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Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

Maedhros was no stranger to receiving bad news - whether it be a hand on his shoulder and a heavy voice from his father, a phone held out to him from his Lieutenant Colonel telling him his mother was on the line, a scream down the radio-comms, or the matter-of-fact tone from a specialist surgeon - bad news followed him his whole life.

So when his phone rang at five o’clock on a September afternoon while he was in his home office and an softly accented woman’s voice asked to speak to a ‘Maedhros Noldoran please,’ followed by a ‘I regret to tell you-‘ the clench of his stomach and the catch of his breath in his throat was unfortunately familiar.

Work forgotten, Maedhros listened to what the woman on the line had to say, asking a few questions here and there but mostly just listening. The call lasted nine minutes and thirty six seconds according to the call log and it was enough to change his life.

 ~

Maglor found him, still sitting in his office, an indeterminate time later and the sky darkening outside.

‘Hey! Did you hear me calling? I asked if you wanted to have the lasagne from yesterday or if….’ Maglor pushed through the door, his voice petering out as he realised his brother was practically sitting in the dark.

‘Nelyo? Hey…Nelyo, can you hear me? It’s me, Maglor, you’re okay, you’re safe. You’re home now, can you look at me?’

Maglor seemed to be under the impression that Maedhros needed reminding of the fact that he was safe; his tone was calming. Maedhros blinked, coming back to himself. He saw his brother crouching on the rug in front of him, pressing a tentative hand to his knee. It was grounding and helped. He supposed he did need the reminder.

He straightened up in his seat, and pushed his hair back from his face, ‘I- sorry Kàno, I spaced out there.’

‘That’s okay, I just wanted to check if you were alright and wanted dinner. What happened, do you want to talk about it?’ Maglor stood up and leaned against Maedhros’ desk, reaching out to turn on the dimmable lamp so they weren’t in the gloom.

Maedhros looked to his desk where his phone rested, the conversation he’d had flooding back into his brain. He gasped as panic crashed through him.

‘Nelyo? What’s wrong?’ Maglor was worriedly glancing between his brother and the phone.

‘Oh shit, Kàno, I- fuck- I shouldn’t have spaced out. I just, I got this phone call…’ his words ran dry. How did he tell his brother?

‘Who was it? What did they say?’

‘I- shit – Kàno-‘

‘Breathe, just breathe yeah. You’re okay, you’re safe. I’m here. Tell me and we can deal with whatever it is together yeah?’

Maedhros nodded, taking a deep breath and filling his lungs. That helped. He looked at the phone and remembering the conversation he tried to form a narrative in his head to explain the situation.

Maglor just watched him, patiently not hurrying him, even though he was clearly worried; fine lines appearing around his eyes.  A rush of affection spread through Maedhros and for the thousandth time he was glad his brother was now pretty much a permeant fixture in his life. It was a selfish thought of course, Maedhros wished he didn’t rely on his brother as much as he did, a brother who had sacrificed so much to stay at home whilst Maedhros recovered, a companion who looked after him, who cared for him.

It should be the other way around; I should take care of him. He doesn’t need a broken older brother like me dragging him down, keeping him from flying. He deserves so much better, if I wasn’t so pathetic and invalided and could look after myself and not space out all the time.

A warm, gentle hand pressed down over his left hand, bringing him back into the moment.

‘You know I can tell when you start thinking mean things about yourself right?’ said Maglor, ‘You get that little frown between your eyebrows.’

Maedhros sighed.

‘Tell me what happened,’ prompted Maglor as he started pulling his hair back behind his head and plaiting it into a single braid; his fingers always needing to stay busy.

‘I got a phone call from a social worker-‘ started Maedhros, Maglor’s head tipped in confusion.

‘A social worker?’

Maedhros nodded, ‘Yeah, apparently she got my number from Idril, you remember her? Grandad’s side of the family, she was at Dad’s funeral?’

Maglor looked like he was thinking very hard, ‘I might have to pretend I know who you are talking about for the sake of this conversation,’ he said after a long moment.

Maedhros sighed but continued, ‘Right, well apparently Idril put her -Rehta, the social worker - in touch with me because she thought I’d be able to help. Idril can’t apparently, her husband Tuor’s got early onset dementia – or Alzheimer's – I can’t remember now, but something anyway- and Idril’s his full-time carer. Anyway, the main thing is, there’s been an accident-‘ He looked up at Maglor, ‘Do you remember Eärendil?’

‘Eärendil? He’s our distant cousin right? Second or third? Wait, didn’t he die?’

‘Yes, he died about a year and a half ago, might be closer to two years now. I couldn’t go to the funeral, I was- well it was when everything was happening with the house and Ammë, and yeah-‘

‘You weren’t well,’ said Maglor firmly, ‘That’s okay Nelyo, you couldn’t help missing the funeral, it’s not your fault. You weren’t well enough.’

‘Yeah, well I still felt bad about it,’ sighed Maedhros, ‘Eärendil and I were the same age, just a few months apart, we played together a few times when we were younger.’

‘Why do I have like, no memory of this?’

‘Because we stopped talking to that side of the family right when Turko was born, you were four or five or something. Anyway, I liked him, he was nice, he shared his penny sweets with me. He was in the Navy you know?’

‘No shit? Ah I’m sorry I didn’t know him better.’

‘Yeah,’ said Maedhros with a soft smile, thinking back on his childhood, playing on the beach with a sandy-haired boy with bright blue eyes, stomping on sandcastles and catching crabs, the things little boys did with such joy. He had been very sorry to hear that Eärendil had passed.

‘Shit, I really need to focus, sorry Kàno, my brain is all over the place.’

But his brother just smiled and reassured him it was all fine. However, feelings were rising in Maedhros again and the feeling over overwhelm was returning, he just needed to get it all out and tell Maglor.

Maedhros took a breath, before the words came out in a rush, tumbling over one another ‘So, it turns out Eärendil was married, to a woman called Elwing, and they had two kids, and um…the call just now, it was to tell me, there was an accident, and Elwing- well she’s gone too…She’s dead Kàno and-and-and the kids. They’re six, six years old, boys, and- and- they’re twins, just like Ambarussa, and they’ve not got anyone. And she wanted to know if I’d take them, you know, to like foster them. They’re in emergency care right now, they’re being looked after, but if they can’t find a long-term solution they’re going to go into the care system and-‘

Maglor held up a hand, stopping Maedhros before he went into a full-on panic attack, he reached out and took Maedhros’ forearms in his, holding them firmly.

‘Nelyo? Nelyo, breathe for me, breathe okay. It’s okay. Just breathe.

Maedhros nodded whilst trying to take a shuddering breath. The image of two small boys, just like his younger twin brothers was in the front of his mind. They seemed so small.

I remember when the twins were that small. That’s when I had to leave properly, I’d completed my initial Officer training. I got posted North after that. I remember holding them in my arms. So small. Eru it was all so different back then.

Maglor was still speaking. He tried to focus in on his brother’s words, ‘Keep breathing, just like that. I’m going to just ask you a few questions, you tell me yes or no okay? So the purpose of the phone call was to let you know that Elwing the mother of these little boys, these twins, has died and they are looking for someone to look after them long term?’

‘Yes,’ replied Maedhros.

‘Okay, and they’re safe right now because they’re in some sort of emergency placement?’

‘Yes.’

‘And their grandparents can’t look after them because Tuor’s got dementia and Idril’s got her hands full looking after him.’

‘Yes’

‘What about Elwing’s parents? Does she have any family?’

Maedhros shook his head, ‘Idril said she didn’t have any family. There’s no-one else.’

‘Okay,’ said Maglor thoughtfully, ‘Oh man, this is so sad…Hey, how come they didn’t ring Amya first?’ he asked seeming confused.

‘This is Haru Finwë’s side of the family so she wasn’t on the contact list of available relations.’

‘Ah makes sense. Okay, well what did you say?’

‘I um, I said I needed to talk to you about it,’ said Maedhros looking up at his brother worriedly.

‘Well I hope you are planning to ring back saying yes of course we’ll take them in,’ said Maglor.

Maedhros immediately started to feel himself panicking again, ‘Kàno, it’s not- I don’t know if I can, I’m disabled,’ he held up his right arm with the hand missing, now a pink stump, ‘I’m not mentally stable, I have panic attacks and PTSD, I spaced out just from a phone call-‘

Maglor interrupted him, ‘Brother, shush. Firstly, you being physically and mentally disabled does not mean you can’t provide love and care to people. Besides you are recovering amazingly on both fronts. Secondly, you have the experience, you practically brought all of us up when you were basically a kid yourself. You are the most caring of us all even though you beat yourself up constantly. And finally, who said anything about you doing this alone? I’m here, we’ll do it together.’

‘But you, I didn’t want to burden you- this isn’t a small thing, we’re talking about a lifetime commitment here-‘

‘So? You think I’m going to say no? They’re our cousins, and they’re six years old and they’ve got no-one else. You don’t want them to end up in the system do you?’

‘No,’ said Maedhros firmly.

‘Then it’s decided, we’ll take care of them together. They can come live here! We’ve got so much room! We turned out fine, I’m positive we can look after small boys. We’ll try and limit the influence of Moryo and Curvo until they’re older, I’d even say the same about Turko but I bet they’d love Huan, so we can maybe have just the dog…‘

Maedhros could only look on bewildered as his brother started rattling off plans for taking in their twin cousins. He’d been so blindsided by the news and then the dread that overcame him as he’d thought about his own inadequacies and how desperate he was to make sure the children were taken care of, but so, so fearful that he wouldn’t be able to do it.

But watching Maglor, his face lighting up in excitement about the prospect of being a ‘kinship carer’ the social worker had called it, Maedhros realised there was no reason on earth to refuse. He was worried yes, scared he’d do an awful job, but there was absolutely no way he’d leave two small children alone in the world when it was in his power to help them.

I just need to try my hardest to be the best caregiver. I can’t fail at this. I’ve failed at so many other things, but failure is not an option this time. I need to do things right.

‘There’s the matter of the funeral,’ he said abruptly, cutting off Maglor mid-flow into something about teaching them to skateboard.

‘Oh?’

‘I said I’d take care of it.’

‘Oh,’ Maglor was looking at him properly now, ‘You sure? That’s an awful amount of responsibility. Can’t Idril or someone else?’

‘I’m taking care of it. I have to. It’s the least I can do,’ Maedhros paused, ‘Kàno, I didn’t even know Elwing existed until…’he looked at the clock on the wall, silver hands marking the passage of time, ‘two hours ago. And now she’s gone. I can at least give her that. I never gave her anything in life.’

Maglor looked stricken, ‘I, yes, you’re right. Of course. But don’t put this all on yourself. It’s not all up to you. We’re in this together. What can I help with?’

Maedhros was once again so grateful for his brother, ‘Rehta said she’d send me the details of the morgue where Elwing…where she’s resting, and then I can start contacting local funeral directors there. We’ll need…we’ll need to round up the rest of the family.’

Maglor nodded, ‘Consider it done. Where did Elwing, where does, um where do they live?’

‘Sirion,’ replied Maedhros.

‘Shit that’s miles away,’ Maglor hesitated, ‘There’s no nice way to ask this I suppose but…how…how did she die?’

Maedhros sighed, ‘She, um, Rehta said they didn’t have all the details yet but she, um, she seems to have fallen from a seven-story window…’

Maglor just looked at him, before pulling Maedhros into a hug.

There was little to say after that.

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

‘You know when I said round up the rest of the family I didn’t mean a level red in the group chat,’ hissed Maedhros, covering the mic on his phone pre-emptively even though it was still ringing. He was mid-way through calling their Ammë Nerdanel to let her know of the situation with Elwing and her children, but she was taking a long time to pick up the phone.

‘You don’t think this constitutes an emergency family meeting?’ Maglor asked frankly. ‘Our cousin-in-law has died and we’re about to become guardians of two kiddos?’

‘I – just, it’s not like we need their permission. We’ve decided right? It’s just a case of telling them. We could have done that over messenger. The rounding up is for the funeral.’

It was two days after the life-changing phone call from the social worker and Maedhros and Maglor were expecting their siblings to descend en-masse to their house after Maglor put out a code-red message in the family group chat that morning telling them to drop everything and show-up at six. It was only reserved for the most serious of matters – a system devised by Curufin and for the most part, bought-into from everyone else, especially after Maedhros’ injury.

‘It takes a village to raise children, remember?’ said Maglor, ‘And in our case we need to heavily manage our village. Turko would probably find it funny to feed them to a wolf or something if we let him.’

Suddenly the phone in Maedhros’ hand came to life as their mother started speaking, ‘Hello? Maitimo? how are you my love?’

‘Hi Ammë, two seconds,’ called Maedhros as he heard the front door slam open and a dog start barking, announcing the first of their brothers’ arrival. ‘Look you sort them. I’m telling Amya, I’ll be through in fifteen minutes. Don’t let the dog upstairs and don’t let them start fighting.’

‘What do you take me for?’ said Maglor with a roll of his eyes and making his way out of the kitchen. ‘The fighting is after we tell them.’

‘What’s that about fighting?’ asked Nerdanel sharply down the phone, ‘Maitimo, what’s going on?’

Maedhros put his ear to the phone and tried to block out the sound of what he was very sure was two of his brothers wrestling in the hallway.

‘Hi Amya-’

~

The phone call was as brief as Maedhros could make it, but it still took nearly twenty-five minutes to explain things as best he could to Nerdanel. She was naturally very sorry to know Elwing had passed and left behind two small children. Maedhros, to make sure he had explored all options had asked her what she thought her capacity might be to look after the little boys but she had replied with a compassionate but firm no.

‘My love, I gave three decades of my life to raising children. Obviously if there was no other option then of course I wouldn’t abandon them. But there is a good option. You and Makalaurë will be fantastic parents, you’ve got everything already set up to provide for them and you have so much love to give my Maitimo. I always knew you’d be a wonderful Atar.’

‘I’m not- I’m not their parent. I’m not replacing Eärendil-‘  choked out Maedhros, ‘It’s called a Kinship Carer, that’s what we’ll be. The social worker sent me a lot of documents about it yesterday.

He’d rung back Rehta to let her know that he and Maglor could foster the twins and she’d been very encouraging. Over the course of the following days she’d set up a number of future meetings and sent through so much guidance and paperwork that Maedhros had gone dizzy just at the sight of it.

Most of it was due process. The children were now in the care of the State and so he and Maglor, despite being distant relations, were going to have to go through extensive background checks and vetting to make sure they were suitable. Rehta said she didn’t initially have too many concerns, but she would meet with them to discuss everything in more detail.

What had been nice was to learn more about the twins. Maedhros hadn’t even had their names from the first phone call. They were called Elros and Elrond, were six years old and identical twins. They were currently staying with a couple in Sirion who specialised in emergency foster care placements and were off school for the foreseeable future and receiving therapy to deal with the loss of their Ammë and more broadly their Atar too. They were doing as well as could be expected apparently, but did not yet know about their distant cousins Maedhros and Maglor –‘for fear of getting their hopes up’.

Maedhros also was trying to not get his hopes up. His thoughts and feelings were very turbulent at the moment.

On the one hand he’d realised he was quite set on Elros and Elrond coming to live with them. In no small part due to Maglor being so damn positive about the whole thing and selling an incredibly optimistic and rose-tinted spectacles version of what it would be like to raise two little boys. And Maedhros kept having bad thoughts about them ending up in the care system and not being looked after properly, at least if they came to live with them they’d be cared for by family -which has to be better right?

However, on the other hand, he would openly and frequently admit that he was worried about the background checks. Rehta had assured him that a military background and a physical disability would not rule him out on paper alone, it was much more to do with the suitability of the environment and the personality of the carers. Logically he knew this, his physical therapy had progressed well in the years since his wound, and he was pretty independent now and had the adaptations in the house, car and work that he needed.

However, it was the state of his mental health that was causing him stress. He had PTSD and it made him a shell of his former self. Once able to be calm under pressure, make critical and important decisions quickly and process large amounts of information precisely, now he sometimes panicked over the choices for lunch. Loud noises and flying objects could send him into a panic attack and he woke up to nightmares most nights. Not to mention he was mildly agoraphobic.

However, sometimes, when he remembered to be kind to himself, he reminded himself he was recovering. He was in therapy once a week and making progress according to his therapist. Plus, Maglor not-so-helpfully reassured him that the hyper-critical inner monologue he possessed had always been there and wasn’t a symptom of the trauma he’d experience in conflict but was instead one hundred per-cent Maitimo-Nelyafinwë-core.

So only a lifetime of self-hatred to overcome then.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the sounds of raucous laughter coming from the dining room. It sounding like most -if not all- his brothers were here and he knew if he left it too long things would get out of hand quickly.

‘So Amya, you’re alright to travel down with Moryo for the funeral?’

‘Yes darling that sounds fine. It’ll be nice to see Idril and Tuor after all this time, despite the sad circumstances. And the twins of course! Oh they’re so wonderful at that age. I remember when-‘

‘Okay Amya, I really have to go now. I’ll speak to you later, I need to go tell the others.’ Maedhros hated interrupting his Ammë, but he knew he’d be on the phone for another half an hour if he let her continue. And normally he loved it, when he was abroad on service, he didn’t get long phone calls with his family, so it always felt like a treat now. But he had brothers to wrangle.

‘Oh yes! Yes of course darling, well look, you take care. You are doing a fantastic thing you and your brother. You take care of yourselves and keep me updated.’

‘I will do Amya, love you.’

‘Love you darling.’

Maedhros ended the call and put his phone down on the kitchen counter. He took a moment to collect himself. His Ammë had been the easy part. Now, to tell the rest of the family.

What if they think it’s a stupid idea? There’s probably loads of people better qualified to look after little children than me. They all so much smarter than me.

They’ll probably think I’m not well enough. I know how they look at me, ever since the injury they worry about me. They shouldn’t need to worry about me. I should be their capable older brother.  But I still have weekly panic attacks, I disassociate, I struggle to leave the house sometimes.

I’m so weak.

I used to be the one they all looked up to. Now, they don’t trust me to look after myself. How will they trust me to look after two kids?

Ammë’s kind voice swam through his mind “I always knew you’d be a wonderful Atar”. It was a golden thought he could hold onto. Yes, she was his mother, she was going to think the best of him, of course she was biased. But if he could be half as good as she thought he might be, well that’s good enough right?

But his brain was doing that thing it did.

But how will I ever live up to her standards? She is such a good mother. I’ll never be as good as her-

‘Nelyo! Are you coming?’ Maglor’s call from the other room shook him from his unhelpful brain.

He took a breath, and trying to portray an air of confidence rolled his shoulders and strode into the dining room.

He was greeted by a cheer and a large dog jumping up at him.

‘Alright, alright, settle down. Down Huan -good boy. Right, are we all here?’ Maedhros looked around the dining room. He and Maglor never used it except when the rest of the family came over, preferring to eat in the kitchen. But it made for a good meeting table when they had a full house.

On one side of the table sat Maglor and Caranthir. Maglor was leaning back in his seat genially, gesturing to Maedhros as if to say see? All alive and in one piece. Caranthir was smart in a navy suit with his hair slicked back, but he looked overworked and tired with dark circles under his eyes.

On the opposite side of the table sat Celegorm and Curufin. Celegorm looked like he’d literally brought the outdoors inside with him. Leaves and small branches were stuck to his park ranger’s jacket, his hat was on the table in front of him, scuffed and well-worn, and his cheeks were bright as he laughed and called his Irish wolfhound Huan back to heel. Curufin next to him looked sullen, like he wanted to be anywhere else but crammed into a dining room with his siblings.

And then at the end of the table sat Amras, red hair scraped into a top-knot, grinning up at him as he held his phone in his hands, the device facing the room so a tiny Amrod on the screen could see everyone else.

Maedhros was confused, ‘Why is Telvo on video call?’

‘It’s weird right?’ said Caranthir, ‘I’m not used to seeing just one of them at a time, it’s like having Tom without Jerry.’

‘Fish with no chips.’

‘Violin with no bow.’

‘Left hand no right hand- oh wait sorry Nelyo, too soon- OW!’  Celegorm cried out as Maglor kicked him under the table.

‘Thunder without lightening’ said Curufin in a long-suffering tone.

‘Oh stow the attitude Curvo, we know you don’t want to be here but being a dick about it won’t make it go any faster.’

Maedhros made to shush them all by gesturing and sitting down at the head of the table. ‘None of this answers my question, why is Telvo not here and is dialling into a family meeting?’ he repeated ‘A family meeting you were all asked to attend in person.’

‘Yeah if I’d’ve known I could have ‘zoomed’ in I’d have saved myself a ninety minute drive-‘

‘Telvo can’t come,’ said Amras cheerfully, ‘He’s currently strapped to a billboard in Menegroth Square.’

Maedhros put his head on the table as all hell broke loose. Ilúvatar save me.

‘THE FUCK?’ Maglor leapt out of his chair and snatched the phone from Amras.

‘Yeah, how the fuck did he get up there?!’

‘Shit, fair play to him, he’s really high up.’

‘But why though?’

‘Hi! I’m sorry you’re all cutting out a bit!’ said a tinny voice of Amrod through the phone speaker.

Amras tugged the phone back out of Maglor’s hands and increased the volume as far as it would go, ‘I’m protesting the drilling for oil off the coast of Nevras,’ continued Amrod.

‘By strapping yourself to a billboard? You’re a long way from the coast Telvo-’

‘-Well I’m quite noticeable up here, that’s the point. They’re going to splash black paint on me later, but I asked them to wait so I could ring you-‘

‘Holy shit, we have a revolutionary on our hands. Do you reckon he’ll get arrested? Be nice not to be the only one with a criminal record in this family.’

‘Yes some of us don’t get caught,’ said Curufin snidely.

‘Enough, enough-‘ said Maedhros, voice carrying and silencing his brothers. He sat up straighter and levelled them all a look.

‘Thank you all for being here, and for making the time and effort to travel,’ he specifically addressed Curufin with this.  ‘It is appreciated, and whilst I admire your enthusiasm for activism Telvo, this is an important family meeting. Next time we’d like you to be here in person.’

‘Yessir, Major Maedhros,’ the pixelated Amrod saluted on camera to Maedhros. Maedhros supressed a shudder at being addressed by his army rank.

‘Can you hurry up and tell us what it’s about?’ said Caranthir with a yawn, running a hand over his face in what looked to be an effort to stay awake, ‘Some of us have to be at work early tomorrow morning,’

‘I will try to be quick, but you can crash here tonight Moryo if you want, if that’s easier?’ offered Maedhros. After all there were rooms for all of them in this house. It was why he and Maglor had bought it. Caranthir said he’d consider it and Maedhros nodded.

He turned solemnly to his brothers. ‘I have some sad news-‘

‘Who’s died?’ interrupted Curufin, ‘It’s clearly what this meeting is about. I know it’s not Amya, I just heard you talking to her.’

‘Of course it’s not Amya you bellend, you think he’d let us whinge if it was her? Eru you-‘

‘It’s no one particularly close, but yes there’s been a death in the family,’ confirmed Maedhros cutting across his brothers, trying to head off a spat; Curufin was really bringing an attitude this evening.

‘Our cousin-in-law Elwing-‘

‘Didn’t know we had a cousin-in-law Elwing-‘

Maedhros glared a Curufin, ‘Seriously Curvo, stop with the interruptions for two minutes and then you can ask questions.’

Maglor leaned forwards, laying his elbows on the table in a not-so-subtle gesture of support for Maedhros and shot a warning glance at Curufin.

‘We had a cousin Eärendil, on Haru Finwë’s side of the family. Eärendil was in the Navy and died in action a few years ago, and unfortunately his wife Elwing passed away a few days ago. We are some of her only remaining family and I am arranging the funeral. It will be in eight days’ time and I’d very much like you all to be there. There’s only cousins Idril and Tuor left on that side, so we need to show respect and support.’

There were nods all around, even a reluctant one from Curufin and another salute from Amrod on the phone screen.

‘There’s one other thing,’ said Maglor, ‘Eärendil and Elwing had kids, twins, they’re six. And they’re coming to live with Maitimo and me, we’re going to be fostering them.’

Four pairs of real eyes and one pair of virtual ones swivelled to stare between Maedhros and Maglor.

Maedhros joined them in staring at Maglor, narrowing his eyes. He knew his brother had used his mother-name on purpose. Only their Mother still called him that. Maedhros had shed the name when he joined the army, an attempt to leave what he felt was his weak personality behind. A small act of rebellion -as if joining the Officer Academy instead of going to university wasn’t enough of a mutiny against his father itself.

Maglor invoking it now was clearly trying to conjure old memories of Maedhros when he was younger and looked after his many siblings.

There was a pregnant pause then -‘You’re what?’  a unanimous shout cried out.

~

‘I think that went well,’ said Maglor, tidying up mugs of tea from where they’d been left on the table and sideboard in the living room. Curufin had been off like a shot after the meeting officially ended, Caranthir had taken up the offer of a bed for the night and had headed upstairs. But Celegorm -and Huan- and Amras had stayed for a while chatting with Maglor and Maedhros, Amrod having long hung up to continue civil disobedience in the busiest square in the city.

‘I suppose,’ said Maedhros, he closed the front door from where he just been waving off Amras and cautioning him to drive carefully back to the university campus.

‘They don’t think we’re making a huge mistake at any rate,’ said Maglor, carrying the mugs through to the kitchen, Maedhros following him. ‘They all agreed taking the twins in was the right thing to do.’

‘Curvo didn’t seem too impressed.’

‘When have you ever been bothered by anything Curvo says? He was in a foul mood tonight, deliberately pushing buttons. Somethings up with him, got to be, he’s a dick but not normally that much of a dick.’

‘He did seem more sour than usual,’ said Maedhros, leaning against the kitchen island whilst Maglor loaded the mugs into the dishwasher. ‘I’ll try and check in on him in a few days and find out what’s going on. It can’t be easy doing a PhD.’

‘See this is what I mean when I say you are so good at caring about us all. You just do these things, unprompted. In the meantime, ignore Curvo he’s just being a sourpuss. How did Amya take it?’

‘She was fine, yeah, really supportive. She politely declined taking care of Elros and Elrond herself, but said she’d happily come down to visit and be a grandmother.’

‘Oh my days, she’s totally going to be a haruni!’ cried Maglor, eyes wide as the realisation hit him. ‘Yeah no wonder she said no! Why be a parent when you can be a grandparent. Oh Eru, she’s gonna be insufferable!’

‘She was already giving me parenting advice,’ said Maedhros wryly.

‘Like you need it, you practically raised me and the others, maybe less so the twins, as you’d gone off to war at that point, but they still go to you for everything. Especially Pityo. Eru, I can’t fucking believe Telvo is now an environmental hooligan!’

‘Stop saying I went off to war it was a peacekeeping mission’ said Maedhros, snatching a tea-towel and wiping down the kitchen surfaces, ‘And yes, I will be having a stern conversation with Telvo tomorrow, once he’s back in his dorm. Stars almighty, I did not see that one coming.’

They chatted some more as they cleaned up the kitchen, turned off the lights and headed up to bed more quietly. Caranthir had retired upstairs well over an hour ago, looking like he might just fall asleep on the spot.

Maglor stopped outside the door to his room, ‘What time’s the meeting with the social worker tomorrow?’

’One o’clock, and her name’s Rehta. She’s driving over from Sirion so she might be a bit late depending on traffic.’

‘Okay great I’ll make sure to be back by then. Goodnight Nelyo,’

‘Night Kàno, thanks for your support today, I appreciate it. I don’t deserve you.’

‘Shush! You do. Sleep well.’

Maedhros thought it unlikely, but it was nice of Maglor to say all the same. He turned down the landing and headed to his room and to bed.

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

Maedhros awoke with a start from nightmares in the early hours of the morning. He lay panting and trembling, covered in a sheen of sweat. He tried to focus on his breathing, but it was very hard when he kept getting spasms in his right arm. Sometimes his body forgot he didn’t have a hand there anymore and he got feelings of a phantom limb he no longer possessed.

Focus on breathing. Look around the room.

He reached out with his left hand and turned the light on. Everything was better in the light.

There’s the clock. The curtains, the wardrobe, my slippers, my phone on the nightstand.

I’m not in Thangorodrim anymore. I’m safe at home.

I can hear the clock ticking. I can hear the birds outside. I can hear my own heartbeat.

I’m safe. I’m safe.

Slowly, over a series of minutes he managed to ground himself back in the moment.

Six months ago he wouldn’t have been able to do that. It was a vast improvement to not have Maglor give him a compression hug to calm him down when he woke up from nightmares and flashbacks. Maglor used to have to sleep on a mattress on the floor in his room. Maedhros had hated it. Hated how he’d so skewed his brother’s life to orbit his. Hated how reliant he was on him.

Sleep was not going to return.  The sun wouldn’t be up for a couple of hours and there was already an enthusiastic blackbird trilling in the garden. Resigned to this being the start of his day, he rolled over and sat up on the edge of his bed.

He pulled out the drawer of this nightstand and meticulously popped a number of tablets from their foil packets and swallowed them one by one with a glass of water. It was less than he used to take but it was still a lot.

Maedhros stretched and stood up, wrapping himself in his cosy red dressing down, slipped his feet into his slippers -both Yule gifts from Ambarussa - and headed downstairs into the kitchen.

Once he’d made himself a decaffeinated coffee – he was on too many meds to mess with caffeine – he sat at the kitchen island sipping it whilst he read some of the forms Rehta had sent him on his tablet.

Caranthir joined him in the kitchen around five-thirty.

‘Morning, couldn’t sleep?’ he asked, entering and heading straight to the fancy coffee machine Maglor insisted they have.

‘Not really,’ shrugged Maedhros, there was still a lingering shadow of disturbed dreams in the corner of his vision, and his arm ached, making him feel on edge.

‘You always were a morning person anyway,’ said Caranthir, rootling around in the cupboards for something to eat, ‘I remember you making breakfast for me before school. Way past the age I should have been doing it for myself.’

Maedhros cracked a smile at that. He remembered those mornings where he’d be up, getting everyone ready for school, checking bags for homework, P.E kits, and making sure they’d combed their hair and brushed their teeth, and their school uniforms were neat.

‘For what it’s worth, and not that you need my opinion or permission. I think you’ll be a great carer to those kids,’ said Caranthir around a mouthful of pain au chocolat. ‘More than any of the rest of us, save Kàno I suppose, but he’s like an excited puppy. You’re all about routine and stability and kids need that. You always made us feel cared for and safe, and I think for two little boys who’ve just lost their Ammë, that’s what they need. You’ll love them of course, that’s a given. But I bet you’re doubting yourself; you always do.’

‘I- I don’t- Moryo-‘  said Maedhros lost for words. He looked at Caranthir and a memory of his younger brother maybe seven or eight flashed across his mind, wild hair, a gappy smile from two missing front teeth, gazing up at Maedhros ladling scrambled egg onto his plate, telling him all about the latest playground craze of some sort of collectible toy.

‘You’ve got this Nelyo. I’m not gonna give you a hug cos I’m not that sappy. I just wanted to tell you that before I left.’

Maedhros felt his eyes sting and his nose grow warm as a rush of affection spread through him at his brothers’ words. ‘That might be the nicest thing I’ve ever heard you say Moryo... Apart from when you said you were happy I didn’t die when I was in hospital.’

Caranthir snorted, ‘Yeah, well I’ve been doing some personal growth and all that shit. Funny what nearly losing your older brother does to you. Sorry for being such a shit when Atar died.’

Maedhros shook his head, ‘I never held that against you, you were seventeen, trying to figure yourself out, doing your exams. It was a horrendous time.’

From that sweet memory of a young Moryo, to a flash of him at seventeen years old, a boy in a man’s body, hair still wild, mouth twisted in cruelty as he hurled slurs and insults at Maedhros barely hours after their Father’s funeral.

‘Still, how badly is my criminal record going to stand against you getting the foster agreement?’ said Caranthir, concern in his tone. ‘I don’t want my arse to be the reason you can’t look after the kids.’

‘I don’t know yet, but we’ve got a meeting with the social worker today. You weren’t charged for assault, just theft and it was a youth offence so I’m hoping it’s not such a black mark.’

Caranthir grimaced, ‘Well you let me know if there’s anything I can do. I can stay away if needed.’

‘No! Moryo, I don’t want you to stay away,’ insisted Maedhros, horrified at the thought of one of his brothers voluntarily avoiding the family.

But Caranthir was firm, ‘I’m not getting in the way of this. I’ll fuck off if you need me to. Don’t worry about me. I’m used to facing the consequences of my actions. Why do you think I’m working in fin-tech start-ups? None of the mainstream corporations will have me.’

‘Oh Moryo’ sighed Maedhros.

‘Don’t feel sorry for me. I was an absolute shit,’ he gulped his hot coffee, before saying, ‘Oh, I’ve met someone you know? She’s amazing. I don’t deserve her, no, like I really don’t deserve her. But between you and her I’m working on myself.’

‘I’m really happy for you,’ said Maedhros truthfully, ‘When it’s a good time, I’d like to meet this girl; it’s not often someone has this effect on you.’

‘Yeah well I’d be an absolute idiot if I let her go, so I’m doing my best.’

‘That’s all you can do,’ said Maedhros firmly. His heart felt very full right now. Where kid-Moryo had been sweet, and teen-Moryo had been a nightmare, he thought this current version of his brother might be his favourite yet.

Caranthir finished his coffee and pastry and was collecting his bag, as Maedhros went to get the door for him.

‘I’ll bring Amya to Elwing’s funeral,’ he confirmed on his way out of the door, ‘See you next week Nelyo.’

~

Maglor descended the stairs and blearily walked into the kitchen, a few hours later. He looked good in that effortless sort of way that Maedhros couldn’t ever seem able to attain. He was wearing a lightweight navy pullover and black jeans and had styled his long dark hair. ‘Moryo headed out?’ he said, yawning and pouring himself a coffee with far too much sugar in it.

‘Yep, left at six.’ Maedhros, now showered and dressed was sat at the round kitchen table, long legs tucked under him. He had spent a long time choosing an outfit, wanting to come across as “put-together” but also not super formal and off-putting for the social worker. Twelve years of wearing army uniform left him rather out of practice at dressing casually. Eventually he’d settled on a white t-shirt with a tan jacket and light-wash jeans. The right arm of the jacket was folder neatly above his stump.

His red hair, pouring down over his shoulders was air-drying in long straight lengths. He really needed to get it cut. He hadn’t figured out how to style it with only one hand and it was annoying, but then at the same time, he didn’t want to go back to short hair as it reminded him of his army service days. Maybe he’d ask Maglor to plait it for him today….

‘Eru that’s early. Mind you, you two always were the early birds,’ Maglor shuffled around the kitchen opening cupboards, ‘Hey! Who ate the last pain au chocolat?!’

Ignoring his brother, Maedhros set his tablet down. ‘Can we talk about some things before the social worker gets here?’

‘Of course! Let me just find something to eat, curse Moryo! I wanted that last pastry. Ah well, toast it is then.’

Once Maglor was settled with a plate of toast and honey at the kitchen table Maedhros began. ‘I’ve been reading everything here, all the guidance.’ He said gesturing to the tablet, ‘Rehta is going to take us through the foster care assessment process which is fine, I think I mostly understand it-‘

‘Glad you do, I’ve had a look at some of it, and it makes my head hurt.’

‘It’s not easy at all,’ acknowledged Maedhros. ‘But what I really wanted to talk about was about how we are actually going to look after Elros and Elrond. Like, practically what do we need to get for them-’

‘-Ah! Now this I have given a lot of thought,’ said Maglor, shoving another slice of toast into his mouth. ‘They can have one of the attic bedrooms. They can share for now I thought. Ambarussa always wanted to share. But if they get older they can have their own rooms up there. I may have also already ordered beds for them-‘

‘You…what?’

‘Well I just got so excited last night; I was up doing some late-night shopping! Don’t worry it’s all being delivered. And I will assemble it all myself – I don’t want you going near power tools.’

‘Kàno,’ Maedhros tried to remember to take a breath, tried to not freak out at Maglor going rogue, ‘You- I- we need to discuss these things first! We don’t even know if we will be approved for foster care!’

‘Of course we will be! We have a huge house and garden for them to play in. We’re set financially, I’ve got a job, you’ve got your studies, but I’m sure we can work out a flexible study thing for you. I’m told there’s great schools around here, you’re up in the mornings you can take them to school and I’ll pick them up. I can stay up late with them in the night if needed. You’re excellent at schedules and appointments and things. And I can cook! I’ve been researching how to hide veggies in meals for kids-‘

Caranthir’s earlier comment about Maglor being a puppy was echoing in Maedhros’ ears.

He took a steadying breath and tried to monitor his tone so it wasn’t accusatory, ‘Kàno, whilst I really appreciate how much research you’ve been doing - and it’s great it really is - I just think you are jumping ahead a little. We need to go through the process step by step and not leapfrog it.’

‘I just,’ and it hurt Maedhros’ heart a little to see Maglor deflate before him, ‘I just want them to be happy Nelyo. I want them to feel welcome and loved and….they’ve just lost their Ammë. And you’ve got so much on your plate. I’m trying to help. I want to be an equal partner in this.’

An equal partner. It was a necessary reminder for Maedhros that they were in this together, that he didn’t need to do everything on his own.

‘You absolutely are my equal partner in this,’ he said firmly, ‘And I’m sorry if I made you feel less so. I love that you’re so keen and of course you want them to feel welcome. Your heart is so big Kàno, they are going to adore you. All I’m saying is let’s slow it down a little, I’m not saying no to anything, but let’s go one step at a time.’

‘That’s fair,’ agreed Maglor, ‘But in turn I want you to try and be a little more optimistic. Instead of thinking what might go wrong, think of what might go right.’

‘That…that is also fair I suppose…’ said Maedhros.

Maglor was looking at him intensely, ‘There’s something else I can tell. What is it?’

‘I…’ Maedhros hesitated, ‘They’re not going to have a problem with me being gay are they?’

Maglor looked at him in disbelief, ‘No!’ he said quite loudly and forcefully, ‘No of course not! And if they do I’ll have an even bigger problem with them! Shit Nelyo, you’ve got to stop worrying about it. I know Atar wasn’t great about it at first and then the army was even worse. But you’re away from both now. You are free to be who you are and love who you want.’

‘I know, I know,’ said Maedhros. He’d heard it from Maglor before but some old habits of keeping everything locked away and certain thought patterns about his sexuality were hard to break.

Listen to me,’ said Maglor, reaching out to put a hand on Maedhros’ shoulder, ‘As much as I loved Atar, and I know he loved us, the pressure and expectation he put on you was totally unreasonable. You ran off to join the army and suppressed every kind and soft thing about you. You suppressed who you were in response to everything he laid on you growing up. It wasn’t fair. You are the best older brother anyone could ask for, just as you are. I love you.’

Maedhros felt a thick lump in his throat. Maglor reached out to hug him and he fell into the embrace, relishing the warmth and love. Maglor even kissed him on the forehead, something he hadn’t done in ages but used to do frequently when Maedhros was first recovering.

‘Love you too Kàno,’ he said.

