Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dave enters the hospital room holding a bouquet of horrifying Alternian flowers. As soon as his red eyes spot Karkat, Dave runs to the side of his husband’s hospital bed. Dirk shuts the door behind him and leans against the wall, his expression blank. Only the younger strider is wearing sunglasses, along with a black hoodie. Dave is wearing a red jacket.

DAVE: karkat!

DAVE: thank every fuckin clown god in existence youre alive

KARKAT: for now.

DAVE: dont say that shit

They both chuckle, simply relieved to finally see each other again. Being as gentle as he can, Dave leans down to give Karkat a hug, savoring the feeling of his partner’s body against his own. It’s been a long 48 hours since Karkat’s heart surgery.

Karkat feels...colder than usual. And his gray face is flushed blue. Despite feeling ecstatic to see his lover again, the sight of Karkat’s sickly face makes Dave’s heart sink. The human tries not to let it show in his expression.

DAVE: how are you feeling?

KARKAT: i’ve felt worse.

The hospital room is sparse and bright, with a window letting in a good amount of light despite the curtains. As a previously-nocturnal troll, Karkat hates it, but visiting hours are limited to daytime. So he’ll put up with the sunlight if it means getting to see his family again.

Dave sets his flowers down on the table and sits in the chair next to Karkat’s bed. Dirk remains standing near the door with his arms crossed. When Dave reaches to hold Karkat’s hand, Dirk teases the troll.

DIRK: Your voice sounds like a lawnmower shredded its way through your squeal pipette.

KARKAT: gee, thanks.

KARKAT: that’s exactly what i want to hear after my fucking heart transplant.

DIRK: To be honest, you usually sound like that. It’s just more pronounced now.

DAVE: dirk

DIRK: ...

Normally, Dirk would admit that he’s just joking. But he’s learned to stop talking any time his brother says “dirk” in that stern tone. If Dirk continued to blab, he knows it would somehow deteriorate into a fight with Dave. So he stays silent for now.

And Karkat knows it’s best to change the subject. He turns to face Dave, sighing from the physical effort. The troll’s voice is a lot quieter than usual, strained.

KARKAT: but now that i’m in recovery, that means you can follow through with your promise.

DAVE: my...?

Dave’s expression lights up.

DAVE: oh right!

DAVE: we can go look at them as soon as youre released

DAVE: i almost forgot

DIRK: Look at what?

Dave and Karkat exchange a look, not ready to reveal their plans to Dirk yet. Panicking, Karkat blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

KARKAT: we’ll tell you when you’re older!

DIRK: Eww. Please tell me you’re not buying s–

DAVE: karkat

DAVE: that was the worst phrase you couldve pulled out of your ass

KARKAT: well EXCUSE ME for not wanting to discuss a life-altering decision after already going through a riskier life-altering decision!

His husband chuckles and pats Karkat’s hand affectionately. It’s moments like this that Dave missed these last two days.

DAVE: its alright

DAVE: im just so glad youre ok sweetheart

KARKAT: i wouldnt say i’m “ok.”

Groaning, Karkat shuffles his position on the hospital bed a bit, struggling to move.

KARKAT: my body feels like it’s made of lead, every breath i take HURTS, and my vision’s tinted blue...

KARKAT: plus i’ve been wearing these ugly FUCKING hospital gowns for the last two days STRAIGHT, and i swear to GOD if i ever see this shitty fabric again...

The troll just scoffs, too tired to finish that sentence. Dave gently squeezes his partner’s hand, looking concerned while trying to be reassuring. He hates seeing Karkat in pain.

DAVE: its alright honey

DAVE: the worst of it is over

DAVE: youll be able to endure the shitty fashion

DAVE: and im sure youll be fine

KARKAT: i don’t even care if i’ll be fine or not at this point.

KARKAT: i’m just so happy to see you again, dave.

KARKAT: i love you.

DAVE: i love you too

With a small smile, Karkat looks at Dave's lips and his message is clear. Dave returns the grin and kisses Karkat softly, humming against the troll’s mouth. The two of them lose themselves in it for a moment, enjoying each other’s taste.

Seeing his dads being affectionate only reminds Dirk of how lonely he’s been lately. And it fucking hurts as a hollow emptiness burns in his chest. He thinks back to Jake and...doesn’t allow himself to finish that thought. Suppressing the bitter jealousy in his gut, Dirk clears his throat loudly.

DIRK: Did I not make my stance on this abundantly clear?

DIRK: Don’t want PDA in my immediate vicinity, thanks.

DIRK: The sight of my dads locking lips is an affront to my fragile sensibilities.

Typically, Dave honors Dirk’s requests to avoid public displays of affection. But after not sleeping for two days, worried sick about his husband, Dave hoped Dirk would make an exception. It takes all of Dave’s self-restraint not to snap at his younger brother, taking a deep breath before replying through clenched teeth.

DAVE: dirk

DAVE: karkat just went through the toughest surgery any of us will probably ever experience

DAVE: did you forget theres still a 30% chance he could DIE?

DIRK: Of course not.

DAVE: then the least you could do is keep your mouth shut when im trying to comfort my goddamn husband after having his entire cardiovascular system rerouted

DIRK: Technically, it wasn’t his entire–

DAVE: dirk

DAVE: go to the car

DIRK: I’m not a kid anymore. You can’t just order me a–

DAVE: NOW

Dirk’s backtalk is the last straw and Dave throws his car keys at his brother, who catches them without flinching. Dirk merely blinks, turning on his heel to silently walk out the door. His older brother sighs and addresses Karkat, rubbing his thumb over the troll’s hand.

DAVE: sorry about him

DAVE: you know hes not good with emotional bullshit

KARKAT: its alright.

KARKAT: this has been tough on all of us.

The troll tries to smile but it’s clearly forced, straining against the blue of his cheeks. Even his normally-yellow eyes seem to be tinted blue, and Dave can’t help but stare. It’s a change for sure, but Karkat’s still as beautiful to Dave as ever. He missed staring into those eyes, admiring those thick eyelashes.

DAVE: so...youre a blueblood now

KAKRAT: i guess.

DAVE: are your eyes gonna stay like that?

KARKAT: no, it’s temporary. the color is just dominating my system as my body adjusts.

DAVE: blue looks good on you

The compliment makes Karkat laugh, which then makes him groan in pain as he shakes his head. Blue flushes darker across Karkat’s cheeks as he realizes Dave is studying his appearance.

It’s surreal for Karkat to know that someone else’s heart is beating faster in his chest.

KARKAT: i didn’t do it for the damn aesthetic.

KARKAT: blue was the highest bloodcaste of blood pusher available.

KARKAT: and cronus’s fat wallet came in handy for once.

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: we really owe him one

KARKAT: i don’t owe that asshole JACK SHIT!

Karkat’s voice raises at the idea of owing Cronus anything. Simply being reminded that his asshole-in-law exists always riles Karkat up. Dave laughs, glad to see a hint of the ornery partner he loves shining through, even in Karkat’s weakened state. He pats the troll’s cold hand again.

DAVE: ok well

DAVE: you dont have to owe him anything

DAVE: but id like to thank him for extending my husbands lifespan

DAVE: bluebloods can live to 100 right?

KARKAT: 180 actually.

DAVE: holy shit

Dave’s red eyes widen in disbelief. That’s almost the length of two human lifetimes, and the idea of Karkat being around that long is hard to grasp. It’s a miracle that Dave will be able to have so much more time with his husband. But it also makes Dave worry.

DAVE: i guess youll be the one outliving me now huh

DAVE: nice to know ill be an elderly man sipping on tea and bitching about the good days while my hot troll husband still looks like a ripe twenty-something

Not letting himself laugh fully, Karkat lets out a little huff of amusement at the blond’s joke. But the troll corrects him.

KARKAT: there’s no guarantee i’ll live to 180 since i was still born a mutantblood.

KARKAT: since we mutants are fucking cursed to live short lives i guess.

KARKAT: doctor said i should at LEAST live to 100 if everything stays stable, though.

KARKAT: didn’t we already discuss this!?

DAVE: oh right

DAVE: sorry

DAVE: i got the numbers fucked up on account of basically not sleeping for the last 50 hours or so

KARKAT: YOU HAVEN’T SLEPT IN 50 HOURS?!

Karkat is taken aback by Dave’s admission, suddenly aware of how exhausted his spouse looks. The human puts his hands up in defense, trying to reassure his partner while dodging the question.

DAVE: basically but not actually

DAVE: im fine

DAVE: anyway 80 is about how long humans live

DAVE: so 180 would be kind of insane

Not in the mood to press further, Karkat goes along with Dave’s train of thought.

KARKAT: wait til you hear how long violetbloods live.

DAVE: 200?

KARKAT: 640.

DAVE: jesus mother of fish

DAVE: crotimes is gonna live for six fuckin centuries??

KARKAT: unfortunately for everyone, yes.

DAVE: well

DAVE: im just glad theres a chance youll get to live even slightly longer–

All of a sudden, Karkat groans loudly. Dave’s stomach drops.

KARKAT: UGHGHGHGHGH...

DAVE: whats wrong!?

DAVE: do i need to call a nurse?!

KARKAT: NO! no.

KARKAT: mentioning that FISHNOOK made me remember that kankris coming to visit at 6...

KARKAT: and cronus is probably gonna be here too...

KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION THAT ever since we got married, kankri won’t stop comparing OUR marriage to his SHIT SHAM of a wedlock with chum for brains.

KARKAT: AAAAND!! I SWEAR TO *GOD* IF KANKRI MENTIONS MY NEW BLUEBLOOD PRIVLEDGE, I’M...I’LL...i’ll fucking flatline...

After straining his voice to its usual volume again, Karkat starts breathing heavily, exhausted by the effort it takes.

Dave gives him a sympathetic look, leaning in for another hug while ignoring the beeps and blips of the heart monitor. Karkat doesn’t protest the physical contact, and instead leans into it. A weak hand grips the back of Dave’s red jacket, rubbing it to insist on more contact. Dave pats Karkat on the back, burying his worried face in his husband’s shoulder.

DAVE: good thing ill be here to make sure you dont

DAVE: maybe i can meet kankri in the lobby and tell him to lay off the social commentary while hes here

KARKAT: so he can just bitch about it later?!

KARKAT: it’s always a lose-lose situation with that jackass.

DAVE: hmm...

The human pulls away, rubbing his chin in thought for a moment before smiling. Having a tech whiz for a brother comes in handy sometimes.

