna go to get the best possible view of the meteor shower.

But to her surprise and confusion, her mother is nowhere to be seen.

"Mum? Muuuuuum?" She calls as she searches the palace. Then she sees an open foyer door and hears Starla's' voice coming through it.

"Yes, I know!" Starla stands out front on the phone with Stellan, squeezing her butler in her other hand. Imps are loading items into a van.

"It will be there, shortly." She says.

"Those foolish servants better be careful with my things!" Stellan warns.

"Of course they're being careful!"

"Mum, what's going on?" Octavia asks when she comes over.

"Apparently your father can't exist somewhere for two minutes without the entirety of his possessions—"

"Starla, don't you dare go turning my own daughter against me!" Stellan shouts from the other end.

"What? No! I'm not turning her against you— Yes, Stellan!"

"—never have to see your fucking face again!" The peacock-demon says.

Octavia winces when she sees the butler's face is turning blue. "Mum, I think you're hurting him..." She gently unclenches Starla's taloned fingers to let him go.

"What? Oh, sorry." Starla mutters to her butler, who falls to his knees and gasps for breath now that he's free.

"This is going to be done before tonight, right?" Octavia asks.

"What? Oh. I hardly think so." The older princess says. "Knowing your father, this will take all weekend." She turns to the imps loading the car. "Don't be gentle about it, now! Break whatever you have to to get it all in there!"

"What?! What did you just tell them to do?!" Stellan demands.

"Yes, you heard it correctly! Don't expect all your things to be exactly as you left them!" Starla says to him.

Octavia awkwardly fiddled with her hands. "But tonight we're supposed to—"

Starla sighs, exasperated, and turns to Octavia. "Darling, can we not talk about this now? Your father's being a real B-I-T-C-H."

Stellan makes a series of angry peacock screeches. "The fuck do you mean—"

"Well, how was I supposed to know you can spell?! I've never seen you read!"

"I'm going to take everything! Everything you own!"

"Right, because now that I've dumped your pathetic ass, you don't even own anything!"

Octavia opened her mouth to remind Starla of the meteor shower, but Starla had already turned her back to Octavia as she kept yelling at Stellan. The teenager looked around, her eyes darting between Starla and the moving van and the other imps. Then her jaw grinded in anger and she dashed upstairs.

Octavia slammed the door with an outraged scream. She pushed over her telescope and rips the calendar off the wall, crumpling it up and throwing it. Then she leans on the door and catches her breath.

"Fine, Mum. If you'd rather spend your time yelling at your ex-husband instead of keeping the promise you made to your only daughter years ago, then who the fuck needs you? Go ahead, miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime wonder. I'll go watch it all by myself."

She opens the door to go to Starla's room, where she knows the Grimoire is. But then she remembers it's not here anymore, it's being kept by that whore Starla keeps sleeping with. So she grabs her backpack and uses her phone to google the address of I.M.P.'s office.

***

"Get your little red ass over here!!!" Lunar orders, chasing after Blitza.

"Lunar, please, can we talk—"

The office's empty water dispenser is thrown her way and hits her in the face.

"Ah! You fucknut! I-I mean... let's not throw things, honey. Let's discuss this like the mature adults we ar—"

Lunar tackles her and they both roll across the room. He grabs a picture off the wall and begins beating Blitza with it while Millie walks past to the couch where Moxxie is sitting. She joins him on it and they drink coffee from their matching mugs.

"What's this all about, honey?" Millie asks.

"Oh! Blitza finally talked to him about his attitude with clients." Moxxie says.

Blitza looks up at her useless employees as she keeps trying to wrestle Lunar off. "Yeah, no, thanks a lot for just SITTING THERE instead of HELPING me, you two!" She growls.

"You're the boss. You gotta deal with these kind of troubles." Moxxie says with a smirk.

Blitza grabs the couch they're sitting on and pulls it forwards, hiding behind it as Lunar advances on her.

"I just think some small tweaks might help you be more of a uh, people person, you know?" The woman says.

"I am a people person!" Lunar grabs the strap of Blitza's sports bra and pulls her close.

"If I'm so terrible, how about you just grow a pair and replace me?!" He challenges before pulling his fist back to punch her square in the face.

"Okay, well, maybe I- Maybe I might."

Lunar's fist freezes mid-air. He looks completely dumbfounded. "What?"

Blitza turns to Moxxie who gives her a thumbs-up. With newfound confidence, she punches Lunar's hand away, making the hellhound let go of her and rub his wrist in pain.

"Maybe I will, little mister! That's right, it's tough love time! So, now you can... go... to your desk!"

"Bitch!" Lunar mutters at her as he stomps to the desk.

"Phew!" Blitza exhales as she slides down onto the couch.

"Ma'am, if I may say so; you're doing the right thing. If we can't even hire a cheerful qualified receptionist, how can people trust us to massacre and mutilate their enemies for them?" Moxxie says as he begins to massage his boss's shoulders.

Octavia opens the door and wraps her hair-feathers around her neck like a scarf disguise. The 3 imps were too busy talking to each other, so they didn't notice her sneaking in. But then she freezes in place when she sees that hellhound guy (she doesn't know his name) has looked up from his phone and he's staring directly at her.

Octavia lifts a finger to her lips to say 'be quiet', and gives him a pleading look with her eyes. The hellhound glances at the distracted imps, then he smiles and gives Octavia the thumbs-up, silently telling her he won't snitch.

The owl-demon smiles at him gratefully (she hopes he can tell she's smiling despite her hair covering her mouth). Then she goes to Blitza's office and starts rummaging around in the desk to no avail. She turns behind her to a framed portrait of I.M.P. all together and moves it to reveal a wall safe covered in spider webs and labeled "Blitza's stuf Do Nut Steel!!" with a drawing of two horses. She enters a code of 1-2-3-4 and the safe opens.

She grabs Starla's Grimoire out of the safe and flips through it.

"Okay, now how do I do this?" She quietly says to herself.

Starla had always been extremely strict that Octavia never touched her Grimoire. And Starla wasn't even a strict mother by any means, but she was super serious about this. So Octavia didn't really know how the thing worked, and while she understood some of the spells written on the pages, she didn't understand enough to know which one will take her to the human world.

After a minute or so of reading and rereading the spells, she decided to just speak to the spellbook and see if that works.

"Take me to see the stars."

A pentagram swirls around her and black swirls of power stream towards the ceiling. The light show coming from his boss' office catches Moxxie's attention.

"Um, ma'am?""

The cucumber slices fall off Blitza's eyes as she turns around. "The fuck?

I.M.P squeeze through the door, weapons drawn in case it's an intruder, just in time to see Octavia disappear through the portal.

Blitza is in shock for a second, then she screamed, "Lunaaaaaaar!"

"Oh, yeah." The hellhound said nonchalantly. "You have a visitor."

***

Octavia's whole body ached. She felt like she'd just landed on hard cement, and she was so dizzy she could hardly see for a second. "Where am I?"

The scene opens on a blank Hollywood star as a hobo vomits onto it, causing Octavia to slide backwards and yelps. The dead body of Britney Ragers with an eyeball coming out of her head lies underneath Octavia, who accidentally crushed her after falling on her from the portal. The Grimoire sits next to her. Octavia looks up and the portal closes. She then runs off with the Grimoire.

"Woah!" She bumps into a clown.

The clown turns around furiously. "This is my territory, bitch! Take your shitty costume and get the fuck off my corner!"

He pushes Octavia and she almost falls right into traffic. She grabs her things and runs across a crosswalk while cars swerve and almost hit her. She runs into a protest mob. They're holding signs that say, "Demons walk among us", "God hates you personally", and "<-- To Hell".

She dodges away from them and almost into a gleaming golden statue of a man smiling with his hand out. She falls to the ground as two ladies see her and look shocked. Octavia looks frightened as she grabs the Grimoire and scrambles into an alley way. She sits with her knees to her chest breathing heavily like a panic attack.

***

Blitza is also having a major panic attack. She paces back-and-forth while chewing on a lock of hair in her mouth.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" She grabs Moxxie. "What the fuck am I supposed to tell Starla?!"

"Well, she seems to like you, ma'am. Maybe she would understand if—"

"Okay, my tongue and fingers are good, but they are not that good, Moxxie." She says before going back to chewing on her hair in fear.

"Ma'am, I don't think we really have a choice."

"So, what? You just want me to call her up and be like, "Hey, Starla"—"

"So your daughter came by," she continues into the phone, "took your spellbook, and teleported off to who-the-fuck-knows-where, and we have no way of getting either of them back, okay?! Okay! Good talk, byeee!"

She puts the phone down and backs away.

"Oh, that actually went better than I thought—"

The door is blown up by one very pissed off demon princess.

"BLIIIIIIIIITZA!" She yells so loudly the entire block must have heard her.

[A/N: Remember when this audio was trending on tiktok?😭 This is one of my fav stolitz scenes, so iconic]

***

Octavia tries to talk to people on the street, who are ignoring her.

"Hey, do y- Can you help - h-how do I get ah - I - excuse me, I just need to know where I can... *sighs* see the stars." She groans and rubs at her eye, pulling her beanie over her face.

A pamphlet flies into Octavia's face it says "bus tours" on the back and on the inside center panel "Star * Struck Tourz" and in the bottom left hand corner "Stalk your fave celeb!"

Octavia gasps and crumples the flyer close in a hug. "Yes!"

She expands it back out and runs to hop a seat on the Starstruck Tourz bus.

***

Starla paces in front of Millie, Moxxie and Blitza.

"How could this happen?! Do you just let anyone waltz into your office and grab infinitely powerful artifacts?!" She clutches at her hat worriedly. "Why would she do this? How are we supposed to find her? Where would she go?"

Lunar sniffs the air. "Well, it reeks of urine and desperation so... *sniffs again* Ugh... L.A."

Blitza shoves Lunar through a portal that the rest of I.M.P. and Starla walks through.

"Allright, Lunar, let's make this quick. In and out before anyone notices us here."

Sounds of gunfire and screaming as Blitza looks around the alleyway they've portaled into. "Oh. This doesn't look much different from Hell." She brushes off her front. "Allright, now Lunar, sniff!"

Lunar removes an empty can from his hair. "How am I supposed to smell anything in this city?"

Moxxie glares up at Lunar. "Can't you even do one thing right?"

"Can't you finally do something about how fat you are?" Lunar asks smugly.

"I'm not fat, asshole."

"Oh yeah? When was the last time you put a fucking salad in your body?" Lunar asks.

Blitza rolls her eyes. "Boys, boys, is this seriously the time to be grabbing at each other's throats? We gotta concentrate on finding Octavia!"

She jumps up on a dumpster to make an announcement. "Now, first things first we're gonna do this the old-fashioned way. We're gonna need disguises."

"Disguises? Oh, that I can do!" Starla smiles in excitement.

She and Lunar both transform into their human disguises. Starla's disguise is a human woman with chocolate-coloured hair that still has a lighter streak in it, red eyes, and pale skin. Her fancy red-and-gold ballgown has turned into a far more casual red-and-gold sundress.

Millie claps in amazement while Moxxie look unimpressed. Blitza's eyes widen and blushes seeing Starla's human disguise. When Starla notices her staring, Blitza quickly shakes her head to clear out the dirty thoughts.

"No chance you can conjure us a couple of those, can ya?" The imp woman asks.

"Sadly, no. I'm afraid without my Grimoire, my powers are just a tad limited in the human world."

"What, you can't memorize your fucking spells?"

Starla plants her hands on her hips. "Oh, your memory's so great? *gestures to Moxxie* What's his phone number?"

Blitza's shoulders slumped in defeat. "Fuck you."

Starla smiles and lifts her chin. "Exactly."

They leave the alleyway and Starla grabs a pair of red-tinted sunglasses which ahe puts on her head where her second pair of eyes would be in her normal form.

Blitza still can't get over Starla's human disguise. "Shit, Moxxie, when did Starla get so hot?" She whispers into Moxxie's ear.

Moxxie rolls his eyes and he's about to tell Blitza to stop gawking at Starla, but then he runs face first into a human man.

"Hey, little man. How about you check out *pulls CD out of jacket* this demo right here? This is some premium Grade-A fire right here! Perfect for you to crank with the little lady." He grabs Millie and pulls her close to her obvious displeasure.

"Oh, wow! You made this? Thank you."

He and Millie start to leave but the dude stops them.

"Oh, hey, hey, hey. Hold up a sec, you just gonna grab it and go?"

"He said, "thank you"." Millie said.

The Music Dude holds out a hand. "20 bucks, man."

Moxxie grabs Millie's face, desperately. "Millie, we need money to pay this talented artist!"

So that's how M&M got distracted trying to earn enough cash to pay for Moxxie's CD.

***

They go to a store labeled "Little costume shop of horrors". Blitza comes out the door dressed in a pink top, blue skinny jeans held up by a black belt, and a brown wig with ponytails that are tall enough to cover her horns.

"So?" She asks, putting a hand on her hip with a proud smile.

[A/N: Pretend she's wearing a brown wig too]

"You look like a jackass." Lunar says flatly.

Before Blitza can tell him where to shove it, a woman shrieks.

"Look, everyone!" The woman says. "It's Holly's Wood star, Britney Ragers!"

Blitza frowns. "The fuck is a Britney Rager— Oh."

She looks up and sees a billboard for "Sweetie! I'm In the House!! Guest Starring Britney Ragers". The woman on the poster is the one Octavia accidentally killed by landing on earlier.

Starla looks at the billboard and realizes what this means. "Oh, dear."

A crowd immediately mobs Blitza, taking pictures and begging for things while Blitza tries to escape.

"Millie, where are you and your whorebag husband?!" The female imp shouts.

***

The crowd keeps harassing Blitza.

"I am taking this out of their pay!" She screams.

A truck is seen with agents jumping out to break the commotion. A man is seen blowing his whistle with a diploma in his hands, and Blitza is finally let go. A producer approaches her.

"Mrs. Ragers, we've been looking for you everywhere. You were supposed to be on set an hour ago!" The producer tells her, a bag of fruit snacks in his hand.

"The fuck are you talking about?" Blitza demands.

"Your guest spot on... *eats a fruit snack* "Sweetie! I'm in the House!!""

An ad pops up, resembling the same design of the billboard, and briefly disappears.

"We're taping tonight. Now, hurry up and get in the car!"

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! I'm not going anywhere with you, jizz-biscuit!" Blitza gives the middle fingers.

"Very funny, Mrs. Ragers. Now, get in the car." He shakes a fruit snack at her like she's a dog. "Come on, girl, come on."

"Get your fucking hands off me!"

Blitza tries to get away, but one guard grabs her hair and drags her to the truck by her hair. She starts hitting his hand to make him let go, but another guard immediately grabs her wrists and holds them behind her back so she can't fight.

"Lunar! Starla! A little help, here?!"

Blitza's wig falls off, as a man who drops his baby catches it. This leads the crowd to have an altercation, fighting over her wig.

"E-excuse me, sir. I'm..." Starla fixes her hair nervously. "I'm Mrs. Ragers' agent, and I don't believe you can just— oh!" A muscular female agent wraps her arms around Starla's waist and hoists her up.

"You are strong." Starla smiles mischievously.

Blitza and Starla are thrown in the back of the truck. Blitza lets out a furious imp hiss and runs to the door on all fours, but they slam shut in her face.

"Blitza, we don't have time for this. Via could be anywhere. She could be in danger."

"Don't worry, I'm on it." Blitza says.

Blitza breaks the windows with her horns, and spots Lunar punching people in the crowd.

"Lunar! Hey!" She calls, making him turn around. "Go find Via and we'll catch up soon!"

Lunar flips her off, pissed that she's dumping the Charlie work on him while she goes off to do something else.

"Yes! I'm serious! I'm— oh for FUCK'S SAKE, LUNAR!" Blitza smacks her palm on the side of the truck in frustration. "Are you stupid or something? Like, for real, if you can't even do this one simple task then what good are you?!?"

What good are you? That's something he heard a billion times when he was living at the orphanage.

"Also, might I remind you that it's completely your fault she came here in the first place? You thought you were being all "cool" by letting her get away with sneaking around and stealing, but what if she's dead right now because of you?!"

Lunar just stands there and stares at his adoptive mother. Her words cut into him like a rusted dagger, and so does her piercing glare.

"Now you go and find that girl right the fuck NOW, or I really will replace you!" The female imp tells him. "I swear to Satan, at this rate I could literally pull any rando off the street and they'd do a better job than my so-called *air quotes* "son" is doing!"

Blitza went back into the truck as it started to drive away. Lunar stands there and watches it go for a minute, still stinging from Blitza's words as they remind him of things the orphanage's staff used to tell him. Then he leaves.

"K, she's in good hands." Blitza tells Starla.

The disguised owl-demon cringed. "Blitza, don't you think that might've have been a tad bit harsh—"

"Harsh?" Blitza waved her hand carelessly. "No no, don't be stupid, Starla. The kid's gotta learn responsibility somehow."

The truck bounced down the road.

Blitza sighed and drummed her fingers on the floor she was sitting on. "How long do you think it'll be before we get there?"

"I dunno. All I can think about is my poor girl." Starla admitted. "I still can't imagine why she'd do this to herself, putting herself in danger like this. Was she just getting too curious about the human world? Was she growing impatient that her training hadn't led to her coming here yet?"

Blitza scooted forwards and grabbed both of Starla's hands. "It will be okay, Starla! I promise! Octavia isn't dumb, if she sees something that's not safe for her, she'll be able to tell and stay away from it."

Starla closed her eyes and pressed her fingers against her temples. "I know, but I'm still so concerned for her."

Blitza hesitated a bit before asking, "Hey, you know what might help?"

"What?"

"Well, since we're all alone in here..." She crawls forwards some more so she's kneeling on one knee right between Starla's legs. She puts her hands on the owl-demon's shoulders and leans forward with a haughty smile. "I think you already know what I'm suggesting~"

Starla smiles and rolls her eyes. "You're ridiculous."

"I wanna see how different this body is from your demon body!" Blitza urges. "Come on, I promise I'll keep my ears perked for if anyone is about to open the door."

"This body is more vulnerable, a few feet shorter, not covered in feathers, and the hands and feet aren’t sturdy talons." Starla listed off. "But I am curious how it would react to certain stimulates….."

Blitza starts to unbuckle her belt and unzip the fly of her jeans as Starla unbuttons her own sundress.

***

Octavia gets off the bus and rips the pamphlet in half. She walks away from the group, not noticing a crime scene, walking above a corpse. She then stops when she comes across a sign titled, "Star Owl: Souvenir Shop."

She takes pictures of the sign, proceeds to walk but slowly stops when she takes a look at what's inside the shop itself, zooming into a box that says "Starstruck" on it.

***

Cut to a building entitled "Starstruck Studios". (Don't worry, Blitza and Starla finished what they were doing and got dressed before they were removed from the truck). One Agent has Starla slung over his shoulder while others carry a resisting Blitza, doing everything in her power to try and escape, but to no avail. With the paparazzi around her, she's thrown to a chair in a makeup room.

"Let's get her ready! She's on in 5!" The producer calls.

"What? "5" what? I-I can't be on a sitcom!" Blitza cries.

She gets smacked in the face with a powderpad.

"Hey, can't you guys see I'm already wearing makeup?" Blitza huffs. "What more do I need?!"

Ignoring her, they add some extra makeup on her and flat-iron her hair a bit. Then they drag her backstage, with Starla beside her holding water bottles.

"Should've had an ego crisis before signing the contract." The producer said unsympathetically.

"I-I-I... Whoa-, I don't even know the fucking lines, idiot!"

"Well, that's why God invented teleprompters!" He jerked his thumb at a teleprompter, where an actress was smoking a cigarette and a child actress was snorting cocaine.

"Shouldn't she rehearse, or something?" Starla asked.

"No can do, we're live in 10, 9—" The producer said before leaving.

Blitza's hands flew into her hair. She started to hyperventilate.

"Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! I-I... I can't do this. No, not again. I-I haven't performed since—"

Since the circus fire that tore my family apart, She thought. Her mind immediately filled with memories of burning tents, stampeding horses, flames scorching half of her face, her sister Barbie sobbing, and herself screaming Fizzarollia's name but never being able to find her in all the chaos.

She would have had a full-on panic attack right there, but Starla came over and gently lifted her chin to make their eyes meet.

"Blitza, if your performance on stage is half as good as it is in bed, you'll leave them breathless."

She lightly scraped her fingernails down Blitza's face, then down her neck and to her collarbone. Blitza gulped and smiled a bit, turned on.

Starla stood up straight. "Now, hurry up and wow them so we can get back to finding Via!" She pushed Blitza onto the set where the lights have yet to be turned on. "Break a leg, darling!"

She quickly closed the door, and the lights go on faster than Blitza can respond. The imp woman looked towards the studio audience.

"Action!" The producer said.

A male actor came over to Blitza. "Well, if it isn't our neighbor, Veronica. Or Ronnie, as you told us we can call you. You feel that earthquake earlier?"

Blitza looked towards the stage crew looking just as distressed as she is.

"Say something..." Starla whispered nervously.

The teleprompter appeared with Blitza's lines, with the latter sweating profusely attempting to play along.

"Oh, yeah? Yeah. "That was just my husband rolling out of bed.""

Starla looked nervously to the audience, unresponsive at first, but laughing instantly. Blitza smiled, not noticing the signs indicating people to laugh with a bit of static.

"Yeah, yeah!" She went on with more confidence. "Yeah, and then that fat asshole hit his head on the way down and shattered his skull!"

The signs do not change, as they still say "Laugh", but no one is laughing, except for Starla, finding this humorous.

"There's blood everywhere... pee in his pants..." Blitza cackled.

Starla continues to laugh in hoots, the audience looks up at the signs, which say, "Srsly, laugh anyway", and the audience proceeds to laugh to this as well.

Blitza, becoming less nervous, winks at Starla, who blushes immensely and chugs a bottle of acid water.

***

"Thanks." Lunar said to the cashier who serves him coffee. "And have you seen a teenage girl in an owl costume?"

"Uh, nope. Sorry. Next!" The cashier said.

Lunar left the coffee shop, sipping his coffee and opening up his phone to Sinstagram. He'd asked several people if they'd seen a "teenage girl in an owl costume", but the answer was always no. He wanted to find Octavia, but he didn't know how else to do it.

He was still thinking nonstop about how Blitza told him she'd replace him. The staff at the orphanage were always telling him he would never be adopted by anyone because of his problems. A few times Lunar had been adopted, but his adoptive parents returned him to the shelter when they realized he was "too much of a handful" for them. Then the staff would laugh right in his face and say "I told you so!".

By the time Blitza came along, he wasn't expecting her to keep him for very long before returning him to the shelter. But she did. Lunar dared to hope he might finally, finally have found someone who actually wants him, but now he wasn't even sure about that.

As he walked around the city with music playing on his phone, he stopped when he spotted the Star Owl: Souvenir Shop sign on the wall. He took a selfie with it to post on his Sinstagram.

He tagged the photo with #earthshit' and posts it, then clicks on #earthshit' to see what other demons get up to on earth. Then he noticed a post from Octavia at the same location. He spits out his coffee in shock, then looks at Octavia's profile, with some of her recent posts being pictures she took throughout the city.

One post shows a castle she was nearby, with the caption reading "Found a cool looking castle, reminds me of home..." which was shown to have been posted 2 minutes ago. That same castle from the post is right behind him.

"Fuck, I must've just missed her!" Lunar mumbled, crushing his coffee cup and throwing it on the ground.

He kept on hunting for her, using her sinstagram posts like a trail of breadcrumbs. The hellhound ended up having to go to a lot of different places. By the time he ended up at an observatory, he was sweaty, gross, tired, and ready to punch somebody.

"If you're not here, Octavia, I am gonna be pissed." He mumbled as he went to the entrance.

***

Back at Starstruck Studios, the audience is seen looking either visibly bored, or mentally scarred. Starla is also looking troubled.

"Oh, Uggie! You've gone and done it again." Blitza said to a pug dog that just pissed on the set's couch. "That's the 5th couch this year!"

The screens still advise the audience to laugh, who struggle to do so. One audience member laughs out of insanity, and then passes out while foaming at the mouth.

Blitza pouted, pretending to be deep in thought. "You know, maybe it's about time I found you a new home. One that could put up with your attitude."

As Blitza took out a leash, the other actors appeared on set.

"I could take him, Mrs. Ronnie! I'd be happy to adopt old Uggie and give him the attention he needs!" The young girl said.

As the family comes together, the spotlight centred only them, with cute animals surronding them. The crowd responded with an "Awww", as Blitza faced away from them.

"Yeah... yeah, m-maybe, you should adopt..."

She looked down at Uggie, but he reminds her of something.

[Flashback]

Several years prior, Blitza went to a hellhound adoption centre. She looked in a cell with a bunch of hounds, the one in the center resembling Uggie.

"Aww, they're all so cute. And they're.... sad."

"Maybe you could adopt this one here. Quite a strong lad, he'll be perfect for whatever work you want to use him for." The adoption centre woman said.

Blitza sets her sight on the dog she's recommended, but her look of excitement turns into disgust after seeing the hound's face.

"Ugh! No, I'm not looking for no ugly wonker, heh. I need something that's more, you know... feel-good. I have not been feeling good at all since I recently broke up with my girlfriend. Verosika Mayday, she's a popstar, ever heard of her?"

"No." The woman said curtly.

"Oh." Blitza said. "Well anyway, I need something a bit more family-friendly that'll cheer me up a bit."

"We have a nice selection of other hounds." The woman said.

As the two continue to walk, Blitza stops for a moment at the cell in front of her. "Who's that?"

An angry teenage Lunar is using his phone with a younger vicious hound holding a bat full of bloody nails, wanting Lunar's phone.

"Oh, him?" The adoption centre woman said, her voice mildly disgusted. "That's just Lunar. What a nightmare."

The younger hound is thrown against the cell bars. Lunar pants furiously then crawls back in his space.

"Serious attitude problems." The woman went on.

Blitza observed Lunar, as his angry face turned slowly into sadness.

"He'll be out of our hair next month when he ages out." The adoption centre woman said. "Good riddance, if you ask me. He'll never amount to anything much."

Lunar scooted back over in his bench, holding himself and shedding tears.

The scenes flash between a sad Lunar, and a sympathetic Blitza, until flashing back to the present on set.

[Flashback ends]

"No. No, no, no, you can't have him!" Blitza decided, hugging the pug closely. "He's mine, and I love him!"

The signs that say "Laugh" change to "Awww?", as this moves the audience, but confuses Starla.

"But Mrs. Ronnie, you gotta let me have the puppy. You just gotta!" The girl said, approaching Blitza with a devilish grin.

The girl would've snatched Uggie away, but Blitza let out an impish hiss and it made her scared.

"Don't you touch him, you little anal fissure!"

The audience laughed, which offended Blitza.

"Oh, you think this is funny, assholes?! She's not fit to be a mother!" Blitza yelled, gesturing to the younger girl who was trying to sneak away. "I saw her doing lines of coke in her dressing room!"

Seeing her break character, the producer sicced his agents on Blitza.

The actress playing the girl's mother came over. "Now, uh... Ronnie. I think maybe you should—"

She tried to take Uggie from Blitza, but the demon smacked her off, as well as the wig on her head. "You can't have my baby, bitch!" As the agents corner Blitza, she pulls out her flintlock against them, with the signs above exclaiming "Oh, shit!". "I'LL NEVER GET RID OF HIM!!!"

As more people pile on top of Blitza, she shoots several of them in the head, but they outnumber her and all start to beat her up.

"I'm coming, Bliiiitza!" Starla called as she trips her way over the fence and tries to intervene. "Excuse me! Would you mind?!"

As the disguised owl-demon tries to move through the crowd and save Blitza, she gets pushed back. Fed up with this, she grabs her water bottle, and pathetically throws it across. It hits the producer, but as the acid water spills all over him, it burns his skin severely. This causes him to knock down the teleprompter, which then reads "Let it burn" in red, lighting the stage on fire, and puts the lights out for a moment.

Starla gets pushed back by the crowd, almost falling into one of the raging fires in the studio before Blitza catches her by the arm.

"Now let's go find our kids." She said, her eyes narrowed in determination.

The imp woman still had her gun in hand, and her pink top was ripped in half to expose her strapless lingerie bra, as well as her toned hourglass figure. Her dark hair flowed in the wind. An explosion bursts behind her, highlighting her figure, as Starla blushes crimson red.

"Oh sweet mother of Mary, Joseph and Jesus..." She whispered in awe, then she yelped in surprise as Blitza lifts her into her arms and carries her bridal-style to the exit.

***

Lunar looked around the observatory, until he halts at a staircase, seeing a crying Octavia by herself.

He went up to the talk to her, but then he realized she'll probably feel more comfortable talking to him when he's in his demon form, so he reverts back to it. The blue hue makes Octavia turn around.

Lunar smiled and waved. "Hey."

"Hey." Octavia wiped her tears. "How did you find me?"

"Your Sinstagram." He looked at one of the picture on his phone. "Nice pics by the way."

"Oh, thanks." She sniffled.

Lunar bit his lip. Here comes the talking-about-your-feelings bit, and he's not so good at that. "So, uh, er... You okay?"

"Can't believe I was so stupid. I spent all day looking for a place where I could see some dumb meteor shower. *crying* And all I get is... this!" She gestured to the smoggy sky.

"Yeah, smog's a bitch in LA." Lunar agreed. "If you wanted clear skies, I would've advised you to go somewhere less overrun by skyscrapers and shit."

"I only came here 'cause that fucking Grimoire didn't know what I meant by "see the stars"." The girl huffed.

He attempts to light up a cigarette, but the breeze puts out the flame. Octavia snapped her fingers and a flame appeared. Lunar lit the cigarette and takes a smoke, as some of it gets in Octavia's face.

"You know, your mom's really worried about you." He said, sitting down next to Octavia.

"Right! That's why you're here instead of her. She couldn't be bothered to keep her promise, and now she can't be bothered to come and get me herself. She'd rather spend her time just screaming at my dad." Octavia turned to Lunar. "Why does she hate him more than she loves me?"

Lunar understood why Octavia might feel that way. Lunar did not know Starla very well, as he'd never really spent time with her, but Blitza talked about her all the time. Judging by what he'd heard from Blitza, Starla did hate her ex-husband a lot. But the only reason she'd stayed in this loveless marriage was for her daughter's sake, so it simply wasn't true.

"Sometimes... sometimes it's not as simple as that." He explained. "This kind of shit gets messy, and everybody's got issues, especially moms. And sometimes they fuck up— well, all the time. But that doesn't mean they don't care."

"If she cares, where is she?"

He gestured at the city lights below them. "She's somewhere down there."

Octavia's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "She's here?"

"Looking for you." He said, then takes another puff of smoke. "I mean... try to cut your mom some slack."

The boy continues to light up his lighter, and a flame finally appears. This lighter was a gift from Blitza. Despite the argument they had earlier, remembering his mother still made him smile.

"She may not always get it right, but... she's trying." He lifted his head to smile at Octavia. "That's more important than you think."

Octavia looked at him by surprise. Then she noticed the smog clearing up to reveal the full moon. This was the first time she'd ever seen the moon in the human world.

As the moonlight shined down on the 2 demons, Lunar turned off his lighter, and threw away his cigarette. He stood up and did a few stretches.

He offered his hand to her. "You ready to go?"

He expects the girl to lean on his hand as she gets up, but instead she gives him the Grimoire.

"Yeah."

He offers his hand to Octavia once more, and this time, she hugs him. Lunar freezes up. He's not a fan of hugs and kisses and shit, and his instincts tell him to immediately shove Octavia away and snap at her to keep her hands to herself.

Or... that's what he would do if it were anybody else. But he does not feel threatened by Octavia, so he tentatively hugs her back.

***

Once they're outside the Starstruck Studios building, Blitza released Uggie.

"Go find your owners, little fellow." She told him, shooing him away from the burning building before he got hurt. She didn't mind that producer or those other actors getting burned alive, but that pug dog didn't deserve it.

Blitza put Starla down and grabbed Starla's wrist as she led her down the street. "My first guess is that they're hanging out at Hot Topic." She used her phone to google the location of the nearest Hot Topic. "I shop there all the time, and sometimes me and Lunar do it together. And Octavia seems like she gets most of her clothes from there too. So if we can just find—"

A portal appears in front of them, and Lunar and Octavia stepped out, him carefully leading her by the hand.

"Lunar!" Blitza yelped, letting go of the owl-demon's wrist and running toward her adoptive son. "Oh, my sweet baby boy! I'm so sorry!"

Lunar held up his hands defensively and tried to back away. "No, Blitza, no no wait—!"

Blitza tackle-hugged him anyway. Despite how tiny she was compared to him, she did it with enough strength to knock him onto his butt. Kneeling there on the sidewalk, she squeezed her arms around his neck.

"You're my baby and I'll never replace you with fucking anybody! I'm so fucking sorry, I must be like the worst mother in the whole entire universe!" Blitza babbled dramatically.

Lunar didn't hug her back, he just patted her on the back comfortingly. "You're not the worst, you're not the worst..." He muttered begrudgingly.

Starla looked at Octavia, and the younger princess immediately shrank in on herself. "Mum... I'm so sorry."

She braced herself for the sharp scolding she was about to get for stealing the Grimoire and putting herself in danger, but to her shock, Starla just captures her in a tight hug.

"I'm just relieved you're okay!" Her mother said, reverting back to her demon form. "But what would possess you to do such a thing? You know I haven't taught you spells like this yet."

"I just wanted to see the stars you promised." Octavia confessed.

