Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“The thing that I’m giving up…is you.”

Shin looked at him blankly: half incredulous, half impressed by how easily Saint spouted the nonsense that consistently rolled off his tongue.

“I’m crazy because I love you.”

He should be used to it by now, the borderline romantic things that Saint said. If they came from anyone else, he might be flattered but coming from him, the person who had ruined his life and left him to deal with the consequences on his own, it only added insult to injury.

You don’t abandon the people you love.

It was on the tip of Shin’s tongue to tell him to go fuck himself – yet again – because he was honestly getting tired of it all, then he caught Saint’s gaze, saw the tears in his eyes and what looked like heartbreaking resolve, and it froze him where he stood.

He’s serious, Shin realized.

Before he could gather his thoughts, before he could muster a response, Saint turned and started walking away.

That broke him out of his stupor. He was tired of being walked out on.

“Stop.” His voice came out softer than he’d intended, weak in his opinion, and he hated it. “I said stop!”

Saint paused where he stood but didn’t turn around.

His anger rising again, Shin stalked over to him, grabbed his shoulder and spun him around.

“You can’t keep saying shit like that. One minute you won’t give me a moment of peace, the next you’re walking away from me. How am I supposed to believe anything you say when you keep contradicting yourself?”

Saint continued to stare at him, a silent tear rolling down his cheek.

It made Shin feel hot all over, uncomfortable and angry.

“Stop that. Why are you even crying?” He rolled his eyes. “The thing that I’m giving up is you,” he repeated mockingly. “What the fuck does that even mean?”

“You know what it means,” Saint replied softly.

The heat rose to Shin’s face but he ignored it, shaking his head and stubbornly crossing his arms over his chest. “No, I don’t.”

Saint sighed, his eyes briefly looking heavenward before he said, “We never talked about it, never acknowledged it, but we knew. We’ve always known, Shin.”

Maybe it was the tenderness in Saint’s voice when he said his name; maybe it was his survival instincts kicking in when faced with dealing with something he’d much rather pretend didn’t exist.

Either way, Shin found himself shaking his head again, coldly stating, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” before skirting around Saint and heading towards the stairs.

He wasn’t running away, he assured himself. He was just exiting another pointless conversation.

Why were they always having these conversations on the fucking roof?, he wondered glumly. Sure, it gave them privacy but it made leaving when Saint predictably said something to piss him off feel overly dramatic.

“Shin, wait up,” Saint pleaded, chasing after him.

“I need to go pick up my sister,” he threw over his shoulder, not daring to look back as he took the stairs two at a time. It was a lie, they both knew it, but did the truth even matter at this point? It changed nothing. It couldn’t.

He suddenly found himself being grabbed firmly by the elbow and dragged into a dark, empty room.

Shin spun around, ready to throw a fist and some choice words.

Anticipating it, Saint was already crowding him against the wall, one hand grabbing his raised hand by the wrist and securing it above his head.

“Release me,” he said through gritted teeth.

“We need to talk about this.”

“Now.”

Perhaps sensing that he was treading a thin line, Saint released his hand but he didn’t back up.

“Why are you doing this?” Shin asked, once again hating the tremor in his voice.

“I know that I’ve said a lot of things, and I meant every single one of them. I would do anything for you, to prove myself to you, even if it means giving you up.”

Shin scoffed. “That makes no sense. How can you say that you’d do anything for me, to be with me, then leave? If you were going to leave anyway, then you never should’ve come back. Or you should’ve left before you made me…”

Shin snapped his jaw shut, realizing that he’d almost admitted something that would change the course of their relationship forever; something that he would never be able to take back.

Apparently he’d already said too much, because that tenderness was back in Saint’s voice when he pressed, “Before I made you what?”

Shin clenched his jaw, determinedly refusing to meet Saint’s gaze. He wasn’t saying another word.

“Shin.”

His name was a whisper on Saint’s lips: a plea, a cry, a silent declaration.

Then he felt a light pressure at the corner of his mouth, before Saint’s mouth fully slanted over his.

The world around him came to a stop, his entire existence whittled down to the warmth of Saint’s chest pressed to his and their lips fused together.

If he was honest with himself, it wasn’t a huge surprise that Saint had kissed him. Among the many things between them that had been left unsaid and undone, this felt inevitable. It was a surprise, however, that his first instinct wasn’t to plant his fist in Saint’s face. And the biggest surprise…was the fact that he was kissing him back. Unconsciously, perhaps, but he was slowly becoming aware of his lips parting, allowing Saint’s to fully meld with his own. Of Saint’s tongue lightly sweeping into his mouth, swallowing his every panting exhale.