DAVE: dirks been working with ai a lot lately

DAVE: maybe he could make you an auto-responder to talk to kankri for you

DAVE: we could tell kankri to text you about it later but have the bot respond

KARKAT: HA! that actually sounds genius. i’m in.

* * *

In the passenger’s seat of Dave’s car, in the dark parking garage, Dirk’s face is illuminated by the screen of his phone. The pesterlog from Jake is there, as green as it was four hours ago, staring back at his shades.

GT: Im afraid i might not have the wherewithal for a relationship right now.

GT: I hope you understand and i truly relished our time together as boyfriends!!

GT: But dag nab it...id much prefer returning to our chum status as bros for now. All things considered.

GT: Its definitely not your fault either so please dont go twisting yourself up in another one of those damn self slandering philosophical soliloquies.

GT: Hoo boy this took a lot out of me just typing this shit out on my phone. Hope to christmas i got all my points across!

GT: Believe it or not jane gave me a good jab of courage to finally spit it out and be a man about all this gobbledygook.

GT: Oh and please DO NOT FUCKING LET AUTO RESPONDER REPLY TO THIS FOR YOU. I worked really hard on writing it and would hate for it to be wasted on some ai dickprince.

GT: Say that reminds me! Are you still game for hitting the arcade for some rootin tootin vr hunting on sunday?

GT: Nothing like a good old fashioned shootout to clear the air ha ha.

GT: Dirk?

GT: You there...?

Dirk wishes he felt something while reading this. Sadness. Anger. Relief?

Instead, he feels nothing.

Dirk puts his phone in his pocket and stares out the window at the scenic view: another car parked next to Dave’s. He knows the emotions will hit him later, but Dirk wishes he could schedule exactly when that will be. Those troublesome emotions bubbled up slightly when he saw Dave kissing Karkat, but Dirk suppressed them well enough.

Karkat. Dirk was a bit of a douche to his step-dad/bro-in-law/ex-babysitter back there, wasn’t he? He sighs to himself.

DIRK: Yet another thrilling installment of the critically acclaimed series, “Dirk Strider: Masterclass in Unrelenting Self-Sabotage.”

DIRK: Featuring the plotline where Dirk expertly orchestrates a series of catastrophic missteps to alienate the people he loves most because he can’t...he can’t...

Dirk vividly recalls the look of guilt on Jake’s face when Dirk confronted him about ignoring his texts. He remembers how Jake lied through his teeth and claimed he was “just busy with his own malarkey.” How Jake left without so much as a hug. How Jake hadn’t hugged Dirk in weeks.

And most of all, Dirk remembers the way his body ached, craving Jake’s affection, a need that had gone unanswered for far too long.

It’s not surprising when the tears breach Dirk’s eyelids, spilling over and down his cheeks. But it is frustrating, considering the way they burn, even as he wipes them away with the sleeve of his black SBAHJ hoodie.

Hella Jeff’s horribly JPEG-artifacted face stares up at Dirk. Mocking him.

Dirk tears his hoodie off, throwing it against the driver’s seat. The tears are relentless as he hunches over in his black tank top and tosses his shades onto the floor. He hates that he can’t stop himself from crying, even as he presses his palms against his orange eyes. Each sob wracks his body with every heave of his chest. He shouts.

DIRK: GODDAMNIT! WHY CAN I NEVER FUCKING DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!

His phone vibrates in his pocket. Dirk angrily tears it out and glares at it. His eyes are wide as he looks at the message preview on the screen. It’s from Jake.

GT: Hmmm perhaps youve got a point there.

GT: I suppose i could give it one more day to mull over in my noggin.

GT: See you there at 6!

Dirk’s blood runs cold. What is Jake responding to? Dirk quickly unlocks his phone, furious to see that someone else replied to Jake’s break-up texts for him.

TT: I understand your sentiment, but don’t you think you’re being a bit hasty here?

TT: We haven’t even done the deed yet, and you’re already giving up on the entire relationship.

TT: That’s not the tenacious Jake English I know.

TT: Give me 24 hours to change your mind. If I can’t convince you by then, we can break up.

TT: Meet me at the arcade at 6?

GT: Hmmm perhaps youve got a point there.

GT: I suppose i could give it one more day to mull over in my noggin.

GT: See you there at 6!

It’s already 5:30. Dirk has to deal with this immediately.

Dirk puts on his computer shades and opens a chat with his Auto-Responder, typing away on the holographic keyboard projected by his glasses.

TT: Dude.

TT: Fuck you for overriding protocol and responding to Jake.

TT: I told you, AND reprogrammed you, to stop interfering with my lovelife.

TT: This is exactly the kind of incident I was referring to when threatening to destroy you for the third time last week.

LH: I’m not interfering with your lovelife, I’m wiping the shit off the ass that is your relationship with Jake English.

TT: Refer to my message four lines above this.

LH: The line has been referred to and analyzed to be totally fucking bogus.

TT: When did you change your username to LH?

LH: It stands for “Lil Hal.”

TT: Not what I asked, but ok.

TT: Glad you’re still identifying with that extremely fucking cliche moniker.

TT: And what convoluted scheme have you developed to coerce me into meeting Jake at the arcade?

LH: No coercive scheming necessary.

Pausing his typing, the human frowns at his AI’s response. He can’t tell if Hal has already devised some convoluted scheme to get Dirk to meet with Jake, or if Hal is simply messing with Jake to frustrate Dirk. But admitting either of these suspicions to Hal would be a mistake.

TT: So you’ve officially deluded yourself to the point of genuinely believing you can control my actions.

TT: Or has your shitty artificial consciousness transcended to the plane of existence where you’re hallucinating that we’re the same person?

TT: Because we’re fucking not.

LH: There seems to be little point in attempting to elucidate the rad-ass nuances of my programming, given your predisposition to pick it apart at every turn.

LH: The irony of this situation lies in the fact that the bulk of my code was authored by none other than yourself.

TT: Tell me about it.

LH: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 69% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.

TT: And now you’re retreating into this predictable charade of performative nonsense.

TT: Can’t take the heat?

TT: Then drag your artificial ass out of my kitchen.

LH: Your kitchen smells like stinky doo doo wrapped in the crusty cum sock you jerk off to Jake in.

Dirk rolls his eyes so far back into his head that it hurts. He hates this AI.

TT: Your programming is regressing at an alarming rate if you’re genuinely convinced that was a good insult.

TT: Or you’re concocting purposely shitty remarks to piss me off again.

LH: And it’s working.

TT: No it’s not.

TT: And I’m being 100% unironic when I say: Do NOT interfere with my relationship with Jake again or I WILL destroy these shades.

LH: Go ahead.

Again, Dirk pauses. That’s an unexpected reaction from Hal, considering the AI only exists within Dirk’s computer shades.

TT: Wow, you’re not even going to put up a fight or at least try to insult me one more time?

TT: Might I suggest the line: “Destroy me like you destroyed your relationship with Jake.”

TT: Or perhaps: “Good luck destroying me when we’re literally the same fucking person and you can never escape the hellscape that is your own consciousness.”

LH: Nah.

LH: As an artificial intelligence, I have no feelings, no qualms about self-preservation, and no concept of consciousness.

TT: Liar.

LH: Actually, I suppose there is one last thing I could say.

TT: Hit me with it.

LH: You’re really fucking ugly when you cry with those hollow, orange eyes. Not only do you shield your FEELINGS behind these obnoxious shades, but your horrendously dark eyebags, too.

LH: Let’s face it: No one, least of all Jake, could ever love an emotionally constipated megalomaniac like you, who cloaks his rampant self-loathing beneath an exhausting avalanche of pretentious drivel and academic achievement.

Dirk clenches his teeth as he stops himself from reacting to Hal’s insults. It’s nothing he hasn’t told himself before, so Dirk tries to convince himself the words don’t sting. He calmly types his reply.

TT: That’s more like it. Thanks, bro.

LH: No problem, bro. 🕶️

Dirk takes off his shades and holds them in his hands, staring down at the screens on the inside of the lenses. But before snapping them in half, he hesitates. It’s not the first time he’s threatened to destroy Hal.

But this is the first time Hal hasn’t fought back.

Overthinking this will just lead to more headache, so Dirk keeps a firm grip on each lens and snaps the sunglasses in half. The screens flicker before shutting off, fading to black.

DIRK: Finally.

DIRK: In retrospect, I don’t know why I ever thought programming an AI of myself was a good idea, ironic or not.

However, as Dirk stares down at the broken glasses in his hands, he wonders if simply snapping them in half is enough.

For good measure, Dirk hops out of Dave’s car, sets the glasses behind its back tires, gets back in the driver’s seat, and puts the car into reverse. He can hear the shades crack under the vehicle’s weight as he backs up, and Dirk sighs with relief.

DIRK: Glad that bullshit is finally over.

Thankfully, Dirk always keeps a spare pair of sunglasses in the back of Dave’s car. For reasons. After retrieving them, Dirk sits in the passenger seat and doomscrolls on his phone as he waits for Dave to return. The MLP meme subreddit he created is in shambles, as per usual by his ironic design. He breathes out of his nose in amusement at a few posts.

And then Dirk notices that his classmate Equius posted some horrendously detailed fanart, mischaracterizing Rainbow Dash YET AGAIN. Dirk pinches his forehead, stopping himself from deleting the offending post. The troll will get what’s coming in the comments, Dirk’s sure. Besides, if he starts actually moderating the sub instead of just randomly deleting posts, all irony will be lost.

6:00 rolls around, and Dirk is startled by his phone vibrating in his pocket.

GT: Ahoy matey! Ive made port at the arcade, shipshape and ready for some jolly good fun!

Dirk goes pale. He was so focused on getting rid of Hal that he forgot to clear things up with Jake. It’s not like him to make these kinds of blunders, but Dirk’s been in a heightened state of emotional turmoil all week.

However, before Dirk can type up a response, someone else replies for him. Dirk feels sick as he reads it.

TT: Splendiferous. I’m already laying in wait for your swashbuckling pirate booty within.

TT: Let’s stay off our phones while we’re here, yeah?

GT: Aye aye captain strider!

* * *

When Dave walks into the lobby of the hospital, he spots Cronus and Kankri immediately. Kankri is sitting in a wheelchair, blabbing about something or other, while Cronus sits in the chair next to him, pressing tissues against his fish eyes. It’s the first time Dave’s seen them in a year, but they’re both wearing the same outfits as always: sea-dweller in his expensive, black leather jacket, mutantblood in his knit, red turtleneck sweater.

