Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A split second of chance eye contact, and Chan recognizes him right away. Felix. Shiny black hair in a sea of browns and blonds, he looks a little bit older than Chan remembers. Not in a bad way, of course; Felix is the type of guy who couldn’t look bad if he tried. He just looks more… mature, more grown-up, more tired. He’s not twenty-two anymore, and neither is Chan. 

As if in slow motion, Chan watches the recognition spark in Felix’s deep, brown eyes. Lighting up, they crinkle as a surprised smile tugs at his lips—the smile of running into someone long-lost. Where he stands a couple of rows away, Felix seems to briefly reconsider his choice of seat before choosing to head toward Chan. 

Suddenly feeling nervous, Chan dry swallows. His eyes naturally go down to his own lap in order to avoid the weight of Felix’s eyes as he adjusts in his seat. He stays quiet as Felix sits in the empty seat beside him. 

They became friends junior year of high school, both seventeen. It took no time at all for their newfound friendship to blossom into romance. For five years—until the middle of their senior year of college—they were lovers. Felix’s parents hated it, and Chan’s parents were really neutral at best, but they were happy together. From high school in Chicago to the same college in New York City, they were strong as a couple… until they weren’t, anyway. 

“Hey,” Felix speaks first. The simple syllable comes out a little breathy, like he felt the invisible tension too. 

“Hey,” Chan answers, willing himself to look up to meet Felix’s eyes again. 

With his hands planted firmly on his knees, Felix sits strangely still and stiff. He looks uncomfortable, but when their eyes meet again, his body seems to relax the tiniest bit. “How are you?” 

Chan quickly nods before realizing that isn’t an answer. His heart rate spikes at his blunder, and words automatically come tumbling from his lips. “Fine—I mean, you know, I’m okay. You? How are you?” Chan wishes he didn’t always have to make a fool out of himself. 

Felix’s smile momentarily falters. “Oh, you know me... I’m pretty good, a little stressed, but who isn’t, right?” He laughs, and Chan can tell it’s more of an awkward laugh than a genuine one, but he hasn’t heard that sound in years. He finds himself smiling a little. 

“That’s good,” Chan says, and he means it. “I’m glad you’re doing well. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” 

“Yeah,” Felix says with a small smile. “It has. Five years now…” He averts his eyes and nods slightly to himself.

“Five?” Chan asks. Logically, he knows it’s been five years, but… that feels so terribly long. They were together for five years, and now they’ve been apart that long too? “Has it really been that long? That’s… wow.”

“Yeah,” Felix says, giving Chan a familar ‘I know, right?’ look. “Time really does fly when you get older, huh?” 

Chan nods slowly. “Yeah.” 

“You look good, though, you know,” Felix says quickly as if the words pour from his mouth on their own accord. “Not that we’re old or anything, but yeah, just… yeah.” 

Chan laughs a little. “Thanks. You do too.”

Felix’s eyes crinkle again. “Thanks.”

“Well…” Chan begins hesitantly. As nice as it is to see and hear Felix again, he needs to get this interaction behind him. The breakup was hard enough, and he can’t let those pitiful feelings to come bubbling up to ruin yet another Christmas. “It was nice to catch up a little.”

“Yeah, of course,” Felix says quickly. 

“Yeah,” Chan repeats, not knowing what else to say to get this interaction to end.

A woman’s voice says something then, likely about the next group to board. Chan is too busy looking at Felix to really absorb the words, but a look of indecision washes over Felix’s pretty, freckled face. 

“That’s me,” Felix says, now standing up. Chan tells himself that it’s just in his mind, but Felix seems reluctant to part ways. “It’s been really, really nice to see you, seriously. Um…I hope you have a good Christmas.”

Chan nods, fighting the urge to reach out to shake Felix’s hand before he leaves. “Yeah, you too… You too, Felix.”

Felix smiles at him one last time. He doesn’t speak immediately, just stands there looking down at him for a second. “Bye, Chan.”

“Bye…” Chan replies quietly. “Goodbye.”

Felix turns and walks away without looking back, leaving Chan alone once again. 

Once Chan is finally able to take his seat on the plane, Felix won’t leave his mind no matter how hard he tries to fight it. It’s Felix—The Felix—and just like those years before they became strangers, he fills Chan’s every waking thought. Memories Chan doesn’t want to remember come to the forefront of his mind—the soft kisses, the adorable giggles, the warmth radiating from his body when they laid in bed together, the silence that could never be anything but comfortable. They were each other’s first love—first everything. Felix was Chan’s entire sun, moon and stars. Chan used to dream of one day marrying Felix, even if he had to wait a lifetime for it to become legal. The breakup was sudden, and it took Chan years to get over it. Well, he thought he was over it, but it seems that just one brief conversation completely undid all the progress he’s made.

What is Felix’s life like now? He must still live somewhere in the city. Did he commit to going to law school like his parents wanted? Did he pass the bar exam? Does he work at his dad’s firm? From the commercials and ads, Chan knows it’s regional now and seems to be well on its way to expanding nationally. Is Felix still expected to take it over once his dad retires? How are his sisters doing? His mom? Is she still… Do his parents accept him now? 

Then, a nauseating thought crosses Chan’s mind. Is Felix with a woman now? Is he married? Chan didn’t pay enough attention to notice any ring, or lack thereof, on his finger. At twenty-seven, he could very well even have kids by now. Felix never seemed to care much either way when it came to having kids, but if he became a lawyer and married a woman for his parents, then he would probably give them grandchildren too. 

It’s sickening. Imagining Felix with a woman—kissing her, holding her hand, smiling at her as if he really loves her—literally makes Chan’s stomach turn. Then, to have kids, they would have to have sex, and that’s even worse. Could Felix really go through with fucking a woman just to appease his parents? 

If Felix isn’t with a woman, but with a man instead, is that really any better? Chan was dumped so unceremoniously. Is it possible that now, after this many years, Felix is with another man? Has Felix just replaced Chan with someone else? If Felix being with a woman is nausating, then him being with a man is heartbreaking. 

Chan has all but completely spiraled by the time the plane lands in Washington, D.C. A simple, small conversation and ninety uninterrupted minutes to dwell on it totally ruined him. There’s an hour-long layover until the connecting flight to Chicago, and Chan dreads returning to his childhood home. There are too many memories of Felix there. He won’t be able to escape all of this until after Christmas, when he’s safely back in his Manhattan one-bedroom apartment. 

Where does Felix live now? 

His dad probably bought him a condo in the Upper East or West Side with a view of Central Park or something… It doesn’t matter, or that’s what Chan tells himself. Different strokes for different folks as his mom would say. Chan’s lot in life happens to be struggling everyday at an indie publishing house to make ends meet, while Felix gets to have everything handed to him on a silver platter because his dad is rich. It’s fine, and it doesn’t bother Chan in the slightest. 

Bad news arrives quickly after an unpleasant landing in D.C.

Currently, there’s a sudden snowstorm, and the connecting flight to Chicago has been completely cancelled, leaving Chan stranded in an unknown city. Since it’s already so late in the night, the ticket agent he spoke to suggested he simply spend the night in the airport and try to book a ticket to Chicago in the morning. Being over five hundred miles away from Chicago and over two hundred from Manhattan, it seems he has no other choice but to stay. 

Even better yet, as Chan pours several minutes into typing out a text message to his dad’s cell phone explaining his cancelled flight, his phone dies. A deep, tired sigh comes out of him before he begins to dig through his suitcase in search of his charger… only to remember that he left it at home, still plugged into the outlet. 

Leaning back in his chair, Chan sighs again because, really, it’s the only thing he can do in a situation like this. He’s alone, bored, and cold, and sitting in possibly the world’s most uncomfortable chair.

Because of the cancelled flights, the airport is packed with holiday travelers. A middle-aged man with a beer belly sits directly across from him, and Chan struggles to avoid eye contact as the man keeps coughing openly. As Chan becomes increasingly more concerned the man is going to hack up a lung onto the floor before his very feet, his eyes roam around the rest of the airport, searching the distance for some sort of magical savior. 

And, there he is again—Felix. 

It shouldn’t be surprising. They were on the same flight, heading for the same destination, but still, Chan curses himself for looking up in the first place. He tries to avert his eyes quickly, but Felix already saw him. Their eyes met for just a moment, but fortunately, Felix keeps walking past. 

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. 

Unable to stop himself, Chan turns around in his seat to see where Felix is heading; but ahead of Felix is not where he ends up looking. Felix is now wearing a black coat that he didn’t have before, and below that is a basic pair of blue jeans. Chan’s eyes linger on that area for too long, and feeling ashamed, he forces his eyes away just as Felix enters the men’s restroom. Chan finally turns back around to face forward, his face becoming slightly warmer as the realization of how long he was looking at Felix sets in. 

The seconds go by slowly as Chan waits for Felix to pass him by again. Hopefully, Felix won’t want to say anything. Their breakup is all Chan can think about as the clock in his head ticks. 

They were seniors in college. From freshman year, they always shared a dorm room alone, but the summer before senior year, they had gotten an apartment off-campus. Despite living together for years already, renting an apartment together felt very different, very real. It was nice, and they were happy. November came, and Felix decided to fly to Chicago to visit his family for Thanksgiving while Chan stayed behind in New York. 

When Felix returned, he seemed a little down, but knowing Felix’s family, it wasn’t surprising. Chan assumed his parents had expressed their discontentment again, possibly using the same old spiel about burning in hellfire for all eternity. Felix’s family was quite religious, and it effected Felix significantly. Despite his own feelings and experiences, it was never too difficult for Felix’s parents to temporarily sway him in certain directions. In the end, though, Felix always followed his heart first and foremost. All their words accomplished was making Felix a little more insecure and unsure of himself. 

So, Chan didn’t question why Felix seemed down. Instead of prompting Felix to talk about it, he just did what he could to cheer him up, which worked. Soon, Felix was back to his usual, happy, lighthearted self, and Chan forgot all about it. Then, a couple of days before Christmas break officially started, Felix sat Chan down for a talk—a talk about how he wanted to end things. At first, Chan thought it was some kind of strange joke. After five years together, how could they break up so randomly? Felix didn’t explain why and was evasive in light of Chan’s questioning. Forced to draw his own conculsions as he ached for closure, Chan settled on the theory that it all came back to Thanksgiving. Felix’s parents must have finally managed to convince him. Felix must have mulled it over for those few weeks, and ultimately, he chose his family over Chan. 

But for Chan, Felix was family. 

Clearly, Felix must not have felt the same. 

They didn’t talk much after that. They sorted out their living situation by moving into separate, cheaper apartments, and once that was taken care of, that was it. Not another word. Their lives became separate, and friends divided. 

“Hey,” Felix’s deep voice pulls Chan out of his thoughts. 

Reacting automatically, Chan’s head swivels quickly to look up at Felix, who stands over him. 

“Are you staying here for the night too?” Felix asks. 

Why? 

“Uh… yeah,” Chan answers awkwardly. 

Felix stays quiet, just continuing to look at him. Chan’s heart races nervously. 

“I was thinking,” Felix says quickly, then, “since we have time, we could talk for a bit? If that’s okay with you? I just thought it would be nice to catch up some more.” 

Chan nods dumbly. He watches as Felix opens his mouth to say more but gets interrupted by the man coughing again. Felix’s eyes leave Chan’s to dart over to the man uncomfortably. 

“Do you want to come sit with me?” Felix asks before lowering his voice. “It’s calmer.” 

Chan can’t help laughing a little. “Okay.” 

He stands up, grabbing his suitcase. Quietly, Felix leads him several rows of seating away. 

Felix says thank you to the woman he asked to watch his luggage, then sits down. Chan follows suit, sitting to his left. A good thirty seconds of awkward silence passes before either of them speak. 

“How’re your parents?” Felix asks. 

“They’re good,” Chan says. “Not much has changed with them… My sister’s in college now, somewhere in Minnesota, I forgot the name. My brother’s a senior in high school.”

Felix nods, looking straight ahead. A beat of silence passes before he speaks again. “My sisters both have kids now.”

“Wait, what?” Chan asks, shocked. It makes sense for Felix’s older sister to have a kid, but his younger sister is still so young. She must be… well, she’s probably old enough to have already graduated college by now. “Both of them? Already?” 

“Yeah,” Felix says. “They both had boys, almost exactly two years apart.” 

“Damn,” Chan says. “I remember when your little sister was, like, thirteen.” 

Felix nods. “It is weird.” 

“How are your parents?” Chan asks. “I know the firm must be doing great.” 

“Yeah, we’ve already expanded through the midwest and northeast,” Felix explains. “We’re hoping to open a couple southern offices by the end of next year.” 

“‘We?’” Chan prompts. 

“I work there,” Felix says. “The Manhattan office.”

“Office manager or something?”

“What?” Felix laughs. “Associate attorney.” 

“So you bit the bullet and went to law school?” Chan asks. 

“It was a complete nightmare,” Felix sighs. “I almost dropped out three separate times.”

“You made it, though,” Chan says. “Attorney, that’s a big deal. I’m proud of you.”

Felix looks over at him finally. He doesn’t say anything, but the bags under his now dull eyes say enough. Felix’s eyes search his face, for what exactly, Chan isn’t sure; but he seems to find it. 

“Thank you,” Felix says, at last. 

Chan nods for no reason in particular. 

“What do you do?” Felix asks. “For work, I mean.”

“I’m an assistant editor at an independent publishing house,” Chan says. 

Felix blinks. “So… what do you do?”

“Different things,” Chan answers. “I edit stuff, write and fact-check copy…” He trails off. There’s not much else to say. It’s a bland, poorly paying profession. 

“Copy?” Felix questions innocently. 

Once he recovers from being momentarily stunned into silence, Chan changes the topic. 

“How’s your mom and dad?”

Felix takes a second to answer. “Dad’s still always traveling back and forth between offices like usual. Mom is… She’s mellowed out with age, I guess you could say. Her new mission in life is to be the grandmother to as many children as possible.” He laughs, but it doesn’t sound genuine. 

What does that mean? 

Felix’s dad was always pretty absent because of his workaholic nature, which clearly paid off in establishing his firm. He’s still doing that, which makes sense. Felix’s mom ‘mellowing out’ doesn’t need to be explained, either. She was always very strict with all three of her children, but especially Felix. ‘Her new mission in life,’ though, that leaves some room for interpretation. In high school, Felix sometimes joked that his mom’s mission in life was to make him like girls. Is he referencing that? Or, did he forget about that completely by now? Is it weird that Chan still remembers? 

Possibly sensing Chan’s sudden face of seriousness, Felix reaches into his coat pocket to pull out his cell phone. Before Felix can even open it, Chan notices that it’s not just a new-looking cell phone—it’s a camera phone. A few button pushes, and Felix is showing the screen to Chan. it’s a photo of Felix’s sisters, the older holding a toddler and the younger holding a small infant, sitting on a couch Chan doesn’t recognize. What his eyes are really drawn to is the beautiful man with freckles and a bright smile sitting between them. The camera quality isn’t fantastic, but it’s better than Chan thought it would be. 

“Last Christmas,” Felix explains. 

“Your mom took this?” Chan asks. 

“Yep.”

Chan keeps staring at the happy Felix in the photo. 

“Hey, did you tell your parents about the cancelled flight?” Felix asks, his phone being lowered into his lap.

Chan looks back at the real-life Felix beside him. “I tried to, but then, my phone died, and it turns out I left my charger at home.”

Felix laughs. “Really? Remember that one year in college when we visited your family for Christmas and you completely forgot to bring any underwear?” 

Chan can’t stop himself from laughing despite how embarrassed he felt at the time, having to ask his mom to drive him to a department store to buy underwear. 

“Do you want to use my phone to call them?” Felix asks suddenly.

“Oh, no, I don’t want to waste your minutes, besides it’s late, anyway.”

“Text them, then,” Felix says, forcing his open phone into Chan’s hand. Chan looks down at Felix’s hand and notices there isn’t a ring in sight. “It’s no big deal, Chan.” 

“I go by Chris now, actually,” Chan blurts out. 

Felix stares at him. “Why…?” 

Chan shrugs. “Just makes sense. It’s easier at work.”

“Do you prefer Chan or Chris?” Felix asks. 

“I mean… I’ve always been Chan, so I’m more used to it, but either is fine.”

“I like Chan.”

“Oh… ‘kay,” Chan replies awkwardly. 

Ugh, why is he like this? He wants to slap himself.

Felix points at his cell phone in Chan’s hand. “Go ahead.”

Chan opens the text messaging application and quickly types in his dad’s phone number. He explains that situation as concisely as possible before adding at the end that his dad shouldn’t reply. He lies that the phone he’s using belongs to a nice stranger, instead of his ex-boyfriend. 

“Thanks,” Chan says as he hands the phone back to Felix. 

Awkward silence falls over them again, and Chan says the first thing that comes to mind in an attempt to fix it. 

“So, your mom’s mission in life is to have as many grandkids as possible?” Chan asks. “That sounds like she’s going around poking holes in condoms.” 

Chan thinks he should just walk out of the airport and into the snowstorm to freeze to death like Jack Nicholson in The Shining before he can embarrass himself even further in front of Felix.

But surprisingly, Felix laughs. “She so would if she had the opportunity! She’s completely crazy about it. You have no idea how many blind dates get randomly sprung onto me every time I come to Chicago.”

Chan’s brows automatically raise in surprise. Blind dates? With women, surely?

“They’re all daughters or nieces of her church friends, too,” Felix continues before suddenly lowering his voice, “and they’re all, like, really about it. Like, ‘Let’s get married after the third date, have a bunch of babies, and send them to Catholic school’ level of religious.” 

Chan knows that Felix attended Catholic school until transferring to public school at the start of junior year. He absolutely hated it. He told Chan that he always wanted to attend public school, which is a weird goal to have, but he begged his parents and managed to finally get it. The fact that he fell in love with a boy within his first month at public school probably did not help matters at home. 

Chan doesn’t know what to say. Felix is apparently still humoring his parents’ idea that he’ll eventually settle down with a woman. 

“What about you?” Felix asks. “Any dates recently? Relationship status?”

“Relationship status: me, myself and I,” Chan answers. 

Felix nods. “That’s better than what I’m doing.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Chan says, and it comes out much more bitter than intended. His skin is crawling. 

He doesn’t know why. He has no right to feel anything toward Felix dating. They’ve been broken up for exactly five years now. Felix is clearly over it, as he should be. That is what’s normal. There’s no reason for Chan to feel wrong or betrayed, but something about it just doesn’t sit right with him. 

“I’m glad I got to see you again, Chan,” Felix says sweetly. “At this point, I didn’t think I ever would.”

Chan used to call Felix an angel. Since they first met, Felix was always so sweet and smiley, and so beautiful that he practically glowed, radiating a golden warmth that almost made Chan believe he was already in Heaven. It wasn’t serious, of course. Chan doesn’t even believe in angels… but if they do exist, then Felix is definitely one. 

“Me too,” Chan replies. “I’m glad too.”

‘I missed you,’ he almost adds, but it remains unspoken. 

“You know, it usually barely snows in D.C.” Felix says, changing the topic. “Having a snowstorm literally never happens here. It’s like… fate, kinda.” 

Oh. So, Felix isn’t trying to change the topic before it gets awkward. He’s making it more awkward, instead. 

“I didn’t know that,” Chan says. “That is weird… Maybe it is fate.”

Felix smiles at that. “I think so.” 

“Are you tired?” Chan asks, no longer able to bear this conversation. 

“A little bit,” Felix answers, unbothered by the change of topic. He probably knows it’s for the best. “Are you?” 

“Yeah, but I can’t sleep here like this,” Chan says. “I can barely sleep in my own bed at home.”

Felix keeps looking at him, expecting an explanation. 

“Insomnia,” Chan says simply. 

Felix hums before his voice takes on a teasing edge. “Miss having someone to keep you warm at night?” 

Chan laughs in disbelief. To anyone else, Felix’s words would have dirty implications, but Chan knows that’s not what he means. 

When they were in college, they had a running joke between them in the wintertime. It started freshman year—when they moved into their first dorm at college, they pushed their two twin beds together to make one bed for them to share, and it didn’t take long for Chan to become accustomed to sleeping beside Felix every night. When finals for the first semester rolled around, Felix crammed like never before to make up for a full semester of, well, not studying, and often came to bed late. One day, Chan had enough and complained that he couldn’t sleep without Felix there, and Felix teased him for ‘needing to have someone to keep him warm.’ 

