Archive of Our Own ^beta

It had rained for days. The sky was always gray. The wind blew so hard through the trees that leaves covered the paths of the cemetery. There was no one around for miles. 

One of the graves was new. On the loose earth lay dozens of wreaths, single flowers, a stuffed animal, grave lights. Lilies. Roses. Jasmine. White callas. The stuffed animal, a little black panther. In between, pictures blurred by the rain. Smiling faces of young men. Brothers. A few photos of a happy couple. 

The grave was not yet covered with a stone plate. 

A croak mingled with the roar of the wind and the patter of the rain. A single crow sailed through the air, drifted with the gusts, and landed on the luxurious white marble headstone of the fresh grave. The inscription on it, in black letters, below the portrait of a radiantly beautiful young man. Smiling. Sharp features framed by long dark hair. Warm brown eyes.

Kim Khimhant Theerapanyakun - You were loved.

The crow croaked once more before pecking its beak against the hard material of the tombstone, as if to pick a hole in it. 

A particularly strong gust of wind swept over the grave, over the tombstone, causing the crow to spread its wings.

The earth shook. One of the wreaths of flowers swayed with an unnatural movement, causing the tower of grave goods to waver as a hand thrust itself out of the earth. Then an arm. Another hand. The earth cracked open and a young man rose from the grave. Panting. Immediately drenched by the incessant rain. 

A painful, bloodcurdling scream of agony broke through the sounds of nature. The croaking of the crow joined the scream.

They ran. For what seemed like an eternity. Through narrower and narrower side streets. Deeper and deeper into the darkest parts of Bangkok. Pursuers always seemed to join them. In the beginning, five men had ambushed them. Kim and Big had managed to stop them. But more had joined them and they had to flee. Running. Chay always in the middle. Big in the back, Kim in front. They had no idea who these men were. They all wore masks. They couldn't be identified. They didn't seem open to negotiation. Kim had tried. 

So they ran. 

Until ultimately a group of men came toward them. They were surrounded. 

Everything happened too fast and too slow at the same time. Some of the men pulled Chay away from Kim. They had fun threatening him with all sorts of things and putting into practice what they had only talked about before. 

Kim and Big had no chance to defend themselves. Or to protect Chay from anything. They were forced to watch until one of the men finally pointed a gun at Kim and pulled the trigger without warning. 

Once. Twice. 

No one could have imagined that Kim would die without a fight. 

There was silence for a few moments. 

Then all hell broke loose again. Gunshots. Screams. The sound of footsteps quickly moving away. 

When they finally got Chay and Big free, they were both barely alive. 

Kim was dead.

“People once believed that when someone dies, a crow carries their soul to the land of the dead. But sometimes, something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with it and the soul can't rest. Then sometimes, just sometimes, the crow can bring that soul back to put the wrong things right.”

The machine had been beeping constantly for weeks. A few days ago they had been able to turn off the breathing machine. That was progress. Chay's body seemed to want to live. His mind seemed to hang between life and death. Not sure which side he would choose. 

At first they hadn't left his side. Kinn and Porsche had moved into Chay's hospital room and monitored his every breath, controlled by a machine. Eventually they had received the information that he would survive. At least his body would. Kinn had gone back to work, concentrating solely on bringing those responsible to justice. They still didn't know who they were. An unknown, destructive threat. 

In the meantime, they had to attend a funeral. 

People can get used to a lot of things. Apparently, one man got used to talking to his lifeless brother. Every day. For a few hours. Then he went back to his daily routine. Eventually, Porsche stopped spending nights in the hospital room. Several doctors and psychologists had convinced Kinn that it was not good for Porsche. For Porsche, who was alive. Chay was more like dead. 

The first night without Porsche, a crow had perched outside the hospital room window and hadn't left its post since. The second night, someone had crept into the room and sat on the sofa. His elbows on his knees, his face buried in his hands, under the watchful eye of the crow. 