He then let Maglor going into a long description of everything his brother had planned for the twins’ room, including new paint, furniture, toy storage and a gazillion glow-in-the-dark stars for the ceiling. And Maedhros tried very hard to not catastrophise what might go wrong with it all.

~

‘I really appreciate you fitting me in over lunch,’ said Maedhros. He pulled at his top under his jacket not liking how it looked on camera.

‘That’s quite alright,’ said Cendis, Maedhros’ therapist as on her end of the video-call she tilted her camera to a better angle, so she was more in the middle of the screen.

Maedhros usually had weekly therapy appointments on Monday mornings but given the events of the week he’d contacted Cendis and asked for an emergency appointment, and she had managed to squeeze a session in on the Friday lunchtime before Rehta arrived.

He was sat at his desk in his office in the house, having this therapy session over video-call when normally he’d travel to Cendis’ office and have it in person. Maglor was in his studio downstairs giving Maedhros some privacy so he couldn’t be overheard.

‘How are you?’ she asked warmly. Cendis always started her sessions off this way and Maedhros never knew how to answer her simple question. There were always a million and one thoughts in his head and so trying to give a straightforward honest answer was hard.

‘Hnnnggh,’ he tried, grimacing.

‘Okay, so there’s a lot going on I take it?’

Maedhros nodded.

‘Okay, why don’t you tell me what’s happened this week and why you felt you needed more support.’

Maedhros filled Cendis in as best he could on the current situation with the passing of Elwing and the proposed foster care arrangement for Elros and Elrond.

‘Right, yes. That is a lot going on,’ she said raising her eyebrows.

‘Am I making a mistake?’ Maedhros asked, ‘Do you think I’m able to look after them?’

This was what he had been desperate to talk to her about. This crushing feeling in his chest, this little voice inside him that for all of Maglor’s encouragement, and for all Maedhros’ feeling that the twins coming to stay with them was better than them going into care, there was an insidious voice saying this is a mistake.

What makes you think you can look after two small children? You can’t even look after yourself. You are a broken thing. How are you going to cope when there’s children running around, making loud noises? What if they need your help and you space out? What if you have a panic attack and scare them? They need safety and you are not safe to be around.

‘Maedhros? Can you tell me five things you can see? Can you focus?’ Cendis’ voice cut through his thoughts.

He looked up at the screen, suddenly aware he’d spaced out. He named five things in his office and she smiled.

‘Sorry,’ he said.

‘That’s quite alright, what were you thinking about?’

He told her about the little voice telling him he was definitely going to be a poor carer, and it was a bad idea fostering the twins.

She looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, ‘This reminds me of when you and your brother were buying your house a year ago, do you remember? You asked me then whether you were making a mistake and whether you would be able to manage. And do you remember what I said then?’

‘Errr no?’ he tried to think back twelve months and struggled to remember.

‘Well I’ll remind you. You asked me to make the decision for you. But I don’t make decisions for you; I simply help you to make the best decision for yourself. What I told you then was that we can’t plan life to the nth degree. Sometimes all we can do is make the best decision we can with the information at the time. What I can say is that you have clearly given this a lot of thought, I know you quite well by now and I know that you don’t tend to rush into things, you assess all the information at hand-‘

-‘But I get so overwhelmed, I used to be able to do that, but not anymore!’

‘You interrupted me so I will continue,’ she said in an even tone.

‘I’m sorry,’ Maedhros apologised, flushing red, ‘I’m quite stressed, but that’s no excuse.’

‘Thank you for apologising. As I was saying, you aren’t an impulsive person. But you also have a very strong sense of the ‘right’ thing to do, which can lead into problems like when you feel like you ‘should’ do something- and we’re still working on that. You’ve had a life event happen this week. Same as when your father died, same as when you were injured in conflict, same as when you bought your house. Each of these events puts you on a new path, and sometimes it’s about taking it a day at a time. You have to say to yourself that the future is in the future, you won’t know if anything is a mistake until then. But what is the decision you are going to make today?’

Maedhros sat and thought for a while. ‘I don’t think it’s a mistake to take them in at this moment in time. I know me and Maglor aren’t going to replace their parents, of course not. But we are still family and that’s got to count for something right?’

‘I think it counts for a lot of things. And don’t forget, as you’ve told me several times about how you looked after your brothers growing up, you’ve actually got a lot of experience in this area Maedhros, far more than a lot of people.’

‘I just worry about my disability and my mental health….’

‘I know, and it’s okay to be thinking about how those might affect things, and we can have a chat together about how you can navigate your conditions going forwards. You may need some more physical adaptations- although you should remind yourself of how independent you are now compared to when we first met.’

‘This is true,’ Maedhros acknowledged with a heavy exhale.

‘And reflecting on your mental health, how do you feel now compared to when we first met?’

‘I think I’m better than I was?’

‘You seem unsure.’

‘Okay, yes, well, I guess I know I am better than I was before.’

Cendis smiled, ‘I think we should stop for a second and acknowledge how far you’ve come. You are doing so much better. Think back to how you felt then, you couldn’t have even imagined being how you are now. I know because I asked you to visualise what ‘better’ might look like and you said to me, “being able to be in a room with my whole family and not have a panic attack”. And by the sounds of it you had a full family meeting last night, like it was no bother.’

‘I’d forgotten I’d said that,’ said Maedhros contemplatively. A memory flashed up of being in a small bedroom in the rehabilitation centre, curled up in the corner, eyes wet, breathing shallowly, thinking he was going to die because having even two brothers, Maglor and Celegorm in the room had been too much for him back then.

‘Mmmm’ hummed Cendis knowingly, ‘Yes sometimes my job is to remind you of things you’ve forgotten. So take a moment and be proud of yourself. Can you do that?’

‘I’ll try,’ he mumbled.

‘That’s all I ask. Now, given we’ve got some time left, do you want to go over this meeting you have with the social worker? What are you wanting to get out of it?’

Maedhros finished out the session with Cendis discussing Rehta’s upcoming visit. It was helpful to lay out his worries in the open, but she also got him to focus on what some of the positive outcomes could be as well. And even though he was still very nervous about the visit, when he exited the call, he felt a lot lighter.

~

Rehta was twenty minutes late but she’d texted ahead so Maedhros wasn’t pacing up and down the hallway looking out of the window every thirty seconds and stressing. When she arrived, he took her wet coat from her -it was raining outside - and hung it on the rack as Maglor showed her through into the kitchen.

‘Oooh what a gorgeous kitchen, and you’ve got one of those fancy fridges you can see into and all!’ she exclaimed, ‘Does it talk to you too?’

‘Sometimes,’ laughed Maglor, ‘When it thinks we don’t have enough vegetables in there.’

She laughed, a lilting trill of a laugh, filling the space. Maglor made her a coffee and she gushed over the coffee machine too, complaining about the coffee she got at her office in Sirion. Maedhros let Maglor cover most of the small talk and be his charming easy self; his brother had a very good knack of putting people at ease.

Maedhros pulled out a chair for her to sit at the circular kitchen table, ‘Thanks for coming all this way,’

‘It’s no bother, work pays for the mileage so that’s nice. And I can claim my lunch back on expenses too. So a nice trip out East is all very good!’ She said merrily, settling herself at the table, and pulling out her laptop from her bag. Maglor came over with her coffee and he and Maedhros sat opposite her.

‘Ah that’s the good stuff, I’ll have another one of these before I leave,’ she said with a grin gesturing to the coffee. ‘Now, where are we? Ah yes, firstly, it’s so nice to meet you. I know we spoke on the phone but it’s so nice to meet you both in person.’

‘Likewise,’ said Maglor happily.

‘So let me outline my visit today. As you know there’s been a death of a primary carer and two children - your distant cousins - have been taken into emergency care. You have expressed an interest in becoming their Kinship Carers and I am processing the fast-track application for that. Therefore, I’m covering off several visits in one today: the interview for the Foster Assessment Panel, a home inspection, and guidance on paperwork. This will all go into a final report which you can review before I submit it. And then most importantly, we’ll chat about the little ones as well, how does that sound? I’m sure you have questions!’

Maedhros had hundreds of questions, but Maglor beat him to it.

‘That all sounds great. I think we’d most like to know more about our cousins, about Elros and Elrond. Anything you can tell us about them would be great.’

‘Absolutely! Why don’t we start with that? Then we can move onto the paperwork?’

They both nodded.

‘So, I’ve met them twice now. The first was when I collected them from their home and took them to their emergency placement. They’re with a couple called Faelith and Athenir, really wonderful people, and they’ll be staying with them until we get a long-term arrangement set up, either with yourselves or within the care system.’

Maedhros noticed Maglor’s hand under the table clench at that. He similarly felt tense at the thought of two small boys going into the care of the State. He was sure on some level it was adequate, but surely it was better for them to come to him and Maglor?

‘They’re very sweet little boys, I’ll ask Fae to share a photo with you when I can. They’re identical twins and quite co-dependent, which is not a massive concern at this point, given what they’ve gone through, but I would obviously want them to develop a more positive attachment style growing up.’

‘We have twin brothers, we’re used to them being a pair,’ said Maglor.

‘Yes, well that’s also another good reason why they could come to you,’ said Rehta, ‘You’ve got twins in the family. I mean, I couldn’t tell them apart at all! Elros -I think- got quite annoyed at me for that.’

Maglor and Maedhros exchanged knowing looks, ‘I’m not surprised,’ said Maedhros, ‘Amras used to hate being confused for Amrod. We’re used to it.’

Rehta nodded, ‘I see, well that’s good you’re familiar. Well, what else can I say…they’re obviously having a really tough time right now having lost their mother. I don’t know if you’ve seen the police report? No? Well, it’s being treated as a suspected suicide. I can’t speak much more on it at the moment as the medical records are confidential, but it’s extremely sad.’

Maedhros’ mind was reeling suspected suicide…. He’d had his thoughts of course, when he’d heard Elwing had fallen from a high window. It was horrific to think that maybe it was deliberate. Oh how she must have been hurting he thought.

‘You said they’re seeing a therapist?’ asked Maglor.

‘Yes, we’ve got an excellent family practitioner, who’s visiting every day at the moment, giving them the support they need.’

‘Will we be able to carry on that support here? We want to make sure we’re looking after them as best we can,’ said Maglor.

‘Yes, if you were granted Kinship Caring responsibilities we can help get the support carried over,’ confirmed Rehta. Maedhros could tell his brother was relieved, same as him. They had experienced their fair share of grief and upheaval with the death of their Father, they knew firsthand the chaos and pain of something like that left to fester and not heal.

The rest of Rehta’s visit consisted of a full house tour – forgoing the soggy garden - and reems and reems of paperwork. She reviewed and took copies of their financial documents, employment records and medical details.

She was impressed by their living arrangements and didn't seem overly concerned with Maedhros' physical disability or PTSD, as he managed both through medication and therapy. Caranthir's juvenile criminal record was mentioned for the sake of transparency but again wasn't a major issue.

‘I might find myself saying this a few times,’ she said, ‘But there’s no such thing as perfect people. We’ve all got issues and problems, that’s life. We’re not looking for spotless carers, we’re looking for people who care. Who can provide a safe and stable environment for children and young people to grow. Yes, it’s important we do background checks, of course it is, but having a disability or suffering from panic attacks doesn’t rule you out of being someone who can care for kids.’

‘Hear that Nelyo?’ said Maglor bumping Maedhros’ shoulder, ‘You can stop worrying so much!’

She asked about their childhood and personal relationships, Maglor gushed about Maedhros being the one to look after their many siblings, but Maedhros made sure to chip in and say that Maglor had also shared some of the responsibility. Whilst neither had direct parenting experience, their involvement in caring for family was valuable. Rehta was also pleased they’d spent time thinking about what sorts of physical and emotional needs the children would need as well as how they planned to provide for them.

‘And do either of you have partners?’ she asked looking up from her laptop.

They shook their heads, ‘He’s worried you’re going to have a problem with him being gay,’ said Maglor pre-emptively. Maedhros flushed and gave Maglor an exasperated look.

‘No there’s no problem at all,’ she said, ‘For all carers it’s similar guidance, if or when there are future partners, it’s to introduce them appropriately, making sure they are people who are safe to be around children and will respect them. But there’s certainly no limit on gender or sexuality.’

For all Maedhros knew rationally this was the case, it certainly eased his nerves having Rehta say it.

It was nearly six in the evening by the time Rehta was packing up her things to leave. Maglor had made her another coffee in her to-go-cup and she was putting on her coat, the rain lashing down outside now.

‘I’ll be in touch tomorrow -yes I’m working the weekend, but don’t worry I can claim it back! Once I’ve got all the forms complete, I’ll send them for you to review. Then we can get them submitted to the board. And I’ll set up a call with Faeleth and Athenir, they can tell you lot more about the twins than I can. And then, hopefully if all goes well, you can meet them next week. I’m rushing to get this fast tracked, as I’m aware Elwing’s funeral is a week today.’

Maedhros was grateful and he told her so.

Then she was off with a cheery wave and running out into the rain to her car parked on their driveway.

‘Tea?’ asked Maglor, shutting the front door.

‘Please,’ said Maedhros, collapsing to lean against the wall. ‘That was a lot.’

‘You did amazing,’ said Maglor pulling him upright with a hug and tugging him into the living room, ‘I know how nervous you were, and you honestly did so well. Did therapy earlier help?’

‘It did,’ said Maedhros lying back on the sofa propped up on cushions, his feet dangling off the edge because of his height.

‘Good I’m glad. And look how well this afternoon went! I’m feeling positive about it all, are you?’

Maedhros put his arm over his face, ‘Hrnnnggghh.’

Maglor just laughed. ‘You rest up,’ he called out, heading into the kitchen. ‘I’ll get us dinner.’

Maglor was hardly even out of the room and Maedhros had fallen asleep, exhausted from the day.

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

The weekend was spent organising the details for Elwing’s funeral. Maedhros didn’t know if it was easier or harder organising a funeral for someone he didn’t know. Whilst he wasn’t mourning the loss of a dear loved one, the guilt he felt over Elwing’s death was gnawing at him.

Rationally, he knew her death was not his fault. But he felt shame at not even knowing about her or the twins. He’d been invited to Eärendil’s funeral for Eru’s sake! He’d have thought it would have been mentioned that his cousin was leaving behind a wife and two small children.

Maybe they did tell me, he thought bitterly, but I was just too invalided to notice. It had been a very chaotic time: he’d only been getting back on his feet from the injury and then between Ambarussa going to university, his mother deciding to sell the family home and he and Maglor buying a new house together, his mental health had taken a nose-dive. When the news of Eärendil’s death had come to him via an email from Idril, he’d not felt able to even properly mourn his cousin, his mental and emotional bandwidth so reduced. He’d disassociated from it all and thus had missed the funeral.

I’m trying to do it right this time. I was a poor relation to them both in life, I will try to do my best for Elwing in this, her death. And I will do all I can for their children. Failure isn’t an option, it’s all got to be done right.

Maedhros had made good progress with the arrangements, checking several things off his list with the funeral directors and crematorium. He was just about to make another call when he found the phone snatched out of his hand by Maglor.

‘Hey!’

‘Let us help for fuck’s sake! You don’t need to do it all by yourself!’ his brother said crossly.

‘It’s fine, I know what to do, I’ve done it before,’ said Maedhros trying to use his height to his advantage to get the phone back, but he was hampered by only having one hand.

Maglor held the phone behind his back and pointed at Maedhros, ‘This is- this is exactly why you need to share the burden out Nelyo. Just because you did everything for Atar’s funeral, does not mean you have to do it all for Elwing’s too.’

‘But-‘

‘No, I won’t allow it.’

‘You won’t allow it?’ said Maedhros incredulously.

‘No. You held this family together when Atar passed, and we all selfishly let you carry that burden. Ammë was in bits so were Ambarussa, Moryo was going off the rails, Turko was nowhere to be found and Curvo wouldn’t talk to any of us. I barely held myself together, but you just swooped in and took care of everything, of everyone. I don’t know how you did it.’

‘Yeah well if I’m being honest neither do I,’ said Maedhros, running his hand through his hair, pulling on a few tangles. ‘It seems like a lifetime ago now. I’m not the same person, I’m not as capable as I was then.’

‘It’s not about capability. Eru, Nelyo. When will you see you as I do? You are just as capable. In fact I think you are more capable now. The army was good for some things brother, but it did nothing to improve your self-confidence…. Anyway I’m going off track. What I’m saying is, share the workload, let me and the others help.’

‘I can’t put that on them. They’re not the ones whose lives have been changed by this. I don’t want to burden them.’

‘It’s not a burden at all. We are all her family. It’s the right thing to do to help. To send her off the right way. Let me do the order of service at least, please. I can sort the music.’

Maedhros was reluctant but he knew Maglor would continue to pester him, his brother was nothing if not persistent. He wouldn’t have mastered several musical instruments and been a member of the Royal Orchestra if he wasn’t. So he relented.

They spent the rest of the morning making good progress on Maedhros’ list, but soon realised that they needed more information. Maedhros texted Idril and asked if they could call to get more details about Elwing.

Whilst they were waiting for a response and Maedhros was making himself a cup of herbal tea, both their phones buzzed from the family group chat. Maglor got to his phone first and read the message out-loud.

‘Hey!’ he exclaimed, ‘Why didn’t you say you’d asked Moryo to do the flowers?’

‘Hmmm?’  Maedhros was concentrating on pouring the heavy kettle with his left-hand, whilst his co-ordination was vastly improved on that side, he’d learnt the hard way that he needed to stay focused.

‘Moryo. He said he’s sorted the flowers for Elwing’s funeral. You should have said you asked him, good thing he mentioned, they were next on my list.’

‘But I didn’t ask him,’ said Maedhros confused, ‘Or I don’t think I did.’ He thought back to yesterday morning and the surprisingly deep conversation he’d had with his middle brother.

‘You didn’t ask him?’

‘No.’

‘Fuck, what’s going on? Is something wrong with him? Is he sick?’

‘I think-‘ said Maedhros thoughtfully, stirring his tea, ‘I think our brother is actually maturing.’ Caranthir had certainly seemed more cognisant of himself yesterday, he’d clearly been doing some self-reflection and his apology for his behaviour in the past had been sincere.

‘Wow,’ said Maglor, clearly shocked, ‘Well, that’s….that’s incredible.’  Their phones buzzed again, then again, then again. ‘Oh but of course the others are chipping in now. He knew exactly what he was doing putting it in the group chat. They’re all accusing him of sucking up to you.’

Maedhros rolled his eyes, he leant over and picked up his phone from the counter and quickly typed out a message of thanks to Caranthir.

‘That doesn’t help Nelyo! Now they’re all accusing you of favouritism!’ protested Maglor.

‘I don’t have favourites,’ said Maedhros.

‘You say that, but I’m your favourite, I know this.’

‘I don’t have favourites,’ repeated Maedhros hiding his grin as he sipped his tea.

~

Idril didn’t respond until that evening, but she was more than happy to have a call with them.

‘Hello, my dears,’ she said, face appearing on Maedhros’ tablet which was propped up against a jug of water on the kitchen table. She was a handsome woman in her late sixties, her grey hair tied up in an elegant knot. She wore bold black glasses and a tailored jacket. Maedhros remembered her from his Father’s wake; she had a sophisticated style.

They greeted her and exchanged pleasantries.

‘Oh it’s a sad, sad business about Elwing,’ started Idril, already wiping a tear from under her glasses, ‘I feel so helpless you know. This year, Tuor’s really gone downhill, it’s getting harder and harder and I just wasn’t there for her-‘ she stopped to blow her nose, ‘She didn’t once mention she was struggling. I didn’t know. You must think me so awful.’

‘We don’t think that cousin Idril,’ said Maedhros quickly, ‘We don’t think that at all. I mean we didn’t even know about Elwing or the twins at all.’

‘Well I know, after all that bad blood between my father and your grandfather. Why do families have to fall out? It only causes more hurt!’

‘How are you Idril?’ Maglor asked kindly.

‘Oh I’m alright, hanging in there, Tuor’s…well it’s just a steady decline isn’t it? But he’s adamant he doesn’t want to go into a home. So I’m doing the best I can. He still recognises me and a few others and he adores the little ones. But I just feel awful I can’t look after them. But I remembered you dear Nelyafinwë. You remind me of my son you know.’

‘Eärendil was very kind to me,’ said Maedhros, nodding, ‘I remember playing with him.’

‘Oh you two were a pair! You were still a toddler Kanafinwë so you might not remember, but yes, you two played for hours in the rock pools on the beach. Oh it was a wonderful time!’ She smiled remembering happier memories.

‘How did cousin Eärendil meet Elwing?’ asked Maedhros, curious to know more.

‘Oh well! You know I was quite against it at first, and shame on me for that I tell you. But she was so young. She was nineteen you know when they met, and him twenty-six! I wasn’t happy about it at all, but then we met her and she won us over. She was so determined! Oh there was nothing stopping her! They were in love and that was that! They met when she was waitressing tables and Eärendil was on leave from the Navy. They were married within six weeks! And then the babies were on the way soon after.’

‘That’s, wow that’s quick,’ said Maglor blinking trying to take it all in.

‘I’ve got photos you know. I can send them over, I want the boys to have them. I’ve got all the wedding ones. It wasn’t a big wedding, just a courthouse one, but it was a fine May day! I’ve also got lots of baby photos of the twins, oh they were just gorgeous! Little chubby cheeks!’

‘We’d love to have copies of the photos if you could share,’ said Maedhros, ‘We can put some in the order of service and make sure Elros and Elrond get to see them.’

‘Oh absolutely, I’ll try and get them sent over to you as soon as possible. Now I don’t have too many of Elwing and I don’t know if there’s even any of her when she was younger, like in her things. I’ve not had chance to go around to the flat…it’ll all need clearing out of course.’

‘We can manage that,’ Maedhros assured her, ‘We’re planning on coming over this next week before the funeral to pick up important documents and get a sense of what needs to be done in the flat.’

‘Oh good, good,’ nodded Idril, ‘Oh I can’t thank you enough! I’ll be honest, they didn’t have much. Most of Eärendil’s death payment was put into a trust for the twins and then his pension wasn’t a lot and she didn’t make much as a receptionist at the bird sanctuary. I did try to help out where I could. But she was ever so independent. Would hardly accept my help at all.’

‘You said she had no family? Is there really no-one we can contact?’ asked Maglor.

‘She never mentioned anyone, not once! And I did ask before the wedding, but I think she was desperate to leave it all behind. That’s why I’m so, so glad you are taking the twins in, because oh Eru, if they ended up in care as well, doesn’t bear thinking about.’

Maedhros felt his blood run cold.

‘What do you mean in care as well?’ he asked sharply.

‘You mean you didn’t know? I thought the social worker would have said… Elwing was brought up in the care system, she was out on her own at eighteen. I think it explains why she was so independent and didn’t want to rely on anyone for help…..’

Idril continued talking but Maedhros’s mind could only focus on one thing.

Elwing was in care?

Fear was bubbling up inside him.

She was in care and now she’s dead at twenty-six from probable suicide. She’s Turko’s age. And now her kids might possibly end up in the exact same system that spat her out with no support. What if Elros and Elrond go into care? What if they get split up? What if they go into a children’s home? What if there’s horrible people there? They’re only six years old!

He felt a hand on his leg, Maglor pressing down under the table and trying to ground him. He was dimly aware of his brother wrapping up the conversation and ending the call with Idril, but it sounded like the voices were far away, in another room.

‘Nelyo, Nelyo can you hear me? Can you focus? You’re okay, you’re home with me, you’re safe. Take some deep breaths for me.’

Maedhros blinked and tried to resurface from his thoughts, he realised he was breathing very shallowly. He looked at Maglor and tried to copy his breathing, inhaling and exhaling with his bother.

‘There we go,’ said Maglor squeezing his hand reassuringly, ‘You’re safe. What happened? What was on your mind?’

‘I- I thought when Idril said her parents weren’t around, I thought they were estranged…I didn’t know… I didn’t know she’d been in the care system herself.’

‘I know, it’s fucking awful. And that settles it. Her kids are not ending up there,’ said Maglor fiercely. ‘I don’t care what we have to do Nelyo, we’re not repeating history.’

‘We can’t fail them Kàno, we can’t.’ Maedhros found himself pleading.

‘We won’t,’ promised Maglor, and Maedhros prayed to Eru above that Elros and Elrond would come to stay with them.

~

His prayers were partly answered when on Monday afternoon an email came through from Rehta to let them know the first stage of the Kinship Carer assessment had been completed and approved. There were still a few more stages and the process would last another eight weeks until the twins would be able to come and live with them but it was a huge milestone.

Maedhros let out a huge sigh of relief when he saw the email, just before his phone started buzzing incessantly from Maglor texting him whilst out shopping.

Kàno: Did you see the email?

Kàno: Of course you did

Kàno: I told you there was nothing to worry about! SEE?!

Kàno: Now, what do you think about this for the garden?

Followed by a photo of an 12 ft trampoline.

I think there’s no point getting it in the Autumn/Winter, it’ll only rust if left outside, Maedhros texted back.

Kàno: Good point.

Kàno: What about bikes?

This message was also accompanied by several photos of children’s bikes in a variety of bright colours.

Meadhros sighed, he loved how generous and excited Maglor was but honestly. Let’s check they can ride bikes first, they may already have their own.

Kàno: Ah shit, you think of everything.

Maedhros: Where are you?

Kàno: In the toy superstore.

Maedhros rolled his eyes. Get out of there, everything is temptation

Kàno: Oh 100%. I think I want to heal my inner child and get one of those kiddie pianos.

Maedhros: We have a Grand in the living room AND an upright in the kitchen

Kàno: I knowwwwww. But this one lights up, look!

Attached was a 5 second video of Maglor pressing buttons on a small children’s electric piano. Jarring, upbeat tinny music was blaring out of it, with lots of flashing lights.

Maedhros decided to not dignify that with an answer. He set his phone down on his desk and rubbed his eyes as he tried to refocus on his monitor.

He re-read the email from Rehta several times over again, the words sinking in. They were what could be classed as paper pregnant, into the latter stages of the foster care process. They could meet Elrond and Elros, they could start to actually plan for their arrival. Maglor’s enthusiastic shopping and online ordering could now be about ninety percent justified. There were already boxes in the hallway, arriving in batches over the weekend.

Maedhros thought about his little cousins, actually imagining them in the house now. He was under no illusion that it was going to be one of the most challenging things he’d ever done. Taking two newly orphaned children into his home. They were going to need a whole routine, feeding, clothing, bathing, school. They were going to need a lot of emotional support, probably involving sitting up with them at night, providing comfort and hugs. They’d need things like swimming lessons, pocket money, playdates. But hopefully, one day they’d be running around the hallways, laughing and playing and happy.

He smiled to himself, it’d be good to have laughter in the house. Maglor was good at cheering him up and providing merriment, but Maedhros knew he was prone to brooding, it had often been a facet of his personality growing up but had only intensified as he’d got older.

He thought back on Maitimo, that youth who’d laughed carelessly when playing with his brothers….

Maitimo is dead. He was put out of his suffering when I joined the army.

Maedhros squeezed his eyes shut as a wave of grief overcame him. Sadness for what was lost and wouldn’t be recovered.

Being sad won’t bring him back. It won’t bring Atar, or Eärendil or Elwing back either.

On this note, he was reminded that there were still things needed to do before the funeral. His mind snapped back into focus, and he sent off a few more emails to the funeral director, the Sirion city council about Elwing’s flat, and the guests for the funeral, Idril had sent him a list of people who knew Elwing. It was a small list.

He also drafted an email to his degree supervisor. He was currently undertaking a qualification in business management, and whilst it was only two days a week and most of it remote working, he was requesting to postpone the semester and restart after March in the following year. Most of the guidance around becoming a foster carer recommended taking six months to a year off work to allow for settling into new family arrangements.

Maedhros was feeling conflicted about taking the time off. Rationally, he knew it was sensible, it would allow him to focus on the twins and getting them settled into their new life in Amon Ereb. It would also allow him time to adjust.

There was something about postponing the course that he was finding tricky. It wasn’t to do with how difficult it had been to get onto the course - his time in the army as a senior officer for a decade meant they were super keen to have him on the course- but because he had what Maglor termed an academic inferiority complex. Cendis had phrased it more tactfully as an ‘academic self-efficacy deficit’ but it basically meant Maedhros didn’t think he measured up academically to others, especially his brothers, all of whom had gone to or were currently attending university.

So, more time out of his studies just made him feel like he was even further behind than where he should be.

If I had got it more together when I was discharged I could have got on the course earlier and then be finished by now. Maybe even have a job by now. This is just another delay on top of all the others. At least I don’t need a degree to teach the twins their times tables….oh but Moryo would be so much better at that than me, and Kàno does his letters so beautifully, I can’t even write my name coherently anymore-

He was pulled from his negative thought spiral by a ping! Another email had popped up in his inbox. Maedhros clicked on it automatically, his eyes widening when he saw who it was from: Faeleth, Elros and Elrond’s emergency foster carer. A thrill of excitement ran through him and he read quickly:

Hi Maedhros and Maglor,

We’ve just had the good news through from Rehta about your Kinship Carer application and we’ve had the green light to contact you.

Firstly, we are so pleased Elros and Elrond have family that are willing to foster them, we truly believe that would lead to the best outcome for them. We are so grateful that we can provide the care they need at this really difficult time and are keen to work with you both to transition from our care to yours.

They are very special little boys, very kind and caring, also funny and cheeky too! Obviously they are struggling with lots of big and sad emotions right now and we are supporting them as best we can but there are glimmers of happiness between the tears and tantrums.

Rehta suggested a video call for us to meet you both and for you to ask any questions, we are free this evening and tomorrow evening from 7pm (after bedtime).

We are planning on bringing the boys to their mother’s funeral on Friday, we think it would be beneficial for you both to meet them beforehand, to lessen the overwhelming nature of what is naturally going to be a very difficult day for us all. We can discuss over the call,

Best wishes,

Faelith and Athenir

Maedhros hardly hesitated on a reply, confirming that he and his brother would be more than keen for a chat that evening; he knew Maglor was free as well. He clicked send and then set about trying to keep himself busy for the rest of the afternoon and early evening so as to not fret about the call.

~

‘You good?’ asked Maglor, checking in and rubbing Maedhros’ arm soothingly. They were sat on the sofa in the living room, it was nearly seven thirty and they were waiting for Faelith to call them on Maedhros’ tablet.

‘Yes I’m good,’ said Maedhros taking another sip of his peppermint tea. ‘You?’

‘Oh I’m good, don’t worry about me,’ said Maglor amiably, but Maedhros did worry. Maglor had had to shoulder so much in recent years and the past couple of days. For as much as he was excited about the twins coming to live with them, Maedhros knew his brother lacked confidence in decision-making; he naturally defaulted to Maedhros’ judgement. He’d had to step out of his comfort zone with regards to that ever since their Father had passed and especially since Maedhros was wounded, but it wasn’t a natural fit for a brother who was at his happiest when lost in his music.

‘You’re my younger brother I will always worry about you,’ he said, looking straight at Maglor.

Maglor’s eyes crinkled, ‘Nelyo,’ he said softly, but was cut off from saying more by the chirp of an incoming call.

Maedhros checked they were both ready and accepted the call.

‘Hi! Hello!’ came two pleasant voices as the screen flickered and a couple appeared on the screen.

Faeleth and Athenir were both in their late forties and Maedhros thought they were some of the nicest people he’d ever met. Fae -as she like to be called-  was very practical and throughout the call she gave lots of great advice which Maedhros desperately tried to soak up like a sponge. She had shoulder-length blonde hair, hoop earrings and wore a yellow top. Athenir was so wonderfully kind and patient and exuded such a presence of calm it radiated through the tablet screen. He had salt and pepper hair and a dark beard, a wore a checked shirt over a blue top.

They introduced themselves and there was some general back and forth as they curiously asked questions about Maedhros and Maglor and the rest of the Noldoran family.

‘So you already have twins in the family!’ said Fae, ‘Oh that’s great, so you’ll kind of get the double act thing, like these two boys, they are a pair. And I mean that in the most basic sense, they won’t be separated not for anything. Even for the therapy sessions, we tried to just have them seen one by one but Elrond didn’t say anything and Elros kicked off. So now they just do everything together. The therapist says it’s fine for now, but yeah in the future that’ll need to be worked on.’

‘I think it depends on the twins themselves,’ said Maedhros thinking on Ambarussa, ‘But yeah our brothers were attached at the hip until they were like twelve?’ he looked at Maglor for confirmation.

Maglor nodded, ‘Even now they’re still super close, but they have their own hobbies and interests and stuff-’

Like Amrod chaining himself to billboards thought Maedhros, at least Pityo’s hobby of stargazing is less disruptive….actually, I take that back...he was suddenly reminded of the time he’d driven Amras out to the middle of nowhere to avoid light pollution and they’d ended up trespassing on private land. That had been a fun one to explain to Atar. Ahhh but I miss our late night chats….

Maglor was still speaking, ‘It’ll be fun for Elros and Elrond to meet them at some point,’ Maedhros assumed he was still referring to Ambarussa.

Fae seemed keen on that, ‘We’ve fostered nearly thirty kids but never twins, so it’s been a new experience for us. But they are very sweet, truly. Elros is the more outgoing of the two, he has a lot of energy so we’ve been channelling that, he likes his football so I’d recommend an outdoor goal or something so he can get the energy out. He’d be out in the garden until midnight if we let him, just kicking a football around.’

Athernir chimed in, ‘Yep he’s a character, well they both are, but Elros is more noticeable I’d say. Asks a million questions and shows his emotions. We’ve had a lot of meltdowns but that’s completely to be expected. They’re feeling all these big emotions and no idea what to do with them so one of the things we’ve been working on with Elros is to try and use his words to describe how he’s feeling and then we can either hug it out, or do an activity or sometimes it's honestly just sitting next to him whilst he just cries and lets it all out. He’s not violent or aggressive with it, but he might accidentally hurt himself so it’s just about being careful.’

Maglor nodded, ‘I totally understand, sometimes I have emotions that are too big for me even now!’ he laughed, ‘Sometimes I just go to the drum kit and just let it all out.’

‘Oh you play the drums?’ asked Fae.

‘He plays everything,’ chipped in Maedhros before Maglor could answer. His brother elbowed him playfully.

‘Not everything,’ he said, ‘I mean I’ve tried as many instruments as I can, but I like piano and violin best.’

‘He was in the Royal Orchestra,’ added Maedhros.

‘Nelyo-‘

‘What? I can’t be proud of you? I can’t boast about my brother’s talent?’

Athenir was watching the two of them interact with a warm smile on his face. ‘That’s wow, that’s amazing!’ said Fae in awe, ‘I don’t think the boys play any instruments, we haven’t asked have we? I didn’t see anything at their flat, but they could have been learning at school.’

‘You’ve been to their- Elwing’s flat?’ asked Maedhros, ‘We’re planning on going there this week to see what needs to be packed up and sorted.’ The flat was a council rented one and he’d emailed the housing department earlier to pay the outstanding rent until the end of the month, giving them enough time to clear it out and make sure all the belongings were sorted.

‘Yes I went to get some more clothes and toys for them, they left in such a rush,’ responded Fae. Her face suddenly turned more serious, and her tone lowered, ‘I best tell you this if you don’t already know, I don’t know what Rehta told you. But they had to bash the door in, the emergency services. She’d locked them in when she jumped.’

‘What?’ Maedhros was sure the shock on his face was mirrored by Maglor.

‘I don’t know if we’ve fully figured out the order of events,’ explained Athenir, ‘I think the police are still trying to piece it all together. But when asked, the twins said that Elwing was in one of her funny moods which tells us that she had these often enough that the boys recognised them.’

‘She wasn’t getting any sort of help from the doctors or anything,’ added Fae, ‘So there’s no formal mental health diagnosis. But the therapist was asking them gentle questions about it and Elrond said she’d told them she was going to fly….and then she jumped, so I don’t know if it was psychosis or… I don’t know, there were no drugs in her system, so it wasn’t chemically induced.’

‘Eru’  swore Maglor. Maedhros couldn’t speak, he felt very close to spacing out and was focusing all his effort to keep present in the conversation. He swilled the remainder of his tea around in his cup and finished off the dregs.

‘I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, and I know she was your family but, I’m so, so mad,’ said Fae, ‘I can’t get over the fact that they saw her, they literally saw her jump out the window and she locked them in the house so they couldn’t get out. The trauma….well… their voices were hoarse when they came to us, they’d been screaming for so long.’ Fae pursed her lips and looked away from the camera.

Athenir ever calm and understanding, spoke up, ‘It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be upset. We might never know what caused her to take her own life. It’s a tragedy and we just have to pick up the pieces. Obviously we regulate our own emotions in front of the kids, and try to help them as best we can.’

‘Of course,’ said Fae determinedly. ‘I just needed to be honest. I think they’ve replaced the door. Idril should have a set of the keys.’

There was a silence as neither Maedhros nor Maglor knew how to respond to the information they’d just been given. All Maedhros could think of was that he wanted to hold the twins and protect them from the world. He felt anger, not at Elwing – for her there was just a deep-seated sadness - but anger at the situation, he shouldn’t need to become a Kinship Carer in the first place, the world shouldn’t be this cruel.

‘I can tell you about Elrond?’ offered Athenir, clearly trying to break the silence of the conversation. At nods from the brothers he continued, ‘Well I’ve spent a fair bit of time with Elrond and I can say he’s a very bright boy. He’s quiet but observant, notices things others wouldn’t. He likes learning, if you spend the time to teach him he’s really invested which is wonderful. He also has trouble regulating emotions but instead of Elros who projects outwards, Elrond turns it all inwards, he bottles it all up and becomes non-verbal for a bit.’

‘Sounds like me,’ said Maedhros recognising the same pattern of twisting all his emotions inwards and torturing himself with them as opposed to letting them out healthily.

‘Yeah, so they’re quite different for all that they are alike,’ said Athenir. ‘I’ve spent more time with Elrond because of his allergies. Did you know about it? You might not, it’s medical information I suppose, we can share it now. So Elrond has a severe peanut allergy and he’s absolutely paranoid about it. Understandable as it’s anaphylaxis so he carries an epipen. He completely refused to eat anything the first night they were here, he has a list of safe foods which is extremely narrow. I’m the cook in this house so I’ve been gradually trying to expand his cuisine, and I think if he can see exactly what I am putting in the food and not see any peanuts then he’s okay. But yeah, you’ll need to find a way to work on his food fear in the long term.’

‘Our brother Curufin has a gluten intolerance,’ explained Maedhros, ‘I know it’s not the same as an allergy, but he can get very sick if he has gluten, so we’re used to catering for different dietary requirements in our house.’

‘Oh good,’ said Athernir, appearing relieved, ‘I’ve not seen a fear like it, it’s almost like a complete phobia.’

‘I like cooking,’ said Maglor, ‘I don’t mind having an audience, or a little helper, it’ll be fun.’

The conversation moved onto some more practical things like what sort of routine had been established in the foster placement so far, the clothes sizes of the twins, their favourite types of toys, their favourite foods and snacks and so on. Maglor made a list as they chatted, taking notes of things they could do to prepare for their arrival and to help them settle in.

