Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kunikida: tell me why Ranpo just looked at me dead in the eyes and smiled creepily

Ranpo: idk why did i?

Yosano: Ranpo leave the poor man alone he's already been through enough the past few days

Atsushi: no because he did it to me too like sir why?

Ranpo: because i can duh

Fukuzawa added 9 people to the armed drug addicts

Oda: uh sir what is this?

Fukuzawa: After the cannibalism ability and the war I talked with dazai-san and we decided to make a group chat to make sure the peace treaty we have stand and to make our teamwork smoother when we have joint missions.

Kunikida: Are you sure this is a good idea, president?

8 other people are online

Chuuya: the fuck is this?

Dazai: what does it look like to you Chuuya?

Dazai: WAIT- THE GROUP CHAT NAME?

Gin: that's hilarious

Higuchi: how is this one worse than ours

Hirotus: because sadly ours is true

Akutagawa left the group chat

Dazai added Akutagawa to armed drug addicts

Akutagawa left the group chat

Dazai added Akutagawa to armed drug addicts

Akutagawa left the group chat

Dazai: ryuu stop

Akutagawa: i am not going to be in a group chat with the jinko

Atsushi: i breathed what the fuck

Akutagawa: maybe stop breathing

Akutagawa left the group chat

Yosano: dude said what he needed to and dipped

Dazai added Akutagawa to armed drug addicts

Dazai: enough
Akutagawa: sorry boss

Kouyou: Why exactly were we added to a group chat with the detective agency?

Dazai: so next time something happens to either me or Fukuzawa-san again we don't go to war

Kunikida: this is a mistake

Atsushi: This can only end in one way…

Yosano: gay sex?

Gin: murder?

Ranpo: it can end in two ways actually

Ranpo: oh!! We should do introductions i'll go first

Ranpo: i'm ranpo edogawa the world's best detective

Chuuya: im calling bullshit on that

Ranpo: oh mr.fancy hat you finally got out

Dazai: chuuya don't

Chuuya: i wasnt even going to say anything

Dazai: right…

Two people are online

Kenji: oh!! New people!! Hi im kenji!!! :D

Gin: so bright…

Tachihara: i'm just gonna say this here since we're all here now

Tachihara: I lost track of kaji…

Dazai: you what…

Chuuya: GOD DAMNIT TACHIHARA

Tachihara: IM SORRY!!!!

Hirotsu: i just got a call from the guards at warehouse 6

Hirotsu: its been blown up…

Tachihara: found him…

Dazai: this is coming out of your paycheck tachihara

Tachihara: yes boss…

Two people have gone offline

Ranpo: How are they worse than us?

Chapter Text

The port (acid trip) mafia

Chuuya: PRETTY LITTLE TATTOOED BODY WHAT A PERFECT VIEW 🤤🙏🏻

Chuuya: AND SHE LIKES TO BE EXTRA NAUGHTY WHEN SHE'S IN THE MOOD 😏🫦

Chuuya: SHE GOT THOSE BRIGHT EYES IN THE NIGHT A HIDDEN THIGH TATTOO 🥺🫣

Chuuya: SO WE'LL GO TIRE OUT OUR BODIES 🥴🍆

Chuuya: CAUSE THAT'S WHAT SINNERS DO 😮‍💨😈

Higuchi: SIR NOBODY HERE WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE

Gin: ESPECIALLY WHEN IT INVOLVES SOMEONE YOU SEE AS A MOTHER FIGURE

Akutagawa: WHAT SHE SAID

Tachihara: okay but like bryce savage>>>>>

Gin: …

Gin has kicked tachihara out of the port (acid trip) mafia

Higuchi: HELPJDHNCNLKDC

Gin: Anyways, is chuuya-san drunk?

Higuchi: So were just blowing past what Chuuya just said?

Higuchi: ALSO THE FACT THAT OUR BOSS HAS TATTOOS???

Dazai: yes we are actually

The port (acid trip) mafia
Tachihara: Can I quit? Is that still an option? Is it too late to leave? Am I stuck here for life?

Kouyou: why is tachihara having an existential crisis?

Higuchi: when isnt he having a existential crisis

Tachihara: one fuck you

Tachihara: two

Tachihara: BECAUSE GIN IS A LITTLE BITCH

Gin: I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST COME FOR MY HEIGHT YOU CUNT

Tachihara: THIS BITCH ALMOST GOT ME KILLED

Akutagawa: deserved

Tachihara: i hate you and your sister

Tachihara: also gin you owe me a new jacket

Gin: fine just so you can shut up

Guns and knifes

Higuchi: “just so you can shut up” my ass

Gin: okay now you shut up before you get your skin peeled off

Higuchi: lol

The port (acid trip) mafia
akutagawa : you know i love rina but she's too much like her parents

Gin: meaning she's a little shit

Kouyou: agreed

Hirotsu: agreed

Chuuya: alright what the fuck man

Dazai: lol

The port (acid trip) mafia

Kaji: so…

Dazai: what did you do now

Kaji: umm warehouse C5 and B2 were blown up…

Dazai:...