Big had not been cleared for duty. He had failed the psychological test twice. Of course, Kinn kept him on the main family compound. Not that Big spent more than a few hours a day in his own quarters. He had taken over the constant watch in Chay's hospital room. Sitting on the sofa. His face in his hands. Under the watchful eye of the crow. 

"You don't have to stay here, Big. We have guards outside his door around the clock."

But Big stayed.

Eventually, bodies began to appear. All over Bangkok. Horribly mutilated, horribly torn bodies. Only the fingerprints were intact. They were able to match the men's bodies to the perpetrators of the attack. One by one. And more and more bodies appeared, until they picked up one of the men alive. Distraught. Frightened. Talking confusedly and otherwise confessing to everything. The attack on Kim, Chay and Big and much more. Kinn, Porsche and their men were able to smash a child trafficking and prostitution ring, take down the people behind it, save dozens of innocent lives. 

Then Chay woke up. At first he didn't speak. He just stared around, unfocused. He didn't seem to realize what had happened. His eyes wandered off during every conversation. He couldn't remember anything. After a few days they told him what had happened to Kim. Chay accepted it as if he had already suspected it. 

The crow sat at the window and croaked.

He spent the first few days after being released from the hospital wing in Porsche's room. His brother never left his side. It became too much at some point. Chay couldn't stand to be near him, didn't want to be touched. He didn't talk. 

And he didn't cry. Not even once.

Chay retreated to his room. He barely got out of bed. And so more weeks passed. 

Big had taken up position in front of Chay's door. Although there were always several guards patrolling the corridor, he stayed until human needs tore him away for a few hours. Then he came back. No one tried to stop him anymore. Everyone had somehow accepted that they had lost Big's spirit, just as they had lost Chay's. They just hoped they would come back some day. 

It was a particularly stormy, rainy day when the sound of raindrops hitting the windows was joined by the sound of croaking. The crow. Chay had seen it outside his window so often in the last few weeks that he had gotten used to it. Sometimes, when he went out on the balcony to get some fresh air, it was there too, looking at him with its head tilted back. Other people were talking to their cat. Chay talked to a black bird. 

That day it was the crow again, tapping its beak against the window. Chay responded by knocking on the glass from the inside. His own knocking mixed with a knocking on the door of his room. Since Chay had already gotten up anyway, he went to open it.

It was Big. Big who looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. He was about to speak when Chay interrupted him. "Me neither..."

"I didn't say anything."

"I can't sleep either."

"That wasn't..."

"Just come in."

When Big quietly closed the door behind him and turned to Chay, he just stood there staring at him. Chay's clothes hung far too large on his body. He had pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his fingers. 

"Chay, you..."

"Uh-uh... no, don't." Chay looked at Big for a moment, then turned and went back to his bed. "I'm cold."

Big followed him. He stood indecisively at the threshold of Chay's bedroom and watched as Chay buried himself in his blankets.

"Can you come here? I couldn't stand having Porsche next to me, but..."

As soon as Big had carefully laid down alongside him, Chay crawled over and rested his head on his chest. Big's arm slipped naturally around him and he began to stroke Chay's hair. 

Just like Kim had always done.

And Chay broke down. All the tears that just couldn't come burst out of him. The violent sobs shook his body as Chay clawed his hands into Big's shirt to find something to hold on to. So that he wouldn't disintegrate completely. The pain and grief washed over him as if he realized for the first time what he had lost. His love. His boyfriend. They had finally found each other. "I miss him so much." It felt as if he was losing his breath. As if something was pressing on his lungs and sucking all the air out. "I wish I was dead." 

It took Chay a while to realize that Big's body was also shaking with irregular tremors. "Me too." Big left it open what he meant. 

The crow raked its beak against the window to Chay's bedroom and croaked. 

Big stayed with Chay, and no one questioned him. 

The rainy season ended. 

At some point they left the house for the first time. A walk through a park. They even bought ice cream. Big somehow belonged beside Chay now and everyone accepted it. As long as Chay talked to someone and his body adjusted to his clothes. Big never left Chay's side. Not inside the compound and certainly not outside. He had started training. More determined than ever. His psychological report had certified that he was fit for duty again. Kinn had not reinstated him to regular service. Instead, he had assigned him to Chay. Anything else would have made no sense. Still, they were not alone out there. In front of them and behind them, at some distance, were several of Porsche's men. 