Eventually the conversation turned to Elwing’s funeral on Friday.

‘We’ll bring the boys, we’ve been talking about Elwing’s death and how the funeral is a good time to say goodbye, but that she’s never gone in their hearts. I think she’s being cremated?’ asked Fae.

Maedhros confirmed this, ‘She made no preference so after talking with Idril we decided we wanted them to have the option to scatter her ashes when they were older and ready.’ He said, ‘We live a long way from Sirion and so having her buried there didn’t feel as accessible to them as having her ashes with us.’

‘Idril sent us some photos of her,’ added Maglor, ‘From her and Eärendil’s wedding. We’re going to get them printed and have them around the house.’

It looked like Athenir had tears in his eyes, ‘That’s really thoughtful,’ he said dabbing his eyes with a tissue.

‘Would you like to come for dinner on Thursday?’ asked Fae, ‘that way the boys can meet you before the funeral in a relaxed setting. We can show them a photo of you and tell them a bit about you ahead of you coming. It might help make things a bit less overwhelming on the day of the funeral. We won’t be staying for the wake.’

It was a good idea. Maedhros and Maglor were planning on driving over to Sirion on Wednesday and to first visit Idril, then on Thursday to go to Elwing’s flat, before the funeral on Friday. Meeting the twins would fit well with that.  

Maedhros felt equal parts nervous and excited to meet them. Idril had also send over photos of Elros and Elrond over and he and Maglor had spent a good hour or so that afternoon looking through them, from baby bump photos of Elwing pregnant and Eärendil looking so excited, to newborn photos of the babies in Tuor’s arms looking so tiny, then toddler photos with the twins being covered in sand at the beach.

It had been bittersweet looking through them. The young family had been so happy, so full of life. You could almost see the change after Eärendil had passed, Elwing wasn’t in the photos as much and when she was she had sad eyes, even when she was smiling she looked sad.

And now she was gone.

Maedhros knew there was nothing he could do to bring her back, but looking through the photos he felt like he and Maglor could at least try to create new and happy memories with Elros and Elrond once more.

A sudden thought struck him, when was the last time I was happy?

It sat, heavy in his chest a weight that he was suddenly aware of but wasn’t new.

I don’t remember the last time I was happy.

He hadn’t completely spaced out but he’d certainly withdrawn into himself. Not wanting to always leave it to Maglor to shoulder the burden of socialising, with a great effort he pushed those thoughts and feelings down and focused in on the conversation currently happening.

They talked back and forth for a few more minutes about timings and details for their visit and the funeral, but it was getting late and so after exchanging phone numbers with Fae and Athenir Maedhros ended the call.

‘You still here with me?’ asked Maglor gently, ‘It’s been a rough week hey.’

‘It really has,’ said Maedhros with a hollow laugh, putting his left arm over his eyes to block out the light.

‘Did therapy this morning help at all?’

Maedhros thought back on his session with Cendis, he’d driven over to her office and it had been nice to touch base with her on the other side of the weekend. They’d discussed the funeral and other potential triggers that might happen in the week, to disrupt Maedhros’ delicate mental balance he’d worked had to achieve over the past few years.

‘It did, but there’s no avoiding the fact that this is all extremely stressful right now,’ said Maedhros.

‘Oh yeah,’ agreed Maglor, ‘It’s a lot, but we’re in this together remember?’ he reached out and squeezed Maedhros’ leg.

‘Yeah.’

‘We’re gonna make mistakes – I know you hate that, but we are, it’s life. We’re gonna fuck up, but it’s okay, we’ll learn, and we’ll get better. The twins are coming to the best place, they’re family. They’re gonna be fine and we’re gonna be fine too.’

‘Do you think they’re gonna be happy here?’ asked Maedhros, removing his arm and looking earnestly at his brother.

‘Yes.’ Said Maglor firmly, ‘Of course it can’t be all the time, but overall, yes. I think we can give them that.’

‘Do you think we will be happy?’

Maglor paused, ‘Yes,’ he said cautiously, ‘I think we will be happy…why?’

‘I-‘ Maedhros hesitated. Maglor just waited patiently a kind expression on his face. ‘I- Kàno, I don’t think I know how to be happy…I cant remember the last time I was happy…’

And in that moment Maedhros thought Maglor looked so sad, but then he was being scooped up into a slightly crumpled embrace as they were both sat on the sofa.

‘Come here Nelyo, it’s okay. We’ll help you find your happiness again, me and the twins. We’re all going to have to figure it out together. You’ll be happy again, I promise.’

Maedhros let himself be held and hardly dared hope to believe his brother.

Chapter Text

Elrond

*

‘Can you pass me the spoon please Elrond? The wooden one, yes that’s it thank you.’

Athenir took the spoon from Elrond’s hand and used it to stir around the pasta in the pan. The pasta was now twice the size it had been in the packet and as Athenir stirred in the cream cheese mixture it got all caught up and coated in the sauce.

‘It’s looking good!’ he said brightly, ‘Can you pass me the block of cheese next?’

Elrond looked up from where he’d been watching Athenir stir the pasta in the pan, mesmerised, and turned to grab the cheese from the counter. He picked it up, it was heavy and he had to use both hands to pass it to Athenir. The man took it and began to grate it over the creamy macaroni pasta in the pan. Elrond watched as the cheese began to melt and go all gooey.

‘How cheesy should we make it?’ Athenir asked, looking at him.

‘Um,’ said Elrond, not sure what the right answer would be. ‘Elros likes cheese.’

‘He does. How much cheese would you like?’

‘A bit.’ He didn’t want to be greedy.

‘A bit?’ Athenir was smiling at him now, he had a very kind smile. ‘Is this a bit?’ he grated more cheese, ‘Is this bit?’ he added more, ‘Is this a bit?’ He was being very silly now.

Elrond laughed, ‘That’s lots!’

‘Yeah lots of cheese!’ replied Athenir grinning too. ‘Alright, you hop down and go and call the others for dinner.’

Elrond clambered down from the step stool and hurried to the living room to find Fae and his brother.

Fae was sat on the couch, her legs curled under her reading a book. It was a thick book and didn’t have any pictures in it. Elrond thought she must find it very boring.

‘Um, dinner’s ready,’ he announced shyly, standing by the door.

Fae looked up, ‘Oh is it? What are we having?’

‘Macaroni cheesy pasta,’ he thought that was what it was called.

‘Macaroni cheesy pasta?!’ Fae exclaimed, ‘That’s my favourite! Did you help make it?’

Elrond nodded, Fae beamed at him, and he felt warm in his tummy.

‘I bet it’s going to taste extra amazing because you helped to make it!’

Elrond felt his face get warm as well. He stood awkwardly by the door and twisted the doorknob back forth, watching the latch go in and out.

Fae put a bookmark in her book and closed it, standing with a stretch and a yawn. ‘Oh my goodness, what a big yawn! I must be very sleepy. Shall we grab Elros?’

Elrond followed Fae as she went to the French doors which opened onto the garden. They hadn’t had a garden in their flat, not even a balcony. If they’d wanted to go outside they had to go with Naneth or one of the neighbour kid’s mothers to the playground with the grimy swings and hard tarmac. Elrond remember tripping and scraping his knee there. He’d howled as Naneth had picked out all the grit and little stones from the cut and dabbed it with stinging antiseptic cream. But then she’d put a plaster on it and kissed it better and held him and rocked him until his tears stopped.

Naneth.

He was crying again now, hot tears running down his cheeks. His chest hurt.

Fae was leaning out of the French doors to shout for Elros - not wanting to get her slippers dirty on the damp patio outside -then she turned back to Elrond as he took an audible shuddering breath.

‘Oh poppet,’ she said sadly, ‘Do you want to hold my hand?’

Elrond nodded and slipped his hand into hers. He didn’t like hugs anymore, not now Naneth wasn’t here to give them, but he held onto Fae’s hand tightly and she squeezed his back.

Elros still liked hugs, he was like one of those Koala bears Elrond had seen on a video. He hugged Fae and Athenir with his whole body, holding on tightly. He held onto Elrond like that too sometimes, especially in bed at night.

Elros ran down the length of the garden dribbling the football as best he could, his shins were covered in grass stains.

‘Oh heck!’ said Fae, ‘You’re going to turn the bath green tonight young man.’ Elros just grinned at her, then he spotted that Elrond was upset and his expression changed abruptly.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked.

Elrond sucked in a breath and nodded. He wasn’t really but he didn’t want Elros to get upset too. Fae squeezed his hand again and pulled out a packet of tissues from her pocket and crouching down she wiped the tears from Elrond’s face.

‘It’s all right sweetheart,’ she said, ‘It’s okay to cry.’

They kept saying that to him. All the grown-ups did. Rehta, Fae, Athenir, Miss Rên….

If it’s okay to cry, why do I feel so bad about it?

Elrond blew his nose into the tissue, and tried to take some deep breaths like Miss Rên had taught him. He didn’t feel much better, but the tears subsided.

Elros was wiping his football boots on the mat as Fae instructed him too and stepped inside to take Elrond’s other hand. His hand was warm and sweaty but it fit perfectly in Elrond’s.

They headed through to the kitchen where Athenir was dishing up the macaroni cheesy pasta onto plates and setting them at the table. Fae held Elros up to the sink so he could wash his hands before dinner. He dried his hands on a tea towel embroidered with flowers. Elrond didn’t know what type of flowers they were, he thought he’d ask Athenir later.

Elrond sat on his chair next to Elros and waited for Fae and Athenir to be seated. They had a routine of saying grace to Yavanna which was something Naneth kind of did, but not with any regularity. They held hands around the table and thanked the Yavanna for the harvest and then tucked in to eat.

The macaroni cheesy pasta was very good, and Elrond managed to eat most of it on his plate. It helped that Athenir had shown him all of the ingredients and exactly how to make it, so he wasn’t worried about peanuts. Elrond thought that one day when he could be allowed near the stove he might be able to make it, it seemed easy enough and was tasty.

Elros had practically inhaled his food and was lounging in his chair waiting to be let down from the table. When Elrond, the last one to finish eating, finally put down his knife and fork Elros was bobbing in his chair asking to go.

‘Hang on young man,’ said Fae in a firm tone, ‘Athenir and I wanted to speak to you both before you two go play after dinner.’

Elrond felt his stomach churn with the cheesy pasta inside, it felt like a washing machine. Grown ups used that tone when it was something important. And something important was usually bad.

Athenir must have seen Elrond’s face change, or he was a mind-reader because he was saying quickly, ‘Don’t worry, it’s good news I promise. We have something exciting to share with you both-‘ but he was interrupted by Elros shouting.

‘You’re getting a target for the football goal!’

‘Ah, indoor voice Elros,’ chided Athenir, ‘And no, that’s not it.’

Elros was pouting. Elrond didn’t know why he was because they’d never had a garden to play in until now and there was a goal in the garden for Elrond to kick the ball into. Toys were expensive and they were lucky to have new ones to play with here.

Athenir cleared his voice and continued, ‘We had some good news from Rehta that your cousins would like you to come and live with them.’

Cousins?

Elrond was confused, they didn’t have any cousins. Friends at school had cousins, but when they’d asked Naneth she said they didn’t have any. Neither Naneth nor Adar had any brothers or sisters, so there were no cousins.

‘They’re grown-up cousins,’ Fae explained, seeing the confusion on the twin’s faces. ‘Their names are Maedhros and Maglor and they were your Adar’s cousins.’

‘If they are Adar’s cousins, why are they our cousins?’ asked Elros.

Fae and Athenir shared an equally quizzical look, ‘Er...They have the same great-grandad as you,’ said Athenir, ‘Or maybe it’s great-great grandad, it doesn’t matter how they are your cousins really. Only that they are. They are family and they would really like it for you to go live with them.’

‘They want us to live with them?’ asked Elrond.

‘Yes,’ said Fae with a smile, ‘They really do, they’ve heard all about you and can’t wait to meet you. They have a lovely house and garden and a nice family, we think you’ll be really happy there.’

‘How big is their garden?’ asked Elros.

‘I don’t know, but you can ask them. They are going to come for dinner on Thursday, that’s not tomorrow but the day after that, and you can meet them there. They’re really looking forward to meeting you.’

Elrond was trying to get it all straight in his head, ‘So we won’t be living with you?’ he asked. They’d only just arrived. They’d only just left their old flat, they still didn’t have all their clothes and toys and what about Naneth and Adar’s things?

Athenir smiled kindly at him, ‘You will live with us for a little while longer whilst the grown-ups sort everything out, and then the plan is for you to move to Maedhros and Maglor’s house and they will look after you.’

‘Would you like to see a picture of them?’ asked Fae, she pulled her phone out from her pocket and tapped the screen a few times. She flipped the screen around so they could see.

Elrond and Elros leaned forward in their seats, getting elbows on the table but no one minded, in order to see better.

On Fae’s phone was a photo of two men, one had red hair and the other had dark hair. Elrond looked between them, they looked like brothers. Not in the way he and Elros looked the same, Maedhros and Maglor weren’t identical, but they had the same eyes and same face shape. They reminded him of Adar, they were both smiling at the camera and their eyes did the same scrunchy thing Adar’s did.

‘Maglor likes to play musical instruments, and Maedhros likes to read books,’ said Fae, pointing to each man so Elrond could see that Maedhros was the one with red hair and Maglor was the one with dark hair.

‘Do they have a cat?’ asked Elros.

Elrond almost laughed and how silly his brother’s question was. Elros had wanted a cat for ages, he always asked for a cat for his birthday or Yule, but so far no cats. He had plenty of stuffed cats, but they were back at the flat. He’d only brought his favourite stuffed tiger with him to Fae and Athenir’s.

‘I don’t think they do, but you can ask them,’ said Fae.

‘Why don’t we come up with a list of questions to ask them when they come?’ suggested Athenir, ‘That could be a great way to get to know them! And I’m sure they will have questions for you as well.’

‘What sorts of questions?’ asked Elrond, his stomach felt less like a washing machine but was still fluttery.

‘Well things you like to do, what sorts of toys you like to play with, games you like to play. What your favourite food is, what your favourite animal is, that sort of thing,’ explained Athenir.

Elros was practically vibrating in his chair now, ‘Do you think they’ll like football? And cats? And slime?!’ he said this last one with eyes wide.

‘Maybe!’ said Fae laughing at Elros’ enthusiasm, ‘Do you want to grab some paper and pens Elros and we’ll go make a list in the living room?’ She turned to Athenir, ‘I’ll wash up love, thanks for cooking a wonderful dinner.’ She kissed him on the mouth and started to clear away the plates.

Elrond watched them and missed his parents. Adar would kiss Naneth like that and she’d smile and he’d spin her around in the kitchen and then they’d all end up having a dance party listening to the speaker.

His chest hurt, he missed them so much. He missed Adar taking them out on adventures to the beach, he missed Naneth singing them songs whilst she plaited their hair in the mornings before school, he missed their tiny kitchen with the sticky floor and broken cabinet that Adar said he’d fix but never got around to it.

Elros was off and out to the living room, Elrond could hear him pulling out the drawer of coloured markers and rattling all the pens inside.

‘Come on then lad,’ said Athenir encouragingly, Elrond hopped down from his chair and followed the way into the living room.

Elros was already sitting cross-legged at the coffee table, covering a sheet of paper in brightly coloured lines.

‘Wow what are you drawing Elros?’ Athenir sat on the sofa and looked over.

‘It’s for our cousins Maedhros and Maglor,’ announced Elros, he was now going in with the green felt-tip and marking the page.

‘Fantastic, I am sure they will love that,’ praised Athenir. ‘Elrond do you want to draw or do you want to think of some questions to ask them?’

‘Um,’ Elrond wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, ‘Can- can I see the photo again?’ he asked tentatively.

‘Oh? Sure,’ Athenir fumbled with his phone for a minute before setting it down on the coffee table. Elrond picked up the phone and looked at the photo of his cousins. Maedhros and Maglor.

‘Do Maedhros and Maglor know the beach?’ asked Elros. ‘The secret beach, the one where Adar took us and there was the cave!’

‘I don’t know, is that one of your questions?’ asked Athenir, Elros replied that it was. ‘Great, I shall write that down on this piece of paper. Elrond are you still thinking of questions?’

Elrond nodded. He was still looking at the photo of Maedhros and Maglor. They looked friendly, Elrond thought. He imagined what they might be like, there had been a lot of new-grown-ups recently. A lot of new names and faces to get used to.

‘How about we ask them what their favourite colours are?’ suggested Athenir.

‘My favourite colour is blue!’ cried Elros he dropped his green pen and reached for a blue one now.

Over the next twenty minutes or so they compiled a list of questions with Athenir’s help to ask Maedhros and Maglor when they visited on Thursday. Elrond only supplied two questions, one about whether they liked mango (his favourite fruit) and had they ever been on a plane? This last one was mainly because he was looked out of the window and saw a plane coming into land at the Sirion airport. He and Elros had never been on a plane, neither had Naneth, but Adar had plenty of times, he’d been on holiday with Mam Idril and Haru Tuor when he was little.

But then he thought about flying and about Naneth saying she was going to fly before she jumped out of the window. She had kept saying it, over and over and over.

It’s okay babies, I can fly see? I’ll show you. It’s easy. Like in the storybooks yeah? I’m going to fly, you watch Naneth fly! I’ll be fine my babies-

-‘Elrond? Elrond?’ Athenir’s voice startled him and he jumped. ‘Oh I’m sorry Elrond, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You spaced out for a second there. Are you okay?’ the foster-carer was looking at him softly.

Elrond began to cry.

And then Elros began to cry.

The rest of the evening was a blur. Elros had a full-on meltdown, he screamed and refused to get in the bath for bathtime. But since his legs were dirty from football, Fae had to sponge him down with warm water before he could put his pyjamas on. But then he screamed again and threw his pyjamas and toys out of the bedroom onto the landing.

Elrond just sat on his bed, crying silently and watching as his brother went redder and redder in the face and lost his voice. He hated it. He wanted Elros to calm down but when he was like this he wouldn’t listen to Elrond nor anyone else. Athenir sat with Elrond on the bed, holding his hand and offering him clean tissues each time he dirtied them. Soon there was a pile of them on his bedspread.

‘I want Naneth,’ Elrond whispered, hoping no-one would hear.

But Athenir did, he looked over, ‘I know you do. I’m so sorry you are hurting Elrond. She loved you very, very much. You cry as much as you need to, it’s okay to cry. It’s very sad.’

‘But Elros is being so naughty,’ he breathed.

‘Elros is very upset, just like you. He shows it differently. He shouldn’t throw things, but look he’s stopped doing that now. Fae is giving him a big hug. Do you want a hug?’

Elrond shook his head. Athenir squeezed his hand and continued to sit with him.

‘Maedhros and Maglor won’t want us to live with them because we cry all the time,’ said Elrond, so quietly Athenir had to lean down to hear him.

‘Your cousins want you to live with them and they wont mind if you cry. It’s okay to cry. It’s normal to cry, your Naneth is gone. She’s died and it’s very, very sad. They are sad too.’

‘I don’t want Elros to be in trouble.’

‘He’d not in trouble, when he has calmed down we will talk to him about not throwing things. He needs to learn to use his words when he’s this upset. And, can I just say, thank you for using your words Elrond. Well done. I know it’s hard for you.’

Elrond pulled his knees up to his chest and ducked his head down, it was too much. He didn’t want to speak anymore.

‘Ah, I’m sorry lad. But that’s okay, we’ll sit here a while longer okay? And then I can tuck you into bed.’

They sat in silence as more tears flowed but Elrond had used up all his words for the day.

At long last Fae came into the room with a clean, pyjama-clad Elrond, cried out and falling asleep in her arms. She set him down on the other bed in the room and started to pull the covers up, but before she could cover Elros, Elrond had climbed down his bed and slid in with his brother.

Fae and Athenir knew by now that even if they put the twins in separate beds to begin with, they’d migrate together over the course of the night. So they just smiled and pulled up the covers. Athenir smoothed Elrond’s hair back from his face and Fae pulled the duvet over the two of them.

Elros reached for Elrond as soon as he was in the bed. His brother wrapped his arms around him and tangled his legs like an octopus. Elrond didn’t mind, he felt safe like this. Adar was gone, Naneth was gone but Elros was here and always would be.

Fae and Athenir said their goodnights and then with a flick of the switch, the light went out.

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

They took Maedhros’ car because it had more room on account of it being a four-wheel drive and they weren’t sure how much stuff they were going to bring back with them from Sirion. Maglor loaded the suitcases into the boot along with their suits for the funeral, the box of Orders of Service he’d collected from the printers yesterday afternoon and a bag of presents for Elros and Elrond.

It was decidedly early in the morning; the sun was not yet peeking over the horizon, but the sky was stained magenta and crimson, heralding its imminent arrival. Maedhros wanted to get on the motorway before the rush-hour traffic hit and be well clear of people piling into the city for work. He set up the sat nav as Maglor locked up and then he reversed out of the driveway, and they were off.

Maglor had put himself in charge of the music -of course- but had at Maedhros’ insistence made a playlist with no vocals. Pleasant, chill music flowed from the speakers as Maedhros navigated through the quiet city streets, onto the bypass and then merging with the motorway without much difficulty.

His brother had been quiet this morning and was nursing a coffee with puffy eyes and slightly unkempt hair. Maglor was not a morning person.

‘How late were you up last night?’ questioned Maedhros, glancing over at his silent passenger.

‘You’ll be cross with me whatever I say,’ grumbled Maglor.

‘I’m going to assume a silly hour of the morning then,’ said Maedhros.

‘No, this is a silly hour of the morning.’

‘It’s perfectly reasonable-‘

‘Don’t start-‘ retorted Maglor, but he paused and rubbed his face, ‘No, I’m sorry, you don’t deserve my grumpy guts this morning. It’s my own fault I hardly slept. I just had an idea for a song that’s all and I wanted to write it down or I’d forget.’

‘It’s fine, I shouldn’t have poked you,’ apologised Maedhros, ‘If you want to get some sleep whilst we drive I’ll be okay, it’s easy driving until we get to Aelinuial.’

‘Let me finish my coffee and then I’ll be more alive,’ said Maglor and he took another long draft of his drink.

The driving was as straightforward as Maedhros had predicted and they made good time on the motorway for an hour and a half, stopping off at a service station in Ramdal to get breakfast -pain au chocolats much to Maglor’s delight. Maedhros stretched his limbs, his car was big which helped with him being so tall but even still, it was a lot of driving, and he felt concertinaed in the vehicle. He enjoyed driving now, with the special adaptations on the steering wheel so he could drive one handed, it gave him a sense of independence and not having to rely on others to take him places or fetch things for him.

Breakfast acquired, they got back in the car and continued on their journey, following the River Sirion to its end. The route was trickier now as they passed through many towns and cities along the river and had to keep criss-crossing over the waterway on numerous bridges. After a few more hours and a few more breaks- at one stop Maglor got completely distracted and wandered off for nearly half an hour by which time Maedhros was seriously considering leaving him behind in Nan-Tathren - they were finally seeing signs for Sirion.

‘It’s starting to feel real now,’ said Maglor, his fingers tapping out a rhythm on his leg. ‘We’re going to meet them soon, Elros and Elrond. I’m nervous, are you nervous?’

‘If you’re nervous then there’s no hope for me,’ Maedhros said wryly.

‘You’re a natural with kids though, it’ll all come flooding back I’m sure, I don’t think I was ever very good with the rest of our brothers. I was too self-absorbed, all I wanted to do was play music and get into the Academy.’

‘And you did both of those things whilst being a fun and loving and only mildly annoying brother,’ smirked Maedhros, weathering the jab Maglor poked into his upper arm, ‘But in all seriousness, you were fab with them especially, Moryo, Curvo and the twins.’

Maglor snorted, ‘You think that explains why Turko is so messed up?’

‘Aren’t we all messed up?’ countered Maedhros.

‘Oh fuck yeah, none of us are normal, but at least we have each other,’ said Maglor.

There was silence between them for a bit, only the car engine providing a hum as they continued on their journey, the sat nav telling them they would arrive in another twenty minutes.

‘You’re my best friend, you know that right?’ said Maglor, looking over at Maedhros, ‘I’m so glad we’re in this together.’

‘So am I,’ said Maedhros, glad that even though their lives had been turned upside down in the past ten days, he had his brother at his side. He knew he would never have got through his recovery if it weren’t for him. Maglor was perhaps one of the only reasons Maedhros was still here today. Yes there was the extraction team who’d got him out of Thangorodrim and the surgeons who’d operated and patched him up. But the years of recovery were long -and still ongoing- and Maglor had been there every day and every night, literally and metaphorically holding him together until he could just about do it himself.

You’re my best friend too.

~

They came at last to Sirion. Idril and Tuor lived on the outskirts of the city and Maedhros followed the sat-nav which boldly took them down a series of side-streets and windy roads, causing Maedhros to grow ever more sceptical, but eventually they arrived and parked outside a smart looking house on a hill overlooking the city of Sirion and the Bay of Balar.

Sirion evoked that feeling of freshness, no doubt because of the winds that rushed up from the gulf stream to the south, ushering in changeable weather to blow out the cobwebs and any lingering malaise. The tide was in, and the deep blue sea hugged the coastline and the dense harbour walls, foamy white waves lapping at the stone in rhythmic pats. The city gleamed clean in the September morning sun, the last vestiges of Summer still clinging onto the greenery in the trees, Autumn having not yet reached this far south.

The vast majority of the houses and buildings in the city had the same architectural style: tall and slender with long, narrow windows and they were all whitewashed and had slate roof tiles. Spires and towers rose up to the sky from places of worship, contrasting with the more modern glass office blocks and apartment buildings which added to the skyline in the city centre. The Old Palace was still identifiable in the view, with thick battlements surrounding a tall keep in the centre. It was no longer a place of royal residence and was open to the public, Maedhros vaguely remembered visiting it with his family when he was younger and being disappointed there weren’t any real dungeons.

The brothers got out of the car and were immediately hit by the smell of salt and sea-air. Gulls wheeled overhead, shrieking at one another.

Maedhros stretched and felt some of his joints pop. He closed the car door and turned to look at Idril and Tuor’s house. He hadn’t visited since he was a child and only had hazy memories of coming here with his mother and father and toddler-Maglor.

The house had the same whitewash as all the others in the street but there were window boxes full of flowers and a well-kept garden in the front. The door opened and Idril stood waving to them. She was dressed in a floral purple top and lilac trousers, the rim of her glasses was vivid green and her grey hair was arranged elegantly on top of her head.

‘Oh you made good time! I’ve just put the kettle on, come on in, come on in!’ She ushered them inside.

‘Thanks so much for having us Cousin Idril,’ said Maedhros leaning down and kissing her on the cheek.

‘Oh don’t be silly, it’s so lovely to see you both! And it’s no bother having you over!’

They left their shoes on the rack and hung up their jackets on the coat stand in the hallway. Maglor handed her the bunch of flowers he’d picked up in Nan-Tathren.

‘Oh look at these aren’t they lovely? I love lilies and is that purple lisianthus too? They smell divine,’ Idril gushed. The brothers found themselves led through to a pleasant sitting room, dated in the wallpaper and furnishings but cosy all the same.

In a stout, brown armchair sat a man, looking old beyond his years and shrunken in stature from the tall height Maedhros remembered him to be. It was Tuor. He was dressed in a smart brown suit with a blue button up shirt, his white hair neat and trimmed short. He looked up from his lap where a book on maritime navigation rested, and confusion crossed his brow.

‘Tuor my love, this is Maedhros and Maglor, they’re my cousins on my father’s side, and they’ve come to visit this morning.’ Idril went to Tuor and held his hand, speaking clearly as she introduced them.

On the drive over the brothers had discussed Tuor’s dementia. Idril had given them some steers on how to approach her husband -keep conversation friendly and simple, avoid causing confusion by arguing or correcting timescales and dates, be patient and prepared to repeat their sentences if needed.

Maglor went forward easily and calmly, holding out his hand for Tuor to shake, ‘Good morning sir, how are you?’

‘Well, very well,’ said Tuor, his voice wavering a little, but he shook Maglor’s hand in greeting, ‘You’ve come for tea have you?’

‘We have indeed,’ responded Maglor with a smile, ‘Cousin Idril do you need a hand?’

‘Oh no, not at all, you two make yourselves comfortable, sit down, sit down. I’ll go find a vase for these wonderful flowers, and sort a pot of tea.’

‘Decaf for me if you’ve got it,’ called out Maedhros after her, wincing at being an imposition already.

‘Oh I’ve got some somewhere don’t worry,’ she waved her hand at them and disappeared from the room, presumably to the kitchen where the whistle of a kettle could be heard starting up.

Maedhros turned his attention back to Tuor. ‘Good morning sir,’ he said, stepping in closer as Maglor sat down on the dark green settee and was looking inquisitively  around the room.

 ‘I’d offer you a handshake but-‘ he held up his forearm to show Tuor that he no longer had a right hand. Not for the first time he wished he’d lost his left, but he’d found from experience that if he addressed the situation early on, it saved awkwardness when others went in to shake a hand that was now a ghost.

Tuor, upon seeing his stump did a double take, ‘Oh my, you’ve been in the wars lad, or were you born that way?’

‘I was injured in conflict,’ Maedhros confirmed.

‘Navy?’ asked Tuor.

‘No, army. Territorial conflict in the North.’

‘Ah,’ nodded Tuor, ‘Nasty business. My son is in the Navy you know.’

‘I did know,’ said Maedhros. He joined Maglor on the sofa, ‘I played with Eärendil when I was younger, down on the beach.’

‘Can’t keep that boy away from the sea,’ said Tuor, he gave a nod to the mantlepiece, where Maedhros could see a collection of framed photographs, the largest contained a portrait of a twenty-year old Eärendil, in his white and blue Royal Navy uniform, smiling at the camera. He was handsome in an easy classical way, blonde hair and blue eyes and even from the photo he seemed to warm up the room.

Maedhros felt a wave of grief pass over him at the missed opportunity to know Eärendil in adulthood, if the happy carefree boy he remembered had kept that charm into his prime years then he would have been a dear friend to anyone who knew him.

He noted the tense that Tuor was using to talk about Eärendil was in the present. Neither he nor Maglor corrected him.

Then, Idril was bustling back into the room a tray in her hands, a steaming teapot and several mugs balanced on it. Maglor jumped up immediately, ‘Cousin Idril you should have let me help.’

‘Nonsense,’ she dismissed, ‘I am perfectly able to manage! Now, I’ve got sugars and milk for you, so please help yourselves,’ she set the tea tray down on the low table and they helped themselves.

The conversation progressed easy enough, Maedhros and Maglor followed Idril’s lead with Tuor and kept the talk to light topics. Their cousin-by-law was able to follow along without much difficulty, and once they got him onto the topic of ships and the sea he was clearly in his element. His eyes lit up and his tone changed to be full of vigour and energy. The tales he told were meandering, but Maedhros and Maglor listened intently, recognising they were in the presence of someone who was clearly an expert mariner.

The time passed pleasantly for an hour or so until Idril stood up and announced she was going to make them lunch and would Maedhros like to help her in the kitchen?

‘You’d be better taking the other young man,’ called out Tuor, ‘He’s at least got two working hands.’

‘Oh don’t worry about Maedhros,’ said Maglor with a grin, ‘He’s more than capable. Now, Cousin Tuor tell me more about the aircraft carrier you served on, what was it like being on such a big ship?’

The distraction worked and Tuor launched into a fantastic monologue about his naval experience serving on a mighty warship.

Maedhros shut the door to the sitting room and the conversation.

‘Thank you for being so understanding,’ said Idril, ‘He’s really almost like his old self when you get him talking about the sea.’

‘It’s got to be difficult,’ said Maedhros as he followed her through to the kitchen.

She sighed heavily as she opened the cupboard and drew out a loaf of bread setting it down on the counter. ‘It’s the hardest thing in the world, seeing your love die a slow death, his soul fragmenting before your very own eyes.’ She closed her own, drawing in a breath as if she were holding back tears, ‘I’m mourning him whilst he’s still alive. I’d almost rather a clean break, like with Eärendil and Elwing-‘ she stopped, choking up.

Maedhros reached out and placed his left hand over hers on the counter. He could feel her grip on the worktop under his: strong - as if she was holding on for dear life.

‘You are suffering so much,’ he said quietly, ‘How can we lighten the load?’

‘Just make sure those two little boys have lives filled with love and happiness,’ she said, staring up into his face, a fierce blazing expression on her own. ‘Promise me you’ll love them like your own.’

‘Cousin Idril,’ said Maedhros looking down at her, sincerity burning through his voice, intense and searing, ‘I already love them like they’re my own. My brother and I have promised to ourselves that we will give them everything in our power to make sure their lives are as unburdened and happy as possible. I give you my word.’

She sniffed, pulling her hand from his and drawing out a handkerchief she dabbed at her eyes under her glasses and wiped her nose.

‘They’re the only thing we have left of him’ she said, ‘Eärendil. And Elwing too,’ she added. ‘I hate the thought of the little ones going so far away, but I know it’s for the best.’

‘They will be so loved and cherished,’ promised Maedhros, ‘And we will visit, and we will do video calls. They’re your grandchildren, we’re not stealing them from you.’

‘Oh I know that dear,’ she said admonishing him, ‘I’m just lamenting. You’ll have to forgive this silly old woman. It’s been a horrendous few years and I’m so, so tired sometimes. Sometimes I don’t know if I have the strength to continue. Seeing Tuor decline….my heart breaks every single day.’

‘Does he know Eärendil is gone?’ asked Maedhros carefully.

‘Some days he remembers,’ she said, ‘And then he wails and wails and I cannot comfort him. It’s almost a kindness I suppose when he doesn’t remember.’

‘You are bearing an unbearable load alone,’ said Maedhros. At least when his own father had died he’d had his whole family around for comfort. Idril had no-one else in the house.

‘I have friends, I have my chaplain who’s been ever so good,’ she said, ‘And now I have you boys. I tell you, when the social worker rang I near gave up, then, I remembered you.’

‘I am so glad you did,’ said Maedhros, and then trying to lighten the mood in the kitchen he said, ‘Although, ask me once the twins have moved in, maybe I’ll be less generous, we have twin brothers, I don’t know if Maglor and I are properly remembering how chaotic it was when they were little... ’

She laughed at this and it warmed Maedhros’ heart to see her smile, she looked so much more vibrant and Maedhros was hit with a memory of her and his mother laughing loud and free on the quayside in Sirion.  Another time….another life. He grieved for the long-past disputes between their families, for the severing of the connection between him and Eärendil. For the loss of Eärendil, Elwing and the slow, lingering and painful decline of Tuor.

Maedhros remembered the tall, confident man who’d passionately insisted on buying them all ice-creams - even Fëanor - and had come back from the van, seven ice-cream cones balanced between his fingers, fending off seagulls with swears and kicks, determined to get the precious treats back to his own and his wife’s cousin’s family. Maedhros had thought him incredible.

‘Ah yes, you’re in for an adventure, no mistake,’ Idril said, ‘But I think you both are more than up to the task. Now help me with the lunch. I thought we’d keep it simple with sandwiches.’

Maedhros helped out Idril by buttering a good twenty slices of bread and assembling the sandwiches as she prepared a fragrant side salad to go with the lunch. He was also happy to be of use by reaching to grab the condiments from the higher shelves, waving away Idril’s step stool with a laugh. Once a tremendous pile of sandwiches had been formed along with the salad, and a bottle of lemonade opened, Idril called into the other room.

Maglor came through with Tuor on his arm, he flashed his older brother a grin and helped Tuor into his chair at the table.

‘Well this looks amazing Cousin Idril,’ declared Maglor, settling himself at the table and looking at the spread before him with gleaming eyes.

‘You didn’t lose your other hand then?’ chuckled Tuor. Maedhros humoured him and rolled his eyes comically at the bad joke.

‘Left hand still present and correct sir,’ he said pleasantly, also pulling up a chair and sitting down.

‘Pass the salad Nelyo,’ said Maglor and they all set about tucking into the food.

Conversation turned to the twins over lunch. Tuor did at first need reminding of their names, but he was happy to chip in with Idril’s stories of Elros and Elrond.

‘They were here yesterday!’ he declared at one point, ‘Running around like little tykes, wanting to jump on everything. Playing some sort of pirate game.’

Maedhros shot a look to Idril, and she shook her head imperceptibly, ah, okay he thought and didn’t bother to correct the older gentleman on his confused timeframe. Instead enjoying the way Tuor was attempting to be cross at the twins but clearly had an obvious soft spot for them.

The pile of sandwiches was decimated, and the plates had only crumbs. Maglor rose to do the dishes, practically racing to the kitchen to outdo Idril, but she still followed, insisting that they were guests and that they should rest. Maglor argued vociferously that as guests they should help out and besides Maedhros had helped make the lunch so he should assist in clearing up. And Idril had been so welcoming and hospitable it really was only right he did his part.

Tuor laughed at them as they left the dining room, ‘He’s a charmer your brother. Like Eärendil, easy to talk to.’

‘He’s always found it easy to make conversation,’ said Maedhros gazing after his brother fondly. Maedhros had long made peace with Maglor’s natural talent for pleasantries and idle chatter as opposed to Maedhros’ long study and practice of it. He turned to Tuor, his cousin-by-law sitting across the table from him, ‘Cousin Tuor, do you mind if I ask you a question?’

‘You can surely ask, and I’ll do my best to answer!’ said Tuor genially, ‘You seem troubled lad. Like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.’

‘Oh there’s a lot going on right now,’ said Maedhros in acknowledgement, ‘But I’ll be alright. I wanted to ask you about…well fatherhood I suppose. I find myself in the position of, um, about to become a parent-’ he kept his words deliberately vague enough that the situation of Eärendil and Elwing’s passing wouldn’t be apparent, ‘-And I wondered what advice, you might have?’

‘Oh, congratulations!’ said Tuor, ‘Bet you’re scared out of your mind?’

‘You could say that,’ said Maedhros, ‘It’s mix of emotions.’

‘That it is,’ agreed Tuor, ‘Your whole world suddenly is not about you but about them.’

Maedhros nodded.

Tuor thought long and hard, quiet for so long that Maedhros didn’t want to press him if his mind had wandered from the conversation, but at long last the older man answered, ‘Best advice I can give you young man is to be present. And I say this not as someone who did this, but rather as someone who didn’t, or didn’t do as much as he should have. The days are long, but the years are quick, as the saying goes and it’s true. I missed a lot of milestones in Eärendil’s life and had no-one to blame but myself. I spent a long time trying to catch up, when I could have avoided that by being there in the first place.’

‘That’s- that’s helpful thank you,’ said Maedhros sincerely. He thought his problem was less likely to be physical absence, but rather mental absence and it was a good reminder that the best thing he could offer the twins was just being there. He didn’t need to be perfect, he just needed to be present.

‘I think it’s advice my son could also take,’ added Tuor.

Maedhros looked up sharply at this.

