Archive of Our Own ^beta

Waylon: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.

Cordie: FORTY-FIVE SECONDS?!?

Waylon: No! Four to five seconds!

Cordie: Too late!!!

Di: I'm a reverse necromancer.

Klied: Isn't that just killing people?

Di: Ah, technicality.

Waylon: Cordie and I don’t use pet names.

Jo: I see. Hey, what do bees make?

Waylon: Honey?

Cordie: Yes, dear?

Waylon:

Jo: Don't ever lie to my face again.

Max: You have to apologize to Ic-0n

Kirie: Fine.

Kirie: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

*The squad is having dinner together*

Max: Ic-0n, can you pass the salt?

Ic-0n: *Throws Kirie across the table*

Waylon: Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night.

Jo: You were flirting with Cordie.

Waylon: So what? She’s my girlfriend.

Jo: You asked her if she was single.

Waylon:

Jo: And then you cried when she said she wasn't.

Klied: So that’s my plan.

Di: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean.

Klied: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.

Di: It fucking sucks.

Klied: That’s not constructive criticism.

Di: I went through an entire character arc during quarantine

Di: I became more evil if you’re curious

Klied: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still!

Di: I’m going to get worse on purpose

Max: Time for plan G.

Ic-0n: Don’t you mean plan B?

Max: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Waylon: What about plan D?

Max: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Cordie: What about plan E?

Max: I’m hoping not to use it. Ic-0n dies in plan E.

Kirie: I like plan E.

'Can I copy the homework?'

Max: I can help you with it!

Ic-0n: Yeah, sure.

Waylon: Bold of you to assume I did the homework.

Cordie: lol nope.

Klied: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!

Di: *Read 5:55pm*

Kirie: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Ic-0n: >:O language

Cordie: Yeah watch your fucking language

Waylon: OKAY WHO TAUGHT CORDIE THE FUCK WORD?

Klied: 'The fuck word'.

Di: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

Cordie: Oh my god they censored it

Klied: Say fuck, Di.

Cordie: Do it, Di. Say fuck.

*Waylon is cooking*

Cordie: Any chance that’s for me?

Waylon: It’s for Ic-0n. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need her on my side.

Max: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

[The group is a prison cell that was just hit by an earthquake]

Ic-0n: Uh, I'm gonna roll a perception check of... 4, and see if our cell is, uh, in any way damaged by this quake

Max: You're in a prison cell :)

Waylon: You did great. Well, I got a 10-

Max: You're in a prison cell with bars on it :3

Cordie: I got a 1!

Max: You're in... a cube-shaped place.

Max: *Gently taps table*

Ic-0n: *Taps back*

Cordie: What are they doing?

Waylon: Morse code.

Max: *Aggressively taps table*

Ic-0n: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

Max: On the count of three, what's your favorite cake? One, two, three-

Max and Ic-0n, in unison: Chocolate cake peanut butter frosting with chocolate chunks!

Waylon: Our turn, Cordie! One, two, three- vanilla!

Cordie, deadpan: I've never had cake, what is cake.

*The group is getting into the car*

Waylon: I’m driving.

Cordie, out of view: Shotgun!

Jo, turning to face Cordie: Aww! But you had it on the way here-

Everyone except Cordie: WHOA-

Cordie, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun*

Jo: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste

Cordie: We got spring water

Jo: NO.

Waylon: With EXTRA minerals

Cordie: It's like licking a stalagmite

Jo: DON'T COME HOME.

Waylon: Mmmmm cave water

Jo: Cordie and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us

Waylon: *Sighing* What did Cordie do?

Jo: She chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and...

Cordie: Who wants a steering wheel?

Cordie: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Jo: Wasn't Waylon with you?

Waylon: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

Max: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me.

Ic-0n: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?

Max: Yes!

Kirie: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Waylon: How's the sexiest person here~?

Cordie: I don't know, how are they~?

Waylon, flustered: I-

Jo, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!

Waylon: What's a word that’s a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?

Jo: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-

Cordie: Smad.

Max: What time is it?

Ic-0n: I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out

Ic-0n: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*

Kirie: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING

Ic-0n: It’s 2 am

Waylon: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on.

Jo: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m mean and Cordie isn’t

Klied: Okay, help me please!

Di: Got two words for you.

Klied: I bet they won't be helpful.

Di: Your problem.

Klied: I was right

Klied, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!

Di: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

Kirie: *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things.

*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*

Ic-0n: *Out of breath* SHE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.

Max: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

Kirie: You mean literally or figuratively?

Max: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify…

Ic-0n: People are always asking me if I'm a morning person or a night person.

Ic-0n: And I'm just like, 'Buddy! I'm barely even a PERSON!'

Waylon: Well, well, well... if it isn’t my old friend: the dawning realization that I fucked up bad.

Jo: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck

Cordie: You think I really give a fuck? I can’t even read.

Waylon: Died and came back as a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

Waylon: My life isn’t as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.

Kirie: Okay okay stop asking me if I'm straight, gay, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT.

Cordie: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship! ... And this knife I found.

Waylon: Come on, Jo. Nobody actually believes that Cordie is in love with me.

Jo, to The Squad: Raise your hand if you think that Cordie is helplessly in love with Waylon.

*Everyone raises their hand*

Waylon: Cordie, put your hand down.

Jo: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?

Ic-0n: IT.

Max: Annabelle.

Cordie: Paranormal Activity.

Waylon: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.

Waylon: You bought a taco?

Cordie: Yes.

Waylon: From the same truck that hit Jo?!

Cordie, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help her.

