Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I'm in a horrible mood. A mood so horrible I can't even sleep.

I'm lying in my crappy bed in my crappy dorm room at my crappy university. I’ll be starting my crappy freshman year tomorrow.

I guess most college freshmen are excited about these things, but I'm definitely not. I'd rather be just about anywhere else. 

I'm going to school at a small regional university in South Dakota. If you know anything about South Dakota, I could probably stop there and you'd understand why I don't want to be here.

If you don't, suffice it to say it is a barren wasteland. Despite being the 19th largest state by area, it has the third lowest population. There isn't a real city anywhere in sight.

It's devoid of people (worth talking to). Devoid of culture. Devoid of happiness as far as I can tell. Basically, there's nothing good about South Dakota. Or North Dakota, for that matter.

The location is but one crappy piece of the crappy puzzle, though.

My boyfriend also dumped me a week ago. He’s back in Boston, where I went to high school.

We made it through the whole summer saying we'd stay together and try to make it work despite the distance between us.  But he changed his mind last week. Decided we should break up and see what happens in college. Said ‘We'll find each other again if it's right.’

I'm pretty pissed at him, but if I'm being honest, it felt like something wasn't quite right between us anyway. Our relationship was good, but not great. I don't think I loved him. I definitely had some doubts about it being a lifelong thing. Still, it didn’t exactly make me feel good about myself or my crappy situation.

So how exactly did I end up in beautiful South Dakota, you ask?

I actually spent the first 9 years of my life in this little town. It didn't seem so bad back then.

But then my parents got divorced and I went with my mom to her hometown of Boston, while my dad stayed here.

I wanted to go to a university in the city, but my dad is a professor here, and it saved my family a lot of money for me to go here. I don't have to pay tuition and there’s a huge discount on everything else. I even got a private room for free. Thank God for that. I don't have to share a room with some South Dakota bumpkin.

Of course, if either of my parents were responsible adults, they would have been able to afford for me to go somewhere else. But they are both horrible with money despite having relatively well-paying jobs. 

To be fair, I also could have done better in high school. If I had done that, I might have gotten a scholarship or something. So, as much as I’d like to pile all the blame on my parents, I suppose I deserve some of it as well. I have just never found anything that motivates me to actually apply myself. I wish I could send a message to my past self about my current predicament. Maybe then I would have actually studied.

So now, I'm going to university in a podunk town in a crappy state that I normally only visit for a couple weeks of the year. I usually spend those two weeks holed up waiting for it to end.

Gonna be a lot harder to pull that off this time. 

Only 112 days until winter break.

It's Thursday of my first week of classes. The first few days were as crappy as I expected. Lots of boring professors and boring students introducing themselves. I've done the bare minimum of going to my classes, and spent the rest of my time holed up in my dorm room.

I really want to go home. I'm not making it here. I miss my mom. I miss my house. I miss my friends. I miss our pet cat. I even miss my stupid ex-boyfriend. 

Most of all I miss not being in a shitty backwoods town no one would ever willingly visit.

I think I'll drop out, get a job and save money to go to university somewhere else.

I'm going to cry to both my parents at the end of the week and beg for them to let me back out of this situation. I'm genuinely miserable. I hate it here even more than I expected. 

I'm going to class today and tomorrow anyway, because I know they'll ask if I gave things a fair shake. If I've been skipping class, I can't say that I did. Of course, I'm only going to be there physically. I'll disassociate my way through the day. That's worked so far.

My day starts with a two and a half hour long English composition class. It only meets once a week, that's why it's so long.

Thank God this will be the only time I go.

…

I made it through my class. More boring students and a boring professor . But now I can go back to my room and formulate a plan to get the hell out of here.

As I try to make my escape, I hear a girl behind me nervously say, “Um…Em, hey…what's up?”

I sigh loudly, annoyed that some girl is ruining my swift retreat. I consider ignoring her, but it's super annoying that she thinks she just can make up a nickname for me. I'll probably never see her again, so I feel like putting her in her place. 

I turn around and find a smiling girl unlike any I've ever seen. She's really tall. Really really REALLY tall. She'd be really tall even for a guy. She has short blonde hair that is somehow just as messy as it is short. She has bright blue eyes, and very fair skin. She's wearing a t-shirt with our university logo, athletic shorts, and flip flops. I can see that her legs and arms are also very muscular. Between her size and apparel, I think it's safe to say she's an athlete.

I'm not going to let her intimidating size keep me from being pissed at her, though. I cross my arms and tilt my head up so I can look her in the eye. I hiss at her, “I don't go by ‘Em.’” I use air quotes and a sneer for the last word.

The girl's smile inverts itself. ‘Downtrodden’ doesn't do her facial expression justice. She looks like I just ran over her pet dog. It's not a look you'd expect to see on the face of such an imposing person. Suddenly I feel really bad for being so mean.

Well…whatever. I'm never going to see her again.

Just as I'm about to turn around and leave, she bows her head, and quietly says, “You…used to. I-I'm sorry. I'll…leave you alone.”

‘Used to?’ 

Wait a minute…

I look at this large girl and blink several times out of confusion. I don't recognize her at all, but…there's only one person in my life who ever called me ‘Em’. Once she started calling me that, I started to call her ‘Kay’ since it was the first letter of her name  – Kara. That way, our nicknames for eachother sounded like letters. We called ourselves 'The Alphabet Girls.' Even put it on our treehouse where we liked to hang out. God, that sounds so dorky now.

She's…someone I haven't thought about in awhile. And…this girl looks so much different. But…it must be her.

I study her face and I start to see it when I focus on her eyes. Maybe it's the different angle because she's so tall now, but I didn't see it at first. It really is her. She's just a grown woman now. A very grown woman.

I find myself smiling for the first time since coming to this God forsaken town.

“Kay?”

She gives me a familiar laugh and claps her hands together like an excited little girl, “Yeah! I haven't heard anyone call me that in a long time.”

I chuckle, “Yeah well, same with you calling me ‘Em.’ Sorry for being…mean. I didn't know it was you.”

“Really? I thought you would have figured it out during introductions.”

I frown, “I wasn't really paying attention. Sorry. Let's go get lunch and catch up.”

As we head to the dining hall things seem very surreal. As we wait in line I look at her broad back, partially in disbelief. 

Is this really Kara? We were neighbors and she was my first friend. She's in most of my earliest memories. This is THAT little girl? 

Then she turns to look down at me with a smile that demolishes any doubt I had. I feel memories rushing back of me leading her by the hand, and looking back at her and her giving me that EXACT same smile.

I smile back.

She used to be so timid. We did everything together, but I often had to drag her along and lead the way. It’s hard to imagine she'd be timid now. She's probably the biggest person in most rooms.

We find a table and sit down together.

There's a brief awkward silence, but I decide to break it.

“I really didn't recognize you. You had such long hair back then. Longer than mine! And you were the same size as me back then, too.”

She laughs, “Yeah, I grew a lot. And I cut off my hair in high school. Was a pain dealing with it.” She studies me for a moment, “I thought maybe it was you the moment you came into the classroom, but wasn't sure until you said your name during intros.”

“I look that different?”

Kay nods, “Yeah. Well, maybe not as different as I do. But enough different that I had doubts. It's been 9 years after all. Puberty and all that had an effect. On you, at least. I'm still flat as ever.”

I almost shoot soda out of my nose, but manage to swallow before cracking up. She joins me.

“It feels really good to laugh with you again.”

“It really does…almost like I never left. Apart from you being a foot taller. Heck, more than a foot.”

“ And your huge rack.”

We find ourselves laughing together again. But when I come out of it, I see that Kara looks much more serious. She's frowning with a forlorn look in her eyes. I think I know why.

“Hey…Em…”

“Yeah?”

“What happened?”

I feel a pang in my chest as she looks at me with a very hurt expression.

I frown, “Well…I moved away with my mom.”

She clicks her tongue, “I know that . But you visited your dad, right? I mean, I know he moved after the divorce so we weren't neighbors, but…you came back to town to see your dad, didn't you?”

I'm an awful person.

“Yeah…I was here a week or two every year.”

She looks even sadder, “And you never thought to stop by?”

I frown and look down at the table, unsure what I can possibly say to her. There's no real excuse. She was one of the most important people in the world to me until I moved away. And I ditched her without a word. But I can help explain how I ended up doing something that hurt her.

She crosses her arms, clearly tired of waiting for my response.  “It hurt my feelings, you know. A lot. I felt like you dropped me when you left. Even when I was 9. I missed you so much. A-and…you didn't even care , did you?”

I find myself putting my hand on hers. Which surprises me at first. In some ways she is a stranger, but in most ways I feel just as close to her as I did as a kid. It wasn't unusual for us to hold hands back then.

“I’m sorry, Kay…it wasn't right of me. There's nothing that excuses me doing that to you. Nothing I can say to make up for it. But…I can explain the circumstances that…made me do something so horrible.”

She nods and gestures for me to continue.

“I had a hard time with the divorce. My parents were at each other's throats.” I sigh, “I got really depressed and…just didn't stay in touch. I wanted to leave this town behind as much as I could after…everything. And then…by the time I was old enough to realize I should reach out to you, I was scared you’d be mad, so I didn't.”

She smiles and squeezes my hand, “I understand. It…hurt. And I was upset for a long time. But I’m not anymore. And I'm glad we're friends again.” Some doubt creeps on to her face. “We… are friends again, right?”

I smile back and squeeze her hand in response, “We are. Thank you…for understanding. I should have known you would.”

“Yep. Water under the bridge. How are you liking being back?”

I frown and retract my hand, “I dunno. I…kind of…hate it. Sorry.”

She nods, “You looked and sounded miserable in class. I was worried.”

Worried about me when she hadn't seen me in 9 years? And I didn't even notice her? Some friend I am.

I nod, “I miss Boston. It feels like home now. Homesick I guess. And…I got dumped recently, too.”

“That sucks.” She looks at her phone and a look of panic appears on her face. She starts hurriedly gathering up her things. “I-if you want to talk more about it later, let me know. I'd talk now but I am late to get to a workout.”

“Workout?”

She nods while throwing her bag over her shoulder, “I'm on the basketball team. I lost track of time and I'm running late. I'm gonna get chewed out. And I really need to go or get chewed out even more. Sorry to run out on you.”

“Hey, it's okay. I ran out on you for 9 years, remember?”

She chuckles, “That's true.”

“Okay, see you later. I'll take your tray back. It was really nice seeing you.”

She nods and dashes out of the dining hall.

I think I found a reason to try things here for a little longer.

Chapter Text

It's Thursday again, which means it's time for English comp. I'm heading to class right now and very nervous.

I haven't heard from Kara since we ate lunch last week. We didn't exchange numbers because she left so quickly. So, I found her on MySpace and facebook and added her on both. But she never added me back.

I'm worried she's angrier than she let on for how I treated her. She was surprisingly forgiving. Maybe she thought about it more and decided she wants nothing to do with me.

I’ve even lost a little bit of sleep over everything. I feel so horrible for what I did to her. Seeing her again made me realize just how awful it was of me to disappear on her without a word.

I was only 9. And I was having a really hard time, but telling myself that doesn't make me feel any better.

So, if she decided she hates me, I guess I wouldn't blame her. Although that would mean she's changed a lot over the last 10 years, because she wasn't the type who would ever hate anyone. She was the sweetest little girl around. And I was the spiciest. We balanced each other out.

I'm standing outside the classroom now. I take a deep breath and open the door. My eyes are immediately drawn to the large blonde girl sitting in the back of the class.

Should I approach her? Or…maybe I should give her space? Yeah, I should give her space.

Just as I'm thinking about this, she sees me and gives me a big smile and wave and points to the seat next to her. 

I feel all of my anxiety dissolve as I take my seat next to her and return her smile.

She says, “Hey, I forgot to get your number.” She hands me her flip phone, “Put it in there for me. I'll do the same with yours.”

I do as she asks with a big smile on my face.

She must be the type who has social media but never checks it. I could definitely see that. Kind of embarrassing that I was so stressed about everything now. 

She doesn't need to know about that.

…

Now we're at lunch. Though a more abbreviated one this week because she has to get to another workout. And she wants to be on time this time.

She just finished explaining what her schedule is like for basketball right now. 

“So…it’s like a part-time job?”

“Yeah, kind of. I have 15 hours of class and 20 hours of basketball each week. It’s kind of intense.”

I nod, “Sounds like it. But you like it, right?”

She smiles, “I love it. That’s why I won’t stop talking about it. Sorry.”

I laugh, “That’s okay. It’s a big part of your life. I like hearing about it. When did you get so into it?”

“Well, I always liked it. Remember, we used to play HORSE sometimes?”

“Oh yeahhh! There was a basketball goal on the same tree where we had our tree house, right?”

She laughs, “Yep. My dad put it there. Was hoping it would get me into it.”

“Well, mission accomplished, I guess?” Suddenly I recall something about our games of HORSE, “Hey wait…didn't I always win?”

She smiles, “Yep. You did. I was pretty bad back then.”

I chuckle, “Kind of funny now. When did you start playing competitively?”

I'm surprised when she frowns and starts fidgeting with her napkin, “I…spent a lot of time at that goal…after you left. I didn’t want to go all the way up into the treehouse without you. I thought…I’d wait to do that until you came back. And we'd play up there again together. But…playing basketball was okay ‘cause it was never our thing, and I could do it with my dad.”

I feel a sharp pang in my chest.

Once again – I’m a horrible person .

“...Oh. Shit. I'm sorry.”

“I-it's okay. You helped me find something I really love, in a way.” She sighs, “I should probably stop bringing that stuff up.”

I shake my head and put my hand on her shoulder, “I want to know how it made you feel. And it just came up naturally anyway. Don't censor yourself for my sake.”

She nods, “Okay.”

I poke her arm, “So hey…I'm finally back now. Is the treehouse still there?”

She chuckles, “Kind of. It's in ruins, though. We can't get in it without a trip to the hospital, I don't think...”

“Well…I still think we should go visit it when we get a chance.”

She smiles, “Sure. We can even play some HORSE.”

I have a feeling I won't be winning this time.

“-ou okay?”

“Huh?”

I feeI Kara's hand on my shoulder, “I asked…are you okay?”

It's Saturday and I’m on the path that leads to Kara's parents’ front door. It's a familiar place. 

Even more familiar is the house next door. The house my family used to live in. Somehow, I hadn't thought about seeing it again. Now I can't look away from it. Only once Kara said something did I realize I was stock still staring at it.

I need to push all of that out of my mind. Or I'm not going to make it through this.

I look at Kara, who looks concerned for me. I put on my best smile, “Y-yeah, I'm good.”

We continue along the path to her front door.

Kara gives me a smile and opens the door and I follow her in. It opens right into the living room. Her dad is sitting on the couch watching TV. He immediately gets up to greet us.

While his hairline has receded a bit since I last saw him, he largely looks how I remembered. He has short blonde hair and blue eyes like his daughter. His immediate smile tells me he's probably as nice as I remember too.

He greets his daughter with a warm hug and then extends his hand to me,“It’s nice to see you again, Emily.”

I shake his much larger hand, “You too, Mr. Olson. I-it's um…been too long.”

When I was a kid, everyone seemed tall. So I didn't really notice how exceptionally tall Mr. Olson was. He's several inches taller than Kara. He's probably the tallest person I've ever met. I probably shouldn't have been so surprised that Kara grew so much.

With a wink and a smile he replies, “It sure has. We were thrilled when Kara told us you were in her class.”

…

Dinner has been really nice. Kara's parents have been really welcoming despite how long it's been. In some ways, it feels like I never left.

Being around them reminds me that they are super sweet, polite people. The whole house feels like it's full of warmth and positive energy. I find myself feeling a little envious, since that's the exact opposite from what it's like around my parents.

Just as I'm thinking about this, Kara's mom asks, “How are your parents, Emily?”

Ugh. I really do not want to talk about them. Not right now. I need to answer this and get out of it at the same time.  

As I'm formulating a plan, Kara says, “Actually mom, we wanted to check out the treehouse and stuff before it gets dark. Can we be excused?”

Mrs. Olson frowns, “Oh alright , but I would like to catch up with you some time, Emily. This won't be the last we see of you, I trust?”

“N-no ma'am it won't.”

She nods, “Then you can be excused.”

I nod and then Kara and I get up and head to their expansive backyard.

Kara smiles, “I got you out of there this time. But mom loves gossip. I don't know how long I can protect you.”

I grimace, “It was that obvious I didn't want to talk about my parents, huh?”

“Well…you told me the divorce was hard. And…you looked really sad when you saw your old house.”

Ugh. She can read me so well even when I'm trying to hide how I'm feeling.

I nod, “Y-you’re right. Thank you.”

She takes a few steps out into the yard and points toward the one oak tree, “There it is.”

I look where she's pointing and I see our dilapidated treehouse nestled between the branches. The roof is completely gone and most of the wood that still is there is in bad shape. It's also overgrown with vines and moss and all manner of other plant material.  The ladder we used to climb to get up there has lost all but one of its rungs.

I feel myself starting to get emotional about the state of it, so I look away and change the subject. My eyes fall on the half-basketball court and basketball goal that weren't here when we were kids. It even has lines painted on it, like a real basketball court.

“That's new.”

Kara snorts, “New to you, I guess. Been here a few years now.”

“Should we play a game of HORSE?”

She laughs, “Sure. Let me go get a ball.”

As she fetches a ball from the shed, I refresh myself on the rules.

If I make a shot, she has to make it too or she gets a letter. And vice versa. And whoever spells out HORSE first loses.

Kara returns with the ball and takes a casual shot from like 30 feet away from the basket and it goes in. I catch the ball after it bounces towards me and grimace.

“I…don't think this is going to go well for me.”

Kara laughs, “I bet it will be closer than you think. Just shooting doesn't really let me take advantage of the height difference.”

I click my tongue, “Whatever. You just made that crazy shot! And I still only know how to shoot granny style!” 

I get a few feet in front of the basket, take hold of the ball with both my hands and lower the ball between my legs before bending my knees and moving my arms upward before releasing the ball. It doesn't even get high enough to be remotely close. The ball bounces away.

Kara cracks up laughing. Eventually she doubles over and puts her hands on her thighs. I'm a little annoyed at first, but then I can't help but start laughing with her.

“It would seem that…while you've gotten big and strong the last 10 years, I've only gotten less athletic.”

This is going to be brutal . At least it will be over quickly.

…

I just lost horribly. Now we're sitting on some patio furniture in the yard, not far from the treehouse.

“Well…can't say I didn't see it coming.”

Kara laughs, “Hey! You gave me one letter!”

I roll my eyes at her, “I only made that one shot. And I'm 99 percent sure you missed that shot on purpose.”

She laughs without denying it, “Hey…Em, thanks for coming out here.”

I think I can probably look at the treehouse now without getting upset. I think it's hard for me to look at because it's so different in my memories. And it's another sign of how much I let her down.

Either way, I need to do this. For her, and for me.

“Of course. It's about time, right?” I look up at the dilapidated tree house and extend my hand to her. She takes it with a smile.

It's a lot harder to actually lead her by the hand now that she's so much bigger than me. But she's going along with it.

We stand up and I lead her to a spot where we can more closely admire it. We look up at it for a few seconds, and I find what I'm looking for. It's a now very dirty white board that we velcroed to the side of the treehouse. The once brightly colored refrigerator magnet letters spell out: 

 

LP A ET G RL

 “Hey, the sign is still there! Amazing that most of those magnets held on for so long.”

Kara laughs and smiles at the treehouse, “Yep.” She furrows her brow and then looks at the ladder, “Actually…hang on a sec.”

She lets go of my hand and walks up to what's left of the ladder and gives the one remaining step, which is about three rungs up, a hard kick. When it doesn't give way, she grabs the sides of the ladder and pulls herself up on the step. It makes a loud crackling noise when she does.

“Hey…be careful!”

“I will. It'll just take a second.”

Kara looks up at the treehouse and stretches her left hand out as far as she can. She manages to just reach the whiteboard. Realizing what she's doing, I position myself underneath the treehouse.

She slips the tips of her fingers behind it and pulls. The velcro makes its characteristic sound, and the whiteboard falls into my outstretched arms. 

As I celebrate my athletic feat by holding the whiteboard above my head and grinning, Kara nimbly leaps off of the ladder and claps her hands together to get the dust off of them.

After her far more impressive athleticism, she smiles at me, “Good thing you can catch better than you can shoot.”

I pout at her, “Hey! I was really proud of myself for not dropping it.”

She claps me on the shoulder, “I know. Good job.”

I smile and look down at the sign. She gets next to me so that she can look at it too.

She chuckles, “We were very proud of our silly club name. Our two person club.” She shakes her head, “Man, we were dorky.”

I giggle, “Yep. I think those two dorky little girls would be glad the Alphabet Girls are back together, though.”

Kara smiles, “They would be.” She points at herself, “ This dorky college girl is happy about it too.”

I laugh and point at myself, “ This one is too.”

Lately, I haven't been hating things in this town so much.  I’ve tried a little bit harder. I’m not disassociating as much in class. Some of them are actually kind of interesting now that I'm giving them a chance.

History and Psychology have both surprised me. The professors here are so much more engaging and interesting to listen to than anyone in high school. That’s made it easier.

It's lame, but I think it’s because having Kara here has made it a lot easier to imagine myself staying here too. She was here when I was a kid and I liked it here. So maybe the same is true now?

But…I’m still not sure I want to stay here. I did decide it would be kind of a waste not to at least finish out the semester though. So I’m not about to leave, either.

Kara and I are hanging out in my dorm room. This has become the norm for the evening for the last couple weeks.

On days when she doesn't have evening basketball stuff, we eat dinner together in the dining hall and then come back here to hang out. 

It's kind of like our new treehouse. I even hung the “ALPHABET GIRLS” sign on the wall behind my bed. Complete with new letters for the ones that were lost to time. Those brighter letters stick out next to the more faded ones.

We're both sitting cross-legged on my bed.

She just finished telling me about practice today. I didn't understand much of it, but the passion she has is amazing. So it's hard not to smile and enjoy her stories even when I don't understand what's going on.

I'm getting pretty excited about actually seeing her play later in the semester. 

“What position do you play?”

She smirks at me, “Are you even going to know what it is if I tell you?”

Ah, so the fact I know nothing about basketball hasn't gotten past her. I thought I was doing a better job of faking it. Of course, my performance in HORSE didn't do me any favors.

I laugh, “Probably not. But you can explain. I want to understand.”

“I play Center. Do you know what that means?”

I shake my head before she even finishes her question, making her laugh.

“Basically…it means I'm the biggest, strongest girl on the team and stay near the basket. I take short range shots on offense, block short range shots on defense, and get lots of rebounds on both.”

I nod as I try to decipher her explanation. 

She laughs at my silence, “Any part you didn't understand? I tried to avoid using slang and stuff.”

“Um…I think I get most of it. But…what’s a …rebound?”

She thinks for a moment, “Yeah…I guess if you've never watched basketball that isn't super obvious, huh? That's when someone misses a shot, and the ball is up for grabs. The person who gets it, gets the rebound.”

I nod, “Ah, so it rebounds off the basket. I can remember that. And you're good at it because you're tall and strong?”

She nods, “There's a little more to it than that, but that's good enough for now. You know, you really don’t have to know everything about basketball to be my friend.”

“I know. But…it’s a big part of your life. And you love it. I want to know the basics about what you do. That way I can cheer properly when the season starts.”

She smiles, “I will be able to teach you.” She winks at me, “Maybe I'll even show you how to shoot a basketball the normal way.”

I laugh, “I could definitely use some coaching. So…the center is the biggest girl on the court?”

I'm a little surprised to see her smile falter a little bit. Then she nods.

So she's tall even for a basketball player.

“How tall are you, anyway?”

Her smile is completely gone now, “6 foot 5.”

Holy SHIT. She's a foot and three inches taller than me. I knew she was really tall. But hearing the number somehow makes it more impressive. 

I can't be stunned for too long though. Not when she's clearly a little upset.

“Sorry, sore subject?”

She picks up the pillow off my bed and hugs it to her chest, “Kinda. I get asked all the time. Including by strangers who don't even start with a ‘hello’. You wouldn't believe how often I get asked if I play basketball.”

I laugh, “Well…you do , right?”

She doesn't laugh, “That's not the point, Em. Point is some people treat me like I'm some sort of attraction. Not a person.”

I frown, “I always thought being tall was all upside. Guess not, huh?”

She shakes her head, “If I were like 5 foot 10 that would be one thing. But 6 foot 5 and 230 pounds is…kind of freakish territory for a girl.” She shrugs and looks a little sad, “I'm glad my size and strength make me good at basketball. But when I'm off the court?” She frowns and looks down at the bed and hugs the pillow a little tighter. Only now do I realize she's trying to hide her body behind it.

It breaks my heart a little bit.

“Honestly, I really don't like how I look. I hate my body. B-big but flat as a pancake is a weird combo.”

“You have a great body, though!”

She doesn't look convinced.

I guess I'll be more specific.

“You're in amazing shape. I'd kill for your toned legs or butt. And I'd love to be taller too!”

Kara blushes, which makes me blush too. She quietly asks, “Would you trade me a few inches of your chest for a few inches of my height?”

I giggle, “Do you know some weird plastic surgeon in this town?”

She laughs, “No. Just joking. Plus even if it was possible to trade, coach would probably kill me for giving up what she calls my ‘God-given gift.’ You should probably keep yours too.”

“Did you just call my boobs divine ?”

“I…guess I sorta did, huh? Am I wrong? I bet people like ‘em.”

I blush a little myself now, “You're…not wrong. But believe it or not, it sounds like having big boobs isn't too different from being really tall, when it comes to how other people interact with you.”

“Yeah? People ask you your cup size without saying hello?”

I sigh and scratch the back of my head, “Let's just say…that has happened a nonzero number of times.” 

Her eyebrows shoot up and her jaw drops, “ Seriously?! I was just joking. I guess having big boobs isn't all upside either.”

“Yeah, most people have the decency not to ask about my measurements. But some people - usually creepy dudes - stare like I'm an object, not a person. So…I know a little of what you feel.”

Kara nods, “Sorry. I shouldn’t have teased you. What you deal with is way worse.”

I shrug, “It sucks sometimes. I'm happy with my body, though. It…doesn't sound like you feel the same.”

She frowns, “Yeah. You're right.” She gives me a cute smile. “But…y-you telling me you like my um…butt…helped.”

I laugh, “Good. You know, we should go shopping sometime. I think we could find you some stuff that would help you see how cute you are.”

She looks down at her university t-shirt and athletic shorts, “Yeah, I suppose you've noticed I'm not much of a fashionista. I'm whatever the opposite is. I…kind of hate shopping because I don't look good in anything.”

I look at her for a moment and tap my chin while I think, “I can think of a few things you'd look great in. But yeah, it'd need to be a day trip to Sioux Falls to find a place that will have the right stuff in the right size.”

She still doesn't look convinced. In fact, she looks really anxious.

I put my hand on hers, “Hey…we don't have to do it if you're uncomfortable. I think you look great how you're dressed now, really. I just know that you don't feel that way. And if I can do anything to help you see it too, I want to.”

She looks at me and smiles bashfully. 

It's adorable she has the same mannerisms she had as a little girl. Every time she does that I get this rush of nostalgia. It's like I see her as she was at 9 and how she is today at the same time. 

“Thank you. That's really sweet. I-I’m just…really scared you won't find anything. And then I’ll feel even worse.”

“Kay - there is a 100% chance I find you something you’ll love.”

She smiles, “W-well…if you promise . Okay…can we do it on Sunday?”

“Yeah! That's a good idea.”

I hope I didn't oversell that. I AM working with what’s available in a pretty crappy mall.

Chapter Text

It's Sunday morning.

I'm in the car with Kara, we're heading to Sioux Falls for a day trip. It's the only place around here remotely close to being a city. And the only place I can be confident I can find some clothes in Kara's size. 

The drive is about an hour and a half. We just left campus.