Higuchi: did anyone else hear that scream from the boss's office?

Akutagawa: HUH????????/

Akutagawa: IS DAZAI-SAN FINE? DID ANYTHING HAPPEN? DID AN ENEMY GET TO HER?

Chuuya: Osamus fine… sorta… she looked at her phone disappointingly put it down and let out the most frustrated scream i've ever heard from her

Dazai: kaji i swear your a social experiment so human evolution knows to move forward not backwards

Gin: LAMOOOO

Higuchi: HELPGDFDJNLNCCMM

Gin: wait…

Tachihara: ???

Gin: did you say warehouse B2

Kaji: yeah…?

Gin:...

Gin: KAJI WHAT THE FUCK THAT WERE I KEEP MY COOKIES

Kaji: IM SORRY!!!

Tachihara: i've eaten gins cookies before and i've got one thing to say…

Tachihara: your fucked

Akutagawa: so fucked

Kaji: WAIT HUH???

Kaji: GUYS????

Kaji: ALRIGHT WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHERS GO OFFLINE???

Kaji: GUYS I JUST HEARD SOMETHING…

Kaji: GUYS PLEASE!!!

Kaji: HELP SHES HERNBCHIJCHJLDCJJVVH

Tachihara: welp rip kaji 💔

Akutagawa: you will be forgotten and definitely not missed

Higuchi: 💀

Chuuya: L

Dazai: L

Tachihara: L

Akutagawa: L
Higuchi: L

Hirotsu: L

Kouyou: L

Gin: L 💀

Dazai: the fact that everyone and their mothers signed on for that

The port (acid trip) mafia

Dazai: YOU TALKED ME UNDER THE TABLE 🥹😭

Dazai: TALKING RINGS AND TALKING CRADLES 💍👶

Dazai: I WISH I COULD UN-RECALL 😓❤️‍🩹

Dazai: HOW WE ALMOST HAD IT ALL…😔💔

Chuuya: I SAID I WAS SORRY!!!

Dazai: AND I SAID I DONT FORGIVE YOU!!!

Kouyou: “talking rings and talking cradles” as if they aren't married and have a four year old daughter together 💀

Gin: so what did soukoku do that soukokued

Dazai: Chuuya said that were getting divorced

Gin: HUH???

Kouyou: Excuse me???

Akutagawa: there's no way….
Hirotsu: parden?

Chuuya: NO I DIDN'T!!!

Dazai: YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE!!!!

Chuuya: THIS IS WHY I DRINK

Dazai: SKILL ISSUE!!!

Higuchi: yeah we're not getting an answer anytime soon

Gin: nope

Gin: unrelated topic: whats everyones favorite TTPD song

Higuchi: The bolter

Dazai: oh babes….

Higuch: i know… 💔

Dazai: waolom

Dazai: hit a little too close to home

Chuuya: wait- yeah i see it

Kouyou: shit ascended me when i first heard it

Chuuya: also the prophecy

Gin: yikes

Chuuya: yeah i know…

Gin: mines but daddy i love him

Higuchi: oh gee i wonder why

Gin: SHUT THE FUCK UP HIGUCHI

Higuchi: lol

Tachihara: huh?

Gin: nothing don't worry about it

The port (acid trip) mafia

Tachihara: so wait if Chuuya knows our boss has a back tattoo

Tachihara: Does that mean she likes it face down ass up?

Dazai has deleted The port (acid trip) mafia

Chapter Text

‼️⚠️THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER BUT PLEASE READ THIS⚠️‼️

I’m genuinely losing it right now because I have so many ideas for this AU that I want to turn it into a actual fanfic and not just a chatfic (I would still continue writing the chatfic as like a side story)

If you would like to see that please let me know

Also I’m a pretty shitty writer so if anyone would like to Co-write and edit this with me please let me know like I’m on my knees begging 🙏🏻 If your interested please let me know in the comments and I’ll give you my instagram since I don’t have discord

‼️⚠️CHAPTER FOUR OF THIS CHATFIC SHOULD BE OUT BY THIS WEEKEND OR MONDAY⚠️‼️

Chapter Text

In the armed drug addicts

Tachihara: you know when i said if our boss liked it face down ass up…

Tachihara: I MEANT IT AS A JOKE!!!

Tachihara: i didn't really want to know

Yosano: oh?

Gin: idiot you texted the wrong group chat

Tachihara: yeah i can see that

Kouyou: i see you've walked in on Chuuya and Dazai

Hirotsu: it's a right of passage at this point

Akutagawa: So this is a universal experience?