‘He’s in the Navy and whilst part of me is overjoyed he’s followed in my footsteps. It means he is away from his young family for far too long. They need him and I think he’ll come to regret it, not being around. Stars knows I do. I left Idril to cope with far too much for far too long. Ah! But forgive an old man his ramblings. I am sure you’ll be an excellent father lad, do you know what you’re having yet? Boy or girl?’

‘Um, I-‘ but Maedhros was spared from answering by Maglor and Idril returning. Idril had something in her hands, it was a set of keys.

‘Here,’ she said placing them in Maedhros’ hand, ‘Keys to the flat. You let me know if you need anything else alright? And we’ll see you tomorrow then.’

Suddenly, the real world came crashing in. The bubble of isolation Tuor inhabited, which they’d all stepped into for a few blissful hours where there was no grief and mourning, was effectively popped by the stark fact it was Elwing’s funeral the next day.

Maedhros stood, fingers wrapping tightly around the keys. As lovely as this visit had been, they could not linger much longer if they were to get to Elwing’s flat in time to assess the situation before heading over to Fae and Athenir’s place to meet the twins that evening.

‘We’ll see you tomorrow,’ said Maedhros his tone grimmer than he’d intended, but having just been jolted back into a world without Eärendil or Elwing he thought he’d be forgiven.

‘I almost forgot for a little while,’ said Maglor quietly as they sat in the car whilst Maedhros put Elwing’s address into the sat-nav.

‘Same,’ said Maedhros, ‘It’s like we sidestepped reality for a second there.’

‘Idril’s been dealt a cruel hand, I don’t know how that woman is still standing. Our family is full of the strongest people I swear.’

‘I hope you are including yourself in that Kàno,’ said Maedhros starting the engine and pulling the car out into the road and setting off.

‘Oh, you severely overestimate my capacity for endurance,’ said Maglor shaking his head.

‘I don’t think so,’ said Maedhros, ‘In some ways you are the most patient of us all.’

‘If you say so,’ said Maglor but Maedhros could tell Maglor didn’t believe him. He shrugged and they continued on.

~

To say that Elwing’s flat was unsettling was an understatement. It felt both lived in and abandoned simultaneously.

Two of the hallway ceiling lights needed their bulbs replacing so the light was dim and long shadows were cast on the walls. Behind the obviously new white PVC door there was a mountain of post spewing out into the hallway. Cards and letters mixed in with takeaway flyers and advertisements.

‘Make sure we collect all the post,’ said Maedhros stepping over the pile and into the cramped hallway. There were grimy footprints tracked all over the linoleum flooring, numerous people had come and gone from the flat in the fortnight since Elwing’s death. Maedhros didn’t like to think about all the strangers entering what had been until very recently a family home.

A row of shoes were lined up by the door; women’s boots, trainers and sandals, next to several pairs of smaller children’s footwear. Coats and scarves were hung on a lopsided coat rack. Signs that people might head out any minute or come back to collect something they’d forgotten. Ghosts now.

Maedhros continued down the corridor, noting the storage cupboard and bathroom on the left and two bedrooms on the right. In front was a door to a small kitchen and another door to the living room. The walls were painted white and there were a few pictures and photos on the wall, mainly of ocean views and cliffs, but they didn’t do much to cheer up the poky and very basic council flat.

There was a general musty smell of damp and there was a suspicious odour coming from the kitchen.

‘Let’s get the important documents first, then we can grab stuff for the twins and then after we can clear the kitchen,’ said Maedhros working through a list of prioritisations in his head and heading into the living room.

‘I’ve got what I think are most of the actual letters, and not god-awful spam,’ responded Maglor, shuffling through a pile of envelopes. ‘Several of these are from the council and utility companies.’

‘Great,’ said Maedhros, ‘Let’s create a pile here,’ he cleared some space on the living room table, moving detritus made up of several cups, a packet of crisps, some children’s books and a tea towel to make room.

He gazed around and stopped. The large window in the living room offered a spectacular view of the city and the harbour, but Maedhros wasn’t looking into the distance.

‘Shit, is that-‘Maglor didn’t need to finish the sentence. Is that where she jumped? Was the obvious continuation.

‘I assume so,’ said Maedhros. He walked over, his heart was pounding in his chest, yet his mind was oddly blank.

The top half of the window was able to be opened. Maedhros reached out with his left hand and grasped the handle. It swung open quite easily, but stopped at a point, a metal safety restrictor halting the movement. Maedhros surveyed the gap, he knew from Elwing’s wedding photos that she was a petite woman. He reasoned she could have fit through that space.

He leaned forwards to see how far down. He didn’t need more than a glance to know a fall from this height was fatal.

Maglor cut through the silence, ‘Let’s not dwell. It’s done now. I’ll tackle the storage cupboard; see what’s in there.’

‘Fine,’ responded Maedhros, closing the window and giving it a final glance, ‘I’ll look in the bedroom, there might be documents in there.’

They split up, Maedhros headed into the main bedroom. Elwing wasn’t a tidy person, there were belongings scattered all over the room: a pile of clothes on the bed and floor, with more articles of clothing spilling out from a chest of drawers. There was a vanity table with a large mirror, the surface covered in perfumes, hairbrushes, bobbles and hair clips, hairspray, makeup brushes, palettes and lipstick.

He nimbly made his way around the debris on the floor, feeling very much like he was intruding in a private space.

He was reminded vividly of stepping into his parent’s bedroom nearly five years ago with the similar intention of sorting through his father’s things. His mother had been locked in grief at the time and unable to set foot in the bedroom again. Maedhros had taken it upon himself to go through everything, his father’s suits, shirts and ties, his hair ties, his aftershave, the book he’d been reading just the day before, left spread open on the bedside table next to the glasses he’d  insisted he didn’t need.

Everything had screamed out that their owner was coming back, he’d just stepped out for a moment, just gone to the workshop to tinker with something, he’d be back any second.

Only Fëanor hadn’t come back.

Elwing’s flat was the same, everything was left in her bedroom as if she’d just wandered into the next room. Her handbag was slung over the back of the chair at the vanity. The only thing missing was her phone, the police had taken it for evidence although they’d said Idril could collect it now that they’d ruled the death a suicide.

Maedhros pulled his eyes from the handbag with its white feathered key chain and tried to focus on searching for anything that might contain important documents. He got to his knees and knelt to look under the bed but there wasn’t anything under there but a haphazard pile of shoes, a small suitcase and several stuffed animals. Maedhros guessed it was a place where the twins might have come to hide out.

He stood up and looked around, the only other place was the wardrobe. Stepping over a white dress strewn on the floor, he opened the mirrored door.

Suddenly Maedhros knew why Elwing’s wardrobe of clothes was on her floor. The closet was full of men’s clothes – Eärendil’s clothes.

Opening the door he was struck with the smell of his father, the aftershave he favoured lingering on his clothes, mixed with the warm, earthy smell that was just quintessentially his father. The suits were all neatly ordered, all in deep fiery colours from reds to umbers to oranges, next were the shirts, then the smart jackets and arran sweater vests because Eru forbid Fëanor ever wear anything considered casual.

Dead men had no need for clothes.

Maedhros blinked and was back in the room. Eyes roving he spotted a metal filing box on the top shelf of the wardrobe, likely what he was seeking. He carefully eased it down. A quick glance inside revealed something that looked very much like Eärendil’s death certificate. Maedhros noted the age: thirty two, location given as literal co-ordinates in the Belegaer Ocean, and the cause of death: oxygen deprivation (hypoxia).

He was sitting in the local registry office, in his military uniform because this was the last thing he had to do before his bereavement leave was up and he was scheduled to return to active duty that evening, feeling the looks of the clerks on the back of his neck.

‘Here you are Sir,’ said the registrar, holding out three copies of Fëanor’s death certificate, one for his mother, one for Maglor and another for Curufin, in case any got damaged or were destroyed.

The paper was thick, and the lettering official, the words starkly black on the white paper. His Father’s name, his age: fifty-one, almost half a life still yet to live. It was impossible that he was gone; his soul burned so brightly, his presence so indomitable, Maedhros had thought his father invincible…but no. Cause of death: oxygen deprivation (smoke inhalation).

Maedhros’ knew he shouldn’t be so calm.

He knew he was slipping into a coping mindset. Visiting with Tuor for whom Eärendil was still alive should have been disturbing, the discussion with Idril in the kitchen should have been heartbreaking, seeing the window from which Elwing had jumped and taken her own life should have been distressing, going through the belongings of deceased relatives should have been painful.

 But Maedhros just felt numb to it all.

‘Kàno-‘ he called out.

‘Mmmm?’ responded a muffled voice.

Maedhros wandered back into the hallway, holding the filing box. ‘Kàno, I don’t feel right.’

Maglor looked up from where he’d been kneeling in the storage cupboard, several large plastic tubs of documents next to him. His eyes raked over Maedhros assessing him.

‘Yeah,’ he said after a pause, ‘Yeah I did wonder when you looked out the window, you’ve spaced out a bit haven’t you? Nothing but brutal prioritisation. I should have anticipated this-‘

‘It’s not your fault-‘

‘-Well it’s not yours either,’ Maglor shot back, ‘It’s a fucking awful situation we’ve been put in and you’re carrying so much of it Nelyo. Look, I think between us, we’ve got most of the important stuff. Let’s go to the hotel and nap before we see the kids. They’re the next most important thing.’

‘But the kitchen, the twins’ room-‘

‘I’ll chuck everything out of the fridge and cupboards that’s gone bad,’ said Maglor. ‘We can come back here another day. We don’t have to sort everything today. We got what we came for. You head down to the car and wait for me, I’ll be as quick as I can.’

It was a testament to how out of it Maedhros was that he didn’t protest his brother’s orders. He picked up the metal filing box and leaving the flat he headed back to the car.

In the driver’s seat he leaned his head back against the headrest and tried several of the grounding exercises Cendis had taught him. He worked through them methodically and felt substantially more present when he saw his brother emerge from the tower block of council flats.

Maglor was carrying a black bin bag and balancing three plastic tubs of white papers in the other hand. He threw the waste in the large industrial rubbish bins and returned to the car, settling the boxes on the backseat.

‘Right, it’s done for now. I suggest we get two of the others to help us when we come back to clear the place. Maybe Turko and Moryo? You did say he seems to be growing up so we could ask him. It’s a small flat but there’s so much stuff so we could do with the extra hands -pun intended-‘

Maedhros let out a small huff at that.

‘How are you doing? Really?’ Maglor asked, shifting in the passenger seat to properly look at him.

‘I’m still a bit spacey, but feeling better,’ said Maedhros, ‘You made the right call Kàno. We can head to the hotel, and I’ll take a nap.’

‘You also made the right call,’ said Maglor reaching out to hold Maedhros’ hand, ‘You came to me and told me you weren’t feeling well. You recognised something was wrong. That’s so good. I hope you realise how good that was. You never used to be able to do that.’

‘I suppose you are right,’ sighed Maedhros.

‘I know I am right,’ said Maglor firmly. ‘Now, are you okay to drive? I don’t think the hotel is that far.’

Maedhros was good to drive, and they arrived at the hotel ten minutes later, checked in with their luggage and got settled in the room. There was a decent sized bathroom, two double beds and a small seating area with a window that led onto a balcony. It was large and airy and with a beautiful view of the bay and the ocean-front.

Maedhros watched the waves for a while, the tide had turned since the morning and was retreating, leaving a wide sandy beach behind. Dark bands of seaweed laced across the sand like tiger-stripes. Small figures were dotted on the beach: families, couples, dog-walkers all enjoying the afternoon September sunshine.

‘Come and nap Nelyo.’

Maedhros turned and his brother was lying on one of the beds, patting the bedspread. He toed his shoes off and clambered up onto the bed to join him.

‘We haven’t cuddled in ages,’ said Maglor, ‘Do you want your weighted blanket? I brought it up from the car.’

Maedhros shook his head, ‘I’m alright. Can you set an alarm, so we wake up in time to leave for Fae and Athenir’s?’

‘Way ahead of you,’ reassured Maglor. He reached out and pulled Maedhros close to him, holding him in his arms.

Maedhros felt so much of the tension from the day -the long drive, the visit with Idril and Tuor, the trip to Elwing’s flat- drain out of him like muddy water rushing down a sink plughole. His breathing eased, his mind calmed and he settled against his brother.

Maglor pressed a kiss to his hair, ‘Sleep Nelyo, you’re safe’ and it was incredible how quickly those words took effect and Maedhros fell asleep almost instantly.

~

The blaring of a phone alarm jolted him from slumber.

Maedhros groaned and blinked blurry eyes open.

‘Fuck me, there’s no way that was forty minutes,’ grumbled Maglor from behind him.

‘What time is it?’ Maedhros asked, yawning and turning over to face his brother.

‘Four. We’re expected at dinner for five, so we’ve got time to get ready. Did you sleep well?’

‘Out for the count.’

‘You needed it. Do you feel any better?’

Maedhros considered, he didn’t feel as numb as he had before, instead he felt heavy. He supposed that was better than disassociating from the emotions, having them settle in his chest was not pleasant but he could hold them there for a while at least. ‘Somewhat. I think there’s a lot of grief I need to process. Stuff around Atar’s passing too, it’s all been dredged up.’

‘You gonna be okay for the funeral tomorrow?’ asked Maglor his brow creasing in concern.

‘I’m going to have to be,’ said Maedhros with a sigh. Maglor’s frown intensified. Keen to avoid any further discussion of this and what would no doubt be protests from his brother on shouldering the load, he changed the subject. ‘Will you do my hair?’

Maglor was stopped in his tracks, his mouth comically open from a sentence he’d been about to utter but had been forced to change tack, ‘O-of course, but don’t think I don’t know what you are doing, trying to distract me from making an important point.’

‘We’ve got kid-cousins to meet, let’s focus on them for now Kàno, please?’ Maedhros sat up and began trying to detangle his hair with his fingers.

‘Ugh, fine, let me get a brush before you tangle it even more.’

Maedhros sat patiently on the edge of the bed whilst Maglor knelt behind him and did his hair. The motion of the brush working through his hair was soothing and Maglor was thorough to get all the knots out. It wouldn’t be Maglor if the style didn’t have some embellishment, but the final effect was very nice, with several smaller plaits coming together into a longer braid in a half-up, half-down look. Maglor teased a few of the front strands around his temples with delicate fingers to soften up the look.

‘There, as handsome as ever,’ pronounced his brother, hopping down from the bed and moving to the mirror to start on styling his own longer locks. ‘And don’t protest, you are the most beautiful of us all and are by far the nicest and kindest. Why you haven’t found a man yet I don’t know, anyone would be lucky to have you.’

Maedhros blushed, protesting ‘Kàno.’

Finding a partner was so far down the list of his priorities and had been for so long, it was the last thing on his mind when he put effort into looking presentable. His relationship to his body was so altered now since his injury, his recovery so lengthy and complex- combing through his mind and working so hard to change thought patterns he’d held his entire life- romance just wasn’t something he considered at the moment or even in the future. He didn’t like to think about the future too much as that was a one-way ticket to spiralling down a maze of what-ifs that wasn’t helpful to him or anyone else.

Besides given the trajectory his life was now on, becoming a caregiver to two small children, romance was not rapidly climbing the list of goals for himself anytime soon in the next decade or more.

But Maglor only grinned at him from the mirror his fingers working quickly to braid the strands of his dark hair together, several bobbles on his wrist which he levered off with his teeth to secure the ends. He turned his head to the side to better see the effect and after messing with a few strands here and there he finally seemed satisfied.

‘Right?’ he announced, ‘Ready to go meet them? Excited? Scared shitless?’

‘All of the above,’ surmised Maedhros with a smile.

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

Fae and Athenir’s house was a semi-detached property on a quiet cul-de-sac, in one of the leafy suburbs of the city. The ever-present Sirion slate roof and whitewash exterior met them as they walked up the driveway and rang the doorbell.

Maglor reached out and squeezed Maedhros’ shoulder briefly as they saw a figure approaching the other side of the door. It was Athenir.

‘Hello!’ he greeted warmly, holding out his hand to shake. Maglor as usual stepped in first and shook hands, Maedhros simply held up his stump, peeking out from under his jacket and waved his left hand instead.

‘Oh gosh, I’m sorry, right you are. Hello nice to meet you Maglor, Maedhros,’ said Athenir, clearly flustered. He had on jeans and a navy-blue sweater vest. His short grey hair was tufted as if he’d run his hands through it many times.

‘Don’t worry, it happens all the time,’ said Maedhros with practiced ease.

‘Well, come on in you two, welcome, welcome! Yes just leave your shoes there and hang your coats up- Aaah!’ and Athenir who had been walking backwards nearly tripped over a football that had been lying in the hallway. ‘Oh Eru, I swear I don’t know how many boys we foster there is always a football lying around waiting to take me out,’ he laughed loudly.

‘In our house it was always the dog,’ said Maglor laughing too, ‘Our Atar got so annoyed once he sent the dog out to sleep in the kennel then of course our brother went and slept out there too, so our Ammë had to intervene at that point.’

Athenir laughed even more, ‘Oh goodness that does sound like a lot of fun, well come on in, dinner is in the oven we’ll eat in about half an hour, come through, would you like a cup of tea? The boys are upstairs, I’ll call them down in a minute.’

Maglor followed the other man happily, rattling off his beverage preferences and asking what was for dinner whilst Maedhros lingered in the hallway. His attention caught by two pairs of eyes peeking down at him through the landing balustrade at the top of the stairs.

‘Hello,’ he said in greeting.

There was a little shriek, and the eyes disappeared followed by furious whispering although Maedhros could make out the words, ‘No, you say hi.’

He waited patiently and sure enough two bright faces returned, peering around the banister.

‘Are you our cousin?’ Maedhros wasn’t sure yet which one of the twins was which, but he answered the one who’d asked the question.

‘Yes, my name is Maedhros, what’s your name?’

‘I’m Elros,’ said the little boy, ‘And that’s Elrond.’

‘Very nice to meet you Elros and Elrond,’ said Maedhros with a smile. ‘Would you like to come downstairs? We’ve got some time to hang out and play before dinner I think.’

The twins looked at each other, unsure. They were dressed the same which added to the mirror-image effect. Both had on light blue jeans and blue hoodie jackets over white t-shirts. On closer inspection the toggles from Elrond’s hoodie appeared to have been chewed and the sleeves were baggier. They wore no socks and were barefoot on the carpeted stairs.

Maedhros decided it was time for his secret weapon, ‘We brought presents for you,’ he said, gesturing to the bag of gifts Maglor had deposited by the shoe rack.

‘Presents?’ Elros’ eyes had lit up, Maedhros smiled up at him and just waited at the bottom of the stairs, letting the boys decide whether they wanted to come down. Sure enough curiosity overcame them, and they shuffled down the stairs, Elrond holding Elros’ hand, looking more nervous than his brother.

They were so alike it was uncanny. Even Ambarussa had had slightly different hair tones so once you got your eye-in you could make them out, but Elros and Elrond were complete doubles of each other. They had dark hair -taking after their Ammë- to their shoulders, mostly straight except for a slight flick at the ends, the strands were sleek and well cared for but not in any style, just loose. Their skin was pale, almost as pale as Maedhros’ but they didn’t have freckles and he suspected they may tan like Eärendil did in the sun, rather than he who just burned. In the light from the hallway he could see their eyes were grey and wide and were gazing up at him in awe – at least, he hoped.

‘You’re really tall,’ announced Elros, now on the bottom step and having to crane his neck to look up at Maedhros.

‘I am,’ replied Maedhros, ‘I’m the tallest in my family.’

‘You only have one hand,’ it was Elrond, and he stared eyes wide at Maedhros’ stump from where it could be seen under the rolled-up arm of Maedhros’ cardigan.

‘Wait,’ said Maedhros, ‘I do?!’ he looked down at his stump in mock horror, ‘Oh no! Where did my hand go?’

Elros laughed, ‘Where did it go?!’

‘Oh my goodness I’ve lost my hand!’ cried Maedhros, spinning on the spot as if looking everywhere for his hand. At this, both the little boys laughed, and it was a sound that eased Maedhros’ heart in ways that years of therapy hadn’t yet so far healed. The feeling of nervousness in his chest eased, he was good at this, he reminded himself. He was good with children.

‘Did a crocodile eat it?’ asked Elros.

‘Oh no, it was much bigger than a crocodile,’ said Maedhros in pretend seriousness, kneeling down and holding out his arm so the children could better see his stump, the neat end to his forearm where the pale skin and freckles gave way to pink, the skin bunched up a little from where he’d had it amputated. He found that most people had a curiosity, children more so, and he welcomed it. He didn’t want them to be scared of asking questions, or to be scared of him and his stump.

They leaned in close to see his arm, and Maedhros continued his tale, ‘It was a dragon’, he whispered conspiratorially.

‘A dragon?’ Elrond breathed, looking into his face with eyes as wide as saucers.

‘Yes,’ said Maedhros, ‘He swooped down and chomped my hand clean off then flew away with it.’

‘Really?!’ cried Elros with delight.

‘Dragons aren’t real though,’ said Elrond with a small frown, looking into Maedhros’ face.

‘No, but it’s a much more exciting story than the truth,’ said Maedhros with a smile. ‘I’ll tell you the full story another time, how about that?’

Elrond nodded.

Even in the short time of conversing, Maedhros felt from now on he’d always be able to tell which twin was which, despite them being identical. Elros’ energy was overflowing, his eyes bright his little body almost thrumming with the need to be moving. Maedhros was reminded, funnily enough of a young Celegorm, his brother burning with a need to explore and adventure. Although, Elros was bound to his twin in a way it was obvious to see, through his hand-holding and near constant glances and check-ins to his brother, and Turko had always been so fiercely and wildly independent.

Elrond, in contrast, held his energy back yet his more reserved nature meant that when he gave you his focus it felt important. Maedhros found it evoked a similar feeling that Amras did, who was also the quieter of his own twin brothers, and who Maedhros had a deeper connection with out of all his brothers save only Maglor.

But beyond a recognition of familiarity Maedhros didn’t dwell, he was keen beyond words to get to know the children better, as their own people, on their own terms. They were still so young and had so much more of their personalities to develop. He’d consider it an honour to care for them and hopefully guide them in their futures.

‘Now, how about a fist bump?’ asked Maedhros, offering his stump out. And he was pleased when each of them pressed a curled fist against him in greeting.

‘Right, we better go and find my brother, he’s so excited to meet you,’ said Maedhros unfurling his long legs and standing up. ‘Can one of you strong boys get the bag of presents and bring it through?’

‘I’ll do it!’ yelled Elros and he launched himself off the bottom step and scooped up the bag, shouting for Athenir as he made his way down the corridor to the kitchen.

‘Coming Elrond?’ asked Maedhros, holding out his left hand.

‘Yes,’ said Elrond, and with only a small pause of hesitation he took Maedhros’ hand.

The feeling of a small palm slotting into his was like a key clicking into a lock. It felt so very right. Maedhros’ breath caught in his throat. His eyes pricked and he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved this little boy. That he would do anything for him, that he would care and protect him for the rest of his life.

It was such a strong and powerful feeling it took him a second to get his legs to work to move down the hallway.

Elrond seemed oblivious to the sudden realisation which had struck Maedhros dumb. Unknowing as of yet to fact that he now had someone in his life who was going to love him so dearly, so deeply and so fiercely forever.

‘WE’VE GOT PRESENTS!’ Elros shouted, barging into the kitchen and disrupting all thought and conversation.

‘You have?!’ Maglor cried, setting down his cup of tea and responding to Elros in delight, ‘By the stars, who got you those?!’

‘You did!’

‘Oh alright it was me! I got one of them and Maedhros got the other one, get them out of the bag then, let’s see!’

Maedhros came into the kitchen with Elrond, and Fae waved hello, ‘Ah, I see you’ve all met then,’ she said with a welcoming smile. Her blonde hair was clipped out of her face, revealing ears studded with multiple piercings. She held the kettle and gestured to Maedhros, ‘Tea?’

‘We have,’ said Maedhros, ‘And anything decaf please.’  He tugged on his arm slightly encouraging Elrond to come around his legs so he could observe the wrapped gifts Elros was wrestling out of the bag with gusto.

‘Maedhros said he lost his hand to a dragon,’ said Elrond, looking between Maglor and Maedhros very earnestly.

‘I thought it was pirates?’ said Maglor with a grin.

Elrond rolled his eyes, ‘It can’t both be dragons and pirates,’ he said.

‘Why not?’ questioned Maglor, whilst he also reached down to help Elros who’d got one of the corners of the presents stuck on the plastic bag. ‘Dragons and pirates are very good friends, they can both be in the business of stealing hands.’

Elrond looked up at Maedhros, ‘Do we need to rescue your hand and get it back?’ he asked, looking once more at the stump.

‘Ah, no,’ said Maedhros thinking he and his brother may have slightly boxed themselves into a corner here, ‘No my hand is gone for good, it’s not coming back. But it’s okay, I can do most things with my left hand.’

‘We’re left-handed,’ said Elrond, ‘Naneth was too,’

‘Brilliant,’ said Maedhros lightly, ‘We can do lots of left-handed things together.’ But he didn’t miss the way Elrond’s grey eyes began to look glassy as he was reminded of his Ammë.

Neither did Fae as she quickly said, ‘Oh look at that present Elrond, do you want to unwrap it?’

The distraction worked, primarily because Elros’ excitement was infectious, he was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet in barely concealed glee. Both of the gifts were now out of the bag, one wrapped in blue, one wrapped in green.

‘Blue is my favourite colour!’ Elros was delighted and began ripping the paper as fast as he could.

Elrond was more reserved, but he let go of Maedhros’ hand - Maedhros tried to not mourn the loss too hard, there’d be hopefully endless future opportunities- and tore at the paper of his gift to reveal a boxed game called Huddle Up which had penguins on the front. Elros’ present was revealed to be another game called Hungry Hippos.

‘Can we play this now?!’ yelled Elros excitedly, clutching the box to his chest tightly as if it were his most prized possession.

‘We can play one of the games now,’ said Athenir, ‘And then it’ll be time for dinner alright? Which once do you boys want?’

Surprise crossed Maedhros face, Athenir’s just going to ask them? That’s a recipe for disaster. But he was proved wrong when Elrond seemed to be happy to go with whatever Elros wanted. Maedhros caught Maglor’s eye and knew they must be thinking the same thing.

Our brothers were not like this.

Maedhros’ mind swam with visions of various games being banned from their household because they nearly always ended in upset. With an Atar so competitive, and often not one to step in until things had escalated, boards, tables and tempers were flipped frequently.

Seeing Elrond acquiesce so quickly was… interesting. In all his family, Maedhros had been the most natural peacemaker, and even though some of the brood had mellowed (Maglor) and were in the process of mellowing (Caranthir), none of them would have dreamed of giving up their preference so easily and without hesitation. Even -and maybe especially because of -being the youngest Ambarussa would argue loudly and determinedly for their own preferences and amongst seven brothers it was very much every man for himself unless Maedhros or their Atar stepped in.

Elrond’s natural inclination certainly avoided arguments, but in the future Maedhros wanted to avoid his young cousin getting steamrollered by his more boisterous and outgoing twin. For now though they took the hungry hippos game out of the box and set it up on the dining table. It needed four players, so Maedhros and Maglor took a hippo each, as did Elrond and Elros. Fae and Athenir left them too it for a while, retreating to the living room for a spell.

Chaos ensued.

Maedhros deliberately went slow and easy, but Maglor was try-harding and going head-to-head with Elros for the most balls eaten with his hippo.

‘You going to give us a chance Kàno?’ he asked with a grin, ‘We don’t all have honed motor skills like you do.’

‘Yes because button smashing is a skill,’ snorted Maglor, ‘You picked a strategy game! I picked the one that requires no skill just brute force.’ However, whilst he was distracted Elrond’s hippo shot out and stole a mouthful of balls from Maglor’s hippo which had its mouth wide open.

‘Hey!’ cried Maglor and Elrond laughed.

‘Excellent Elrond,’ praised Maedhros, ‘My brother needs taking down a peg or two.’

‘What does that mean?’ asked Elros, his face scrunching in confusion.

‘It means we need to team up against him and beat him,’ said Maedhros. Bickering broke out between him and Maglor, they went back and forth trading mild insults, no heat in their words. It had been so long since Maedhros had felt this light-hearted to tease and be teased in return. He could feel a wide smile coming over his face.

He felt the gazes of Elros and Elrond on them. Maedhros, suddenly self-conscious, stopped and turned to them in concern, ‘Everything okay?’

There was a pause then- ‘I think you’re wonderful,’ said Elros his eyes gleaming.

Maglor threw his head back and laughed as Maedhros felt his heart melt. Well that’s certainly one response to our normal family method of communication. He couldn’t deny the boost to his self-esteem Elros’ words had and he yearned for more of it, to have the adoration and love of a child was the best blessing in the world.

I will strive my utmost to be worthy of your admiration he committed to himself and to Elros and Elrond.

Game forgotten for the moment, Elrond spoke, ‘Athenir said we’re gonna go and live with you,’ his voice wavered a little, it wasn’t fully a question, but Maedhros could feel his cousin’s need for reassurance. Elrond’s hands had retracted into the sleeves of his blue hoodie jacket, and he was fiddling with the material.

‘Yes we’d like you to come and live with us very much,’ he said, ‘We’ve got a nice house with lots of room and a big garden to play in. We’d like to look after you until you are all grown up.’ He watched Elrond’s face as the little boy took in his words, Elrond nodded. He’d must have answered what it was Elrond was seeking. Maedhros could have said more, wanted to say more about how he wanted the twins to join their family, how he already considered them family, but he was hesitant as to how his cousins would take it.

With their Ammë so recently gone, they must be so confused as to what family now looks like. He made a note to bring it up with Rehta and seek guidance from the twin’s therapist on how to discuss family and future plans with them sensitively.

‘Will I be able to play football in the garden?’ asked Elros looking between them both.

Maglor answered, ‘Of course you can, and we can get a trampoline and a swing and-‘

‘Well let’s see how much we can fit in the garden first,’ interrupted Maedhros, keen that Maglor didn’t promise the earth to the twins. But he could understand, the way they were looking at them expectantly, he’d move mountains for them.

Dinner was then ready, and they packed away the game. Athenir shrugged off any attempt from Maedhros and Maglor to help out; he and Fae bustled around the kitchen setting out the cutlery and plates and then everyone was getting a jacket potato, and a range of fillings were available in the middle of the table. Maedhros didn’t miss the way Elrond’s eyes watched the food like a hawk, assessing everything, nor the murmured reassurance from Athenir that all the food was safe to eat. Maglor, who was sitting next to Elrond offered to help him cut his potato and pass him the fillings.

Once they were all seated, Fae and Athenir held out hands for grace, and Maedhros felt a wrench of… guilt? He wasn’t altogether sure, but there was something in his stomach as he thought about the traditions that had been lost in his family along the way. If the twins were used to grace he and Maglor could continue and restart the ritual of thanks for the food.

When they were tucking into the food, Athenir set down a sheet of paper on the table and declared that the twins had come up with a list of questions for them.

As they ate, Maedhros found himself subjected to the most bizarre and delightful interview he’d ever had. The questions had absolutely no theme or common thread, they really were whatever had come into the heads of these six-year olds.

He and his brother were asked their favourite foods, had they ever been to Sirion aquarium, would they like to live on the moon or on Mars, would they rather be a football or a tennis ball and who their favourite character in a particular children’s tv show was.

‘I confess I haven’t seen that show,’ said Maedhros. This grilling by his cousins he felt was the real test, forget the Foster Carer Panel Interview, this was tough.

Athenir gave him a look across the table, ‘Oh I’d start getting familiar now,’ he said a cheshire-cat grin spreading across his face, ‘Because it’s all you’re gonna hear about for the next few years. The hold Zara and the Zoomies has on six-to-eight year olds is astonishing. I think they beam hypnosis through the screen.’

 Maedhros made a note to google the show when they got back to the hotel and also, “is hypnosis possible via tv?”

All in all, despite the bombardment of questions, it was a fascinating conversation and Maedhros could see the twins becoming more and more at ease with them over the course of the meal, especially Elrond who seemed pleased that both Maedhros and Maglor liked mango and intrigued that they’d been on a plane.

‘Well Nelyo’s been on loads of planes and helicopters as well,’ said Maglor, ‘He’s been all over the world.’

‘Well I wouldn’t say all over,-‘

‘That’s so cool!’ Elros apparently didn’t think there was anything cooler than a helicopter. ‘Can you fly a helicopter?’

‘No, I was just a passenger,’ replied Maedhros, sorry he had to disappoint his cousin. ‘But I did jump out of a few,’ and this more than made up for the fact; Elros’ eyes looked like they might pop out of his head.

After dinner and the list of questions exhausted, Fae and Athenir suggested Elrond and Elros show Maedhros and Maglor to the living room to play before bedtime. Maedhros thoroughly appreciated how much time they were being given with the twins. It felt like all the earlier trials of the day were worth it for the time they got to spend together, this genesis of a new family.

In the living room, which was a warm and inviting space with plants surrounding a decorative fireplace and bright prints on the walls, Elros dragged Maedhros over to sit on the floor by the coffee table and pulled out a tray of paper and colouring pens.

‘I drew you a picture,’ he said brandishing a piece of paper at Maedhros. Maedhros took it and thought he would treasure this for all his days to come. It can be our first piece of artwork pinned to the fridge.

However, it wasn’t a particularly legible drawing, so he asked Elros to tell him what the drawing was of.

‘It’s us and we’re in a cement-truck at the football stadium.’

‘Oh right,’ said Maedhros, trying to sound like this was a common occurrence. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Maglor trying and failing to suppress a grin. ‘Can I ask why we are in a cement truck at the football stadium?’

‘Because the stadium has holes in it!’ said Elros as if this was obvious, ‘And we need to fill it.’

‘Yeah Nelyo, we need to fill the holes in the stadium,’ said Maglor teasing, but then- ‘Oh sorry Elrond, what is it?’

Elrond appeared to be holding a book and wanted Maglor to read it with him. ‘Of course!’ said Maglor delighted, ‘Why don’t you sit up on the sofa with me and we can read it together?’ The two of them got settled on the wide sofa, Elrond next to Maglor who started to read from the book in his wonderfully calming voice. He’s got a knack for it, thought Maedhros.

Maedhros’ attention was pulled back to Elros by his cousin waving the drawing and pointing, ‘Maedhros? See? This is the football pitch and it’s got holes in it.’

‘You are right,’ said Maedhros, giving Elros his full attention, ‘It’s a good thing we are in the cement-truck then. It’s a brilliant drawing Elros, are you sure I can keep this?’

‘Yes!’ said Elros, ‘I’m going to draw another one of you in a helicopter. What are you going to draw?’

‘That’s a very good question,’ said Maedhros, buying himself some more time as he watched Elros shove a piece of paper towards him on the table and also a red pen. ‘Maybe I will draw something simple.’

‘Like a dog?’

‘Dogs are hard, are you kidding?’ laughed Maedhros, ‘Cats are way easier.’ He took the red pen in his left hand, using his stump to hold the cap down against the table and to release the felt-tip. He held the pen above the paper, poised. He’d worked hard on his writing since he’d lost his dominant hand, but he still was no-where near as good as he had been, and he hadn’t been all that good at drawing to begin with.

‘I love cats!’ said Elros excitedly, ‘Do you have a cat?’

‘No we don’t have a cat,’ said Maedhros, concentrating on drawing a circle for the cat’s head. It was a bit lopsided but not too bad. He added two triangles for ears.

‘If we come and live with you can we get a cat?’

It was dangerous this love that he felt towards the twins. So dangerous, he had to say no, but he hated that he did.

You can’t promise a cat to him. You don’t even know if everything will be finalised yet. You can’t let him down. And besides, you can’t just get a cat!

‘I don’t think so Elros, I’m sorry. It’s a lot to take on having a cat. Our neighbours have a cat, she sometimes comes over, you can pet her when she does.’

Elros pouted but he also looked resigned to accepting Maedhros’ answer.

‘Do you like my helicopter?’ he asked. Maedhros looked over, noting how the helicopter looked remarkably similar to Elros’ drawing of a cement truck.

‘I think it looks amazing,’ he said meaning every word.

Elros preened happily and rootled around in the tray for another colour pen, ‘Here you go,’ he said holding out an orange pen. Maedhros took it and realised after the fact that Elros had taken the cap off for him. His cousin - now back to colouring in his helicopter in grey felt-tip- had seen that Maedhros whilst able to take the cap off the red pen, had had to adapt, and of his own volition had helped him out, unprompted.

I do not deserve you thought Maedhros. Don’t cry you idiot, don’t cry.

He sat in silence for a while, concentrating on his cat and trying to not get overcome with emotion at the simple fact that his cousin was more understanding and generous than many of the adults in Maedhros’ life. I didn’t even ask, he just did it like it was no big deal. And it’s not a big deal, but it’s also the biggest deal.

Elros was also quiet for a little bit, absorbed in his drawing.  There was just the background sound of Maglor reading and Elrond turning the page of the book across the other side of the living room.

Maedhros watched his face; a little furrow between the brow in concentration, his tongue peeking out between his teeth as he ran the pen over the paper. There were occasional flicks of annoyance at his hair which fell forward and obscured his view every time he ducked his head to colour the picture.

Their Ammë and Atar used to do their hair thought Maedhros. He’d seen photos of them with braids from what Idril had sent over. He knew it wasn’t as common down here in the south for men to have longer hair but all the men in their extended family did, and that included Eärendil who’d had shoulder-length hair as a child and teen before he’d joined the Navy. Tuor didn’t have long hair, but Idril had clearly kept the family tradition from her side alive and well.

If they’re happy to we’ll get them in Finwëan braids when they live with us. Their hair seems similar to Kàno’s, Moryo’s and Curvo’s at least in colour if not texture.

Maedhros continued to work on his cat for a bit more and was fairly pleased with the outcome. The whiskers were very wobbly, but he thought it was recognisable as a cat at least, a fat ginger one with stripes.

Elros finished his picture too and was growing restless. ‘Do you want to play something else?’ asked Maedhros.

‘I want to play dinosaur rescue!’ he declared.

Maedhros looked to Maglor who seemed to be on the last few pages of the book with Elrond.

‘That sounds fantastic,’ he replied to Elros, ‘Why don’t you ask Maglor to play with you and I’ll see what Elrond wants to do once they’ve finished reading?’

‘Okay!’ said Elros, he then cocked his head at Maedhros, ‘Fae said you were twin brothers, but you don’t look the same, you have red hair.’

‘Oh!’ said Maedhros, ‘I think Fae meant to say we have twin brothers, they’re younger than me and Maglor and they look almost the same. They both have red hair like me.’

‘Really?’ Elros was looking at Maedhros’ hair in wonder, ‘Can I touch your hair?’

‘Yes you can, thanks for asking,’ said Maedhros. Elros shuffled forwards on his knees and reached out for the section of hair which came down Maedhros’ front, over the ochre cardigan he was wearing today. He felt small fingers run through the lengths, very gently for a few strokes then Elros withdrew.

‘Adar had long hair like you and Maglor when he was little,’ said Elros.