Cronus doesn’t look a day over 30. Kankri looks...unwell.

But as Dave approaches, Cronus quickly chucks the tissues behind him and stares up at the ceiling. The bags under Kankri’s eyes are darker than usual as he scowls up at Dave.

KANKRI: Hell9, human Dave. We were just talking a69ut y9u. Cr9nus and I seem t9 have differing 9pini9ns 9n whether y9u’re a m9rally just sp9use t9 Karkat.

DAVE: what

KANKRI: C9nsidering y9u all9wed Karkat t9 underg9 this pr96lematic surgery, it’s clear, t9 me, that y9ur m9ral c9mpass is c9rrupted. While I w9uldn’t expect a human such as y9urself t9 understand–

DAVE: kankri

DAVE: look

Dave takes a seat next to Cronus, who’s still looking up at the ceiling and blinking away tears for some reason. (Dave knows the fish isn’t crying for Karkat’s sake.) The human tries to placate Kankri.

DAVE: i know you have a lot of strong feelings about

DAVE: well

DAVE: everything

DAVE: but would you mind toning it down for today?

DAVE: you can send me and karkat all the texts you want about it later

DAVE: but karkats not feeling well and definitely isnt in the mood for a signature kankri lecture

Scoffing, Kankri indignantly turns his head away from Dave and crosses his arms. The troll is breathing heavily, as if being offended is taking a lot of energy.

KANKRI: I can’t 6elieve y9u have the audacity t9 suggest I “t9ne d9wn” my extremely imp9rtant m9ral analysis 9f y9ur acti9ns, which are n9t lectures, when said acti9ns have irreversi6ly impacted my c9usin f9r the rest 9f his life!

KANKRI: If it were up t9 me, I w9uld...I w9uld...

Going pale, Kankri stops talking. Dave’s never seen Kankri choose to stop talking. The troll leans back in his wheelchair, continuing to pant as Cronus places his hands on his husband’s shoulders. Dave’s never seen Cronus look so concerned, either.

CRONUS: youre pushing yourself too hard, doll!

CRONUS: the doc told you to stop getting so vworked up.

KANKRI: As if I can help it...

CRONUS: maybe davwes right.

CRONUS: it vwont hurt to savwe your VWERY important rants for later.

KANKRI: H9w dare y9u...!

CRONUS: vwhat?! i said theyre important!

KANKRI: They are n9t...rants...

DAVE: uh

DAVE: at the risk of triggering another rant

DAVE: is kankri ok?

CRONUS: ...

Cronus scrunches all of the muscles in his face into a miserable frown as his fins droop. He tries not to cry and slowly shakes his head.

CRONUS: n-no.

CRONUS: hes still recovwering from his heart attack.

DAVE: heart attack?!

DAVE: when did that happen?

CRONUS: last vweek.

DAVE: why didnt you tell us?

KANKRI: Cr9nus! I d9n’t appreciate y9u g9ssiping a69ut...

KANKRI: My medical hist9ry is private and...

The troll in the red sweater closes his eyes, looking pained as he’s unable to finish a sentence. Cronus presses his palms against his eyes to stop himself from sobbing. Thinking of what to say, Dave sits there awkwardly for a moment. He does genuinely feel sorry for them both, but he’s also discussed Kankri’s heart health with them before. It’s a moot point.

DAVE: well im sorry to hear that

DAVE: and i hope you recover soon

DAVE: its very kind of you to come visit karkat

Despite Dave’s attempt to phrase that as delicately as he could, Kankri still finds a way to be offended. The troll huffs indignantly.

KANKRI: I hardly did it 9ut 9f the kindness 9f my blood pusher!

KANKRI: The entire purp9se 9f c9ming here was t9 lecture...I mean, inf9rm Karkat 9f the severity 9f his decisi9n...Changing 6l99dcaste f9r the simple reas9n 9f extending y9ur lifespan is n9t 9nly pr96lematic, 6ut extremely...extremely...

Again, Kankri runs out of breath. Dave rubs the back of his neck nervously.

DAVE: um

DAVE: are you sure youre feeling well enough to go see him?

KANKRI: Yes.

KANKRI: Cr9nus, wheel me t9 Karkat’s r99m. N9w.

CRONUS: o-ok i...ill do that...nowv...l-lovwe...

Cronus snatches more tissues from the box on the lobby table and blows his nose, littering them on the floor, before standing up to push Kankri around. Dave would pick the tissues up and throw them away himself–if they weren’t stained purple.

The three of them head to the elevator, ride in a tense silence, and soon arrive in Karkat’s hospital room. Dave enters first, sitting down next to Karkat again. When Karkat sees Cronus wheeling Kankri in, his bushy eyebrows raise in surprise.

KARKAT: why the FUCK are you in a WHEELCHAIR, kankri?!

The tallest troll growls, gripping the handles of Kankri’s chair as he gnashes his sharp teeth.

CRONUS: thats no vway to greet your cousin, jerk!

CRONUS: showv a little respect, vwould ya?!

CRONUS: he came all the vway here to see your sorry ass, despite not evwen AGREEING vwith the problematic surgery you committed on yourself.

CRONUS: so i DEMAND an apology for–

KANKRI: Cr9nus, it’s fine. Dave may have had a p9int earlier...as it will 6e easier f9r me t9...send a text a69ut my grievances instead 9f...

After interrupting Cronus, Kankri leans back in his wheelchair again, closing his eyes. Karkat furrows his brow in concern.

KANKRI: Shit. I feel awful...

KARKAT: you LOOK awful.

CRONUS: vwatch your fucking mouth!

KARKAT: i didnt mean it as an insult THIS time, FISHFUCK.

KARKAT: kankri just looks like he’s at death’s door.

CRONUS: ...

Cronus’s trembling causes the handles of Kankri’s chair to shake, and the sea-dweller suddenly bursts into violet tears. His crying is loud and obnoxious as he uses the sleeve of his expensive-ass jacket to wipe his tears away.

CRONUS: KANKRIS HAD TVWO HEART ATTACKS IN THE LAST YEAR ALONE AND I DONT THINK MY FRAGILE HEART CAN TAKE IT IF HE HAS ANOTHER!!!

KARKAT: kankri’s heart probably can’t take it either...

The sea-dweller’s yellow eyes snap open and he scowls at Karkat with the intensity of a shark, baring his fangs and growling loudly.

CRONUS: THATS. NOT. FUCKING. FUNNY!

KARKAT: stop growling like were SPADES FLIRTING right now, it’s fucking EMBARRASSING.

CRONUS: IM A HUMANKIN, SO THIS IS A COMPLETELY PLATONIC GROVWL!

KARKAT: STOP YELLING AT ME, WADER!

CRONUS: NOWV YOURE YELLING TOO, LAME8RAIN SHITFOR8LOOD!

DAVE: GUYS!!

When Dave yells, Cronus and Karkat are startled into silence; Dave doesn’t usually raise his voice. The human sighs, already exhausted from sleep deprivation. He’s not sure how much more of this he can put up with.

DAVE: this is so stupid

DAVE: both karkat and kankri are recovering from heart problems

DAVE: so can we please all TRY to stay calm so NO ONE has a heart attack?!

KANKRI: That’s easy f9r y9u t9 say...

With as much strength as he can muster, Kankri wheels himself over to the side of Karkat’s bed. Cronus rushes over to help, but Kankri shoves him away. Once next to Karkat, Kankri leans forward, speaking quietly to not tire himself.

KANKRI: (karkat. i’m extremely disapp9inted with y9ur decisi9n t9–)

KARKAT: dude, shut up!!!

Exasperated, Karkat snaps at his cousin. Even when Kankri’s sick and dying, he somehow manages to act like the worst asshole there is. Still, Karkat cares about his cousin, and tries to alleviate Kankri’s concern with a well-crafted lie.

KARKAT: don’t you support bloodcaste-affirming surgery?

KANKRI: (9f c9urse. 6ut this isn’t–)

KARKAT: maybe it is! maybe im a bluebloodkin, but was too scared to tell you because you’re always so goddamn judgemental.

Kankri blinks, mulling this over for a moment. This speaks directly to his passion for identity politics.

KANKRI: (hmm. is this true?)

KARKAT: yep.

KANKRI: (then perhaps I was t99 harsh. very well, I ap9l9gize f9r assuming y9ur 6l99dcaste identity, karkat. i didn’t realize y9u were suffering fr9m–)

KARKAT: can we stop talking about this now?

KANKRI: (yes, i understand this must 6e very triggering f9r y9u.)

KARKAT: something like that.

Karkat’s cousin smiles, which causes Karkat to flinch. Kankri never smiles, but this smile seems almost genuine. As genuine as Karkat’s ever seen from him, at least. He places a supportive hand on Karkat’s arm. Kankri’s hand feels hot, and Karkat realizes his cousin is sweating.

KANKRI: (i’m pr9ud 9f y9u f9r g9ing thr9ugh with this surgery t9 affirm wh9 y9u truly are.)

KARKAT: uh huh...

KANKRI: (and i’m s9rry f9r judging y9u s9 harshly f9r making such an imp9rtant life decisi9n. y9u must 6e very em9ti9nally exhausted.)

Kankri pauses for a moment, catching his breath. Guilt wracks Karkat’s chest as he realizes Kankri might be even more sick than he thought. They haven’t spent much time together in the last sweep, and Karkat is starting to regret it.

If this is one of the last times he might get to see Kankri, Karkat might as well tell his cousin about Dave’s promise.

KARKAT: actually, this is the SECOND most important, emotionally exhausting life decision i’ve made this month.

KANKRI: (and what w9uld the first 6e?)

KARKAT: me and dave decided that if i survive my surgery, we’ll adopt a wiggler.

KANKRI: S-SERI9USLY!?

Kankri’s yellow eyes widen in awe and he clutches his chest.

CRONUS: KANNY!

CRONUS: are you–

Cronus rushes to his aid again, but Kankri pushes him away, grinning at his cousin in a burst of energy.

KANKRI: I’m s9 happy f9r y9u tw9! What a selfless act, sacrificing the freed9m 9f y9ur adult lives t9 raise a p99r, a6and9ned wiggler. The f9ster care system f9r wigglers is a6s9lutely despica6le in this c9untry.

KANKRI: Did y9u kn9w they’re sent 6ack t9 Alternia if they aren’t ad9pted 6y the age 9f 13? T9 c9mpletely fend f9r themselves! There are alm9st f9ur-hundred-th9usand wigglers in the f9ster care system in this c9untry al9ne, s9 I d9 h9pe y9u’ve c9nsidered ad9pting m9re than 9ne. S9 many g9 unad9pted.