Felix laughs. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, it’s fine,” Chan says a little too quickly. 

It’s awkward again. 

Chan has to wonder why he’s even sitting here right now. There’s nothing wrong with them catching up a little, but spending a whole night with Felix is too much and very unnecessary. Nothing good will come of it; Chan knows that. Does Felix? What is he thinking now? Does he really just want to catch up, then part ways again like nothing ever happened? Chan would give anything to read his mind. 

“It’s cold in here,” Felix says, sliding down in his seat a little. He pulls the sides of his black coat together over his front and crosses his arms over top it. 

“It is cold,” Chan says in agreement. Now would be a good time to make a joke about D.C. not being used to handling snowy conditions. “It doesn’t usually get this cold, I guess.” Shit.

Felix’s lips curl into a self-satisfied smile, though. He, of all people, would be amused by Chan’s foolish bumbling. It’s embarrassing—for both of them.

“We’ll be icicles flying to Chicago,” Felix muses. 

“It’s only snowy there,” Chan adds. 

Great, now they’re talking about the weather. Some ‘catching up.’

“Why are you acting so shy?” Felix asks, looking at Chan. 

Chan’s lips can’t quite form any coherent words in his surprise. 

“Why are you so— You’re being shy,” Felix repeats. “You don’t have to— I mean, you know, you can relax.”

Chan nods as he looks away from Felix. “I’ll try.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, but it just… it puts me on edge. We’re not really strangers, even if it has been a long time.” 

“I know.”

Chan forces himself to look back at Felix, still slouching in his chair. He leans back in his own chair, matching Felix’s posture. Felix has a sorry, regretful look on his face. 

“It’s okay,” Chan says. “I know what you mean… I just didn’t expect this to happen. It’s hard to talk to you like this, it’s weird.”

Felix nods quietly. “It is.”

All the words Chan has wanted to say to Felix almost come pouring out, but then, he’s far too aware of the people sitting around them, and their chatter, and the bright fluorescent lights. It’s not the time or place, but it’s probably better this way, anyway. It’s too late for feelings; that chance has long passed. 

Chapter Text

A loud banging wakes Chan. Confused, he looks around the room from where he lies in bed—in Felix’s bed, in Felix’s bedroom. The teenage boy in question is laying beside him, completely naked and stirring awake. 

Chan remembers now. He left school with Felix. Today was supposed to be special. Today was the day they had sex for the first time, the day they both lost their virginites. Chan was supposed to leave right afterward, before Felix’s mom came home from work, but… he was cuddling with Felix, and forgot, and they must have dozed off…

“Felix!” Felix’s mom screeches from the other side of the locked door. “Open the door right this instant!” 

Felix leaps out of bed. He scrambles around the room in search of his clothes, scattered about the floor with Chan’s own. With his heart beating out of his chest, Chan quickly climbs out of bed to hurry to get dressed alongside him. He notices Felix’s hands shaking. 

“Felix, now!” Felix’s mom yells as she bangs on the door some more. “I know that boy is in there with you!” 

With them both clumsily redressed, Felix unlocks and opens the door to face the rage of his mother. She’s angry, so angry. 

“What were you doing?” She yells at Felix. “Why is he up here? Why was the door locked?”

“We, we weren’t doing a-anything, Mom…” Felix says meekly, his voice breaking. His eyes avoid his mother’s, instead staring down at his feet in shame. 

“I told you to stay away from him! You let him into my house, and, and you—! You did something wrong, didn’t you? You committed a disgusting sin under my roof!”

“No,” Felix cries out, and the sound tears Chan into pieces. “I didn’t! It’s not, ‘s not wrong…”

“Shut up!” She screeches loudly. “The Lord saw you! Even if you lie to me, He knows! A boy, Felix, a boy? What is wrong with you? I raised you better than this!”

Felix continues to cry, keeping his eyes downward.

“Look at me!” His mom yells, stepping closer to Felix.

Felix’s head tilts downward even more.

“I said—!” She steps closer again, but Chan steps in.

“Leave him alone! It’s my fault!” Chan lies for Felix’s sake. “He didn’t do anything, I talked him into it!”

Felix’s mom seems shocked by Chan’s defense of Felix. It takes her a second to collect herself, and eerily calm and quiet, she says, “Leave. Get out of my house.”

Chan’s brows automatically furrow in a mixture of anger and confusion. His answer spills out of his mouth automatically. “No.”

“No?” Felix’s mom questions, incredulous. “Should I call the police?”

A hand touches Chan’s hip, lightly pushing him aside. “Go,” Felix’s deep voice instructs. “Just go.” 

Chan turns to look at his boyfriend. Felix looks at him with red, swollen eyes and tears staining his cheeks. Seeing him like this hurts. Felix isn’t meant for this—Felix is meant to be happy, smiling widely, eating good food or playing Mortal Kombat or Kirby’s Adventure.  

Felix gently pushes Chan again and gives him a nod. “It’s okay. Go.”

Chan can’t look away from his shiny, tear-filled eyes. He needs to leave, he knows that, but leaving Felix here alone to suffer his mother’s wrath is unbearable. He wishes he could grab Felix by the arm, push past his mom, and run off to some faraway place where they can be alone and have their happy ending together, like in the movies; but this isn’t a movie. In reality, running away would only make things worse for Felix when they’re inevitably forced to return.

So, Chan forces himself to turn away from Felix. Regretting it each step of the way, he makes his way downstairs to leave the house.

Chan wakes up with a start. Bewildered by the sounds of bustling people and the bright, fluorescent lights, he squints as he attempts to survey his surroundings. 

Right, he’s at an airport. In Washington D.C… His flight was cancelled last night, so he had to spend the night here.

And there was Felix.

Suddenly, Chan becomes aware of a previously long-forgotten but now suddenly nostalgic weight on his right shoulder. His heart skips a beat as everything quickly comes together. The weight is Felix’s head—his shiny black hair, freckled skin that stretches across heavenly-sculpted features, and skull that protects his most captivating and mysterious organ of all. 

Felix is sleeping on his shoulder, and Chan is at a complete and utter lost. One part of him doesn’t want to move—to stay as still as possible and savor this moment that will surely never come again in his life. The other part is screaming at him to wake Felix up—to not give into his doltish feelings that will only cause more harm than good. Chan is torn, but then, he sees the large windows in the distance. The sun is only just rising, but the outside is so bright, so white. Snow. 

Gently, Chan nudges Felix with his elbow. Felix makes a cute little humming sound before properly waking up. With brows furrowed in the confusion that can only come immediately after sleep, Felix looks at Chan.

“Sorry,” they quickly say at the same time.

Chan watches as Felix’s face morphs into a deeper confusion then into embarrassment. 

“No,” Felix says, his voice rough from sleep, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean t—”

“I’m going to go ask about the new flights,” Chan interrupts, not wanting to hear the words coming out of Felix. 

Before Felix can reattempt his apology, Chan stands up and walks away, leaving his things safely behind with Felix. 

“So… I don’t know what to do,” Chan says, sighing. The stupid fucking D.C. airport has no avaliable flights to get them any closer to Chicago. His choice of words to explain the situation to Felix wasn’t so angry, though. 

“We could hitchike or try to catch a bus, or train, or something,” Felix offers, hopeful as he was five years ago. Chan never suggested they travel together, even if they do have the same destination, but he chooses to stay quiet on that for now. “Any bit closer is an improvement. Today’s Saturday, and Christmas isn’t ‘til Thursday, so we have time on our side.”

“I don’t know,” Chan says. “It might be better to just cut our losses here. They have a flight tonight that goes straight to Providence. Catching a bus from there back to the City should be simple enough.” 

“And spend Christmas alone?” Felix asks seriously, taking Chan aback. “If you’re not with family, what even is Christmas?” 

“That’s what Christmas is to you?” Chan asks. “Aren’t you supposed to be Catholic?” 

Felix’s face flickers momentarily with a look of offense. “My family is Catholic.” 

‘You do everything else they want you to,’ Chan thinks, but he chooses to keep it to himself. 

“You’d rather hitchhike?” Chan asks. “That’s dangerous.”

“Well, hopefully we can find a bus,” Felix says. 

Chan stays quiet.

“Look, the flight to Providence isn’t until tonight, right?” Felix asks. “Let’s just go to a bus station and see what they have available. If nothing works, we can come back here and buy tickets to Providence.” 

Chan doesn’t know why he even considers the idea. Truthfully, he wouldn’t mind spending Christmas alone. His folks would be disappointed, sure, but there’s always next year. He would still have time off from work, and it would be nice to lounge around home a bit. 

On the other hand, he could travel with Felix for a couple days. As much as it would shred his heart to pieces, he would like to spend time with him. He missed Felix, and he’s not afraid to admit that to himself. Admitting it to Felix is another ordeal, though. 

“Okay… I’ll go with you to the bus station, but unless it’s a straight-shot to Chicago, I’m taking the flight back home.” 

Felix smiles widely. “Okay, great!” He turns his head to look toward the large windows. “We should probably go soon.”

Chan stands up and grabs his suitcase. “Let’s go, then.”

As if having prepared for this moment, Felix quickly hands the cash over to the taxi driver before Chan can even reach into his pocket for his wallet. Chan doesn’t appreciate that, but he lets it side just this once. Felix is just trying to be nice. The taxi driver pops the trunk, and Chan and Felix pull their suitcases out before heading into the station. 

Following the posted signs, it doesn’t take too long for them to reach their destination. Together, they wait in line to speak with a ticketing agent. Though not yet in the hour of seven, the station is getting steadily busier and chaotic with each passing minute. 

Felix stands behind him. Chan can’t feel him, or hear him, but he can sense him there. The perfect distance for reunited former lovers—far. It’s good this way, it’s safe and comfortable. 

“Good morning, how may I help you?” The ticketing man greets Chan flatly. He can’t blame him. He’d rather be in bed right now too. 

“Hey.” Chan musters up a small smile. “Do you have any tickets for Chicago? Or anywhere close?”

Without saying anything, the man looks through his computer. 

“Best we got is Pittsburgh.”

“Pittsburgh?” Chan asks in surprise. “That’s it? That’s three states away.”

“Yep.” The man nods.

Flustered, Chan turns to look at Felix behind him. 

Felix shrugs. “Pennsylvania’s better than D.C.” He looks at the man behind the counter. “No offense.”

The man pays Felix no mind. “Two tickets, then?” 

“I…” Chan trails off.

Is he really about to do this? Bus and hitchhike with Felix all the way to Chicago? It’s a dream come true if it were also the worst nightmare imaginable. Either way, Felix is getting a ticket; Chan can either go with him, or turn around and head back to the airport—and home in New York. Alone. Like always. 

“Yeah, two tickets,” Chan answers. “Paying separately, though.” 

Just a few minutes later, Chan and Felix are sprinting through the large station in search of their terminal. Unhelpfully, the man only told them their bus was set to leave in mere minutes after they finished the slow purchasing process. Two grown men struggling to sprint through the station with roller suitcases is probably not what anyone was wanting to see at seven in the morning, but Chan didn’t want to be one of those men, either.  

After getting turned around and accidentally heading to the wrong terminal, they manage to make it to their bus in the nick of time. Annoyed, the attendant helps them put their suitcases into the baggage compartment., then they quickly find their assigned seats next to each other, not wanting to hold everyone up any longer. Felix sits beside the window, and Chan sits beside him in the aisle seat, only exhaling once the bus begins to peel out of the terminal. 

Slowly, Chan’s eyes cut across to his right. Felix doesn’t notice him looking at him, too busy looking out the window at the early morning sky and streets. Feeling inexplicably relieved by Felix’s distracted state, Chan turns his head to fully look at him. Felix looks surprisingly good for someone who spent the night in an airport lobby. Chan can’t remember when or who dozed off first, but if Felix had fallen asleep first, surely Chan would remember that happening? If Chan fell asleep first, then that’s shocking. 

For a few years now, he’s been dealing with insomnia. After a few weeks, he went to see a doctor about it, but the doctor just said it was likely due to stress and prescribed him some sleeping pills. Chan only tried them for a couple days, then never again. They helped him fall asleep, sure, but the sleepiness carried well into the next day, which made him fall behind at work, which only caused him more stress. So, tossing and turning in bed it was. 

Somehow, he managed to fall asleep while sitting upright in a busy airport, though. That’s certainly a first. 

“What is it?” Felix’s deep voice asks, snapping Chan back to reality. 

“Wh-what?” Chan sputters. 

“You were staring at me,” Felix says, looking at Chan with a slightly worried face. “Is there something on my face, or…?” 

Chan shakes his head. “No. I was just thinking about something.” 

Uncomfortably, Felix’s eyes go downward then away before he turns his head to look forward. 

Great! Now, Felix is uncomfortable because he probably thinks that he was thinking about when they were together. 

“Do you know what the arrival time is?” Chan asks awkwardly. 

“1:45,” Felix answers easily, offering him only a glance. 

It kind of surprises Chan. He didn’t expect an exact answer. Apparently picking up on Chan’s surprise, Felix reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a brochure sloppily folded in half and hands it over to Chan. 

Chan unfolds it to see an outline of their route, including stops and times. The first stop is in only forty-five minutes. Of the three stops, the only one that’s longer than five minutes is Baltimore. It’s an hour and a half from now, but that would be a good opportunity to find something to eat. Felix used to get really cranky if he skipped any meals. 

“Do you still always eat breakfast?” Chan asks. 

Felix nods, wiggling in his bus seat in a bid to get comfortable. “Yeah.” 

“There’s a twenty minute break in Baltimore,” Chan explains. “Can you make it until then?”

Felix laughs then. “Yeah, I think I can manage.” 

Chan nods awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. “It’s just that… You know how you are when you’re hungry.” 

Felix laughs again and shakes his head in denial. “I’m older now. I’ll be fine.”

“Right…” Chan gives him a jokingly suspicious look. 

Smiling, Felix lightly swats at him. “What about you? You must be hungry to even bring it up.”

Chan puts his hands up in faux defense. “Well, I’m more patient than you.”

“Yeah, whatever. I’m infinitely more patient, and by the time we reach Chicago, you’ll be forced to admit it.”

“Forced?” Chan questions with an amused smile. 

“Yep. Forced.”

“See? You’re already threatening me. You are hungry.”

Felix rolls his eyes, but his lips are still curled into a smile. “Uh-huh.” 

Chan watches with a blank expression as Felix fights with the bus station’s vending machine. 

“Give me my money back, I’m gonna starve…” Felix says weakly, earning a laugh from Chan. Felix cuts his eyes at him. “Do you have something to say?” 

“No.” 

Felix turns back to the vending machine and continues begging it to give him his money back. Chan takes a long look around the station. It’s empty beside the people of their bus and the few employees. 

“Just shake it, Felix,” Chan says, stepping closer to the machine. Trying to be as gentle and subtle as possible, he shakes the vending machine, and soon, the sound of coins falling. He steps back and gestures for Felix to try to get something again. 

Felix pushes two buttons, and the machine is now back to its normal operation, dispensing a small bag of cheese puffs. 

“That’s what you chose?” Chan asks. “At 8:30 in the morning?” 

“Yep,” Felix answers, popping the ‘p’ sound and stepping back to make room for Chan. 

Chan quickly puts his own coins in to get a granola bar in return. With Felix already snacking on his cheese puffs, they then head back to the main seating area. 

“I hate Baltimore,” Felix randomly says. 

“What? When have you been to Baltimore?” Chan asks. 

“This is the third time, I think,” Felix explains. “I have to travel around for work sometimes. Mainly just New York and Chicago, but sometimes other places too.”

“Like Baltimore?” 

“Like Baltimore,” Felix repeats before munching on another puff. 

“Why would you have to travel?” Chan asks. “Your dad only does because he’s the CEO, right?”

“Well,” Felix sighs, “I’m an associate now, right? Dad plans to make me partner by 2008, at the latest. Then, I don’t know, maybe ten years after that, he’ll retire? I’ll take his place.”

Chan’s brows furrow. “In… fifteen years…?” 

“Yeah. I know it sounds crazy, but law is hard, and time passes by so quickly. I’m lucky to have the opportunity to assist with my current position.” 

“Is it not a bit above your pay grade?” Chan asks as politely as he can. 

Felix pauses. “It’s not— It doesn’t really… You just don’t understand. It’s fine.”

Chan feels awkward again. 

When they arrive in Pittsburgh, Chan and Felix are both practically ravenous, not having been able to have a proper meal since last night. After some asking around at the station, they’re pointed in the direction of a sub sandwich shop just a few minutes walk away. With their suitcases, they take off.

The route is simple. Walk until the first insection, turn right, keep walking until the next intersection, turn left and cross the street, then a little more walking, and ta-da! Sandwich time, and no more grumpy Felix. 

When they arrive, they quickly jaywalk to get to the other side of the street and head inside. The interior is typical of a chain sub sandwich shop that tries to seem Italian. They get in line, and Chan scans the overhead menu. 

Once Chan orders his wrap and pays, he steps aside for Felix to order. Felix orders something called a ‘Hot Sausage Explosion,’ and Chan can’t help wondering if he’s the only person thinking it’s a strangely dirty name for a sub. He laughs a little to himself—it suits Felix pretty well. When Felix turns around after paying to wait with him, and Chan sees his face, he feels guilty for thinking that. Felix, with his innocent face, has no idea of the memories now running through Chan’s head. It’s shameful. 

They sit down at a small table in the back, a dimly-lit corner, as they wait for their food. Sitting across from Chan, Felix sips at his soda quietly. 

Chan’s wrap doesn’t take long to prepare, and when the guy at the counter calls for him, Chan goes to get it. As he walks to the front counter, he realizes how private their table is at the back. It’s a weird thought since they’re just at a shitty sub chain, but glancing back at Felix nervously sipping his soda through the plastic straw, it feels remarkably like they’re on a date. More specifically, one of the first ones—back when Chan wasn’t sure if Felix liked him as more than a friend, and when Felix was unsure if two men could even be in a romantic relationship together. It was a weird time. Chan figured the new Catholic school kid would be sheltered, but he never expected a seventeen year-old could be that sheltered. 

With his wrap in hand, Chan turns to return to their table just as Felix’s order is called out. He watches as Felix stands up, but he looks away when they cross paths. Still, their shoulders brush just barely, and it’s so sad. Suddenly, the grief for what they once had fills Chan entirely. He wishes he could go back in time—talk Felix out of the breakup, talk to Felix’s parents and try to get them to understand, convince Felix to stand up to his parents for good, anything. He should’ve done more, but he didn’t. So, here they are: strangers in a sub shop in Pittsburgh. Chan could have never predicted this. 

He hurries back to his seat and takes a long, deep breath. He needs to get himself together before Felix comes back. Another deep breath. It’s okay. It’s fine. The past is the past.  

Felix sits down across from Chan, holding his sandwich. Chan watches as he unwraps it. 

“Hot Sausage Explosion,” Felix says with no affect, focused on picking up his sandwich.

“What?” 

“It’s kind of funny, right?” Felix asks before taking a bite out of said Hot Sausage Explosion. 

Chan blinks at him. Felix stares back as he chews. 

“I heard you laugh,” Felix says finally. 

“Do you know why I laughed?” Chan asks, his boldness surprising even himself. “Like, specifically why.” 

“Is it the obvious reason, or the obvious reason?” Felix asks sarcastically. 

Is this the best acknowledgement he’ll ever get out of Felix?

“Yeah,” Chan answers after a moment of silence. Looking down, he unwraps his wrap. “It’s the obvious one.” 

Felix hums. “Thought so.” 

Felix takes another bite of his sandwich, and they make eye contact. Cahn can’t quiet read the emotion veiled behind Felix’s eyes, but it looks something like bitterness. 

Chan takes his first bite of his wrap. It’s dry. 

The woman shakes her head. “I’m sorry, but we don’t have anything heading west until tomorrow evening.” 

Chan sighs. “Alright, thanks anyway.” He steps out of line, pulling Felix behind him. “Now we’re stuck... I guess we’ll have to try to find a motel or someth—”

“We could hitchhike,” Felix proposes. 