‘He did,’ confirmed Maedhros. He watched Elros’ face carefully, cautious on how to proceed on the topic of his deceased father. There was a flicker of something, only a moment where Elros’ eyes dulled, but it was gone in a flash as Maglor was talking louder now, Elrond’s book finished.

Maglor was dragged over to a corner of the room to a box of dinosaur toys to play with Elros.

Maedhros turned to Elrond who was still sat on the sofa with his book.

‘What would you like to do Elrond?’ he asked.

Elrond looked hesitant, and he looked to his brother but Elros was absorbed in the task of setting up all his dinosaurs and giving instructions to Maglor.

‘Elros is playing dinosaurs,’ he said.

‘He is,’ replied Maedhros, ‘But what would you like to do Elrond?’

Elrond’s hands retreated into his hoodie sleeves again and he looked away from Maedhros.

‘Would you like me to read to you?’

There was a pause, then a nod.

Maedhros stood up and came to sit next to the little boy on the sofa. ‘Shall we read this book again or a different one?’

‘This one again please,’ said Elrond, handing the book to Maedhros. It was called “The Snail with the Right Heart.”

Maedhros opened the book to reveal wonderful illustrations, and he began to read to Elrond the story of Jeremy a rare left-shelled snail and the search to find him a mate. It was a beautiful book and a lovely story about differences and similarities in the world and how being unique is very special.

They didn’t have books like this when I was a kid. This might have actually helped me understand a few things better thought Maedhros. Ah well, that’s what therapy is for I guess.

Elrond was quiet for most of the time Maedhros was reading the book, he kept glancing at his cousin to see whether he was still focused on the story but Elrond was, and turned the pages when it got to the right point.

As they came to the last page, Maedhros spared a glance at his brother. Maglor and Elros were fully engaged in a complex scene playing out about dinosaurs and how they had to defend their eggs against a vicious little lego man who wanted to put them in a zoo.

The time was nearing six-forty five and Maedhros knew bedtime for the twins was seven.

‘It’s been really nice to meet you today,’ he said to Elrond, ‘Thank you for playing with us and letting us read to you, I had a wonderful time.’

Elrond was quiet, he held the book in his hands setting it down on his lap and looking ahead. He said something so quietly that Maedhros nearly missed it.

‘Do you really want us to come and live with you?’

‘Yes we do,’ said Maedhros as gently but firmly as he could manage, ‘We really want you to come and live with us and be part of our family.’

‘We don’t have a family anymore,’ whispered Elrond.

‘Your Adar and Naneth aren’t here to look after you anymore,’ corrected Maedhros, ‘But we are still your family, we’re cousins! And we want to look after you.’

Maedhros really had to strain to hear Elrond’s next words, ‘You won’t want us because we cry too much.’

‘Oh Elrond,’ said Maedhros and he felt like his heart might break, this little boy was carrying too much grief for one so small. Maedhros could barely carry his own grief sometimes, how was Elrond supposed to?

‘You don’t cry too much, there’s no such thing. It’s normal to cry when you’re sad, and it’s a really sad time right now, and that’s okay. I cry a lot when I’m sad too. If you cry when you live with us all we want to do is give you hugs and love and make you feel better. Nothing will stop us from wanting you to live with us. There’s nothing you can do to stop us wanting that.’

Elrond didn’t look at him and Maedhros wished he would, he could see tears falling down his little red cheeks.

‘Can I give you a hug?’ he asked.

Elrond shook his head. ‘Okay,’ said Maedhros, ‘I will just sit here with you, would you like a tissue?’ he pulled some tissues from a box on the coffee table and handed them to Elrond. The little boy took them and blew his nose quietly.

Maedhros desperately wished he could bundle Elrond up in his arms and soothe him. He’d done that with all his brothers growing up, but he respected Elrond’s wishes and didn’t hug him, instead he just sat with him, handing him tissues.

I wish I could take away your hurts. I wish I could bring back Eärendil and Elwing. I wish I could hold you and tell you it’s all going to be okay.

It is going to be okay. It might not feel like it now, but I love you and your brother so much. There will be happier days ahead, I promise you.

‘Can you take some deep breaths with me?’ asked Maedhros, ‘I find that helps me when I feel really upset. Wanna hold my hand?’

Again, that small warm hand slipped into his, dwarfed by Maedhros’ large palm. Maedhros wrapped his hand up and held it securely, counting out a number of deep breaths, and watching as Elrond followed along as best he could.

‘We will always be here for you Elrond,’ he promised, ‘Always. We love you.’

Elrond looked so little, his back against the cushions, feet dangling off the edge of the sofa. He was so vulnerable, fate deciding to orphan him and Elros. The final approval from the Foster Care Panel can’t come soon enough thought Maedhros. You both belong with us, I would give the world to ease your hurts right now. You are not alone, you won’t ever be alone again.

Slowly but surely the tears subsided, and the sniffles ceased. Maedhros efficiently and with no fuss collected all the used tissues and put them in the bin in the corner of the living room.

Elros and Maglor were reaching the climax of their game which seemed to involve a lot of noisy roaring and siren noises as the dinosaurs were making a break from the zoo-jail. Elros called out to Maedhros as he passed, showing him a flying diplodocus. ’Look! Maedhros! Maedhros! The dinosaurs are escaping!’

‘Wow!’ Maedhros exclaimed, ‘Can we join for the final battle? Elrond, you wanna come join?’

Elrond hesitated, but Elros was up and running to his side in moments, asking if he was okay. The care he showed his brother was heartwarming. Elros led his twin by the hand over to the dinosaur pile and handed him the triceratops and they were soon immersed in the game. Before long, all of Maglor’s lego zoo officers were flattened as the dinosaurs, led by Elros and backed up by Maedhros and Elrond charged in a stampede from the zoo.

It was in this boisterousness that Fae came to interrupt them that it was time for Maedhros and Maglor to leave and bedtime for Elros and Elrond.

Maedhros suppose he should feel touched that Elros kicked up a fair bit of fuss at this, trying to negotiate for more time, but he instead started to feel his stomach sinking like lead. Especially when Fae said, ‘You’ll see them tomorrow Elros, at the funeral.’

It was their Ammë’s funeral tomorrow, something no six-year-old should have to experience.

‘We will be with you to say goodbye to your Naneth,’ he said, striving for a calm tone but worrying it came out as too grave.

Elrond crumpled and ran from the room, running past Athenir’s legs as the older man stood in the doorway. ‘I’ll go after him,’ said Athenir, ‘It’s been a really nice evening, thanks so much for coming Maedhros, Maglor. I just wish it were in better circumstances. I’ll see you tomorrow, I’d better go, he’ll be in their room.’ He left to go see to Elrond.

Fae spoke then, ‘It really has been a wonderful evening, bedtimes are always a little tricky. It’s harder to be distracted from the sadness at night.’

Elros was also starting to cry and he was whining to Fae that he didn’t want Maedhros and Maglor to go.

‘Elros, can you say goodbye please? You’ll see them tomorrow. And we can video call your cousins next week as well. It’s not forever poppet.’

But Maedhros could tell Elros was getting past the point of being able to think clearly. His little body was clearly struggling to contain all the big emotions; his face was red and his breathing was fast and laboured. Fae picked him up to cuddle him, offering soothing words.

‘We can see ourselves out,’ Maedhros said, ‘Thanks so much for having us, it’s been the best time. We’ll see you tomorrow.’

Maglor echoed the sentiments, even stretching out a hand to gently ruffle Elros’ hair, ‘No! don’t go! Don’t go!’ wailed Elros, in floods of tears now.

It took every ounce of willpower Maedhros had to walk out of the living room, put on his shoes and jacket and leave the house. He didn’t dare look back to see if Maglor was following. He just beelined straight for the car.

Once inside he rested his head against the steering wheel.

The passenger door opened and Maglor sat down beside him heavily.

‘Fucking hell. I cant- I don’t want- I- fuck!’ Maglor pounded the dashboard. ‘Nelyo, how do we just leave them here?! How do we do the funeral tomorrow and then drive back to Amon Ereb and leave them here? Nothing against Fae and Athenir, but they belong with us. With us Nelyo.’

Maedhros slowly looked up from the wheel, gazing off into the middle distance, down the dark street, lit by the soft glow of the street lamps. ‘I-‘ he croaked, voice thick with emotion, ‘I don’t know Kàno. It’s seven weeks, seven more weeks and then if it’s all approved they can come home with us.’

‘Seven fucking weeks?! Eru! I don’t know if I can wait that long!’ Maglor let out a despairing laugh, ‘I just had the best evening of my entire life. They’re amazing kids, so bright, so fun! I know they’re our cousins but they’re so like our family it’s unreal. I feel like I know them already! I love them Nelyo. I only just met them, and I love them.’

‘Welcome to parenthood,’ Maedhros smiled wryly, looking over at Maglor, face shining with wonder.

‘Brother you say that, I genuinely think I just became a Dad this evening. Oh my god. I’d do anything for them.’

‘Same,’ echoed Maedhros, ‘Same. And it’s seven weeks Kàno. We can use that time, get everything ready for them. They’re going to need so much support, as are we. And then, when it’s all approved, we’ll be ready, they can come home with us, and we can be a family.’

‘I like that,’ said Maglor, ‘Family. Yeah, we’re gonna be a family.’

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

He was on the outskirts of the city, encamped in a derelict farmhouse. His Lieutenant’s platoon was patrolling outside, whilst he and his Captain sat in a frigid and defunct kitchen, listening in on the radio comms. They were waiting for updates on the remainder of Maedhros’ artillery squadron which was somewhere enroute to them.

It was Winter, temperatures were biting, and the wind was picking up. It whipped the light layer of snow into the air, causing visibility to drop to almost nothing as it whitened out the view. To the North, only the hollowed shells of what had once been high rise buildings in the city could be seen, to the South, only the tops of the trees in the dense coniferous forest could be made out.

Maedhros put his goggles on.

There was chatter on the comms, but nothing intelligible, the signal was coming in and out. They were only getting one in every five words.

‘Is it the snow?’ he asked through the scarf covering his mouth.

Captain Methoril  shook her head, ‘Something’s interfering with the signal. I can’t make out the orders Major.’

Maedhros gritted his teeth. The spot they were in was plausibly defensible for now, but without intel on where the rest of his squadron was, it wasn’t an ideal situation.

‘We sit tight and wait until they get here or a clear instruction from Central Command,’ he told her, ‘I’ll do a perimeter check with the Lieutenant.’

Captain Methoril  nodded and put the headphones back on her head to try and interpret the messages coming through the comms.

Maedhros left the kitchen with its peeling wallpaper and cracked tiles. It would have been a happy place once he supposed. No longer.

Maedhros approached the Lieutenant, ‘All clear?’ he asked.

They nodded, ‘We’re clear for now Sir, but the fucking snow is making things a nuisance.’

‘Switch to infrared,’ Maedhros said, ‘Anyone should stand out for a mile this far north and cold.’

Lieutenant Bleddyn nodded and gave the orders for the soldiers in their platoon to switch to the infrared binoculars to see if they could spot anyone approaching. Maedhros and Bleddyn patrolled around the perimeter of the farmhouse, stopping every now and then to see if they could spot any sign of life, whether it be fair or foul.

Maedhros’ radio flared into life, ‘Major, a message has come through, support is thirty minutes away sir, I repeat it’s thirty, three-zero minutes away. The order from Command is to-‘

The farmhouse exploded.

Maedhros was flung backwards from the force of the blast, landing on his back, his eyes and ears ringing, his helmet thankfully protecting his head. The radio on his shoulder was blaring as the comms were flooded with soldiers panicking.

He blinked, trying to get the spots out of his eyes. He stayed where he was, flat to the earth in the snow-covered farmyard, but twisted his head to see if he could spot his lieutenant. Bleddyn was a few metres away and unmoving.

Clutching his radio he yelled, ‘Don’t approach the building, DO NOT APPROACH THE BUILDING, there might be a-‘

Another blast. Another missile hit the farmhouse, flattening what had already not been blown up.

‘-Second strike-‘ croaked Maedhros.

He couldn’t stay where he was, but he couldn’t get up either, he was too easy a target. They were under attack and the enemy had artillery. His artillery was thirty minutes away.

Rolling over and crawling to Bleddyn across snow now blotted with ash Maedhros tried to see what state they were in. A cursory check told him they were breathing but were unconscious.

Maedhros grabbed his radio once more, ‘Platoon report. This is Major Noldoran. Platoon Report.’

There was static for what felt like an age but then voices started to come through: panicked and rushed. There was some of the group left but they were scattered.

‘Platoon this is Major Noldoran, stay low, I repeat stay low do not give away your positions. Back-up is thirty minutes away. We sit tight. Does anyone have eyes on Captain Methoril?’

He knew the answer despite asking the question; there was thick, angry, black smoke billowing from the shattered farmhouse. Still, he had to check. She’d been the one next to the comms equipment.

There was silence on the radio.

‘Sergeant do we have access to the auxiliary comms device?’

He was met with silence again.

‘Platoon, this is Major Noldoran, I am ordering everyone to find a partner, get to them and stay low, one of you with eyes on the treeline, one of you with eyes on Angband. Stay armed, stay sharp. Support is thirty minutes away. I’m going to need a status report on the wounded.’

Bleddyn was gasping next to him, coming to and panicking.

‘Hush, it’s alright Lieutenant, it’s alright. Platoon has been hit and we’ve got casualties but support is thirty minutes out. We stay low, we stay prepared. They can’t hit what they can’t see.’

‘I think my leg is broken,’ gasped Bleddyn, ‘Landed funny. Fuck! This isn’t good.’

‘Support is on the way. We’ll get out, we’ll get home. I’ve got you,’ said Maedhros knowing full well he was promising something he absolutely could not guarantee.

They waited ten minutes - the longest ten minutes of Maedhros’ life. There was silence apart from the occasional command he issued down the radio and the laboured breathing of Bleddyn trying to wait out the pain in their leg. At count, he had five mostly unscathed, ten walking wounded, and fifteen unaccounted for, presumed dead.

His only goal right now was to get the living out safely.

Pip-pip-pip. Pip-pip-pip.

Gunshots to the right.

Maedhros’ eyes desperately scanned the horizon, then he spotted them. Enemy soldiers were approaching from the city, they were dressed in black, making no effort to camouflage. They were either stupid, or insanely confident, or, they could be spared.

Maedhros swivelled. ‘Lieutenant, you got eyes on them?’

‘Yes sir,’

‘Keep eyes on them, and keep time Lieutenant.’

Maedhros lined up his sharpshooter rifle, setting his shoulder to it and focusing through the scope and began to fire.

It was clinical. He couldn’t afford not to be. He shot anything that moved. His soldiers were still keeping low so any movement above knee-level was almost certainly the enemy. He fired off round after round, keeping the opposition pinned down to one of the far outbuildings. Constantly  in the back of his mind was concern about the artillery they had, if the enemy decided to pummel the yard by the farm they were fucked.

Bleddyn was keeping time and keeping him informed of where the next target was.

‘Support is ten minutes out sir. To the left a few degrees sir, two hostiles.’

Maedhros was going to run out of rounds before the enemy ran out of soldiers.

Cries were coming down the radio, further casualties.

More gunshots, silence on the radio.

‘Rapidly approaching on the right, on the right, on th-‘

Bleddyn’s voice cut out. Bullets punctured their chest. They’d been flanked. Maedhros swore and turned, getting out his glock and firing, he downed one, another, shot and wounded a third but then they were swarming him, disarming him and pinning him to the ground. There were too many of them.

His arms were restrained, his helmet ripped off and then all Maedhros knew was black.

~

He awoke with a cry in the dark, thrashing on the bed. His breath gasping, trying to take in lungfuls of air but not feeling like he was getting enough oxygen.

‘Nelyo! Nelyo! Calm down! It’s okay. You’re safe, you’re safe! Nelyo!’

He was getting twisted in the bedsheets, he remembered explosions and gunshots and blood, he yelled, ‘No! NO!’

But then there was a heavy weight on top of him, a head under his chin, arms around him squeezing him. ‘Nelyo, Nelyo, it’s safe, you’re safe.’

It was Maglor, his brother, Kàno.

Maglor kept repeating over and over that Maedhros was safe, that he was okay.

And slowly, ever so slowly, over long minutes Maedhros felt his body begin to relax under Maglor’s weight and pressure. His mind started to quieten. He started to realise he wasn’t on the battlefield anymore, he wasn’t lying in the ash-caked snow in a farmyard outside Angband City, he wasn’t about to be captured.

He was in a hotel room in Sirion and it was just beginning to get light.

‘Name five things you can see for me,’ instructed Maglor.

‘Um, the curtains, the clock, the suitcase, the chair and you.’

‘Good. Now four things you can hear.’

‘The- er- the clock, birds outside, my breathing, um…your voice.’

‘Good,’ Maglor repeated lifting his head to look at Maedhros, ‘You’re safe Nelyo, you’re with me, we’re in Sirion.’

‘Yes,’ said Maedhros, voice strained, ‘Yes. I’m sorry Kàno.’

I’m sorry you have me for a brother.

‘Don’t apologise, it’s fine. We thought this may happen remember? You’re away from home, not in your own bed, and it’s a stressful week. Your mind was bound to freak out a little.’

Maedhros nodded but still felt terrible. This was more than a little freak out.

‘Can you do some deep breaths for me?’ asked Maglor, ‘Or do you need pressure for a little while longer?’

‘I think I’m okay,’ said Maedhros quietly. Maglor rolled off him and lay at his side, still pressing himself close, reminding Maedhros that he was here in the present, not in a flashback memory.

‘Deep breaths,’ reminded Maglor and they breathed through them together.

Maedhros felt himself begin to cry.

‘What was it? Nightmare or flashback?’

‘Flashback,’ said Maedhros, ‘Bleddyn, Methoril.’ Hot, salty tears were running down his cheeks. It had been nearly three years, but it could have been yesterday, the memory was so vivid.

Maglor nodded, he knew the one Maedhros was talking about. He knew all the flashbacks, he’d been with Maedhros through most of them. The ambush outside of Angband City was unfortunately a common one.

‘You are safe now,’ he repeated.

‘Yes,’ sighed Maedhros, wiping his eyes with his pyjama sleeve, ‘Ah, well, like you said it was bound to happen. Too many things going on right now.’

‘It’s like five-forty-five,’ said Maglor turning his head to look at the clock, ‘We can definitely try and get two more hours sleep. It’s going to be a long day. I’ll stay with you alright?’

Maedhros nodded and pulled up the covers over the both of them. He let Maglor soothe him to sleep, drifting off to soft fingers stroking his hair and a gentle song in his ears.

I don’t deserve you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

~

Maglor’s alarm woke them both up two hours later. Maedhros was fortunately not plagued further by any more dreams or flashbacks, but he could still feel an echo of things in the corner of his mind and his body felt achy and sore.

Maglor rolled over with a groan, muttering curse words at his phone as he silenced the alarm. He yawned and propping himself up on an elbow, looked at Maedhros, ‘You okay?’

‘Yeah, I don’t know that I feel much more rested but at least I had no more bad dreams,’ said Maedhros.

‘Good,’ said Maglor, ‘I’m glad I was here to help you.’

‘I wish I didn’t need the help.’

‘I know, but I can help, and I want to help, and I will do for as long as you need me.’

‘You make it sound so simple,’ said Maedhros morosely.

‘In this, it is simple. I am here for you, always,’ said Maglor, he took Maedhros’ hand and squeezed it. ‘Now did you want to shower first?’

Maedhros got up and made his way into the hotel room bathroom and set about getting ready for the day. He showered and shaved as quickly as he could, squeezed his damp hair into one of the towels and then exited the bathroom in one of the hotel robes.

Maglor passed him, ‘The others have messaged, Moryo and Amya started off twenty minutes ago, Turko’s just setting off now with the Ambarussa in his car and Curvo’s on the motorway, but he’s going to stop for food on the way. They’ll meet us at the Crem at one.’

Maedhros nodded, the service was at one-thirty, but he’d wanted to allow time for setting up and in case anyone was held up on the way, and he needed to meet with the funeral celebrant beforehand anyway.

The bathroom door shut and Maedhros heard the shower turning on. His eyes went to where Maglor had laid out Maedhros’ outfit on the bed.

Of course I was going to have a flashback.

He hadn’t worn a military dress uniform since he was medically discharged. He could have worn a simple and smart black suit like everyone else, but he’d felt like Elwing deserved the respect; a military forces widow herself.

He wasn’t even sure if it would still fit him. He was slimmer than he had been in the army, having lost weight and muscle mass during his imprisonment in Thangorodrim and the months after his rescue and amputation. His time in rehab had enabled him to gain weight and muscle tone back but he was nowhere near as fit and as bulked as he’d been three years ago at his peak.

Staring at it isn’t going to make this suddenly all better.

Well that was true enough. He started to get dressed.

He was struggling with the belt when Maglor emerged in a cloud of steam from the bathroom a little while later, a towel wrapped around his waist and his pale skin pink from the hot water. Maedhros didn’t know how he could have such hot showers, he was glad they were past the days of sharing a bathroom as teenagers and Maedhros always having to turn the heat down or risk getting scalded and then Maglor yelling at him for turning it too cold.

Maglor started to get dressed, dropping his towel and pulling on his underwear and trousers. He noticed Maedhros having difficulty with the belt.

‘Do you need a hand?’

‘Two if you’ve got them.’

Maglor let out a laugh, ‘The hand jokes are never going to get old, and I love it.’ He moved forwards and secured the belt around Maedhros waist easily.

‘Damn you do look smart in this,’ he said approvingly, ‘Even the rolled up sleeve is just going to make you look more of a dashing war hero.’

Maedhros rolled his eyes, ‘I’ll need you to sort my hair for me again,’ he said, ‘If it’s not too much bother.’

‘Jokes on you, I love doing your hair,’ smiled Maglor, ‘Don’t forget your medals,’ he said as he threaded his arms through the sleeves of his black shirt.

‘I didn’t bring them.’

‘Well I did,’  said Maglor doing up the buttons quickly, he cut a neat figure in all black. ‘They’re in my suitcase there,’ he pointed at a slim but wide black box resting on his case.

‘I’m not wearing them,’ Maedhros said resolutely.

‘You are,’  countered Maglor, ‘You earned every single one-‘

‘My career ended in defeat, I lost a platoon of soldiers-‘

‘You were ambushed-‘

‘I got my troops killed, I was their commanding officer-‘

‘And that’s why they captured you and imprisoned and tortured you-‘

‘It wasn’t torture-‘

‘So denying you food and water and sanitation wasn’t torture? Chaining you up like an animal wasn’t torture?’

‘It was three weeks-‘

‘And you nearly didn’t come home to us!’ Maglor was yelling now.

Maedhros stopped.

‘You nearly didn’t come back Nelyo!’ Maglor had tears in his eyes, ‘But you did! And I know it was horrendous, I know you lost your soldiers, but you weren’t the one who killed them. That was the enemy. You acted commendably, they all said so, the discharge panel. You did everything you could do. It was an ambush, it was capture, and it was torture. Defeat would have been you dying. You didn’t. You survived and you came home to us. To me.’

‘Kàno I-‘

‘Wear the damn medals Nelyo, only one of them is for Angband, the rest you can’t possibly have a problem with. But that medal? The fact that you are alive and have a breathing body to pin it to, that’s the reason for wearing it. That’s a victory to me.’

‘Kàno-‘

‘Wear the damn medals. I’m going down for breakfast, I need coffee and pastries and air. I’ll come back and do your hair in a bit.’ And with that, Maglor was sweeping from the room, his hair still damp and letting the door close with a click behind him.

Maedhros felt sick. He hated arguing with Maglor. It didn’t happen often but when it did it felt like the world was off its axis. Maglor needed space and Maedhros let him have it.

He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed and looked at the little black box, so innocuous, so unassuming. There were nine medals in there, and he disliked every single one. What was the point of them? What had been the point of his entire army career? He’d joined to prove something to his father and to live up to his grandfather’s legacy. And those were stupid reasons to join; he could see that now. His need to escape, to get out of the increasingly unbearable home situation where he never felt like he could be himself, and join an organisation that famously didn’t let people be individuals but instead a part of a huge establishment machine?

Yeah, that had been a phenomenal idea he thought bitterly.

And as to what he’d achieved in the army? What of his success? Yes he’d risen the ranks quickly, yes he’d led more than a dozen successful missions. But what did any of it matter when the last one ended so diabolically? When thirty men and women under his direct command hadn’t come home?

Some of them didn’t even have bodies that could be recovered. Captain Methoril and the five soldiers in the building and the three more who’d run in after the first explosion had been completely destroyed. Their graves were empty in the Beleriand National Cemetery.

A sudden thought flashed into his mind. Eärendil has no grave. There wasn’t a body for Elwing to bury.

Eärendil had been lost at sea, drowned. His crew hadn’t recovered his body. There’d been no coffin at his funeral.

Maedhros had noticed a similar slim black box in the wardrobe in Elwing’s flat; Eärendil’s medals. His cousin had been decorated in his own right.

The fact that you have a breathing body to pin them to, that’s a victory to me. Maglor’s words echoed in his mind.

Yes, what he wouldn’t give, what wouldn’t Elrond and Elros give to have their Atar back and wearing his medals?

It was a privilege to be alive.

It was a privilege to be able to wear this uniform and wear these medals when others couldn’t.

I know that.

But why is it still so difficult?

Twenty minutes later, when Maglor came back into the room, a tray piled with fruit, toast, pastries and a decaf coffee in his arms and he looked up to see Maedhros holding open the box, they both knew they were going to be okay.

~

The Sirion City Crematorium was surprisingly nice. The new building had opened only five years ago as the city closed the old outdated one. It was set on one of the cliff-tops on the edge of the city and was afforded stunning views of the coastline. The building was modern and sleek with huge windows and whitewashed walls. The inside was bright and welcoming.

Maedhros and Maglor had grabbed lunch in the city before arriving and were now in the process of setting up one of the rooms for Elwing’s service. One entire side of the room was floor to ceiling windows offering a calming view of the Crematorium’s memorial gardens, beyond which was the cliff-edge and ocean. It was a sunny but breezy September day, and the white clouds were dashing across the sky in a hurry. The sea was frothy with white breakers, the sound of the waves adding to the ambience of the room.

Maglor had laid out the Orders of Service on each of the chairs and was now warming up his fingers on the grand piano at the front of the room, scales and phrases from different bits of music were weaving their way through the air.

Deep blue curtains of velvet were at the front of the room, the piano on one side, a lectern on the other, and Elwing’s coffin which had not yet arrived would go on the bier in the middle.

Maedhros had finalised all the details with the funeral celebrant and was now arranging the photos of Elwing they’d got from Idril on a table. All were printed tastefully in black and white and sat in silver frames. Elwing’s face smiled at Maedhros as he set them out. He could see the features of hers which her sons had inherited, especially her dark hair. She beamed at him from her wedding day photo, in a simple white dress, holding a posy and Eärendil’s hands on her waist.

You look so happy.

Why did you have to leave them?

How did we come to this? How am I the one arranging your funeral and going to be the guardian of your sons?

He traced fingers over a photo of Elwing with the twins, probably taken by Eärendil as they were still babies in the picture. Elros and Elrond were sitting naked in the kitchen sink, covered in food stains, Elwing was up to her elbows in suds as she appeared to be attempting to bath them. The twins looked so pleased with themselves and Elwing was laughing. It was a snapshot in time of a chaotic but happy family time.

You all look so happy.

You’re gone, and your babies are hurting and alone.

Intense feelings of grief and love rushed through him.

No, they’re not alone! They’ve got me and Kàno. We’re going to be a family.

I promise you Elwing, we’ll make a family.

They just needed to get through today.

Maedhros finished setting out the photos and surveyed the room. The chairs were out, there were tables on the other side of the room for the catering for the wake. The rest of his brothers should be arriving imminently and the other funeral guests expected in half an hour.

Maglor continued playing the piano and it soothed Maedhros’ fractious heart. His brother was in his element, solely focused on the music as his fingers glided over the keys, generating the most beautiful melodies. Maedhros never took it for granted that his brother gave up a life of a concert pianist, touring the world, achieving prestigious awards and widespread fame and recognition to come and stay at his bedside as he recovered from his injury. His brother was a star and he’d foregone his chance to shine for the world, to come cast his glow over Maedhros instead.

I don’t know what I’d do without you.

He took a deep breath, trying to settle his anxiety.

We’ve just got to get through today.

They didn’t have to wait long before the first of their family arrived. Celegorm sauntered in through the doors in a languid manner, followed quickly by Amras and Amrod. They were all carrying large trays of food for the wake. Maedhros went over to welcome them, instructing them to set down the food on the allocated tables.

Celegorm dumped his tray a little carelessly, dislodging some of the sandwiches before he straightened and greeted his brother.

‘Holy shit I forget how good you scrub up Nelyo,’ said Celegorm, his eyes taking in Maedhros’ black dress uniform with the gold epaulettes, white sash and medals, ‘You’re so fucking intimidating like this.’

Celegorm’s blonde hair was for once neatly tied back in braids with silver braid clips, and he was wearing an appropriate black suit, even if it did have dog hair on it.

‘Don’t swear,’ hissed Maedhros, reaching to give his second brother a hug.

‘Sorry,’ Celegorm said without a hint of remorse, however, Maedhros decided today was a day to pick his battles and Turko’s swearing was down the list of priorities. He released Celegorm and went to hug the twins.

Ambarussa hadn’t dressed the same in years but with them both in black suits today they almost looked like mirror images of each other. Even their hair was similarly braided in a formal style, Maedhros remembered teaching them for their Atar’s funeral. He felt a lump in his throat.

Today’s going to throw up a lot of memories.

‘You look tired,’ said Amras with concern, as Maedhros released him from the hug, ‘Did you sleep okay?’

‘Not really,’ said Maedhros, ‘But I was never going to.’

‘Please take care of yourself,’ said Amras, clutching at Maedhros’ left arm. Whether to reassure himself his brother was really there or to offer reassurance Maedhros wasn’t sure.

‘Did you meet the twin cousins yesterday?’ asked Amrod excitedly, ‘What were they like?’

‘They-‘ Maedhros didn’t even know the right words to describe the visit yesterday evening, the whirl of emotions inside him right now was intense, all he could manage was: ‘They were wonderful.’

‘Oh my god, you see that right? You see that look on his face? He used to look at you like that all the fucking time. Elbereth Nelyo, you’re so fucked. Is Kàno the same? Hey! Kàno!’ Celegorm was shouting across the room at his brother.

‘Turko, please keep shouting to a minimum today-‘ but it was no use, Celegorm was striding across the room because Maglor was steadfastly ignoring him and continuing his warming up.

‘I’m excited to meet them,’ said Amrod, looking around as if Elros and Elrond might be hiding under the chairs somewhere, ‘When will they get here?’

‘In a little bit, but I don’t think today is the time for introductions and I’m sorry, I know how much you want to meet them, and I’d love for them to meet you too, but today’s going to be overwhelming for them, so we don’t want to add to that alright?’

Amrod nodded, ‘We understand, we do. Is there anything we can do to help?’

‘Not really, this is all the catering sorted?’ Two faces nodded at him, and ‘Then I think that’s all. How was Turko on the drive?’

They looked at one another, silently communicating in the way that they did. Maedhros was sure they were deciding on how truthful to be to him.

‘He was fine,’ said Amras.

Maedhros quirked an eyebrow.

Amrod jumped in, ‘No really he was, all things considered. You know he doesn’t like formal events and it being a funeral I think it’s made us all remember Atar’s passing. Anyway the drive was fine, I think I learned about fifty new swear words.’

Maedhros let out a sigh, ‘Okay, well I don’t know what more I expected,’ he looked over and saw Maglor looking very unimpressed with Celegorm’s antics, but Maedhros trusted Maglor to rein him in. ‘Today is hard on all of us.’

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Caranthir and their Ammë.

‘See I told you Amya, just follow the obnoxiously good piano playing and it’ll lead us right there,’ Caranthir was saying as they came staggering through the door, laden with huge bouquets of flowers.

‘Ambarussa, help them!’ said Maedhros moving forwards himself but knowing his limits with only one hand. But the twins were already taking some of the bouquets from Caranthir and their mother and lightening the load.

Nerdanel was now somewhat visible, and she set the remainder of the flowers she was carrying down on an empty chair. Her long red hair which Maedhros and the twins had inherited was swept back into elaborate braids cascading down her shoulders. She wore a long black dress with a square neckline, balloon sleeves and a simple gold necklace that Fëanor had made her.

‘Those ones go up at the front boys!’ she called out to the twins who were gently transporting the flowers to the front of the room.

‘I’ll sort them,’ said Caranthir, ‘And I’ll get them to help me with the rest from the car. Hi Nelyo,’ he said in passing as he moved to direct the twins some more.

‘Moryo,’ Maedhros replied in greeting, knowing his brother wasn’t one for hugs anyway.

‘Hello Maitimo dear,’ Nerdanel said turning to Maedhros. He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek, letting her pull him into a tight embrace. Though she was much smaller than him she still managed to make him feel encompassed in her love.

‘Amya,’ he said voice thick. They had weekly phone calls, but he hadn’t seen his mother in a few months and seeing her now reminded him how much he missed her presence.

‘How are you baby?’ she asked gently, looking into his face, her hazel eyes meeting his own.

‘Managing,’ he said honestly, ‘It’ll be easier after today I think.’

‘Yeah,’ she said rubbing his shoulders, ‘Yeah, it’s bringing a lot of stuff back I bet? It is for all of us.’

He nodded. Fëanor hung heavy in the air between them.

‘You’re strong darling, you’ve got this. You look so handsome today,’ she thumbed over his medals. ‘We’ll all be here to give Elwing a good send off. Is she here yet?’

‘Any moment now.’

‘Okay,’ she said, ‘Okay, well let me say hello to the rest of my wayward sons, but we’ll chat later sweetheart alright? Also I want to hear how yesterday went.’

‘Yesterday, was… yeah I’ll tell you later. But Amya, can you look after Idril today?’ Maedhros asked, ‘It’s a lot for her right now, with Tuor and-‘

Nerdanel interrupted him gently, ‘Say no more,’ she said, ‘We’ll get through it. That’s what family does.’

Maedhros couldn’t express how much hearing those words meant to him. Today was a day for family; of letting go and celebrating a life lived.

Caranthir and the Ambarussa came in and out the room a few times ferrying the rest of the flowers and placing them around the room as Nerdanel gave each of her other sons a kiss -sans Curufin who hadn’t arrived yet. The flowers were stunning; Caranthir had done an excellent job in organising them.

Maedhros excused himself into the corridor outside, leaning against the wall and relishing the opportunity of having a few minutes spare to take some deep breaths and try to settle himself.

It didn’t really work. The flashback overnight, the crisis his uniform and medals had brought up that morning and the resurfacing memories of his father’s funeral felt already too much, and he still had to get through the service.

You’ve just got to get through today. Keep it together for today. You can fall apart later.

He took off his hat and held it, turning it so his regiment’s emblem was facing him. Wearing his uniform perversely sort of helped. It took him back to a time where he was in charge and gave the orders. It felt like stepping into old, worn shoes. He no longer wanted this life, and he’d never go back to it fully. But it was familiar and offered a shield between himself and the emotions threatening to engulf him.

And by Eru, I need all the strength I can get today.

The hallway of the crematorium was an oddly peaceful place. It was quiet and felt hallowed. It was a place that encountered grief every day, holding it then, the releasing it. But it didn’t feel sad, it felt tranquil.

Maedhros was still and breathed in the calm and whilst he still felt tremendously overwhelmed, he felt grateful for the space that was held here, precious and sacred.

As with everything it couldn’t last forever, and he soon received the signal from the funeral celebrant informing them that Elwing’s coffin had arrived at the crematorium. He straightened up, set his hat back on his head, his hair styled neatly into a bun at the nape of his neck and returned to the heavy day.

Maglor had moved quickly to be at Maedhros’ side as they made their way to the Crematorium entrance. However, despite worrying about Curufin’s absence it turned out he needn’t have been concerned as they met their brother in the atrium.

‘Kàno, Nelyo. I’m here, all good, don’t stress,’ said Curufin cursorily. Maedhros was suddenly reminded that he’d meant to have a word with Curufin about his standoffish attitude of late but hadn’t managed to get around to it.

I’ve had a lot of understandable distractions he tried to think kindly to himself, but it didn’t take away the twinge of guilt he felt at neglecting the care of one of his brothers.

Now that all his siblings were here Maedhros was able to marshal them as they carried Elwing’s coffin into the crematorium. He knew his wasn’t the only grim expression. He remembered all too vividly carrying his own father’s casket into the church and he was sure his brothers were in the same position; Maglor had wet eyes, Caranthir was tight lipped and both Celegorm and Curufin were stony-faced. Maedhros, unable to be a pallbearer this time because of his injury, instructed the Ambarussa on the right stance to take as this was new to them.

And then, with a measured pace and Maedhros leading the way, the six brothers slowly and with the utmost care carried Elwing into the room on her final journey.

We’re with you in this.

We couldn’t be here with you in life, but we’re hear with you at the end Elwing.

They lowered the coffin gently down onto the bier. Nerdanel set about arranging the flowers around it, white lilies, carnations and chrysanthemums forming a beautiful scene. Even though she’d not known Elwing, the care and delicacy taken to place each stem displayed her love. It poured from her soul as Nerdanel lay a magnificent spray of white roses on the top of the casket. She placed a gentle hand on the polished wood, lips moving in a hushed prayer of deliverance and peace.

‘Be with the angels my love,’ Nerdanel whispered.

Maedhros had to look away, his eyes were stinging. He saw Maglor drying his eyes quickly with a tissue before resuming his position at the piano. Wonderful, wistful notes started winding their way through the room as the guests began to arrive. Maedhros squared his shoulders and set his back straight as he went to greet them.

Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together.

Idril and Tuor were among the first at the door. Tuor was in a wheelchair and Maedhros was surprised when Caranthir rushed forwards to help take over pushing from Idril.

‘Oh thank you dear, thank you... um?’ She wasn’t sure which brother Caranthir was.

‘Morifinwë,’ Caranthir helpfully supplied, using his father-name which Idril would recognise.

‘Oh splendid, thank you ever so much my dear. Ah Nelyafinwë look at you! So smart!’ gushed Idril. Now freed from pushing the wheelchair she came over and Maedhros kissed her on the cheek. ‘You do the family proud. Tuor, Tuor my love, this is Maedhros he’s my cousin on my father’s side, and the young man pushing you is Morifinwë, another cousin.’

‘Good afternoon sir,’ Maedhros inclined his head in respect to Tuor.

Tuor showed no sign of recognition, although he took in Maedhros’ uniform and said, ‘Army man eh? And a Senior Officer too! My son is in the Navy. Is he here? Is Eärendil here?’ he started to look around.

‘He’s not having as good a day today,’ said Idril to Maedhros as Tuor continued to look around for any sign of his dead son, ‘We may need to leave early, depending on how he does.’

‘That’s all fine, said Maedhros reaching out to grasp her hand, ‘We’ll get through today.’