They talked about unimportant things. About the plants in the park. About the weather. About the last series they had started to watch together. 

Suddenly, without warning, Chay began to run. The guards became restless, looked around and ran after him. Big was already with him. 

"Chay?"

"I saw him." Chay sped up his run again. 

"Chay, wait, what?"

"Kim. I saw Kim!"

Big caught up with Chay and brought him to a stop by wrapping his arms around him. "Chay..."

"No, let me go! I‘ve seen him! I saw him! He was right there. Let go of me!"

A crow circled above them, croaking.

It was almost the same every time they did something outside the house. After a while, Chay would run after a ghost, only to collapse, out of breath and cry. 

When Chay's condition worsened again, they didn't leave the house anymore. They just sat on the balcony, looking down at Bangkok and watching the crow sitting on the railing. 

"It's always there," Chay realized one day. "Ever since I woke up after..."

"I know."

“People once believed that when someone dies, a crow carries their soul to the land of the dead.” 

"I...know."

"I like the idea that it's Kim."

"Me too."

"It hurts so much."

"I know."

Big didn't tell Chay that he had also seen Kim when they were outside. What sense would it make? He'd seen Kim die. He'd seen Kim's body in the coffin. He had buried Kim.

"P'Big, what happened to Kim's apartment?" asked Chay one day.

"Nothing. No one has entered it since, as far as I know."

"I want to go there."

"Okay."

They drove to Kim's apartment complex, parked in the underground garage, and took the elevator up to Kim's loft. Just like Chay had done hundreds of times before. With Big. Without Big. With him this time.

"Someone was here," Chay realized immediately after he'd walked through the living room once. 

"How can you tell?"

"My photos. They're not there anymore." 

Chay started to breathe heavily. His body shook. Big led him to the big couch, sat him down, and fumbled for a plastic bag, which he held in front of Chay's mouth and nose. "Breathe. Calm down."

When his breathing became easier again, Chay looked at Big. "I want to stay here tonight."

"Okay."

They chose light sleeping clothes from Kim's closet. They showered with Kim's shower gel and shampoo. One after the other. Big felt like he was suffocating. Chay cried incessantly. 

When they lay down in Kim's bed, which was still the way he had left it, Chay snapped. "Big..." Chay whimpered, "I... I..." Chay pressed himself against Big, his head in its place on Big's chest, clawing at his shirt. Just like he'd done weeks ago, when Big had first slept in his room, in his bed. 

Platonically. Of course. They were close in their pain. Nothing more.

"I know..." Big put his hand in Chay's hair and stroked it. "I know..."

Chay couldn't even cry anymore. Everything smelled of Kim. It was as if his body would implode if he didn't do something.... Desperately, Chay stretched his face towards Big. "Please... I need... something..."

Big flinched back. His hand stopped caressing. He carefully pulled away from Chay. "No, Chay, I can't." 

And Big fled. Out of the bedroom. Out of the apartment. Across the terrace to the roof. This was where he had sat and smoked with Kim so many times. There was even the last open pack of cigarettes and a lighter, sheltered from the rain behind a crack. With shaking hands, Big lit a cigarette and blinked away his tears. 

Turning, he saw the crow. Croaking, seated on the edge of the roof. Kim was sitting right behind it. Legs dangling. He looked so much like himself and yet not at all. His face was pale as a sheet, with deep black shadows around his eyes. His hair was stringy and slightly wavy. 

"It really was you." Big wondered about himself. About his calm. About his rationality. About the fact that he didn't flinch. About the fact that he wasn't screaming in horror and fear. About the fact that he was still standing on the roof and hadn't fallen over the cliff in fright. 

"Will you give me one too?"

Big managed to do that without freaking out also. He lit a cigarette for Kim and handed it to him. 

The crow croaked and threw itself over the edge of the roof, sailed down one floor and landed in front of the bedroom window.