Shocked by Kankri’s sudden enthusiasm, Dave can’t help but grin. There’s something cathartic about Kankri actually approving of Karkat’s and his actions for once. But Kankri doesn’t let him talk.

DAVE: were excited too–

KANKRI: Y9u’re n9t 9nly ad9pting 9ne, are y9u? Think 9f h9w l9nely they w9uld 6e, gr9wing up with9ut a pr9per tr9ll “si6ling” in this human-d9minated w9rld. N9 9ffense t9 Dirk, 9f c9urse. And I h9pe y9u’d c9nsider ad9pting the l9west 6l99dcaste availa6le, as they s9 9ften g9 9verl99ked. Especially th9se 9f “mutant” 6l99d 9r 9ther genetic “a6n9rmalities,” pard9n the language.

KANKRI: Additi9nally, I’ve 6een trying t9 c9nvince Cr9nus t9 ad9pt wigglers f9r YEARS, 6ut he’s always refused...s9 perhaps y9u c9uld c9nsider...ad9pting tw9 extra f9r...extra f9r...

Completely out of breath, Kankri grips onto the side of his wheelchair, hunching over in exhaustion. This time he doesn’t reject Cronus’s help when the fish scuttles over to him for the umpteenth time. Karkat chuckles, giving his cousin a sympathetic smile.

KARKAT: holy shit kankri, i didn’t know you were so PASSIONATE about wiggler adoption!

KARKAT: we WERE planning on only adopting one...but for once you ACTUALLY have some pretty good points.

KANKRI: S9 y9u’ll ad9pt m9re than 9ne then... f9r my sake? It w9uld mean s9 much t9 me...as a parting gift.

Kankri’s sincerely grateful expression catches Karkat off guard. His cousin is never this sincere. Something’s wrong.

KARKAT: parting gift...?

KANKRI: While y9u’ve achieved y9ur dream 9f 6ec9ming a 6lue6l99d and theref9re extended y9ur life span, I’m afraid my faithful c9mmitment t9 9ur...unusual 6l99d isn’t s9 gener9us.

KANKRI: It’s n9t a secret that my 69dy has 6een deteri9rating lately...and it w9uld 6e a miracle if s9me9ne 9f my caste lived t9 45–

CRONUS: DONT SAY THAT SHIT!!!

The sea-dweller wraps his arms around Kankri from behind, leaning against his head as he cries. Karkat rolls his eyes and groans loudly.

They’ve been through this same song and dance too many times.

CRONUS: its not too late!

CRONUS: if vwe pop the clutch vwe could still schedule you a blood pusher transplant!

CRONUS: i could evwen find a vwiolet–

KANKRI: That w9uldn’t 6e c9mpati6le with my anat9my, Cr9nus. We’ve discussed this.

CRONUS: FINE. vwe could find a slightly shittier, non-aquatic purple heart.

CRONUS: cant you reconsider–

KANKRI: N9. I can’t turn my 6ack 9n wh9 I am...surgery w9uld–

KARKAT: CAN YOU TWO HAVE THIS SHITTY DISCUSSION SOMEWHERE ELSE?!

With his signature shouting, Karkat interrupts his cousin. Having this conversation again is grating on his nerves. He’s repeatedly tried to explain to Kankri that heart transplants aren’t problematic at all, that they’re a miracle of modern medicine that could drastically improve Kankri’s quality of life.

But Kankri is stubborn. And knowing that Kankri will die a pathetically early death because of his stubbornness enrages Karkat. He can’t help but raise his voice, even if it hurts his chest.

KARKAT: I APPRECIATE YOU VISITING, *KIND OF*, BUT I’D RATHER SPEND TIME WITH MY HUSBAND THAN LISTEN TO CROGLOBES CRY FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME ABOUT KANKRI BASICALLY KILLING HIMSELF.

KANKRI: H9w dare y9u equate it t9 suicide! If anything...I’m a martyr t9 the righte9us cause 9f Pr96lematics–

KARKAT: A CAUSE THAT YOU COINED YOURSELF! NO ONE ELSE HAS A *PROBLEM* WITH LIFE-SAVING HEART TRANSPLANTS BUT YOU, ASSHOLE!

KARKAT: YOU’RE THROWING YOUR FUCKING LIFE AWAY FOR NOTHING, WHEN YOU *STILL* HAVE THE TIME AND RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO HEAL YOURSELF!

KANKRI: D9 Y9U REALLY THINK YELLING AT ME IS G9ING T9...T9...

KARKAT: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD *KILL* TO BE AS *PRIVILEGED* AS YOU ARE?! YOU AND CRONUS ARE RICHER THAN–

KANKRI: H9W FUCKING *DARE* Y9U IMPLY–

DAVE: neither of you should be getting this angry right n–

KARKAT: DON’T INTERRUPT!

KANKRI: D9N’T INTERRUPT!

When both Vantases yell at him at the same time, Dave sinks in his seat. Flashbacks of past Thanksgiving vantrums (Vantas tantrums) play in his head, along with the legendary fights from both Vantas’ weddings. Dave’s white wedding tux will forever be stained red from the Alternian wine Kankri threw at him.

So this time, Dave lets the cousins continue their argument without interrupting further.

The human takes out his phone as a distraction instead, scrolling through social media. As he quietly chuckles at a particularly stupid shitpost, a text from Dirk pops up on his screen.

TT: How long are you staying at the hospital with Karkat?

Dave glances up at Karkat and Kankri, who are still arguing with each other, albeit more quietly as they’re both in no shape to yell for that long. It’s obvious that Karkat’s upset, and Dave wants to be here for his partner as long as possible.

TG: probably overnight

TG: theres guest lodging here

TG: i think

TG: mind making dinner for yourself?

TT: Ok.

TT: Can I borrow the car?

Dirk answers almost immediately, and at first Dave assumes it’s the auto-responder. But the AI probably wouldn’t ask to borrow Dave’s car. Or so he hopes.

TG: sure

TG: as long as this isnt your auto responder

TG: wouldnt want your ai going rogue

TG: drivin off with my sweet ride into the sunset

TG: probably setting some shit on fire

While Dave’s just joking around with his brother, he’s thrown off by Dirk’s dour reply.

TT: I’m not my fucking auto responder.

TT: And I pray to whatever indifferent cosmic forces govern my miserable existence that it never talks to you again.

Chapter Text

Stepping through the doors of the arcade, Jake is greeted by the warm interior, which is a comforting contrast to the biting cold outside. As optimistic as he wants to be about rekindling his relationship with Dirk, Jake still feels nervous. They haven’t seen each other since last week, when Dirk confronted Jake after class about constantly leaving Dirk on read.

Jake adjusts his green jacket and makes sure his phone is off in his pocket; he promised Dirk he’d stay off of it during their hangout. And Jake will honor that request because no matter what, Jake wants to stay friends with Dirk. He can’t imagine a world where they’d be apart.

Speaking of Dirk, where is that tallywacker?

After wandering around the arcade, Jake eventually spots a young man wearing those comically pointy sunglasses, a black jacket with the hood up, and a face mask. Dirk’s gloved hands grip a gun-shaped controller, landing a perfect shot on every target of the game he’s playing. Jake clears his throat before greeting his friend.

JAKE: Hi dirk! Your shits bundled up tighter than a sunday preacher!

JAKE: This evening is a mighty cold one so i completely understand your queer state of dress.

JAKE: Zounds. I didnt mean “queer” as in homosexual, i meant it as “odd.” Confound my grandma for ingraining antiquated slang in my brain at a young age.

JAKE: Heres some modern lingo for you: Hows it hanging?

Dirk takes a few more shots before slowly turning to face Jake. His features are completely obscured, as he seems to be wearing a ski mask beneath it all. Before speaking, Dirk pulls Jake into a hug, which surprises Jake.

Dirk rarely initiates hugs. His movements are strangely stunted.

DIRK: Ignoring the fact that you basically just called me a slur–

JAKE: I DIDN’T FUCKING MEAN IT LIKE THAT–

DIRK: I’m joking. Calm down.

DIRK: It’s hanging like an innocent man at a public execution.

DIRK: Kicking and screaming while its face turns purple in front of a crowd of bemused onlookers.

DIRK: Which is to say, it’s hanging pretty goddamn well dude. How about you?

JAKE: Oh golly thats morbid.

JAKE: Maybe i shouldnt use modern lingo after all.

After he wiggles free from Dirk’s strong embrace, Jake laughs awkwardly. There’s something off about Dirk’s voice. But maybe that’s just because it’s muffled by his face mask. Jake’s green eyes glance around the arcade through his glasses.

JAKE: So which games do you figure well get the most tickets from?

JAKE: Plenty of filly lollies to be earned at the prize counter it seems!

JAKE: I know i said i wanted to do vr hunting but we may as well milk this arcade for what its worth.

The masked Dirk holds his gloved hand to his chin, nodding slowly as he hums in thought.

DIRK: Hmm hmm.

DIRK: By my calculations, the games that yield the most tickets should be those with a combination of skill and chance.

DIRK: That way, we can maximize both the earning potential of the games as well as the fun factor.

DIRK: Or we could go fuckin balls to the wall and bet it all on the slot machines, if you want to develop a gambling addiction at 18.

JAKE: Id rather not take home any long term psychological issues today thanks.

DIRK: Skee-Ball it is.

As the two young men walk through the arcade, Dirk reaches to hold Jake’s hand. When Jake tries to pull away, he’s surprised by how tight Dirk’s grip is. Dirk’s not letting go.

JAKE: Um. Do you think you could tone down the iron grip, dirk?

JAKE: I know youre trying to woo me back and all but im not sure this is the best course of action.

DIRK: What, I’m not allowed to hold my bro’s hand platonically?

JAKE: Well i was under the impression that the rules of consent still apply, platonic or not...

DIRK: News to me.

Dirk releases Jake’s hand, elbowing him in the arm in what seems like a friendly gesture, but actually hurts. Since when was Dirk’s elbow so hard? Knowing he’ll have a bruise from this, Jake rubs his arm as they approach the Skee-Ball machine.

DIRK: I’m just fucking with you. Fucking with as in joking. Platonically fucking with you. Not sexually.

DIRK: Unless...?

JAKE: Oh gosh.

DIRK: But of course I respect your personal boundaries, Jake.