“We talked about this at the airport,” Chan argues. “We can’t just hop into strangers’ cars. It’s not safe. Besides, we’re two grown men, I doubt anyone would want to pick us up.”

“I could pass as a teenager,” Felix says. 

Chan eyes him up and down. “I don’t think so… And if you did look like a teenager, that would just attract creeps who would hit on you.” 

Felix rolls his eyes. “Look, when people pull over, we’ll scope them out. If they seem weird, we’ll come up with some excuse.”

“Ever heard of Ted Bundy? He seemed normal.” 

“Ever heard of Richard Ramirez? He was an obvious weirdo.” 

Chan gawks at Felix. “What’s your point, exactly? I know you don’t think every dangerous person wears a sign on their forehead announcing it. You live in New York.”

Felix frowns. “People hitchhike all the time. It’s no big deal, Chan. Ever heard of something called ‘adventure?’”

“You’re joking,” Chan says. “I guess risking bodily harm is technically an adventure, but it’s not really one I want to embark on, personally, and I highly suggest you not do it either.” 

Felix raises his brows. “You want to split up?”

“No,” Chan says automatically. “I just mean that you’re your own person, and I can’t stop you from hitchhiking, but I’m not doing it.” 

“So you’d just abandon me here in Pittsburgh, all alone, in the middle of winter?” Felix pouts. “You’d let me get kidnapped and murdered? What would you tell my parents?” 

Chan sputters. “You want me to get kidnapped and murdered with you!?”  

“Yes,” Felix says, grinning. “Come on, Chan, seriously. We’ll be fine! Look at us, we seem nice and friendly. People would love to pick us up and help us get home in time for Christmas!”

“People would love robbing us in time for Christmas,” Chan corrects. 

“You have muscles! No one will rob us.”

“Felix—”

“Seriously, Chan,” Felix says, getting serious, “We can either spend the night and most of tomorrow here, or we can actually get home in time for Christmas. You hate wasting time, and this is the most obvious solution to our little stranded problem.” 

Chan exhales slowly as he mulls it over. 

Felix lowers his voice and leans in a little closer. “Like I said, if it feels off at all, then we won’t get in. You’ve always been good at reading people. I trust you.”

Chan pulls away to look at Felix. He clearly means what he says. Chan cannot believe he’s even considering the idea, but Felix has always been persuasive. 

“Fine,” Chan says, and Felix smiles. “But, let’s try really hard to not get murdered, okay?” 

“Okay!” Felix exclaims excitedly. “This will be so much fun!” 

Having agreed on heading to a nearby gas station, Chan and Felix hail a cab to the nearest one. This time, Chan is quick to let the driver know they want to split the cost. 

As soon as they arrive at the gas station, Felix fearlessly heads straight to a tall, burly man filling up his red pickup truck’s gas tank. 

“Hey, that’s nice truck!” Felix greets him as Chan hurries to catch up, praying that the guy is at least somewhat friendly. “You don’t happen to be heading west, do you?” 

“Heading to Ohio,” the man answers, his voice gruff. 

“Ohio? That’d be great for us! Me and my buddy are trying to get home to Illinois in time for Chrismas!” 

“Wouldn’t it be better to call your folks?” The man asks. 

Felix doesn’t falter. “We don’t wanna bother them. How far are you going? We might could split the cost of what you got there.” He gestures toward the gas pump. 

“Youngstown,” the man answers. “It’s about sixty miles northwest.” 

Felix glances back at Chan to confirm. Chan nods. 

“Alright, what’s your total here?” Felix asks about the gas. 

“You’re gonna have to ride in the back,” the man says. “No room for you both in the front.” 

“Oh, that’s alright! We don’t mind.”

Chan thinks he does mind, actually. 

Sitting in the bed of a stranger’s truck in the snow is very much something to mind. 

Felix is obviously freezing, but would never admit it. His nose is so pink he looks like Rudolph’s long-lost little brother. 

“I’m sorry,” Chan says over the wind of the moving truck, “but this has got to be your worst idea ever.”

“Huh?” Felix says too loudly. “Come on, it’s not that bad!” 

“We’re sitting in the back of a truck, in the snow, heading in the general direction of home.”

“Okay, but we’ve made progress, haven’t we? This is a once in a lifetime experience… admit you’re having fun.”

“I’m not having fun,” Chan states plainly. 

“Remember that snowstorm in college?” Felix asks. “I talked you into going outside with me that morning, and we had a snowball fight. You said you weren’t having fun then too, but you obviously were. You just didn’t wanna admit it.”

Chan laughs. “I was freezing. You were the fun one.”

Felix laughs. “It was fun… We had fun together.” 

“Of course we had fun,” Chan says. “I never said that we didn’t have fun… We had a lot of good times together.”

“Yeah,” Felix says. 

Then, quiet again. 

Chan carefully scoots closer to Felix. If they sit closer together, then it should help trap a little body heat between them. Felix is shivering, and it’s better than nothing. 

They’re dropped off at another gas station in Youngstown, Ohio. 

After a quick warm up inside, the first person Felix tries is a tall but thin man. He’s fiddling with something in the bed of his truck, and as they get closer, Chan realizes that he’s tying down a tarp. There’s something underneath it—something large and weirdly-shaped. 

“Hey!” Felix greets brightly, not noticing what Chan is seeing. “Are you going west? We’re headed for Chicago.”

“Sure,” the man answers. “I can take you part of the way. Go ahead and hop into the backseat to get out of this cold.” 

“Oh, thank—”

Chan interrupts Felix. “What’s under there?” He points to the tarp.

“Just some stuff,” the man says quickly. “Nothing interesting.” 

Chan glances at Felix, who looks at him confused. “We’ll find someone else.” He grabs Felix by the arm and gently pulls him away from the man and his truck. 

“You’re being too paranoid,” Felix complains once the man is out of earshot. 

“You’re being too trusting,” Chan complains back. 

It takes some time, but eventually they encounter a trucker. 

“A trucker’s perfect,” Felix whispers to Chan as they head toward the man and his truck. “Hopefully, he can get us out of Ohio.”

Upon closer inspection, the trucker is a man who a beer belly and greasy hair. He’s puffing on a cigarette, and his cab is cluttered with fast food wrappers and trash. As Chan and Felix approach him, he eyes Felix up and down, not even bothering to hide it or disguise it as something else. He looks a little too happy when Felix speaks to him. 

“Hey there,” Felix says. “Are you going west, by any chance? We’re trying to get to Chicago.”

Ignoring Chan’s presence, the truckers grins, and instantly, Chan knows that whatever comes out of his mouth will be sleazy and gross. “Depends. You riding in the front seat or the sleeper?” 

“What?” Felix asks, not understanding the man’s harassment. 

Chan steps in. “He’s riding nowhere. Thanks.” 

“What?” Felix questions again. “Chan, he didn’t mean—”

Chan nudges him to walk away from the trucker. “He did. Let’s go.” 

They continue to walk away in silence. 

“I can’t believe…” Chan trails off. “See, this is what I meant—weird, creepy guys.” 

“But he was just asing if I wanted t—”

“He was asking you to get into his bed, Felix,” Chan explains. “It doesn’t get much more clear than that.” 

“At least he’s… progressive?” Felix tries, but quickly shuts up when Chan gives him a stern look. 

They spend nearly an hour at the gas station before finding someone normal. A young married—and chatty—couple driving fifty miles to Akron. Eager to leave Youngstown, Chan and Felix hop into their car without much second thought. Though the evening is still young, it’s dark out, and Chan and Felix are too cold and tired to continue on for the day. Fortunately, the couple is nice enough to drop them off at a motel. 

“Please tell me you have two available rooms,” Chan starts with. 

The woman at the front desk laughs a bit. “Let me just check…” She types something into her computer. “Okay, so we only have two rooms available, but unfortunately, they’re not really ideal. One room has two beds, but the heater is broken; other room has a functioning heater, but only one bed…”

Sick of their bad luck, Chan quietly turns to look at Felix.

He shrugs. “I guess we can share.”

Chan turns back to the woman. “We’ll take the room with a heater.”

After splitting the cost on their credit cards and receiving the room key, the walk to their shared room is awkward at best. It’s even worse when Chan unlocks the door, and they come face to face with their new reality. Sharing a bed with your ex is very healthy and normal—that’s what Chan keeps telling himself. If he says it in his head enough times, it must become true eventually. 

“Wanna play rock-paper-scissors to see who showers first?” Felix asks. 

Chan turns around to face him. 

Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot. 

Chan plays scissors, and Felix plays rock. 

“Nice,” Felix says, celebrating his victory. Laying his suitcase on the floor, he opens it and quickly pulls out some clothes before disappearing into the bathroom. 

Now alone in the room, Chan sighs. He looks at the bed—it’s a standard queen-size. Room for two, but not with much extra room. Chan was hoping for a king, at least then he could maybe stick a pillow or two between them. If it weren’t a motel, he would probably just sleep on the floor and let Felix take the bed for himself. 

Chan lays his suitcase down on the floor beside Felix’s. As he unzips it, he glances over at Felix’s filled-to-the-brim suitcase. He packed like he was never coming back to New York. Chan knows that he probably shouldn’t be looking into Felix’s suitcase, but he’s not touching anything. Just looking is fine, right? 

His suitcase is surprisingly organized, likely to fit as much inside as possible. Folded clothes, folded underwear and socks. He left his toiletry bag, probably forgot it in his hurry to jump into the shower. Once Chan begins to wonder what kinds of things he could have inside it, he knows it’s time to look away.

Chan usually sleeps naked, so knowing that he would just be sleeping in his childhood bedroom alone while visiting home, he didn’t pack any clothes to sleep in. After some digging around, he realizes that his only real option is boxers and a sweatshirt. 

Hearing the shower turn off in the bathroom, Chan grabs his clothing and stands up. He doesn’t know why, but he feels uncomfortable for Felix to see him just standing there waiting around, so he kneels on the floor again to pretend like he’s doing something productive with his suitcase. 

Luckily, Felix exits the bathroom soon. Chan stands up and turns to enter the bathroom for his turn, but when he sees Felix, he freezes. 

Felix’s freshly washed black hair is wet and dripping water droplets onto his T-shirt—a thin, white material. Each droplet onto his shoulders and back makes the fabric a little see-through. His shorts are plain and black, but… short—showing his bare thighs, the very thighs Chan can still remember the feel of. Felix just is standing there, normal as can be, completely unaware of Chan internally breaking down before him. 

Not letting himself linger any longer, Chan quickly heads into the bathroom with his clothes in hand. He makes sure to lock the door behind himself. 

Unsurprisingly, the bathroom is small, but it’ll serve its purpose. Chan turns on the water to give it time to warm up. Peeling off his clothes, he looks at the mirror, still fogged up from Felix’s shower. Felix was just in here, undressing, and then showering… His hands roaming over his body under the warm water. The warmth was probably a relief after the day they’ve had… Maybe he even let out a small, contented sigh… or maybe his sigh was a little more relieved than content, almost like a moan. 

Chan steps into the shower. Unable to stop the thoughts, Chan pictures Felix washing himself. On the few occasions they got to shower together, Felix always started with washing the hair. Shampoo sudsing, covering his dark hair. Then, he’d rinse it all out before applying conditioner. Felix never skipped conditioner, and Chan had to give in to him, his hair was always so soft. While letting the conditioner sit, Felix would wash his body, starting with his neck and working his way down. Chan pictures the way Felix’s small hands would move across his own body, over his soft skin and light body hair. His hand would move over a nipple, then down over his stomach, and farther down until it reached his cock. 

Chan shudders at the image, and then suddenly realizes that his own hand is wrapped around his hard cock. He’s touching himself to the thought of Felix… He hasn’t done that in years. He’s spent less than twenty-four hours with Felix after five years, and now this is what he’s doing? Stroking his cock over him? 

Chan feels guilt as his hand continues to slide over his cock. He can’t stop. It feels too good, and Felix is too pretty to not think about. He still remembers everything—every little freckle, curve and strand of hair on his body. He knows it as well as he knows his own. He knows every way to pull Felix apart at the seams and put him back together again. He knows what every exhale, moan and whine means. He knows when to slow down and when to speed up. He knows everything. 

He knows how Felix likes to be opened up: one finger, then two, then skip straight ahead to his cock. Felix likes the stretch, likes to struggle a little bit, so he can feel accomplished when Chan’s cock slides out without an ounce of resistance. 

Chan’s hand speeds up. He’s already so close, and maybe he should be embarrassed, but if anyone can make him cum in under five minutes, it would be Felix. With his hand moving restlessly, Chan bites down on his lip to keep quiet. His cock twitches once, twice before spilling. As he cums, Chan looks down to see it fall to the shower floor. He imagines it’s Felix’s pretty back instead. His hand keeps moving, working to make the pleasure last as long as possible. Much too soon, everything becomes too sensitive. Chan strokes one more drop of cum out before washing his hand off under the now lukewarm water. 

When Chan leaves the bathroom, Felix is already asleep. He lies on the right side of the bed, that was always his side. Chan turns off the lights. With Felix facing away, Chan quietly crawls into bed behind him. 

Despite his orgasm and exhaustion of the day, Chan tosses and turns, unable to fall asleep. After maybe an hour, he climbs out of bed to go to the bathroom. He doesn’t really need to use the bathroom, but just lying in bed unable to sleep is beyond frustrating. 

When Chan returns to the dark room and climbs back into bed, Felix sleepily mumbles, “’re still warm…”

Chan momentarily freezes, unsure if he woke Felix up or not. His stomach twists into knots as overwhelming memories of the past come to him for the nth time of the day. It seems they’re unavoidable. 

Chan turns over to lie on his side, facing away from Felix. Almost immediately, Felix snuggles closer into his back. Chan’s body naturally tenses up, but Felix says nothing. He must be doing it in his sleep. Soon, Chan feels the irresistible pull of sleep tugging him under. 

Chapter Text

Chan wakes up to a weird sound of something unzipping and rustling. From where he lies on his back, he lifts his head to see Felix rifling through his suitcase. He lets his head fall back down against the pillow. He tries to say something, to scold Felix for waking him up, but it comes out as a mumbled, incoherent sound. 

“What?” Felix asks, evidently having heard. 

Chan hears his knees pop as he stands up to come closer. 

“Chan, get up,” Felix says sternly. “It’s getting late, so if you want dinner, then we need to go.” 

Chan was not aware their sleep was only supposed to be a nap. He groans. 

“If you don’t wanna go, that’s fine, but I’m not bringing food back,” Felix says, walking back to his suitcase. 

“What time is it?” Chan asks, voice gravely from a hard nap. 

“Almost nine,” Felix answers. 

So… they got to the motel around five, then took showers, then… 

Chan slowly sits up. His stomach aches with hunger. 

“Hurry up, I’m starving,” Felix urges. 

Chan looks up at him, already dressed and ready to go in a hoodie and sweatpants, with his coat in hand. “You weren’t going to wake me up?” 

Felix doesn’t answer immediately. “I didn’t want to disturb you, and you said you had insomnia… I don’t know.” 

Paying him no mind, Chan stands up and kneels down by his own suitcase. Quickly, he pulls out some comfortable but warm clothes and heads off to the bathroom to change. 

“So, it’s that way,” Chan says, pointing in a direction, “then turn left, then right?” 

“Yeah,” the motel clerk at the front desk answers, “then go straight for a while, and you should see it. 

“Okay,” Chan says, nodding. “Thank you.” 

Sensing Felix is no longer standing near him, Chan turns and scans the small lobby in search of him. 

Felix stands near the back, looking at a mostly empty bulletin board. 

Chan approaches him. “Felix,” he says softly. 

Not bothering to turn around and look at him, Felix points at a brightly colored flyer. “‘Christmas Lights and Late Night Bites,’” he reads aloud. 

Chan steps closer to see. The back of Felix’s shoulder touches his chest, but he tries to ignore it. The flyer’s heading says as Felix read. Under that, it states that the event has ‘beautiful light displays, local food trucks, live acoustic music, and hot drinks.’ Chan squints at it in doubt before turning his head to look at Felix. 

The proximity doesn’t seem to bother Felix. Still looking forward at the flyer, he reads out the address—some sort of park. “From seven to midnight. Right now is… in that time.” 

Feeling uncomfortable with the closeness, Chan steps back. “Let’s just go get a burger, so we can come back and sleep.” 

“You really don’t want to go to this?” Felix asks, finally turning to look at Chan. 

“I really don’t.”

“What? Why not?” Felix asks. “When was the last time you went to something like this?”

“Uh… high school? College maybe?” Chan tries. 

Felix stares at him. He’s thinking about something, Chan can tell by the blank, vacant look in his eyes. Eventually, Felix speaks. “Let’s go. This is probably the only time either of us will ever be in Akron. Let’s make some memories.” 

Yeah, that’s exactly what Chan needs—more memories with Felix to mull over and lament. 

“No.”

“Chan…” Felix stares at him for another moment, clearly itching to say something but unable to find the right words. “Please? Just this one thing?” 

Strangely, Felix’s plea catches Chan off guard. His words are simple, but his tone is so… sincere. He’s only asking Chan to go to an event with him, but it feels like he means something more by it. Why? 

Chan doesn’t know what to say. 

Felix looks away, back at the flyer. “It’s probably… It’s better than just a burger, isn’t it?” He forces out a little laugh, turning to look at Chan again. 

Chan reluctantly nods. “I guess so…” 

Felix looks back at the flyer, then turns to head over to the front desk. Staying still, Chan listens as Felix asks for directions. 

The event at the park is somehow both exactly what Chan expected and the complete opposite. Akron isn’t a nothing town, but it certainly isn’t Chicago or New York, either, so his expectations were low. 

The entrance of the park is a large walkway, and colorful lights make up an archway resembling a sort of tunnel. Once past the tunnel, there are numerous separate light displays of snowmen, reindeer, angels, elves, and Santa Claus. The park’s trees are decorated with their own lights, and it’s a bit impressive. The Christmas light displays aren’t bad at all. It’s clear that whatever organization or committee organized the event genuinely tried to make it as nice and interesting as possible.

There are three food trucks, all labeled with names of restaurants Chan assumes are local. One of the trucks is strictly dedicated to the hot drinks promised on the flyer. The acoustic music was a bit of a stretch. Music is playing, alternating between Christmas-themed music and acoustic versions of currently popular songs, but there is no live playing, as one would assume upon seeing the flyer. 

Admission was free, though, so Chan can’t complain. Felix seems satisfied with everything. With the colorful lights everywhere shining down on them, Chan’s eyes naturally keep being pulled to Felix’s face. Illuminated in a warm glow, Felix idly sips at his hot chocolate. Aside from the music, noises of children playing around and adults talking fill the outdoor space. Despite the commotion, the atmosphere of the lights in the nighttime brings about a cozy, private feeling. It feels like they’re in their own little private bubble. 

With his own cup of hot chocolate warming his hands, Chan tries to pull his eyes away from Felix to no avail. He’s glowing angelically, and Chan is filled with an unexplainable sense of déjà vu and grief over what could’ve been. What would life be like had they never broken up? Is there any possible universe in existence where they never parted ways? Is there one where they’re sitting on this very bench, still in love with each other? Chan’s face suddenly warms. 

“Remember that time you spilled hot chocolate all over me?” Felix asks suddenly, turning his head to look at Chan. 

“What?” Chan asks. 

Felix’s brows shoot up in surprise. “You don’t remember? Hm, perpetrators really don’t remember the crimes like the victims do, I guess.” 

Chan stares at him. 

“The Great Hot Chocolate Incident of 1995,” Felix says simply, and the memory comes back to Chan. 

It was their freshman year of college. Every year, their college hosted a hot chocolate event for freshman in early December. Chan and Felix went, of course, mainly because Felix wanted to experience everything there was in college. The event was usually hosted outside, but that winter had been particularly cold, so it was moved to a cafeteria. 

As they sat at a table and talked with other freshmen, Chan reached across the table to grab a napkin, but he was distracted by the conversation and accidentally knocked his paper cup over, spilling hot chocolate right into Felix’s lap. 

Felix gasped loudly and started frantically fanning his lap. “If you don’t like me, you could’ve just said so, Chan! You didn’t have to attempt murder!” 

The group of students at the table laughed at Felix’s overreaction, but Chan was worried he burned Felix. 