‘Yes, yes we will. This is right for her, right for Elwing. Oh gosh, there she is-‘ the sight of Elwing’s coffin surrounded by the cascade of white flowers set Idril off and she was pressing her handkerchief to her face. ‘-So beautiful. She really was so beautiful…Are the twins here yet?’

‘Only our twin brothers,’ replied Caranthir, ‘Cousin Idril where shall I put you and Cousin Tuor?’

‘Oh we’ll sit up at the front my dear,’ said Idril, she grasped Maedhros’ hand back in a tight squeeze briefly and then they were moving off down the aisle of chairs.

Several more guests showed up: friends of Elwing’s, some of her colleagues from the bird sanctuary, Elros and Elrond’s school teacher, Idril’s chaplain. They all seemed surprised to see so many of Maedhros’ family here, but he explained they were cousins of Elwing’s husband.

And then, finally, just as the service was about to start, Fae and Athenir were walking in, each holding the hand of Elrond and Elros. The twins were dressed smartly in white shirts and black trousers, their hair was combed and neat but not braided. They looked small and scared.

Maedhros welcomed them as tenderly as he could.

‘Maedhros,’ said Athenir in greeting, ‘Wow, I almost didn’t recognise you there.’

Athenir seemed impressed, Maedhros wondered if it was the medals, he’d noticed nearly everyone glance at them as they’d come through the door.

At least I have a breathing body to pin them to he thought. Maglor’s words from this morning still echoing in his head.

He took off his hat and crouched down to get to the twins’ level, ‘Hi Elrond, Elros,’ he said to the twins, ‘It’s nice to see you again.’

Their eyes went wide as they recognised him properly, he held out his stump for a fist bump and was relieved when they reciprocated.

‘It’s really nice to see you again,’ he said, ‘We all love you very, very much.’

Elros nodded but didn’t say anything, Elrond kept quiet and just stared at him.

Maedhros stood up, ‘We’re all good to go,’ he said to Fae and Athenir, ‘After you.’ He gestured into the room, and they walked in together.

~

Some parts of Elwing’s funeral were a blur, yet others were so clear that Maedhros knew he would remember certain images for eternity.

The music Maglor played was of course perfection, but it blurred into the background, offering a subtle but loving presence.

The words from the funeral celebrant were kindly and offered solace but they also faded away.

In contrast, the image of two little boys holding hands and standing in front of their Ammë’s casket at the beginning of the service would stay with Maedhros until his end days.

It’s not right. It’s not fair! He wanted to scream and shout and fight whatever power in the universe had decreed these children be separated forever from their mother.

For most of the service, Elros was inconsolable, and Fae had to do her best at certain parts of the service to keep him in the room, as he squirmed and screamed, tears pouring down his red face. Elrond just sat numbly on his chair, weeping silently next to Athenir who was handing him tissues, Maedhros didn’t think he moved a centimetre the entire time.

It was horrible and Maedhros felt absolutely powerless to help. Maglor, seated at the piano was white with worry, he kept biting his lip which Maedhros knew he did when distressed. Ever a professional his hands were steady and smooth and his playing flawless, but he was clearly concerned for the twins, and he glanced over almost constantly.

Idril performed the eulogy for Elwing, her words were deep, heartfelt and profound.

‘Elwing was a free spirit. She was only on this earth for a short time, but she left us all changed for the better for having known her. She swanned into my life around six years ago when my son casually mentioned he was marrying the love of his life after only having known her for four weeks! You can imagine my absolute shock!’ there were smiles and laughs in the room.

‘Well we did have a scurry on to get them to the courthouse in only a fortnight. I still don’t know how we did it! But she was a vision of beauty on the day, and they were so in love anyone could see it! Elwing had no family to speak of and on that day she became my daughter, and I loved her as dearly as if she were my own.

‘Everyone who knew Elwing loved her, and we did so very, very much. She brought into this world the most precious treasures, my grandchildren, her boys, Elros and Elrond and she was the most wonderful mother. Her love for her children was beyond anything.

‘Elwing seemed to dance through life, she lit up any room she was in. In her presence you felt like anything could be possible, she never seemed to have any limits to her imagination or curiosity. She had a difficult start in life but she was resilient beyond words and when my son Eärendil-‘ Idril’s voice wobbled and she took a moment to collect herself.

‘When my son Eärendil passed, she proved herself to be one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. Her light was dimmed for a while but never went out. She stood strong and carried on. We don’t know what she must have been suffering in the time before her death, and we may never know. All we do know is that she has left us for now. She has flown away on the morning breeze to be reunited with my son in the undying lands. But her spark, her light, has not gone out, for her sons are still here, as are we, and her memory will live on in us.

‘Elwing my darling, we love you, and we will miss you so very much. Be at peace my love.’

Idril stepped down from the lectern and returned to her seat in between Nerdanel and Tuor in the appreciative silence that followed. There were very few dry eyes in the room. Maedhros saw his mother hold Idril’s hand and whisper words of comfort in her ear.

It was then to Maedhros to perform the final reading of the service - a poem of hope that he’d also read at his father’s funeral. He stood and walked up to the lectern feeling his stomach in knots; it was somehow harder to read it at the funeral of a woman he’d never met, than at his own Atar’s service.

But he managed it, albeit with a shaking voice in parts, hoping it was audible over Elros’ crying at the back of the room as Fae held him, walking up and down trying to soothe his little cousin. Maedhros’ eyes flicked to Elrond, small and sitting on a too big chair on the front row, his eyes never leaving the flower adorned coffin where his Ammë lay. And it was with a fierce roaring love for these children that Maedhros managed to finish the poem.

With the service over, Maedhros led the goodbyes at the casket for the final time. Swearing silently before Elwing, Eärendil and all that was holy that he would devote his remaining time on the earth to protecting and loving Elros and Elrond.

He saluted her in goodbye.

The coffin was taken behind a curtain and that was that.

Elwing was gone.

~

Idril and Tuor left fairly quickly after the service; Tuor’s distress and confusion about what was going on increasingly evident. Nerdanel accompanied them out to the car and Maedhros could see her out of the window chatting with Idril for long minutes in the carpark before the two of them hugged, and she returned inside.

The rest of the guests lingered for the wake, each coming to Maglor and Maedhros and thanking them for arranging the service. Maglor was praised for piano skills and in typical fashion didn’t tell any of them he was a former concert pianist. Maedhros would have jumped in to avoid letting his brother downplay himself, but he was busy keeping an eye on his family. Celegorm had exited the venue to go wander the memorial garden outside, Curufin joined at first, but he returned not long after. Caranthir and the Ambarussa were also chatting to guests and passing out the food.

Fae had exited the room with Elros almost immediately after the service, seeking calm. Athenir however, remained seating with Elrond for a time at the front of the room.  Conscious that they’d be leaving soon Maedhros excused himself to go sit on the other side of Elrond.

‘Hi Elrond,’ he said softly, ‘You were really brave today,’

‘Elrond’s out of words for today I think,’ said Athenir holding Elrond’s hand, ‘We’ll probably head off now. It’s been an overwhelming and sad day.’

‘Yes it has,’ said Maedhros. He got out of his chair and knelt in front of Elrond, trying to catch the boy’s gaze. ‘I just want to say something really important to you Elrond. And it’s that me and Maglor still want you to come and live with us. We love you so much. It’s okay to be sad. I am very, very sad today as well. But nothing has changed, we still want you to come and live with us. Nothing will change that, okay?’

Elrond looked at him, his eyes red and puffy, but said nothing. Maedhros didn’t need him to, he just wanted to make it really clear that Elros’ screaming and Elrond’s crying hadn’t changed anything because that had seemed like such a big fear for his cousin yesterday.

‘That’s great of you to say, thanks Maedhros,’ said Athenir, ‘Thank you so much for today, I know you and your family organised everything. It was a lovely service thank you.’

‘Of course,’ said Maedhros standing up, ‘You take care, and we’ll speak next week.’

‘Come on then Elrond. Remember, we’ve said our goodbyes to your Ammë’s body today. But her love and spirit is still with us and she’s always in your heart. Come on, there we go.’ Athenir was encouraging Elrond to stand, the little boy seemed a bit dazed and unsteady on his feet. Athenir asked if he could pick him up and Elrond nodded.

And with that, Athenir carried Elrond from the room, Elrond buried his face into Athenir’s shoulder. It did not escape Maedhros’ notice all the glances of pity and sorrow cast his cousin’s way. His heart clenched.

Maglor caught them at the door and was able to say his own goodbye to Elrond, Maedhros could see him murmuring words of comfort and love. But once they’d left Maglor’s face was stricken, and he looked broken.

Maedhros refused to leave Maglor’s side for the remainder of the wake.

Art by the wonderful Thelien on tumblr

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

The wake was over, and there was only Maedhros’ family remaining in the room at the Sirion Crematorium. It was mid-afternoon, the sun had moved away from the southeasterly windows, and the breeze had picked up; clouds rushing past in the azure sky overhead as if they had somewhere better to be.

Maglor slumped down on a chair next to Maedhros looking utterly drained, he undid the shirt buttons around his neck and let out a bone-weary sigh. Nerdanel came to his side and stroked his hair, planting a kiss to his parting, ‘Laurë you played beautifully, well done darling, it wasn’t easy.’

Maglor’s voiced cracked, ‘It won’t bring her back Amya. I can’t stand it, they’re in so much pain,’ they all knew he meant the twins.

‘I know, they’re so small, bless them.’ She gave Maglor a hug, rubbing at his back soothingly, before pulling away and looking at him and Maedhros both, ‘But I tell you Laurë, and you Maitimo, you are absolutely the best people on this good earth to look after them, I’m positive. They’re going to be so loved. You are going to do amazingly.’

There was no higher praise or encouragement Maedhros could think of than that coming from his mother. She’d raised seven sons after all. He took the warm feeling it generated and tried to hold it close amidst the grief that weighed heavy on him, amidst the doubts about whether or not he’d be a good caregiver.

‘Will you have them in time for Yule?’ asked Amrod as he shovelled a sandwich into his mouth. He and his twin had seemingly taken it upon themselves to clear the trays of food by eating all the leftovers.

‘Yes if everything gets approved they will come to live with us in seven weeks, so around the end of October,’ replied Maedhros.

‘Do we call the sproglets our nephews or our cousins?’  called out Celegorm, as he threw himself into a chair nearby, ‘Cos they’re gonna be your kids now you’re essentially their new parents so-‘

Maedhros glared at his brother as Nerdanel said sternly, ‘Tyelkormo! Don’t be so callous on their Ammë’s funeral day. Why are you sitting around? There’s plenty still to tidy up, go do something useful.’

‘Kàno and Nelyo are sitting down!’ Celegorm protested.

‘They arranged this entire funeral, they’re entitled to a sit down. I don’t see you moving young man-’ Nerdanel moved away to continue lecturing him as Celegorm made a poor effort to tidy some of the chairs away.

‘Shall we go down to the beach after we’re done here?’ asked Amras, neatly changing the subject, ‘The tide’s out and it’s still warm enough for ice creams.’

‘We could do,’ said Maedhros thoughtfully, ‘Might be good for us, a change of scenery?’

We can’t stay here at any rate.

‘It does seem a shame to come all this way and not even visit the beach,’ Amrod chipped in.

Maedhros looked at Maglor; they hadn’t any plans for the rest of the day, they had one more night at the hotel and were heading back home to Amon Ereb tomorrow. However, Maglor looked about five minutes from collapsing on the spot. There were dark circles under his eyes and his bottom lip was chewed to shreds.

‘Kàno?’ Maedhros wanted to give his brother an out, ‘You can go back to the hotel if you want some space.’

That his brother took it with no hesitation proved Maedhros had made the right call, ‘I might go back to the hotel,’ Maglor said with a long outward breath, ‘Maybe I’ll join you later.’

‘I can drive you there?’ Maedhros offered.

‘No, it’s not actually that far and I think I’d like the walk,’ Maglor stood wearily, Maedhros worried a firm gust of wind outside would send him careening. ‘You’ve got it all under control. I’ll message you if I feel like joining you later.’

Maedhros also stood and reached out to pull his brother into a hug. Maglor clung to him harder than usual, clearly struggling with the weight of emotions from the day. ‘Go rest, cry it out,’ Maedhros murmured into Maglor’s sleek dark hair, planting a kiss to his head.

‘I feel horrendous, how are you still standing?’ Maglor said quietly back.

‘Oh I’ll have a break down about it tonight no doubt,’ said Maedhros attempting to joke, but his words were far too close to the truth to be funny. ‘It’s been a really tough day Kàno, and you were amazing, I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you for being with me in this. Go take a break, look after yourself.’

Maglor nodded and grabbing his things he left the Crematorium.

Maedhros tried not to sway on the spot. He also wanted nothing more than to lie down and sleep until tomorrow and cry out his emotions into a pillow. But Maglor needed it more; Maedhros had seen him suppressing tears almost the entire day, even hours before the funeral.  Maglor cared so deeply for their cousins, and he was a much more expressive person so bottling up so many of his emotions couldn’t have been good for him. Some time alone to process would help.

Still, Maedhros felt Maglor’s absence keenly, his biggest pillar of support had left the room with hunched shoulders and a haunted expression. He was just going to have to manage without his brother for the time being. Just got to get through today. It was becoming a mantra at this point. But Maedhros clung to it and used it to fortify himself.

To be fair to his family, they were making good progress on tidying up and clearing things away under their Ammë’s supervision. So Maedhros felt free to duck out and tackle something he’d been neglecting to do for days. He’d noticed Curufin leave the room a short while ago and Maedhros felt they were long overdue a chat.

He found his recalcitrant brother in the corridor outside, on the phone.

‘Yeah, it’s over. It was fine, kinda sad even though I didn’t know her, yeah I know it’s a funeral- Oh, um, I’m sorry, I’ve gotta go!’ Curufin had spotted Maedhros and hurriedly hung up the call.

‘You don’t- Curvo if you need to take a call it’s fine I can come back later-‘

‘What do you want?’ said Curufin brusquely, pocketing his phone.

If his brother was going to be short with him like that Maedhros was now even more determined to get to the bottom of what was going on. ‘Walk with me.’ It wasn’t a suggestion and Maedhros knew his brother would follow.

They went out to the memorial garden. It was a thoughtfully designed space with a curving path winding through raised flower beds, water features and sculptures. Terraces descended in steppes, following the contours of the cliff, away from the Crematorium on the hill. Maedhros followed the path down all the way to the lowest part of the garden which opened out onto a viewing platform with a few benches. There was a sturdy looking railing and barrier to protect people and the view was spectacular looking out to sea.

Maedhros leaned on the railing, looking out across the bay. Curufin joined him, as Maedhros knew he would.

Maedhros didn’t say anything for the longest time, just let the breeze, the waves and the seagulls fill the gap between him and his brother. It wasn’t his style to force things out of his brothers, they were all too like their father in that all of them got their backs up when met head on. Patience and understanding were the better tactic and Maedhros was ever the strategist.

After a while, as Maedhros knew he would, Curufin broke the silence, ‘You want me to tell you what’s going on.’

‘So there is something going on.’

‘Don’t be smart it doesn’t suit you.’

Maedhros didn’t rise to the bait, he kept his voice level and calm, ‘I’m not, I just know you. You’ve been extra…prickly recently.’

‘I’ve been a dick, just say it.’

‘Fine you’ve been a dick, and rude and sometimes even unkind Curvo. What’s going on? You can tell me, or don’t, but at least tell someone. Have you spoken to Turko?’  Maedhros didn’t for a moment think that he was the only one of his brothers who could help; Curufin was closest to Celegorm out of all of them.

‘I thought of telling him,’ sighed Curufin, ‘But I chickened out.’ He paused, looking away at the ocean before exclaiming, ‘Ugh! Fine! You are probably the only one I can tell. And I hate it. I hate coming to you.’

Internally Maedhros was trying very hard not to have a crisis over what Curufin had just said - that he hated coming to Maedhros for things. Why? Does he not trust me? Am I too overbearing? Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed him to tell me. I’ve been working hard on trying to let them come to me rather than me interfering and nagging them all the time and meddling with their lives. I know in the past I used to try and fix their problems to make myself feel better, because I couldn’t sort my own shit or feel good enough in my own life. I know they all find me annoying. I find myself annoying. But I don’t ever want them to think that they can’t come to me for support, or that I wouldn’t listen.

‘Why?’ asked Maedhros genuinely, ‘You don’t have to, I just care about you, you’ve said something’s going on and I want to help-‘

‘Yeah and that’s why! You care too much, and you let us dump it all on you. And then you spend so much time and energy trying to fucking fix us when some of us are clearly a lost cause! Where’s your self-preservation Nelyo? Where are your boundaries?’

‘You’re talking to me about self-preservation?’ asked Maedhros, patting his chest with his stump, ‘Me?’

‘Emotional self-preservation, you wanker! -Sorry, fuck! I didn’t mean that.’

‘No, you’re okay,’ said Maedhros wryly. In truth he was relieved. Curufin didn’t want to come to him not because he felt like Maedhros was being too overbearing or didn’t trust that he would want to help, but because Curufin was worried Maedhros would do everything in his power to help at the expense of his own wellbeing.

Well he’s not wrong there. Cendis says I need to stop putting everyone’s needs before my own. And it was with that thought that Maedhros realised he’d done exactly that with Maglor not ten minutes earlier. Maglor had needed a break and so had he, but Maedhros had sent Maglor on his way, relegating his own needs and emotions to the bottom of the pile, shouldering the rest of the burden alone. And then he’d sought out another brother to try and help as well.

Ah shit.

Well he was in this now, best to follow it through and see what was up with Curufin.

Maedhros continued, ‘And don’t think I’ve noticed you’ve changed the subject so we’re talking about my issues now, and not yours. I am well aware of my issues thank you very much and I am in therapy for them. Are you?’

‘Touche,’ replied Curufin, ‘No, but I probably ought to be right?’

‘We should all go to therapy,’ said Maedhros diplomatically.

‘Even sweet Pityo?’

‘Again, we’re avoiding talking about your problem,’ cut in Maedhros, ‘Either tell me or don’t but don’t deflect.’

‘Alright fine...’

There was the longest pause as Curufin seemed to be struggling to either find the words or find the balls to tell Maedhros. Maedhros tried to not let his mind rush straight to worst case scenario and panic mode, but with every passing second Curufin was making it harder for him to hold back the spiralling. His heart was starting to thump loudly and his chest felt tight.

Then- ‘Meril’s pregnant… And she’s keeping the baby.’

Waves crashed rhythmically at the foot of the cliff, the breeze lifting up the smell of salt and spray from below.

Maedhros needed to process what his brother had just said.

Meril’s pregnant and she’s keeping the baby.

There’s going to be a baby.

Curvo’s going to be a father.

Maedhros had to say the thoughts in his mind several times over. This… was not the news he’d been expecting or fearing….at all. It suddenly all made sense. Curufin had always been more cutting than the rest of his brothers, but when he was stressed - and he usually got stressed when he was scared- he could become intolerable. Curvo’s basically a kid himself. Eru. This- this explains a LOT. Oh he must be terrified, and he probably felt like he couldn’t tell anyone.

Still, a baby!

‘Congratulations,’ said Maedhros genuinely.

His brother looked up at him in shock, ‘I- I thought you’d be mad.’

‘I’m surprised,’ responded Maedhros, ‘But a baby is such happy news. How are you feeling?’

Relief at sharing his secret was evident, words began pouring out of Curufin now, he didn’t seem able to stay still; he was pacing around the viewing spot. ‘I’m losing my fucking mind Nelyo. This- this wasn’t what I wanted, it’s her decision, but- no what I mean is I am happy – fuck. It’s just I’m twenty-one! I didn’t plan for- I didn’t expect- but I’m not a shithead. I won’t just ditch her. I don’t know whether we’ll stay together, we’re working through a lot right now. But I will be around for the baby, I want to be a present father. Fuck! Nelyo, I’m not ready to be an Atar!’

Maedhros looked kindly on his brother who was almost eleven years his junior. He obviously cared and was just terrified trying to work it all out.

‘If it’s any consolation, I’m thirty-two and I don’t feel ready to look after children either.’

‘Oh fuck off!’ cried Curufin, ‘You’ve been Atar material since Turko came along, and you had so much practice with the rest of us!’

‘Being an older brother who helps out with his siblings isn’t the same as-‘

‘You practically raised me and the twins!’ Curufin shouted, ‘Whereas me? I don’t have a fucking clue! What the fuck do I do?’

‘You ask for help Curvo,’ said Maedhros simply, ‘You ask for help.’

It was like all the air suddenly left his brother and Curufin visibly deflated. Maedhros moved in and gathered Curufin into a hug, surprised at how willingly his younger brother folded into him.

I can’t remember the last time I hugged you.

I remember the first time I held you though. At the hospital when Atar put you into my arms and told me to love you and protect you.

A memory of a pink baby with a shock of dark hair, face screwed up and screaming being placed into his arms, born a month early and so small. The moment when young Maitimo hushed and spoke softly and Curufin stilled, he wouldn’t calm as quick nor as easy for anyone else. Only Maitimo.

I’ll never stop loving and protecting you.

Because he could, because it had been so long and he didn’t know when he’d get the chance to again, Maedhros pressed a light kiss on the top of his brother’s head. It felt like he’d stolen something so precious, something he wasn’t allowed to have any more because Maitimo was dead and Curufin was all grown up and there were only thorns between them these days.

‘I don’t know what to do-‘ Curufin whispered into Maedhros’ chest.

‘It’s okay. None of us do, not really. I don’t think parenthood is a puzzle to be solved Curvo, it’s not one of your equations. It’s far too messy and complicated and scary to be that simple. But what I do know is that you are more than capable of being a father, and a good one.’

He felt Curufin shudder in his arms, choking on a sob.

‘You will be wonderful Curvo. I know you will. You have such a loving heart, you see the potential in everything and you’re such a good teacher. You’re going to love this baby so much, and really that’s the most important thing. Everything else you’ll figure out along the way. And you’ll make mistakes-‘

He felt Curufin scowl at that and Maedhros chuckled.

‘Yes- you will make mistakes, you will, it’s inevitable! But you’ll learn and grow, and your child will know they are loved, and they will be brilliant. Because you are brilliant.’

Curufin extracted himself from Maedhros’ embrace, turning to face the ocean. His cheeks were wet, and he wiped at them with his sleeve, looking so young Maedhros wanted to bundle him all up again as if he was five and crying because Celegorm in a fit of pique had decided to dump all of their homework books in the brook and Curufin actually enjoyed tracing over the letters and numbers and learning how to write.

There was a long pause, then, ‘You say all of this,’ started Curufin, now switching his gaze to look back at Maedhros. Gone were the watery eyes, replaced with all-too-familiar calculating ones instead. ‘And listen, you can talk the talk Nelyo, you’re such a bleeding heart it’s ridiculous. But be real with me, how much of this do you actually believe for yourself?’

Maedhros just stared. And really that was his mistake, allowing Curufin to continue.

‘Because,’ said Curufin, getting into his stride now, ‘You are also about to become an Atar. Yes I know it’s a foster carer officially, but let’s face it you’re going to become a parent, a father. And so do you believe you’ll be good enough?’

Maedhros was speechless. Curufin had once again correctly put his finger on the exact chink in Maedhros’ armour. Ever the expert at finding a weak spot and exploiting it, he’d turned a mirror on Maedhros and was holding it up, confronting him, saying I see you helping everyone but yourself, don’t think I don’t. This conversation which Maedhros had done well at the beginning to stay focused on his brother was now unravelling spectacularly and Maedhros was in freefall as Curufin pounced.

‘I- um-‘

‘Do you see what we see in you? Do you see the brother who’d stay up all night when one of us had a temperature? The one who took an interest in all of our hobbies, to the point he himself had no hobbies. Fuck Nelyo! You’re the one who gave me all your library credits so I could read A-level physics textbooks for fun over the Summer when I was twelve!’

‘Oh, I’d forgotten I did that,’ said Maedhros nostalgically, ‘I didn’t need them though, truly-‘

‘How can you not remember these things Nelyo?!’ cried Curufin. ‘Why do you doubt yourself? And I know, I can see how much you beat yourself up, how much you hate yourself sometimes, to the point of joining the fucking army, running away from all your issues and nearly getting yourself killed. So, you tell me, why should I believe anything you say if you don’t believe it for yourself?’

The silence was heavy between them. Maedhros’ defences were in shambles, he felt exposed, like Curufin had dipped under his guard and gone for his soft underbelly. Nothing Curufin said was untrue. He knew this. Cendis and he talked about it in therapy, how poor his self-esteem was. But she was an impartial observer and Curufin was his own kid brother, he made it far more personal just because of who he was. Metaphorically, Maedhros was bleeding, cut open by a few precise nicks from his needlepoint of a brother.

‘Because you should you know,’ added Curufin, throwing a boon to an injured Maedhros.

‘Should what?’ said Maedhros with not a little amount of trepidation.

‘Believe in yourself – god that sounds like fairytale bullshit - but seriously, if you can’t see what we all see in you, don’t try to lead us in life.’

Maedhros took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, looking into the middle distance and trying to order his scrambled mind, trust Curufin to put him through an emotional blender.

‘I- I’m not arguing with you,’ he said slowly after a pause, ‘It’s true even though it’s hard to hear. I accept you make very valid and relevant points. But you must concede I have a point as well. You will make an excellent father too.’ He might have to give ground to Curufin on a few things, but he wasn’t going to give way on his belief and support of his brother.

I wont budge on my faith in you Curvo. Puncture me all you want about my lack self-belief, but in my conviction in you? I am unmoved.

Curufin huffed, but seemed content with Maedhros’ response, ‘I guess our belief in each other has to be enough for now then,’ he mused.

‘I am working on my self-confidence,’ protested Maedhros, ‘I am in therapy.’

‘I know, I was perhaps a bit harsh.’

Maedhros knew that was probably as close to an apology he was going to get from Curufin for scouring his insides out.

‘You were honest,’ said Maedhros, ‘And perhaps I have not always been the greatest in role-modelling what healthy self-belief is, but I want to do better.’

Curufin sighed, ‘You are doing better. I can see it. Especially this last year. It just…it sucks to see you hate yourself. You’re…Eru Nelyo! I used to worship the ground you walked on….sometimes I even still do. And I know those kids are going to as well. You’re too good by half.’

‘Thank you Curvo,’ Maedhros mumbled. I will accept the compliment. I will accept the compliment. Don’t downplay it or brush it off. Just say thank you. This had been one of the first things Cendis had had him work on, being able to just say thank you to nice things that were said about him. It went against a lifetime habit of dismissing praise or compliments, but he was getting better. There’s humility and then there’s just beating yourself up with a shovel because someone happens to say they like something about you, and Maedhros had almost managed to bury the shovel.

Curufin was back to leaning on the railing, the strands of dark hair not in braids were getting tousled by the clifftop breeze. ‘I should probably go to therapy,’ he said after a while, ‘Or at least Meril and I should go to couples counselling or some shit. Like, we’re okay but we’re also not okay. I don’t know if I love her enough to want to continue the relationship, and that feels really shitty to say. But I never saw her as the One or whatever bullshit that is. But I care about her and want her to be okay. I care about the baby.’

‘Co-parenting healthily is the best outcome for everyone,’ replied Maedhros, his recent knowledge from the foster carer information packs was proving useful, ‘If you no longer want to be in a romantic relationship with her but want to stay friends and work towards a co-parent relationship I think that sounds really sensible. And getting professional support for that sounds like a great idea.’

Curufin nodded and leaned his head on his arms folded on the railing. His voice came out muffled, ‘I don’t- I can’t tell the others yet.’

‘I understand,’ said Maedhros, ‘How far along is Meril?’

‘Um, only like a few weeks, we were trying to work out her due date it’s around the beginning of May time.’

‘Okay,’ said Maedhros trying to work out a few dates in his head, ‘So you wouldn’t normally be telling people for a few months yet, not until the end of the first trimester.’

Curufin nodded into his arms, his face entirely obscured and his hair fluttering softly.

‘So you’ve got lots of time to prepare and then when you feel ready, you can share with the rest of the family.’

His brother lifted his head, ‘Can’t we just go until May and then tell them when the baby is here?’ he asked weakly.

Maedhros raised his eyebrows, ‘You think you can hide something like that for nine-months? From Ammë?’

‘Fuck. Good point. She’d murder me.’

‘Oh yes, you can’t deny her the excitement of her first grandchild. Stars Curvo, she’s going to be over the moon.’

‘Well, your twins are basically going to be her grandchildren as well,’ pointed out Curufin.

‘That’s true, she has already claimed them. But you still have to tell her.’

‘Will you be there?’ Curufin was looking at him with big eyes that he knew Maedhros was helpless to resist.

And he was right; Maedhros came to stand in close beside his brother, putting a hand on his shoulder. ‘Of course I will, and I can be there when you tell the rest of them too.’ Them meaning the rest of their unruly brothers, ‘They might make the odd joke, but I think you’ll find they’ll be excited. Don’t forget I was so nervous to tell you all about Elros and Elrond and you’ve all been so supportive.’

Curufin snorted, ‘Well, except me. Sorry for being such a dick.’

‘You understandably have a lot on your plate right now, and I can see how us calling a family meeting, insisting you come to a funeral of an unknown cousin and letting you know we are fostering two small children was not the most welcome news in the context.’

‘Still could have been nicer though.’

Maedhros shrugged, ‘How are you feeling now?’

‘Still shitting the bed, but I feel better for having told you. Thanks Nelyo.’

‘You know I’m here for you always anytime-‘

‘Not anytime, fucking hell, we just talked about this! Put some boundaries in, please.’

That tugged a laugh from Maedhros chest, and it felt so nice after the heavy sadness of the funeral. It felt like a poetic way to round out the day, with news that there would be brand new life in their family.

Together, he and Curufin walked back up to the Crematorium to rejoin their mother and brothers.

~

Finding a car parking space was a nightmare but eventually Maedhros managed to get parked up at the beach along with the others. The Ambarussa had ditched Celegorm and strapped themselves into the back of Maedhros’ car for the short drive down before Maedhros had even sat down in the driver’s seat.

He supposed he should be flattered they wanted to spend more time with him, but he suspected it was more likely they didn’t want to be stuck in a car with Celegorm any longer than they had too.

Now, however, they were slamming the car doors shut and racing each other to the steps down to the sand, leaping the final few stairs and throwing their shoes against the promenade wall as they ran onto the beach.

Maedhros shook his head amused at their enthusiasm. He grabbed his phone, wallet and keys and went to pay the machine for the parking. He’d taken off his uniform jacket and tie now the funeral was over and thrown his favourite red sweater over the top of his shirt. It was nice to be out of the military attire; he felt his entire posture relax.

He found himself in step with his Ammë as he made his way down to the beach following the rest of his brothers - all sans Maglor - who were now running around like absolute loons.

‘Do you remember us bringing you here as a child Maitimo?’ she asked.

‘I do yeah,’ he replied, ‘It’s been on my mind a lot that visit. I remember playing with Eärendil in the rock pools.’ Maedhros toed off his shoes and picked them up to carry in his left hand, but Nerdanel gestured for him to put them in her tote bag along with hers and after much insisting on her part he handed her his shoes.

‘He was a ray of sunshine that boy,’ said Nerdanel with a fond look, ‘Very happy, all the time, don’t think he cried once the entire week we were here. I remember asking Idril how she’d done it.’

‘Oh, were Kàno and I that bad?’

‘Of course not!’ she laughed then, ‘Only you were such a serious child at times Maitimo, it’s always so lovely when others bring out your smiley side, my handsome baby.’

‘Amya,’ Maedhros ducked his head and blushed.

‘I’m only telling the truth darling!’ She leaned into him and put her arm around him, giving him a squeeze. They began to walk along the beach more towards the city centre, the rest of his brothers who were making a lot of noise behind them would follow, or they wouldn’t. Maedhros didn’t really care right now, he just wanted some time with his Ammë.

‘I wish I’d known Eärendil better,’ said Maedhros, ‘And Elwing.’

‘I know,’ sighed Nerdanel, ‘I regret not making more of an effort to reunite our families. I guess time just slipped away from us and we had our own lives, and they had theirs. And your Atar was not always the best at offering olive branches.’

‘No,’ said Maedhros carefully, ‘No he wasn’t.’ There was too much to unpack there. Yeah not gonna think about Atar and how he handled difficult situations right now, that is for therapy and another day.

His Ammë continued, ‘Seeing Tuor today was difficult, I don’t know if you remember him much, but he was such an outgoing, confident man. He and your father got on well,’ she laughed then at a memory, ‘They stayed up late one night drinking spiced rum! Oh their heads were hurting the next day!’

As they walked along the firm sand dodging lines of washed-up seaweed, Nerdanel shared some more of her memories from their trip to Sirion when Maglor and Maedhros had been young. Maedhros tried to soak them up like a sponge. These would be good stories to share with Elros and Elrond when they were ready.

‘But tell me, how did meeting the twins go?’ asked Nerdanel, trying and failing to get her red hair out of her face, a strong breeze gusting over the beach.

‘It went well I think,’ replied Maedhros, they were about to cross some shallow pools of seawater so he bent to roll the cuffs of his trousers up. ‘We had fun playing some games, we ate dinner together then Elros and I coloured, oh and I read to Elrond as well.’

‘That sounds wonderful. I can’t wait to meet them properly, tell me more about them?’

Maedhros spent the little while describing to his mother about what he’d observed about his cousin’s personalities and what he’d been told by Rehta, Fae and Athenir.

She watched him as he spoke and he paused, halfway through telling her about Elros taking the pen cap off for him. ‘-What?’ he asked, confused.

‘Oh Maitimo, I don’t think I’ve seen you this happy, this alive in years,’ she said warmly.

Maedhros opened his mouth to speak, then stopped, he found he didn’t know what to say. Am I happy? I’m nervous, I’m terrified of getting things wrong with the twins….but I suppose I did enjoy myself last night spending time with them.

‘The way you talk about them, you love them so much already,’ she said, ‘Your face just lights up.’

‘How could I not love them Amya?’ said Maedhros helplessly, ‘They’re amazing, and kind and thoughtful and they’re family.’

‘Yes, yes they are,’ she said smiling even wider and hugging him again, ‘You are going to be a great caregiver to them. After the sadness of today I know Eärendil and Elwing wouldn’t wish their children to be with anyone else.’

‘And you’ll be a grandma!’

‘Oh I know!’  Nerdanel’s hazel eyes gleamed, catching the sun and shining it back at him, ‘I cannot wait! My first grandbabies! Idril told me you had photos, I need to see them as babies!’

In his mind, Maedhros thought of the baby on the way inside Curufin’s girlfriend’s belly. Curufin did not need to worry about telling their mother another grandchild was on the way, if this was how ecstatic she was over their cousins joining the family. Maedhros didn’t say anything of course. He’d been sworn to secrecy, even from Maglor for the time being, on the condition that once they’d had the first pregnancy scan, he’d be the first of the brothers to know. Maedhros didn’t want to keep a secret from Maglor but at the same time, it wasn’t his news to share.

They talked some more, Nerdanel had endless questions about the little twins, soaking up all the information hungrily and getting excited when Maedhros showed her some photos he had saved to his phone of Elros and Elrond when they were much younger.

Just as he was flicking through another batch of photos Idril had sent over, he was interrupted by Amras leaping onto his back.

‘Nelyo! We’re doing piggyback races and I’m claiming you!’

‘You- hang on!’ Maedhros cried, trying to shake his younger brother off, ‘I did not agree to this!’

‘Don’t be a pussy-‘ then ‘Sorry Amya!’ cried Caranthir, trotting up with Amrod on his back and behind them Maedhros could see Curufin clambering onto Celegorm’s back. ‘Don’t be a wuss Nelyo, you might not have a hand anymore, but you’ve still got two working legs.’

Amras was clinging onto his back like a limpet, Maedhros was unable to shake him.

‘Pityo, come on! I’m not racing!’

‘Yes-you-are!’

‘Maitimo you’re a nice even number right now,’ pointed out Nerdanel.

Maedhros looked at her in horror, ‘My own Ammë?!’ he exclaimed as the others all sniggered.

‘Pleeeaaaassseeeee?’ whined Amras, ‘Please Nelyo, I’ll buy you an ice cream.’

‘You couldn’t buy me ten ice creams-‘

‘Oh stop being all high and mighty Nelyo, just say you scared of losing,’ said Celegorm baring his teeth in a smile, baiting him.

Maedhros was not getting out of this, he could see he was going to be bullied into it from all sides. However, he did have some tricks up his sleeve. He continued to make a show of reluctance and then called out, ‘Look there’s Kàno, he can take my place,’ and then when Caranthir and Celegorm were distracted he scooped his arms under Amras’ legs and set off at a hard run.

Amras was laughing with pure delight as Maedhros’ tactic paid off and he had a decent head-start.

Oh I’ve seen it all before he thought with amusement. They forget I was the one who taught them all these tricks.

‘That was brilliant Nelyo!’ cried Amras, ‘We’re going to that rock over there and back to Amya, first one to give her a kiss wins.’

‘That’s miles!’ Maedhros puffed.

‘Just keep going I’ll tell you if they get close, Turko’s coming up quickly but Curvo’s heavier than Telvo and Moryo has not been skipping leg day we need to watch out for him!’

‘You forget I’ve been skipping everything,’ panted Maedhros, the rock he was supposed to be aiming for was still a fair ways off. It was sort of true, he didn’t train in the gym anymore, they did have some home gym equipment but the only exercises he did besides a jog on the treadmill a few times a week were his rehab ones for his balance and arm strength. He was nowhere near the physical fitness he’d had before he was captured and injured. Already he found himself flagging.

‘Right, well we’ll play dirty then,’ said Amras, ever the budding tactician; taking after Maedhros’ own heart, ‘who should I target?’

‘They need to take out each other,’ said Maedhros in between gulping lungful’s of breath, his legs were starting to ache, Pityo he may be called but he was nineteen and heavy. Gone were the days where Maedhros could be a walking climbing frame and have three or even four brothers on him at a time. ‘We are currently the target. I’ll slow deliberately to get a second wind.’

‘See this is why you got all your medals,’ said Amras jokingly. Then, playing into the ruse, he shouted, ‘Oh don’t slow now Nelyo keep going!’

Maedhros’ tactic worked but a little too well. He was overtaken by a gleeful Celegorm and a vengeful Caranthir at the rock, but he managed to stay with them only a few paces behind on the return leg. As he predicted, the two jockeys were trying to dislodge each other the entire way back and right as they came up to their mother -who was used to her sons’ antics and was waiting patiently where they left her on the beach – they collided and all four went crashing into the sand. Maedhros tried to dodge but was taken out by a mess of limbs and he too went flying.

Amras, somehow anticipating the collision managed to leap off Maedhros’ back just in time and whilst stumbling, remained upright to claim his winner’s kiss.

Maedhros landed heavily, his brain telling his body to put out both hands to catch his fall but of course he only had one hand, and so he sprawled and went down face first.

His brothers, mid-argument about who’s fault it was as to who tripped who, suddenly sprung into action, fights forgotten, to help him up.

‘Nelyo!’

‘Are you alright?’