“My dad was pretty excited when I told him why I wanted to borrow his car to go shopping with you.” I let out an exasperated sigh, “We have to have dinner with him when we get back. As payment.”

Kara laughs, “That's fine with me. I'm just glad that I fit in here with the seat all the way back. It's comfortable, even.”

“Yeah, I was a little worried about that in this little Toyota. But it doesn't look too bad.”

“Yep, I'm comfy.” She turns to look at me, “How are things between you two?”

I know what she's asking. But maybe I can play dumb and evade her question.

“Between?”

“You and your dad.”

Dammit.

I narrow my eyes and tighten my hold on the steering wheel.

“Wh-why do you ask?”

“Well…it doesn't seem like you're close. Otherwise you would have visited more. And you'd be happier about coming here. And having dinner with him later.”

I sigh, “You're right. We…aren't close.”

“We don't need to talk about it, if you don't want to.”

“No, it's okay. You deserve to know stuff about…how my family fell apart. Given that it's my lame excuse for…what I did to you.”

“Em, you don’t owe me anything. Only tell me if you want to.”

“I do want to. But give me a minute. This…isn’t something I've ever talked to anyone about apart from my mom and therapist.”

She puts her hand on my shoulder and gives me an encouraging smile, “It means a lot to me that you want to tell me.”

That familiar smile does make it easier for me to do this.

I take a deep breath and say, “So the reason for the divorce was he…he cheated on my mom.”

“That's…terrible.”

“I know. She didn't take it well. To say the least. Ever since it all happened…she's been an alcoholic.”

Kara frowns and looks very concerned for me, “…she's been one since the divorce? And you've lived with her?”

“Yeah. But don't worry. She's not like…a stereotypical alcoholic parent. She doesn't hurt me or get angry or anything. And she never drinks during the day. She only drinks once she gets home from work. She gets drunk and falls asleep on the couch every night by about 7.”

Kara's concern doesn't dissipate, “Sh-she was doing that even when you were 9?”

“Um…yeah. I…had to grow up fast.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well…I taught myself to cook, do laundry, all that stuff.” I laugh wryly, “I wake her up every morning, i-instead of the other w-way around.”

Why is my lip quivering like that? Pull it together!

“That sounds…so hard.”

“Y-yeah…that's part of why it's hard being here. I'm worried about her b-b-being on her own. I'm worried she'll g-g-get worse.”

My lip won't stop. And I feel pressure in my throat and behind the bridge of my nose. 

Am I SERIOUSLY going to cry? I’ve basically never cried about this, not really. Not even in therapy. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I've REALLY cried even once in the last 10 years. I guess I'm due.

Just as I’m about to say I need to pull over, Kara gently says, “Hey, do you want to pull over so we can talk better?”

I nod and smile at her for still knowing me this well all these years later. I was more of a cry baby when I was kid, so this probably doesn't seem that unusual to her.

I pull the car over and park on the shoulder. I grip the steering wheel tightly and sit in silence for a moment, while Kara waits patiently. A few tears make their way down my cheeks while I try to tell her the worst part of all this. 

“So…I’m really mad at my dad for all of that. For hurting my mom so badly that she…drinks. B-but…if it ended there, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.”

Kara frowns and her eyes narrow, “I-it gets worse?”

I turn and look in her light blue eyes and nod feebly, before I burst into tears, much to my embarrassment. 

Kara puts an arm around me and pulls me close to her, and I settle into the side of her chest, where I bawl my eyes out like I’m 5 years old again.

I had all of this inside of me? I don't think I knew. I haven't felt comfortable enough to tell someone all this. And certainly not comfortable enough to cry like a child. Kara really is special. She really is my best friend, even all these years later.

Eventually, I cry all the tears I can and I sit up. When I do, I see Kara has a few tears too.

She smiles at me warmly, “You don't have to tell me the rest right now.”

I shake my head, “No…I want to. Just had to have…a mental breakdown first, apparently.”

She laughs softly, which makes me feel better. Truthfully I don't think I have any more tears left in me, so it's probably best I get it out of the way now. If I spread it out, I’ll probably just cry all over her again.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, “I'm the one who caught him…cheating. And…I'm the one…who had to tell my mom.”

“Whoa.”

I open my eyes and nod, “That morning…I started to feel sick on the way to school, so mom dropped me off back at the house and went to work. It was a day my dad didn't need to go to campus, so I’d be home with him.” I clench my eyes shut again, as if doing so will allow me to unsee what I saw that morning, “I…I went in and saw some woman I didn't know…naked on top of my dad on the couch.”

Kara's eyebrows shoot up, “Wh-who was she?”

I scoff, “Some professor. A-anyway, my dad lied to me and tried to explain it away and tried to get me not to say anything to my mom. Even when I was 9 it pissed me off. I may not have understood everything, but I knew he was doing something wrong. And I knew he was lying. And I knew he was trying to get me to lie to my mom!”

Kara reaches out and squeezes my shoulder, “Yeah…I can see how that would make it hard to be close to him.”

I nod, “I called my mom at work and then…my family fell apart.” I start to sniffle again, but manage to keep it together.

I feel a little better when Kara takes my hand, “Hey…you don't blame yourself, do you?”

I shake my head.

I've been asked this in therapy before. And the answer has always been an easy ‘no.’ But now that Kay's asking…

“Sometimes…I do wonder if I had done what my dad said…if they'd still be together. And maybe…maybe my mom wouldn't drink.”

Kara squeezes my hand, “Well…for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.”

I smile, “Thanks. I think you're probably right.”

“So…what's it been like when you're around him since then?”

“We barely talk when we’re around each other. When I visit, which I only do because it was part of the custody agreement, I mostly refuse to come out of my room.”

“But…he lent you this car, right?”

“Yeah. He did. We don't…hate each other…I don't think. But there's just this…suffocating tension. I lose my temper a lot with him and stuff.”

“Have you two ever talked about it all?”

“Nope. What can be said?”

“Well…I dunno. But telling him how all that stuff made you feel, like you just did to me, would probably make you feel a little better. And maybe you could hear how it all made him feel.”

I scowl at her and rip my hand away from hers. I squeeze the steering wheel as hard as I can and I raise my voice as I look out the windshield, “How it made him feel, Kay!? Who fucking cares!? He cheated on my mom. He broke her heart. He broke her. I don't want to hear about why he wanted to fuck some other woman!”

Kara quietly says, “S-sorry. I…I shouldn’t have butted in.”

I look over at Kara, and see that she has moved as far away from me as she can. She’s looking out the window with her body pressed against the car door.

I went too far. Especially because we just became friends again like three weeks ago. She didn't deserve to be yelled at.

I sigh, “You're just trying to help. A-and you're probably right. We need to have that conversation some day. But I'm not ready. As you can see from how much of a bitch I just was.”

She laughs and relaxes a little, “You weren't.”

“Oh really? Pretty sure screaming at the person who let me get her top all wet with my tears is pretty bitchy.”

She laughs again and relaxes some more, “You’re just upset. Not a…b-i-t-c-h.”

I raise my eyebrows at her and barely manage to suppress a laugh at her spelling out the word, “You…don't curse at all do you?”

She shakes her head and blushes a little, which is pretty cute. She was always such a good girl when we were little. I was the naughty one. That hasn't changed.

“Well…that makes my profane tirade even worse. Anyway…thank you, Kay. Seriously.  I needed to get all that off my chest, apparently. It feels lighter already.”

She smirks and looks at my chest, “Looks as big as ever to me.”

We both crack up laughing as I start the car and we get back on the road.

…

We made it to the mall a little later than originally planned as a result of my emotional breakdown. We had lunch in the food court and then visited several different stores with no luck. There just aren't any cute outfits that work for her. The dresses that are long enough have large bust sizes. It's like they don't think it's possible to be taller and have smaller boobs.

When I ask the people at the store if they might be able to help find something in her size they look at her as if that's an impossible task. I quickly learn she wasn't exaggerating about how people look at her.

So she hasn't even tried anything on, because I can tell that the stuff just won't fit her, and after seeing how she feels about her body the other day, I know she'll get upset if I choose something and it doesn't fit.

I'm starting to get very worried. And Kara's gone from being excited about the whole thing to looking dejected. 

I refuse to leave this fucking mall without finding her something that makes her feel good about herself. She made me feel better about my parents on the drive here. We can't end this trip without me helping her too.

I can't let her down. I won't be defeated by a crappy mall in this crappy state. 

I'm rifling through the 50th rack of the day when I finally find something that I think will work. 

I pull the garment in question out and hold it out in front of me. I turn to find Kara, who is leaning against the wall and frowning with her arms crossed. I walk towards her and hold it out in front of her.

This could work!

I press it against her, “Here, try this on.”

She looks at the garment and then back at me with uncertainty, “A…d-dress?”

“Yeah. A super cute dress.”

She claps her hands together and frowns, “I… really don't like how my chest and shoulders look, and dresses don't hide them. It's just like, ‘Oh look at that girl with the broad shoulders and no boobs.’

I smile, “Kay, if you put that dress on, no one will be looking at your chest or shoulders. I promise you that.”

She studies me and the dress in turn. She smiles softly, “I'm…not sure what that means. But now I want to find out.” 

She takes the dress and takes a few steps towards the changing rooms before turning around with a bashful look on her face.

“Um…”

“Yeah?”

“Will you come with me?”

“In the dressing room?”

She nods, “Is that weird? I j-just…want to make sure I put it on right. And if I don't like it …I don't want anyone else to see it.”

“Of course I'll help.”

She smiles broadly and lets me take the lead. For a split second, I reflexively extend my hand towards her, but I don't think she noticed.

This really feels like it did when we were kids. Her being unsure and me leading her by the hand. But the handholding should probably just be metaphorical now that we're grown up.

At least in public.

We find an empty dressing room and Kara hangs the dress on the hook. Then she turns her back to me and takes her t-shirt off. I notice she wasn't wearing a bra.

I’d like to tell her that that’s one nice benefit she derives from her modest chest, but as much as she envies mine and dislikes hers, I probably shouldn’t .

I find myself captivated by the sight of her back. She's not even flexing or anything right now, and her muscles are very visible. I don't know anything about muscles or what they are called, but her muscles are so well defined that I can see that her back has several separate muscles. 

I’m 99% sure my back has no visible muscles at all. 

As I'm enjoying watching how her back moves when she moves, she says, “Em?”

“Yeah?”

She holds the dress in front of herself, “Do I just…pull it over my head?”

“More or less. Unzip it first.”

She nods and does as I said, before pulling it over her head. As she does, I help her pull it down and straighten it. Then when I'm satisfied, I zip up the back.

Now that I'm seeing more of her, I'm even more impressed with her body. It's so firm and toned. She has to work hard for her body to look like this too. I really think she looks great. But, she already knows I think that. I just need her to see what I do. I hope this dress helps.

She turns around to look at me with a stiff posture and her hands clasped together, looking very unsure of herself. But she looks great. Better than great. She looks beautiful. I breathe a sigh of relief and smile.

It's a yellow shift dress that loosely covers her chest and shoulders that she's worried about, and it tapers as it goes down. It is probably just a tiny bit shorter than is ideal, but it looks like it fits her very well apart from that. Besides, the shortness draws even more attention to her long, toned legs.

The dress, combined with her hair cut, is giving me some serious flapper vibes. Although I guess most flappers probably weren't 6 foot 5 and jacked. 

I voice my thoughts to her, “You look amazing.”

“I-I do? I'm scared to look in the mirror.”

“You really do. And you should see for yourself.” I point her towards the mirror.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes before turning towards the mirror. She slowly opens one eye, before opening the other one and smiling radiantly. It makes me feel warmth in my chest.

“I-I do!”

I smile at her, “I'm glad you agree.”

She nods and touches her chest, “I like that it's loose up here. And I really like my legs in it.”

“That kind of dress is really made to draw attention to them more than anything. And you definitely have the legs for it. They look great.”

I'm surprised when she suddenly turns around and grabs me in a tight hug. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to call it a bear hug. Only the tips of my toes are still touching the ground. 

I notice she's sniffling a little, “Thank you, so… so much, Em…no one has ever been able to make me look cute.”

I'm glad she isn't busty, or my face would be buried in her boobs. Still, I'm wearing a sundress and our bare skin is rubbing together on our legs. I feel my cheeks flush as I start to get embarrassed. 

She releases me from the hug, “I'm glad you like it. But…I didn't make you cute, Kay. You already were . I just picked out a dress.”

She smiles and admires herself in the mirror some more while playing with the hem of her dress, “What is this called? This kind of dress, I mean.”

“A shift dress.”

“It's my favorite kind of dress.”

I laugh, “Do you know other kinds of dresses?”

“Nope! But I've tried a lot I didn't like. Doesn't matter if I know what kind they were.”

I giggle, “I…guess that's true. Well, now we know what to put you in to make you feel confident. I bet we can find some other ones in this store, too. Then you'll really be ready for some college dating.”

Suddenly, all the enthusiasm and happiness drains from her face, “D-dating?”

“Yeah, I mean. If you want. The guys at school will go wild if they see you in that, don't you think?”

She nods slightly, “Thanks again, Em. I'll change out of it. I think I can get it off on my own.”

I nod, “Okay. I'll go see if there's anything else for you on that rack.”

As I step out of the dressing room and head back to the rack, I start to worry about her demeanor when I left.

Maybe she doesn't really like the dress? And was just being nice. She certainly didn’t seem very confident about other people seeing her in it when I brought it up.

However, when she comes back out, she's all smiles and is very happy when I find her one other dress in the same style.

We’re leaving the store now, and she’s beaming with happiness as she carries the bag with her new dresses in it. 

Maybe I was imagining things in the changing room?

Chapter Text

“It's nice to see you again after so many years, Kara.”

Kara and I just got back from our shopping day trip. After succeeding in finding her a couple of dresses, we were in a pretty silly mood on the drive home, recounting lots of funny stories from our childhood. 

Like, the biggest fight we ever had was because she wouldn't agree with me about which My Little Pony was best. Of course I was the unreasonable one who decided it was a very big problem that we didn't agree.

She said, ‘It's okay if we like different ponies. We're still best friends!’

To which I very maturely said, ‘Not anymore! Not unless you say Applejack is best!’

We had a good time laughing about all those silly times together. In most of the stories, I was a little shit and she was sweet and kind.

I'm not sure that has changed.

However, we're at my dad's house now and the moment I walked in the door, I felt like all the happiness from the day was sucked out of me.

He made us dinner, and he has us sitting at the dining room table even though we just got here. It feels forced and fake to me.

I'm not sure I have ever eaten at the dining table in this house. If we eat together it's usually in front of the television. Watching movies and eating are pretty much the only things we actually do together.

We are usually not very talkative when we do them either. I guess adding Kara to the mix has changed the equation for him, since we're all eating at the table and he's chatting her up.

I can mostly tune it out thanks to how good this meal is. Say what you will about his life choices, but my dad is a great cook. No doubt about it. It’s really the one thing I look forward to when I visit.

My mom was never much of a cook to begin with, and she pretty much stopped cooking entirely after the divorce. While I can hold my own in the kitchen, I have never made anything quite on his level.

He made green chile chicken enchiladas, and I'm really enjoying them. They're spicy, but the cheese cuts into the spice just enough, and the chicken is so perfectly tender. They are good enough to restore some of my good mood.

“It's nice seeing you too, Mr…err…Doctor? Jimenez.”

My dad laughs, “You only have to call me ‘Doctor’ if and when you're in one of my classes.”

Kara nods and smiles, “Okay, mister, then.”

“You've certainly grown, haven't you? How tall are you anyway?”

My dad's stupid fucking question pulls me out of my food-induced contentment.

I put down my fork and cross my arms, “Dad, is that really one of the first things you have to say to her when you haven't seen in so long?! To talk about her appearance!? That's at the top of the list for you!?”

He frowns, “Calm down, Emily. I don't think it's a strange question.” He smiles at her, “You just look so different. You were this cute little girl. And now you're much bigger than I am, so I was just-”

I see Kara’s smile falter. I'm already seething, but seeing her reaction causes something to boil over inside of me.

 I pound my fist on the table and yell, “Dad. Just…SHUT UP !”

I feel a little bit of embarrassment at my outburst in front of Kara, but it’s drowned out by the boiling rage.

My dad does what he usually does when I blow up at him. He looks at me like he wants to say something, but he doesn't. Then he shakes his head, and sighs, “I'll…go to my office.”

After he leaves, I notice Kara looking at me like she wants to say something.

I sigh as I pick at my food, which no longer tastes nearly as good, “Have something to say?”

She shakes her head and looks down at her dinner plate with a worried expression.

I scoff, “Don't shake your head if you're going to keep making that face.”

She grimaces, “I'll…make a different face.”

Ugh. This is the second time today I've snapped at her when I was pissed at my dad. I'm SUCH a good friend. 

Yep, totally still a little shit. And she's still the sweet one.

I look down at my plate and sigh, “Sorry, Kay. I shouldn’t take it out on you.  I…was too mean to him too, wasn't I?”

Kara shrugs but I can see on her face that she agrees.

I was trying to keep him from saying something that would hurt her. At least, that's what I was telling myself. But I blow up at my dad all the time for little stuff. This was just the latest example. 

“Ugh, you're right . I'll go get him.”

Kara gives me a cute smile and a nod, which motivates me even more.

I get up and knock on my dad's door, and go into his office when he says I can come in.

“Everything okay with the food, Emily?”

I stand in front of him with my arms behind my back, “Y-yeah um…it's really, really good, actually. Spicy just how I like it. Thank you.”

He smiles softly, “You're very welcome.”

I bow my head slightly, “I-I'm sorry I snapped at you. Kara is…very sensitive about her size and…that's why I wanted you to stop talking about it. But I…could have handled it better. Please come back and eat with us.”

My dad smiles a little wider, “Okay. I will.”

I nod and leave his office and join Kara back at the table “He's coming back. Thanks for pointing out I was being a b-i-t-c-h.”

Kara shakes her head like she wants to deny it, and then takes a big gulp of water. I notice that all of her normally very pale skin is flushed and her eyes are watering. I see that she has only eaten about half an enchilada. Normally she eats insanely fast.

I put my hand over my mouth to hold a laugh in, “It's too spicy for you, isn't it?”

Kara shakes her head, but it isn't very convincing since she looks like a tomato. One that's on fire.

She must not want my dad to think she doesn't like his cooking. But she doesn't need to go so far. Not everyone is built for spicy food.

Just then my dad returns to the table and apparently he overheard us, “I'll go get some sour cream to help. I also made a few without the green chili just in case. I remembered you didn't like spicy when you were li-” My dad's eyes dart over to me and back to Kara in an instant,”...younger. Would you like to switch to those?”

Kara frowns, but then nods thankfully as my dad heads to the kitchen and takes the offending enchiladas away. I hand her my glass of water, which she downs in a big gulp.

“Thank…you.”

I laugh, “You're welcome, but say something next time before you start melting.”

My dad returns with the sour cream and a fresh place of enchiladas. After the sour cream and a couple of minutes, Kara's skin finally returns to the usual color.

After that, we have a nice meal together. Kara doesn't melt, and I'm not a b-i-t-c-h to my dad again.

I'm in my history class. Western Civilization I. I just took it because it was a required gen ed course, but I've been enjoying it. And the current lecture is kind of blowing my mind.

My professor is a tall, skinny man in his 50s with dusty brown hair. He has long, skinny legs and arms.  He gestures a bit wildly at times, and his suits, which only seem to come in shades of brown, are all pretty shabby. He looks like something of a cross between the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz and Ichabod Crane. 

Despite his whimsical appearance, he gives off an aura of intelligence. Most of all because he has this smooth, powerful baritone voice that I feel commands my attention. He just sounds like he knows everything .

I'd listen to him read a phone book. And I can tell most of my classmates agree, who are largely giving him their undivided attention, just like I am. And today, what he's talking about is way more interesting than the phonebook.

“That is to say…we don't actually know what caused the Late Bronze Age Collapse. We know something catastrophic did, otherwise all of these major cities and civilizations we have learned about so far wouldn't have disappeared or taken a major step back right around 1200 B.C.E. But they did. Every single one of them. All we have to go on are a few Egyptian sources referring to what they call the Sea Peoples, who the Egyptians defeated in 1175 B.C.E. But we don't know who they were or where they came from. We also don't know if they had anything to do with what happened to other early civilizations either, like the Minoans. Perhaps, if we ever manage to translate the Minoan language, we'll find some new information. But for now, we simply have to say that we don't know what caused the Late Bronze Age Collapse. But we do know it altered the course of history in a way few other events have.”

He looks at his watch, “Alright, that's all we have time for today. Next time, we'll take a look at the Greek Dark Ages that were brought on by this catastrophe. I'll see you all Wednesday.”

As everyone gets ready to head to their next class, I feel the urge to do something I haven't done before in all my years of schooling. I'm going to stay behind to talk to my teacher.

Once most people have cleared out, I approach him at the front of the class as he's gathering his own things.

“D-doctor Aines?”

He looks up from his bag, “Yes, Miss…Jimenez, right?”

I nod, “That's right. I just wanted to say…Today's lecture was crazy! Like…I didn't know there was so much we don't know. I thought history was kind of…settled. That history class was just…memorizing when all that stuff happened. But…you really opened my eyes.”

He chuckles, “Yes, there's much we still don't know. And even when it comes to more recent history. History is very far from settled. Otherwise there wouldn't be much need for historians. And I hope you'll see that there's a lot more to it than just a list of dates.”

I nod, “I think I'm already seeing that. Well…I look forward to learning more from you. Thank you, sir.”

He nods, “Have a good one Miss Jimenez.”

…

I'm waking up from a nice late afternoon nap. My long day of classes tired me out. Turns out focusing in class can take it out of you. Who knew?

As I become more awake, I notice that I feel someone next to me in the bed. It feels nice. Warm…and somehow safe. 

Wait…WHAT!?

Suddenly, I feel very afraid.

I open my eyes as wide as they will go.

I slowly sit up and move away from the person and very cautiously look to see who it is. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see someone with a familiar broad back and blonde hair laying on her side.

But…why did she get in bed with me?

I feel a weird mix of emotions rumbling around in my chest. I can't identify all of them, but anger and confusion are definitely in the mix.

Just as I’m trying to decide my next move, Kara starts to stir. She rolls on her back and half-opens her eyes and smiles at me. “Hey, Em.” She must notice the look on my face because she opens her eyes the rest of the way and sits up before asking, “Is…something wrong?”

“Why are you here? In my bed?”

“Well, I was coming over to study, remember? When I got here, you were asleep and…you just looked so cozy. It reminded me of napping together when we were little. I couldn’t resist.”  

I look away from her and massage the back of my neck, “Okay, well. I…don't know how I feel about this. We aren't little kids anymore, Kay.”

She frowns and looks more than a little hurt, but also confused. “I’m sorry. You…didn't like it?”

“Waking up with you in the bed was scary when I didn't expect it. I wasn't sure who you were at first.”

She puts a hand to her forehead, “Yeah, I didn't think of that. I’m so sorry, Em. I messed up. I didn't want to scare you.”

“It's…okay. I know you didn't want to scare me. I'm…having a hard time understanding why you thought it was a good idea, though.”

She shrugs her broad shoulders, “I needed a nap too. A-and I just got next to you and was very comfortable so I just went with it. I…thought it felt nice.” She bows her head with a solemn look on her face, “I…won’t do it again, though.”

She's taking this so hard. She wants to nap with me that much? That's kind of cute, I guess. She really is still like a little girl sometimes.

Ugh, I kind of liked it too before I got scared. And the idea of napping with her does sound oddly appealing.

I guess I'm still like a little girl too. At least with her.

I sigh, “Well…maybe we can try it again some time. But…let's both be aware of it if we do, okay?”

She smiles so wide at me I have to look away. Apparently my words really lifted her spirits.

 “Okay!”

I nod and get up off of the bed with a stretch, “For now though…let’s go to the library and study. No naps allowed in there!”

…

I just got back to my dorm room after studying with Kara. As I'm getting ready to take a shower, my phone starts to vibrate on my bed.

When I look, I'm surprised to see my ex-boyfriend's name flashing on the display. We haven't spoken since we broke up more than a month ago.

I don't hate the guy. And I figured we would talk again at some point. But still, he’s my ex. Do I really want to talk to him?

I consider not answering, but curiosity gets the better of me before I let it go to voicemail. I sit down on my bed and flip my phone open.

“Uh…hey, Derek.”

“Hey Emily, how are you?”

He sounds a little…off.

“I'm doing okay. You? How's college?”

“It's good, listen I wanted to ask you something.”

“Um…okay, I'm listening.”

“I was just…wondering if you'd send me a picture.”

“Um…huh? A picture? Of what?”

“Of you.”

“Why would I do that? That's weird.”

“Well…more specifically, I want um…a nude.”

I'm so surprised by his request that I'm silent for several seconds. Once it sinks in, my blood starts to boil.

“What the hell kind of question is that? It's not like I ever let you see that when we were together! Why the fuck would I let you see it now!?”

He quietly responds, “Because…I miss you.”

I sigh, “What kind of sense does that make? And you sound weird. Asking for this kind of thing is pretty out of character too. What's going on?”

“I'm…a little drunk. Sorry.”

I scoff loudly, “Just what the daughter of an alcoholic wants to hear. I'm hanging up now.”

“WAIT…wait!  Emily…”

He sounds so desperate I can't help but give in. I respond with a loud sigh to let him know I didn't hang up.

He’s quiet for a moment and then he sounds like his usual self, instead of a drunk frat boy. I guess he pulled himself together.

“Do you…still want to try? Long distance?”

I sigh, “No, I don't.”

“Is it because of the picture thing?”

I laugh wryly, “That certainly didn’t help your standing, but no, that's not why. I don’t think we work as a couple. I realized that, in the time since we broke up.”

“Oh. You have a new boyfriend you like more, don’t you? I’m so stupid…I shouldn’t have-

I interrupt him, “What!? No. That’s not what’s happening here. I don’t even really have any guy friends here so far.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“I mean…we were together for a year and never said ‘I love you.’ We were together a year and…I never felt comfortable going past kissing. And it was very sweet of you to be so patient. That was one of my favorite things about you. But…I think I should have wanted to do more if we were right for each other.”

He sounds absolutely crushed when he replies,“Oh.”

I also want to say that I never opened up to him emotionally. Not all the way. He knows my mom is an alcoholic, but not the rest.

But he already sounds pretty sad, so I'll leave that out.

“I'm sorry.”

He sighs, “But…I really like you, Emily. You're the coolest girl I know, and prettiest too.”

Ugh. He dumped ME and now he has ME feeling bad. Although…since he wants me back, I guess I AM sort of dumping him now.

“Th-thank you. I like you too. But…as a friend. I think that's what we're supposed to be. Don’t you feel like there’s something missing between us for us to be a couple? You wouldn’t have dumped me otherwise, right?”

He sighs, “I…guess. Yeah. Maybe…that spark was missing.”

“Exactly. I guess that's what I'm saying, too.”

 “Well…friends it is then.” He sighs, “Sorry for being a perv at the beginning of this talk.”

“You should be. Don’t do it again, or we won't be friends either.”

“I won't. But…will we really still be friends, or are you just saying that?”

“We'll really be friends. We were for like two years before we dated, remember?”

He sighs, “Well sure, but I was secretly into you that whole time.”

“...are you saying you don't want to be friends if there's zero chance of you sleeping with me?”

“What!? No.” He sighs in frustration, “Maybe talking about this when I'm drunk is a bad idea.”

“Probably. But I'll be patient. What did you mean?”

“Just…it would suck if we weren't friends at least.”

“Well, we will be. I value you as a person, just…not as a boyfriend.”

He groans, “The first part was so nice. Did you have to say the second part? I get it, okay? We aren't getting back together.”

I laugh, “Sorry. Anyway, you should probably go sleep it off. We can talk more about it when you're not drunk.”

“Yeah, you're right.”

After we say goodbye and we hang up, I stare at my phone, feeling oddly energized and happy.

I'm not sure why I feel this way.

I guess it was kind of nice getting the last say about things.