"The stars?" Starla put a hand over her mouth as she remembered. "Azathoth's tears! Oh, no. Oh, my dear sweet Via. I am so—"

She's cut off by Octavia hugging her again. "I know, Mum. It's okay, you're here now."

Starla returned the hug and gave her a kiss on the forehead. Lunar got to his feet and smiled, proud of himself for having helped to bring them back together. Then the 4 demons noticed the fireworks going off in the sky.

"What the fuck is that?" Lunar asked, recording it on his phone.

Blitza crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. "My acting career."

Lunar gave a loving smile at his adoptive mother's quip. As the fireworks take off, Starla and Octavia look up in awe. It may not be the once-in-a-lifetime meteor shower they'd hoped to watch, but this wasn't too bad either.

"Look at that one! Did you see that one?" Octavia said happily.

"Now, where the fuck are M&M?" Blitza wondered.

***

Millie gets a text from Blitza telling her they're opening a portal to take her and Moxxie back to I.M.P Headquarters.

"Let's go, hun." She said.

"Art is heavy!" Moxxie said as he dragged his bag of purchases.

Another music salesman wants to sell his CD's. Moxxie approached to pay him for the demo, but Millie threw a knife and killed the salesman before Moxxie could pay him, then grabbed the demo and threw it into the street.

"March, mister!" She barked like an army general.

Moxxie obeyed, but Millie felt guilty for raising her voice at him, so she makes up for it by scooping him up and carrying him in.

The end

Chapter Text

"Sorry but my flat only has 1 bedroom, so you're gonna have to bunk down here in the basement." Blitza explained as she led him downstairs to a basement.

The basement was small, but it had a bed. At the orphanage, Lunar usually slept on a desk.

"Go ahead and unpack your things." Blitza said, gesturing to the suitcase and backpack Lunar carried with him. "I gotta make a phonecall real quick, then I'll come down to help you."

The 17-year-old hellhound nodded and sat cross-legged on the floor as he started unpacking. The only contents of his suitcase and backpack were clothes, old books, his toothbrush, his furbrush, and one thing that was the most important thing of all to him: a photo album.

Most of its pages were empty and didn't have any pictures in them, but a couple of them contained photos. They were all of Lunar's biological mother.

He smiled as he looked at the bright grin on her face as she held a way younger version of him. "Hey, Mom. I've been adopted again." He said softly. "This imp lady is cool, but I know it's just a matter of time before she returns my ass to the orphanage. *rolls eyes* Guess I'm used to it though.

He closed the photo album and put it into the safety of his backpack. Once the rest of his things were put away, Lunar went upstairs to tell Blitza he was done. Blitza was still talking on the phone.

Then he noticed the overflowing trashbag sitting in the kitchen. This lady hasn’t been too bitchy to me yet, so I might as well make myself useful to her, he figured.

“Hey, want me to take out the trash?”

“Could you?” Blitza asked, covering the mouthpiece of the phone. “That’d be great.”

Lunar slung the bag over his shoulder and got out of the flat, walking down the hallway to the garbage chute. Once he’d dumped it, he came back into Blitza’s flat, but she was no longer in the living room. Lunar figured she went down to the basement so he went there.

But as he stood at the top of the staircase, his jaw dropped open at what he saw. Blitza knelt on the floor next to Lunar’s backpack, and his precious photo album was in her hand, her eyes shining with innocent curiousity.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” His voice echoed through the basement.

Blitza jumped, the album slipping from her fingers and landing back in the backpack. “Oh shit, man, you scared me! *chuckles* I was just—“

“Going through my shit?” He finished for her, quickly stomping down the stairs. “Who the fuck told you you could do that?!”

He snatched the backpack from the imp’s hands and immediately held it out of her reach. Had she done anything to the photos? Those were the only memories he had of his biological mother, he couldn't lose them.

Blitza got to her feet. “I wasn’t trying to snoop, okay? I just thought—“

“You thought what? That you’d go ahead and dig through it like it’s yours?” Lunar loomed over her, his teeth bared into a snarl. “THIS ISN’T YOUR SHIT, BLITZA! YOU DON’T TOUCH IT!”

“Lunar, baby, I’m sorry. Please calm down—“

“DON’T YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!” He screamed, taking some steps closer to Blitza so she was pinned against the concrete wall.

Heat was rising in his chest, and his old instincts were kicking in— the ones that had made him lash out, that had kept people away from him at the orphanage. His hands curled into fists at his sides.

Blitza’s eyes darted to the boy’s hands. Of course Blitza was more than capable of defending herself, but Lunar was a hellhound who was more than twice her size. If he really went full-out on her without holding back, she knew he could hurt her pretty badly.

Should she try to dash past him and go upstairs where her flintlock gun was kept? Or should she throw the 1st punch and hope her right hook will somehow knock him out?

But instead, Blitza tried to defuse the hellhound boy. “Hey, hey, I’m not your enemy. Just breathe, Lunie.”

That nickname— Lunie— hit him like a slap, snapping him out of his haze. He looked down at his hands and realized how tightly he was clenching them. He uncurled his fists and flexed his fingers, stepping back to be out of Blitza’s personal space.

He didn’t have much memories of his real mother, but he remembered her calling him that sometimes. After his mother died and he’d gone to the orphanage, nobody had ever called him that again. Until now.

Blitza stood there, blinking up at him. Lunar zips his backpack shut. “You don’t get it.” He muttered. “Back there, you had to fight to keep what was yours. You don’t let anyone touch your stuff unless you want it gone.”

“I get it. I really do. I’m sorry, Lunar, I just wasn’t thinking.”

He looked down at her, his expression still guarded, but there was a flicker of regret in there. “Just don’t do it again.”

“Yeah, sure.” She agreed. But then she glanced at the backpack and smiled thinly. “But for the record, if that album is just a collection of pictures about you running around naked as a baby or something….. then yeah, I don’t mind pretending I never saw it.”

Lunar snorted before he could stop himself. “You’re a fucking bitch.”

Blitza rolled her eyes. “Yeah, well, welcome to the family, kid.”

***

The day after adopting him, Blitza suggested they go clothes shopping. Lunar’s clothes were all just hand-me-downs passed on to him from other kids who had outgrown them, most of them ripped or stained, so this was one of the 1st times he’d get to wear new clothes fresh from the store.

So now they stood in an aisle full of brightly coloured clothes. Blitza was intently looking around and shifting her way through the rack, but Lunar stood with his arms crossed, looking like he wanted to bolt (which he did).

“How about this?” Blitza asked, showing him a button-down shirt with a pattern of little green and red sailboats on it.

He blinked down at her. “Seriously?”

“Whaaaaaat? It’s fun! And it says ‘I’m approachable’.”

“I don’t want to look approachable.”

Blitza tossed her head back in frustration, putting the shirt back on the clothes rack. “Fine, what do you want then?”

Lunar looked around at the aisles of clothes, his mouth scrunching up and his brows furrowing together. “Not this. This all looks… fake.”

“Fake how?”

“Like it’s stuff people wear when they want to look happy or perfect or… whatever. And that’s not me.”

Blitza studied him for a moment. Then she put her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket and said, “Allright. Where do you want to go?”

Lunar hesitated, his gaze drifting to the imp’s outfit, which was this clothing along with her usual spiky bracelets and her 3 necklaces:

Lunar recognized the vibe. “Hot Topic?” He asked with a slight wince.

Blitza quirked an eyebrow. “Hot Topic?”

“You shop there.”

Blitza smirked as she looked down at her own outfit. “Yeah, sometimes. And Stylish Occult.”

“What’s Stylish Occult?”

“It’s like Hot Topic but even more goth. And they have some animal taxidermy there too, which I feel like buying sometimes but I don’t have much space at my place to prop up taxidermy. So let’s go.”

Blitza pulled her car keys from her purse and swung them around her index finger as she walked toward the exit, waving for Lunar to follow.

At Hot Topic, Lunar’s mood shifted. He didn’t say much, but there was actual excitement in his eyes as he shifted through the clothes racks.

Blitza trailed behind him, smiling when she saw him pick up a shirt with a metal band logo. “See anything you like, kid?”

Lunar shrugged like he didn’t care, but he was already carrying 3 shirts and a pair of studded bracelets.

Blitza giggled. “Told you! You’re just as much a weirdo as I am.”

***

Lunar woke up to a faint bakery-like smell coming from upstairs. He came upstairs, wearing pyjama bottoms and no shirt.

When he came into the living room, his eyes widened as he found streamers, cheap and colourful, hanging from the walls.

“There’s the birthday boy!” Blitza cheered from where she was at the kitchen counter.

“The fuck are you doing?” He demanded.

Blitza didn’t mind his rudeness. She just flipped her dark hair over her shoulder and brought over a chocolate cake with uneven frosting and ‘18’ blazing candles on it.

“It’s your birthday, dummy! Thought we could have a little celebration.”

“You baked a cake?”

“Yeah.” She motioned for Lunar to sit down at a table, then put the cake down on the table. “I’m not usually into birthdays— What’s the big deal? All you’re doing is aging up a year— so don’t expect big celebrations on every birthday. The only reason I’m throwing a tiny party for this one is ‘cuz this is our 1st birthday together.”

Lunar stared at the cake like it was an alien artifact. Birthdays at the orphanage were barely acknowledged, maybe a “congratulations” from the staff if they remembered. But streamers and candles? A homemade cake? That was the stuff of fairytales.

“Come on, kid. Blow out the candles and make a wish.”

“I… don’t know what to wish for.” He admitted, his ears drooping a bit.

“Who gives a fuck? Just do it for fun!”

He hesitated a minute more, looking between her and the cake. Then he leaned down and blew out the twin flames. He wouldn’t admit it in a billion years, but he’d wished that he could stay with Blitza, that she wouldn’t get rid of him like every other adoptive family had.

They’ve been together more than 2 weeks without any troubles so Lunar dares to hope that maybe, just maybe, Blitza might not be thinking about getting rid of him.

The imp applauded. “See? Not so bad, right?”

Lunar smiled, something like gratitude building up in him. “Thanks.”

Blitza smiled back, then grabbed a fork. “Now let’s see if this cake of mine is actually edible.”

They ate the cake for a while, then Blitza got up from the table.

“One more thing.” She went back into the kitchen and emerged with a box about the size of her own palm, wrapped in dark green wrapping paper. “Try not to cry from how thoughtful I am.”

Lunar took it with a cautious glance. “What’s this?”

“Open it and find out. Duh.”

He unwrapped it and took off the lid to stare at its contents— a cigarette lighter, sleek and black, with a shiny sticker of a logo he recognized: I.M.P. The name of Blitza’s small company she was trying to start.

Lunar snorted, holding it up to the light. “Is this what success looks like? A sticker on a lighter?”

“It’s called branding, asshole. My company hasn’t exactly hit the big leagues yet. Gotta start somewhere.”

“Sure, sure.” He flicked the lighter, watching the flame spark to life before snapping it shut again. “Real classy gift for your kid, by the way. I bet this is what all moms hand out at birthday parties.”

Blitza shrugged, leaning against the counter. “Well, we’re a pair of weirdos, aren’t we? Obviously I don’t encourage you to smoke like, too much, but I figured smoking once in a while won’t do much harm. Just don’t go setting anything on fire… unless it’s something that deserves it.” She winked.

Lunar rolled his eyes at her silly joke, but he couldn’t help the smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Thanks.” He said, stuffing the lighter into his pocket like it was something precious.

“Happy birthday, kiddo.”

The end

Chapter Text

🎶We'll kill your husband or your wife, we'll even let you keep the knife, we're the Immediate Murder Professionals🎶

🎶We do our job so well, because we come straight up from Hell!🎶

Crimson blew smoke from his cigar as he watched the jingle on his phone. This company was made of only 3 demons: a tall woman, a shorter but huskier girl, and one particular boy who Crimson had been trying to track down for years but to no avail... until now.

"Moxxie, Moxxie, Moxxie." The mafia boss smiled. "What have you gotten yourself into, my boy?"

***

"You know, I checked the scale today." Moxxie began. "And it said I lost two pounds this week."

Lunar looks up, gives the other boy an unimpressed look, then goes back to his phone.

Moxxie slams his hands on the table" "I. Am not. Fat!"

The door is kicked open by a furious Millie as she stomps around the office, mumbling angrily. "Ooh! Such a fucking asshole! That little motherfucker. I just wanna take my finger up and shove it up his fuckin' little thing!"

Millie slams her coffee cup on the table, disturbing Lunar. She passes Lunar and hits a button titled "Nut button!!" that summons a cardboard cutout of a human saying, "Hi! I'm a Hooman!" then throws a knife and lunges at said cutout.

Moxxie looks at her, disturbed. "Millie, honey. Is everything okay?"

Millie hisses at him in response, disturbing him even more, but she manages to calm down.

"Yeah. Just...bumped into an ex. An ex I only dated for a few weeks before finding out he was cheating on me."

"Oh! Oh..."

Millie retracts her knife. "He kept going on about how he has money now, "a bright future," and "a bigger cock", and how he "wouldn't make the mistake of cheating a 2nd time"."

"Wait, what?"

"Every time I see his stupid face, I can't help it! I just need to—" She punches the filing cabinet beside her in frustration.

Blitza enters the room with her phone against her ear. "What the fuck is all this noise? I got a client!"

"Sorry, ma'am. I'll get this all cleaned—" Moxxie starts to gather the scattered files, but he finds a photo of 2 imps making out in horse suits. "What is this?"

"Uh, research! For science!" Blitza says, her face reddening in embarrassment. "Just put it back correctly, okay? I alphabetized them."

She goes back to her office to keep talking to the client. "Okay, so let me get this straight: you don't want us going to Earth at all for this job?"

"Correct. That will not be necessary. I'd like to meet you and your whole crew at my estate." The client explains.

Why does his voice sound kinda like Moxxie's? Blitza wondered suspiciously. But... maybe that's just my imagination.

"Uh, you want us killing someone in Hell? 'Cuz I gotta tell ya, that ain't exactly what we do anymore."

"I'll tell ya all about it when you get here. *smokes cigar* It's regarding a business venture I'm sure will be very worth your time."

"Ooh, how ominous." Blitza says sarcastically with a light chuckle. "Fine, whatever, what's the address?"

"Transportation has already been taken care of." The client tells her.

Blitza peeks through the office blinds and notices a helicopter in front of her building. She runs to the office Moxxie and Millie are in to find the helicopter before the main window. "What the fuck is that?"

The helicopter shoots a grappling hook under the window, breaking the wall. Lunar looks on without a word.

"Satan's ass crack! Enough with the wall shit, we have a door!" The boss screams.

With the damaged walls, a wind gusts through the office and distributes all of Blitza's photos across the town.

"My research!" She cries helplessly as 2 imp kids look at the free porn they were just handed. The girl starts crying, while the boy vomits.

The helicopter approaches Blitza, creating a bridge for them to walk upon, and the pilot steps out. "I.M.P? Right this way, please!"

Moxxie points a gun toward the pilot, while Millie holds her knife out. "Uh, ma'am? What's going on?"

"Now, don't worry! It's just some fancy shmuck from Greed wanting to do business with us." The boss explains.

"Uh, ma'am? I don't think this is a good idea."

"It'll be fine. Now get your asses moving."

Blitza pushes Moxxie and Millie into the helicopter, and as she tries to buckle herself in, Millie notices her seatbelt is broken.

"Is this thing safe?" The girl worries.

"Don't worry, we are professionals!" The pilot promises.

The helicopter flies over Looloo Land, which is going under reconstruction, along with other carnage as they fly over a sign reading, "Welcome to Notamafia Town: No mafia here! We're Mafia-free!"

Moxxie groaned in irritation. "I hate this place."

"Oh, yeah. This is your old stomping ground, isn't it, Mox?" Blitza said, remembering how Moxxie had told her he was from Greed, which is why he's all nerdy and good with mathematics.

"Yeah, unfortunately. I grew up just over there *points through glass*, swore I'd never come back, and— uh uh— what— what, where are we going?"

Moxxie noticed the direction the helicopter was flying in. He'd seen this area, these streets before. He used to walk through them a million times when he was growing up.

"What— Blitza, who did you say this meeting was with?"

"I'm not sure, just some rich somebody or other who wants to do biz at his place." Blitza told him.

The helicopter lands, and Moxxie grows heavily worried after realizing where he's landed. "Oh, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!"

They were in front of a huge mansion, dark smoke fuming through both chimneys. Moxxie shivered in fear as he realized he's back at his childhood home.

An older imp man steps out of the mansion and grins as he spreads his arms wide. "There he is! There's my boy! Get over here and give your daddy a hug!"

""Daddy"?" Blitza and Millie asked.

"I only let Moxxie call me that. Unless you pay me!" He laughed.

Moxxie bit his lip worriedly. "Guys, um, *clears throat nervously* this is my father, Crimson. Sir, this is my boss, Blitza. And my—"

"—Millie! I'm his wife!" She holds out her hand to greet Crimson as he accepts.

"And what a beautiful wife you are." Crimson kisses Millie's hand. "Mox, where have you been hiding this pretty little thang?"

"Oh, I'm sure he would've introduced us... eventually." Millie said, narrowing her eyes at her husband.

"Oh, I'm sure. You got to be Blitz, with the silent A, right? I've heard a lot of good things about you and your work." He smiled and put his arm around Blitza's shoulders.

"Really? What kind of shit has Moxxie been spreading about me?" Blitza demanded. "I'll fucking kill you Moxxie, don't you fucking test me!"

"No, no! From all over." Crimson corrected. "Looks like you're building a bit of a name for yourself here, kid."

"Really? Well, I guess it's about time folks recognized my talent." Blitza bragged.

Crimson laughs. "I like your attitude. You certainly are a confident, powerful businesswoman, I can tell. I bet a lot of young girls look up to you."

Blitza blushed and her tail involuntarily curled into a heart shape at Crimson's praise. His praise, and the way he was staring at her intently with his arm still tightly wrapped around her.

"Well, I hope you're all hungry. We put together a fabulous dinner for you." He said as he led Blitza into the house.

"Hey, baby. Why haven't I met your Pa before?" Millie asked. "Did you think he'd disapprove of me if he met me? Because I don't mind. I mean, my parents and my siblings don't really approve of you but you tolerate it. I can do the same."

"Well uh, y'know, i-it's just, never been a—"

"Hey, you two! Move it before it gets cold." The mafia boss called.

"Look, look, Millie, we can talk about it later." Moxxie said.

Millie takes Moxxie's hand and both enter the house. Crimson's smile faded then he snapped his fingers and entered the house. The two men standing at the door followed him inside, closing the door behind them.

Inside, Crimson prepares a drink for Blitza. "So, Blitza, ya always been a hitman?"

"No, no, not always. Yeah, I was in the circus for a long time." She explained as she took the drink from him.

Crimson makes finger guns at her. "Show business! Good money in that." He said as he sat down.

Blitza went to sip her drink, but she noticed the ice wasn't floating. It reminded her of something she'd learned when she was younger: if the ice doesn't float, it's been drugged. Was this man trying to fucking drug her? She got a nervous look on her face as she pretended to sip the drink.

Everyone sits in an awkward silence. Millie was still endlessly wondering why Moxxie didn't feel comfortable introducing his father to her.

"What are we doing here... sir?" Moxxie asked.

Crimson rolled his eyes. "Moxxie, I raised you better than that. *lights cigar* Ya know there's no business before dinner. Besides, we're still waitin' on one more."

Suddenly, a loan shark kicks his way into the house, making an entrance. "Woo-hoo-hoo, what is up, party people?!"

"Chaz?!" M&M both say. Then they turn to each other in shock. "Wait, what?"

"You know him?" Moxxie asked.

Millie groaned and smacked her forehead. "You remember that "ex" I was talking about?"

Chaz walks over and hugs Moxxie and Millie. "Looks like I got 2 big sex reunions today! How lucky am I?"

Millie's eyes widened. "Wait! Did you date him too?!"

Chaz shrugged carelessly. "Hah, yeah. No big deal, but I usually bone half the people in any room I'm in—"

BANG! Blitza slammed her cup onto the coffee table, almost shattering it. "Are you fucking kidding me?! There's someone who's fucked both of you?!"

Never thought I'd find myself being jealous of a goofy loan shark like this dude. She thought furiously.

Moxxie pushed Chaz's arms off himself and Millie. "It was a long time ago."

"But, I still remember it like it was yesterday." Chaz said. "You, a fledgling mafioso! Me, the dashing and extremely sexy muscle! It was like it was written in the stars."

Blitza cackled. "Hah! Moxxie in the mafia, that's fucking rich."

"Uh, Blitza? Look around." Millie told her, gesturing to the room.

Blitza then notices all of the items in the room to back up Chaz's claim: A photo of Crimson and a mob boss, the many trophies of hellbeasts hanging on the wall, and a framed family painting of Crimson, a younger Moxxie, and Moxxie's mother, as if posing like a mob family, hanging over the fireplace. Blitza hears a knock on the door and looks just in time for Crimson's goons to enter carrying a body bag.

"Oh... shit." The imp woman said.

"You've never told me this before." Millie said to Moxxie in concern.

"I-I don't really like to talk about this part of my life. But..." He took a deep breath and began his story in a dramatic voice: "I first saw Chaz at my induction."

Flashback to Moxxie's time in the mob. Moxxie gets a handshake and a kiss from Crimson, welcoming him into the business. Moxxie looks around the room and stops upon seeing Chaz grinning and applauding at him. Moxxie blushes at the attention Chaz gives him.

"—in the family. Our eyes met from across the room. And there was just something about him. Something that was magnetic!

"It's been 84 years..." Moxxie said in his fake Italian accent.

"Isn't that from that boat movie?" Blitza asked.

"Did any of that stuff actually happen?" Millie asked skeptically.

"Oh, yeah!" Chaz licked his lips hungrily. "But he skipped over the jizz-covered parts."

"Anyway, things changed when we went on a heist together." Moxxie went on, feeling a pang of sadness as he remembered that faithful moment when Chaz had stabbed him right in the back.

***

[Flashback]

Moxxie, carrying a bag of money, is running with Chaz to the exit as the security gate begins to drop. Moxxie throws the money out of the bank and catches the gate with his shoulders to give Chaz time to slide under. Moxxie tries to escape but his leg and tail are caught under the gate when it drops to the floor.

After struggling to get out he turns to Chaz for help. Chaz hears the police sirens and gunshots, getting scared. He grabs the money without helping his boyfriend.

"Chaz..."

"Moxxie... Moxxie, I'm so, so sorry." The loan shark said before running off.

Moxxie is devastated and in tears. Soon he's thrown inside a jail cell. He sadly climbs into the bottom bunk of the bed.

"So, what're you in for?" His cellmate asked from the top bunk.

Moxxie pulls his tail closer to him. He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

"Okay, not much of a talker, are you?" The cellmate concluded.

The other demon hopped down. She was an imp just like him, she had a burn scar covering half her face, a tattoo on her forehead, and her black hair was half-shaved. But she was a woman.

Moxxie sat up and raised an eyebrow in confusion, wondering why a woman was put in the same cell as him.

"Yeah, I know what you're thinking: Why the fuck did they let a guy and a girl be cellmates? It's a shocker. But the women's prison was full, so they were like "okay, Blitza, ya think you can handle being put in the men's prison for a little while?" And obviously I don't wanna look like a pussy so I was like "yeah, bitch, throw me into the men's prison and I'll frickin' run the place!"."

Moxxie just stared at her. The female imp shook his hand.

"I'm Blitza, the A is silent. I'm sure we're gonna get along just fine. So what's your deal? What'd you do? Who'd you diddle? You look like someone good with a gun. You look like someone who could shoot up an office—"

Moxxie tried to speak, but Blitza was still talking.

"—and I hope you are 'cuz I got a plan to get us out of this dump but I'm gonna need some help, you think you can give me a hand? I have to get out to my son. The babysitter will kill me if I don't get back soon. Do you like kids? 'Cause lemme tell 'ya. They're a-fucking-dorable."

Moxxie smiled tearfully as Blitza kept chattering. Despite his heart being broken from Chaz's betrayal, he could sense this was a new beginning for him.

***

"Once I got out, I never looked back." Moxxie finished his story.

Blitza sits worriedly as Millie glares and growls viciously toward a nervous-looking Chaz. Crimson frowns in his chair.

Chaz scratched the back of his head. "Well, heh, as you said, it was a long time ago....."

Millie was foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!"

She leapt onto the top of the couch, missing Chaz as her knife pierces through the fabric. Chaz hid behind Crimson's chair.

"Whoa, the fuck- Crazy bitch!" He said.

Millie tries to lunge at Chaz again but is intercepted by Moxxie and Blitza. Crimson stands in between I.M.P and Chaz as Millie slashes her knife in the air.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hold on!" Crimson tried to calm her down.

"You're gonna die, bitch!" Millie growled.

The maid entered the room. "Dinner is served." She said in a French accent.

***

Everyone is seated in the dining room. Millie viciously cuts through her food and glares at Chaz, but the room is completely silent.

"So, this is aggressively uncomfortable." Blitza commented.

"I suppose you want to know why you're here." Crimson told them.

"Yeah, so what gives?" Blitza said. "You know we kill people on Earth, right? We don't usually do contracts for locals. So, if you want to do business with us, you got to—"

"I don't want to do business with I.M.P., I want to do business with Moxxie."

Moxxie stops cutting his food. "Me?!"

"Yeah, kid. I only summoned I.M.P to be sure you'd show. Because, well, we're bringing Chaz into the family."

Chaz smirks while raising his eyebrows.

"What? Since when can just anyone join the family?" Moxxie demanded.

"Come on, Mox. You had responsibilities here that I had to pick up once you left." Crimson said bitterly. "Now Chaz is going to lighten the load."

"Wait, I thought you always hated his guts." Moxxie argued.

Crimson glanced at Chaz. "Well, I didn't exactly 'hated' him."

"You called him a "friendless horse-fucker" and said he lived a "sissy lifestyle"."

Crimson shrugged. "Yeah, well, I was wrong. You've been gone a long time, Mox. A man can change. And so has Chaz."

"Yeah!" The loan shark said. "I've grown, matured, and, recently, came into millions! *shifty eyes* But, y'know, mostly the "mature" thing."

Blitza held up her hands. "Oh, okay, okay. So the "horseless friend-fucker" over here gets a little moolah and suddenly, it's worth wasting our time over?"

"Well, I'm the whole "package" if you know what I mean." Chaz said.

I.M.P is speechless.

"I got a big dick." He bragged.

"But what does any of this have to do with Moxxie?" Millie demanded angrily.

Crimson sets down utensils. "There's going to be a ceremony tomorrow. Moxxie here is going to officially release his holdings in the organization. Then you can get back to ignoring your family to your heart's content."

Millie stood up. "Maybe he wouldn't "ignore his family" if they didn't force him to rub elbows with a no-good, shark-toothed fuckface!"

Chaz grins at Millie. Millie points a knife at his neck threateningly.

"Ey, look." Crimson said boredly. "Everybody, relax. I know tensions have been high tonight. Say, why don't you stay here and get some rest? We'll have the ceremony tomorrow and then you will be free to leave. I have your rooms all prepared."

Millie was about to argue, but Moxxie gently grabbed her wrist to shut her up. "Yes, sir." He said obediently.

Millie stared at her husband in concern. She could sense his nervousness. "Mox?"

I.M.P and Chaz begin to leave the room.

"A moment, Moxxie." Crimson called.

"Just give me a minute, Millie. I'll be there." The boy said.

Millie looks on with worry as Moxxie steps back inside the dining room. Chaz tries to lean into Millie but jumps back when Millie growls and tries to bite him. Alessio closes the door behind them as they leave, leaving Moxxie alone with Crimson.

"So... you think you're too good for this family now?" The mafia boss asked.

"What?"

"C'mere."

Moxxie approached his father. "I- I don't understand—"

Crimson stands up and backhands Moxxie, knocking him down.

"You think you're gonna just get to walk away from this family and never come back?! You're dead wrong, Mox!" He growled as he dragged Moxxie back to his feet. "Matter of fact, the only thing you're right about is that that obnoxious piss-stain can't get made! Not unless he marries in!"

""Marries?" But, but who would marry—?"

"Who do you think?" Crimson lets go of his son and sits back down. "This family needs that money and it's about time your pathetic ass was useful for something!"

Moxxie was horrified. "Sir, I'm already married. I- I can't—"

"You think I give a shit about your stupid beard?"

"Beard? But she's not my—"

"C'mon Mox, I even went through the trouble of makin' the house more to... your kind's liking."

Crimson presses a button on the table and bouncing dildos appear all over the place. A party ball hanging from the ceiling opens, pouring out penis-shaped confetti, revealing a banner that says "CONGRATS, GAY" and a trumpet fanfare.

"Wait, what? What do you think I'm into?" The younger man asked.

"What? This is the kind of shit gays like, right?"

"Okay first off, Dad— I'm bisexual."

Crimson shrugged. "Yeah. Gay."

As is the life of a bisexual guy. If Moxxie had a dollar for every time he'd heard the words, It's okay, baby, there's nothing wrong with being gay. You can just tell us you like boys~, he would be rich enough to install a show of dildos in his own apartment.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Moxxie blocked a dildo from hitting his face. "Secondly, I don't know a single person of any sexuality who'd enjoy this."

"Hah! There's dicks on the walls! Oh, that's fucking hilarious!" Screamed the horny pansexual in the hallway. "Oh my go—wait wait wait, let me get a picture! I gotta take a picture!"

Moxxie scowled at how annoyingly horny his boss is. But then his father grabbed his face. "Look at me, kid. One way or another, you're gonna do what I fucking say. Don't cross me."

***

[Flashback]

Moxxie struggled to cut his steak. His mother gently takes the plate and cuts the steak for him. She smiles sweetly at Moxxie and he smiles back at her. Moxxie takes the plate and begins eating his dinner.

Crimson glares at his wife, not liking the way she coddles their son. He went to nudge her foot, but she pulled her own foot away, so he just stomped in irritation.

At a small carnival, Moxxie shoots 3 bullseyes in the shooting range. His mother ruffles his hair proudly. Suddenly a goon grabs Moxxie and leads him to another shooting range.

Two goons prep a live target as Crimson hands Moxxie a real gun and point to it. Moxxie slowly takes aim but his mother takes the gun away and pushes it into Crimson's hands before grabbing her son and leaving. Crimson glares at the disrespect.

Moxxie hides underneath the bed as his parents argue. Crimson gets so mad that he slaps his wife, then she leaves the room and slams the door as she goes to packs her things.

Later, only Crimson and Moxxie are at the dinner table. Moxxie struggles to cut his steak and looks at his father, who just glares at how weak his son is. Crimson takes a drag from his cigar and blows the smoke in Moxxie's face.

Later on, Crimson and Moxxie take a boat ride on the lake with a passenger. Crimson places a cinderblock that the passenger's tail is tied to on the side of the boat over the edge and gestures for Moxxie to push it. Moxxie looks at the cinderblock, then the pleading passenger, and backs away only for Crimson to push him back into the cinderblock.

Teary-eyed, Moxxie takes one last look at the passenger while pushing the cinderblock overboard, sending the victim into the lake with it. Moxxie watches as the air bubbles fade. Crimson preps another body over the side of the boat.

"Let this be a lesson, Moxxie." The mafia boss said. He gestured to the lake, filled with hats, bags, shoes, and light articles that belonged to previous victims thrown into the water. "This is what happens when you cross me."

Moxxie's mother's high heel floats to the surface. Moxxie's eyes fill with tears again as he realizes what happened to her.

[A/N: Moxxie didn't kill her. It's just that Crimson tracked her down and killed her as punishment for leaving him]

***

"Now get to bed, Moxxie. You have a big day tomorrow." Crimson instructed, then he let go of Moxxie's face.

"Yes, sir." Moxxie said.

"Oh, and Mox? If you ever talk back to me again, you and those pretty little thangs you brought here... are goin' home in boxes. Capiche?" The older man warned.

"Yes, sir."

Moxxie quickly finds the doorknob and steps out of the room, leaving Crimson alone in the dining room still covered with bouncing dildos and the banner. Moxxie walks up the stairs, shaken.

Millie was waiting for him to come into her bedroom, but she was surprised to see Alessio leading Moxxie into a different room. "Wait? How come we aren't in—"

"Crimson wants you all to stay in separate rooms." Alessio said curtly.

"Why? Moxxie?" Millie came over and grabbed Moxxie's hands.

"It's just one night, Millie." Moxxie forced a weak smile onto his face. "It's okay."

"Mox, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, please don't worry, sweetie."

"You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Moxxie lowered his eyes to the floor. He couldn't look at Millie, not when he was keeping secrets from her like this. "Yes. Everything's fine."

She put her hand under his jaw, gently prompting him to make eye contact with her. "We're partners, Mox." She said softly.

[A/N: Stopppp this ep was all about how much Moxxie loves Millie. Both of them are such relationship goals 😭]

Moxxie removed his wife's hand. "It's just my dad. It's okay, really." He pressed a kiss to her fingers. "It'll be over tomorrow."

"Okay. I love you." She bent down and softly kissed Moxxie.

"I love you too. Goodnight."

Moxxie opened his bedroom to see the walls are just covered in framed pictures of Chaz.

"What the— Fucking why?!" He cried, smacking his forehead.

He snarls, walks into the bathroom, and washes his face with cold water. He glumly leaves the bathroom and goes to turn off the lights. When he hits the switch Chaz pops up on a heart-shaped bed.

"Like what I've done with the place?" The other boy asked.

"Ugh. Just get out of here!" Moxxie commanded.

Chaz tried and failed to seduce Moxxie with a song he wrote called "Chaz Time". Moxxie kicked him out and slammed the door on him.