‘Pull him up!’

Maedhros sat up spitting sand. Someone was hauling him up, arms around his torso, other hands were brushing him down, rubbing sand off his jumper. A soft material, turning out to be Celegorm’s shirt was wiping sand off his face.

It would have been sweet had it not been monumentally embarrassing. Maedhros could feel his face burning red.

‘Are you alright darling?’ his Ammë’s voice was laced with concern.

‘I’m fine’ he insisted, planting his feet and standing steadily upright. He batted away hands and the fussing around him, ‘I’m fine, stop, stop.’

‘Okay fine, we won’t help you next time you eat shit,’ said Celegorm, flinging his now sandy shirt over his bare shoulder.

‘I- thank you,’ Maedhros said, ‘But I’m fine now, honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I guess my brain forgot I only have one hand now.’ It was true, he was unhurt, apart from his bruised ego, he dreaded to think how it had looked, him tumbling over and face-planting the beach.

‘Why don’t we go and get ice creams?’ suggested their Ammë. Maedhros was grateful for the distraction as they set off back to the promenade and the ice cream van singing its merry tune to lure customers in.

They were met with Maglor as they waited in line at the van, Maedhros had text him their location when Maglor said he was close by. Maglor had changed out of his suit and was now wearing a dark purple sweater and black jeans. His hair was still in formal braids. He looked a little refreshed, but Maedhros still noticed the tightening around his eyes and his bitten lip.

‘What happened to you?’ Maglor asked, taking in Maedhros’ dishevelled appearance. The sand was mostly gone from his clothes now, but Maedhros knew he’d need to shower before bed to get it all out of his hair.

‘Don’t want to talk about it,’ he said gruffly.

‘He decided he wanted to eat sand,’ said Celegorm walking past them- still shirtless even with the beach breeze - with three ice creams and a slushed ice -apparently all for himself, ‘We told him he’s too old to do that now he’s forty-‘

‘I will murder you in your sleep-‘ threatened Maedhros, but it was no use, Celegorm was walking off, unbothered.

‘Huh? Are you okay?’ asked Maglor worry lacing his tone, ‘I’ll get the ice creams Nelyo, you sit down if you need to.’

‘I already got you one!’ said Amras, coming to stand next to Maedhros, holding out an ice cream with two flakes in it.

‘Pityo-‘

‘It was my fault you crashed, take it. I did promise you an ice cream for taking part in the race.’

‘Thanks,’ said Maedhros, his argument that it was not at all Amras’ fault dying on his tongue as the cone was thrust into his left hand. It turned out Amrod had gone one for Maglor and their Ammë too.

They all sat on the edge of the promenade eating their ice creams. Which of course prompted Nerdanel to want to take photos of them. Between Curufin scowling, Celegorm’s refusal to put his shirt back on and Maedhros’ sandy hair they made for a motley crew but at least their mother was happy to have them all together.

And Maedhros was too. He was almost over his embarrassment, the double flake was helping. He and Maglor were sat off to the side of their brothers; Maedhros had finally managed to convince Amras who hadn’t stopped hovering since his fall, that he really was fine now.

‘Did the nap help?’ Maedhros asked Maglor in between bites of his ice cream.

‘Yes the nap and the walk helped a lot. How are you doing besides, you know, getting covered in sand?’ Maglor asked in return. ‘I realised I just kinda left earlier and you probably could have come with me and napped as well. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s fine. I am just kind of holding it together, at least I can count on the others for distraction.’

‘True, but it’s been a hell of a week and a really difficult day. I want to make sure you’re looking after yourself.’

‘Thanks Kàno. I realised I was putting several things before my own wellbeing today and so after this I will collapse into bed.’

‘Wow,’ said Maglor seeming impressed, ‘How did you come to that conclusion?’

‘A bruising conversation with Curvo,’ said Maedhros quietly, but he needn’t have worried about being overheard, the rest of his brothers were having a spirited discussion of who would survive longest on a desert island out of the seven of them. Whilst they couldn’t agree who’d win, they all seemed to be in agreement Maglor would perish first.

Maglor pointedly ignored them ‘Oh? Did you at least find out why he’s been such a little shit recently?’

‘I did and I can’t share it with you, but between the comments about my poor-self esteem and my lack of boundary setting, I did realise that I’d put everyone’s needs before my own today.’

Maglor huffed, ‘Well, you’ll hear no argument from me about you being kinder to yourself and taking it easier. But also, if you need me to punch him for you I can do.’

Maedhros shook his head and huffed out a laugh at Maglor’s protectiveness ‘No thanks Kàno. Curvo’s got a lot on right now. And I’m fine. Really, I am.’

Or, well, I know I’m not, but I will be. Therapy on Monday is going to be fun.

Maglor didn’t look fully convinced; he had the same expression Amras had fifteen minutes earlier.

‘Let me enjoy my ice cream Kàno, and then I’ll go defend your honour in this stupid conversation they’re having. Do you have any survival skills at all do you reckon?’

And so it was Maedhros rounded out the day with his family on the beach eating ice creams and then later Caranthir ordered pizza, and they sat watching the sun dip low on the horizon.

Chapter Text

Elrond

*

Elros was in big trouble. The drive back to Fae and Athenir’s house was pretty much silent, especially after ‘We will talk about this when we get home Elros,’ being the last thing to come out of Athenir’s mouth after he finished strapping them into their car seats and getting into the front seat to drive them home.

Elrond kept glancing over at Elros. But Elros was stubbornly looking out of the car window and not at him. Even when Elrond reached out kind fingers to his brother, Elros only snatched his hand away and put it in his lap.

Elrond had thought Elros would be happy to be at football, it was Sunday morning, and it was their practice session for their football club. It was the only thing they still did from before. They hadn’t gone back to school since the summer holidays were over, but Elros’ love for football and Elrond’s love for his brother meant that they still went on a Sunday morning and played with the other children there.

It was bearable. There wasn’t much talking, it was just playing. And now they had Athenir taking them instead of the neighbour kids’ dad so not much was changed. In the past, Naneth didn’t used to be able to come on Sunday mornings because that’s when she worked, so Elros and Elrond used to go and play football all morning and they were brought back to the flat afterwards.

Elrond didn’t miss her at football, he wasn’t looking over to the side of the pitch for her like he was everywhere else. He sometimes thought he saw her, out of the corner of his eye but when he turned his head she wasn’t there.

So this morning Elrond had run out onto the pitch to do the warm-up running and the practice dribbling around the cones and had tried to focus on what his feet were doing and not what his tummy was making him feel. He’d hardly managed breakfast that morning; just a banana and a slice of buttered toast. But it meant he wasn’t paying attention to Elros and that was the problem.

He’d thought Elros would be happy. But Elros wasn’t. He was so unhappy.

And then Elros pushed over Siân and she’d cried. And then Elros had cried as well and he’d lain on the wet turf screaming and kicking his arms and legs. Elrond had tried to give him a hug, to hold him, to tell him it was okay, anything to help calm him down but Elros had even kicked him too.

Elrond knew he hadn’t meant it, but it had still hurt. Athenir had had to pick Elros up and carry him off the pitch. Elrond had just followed, all the way to the car.

The water bottles.

He’d forgotten their water bottles. They were still on the side of the pitch. Would they just be left there, or would someone take them? Was he going to be in trouble too?

‘I forgot the water bottles,’ he said out loud, his heart was racing in his chest.

‘Elrond? Sorry what did you say?’ asked Athenir, glancing to look back at Elrond in the central car mirror. He didn’t sound cross. Elrond wondered if he was waiting to shout at them when they got home.

‘I forgot the water bottles,’ Elrond repeated, a little louder. His voice sounded funny. He realised it was the first time he’d spoken today. And yesterday, and even the day before-

‘Oh that’s okay Elrond, I can text the coach and he can put them away and we can collect them next week, don’t worry about them it’s fine. Thank you for telling me though, that was good.’

Elrond still felt worry, he twisted his hands in his lap.

They were getting closer to Fae and Athenir’s house now, only a few more turns and they’d be back. Elros was still resolutely looking out of the window.

Elrond looked out of his window too. The leaves on the trees were starting to turn a golden yellow. As the car drove past they all became a blur of warm colours. It was very pretty. After yellow the leaves would go brown and fall off and it was fun for a few days whilst they were crunchy, but then they got wet and turned to brown sludge on the pavements. That was less pretty and less fun.

Autumn also meant conkers. Elrond supposed that they wouldn’t play conkers this year because they weren’t at school. But he could still collect them. He liked how smooth and shiny they felt in his hands.

Naneth said if you put them on the windowsill it kept out spiders. Naneth was terrified of spiders. Elrond didn’t mind them, he’d collect them up in his hands and drop them back out of the window whilst she ran out of the room. Adar had said they would be fine, they had lots of legs to land on.

Naneth wasn’t fine though. She’d gone out of the window and hadn’t come back.

Elrond felt his chest get tight and he took in a gulp of air. His cheeks were wet; he was crying again.

Naneth wasn’t coming back. She’d been put into a coffin, and they’d taken her away. He didn’t really remember the funeral, he just remembered looking at the box Naneth was in, covered in flowers, and the photographs of her on the table. He hadn’t seen her face in over a week and once he’d seen the photos he hadn’t wanted to look away.

I just want to see her.

Mam Idril had been there, and she’d given Elros a hug but it wasn’t enough; he’d ended up screaming and crying anyway. And Elrond didn’t want hugs unless they were from Naneth. Dâd Tuor hadn’t seem to know who they were, he looked very confused and had been in a wheelchair.

Maedhros and Maglor had also been there and lots of other people who Elrond didn’t know. Was I supposed to?

Maglor had played the piano - Elrond had watched his hands create magic and craft beautiful music that had somehow danced through the room. Sound that had held its hands out and seemed to say let me wrap you up, let me give you a hug and dry your tears. Elrond, unable to look anywhere but Naneth’s photos and her casket had felt embraced by the music, had felt understood, the music knew his pain and was trying to soothe it.

Elrond tried to remember the music now, to find some comfort in it as his nose got sniffly and his eyes blinked as more tears fell down his cheeks. But he couldn’t recall any of the notes.

Instead, he thought about how at the end of the service Maedhros had come close and told Elrond that he and Maglor still wanted Elros and he to come and live with them.

But now Elros was in so much trouble. It was hard to believe anyone would want them. Unless they were going to split them up? But Athenir and Fae and Rehta had told them they were going to stay together. He wasn’t going to be taken away from Elros or Elros be taken away from him. They’d promised.

There were tissues in the back of the car. Elrond reached for them and blew his nose. This caused Elros to look over at him and now it was Elros who reached out kind fingers to him.

He took them instantly. He always would.

Elrond wiped his eyes on the damp tissue and held Elros’ hand the rest of the car journey home.

Maybe later today he would ask Athenir if they could go and collect conkers.

After whatever was coming Elros’ way was over.

~

It turned out Elros didn’t get yelled at. Instead Athenir sat down with him on the sofa and explained why his behaviour had been unacceptable and why they’d had to leave football practice. Elros was understandably very upset and he cried some more but he didn’t throw anything or push anyone. Athenir held him and gave him a hug, telling him it was okay to be upset and feeling sad, but that it was not okay to throw things or hurt people.

Elros was only to be allowed to go back to football practice if he apologised to Siân; Athenir was going to call her mum and Elros could say he was sorry down the phone.

Elros was really very sorry, Elrond knew he was because his voice went very quiet and serious. Elrond could hear the entire conversation from where he sat on the bottom step of the stairs. His knees were pulled up to his chest as he listened to his brother in the other room talking to Athenir.

Elrond wormed hands up to his face and wiped at the tears. It hurt so much. Elros was sad and in pain and he, Elrond was sad and in pain. And he didn’t know how to make it go away for either of them.

There were moments when he forgot. When playing a game or reading or snuggling up with Elros in bed, where there was a peace from the sadness. But it always came back.

Naneth was gone but the hole she left was massive and Elrond felt like he was at the bottom of it and even though Elros was here with him, they couldn’t get out, not on their own and not even together. It had been worse since the funeral. Since they’d had to say goodbye to Naneth’s body. Before the funeral it had felt like some weird, horrible vacation, but that she was going to come and collect them, ringing the doorbell and turning up on Fae and Athenir’s doorstep, and they’d rush to her open arms and be held tightly as she called them her dearest babies.

But Elrond had stared at the box with her body in it, with the flowers on top and the photographs and heard the music and realised she really wasn’t ever coming back. She wasn’t going to collect them from school or take them to the corner shop to get sweets or come to Fae and Athenir’s house to hold them.

Athenir said her spirit was still here, that she was in their hearts, and her love for them and their love for her would always be there.

But I want her to be here. She’s our Naneth. My Naneth.

 She was in the corner of Elrond’s eye but when he looked for her she vanished, and he was reminded again. He was in the blankness of it all.

The door to the living room opened and Elrond was startled from his thoughts. He looked up to find Elros staring at him.

‘I’m sorry for kicking you,’ he said.

‘I’m okay,’ said Elrond, he was. He knew Elros hadn’t meant it.

‘Can I give you a hug?’ Elros asked.

‘Well done for asking Elros,’ said Athenir, he was also now looking at Elrond. ‘You don’t have to say yes to a hug if you don’t want to Elrond.’

‘Yes,’ it was always yes with Elros. And then his brother was pulling him up into a hug and holding him. They slotted together perfectly, the same height, the same arms. Elrond pushed his nose into Elros’s shoulder. He didn’t want hugs unless they were from Naneth or Elros.

~

Fae had been out that morning doing a big food shop and Elrond and Elros helped her take the tins and packets out of the bags and put them away into the cupboards. She praised them for doing such a good job and even stacking the tins all the right way so their labels faced outwards  showing clearly what was inside. Elrond felt pleased at that because that had been his idea and Elros had done the same once he’d seen what Elrond was doing.

Lunch was tomato soup with crusty bread. Elrond found some appetite after all and was able to eat a full bowl of soup, aided with the fun of dipping the bread into the soup until it went soft. There was even yoghurt for pudding, Elros picked raspberry and Elrond picked apricot. They didn’t have mango flavoured yoghurt - he’d asked Athenir - but it was tasty all the same.

‘Boys, before you run and go play outside I wondered if you would like to do something special?’ Fae asked as she took away their plates and put them in the dishwasher.

Elros was already halfway out the door, itching to be outside and playing in the garden. Seeing as their football practice got cut short this morning he was eager to kick the ball about and let off some steam. He hovered on his tiptoes.

‘What is it?’ he asked.

‘Maglor texted me-’ said Fae, holding up her phone. Elrond’s ears pricked up at this. His immediate thought was one of dread. What did Maglor say? Does he not want us to come and live with them anymore?

‘-And he said that it’s Maedhros’ birthday on Wednesday - that’s in a few days. And we thought it might be fun if you could make some birthday cards for him. What do you think?’

Elrond was relieved it was something nice and not something horrible. Now that Elros wasn’t in trouble maybe it was all still fine for them to go and live with Maedhros and Maglor.

‘Is he having a party?’ Elros had come back into the kitchen fully now, his interest piqued.

Fae laughed, ‘I don’t know! Grown-ups don’t always have birthday parties-‘

‘What?!’ cried Elros, outraged.

‘I know! It’s terrible,’ Fae was smiling, ‘But I know he’d love to have cards from both of you. If we do them today, we can post them tomorrow and they’ll arrive in time for him to open them on his birthday. How’s that? We can even video call him on his birthday if you like?’

‘Yeah!’ cried Elros enthusiastically, and Elrond found himself nodding too.

He liked Maedhros and Maglor a lot. When they had visited they’d brought them presents and played games with them and then both Maglor and Maedhros had read to Elrond. He’d had his book read twice. Usually Naneth only read them one book once. It had felt like a real treat.

And even though Maedhros only had one hand it wasn’t scary! Elrond still wasn’t sure he believed them when they said pirates and dragons had taken it. At the funeral Maedhros had been in an army uniform and had medals pinned on his chest. Elrond had found him a bit intimidating at first, but then Maedhros had smiled and given them fist bumps and Elrond was reminded how nice he was. He wondered what the medals were for, maybe he lost his hand in a battle thought Elrond. Maybe he was fighting, and it got chopped off. He frowned at that.

But then he decided it didn’t really matter how Maedhros had lost his hand because over the course of the evening Maedhros had done everything fine with just one hand. He’d played the games and coloured and read the snail book and even done all different voices for it! Maglor had done voices too, Elrond wasn’t sure who had done it better, he’d liked both versions.

Elrond found himself being dragged into the living room by Elros to grab the colouring pens and paper.

Fae folded the paper for them neatly and said they could draw all over the front and she would write the messages they wanted inside.

‘Can we write our names?’ asked Elrond. Before the Summer he’d been working hard on writing his name. I hope I can still remember how to do it.

‘Of course you can!’ said Fae cheerfully, ‘How about you practice on this piece of paper here Elrond? And then when you are happy you can write your name in the card.’

They set about getting the pens. Elros was talking excitedly about drawing more helicopters. He was obsessed with the fact that Maedhros had flown in the sky to all sorts of places. Elrond also thought it was really cool, but he didn’t want to draw helicopters on his birthday card for Maedhros.

He sat quietly as he tried to think of what might be nice to go on the card. For their birthday this year Elrond had got a card with penguins on -his favourite animal- and Elros had got one with cats -his favourite.

He tried to remember what Maedhros’ favourite animal was, Maglor’s favourite were horses.

‘Do you remember what Maedhros’ favourite animal was?’ he asked Elros who was busy colouring in his card.

‘An eagle!’ said Elros confidently.

‘That’s right! Well remembered Elros,’ said Fae, ‘Maedhros said he liked birds a lot and his favourite one was an eagle.’

‘What do eagles look like?’ Elrond was now wondering if they’d be hard to draw.

Fae pulled a photo up on her phone for him to see. The eagle on the screen had massive orange eyes and brown feathers. It was only a few colours, so he didn’t think it would be that hard to draw. Fae propped her phone up and Elrond started to draw an eagle on his card.

Elros was done before him and Fae helped write the message inside for Maedhros.  Elros signed the card with a scribble, not really bothering to try and do his name properly. And then he was off outside to burn off some energy.

Fae was putting Elros’ card into an envelope and digging around for a stamp in her purse whilst Elrond continued working on his eagle. He sat back and looked at it. It had brown feathers and orange eyes, and he was really happy with it, he hoped Maedhros would be too. Then he thought the eagle might be lonely and so added in two penguins at the bottom of the page. Then if he was going to be doing his favourite animal he thought maybe he should do Elros’ and Maglor’s too so he added in a cat and a horse as well. The horse was tricky but he managed it.

‘Let’s see Elrond,’ said Fae, leaning over the coffee table. Elrond held his picture up dutifully to show her.

‘That’s absolutely fantastic poppet!’ she said brightly with a wide smile, ‘You’ve got so many animals on there, everyone’s favourites. I know Maedhros will absolutely love it!’

‘Really?’ asked Elrond eagerly, he gave the card to Fae and she took a pen and held it over the inside page.

‘Oh absolutely! Now what would you like me to write inside the card? Shall we say, Dear Maedhros, Happy Birthday and then what else?’

She looked at Elrond expectantly, he thought hard for a long moment. ‘Can we play the penguin game next time they come?’

‘Do you want me to write that? Or is it a question for me?’

‘For the card,’ replied Elrond. They had only got to play hungry hippos with Maglor and Maedhros and hadn’t even opened Elrond’s game yet. It was in his and Elros’ bedroom, waiting to be played with. Elrond had stared for a long time at the cover of the box and wondered how Maedhros had known his favourite animal was a penguin. It felt so special.

‘Of course! I shall write, I would like to play the penguin game with you next time we are together, how about that? And anything else?’

‘Thank you for reading the snail book with me,’ added Elrond thinking on how Maedhros had read the book to him, and how they were both left-handed and Jeremy the snail was also left-shelled.

‘Perfect, I will write that now…there we go! And then I shall put from and here, you can write your name in this space.’ She pointed to a blank spot in the card and Elrond took the pen and very carefully, as best he could, wrote his name neatly on the page.

Fae told him it was an excellent signature, causing Elrond to glow with the praise. Adding his card to the envelope alongside Elros’ -so they arrived at the same time- she sealed it and pressed on the stamp. They’d go to the post office tomorrow to send it off.

Elrond thought about the cards travelling in the post all the way to Maedhros and Maglor’s house. Rehta had told them it was very far away and wasn’t by the sea. Elrond couldn’t imagine it, he and Elros had never left Sirion. He thought back on Adar’s stories, because their Adar had travelled all around the world, delightedly telling them about all the different places he’d visited. He’d made it sound so exciting. And Maedhros had travelled a lot too, he probably had lots of stories as well. Elrond wanted to hear them all.

~

That night as Elrond cuddled with Elros in the same bed, legs tangled together, foreheads almost touching on the same pillow, he found some of the melody from Maglor’s piano playing wafting around his mind. He fell asleep to the soothing music, a balm on his little broken heart.

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

A blackbird’s warbling trill woke Maedhros up on the morning of his thirty-third birthday. The winding notes forming a haphazard but enthusiastic tune that patterned through the window, ahead of the dawn.

Maedhros blinked in the gloom of his room, his eyes flicking to the clock which told him it was five to six in the morning.

That’s not bad, all things considered.

Ever since the trip to Sirion his nightmares had ramped up and he’d experienced several more flashbacks. That night he’d initially fallen asleep but had kept waking up every hour or so from dark, twisting dreams causing his heart to race and leaving him sweating and gasping for breath.

Eventually, with the aid of grounding exercises, some sleep aid and the knowledge that Maglor was only across the landing should he need him, Maedhros had managed to calm enough to fall back asleep for a longer spell. Mercifully, there was only dreamless sleep for the remainder of the night, but a feeling of unease was in his mind now he was awake, lingering inside him like an ink blot unable to be erased.

It was a somewhat reasonable hour so he decided he might as well be up. Rootling around in the bedside drawer Maedhros took out his many meds and swallowed each them with a glass of water. His stomach protested and he had to take a few minutes to breath though emerging nausea. The worst of it subsided and he was once again reminded that not all of the damage from his capture could be seen.

Today, he dressed in brown trousers and a white shirt with his favoured ochre cardigan for warmth. Freshly washed it smelled comfortingly of the fabric softener he preferred. With his feet in his cosy slippers, he made his way down to the kitchen as it was just getting light. It was an overcast day, the grey clouds hung heavy in the sky and there was a layer of mist across the garden lawn; autumn was well and truly in Amon Ereb now. The tall trees that denoted the far boundary of the garden were turning russet and golden and littered the lawn in fallen leaves.

Maedhros found he didn’t want to face food this morning. Instead he brewed up a cup of ginger and honey tea hoping it would settle his stomach and took it into the library.

Situated on the ground floor of the house, the library was his sanctuary. It was bright thanks to a large window overlooking the front garden and driveway but also cosy with soft furnishings, warm colours on the walls and a thick rug on the floor. Three of the walls were lined with bookshelves and an impressive collection of books that Maedhros had part inherited from his father, part built up himself.

Maglor would tease Maedhros about his desire to be well read being a jealous symptom of missing out on university but in truth Maedhros had just always liked reading. He liked history, philosophy and politics mostly, and there were books on each and all three topics, neatly organised and categorised across the bookshelves.

There was one shelf entirely dedicated to books on engineering, hand-selected from his father’s collection, two on materials engineering specifically had been authored by Fëanor Noldoran himself, Maedhros hardly touched them unless it was to open to the first page and thumb over his Atar’s heartfelt dedication and looping signature.

Some of the shelves had souvenirs and photos Maedhros had picked up from his travels when he was in the army. One was a framed photo of his passing out, a twenty-year old Maedhros smiling out of the photo in his military dress uniform, his Ammë and Atar at his side.

A large geode that Celegorm had gifted him stood proudly on a shelf, sparkling in the lamplight. Maedhros had a sneaking suspicion his brother had quarried it himself and walked off with it from the Himlad National Park where he worked as a Ranger, but as with most things about Celegorm questions weren’t worth pursuing. Maedhros was grateful for the gift, it was a stunning amethyst geode, the inside a myriad of purple crystals refracting the light.

And finally, on a shelf resting in a glass case, was a tiny nondescript rock - a piece of meteorite gifted to him from Amras as a thank you for all the stargazing trips Maedhros took him on. It was probably Maedhros’ most prized possession. At only 1cm in diameter it was miniscule and to the untrained eye would look like a rock anyone could pick up from their garden, but it was in fact a piece from the meteorite which had landed in on a driveway of a house in the suburbs of Amon Rûdh. By sheer luck Ambarussa had been in the city that day looking at prospective universities and Amras, through some quick wit and shameless charm had managed to boldly blag his way past a police cordon to recover a shard on the pavement less than an hour before the scientists showed up and carted the main chunk of the meteor off to the Natural History Museum. His brother had gifted it straight to Maedhros without hesitation and Maedhros had -with much protesting - eventually accepted. Pityo thinks it’s a thanks for all those times I froze my arse off in a wet field with him, thought Maedhros but I’d do it all over again, anytime. It was a joy to see his joy, to nurture his passion and to be his confidante when he needed someone to talk to. Anytime, always.

Maedhros hardly glanced at the bookshelves as he entered the library. After turning on a side lamp he sat down with a heavy sigh on one of the sofas, settling himself against the armrest propped up with cushions and his long legs stretched out. He sipped at his tea, the heat of the ginger warm on his tongue. He still felt very spaced out, despite his efforts to ground himself. After a few long moments Maedhros set down his tea and reached for the book he’d left on the coffee table, one about the pre-history of Beleriand and tried to pick up where he’d last left off, hoping the distraction would help.

He couldn’t remember reading more than a few pages when the flashback ripped its way into his mind.

‘Bet you’d love to eat some of this now wouldn’t ya?’ came a maliciously taunting voice.

Maedhros blinked, one of his eyes stuck shut with dried blood from where they’d hit him over the head.

He didn’t even try to lift his face to look, he just stayed gazing at the floor, his one eye focused in on the muddy boots of the soldiers in the room. The carpet had had some sort of pattern once upon a time, but now it was stained with Eru knows what, brown filth replacing the design in a multitude of soiled hues.

This room would have been nice too once. The penthouse suite of the Thangorodrim Hotel, jewel of Angband City, haven for tourists. Now it was wrecked, anything of worth ransacked, furniture upended, mirrors smashed - shards of glass strewn over the mud-sodden carpet, stamped into the fibres, a treacherous no-man’s land to anyone barefoot. Gutted, the room’s only function now seemed to be to be Maedhros’ prison and torture chamber.

Maedhros didn’t need to look up anyway; he could smell the food. And after days of only sips of foul tasting drain water that made his guts spasm, his stomach betrayed him and rumbled.

The soldiers laughed in his humiliation. Maedhros didn’t have the energy to care.

They’d stripped him, beaten him, tied him up to a chair and not let him sleep more than twenty minutes at a time. He was going to die, and they were going to take their time about it.

His stomach wasn’t the only thing that was hollow. Maedhros felt scoured out in every way possible. His platoon was dead, he’d led them into an ambush. His Captain had been annihilated by a missile strike and his Lieutenant had been shot at an almost point-blank range, their chest peppered with bullets. Maedhros had failed, he’d failed his soldiers, his command, himself.

By some agonising fate Maedhros was the only one left. Why him? What could they possibly want with him? They weren’t seeking to profit from his capture: there’d been no ransom request, no hostage plea. He could give them no knowledge on his artillery squadron’s planned movements -any and all plans would have changed after the ambush.

Maybe they just wanted to have some fun. The question then was for how long? If they intended to continue starving him it could be weeks still.

There was no rescue coming for him, he knew he’d be assumed dead along with the rest of his troops.

He already wished for death, how much more could he endure?

He was jolted from the flashback by his phone ringing, a bzzzzz bzzzzzz vibrating in trouser pocket repeatedly.

Maedhros felt sick. He gasped, trying to breathe in air and to avoid retching. His mind was whirling, the room was spinning, the spines of the books on the shelves blurring.

The bzzzzzzz bzzzzzzz carried on, insistent in its ringing. Using it as something to focus on he took it out looking at the screen, it was his Ammë. He checked the time, it was past eight, how long was I spaced out for?

Maedhros’ phone kept ringing. He could just not answer, but he knew she’d worry. And he found he just really wanted to hear her voice.

He answered with a shaky, ‘Hi Amya.’

‘Maitimo! Happy birthday darling! Happy birthday to my baby who made me a mother!’ her joyful voice sounded so jarring in contrast to how dreadful he was feeling inside. Maedhros had forgotten it was his birthday. He’d lost himself into his mind so deeply and was now desperately trying to resurface.

Things are bad today.

‘Thanks Amya,’ he managed, hoping she didn’t notice how strained his voice was down the line.

‘I’m sorry to ring so early dear but I’m off out to choir practice and then I’ve got a life drawing class this afternoon, so I thought I’d catch you now- are you alright baby?’ she’d seemed to pick up on his troubled energy over the phone, with that sixth sense mothers have.

‘I- I had a rough night is all,’ said Maedhros, half-truthful. Only Maglor knew the full explicit ordeal in Thangorodrim. Whilst Nerdanel was aware what state he’d been in upon rescue: she’d been the one to receive the phone call from the surgeon requesting permission to amputate. And whilst she’d arrived at the hospital only hours after his surgery, had seen his injuries, his emaciated and ruined body, seen him in the clutches of a severe and raging infection, he’d never told her the full story. He’d shielded all his family from the medical discharge panel, forbidden them from entering the room when he’d recounted his experience and had shredded his copy of the report as soon as he received it.

Maglor only knew because of the flashbacks and Maedhros would have preferred it if his brother had never known the true horror of it all.

‘Oh darling, I’m so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?’ Nerdanel asked.

‘No Amya, but I appreciate the offer. I’m working through things, I’ve got Laurë, and I’ve got therapy and my meds.’

‘Alright sweetheart, well listen you take care of yourself alright? Just do nice things today! Thirty-three! I can’t believe it! I remember being at the hospital, your father was losing his goddamn mind. I was the calm one and I was the one in labour! And those contractions were no joke let me tell you. Did I tell you the midwife had to send him out at one point he was so unbearable?’

Maedhros couldn’t quite manage a laugh, but a smile did emerge on his face at his mother’s efforts to cheer him up, ‘Yes, you did tell me Amya,’ he said, ‘from my memory Atar wasn’t much better at all the other births either.’

‘Well I don’t mind telling it again, and yes! Honestly. Brilliant man, wonderful husband, but absolutely unable to cope in a delivery room, you’d have thought he’d get better as we had more babies….by the time I was on to Tyelkormo I rather knew what I was doing but your Atar never seemed to get used to it. Ah well! You’ll always be my first baby, and nothing will ever change that.’

‘Thanks Amya,’ his voice was thick with love for her.

‘Have a wonderful day darling, look after yourself and tell Laurë to give you a big hug from me. I love you so very much.’

‘I love you too Amya.’

The call ended and Maedhros dropped his phone into his lap and slumped back against the cushions. He felt drained, his hands were trembling; likely a combination of stress and low blood sugar. He reached for his tea to find it cold.

Getting to his feet carefully so as to not have the room spin, he made his way back to the kitchen.

Maedhros knew he needed to eat something, but he was getting such mixed signals from his body, on the one hand he felt weak and knew he needed food to fuel him, but on the other his stomach felt so uneasy the last thing he wanted to do was put food into it.

After examining the cupboards for a long time he decided on a slice of toast drizzled in honey. It was plain enough to not give his stomach any upset and the honey would help with the dizziness and give him some energy.

He ate it slowly, trying to distract himself by watching the squirrels scamper over the back lawn, stowing away nuts in his flowerbeds. Their fluffy grey tails flicking as they dug their little paws into the damp ground. Two of them decided they wanted the same spot and chased each other across the grass and up the giant beech tree at the end of the garden.

A robin flew down in front of the window to peck at some birdseed Maedhros had left out yesterday. He watched as it hopped around on its spindly legs and ate several of the seeds. He’d always been taught that robins were a sign of the departed coming to visit, Maedhros took it as a comfort. He took another few bites of his toast, the honey sweet down his throat.

Noise on the stairs informed Maedhros that Maglor was on his way down, he could hear his brother humming a tune from the hallway.

‘Nelyo! Happy Birthday my favourite brother!’ Maglor cried happily upon entering the kitchen. Then, upon seeing Maedhros’ lacklustre attempt to smile back, he was immediately at his side, rubbing his upper arm.

‘You alright? Bad night?’

‘Flashbacks, one just now. Thangorodrim. Then Ammë rang, ugh, there’s never a good time for these things,’ Maedhros sighed.

‘That sounds rough. And you don’t wanna be having that today, or any day for that matter,’ said Maglor sympathetically. ‘Have you eaten? Oh I see, some toast, that’s great anything else?’

Maedhros shook his head, he knew it wasn’t enough, but he really couldn’t face anything more right now.

Maglor just pulled him into a hug, ‘You’re doing so well Nelyo, no, seriously you are. It’s been such a tough few weeks, it’s not surprising at all that your brain is having a bit of a meltdown right now.’

Maedhros just exhaled into his brother’s shoulder. Maglor was rubbing firm circles in between his shoulder blades, and it felt so nice.

‘Why don’t you snuggle up on the sofa and try and get a bit more sleep?’ suggested Maglor, ‘We don’t have anything planned until later. You look like you’d benefit from few more hours rest.’

‘I- I don’t want to space out again, I don’t want more nightmares. It’s horrid Kàno.’

‘I know, I know,’ said Maglor soothingly. ‘What can I do to help?’

Maedhros hated that he had to ask this, but it was possibly one of the only things that would help, ‘Can you be here? Things are better with you around.’

‘Of course!’ said Maglor, ‘I could play for you? Or we could cosy up on the sofa?’

‘Either sounds good.’

Minutes later, Maedhros found himself wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa, his head on a pillow, Maglor fussing around him. Past him wouldn’t have wanted so much fussing, and future him might grow beyond it, but right now it was what he needed.

Maglor, satisfied with Maedhros’ level of snuggliness after tucking in the corners of the blanket to create a cocoon around him, stepped away towards the piano. He opened the fallboard and stretched and flexed his fingers in a warm-up.

From his horizontal vantage point Maedhros felt comforted just watching the routine of Maglor’s exercises. For, he’d watched his brother do them since he was barely old enough to clamber up onto the piano stool at their Haru Finwë’s -at the very same upright piano that now sat in their kitchen- and their grandfather had spotted and encouraged Maglor’s talent for music.

Maglor was meticulous and moved through the movements gracefully, before hovering his fingers over the keys, ghost playing some tune or scale in his head.

Then his brother threw him a cheeky wink and started playing ‘Happy Birthday’ on the keys.

Maedhros groaned and Maglor laughed loudly.

‘It has to be done Nelyo! I couldn’t pass up on the opportunity, today of all days! It’s the only day I can do it!’ He played the tune through with a flourishing embellishment tacked onto the end.

‘Are you quite finished?’

Maglor only chuckled, he looked over at Maedhros with a grin on his face. ‘I could play anything right now, I have you at my mercy, there’s no way you’re gonna move from your burrito on the sofa.’

‘I’ll eviscerate you with the power of my mind’ grumbled Maedhros, but his brother was right, he was too warm and comfy where he was. Already, just being around Maglor was helping; Maedhros felt so safe with him, he could feel himself relaxing already.

Maglor just raised his eyebrows and then with a happy huff of breath he started playing an easy, soothing melody, his fingers floating over the keys.

Maedhros close his eyes and let the music wash over him. He took some deep breaths in and felt his body sink even lower into the couch. Maglor’s presence and magic easing him into sleep.

~

He woke an indeterminate amount of time later to a gentle hand on his shoulder and Maglor’s soft voice in his ear. ‘Nelyo, Nelyo, time to wake up brother.’

Maedhros groaned and pushed his face into the pillow. Maglor laughed softly and pushed Maedhros’ hair back from his face, tucking  the long loose strands behind his ear.

‘Come on sleepyhead, it’s been nearly two hours, I hope you feel more rested. But it’s time to get up, the postman’s just been and there’s presents for you!’

‘Eh?’ Maedhros sat up groggily, ‘Presents? But I didn’t ask for anything.’

‘Yeah but everyone still got you stuff, it’s your birthday silly.’

Maedhros stretched. He’d slept surprisingly deeply. Two hours, wow that’s actually so good. He checked in with himself, he did actually feel a bit better, and he also felt a little hungry.

Maglor seemed to be thinking along the same lines as he stood from where he’d been knelt at the side of the sofa and began listing off mid-morning snack options to Maedhros whilst moving away into the kitchen. Maedhros didn’t watch him go, he was distracted by the pile of presents and cards on the coffee table.

He was still eyeing them up when Maglor returned with blueberry muffins, fruit and a cup of peppermint tea for Maedhros.

‘What’s- why- who?’  he said, gesturing to the wrapped packages.

‘Oh the brothers, Ammë, Idril and Tuor and there’s even a card from one of your old army pals too,’ explained Maglor cheerfully.

‘Even Idril and Tuor?’

‘Yeah she asked me when we went up to Sirion, she had the date written down and everything. Go on here’s the card and present. Open them.’

Maedhros’ hand closed around the small wrapped box and card, he looked in astonishment at his brother. Maglor nodded encouragingly.

Slowly - as it was tricky open wrapping paper with one hand- Maedhros managed to get into the parcel. Inside was revealed to be a mariner’s compass. The card from Idril said that it was Tuor’s and he wanted Maedhros to have it. I assure you he was very much in his right mind when he insisted you have it dear, said Idril’s card, It would rightfully have gone to Eärendil, but Tuor wanted you to have it and so do I.

It was a beautiful piece of equipment. Heavy, it had a brass casing, warm to the touch and etched with intricate patterns of swirling waves and constellations. Maedhros tilted the compass this way and that, the compass card turning gracefully and the needle always pointing true.

‘There’s a metaphor in here somewhere,’ said Maglor now reading the card from Idril.

‘Probably,’ agreed Maedhros, he set the compass down carefully, honoured that Tuor had sought to gift him something so precious.

‘Go on, open some more,’ pressed Maglor excitedly.

Maedhros, still surprised that unprompted he’d received numerous gifts reached for the next parcel.

Over the course of the next twenty minutes he opened each of the cards and presents.

To no-one’s surprise there were several books. Two related to parenting: a memory book from their Ammë with journal prompts and slots for photos to be added. ‘I can dig out my polaroid camera,’ said Maglor brightly and we can stick photos in there.’ And the other was a book on how to be a good parent by avoiding the mistakes your own parents had made. ‘Bloody hell, is Moryo trying to make a point do you reckon?’ mused Maglor, reading the blurb on the back cover.

Amrod had good Maedhros a tome of a book on archaeological digs of Nargothrond that looked excitingly dense. And Amras had given Maedhros an astronomy fiction book about black holes called ‘Into the Singularity: Tales from the Void.’

Celegorm’s present was in two halves, the first was a mug with “World’s best Atar” on the front only the word Atar had been crossed out and replaced by Rendo (cousin). The second, less jokey more genuine present was a map of places local to Amon Ereb which were recommended for family day trips -Maedhros smiled at how Himlad National Park had been highlighted in bright yellow, ‘Do you think Turko’s hinting at something?’ he asked tongue-in cheek to Maglor.

