Archive of Our Own ^beta

   Michael stared off into Jake’s mirror, looking at himself. Staring into his pathetic soul. Jeremy was right. He was a loser. He knew that. He knew he was a loser.

   So why did it hurt whenever Jeremy called him one?

   He stood there, staring into his reflection. Staring into his pathetic, depressing, reflection.

   Without thinking much, he brought his arms up to trace every single detail on his face. Every single lamentable detail. Every single horrible quality he could see.

   It was supposed to be Jeremy and Michael. That’s the way it had always been. The 2 losers, just sticking together. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He wasn’t supposed to be alone.

   But here he was.

   Alone.

   He felt tears falling down his cheeks and onto his hands, still tracing every mess up thing about him. He looked at his face, reflecting on a past conversation-

   How could he be so stupid? I’ll never be too cool for ‘video games’ his ass.

   And Michael believed him, too. He believed that stupid, pathetic, liar.

   Well, at least pathetic then.

   The only pathetic one now was him,

   Looking in the mirror:

   His face wet;

   His fingers ripping apart imperfections,

   Which was basically everything he was seeing;

   His throat sore from the sobs,

   Sore from the air coming in and out;

   His light-weighted head;

   And…

   A bathtub in the background.

   He looked at it long and hard.

   Maybe this is what was supposed to happen.

   He hid in the bathtub, now he’ll be found in it.

   Well, again.

   Except this time he wouldn’t be hiding from people.

   He’d be escaping from this shit.

   A knock breaks his train of thought.

   Shit.Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

   A voice yells from outside the door,

   “Hello? Other people need to pee!”

   He used his excuse he had been saving up;

   He raised his voice higher than normal before saying,

   “I’m having my period!”

   He heard a few words after that, but his brain couldn’t decipher them.

   A pad slid under the door, which he thought was a good ahead for him continuing his mental breakdown.

   He grabbed the pad and put it on the sink.

   He could hear music outside.

   He could hear multiple people having fun with their friends.

   He could hear arguments.

   He could hear pounding coming from the upstairs.

   He could hear everything.

   But nothing could overpower his thoughts.

   He looked around once more and once again fixated on the tub.

   He didn’t want to kill himself in Jake’s tub, though.

   He’d be called an attention seeker.

   He didn’t want attention, he wanted a way out.

   He had to find a way out…

   He looked at the window at the top of the wall, slightly opened.

   It wasn’t big enough for him to go through, but he could try…

   Slowly, he got up the wall and squeezed through the window gap.

   It took him a while, but after he was out, he ran to his car.

   The PT cruiser was waiting for him right where he left it.

   He entered the car, sat on the drivers seat and just sobbed.

   He grasped the steering wheel, hugging it for support.

   Turning it on, he cleared his eyes and headed home.

   He made it there, surprisingly not crashing into any drunk people, and parked the car in its "assigned spot" in the garage, before taking a stroll.

   His breath was still shaky and his hands were still twitching.

   He had to find a way out.

   He walked as far as he could, still in the constraints of the town.

   He was near a small park, now. Mostly greenery.

  Jeremy and him used to go when they were younger

   But that didn’t matter now.

   He ran to the middle of the park, where a small playground was.

   Where Jeremy and him used to play pretend.

   Where they used to imagine they were game characters.

   Which didn’t matter anymore, either.

   He looked around, desperately trying to find something…

   Something that could work.

   Anything.

   His eye spots a rope, which was attached to the play set.

   His eye focuses on the rope.

   The rope.

   He tries to tug the rope as hard as he can,

   Trying to get it to detach.

   After minutes of pulling the rope between cries, he was able to get a good chunk of the rope loose and a good amount of rope burn.

   He went deeper into the park.

   Deeper than anyone would ever dare to go.

   He didn’t care anymore.

   He wanted out.

   He needed out.

   He pulled out his phone.

   He sent a message to his moms.

   He said sorry.

   He said he loved them.

   He said he wouldn’t be making it to any family dinners.

   He said this was it.

   He said they shouldn’t worry.

   He said he was in a better place now. Or a worse one.

   He said goodbye.

   He turned off location.

   He was going to turn off the phone.

   He stopped.

   He sent another message.

   He sent a message to Jeremy.

   He said goodbye.

   He said he loved him.

   He said if he ever needed it, the Mountain Dew red was in the basement.

   He said it was right next to the other sodas.

   He turned off his phone.

   He climbed up a tree.

   He tied one end of the rope to the tree.

   He tied the other into a noose.

   He put it around his neck.

   He jumped.

   He lived.

   Fuck.

   He didn’t want this.

   This hurt.

   He wanted his moms to hug him.

   He wanted his friend back.

   He wanted to live until he was actually free.

   He wanted to live to have a boyfriend.

   He wanted a family.

   He didn’t want to die in this stupid tree.

   He tried getting the noose off.

   His hands scratched and pulled.

   He couldn’t breathe.

   He was choking for air.

   His hands weren’t working. They weren’t working. He needed out he needed out of this he couldn’t breathe he was going to die he was going to die his hands were hurting and they were starting to bleed from tugging on the rope no he couldn't die like this he couldn't die.

   Against his will, his hands gave up, his body following soon after.

    Now he’ll be known as the gay loser who killed himself because his best friend who he had a crush on ignored him.

   Now he’ll be known as the weird gay kid who hung himself on a random tree at the park.

   Now he’ll be known as antisocial headphones kid who killed himself.

   Now he won’t get to graduate.

   He won’t get to be cool.

   He won’t get to go to prom.

   He won’t get to do all the plans he had for senior year.

   Even if they might’ve been lame to some people.

   He won’t be able to love again… or hate…

   He’ll never get a boyfriend.

   He’ll never tell his moms how much they meant to him again.

   He’ll never get to eat his favorite foods.

   He’ll never be able to get a red slushy at 7/11 again.

   He’ll never be able to go to college.

   He’ll never get over this.

   He’ll never be someone.

   He’ll be a loser,

   Because that’s all he was.

   A fucking pathetic loser.