Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Stede gripped the steering wheel of his BMW tightly, staring absently through the windshield at the long lines of cars ahead of him, all stalled on the three lane highway. Rush hour on a Friday. Everyone was trying to escape from their mundane little lives to relax during a mundane little weekend before doing it all over again.

You’re a weak-hearted, lily-livered little rich boy. And that’s all you’ll ever be, Stede Bonnet. His father’s words from decades ago wiggled around in him like shrapnel inching ever closer to his heart. He wasn't sure why he thought of them now. Traffic made one think. He twisted his hands around the wheel, hearing the groan of the leather, and gritted his teeth. The anger he felt was not explosive, nowhere near road rage. It was simmering, annoying, like pins and needles after one's foot woke up again after sitting wrong. How was he supposed to be anything else?

His life was planned for him. Be born male, go to the boarding school of generations of Bonnets before him in Auckland, get a university degree at the family legacy university (the University of Auckland) in something boring but useful, excel at all that, take on a junior executive position in the Bonnet Enterprises headquarters in the USA, marry whichever unfortunate girl suited the family’s needs, have a son to be his heir, perpetuate the same shit for that poor unsuspecting child, inherit the company’s majority shares after his father dies, go to board meetings, play golf on weekends at the country club with all the people he was supposed to pretend to like.

He'd checked off all those boxes already. Every single one. He’d met all the expectations. He’d succeeded. He’d excelled. So why the fuck was he supposed to feel like he didn’t deserve anything when he’d done everything he’d been told to do? No, he shouldn’t curse. Oops, sorry Mother. Yes, it was very obscene and unbecoming of a Bonnet. No, it won’t happen again. He could still see the ghost of a disdainful frown even though, like Father Bonnet, she’d passed on already. But Stede had been at the other end of that gaze often enough to have it branded onto the insides of his eyelids.

He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t. Such displays of emotion would also be obscene and unbecoming of a Bonnet. So he just twisted and twisted the steering wheel in his hands, set his jaw, and tried to make sense of the vanity plates on the car in front of him. Probably it was some pop culture reference, in which case it was hopeless for him to work it out. That was all right, though, Stede decided. Because he so very much enjoyed old things. It was one of the few happy things in his life. He’d liked school. Not the other students part, but the learning part. It wasn’t hard for him to do well there because he liked to read about pretty much anything. 19^th century fiction, history, Greek and Roman classics—he was very proud of his complete Loeb collection—world religions, entomology, and he was excellent at languages too. After all, reading Julius Caesar’s works in their original Latin really gave authenticity to the experience. He didn’t enjoy math, but he was good at it, because he had to be. He remembered getting one wrong answer on one of his math tests in primary school, and there was his mother’s disdainful glare and his father’s purpling face. Anything less than perfection was not accepted. He’d been accused of being lazy, of being a quitter, and Bonnets don’t quit!

In one act of defiance, Stede did quit the golf weekends. He wasn’t good at it and his childhood bullies turned adulthood bullies bullied him about it. All three of the Badminton twins were among the people he was supposed to pretend to like, but after he had inherited his father’s company, Stede set out on a scorched earth campaign regarding the Badmintons and his father. By quitting golf weekends. Unfortunately, Stede still had to put up with the Badmintons at work. He’d heard through the grapevine that his quitting golf weekends came as a shock to everyone, and it was the primary topic of gossip at fundraisers and soirées, at which he’d also greatly reduced his attendance. It made him feel alive knowing how much he disturbed those snobby status quo waters.

After his weekends turned up free, he had spent them at home, which Mary did not like at all. She said it got in the way of her painting hobby. She needed to be able to concentrate with her instructor and having Stede looming around, even though he kept to his study reading books, was distracting. He knew he wasn’t a good enough husband, but Mary was a good woman. Patient, at least outwardly. They hadn’t shared the same bedroom since Louis was born. He knew they had problems. But they both carried on because it was expected. He wanted to do something right. So he sought a hobby of his own outside the house and managed to pick up a volunteer position on Saturdays at the local St. Augustine Library, helping to run a book club with the charming but cheeky young librarian Lucius, who was working toward his MLIS degree.

Lucius was already running a LGBTQ+ youth fiction book club, another on best sellers, which he often grumbled about, another on erotic fiction, and a fourth, with Stede’s help—meaning Stede was doing all the work—on literary classics. At university, Stede had to study accounting and business management and get degrees in that for Bonnet Enterprises, but he also snuck in a second major in English literature. Stede had put the book club idea through as a suggestion when he’d gone to the library to check out their weekend programs. He remembered Lucius swiftly scrutinizing him with a quick pass of his eyes over Stede’s body, lingering on his wedding band, following it up with a smirk, and asking if he’d be interested in joining the LGBTQ+ book club. Stede hadn’t been interested, but recommended a literary classics club and asked if he could volunteer to start it. Lucius had put it to his superiors, and it had been approved. But Lucius required Stede to get the hang of book clubs by joining the LGBTQ+ one. So Stede had, and he’d been enjoying it and learning a lot of things he didn’t know there were to learn.

The first three Saturdays of each month were Lucius’s book clubs, and the last Saturday was Stede’s. On other days, Stede was able to volunteer returning books to the shelves or just hang out there and read. Sometimes, when Lucius’s supervisors weren’t there, Lucius dragged Stede to the reference desk to put him to work as a librarian, which suited Stede right down to the ground. At last, his wealth of pointless knowledge had a point. He was helping people, making them smile.

Sundays were family days. In the morning, he, Mary, and the children would get dressed up in their Sunday best, and head to church where all four of them were bored and stared at the ceiling. Sometimes Alma and Louis would start kicking the pews. Stede wished he could do that, but the snooty and fake parishioners wouldn’t be as forgiving. They were usually already at their tether with the children doing it, turning their heads with their lips parted tightly over something resembling smiles that didn’t reach their eyes. Oh, no, their eyes were hellfire on earth that not even God could exorcise from them. Then, the family would return home, have lunch, play board games, or sometimes the children would play video games which Stede found he was too uncoordinated to play. Stede would ask Mary about her paintings, Stede would tell her about Lucius, and they’d have civil interactions before everyone went to bed and the mundane week started all over.

But now, sitting in his car, Stede was about done with his mundane week. He just had to get home and that would be the end. He could check it off his to do list. Make it through Friday – check.

The cars started to move, and he breathed deeply. Closer, closer, closer to checking off that box! Finally, with a whoop! Stede pulled into his driveway and breathed a sigh of relief when he closed his car door. Box is checked.

Stede breathed deeply again at the front door of his rather large house, preparing for a different box to check off. He slid his key into the ornate doorknob and opened the ornate door and was met with noise. Alma and Louis arguing, footsteps hammering on the floor as they chased each other, and Mary shouting at them to behave. She exploded into the living room looking completely exhausted from her own work week at the youth center, but red-cheeked and bright-eyed from shouting. Stede probably would have looked like that too if he had shouted when he wanted to in the car.

“Hello, darling,” Stede said, crossing the room to her so they could air kiss each other on the cheek, as was their greeting at the end of each day. Kiss Mary - check!

He admired Mary, truly. She was trying. He could see she was trying. Expectations of duty and patience were effectively hammered into her, and she carried out these expectations gracefully for going on twelve years now. She was small but fierce and determined, and it helped her to steadily power through their disappointing marriage. At eight years her senior and having never had a relationship before, Stede was often too aware of stealing her life from her. He felt it more and more every year, but bless her, she said nothing about it. He had no experience with pretty much anything, and so it became clear from the start that their lives would be dull. It wasn’t fair. She had been only 25 years old. Being pushed to marry someone who had nothing to offer in the way of romance, who could only fumble around at best in the dark under the sheets to bring two beautiful children into the world together. At least they had the children.

Alma, with her long blond hair flying behind her tied in a blue ribbon, ran into the room first, Louis chasing after her. Whatever fight they were having was forgotten and they ran to hug Stede. The right corner of Mary’s lips turned up slightly, and she and Stede’s eyes met and they smiled kindly at each other.

“How was your day?” Stede asked Mary.

She didn’t have to work. They were well enough off where she could be one of those trophy wives Stede had heard about back when he struggled through golf weekends. But Mary would not have any part of that. She, too, decided to rebel against some expectations. She studied education at university and applied herself to special programs at the youth center which oftentimes included dealing with the sort of parents who blame everyone else for their poor parenting. That was miles more exhausting than dealing with the actual children.

Mary had also been adamant that she and Stede raise their kids to be “relatively normal,” as she put it. Meaning no nannies, no help in the house, just good old fashioned family struggling through the day to day of holding their lives together. It was chaotic, sure. But Stede also agreed to be done with the whole “having servants” sort of thing that his own parents thought separated them as civilized from everyone else who didn’t have maids and cooks. Not that Stede was against these professions, but he couldn’t help but remember how his parents and others in their circle treated the staff, and he wanted to avoid being like that himself. So they had their big fancy house with loads of rooms for different things, and their fancy cars, and all their stuff, but they did their own cooking and cleaning and taking care of the children. And their circle knew it, and it made them uncomfortable. Sometimes Stede and Mary entertained themselves at the fancy parties by telling their circle about all the domestic things they do themselves just to see how quickly they could shatter the façade of friendliness. It was one of the few things they enjoyed together.

“Tiring,” was all that Mary answered. “You?”

“The same,” Stede replied. Because it was the same. It was always the same. Everything the same all the time. Same, same, same.

“Dinner should be ready,” she said, turning and heading to the kitchen and signaling that Stede and the children should go to the dining room.

And so the evening passed as it always did with Alma and Louis chirping about random things and making faces at each other across the table, while Mary and Stede ate in strained silence unless speaking to the children. They took turns putting the children to bed, and tonight Stede tucked in Louis and read him a story about sailboats, since Louis was in some kind of boat phase. Stede was rather content with this, as he was also interested in boats. He promised Louis he could help him build a model if he liked. When he went to kiss Alma goodnight she was already drifting. He said only a soft goodnight, and she gurgled something back to him. Outside the master bedroom Mary gave a nod without making eye contact and shut the door behind her.

Stede strode to his study, opened the book he’d selected for his book club that would be meeting in a couple of weeks, Sense and Sensibility. He’d wanted to start with Hamlet or Othello, but Lucius advised him that mostly old ladies—and his idea of old was anyone older than him—went to these and maybe he should start with something “Jane Austeny” or that “toxic relationship one”, by which he meant Wuthering Heights, because “it’s not a graduate course in English literature.” So Stede had started his book club with the venerable Pride and Prejudice, and the conversation had devolved shockingly fast into admissions of Colin Firth fantasies that they ought to have left at home and arguments over which screen adaptation was better. Stede didn’t participate in this, but he had thought it common knowledge the 1995 one was the superior.

Underestimating his weariness, he fell asleep in his chair with the book on his chest, having not made it beyond the first page.

Chapter Text

“I couldn’t shake him, Stede! I tried to pass him off to one of the children’s librarians downstairs but he refused. He said it had to be me. I looked at his mom and she just nodded her head slowly like this was some decree by God or whatever I dunno. And so I said, ok what’s the title. He didn’t know. Who’s the author? He didn’t know. What’s it about? It’s about a plum. What about a plum? He didn’t know, but he did remember that the cover of the book had a huge plum on it with snakes. And then he went on about snakes while I tried to find books about plums with snakes on them and do you know, Stede, what the book was? Can you guess?” Lucius was racing headlong into a full nervous breakdown.

Stede laughed and said, “James and the Giant Peach.”

Lucius gaped at him in silence and then waved his hand in a rewind gesture while the other planted itself incredulously on his hip. “Ok, how did you know that?”

“I have kids, Lucius.”

“Well, where were you yesterday, Stede ‘I have kids’ Bonnet? Because I had an 8 year old judging me for ten whole minutes thinking I was stupid for not knowing what the fuck book he was talking about.”

“Watch your language, Lucius! We’re in a library,” Stede said, looking around for anyone who may have heard.

“Stede, we’re not open for another two minutes.” Lucius rolled his eyes dramatically. “Anyway, next time a kid comes over here I’m just going to leave. I don’t have time to play detective when they can’t even get the plot right.”

Stede raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t the whole point of a MLIS degree to learn and incorporate information literacy to help patrons find what they need?”

Lucius rolled his eyes again, “But I don’t study kid stuff! Just adult stuff!” He suddenly smiled slyly and started lazily filing books on a cart behind the reference desk. “Speaking of, are you sure you don’t want to join the erotic fiction book club? All the sweet innocent old ladies who go to it would probably be really excited to have someone closer to their age to talk with about tantric medieval peasant sex.”

Stede swiveled around in his chair. “What?”

“Oh stop clutching your pearls. Actually, it’s better not to go because they’d probably devour you whole like at the end of that book Perfume: the Story of a Murderer where they eat him like zombies because he smells like an uber-girl or whatever.”

“Why would they do that?” Stede asked.

“Eat someone who smelled nice?”

“No!” Stede replied in exasperation. “The women in your club.”

“Ohhhh.” Stede could almost feel the teasing grin spread smugly across Lucius’s face, though he couldn’t see it. “Welllllllll,” Lucius continued. “Because you’re pretty hot. As far as middle-aged volunteer librarian men go.”

Stede wiggled uncomfortably on his chair and tugged on his striped pullover sweater which was suddenly too warm. “Surely not,” he said in a small voice. He’d never thought so. No one had told him before. Mary certainly hadn’t, but he’d never told her she was pretty, so he shouldn’t have expected much there. He knew he dressed well and had good hair which he kept well-coiffed. These were essential to one’s well-being. He was especially grateful to whomever in his family had the genes that were kind enough to have significantly limited the number of grays that infiltrated his golden wheat locks. Finally, the Bonnets were good for something! Thinking of it, he absently fluffed one of his waves. He was in good enough shape, he supposed. Lucius had once told him he had a dad bod, and that this wasn’t a bad thing, but actually was a really good thing. He supposed it meant slim with some softness. And Lucius also encouraged him to expand his collection of slim-fitting trousers because apparently they did wonders for his legs. Stede had never really thought of his legs outside the occasional cramp he would get from sitting too long on the stiff boardroom chairs at Bonnet Enterprises.

“Please, you’re a total snack, Ste—” Lucius shut up as soon as he turned around again and stared wide-eyed.

“What?” Stede demanded, looking down at his sweater to see if he’d dribbled coffee on it or something. But Lucius didn’t answer; he just kept staring. Then, realizing a patron was behind him, Stede swiveled back around and almost fell off his chair.

Leaning on his elbows on the desk stood a man that Stede would never have expected to visit the library. What a terrible thought! No, he didn’t mean that this man shouldn’t visit a library, or that he wasn’t able to read, or that he wasn’t welcome. He just…he just…was…really beautiful and looked really cool. Not that beautiful and cool people weren’t allowed in the library. He was just…unexpected. Dressed all in black, so far as Stede could tell with him sprawled in his space on the counter. Black v-neck t-shirt that showed off a hawk tattoo that decorated his caramel skin, leather jacket that looked like it’d been around and seen things. He seemed to like jewelry, as his ears were filled with it, and he had various rings, and tattoos on his hands that were clasped around a pair of sunglasses. His face was kind with large brown eyes and long lashes, and a short salt and pepper beard that matched his long silvery wavy hair that he wore in a half-ponytail. When Stede didn’t say anything, he tilted his head, smiled warmly, and said in a silky voice, “Hi.”

Stede’s mouth opened and shut a couple of times before he found his voice. “Hi,” he breathed. Really? He shook his head and said more assuredly, “Hi. I’m Stede, how can I help you?”

“Well, I’m looking for a book,” the man said with his head still tilted. A Kiwi accent too! Stede noted. A compatriot!

“Oh yes, we have some of those,” Stede replied, and felt his face go hot. Of course they had books, it was a library! He chanced a look at Lucius and found the expected grimace of second-hand embarrassment.

However, the man giggled. Giggled. G-i-g-g-l-e-d. “I supposed you would. Maybe if I’m lucky you’ll have the one I’m looking for. And maybe if I’m even luckier, you’ll show me where it is.” He concluded this with a wink.

Stede cleared his throat, shifted in his chair, and pulled up the database. The man leaned in farther to try to peer around the computer screen. Poising his fingers over the keys, Stede said, “All right, let me have it.”

The man gave an easy smile with the tiniest giggle, and there was that head tilt again. “I need something on plants.”

“Plants? Ohhhh!” Stede could do plants. He knew lots about plants. Species, genuses, all the Linnaeus stuff. “Well, we have books about all sorts of plants. We have some good encyclopedias, ones on the native plants in our region, which I’ve read, because I like to be informed when I go on nature walks. Really elevates the experience to be able to tell the difference between a maple and an oak. Or Queen Anne’s lace from that one that kills you if you accidentally touch it. What’s that one called? Oh goodness I forget. Hemlock, is it? I think that’s right.”

“Stede!” Lucius cut in.

Stede blinked. Oh right. Information literacy needs more questions, less vomiting information the patron didn’t ask for. “What about plants did you want to know?” He glanced at the man, believing he’d find some manner of annoyed or bored expression, but instead he seemed quite rapt.

“Well, I think maybe now I don’t need to check out a book when I can just check out you.” His voiced seemed lower than it was a moment ago.

Stede chuckled nervously and turned back to the computer. “So…”

The man straightened at last, a more serious expression crossing his face. “Yeah, mate, I was looking for something on gardening. A friend of mine suggested I get something alive to put in my flat so that it’s less gloomy. Which is saying something, coming from him.”

Suddenly Stede felt sympathetic. “And you chose a plant?”

“Yeah. I mean, people say cats are independent, but, like, not enough. I’d be too scared I’d forget to do things for it. Like feed it and clean its shit. Dogs are too much work even to think about. So I figured plants would be a better start.” His voice was melodic now, his eyes bright.

“What plants did you decide?”

He suddenly leaned in again, and said with a waggle of his eyebrows, “Succulents!”

“Ah!” Stede exclaimed. “An excellent choice for starting out. Hard to kill those…oh.” He trailed off when the man stuck his lip out in a pout. Not hard apparently. “Well, perhaps you weren’t given the proper instructions!”

The man’s face lit up again. “Yeah, that’s why I came here for books on plants! I’m sure you know loads about deserty ones.” He blinked slowly, like a cat.

“Not so much about taking care of them, but I certainly know where the books are. I’ll lead you to them.”

He straightened up and grinned again. “I guess I’m lucky after all.”

Stede came around the desk and headed for the 635s, and when he glanced back to make sure the man was following, he stumbled to a halt. He was wearing leather pants. Leather. Pants. Stede didn’t know how long he was staring, but it was most definitely too long. He shot his eyes up to the man’s face. There was that head tilt and smile again. And there was Stede’s face growing hot again. He spun on his heels and carried on. Once at the proper shelf, he had to crouch, and then felt his face grow hot a third time when he turned to look at the man and was met with his crotch. Luckily, the man also crouched and was now quite crowding Stede’s space.

“These are the books?” he asked almost in wonder.

“Yep, these three here are quite new and should have you covered with up to date information and recommendations for tools and supplies. And there are others here about general gardening, this one is for beginners!”

“I’m Ed,” the man said sticking out his hand.

Stede was startled for a moment by the abruptness of the introduction. He took his hand a bit shyly, aware of its strength, roughness, and warmth. “I’m Stede.”

“Yeah,” Ed breathed.

They held each other’s gaze for a moment before Stede leaped to his feet. Ed stood, too. “Thanks for the help. I’ll look through these.”

“You’re quite welcome. Let me know how it all goes!” Stede smiled and they stood in silence until Stede realized that he probably needed to walk away now. So, he turned to do just that.

“He’s right, you know,” Ed said, stopping Stede in his tracks and causing him to turn. Ed’s gaze was steady and intense.

“Right?”

“Yeah, that boy over there. He said you’re hot. He’s right. You are hot.”

Stede gaped at him, his face growing hot a fourth time. “Oh.” And then he burst into shrill laughter, turned, and walked right into the bookcase. “Oops!” And he laughed shrilly again and sped away, feeling his entire body go hot this time. He kept walking past the desk toward the offices so he could perish of his shame in private.

Lucius, however, would not leave him to suffer alone. He sauntered into the office and sat on his desk, kicking the chair Stede was occupying. “Well wasn’t that awful.”

“Oh shut up Lucius.”

“He was flirting with you, you know. I’m not sure what all that was that you were doing, but he was definitely flirting with you.”

“I’m certain he wasn’t doing anything of the sort. He’s probably just a kind and charming person.”

“Oh yes, Mr. Fluttering Eyelashes Who Wears Leather and Jokes About Checking You Out is like that with everyone.”

“He wasn’t fluttering his eyelashes.”

Lucius rolled his eyes. “Stede, you’re the most oblivious person on this planet, I swear to God.” He tapped Stede’s knee. “You’ll get there.”

Stede had no idea what he was talking about.

Chapter Text

Dressed in his golden yellow silk robe over ivory silk pajamas, Stede shuffled drowsily in his quilted slide-on slippers to the kitchen, past the breakfast nook where Alma and Louis were already seated. Mary was mixing batter at the stove while the gridle was heating. Stede kissed her on the cheek, but she didn’t pay attention.

“Good morning, darling,” Stede said.

“You missed church,” was all she said in reply. “Pancakes for breakfast. Louis wanted blueberry ones, but you forgot to pick up blueberries at the store.”

Stede frowned. “Oh, I’m sorry. Next time, Louis.”

“I write a whole list out for you, so how do you miss things?” Mary hissed.

“I said I was sorry. It happens, all right?” Stede hissed back.

“It happens all the time!”

“Okay, I’ll do better!”

“You always say that!”

Stede didn’t even think of a reply to this. It was better that way. Instead he trudged over to the Keurig machine. “Did you put water in this?”

“Does it look like there’s water in it?”

Stede rolled his eyes. It was one of those mornings, he supposed. He yanked the water tank out of the machine and aggressively threw on the faucet, ignoring Mary’s sidelong glance as she started pouring batter on the gridle. Silence resumed between them and the only sound was the chirping of birds outside and Alma and Louis quietly arguing. As soon as he was armed with coffee, Stede sighed.

“How was church?”

Mary gave a noise of frustration. “Carol Johnson invited me to another potluck that she wants to have at her summer house on the lake in the summer. A potluck.”

“Wait, does she even cook?”

“No! None of them cook. Or actually, some of them try and make it seem like they’ve cured cancer and they all remark on how ‘droll’ it is to have made their own, I don’t know, potato salad. You know how people around here are about potato salad. But it actually tastes like cat vomit. So out come the passive aggressive comments like ‘I’m sure you tried your best.’ Just once, I wish someone would tell the honest truth.”

“I remember you went to one of those and brought your lasagna, which is always perfect. And what was it Carol said?”

She hit the spatula on the counter in anger. “No, it was Shirley Whitaker. She said, ‘Oh love, it does taste like you made it yourself.’”

Stede chuckled and sipped his coffee.

“And they always give backhanded compliments on the food that was made by their personal chefs. ‘Huxley has outdone himself on this crab, though it’s not hard to improve upon what he made last year’ or ‘your charming Maria actually cooks up a delightful paella for such a foreign dish.’ And of course they pronounce paella wrong. And they all just can’t understand why I don’t want to go to their miserable summer parties.”

“That’s exactly how I felt about golf weekends. I’m glad you stopped going to those.”

Mary glanced over her shoulder and gave him a small smile. “Actually, you inspired me after you quit golf weekends. Imagine if we quit church.”

Stede smiled. “Well, then we’d be social pariahs never to recover.”

“Pancakes are ready.”

They all settled at the breakfast nook, piling pancakes and sausages on their plates. The children both poured an ocean of syrup on theirs, while Mary was much more economical. Stede spread his prized marmalade on his and secretly braced himself for the chaos the children’s sugar rush would cause within the hour.

“You know, Mary. The library offers children’s programs on Sunday mornings. We could always alter our weekly plans and opt for those programs instead of church. We can make the excuse that it’s investing in their future university applications and that we’re looking to send Alma to Harvard or Yale or wherever. They can hardly condemn us for that.”

“I’m sure they’ll find a way,” she answered. “But actually, I like the idea. I’d much rather face their hypocritical scrutiny in exchange for Alma and Louis having something productive to do. I’m guessing crafts or something?”

“Yes, and storytimes, which would be good for Louis. I’m sure Alma will like the more advanced things. They’re setting up a gardening program, where kids will be able to grow their own plants at home as well as contribute to a community garden there.” Stede stopped chewing as he remembered that man from yesterday morning. Ed. He thought about mentioning him, but for some reason he wanted to keep Ed to himself. He swallowed. “Also, we could have the children ask Lucius reference questions. It would be good for him. Practice and all that. Yesterday he told me about some crisis with a child who wanted James and the Giant Peach but described the book as having a cover with a plum and snakes.”

Mary laughed heartily at this. “Oh, I’m sure they’ll torment him.”

“Yes, but he can’t do anything about it because he wouldn’t be mean to my kids. At least not to their faces or in front of me.”

“And with Louis being in his boat phase.” She was absolutely mirthful now.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Louis cried, getting excited after hearing the board “boat.”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“You promised we’d build a model boat!”

“Yes, I do promise, and we will. I’ll try to find an extra special one, but we will wait until the summer when you’re out of school.”

“And can I have a Lego set for the summer?” Alma chimed in.

“Of course, love,” he said, smoothing her hair in adoration. He and Mary exchanged kind smiles.

On Monday, Stede found himself back in his bleak and sterile office at Bonnet Enterprises, going over the recent quarterly report on sales. With his cheek resting heavily on his fist, Stede pressed the down arrow key on his keyboard over and over, eyes glazing over as he gradually lost interest in the spreadsheet. He had accountants, but they were placed there by his father not because of merit but because of whatever favors were expected in both directions. Naturally, their work was terrible and Stede had to go through their work with a fine-toothed comb, especially after he uncovered a minor case of embezzlement. Unfortunately, the culprit couldn’t be fired because his father was on the board. Stede at least had some pull and frightened him enough into promising never to do it again, but Stede still remained vigilant.

The only one he really trusted was Jeffrey Fettering, his one childhood friend that he would hang out with during summers when he was back from boarding school and the Bonnets would summer for a month in London. Stede kept Jeffrey close as his secretary and first line of defense, mainly against the Badmintons who never got bored of making him entirely miserable, also since childhood and also when the Bonnets summered in London. He really wished they’d pick up a different hobby. Badminton, perhaps. Stede chuckled at his own joke, and then sighed deeply.

Needing to rest his eyes, he walked over to the giant windows on one wall that served as the only barrier to the outside. There wasn’t much to look at other than high rise buildings, but sometimes he could see through the windows and observe what people were doing. He’d considered bringing binoculars for this purpose but decided maybe that would be inappropriate. At the same time, he was curious how people decorated their offices and was entertained by the idea of judging them for poor taste in furniture, or maybe their stock image quality art that they likely picked up from a dollar store under the impression that it would give them status in the art world. He could already imagine them going to some art gallery opening and bragging to an art museum board member about their private collection. And then he could bitch about all of it to Lucius on Saturdays after a week’s worth of curating a collection of examples. There were a lot of windows to look into, lots of potential material. Could be a soothing way to end the day before heading home and it would give him something to think about while stuck in traffic, instead of the things he normally thought about, like the Badmintons.

He found his mind unexpectedly turning to Ed. That mysterious fellow about whom Stede’s first thought was that he was beautiful. He couldn’t ever remember thinking a man was beautiful before. But this one certainly was. And cool. He seemed so cool, wearing leather and having tattoos and piercings. Stede would normally be intimidated by a cool person, but Ed seemed warm. Maybe it was because he was a fellow Kiwi. But maybe it was also because he smiled a lot and had that lilting voice, and massive brown eyes like a cute little baby cow.

Wait, what?

Stede shook his head to get that thought out, but it didn’t budge. Cute little baby cow seemed too accurate to erase in favor of a better description. Princess hair was another description he might have balked at if it too were not the most accurate description for the cascade of silver that graced his head. He found himself imagining how it would feel if he touched it. That wasn’t weird, right? Sometimes if one saw pretty hair, one might want to touch it, no matter whose hair it was. He was sure if Alma saw such hair, her instinct would be to braid it and put flowers in it, like in that animated film Tangled that she was obsessed with some years ago. He could still remember the songs.

“When will my life begin?” Stede sang quietly. The whole soundtrack would be stuck in his head now and he thought perhaps he could decompress in the car by belting the songs instead of screaming like he usually wanted to do. He was pretty sure the sound wouldn’t carry outside his car and he wouldn’t have to worry about other drivers looking at him strangely.

He thought again of Ed’s plan to raise succulents just to have something alive in his flat. Stede wondered at this. It seemed like such a lonely thing to say. Ed didn’t seem like someone who would be lonely, what with the hair and the beard and the leather and looking cool and beautiful. He must be drowning in friends and admirers. That was something Stede certainly never had because he was deeply uncool. So, he knew about these sorts of things. Cool people had lots of friends, and that was that.

He wondered if he would see Ed again and found himself wishing he would. Surely that was a possibility, because Ed would have to return the books he checked out. But maybe he would return them to the outside drop box. Or, and Stede was suddenly horrified, what if he hadn’t checked out any books? By the time Stede had emerged from the office again, Ed had already gone. Maybe he hadn’t checked out anything! Maybe he had needed more help, but Stede had run away like a coward and abandoned him. The man was trying to be un-lonely and Stede abandoned him! If he knew Ed’s last name, he might be able to look up his account on Saturday to see if he’d checked anything out. Maybe the circulation staff would remember.

Stede sighed and rested his head on the glass. It was only Monday and he was already spiraling. Normally he didn’t get this wound up until the end of Wednesday at the earliest, but the thought of abandoning Ed set him off early. Why did Saturday have to be so far away?

In a perfect world, Ed would come back. Stede would apologize for abandoning him. Ed would ask for more books and Stede would show him where they were. He would touch Ed’s hair.

No!

You can’t just touch people’s hair, Stede! And it’s rude even to ask. Rude even to think about!

And then another thought creeped into his mind. “He was flirting with you,” Lucius had said. Stede couldn’t imagine anyone flirting with him, couldn’t remember anyone flirting with him, and the thought of Ed flirting with him seemed…nice? Was he so starved of being flirted with in his 45 years of not being flirted with that this was…exciting? Oh dear, and now he had yet another thing to think about in the car on the way home. Maybe it would replace the Tangled soundtrack. Nope, there it was again.

“And at last I see the light…” Stede sang softly to the street below.

He preferred the Tangled soundtrack to thinking about Ed flirting with him and liking it. It was certainly easier, and it was better to think about easy things on a Monday than complicated things. Complicated things should wait at least until Thursday. It was rude for complicated things to arise before then. He could think them up on Thursday and save them for Saturday to go over with Lucius who somehow had a talent for making complicated thoughts simpler. After simplifying the complicated thoughts, he would be ready for Sundays with the children and somewhat mollified enough to start it all over again on Mondays.

“I’ve got a dream…”

Chapter Text

In his haste to get inside the library, Stede got the code for the staff door wrong three times before he finally managed to fling it open. There were still ten minutes before the library opened, and that was plenty of time to ask about Ed. After throwing off his coat and hanging it hastily in the staff coatroom, Stede walked as swiftly as he could without drawing too much attention to himself to the checkout counter. Pete was there at one of the computers, already looking bored.

“Pete! A question!” Stede was already short of breath and took a moment to fill his lungs again. “By any chance, do you remember a patron from last Saturday, who was tall, wore leather, had long silvery hair—”

“Do you mean Blackbeard?” Pete asked, his eyes growing wide.

Stede scrunched his face in confusion. “Um, maybe? His name was Ed.”

Pete nodded and puffed out his chest like he was proud of himself for sleuthing out the mystery person. “Edward Teach, yeah. He’s Blackbeard! Big fan! He’s a famous video gamer, livestreams on Twitch almost every day. He has this rival, Ned Low, really annoying guy who plays a violin every time he beats a game. They play tournaments against each other and—”

“Yeah, I don’t understand any of that. Did he check out any books?”

“Oh yeah!” Pete said, pulling up Ed’s account. “Yeah, he checked out five books. They were all about plants? Maybe he’s going to play a new plant video game. He always gets first look for new games.”

Stede rolled his eyes and drummed his fingers on the counter. “Okay, enough about games. Just tell me what the books are!”

“Well, three of them were these really new ones that look like they’re fresh out of the shipping box. I remembered those because I told him they were really new. Can’t believe I got to talk to Blackbeard! There’s another one here called Beginner’s Guide to Gardening. And the last one is Native Plants of the Midwest.”

Stede’s mouth dropped open when he heard the title of the last one. He’d chosen the four books that Stede recommended, which made him happy, but he was downright ecstatic that Ed had not only looked for the Native Plants of the Midwest after Stede only mentioned it in passing but also checked it out! He couldn’t stop the excited squeal that escaped his throat, but seeing as Pete was somehow a fan of his, he figured he was in good company to be squealing over Ed. He bounced on the balls of his feet for a moment before rushing off to find Lucius.

Lucius was already at the desk, looking at himself on the reverse camera of his phone, adjusting his chic neckerchief and tucking a lock of his poofy brown hair back into place. Without looking at Stede, he asked. “You’ll be at my book club this afternoon, right?”

“Lucius!” Stede exclaimed, completely ignoring the question. “Ed checked out the books!”

“Um…?”

“He checked out five books and one of them was Native Plants of the Midwest! Don’t you understand? That’s just so…fab! It’s fab, Lucius!”

Lucius put his phone down and turned to Stede, giving him his full attention. “Stede, I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. Can you start from the beginning?”

“How—? Ugh, okay. Remember Ed from last Saturday morning?”

Lucius looked up at the ceiling in thought, but Stede had a suspicion he was pretending. “Ed…Oh yeah, leather boy.”

“Well, he asked for books about gardening, and I showed him the gardening section and I recommended certain ones. And he checked them out! I asked Pete about it.”

“Wait,” Lucius interrupted, lightly placing a hand on Stede’s shoulder. “Pete? My Pete? Remembered the books someone checked out last week? Are you sure he’s not just saying that to make you go away?"

“What? No! He knew him! Called him Blackbeard or something.”

“Blackbeard? Hold on, pause, stop the universe. Ed, who was flirting with you in his leather daddy getup and asking for books to help him raise a cactus child, is Blackbeard?”

Stede’s lips parted in surprise. “You know him, too?”

“Well, I don’t know him. But I know who Blackbeard is because Pete’s a major fan. Major, major. Like obsessed. He collects all the Blackbeard merchandise. We had to move into a larger apartment so that he could put it all in one room because I don’t want it all over the place. And that’s why he keeps pushing for a raise because there’s this, like, I don’t know, limited edition computery thing he wants to get and it’s going to take a while to save up the money for it. He watches all the streams. And when he was hired here he based his availability on whether it would interfere with a stream. That’s why he pitches a fit if he has to cover for someone. I remind him that the streams automatically get recorded and cross-saved to YouTube, but he likes to join the live chat.”

“None of that makes sense to me.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. But he’s my boyfriend, and I love him, and they say you’re supposed to make compromises to have a successful relationship.”

Stede shook his head. “No, really, none of that is the point. The point is that he also checked out Native Plants of the Midwest!”

“And that’s important because…?”

“Because I mentioned it just briefly! I said I read it so that I could know what the plants are when I go on nature walks! And he went and looked for the book, Lucius! All by himself! And checked it out and he’s going to read it! Just because I mentioned it!”

“Well, I mean, that’s how reader’s advisory works.”

“But I didn’t recommend it! I just mentioned it. And he listened and he’s going to read it!”

“Right, so what you’re telling me is that some time within the past five minutes you invented a fantasy where you’ll go on a nature walk together, holding hands, talking about, I don’t know, grass, or whatever plants exist out there in the wild?”

Stede turned away, feeling his cheeks grow warm, and straightened a flyer on the counter. “I didn’t say that.”

Lucius sighed. “You kinda didn’t have to though.”

Stede frowned and turned to his computer. It was already three minutes past opening and so far no one had come in. So Stede maximized the database window and typed in “Edward Teach”. There he was. An image of his library card with his face and…Stede gasped like a 1940s overdramatic actress. Lucius was at his side quicker than the speed of light.

“I knew you were going to look him up!”

“That’s…that’s why they call him Blackbeard?” Looking back at him were the same warm eyes but covering the lower part of his face was a long, full beard, well-maintained and absolutely luxurious. Stede wanted to bury his face in it. Wait—no. He did not want to do that. But also…he…did? He forced that thought out of his mind and locked it behind a steel door, like the kind that protects the vault filled with all the gold bars at the Federal Reserve.

“Yep! I found Pete crying hysterically when he shaved his beard off. It was a bet or something. Pete's Tweets were pretty dark for a while. I had to hold an intervention.”

There was his age: 45. There was his address. There were the five books he checked out, and indeed Native Plants of the Midwest was among them. Stede dragged the cursor over the title a few times like he was petting it. He scrolled through Ed’s history and saw a lot of the “For Dummies” books on topics like Woodworking, Astronomy, Bird Watching, Houseplants & Succulents(!), Knitting—lots of hobbies! Stede marveled and smiled at this, thinking he must be terribly talented and busy. But then he saw one that broke his heart. Loneliness for Dummies. And he remembered again that the reason Ed was learning how to raise a succulent was because he wanted something alive in his flat. He kept scrolling. Personal Boundaries for Dummies. Sobriety for Dummies. Burnout for Dummies. Adulting for Dummies. Anger Management for Dummies. Anxiety & Depression Workbook for Dummies. Self-Compassion for Dummies. Codependency for Dummies. Stress Management for Dummies. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder for Dummies.

Some of them were renewed or checked out again at different intervals within the past three years. Stede wanted to cry. He wanted to hug Ed. Squeeze him tightly. Hold him and not let go. He never would have guessed that beneath those warm eyes and lovely voice was someone who was searching everywhere for help. And that was when Stede realized the hobbies weren’t hobbies. Ed was trying to find something to distract him, but none of it was working. Probably because Ed was not a dummy; Stede was certain of that. The Houseplants & Succulents for Dummies had obviously failed him, because his first succulent apparently died. And that was why he came back for better books that had more depth, maybe clearer instructions, pictures. Maybe Ed was the type of person who needed pictures in addition to words. A visual learner. Maybe he needed another person to show him instead of just reading by himself. Maybe he needed the Sunday children’s plants program.

“Stede, Stede, Stede, close it,” Lucius said urgently. “Close it, close it.”

Stede quickly closed it and looked up to see Ed coming into the department with a big smile on his face and carrying a grocery bag with something in it.

“Ed!” Stede said excitedly, and he vaguely registered Lucius snickering.

He was wearing black jeans that had been through the wash enough to make them look gray, but otherwise he was dressed the same in his black t-shirt and leather jacket. His hair was entirely loose this time, and he flipped it over his shoulder as he approached.

“You remember me?”

“How could I forget, Ed? Or should I say, Blackbeard?”

The smile dropped off his face and he looked downright sad. “Oh. You’ve heard of me then, huh?”

Stede’s smile was erased also, and now he felt mild panic creeping upon him. “Oh, yes, well, no. Not until less than half an hour ago. Pete! At the checkout counter. Pete mentioned it when I asked him about you.”

Ed smiled faintly. “You asked about me?”

“Oh, um. Yes. I wanted to know if you checked out any of the plant books. I realized I kind of abandoned you last Saturday and it’s been bothering me all week, and I wanted to make sure you were able to find what you were looking for.”

“You thought about me?” he asked quietly.

“Yes,” Stede answered, matching the level of Ed’s voice.

“All week?” he pressed, leaning on the counter and twirling a lock of hair.

Stede watched his fingers moving through his hair and whispered, “Yes.”

“Really?” Lucius asked with vested interest.

Stede cleared his throat. “Pete told me you checked out Native Plants of the Midwest!”

“Yeah, well, someone told me it was good. I also got freaked out about that plant that kills you if you look at it, and I wanted to know what it looked like in case I come across it.”

“Touch,” Stede corrected.

“What?”

“It kills you if you touch it.”

Ed smiled. “You see? That’s why I had to get the book. So I can learn all the proper details.”

Silence passed between them as they gazed at each other, lazy smiles plastered on their faces, Ed still twirling his hair. “Sooooo,” Lucius interrupted. “Did you want to find a book or something?”

Ed perked up. “Oh right, yeah. No books, I just wanted to show this to you, Stede!”

“Wait, wait,” Lucius interjected, hanging on Stede’s shoulder. “How did you know Stede would be here?”

Bashfully, Ed lowered his eyes. “I may have called the library a couple days ago asking if you’d be here on Saturday again. They told me you’re here every Saturday. So. I came today. Because I knew you’d be here, and I wanted to show you this thing I bought.” He raised his eyes again, shyly.

Stede’s eyes were wide with wonder. “Oh Ed, that’s lovely! Please show me what you brought!”

Ed grinned and pulled a box out of the plastic bag and placed it proudly on the counter. Stede and Lucius both leaned in to look closely. “It’s a succulent garden kit!” Ed exclaimed. “Look, it comes with four different types of plants and you follow all these steps,” he pointed to all the pictures, “and if you do it right, then you have a mini garden. Look it says right here it’s for beginners. I think that’s what I needed. A starter plant. One of the books I got recommended it.”

“Oh Ed, that’s wonderful!” Stede cooed. “Listen, on Sundays the library hosts a gardening program. All for beginners. You can start at any time. And there’s a community garden where you can try to grow something like tomatoes or peppers or anything you like.”

Lucius raised an eyebrow. “Stede, that’s for kids.”

Stede shrugged. “Well, it’s for beginners. And yeah, it’s run by the Children’s Department, and yeah most of the beginners are kids. But they come with their parents, so the parents learn with them. Tell you what, Ed, if you’re feeling sheepish about doing it by yourself, you can join me and my kids.”

Ed gasped. “You have kids?”

“Oh, yes!” Stede replied brightly. “My wife Mary and I have two kids. Alma is ten and Louis is six.”

Ed took a deep breath, eyes so wide they looked cartoonish. “Wife?”

Stede nervously turned his wedding band as Ed watched. “Yes, going on twelve years now. Twelve years in June. Oh damn, I have to think of an anniversary gift. Don’t want to forget again, like I did for our tenth. She hasn’t let me forget about that.”

Suddenly, Ed looked a bit green in the gills but gave a weak smile. “Uh. Cool. I guess.”

“What do you say about plant Sundays?”

Ed shifted nervously on his feet. “Uh, I dunno. We’ll see I guess. Gotta check the schedule and all that. Well, I should go, actually. These succulents aren’t going to plant themselves.”

“Oh,” Stede said dejectedly. “Well, all right. Then maybe I’ll see you tomorrow at the program. Starts at ten.”

“Uh-huh, okay. Yeah, maybe.”

“And Ed? Please promise me you’ll keep me updated about your plants?”

Ed smiled warmly. “Yeah, I’ll do that. Well then,” he tapped the counter with his knuckles, “I’ll be off, guys.”

Stede watched him all the way until he disappeared out the library door before finally looking at Lucius who was smirking at him. “So when do you think I should pencil in your nature walk date?”

“Oh shut up, Lucius!”

Chapter Text

Stede couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing no matter how many times he screamed at it to stop. He was sitting with Alma in the Children’s Department while Mary was in the activity room with Louis for their first 9am storytime in Plant Club. They agreed to switch every other week which of them would join Louis for storytime, and he was thrilled that Mary volunteered to go first because it allowed him to fret at his leisure about whether Ed would come to the 10am slot for first time plant clubbers. Stede tried to busy himself by sorting through the goodie bag each of the children received upon registering for Plant Club.

It was scheduled to last from April through the end of October, with a 30-minute storytime with craft project for children aged 4-7 every Sunday at 9am. They would receive a sticker for each week’s attendance, and when Louis heard that, he was resolute about not missing a single week. 10am to 12pm was dedicated to the practical part of the Plant Club, which involved actual gardening. They’d set up a small greenhouse where children could grow some seeds in mini black pots, and then return to see the progress, and then learn how to cull the herd—or whatever the garden term for that was—and eventually repot the plant and take it home. Older kids aged 7-12—Stede appreciated the fluidity of the 7^th year which gave freedom of choice whether a child was ready to graduate past picture books—received a list of chapter books about plants to read, and upon finishing one of them they would receive a small prize. Stede suspected the prizes were pieces of junk that would disappear within a week, but Alma seemed thrilled by the prospect of prizes.

Since it was April and the weather favored rain, the community garden in the library’s courtyard was not going to be open until some time in May. And by this time, kids would have learned something about gardening where they could monitor their plants with confidence. At the end of every month, a representative from the Botanic Gardens would come with a unique set of plants and give a small presentation, followed by a raffle drawing for two free Botanic Gardens general admission tickets for Plant Club members. The Club would finish with pumpkin carving for Halloween.

The bag of stuff was quite generous. Each child received a plastic tote bag, pencil, bookmark, sticker, plant fact booklet, seed packets (tomatoes, strawberries, marigolds, snapdragons, and a tulip bulb), and a coloring book of flowers with a set of 8 crayons. Just in case Ed might come, and since Stede suspected Ed might appreciate whimsy after being so proud of his little succulents kit, he snagged an extra bag of goodies to give to him. He could picture it now, Ed bent over a coloring book with his tongue poking out in concentration while he carefully colored a daisy. Additionally, Alma received a checklist of chapter books to get started on, and Louis received a printout of a list of picture books that would be read until the end of June.

John Feeney was the head children’s librarian, and this Plant Club was his pride and joy. The children loved him, especially when he would dress up as the Great Calypso in his hand-made blue dress and dramatic makeup and lead Drag Queen Storytime. But usually, he just wore his handknit cardigans that he liked to keep on theme with whatever other program he was running. He always introduced himself to the children as Wee John, despite the fact he was a big bear of a man, but with his full almost totally white beard and piercing blue eyes, he was more like a teddy bear Santa.

Stede pulled out the picture book list and donned his gold-framed reading glasses that had been sitting in his shirt pocket. At first, he didn’t think they needed it since Wee John was the one who would be reading them. But John explained that—from experience! he had emphasized with a shellshocked look on his face—sometimes kids would get fixated on the book and terrorize their parents to read it over and over, but the parents wouldn’t remember the story and then would call John at the library, desperate to know the title, and he would be able to hear the meltdown happening on the other end of the line. So, he wanted to have everyone be fully prepared and offered three months’ worth of book lists. Having been on the parent side of this before, Stede and Mary both thanked John profusely for his wisdom and foresight. Stede thought it probable that Wee John had the whole seven months’ worth of books planned. He smiled when he saw each month was arranged by theme. The titles of the books were charming, and he supposed Louis would be entertained by them despite his current boat obsession.