Chapter Text

“Well…I have to get up early, so I should get going.”

I nod and see Kara to the door of my dorm room with a smile.

We were supposed to be working on our comp papers together, but it just turned into us watching Space Jam . It's a movie we liked as kids that is extra fun to watch now because of the basketball connection. She even used it to teach me a little about basketball - like pointing out the tall blue alien plays Center.

It was fun, but I think my slacker ways might be rubbing off on Kara. Woops.

As she leaves, she runs into my neighbor, a girl named Ella. We share an adjoined bathroom and we've chatted a few times. She seems alright, if a little stuck up. 

She has the air of someone who is well aware that she is really attractive. And to be fair, she is. She has long lustrous blonde hair, pretty blue eyes, high cheekbones, and is somehow busty and small-waisted at the same time. She spends a lot of time on her appearance too, judging from her makeup and the volume she achieves with her hair.

Our conversations always devolve into talking about clothes and makeup which I like to talk about, but there are other subjects!

The two of them exchange an awkward acknowledgement, and then Ella comes over to me at my door as Kara continues down the hall. 

She quietly says, “Emily…be careful .”

I am baffled by her warning, “Um…huh?”

She looks down each side of the hall and whispers, “I went to high school with her and she's…ya know.”

I raise an eyebrow at her, “I don't think I do know.”

She sighs and flips her hair, “She's an athlete. She has short hair. Dresses like a guy. Connect the dots, Emily.”

It takes me a moment, but then I realize what she's getting at.

“Ohhh . She's gay?”

My acquaintance nods, seemingly relieved that I figured it out without her having to say it.

As I start weighing this information in my head, I realize the way Ella brought it up is pretty fucked up. And I'm not the type to keep quiet about that.

“Wait. Why does that matter? Why do I need to be careful ?”

She shakes her head, and looks at me like I'm the dumbest person in the world.

“Poor innocent lamb. Because she's trying to sleep with you.”

I feel my face flush at these words, at first out of embarrassment, but then I feel my face get hot with anger.

“I can tell you grew up in this shitty town with that kind of backwards thinking. Are you constantly trying to sleep with every guy you're friends with?”

I can tell she wasn't expecting me to respond this way. She's very flustered, but manages to say, “I…well…no.”

“Okay, then shut up . Besides, how do you know I'm not gay? How do you know she’s not my girlfriend? How do you know we're not already sleeping together?”

Her eyes get wide for a moment, but then she shakes her head, “I can just tell . You're too girly.”

God, I almost wish Kara and I WERE sleeping together just to prove this bitch wrong.

“Just…be on the lookout. That's all I'm saying.”

I roll my eyes, “For what exactly?  Let's say she does like me that way. The worst that will happen is she'll ask me out and I'll say no. I know she's big and maybe that scares you, but she's sweet and gentle. She isn't going to pin me down and have her way with me if I reject her.”

She scoffs right back and crosses her arms, “ Look . I'm just trying to do you a favor, as a friend. If you don't want to listen to me, that's fine , but don't come crying to me when-”

“She respectfully asks me out? She's my best friend. I don't care if she's gay or straight or anything else.”

She opens her mouth to say something in response, but I don't let her. I know she isn't going to say anything worth my time.

I put on a faux cheery voice, “Oh, and FYI, we’re not friends. So just keep your stupid fucking thoughts to yourself next time, kay?”

I give her an over the top smile and then slam the door in her face. I hear her door slam right after mine.

I sit down on my bed and try to quell my seething anger by closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. 

Well, glad THAT conversation is over. 

She's definitely not a reliable source on this. It sounds like she's basing it entirely on her appearance instead of…you know, her ACTUALLY dating girls in high school. 

Plus, if she doesn't know Kara well enough to know she would never hurt someone, she doesn't know her well enough to know whether she's gay or not.

…

It's midnight. I'm lying in bed. I can't sleep.

I'd like to say that Ella's ignorant words didn't affect me. It makes me kind of sick to think that I let her do this to me.

But I can't stop rethinking everything between Kara and I. 

Maybe she is gay. She did look at me funny when I brought up guys on our shopping trip. And she jokes about my boobs all the time.

And then there's how physical our friendship is. We hold hands and hug way more than most friends our age. And then there was the whole thing where she got in my bed when I was asleep.

I shake my head at myself.

I initiate that stuff just as often as she does. It was even my idea last time we took a nap together. It’s just because we were friends when we were little. It feels nice to hold her hand, or nap together, but it doesn't mean it's romantic.

I was telling Ella the truth. I don't care if Kara's gay. That's not something that would bother me in the least. I think gay people should be able to get married and have the same rights as everyone else. It pisses me off that they can't. 

And I certainly don't think I'm in any sort of danger like Ella does. 

But…she did plant this idea in my head. And just the possibility that Kara is gay worries me for one reason - I really don't want to hurt her again. 

I know that even if she is gay, it doesn't automatically mean she likes me. But I still can't stop worrying.

Should I ask her if she's gay? Would that be okay? 

I sigh.

Definitely not. If she isn't, she might be offended that I'm stereotyping her. And if she is, the ball's in her court. I shouldn’t be the one to make her tell me. She'll share it with me when she's ready.

In this crappy state filled with crappy people like Ella, I imagine the number of openly gay people is pretty low. So it's probably a pretty important thing to keep secret.

But…what do I do if she actually does like me?  

There's one thought that keeps rising to the top. And it's the one most keeping me awake.

If I hurt her again, I'll never forgive myself.

“I can't believe this place is still here. It even looks the same.”

Kay laughs, “Yep. This town hasn't changed a whole lot, to be honest.”

Kay and I are at a snow cone stand in a strip mall parking lot. Apparently, it's the last day of snow cone season. It's early September and there's already a bit of chill in the air. I can see why people wouldn't want a cold treat for much longer.

The stand is doing a student special, buy one get one free. I guess they need to get rid of their stock.

Unfortunately, that means there's a long line.

“It's cool you guys know the town so well.”

Oh yeah, her friend Jazmin is here too. They're on the basketball team together. This is my first time meeting her. She has caramel-colored eyes and long dark hair that she keeps in a ponytail. Like Kara, she's dressed in her extremely casual university athletic apparel. There's nothing wrong with that of course, but because I tend to wear dresses, I often feel overdressed around Kara. Now that Jazmin is here too, it feels even more pronounced.

As expected of a basketball player Jazmin's fit and tall, but not nearly as tall or muscular as Kara. She's probably only six inches taller than me. Which would normally be a lot, but not with Kara around.

She's also the only other Latina I've seen at this school so far, which is kind of refreshing.

I laugh, “Yeah, you jealous we grew up in this beautiful bustling metropolis?”

She shrugs, “Kind of. Being in a brand new place is a little scary.”

Shit. I didn't mean to make her feel bad. I'm having a hard time adjusting to life here. I should have known she is too.

Kara pats her on the back and smiles down at her, “Well, before long, it'll feel like home.”

Jazmin smiles back, “Yeah. I hope so.”

I find myself smiling at the exchange.

Well, it's no surprise someone as sweet as Kara is taking it upon herself to make her teammates more comfortable.

After their little moment has passed and we take another step forward in line, I look up at my extremely tall best friend and ask “Do you still get tiger blood?”

She laughs, “Yep. I've never tried anything else.”

“What even is tiger blood anyway? I mean, as a flavor. And why do they call it that?”

She shrugs, “I got it because it sounded cool when I was 4. It tastes…kind of fruity I guess?”

I laugh, “Wait, wait, wait. You've been getting it for like…14 years and you don't even know what it tastes like?”

Kara shrugs, “Guess not.”

To my surprise, Jazmin laughs, “You two are pretty cute.”

This causes me to panic. 

I'm still worried Kara might like me. I haven't seen anything to prove or disprove it since I started worrying about it a week ago.

Does this mean Jazmin thinks she likes me? Or that she thinks we're a couple?

I defensively cross my arms and try to disguise my panic, “C-cute?”

She smiles, “Well, yeah. You just know each other so well. I'm enjoying the banter.”

I try to hide my sigh of relief.

We take a step forward in the line.

Kara asks, "Remember coming here like three times a week every summer?”

I smile, “Of course. We begged our parents all the time. It was fun.”

We take a step forward in the line.

Jazmin laughs, “Sounds like a lot of tiger's blood. What do you get, Emily?”

“I change it up. Early in the summer I get more summery flavors, like lemonade or lime. Now that it's feeling like Fall, I'll probably get something festive.”

Jazmin replies, “Ooo, that sounds pretty good. I might copy you.”

We take a step forward in line.

Kara asks, “What festive flavor are you thinking of getting?”

“I dunno. I can't see the sign.”

“I can see it.”

I laugh, “I guess you'd be able to, huh? You're the tallest person here. Umm…do they have candy apple? Or pumpkin?”

We take a step forward in line.

“Candy apple, yes. Pumpkin, no.”

I nod, “Candy apple it is.”

Jazmin nods, “Good call.”

Now we’re at the front of the line. We just put in our orders and the two high school students in the tiny stand are working frantically. I probably shouldn't bother them right now, but I have to know something.

I walk up to the window and ask, “Excuse me…what flavors make tiger blood?”

A baby-faced blonde boy who doesn't look like he’s shaved yet says “Um…strawberry, watermelon, and coconut,” just as he places our snow cones on the counter.

I give Kara a pointed look and she laughs, “Well…now I know.”

“Yep!”

“Um…that'll be $3.50.”

I reach Into my purse for my wallet, but before I can, Kay pulls hers out of her shorts and pays before handing me my snow cone with a big smile on her face. It's the smile she got when we got snow cones when we were little. It's pretty cute.

I smile back and say, “Thanks.”

We move out of the line and wait for Jazmin.

She laughs, “For what? Yours was free after all.”

“Well, yeah. But you could have been the free one. Also, we left her having to pay for hers.”

Kara laughs and looks back at the stand, where Jazmin is being handed her snow cone, “Woops.”

Once Jazmin joins us, we sit down at one of the cheap plastic tables set up next to the stand. We managed to find one that is only moderately sticky, which feels like quite the achievement.

I start to dig into my snow cone. I enjoy the feeling of the cold ice melting in my mouth, combined with the tanginess of the artificial apple and the smooth sweetness of the artificial caramel while my two companions chat about something basketball related. They keep saying ‘pick and roll,’ I try to figure out what that might be before giving up.

When their conversation is over, I realize I'm being rude by not participating at all. So I ask Jazmin, “So, I know you said it's a little scary…but are you enjoying it here overall?”

She doesn't respond immediately as she is now the one eating her snow cone with gusto. She does eventually respond after a bashful laugh, “Sorry. I was in the zone. It was just me and the snowball for a minute there.”

I laugh, “I was doing the same thing just a second ago.”

Kara looks at Jazmin in confusion, “Snow…ball?”

“Yeah. That's what we call them back home in Maryland. Sorry, I'll speak the local language from now on.”

Kara chuckles.

“We call it shaved ice in Massachusetts. But I think it's actually a little different.” I move my spoon around and scoop up some coarse looking ice and then drop it back into the cup. “The ice is finer with shaved ice.”

Jazmin nods and studies her snowcone, “Hmm…yeah, I think snowballs use finer ice too, now that you mention it. Back home you can get marshmallow cream with them too.” She laughs and smiles broadly, “Actually, my girlfriend and I-”

Her eyes get wide and she stops what she's saying. A look of panic starts to emerge on her features.

“I-I just meant my friend who is a girl.”

Kara immediately says, “There's nothing wrong with having a girlfriend. If that's what you meant.”

Kara looks at me, and I can't meet her gaze. But I nod in agreement with my friend.

Then Jazmin's eyes get wide and she looks from me to Kara and then makes a face like suddenly everything makes sense, “Ohhhhh. You two are-”

“O-of course not!”

I feel my cheeks flush from my outburst, while Jazmin blinks several times and Kara blushes and looks very uncomfortable herself.

I clear my throat, “S-sorry. I just mean we're really good friends, is all!”

After Kara nods in agreement, I watch her to see how she is responding to all of this. She looks relieved the conversation about us dating is over.

Is she relieved because the idea of us dating made her uncomfortable? Or because she likes me and doesn't want me to know?

Ugh, I really can't read her when it comes to this.

Jazmin laughs, “Oh. Okay.” She whispers, “I just thought maybe you were, because I don't think most people from here are okay with it.”

Well, if Ella is representative of people here, she might be right.

Kara nods, “I think…some people here are like that around here. But…this town is more liberal than most of the state because of the university.”

I nod with Kara and look at Jazmin, “So did you mean girlfriend?”

She looks around, almost like she's worried someone is listening, and gives a small nod, “I was gonna say…our first date was getting snowballs.”

I smile, “That's nice. She didn't come here with you, I take it?”

She frowns and shakes her head, “She's back home. That's…a big part of why I'm struggling here. I miss her. A lot.” She smiles at Kara, “Which is apparently so obvious that the team captain invited me to come out for a snow cone.”

I poke Kara in the arm, “You're the captain?! You didn't tell me that.”

Kara laughs, “I'm one of two, yeah.”

“Still, that's a big deal!”

Kara shrugs bashfully, which is really freaking cute.

Jazmin nods, “It really is. Especially for a freshman.” She looks at Kara, “And…thanks for inviting me out, really. I've just been moping in my room. Some socializing actually feels…really good.”

Kara smiles, “I’m glad. Em and I hang out all the time, you're welcome to join us when you want.”

I get a funny feeling in my stomach when I hear Kara's invitation. A negative feeling. Like I don't want Jazmin hanging out with us all the time. 

Why do I feel this way?

I think it's…jealousy? I've been liking our alone time. But truth to be told, I've isolated myself here too. I only spend time with Kara. Adding someone else to the mix is probably a good idea for me too. And Jazmin seems nice enough. 

Kay might be killing two birds with one stone.  

Jazmin smiles, “Thanks I think I probably will join you guys sometimes. You're both really cool and…not weird about my um…” She trails off and then whispers, “...girlfriend. So I feel…like I can be myself. Which is great.”

I try my best to push aside the childish jealousy I'm feeling. I smile, “You’re cool too. It'd be great to see more of you, Jazmin.”

She smiles, “You can just call me J.J. My last name's Juarez, so that's what everyone on the team calls me.”

I look at Kara who gives me a wink.

Yeah, yeah. I get it, Kay. She has a letter name too. She can hang out with us, sure. But I'm not sure if I want there to be more than two Alphabet Girls…

Chapter Text

“Is it always this cold in September?” a shivering J.J. asks as she hugs herself in a short-sleeve shirt.

It's probably about 50 degrees, but the sun's down and it's windy so it feels much colder. And we've been outside for about 10 minutes. I guess she reached her limit.

I reply, “Not always…but it can be. You didn't bring anything warmer?”

She shakes her head grimly. 

I take my beanie off and hand it to J.J., who eagerly puts it on with a thank you. Then she looks at me with some concern.

“You won't be cold?”

I pull the hood on my coat up, “Nope.”

As she looks relieved, Kay rubs her back in an attempt to warm her up, “Well…we won't have to be out here too much longer.”

Kay, J.J. and I are in a line outside the local movie theatre. Once a month there's a free movie for students. As long as you're in the first 150 in line, you get in free. The doors open in about 10 more minutes.

I sigh, “I still can't believe they check our bags. We're students! Let us sneak some candy in at least.”

Kay laughs, “If they didn't check at all people would sneak in alcohol.”

I grimace and then groan, “God, you're right. I forget most people our age just look for any excuse to drink.”

J.J. laughs, “I'd drink right now. It'd warm me up at least.” Kay and I don't respond and J.J. looks at each of us in turn, “Neither of you drink?”

Kay shakes her head, looking very much like a shy little girl who would never do something so naughty.

I start to feel awkward about the subject, because I really don't want to explain why I don't drink to J.J.  So I shake my head silently.

J.J. smiles, “Such good girls. I do it…more than I should. You'll be a good influence on me.”

Not long after that, Kay and J.J. slip into talking about basketball. This happens pretty often. And it makes me feel kind of jealous and left out, since I don't even understand the topic.

“Pretty soon you'll be better than Peyton at running the pick and roll with me, I'm telling you.”

J.J. sighs, “I'm not so sure. I feel like my reaction time is too slow. She's better at reading defenders too. I-”

The pick and roll thing again too!? I can’t take this anymore.

I interrupt, “What's ‘pick and roll?”

J.J. looks at me with her mouth hanging open and Kay laughs.

I feel my cheeks flush, “S-sorry. I interrupted. I just hear you two talk about it a lot so I want to know.”

J.J. looks at Kay, who laughs and replies, “Don't look at me. You're the Point Guard. You tell her.”

J.J. scratches her cheek and sighs, “Do you like…know anything about basketball?”

At first I feel offended by her assumption that I don't know anything. But then I realize her assumption is spot on.

I frown and look at my feet, “I know what a Center does. And…the most basic stuff.”

J.J. nods, “Okay…um…I can work with that. Well, I play Point Guard which means I have the ball the most, and pass it to the other girls when they have a good shot. If I have the best shot, I shoot it myself.”

I nod, “Okay. So if Kara is open, you give it to her?”

Kay smiles proudly and J.J. nods, “Exactly.” She thinks for a moment while fiddling with the beanie I lent her, “A pick and roll is a play where Kara sets a screen and-”

Kay interrupts, “That basically means, I get in the way of another player trying to guard J.J. Put this big body of mine to good use.”

J.J. nods, “Then after making the space, Kara moves or ‘rolls’ towards the basket. It makes the defender pick which of us to guard, and then I can make the choice to give it to Kara or keep it based on what they do.”

I nod slowly as I absorb this information and try to picture my two friends on the court, “So basically…it guarantees one of you isn't defended?”

Kay claps her hands and giggles, making me feel good about myself.

J.J. chuckles at her reaction, “Yep, pretty much. It all happens really fast. Way faster than it takes to explain it. That's what makes it hard on the defender, but it makes it hard on me too.”

I nod, “Okay…I think I…kind of get it at least. I'll have to see it to really get it. But…thank you for explaining. I can at least…kind of understand when you talk about it now.”

We hear the front door open up, and the line starts to move, prompting a relieved sigh out of J.J.

Once we're inside the warm lobby, I make a bee-line for the concessions, but notice my friends aren't following me. I turn around and ask, “You don't want anything?”

They both look at me like I'm ridiculous, but I roll my eyes and head to the concessions.

When I return with a smile on my face, as well as a large Diet Coke, a large popcorn and a box of Hot Tamales, J.J. laughs, “Well, you might be a good influence when it comes to drinking. I'm not so sure about your eating or spending habits though.”

I scoff, “Whatever. It was 50% off for students!”

Of course, I still overpaid in a big way, but I'm not mentioning that.

I pout, “And…maybe it's not the healthiest, but I'm not an athlete, and I can't see a movie in a theater without these treats.” I look at Kay, “I seem to remember sharing lots of popcorn with you back in the day.”

She shrugs, “For me it has more to do with the prices.”

After the two finish teasing me for my movie eating habits, we head into our theatre. Almost immediately after I sit down between them, their much larger hands start digging into my popcorn. I should be mad, but mostly it just makes me smile.

…

“Was…that as awful as I thought it was? Or am I just really gay?”

I laugh as the three of us get into my dad's car, which he let us borrow for the night. Once I’m settled in the driver's seat and the other two girls are seated I ask, “What does being gay have to do with how bad that movie was?”

The movie we saw was called The Covenant and was about four guys who are witches or…warlocks or…something? And they had to fight each other. And as J.J. just noted, it was awful.

As I start the car she replies, “I dunno, I bet if I were attracted to dudes those guys might have done something for me. They didn't do anything for you two either, huh?”

I shrug, “They were cute, I guess. But everything about the movie was awful. Writing, acting, plot, special effects. Made it hard to care about any of the characters or how cute they are. That movie was free and I still feel like I overpaid.”

My two companions laugh and then J.J. says “What about you, Kara? Any of those guys do it for you?”

I find myself watching Kay, who is in the passenger seat, out of the corner of my eye.

Kay looks flustered and surprised to have this question thrust upon her, “U-um…it's like what Em said. They are cute, but the movie still sucked.”

J.J. nods, “Fair enough. Hopefully we don't get only the crappy movies on the rest of the free movie nights, huh?”

I laugh, “Hopefully. It was still pretty fun despite the bad movie, though. I know you both enjoyed your popcorn and Hot Tamales.”

As my two friends laugh and agree that it was a good time in spite of the bad movie, I spend the rest of the drive silently driving as I think about the conversation we just had about cute guys.

Kay was flustered by the basic question and copped out by using my answer. That might be the biggest sign so far that she IS gay.

But…why wouldn't she have told J.J.?

I'm so confused.

We're in the treehouse and Kay is sitting on the floor and crying. I'm sitting next to her and doing my best to give her a nice warm snuggly hug, but no matter what I do, she won't stop. 

I'm starting to cry too.

Third grade starts tomorrow and we found out we have different teachers. It's hard because we've always been together. We are neighbors who have been best friends for as long as I can remember. We were together for kindergarten, first grade, and second grade. Everyone knows we're always together.

But now we won't be.

So this is new. And scary. Especially for Kay. She's shy and has a hard time without me.

She needs me to protect her from bullies and meanies. I yell at any one who is mean to her and they leave her alone. What will happen if she's on her own?

So, I'm scared of things being different too.

Now we're hugging each other tight and crying.

Eventually, she stops sobbing and is only sniffling, so I calm down too.

“Wh-what if you make new friends in your new class that you like more?” she asks.

I'm surprised by my best friend's question. 

“Is that what you're crying about?”

“S-some of it.”

I wipe my tears on my sleeve and put my hands on her shoulders, “That will never ever happen, Kay. We aren't just regular friends. You're special. You're my best friend forever!”

Kay smiles, “Y-you're special to me too.”

I hug her tight, “Good! We're bffs! Makes sense for the Alphabet Girls to use initials, after all!”

Kay giggles in my arms but then gets serious,“I-I'm gonna miss you, though.”

“I'll miss you too.” I get an idea that brings a smile to my face, “Let's always meet in the treehouse after school. That way, even when we don't see each other there, we can hang out here!”

Kay nods excitedly, her long blonde hair ruffling as she does. 

I hug her again, “And…if you ever want to cry during the day, just hold it in, and when we come to the treehouse I'll snuggle you and you can cry til you feel better, okay? Just like today.”

She nods, “O-okay. I think I can do it. If we still meet every day.”

I hug her a little tighter, “We can do anything together. I'll always be here for you, Kay. Nothing will ever stop that.”

…

I open my eyes as my alarm goes off and I sigh. I have a horrible feeling of guilt in my stomach. For a moment, I don't know why. But then I remember.

I had that dream again .

I've been having it regularly ever since I started to wonder if Kay has feelings for me.

Well, ‘dream’ may not be exactly right. I'm 99% sure it's a memory. One I keep remembering because it reminds me of how horrible I was to her in the past.

8 weeks after we started third grade, I broke that promise. She probably cried and cried and cried, and I wasn't there to hold her like I said.

It's something I'm getting more and more afraid that I'm going to do again. I can't break her heart.

So I have to know whether or not Kay is gay. If I found out she isn't I would be so relieved since I would know she doesn't have feelings for me. And if I found out she is, at least then I'll know what I'm dealing with. I can't handle the uncertainty. It's even plaguing me in my sleep, after all.

 But I'm still not sure how to find out.

Chapter Text

Kay, J.J. and I are hanging out in Kay's dorm room. It’s pretty late in the evening, but I haven’t seen these two very much this week, so I'm taking advantage of the time I do have with them. They’ve been even busier with basketball than usual.

It's given me some time to think about stuff with Kay, and I ultimately decided I'm just going to keep on living my life as normal. If she does like me, she'll tell me one day. And I'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. Worrying about it constantly doesn't do any good.

When the three of us hang out, it’s usually in Kay’s room. While my room was suggested once, I managed to deflect the issue by pointing out Kay and J.J. 's rooms are bigger and nicer since they live in the recently constructed athletic dorms.

Of course, the real reason I don’t want the three of us hanging out in my room is because I think of that as the new ‘Alphabet Girls’ headquarters, and to me that means it’s only a place for Kay and I to spend time together.

Yeah, it’s definitely childish. But I have very strong feelings about the issue. 

It’s not that I don’t like J.J. I definitely do. I think of her as a good friend. But I sometimes feel like she’s getting in the way of Kay and I having some alone time together. Like, right now J.J. is sitting next to her on the bed and there’s no room for me, so I’m sitting in the desk chair on the other side of the room. I should be the one on the bed next to Kay! I’ve known her longer. She’s MY best friend! And J.J. sees her at practice all the time! I've barely seen her this week. I want a turn!

Ugh, more childish thoughts. What’s wrong with me? I guess it’s just another childhood friend thing. It was always the two of us back then. But still, I didn’t know I would be this possessive. I need to work on that. At least I’m self-aware.

Just as I’m bemoaning my immature way of thinking about my friendship with these two girls, Kay says something that catches my attention.

“We’ve been practicing extra because we have our first game next week. Well, sort of.”

I laugh, “What does ‘sort of’ mean?”

J.J. replies, “Well, it's a scrimmage, so it isn’t an official game. Just sort of an exhibition to give both teams some practice before the real season starts next month.”

Kay nods, “Yeah, so that’s what I mean by ‘sort of.’ It’s just for fun, basically.”

J.J. crosses her arms and sighs, “ Plus , it’s against a team we have no hope of beating.”

Kay scoffs and looks more annoyed than I've ever seen her. She gives J.J. a light shove and says, “Don't say that !”

Feeling a strong desire to side with Kay here I say, “Yeah, why wouldn't you be able to beat them?”

J.J. looks at Kay and then at me, “Well, there's some chance, I guess. But it's a scrimmage because they are on a whole ‘nother level from us. They are from a much bigger school with lots more money, which means they usually get the better players. They play in a league with other big state schools, and we play in a league with much smaller regional schools.”

I cross my arms in solidarity with Kay and confidently say (despite having no idea what I'm talking about), “Well I think you're going to win!”

Kay nods at me confidently, causing Jazmin to sigh “I guess it would be pretty cool if we did. But I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”

It’s the day of the scrimmage. I'm pretty excited to finally see Kay play, even if it isn't a real game. I'm meeting up with the two of them after the game, and I'm looking forward to being able to talk about basketball more than usual. I'm definitely going to keep my eyes open for that ‘pick and roll’ thing.

I just walked into the basketball arena and I’m pretty disappointed by what I see. There are maybe 20 people seated in an arena that can hold several thousand.

I know it’s a scrimmage or whatever. But don’t people want to see them play?

Of course, I guess I’m kind of a hypocrite. It's not like I’ve gone to any of the football games and I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for my friends.

As I try to decide where to sit from among the many empty seats, I see a familiar face in the sparsely populated arena. One I am surprised to see.

He’s sitting alone down near the court, which I was thinking I’d do anyway, so I could get a good view of my friends. I walk down the stairs and approach the man I recognize and say, “Can I sit here, sir?”

He looks up at me and raises his eyebrows and then smiles, “Sure, Ms. Jimenez.”

“Thank you, Dr. Aines.” I sit down next to him, making sure to leave a seat in between. It would be kind of weird if I insisted on sitting right next to him. I mean, I have talked to him after class a few times, but that doesn't seem like ‘sitting right next to one another' status. Especially with so many empty seats.

Once I get settled I ask, “Um…what are you doing here?”

I wince when I realize how rude that probably sounds.

He dryly responds, “I'm at a basketball game. At the university where I teach. Is it really that surprising?”

I feel my face flush out of embarrassment, “N-no. I guess not. But it's a scrimmage and not many people are here. You and I alone are like 10% of the audience. Do you really like basketball or something?”

He laughs, “I really, really do. All sports really. I played most of them in high school and I even played a bit of basketball when I was in college, but as a walk-on. I think I played for all of 9 minutes in 4 years.” He laughs.

I don’t know what a walk-on is. But it sounds like it means he was mostly a benchwarmer. Still, he was good enough to be on a university basketball team. I certainly didn’t expect that, although I suppose he IS tall.