Well, shit.

This couldn’t be happening. He was not kissing the person who had ruined his life.

The person who had literally stomped his dreams into the ground and left him bleeding and broken: body and heart alike.

Reality washed over him like a bucket of ice water to the face.

What the fuck was he doing? He must be losing his mind.

Breaking the kiss, Shin placed both hands against Saint’s chest and pushed lightly.

“I can’t do this.”

“Shin…”

“Please.” He hated the plaintive note in his voice but he felt flayed open, his every thought and feeling bare for Saint to see. “Please.”

He felt Saint stare at him for a long, lingering moment – still refusing to meet his eyes – before finally stepping back.

Shin shot out of there faster than a bullet.

He wasn’t running away, he thought to himself. He was, for once, putting himself first.

He was not running away.

He was simply walking very quickly.

Chapter Text

Shin’s phone buzzed on the bed beside him.

He paid it no mind, knowing exactly who was on the other side of the message.

His phone had been going off constantly since he’d gotten home, to the point that he’d had to put it on vibrate after his mother had innocently queried about the unusual overactivity. The last thing he needed was her getting suspicious, or, God forbid, trying to sneak a peak at his phone. He didn’t need that added drama on his already overflowing plate.

Why was Saint doing this?

He’d be lying if he said that he was happy with his life. Happiness, in his opinion, stopped being part of his story when he’d stopped playing football. When his dream was snatched away by the one person who should’ve been by his side as he chased that very dream.

He wasn’t happy, but he’d grown used to his current existence. Some people feared him, some downright hated him, and a small number needed him. For support, for protection: for the things that they couldn’t do for themselves.

That had been his life for the past three years. Why did Saint have to come back and screw it all up?

When his phone vibrated again, he angrily snatched it up, intending to clear the logs and turn it off.

The latest message read, “Pick up.”

Before he could hit the power button, however, another message popped up.

“I’m outside”.

Shin sat up immediately.

What the fuck?

He raced over to his window and, sure enough, there was Saint. His body was partially blocked by the wall at the side of the gate as he peaked into the yard but it was definitely him.

Shin’s phone buzzed in his hand again.

“If you don’t come out in thirty seconds, I’m ringing the doorbell.”

That got his blood boiling, spurring him into action.

Who does this asshole think he is?, Shin raged internally as he quietly made his way downstairs. Making demands, after everything he’s done.

He pushed out of the front door with force, thankful that it didn’t slam back in as he stomped his way down the driveway.

“You have some nerve coming here,” he growled as he reached the gate.

“We need to talk,” Saint replied calmly, his eyes beaming with fondness as if he were addressing a disgruntled cat.

It only pissed Shin off more.

“I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“I highly doubt that’s true.”

“Okay, I don’t want to talk to you,” Shin rephrased.  “Now fuck off and leave me alone. Haven’t you done enough?”

“I tried. I’ve really tried, Shin. I just can’t seem to stay away from you.” Saint took a deep breath, casting his eyes around the empty night streets for a few seconds before looking back at Shin. “But if that’s what you really want, then I’ll go. But I won’t be at school tomorrow.  I’m serious about that. I’m not coming back.”

Shin shook his head in disbelief. “You can’t do that.”

“Do what?” Saint asked, brows furrowed in confusion.

“Blackmail me.”

“I’m not…”

“Yes, you are. If I don’t talk to you, you’re going to run away and leave me…again. How is that not blackmail?”

“Well, technically, you did tell me to fuck off and leave you alone so…”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Saint raised his hands in a just saying motion and Shin could see the smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

What was there to smile about? This situation wasn’t even remotely funny.

“Just say what you came here to say,” he grumbled, crossing his arms across his chest. “It’s late and some of us actually have to go to school tomorrow.”

“Can I come in? I don’t really want to have this conversation through your gate.”

“Absolutely not!” Shin snapped, stunned by his audacity.

“Shin…”

“Are you insane? You must be. Do you know what would happen if Mom wakes up and finds you inside the house? She’ll kill you, that’s what. The only person who hates you more than me is her.”

Saint sighed. “We’ll just have to be quiet.”

“Saint…”

“Are you going to let me in or do I have to jump over the wall?” Saint asked, brow cocked.