April – Trees!
Be A Tree, Maria Gianferrari
The Seeking Tree, Jodi Dee
The Lorax, Dr. Seuss
Tree Full of Wonder, Anna Smithers

May – Seeds!
The Tiny Seed, Eric Carle
The Empty Pot, Demi
Oh Say Can You Seed?, Bonnie Worth
Up in the Garden and Down in the Dirt, Kate Messner

June – Celebrating Differences!
Planting a Rainbow, Lois Ehlert
Flowers Are Pretty Weird, Rosemary Mosco
Tops and Bottoms, Janet Stevens
The Judgmental Flower, Julia Cook

As the gardening slot approached, Stede assessed his clothes. Mary teased him for putting on what she called his Sunday-Second-Best, because he had opted for a smart baby blue shirt, gray slacks, and navy and gray argyle socks. He casualed it up with a light gray cardigan and cognac loafers, but Mary still chuckled and poked a lock of hair out of place, which Stede immediately pushed back. He insisted opting for shoes without laces should have been commended for their practicality—what if he spilled topsoil on them? Mary had opted for blue jeans, a Youth Center t-shirt, sneakers, and a ponytail. He wondered if Ed would wear leather today.

Twenty minutes to 10am, the children and their parents, mostly mothers, started streaming out of the storytime, their little cut and paste art projects waving around like flags. The children were deposited in the play area while the mothers grouped together to talk about whatever it was mothers talked about with each other. Stede easily tuned them out when Louis ran up to him to proudly display his artwork.

“Let’s see what you’ve done, sweetheart,” Stede said, lifting him up on his lap. “Oh this is very fine work, Louis.” And he looked to Mary for assistance in deciphering what was happening. It was a tree with a bunch of random people and animals glued on and around it.

“The story was called The Seeking Tree about this tree that lives for a thousand years and everyone ignores it until all the trees in the world are dead except this one and then a girl finds it and picks up all of its seeds and plants them. So for the art project they had to color the tree and cut out people and animals and glue them onto the paper so that it’s not lonely.”

“Ah,” Stede replied. “This is great work, Louis. Are you happy you gave your tree some friends?”

“Yeah,” Louis said, already growing bored and reaching into his goodie bag.

“Well, we will pin this on the fridge when we get home,” Stede told him.

Mary sat. “It’s to help with mobility and dexterity. Cutting, gluing, coloring. Not just busy work. A lot of parents don’t realize you have to actually teach this to your kids. Some of those moms were actually complaining about the project being pointless. Like, in front of their kids.”

“Yeah, well,” Stede sighed, glancing over at the group of mothers not paying attention to their kids. “Remember where we live. Half of them rely on nannies most of the time.”

“It’s stuff like this that makes me glad we chose to do it our way.” She gave him a small smile. Then, to the children she asked, “Are we ready to learn how to plant flowers?”

“Yeah,” the both murmured unenthusiastically.

“This definitely beats church, Stede. I’m glad you came up with it.”

“Me too. Quality time spent in a superiorly quality way. Are we going to hell for this, do you wonder?”

Mary laughed. “I’m sure we already made our reservations there a long time ago.”

Then, at 10am sharp, Wee John appeared, dressed in a cardigan with tree appliques all over it. “All right, everyone signed up for the 10am gardening slot, you are welcome to come to the activity room!”

Mary and Stede gathered the children and their goodie bags and went into the large room that Wee John had rearranged to make gardening stations. Some high school student volunteers from the 4H Club earning community service points for their university applications were ready to do one-on-one sessions with the children. Stede found them patient, knowledgeable, and actually enthusiastic, showing them different kinds of plants, explaining the seed packets they received in their goodie bags, and helping Alma and Louis to plant some preliminary seeds in little black pots. Stede found himself casting his eyes periodically to the door to see if perhaps Ed would come. Mary noticed and asked him what he kept looking at. He lied and told her he thought Lucius was going to stop by to meet the kids. Suddenly, he felt guilty about it but couldn’t bring himself to fix it. The sessions ended. The children stowed their newly planted seeds, wiped their dirty hands on their clothes, and all four of them shuffled out of the library to go back home for lunch.

Ed never showed.

They did their Sunday routine. Lunch, board game, children colored in their flower coloring books with their new crayons even though they had multiple boxes of 120 colors, dinner, reading, bedtime. Mary went her way, Stede went to his study to resume Sense and Sensibility. Elinor just found out Mr. Ferrars is engaged to Lucy and she has to act like it doesn’t bother her even though it breaks her heart.

“Hang in there, Elinor,” Stede murmured, closing the book. He rose and trudged to his bedroom, donning his silk pajamas and climbing into his soft fluffy bed. He stared at the ceiling and thought of Ed until finally he drifted off to sleep.

Monday was being unfair again. Thursday thoughts were coming too early in the week for the second week in a row. Staring out the window, he tried to see what other people were doing in the other buildings, but the sun was glaring too brightly. He wondered why Ed didn’t come to Plant Club, but assumed he was likely busy on Sundays. Ed only came in on Saturdays so far. Well, he came in on two Saturdays. Still, that was pattern enough, Stede supposed. Wasn’t it? Probably he would come on the following Saturday. Then that would be his third Saturday and three certainly makes a pattern. And it would mark the second week of the three-week checkout period of his five books. Those were a lot of numbers, a lot of math, and math was scientific, and so Stede wasn't being silly. Stede wondered if Ed had finished reading any books. Had he planted his succulents yet? Will he return the books before their due date? Will he renew them in case he didn’t finish reading them in time?

These were too many Thursday thoughts for a Monday. Really, quite rude. Can’t they have distributed some of themselves to Tuesday?

At some point, one of the Badmintons stopped by his office to say something stupid, but Stede was too busy with his Thursday thoughts to notice and the smarmy man wandered off with a huff of frustration.

Tuesday’s thoughts were borderline Friday thoughts. Surely this was criminal? If thoughts could be jailed, surely these ones ought to have been sentenced to at least 30 days behind bars. Stede had remembered the whole Blackbeard reveal. And that Ed was famous on the internet for video games. Which meant Stede could likely Google the name Edward Teach and find him there in the search results. But he resisted this, going for a walk every time his fingers felt itchy for the keyboard. He thought maybe this was crossing a boundary.

On Wednesday, he remembered that Ed had seemed displeased that Stede knew his Blackbeard identity. He was convinced now that searching for him online was crossing a boundary. Learning private facts about Ed without Ed’s knowledge, yes, that was inappropriate. Like looking at his checkout history and finding some unpleasant reads there. Very, very personal, those. Thank goodness Lucius warned him before Ed saw. It was easy on Wednesday not to Google Edward Teach.

Thursday’s thoughts hit like a freight train. Like they were making up for Wednesday’s day of clarity. No, Thursday was an explosion of desire to Google Edward Teach. He had to lock himself out of his office on purpose just to avoid his computer. A couple of the Badmintons found him hiding from himself in the boardroom and for once he welcomed their irritating not-so-passive aggressive insults because it gave himself something else to think about.

On Friday, he was grateful for a board meeting, though he didn’t pay much attention to it. Nevertheless, it kept him away from his computer.

At home, he was too busy with the children, helping them with their homework, reading, chatting about boring things with Mary, doing household chores. Although he was tired Friday night, his brain was buzzing. Tomorrow was Saturday, and he would see Ed in the morning, right on schedule. Nice and steady. The math was mathing.

At 9am on the dot, Stede watched the doors expectantly. After ten minutes, there was still no Ed. Maybe 9:30. No, not 9:30 either. Maybe 10? Maybe Ed got confused when Stede said last week that the Plant Club started at 10 and now he would come at 10 on Saturdays. That was logical, right? But by 11, Ed was still not there.

“Stede, I can hear you spiraling all the way over here. Is this about Ed?”

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Lucius scooted his chair next to Stede’s. “Right, so you have Ed’s account open and you’re mooning over it for absolutely no reason at all, then?”

Stede quickly exited Ed’s account. “I’m not mooning about anything.”

“Okay, let’s talk about this. Clearly, you’re expecting Ed to come today. Did he say he was going to come today?”

“No,” Stede admitted.

“Please tell me why you are expecting him, then.”

“Because he came two Saturdays in a row, and the second time was to show me his plant kit. I just thought maybe it was his routine.”

Lucius patted his hand. “Two Saturdays is not a routine, it’s a coincidence.”

Stede frowned. “I thought maybe it might be.”

“But you want Ed to come back?”

“Well,” Stede shifted in his chair and pushed his hair back in place even though not a single strand was mussed. “Yes.”

“Why do you want Ed to come back?”

“Because…because I…well, I guess I like him.”

“Mmhmm,” Lucius said, but without his usual sass. “Yeah, I know you like him.”

“I mean, he’s likable. You like him, don’t you? Pete likes him.”

Lucius rolled his eyes. “We’re not actually assessing character based on Pete’s opinions, are we? I don’t think that’s a good benchmark.”

“He just…” Stede shrugged. He didn’t like Lucius poking around in this. He felt too exposed, so he pulled his cardigan more tightly around himself as though that would cover his thoughts from Lucius. "Well, he has to come back. His books are due next Saturday!”

“Okay,” Lucius said. “But Stede, remember he may return them on any day, not just on Saturday. Maybe even return them in the drive-up drop box.”

Stede frowned again. “You don’t think he would come inside and drop them in the box by the checkout counter? And then maybe come over and ask for more books about plants?”

Lucius gave him a look of pity. “Well, you also have to keep in mind that he may not come back. At least maybe not right away. Maybe he will work on his little cactus baby and if it dies again he will come back for different books. But also, you know, there’s a chance that he will buy the books and not need to check out any more of them.”

Stede gaped at him in horror. “Do you think he’ll go to a bookstore and ask one of them about plant books? Aren’t they just a bunch of college kids at those places who are just, I don’t know, saving up money for Spring Break parties?”

“Um, wow, ok, rude.”

“Or worse!” Stede exclaimed, clutching at his cardigan. “He’ll buy them from Amazon! Like, an e-book version!”

“Listen, Stede, I really need you to think about something else. Oh, I know! Tell me how Plant Club went.”

Stede smoothed out his cardigan. “Oh. Yes, actually it was very good. I’m rather impressed by how intricately Wee John’s planned it.”

“Yeah, he’s done it a couple of times before, so he’s got it set up like clockwork at this point.”

“He has three months’ worth of picture books planned and he gives parents a list. I don’t have it with me today.”

“Oh, he puts it online, too. Just in case the printouts get lost. Let’s see.” Lucius scooted back over to his computer and pulled up the library’s website and found the subpage for Plant Club. “Yeah, see, it’s here.” He read through the list of books. “Yeah, he does these cute themes, and then he sneaks one in for Pride Month. If he called it Pride Month, some parents would probably protest to have it removed like what they do for Drag Queen Storytime, so he calls it Celebrating Differences.”

“Oh that’s clever,” Stede said.

Lucius started laughing. “Wait, excuse me? I’m just looking at these titles. Tops and Bottoms? Like, seriously, John? He’ll get fired for sure. The Judgmental Flower? Actually, I feel like this list is about me.”

“I, um…may have taken an extra goodie bag to give to Ed,” Stede admitted quietly.

Lucius spun around in his chair. “You what?”

“I thought he might come to Plant Club last Sunday, so I took a bag for him. I put it in the office in case he comes today.” He felt a little silly about it now.

“Oh, Stede, you are so sweet,” Lucius said, and he was surprisingly genuine.

Almost too quickly, it was past noon and Ed had not shown up. Nor did he arrive during Lucius’s erotic fiction book club, after which Stede was hoping to be able to tell Lucius about his conversation with Ed. The library closed at 5pm and Stede drove back home thinking sadly about not seeing Ed at all. The nagging thought had crawled back in by then, telling him he could find Ed online. He was able to keep it at bay.

Sunday was hard, though, because he was back at the library. It was his turn to sit with Louis during storytime, but he was struggling to focus on The Lorax and the ensuing craft project of making Truffula trees with extra fuzzy pipe cleaners. When they returned home from Plant Club, Stede could feel Mary’s eyes on him, and he knew his anxiety about Ed had broken containment. He tried to help make lunch for the children, but Mary kicked him out of the kitchen when he spread tomato paste on a slice of bread instead of strawberry jam. He grimaced through playing the board game Life, in which he was losing poorly and started thinking it was hitting too close to home. They wanted to play it again afterward because Louis was upset that Alma won. They ordered pizza for dinner. The kids asked about playing video games, but Mary said not before bed on a school night. So Alma sat on an armchair to read one of her plant chapter books while Mary read a picture book about boats to Louis. Stede resumed reading Sense and Sensibility. Even though it was a relatively short book, he found himself struggling through it, but he needed to push through the last third to prepare for his book club next Saturday. Stede and Mary put the kids to bed and went their separate ways in the house, Mary to wherever—Stede didn’t pay attention—and Stede to his study. He paced, thinking of the children wanting to play video games, and then he thought of Ed playing video games.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at his laptop closed on the desk. Ed plays video games. Pete said he plays almost every day. On something called a twitch. Stede rushed to his laptop as though afraid he would be late to see Ed on his screen and yanked open the laptop, dropping heavily onto his leather desk chair. He opened the web browser and typed search terms without knowing what they meant.

video game Ed

what is twitch

twitch video game

twitch Blackbeard

And then he was sure he had it. A website with a purple quotation box, twitch.tv, and the clickable link read Blackbeard. He clicked it. The page opened.

There was Ed. Live. Looking at the camera. “Heyyyy,” Ed said.

Stede gave something of a strangled shriek and slammed the laptop shut. Oh god, could he see me? Stede panicked.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Lucius. Lucius didn’t answer. Rolling his eyes, Stede grumbled about millennials and opened his text messages.

Stede: Lucius! If I were to watch this Twitch.tv thing, would the person on the other end see me?
Lucius: OMG Stede are you watching Ed rn
Stede: What does rn mean?
Lucius: Oh my GOD Stede. It means right now
Stede: Oh, I see. Well, yes, I might have searched for Ed.
Lucius: 😂 lmaooooo I can’t with your proper punctuation [period]
Stede: Are you doing voice to text? Why did you spell out period? And how did you tell it to type the crying-laughing smiley face?
Lucius: No sweetie I was teasing you. Just never mind k?
Stede: This is really intolerable. Can’t you just answer my initial question?
Lucius: No, Ed can’t see you if you watch him livestreaming on twitch
Stede: Okay, thank you.
Lucius: So are you gonna join the chat?
Stede: Good night, Lucius.
Lucius: lmk how it goes on Saturday babe

Stede didn’t reply and set the phone on the desk face down so he wouldn’t be distracted by any further messages Lucius might send him like a rapid fire gun. With a deep breath, he opened the laptop again. The livestream was still going on, but it was running through a 30-second ad, which, as Stede read, was an inconvenience that could be avoided if you subscribed to the channel. At last, when the ad was over, Stede was able to see Ed arranged now in a little box at the bottom right corner of the screen playing some first person shooter game. He knew that term at least, because Alma played those, much to his displeasure, but Mary convinced him it was fine. Ed's hair was loose around his shoulders under a purple headset with glowing cat ears, his eyes intently fixed on the game, and he was wearing his usual black t-shirt, except this time he wasn’t wearing his leather jacket.

Stede pulled his reading glasses from his shirt pocket so he could look closer and saw only part of Ed’s arms, just below the edge of his sleeves, as the rest of his arms were out of view. But Stede could see tattoos. He couldn’t see what the tattoos were, but just that there were some there. His lips parted in wonder as he thought what they could be. One of his hands had a snake’s head, and the other a spider. Was he covered in other creepy crawlies? Was the snake head part of a whole snake? That traveled up his arm? And maybe around his entire body?

On the right sidebar a long line of text kept moving up. There were different colors for different…names? Must be the chat that Lucius had mentioned.

Suddenly, Ed yelled, “Fuck!” and Stede’s eyes shot back to the screen in time to see that Ed's video game character died.

“Yeah that dude one-shotted me, guys, do you believe this?” Ed said with a laugh. “Yeah, you’re right, I should have picked up those grenades earlier. No, man, this gun actually is better than the other one, I just needed the grenades. Oh, hey, thanks for the donation, Pete, can always count on you, man.”

Stede was confused. Was Ed talking on the phone? He looked back at the chat in time to see the bubble at the top showing a donation by one “blackpete” with the words “luv u blackbeard!”. And then he saw the chat talking about grenades. Then he realized that Ed was responding to the people in the chat! Feeling bold, Stede tried to send the message “hi”, but it automatically opened a window for him to register. He supposed one could only chat by being a member. So, he set up an account and chose for his username “stede.bonnet”, which was easy enough to remember, coming from his work email, [email protected]. He returned to Ed’s chat and saw Ed was already playing again.

stede.bonnet: Hi, Ed! How is your succulent?

Ed said emotionlessly, clearly reading, “Hi Ed how is your…succulent?” Then with irritation, “What the fuck? Who…? sted—” There was a loud crash from Ed dropping his controller, and then Ed looked directly at the camera in surprise. “Stede?!”

Ed’s video game character died again with a guttural scream.

Chapter Text

Ed jumped up from his chair, but then bent back down to his desk and squinted. “Stede? Is that you?”

In the slurry of people in the chat sending lighting fast questions, statements of confusion, complaints, and even insults, very briefly, Stede saw username blackpete ask “Stede Stede?”

stede.bonnet: Yes.

Ed immediately straightened and looked around as if in a panic. He adjusted the hem of his shirt, smoothed his hair, and seemed to be moving objects on his desk.

“Edward, what the fuck are you doing? The stream is live,” a raspy voice said from somewhere in Ed’s space.

“Yeah, Iz, I fuckin’ know the stream is live! Can you just…just…” he snapped his fingers in the vague direction of everywhere. “Clean this up, yeah? There’s a Monster can on the floor for fuck’s sake!”

Stede smiled when he realized Ed was cleaning up his space for him even though Stede couldn’t actually see any of it. Ed sat down again while a short man with graying hair and beard came into view with a grocery bag, bobbing up and down while he picked up cans of Monster and Red Bull and potato chip bags. Ed picked up his controller from the floor and smiled weakly at the camera. “Hi Stede. No news about the succulent yet. I guess they take a while to grow, yeah?”

stede.bonnet: They do, I suppose.

Various colorful usernames continued to blow up the chat with things like “suck you what?” and “you can suck me bb” and “wait y’all know each other or smth?” and “oh shit new bb lore just dropped!” and username blackpete again, saying “what is even happening rn?” Stede had luckily just learned rn meant right now. Suddenly his phone started lighting up with ping! after ping! Must be Lucius, Stede suspected. He tipped his phone back over, and yes, Lucius.

Lucius: Omg stede, pete says you’ve completely sidelined the livestream?
Lucius: And ed freaked out and now he’s cleaning his apartment?
Lucius: And something about sucking? I dunno
Lucius: But I’m thinking this is about the cactus baby?
Lucius: Have you two successfully raised a cactus baby together?
Lucius: Pete says people are taking notes about new blackbeard lore
Lucius: You’re part of lore now stede
Lucius: Are you happy now stede?
Lucius: Stede?Lucius: ??????????
Lucius: Don’t make me call you babe again
Lucius: Pete will get jealous
Lucius: Babe?
Lucius: I swear to god if you make me wait until SATURDAY for this!
Lucius: STEDE!
Lucius: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stede switched the phone to vibrate and flipped it back over so he couldn’t see the screen. He bit his lower lip, anxious about typing what he wanted to say into the chat. Well. Faint heart and all that…minus the winning the fair lady bit, of course.

stede.bonnet: I was worried when you didn’t come on Saturday.

Ed started laughing and buried his face in his hands. The chat exploded again with “omg is this like that one guy who lied about bb being a bad lay bc bb hit it and quit it?” and “bb this guy’s a keeper, babe, he wants you to come” and “I wouldve made you come sexy” and “@stede.bonnet why didn’t you let bb come, you asshole” and “bro blaming bb for being bad in bed” and “what does this have to do with suck you whatever? was it a bad bj?” and blackpete wrote “wait is this real?”

Stede’s phone was vibrating nonstop, but he hardly noticed as he adjusted his reading glasses, trying to make sense of what people were writing in the chat.

“Guys, he means he was expecting me to go visit his workplace,” Ed corrected. “Sorry, Stede, uh…things just…little change in the schedule.”

stede.bonnet: That’s understandable, Ed. I know you are very busy. But I guess you will have to come soon because your books are due this week. I don’t want you accruing any fines!

Ed turned off the game and it was just his camera capture taking up the screen now. He leaned forward to read the chat.

The chat picked up again with “hang on, book fines? BB goes to the library?” and “omg sexy librarian trope holy fuck” and “the lore keeps dropping” and “we’re getting so many crumbs we’ve got a whole meal” and “definitely at least one snack lol 😉” and “I bet the other guy is a snack too, got bb cleaning his house” and “yeah all those energy drinks are going to turn into champagne bottles or smth” and “fr tho cuz this guy is typing in grammatically proper sentences like he’s the queen or some shit” and “bb gonna switch to tea” and “omg just thought of bb’s glasses he pulls out when he wants to kill us. We gonna get sexy librarian glasses and hair toss kinda shit?” and “HERE FOR THAT” and “YES” and “Guys this is serious. Bb switched to a just chatting stream” and “HAHA izzy rage is coming real soon now” and “nah izzy’s too busy taking out a 13 gallon trash bag of energy drink cans lmao” and “HA yes, one of those force flex heavy duty ones.”

Stede was starting to feel cheeky.

stede.bonnet: I suppose Pete’s donations would cover those late fees.

Ed laughed again at that. The chat replied with “oh shit @blackpete he read you” and “lmao @blackpete called OUT” and “lololol what a bitch I love him”

Stede’s phone started buzzing again.

“Thanks for reminding me, Stede. I’ll be extra careful about returning them on time, I promise. Wouldn’t want the library police to come after me, would we?”

stede.bonnet: Indeed. Imagine the scandal! And the newspaper headlines! Local man absconds with library books after not paying his late fines.

The chat kept interjecting with “is this supposed to be flirting?” and “no wonder bb didn’t come, new dude’s got no game” and “what are the books tho?” “☝ this guy is asking the real questions” and “omg what does bb read???????” and “what if they’re those romance books where the guy on the cover has his tits out” and “no, ok yeah, like that tracks for bb” and “man loves his tits, that’s for sure” and “wait, his OWN? Or other peoples?”

Ed chuckled and said, “Both. Ok so you guys want to see the books, huh?”

The chat: “YES” and “SHOW US” and “no wtf get back to playing the game” and “wtf is this shit” and “someone call izzy in here” and “wanna see the books bb, don’t listen to these losers telling you no” and “actually I want to see what izzy does with all this lol” and “he would fr have a bitch fit” and “iktr” and “show us your booksssssssssssssssssss and put your glasses on”

Ed grinned and stepped out of view but returned quickly. “Yeah, yeah, Iz, okay. People wanna see my books! Fuck off.”

“Bunch of fuckin’ twats,” the other voice said.

“You guys got Izzy all bent out of shape!” Ed said, laughing. A long series of LOLs and variations thereof filled the chat, as well as greetings to this Izzy person. Ed showed the first of his books, Beginner’s Guide to Gardening. “Right so this is one. I’m learning how to grow plants. I’m not very good at it, though. Not yet anyway. I’m trying to get better. Here’s the second one, called So You Want to Grow Plants? Yeah, like, the book is questioning my life choices. I thought that was pretty funny. Made me think of Izzy and how he’s always grumbling about my hobbies. And this third one is called Gardening Done Right, revised tenth edition. Which I also thought was funny 'cause why is there a 10^th new version if the first version was also called Gardening Done Right? Makes you wonder which parts they got wrong that they had to update the whole book nine more times. Can we really trust them with this one? And then this fourth one is called Let’s Talk About Plants, which I liked because it sounds really serious, like in a parent-teacher conference where the teacher is like, ‘okay listen, we have to talk about Johnny.’ And I’m just really curious what the plants did to get into so much trouble. And this last one is called Native Plants of the Midwest and it has all these neat little facts about stuff I didn’t even know existed, like this white flower that’s kind of an asshole. It’s called a ghost pipe and it doesn’t make its own plant food, and so it’s not green, it’s white, and it just leaches plant food away from all the other plants like some freeloader. And it’s also related to blueberries, so now I’m side-eyeing blueberries because, like, are they assholes too, by association? There’s a lot of shady shit going on in the plant world, guys. Gotta be careful out there.”

Stede saw the chat running wild, but he hadn’t been reading it. He was too focused on Ed, and how his eyes lit up when he talked about the books. Stede smiled until his face hurt about the way Ed was describing the books and the flower. It was such a fresh interpretation, maybe even childlike wonder, of books. Ed found a story even in their very generic titles, and Stede was absolutely enchanted by this. And more to the point, Ed was reading Native Plants of the Midwest! Reading it and enjoying it! Reading it, enjoying it, and memorizing it! Stede rested his chin on his hand and gazed warmly at Ed’s face on the screen.

Ed was showing pages from the books like it was storytime, and then popped his up from behind the book, giggling. “Edward!” Izzy called from somewhere closer. The smile fell from Ed’s face and Stede perked up, wondering what was wrong.

“Ah fuck, guys, it’s almost midnight, so I gotta cut the stream. But, uh. Thanks for watching everyone.”

Loads of thank yous and byes started pouring in. Ed was watching the chat quietly, chewing on his bottom lip.

stede.bonnet: Thank you, Ed. I hope you will sleep well.

Ed’s smile was back and he looked directly at the camera and waved. The stream ended. Stede poked around Ed’s twitch account, clicking on his schedule, and gasped. He’d never seen a more packed schedule. It was almost like Ed was booked 24/7. Playing this game and that game, sponsored games, interviews, game reviews, convention events. But he didn’t have anything booked last Sunday morning or yesterday. Stede shook whatever niggling thought was trying to ruin his mood right out of his head. Ed has to do human things too, like doing the shop, cooking, cleaning, laundry, showering, maybe even going outside once in a while, which didn’t need to include going to the library. He also needed time to read his books and look after his new succulents.

Stede’s phone buzzed again. Finally, he flipped it over to read Lucius's mountain of texts.

Lucius: Omg stede you just walked into the biggest disaster and it’s all your doing
Lucius: It’s so all your fault. Don’t you come crying to me about it
Lucius: Like how are you this oblivious?
Lucius: Really, you should be studied in a lab
Lucius: Probably enough material there for at least 5 phd dissertations
Lucius: Stede omg no haven’t you learned about stranger danger?
Lucius: Don’t tell people where you work!Lucius: And on that point, change your screenname asap
Lucius: Did you seriously put your first and last name with a period in the middle as your SCREENNAME on the INTERNET?
Lucius: I really hope Mary monitors your kids online because you are a danger to pretty much everyone
Lucius: These freaks can dox you in like two seconds flat
Lucius: And that means they will learn where I live because these weirdos are thorough
Lucius: They build Blackbeard Lore™ and every detail matters
Lucius: I am one of these details!
Lucius: Wait is he wearing purple cat ear headphones? So actually that’s cute
Lucius: Leather cat cactus boy. That’s where we’re at now I guess
Lucius: Did you just throw shade at Pete?
Lucius: Actually, no, I support this
Lucius: Yes, shame that man into not donating money to Ed anymore. We’re trying to save up for a new espresso machine, so…
Lucius: Wow, ok, so like Pete is celebrating because he feels famous now. Do you see what you have done Stede?
Lucius: Right, both of you are the most irritating adorable nerds I’ve ever been forced to see interact. Like, I feel like vomiting but also I need to see this whole thing through
Lucius: The famous Blackbeard is running off to get his books for show and tell like a 5-year-old. Stede, what did you do to this man?
Lucius: Oh my god he’s such a dork
Lucius: He knows these are just normal titles, right?
Lucius: Oh jfc not the native plants book
Lucius: He’s actually giving plant lessons after he spent forever blowing up like a million zombies
Lucius: I am imagining your face right now. I’m afraid to describe it
Lucius: And I just realized this will probably be the longest year of my life
Lucius: You know, someone called you a bitch earlier in the chat
Lucius: They’re right
Lucius: Luv you

Stede smiled at Lucius’s messages, and realized he probably had a point about the screenname. He researched how to change it, and then spent about twenty minutes pacing in his study. Now it was officially Monday.

Stede: Hi, Lucius. I changed my screenname on that Twitch place. Now it’s just “stede”.
Lucius: You’re such a dork
Lucius: How long did it take you to come up with that?
Stede: About 20 minutes.
Lucius: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Stede: I couldn’t decide if I should leave the period.
Lucius: What, like your name is a complete sentence?
Stede: Actually, yes.
Lucius: I’m rolling my eyes so hard they may fall out of my head, and then I’m going to sue you for money to pay my hospital bills
Lucius: But seriously, answer me one thing
Stede: What?
Lucius: How do you feel?

Stede stared at the question for a while, not quite sure how to answer. Or maybe he was sure how to answer but didn’t want that to be the answer, so he was pretending he wasn’t sure. But the problem was, if he thought about it too hard it would turn into a Thursday thought. And for once within the past couple of weeks, Stede was in control of his Monday thoughts, and they would stay Monday thoughts.

Lucius: ???

Stede looked at the computer screen for a moment, sighed, and smiled.

Stede: 🙂.

Chapter Text

In his office on Monday, Stede stared out the window, as he often did, but this time he had a dopey smile on his face. He felt giddy after last night on Ed’s livestream, even if it was only for less than 30 minutes. Somehow it seemed longer. It certainly was the longest conversation they have had to date. This morning over a quick coffee because he’d overslept, Mary quirked an eyebrow at him and asked why he was so cheerful. Usually, he was definitely not a morning person, often irritable, but today he was downright sprightly, and she asked if he was feeling all right. Oh, never better, darling! he had responded happily. And he was springing out the door after kissing her on the cheek while she simply stood there looking confused.

Even Nigel Badminton could not extinguish his joy, which was quite a testament to how high Stede was flying over this interaction with Ed. What a pleasant occurrence after the misery he felt on Saturday. He felt it deep in his bones that he would see Ed again on the coming Saturday. Already he was weighing in his mind whether to attend one of Ed’s livestreams. Maybe just to watch and see what happens, and not necessarily to participate. But he might want to participate. What if Ed would want him to participate? This was definitely a Lucius question, but was it a Thursday thought?

Maybe not tonight. Tonight was too soon. It felt too soon. Tuesday might also be too soon. Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday was the day to watch his livestream again. He had a proper screenname now. Just “stede”. No period, no bonnet. Just stede. Nothing to worry about now.

Stede: Lucius! It’s not too soon to watch Ed’s livestream on Wednesday, is it?

Lucius didn’t answer until an hour later, by which time Stede had almost worn a hole in the carpet in his office by pacing madly around on it. When the text alert rang in the echoing silence, Stede all but dove for his phone.

Lucius: How are you awake and freaking out about Ed before 9am on a Monday?
Stede: It’s called having a job, Lucius.
Lucius: If you’re going to be bitchy to me this early at least let me have coffee first 
Stede: Sorry.
Stede: So?
Lucius: COFFEE ☕ give me 30

Stede gave a growl of frustration and plopped onto his chair, staring at his phone with his hands crammed into his hair. He didn’t even care that it would get messy. Maybe Mary was on to something with the whole questioning his health thing. It was less than thirty minutes before Lucius was texting back.

Lucius: I’m still waiting for this latte to finish. This is why we need the new machine
Lucius: But I could hear your thoughts like a firetruck all the way over here
Lucius: No it’s not too soon to watch Ed’s livestream on Wednesday
Lucius: Actually, I appreciate this level of restraint. Maybe you can teach it to Pete. He joins the streams literally every day
Stede: Does Ed really work every single day?
Lucius: Pretty much yeah
Lucius: That guy Izzy? Yeah there have been some pretty nasty fights between those two over the past couple of years. Pete told me about it last night
Lucius: Believe it or not that was also my first time seeing him in a livestream
Lucius: He’s pretty cute with those cat ears 😸
Stede: Some of those books on his checkout history are starting to make sense.

Personal Boundaries for Dummies. Burnout for Dummies. Anger Management for Dummies. Codependency for Dummies. Stress Management for Dummies. Perhaps those were inspired by Izzy. Stede decided he didn’t like Izzy if this is what he was driving Ed toward.

Lucius: Right so I had like two sips of a latte and now my brain is partially back online enough to suggest this
Lucius: If you find yourself too excited to wait until Wednesday just go to his YouTube channel and watch his past videos
Lucius: His beard ones are still there
Lucius: Even the one where he shaves it off
Stede: Lucius, you’re a genius!
Lucius: I’m a librarian. It’s what I do, babe 😘

Stede lasted all of five minutes before he was typing in Blackbeard in the YouTube search bar. The icon for his channel was a black and white silhouette drawing of a long black beard and long flowing hair, with locks of hair picked out in white, framing a face-shaped oval. It looked like an icon for a hair salon, which Stede thought was fair. Ed could certainly model for shampoo commercials. He clicked on the link. Greeting him was the video of Ed shaving his beard with the title: Blackbeard shaves his beard for the first time in 20 years! It was posted last November and the view count was over 5 million. The thumbnail was a freeze frame of Ed holding clippers to his majestic beard and an image of Izzy’s angry face with eyes like red lasers. Taking a deep breath, Stede clicked on the video.

Ed was in what must have been his bathroom, standing at the sink and addressing the camera through the mirror. “Hey guys, here I am, Blackbeard, about to shave off my black beard. Though I guess it’s more salt-and-pepper these days.”

“Edward, you don’t have to do this,” Izzy’s voice said from somewhere, sounding a little desperate.

“I sure do, Izzy. Fair’s fair. I lost to Ned Low, and this was the bet. So, we ready for this, everyone?”

“Nah, Eddie, he’s just mad that he’ll probably have to do the cleanup,” said a voice Stede hadn’t heard before.

Stede paused the video just to gaze at old Ed for a while. He looked so majestic and powerful with that impressive beard, and he marveled at the fact that he’d been growing it for twenty years. But at the same time, Ed looked so weary and sad, staring at himself in the mirror. Stede pressed play again.

After assessing how he would approach the task, Ed turned on the beard trimmers. With a devilish smile, somewhat hidden by his beard, Ed winked and said, “Bye bye, Blackbeard.” Then, the first clip of his beard sent a fluffy chunk of hair tumbling into the sink, and Ed cheered. With the next clip, he was delirious with glee. Over and over the clippers passed across his beard. He set the clippers to a closer shave and passed over his beard again.

“You can stop now!” Izzy shouted.

“Nope,” said Ed, giggling. “Doing it all, Iz. Baring it all. You’ll have to look at my horrible naked chin and love it. Adding that to your job description. Yep. Close shave! Haven’t done it in a long ass time, though, so it will probably be a shit job.” And he laughed more as he washed his face with hot water. After spreading shaving cream over his face, he laughed again. “Look I’m Santa Claus. Which of you horny bastards wants to sit on my lap?” And with another wink, he picked up his straight razor and finished the job. He wiped his face and patted on aftershave, wincing at the sting. “Fuck this shit hurts like a bitch.”

When he looked at himself in the mirror, Stede had to pause the video again. He was staring in muted awe at himself. The sadness and weariness that Stede had seen at the start was suddenly gone, replaced with a youthful mirth and inner peace like the quiet euphoria that follows a release. Stede pressed play again and watched Ed breathe deeply like it was the first time in his life that he’d been given the chance to do so, and Stede could see years of stress slough away from him.

“Hi, Ed,” he murmured almost inaudibly. “Looky, looky, looky, Iz! That sexy jawline, fuck! Can cut glass with that!” He turned to face the camera directly. “There you have it, Low. I’ll send you the clippings as a gift.” After he blew a kiss, the video ended.

Stede scrubbed back a bit to the point where Ed faced the camera and paused it so that he could look closely. Although he liked the length of Ed’s beard now, seeing him freshly shaved and practically emitting light from the joy of it, Stede found himself drawn even more to Ed. There was so much of his life Stede wanted to learn about, so much he wanted to share. He wanted to make Ed feel as happy as he seemed to be in this video. His whole body seemed to tingle and he felt his heart rate increase, but couldn’t understand why. He just knew that he liked it and wanted more. Wiggling in his chair to get more comfortable, Stede clicked on another video and settled in for a marathon of Ed.

For once, Wednesday arrived quickly and Stede could not get to the office fast enough. He’d gotten up extra early to give himself plenty of time to rethink his outfit, which he’d done twice. Couldn’t chat with Ed looking rumpled and lazy, could he? Naturally not! In the end, he’d chosen a blue tweed suit and a silk tie decorated with teal and navy paisley brocade fixed in place by a silver tie bar. A silk pocket square tufted rakishly out the top of his suit pocket, looking deceptively casual with its baby blue and teal polka dots on a navy background. Black leather wingtips completed the outfit.

Ed would start streaming at 11am, and so Stede arrived early to get some boring administrative tasks done. He’d brought his laptop from home to watch the stream while doing his work on his office computer. The end of month reports were starting to come in, and, while Stede hated to work on them, he found it a good way to distract himself while he waited for Ed’s stream to start. He already had his laptop browser open to Ed’s Twitch channel, but he set to mute while it automatically played through the recording of his previous stream. In the corner of his eye, he saw the screen switch to “Stream Starting Soon”.

Yes, five minutes to 11. Stede set aside the stack of accounts and his pencil—he liked to work in analog first before submitting corrections electronically. Right at 11, an ad played. Thirty seconds after that, Ed’s face with his purple cat ear headset appeared in the bottom right corner overlaying the capture of whatever game this was that Stede wasn’t really interested in paying attention to. Nevertheless, he waited a good fifteen minutes before finally gathering up his courage to jump in the chat. However, he worried his messages would get lost because it seemed to be a never ending flow. At least this was more of a steady stream rather than the deluge that happened the last time. He suspected, though, that he might bring that deluge again, and was surprised to find that prospect thrilling.

stede: Hi, Ed! Happy to see your cat ears again!

Ed gasped and paused the game. “Ohhh! Hi, Stede!” Ed said cheerfully, looking at the camera, his face decorated with a wide grin. “Cat ears are happy to see you, too.” He giggled and resumed playing. "You changed your screenname."

blackpete: hi @stede
stede: Oh, yes. Lucius warned me about stranger danger, so I removed the period and the bonnet. 
stede: Maybe I should have replaced it with a hat like this: 👒. Ha, ha.

Chat: "omg he's BACK" and "wait, don't say anything else cute until I get back, because I have to go take something out of the oven!" and "naurrr not the HAT 👒👒👒👒 oh my goddddd can I marry him???" and "who tf is this guy? why are you all freaking out?" and "the fucking COMMA between the ha's 🤣🤣"

Ed was grinning and shaking his head at the silliness. 

stede: I hope everything is going wonderfully with you!

“Yeah, everything is great, Stede! Looking forward to returning my books.” He winked at the camera.

stede: In that case, I will tell the library police to stand down. 😊
d0xxexmachina: Fantastic. I’ve been waiting for this guy to resurface. He’s changed his handle. It used to be stede.bonnet. He’s a fucking moron because that’s literally his real name and his fucking work email address
d0xxexmachina: I looked him up, found him in less than a second
d0xxexmachina: He’s some rich asshole, like almost a fucking billionaire

“Phew!” Ed said. “I was getting really worried there!”

Stede finally saw the messages the other person was sending about him, and his heart sank to his knees.

stede: Ed? What’s going on here?
d0xxexmachina: some blond douche who owns a whole company
d0xxexmachina: Bonnet Enterprises. And it’s the slimiest shit. Motherfucker is in international corporate real estate

“Uhhh…Hey, Frenchie?” Ed said, pausing the game. “We’ve got a situation here.”

d0xxexmachina: And get this, so that you can all stop with the uwu shit
d0xxexmachina: Guy is married to a woman and has two kids
d0xxexmachina: We should contact his wife, Mary, and tell her that her man is trying to fuck some other guy

“Frenchie!” Ed cried more sharply. “Can you mod this, please? Where the fuck are you?”

Chat: “no fucking way” and “did you really just dox someone” and “you don’t know all the story” and “what a piece of shit” and “omg what a fuckin asshole” and “wtf u srs?” and “eat the rich!” and “fucking corporate America” and “I hope she divorces him and takes everything he owns and he never sees those kids again because he doesn’t deserve them” and “guys wtf is wrong with you all?” and “maybe he’s in an open marriage, maybe they’re poly, or MAYBE this guy and bb are JUST FRIENDS and you’re all just fuckwits” and “does no one notice this fucker’s handle? Their whole account is based on doxing ppl” and “TROLL” and “rich or not it’s obvious this guy is a total cinnamon roll, come on ppl”

stede: I don’t understand what’s going on…??

Chat: “@d0xxexmachina you’re a fucking creep!” and “@d0xxexmachina you’re a piece of shit” and “wait is it cute to dox people now? Wtf?” and “regardless of him being rich or whatever, anyone shipping these two have put the idea in their own heads” and “seriously, just because bb is gay and is having nice conversations with a guy doesn’t mean they’re trying to fuck each other” and “for real because like we can’t have friends now?” and “they met at a library and he showed him plant books, like it’s not that deep” and “no fuck that they were obviously flirting” and “bb just flirts with everyone” and “yeah because he’s a major slut. If anything we should be protecting blondie because he’s just trying to be supportive but bb is just trying to one and done him” and “I love that he ended up being a blonde. Somehow that just makes a lot of sense” and “yeah he just popped in to check on bb’s cactus to be nice and bb started cleaning his house like @stede was going to fucking climb through the fucking computer and fuck him for it” and “lol like that chick in the ring movie?” and “that was a tv dumbass” and “oh we’re slut shaming on top of doxing? How did we get here?” and “literally none of this is anyone’s business” and “ppl slut shaming bb like they haven’t been beating off to him for ten years 🙄”

Stede felt his heart rate going up with each message flying across his screen. He was waving his hands in dismay, on the verge of hyperventilating, not knowing what else to do. This internet stranger was telling all these people about his family?! Why would someone do that? How was he supposed to stop it? He’d never felt more powerless.

stede: Ed??? Please???

“Stede, just, please, don’t read the chat, ok? Frenchie’s on it.”

d0xxexmachina: company started in New Zealand but they moved headquarters to the US
d0xxexmachina: they live in St. Augustine
d0xxexmachina: wonder how little Alma and Louis will feel when they walk in on daddy with Blackbeard’s dick pounding his asshole

“Frenchie, fuck!” Ed shouted, and then he tore off his headset and hurled it to the floor.

Stede pushed away from his desk, his heart in his throat. “Oh my God, my children! Ed? I don’t know what to do!” he shrieked, burying his hands deep in his hair.

Chat: “@d0xxexmachina fuck you man” and “@d0xxexmachina you’re a disgusting prick gtfoh!!!1!!1!” and “bb why aren’t you modding this?!?!” and “bb you’re just letting your friend get doxed? you’re just sitting there watching?” and “dude’s gonna get swatted and then…well you know what kind of shit happens” and “ohh my god, this poor baby. He’s saying please. Bb wtf are you even doing? Stop this!” and “@d0xxexmachina these are little kids you’re putting in danger you fucking cunt!!!! Fuck off” and “um, BAN??” and “bb kick this guy out wtf you waiting for man?” and “oh yeah, poor baby rich guy who can easily pay someone off to go after this @d0xxexmachina loser” and “once again, it doesn’t matter if he is rich! People are allowed to be rich! It’s called working hard. You should try it” and “why are you guys acting like bb isn’t rich from all the losers who donate money and subscribe to him?” and “at least he’ll be able to afford the amount of security it may take until this blows over” and “ohhhh my godddd praying for those innocent kids”

The stream was suddenly ended. Stede stared at the screen as the stream recording started playing automatically. Suddenly it was deleted. Still he stared, stunned, mortified, humiliated, frozen in place, feeling like his blood had been drained from his body. His phone was ringing. Lucius was calling him. Not texting, but actually calling. Stede quickly grabbed the phone and accepted the call.

“Stede? Oh my God, are you ok? Pete has been texting me photos he took of the live chat on Ed’s stream and some piece of shit just doxed you? Tell me you’re ok!”

“Lucius, I don’t really know. I don’t really understand what happened!” He could hear the shrillness in his own voice.

“Look, okay, Stede, listen. That guy who was giving your information is an internet troll. There is nothing to understand about them because they’re just evil. They have nothing in their lives and so they use that as an excuse to hurt other people. And today, unfortunately, you were the target. They likely had a different target yesterday and will have a new target tomorrow.”

The stinging pain of tears poked the outside corners of Stede’s eyes, and his bottom lip was quivering. “Lucius,” and now his voice sounded so small. “I just wanted to be Ed’s friend. I don’t understand what I did wrong.”

“Stede, sweetie, you didn’t do anything wrong. Do you hear me? Absolutely nothing, okay?”

“Okay,” he squeaked, unconvinced.

“But Stede, I think you should mention this to Mary, yeah? Tell her about your new friend Ed and what happened, just in case she sees anything weird.”

Stede sniffled, the tears flowing freely now. “Yeah, I will.” He sniffled again. “Lucius?”

“Yes, Stede?”

“I really wanted—want—to be Ed’s friend.”

“And I’m sure he wants to be yours too.”

“Do you really think so? Even after this?”

“Of course, and I’m sure he feels really horrible about it, because this is also partly on him for not resolving it sooner. Um, okay, I have to get back to the reference desk. Take some deep breaths, take a long lunch, call Mary, hug the kids, and you’ll be okay, I promise. I’ll see you Saturday, but you know you can talk to me anytime. As long as I’ve had coffee first.”

Stede gave half a chuckle at that. “Yeah, okay. Thanks, Lucius.”

“Anytime. Muah.” The call ended.

Stede took some deep breaths, took a long lunch during which he called Mary. Though he had carefully avoided telling her about the sexual things they had said in the chat, it went as to be expected, with Mary getting upset and yelling at him about internet safety and that even Alma knew not to use her full name on online chats with strangers. And why was he watching someone play video games at work? And why hadn’t he mentioned Ed before? She had calmed down by the end, not believing the children were in any danger, but would call the school anyway and have them sequestered in the principal’s office until she picked them up, and no she didn’t think he needed to come home. She had told him she was sorry it happened to him and that people online were often creeps, and to try not to let it spoil the rest of his day.

It was too late. The day was already spoiled. Rotted entirely. What had started out so perfectly just dissolved into a complete nightmare. He had no way of contacting Ed; Ed had no way of contacting Stede. It just had to be left this way until Saturday. He went home anyway, but Mary and the kids were not there yet. Instead, he paced his study, feeling thoroughly ill. When he heard the front door open, he raced to the entryway, where Mary gave him a look of surprise.

“You didn’t need to come home, Stede,” she said.

Stede knelt and wrapped his arms around both children at once, squeezing them tightly and kissing each on the head, with tears stinging his eyes again. “I love you, Alma and Louis. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Daddy,” each of them said.

“Okay Alma, Louis, go ahead and put your stuff down and go play. We’re not doing any homework today.”

They both ran off cheering, but Mary didn’t follow them. Feeling overwhelmed by it all, Stede buried his face in his hands and wept. “I’m sorry, Mary. I’m so sorry.”

“Stede,” she said kneeling beside him. “It’s not your fault. I mean, yes, it was pretty stupid to put your entire name on a public Twitch stream that is usually teeming with trolls, but this sort of thing can happen to anyone.”