Apparently I can't hide my surprise, because he sighs, “You thought all I ever do is study and teach ancient and medieval history, didn't you?”

I smile bashfully, “N-no I…well…um…kind of. I'm realizing how dumb that is now. It's not like all I do is go to your class.”

He laughs, “It's okay. I'm really going to shock you now, though. Are you ready?” He grins playfully and I nod.

“In addition to being a professor, I'm also the radio voice for both men and women's basketball for the university. I call all the games.”

“That…actually isn't too surprising.”

He laughs, “Really?”

“I mean, if you started with that it would have shocked me. But now that I know you like sports and played college basketball, it makes perfect sense. You definitely have a voice for radio. It's part of what makes your lectures so good.”

“Thank you. I'm glad you enjoy them. It is pretty unusual to be both a tenured professor and a sports announcer though. I think I’m the only one in the country.”

“Oh. Well, that’s pretty cool, then!” I notice he has a spiral notebook open in his lap, “So you're here to watch the team to get to know them?”

“That's right. Get used to their uniform numbers, observe how they play and so forth. Makes my job easier when I start calling the games.” He smiles at me,  “Now it's my turn. Why are you here?”

I do my best to copy the dry tone he used earlier, “I'm a university student. At a basketball game at the university where I study. Is it really that surprising?”

He grins from ear to ear, “I didn't know you were so snarky. You're so well-behaved in class.”

I laugh, “Can I get that in writing? My parents will be thrilled. Well…the well-behaved part. They won’t be surprised that you think I’m snarky.”

He laughs, “Sure. But it is true that I have an unusual reason for being here. What’s yours? Do you really like basketball?”

“I mean…not really, if I'm being honest. I'm a newbie. But I have two friends on the team. My best friend is the starting Center. And um…the other friend is the back-up Point Guard. So I have been learning.”

I hope I said those things right. 

His eyebrows shoot up and his eyes may as well have stars in them, “Ah, your best friend is Olson? She's supposed to be the best player on the team. Which is really something for a true freshman.”

I find myself smiling broadly at this news, “Really? That's great! What about um…Juarez?”

“I know less about her, mostly because she’s probably not going to start this year. McCulloh started there last year and played pretty well. But I’m interested to see her too, I’m sure she’ll play some today. I’ve heard she’s got particularly good ball handling skills and speed.”

“Oh um…cool. I haven’t actually seen them play yet myself, so I’m excited.”

He smiles, “Me too.”

…

The game just started. It was oddly thrilling seeing them announce the starting line up and seeing Kay out there in her uniform. I cheered as loud as I could and she looked my way and smiled.

Right now our team has the ball.

The other Point Guard – Peyton McCulloh, I think her name is – is in the game instead of J.J. I find myself watching her closely, mostly so I can see if I recognize the pick and roll from what they explained to me.

Peyton is standing outside of the three-point line with the ball, and she starts to move towards the basket. A defender moves towards her. That defender runs into Kara, and Peyton drives towards the basket and puts in.

I THINK that was the pick and roll. Kay didn’t get the ball, but she blocked the defender  with her body and the Point Guard decided to take the shot. I can see how effective it is, especially with how big Kay is. She can cut off defenders easily.

I wish it had been J.J., but I think I get it now. I’m sure Kay will get some points off of it too at some point, especially now that the defender is going to be worried about Peyton.

I realize I have an expert sitting next to me and ask, “That was pick and roll, right?”

Dr. Aines nods with a smile on his face, without pulling his eyes away from the court.

I guess he’s too focused to talk too much right now. But at least I got that right .

As the game continues, I'm shocked by Kara's demeanor on the court, which becomes increasingly intense. She's almost a different person. Her normally bright blue eyes have taken on a dull glint, and her ever present and welcoming smile has transformed into an intimidating scowl. 

Her muscular body, which I'm used to seeing fairly relaxed, now looks very tense. Almost like it's spring-loaded and getting ready to go off.

Just as I'm thinking this, I see it go off. It all happens in a flash, but it somehow also feels like slow motion.

The ball gets stolen from Peyton, and the player who took it is making a mad dash for the other basket. But the player with the ball doesn't know Kay is dashing after her.

How is she that fast when she's so big?

As the opposing player slows down to lay the ball up, Kay leaps in the air and slaps the ball away. The ball goes into the stands. The girl who was trying to make the shot is so surprised by Kay that she falls to the ground, hard.

When Kay’s feet hit the floor, she flexes and roars, without any concern for the girl on her back.

I start to feel very uncomfortable. Like I don't know this person who I thought I knew so well. 

Luckily, the girl's teammates help her up and she looks okay.

The rest of the game doesn't do anything to quell a growing feeling of discomfort. Kay continues to be aggressive and not be very concerned for the well-being of her opponents. There are several other plays where she overpowers them, and they end up on their back.

Most of the plays don't result in fouls or anything, so I guess she isn't being overly physical or violent, but I still don't like what I see.

This isn't the sweet, gentle Kay that I know.

I…I don't know if I like this side of her. And why has she been hiding it from me?

…

The scrimmage is over. Our team only lost by 4, and Kay (if that's who that really was) played really well. I didn't count, but on almost every play it seemed like she was scoring, blocking, taking care of a defender in a pick and roll, or getting a rebound. She was all over the place despite also being the biggest girl out there. It sure didn't look like she was from a smaller school. 

She was the single most dominant player in the game according to Dr. Aines, who spoke enthusiastically about her after the game.

I had a hard time enjoying it myself, though. I'm still too shocked about seeing what Kay is like when she plays basketball. 

Still, I go and wait outside the locker room like I told them I would. I find myself waiting for a while, and it gives me time to think.

I hate to say it, but if all Ella knew about Kay is how she is on the court, I can kind of understand her thinking she is a scary person. Of course, that doesn't make her any less of a bigot.

I shake my head at myself, annoyed that I am once again allowing my horrible neighbor to affect how I think about my best friend.

I just need to figure out who the real Kay is. Because right now I am shaken to my core.

...

J.J. comes out first with a small smile on her face, “Well…we didn't win, but we made them work for it. And that's enough for me.”

I nod silently in response.

She studies me for a moment, “Everything…okay? You look…out of sorts. Is it because we lost? Don't take it so hard. They are a Division I team. Losing to them by four as a DII team is a victory.”

I shake my head, “I-it's…not that.”

Jazmin looks confused. And then, lost in thought. But after another minute she asks, “Was that your first time seeing Xena?”

I give her an exasperated sigh, “I don't know what that is. Is that a basketball thing?”

She laughs, “Kind of, yeah. Was that your first time seeing Kara play?”

I nod.

“Ah, is that what’s got you rattled?”

I nod again.

She laughs, “I can understand that, then. Kara is like…a different person on the court. We call that side of her ‘Xena.’”

“Xena?”

“Yeah - you know, that show about an Amazon warrior woman from a few years back?”

“Ohh…that does sound vaguely familiar. So…Kay is like an Amazon warrior when she plays? I…can see how that fits. I-it was-”

“Kind of scary, right?”

“Y-yeah…I didn't even know she had that in her.”

Jazmin nods, “When I first met Kara it was off the court, and I was thinking ‘this girl is big and athletic, but there's no way a girl this sweet and timid can play Center.’ It’s a super physical position where you really have to go after people, you know?”

I nod.

“And then I played against her and saw how wrong I was. Got my shot blocked right into my face.” She flinches, probably remembering the incident, “It's a pretty intense contrast.”

“It is.” I exhale, “But she's only like that on the court?”

“Oh yeah. Once we were done with practice she was the one who kept getting me ice for my cheek, and she kept checking on me to make sure I was okay. So yeah, she's just a big teddy bear when we aren't playing. But you of all people know that, don't you? I hear you snuggle that teddy bear sometimes.”

I feel my face get hot and I look away, “Sh-she told you about that!?”

It was only once! Last time we took a nap together I woke up all snuggled into her. She wasn't awake yet, so I didn't think she knew. This…complicates things.

J.J. laughs, “Yep. She talks about you a lot actually.” I must look as uncomfortable as I feel because J.J. puts her hand on my shoulder.

I look up in response and she says, “Sorry. I shouldn’t give you a hard time right now. I can tell you're freaked out. The point here is…you know she's not like that off the court. So…don't worry.”

I give a relieved sigh, “You're right.” I look down and think for a moment, “This whole time I've been thinking she hasn't changed much since we were little. And who she is off the court hasn't really. But…the little girl I knew could never have been Xena.”

J.J. tilts her head, “Is that a bad thing?”

I shake my head and smile, “No. It isn't. Change can be good. I'm really happy she found basketball and is so good. But…I never ever want to play basketball against Xena.”

J.J. chuckles wryly, “Tell me about it. She's a starter and I'm a back-up, so I have to play against her a lot in practice.”

I pat her on the shoulder, “Good luck with that. I'll pray for you.”

J.J. cracks up laughing, which gets me laughing too. In the midst of our laughter, Kay comes out of the locker room. I'm relieved she looks like her usual self, and not ‘Xena.’

She looks uneasy as she adjusts the gym bag over her shoulder, “What are you two laughing about?”

J.J. just keeps laughing so I say, “Well, I met Xena today. And J.J. told me about the first time you blocked one of her shots.”

Kay’s face instantly flushes and she frowns at her teammate, “Wh-why did you have to tell her about those things!?”

Jazmin finally pulls herself out of the laughter and flatly says, “Dude, she just saw you play basketball like an absolute monster . Not like it's a secret you were different out there. All I told her was our nickname for you.”

Kay sighs and looks down at her feet and clasps her hands together behind her back.

I can tell she's feeling very worried about letting me see that part of her. And I was pretty freaked out for a bit, but she doesn't need to worry. J.J. talked me down.

Plus, any other doubts I have evaporate as soon as I see how cute and embarrassed she is about me seeing that side of her.

She's still the Kay I know and love. And she needs me to comfort her.

I lightly take her hand, and she looks up at me with a smile when I do, so I smile back at her, “Hey, Xena is really cool! It was amazing seeing you out there. You played great.”

She smiles a little wider, “Th-thanks. I wish we would have won…but it was really fun.”

As the three of us get ready to head back to the dorms I say, “Xena is cool, but don't bring her out when we play HORSE, okay? I don't think I would survive.”

She laughs, “I won't.”

J.J. adds, “Do you think you could dial her back a bit in practice, too?”

Kay claps her large hand on J.J.’s back and happily responds, “Nope!”

J.J. shrugs and looks at me, “It was worth a shot.”

Chapter Text

I'm eating dinner alone in the dining hall. Kay and J.J. are still really my only friends here. I think I still view a lot of people who go here with disdain, and it’s probably not entirely fair. Although the whole Ella situation didn’t exactly help me with my negative feelings about people in this shitty town.

J.J. and Kay are at a late practice. I waited things out as long as I could, hoping they'd get done in time to eat with me, but the dining hall was about to close, so I decided to eat before it did.

There’s not really anyone else here, so it's not quite as embarrassing that I’m eating alone.

Just as I'm thinking I should probably make some friends who aren't on the women's basketball team so I don’t end up in situations like this one, I hear a voice.

“Hey, you want company?”

I look up from my tray and see a guy holding his own tray. He’s got dark hair and bright green eyes. He's also well dressed, wearing slacks and a cardigan over a button down. He looks older too, probably an upperclassman.

I smile, “Sure.”

He smiles back and sits down a couple spots away from me. I appreciate that he doesn't just try to sit right next to me.

“Great. I’m Devin.”

“Emily.”

He nods, “Nice to meet you. You’re a freshman, I take it?”

I laugh, “Is it that obvious?”

“Well, not too obvious, except that I would have remembered a girl as cute as you, so I thought you must be new.”

I feel my face flush. It's kind of a lame line for sure, but I’d be lying if I said it isn’t nice to hear.

“Thanks.”

We talk as we finish our dinner. He is very polite and nice to talk to. We talk about the university and our classes for a while.

Near the end of our meal he asks, “Hey, what's your favorite movie?”

I think for a moment, “That's a tough one… The Princess Bride , maybe? It's definitely the movie I have watched the most.”

He smiles, “Seriously? That's mine too.” He puts on a Spanish accent, “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father – prepare to die.’”

I laugh, “That's pretty good. I can tell you have seen it a lot. Maybe even more than me.”

We head back to the dorms together and the whole time I’m thinking about asking for his phone number. But I realize that he'll think it means something romantic, so I don't. I really just want a friend. So I don't say anything. 

I eventually decide I should ask him his last name and add him on social media. That's less romantic sounding.

Just as I’m about to, he says, “Hey, what do you say we hang out in my room? I have some beer, and we can just relax and watch The Princess Bride. ”

“Oh…um, thank you. But I'm not comfortable with that. We just met.”

He smiles, “But we can get to know each other better if we hang out, right?”

“Uh…sure, but I'd like to do that somewhere other than your dorm room.”

He scoffs, “I don't understand why you're being like this. You were flirting with me non-stop a minute ago. And now you're rejecting me?”

“I…didn't mean to flirt or lead you on. I'm sorry, I-”

“Come on. Just one drink. Please?”

I start to get very flustered. I don’t want to be in a room alone with this guy I just met, and I definitely don’t want to drink. Not with him or any one else. Ever.

This combination of things makes my temper boil over, “I don't want to. I shouldn’t have to say it more than once. Just leave me alone .”

I try to increase the distance between us, but  then he grabs my wrist from behind and yanks me off of the sidewalk. He pushes me against the wall of the science building, and I feel my bare skin scrape against the bricks. My heart is pounding in my chest. I’m suddenly very afraid of this guy who I wanted to be friends with 5 minutes ago.

We’re out here alone. It's dark. There are bushes on either side of us. He has me cornered and won't let go of me. He’s already proven he is much bigger and stronger than me. 

“Come on , Emily. You liked talking to me at dinner didn't you?” He slides his fingers under the strap of my dress, “And you’re wearing this slutty little dress with so much cleavage. I see the kind of girl you are.  So stop being such a tease, and just go with it. You'll have a good time, I promise.”  

I try to be assertive but my voice comes out weak and afraid. I slap his hand away, “D-don't touch me! I d-don't want to go with you.”

I try to pull my wrist free, but I can't. His grip on my wrist tightens. It feels like a metal band is wrapped around it. Tears start welling up inside of me as I realize the situation is quickly becoming hopeless for me. “P-please…You're really hurting me. Please let go.”

He smiles, which makes my skin crawl, “I will, if you promise to come up to my room with me.”

I do my best to get my fear-infused brain to focus on a plan.

I think I’ll have to tell him I’ll go and then make a break for it when he lets go of me. I don't love my chances, though. He’s almost certainly faster than me. But I don't think there's another option. 

Just as I’m about to put my plan into motion, I hear a familiar voice, “Hey, what's going on over there?”

I’m very relieved to see a familiar large figure approaching us with an athletic bag over her shoulder.  In the dark, I can just make out her concerned facial expression.

Without looking at the owner of the voice, he confidently says, “We’re just talking, right Emily?”

I put all of my energy into my voice and yell, “No! He’s hurting me, Kay! And he won't let me g-”

He puts his hand over my mouth and scowls at me. He grips my wrist even more tightly, causing me to grunt in pain. It feels like if he squeezes any harder, my bones might break.

“Em!?”

I heard the sound of Kay's bag hitting the sidewalk. In a flash, she’s right behind him. I recognize the menacing look on her face, and her tense posture. This isn’t Kay right now. This is Xena.

I never thought I'd be glad to see Xena off of the basketball court.

In a frightening voice I’ve never heard before she says, “I’m going to count to three.”

He chuckles, “Listen, bitch…mind your own-” He stops mid-sentence as he turns toward Kay and sees her. Even without seeing his face, I can see the surprise in his body language as he has to crane his neck up to see Kara’s face. He finally lets go of my wrist, which aches badly where he was holding me.

“Want to say that again, to my face? Or is it too far up for you?”

“Bitch wasn't right. No way you're a girl.”

Kara gives a menacing laugh and brandishes her fist, “Whatever you need to tell yourself, little man. Are you going to make me start counting? Or are you going to get away from her?” She cracks her knuckles, “It’s up to you, really. I know I’ll be happy, whatever you decide.”

He scoffs and starts to make his retreat, but not before turning around, looking at me and saying, “Why get with a girl who looks like a guy, when you could just have the real thing?”

Then he leaves. 

I exhale and fall to my knees on the grass as soon as he is out of sight. It almost felt like I was holding my breath that entire time. Maybe I was.

I try to move my wrist and wince in pain.

Kay gets on her knees in front of me and puts her hand on my shoulder and bends over to study my face closely, “You, okay, Em?”

I find myself unable to respond to her question. I’m much better than I was before she came, but I’m also not okay. My wrist really hurts. And I think I have a scrape on my neck from the bricks.

But it’s not just the physical pain. That was by far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. And I was completely powerless.

Kay looks really concerned and hugs me which I am thankful for. It makes me feel very safe to have my head on her chest. That's what I need right now. More than anything.

Only now do I realize that I'm crying.

…

It’s all a blur, but I know Kay somehow got me up to my room. She got in my bed with me and held me while I cried for a very long time. Now that I am out of tears and thinking more clearly, I'm worried about her too.

“A-about what he said…about you looking like a guy.”

She laughs, “I get that all the time. Especially from little guys who feel emasculated. I don't care. And it really doesn’t matter right now.”

She thinks a guy who is 5 foot 9 is little. A guy who easily overpowered me. 

I roll over to face her, “You do care though. You're really self-conscious about your body. I’m sure it upset you.”

She frowns, “Yeah. It hurt a little. Even coming from a jerk like that. But it's nothing, okay? You were attacked . We need to call the campus police and report this. I know that sucks, but we need to get this guy. The sooner the better.”

I sort of want to bring up the fact that he assumed we were a lesbian couple too, but this is certainly not the time for that conversation.  

“Thank you so much, Kay. Thank you doesn't even cover it. I don't know what he would have done…I think you…literally saved me from…something much worse.”

A shadow pases over her face,“I am very glad we had a late practice tonight and I was there.”

“Me too. I need to be more careful.” I start to sniffle again, “Before he did that…we had dinner together in the dining hall. I thought he was nice . I was going to see if he wanted to be friends. I-I’m an idiot .” 

“You are not . You can't know everything about a person just from meeting them. But…it is true campus can be dangerous at night.”

I nod, “You hear people say that. But I didn't put much stock in it. I won’t make that mistake again.”

I nod and clasp my hands together, feeling resolved to get this guy off of campus “O-okay. Let's call the campus police.”

…

We just got done with the police report. Two officers came to my room and were very nice, given the situation. One of them was a woman, which made me feel much more comfortable.

It was hard, and I teared up a little. But I was surprisingly steady when recounting everything. Having Kay holding my hand (both literally and figuratively) certainly helped. I didn't know his last name, but because he was one of the last students to eat in the dining hall tonight, all they have to do is look to see who scanned their student ID tonight named Devin. And even if he lied about his name, I told them he was the last person to eat in the dining hall tonight, so they probably have everything they need. They said they thought they would find him tonight since he lives on campus, which is a relief.

My aching wrist already has an ugly hand shaped bruise and there's a scrape on my neck where my bare skin hit the brick wall when he pushed me. The officers took pictures of them, and had us show them where he attacked me and they took pictures there too. Both things made me feel weird, but I get why they did it.

They didn't think my wrist was something to go to the hospital for, but I'm supposed to go to the student health center first thing tomorrow to make sure it's okay. It does really hurt any time I move it.

Now that I'm done with talking to the police and back in my room, my steadiness is wavering. Especially because Kay is about to leave.

I hesitate for a second. 

If she likes me, this isn't a very fair thing to ask of her. But…I think I have to.

“Why don't you come and stay in my room tonight?”

I laugh, relieved, “I was just about to ask if I could.”

She smiles, “You'll feel safer there, right?”

I nod, “I know he doesn't know where I live and my door locks, but-”

Kay holds out her hand and I give her mine. She pulls me up to my feet effortlessly, “Hey, you don’t have to explain. Get your pajamas and we'll go have a little slumber party.” She grins, “Like old times.”

…

Kay and I are in her room and sharing the bed. It's a small dorm room bed, so we're shoulder to shoulder. The contact is very comforting.

When I was getting ready for bed and had that to focus on, I was doing okay. But now that we're in bed and everything's quiet, I can't help but ruminate and get upset.

And it isn't even about what happened tonight. Not exactly, anyway.

I start to cry and I squeeze out the words, “I'm sorry.”

She puts her arms around me and pulls me close, “Hey…that's okay, Em. You never have to apologize for being upset, especially on a night like tonight. Cry all you need to.” I hug her and rest my head on her shoulder as I continue to cry.

She’s been holding me while I cry all night. Just like I promised I would do for her when we were kids. But I broke my promise. She probably cried so many times without me there.

I force words out while my lip trembles, “Y-you're just…the b-best friend anyone could ask for. I knew that when we were little. I know it even m-more now. I missed out over the last 9 years. I don't deserve it, after ditching you. I don't d-deserve you…” I trail off and start to sob.

She hugs me tight in her strong arms and strokes my hair. She's starting to sniffle too. “Em, it's okay. Please don't cry about that, okay? That really doesn’t matter, especially right now. All that matters to me…is we're back together now.”

I nod to her, “You're right. I'm really happy you're here. And…not just tonight, when you saved me. In general.”

I would be at home if you weren't here. But that's way too embarrassing to say out loud.

“I’m happy too. I’ve never had another friend I felt as close with.”

“Yeah, me neither.” 

She gives me a little squeeze and a smile, “Good. Well, we should probably get some sleep. Goodnight, Em.” 

She lets me go and rolls over. I feel a sense of disappointment when she does. Which is embarrassing. But I had a hard night. I shouldn’t feel too bad for wanting someone to hold me right now. But I'm also definitely too embarrassed to tell her that.

Still, even if she isn’t holding me, I feel very safe and warm around Kay. Not just tonight, but always. And just…everything is better when she's around. I’m very lucky to have her as my best friend.

When I wake up the next morning, I'm embarrassed to find that I wrapped my good arm around Kay in the night. Well, ‘wrapped around’ isn't exactly accurate, my arms aren't long enough for that. But I clearly tried my hardest.

This happened once before, too. I guess I'm a sleep snuggler. She doesn't seem to mind.

The next thing I notice is that my wrist still really hurts. I release her from my grip and quietly get out of bed. My wrist has a purple ring around it, and moving it at all really hurts. Even more today.  I'm not sure how I didn't wake myself up in the night.

I find my phone, and see that I have a voice mail from the campus police.

I look over at Kay, and just as I'm considering waking her up, she sleepily opens her eyes and stretches. As usual, I'm sort of captivated by the way her muscles move when she does. Especially since I catch a glimpse of her bare midriff. I've never seen a woman with abs like that.

But it doesn't distract me quite as much as it usually does. Not with an important message waiting for me on my phone.

She sees me and looks concerned, “Morning. Everything okay?”

I guess I look scared. Makes sense, because I am.

“Um…yeah, but I was about to listen to a message from the police.”

Kay nods, sits up and pats on the bed next to her. I happily sit next to her.  She puts an arm over my shoulder and we listen to the voicemail together. It’s the female officer from last night.

“Miss Jimenez, we just wanted to update you on your case. We found the man who attacked you. He quickly confessed to everything and he's in custody. He'll go in front of a district judge today and at some point there will be a Title IX hearing.  Because he confessed, you shouldn't have to be involved any further. He's officially banned from the university, so even if he makes bail you won't be seeing him again. If you do, immediately call the police. Call us if you have any questions.”

The message ends and Kay and I smile at each other and share a celebratory hug.

“I'm glad they got that jerk.”

“Me too. I don't know what I would have done if they said they couldn't find him. Probably never leave your side.”

She laughs, “Well, I would happily be your bodyguard.”

“Yes, Xena was a very good one last night.”

She breaks the hug and laughs, “She did come out, didn't she? I don't think I've ever been that angry off of a basketball court. Or, maybe ever. For a moment, I saw red. I wanted to rip him off of you, throw him on the ground, and show him just how much of a beating a girl can give him.”

Part of me wishes I could have seen that…

I pat her on the shoulder, “It was a very good time for Xena, but I'm glad you kept her in check a little.  If he was beaten to a bloody pulp, you probably would have gotten in trouble too.”

She sighs and says, “Probably. Anyway, I guess you won't have to sleep here again.”

I frown and look down at my hurt wrist, not loving the idea of being alone in my dorm room tonight.

Just as I'm about to say something about that, Kay adds, “I mean…unless you still don't feel safe, of course. I wasn't saying that you aren't allowed to. Obviously you can stay with me whenever you want.”

I definitely still don't feel as safe as usual. I know this one guy is gone, but it's hard not to be afraid something similar could happen. And getting to stay with Kay is a pretty nice silver-lining.

I smile, “Well…maybe a few more nights, then.”

Chapter Text

I'm leaving the Student Health Center with Kay, who asked if she could come to my appointment. I’m not sure if she wanted to protect me on the way there or just be there for emotional support, but I was happy to have her along, either way.

Luckily there is nothing seriously wrong with my wrist. I have mild wrist tendinitis. It's ugly, and it hurts, but it will get better on its own. I'm supposed to ice it, elevate it, and take over the counter pain medication to help speed it along.

As soon as we're outside Kay grits her teeth and says, “I'm gonna find him and add ‘itis’ to all his tendons.”

I laugh wryly, “Okay, Xena.”

She sighs, “Sorry. I'm not normally so violent.”

“I know that. It means a lot that the situation upsets you so much. But please don't hurt anyone for my sake. Unless absolutely necessary.”

She takes a deep breath and exhales, “Yeah. You're right. By the way, does your dad know what happened?”

“No. I texted my mom about it, but I wasn't planning on telling him.”

Kay looks at me with sad little eyes.

“Ugh, you think he should know?”

She shrugs, “I-if you were my kid, I would want to know. I'd tell my parents.”

“ Yeah well…my relationship with my parents is quite a bit different.”

“I know that. I'll shut up.”

That's what she says, but she still has that sad look on her face. Like when I snapped at my dad when we had dinner with him a couple months ago, and she convinced me to talk to him. It was motivating then, and it’s motivating now.

I sigh dramatically, “ Fiiiine . I'll talk to him about it. You down for going over there for dinner again?” I chuckle, “I'll make sure he keeps the spice levels low this time.”

Kay and I are at my dad's for dinner. He's in the kitchen, making spaghetti I think, based on the garlic, tomatoes, and ground beef I'm smelling. It's a good choice if we don't want Kay to catch on fire. His spaghetti is pretty good, even if I prefer his Mexican cooking.

We just let ourselves in, but I'm about to go let him know we're here. 

Kay takes a seat in the living room, and I head to the kitchen. He's hard at work over the stove and humming to himself. I get the feeling that he really likes it when we come over for dinner. I guess he’s usually alone, so it makes sense. I feel my mouth start to water as I see my spaghetti theory was correct.

“Hey dad, we're here.” 

He turns around with a smile and I give him a wave. His face immediately gets very concerned. At first I don't know why. But then I realize I waved with my right hand. He sees the very ugly bruise on my wrist.

Well, shit. I wanted to save this for later. I guess it is getting a little better since I waved without thinking about it.  

My dad quickly comes over to me, “What happened?”

I find myself unable to tell him, “I-it um…I…” As I keep sputtering I raise my voice and say, “Kay, can you come in here?”

A few seconds later Kay is in the doorway to the kitchen. With her here, I feel far steadier.

I take a deep breath and look at the floor, “Th-this guy attacked me on campus a few nights ago. H-he's gone now. The campus police got him. This is the worst of it. Kay got there before…something worse.”

Suddenly, my father's face is red and he knits his brows. He looks angry. Beyond angry. He's probably mad at the asshole who-

“ Why are you only telling me about this now !?”

Oh. He's mad at…me. What a good dad I have.

I want to blow up at him, but a look at Kay calms me down a little, so I take a deep breath and try to explain myself.