Shin stared at Saint as if he’d grown a second head.

His friend – ex friend – had always been obstinate but this was pushing the limit, even for him.

“I’ll have to go back inside and deactivate the alarm to unlock the gate…” he began slowly, about to try his hardest to avert disaster and save Saint’s reckless ass.

But the bastard didn’t even let him finish.

“The wall it is,” Saint said with a determined nod.

“Saint!”

The asshole wasn’t listening, already rolling his bike back behind the wall and climbing onto the seat.

Shin watched, dumbfounded, as Saint hauled himself up onto the wall, swung his legs over and jumped down into the yard in front of him.

“You’re crazy,” he breathed, still frozen in place.

Saint grinned wildly. “I’ve heard that a time or two.”

He grabbed Shin’s hand and started tugging him back towards the house and Shin, in his stupor, stumbled along behind him until he caught himself and snatched his hand back.

“I just want to remind you that this isn’t going to end well for you if my mother catches you,” Shin blustered, feeling obligated to put up one last protest.

Saint threw him a glance over his shoulder as he kicked his shoes off outside the front door and walked through the doorway.

“Then you’re just going to have to be quiet.”

“I…”

Wait, what?

What did he mean by Shin would have to be quiet?

He couldn’t ask as they were both now in the darkened entryway, Saint closing the door firmly behind Shin.

Why did it feel like he’d just made a deal with the devil?

This is going to end horribly.

They silently crept up the staircase to the second floor, Saint leading as if he owned the place, which just irritated Shin further.

Of course he hadn’t expected Saint to forget exactly, it had only been three years after all, but Shin already felt powerless in the situation and Saint being so sure of his every word and action just made him feel even more so.

As they entered his room, Saint – of course – closing and locking the door behind them, Shin sent up a silent prayer of thanks that his mother’s room was on the other end of the hall.

Moving away from Saint, he strode over to his bed and crawled to the middle, sitting cross-legged as he stared at his intruder.

He expected Saint to take the chair at his study desk but with the way the day had been going, he really shouldn’t have been surprised when Saint sat on the edge of his bed facing him.

This motherfucker.

“So,” Shin said, trying to sound bored and not giveaway just how unsettled he was by having Saint in his room after all these years. “Say what you came here to say.”

“How did you feel when I kissed you?”

That…was not what Shin expected him to lead with. Another apology, another promise to break, begging: all of the above. Not…whatever the hell that was.

“I…what…I don’t…” Shin was speechless. This asshole had literally robbed him of his ability to form a coherent sentence.

“I can tell you how I felt,” Saint continued, as if Shin wasn’t still staring at him with his jaw hanging open. “Finally. That’s what went through my mind when we kissed.” Saint shifted towards him, inching just a little closer. “I know that I’m being selfish. After everything I did, I didn’t have the right to show my face in front of you, much less ask for your forgiveness. I don’t deserve to expect anything more even if you did forgive me. And I don’t. If, after tonight, you still want me to leave you alone, then I will. I will respect your decision.”

He reached out his hand as if intending to take Shin’s then, seemingly thinking better of it, clasped his hands together in his lap.

“The night I…I broke your leg, I never meant to hurt you that badly. If nothing else, please believe that Shin. I was just so consumed with my own anger, and what I later realized was fear, that I acted more violently than I ever would have under normal circumstances. And in the aftermath, when you were in the hospital and I heard just how much damage I’d done, I couldn’t bring myself to visit you. Just seeing you through the door made me feel like shit, I didn’t dare to look you in the eyes. Not because I didn’t want to but because I knew you’d hate me for what I stole from you. Football was everything to you. It had always been your dream to go pro. And I, your best friend, had ruined that for you. I was ashamed and I hated myself for being the one to do that to you. I told myself that I didn’t deserve to call you my best friend anymore, didn’t deserve to be in your life, and you’d be better off without me.

So I stayed away. I went away and I stayed away until I couldn’t anymore. I realized that I couldn’t live without you and even if I didn’t deserve to have you, I still needed to try.”

Shin absorbed his words silently, his own thoughts surprisingly calm.

Maybe it was because even after all this time, Saint was still so damn predictable. Nothing he’d said was a surprise to Shin: he’d figured him out ages ago, though it was good to have confirmation, he supposed.

He held Saint’s gaze for a long moment before speaking.

“Do you know what really hurt me the most about this whole thing?” He waited for Saint to respond with a slight shake of his head before continuing. “I would have forgiven you for my leg. I did forgive you. My leg healed…”

“Not completely,” Saint pointed out guiltily.