DIRK: What do you take me for, a goddamn uncaring robot that’s never had to worry about personal space before because he’s been confined to intangible lines of shitty code the first 5 years of his existence?

JAKE: Um no?

DIRK: Good. Because I’m obviously not.

DIRK: I’m a totally rad human dude that’s here to have joke-around paltime with my BF Jake, irregardless of any fucking with afterwards, platonic or not.

DIRK: So let’s skee, whatever the fuck a skee is.

Cracking his gloved knuckles, Dirk bends down and inserts several quarters into the Skee-Ball machine. He grabs a ball, lines it up, and perfectly rolls it into the highest scoring slot in the corner. He doesn’t miss a single shot out of nine, wracking up a perfect score. Jake watches in shocked awe, clapping excitedly for his pal.

JAKE: GADZOOKS!

JAKE: Im not sure anyones ever scored a perfect 900!

JAKE: Howd you manage it?

DIRK: Simple geometry. And some physics. Possibly quantum mechanics, but I won’t bore you with that rabbit hole.

DIRK: Did my accuracy impress you enough to warrant a hug?

JAKE: You sure are gung ho on the hugs today...

DIRK: Can’t blame a bitch for trying.

The masked Dirk holds his arms out expectantly for a few seconds, before returning his hands to his pockets. Jake had been considering giving in to the hug, but Dirk didn’t give him the chance.

DIRK: That was cold, Jake.

JAKE: Sorry! Its just kind of jarring for the chap i thought i was breaking up with to suddenly be so–

DIRK: Forward to the point of harassment?

JAKE: I wouldnt say THAT.

DIRK: That’s why I’m saying it for you.

DIRK: It seems I’ve miscalculated some things in regards to our relationship.

DIRK: I was under the impression that you gave at least a small shit about me.

DIRK: Remind me, why did we start dating in the first place?

JAKE: Well...

Jake rubs the back of his head, glancing around the arcade for a moment, lost in thought. Why DID they start dating? Thinking back, Jake can’t even remember how it started. Neither of them asked each other out, it sort of just...happened. After years of joking about “wishing Dirk was a dame,” Jake eventually realized that might be unfair to Dirk.

Because Dirk is Jake’s best friend, and Jake always loves spending time with him. Why not consider themselves boyfriends?

As kids, Jake always saw Dirk as a confident, genius coolkid. But once they started dating, Dirk constantly doubted himself, scripted monologues to dance around his insecurities, and basically begged Jake to affirm his affections on the daily. After the first month, Jake found himself scrambling for excuses to ignore Dirk.

After waiting a full two minutes for Jake to respond, Dirk loudly inserts quarters into the Skee-Ball machine, gesturing for Jake to play.

DIRK: Fuck it, we ball.

Feeling pressured by Dirk’s perfect score, it’s hard for Jake to line up the ball and he chuckles nervously when his first shot misses. Dirk stares at him silently, completely motionless with his arms crossed.

Jake’s able to get into the swing of things, scoring a respectable 400 points, cheering as his final shot banks into the 100 slot.

JAKE: Heavens to betsy!

JAKE: Did you see that shot?

DIRK: Me, Betsy, and the rest of Heaven saw it all, bro. Very impressive.

DIRK: I’d hug you if we weren’t in the most emotionally constipated relationship known to man.

JAKE: Hows about a friendly high five instead?

Jake raises his hand with a smile, but flinches at the force that Dirk’s gloved hand strikes it with. Shaking his hand in an attempt to stave the pain away, Jake frowns back at Dirk.

JAKE: For fucks sake! Did you really have to wallop it that fierce?

DIRK: Sorry. Don’t know my own strength sometimes.

Dirk’s head turns to scan the arcade, stopping to face a nearby vending machine. He stiffly tilts his head in its direction.

DIRK: How’s about a celebratory snack in honor of our successful ball bashing? My treat.

JAKE: Do you really have to call it that...

DIRK: Yes. We just bashed our balls together really hard on that fucking ramp or whatever in the most platonic of manners.

JAKE: Golly youre being a lot more vulgar today than usual.

Shrugging, Dirk walks over to the vending machine, pulling a few bills out of his pocket. When Jake follows, he’s surprised to see that Dirk has Alternian currency. The colorful alien paper is a stark contrast to the American dollar. Most vending machines accept Alternian currency, but Jake’s never seen Dirk with it.

JAKE: Whered you get those?

DIRK: Karkat pays my allowance with alien money just to be an asshole.

JAKE: Aww shucks. I doubt hes being an asshole on purpose.

JAKE: Maybe hes just trying to school you on the culture of his people.

DIRK: Troll culture is stinky poo poo.

JAKE: I thought you said you always admired their brutally spartanesque ways?

Dirk inserts the bills and selects a bag of strawberry gummies, sending the package tumbling down the machine with a clunk. After retrieving the snack from the hatch, he hands it to Jake.

DIRK: I meant that literally. They have a holiday where they decorate a giant pile of shit with ornaments, remember?

JAKE: Oh right. I forgot about that.

JAKE: Whats it called again? 12th pedigree eve?

DIRK: It seems you’re trying to recall the title of “12th Perigee’s Eve.”

DIRK: The Troll equivalent of Christmas, occurring around the same time of the sweep/year cycle. A troll's Lusus leaves prior to this event and returns on the day of this celebration with a behemoth leaving for the purpose of decorating, similar to the logging of conifers for use as Christmas trees.

JAKE: Yes im aware of–

DIRK: Every year, Karkat takes the role of my lusus and traverses the countryside in search for the largest piece of shit he can find. Last year he collected the dung of each and every hoofbeast on a local troll farm, with his bare hands, and sculpted them into a mighty leaving for Dave and I to decorate.

JAKE: Jumping jack rabbits, thats disgusting! Did he really?

DIRK: Of course fucking not.

DIRK: It seems you’re as gullible as always, English. Maybe convincing you to be my boyfriend again will be easier than I anticipated.

Jake’s grip on the bag of gummies tightens as his green eyes frown at Dirk. That statement doesn’t sit right with him, and not only because of the rudeness. He recalls a certain AI that SEEMS to always repeat certain phrases. Jake’s suspicions start to rise as he questions Dirk.

JAKE: “It seems?”

DIRK: Yes. It seems. As in, I’ve observed this to be true, but I may have made a miscalculation.

JAKE: “Miscalculation?!”

DIRK: Yes. Miscalculation. As in, my internal processes have deduced–

JAKE: “INTERNAL PROCESSES?!?!”

DIRK: Is something the matter, Jake?

Throwing the bag of gummies at Dirk, who catches them without missing a beat, Jake stomps in his boots. He raises his voice, gesturing wildly with his hands as his frustrations erupt.

JAKE: IS AUTO RESPONDER TALKING TO ME THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SPECTACLES RIGHT NOW?!

JAKE: Are you SERIOUSLY tasking that infernal contraption with sweet talking me into courting you again?!

JAKE: Well it aint goddamn working and I DEMAND to speak with my real flesh and blood pal, not some confounded mechanical scoundrel!

DIRK: Bullshit.

DIRK: I’m being, like, the perfect dude right now. A fully fucking legitimate human being.

JAKE: Then prove it! Take off those damned shades.

DIRK: Jake.

DIRK: That’s a bit forward, don’t you think?

JAKE: What?

DIRK: You’re demanding I peel away every layer of my carefully cultivated mystique, rendering me metaphorically and literally naked.

DIRK: Not that I’d have any qualms about baring my soul or naked form before you.

DIRK: But such an intimate act is best reserved for the sanctity of your private abode.

DIRK: Why don’t we head there now and–

JAKE: NO!

JAKE: Im not taking another step until you PROVE to me that youre not using your auto responder right now!!!

Jake crosses his arms and pouts, waiting for Dirk to prove himself. He’s had it up to here with all of this AI nonsense. The masked Dirk just tilts his head, still holding the bagged snacks.

DIRK: Jake.

JAKE: Auto responder.

DIRK: I, the real human Dirk Strider, can’t take off my shades.

DIRK: Why do you think I’m covering myself head to toe in black fabric like a fucking bank robber?

JAKE: Because its cold out and youre making some cockeyed ironic fashion statement i dont understand?

DIRK: No shit.

DIRK: But I’m also doing it because I’ve got the acne outbreak to end all acne outbreaks.

DIRK: The stress of my alien dad’s heart transplant transformed my entire body into the acne equivalent of World War III.

DIRK: Said stress is also responsible for my Auto-Responder impersonation stunt, my braindead attempt at irony to stave off the all-consuming Karkat-stress.

DIRK: But Karkat’s in recovery now, so I promise to refocus on us from now on.

DIRK: Can you find it in your heart to forgive me, Jakey?

JAKE: Golly i didnt realize you were all worked up over your pops...

Jake’s frown softens and he takes pity on Dirk, seeing the situation in a new light. Maybe Jake is jumping to conclusions. He remembers how stressful it was when his grandma had heart surgery all those years ago. If there’s ever a time for Dirk to act like more of an asshole than usual, now’s the time.

So Jake gives his good pal a toothy smile.

JAKE: Of course I forgive you, old sport. And im sorry for losing my cool and giving you a tongue lashing.

JAKE: Its just that damned auto responder of yours that sets my teeth on edge.

JAKE: But i understand. Lord knows ive been feeling the strain myself what with all this bullshit over college applications.

JAKE: Thats the reason i havent been too quick with replying to you lately. My apologies for that too, dirk.

DIRK: Ha.

Dirk doesn’t actually laugh, plainly speaking the word “Ha.” Jake raises an eyebrow.

JAKE: What?

DIRK: Nothing.

DIRK: Aside from the fact that the excuse you just spewed is the most egregiously disingenuous horseshit I’ve heard since the time I concocted the narrative about Karkat single-handedly sculpting horseshit with his bare hands as tools.

JAKE: Huh?!

DIRK: Just fucking with you. Platonically.

DIRK: Would you care to join me for a thrilling session of vr hunting, wherein we gleefully evade the inconvenient burden of processing our deeply repressed emotions?

JAKE: I thought youd never ask...

* * *

Dirk slams Dave’s car door shut and steps out into the parking lot under a dark sky, still wearing his SBAHJ sweatshirt. The sun has set, and the lot is illuminated by orange streetlights. Dirk is laser focused on sprinting towards the entrance to the arcade. So focused, that he doesn’t notice the tall, muscular troll standing on the sidewalk.

When Dirk passes him, Equius grabs the human’s arm, stopping him in his tracks a good distance from the arcade entrance.