“I’m so sorry!” Chan quickly grabbed napkins and dabbed at Felix’s jeans. “Are you okay? It’s not too hot, right?” 

“It’s okay.” Felix laughed, gently pushing Chan’s hand away. “It’s alright, just a little warm.”

“Oh,” Chan says stupidly. 

“This whole time I’ve just been looking at you with that hot chocolate.” Felix laughs, eyeing the hot chocolate held safely in Chan’s two hands. “I can’t trust you with it.” 

Chan blinks, then makes a sudden move as if to spill the hot chocolate on Felix’s lap. 

Felix quickly leans away. “Stop!” He laughs. 

Chan lets himself laugh too. Still laughing, Felix leans in toward him again, placing a hand on Chan’s thigh in the process. Chan tries to pretend like he doesn’t notice or even care, but Felix’s hand disappears much too disappointingly soon. 

“Anyway, just be careful with that thing, alright?” Felix teases, pointing at Chan’s cup. 

Chan nods. “I’ll try.” 

Felix takes a small sip of his drink. “Thanks for coming with me. Tonight, I mean, or well— You know what I mean.” 

Chan nods again. “Yeah… You don’t have to thank me, though. Like you said, making memories in Akron and all that.”

“I just wanted to,” Felix says, referring to thanking Chan. “I’m glad we… ended up here, even though it wasn’t planned.” 

“I am too,” Chan says carefully. “It’s nice here. Better than I expected.”

“Yeah… Me too.” 

Chan wakes up first in the morning. He wonders why he feels so hot and sweaty, then he realizes there’s a pair of arms wrapped around his waist and a head resting on his chest. He looks down to see a mess of black hair. Chan takes a deep breath. Felix doesn’t budge in the slightest. 

Chan knows he should move before Felix wakes up. If Felix sees him allowing this, he’ll look like a sorry creep at best and a pervert at worst. Chan’s body refuses to cooperate, though. He missed this. Cuddling with Felix is just about the nicest thing there is in this Godforsaken world. It’s a little too hot, but Chan can always bear it. He can’t even remember the last time he woke up like this, with someone who reaches out for him even while completely unconscious. 

It doesn’t really mean much, and Chan knows that deep down. They’re sleeping in the same bed; it’s not wild to believe that Felix naturally reached out to hold whatever was nearby while asleep. Plenty of people do that. Chan’s done it. Felix has done it. Nothing about it is abnormal. 

But Felix’s head is resting on his chest, and it would be so easy for Chan to reach up to pet it. He can imagine the feeling of Felix’s soft hair under his fingertips so well, as if the last time was just yesterday. 

Regrettably, Chan gently pushes Felix off enough to weasel his way out from under him. Now standing, Chan confirms that he’s still sleeping before pulling the covers over him a little higher to keep him from getting cold. He grabs some clothes before slinking off to take another shower. 

After a quick shower, Chan turns the water off before stepping out. He grabs a towel and thoroughly dries himself off, assuming he’ll have to wake Felix himself after finishing up. Chan places the towel down on the counter to grab his underwear when the bathroom door suddenly comes flying open. 

Silently, Felix gawks at Chan.

Frozen in place, all Chan can do is stare back. 

Felix blinks a few times, and a seemingly reminiscent look comes to grace his face. Quiet and painfully awkward, Felix turns and leaves, closing the door behind him. 

With his heart pounding in his chest, Chan stands in the bathroom alone. What just happened? Felix just barged in, stared at his naked body, then left? 

Chan pulls his underwear on. 

Felix definitely saw everything, full frontal. He’s seen it all before, but that was five years ago and in a very different context and relationship. As strangers, Felix just stared at his fucking dick.  

Felix bites his lip coyly as he looks up at Chan with big, innocent doe eyes. His small hand looks even smaller wrapped around Chan’s cock. He strokes it slowly, not letting the awkward angle of lying in bed facing each other hinder him. 

Chan can only stare at him with hooded eyes and admiration. Felix is so pretty, and his hand feels so good, and Chan couldn’t be happier that this is all his. 

“Do you like it, Daddy?” Felix asks, not pausing his motion. “Such a nice, big cock… I love how it feels.”

“Yeah?” Chan teases. “Feels good in your hand? Think about it on your tongue, all thick and heavy.”

The red flush on Felix’s face deepens. His breathing is quick, and Chan hasn’t even touched him yet. Felix pauses the stroking to swipe his thumb over Chan’s tip, collecting the precum gathered there. Holding eye contact, Felix brings his thumb to his lips, tongue darting out to lick Chan’s precum off it. 

“Fuck…” Chan curses breathlessly. 

He grabs Felix’s hips and pulls him closer. Felix tries to kiss him, but he swerves to bring his lips to Felix’s neck instead. He starts with kisses but quickly graduates to hickeys that leave Felix a panting, horny mess. Felix wraps his arms around Chan, fingers digging into his back. Chan kisses his way up Felix’s neck and jaw until he reaches his lips. 

When he finally kisses Felix, he can taste remnants of his precum on Felix’s tongue. Chan leans over Felix to cover him completely with his own body. Felix spreads his legs easily, making space for Chan to lie between them. Chan reaches inside Felix’s T-shirt, pushing it up all the way, revealing his cute, pink nipples to the world that is their dorm room. 

Next, Chan reaches down to Felix’s waistband. He breaks the kiss and pulls back a little to pull Felix’s underwear off. Lower half now bare, Felix spreads his legs again, giving Chan the perfect view of everything. Felix’s cock isn’t big—far from it, actually—but Chan loves it. He loves all of Felix, especially the places that only he gets to see. 

Cupping Felix’s ass with one hand, Chan brings his other hand to Felix’s cock. Taking hold of it, he gently strokes. Felix lets out a small hum. 

“So pretty, baby,” Chan praises, “all of you.” 

“Daddy, I want you,” Felix pleads, too impatient for teasing. He reaches down to take Chan’s cock in his hand again. He tries to aim it downward at his hole, but because of their position, the best he can do is make the head touch his balls; but Felix is versatile if nothing else, and he rubs Chan’s cock over them anyway. 

Amused, Chan removes his hands from Felix’s body to take over. He leans over him again and grabs his cock from Felix, rubbing the head over Felix’s lubed and pre-stretched hole. Slowly, he presses inside. 

“I didn’t hear the water running, so I thought you went outside for something,” Felix explains once Chan comes out of the bathroom fully dressed. “Why didn’t you lock the door?”

“I did,” Chan answers. “The lock’s probably broken or something.”

“It might also be because it’s so early in the morning,” Felix admits. “I hate waking up this early.” 

“Aren’t you a lawyer?”

“The firm opens at eight, but I usually don’t come in until nine unless I have to,” Felix explains as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I’m not an early morning person.”

Chan knows. 

“I didn’t wake you up,” Chan says. “You were still asleep when I went to the bathroom.”

“How am I supposed to sleep after you get up?” Felix returns without skipping a beat. 

What is that supposed to mean?  

Chan tries to brush it off. 

“Just get ready so we can check out of here. Hopefully the next place will have more than one room available.” 

“What about breakfast?” Felix asks. 

Sitting in a booth at an Akron diner, Chan cuts into his waffle, topped with canned peaches and whipped cream. Felix sits across from him, digging into his own breakfast. 

“Want some?” Chan teases. He holds his fork out to Felix, a perfectly-sized bite of waffle sitting atop it. 

Felix gives him a look. “No.” 

Chan laughs to himself. Felix has always been clear about his opinion on the debate of waffles versus pancakes, oftentimes unprompted. Watching him eat, Chan takes a bite of his waffle. With their early start, if they get lucky today with the cars they catch rides with, they should be able to make it to Chicago by tonight. If not tonight, then tomorrow at the latest. Chan’s relieved, of course. Today is the twenty-first, so this way, he would still have plenty of time to relax with family before having to fly back to New York. With how hard it was to get this much time off from work, he needs to enjoy it the best he can. 

Arriving in Chicago means parting ways with Felix, though. It’s only been a couple days; Chan really shouldn’t feel so sad about it, but it’s… disappointing. Spending this time with Felix has been strangely refreshing, despite the recurring awkwardness. It’s hard to just walk away from this like they never met again. They live in the same city, for God’s sake. Until Christmas, they’ll be staying in the same city—hell, even the sa—

“Might be our last day together,” Felix says quietly, looking down at his plate. Perfect timing. 

“Yeah.” Chan nods. “If we’re lucky, we should get home by dark.” 

Felix nods back. “It’s been interesting, right? I mean, what are the chances of us being on the same flights, one of them getting cancelled because of snow in D.C., and us agreeing to hitchhike together?” 

The only part of that that seems highly unlikely is it snowing in D.C.

“Yeah,” Chan says instead. “It’s certainly a coincidence.” 

“It’s the last part that’s most shocking,” Felix says, laughing. “Most people in our circumstance would rather drop dead than travel this far together.” 

Exes, he means. Chan wishes he would say it, even just once. Maybe he doesn’t now because they’re in public, but he never acknowledges it directly. That unspoken truth of their past—how they know each other in the first place—is uncomfortably heavy. 

Chan just nods. 

“I never imagined this would happen…” Felix continues, avoiding looking up at Chan. “Never mind that I would suggest it…” 

Chan stays quiet, waiting for Felix to finish and get to whatever he actually wants to say. 

It doesn’t come. 

Felix simply allows the words to fizzle out before they leave his lips. 

It’s awkward again as Felix takes a sip of his coffee. 

Chan cuts off another piece of waffle. He brings it to his lips. Chews it. Swallows it. Then, using his fork, he scoops up a slice of peach. 

“Peach?”

Silently, Felix nods.

Chan carefully places the peach on the side of Felix’s plate. 

After they finish eating, they pay their separate bills. Once again, Chan is glad to be getting home. These extra, unplanned costs are starting to add up a little too far past his liking. They walk out the diner, suitcases rolling behind them, and Felix sticks his thumb out. 

Most cars and trucks pass without so much as a glance, and the powdery snow falls down on them without mercy. Chan sits on his suitcase as he watches Felix pace around, still holding his thumb out at the passing cars. He’s not wearing gloves. 

Chan stands up and walks over. “Hey, let’s switch.”

Felix turns to look back at him, a silent question hanging in the air. 

“You don’t have gloves,” Chan explains, then gestures with his thumb for Felix to take his place waiting with their luggage. 

Felix looks over at their suitcases and seems to briefly consider it before burying his hands into his coat pockets and doing as asked. 

Standing near the road, Chan sticks his thumb out. Likewise, cars continue to pass by. 

After some several boring minutes, Chan feels something hit him in the back. Confused, he turns around only to see Felix kneeling on the ground, bare hands busy forming snow into a ball. 

“What are you d—”

Chan gets cut off by a large snowball hitting him square in the chest. As he stumbles back a step or two, Felix laughing rings out. Seeing Felix kneeling again to make another snowball, Chan quickly reaches down to make one of his own. 

Quickly gathering some snow in his gloved hands, Chan tries to return the friendly fire back to Felix, but he dodges just in time, falling over in the snow. 

As Felix scrambles to stand, Chan takes the opportunity to make another snowball, quickly hurling it at him. Just as Felix gets to a stand, the snowball hits him in the ass. 

“Ack!” Felix turns back to face Chan again. “Okay, that was a good one! Lucky shot.” 

“Yeah, whatever,” Chan replies, gathering up more snow. “I’ll show you a lucky shot.” 

Before Chan can throw his snowball, Felix hits him in the stomach. 

“How are you so fast?” Chan yells out as Felix tries to make a run for it. 

“I’m not—you’re just slow!” Felix answers, running away. 

“Be careful!” Chan calls out. “You’re gonna slip.” 

Sure enough, Felix practically faceplants into the snow just as the words leave Chan’s lips.

Chan rushes over to check on him lying limp in the snow. “Are you o—”

Just then, Felix flips over, throwing a snowball right into Chan’s groin. 

“Fuck,” Chan curses, dropping to his knees automatically. 

Felix laughs hysterically. It takes a few seconds for Chan to realize that it didn’t hurt as badly as he thought it would, and the light sting slowly but surely fades away. 

“That’s dirty, even for you,” Chan scolds, lunging forward in an unsuccessful attempt to grab Felix by the leg. 

Felix laughs harder as Chan manages to stand again. With Felix distracted, he makes a large snowball and hucks it at Felix, hitting him high on the thigh. 

“Hey!” Felix exclaims. “Don’t try to get revenge now!” 

“Why not?” Chan asks, hurrying to make another snowball. “An eye for an eye.” He glances up at Felix just in time to see the sadistic smile get wiped off his face. 

“Chan, Chan, Chan,” Felix says quickly in a panic as Chan nears him, snowball in hand. Felix gestures at him with open palms and bends at the waist in an attempt to keep himself safe. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please!” 

Chan laughs at the display. Teasingly, he pretends to throw it at Felix’s groin, and Felix flinches. 

“Truce, truce!” Felix exclaims. 

Tentatively, Chan lowers his right arm but keeps the snowball in hand. Looking at Felix’s expression, he seems genuine, but Chan’s been burned by him ten too many times. 

“Please, Channie?” Felix begs. 

Chan blinks, momentarily caught off-guard by the nickname, but Felix seems to have not noticed the slip. He drops the snowball. “Fine, but if you throw another, I’ll make you regret it.” 

Felix nods eagerly. “Alright, I won’t, I promise.” 

Chan slowly takes a couple steps backward before turning away. He takes one, two, three steps before getting hit in the back again. 

Chan quickly spins around and reaches down to make another snowball. He makes sure to not pack it too densely. 

Meanwhile, Felix grins at him, eagerly awaiting Chan’s revenge. 

With the snowball in hand, Chan closes in on Felix once more. Felix holds his hands up in defense as he slowly backs away, but the grin on his face never falters. Instead of winding his arm back to throw it with a lot of force, Chan decidedly lets his arm drop. One swift underhanded throw, and the snowball goes flying directly at Felix’s crotch, where it proceeds to break apart with no damage. Felix’s body first flinches, then abruptly stiffens at the feeling. His expression shows that he’s completely taken aback, and suddenly, his cheeks seem a little more flushed. 

“Didn’t expect that, did you?” Chan taunts. 

Trying to regain his composure, Felix laughs awkwardly as he heads over to be closer to their suitcases. “You know me too well, huh?” 

Being careful to give him enough space, Chan follows after him. He removes his gloves, still dry. When Felix sits on his suitcase, Chan reaches out to hand them over. Silently, Felix looks at them for a second before glancing up at Chan's face, then down at the gloves again. 

“You’re gonna get frostbite or something now that your hands are wet,” Chan says, urging Felix to take his gloves. 

Avoiding looking at Chan’s face again, Felix takes the gloves and pulls them on. “Thanks.”

“I’m heading down to K-town,” the trucker answers Felix. 

From the diner, they hitched a ride to a nearby truck stop. Immediately, Felix began working on chatting up every poor soul that passed by. 

“What’s K—” Chan gets interrupted by Felix. 

“Oh my God! That’s perfect!” Felix exclaims. “You don’t mind if we catch a ride with you all the way there, do you?” 

Chan’s brows lower. ‘K-town?’ Where the hell is K-town?

“Nah, I don’t mind.”

With that, the trucker leads them over to his big rig. There’s one passenger seat, and while it is large, it’s still a tight fit for Chan and Felix. With Chan properly sandwiched between Felix and the door, the driver cranks the engine and turns the radio on. Not the talking type, it seems; Chan is relieved. 

With country music playing, they drive in quiet for quite some time. Eventually, Felix pulls out his cell phone and begins to play Snake. Chan quietly watches over his shoulder—fatigue from driving already too much to bother pulling out his own phone. Felix is really, really, really, comically bad at Snake. Still, he seems to insist upon playing. Up, left, down, dead. Up, left, down, right, up, dead. Up, right, up, left, dead. 

“You’re really bad at Snake,” Chan says eventually, unable to hold himself back. 

Felix turns his head to look at him. “Don’t look over my shoulder, then.” 

“Play something else,” Chan urges. “Stop torturing the snake.”

With a huff, Felix closes the game and opens Tetris instead. Again, game over almost immediately. Chan can’t help but laugh, much to Felix’s chagrin. 

A bump in the road wakes Chan. He doesn’t remember dozing off. He’s been sleeping a lot lately, but how can he complain about that? Maybe his insomnia is finally wearing off like the doctor said it would. 

Felix is asleep too, his head resting on Chan’s shoulder. Trying not to move too much, Chan glances over at the driver to see if he notices. The man’s eyes stayed glued to the road ahead. Chan looks ahead, through the windshield. It’s not snowing anymore. Where the hell are they? Chan tries to visualize a map of the country in his head. They were in Ohio, and Akron is near the top of Ohio, not far from Cleveland. The last sign he remembers seeing a city name on was Cincinnati, which is at the bottom of Ohio. Chan’s heart begins to race. To get from Akron to Cincinnati, they had to head south... and it’s not snowing here. 

And that’s when Chan sees another road sign… Knoxville is in fifteen miles. 

Fuck. 

Pissed, Chan reaches over to shake Felix awake. 

“What?” Felix asks sleepily, lifting his head off Chan’s shoulder. 

“What is K-town?” Chan whisper-yells. 

“Kankakee,” Felix says, squinting at Chan. 

Kankakee is a suburb of Chicago with a population of approximately twenty-five thousand.

“Felix,” Chan groans quietly. “Why the hell would someone call Kankakee ‘K-town?’ People outside of Illinois don’t even know Kankakee!”

“What?” Felix questions, still discombobulated from a long nap. 

“Look around,” Chan whispers, gesturing outside. “No snow!”

Felix looks out through the front windshield. Chan watches as the wheels in his head finally begin to turn. 

“What… What is K-town, then?” Felix asks, turning to look at Chan with worry.

“Knoxville, Tennessee.” 

Felix turns his head to look forward again. “I don’t see any tens here…”

Chapter Text

“Look, I really didn’t know,” Felix explains. “I should’ve asked him to make sure, but I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

At their shared table at some fast food joint, Chan exhales, then takes a sip of his soda. He doesn’t know what to say to Felix. He’s angry, and nothing good will come out. 

“Really, I am,” Felix continues. 

Chan stays quiet. 

“It could be worse,” Felix tries. “We could’ve ended up in Florida or something; at least it’s just Tennessee.” 

“You understand that you added over three hundred miles to our trip, right?” Chan asks, no longer able to bite his tongue. “Not to mention the time we wasted driving all the way down here.” 

“Three hundred miles is… What? Like a few hours of driving?” 

“More than a few hours,” Chan corrects. 

“Well, it’s not that bad, either way,” Felix says. “We obviously won’t be getting there tonight, but we could still make it by tomorrow night, just… late… Hell, worse comes to worse, we make it there the next day, and that’s still just the twenty-third. We have plenty of time.” 

“Yeah, but I’d like to enjoy as much of my time off from work as possible,” Chan says. “Hitchhiking is not enjoyable or relaxing.” 

Felix looks down at his food, and his half-eaten burger stares back. “I know, but… now, the situation is what it is… Let’s just try to make the most of it.”

Chan takes another sip of his soda to buy himself time as he considers Felix’s words. 

“I’m sick of traveling around,” Chan admits finally. “Not just that, but… you. This whole situation is so damn bizarre, and I just really want to go home, take a nap, and put it all behind me—like nothing ever happened.”

Felix keeps his eyes on the table. He doesn’t say anything. 

“I mean, it’s nothing against you personally,” Chan backpedals. “You’ve been fine, we haven’t even really fought or anything, but… It’s like I can’t escape the past, you know what I mean?” 

Felix stays quiet. 

“It’s kind of late…” Chan says. “Let’s just get a room and rest for tonight. We can start over tomorrow.” 

Nodding, Felix finally looks back up at Chan. His expression is a little glum; he’s likely hurt on some level by Chan’s words. Chan doesn’t apologize further, though. It’s not right for them to pretend to be buddies. They aren’t buddies, and they never were. They used to date, but now they’re only strangers. 

It’s only evening, but as Chan and Felix walk through town in search of somewhere to stay for the night, the sun quickly sets. The streets become colder, but fortunately, snow never comes. As they head through a busy street packed with restaurants and bars, Felix’s eyes keep being caught by the various storefronts. 

“Jazz lounge,” Felix says suddenly, pointing at a bar they’re about to pass. 