In Millie's room, she is anxiously paced back and forth. A knock made her sprint to the door, hoping it was her husband finally coming to open up to her. But it was just Chaz.

"What do you want?" She snapped.

Chaz starts to sing his "Chaz Time" song. But Millie immediately put a pocketknife to his throat.

"Dammit, this usually works." Chaz said, annoyed.

Millie drops Chaz to the floor and slams the door on him. Chaz goes to his own room and lays down and waits for a few minutes.

[A/N: idk what Chaz would be doing as he waits for Crimson to be done with Blitza. So I guess he just lays down and waits for like 20 mins 🤷‍♀️]

***

Crimson went upstairs. He was super annoyed with Moxxie for trying to just turn his back on the Knolastname family, and as for that Millie girl, he couldn't be bothered to even give a single shit about her. She's nothing but a hick who doesn't belong in the city.

But that other woman, Blitza..... she was something else. Crimson wanted to learn a little more about her.

He knocked on the door of Blitza's room and she opened. "Heya, Mr. Mafia Boss, sir! Is there something you want?"

"Yeah, could I come in and talk to ya?"

"Of course."

Blitza let him come in and locked the door. She went and sat down on the bed, and Crimson came to stand in front of her.

"So, Blitza... you started this assassination company all on your own, huh?"

She nodded with a proud grin.

"I gotta tell ya, that is impressive." The man smiled as he put his hand on Blitza's shoulder. "Imps like us don't get many of those opportunities. How in the world did you do it?"

"Oh-ho, it wasn't easy! As you already know, I started by doing hits here in Hell, but then I realized I had the chance to be one-of-a-kind if I did them up on earth. So I made a deal with a Goetia princess to lend me her Grimoire so I can go to earth."

"You've partnered up with Goetias, huh?" The hand on Blitza's shoulder inched closer to her chin.

Blitza smiled. "I'm also super impressed by what you've done, Crimson. Being the boss of a mafia of loan sharks? Usually it would be the other way around, a loan shark leading a mafia of imps."

Crimson chuckled. "Most of the sharks in my mafia are numbskulls too dumb to do anything except just fight. They wouldn't last a day leading a mafia on their own."

"Aren't you literally my kindred spirit."

As he spoke, he kept inching his fingers closer and closer to Blitza's mouth, until he was stroking her lips. She didn't make any move to stop him.

Eventually, he pushed his middle finger right into her mouth. Blitza parted her lips wider to allow him access.

"Wider." Crimson ordered. "Wider."

Blitza obeyed and started sucking on his finger. He soon pushed his index and ring fingers into her mouth too, and she sucked on all 3 of them, gently shutting her eyes in bliss.

Once Blitza's saliva was dripping onto her lap, Crimson removed his fingers and smashed his lips into Blitza's. They made out for a while with Crimson bending over and putting his hands on Blitza to hold her still.

Then Crimson broke off their kiss, and he instead flipped Blitza over so she was on her hands and knees on the bed. She didn't bother asking him to get a condom because she knew he was probably too old to get her pregnant anyways.

"You ready?" He asked.

"Of course." The woman smiled.

Crimson pulled down Blitza's panties and flipped her skirt up. As they went at it, Blitza leaned her head down onto the bedsheets.

Me and him actually are alike in a lot of ways, She thought. We're both breaking the stereotypes of what imps are supposed to be capable of. It's good to see I'm not the ONLY imp who refuses to be forced into a mold.

When Crimson had finished, he simply zipped up his pants and left without saying a single word. Blitza sighed and pulled herself back together before going to bed.

But she only got a few precious moments of sleep before another knock sounded on her door.

***

Chaz heard Crimson coming out of Blitza's room, so he waited for Crimson to go away, and then he came out and knocked on Blitza's door. Moxxie and Millie had rejected him, but he was not going to bed until he'd fucked somebody.

"Hey there, gorgeous~"

Blitza smiled and leaned her hip against the doorframe. "Oh, I was wondering how long it would take you to make a pass~"

"Mmm, does that mean you're down to clown?"

"Ew, what the— you think I would violate my friends' trust by sleeping with their ex, especially one who fucked them over the way you did to poor Moxxie?!" Blitza turned her back on Chaz.

He'd already anticipated this, so fortunately he had a Plan B:

"I'll show you all of the things they liked in the sack~"

Blitza turned back around, eyes wide. "Oh my gosh! Deal!"

She grabbed Chaz by the collar of his jacket and pulled him into her room, locking the door.

In his own room, Moxxie lays awake in bed as he listens to his ex-boyfriend fuck his boss.

(His father had also fucked his boss, but they had been a lot more quiet so Moxxie didn't really notice.)

"Augh... chill the fuck out!" Blitza groaned in pain.

"Who-ho-ho! That's what my dick does to a bitch!" Chaz bragged.

Moxxie turns onto his stomach and pulls out his phone. He goes on to his social media and looks at pictures of himself and Millie: them on a date; them in bed; them at the theatre holding up Phantom of the Opera programs, Moxxie has tears in his eyes indicating how much he loved the performance.

Then him and Millie at their wedding. This photo had been taken by Blitza, who had been one of the bridesmaids (Sallie May was the other bridesmaid).

Moxxie starts to cry again. He stares at the picture for about 10 minutes, remembering how his wedding was the happiest day of his entire life. Millie is the best thing that's ever happened to him.

He imagines how heartbroken she'll be if she finds out he's agreed to leave her for somebody else. He can't let that happen. If that means standing up to his father for the first time ever, that's what he'll do.

***

Even in sleep, Chaz still talks about his "big dick".

Chaz rolled over and pulled the covers off a very pissed off looking Blitza.

Getting fucked by Crimson was a billion times better than this because at least Crimson was somewhat gentle. Chaz wasn't lying about his thing being big. It was pretty big. But the thing is..... he was so rough with Blitza that she couldn't enjoy the sex at all, and right now she was super sore thanks to him.

"Okay, fucker, nobody who's that bad in bed can score 2 hotties that easily." Blitza grunted as she got out of bed and put on her bra and panties, then put on Chaz's jacket over it. "I know you gotta be hiding something..."

She checks Chaz's suit (which isn't actually his, it's rented from Mammon) until she smiles when she finds his car keys. She sneaks outside the mansion even though she's so sore her walking is more like limping, and clicks the car keys until she locates Chaz's car.

She looks in the dashboard and finds an eviction notice, showing that Chaz is broke and has lied to Crimson about his millions. Blitza then looks in the trunk and finds a to-do list about his plans for Moxxie.

"Oh, fuck that! No-one fucks with M&M's marriage but me!"

She would have sprinted into the mansion and shown the to-do list to Crimson right then and there, but unfortunately for her, Chaz woke up when he heard her sneaking out and he followed her. The loan shark stabbed a tranquilizer into the imp's arm and pushed her to fall into his trunk.

"Sorry, gorgeous!" Chaz sang. "You're not the only junk in my trunk!"

Then he realized that one-liner didn't even make sense.

"Dammit! That was not a good one!"

***

Alessio filled Crimson's mug with coffee. Chaz went to sit in Moxxie's chair, but Crimson gestured him to sit at the other side of the table. Apparently the 1 nice thing he does for his son is not letting anyone else sit in his chair.

"Hey, hey! The man of the hour. You ready to get started?" Crimson cheered when he saw Moxxie.

"Wait, where's Blitza?" Millie asked.

"I think I saw her head outside. She said something about *trying and failing to mimic Blitza's voice* needing some fresh air. Or something. Pfft." Chaz lied.

"Why don't you grab her so we can get moving?" Crimson said to Millie.

"Be right back, baby." Millie pecked Moxxie on the cheek and left.

"What ya looking so glum for, kid? It's your wedding day, the best day of ya life." Crimson tried to hype him up.

Moxxie looked at the boy he was set to marry. When he noticed Moxxie was looking, Chaz flashed a toothy grin. Moxxie was not impressed.

He was scared, but when he closed his eyes and imagined Millie's hurt expression as she watched him marry someone else, he got confidence.

"I'm not doing it."

"What was that?" Crimson asked. "I couldn't make it out over the sound of you being a whiny bitch."

Moxxie slammed the table with both hands. "I said I'm not doing it, sir! I've spent my whole life being afraid of you, but I'm not giving up the only good thing I've ever had just so you can keep your fragile little sense of control over everything. Millie is a good woman, a better woman than I deserve, and there's nothing that scares me more than hurting her."

While Moxxie is standing up to his father, Crimson silently signals Alessio to shut Moxxie up.

"Not even you. I'm leaving, Dad! And if you or Herpes the Clown over here—"

"Hey!" Chaz complained.

"—Try to stop me, you'll learn firsthand just how good I've gotten at my job."

Unfortunately, he was so busy giving his speech about how much he loves Millie that he didn't notice Alessio sneaking up behind him. He tazes Moxxie in the neck. Moxxie hits his head on the table and falls to the floor.

"Now take care of the girls." Crimson ordered.

***

Millie searched the parking lot. She heard a bang coming from Chaz's trunk and opens it with her pocketknife to see Blitza laying there in nothing but her underwear and Chaz's jacket.

"Oh, Millie, you found me." Blitza said groggily. "Who's your friend?"

"Friend?"

She senses 2 goons attempting to grab her. She stabs one with her knife and beheads the other using the trunk door, much to Blitza's surprise.

In the back garden, a makeshift wedding is set up. Crim has Moxxie in a wedding dress with his hands bound behind his back with rope and his mouth gagged with duct tape.

"Is everyone here?" Asked the unholy priest.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. Let's get this thing rolling, ey?" Crimson rushed him.

"Awww, you told me all the chairs would be filled!" Chaz complained.

Crimson sighs and presses a button which causes dildos with smiley faces in tuxedos to pop out of all of the seats, including the 2 that has goons sitting on them.

"Satisfied?" The older man asked.

Chaz grinned. "Oh, fuck yes!"

In the parking lot, Millie pulls Blitza out of the trunk, holding her up to support her. "What's goin' on?"

"That seductive dickhole is trying to marry Moxxie, and he's not even rich!" Blitza explained.

"Moxxie!" Millie cried, dropping Blitza as she runs to the front door. Suddenly metal shutters block off all doors.

"Everything's locked down! How're we gonna get in?!" Millie fretted.

Blitza feels around the jacket until she finds Chaz's car keys. She grabs Millie and pulls her to his car. Blitza turns the car and its radio on, which begins to immediately play the Looloo Land theme song on the Mammon Channel™. She changes the channel until she finds the perfect background music for the fight scene she and Millie were about to indulge in.

"Buckle up, Millie... we're doing a Shrek!"

At the wedding, the unholy priest reads the wedding vows "Do you, Chazwick Thurman, take Moxxie Knolastname to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Chaz grinned down at Moxxie. "Oh, yeah."

"And do you, Moxxie... whatever, take Chazwick Thurman to be your lawfully wedded— Uh..."

"Millie! Millie!" Moxxie screamed behind the duct tape.

Moxxie tried to pull away but Crimson pulled him back.

"Look at that! He's just so fucking happy to be here!" Crimson said as he forcibly nodded Moxxie's head.

"Okay... then I now pronounce you two married! You may kiss the groom." The unholy priest declared.

Chaz chuckled evilly as he leaned down to kiss Moxxie. But before he can, Blitza crashes the car through the wall to the wedding scene.

"I OBJECT!" She announced before falling flat on her face, like she does whenever she gets out of a car.

Millie did a far more graceful exit from Chaz's car. "You want my husband? You're going to have to fucking kill me!" She said lowly, flipping her dark hair back.

Crimson groaned and sicced his goons on the girls. Sure, he liked Blitza a little bit, but he had already decided that if she was gonna interfere with his plans then he had no problemo getting rid of her. Millie gritted her teeth, getting ready for the fight, while Blitza also stumbled to her feet and got herself ready.

Millie rips the skin off one shark.

Blitza reaches into a shark’s gills and rips out his skull and spinal column, then uses his spinal column to strangle a different shark.

Millie uses a knife to split a shark in half, then she grabs the gun from a female shark and uses it to shoot others, then makes the female shark shoot herself.

They both jump on a pair of sharks and come out with still-beating hearts in their mouths.

Millie and Blitza stand back-to-back as 4 loan sharks surround them, fighting them off with their knives.

"Millie! Blitza!" Moxxie mumbled behind the duct tape.

"What the fuck?" Crimson screamed at the top of his lungs. "They're a pair of dames! They're a pair of broads! Kill 'em!"

He throws a shark towards the girls, but the shark just gets chopped into bits of sushi before another shark lands on top of Crimson.

Millie shoves a dildo through a huge shark's eye, killing him.

Blitza uses a dildo to fend off another shark. Then she shoves it up his butt, making him blush. She gave him a good time and then she killed him.

"You frigging goons! What the fuck is the matter with you? Why do I pay you!? Get them! You stupid idiots! Go get 'em!" The mafia boss yelled.

Millie kicks a dildo into a shark's gun, blocking the barrel and causing it to explode. After impaling another goon, she gets knocked with a chair and goes flying into the cracked windshield of Chaz's car.

Blitza immediately runs to protect Millie while she's down. She hits the shark with a chair before Millie recovers and hits him with a gas can. Then she uses Blitza as a saber, using her boss's horns to slice through a shark and takes the shark's pistol, and detonates the shark holding the gas can.

The unholy priest looks around. You know what? I'm gonna be SMART. This guy's wife and his boss are gonna kill me if I stay, so let me just get outta here.

He closes his bible, drops it, and leaves Crimson's property with his middle fingers in the air.

Blitza takes a smaller shark and puts him in a bigger shark's jaws, then elbow-drops him to death. She ties the shark up behind Chaz's car and gives the car a hard kick to kickstart the engine.

Millie drives the car all around the yard, destroying all the chairs, and heading for the altar. Crimson and Chaz get scared, but Moxxie doesn't get scared, because he knows Millie would never hurt him in a billion years.

Sure enough, the Wrathian imp brakes the car before hitting the altar. As she angrily approaches the altar, a loan shark tries to suckerpunch her, but she knocks him out. She whips her tail and glares daggers at Crimson, who begrudgingly allows her to lift Moxxie off the altar.

"Hey! What about my—?!" Chaz started, but Millie threw a dildo down his throat.

Millie used her pocketknife to slice through Moxxie's restraints, then took the duct tape off. Moxxie hugged his arms around his wife's neck the moment he was free.

"This ass is mine!" She announced, smacking him on the butt.

Chaz pulled the dildo out of his mouth. "Come on, Millie, don't be such a tight-ass! You know..... there's enough of that sweet ass for you and me to share him~"

Millie yelled in rage and pounced on Chaz. The two of them wrestled on the floor.

Moxxie ran over and lifted Millie off of Chaz. "Millie, I've had enough of this visit to my childhood home! Let's just fucking GO!"

Moxxie threw a still-furious Millie over his shoulder and sprinted away. Then he tossed Blitza over his other shoulder.

"By the way, y'all should probably know Chaz isn't even rich, okay? Check his car! He just played you like a fucking rube! *cackles* Later, losers!"

Blitza throws down Chaz's car keys as she flips her middle fingers, then they take off in the helicopter.

While Chaz stands back up, Crimson slowly turns to glare at him.

Chaz chuckles nervously.

***

The helicopter arrives at the I.M.P. building. Lunar, sitting in the same chair as the day before, gives an angry shrug.

Moxxie dismounted the helicopter and hugged his wife. "Millie, thank you for saving me. You're amazing."

Blitza rolled her eyes, because how fucking typical that Moxxie didn’t even mention her. "Ahem!"

"And so are you, ma'am." The boy quickly added. "Both of you were just plain incredible."

Millie smiled at her husband. "Next time just tell me if your dad is a psychopath. I can handle it."

"Well, I'm glad everything ended up okay. Good to know we both have daddy issues, Mox. *ruffles Moxxie's hair* Also, I got to plow your ex-boyfriend! Isn't that great? Now we all fucked the same guy."

Blitza hugged her employees. Moxxie gave her an unimpressed look, while Millie smiled affectionately.

***

Crimson walked into his lounge room and hung up the torn-out jaw of Chazwick Thurman. Nobody lies to him and gets to live another day.

Then he threw a dagger at his family portrait, the knife landing squarely on Moxxie's forehead. That wayward brat has not seen the last of him.

The end

Chapter Text

“You, my friend, are a fucking bad bitch." Blitza declared.

Moxxie didn't respond. He was too busy trying to slow his heartrate down to its normal speed before he had a literal heart attack and Blitza had to call 911..... which would've gotten him sent back to jail and undone all the work they'd done to escape.

Blitza plopped down on a hay bale and rubbed her sprained ankle. She'd twisted it during the escape, which almost made her get caught. She'd yelled at Moxxie to just leave her and save himself, but he was brave enough to come back and fight off the guards about to drag Blitza back to her cell. Then he'd helped support Blitza as she limped her way out, and all the way to this barn they were in right now.

"I gotta say, I am proud of you, kid!" Blitza grinned. "You didn't have to come back for me but you did. You did! That is loyalty! That is courage! That is—"

"I stabbed a guy with a fork." Moxxie mumbled, staring into the void.

Blitza snorted. "Yeah."

"He cried."

"Weak people often do."

"We just broke out of jail."

"Mhm."

"And now we're sitting in a barn."

"That we are."

"..... What do I do now?"

Blitza carelessly flipped her hair and stretched her arms behind her head. "Well, you can do whatever you want now. But I have to get back to my house. Like I said, the babysitter will kill me if I don't get back soon."

"Do whatever I want?" Moxxie echoed.

"Yeah. Go on home, I guess. Where do you live? Is it very far away?"

"I... I can't go home." Moxxie realized quietly.

What would happen if he went home? His father would beat the shit out of him for being stupid enough to get caught by the police.

And what about Chaz? He doesn't know if Chaz was still in the mafia or if Crimson had kicked him out for abandoning Moxxie during their heist, but whether or not Chaz is still in the mafia, Moxxie will inevitably have to meet him again if he goes home. Moxxie never wants to see that backstabber's face again.

Moxxie wonders if there's anywhere else he can go. But he doesn't have to wonder for long, because Blitza speaks up.

"Wait a sec. So what I'm hearing is... you need a place to crash?"

Moxxie nodded.

"OH MY GOSH!" Blitza clapped her hands excitedly. "Slumber party at my place, then!"

Moxxie blinked. "You don't mind me crashing at your place?"

"Of course not!" She lets out an excited giggle. "Fetch a branch for me to use as a walking stick and I'll take you there right now."

Moxxie got out of the barn and walked around a bit until he found a branch tall and sturdy enough to support Blitza's weight. He helped her stand up and catch her balance, then she led him down the nighttime streets of the Pride Ring.

"You said you're from the Greed Ring, right? So how do you like the Pride Ring?"

"It's okay. Everything looks way more expensive, obviously, since this Ring is the capital of Hell." Moxxie said. "So anyway, you have a son?"

"Yeah, his name's Lunar. He's adorable!"

Moxxie expected this "Lunar" to be a young imp boy, since Blitza is an imp, and why else would he need a babysitter unless he's young?

They reached Blitza's apartment building and took the elevator up to the floor where her flat was.

"So this is your place? It looks pretty... normal." Normal for a crazy bitch like you. He thought. "I mean—"

Blitza's front door banged open. A succubus girl in super slutty clothes stood there, furious.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" The girl screeched.

Blitza rolled her eyes. "Heeeey, Bethany, I missed you too."

"You said you'd be gone for 5 hours! FIVE! But then I turn on the News and guess what? Oh look, there's Blitza! BEING ARRESTED!"

Blitza waved her hand dismissively. "Come on, I texted you with the update, didn't I?"

"You sent me a winky face emoji! That is not a fucking update, Blitza!"

Blitza dropped her walking stick out in the hallway and hopped into her flat on one hoof. Moxxie followed, looking scared of Bethany as he passed her.

"So, uh, where's Lunar?" Moxxie asked.

"Down in the basement." The succubus huffed. "When we saw you on the News, he was pretty worried about you."

Blitza grinned. "My baby was worried about me???"

"SHUT UP, BETHANY, YOU LYING BITCH!" Someone screamed from the basement.

"Now, I guess I should pay you—" Blitza began.

"No need, I already took the cash out of your wallet. And I gave myself a hefty tip, which I deserve since I was stuck here way longer than I signed up for." The succubus slung her purse over her shoulder and stormed out of the flat, slamming the door.

"Welp, I don't think she'll be babysitting for me anymore." Blitza shrugged.

"Forget about that girl, you should be more worried about your son!" Moxxie told her. "I feel bad for that poor kid, all alone without his mom, and literally having to watch his mom get arrested, he must be so scared—"

Lunar came up from the basement. No, he was not a young imp boy. He was a gothy 17-year-old hellhound who towered several feet above Moxxie.

".....That's your son?" The male imp squeaked.

"Yeah." Blitza said. "I know he looks too old to need a babysitter, but I recently just adopted him, so I didn't wanna leave him completely alone."

Lunar crossed his arms and levelled a death glare at Moxxie. "Blitza, why is there a wimpy little twink in our house?"

"H-Hey!" Moxxie snapped.

"Lunar, this is Moxxie!" Blitza introduced, putting her hand on Moxxie's shoulder. "He's gonna have a slumber party with me!"

"The fuck happened to your ankle?" Lunar asked her, noticing the way it was swollen. "Ugh, sit down. Let me find the first aid kit."

"Fuck the first aid kit. Get me a drink, I desperately need one right now." She asked.

The female imp plopped onto the couch and took the drink her adoptive son handed to her, sipping from it as she let him bandage and ice her sprained ankle. Moxxie sat down next to her.

"Do you wanna hang out with us, Lunie?" Blitza asked.

"Nope. I'm headed back into my room the moment I'm done fixing you up."

"Hah, your loss! Because Moxxie and me are gonna have the best slumber party ever! We're gonna make face masks, give each other manicures, watch horror flicks, make banana splits, tell each other our deepest darkest secrets—"

Blitza went on to list their activities, which were all the activities only a 13-year-old girl would be hyped about. Lunar's face was still fixed in an unimpressed scowl as he focused on fixing Blitza's injury so he could just get out of there.

Man, I should have just stayed in jail. Moxxie thought.

The end

Chapter Text

Here's my idea:

So the thing a lot of us hate about helluva boss is that it moved away from its original plot which was supposed to be about I.M.P. going on missions to assassinate humans, vivziepop herself calls it a sitcom but it's clearly not a sitcom, it's a love drama.

And I agree that HB could have been way better and get way better reviews if they'd kept the missions as the primary plot and let the stolitz drama be the secondary plot.

I think after s2e3 would’ve been the best place for them to add some episodes about missions, before having all that drama about Starla getting kidnapped and hospitalized in s2e4. So if I do make original episodes I’ll post them here.

I have literally a billion ideas for episodes about them actually going on missions (hello, maladaptive daydreaming lol). I could draw and write them out. I’m a little shy to do it, but I guess I don’t have to worry about getting embarrassed since this story of mine is not popular by any means anyway. I’m mostly just writing for myself.

Also I spent like 4 days straight writing/drawing s2e4 despite me being sick and bedridden, so it’ll be posted soon.

Chapter Text

Starla and Stellan sit at a coffee shop, accompanied by Stellan's younger brother Andrealphus. The divorced couple sit together in hostile silence.

"Starla." The peacock-demon said.

"Stellan." The owl-demon said.

"Cunt."

"Cocksucker."

"Cocksucker?" He slammed his hands on the table and stood up as he screamed, "FUCKISH IMP SUCKER!"

"Aurgh!" Andrealphus smacked his forehead.

[A/N: I always thought Stellan said smth homophobic and that's why it had to be censored, but the transcript says it's just "cunt".

But I find it weird as fuck they were forced to censor that cuz I've heard "cunt" dropped on youtube MANY other times🤔]

Starla sipped her tea. "Why did you insist on meeting me here?" She demanded coolly.

A tiny imp pours tea for Starla. The woman looks at her phone that says 'Reminder: Deal @ Moddie's set'.

"Ahem." Andrealphus cleared his throat. "We wanted to properly discuss the terms of this divorce. I feel my darling brother deserves a bit more compensation. After all, you did cheat on the poor man. Surely you owe—"

"Andrealphus, cheating implies there was a betrayal." Starla pointed two fingers at Stellan. "This man never gave two shits about me or our very much arranged marriage. As far as I'm concerned, this divorce was far overdue."

"Up yours!" Stellan yelled, giving the middle finger.

"You sound like a kindergartener who just learned how to swear." Starla informed him calmly.

"Stellannnn." Andrealphus smacked his forehead again. "For fuck's sake, stop making this harder to bullshit."

Just a second longer, just a second longer... Stellan thought before he heard the sound of horse's hooves thumping on the street. Okay, he's here.

A lasso came in and almost got Starla. She briefly shifted into her full eldritch form to dodge it. Striker came crashing through the window and posed on a table, wearing a poncho. Then he discarded his poncho and twirled a pair of angelic rifles.

"What the fuck?" Andrealphus said, summoning icy power into his talons.

Starla and Andrealphus were both ready to defend themselves, and so were most of the other demons in the coffee shop. The only one who was calmly sitting in his seat with his teacup in hand was Stellan. The peacock-demon turned his head, letting his face be halfway-visible from behind his long hair, and he was smirking.

He fucking set me up. She realized.

"You dirty bitch." Starla hissed at him.

She flew out toward the exit but Striker wrapped her in glowing white rope before she could escape.

"Oh, dear...this is worrisome."

***

Blitza drove the I.M.P. van with M&M in the back and a fearful Lunar next to her. Her phone lets out a bird ringtone.

"Oh, shit." She said as she fumbled to answer it. "Starla! It's really not a good time, girl."

"I'm sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy. But, umm...I seem to have found myself in a bit of a sitch. I'm tied to the back of a horse at the moment."

"Pffttt...lucky bitch." Blitza muttered jealously.

"Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by that little cowboy friend of yours."

"Ohh, which one?"

"How many cowboy friends do you know?" Moxxie asked his boss. Then he leaned toward the phone and asked, "What does he look like, your highness?"

Starla glances up at Striker's grinning face as he rides his horse. Instead of describing him she just said, "Umm...sexy?"

"That's Striker, ma'am!" Moxxie concluded.

"Mox, you think Striker is sexy?" Blitza asked with a smirk. Then she said to the owl-demon, "Starla, can't you just get away? Aren't you powerful?"

"I believe he has bound me with blessed rope, which limits my ability to free myself, I'm afraid." Starla explained. "So, I think you should come save me."

"Oh, shit. Starla, I can't today, allright? I'm sorry. I-I'm literally on my way to take Lunar in for his very important Hellbies S-H-O-T."

She glanced up at Lunar as she said this. The hellhound boy was hugging himself and his eyes were blown wide in fear.

"It takes years to book an appointment at this place, it took 5 to get this one. So, you know- eh, and he's been doing a lot of field work. So, you know, he needs it." The imp woman went on.

"Oh, ha, ha. Well, I do agree that is very important..." Starla said. "But, I—"

"Would you shut up already? I can hear you, by the way." Striker snapped before swiping Starla's phone with his tail. "Don't worry about your lanky birdy... she's in good hands~" He told Blitza before crushing the phone and laughing.

"Oh, shit. Am I in danger right now?" Starla wondered.

"Gaaagh, dammit!" Blitza crushed her own phone in her hand. She moves the clutch forward and her car speeds down the highway. As they arrived at the hospital, Blitza furiously banged her fists on the steering wheel.

"Why are y'all making me feel like I gotta choose between Starla and Lunar?! I can't just leave her with that cowboy fucker! I could never do that! But Lunar... shit, he can't miss this appointment! Hellbies is a deadly disease! I can't just put him at risk of Hellbies for another 5 years!" She lamented. "Argh, of all the days for that stupid idiot bitch to get her stupid feathered ass kidnapped! FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE! What am I supposed to fucking do...?"

"Ma'am, let me and Moxxie deal with the hellhound." Millie offered. "We'll make sure he gets his sho— I mean, his S-H-O-T."

"Really? You don't mind?" Blitza asked hopefully.

"We can do it, ma'am." Moxxie agreed. "And we know you have a score to settle with that dickhead, so get him good for all 3 of us, okay?"

"Oh, and you're gonna need this." Millie places a black cowboy hat with shiny silver tassels onto Blitza's head.

"You guys are the best." Blitza opens the van door so M&M can get out, and they drag Lunar out with them. "Knowing that guy's aesthetic, my money's on that he's in Wrath, so that's where I'm going. I'll just get my ass down there and... look for some cowboy crap or something. Just let me talk to Lunie first."

Blitza leant down to be closer to Lunar. "Lunar, baby, you know I wanna stay with you when you're all scared like this. If Starla called me for literally anything else, I would hang up on her in a heartbeat! But she's about to get murdered, so I—"

"I understand, Blitza. I don't need a whole-ass speech." Lunar waved his hand dismissively. "Go save your girlfriend."

"She's not my—!"

SLAM! Lunar slammed the van door shut in her face. Then Blitza drove off.

"Also, for the record, I'm not that scared." Lunar insisted.

"Then come on, let's go." Moxxie said, waving for Lunar to follow them inside.

The imp couple entered the clinic, Lunar nervously following. A fish lady in the waiting room made a disgusted face at them, like they were a pair of stray dogs who'd wandered in. Being imps, of course they were used to getting nasty looks from other demon species.

"Hiya, miss!" Millie grinned brightly at the baphomet nurse. "We're here for that S-H-O-T for our hellhound here."

"The what?" The nurse asked dumbly.

"The thing hellhounds need to get every year but you lazy B-A-S-T-A-R-Ds only allow my boss to schedule once every 5 years!" Millie rolled her eyes and grabbed the clipboard. She filled out the paperwork, but it said it needs a signature from Blitza since the appointment is under her name.

"Just forge it." Moxxie whispered in his wife's ear. "I highly doubt this woman will be able to tell the difference."

"I can't spell." The nurse said.

Millie gave her the paperwork where she'd forged Blitza's signature.

"I can't read either."

"The Hellbies shot, you fucking reeeeeeeeally can't say that word anymore." Millie said. "The appointment is under Blitza. And uh... I'm Blitza. And this is my husband."

The nurse flipped through a notebook of appointments. "I don't see any Blitza on the list..."

"With an A. It's silent." Millie explained.

She flipped the notebook over. "Oh, an A! Right here. Yep, yep. Blitz-A. Blitzaaaaaaaa. Yes, well. We will be ready for him in just a bit. Please take a seat, you two!"

Millie growled and reached for the knife hidden on her hip, but Moxxie put a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

"Thank you, miss." He said to the nurse, gently leading his wife away.

"They must've been desperate for employees if they intentionally hired a clueless gal like her." Millie muttered into Moxxie's ear.

The 3 of them sat down on the chairs. Millie turned to Moxxie and told him, "We should be able to join Blitza pretty soon. After all, this injection is just one little prick!"

"Eww, don't say that! It sounds vulgar!" The fish lady snapped.

Millie scowled. "Excuse me?"

"Perverts!" The fish lady crossed her arms and turned away.

***

Striker gallops on his horse with Starla tied up behind him, taking her to his hideout. A mariachi band follows him and sings his theme song.

"♫ He's galloping over the dusty plains ♫"

"♫ Even the cacti know his name ♫"

"♫ If you don't want to die, don't cross his path ♫"

"♫ The best assassin in the Ring of Wrath♫"

"♫ He's Striker! He's Striker! ♫"

The last imp extends the notes, much to Striker's annoyance.

"♫ He's Striker, he— ♫"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYIN' TO DO MY FUCKING JOB! YOU COMIN' IN HERE SINGING ABOUT ME FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKIN' TIME! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, YA FREAKS!"

The terrified mariachi imps quietly ride away in their cart, disappearing into the darkness of the mine.

"Hey, that's not fair! I'm a princess! How can you have your own theme song but I don't?!" Starla complained jealously.

"Believe me, birdie, it gets annoying fast." Striker grumbled as he whipped the horse's reins again.

***

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Moxxie tried to strike up a conversation with the fish lady.

"Soooo, nice weather we're having, huh?" He asked.

"Moxxie, just ignore her! It's clear she won't be friends with us!" Millie scolded him.

"But Millie, I'm just—"

"Look, Mommy, they let f*re t*ads in here!" The kid said.

Millie pushed Moxxie aside and glared down at the kid. "The fuck did you just call my husband, you little shit?!" She demanded.

"It's not polite to call them that to their faces, honey. Wait till we're in the car." The lady said.

Moxxie got to his feet. "Hey, you got a problem with us, cunt?"

The lady gasped. "There is a child present, you filthy Wrathian!"

"First of all, I'm from Greed, not Wrath. But more importantly, you're the one raising this child of yours to be a racist, bigoted asshole by using slurs and disrespecting Wrathians like my wife!" Moxxie snapped.

"Also, this hellhound we brought with us is kind of a kid too!" Millie said, hugging Lunar (that's the 1st fucking time she's ever done that). "And I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate you calling his co-workers... things."

Lunar roughly shrugged her away. "Actually, Millie, I don't give a shit what this lady calls you."

If Blitza was getting called racist slurs, I'd defend her in a heartbeat. I'd literally throw hands for her. He thought. But for your ass..... you only ever refer to me as "tHe HeLlHoUnD", so how are you any less racist?

"Co-workers?" The fish lady asked. "Hah! Neither of you two look like you have a job, I mean a job that's not shady as hell. Can't we reschedule when less of the unemployed rabble are here?"

"Hey, I am a hard worker! I was literally raised on a farm! I bet the hardest work you've ever done is convincing your husband that little shit's his!" Millie pointed to the kid, making him tear up.

