Archive of Our Own ^beta

The morning light crept into the bedroom, soft and golden, possibly because it was still early morning. JJ was laying on his stomach, his right arm lazily draped over Kiara’s waist, his head was turned away from her.

His eyes were still closed, so he let himself just feel the warmth of her next to him and if he tried hard enough, he could smell her, that soft coconut smell that always seemed to linger whenever she was.

It was way too early to be awake, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, not when he knew he could just lay there and watch her sleep. She always looked so peaceful when she slept, like she didn’t have a care in the world.

This time was different though, when he turned his head in her direction, he found her with small dark purple bruises all over her neck and chest. He immediately went still.

Did I do that? Am I the reason she has these bruises?

He had always thought of himself as someone who protected her, who would never hurt her, and for sure not physically hurt her, but maybe that was a lie, maybe he was just like his asshole of a father, who beat the shit out of everyone, maybe this was his start, maybe his dad had also started like this.

He could feel his breath picking up, that thought alone made him sick.

Before he could even begin to process this information, she stirred, shifting closer to him. Any other day he would pay attention to the way her eyelids flutter softly or how her hair was messy from sleeping and from the previous night’s activities. But now all he could see were the dark circles on her skin.

They were his fault—he was sure of it. The memory of last night flickered in fragments: his hands on her, his lips brushing her neck, the sound of her laugh—soft, teasing, breathless. At the time, it had felt... perfect.

Now, all he could see were the marks he’d left behind, dark and damning against her skin.

Before he could spiral further, Kiara stirred again beside him. She blinked slowly, her lashes fluttering as her eyes adjusted to the light.

“Hey,” she murmured, her voice soft and thick with sleep. A small smile tugged at her lips as she stretched, her hand brushing against his chest. “You’re up early”

But he couldn’t say anything, all he could think about were the bruises on her— the bruises that were his fault.

As soon as her eyes fully adjusted to the light, she could tell something was wrong, he had a wide eye gaze, and his face was paler than usual. Now that she was coming to her senses, she could feel his body rigid next to her, his arms at his sides instead of wrapped around her.

“Are you ok?” she asked, her voice laced with care and adoration, although JJ didn’t seem to notice it, he didn’t seem to notice she was talking at all.

"I didn’t mean to hurt you, Kie. I swear I didn’t—I just... I wasn’t thinking."

He took a look at her face before closing his eyes shut and running his hands through his hair, she looked confused, not really scared.

What do you know, you’re probably reading it wrong, she isn’t confused, she’s scared of you. Hell, you definitely read it wrong last night, she wasn’t enjoying it, she was scared it and you just kept going.

He could tell she was talking but he wasn’t really listening, not until she gently placed a hand on his neck, thumb brushing his jaw.

“JJ, look at me, please” her voice sounded so small that he really had no choice but to open his eyes “what are you talking about, jayj?”

“I swear I didn’t mean it, I swear” his voice broke and he looked at her, blue meeting brown, but all he could see was confusion. How come he could read her so easily before and now he couldn’t read her at all?

“JJ, it’s oka— ”

“No, it’s not, stop saying it’s okay, it’s not okay I swear I didn’t mean it but it doesn’t make it ok” her soft eyes met his, trying to understand what was going on, last night everything had seemed so perfect, he had seemed so happy and carefree but now he was in this state and she couldn’t help him because she didn’t know what was going on “I’m so sorry, I — shit, I really am sorry, I never meant for—”

“Jayj, there’s nothing to be sorry for…”

But he wasn’t listening to her, his eyes fixated on somewhere between her neck and chest, on any other day she would make some silly, teasing remark, but not day.

Today, instead, she just got up towards the mirror she had on her dresser.

She looked normal, like she had yesterday. Well, almost. Now, she had a couple of proud hickeys—JJ’s hickeys—from the night before.

“Wait, is this the reason you’re apologizing for?” she pointed at the soft dark circles on her skin.

She liked them. It was the first time JJ had ever done a hickey on her. They hadn’t been together for that long, and the other times they had sex it had been softer and gentler, quietly finding out what the other liked, but yesterday… yesterday she wanted more. She needed more.

She watched as he shyly nodded his head, his eyes closing again as if he couldn’t even stand the thought of looking at her like this.

“JJ” her voice was so calm he wondered why she wasn’t angry or upset at him. Then again, maybe she was and he just didn’t notice.

“JJ” she repeated, this time firmer “J, look at me”

He opened his eyes and saw her walking towards the bed, a soft look in her eyes, but there was something behind it— she looked almost as if she felt bad for him.

Why would she feel bad for me for something I did?

“hey, are you freaking out because you gave me hickeys?”

He felt the mattress dip a bit at her motion to sit down next to him, he was still laying on the sheets, slightly perched up on his elbow.

“yeah— but I really didn’t do it on purpose, God Kie, I would never hurt you on purpose ,I—”

“Hey. Breathe. Look at me—this is me telling you I’m okay, JJ, you didn’t hurt me” she spoke with such confidence

“I swear, these —” she pointed once more at them “— they don’t hurt, I love them, I’m actually kind of proud of them”

“wait what?” he did a funny, confused face and Kiara could swear she had a flashback to when she told him she loved him for the first time “Kie, they’re bruises, bruises I made, you shouldn’t like them”

“I know what it’s like to be hurt, JJ. And I know the difference between hurt and love. This—what we have? It’s not even in the same universe.” She scooched closer “I promise”

“So, last night, you really liked it, you weren’t scared? — I didn’t scare you?

“No, jayj, of course not, you could never scare me”

He still didn’t look convinced, all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him and protect him from every single bad thing in the world, she wished she could go back in time and give him a family that would actually teach him what love feels like, that didn’t led him to think that she was scared of him because he made a hickey on her.

"It’s just a mark, JJ. It doesn’t hurt, and I’m not scared of you." She reached for him, her hand on top of his “I trust you 100%, and I really love these, make me feel good that I was the one you gave them to”

He still had a hint of hesitation in his eyes but she could tell she was getting through to him.

“What if this is how it starts? What if one day I don’t stop myself in time?” his voice and quiet, his eyes trained on his hand and the expression on his face broke her

“No, you listen to me, you’re nothing like him. Nothing. You are a good person, a good and caring boyfriend and I know you would do anything to make me happy and would never hurt me” she brushed some strands of hair out of his eyes “Okay? You’re not your last name or your dad’s actions, you’re you and I love you”

He opened his mouth to talk but she cut him before he had the chance to “I don’t flinch when you touch me. I don’t fear you. I choose you.”

He nodded but still would barely look at her. “I mean it, I’m really proud I’m the one who has your hickeys to show”

He let out a soft laugh and she laid back down next to him “Do you mind it if I do?”

“mind if you do what?”

“If I leave a hickey on you, do you like it or does it like, kinda brings back bad memories— it’s okay if it does, I just wanted to know” her voice got smaller as she talked and suddenly it felt like they had switch parts and she was the one in needed of reassurance.

“are you kidding me? Do you know for how long I’ve wanted you, leave all the marks you want woman, I’m yours” and she knew, she knew that even though she always says ‘I love you’ first and that sometimes he doesn’t even say it back, she knows that he loves her.

She smirked and got closer to him “good, because I want everyone to know you’re mine” She leans in, and as her lips brush his skin, JJ feels his breath even out for the first time that morning.