“But I put all of us in danger. And some of those people were saying really horrible things. It was just like boarding school. And they were saying horrible things about Ed, too, and it is my fault. If I hadn’t looked for him and talked to him on there, they wouldn’t have said those things to him. I just…” He hiccoughed through a new bout of tears. “I thought maybe…maybe he could be my friend. I don’t really have many of those, you know? And I liked him. And I’ve ruined it because I’m stupid.” His voice had gotten tinier and tinier. “They were saying…I don’t want to tell you what they were saying about Ed and me.” Taking a shuddering breath, he looked at Mary. She was pursing her lips, but otherwise her expression was inscrutable. “Everything was fine, until suddenly it wasn’t.”

They sat on the floor in silence for some time. “How long have you known Ed?” Mary asked.

“Ummm. Since the first week of April.”

“And you met at the library?”

“Yes.”

“And bonded over plants?”

Stede laughed faintly. “Yes.”

“Did you tell him about Plant Club?”

Feeling the blood drain from his face, Stede hoped he didn’t look as guilty as he felt. Did she just realize he'd lied about expecting Lucius that first Sunday? Unable to speak, he slowly nodded. She pursed her lips again but said nothing more about it.

“Come on, let’s get you some water and maybe some tea and biscuits,” she said, leading him gently to the kitchen. “And then maybe you should lie down for awhile, put some lavender oil in your oil diffuser, put on some of that oboe music you like, and just relax.”

Mary set all of it up for him while he changed into his silk pajamas in his bathroom. After he climbed into his bed, she tucked him in like she did for the children. It felt nice. Sitting on the bed, Mary said, “Stede, I don’t think you should talk about Ed in the past tense. Like, about being his friend, I mean. I think he probably wants to be your friend, too. I don’t think you ruined anything. I think maybe he might think he ruined everything, since it was his stream and all. He should have been in better control of it. I think he will probably go back to the library to talk to you about it, and you’ll be fine. Friends again and all that.”

“You think so?” he asked, giving the tiniest hopeful smile.

She pursed her lips one more time and patted his hand. “Yeah, I do.” Then, she picked up his phone, held it up to his face to unlock it, linked it to his Bluetooth speakers, and set Bach’s oboe concertos to play. “Get some rest, Stede. I’ll come get you when dinner’s ready.”

“Thank you, Mary.”

After she had gone, he stared at the ceiling, trying hard to empty his mind of the day’s trauma by breathing slowly and deeply, inhaling the scent of lavender, and allowing the music to envelop him. Just as he was about to drift off to sleep, his text message alert jolted him awake. A series of messages from Lucius kept coming.

Lucius: Hey, so a little while after our phone call, Ed called the library
Lucius: He was frantic
Lucius: Wanted to know if you were there, and like duh you’re only here Saturdays
Lucius: He started crying
Lucius: Like THE Blackbeard was crying into the phone
Lucius: He was panicking about the whole thing and wanted a way to talk to you to apologize and make sure you’re ok
Lucius: And you know me. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything
Lucius: I told him that you’re actually NOT ok and that he SHOULD feel like shit about what happened and I didn’t give a FUCK about him crying
Lucius: And then that really old lady Mrs. Gorsche who always comes in to read the newspaper
Lucius: Like the actual newspaper
Lucius: She made some noise of disapproval when I said fuck
Lucius: Anyway Ed said he understands and he’s really sorry
Lucius: I told him he will have to wait until Saturday to talk to you, and he said he will
Lucius: Because even tho I have your number, it’s not mine to give to him
Lucius: Even tho I suspect you’d probably be ok with me giving it to him
Lucius: But no. He needs to stew in this a bit
Lucius: And Stede, please don’t watch any of his livestreams for the rest of the week ok?
Lucius: You’ve got to give this some air
Lucius: Please let me know when you see this?
Lucius: Just wanna make sure you’re ok and then I’ll leave you alone.

Stede sniffled through reading the messages, feeling a weak burst of joy that Ed had tried to reach him and that he was as devastated about it as Stede was. Also, he was grateful to Lucius for taking care of all of this and checking in. He sighed as best he could with his stuffy nose.

Stede: I’m okay, Lucius. Mary and the kids are also all right. Thank you for letting me know all of this. It makes me feel a little better. I’ll see you Saturday.
Lucius: 💗

Chapter Text

Stede barely slept because he was anxious about seeing Ed this morning. Would it be in the morning? He figured it would be. But also, it was the day of his book club where they would be discussing Sense and Sensibility, hopefully without reference to films. Fretting about what to wear, Stede pulled almost everything out of his walk-in closet, feeling like he had absolutely nothing to wear. This was a job for the Auxiliary Wardrobe, he supposed. There was a dressing room connected to the en suite bathroom where he kept the spillover from his closet on wheeled clothing racks or folded neatly in plastic stackable storage totes that opened outward like cabinets.

Something cheerful ought to do it, he thought. But muted, because it was a Saturday morning after all. Actually, perhaps not cheerful, as there would be a serious discussion and then a need to be comfortable sitting in the book club. A pair of khakis, then, which were in the walk-in closet. For a shirt, why not light blue again? Ed hadn’t seen the baby blue one from a couple Sundays ago, so Stede felt safe picking out a nice powder blue one, a shade or so lighter than the other because he didn’t want to wear the same shirt in the same month. How pedestrian! The room where he held the book club tended to get chilly, so a cozy pullover sweater would be a good idea. How about the dusty blue one?

He spritzed his hair with a fine mist to awaken the volume after sleeping on it all night and added product to make it silky and hold its shape. Then he dabbed on the oil-based cologne he preferred to use because its scent lingered and didn’t decay into acrid alcohol smell. The scent he chose was something crisp for the spring, with notes of cedar and bergamot. Last, he donned his Cartier watch. Selecting his camel colored brogues, he padded out of his room in his oatmeal colored socks.

Mary was at the breakfast nook drinking tea, still wrapped in her dressing gown. She peered at him over her teacup, taking in his ensemble. “The moss one,” she said, lowering her cup.

“What?”

“Your moss green pullover. Not the blue one. Wear the moss one.”

Stede looked down at his sweater, rubbing his hand over his belly. “You think?”

“Yes. It brings out your hazel eyes.” She said this joylessly, the cast in her eyes somewhat harsh, and she pursed her lips like she was saying it against her will.

“Oh, okay. I’ll just go change then. And the blue shirt?” he asked, tugging at his collar.

“It’s fine. Won’t matter. You just need the moss green sweater, and everything will be fine.” She sipped her tea again and lowered her eyes. “You’re expecting to see Ed today, then?” Somehow it didn’t seem like a question.

Stede had already begun to walk back to his room but turned to look at her again. “I think, yes? I think he will come today. To talk about Wednesday.”

She grunted in reply, and when she said nothing further, he hurried back to his room to find the green sweater. After putting it on, he returned to the bathroom to fix his hair in the mirror. Well, I’ll be damned, he thought. Mary was right. His eyes were positively glowing now that they were offset by the moss green sweater. When he was standing in front of her again, he spread his arms to display his outfit.

Mary rose from her chair and nodded. Wordlessly, she walked past him to head back toward her room. “All right…bye then?” he called after her. She didn’t answer.

Stede arrived at the library fifteen minutes before opening, bursting into the office with his cheeks flush from his brisk walk. “Morning, Lucius!” he said a bit too loudly.

“Wow,” Lucius said flatly, turning in his chair and slurping on the straw of his iced coffee. “You look both good and crazed. Nervous about Ed, are we?”

Stede nervously fiddled with his hair. “Um, well, actually. Yes? I can’t deny that. But I look good, though? You just said I did.” He began smoothing his sweater.

“Uh huh, yeah. Good color on you. Makes your eyes pop. I’m sure Ed will enjoy getting lost in them.”

“Mary said the same thing!”

“Wait, really? She said Ed will enjoy getting lost in them?”

Stede looked at him, confused. “What? No! She said the color brings out my eyes. She suggested it, actually.”

Lucius set his cup down and crossed both his arms and his legs. “Did you tell her about Ed?”

“Yes, on Wednesday.”

“And she knew you would see Ed today?”

“Yes?”

“And she told you to wear a sweater that brings out your eyes?”

“Yes. Is there something wrong with that?”

“Hm,” Lucius grunted. “No, not at all. Just an interesting development. I’ve got to head out to the desk, but I think you should take some deep breaths before going out there because you need to calm down.”

“But what if Ed comes in at opening again?”

“Then he will wait for two minutes until you come out to meet him. Just relax, yeah? Prepare a bit for your book club.”

Stede set his bag on the volunteers’ desk and sat, while Lucius left to open the department for patrons. Flipping mindlessly through Sense and Sensibility did nothing to calm his nerves, and when the clock read five minutes past opening, Stede went to the reference desk, hoping his anxiety was less apparent.

“You lasted five whole minutes,” Lucius said dryly. “I’m proud of you.”

Stede tried to busy himself by poking around the internet, leafing through pamphlets, and tidying the desk, his eyes popping toward the glass door to the department every time a patron walked in. When the phone rang, Lucius picked it up and unenthusiastically recited the standard greeting.

“Got it, okay. No, I won’t let you speak to him. You’ll do that when you get here.”

Stede whirled around. “Is that Ed? Lucius, give me the phone!”

Lucius hung up instead and raised an eyebrow at Stede. “Like I told him, you’ll talk when he gets here. He said he’ll be about twenty minutes, and he’s sorry for running late.” Rolling his eyes, he grumbled, “Running late. I am so done with these two.”

Stede gave up pretending to be busy and instead stared wistfully toward the library entrance, resting his chin heavily in his hand. At last, the familiar frame of Ed stepped into view. Stede bolted upright in his chair, suddenly feeling the tremors of adrenaline firing through every nerve and blood vessel, and his stomach was turning cartwheels. It felt like such a long time since he’d last seen him that he’d forgotten how magnetic he was.

“Here we go,” Lucius muttered.

Ed stopped short, nearly stumbling over his own feet, when he saw Stede from the other side of the door, and quickly shifted his eyes away. Slowly, he inserted what Stede suspected were the gardening books into the drop box before finally pushing open the door and approaching the desk. His smile was bashful as he crammed his hands into the pockets of his black denim jeans. He was dressed in the usual black t-shirt and leather jacket, the same earrings and rings, and his hair was half up like it was on the day they first met. Stede stood shakily from his chair and adjusted his sweater. He could feel color rushing to his cheeks.

“Uh, hey,” Ed said, looking almost everywhere but at Stede, his teeth worrying his bottom lip.

Stede found it equally difficult to make eye contact. “Hi.” He gestured toward the book drop. “I saw you returned your books, then.”

Ed toed at the floor with one of his boots. “Just one. I renewed the rest online. Dropped the Gardening Done Right one because it just seemed too untrustworthy, being the 10^th edition and stuff.”

Stede laughed nervously.

“Oh my God,” Lucius complained. “You both need to just go to the office to talk. For privacy and for my sanity because it’s too early for me to watch—” he wiggled his fingers at them, “—all of this.”

“I suppose he’s right. Would you come with me, Ed?”

“Yeah, ’course.”

He led Ed to the office and held open the door for him to go through first, catching the fine scent of amber and oud as Ed passed him. Stede closed the door behind them and the two of them stood in awkward silence for a moment.

“Oh, feel free to take your jacket off,” Stede said brightly. “I mean, if you want to. You don’t have to, of course.” He laughed nervously.

“Yeah, okay. I think I will.” Ed slowly, timidly, shrugged out of his leather jacket, displaying the tattoos that covered his arms. None of the tattoos had any color other than black, and there were numbers of them. There wasn’t one single theme, just random shapes and sizes. But the snake did, indeed, coil ever upwards, sneaking under his shirtsleeve to terra incognita. Stede’s eyes followed it until it disappeared and traveled up further to meet Ed’s, which were boring into him intensely. Stede had forgotten just how big and warm they were.

“Ummmm,” Stede didn’t know where to go from there, but gestured wordlessly at Lucius’s office chair, which was more comfortable than the one at the volunteers’ desk.

Ed sat and rubbed his hands on his thighs. “Stede, I…I’m really sorry about what happened Wednesday. All the things that troll said, and other things people were saying in the chat. And, I’m so sorry about the danger it put you in. That I put you in. It’s not an excuse for me not being quicker to end it, but I have a moderator, Frenchie. He’s also my social media manager. He was away from his desk. He runs the technical stuff, because it’s…I mean.” He sighed and abashedly hung his head. “It’s hard for me to do more than one thing at a time. So he does all the tech stuff and I just play the game and talk. And read the chat. And those three things are hard to do at once. I know it looks easy and I know it should seem easy, but for me it’s hard. And it’s so stupid that I couldn’t do it by myself, because it put you in this bad situation and I couldn’t stop it. And you didn’t deserve it because you’re so kind and…” He cut himself off when he started to choke up.

Stede could hear that he was on the pinnacle of breaking down into tears, and by instinct he reached out and placed a warm hand on one of Ed’s that was still rubbing his thigh. Ed gasped ever so faintly and his hand stilled under the comforting weight of Stede’s. “Ed, it’s all right. I am fine. My family is fine. Yes, I was rather frightened at the time, and even for the rest of the day. But Mary helped to calm me down, and she brought the children home from school, just in case. But we haven’t experienced anything out of the ordinary.”

Ed sniffed, his eyes trained on Stede’s hand on his.

“Ed, please look at me,” Stede said gently. Ed raised his eyes, glistening with the tears that he stubbornly refused to let fall. “It’s not stupid not to be able to do things. And it’s not stupid to need help. Never. You do make it look easy, and I’m proud of you and impressed by you for being able to do all of that so well even though it’s hard for you.”

Ed’s lower lip began to tremble, and he hurriedly lowered his eyes again so Stede wouldn’t see him cry. But the tears left wet droplets on his jeans. Once again, the self-help “For Dummies” books that Ed had checked out wandered back into Stede’s mind, making him wonder why Ed thought it was stupid to need others to help him. Loneliness for Dummies. That one probably answered a few questions. Stede flipped Ed’s hand over and squeezed it, drawing out another startled gasp. Tentatively, Ed raised his eyes, peering into Stede’s from beneath his lashes. When Stede smiled, the corners of Ed’s lips raised ever so slightly.

“Tell you what,” Stede said. “I have something that will cheer you up!” As he began to draw his hand away, Ed gripped it more tightly, but then quickly let go and looked down at his shoes.

“What is it?”

“I snagged a goodie bag for you from the Plant Club. I thought maybe you’d like it.” Stede swirled around in his chair to open the desk drawer and pulled out the cheap plastic bag printed with an image of a happy sunflower dancing in a pot surrounded by the words Plant Club. He passed it to Ed, whose eyes lit up gleefully. Diving a hand in, he pulled out each item and looked at it in awe.

“A pencil! A bookmark! Oh, the bookmark has lots of neat plants on it. Should be good for my plant books, eh? Nice, a little info booklet. Fuck off, not a coloring book! Eight whole new crayons?! New crayons are the best.” Then, with a huge gasp, his eyes almost sprang from their sockets. “A sticker! Fuck, yes!”

“Oh, you like stickers?” Stede asked, smiling stupidly at Ed’s childish reactions to each item. He’d certainly gotten this right.

“Fuck yeah, mate. I love stickers. Have ’em stuck all over my computer. And my fridge. Fridge is covered with them. When I move out, the landlord is gonna have to buy a whole new fridge, unless the next tenant also likes stickers.”

“Well then, here, let me.” Stede scooted over to Ed in his chair and took the sticker from him. It was another happy sunflower dancing in a pot, surrounded by the words Plant Club. After peeling it from its paper, he stuck it gently onto Ed’s shirt, right over his heart, and patted it into place. “And look, it’s a scratch-and-sniff!” Stede scratched the sticker, bent, and inhaled deeply. “Ah, vanilla! It goes nicely with your cologne.”

He looked up at Ed whose eyes were welling over with tears again. “Um. Thanks, Stede. I don’t think anyone’s been this nice to me in a long time. Maybe ever.”

“I think maybe you just need a bit of whimsy every now and then. I hope you don’t mind, but I looked at your schedule on your Twitch and I couldn’t help but notice you barely have much time for yourself.”

“Ah, yeah,” he said, putting the goodies back in the bag. “Izzy likes to keep me booked and busy. Wouldn’t be who I am without him. He knows what he’s doing, that’s for sure. I am getting tired of it though. Just going through the motions now. All the games are the same. Drowning in first person shooters. There’s no nuance, no drama, no fuckin’ life.”

“Well, not that it’s my place, but have you thought of retiring from it?”

Ed gave a thin laugh. “Oh Izzy and I have shared that dance quite often these past few years. Even caught a whole argument about it on a livestream. It’s one of my most viewed videos on YouTube.”

“I may have peeked at that, too. In general, I mean, not that video. But I watched your beard one. Where you shaved it off.”

Ed watched him for a moment and then sighed, dropping his shoulders like the weight of the world was just placed on top of them. “That was another argument. We’ve had a lot of arguments. We even argued about the games I play. Told him I wanted to branch out to others. RPGs where you can build your own character. I could be someone else who I want to be for a while, even if I’m doing something unrealistic, like slaying dragons, or, like, a kraken or some shit. You know, there are these games, like Skyrim and the Witcher 3, and they have all these lore books in them. And you don’t have to read them to play the game, they’re just there for world building. I mean some give you experience points if you open them, but you don’t have to actually read them. But I want to. I love the lore books, and just going through bit by bit, looking at every detail. And I would love to actually read all the books during the livestreams, but Izzy won’t let me. He said people won’t watch if I do that. They just want to see me play the game and make jokes or do, I dunno, whatever shit. And it’s like I’m not even playing anymore. It’s a task, like washing the dishes, or doing laundry. And all the fun is gone. Some days I just want to play, for me. Get lost in a puzzle adventure where you literally have to read books. Just enjoy the story, try to figure things out, get frustrated and walk away, and then while you’re in the shower or something you realize the solution and you feel like you’ve accomplished something. Even if it’s just pulling a lever. It just feels good to feel smart. And just go slow, take it easy. But Izzy says people will unsubscribe, they’ll cancel their Patreon tiers, viewership would go down and I’d lose ad revenue. And the YouTube algorithm is a whole cunt and a half about continuous content. And so I have to keep grinding out the same stuff, and I’m tired. That’s why I’m destroying my kidneys with energy drinks. It’s the only thing that can keep me going, especially when Izzy pushes me into these all-nighters or tournaments with fucking Ned Low.”

“Who is that?” Stede asked.

“Some dickfuck who wears this stupid denim jacket that he painted silver, and he plays a stupid violin every time he beats a game. Weird gimmick, but for some reason people like it. But he’s also the king of the trolls. Just really mean. He mocks people, but not in a fun way, he just is really nasty. We had a tournament against each other late last year and I was just so tired of it all. This was back when I had my beard. I said if Ned won, I’d shave off my beard, and so it was this massively popular stream and people were sure I would win, because Blackbeard would never shave off his beard. Izzy was loving it because people kept donating money during the streams. And I was ahead of Ned, to make it look like I was trying to win, but as we were nearing the end, I started playing badly on purpose because I wanted to lose the tournament. And so I let Ned win and he’s been gloating about it ever since. I did a whole stream where I shaved off my beard, which is the video you saw. And fuck, Stede, it felt great. It felt so great. It felt like it weighed a hundred kilos and I just dropped it. And I felt like I could breathe for a while. I lost subscribers over it. Izzy was furious. Refused to talk to me for a month. Which was another blessing.” He laughed. “But now I’m back to being tired again. The beard thing was just a temporary high. And I got all gloomy again, and that’s when Izzy said to get something alive in my flat.”

“And that’s what led you here.”

Ed nodded with a smile. “That’s what led me here.”

“So, any sprouts yet?”

Ed bit his lip nervously. “Ah, listen, Stede. I haven’t actually opened the box yet. You know, the succulent starter kit thing that I showed you. I’m sorry that I kinda lied last Sunday.”

Stede shrugged. “Oh it’s quite all right, Ed. I don’t mind any of that. You’ll open it when you’re ready.”

Suddenly, Ed’s eyes lit up. “I’ve got an idea! I’ll do an unboxing stream! People liked my plant books. Like fifteen people even clipped that whole segment. I’ll do a stream where I take everything out of the box and look at all the stuff and I’ll do all the steps I’m supposed to do.”

“Forgive my ignorance, and if this sounds rude, but…do people watch people taking things out of boxes?” Stede asked.

“Oh yeah, all the time. I mean, for gamers it’s not usually—or ever—a box with gardening equipment. But yeah, I mean, it’s exciting to see a sealed box and find out what kinds of stuff it’s hiding. People wanna know, Stede. What’s in the box?! Like that movie, Seven, you know? At the end when Brad Pitt wants to know what’s in the box?”

“Ah.” Stede winced. “I can’t say I’ve had the pleasure of seeing it.”

“Oh, it’s his wife’s head!” Ed said cheerfully, and then looked worried. “Oh fuck, mate, I just spoiled it for you.”

“That’s quite all right. I don’t think I’ve a mind to watch it anyway.”

Ed smiled. “Oh, good. But yeah. When’s a good time for you to do the unboxing stream?”

“Me? What do you mean?”

“Oh, well. I mean. I kinda hoped you’d watch this one. If you want to. I’ll do it when you can watch. You don’t have to, obviously—”

“Ed, I’d love to! Maybe for this particular one, since we’re scheduling, maybe next Friday night? I’m usually free after 9pm, after we put the kids to bed.”

“Mary won’t mind you coming to bed late?” Ed asked, a shadow crossing his face.

Stede blinked. “Oh. Ha. We…don’t…ah…do…that…anymore…”

Ed’s brows furrowed in confusion. “You don’t…what?” He swallowed.

“Let’s just say it won’t be a problem,” Stede said, relieved for finding a way out of that land mine.

“Okay then,” Ed said, looking at him strangely. “Then yeah. Friday at 9:30pm okay?”

“That’s perfect!” They gazed at each other in easy silence, soft smiles nesting comfortably on their faces. “Oh!” Stede said suddenly. “Would you like to do something weird?”

“Always.”

“Well, it’s not really that weird. Or weird at all. Maybe it will be weird for you. Or maybe not! But! I host a book club every last Saturday of the month at 2pm. Mine is on literary classics. Maybe…you’d like to sit in on the one today? If you have time, that is. I know how busy you are.”

“You’ll have to explain all that a little more, I think, before I can give you an answer, which will be yes. But also I should know what I’m walking into.”

Stede chuckled. “I see. Right, so, what happens is every month you read a book that I assign and which is lent to you by the library, and then at the end of the month everyone in the club meets to discuss it. And today’s meeting is on Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. And there’s coffee, tea, and cake, if that helps.”

Ed pouted. “But I haven’t read it.”

“That’s totally fine by me. Most of them don’t read it either. They end up talking about film adaptations.” Ed giggled at this. “But if you think it’s worth spending time on, maybe you could sign up for the club. And if you come to the meetings, I’ll give you a sticker.”

“Fuck off, I’ll get a sticker just for reading a book and coming to class one day a month?”

Stede laughed at this. “Well, it’s not a class, but yes. And also, I have to admit I’m asking you for selfish reasons. You see, the entire club is made up of retirees, all women, which is fine, but they tease me and flirt with me, call me a dashing young man, and I’d like to serve you up to them as the target instead, just for a reprieve.”

“Well, sure I’ll help out. But in their defense, you are a dashing young man.” He did that thing again, blinking slowly like a cat.

“It’s not entirely accurate, though, is it? I’m not young.” He could feel his own eyes sparkling while he waited for the joke to land, and Ed hurled out a deep belly laugh, slapping his knees and throwing his head back, revealing the long line of his neck. Stede’s eyes were drawn to it. “Well then,” he said, jumping up from his chair and cutting off Ed’s laughter. “I should get back to the desk. You’re welcome to hang out in here and I can come get you for the program. I mean, you’re also free to go anywhere. Just if you wanted to stay in here, you’re welcome.”

Ed’s eyes grew wide like that cat from Puss in Boots. “You mean by myself?”

“Oh! In that case, maybe it would be better to hang out at one of the tables or one of the armchairs out there.”

Ed leaped to his feet, dropping his Plant Club bag in the process. “Yeah, I’ll come with you and sit out there. Read my plant facts and do some coloring. With these badass new crayons,” he said, scooping the bag from the floor.

Stede led the way back out to the desk and pointed to a nearby table where they would be in view of each other. Stede settled at the reference desk while Ed pulled out his coloring book and crayons and leafed through to find a good place to start. Feeling disdainful eyes on him, Stede said, “What, Lucius?”

“Ed’s coloring in a children’s coloring book. Which is filled with flowers.”

“Yes? So? I gave it to him. I told you he’d like it.”

“He’s also wearing a scratch-and-sniff sticker of a dancing sunflower.”

“Yes, I put it there and I demonstrated the scratch-and-sniff feature.”

“Before or after you stuck it on his chest?”

Stede finally turned toward him to find an arched eyebrow waiting. “After.”

Lucius rolled his eyes, muttering, “Oh my God,” and turning away.

Occasionally, Ed sauntered over to the desk to show Stede the pictures he colored, adding funny details like hats and colorful conversations, and even other body parts best left to the imagination. These visits were punctuated by Lucius’s comments, such as, “These dorks,” and “I can’t believe this is my life right now.” Finally, at ten minutes to 2pm, Stede led Ed to the room where they held the book club, and set about putting the coffee pot and kettle on and arranging cakes and cookies. Ed helped himself to a plate filled with both, and then Stede watched in interest when Ed added a drop of milk to his tea followed by seven pouches of brown sugar. Even this tiny thing, which someone else might be shy of doing in front of others, showed Stede that Ed was unapologetically himself, and didn’t even pause to concern himself that others may be watching in contempt or disapproval.

“Right, so, are you going to tell me what happens in the book? Or do I have to guess based on references to the films that I also haven’t watched?”

“Certainly. Quickly, before the others come in. So, a rich man dies and leaves behind a son from his first marriage and then his second wife and three daughters. The daughters inherit nothing and have to take a small house in the country. They each fall in love with men they can’t have. Marianne is the emotional one who falls in love with a romantic man who leaves her to marry a rich woman. And then Marianne ends up marrying someone respectable. Elinor is the sensible one who falls in love with a man who is perfect for her, but she finds out he’s engaged to someone else, and she has to pretend that she’s not broken-hearted over it.”

“And so what happens to Elinor? If Marianne married someone else?”

“So the man Elinor loves, he tells her that he was engaged to that woman when they were young and naïve, but he’s outgrown her, and eventually she dumps him for his brother after the first man gets disinherited. And he ends up marrying Elinor, happily ever after.”

Ed gazed at Stede silently, a small smile on his lips. Then, the other book club members started to file in, and each of them was startled to find Ed there. They looked him over like a pack of hyenas considering a meal.

“Are you joining us, dear?” one of them asked him.

“Yup,” he said cheerfully, but there was a caution to his expression.

Within five minutes they were fawning over him, asking him questions about his job, commenting upon his tattoos, petting his hair—which Stede wished he could do—and pawing at his biceps, telling him how very handsome he was with follow up comments such as “I’m old; I’m not dead!” Dolores was trying to figure out the features of her mobile phone to take a photo of him to send to her daughter who is single, and was Ed single? "Oh, you go the other way, do you?" "Well there’s a pot for every lid, as they say!" "No dear, it's a lid for every pot."

When Ed looked at Stede for rescuing, Stede pressed his lips together in a line and cheekily avoided his gaze while stifling a laugh. “You’re a right dirty bastard,” he hissed in Stede’s ear.

Soon, though, Ed seemed to be delighting in their company, easily flirting back with them which had them hollering and calling him a tease. When Ruthie pulled out her knitting, Ed mentioned that he had tried knitting but couldn’t get the hang of it even after reading a how-to-knit book.  

Ruthie smiled kindly at him. “Oh dear,” she said, patting his forearm. “You can’t learn this from a book. You need to be shown. My mother taught me how, and I’d love to teach you, baby. Evelyn does the Stitch n’ Bitch program two Saturdays a month at 11am. Stede can tell you about it. We can all teach you at the next one. Lord knows it would be nice to have a nice looking young man in there to make us feel like young girls again.”

Stede didn’t realize Ed could blush as deeply as he was doing now, while the other ladies laughed and encouraged him to sign up. Ed told them he would think about it. At the end of the meeting, after they had successfully not talked about the book and instead talked about how young Hugh Grant was in the film and that Emma Thompson was too old for her role, never mind how well she performed in it, the ladies left, bidding farewell to Ed—forgetting Stede, of course—while one of them pinched his cheek and then patted it. Stede was beside himself, bowled over in a fit a giggles.

“Thanks a lot for that, Stede,” Ed said, feigning anger. Then, he, too, descended into a fit of giggles. “Now I have to learn how to knit because I don’t want to disappoint Ruthie.”

“You sure don’t!” Stede agreed. “So? What do you say? Sign up for Literary Classics Book Club? Officially?”

Ed smiled, gazing at Stede silently for a moment. “Yeah, I will. I think I can do with more wild old ladies in my life. What’s the next one, again? Fuck, I already forgot.”

“Persuasion,” Stede said, handing him a copy of the book. “You can take my library copy. I have my own at home.”

“And what’s this one about?”

Stede tutted at him. “You’ll have to read it. But I will tell you that it’s about a second chance at love, and overcoming societal expectations about who people should love, and that love is worth waiting for.”

Ed stared at the cover of the book, letting a long moment of silence pass between them before he raised his eyes again. “A happy ending?”

Stede clicked his tongue and said quietly, “You’ll have to find out.” More silence passed. “Um, Ed, listen,” Stede began, writing something on a napkin. “I thought maybe, since you tried to reach me at the library on Wednesday after that whole…thing…and I wasn’t here and all that. I thought maybe I should just give you my mobile number.” He held the napkin out to Ed, having written his phone number on it.

Ed looked down at it, his hand outstretched to take it, but then he closed Stede’s hand around it. “Give it to me next month, at the next book club meeting.”

Before Stede could reply, Ed winked, turned, and walked off toward the library exit. “See you on Twitch,” he called over his shoulder before he disappeared out the door.

Back at the desk, Lucius asked how everything went. “Yeah, it went very well. The old ladies loved him, as anyone could expect. I tried to give him my phone number in case he’d need it, but he told me to do it next month instead. Not sure I understand that, but we did plan on a day for him to do a livestream for opening his cactus kit.”

“Oh God, you’re kidding!” Lucius shrilled. “He’s got slow burn ideas after listening to the summary of one Jane Austen book? This really will be the longest year of my life. Jesus Christ! Please tell me the next book is not Jane Austen.”

“It’s Persuasion. By Jane Austen.”

“Oh my God, no, please not that one. Stede, I will seriously die.”

“You’re the one who told me to start with Jane Austen!”

“That was before all of this!”

“All of what?”

“Ugh, never mind. Okay, I’m changing my LGBTQ+ book for June. Maybe cancel out this Jane Austen stuff a bit. I’ll have to put the order in now and ask Ivan in Tech Services to prioritize processing.” Lucius pulled up the ordering catalogue and started searching for a title. “I really do have to do everything around here.”

“Do everything? All you do is make sarcastic remarks and look at your phone,” Stede sniped imperiously.

Lucius turned and looked at him darkly. “You really are a bitch, do you know that? I’m going to make you eat those words so hard, I swear.”

Chapter Text

When he got home on Saturday evening, Mary was in the living room, staring blankly in the general direction of the tv where the children were seated playing some kind of fantasy game that was age appropriate for Louis. She didn’t smile when he greeted her cheerfully, but she asked him how his book club went and whether Ed showed up. Stede told her about his apology and how consumed he was by guilt about the whole Wednesday affair, while she steadily tapped her index finger on the arm of her chair. He asked her how her painting class was going, to which she answered merely, “Fine.” She didn’t speak to him for the rest of the night, which he wouldn’t have noticed if it hadn’t carried on into Sunday at Plant Club. She could barely scare up any enthusiasm for the now tree-themed storytime, nor for the progress Alma and Louis’s sprouts were making. Finally, it got to a point where even Stede noticed something was wrong, and so he asked her why she was upset. She simply pursed her lips in that way she’d taken to doing more frequently of late and said everything was fine. Stede acknowledged to himself that he was mostly clueless about women, but he knew the word “fine” actually meant Chernobyl levels of disaster, but he also knew Mary would explode at him in her own time, so he let it go.

Louis was in a bit of a state at the end of the night, which left Stede too tired to check out Ed’s livestream. Again, he felt like he was abandoning him, but also he thought it wise to be alert while in the chat, in case any more bad eggs decided to ruin everyone’s good time, or “vibes” as Lucius would call it. Indeed, he supposed, that is a nice word for it.

At work the next day, when Stede had barely sat down after pouring himself a cup of dreadful coffee from the break room, Jeffrey Fettering popped in and babbled out that Stede should be expecting Nigel to arrive soon. Soon turned out to be right now, and Nigel rudely waved Jeffrey off.

“Baaaaaaby Bonnet!” he crooned, followed by the most irritating tinny laugh. Stede wondered when he might come up with something new to call him, as this particular nickname was thirty-five years old by now. But of the three Badminton twins, Nigel was certainly the least innovative, a character flaw that carried over into his work.

“Is there a reason you’re here? Such as turning in your report that was due last week?” Stede asked dryly.

“Oh is that due already? I suppose time just flies by when you spend weekends on your yacht. Ooops, but you wouldn’t know about that, would you? I recall you’ve sold yours. Probably for the best, given how tiny it was. More like a rowboat, that. Oh remember that time with the rowboat when we were boys? What a delightful summer in the English country that was. Do you remember?”

“No,” Stede replied curtly, remembering quite well the time with the rowboat when Nigel and his stupid brothers tied him to one and sent him downriver while throwing rocks at him.

“The rowboat! Surely! Oh, we had so many laughs back then.”

“The report,” Stede reminded him.

Nigel sauntered in and sat on one of the chairs on the other side of the desk. “I heard that you’ve abandoned church for something about plants at the local public library in your quaint little town.”

“Yes,” Stede replied, finding it better to give the shortest answers possible because Nigel wouldn’t leave if he said nothing. He would sit there with that smarmy look on his face for hours until Stede caved and said something.

“Are you sure that’s best for your dear little children. We must think of them, after all. We don’t want them thinking it’s right to go around picking flowers as a hobby, especially Louis. What if he turned out like you?”

Stede flexed his hand into a fist and unflexed it. It was so tempting to pick up his brass paperweight and clonk Nigel on the head with it. “I think Mary and I know what’s best for our children. And I’d rather Louis grow up picking flowers and reading books, rather than turn out like someone like you who can’t even add two and two together.”

The smirk on Nigel’s face told him that the insult bounced right off, because of course it did. He prided himself on being too rich to need to do basic maths, which was certainly reflected in his reports that were supposed to deal with numbers. At least he was too stupid and lazy to steal. Stede’s pot was boiling over.

“Now kindly fuck off out of my office and send me your report by the end of the day.” Stede was somewhat surprised by his language, but it was a Monday and he hadn’t started drinking his inferior quality coffee yet, so he excused himself for it.

Nigel adjusted his tasteless tie under his ill-fitting suit and rose. “Your father would be appalled by the way you treat me.”

“Yeah, well he’s dead isn’t he? So it doesn’t matter.”

Nigel puffed out his chest as a means to look threatening, but all it did was cause his buttons to strain on his too-tight dress shirt—which, by the way, was the wrong color for this corporate office. Nevertheless, he left, but not before affirming Stede would have his report. Stede knew he’d have to stay late fixing it, and he’d have to call Mary to let her know he’d be missing dinner. Sure enough, at 4:59pm, Stede received an email from Nigel with his stupid messy and riddled with mistakes report, along with a threatening message that it was only by the forgiveness that he’d learned in church that he didn’t complain to HR about Stede’s unfair treatment of him, and that probably Stede ought to return to church to pick up a few of those good qualities also.

It took him until almost 9pm to fix Nigel’s mistakes before he was finally able to compile the entire end of month report and submit it to clients with his usual monthly apology message. Sighing and rubbing his eyes, Stede wished not for the first nor the last time that he could have almost any other job. Maybe he could take up Twitch streaming like Ed. He laughed at the absurdity of it but found himself pulling out his laptop to catch Ed’s stream. Yes, he probably should head home now, but he already told Mary he didn’t know when he’d return home, just that he’d return late. Might as well get a little relaxation in before driving home. At least there wouldn’t be traffic this time of night.

He was happy to see he was not late. It looked like Ed changed his layout, moving his camera capture to the top right instead of the bottom right of the screen. But Ed wasn’t in his chair yet and the room was empty. Stede peered more closely, bringing his laptop to the edge of the desk. He could see more of Ed’s room now, with lights coming from various sources, including strings of fairy lights behind the sheer curtain on the back wall, all of them lending a purple and pink and blue glow to the room. On his chair rested his purple cat ear headset. Already, other viewers were sending in greetings, so Stede thought he would do the same.

Chat: “hey BB ready to watch u win! 💜💜💜💜” and “let’s do this!” and “can’t believe you got an early release of this man” and “Low is gonna be so pissed off omg lmaooo” and “baby where are you??” and “fuck u at bro”

stede: Hello, Ed! Your room is looking rather tidy today. 😉.

Ed finally walked into view, holding a can of Monster drink, looking typically lovely in his back t-shirt and, oh this was new, black track pants. His hair was half up. He grabbed his head set and put it on, adjusting the mic before plopping into his chair and adjusting it again.

“Yeah, Iz, ok!” he said, looking off to what Stede assumed was the door. He opened the can of Monster and took a sip while looking at the chat. “Heyyyy, great to have you here. I wanted to make an entrance, you know. Hey, Jack. Hey, Stede!” He laughed. “Yeah,” he said, glancing at the floor behind him. “Made Izzy clean it up with a mop and everything. Added it to his job description and gave him a fifty cent raise. He’s finally made it above federal minimum wage, guys, clap for him.” Applause emojis filled the chat window. “Look, Izzy, they’re congratulating you!”

“Fuck off!” Izzy shouted out of view.

Ed laughed again. “Yeah, I did change my overlay. I’m on top now.” He winked at the camera with a rakish grin.

Chat: “always knew you were a top” and “you can top me any day” and “the only way you’re on top is if you’re riding dick 🍆🍆” and “no he definitely gives vers vibes” and “you think he wears those cat ears?” and “actually those with the glasses would be so hot” and “when the fuck you ever topped? Not with me that’s for sure”

Ed smirked. “Shut the fuck up, Jack.” He picked up his controller. “Okay I’m playing a special early release, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to influence my review. You all know by now I don’t fuck around with shilling for sponsors. Okay, let’s get into it.”

Stede had yet to understand a single thing that was happening, but he didn’t want Ed to think he left already. So he clicked the follow button and saw his name float at the top of the stream in a badge displaying that he just followed Ed.

Ed smiled warmly, but didn’t look at the camera. “Thanks for the follow, Stede. Glad to have you with us.”

stede: I didn’t want you to think my silence meant I’d gone already.
stede: I couldn’t contribute to the current conversation, so I did that instead.

Ed looked like he was struggling not to laugh and took a moment to take another sip of his drink. “That’s okay, Stede.”

Chat: “ohhh the baby is back!” and “hi @stede” and “hey @stede so happy you’re back” and “Wednesday sucked for you bro, sorry” and “aww”

Stede found himself not being very participatory as the stream went on. It was all going quite fast. The game was action-packed, the chat was nonstop, Ed looked like he was concentrating quite hard and sometimes getting frustrated. Trolls, as Stede now understood them, made appearances and Ed deftly drove them away, or they were banned by who Stede understood was Frenchie. At one point, Ed blew into his empty can, which Stede learned was his signal for Izzy to bring him another. And when Izzy appeared, looking quite grumpy, the chat exploded with greetings until Izzy showed two middle fingers to the camera and walked out of view. He seemed to be a favorite, Stede realized, and Ed seemed to enjoy his presence, but Stede also knew their relationship had some consistent problems.

Although Stede wasn’t talking, he was still enjoying watching Ed be so engaging, especially since he knew that it was hard for him to do it all at the same time. He marveled at Ed’s skill and perseverance and just sheer talent. He made people laugh, he made people admire hm. People adored him. Stede wondered what that must feel like, to be adored by so many people. He had over two million followers and over 175,000 subscribers, not to mention donations flying in constantly. He was on, continuously, like a great performer. Energetic, magnetic, beautiful, funny, and he made people feel special by addressing them individually either by their screenname or by what Stede assumed were their real names, because maybe some of them were his friends in real life.

But then Stede’s thoughts took a bit of a downward direction, remembering Ed saying he was tired. And yes, Stede could understand that. He imagined the adrenaline crash after the energy drinks wore off, how he must want to rest his eyes after staring at a screen, how he must want time to just sit quietly after talking continuously for hours every day. He thought of people who believed playing video games as job were lazy good-for-nothings. But this was just as much a performance as acting or being a musician. He had fans, and not just here, but on YouTube also. He had to hire a manager and a social media manager just to organize it all. It was a big machine with a lot of wheels. And he had to do more than play games. According to his schedule, he had to review them, which was its own form of playing, just as reading a book to review it was different than reading it for pleasure. He had to make appearances at expos that not only were livestreamed but also photographed and posted to Instagram. And then there were the tournaments against this Ned Low person, because he had to keep doing new things to maintain the interest. He remembered how Ed said he lost subscribers for cutting off his beard. So the tiniest thing a complete stranger could find to be an infraction and alter Ed’s livelihood. Ed had to carefully construct a public persona and maintain that, get lost in it and forget who he was inside.

Self-Compassion for Dummies.

That was one of the self-help books Ed had checked out. This was someone who was struggling to take care of the Ed inside him that was screaming to get out. Maybe trying new things would help. The library clubs, taking care of living things. Stede thought maybe Izzy’s suggestion to get something alive was the best advice he’d given during Ed’s entire career.

His phone pinged. Mary texted him, “Where are you?” He looked at the clock and it was already past 11pm. Letting out a squeak of panic, he quickly texted Mary that he was on his way home and that he was sorry and that Nigel’s work was messier than usual but he’s just sent everything off. He needed to say goodbye to Ed first.

stede: I’m sorry, Ed. I must go now.

Ed did a double take when he noticed Stede’s message and he paused the game. “Aw Stede, well thanks for being here all this time.”

stede: I’ll “see” you on Friday then? 😊.

“Oh right, yes! Hey guys, I forgot to mention it. Figured I should tell you in advance in case you don’t want to watch, but on Friday I’m going to do something different. It’ll be an unboxing stream. Yeah, Stede busted me. He found out I was a horrible person and lied about planting the succulents.” He started laughing at the jokes streaming in about him being a “dick” and “how dare he” and “how could you lie to the bean.” Stede didn’t understand the bean comment. “Okay, so…shut up!” Ed continued with a grin. “I’m going to do an unboxing of the starter kit on Friday at 9:30pm and do the first planting bit. So if you want a bit of silly fluff for a Friday night, that’s what you’ll get here.”

Many people filled the chat with sweet things but a couple of outliers complained and flung insults, which Ed easily ignored.

stede: I’ll definitely be here, and I am looking forward to it. Good night, Ed.

“Good night, Stede,” Ed said, almost sadly. He was still watching the chat when Stede closed the browser.

Friday felt like an event. After the kids were in bed, Stede rushed to his bedroom and threw on his pajamas and yellow dressing gown so that he’d be comfortable while watching the unboxing stream. He felt quite knowledgeable now, being able to say “unboxing stream” with confidence when he called Wee John to let him know in case he wanted to join and potentially give plant pointers. Lucius texted him to tell him he would be watching with Pete, but only so he could witness Stede being a monumental disaster and he needed material for a book he was thinking about writing. Stede seriously doubted Lucius was writing a book. He hurried to make a large cup of tea before settling on his chair at the desk in his study and opening his laptop. He felt a thrill when he saw the “stream is starting” screen. Just in time! Two minutes later, it switched to the familiar screen containing Ed’s camera capture, the chat window, and the screen capture window.

As before, Ed hadn’t arrived yet, but this time, instead of a screen featuring the game he was about to play, it was a photo from the store website of the cactus and succulent starter kit Ed had bought. Over the past few days, Stede worried that maybe his viewers would be upset, since apparently Izzy only let him play action games, and this categorically was not an action game. But he saw the viewer counter and it was in the thousands already. Stede beamed. People were already sending their greetings, and although Stede worried his would get lost in the inundation, he sent one anyway.

stede: Hi, Ed! I can’t wait to see your fingers getting dirty! 😉.

Chat: "Lucius said omg this is happening” and “this is some weird shit” and “Eddie you’re so cute!! 💜🍆” and “lfg!! 🌵” and “does he know, or…?” and “no 🙈😂” and “this fuckin guy” and “wait does his winking face mean something? Like, was that an innuendo?” and “OMG are they sending us messages? bb suddenly on top, getting his fingers dirty?” and “guys come on theyre just friends jfc” and “yeah remember he’s married to woman??” and “I can’t wait to see where this goes because ain’t no way” and “can you imagine izzy’s face when bb told him he’s doing this?” and “wish I coulda been there 🤣”

Ed walked into view carrying the starter kit, and then the screen switched to move his camera capture to the main view. Today he was wearing gray sweatpants and—Stede’s heart skipped a beat—his hair was in a ponytail and he was wearing black square-shaped glasses. Stede’s phone started buzzing.

Chat: “no fucking way” and “NOT THE GLASSES” and “he’s literally trying to kill us” and “how are the plants going to stay alive with him looking like that???” and “this is how he’s going to bring ppl to his cactus stream. What a clever bastard lol” and “🍆🍆🍆” and “fuckin hell” and “brb getting my vibrator” and “bb baby you’re so sexy” and “the only thing wrong with all of this is that he is outside of me” and “where’s @stede rn bc he gotta be rollin at this” and “bb I need you to fuck me pls 🍆” and “how are glasses so hot, like fr”

Ed still had not put on his headset and was busying himself by clearly reading the chat, laughing. He made a point of adjusting his glasses, swinging his ponytail, and blowing a kiss at the camera. Finally, he put the headset on, and returned to reading the chat, his brow furrowed. Then he smiled and said, “Hi Stede! Yeah, I put my hair up in case it gets messy here, and my glasses are for eye protection. Don’t want dirt in my contacts, right?”

stede: No, indeed. Eye safety is very important!
stede: I should mention that I’ve convinced Wee John, who runs the Plant Club, to join and give you pointers.
stede: you can begin your journey with confidence! You are adequate!
calypso: hey I’m Wee John, thanks for letting everyone know @stede lol

Stede’s phone was buzzing again.

Ed smiled. “Thanks, Wee John, and yeah I may need your help! Do you want Calypso or Wee John?”

calypso: either one. I know it’s hard to remember real names when you have to read handles

“Yes, totally,” Ed said, nodding vigorously. “And thanks, Stede, for today’s affirmation.”

stede: You’re welcome! 🥰.