"Oh yeah? And what do you two do that's so important?" The fish lady challenged.

Millie batted her eyelashes, acting all innocent. "Us? Oh, nothin' much. Just..."

"Killing people." Moxxie finished. "How does a 2-for-1 special sound, whore?" He asked, pulling out his gun as Millie pulled out her knife.

"Oh you two, the doc will see your hound now!" The nurse called.

Lunar made a puppylike whimper. Fortunately M&M were too busy fighting to notice it. Millie was strangling the mother and the boy with her arm while Moxxie had his gun at the ready. But Millie drops them to the floor. She brushes off her overalls and calmly takes Moxxie's hand, holding hands with him as she walks into the doctor office.

Lunar shoves his hands into his pockets to hide how badly they're trembling as he follows them.

***

"Goddammit, I don't have time for this." Blitza grumbled as she noticed the van was running out of gas.

She pulls up to a gas station and gets out. As she's about to start filling the van with gas, a biker gang pulls up and notices her.

"Hey, queer girl!" The leader of the gang said. "You stealin' my hat?"

Blitza turned around in surprise. "What? Oh, sorry. My friend just put this hat on my head because it was...hot...outside..."

"This hat is mine, and I don't let no-one copycat me. But ya know, I could make an exception for a lovely lil' lady like you if you agreed to....." He smirked suggestively.

"Oh, no! Eww! Sorry, man, but you are not the type I like to hook up with!" Blitza said quickly.

The biker looked at his gang members. "Looks like we got a girlie who's gonna make this difficult on us. But we know how to handle ladies like this, don't we, boys?"

"Oh, yeah." One of them licked his lips hungrily.

"A little scuffle makes the reward much sweeter anyway." Another one chuckled.

The gang cracked their knuckles, ready to hold her down while their leader sexually assaulted her, then take their own turns sexually assaulting her.

Blitza sighed, exasperated. "So, we're doing this, huh?"

She had to fight the biker gang. She wanted it done as quickly as possible so she wouldn't waste much of her time that should be spent searching for Starla, but unfortunately these bikers were strong fighters, so Blitza wasted a lot of her time with them.

She managed to wrap the nozzle around the lead biker's neck. As he was struggling to get out and the van was filling with gas, Blitza looked around for someone who could give her directions. She noticed a mariachi band and went over to them.

"Hey, you guys! Y'all seen this motherfucker riding around here?" She showed the band a drawing of Striker firing a gun.

They started to sing again. "♫ He's galloping— ♫"

"No, NO! No singing! Just a yes or no, please." Blitza asked.

"Yeah, he lives out by the Badman Lands, in the old train tunnel near the mine shafts." A member of the band informed her. "Very outlaw aesthetic, ya can't miss it."

Blitza nodded gratefully. "Thank you kindly, sir!"

She cheerily skipped her way into the van and whistled a happy little tune as she speeds forward, taking off the biker's head and exploding the gas station.

"Serves you right for trying to SA innocent girls in the dessert." She huffed.

***

Starla was tied upside down on railroad tracks. Striker stood nearby and used a whetstone to sharpen a Blessed Knife.

"So, my ex-husband paid you for this, hmm? Wouldn't a holy bullet have sufficed? Or can you not afford those?"

"I was paid to give you the real royal treatment; your ex-husband must really hate you." Striker chuckled.

"You have no idea." Starla said flatly. "So. Train tracks? Really? Seems a bit clichéd, doesn't it?"

"It's a classic." Striker insisted.

"Is the giant statue of yourself also a 'classic' or...?" She quirked an eyebrow at the statue of Striker with a giant erection.

[A/N: Ngl this felt super out-of-character for him. Isn't he supposed to be the one demon who ISN'T horny as hell?

It feels like a joke they wanted to use on Chaz but they didn't get the chance to, so they just threw it onto Striker]

Striker throws the whetstone, pissed off. "Are you seriously judging me right now?"

Starla shrugged innocently. "I'm just impressed you seem to wanna... suck your own dick this badly."

Striker came toward the princess. "Look. Not every ring is some fancy-ass city, with some fancy-ass mansion, that only fancy-ass royals get to live in. Some of us have hard lives to live. And some of us have everything we care about taken away by fuckers like you."

"I have no- AAAGH!" She screamed as the imp man stabbed her in the shoulder with his angelic dagger. He then cut her ropes, making her fall down.

"YOU. Don't get to talk over me!" He slaps Starla with his tail. "I don't have to listen to your bullshit!" He jams his hoof into Starla's shoulder wound. "All you royals ever do is try to talk over us!"

Starla tries to petrify Striker, but the rope prevents her powers from working.

Striker smirked as he leaned down. "Don't bother trying to use your little eye trick on me; those ropes ain't gonna let you do anything. Got somethin' to say about that? Your highness?" He steps on the princess's open wound once again.

"Well, you seem to be forgetting; you are working for a royal... right... now!"

Starla drove her heel directly into her kidnapper's nose. He let out a "fuck!" as he stumbled backwards, his nose gushing blood from both nostrils. It was broken. She had just broken his fucking nose.

Striker grabs Starla's ankle and lifts up his foot to stomp on her leg and breaks it.

Starla grunts but then just blinks up at him. "Blitzy handles me rougher than that in bed. Nice try."

Put off by this, Striker twirls the knife and stabs her in the leg.

"Blitzy's knife is bigger... and hits sooooo much deeper."

"Being a smartass, hmm?" He walked behind Starla and grabbed her by the hair, dragging her head up to press the knife to her throat. "'Cause once I split your neck open and let you choke on your own blue blood, you won't be worth any more than the tombstone you'll be buried under."

"Blitzy says far more dirtier things to me with much sharper objects at my throat!" Starla bragged, her voice raspy from having the dagger pressed against her neck.

Striker throws the owl princess to the ground and storms away to tend to his broken nose, and/or his bruised ego. Starla rolls onto her back and sheds a tear, hoping Blitza will save her.

***

It's just a needle, it's just a needle. Lunar thought as he sat down in the doctor office, M&M sitting on either side of him. He hoped they didn't notice how nervous he was.

"Welcome, Molly and Foxxy. And this must be Junior."

"Lunar." Lunar corrected.

"Yeah, the hellhound." Millie said carelessly. "Could we speed this up? He isn't a fan of shots. So let's make this quick for all our sakes."

Dr. Somna patted Lunar's hand, which made the hound pull away and glare irritably. "Don't worry. I've seen hellhounds all day and there hasn't been one that has caused any issues."

Lunar took a deep breath. It's just a needle, it's just a needle, it's just a needle...

Dr. Somna pulled out a huge needle. Lunar's eye twitched and he growled, charging at Dr. Somna. He did not mean to do it, not at all, it was just his instincts telling him to fight back before he got hurt.

Moxxie tried to hold him back but Lunar effortlessly pushed him away, then Millie grabbed Dr. Somna and pulled him out of the way.

"Yup, told you, disphit." Millie said as Lunar howled.

***

Andrealphus and Stellan were having tea at Andrealphus's ice palace. The icy peacock-demon creates several ice cubes, stirring them into his drink.

"So, earlier. That assassin. Was that yooouuu?"

"Mm... Guuiilty! Yes, it was~" Stellan sing-songed.

"You silly-billy, you." Andrealphus giggles. "Though, you know, if your ex-wife dies it won't turn out well for you."

"She'll be dead; why wouldn't it?" The older man wondered carelessly.

Andrealphus frowned in concern. “Because, my dear brother, she's already gotten divorced from you. You are no longer her husband, she doesn't have a husband anymore. But she has a child. If I die or retire early, my duties, my possessions and my legions will pass to Cassian, since I don’t have a spouse. So when Starla dies, her stuff will all be given to… Via.”

Stellan drinks his tea, unbothered.

"So if you kill her, you would..... Hmm?"

"Laugh? Ha—"

"NO, YOU STUPID SHITHEEL! YOU'D GET NOTHING! Ugh..." Andrealphus stroked his brother's taloned hand. "You're so lucky you're attractive."

Stellan huffed. "Well, what do you propose we do? She won't leave me anything willingly; she hates me almost as much as I hate her."

"Hmm. Well, this kind of situation is extremely unique; a Goetia has never behaved like this before." He stands up from his chair and walks behind Stellan. "But with her alive, we have options. Opportunities. An eternity's a long time, my friend; I say we bide our time, and wait for our chance to... gain the upper hand."

Stellan begins to pout and whine like a spoiled kid. "Oohhhhhh, but I want her dead so badly!"

"And she will be, in time, my fiery wolf." Andrealphus ran a finger down his brother's strong jawline and up to his chin. "But, patience first; now *hands him his customized phone* call off your mangy stray."

***

Back at Striker's hideout, he throws Starla down while circling her. Starla is panting and whimpering in pain.

"Well, this has been fun, but every good thing has to come to an end. Shame you won't see your kid again."

Starla had barely flinched when Striker talked trash about Blitza. But at the mention of her kid, Starla lifted her head and coldly hissed, "Don't you dare breathe a word about my daughter."

Striker came to sit on top of her. "Ohh. Finally hit a nerve, huh?"

"I swear, if you go within 100 feet of her, I will destroy you—"

He stabs Starla in the shoulder again, the knife going all the way through her and digging into the ground this time. "Big talk. But just that. Any last words, Goetia?

"B-Blitza... will..."

Where the fuck was Blitza? Was she not coming? Should Starla have tried to call someone else instead of that imp?

But... no. Even if this was the end for Starla, she wanted her last words to be Blitza's name. Blitza was the thing that had made her feel alive after all these years, and she wouldn't want her last words to be anything else.

Striker chuckled darkly. "That pretty lil' sex doll told you she ain't coming. Nobody. Is. Coming."

As Striker raised the angelic knife to stab Starla through the heart, he's interrupted by his phone ringing.

"Hello?"

"Change of plans, Striker. I need the bitch alive." Stellan chirped.

Striker's eyes widen in shock, as this is the last thing he expected. Stellan had seemed so fucking adamant that Starla needed to die.

"I'm kinda in the middle of killing her." He said irritably.

Starla tried to scream horrible, horrible things at her ex-husband but Striker uses his tail to cover her mouth.

"Well, stop it." Stellan ordered. "We need her alive to get some affairs in order. I'll pay you more to spare her and bring her to us."

Striker groaned. He'd been so hyped up to kill a demon royal for the first time in his life, especially with how much he hated demon royals. At first he thought about just hanging up and killing Starla anyway, but then Stellan would be furious at the disobedience. He would send a billion assassins after Striker, if he didn't just come and kill Striker himself. So...

"Yes, sir." He said through gritted teeth.

"Glorious." Stellan chirped before hanging up.

Striker growls and smashes his phone against a rock. Then he turns back around to face Starla again.

"Good news for you, Feathers. Your royal cunt said he don't want you dead no more. But he didn't say what condition you had to be in." The cowboy grabs Starla and hovers his knife near the princess's eyes. "I think these reds might be a pretty trophy. I'm sure you can still sign papers without your eyesight. And the next time I come for you, you won't even be able to see me comin'! *cackles* Now that is what I call a win-win scenario!"

"F-Fuck you..."

Starla spat a loogie of black blood and saliva into his face. Not very ladylike, but if she was gonna lose her eyes to this asshole, she didn't mind breaking her ladylike persona.

Striker wiped the mess off his face, seething. "Okey-dokey, then. Let's get to it."

He positioned the knife above Starla's right eye. But before he could put pressure, he heard a car horn in the distance..... which confused him as cars never come into this part of the desert.

Parts of the cavern ceiling begin to give away and the I.M.P van breaks through, tumbling down an embankment and as the van comes to a rest, the door opens with Blitza kneeling on one knee and aiming a rifle at Striker.

The latter dodges several bullets and throws his knife into the rifle, causing another bullet to ricochet around the cavern and strike a nearby boom box that begins playing. As Striker pulls out 2 revolvers, Blitza attacks him with a longsword from behind; Striker takes the sword and Blitza charges with a katana instead. The 2 imps fight to a standstill and the long sword breaks, with the tip landing in the boombox. Striker is surprised by the song it switches to, but quickly disregards it as Blitza attacks with a battle axe. He pushes Blitza down and lassos a nearby stalagmite and slams it into Blitza's back.

Striker put his hat on and went in for the kill. "I remember how easy your pathetic little employee was to choke the life out of. I'll bet you're not much better."

He crouched down and began to choke Blitza. Blitza squeezed her eyes shut, pretending to be in pain, but then she said, "Ohhh... Harder~"

Striker immediately got up, disgusted.

Blitza uses the quick moment of distraction to kick Striker's legs out from under him and lassos Striker by the neck, spinning him around and throws him to the ground.

"YOU... COWBOY PIECE OF SHIT!"

Striker aims a revolver at Blitza, but she throws an axe at the base of Striker's statue. He looks up to see it falling towards him; he tries to crawl out of the way, but the statue lands on top of him.

As Blitza approaches it, the smoke clears to see that Striker is gone. "Dammit!" She snapped her fingers.

Then she remembered Starla, and she ran to the owl princess's side.

"Oh Satan!" She cried, running a hand through her black hair in panic. This looked bad.

Starla's eyes fluttered open. Her vision was blurry, and Blitza was muddy and bruised up from her fight with Striker, but Starla would recognize that face anywhere.

Despite being in a lot of pain, her lips curled into a weak smile. "Y-You came?"

"OF COURSE I DID, BIRDBRAIN!" Blitza furiously smacked the floor. "Now... Fuck. I'm gonna lift you up. I can see your leg's broken so I'll try not to move it too much."

Starla shrieked in pain when she was lifted up, so Blitza ran to the van as quick as she could. Once she'd put Starla in the back, she used her dagger to cut through the blessed rope still restraining Starla. Blitza pulled a medical kit from the glove compartment, then went to the back and knelt down with the princess.

"Your shoulder wound is still bleeding, so I'm gonna wrap it up before you bleed to death. But then I'm driving as fast as I can to the hospital, because I really don't know jackshit about medical shit. WHERE is Moxxie when you need him?!" Blitza said worriedly as she used her dagger to cut off some bandages.

***

M&M tried to hold Lunar down so the doctor could inject the needle into him. Even with their combined effort, and with Millie's farm girl strength, Lunar managed to buck them off. He sprinted out of the doctor's office on all fours.

"GET BACK HERE, SHITHEAD! THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING GOOD!" Millie called irritably.

Lunar ignored her and sprinted down the hallway. He burst out the back door of the clinic and into the alleyway behind it. Then he leaned against the wall to catch his breath. He was sweating from both fear and all that running he just did.

"Stupid fucking trypanophobia." He whispered through gritted teeth.

Lunar dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. He was so frustrated with himself right now. The way he was literally shitting his pants over a simple needle was so, so embarrassing, but he just couldn't shake this fear.

"Hey, er, you okay?" A voice beside him asked.

Lunar turned to see a hellhound girl standing there, quirking an eyebrow at him in concern. The first thing he noticed was that she was pretty. Really pretty. And he probably looked terrible right now, so he stood straighter and awkwardly straightened his shirt.

The hellhound girl had lilac fur, darker lilac hair with some strands dyed blue and white, freckles, and pointy ears with earrings in them. She wore a pink sweater and turquoise skirt. A brown messenger bag was slung over her shoulder.

"I'm fine." Lunar said.

The girl snorted. "Most folks who hide out in alleys aren't "fine". My name's Rosemary, by the way. Wanna tell me why you're actually hiding here?"

"I... I'm just..."

"Let me guess." Rosemary rolled her eyes. "It's time for you to get a shot and you're scared shitless?"

"Fuck. You a mind reader or something?"

"No, it's just the only reason for you to be this nervous is if you're about to get a shot or an operation." She explained with a shrug.

Lunar sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Perfect. Not only am I acting like a pussy in front of Moxxie and Millie, but now a cute girl gets to see what a pussy I am.

"Listen, I know it's insanely stupid but I—"

"Insanely stupid? Dude, saying that in itself is insanely stupid!" Rosemary stepped closer to Lunar. "There's nothing wrong with being scared. But I'm assuming you need this shot or you'll get sick?"

"It's Hellbies." He muttered.

"Oof, yeah. Hellbies is deadly. *chuckles* You can't run from that one."

"What are you doing at this hospital anyway?"

"I came to get my mom's medicine. But I have all day to get the medicine, let's concentrate on you first."

Rosemary put her hand on Lunar's back (making him blush) and led him back inside the clinic. Nervousness started in him once again as they neared the doctor's office. But he tried to think about the feeling of Rosemary's hand on his back.

"There you are, you big pussy!" Millie snapped once Lunar was in sight.

Lunar gave Millie the middle finger, but Rosemary quickly said, "Hey, there is nothing wrong with being scared for a shot!"

"Who's this gal?" Millie asked. "Is she... oh. I see."

Millie smirked mischievously. Lunar probably would've ripped Millie's throat out right now, he didn't even care what Moxxie would do to him, but Rosemary gently led him to the table. Lunar sat down, and Rosemary hopped up to sit next to him.

"He's ready, doc." The female hellhound said.

Dr. Somna came forth with the needle. Lunar's hands were shaky and his instincts screamed at him to run, but then Rosemary put her hand over his and squeezed.

Suddenly needles didn't seem so scary anymore.

Lunar still winced as the needle stabbed into his arm. But soon it was over and Dr. Somna put a bandaid on his arm. Then Dr. Somna handed him a list of the medicine he'll need and a lemon-flavoured lollipop.

As they exited the hospital, Moxxie whispered in Millie's ear: "That sure got easier when Lunar's new little friend showed up."

"Maybe if he got himself a girlfriend he'd be less of a handful." Millie giggled.

"Hey, uh, you want this?" Lunar offered, holding the lollipop out to Rosemary.

She smirked down at the candy. "Your lollipop?"

"Well, y'know, it's the least I can offer you for helping me." Lunar shrugged.

"What a thoughtful gift! You know how to treat a lady." Rosemary joked as she unwrapped the lollipop and popped it in her mouth, then walked away.

"Hey, wait!" Lunar jogged after her, deciding to try his luck at getting her number.

M&M emerged from St. An's hospital, leaving Lunar in there to flirt with Rosemary as much as he wanted. Then the I.M.P. van pulls up.

"Oh, good." Moxxie said. "Blitza actually managed to—"

A horde of medical personnel and reporters trample M&M as they rush to the van. Two Plague Doctors opened the van door and put Starla on a stretcher. 

"B-Blitza..." Starla mumbles as she senses she's about to be taken away.

"It's okay, Starla." Blitza reassures. Then she turns to the doctors and warningly says, "You better take good care of her!"

M&M get trampled again when they wheeled Starla inside. M&M help each other stand back up, then they go over to Blitza, who looks bruised up and had a very worried look on her face.

"Ma'am, are you allright?" Moxxie asked her.

"Nope." The older woman grumbled.

Millie pointed to the hospital doors, where reporters were all swarmed around. "What the fuck is that all about?"

"Striker beat the shit out of Starla." Blitza said, slowly shaking her head in disbelief. "I didn't... I never thought I... she... I... She can get hurt?"

***

"Are we feeling allright, Mrs. Goetia?" A nurse asked.

"It's Ms. Goetia." Starla corrected quietly.

"Sorry. Ms. Goetia." The nurse rephrased.

Starla didn't talk anymore. The nurse checked Starla's vitals, wrote down something on her clipboard, then left the room to check on something else.

Starla's arm was broken, her leg fractured, her thigh stabbed, the stab wound in her shoulder is pretty serious, and she had a billion more bruises and cuts. A heart monitor was beeping and she is surrounded by many plants; have an IV bag next to her showing blood being transferred into her.

Starla's mind was filled with thoughts of Blitza. Where was she? Visiting hours were open, so why didn't she come visit?

A petal fell. She loves me not.

But then she remembered Blitza had come to save her. Sure, she'd been super late and Starla had still gotten tortured and would've been killed if Stellan didn't call off the hit. But Blitza had still come.

Another petal fell. She loves me.

Starla hears her phone buzzing and sees a text message from Blitza.

Get bevva swoon :(

Thank you, Blitz, that means a lot. And thank you so so much for coming to save me, I know it was not easy for you to choose between me and staying with Lunar. I am forever grateful for that.

I might be here for a while, if you ever wanted to come visit 💜

The 3 little dots dance as Blitza types. Starla holds her breath. But Blitza doesn't send whatever message she was typing, indicating she probably won't be visiting the hospital.

Starla's smile fades as she dejectedly puts her phone down and rolls over as several flower petals fall on her nightstand as the princess falls asleep.

She loves me not.

The end

Chapter Text

"Ma'am? Ma'am!" The pharmacist leaned forward and smacked Blitza's shoulder, which effectively snapped her out of her daze from where she'd been staring down at the countertop.

"S-Sorry, what?" Blitza said, actually taking a few seconds to remember she was in a pharmacy, buying medicine for Lunar that Dr. Somna had prescribed.

The pharmacist gave her an odd look, then he motioned to the cash register. "I said your total is 9.70$."

"9.70." Blitza echoed absent-mindedly as she fumbled around in her purse to get out her wallet.

She placed a dollar bill on the counter, took the paper bag of medicine and left.

"Wait, your change?" The pharmacist called, but Blitza ignored him as she went back to the I.M.P. van.

She threw her purse and the medicine bag into the shotgun seat next to her, then put the van into gear and drove out of the Sloth Ring and back to the Pride Ring. Blitza couldn't get her mind off Starla. Starla had to be okay now. Being a demon royal, they would give her the best medical care possible. They wouldn't let her die. Besides, she'd been in stable condition when Blitza left her.

But she'd still been badly hurt. Hell, maybe she'd never been hurt at all in her life, being so invulnerable that only angelic weapons can cut through her skin.

Why couldn't I get to her sooner? I'm such a piece of shit. Blitza thought.

"Uh, Blitza?" A quiet voice asked from the backseat.

She turned around to see Lunar sitting up.

Oh Satan. Some mother I am!

She'd been so busy worrying about Starla that she'd completely forgotten Lunar. He'd been lying down and closing his eyes in the backseat because he had a killer headache as an after-effect of his Hellbies shot. A killer headache, and his arm was sore where the needle stabbed him.

She had to forget about Starla. The owl-demon was in stable condition and being taken care of by medical professionals, she would be fine. Lunar had to be Blitza's main priority for now.

"I'm so sorry, Lunie! What's wrong? Do you need anything? Do you—"

"Hey, eyes on the road, dummy!" Lunar snapped, pointing to where Blitza had almost rammed right into a lamppost.

"Fuck!" She yelped as she swerved to avoid it.

"Owww." Lunar whined, clutching his head. That sharp swerve had made his headache even worse.

"Sorry! Again." Blitza squeaked. "I'll try to drive steadier."

When they reached the apartment building, Blitza held onto Lunar's elbow to support him as they went to the elevator and rode it up to Blitza's flat. Then Lunar heavily sat down on the couch.

"My headache is pounding with every goddamn heartbeat." He groaned.

Blitza opened the packet of tablets she'd just bought and dropped a few into a glass of water. "This will help."

Lunar drank the tablets with a wince. "This sucks."

"I know, sweetheart, but it's better than getting Hellbies." Blitza tucked a strand of Lunar's hair out of his face. "You'll feel better soon."

He leaned back against the couch. "Sure doesn't feel like it right now."

They sat in silence for a minute. Lunar was thinking about Starla (and suspected Blitza was too). When he'd been talking with Rosemary, he'd seen a crowd rush into the hospital, pushing someone on a stretcher. He didn't know who it was. But when he came back outside to join Blitza, he learned it was Starla on that stretcher. The owl princess had gotten badly hurt.

And... well, Blitza always insisted Starla was just her transactional fuck buddy. Nothing more. But Lunar called bullshit because Blitza and Starla slept together more often than just full moons, and he could see how they loved being around each other. And, most of all, he could see how Blitza looked horrified when Starla got hurt.

"You should text her." He suddenly spoke up.

Blitza blinked like a deer in headlights. "Huh?"

Lunar gestured to his mother's phone which was on the coffee table. "Go ahead. I'm sure she's waiting on a text from you."

"I... I'll text her later. I'm a little busy taking care of you right now."

"No, you won't." He narrowed his eyes at her despite the pounding in his head. "You'll pretend to forget, just 'cuz you're too pussy to talk to her."

"Hey, I'm not too pussy!" Blitza snapped.

"Then go ahead!" He picked up the phone and dropped it into Blitza's lap. "The bitch is in the hospital, I'm sure it'll make her feel better if her girlfriend texts her."

"Lunar, for Satan's sake, I'm not her girlfriend!"

The hellhound rolled his eyes. "It'll make her feel better if her "transactional fuck buddy" texts her."

"She's... she's probably resting."

"Then she can read it when she wakes up, idiot!"

Blitza hesitated a little more, then she unlocked the phone and typed, Git bevva swoon :(  to Starla's contact.

"There, is this what you wanted?" Blitza huffed, showing Lunar the phone screen as she hit 'send'.

"It's not what I want, it's what Starla wants, dumbass." Lunar responded.

Her phone buzzed and they both saw Starla's reply: Thank you, Blitz, that means a lot. And thank you so, so much for coming to save me. I know it was not easy for you to choose between me and staying with Lunar, and I am forever grateful for that. I might be here a while if you ever want to come visit 💜

Blitza read and reread the message a few times.

"Helloooo, what are you waiting for? Tell her you're coming to visit her."

"Lunar, I can't do that." Blitza said quietly. "I want to but if I—"

"Okay, this is getting too soap opera-ish for my taste. Give me that." Lunar snatched Blitza's phone out of her hand and stood up from the couch. "I'll tell her for you."

"Lunar, NO—!" The imp stood up and tried to get the device back, but her son was 4 feet taller than her so she couldn't reach.

"Stop being so melodramatic, Blitza! I'm just gonna tell her you're coming first thing tomorrow morning. And don't worry, I'll copy your dyslexic-ass spelling so she thinks it's actually you."

"No, please don't!"

Blitza dove for the phone but Lunar twisted out of her grasp. But the sharp and sudden movement made him dizzy, as he was still getting over his shot-inflicted headache. That brief moment of dizziness gave Blitza the chance to catch his wrist.

"Let go." She told him firmly.

"Nope." He said. "You're just scared to talk to her, but she'd probably love to hear from you. You're the one that saved her."

“Lunar, you’re gonna hurt yourself!”

“You’re hurting me with this painfully cringe avoidance of feelings!”

They played tug-of-war with the phone. But then another wave of dizziness hit Lunar and his strength faltered, so she cleanly won the tug-of-war. She immediately backed away from him so he couldn’t just snatch it back. Lunar groaned and sank back into the couch, defeated.

“Unfair. I’m injured.”

Blitza clutched the phone like a lifeline. She looked at the intentionally-misspelled message her son had been about to send: Of corse I’m cuming to visit! I’ll be there tomoro morning, so keep thos windows opened for me! Want me to bryng anythyng? 🥰

Blitza deleted the message and sat next to him again. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“Yeah, but I’m right. Just tell her you’re coming and it’ll make her happy. She’s probably as nervous about this as you are.”

Blitza twisted up her lips, her thumb hovering uncertainly over the screen. “I’ll visit her later. For sure.”

“Fuck it, fine. I give up.” Lunar got up and marched to the basement where his bedroom was (wobbling a little as he walked, but still managing to make it look like a dramatic exit). He slammed the door loudly, making Blitza flinch.

“Hey, you should put on your headphones but don’t play music on them! Noise cancelling will help your headache!” Blitza called some advice.

Blitza sighed and lay down on the couch. She looked at the text message Starla had sent once again. Why was it so hard to think about visiting Starla? It was true they’d hardly spoken to each other outside of their fuck sessions, but she would still visit later.

Maybe because she was still reeling from the knowledge that Starla could get hurt, when she’d spent her entire life believing the Ars Goetia were invincible demons. Honestly she thought Striker would be a dead body, and Starla would be standing there, frowning at the dust that got on her expensive dress, and say something like, “So much for you being my heroic Princess Charming, Blitzy. But no worries, I know exactly how you can make it up to me~!” Blitza would roll her eyes and pretend to be disgusted, but she would fuck Starla right in the back of the I.M.P. van as an apology.

Blitza so badly wished that was what happened instead of the reality.

The end

Chapter Text

Stellan got up and threw a teacup against the wall. Andrealphus sat there, unimpressed. He was used to his 30-something-year-old brother still acting like a kid.

"Of course you had to go and fuck things up, Andre!" Stellan shouted. "Typical you, just wanting to boss me around ALL! THE! FUCKING! TIME!"

"Hey, you're the stupid shitheel who didn't even think about this before hiring that pathetic cowboy." Andrealphus fired back.

Stellan crossed his arms. "This isn't the first time I've hired that yee-haw cowboy to kill Starla."

Andrealphus raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"The first time was before she filed for divorce. I sent him after her on the last Harvest Moon, when she does that thing where she curses the crops to keep growing. So I guess if I'd succeeded that time, I would've gotten some of Starla's fortunes. But that impish mistress of hers foiled it."

"This imp sounds like a real challenge, since she's foiled two of your assassination attempts."

Stellan rolled his eyes. "A real challenge? She's just a real pain in my ass."

Stellan sighed heavily and let some of the tension out of his body. He was still mad that Starla remained alive and well, but he tried to calm down.

Andrealphus tapped his talons against his teacup. "Here's yet another thing I don't think you considered, my dear brother: how will Via react to learning her father put a hit on her mother?"

Stellan sighed. "She'll be upset, I suppose. But she's a smart girl so soon she'll understand that I did this for her own good. We don't need her mother."

On the subject of Octavia, Stellan started to think about something.

"Andrealphus, can you believe Via is almost 18?" The older man asked. "Remember what I was doing when I was 18?"

"Having a wedding. Learning how to go from being a marquis to a prince. And learning how to be married to a woman you didn't love." Andrealphus replied.

Stellan frowned down at the floor. "They're already sending proposals, Andrealphus. Me and Starla, we've seen the letters that come in the mail. Proposals from other demon royals, asking if Octavia can come to go on a date with their sons."

Andrealphus winced. "I imagine you and Starla have been throwing those letters away?"

"Every last one."

Andrealphus could not relate. He wasn't a prince, he was just a marquis, so nobody had really asked to come meet his son Cassian yet even though Cassian was 17 too. He worried Cassian would be betrothed someday too, but he knew Octavia was more at risk since she wasn't just a marquis, she was a princess.

"Stellan, my friend, you don't have to accept any of those proposals if you choose not to." The younger man reminded.

""Choose not to". Starla and I didn't have any choice in it when we got married." Stellan said. "You are sooooooo lucky that you're younger than me so you weren't betrothed to anyone, Andre."

"Hah! Remember how jealous you used to be of me when you found out I was free to marry whoever I chose but you weren't?"

"I'm still fucking jealous of that." Stellan confessed.

Their discussion was cut short as Stellan's phone rang. He cursed when he saw the caller ID.

"It's Via, isn't it?" Andrealphus guessed.

"I have no clue what the fuck I'm gonna tell her." Stellan swiped up, then put the phone to his ear. "Via—"

"Dad! Oh my God! Did you see the News?! Mum got hurt by some assassin and she's in the hospital!" The teenage princess said, her words fast and frantic.

"Oh dear." Stellan said. "How did you know ab—"

"Me and Cassian were just hanging out together when Cassian was checking Sinstagram and he saw a trending video on his feed, and it was of Mum being wheeled into the hospital!"

"Sinstagram. Of course that's how they found out." Andrealphus muttered, rolling his eyes.

"We're riding to the hospital in our carriage right now." Octavia went on. "Where are you, Dad? Are you already at the hospital waiting for us?"

"N-No, I'm with your uncle at his ice palace."

"Oh." Octavia said, sounding surprised. "Well, me and Cassian will be at that hospital with Mum in only a few more minutes. You and Uncle Andrealphus can find us there."

"Okay, hon." Stellan said.

"For fuck's sake, can't you go any faster?!" Octavia hissed at the carriage driver before hanging up the phone.

Stellan sighed and turned back to Andrealphus. "I can't tell her that I'm responsible for the hit on her mother right now. Maybe we can... talk about that later."

"That is, if Starla doesn't tell her everything the moment they meet each other at the hospital." Andrealphus mentioned, sipping his tea.

"Shit, I never thought of that. She'd better not tell Via anything! If she does, I swear I'll... I'll... Ugh!" He pounded his fist against the table, making the expensive tea set rattle. "Why did I get hitched to that damn owl-woman?!"

Stellan got up from the table they'd been drinking tea at. He crossed his arms and went to stand by the large floor-to-ceiling window. He looked outside at the light flurry of snow (there was always a light flurry of snow on Andrealphus's property).

"Starla and I don't agree on much, but we both agree that our daughter will never be forced into a marriage. Octavia is the only good thing that came out of me and Starla being forced on each other, and we don't want her to suffer an arranged marriage like we did."

Andrealphus came over and put his hands on his brother's muscled shoulders, rubbing him gently as Stellan kept glaring out the window.

"We all know arranged marriages are a common practice in the Ars Goetia, Stellan. But you have to be the man to break that pattern. You can do it. I know you can do it." He brushed Stellan's long hair aside and leaned his chin against the older man's shoulder. "A fiery wolf such as yourself would never have any—"

Stellan cringed at the term "fiery wolf" being used on him once again. He shrugged out of his brother's touch.

"Okay, Andre, you have to cut back on the flirty comments! We get it, you wanna flirt with other men but you can't because you're too embarrassed to reveal that you're fruity. Boo-hoo, real heart-wrencher, but this is actually becoming too much."

***

Standing in the hospital room, Cassian had his knuckles pressed against his beak in concern.