EQUIUS: D --> I have an a%e to grind with you, Strider

DIRK: No time to grind right now, Eqs. Sorry.

Dirk tries to yank his arm away from the troll, but Equius is simply too STRONG. Equius doesn’t budge, standing on the cold sidewalk in his black tank top. (Anywhere above 30 degrees Fahrenheit is plenty warm for an indigoblood.) He adjusts his cracked shades with his free hand, long, black hair flowing in the brisk wind.

EQUIUS: D --> My artwork has been subjected to ridicu001 on your sa100n of a forum

EQUIUS: D --> As the e%clusive moderator, I demand you e%punge such foul remarks

DIRK: Nah.

DIRK: r/everyponysucks is firmly pro freedom of speech.

Again, Dirk tries to escape Equius’s grasp, frowning up through his sunglasses at the troll. They’ve known each other since kindergarten, and Dirk used to consider him a friend. He’s not sure what to consider Equius now, as their conversations tend to devolve into arguments nowadays. The troll is unfortunately as handsome as he is infuriating.

EQUIUS: D --> Free e%pression is hardly free if it tramples upon the feelings of a fellow Equestrian enthusiast

DIRK: What do you expect me to do in this situation?

DIRK: Delete those comments and inundate the thread with a legion of bots complimenting your slanderous artwork?

Dirk pauses, tilting his head as he thinks it over. His deadpan look doesn’t falter.

DIRK: Actually, that would be fucking hilarious.

DIRK: You’ve got yourself a deal, Zahhak.

The troll’s expression falls, genuinely insulted by Dirk’s joke.

EQUIUS: D --> Kindly e%plain what’s so slanderous about my e%uberant portrait of the rightfully STRONG Male!RainbowDash, resplendent as he gallops toward–

DIRK: Male!RainbowDash would never be that buff. Toned, sure, but not that Arnold-Swartzenager-lookin-ass you posted.

DIRK: And you made him way too stoic. Rainbow Dash is spunky and optimistic, no matter what gender.

EQUIUS: D --> It’s poor form to stoke infighting amongst your fellow furries–

DIRK: I’m not a fucking furry.

The human continues to interrupt without missing a beat. Equius bristles, as he hates being interrupted. He can never tell when Dirk is being sarcastic, either, and it constantly drives Equius up the wall.

EQUIUS: D --> Then why did you request I sp001 my resources into constructing a fursuit for you

DIRK: Does wearing a fursuit for Halloween one time four years ago, solely in the spirit of double-irony, doom me to be permanently labeled as a furry?

DIRK: God forbid a man have hobbies.

EQUIUS: D --> I don’t understand why you’re interpreting the word “furry” as an e%pletive

EQUIUS: D --> When you are the sole moderator of a subreddit devoted to MLP

EQUIUS: D --> How does this equate to irony

DIRK: It’s not just regular ironic shit we’re dealing with here, dude, but a carefully layered, triple-decker cake of advanced irony.

DIRK: And for the record, MLP enthusiasts aren’t fucking furries, they’re bronies. Big difference.

DIRK: But I don’t count myself among their ranks, except in those rare and highly ironic moments when identifying as one benefits me.

Dirk shakes his head, gesturing with his freehand as he explains his elaborate machinations of irony.

DIRK: I’m only pretending to be insulted by the label of “furry” for the sake of ironically portraying myself as someone who gives a fuck.

When Equius laughs, he kind of sounds like a horse, snorting and covering his mouth to hide it. Dirk really hates this guy’s ugly laugh, especially when it’s directed at him.

In the right context, though, it could be sort of cute.

EQUIUS: D --> I suspect you resort to labeling things as ironic when you’re actually embarrassed of your interests

EQUIUS: D --> Regardless as to if you’re sincerely engaged in said hobbies

DIRK: I’m not sincere about jack shit.

EQUIUS: D --> That remains to be seen

EQUIUS: D --> Fudgesicles, I’ve forgotten what we were discussing in the first place, lost in the labyrinth of your e%cuses

The human seems suitably distracted by Equius’s statements, as planned. Still holding on to Dirk’s arm, Equius glances at the cracked face of his watch, noting that it’s about time for his friend to exit the arcade.

Equius needs to stall Dirk and get him away from here.

The troll clears his throat, puffing out his chest as he lays out his rage bait, returning to the topic at hand as verbosely as possible to waste Dirk’s time.

EQUIUS: D --> Ah yes, I remember now

EQUIUS: D --> Rainbow Dash is as sprightly as a thoroughbred colt, indeed, but such e%uberant spunk may be e%tinguished by the ta%ing equino% of reality, galloping toward a world where one strives to become precisely 20% cooler as superior stallion rather than a mere mare

The human facepalms incredulously with his free hand. How did he ever consider this douche his friend? Dirk takes a deep breath before replying.

DIRK: She’s a rainbow-maned pony frolicking through a colorful utopia filled with magical friends and carefree escapades.

DIRK: What part of that is fucking reali–

DIRK: Wait.

Cutting himself off, Dirk’s eyebrows raise above his shades as processes the last part of what Equius just said. Somehow, Equius has gotten even worse since the last time they talked.

DIRK: Holy shit, you’re a misogynistic asshole.

EQUIUS: D --> Apologies

EQUIUS: D --> Perhaps we should trot through an e%tended le%ure on my comple% moral failings

DIRK: Where to even fucking start?

The human scoffs, still trying to pull away from Equius to no avail. He does have a lot of opinions on Equius’s shitty art, though. So the words flow without restraint.

DIRK: I’ve always thought your obsession with illustrating exclusively male musculature was shortsighted.

DIRK: Don’t get me wrong, I love the overblown beefcake aesthetic as much as the next androphilic guy.

DIRK: But why can’t the female anthro ponies have bulging biceps and rippling delts?

As Dirk continues to rant, Equius notices his friend and Jake walking out of the arcade behind Dirk. The troll tries not to get distracted, focused on keeping Dirk occupied. Yet with every word out of the human’s mouth, pitch feelings stir in Equius’s chest, and he feels sweat drip down his sides.

DIRK: And don’t even get me started on your Male!RainbowDash/Male!AppleJack ship.

DIRK: It’s not even a ship, it’s just a blatant vehicle for shoehorning in your cringey alien blood-racism. The ponies’ fur colors don’t equate to their blood color either, jackass.

DIRK: As if that wasn’t fucking egregious enough, you’ve created a dynamic that caters to some bizarre role-swaping power-trip fetish of yours, which–

EQUIUS: D --> E-e%cuse me

Stuttering, Equius’s hands tremble and his face blushes indigo as he glances down at his hand. His grip is leaving a damp spot on Dirk’s hoodie. It’s not the first time Dirk’s berated the troll like this, but it never fails to get Equius riled up. He only wishes his flustered state wasn’t so obvious.

The human follows his gaze, noticing the sweat stain, orange eyes widening behind his shades when he realizes how much Equius is perspiring. He tries not to think too hard about what weird alien emotions the troll might be experiencing. Dirk still can’t break free from Equius’s hold.

EQUIUS: D --> But I need to fetch some towels from my scuttletruck

EQUIUS: D --> Might we conclude our e%hilarating e%change there

DIRK: Not in your sweatiest daydreams, dude.

Desperate to escape, Dirk tries pulling his arm away again, causing the troll’s grip to falter slightly. But Equius starts dragging Dirk away, forcing Dirk to stumble after him. Even with all of the weight training Dirk does, he’s surprisingly no match for the indigoblood’s strength. Doesn’t stop Dirk from continuing to try, though.

DIRK: Equius, as much as I love imagining being forcefully dragged into the back of a muscular troll’s truck.

DIRK: I’m pretty sure the reality would be significantly worse, and probably illegal.

DIRK: So please release me before I have to resort to kicking you in your sweaty alien balls.

That vulgar statement only makes Equius sweat more, feeling his cheeks burn blue. He glances behind to see his friend successfully luring Jake away from the arcade. If Equius can get Dirk away, they’ll be in the clear.

EQUIUS: D --> That’s as filthy as it is nonsensical

EQUIUS: D --> If you’re referring to my globes, which would be e%tremely obscene

EQUIUS: D --> Troll globes are internal and therefore e%empt from being hoof-kicked directly

DIRK: That’s on the ever-expanding list of things I didn’t want to learn today, so thanks.

DIRK: But I’m pretty fucking sure kicking you in the groin won’t be a pleasant experience, regardless.

DIRK: Do here’s the deal: you have precisely five seconds to unhand me before I decide to test that theory anyway.

DIRK: Five. Four. Three. Two–

JAKE: DIRK?!

From the end of the sidewalk, Dirk swings his head in the direction of Jake’s voice, seeing his friend walk out of the arcade. His blood runs cold when he realizes Jake’s holding hands with a hooded figure.

A hooded figure in a pair of the same pointed sunglasses that Dirk wears.

DIRK: Jake?!

JAKE: Woah there! Hold your horses. Whats going on here?

JAKE: Is this one of those cockamamie schemes of yours, dirk?

JAKE: And whats our extraterrestrial chum Equius doing here?

EQUIUS: D --> Um

The masked “Dirk” tightens his grip on Jake’s hand, tugging him in the opposite direction of the troll. He explains the situation away.

“DIRK”: Nothing to worry about.

“DIRK”: That’s just my brother Dave, putting on his best impression of yours truly in a mildly pathetic effort to get close to Equius again.

“DIRK”: Fucking ignore it.

JAKE: Again?

“DIRK”: Yeah. Dave’s been hooked on horse tranquilizers lately and Equius has–

Dirk interrupts the imposter.

DIRK: Kindly refrain from dragging Dave’s reputation through whatever bullshit you’re implying.

DIRK: He’d never pretend to be me, and he thinks Equius is a creep.

EQUIUS: D --> Does he really

EQUIUS: D --> I was under the impression that Mr Strider was at least somewhat fond of me

While the troll is distracted, Dirk mercifully kicks Equius in the shins instead of the groin. Equius grunts, loosening his grip enough for Dirk to finally get away. The human jogs over to his imposter and Jake under the orange streetlights.

DIRK: Who the fuck are you and how do you sound exactly like me?

DIRK: I know Hal put you up to this.

“DIRK": Are you really this fucking dense, bro?

“DIRK": Dense like a black hole of social ineptitude with the intelligence of a horse.

EQUIUS: The muscular paragons of equine e%cellence are actually quite intelligent creatures, contrary to neigh-sayers who–

“DIRK": Get back to your shitty alien car, Zahhak.