I clench my fists to redirect my anger, ignoring the fact that it hurts my wrist to do so, “It's been…a busy few days and I wasn't sure how to tell you. Or if I should.”

He scoffs, “That's ridiculous . I'm your father , this is something you should tell me right away!”

I can't take this. I can't take his attitude, his tone, his stupid face. The actual words he's saying. Even with Kay here I’m not going to be able to control myself.

“So, do you have anything to say for yourself!?”

I cross my arms, “Yes, I sure do. I have two words to say, to be exact.” I pause and then I grit my teeth. I hold up one middle finger right in his face as I yell “ FUCK… ” Then I show him the other one, “YOU!” 

I turn around, “Come on, Kay. We're leaving.”

My dad just shakes his head and sighs in response. So I stomp off into the living room, but Kay doesn't follow me. When I turn around, she's still standing at the entrance of the kitchen facing my dad.

“Kay?”

She ignores me, and starts talking to my dad.

“I know what you're trying to say, Mr. Jimenez. That you wish she had told you sooner. That you care about her and want to know when she's hurt. That you would have helped.”

My dad nods and crosses his arms, “Exactly.”

“But that's not what you're saying. Instead, you're scolding her for being a victim.”

 I DO feel that way. I'm just too angry to articulate it beyond ‘Fuck you’ right now.

“But, that's not-”

Kay puts up a hand, and my dad stops talking, looking dumbfounded,  “You haven't tried to comfort her. You haven't expressed empathy for what happened to her. You haven't said you're here for her if she wants to talk about it. You've only told her what she did wrong. That was the first thing you did.” She crosses her arms and shakes her head, “I encouraged her to talk to you about this. Because I thought it would help. And you're making me look like a bad friend.”

My dad stands there in silence. I can't really read his expression.

I guess even Kay's more level-headed approach didn't get through to him.

After waiting a few seconds, Kay sighs and then turns toward me and gives me a nod. I nod back, feeling very satisfied with what she said to him.

As we walk toward the door, I hear my dad say, “ Mija, wait.”

Ugh, he only breaks out the ‘ Mija’ when he really wants me to listen to him. He has since I was a kid. And it still works.

I stop without turning around, “And why should I, exactly?”

He sighs, clearly frustrated, “Kara's right. I-I'm sorry. But-”

I interrupt him, “Apologies followed by ‘but’ are meaningless.”

Kay elbows me lightly, and gives me a look that encourages me to listen.

I sigh, “Go on.”

“I shouldn’t have said those things. I shouldn’t have started there. But I said them because I love you and I'm so upset this happened. And…that I wasn't there for you. I want to be, you know? And…and I never am. And when I get the chance, I never handle it right. I’m…sorry.”

He sounds so down on himself that I turn around. He's frowning and looking at the floor.

I laugh wryly, “Well. You're not wrong. You didn’t handle this right. At all .”

He laughs bitterly and shakes his head.

“I never handle anything right with you either, though. I just blow up at you all the time.”

I take a deep breath and look at Kay's encouraging smile to find the courage for what I want to say next.

“We're…broken. Me and you. That's why this always happens. And…I think we both know why we're broken.”

My dad nods, without saying anything. For a brief moment, he looks like he might cry. Something I’ve never seen in my entire life. But then his stoic expression returns.

I add, “I…want to talk about it all, some day. But I'm not ready yet.”

“Okay. Let me know when you are. In the meantime, will you please stay for dinner?”

I'm going to say no, but Kay gives me another encouraging smile, making me realize I should give him a chance.

It's like she's my conscience sometimes, I swear.

I sigh, “Fine. But only because it's spaghetti night.”

After that, we sit down for a nice dinner. After we eat, my dad asks to know more about what happened the other night, and he is much more supportive, and I can feel that he really cares about me, even if he was terrible at showing it earlier.

Well, that's two Jimenez family dinners that have been salvaged by Kay. I've talked more to my dad at those two dinners than I probably have in the last 5 years.

“You're planning on going to the game on Wednesday, right?”

Kay, J.J. and I are hanging out in Kay's room. I was pretty happy to get the spot on the bed with Kay this time, but J.J. squeezed herself onto the bed too. I was a little mad for a second, but the two of them started laughing and it was infectious. It is pretty funny for the three of us to be all scrunched together. And kind of cozy.

Ultimately we just decided to lay down, with me scrunched between the two much larger girls.

“Duh. I'm going to go to all of the games. The home ones, anyway. I'm the #1 Kay and J.J. fan”

J.J. laughs, “That's what I thought. Ashley is coming this weekend, would you mind sitting with her? And hanging out with her in general?” She laughs, “She wanted to come to the first game. But you'll probably see her more than I will because I'll be so busy.”

“Your girlfriend is coming!”

Kay laughs and hits me with a pillow, “Uh, yeah. That's what she just said.”

I scoff, “I know. That wasn't a question, it was an excited exclamation!” I look at J.J., “Anyway, yeah, I'd love to hang out with her and stuff.”

J.J. smiles, “Good. She's looking forward to meeting you too. Sorry for the late notice…she just decided to do it yesterday.”

“Aw, that's kind of sweet though. I bet you're desperate to see one another. It's been like 3 months, yeah?”

J.J. smiles, “Yeah. Even though we won't get to see each other a ton, the time we do have will be really nice. I'm excited to just…talk with her in person and stuff. Also…not having sex that whole time has been rough.” J.J sighs, “Please don’t tell her I said that. She already thinks I'm a horndog.”

I feel very embarrassed at the mention of sex. I'm sure my cheeks are bright red. I look over at Kay and see that her whole face is.

J.J. notices and rubs both of our heads, “Aw, you two are so cute. Virgins, huh?”

I nod and so does Kay. She looks even more uneasy than I feel.

“Man, you two are such good girls. Doesn't surprise me about Kara, but I'm a little surprised about you, Emily.”

“Wh-what does that mean?”

“Well, you had a boyfriend for a year. Most people our age have sex when they are together that long.”

“Ohhh. Yeah. He wanted to. I wasn't ready. I didn't love him. So we didn't.”

J.J. seems to think this over for a second before saying, “I see. Interesting.”

I look over at Kay, who looks like she's wishing she could disappear.

This topic really is uncomfortable for her. She really is a good girl. She doesn’t even like cursing, so I guess it makes sense she doesn't like talking about sex.

I change the subject for her sake, “A-anyway. I'll be a good ambassador for Ashley. She's an athlete too, right?”

“Yep. Soccer. Their season just ended, so she was excited that it meant she had the time to come here for a few days.”

A more comfortable-looking Kay asks, “She's at University of Maryland, right?”

J.J. nods proudly, “Yep, she got a full ride to play soccer. She's crazy good. Starting as a true freshman, kind of like you. Plays Center.”

“Center?” Kay asks with a confused face.

“Don't know anything about soccer, huh?”

Kay shakes her head, “The only sport I know is basketball. I kind of ignore the others.”

J.J. chuckles, “Figures. Well, Center is a position in soccer too. ‘Center Midfielder’ is the whole name. It just means she's in the middle of the formation. It's actually more like Point Guard. It's her job to pass the ball to the Forwards so they can shoot.”

I smile and poke J.J. in the arm playfully, “Aw, it's cute you two play a similar position. Is she super tall?”

“Not really. She's like 5 ft 5.”

“Well, it’ll be nice to be around someone closer to my size for once. I bet she's still super fit, though. I'm normally pretty confident about my body.” I poke myself in the tummy, “But I'm a lot softer than you guys.”

J.J. laughs, “Your body’s great too.” She pauses for a second, “In…the most Platonic way possible.”

I giggle, “Thanks.”

I look over at Kay, expecting her to say something about my boobs. But I'm surprised to see she’s blushing and looks stressed about the direction the conversation has taken.

You know, I guess she only talks about my boobs when it's just the two of us. She might also be feeling embarrassed about her own body. Woops. 

Once more, I redirect the conversation for her sake, “Why don’t you give me Ashley’s number? That way it will be easy for us to coordinate.”

Chapter Text

It’s the day of the first basketball game of the season, and I just got done with class for the day. I'm heading to the athletic dorm common room to meet up with Ashley, J.J.’s girlfriend. It's 4 p.m. and the game isn't until 8, so we're going to hang out until then.

I'm a tiny bit nervous, just because we've never hung out and 4 hours is a long time, but we've texted a bit the last few days and she seems cool.

When I reach the common room, it's mostly empty, and it's not hard to spot her since I've seen what she looks like on social media. 

She’s sitting at one of the tables and doing some homework from the look of it. She has a textbook out and is highlighting something. I take a seat across from her and say, “Hard at work even on vacation, huh?”

She looks up at me in confusion and then laughs when she recognizes me, “Yep. Gotta keep my grades up.”

Ashley has long, light brown hair with red highlights. Today she has it in a thick braid that is currently hanging over her shoulder. She also has bright green eyes.

My impression is that she is much girlier than my other two athletic friends, between bright pink nail polish and a thin pink elastic headband. She also wears makeup, unlike J.J. and Kay. Like those two, she's dressed super casually, wearing an oversized hoodie with our university logo and some loose sweatpants. I recognize both articles of clothing as actually belonging to J.J., which is pretty cute.

I nod and put my backpack in my lap, “If you want to keep working, I can join you.”

She closes her book with a thump, “Nah. I've been working most of the day since Jaz went to class.” She stretches and studies me a little bit, “Nice to meet you by the way. I kind of feel like we already met since Jaz mentions you all the time.”

I smile, “Yeah, meeting people these days is kind of funny. Like, we're friends on facebook and we texted a bit, so I wasn't sure ‘nice to meet you’ was right.”

She laughs, “Yeah, that's true.” She puts her book in her bag and the two of us head outside where she asks, “So, what's on the agenda?”

“Well, J.J. told me you really like coffee shops, and there's a nice one right off campus where I thought we could hang.”

“Aw that's sweet. I guess a date by proxy is better than no date at all.”

I laugh, “No time for one while you're here, huh?”

She shakes her head, “I knew that would be the case though, coming for a game in the middle of the week. It is actually sweet that she gave you some guidance.”

…

Ashley and I just settled into a table at the coffee shop. The place is only about half full. There are some students. There are just enough people for it to be pleasantly noisy and just few enough people for it to not feel crowded. Our table feels surprisingly private and intimate as a result.

She takes a sip of her mocha frappuccino, “Thanks for paying, you didn't have to do that.”

I laugh, “It’s a date by proxy right? I'll make J.J. pay me back later.”

Ashley cracks up, “I already like you.”

“Thanks, right back at you.”

She smiles, “To be honest I came into this already liking you a lot because of what you and Kara have done for Jaz.”

“Wh-what we've done for her?”

She nods and stirs her drink while she talks, “Well…I know that she was having a real hard time here for like the first month. I was really worried. But then, she started talking about you and Kara all the time and she was so much happier.”

“O-oh. Well, you’re welcome. I like J.J. a lot, so it wasn’t hard. We have fun, our little trio.”

She looks around as if she's checking to see if someone is listening, “It’s also really cool that you and Kara don’t care that we're together. She’s had to hide it from other friends in the past. I think you two are probably her best friends ever.” She winks at me, “Apart from me, of course.”

I smile, “Yeah, she was really scared when she let slip she had a girlfriend. It was kind of heartbreaking that she thought we were going to dislike her because of that.”

She studies me for a moment. Long enough that I'm about to joke that a taken woman like herself shouldn't be checking me out.

Before I can she says, “Any…particular reason you are so accepting of gay people? Like is someone in your family gay, or…”

Well…there's Kay potentially, but I can't say that.

I shake my head, “J.J. is the first openly gay person I’ve been close with. I think…doing a lot of my growing up in Massachusetts made me extra fine with it. Plus, both my parents have always talked about how gay people deserve the same rights and respect as anyone.”

She frowns a little, “Those…are good parents. I’m jealous.”

“Yours aren’t like that?”

She shrugs, “They are…okay about it, I guess I’d say? Like, they didn’t disown me when I came out. And they like Jaz. But they are also hoping I’ll…” She uses finger quotes, “‘snap out of it’ and marry a man some day.”

“Jeez, they tell you that?”

“Not exactly. But my mom's always trying to get me to meet random guys my age. And she’s ramped it up since Jaz left the state.”

I sigh and shake my head, “That sucks. How are J.J.’s parents about it?”

She raises her eyebrows, “Oh. It's just her mom and she is really cool with it. I'll let her tell you about it some time, though.” 

I nod, “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Yep! So, you and Kara are like super close, huh?”

I'm surprised by this sudden deviation from our discussion which has so far been about her and J.J., but I guess there isn't much more to say about their parents right now.

“Um…yeah. I've known her…as long as I can remember. We lost touch for…a while when I moved, but in most ways it feels like I never left.”

Ashley nods and takes a long drink from her coffee, looking at me all the while.

It sort of feels like she's watching me closely for some reason. Like she doesn't trust me or thinks I'm lying about something. She said she likes me, but I'm starting to worry that she doesn't. 

…

“Is this my girlfriend’s doing again, or just a coincidence?”

I laugh, “It’s her doing, although our interests align here, so that’s why she suggested it.”

Ashley and I are in the basement of the student union building, waiting in line at the on-campus buffalo wing restaurant. 

“Oh yeah? You like buffalo wings?”

I laugh, “Yep. I like spicy food in general, and I like wings a lot.”

She gets a big smile on her face and puts her arm around mine with a giggle, “This isn't a date by proxy any more. You might just be a better date. Jaz hates spicy food.”

I scoff, “I know. Kay doesn't like it either.” I laugh as I remember the time that Kay tried to eat my dad’s green chile chicken enchiladas. 

Ashley looks mystified by my laugh, so I explain,“My dad makes spicy food all the time, and one time Kay tried to eat it because she didn't want him to think she didn't like it. She was all bright red and sweaty. It was…pretty cute.”

Ashley smirks at me, “Sounds very cute. Especially ‘cause she's all huge and muscular, right?”

I laugh, “Yeah. It does make it cuter when things like that happen. She's like…the sweetest, most innocent girl you'll ever meet, but probably also the tallest and most muscular.”

“Yeah, I haven’t really seen what she looks like, only heard, since she doesn’t post anything on social media. How ripped are we talking?”

I laugh, “Very. Like, more muscular than 99% of guys too. She has like an 8-pack, big broad shoulders, and really muscular, toned legs. Her back is like…all muscle too. It’s pretty amazing.”

Ashley smiles from ear to ear, “It sounds like you know quite a bit about her body.”

“Yeah, I guess I do. I like to help her find cute outfits that work for her, so that's why I know.”

Her smile gets even wider.

Why is she doing that?

She pats me on the shoulder, "Well, anyway,  let's enjoy spicy food together since our usual…companions aren't into it.”

I laugh, “Sounds good to me. Are you going for the ghost pepper? That's the hottest. It's what I usually get.”

She smiles, “Well, I have to now. We'll definitely see who likes spicy food more.”

In the end, we both eat all 8 of the ghost pepper wings we order, and we declare it a tie.

But if I'm being honest, it actually looked like she was feeling the heat less than I was. 

But I'm not telling HER that.

…

Ashley and I just got to the arena about 20 minutes before the game starts. We have had a fun ‘date by proxy’ as she keeps calling it. I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with her.

I still can't shake the feeling that she is watching me incredibly closely, though.

While there are definitely way more people in the arena than there were at the scrimmage, it's still very sparsely attended. I would guess there are 500 people in the 4,000 seat arena.

That's why I am baffled when my companion says, “Pretty good turn out.”

“S-seriously?”

She nods as we walk along the concourse looking for the section where our tickets are.

“I kind of thought it would be full.”

She laughs, “For women's sports at a university this small?”

We find our section and walk down to our row which is right by the court.

Once we take our seats I ask, “People don't like women's sports?”

She looks at me incredulously, but then her confusion dissipates, “Oh yeah, Jaz told me you're new to this world.” She sighs and crosses her arms, “Women's sports get like 10 percent the support of men's sports. That might be generous.”

Now I must look incredulous, “T-ten percent? That can't be right.”

She pats me on the head, “You sweet, naive little girl. It is right. I wish it wasn't, though.”

I frown, feeling very defeated, “Why is it like that?”

“I mean…universities have only had women's sports for like 30 years. And only because the government made them.”

“Made them?”

“Yeah, Title IX. It's from the 70s I think. Doesn't allow gender discrimination at universities. So now, if a university wants to have men's sports, they have to have an equal number of women's sports too.”

Title IX sounds familiar for some reason. 

Oh.

When that guy attacked me, the police mentioned it. It must also deal with that sort of thing. What he did was definitely gender discrimination too, albeit of a very different kind.

“Well, I really like Title IX. And women's sports.”

Ashley laughs, “Me too. But yeah…maybe someday women's sports will be bigger. But for now, it's kind of new and people aren't sure about it.”

…

It's the last five minutes of the second half and we're ahead 66-46.

“WOOOO! GOOD JOB KAY! GREAT BLOCK!”

I've been on my feet cheering my lungs out for Kay this entire game.

Now that I'm used to Xena, I'm enjoying the experience much more than at my first game, where I was a little freaked out. 

She played great at the scrimmage, but that game seemed fair at least. In this game against another small school, it looks almost like a grown up playing with children.

Every time she makes a basket, gets a rebound, or blocks a shot I yell for her at the top of my lungs. My voice is definitely getting tired, but I don't care. It's amazing watching her out there. I don't think I've ever been this excited watching anything.

“YEAH!!!! KAYYY! YOU'RE AMAZING!”

“GREAT PASS JAZ!!!! KEEP IT UP!”

J.J. has been in for about half the game, so Ashley is cheering like crazy too. Just now J.J. passed the ball to Kay without even looking at her, and Kay put it in from under the basket.

“AMAZING JOB JAZ! THAT WAS A GREAT FAST BREAK!”

J.J. just poked the ball away and then stole it before sprinting to the other basket and laying it up.

I can see what Dr. Aines meant about her speed. Kay is fast for her size, but J.J. was almost a blur on that play.

There is a minute left in the second half. The other team is down by 30 now. They just called a time out. I'm not sure why, given the score.

During this lull Ashley shoves me playfully and laughs, “It feels a little like you and I are competing for who is the best at cheering.”

“Yeah well, I'm totally winning!”

She giggles and gives me a big grin, “You know what? I think you're right.”

Chapter Text

Ashley and I are waiting for J.J. and Kay to come out of the locker room following their victorious performance.

Ashley has used that time to teach me about basketball statistics.

She says that Kay finished with a triple double, which I learned means she had double digits in three stats categories. She scored 20 points, had 14 rebounds, and 10 blocks.

Apparently just one of those being in double digits is good, and all three is insane. Kay really was amazing out there, like my eyes were telling me. Ashley was super impressed, and she has a more trained eye for this kind of thing.

J.J. didn't play as much, but she had 5 points, 7 assists and 2 steals. I learned an assist is when she passes the ball to a player who scores.

When I see Kay walking our way with a cute little smile on her face, I can't contain my excitement. I run towards her and tackle-hug her. Of course, my comparatively meager weight isn’t even enough to make her budge. She just catches me with no effort and I say, “Kay, that was amazing ! You were amazing.”

She laughs and returns my hug. She looks down at me with a big smile, “Thanks, Em. I could hear you cheering the whole time. You were more into it than I expected.”

I feel a little embarrassed about this, but I shrug it off and we break the hug. When we do, we find J.J. and Ashley watching us with smiles on their faces as they whisper to each other.

I wonder what they are whispering about? Maybe what they are going to do when they get back to J.J's room. 

After J.J. introduces Ashley to Kara, the two love birds make their escape. They don't have much time together since Ashley leaves tomorrow. I'm glad they are going to make the most of it.

….

I just put on my pajamas and I'm about to get in bed.

Today was a really good day. I'm pleasantly tired.

Ashley was cool even if I felt like she was analyzing me the entire time. I guess she’s just like that. I had a lot of fun with her and she's definitely expanded my sports and basketball knowledge, which I needed to be a good friend to Kay and J.J.

Watching the game with her was fun, and seeing J.J. and Kay play so well was really exciting.

As I'm washing my face, I'm startled by a knock on my door. Maybe I'm still a little on edge from the attack a few weeks ago, but I also really didn't expect someone to knock on my door this late. It never happens.

Please don't be Ella. Please don't be Ella.

I reluctantly look through the peephole and I'm beyond surprised when I see two people who I was very sure would be having sex right about now.

I open the door and address my friends, “Wh-what are you two doing here?”

J.J. rolls her eyes, “ Such a warm welcome. Can we come in or not?”

“Um…sure. Sorry. I was just surprised.”

I step aside and the two girls shuffle into my room. The three of us are just standing around awkwardly, so I break the silence.

“What’s this about? It’s not like you to stop by like this, J.J.”

J.J. looks at her girlfriend, “You're sure about this, Ash?”

She nods, “100% sure. Just tell her. She wants to hear it.”

“T-tell me what?”

J.J. nods at her girlfriend and then locks eyes with me, “Kara’s in love with you.”

And here it is. The moment I've been dreading. The moment when I have to hurt Kay.

I clench my hands and my jaw, “Sh-she told you that?”

J.J. crosses her arms, “No. But she doesn't have to.  She adores you. Talks about you constantly . She has a special smile I only ever see when you're around or she talks about you. And it's not just me. Multiple girls on the team have asked me if you two are dating. That's how much she talks about you.”

I look down and bite my lip, “But you don't know for sure?”

J.J. scoffs, “No. But come on . It's obvious. You have to have noticed something.”

I sigh and close my eyes, “Y-yeah. I've been worried about this for a while.”

J.J. nods, “There have been times I've thought…maybe you feel the same about her. But I've been less sure about you. So I haven't said anything. But, Ash thinks-”

“What!? Of course I don't feel the sa-”

Ashley scoffs, cutting me off. She levels a glare at me, “Are you freaking serious right now?”

J.J. frowns at her girlfriend, “Babe, cool it. Now is not the time for intensity.”

I glare right back at her, “Yeah. It really isn't. I like you Ashley, but talking to me like that when I'm already upset is really going to bring the bitch out of me. I don't think you'd like it.”

Ashley meets my glare and for a moment I think she's going to fire back, but J.J. shoots her another pointed look. She sighs and crosses her arms and looks away from me “Sorry. I was just surprised you responded this way.”

“Why? Kay's my best friend. And like…probably the most important person in the world to me. But it’s not romantic, okay? You just met me today, and you were that sure I had feelings for Kay?”

She nods, “I was, yeah. Still am, to be honest. Hence the surprise.”

She's REALLY starting to piss me off. She thinks she knows my feelings better than I do!? From spending like 6 hours with me!?

She's lucky she built up some goodwill today. And that she's J.J.’s girlfriend. Or I'd probably be screaming at her right now.

I mostly keep my anger under control when I tersely respond, “Why?!”

She looks at J.J., who gestures for her to continue.

“Well…Jaz was telling me she thought there might be something between you two, but you were both dragging your feet for some reason. Like you were scared to tell the other because you might get rejected. She wanted me to watch you and see what I thought.”

I KNEW she was watching me.

I glare at J.J. who throws her hands up defensively, “Come on! I'm not completely crazy. You just said that you think Kara likes you.”

I sigh, “I guess.” I look at Ashley, “It still doesn't feel great to know that the whole time we were hanging out today you were just observing me and pumping me for information.”

Ashley's confident obstinance fades for a moment as she frowns and slumps her shoulders, “Yeah…that doesn't sound so good, does it? You're right. I did really like hanging out with you, though. I promise. That’s part of why I wanted to tell you about Kara. Because I like you so much. We…thought we would be helping you two out if we gave you the push you needed.”

I see how guilty Ashley feels and soften my tone, “It's fine. Your heart was in the right place. I guess. I still don't know how just watching me today would be enough to come to this conclusion.”

J.J. says, “Maybe you're wrong, Ash. But you may as well tell her what you told me. Just lay it all out there.”

Ashley nods and locks eyes with me, “Listen - I've been to a lot of athletic events in my life. I've seen lots of people cheer.” She smiles, “And the way you were cheering…it's how significant others do it. Not how friends do it.”

I shake my head at her in disbelief, “ That's your big sign that I'm in love with my best friend?”

“Well that and how you smile any time you talk about her. And how you know everything about her body. Down to some pretty small details. And how you ran up and hugged her after the game.”

I sigh in frustration and look at each of them in turn, “You both know I'm not gay, right?”

J.J. shrugs, “I mean…I know you had a boyfriend. But I hadn't seen anything definitive about whether you liked girls. Then, a few days ago you said you never slept with your boyfriend, so-”

I raise my voice, “Isn't the fact I had a boyfriend pretty damn definitive?”

J.J. looks to her girlfriend and asks for help with her eyes.

Ashley nods to her and then says, “Not really. I had a boyfriend once. And I am 1000% gay.”

I blink several times, stunned by her statement, “Huh? Why did you date a guy then?”

“Because…I hadn't figured myself out yet. He was this guy I was friends with for a long time. Really sweet, and funny. And he asked me out.” She shrugs, “I thought, ‘Well, this is what girls do, right? Date guys they like being around.’ So, that's what I did.”

This…

“Uh…huh. And h-how did that go?”

“It was…kind of nice. We dated for like 6 months. It was fun having this person around who liked me so much. And I liked being with him. He’s a good guy. He was fun. But I started to realize something was missing. I didn't really like the physical stuff.”

Sounds…

“And I never wanted to go further than kissing. I never felt comfortable about the idea. Heck, even kissing felt kind of forced.”

So familiar…

She grins at her girlfriend, who smiles back, “Then, I developed a pretty big crush on the star point guard on the basketball team. Spending time with her gave me this rush of good feelings I never felt with him. This…warm, pleasant, happy feeling.  And suddenly, everything fell into place.”

Suddenly, everything falls into place.

My legs get weak so I sit down on my bed, dumbfounded by what I just heard. And how it resonated with me. 

“-ily?”

“Huh?”

J.J.  waves her hand in front of my face and asks, “Are you okay? You're pale. And you were like…spacing out.”

I run my hands through my hair, “Um…yeah. I think I'm okay. But…I think I just realized that um…maybe I am gay?”

J.J. gives me a bemused grin, “Uh…what? Weren’t you just yelling at us about how straight you are?”

I put my hand on my forehead. I feel clammy. Makes sense that I'm pale too. I turn towards Ashley, “Um…yeah, but just…everything you said. About your boyfriend. It's exactly how I was with my boyfriend.”

Ashley doesn't look very surprised. She sits down next to me with a satisfied grin, “Oh, I see. ”

Ugh. Maybe she DOES know my feelings better than I do.

I nod and start to wring my hands together, “A-and there's more. The way you felt about J.J., the feeling you described. It's how I feel about Kay. I thought it was just like…because we're childhood friends, but-”

Ashley surprises me with a hug, “I knew it!”

I laugh awkwardly as I return her hug, “I don't get it though. Shouldn't I have like…known I was gay before now? Don't people just know?”

Ashley breaks the hug and shakes her head with a smile on her face.

J.J. shrugs, “Everyone's different. I've known since I was like…5. Other people need an awakening, like Ashley did. Some people don't figure it out until they are in their 30s. Like my mom.”

“Y-your…mom!?”

She laughs, “Yep. She's gay too.”

“So…you're adopted?”

J.J chuckles, “No. That's my point. My mom was married to my dad for 2 years and that's how I was born. But she's gay and didn’t realize it until later. Dating a nice librarian right now.”

All of this new information about people realizing they are gay as adults throws me for a loop.

“I'm…so confused right now. Why…why don't people know sooner?”

Ashley replies, “It's a society thing, I think. We're told the norms so we try to be…” She uses finger quotes, “...’normal’ and don't consider the other options. But normal isn't the only option. In fact, for some of us it's the wrong option.”

J.J. nods, “So…you think you just realized that you do like Kara?”

I mull it over for a second,  “I'm…still not 100% sure. This is all so…sudden. I feel like I’m in shock more than anything. I need to think about it some more.”

J.J. nods, “Of course. We'll um…get out of your hair.”