Ed stared at the chat while Stede’s phone continued to buzz.

Chat: “the fucking emoji! Are you guys seeing this?” and “they’re so disgusting, I love them” and “🥰🥰🥰” and “ok srsly I need a friend like @stede” and “he sounds like he wears cardigans” and “LMAO” and “facts lmaooo”

stede: Actually, I do wear cardigans. They’re versatile and keep one warm.

There went his phone again.

Chat: “fucking hell” and “did he really write ‘one’ instead of, like, YOU like a normal person?” and “fuckin shakspear over here” and “*Shakespeare. Read a book once in a while, pal” and “fuck off who cares? what are you an English teacher or smth?” and “💀💀💀” and “Oh look, everyone is suddenly using punctuation and big words.” and “no, loser that’s just you” and “you literally just now used a comma” and “fuck, I did” and “fuck I did it again” and “he’s not wrong about cardigans tho? why we trolling him?” and “this guy is going to help me get an A on my next paper”

Ed had been reading the chat, resting his chin on his hand and smiling pleasantly. “Okay, I think we’re ready to start, yeah? Let’s get dirty.” He winked again and then stood, adjusting his camera to zoom out more so viewers could see his desk and him, as he was rather tall after all.

Chat: “yassssssss 🍆” and “so dirty, baby 🍆” and “nice and filthy bb 🍆”

Stede was quite confused by the images of eggplants, but he was flattered about potentially helping someone with their essay. Education was important.

“Okay, here we goooo! Opening the box now. As you see, I have the Home Grown brand Cactus and Succulent Grow Kit. It’s got a bunch of supplies and seeds inside, and we’re going to look at all of them. So I’ll be growing these from seeds. I don’t know how well it’s going to go, but I’m glad to know I have a support system. And I’m sure Izzy will let me cry on his shoulder if they die.” He threw a grin over to Izzy. “He loves me.”

He opened the box and pulled everything out of it first and then showed the empty box to the camera. “First, we’ve got some plant labels, which I guess you stick into the soil so you know which plant is which. Here is a nutrition packet. It has green dust looking stuff. So I guess this is the food. We don’t have any ghost pipe plants either, so no one is stealing anything. And I’ll make sure to keep blueberries away from here, too, since we can’t really trust them.”

Chat: “wtf is he talking about?” and “omg that’s so cute, that’s from his stream a few Sundays ago!” and “that’s right! He talked about that book that has all these native plants in it and said that whatever plant steals food from other plants” and “wtf has this channel become?” and “I did not have learning about plants on my Blackbeard bingo card for the year” and “I love this new timeline we’re suddenly in” and “I can’t believe this is happening, but I’m here for it lol”

stede: Well, I beg to differ about the blueberries, if I may. You see, blueberries are very kind and generous. They provide nutrition to us, and very healthily at that.
stede: They have antioxidants. And they are good in pancakes.
stede: To which my son is especially particular.
stede: And it caused a bit of drama some weeks ago when my wife, while she was in the process of making blueberry pancakes, discovered I’d forgotten to purchase blueberries when I did the shop.

Ed bent to read the chat as soon as Stede’s name appeared and sucked his lower lip between his teeth. Then, he covered his mouth and started giggling. “Well, okay then. Blueberries are back on the friends list.”

His phone was vibrating again.

Chat: “DYING” and “WHEEZING” and “there aren’t enough skull emojis for this” and “is it possible to die of cute because that’s where I’m at” and “there’s probably a German word for that” and “I bet @stede would know it too lol” and “💀💀💀💀💀” and “justice for @stede's son” and “jail for @stede for forgetting the blueberries” and “his wife has GOT to be so tired” and “totally right lol” and “crying 🤣🙈”

Ed resumed showing what came in the box. “Here we have some seed packs. So, it looks like they’re mixed and it’s kind of a surprise whatever cactuses and succulents you get, as long as you don’t kill them before you find out what they are. Then we have a little pouch with these whitish crystally things. Next, there are four little pots,” and he showed each individual pot, “and these little bits like lids or—wait, no, trays! For if there’s too much water. That’s what I tend to do, I think. I can never get the water right. Any tips on that Wee John?”

calypso: these plants grow in the desert, so the less you water them the better
calypso: you can go off on a two-week vacation, come back, and they’ll still be fine
calypso: they prefer not to be fussed over

“Hey, Izzy, I think I found your plant equivalent!”

“Fuck off,” he grumbled off camera.

“Ok, here’s the bit that I really need. It’s an information card guide sort of thing. And it has diagrams. Who else is a visual learner? ’Cause that’s me for sure.” He peeked at the chat to see people agreeing with him. “Ok last, there are four circley things which are…soil pellets. Oh, I see, I have to soak these. Ummm…hey Izzy, I need, like, a big bowl and a bunch of water. In a pitcher maybe? Can you get that? Right, so while he’s off doing that, how are you guys doing?”

Chat: “it’s great baby” and “not looking at the plants babe. lookin at the sweatpants lol 🍆” and “thought I was the only one hahahaha 🍆” and “dude what? of course you’re not the only one” and “literally all of us are looking at the sweatpants 🤣” and “is @stede looking at the sweatpants? 🍆🍆🍆🍆” and “most important question of the evening”

His phone was vibrating. Stede scratched his head wondering if this was some kind of inside joke and decided to play along, because maybe he would learn through experience.

stede: I guess so? I mean, I can see that Ed is wearing sweatpants. They look grey on my screen.
stede: 🍆.

Ed roared with laughter, bent over on his desk with one hand clutching his belly. Stede’s phone seemed to be vibrating at the speed of light.

Chat: “FUCKING HELL” and “he did it!!!!” and “oh god yes this is the best thing i’ve seen in my whole life” and “🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆” and “the eggplant oh my GOD” and “WAIT do you guys see he put a whole PERIOD after the eggplant” and “🍆.” and “…… 💀💀💀💀💀” and “I am deceased 🤣” and “I can’t believe he is real” and “this absolute BEAN” and “I just squirted sprite out of my nose and I’m in pain but I can’t stop laughing” and “my mom is yelling at me to shut up because I’m laughing too loud lol” and “PERIOD” and “eggplants are complete sentences now”

Izzy came into view with a large glass mixing bowl and pitcher of water. “Izzy, Izzy, Izzy. Stay here so you can read the chat to me while I do this shit.”

“I’m not doing that again.”

“Oh, come on, Iz. Help me out.”

“I’m not going to read what these twats write. It’s always something fucking inappropriate.”

“Oh, don’t be such a Sunday school teacher, man.”

Izzy walked off and Ed arranged the new items on his desk. “Okay, so now I have to soak these pellets and then I have to soak the seeds. Oh fuck, I need a different dish. Okay, I’ll just use one of these trays because I’m afraid Izzy will kill me if I make him go back to my kitchen.” After the pellets were soaked, he pulled them apart to make a pile of dirt. “Ok, now I add the green nutrition dust and I mix it all in nice and evenly. Look, Stede, my fingers are dirty now.” He showed his hand covered in soil to the camera and gave a wink.

stede: Mission well accomplished, Ed! Very satisfactory beginning.

Ed just grinned and shook his head while he kept mixing. His phone went off again.

Chat: “jfc can you imagine this guy talking like that in bed?” and “can totally imagine it” and “that’s the softest domming ever 🤣” and “ok is it weird if I’m suddenly into this guy instead of bb?” and “yes” and “no, because that’s me now too lol” and “get in line, bitches”

“Okay, now I get to divvy all this up into the four different pots. Let’s do it! I guess I do this with my hands too. Next, I have to put these white crystals. I still have no idea what these are. Wee John, help?”

calypso: it’s called perlite and it’s used to help with aeration and draining. It basically helps you not overwater and keeps the soil loose

“Awesome, thanks, man. So now I have to mix that together loosely. Now I get to add some seeds! Here we go, guys! Babies are getting planted! And now I cover them with a tiny bit of soil. And what’s cool is I don’t have to water it now because there’s already a lot of moisture in the soil because I soaked it already.” He moved the bowl and pitcher away from his desk, as well as leftover materials, and sat down again, adjusting his camera to zoom in more. “And there we have it,” he said, showing each of the four potted plants in turn. “How’d I do?”

stede: Oh, Ed, you did so well.

He grinned broadly. “Thanks, Stede.”

Chat: “OMG BB has a praise kink!” and “new kink unlocked HAHAHA” and “someone add this to the wiki lmaooooooo”

Stede’s phone vibrated again.

Ed sighed, moving aside his plants and adjusting his glasses. “Well. I guess that’s that. I’ll have to move them to a window sill and think up some cool names. I’ll name the cactus Izzy because it’s prickly.”

“Fuck off,” Izzy said, and Ed kissed in his direction.

“Soooo thanks for being here. I know it was a weird change of events, but it’s nice to mix things up, yeah? Tomorrow I’ll be back with the game, and I’ll see you then. Bye!”

But he didn’t end the stream right away because he was giving some time to read the farewell messages.

stede: Good night, Ed.

Ed smiled and looked at the camera. “Good night, Stede.” He waved, and the stream ended.

Stede sighed and closed the browser and closed his laptop. His phone vibrated again. At last, he flipped it over to read all the messages Lucius had sent him.

Lucius: WHAT THE FUCK
Lucius: Do you see that he’s wearing Stede?
Lucius: As much as I hate saying this, he’s actually hot
Lucius: I’m allowed to say that because Pete’s saying that
Lucius: First of all, a ponytail!
Lucius: Second of all, GLASSES?!
Lucius: When the fuck did glasses become hot?
Lucius: Now, that’s when
Lucius: Ok maybe ask Wee John next time if it’s ok to use his real name??
Lucius: Not that Wee John is his real name
Lucius: BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Lucius: Haven’t we talked about stranger danger?
Lucius: Did you seriously send the 🥰
Lucius: A smile face with HEARTS around it?
Lucius: What are you even doing?
Lucius: How am I supposed to live in these conditions?
Lucius: Cardigans. You are such a dork
Lucius: You read too much 19^th century literature
Lucius: One? How is ONE supposed to live in these conditions, Stede?
Lucius: Tell me that!
Lucius: Too much info about the blueberries and dysfunctional family
Lucius: Ed is literally biting his lip
Lucius: Biting his lip, wearing glasses and a ponytail
Lucius: He’s such a whore oh my god this is so unfair
Lucius: Pete is literally salivating
Lucius: I have to go find a beach towel for him
Lucius: Do NOT answer that question about the sweatpants!!!!!!!!!!
Lucius: FUCK
Lucius: You fucking answered the question about the sweatpants
Lucius: With an EGGPLANT EMOJI
Lucius: I literally had to spell out eggplant emoji because that is how serious this is
Lucius: Followed by a period??????????????
Lucius: Seriously, Stede, how am I to LIVE????
Lucius: You have no idea what 🍆 means.
Lucius: Notice the period in that sentence? It’s because it WASN’T a question
Lucius: It was a statement
Lucius: Because I know you don’t know what it means
Lucius: It means DICK, Stede. COCK. Do you understand now???
Lucius: You made a sexual innuendo
Lucius: You did
Lucius: In your fucking cardigan because you’re probably wearing a cardigan right now
Lucius: Satisfactory beginning? What are you even doing?
Lucius: The praise??? Call an ambulance for me!
Lucius: I’d ask Pete to do it, but he already died when Ed showed his dirty fucking fingers
Lucius: He didn’t even leave behind a will, Stede!
Lucius: And he has all this Blackbeard merch and WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT??
Lucius: Stream ended, so you have to answer me now, goddammit

Stede was a bit alarmed at learning what the eggplant emoji meant and decided he would not be using it again unless talking about actual eggplants, except if he were talking to Lucius about eggplants. Lucius would certainly find a way to misinterpret it.

Stede: Actually, I am wearing my dressing gown, not a cardigan.
Lucius: That is all you have to say??
Stede: Yes.
Lucius: I hate you so much
Stede: 🥺.
Lucius: I love you so much
Stede: 😊.

Chapter Text

Ed didn’t come to the library on Saturday, and Stede supposed he must have been tired and slept in. He had a stream starting at noon. On Sunday night, Stede lurked for a bit before going to bed to get up early for work, and lurked for a bit on Monday night too. Ed had seemed rather stressed during those streams and Stede didn’t want to distract him or get the chat off topic, since he seemed to put them into a spiral when he said virtually anything. It was hard enough for Ed to concentrate, especially since these games moved fast and there were so many things packed on the screen that he had to pay attention to, to say nothing of using the controller. Stede was atrocious with a controller because each hand had to do a million separate things at once. And remembering all of that without looking, trying to win a game while people were watching, and having to read unrelated conversations and respond to them? It was almost too much for Stede even to watch. Still, he liked to announce when he was there and when he was leaving, and each time, Ed paused his game to give Stede his full attention. Another reason why he thought it better to lurk. Imagine if Ed lost subscribers because he kept pausing the game whenever Stede said something?

On Tuesday evening when they were in the living room together in their respective armchairs, reading their respective books, Mary suddenly slammed hers shut and looked at Stede with a touch of anger. “What are you reading?”

“Uh,” he looked at the cover of his paperback and showed it to her, marking his page with his thumb and removing his reading glasses. “It’s Lucius’s book assignment for his Queer Fiction Club. We meet on Saturday and I’m trying to get through it. Usually these go fast because the writing tends to be rather juvenile. They’re meant for teens. Lucius wants to be able to help teens find representation in media.”

“Why are you in it?” her voice was growing more irritated.

“Mary, I told you when I started volunteering that Lucius made me sign up in order to allow me to run the Literary Classics one.”

“Is it turning out to be educational?” Her foot on the leg that was crossed over the other was bouncing now. Stede watched it.

“I mean, yes? This one is about trans women and their plight in finding a space that accepts them. That’s certainly been educational. I hadn’t really known much about it before.”

“Anything else?”

“They’ve all been about high school or college students, so just mostly they’re stories about kids trying to figure out who they are.” He was quite confused by her demeanor but was somewhat afraid to point it out. To attempt to lighten the mood, he said, “I’m reading Persuasion for my club. Not really much to learn from there personally, I suppose, except about 19^th century society. Mostly what I end up learning is personal things about the ladies who’ve joined. Too personal, if you catch my meaning.”

“And that’s the one Ed joined? Ed who plays violent games all day, every day?”

“Yes…?” He didn’t know why he kept making his affirmative answers into questions. “I guess he just wants an escape from all the violence. Which I think is understandable. Wouldn’t you agree?”

She crossed her arms now and looked away, her brows knitted together and the radius of her fury expanding ever outward. Stede could almost physically feel it. But also it inspired his own anger. “Can you please tell me what’s wrong, Mary? I know I haven’t missed our anniversary, because it’s next month. So, if I’ve done something, or missed a date, or forgotten something again from your fucking grocery lists, just tell me, because this unspoken rage is not helping anyone. In fact, it’s unfair.”

She turned her head to look at him again, her anger jumping out of her eyes like fireballs. “Unfair? All of this is unfair!” she shouted, waving her arm around at the room.

Stede glanced around the room trying to find the thing that was upsetting her but couldn’t find anything that hadn’t been there within the past five years at least. Some things had been there for the full twelve years they’d been married.

“I have been trying, Stede. I know we have been drifting apart a lot since Louis was born. But I have been trying.”

“And you think I haven’t? What haven’t I done, Mary? Only last month I had an idea to break the monotony with Plant Club, and that has been wonderful, hasn’t it? The children are thriving there. We’ve been doing wonderfully, I thought, as a family. Having something new to look forward to every week.”

“And that’s the problem, Stede. You think our lives are monotonous.”

“Well, don’t you? We do the same fucking thing every day, for Christ’s sake. We needed to add a bit of adventure, didn’t we? And this summer, Louis and I are going to build that model boat, which, all right, yes, I haven’t bought yet, but I will. And we added something special to our lives individually, which, by the way, was your suggestion.”

She narrowed her eyes at him and finally lowered her voice, which he actually found more terrifying than the shouting. “You know, I’ve seen you looking at your watch.”

“Well, I—” He was utterly unprepared and perplexed by this. “I like to know what time it is. Why is that a problem?”

“Because you do it at night, when it’s bedtime for Alma and Louis. And the closer it gets to 8, the more often you look at it. Like you can’t wait for them to go to bed and have your evening to yourself.”

Stede shook his head. “Now that’s unfair. That’s not true. How dare you suggest what you’re suggesting. I can’t even voice it.”

“Once, I came downstairs to get some water because I forgot to bring it up to my room. And I heard some noises coming from your study. So I went over there and I heard a voice, and it wasn’t your voice. And then I heard video game noises, because I recognize the sounds of first person shooters. You were watching someone play a video game. It can only have been Ed. You would rather spend time with Ed than spend the night with your family.”

“That’s simply not true, Mary. We put the children to bed the same time every night. Sometimes we stay up together, sometimes we don’t. Most times we don’t. By 9 pm that’s the end of our nights. Nothing has changed. Only instead of only reading books, now I spend time with a friend too. I can’t have friends now?”

“Stede, why didn’t you have any girlfriends before me?”

The abruptness of the subject startled him. He thought for a moment, trying to process the question. “I guess the idea just never occurred to me.”

“Why not?” she asked, much more calmly.

“Well, I suppose I was always busy trying to excel at something to make my father proud. He never was. It was never enough. Even perfection. There was always something disappointing about me. And I guess I just got so used to being disappointing that I never thought about adding anyone else to my life.”

“You didn’t want anyone in your life?”

“It just never crossed my mind.”

“Anyone? At all? No casual tickle and play behind the bushes?”

“Tickle and what? Mary, you know I was a virgin when we married. No one could have been more of a virgin than I was. I’d never even kissed anyone.”

“And then you had to marry me.”

It sounded sad when she put it like that. He supposed it was sad. He was sad for both of them. “I’m sorry, Mary. I know…I know you wished for better. And I’m sorry I’m not good at…well, anything, really.”

She sighed heavily. “I’m going to bed. Remember to shut the lights off.”

And off she went, which Stede didn’t think was fair at all, because now he wasn’t going to be able to sleep. He also felt too guilty to join Ed’s livestream. Had he been spending too much time online? He didn’t watch Ed’s streams for the rest of the week. On Saturday morning, Ed didn’t show up at the library. Stede checked his schedule to see that he had been streaming since last night and he was pulling a 48 hour gaming marathon. Stede showed it to Lucius, rather appalled that he had to stay up 48 hours in a row playing action games and consuming energy drinks, and that surely Izzy knew the hazards of this. Lucius patted him on the shoulder and reminded him that Ed was, indeed, an adult who makes plenty of money to retire on and still be rich, and he could tell Izzy to fuck off at any time. But Stede remembered that Personal Boundaries for Dummies book and thought maybe he couldn’t do that. Stede realized at the same time that Ed knew enough to look for help on these particular subjects, so maybe Lucius was right and Stede was treating him like a child. Adulting for Dummies was another book that came to mind. Not that that book made him a child, but just that he understood Ed was missing a lot of support in his life that he was trying to find in books that weren’t working. Some of these books were probably far outdated now and wouldn’t help even the best-adjusted person. Stede wondered if Ed knew that or if he thought when something didn’t work it was because he failed, which was certainly something Stede could identify with. Particularly this week.

There was a steady of trickle of patrons this morning, for which Stede was grateful because it kept his mind of Ed. Well, sort of. As soon as each one walked away, his mind was on Ed again. Lucius, by the grace of all that was holy, didn’t have any quips to sling his way because he was too busy writing down prompt questions for his LGBTQ+ book club this afternoon, which he’d also be attending, but he only participated when they wanted a dad’s perspective about something. Or when they wanted to be obnoxious teenagers and make fun of him.

It was edging toward lunchtime, and Stede was feeling his hanger starting to rise with each human interaction. He had a sandwich waiting for him in the office, and he liked to take an hour lunch. Because he could, as a volunteer. Lucius was only allowed thirty minutes officially, but he always managed to sneak it into an hour and a half while still making it seem like he was working. Stede found this to be incredibly fascinating because Lucius was equally adept at making it seem like he wasn’t working during the times when he was.

The phone rang and Stede picked up the receiver. “Good morning, thank you for calling the reference desk, how may I help you?” It wasn’t the full greeting they were expected to say, but Stede was growing weaker from the hunger and couldn't muster the strength for it. He'd need to preserve some for the conversation.

“Stede?”

“Ed?” Stede almost dropped the phone. “Oh Ed, hi! Fancy you calling the library! Oh shit—” A patron just stepped up to the desk and judging by Lucius’s eyebrow raised halfway to Mars, Stede knew he would have to put Ed on hold to deal with this annoying person who decided now was the right time to bother him with a question like, how do I open the internet on the computer, or whatever other nonsense people who interrupt tend to ask. “Please, please,” he stammered, getting flustered now. Please hold. Maybe even Let me put you on hold. Those were things normal people might say. But not Stede, apparently. Instead, Stede said things like, “Please let me…hold…you…”

In a panic, he pressed the hold button with the might of a war horse and slammed the phone down. “Oh God.” Looking desperately from Lucius to the patron, he silently implored Lucius to handle it because there was no way Stede was ever going to speak again. Happily, Lucius obliged, since he was actually quite an empathetic person and was willing to lend a hand when the situation was as dire as it clearly was for Stede at this moment. Even if he did it with eye rolling and muttering and hand gestures, and Stede was sure he heard the word “Muppet” mentioned at least once. But now there was the matter of Ed on hold, and oh God, he had to deal with that, hadn’t he? Ed was waiting for him. For now, Stede was catatonic with shame, staring at the phone as if it would disappear if he wished hard enough.

With shaky hands, Stede lifted the phone again, and mustering all of his internal strength, he pressed the hold button again. And he heard laughter. Hysterical, hollering, side-splitting, abs-sculpting laughter. “Ed?”

“Please let me hold you?” Ed wheezed. And then he erupted into laughter again.

Stede couldn’t help but start laughing too. And soon Stede was collapsed on the desk, laughing so much that tears were pouring from his eyes.

“Right, so while he’s doing that, I’ll go ahead and show you where this book is,” Lucius said to the patron, leaving Stede incapacitated in his chair. When Lucius came back, Stede was still laughing, and he took the phone from him. “Ed, listen—Yes this is Lucius. Ugh, hi Pete, hi chat. Literally not happy to meet any of you. Anyway, Ed, I’m putting you on hold again and I’m sequestering Stede to the office to pick it up from there. Because some of us are trying to work.”

He put the phone on hold again and shooed Stede away from the desk to the office. Stede sat at Lucius’s desk, since the volunteers’ desk didn’t have a phone, and he resumed talking to Ed.

“Ed! I’m here!” He was breathless from laughing now.

“Hi Stede! That was fun! Everything hurts now, though, from all that laughing.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be doing a 48-hour stream? I saw it on your schedule.”

“Yeah, I’m doing it right now! The chat is saying hi. I’ve got you on speaker. Hope you don’t mind. I—they all missed you since you haven’t been on and they just wanted to say hi and see if you were okay.”

Stede beamed, feeling pleasantly warm. “Oh, how lovely! Hello, chat! I’ve missed all of you, too. All is well here, just, you know, busy with work and family.”

“Ah, yeah,” Ed said, sounding somewhat dejected.

Stede wished he could see his face. Which…yes, actually, he could. “Hey, Ed, I have an idea. Why don’t I pull up your stream right now?”

“Oh,” he said in a small voice. “I was kinda liking the voice call thing.”

“Yes, we will still do that. I just want to see your face while we chat. You know, since I can.”

“But I can’t see yours.”

“Oh, well, um. You remember what it looks like, so maybe you can just imagine it. You’re very creative, as I remember from your coloring books.”

“Uh…oh no, Stede! The chat is going crazy about that. They want to know what you mean by coloring books, and I don’t know if I want to explain that,” Ed said, laughing.

“It’s ok, I can explain it,” Stede said cheerfully, as the stream loaded. It appeared to have a couple seconds’ delay, but Ed wasn’t lying about everyone going crazy about the coloring book because the messages were still flying in like a military assault. “Well, I gave him a coloring book of flowers, which came in the Plant Club registration bag. But he didn’t register for Plant Club. I stole it for him, you see. I’m a criminal now, and all of you are now accomplices. A couple Saturdays ago, he sat here at the library coloring in it and drawing hats on coneflowers and…uh…heh…eggplants on other flowers, if you take my meaning. Lucius explained to me what eggplants mean in a non-eggplant context. Sadly, Ed had only eight crayons because the library can’t afford to be giving out deluxe boxes to a hundred kids, but I think maybe I ought to donate one of my kids’ boxes of 125 crayons to him, just as soon as I’m able to make sure all the colors are accounted for. But I think there must be a brand new one somewhere. I feel like I’m always buying those damned things. Definitely have never once forgotten that entry on my wife’s shopping lists.”

He heard his voice through the computer and saw Ed’s eyes grow large and lips part at the mention of 125 crayons. The chat was coming in so fast that Stede couldn’t even read half a sentence before it disappeared from view.

“Would you like that, Ed?”

Ed nodded slowly, his eyes still wide. “Hey Stede, I have something to show you! Gimme a sec.” He sprang away without waiting for a reply.

There were several eggplant emojis coming through now, and Stede chuckled. He scrolled up to see some of what he had missed. Lots of greetings, which he found sweet. Lots of laughing emojis at the mishap of putting Ed on hold.

Chat: “hoooooly shit do you hear that accent?” and “he sounds so cute omfg” and “wait is he from New Zealand too?!” and “can’t handle these sexy accents” and “🥝🥝🥝!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and “he sounds so friendly!” and “aww” and “he’s definitely wearing a cardigan today” and “heeeeeeeee! he wants to see BB’s face” and “no shit sherlock, wouldn’t you?” and “why else is anyone watching his streams 🤣” and “wait a minute what do you MEAN coloring books?!” and “bb colors!” and “gotta write colour, like with a u, like these guys probs do” and “bb coloUrs” and “that’s amazing wuttttt” and “oh stede is giving us the tea on bb coloring HAHA” and “nda’s don’t work on this guy” and “it’s ok cuz he can afford the legal bills” and “he’d fold like a lawn chair under interrogation” and “yeah and give extra info like I dunno the family recipe for blueberry pancakes” and “lmao blueberry pancakes” and “shut up he just said he stole a coloring book and we’re all accomplices” and “shit we goin to jail” and “fuck lemme call my lawyer lol” and “NOT THE EGGPLANTS AGAIN! HOLLERING” and “this guy is too sweet for this shitty world” and “did you guys SEE bb’s face when he mentioned 125 crayons?” and “deluxe boxes omg cryingggggg” and “they need to stop because I’m getting cavities over here and I haven’t finished paying my annual premium yet” and “no fr his wife is TIRED” and “how many fucking boxes of 125 crayons?!” and “those kids are spoiled. Most I had growing up was one box of 24!” and “do you remember when the mac and cheese color came out? It was a defining moment in my childhood” and “so he remembers to buy 100 boxes of crayons but not one pack of blueberries????” and “very sus. definitely the kind of person who steals plant club registration bags” and “no bc like kids don’t play when it comes to crayons” and “thems facts right there” and “I broke a kid’s finger when he broke my burnt sienna crayon. They don’t make that color anymore” and “sounds like something a psycho would do” and “no that’s actually justified” and “plot twist he was like 38 when he broke the kid’s finger 😂” and “tbh still justified lol”

Then, Ed was back, shoving a cactus flowerpot toward the camera. Some seeds had geminated, and little sprouts had penetrated the top layer of soil.

“Look! They’re growing!” he exclaimed. He put that pot down and showed a second, and a third, and the fourth, pointing to individual sprouts in each pot. “All of them are growing!”

“They’re wonderful, Ed!”

He stared at the camera for a moment. “Do you think so?”

“Absolutely! Be sure not to water them just yet, I would say.”

Ed was fiddling a bit with one of the pots on his desk. “Yeah.”

“So, Ed, how has reading for the book club been going? There are a couple more weeks until we meet.”

Ed sighed. “I’m holding out for a happy ending,” he said. “But as for the rest of my thoughts, you’ll have to find out.”

Stede was about to joke about Ed using his own words against him until Ed stuck his tongue out and revealed a tongue piercing. Stede almost dropped the phone. There was something so…so…Stede couldn’t even figure out the end of his own thought. There was something so. That was the thought. Nothing existed beyond it.

He hadn’t realized how long he’d been silent until Ed said, “Stede?”

“You have a tongue piercing.” Apparently, that was the only thing Stede could say because his mind was not moving beyond it. This must have been important to Ed’s viewers because the chat was going lightning fast again.

Ed stuck his tongue out again, but very slowly. “Yeah, I do.” Then he grinned like he’d caught Stede’s hand in the cookie jar. “Do you like it?”

“Yes,” Stede breathed into the phone.

“What are you doing?” Lucius was suddenly over his shoulder and Stede yipped into the phone, causing Ed to jump two seconds later when the stream caught up.

“Nothing!” Stede said defensively.

Lucius grabbed the phone. “Hi, Ed. Stede has to go now because it’s time for lunch. Say bye bye.”

Stede snatched the phone back. “Go away, Lucius. Oh, I’m sorry, Ed.”

Ed was laughing. “No, it’s all right, mate. Go have lunch. And maybe…maybe we’ll see you on here soon. And if not, well. I’ll see you next Saturday, yeah?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” His smile was delayed on the screen, but Stede could hear it in his voice.

“All right, then. I’ll…see you soon! Goodbye, Ed.”

“Goodbye, Stede.”

Lucius took the phone and hung it up and then pulled Stede away from the computer to close the browser. “Okay, we are going outside, away from computers, and you’re buying me lunch because you can afford it and because I deserve it. Besides, I need to spend the next hour complaining about Mr. Cuntington because he was being a cunt again. And not the good kind, either.”

“You mean Mr. Huntington?”

“That’s what I said.”

“No, you said—”

“Out there he’s Mr. Huntington, in here and over the lunch that you’re buying me he’s Mr. Cuntington. Let’s go!”

Chapter Text

After work on Tuesday, Stede was at the Lego store, close to hyperventilation levels of overwhelm because of the immense sea of Lego sets to choose from. He had come to purchase Alma’s end-of-school-year gift, thinking it would be much simpler here than at a general toy store where he would be overwhelmed by the extensive array of all toys. He hadn’t expected a store dedicated to one type of toy would be worse. But he realized he ought to have realized that before, since apparently there were so many Legos that they spilled out of a general store and into their own veritable mall.

Stede: Mary!
Mary 👩‍🎨: Stede!
Mary 👩‍🎨: Why are you texting instead of calling? 🤨
Stede: Bad habit I picked up from Lucius.
Stede: You know how they say Millennials ruin everything? Spending time with Lucius has proved to me that this statement is not wrong.
Mary 👩‍🎨: I don’t know. Lucius seems like a lot of fun
Stede: I WON’T tell him you said that
Mary 👩‍🎨: 😂
Stede: Also, I will probably be sending you loads of photos of toys in t minus 10 seconds.
Mary 👩‍🎨: …? Why are you sending me photos of toys?
Stede: Right, well…I’m at the Lego store because I thought it would be easier to find Alma’s gift here than going to Toys R Us, but it’s harder!
Mary 👩‍🎨: Harder?
Stede: Yes, there is an ungodly amount of Lego sets. We didn’t have this many when we were children
Mary 👩‍🎨: Your parents didn’t let you play with Legos 🤨
Stede: Maybe they were on to something. Have you ever stepped on one???
Stede: Oh Mary, there is a HUGE Lego dragon taking up the whole store. 🐉.
Stede: I asked them how much it costs, but they said they don’t actually sell it.
Stede: Not that I would have bought it. But, I was curious.
Stede: Alma would be able to build it, I bet.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Noooooo don’t give her ideas 🤣🤣🤣
Stede: Indeed not. We would be stepping on those evil blocks for the rest of our lives.
Stede: So, there are these lovely sets she might like. Big ones, but I don’t think they would be too hard or too dangerous.
Stede: And yes, I do see the ages on the box, but I supposed that with our supervision it would be all right?
Stede: Also, I think 18+ as an age minimum for some of these is rather silly. I am sure 14 year olds could easily make these without too much trouble.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Wow those are a lot of sets
Mary 👩‍🎨: Are you spiraling? Should I call an ambulance?
Stede: Maybe have one on standby.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Ok I think the ones we can ask her to choose from are the Bowser and Castle Nocturnia
Mary 👩‍🎨: Awwwww the lighthouse!
Stede: 🥰.
Stede: Do you want that one? 🤣.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Well, our anniversary IS coming up soon…👀
Stede: We can get little husband and wife Lego people and reenact the fateful day. 🤣👰🤵.
Mary 👩‍🎨: It only works if you get grave markers to go with it 💀💀
Stede: Oh God. Well, at least we’re set??
Stede: They can be quite expensive.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Alma is screaming about Bowser, so that’s the one
Stede: Great.
Stede: Listen, there’s a ship one, too. Although, I worry about the pieces being too small. We don’t want to go to the hospital to extract Legos from noses, but I thought to ask you what you think.
Mary 👩‍🎨: No, you’re definitely right! So…you’ll have to go to the toy store anyway 😬
Stede: Ah it’s all right. At least I know my way around there. Far less intimidating than here.
Stede: And while I’m out buying things, do you need me to stop by the craft store for any painting supplies?
Mary 👩‍🎨: Actually yes………
Mary 👩‍🎨: Doug is doing lessons with painting knives, and I don’t have any in my kit
Stede: Who’s Doug?
Mary 👩‍🎨: My painting teacher? Who gives me lessons AT HOME every Saturday?
Stede: Oh right. Well, you sent me out of the house on Saturdays so I’ve forgotten. 😂.
Mary 👩‍🎨: 🙄
Mary 👩‍🎨: So. Painting knives. So I can stab you with them 😑
Stede: 😱.
Stede: No, don’t! I have a family!
Mary 👩‍🎨: Oh, and another tube of phthalo blue
Stede: That’s…a color or medicinal cream?
Mary 👩‍🎨: Very funny. I bet you’d know all about it if you had a shirt that color
Stede: Hmmm, well, I could track some down. Can’t say I have any phthalo blue shirts and you know how much I love a good rainbow. 🌈.
Stede: Okay. Bowser, lighthouse 😍, model ship, paint knives, phthalo blue. Need any blueberries?
Mary 👩‍🎨: I am so going to stab you with those paint knives 😑
Stede: 😂. Be home soon. 😘.
Mary 👩‍🎨: 🙂

Sighing cheerfully, Stede dropped his phone in his pocket. He always enjoyed when he and Mary had playful chats. Usually, it happened more through text messaging. He supposed it was the ability to use emojis to add color to the messages and better convey tone, since he wasn’t always quick when it came to jokes. Having been made fun of all his life, it was difficult to know when the ribbing was playful or whether it had some underlying maliciousness. As Stede was collecting the Lego set boxes, something on the end cap of the opposite shelves caught his eye. It was a little keychain with a Lego person dressed as a cactus. Immediately, he thought of Ed, and how much he would likely enjoy such a silly small thing. Something told Stede that Ed had had scant silly small things in his life, and that was why he seemed so excited about them when Stede shared them with him. He added it to his checkout items, and when it came time to pack them in his car, he put the keychain in his work bag.

Next, he made a much quicker perusal at the toy store, where their model boat collection was much more humble and less overwhelming than the selection of toys at the Lego store. He picked up a rather exciting pirate one, making sure the small parts wouldn’t be too concerning for a six year old. Last, he made a trek to the hobby store, and quadruple checked Mary’s messages to make sure he caught everything. He even asked a worker to help him find the best brands of the items so she wouldn’t have cause to question the quality.

At the checkout counter, while waiting in line behind a woman who seemed to be buying the entire yarn collection, Stede found an array of sticker sheets. Again, he thought of Ed and the sticker that had brought him so much joy. There were smiley face ones, unicorn ones, sports ones, but the ones that he knew without any further question that Ed would appreciate most were the ones with motivational words and phrases.

Believe in yourself!
You are enough!
You are amazing!
Keep going!
Never forget how capable you are!
Never give up!
I can and I will!
Fearless!
It’s never too late!

You are loved!

Stede grinned and pulled it off the hook. It was only $2, but he felt it was the most valuable of all the items he had purchased. This, too, he slipped into his work bag. He’d never been so impatient for a Saturday. When he arrived home, there was a buzz of joy in the air, and the children were soon screaming and running around in their excitement. It was a school night, but he knew he and Mary would not be able to get them to bed at their usual hour because they were bouncing off the walls now. Stede reminded them they would not open them until the school year was over. Mary was excited about her Lego lighthouse and deemed it a good and fun project to do together. She even pretended to stab him with her painting knives after he kissed her on the cheek. After the children were finally asleep close to 11pm, Mary and Stede went to their respective bedrooms. Once showered and his skincare routine complete, Stede slunk into his pajamas and looked at the stickers and keychain he’d gotten Ed. Finally returning them to a safe pocket in his work bag, Stede slipped under the covers and stared at the ceiling, imagining Ed’s smile before he finally dropped off to sleep.

Stede was bouncing on his toes, trying to exercise away his excitement without drawing too much attention to himself. He had avoided Ed’s livestreams the entire week lest he give away the surprise he was going to spring on Ed when he came in today. Naturally, Lucius was far too observant.

“What are you up to, Stede?” he asked with a touch of boredom.

“Who says I’m up to anything?”

“I’m saying it. Right now.”

Stede couldn’t stop the smile that was spreading across his face. “You’ll have to wait and see!”

After the library opened, Stede periodically looked at his watch, then the clock on the computer, then the clock on the wall, just to be sure all of them were keeping the same time and telling him that the library was indeed open. The patrons filtering in occasionally were not enough of a clue that that was the case. At 9:32am, Ed opened the glass door and approached the reference desk. Stede leaped from his chair, grinning broadly, and not caring that Lucius hummed with interest. He was too busy admiring the familiar shape of Ed, back, happily, in his leather pants, with his leather jacket hanging over one arm. His hair was in a ponytail, like in the unboxing livestream, and it was marvelous to witness in person. It swayed hypnotically back and forth as he walked.

“Really working hard today, I see. With the ponytail” Lucius said dryly.

“Morning,” Ed greeting them in a husky voice, raking his fingers through his ponytail and winking at Lucius.

“Ew,” Lucius said, but he smirked anyway.

“Ed! Good morning!” Stede cried brightly.

“You’re very sunny, today, Stede,” Ed told him, leaning on the desk and resting his chin on both hands.

Stede looked down at his outfit and tugged on his golden yellow pullover sweater that he wore over a smart cream shirt whose starched collar peeked over the neck of the sweater. His trousers were a brown plaid tweed, and his outfit culminated with brazen, bordering on scandalous, burgundy Oxfords that picked out the understated red lines of the plaid. He was feeling rather zippy this morning. That seemed a proper description for his mood.

“It’s partly my shoes! They’re lending rather a bold flavor to my demeanor this morning.”

Ed looked down, but of course, Stede’s shoes were hidden away behind the counter. Happily believing that Ed had appreciated his shoes, he swayed back and forth from toes to heels. Ed gazed kindly at him while Lucius only wrinkled his face.

“Stede, why didn’t you join the chat this week?” Ed gave an exaggerated pout. “Everyone was asking where you were.”

“Oh, right, the chat was devastated, I’m sure,” Lucius said, rolling his eyes.

“Well, there is a reason, Ed. It was because I didn’t want to give away the surprise! I have something for you!”

Ed gasped and Lucius spun around in his chair. “Really?” they both asked in unison.

“Yes!” Stede exclaimed, pulling out an envelope from under the counter. “It’s a couple little somethings I picked up when I was buying end of school year gifts for Alma and Louis! Here go you. Open it!” He slid it across the counter to Ed and bounced on his toes again, silently clapping in gleeful anticipation.

Ed’s eyes grew wide as he gingerly took the envelope, and he opened it so carefully as though terrified of tearing the paper. First he pulled out the Lego cactus keychain and giggled, inspecting it from all angles and tenderly running his fingers over the surface.

“Stede, mate, this is the best thing I’ve ever seen! A Lego cactus, are you serious?”

Stede gestured to the envelope. “One more thing, Ed!”

He eyes grew wide again as though he couldn’t believe there would be two things inside, let alone one! He drew his breath slowly in wonder as he pulled the sticker out of the envelope. Believe in yourself! He said nothing as he stared at it in his hand, to the point where Stede began to panic that he’d done something wrong. Lucius, however, poked a box of Kleenex across the counter toward Ed, and that’s when Stede noticed his eyes were welling with tears.

“Fuck off, Lucius,” he choked almost inaudibly. At last, with a shuddering breath, he raised his eyes to Stede. “I’ve changed my mind. This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, I told you you would get a sticker every time you came to the library.”

“I thought it was only if I came to the book club?”

“I’ve changed the rules! I told you, these shoes made me rather bold today!”

Again, Ed looked down at Stede’s shoes that he couldn’t see.

“I chose this one,” Stede continued, “because you seemed trepidatious about your gardening journey, and I just wanted to give you some encouragement.”

Ed bit his lip and asked shyly with his eyes lowered. “Will you put it on me like last time?”

“Wow,” Lucius snarked.

“It would be my pleasure. I’ll come around the other side.” And off Stede went, circling around the desk. He took the sticker and peeled it off the paper, looking up—as Ed was just a hair or two taller—to ask silently if he might press it onto Ed’s shirt. Ed gave the faintest of nods and watched with eyes the size of saucers as Stede placed the sticker with precise alignment over his heart and patted it into place.

“There you go,” Stede said softly, stepping back to admire his work.

Ed touched it, brushing a finger over the words, Believe in yourself! Then, looking down at Stede’s shoes, he said, “I’m glad you wore those shoes today.”

Chapter Text

Stede was enchanted to learn that the prizes older children in Plant Club received for completing books on the book list were not cheap baubles after all, but miniature cottages and related bits that the children were meant to paint in order to create a fairy garden. With the first book, Alma received a square-shaped flower box and the first item was a small cottage. She had not yet painted it, following Stede and Mary’s advice to wait until they’ve gotten some seeds going at Plant Club along with a couple other bits to add before building the container garden.

The children worked together with the 4H Club volunteers to thin their seedlings so their more robust plants could continue growing. Soon, each had a few marigolds and snapdragons and were ready to plant them. When they returned home from the library late Sunday morning, and after having lunch, Mary brought out some acrylic paints and cheap paintbrushes so that Alma could begin painting her little house and accessories. They had Louis find some good rocks in the park so he could paint those—it was necessary to avoid a temper tantrum over Alma having something extra to add to her garden.

After their things were painted and left to dry, Stede and Mary helped them to transfer their burgeoning flowers into their respective containers, and then let then gently add their garden accessories. It took the better part of the day, and while Stede set to cooking dinner, Mary helped the children wash up. Mary was certainly a better cook, but Stede was able to make a mean baked salmon fillet, and he knew his way around buttery garlic mashed potatoes. Asparagus tips added a delightful burst of green. He was just sprinkling one last dash of salt like a head chef at a Michelin star restaurant when Mary wandered in, laughing at him bent over each dish.

“You look like a mad scientist like that.”

“Yes, it’s actually rat poison, Mary. You’ve caught me.”

“Wine?”

Stede took stock of his fine dinner. “Hmmm. How about that cheeky Malbec we got from Mrs. Farthing for Easter.”

“Oh cheeky, huh? Do you think that’s too scandalous for a Sunday?”

“Certainly not,” Stede huffed. “It was meant for Easter after all.” He insisted on opening it himself and left Mary to bring the meals to the table, where the children complained about the fish and asparagus but scarfed it down like they were starving, especially after mention of chocolate mousse for dessert.

After they were put to bed, Stede and Mary parted ways with a “Well that was a full day” and “I’m definitely knackered.” Stede carried out his nightly routine, but instead of falling into bed, he fell into his office chair and opened his laptop. He felt startlingly nervous as he clicked the bookmark linked to Ed’s Twitch channel. He will have been playing for a couple hours by now, and Stede hoped he wouldn’t be too much of a distraction popping in this far into his stream. But after the ad concluded, and Ed was laughing in the top right corner after obliterating an enemy that exploded into bits, Stede felt peaceful, like coming home.

stede: Hi, Ed!
stede: It appears I’ve arrived just in time to celebrate you massacring a scoundrel and painting my screen red with blood.
stede: It felt a bit like watching that horror film, Carrie.

“Stede!” Ed exclaimed with an unexpected joy. He waved at the camera.

Stede waved back at him.

stede: Oh dear, I just waved back at you but of course you didn’t see.
stede: Let me find the waving emoji.
stede: One second.
stede: 👋.
stede: I think that’s the one?

Ed laughed, shaking his head at the silliness. “That’s the one, mate.”

Stede adjusted his glasses to read what mayhem he inspired in the chat. He found he was rather pleased with himself that he got them all in a tizzy every time he appeared. It certainly boosted his confidence. More to that point, they appreciated him as himself. They liked him. He wasn’t used to people liking him, and it felt good. He was thrilled to see a long line of direct greetings, many @stedes and lots of waving emojis with periods at the end.

Chat: “can someone find out if he has an open marriage? Because I’ve never wanted to fuck someone more than this person” and “I don’t understand how emojis with periods are DOING IT FOR ME” and “I’m so glad he’s back! I missed this ridiculous man” and “is no one going to talk about how he said he waved at the camera and then wrote a whole conversation about finding the emoji?” and “if we talk about it we will die” and “we have to stay safe, man” and “I’m a girl” and “tits or gtfo” and “wow 2008 wants its comment back 🙄” and “the only tits we want are @stede’s” and “that’s…very true” and “I love that bb calls him mate as if he doesn’t want to call him BABE” and “I have faith 😇.” and “srsly guys pls remember that he is married” and “calm down where just kidding” and “*we’re” and “fuck you I only accept grammar lessons from @stede”

Stede still didn’t care for the comments about his marriage, but simply chose not to address them because he understood this was good ribbing, internet-style. He was proud to be learning! He chuckled to himself, thinking about what to say next.

stede: So, Ed. Did you add your sticker to your refrigerator with the rest of your collection?
stede: 😏.

He immediately started panicking. What if that was too personal?

stede: I hope that was all right to ask…
stede: Oh, I’m sorry if it wasn’t!
stede: It’s the Malbec I had with dinner speaking.
stede: Please forgive me.

Chat: “what does 😏 mean??????????” and “sticker???? BB what sticker?” and “the lore keeps dropping” and “wtf what do you mean sticker?” and “BB has a sticker collection on his refrigerator 💀” and “BB forgive the bean, he’s just a bean!” and “he is an angel 😇 don’t be mad he told us about your FUCKING STICKERS HELLOOOOOOO” and “wtf is a malbec?” and “I think it’s a type of fish?” and “idk I’m googling it right now” and “it’s wine traditionally from Argentina” and “he’s so fancy” and “dude imports wine from argentina? dayum” and “via private jet lmao” and “you can literally buy it from any store”

Ed paused the game and hung his head while he laughed. “Thanks for that, Stede. Actually, no. I got a sticker book for them.” He reached forward, somewhere on his desk, and produced a little book, opening it to the page where there were two stickers and putting it in front of the camera.