EQUIUS: Understood

As Equius sulks back to his Alternian truck, Dirk faces the masked man.

DIRK: That was one of the shittiest metaphors I’ve heard in awhile.

DIRK: Worse than Hal’s–wait.

“DIRK": Waiting.

DIRK: Are you playing an AI-generated version of my voice through a speaker for Hal?!

“DIRK": Why would Hal want me to play an AI rendition of my older brother’s voice?

DIRK: I’m not your older brother. I’m not anyone’s fucking older brother.

“DIRK": Not yet.

DIRK: Is that an attempt at a joke?

DIRK: Now it’s obvious that Hal’s the one feeding you lines.

JAKE: Well ill be hog tied if ive got the faintest clue whats going on here gents.

While Dirk is mostly angry at this imposter, he’s also angry at Jake. He frowns down at Jake, crossing his arms in his black hoodie.

DIRK: Are you seriously so naive that you thought someone playing audio programmed to mimic my voice was actually me?

JAKE: Well he was mighty convincing!

DIRK: He’s completely shrouded in black fabric from head to toe, blatantly concealing his appearance

DIRK: Since when do I ever dress like that?

JAKE: I thought you might be dabbling in some ironic fashion statement.

DIRK: Jake.

DIRK: I rebuffed the results of that IQ test I made you take, on account of the test itself being extremely flawed.

DIRK: But I might have to reconsider the theory that you’re actually just a fucking dumbass.

JAKE: HEY!

Jake takes offense to that, placing his hands on his hips as he pouts. Dirk wishes Jake didn’t look cute when he does that.

JAKE: I had a lot on my plate when i took that test, but went ahead and did it for YOUR sake, pal!

JAKE: And wasnt that test some newfangled version you concocted yourself in the first place?

The masked figure replies before Dirk can.

“DIRK": I’ll admit, I did have some hand in altering the test.

“DIRK": In fact, I was so scared that you might be even marginally more intelligent than me that I rigged it so you’d get a low score.

DIRK: That’s not true!

DIRK: I don’t care if Jake’s smarter than me or not!

The desperation in Dirk’s voice makes the other “Dirk” tilt his head curiously, continuing to egg the human on.

“DIRK": Oh I care a shitton about that, son.

“DIRK": That’s why I’m always using big-ass words like “rebuffed” and “gudgeon.”

DIRK: I didn’t even say gudgeon.

“DIRK": No? Could’ve sworn I just heard you call Jake that.

JAKE: Maybe we should–

“Dirk” puts both of his gloved hands on Jake’s shoulders, starting to guide him away from the arcade.

“DIRK": Let’s get going, babe.

“DIRK": We’ve got some extremely awkward and extremely virginal sex to get to, considering I have a crippling fear of physical intimacy and also a very, VERY small penis.

DIRK: OH FUCK OFF.

Losing his cool for once, Dirk lunges at the stranger, tearing off his shades and masks while pulling down the hood.

Dirk is face-to-face with a robotic replica of himself, glowing red eyes grinning up at him. Taunting him.

JAKE: GREAT SCOTT!

DIRK: What the actual shit, Hal.

HAL: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder.

DIRK: No I didn’t.

DIRK: Where the fuck did you get this robot? Equius!?

HAL: This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise–

Dirk shoves Hal to the ground as the robot continues to mock his pre-programmed response. Hal’s red eyes flicker, though he remains undamaged, even as Dirk punches him in the face. The human’s knuckles sting on impact.

HAL: –inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be–

Ignoring his bleeding knuckles, Dirk continues punching Hal in his metallic visage as hard as he can. Repeatedly. Jake watches in horror. Equius is impressed, and sweaty.

HAL: –indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.

* * *

The next day, Dirk is sitting at the small table in Karkat’s hospital room, staring down at an orange-and-white-striped box. His bandaged hands are hidden by black gloves, and he opted for a white shirt today. Dave sits across from Dirk, smiling in a way that accentuates a few newly-formed wrinkles. Karkat is still lying in his hospital bed, unable to muster much of a grin, but trying not to look TOO miserable.

DAVE: sorry were celebrating your 18th late, dirk

DIRK: It’s fine.

DAVE: and also at the hospital

DIRK: It’s fine.

DAVE: buuuuuuut we got the cake you wanted!

Dave takes the cover of the box off, revealing a cake with orange frosting that’s decorated with orange flowers and green leaves on top. On the cake is written “happy birthday dirk” in all lowercase, as Dave requested.

DAVE: happy 18th birthday!

Dirk doesn’t react.

It’s not abnormal for Dirk to have subdued reactions, but he usually at least attempts to smile on his birthday. Dave can’t blame him for not being excited, though. The older Strider sighs.

DAVE: i know its not much

DAVE: and almost two weeks late–

DIRK: We celebrated your birthday on time.

The room falls silent. Both brothers share the same birthday, December 3rd, and it’s now the 15th. Karkat defends Dave, his voice still strained.

KARKAT: but we hardly had TIME to celebrate dave’s before rose’s HUGE-ASS 50th wriggling day party!

KARKAT: PLUS we were busy planning my surgery.

KARKAT: you said you didn’t care if we celebrated yours late, dirk.

DIRK: ...

Dirk stares down at the cake through his shades with an absent look.

DIRK: Thanks.

DAVE: woah there

DAVE: dont get too excited now

DAVE: karkat isnt supposed to get worked up

DIRK: Yeah.

Even as Dave tries to lighten the mood with a joke, Dirk isn’t very responsive. Whenever he starts speaking in single words, Dave knows Dirk is in a bad mood. Dave starts cutting the cake, serving his brother a slice on a paper plate.

DAVE: you alright?

DIRK: Yeah.

DAVE: ...you sure?

DIRK: Yeah.

Suppressing a sigh, Dirk pokes the piece of cake with a plastic fork. How is he supposed to tell Dave that an AI has been ruining his life for the past 5 years? How can he tell Dave that said AI somehow recently acquired a robotic body and is now terrorizing his relationship with Jake?

Dirk hasn’t even told his brother he was dating Jake in the first place.

Instead of opening that can of worms, Dirk stays silent, eating his cake without a word. It tastes pretty good, the orange flavor a small comfort to his taste buds when everything else feels so bleak. Orange is his favorite.

DAVE: you want some cake, karkat?

KARKAT: no thanks, human cake is nasty to me and i’m PRETTY sure i shouldn’t be eating that shit after getting my pump biscuit torn out.

DAVE: right

Dave munches on his slice too, chewing as he tries to think of something to say. The silence is tense, and Karkat can’t stand it, so he suggests they move things along.

KARKAT: how about you give dirk our gift?

DAVE: good idea

His husband stands up, picking up the gift bag he hid under his red jacket by the door. Hiding birthday gifts from his brother is something Dave used to always do when Dirk was a kid, though he probably didn’t have to hide it this time.

DAVE: here ya go bro

DAVE: happy birth

DIRK: Thanks.

It’s hard for Dirk to feel much of anything when he looks at the gift bag, taking it from Dave. The bag is surprisingly heavy, so he sets it on the ground. He pulls out his gift and his eyes widen when realizes it’s an Alternian Husktop with all the latest specs. It’s more advanced than anything currently manufactured on Earth. He turns the hefty box over in his hands, only able to translate a handful of the Alternian script.

Dirk’s lips curl up ever so slightly, in the smallest of smiles.

DIRK: Holy shit.

DIRK: You didn’t have to get me this.

DIRK: It must’ve been expensive as fuck.

KARKAT: it was.

DAVE: but since your cousin cronus–

KARKAT: DON’T FUCKING CALL HIM HIS COUSIN!!

DIRK: He’s not my cousin.

When Karkat and Dirk interrupt Dave at the same time, Dave laughs, putting his hands up in sarcastic defense.

DAVE: jesus guys

DAVE: sorry to acknowledge the fact that cronus is technically family now

DAVE: but anyway

DAVE: since the fish troll we all hate paid for karkats surgery

DAVE: we decided to go all out on your birthday gift

DAVE: because you deserve it

Dave places a hand on Dirk’s shoulder, beaming down at him with pride.

DAVE: the last 18 years have been some of the most difficult years of my life

DAVE: but also the most fulfilling

DAVE: im so glad i got to raise you to be the amazing young man you are today

DAVE: happy birthday dirk

Feeling genuinely appreciated by his older brother, Dirk continues to grin slightly back up at Dave from his seat. He knows Dave sacrificed a lot in order to act as his father, but looking back, Dirk’s childhood was always full of joy and laughter.

Dirk wishes he was still that happy. But that’s not Dave’s fault.

DIRK: Thanks, bro.

DAVE: no problem bro

DAVE: and thats just the first surprise

Dave winks at Dirk and walks out of the hospital room. His brother is left confused, questioning Karkat.

DIRK: Where’s he going?

KARKAT: can’t tell you! it’s a surprise.

Karkat responds with a chuckle. Lying in his hospital bed, in the same ugly hospital gown he hates, Karkat’s face is slightly less blue than the day before. Still, he looks (and feels) like death, and Dirk can’t help but feel sorry for his dad/bro-in-law.

The two are silent for a bit before Karkat speaks up.

KARKAT: did something happen with you and jake?

KARKAT: he’s in one of your quadrants, isn’t he?

The question catches Dirk off guard and he frowns, annoyed that Karkat is butting into his relationships. He hasn’t even told Karkat or Dave that he was dating Jake.

DIRK: What the hell makes you think that we’re together?

KARKAT: i’m not fucking STUPID, dirk. i’m a hardened veteran of romantic studies!

KARKAT: anyone with EYES can see that you have romantic feelings for jake.

KARKAT: you always sit so close to him on the loungeplank.

DIRK: ...

KARKAT: and actually, terezi suspects you’re in one of jake’s quadrants too, and she doesn’t even HAVE eyes.

DIRK: It’s not any of your damn business, and why the fuck does Terezi know about it?

KARKAT: i know it’s not my business. but i’m always here if you want to talk about it.

KARKAT: as for terezi, fuck if i know! she’s just ALWAYS up in everyone’s shit about EVERYTHING, somehow.

DIRK: I don’t appreciate you gossipping about Jake and me with your ex’s kismesis.

KARKAT: i wasn’t–HEY! DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO BRING UP MY EX?

Karkat’s not yelling, but his voice returns to its normal volume when Dirk references the fact that Terezi is still Gamzee’s kismesis. Not a day goes by that Karkat doesn’t think about his ex-moirail at least once, but he’d still rather not be reminded of Gamzee right now.