Ashley nods and takes her girlfriend's hand as she stands up. They stop just before opening the door and Ashley says, “Good luck. And um…let us know if we can help.”

I nod, “Thank you both for using some of your limited time together on this. Sorry for yelling.”

They both laugh and Ashley says, “It's fine. I was definitely too aggressive.”

J.J. laughs, “It's something you two have in common. Getting a little too spicy sometimes. Must be all the spicy food you eat.” She gives me a caring smile, “See you later, okay?”

Already starting to get lost in thought, I give her an absent-minded nod.

After they leave, I lie down on my bed and put my hands over my face. My mind is reeling.

It's so weird how I was so sure I WASN'T gay 20 minutes ago, and now I'm…not sure at all. It’s like some door I kept locked in my brain suddenly got thrown open .

I think back on guys in high school.

There weren't really any I was interested in. Stuff with Derek never felt right either, but I thought it was just because we weren't right for eachother. Not because I didn't like guys.

I roll on my side and sigh.

There really aren't any other guys I ever seriously thought I liked other than Derek. And I've never understood girls who are obsessed with male celebrities either. I thought it was just because I wasn't as vapid as them, but maybe…

I roll on my other side and sigh again.

It's not like I ever liked a girl or had a crush on one either though, right? 

I think hard, sifting through my memories for something I may have overlooked because I was trying too hard to be ‘normal' as Ashley put it.

I don't really come up with anything. It's not like I ever had a female friend I had a crush on or anything. 

But to be honest, I was never the most social girl. I didn't make very many close friends in school other than Derek. I was really embarrassed about my mom's drinking, so I kept people at an arm's length so they would never want to come over to my house. I was so wrapped up in all my family stuff that dating or liking someone was the furthest thing from my mind until he asked me out. 

I only got close with Derek because he was kind of like me. A cynical loner who didn't like his family situation. He and I spent almost all our time just driving around goofing off so we didn't have to go home.

I roll on my back and sigh.

Basically, I'm incredibly inexperienced when it comes to romance. So I'm unsure what all these feelings mean. 

I start to focus my thoughts on Kay, and how I feel about her. With this new door open in my mind, maybe I'll notice something.

She is the most important person in the world to me. And I'm happiest when I'm with her.

I also think she's super pretty. And the fact I always find myself captivated by her body might be…something.

I close my eyes and think about each of those times where I was fascinated with her body.

I picture her bare back and her long, bare, muscular legs in the changing room on our shopping trip. 

And how safe her strong arms make me feel.

Then I think about her midriff, which I took a peek at every morning when I was staying with her. 

As I take this little trip through memory lane, I feel my face flush and my heart pound.

Yeah, that…REALLY might be something.

And there's the fact I'm more comfortable holding her hand or snuggling her than I ever was with Derek.

And I end up snuggling her any time we sleep together. 

And I REALLY like sleeping with her.

And I get jealous when J.J. hogs her.

I open my eyes, laugh and say, “Yeah, okay,” to myself.

The evidence is pretty damning now that I'm laying it all out there.

I think I didn't see it because we've been friends so long. And I thought all the special closeness I felt for her was because of that. And like, maybe that's a factor.

“But…I like her. A lot.” I say quietly.

I just said the words out loud. That somehow makes my feelings even more tangible.

Well, I don't think I have to worry about hurting her any more.

Chapter Text

It's morning. I just woke up.

I quickly fell asleep last night after realizing my feelings for Kay. I felt a very real sense of peace. Everything makes more sense now and I don't have to worry about hurting Kay.

But now that I'm awake again I'm pretty anxious.

It’s Thursday. That means I have class with Kay this morning. I'm excited to see her but also a little scared.

How am I supposed to act around her now?

…

Kay was late to class today. And then the class was filled with lecture and student presentations, so there wasn't much time for us to talk.

Even so, I can tell my feelings for her are very real. When she walked in, my heart started beating faster and for the whole class I've been stealing lots of glances at her and admiring her fair skin and blue eyes. She caught me a few times and smiled, and that made my heart go even crazier.

She's just so freaking pretty. And sweet. And then her body…

I shake my head to keep myself from going off on a tangent.

These are the same feelings I've had for her for quite some time. But it's like they were turned way down before. And now they are turned all the way up. It's kind of intense.

Class just ended, mercifully. I have to get this out of me or I'm going to explode. 

I tap her on her shoulder as she puts her things away, “Um…Kay, do you want to, maybe-”

“Sorry, Em. I can't today. Have to get to the workout earlier than usual because of the game tomorrow. See you later, though!”

She gives me a cute smile and bolts out the door, leaving me feeling very unsatisfied. And very silly.

Oh well, there will be plenty of time to tell her.  

…

I just finished a lunch where I couldn't taste anything because I was so distracted by how I feel about Kay.

Now I'm laying on my bed and thinking about everything.

Class definitely confirmed how I was feeling. I'm really attracted to her and these feelings are definitely romantic.

Now I have to figure out when to tell her. And how to tell her. I want it to be a special moment between us and not just a text or me blurting it out during a meal. It's probably good in some ways that she had to go. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it in when I'm around her.

I need to do it when we're in private.

There is another game tomorrow. I think that means she will be free all day on Saturday. 

I nod to myself, feeling resolved. And then I send her a text.

“Do you want to hang out, just you and me on Saturday? It's been awhile since it was just the two of us. It would be fun to spend the day together.”

I'm a little surprised when she replies almost immediately.

“Sure! I would like that. Should we have a slumber party?”

I swallow so loudly there's an audible ‘gulp’ sound.

If like…I tell her how we feel and we start dating, won't a slumber party mean…sex?

I don't think I'm ready for that.

…am I?

Neither of us has any experience. And knowing Kay, I'm pretty sure I'd have to take the lead.

That…sounds really nice, actually.

My heart starts pounding as my thoughts become increasingly lewd.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath to clear my mind.

Then I text Kay back, “Yeah. We can do that.”

I stare blankly at my screen, stunned that that's what I sent. I didn't clear my mind enough, apparently. 

No going back now.

I sigh and lay back in my bed and put my hands over my face. 

I can always back out of staying the night. She's going to be super shy about that kind of thing most likely, so we probably won’t do it right away anyway.

Crap, now I'm thinking about Kay’s body again!

My phone starts to vibrate and it feels like my heart jumps out of my chest. It must be Kay calling to talk about our plans. I'm not sure I can handle that right now.

Now that I opened that door, thoughts about her body won't stop coming through it.

However, when I look at my phone, I'm surprised to see that my mom is calling me.

Since I came here, we haven't talked on the phone very much. Between her work and how early she goes to bed, there's a narrow window for us to talk. Especially with the time difference.

We have kept up with each other in texts, but getting a call in the middle of the day - on a weekday no less - is very unusual.

I answer, “Hey mom.”

“H-hello, Emily.”

I can tell from her voice that she is very upset. She may even have been crying.

“Everything okay?”

“No…”

I sit up in bed, “What's wrong?”

“They…found out about my drinking. At work.”

“Oh. Shit.”

She laughs wryly, “My thoughts exactly.”

“How did that happen? You're usually…pretty careful.”

She sighs, “This is the first time you and I have ever actually talked about my drinking. I wondered sometimes whether you knew I had a problem.”

I'd have to be the stupidest person in the world to not know she's an alcoholic. But she's upset right now, so I won't say that.

I scoff, “Of course I did. I just…didn't know what to do about it. Or what to say. Didn't you notice I was taking care of you?”

She sighs, “I…did. I was just in…denial I suppose.  Anyway, without you here taking care of me things have gotten…worse.”

“H-how much worse?”

She starts to sniffle, “I was late to work several times. And multiple clients reported…smelling alcohol on me.”

Oh no.

“I was never drunk at work, mind you. I would never do that. But…waking up hungover and rushing to work smelling like alcohol isn't that much better.”

I grimace, “Wh-what's going to happen?”

She sighs, “They said they would have to let me go unless I agreed to go to rehab.”

“Ah. I see. How do you feel about that?”

“I…think I probably need it. I have a problem. And I need help.”

“Yeah. You do.”

“They're going to pay for it and everything. One of the benefits of being a therapist at a mental health center I suppose. My colleagues and superiors all understand addiction better than in most workplaces.”

“Well yeah, plus you're like - an award-winning child therapist. They need you.”

No, the irony is not lost on me that my neglectful alcoholic mother is an award-winning child therapist.

She chuckles, “Before this they did, anyway.” She starts to sniffle again, “I want to ask something of you. And you can tell me if I'm being unreasonable.”

“Um…okay?”

“Would you come home today through Sunday? I checked the flight schedule and there's a red eye. I just…I need to see you before I go in on Monday. It would help me a lot.”

THIS WEEKEND!? The one where I was going to spend time alone with Kay and tell her all about my feelings?! Is this really the week they have to send my mom to rehab?

Ugh. I’m being selfish. This thing with Kay can wait. My mom’s thing is time sensitive. And I'm actually really happy she's getting help.

“Emily? Are you still there?”

“Y-yeah I am, sorry.” I take a deep breath, “Yeah, I'll come. It'll be a quick visit, but I can do it.”

She sounds so relieved, “I'll get your plane ticket and send you the info.”

After I hang up the phone I sigh deeply and then punch my pillow several times while cursing my mom's rotten timing.

Then I text Kay to let her know what's going on, and apologize for backing out of plans right after making them.

She replies, “I know it's hard, but it's good that you'll be there for your mom. I'm here for you, if you need me.”

I spend far too long looking at her text and smiling.

…

I'm just about ready to head to Sioux Falls, but there's one more thing I need to do. Luckily, it's Dr. Aines's office hour.

I'm seated across from his desk right now. His office is tinier and more sparsely decorated than I expected.

“Have a question about Charlemagne, Ms. Jimenez?”

“Um…no, actually. I think I understood everything from yesterday. He was super conceited and thought he could revive the Roman Empire even though he was an illiterate barbarian.”

Dr. Aines laughs, “That's…certainly one interpretation. What can I help you with, if it isn't class?”

“Well…it's kind of about your other job. Is that allowed during your office hours?”

He raises an eyebrow, “Sure, I'm listening.”

“I have to go out of town, unexpectedly. Like right now. So I won't be in class tomorrow, and I won't be able to go to the game either. Is there any way I can listen to the game?”

He chuckles, “Well…there's this newfangled invention called the radio. Maybe you've heard of it.”

I cross my arms and huff at him, “And you call me snarky.”

He shrugs, “I never said I wasn't also snarky.”

I roll my eyes at him, “ Anyway , I know I can listen on the radio if I'm here. But home for me is Boston.”

He nods, “Ah, I see the problem.” He thinks for a moment, “Will you have access to the internet?”

“Yeah. I can listen online?"

“Indeed. We just added it last year. If you go to the station website, you can access the live radio.”

He gets out a post-it note and writes down the URL before handing it to me.

I exhale as I look at the note and then hold it to my chest, “Oh, thank God. I really didn't want to miss it completely.”

He laughs, “You're a very good friend for wanting to follow the game so badly.”

I laugh awkwardly, realizing this is probably yet another thing that I wouldn't be doing if I wasn't in love with Kay.

…

I'm at the airport. All checked into my flight and waiting for boarding to start. I usually have a nice relaxed feeling at this point, since I'm always antsy about getting to the gate on time. But between realizing my very strong feelings for Kay and everything going on with my mom, I don't feel very relaxed.

Just as I'm thinking about all of this I hear a gruff, “Um…what the hell are you doing here?”

I look up from my seat and see Ashley, looking down at me sternly with her arms crossed. She's still wearing J.J.’s hoody, but has her own fitted jeans on today.

I'm surprised by the sight at first, but then it all makes sense. She's flying back to Maryland today. This is a small regional airport that doesn’t have very many flights. We’re probably on the same flight to Chicago before we take direct flights to our respective cities.

I grin at her and tap my chin with my finger, “Well…let's see…why would someone be at the airport . There are so many possibilities…”

She ignores my joke and sits down next to me and narrows her eyes, “You aren’t…running away, are you?”

I stare at her blankly, utterly flummoxed by her question.

When she realized I'm not getting it she whispers, “Did we freak you out that much last night?”

Oh. I guess it DOES look weird. I realized I was gay and in love with my best friend last night and now I’m at the airport. And I was with her for several hours yesterday and I didn't mention anything about traveling today.

Just as I'm about to answer her question, my phone starts to vibrate in my bag. I hold up a finger to Ashley as I get it out and then chuckle when I see the name on my phone screen. I show Ashley the name, and she gestures for me to answer.

She's never called me before. I wonder if she's worried too.

I flip my phone open and casually say, “Hey J.J., what's up?”

She sounds equal parts annoyed and worried, “What's up !? Where the hell are you!? Did something happen between you and Kara?”

“Huh? No. Why? Did she say something?”

“Well she just…told me you had to go out of town for a few days and was weird and evasive about it when I asked why. She wouldn't give me any details. I was worried you were…running away or something.”

“No. I didn't.  Hey listen, Ashley is here with me and she is worried about the same thing. So I'm going to talk to her and she'll fill you in, okay?”

There’s a long silence and then a very confused, “Huh? Ash is…wha?”

I laugh, “I’m at the airport, but I’m not running away. You’ll hear the rest from Ashley.”

She sounds even more confused, but ultimately agrees to end our call.

I turn to Ashley, “Pretty cute you two are both so worried about me. Not sure what it says about me though, that you both think I would run away. I wouldn't do that to Kay.”

Not again, anyway.

“Well…when we left you last night you looked rattled. And…sometimes people freak out about this kind of thing. Try to bottle it up.”

I smile, “Well, you don’t have to worry. You two were right. About everything. And I'm telling Kay when I get back.”

She lets out a relieved sigh and all the tension on her face is replaced by joy, “Really!?”

“Really. I was going to tell her sooner but…some family stuff came up so I unexpectedly have to go home for a few days.”

“Oh. Well…sucks about the family stuff, but I'm glad you figured things out with Kara.”

I smile, “Me too.”

…

I’m at the airport in Boston. 

Things are not off to a good start with my mother. She was supposed to meet me at the airport, but she isn’t here. I tried calling her, but she didn’t pick up. It is midnight, so it’s pretty late, especially for her. But she said that she wouldn’t drink and would pick me up. 

It sounded too good to be true, but I thought maybe she turned over a new leaf because of what happened at work. Clearly that didn’t happen.

I know she’s going through something hard right now and about to go to rehab. But like…just wait to drink for another couple of hours to pick up the daughter that you BEGGED to come visit you.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath and swallow down my rage, before making my way outside so that I can hail a cab.

…

When I get home, my mom is exactly where she always is. Passed out on the couch in front of the television and snoring. From the number of wine bottles on the coffee table, it looks like she probably drank more than she usually does. Usually it’s just two bottles a night. Right now there are four.

So much for not drinking tonight, huh?

As I bend over her and gently put my hand on her shoulder, I catch a whiff of the Chardonnay she always drinks and it makes me gag. The smell of alcohol always does.

I haven’t missed not being around alcohol at all the last several months, that’s for sure. 

Pretty messed up that for me, going to college means being around alcohol LESS.

My mom stirs and half opens her eyes, “Elmily…how ah you?”

I HATE how she sounds when she’s drunk. Actually, I hate how anyone sounds when they’re drunk, but I think it’s because of her. Just like I hate everything else about alcohol and will never drink because of her.

I sigh, “I’m fine. Just…letting you know I’m here. Go back to sleep.”

“...’m so gald you’re hrere.” In the next instant she’s snoring again.

I can’t say I feel the same right now. But whatever.

I head up to my room and put down my things while feeling incredibly depressed and frustrated. This is a feeling I used to have all the time. A feeling of complete helplessness. A feeling of deep concern for my mom but not knowing what to do. It's horrible.

I sit down on my bed and sigh.

I don't have this feeling when I'm at school. I just feel happy there, mostly.

 It's so wild that I love it there so much now. And sure, some of that is how I feel about Kay, but not all of it. I like almost everything about school.

I've genuinely come to love the place I hated at the start of the semester. 

And now I hate being here.  Since now I know a life where I don't have to deal with my drunk and hungover mom every single fucking day.

I get out my phone and I see that I have a text from Kay.

“<3”

I never knew two characters could make me feel so much better.

My mom and I have had a pretty nice day even though we didn't get off to a great start yesterday. We went for a walk, I helped her pick out clothes to bring to the rehab place, and we watched a movie. We ordered pizza from my favorite place, which is one of the few things I find I still miss about being here. Pizza Hut is the only pizza place in that tiny town.

Now it's time for what I'm the most excited about, though - the basketball game. I'm in the living room on my laptop getting it set up so we can listen to the game.

My mom is going to listen with me but the woman knows less about sports than I do, so I doubt she'll understand anything. I appreciate the gesture though. She can tell I'm excited.

I sigh loudly when I see my mom sit down next to me with a glass of wine.

She frowns, “I have to finish all the wine in the house so there isn't any when I come back.”

I cross my arms and roll my eyes, “ Really ? That's the excuse you're going with?”

My mom looks embarrassed, making me feel bad.

“Whatever. Do what you have to. I know…you can't just stop on your own.”

She sighs and looks down at her glass, “I wish I could.” She sniffles, “I hate that I put you through so much. I'm a terrible mother.”

I do my best to let go of my frustration and put my hand on her back, “It…wasn't always easy. It's true. Especially when I was younger. But… you aren't terrible. You just have a problem.”

She sighs, “Yeah. I do.” She hands me the wine glass, “Go pour that down the sink.”

“What? You don't have to.”

“I know…but I may as well try. It will be useful to know how far I can get on my own. I'll stay sober for Kara's game, at least. That's doable.”

…

“McCulloh is at the top of the key assessing her options. Olson just set a beautiful screen, and McCulloh drives towards the basket and puts it in. It's 17-15, the home team is up two.”

“That's really your history professor?”

I laugh, “Yep. He's easy to listen to, huh?”

My mom nods, “What does it mean that Kara set a screen?”

I smile, proud that I know the answer, and then explain the pick and roll to my mom.

She smiles during my whole explanation, “You've gotten very into basketball, haven't you?”

I nod as I listen to Dr. Aines call the other team's possession.

“She passes it to McGee in the low post, but Olson is right on her. McGee spins to try to put it in, but it gets rejected with a thunderous block by Olson!”

I reflexively stand up and scream, “YESSSS!”

My mom looks up at me wide-eyed, causing me to look away. I smile bashfully, “S-sorry. I get excited.”

My mom laughs, “I can see that.”

“Juarez is checking in now at Point Guard with McCulloh taking a breather. She played significant minutes in the first game, so Coach Thompson must like what she's seeing from the true freshman out of Maryland.”

“That's my other friend, J.J. I hope she gets to play a lot.”

My mom nods, “Ah yes, you've mentioned her. The one with the girlfriend who was on your flight?”

I nod, but am too focused on the game to do more than that. 

“That's Juarez's fourth assist to Olson in as many possessions. Those two have tons of chemistry. They are friends off the court too, it seems to be doing wonders for their game.”

I think he only knows they are friends because of me. That's kind of funny.

“With 30 seconds left in the half, the home team is up by 3. The visitors will be able to hold the ball for one last shot. Oh! Juarez knocked the ball loose, and there's a scrum for the ball. It looks like Olson came away with it and called time.”

I'm tempted to yell in victory again but I control myself and pump my fist with a more controlled, “Yes!”

“Oh…this doesn't look good. Olson's still down.”

What?

“The training staff has come on the court, and it seems to be her knee. Another player may have fallen on her when they were diving for the ball.”

What!?

“They are helping her up now, but she isn’t putting any weight on that right knee. The trainers are taking her right to the locker room. Her night may be over.”

“WHAT!?”

My mom pats me on the shoulder, “I hope she's okay.”

“M-me too. I think she will be. She's like…a freaking Amazon. She'll be okay.”

“In just the first half, Olson has 12 points, 10 rebounds and 6 blocks. It would be a real shame if it's serious.”

I start to get very worried about Kay, so I take it out on Dr. Aines, even though he can't hear me.

“Yeah, no shit it's a shame!”

My mom looks at me with concern, “Are you okay?”

I bite the inside of my cheek anxiously, “I…I don't know. I'm just really worried. Not knowing what's going on is driving me crazy.”

I look at my phone and consider texting Kay. But quickly realize there is no way she has her phone right now.

…

It's the second half now and Dr. Aines begins with a statement that makes me feel even worse.

“I've received word that Olson won't be returning for tonight's game.”

I spend the rest of the game only half-listening as I think about what might be happening with Kay. And how she must be feeling. My mom tries to comfort me a few times but it doesn't help. By the end, there aren't any additional updates.

The good news is we won by a point, and J.J. played a fair bit and had a good game.

Now that it's over, I'm trying to decide if I should call Kay or if she'll be busy with trainers and doctors and stuff. Just as soon as I take my phone into my hand, it starts to ring and Kay's name flashes on the screen. 

I excuse myself from the living room and answer the call in my bedroom.

“K-kay?!”

When I hear her voice, my heart sinks. She sounds sadder than I’ve ever heard her. At least since she was a little girl. I can tell she’s been crying.

She sniffles and says, “H-hey, Em.”

Just the defeated tone of her voice is enough to get me choked up. But I do my best to keep myself from crying. That won't help her right now.

“How is your knee?”

She sighs, “Wrecked. I tore my meniscus. It probably needs surgery. My season's done.” She breathes in sharply, and starts to cry. Through her tears she says, “I didn't even get to play two whole games, Em.”

I'm supposed to be there holding her when she cries. Just like I promised when we were little.

I feel tears run down my cheek, but manage to keep my voice steady, “I-I'm so sorry. This is terrible. I know how important it is to you.”

She gathers herself, “Y-yeah…I didn't tell you, because I was being superstitious and didn't want to jinx it…but this isn’t the first time I've gotten hurt.”

“I-it isn’t?”

She sniffles, “Uh-uh. I was actually…being scouted by a bunch of D1 schools my junior year, but hurt this same knee and didn't play much my senior year.”

I think D1 is like, that bigger school they played in the scrimmage.

“I-it was…the hardest time in my life. I know that sounds dumb, with what you've been through. With what you're dealing with right now. You're having a hard weekend with your mom. And I'm complaining about basketba -”

I cut her off, “Hey. It's not dumb. You love basketball. And you're like…amazing at it. Not being able to play is…it must have been awful.” My voice cracks, “I-I…should have been there for you last time. I will be this time, okay?”

“Okay. I'd like that. A lot.” She pauses for a moment, “Hey, I didn't think of it until now since I was blubbering. How did you even know I got hurt all the way in Boston?”

I laugh , “I listened to the game online. I wanted to surprise you. It sounded like you were on your way to another triple double!”

She laughs, “Wow, Em. You've really gotten into basketball, huh? You even know what you're talking about.”

I feel relieved that she sounds more like her normal self. I wipe my tears with my sleeve, “Um…duh. I'm your biggest fan.”

“Thanks, Em. It means a lot you were listening. I really needed to hear your voice. Talk it out with you. Makes me feel so much better.”

I start to feel a warm sensation in my chest, “I'm glad I can help a little. But when I get back, I'll help a lot!”

She laughs, “That sounds good to me. I miss you.”

Oh God, I want to tell her I love her SO FREAKING BAD . But…it can wait.

“I miss you too.”

After that the call ends, I stare at my phone and start to get angry. 

I should have been there tonight. I shouldn’t have had to comfort her on the stupid phone. I should be there to hold her hand and give her snuggles.

When I leave my room, I want nothing more than to find my mother and explode in her stupid alcoholic face. It's her fucking fault that I'm not there for Kay right now.

But she emerges from the living room when she hears my door open. And she looks very worried about me. The fire that was burning inside of me gets put out.

“I-is everything okay? Is she in the hospital or something?!”

“N-no. It's not that kind of serious. But…she thinks her season's over.”

My mom looks at me, confused, “I understand that that's a terrible thing. But…I'm not sure I've ever seen you this upset, sweetie. I can see you were crying. I was sure she must be really, really hurt.”

I wipe my remaining tears, “Well…there's some other stuff at play, too.”

My mom nods, eager to listen.

I'm very glad she stayed sober tonight. I can't remember the last time I had a chat with my mom when the sun was down.

I explain the guilt I have over ditching Kay back when we were kids and how not being there for her now is really upsetting me for that reason.

My mom frowns, “I see. It is a pity it happened when you were gone.” My mom studies my face and calmly asks, “Are you in love with her?”

Ugh. Maybe I'm NOT so glad she stayed sober. She's too sharp when she is. Damn therapy senses.

I sigh and scratch the back of my head, “It's…that obvious, huh?”

“Well…I saw how you reacted when she got hurt, and how upset you are now. I don't think you would feel this way for just a friend.”

I nod, “Yeah. You're right. I would have written it off as ‘we're childhood friends’ a week ago, but…I was in denial.”

“Does she know?”

I shake my head, “I only figured it out a few days ago. I was going to tell her this weekend.”

My mom smiles softly, “Do you think she…has feelings for you too?”

“Our friends are sure she does, and before I started to feel this way, I was worried she liked me. So…yeah, I think so.”

My mom smiles wider, “Well that's great. You can tell her when you get back.”

“Yeah. I will.” I tilt my head at my mom, “You don't seem surprised to hear that I'm gay.” I laugh wryly, “ I was more surprised than you seem to be.”

She chuckles, “Well, it's a little surprising. But you never had much interest in boys.”

I blink several times, thinking she must have lost her mind, “What about Derek?”

She shrugs, “To be honest, you two never felt like a couple to me. Just close friends who happened to be opposite genders.”

“Oh. Yeah. I…came to that conclusion myself recently.”

Man, poor Derek. He really liked me. After this is all settled I'll call him and tell him I have a girlfriend. And apologize for wasting a year of his life. He'll be cool about it, but I still feel pretty bad.

My mom hugs me which is not something we do very often, “Good luck with Kara. I… won't be able to contact you much while I'm at the center, but I'll be looking forward to hearing about it when I can.”

I break the hug and smile at her, “I know…your work forcing you to do it sucks. And it's going to be hard. But I'm really glad you're going to rehab.”

My mom smiles, “Yes. I think it will be good for me. I hope…I can be a better mother to you, from here on out.”

“But mom, that's not-”

She waves her hand, “I know, you didn't say that I was a bad mom. But my home life has been spent in a bottle for 10 years. I can't have been a good mother.”

She's…not wrong. I just don't want her to feel bad. But she sees through that, of course.

I nod, “I hope you can find a way to…be happier, and healthier.”

She smiles, “I'll try my best. Thank you for coming to visit. And encouraging me. It makes it much easier.”

Chapter Text

It's Sunday night. I've been back on campus for about an hour. I'm standing in front of Kay's door, getting ready to knock on it. We decided we would hang out if I was up to it, and I definitely am.

I was pretty tired on the plane, and on the ride from Sioux Falls. But now I'm filled with energy. Because it's time to tell Kay about my feelings.

I have lots of butterflies in my stomach. I'm really, really excited for this. But also just a tiny bit anxious. This is going to change everything.

I take a deep breath and knock on the door. To my surprise, Kay opens it quickly and smiles down at me for a moment before pulling me into a tight hug.

I hug her back of course, and take more time to feel her body than I have before. It's crazy how muscular she is. But she's somehow also still very comfy to hug and snuggle with. It's like the perfect amount of softness and firmness.

We don't say anything during our hug, which goes on for quite some time. The longer it goes, the harder my heart beats, and the more I want to kiss her. I consider telling her about my feelings now, but ultimately decide I shouldn't while we're half in the hallway. 

Eventually she breaks the hug and invites me in with a big smile on her face.

“I thought you'd be on crutches.”

She shakes her head and points to her knee, “Just this brace. It’s a kind of minor tear it turns out.” She sighs, “I still can't play basketball on it, though. It might heal on its own, but it will take forever. So I'll probably still do surgery so I can play sooner.”

I take her hand, “I'm sorry. This really sucks. I know I can't really do anything. B-but…if I can do anything at all to help, let me know.”