“Hey, Via, you okay?”

“I’m okay.” She replied, but her voice was barely audible.

Octavia was sitting in a chair, leaning against her mother’s hospital bed. Her makeup was smudged from crying her eyes out earlier. The nurses told her Starla would be okay but that didn’t stop the younger princess from bursting into tears the moment she saw the state her mother was in. She was still napping, and Octavia didn’t want to wake her, so she and Cassian were both being quiet as they stayed by Starla’s side.

Cassian’s phone chimed with a text from Andrealphus. “Via, my dad’s telling me to head home now. But I take it you won’t be going anywhere for now?”

“I’ll spend all night in this room if they let me.” Octavia said.

“Aunt Starla will be fine. She’s a strong lady.” Cassian reassured, patting his cousin on the shoulder before leaving.

The end

Chapter Text

Blitza scaled the wall to a rehab centre.

"Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on." She whispered as she opened the window. She tries to get inside but her head has a hard time getting inside with her horns blocking it. She falls and shoulder-rolls forward.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!!!" She hissed.

She thought she was on high alert, but apparently not, because the infamous Nurse Pussyface tazered her right in the butthole below her tail.

"Well, if it isn't the deadbeat." The nurse snarked.

Blitza stands up after her painful taze and brushes her bare arms.

"Well, if it isn't Nurse Pussyface." Blitza countered with a bitter grin.

"You ain't getting in here!" The nurse insisted. "How many times do I have to sodomize you with this taser before you take a hint?"

Blitza brushed off her skirt. "As many as it takes to get me off! Now enough with this foreplay, where's Barb?"

"Barb? She checked out months ago! But that ain't none of your business."

"Wait, what?" Blitza blinked in surprise. "When did— Where did she go? Was she with anyone or was she alone?"

She approached the nurse, but the nurse tazered the air, which made Blitza instinctively flinch back. "Yeah, like I'm gonna tell you, whore."

"...You know I kill for a living, right, bitch?"

"Ooo, I'm so fuckin' scared!" The nurse thrilled, making jazz hands. You gotta hand it to her that she's pretty fearless, not being scared of a literal assassin.

"You know what, fine! Who needs you?! I'll track my sister down by myself!" Blitza gave up and stomped her way back to the window and started climbing out.

"Blitza!" The nurse said angrily. "She's got a job now! A life! Don't fuck it up by findin' her!"

"Oh, yeah, that's nice. Why don't you take that opinion that nobody cares about and shove it right between your pussy liiiiiiips!" She finished as she lost her balance and fell from the window.

***

Moxxie and Millie are talking to a sinner client, who is a teenage boy who looks like a drowned victim. Blitza bursts open the door, now covered in bush leaves, bruises, and dirt.

"Ma'am!" Moxxie said. "There's a client here who wants to—"

Blitza marches to her office and slams the door shut.

Millie turns back to the sinner with a chuckle. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"

The sinner explained he knows a camp counsellor murdered him, but he doesn't know which one.

"Hmm." Moxxie places a finger below his chin. "We don't typically do investigations. *gestures his thumb to Blitza's office* I'll have to check with the boss."

Moxxie opened the door of Blitza's office. "Uh, pardon moi, ma'am."

Blitza was flipping her contacts through her rotary address card file. "Not now, Mox."

"Ma'am, there's a client that needs us to investigate his death, and we don't usually—"

"No tiiiime!" She hissed.

"But, ma'am, we really need the cashflow, and I was thinking maybe—"

"What part of "NO. FUCKING. TIIIIIIIME." do you not understand?!" She demanded furiously. "Just handle it yourself."

Moxxie was now surprised and confused as he points to himself. "You want me to lead? *gesturing back to his boss* On a hit?"

Blitza stops flipping her rotary card file, holding her head with one hand to stay calm. "I swear on all that is evil, Mox! If you aren't out of my office in negative—" She slams both hands on her desk— "3 SECONDS—"

"Youuu got it, ma'am!" Moxxie grabbed the doorknob and saluted his boss. Then he closes the door behind him, his face full of sunshine and excitement. He was so excited about this job that his small little iris in his pupils expands out with stars gleaming bright shine.

Moxxie returns with new conference and leans against the desk. "We'll take the case! *jabs a thumb to himself* And I'll be handling this investigation, personally."

Millie was stunned. "Honey, are you sure? What about Blitza?"

"Honey, honey, please." Moxxie lifted his chin. "Blitza put me in charge this time."

"...She did?"

Moxxie heard the disbelief coming from his wife and narrows his eyes as he looked back to her skeptically.

Millie realized her mistake and corrects her attitude. "Oh! I mean, She... she did!"

"Right!" Moxxie says cheerfully. "And this is going to be the cleanest, most well-prepped, most surgical hit we've ever had! Don't worry, sir! *points at the demon client* We'll find your killer and give him what's coming to him. And/or her... Or they."

***

Blitza checks on Barbie's profile of her social media profile, where Barbie has not made any effort to improve her profile.

"Why the fuck wouldn't she tell you where she was going?" Blitza asked the person on the phone. "I mean, did you even ask—"

Her phone vibrated, indicating another call.

"Wait, hold on, I'm getting another call..." She clicks the button to answer the other call. "Hellooooooo? Oh, good! Did you find— Really, where? Thanks, and I promise if we ever get a contract on your children, we'll make it quick and painless, byeee!"

Blitza puts her phone away and runs out of her office, passing by Moxxie and Millie with a police investigation board on the wall that has red strings all over the place that it even extends out of the board. Moxxie was studying the board intently.

"Mox... Are you sure this isn't a little... much?" Millie worried.

"It's my first lead, Mills. It has to be... perfect." Moxxie turns back to the investigation board. "Now, in front of you, you'll find a comprehensive guide to your cover persona. *slams the board* Memorize it. We've got a lot of work to do."

***

Soon Moxxie and Millie were at Camp Ivannacummore. The 2 demons hid in the bushes as they put on their disguises.

They'd traded genders. Moxxie wore an outfit resembling a girl, pink acrylic nails, a wig with pigtails that hid his horns, and some makeup. Millie wore an outfit resembling a boy, the heart tattoo on her bicep was hidden since kids don't get tattoos, her horns were hidden under a beanie, and she'd wiped her makeup off. They'd both tucked their tails into their pants.

Moxxie fixed his tube top. "Okay, Millie, one last time for safety." He switched to speaking in a girly voice. "I'm Moxxine, the hottest, most popular girl at my school, and you are?"

"Your brother, Millerd!" Millie said in a boyish voice. "I like sports and *thrusts hips* fuckin' bitches!"

"Hm, you know these kids are a bit younger than I was expecting. Maybe lose that last part."

"Check!"

"Allright," Moxxie went on in a girly voice, "I think we are ready."

But then Millie noticed something and pointed at it. "Hey, Mox! Look!"

A person wearing a coat and carrying a large sack over his back snuck past the cabins. He checks his surroundings to see if the coast was clear and then sneakily tiptoes to the bushes.

"Check out that shady-lookin' fella over there. I think that's our guy." The female imp said.

"Ahem, Millie... I hardly think pointing out the first guy you see is the proper way to conduct a—"

Millie picks up a pair of binoculars and looks right at the guy carrying the sack, obviously clear that the guy was the killer their client wanted dead.

"No, that's definitely him." She looked through the binoculars. "That bag's full of money, and drugs, and what looks like a drill one would use to poke holes in a boat."

"But- but that's all circumstantial at best! *girly voice* We need to methodically eliminate all suspects until we can be sure." Moxxie insisted.

"Now, he's lookin' around and headed into that locked boathouse we heard about. That would be the perfect place to—"

Millie notices Moxxie looking disappointed that he won't get to play his character like he'd been so looking forward to. She sighed and out the binoculars back into her backpack. "Fine, Mox. We'll do it your way."

Moxxie cheers up immediately. "With my sleuthing skills and your killer eye, we should have this wrapped up in no time. Now, *girly voice* we just have to find the kids with the most influence."

He scans the camp horizon until he spots 3 preteen girls at a table talking to each other.

"Oh... target, acquired." Moxxie adjusts his top before he proceeds to head out to meet the girls.

Millie was about to join him, but a volleyball rolls over to her.

"Hey!" Someone called, and Millie looks over to see kids playing volleyball.

"Hey!" Someone different called.

Millie grabs the ball and goes to join them.

***

At the picnic table with the 3 preteen girls, one girl is talking, one is chewing gum and watching something on her phone, and the other is listening to her friend's story.

"So, he snorted a whole line of ground-up mints, and tried to convince us he was high. Can you even believe him?" Said a girl with red hair and buck teeth (she needs to get braces).

Moxxie comes over to them, laughing obnoxiously and swaying his hips even more obnoxiously.

"Ahahahaha! Oh, that Derek! What a riot! Riight?" The male imp said in a girly voice.

"Um, who the fuck are you?" Asked the red-haired girl.

"I'm Moxxine, I'm the prettiest girl at my school, and all the boys want me. My favorite coloooooour is hot pink. Because normal pink is sooo... basic. I like horses, puppies, fast cars, jewelry, and I got my first period last year, and it was sooo heavy! I guess I'm just more mature than your typical preteen."

Moxxie sits down at the picnic table and leans toward the red-haired girl with a wide grin. "So, you wanna be frieeends?"

The girls stare at him. The red-haired one looks at Moxxie from head-to-hooves and notices he is a digitigrade. "The fuck is wrong with your legs?"

Moxxie was taken aback. "Wha- Um Oh! um-uh.... I was in an accident?"

Why did I have to be born as the breed of imp who has fucked-up legs? He wondered in frustration.

"The same accident that fucked up your skin? You look like you spent 3 years in a tanning bed." Said a girl with dark brown hair, braces, and a thick Spanish accent.

[A/N: Give me an hours-long ASMR video of this girl just yapping. Please. Idc that she's a rude little shit, I just wanna hear that accent some more. It scratches my brain juuuuuuust right 😌]

"It's uhhhhh.... natural?" Moxxie tried.

"Ahah! Yeah, you wish. That botch job looks like it cost 5 bucks in an alley behind Walmart!" The red-haired girl said.

The brown-haired girl stood up. "Get lost, you fucking freak!"

Moxxie stands up, obviously hurt and turns to the girls. "But, I-eeeh...."

The girls all stand up and point in the direction for him to leave. When they looked over to the volleyball court, they notice a new person playing in the field. In the girl's visions, they see the disguised Millie as a new hot boy on the block as she flips her dark hair.

"Oh my God! Who is that?!"

"Look how beautifully tan he is."

Moxxie, completely shocked that the kids seemed to be liking Millerd more than they like Moxxine, came to stare at his disguised wife as well. "WHAAAAT?!"

Millie ran to catch the volleyball "I GOT IT!" She said in a boyish voice. She smacks the ball so hard that a boom echoed in the air before it rockets right into one of the camper's face.

Lifeguard Dude looked up at Millie. "That was... The best spike I've ever seen!"

The campers cheer on for Millie and lifted her up on their shoulders.

"Please, I need medical attention." The injured boy said weakly.

Lifeguard Dude turns to the boy with a scowl. "First Aid is for winners!"

While the campers take Millie away, the mean girls were looking at Millie with admiration in their eyes by Millie's incredible athletic skills.

"Oh my God! He is so fucking hot!" The redhead swooned, fanning herself.

"Oh!" Moxxie smiled, hoping this was another chance to impress the mean girls. "Ya know, he's my brother."

"FUCK OFF, TROLL!" The brown-haired girl yelled.

Apparently they didn't believe a handsome, cool guy like Millerd could possibly be related to a freaky girl like Moxxine.

***

Blitza enters one of the pharmaceutical stores where Barbie is supposedly working at.

"Hi." Blitza held up her phone to show a pic of Barbie. "I'm lookin for one of your employees, her name is Barbie-Wire Buckzo... but I'm not sure if she still uses that last name or she's dropped it like I have. Does she work here?"

The Pharmacist frowned. "Wait, what? Who are you?"

Blitza, now pissed, grabs the pharmacist by his collar and pulls him over the desk before slamming him hard against the wall. She growls out her frustration and slams him again to show she has no time for any more excuses.

"Someone who's gonna get reeeal creative if you don't tell her what she wants!"

Using her tail, she slaps the pharmacist repeatedly. The fact she has 3 piercings in her tail didn't help the pharmacist's case, as her metallic piercings left bruises on his cheeks.

"Where is she, fucknut? I know you know! It only gets worse from here, asshole!"

Her piercings rattle loudly, each slap getting harder and more painful, until the pharmacist gives up.

"Okay! Okay! She's out on a pickup!"

Blitza brings him close to her face as she narrows her eyes at the frightened pharmacist. "Where?"

***

Millie runs an obstacle course. One of the campers had his phone out, livestreaming the whole thing. They all cheer when she reaches the end.

Millie emerges head-first with eyes the same as Moxxie when he was excited for his first solo mission, her iris swelled in her pupils with stars gleaming bright shine. She was overjoy with her increasing popularity.

"Mox! Did you see? I broke the record on the course!" She announced as she ran over to her husband.

"Mhmm. I saw." He said begrudgingly.

Millie was so absorbed by her popularity that her eyes grew big and bright. "Can you believe this? Everyone loves me, they're cheering. They even posted videos of me online. Look!"

Millie takes out her phone to show Moxxie the Instagram story of her performance. Hearts keep liking her story as it increased her popularity. Moxxie was aghast of how Millie was the only one who gets the likes while he only gets the scowl.

Millie then starts singing "Regular Joe", in which the lyrics appear at the bottom of the screen. As she sung, a female camp counselor begs her for a selfie, and offers her a 3-tier cake that she baked. Girls constantly follow her around like ducklings wherever she goes.

Moxxie leaned against a cabin's outer-wall, arms crossed. Millie came over with a bouquet.

"Ooh, Moxxie! That was so fun! No wonder you sing all the time!"

Unlike Millie, Moxxie was more annoyed that Millie isn't making any effort to solve their case.

"Not exactly low profile..." Moxxie criticized.

"I know... but it's kinda nice having people cheer for me for once, ya know? Instead of screaming in pain and horror!" Millie said, ripping the bouquet in half.

Moxxie approaches Millie. "Don't forget what we're here to do, Millie."

"I haven't. I'm just waitin' until you're ready... Have you been able to eliminate any suspects?"

Moxxie scowled. "No, of course not. I can't get anything from anyone because they're too busy swooning over you."

Millie pulled out a pair of knives and started towards the cabins. "If you want we can go off the guy right now! I think he's alone in the cabin—"

Moxxie grabbed her and pulled her back. "No! I have to do this right." He insisted.

The girl rolled her eyes and puts the knives away. "I'll tell you what... Why don't you try winning them over with something you're good at like I did? How about your music? Oh! I can even help you since they already love me!"

Moxxie cheered up at that idea. "Yeah... yeah! *in a girly voice* That just might work."

***

When the sun went down, Moxxie and Millie sit by a campfire.

"Ya'll wanna hear a song?!" Millie asked in a boyish voice.

"Yeeeah!" The crowd cheered.

"Allright! I know you all like me, but Moxxine is the real deal, y'all!" Millie pulled Moxxie up and twirled him around playfully. "Let him-heeeeer tell ya all about it! Mox!"

"Thank you." Moxxie said, then cleared his throat and began to sing.

Moxxie: ♫ "Oh, everybody look at me! ♫"

"♫ I'm the greatest ♫"

"♫ It's plain to see ♫"

"♫ That all you losers wish that you could be like me ♫"

"♫ But, ya cant ♫"

"♫ Cause I'm a work of art ♫"

"♫ Yeah, I'm hot shit ♫"

"♫ So pretty and smart♫"

Moxxie leapt into the fire and the campers squealed in horror, thinking it was some crazy suicide attempt. They were even more speechless with horror when Moxxie emerged completely unscathed except for his makeup running.

He approached 2 girls, who shrank away in confused horror.

As his song ended, Moxxie finds everyone is drawn to Millie's banjo playing, and when she finishes playing, the crowd cheers as Moxxie runs off in tears.

Later, Millie approaches an outhouse where Moxxie is crying uncontrollably.

"Moxxie? You okay?"

"Go away!"

Millie's eyes widened, surprised as he'd hardly ever said those words to her. "Moxxie, what's goin' on?"

"Nothing! It's... It's just my time of the month!"

"Honey... you don't understand what us girls go through on our time of the month."

"I just wanna go home." Moxxie admitted.

Millie placed her hand on the outhouse door. "Hey, big guy. I know you can do this! You're the best assassin/musician/preteen girl I know."

Moxxie peeks out of the outhouse. "A-and investigator?"

"And investigator." The girl smiled. "Look, I know it's been tough. Just keep playing to your strengths, you have all week to get it right."

Moxxie exits the outhouse. "Okay... thank you." He kissed Millie. Fortunately no-one was around to see.

***

On Tuesday, Moxxie climbed up a tree with a pair of binoculars to scope out the camp.

"Hey, you!" Someone called from below.

Moxxie looked down to see a woman with tan skin and dark brown hair in pigtails. She was glaring up at him, hands on her hips.

"Get down from there! What are you even doing up there?!" She called.

Moxxie came down. As he got a closer look at the angry-looking girl, he saw she had a tattoo on her forehead and it looked exactly like the tattoo Blitza had only it was scratched out by an X.

"Hey, where'd you get that tattoo? My boss has one exactly like—"

"Listen, kid." The girl interrupted. "Me and my— boyfriend, I guess— we were gonna meet here by this tree and discuss some important business, so think you could go use your binoculars somewhere else?"

"Hey, I'm doing important business too!" Moxxie snapped. "Business that a human woman like you would never even—"

"Barbie!" Jimmy called as he raced over to her with a bag in his hand. "I'm here, and I brought the stuff you asked for—"

"Shhhh!" Barbie covered Jimmy's mouth. "Don't say it out loud, idiot!"

"Sorry. Who's this guy?" Jimmy asked, looking at Moxxie.

"Nobody. But this spot is taken, so let's go someplace we can have some alone time~" Barbie put her hands on Jimmy's shoulders and pressed her body closer to his. Jimmy looked down at Barbie's breasts in awe.

"Anything for you, Barb." He said lazily, allowing her to lead him away.

Barbie rolled her eyes as she led Jimmy away. She was only having sex with this loser for the drugs.

***

On Wednesday, Millie expertly rowed a canoe. Moxxie saw Barbie yelling at Jimmy, then she grabbed Jimmy's wrist and dragged him into the boathouse.

Curious, Moxxie swam through the lake to follow them, but a shark attacked him before he could see what Barbie and Jimmy were up to.

***

On Thursday, Moxxie saw Barbie and Jimmy together most of the time. Barbie was always bossing Jimmy around, barking orders at him that he seemed a little hesitant to obey. But with one flirty wink, or one shake of her ass or tits, Jimmy melted into a puddle and obeyed Barbie's every command.

Moxxie hid in the bushes and tried to follow them once again, but a bear attacked him.

***

After a painful week with no results, on Friday, the Lifeguard Dude told Millie very exciting news. The girl runs over to her husband, who is getting out of his tent which has "Bitch" spray-painted on it. He sits down by his burned-out campfire and stretched his digitigrade feet before Millie comes.

"MOX! MOX!" She squealed as she ran toward him. "You'll never believe it! They want me to perform on stage tonight for the local news! Those videos have made me some kind of human celebrity!"

Moxxie has had enough of Millie overshadowing him and getting the attention, so he takes his frustration out on her over their incompetence of working on the job.

"All week it's been "Oh look at Millerd! Isn't he great?" "Oh, look how talented Millerd is!" We have a job to do, and you're off dancing for views! Why does it matter so much how these yokels feel about you?"

Millie's smile faded, disappointed that Moxxie wasn't being happy for her.

"It doesn't. It matters how I feel about myself. And for once, I feel like... like I'm important. Like I'm someone to be proud of..."

Moxxie scoffed. ""Something to be proud of"?"

"Moxxie, I grew up with 4 siblings! Ma and Daddy liked me and all, but they didn't give me much attention. My siblings were often more talented than I was and they got more attention than I did, from our parents AND other people we hung out with. This is the 1st time I'm the centre of attention."

Millie wipes her face and comes over to shove the paper on his chest. "And I had hoped that my husband would be there to support me half as much as I've supported him this week!"

Millie turns her back against her husband. Moxxie was now guilty that not only was he a terrible husband, but he also made his wife cry. "Millie, I didn't mean—"

"Save it, Mox!" She snapped, making him flinch. "You could've finished that job any time if you had just listened to me, but you wanted to do things your way. So, fine. Finish the job, go home if you want to - But I'm gonna have my moment with or without you!"

Millie throws the pamphlet away before Moxxie tries to snag the paper in his hand. He tried to run after Millie and apologize, but he ends up getting tangled in the tent's ropes and it wraps him up.

"Oh, crumbs..."

***

This past week, Blitza had been sleeping in her car as she drove/walked around tirelessly to find her stupid sister. She had interrogated several demons to make them give her information. Hell, she even had to sell out her body to one man to make him give her info once (at least that man gives a decent fuck).

But it was paying off. Blitza has finally come to a demon who was told to be selling access to the human world and catches him by the throat. She shoves the dealer against the wall with a very angry face.

"It's here man, I swear!" The dealer cries.

Blitza takes out her signature pistol and puts it under his chin. "Open it!"

The dealer did what he was told and takes out an Asmodean Crystal, a crystal that has access to Earth. Blitza was shocked that such a thing existed in the black-market. The dealer shoots a beam behind Blitza and a crystalmirror portal opens up.

Blitza looked at the portal and smirked. "Thanks, chump."

She throws the dealer into a nearby dumpster before doing a series of backhand springs to enter the portal. She lands in Camp Ivannakummore, unaware she's at the same place as M&M. She keeps herself low to the ground as she goes to keep searching.

***

A stage was setup by the camp counselors to let Millie perform live. But the imp girl was still thinking about her fight with Moxxie, how wrong it felt since the two of them never fought. Never.

All she really wanted was to go talk to him and make things right, and then do this performance, but she knew she couldn't keep the audience waiting.

"You ready to go on, champ?" Lifeguard Dude asks.

"I guess...?" Millie said in a boyish voice.

"Good, now get out there and out Camp Ivannakummore on the Map!" Lifeguard Dude grinned.

As the cheers grew louder, Millie tried to cheer up. She came onstage with her best smile, but it was only a grimace when she looked around for Moxxie in the crowd. Her heart sank when she didn't see him anywhere.

Is he really that mad at me? God, how can other people STAND fighting with their partners?!? She wondered.

But then the stage lights turn off and then Moxxie's voice echoes in the microphone as smoke puffs around the stage and the hidden trap door opens with a spotlight shining on it.

"Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Are you ready for a shoooow?!?" Moxxie announced in a girly voice.

The crowd were shocked and pissed off to see him onstage.

"GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE!" A girl shouted.

"KILL YOURSELF, NERD!" The red-haired girl yelled.

Unlike before, Moxxie doesn't give a flying fuck about their nastiness. This is not about his popularity, it's about Millie's.

"I am very proud to introduce to you someone with abilities never before seen on this Earth. Someone with the raw athletic skill of an Olympian." As he went on, his voice turned back to normal. "The voice of an angel. The acrobatic technique of an indentured 12-year-old Russian ballerina. And a body that - JUST. DOESN'T. QUIT."

Millie nervously motioned for her husband to dial it down a notch. The campers were starting to cringe, wondering why a pair of "siblings" were speaking to each other this way.

Moxxie cleared his throat and continued. "The best, and most supportive person I've ever known and the love of my life. My wife— *girly voice* Brotheeeeer... Millerd!"

Moxxie comes to her and hands her the microphone.

"Thank you..." Millie smiled at him softly. She wanted so badly to kiss him, but she didn't want to confuse the kids even more.

"Knock 'em dead, baby!" Moxxie cheered.

"Speaking of..." Millie nods to the other direction and Moxxie turns over to see Jimmy and Barbie-Wire heading to the boathouse.

"You sure?" The imp boy asked.

Millie nuzzles her head to his to assure Moxxie to finish the job. "Go get'em, baby."

Moxxie left and headed into the bushes. He saw the door to the boathouse was only a crack open. He was about to enter it, but out of nowhere, Jimmy let out a battle cry and whacked Moxxie over the head with a boat paddle.

"Ack!" Moxxie yelped as he landed flat on his back. That had been a hard hit, and right now he was seeing stars.

Jimmy towered over Moxxie, the paddle still in hand. He raised it up high to whack Moxxie again, intent on just beating him until it killed him. But he was stopped by a hand grabbing his arm.

"Wait wait wait!" Barbie-Wire cried. "This kid, he's... I think he's a fucking imp."

"He's a what?" Jimmy asked.

Moxxie groaned in pain before blacking out.

***

Moxxie woke up and blinked his eyes. He was inside the boathouse, sitting on a boat which floated in the shallow water. He tried to get up but his hands were tied behind his back.

"I was kinda thinking about it before. The red skin, the way his feet look like hooves... I just didn't want to believe it." Barbie-Wire ranted.

"Barb, I'm confused. What the fuck is an imp? Is that another term for "crossdresser"?" Jimmy asked.

"No, idiot. An imp is a species of demon!"

"A... species of demon?"

"HEY, ASSHOLES!" Moxxie shouted at Barbie and Jimmy. "Untie me right now!"

"Oh good, you're awake!" Barbie smirked, coming over to the boat Moxxie was sitting in.

"Look, missy!" Moxxie said. "I don't know why exactly you're teaming up with this counsellor guy, but I don't have any beef with you! Just untie me and I don't have to pull you into this! I— oof!"

He was cut off by Barbie getting into the boat with him and slamming his face into the boat's deck.

"Yeah, not happening." She said coolly. "I got some questions for you, buddy. I can see that you're not a preteen human girl, you're an imp. And I know that because I'm an imp too."

"Wait, what?!" Moxxie's eyes widened.

"Yup. But unlike me, you're not wearing a proper human disguise. And because of that, I assume you don't have a license to come to the living world."

"I... I have a license." Moxxie lied.

"Well then, let's see it." Barbie challenged.

"It's in my tent. If you'd be so kind to just let me go for a moment, I could— Ahh! Fuck!"

Barbie twisted Moxxie's arm behind his back, her face in a furious snarl. "You don't have a license or an Asmodean Crystal! You're coming here illegally! You work for that drug dealer I robbed, don't you?! You work for him! HE SENT YOU HERE TO KILL ME!"

"Look, lady!" Moxxie yelled. "I don't work for any drug dealers! Yes, I'm here on a hit mission, but it's not for you! It's for your little friend here!"

"Wait, Jimmy? You're here for Jimmy?" Barbie asked. "Well, tough luck! He's my business partner so you're not touching him!"

"I didn't stay in the living world for a whole fucking week just to hear that!" Moxxie snapped, thrashing around to get free from the ropes.

Barbie pulled a pocketknife from her dress, grinning maliciously. Moxxie froze in horror.

Jimmy was also getting nervous that they were going too far. "B-Barb, maybe we shouldn't—"

"Oh don't worry about a thing, Jimmy." Barbie kept grinning down at Moxxie. "I'm not gonna kill this little shit, I'm just gonna give him a lesson in manners."

Since Moxxie's hands were already behind his back, Barbie grabbed his left hand. She looked down at his acrylic nails.

"You did a really good job of giving yourself a manicure here." She mocked. "Wanna give these pretty pink nails a goodbye kiss?"

"Get off me!" Moxxie grunted, thrashing around but he was trapped.

Barbie put the pocketknife on Moxxie's index finger and started to cut him, blood slowly seeping out—

BANG! The boathouse door was kicked open with a loud slam. Blitza stood there, completely appalled when she saw her twin sister torturing her employee.

"Barbie!"

Barbie froze in place. "BLITZ?!"

Then Blitza turned to her employee. "Moxxie, what the fuck are you doing here?!"

"I... I'm finishing up the job you gave me!" Moxxie explained.

"You're still working on that job?! It's been like a fucking week! This is why I don't trust you with dick, Mox!"

"Wait, how do you know this crazy bitch?" Moxxie asked, gesturing up at Barbie.

"How do I know her? She's my sister, fuckface!" Blitza smacked her forehead.

Barbie got out of the boat to stomp over to Blitza. Blitza noticed Moxxie was still struggling to get free, so she quickly went over to him and sliced through his restraints with the pocketknife Barbie had dropped. Moxxie rubbed his chaffed wrists as he followed his boss out of the boat.

***

Onstage, Millie made a "handsome dude" face at the audience and they all cheered.

***

Blitza and Moxxie stood across one side of the boathouse while Barbie and Jimmy were on the left. Barbie stared at them with narrowed eyes while Blitza and Moxxie were doing the same thing, but their arms crossed as if she's such a disappointment.

"What the fuck are you doing here, shithead?" Barbie asked her estranged twin sister.

"I should be asking you the same thing! You check yourself out of rehab, no call, no note, and I have to track you down to this shithole with... Who the fuck is this?" She gestured to Jimmy.

Jimmy waved at Blitza before Barbie shoved her hand on his face. "No-one! He works for me. And who's the little twink here?"

Before Moxxie could retort to Barbie about being called a twink, Blitza does the same thing and shoves her hand in front of his face. "No-one... He works for me."

"Ma'am, that guy's the target!" Moxxie informed.

Blitza's eyes widened at what a coincidence this is. "Oh, shit, Barb! Looks like your little boy toy got himself into some trouble." She smirked.

"The little twink told me he was here to kill Jimmy, but why? What did Jimmy ever do?" Barbie demanded.

"He killed our client, and now our client wants to kill him back." Moxxie explained.

Barbie turned to Jimmy angrily. "You fucking what?!"

Jimmy shrugged. "He found out about your drugs."

Barbie waves her hand dismissively. "I don't want to fucking hear it, kid. *points at Blitza and Moxxie* Look, you're not killing my supplier!"

"Oh, fuck... supplier of what?" Blitza asked worriedly. "You're not back on that H-8, are you?"

"Fuck, no! It's just heroin." Barbie rolled her eyes.

Blitza exhaled in relief. "Oh, thank Satan."

***

"So now you're peddling heroin? What's the point? That shit barely gets rid of a headache." Blitza said.

"It's honest work, okay? And I thought it would be sure to keep me as far away from you as possible." Barbie snapped.

"And you teamed up with genius here because...?" Moxxie narrowed his eyes.

"Do you have any idea how easy teenage humans are to manipulate?" Barbie asked.

"Heeey! No, I'm not!" Jimmy snapped, crossing his arms.

Barbie turned her head. "Oh, Jimmy-wimmy, can you pwease keep loading up deez druggie-wuggies for me?" She lifted her ass up and gave her ass a wiggle.

"Heh. Sure, Barb. Whatever you say." Jimmy went back to load the heroin on the boat while Barbie smiles evilly.

Moxxie's had enough. He no longer cared if this was Blitza's sister. "Ma'am... I've spent a week on this. I'm finishing it, one way or another..."

He twirled his knife and approached Jimmy, but Barbie steps between them with a snarling growl and ferocious glare bearing down at Moxxie. Her human eyes glows in the dark with vicious killer intent. "Don't you dare!"

***

Fireworks went off from Millie's performance. As the others were distracted by the fireworks, Moxxie pounced on Jimmy with his knife. But Barbie caught Moxxie with her tail before throwing him over and into the water.

Barbie clicked on her Asmodean Crystal to revert back to her demon form. "Come on, Blitza." She turned to her estranged twin sister. "Haven't you fucked my life up enough already?!"

"I don't wanna fuck up your life! I wanna save it!" Blitza shouted. "Barb, you're doing this to yourself and I came here to HELP you!"

Moxxie climbs out of the water to stab Jimmy. However, Barbie's tail wraps around him again and pulls Moxxie back to Barbie. He tries to stab Barbie, but Blitza tries to break it up.

Poor Jimmy had no clue what was going on. His sexy, older girlfriend Barbie-Wire had turned into a demon, and she and 2 other demons were fighting for the chance to kill him.

Yes, Barbie had always been a little weird and she had popped up at this camp out of nowhere, but Jimmy had never expected this from her.

The demons kept on fighting. Barbie was attacking Blitza, but even when she literally strangled Blitza, the other woman refused to fight back. She had done enough bad things to Barbie, and she didn't want to keep on hurting/fighting her sister.

In the end, Moxxie was on the ground while the Buckzo twins were glaring at each other like a pair of ferocious lionesses.

A stray rocket crashes through the window and blows Jimmy's head off. The demons were splattered by his blood.

Barbie recovered from her shock first. She was furious.

"SATAN-FUCKING-DAMMIT!" She howled at the top of her lungs. "Thanks a lot, Blitza, I'm out of a job! Fuck!"

Now that she's become jobless and her day is ruined, Barbie turns around to leave. But Blitza scrambles to her feet.

"Barb, no! This is not how I thought our reunion would go, not at all! This got waaaaay out of control! PLEASE, just let me help you!"

"You're clean now, right?" Blitza smiled weakly. "Let's get pizza for dinner at your favourite place, you can tell me how you've been, and I can see if there's some way I could—"

Barbie starts cracking up and comes back over to her twin sister. "You don't fucking get it! Just cause I'm outta rehab doesn't mean I wanna see you! I never wanna see you, ever!" She jabbed a finger into Blitza's chest.

"Barbie, all I wanna do is help you kick your drug addiction." Blitza said quietly.

"Ohhoho, you think I've forgotten how I got this fucking addiction? It was all because of you! All because the stupid, stupid thing you did because you were simmering with jealousy of Fizzarollia!"

Blitza's mouth opened but she couldn't speak. Barbie's fists were clenching at her sides.