Yosano: damn the port mafia is wilding

Oda: hey so how about we switch the topic and not talk about her sex life

Oda: please for the love of god i see her as my daughter

Oda: That mental image isn't just locked—it’s encrypted, buried, and emotionally repressed.

Dazai: so much for an atheist

Oda: dazai please

Atsushi: wait back track-

Kunikida: DAUGHTER?!?!?!

Ranpo: did you guys just miss the conversation when he revealed he personally knew the port mafia boss during the guild conflict

Dazai: 🥴✌🏻

Kunikida: but- how- when- why

Yosano: congrats this group chat broke kunikida

Yosano: didn't take as long as i thought it would

Kouyou: see this what i mean hirotsu you need to assert your dominance

Chuuya: HELP WHAT

Dazai: ...

Gin: CODE RED THIS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY

Higuchi: WE LOST ONE OF THE ONLY SANE PEOPLE WE HAD LEFT

Kouyou: you guys are overreacting

Chuuya: then please for the love of god ane-san explain

Kouyou: i mean hirotsu needs to fight for his rights as dazai only gay parent

Dazai: HELLO???

Kouyou: hi

Dazai: …

Dazai: she's a lost cause

Dazai has changed the group chat name to drug addicts and acid trippers

Dazai: the name was bugging me out i had to change it

Yosano: acid trippers???

Hirotsu: working for the port mafia sometimes feels like your on an acid trip

Gin: its fun

Tachihara: its horrifying

Yosano: …

Yosano: i regret asking

Dazai: everyone does

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Akutagawa: does manifesting work? I need someone dead by monday

Kyouka: how much hate is in your heart?

Akutagawa: hopefully enough to manifest that shit

Gin: is it the weretiger?

Akutagawa: yes

Tachihara: no hesitation ☠️

Atsushi: man what the fuck

Atsushi: i'm just trying to live my life

Akutagawa: see that's the thing i need you to stop living

Gin: hey dazai-san you smell that?

Dazai: i do it smells almost…

Gin: fruity…

Akutagawa: I PAY YOUR BILLS

Gin: HALF WE SPLIT THEM

Akutagawa: correction i need two people dead by monday

Higuchi: 💀

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Dazai: You're telling me men used to go to war and nowadays they'll stand around with their hands on their hips and outsass you?

Gin: @akutagawa @chuuya

Chuyya: i hope you both burn in hell

Akutagawa: seconded

Dazai: okay queens 💞

Yosano: @ranpo

Ranpo: @kunikida

Ranpo: WAIT NO STOP–

Yosano: LAMOO

Kunikida: ill re state what chuuya-san just said i hope you both burn in hell

Yosano: 💀

Ranpo: 💀

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Dazai: Chuuya just ate four damn edibles without realizing 😭

Dazai: im going to wait till he gets really fucked up so i can whisper in his ear “the accident was four years ago, you need to let me go” for an hour straight

Oda: This is just straight up evil dazai

Dazai: 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kouyou: that'll end well. Do it

Dazai: 🫡🫡🫡

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Tanizaki: what kind of sounds annoy you

Dazai: Are we talking real sounds or imaginary ones?

Tanizakii: lets say imaginary

Dazai: spiders wearing flip flops

Tanizaki: …

Tanizaki: you know what… yeah you right

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Yosano: your honor, tbh, ngl, idgaf

Kouyou: that's so real

Dazai: she gets it

Yosano: whoa the two hottest women in the port mafia agree

Yosano: giggling, kicking my feet, screaming, 🤭

Ranpo: cough lesbian cough

Yosano: how about i bitch slap you instead

Dazai: just to know who's the first hottest?

Yosano: Kouyou

Dazai: you know what i cant even be mad

Kouyou: 🤭

Kouyou: well chucks

Kouyou: your pretty hot yourself

Yosano: GAY PANIC

Ranpo: LESBIAN

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Oda: whats the most illegal thing you can do with a hundred and forty-five yen?

Dazai: exchange it for a hundred pennies, put them all in a sock, and then beat someone to death with it

Oda: …

Oda: you know what i asked i brought this upon myself

Dazai: seems like a you problem

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Yosano: i be like who praying on my downfall as if i dont self sabotage

Kouyou: i'm afraid i thought “so real” reading this

Dazai: once again she gets it

Yosano: 🤭

Yosano: it happened again

Ranpo: and once again

Ranpo: lesbain

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Dazai: oh so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges its “intelligent” and “really cool”

Dazai: but when i do it im “petty” and “need to let it go”

Dazai: the double standard is insane

Yosano: this is so real omg

Dazai: …

Dazai: I get it now…

Ranpo: whoa another fag
Dazai: and proud

Dazai: if your gonna insult me try harder

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Dazai: my hobbies include being right being gay and being a hater