“Okay…?” 

“Wanna go in?” Felix asks, turning his head to look at Chan. “We’re not doing anything tonight, anyway.” 

“I don’t know,” Chan says, cocking his head to the side. “It’s already getting dark. We should really just focus on finding a motel or something.” 

“And just sit in our room?” Felix asks. 

“‘Our room?’” Chan questions. 

“You know what I mean,” Felix says quickly. “You’re stressed about being in Tennessee, aren’t you? A drink or two will help you unwind like you wanted.”

Chan doesn’t answer right away, so Felix grabs him by the arm and gently tugs him to the door. Chan lets himself be dragged inside. 

Instantly, he notices how dark the lounge is. The lights are all dim and warm, almost bordering on romantic. Venturing further inside shows that the largest area of seating is around the bar, but aside from that, there are a few small, private tables in the darker outskirts of the room. There’s a small stage, currently empty besides a grand piano and microphone stand. There aren’t many patrons inside, probably due to the awkward hour on a Sunday evening. 

Decisively, Felix heads for a small table in a secluded corner. Chan can only follow behind him. They sit together, only two chairs at the rounded table. 

“What’s your drink?” Felix asks. “I’ll go order.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to d—”

“I want to,” Felix interrupts. “What drink?” 

“Uh, just a mojito is fine.”

With that, Felix is off for the bar. 

Chan would’ve never guessed in a million years that he’d be at a jazz lounge in Tennessee getting drinks with Felix after being broken up for five years, but here they are. Felix was certainly right about this trip being a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Chan wonders if Felix has been thinking about him and their relationship as much as he has. Sometimes, Felix seems uncomfortable, but other times, he flirts… 

Unless Chan is reading into it too much? Felix has always been a friendly person, and they shared so much together when they were together, so of course someone like Felix isn’t going to behave like they’re strangers. He said that himself at the D.C. airport—he doesn’t think of Chan as a stranger. 

Chan wishes he could share the sentiment about Felix, but when two people are no longer in each other’s lives, what else can you call them? They are strangers. Why doesn’t Felix want to acknowledge that? 

Sitting down across from Chan, Felix sets their drinks on the table. Chan uses the straw in his mojito to stir it—mostly just for something to do while he checks out Felix. 

Felix is wearing the same black coat he’s been wearing for the majority of their trip. Underneath that, he had a grey sweatshirt, but he took it off earlier in the day, leaving behind only the T-shirt underneath. It was pretty warm for December in the afternoon, but now with the sun disappearing, he was probably getting cold when they came inside. Is that why he wanted to come in? 

Felix’s hair is somehow still neatly arranged despite their long ride with the trucker, and his face… Strangely, he looks less tired now than he did when Chan first saw him at the airport in New York. Why was he tired then, before even leaving home? Chan assumes he’s probably the opposite, looking more and more tired with each passing day in the middle of nowhere, but then he realizes—he’s been getting more sleep since being on this trip. Maybe they both look better and less tired. 

Before Felix is a glass of red wine. Chan didn’t even know he liked wine, and as much as he hates to admit it, that makes him feel a little sad. 

Chan drinks slowly, but with no one having much of anything to say, they end up doing more sipping than anything else. They finish their drinks around the same time, and when Felix goes to get the second round, Chan asks him to order the same wine he got for himself. He wants to know what Felix likes, but he doesn’t tell Felix that. 

The second round of drinks turns into a third. As time passes, a few more patrons enter the lounge, many of them appearing to be couples. Soft music begins to be played from the stage as the lounge fills. With the alcohol in their systems, conversation gets easier and flows better. They started talking about old classmates, and that led to stories from college, and that gave Chan exactly what he wanted—Felix to directly acknowledge what they once were.  

“You know,” Felix starts, fiddling with his glass of wine, “of all my memories from college, the best ones were with you.” 

Chan takes a sip of his wine. That isn’t surprising. For him, it’s impossible to even think about college without Felix being involved somewhere. They did everything together. 

“It’s the same for me, Felix,” Chan finally says in a soft voice. He stares down at his own glass. It’s easier.

“I…” Felix starts before exhaling. He pauses. “You know, back then… I was doing a lot of things, just trying to fit in… trying to be who I was supposed to be. I tried really hard even when things didn’t feel right… but… you were the only thing that did feel right.”

Chan doesn’t say anything—can’t, really, with the lump building in his throat. 

“I didn’t explain anything, and… it’s been with me this whole time. I need to tell you why I didn’t stay.” 

“Fel—”

“I didn’t want to,” Felix says firmly. “I want you to know that. I… I just wanted them to be happy. For years, they wanted me to study harder, and I did. They wanted me to study law, and I did. When you came around, they told me to stop hanging out with you, find other friends, but I didn’t listen. I liked you, and I had never felt that way about anyone before… You were special.”

Avoiding Felix’s eyes, Chan caresses the stem of his wine glass with his thumb.

“I tried to keep it away from them, but then she caught us,” Felix continues. “She hated it… told me constantly that she was disappointed, that I was sick, confused, that I needed to stop while I still could, before it was too late… and I felt bad… but I ignored her. Going off to college as a law major, that gave them hope… that I would eventually turn out ‘right.’ Then, time kept passing, and I was still with you…”

“And?” Chan urges gently when Felix trails off. 

“And… they were getting nervous. It was senior year… Time was… running out, that’s what my mom said. So, that Thanksgiving, she and Dad sat me down… They said I had to end things with you, or… that was it. They were done with me… They waited years for me to come to my senses, and… if I didn’t ‘get my life together’ by Christmas break, then… I shouldn’t bother coming home.” 

Chan looks up at him then. Felix is also fiddling with his glass, eyes downcast. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Chan asks simply. 

“You would’ve been able to talk me out of it,” Felix answers. 

Silence. 

“I can’t— couldn’t just not have them in my life anymore,” Felix adds.

“But you could with me?” Chan asks. 

“I… I had to,” Felix says. “Where would I be if they disowned me? I would have a bachelor’s in law that I never even wanted. I don’t think I would’ve been able to go on to law school if they hadn’t pushed me to… So what would I be, in New York, with you?” 

“Happier, probably,” Chan says automatically. The bitterness in his heart slips into his voice. “You could’ve been a paralegal… We would’ve been fine.” 

“Fine?” Felix questions. “I wouldn’t have had anyone.”

“You would’ve had me. Your family… I know you love them, but they've always been unfair to you. I mean, your sisters aren’t treated the way you are.”

Felix stays quiet.

“I understand why you chose what you did, Felix,” Chan continues. “I always kind of figured that was the reason we broke up… but it still sucked for me.”

“It sucked for me too,” Felix says. “It still sucks. You think I suddenly like being a lawyer? Going on dates set up by my mother?” 

Chan shrugs. “I don’t know. There’s no telling with you. Your parents probably think you like it.” 

“Yeah, but I don’t lie to you,” Felix says quickly, “not about serious stuff.” 

“So…” Chan starts hesitantly. “You regret it?” 

Felix doesn't answer right away. He quickly downs the rest of his wine, and Chan watches as the dark liquid disappears from the glass. Felix’s glass touches the table with a faint sound, almost drowned out by the music. Their eyes meet for a moment, but Felix looks away. 

“Ending it with you is my biggest regret,” Felix finally admits. “Above everything else—studying law, going on dates with women, lying to everyone—that’s the thing I would do anything to go back and change, even now.” Slowly, he looks up at Chan’s face.

What does he mean by that? He wants to get back together? 

Chan sips at his wine. 

How can Felix want to get back together now? Even if he does regret it, he can’t seriously think everything could just go back to how it was five years ago. What about his family? There are only three days until Christmas; there’s no chance in Hell that Felix would tell his family about him. It would just be a secret again. In New York, they would be lovers, but in Chicago, they would be strangers. How long could that really be kept up? Especially with Felix’s mom insisting on blind dates for him? Felix would never tell her the truth; he’d just continue to go on these dates with women… who would flirt with him, trying to gain his interest. It would never work, but Chan couldn’t handle his boyfriend going on dates with other people. It’s ridiculous. 

If Felix can’t come out and be honest with his family, then Chan can’t be with him. He can’t risk another breakup with Felix. 

Chan places the glass back upon the table. “Felix… We can’t go back to that.”

Felix’s eyes immediately drop back to stare down at the table. He slowly nods in acceptance. 

An apology threatens to leave Chan’s lips, but he bites his tongue. He doesn’t want to make the situation worse. 

“Have you been with anyone else?” Felix asks suddenly, shyly looking back up at him. 

Chan shakes his head. “I don’t have the time, or money, for dating.”

“You’re an editor, aren’t you?”

“An assistant editor,” Chan corrects. “Editors are overworked and underpaid, and it’s very hard to move up to make more.” 

“And you don’t like it?” Felix asks. 

“It’s… fine,” Chan says. “It can be boring and exhausting, but it makes ends meet, at least.” 

“What would you rather be doing? If you could choose anything.” 

“Music, like producing and writing, I mean.”

At that, Felix smiles. 

“What?” Chan questions. “You’re laughing at me.”

Very much laughing at him, Felix shakes his head. “I can just imagine you making music. It actually really suits you… You were always really into music, so it makes sense.”

Chan dry swallows. Things would be much easier if Felix didn’t get him so well. 

“You haven’t dated anyone in New York?” Chan asks, wanting to get the focus off himself.

“No. The only dates I’ve gone on are the ones my mom insists on.” 

“And how do they go?” Chan asks, genuinely curious. “Just one date, and you make up some excuse to not see her again?” 

“Sometimes,” Felix says. “A couple of them I’ve gone on two or three dates with… That’s usually when they expect to kiss, and it gets a little weird.” 

“Have you ever done it?” 

“Once,” Felix says. “The other times, I pretended not to realize what they were doing… but there was one time… Yeah.” 

“What was it like?” 

“You’ve never…?”

Chan shakes his head.

“Just boring and awkward,” Felix explains. “There’s nothing wrong with it per se… It’s more about what it isn’t. There’s no spark, or interest, or hope that it’ll lead to more. I just wanted it to end, so I could go home.”

Chan laughs. The mental image of Felix checking his watch out of boredom while some woman tries to kiss him is admittedly a little funny, though the implication that kissing Chan was all of those things to Felix isn’t lost on him. With the reminder, Chan checks his watch. It’s getting late. He looks back up at Felix to see him checking his own watch. 

“Well, we should probably try to find somewhere to sleep tonight,” Felix says. “I’ll take care of the bill.”

“Hey, no,” Chan says quickly, reaching out to grab Felix’s arm to stop him from leaving the table. “We’re splitting it.”

“You just said you’re broke,” Felix says, unaware of how his words come across. 

“It’s fine,” Chan says. “I’ve already spent more on this trip than expected. What’s a little more?” 

Tilting his head, Felix gives him a look. “Just let me pay, Chan.” 

“That’s not right. I’m paying my half.”

“I want to pay,” Felix emphasizes. “Just let me. I kinda owe you anyway, right?” 

Chan falters, and Felix takes the opportunity to pull his arm away. Without an ounce of hesitation, he heads off for the bar. 

Outside the lounge, Felix hails them a taxi to the nearest motel. They sit in silence for much of the ride, though Chan can’t help stealing occasional glances at Felix. It’s dark, but the light of the streetlights pours in through the car’s windows, casting warm yellows over his pretty face. Soon, Felix keeps glancing over at him too, so Chan turns his head to look out the window instead. 

“I didn’t mean to make things awkward back there,” Felix says, voice soft and deep. 

“It’s fine,” Chan says, keeping his face turned away from Felix.

“I just… thought it was worth telling you… you know?” 

“I know.” 

Silence. 

Chan feels something touch his shoulder. He turns his head in time to see Felix pick something like a piece of lint off his coat. Even though his layers of clothes, the feeling of Felix’s touch lingers. 

“Sorry,” Felix says sheepishly. 

“No, it’s okay,” Chan says, looking at him. 

Felix’s scarf is coming undone. Acting on instinct, Chan reaches out to fix it. Felix’s scarf is soft—probably cashmere, definitely expensive. As he adjusts it, his fingers graze over Felix’s neck, warm and even softer than the scarf. Felix is looking right at him, but Chan does his best to pretend he’s too preoccupied with the scarf to notice. 

With his hand returned to his side, it’s suddenly harder to breathe, and Chan finds himself taking quicker breaths as he turns to look out the window again. He knows he has to stop now, but his fingers itch to touch Felix one more time. 

“You used to do that all the time, you know,” Felix says quietly. 

“Do what?” Chan tries to ask, but it comes out as more of a whisper. 

Luckily, Felix still hears it. 

“Find reasons to touch me,” Felix says so quietly it’s almost a whisper too. “Like you couldn’t help yourself.” 

Now, every emotion from the last five years comes flooding back into Chan. He wants to apologize for being curt. He wants to beg Felix to take him back despite what he said earlier. He wants to touch Felix, hold him, and never let him go again. He wants to love Felix again. It’s all so overwhelming and abrupt and painful, tears come to his eyes. In the deepest, darkest parts of himself, he positively aches for Felix. 

Staying silent, Chan focuses on willing the tears away. It’s the only thing keeping him sane, keeping his mouth shut, keeping his hands to himself.

Chan watches over Felix’s shoulder as Felix fumbles with the key to their room. 

Swaying a little, he laughs. “Guess I’m drunker than I thought.”

Chan stays quiet, and eventually, Felix manages to get the door open. With their suitcases, they drunkenly stumble into the room, and Chan closes and locks it behind them. There are two beds, at least; Chan takes solace in that. 

Leaving their suitcases in the center of the room, they remove their shoes and coats. Chan is just about to ask Felix if he wants to go change clothes first when Felix suddenly trips over nothing. Automatically, Chan reaches out to catch him—one arm wrapping around his waist, while the other grabs his wrist. The quick, thoughtless action pulls Felix closer so that they’re pressed chest to chest. Felix’s hand comes up to grab onto Chan’s shoulder for balance. While their faces so close, Chan becomes hyperaware of his hand on Felix’s lower back and how right it feels for it to be there.

“Good reflexes,” Felix whispers, brown eyes staring into Chan’s own. 

Many seconds too late, Chan reluctantly steps back to give Felix some space, but his hand stays on Felix’s waist, unable to let go just yet. 

Felix removes his hand from Chan’s shoulder, but then he begins to sway again. His hand comes to Chan’s chest for support. 

Chan’s eyes go down to Felix’s lips as the words “I miss this” come out of them. 

“What?” Chan questions. 

“You. Us,” Felix elaborates, looking into Chan’s eyes. His eyes are a little watery. “I miss us so much it hurts sometimes.” 

“Don’t say that…” Chan says. His voice cracks. 

“Why not?” Felix asks. His eyes roam over Chan’s face as if they want to focus on everything all at once. “It’s the truth.”

Then, Felix slides his hand up from Chan’s chest, running over his collarbone, until his hand lightly touches the side of his neck; and fragile as glass, Chan’s resolve shatters into a million pieces. 

Chan closes the distance, at last. Felix’s lips are so soft and perfect, and kissing him feels so deliciously right, somehow even better than Chan remembered. He tugs Felix flush to him again, and Felix lets out a cute, little surprised sound. This kiss is broken, but Chan quickly chases after his lips again. His heart is racing, and feeling Felix pressed against him for a kiss isn’t nearly enough. 

As if sensing Chan’s need for more, Felix parts his lips a little more and swipes his tongue across Chan’s lip. Chan happily welcomes the invitation to deepen the kiss with metaphorical open arms. Felix’s tongue brushes against his own, and it’s almost orgasmic with how long he’s been waiting for it. 

Then, Felix gently pushes Chan away. Confused, Chan attempts to ask what’s wrong, but Felix pushes him again, this time from the side, and Chan bumps into one of the beds. 

Oh.

Dumbfounded, Chan sits on the foot of the bed. Felix steps closer, then gently pushes against his chest. Chan allows himself to fall back against the bed, and Felix is quickly straddling him. Chan’s hands naturally gravitate toward Felix’s thighs even if they are currently covered in denim. Felix leans down and connects their lips again. Both his hands come up to Chan’s head, one cupping his face while the other plays with his curly hair. Automatically, Chan’s hips rut up into Felix. Probably feeling very pleased with himself, Felix grinds down on him in return. 

Felix’s tongue resumes its exploration of Chan’s mouth, and Chan’s hands slide up to Felix’s hips, guiding his grinding. Considering their clothes, it isn’t ideal, but Chan is afraid he’ll wake up if he suggests removing anything. If this is all just a dream, then he wants to see it all the way through. 

Felix softly moans into the kiss, knowing just how much control can evaporate out of Chan whenever he hears that. Chan is already hard and aching for him. He removes his hands from Felix’s hips, hoping for mercy, but Felix just keeps grinding and kissing him. Chan hasn’t been with anyone in five years, and the fact that it’s Felix making him feel this way is too much to handle. For the first time in a decade, Chan cumming in his pants becomes a real possibility. 

So, Chan breaks the kiss and swiftly grabs Felix to flip them over. 

Now lying in between Felix’s legs, Chan pauses. Felix’s pretty eyes are hooded, his freckled cheeks colored pink, and his swollen, red lips parted as he pants for breath. He looks up at Chan, eagerly awaiting his next move, but as Chan continues to stare down at him, the look in his eyes changes. He and Chan are now experiencing the same sort of mental sobriety, the one that allows for a critical realization to develop. 

Chan’s head pounds as he stares across the motel room at the other bed, completely untouched. Slowly, he turns over, and sure enough, there’s Felix lying beside him. They’re both still wearing yesterday’s clothes, so that’s something. Chan can’t remember how last night ended. Did they both just pass out immediately after kissing? It would be funny if it didn’t leave Chan feeling so lost and unsure. He carefully climbs out of bed to head off to the bathroom. He’s careful to lock the door this time. 

After his shower, Chan is relieved to see Felix already awake. 

“It’s almost eleven,” Felix says, voice rough. 

“Shit, really?” Chan curses. “Go shower. Quickly.”

“I’m hungover,” Felix complains, not moving a muscle from where he sits on their shared bed.

“So am I,” Chan says. “Now go, unless you want to be stuck in Tennessee forever.”

Felix stands up. “I don’t know.” He walks past Chan. “We had fun last night, didn’t we?” 

“Define fun,” Chan says. “We passed out.”

Felix doesn’t say anything. Chan hears him shut the bathroom door. 

“I don’t know,” Felix says. “That’s why I’m asking you.” 

They’re lying in Felix’s bed. They decided to skip school so they could spend the day together at Felix’s house without his parents catching them. Felix is lying on top of Chan, and his chin is digging into his chest. It would be irritating if he wasn’t so in love with him. 

“Felix, you’re eighteen,” Chan says. “You would know if you were in love with someone or not.” 

“Yeah, but… like, what if it’s not real? I tell you all the time I love you, but what if I just think it’s love, but it’s really not?” 

“Where did you get this from?” Chan asks. “Church?” 

Felix shakes his head. “My mom.” 

Chan rolls his eyes but waits for Felix to continue. 

“She thinks that homosexuality is a sickness, right? It’s the person’s responsibility to understand that and choose the right path. If you don’t choose the right path, then you’re a sinner, and you go to Hell, obviously.” 

Chan stares at him. Hearing Felix talk about religion is always baffling. Chan’s parents are somewhat religious, but it’s like Felix’s mom grew up in the damn Vatican or something. 

“So, according to my mom, homosexual feelings aren’t, like, true,” Felix continues. “They’re just false temptations.” 

“So… you think that you’re… delusional, then?” Chan asks. 

Felix cracks a smile. “Not delusional, exactly… And I didn’t say I believed it, either! I’m just thinking about it. Technically, it’s possible. It’s not like you would know if you were being tempted.”

“How are you supposed to repent if you don’t know you’re sinning?” Chan asks. 

“Well… everyone knows homosexuality is a sin,” Felix says matter-of-factly. 

“We’ve had sex loads of times, though,” Chan says. “Doesn’t that make you a sinner?” 

Felix pauses. “Yeah… It does.” 

Chan rubs Felix’s head. “But if it makes you happy, and it’s not hurting anyone, how can it be bad, Lix?” 

“Because it’s not what God wants,” Felix answers easily. 

“God wants you to be straight? Why?” Chan returns. 