Waylon: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Jo: You're a hazard to society

Cordie: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

Jo: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?

Cordie: Sex.

Waylon: Seriously, answer faster.

Cordie: I’m sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn’t thinking about sex with you.

Waylon: It’s like a giant hug.

Jo: Max, what about you? What would you give up sex or food?

Max: Food.

Jo: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?

Max: Oh my God it’s like the movie Sophie’s Choice.

Ic-0n: What about you Kirie? What would you give up sex or food?

Kirie: Oh... um... I don’t know, it’s too hard.

Ic-0n: No, you gotta pick one.

Kirie: Um, food... no, sex... no, food... sex... food. Ugh! I don’t know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread!

Ic-0n: Wait, hold up, why do you draw yourself like that?

Kirie: Uh, like what?

Ic-0n: Like with gorgeous, muscular legs.

Kirie: Uh, this is what I look like.

Ic-0n:

Kirie: THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE!

Ic-0n: Okay, then I want big beefy arms. Hot ones.

Waylon: I wanna have a cowboy hat!

Kirie: Okay, arms and hat. *draws them*

Cordie: Ooh, give me a cowboy hat too!

Kirie: You can't just take Waylon's hat idea, Cordie! He thought it up all by himself like a good person! Come up with your own thing!

Cordie: BUT I WANNA LOOK COOL!

Jo: Put Cordie on one of those stupid baby tricycles.

Cordie: NO!!

Kirie: Tricycle, done. *draws it* Max, want anything?

Jo, making finger guns: Pew pew.

Kirie: A gun?! No, that's not really my style, Jo.

Max, making finger guns: Pew pew.

Kirie: You know what, okay. *draws it* But it's just for holding, not for shooting.

Waylon: Pros and cons of dating me.

Waylon: Pros. You'll be the cute one.

Waylon: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

Kirie: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.

Cordie: Well, Waylon and I finally did it!

The rest of the squad: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.*

Cordie: That's right... We kissed!

Cordie: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!

Jo: Please, just say fuck.

Waylon: I love you.

Cordie, not paying attention: What was that?

Waylon: I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

Kleid: This bloodline ends with me.

Di: That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say "I'm gay".

Ic-0n: We should get you to a doctor for a check up immediately. What if it happens again, and there isn’t anyone around to help you? What if it’s congenital? Oh my God! Was it me? Did I hurt you?

Max: …You realize any other person that made their partner pass out in bed would simply feel really proud of themselves, right?

Waylon: I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

Cordie: Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal.

Waylon, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is.

Cordie: You look good in that hoodie.

Waylon: You know where else I'd look good?

Cordie, zero hesitation: My bed.

Waylon, at the same time: By your side- wait, what?

Kirie: I wouldn’t wish that upon my worse enemy!

Kirie: Unless of course. . We’re talking about my enemy, Ic-0n. Fuck you Ic-0n, you know what you did!

Cordie: What’s your biggest fear?

Jo: I am incredibly arachnophobic.

Cordie, under her breath: You don’t want spiders to get married?

Waylon: Why do you let me win when we race up the stairs? You’re the faster one.

Cordie: Erm... it’s nice to see your smile when you win!

*later*

Waylon: She’s probably just staring at my ass, isn’t she?

Jo: Yeah, probably.

Ic-0n: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I’d just be excited to have a bunk bed.

Kirie:

Kirie: I'm gonna tell her.

Max: Don't you dare.

Waylon: *yawns*

Cordie: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.

Waylon: Then you must be exhausted.

Jo: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.

Jo: Yesterday, I overheard Waylon saying “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Cordie replying “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

Max: Pfft, you should meet Ic-0n, she’s such a tsundere.

Waylon: She... she just stabbed you.

Max: So cute.

Kirie: As your best friend—

Max: Ic-0n is my best friend.

Kirie, holding a knife: As your best friend—

Jo: I know you love him.

Cordie: I am not in love with Waylon!

Jo, staring at Cordie: I never said who...

Cordie: *realizes*

Cordie: Shit. Well, anyways-

Di: There. How do I look?

Klied: Like a cheap French harlot.

Di: French?!

Max: This is a very powerful artifact. You’d be messing with some forces we don’t fully understand.
Ic-0n: That sounds like a dare to me.
Max: Oh my god.

Klied: Look Di, I'm not slut shaming you but…

Klied: Actually yeah, I'm TOTALLY slut shaming you.

Di: Klied, I screwed up, big time.

Klied: Di, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

Max: It’s not that I don’t trust Ic-0n, I just... don’t trust her impulse control.

Jo, driving Waylon and Cordie: So how was your day?

Cordie: We almost got surprise adopted!

Jo: What?

Waylon: We almost got kidnapped.

Jo: Oh, okay.

Jo: * slams on the brakes* WAIT WHAT?!

The squad is trying to con some random guy

Jo: Um, Waylon, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family?

Waylon: We need money!

Jo: You're scamming him?

Waylon: I was thinking more like flat- out stealing from him?

Jo: What?! No way!

Waylon: Why not? We already stole Cordie!

Cordie: Hey guys

Jo: No, we didn't. Cordie can think and talk for herself, she can do whatever she wants!

Cordie: I wanna steal

Waylon: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

Cordie: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

Max: A realist sees a freight train.

Ic-0n: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Max: Guys… the principal just called—

Jo: It was Cordie!

Cordie: It was Kirie!

Kirie: It was Ic-0n!

Ic-0n: It was me!

Jo, to Cordie: My life is in the hands of an idiot!

Cordie, motioning to herself and Waylon: No no no no no, TWO idiots!