Chat: “I’m seriously going to die over this” and “I’m a cat because I’ve died so many times on this channel” and “wait a minute, are these stickers FROM @stede?????”

“Yeah he gives me stickers every time I come to the library. So I’ll be getting one this week when I go to the book club.” He picked up his energy drink to take a sip.

stede: You’ll only get one if you’ve been a good boy and completed your reading!

Ed spit his drink out and nearly dropped the can. “Izzy bring me fucking napkins, quick!”

Chat: “I don’t fucking believe it” and “yep praise kink confirmed” and “brain is melting from my ears” and “no fucking way” and “I CANNOT” and “I just came” and “this is the beginning of a porn” and “it has to be because it can’t be real”

Izzy’s hand appeared with paper towels and Ed set to wiping his face, clothes, and desk. “Fuck, now I’m going to be all sticky.” His mouth dropped open, realizing what he said, and he looked at the camera, then up at Izzy, then at the chat, absolutely horror-stricken.

Chat: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” and “LMAOOOO” and “this is solid gold” and “someone clip that 😂” and “excuse me, STICKY?” and “nooo BB baby what have you done??” and “BB is fighting for his life” and “did you see his soul leave his body? 🤣” and “un-fucking-real” and “this gets better and better” and “you can’t make this shit up 😂” and “💀💀💀”

“Edward, just play the fucking game,” Izzy said, his hand appearing again as he took the used paper towels.

Ed raked his hands down his face and resumed the game, saying nothing further for a full minute, throwing furtive glances at the chat.

stede: Shall we blame the Malbec for that too, Ed?
stede: I called it cheeky earlier to Mary.
stede: I think that was the correct assessment.
stede: We got it for Easter.
stede: So good, it resurrected Christ! 🧟‍♂️.
stede: Ha, ha.
stede: 😂.
stede: Oh dear, that was blasphemous, wasn’t it?
stede: Many apologies again.
stede: I think its bedtime for me.
stede: it’s! Pardon the mistake there.

“Yeah, Stede. We’ll blame the Malbec,” Ed said, smiling again, but shyly, flicking his eyes at the camera before returning them to his game. “And don’t worry. I’m almost done with the book.”

stede: I never doubted you for an instant.
stede: I believe in you! 😉.

Chat: “TOO PURE for this world” and “look at him 🤣 BB is s t r u g g l i n g” and “I’m still laughing at izzy telling him to just play the fucking game 🤣” and “izzy is tired 😂” and “wtf lololol the wine resurrected jesus” and “the fucking ZOMBIE emoji omg I’m literally crying 🤣” and “🧟‍♂️.” and “if it was anyone else he would be going to hell but he is too much of an angel 😇” and “he transgressed with the wrong it’s 😂” and “cheeky malbec? are we still talking about wine?? 🤨” and “bedtime for drunk @stede 😂” and “@stede version of drunk texting omg” and “every time he uses any emoji I can only see innuendo” and “everything has a secret meaning. one day we will unlock all truths”

stede: Good night, Ed. 😊.

Ed paused the game again and gave a small smile to the camera. “Good night, Stede.”

He plodded off to bed, and just as he drew his bedsheets up to his chin, his phone pinged!

Lucius: Pete said you made Ed sticky?
Lucius: I’m going to need a full report tomorrow morning
Lucius: After I’ve had my coffee

Throughout the week, Stede left Ed’s livestream on in the background while he worked at the office. He felt a little embarrassed for having gone into the chat a little buzzed and worried that he had upset Ed because of it, since he had gone rather quiet at the end. Again, he made his presence known, but only lurked, to make sure he didn’t cause anything else untoward enough to derail Ed’s work. After all, it was his job, his livelihood to play these games, and to play them well. And if he didn’t, well, he could face a significant blow to his finances. Stede would feel terribly if he caused the loss of even one follower simply for interacting in the chat.

Though he wished to participate in the chat for the chance to converse with Ed, to hear him call him by name, to see the smile that Stede brought to his face, maybe even one of those wicked winks he liked to surprise him with, Stede just watched silently from time to time when he wanted to rest his eyes on something else. He had to quickly press the mute button on his keyboard when one of the Badmintons stopped by to be their obnoxious selves because he could only imagine how awful it would turn out if they noticed what he was watching. It would give them something else to torment him about. He would not be embarrassed for them to see he was watching Ed on a livestream, but he knew they would likely say terrible things about Ed himself, and already Stede was only just, by the grace of God, managing to hold in check his desire to smash his fist into their very punchable faces.

He practically skipped into the library Saturday morning, but of course with modesty because he was already feeling salacious in his blue jeans that he did not often wear. But he couldn’t deny that today was absolutely a blue jeans day. It was the right kind of weather and the right kind of mood. He was going to give Ed a third sticker and they would be talking together about their first book. Such events paired together were best experienced with a deceptively casual pair of jeans. The fabric said casual but the cut said…what did it say? He needed a good word.

“Well, don’t you look slutty today,” Lucius said, giving him a once over as he sat at his station.

“Excuse me?” Stede asked, startled.

“Your jeans. Your calves are practically bursting out of them. It’s very slutty.”

Stede gulped. “I thought I looked casual. And—and—”

“Slutty.” Lucius finished.

“Should I go home and change?” Stede asked, stretching out each leg in turn.

“Don’t you dare!” Lucius exclaimed, his eyes nearly popping from their sockets in their intensity. “I’d unbutton that second button, too, if I were you.”

Instead, Stede gripped the collar of his shirt closed. He’d already thought the light shade of turquoise with the top button unbuttoned was pushing it, but the second? Surely that was far too immodest for a Saturday morning at the library.

Lucius reached over to do it himself, and Stede batted his hands away. Then, they descended into a war of Lucius trying to access his buttons while Stede tried to hold him at bay.

“Morning,” came Ed’s voice. “Am I interrupting something?”

Stede whirled around and practically shouted, “Ed!” Lucius took the moment of distraction to yank the button free. Yelping, Stede quickly held his shirt closed while Ed observed intently, biting his lower lip.

“Fine!” Lucius said, throwing his hands in the air. “Carry on being only half-slutty instead of committing to it, see if I care.”

Stede quickly rebuttoned both buttons, shooting daggers from his eyes at Lucius. “Honestly.”

“He’s right,” Ed said, almost breathlessly. “Two buttons undone. Yeah.”

“Oh?” Stede asked brightly, immediately unbuttoning both again and pulling the shirt open, revealing a few strands of coppery gold chest hair. “Like this?” Stede asked. Ed was not looking but was nodding slowly.

“Oh my God,” Lucius muttered. He was facing his computer but still couldn’t hide miming that he was vomiting.

“Well, Ed! How will you spend your time waiting for the book club to start? Did you bring your coloring book back?”

“Coloring book,” Lucius grumbled.

Ed bashfully looked down at something he was holding out of view. “Well,” he began quietly. “I thought that maybe I’d give that Stitch n’ Bitch program a shot.” He shrugged casually, but Stede could see he was nervous about it.

“Ed, that’s wonderful! Ruthie will be so happy. Did you bring supplies? Because if not, they do offer beginner ones, like plastic needles and the like.”

“No, I brought some,” he said, producing a plastic grocery bag filled with a couple skeins of yarn and an array of knitting needles. “I had a friend go out and buy me some yarn because I knew I would freak out about what to choose. She ended up buying pretty much the whole store and I freaked out anyway—”

“Wait,” Stede cut him off. “This wasn’t last Tuesday by any chance, was it?”

“Yeah?”

Stede started laughing. “I think I was behind her in line! I found your stickers while I was waiting for her to finish checking out!”

Ed laughed with Stede about it. “Fuckin' hell, that’s amazing! Well, I told Izzy I was going to do this and that it’s two Saturdays a month, and that he’d have to change the schedule for the second Saturdays. He refused, but then I told him that I’ll knit him a scarf with this—” he pulled out a skein of variegated shades of pinks and grays “—unicorn yarn. That’s what it’s called. I knew I had him because he has a thing for unicorns. It’s, like, his biggest secret. Can’t resist them. All pink and purple and gold and white. He told me to fuck off and then changed the schedule.” Ed was laughing hysterically now. “What a crazy little bastard. So now I have to make sure I knit a really good one. Something so large and warm that it will swallow him right up. Make him melt like the guy in that Christmas movie.”

Stede squinted, running through Christmas movies in his mind. “Ah, the Winter Warlock from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town.”

“Yes!” Ed exclaimed, his eyes growing wide and filled with a twinkle that could outdo Santa Claus himself.

“What the fuck, Stede?” Lucius demanded, his face arranged in an incredulous expression. “How did you know that from him just saying ‘the guy in that Christmas movie’?”

Stede looked at him, confused. “Context clues and a mental library of Christmas movies. What exactly is it that they teach you in that school of yours?”

“Oh my God, you are the biggest bitch I have ever met in my life. I am dangerously close to not trying to help you anymore.”

“When have you ever helped me with anything?”

“I really hate you, you know?”

“No, you don’t” Stede said, exasperated.

Ed had been looking back and forth between them like watching a tennis match. “So, Stede, do you think I’ll be okay in there by myself?”

“Ummm. Well, you survived the book club. And I’m sure all the ladies are going to be so happy to take you under their wing.”

Behind Ed, Evelyn strode up like a hyena finding a very tasty freshly killed giraffe. She was tall and wearing burgundy ankle-length pants and a loose burgundy top a few shades lighter than the pants, and black flats. She had a full face of makeup and her hair perfectly blown out, looking rather like a retired 1940s starlet that was determined to hold on to her youth. “Who’s the stud?” she asked in a voice deepened by chain smoking since she was twelve—Stede thought, anyway, but he was certainly never going to tell her that, as he didn’t want her to cram an awl in his earhole. She would do it, he was convinced of this. Stede felt low levels of rage simmering when she played with Ed’s hair.

He gave her an easy smile. “I’m Ed.”

She looked him up and down, popping her hip and putting a hand on it. “Hi sweetie, I’m Evelyn.”

“He’s joining your program,” Lucius told her. “Stitch n’ Bitch, which really, Stede should join too, because he’s got the bitch part covered already.”

“Well, honey, if you’re not afraid of a few wolves, we’re thrilled to have you.” She winked at him. Looping an arm through his, she partly led, partly dragged him away, giving him only a second to grab his bag of supplies.

When the program ended, he retuned to the desk with an enormous smile on his face, after having escorted Ruthie like a true gentleman to the front door of the library with a “See you this afternoon!”

“Ed! How did it go?” Stede asked.

The excitement in his eyes was charming. “They’re so nice! And look, they taught me how to do some basic stitches. This is going to take forever because I’m so slow and I keep getting it wrong, but Ruthie was right! I just needed a good teacher. I also found out that there’s a whole lot of sex happening at senior homes. Never would have expected that, but yeah, I can see that. Why not, eh? What else is there to do? There are like fifteen love triangles going on, and wow they really do know how to bitch. The shit they say about people is downright diabolical, man. It was fantastic.”

“That’s…” Stede grimaced. “Wow. Something I could have done with not knowing.”

“Those are some wild ladies, Stede. They told me they cool it in your book club because they think that you’re kinda, I dunno, like…sensitive about it all.”

Lucius let out the biggest snort he could muster when he heard that, and Stede shot him a dirty look. “What do you mean sensitive?”

Ed kicked the floor with the toes of his boots. “Prudish, I guess.”

“Not in those jeans,” Lucius mumbled only just loud enough for them to hear but quiet enough for them not to catch it.

Stede felt a bit miffed, but also they weren’t wrong. “I mean, I like to show a modicum of decorum. I think that’s only appropriate, particularly in mixed company, and even more particularly when they’re old enough to be my mother! Grandmother, even!”

“Oh,” Ed said shyly. “They didn’t seem to mind me talking about it.”

“Talking about what?” Lucius asked, turning to Ed and resting his elbows on the counter and his chin in his hands.

“You know,” Ed replied, not raising his eyes.

“I don’t. Please tell us,” Lucius teased.

Stede’s heart started racing. Sex. Ed talked to them about sex. His experience with sex. Stede startled himself by wanting to know both everything and nothing. He vaguely remembered people in Ed's live chats alluding to him having had many partners, including one who lied about Ed being bad in bed because he was angry Ed “hit it and quit it,” which Stede took to mean perhaps they had had one date which culminated, possibly, probably?, with a night of passion. Somehow, he hadn’t thought of these details until this moment, probably because Ed himself had never said anything. But now he wanted Ed to say something. But he didn’t want Ed to say something in front of Lucius.

“Never mind, Lucius,” Stede said sharply, with a confidence he didn’t actually feel. He’d never been a better actor in his life. But Ed finally raised his head and Stede saw he was blushing. His cheeks were a pink that Stede had never seen on him before. It looked nice.

At noon, Evelyn came out to the desk to cover Lucius and Stede’s lunch break, and Stede invited Ed to have lunch with him at a sandwich place across the street. Ed seemed uncharacteristically quiet, and failed to make eye contact with Stede on many occasions.

“Ed, I hope Lucius’s nosiness didn’t upset you.”

Ed shrugged. “No, no, mate. All fine.” But it was not fine, because he was still quiet. The silence, for the first time was awkward between them. At last, Ed said, “Hey, I hope all that talk didn’t offend you, man. I mean, it’s not my business, you know? I feel kinda bad they said that stuff to me about you. I don’t want you to think I was in there talkin’ shit about you. You know, I…I like you Stede, yeah? I respect you.”

“Oh, Ed, you needn’t worry! I never considered you intended anything malicious. I was more concerned that you were put in a position where you felt uncomfortable, talking about…well, you know.”

“Sex,” Ed said breathlessly.

Stede choked a little on his bread and drank some water. “Yeah…uh…that. Sorry, the bread is quite dry, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he answered. “Maybe we need some more water over here.”

Silence resumed between them and Stede worked very hard to erase the way Ed said “sex” from his mind. He thought of the dirty menu on the table, the missing letter on the sign for toilets, the cashier’s snaggle tooth. But every time he saw those big brown eyes looking at him like a puppy wanting food from his master’s table, his mind went right back there again. What was it like for Ed? Because for Stede it had never been anything that he particularly enjoyed. It seemed like it was supposed to be an anomaly not to enjoy it. Did Ed enjoy it? He was certain that Ed must. Surely he was not in want of partners, admirers. Did he have a type? How did it work? Well, Stede had an idea of that, he supposed, from the books that Lucius assigned in his book club. But how did it work with Ed? He could only picture Ed as he was now, dressed in black, with that silvery flow of hair, tattoos, a tongue piercing. He looked at Ed’s mouth, searching for that piercing, and there it was! A small glint of metal when Ed’s lips parted with a tiny gasp. Stede raised his eyes to see Ed looking back with a twinge of…fear? But why? He looked at his mouth again, saw his tongue dart out to wet his lips.

Shuddering, he turned his attention to the empty wrappings of his lunch. “Should we head back?”

Ed inhaled deeply and said, “I need to use the bathroom first. Splash some cold water on my face.”

“Oh,” Stede said, confused about why Ed would need that. “I’ll wait here for you then.”

They walked back to the library in silence. Ed sat quietly in a chair and paged through the book like he was studying for school. Stede noticed the book was marked with several post-it notes, and it warmed him to see that Ed was taking the book discussion so seriously as to prepare actual notes. At the book club itself, Stede watched again as Ed filled his cup with tea, a splash of milk, and seven packets of sugar. He easily chatted with the ladies, teasing them as well as they teased him. While the other book club members went on about film adaptations, Ed asked questions about themes in the book, and provided anecdotal references in the discussion on societal expectations with regard to love. For once, the ladies engaged in the relevant discussion, gave advice and encouragement, contributed their own life experiences in lost love, love long awaited, and the perils of women’s circumstances before their right to financial independence. There were actual tears shed at one point. Stede marveled at how Ed’s charm managed to drag everyone onto the same metaphorical page to tie the 19^th century experience in with modernity, where even Stede was seeing Persuasion in new, unexpected ways. It was easily the best book discussion Stede had ever experienced in his entire life. He looked forward to the next book discussion and handed out next month’s book, Far From the Madding Crowd, with renewed excitement.

At the end, after everyone had gone and only Ed and Stede were in the room, Ed helped clean up the used cups and napkins, and packed away the treats that Stede insisted Ed take home.

“What’s this next book about?” Ed asked, flipping through the pages.

“Ah, well, it’s kind of like a love triangle, like the ladies in your knitting group talked about. More like a love prism, I suppose. Three men, one woman. They all want her, and she’s a very strong woman. Owns her own farm, very good at business. Many people mistake it as a book about feminism, but it’s actually about masculinity. Very fascinating look at it. And another story about waiting for love, but it has to be earned through mutual respect.”

“Is it a happy ending?”

“You’ll have to find out,” Stede said with a smile.

“So? Have I earned my sticker?”

Stede grinned, picking up his book and pulling out the sticker he had tucked away in it. “Would you like me to put it on you again, or do you want to save it for your sticker book?”

“Put it on me. Please.”

Stede peeled it off the paper, put it in its proper place right over Ed’s heart, and smoothed it gently onto his shirt. You’re amazing! “It’s true, you know. You are amazing. I’ve never had a book discussion go that spectacularly, not even in university.” He looked up and found himself transfixed by Ed’s intense gaze.

“Give me your phone,” Ed said, his voice low like the rumble of thunder. “And unlock it.”

“Oh…” Stede said, taking his phone from the table where he’d left it to keep track of time. He unlocked it and handed it over. Ed typed something in it, locked it again, and handed it back to Stede.

“Hey,” Ed said, collecting Stede’s attention again. “I’ll see you…wherever I’ll see you.” Then, he winked and left.

Stede unlocked his phone to see what Ed had done. It was open to his text messages. A new contact: Ed 🌵. It showed that Stede had sent a message to the new number.

Stede: Text me later.
Stede: 😊.

Chapter Text

Ed 🌵.: Who is this? 🤨
Stede: Ed!
Stede: Oh, um. It’s Stede Bonnet? From the library.
Stede: Sorry, I thought you knew.
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, of course bro. I’m teasing you 🤭
Stede: Oh! Ha, ha. Very clever.
Stede: Hi, Ed!
Stede: ✋.
Stede: Oops!
Stede: 👋.
Stede: 🤣.
Ed 🌵.: You are so silly 🤪
Ed 🌵.: Hi Stede 😊
Ed 🌵.: Really glad to have your number
Ed 🌵.: Now I get to annoy you at all hours 👹
Ed 🌵.: And find you when you don’t join my live chat 🥺
Stede: I’m so glad to have your number, too!
Stede: I get so worried about entering your chat because I always cause trouble.
Ed 🌵.: I love trouble. I AM trouble 😈
Stede: But the time with the wine. I think maybe I upset you?
Ed 🌵.: Why would you think that?!
Stede: Well, because I noticed you became rather quiet afterward. I hope I did not offend you. 🙁.
Ed 🌵.: No you didn’t offend me!
Ed 🌵.: Impossible 😉
Ed 🌵.: I sometimes have to just let the chat run their course
Ed 🌵.: They get a little thirsty, in case you haven’t noticed 😂
Stede: Maybe because they always see you drinking something. 😊.
Ed 🌵.: No, thirsty, like the slang
Ed 🌵.: 😂😂😂
Ed 🌵.: Fuck you’re so silly
Stede: I don’t know this word, then.
Ed 🌵.: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh 😱
Ed 🌵.: Horny
Ed 🌵.: You know that one?
Stede: That one I know.
Ed 🌵.: 😏
Ed 🌵.: Oh, hey, I’m sorry. It’s super late right now
Ed 🌵.: I forgot you’re a real adult person and you are probably getting ready for bed
Ed 🌵.: Kids and wife and all that
Stede: Actually, I’m in bed right now.
Ed 🌵.: Oh fuck I’m sorry
Ed 🌵.: Hope Mary’s not mad about you having your phone lighting up the room
Stede: No need to worry about that. We sleep in separate rooms.

[Ed 🌵.: typing – stop – typing – stop – typing]  

Ed 🌵.: You do?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: Oh
Ed 🌵.: Heh, what do you snore or something?
Stede: No, we just thought it was for the best.
Ed 🌵.: Oh

[Ed 🌵 .: typing – stop – typing – stop – typing]  

Ed 🌵.: Is that a new thing?
Stede: It’s an old thing, actually. After Louis was born, it just sort of went that way and never went back the other way.

[Ed 🌵 .: typing – stop – typing – stop – typing]  

Ed 🌵.: So, like, after sex you just go to different rooms?
Stede: That’s…no longer a problem.
Ed 🌵.: ??
Stede: We don’t do that anymore.
Ed 🌵.: Do what anymore? Not sure I understand
Stede: That.
Ed 🌵.: Sex?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: Oh

[Ed 🌵 .: typing – stop – typing – stop – typing]

Ed 🌵.: Like, you mean you haven’t done that recently? Or…?
Stede: Not since we learned that Louis was conceived.
Ed 🌵.: Wait, but Louis is 6yo, right?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: Stede, you haven’t…that…in 6 years?
Stede: Closer to 7 years, since, you know, pregnancy take a while. Heh.

[Ed 🌵 .: typing – stop – typing – stop – typing]

Ed 🌵.: But, like, what do you do then?
Stede: What do I do?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, you know.
Ed 🌵.: If you’re not having sex, like what are you doing to, like…you know
Stede: I don’t know.
Ed 🌵.: Relieve the tension, I mean
Ed 🌵.: Just, like
Ed 🌵.: With your hand?
Stede: Not really.
Stede: Maybe a few times a year it happens.

[Ed 🌵 .: typing – stop – typing – stop – typing]

Ed 🌵.: A few times a year?
Ed 🌵.: It…happens?
Stede: Yes. It’s never really been a problem. Maybe as a teenager. Hormones being what they are.
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, hormones
Ed 🌵.: I guess I still have a problem with those 😂
Stede: What about you? You’re not married, so what do you do?
Ed 🌵.: Mate, I go out and get laid 😂
Stede: Just like that?
Ed 🌵.: Just like that
Stede: I suppose it’s easy for you.
Ed 🌵.: How do you mean?
Stede: Well, just the way you look and all.
Ed 🌵.: How do I look, Stede?
Stede: Ed, surely you don’t need me to answer that.
Ed 🌵.: I definitely do
Stede: Well. You’re quite striking, aren’t you? Very cool with the hair and the beard and the leather, and the earrings, and the tongue piercing, and the tattoos.
Ed 🌵.: You really like this tongue piercing, don’t you?
Stede: Yes.
Stede: Is that bad?
Ed 🌵.: Why would it be bad?
Stede: I’m not sure I’m allowed to like it.
Stede: I don’t know.
Ed 🌵.: You’re allowed to like anything, including my tongue piercing
Ed 🌵.: Would you like to see it now?
Ed 🌵.: I can send you a photo
Ed 🌵.: If you like
Ed 🌵.: You’re allowed to like
Stede: Yes.

[Ed 🌵 .: photo attachment]

Stede: Thank you
Ed 🌵.: You forgot the period at the end of your sentence 😏
Ed 🌵.: Distracted by my tongue piercing?
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: You forgot it again
Ed 🌵.: You’re rebelling against grammar now?
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: Why do you like my tongue piercing, Stede?
Stede: I don’t know.
Ed 🌵.: Yes you do
Ed 🌵.: You used a period again
Ed 🌵.: Afraid the grammar police will catch you?
Stede: Maybe.
Ed 🌵.: Would you like me to rescue you?
Stede: Maybe.
Ed 🌵.: Why do you like my tongue piercing, Stede?
Stede: It’s just so…I don’t know how to finish that sentence.
Ed 🌵.: Do you think it’s sexy?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: Do you think I’m sexy?
Stede: Ed?
Ed 🌵.: Yes?
Stede: I’m scared.
Ed 🌵.: Oh Stede, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone that far
Stede: I’m scared because it’s true.
Stede: And I don’t know what to do.
Ed 🌵.: I know what you can do
Stede: What?
Ed 🌵.: You’ve got to let it out, man
Ed 🌵.: It’s healthy
Ed 🌵.: It’s ok. You’re allowed to like it
Ed 🌵.: You’re allowed to just feel good
Stede: You mean…That?
Ed 🌵.: I mean That
Stede: Right now?
Ed 🌵.: Right now
Stede: I don’t think I can.
Ed 🌵.: Why not? Not hard yet?
Stede: Um.
Ed 🌵.: 😏
Stede: I don’t normally do this.
Stede: It doesn’t normally do this, I mean.
Ed 🌵.: You’ve gotta let it
Ed 🌵.: Get out of your head, yeah?
Ed 🌵.: Breathe into it
Stede: Are you?
Ed 🌵.: Am I what?
Stede: All of the things.
Ed 🌵.: You bet
Stede: Really?
Ed 🌵.: Mmhmm
Ed 🌵.: It feels good, Stede
Ed 🌵.: Why don’t we do it together, right now
Ed 🌵.: So you’re not alone
Ed 🌵.: So you don’t feel scared
Stede: How are you able to do this?
Ed 🌵.: I just do what I wanna do
Ed 🌵.: Don’t let anyone tell me it’s wrong
Stede: I don’t think I can.
Ed 🌵.: Look at my tongue piercing again
Ed 🌵.: Tell me how you feel when you see it
Ed 🌵.: Don’t think about it
Ed 🌵.: Just feel it
Ed 🌵.: Tell me
Stede: I don’t know how.
Ed 🌵.: It makes you hard, right?
Stede: Um.
Ed 🌵.: Answer the question properly
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: Missing the period again there 
Ed 🌵.: It makes you forget grammar
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: I like that about you. Forgetting periods because of my tongue
Ed 🌵.: You wanna touch that piercing, don’t you
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: How do you want to touch it?
Stede: I don’t understand
Ed 🌵.: You wanna put your fingers in my mouth
Ed 🌵.: Slide them inside and poke it, don’t you?
Stede: Is that something I can do? Do people do that?
Ed 🌵.: Yep
Ed 🌵.: Now that I’ve got you thinking about it, imagining it
Ed 🌵.: Do you like it? Imagining sliding your fingers into my mouth?
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: And you want me to suck on them, don’t you?
Ed 🌵.: Make them nice and sloppy
Stede: I don’t know
Ed 🌵.: Yes you do
Ed 🌵.: You want me on my knees, looking up at you, while you fill my mouth with your fingers, touching my piercing while I soak your fingers with my tongue
Ed 🌵.: Don’t you want that?
Stede: I think maybe
Ed 🌵.: Just maybe?
Ed 🌵.: And what if I groaned and moaned and screamed from the pleasure of it?
Ed 🌵.: Would you like that?
Stede: Oh my God, Ed
Stede: How are you able to say these things?
Ed 🌵.: Are you blushing?
Stede: I think so. My cheeks are hot.
Ed 🌵.: Oh I have to try harder. You’re using periods again. Can’t have that
Ed 🌵.: What else would you like to put in my mouth?
Stede: I don’t know?
Ed 🌵.: I want to know something, Stede
Stede: Okay?
Ed 🌵.: You’re on your bed, right?
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: Lying on your back?
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: Wearing blankets?
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: Take the blankets off. Can you do that for me?
Stede: Okay
Stede: They’re off.
Ed 🌵.: Are you wearing pjs?
Stede: Yes, of course. Don’t you?
Ed 🌵.: 😏
Ed 🌵.: Look down at your pj bottoms. What do you see?
Stede: What am I supposed to be looking for?
Ed 🌵.: Does 🍆 ring a bell?
Stede: Yes, I see that.
Ed 🌵.: Feeling a bit tight in the trousers?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: Take them off
Stede: Okay.
Stede: They’re off.
Ed 🌵.: You’re wearing undies, aren’t you?
Stede: Of course.
Ed 🌵.: So proper. You follow all the rules so nicely, Stede
Stede: Yeah.
Ed 🌵.: But remember your shoes? The ones that made you brave?
Ed 🌵.: Brave enough to break the rules?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: I liked those shoes a lot, Stede
Ed 🌵.: I like when Stede breaks the rules
Ed 🌵.: Gives me stickers on days that he’s not supposed to
Ed 🌵.: And who looks at my tongue piercing and wants me to suck on his fingers
Ed 🌵.: So you’re going to break more rules, aren’t you?
Ed 🌵.: Do you think you can try for me?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: Take off your undies
Stede: Okay
Stede: They’re off
Ed 🌵.: Good, we’re back to no periods
Ed 🌵.: I want you to try not to use periods anymore tonight, ok?
Ed 🌵.: We’re going to be so bad and not use periods
Ed 🌵.: You wanna be bad with me?
Stede: Oh God Ed, how do you come up with this?
Ed 🌵.: You’re still hard aren’t you?
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: And wet?
Stede: What do you mean?
Ed 🌵.: I mean your cock. Nice and wet on the tip, yes?
Stede: Yes
Stede: Oh my God
Ed 🌵.: mmmm
Ed 🌵.: I want you to touch it, the wetness
Ed 🌵.: Just so soft and gentle, like touching a pretty flower petal
Ed 🌵.: Touch the tip, put your finger right into the wetness
Ed 🌵.: Feel how slick it is
Ed 🌵.: How smooth
Ed 🌵.: You feeling that?
Stede: Oh my God
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: Feels good?
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: I want you to touch yourself now, Stede
Ed 🌵.: Just like a whisper, brush your fingers up your cock from your balls to your tip
Stede: Jesus Christ Ed
Ed 🌵.: So soft that it makes you shiver
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: Wrap your fingers around yourself
Ed 🌵.: Stroke yourself for me, Stede
Ed 🌵.: Feather soft, slow, so slow
Ed 🌵.: Up
Ed 🌵.: Down
Ed 🌵.: Up
Ed 🌵.: Down
Ed 🌵.: Like slow deep breaths
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: You’re still wet for me?
Stede: Yes
Ed 🌵.: Even more than before?
Stede: Fuck yes
Ed 🌵.: I like when you swear. Haven’t heard you say that one before
Ed 🌵.: Nice dirty mouth you’ve got
Stede: Not as dirty as yours, saying all these things
Ed 🌵.: I want you dripping for me, Stede
Ed 🌵.: Keep that slow stroking
Ed 🌵.: Think of my tongue piercing
Ed 🌵.: My mouth getting your fingers so wet
Ed 🌵.: Imagine what it can do to your cock
Ed 🌵.: So sloppy
Ed 🌵.: So filthy
Ed 🌵.: Drowning in it
Ed 🌵.: You want that?
Ed 🌵.: You want me to drown in your come?
Stede: Fucking hell Ed
Ed 🌵.: Imagine how it will feel with my piercing stroking the underside of your cock
Ed 🌵.: Pressing on that nice little button of pleasure
Ed 🌵.: Can you find it for me?
Ed 🌵.: Just under the head
Ed 🌵.: Find it, spread your wetness over it and stroke it nice and easy
Stede: Holy Christ
Ed 🌵.: You found it, didn’t you?
Stede: Oh my god oh my god
Ed 🌵.: Look at that, no commas or capitals now
Ed 🌵.: I’ve got you squirming, don’t I? Arching your back off the bed
Ed 🌵.: Squeezing your phone until you hand hurts
Ed 🌵.: I want you to stroke yourself again now, Stede
Ed 🌵.: Get it nice and wet for me with all that come that’s been pouring out for me
Ed 🌵.: And stroke yourself
Ed 🌵.: But faster, tighter
Ed 🌵.: Think of my tongue lapping away at your tip
Ed 🌵.: Licking and sucking
Ed 🌵.: I can’t get enough of you, Stede
Ed 🌵.: I want you to fill up my mouth
Ed 🌵.: I want to suck on you
Ed 🌵.: Make you so dirty
Stede: Oh my god ed I can’t
Ed 🌵.: Faster, Stede
Ed 🌵.: Fuck my mouth, make a mess of me
Ed 🌵.: Take me
Ed 🌵.: Use me
Stede: fuck fukc fucj ed
Stede: ed
Ed 🌵.: Do it, Stede, fuck me
Stede: holy shit ed holy shit
Stede: I did it
Stede: oh my god
Stede: oh my god
Stede: ed
Stede: ed?
Ed 🌵.: Catching up to you 😉
Stede: oh my god
Ed 🌵.: FUCK that was fucking hot
Ed 🌵.: Jesus fuck, Stede
Ed 🌵.: How do you feel now, mate?
Stede: Um, like I need another shower.
Ed 🌵.: Hey that’s a period
Ed 🌵.: Said no more periods tonight
Ed 🌵.: Do I need to go over there and punish you? Bop you on the head with one of your porn books that Lucius makes you read?
Stede: Ha very funny
Stede: Ed?
Ed 🌵.: Stede?
Stede: What happens now?
Ed 🌵.: What happens now is first you promise me something, and then you clean up and go to bed
Stede: Promise you what?
Ed 🌵.: That you jerk off more often
Ed 🌵.: Because you fuckin deserve it
Ed 🌵.: And I want to know that you’re giving yourself something that feels good
Ed 🌵.: And you got that photo now
Ed 🌵.: So there’s no excuse
Stede: Okay I’ll try
Stede: What does this mean? All of this
Ed 🌵.: It means I want you to be happy
Ed 🌵.: It means you deserve to be happy
Ed 🌵.: And that maybe you being happy means you fuck yourself to my tongue piercing
Stede: But what does that mean for me?
Stede: About me?
Ed 🌵.: I can’t tell you that Stede
Ed 🌵.: Not for me to say
Ed 🌵.: But whatever you figure out, I’m here for you
Ed 🌵.: You’re my best friend Stede
Ed 🌵.: I know we met just two months ago
Ed 🌵.: And we don’t know each other very well yet
Ed 🌵.: But you’re my fucking best friend
Ed 🌵.: No one has cared about me the way you do
Ed 🌵.: And sometimes best friends just fuck over the phone, ok?
Ed 🌵.: Sometimes that’s what it means
Ed 🌵.: Doesn’t have to be complicated
Ed 🌵.: Just has to feel like you
Stede: You’re my best friend too 🥰
Ed 🌵.: 🥰
Stede: Ed I’ve never done this before
Ed 🌵.: I’m glad you did it with me
Stede: I’m glad too
Stede: Can we do it again?
Stede: Some time
Stede: Not now
Stede: But just
Stede: Again
Ed 🌵.: YES
Ed 🌵.: You think I’d say no to that?
Stede: I don’t know
Stede: I’ve never done this before. Maybe it was bad, I don’t know
Ed 🌵.: Not bad at all 😉
Ed 🌵.: Very good, in fact
Stede: And this is just something best friends do sometimes?
Ed 🌵.: Yep
Stede: I should probably go to bed now
Ed 🌵.: Yeah
Ed 🌵.: And when the clock strikes midnight, you can use periods again
Stede: 😁
Stede: Good night, Ed
Ed 🌵.: Good night, Stede

Chapter Text

Stede was glowing on Sunday. Bursting with light. He couldn’t stop the smile on his face, couldn’t stop himself from wearing a bright yellow shirt with another pair of jeans. He felt radiant. Mary had said as much. She told him he was glowing, asked what the cause of it was. Stede told her it was simply his skincare working and the fresh air. She looked at him strangely when he started singing while driving Mary’s SUV to the library for Plant Club. The new month was starting with a carnivorous plants theme. Stede was feeling rather carnivorous himself. Hungry for more of whatever that was last night.

He thought about it again this morning, even looked at Ed’s tongue photo before sending it to his hidden folder and deleting it from his messages. He had wondered up to that moment what the hidden folder was for. Well, he discovered it was for photos of your best friend’s tongue. He felt a tiny bit of guilt moving it to the hidden folder because why was he hiding it? Obviously so Mary couldn’t see. But why was it so dangerous? Because of what it led to last night? Possibly. If she found out what he did, what would she do? Hiding was the only option.

Knowing it was in there, in that folder, sent waves of zings through him. Zing! Zing! Zing! It felt so scandalous, so exhilarating, so rule-breaking. He’d almost worn his rule-breaking shoes, but he felt that was one broken rule too many. He was already wearing jeans, you see.

During storytime he could barely sit still, like the children around him. At craft time he was so giddy that he could hardly focus on gluing things to their proper places. When he spilled paint on his shirt, he didn’t care. Mary asked him if he was coming down with something and maybe they ought to take his temperature when they got home. His temperature was fine, and Mary wondered if he was having a blood sugar crash or a sugar rush somehow, even though they didn’t have any sugary snacks at Plant Club. She crammed some crackers in his mouth and told him to go lie down.

He paced his room instead. Pulled out his phone and stared at the lock screen like he was waiting for a message. He was afraid to read through the messages, though. He hadn’t gone through them after they'd said good night. He didn’t need to, because he remembered them. Ed was so bold and confident with those things he was saying. How had he thought of them? Had he said these things before? Had he texted like this before? He must have. He alluded to casually going out and “getting laid” like it was such an easy thing to do. No different from seeing a slice of cheesecake, wanting it, and having it.

And for Stede, it had been some time since he’d done that. It had never felt that good. The way Ed directed him to do things and touch in ways he never had before. He’d never put too much thought into it before, which could very well have been the reason that he hadn’t done it very much. Ed brought finesse and daring, made him think about it in a whole new way, the way he’d made Stede discover new things about Persuasion even though he’d read it at least three times before.

Another thought that came blasting into his mind was the fact that Ed had done that too. Right along with him. They’d done it together. He’d said it was hot. He enjoyed doing that with Stede. And then he’d told Stede that he was his best friend. Sometimes best friends just fuck over the phone. Did they? That was a Lucius question, but Stede could not ask Lucius about this.

Ping!

The text alert startled him and he nearly dropped his phone.

Ed 🌵.: Stream tonight?

For some reason, Stede expected something more risqué to appear on the preview and found he was disappointed that it didn’t say something like “Wanna fuck over the phone again?”

Stede: Sure 😊.
Ed 🌵.: 😏
Ed 🌵.: That’s what I like to hear
Ed 🌵.: Or read, I guess 😂
Ed 🌵.: Would like to hear other things, but that has to wait for another time
Stede: What things?
Ed 🌵.: 😏
Ed 🌵.: See you tonight 😜
Stede: See you.

Now that he had something to look forward to, the rest of the day seemed to drag on. This bit did feel monotonous, but he was very conscious of not looking at his watch. Not even the clock on the wall. That would start another argument, he was sure. He left the time watching to Mary while he read the same paragraph about twenty times in the book Lucius assigned. He called this genre “gay for you” and had told the teens that although the character was old—and he had looked pointedly at Stede—it didn’t mean they shouldn’t be exposed to it, and that it was educational for everyone. Stede had pointed out to him that being middle aged was in fact not old, but Luicus had simply replied with more vehemence than Stede had thought necessary, “Everyone!” So, Stede supposed he was meant to be learning something. Then, bedtime was upon them, and they put the children to bed and went their separate directions. Stede didn’t have time to feel awkward about it; his computer was waiting for him!

Ping!

Ed 🌵.: You coming?
Ed 🌵.: To the stream I mean 😏
Stede: Coming!
Ed 🌵.: 😏

Stede yanked open his laptop, nearly prising the screen right off the keyboard in his haste to get to the stream. Thirty seconds had never felt so long, and Stede was bouncing in his chair waiting for the ad to end. As soon as it did, he dived right into the chat.

stede: Hi, Ed! 👋.

Ed had been in mid-sentence when he suddenly smirked at the camera and winked! The wicked one. “Hey, Izzy,” he called across his room, “get me a popsicle. Red one, please!” He turned back to the game and said casual as you please, “Hey, Stede. Welcome back.”

Stede saw the chat sending message after message of greeting and waving hands with periods. But then his eye was drawn to Ed’s camera capture where Izzy’s hand sprang from nowhere with a red popsicle. “Thanks, mate,” Ed said. And he was lewd with it. Purely filthy. Running his tongue up and down it, flicking his tongue at the tip, slurping noisily, uttering groans of delight, sliding it all the way in nice and slow, then hollowing his cheeks when he dragged it back out again, sticking his tongue far out and pulling the popsicle along it until his piercing was shining in the purple light.

Chat: “what. the. fuck” and “why is BB fucking a popsicle??” and “bro you complaining?” and “would love to see what he’d do to my dick” and “I’m holding out for him melting it in his ass” and “ew” and “I’d totally eat it after 🥵” and “🔥🔥🔥” and “holy shit is it my birthday?” and “Eddie baby if your that desperate for cock I’ll be right over”

Ed laughed. “Fuck off, Jack, I changed the locks.”

Stede merely stared. All words were lost. Punctuation? Never heard of it. Absolutely not a period in sight.

“Edward, what are you doing?” Izzy asked.

“Am I adding OnlyFans to the socials?” another voice Stede didn’t recognize said somewhere off camera.

“No OnlyFans, Frenchie,” Ed said, laughing again. “All right, you horny fucks, that’s all you’re getting.” Ed was silent a moment, looking down at his desk.

Ping!

Ed 🌵.: How’d you like that Stede?
Stede: I don’t even know where to begin
Stede: No period

Ed grinned and started playing his game again, but Stede felt like he had bees under his skin, buzzing for Ed to reply. Stede read the chat to see what people were saying about Ed’s display and felt smug knowing that Ed had done that for him. He was disturbed by the comment left by one “calicojack” and not just because he used the wrong “you’re”.

Stede: Who is “calicojack”?

Ed glanced down to where Stede was certain his phone was situated. He frowned for a moment, glancing at the camera, and didn’t answer. Stede wasn’t sure if he wasn’t going to answer, if he was waiting to clear whatever part of this game he was in, or if Stede was annoying him by texting instead of typing the chat. Ed had already explained it was hard for him to play, talk, and read at the same time, and now Stede was adding texting to his plate of things to do at once. There was a cutscene where Ed stopped playing to watch.

Ping!

Ed 🌵.: Tell you later tonight
Ed 🌵.: If you stay up until after the stream
Ed 🌵.: Can you do that for me, Stede?
Ed 🌵.: Break the rules and stay up too late?
Stede: I think I can do that.

Ed smiled devilishly at the camera and continued playing after the cutscene. The chat was arguing amongst themselves or criticizing the game like saying the female characters weren’t female enough because they didn’t have breasts the size of houses, or messages to Ed about various things they want to do to him. Stede found he couldn’t say anything in the chat. The bees were too loud under his skin, especially after Ed made a show of trailing his tongue across his lower lip and displaying his piercing. Stede liked that piercing very much. It was understated, not some hulking mass of metal thrashing about wildly. It was small, fitted right in the center. He’d looked up information about tongue piercings and saw that if they were not placed well and if they were too big, they could be disastrous for one’s teeth and gums. But Ed’s was small and out of reach of his teeth, and Stede suspected that Ed knew so much about this sort of thing, having all those ear piercings and tattoos, that he knew exactly how to manage a tongue piercing.

Forty-five minutes later, Stede’s phone pinged! again.

Ed 🌵.: Still with me?
Stede: I’m here. I’m watching.
Ed 🌵.: The game? Or me?
Stede: You. 😉.
Ed 🌵.: 😏

It felt so exhilarating! Forbidden! Having a secret conversation with Ed in front of everyone. Oh, how thrilling! Those pert little smiles? Stede knew those were for him. Yes, Ed engaged the chat, teasing them when they got “thirsty” and outwitting idiots who thought they could successfully insult him. He was so clever and quick! Stede wished he could have had an ounce of this when he was young, to use it against the likes of the Badmintons. He wondered how someone could be so perfectly made.

It was 1am when Ed finished his stream, and Stede was still there to join the others and bid thank you and good night. The screen switched to “Stream Ending Soon” and finally “Stream is Offline”. Looking at his phone, he expected it to be lighting up immediately, but it wasn’t until 1:27am that he received the first message from Ed. By then he’d gone through his bedtime routine and was waiting in his bed.

Ed 🌵.: Still up?
Stede: Yes! I’d worried you’d fallen asleep already since you must be so tired from all of that.
Ed 🌵.: No, I had to power down my gear and get Izzy and Frenchie out of here
Ed 🌵.: So I can have you to myself 😏
Stede: Oh.

He didn’t know what else to say to that.

Ed 🌵.: Oh period
Ed 🌵.: 😂
Ed 🌵.: So eloquent, Mr. Bonnet
Stede: Sorry! I guess I just didn’t know what to say.
Ed 🌵.: If you’re too tired we don’t have to chat
Ed 🌵.: I know you’ve got a real job to go to. Some 9 to 5er
Stede: Oh, yes. Well. Honestly, I spend most of my time looking out the window into other windows in other buildings.
Ed 🌵.: You’re a peeping Tom! I’m scandalized!
Ed 🌵.: What kind of stuff do you see? Anything nasty?
Stede: Oh, yes, actually!
Ed 🌵.: Ohhhh tell me 😏
Stede: Yes, this man who seems very nouveau riche got his hands on this absolutely atrocious sculpture. It looks like it was shaped out of aluminium cans pulled from under the bleachers of a high school football pitch.
Ed 🌵.: That’s not…
Ed 🌵.: Nah it’s ok
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, that sounds like a disaster 😂
Stede: It’s literal trash, Ed!
Stede: Abysmal.
Stede: Insulting, even.
Stede: I’d considered installing curtains.
Ed 🌵.: 🤣
Ed 🌵.: You’re so SILLY
Ed 🌵.: Ok so you asked about Jack
Stede: Is that his real name?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, he’s not as clever as you, using his name with a lowercase first initial 🤣
Stede: Oh, ha, ha.
Ed 🌵.: He’s an old friend. We go way back
Ed 🌵.: Sorta my ex, too, I guess you could call it
Ed 🌵.: Did the fuck buddy thing for awhile
Ed 🌵.: But I called it quits on that permanently some years back when I started really going through stuff
Stede: What’s that?
Ed 🌵.: What?
Stede: What’s a “fuck buddy”?
Ed 🌵.: 🤣
Ed 🌵.: It’s a buddy that you fuck
Stede: Like what we did last night?

Stede found himself a little bit deflated hearing Ed describe it like that, when last night he made it seem so special.

[Ed 🌵 .: typing – stop – typing – stop – typing]

Ed 🌵.: No
Ed 🌵.: No, we’re different than that
Ed 🌵.: I would never call you that, or think of you like that, or be like that with you
Ed 🌵.: Fuck buddy is someone you just have around when you both want to get laid and don’t feel like prowling around
Ed 🌵.: Like to scratch an itch
Ed 🌵.: Doesn’t mean anything
Stede: But it’s the same, isn’t it? You do it the same way? Over the phone?