“Because… it’s… abnormal to be gay. It’s a sickness.” 

“Do you feel sick?”

“No.” 

“Well… then you’re not sick.” 

“You don’t get it,” Felix says. 

Chan stays quiet. 

“I’ve never been in love with anyone else before,” Felix says. “So, I can’t compare my feelings for you to anything. So, for all I know, our love could be fake.”

“Fake love?” Chan questions. 

Felix hums in confirmation. 

“Well... I guess I like fake love, then” Chan says. 

Felix raises a brow at him. 

They’re somewhere in the middle of rural Tennessee when they catch a ride with an older man in a pickup truck. With their luggage in the bed of the truck, Chan and Felix sit up front. The man seemed completely normal at the gas station they were picked up from, but as the drive goes on, Chan notices that he keeps sneaking weird glances at Felix. Cell phone in hand, Felix is too busy trying to improve his nonexistent gaming skills to notice. Keeping an eye on the man, Chan regrets letting Felix sit in the middle. 

“So, ya’ll on some kinda road trip or what?” The man asks. 

“Yeah, something like that,” Felix answers, looking up from his phone, friendly as ever. 

“Just the two of you? That’s real nice. You don’t often see two fellas on a trip together… Special bond, huh?” 

Felix laughs nervously. “Yeah, we’re old friends.”

“Old friends?” The man asks. “You two must know each other real well, then.”

“Yeah, we do,” Chan cuts in. “Known each other for years, actually. Thanks for asking.” 

Felix turns his head to look at Chan, a silent scolding issued his way. 

“It’s crazy there’s no snow here this time of year,” Felix attempts to change the subject in order to keep the peace. 

The man chuckles. “Good talker, huh? Bet you got a way with that mouth of yours.” 

Felix hesitates, and Chan doesn’t have to see his expression to know that he’s uncomfortable. Chan can feel his own heart beating faster as his blood pressure rises. 

“No shame in using what you got, I say,” the man adds. He glances over at Felix, who remains quiet, before putting a hand on his thigh. 

“Hey, hands off,” Chan snaps, leaning forward so he can look the man square in the face. 

The man glances over at him and awkwardly removes his hand from Felix. 

Chan looks out through the windshield. They’re in the middle of some farmland, but there are a decent amount of cars passing through. “Actually, pull over. We’ll find a ride with someone else.” 

“Chan, it’s okay,” Felix tries to pacify. 

“No, it’s not okay,” Chan says quickly before speaking to the man again. “Pull over.” 

The man pulls over onto the side of the road. Chan and Felix climb out of the truck and grab their suitcases from the bed before the man quickly drives away. 

For a while, they walk in silence, but eventually, Felix has to say something to Chan. 

“It was really fine. I could’ve dealt with it until we reached an actual town, at least.” 

Chan turns to look at Felix. “That’s ridiculous. I don’t care if we have to walk all the way to Chicago; I’m not sitting there while some guy gropes you.”

“He wasn’t groping me,” Felix argues. 

“It probably would’ve become groping before too long,” Chan says. “I mean, he was basically already asking you to blow him.”

“And you’re jealous?” Felix asks. 

“What?” Chan stops walking to face Felix completely. “What does jealousy have to do with this? It’s about respect. He isn’t even the first guy to treat you like some sort of plaything on this trip.” He turns back around to keep walking. 

“If it's not about jealousy, then why did you look like you wanted to punch him?” Felix argues back. 

“I didn’t,” Chan insists. “When have I ever punched someone? You think I’d punch some random guy?”

“You sure looked like you wanted to.”

“No, I didn’t. You weren’t even looking at me.” 

“I was!” Felix exclaims. “I don’t get what’s gotten into you. You weren’t like this in college.” 

“Like what? I’ve always looked out for you.” 

“You weren’t so… overprotective,” Felix grumbles. 

“I’m not overprotective,” Chan argues. “I’m just looking out for you. What’s wrong with that?” 

“Well, you’re not my boyfriend anymore, for starters.”

Chan stops walking again. He turns around to face Felix. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t like seeing someone else tou—” He pauses, realizing what he’s said. 

“Say it,” Felix goads. “You don’t like seeing someone else what?”

Chan huffs. “I don’t like seeing someone else touch you, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Felix’s eyes widen as if he didn’t expect Chan to actually say it. They stare at each other for a moment until Felix speaks. “You are jealous.”

“Yeah, I am,” Chan says angrily before turning around to keep walking. 

By night, they find themselves at a motel in Louisville, Kentucky. Standing at the front counter, exhausted, Chan doesn’t even bother asking if they have two rooms available. The employee gives him a weird look, but he chooses to ignore it. 

Having gotten their key, they head for their room. 

“Hey, Chan, look,” Felix says, pulling on Chan’s sleeve and pointing at something a few doors down, at the end of the hallway. 

“A vending machine?” Chan asks. What’s so interesting about that? 

“Look closer.”

Chan steps closer. It’s not a normal vending machine with snacks or drinks… It’s a vending machine for condoms and lube. 

“Oh,” Chan says dumbly. 

Felix laughs and claps Chan on the back. “Looks like you don’t have to worry about making a baby tonight.” 

Chan gives Felix a look as punishment for his weird joke. “We’re sharing a room. You better hope I don’t make a baby tonight.”

Felix’s eyes widen, and now it’s Chan’s turn to laugh. 

Chapter Text

When Chan wakes up, Felix is gone. He usually never wakes up from Chan, but there’s a first for everything. Chan rolls out of bed and checks the bathroom, but it’s empty. Felix’s open suitcase is still lying on the floor, but other than that, there’s no sign of him or where he got off to. 

Alone in the small, dark motel room, Chan wanders aimlessly. He looks down at his suitcase on the floor, then at Felix’s again. Felix’s clothes are messy, like he was digging through his belongings in search of something. 

Then, Chan hears a key turning in the lock of the door. He quickly kneels down by his own suitcase and tries to look busy. From behind him, he can hear the door open. 

“Oh! You’re up,” Felix’s deep, surprised voice rings out. 

“Where were you?” Chan asks, gathering some clothes to change into after he showers. 

“Confronting my existential dread,” Felix jokes. “Turns out, it’s just right down the hall.” 

Chan turns around to look at him. His eyes go down to the wallet in Felix’s hand. “With your wallet?”

Felix looks down at his wallet in his hand as if just noticing it. “Yeah.” 

Clothes in hand, Chan stands up. “I’m going to shower.” 

“Okay.” Felix steps past him to get to his own suitcase. “Have fun.” 

Inside a gas station somewhere in western Kentucky, Chan and Felix search the aisles for the perfect ‘No one will pick us up, and we’re bored, so let’s just eat,’ snack. 

“Lookin’ for a snick snack,” Felix says in a singsong voice. 

At those familiar words, Chan immediately looks up at him, catching Felix looking back at him with a mischievous smile and twinkling eyes. This trip would be a hell of a lot easier if Felix didn’t take every possible opportunity to tease him about the past. 

“Don’t,” Chan says quietly, returning his attention to the snack cakes in front of him. 

“What?” Felix asks, feigning innocence. “Just looking for a snick snack… Guess there aren’t any here, though.” 

Unable to help himself, Chan takes the bait. “Well, there aren’t exactly any angels here either, but you don’t see me complaining.” Again, he looks over at Felix, now grinning in satisfaction at the use of the old nickname. 

“Think they have any tater tots?” Felix asks. 

“What are you doing?” Chan finally has to ask, laughing a bit at the absurdity of the situation. “What’s with the names?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Felix says, playing it off. “Don’t you like tater tots?”  

Chan looks back at the snack cakes and spots a Twinkie. He grabs it and holds it out to Felix. “Don’t you like Twinkies?”  

Felix stares at the cream-filled sponge cake in surprise and visibly flushes with embarrassment. Chan bursts into laughter. 

“Hey, I still have a worse one,” Felix points out. “Don’t make me say it.” 

Chan shrugs nonchalantly, knowing it’ll only rile Felix up further. “Go for it.” 

“I don’t think you want a public indecency charge,” Felix whispers before bringing a hand to Chan’s stomach, gently pushing him until he’s forced to take a step backward. Then, with his back to Chan, Felix passes by, their bodies lightly brushing in the process. 

Caught off-guard by both Felix’s words and actions, Chan’s eyes naturally follow him as he slowly walks on through the short aisle. His hips sway a little with each step—a nice, natural rhythm that’s admittedly pleasing to watch. 

Then, Felix’s words actually sink in. A public indecency charge? Over an old nickname?

Chan hurries to catch up to Felix. “What did you mean by that?” He asks quietly from over Felix's shoulder. 

“You don’t remember?” Felix snickers as he turns down the next aisle. “You’d remember if I said it.” 

“Then say it,” Chan urges, following closely behind. 

Felix stops walking and turns to glance back at him, seemingly gauging his seriousness. Chan stares back, eager to hear whatever nickname Felix is reluctant to let him hear. 

A look of mild reluctance crosses Felix’s face, but he leans in closer. Chest to chest, and lips mere centimeters from Chan’s ear, Felix whispers, “Daddy.”  

The sound of Felix’s deep voice whispering that word while standing so close instantly conjures up memories of the past—memories of Felix on top of him, under him, beside him. The feel of his soft hair and the warmth of his skin. The scent of his cologne mixing with his natural smell. The quiet, breathy sounds he made when Chan kissed his neck in just the right place. The way his cheeks would flush, and his lips part so artfully. The taste of his lips, something completely unidentifiable but always so right and good. Chan’s heart begins to race, and suddenly the gas station feels a little warmer. 

When Felix pulls back, he laughs at Chan’s expression. “You remember now?”

Silently, Chan nods.

With a cruel smirk, Felix looks him up and down once before turning to continue browsing the selection of chips. Dumbfounded, Chan can only follow him like a lost puppy. He watches as Felix picks up a small bag of chips—the spicy ones that used to be Chan’s favorite. 

“You still like these?” Felix asks, turning to look over at Chan. 

“Yeah,” Chan answers. 

Unintentionally, his tone and delivery draw Felix’s attention to his still-flustered state. Felix slowly cracks a smile, and his eyes go up and down Chan once again. “You okay?”

Chan rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine.” 

Felix laughs at him anyway. Typical.  

Despite their struggles to catch rides, they only manage to make it to St. Louis, Missouri, by nightfall. The motel they find themselves at only has one-bed rooms available, and it no longer even surprises Chan. He and Felix split the cost of the room and head upstairs with their luggage.

“Shower first or second?” Chan asks, closing the door behind him. 

“You first,” Felix says, sitting on the bed. “I’m exhausted.” 

“Then, you should go first,” Chan says. He steps closer to Felix out of pure instinct but stops himself before he’s fully standing over him. 

Felix looks up at him with big, puppy dog eyes. “You go first, Chan.”

“You’re just going to lie down and fall asleep,” Chan argues. 

“No, I won’t.”

“Want to bet on it?”

A pause. “No…”

“Exactly,” Chan says. He reaches out to touch Felix’s shoulder, pushing him to stand up. “Go shower.” 

Felix seems to consider it for a couple of seconds. “Fine.” 

He stands up, and Chan backs off to give him space to rummage through his suitcase. For privacy, Chan steps away to go ahead and gather up some clothes for himself. 

“Chan?” Felix’s voice rings out. 

“Yeah?”

“Well… I wasn’t really planning on being on the road this whole time…”

Puzzled, Chan waits for Felix to finish on his own. 

“I don’t have any more clean clothes to sleep in.”

“Just re-wear something,” Chan says. “I’ve worn the same thing every night, Felix.”

“Can I just borrow something from you?” 

Chan freezes. “What do you need…?”

“Just a shirt or something.” 

“Felix…” Chan fights the urge to look over at him. “I sleep naked. What I’ve been wearing to bed is all I have.” 

Felix doesn’t say anything. 

“Okay?” Chan asks. 

“I just think tha—”

Chan sighs. Why does Felix want to wear his clothes so much? “Look, you can either wear your own clothes again; be shirtless; or wear mine, and I’ll be shirtless… It’s weird, Felix.” 

Felix stays quiet again. He probably feels scolded. 

“It’s your choice,” Chan adds. If Felix wants to make this weird and even harder than it already is, then so be it—but that’s on him, not Chan. 

“You’re fine with whatever?” Felix asks. 

Chan grabs the sweatshirt in question. Just as he’s about to toss it at him, Felix holds his hand out and proposes something.

“Rock-paper-scissors for it?” 

“Okay,” Chan relents. He should want to be the winner, but he hopes Felix will win. Chan really couldn’t handle sharing a bed with him half-naked. 

Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot. 

Chan plays rock, and Felix plays paper. Thank God. 

Chan tosses the sweatshirt at Felix. “Go on.” He gestures to the bathroom. 

There’s a small smile on Felix’s face, but he heads off without another word. Chan waits until the bathroom door closes before he lets himself wonder what the hell is happening between them. 

The situation couldn’t possibly be weirder. It’s bad enough that they kissed, but since then, Felix has just gotten… Bolder? Braver? More blatant than ever before? Chan can’t even pretend like he hasn’t noticed. The most important question is why. 

Why is Felix flirting? What does he want to get from it? Entertainment? Sex? Attention from someone who isn’t a Catholic woman? Is it even about Chan specifically? Felix doesn’t seem to be bothered by the random men who decide to try their luck with him. If Chan weren’t there, would it just be someone else? 

But then, there was the night at the jazz lounge. Felix all but said he wanted to get back together, but maybe that was just the alcohol talking. In that state, when talking about the past, it’s easy to accidentally lose control and say things you don’t truly mean. Maybe Felix really does regret ending things, but saying he wishes he could go back and change things…? That’s easy to say, but much harder to do. 

They’re not kids anymore. They’re too grown to be in a back and forth. If Felix really wanted to get back together, he would say that directly. He would come out to his family. He wouldn’t go on dates with other people. 

The bathroom door opens. “Your turn.”

Chan looks up at Felix—wet hair, sleepy eyes, too-short shorts, and his sweatshirt. Fuck.  

They’re in bed, lying side by side underneath the covers. Felix absentmindedly flips through the channels to ‘see what’s on.’ Just a few minutes ago, he stretched his legs out, and one of them came to rest atop Chan’s own. Chan didn’t say anything, so Felix just left it there. 

With the meat of Felix’s calf pressing into the bone of his shin, Chan is now even more aware of the lack of clothing on his upper half. It’s strange to be in bed with Felix like this, never mind the touching… never mind the chill. Chan pulls the covers up a little higher over himself. 

“How far are we from Chicago, again?” Felix asks, oblivious. 

“Something around three-hundred miles,” Chan answers. 

“So, we should make it there tomorrow, right?”

“I don’t know… Normally, I’d say yes, but today was bad,” Chan says. “With tomorrow being Christmas Eve, I don’t know how many people will even be out, let alone traveling any long distance.”

Felix laughs. “What are we gonna do if we don’t make it?” 

“I guess we’ll have Christmas in Missouri, or somewhere in southern Illinois,” Chan answers before adding, “together.” 

“And hitchhike all the way back to New York?” Felix jokes, laughing. 

“Oh, God no,” Chan says, laughing with him. “Can you imagine? We’d either die, I’d run out of money, or we’d end up…” Fucking, but Chan doesn’t say it. “I don’t even know…” 

“Fired?” Felix guesses. “It would take us, like, three weeks to get back.”

Chan laughs. “At that point, we may as well just elope.”

“Exactly!” Felix laughs loudly. 

“We’d be like one of those couples in those shitty romcoms,” Chan says, wanting so very much to keep making Felix laugh like that. Putting on a movie trailer-esque voice, he continues. “‘He was a boy… And, he was also a boy… One ruined trip home for the holidays turned their lives upside down… Now eloped and on the run, will their romance last? Will sparks continue to fly? Out this Christmas in a theater near you… Planes, Motels and Snowballs.”

Felix laughs hysterically, and Chan takes great pride in being the cause of it. 

“Planes, Motels and Snowballs?” Felix asks once he’s able to breathe again. “What is it, a porn parody of Planes, Trains and Automobiles?”  

Chan laughs. “I always thought that movie would be better if they fell in love at the end.” 

“Trains…” Felix says quietly to himself. “Hey, what if we caught a train tomorrow? There has to be one going to Chicago—it’s the closest major city.”

Chan thinks for a moment. “Yeah, we could try…”

It’s extremely likely that at least one train will be going to Chicago tomorrow. As long as there are still tickets available, they should be able to get home with no problem… 

It’s crazy, but Chan is strangely a little saddened by the prospect of parting ways. Saying goodbye to Felix is going to be difficult, just like he knew it would be. Chan is going to miss Felix, and he can’t even deny it to himself. Will Felix miss him too?

“Unless you’d rather just skip to the elopement,” Felix jokes, smiling. 

Chan tries to smile back. “I think it’s best we get back to life.”

“And, still, she would just not stop talking,” Felix goes on, laughing with Chan. “It was the longest first date of my life, seriously. It was like a lecture!” 

“Even when you tried to change the topic?” Chan laughs harder. “Wow, your mom sure knows how to pick them.” 

“Yeah, and it’s even crazier since she hated you, like at least you’re just a normal guy.” 

Chan stops laughing. “Yeah, a normal guy.”  

Felix shakes his head. “You know what I mean… but I do think she would’ve liked you if she had just given you a chance.” 

“I don’t know,” Chan says thoughtfully. He rests his head on the headrest of the train car seat. “She’s kind of… I mean, I was never super religious… Are the women she sets you up with pretty?” 

Felix’s eyes briefly roam around as he thinks. “Usually.” He leans his head back on his seat’s headrest as well, bringing his eyes back to Chan. 

“So, yeah, I’m not religious, or pretty, or—” 

“You are pretty,” Felix interrupts. 

Chan quirks a brow at him. 

Felix laughs. “You know what I mean! Maybe pretty isn’t the right word, but you’re handsome, good-looking, attractive, hot, sexy, I don’t know. If you were a girl, you would definitely be pretty.” 

Chan giggles shyly. “I’m sexy?” 

Felix blushes a little. “Sometimes. I mean, it’s not just me. You’re objectively attractive in all of the above ways.” 

“Right…” Chan laughs again. “I’m objectively ‘sexy,’ of course.”

Felix laughs. “Stop…” He says playfully, bringing a hand up to lightly push at Chan. His eyes are crinkled up in happiness, and his cheeks are still lightly tinted pink in his own shyness. He’s no longer wearing his coat, only a knitted white sweater. The noon sunlight from the window behind him comes through, and it’s as if God decided to create an outline of light just for him. He looks immaculate.  

“I don’t know if your mom’s ideal spouse for her only son would be ‘sexy,’” Chan says, decidedly still teasing Felix. 

“Well, she wants grandkids,” Felix jokes. “So sexiness would probably help.”

Chan laughs. “Do you think she takes that into account when choosing people for you?” 

Felix laughs too. “Maybe at first, but now she’s getting more desperate, I think.” 

“If you were to get married, she would be one of those ‘When are you planning on having kids?’ types every time she saw you.”

Felix’s mood drops instantly. “Yeah…” He says in a sigh. 

“Do you think… you could do it?” Chan asks. He doesn’t know why. 

Felix shakes his head slightly. “I don’t know… I don’t want to do it… Get married, any of it.”

“Really?” Chan asks, brows shooting up in surprise. For some reason, his heart rate starts to quicken. 

Felix gives one firm nod. 

“Then, why the dates…?” Chan asks. 

“Well, I thought I could do it, but… I changed my mind a couple of days ago.” 

“Because…” Chan dry swallows. “Because of… the trip?”

“Yeah,” Felix says simply. “I’m not going to do it anymore.” 

Chan blinks. “And when she asks why?” 

“I’ll… I’ll tell her I’m not interested.”

“In dating…? Or…?” 

“I don’t know yet,” Felix says, voice quieter now. “I’m not sure what will happen.” 

It’s quiet as Chan looks at Felix. His eyes are serious, staring off into the distance of the interior of the mostly empty train car, and his brows are pulled together a little more than they should be. His precious bottom lip is caught between his teeth as he absentmindedly chews on it. So many thoughts come to mind, so many things Chan wants to say—to admit—but he doesn’t know where to start, and especially not where to finish. 

“Chan, can I ask you something?”

Chan nods. “Of course.” 

“If things had been different… do you think we could have made it work?”