"You really shouldn't have left him alone." 

"I couldn't stay with him. You should go to him."

"No way. It would destroy him even more."

"And what about me? It won't destroy me?"

"Wimp. Take it like a man."

Big laughed in disbelief. "What is this? What are you? We buried you."

"Lousy job." Kim took a drag on his cigarette, looked real. His movements. The smoke he blew out. Lively.

"Seriously, Kim."

"I had things to do..."

"That was you, too. All those bodies."

"They deserved a lot worse. What they did to him..." Kim's hand that wasn't holding the cigarette clenched into a fist. He stared angrily into the dark sky.

"He can't remember."

"Good thing. The world seems to be a little merciful after all." 

"But he misses you so much. I still don't know if he'll make it."

Kim's eyes fixed on Big. His eyes, which should be dead, were full of energy. "Then make sure he makes it. Take care of my baby for me." 

"Do it yourself. You're here."

"But not for long, I'm sure."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, I didn't get any manual for this. I just know it has something to do with the bird."

"The crow."

"Yes. As long as it's alive, I'm here. Perhaps. The bird seems to keep me alive."

"Too bad for you. You were never good with pets."

Now Kim laughed. "That's what you say..."

They fell silent and smoked, and then smoked some more. Big had joined Kim on the edge of the roof. 

At one point, Big turned his face to Kim, sighed, and raised a hand to place it firmly on the back of his neck. He pulled Kim close and placed his lips on his mouth. Kissed him. Briefly, but fiercely. Kim returned the kiss as if it were nothing. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. 

"That was my biggest regret."

"What?" Kim asked, tracing the kiss. 

"Not kissing you while...before."

"Ah, aha. And I thought your biggest regret was that you couldn't save me."

"That too." Big pulled Kim close again. For another kiss. "Is this what death tastes like?"

"I don't know. To me, death tasted like damp graveyard soil."

"That's so fucked up." Big's laughter turned to sobs. "What can I do to save you now?"

"Nothing. I'm already dead."

"Fuck, Kim. Damn..."

"Just take care of Chay, please. He's still so young. He shouldn't... just grieve."

"Do you really think he can get over you? He's like a zombie."

"Then focus on bringing him back to life. Not me." 

"Fuck... Kim." Big didn't know what else to say. How could he refuse the last wish of a dead man? "I miss you so much..."

"I know."

"Will we see each other again?"

"On the other side, most likely. But make sure it takes decades, do you hear me? If you let Chay down too, I'll send you to hell!"

Big could hardly see clearly through all the tears. Kim, on the other hand, seemed calm. He was calm. Calmly dead. "Give him a kiss for me, okay? Make him happy again." 

"Hmmh," Big could only nod and try not to sob too pathetically. 

"Now go back downstairs. Chay's all broken up."

"How can you tell?" Big pushed out with difficulty.

"I can see him. Through the crow's eyes."

"Oh, you stalking bastard."

"Nice gimmick." Kim tilted his head and looked at Big. "Now go! I have no idea how much longer I'm going to be here. Maybe I'll see you again. Chay needs you more right now." 

The crow flew past Big as he walked back across the terrace into Kim's apartment. He could hear Chay's sobs coming from the bedroom. It only brought more tears to his eyes. 

When he came to a stop beside the bed, Chay looked at him with tear-filled eyes. "Where have you been?" His voice trembled. He looked so lost and helpless.

"Smoking."

"You'd taste like him if I kissed you now," Chay whispered. 

"Do you want to try?"

Instead of answering, Chay slowly sat up. Big came to him. He was still shaking. From the encounter with Kim. From all the surreal. Chay didn't seem to feel any better and this was about Chay, right? Kim had told him to take care of him. 

Slowly, to give Chay enough time to change his mind, Big approached Chay. As gently as possible, he lowered his lips to Chay's and kissed him. Much more tenderly than he had kissed Kim a few moments before. Chay sobbed into the kiss as he wrapped his arms around Big's neck and pulled him closer.

The crow sat outside the window and croaked.