[Ed 🌵 .: typing – stop – typing – stop – typing]

Ed 🌵.: No, it’s physical
Ed 🌵.: Usually there aren’t many words other than, like, stupid dirty talk
Stede: But didn’t you do that over the phone last night? With the things you were saying…I mean, I’d qualify that as dirty talk. Wouldn’t you?
Ed 🌵.: It’s more the intention behind it
Ed 🌵.: The sort of thing where after it’s done you kinda feel sick about it, but you let it go because you came and that’s all you wanted
Stede: Why would you feel sick about it?
Ed 🌵.: Because with the right person it’s hot, and with the wrong person it’s cringe
Stede: Cringe?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, where if they say something after you’re all set and done and good to go and it makes you feel secondhand embarrassment for them
Ed 🌵.: 🤣
Ed 🌵.: Ok, like Jack for instance. He does the whole daddy kink thing where he likes to be called daddy
Stede: Um? Why…????
Ed 🌵.: Some guys are just into that. And it’s fine, I’m fine with it in the moment
Ed 🌵.: But he wants me to keep going with it after we’ve finished
Ed 🌵.: 🤣
Ed 🌵.: And that’s the time when I kick him out 🤣
Stede: But you don’t do anything with him anymore?
Ed 🌵.: Nope
Stede: What happened to make you put a stop to it?
Ed 🌵.: Oh, it was just a never ending cycle of feeling bad about myself, partying with Jack to forget feeling shitty, fucking Jack, feeling bad about myself

Stede had been shifting onto his left side, then right side, then back on his back, suddenly uncomfortable in his own bed while Ed talked about Jack. The questions in his mind he wanted to ask about Ed feeling bad about himself were overshadowed by all the questions he didn’t want to ask about this Jack character and Ed's experiences with him. How long have they been friends? Were they buddies before fucking, or fucking before buddies? What did Jack look like? What the hell was this “daddy” nonsense? How did they do it? What parts of whom went where? Was Jack good at whatever they did together? Enough to make Ed keep going back to him? His curiosity was almost unbearable, but he couldn’t very well ask these sorts of things!

Ed 🌵.: And I was just done. Got too tired of all that. Too old for that shit
Ed 🌵.: You know?
Ed 🌵.: Like that’s shit that you leave behind preferably in your 20s
Ed 🌵.: But I was over 40
Ed 🌵.: Slow learner I guess
Stede: No, you’re not. You are not a slow learner.
Stede: You are learning so fast how to grow cacti and how to knit.
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, I guess so. When you put it like that
Ed 🌵.: Cacti 😂
Ed 🌵.: Guess it’s the support system. I guess I’m starting to build one of those finally
Stede: Izzy and Frenchie don’t support you?
Ed 🌵.: Sigh. Frenchie just does Frenchie. He’s a great guy, sure. But kinda keeps to himself
Ed 🌵.: He hates social media and doesn’t have his own accounts
Ed 🌵.: Could be why he’s so good at managing mine
Ed 🌵.: I’d call him a friend, but not, like, a support system
Ed 🌵.: I feel like that’s something else
Ed 🌵.: And Izzy, well, I love him to pieces, and I know he loves me too. 20 years I’ve known him
Ed 🌵.: And he’s got that funny curmudgeony, cantankerous vibe that’s endearing
Ed 🌵.: But there’s this block between us because of the work thing
Ed 🌵.: It’s all about the job with him
Ed 🌵.: He just wants me to go go go all the time
Ed 🌵.: And it was fine when I was 30, but fuck I’m 45 and playing video games for a living
Ed 🌵.: And I can’t go go go anymore, but he doesn’t get it because he’s a stubborn old goat and hates when things change
Ed 🌵.: So, long story short (ha!) he’s not exactly a support system either
Ed 🌵.: Still with me? Or did I bore you to sleep?
Stede: I’m still here. Just listening and giving you time to say what you need to say.
Ed 🌵.: See, THIS is why I said you treat me better than anyone ever has
Ed 🌵.: You fucking listen to me
Ed 🌵.: No one ever listens to me. But you do. You listen to every letter. Every fucking punctuation mark. Like you can see the periods and the commas and the question marks
Ed 🌵.: I’ve never met anyone like you, Stede
Stede: Well, I’ve never met anyone like you Ed.
Stede: I think you’re special.
Ed 🌵.: 🥺
Ed 🌵.: You’re going to make a hard core gamer cry, Stede
Stede: What would cheer you up?
Ed 🌵.: Uhhh…😏
Ed 🌵.: Actually, you know what? Just chatting. Let’s leave it at just chatting today
Ed 🌵.: What do you think?
Ed 🌵.: I don’t want to burn too hot, too fast. Not with you
Ed 🌵.: Fuck knows I always go too fast
Stede: You mean doing certain things over the phone?
Ed 🌵.: Exactly
Ed 🌵.: Right now I like the slow and silly
Stede: I think you’re right
Ed 🌵.: You’re my best friend and I want you to stay that way
Stede: I’ve never had a best friend before. It’s nice. It feels good.
Ed 🌵.: Yeah?
Stede: Yeah. 🥰.
Ed 🌵.: 🥰
Ed 🌵.: I’m glad I get to be your first
Ed 🌵.: I’ll make sure to try to earn it
Stede: Just being yourself earns it every day. That’s all you need to be for anyone, Ed. Being you is enough.
Ed 🌵.: Thanks Stede. I’m crying now
Ed 🌵.: Happy crying. Just a couple tears
Stede: As long as they are happy. 😊.
Ed 🌵.: 😊
Stede: I should probably go to sleep now, though. I’m sorry.
Ed 🌵.: No, mate, it’s cool. I get it. Sweet dreams, Stede Bonnet
Stede: Sweet dreams, Edward Teach.

He fell asleep hugging his phone.

The rest of the week continued the same way. He kept the livestream on at work, commented periodically, read the raucous replies of people in the chat, texted about nothing with Ed at night before bed. But Thursday! Oh, Thursday. Thursday was A Day. It didn’t start out that way, but it certainly ended that way. It was A Day that turned into A Night. All Stede’s squirmy Thursday thoughts disappeared right out of his head by the time it had turned into A Night. The day was fine and normal and horrible until he got home, where he did the whole routine of kissing Mary hello, spending time with the children who were one day away from summer break, having dinner, all the bedtime things. And then Stede settled in for Ed’s stream. Just as normal as can be.

When he opened the stream, the camera capture was on the main screen, and Ed was there, already laughing heartily, leaning back in his chair and clutching his sides. Izzy was also there, close to the camera and waving a shower slide shoe back and forth over his head, grunting out a series of colorful curse words. Utterly perplexed, Stede started typing.

stede: Hi, Ed!
stede: What’s happening here?

Amid all the greetings to him and the commentary to Ed, Stede sussed out that Izzy was trying to kill a spider on the wall behind the computer because Ed was afraid of them. But Izzy was too short and kept missing the spider, causing it to crawl higher with every swing. Ed was wiping tears from his eyes.

“Well why don’t you fucking do it if you’re so fucking good at it, huh?”

Ed suddenly grew serious. “Not bloody optimal, Izzy. Making me kill a spider.”

“I can’t reach it, you fucking twat!”

Ed erupted into a new stream of giggles and wrestled the shoe out of Izzy’s hands. The chat was bursting with laughs and words of encouragement to Ed. He rose from his chair and waved Izzy aside. With a deep breath he leaned forward, raising his arm to smite the accursed spider and oh—

Stede barely registered the immediate chaos happening on his screen after the spider fell on the floor, and Ed started screaming and climbing onto his desk. Izzy had taken control of the shoe again and set about trying to smash it on the floor, but he kept missing. Ed was yelling and pointing at the beast. No, Stede wasn’t thinking of any of that because his mind got entirely stuck.

That was new.

That was very new.

New to Stede, anyway. There, the usual black t-shirt, and added to that a pair of black joggers. But when he had raised his arm, his shirt rode up and there it was. Not just a flat but soft, charming tummy, but also another piercing. Ed had a titanium barbell right there decorating his belly button. It was the most…oh he was going to use it. He was going to use that word. It was sexy. It was sexy as fuck. His mind was spitting out swear words that would have had his mother’s head exploding. He was inventing the word “obscene” with how many variations of the word fuck were flying through his brain. He even fashioned one out of ecclesiastical Latin, sacrilege be damned! He wanted to look at it, touch it, lick it, for Christ’s sake! That thought came in so fast he couldn’t stop it in its tracks and toss it over the cliff. Too soon, unfortunately, he lost sight of that heart stopping jewelry because Ed was sitting in his chair now, laughing, waiting for Frenchie to reset the screen format, safe from the spider that Izzy had successfully killed, and his belly was out of view.

“Izzy, come sit on Santa’s lap!”

“Not the fucking Santa thing again, Edward. No—!"

Ed pulled a squirming Izzy onto his lap and started clapping Izzy’s hands together to celebrate him killing the spider. Finally, Izzy managed to fight him off and walk away while Ed was laughing into the crook of his arm that was resting on his desk. Stede almost wished a new spider would spring up just for the promise to see that jewelry again. He had been timid about the tongue piercing; he was not timid now. He refused to be.

Stede: You have a belly ring.

Ed raised his head from his arm and looked at a spot on his desk, presumably to check his phone, and then he froze briefly. He glanced at the camera, and then started looking at the chat, squinting. Stede supposed he was looking to see when he had shown up. Then, a half-smile turned one of the corners of Ed’s lips upward.

Ed 🌵.: I do
Ed 🌵.: Do you like it?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: Do you think it’s sexy?
Stede: YES
Stede: I want to see it again.

Ed’s lips parted in surprise, and he glanced at the camera again, and then over at Izzy who was now out of sight.

Ed 🌵.: Maybe if you’re good and stay up until my stream is over, I’ll let you see it
Ed 🌵.: 😉
Stede: I’ll be good.

And he was. He was so good, sitting there patiently, gnawing on a nail and rocking from side to side on his chair, looking at the clock when he wasn’t looking at Ed. Time was crawling. Agonizingly slow. He was certain the clock was running backwards! Ed was taking his merry time, engaging with the chat, laughing, arguing playfully with Izzy, even talking to this Jack every now and again and sharing anecdotes. The chat seemed to know all about their friendship and their “fuckbuddy-ship” which made Stede jiggle his leg up and down like a rabbit. Petulantly, Stede thought about not joining the others in saying thank you and goodbye at the end of the stream, but Ed seemed to be waiting for him. So, he sent the words, and Ed’s smile beamed like the sun bursting from a cloud. The stream ended.

Gripping his phone for dear life, Stede went to his bedroom to prepare for bed, ready to jump at the second he received Ed’s next message. After forty-five minutes, he as sitting at the edge of his bed staring at his phone, willing it to ping! or glow or whatever it wanted to do to let him know that Ed texted him.

Ping!

The message preview showed he sent an image. Stede opened it to see a photo that made his heart stop just for a second or two, not enough to be concerning. It was Ed, standing in front of a mirror, but the photo only captured his midsection. He was wearing the same joggers and t-shirt he had been wearing during the stream, only this time, one of his hands was caressing his belly, with his shirt raised just enough to reveal the piercing and a smattering of dark hair trailing ever downwards and disappearing below the waistband of his pants. When Stede’s mouth started to feel dry, he realized it had been hanging open for the past thirty seconds he spent ogling his best friend’s tummy.

Ed 🌵.: You awake, mate?

Stede scrambled to reply, but his fingers suddenly felt like sausages. Calm down, Stede! he begged himself.

Stede: Yes! Sorry for the delay!
Ed 🌵.: Delay, huh
Ed 🌵.: Delayed because you were looking at the photo I just sent?
Stede: Yes. I wanted to make sure I gave it its due diligence, you see. Since you went through all that trouble to send it to me.
Ed 🌵.: You wanted to appreciate all the details, eh?
Stede: Precisely.
Ed 🌵.: What details are your favorite?
Stede: The piercing is pretty high on the list, I’d say.
Ed 🌵.: 😏
Ed 🌵.: You’re collecting my piercings like Pokémon cards
Ed 🌵.: You want photos of my ears next?
Ed 🌵.: 😂
Stede: Maybe. 😂.
Ed 🌵.: You’re so silly 🤪
Ed 🌵.: Ok, so talk to me about the belly ring
Ed 🌵.: Made you feel a certain way I think?
Stede: A certain way is a good description.
Ed 🌵.: Like the tongue piercing?
Stede: Like more than the tongue piercing.
Stede: In the words of your viewers: 🔥.
Ed 🌵.: Oh! Hmmmm…
Ed 🌵.: And what are we going to do about that?
Stede: I thought maybe we could fuck over the phone about that.

As soon as he’d sent it, he started spiraling. Was there still time to delete? No! It showed Ed had read it. But there was silence. Oh no, had Stede ruined everything? Shit, why hadn’t he kept that in check? What the fuck was he thinking typing that, let alone sending it?!

Ed 🌵.: Sorry, mate, you caught me off guard with that
Ed 🌵.: I had to read that message about ten times to make sure I wasn’t dreaming
Ed 🌵.: Fucking hell, Stede
Stede: Oh, Ed, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I shouldn’t have sent that. I’m so sorry.
Ed 🌵.: Don’t you dare regret sending that
Ed 🌵.: It’s exactly the sort of thing I want to read from you after midnight 😂
Ed 🌵.: Just never expected you to be so forward, Mr. Bonnet
Stede: You liked that message?
Ed 🌵.: Loved it, actually
Ed 🌵.: Well, my pants are already off. Where are you on the stripping off clothes timeline?
Stede: Oh. I haven’t removed anything.
Stede: Shall I?
Ed 🌵.: Yes, immediately
Ed 🌵.: I have plans for you tonight

Stede tugged at the crotch of his pajama pants, feeling them grow a bit tight as his full erection struggled against too much fabric. He placed the phone on the bed next to him and pulled off his pajama bottoms and underwear, never taking his eyes off the screen in case Ed sent another message.

Stede: They’re off. PJs and underwear.
Ed 🌵.: But you’re still wearing a shirt, I bet
Ed 🌵.: Aren’t you?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: You need to take that off now too
Stede: Really?
Ed 🌵.: Oh yes, Stede. I want you naked on your bed
Ed 🌵.: After sending me a text like that, you’re not allowed to be modest tonight

He shimmied out of his shirt in record time, almost tearing the buttons from their buttonholes, shivering at the way the silk slid against his bare skin. His mind was so far off track that he flung his shirt to the floor like it was on fire.

Stede: It’s off.

He almost typed the words “I’m naked,” but he finally realized that he was, in fact, quite naked on his bed. This had never happened before. He’d never been naked on any bed, except probably when he was an infant having his diaper changed. He and Mary never stripped down. To date, neither knows what the other looks like without clothes. He looked down at himself as though seeing himself for the first time and suddenly felt so exposed. He considered diving for his shirt or underwear, or anything again. Blankets, even. But he saw he’d missed a string of messages from Ed.

Ed 🌵.: Good
Ed 🌵.: Now we’re on the same page 😉
Ed 🌵.: Are you on your bed?
Ed 🌵.: Stede?
Ed 🌵.: Stede are you there?
Ed 🌵.: Did you fall asleep? 🤨
Ed 🌵.: Are you ok?
Stede: Sorry! Yes, I am here. Just had a bit of a spiral.
Stede: Ummm. This is just very new.
Ed 🌵.: Hey, we can stop if you want
Ed 🌵.: If it’s too much right now
Ed 🌵.: It’s ok, Stede. I want you to feel safe, yeah?
Ed 🌵.: If you want to put your clothes back on, it’s fine
Ed 🌵.: If you want to just chat, we can do that
Ed 🌵.: Ok?
Ed 🌵.: If you want to do this by yourself, and just look at my photo, that’s ok
Ed 🌵.: Just want you to be happy and indulge yourself more often
Ed 🌵.: Anything you’re not comfortable with you need to tell me
Ed 🌵.: IMMEDIATELY
Ed 🌵.: Don’t second guess it, ok? First instinct is the right one
Stede: I want to. I really want to.
Stede: And this is all very, very fine.
Stede: It’s just new.
Stede: I tend to balk at new. But I don’t want to do that now.
Stede: I want to do this now.
Stede: You make it so much better than any time I’ve done it alone.
Ed 🌵.: You sure?
Stede: I’m sure.
Ed 🌵.: 😏
Ed 🌵.: Well then
Ed 🌵.: Feeling a bit put on the spot here with that compliment
Ed 🌵.: What’s to be done about that?
Ed 🌵.: I need you lying on your back in your bed, Stede
Ed 🌵.: Can you do that for me?
Stede: Done!
Ed 🌵.: Good. Now we’re going to get a bit more naughty tonight
Ed 🌵.: More than last time
Ed 🌵.: Because I need both your hands to be free
Ed 🌵.: And so I am going to call you, and you’re going to put me on speaker
Ed 🌵.: And I’m going to tell you all sorts of dirty things while you touch yourself
Ed 🌵.: This time I want you to use lube
Ed 🌵.: Which I assume you don’t have 😂
Stede: Um…no?
Ed 🌵.: I bet you have fancy spa oils or some shit, don’t you?
Stede: I use coconut oil as a moisturizer after my shower. Would that work?
Ed 🌵.: That’s perfect. Go get it
Ed 🌵.: Let me know when you are ready, ok Stede?

He rose from his bed and stepped into his bathroom to get the jar of coconut oil, feeling timid about walking across a whole room entirely naked. Stede’s hands were shaking while he lowered himself back onto his bed, but the instant his skin brushed against the smooth softness of his silk sheets, the sheer luxuriousness of it sent waves of pleasure through him. Soon, he found himself caressing his own body, his chest, his belly. He almost moved further south but stopped himself. That was for Ed to decide. He shuddered at the thought of “more naughty” and his heart was slamming against his chest at the notion that he would be hearing these words in Ed’s voice, filling the room like his beloved oboe concertos, deep and reverberant. Touching himself to Ed’s voice and thinking of piercings. His groin was tingling! He breathed deeply once, twice.

Stede: I’m ready.
Ed 🌵.: 😏

The phone rang in his hand. With trembling finger, he tapped the screen to accept the call. He could hear his own ragged and heavy breathing and hoped that Ed couldn’t hear it on the other end of the line.

“Stede,” he chimed, his voice huskier than usual. A shiver ran down Stede’s spine.

“Ed,” he croaked, barely able to speak.

“You’re going to enjoy yourself now, Stede. No inhibitions. Kick those right out of bed. Put me on speaker and keep the phone where you can hear me.”

“Yes, I’ve got it on my chest.”

“Perfect place for it. You can imagine it’s me touching you. Now you’ve got your hands free, I want you to get them nice and slicked up with your fancy coconut oil. Covered in it. Spread it all over your cock, make it melty and warm, nice and slippery and glistening.”

Stede had to massage it in quite a bit, since the oil was still solid, and as it melted against his cock while he rubbed it all over, he started moaning without meaning to. Embarrassed, he snapped his mouth shut, pressed his lips tightly together so that sound could not escape again. But Ed had heard it.

“No, Stede. I told you to kick your inhibitions out. I want to hear you moaning, understand. I want to hear how good it feels. But as soon as you’ve covered your cock I want you to stop touching it, and instead I want you to slide both hands down your inner thighs, nice and slow and soft. Caress yourself, feel the way it sends electricity through your body. The way your skin tingles when you run your fingers through the hair there. Can you feel it? Spread your legs and brush your thumbs ever so slightly into the crease between your thighs and balls.”

He’d never explored his body this way before, touching himself so gently to the deep but dulcet timber of Ed’s voice, like it was pulsating inside him. Touching so near to his balls sent an ache into them that made his fingernails dig into his flesh, bringing gasps of pleasure springing from his lips.

“And now I want you to move your fingers and your palms over your balls, massage them ever so gently, cup them, fondle them. How does that feel, Stede?”

“Um…” Fuck, it felt amazing! He’d never touched himself there like this before. Certainly he’d touched them in the shower to wash, but never like this, lying in bed with his hand slick with oil. The problem now was he was too scared to say anything out loud.

“Inhibitions, Stede. Get rid of them. Feel it and tell me what you feel.”

“It feels…” He could barely speak because his throat was so tight with the overwhelming sensation. “It feels incredible. I’ve never felt this before.”

“Mmmmm, yeah? Touching yourself, getting all dirty, being naughty, all this just for me?”

“Yes,” he breathed.

“Good. Now, I’ll let you touch your cock again. Are you hard for me, Stede?”

“Yes, fuck!”

Ed gasped. “Fucking hell, that’s the first time I heard you say that. Sounds great, Stede. Best sound I’ve heard from you. And I’m going to hear a lot more sounds out of you, aren’t I? You’re going to say fuck and say my name and all other unholy sounds I can pull out of you. Right?”

“Oh God, yes, Ed.”

“Being so good for me, Stede. Keep massaging your balls, but now also go ahead and wrap one hand loosely around your cock and stroke it for me, nice and slow, like we did last time. Remember last time, Stede? When you were fucking your fist to my tongue?”

“Oh Christ, yes.”

“Got you all wet and messy, didn’t I? Are you wet for me now?”

“Yes, shit!”

“Good, I like you wet and messy. And now you’re covered in that sweet-smelling oil. I wish I was there to bury my face in you. To smell you and taste you. You must taste so good, Stede. Think of how my tongue piercing will feel on your balls as I suck them into my mouth.”

Stede’s hips involuntarily jerked upwards as his cock began pulsating with pleasure, his muscles tensing and his balls tightening. “Fuck!” he cried. He thought for sure he was about to orgasm, but to his surprise he only just managed to hold back.

“Oh you liked that. You didn’t come yet, did you? That was a very special kind of pre-come ‘fuck,’ wasn’t it? Almost got you, eh?”

“Jesus Christ, Ed. Shit! I can’t—”

“You can and you will. Because I’m not done with you yet. You haven’t gotten to play with my belly ring yet, and that’s the whole reason we’re here. So now I want you to imagine me sitting on your thighs, pinning you in place so you can only wriggle like a helpless little worm under my body as I play with your pretty cock.”

“Oh my God, the things you say! How—?”

“Oh I’m barely getting started, Stede. Now I’m sitting on your thighs and I’ve got my cock right alongside yours, and I’ve got a hand wrapped around both of us. Imagine our cocks sliding together in my hand.”

“But I don’t know what yours looks like.”

Ed giggled. “You’re not getting a dick pic, if that’s what you’re after.”

Stede’s whole body blushed at that; he could feel the heat of it in his cheeks and chest. “No, I didn’t want—”

“I’m teasing you,” Ed chuckled. “You’ll just have to imagine it. However you want it to look, that’s how it looks right now. So velvety smooth, swollen, blood pulsing like a fucking nuclear reactor. Stroke yourself faster for me, Stede, and keep rubbing your balls while you think of my piercings.”

Stede did as he was told, toes curling, back arching, skin glistening with sweat, muscles screaming in tension, gasping for air like he was drowning.

“It’s my hands on your cock and balls,” Ed continued, sounding a little breathless now. “Your fingers are currently in my mouth, and I’m sucking on them, gagging on them, and your other hand is caressing my belly ring. Think of the metal cool to the touch, shining in the dim light like a perfect little star for you to play with. My hand on your cock is going faster and faster—can you do that for me, Stede?”

“Fuck, yes.”

“That’s it, Stede, go for it, chase your pleasure for me. Listen to the sound of skin on skin, the sound of the slick wetness. Give into it, let me hear how good it feels.”

Stede was losing his mind, listening to Ed’s voice, the sound of his slick hand on his cock, the sound of the moans and incomprehensible curse words that were erupting out of him like he was possessed by demons. He couldn’t control himself adding Ed’s name in the mix of what he was saying while Ed whispered filthy encouragement. His orgasm was explosive, and he was pretty sure he lost time in the midst of it. He stared at the ceiling in a stupor and only barely registered Ed making the same sounds that he had heard himself making not too long ago. After one last, long groan, Ed descended into slow, deep breaths.

“Fuck-ing-hell,” Ed said at last, emphasizing each syllable.

Stede released the enormous breath he didn’t realize he was holding in his post-orgasm catatonic state. “I’ll say. I have never in my life felt like that, Ed. Never in my life.”

Ed giggled teasingly. “I guess I’m very inspirational, huh?”

“Yes, I guess you are. I didn’t know I could feel all of that. Is that normal, or—?"

“Of course it is. You just need…the right inspiration. And someone to help you figure out what your body can do. Can’t always do that by yourself if you have people convincing you that it’s wrong.”

“I suppose so.” As Stede’s mind came back online, it started to fill with age-old consternation. “Ed?”

“Yes?”

“I’m confused. I don’t really understand what’s happening. I’ve never done any of this before. I’m—I’m afraid.”

Ed was quiet for longer than made Stede comfortable, and he felt even more uncomfortable when Ed sighed as a response, followed by more silence. Suddenly, his heart was fluttering right up to his throat again, like a bird trying to escape a cage. Stede was so confused, and was so afraid, and it was growing ever more overwhelming as the silence continued on for what seemed like eternity now. The problem was he wasn’t exactly sure what he was confused about or afraid of. He knew it had something to do with being aroused by Ed’s piercings, but was it more that Ed was attached to them? In which case what exactly was it that aroused him about it all? Was it just because Ed was so free with sexuality and he encouraged Stede to try, and he broke the floodgates after a lifetime of believing that it was just something that only had a purpose and any pleasure attained was purely tangential to the expected outcome of the activity? Any pleasure sought as the ultimate purpose was the incorrect practice of that activity. And wrong. Deep down he knew that that belief was wrong, but it had been beaten so far down within him that the idea was a needle in the haystack of his rigid upbringing.

“Stede, I don’t know how to respond to that. I wish I did.”

“Me too,” Stede said, dejected that between them they couldn’t come up with an answer. After all, he was certain that he and Ed had more than one shared braincell between them, and if neither of them, as intelligent as they were, could figure it out, then it was either not worth figuring out or maybe Stede simply needed to push these confusing feelings into the shoebox in the back of the closet in his mind where other uncomfortable thoughts were kept.

“I suppose we should go to sleep now,” Stede said at last. “Good night, Ed.”

“Oh,” and now Ed sounded dejected. “Okay. Good night, Stede.”

He hung up the phone, quickly showered, put on a very fresh set of silk pajamas, changed the sheets, swept Ed’s belly photo right into his hidden folder, and deleted the message. Never happened.

Chapter Text

Lucius strongly begged to differ on the shared braincell thing, as he was currently complaining that neither Ed nor Stede had even half a braincell to rub together while Stede carefully placed a sticker over Ed’s heart. It read, You’re an explosion of joy! and was decorated with a rocket and fireworks. “Wow, rockets and explosions? I’m sure Freud would have a thing to say about that,” Lucius grumbled, watching their display with feigned disinterest.

Stede patted the sticker in place more times than necessary, periodically allowing his eyes to drift down to where Ed’s navel was hiding under his t-shirt. Meanwhile, Ed’s gaze was fixed intently on Stede’s face. Not that Stede noticed this, with his own gaze occupied elsewhere. If only he could see that piercing in person! Ed seemed to be purposely teasing him about it, tugging at the hem of his shirt, passing his thumb slowly across his belly and seeming to stroke ever so slightly at his navel. But he wouldn’t let Stede look! Frustrated, Stede glared at him only to find Ed tilting his head and grinning the way he had when they’d first met.

And it was so irritating that Lucius was here! This was the first time Stede was seeing Ed in person since their two…ah…sessions…over the phone. There was electricity zapping in the air around them zap! zap! zap! Like a bug zapper, yes. Ed bit his lip – zap! He looked Stede up and down – zap! He smiled – zap! He stroked his navel – zap!

Snap!

Stede flinched at Lucius’s fingers snapping in his face. “Hellooooo, are you there?”

Slapping Lucius’s hand away, Stede cried, “Lucius, what the hell are you doing?”

“Well, you were ignoring me because you were bluescreening over Ed, so I was getting you back online. Are we present now?”

“Yes, I’m bloody well present.”

“Okay then, are you going to do the Reading Club spiel or what?”

“Reading Club?” Stede puzzled aloud before realizing Lucius was referring to the Summer Reading Club which began today to run for a solid two months. “Oh, yes, Ed, would you like to join it?”

“Do I get more stickers?” Ed asked, leaning onto the counter and batting his eyelashes.

“Ah, well, no. There are other prizes, though. You just have to read five adult-level books and write a short review of each before July 31, and you will get a prize and a chance to win one of the raffle prizes.”

Ed’s eyes lit up, which Stede was expecting, knowing how much Ed liked presents. “What sorts of prizes?”

“Well, if you sign up, you receive a neat little notepad, pen, and bookmark in a terrible quality canvass tote bag—”

“Careful!” Lucius snapped with a warning look one would receive from a primary school teacher if caught being naughty.

“—and when you finish, you get to select a brand new book to keep. And if you’re very lucky, you will get a raffle prize. We are raffling off your choice of restaurant gift card or a reading care package, and the grand prize is an eBook reader.”

“What do you say, Stede? Do you think Ed Teach will get lucky?” Ed asked, dropping his voice an octave.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Stede replied, dropping his voice likewise. “We’ll only find out if you’ll do as you’re told and read all five books.”

“I really need to stop working on Saturdays,” Lucius muttered to the ceiling.

“So, what’s a book care package?” Ed asked, raising an eyebrow.

“We put together little gift baskets with sample teas, coffees, biscuits, chocolates, and a gift card for a few eBooks.”

Ed gasped, his eyes growing wide. “I want a gift basket! Will they come in actual baskets? With bows and wrapped in that really fucking annoying cellophane that gets staticky and sticks to your fingers?”

“Wow, that’s really specific,” Lucius interjected.

“Well, if you win one I’m sure I can wrap it in cellophane with a big satin bow,” Stede said.

“I want to win that!” Ed exclaimed. “I want the bow!”

“Then you had best sign up and complete your reading, hadn’t you? And!” Stede raised a finger and flicked through the desk calendar. “Yes, excellent. Two of your books can be the ones from Literary Classics Book Club, since we will meet twice before the reading club is over.”

“Really? That’s not cheating?”

“Of course it’s not cheating! But you will have to think of three other new books to read and review.”

“Do they have to be old timey novels or can I read books on, like, growing plants? New ones. That I haven’t read yet.”

“They can be any kind of book.”

Ed grinned and tapped his hands on the desk excitedly. “Okay, sign me up and gimme a shitty tote bag!”

Lucius rolled his eyes and scoffed in offense. “Okay, listen, the bags are not shitty, thank you very much. They are very, very cool, in fact. And I think I did pretty well picking them out based on the pittance we get from taxes in this very affluent neighborhood.”

Stede pulled out a tote while Ed filled out the sign-up form with his name, telephone number, and address. “Well, well, Bonnet,” Ed said teasingly. “I’ve given you my name and phone number already, and now you have my whole address.”

Lucius grabbed hold of the counter as though afraid to be pulled away from it. “Stop, wait! What? What do you mean you gave him your number?”

“Read for Filth,” Ed said, reading the design on the tote bag before Lucius snatched it from his hands.

“What you mean, Ed?”

Ed only grinned and snatched the bag back. “I’ll text you later, Stede!” he said with a wink before turning and leaving the library.

“Stede! You tell me right now that you and Ed have not been texting all this time without my knowledge!”

“Ed and I have been texting all this time without your knowledge,” Stede replied, smirking a little as he filed away Ed’s Reading Club registration form.

“Oh my fucking God, Stede Bonnet! How long has this been going on?”

“Since last Saturday.”

“Excuse me, it’s been a week? A whole week and I only found out today? Don’t you realize this is unfair to me? This is unfair to me, Stede. And here I thought we were friends! What do you text about?”

Stede sniffed haughtily. “That’s really not your business.”

“It is, though! I deserve to know after the hell the two of you have put me through for…” Lucius inspected the calendar. “Eight weeks? Oh my God it feels like eight months! My hair is graying over this, Stede!”

“Lucius, you’re twenty-seven.”

“That’s not the point, though is it? You’ve been having these very important conversations without me. Is this why you haven’t been in the livechats? Pete told me you kind of disappeared. Oh my God, you were texting him during his streams instead of through the chat? Just tell me one thing you talked about!”

“No!”

“Stede, I’ll go to HR!”

“And tell them what? That I won’t let you invade my privacy?”

“Yes!” Lucius said, placing his hands on his hips and tapping his foot. “Hmmm. In a completely unrelated topic, how are you finding my book assignment for this month?”

Stede threw him a sidelong glance. “I haven’t started reading it yet.”

“Oh, come on, Stede. Can’t you do anything according to my timeline?”

“I’ll have it done. I’ll read it on Friday. They aren’t terribly sophisticated, these books, since they’re for teenagers, so I don’t really need to sit with it and parse out meaning.”

“No, actually, you do. You do. You need to pay attention to all of it. Otherwise, what am I even working this hard for?”

Both luckily and unfortunately, Ed didn’t text him the rest of the time while he was at the library. Of course, he was also deep in a livestream. When Stede arrived home he was too busy to look at his phone, as the children were excitable about opening their summer projects that Stede and Mary firmly reminded them they would do tomorrow, launching Louis into a full meltdown that took both Stede and Mary in their individual ways to soothe away. It was close to 11pm when he finally managed to pull out his phone to see that Ed had texted him a little over an hour ago.

Ed 🌵.: You there?
Stede: I’m here. 😊.
Stede: Astonishingly exhausted. Mary and I had our work cut out for us tonight to help Louis understand that they’ll open their summer projects tomorrow rather than tonight.
Ed 🌵.: Summer projects? 👀
Stede: Yes, every year when school ends for summer, we give them something fun to build.
Stede: I’ll be helping Louis put together a model boat and Alma has a Lego set of something called Bowser.
Ed 🌵.: No fuckin way! A Bowser Lego set?
Ed 🌵.: Holy fuck
Ed 🌵.: I want one!
Ed 🌵.: Alma likes Bowser?
Stede: She likes video games in general.
Ed 🌵.: What????????????
Stede: Alma likes video games?
Ed 🌵.: That’s what I’m asking, mate!
Ed 🌵.: You’re telling me that this whole time we’ve been chatting on my TWITCH CHAT you never told me your own flesh and blood is a gamer????
Stede: Oh. I guess I didn’t really see the connection because she plays children’s games.
Ed 🌵.: She plays MARIO. That’s not a mere child’s game 😂
Ed 🌵.: That is high culture
Ed 🌵.: I thought you KNEW high culture????
Stede: Oh, ha, ha! 😂.
Ed 🌵.: You’re a fraud! Like that guy with the shitty sculpture in that office you peep into
Stede: How dare you! I am deeply offended!
Stede: (I’m not offended. That was a joke. In case I needed to explain that.)
Ed 🌵.: 😂
Ed 🌵.: No, I figured that out 😂😂😂
Ed 🌵.: Silly, silly man
Stede: Yeah, I bought it the same day I bought your Lego cactus man
Ed 🌵.: 🥰
Stede: Along with the lighthouse I got for Mary.
Stede: She was very excited about the lighthouse.
Ed 🌵.: Ah ok 🙂
Stede: Reminded her of our wedding!
Ed 🌵.: Oh yeah? Cool
Stede: Yeah, we got married on a beach near a lighthouse.
Stede: Her parents chose the venue. 🙄.
Stede: My parents bought us gravestones as a wedding gift! 😂.
Stede: She thought the Lego lighthouse would be a good little project for us to do together to celebrate our anniversary.
Stede: Which is on Wednesday!
Stede: Twelve years!
Ed 🌵.: Congrats
Stede: The priest said we are meant to be lighthouses for each other.
Stede: A beacon in the storm and all that.
Stede: I’ll be taking her to a nice restaurant. I made reservations at Antoinette’s, which is a French restaurant with all the hoity-toity vibe you’d expect, but it’s also a bit of a sham.
Stede: We’ll probably have to hobnob with posh knobs.
Stede: It seems not too bad a price to pay for a nice anniversary dinner.
Ed 🌵.: Ok 👍
Stede: Are you all right, Ed?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah of course
Ed 🌵.: 🙂
Stede: Oh, okay. You just seem quiet is all.
Ed 🌵.: Nah just tired and all that
Ed 🌵.: Stream kinda took it out of me
Ed 🌵.: I should probably go to bed actually
Ed 🌵.: Gotta do it all again tomorrow
Stede: Oh, all right. Certainly. I understand that.
Ed 🌵.: Good night, Stede
Stede: Good night, Ed.
Stede: 🥰.

Stede waited in vain for Ed to return the smiley face with hearts for a good ten minutes before he sadly set his phone into its charger and got ready for bed. He checked his phone one last time before he switched off the lamp and stared into the dark, waiting to fall asleep. At Plant Club, the children were anxious to return home to open their building sets. Mary insisted on maintaining the same schedule, having lunch upon returning home, and Stede was sure he had never seen anyone eat as fast as his little goblins.

Finally, he brought out the boxes, leaving Alma and Mary to dive into theirs individually, while he patiently worked with Louis, inspecting each piece slowly, and occasionally going off to one of his non-fiction boat books to read information about various ship parts. When Louis grew frustrated, Stede was right there to talk him through his feelings. In general, there was a feeling of contentment filling the air, and more than once Stede and Mary caught each other’s gaze and smiled. They allowed the children to stay up late to continue working, but Louis tired soon, finally having wound down from his hyperactivity. Alma managed to finish Bowser, but Louis would have to continue bit by bit during the week after Stede came home from work. After the children were in bed, Stede stayed up with Mary to help her finish the lighthouse.

When they finished it, Mary wiggled it back and forth and said in an ominous voice reminiscent of the priest who married them, “You are to be lighthouses for each otherrrrrrrr.”

They both laughed and then Mary gently took Stede’s hand. He squeezed hers and then put his arm around her, pulling her close and kissing the top of her head. Then, he rested his cheek there and she rested her head against him, her right hand briefly resting on his belly. Looking at the completed lighthouse, each of them sighed.

“Twelve years, Mary. On Wednesday. I think we’ve done okay, all things considered.”

She seemed to be contemplating something as she pursed her lips. “Yeah. All things considered.”

She pulled away, they bid good night and went to their separate bedrooms. For the first time that day, Stede looked at his phone, ready to see a string of text messages from Ed and to apologize to him for having neglected him. There weren’t any messages. Monday at work was a long day. Stede had to sort through Nigel Badminton’s late work again, and he wasn’t even able to summon the energy to open Ed’s livestream. When he got home, Louis wasted no time dragging Stede back to the boat model. Again, when he dropped into his bed, ready to answer Ed’s messages, he saw there were none. He was in the process of texting Ed, but fell asleep mid-typing. In the morning, he deleted the half-typed message.

At work on Tuesday, he opened Ed’s livestream, and typed in his usually cheerful greeting, receiving many cheerful greetings in reply. Ed was not his usual cheery self, though. He looked tired and pale, the light in his eyes dulled. A moment after Stede sent his greeting, Ed paused the game and stared at the screen for a full thirty seconds at least, saying absolutely nothing, and not even giving the barest of smiles. He resumed the game and did not address Stede the entire time, and did not wait for Stede to bid farewell when the stream ended.

Stede knew he was the very definition of clueless when it came to reading people. Certainly had gotten him into nasty waters with Mary more than once. But even he could sense there was something different with Ed. Actually, it was rather easy to spot. Ed was very expressive not just with his face but with his entire energy. Then, Stede remembered the titles of those For Dummies books again. He hadn’t thought about those in what felt like a very long time because everything had been so fun and exciting. But thinking of those titles now, he realized he hadn’t paid attention to something darker under the surface of Ed’s effortless charisma. He’d told Stede about his penchant for cycling back to feeling badly about himself. Was he in that stage of his cycle? In which case, what ought Stede to do? Give him space? Ask him about it? It hit him then how very little he actually knew about Ed. But surely it wouldn’t be unwelcome to ask him how he is doing?

Stede: Hi, Ed!
Stede: How are you?
Stede: I noticed you didn’t seem your cheerful self.
Stede: I was wondering if anything was wrong?
Stede: I’m sorry if there is anything I said to upset you?
Stede: Or, also I realize it has been a couple days since we chatted, and I hope you aren’t upset about that. It’s just that the children’s building projects ate up a lot of time and energy.
Stede: Parenthood, not for the faint of heart!
Stede: Ha, ha!
Stede: Ed?

He spent over twenty minutes staring at the screen, frowning, until the little bubble with the ellipses kept appearing and disappearing. He’d lost count how many times. Finally, Ed sent a message, and Stede’s blood ran cold.

Ed 🌵.: Did you tell Mary about us?
Stede: What about us?
Ed 🌵.: Are you fucking kidding me?
Stede: I’ve mentioned you to her. Is that what you mean?
Ed 🌵.: I mean about us fucking over the phone
Stede: Oh goodness, of course not!
Ed 🌵.: Why not??

Now it was Stede’s turn to start and stop typing. That was certainly A Question. Borderline a Lucius question.

Stede: I mean, it’s not very appropriate, is it?
Stede: Is it important to you that I tell her?
Stede: I can’t imagine she would want to know any of that.
Ed 🌵.: But it was appropriate enough to do that with me

Again, he was stuck. It was not appropriate, was it? He was a married man. And he had touched himself twice while on the phone with someone who was not his wife and who was touching himself simultaneously. That was… “Oh, God,” Stede whispered aloud. That was cheating, wasn’t it? It hadn’t seemed so at the time. At the time it was…innocent? Play? Ed helping him in a way he didn’t know he needed? Immediately, Stede tried to absolve himself.

Stede: You said that’s what best friends do sometimes.
Ed 🌵.: You’re going to blame me?
Stede: I’m not blaming you for anything.
Stede: I am trying to clarify.
Stede: You’re coming at me a little suddenly, here.
Stede: Clearly you’ve been thinking about this, so I want to understand what’s happening.
Ed 🌵.: You paint me a picture of a dead relationship and even initiate fucking phone sex, and then suddenly tell me about your perfect little marriage and fucking lighthouses, and then tell ME that YOU don’t understand what’s happening??!!

Stede felt the panic swell like a tsunami at the phrase “phone sex”. Somehow, that seemed a lot more vulgar than “fucking over the phone” had been in word or in deed. Sex was such a scientific word, a legal word, a condemning word. Precise, clear, unbared. Shit, shit, shit! Stede thought.

Stede: Ed, listen, yes, perhaps we should talk about whatever all that was that we did.
Stede: And no, it was not appropriate, and in retrospect I should not have done any of that.
Stede: But also I urge you not to say nasty things about my wife, the mother of my children.

Another minute of the ellipses appearing and disappearing while Stede stared with his hands buried in his hair. He felt like he was caught in a landslide.

Ed 🌵.: I want you to delete those photos of me right fucking now
Ed 🌵.: Delete all those messages
Ed 🌵.: I’ve already deleted them from my phone
Ed 🌵.: Right now
Stede: All right.
Stede: Ed, I’m sorry.
Stede: I’m really sorry.
Stede: Ed, please.

But Ed had stopped responding. Once again, Stede found his heart pounding away in his chest, but this was for an entirely different reason. He had just quarreled with the first person he called his best friend, and he felt so lost about what was to happen next. He realized once more how little they actually knew each other, which then made Stede realize he was entirely unequipped to know whether this was a brief fight due to poor choices and misunderstandings that could be fixed by talking it through, or if this was an ending. Ed was so intense in his positives, excited about everything, bubbling with emotion when happy and when moved. But, oh the intensity of his anger was not something Stede was prepared for at all. Personal Boundaries, Loneliness, Anger Management, Anxiety & Depression for Dummies. He had said to Stede, “I don’t want to burn too hot, too fast. Not with you. Fuck knows I always go too fast.” And that’s what he’d done after all. That’s what they both did. He told Stede he wanted slow and silly, and then Stede overrode that by initiating their Thursday night activity, and possibly unwittingly hurled Ed into the same cycle he’d said he stopped with that Jack fellow.

It had been so nice, though. His body had sung all the way through Saturday. But he couldn’t think about that now. He did as he was asked and deleted that beautiful tongue and that charming tummy, and the entire history of their conversations. But he didn’t do this stoically. No, indeed not. He did it with tears streaming down his face. And in his car on the way home, he did what his mother would have found to be obscene behavior and screamed and cried. He’d lost his best friend after having him for so short a time, and it was his fault.

Mary was startled to see him puffy-faced with bloodshot eyes when he arrived at home, and when she pressed him, he told her simply that he thought he ruined his friendship with Ed and didn’t want to say anything more. Although she comforted him, wrapped a blanket around his shoulders, and made him lavender tea to calm down, she did it with those same pursed lips that liked to show up whenever Ed was mentioned. To her credit, she did not demand more information. She simply told him that she expected their friendship was not over and perhaps Ed just needed to simmer for a bit to avoid boiling over. Stede was pretty sure Ed had boiled over already. That wasn’t a simmering conversation, that had definitely come to a rolling boil. And now all the water was gone and he was burning at the bottom of the pan. For all the bullying and loneliness he had faced in his youth, Stede had never been more sad than he was now.

That night in his bed, as he always did before going to sleep, Stede thought of Ed.

Chapter Text

It was mostly a sleepless night, but as terribly as he looked in the morning, he decided to focus on making his anniversary dinner with Mary a pleasant one. When he went to work, he didn’t bring the laptop he usually used to watch Ed’s stream. He didn’t watch Ed’s stream. He paced his office convincing himself not even to think about Ed’s stream. He left early to make sure he wouldn’t get stuck in rush hour, dodging all the Happy Anniversary wishes like a spaceship through the asteroid belt on his way to the parking garage. At home, he pulled out one of his best black suits, draping and hugging in the best places, and he even let Louis and Alma choose his tie. They chose one that he certainly would not have: a brocade of orange, green, and peach. So, he changed the rest of his suit to a three-piece charcoal deep enough to pass as black to the untrained eye, but not black enough where the vibrant tie would be unwholesomely garish. He should have rather liked something in the brown or cream range for this tie, but that would have been a concession that would break the dress code. He couldn’t countenance being turned away from a restaurant, and he was already pushing boundaries with the deep charcoal. Choosing cufflinks provided a conundrum, but in the end he selected silver round ones set with tiger’s eye.

Mary was wearing a long-sleeved, marigold yellow evening dress that offset her fair skin and dark brown hair and eyes beautifully. She bridled at Stede’s grimace, and he explained as quickly as possible that 1.) she was positively resplendent and 2.) he just realized how poorly chosen his tie truly was, but because the children chose it he would not change it and warned her they may win some haughty appraisals. Mary only looked at him like he had grown another head and asked him to help her fasten her understated but very fine citrine necklace that was part of a matched set with her earrings.

Off they drove to Antoinette’s, where Stede dropped his keys into the valet’s hands. Happily, there wasn’t a fuss about his outfit, though the maître d’ did give him an extended once over before leading them to their seats. Stede had preselected the wines and the four-course meal, and after he approved the first bottle that was waiting for them, the waiter set to pour their apéritif.

“So what is the book Lucius assigned to you for June?” Mary asked, as the waiter filled her glass. She began cutting open a piece of bread.

“Oh, it’s a new type, actually. A bit refreshing after reading about teenage angst. It’s about a man who is married to a woman for twenty years and then discovers he’s gay after he meets a man that he falls in love with.”

Mary’s knife clattered onto her plate, which briefly drew the attention of nearby guests. “Do they get divorced?”

“Honestly, I’ve barely begun reading it. Don’t tell Lucius,” Stede whispered, leaning toward her and chuckling. When she didn’t return the laugh, he sat upright again and cleared his throat. “I think yes, they get divorced. I mean, that would be for the best in such a situation, wouldn’t you agree?”