She smiles and looks at me with her beautiful blue eyes, “Just that hug and…you being here has me feeling lots better.”

My heart starts beating faster.

She sits down on her bed and pats on the space next to her. I accept her invitation.

Just as I'm thinking this might be an opportune time to tell her my feelings she says, “So, tell me about how things went with your mom.”

Oh. Riiight. My mom. Right now my brain is filled to the brim with Kay, I kind of forgot about her…

“Oh. They were good. I'm glad she's getting help. And…she even stayed sober for your game, which is an unusual thing, let me tell you.”

“That's great!”

Alright, enough of this. It's important, sure, but we can talk about it after she's my girlfriend too. And we can talk more about her knee too. But I need to get the ball rolling. I think it'll be easier if she's touching me.

“C-can we um, lay down? I'm a little tired.”

Kay smiles and lays on her side and I reflexively lay down on my side with my back up against her. She puts her arms around me and pulls me close to her. My heart starts beating so fast and hard that I feel like there is no way she can't hear it.

I laugh, “Sh-shouldn't I be holding you ? You're the one who is hurt. And going through something really hard. I should be comforting you .”

She gives me a squeeze, “Holding you is very comforting. It's like…probably my favorite thing.”

My heart starts beating even faster.

Yeah. Okay. I just have to tell her.

“I um…I have something really important. L-like…life-changing I need to tell you. Something good!”

“Really? I'm listening.”

I take a deep breath and exhale. 

“I…um…I realized recently that I…um…I…”

I probably shouldn’t be so nervous. She likes me. Everyone thinks so. So why am I having a hard time saying it?

Kay sounds understandably confused by my sputtering, “You realized…what?”

“You know what? Let me just…show you. It might be easier.”

I roll over and see a very confused Kay.

She must never have thought this would happen. She never told me about her feelings, after all. She must be so scared I'm going to reject her. 

Well, I'm about to surprise her. And make her very happy.

I smile at her, put my hand on her cheek and gently press my lips against hers. 

As I do, time seems to slow down. Her soft, warm lips feel so nice against mine. I feel her hand move down from shoulder to my chest. For a split second I'm a little nervous about what she might be doing down there, but then I decide to just go with it. I've never let anyone touch me there. But she can. I want her to.

But…her hand stops well above my breasts, and instead she uses her hand to gently, but firmly push me away. I pull back, confused, and see that she looks horrified.

I'm shocked by her reaction, and think maybe I’m misreading something. But what she does next proves that I'm not.

She moves as far away from me as she can without getting off the bed, “Wh-why did you do that!?”

To say that I feel crushed would be an understatement.

 I can't believe I got this so wrong. I can't believe she doesn't feel the same about me.  

I quickly roll over and sit up, turning my back to her, “Because I…really like you, Kay. Like…as a girlfriend. I thought you…felt the same.” I start to sniffle and hug myself. I do my best to fight back my tears, though. It isn't fair for me to make her feel bad if this is how she feels. It’s my fault for making what was apparently a very foolish assumption.

She puts her hand on my back, which is less soothing than usual. “I-I'm so sorry Em. I'm not…I d-don't dat-”

I interrupt her and stand up, “Yeah…I got that. Um…I'm just…I'm gonna go. I need to be alone.”

To my surprise, Kay yells “W-wait!”. When I turn back around, I see her sitting on the bed and crying. She's rubbing her eyes like a little kid as tears come pouring down her cheeks.

I'm completely stunned.

She may have just rejected me but I certainly don't want to see her like this, “Wh-what's wrong?”

She sniffles, “A-am I going to lose you again?”

I don't hesitate, “No. Of course not. We're the Alphabet Girls.”

She looks up at me and smiles softly, “Okay. Good.” She wipes her tears and bows her head, “I'm sorry I just did…something so mean to you and then made it about me. I shouldn’t be crying when I just-”

“I-it's okay. You weren’t mean. You…just told me how you feel. I just need a little time.” I laugh, “And not like 9 years. Just a day or two…I think.” I sigh, “I'm sorry I promised to be here for you with your injury, and now I'm running out on you.”

“I-it's fine. I'll be injured for a while. You can help when you're ready.”

I nod, thankful that she's being understanding, and leave her dorm room.

…

When I get back to my room I hurl myself on my bed and let myself cry and think about this crappy situation.

Well, that sucked. Hard. 

How ridiculous is it that I was so worried about rejecting her for so long, but in the end, she's the one who rejected ME?

I was also convinced she was gay. Was I somehow seeing my own repressed gayness in her this whole time? 

Like, she isn't even gay. It's not like I had any proof she was, but I just started to assume after that night when Ella ‘warned’ me about her.

I'M SO STUPID!

I sigh.

Ashley and J.J. thought she liked me too. That makes me feel a little better. They are more experienced with this stuff and they made the same mistake.

And like…yeah, she and I do a lot of stuff most friends don't do. But apparently for her it really WAS the ‘childhood friend' thing. 

Kay's bawling face flashes in my head.

She was so scared I was going to ditch her again. I guess it makes sense she got so upset. She had to do the thing I was so worried about for months. 

I sigh loudly.

Things just ended up all backwards, didn't they?

After crying and thinking for a little while, I call J.J.

When she picks up I say, “Well…you and Ashley were wrong about Kay. So, thanks for that.”

“What?! No way! You're messing with me, right? You two just made passionate love and you're actually calling to tell me you're together. She's listening in on the call, too. R-right?”

I sigh, “ Wrong . I have the tears to prove it.” I sniffle loudly.

“ Shit. I'm…I'm so sorry, Emily. That really sucks.”

I snort, “Yeah, no shit. ”

After that she asks to come over. At first I think maybe I want to be alone. But ultimately, I relent. Talking about it with her could do me some good.

When she arrives, I lay on my side and snuggle my pillow, and she pulls up my desk chair to sit in front of me. I tell her everything that happened. All the details.

She sighs and shakes her head when I finish, “I'm really sorry. I was so sure. But…guess I’m an idiot.”

“ Yeah. You really are.”

She laughs, “There's my spicy girl. You hadn't quite seemed yourself so far tonight. But you did right there.”

“I think I'd have to be unconscious not to be.”

She rolls her eyes and puts her hand on my shoulder, “Seriously though, how are you feeling?”

“Not…great. I'm an idiot too. I thought it was a foregone conclusion that she liked me. That…like, this whole time Kay was just waiting around hoping I would fall for her. And that she'd be so happy when she found out.”

Kay's horrified face flashes in my mind. I grimace.

“So…getting rejected…when I hadn't even considered the possibility was…soul crushing.”

J.J. grimaces, “I can imagine.”

I sigh, “But…my soul will uncrush. Even if she doesn't want to be with me like that…I know she still cares about me a lot. And…she's a great friend who I want in my life. This doesn’t change that.”

She nods, “You're a better woman than me. I break off all contact when I get rejected.”

I laugh, “You've been rejected…a lot?”

She nods and silently counts on her fingers, “Four times. Being gay can be hard. Never can be sure who else is gay, you know?”

I laugh wryly, “As this situation shows us.”

She grimaces and nods, “I've liked…lots of straight girls. So, yeah. I’ve been where you are.”

“What a wonderful thing to look forward to.”

She pats me on the shoulder, “Well, I'll be here for you if it happens again.”

“Hey…thank you, J.J.”

She laughs wryly, “For what, being completely wrong about Kara? Pushing you to realize your unrequited feelings for her? I basically sent you down a path to feeling like crap.”

I chuckle, “You're right. That all sucks . But…you and Ashley helped me realize I was gay. Even though I got rejected I feel like…a more complete person ever since I realized. I can tell this is right. That this is who I am.”

She knits her eyebrows and looks away from me with her hand over her mouth, “Shit. Y-you're gonna make me cry if you keep saying things like that.”

I laugh, “Well, join the club. Anyway, who knows how long it would have taken me to figure it out otherwise.”

She laughs, “Maybe once you were married with three kids in the suburbs and you had the hots for your daughter's jacked P.E. teacher.”

I hit her with my pillow, and then we laugh hysterically. It leaves me feeling much better than I did before.

If nothing else, this whole thing made me a lot closer to J.J. 

You know what?

She's an Alphabet Girl after all.

I'm more than a little annoyed the next morning when I have a text from Kay asking if we can talk. I told her to give me a day or two, and I'm very surprised that she isn’t giving that to me. She's normally such a considerate person.

But ultimately, I couldn't say no to her. She texted me at 3 a.m., which tells me she was up late thinking about things. And she said it was important.

I realized I also have a few things I'd like to ask her about, so it’s fine. 

Some small part of me is hoping she had a gay awakening in her dreams, but I'm mostly ignoring that irrational thought. 

She comes to my room around noon, and is more than a little awkward. She goes to sit on the bed next to me, but aborts part way and sits down at my desk.

“S-so um…J.J. apologized to me last night.”

“Huh? Apologized for what?”

“She said…for assuming I was gay.  She said you told her I was straight?”

I'm a little stunned that this is where we are starting.

“Um…yep. Because you said you are.”

“No, I didn't.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“No, I didn't.”

“ Yes , you did. ”

“No, I didn't.”

My temper boils over, “Yes you freaking did! What's the point in all this?”

She bows her head and shrinks into her chair, making me feel bad.

I sigh, “Sorry, Kay. I'm…a little on edge. Just…what are you trying to say?”

“W-will you keep it a secret? No one knows. No one.”

I'm so lost right now. But I would never tell anyone her secret. Whatever it is.

“Yes, I'll keep it a secret.”

She frowns and runs her hand through her hair, “I'm…messed up.” 

“Messed…up?”

She nods and looks down at her hands with more than a little shame on her face, “I've never felt…attracted to someone. Like…physically. I don't think about any of that stuff. Dating, kissing…” She trails off and whispers, “…m-m-making love. It's like…a language I don't understand.”

I feel utterly confused. I think back to what she said yesterday. It's a moment in time I can recall quite easily because of the emotional impact it had on me. I close my eyes and hear her say:

“I-I'm so sorry Em. I'm not…I d-don't dat-”

I open my eyes, “So yesterday, you weren't going to say you don't date girls .”

She nods, “Just that I don't date . So…I'm not straight. But I'm not gay either. I'm not…anything. I'm just…a freak.” She slumps in the chair, “Just looking like a freak wasn't enough…”

She's so upset. Maybe it will weird her out, but I have to comfort her. Like I always have.

I get up off the bed and walk over to her. I put my hands on her shoulders and look her in her eyes.

“You're not a freak, Kay. You're you . And if this is how you feel, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Because you’re the most amazing person I know.”

Her lip quivers and then she stands up and hugs me tightly. Given my newfound attraction to her, I feel a little embarrassed to have our bodies this smooshed together, but I hug her back anyway.

She sniffles, “I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this part of me. I should have. If I did, maybe you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

“It's okay. I can see that it is really hard for you to share.” As we continue to hug, I realize there's something I want to know. So I ask, “Can I um…talk to you about something?”

She breaks the hug and says, “About what?”

“J-just…about um…us, I guess.”

She nods and sits back down. I stay standing in front of her, “So um…we probably need to stop being so…physical.”

“Physical?”

“Yeah like…holding hands, snuggling, sleeping together, long hugs…like that one.”

She looks crestfallen, “W-we have to stop?”

“Yeah. It's just…that's relationship stuff for people our age. And now that I have feelings for you…”

She wrings her hands together, looking very dejected, “O-okay.”

I don't understand her. At all. Didn't she just say she doesn't get this sort of thing? Why does she seem so disappointed?

I scratch my head, “Can I ask you something?”

She nods.

“You like doing all those things with me?”

She nods again, “Like I said last night…snuggling with you is my favorite thing. B-but if it's better to stop, we can.”

“How do you feel when we do those things?”

She smiles softly and looks off to the side, “Happy. Like…a warm feeling in my chest. Like…it's just the two of us.”

I can't help but smile, “Really?”

She nods confidently.

“That's…how I feel. Well, these days there's also a rapid heartbeat and a strong desire to kiss you.”

Kay blushes and looks away, “O-oh.”

I laugh, “Sorry. So…you'd say that us doing those things is special to you? Like…something only we do?”

She nods, “Of course.”

“Huh. Interesting.”

I sit down on my bed and think for a moment.

I guess I didn't completely misread things. Neither did Ashley or J.J. I think she DOES like me. Just…in her own way.

This might be a really bad idea, but…

“I-if…cuddling with me and stuff is special to you…I think I want to keep doing it. It's special to me too.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well…yeah. Even if you don't feel…attraction the same way I do, it sounds like we feel the same about each other apart from that. You think it's something intimate and special between us, right?”

She nods, “I've never wanted to do it with anyone else. And I don't want to do it with anyone else.” Her face turns bright red and she looks away,  "But…won't you want…m-more?”

“I don't know. It's possible. But I won’t do anything you don't want me to. I won’t ever do something again without asking you about it first. L-like…how I kissed you last night.”

“Won’t this…be really hard on you?”

I hesitate for a moment, “I don’t know. I-if it gets too hard for me we'll stop. And if you're ever uncomfortable we'll stop. I just…I want to be closer with you…in whatever way you are comfortable.”

“Closer?”

“Yeah just…maybe we can try to keep on doing the stuff you are comfortable with. Just…a little more often? And maybe…spend a little more time together?”

She smiles, “I'd like that. That sounds really good to me. I trust you more than anyone so…I know you'll respect my boundaries.”

I smile back, “O-okay. How about we um…do your favorite thing right now?”

I lay down on my bed and Kay laughs and then comes and lies down next to me. I roll over and she puts her arms around me so that our bodies are up against one another.

My heart begins its usual dance.

My instinct now is to do…other less wholesome physical stuff with her when we get this close. 

But I also really like this. And she's still showing me affection. And I know how much she cares about me.

And that's what matters the most to me.

Chapter Text

“So…is…congratulations in order, or…?”

We're in Kay's room. Kay and I are sitting on her bed and holding hands. J.J. is sitting across from us. She turned the desk chair around and is resting her arms on it with a confused look on her face.

She was just filled in on everything that happened between me and Kay. 

I convinced Kay we should tell her because she was so involved in everything and she really cares about us. And because I think it’s good for Kay to tell someone else about the fact that she doesn't feel attraction like most people. I knew that J.J. would be nothing but accepting about that. And I was right.

But that doesn’t mean she isn’t confused about the kind of relationship Kay and I have.

I'm pretty confused too, to be honest. But I know Kay and I have a special relationship that got a little more special yesterday. So, I'm happy about it.

At almost the same time Kay and I say, “Sure.”

J.J. laughs, “Congratulations, then. You're definitely in sync.” 

She pauses for a moment and looks at each of us in turn before raising an eyebrow. “So like…you guys are… what are you exactly?”

Shoot, we didn't really define things. 

I look at Kay, letting her answer the question. 

I want to say ‘girlfriend’ but she may not be comfortable with that.

Kay matter of factly replies, “We're very close friends.”

We've always used ‘best friends’ in the past. I'm happy she thinks things are different now.

J.J. looks at me for a moment as if to say, ‘you're really okay with this?’ I give her a subtle nod.

Ugh maybe we should have kept this a secret since she's teasing us so much.

Although, someone knowing about our newly minted very close friendship does make it feel more ‘official.’ 

…

J.J. and I just left Kay's room. I'm heading to my room to get my pajamas and stuff before staying the night with Kay.

On the way, J.J. asks me if she can stop by my room for a minute. I have a feeling I know what she wants to talk about and while I kind of want to avoid it, she has done enough for me that I can humor her. And talking about it with someone else probably won't hurt.

When we get to my room, my suspicion proves correct.

The moment my door closes J.J. asks, “So like…you're really okay with all that?”

“Yeah. I am.”

She looks at me incredulously, “I'm just making sure you aren't like…forcing yourself to be okay with it.”

“I'm not.”

She sighs in confusion, “But like…don't you want to jump her bones?”

I nod as I feel my cheeks get hot.

“Then how does this work?”

I shrug, “It…it might not, okay? But…I want to try it. Respecting her boundaries but still…being with her. She's too important to me for me not to try.”

J.J. nods, “Okay. I guess…I get it.” She shakes her head, “ Sort of. Man, if Ashley completely withheld all that physical stuff, I think I'd bounce.”

I scoff, “Whatever. You're totally in love with her. And you barely get to have sex with her right now. If it was all about sex you would have dumped her by now.”

“Well…that's true. But sex is still like…part of why I love her. It isn't everything I love about being with her, but it's definitely part of it.”

“Yeah. That's great for you two. But maybe it won't be for us. It doesn't have to be the same.”

J.J. nods and looks a little ashamed, “Yeah…you're right. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I know you're just looking out for us.”

“Yeah. I am.” 

She surprises me by hugging me for the first time since we met, “I know you're both happy. And that's what matters. I just wanted to make sure.”

I'm waiting for Kay in the dining hall. She had a doctor's appointment this morning for her knee, and I'm a little anxious to see how it went. I'm not left waiting for too long though. Kay joins me at the table with a worried look on her face, which makes me nervous.

“H-how was the appointment?”

“Um…good, I guess. They scheduled the surgery for next week.”

“Well…that's good, isn't it? The sooner it is, the sooner you can play basketball.”

She nods and looks embarassed,  “W-would you mind coming with me to the hospital for the surgery?”

I smile, as I get a flashback to going with her to see her pediatrician when we were little. She wouldn't go without me. I held her little hand when she got all her shots.

I am sure there have been many doctor visits without me since then. But that doesn't have to be true anymore. 

“You still don't like going to the doctor, huh?”

She shakes her head both bashfully and adorably, “I-I…wanted to ask you to come to the appointment today, b-but got embarrassed that I was being a baby. And didn't want you to miss class. I figured asking for you to come to a surgery was less childish.”

I laugh and put my hand on hers, “Of course I'll come. And I would have gone to today's appointment too.”

Kay, her parents, and I are at the hospital. They just took her back and put her in a hospital gown and hooked up her IV. She's in a holding area now. They have her in a hospital bed that is only just barely big enough for her and there's a curtain drawn around us. There's no chairs, so her parents and I are standing around her.

She looks really, really scared. I'm hoping they put some drugs in her soon to help. In the meantime, I can do my best to help a little.

I ruffle her hair, making her laugh and look a little less worried, “Pretty soon you'll be beating me at HORSE again.”

She laughs, “I think I could do that tomorrow .”

I cross my arms in faux anger, “ Hey , I'm not that bad. You'll have crutches after this too!”

She smiles, “I know. I'm saying I I can beat you on one leg and one arm.”

I sigh and uncross my arms, “Yeah, you probably could.”

Just as we finish our silly conversation, a nurse comes in and says it's time. Kay's face goes back to being scared. 

I squeeze her hand, “I'll be here when you wake up, okay?”

She nods and gives my hand a squeeze, “Okay.”

After that, her parents give her some encouragement too, and they take Kay to the operating room.

…

Kay's parents and I just arrived in the surgical waiting area. There's a big electronic board that shows the status of everyone in surgery. Right when I find Kay's number, it switches from ‘holding area’ to ‘in surgery.’

I tell Kay's parents about this and then take a seat. Then, they both take a moment to warmly smile at me. I feel my cheeks get hot.

What do they know? Kay isn't like me. She tells her parents everything. So they probably know about our…sort-of-relationship. No way they would be smiling like that otherwise.

Ugh, and I guess I was just very affectionate with her. Maybe she didn't need to tell them.

I start to get worried when they sit down on either side of me.

Her mom says, “It's very nice of you to come for Kara. Just like when she was a little girl.”

I laugh, “Yep. I regret missing so many doctors all those years.” I look down at my hands and wring them together, “I'm…sorry I let her down back then.”

I'm surprised when I feel a hand on my back, but then I notice it feels quite nostalgic. This is a hand that has comforted me many times. I look up and see Mrs. Olson smiling warmly at me, “You don't need to apologize. You've been here for her any time you could be.”

I'm embarrassed when I feel my lip tremble from her statement, so I look down.

She does tell her parents everything. Maybe they know all about my adulterous dad and alcoholic mom.

“H-how much has she told you?”

Mr. Olson replies, “We don't know anything other than what we knew back then. Which wasn't much. But we're smart enough to know that whatever happened with your parents was out of your control, and it must have been very hard.”

“I-it…was. And still is sometimes. Thank you for understanding. I promise I won't let her down like that again.”

Mrs. Olson smiles with a hint of mischievousness, “I believe you. Kara recently said you two had become very close friends.”

My heart starts pounding.

Oh God. How do I talk to them about this?

“Sh-she did, huh? Yeah um…we…are close.”

Mr. Olson chuckles, “She may not have told us about your parents. But we know everything about you two.”

I look down, embarrassed, “O-oh…I see.”

Mrs. Olson's hand returns to my back, helping me feel a little better, “Thank you for supporting her about her…feelings. She said she only had the courage to tell us because you accepted her.”

Wow. She meant it when she said that no one knew. I thought maybe her parents did. But she even hid it from them.

I smile, “I'm glad she told you. And feeling more comfortable with herself.”

Mr. Olson winks, “Basically we're saying…we approve of your relationship with our daughter. Wholeheartedly.”

Just as I'm about to thank him for his kind words, Mrs. Olson smiles chimes in, “As long as you come over for dinner a little more often.”

I laugh, “I…I will, I promise.”

I was super stressed about having this conversation, but now that I have, I feel so much better.

I've been avoiding them because I didn't want to talk about my parents, but it looks like they understand that whole thing is a mess that I don't want to talk about.

And now that that stressor is gone, I want to spend time with them. I liked them so much when I was a little. 

So I'll definitely go over for dinner more often.

I'm very cozy in bed and mostly asleep. But, I can hear something that tells me I need to get up. It sounds…like someone is crying. But it's kind of muffled.”

I fight my instinct on going back to sleep and focus on the sound.

I open my eyes and get my bearings. I see a room that is familiar, but not what I was expecting.

Oh yeah. We're at Kay's parents’ house.

Her surgery went well and she was discharged from the hospital a couple hours after she woke up. 

I see Kay turned on her side facing away from me. Her shoulders are shaking from the effort of holding in her tears.

Worried, I scoot close to her and put my arm around her.

“Is your knee hurting you?”

She does her best to sound confident and not upset, “S-sorry…I didn't want to wake you up. It's nothing. Go back to sleep.”

I scoff, “You know, part of the deal of being ‘very close friends’ is you absolutely have to wake me up if you're crying, okay? Now answer my question.”

She sighs, “It’s not my knee. W-well…not that it hurts, anyway.”

“Ah…but you're worried about it?”

She nods and then rolls over very carefully and slowly. I see the tears on her face and frown. She must have been crying for a while before my sleepy self heard her.

She sniffles, “I love playing basketball. And I wanted to play as long as I could. At least through college…and maybe professionally if I was good enough.”

“You don't think you still can?”

She shrugs, “I dunno. Maybe. But I keep getting hurt. I'm starting to think I'm just injury prone. I-it looks less likely I can pull it off for sure.”

“I get you. That would suck.”

“It might not be so bad if I looked like a regular person.”

“But…Kay, you-”

She raises her voice and interrupts me, “What's even the point in me looking like this if I can't even p-p-play!?” All the tears she's been holding back break through, and she starts bawling. I hug her and she buries her face in my chest as she cries. I stroke her hair and try to think of what I can possibly say to make her feel even a little bit better.

I thought she was feeling better about her body since our shopping trip. That was silly though. It probably takes more than one outing with me to make her feel better about something she's been self-conscious about for a long time.

Once she settles down I’m surprised when she sniffles and says, “Boobs are comfy. And comforting. I bet my chest isn't.”

I laugh, “I happen to like your chest. It's plenty comfy and I know from experience. I’ve cried into it many times at this point. And it always makes me feel better.”

“Yeah…if you say so.”

“Maybe…you don't want to hear it, Kay. If it makes you uncomfortable just…tell me.

But I really like your body. I have since that day in the changing room. And…I like to get a look at it any chance I can.”

Way to sound like a pervert, Emily! She's definitely going to feel uncomfortable when you sound like a lecherous old man.

Kay laughs, “Really?”

Oh thank God, she's not freaked out.

“Yep! And I'll do whatever it takes to get you to see how amazing your body is and how pretty you are.”

She smiles, “I-it always helps some, you telling me that.”

“Good. I know it doesn't solve the problem, though…that you keep getting hurt, and it's keeping you from doing what you want to.”

She puts her forehead on mine, “No. It doesn't. But you help me cope with it.”

Since we became ‘very close friends’ Kay has been finding some nice ways to show me affection. Things she didn't used to do.

This one's pretty nice. It's the first time we've tried it.

Except…I want to kiss her SO freaking bad. Her lips are like…an inch from mine. And she's so freaking pretty!

But…that's not what she wants. Deep breaths, Emily. Respect her boundaries.

Oh wait. We were having a conversation, weren't we? Better check back in.

“Good. And like…even if you can't play basketball, I bet you'd be a really good coach. I mean, you taught someone like me about basketball, who knew nothing.”

“That's true…”

“And like…you were made a captain as a freshman for a reason. I think you're a good leader and mentor. And…you really care about the team and the players. I've seen it.”

“Yeah…I do.”

I nod, “So…even in the worst case, you don’t ever have to give up on basketball entirely.”

She rolls on her back and mulls things over for a moment, “You're right. I love playing…but I also really like studying the game and stuff. Teaching it too. Maybe I'll talk to coach about that.”

I nod, feeling satisfied.

She gives me a hug, “Thanks for comforting me. And talking through things. I'll definitely wake you up next time now that I know the power of boobs.”

I laugh, “Well…you can use them any time you like.” I realize what I said and panic, “I-I mean…for comfort, I didn't mean-”

She laughs, “I know what you mean. Don't worry.”

I breathe a sigh of relief, “Okay. Good.”

She gives me her serious face and sighs, “You got worried about something you said like twice in three minutes.”

“I did?”

“Yeah. Telling me you like looking at my body and then the boob thing.”

“O-oh. Well um…yeah, I did. I just don't want to say something that crosses a line. And it seemed like…those were close.”

She scoffs. “I don't want you to feel like you're walking on eggshells around me. I trust you, okay? I know you won't ever do anything like that on purpose. So don't worry so much about that stuff.”

“Okay. You're…right. But…for real, if I ever say or do something that makes you uncomfortable, tell me.”

She smiles and puts her forehead on mine again, “I will. But if I don't say anything, you don't worry. Deal?”

I smile back, “Deal.”

I should have known that she would be just as understanding about how I feel as I am about how she feels.

I think that means we can make this work. And that makes me really happy.

Chapter Text

Finals are over. I think I probably got straight A's, which I never did in high school. I enjoy the classes here so much more. Of course, being much happier here than I ever was at home might help.

I'm 99% sure I'm going to major in history. I haven't declared yet, though. Mostly because I know Dr. Aines will be smug and silly about it. He deserves to be, since he got me interested in it. But I don't feel like dealing with that right now.

Now it's the beginning of Winter Break, and I kind of don't want to go home. That's hilarious since I was counting the days until Winter Break when the semester began, and now here I am sad about going home. Luckily I'm not going home for the whole break.

Today is December 17th and I'm going home on the 21st. My mom is still in rehab, but gets out December 22nd.  She sounds like she's doing really well there which makes me very happy. I feel less stressed about her already and I'm excited to see her, even if I'll miss Kay.

It's been about six weeks since Kay and I started our ‘very close friendship,’ and things are going pretty well with us.

She is still using crutches for her knee, but only has to for one more week. She might be able to play again by the very end of the season. The team has struggled some without her, losing about half their games. They have won the last three though, since switching to a smaller, faster starting line up. J.J. has started those three games and played great.

Ever since our talk a few weeks ago, Kay is doing a lot better about not being able to play. She isn't one to brag, but J.J. has told me that she has become like an extra assistant coach at practice and in the weight room, and the head coach is thrilled about it because she's doing such a good job mentoring and motivating the other girls.

She always travels with the team on the road, and I feel a little lonely when she does, but I know that she's really enjoying herself. Almost as much as when she is playing. And I shouldn't keep her all to myself anyway.