"I lost my home, I lost my mother, and I had to watch my friend get badly hurt because of a fire you caused. That's why I got lost in drugs. So don't you dare start acting like a hero."

With that said, Barbie clicks her Asmodean Crystal to make a portal back to Hell.

Blitza reached out her hand. "B-B-Barbie, please. The fire was a complete accid—"

"Next time you wanna find me, Blitza, don't!" Barbie went through the portal and slammed it shut.

Blitza just stood there and stared at the empty spot, as if expecting her twin sister to come back. Moxxie didn't completely understand the family drama between the Buckzo twins, but he came over and comfortingly put his hands on his boss's shoulders.

"Barb, it was all an accident." Blitza whispered, even though Barbie was gone.

"Ma'am, I—"

"Don't." Blitza said firmly. She gently pulled herself away from Moxxie. "Moxxie, go get your wife and let's get out of here. I am texting Lunar to open a portal for us in 5 minutes. If you and your wife are not ready by then, I am leaving you here."

Blitza walked out of the boathouse and out into the open. A pair of the mean girls were passing by, gushing to each other about "Millerd's performance". But when they saw Blitza, they forgot about "Millerd" and jumped at the chance to bully someone.

"Hey, who are you? Are you new at this camp?" The red-haired one asked.

"She gotta be new, because I would've noticed a freakshow like her." The brown-haired one snarked. "Seriously, why are you dressed like a fucking demon? This is not Halloween, edgelord!"

"And where did you get those fake horns? Probably from the pound store 'cuz they look cheap as shit. And look at your boots, oh God, they look like they were bought in the 1990s— oof!"

Blitza interrupted the red-haired girl by kicking her hard in the stomach. She fell onto her butt and moaned in pain, clutching her abdomen with both arms.

The brown-haired girl gasped, then Blitza took out her flintlock and shot the air above the girl's head. The bullet didn't touch her, but it shaved off the crown of her head and gave her a massive bald spot up there. She would have to wear hats for a few months till her hair grew back.

"Usually I wouldn't flinch about some bitches being bitches at me, but I just really had a shitty week of sleeping in my car and threatening and/or fucking people for info." Blitza grumbled.

"GET AWAY FROM US, YOU PSYCHOPATH!" The girls shrieked as they sprinted away.

Blitza sighed. "Middle school mean girls are their own type of demon."

***

Millie goes backstage and wipes off her sweat with a towel. Moxxie runs to her, covered in blood. "Looks like you did it."

"No..." Moxxie grabs Millie's hands, making her look into his eyes. "You did it. I'm so proud of you, Millie. And I'm sorry I let you down—"

Millie grabs Moxxie and lifts him up, spinning them around. "Just don't do it again, dummy."

Moxxie kisses Millie on the lips. M&M started to get horny and French-kisses each other like raw dogs. They moan and began to take their clothes off.

What they didn't know was there were cameras backstage, recording their every move and broadcasting it onto the TV screens onstage. The whole camp watched M&M from the TVs.

"Oh! Oh, yeah! Moxxie! Moxxie!" Millie moans.

She rips off Moxxie's top and bra (apparently he went the extra mile and wore a bra like a girl). They found a rhythm that made both of them aroused and starts ripping clothes one after another. Moxxie moaned her names many times as they fall down.

"Take it, Moxxie!" The imp girl cried.

***

At the office, they watched an anchorwoman talk about Millerd Realboy being caught incesting.

Millie's reputation was tarnished, but she didn't care one bit. She got a little taste of what it was like to be popular and that's all she'd hoped for. Besides, she knew it would've been impossible for a demon like her to live a life amongst humans forever.

"So, that's the culmination of your mission." Blitza told her employees. "Gonna be honest, Moxxie... Not too bad for your 1st solo mission."

Moxxie gasps before getting all glittery and then very happy that his eyes widened with cuteness, dimples smiling, and stars sparkling around him. "Reeeeeally, ma'am???"

"Yup." Blitza lied. "But a little word of advice? Next time it doesn't have to take a whole fucking week just 'cuz you want an excuse to cosplay as a 13-year-old girl!"

Moxxie turns to Millie with his smile still shining. She pats him on the shoulder in congratulations. Blitza sips from her #GIRLBOSS mug. Lunar sleeps on the desk, not bothering to stay awake long enough to hear about the mission, which is a shame because he would've laughed his ass off to hear about M&M's "incestuous"escapade.

The end

Chapter Text

"Motherfucker!" Barbie shouted as she kicked over a recycling bin. "Asshole! Bitch! Goddamn shitty motherfucking..."

She was back in Hell now, but still furious with literally everyone as she kept marching down the street.

Furious with Blitza for daring to just come back and act like the hero when she was the one who'd destroyed Barbie's life.

Furious with Jimmy for being a pain in the ass who she had no choice but to sleep with.

Furious with that crossdressing twink Moxxie for trying to assassinate her supplier.

Furious with every obnoxious kid and counsellor at Camp Ivannakumore who she had to put up with these past weeks as she pedalled heroine at the camp.

Furious with herself for getting so lost in drugs that she'd fucked up her own reputation and no-one wanted to give her employment, forcing her to do this ridiculous going-to-the-living-world business just to pay rent.

Barbie approached a street bench and the 2 teenagers sitting there quickly ran away (she's used to people avoiding her like the plague, since she gives off "filthy junkie" vibes sometimes). She plopped down on the bench and rubbed her face with both hands. Ever since the circus fire happened, she was angry most of the time, and anger really could be tiring. What she really wanted right now (other than to punch her twin sister's face in) was to talk to someone who would be nice to her.

She pulled out her phone and scrolled through her contacts list. While she had tons of numbers saved, most of them wouldn't wanna talk with her unless she's giving them a business proposal. But she was lucky enough to have one demon she believed she could go to.

She thought about giving Fizzarollia a phonecall, but she was a bit nervous to do it. So she figured she'd just go there and hope Fizzarollia would be warm to her like she normally was.

Barbie rubbed and clicked her Asmodean Crystal so a magical doorway opened up. She landed on Asmodeous's property, in the luscious garden surrounding Asmodeous's towering palace. There were a pair of hellhound guards standing by the entrance, but fortunately they remembered that Barbie was Fizz's friend and they allowed her in.

Barbie just awkwardly walked around for a minute, not sure where Fizz was. This palace was so huge. But then she asked one of the imps working there and they told her Fizz was probably still in her bedroom, so she went upstairs to the enormous bedroom Moddie and Fizz shared.

Barbie knocked on the ornate double doors. After a few moments, Moddie came over and opened the doors. Her turquoise hair was mussed and her bathrobe was slipping off her left shoulder, partly revealing those giant, fluffy boobies of hers.

Looks like I interrupted a makeout session. Barbie realized. I'd feel guilty but I'm sure these two have more than enough of those.

"Barbie-Wire!" Moddie's eyes widened and she quickly pulled the robe up to cover herself properly. "Oh, w-what a lovely surprise! Fizz, it's your friend Barbie!" She called behind her, then turned back to face Barbie. "Me and Fizz were only together because... I was just... I was just talking to her about the—"

Barbie rolled her eyes. Moddie was a forgetful idiot.

"Moddie, babe, don't waste your breath." Barbie interrupted flatly. "I already know that you and Fizz are a goddamn married couple. I literally came to your wedding, remember? I was one of the only guests at that secretive little wedding of yours."

Moddie blushed as she remembered. "Right. I'm sorry, Barbie. It's just become a natural instinct for me to insist Fizz is nothing more than my business partner when people catch us in these... these..."

"When people catch you eating each other's faces?" Barbie guessed.

"Yup." Moddie said, then she stepped aside to let Barbie come into the bedroom.

Fizz dashed over and hopped up on tiptoe to give Barbie a hug.

"Barbie! Long time no see!" The shorter imp grinned.

Barbie hugged her back, despite not having expected the hug.

"So I'm guessing you imp girlies want a minute to chat alone?" Moddie offered.

"You're the best, Moddie." Barbie smiled gratefully as the Sin of Lust walked out of the bedroom and shut the double doors.

Barbie liked Moddie and all, but she didn't know her that well, as she had never hung out with Moddie one-on-one before. She wanted privacy to talk to Fizz, so she was grateful Moddie offered it without having to be asked.

"So," Fizz began as she plopped down on the canopy bed, "I know you wouldn't come here unless something happened that made you really upset or whatever. So what was it?"

Barbie pulled over a chair and sat down across from Fizz. "I... ah, shit. Now I just realized if I tell you what happened to me, you may get a nasty flashback. You're the one who got the most hurt in that fire."

"This has to do with the fire?" Fizz asked in surprise.

"Yeah. Sorry. I hope you're comfortable to talk about it?"

"Yeah, of course I am."

In reality, Fizz still got nasty flashbacks of the circus fire when it was mentioned sometimes. But she did her best to put on a brave face, both for Barbie's sake (so she could be the listening ear Barbie seemed to want right now), and because she didn't wanna look like a pussy.

"Okay, so... I ran into Blitza earlier today."

"Fuck." Fizz said. "You know... I ran into her one time too. It was months ago, at Moddie's strip club. She was... well, I don't wanna go into details, but Moddie and I embarrassed her real good in front of the entire club."

"Oh. Good." Barbie smirked at the mental image of Blitza being publicly embarrassed. "Anyway, I was in the living world when the fucking bitch decided to show her ugly mug. She and this other guy were trying to kill my supplier Jimmy because someone hired them to do it. I did my best to protect Jimmy— not because I care about him. That kid was so annoying. But I needed his help so I don't become unemployed again. *sigh* But despite my efforts, his head got blown off by a rocket thanks to Blitza and her employee."

Fizz blinked, stunned to hear all of this.

Barbie curled her legs up and lowered her chin onto her knees. "Blitza says she came there to help me. She says she just wants to "help me kick my drug habit". But once again, her presence did nothing except fuck up my life."

"Barb, that sucks shit." Fizz came over to Barbie's chair and pulled her over to sit on the bed so they were sitting together. She sympathetically rubbed the other woman's back.

"It sucks I just got out of rehab and now I'm all on my own." Barbie lamented.

Fizz blinked. "All on your own? Uh, excuse you, what about me? I'm the one who begged and begged Moddie to give you an Asmodean Crystal so you could get a license to work in the living world!"

Barbie turned her head, cheek rested on her knees. "But we haven't even talked to each other in forever."

"I know we're not as close as we were as kids, but that's only because we have separate jobs and live in different Rings now. But we're still friends."

Barbie smiled as she remembered her childhood of living in the circus and when she, Blitza, and Fizz used to be a trio. Actually, Blitza and Fizz were closer with each other and sometimes they would make Barbie feel like a 3rd wheel, but the 3 of them still had fun together.

They thought they'd be the Circus Trio forever. But as they grew up, Blitza and Barbie started to dream about leaving the circus. Fizz never really wanted to leave, as being a jester was her burning passion, but she was always supportive of Barbie's and Blitza's fantasies to leave the circus.

But the girls always thought when they did move out of the circus, they'd remain friends, talking on the phone and visiting each other every weekend. They probably would've remained friends forever..... if the damn fire never happened.

Barbie's hands fisted on the hem of her red-and-white striped dress. "Fizz, I was wondering. I wonder about this on occasion, but seeing Blitza today reminded me... Do you ever think the fire could've been just an accident?"

Fizz sighed heavily. "Sometimes I do. Everyone knows Blitza was jealous of me, but she had never... she had never done anything to hurt me before. Hell, she was always the most PROTECTIVE of me! She'd blow her fuse at anyone who got too close to me. She even tried to teach me self-defense once or twice so I'd be safe even when she wasn't around."

"When you were in the hospital..." Barbie began. "Man, it broke my heart to watch you suffer like that. My dad was always telling us this was all Blitza's fault, she's the one we have to blame. But neither of us wanted to believe it."

"I think the only thing that made us start believing it is because Blitza never came to visit me in the hospital." Fizz reasoned. "There could be a million reasons she couldn't come, but your dad kept telling us it has to be because she doesn't care. But now that you're telling me Blitza searched so hard to find you just to help you out..." Fizz ran a cybernetic hand through her blonde-streaked hair. "Fuck it, I don't even know what to think."

Barbie lifted her head to face Fizzarollia. "But no matter what happens with Blitza, you and me will stay together, right?"

"Why would I be supporting a sad, pathetic, junkie loser like yourself if I didn't plan to stay by your side?"

Barbie laughed, emotion welling in her eyes as she realized how lucky she was to have at least one demon still by her side (or 2 demons, since Fizz and Moddie were a package deal).

"Oh, shut up." She said before hugging Fizz tightly.

The end

Chapter Text

"Is it recording?" Charlie stepped back from the video camera, turning on her cheerful persona. You'd think she's only acting so cheerful because she's on camera, but nope, that's how she normally is.

"Hi, guys! It's me, Charlie Morningstar, founder of the Hazbin Hotel!" She spread her hands above her head, using her magic to make a hologram of her hotel's logo. "Which is totally going amazing by the way, thank you for asking. Aaanyway I'm sure you are all aware of the amazing news that we have been greenlit for seasons 3 and 4 of Hazbin Hotel—"

"Hold on a sec!"

Charlie turned to see a portal opened in the wall above her. A female imp was popping her head through.

"I'm having— whoa! Ah! I'm falling! SHIT!" The imp shrieked as she lost her balance and faceplanted out of her own portal.

Charlie covered her mouth in shock as the imp landed in front of her. "Oh my gosh!" She crouched down and helped the other demon-woman get up. "Uh, are you okay, Mrs... Mrs..."

The imp groaned in pain. "Blitza, the A is silent." She flipped her half-shaved hair out of her face, then she bent backwards, cracking her spine loudly. Her eyebrows shot up when she noticed the camera recording them. "Oh. So what's all this about, hmmm?"

"Oh! I was telling everyone how exciting it is that we're getting more seasons of Hazbin Hotel!" Charlie explained, excitedly bouncing in place.

"Mm, yeah, that's good for you. But that's old news, bitch!" Blitza pushed Charlie aside and grinned as she got way too close to the camera. "Hold on to your little titties, because I'm here to announce that Helluva Girlboss is coming to Prime video! But plot twist! It's still gonna be on youtube so BAM! You thought the Hashbrown Motel was the only Hell show that daddy Amazon was horny for?! *Deeper voice* They want alllllll this!" She gestured to her body and fondled her breasts a bit.

Charlie didn't know anything about this Helluva Girlboss show, but she could tell Blitza was super thrilled about it, so she acted the same way (besides, who knows, it might be a cool show. She could give it a watch later).

"Oh my gosh, wow, that is so great! Congratulations!" Charlie cheered. "How does that work?"

"Well, Charlie, let me tell you!" Blitza rolled out a whiteboard with half-assed doodles of herself and Charlie. "Listen up, chucklefucks! Amazon is teaming up with Spindlehorse to support Helluva Girlboss's remaining seasons! Now I'm talking full fucking episodes! Full seasons! The whole sha-bang! Oh, and the best part is full creative control still rests with this bitch."

Blitza quickly scribbled in a doodle of Vivienne Medrano. "She, I guess... she made me, she made everything here. She's in charge."

"Not a bitch. Really love her!" Charlie smiled.

"Then, after a month or so of being on Prime video, it will release in its entirety on youtube." Blitza drew a TV showing the Prime logo, then erased it and drew the youtube logo instead. "So basically we get to keep doing what we're doing, but bigger!"

She grinned and pointed a finger at Charlie. "And the best part is, we get to fuck around with you guys from time to time!"

"Fuck around... how?"

"Well, do you know an Angle Dust or an—"

"Okay, okay!" Charlie interrupted. She turned back to the camera and said, "But let's just remember..."

"Animation takes a long time!" The 2 demon-women said together.

"Anyway, we can't wait to share more of the Hellaverse with you! We hope you can enjoy more seasons of........ Helluva Girlboss." Charlie spread her arms in Blitza's direction.

"And Hazbin Hotel." Blitza did the same gesture in Charlie's direction.

"Together on Prime video!" They finished together.

"Thank you all so much for getting us here... we really could not have done this without you... *exhale* I think I'm gonna cry." Charlie fanned herself with both hands as tears dotted her eyes. But to be fair, she'd always been the crying type.

"Wait, that's it?" Blitza asked. "No, no, fuck this! Let's end big!"

She rubbed her Asmodean Crystal and hopped into the portal that opened.

"Big? I thought we ended super nicely." Charlie tried.

"Fuck waiting!" Blitza insisted. She disappeared for a second, then... "Look, we got Moxxie!"

An imp was thrown into Charlie's arms. He blinked in confusion.

"And we got Millie!"

A female imp came through, smiling and waving at Charlie.

"And Lunar!"

A hellhound came through. He raised a pierced eyebrow when he saw Charlie.

Charlie sputtered. "Wait, I—!"

"Hey, Morningstar. Smile!" The hellhound flashed a toothy grin and snapped a selfie of himself and Charlie. It was so fast that Charlie didn't have time to smile or pose. But the hellhound didn't care, as he got busy posting it to Sinstagram and Snapchat. He'd probably go viral for getting a selfie with the Princess of Hell.

"And Starla!"

Starla came through. Charlie knew Starla, her being a Goetia and all. They'd met a few times. And she noted how Starla was wearing a casual outfit this time instead of her usual poofy ballgowns, and she wasn't wearing her crown.

Oh right. Starla recently lost her status for the next 100 years. Charlie remembered. Dad was complaining to me earlier about how Satan had the NERVE to make that decision without even consulting Dad first.

"Hello there, Ms. Morningstar." Starla smiled politely.

"H-Hey, Princess Starla." Charlie said back.

"And the parrot guy who said "Càntalo baby!"." Blitza went on.

Prince Vassago came through. Charlie had met him before too, him being a Goetia, so she quickly said hi to him.

"And whoever the fuck this guy is."

A moth demon flew through portal. Charlie didn't know him, and by the looks of it, no-one else knows him either.

"And we got your little girlfriend Vagina!"

Vaggie was pushed through and bumped into Charlie.

"And the cat!"

Husk was pushed through, nonchalantly sipping his beer bottle.

"Ohhhh, we're all in the same room! We're havin' a fun time! We're family now!" Blitza giggled excitedly.

Vox came through the portal.

Fizzarollia was pushed through, smoothing out her skirt with cybernetic arms. Charlie had never met Fizzarollia, but of course she's heard of her as she was the most famous jester in all of Hell.

"And the freaky red guy everyone's into!"

Alastor kept his hands behind his back and didn't flinch as Blitza pushed him through, but there was silent rage behind his smile, as he was furious with Blitza for trying to take video of him.

Charlie gasped. "Blitza, no no no! ALASTOR DOESN'T DO WELL ON CAMERA—!"

Too late. The camera glitched, then the lights shut off and Alastor's terrifying smile illuminated the camera before leaving all the demons stuck in the dark.

"Oh, for fuck's sake..." Charlie sighed tiredly, knowing it's up to her to use her own powers to fix this.

"Hang on..." Blitza took out her phone, turning on the flashlight app so the camera could see her face for one more instant. "Allright, bye!"

[ANNOUNCEMENT VIDEO ENDS]

Chapter Text

"Look at the time. Visiting hours are almost over." Starla said, although she wished more than anything her daughter could stay with her longer.

The two princesses had been watching a movie on Octavia's phone, Starla on her hospital bed and Octavia on a chair next to the bed. Cassian had been with them earlier, but Andrealphus had called him and furiously shouted at him to "get home this instant, your damn aunt isn't going to die if you leave her side!", so Cassian left and they were alone.

Octavia put the chair back against the wall and grabbed her backpack to leave. But as she moved, Starla could see how her brows knitted together and her jaw tightened.

"Via, I know that conflicted look on your face. What are you fretting over?"

"Mum, are you sure you don't know who sent the assassin after you?"

Shit, Starla thought. Octavia really did know her too well. She could tell that Starla was lying when she claimed she had no clue who sent the assassin.

Yes, Starla had told Octavia exactly what the assassin looked like and that his name was Striker, because she worried Striker might come after Octavia next, so Octavia had to know what he looked like to be prepared for him. Starla wanted to believe Stellan would never send anyone to harm their daughter, but she can never be too safe when it comes to her owlette.

But she pretended like she didn't know who sent Striker, because she didn't want Octavia to know her own father had done this. It would shock, sadden, and confuse the teenager if she learned just how awful her father was. Octavia was already going through a divorce between her parents. Sometimes Starla just couldn't resist babying Octavia and shielding her from the dangers of reality.

Apparently, Stellan had the same urge about babying and shielding Octavia, because he also didn't tell Octavia he was the one to send Striker. Maybe he did care about their daughter a tiny bit (or maybe he was just using this for his own advantage. Starla wouldn't be surprised).

"Via, it could've been anyone. Many demons dislike me. Us royals aren't always well-liked by the public, that's why I always tell you to be careful."

The younger princess narrowed her eyes. "Why do I feel like you're lying, Mum?"

"I'm not! I would never lie to you!" Except when it's for your safety.

Octavia kept glaring at her mother for a minute. Then she sighed. "I just don't want that cocksucker to send any other hitmen after you. I'm scared for you, Mum. You literally would've been murdered if it weren't for... her."

Starla smiled at the memory. "Yes, my sweet Blitzy was the one to save my life! I always knew she'd come through for me in the end!"

Octavia rolled her eyes, smiling. "Here I am, worried for your safety, and here you are, just being a hopeless romantic again."

Starla blushed and chuckled. "Sorry. I suppose this isn't the best time for that."

"Well, I should go now."

She came over, gave her mother a hug while being mindful of the IVs connected to her, kissed her forehead, then headed towards the door.

"Remember, darling, be wary of anyone wearing hideous cowboy clothes or riding a horse." The older princess reminded.

***

Starla was scrolling on her phone when someone knocked on her door. She thought it was just a nurse coming to check her vitals again, but she was surprised to see a familiar parrot-demon come in.

"Vassago? What on earth are you doing here?!"

"Decided to quit my job as a prince and sign up to work at the hospital." Vassago said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "No, I've come to visit you of course!"

Starla sat upright to face her friend. "Yes, yes, of course. Sorry, it's not that I don't want you here. I'm just surprised because your palace is quite faraway, I doubted you would come all the way out here... and I thought visiting hours were over for today?"

"They are over, but who gives a fuck what those nurses say anyways? I used my magic to distract them and just snuck past them."

Starla rolled her eyes, smiling. "Typical you."

Vassago put his hands on his hips as he surveyed Starla's wounds with an unimpressed scowl. "Sooooo.... How'd you get fucked up this good, Star?"

"Some cowboy imp with blessed ropes and daggers."

"Ugh. You really gotta work on your reflexes, Starla." Vassago scolded. "If anyone tried that shit on me, my powers would automatically shoot out and have them dead before they could even twine the blessed ropes around me. That's what I trained so hard to do."

"Very true. I have to work on my reflexes." She smiled, embarrassed. "I should've turned him into a statue immediately."

"How did you escape anyway?"

"Oh, my... friend helped me out."

"Wait, you have a friend other than me?" Vassago placed a hand on his chest and pretended to be shocked, which made Starla chuckle. "Well, what's her name? Is she a Goetia too? Have I ever met her before?"

Starla awkwardly scratched the back of her head. "Well....."

Vassago was one of Starla's only friends (she'd never been as popular amongst the Ars Goetia as Stellan was) and not that Starla didn't trust him, but she had never told him about her affair with an imp. She knew Vassago wasn't as bigoted toward lower class demons as most Goetias were, but she still didn't think she should tell him about this. She wasn't sure how he'd react. And in the rare instance he was disgusted by her affair, she didn't want to lose one of her only friends.

Fortunately she didn't have to fumble around an explanation, because Vassago moved on to a far more serious subject.

"Anyway, Starla, I gotta ask..... did that ex-husband of yours have anything to do with this assassination?"

"What? Oh, uh, no. He didn't—"

"You can tell me." The parrot-demon said.

Starla sighed. "Yes. He had something to do with it."

"Lo sabía." Vassago crossed his arms. "I knew that guy was bad news for you. I mean, it's normal for a guy to be mad about his wife filing for divorce, but to send a fucking hitman after you? You gotta report him to the Goetian court, Starla, let them deal with him."

"I... maybe later, Vassago."

""Maybe later"?" Vassago echoed, shocked. "But don't you want justice for him almost killing you?!"

Starla lowered her head and fiddled with her blanket. "I just wanna concentrate on healing so I can get out of here. I miss my palace, and I still have duties to fulfill."

Truth is, I can't report Stellan to the Goetian court because he has dirt on me too. He knows I'm letting demons use my Grimoire to go to earth without a license. That's gonna get me and Blitza in a lot of trouble if he rats us out.

"Fiiiine, okay." Vassago relented. "Concentrate on healing. Can't have one of Hell's most valuable princesses hospitalized for long. Oh, and I can see you have more than enough flowers, but I already bought some so might as well give them to you."

Vassago waved his hand and a vase of white lilies were summoned by his magic. He put them on the nightstand. While the whole room was full of flower vases, this one was Starla's favourite as it had come from him.

Starla stretched out her arms invitingly, and Vassago bent down to give her a quick hug.

"Mantente alerta, ¿de acuerdo? Something tells me that cowboy could come back to finish the job when you're still injured." The parrot prince said before opening up a portal and disappearing.

***

With the help of some night-night tea, Starla was sound asleep that night. But her 4 crimson eyes cracked open when she heard the sound of footsteps.

She noticed the window was a crack open, a breeze making the curtains flutter, but she distinctly remembered shutting it before going to bed. Starla propped herself up just slightly, eyes scanning the room. It was so dark she couldn't see much.

Another moment passed, then she saw it through the dark: A pair of horns.

Her heart skipped a beat as she realized those horns meant Striker was back to finish the job. Vassago had been right. Sitting upright, she gathered all the energy she possibly could in her weakened state and, ignoring the sharp pain in her chest, she shot it outwards at him.

"STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

Striker grunted as he was pushed backwards by the blast of magic from Starla's talons. He slammed into the wall and landed flat on his face.

Starla scooted closer to the nightstand and desperately felt around the surface of it. Using even a small portion of magic pained her, so there's no way she could handle Striker if he still had those angelic weapons. Where was the nurse call button?! She had to call for help.....

"Ow, my fucking back!"

Starla froze. That wasn't Striker's voice.

She turned on the lamp and shined it at the demon she'd just slammed into the wall. She gasped and covered her beak when she realized those horns didn't belong to Striker, they belonged to Blitza.

"Oh, Blitzy! I'm so sorry!" The owl-demon yelped.

Blitza got up, rubbing her back in pain. "Ugh, I'm gonna have a bruise back there. But good to know your powers are getting better, which means you're getting better."

"I didn't mean to— I— Darling, I'm so sorry!" Starla kept gushing. She felt even worse when she noticed that she'd slammed Blitza so hard there was a crack in the wall.

"Don't sweat it, Starla, honestly." Blitza reassured as she came over to the bed and pulled up a chair to sit on. "Also, thanks a fucking million for camping out on the top floor. I almost fell to my death climbing all the way up here!"

"Sorry, they put me up here without asking. The top floor IS mostly for royalty and rich demons." Starla explained.

"Yeah, I figured." Blitza replied. "Anyway, how're you holding up? You look a bit better than last time I saw you."

"I'm fine. But I... I didn't expect you to come." Starla confessed. "That time when I texted you to come over, you didn't respond so I just assumed..."

Blitza twisted her lips, looking ashamed. "I know. I was a pussy and didn't know how to respond to you. But I'm here now, babe."

Starla reached out to hold Blitza's hand and squeeze it. She was beyond happy that her previous thoughts of "she loves me, she loves me not" had been falsified. Blitza drove all the way to the Wrath Ring to save her from Striker, and now she'd come to visit her in hospital.

She dared to hope that Blitza did return her feelings.

The imp chuckled. "This is literally the 1st time I've come to visit you and you aren't begging me to fuck you."

"Oh, I do wish to be intimate with you. But it would be a bit difficult with me being connected to these IVs and my arm and leg in a cast."

"Yeah, no, we shouldn't fuck right now." Blitza agreed. "But as a treat, I'll come to your palace and scissor you raw the moment you get outta here. *winks* When is that, anyway?"

"Being a Goetia, I heal faster than most. I'll be out soon. Then I'll be back home with you and Via."

"Good, good." Blitza smiled as she brushed a feather out of Starla's eyes. "Your eyes are a lot less dull now."

"You're the reason I still have my eyes, Blitzy. Striker was about to carve them out before you got there." Starla chuckled breathlessly. "You saved me."

"Well, you saved me from the DHORKS agents. Guess now we've both gotten a chance to be each other's "knight in shining armour"."

"Anyway," Starla went on, "this hospital's not too bad. Although it's hard for me to fall asleep in here. I suppose that's a problem most people get when they're away from home."

"Oh, perfect. Then I guess this will help you out."

Blitza went and got a box (which had fallen from her grip when Starla slammed her into the wall), then sat back down and gave it to Starla. The owl-demon opened it to find 2 gifts: a basket of fruit, and a downy blanket.

"You brought me some fruit." She commented.

"I know how nurses put you on a diet. Hide this box under the bed and you can enjoy some nice yummy fruit for a week or so when they're not looking."

Starla laughed at the other woman's rebellious suggestion. "Thank you, Blitzy. And this blanket... is this your blanket from home?"

"Yeah! It has my scent all over it, so even though I can't cuddle with you, it should help you out."

"Oh, Blitzy, this is..." Starla sniffed the blanket and the tension visibly left her body. Yup. That was Blitza's scent. "But don't you need this to be warm at night?"

Blitza shrugged. "Nah, I can sleep cold for a while. I'll just take it back from you later."

"You are so, so sweet." Starla told her.

"I am, aren't I?" Blitza bragged playfully. "I'd gladly spend the night sleeping on your floor, but the nurses will probably boot me out if they find out I snuck in. I better go."

"Okay." The princess agreed. "I'll see you later, darling."

Blitza cupped Starla's chin, giving her a kiss, then climbed back out the window.

The end

Chapter Text

A Sinner came into Blitza's office where she'd been brushing her hair.

"Hey, you're the chick who kills humans, right? Good, cuz I've been holding a grudge against this asshole for 74 years and you have to help me kill him."

"That's me." Blitza put down the hairbrush and leaned forward in interest. "What did this guy to do you? Something diabolical and terrible, I assume, for you to hold a grudge that long."

"He stole my crush in high school!"

Blitza blinked. "He... what?"

"That's right." The Sinner went on. "Me and Frank used to be friends... not best friends or anything, just kind of friends since we were in the same classes... but we were both in love with the same girl. She was perfect, I tell you. Pretty, smart, friendly. Frank told me he didn't want to do any dirty fighting over this girl, he wanted to play fair and let her choose whoever she liked best. He said he'd respect her wishes if she chose me, and I should respect her wishes if she chose him. But then she chose him, and Frank just took her and got hitched to her! I did my best to convince the girl she was making a mistake, but she didn't listen, she said she would choose Frank over me any day."

But isn't it HER decision who she wants to be with? You can't force her to love you. Blitza thought, but she didn't interrupt her client.

"I never got over that girl. And I never stopped hating Frank for stealing her. Sure, I dated other girls and I even got married, but nobody could compare to my 1st love. I want— no, I need— Frank to pay for what he's done."

"So..." Blitza began, "you're asking me to kill this Frank guy because some skank you liked in high school chose him over you?"

The Sinner sighed. "Listen, I know this is probably the most petty reason you've ever had to assassinate someone—"

""The most petty reason"? Hah!" Blitza cackled. "Don't worry, brother, a while ago I had to assassinate a girl called Emberlynn because she wrote a fanfiction which got surprisingly popular about 2 characters who most people don't ship. And the TV show ended 5 years ago, but the other girl was still holding a grudge against her for it. That was fucking petty! This is... well, I wouldn't call it a good reason, but you're willing to pay, right?"

"Of course I am."

Blitza picked up her flintlock and cocked it. "As long as you're willing to pay, who cares? I'll take out this girl-stealer for you."

"Thanks!" The Sinner smiled. "Full name is Frank Wrigglers. He works at Hugging Dove Charity, and he runs a TV show for young children."

"Got it." Blitza said. "Just let me grab my employees and I'll go."

She exited her office, but then she remembered M&M were busy and didn't come to work. But Lunar was sitting at his desk. Blitza grinned.

"Lunie! Guess what? You're coming with me on a mission!"

The hellhound looked up from his phone, confused. "What? Why?"

"Come on, let me grab another gun for you and let's go!"

She got another gun, then grabbed Lunar's arm and pulled him into a portal. They came out in the living world, next to a building.

"Allright Lunie, today we're dealing with a children's "entertainer". Goes by... Mr. Wrigglers."

"Oh, I hate that sunshine and rainbows shit. These guys always turn out to be sickos." Lunar looked around, disgusted. "Where are we? His 3rd world sex resort? His slave-cult compound?"

Then Lunar notices the sign with an inscription "Hugging Dove Charity for Dying Orphans and Injured Puppies".

Blitza shrugged. "I just thought he would be really easy to kill, y'know? And then we could have the whole rest of the day for mommy-son time!"

"Ugh. Fine." Lunar activates his human disguise and marches past Blitza, going toward the entrance.

"Okay, you go on and I'll just sneak in." Blitza climbs a wall like a lizard, entering through a window.

Lunar enters the building, then walks into a hallway labelled "Administration". He finds Mr. Wrigglers' door. He expects it to be locked and he'll have to kick it open, but.....

"Holy shit, that was just unlocked."

"Well, of course! My door's always open to a new friend."

A middle-aged man (Lunar thought he was middle-aged but he'd soon be proved wrong) with curly red hair and matching beard was sitting at the vanity, putting on powder.