“What about the wife? Don’t you feel sorry for her? She finds out after twenty years that all of it was a lie, that he never loved her, could never love her, even though she probably loved him. They have kids in this story?”

“Yes, they have three. And I don’t think it’s fair to assume he never loved her.”

“So, she has given him her heart, body, children, twenty years of her life and service. And none of that matters, because oh look, he found someone he loves and he can go ride off into the sunset and abandon his family on a whim. And she’s left with what? Everything? Nothing? And I’m guessing in that story, you’re meant to think everything he does is cute and beautiful, and oh poor thing, he’s in a loveless marriage. But they don’t think about the wife, do they, Stede?”

Stede furtively glanced around to see if others were listening. “Mary, keep your voice down. I said I have barely started it. I don’t know about any of that.”

“But the story is he falls in love with another man. So he’s cheating on his wife. Is that romantic to you, Stede?”

Stede blinked, startled by the rapid fire interrogation. “I…well, I don’t think it’s meant to be that simple. It’s unfair to everyone, isn’t it? You have the question of why didn’t the man realize he was gay until twenty years after building a life with a woman. Maybe it was something in his past, maybe toxic masculinity scared him into repressing everything. Maybe he does love his wife, but also loves men and didn’t realize he liked both until he saw the one that he fell in love with. I haven’t read the book, yet! More to the point, do you really think that he should stay with the wife if both he and the wife realized he is gay? How does that make anything better? Especially for the children?”

“But what about her? Finding out that it was all just a lie?”

“But is it? Does him realizing he’s gay mean that he didn’t love the woman he made three children with? Maybe both of them are broken-hearted about it. Surely that makes sense. They can both mourn in their own ways, don’t you suppose? And probably the man is riddled with guilt for making the choice to leave, on top of realizing he’s misunderstood his own identity for twenty years. Surely that must be rather jarring and confusing. But that’s when you circle back to the question of is it better for everyone to stay in the marriage or to leave. What would be the point of staying?”

“Stability for the children?”

“Is it stable for them to grow up in an environment of resentment? And when the children have grown up and moved out? What’s holding them together? Spite?”

“Maybe,” she said, which in other circumstances might have been a joke he’d laugh at, but Stede suspected her tone was spiteful.

“But if he leaves, she can have her life, find love that she deserves. Everyone can be happy, after they get over the rough. Don’t you think?”

“And how long are they supposed to wait until it gets to that point? Should she just start cheating on her husband in that case?”

Stede narrowed his eyes at her. The conversation was starting to feel rather on the nose, and he thought uncomfortably about his argument with Ed. Had she heard any of…that? “Do you have something to tell me, Mary?” he asked evenly, raising an eyebrow. “On our wedding anniversary?”

Her mouth snapped shut and she peered back at him silently but with fire in her eyes. “I was just talking about hypotheticals,” she said finally. “I can’t say that book topic is very comfortable.”

Stede breathed deeply. “I imagine there are people out there who actually live that sort of thing. Those aren’t hypotheticals to them.” He looked up to see the waiter bringing their first course. “Ah, appetizers! Perfect timing.” After the waiter set their plates in front of them, Stede cheerfully raised his glass and clinked it with Mary’s. “Happy anniversary, darling.”

She hesitantly returned his smile. “Happy anniversary.”

When they arrived home from the dinner and sent the babysitter off with a generous payment, Mary gifted Stede a painting of a lighthouse that she’d done under the guidance of her instructor Doug. She was quite proud of it, and Stede could see the effort and talent put into it. Only begrudgingly he agreed to hang it in his office, fighting the grimace over how it would clash with the aesthetic in there. He sensed Mary caught a whiff of his feelings, as she turned a bit chilly toward him. They parted at bedtime, per the norm. While Stede flitted about his office testing the best place to put the painting, he very consciously avoided his laptop where Ed was just a click away. Not tonight, he thought. Not after all that talk over dinner. He thought of reading Lucius’s assigned novel, but now couldn’t bring himself to open the book, wondering if all those difficult thoughts Mary brought up—which were very much Thursday thoughts—would be in there. That was too heavy to mull over on a work night, so he mulled over Ed instead. Would he come to the library on Saturday?

By the time the Stitch n’ Bitch program started on Saturday, Ed had not arrived. Stede kept quiet about it, despite feeling Lucius’s eyes burning a hole in his crisp cotton shirt. Though Stede obviously didn’t want to talk about it, Lucius clearly did.

“Where’s Ed, Stede?” he asked, poking at Stede’s chair with his toes.

“How should I know?” Stede replied harshly.

“Well, maybe because you have his phone number and you talk all the time? Figured he would tell you if he’s showing up today or not. He will be behind in his knitting.”

“I think maybe he is skipping today. He’s a very busy man, Lucius. Surely you know that.”

“Yeah, I know that. But I also remember him saying his Izzy friend changed his schedule to make room for Stitch n’ Bitch. And speaking of bitch, you’re being rather bitchy this morning, but not in the cute way. Something wrong?”

“No,” Stede said curtly.

Lucius kicked at his chair again. “Have you had a spat?”

Stede turned to look at him, expecting a mocking expression, but instead Lucius looked genuinely concerned. Stede opened his mouth to speak and then shut it a couple of times before he managed to say through quivering lips, “I think it’s over.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Things just…got a little out of hand—” Stede gave an ironic “ha” at that “—between us. I’m not saying more than that. And, well, boundaries were crossed that ought not to have been, and now we’re not speaking.” He sniffled. “I miss him, Lucius. He was my best friend, and I was his, and I ruined it.”

“Listen, Stede. First, I’m sorry that happened. Second, Ed is really intense, like, all of the time, okay? Not sure if you noticed? I mean, yeah, when he talks to you he’s super dorky, but remember when you first met him, you walked into a bookcase because his entire vibe is kind of overpowering.”

“Okay,” Stede pouted.

“Well, I just think that someone like that isn’t going to suddenly drop you. He’ll be back. He just needs to cool the engines down, maybe release some pressure, lock up the inner demons that escaped. And then hopefully he will be ready to talk about it. And then you should really fucking talk about it. Yes?” They heard a sniff of derision somewhere behind them, followed by an exaggerated turn of newspaper pages. Lucius rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Mrs. Gorsche, won't happen again."

“I guess so,” Stede said, ignoring the old woman. But he felt doubtful. “And more on that, there was a blip in the ole anniversary celebration. Mary got bent out of shape about the novel you assigned. Almost caused a whole scene at the start of dinner over a story I hadn’t even read yet! And before you start in, I have read it, yes, in full for today.”

“Okay, but that’s not what I’m stuck on. Let’s reverse to the Mary bit. You told Mary about the plot of the book and she got upset?”

“Yes, it was very strange.”

“Mary, who told you to wear the green sweater, Mary?”

“What green sweater?”

“Fascinating,” Lucius said, whirling around back to his computer. He pulled up the Barnes & Noble website and started searching book titles. “Well, all of that is very complicated. Looks like we are bouncing around like a game of handball.”

“Lucius, are you truly surfing Barnes & Noble at a library?”

“Yes. I’m changing the book for July and there’s no time to do this the official way. So I am spending my own money, Stede. Do you see the work I am doing here? I’ll get it reimbursed, though. And Ivan can process them later. This is an emergency! I need to see if they have the title and then actually drive there on my lunch break to buy all their copies so I can pass them out this afternoon.”

“Why can’t you just wait until August?”

“I told you it’s an emergency.”

“I think that’s rather hyperbolic. What’s it even about?”

“It’s about gay grief, Stede. In this story, a man who has been married for a long time to a woman realizes he is gay after he meets a man and falls in love with him and—”

“But we’re covering that topic today already.”

“What can I say? It’s a popular subject. But! There’s more because it’s also about the grief that both the husband and the wife experience and how they overcome that. It’s very tumultuous stuff, Stede. Lots of confusing feelings that are sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes supportive. Ugh, I really do have to do everything around here. You’re lucky to have me, babe. I hope you’ll realize that. Also, you need to go buy me lunch since I’m spending my break to go buy this book.”

“Isn’t the subject a little heavy for the teens, though?”

“It’s good for them,” Lucius mumbled absently, picking up the phone to call the bookstore. He cheered when he managed to set aside ten copies. “I’m armed and dangerous, Stede. You know, I really ought to meet Mary. Compare notes.”

“Compare what notes?"

"Oh nothing," Lucius replied, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

"Well, she comes here every Sunday with the kids and me for Plant Club, which you very well know.”

“Yeah, but I really can’t be bothered to come all the way here on my one day off on the weekend.”

“All the way here? Lucius, you live within walking distance.”

“Not on Sundays, I don’t.”

Chapter Text

Sunday started a bit rough, with Mary in a mood. She had asked Stede what his new book for Lucius’s club was about and immediately snatched it from him when he told her, declaring that she wanted to read it. Stede suggested that she join the club, which, for some reason beyond his understanding, earned him a glare. He simply couldn’t do anything right this week, apart from successfully finishing the model boat with Louis. He managed, with great difficulty, to avoid Ed’s streams, and even stared at his phone a little less.

He was quiet during the part of plant club where several children were preparing plants for the now-open community garden, almost whispering directions to the children when they made some mistakes. In the corner of his eye he saw someone darken the doorway to the activity room, and when he looked up on reflex, his breath caught in his throat. It was Ed.

Ed looked surly and intimidating, standing there in his uniform of black jeans, black t-shirt revealing black tattoos on caramel skin, and boots, the same jewelry glittering on his fingers and ears, and, as Stede knew, in his tongue and belly button. His hair was loose about his shoulders in shiny luxurious waves. His large warm eyes were stormy, his lips curled down in a frown. In one of his hands he held a small flowerpot with small happy succulents and a nub of a cactus. Those stormy eyes held Stede’s gaze, and Stede gulped in dread mixed with sadness.

“Do you know him?” Mary asked, looking between Stede and Ed.

At that moment, Wee John also noticed Ed. “Oh wow! Hi, Ed! I never expected to see you here!”

Mary gasped. “That’s Ed?” she demanded, looking up at Stede in a mixture of fury and wonder. Stede was used to the fury, but not so much the wonder.

Ed slowly moved his eyes over to her before resting them on Stede again, then strode across the room with a confident gait despite the curious, even hostile stares he was getting from parents and awe he was inspiring in the children. “Hey, wait, you’re Wee John?” he asked, finally smiling.

“Yeah! Have we met before? Sorry, I don’t remember! But obviously I know you from your streams.”

“Yeah, I just put two and two together! The only maths I know!” Ed said with a chuckle. “You go by Calypso online, which I just realized is your stage name. You do drag with Jim over at the Revenge!”

“Oh, you’ve been there? Yeah! Been doing my act there for over twenty years now. Being a full-time children’s librarian is my side job,” he said, laughing.

“Yeah, your act is great, man. Well, I’m here because…uh, well my cactus seems to be dying. Thought you might want to take a look at it. Give me some advice.”

While Wee John inspected his very healthy cactus, Ed looked at Stede again. Stede couldn’t help but look back, despite knowing Mary was still staring at him with that bizarre mixture of emotions. He felt like a puppy longing for bacon and assumed he probably looked that way too, with the inner parts of his eyebrows turned up and his lip arranged in a pout.

Finally, Ed broke his gaze when Wee John gave him his assessment. “Actually, Ed, your cactus and your succulents look really great. It’s okay to be a bit nervous as a first time plant dad. But it looks like you’re doing a fantastic job.”

“Oh,” Ed said, taking his flowerpot back and looking down at it bashfully. “Okay, well, that’s great. Thanks a lot, John. I’ll, uh, leave you to the kids, then. See ya.”

“See ya. Maybe at the Revenge!”

“You bet!” Ed turned around stiffly and headed toward the door with tiny steps, glancing at Stede from the corner of his eye.

“Oh, for God’s sake, Stede. Just go talk to him,” Mary groaned, rolling her eyes and gesturing toward Ed.

Ed stopped close to the door when he heard her and waited for Stede to approach him. “Hello, Ed,” Stede said tentatively.

Ed half-turned and started picking at the paint on the door frame, and he said with unconvincing casual demeanor and without making eye contact, “Hey.”

They stood silently, Stede watching Ed continue to pick away at the paint even though there was nothing to pick away. He seemed determined anyway. Understanding that Ed had made the first move by coming to the library, very obviously using the perfectly growing cactus as a ruse to run into him, Stede realized it was his move now. “Would you like to talk, Ed?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” he answered with a shrug.

“Okay, maybe we can go outside. There’s a bit of courtyard where we can sit. It’s normally empty.”

“Sure, sounds nice.” He finally turned toward Stede, timidly raising his eyes.

Stede looked back at Mary and waved his hands around in a gesture that he hoped clarified he was just going outside to have a deep conversation with Ed about the nature of their friendship. She pressed her lips together in a line and gave a curt nod, immediately turning her back to him to help Alma and Louis with their activity. Stede led Ed by the elbow to the part of the courtyard that was set away from the community garden, somewhat hidden by bushes. He noticed Ed flinch when he touched him, and Stede made to draw his hand away at once, but Ed relaxed in his light touch. They sat side by side, which Stede realized was likely easier for both of them, because face to face felt too vulnerable. Neither spoke for what seemed like an eternity; communication seemed difficult for Ed and Stede wasn’t exactly sure where to start. Maybe with the hard things first.

“Ed, I’m sorry I crossed boundaries with you and made things confusing for both of us,” he blurted out, worried that it would be the wrong thing, even though he knew it was the right thing.

Ed took a deep breath. “I think maybe we were both wrong about all that, Stede. I’m the one who started it. I was talking about things you weren’t really ready to talk about, and I guess I kinda took advantage of that. And yeah, with you being married, neither of us should have done that. So, I’m sorry too. And I guess maybe I should have talked to you about it instead of lashing out and ghosting you.”

“Well, I think maybe I might have listened better rather than trying to come up with excuses that deflected my part in things.”

Ed have a single laugh that came out as an exhale through his nose. “Didn’t want to burn too hot and too fast, and that’s what I ended up doing anyway.”

“I should have respected that boundary more. You made it perfectly clear, and I just ignored you.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I also shouldn’t have been expecting things.”

“Maybe we should establish things, then. State the expectations and the boundaries, and stick to them and respect them, and amend after honest discussion.”

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. You start.”

Stede smiled patiently. “All right, well, I think first we should agree that we shouldn’t do that again.”

“Okay,” Ed said quietly.

“Maybe avoid late night text messages. And I shouldn’t text you during livestreams. Or comment on your body.”

“And I should maybe not text you during family time, so no Sundays or family dinner time. And I shouldn’t ask about personal things. But I’ll listen if you want to talk about them. And I should respect your wife more, because the things I said were…not great. I’m really sorry about that.”

“Thank you. And Ed, we should just be as honest as we can with each other. I say this because, well, I have a confession.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, but that’s not an excuse because I did. I saw your checkout history. The books you checked out in the past few years.” He chanced a look at Ed to see him contemplating his checkout history, his face twisted in concentration. Then realization dawned on him and he frowned.

“Guess you think I’m a big dummy then.”

“Absolutely not, Ed! I would never think that about you. I think you’re incredibly clever! But I did find those titles concerning. And very personal, and I thought I should tell you that I know about them. It’s an enormous breach of your privacy and a misuse of the database. I’m so terribly sorry.”

“They didn’t help me, though. Books for dummies couldn’t help me. I checked them out because therapy couldn’t help me either. A few years ago, I thought I’d give it a go. I always hear people talking about their therapists and shit. So I went to one. And she was young, just out of university it looked like. Maybe it was my fault because my first thought was I’m old enough to be her dad, so what’s this kid going to tell me about my life? But I talked anyway, and she just stared out the window. When I realized she wasn’t listening I started saying wild shit like I saw a swarm of bumblebees attack a cow and carry it off to a forest. And she just said, ‘How does that make you feel?’ and I got angry and just left. Didn’t even have the energy to yell about it. I saw online that sometimes you have to shop around to find the right fit, which I don’t think makes a whole lot of sense. If it’s their job to help, then they should all want to and be able to. Well, I tried it again, with some old guy. Figured he’s older, maybe knows more. But he just told me all my problems stemmed from being gay and I was like, fuck this guy. And I got up and left. I tried a third time, and that lady finally listened to me, and that was great. But the problem was she used all this therapy speak that sounded like she was talking in circles and said all these words I didn’t understand. So I thought, well fuck, now I have to research what codependency is, and childhood post-traumatic stress disorder, and self-compassion, and all that shit so that I can go back and know what the fuck she’s talking about. I found books with all those words at the library. I read all of them. A few of them I read a couple of times. But it was all so overwhelming. There were all these exercises, methods, this and that. It was too much stuff for me to do all at once, so I gave up on it. I just figured, fuck it. I’m broken. Can’t be fixed. That’s that.”

“Oh, Ed, I don’t think you’re broken and can’t be fixed. Please don’t think that about yourself.”

“There was some stuff she said that didn’t really make sense until I met you. Like the support system thing. Didn’t know what that meant until you were supportive. Had a whole lightbulb moment. Just need people to be my friend, really listen to me, encourage me, make me feel okay when I feel like shit, and not run away if I talk about feeling like shit. It really makes a big difference to feel supported. Like Izzy. I told you he and I have been friends for so long, but he can’t really handle my moods, and I started to get real moody after the high from shaving my beard wore off. Jack always complained that I was clingy. Both of them just wanted me to get over whatever I was going through. But yeah, Izzy’s advice was to get another living thing in my flat. He was kinda flippant about it, but it ended up being really good fucking advice.” He lifted his cactus to illustrate that point. “But yeah, Jack was also right, because I got clingy with you, like right away. Didn’t mean to. But I clung right on like a fucking tick and was draining all your energy and attention. And I just expected you to drop everything and come to me when I wanted you. Which is what made me realize what the fuck codependency is. Although, you’re not, like, manipulative or anything. You’re not any part of all that. That was more me and Jack and Izzy. But the same way I acted with them is how I acted with you. And the problem was you’re nice and want to be my friend because you like me, whereas they kinda need me to prove to them I’m enough as I am.

“And the CP...STD thing or whatever it's called, well, I guess that’s the root of all this shit. Why I don’t think I’m enough, why I always feel shitty about myself. It goes back to my dad, back in New Zealand. He used to hit my mom and me over anything. Drunk all the fucking time. My mom always tried so hard to protect me from him, to make sure she took the majority of it. But when I got bigger, I started fighting back. We lived on the water outside Wellington, and sometimes when he got drunk off his ass, he’d go out onto this pier and smoke his fucking cigarettes. One night, he hit my mom and dumped the food she made on the floor because he didn’t like it. Blamed her when she told him it’s all we could afford. I got so angry. I followed him out and just started hitting him. I was just a kid, Stede. Fourteen. I was tiny, but I felt big then. He lost his balance and fell into the water. Got stuck under the pier and he was so drunk that he couldn’t swim well. I just watched him. He kept trying to reach up so I would help him, but I didn’t. I just watched him drown. And I stared at his dead body for like half an hour before I went to tell my mom so she could call the ambulance. I was glad he was dead because he couldn’t hurt my mom anymore.”

“Oh, Ed, I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Stede said softly, absolutely broken-hearted for boy Ed. “That must have been so hard for you.”

“Well, yeah. Hence all my shit now,” he said with a bit of an ironic laugh. “Needless to say, I was doing pretty shitty in school. Hanging out with the kids who got high, you know, like marijuana. Barely graduated secondary school. Some modeling scout saw me and got me a little contract for work in the city and I started saving up to get the fuck out of there. I felt like shit because I was leaving my mom behind, but she wanted me to do it, to go be free, go try to be somebody. I saved up enough to come here, but I didn’t do fuck all when I got here. I was like twenty-one, and I got a job tending bar at a night club called Hornigold’s. Started growing my beard and hair then. As shitty as all that was, it did lead me here, so I guess I can’t complain too much. I met Jack and Izzy there. Izzy was the manager.” Ed was laughing genuinely now. “And you’ve seen Izzy on my streams. He was a right damn bastard, really knew how handle anything and everything. He’s really a great guy. Jack was Jack. Liked to party, got me partying. Drugs, booze, sleeping around with anything that moved, which sometimes included Jack, getting tattoos and piercings, but also playing video games just to vegetate during come downs.

“In 2011, that’s when Twitch launched. And Izzy…fuck, that little angry chihuahua is clever as fuck. He convinced me to start streaming, to catch that first wave and go for it. He got me out of Hornigold’s, had me sober up, clean up, use my charm and good looks—and those are his words, not mine—to get people in there. That’s when I became Blackbeard. And it fuckin’ worked. It took off, and that’s what I’ve been doing all this time. Soon added YouTube, and when Instagram and TikTok got big, we added those to my public profile. And then the fucking merch. Jesus fucking Christ. We opened a fucking store! Called it The Kraken Kompany, and my buddy Fang runs it. We’ve got all this shit in there that people fuckin’ buy like crazy. I sign autographs, make appearances at cons and other events. I’m on podcasts, I do ads and sponsorship and make use of my stupid former modeling job. It was crazy. And when I got really famous, I fell into partying again, fell in with Jack again, getting laid every night because everyone wanted the clout, and the stupid rivalry with Ned Low began. And Izzy would get furious if I was stoned or rolling or drunk off my ass, but shit, some of that was just to keep up with the schedule he set for me.

“Fuck, the fights we would get into would sometimes be so public. Like mid-stream I’d snort fucking cocaine. It was bad, Stede. And you can read about it on Wikipedia. There’s a whole page about me. But they don’t know about the shit with my dad. I’ve managed to keep that a secret. Finally, I just kinda snapped. Realized I was so fucking tired of all of it. I knew I had to clean up or I was gonna die this way. I’d turned forty and I was doing this stupid shit. So I made this whole video about how I realized I was being stupid and I was starting to work on getting better. Lost some subscribers because of that. Good riddance. Only following me to watch me self-destruct? Fuck them. And that’s another reason they blamed me for losing to Ned Low. They said if I was still on drugs and booze I wouldn’t have lost. I’m actually a better gamer sober, who knew? But some people, well a lot of people, were there for the drama. I think I lost like fifteen percent of my subs. Doesn’t matter though, because I still literally rake in millions. I donate a lot of it though. Send it to youth centers, like here in St. Augustine, loads of centers back in New Zealand, queer charities, rehab centers, domestic violence programs, all that stuff. And so people started following me for different reasons, because they just liked how I spend my earnings. Makes people feel good knowing their money is going to one of those places.

Tried all that therapy, tried the books, but mostly pushed through on my own. I guess it’s the best way I know how to push through stuff. But it’s made me so fucking tired, Stede. Then I came here, and I found you, and you’re just this fucking ball of sunshine. You’re sitting here listening to me say all this shit, and you’re not bored, you’re not staring off into space, or telling me there’s something wrong with me, or saying big words and expecting me to know what it means. You’re just listening, which makes me feel better. It feels soft. You give me stickers and Lego cactus men just because you think I’d like them. And you’re fucking right. But it also makes me scared because I don’t know how not to ruin things. I don’t want to lose you. I feel really happy with you. But then I almost did lose you, and it’s been such a shitty week. Fuck.”

Stede was taken aback by the struggles Ed had endured in his life, having never met anyone who had experienced any of those things, but he marveled at Ed’s resilience and fortitude. “Ed, first of all, I just want to point out that I’m completely in awe of how strong you are. You endured so much, and you’re still here fighting. That is so commendable, and you should be proud of yourself for that. I’m so sorry that you’ve struggled so much, and alone at that. But I’m also glad I can be here to listen to you when you need someone to just listen. I keep being reminded how little we know of each other. I think that we need to really take the time to learn about each other because I don’t want to lose you either. We’ve got our rules now, though.”

“Yeah,” Ed said softly.

“Friends again?” Stede asked, offering his hand for a handshake.

Ed looked at it for a moment before taking it. “Friends again.” Stede beamed at him and began to rise, but Ed interrupted him by asking, “Did you delete all that stuff?”

Stede lowered himself back on the bench, half turned toward Ed. “Well, yes of course. You asked me to, and I did. Would you like me to show you to confirm?”

“No, it’s okay. I believe you,” he replied in a somewhat sad voice, poking at one of the succulents. “Um. I didn’t. Delete all the messages, I mean. I kept a few. I’m sorry. I can delete them, though, if you want me to.”

Stede chewed anxiously on his lower lip. “Which ones did you keep?”

Ed pulled his phone out of his pocket, opened the messages, and shyly handed it Stede.

Stede: You’re my best friend too 🥰
Stede: I’m still here. Just listening and giving you time to say what you need to say.
Stede: I think you’re special.
Stede: Just being yourself earns it every day. That’s all you need to be for anyone, Ed. Being you is enough.
Stede: 🥰.

Stede smiled warmly at him, touched by the messages Ed saved. All of them were affirmations validating his worth. “No, Ed, I don’t want you to delete these. I want you to keep them.”

Ed grinned, taking back his phone. “So. Do I still get a sticker? I mean, I did come to the library today. Even though we’re outside now.”

Stede chuckled, rising at last. “Of course, Ed. Come on.” He led the way to the office in the Adult Department and rummaged through his pack of stickers. “Two, I think. One for coming here, the other to congratulate you on your very healthy cactus.” He was about to place the first one on Ed’s shirt but stopped and looked up at him. “Oh, I should ask if you prefer I give them to you unpeeled or if it’s still all right to stick them directly on your shirt.”

“I want you to stick them on. Kinda like when they pin medals of honor on soldiers. Or Boy Scouts even.”

Stede smiled and placed them both carefully onto Ed’s shirt. One read: You’re special! And the other read: I am enough. Ed’s eyes immediately welled with tears when he read them. “Stede, may I have a hug? Please?”

Stede had barely spread his arms before Ed was crushing him to his chest, holding on for dear life. Stede enveloped him tightly in return, patting his back when he heard him sniff tearfully. “Your hair smells really fucking good, mate. What the fuck do you put in it?” Ed said in a voice thickened by crying.

Stede laughed as they pulled away. “Oh I have an arsenal of products. I have a whole money laundering scheme that funds it. Don’t tell anyone.” His phone pinged! “Ah, shit. Mary’s taken the kids home for lunch because they were getting fussy, and I have to get an Uber.”

“I can give you a lift,” Ed said cheerfully.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’d love to.”

When they arrived at his very normal mid-size gray sedan, Stede started laughing. “Oh my God, Ed. I was not expecting this. I was expecting a motorcycle or some vintage Jaguar.”

Ed laughed. “Yeah, a lot of people do. I’ve had guys change their minds about coming home with me because I drive a normal shitty car that I bought used off Facebook Marketplace. They wanted me to be the biker dude of their dreams and would get so pissed when they found out I’ve never ridden motorcycle in my life. Too scared of road rash. Like, I’ve heard of people getting pretty much skinned alive down to their bones from that.” He shivered. “You disappointed?”

“Oh, definitely not. It would’ve ruined my hair!”

Ed whistled when he pulled up in Stede’s driveway. “Fuckin’ hell, man. You live in a mansion?”

“Oh, ah, yeah, big house. Parents bought it for us. I suppose they weren’t one hundred percent horrible. Would you like to come in?”

“No,” Ed said, rather quickly, and followed that with an apologetic smile. “Gotta get home is all. Streams to prepare for and shit. Which, by the way…I’ll see you back on my streams, yeah? The chat asks about you when you’re not there. They really like you. And miss you. Also, I wasn’t gonna say anything, but you being there is actually lucrative for me. People said they were subscribing because of you. So, you know, I need you in there. Gotta rake in my cash, Stede.”

Stede laughed, turning a little pink at the notion that he was so popular for once in his life. “Yeah, I’ll come back. Cause some trouble.”

“All right, then I’ll see you there. Bye, Stede. And thank you for today.”

“It was my pleasure, Ed. Thank you for coming in. I wouldn’t have really known what to do if you hadn’t.”

Just as Stede began walking toward his front door, his phone pinged! again. He assumed it was Mary, but Ed poked his head out his car window and called, “Check your messages!”

Stede pulled out his phone to see he’d received a text message from Ed.

Ed 🌵.: 🥰.

Chapter Text

The whole rest of Sunday, Mary continued to look at Stede strangely like she was trying to work out the mystery of universe while intermittently commenting and asking questions about Ed, such as “So that was Ed, huh,” and “What’s his full name?” and “He really stuck out like a sore thumb there,” and “Never expected that,” and “Those were a lot of tattoos and piercings,” and “His job is playing video games?” and “He has a New Zealand accent.” These questions and comments would pop up one at a time every hour or so, but she usually didn't wait for a response, and instead just went back to whatever she was doing, like cooking dinner, or folding laundry. Once, she was in the middle of brushing her teeth when she came in to ask something only to return to the bathroom before Stede could answer. He just shrugged each time and returned to his book, Far from the Madding Crowd, which would be discussed at next week’s book club meeting.

He was partly able to ignore these interruptions because he was internally screaming with happiness that he and Ed had worked things out. Furthermore, Ed wanted Stede back in the livestreams! And further-furthermore, he was inspiring people to subscribe, which was the opposite of what he’d been concerned about all this time. Already he was planning to bring his laptop back to work and have the stream open so he could get in there and hopefully cause some trouble. He checked his calendar on his phone where he had added Ed’s streaming schedule. 11am he would be there on the dot!

11am Monday morning could not have come soon enough, as Stede spent the first two hours juggling the three Badminton twins. First, Nigel came in to whine in advance about how late he was going to be with the monthly report. Stede was startled that he was already mentioning it, as Nigel seemed to forget on a monthly basis that it was part of his job at all. He went on with some sob story about pain in his right eye making it impossible to look at his computer for any length of time and that he suspected his optometrist would prescribe three weeks of work leave and therefore he would put in for his time away in advance, so as not to trouble anyone with doctor's notes. This put Stede in such a mood that he told Nigel a note would be imperative and if he didn’t bring one, he would give him permanent leave by cramming his Montblanc into his eye socket. Naturally, this was the wrong move, because Chauncey came tromping in like a bulldog a short time later demanding that Stede apologize or he would go to HR to report him, to which Stede responded with a surly “Go suck eggs in hell.” Then, his hands were duly tied when Beaumont wandered in two minutes behind his chest that he liked to puff out like a not-so-magnificent frigatebird. He threatened to unite the board to arrive at a vote of no confidence if Stede continued to resort to childish games. Stede relented and gave Nigel the time off and pointed out that he would have only one more week of allotted sick time for the rest of the year. Beaumont’s victory lap included criticizing Stede’s own eyesight for having overlooked that the pattern of his suit jacket did not match at the seams by a full centimeter under the left arm.

Groaning, Stede dragged his fingers down his face, leaving temporary white streaks, and then opened his laptop to log in to Ed’s stream. The screen was set on Stream Starting Soon after the ad ended, but it was only another minute before Ed was gracing the top right corner of his screen. He was back in that ponytail, but this time he was wearing a royal purple t-shirt with a v-neck. The color was absolutely striking on him.

stede: Hi, Ed! 👋.

Chat: “omg @stede is back!!!!!!!!!!” and “oh my heart I missed him so much” and “fuck yes! This chat’s been dead without him” and “who’s stede?” and “ugh I was enjoying the silence” and “not this fop again” and “the bean is back!” and “I’m so happy I logged in today!” and “I am so ready for whatever the twitch chat equivalent to makeup sex is” and “lmao you’re so right” and “I’m seateddddd 🍿”

Ed's grin could light up a room. “Hi, Stede! How are you?”

stede: Feeling a bit bitchy, as Lucius would call it.
stede: Had a right annoying morning dealing with some insubordinate subordinates.
stede: But all the happier for seeing you!
stede: I’ve never seen you in purple before!
stede: It’s a very nice color for you.
stede: I feel like this calls for an emoji.
stede: Let me find a purple one to suit the occasion.
stede: 🍆.

Ed buried his head in his arm, laughing until breathless while Stede smirked to himself and waited to see the Mt. Vesuvius level destruction he would cause in the chat. He believed he was getting the hang of things now. True to form, it was a monsoon of messages.

Chat: “I FUCKING MISSED THIS GUY!!!!!” and “jfc I didn’t know how much I needed this this morning” and “I blame this guy for me putting fucking periods after emojis. My friends make fun of me for it now” and “I love that he has fully claimed the bitch title” and “fucking hell the EGGPLANT whatttttttttt” and “no notes, perfect entrance” and “I so badly want to meet this guy irl” and “do you think he’s like this irl?” and “I hope so because I want to marry him” and “insubordinate subordinates lol I would both love and hate to work for this guy” and “I love that he just typed out his entire inner monologue about the emoji he was gonna use” and “thoughts and prayers for BB” and “fr I think he died 😂”

stede: I certainly hope Ed hasn’t died.
stede: I need him to be at book club next week so the older ladies will flirt with him again instead of me.

“Fucking hell, Stede,” Ed said, wiping tears from his eyes before picking up his controller.

Chat: “flirt with him AGAIN?” and “BB you didn’t tell us about the old ladies!” and “BB got a sugar mama now?” and “I mean, no shit old ladies are hitting on BB? What else are you gonna do?” and “Yeah, guys, I actually met BB before at a con and like, my knees were shattered ok?” and “ouch but these old ladies gotta be careful cuz they probs have knee replacements” and “HA yeah and insurance sucks so much ass that they won’t be approved for new ones” and “maybe @stede can replace the floor with gymnastics mats to soften the blow”

stede: Actually, Ed was quite shy about it all.
stede: They used their wiles to rope him in to the Stitch n’ Bitch program.

Chat: “the WHAT now?” and “wtf even is that??? 😂😂😂” and “well I mean we know what the bitch part means lol @stede” and “@stede is just relentlessly dropping BB lore” and “Frenchie is going to ban him for sure 😆”

stede: It’s a program for people who enjoy doing crafts. They meet and talk about whatever they want.
stede: Mostly gossip.
stede: Ed learned a lot about the sex lives of octogenarians.
stede: And lived to tell about it.
stede: Why don’t you tell us about it, Ed?
stede: Let me find another useful emoji.
stede: One moment.
stede: 😈.

“Thanks, Stede!” Ed cried loudly, feigning annoyance. He burst into giggles and had to pause his game so he could bury his face again.

Chat: “my mind is exploding! Where the fuck do I begin?” and “he’s killing us” and “no way” and “this is too much tea! I can’t keep up” and “HELP” and “💀💀💀” and “OMG ok he knows exactly what he’s doing now guys! The 😈???” and “what CRAFTS does BB dooooooooooooooooooooo????????” and “sex lives of octo what?” and “it means 80 year olds lol” and “ew what? 80yos fuck?” and “what else you gonna do at 80?” and “that’s straight up the way I want to die” and “are YOU 80? No one says straight up anymore” and “mind your elders, son” and “what did the old ladies tell BB about sex??” and “we have so much info but not nearly enough” and “you’re right! How do we have more questions after all those answers?”

stede: Ed’s knitting a scarf for Izzy.

Chat: “WHAT THE FUCK” and “Izzy get the fuck in here we need to know about the scarf!” and “excuse me you’re joking! bb is KNITTING a scarf FOR IZZY” and “I need to see this oh my god please” and “I BEG”

Ed was grinning and shaking his head in disbelief at the chat, his game still set on pause. Stede laughed to himself, adjusted his glasses, and continued to plot. This was a lot of fun!

“Edward, why the fuck aren’t you playing?”

“No, Izzy, don’t come over here! Don’t! Don’t! No no no, the worst timing, man.”

Izzy stepped into view and leaned across Ed to read the chat. Ed threw his hands up in resignation. “What the fuck?” Izzy exclaimed.

“I fuckin’ told you, mate,” Ed said, wiping tears from his eyes again.

Chat: “IZZY!” and “Izzy show us your scarf!” and “what color is it?” and “BB is keeping you warm Izzy” and “it’s so cute omfg” and “Izzy show us your scarf PLEASE!” and “oh my god what if it’s PINK” and “or RAINBOW” and “what if it has fucking feathers!” and “I don’t think you can sew feathers into a scarf?” and “BB can” and “wtf is all this shit?” and “izzy can you please make BB just play the game? Or I’m leaving” and “fuck off then bro” and “this isn’t an airport, you don’t need to announce your departure” and “yeah real fuckin original loser”

“Fuck off all of you,” Izzy complained, and stormed away.

“Scarf isn’t done yet, guys. And it’s unicorn yarn. No feathers, but thanks for the idea. Might use that. And yes, apparently eighty year olds do a lot of fucking. And Stede,” he said, pointedly looking at the camera, “you’re a fucking menace.”

stede: A polite menace. 😇.

Amid all the laughing and requests for that to be put on a t-shirt, Stede zeroed in on calicojack who wrote in the chat, “I really fucking hate this guy.” Immediately, Stede was incensed, remembering everything Ed had told him about Jack, and while he was riding the wave of his polite menacing, he thought he ought to put it to good use.

stede: It isn’t nice to hate people, calicojack.
calicojack: Oh you don’t want to play with me little man
calicojack: god your so fucking stupid you don’t even know how to @
stede: Perhaps. However, I do know the proper use of the word “your” and I’d be happy to teach you, since you seem to have trouble with that.
calicojack: fuck you who cares
stede: Certainly not you, I suppose. The merit of good grammar lies in the ability to communicate effectively.
calicojack: I don’t even fuckin know what your talking about
stede: Case in point. “You’re” is the proper word. It’s a conjunction of the pronoun and verb “you are”.
stede: Whereas “your” is a possessive, as in something belongs to you.
stede: I hope that helps.
calicojack: Eddie what the fuck is up with this guy

“Jack, you started it, man. Not my fault you went in unequipped,” Ed shrugged, contentedly playing his game.

calicojack: fine listen loser @stede
calicojack: dunno what you’re trying to do here
stede: Well done! You’ve used “you’re” properly!
calicojack: shut the fuck up!
calicojack: not sure if your fucking each other or what
stede: Oh, a shame. You did not use “your” correctly here. I’m sure if you keep trying, you’ll get it right.
calicojack: SHUT THE FUCK UP
calicojack: listen you fuckin shit eddie n I used to fuck ok man?
calicojack: I’m the best he ever had or will have
calicojack: so just remember that
calicojack: he’s always gonna think of me
calicojack: which means he’s always gonna be mine
stede: Ed’s past is Ed’s business, and I respect that.
stede: You might consider respecting that, too.
stede: And you should respect him as a person and not claim ownership over him.
calicojack: FUCK YOU

By now, Ed had paused the game again to read Stede and Jack’s interaction and gave a small smile of gratitude when Stede defended him. “Okay, guys, Jack’s been sent to time out again. So hopefully he learns some manners. Thanks, Frenchie. And thanks for sticking up for me, Stede. You’re the best, mate.”

stede: 🥰.

Just over half an hour following Ed’s stream, Stede’s phone pinged!

Ed 🌵.: You’re amazing
Ed 🌵.: Really missed you on the stream
Ed 🌵.: Also I spent about 5 minutes making sure I typed the right “you’re” 😂
Ed 🌵.: And thanks with all that about Jack
Ed 🌵.: He can be a complete asshole. I don’t really mind people knowing about us
Ed 🌵.: Jack and me, I mean
Ed 🌵.: He’s not the only person people know about
Ed 🌵.: People always fuck and tell in the chat
Ed 🌵.: Not so much now. Been awhile if I’m honest
Ed 🌵.: Anyway yeah Jack’s always been a bit possessive which doesn’t make sense because when we were together he’d get mad if I was around too much
Ed 🌵.: But when we’re not together he gets jealous
Ed 🌵.: I don’t really get that
Ed 🌵.: I’m sorry. Am I talking too much? Is this too much?
Stede: Of course it’s not too much, Ed.
Stede: I’m just waiting for you to say what you need to say.
Stede: I was quite rankled by his indecorous behaviour.
Ed 🌵.: Fucking hell oh my god. I’m so rude!
Ed 🌵.: I’m over here talking about me and didn’t even ask if you’re ok
Ed 🌵.: Are you ok?
Ed 🌵.: I’m sorry he came after you and said those things.
Stede: I wasn’t concerned about myself. I’ve dealt with considerably worse than someone with poor grammar and uncreative insults.
Stede: I was irritated by his behaviour toward you. Speaking so candidly and foully about your relationship without asking permission first.
Stede: The possessiveness is hardly the worst part of all of that, I find.
Stede: It was just dehumanizing, reducing you to the things he said.
Stede: You shouldn’t have to put up with that just because you go way back.
Ed 🌵.: Thanks Stede. I’ve also had a lot worse thrown at me 😂
Stede: You know something? Hearing—or reading rather—you say that makes me realize how much I allow people to disrespect me, because it’s always less than the worst I’ve gotten.
Stede: So I accept it as “fine”. But it’s not fine. Even the tiniest degree of it is not fine.
Stede: That applies to both of us.
Ed 🌵.: Fuck Stede. You’re right
Ed 🌵.: Get so used to shit that you don’t even know when it’s bad anymore
Ed 🌵.: You see? You’re a fucking ball of sunshine! 🌞
Stede: Well thank you, Ed! Happy to shed light on the situation. 😉.
Ed 🌵.: YOU’RE SO SILLY 🤣
Ed 🌵.: Shit Izzy’s nagging me for the next thing on the schedule
Ed 🌵.: Keep menacing politely 😁
Stede: I shall do. 🥰.
Ed 🌵.: 🥰

Chapter Text

Throughout the week, work was a tedium of Chauncey and Beaumont spending too much time in his office for reasons unknown, but the exposure helped Stede to improve his skills of ignoring them, of course with the side effect of not knowing why they were in his office all day anyway. On Thursday, he’d gotten so good at ignoring them that he watched Ed’s stream and participated in the chat while Beaumont spent an entire coffee break criticizing the cut of Stede’s lapels and wondered if periwinkle dupioni silk was really appropriate for a Thursday afternoon in a corporate office, especially with those socks. Luckily, the benefit to irritating Stede to the point of him gritting his teeth until his jaw ached was it elevated the eloquence of his cutting replies to Jack, who had returned to the chat just to “troll” Stede with unremarkable insults. Further benefits appeared in the form of Ed’s gleeful laughter and encouragement from other viewers.

Beaumont was too much in love with the sound of his own nasally voice to notice Ed’s charming giggle, but Chauncey was practically climbing over Stede’s desk to find out what was happening on his computer. Stede had to explain to the chat why his comments were riddled with spelling errors, informing them he was typing one-handed because he was trying hold back a bald, birthmarked pit bull with the other hand. And then he had to explain what that meant because naturally the chat had never encountered Chauncey and would not otherwise have understood that it was as an accurate description as anyone could make.

At home, Mary was reading the book Lucius had assigned, and he was confused why it was taking her this long to read it. Like him, Mary was an excellent reader and could finish a book like that within a couple of days. Every now and again she would lower the book and stare at him. He surmised that perhaps it was so dull that she was struggling to get through and needed to rest her brain between pages. But then on Wednesday, he was confused because he came home to find her crying, the book in her lap. By then he was beyond perplexed and wondered, was the book both dull and moving simultaneously? Had she finally gotten to a point where the book became interesting? He asked her what was wrong and she answered only, “It’s this book.” No further explanation, so Stede left her to it.

On Saturday morning, Lucius asked him how he was enjoying the book, and when Stede told him he hadn’t started reading it because Mary wanted to read it first, Lucius smiled like the Grinch upon coming up with his plan to steal Christmas. Before Stede could ask what that meant, an aged hand dropped a brick wrapped in aluminum foil onto their desk. It was Mrs. Gorsche and she declared pleasantly that she’d made them a pound cake. After she went off to read her newspapers, Stede knocked it against the desk and Lucius quipped that now he understood why it was called a pound cake. Curiosity had gotten the better of them, so they unwrapped it and inspected it closely like two surgeons observing physical symptoms of a newly discovered disease. Stede bravely hacked off a piece by using a pen and stapler as chisel and hammer.

“Is that a dog hair?” Stede whispered in alarm.

“Cat, probably,” Lucius said. “Sergeant Pennyworth. He’s a ragdoll cat. I only know this because she’s bored me with photos she took with her camera that’s from the 1980s. All the photos are blurry and crooked, too.” Lucius sighed. “We suffer.”

Stede slid the pound cake to a shelf under the desk. “We’ll throw that away after she leaves, but for now we will keep it here so she thinks we’re chipping away at it.”

“Literally,” Lucius added, sweeping the bit Stede had broken off into the trash can. Stede watched the sad remains fall to the bottom and disappear into the folds of the black plastic bag.

“Hey!” a familiar cheerful voice sprang up in front of him.

“Ed!” Stede chimed, immediately reaching for his bag of stickers.

“Quick question!” Ed began right away. “Well, it’s not really a question now that I think of it. I finished one of the books for Summer Reading Club and I wrote a review. But I wasn’t sure how long it was supposed to be. So, if I need to redo it that’s fine.”

“Oh!” Stede answered. “It doesn’t have to be terribly long. Most people submit a maximum of two hundred fifty words, which is mostly summary, and then write one sentence saying whether they liked it or not. It’s not meant to be a university English course homework assignment. I’m sure what you’ve composed is fine. Did you bring it today?”

“Two hundred fifty words, huh?” Ed said, pulling a paper folded in quarters from his back pocket. Only it wasn’t a paper, it was three papers. Ed had written an entire essay in three pages! With a hint of pride, he attempted unsuccessfully to smooth it out on the desk.

“Ed, you’ve written at least twelve hundred words here!” Stede exclaimed, taking the document and turning each page like it was a fragile antiquity. Lucius was at his side in the blink of an eye.

“Wow, Ed!” Lucius said.

“Is that bad? Do I need to redo it?”

“No!” Stede and Lucius cried at once.

“No, Ed, this is incredible!” Stede continued. “No one has ever taken it this seriously before. I’m excited to read it!”

“Fuckin’ great, man! I was worried I did it wrong,” Ed said, laughing. “I don’t know if it will be interesting because it’s about video games. I hope it’s an okay book to write about. I was really excited to read it.”

“Oh please,” Lucius said dryly. “You could write about the dictionary and Stede would find it the most fascinating thing he’s read.”

Stede glared at him. “Ed, I’m looking forward to reading it because I’m certain your enthusiasm will shine through the pages and be engaging even to a layperson such as myself. And now for your sticker!” He brought out his sticker pack and poked through for a fitting one and placed it on Ed’s shirt. You did it!

Ed grinned broadly, and Stede was so lost in it that he didn’t see the other man sneaking up behind Ed. He grabbed Ed’s waist and pulled him back against his body. “What the fuck?!” Ed yelled in surprise.

Mrs. Gorsche hissed from some corner of the library, and Stede and Lucius glanced over at her. “She’s starting to sound more and more like Sergeant Pennyworth every day,” Lucius remarked.

“What the fuck, Jack!” Ed said, pushing the other man away.