Oda: and being off your meds apparently

Dazai: oh yeah that too ig

Yosano: @ranpo

Ranpo: now what would happen if i pushed you off this roof

Ranpo: will forever remain a mystery

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Dazia: i identify as a women my pronouns are bad/bitch

Chuuyai: in conclusion get fucked

Hirotsu: why do i feel like there's a story behind this comment

Akutagawa: because there is ☠️

Yosano: oh tea

Higuchi: spill

Gin: ok so we were at the mall (we= me, ryuu, dazai-san, and Chuuya)

Gin: so chuuya and ryuu where inside a store looking for a new jacket for ryuu because it was old and full of holes

Higuchi: OMG WAR IS OVER 🥳🥳🥳

Tachihara: FINALLY!!!

Gin: yes it's a very happy day

Gin: Can I go back to my story now?

Higuchi: continue

Gin: ok so while ryuu and chuuya were inside me and dazai-san where outside the store waiting for them to come outside

Gin: when this random guy comes up to us and starts hitting on dazai-san

Gin: MIND YOU THIS WOMEN HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR FOUR YEARS

Gin: ALSO HE SAW THE RING AND BLATANTLY IGNORED IT

Gin: so dazai being dazai brushes him off and says she's married

Gin: and around this time ryuu and chuuya walk out the store

Akutagawa: chuuya when he saw the scene looked levied

Oda: i think i know where this is going

Kouyou: yeah…

Gin: see you would think that but that didn't happen

Akutagawa: chuuya decided to stay back because he knows dazai can handle herself

Gin: at this point the guy was starting to get mad and because the guy reeked of toxic dominant alpha male he decided to call dazai a whore and slut because of what she was wearing

Gin: which was a black see through mesh shirt black leather shorts and heeled thigh high boots

Yosano: i know damn well that outfit ate

Dazai: image sent [the image is a mirror selfie of dazai with healthy waist length curly/coily hair most of it swiped over to one side. Dazai tongue is sticking out to reveal a tongue piercing and smirk on her lips. She's wearing the previously mentioned outfit which is a black see through mesh shirt with the top two buttons unbuttoned with black prada leather shorts and thigh high heeled boots. Because of the shirt a belly piercing is seen. In the background of the picture through the mirror you can see chuuya very clearly checking dazai out.]

Yosano: mommy

Yosano: sorry

Yosano: mommy

Yosano: actually im not sorry

Yosano: MOMMY

Dazai: 🤭

Dazai: kicking my feet, screaming, blushing, giggling

Ranpo: whoa a fag

Yosano: whoa a fag for a emo writer

Ranpo: alright bitch

Gin: MY STORY 😭

Naomi: please continue i want to know what happened

Gin: thank you

Gin: so the guy being a toxic alpha male keeps trashing dazai saying she was probably a hoe because she had a new guy every night and was cheating on her husband

Dazai: fyi i have never cheated and never will cheat on chuuya

Kouyou: we know

Akutagawa: so chuuya overhears this and that was the lit match that set off the explosion

Gin: so before chuuya can punch the guy and get us kicked out of the mall dazai becomes the baddest bitch to exist

Gin: correction

Gin: she is a bad bitch she only became a badder bitch

Dazai: 😙✌️

Gin: dazai looks the guy up and down and then says "Oh, you think your insults are going to affect me? Please. My life’s too full of real accomplishments to care about a man still trying to figure out how to be relevant—honestly, I’d rather get life advice from a malfunctioning vending machine than waste a second on your ego-driven tantrums."

Yosano: CLOCKED I FEAR

Higuchi: COOKED ATE AND LEFT NO CRUMBS

Naomi: Hey siri how do i become a bad bitch?

Yosano: REAL

Yosano: WERE WALKING AMONGST A GODDESS BOW BITCHES

Chuuya: 🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️

Akutagawa: 🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️

gin:🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

Kouyou: 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

Higuchi: 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

Tachihara:🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️

Kaji:🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️

hirotsu:🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️

Kyouka:🙇‍♀️

Naomi: 🙇‍♀️

Yosano: 🙇‍♀️

Oda: 🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️🙇‍♂️

Ranpo: 🙇‍♂️

Yosano: the fact everyone from the port mafia and their mothers came online for that

Tachihara: we know who our boss is

Kaji: baddest bitch alive

Akutagawa: she breaths in our direction we should thank her and be on our knees

Chuuya: i'm on my knees anyway

Kouyou: we know sweetie we know

Gin: anyway stan nakahara-dazai osamu for clear skin

Drug addicts and acid trippers

Dazai: remember when burying a dead body make sure to cover it with endangered plants so its illegal to dig up

Dazai: follow me for more gardening tips