Shin shrugged, acknowledging his point. While the break had healed, supported by a metal rod, Shin did still experience pain if he over-exerted himself or took a direct hit to the damaged area. Sometimes he even got stiff if the weather was bad, like an old person with arthritis. It was something that he’d have to live with for the rest of his life and he’d accepted it years ago.

“It healed as best it could. And yes, football had always been my dream, but had you stuck around, we would’ve come up with a new dream for my future, maybe something that we could’ve done together. Yes, I was angry and I did hate you for a time but you were my best friend. You were supposed to stay beside me while I ranted and raved at you for what you did. You were supposed to be a shoulder for me to lean on when the pain was too much for me to bear alone. You were supposed to be there when I started getting better. You should’ve been there for all of it.

But you decided that I was better off without you, not because it was best for me but because it was best for you. Like a coward, you couldn’t deal with your guilt and sticking around would’ve been a constant reminder of what you’d done so you left. It had nothing to do with me.”

Saint shook his head. “Shin…”

Shin held up a hand to hold him off. “I understand, to some extent. You were young and I can’t imagine how overwhelming that must have been. Even now, after all these years, no matter how much I want to hate you, I don’t really. And I’d never wish that kind of pain on you or anyone else so I get it.

But you have to look at it from my point of view. My best friend abandoned me. I had to mourn both the loss of my future and you at the same time. That wasn’t fair to me at all. Then you just waltz back into my life like…like, I don’t know. What did you honestly expect from me, Saint? To just welcome you with open arms?”

Saint took a deep breath, expelling it slowly. “Maybe, stupidly, I’d hoped that you’d missed me as much as I’d missed you.”

“I did miss you, dumbass. I still do. But…it’s not that simple.  You want me to let you back in but how do I know that you won’t just run off again the next time something major happens because, I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention but there’re a bunch of people who have it out for me. For both of us now since you stuck your nose into my business.”

Saint shrugged. “Let them try. They’ll have to go through me to get to you.”

Shin rolled his eyes and shoved at Saint’s shoulder. “I’m being serious.”

Saint caught his hand, gripping it tightly. “So am I. I mean it, Shin. I’ll never let anyone hurt you again, even if it means laying my life down for yours. And, if you give me permission to stay, I promise not to run away again. You can hit me, kick me, have your minions strip me naked and flog me in the street. Just don’t send me away.”

Shin gave him a sideways glance. “That was oddly specific.”

Saint thread their fingers together, tightening his hold. “I’m serious, Shin. I’m all in. For life. But know this, if I do stay, I’m not just going to be your best friend.”

Shin’s heart skipped a beat and he felt a flush begin to spread across his cheeks.

He tried to tug his hand away, but Saint held firm.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Saint pledged solemnly. “If you don’t want me to, if you don’t feel the same, then tell me to stop and I will. And I won’t do it again. Ever.”

“Why does everything you say sound like a threat?” Shin grumbled.

“Shin.”

“I’m not stopping you, am I?” he snapped.

Then Saint was kissing him, again, and all the fight drained out of his body.

His mind went blank after that. He was only aware of where their bodies touched, mouth to mouth and, soon enough, chest to chest when Saint gently lowered him to the bed.

His legs were awkwardly bent, forcing his back into an uncomfortable arch, so he kicked his feet outward and apart to ease the strain before cramp could set in.

They kissed languidly, getting used to the feel and taste of each other; sometimes just breathing into each other’s mouths before sealing their lips once more.

Eventually, Saint’s lips wandered to his cheek, then his ear and down his neck, tugging and nibbling as he went along.

Shin knew exactly when Saint got to the mole on his neck because he stopped there for a while, licking the spot before suctioning his lips over it.

Shin didn’t think that Saint was even aware of his obsession with his mole. Shin had always known, noticing how Saint would unconsciously stare at the spot sometimes when he spoke, the same way he would often stare at his lips. Or when he’d grab him by his neck, his thumb landing precisely over the dot, stroking it slowly. Again, an unconscious action that Shin was sure that Saint had no idea he’d done.

“Saint,” he said, voice hoarse.

Saint didn’t respond, continuing to kiss and suck the mole with fervor.

“Saint.” Threading his fingers through the hair at the back of his neck, Shin tugged until Saint was forced to look up at him. “No hickeys.”