Chan doesn’t need to think. He nods. “Yeah. I do.”

Quietly, Felix nods. He doesn’t look back at Chan, but even from the side, he looks wistful.

Chan’s chest aches. His eyes go down, landing on Felix’s hands sitting idly in his own lap, fingers loosely interlocked. Chan feels his own fingers twitch; they feel restless, and he knows what he has to do to make the feeling stop. Carefully, Chan places his right hand over Felix’s left. Slow and gentle, he intertwines their fingers. It feels so right, so good when Felix squeezes his hand. Without so much as a glance toward him, Felix shifts slightly in his seat to rest his head on Chan’s shoulder. Felix’s free hand softly grips Chan’s right arm, holding onto him. It’s simple, but it means so much to Chan.

An hour later, when the arrival announcement rings through the train car, Felix removes his head from Chan’s shoulder. Sheepishly, he glances up at Chan. 

Chan didn’t have it in him to disturb Felix once he realized he had fallen asleep. Instead, he sat as still as possible for the last hour of the ride. It was a bit uncomfortable, but ultimately worth it. He wanted to savor the moment—and contact—with Felix. It may be the last time they ever meet. 

With the small commotion of the few other passengers gathering their belongings behind them, Felix slowly pulls his hand out of Chan’s. 

“Are you going to get a taxi?” Felix asks, his voice deep and sleepy. 

“Not much of a choice,” Chan answers. 

“Do you want to share?” 

Chan blinks. “They might see—”

“Do you want to get lunch somewhere before heading home?” Felix asks quickly. 

Chan catches himself nodding automatically. 

A cheap burger for lunch turns into a quick cup of coffee, which turns into some window shopping, which turns into walking through the holiday market. As the hours wear on, it gets darker, and the holiday market begins to close down for the season. Chan and Felix walk together in silence through the plaza, now significantly less busy but still awash in the warm glow of Christmastime lights. 

“What now?” Chan breathes out into the cold night air. 

Felix takes a deep breath. He’s feeling reluctant, and Chan could spot it from a million miles away. “I think we know.” He laughs without humor. “We’ve got nothing left to say or do. It’s… time to go home.” 

Looking down at the concrete, Chan nods slowly. The ache in his chest is back. “Yeah… I’m glad we got to do this, Felix.” He looks back up at the man in question. “I would’ve never imagined it, but… I’m glad. It’s… been a good time. I’ve had fun.”

“Me too,” Felix says in agreement. He shoves his hands deep into his coat pockets. 

“I think that this was good for us,” Chan says, choosing his words very carefully—wanting to be honest but not cross the invisible line. “Closure, you know? It was so nice to see you again and catch up… and everything.”

Felix nods. His eyes seem pleading and almost desperate, but Chan isn’t sure if he’s only imagining it. 

Chan looks down again. Silently, they walk together to the exit of the market to catch their separate taxis. 

“Chan?”

Chan looks back at Felix. 

“I’m kinda tired, and it’s already dark out…” Felix says. “I don’t know about yours, but my family is probably going to have dinner soon, so I don’t really want to interrupt them… It might be better to wait until the morning.” 

“Christmas morning?” Chan asks. 

Felix nods. “Isn’t having your son come home Christmas morning the best gift there is? How can I deny them that?” 

“So… we should get a motel room?” Chan asks, his heart pounding in his chest. Felix cannot possibly be suggesting one last night together as if they’re lovers in some sort of ephemeral romance movie. Is that what they are? Two people who care for each other but are unable to ever make it work out due to circumstances beyond their control? 

“I just think that… It would be considerate, you know?” Felix explains. “Let them have dinner and a nice, relaxing Christmas Eve. Save the excitement for Christmas morning. Our families don’t know we’re here yet. It could be a nice surprise.”

“A nice surprise…” Chan repeats. He’s mind-blown and, frankly, terrified he may be misinterpreting Felix. 

Felix shrugs casually. “If you’d rather go home now, then that’s fine… Just a suggestion.” 

“A suggestion for one more night?” Chan questions.

Looking deep into Chan’s eyes, Felix nods. “One more night. We both deserve that, don’t we?” 

“And,” Chan lowers his voice despite no one else being around, and it feeling like time has all but stopped completely, “if there’s only one room with one bed?” 

“We’ll share like we’ve been doing. It’ll probably be… cold tonight, anyway, so…” Felix trails off.

Chan stares at him. He can hardly believe this is real. “Okay.” 

Felix hails a taxi, and they don’t speak a word to each other for the entirety of the short drive to the nearest motel. 

Chan walks up to the front counter, Felix likely standing somewhere behind him, avoiding eye contact with the clerk. 

The clerk, a middle-aged man with thick-rimmed glasses, glances up from his Playboy magazine—complete with a blonde woman clad in a skimpy bikini. His eyes flick from Chan to what is most likely Felix. “Room for two?”

“Yes, please,” Chan answers, trying to be as polite as possible. 

“Two beds, right?” The clerk asks, looking back and forth between the two men again.

“No, just one,” Chan says.

The clerk’s eyes narrow slightly. Slowly, he removes a key from the key rack on the wall and places it onto the counter for Chan to take. “Just be sure to keep it down,” he says, voice stern. “It’s Christmas Eve, and people are trying to sleep.”

Chan feels a little hotter, but he keeps his mouth shut. With a short nod to the man, he grabs the key and turns around to head to the room. Felix looks at him with an uneasy expression, but Chan simply gestures ahead. As they walk away, Chan can feel the clerk’s eyes on his back. 

Getting to their room feels like it takes forever, but as soon as Chan gets the key in the lock, he feels the weight lift off his shoulders. He and Felix are going to be alone—and real, and raw with each other, finally. 

He gets the door open and steps aside to let Felix enter first. Felix’s immediate reaction is shyness, but he steps inside the privacy of the room, and Chan follows closely behind. They leave their suitcases standing in favor of removing their shoes and outerwear. They don’t speak, and when a sneaky glance is met with eyes, they both look away. 

Felix makes the first move, reaching out to gently take Chan’s hand in his own. His other hand comes to Chan’s wrist, fingertips slowly running up higher and higher until they reach his bicep. Chan shivers under the touch of Felix’s still cold fingers. 

“Don’t have time for dating, but you manage to have muscles like these?” Felix asks, teasing.

Chan can’t fight the smile tugging at his lips. “It’s nothing really.”

“It’s definitely not nothing,” Felix says, feeling Chan’s bicep. “It’s sexy.”

Rolling his eyes, Chan laughs a little. “Not this again.”

Felix smiles at him before stepping closer. His hand moves from Chan’s arm to rest atop his chest. With lidded eyes, Felix looks at him. His lips are parted ever so slightly, and Chan knows what he wants him to do. Moving slowly for fear that this moment may come to an end if he makes any quick movements, Chan closes the distance. 

Immediately, it feels even better than the last time. Chan wants to take it slow, take his time with Felix tonight, but he just can’t resist. Chan brings his free hand to Felix’s hip to pull him even closer. Felix releases his other hand in favor of wrapping his arms around Chan’s neck. Pressed against each other, the kiss naturally deepens. It’s uncalculated, all neediness and hunger, all desperation for reconnection. Their tongues brushing, Chan feels arousal pooling in his stomach. Finally allowing himself to hold Felix properly, Chan wraps his arms around his waist. It’s so satisfying, so comfortable and warm. 

Felix’s hands run down Chan’s chest, gripping at the fabric of his hoodie. His hands slip underneath the hem, and find Chan’s shirt underneath that, and slip under there too. His hands move higher to rub up and down Chan’s sides. It’s almost ticklish, but Chan doesn’t care. On its own, one of his hands dips down to grab Felix’s ass through his jeans. A surprised noise comes out of Felix, but Chan swallows it down and keeps groping. 

Felix grabs the hems of Chan’s hoodie and shirt. He breaks the kiss and hurriedly pulls them up. Chan grabs the fabric from him and quickly pulls it all off, letting it land on the floor in a small heap. Felix leans back in to reconnect their lips as soon as possible. With his clothing no longer in the way, Felix’s hands come up to Chan’s chest, rubbing and gently playing with his nipples. Chan’s nipples have always been so sensitive, and Felix still remembers… 

Chan has to break the kiss again. He grabs Felix’s white sweater and pulls it up and over his head. 

“Wanna suck you off,” Felix says breathlessly as Chan tosses the sweater aside. His hand comes to lightly rub over Chan’s bulge. 

“Bed?” Chan asks. 

Felix turns to look behind him as if having forgotten there even was a bed. His lips are red and swollen. Impatient, Chan grabs his hand and carefully tugs him toward it. Felix pulls his hand out of Chan’s grip and kneels on the floor in front of the bed. 

Chan sits down in front of him. “Do you need a pillow or—”

“No,” Felix answers quickly, hands already busy undoing Chan’s fly. He makes quick work of it, soon pulling Chan’s hard cock out of its confines. Felix stares at it for a moment. “I… forgot how big it is.”

Chan laughs. “It’s not that big, Felix. Be real.”

“It is,” Felix says. “You know average is like five inches, right?” 

Chan looks down at his cock in Felix’s hand. It’s definitely more than five inches, but he’s never thought of it as big. Whenever Felix told him it was, he always just dismissed it as normal sex talk. 

“So that’s your excuse for never being able to take the whole thing?” Chan teases. 

“Ha-ha,” Felix says sarcastically. Looking up at Chan, he begins stroking it. “You can’t make fun of me when I have way more to work with than you do.” 

“Take your pants off, then,” Chan says. “You can go first. That’ll be my apology.” 

Felix shakes his head before kissing the tip. “I bought a dildo a few weeks ago. Been practicing.” Another kiss. “You’re gonna cum immediately.”

Chan wants to laugh again, but Felix licks the head of his cock, and suddenly, it’s hard to do anything but sit back and enjoy it. Felix is slow and methodical, moving from the head to lick long stripes up Chan’s cock. When he finally lets it enter his mouth, he’s still slow and teasing. It takes exactly one suck for Chan to bring his hand to Felix’s head, carding his fingers through his soft, black hair. Felix lets out a cute little hum at that, and Chan’s thigh muscles twitch as he fights the urge to attempt to thrust up into his mouth.

Every several bobs of his head, Felix pauses for a few seconds to focus on just the tip—sucking, swirling his tongue around it, digging his tongue into the slit, swiping his tongue right across the sensitive frenulum. When he goes down on Chan’s cock, he really goes down, taking it way deeper than he did five years ago. He gags every now and then, coating Chan’s cock in so much saliva that he can feel it dripping down his balls. 

“Fuck, Lix,” Chan moans out. “So good.”

Felix pulls off, leaving Chan’s wet cock standing erect and shining with his saliva. His lips also shiny with spit, Felix speaks, “You can be rough with me, Daddy.”

Chan pulls Felix’s face back to his cock, and Felix takes it back inside the wet warmth of his pretty mouth without hesitation. Chan wants to give him the rough treatment he likes, but he’ll probably only make it sixty seconds before cumming down his throat. This is far too good to let pass so soon. 

So, Chan tightens his grip on Felix’s hair, pulling it taut in the process in hopes of satisfying him. Felix moans around his cock in response. 

“Getting tired already?” Chan taunts, knowing how much Felix enjoys being talked to like this. “You want Daddy to do all the work? What happened to making me cum immediately, huh?” 

Felix moans around his cock again. With both his hands on Chan’s thighs, he hollows his cheeks, sucking his cock like he needs it to live. Chan practically has no choice but to cum.

“That’s it, baby,” Chan coos. “I missed your pretty little mouth so much. Swallow all of Daddy’s cum, and he’ll make you cum all night long.”

It’s really not a feat; Felix has always been the type to cum quickly and be ready to go again right away, but Chan is rewarded with a needy whine. He takes over, pushing Felix’s head to control the pace himself, and Felix keeps up with the strong suction.  

“So fucking good for me,” Chan praises. “Taking my cock and looking so pretty while doing it.” 

Felix looks positively beautiful like this—eyes watery, cheeks flushed with arousal, and lips stretched wide around Chan’s thick cock. At Chan’s words, his eyelashes briefly flutter before his eyes return to Chan’s again. Felix is looking up at him with so much emotion—adoration, desire, desperation. 

Chan lets one last moan escape before gritting his teeth and fighting the urge to throw his head back in pleasure. “‘m cumming, Lix.”

Chan keeps moving Felix’s head back and forth, and Felix keeps sucking. A massive wave of overwhelming pleasure rushes through Chan’s body, ending with cum shooting out of his pulsating cock. Smaller waves follow as Chan continues to unload in Felix’s mouth, and all the while, Felix keeps sucking, swallowing down every last drop. 

At last, Felix pulls off his softening cock with a ‘pop.’ “Thank you, Daddy.”

With his erection now temporarily sated, Chan is overwhelmed with a different feeling. He cups Felix’s face and leans forward to capture his lips in a kiss. He can taste himself on Felix’s tongue, but he ignores it because it’s still his Felix. He has to do this—Chan has to do everything he can to show Felix how he feels about him because it can’t be said aloud. Felix accepts the kiss and lets Chan deepen it without hesitation. Chan hopes Felix understands because, for him, the emotion is palpable. 

Chan only breaks the kiss to get Felix to join him on the bed. He quickly undoes Felix’s jeans and slips his hand inside to palm Felix’s bulge over his underwear. Felix’s cock isn’t big by any means, but that’s never stopped Chan from adoring it. Chan kisses Felix’s neck, wet and open-mouthed, but still careful. It’s a shame he can’t leave any marks behind for Felix to see in the morning after they part ways. He reaches that one place, and Felix makes that breathy little sound that’s as good as gold. 

Felix pulls away, then. Wordlessly, he removes the rest of his clothes, and Chan takes the opportunity to do the same. Felix lays back on the bed, and Chan quickly covers his body with his own—hands roaming, desperate to be everywhere all at once. He finds his way to Felix’s nipple, eagerly taking it inside his mouth to suck and tongue at. 

“I have lube,” Felix says, his voice sounding higher than normal. 

Chan pulls off his nipple to look up at him. “You brought lube to visit your parents for Christmas?” 

“No,” Felix says, laughing a little. “Remember that vending machine at one of the motels? With the condoms and lube?” 

“Why would you—”

“Remember that morning when I left?” Felix asks. “That’s when.” 

“Why?”

“In case…” Felix says quietly. “This happened.” 

Chan blinks. “You… This whole time you wanted…?” 

“Hoped,” Felix corrects. 

Chan kisses him, but Felix lightly pushes him away to leap up from the bed. Chan watches in mild amusement as he throws his suitcase onto the floor and starts scavenging through it. While he's busy, Chan gets up to go get a couple of towels out of the bathroom. With their supplies, they both finally return to the bed after what feels like a billion years.

“Can I rim you?” Chan asks.

Felix gasps dramatically. “Are you serious?” 

Smiling, Chan nods. Rimming used to be Felix’s favorite, so it was often Chan’s go-to for circumstances like this. 

Felix gets on his hands and knees. Chan spreads out a towel underneath Felix, then gets behind him and adjusts his position—spreading his legs more and pushing his upper back down into the mattress below. 

Kneeling, Chan slowly rubs one of Felix’s thighs as he kisses his way up the other. Just one peck after another, gradually getting closer to his ass, makes goosebumps appear on Felix’s skin. Chan slides his hand up higher, purposefully avoiding Felix’s ass to rub his back instead. Once he arrives at Felix’s hole, Chan licks a fat stripe up it. He can hear Felix’s breath hitch. Chan draws small circles on Felix’s hole with his tongue, flattening out the delicate wrinkles. It takes a few seconds for the strange feeling to meld into pleasure, but once it does, Felix is sure to let him know. 

“Ah, Channie...!” Felix voices in an exhale. 

Still massaging his hole, Chan brings both hands to Felix’s ass. He spreads Felix’s cheeks to bury his face in as he makes out with Felix’s hole. He kneads his cheeks, squeezing and massaging the muscle and fat that’s been sorely neglected for five years. If they were together, Chan would go down on Felix any time he asked, and then some. He would gladly spend hours doing this if it meant getting to hear those breathy sighs and moans. 

“Oh my god...” Felix moans.

“Your poor little hole hasn’t gotten this in a long time, has it?” Chan asks before diving back in. 

“No…” Felix answers. “No one else would be able to do it like you, anyway.”

A smile tugs at Chan’s lips. “Yeah? Only I can make you feel this good?” 

Felix moans when Chan begins to suck on his hole. “Y-yeah… Only you, Channie.”

Chan squeezes his ass harder and sticks his tongue into Felix’s hole. A loud, surprised moan comes from Felix, and it spurs Chan on to keep fucking him with his tongue. Even being as relaxed as he is currently, Felix’s hole is so tight. 

“Chan… Fuck, please don’t stop!” 

Chan would never stop now. He thrusts his tongue in and out, occasionally wiggling it around while inside. Felix’s thighs begin to twitch and slightly tremble, and Chan knows that he must be getting close. Wanting to make him cum so very badly, Chan speeds up. He fucks Felix’s hole as fast as he can. His fingers dig into Felix’s ass, and he hopes they’ll leave bruises. 

Felix moans louder. “Yes, yes, yes… Ah! ‘m cumming, ‘m cumming!” 

Chan can feel Felix’s hole clench down on his tongue as his orgasm overtakes him, but Chan keeps working him through it, even as Felix’s moans get replaced by breathless pants. 

“Okay, okay…” Felix reaches back to swat air at Chan. 

Chan pulls away and gives his ass a nice, hard slap. “Give me the lube.” 

Felix’s hands fumble around the bed in search of the small bottle of lube. He finds it and hands it back to Chan. As Chan lubes up his fingers to prep Felix, he pridefully notes the redness on his ass from all his groping, squeezing and slapping. 

Chan drops the bottle back onto the bed. Carefully, he runs a fingertip over Felix’s hole, and it flutters in sensitivity. He rubs over the rim for a few seconds before sinking his finger inside. Despite the rimming and the lube, it’s not easy to slip inside. 

“Thought you’ve been practicing,” Chan says. “Haven’t fucked yourself in a while?” 

“Practicing blowjobs,” Felix clarifies, voice uneven. 

Chan’s brows shoot up in surprise. “You haven’t fucked yourself with it?” 

“I did twice when I first bought it,” Felix answers. 

“And?” Chan asks. He crooks his finger, searching for Felix’s prostate. 

“And, well… it’s kind of depressing, and…!” Felix gasps as Chan rubs against his prostate. 

“And…?” Chan teases. 

“And it’s… a little…” Felix tries to continue, though his voice is breathy again. “Um… I c-can’t remember.” 

Chan laughs and pulls his finger out. With his free hand, he rubs Felix's ass to keep him relaxed as he tries to push two fingers in. “Kind of depressing, and what?” 

“It’s a lot of work,” Felix answers. 

“Not worth it?” Chan asks, thrusting his fingers in and out. He tries to scissor them to help open Felix up faster. 

“It doesn’t feel as good… when you’re doing it yourself,” Felix says. 

Chan rubs his prostate again, and Felix moans quietly. 

“This is better?” Chan asks. 

“Yeah…” Felix breathes out. “This is very worth it.”

“Good. When Daddy gets his cock in, he’s gonna fuck you like you should’ve been getting fucked this whole time.” 

Felix clenches down on his fingers. Chan tries again to scissor them and finds more success this time around. 

“That’s right,” Chan coos to Felix, now rubbing his back again. “Open up for me, angel. My cock is so hard and ready to fill you up.” For emphasis, he scoots closer so he can rub his cock against the back of Felix’s thigh. 

“Wanna feel it inside me so bad,” Felix says, pushing his ass back on Chan’s fingers. “Been thinking about your cock since I walked in on you.” 

“Yeah?” Chan asks, pulling his fingers out to add a third. “Been imagining this?”

“Imagining you fucking me into the mattress until I cry,” Felix says. Chan’s three fingers slip in, and he gasps. 

Chan slowly works him open, moving his fingers around and occasionally brushing his prostate. “Nice and hard, right?” 

“Yes, Daddy,” Felix answers. “A little rough… just the way we like it.” 

Smirking to himself, Chan quickens the thrusts of his fingers. 

“Just put it in…” Felix begs. “Please, Daddy, I can take it.” 