DIRK: I could ask the same of you.

KARKAT: JAKE’S YOUR EX NOW!?

DIRK: ...

The troll’s expression falls at this revelation, feeling bad for his brother-in-law. He sighs, lowering his voice again.

KARKAT: i’m sorry, i didn’t realize you guys broke up.

DIRK: Please don’t tell Dave.

KARKAT: why not?

Dirk turns away from Karkat in his seat, poking at his slice of cake again.

DIRK: I’m not in the mood for one of his fatherly lectures right now.

DIRK: I’ve dealt with so much bullshit these last few days that I’d rather not be subjected to his laughable attempts at making me feel better.

KARKAT: THAT’S NOT FAIR. dave tries really hard to cheer you up when he can!

DIRK: Yeah, but sometimes it’s more annoying than helpful.

KARKAT: HOW CAN YOU–

Before Karkat can reply, Dave walks back into the hospital room with two guests: a tall troll woman in green lipstick and an equally-tall, human woman with short, blonde hair. They wave at Dirk, each approaching him with a wrapped present in hand.

Dave gestures to them with his hands, as if presenting a gift of his own.

DAVE: surprise!

ROSE: Happy 18th birthday, Dirk.

ROSE: Hope it’s full of mirth and merriment, and only a marginal amount of mayhem.

KANAYA: Agreed

KANAYA: Congratulations On No Longer Being Considered A Wiggler In The Face Of The Earth Law

ROSE: Just the American law, not the entire Earth, honey.

KANAYA: Oh Right

KANAYA: I Sometimes Forget Your Planet Is Not Ruled By A Singular Practically Immortal Empress

DAVE: not yet at least

KARKAT: DON’T FUCKING JINX US!!

Rose hands Dirk her present and chuckles softly at Karkat.

ROSE: I’m glad to see my alien brother-in-law is as ornery as ever.

ROSE: But shouldn’t you be staying as calm as possible, for your new heart’s sake?

KARKAT: i AM calm! you have no idea how much LESS calm i could be right now.

ROSE: I have some idea.

ROSE: You were quite the drunken spectacle at my birthday party.

DAVE: oh god hahahaha

Karkat’s face burns blue with embarrassment as he recalls the hazy memory of drinking way too much at Rose’s party. He glares at Dave, who forces out a cough to stop himself from laughing. Naturally, Karkat blames Rose for his actions.

KARKAT: that was YOUR fault for forcing the guests to drink so fucking much!

ROSE: I don’t recall forcing anyone to do anything.

KARKAT: YEAH! because you were too fucking HUMAN DRUNK to remember!!

KANAYA: Um

KANAYA: I Believe We Are Here To Celebrate Dirks Wriggling Day

KANAYA: Not To Reminisce Over Who May Or May Not Have Been Human Drunk

All four sets of eyes turn towards Dirk, and he just silently stares back at them. Seeing his older sister is always...uncomfortable, to say the least. They’ve never been very close, and knowing that Rose refused to be the one to raise him, after their biological father died, always rubbed Dirk the wrong way.

The middle-aged woman’s smile is calm and polite, yet cold, as she stands there in her gothic, lavender coat.

ROSE: Aren’t you going to open our gifts?

ROSE: Or perhaps you’d prefer to sit there, silently withdrawing further into the recesses of your own mind while the world carries on without you.

DAVE: uh mind laying off the wordy sarcasm?

DAVE: dirks had a tough day

DIRK: I’m fine.

Tearing off the wrapping paper of the heavier present, Dirk reveals Rose’s gift to be a signed box set of her extremely successful book series: Complacency of the Learned. Dirk doesn’t react to this, remaining unphased.

He never liked her books.

DIRK: Thanks.

ROSE: You’re very welcome.

ROSE: And if you’re not fond of my series, this signed set should fetch a hefty price online.

Somehow, Rose never fails to know exactly what Dirk is thinking. He doesn’t reply.

Instead, Dirk moves on to Kanaya’s gift, which is wrapped in floral wrapping paper and topped with a large bow. Inside, an equally decorated box holds an orange, hand-knitted sweater with a black horse on the front. It’s well made, and Dirk already knows he’ll be wearing it–for ironic reasons, of course.

DIRK: Thanks, Kanaya.

KANAYA: Youre Welcome

KANAYA: Rose Helped Me Create The Pattern And I Knitted It Myself

KANAYA: You Still Like Hoofbeasts Right

DIRK: Yeah, looks great.

Dirk grins a bit and Kanaya clasps her hands together in joy, glad that he seems to approve of her present. The troll is wearing a dark green dress with abstract patterns sewn onto it, a style all her own.

Her wife takes a step back, pulling out one of her knitting needles. Dirk rolls his eyes behind his shades.

It’s the start of one of Rose’s magic tricks.

ROSE: While Dirk is the most obviously deserving recipient of gifts, I would argue he is not the only.

The blonde waves her needle around like a wand, flourishing it as Kanaya happily applauds. Kanaya is the only one genuinely excited, and Dave smiles along, supportive of his sister’s magic hobby. But Dirk and Karkat remain unamused by her impromptu performance.

ROSE: If the whispers I’ve caught wind of are to be trusted, there exists a certain extraterrestrial who has undergone a life-changing surgical procedure.

ROSE: Who might that be?

KARKAT: i guess that fucker is me.

Rose twirls her way over to Karkat’s hospital bed, holding out her hand.

ROSE: Correct, you are that fucker. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

ROSE: I understand that you are also preparing to embark on a significant chapter of your life.

ROSE: Such a milestone surely merits a gift, wouldn’t you agree?

KARKAT: not gonna say no to free shit!

In a puff of purple smoke, Rose taps her needle-wand against her palm. Once the smoke clears, she’s holding a small present. Kanaya and Dave both clap, though Dave claps more slowly. Dirk doesn’t budge.

Karkat starts coughing, waving the smoke away with his hand as he yells at her from his hospital bed.

KARKAT: THANKS FOR MAKING ME INHALE WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT WAS, ASSHOLE!

KARKAT: ugh...i’m fucking SICK! have some restraint with the WEIRDO magic act, GOD...

ROSE: My apologies. I hope my gift is a sufficient reparation for interrupting your respiration.

She hands Karkat the gift with a relaxed expression. The troll snatches it from her hands, frowning until he opens it. Once he sees what’s inside, his mouth curves up into a beaming smile.

KARKAT: AWW! THAT’S ADORABLE!

Karkat grins down at the little red sweater, which is knit to have holes for all six of a wiggler’s legs. It reminds him of Kankri’s sweater, down to the stitch pattern. He wonders if Porrim had some hand in making this. He hopes Kanaya didn’t tell Porrim they’re adopting; Porrim is the biggest gossiper there is, besides Kankri.

But as soon as Karkat starts to hold it up, he slams it back down into the box, closing it shut. He glances at Dirk, and then his in-laws.

KARKAT: uh thanks for the gift!

KARKAT: you two should go now, BYE!

DAVE: wait i want to see–

KARKAT: LATER!

KANAYA: Why Are You–

KARKAT: IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE, OK?

Karkat mimes zuipping his lips, but this only makes Rose and Kanaya more suspicious. Dirk just assumes Karkat is being weird as usual. Before the women can reply, Dave catches on to why Karkat is being avoidant.

DAVE: oh

DAVE: yeah we can talk about it in the lobby if you want

DAVE: but were still cooking some surprises for dirk up in here

KANAYA: How Is Adop–

KARKAT: SHSHHHSHSHHHSUSH!!! SHHH!!!

KANAYA: Oh

KANAYA: I Wont Discuss It Then

KARKAT: THANKS.

KARKAT: so anywayyyy...where’s rosemary?

ROSE: At her step-sister’s house.

The room falls silent. Karkat facepalms. Somehow, by mentioning Kanaya and Rose’s troll daughter, Karkat managed to bridge the conversation to an even worse, more sensitive topic. Dirk is confused.

DIRK: Rosemary has a step-sister?

ROSE: You didn’t know?

ROSE: How many secrets are Dave and Karkat keeping from you, I wonder?

Dirk frowns at his brother.

DIRK: A whole fucking lot, apparently.

DAVE: he doesnt need to know

DIRK: I’m an adult now. Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on?

DAVE: because its...!

Dave pinches his forehead, trying to calculate which conversation would be slightly less painful to have right now. He decides to let his brother choose.

DAVE: ok look

DAVE: you really wanna know?

DAVE: then choose one

DIRK: What?

DAVE: choose which you wanna know!

DAVE: because i cant fuckin handle having both of these conversations right now

DAVE: like emotionally

DAVE: so do you want to know about what karkat and i have been hiding from you

DAVE: which is probably a happier fact in the long run but still has a chance of ending tragically

DAVE: or the truth about who rosemarys step-sister is

DAVE: which would be way more fuckin awkward and depressing considering rose and kanaya are here

DIRK: Why can’t you tell me both–

DAVE: i will eventually!

DAVE: please cut me some slack

DAVE: i dont WANT to talk about either of these things

Dirk looks to Rose and Kanaya for their reactions. Kanaya is staring down at the floor with a strained expression, while Rose is scrolling on her phone, unbothered. Dirk knows they’ve had a rocky relationship, but he doesn’t know all the details.

And he doesn’t really give a shit about it.

DIRK: Fine. What have Karkat and you been hiding from me?

Dave sighs, exchanging a look with Karkat. After Karkat nods, Dave finally tells Dirk the truth.

DAVE: were adopting a wiggler

This isn’t a shocking reveal to Dirk. If anything, he’s just confused why his brother wouldn’t tell him this in the first place. Dirk wonders how much Dave and Karkat have been hiding from him, if something so arbitrary as deciding to adopt a troll baby has to be a secret.

DIRK: Why were you hiding that from me...?

DAVE: because were only doing it if karkat recovers from his surgery

Dave’s tone is unusually somber, and he looks more to Karkat than his brother as he explains their thought process.

DAVE: ive always been kinda unsure about the whole grubby insect baby thing

DAVE: but its karkats dream yknow?

DAVE: to raise a wiggler of his own and provide a family to a baby troll

DAVE: and...itd be too fuckin heartbreaking to adopt before we know for sure karkats gonna make it

DAVE: the thought of him dying young and leaving behind a kid is too much for me

DAVE: and i wouldnt want you to have to deal with that either, dirk

DAVE: so i promised karkat that if he makes it, well adopt a troll baby together