Kay and I are snuggling in my bed right now and it's pretty heavenly. It's December in South Dakota, so it's absolutely glacial outside. That makes these cozy snuggles even better.

I'm lying on my back and she's on her side with her arm around my waist and her head on my shoulder. I'm lightly stroking her hair.

That is, until Kay decides to bring something up that ruins the mood entirely.

“You know how you feel way better about your mom now that you two have talked about her drinking?”

Ugh, I know where this is going.

I reply, “Yeah…” 

“Well…it makes me really happy that you feel better about that whole situation. I think…you'd feel the same if you talked with your dad.”

I scoff and roll over dramatically, “It's not the same. What my dad did is way more fu -....” I stop myself, substituting a less profane word for Kay's sake, “… messed up. My mom only ended up that way because of him.”

She scoots closer and puts her arms around me. I want to escape her hold to show her how annoyed I am, but then she nuzzles her nose into the back of my neck and I relax completely. She hasn't done this before. 

It feels…really nice any time she finds a new way to show me affection. She might not want to kiss or do other stuff but…this is pretty damn intimate. 

She quietly says, “I know it's not the same. And you don't even have to forgive him. But it would be good to talk, wouldn't it?”

Is she secretly a mastermind? Her little nuzzle completely annihilated my bad mood and now I can't say no to her.

I sigh, “I guess. I'll see if he's ready to talk about it. Maybe .”

Another nose nuzzle on the back of my neck disarms me again, “Don't worry. He's ready. I talked to him about it.”

“You…did?”

She laughs and then nuzzles me again, “Yep. He told me he's ready to talk about it whenever.”

She's definitely a mastermind.

I'm at my dad's house. It's just the two of us, sitting across from each other at the dining room table. We both have a steaming cup of Mexican hot chocolate in front of us. Spicy and chocolate go so well together, so I'm enjoying the drink.

But…we've just been awkwardly sitting in silence for several minutes. I'm starting to worry that we need Kay around to even function. Maybe we should try again with her around.

But then my dad says, “I want you to know that I loved your mother. I think…I still do. I’ve never really stopped missing her. Or regretting what I did.”

I cross my arms and roll my eyes, “Yeah? Then maybe you shouldn't have fucked some other woman.”

He crosses his arms and shakes his head, “Can we at least keep this a little civil? I cheated on your mother. It was a terrible thing to do. I understand I hurt you both, and I wish I could take it back, but please speak to me like I’m your father.”

I want to blow up at him for a split second. Tell him he doesn't deserve to be treated that way because of what he did.

But then…I imagine the gentle and encouraging smile Kay would give me if she were here, and let go of my anger. 

I sigh, “Fine. Sorry. You’re right. I just got pissed off. Like always. I'll…keep it in check.” I take a deep breath to steady myself, “Just…how could you love mom and do that to her?”

He sighs, “I don't know.”

“You're going to need to do better than that, Dad. You must know. If you really regret it all, you must have thought about it.”

“You're right.” He sighs, “I was at kind of a low point in my life.” He laughs wryly, “Or…so I thought. Turns out it got a lot lower.”

“Why did you feel that way? You had a family and a good job.”

“Yeah, I did.” He starts to stir his cocoa, causing more steam to come billowing out, “But look…when we moved here, it was just supposed to be for a short time. I'd use this school as a jumping off point to get a job somewhere bigger and better. Somewhere…on the east coast, I always promised your mom that's where we would end up.”

I frown, “Oh.”

“Yep. And your mom never complained, to her credit. Not outwardly. But…I knew she wasn't happy here. Her family is out there. She had way better job opportunities out there too. She didn't like her job at the university mental health clinic that much. She wanted to work with kids.”

He frowns and looks down, “Any time I applied for a job or had an interview in New England, she would light up with excitement. But…try as a might, it turns out bigger universities didn't want me. I applied for almost 100 jobs, had interviews on campus for 20 of them…but never got any of them. Telling your mom after each of those…that I didn't get the job. It…wore me down.”

That's…so much rejection. 

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and takes a drink of his cocoa. He puts it down and continues.

“That made me feel like a professional failure. But I felt like a failure personally too, because I let down your mom. I had…a very low opinion of myself.  It made it hard for me to face her. To be with her. It wasn't anything she did, it was how I felt about myself.”

“That…sounds really hard. I had no idea.”

He nods and smiles at me, “Good thing Kara bullied us into talking, huh?”

I laugh, “Yeah.  So…I get all that. You felt bad about yourself and like a failure. How does…what's-her-name enter the picture?”

He raised his eyebrows, “Are you sure you want those details?”

“Yeah. I do. I'm trying to understand. I'll…stay calm,” I chuckle, “Probably.”

He hesitates for a moment but then says, “Well…she was a new professor here, and we just met and hit it off. We were in the same field, and she knew my work. She was…effusive with praise for how I taught, how I wrote, my research methods. It was what I needed to hear. That I wasn't a f-failure.” 

My dad starts to get choked up. It's the first time I've ever seen that. He starts clearing his throat in an effort to keep his tears at bay. 

I move to the chair next to him and scoot closer to him, before giving him a hug. It's our first hug since that day I caught him cheating on my mom. The first hug between father and daughter in 10 years.

“Just cry, if you need to, okay? You don't have to be manly in front of me.”

He hugs me back, “A-anyway. She made me feel good about myself. The opposite of how I felt around your mother. So I started spending more time with her at work, and then we saw each other after work, a-and then it became…physical. I’m s-so s-s-sorry, Emily…” He starts to sob, almost like a child would, gasping for air and making high pitched hiccup-like sounds. I hold him tighter as I start to cry too. 

I thought this whole time that my dad was just an asshole playboy. But it's way more complicated than that. It certainly doesn't excuse cheating on my mom, and he knows that. He should have told my mom he felt like a failure. They should have talked about it. It’s on him that they didn't. 

But I can better understand how he ended up making this mistake. And…

“I forgive you.”

He pulls away from me and wipes his tears, “Y-you do?”

“I do. It was a long time ago. And you regret it. It’s…about time.”

He nods, “Th-thank you.”

“Do you…still think you're a failure?”

He shrugs, “I feel better about myself professionally now than I did then. I really love the university here. I got a book published by a major press. So…that part of my life is going really well.”

He folds his hands and looks down at them,  “But…I also destroyed my family. I made my wife and daughter flee across the country from me. I made you hate me.  And I was left all alone because of my own stupid mistakes. So…even if I don’t feel like a professional failure anymore, I’m still a failure in all the ways that matter.”

I sniffle, “I…never hated you, dad.”

“You didn’t? But you never talk to me. Even when you came to visit, you just locked yourself in your room. And when we did talk you would just yell at me.”

I shake my head, “I have been pissed at you for 10 years, but it was never hate .” I sigh, “I…probably should have been more…forgiving, though.”

He laughs, “You were 9 when this all started. The onus wasn’t on you.”

“I guess that’s true…but I still feel like I shouldn’t have shut you out so much. Especially seeing how much you hurt. I…I had no idea. Kay was right…we both needed this."

I'm surprised to see a little smirk on my dad's face, “Can I ask you something kind of personal?”

“U-um…sure?”

“Is Kara your girlfriend?”

I laugh awkwardly and scratch the back of my head, “Why do you ask?”

“Well…every time I see you two, it seems like there's something extra between you.”

“Extra?”

“Yeah. Something other than friendship. Am I wrong?”

“You're…not wrong…not exactly, at least.”

He smiles, “So she's your girlfriend?”

I shake my head, “Kind of. We say we are ‘very close friends.’ I have feelings for her. And she knows. And she has like…sort of romantic feelings for me, but it's not quite the same as how I feel. I’m like…special to her. And…we do some couple stuff.” I feel my face flush, “L-like hold hands and snuggle. And sleep together  - literally, I mean. Not the other kind.”

Unsurprisingly, my father looks confused, “Oh. She's not sure about her feelings but wants to do those things?”

“I wouldn't say she's unsure. She is sure. She just feels stuff differently. She feels…a really deep connection with me. Just like I do for her. But she says she doesn't feel…attraction. She never has for anyone.”

My dad nods and says “Oh. She's asexual,” like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

“A…sexual?”

My dad nods, “It's a more recently acknowledged orientation. It means she doesn’t feel attraction or desire sex.”

“H-how do you know about this?”

He laughs, “I'm a sociologist, Emily.”

“Well yeah but like…you teach Criminology. And your book is about prison gangs.”

He nods, “That's true, but I keep up with other areas of Sociology, too.”

I scratch my head, “So she's…asexual.” I smile, “I think she'll be happy to know that there's a word for it. She thinks she's the only person who feels that way.”

He nods, “She definitely isn't.”

I fidget in my chair, “Can…someone who is asexual…love someone else? Like…romantically?”

“I'm definitely not an expert. But as I understand it, they can. Attraction is only one part of love and romance, after all.”

I nod, mulling over what he said, “That's good to know. That maybe she'll love me one day.”

Without hesitation my dad says, “I think she already does.”

“Really?”

He nods seriously, “Yes. She takes your happiness very seriously, as I learned a few months back when she lectured me. And she bullied us into finally talking about the past for a reason.”

I smile, “Yeah. I do think I may ask her…about calling our relationship something else. Like…I just want to say she's my girlfriend. Just calling her my ‘very close friend’ doesn't feel like enough. I'm a little worried I'll scare her away, though. I don't want to disrupt what we have.”

“Well, as we've just discussed I'm not the best person to get relationship advice from. But…I think you're special to her. So, even if she isn't ready to be your girlfriend, I don't think she's going to dump you for bringing it up, either.”  

I take a deep breath and exhale, “Yeah. You're right. I needed to hear that. Also, thanks for being a cool dad who hasn't even batted an eye at his daughter being gay.”

He laughs, “I'm a cultured man, Emily. Do you really think I would be opposed? I haven't lived here that long.”

“Well, no , not opposed. But it would be understandable if you were surprised. But then…mom wasn't either. And a couple of friends figured it out before I did.” I laugh wryly, “I think I might be the only person on the planet who didn't know I was gay.”

…

It's the afternoon. I just got back from my dad's. And I'm just entering my dorm. Kay is up in my room. I need to talk to her now about this before I lose my courage.

Mere seconds after I enter the building, I hear J.J.’s familiar voice, “You look really nervous.”

I sigh and turn towards the voice and I'm not surprised at all when I see J.J. and Ashley. 

Ashley has been here for a few days, ever since her Winter Break started. J.J. has to stay here for the first few days of Winter Break, because they have a basketball game on the 19th. 

The two of them are playing pool. I have watched them a few times. It's entertaining. They get pretty into it and are super competitive with one another.

It's a challenge claiming the pool table in the athletic dorms, but I told them no one ever seems to be using the one in my dorm. So I have seen them in the lobby a lot lately. The lobby is especially deserted today, as only a handful of students are still on campus.

The two of them have paused their game and are both studying me.

“That's because I am nervous.”

Ashley smiles, “Ooo. Sounds juicy .”

I roll my eyes, “Glad my emotional distress is entertaining you.”

She laughs, “Sorry.”

“It's fine.” I look around the lobby, confirming it's deserted then turn back to my two friends. I still speak in a low voice, just in case, “I'm going to ask Kay if we can start saying ‘we're dating’ and calling each other ‘girlfriend.’”

Ashley looks apologetic, “Well get up there and do it! That way we can start calling our outings ‘double dates.’”

J.J. shakes her head as she leans on her pool stick, “Not cool, babe. Are you really making this about you?”

Ashley sighs, “Maybe. Kind of.” She looks down with her arms behind her back, “Sorry, Emily. I just…I know you're together. But I want you two to be able to say you're a couple, too. For you two. Not just for me!”

I laugh, “I know what you mean. Don't worry. Alright, I'm gonna head up there and do it.”

J.J. nods, “Good luck.”

…

“How did it go?”

I just got back to my room. Kay just let me in the door.

I am a little confused by the first question she asks me.

Oh yeah. My talk with my dad. I was so focused on having this conversation with Kay that I sort of forgot. That's pretty amazing given how important our conversation was.

I close the door behind me, “He…told me everything. I kind of get why he made his mistake, and he understands why I've been so upset with him. And like…it feels like a weight has been lifted. We had a really good heart-to-heart afterwards.” I take her hand and smile up at her,  “Thank you so much for helping me get to this point. I don't think it would have ever happened without you.”

Kay claps her hands together and gives me one of her big, beautiful smiles. And then something unexpected happens. Something very unexpected. She leans over and puts her lips on mine.

Completely stunned, I leave my eyes wide open at first. But then, I close them and push my lips against hers too. After a few seconds, she pulls away with a bright red face.

I smile up at her, “I…thought you didn't want to kiss.”

“I…wanted to try again. Because I know you want to. It seemed like a good time for one because I was so happy about how things went with your dad. And the other time I was too startled to really know if I liked it.”

“And?”

She smiles and touches her lips, “It…was nice.”

I give her a big smile and gesture for her to sit down, since she's on her crutches. We sit down on the bed, where I give her a tight squeeze, “It really was nice. I like all the stuff we've been doing but…kissing too adds like…this new thing we do, now that we're-”

“Now that we're what?”

Shit, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I remember what my dad said earlier. 

Jeez this is probably the first time I've ever followed my dad's advice. Let's hope it isn't a mistake.

I lock eyes with her, “Um…Kay…h-how do you feel about us being…girlfriends? And…s-saying we're dating. You know, like Ashley and J.J. Um…nothing has to change. Just what we call each other."

She forrows her brow for what feels like an agonizingly long time. But at the very least she doesn't look scared or anything. And she's seriously considering my proposal. That's all I can ask for.

Then she smiles and matter-of-factly  says, “Okay. You're my girlfriend.”

My heart skips a beat. Maybe two.

“R-really?”

She nods and lays back. Elated, I snuggle into the side of her chest. She puts her arm around me. 

“Since you told me about your feelings and we got…closer, I've thought about things. How I feel about you…it's unique. It's not how I feel about my parents or friends. I realized that…I'm in love with you.”

I'm so stunned and overjoyed by her statement that I'm silent. But then I notice she's looking at me and waiting for something. And she even looks a little nervous.

I admitted to myself a long time ago that I was in love with her. I sort of forgot I hadn't said those words to her, though. I wasn't sure if I should. But I am now.

“I love you too, Kay.”

She smiles, “I don't think we feel love exactly the same way. Because…we feel things differently. My heart doesn't pound like you say yours does. But I know I want to be around you more than anyone else. And you make me so happy. And I want you to be happy. And I like touching you. And…when you touch me.”

As if on cue I put my hand on her leg and she laughs.

Kay smiles, and leans in for another brief kiss. I reluctantly break the kiss this time, because I realize I forgot to tell her what I learned today. And it’s kind of important.

“Oh. Actually…about how you feel…differently than me. I learned something today.”

She knits her eyebrows, “You…what?”

I laugh, “My dad asked about you after we had our talk. He picked up on there being something between us so I told him about us.”

She nods, still looking confused.

“Well, he said there is an orientation called ‘asexual,’ where a person still feels love and romantic feelings, but not the sexual attraction part. I-I guess I'm saying…you're not alone, and you're not ‘messed up.’”

She smiles, “That's kind of nice to know. That there's a name for it. But you already helped me see that there's nothing wrong with me. And then J.J. and my parents, and Ashley too. None of you thought I was messed up. So I don't worry too much about it anymore.”

I smile ear to ear, “I'm glad you feel that way now.” I sigh happily as I look into her gorgeous blue eyes, “I'm so glad you're my girlfriend.”

I roll over and ask her to hold me. When she does. She nuzzles the back of my neck with her nose. Which is apparently her new move, and I am all for it.

I feel myself start to drift off to a nice afternoon nap with my girlfriend’s arms around me, feeling the happiest I've ever felt. 

I know that we probably have some hurdles in front of us. Kay will probably never want to do some of the most intimate things that couples usually do. Things that I will probably want to do one day. But she has boundaries and I'm going to respect them.

I'm sure that respect will be a struggle sometimes.

But no matter what, I know we'll both try our absolute hardest to make each other happy. I know we’ll try our hardest to stay together. We lost each other once for far too long. It won't happen again.

I open up my eyes and look at the sign from the treehouse above my bed, before closing my eyes and smiling to myself.

After all, we're the Alphabet Girls.

Chapter Text

Today is a pretty shitty day. But also a good day. Mixed feelings are strange.

After enjoying a few weeks of summer vacation at home with my girlfriend and family, I have to fly back across the country to my university for my summer classes and summer workouts for basketball. It kind of sucks that my summer break is so short, but it's part of being a college athlete.

Right now, my mom is driving me to the airport and my girlfriend, Ashley, is in the back seat with me. She's basically been glued to me for the whole 30 minute drive. She's leaning in to me with her arms around my waist and I can tell she is very reluctant to let me go. I'm reluctant too.

This is hard on both of us. We go to two different universities on opposite sides of the country. But we made it work for our entire Freshman year.  I wasn't sure how it would go, being in a long distance relationship. But we talk all the time and visit one another when we can. 

After being together for two and a half years and surviving a year of long distance and feeling closer to her than ever, I'm pretty sure we are going to be together forever, and I couldn’t be happier about that.

My mom pulls up to the departures area, “Okay girls, it’s time for Jazmin to go.”

Ashley lets out a loud sigh and sits up. She looks at me with tears in her beautiful green eyes.

I give her a smile and wipe her tears away, “I'll miss you. I love you. I'll text when I land. And call when I get to my dorm.”

She smiles, and a few tears trickle down her cheeks. I find myself thinking how beautiful she is, even when she's crying. She has these amazing bright green eyes, brown hair with red highlights that she usually keeps in a braid, and really fair, soft skin. Seeing her cry is somehow making me admire all of that even more. Probably because I know I look like a gremlin when I cry.

She sniffles a few times but then kisses me. I put my arms around her and hold her close, knowing this is the last time we'll be able to have our bodies together like this for at least a couple months.

Ashley's a college athlete too, and we both have busy lives because of it. But as long as we both keep loving each other I know we'll make this work.

Only when my mom pointedly clears her throat do we break our embrace. Ashley is bright red, making me laugh.

My mom shakes her head, “Forget I was here did you?”

Ashley nervously replies, “S-sorry Ms. Juarez.”

She sighs, “It's fine. You two are young and in love and that’s great. But she has a plane to catch and I can't stay parked here for long.”

My mom, ever the pragmatist. She's right of course, but still.

Ashley and I share another hug, I say goodbye to my mom, and I get out of the car and get my suitcase out of the trunk. I get up on the curb, turn and wave them goodbye, and make my way to the ticket desk.

As I do, I wipe away a tear and do my best to think positively. If I focus on how much I'm going to miss Ashley, I won't survive.

I'm really sad I'm leaving Ashley again. But I'm also really excited to get back to school. I'm excited to get back into the gym with my teammates.

I also have two really great friends that I'm excited to see.

…

I just got off the plane at a small regional airport in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I feel groggy from my flight as I make my way to baggage claim. It's not a very long walk. One of the perks of a tiny airport.

On the way, I text Ashley, “I made it! Miss you. Love you.”

As I make it past this tiny airport's meager security area, I spot a very familiar woman with short blond hair waving at me with a smile on her face.

It would be hard to mistake her for anyone else, because I'm pretty sure there's not another person who looks like her anywhere on the planet.

Seeing her makes me really happy. Her name is Kara. She's my teammate, and also my best friend. She makes me feel tiny, even though I'm much larger than most women. Last time we did measurements I was 5 ft 8 and ¾ inches and 167 pounds.

Meanwhile, she clocked in at a massive 6 ft 5 and ¼ inch and 232 pounds. Those 232 pounds are mostly muscle too. She's the most well-built woman I've ever seen in real life. She has rippling biceps, muscular thighs as thick as tree trunks, broad shoulders, and at least a 6 pack. 

If I didn't know better, I'd think she was on some pharmaceuticals to get such a physique. But the girl is a goodie two shoes who doesn't even drink and is very afraid of doctors and needles. So this is just how she's built.

A specimen like her should be on a Division I basketball team. She was being recruited by them in high school.  But it turned out she's super injury prone and that scared them away.

It sucks for her, but I'm sort of glad that she had to lower herself to Division II. Otherwise we never would have met.

Despite her massive size and a frightening killer instinct when she's on the court, she's probably also the sweetest girl I've ever met. Her bright smile and animated wave make her look like a little girl excited to have her friend coming over for a sleep over in first grade. That’s not what you'd expect from a girl built like her, but that somehow makes it even more endearing.

The two of us hug and pick up my bags before heading out to her car. It's about an hour and a half to the small town where our university is.

…

We're on the road now. We've been talking non-stop. I guess we missed each other. 

“When does Emily get back?”

Kara beams, “In two weeks!”

I scoff playfully, “You sound so excited. More excited than you are about little old me.”

Kara frowns, “I didn't mean to. I'm excited you're back too!”

She gives me a worried look, “I was just teasing. Of course you're excited. She's your girlfriend. I'm more excited to see Ashley than I am to see you.”

Emily and Kara have known each other since they were kids, and they fell in love with one another last year. Ashley and I had to give them a little push since they were both so dense, but now they are a very cute couple. Emily is also close with me, so it was great when they got together.

There's some stuff I really don't understand about their relationship, though. For one thing, they never have sex because Kara is asexual. I didn't know that was a thing until she came out last year. I have a hard time wrapping my head around how you could love someone and want to be with them but not want to have sex with them. For me, those things are very much connected. But clearly, not everyone thinks like I do. And that's okay.

I do worry about them sometimes though, because Emily isn't asexual. I'm not really sure how they navigate that.

“How's your knee?”

Kara deflates a little, “It's fine.”

This girl is eternally an optimist. Her saying something is “fine” is not a good sign.

“Come on, you can do it! Power through!”

“K-K-Kara…I……I…can't…”

We're in the weight room with the rest of the basketball team. A big part of these summer workouts is strength training. Kara is spotting for me, but her usual caring demeanor seems to disappear when we do anything basketball related. She seems more like a drill sergeant right now. We call this side of her “Xena.”

I'm trying to do 10 reps of 100 pounds on the bench press, but I ran out of gas halfway to the tenth and final rep. And I think the drill sergeant would rather see me get crushed than fail.

She waits another second and shakes her head at me in disappointment, before effortlessly helping me lift the weights and put them back in their resting place.

I sit up, gasping for air. My arms feel like jello.

She frowns, “You used to do that with no problem.”

I sigh, “I know, I guess I slipped a little over the break.”

“That’s not good. Don't you want to start?”

Last year I was the back up Point Guard. I got on the court a lot for a true freshman and I even started three games. But I never quite managed to permanently take the starting job from Peyton. This is her last year of eligibility, and I feel kind of shitty about trying to take it away from her now, especially when I have as many as four years left myself. 

But I do really want to start. 

“Of course I do, but like…I'm pretty sure the number of reps I can do isn't going to have a huge impact there. I'm already stronger than Peyton and I’m still behind her on the depth chart. My bench press doesn't matter.”

Kara crosses her arms, “I guess, but it doesn't hurt.”

I rub my sore bicep and laugh wryly, “I'm not sure that’s true.”

Kara laughs, “Okay, my turn. Ready to spot me?”

I scoff, “Yes, she is.”

I sigh and wave to the back up Center, Maya . She's the only girl on the team who has strength even remotely comparable to Kara's. She looks like she has been waiting for this. She jogs over with a smile and I get out of her way.

I watch as Kara starts her 10 reps of 175. She makes it look easy.

As I marvel at her ludicrous strength, I see someone sidle up next to me in my peripheral vision.

“You know, maybe you should be lifting with your fellow Point Guard. Let those big girls do their own thing.”

I turn to see Peyton, the aforementioned starting Point Guard who has a mischievous smile on her face. She's several inches shorter than me, with blue eyes and shoulder-length blond hair. If you saw her on the street, you'd have no idea she's an athlete. She just looks like a regular 22-year-old woman, but looks can be deceiving.

She's also the team joker.

As usual, I can't help but laugh at her words and facial expression. I move my right arm up and down, still feeling the pain from my earlier failure.

“Maybe you have a point.” I whisper, “Xena is kind of crazy, huh?”

She crosses her arms and chuckles, “Kind of? I love the girl and what she does for the team, but that intensity is very crazy.”

I awkwardly scratch the back of my head and Peyton waves her hands, “I know you're like, best friends. I shouldn’t have said that.”

I laugh, “No, it’s fine. She knows she's crazy. But I think we need a little of that, don't you?”

“Definitely. Especially at Center,” She puts her hand on my shoulder, surprising me, “Seriously, though. I'd love it if you worked out and trained with me some this summer.”

I raise my eyebrows, “You…would?”

She nods and puts her palms together and slightly bows her head, “I have some Point Guard wisdom to bestow upon you, grasshopper.”

It's definitely true. She's way better than me at the nuts and bolts of playing Point Guard. Way better than I'll ever be.

But…

“Are you sure you want to help me out so much?”

She smiles, “Yes. I am.”

“But…why?”

She laughs, “Because I want this team to win. And let's face it, you're bigger, faster and more athletic than me. If we can get your technical skills higher, you'll give us a better chance to win than I will.”

I'm stunned for a moment, but manage to mutter, “O-oh. Wow.”

“Is it that surprising?”

I laugh, “A little. You weren't as…welcoming last year.”

She sighs, “Yeah, I wasn't was I? But I regret that. I'd like to make it up to you.”

…

“What a bitch.”

I laugh, “She's a bitch for offering to help me?”

I'm laying in bed for my regularly scheduled phone call with Ashley. We talk almost every day at 7 p.m. my time. We tell each other about our days. It's something I look forward to all day long. It makes me feel connected to her even though we're apart.

Ashley is not a fan of Peyton. The girl has a feisty side. It's one of the many reasons I love her. But sometimes it clouds her judgment.

“Well…no. I don't know.” She sighs, “I'm still mad at her for last year.”

“I get that. Kind of. It's not like she was ever mean to me, though.”

I swear I can hear her eyes roll, “No, she just started joking around and changing the subject any time you asked her for help. It was her stupid way of saying she didn't want to help you. Even though she should have taken you under her wing.”

“That's true, but-”

“Do you remember how hard the start of last year was for you?”

“O-of course I do.”

To be honest, I kind of forgot until she mentioned it. I really missed Ashley and felt lost on the team. I was super depressed.

Kara noticed and invited me to hang out with her and Emily, and the rest was history. Feeling comfortable here with two great friends feels like the norm to me now, but it's true I had a really rough start.

“If she had been more welcoming, you wouldn't have had such a hard time. I'm not forgiving her just because she offered to help you now.”

I sigh, “That’s fine. But I am going to take her up her offer. I need her help. I'm just so slow at reading defenders and making decisions with the ball.”

“I think you're great.”

I laugh, “Yes, but you're also sleeping with me. And you're a soccer player, so I can't trust your judgment.”

She scoffs, “Whatever. I know you're right. I'm just going to be snarky about her any time she comes up. It's my duty as your girlfriend.”

I laugh. “I know, Ash. I know it's coming from a place of love, so it's fine. Anyway, how is soccer stuff going?”

“It’s good. This girl I was friends with from like…pre-teen soccer camp is an incoming Freshman. She'll probably be my back-up.” She giggles, “So, that was kind of crazy, running into her. I had no idea she was going to be on the team. And she still has this crazy little kid energy, which was kind of annoying. Fun to catch up with her, though.”

“That is fun. Small world, I guess. That camp must be stoked that two of its alums are playing D1 soccer.”

“Yeah, I guess they probably are.” 

Ashley yawns, and it makes me pretty sad, because that's how I always know she has to go. It is two hours later in Maryland, after all. By now it's 10 there, and she has to get up early for her own summer practice. I'm disappointed, but glad time goes by so fast when we talk too.

“Okay, sleepyhead. I'll let you go. Have a good day tomorrow. Love you.”

Through another yawn she says, “Love you too,” and ends the call. My flip phone closes with a satisfying snapping sound, but I wish I felt more satisfied.

It's going to take a little while to get used to being long distance again.