Chan wiggles his fingers. It’ll definitely still be a stretch, but it’s not like Felix hasn’t managed with less prep before. Gently, he pulls his fingers out. “Lay on your back.” 

Without complaint, Felix does as told. He bunches up the towel under him and tosses it aside. Laying down, he bends his legs and spreads them wide open, giving Chan an unhindered view of his small cock, still hard. 

Chan grabs the lube and hurries to pour a generous amount directly onto his cock. Felix’s eyes remain fixed on his cock as he strokes himself a few times, spreading cold lube evenly. Chan uses the second towel to wipe the lube from his hand before coming closer. 

Looking down, Chan lines himself up at Felix’s hole. He rubs the head of his cock against it, then carefully presses in. A small moan comes out of Felix, so Chan pauses to look up at him. Felix gives him a nod to continue, so he does. Slowly, he sinks his cock further into Felix. 

Chan can’t stop the moan that leaves his own lips. He forgot how good sex, or maybe just sex with Felix, could feel. Felix feels warm and soft, and the fit of his cock inside him is snug in the most comfortable way imaginable.  

Felix holds onto his shoulders as Chan fully sheaths himself inside. Chan presses a kiss to the corner of his pouty lips before beginning to slowly rock his hips. Felix looks up at him with such big, adoring eyes, and it’s like they’re truly in love again. 

“You feel so good, Daddy,” Felix says dreamily. 

“Felix, you’re perfect,” Chan confesses as he builds up to real, proper thrusts. He doesn’t exactly choose the words; they just come pouring out of him without pause. “You feel so good, and you look so beautiful. You’re sweet and so fun to be around, and if I could spend every day with you, I would.” 

Felix’s eyes fill with a desperate, pleading sort of emotion. His fingers dig into Chan’s shoulders. “Chan… I wish we could stay like this.” 

“Don’t go back to them,” Chan blurts out. “Come with me, stay with me.” 

Felix shakes his head. “I can’t…” 

“Please,” Chan begs, thrusting faster. “Please stay with me, Felix.” 

Felix grabs his neck and pulls him into a kiss. It’s messy and uncoordinated, but it’s still good. It may be their very last kiss, so it has to be good. Chan needs it to be the best kiss he’ll ever experience. 

Chan has to break the kiss to catch his breath. He pulls away and grabs Felix’s thighs, pushing them farther up to get a better angle. He fucks into Felix, angling slightly different with each thrust. Felix whines when he hits his prostate, and Chan stays right there, repeatedly drilling into it over and over again. Felix’s moans become louder and more guttural as he clings onto Chan. Felix’s legs begin to tremble in his grip, and Chan fucks him harder. The sound of it mixes wonderfully with Felix’s moans. 

“Cum for Daddy,” Chan pants out to Felix. “Cum for me, angel, please.” 

Felix’s back arches, and he babbles something that Chan can’t quite make out. Then, he’s clenching down on Chan’s cock. Unrelenting in his thrusts, Chan looks down to see cum spilling from Felix’s cock. He looks back up at Felix’s face, brows knitted together and lips parted, as he cums. Chan leans in and connects their lips again. 

Felix breaks the kiss with an oversensitive whine. 

“It’s okay, baby,” Chan coos. “Daddy’s almost there.”

“Don’t pull out!” Felix begs, hugging Chan tightly. “Fill me up. Please don’t pull out.”

Chan works hard to keep going until the very last second. Even as his muscles ache and burn, he fucks Felix with everything he has in him. He wants them both to remember this moment. 

“Chan, please cum inside me! I need it.” 

Chan gets in one final thrust before burying his cock as deeply as possible. He stays there as he cums, unloading inside Felix as asked. It’s quiet as Chan tries to catch his breath. Slowly and reluctantly, he pulls out and lays down beside Felix. He probably shouldn’t, but he wraps an arm around Felix, holding him close. 

Felix turns over to face him. “I’m sorry, Chan,” he whispers. 

Chan nods. “I know… It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Felix says again, his voice breaking.

Chan holds him closer and brushes the hair out of his face. “It’s okay, Felix.” He presses a kiss to his forehead. 

Chan wakes up spooning Felix, who’s still sleeping. Together, they lie naked atop the covers. He lies there in the silence for a moment, appreciating. 

Then, he remembers that it’s Christmas morning.

He rolls over onto his back to look at the digital clock on the nightstand beside him. 

10:03.

Fuck, how did they sleep for so long? Chan can’t recall waking up even once during the night.

Chan turns back to face Felix again. Leaning up on his elbow behind Felix, he kisses his shoulder and rubs his arm to gently wake him up. 

“Hm?” Felix questions with his eyes still closed.

“It’s morning,” Chan says, voice soft. “Christmas morning.” 

Felix’s eyes open, and he lays there, processing the information for a second before quickly leaping out of bed. 

“What time is it?” Felix asks, gathering clothes from his suitcase.

Chan sits up. “After ten.”

“What?” Felix exclaims. “How? I still have to shower and everything!” 

Chan musters up the courage to climb out of bed. 

“Do you have everything?” Chan asks before they leave the motel room.

Felix turns to look around the room. “Yep.” 

“Separate taxis?” Chan asks. 

Looking down at the floor, Felix nods. 

“This is goodbye, then…” Chan says. 

Felix looks back up at him. His eyes are shiny with tears. They stare at each other, both unsure of what to say. 

Felix steps forward and wraps his arms around him in a hug. Chan hugs him back, rubbing his back to help soothe him. 

“It’s not fair,” Felix whispers into Chan’s ear.

Chan can’t help feeling like that should be his line. 

“I know,” he says instead. He pulls away just enough to look into Felix’s red, teary eyes. “My flight’s the day after tomorrow. If you change your mind before then, you know where to find me, alright?” 

Felix nods. “Alright.” 

Chan doesn’t want to let go of him, so he leans in to kiss him. It’s soft and gentle, sweet and pure. This is what their final kiss should be. This is the best end they could hope for. 

Three words rest on the tip of Chan’s tongue. All he has to do is open his mouth, and they would come tumbling out. He’s sure to keep his mouth shut as they exit the private safety of their motel room.

The taxi stops in front of his childhood home. Chan thanks the driver and pays before hopping out. Once Chan pulls his suitcase out of the trunk, the driver takes off. Standing on the curb, Chan can’t stop himself from staring at the house across the street. It’s similar to Chan’s parents’ house, but bigger and nicer. It looks different than he remembered; it’s likely been renovated again sometime in the past year or two. Chan wonders if Felix’s already inside. 

With a sigh, Chan turns to head to his own home. He knocks on the door and waits. Soon, he can hear muffled talking on the other side, and then the door opens.

“Chan, you made it!” His mom exclaims. She quickly ushers him inside before hugging him tightly. “What took you so long?”

“I decided to take a couple of buses,” Chan says, hoping that will end the questioning. 

“What’s wrong?” She places her hand on his forehead to check his temperature. “You seem down. You’re not getting sick from all that traveling, are you?”

Chan shakes his head. “No, I’m fine.”

Looking unconvinced, she nods. “Well, come on, your dad and brother are fighting over the remote again. Maybe you can mediate, so I can get back to the kitchen.” 

Chan follows her into the living room. 

“Where have you been?” Chan’s sister’s loud voice rings out. “You had Mom worried sick!” 

“Oh, leave him alone,” Chan’s mom fortunately steps in. “He’s here now, and that’s all that matters.”  

“Chan!” His brother exclaims from the couch. “Come tell Dad that no one cares about the freaking news!” 

“You’re too old for cartoons,” Chan’s dad mumbles to his brother. 

“It’s Christmas!” His brother argues. “Chan! Come here!”

“Hey, Mom,” Chan says quietly. “I’m going to take my bag upstairs, but I’ll be right back down, okay?”

She nods. “Okay, Chan…” 

Chan tosses and turns in his childhood bed. It’s a small and cramped twin, but he knows the problem is much deeper than just that. 

He can’t stop thinking about Felix, wondering what he’s doing right now. Is he sleeping? Staying up late to drink and celebrate the holiday with his family? Is he thinking about him too?

Chan sits up in bed. He can’t do this. If he thinks about Felix any longer, he’s going to start spiraling. 

He climbs out of bed and pulls on some sweatpants to head downstairs in search of some sort of sugary snack to distract him from his feelings. Goodbye, sexy muscles Felix likes.  

He’s careful on each old, creaky step. He loves his family, but not enough to deal with any of them at a moment like this. Once he rounds the end of the staircase, though, he can see his mom standing in the kitchen alone.

“Mom? What are you doing?”

She looks up to see him standing in the kitchen’s doorway. She’s leaning over the counter, stirring something in a mug. “Oh, Chan! I was having some trouble sleeping, so I came down here to get a cup of tea.” 

Chan comes closer to peer down into her cup curiously. “Oh.”

“What about you?” She asks. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Chan shakes his head.

“Do you want some tea? It’s herbal, but it’s not so bad if you put a few spoonfuls each of honey, sugar and milk into it.”

Chan laughs at his mom’s joke. “Sure.” 

As his mom prepares him a cup of tea, massive amounts of add-ins included, Chan’s thoughts go back to Felix. They’ve only been apart for about twelve hours, and he’s already feeling this way. What is going to go when he has to go back to Manhattan? His only hope is that Felix will metaphorically wake up in the next two days and come to see him, but that’s a million-to-one chance… Maybe even a billion-to-one. It’s over. 

Having sex was a mistake. As nice as it was, it only worsens and prolongs the heartbreak Chan feels. If they hadn’t had sex—if Felix hadn’t acknowledged that he does want to be with him—it would be easier. Chan could tell himself that he read too far into everything. Knowing that Felix wants it too is just painful. 

“What are you thinking about?” Chan’s mom asks as she places a mug in front of Chan. 

Chan takes hold of the spoon and stirs the tea. “Just… things.”

“Work?” 

Chan shakes his head.

“Love?” Her tone perks up.

Tentatively, Chan nods. 

“A breakup?”

“Something like that, I guess.” 

“You can tell me, Chan,” she says. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine, of course, but I’m here if you need someone to listen.” Her expression shows her genuineness. 

Chan goes to take a small sip of his tea, but he lowers the mug back to the counter. “It was Felix.” 

“Felix?” She asks, her brows raising. Her lips try to form a question, but her head is probably too full of too many of them to get one out. 

“We were on the same flights,” Chan explains. “So, we were both stranded at the airport in D.C. We started talking, just to catch up, but then… since they didn’t have any more flights scheduled for Chicago, we decided to catch a bus together. We pretty much hitchhiked our way here.” 

“You… hitchhiked?” She asks. 

Chan nods. “It was Felix’s idea, and he talked me into it.”

“Couldn’t Felix have called one of his dad’s people to get him?” She asks. “They have enough money for it.”

Chan hadn’t thought of that. “Well, he’s always… not had the best relationship with his parents, you know. 

Chan’s mom nods, having been the victim of numerous ‘Keep your disgrace of a child away from our son’ letters and phone calls from Felix’s mom over the years. 

“So… He probably just wanted to do something on his own… for once,” Chan finishes. 

“So what happened between you?” She asks. “You reconnected?”

Chan nods. “It’s a bit more complicated than that, but basically, yes. His parents, though... His mom talked him into going on these blind dates with women from church… He’s still… scared to be honest with them.” 

Chan’s mom nods in understanding of the situation. 

“Last night,” Chan starts, “I asked him to… come with me, come here, I mean… Instead of going to his parents, but… he couldn’t do it.”

“But he wanted to?”

Chan nods solemnly. He stares down at the tea before him. 

“Chan, I don’t know how to say this, but… I have something you need to see.”

Chan looks up at her, puzzled. 

“Wait just a minute,” she says before quickly disappearing upstairs. 

Chan sips at his tea as he waits for her return. He has no idea what she could possibly have related to Felix, but it probably isn’t anything good.

When she returns, she hands him a bright red, previously opened envelope. The front has ‘Mrs. Bang’ handwritten in cursive across it in black ink. 

Chan looks up at her in a silent question. 

“I found it again while putting up the Christmas decorations,” she explains. “I saved it because I always wanted you to read it, but it never felt like a good time… I think now might be right. Do what you need to do.”

At that, she picks up her cup of tea. She gives Chan a goodnight kiss on the temple because she can’t reach his forehead and heads back upstairs. 

Confused, Chan looks back down at the envelope. Carefully, he pulls the paper out. 

It’s handwritten and long… The first thing he does is look at the bottom of the second page. It’s signed from Felix’s mom and dated just before Christmas of 1998, right around the time he and Felix broke up. 

Swallowing nervously, Chan reads from the beginning. 

“Mrs. Bang, I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas, and Chan is doing well in college. I know I haven’t been the kindest to you and your family these years, but I beg you to read this letter in full and take my words to heart. It will be Christmas soon, and then a new year, and I would like to make amends. 

As you may have guessed, the topic of this letter is our sons. My husband and I knew before any of our children were born that we wanted to send them to Catholic school so that they could learn and grow in a good and godly environment. We were blessed to be able to afford it, but for years, Felix begged to be allowed to attend public school. Even though he loved attending Mass, he never enjoyed attending school. We tried everything we could to get him to see the joy in it, but it only made his dislike stronger. For his junior year of high school, we finally relented. 

I never shared this with Felix, but I worried greatly about him having trouble making friends in his new environment. Growing up, he always had friends, and I worried how he would cope should that suddenly change. 

Right away, he became friends with Chan. I was so relieved. Even if he made no other friends, he at least had one. One afternoon, they had decided to come to our house to spend time together. I thought nothing of it at first, but when they came into the kitchen for Felix to tell me what they had planned, I noticed Chan staring at him. The look in his eyes was so fond. I can’t quite describe it, but it was obvious right away that Chan was interested in Felix beyond friendship. In that moment, I knew one of two things would happen. Eventually, Chan would confess his feelings to Felix, and Felix would reject him, or Chan would confess his feelings to Felix, and Felix would return them.

We raised our children in accordance with Catholic rules because I always believed that would lead them to the healthiest, happiest life and afterlife. I was always hard on my children, believing that would lead them to the best path. Felix, being our only son, admittedly suffered the most under the burden we placed on our children. Rather than gradually stepping back as he grew older so he could have room to grow and develop himself, we were very specific about our expectations. We did not allow him to be an individual. Every aspect of his future was planned, from daycare to law school to marriage. 

When Felix came to visit us for Thanksgiving, we gave him a cruel ultimatum. It was us or Chan—more specifically, end things with Chan by Christmas or don’t bother coming home. As the three of us sat down to have that conversation, I saw Felix as what he truly is for the first time. A man. When he cried and pleaded with us, I realized that he wasn’t a boy anymore. He was a man, and he was in love. That shook me to my very core. His love for Chan was much stronger, much realer than I ever imagined it could be. I never imagined that a true romantic connection could exist between two men. I had always thought of homosexuality as perverted, sexual behavior—not love. Felix was a complete mess by the time we parted ways for the night, and I knew immediately that everything I had previously thought had been wrong.

As Felix nears the end of his undergraduate program, studying a subject he never had interest in, I see that our expectations have created pressure that does much more harm than good. I would do anything to go back and change the way we raised our children, but I cannot. As I sit here writing this letter, I wish for nothing more than for Felix to be happy and true to himself and his feelings. I pray that Felix ignores my wishes from Thanksgiving and chooses Chan over our family. Our family has only caused him suffering and pain, while Chan has given him joy, love, and care. However, I fear the damage has already been done, and Felix may choose a path in life that doesn’t include Chan. 

So, I come to you as a fellow mother to apologize. Not only have I managed to ruin a chance at happiness for my own son, but possibly yours as well. I am sorry beyond words for any hurt that Chan may suffer due to my actions, as well as all past hurt. I deeply regret not advocating for my own son’s right to happiness, and I will change that from this day forward. I plan to speak with Felix when he returns home for Christmas about my change of heart. I want both our boys to be their truest selves, and not feel like they have to hide their feelings, or be afraid of how others may react. Love is worth fighting for, and I understand now that the right path is sometimes not the most convenient or easiest one. 

Mrs. Bang, I would like to invite you and your family over for Christmas dinner. I know it must be a difficult invitation to accept, but please do consider it. I would love for the past to be water under the bridge. If not for our sake, then for our sons’ sakes. Thank you, sincerely.”

Chan takes a deep breath. Carefully, he folds the letter back up and slips it inside the envelope. He takes it upstairs to his room. He pulls on a sweater and his coat before heading back downstairs. He quickly pulls on his shoes and walks outside. 

It’s snowing, and the nearest streetlight is out. Most of the houses have their lights off, but Felix’s parents’ house does not. Chan walks across the street, and it takes no time at all for him to reach the front door. He knocks. After waiting a few seconds, he knocks again. 

Felix’s mom opens the door. She has a glass of red wine in her hand, and her laughter instantly dies upon seeing Chan. 

“Chan?” Her pretty face contorts itself into a look of complete and utter shock. “What are you doing here? How are you? Come in, come in!” She frantically ushers him in out of the cold and snow. 

“Can I speak to Felix for a moment?” Chan asks. 

“Oh, um, yeah, of course,” she sputters, pointing up at the second floor. “He might be asleep, but you can try his door. You remember which one it is, right?”

“Yeah, thank you,” Chan says quickly before heading upstairs. 

Felix’s bedroom is at the very end of the hall. The door is closed, and Chan gently knocks on it. His heart feels like it’s about to beat out of his chest. He waits for a few seconds, then impatiently knocks again. 

The door opens. 

“What?” Felix asks sleepily, rubbing his eye. He instantly freezes once he recognizes Chan.

Silently, Chan holds the letter out to him.

Felix looks down at it, brows scrunched in confusion. He takes it. Stepping aside, he gestures for Chan to enter his room. He flicks on the light switch and closes the door. He moves across the room to sit on his bed, and Chan awkwardly stands, watching him. Felix pats the bed, and Chan comes to sit beside him. Chan watches as Felix unfolds the letter but looks away as he begins reading. 

He looks around the room. Chan hasn’t been here since they went off to college, and it’s strange to be here after so long. Nothing about it has changed, and Chan figures it’s for the same reason his parents haven’t changed his old bedroom—there’s no need for an extra room. Their families seem to have that in common; though it’s been many years since they’ve moved out, they’ve left behind spaces their families are unable to fill with anything else. 

Chan is pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of a sniffle. He turns his head to look back over at Felix, who’s now on the second page of the letter. A few tears have left clear lines over his freckles. Soon, he puts the letter down and turns to Chan.

“Does this… make sense to you?” Chan asks. 

Still sniffling, Felix nods. “Yeah.”

“Can you fill me in, then? What happened? Did she talk to you once you came home? If she accepted that you’re gay, why are you going on dates with women?” 

“When we broke up, I called home to tell them,” Felix explains. “She probably didn’t want to bring it up since we already broke up—the damage was done. That’s probably why our families never met up on Christmas—it would’ve been uncomfortable since we were done.”

“And the dates?” Chan questions.

“The dates…” Felix starts slowly, “were my idea…”

“What? Why?”

“I thought it would make her happy,” Felix says. “She never talked to me about it. One day when I was home, I suggested it because I thought that’s what she wanted… Since I brought it up, she probably assumed I actually did like women…”

“So—” Chan rubs his face. “We could’ve been together this whole time.”

“I… I guess so,” Felix says, wide eyes looking into Chan’s own.

“The past five years… were all just…!”

“Yeah… They were.”

“Now what?” Chan asks. “I… My mom only gave this to me because I told her about what happened on the trip because I couldn’t sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about you.”

Felix stares at him.

“But you were just sleeping away!” Chan exclaims.

Felix lowers his brows in offense. “I was tired!”

“Do you… Are you even— What do you want now?” Chan asks.

Felix opens his mouth to answer, then quickly closes it. He pauses. “Remember last night? What I said?”

“Felix, I love you,” Chan blurts out, unable to hold back any longer.

“I love you too,” Felix says. “Can we… can we try again?”

Chan nods eagerly. “Yes, I want to try again. Let’s try again.” 

Suddenly, Felix leans closer, wrapping his arms around Chan. “Thank you,” he says quietly, his voice breaking with emotion. “Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for trying again… Thank you for still loving me.” 

Chan grabs Felix’s arm and pulls back enough to press a soft kiss to his pink lips. He takes comfort in knowing there will be many, many more to come.