Mr. Wrigglers walked over to Lunar. "Would you happen to be an orphan?"

"Wh— Am I a what?"

"An orphan."

Lunar blinked, thinking about his biological mother who was dead now. Was Mr. Wrigglers a mind reader?

"Y-yeah, actually I am. How did you—"

"From the charity event!" Mr. Wrigglers gestures to a poster.

"Oh! Uh. Yes." Lunar awkwardly clears his throat. Okay, so he's not a mind reader.

"Well, isn't that just a wonderful thing that makes you special? What can I do to brighten up your day?"

Lunar aimed his gun. "Yeah, you can cut the Santa Claus shit, I actually came to kill you."

"Oh heavens... These Wish-a-Wish things sure have gotten mighty extreme. Well, if that would make you happy, you're more'n welcome. Anything for an orphan." He bowed down.

Lunar was stunned by Mr. Wrigglers's willingness to be killed just to make an orphan happy. The older man wasn't even trying to fight back, so Lunar could've easily just pulled the trigger. But his hand holding the gun started to shake.

But luckily he didn't have to do it, because Blitza shrieked as she fell in from the air vent.

"She's an orphan too." Lunar said quickly. "She has... fucking... red-itis."

Blitza was dressed like a child. She wore a purple suspender-dress with stars on the skirt, a darker purple sweater, a snapback hat to make it look like her horns were just part of the hat, and her 3 necklaces and spiky bracelets were removed. Her tail was tucked into her dress.

Mr. Wrigglers bent down to Blitza's level. "Oh hello there, special friend!"

"Hi." Blitza told him, then turned back to her son. "Lunar, what's the- what's the deal here? Were you waiting on me?"

"I was just waiting for you, Blitza." Lunar turned to Mr. Wrigglers. "You want to get comfortable, or any last requests?"

"Oh, I- I wouldn't want to be a bother! Given your limited time left on this earth I'd like you to enjoy it."

Lunar sighed. "We might have a sec. What is it?"

"I just wanna say goodbye... to my children."

"I think we can swing that." Lunar said.

At the same time, Blitza said, "The red-itis will probably kill me by then." She turned to Lunar in shock. "Wait, what?!"

"That's very kind! Thank you." The older man said.

"Lunar, what in Satan's sphincter has gotten into you?" Blitza demanded.

Lunar shrugged, his head lowered. "I don't know! Would it really be the worst thing to let a dad spend some time with his kids?"

"That's what I'm saying, he's being a total dick!" Blitza points a finger at Mr. Wrigglers, but then looks at Lunar and notices he's frowning with his head lowered down, his greyish hair hiding his face.

Blitza groaned. "Fine." Then she glared at Mr. Wrigglers. "Just make it quick, you shrivelled nutsack."

***

Mr. Wrigglers led the 2 demons into his car.

"Okay! One of my daughters lives not far from here!" He said cheerfully.

Blitza opened the door of the passenger seat, but Mr. Wrigglers blocked her with his arm.

"Hold on there, special friend. I think you're a little too young to ride in the front."

Blitza rolled her eyes and harshly pushed his arm aside so she could sit down. "I'm dying of red-itis, dude! Let me ride in the front at least once!"

"Okey-dokey, then." Mr. Wrigglers got in the driver seat and started the car. "So, special friend, what song would you like to listen to as we drive?"

"Whatever song gets us to your children's houses the fastest."

Mr. Wrigglers turned to Lunar, who sat in the backseat. "You wanna pick a song?"

"How about a song by the band 'Fuck You, Mom'?" Lunar asked.

Mr. Wrigglers cringed. "That band might be a little inappropriate for our younger  audience here."

Lunar started typing on his phone again. "Fine, put whatever song you want."

Of course, Mr. Wrigglers chose some music for preschoolers. They had to listen to preschooler music the whole time they drove around the city.

As he said bye to his children, Lunar and Blitza stood a few meters away and scrolled on their phones the whole time (Mr. Wrigglers didn't bat an eye at the fact Blitza had a phone, because these days kids are having their own phones and ipads at only 3 years old).

Lunar was patient and didn't mind letting the older man take all the time he wanted, but Blitza looked annoyed and so done with this.

As Mr. Wrigglers closed the door of his last child, Blitza realized how many houses they'd been to and she lost her patience.

"Allright, I'm not buying it!" She snapped. "There's no way this many women dropped their panties for a man who makes a living by teaching the ABC's to puppets."

Mr. Wrigglers laughed. "Oh! No! No, no- I've been happily married for 74 years to my very 1st sweetheart. And I exclusively and regularly perform oral sex on her. She gets more pleasure that way, so I much prefer it to intercourse."

Lunar snorted. "So you're the perfect father and the perfect husband! I bet your wifey adores you."

That made Blitza remember something.

"Oh yeah, the client told me you stole his crush 74 years ago. And that would mean you're in your 90s right now....." She came closer to Mr. Wrigglers and stood on tiptoe to stare at his face. "How the actual fuck do you look so young?"

"Oh, you think I look young? I'm flattered!"

"And what brand of hair dye do you use to make it look so natural?"

"Hair dye? Oh, I've never used that stuff! It's bad for my hair, and I always loved my natural red colour too much to change it."

"But... but how the fuck do you barely have any grey hairs on your head?!" The imp woman demanded. "Please, I am begging you to tell me your secret! I'd like to look young like you if I make it to my 90s!"

Mr. Wrigglers pinched Blitza's cheek. "There is no "secret", sweetie. I just look young for my age."

Blitza angrily crossed her arms. "You lying asshole. I know there's a secret..."

"Anyway," Lunar asked more politely, "where did all these kids come from?"

"A lot of orphans have trouble getting adopted, so I just adopt those ones myself!" Mr. Wrigglers explained.

"Well, isn't that just fuuucking great?! We wasted the whole damn day on this!" Blitza complained.

Mr. Wrigglers noticed the sun going down. "Oh, what a beautiful sunset. I'd quite like to watch that as I go. Will you join me?"

Lunar thinks about it for a minute, then he smiles.

***

Lunar and Mr. Wrigglers sit on a park bench, while Blitza leans against a tree, scrolling on her phone and holding her lollipop. She angrily bites her lollipop.

"For the record, I think it's really cool of you to adopt all those kids." Lunar said. "Adoption is something every orphan wants but not many of us get. Like me. I was lucky enough to be adopted, but I didn't get that until I was almost 18 anyway."

"Are your adoptive parents nice people?"

"My adoptive mother is. But I don't have an adoptive father. I've... I've never had any father at all, actually."

It was true. Lunar had memories of his biological mother before she died, but he had never even met his biological father.

And after Blitza adopted him, she'd always been a single mother. Even if Blitza ends up getting married to Starla, then Lunar will just have 2 mothers.

Sometimes he did wish to have a father, especially since he was a guy and it would be nice to have another guy he could look up to or go to for advice. And when he saw what a cool dad Mr. Wrigglers was to his kids, it made him long for a father like him even more.

"I'm glad I could make a new friend today." The children's entertainer said. "I hope I see you again in the great beyond."

"Well, I'll be in Hell so... probably not." Lunar said sadly. "Unless there's something I don't know about you, heh."

"Ah, you know who I am, and I know someday, you'll show the world who you really are."

"I don't think they'd like the real me."

"I know I would."

Mr. Wrigglers smiles and closes his eyes. Lunar also smiles. A blue flash appears around his feet and swirls upwards, letting him drop his human disguise and revert back to his demon form. Mr. Wrigglers turns towards him, and Lunar in turn looks him in the eyes.

"Ta-da?" Lunar said, hope glittering in his red eyes.

After a couple of seconds, Mr. Wrigglers starts screaming in horror.

"Oh, fuck!" Startled, Lunar accidentally shoots Mr. Wrigglers in his left knee.

Mr. Wrigglers falls off the bench, grunting in pain. The younger man gets up and walks towards him, then he throws sand at him.

Lunar wiped his eyes. "Did you just pocket sand me?"

"OH, OH, OHHHHH! OH I GOT SHOT! OH IT HURTS! OH MY GOD!"

Lunar tried to fire the gun again to put Mr. Wrigglers out of his misery, but the gun was empty. Blitza runs over.

"OH MY GOD!"

"Don't worry! Mommy will fix this!"

Blitza pounds Mr. Wrigglers's head with a brick. He's dead after only 1 hit, but Blitza keeps pounding until his head is reduced to a mush.

The mother-son stare at each other, covered in blood.

"Uh, Lunie? You okay?" The imp woman asked.

Lunar sighed heavily. "I was a dumbass to think Mr. Wrigglers would like me in my demon form. Should've just kept that goddamn human disguise on. At least then his death could've been less of a horror show."

He shook his head and grabbed Blitza's wrist, dragging her to her feet, and rubbed her Asmodean Crystal to open a portal. "Come on. Let's just go home and hit the showers."

The end

Chapter Text

A cuckoo clock featuring a rooster with an erected penis goes off, which wakes up Fizzarollia.

She punches the clock and stretches her arm out to the kitchen, scaring a succubus maid, destroying a chandelier, and pours herself some coffee. But, she burns herself so she takes the whole pot back, passing the same succubus from before, making her twirl in place, and sets it on a desk. She stretches out and grabs one of her hats, and stretches.

[A/N: sorry but Fizz's canon PJs are not doing it for me so I had to draw another one]

Fizzarollia grabs the coffee and drinks it, before putting it away and stretching herself above Asmodeus.

"Rise and shine, Moddie!"

She shakes an airhorn and blows it, startling Asmodeus, who lays back down. Fizz cackles.

Asmodeus groans and covers her head with her pillow. "Ugh, again with the horn?"

"Don't blame me, blame how fuckin' fun they are!" Fizz teases before blowing the horn again.

"M'kay, so; Today you have a meeting with the distributor about the new shipment of vvvibrators. Then you gotta host a safety meeting because of what happened with the old shipment of vvvibrators. And then, you have a nooner with Princess Starla."

Asmodeus gets out of bed and puts on her robe. "*sighs* You scheduled me during lunch?"

Fizz comes down and ties the sash of her wife's robe. "Well, you're pretty good at squeezing things in." She smirks, eyeing Asmodeus' butt, before stretching onto her shoulder.

"But I left time for a big ol' breakfast!"

"Lemme guess, I'm handling that too?"

Fizz batted her eyelashes innocently. "I mean, unless you want me to take a crack at cooking again?"

"Ahahahahaha— No. Never again."

That was no joke. The last time Fizz had tried cooking, the fire from the stove gave her a flashback of the fire that'd wounded her at the circus. Fizz had a panic attack, and Asmodeus barely got there in time to turn off the stove before her entire palace was burned to a crisp.

From then on, it was a strict rule Fizz couldn't go in the kitchen without adult supervision.

"Whaaat? Maybe I could burn the milk this time!" The female imp said.

"Stoooop...~" Asmodeous teased.

Fizz hopped onto her wife's shoulder. "Oh! You know what I'm craving? Burgers!"

"No! It's too early for burgers, ya maniac!"

"Burger time! Burger time! BURGER TIME!"

The two laugh together as they went into their kitchen.

Asmodeus hums, making breakfast, while Fizz opens a newspaper. An article reads- "The Queen of Lust—A HYPOCRITE?!"

The Press already knows Fizzarollia is married to someone.

But they don't know who she's married to. She always says her spouse wishes for her to keep their identity a secret. Everyone theorizes who her spouse could be, and of course some have theorized it's Asmodeus, and Fizz never confirms or denies any of those theories. But it looks like the theory of her being married to Asmodeus is becoming more and more popular.

If people found out Fizz and Asmodeus are together, Fizz's reputation won't suffer. But Asmodeus's will. The Sin of Lust is supposed to indulge in Lust, not love. Asmodeus has barely dated anyone in the 1000s of years she's been alive.

Not to mention an imp and a Sin being together is an insane power imbalance.

Fizz crumples the newspaper, stuffs it into a trash bin, then throws the entire bin out a window. Moddie opens the door to the refrigerator, which lacks milk.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I can pick up some more while I'm out today." Fizz offers.

"About that..." Moddie frowns as she gives Fizz her breakfast. "You're still going to that contest rehearsal? Without me?"

"Well, you have a packed day today, and I know you aren't big on the whole Mammon thing. So..."

"It's the Greed Ring. One of the cities is literally called Ransom."

"You worry too much. You know I ain't afraid of ropes. 'Sides, I'm slippery~." She demonstrates by sliding smoothly across the floor.

Despite her concern, Moddie couldn't help cracking a sex joke. "I mean, only after I..."

"What?" Fizz asks with her mouth full.

Moddie blushes. "What?"

"Come on, Mod! I can be on my own one day!"

"But you haven't been to the Greed Ring alone since becoming Mam's big brand figure." Moddie reasoned.

"Yeah, I guess, but it's not like I'm gonna stick around!"

"I can get you an escort."

"Augh! I can handle it!"

Fizz rises up on her cybernetic legs, clasping her hands together, and bats her eyelashes.

"C'mon, Big Mama. PWEEEEASE?"

Moddie snorts. "Well, you know I can't say no to a face that cute."

Fizz lifts her chin proudly. "Mhm! That's why I use it."

Moddie smirks and twirls Fizz's tail around her finger. She knows how much that turns her wife on. "Just try to stay out of trouble, Fizzyfrog."

Fizz playfully pushes Moddie away. "Ahh, stop it!"

"Noooo~!"

A succubus walks into the room holding a stack of boxes. "Moddie, I have the new shipment of—"

She freezes as she sees Fizz with her limbs wrapped around Moddie.

Fizz blushed. "Uh... see, Moddie? I told you my limbs were stretchy enough to wrap all around you!"

"Oh, you were absolutely right, Fizzarollia! These are the best things I've ever designed!"

The couple laugh nervously as the succubus sets down the boxes and leaves.

"Whew! That was close, huh?" Fizz uncoils herself.

Unfortunately the nervousness of almost getting caught made their horniness disappear, so they no longer wanted to fuck.

"Just come right back when it's over, and keep your phone on ya, okay?"

"Got it riiight here!" Fizz stretches and grabs her phone. "Be riiight back after! Don't worry, Mod! I'll be super low-key. Nobody will notice me."

Fizz sips her coffee, while Moddie facepalms in doubt.

***

Fizzarollia steps out of the limo, slinging her 500$ designer purse onto her shoulder, and pushes her 5000$ designer sunglasses onto her head.

She steps onto a purple carpet, while speakers and confetti blasters shaped like dildos pop out of the limo. The confetti sprays over everyone, while one demon brushes it off, and another demon chokes to death on one of them. Fizzarollia's dogs come out the car and start to feast on the corpse.

[A/N: In the transcript they're called "quieves", plural of "queef", but uh... let's just stick with calling them "dogs"]

Fizz claps and whistles to get the dogs' attention to get going. They arrive and spiral around Fizz, spinning her as she laughs. Roller skates come out of her high-heels as she blasts off.

"Whoa! Girls, girls!" She laughs happily.

Fizz rolls around the block with her dogs, skating at top speed, knocking over demons and hitting a trashcan. Her sunglasses' built-in wipers clean all the garbage off them.

"Man, it's great not being in the spotlight for once!" She says, unaware that literally everybody is watching her as she goes.

Fizz approaches a coffee shop. Blitza goes knee-skidding out of that coffee shop, and her purse is thrown on the ground next to her.

"Look lady," Blitza yells at the hellhound who just kicked her out, "it's not my fault if you only know how to make coffee that tastes like piss!"

Fizz's jaw drops open and she hits the brakes on her skates.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Blitza stammers in fear, scooting backwards.

Fizz brakes in time. But once she got over the fear of crashing and hurting herself or her dogs, she plastered a cruel smile onto her lips.

"Oh, wow. Lookee who it is."

"Oh, fuck... You again." Blitza picked up her purse and stood up.

Fizz pushed up her sunglasses. "Looks like me and Barbie have a petty little stalker now."

Blitza's eyes widened at the mention of Barbie-Wire. "What? Barbie?!"

"That's right, I know what you did to your sister a while ago." Fizz smirks. "Stalking her, killing her supplier, making her unemployed again... Holy fuck, Blitz-A, get a life! Neither of us want a parasite like you blindly following us around! *chuckles* I'm sorry we're not friends with you anymore, but stalking us won't make us like you. It only proves what a fucking loser you are."

"I-I'm not stalking either of you guys! I have my own life!" Blitza snapped. "I only went to Barbie because I thought she needed my help!"

The jester stepped closer to Blitza. She was shorter than Blitza, but her bitchy confidence made her seem taller.

"Sure. And since you're coming to me now, I guess you think that poor wittle me also "needs your help", Blitz-A?"

Blitza glared. "The A is silent now, bitch! And gee whiz, we've been in each other's relative vicinity twice in the last 15 years! That would make me, *shouts up at the sky* THE SHITTIEST STALKER IN HISTORY!"

Fizz pets her dogs, then stands back up. "Twice... IS ALREADY WAY TOO MUCH."

Fizz flipped her blonde-streaked hair, smacking Blitza hard in the face with it, as she shoves past Blitza. Blitza rubs her cheek in pain.

"Well, at least I'm still actually working for my shit. And not getting everything spoon-fed into my mouth like some pampered attention whore!" The taller woman said.

Blitza has struck a nerve in Fizz as she growls in anger. Her albino dog rubs against her and hands her a bone. Fizz moves the bone to show the leash, with gold lettering saying "From Moddie with 💛".

It's not a lie that Moddie is giving her the life she lives. Maybe she is a pampered attention whore. But she won't let Blitza get away with calling her that.

"Yeah, well... Guess that's what resilience and talent gets ya. *chuckles* Plus, my horns" (read: breasts) "were always bigger than yours. Weren't they?"

Fizz starts walking, but she hears running footsteps and turns to see Blitza charging at her.

"Hey, what the fuck?!"

Fizz swings her purse and it hits Blitza in the stomach. Blitza grunts, but then both girls drop their bags and they get into a street fight.

The screen shifts upward to find a skyscraper-like building where Striker and Crimson unknowingly reside.

"So, you say you're good?" Crimson asked. "Cuz we really need a big score right now."

"The best, had a royal on the ropes just last week." Striker bragged.

"Sure, but not dead?" The mafia boss asked.

"She would be dead, but it was called off. But I have a body count in the hundreds! I ain't afraid to go after anyone. Women, kids—"

One of Fizz's dogs gets launched into the window outside.

"And cute little-faced puppy-lookin' things. Don't matter!"

Striker goes to the window to see Blitza and Fizz fighting. The crowd around them screams "CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT!"

Crimson frowns in thought. "Hmm... I'll tell ya what. If you can deliver something of value... I'll consider it."

Striker smirks. This timing was literally just too perfect to even be true. "One moment..."

He opens the window and pulls out his lasso. He ropes the girls into the room and slams them against the wall, laughing sinisterly.

Crimson is surprised, but then he grins. "Hired!"

Striker pulls out his knife. "Funny to run into ya again, "Blitzy!""

The cowboy comes over to Fizz, pointing his knife under her chin. "And with a famous friend..."

"Oh, fuck me." Blitza grumbled.

Fizz crossed her arms defiantly. "For the record, we are not friends."

***

In Asmodeus's factory just below her palace, they are creating a new toy to test for the new vibrator shipment.

"Larger, you can never be too large," Moddie laughs lightly, "you can never be too large."

"Hm... smaller, smaller. Get this spot right there, and that's good! I like... ooh, I like that, that's good, mhm!"

They put the vibrator into the test chamber to see the results. After everyone puts on safety goggles, Moddie gives the thumbs-up and they turn on the vibrator. The vibrator shakes violently and explodes, leaving everyone scorched, and the project is a failure.

Moddie groans, sitting alone at her desk, missing Fizzarollia when she looks at a painting of them together. Lightning strikes, as Fizzarollia's eyes strangely glow blue. Moddie is startled, both by the lightning, and her watch, signaling an alarm for her meeting with Starla.

She goes to the waiting room and finds the owl princess sitting there.

"Starla! Hey there, birdy babe. Haven't seen you since you crashed my club, how you been? *giggles* Still gettin' yo' kink on with that feisty imp?"

"Aha. Well, um, that's actually what I'm here about." Starla explained as she came in. "You see, I, um... seem to have found myself with... feelings for her. And I'm not sure if it's a mutual thing."

"Well, I can tell ya, if you're looking for a love potion, you came to the wrong fucking girl." Moddie picked up 2 candies shaped like a penis and lips. "I don't fuck with that artificial bullshit! Lust shouldn't be about force... It's an art! To be earned, and enjoyed. It's all about that journey to Pleasure Town... You feel me?" She giggled and shoved the penis through the lips.

Starla blushed. "Oh! No! Never, never that! I just, you see..."

While Starla speaks, Moddie decides to devour her whole bowl of various sex-shaped candy.

"This imp has a business she runs. She needs to access the mortal realm to carry out her work. I know your demons are some of the only ones who can traverse freely and legally." Starla uses her powers to conjure up Asmodeous's book, the one that talks about Asmodean Crystals, and places it on the table. "I was wondering if you could assist me in... finding a way she could too?"

Moddie gasps. "Oh! Hmmm, Starla... My heart bleeds for you, but my wi— Uh... Business partner, Fizzarollia, hates your imp girlie. Yeah... HAAATES." She clenches a fist to demonstrate.

Starla blinked. "She does? But why? Why does— wait a second, Fizzarollia is the head entertainer of your strip club, right? The jester?"

"That's right."

"Oh, yes... the way she acted toward Blitza that night, I sensed they had some bad blood between them. I know Blitza has an attitude that... well... irritates people sometimes, but it appears this Fizzarollia woman has a far deeper hatred for Blitza. What did Blitza ever do to her?"

"Not my story to tell." Moddie replied. "But trust me, I would help if I could, but I can't. Sorry..."

Moddie notices her phone ringing with a notification of a new message from "Froggie 🤍". She smiles and opens the notification, causing the phone to fly across the room in a grand display and project a widescreen version of the message.

An imp man with a gold tooth grins at the camera. "Hello, Asmodeus."

The 2 demon-women glance at each other, growing concerned on how this guy got his hands on Fizz's phone.

"You don't know me, but you don't need to. All you need to know is I have your little jester here with me."

Striker brings Fizz to the camera, tied up and gagged. Fizz struggles to escape so Striker has to hold her very tightly. Asmodeus gasps and lets out a furious roar, instinctively trying to grab Fizz, but it's just a hologram.

"And I understand you have a meeting with Princess Starla, is that correct?" Crimson asked. "How fitting. I hope she's in the room with you, because don't worry, sweetheart, I have a special surprise for you too."

He motioned for a loan shark to come over, and the loan shark brought Blitza over, tied up and gagged. Starla gasps and covers her beak with both hands.

Blitza turns around and kicks the loan shark in the crotch. He grunts in pain, then he spins Blitza back around, and angrily punches the back of her head.

"If you two want your bitches back alive, you will give me exactly what I want." Crimson went on.

"Do you have any idea who you are FUCKING WITH?!" Asmodeus's feathers glow a vivid neon version of her natural colors before her head bursts into red flames.

Starla popped her head around. "I... think it's a recording."

"You probably just asked if I know who I'm dealing with." Crimson guessed. "And, oh yes, I know. Starla, a blue-blood princess who is actively betraying her own kind for the sake of being fucked by an imp, but still not confident enough to own up to it!"

Starla lowered her head, embarrassed.

"And you, the weakest and most non-threatening of the Sins. The queen who will do whatever it takes to save the worst-kept secret in all of Hell."

Moddie grows embarrassed and turns her head away.

Crimson sits at his desk. "Starla, I dunno for sure if you view THIS ONE as anything more than an impish little plaything. But Asmodeus, I know damn well you won't risk anything happening to the clown. So be a good little bitch and do the thing. My lawyer will be over shortly with the contract of demands. You have until the witching hour to sign it. Hueheheheheheheh! Now cut it. I SAID CUT IT, YA FUCKIN' MORON!"

The video ends. The whole room shakes and Asmodeus ignites in rage.

"Oh shit!" Starla yelps, quickly dodging behind a tall chair.

Starla barely manages to hide behind the chair before Moddie makes the whole room glow with a beam of fire, and she lets out a roar the whole Lust Ring must've heard.

Moddie collapses to her knees, eyes squeezed shut. "Fuck! Fuck me! Why was I so stupid that I let Fizz go to a city called Ransom all alone?! *sobs* I'm so stupid!"

Starla kneels next to Moddie. "Asmodeus, we don't have time for this! The witching hour is only 3 hours away! I know that sounds like long enough, but hostage negotiations can take a lot of time."

"I'm such a bad wife." She moaned, so upset she forgot to avoid using the word "wife".

Starla dragged Moddie to her feet. "Come on, get up! Get up! We'll sign the contract for Fizzarollia first, then after we can sign the contract for Blitza. Let's go!"

She lifted the skirts of her ballgown and dashed toward Moddie's office, knowing Moddie would follow suit.

Most people wouldn't be very willing to help Moddie after she publicly humiliated them that time in her strip club. But Starla was a forgiving woman, so she didn't hold any hard feelings toward Moddie. She was willing to forget what Moddie did to her and help Moddie save her wife (or "business partner") first and foremost.

***

"Can I trust you two not to do anything stupid while me and Alessio are gone?" Crimson asks 2 of his loan sharks.

"Yes, boss!" They both say.

Crimson gives an unimpressed look. "I'm serious, guys. We're holding these bitches for ransom, which means they have to be in pristine condition when their blue-blood girlfriends come. No funny business with them."

"We'd never do that, boss!" Shark 1 promises.

"Yeah, we'll just sit here and watch them!" Shark 2 agrees.

Crimson glances at Fizzarollia and Blitza, who are tied to chairs far away from each other.

"I'm only leaving for 5 minutes, so just... wait for me." The mafia boss orders, shooting another glare at the sharks as he leaves with Alessio.

The moment the door shuts behind him, the sharks smirk at each other. They were gonna do some funny business.

"There are no security cameras in this room, right?" Shark 1 asks.

"No security cameras." Shark 2 confirms.

"Perfect." Shark 1 approaches Fizzarollia's chair. "Wellll look what we have here. A famous jester."

"She sure is a cute one." Shark 2 comments.

"Have you seen this bitch dancing onstage?" Shark 1 pulled out his phone and showed his co-worker a video. "I jerk off to these videos all the time. Especially her pole dances!"

"Good news for you, buddy: you don't have to jerk off to videos of her anymore. You have the real Fizzarollia sitting right in front of you!" Shark 2 cackled.

Shark 1 smiled. "You know it's always been my dream to fuck a superstar. I always thought that dream would just stay a dream. But here she is, tied up just for me."

The loan shark caressed Fizz's face. Fizz flinched away. "Touch me again and I swear to fuck I'll bite your scaly fingers off." She warned.

"You better not make us mad, Fizzie." Shark 2 warned. "You're tied up in our territory."

Shark 1 leaned even closer to her. "And don't worry, Fizzie, we'll give you a good time."

Shark 1 went back to caressing her face while Shark 2 stood next to him. Fizz didn't know what to do. She'd been harassed by creeps her whole life, but she usually had bodyguards or someone to protect her. She'd never been alone with 2 creeps, tied to a chair.

She could bite the loan shark, but then he'd do worse to her. All she could do was sit frozen.

Blitza's head jerked to the scene next to her. An old instinct kicked in.

"Hey, guys! I wouldn't do that if I were you."

The sharks ignored her.

"I mean, fuck, whatever floats your boat. But I think Crimson has dibs on Fizzie."

The sharks turned to her. "Huh? What?"

"Didn't you notice?" Blitza asked. "The way Crimson was putting his hands on Fizz's hips, the way he peeked under her dress when she sat down? I can tell he's hungry for her."

Shark 1 narrowed his eyes. "You're lying. Crimson isn't hungry for her."

Blitza was lying. But she had to do something to protect Fizz.

Blitza smiled up at him. "I've been inside Crimson Knowlastname's house. I've been fucked by him. Have you ever been fucked by him?"

"N-No..." The sharks both said.

"Then you don't know him the way I do." Blitza concluded. "I know how he acts when he sees a lady he wants to have sex with. He acted that way toward me, and he did the same behaviour toward Fizz. He's very excited to be the 1st one to get his hands on her."

The sharks exchanged looks, getting worried.

Blitza leaned back, relaxed. "And let me tell you..... when he takes off her clothes and finds YOUR fluids dripping all over her? Oof. I hope I'll be put in a cage somewhere so I don't have to see what he does to you."

"Nah, fuck this." Shark 1 waved his hand dismissively. "Crimson will beat the shit out of us if we fuck Fizzarollia before him."

"We'll just get sloppy seconds after Crimson's taken his turn on her." Shark 2 decided.

"Speaking of sloppy seconds, did you hear what my cousin did last week? He hooked up with Erica!"

"No way! Erica as in your ex-girlfriend who you recently dumped?"

"Yeah! I thought my cousin was better than that! And you'll never guess how I found out!"

"Gimme the tea, man! Erica was the most annoying of all your girlfriends!"

The sharks got busy chatting. They didn't bother Blitza or Fizz anymore. Fizz turned to Blitza, realizing Blitza had probably just saved her from getting raped, but Blitza kept her gaze glued to the ground to avoid eye contact.

***

They lead the girls into a warehouse, still keeping their hands tied. They throw them into a cage, which Striker is on top of. Fizz grunts as she struggles to get free, while Blitza scoots back.

"Oh, chill out, jester. Christ on a stick, it's like you've never been tied up before!"

"Sure, but not by a bunch of psychos! *grunts, falls down* And a piece of shit!"

Blitza frowned. "Am I... Okay, am I the psycho or the piece of shit?"

Fizz glared. "Both!"

Blitza nodded. "Yeah, that checks."

"How is this happening?! I was just supposed to grab some gas station milk and rehearse some juggling!" Fizz kicked her hooves in the air, upset.

"Oh, relax, I'm sure your big royal chicken ain't gonna let anything happen to her peppy lil' fuckdoll."

Fizz sits up straight to scoot in front of Blitza on her knees.

"Ohh, playin' that card, huh? Okay... What about you? Seems your tastes have gotten more... "regal", lately. Heheh..."

"Yeah, well unlike you, I fuck who I want, when I want. I'm not gonna be tied down to some big blue-blood bitch."

"You could've fooled me the way Princess was cozying up to you at Moddie's." Fizz wrapped her tail around herself, mimicking what Starla had been doing to Blitza.

Blitza stamped her hoof. "Hey! Starla only cares about having a rugged peasant strap in and raw-dog her into her mattress, it's nothing... y'know..."

Fizz gives her a thoroughly unimpressed look.

Blitza sighed sadly. "It's nothing else..." But I wish so badly it were something else.

"Then why were you even there?" The jester asked.

"Uh... other very important reasons, of course!"

Fizz shrugged. "Whatever, I don't actually care."

"I mean Starla is just a loud, thirsty bitch who loves feelin' the thrill of getting scissored by the lower class. It's a novelty to her."

"Literally just said I don't care."

"And then, she'll call me to see how my day was! And she'll pretend to care about me, and comment on my photos, and laugh at my jokes—"

"Oh! Well that's "definitely" your clue right there that it's all bullshit." Fizz said sarcastically.

"I KNOW, RIGHT?"

Fizz rolls her eyes, because this dumbass can't sense obvious sarcasm.

"She's just a fake, privileged slut!"

"Sounds like you just hate her for bein' a princess. Because no-one, and I mean no-one, pretends to care that much just for a cheap lay."

"My point is, royal demons don't give a shit about women like us. They're all the fuckin' same."

"That's not...! A-always true..." Fizz lifts her chin smugly. "But I guess you're right. They can't all be the same if some have taste, and some wanna stoop down to fuck your pathetic ass."

"Can we talk about something other than my sex life? Satan's taint, is fucking that Lust chick make this what you're all about now?!"

"You brought it up, asshole!"

Striker bangs on their cage, startling both girls.

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?! Bicker like a couple of teen skanks..."

"Dude! Were you just sitting there and listening to our whole-ass conversation?" Blitza demanded.

Ignoring the question, Striker steps down onto some boxes, then leans towards their cage.

"As far as I'm concerned, you two are both embarrassments to our kind for meddlin' with blue-bloods to begin with. *sighs* But at least Loudmouth here has the sense to only fuck her rich bitch, instead of bein' a little purse dog."

"Oh great. The fuckin' supremacist is on my side. Wonderful!" Blitza turns her back on both Striker and Fizz.

Fizz shakes her head. "Neither of you filthbags know what you're even talkin' about. If you think you're superior to anyone, then you're no better than any royal—"

Striker's eyes widen in pure rage. He grabs Fizz by the neck and slams her against the bars to stop her from talking.

"Don't. You. Dare... Finish that sentence, clown..."

Blitza had turned her back, but now she looked over her shoulder. The sight of someone, anyone, putting their hands on Fizzarollia..... it was the same as when she saw those perverted loan sharks touching Fizz.

Blitza pushed herself up onto her knees. "Hey! Don't fucking TOUCH—"

"Hey! Hick-for-hire!" Crimson called from below them. "I said watch 'em, not fuck 'em. Keep ya hands off the merchandise!"

Striker frowns, disappointed he won't get to teach Fizz her lesson, but he obediently lets go of her before jumping off the cage.

"Ugh! Ever heard of mouthwash?! FUCKFAAAACCCE!" Fizz shouts down at Striker, then her shoulders slump in defeat and annoyance.

***

Moddie and Starla sit in the office, Moddie looking frustrated and tired.

"So that's the contract for Fizz?" The Sin of Lust asks. "Can I just sign it already? Like, can we move this along?"