As Saint made a move to resume his sucking without acknowledging his words, Shin tugged again, tightening his hold.

“I’m serious. Do you want my mother to kill you?”

“How would she even know it was me?”  Saint asked and the huskiness of his voice made Shin’s stomach quiver.

“Trust me, she’d know,” Shin replied, ignoring the heat scorching in his cheeks.

With a defeated groan, Saint shifted until he was staring into Shin’s eyes once again.

He lowered his head and pecked playfully at the seam of Shin’s lips before thrusting his tongue inside and resuming their kiss.

Shin short-circuited soon after.

The kiss grew more heated and intense, until he found himself wriggling against Saint, who was half on top of him, half pressed against his side.

The next thing he knew, Saint’s hand was in his pants gripping his half-hard erection, which he’d been staunchly trying to ignore. This was new territory for them and he wasn’t sure what the rules were.

Saint clearly had no such qualms. He began stroking Shin furiously until he had to wrench his mouth away to breathe, but in doing so his pants turned to moans and he started getting a little louder than was probably wise.

Recognizing the looming danger if his mother were to hear them – him – Shin grabbed Saint’s arm and held it over his mouth, sinking his teeth into the firm flesh as his body shook and jerked with arousal.

His mouth now free, Saint rucked up Shin’s t-shirt and kissed his quivering stomach, making his way up to his chest before circling his tongue around one perked nipple and sucking on it.

That sent Shin over the edge.

He keened as he came, the sound muffled by Saint’s arm still pressed over his mouth, his teeth surely leaving a mark with how hard he was biting him now.

His orgasm seemed to go on and on, probably the longest he’d ever had.

He wasn’t untouched by any means, having had a few unsuccessful situationships in Saint’s absence. They’d all thought that they could tame the beast and had all either given up or gotten bored eventually. Shin had never considered himself a particularly sexual person, not even on the rare occasion that he saw to his own needs, but it felt different with Saint. More fulfilling.

Saint still stroked him, much slower now, but his body was starting to feel oversensitive, so he shifted his hips away, thankful when Saint’s hand receded.

With the calming of breaths came the return of his racing thoughts.

What the fuck had they just done?

Pushing Saint’s arm away, Shin sat up, burying his face in his hands as the enormity of the step – steps – they’d taken really set in.

“What the fuck are we doing?” he groaned in despair.

There was no way this was going to work. There was too much working against them.

Saint shifted behind him, wrapping his arms around Shin’s waist and pulling him into his chest.

“Don’t. Don’t overthink it. Not now. We can deal with anything that comes our way tomorrow or whenever. We’ll cross that bridge when the time comes, together.” He pressed a kiss to the back of Shin’s ear. “Let’s just enjoy…whatever this is while we’re in the moment.”

Shin dropped his hands and turned his neck to look at him.

“You’ve always been stupidly optimistic.”

“One of us has to be, baby,” Saint purred.

Shin rolled his eyes and tapped him on the side of the head.

“I better go get cleaned up.”

“Can I come?” Saint offered, his expression that of an excited puppy just discovering a new toy to play with. “I can help wash the places you can’t reach.”

Shin narrowed his eyes. “Do you want her to draw and quarter you before she kills you?”

Saint sighed.

Surprising them both, Shin cupped his jaw and pressed their lips together, initiating a kiss for the very first time.

It started off slow, as he’d intended, but maybe it was because this was still new to them or maybe simply because they were teenagers and inclined to baser needs, either way slow turned into hands gripping harder, holding tighter, which then turned into Saint’s hand wandering under his t-shirt again, gripping his hip before starting its descent to the waistband of his pants.

Forcing them apart, Shin panted breathlessly against Saint’s lips before pushing him gently away.

“Clean up,” he huffed, scooting to the edge of the bed and forcing himself to unsteady feet.

“Are you sure I can’t help?” Saint offered again, his voice slightly hopeful.

“Drawn and quartered,” Shin enunciated, making chopping motions with his hand.

With a defeated sigh, Saint fell back onto the bed.

As Shin unlocked the door and crept quietly to the bathroom, a sobering thought pervaded the haze of his tentative contentment.

He must be crazy to think that this could work. Too much had happened between them and there were so many other people involved who could make or break their new reality.

But if the alternative was watching Saint walk out of his life once more, possibly for good, then he’d just have to take that chance.

And God help anyone who tried to come between them. He’d simply have to get a little murderous.

Even if that person was Saint himself.