Stede stood up stiffly, feeling adrenaline shoot like fireworks throughout his body. This was Jack? He was taller even than Ed, with limp hair the color of wet sand that hung about his ears and a goatee with a particularly generous mustache. There was a shifty look to his light olive eyes that made Stede feel uneasy. Though he was missing a cowboy hat, he looked like he was about to headline for a third-rate country music singer. Stede exchanged glances with Lucius, who leaned forward to study the spectacle. This was Jack? The one Ed had slept with off and on for the past twenty years? Stede was struggling to wrap his head around it.

Jack gave Ed a sleazy grin and stepped back into his space, flinging an arm around his shoulders. Ed pushed him off again. “What are you doing here, Jack?”

Jack shrugged and eyed Stede. “Called Izzy to ask where you were. He said you were probably here to see Steve. Thought I’d come by. Figured maybe I should meet him.”

“Jack, if you’re here to cause trouble—”

“’Course I’m not!” he said, clutching a hand to his chest to mime being deeply offended. He turned to Stede, hostility very clear not only in his eyes, but also in his entire demeanor. “So you’re Steve?”

“Stede,” he replied with a chilly calmness he didn’t feel. He kept his hands balled into fists at his side so no one would notice them shaking.

“Yeah, all right. Stede. Thought I’d meet you man to man. Since you seem to be so sure of yourself on a keyboard.” When Stede didn’t reply, Jack looked at Ed and then noticed the sticker on his shirt. “The fuck is this?” He peeled it off before Ed could stop him, rolled it into a ball, and chucked it across the floor. “Eddie, man, what’s happened to you? Fuckin’ stickers on your shirt? Real mature.”

Immediately when the sticker was ripped from his shirt, Ed just deflated in front of them all. His face took on a pale cast, suffused with a deep sadness. His shoulders slumped, he folded in on himself, and bowed his head, cowed into silence. Watching Ed shrink before him, Stede began to realize how far down Ed’s trauma went, how effective it still was at swallowing him whole.

“Get out!” Stede exclaimed furiously before he even knew the words had left his mouth. He could feel heat coloring his face and chest, which deepened when Jack laughed at him.

“What? You can’t kick me out. It’s a public place,” Jack said with a sneer.

“I most certainly can! Public places don’t give you liberty to be an asshole!” Stede was stunned by what he was saying. “I will call the police if you don’t leave immediately.”

The sneer dropped from Jack’s face as he contemplated an encounter with the police, and Stede knew he had him. “Fine. I don’t give a shit. Come on, Eddie, I’m gonna take you out of this stupid shithole,” Jack said, wrapping an arm around Ed’s waist. “Come on baby, I’ll take you home.”

“No, but—” Ed began, but his voice caught in his throat and he couldn’t finish his sentence. He looked at Jack, shell-shocked and frozen in place.

Jack stroked his cheek with a tenderness Stede didn’t find convincing. “Yes, I’ll get you home, babe. I took an Uber here, so I’ll drive your car.”

“But—” Ed looked to Stede, but before Stede could take Ed's hand, Jack yanked him away. “I’ll text you!” Ed managed to choke out before relenting to Jack and walking out of the library.

Lucius rested a hand on Stede’s shoulder. “You can’t save him Stede. He’s got to figure out that mess on his own.”

“But Lucius, you saw what I saw!”

“I know, babe. That was all kinds of bad, but he’s an adult and he needs to be in control of his own life. It’s not your responsibility and it’s also not fair to either one of you to play savior. You need to let him be responsible for himself, no matter how hard it is.”

Stede pouted the whole rest of the weekend, sending Ed message after message to ask if he was all right, but none of them were received. He checked Ed’s streams, but they were canceled all Saturday and Sunday. He was so worried that he could barely focus during Plant Club on Sunday, nor could he sleep without tossing and turning every half hour. Not even within an hour of getting into the office on Monday morning, Stede’s phone rang. He almost dropped it when he saw the call was from Ed.

“Ed! Oh my God! Ed, are you all right? I’ve been so worried about you!”

Ed sighed. “Yeah,” he replied, sounding thoroughly exhausted. “I’m sorry I went MIA and made you worry about me. I probably should have contacted you like I said I would. But Izzy.” He sighed again. “Izzy took my phone away and shut it off and canceled my streams. I asked him to cancel today, too, and he gave me back my phone.”

“Ed, I’m sorry about what happened at the library. What happened after?”

Ed sniffled, and Stede could tell he must have been crying. “Stede, nothing happened. Between Jack and me, I mean. We didn’t sleep together, I promise. I feel so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Stede said emphatically.

“I just…broke. I don’t even know how that happened. It was so fast. He tore off the sticker and I just felt so small. So stuck. Like I couldn’t even think. And I just shut down.” He started crying again. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing you need to apologize for, Ed.”

“I’m still pretty messed up, I guess, huh? Well, anyway. Izzy and Frenchie were in my flat waiting for me to come back to set up the stream. And Izzy took one look at me and freaked out. He read the situation instantly the second he saw Jack. Kicked him out of my flat, told him if he ever came back he’d sic Fang on him. Made Frenchie ban him on Twitch and blocked him on social media. He could always make new accounts, but Izzy doesn’t think he’s that motivated.” He laughed a little. “Izzy may be hard on me, but he’s got my back when it matters, and Jack knows not to mess with him.”

Ed took two deep breaths. “And Izzy wanted me to take days off because I wasn’t in a right state to be online. It was really nice to have that break. I—I miss you. I know you’re at work, but…no, never mind.”

“Ed, tell me.”

“I shouldn’t ask this, but do you think maybe we can meet up today? I’ve kinda been curled up on my kitchen floor trying to convince myself not to eat my weight in ice cream. Maybe going outside would be good, but I don’t want to go outside alone. Does that make sense? It’s okay if you can’t. I’ll—I’ll be fine.”

“Nope, I’m coming to pick you up right now. Tell me where, and I’ll be there in an hour.”

As soon as Stede wrote down the address and hung up, he was shooting out of the office like a torpedo, barreling through anyone who tried to talk to him, even shutting up Chauncey with a steely glare. He made a quick stop at the library to choose a new sticker for Ed to replace the one that was torn from him and pulled up to Ed’s building. Stede had expected luxury apartments, knowing that Ed made very good money, but it was just a normal well-made building perfect for middle class families. Ed was already waiting outside, sitting on the building’s front steps and hugging his knees to his chest. He climbed slowly to his feet and whistled when he saw Stede’s BMW.

“Fancy!” he exclaimed when he sat in the front seat with a smile that brightened the pallor of his face. His eyes were glassy, puffy, and red from a weekend of crying. He was wearing black joggers and an oversized gray t-shirt, and his hair was in pigtail braids that rested over his chest. He tugged on each one when he saw Stede smiling at them. “Hair was a mess, and I haven’t washed it, so I stuck it in braids and called it a day.”

“My daughter would love your hair. She likes to wear that hairstyle too.”

He looked over Stede’s suit and whistled again. “Fucking hell, is this what you wear to work? You look amazing! I feel like I should go change my clothes.”

Stede looked down at his mauve suit and laughed. “I’m probably the one who should change, based on where I’m taking you.”

“And where are you taking me?”

Stede smiled. “I’ll leave it a surprise.”

When they pulled up into the parking lot of the nature preserve, Ed sighed in awe. “It’s been a really long time since I’ve been out here! Good plan, Stede. Can’t get air more fresh than this.”

They walked in easy silence through the prairie where the wild flowers were already in bloom. When Stede realized Ed was brooding, he nudged him. “Hey, you all right?”

“Ah, yeah. I was just thinking about Jack and me. I feel a bit sad that it ended like that after knowing him and being good friends for twenty years. You know, that’s a long time. Hard to just break things off with someone after so long, even if it’s for the best. You share too much with each other and it’s hard to see it just stop.” Ed stopped walking and looked out over the prairie. “But then I remembered what you said. Just because a bad thing isn’t the worst thing, it doesn’t mean you should accept it. And when I thought of that, it made it easier to let go.”

“I’m proud of you, Ed. And,” Stede said, rummaging in the inside pocket of his blazer and pulling out the sticker. “I’m re-awarding you the sticker you lost.” He affixed it to Ed’s shirt. I can do hard things!

“Thanks, Stede,” Ed said quietly.

“Well, not so fast! Let’s see how much of that Native Plants of the Midwest book you’ve retained. What’s that flower?” Stede asked, pointing to a small pastel blueish-purple flower.

Ed thought for a moment. “It’s a chicory!”

“Quite right,” Stede exclaimed. He glanced around nervously, laid a finger against his lips with a shush! and plucked one of the flowers. “We’re not allowed to do that, but I’m feeling rebellious today. Some people say that the chicory stands for endurance. I think you embody that today.” He carefully pushed the stem through one of Ed’s braids, enjoying the feel of his silky soft hair. “There we go. Look at that. The color is absolutely beautiful against your hair.”

He looked up to see Ed moved by the gesture. “Stede, why are you so good to me?”

“I suppose it’s because I like you, Ed.”

Ed delicately ran his fingers over the soft petals and glanced shyly at Stede through his eyelashes. “I like you, too, Stede.”

Chapter Text

Stede’s phone pinged! about five minutes after his lunch break began. He snatched it up, thinking it might be Ed, but it was Mary.

Mary 👩‍🎨: I looked up your friend Ed online
Mary 👩‍🎨: When you told me his full name I thought it sounded familiar
Mary 👩‍🎨: He’s pretty famous
Stede: Hi, Mary. 😊.
Stede: Yes, Ed is quite famous. I’m not surprised you found him online since that’s what he’s famous for. 😂.
Mary 👩‍🎨: I remembered seeing his name somewhere else, though
Stede: Okay. Are you going to tell me, or…? Why the mysterious messages?
Mary 👩‍🎨: 😑
Mary 👩‍🎨: I’m assuming you’ve seen his Insta?
Stede: His what?!
Mary 👩‍🎨: Instagram 🙄
Stede: Oh! No. I mean, I don’t even have an account.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Right, well anyway. Like, he’s a model???
Stede: Oh he mentioned doing that when he was younger.
Mary 👩‍🎨: He was in GQ and Forbes, Stede!
Mary 👩‍🎨: OMG he didn’t tell you about that?
Stede: No, I think he’s really quite humble and doesn’t go around talking about these things. He actually doesn’t really like the social media.
Mary 👩‍🎨: The 😂
Mary 👩‍🎨: How are you so old at only 46?
Stede: 🙁.
Mary 👩‍🎨: He cleans up nice, by the way
Stede: Oh?
Mary 👩‍🎨: Yeppppp
Mary 👩‍🎨: Didn’t expect that at first after I saw him because he looks like some goth princess
Stede: I’m going to tell him you said that. 😂.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Would he disagree?
Stede: Probably not.
Mary 👩‍🎨: But yeah. Suits? Good look. Maybe you should get an IG. You can follow him. You can follow me on there too and like all my paintings
Stede: I don’t know. Seems rather intrusive. And I do like your paintings.
Mary 👩‍🎨: 🙄
Mary 👩‍🎨: I don’t have the energy to explain social media to you right now
Mary 👩‍🎨: He also used to have a really impressive beard! Have you seen photos of it??
Stede: Yes, actually in his library card photo he still has his beard. It’s why he’s called Blackbeard.
Mary 👩‍🎨: And he likes men, right?
Stede: You mean romantically? Yes.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Hmmm yeah seems to like them a lot. I haven’t seen the same one on his arm twice in these photos
Stede: That’s not really our business.
Mary 👩‍🎨: No, I’m not judging! Just intrigued is all
Mary 👩‍🎨: You know, compared to how you talk about him vs. his social media
Mary 👩‍🎨: You got him to grow cactuses? And to come to the library to read 19th century literature?
Stede: Yes, he’s been doing very well.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Interesting
Mary 👩‍🎨: So the other thing I found is he’s the CEO of The Kraken Kompany
Stede: Yes, he told me about that as well.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Did he tell you he donates regularly to the St. Augustine Youth Center?
Stede: Oh yes, he mentioned it in passing.
Mary 👩‍🎨: And you didn’t think to mention that to me? Since I, like, work there and stuff?
Stede: Oh, sorry! I guess it hadn’t occurred to me.
Mary 👩‍🎨: 🙄😑
Mary 👩‍🎨: Stede, he built a whole trust fund for us. It’ll be operable for like 100 years
Stede: 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮!
Mary 👩‍🎨: And he also funded our tech center
Mary 👩‍🎨: Remember when I told you a few years ago we got massive donations of computers and video game consoles and accessories? And desks and gaming chairs and all that?
Stede: Yes.
Mary 👩‍🎨: That was him. Plus additional funding to expand the building and to upgrade the server
Mary 👩‍🎨: I couldn’t believe it
Mary 👩‍🎨: This guy you just randomly met at the library with tattoos and long hair and ears covered in piercings and who plays video games for a living
Mary 👩‍🎨: I just had no idea. Never would have guessed he’d be some ultra rich philanthropist famous model businessman
Mary 👩‍🎨: And you have him growing cactuses and reading old books
Stede: He’s learning to knit, too! And he writes really great book reviews for Summer Reading Club.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Amazing. And Lucius has met him?
Stede: HA! Yes.
Mary 👩‍🎨: What does he say about Ed?
Stede: He seems to like him. He called us both Muppets, though. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
Mary 👩‍🎨: I think that’s a good thing
Mary 👩‍🎨: And Ed seems to like kids in theory since he funds youth centers. What about in practice?
Stede: Ummm…not sure I understand?
Mary 👩‍🎨: Is he good with kids?
Stede: Oh, I’m not sure. I’ve never seen him interact with any.
Mary 👩‍🎨: But he’s a good man, it seems like
Stede: He’s had a troubled life, but I would wholeheartedly agree with you that he is, in fact, a good man.
Mary 👩‍🎨: Ok good
Mary 👩‍🎨: I’ll let you get back to whatever you’re doing. I have a lot to think about
Stede: Oh? About what?
Mary 👩‍🎨: Just stuff
Stede: Well, I hope when things are more concrete you’ll let me know if I can help?
Mary 👩‍🎨: You bet.
Mary 👩‍🎨: By the way, you really need to read that book Lucius assigned
Stede: I will, I will! Lucius hounds me enough, so you don’t have to join him.
Stede: Did you enjoy it?
Mary 👩‍🎨: It was elucidating
Mary 👩‍🎨: Anyway. See you at home 🙂
Stede: You too, darling. 😊.

On Saturday morning, Lucius stood with one hand on his hip and the other rhythmically tapping a pencil on the counter while he watched Stede sort through his sticker pack. “Mary said the book was elucidating? In what way?”

“She didn’t say,” Stede answered distractedly.

“You didn’t ask?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

Stede inspected a sticker of a happy sun. Be the brightest star! He shook his head and dropped it back in the bag. “Hmm?”

“Why didn’t you ask Mary why she found the book elucidating?” Lucius pressed.

“Oh, um. I guess it didn’t occur to me.”

“How would it not occur to you? You like talking about books!”

“Books I’ve read, Lucius, and yes, before you start, I will read it.” He made a sound of irritation. “God, now I have these demands coming at me from both fronts.”

“What does that mean?”

“Why does everything have to mean something?”

“Because it does mean something! So? What does that mean?”

“It means Mary told me I need to read the book. As if I’m not the one who brought it home to read for a book club I participate in every month. Eureka!” Stede cried, pulling out the sticker he would give Ed when he arrived.

“I should be canonized as a saint when I die because of the patience I need to deal with you. I’m going to reshelve these books.” Lucius wheeled away a small cart of books whose checkout history he had been inspecting.

Stede gazed in boredom toward the door, waiting for Ed to appear. He wondered if Ed would come in for Stitch n’ Bitch again, even though he skipped the previous meeting. Had he given up his knitting in the wake of all that mess? Stede perked up when Ed came into view, wearing a purple v-neck t-shirt, leather pants, his hair half up, and—oh God. The glasses. In person. Stede released an unnaturally loud exhale as Ed pushed open the door and approached with a broad smile. He was slowly swinging a plastic grocery bag in one hand

“Stede!” he exclaimed as though it had been months since they last saw each other.

“Ed!” Stede replied with equal, or even a touch more, enthusiasm. “Glasses today?” Stede raised his finger to his eye to illustrate the point and accidentally poked himself in the eye.

“Ah, yeah. I found it’s easier when I knit because sometimes it feels like I get wool fibers in my eyes if I wear contacts.”

“Oh excellent! You’re going to resume the Stitch n’ Bitch program!”

He plopped his bag with a wool mass stuck through with needles on the counter. “Yeah, I’ve got a lot to bitch about. And I need Ruthie to check my stitches.”

Stede smiled warmly. “You’ve been keeping up with the scarf then?”

“Well I have to, don’t I? Izzy changed my schedule just so I could make this for him,” he replied laughing. “Wanna see how it looks so far?”

“Absolutely yes!”

Ed pulled a square of wool knitted with stitches varying in looseness and tightness. “I’m really slow, so I haven’t gone very far. Sometimes it feels like my fingers are too big for this.”

“But Ed, you’re doing so well! This looks wonderful already. I can see it will be very warm and pretty when it’s done.”

“You think so?”

“I know so. And on that point, I have the perfect sticker for you!” Stede picked up the sticker from where he had placed it on the desk while he waited for Ed and pressed it onto his soft purple shirt. I can do anything!

Ed shifted side to side with a little wiggle of glee. “I fuckin’ can do everything!”

“That’s the spirit!” Stede said, with a swing of his arm. “That reminds me! Mary was quite impressed with you.”

The smile slid from Ed’s face. “What? What do you mean?”

“She looked you up on Instagram.”

“Oh?” Stede heard this in stereo because Lucius suddenly materialized beside him. Ed’s “oh” was a bit concerned whereas Lucius’s “oh” was dripping with desperation to know more. Stede sighed and shot Lucius a dirty look.

“Yes, she mentioned she looked you up because your name sounded familiar, and she discovered that you provide a lot of funding to the Youth Center. She works there. And yeah, she seems to have looked through your Instagram quite a bit. I really hope that’s not a problem. I can talk to her, if you’d like, in case you’re upset about that.”

“I’m not upset. It’s a public account.” Ed shrugged, but Stede suspected the nonchalance was heavily forced.

“Let me get this straight…well, ha,” Lucius began, settling back onto his chair. “Mary read the book, found it elucidating, wants you to read it, looked up Ed, stalked his Insta, and?”

“And what?” Stede demanded.

“What does she think of Ed from all that?”

“Ah!” Stede said, lighting up. “She thinks you seem like a good man. Wants to know if you’re good with kids, actually.”

“Ahhhhhhhhh!” Lucius groaned, bouncing in his chair like it was on fire. “Oh my Goooooooooood! I can’t right now. Fuck, Stede. This isn’t faaaaaairrrr.”

“What are you whining about?” Stede asked, looking at Lucius like he was radioactive waste.

“Well, well, well,” a woman’s voice sprang up behind Ed. Evelyn slithered an arm around Ed’s waist as she stepped beside him. “Hi, honey, you’re back, huh? Couldn’t keep you away from all the girls if I tried, isn’t that right?”

Ed smiled shyly and bowed his head. “Hey Evelyn. Yeah, sorry I missed last meeting.”

Evelyn dismissively waved her well-manicured fingers. “Oh don’t worry about all that, hon. It’s a 'walk in when you want' kind of program. I know Lucius and Stede like to run a tight ship with their book clubs, but you can do what you want in mine. Did you bring your knitting, sweetie?”

Ed fluffed the yarn in his bag. “Yeah, if you can call it that.”

“We’re going to need to get you a nice knitting bag, hon. Your needles are going to tear right through this. All right, are you ready? I know Doris is coming today and you’ll make her mighty happy, especially in those sexy glasses. You big flirt,” she teased him.

Evelyn patted his hand, grabbed his wrist with unexpected strength, and dragged him away to join the program. Stede watched, amused, when a couple ladies from the program were coming into the library and started acting like schoolgirls when they saw Ed. They hugged him and pawed at him, laughed with him, and then pulled him into their lair out of sight. When the program ended, Stede asked Ed to join Lucius and him for lunch in the breakroom while Evelyn covered the desk.

“Those old ladies love you. Are you, like, their adopted son now or what?” Lucius asked, snacking on baby carrots.

“Adopted son? Not sure that’s the right word based on the looks they give me,” Ed said, laughing. “Adopted something, maybe. Look what Ruthie gave me.” He pulled out a worn, well-used paperback featuring a shirtless man with short, wavy blond hair, and a woman in a purple dress barely containing her bosom who was clutching the man's thighs. Both were on the deck of a ship and there was a large moon behind them. “The Gentleman Pirate,” Ed said, giggling. “It’s a romance novel and Ruthie told me to read it. So I’m gonna read it for my third book review.”

“Blond, huh?” Lucius smirked at Ed, who answered with a shrug and sly half-smile.

Stede raised an eyebrow at the cover. “Third review? Did you already write a second one?”

“Oh yeah!” Ed said, pulling a crumpled few pages from his grocery bag. “I wrote one for today’s book, Stede. I wrote it in advance because I thought it would be cheating if I wrote it after the discussion.”

Stede took the papers and marveled at the care Ed put into writing almost four pages this time. “Ed, this is absolutely astounding.”

Ed bowed his head shyly. “Aw, thanks Stede. I want to do a good job, you know? So that you know I’m taking it seriously and enjoying it and not just watching the movie.”

Stede felt pride swell within him at Ed’s words, and even more so at the book club meeting when Ed pulled his book out of his grocery bag, festooned with color-coded sticky notes. Pride swelled in him yet again when Ed told him he’d gotten his tea just right: a dollop of milk and seven sugars. Ed admitted this book took him some time to push through, but Stede reassured him by telling him Far from the Madding Crowd was a challenging book and he was proud of Ed for completing it. As with the meeting for Persuasion, Ed effortlessly steered the conversation down a more intellectual path, for which Stede was eternally grateful. Ed even asked if he could share with them part of his book review, which Stede encouraged energetically.

“So, Stede, I was thinking about what you said last time, that this book was more about masculinity. At first, I wasn’t quite getting it because all these guys are chasing after one girl who runs her own farm, which is pretty big news in those days. And then I started to think about how all the guys approached their desire for the girl, Bathsheba, in different ways. One guy, the soldier guy, is the typical creep who preys on strong women because they like to win them like prizes and then break them down. Then Mr. Boldwood is the definition of the simp who clings on even when he’s been rejected, and acts like a nice guy so that she’ll finally say yes and then again it’s this prize scenario. He cares more about the chase than her as a person. And then there’s Gabriel Oak, who is actually the main character even though the story centers around Bathsheba. He proposed to her first, and she rejected him, and then he was just like ‘Cool, okay, I wish you all the best.’

“He’s a reserved and proud person, but proud in the sense that he cares about people respecting him and he won’t chase after someone who doesn’t want him. He’s the sort of person who proves friend zoning doesn't actually exist, because even though he does have feelings for Bathsheba, he also respects their friendship and prefers to cultivate that rather than issue an ultimatum and try to diminish her for the sake of his ego. He waits, but he’s not a simp like Mr. Boldwood, who seems to be more invested in the getting and not the having, and he’s not pretending to love her just so he can sleep with her and mooch off her like Sergeant Troy. He just really respects her as a person and would prefer to be real friends at the expense of his heart. And he stands by her as a friend despite thinking her taste in men sucks, and steps back and lets her make her choices without trying to mansplain shit. Like, he knows she’s making mistakes, but he respects her enough to be able to handle things on her own. Until all the tragic circumstances finally let them be together at the end. It looks at how the true measure of a man is one who is patient, reserved in that he doesn’t throw around how smart or strong or talented he is. He really respects himself and lets his work and character speak for themselves.

“Based on the previous two books, and probably ones before those that you all read, romance stories of this time seem to be about the woman waiting, but this shows that it’s not emasculating for men to wait, too. He’s not falling over himself to get her because his pride is hurt by rejection, or because he wants the girl for the sake of getting the girl. But Gabriel sees her as a human who is worthy of respect and friendship. There are all these so-called alpha men nowadays that think men and women can’t be friends, but this book argues the complete opposite, that the most masculine of all the men is the one who cultivates true friendship for friendship’s sake before diving into a relationship. So, she was actually right to reject him, but none of them knew why then. But they both learned that you need to build that strong foundation before you can take the next step. Because the strong foundation is what keeps you together after ten, twenty, thirty years of your relationship being tested.”

“Friends to lovers has the greatest stability for long term romantic relationships?” Stede summarized.

Ed smiled, looking at him warmly. “Exactly. Slow and steady wins the race. It’s not bad to wait, if you’re waiting for the right person, for the right reasons. Not just to win them like a prize for time served, but developing a love that keeps you friends when maybe sometimes the love part is hard.”

While Stede continued to gaze at Ed in awe of his analysis, the ladies started giving their opinions based on life experience about the ingredients needed for successful long term relationships. Stede hardly heard a word they were saying, up to and including their goodbyes as they left at the end of the meeting.

“So what’s this next book about?” Ed asked, looking at the cover of Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. “Wait, I think I know the story a bit. Jekyll and Hyde, like the guy who transforms into an evil dude?”

“Yes,” Stede said, smiling while he cleaned up the coffee and tea console. “A study on the good and evil parts inside all of us. Dr. Henry Jekyll, the kind and enterprising scientist represents the good and Edward Hyde is the deranged and evil part that becomes all-consuming.”

“Is it a happy ending?” Ed asked hopefully.

Stede’s pleasant mood darkened a little as he pondered the question Ed posed about every book so far. Ed wanted books with happy endings. This book was not a happy ending. “Well…no. No, it isn’t, I’m afraid.”

Ed lowered eyes and frowned. “Mr. Hyde wins, huh? Evil triumphs?”

Stede frowned, too. “Well, he does and he doesn’t. Ultimately Jekyll makes the final choices.”

“Because of bad things Mr. Hyde did?”

“Yes.”

“And the evil guy’s first name is Edward?”

Stede gave a faint gasp, watching sadness obfuscate Ed’s face. “Oh, Ed, you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to.”

Ed raised his eyes at last to look defiantly into Stede’s. “Yeah, I do,” he said quietly. After a moment he gave a small smile. And raised the book like giving a salute and stepped backwards toward the door. “I’ll see you on Twitch, eh?”

“Of course,” Stede replied kindly, watching after Ed even when he had already disappeared from view.

Chapter Text

Stede arranged a strand here and there as he looked over his outfit. It was one of those “free weekends” he liked to call them, when a month had five weekends instead of four, which was a phenomenon that occurred at least twice a year. He saw these as intermittent leap years where one could do a little something extra to seize the day. This year was particularly blessed with four free weekends and an extra day, being a leap year. Auspicious times. All signs point to yes! Stede thought, remembering a Magic 8 ball he got to play with once when he was nine years old. Now that he remembered the toy, he considered that he might give Magic 8 balls to the children for Christmas so that when they were forty-six they wouldn’t look back and have only one memory of a toy most kids played with so often that it wasn’t special.

He audaciously selected turquoise linen trousers with a smart drape and a white short-sleeved button down shirt decorated with a print of teal outlines of sailboats. Knowing Lucius would demand the undoing of the second button, he brazenly unbuttoned it and decorated the space with a simple gold chain. He shivered when he affixed it around his neck, not because of the coolness of the metal touching his skin but because he felt so daring wearing jewelry. After opting for a more casual Seiko watch, he pulled on fawn-colored loafers to finish the look until he changed his mind and chose cognac ones instead. He grabbed a lightweight white cardigan and sunglasses before popping out of his room with a cheerful whistle.

“Locked and loaded, I see,” Lucius said dryly, glancing up and down Stede’s body as he stepped behind the reference desk.

Stede turned and raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean by that?”

“The guns, Stede. You’re very unexpectedly bicepy.”

Stede looked at his arms and stretched them out. He hadn’t really thought of them before. “Hmm. Must be from picking up kids for the past ten years.”

“Are you seriously flexing?”

“No! Do you think I should put my cardigan on?”

“Stede, if you make any move to put that cardigan on, I will shred it. You put too much effort into looking like a total whore today to give up on it now.”

“Did you just call me a whore?”

“I sure did!” Lucius chuckled to himself.

Stede gave a haughty huff and, standing up, grabbed his cardigan from the back of the chair. Lucius did a double take and then dove toward him to grab the cardigan out of his hands. “No!” Stede shrieked. “You’re going to stretch the wool!”

“You are not putting this on. I won’t let you!”

“Every time I come in here, you two are wrestling. I’m starting to think maybe you hate each other.”

Stede looked up to see Ed leaning on the counter grinning at them. He released the sweater and Lucius staggered back. “Lucius told me I look like a whore, so I was trying to put my cardigan on and he won’t let me!”

Lucius draped the cardigan over his arm. “You’re an expert in these things, Ed. Don’t you think he’s being a total whore showing his arms like that?”

Ed was already staring at them, slack-jawed. He groaned and collapsed on the counter. “Steeeeeeede.”

“Wow,” Lucius said. “I really shouldn’t be listening to that.”

“Ed, what’s wrong? Do you think I need to put the cardigan on?”

“No!” Ed cried, springing back up again. “I mean, you look so nice like this. I think the cardigan would take away from it.”

Stede looked down at himself and ran his hands over his chest. “Thanks, Ed! I do rather like this this outfit.”

“Fuuuuuuuck,” Ed groaned quietly. He bit his lower lip and stared at Stede’s arms again.

“Right, sticker time!,” Stede sang, pulling out his sticker pack. “Well, today is the fifth Saturday of the month. A special day. Calls for a special sticker, I think. I actually found a new pack of stickers because starting next week, Plant Club storytime is cactus month. So I got cactus stickers to stay on theme, and I suppose no one will arrest me for starting early!”

“Dunno,” Ed said, blinking slowly and lowering his voice. “I think you’d look good in handcuffs.”

“Ew,” Lucius mumbled.

“Here’s a good one!” Stede selected a sticker and peeled it off the paper. With a quick consent check, he stuck it on Ed’s shirt. Lookin’ sharp! was emblazoned beneath a happy, plump cactus in a terra cotta pot.

“I love it, Stede! Do you think I do look sharp?”

“You always look great, Ed!”

Ed lowered his eyes and wiggled a bit. “Aw hey, I brought another book review.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded and crumpled paper. He unfolded it and smoothed it out on the desk, pushing it toward Stede. “It’s not very sophisticated. There wasn’t much to the book.”

“Wow, Ed! That was a fast read!”

“Yeah, it was a real page turner.”

“Wait, Nathaniel Buttons?” Lucius snorted. “The romance book author? Yeah his stuff is usually weird smut. If you’re into tentacle porn, that’s his specialty.”

“What porn?” Stede demanded. “No, actually please don’t answer that.” Stede read through Ed’s review, and each time he blushed and glanced at Ed when he read something particularly raunchy, Ed quickly looked away. Fuck, I need a good railing. Stede read the last sentence in the review a few times but didn’t understand what it meant. He understood that this had some connotation related to the nature of the book and decided it was best not to ask about it. “This is really well done, Ed! It’s very funny, and informative. I can’t say anyone who’s written a review on a romance novel for Summer Reading Club has done such a thorough and entertaining job!”

“Thanks, Stede,” he breathed, blinking slowly again. Looking at Stede’s arms, he sighed. “Listen, guys, I gotta get back home. Izzy’s got me booked for a roundtable whatever thing about something I can’t remember. I told him he had to give me time to come in here and get my sticker. I threatened him I wouldn’t finish his scarf if he didn’t let me. So he gave me half an hour.”

“Oh, Ed, but that’s too short.”

“Yeah, I know, but I’ve got a sponsorship attached to this, so I gotta do it. I’m sorry, Stede. I hope I’ll see you later tonight on Twitch, yeah?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there after I put the kids to bed. Good luck with your event!”

“Thanks.” He knocked on the counter, winked, and left.

Since it was summer and the weekend, Stede and Mary allowed the children to stay up one extra hour. Surprisingly, they ended up having more energy and getting them to bed was a bit arduous. But true to his word, when the children were in bed, Stede went to his office and opened Ed’s stream.

“What do you all say, should I let this guy rail me?” Ed asked, grinning devilishly at the camera.

stede: Hi, Ed! 👋.
stede: Goodness. I must admit this use of this term rail/railing escapes me, but somehow I think it does not refer to handrails.
stede: You used it in your book review.
stede: “I need a good railing” I believe the words were.

The grin fell from Ed’s face and he froze. 

Chat: “holy shit this guy can’t just jump scare us and then immediately start talking about railing” and “HAHAHAHAHA omg perfect timing!!!!” and “HANDRAILS kjsfodbsjhbg” and “I mean, handrails can be related? Railing by hand, railing against a railing?” and “BB wrote a book review about needing a good railing????” and “I have so many questions” and “@stede doesn’t know about railing” and “BB has a perfect entry here. Pun intended” and “BB are you gonna explain it or can I?” and “wtf how does he not know this?” and “what kind of sex is he having that he doesn’t know this?” and “I think the question would be what kind of sex is he *not* having?” and “I feel bad for his wife now” and “god I feel bad for BB. All hope dashed for him to have mind-blowing sex” and “pray for bb” and “guy needs some lessons and I know who can help him!”

“Hi, Stede! Ummmm. It just means to sleep together.” He shrank down in his chair until he was almost invisible.

Chat: “TELL THE TRUTH BLACKBEARD!” and “that is NOT what it means BB” and “noooo please tell him more 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣” and “this isn’t the Disney channel Blackbeard”

stede: Ed, the others here seem to be under the impression your definition is incomplete.

Ed slid back up into view, a smile hiding under his hands that were covering his face. He lowered them. “Okay, okay. Stede, it does mean sleeping together, but, like, aggressively.”

stede: Aggressively??

Stede’s phone was nonstop pinging! He switched it to vibrate when he saw Lucius’s name in the previews. Perhaps this was something to let go of, he thought, considering the possibility that this was a conversation that crossed the boundaries they’d established not too long ago.

Chat: “noooooooooo” and “OMG” and “poor baby” and “@stede is about to have his mind blown” and “he should get something else blown ijs” and “I seriously feel bad for his wife” and “Why not feel bad for both of them? Why are we blaming just him?” and “there is so much going on here, like where to begin?” and “dude is having bad sex and I think we all know why…” and “bro shut up that’s so rude” and “It's none of our business. Like can all of you shut up?”

stede: I think, probably, I’ll leave this here.
stede: It’s getting late for me, Ed. I have to be up early for Plant Club.
stede: Enjoy your game!
stede: Good night. 🙂.

Ed frowned. “Oh, okay. Good night, Stede.”

Stede quickly closed the browser and shut his laptop. Now his phone was waiting for him, but he was feeling a little too embarrassed to deal with Lucius’s messages. Nevertheless, he unlocked his phone to read them, knowing Lucius would probably annoy him all night if he didn’t answer.

Lucius: Pete just told me you’re asking what railing means
Lucius: In the sexual sense
Lucius: Sigh
Lucius: Stede
Lucius: You are too innocent for this world
Lucius: Pete is reading the chat to me
Lucius: Are you still alive?
Lucius: Or did you clutch your pearls so tight that you strangled yourself?
Lucius: Oh god that chat is unrelenting
Lucius: You did not ask him to elaborate on aggressive sex
Lucius: Pete is reading the chat still
Lucius: Oh wow
Lucius: Do you want me to explain this?
Lucius: I feel like maybe you’re not ready for me to explain this
Lucius: Oh sweetie
Lucius: You’re leaving the stream already?
Lucius: Pete just told me what you write
Lucius: *wrote
Lucius: It’s only 9:30pm. What do you mean it’s getting late?
Lucius: You’re panicking. I’m sorry
Lucius: Do you need to talk?
Stede: Hi, Lucius.
Stede: I think I’m just going to turn in.
Stede: The kids wore me out tonight.
Stede: I don’t need you to explan anything. Don’t worry. I’m fine.
Stede: Good night, Lucius.
Stede: 🙂.
Lucius: Ok, if you’re sure
Lucius: Good night 😊

Stede trudged to his bedroom and did his usual bedtime routine, but he felt a little sad and empty. He wasn’t exactly sure why, and he wasn’t really interested in introspecting about it, at least not on a Saturday night. He supposed he felt a little bit teased, and although he often found the chat amusing, this time it felt different. It felt like boarding school. Not as bad, of course, but it felt like when the other children had inside jokes that everyone understood but him, only for him to discover the jokes were at his expense. The fact that Lucius was genuinely concerned confirmed to him that the chat this time was not entirely gentle ribbing. He was also reminded of that horrid troll that had attacked him and he thought of how the chat had flipped back and forth in mockery and support. The fickleness tonight was a bit of a whiplash. Unless he was being too sensitive and they were gently ribbing him. But insinuations that…

He shook his head, trying to knock the thoughts out of his brain through his ears, but they wouldn’t budge. Instead, he fragmented them so that they wouldn’t form a complete idea. Bad sex, someone had said. Feel bad for his wife. Aggressive apparently had good connotations, though he couldn’t imagine how. He was having no sex, actually. Worse than bad, he supposed, because he was being a bad husband. A usual disappointment. Mary had been moody of late, but she wouldn’t articulate why when he asked. It’s not like she ever seemed to enjoy it. He couldn’t say that he very much did either. He usually overheard men at the office talking about bedroom disappointments being primary features of marriage, so surely it was all normal.

Just as he was about to climb into bed, his phone vibrated. Not now, Lucius, he thought with some annoyance. It was Ed. Stede blinked and checked the time. It was just before 10pm, but Ed’s stream wasn’t meant to be over for another hour at least. And they’d agreed not to text while Ed was streaming.

Ed 🌵.: Stede are you still awake?
Stede: Yes, I’m just jumping into bed now.
Stede: Well, not literally jumping.
Ed 🌵.: 😁
Ed 🌵.: I just wanted to check in on you
Ed 🌵.: Was kinda worried when you left early
Stede: Certainly Ed. I don’t want to keep you from your stream. 🙂.
Ed 🌵.: No, I ended it early. I wanted to check in on you
Stede: Oh, you didn’t have to do that!
Ed 🌵.: I know. But I wanted to
Stede: I’m fine.
Ed 🌵.: Are you sure? Cuz it kinda seems like you’re not
Stede: Well, I suppose I’m just being overly sensitive.
Stede: But it felt a bit like they were making fun of me.
Ed 🌵.: Fuck Stede. I’m sorry
Ed 🌵.: They didn’t mean that, but they’re kinda a sexual audience
Stede: I don’t fit in.
Ed 🌵.: NO that’s NOT true
Ed 🌵.: They just haven’t learned your boundaries yet
Ed 🌵.: I mean that’s not really an acceptable excuse
Ed 🌵.: Sometimes they think everyone is on the same page and enjoys sex jokes
Stede: Right. I don’t fit in.
Stede: I never fit in.
Ed 🌵.: Stede they like you a lot!
Stede: Until something like this. When I don’t fit in.
Ed 🌵.: I’m sorry
Stede:  Is it a good thing?
Ed 🌵.: What?
Stede: Aggressive.
Stede: Is aggressive good?
Ed 🌵.: Oh
Ed 🌵.: Um
Ed 🌵.: I mean
Ed 🌵.: Yes
Ed 🌵.: It can be
Ed 🌵.: With proper consent and negotiation
Stede: Negotiation?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, like, explaining where your boundaries are, what you’re ok with, what you’re not ok with
Stede: And you like this?
Ed 🌵.: Um
Ed 🌵.: Yeah
Ed 🌵.: I mean
Ed 🌵.: With the right person
Stede: Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this.
Ed 🌵.: I’m totally ok with talking about this
Ed 🌵.: I mean
Ed 🌵.: It’s not a secret that I’ve been around, right?
Stede: I see.
Stede: I’m just curious, I suppose.
Stede: About what aggressive means. What it entails.
Ed 🌵.: Well, it’s like forceful. Going fast and hard. Leaves you achy in the morning kinda stuff
Stede:  And that’s good?
Ed 🌵.: Yes, when the other person makes sure that they’re not hurting you and hitting all the right spots
Stede: I’m admittedly kind of scared to ask things.
Ed 🌵.: It’s ok. You’re allowed to be scared and nervous when you don’t know stuff
Ed 🌵.: I can explain more if you want
Ed 🌵.: Kinda an expert
Ed 🌵.: That’s not a boast
Ed 🌵.: Well maybe it is a little 😂
Ed 🌵.: Sorry
Ed 🌵.: What would you like to know?
Stede: Well. I know about romance novels like the one you’ve read. I’ve read one before, but it seemed a bit silly.
Stede: I wasn’t really convinced.
Stede: The books Lucius assigns haven’t been terribly explicit.
Stede: Not that I need them to be!
Stede: But I guess I just don’t really understand what men do.
Stede: Together.
Stede: I mean, I know what goes where.
Stede: I just don’t really understand how that’s pleasurable.
Stede: You don’t have to answer that!
Ed 🌵.: I can answer that
Ed 🌵.: You’ve heard of the prostate, I presume
Stede: Yes, naturally.
Ed 🌵.: Well, it feels good if you like stroke it
Ed 🌵.: And you can do this with fingers or with dildos or actual cock
Stede: Men use dildos?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah of course. Anyone can
Stede: And fingers, really?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah. Fingers part is actually kinda important
Ed 🌵.: Start small and gradually increase to fit bigger things
Stede: And it feels good to have something inside?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah. Feels great actually. If the person knows what they’re doing, that is
Stede: Oh.
Ed 🌵.: But if they don’t know, you teach them
Stede: Teach?
Ed 🌵.: Yes?
Stede:  ?
Ed 🌵.: A joke. That’s my last name 😂
Stede: Oh! 😂.
Ed 🌵.: But yes. Like when you start, you explain what you like and talk them through it
Ed 🌵.: And if they give a shit they’ll listen
Ed 🌵.: Not everyone does though
Ed 🌵.: And they just do what they want and you have to finish yourself off
Stede: And what do you do?
Stede: No, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.
Ed 🌵.: It’s ok, I can answer
Ed 🌵.: I do both, top and bottom
Ed 🌵.: More so top because most people want to get fucked by Blackbeard
Ed 🌵.: I like both
Stede: So, inside you, and you inside someone.
Ed 🌵.: Exactly
Ed 🌵.: Honestly I enjoy bottom a bit more than top
Ed 🌵.: Maybe because it happens so rarely
Ed 🌵.: But I also just do it to myself
Stede: With the things you said before?
Ed 🌵.: Right
Stede: How?
Stede: You don’t have to answer that!
Stede: I’m so sorry.
Ed 🌵.: I really don’t mind
Ed 🌵.: At the risk of breaking our rules
Ed 🌵.: I can tell you how to try to do it to yourself
Stede: Oh, um.
Stede:  I don’t know.
Stede: I mean, does it work if you don’t like men?
Stede: Like that, I mean.

[Ed 🌵 .: typing – stop – typing – stop]

Ed 🌵.: It works for anyone
Stede: Does it feel the same as the other thing?
Ed 🌵.: Other thing?
Stede: With the hand. On parts.
Ed 🌵.: You mean masturbating?
Stede: Yes.
Ed 🌵.: It doesn’t feel the same. But it feels just as amazing
Ed 🌵.: Maybe even more
Ed 🌵.: Especially both together
Stede: You can do both together?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, absolutely
Stede: Even by yourself?
Ed 🌵.: If you’ve got two hands, yeah
Ed 🌵.: Do you want me to teach you?
Stede: I don’t know.
Ed 🌵.: It’s not wrong, Stede
Stede: I know.
Ed 🌵.: Ok, just wanted to assure you just in case
Ed 🌵.: So?
Stede: I think maybe this breaks our rules
Ed 🌵.: Ok, that’s ok
Stede: Maybe.
Stede: Just I guess maybe not tonight.
Ed 🌵.: Ok Stede. That’s really ok, yeah?
Ed 🌵.: But just know I don’t mind teaching you
Ed 🌵.: It doesn’t have to be like before
Ed 🌵.: In case you’re scared of that
Ed 🌵.: I won’t put you in an uncomfortable situation
Ed 🌵.: But, you know. If you wanted to try it I can help make sure you do it without hurting yourself or something
Stede: Maybe.
Stede: Not yet.
Ed 🌵.: Sure
Ed 🌵.: But don’t be afraid to let me know if/when you want to try
Ed 🌵.: We can even schedule a lesson in advance
Stede: And it doesn’t mean anything?
Ed 🌵.: It can mean whatever you want it to mean
Ed 🌵.: It’s your pleasure and no one can tell you what you can or can’t feel
Ed 🌵.: Like, it helps to imagine things while you do it
Stede: Imagine? What things?
Ed 🌵.: Like, pretending it’s someone doing it to you
Stede: Is that what you do?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah, sometimes
Ed 🌵.: You don’t have to
Ed 🌵.: If you can feel good without imagining anything, that’s good too
Ed 🌵.: It’s whatever feels good to you
Ed 🌵.: And even if you imagine someone doing it to you, it doesn’t have to mean anything then either
Stede: It doesn’t?
Ed 🌵.: No
Ed 🌵.: Sometimes your mind just jumps where it jumps
Stede: You imagine people?
Ed 🌵.: Yeah
Ed 🌵.: Maybe not always, but yeah
Stede: Like who?
Stede: No, don’t answer that!
Stede: I’m sorry. Rude question.
Ed 🌵.: Ok
Ed 🌵.: But Stede, if you do decide to try it, please let me talk you through it
Ed 🌵.: I just want to make sure you do it safely, it being your first time and all
Ed 🌵.: Explaining a sex injury to a paramedic isn’t exactly fun 😂
Stede: Ha, ha! I imagine not!
Stede: It’s considered sex?
Ed 🌵.: Any sexual activity is sex
Stede: I thought if you just
Stede: Um
Stede: Go inside
Ed 🌵.: No, anything
Stede: Oh.
Stede: So even touching yourself.
Ed 🌵.: Correct 😊
Stede:  I see.
Stede: I think maybe I should go to sleep now.
Ed 🌵.: Ok 😊
Ed 🌵.: Plant day tomorrow
Stede: Precisely! The last day of carnivorous plants!
Ed 🌵.: RAWR 🦖
Ed 🌵.: I like the sound of carnivorous plants
Ed 🌵.: Is that something I can grow?
Stede: Oh, yes! Venus flytrap is a good one.
Stede: And then there’s the very interesting corpse flower!
Ed 🌵.: The what now?
Stede: Corpse flower. Blooms once every ten years and smells like a rotting corpse.
Stede: It's not a carnivorous plant though.
Stede: Just sprang to mind, is all. 😂.
Stede: It smells like it ought to be.
Stede: The Botanic Garden has one! I read that it’s expected to bloom this year.
Stede:  An event I’m certainly not going to miss.
Ed 🌵.: You’re deranged! 😂
Stede: I am not! It’s a perfectly educational experience.
Stede: We can go see it when it blooms, if you like.
Ed 🌵.: You mean together?
Stede: Yes, precisely. Is that something you’d be interested in?
Ed 🌵.: Stede, I would love to go with you to the Botanic Garden to see a flower that smells like a rotting corpse
Stede: Great!
Stede: All right. Bedtime for me!
Stede: Good night, Ed!
Ed 🌵.: Good night Stede!
Stede: 🥰.
Ed 🌵.: 🥰