Crimson's lawyer shrugs, and gives her a pen.

"Sire, you need to know the contents of this contract, you can't just sign it." Starla argues. "A deal made with a Sin like yourself would be everlastingly binding... Perhaps I can look it over, I'm a fast reader."

She roughly snatches the contract from the lawyer, shooting a glare at him, and reads it over. Just as she suspected, this contract was a trick.

"Oh! Hmmm... This is a contract giving Crimson all of Moddie's factory assets. And, giving him permission to use Fizzarollia's head for a wall decoration."

Asmodeus rips the contract out of Starla's talons. "WAIT, WHAT?!"

"Juuuust making sure you're paying attention!" The lawyer laughs nervously. "Here's the real contract."

He retrieves a stack of papers and shoves them forward on the desk.

Starla claps and makes excited owl noises. "Oohoohoohoo! This will be fun! I love words!"

Asmodeus burns the fake contract, furious that she almost got tricked, and that this looks more complicated than just signing one single piece of paper.

***

Fizz struggles to escape her imprisonment, while Blitza just sits there.

"I'm not scared of that cringe cowboy or that mafia boss." She announces. "I've hooked up with both of them and I can tell you, neither of them are worth shit."

"You've hooked up with both of them?!" Fizz pulls a face. "Eww! Typical you, just sleeping around with randos 'cuz nobody actually wants you."

"Ya know, you're really bad at this." Blitza comments as Fizz still can't escape.

Fizz grunts and falls down again. "Hmmm, ya know? Last time I checked, I was a fucking jester, NOT an escape arti—"

Fizz's struggling gets her zapped due to rubbing her arms together in her wrap. She shoots up, her head slams the cage, leaving an indent, and she falls back down.

Blitza winces. "Oof. You okay, girl?"

Tears dot Fizz's eyes as her hardened exterior finally cracked. "I just wanna go home..."

Blitza smiles smugly. "Hmm... You want me to get you out?"

Fizz was scared, homesick, and she just wanted to be free again, so she didn't even bother shooting back with a snarky comment. "Y-y-yes..."

Blitza stands up and stomps her hoof hard. The gesture extracts a knife from the toe of her boot.

"You had a knife this whole time?!" Fizz demanded.

"Well, I can't help you out unless you ask politely." Blitza purred.

Blitza cuts the ropes off herself, then grabs Fizz by the front of her dress, startling her, with the knife pointed in her direction. Fizz whimpers, thinking she's going to stab her, but Blitza cuts the tape off her.

"Now stop bitchin' while I work this." Blitza orders.

She peeks her head between the cage bars and observes her surroundings; an imp on a forklift, goons playing on a pool table, a muscular imp stacking a card tower, and a few more demons lounging — from there, whe spots the cage's remote control.

"Ahhh, bingo!" Blitza grins.

Fizz sits next to her. "So what now, genius?"

"See that remote?"

"I mean, I could stretch down there..."

"No, no, someone will probably catch you. I have a better idea."

Blitza shakes the cage, causing some boxes to fall. This creates a domino effect. Soon one of the golf balls hits the "DOWN" button of the remote—but nothing seems to happen.

Fizz scowled. "Well, A for effort, but that's sure as fuck didn't w—"

At the last second, their cage drops down and collapses. As the smoke subsides, Fizz coughs while Blitza proudly dusts herself off. Blitza gives the thumbs-up while Fizz gives the middle finger.

"Show off..."

Suddenly, Crimson and his goons come in. Crimson lifts up a cucumber slice to see the girls have escaped.

"THE FUCK?! GET THEM!" He smashed his wineglass and sicced his goons on the girls.

One of the goons fire a net gun at Fizz, but Blitza pushes her out of the way. She grabs her hand to escape from the rapid gunfire.

"*gasps* My baby!" Blitza squeals happily when she spots her flintlock nearby and uses it to fire back.

Blitza leaves Fizz alone, thinking Fizz can fend for herself. But she overestimated her former-bestie's fighting skills.

"Goddammit!" Fizz grunts as she's caught by a loan shark.

One of the Mafia Imps approach her, about to hit her with a cane.

"Fuck!" Fizz grunts as she dodges the cane, and the loan shark gets hit instead.

Fizz bumps back to Blitza.

"What the fuck, Fizz?! How is someone this flexible, this useless in combat?!" She demands while still dodging attacks.

"I'm a performer!" Fizz explains irritably. "I sing, I dance, I act, I promote products that I don't actually use... I don't do danger!"

With most of the mafia out for the count, the girls make a run for it.

"Well good to know you're still a wimpy circus puss."

They climb up a ladder while Blitza quickly shoots a mafia member aiming for them.

Fizz growls. "I'd give you a comeback, but that'd imply I give a shit what you think." She lifts her chin and turns away, but the ladder nearly falls over before Blitza pulls it up.

"You always cared what I thought!"

Fizz laughed humourlessly. "After what you did to me?"

"I didn't do anything! It was an accident!"

"AN ACCIDENT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

[Flashback]

A younger Fizz balances on a circus ball while balancing spinning plates on sticks.

"You always had it out for me, because people liked me better!" Fizz said.

A younger Blitza looks from the side of the tent with jealousy.

As teens, Cash Buckzo hands Teen Fizz a birthday card, with the front reading, "Wish you were my daughter".

"You wanted me gone, because you were jealous! Just wanting the spotlight!"

Teen Fizz looks over to Blitza and waves to her, but Teen Blitza turns her back on her with the curtains flapping in her wake. Suddenly, the curtains ignite with green fire.

"I looked up to you, I thought you were my best friend."

The fire spreads quickly as the other circus performers including Cash Buckzo scream and run for the nearest exits while Teen Fizz is knocked to the ground and quickly scrambles away to escape from the advancing fire.

"YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

Teen Fizz opens a flap in hopes of a way to escape from the burning tent, but she's instead met with fireworks. With no time to react, the fireworks explode before Fizz's eyes and the whole circus burst into flames with her clown nose flying towards the screen.

"And then you just left me..."

A mangled and nearly lifeless Fizz drags her bloody body desperately towards Teen Blitza who was standing in front of her with her right hand covering the right side of her face after the explosion.

"I lost so much because of you."

Fizz's broken horns disintegrate and chip off, her eye watering with pain and desperation as a silhouette of Teen Blitza in her pupil turns her back on Fizz.

"And you selfish piece of shit..."

Teen Fizz stretches her hand out desperately for help from her sister-in-arms while the flesh melts off her still-burning and bleeding arm, showing her bones.

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN CARE!"

Fizz watches Blitza run away in the opposite direction before closing her eyes.

"I DID CARE!" Blitza shouts.

[Flashback ends]

Blitza turns around to face Fizz with tears in her eyes, the jester appears mildly taken aback at Blitza's revelation.

"It was an accident! IT WAS! I don't... I... why would you even think I'd do that on purpose, Fizz?!"

 A goon climbs up with his gun pointed at the 2 female imps. Fizz reacts quickly and grabs Blitza as her robotic limbs extended to avoid the bullets.

The two taking a breath while taking cover behind some boxes.

"Okay, you're right, it was all my fault, okay?" Blitza said. "But I'd never hurt you on purpose! You should know that without me even telling you! Haven't I always done my very best to protect you?"

Fizz stared at her former-bestie. Her suspicions (her hopes) that Blitza didn't do it on purpose were coming true.

"I... I should've done more to help, I was... I was trying. There was so much going on... I was trying to get help, Fizz! I just..."

She looks down with sorrowful sigh.

"It was still my fault. And I'm so sorry."

Fizz gives a look of disapproval. "Glad you could admit it. Want a medal?"

"I'm so sorry, Fizz..."

[Flashback]

Blitza turned away from her sister-in-arms. Not because she was jealous. Simply because she was scared as she thought about what she was about to do.

Would Fizz return her feelings? Blitza raked her brain as she tried to remember if Fizz had ever dropped any hints of returning Blitza's feelings.

No, Fizz had never dropped any hints of that.

What if she laughed in Blitza's face and said "Fuck, Blitza, your father was right all those times he called you a useless nobody! You think I could ever date you? Puh-lease!"

What if this ruined their friendship? Blitza didn't want to lose one of her only friends.

She was torn between 'I can't risk finding out' and 'I can't stand never finding out'.

Her hand started to shake as she gripped the letter more tightly.

Finally she realized she couldn't do it. Angry tears blurred her vision as she shoves aside an imp with a birthday cake, not even noticing that she made him drop the cake.

"I am so sorry you got so hurt..."

Teen Blitza throws the letter to the ground aggressively. A trio of purple, green and pink hellhorses are chilling on the other side, before the fire startles the green one, causing it to shriek and making the other spooked horses flee.

"I'm sorry for what you lost, and I... I know I can never make it right."

Soon everyone is running around in panic. Blitza looks around, having no clue what is going on. A firework shoots out from the tent and burns her face. She screams in pain.

"But you have no idea what I lost in that fire..."

Blitza runs around, worrying if Fizz is okay. But everyone is too panicked to listen to her, and her right eye is half-blinded so she can't even see where she's going.

[Flashback ends]

"I mean it's... it's all my fault. I'd hate me too." Blitza says as more tears gather in her eyes.

Fizz looks up at Blitza with a sorrowful expression.

Blitza blinks rapidly to clear away her tears. "I mean, I do hate— SHIIIIIIIIIIT!"

A goon appears out of nowhere and puts Blitza in a headlock but she pulls the gun under her captor's chin and blows off his head.

"So, why didn't you try to tell me any of this?" Fizz asks as they start moving. "Or come see me? Even once would've been fine!"

"I tried... You were all I had left, Fizz. But they told me you didn't want to see me."

Fizz's eyes widened. "I never told them that!"

"Bullshit. They kicked me out of the hospital per your request!" Blitza replied.

"I didn't request that! I was always asking everyone "Where's Blitza? Where's Blitza?" They told me you never came!"

The girls freeze as they realize it.

"Oooohhh..."

A goon climbs up the ladder and attempts to attack the girls. Blitza uses her gun to blow up the goon's head.

"WAAAOOOHHH, CHRIST ON A STICK!" The taller woman yelps.

"TRYING TO HAVE A FUCKIN' EMOTIONAL MOMENT, HERE!" Fizz called to the loan sharks.

***

Starla is pacing around the room with the contract.

"Okay, so! I believe this draft allows for some factory ownership, specifically located in the Greed Ring... With allocated funds going to your client for the foreseeable future... While ensuring the safe return of one "Fizzarollia"." The owl-demon says.

Then she slams it on the desk. "Now can Asmodeus just sign it so I can sign Blitza's contract?"

"Yeah sure, sounds good." The lawyer says. "Now lemme just re-read thissssssuh."

"HURRY UP!" Moddie bellows in a demonic voice.

The lawyer smugly looks up at her. "Yelling won't make me read faster."

Moddie turns red and her flames grow hotter.

Keep it together for Fizz, keep it together for Fizz... She tells herself.

Starla stomps out the flames burning her ballgown.

***

Blitza and Fizz work together to fight the goons.

"Look!" Fizz says. "Misunderstanding or no, it's hard to just forgive you. It's been 15 years and... That's so much time... But! I guess you didn't really ruin my life."

"You're telling me getting blown up didn't ruin your life?" Blitza asks.

"It was painful... and challenging, and y'know FUCK YOU STILL, BUT... It's not like I'm broken. And I now have someone who understands me and..."

Fizz interrupts her own monologue as she punches out more goons. "HYAH, HYAH, FUCK YOU!"

The girls land on the ground.

"My life has actually been pretty great." Fizz finishes.

"Yeah, that's lovely. You got a good thing going with that horny chicken fucker, don't ya?" Blitza smirks.

"Oh yeah, it's been... *blushes* Fantastic... UH, CUZ YOU KNOW, IT'S A GREAT GIG! And, hehe, and she's got the biggest tits! You know? Like, massive! I mean imagine, like the biggest! Just a GIANT, HUGE, LIKE A PAIR OF KAIJUS! But they're tits, ya know what I mean? LIKE BIG MONSTERS! They're BIG, they're HUGE—"

Not that Blitza doesn't enjoy hearing about a pair of fine tits, but Fizz is getting carried away.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, I get it!" Blitza puts her hand on the jester's shoulder. "I'm happy for ya, Fizz. You're as resilient as I remember. And I know you're not the best at hand-to-hand combat, but it takes a bad bitch to get burned alive but still come out at the very top."

Fizz smiles at the assassin. But then the goons start to corner them. Striker pushes them aside and walks forward.

"If ya wanna prove yourself, cowboy, here's your chance!" Crimson says.

Striker grins. "You been a pain in my ass long enough, Blitza. Now, I'm gon' break you like a FUCKIN' HORSE!"

He pulls his rope, making a whiplash noise.

"Ohhhh, don't you dare talk sexy to me." Blitza narrowed her eyes.

[A/N: Actually "Imma break you like a horse" sounds a lot more like sexy talk than an actual death threat 🤷‍♀️]

Fizz cringed. "You're still on the horse thing?!"

Blitza pulled the other girl closer. "Fizz! Remember how you used to distract my dad so I could steal his booze?" She whispered.

"I mean, yeah? Why?" Fizz whispered back.

"I need to get up to that window there to bust us out." Blitza points at the window.

Fizz grins. "Oh, don't worry! Putting on a show is what I do best!"

The jester climbed onto a pile of boxes and made an announcement.

"Okay, everyone! Even though you kidnapped me, tied me up in a way that didn't turn me on, and forced me to spend time with a demon I hate... I'm gonna share my special song with you!"

She cleared her throat and began to sing.

Fizzarollia: "♫ When I was a young girl, I never thought it comes to this. ♫"

As she sings, she moves around to put her arms around Crimson and his goons.

Fizzarollia: "♫ The scars all seem to heal... And soon all I feel is regret. ♫"

Fizzarollia: "♫ And noooow, I'm a grown woman. I've lost it all again! ♫"

She climbs back onto the boxes.

Fizzarollia: "♫ But what I'll miss the most... ♫"

Blitza throws "confetti" trash over Fizz.

Fizzarollia: "♫ Pay close attention, while you get a look at...♫"

Blitza is about to leave but Fizz pulls her back. She spins the assassin around like a ballroom dance, then dips her down.

Wait, is she about to kiss me? Blitza wonders, a heavy blush on her face. I wouldn't mind that.

Unfortunately, all Fizz wanted was something shiny she could use as a distraction, as she had nothing in her own pockets.

Fizz takes out Blitza's keychain with a golden unicorn figurine on it.

"This!" She shows it to the goons.

She drops Blitza down, making the other girl very disappointed she didn't get a kiss. But then she sneaks away as Fizz keeps singing.

Fizzarollia: "♫ Yeah, look at this! ♫"

Her song was about literally nothing at all. It was just making them look in the opposite direction from Blitza so they don't notice her breaking the window open.

But soon she ran out of distractions. She resorted to singing in Italian, but she only knows a few words of Italian so her singing was just gibberish. But all of the goons believed it was a real song and they started crying, except for Crimson, as he's the only one who actually speaks Italian.

Meanwhile, Blitza blowtorched the window but the blowtorch stopped working. She found a stick of dynamite and used it to break the window.

Blitza throws a stick of dynamite at Fizz, telling her it's time to go. The mafia goons look up to Blitza, who flips them off, causing them to draw their guns.

Fizzarollia: "♫ This little song is driving me insane!♫"

They fire at Blitza, but Fizz winds up her arm into a spring before punching Striker in the face.

Fizzarollia: "♫ My exhaustion is audible! Now, the ending is probable! CUZ' THIS RUSE IS IMPOSSIBLE to maintain! ♫"

Fizz stretches up, allowing Blitza to leap onto her back.

Fizzarollia: "♫ So, fuckiiin'... ♫"

She leans back, and slingshots forward into the hole with Blitza riding on her back.

Fizzarollia: "♫ BYE-BYEEE! ♫"

The girls give their kidnappers the middle finger as they fly out. The whole warehouse caves in and collapses.

Outside, Fizz and Blitza laugh happily as they run free. They both stop, panting.

"You know, you're actually pretty good at this action-hero bullshit!" Fizz praised.

"And you know how to put on a show better than anyone else!" Blitza replied.

Fizz laughs, then stops when they both find a broken truck. They give each other a smirk. Blitza breaks the window as they both head over to the truck and jury rig it.

Blitza opens the passenger door, then pinches her skirt and curtsies. "Royal jesters first."

Fizz giggles before heading into the passenger's seat until she is dragged away by a rope abruptly. Blitza screams and looks out the window. The taller woman gets on the roof of the car and points her flintlock.

"Get... Your... fucking shit-stain claws off her!"

The smoke clears to show Striker laughing manically with his blessed revolver in hand. He was dirty, bruised, tangled hair and ripped clothes. He looked like a crazed trash rat.

"You think I'm just gon' let you get away after all this?" He spins the revolver in his hand then sticks it in Fizz's cheek. "I'm through losin' these fights! This worthless little pet reeks of her over-bloated mistress... I'll at least enjoy gettin' rid of 'er."

Fizz smiles nervously. "Okay... Is it bad that I'm getting wet?"

Unfortunately, Striker had learned not to get distracted that easily from the time Blitza distracted him with "Oh... Harder."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. "WHY'S IT ALWAYS A SEX THING?!"

[A/N: Striker asking that in Helluva Girlboss is the equivalent of Flynn Ryder asking "Why does everyone keep singing?" or Elsa saying "You can't marry a man you just met" in a Disney flick]

Blitza notices gasoline cans behind Striker. She didn't want to do this, but she didn't have a choice. She had to distract his crazy ass before he murdered Fizz.

She shoots the gasoline cans, which catch fire and explode. Fizz flies, hitting a billboard and falling to the ground surrounded by green flames. Striker frantically rolls on the ground to put out the flames on him, making distressed critter noises before running off.

Blitza went to follow him. This was her chance! Now that he's injured, he should be easy to kill.

But then she noticed Fizz was still surrounded by flames like she was many years ago in the circus fire. She tries to use her robotic limbs to reach a car and swing to safety, but her arms are too damaged and malfunction.

"FIIIIZZZZZ!" Blitza screamed desperately, immediately forgetting all about Striker.

Blitza jumps on a barrel and rolls through the yard, jumping and grabbing onto swinging bars and springboarding off cars. She runs across the crane arm and uses her tail to hang onto the crane hook, reaching out for Fizz. They successfully grab hands and get flung in the air. They grab onto each other as they are about to fall until Fizz stretches her robotic arm and grabs onto the crane, making them land safely.

After getting over her shock, Fizz grabs Blitza and gives her a violent shake.

"YOU BLEW ME UP AGAIN, YOU FUCKIN' PRICK!"

"I did... But this time I didn't run away."

Fizz turns her back on Blitza, frowning. But then she realizes, Fuck it, it's waaaaaaay too much work to keep being mad at her.

She turns back around and wraps Blitza in a hug. The other woman, who wasn't expecting it, hugs her back with tears in her eyes.

"Wooooould it... Fuck up the moment if we made out right now?"

Fizz leans back and glares at her.

"What? A gal can't try her luck with her super beautiful, super talented, newly-rekindled bestie?" Blitza asked.

"I'm married, dumbass." Fizz said flatly.

***

"I've signed the contract. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY WIFE?" Moddie demands (once again forgetting not to use the word "wife").

"Sorry, but I can't give you your wife until birdie here signs her contract too." The lawyer says.

He hands Starla the contract to save Blitza.

"How long is that gonna take?" Moddie asks.

"Don't worry, Moddie, I'll sign it quick." Starla promised. "As soon as I'm done reading it."

"Oh, no, it won't be that quick." The lawyer smirked. "I'm afraid there are multiple steps to this contract as well, possibly even more steps than there were to yours—"

Moddie slams her hands on the desk and grabs the lawyer by the shirt, making him yelp.

"THAT'S IT! I'm going to fucking END YOUR LIFE!"

Suddenly they hear the curtains. Fizz enters the room, panting heavily while clenching her arm. Her dress was ripped, her hair a mess, her makeup smudged, her skin covered in ash... but she was alive.

Moddie drops the lawyer into his chair and runs to her wife. "Fizzie!"

Fizz's eyes fill with tears. "Moddie!"

Moddie scoops up her wife and they twirl around and hug. Moddie affectionately showers Fizz with kisses.

"I missed you, Moddie!"

"I was so worried about you, babygirl!"

Blitza popped her head around the curtain. "Fizz? Oh, good, you're—"

"Blitzy!" Starla squealed, swiftly scooping Blitza up. "Oh, thank Satan you're okay! I was so worried! Oh, I am going to love you all night long!"

"So much for my plans of going home and getting some well-deserved rest." Blitza chuckled.

Starla noticed the lawyer packing his briefcase to run away. She smirked, adjusted her hold on Blitza, and kept walking. "Hmm. Get fucked, little one."

The lawyer is ready to run away, but he hears Fizz chuckling before seeing her and Moddie standing above him.

"Fizzie, get my hair for me?" Moddie asks sweetly.

"Sure, babe." Fizz ties Moddie's hair up into a ponytail.

The lawyer backs away in his chair. "OH, MY SATAN—!"

***

2 hours later (yes, the lawyer's death lasted 2 whole hours, because that's what happens to those who mess with the Sin of Lust and her wife), the couple exited the office.

"I'm so glad you're okay, babe..." Moddie nuzzles Fizz. "You ain't never leaving the palace without protection again."

[A/N: I heard some dumbasses say it's "toxic" for Moddie to say that, but it's not toxic. That's a valid way to react after your partner was just kidnapped]

She walks down the hall with Fizz in her arms. Her workers are stunned to notice her doing romantic but not sexual actions on the imp woman.

Fizz lowered her head and blushed. "Mod, you know there's eyes around..."

Moddie smiled. "I know. I don't care. Cuz they know, if they tell anyone, I'll..."

She punches a nude statue right in the dick, causing a large crack and large chunks to fall off the statue.

"...BREAK THEM."

After the workers see that, they immediately leave the room.

Fizz laughs while her wife presses a button on the elevator. "Well, don't worry, today I learned that I hate going outside!"

"You won't have to again." Moddie assures as they board the elevator.

The Sin takes her wife to the workshop where she fixes her if her robotic limbs get broken.

"I'm sorry... I got a little messy..."

"You don't have to apologize for getting banged up, babe!" Moddie says as she sets down a toolbox. "I'm just sorry I couldn't be there..."

Fizz gives a smile. "It's okay, Mod... Guess I'm just not used to this kind of thing."

Moddie sighs. "It's been an intense day, so just try to relax."

"Soooo... besides my whole scary hostage thing, how was your day?"

Moddie sets down a box and grabs some scissors. "Well, I was stuck with Starla the whole time, who, by the way, asked me to give her one of my crystals, as a gift for that lady you hate! So! I told her... "NO!" Mhmm!" She says proudly.

As Moddie cuts the sleeve from Fizz's broken arm, the jester flinches, scared of sharp objects. But Moddie is gentle.

"Meh... Fuck it. Let her have it."

Moddie blinks. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah, why not? She helped me out today, I probably would've never escaped the mafia if it wasn't for her. She's earned it."

The Sin shrugged. "Allright then... ♫Anything for you...♫"

Moddie installs Fizz's new robotic arm, which activates as soon as it's attached. Fizz excitedly bounces off the walls until she lands in Moddie's arms, the latter walking to the door.

"Now! I don't know about you, but having a violent brush with crime has given me a whole mess of new kinks! You wanna go... "make a mess?"" She smirked suggestively.

Moddie raised an eyebrow. "You really think that's a good idea right now, Fizz?"

"Sure, don't you?"

Being the literal embodiment of Lust, her answer was: "Well... Obviously."

"Meow meow, cuddle meow..." Fizz giggled. But making those kitten noises reminded her of her dogs. "Oh shit! Moddie, I totally forgot! The dogs... they're still on the streets of the Greed Ring!"

"Don't worry, babygirl." Moddie reassured. "I already sent someone to search the Greed Ring for them. And I know those doggos are smart, they won't go running into traffic or anything while they wait to be brought home."

"Best wife ever." Fizz leaned her head on Moddie's chest as they went into their bedroom to do a sexy kidnapping roleplay.

Then Fizz giggled, and Moddie asked, "What's funny, babe?"

"I was just thinking..... when you and your bestie stop talking, nothing like a good kidnapping to help you rekindle your friendship."

The end

Chapter Text

Barbie-Wire pushed the wheelchair down the hall of the hospital. She'd taken Fizz for a walk outside... well, Barbie was the one taking the "walk". Fizz still had no limbs, so she had to be pushed in her wheelchair.

Once they'd reached Fizz's room, Barbie lifted her friend out of the wheelchair and onto the bed.

"You're strong." Fizz commented. "Or maybe I've just become super light now."

"Nah, it's 'cuz I'm strong as hell. Trapeze art will do that to a person." Barbie bragged playfully, flexing her bicep. But then her smile dropped. "Not that anyone is gonna hire me to do trapeze performances anymore. My career is basically over now that the circus got burned to a crisp."

"I'm sure you'll find work somewhere else."

"Like where? A janitor at a restaurant?" Barbie huffed. "This sucks shit."

Fizz frowned. She didn't like that Barbie was whining about her own troubles while Fizz was the one sitting on a hospital bed.

"You really shouldn't be complaining." Fizz scolded. "You're lucky enough that your ass didn't get licked by the flames in that fire. Me and Tilla weren't that fortunate."

Barbie blinked, then tears gathered in her eyes. "M-Mama..."

Shit. Fizz immediately felt terrible for saying that. While both of them were distraught by Tilla's death, Barbie was obviously more sad. Tilla had been Barbie's mother. Fizz had to be more mindful not to reopen the wound in Barbie's heart.

"Sorry, I— I didn't mean—"

"No, no, you're right." Barbie swiped her tears away. "I shouldn't be complaining. You and Mama got the short end of the stick, not me." Then she sat on the edge of Fizz's bed. "But don't worry, Fizz, we'll have prosthetic limbs ready for you soon. We just have to finish designing them to fit your size. Then you'll be able to do clowning and gymnastics and literally everything you used to do."

Fizz gave a sad but hopeful smile. Designing prosthetics that could move as smoothly as real body parts was still kinda new to doctors. They'd only done it on a few patients before, and the results had been... mixed.

The door opened and Cash stepped into the room. "Hey, girls."

"Hey, Cash/Dad." Fizz and Barbie replied.

"You feelin' any better, Fizzie?"

"To be honest, I still feel shitty." Fizz confessed.

Cash rubbed Fizz's shoulder. "You'll feel less shitty when we get those prosthetics going for ya. You'll be back to performing the moment you get them. I already planned how we're gonna have a show with you as the star..... because aren't you always the star of the show, Fizzie~"

Fizz just nodded, figuring she shouldn't talk back to her boss. Even though he was going against EVERY ORDER the doctors had given them. But Barbie frowned.

""Back to performing"? Dad, she can't just perform the moment she gets her prosthetics. The doctors said she needs a few weeks to learn how to use them before she can do anything drastic."

Cash glared at his daughter. "Barbie, you stay out of this."

"I'm just reminding you what the doctors said." Barbie insisted. "Fizz can't do drastic shit just yet."

"Hey! I lost a fuckton of money when my circus burned down!" Cash snapped. "I have to earn back the money I lost, otherwise we won’t even be able to pay the hospital bills!"

Barbie sighed heavily. Fizzarollia was always Cash's favourite, and while he pampered and loved her more than he loved his own children, he also pushed her very hard. Sometimes children do need to be pushed in the right direction. But not when they're literally in the hospital with all 4 limbs amputated.

"Dad, you know what... don't make Fizz perform. I'll do it for you."

Cash pulled a face, unimpressed. "You? Your acrobat routine doesn't attract nearly as many fans as clown routines do."

"I'll still be able to earn some money. Just don't force Fizz to do anything."

"Fiiiiiine," Cash relented, "but remember Fizz can't stay MIA forever. She has to go back to performing sooner or later." Then he left, shutting the door behind him.

"Can't believe my dad is being such a dick." Barbie huffed. "How can he be so harsh on an injured woman?!"

"Thanks for taking the heat for me." Fizz said, then she yawned. "I... well, I think I wanna go to bed early."

"Sure. I'll help you get ready for bed." Barbie offered.

***

Blitza came into the hospital. She would've come sooner, but nobody told her exactly which hospital her family and Fizzarollia were in. She had to track them down herself.

Blitza asked a nurse which floor Fizz was on, then climbed up to that floor. She saw a room with the door slightly ajar, and got a glimpse of her best friend sleeping there.

"Fizz!" She smiled, jogging over to that room, but someone grabbed her arm and whirled her around. She found herself staring into Cash Buckzo's furious eyes.

"What are you doing here, girl?" He demanded.

Cash noticed the scary-looking burn scar on Blitza's face, but he didn't bother asking if she was okay.

"Dad! It literally took me forever to get here!" Blitza rambled. "I was searching everywhere! I had to–"

"I don't wannna hear it." Cash said. "Get out of here."

"...Huh?"

"Get out of here!" He pointed to the staircase. "Leave! Nobody wants you here, you little shit!"

"B-But Dad, I came here for Fizz—"

"Fizz don't wanna see your sorry-assed face!" He gave Blitza a shove. "She knows you started the fire!"

"I didn't start the fire! This guy was carrying a cake with lit candles and I—"

"You know what, I don't have time for this. SECURITY! WE GOT A BITCH WHO WON'T HIT THE ROAD!"

2 security guards came immediately. "Sorry, only family members can come here."

"I am a family member! I'm basically Fizzarollia's sister!" Blitza protested.

They ignored her and started to drag her away.

"Stop it! Get off me! Stop!" Blitza screamed and kicked her legs as she was dragged away from Fizz's hospital room. She reached her hand out desperately, but Cash grabbed her wrist and pushed it back.

"Stop! Stop! I have to see my friend!"

"She don’t wanna see you, Blitza." Cash told her. "She hates you."

"She can't... she has to know it was an accident! Dad, TELL HER IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Blitza begged as the guards dragged her away.

Cash stood there, feeling 0 remorse for how he'd separated his daughter from her bestie. It's better this way. Blitza's deadweight is just slowing Fizz down.

"Cash?" Fizz groggily sat up in bed. "What was all that noise?"

"Nothing, Fizzie. Sorry to wake you."

"Was that Blitza?" Fizz asked hopefully, craning her neck to look in the hallway. "I thought I heard her voice—"

"No, it was some other lady comin' to visit someone. Security wanted to check her bag and she started freaking out." Cash lied.

"O-Oh." Fizz deflated in disappointment.

"I told you, Blitza isn't gonna visit. She ran away. She ain't comin' back, Fizzie."

This might be a lie, but Cash told himself this is what's best for his star employee.

The end

Chapter Text

Blitza and Fizzarollia walked together, holding hands, while Fizz's other hand held the leash of her favourite dog Precious. They couldn't believe they'd become besties again after 15 years of hating each other... just because of a lie told by Cash Buckzo.

"If I ever run into the old man, he's gonna pay for lying to us." Blitza vowed. "I always knew he didn't like me, but this shit is seriously going too far."

"I'd happily give you his location, but I don't know where he is." Fizz shrugged. "I cut contact with him after I left him to go work for Mammon."

"Speaking of Mammon, you know that clown pageant he throws every year? I never watch it 'cuz I'm not a clown anymore, I quit that job to be an assassin instead. But are you gonna be in it again this year?"

"Yeah! Of course! I've won 10 years straight, and this'll be my 11th win." Fizz proudly lifted her chin.

"10 years straight? That's tight." Blitza praised. "You've idolized Mammon since you were 12. Is he everything he's cracked up to be?"

"Wellllllll... not really." Fizzarollia admitted.

Blitza raised an eyebrow.

"Sometimes he's really harsh on me and his other clown employees." Fizz confessed. "But, you know, what boss doesn't push his employees to their limits?"

"I don't push my employees to their limits." Blitza said.

"Uh, anyway!" Fizz quickly changed the subject. "Tell me about the Immediate Murder Professionals!"

Blitza suspected Mammon was probably being abusive to Fizz. But she allowed her friend to change the subject.

They spent the rest of their walk yapping about everything they'd been up to since the circus burned down. Blitza talked about how she'd started the Immediate Murder Professionals, dated Verosika Mayday, adopted a hellhound called Lunar, and she fucks Princess Starla on full moons. Fizz talked about how she'd become a famous jester working for Mammon, started working for Asmodeus as well, started dating Asmodeus, then gotten married to the Sin of Lust in secret.

Once they returned to Asmodeus's palace, Fizz gave Blitza a dog treat and told her to feed it to Precious.

"I don't have any dogs at home." Blitza told her. "Except Lunar of course, but he's my son, not my pet. My apartment allows pets, but they're such a hassle for me."

She knelt down and fed the dog treat to Precious, making the albino puppy lick her hand happily.

"Hah, I remember how you used to beg my mom and dad to let you have a pet." Blitza said.

"They never said yes, 'cuz having a pet is hard when you live in a travelling circus." Fizz recalled. "But I have a whole pack of dogs now."

"Hey, you know what I wanna do?" Blitza grinned excitedly. "Let's do some hairstyling! Your hair could sure use a little curl."

"Oh, I... I don't know." Fizz bit her lip as she gently shooed Precious away.

Hairstyling means I have to take off my hat and show off my broken horns.

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Blitza insisted, dashing upstairs to Fizz's bedroom to get something. She returned to the living room, carrying a curling iron and bottle of hairspray.

"Heh heh... remember that one time you cut my hair and it looked awful?" Fizz asked. "Cash was furious with you, and even Tilla was angry you did that to me. I had to wear a wig until it grew back properly. Maybe we shouldn't—"