Maglor simply snorted in response but they both agreed it was a thoughtful gift that they’d get a lot of use out of when Elros and Elrond came to live with them.

Curufin’s gift was simple but no less thoughtful, he’d gifted Maedhros some new pruning shears for the garden. And on a similar gardening theme Maglor had got him a smartly carved wooden box to store all his seed packets in in the greenhouse ready for Spring.

Soon there was only one card left, it was from one of Maedhros’ former army colleagues a Captain who’d served under him in the Northern Territories.

‘I- I think I’ll read the one from Glyn later,’ said Maedhros, ‘Today’s…..yeah maybe not the best day.’

‘Sure thing,’ said Maglor and he picked the unopened card and set it on the mantlepiece so as not to get mixed up with all the wrapping paper.

‘Well, that’s, wow I wasn’t expecting all that,’ said Maedhros surveying his pile of presents. He felt very warm inside, even including the daft joke present from Celegorm which he presumed was a form of an apology for his ill-timed comment at Elwing’s funeral.

‘There’s one more surprise for you,’ said Maglor, his eyes had lit up and he seemed almost giddy.

Maedhros looked up, confused. There were no more presents on the table.

Instead, Maglor withdrew Maedhros’ tablet from what seemed like thin air.

‘Elros and Elrond are going to video call you and wish you happy birthday, and,’ Maglor paused dramatically for effect, ‘They’ve made you birthday cards! They arrived in the post this morning whilst you were snoozing.’

Maedhros could only look at his brother, stunned into silence.

‘How good is that?’ said Maglor plonking himself down next to Maedhros on the sofa and setting up the tablet.

‘I-I- I don’t know what to say-‘ managed Maedhros, ‘Kàno, really? They’re going to call? And, birthday cards?’

‘Yes!’ Maglor produced the envelope with a flourish, again from seemingly nowhere, ‘Here you go, you can open them now or on the call.’

Maedhros took the envelope reverently in his left hand.

They made me birthday cards.

He was going to find it very hard not to cry.

Maglor was tapping away on the tablet, ‘Okay, Fae’s messaged to say they’re all good on their end, you good here?’

‘I- I guess,’ said Maedhros, still feeling blindsided.

‘Hey,’ said Maglor, squeezing Maedhros’ right elbow, ‘Hey, you’re fine. Take a deep breath.’

‘Kàno, this- I didn’t expect-‘

‘I know, I wanted it to be a fun surprise,’ Maglor hesitated, ‘Is it?’

‘Yes’ said Maedhros fervently, ‘Yes, I’m just so surprised, but in a good way I promise.’

‘Okay, I’m gonna call them now, ready?’

Maedhros couldn’t think of a single reason to delay calling their little cousins. He fidgeted with his cardigan and tucked his hair behind his ears, he hoped it wasn’t too bed-head like from his nap on the sofa. Maglor noticed him fussing and told him he looked fine.

They didn’t have to wait long before Fae picked up the call on her end and two identical faces came into focus on the screen.

‘Hello!’ called out Maglor.

‘Maglor!’ cried Elros, ‘Maedhros!’

Maedhros felt his breath catch in his throat, there was something so magical about having a six year old greet you with such excitement.

‘Hi Elros, Hi Elrond,’ he said, waving at the camera. The two boys smiled at him and Maedhros couldn’t help but mirror his own smile back.

‘Happy Birthday Maedhros,’ said Elrond.

-‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ yelled Elros and his voice peaked the microphone.

‘Indoor voice Elros,’ came Fae’s voice over the speaker, ‘Hiya both, are you well? As you can see there’s a lot of excitement on our end. Happy Birthday Maedhros.’

‘Thank you very much,’ said Maedhros, genuinely touched that between Maglor and Fae they’d organised for him to have this treat, this might be his most favourite birthday yet.

‘Did you get our cards?’ demanded Elros, practically standing up in his chair. Having been to their house Maedhros could tell the twins were sat at the kitchen table to video call them.

‘I did,’ said Maedhros holding up the envelope, ‘I haven’t opened them yet, I was waiting for you.’

‘Open them, open them!’ chanted Elros.

Maedhros laughed, his chest easing fully for the first time that day. Between Maglor and Elros and Elrond, family truly was the best medicine.

‘Okay hold on, hold on!’ he said, fumbling with the seal on the envelope, Maglor had already loosened it for him by the looks of things. Two cards made of folded paper fell out onto his lap. He turned them over and tried not to choke up.

They were obviously handmade, brightly coloured drawings were on the front and what looked to be Fae’s neat handwriting inside. Maedhros only peeked at the inside, he wanted to properly look at the cards first.

‘Okay, let’s see, who’s drawing is this one?’ he said holding up one of the cards to the camera so the twins could see.

‘That’s mine,’ said Elrond, leaning forward in his seat.

‘Is that an eagle?’ asked Maedhros in wonder.

‘Yes!’ said Elrond, pleased that Maedhros had noticed, ‘It’s your favourite animal.’

‘It absolutely is,’ confirmed Maedhros, ‘What an amazing drawing Elrond, you really captured how majestic eagles look. And then is this a horse?’

Maglor pricked up at that.

Elrond nodded, ‘Maglor said horses were his favourite.’

‘Oh heck yeah!’ said Maglor leaning in to look at the drawing, ‘Oh my goodness Elrond this is such a good horse!’

‘And then I drew a cat and a penguin as well,’ added Elrond.

Maedhros knew those were Elros’ and Elrond’s favourite animals. He stared at the piece of paper. It was their family, on paper. Elrond had drawn their family. Maedhros took a measured breath.

God fucking dammit, keep it together Noldoran. Don’t cry, don’t cry.

To give himself a distraction he opened the card, inside the message read:

Dear Maedhros, Happy Birthday, hope you have a wonderful day!

I would like to play the penguin game with you next time we are together.

Thank you for reading the snail book with me,

From

Elrond

‘Did you sign this yourself?’ asked Maedhros as he traced Elrond’s name with his left thumb. It was tenuous writing but so very precious.

Elrond nodded on the camera, ‘Yes, I learnt in school.’

‘Well done!’ said Maedhros, genuinely impressed.

‘Read mine read mine!’ Elros - who had been doing extraordinarily well to be patient whilst Maedhros read Elrond’s card first - was done waiting.

‘Okay!’ Maedhros laughed and switched to the other piece of folded paper.

‘Is this a helicopter?’ he guessed.

‘Yes!’ squeal Elros excitedly, ‘Look that’s you and me in the helicopter!’

‘Where are we flying to?’

‘To the mountains!’

‘The mountains? What’s in the mountains Elros?’ asked Maedhros intrigued.

‘Adar said people strap metal to their feet and go sliding down the mountain on the snow!’

‘Oh Skiing?’

‘Yes!’ said Elros excitedly.

Maedhros chuckled, ‘We can go see the skiers then, sounds brilliant Elros, thank you so much for the card.’ He opened it and read the message inside:

Dear Maedhros, Happy Birthday, wishing you all the best for today!

Please can we have a cat when we come to live with you? A ginger one with stripes like a tiger?

Thank you for playing with me,

From

Elros

‘I see the campaign for a cat has well and truly started then,’ said Maedhros blithely, showing Maglor the card. Maglor just snorted.

‘Pleaaaaaassssseeeee,’ whined Elros over the video call, twisting in his seat so his head was all the way over to one side.

‘I’m not the one you have to convince,’ said Maglor to Elros. Maedhros barely restrained himself from rolling his eyes, nice one Kàno, now they’ll not stop pestering me.

‘Pleeeeeeaaaasssseee Maedhros?’ Elros was giving his absolute best puppy-dog impression and Maedhros was drawing on all his army experience to steel his resolve.

‘No we can’t get a cat,’ he said firmly but as kindly as possible. Elros pouted but Maedhros who had six younger brothers was immune to little boys sticking out their bottom lip.

He quickly diverted the conversation by asking Elrond and Elros what they had been up to recently. Unsurprisingly, Elros chattered away about football, promising to show Maedhros and Maglor a new trick he’d been practising next time they visited.

‘Speaking of that-‘ said Maedhros, ‘Fae, I think we’ll be down on the 27^th and 28^th as we need to sort the flat by the end of the month. Would it be possible for us to drop by?’

Fae leaned into the view of the camera, she seemed to be checking the calendar on her phone, ‘Yeah the 27^th works for us, it’s a Saturday, would you like to take them out for the day?’

The twin’s faces lit up at the sound of spending a whole day with Maedhros and Maglor. Maedhros was pretty sure his face was doing the same thing, he glanced at his brother, Maglor was looking so happy he could burst.

‘That sounds like a plan.’

The call continued for a little while longer then it was rapidly approaching lunchtime. The last thing on the video call was Elros and Elrond singing Happy Birthday to Maedhros over the line and then signing off with lots of waves.

Maglor powered down the tablet.

Maedhros stood and walked around the room, shaking his arms and trying not to cry. It didn’t really work, his eyes were wet. He just felt so full of love both from the twins and for them.

‘You okay?’ asked Maglor concerned.

‘I- yes I’m good, they’re happy tears I promise. That was so nice. Thank you for arranging that Kàno. I, they’re just…‘ How do I describe them?

‘-The best’ finished Maglor for him, ‘I know. And I knew it would make your day! I’m so chuffed! I hope you feel a lot better now you’ve spoken to them. And those cards! How sweet! Elros is going to hound you about a cat you know.’

‘I know,’ said Maedhros shaking his head with a half-smile, ‘How long did Turko petition Atar for a puppy?’

‘Years,’ grinned Maglor, ‘And then he got old enough and smart enough to smuggle one into the house anyway. I reckon you’ve got a while yet before Elros starts hiding a kitten in the airing cupboard.’

They both made their way into the kitchen to grab some lunch. Maedhros’ gut still felt tangled but hopefully it was more from the excitement of seeing their cousins and not from the horrible start to the day. He wiped his damp eyes on the sleeve of his cardigan, chuckling to himself about the memory of Turko successfully hiding a puppy in the laundry-room for three months because it was the one place in the house he’d figured out their Atar didn’t go.

‘On the note of the kiddos-‘ began Maglor getting out the bread and buttering it for sandwiches. I’m going to go and work on their bedroom some more, and also, I’ve been thinking Nelyo-‘

‘-dangerous that,’ teased Maedhros as he poured himself a glass of water.

‘Piss off-‘ but there was no venom to it, ‘All I was gonna say was I might turn the spare room next door to theirs into their playroom.’ And then at Maedhros’ sceptical look Maglor sped up his talking, words flowing fast as he tried to convince his brother of his plan. ‘Because it’d be good to have a contained room for most of their things. Think about it Nelyo, you have the library and your office, and I have my studio. The twins need their own space too. And we have the room. The ensuite attic room can stay as Ammë’s and we can still bunk everyone here at Yule.’

Maedhros thought about it. It made sense and the twins were actually going to live here, as opposed to their brothers and Ammë who only semi-regularly visited. There were enough rooms in the house, and it was important that Elros and Elrond felt like they had their own special place in the house.

‘Alright, sounds like a good idea,’ he acquiesced.

Maglor beamed, ‘You don’t need to do anything Nelyo, I’ll sort it all don’t worry!’

‘All I will say is hold off on stuffing it with toys Kàno,’ said Maedhros, praying that his brother would show restraint but also fully understanding how hard that was going to be. ‘If this is how many presents I get for my birthday. Imagine how spoilt they’re going to be at Yule and their birthdays.’

‘Good point,’ said Maglor pointing the butter knife at Maedhros, ‘Do you want tuna-mayo?’’ he asked as an aside.

‘Sure,’ said Maedhros sitting down at the kitchen island.

‘And then we’ll go to clear Elwing’s flat on the last weekend this month?’

‘Yes,’ said Maedhros, looking down into his cup of water, ‘It’s gonna be a big effort, but I think if we get some help it’ll be okay.’ He felt a bit daunted by the task ahead of them to clear Elwing’s flat but at least they knew what they were getting themselves in for and could make a plan.

‘And we get to take the twins out for the whole day!’ said Maglor excitedly, ‘I can’t wait!’

Yes, there was the promise of a day out to look forward to. Maedhros reflected that as far as his birthdays had gone, this was undoubtedly the happiest one of his adult life. Thirty-three. There were some days I didn’t think I’d get here. But here we are. This next year might just be the best yet.

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

‘Your fidgeting is making me nervous,’ chided Maedhros as he turned the car into the cul-de-sac where Fae and Athenir lived.

‘Ah shit, sorry,’ said Maglor snatching his hands back from where they’d been beating out a staccato rhythm on the dashboard, unable to keep still on the short drive from the hotel to the house where Elrond and Elros were staying. Whilst Maglor’s impatience and anticipation outwardly showed, Maedhros was feeling much the same on the inside.

Only for four more weeks thought Maedhros, and then they’ll be with us.

He parked up and taking the key from the ignition he looked over at his brother, ‘Today’s the real test I suppose,’ he said, thinking ahead to all they had planned with their cousins.

‘We’ll be fine, we’re all figuring it out together. Now come on-‘ and Maglor was unbuckling his seat and getting out the car. Maedhros chuckled and shook his head. He wasn’t far behind Maglor, just as eager to see the twins again.

It had been a little over two weeks since Elwing’s funeral, and the brothers were back in Sirion for the weekend to spend time with Elrond and Elros and also clear Elwing’s flat by the end of the month. That was going to be tomorrow’s task. For now, they had a fun day out planned with the little boys, with some ideas courtesy of Celegorm’s gift to Maedhros for his birthday.

Maglor reached the door first and rang the doorbell.

Athenir had barely opened it when Elros came barrelling out and straight into Maglor, wrapping his arms tight around the man’s legs in a hug.

‘Haha! Why hello Elros!’ said Maglor ruffling Elros’ hair affectionately. The little boy looked up at Maglor with such joy on his face Maedhros wasn’t sure how Maglor hadn’t melted into a puddle on the driveway.

Elrond appeared then, standing on the threshold to the house, ‘Hello,’ he said shyly.

‘Elrond!’ said Maedhros brightly as Maglor also greeted him warmly. A smile appeared on Elrond’s face in response.

It was so nice to see the twins happy. The last time Maedhros had seen them in person, it had been a difficult day and even their last visit to this house had ended in tears. And whilst the video call on his birthday had been fantastic, it was no substitute for seeing the twins face-to-face.

‘Right lads, go get your shoes on and your bags from Fae,’ said Athenir, who had come out onto the driveway and had opened up his car.  ‘You’ll need to let Maglor go Elros, or you won’t be going anywhere today! Maglor, Maedhros, care to help me transfer the car seats? They can be a devil if you don’t know how to work them.’

‘Sure,’ said Maedhros moving over to observe how Athenir extracted first one and then the other car seat. He’d been doing research into them and quickly discovering it was a minefield, with safety standards, recalls and vociferous opinions on the parenting forums.

Athenir showed them how to get them set up in the car. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t even because Maedhros had only one hand. They were just bloody fucking difficult. Maedhros may have let out one or two choicier swear words reminiscent of his army days when struggling to get the car-seat situated properly, but mercifully the twins were out of earshot; they were sitting on the doorstep pulling on their shoes.

Eventually, they were sorted with the car seats, shoes were on feet and Fae was handing the twin’s their backpacks with packed lunches, snacks and drinks in as well as their coats. She handed a plastic tube to Maedhros, ‘Elrond’s EpiPen,’ she explained, ‘There’s one in his bag because it’s good for him to carry one himself, but here’s another one for you.’

Maedhros took it and put it in his own rucksack. Ahead of the trip he and Maglor had watched several videos on how to spot allergic reactions and what to do if one happened, including how to administer the EpiPen. Maedhros hoped it never happened, but they were prepared just in case.

‘Alright kiddos,’ said Maglor, ‘Are we ready?’

‘Yeah!’ they chorused together excitedly.

‘Fantastic! Onward to adventure!’

They got the twins strapped in the back of the car. Maedhros learned quickly that each twin had a side, Elros on the left side and Elrond on the right, and both were insistent about it, so that’s what he and Maglor stuck with. Once everyone was buckled in they waved goodbye to Fae and Athenir and Maedhros drove off.

‘Hey boys,’ called Maglor, twisting in his seat to look back at the twins, as Maedhros left the cul-de-sac and navigated to the main road, ‘Guess what?’

‘What?’ they asked excitedly.

‘Do you know what this song is?’ and Maglor, with a few taps on the car’s touchscreen started playing an incredibly upbeat, energetic song.

Elros shrieked loudly with excitement.

‘What on earth is that?’ asked Maedhros as he pulled up to a red light, it sounded oddly familiar. He checked the map, they were heading to the museum at the Old Palace in the centre of the city, it was early, but traffic was already building.

‘Zara and the Zoomies!’ yelled Elros.

‘Correct Elros!’ replied Maglor with a grin, ‘And guess who wrote that song?’

Maedhros turned to look at Maglor in such astonishment he nearly stalled the car.

‘You did?’ asked Elrond in wonder.

‘No you didn’t!’ argued Elros.

‘Oh Elros, I assure you I very much did! Little did I know it had become the most popular children’s tv show in a generation!’ He said as an aside to Maedhros, ‘That’s why the cheques are so massive, I didn’t really stop to think about it.’

Maedhros -  holding back a swear as he nearly missed the light change - said, ‘How did you not notice something like that?’

‘It’s not as if I watch children’s TV!’ retorted Maglor, ‘Well, until now I guess!’

‘Prove it!’ challenged Elros from the back of the car.

‘Alright, I thought you might say that,’ said Maglor with a grin and he pulled up a video on his phone and passed it back to the kids.

‘Don’t make yourselves sick looking at a phone,’ cautioned Maedhros as he focused on navigating into the city centre.

‘No way!’ he could hear Elrond and Elros talking amongst themselves in the back as they watched whatever video Maglor had showed them.

‘You’re probably giving them enough street cred for the entire rest of their school lives,’ said Maedhros taking a left.

‘Their entire childhoods I’m hoping,’ said Maglor with a wide grin, ‘Or at least until they decide it’s so cringe they want nothing more to do with me.’

‘You really wrote the song?’ asked Elros from the back of the car.

‘Yes I did!’ said Maglor smugly and reached for his phone back.

The remainder of the blessedly short car journey was Maglor, Elros and Elrond all singing the theme song to Zara and the Zoomies on repeat for at least four iterations. Whilst Maedhros didn’t hate the song, he’d heard snippets of it before of course living with Maglor, he much preferred the acoustic version as opposed to the outrageously overproduced nonsense it was now. And it was an earworm, it’s going to be going around my head all day he thought.

But it did mean they were all in good spirits as they got out of the car in the museum car park and made their way to the entrance. Maedhros and Maglor each took the hand of one of the twins as they crossed the road in front of the Old Palace. Maedhros supposed to everyone else going about their day, not sparing them a glance, they looked like a family on a day out.

And that’s what we are. It felt so very right in his soul.

They skipped the queue with pre-booked tickets and headed into the Old Palace. Maedhros vaguely remembered it from when he’d come as a child but for all intents and purposes it was new to all of them, the twins not having visited either.

They walked across the courtyard and saw a jauntily dressed minstrel playing a lute. Maedhros was then shepherding what felt like three children around as Maglor wanted to engage the musician in conversation, but Maedhros grasped him firmly by the arm and practically frogmarched him off in hot pursuit of the twins who’d been enticed by a treasure hunt around the Palace.

Soon, they were armed with maps and spyglasses to spot all the crocheted mice hidden around the trail in the Palace, with the promise of a reward at the end. It was a lot of fun, Maedhros spotted most of the stuffed mice upon entering the various palace rooms, but he let the twins figure it out with clues from the rooms’ stewards.

One spot did require his help, and he lifted each of the children up in turn to see a little mouse hidden on the top of a tall bookshelf. Being young and slight they weren’t too heavy, but Maedhros resolved to increase his training in the gym to be able to more easily pick them up. A memory of several younger brothers clambering all over him when he was eighteen came to his mind and he smiled. I can bulk up again he thought, I’ve done it before. Since leaving the army his life had become quite sedentary, but with two energetic boys now suddenly in his life he would need to keep up!

They were polite boys Maedhros observed; always speaking nicely to the staff. Elrond in particular seemed to come out of his shell on the visit and asked questions about the various things in each room. Like were there real mice in the palace (to which Elros said they needed a palace cat), asking about what sorts of toys the children a hundred years ago had played with and who were the people in the portraits on the walls?

In time, they found all the mice and collected the prize which was a goodie bag of sweets, bubble wands and pots of luminous coloured slime. Elros was beside himself with excitement and wanted to play with everything right there in the moment, but Maedhros managed to convince him it would be better to wait to play with the toys when they got back home. With only a small pout from Elros, Maedhros took the goodie bags and put them in his own rucksack for safe-keeping.

They finished the visit at the Palace with a trip to the tallest tower which afforded a good view of the city and the ocean. Predictably, the twins wanted to throw things off the top of the tower. However, Maedhros with years of experience, was able to head that off before pebbles and coins rained down on unsuspecting tourists below.

Maglor had kept himself occupied the entirety of the trip so far by being the family photographer. He’d been snapping photos by the dozen, and now up the tower made Elros and Elrond stand by the battlements to get a good shot. Maedhros watched him fuss over them and they completely let him, looking at him brightly and not moaning when he took the tenth photo.

Our lot had vastly less patience. Memories of hair pulling, stepping on toes, rude gestures to the camera, crying babies and scowling - so much scowling - that made his mother despair when trying to get photos of all of them came to Maedhros’ mind.

‘Right!’ said Maedhros, calling them all to attention, ‘How about we go eat our lunch on the beachfront?’ He got cheers at that and the little family headed out from the Old Palace down to the promenade.

It was cooler than the last time they were here but it was dry at least and not too breezy so after much coaxing to get the boys to put their coats on, the four of them sat on a bench overlooking the beach and ate their sandwiches.

Maedhros and Maglor were sat at either end of the bench with their cousins in between them. Elros was next to Maedhros and he chatted away as he scarfed down his lunch. Maedhros listened as the little boy told them about a secret cave their Adar had led them too around the coastline.

‘You can only get to it at low tide!’ said Elros, pointing to the far end of the beach, ‘Around the headland, over some rocks!’

‘Sounds like an adventure,’ said Maedhros, eating his own sandwich at a much more leisurely pace than Elros who was already onto his apple from his lunchbox.

‘Yeah! And we saw sea amem- ane- anemobies!’ Elros exclaimed, ‘In the rock pools,’

‘Wow! That’s so cool!’ replied Maedhros with a smile, ‘I’m glad you like them because we’re going to the aquarium this afternoon.’

Both of the twins’ faces lit up.

‘Really?’ asked Elrond breathlessly. Maedhros nodded in response at the little boy’s shining face.

It seemed as if the activities he and Maglor had planned were going down very well with their cousins and it made Maedhros feel warm. After the past weeks of sorrow and grief, planning a funeral and reconnecting with estranged family, it was a relief more than anything to be able to do something fun and exciting.

I’m good at this. I’m good with children. I love children, thought Maedhros. The oldest of seven brothers, he’d never know if in another life, in another universe without any siblings he’d still get the same joy from being around kids. Always being surrounded by younger children than him he’d learnt how to listen, to share their excitement, to love on them.

Cendis had told him it was innate within him. ‘You could have been closed off and not wanted anything to do with your siblings,’ she’d said in one of their sessions. ‘I’m not denying that your parents left a lot of the burden of raising their children on you- which was not your role growing up- but you embraced it instead of rejecting it and growing resentful.’

‘I wanted to leave though,’ Maedhros had said, remembering how stifling it had all got at seventeen.

‘Totally normal thoughts and behaviours for a seventeen-year-old,’ Cendis had replied. ‘And yes, I’d consider it normal to be more than a bit fed up at that age from caring for so many brothers each with different needs and interests. Your wanting to leave didn’t mean you didn’t love your brothers, it meant you wanted to create a life for yourself that’s all.’

Those had been words which had healed a deep fragment of Maedhros’ soul. With his army career ending in disaster, he looked back at that time with regret. He’d beaten himself up for thinking that there must have been something wrong with him to not want to stay to be around his brothers, he’d thought he’d been selfish, seeking a career in the army, choosing to leave his family behind, risking his life.

‘Doing what felt right for you wasn’t selfish,’ Cendis told him, ‘It’s your life, you needed to live it according to how you wanted. It’s not selfish to pursue a career. You didn’t hurt anyone by your choice, and if they were sad or missed you or were disappointed in you,’ she said pointedly, and they both knew she meant his Atar, ‘That’s their reaction and their feelings, you are not in control of how they reacted.’

‘You are a remarkably caring person Maedhros’ Cendis had said, ‘And you had lots of family around you who were lucky to benefit from that. And you clearly got lots of love and fulfilment in return, and then you flew the nest which is normal. And you still have good relationships with your family to this day. That’s a reflection on you. They want you in their lives.’

Now that I do know Maedhros had replied. He’d seen his brother’s faces from his hospital bed, heard them whispering when they thought he was asleep, had experienced their changed behaviour after his capture and injury. Maglor’s quitting his job to come and care for him was not the only change.

Curufin had actually transferred university campuses to study closer to home, meaning he could visit at weekends when Maedhros was recovering. Caranthir had got his act together, stopped dealing in whatever illicit shit he’d been up to and actually applied to study finance at university.

Celegorm had shown up at the hospital three days after everyone else, due to no-one being able to get hold of him. Somehow he’d found out about Maedhros’ capture and rescue, a miracle given he’d shunned all form of modern tech and had been living off grid for two years. He’d appeared in the late afternoon, sent everyone home and then not left Maedhros’ bedside until dawn, repeating the same thing for four weeks straight, only stepping away briefly to keep fuelled by strong coffee and vending machine crisps. Celegorm had sat through the long almost unbearable nights with Maedhros, who’d been pretty much out of it on the industrial level drugs, his skin feeling like it was covered in crawling ants because of the painkillers and his arm spasming from ghostly hand reflexes. They’d not spoken of it since. Celegorm to this day still avoided a lot of the trappings of modern living, but he did at least have a smartphone now and always, always replied to Maedhros’ messages.

The Ambarussa had always been sweet, and they’d taken it upon themselves to keep Maedhros entertained in the hospital; they brought him a tablet and set it up with playlists and books for him to read and listen to. Amras at one point had even sat on Maedhros’ bed and they’d watched space documentaries together.

And throughout it all, his Ammë had been there, a consistent, loving presence, holding him, loving him, lending him her strength when he felt he had none.

He had no words to describe what his family meant to him. All Maedhros knew is that he’d never have made it to today, sitting on a bench by the beach without them.

And that’s why he thought, looking at Elrond and Elros sat next to him their short legs dangling off the end of the bench, feet not touching the ground, that’s why I’ll be here for them, forever.

They finished their lunches, Maglor firmly telling Elros to sit down for five minutes because he’d eaten his lunch so fast he was sure to be sick if he got up and started running around straight away. Elros chafed at having to stay put but Maglor offered to braid his hair for him whilst he waited. Maedhros was quietly relieved Maglor had reached a similar threshold as himself. It was beyond frustrating to see the boys’ hair blowing in the breeze and them constantly trying to push it away from their faces.

Maglor lifted Elros onto his lap and pulled a hairbrush and bobbles from his bag and began to brush out the tangles and then braided Elros’ hair quickly into a French-plait, catching all the strands that threatened to fly-away.

Elrond watched Maglor’s hands work deftly with fascination and then also asked for his hair to be done. So Maglor switched one twin for the other and also braided Elrond’s hair. Now, with their hair neatly tied back, not dissimilar to both Maedhros and Maglor’s hair that day, they looked like proper Noldorans.

They look like our family .

With the empty lunchboxes and depleted water bottles back in rucksacks, they set off for the aquarium which was a fifteen-minute walk to the end of the promenade on the eastern side of the bay. Elrond walked in between Maedhros and Maglor, holding each of their hands whilst Elros ran ahead chasing the seagulls.

‘Do you like the aquarium Elrond?’ asked Maedhros as they approached the classic Sirion white-washed building nestled against the cliff which was the city’s Aquarium.

Elrond nodded vigorously, ‘Yes!’

‘What’s your favourite animal?’

‘Penguins!’ cried Elrond and he bounced a little in his steps as they got closer and closer. It was adorable.

‘Heck yeah!’ responded Maglor enthusiastically, ‘We will make sure to see the penguins then!’

They caught up with Elros who was practically jumping up and down at the aquarium entrance and shouting at them to hurry up and stop being slow-pokes.

Maedhros got there first with his long legs and scooped Elros up backpack and all, tucking him under his left arm. The little boy shrieked with laughter as Maedhros, pinning him to his hip said, ‘That’s the last time you call me a slow-poke,’ he teased. ‘Kàno, what should I do with this miscreant?’

Maglor surveyed a wriggling Elros under Maedhros arm, ‘Hmmm, should we throw him in the shark tank perhaps? What do you think Elrond?’ He cast a grin over to Elrond who was still holding his hand.

Elros shrieked even more, and Elrond looked between Maglor and Maedhros with wide, worried eyes, ‘You won’t actually feed him to the sharks will you?’

Maedhros, not wanting to worry Elrond, set his twin brother back down on the ground ‘No, Elrond, we were just joking that’s all.’

‘Awww but I wanted to be fed to the sharks!’ protested Elros, his hair was a little mussed, but the braid was still secure.

‘Well, I still might, you stick close now and don’t go running too far ahead inside,’ cautioned Maedhros.

So they entered the Aquarium, and Maedhros couldn’t honestly remember such an afternoon of fun in a very long time. He found himself pulled in every direction by the twins, from one tank exhibit to the next seeing all manner of creatures: jellyfish, lobsters, every colour of fish under the rainbow, until they came to one of the main areas which was the penguin enclosure.

Elrond’s eyes were as big as dinner plates as he approached the tank and saw the penguins whizzing around underwater. He stayed for minutes, hands pressed to the glass, fixated on the birds who looked as if they were flying in the water. Elros was soon ready to move onto the next room in the aquarium, but Elrond remained rooted to the spot gazing adoringly at the penguins. Maedhros saw a sign which said that feeding time was in thirty minutes.

As if reading his mind Maglor said, ‘Why don’t Elros and I go explore some more and we’ll come back for the feeding time?’

‘Yeah, I don’t think Elrond’s going anywhere,’ said Maedhros with a smile. So Maglor and Elros left to go see the deep-sea exhibit.

Maedhros knelt down next to Elrond by the tank, and they watched the penguins together for a while. Elrond pointed at them telling Maedhros all about their special feathers, how long they could hold their breath for, what species of penguin this was and where they lived in the wild. Maedhros listened attentively, learning all about the Humboldt Penguin.

It was fantastic to see Elrond so full of energy, it was the first time Maedhros thought he’d seen the little boy truly come out of his shell and it felt very special to witness. Maedhros knew Elrond was a quieter soul, but it did not make him any less passionate than his brother, you just had to dig -or in the case of penguins, swim- a little deeper.

Eventually Maedhros’s joints were protesting kneeling next to Elrond, he stood up to get the blood flowing again and as he did so, he spotted a bench just to one side. Tapping Elrond on the shoulder he indicated to where he’d be and sat down. He watched Elrond watch the penguins, enjoying the excitement it brought his cousin. Elrond occasionally looked over to him and waved, Maedhros waved back, reassuring him he was still here.

Maedhros checked his phone, there was just one message from Caranthir asking for some final details for tomorrow, Maedhros sent him a quick message to confirm things. Caranthir responded almost immediately with a thank you, and then Maedhros watched as the three dots indicating his brother was composing his next message flickered, then disappeared, then popped up again, then stopped again.

Maedhros frowned, what’s chewing him up?

Finally, after a few minutes where Maedhros gave up looking at his phone and instead watched Elrond’s happy face as he almost got splashed by one of the penguins, his phone buzzed.

Moryo: Can I bring my girlfriend to help? She mentioned it might be best to have a woman take care of some of Elwing’s things. Also, I’d like you and Kàno to be the ones to meet her first.

Oh, now that makes sense.

Maedhros: Yeah of course, we’d be happy for the extra help, she’s very welcome, we’d love to meet her. What’s her name?

Moryo: Haleth. And thanks Nelyo. How are the cousins?

Maedhros: No problem at all. Cousins are great, currently at the aquarium. Elrond’s obsessed with penguins.

Moryo: Good thing there’s some at the Amon Ereb Zoo then. I always liked penguins myself, funny looking fuckers. Tell Elrond he has good taste. See you tomorrow Nelyo.

Maedhros had forgotten Amon Ereb had a zoo. He and Maglor had never had any reason to visit it. Yes, there probably are penguins there, he mused. Guess we might be getting a membership.

It was at this point Elrond left the tank and came to sit with Maedhros, unbidden he clambered into Maedhros lap. ‘Did you see the one with the red tag?’ he asked Maedhros excitedly.

Maedhros nodded, ‘I think that one liked you, he kept coming back to see you!’ His arms and his heart were full of Elrond. The little boy’s face was flushed with excitement. Emboldened by Elrond seeking out physical contact, Maedhros tucked an errant strand of hair behind Elrond’s ear, it was a natural and tender gesture.

‘He’s very funny,’ said Elrond, ‘Did you see him swimming on his back?’

‘I did!’ said Maedhros, ‘Can you swim on your back?’

‘Of course I can!’ said Elrond brightly, ‘Naneth and Adar took us for swimming lessons.’

‘That’s fantastic,’ said Maedhros, watching Elrond’s face for any upset but there was none. It seemed he was so happy and that the swimming lessons were a good memory.

Elrond turned in his lap, so he was facing the tank again, ‘They sometimes feed the penguins,’ he said.

‘They’re feeding them in about ten minutes,’ said Maedhros checking the time.

‘I need to get a good spot!’ cried Elrond and he leapt from Maedhros’s lap and ran back to the tank. Maedhros let out a low laugh at Elrond’s excitement. The minutes passed quite quickly, and a crowd started to build up around the tank. Lots more children and their parents arrived for the feeding of the penguins. Maedhros was finding it harder and harder to keep an eye on Elrond.

Maglor and Elros arrived back with a minute to spare. Maedhros stood up, and in the two seconds he took his eyes off Elrond to greet them, he couldn’t see him when he looked back. He clutched at Maglor’s arm.

‘I can’t see Elrond,’ he said, panicked.

‘What? Wait, Nelyo it’s fine, he’ll just be at the front of all these kids, he’ll be right up at the tank.’

‘But where Kàno? Where is he?’ Maedhros was craning his neck but the crowd was about five children deep and there was a lot of jostling of kids and pushy parents trying to get their child to the front for a good view.

‘I can’t see anything!’ protested Elros.

‘Hold on, Elros,’ said Maglor, also looking into the crowd but not seeming to spot Elrond either.

Maedhros felt his chest get tight, his breathing was coming fast now.

No! Where is he? Where is he? Elrond?

He was about to just start yelling Elrond’s name, but then a tearful little boy was pulling himself from the crowd and running over to him. It was Elrond.

Maedhros knelt immediately and held his arms out. Elrond sank into him with a sob.

‘They p-pushed me,’ he said, in between lungfuls of breath.

Maedhros held him rubbing his back soothingly. ‘It’s okay, it’s okay,’ he said, ‘You’re fine now.’

‘I just wanted to see the p-penguins,’

‘I know, but it’s okay Elrond, look why don’t you sit on my shoulders? That way you’ll have the best view.’

Elrond’s red, tear-stained face looked at him in surprise.

Maedhros, ever prepared with a tissue in his pocket, wiped his cousin’s splotchy face.

You’re like me when you cry, a complete tomato thought Maedhros fondly.

Tears mopped up and nose wiped. Maedhros straightened up.

‘Kàno, give me a hand?’ he asked.

Maglor smiled wide, ‘Elrond lift your arms up,’ and Maglor picked him up and with Maedhros ducking, they managed to get Elrond situated on Maedhros’ broad shoulders.

Elrond giggled, and Maedhros couldn’t help but laugh too. ‘How’s the view up there?’ he asked.

‘I can see everything!’ cried Elrond happily.

Just then there was a squeal at the side of him as Maglor had managed to swing Elros up onto his shoulders. Maglor was a good head or so shorter than Maedhros, but Elros still had a good view over the crowd.

They watched the feeding of the penguins together, cheering and clapping at the right points as the penguins formed a line for their fishes and then dove into the water to get them.

Maedhros knew his shoulders and back would be sore tomorrow but he found he didn’t care in the slightest. It was worth it to hear Elrond’s happy laugh and cheers above his head.

Once feeding time was over Maedhros and Maglor lowered the twins back down to the earth. Elrond was the happiest Maedhros had ever seen him and Elros was practically bouncing off the walls.

‘That was SO COOL!’ he shouted.

‘I’m glad you had fun Elros,’ said Maglor rolling his shoulders, ‘Oh stars, my back’s not going to be happy with me tomorrow. Ah well, that’s tomorrow’s problem. Shall we go see the sharks? And then it’s probably time to head back home for dinner I think?’

Maedhros nodded, it was getting towards late afternoon and they had to walk back to the car and return the boys to Fae and Athenir.

They continued through the aquarium and saw the final and biggest tank with the sharks swimming in it. Maedhros thought they looked very peaceful and not at all like they’d eat small children. He watched them swimming around languidly, it was soothing and he realised he needed it after his small panic when he thought he’d lost Elrond.

He knew logically that Elrond couldn’t have got too lost. They were in an enclosed space and he was also not the sort of boy to wander off either, evidenced by the fact that he kept seeking out Maedhros’ hand to hold.

But when had Maedhros’ anxiety ever been logical? That was the point of it, it wasn’t.

His worry had spiked so fast and intensely, and while on the one hand it meant he clearly cared for and loved Elrond, on the other it was absolutely terrifying.

He wasn’t sure he’d had that level of anxiety about any of his brothers. But then I wasn’t their primary caregiver….and his brothers had got lost and wandered off, especially Celegorm. But they’d always been confident he’d show up eventually.

It was different with his cousins. They were so vulnerable and they’d been hurt so much, Maedhros’ protective instinct was off the charts.

I wonder if my brothers had had this level of panic about me?

Maedhros glanced at Maglor who was picking Elros up and miming throwing him into the shark tank, much to the little boy’s delight. That was until a member of staff came along and told them to be quieter. Maglor sheepishly set Elros down but he still shared conspiratorial looks with both the twins.

Maedhros knew the answer to his question. Yes, Maglor had felt that level of panic about Maedhros, less often now, but certainly in the immediate aftermath of Maedhros’ rescue and surgery. He’d not wanted to let Maedhros out of his sight.

Love was so powerful.

So powerful indeed that Maedhros was persuaded -not by pleading or puppy-dog eyes, but by a quiet tug of his hand- to buy Elrond a stuffed penguin.

And it was a balm on Maedhros fractious heart as they left the aquarium, to see Elrond with the plushie tucked under his arm as they headed back to the car, all four of them singing the Zara and the Zoomies theme song at the top of their voices.

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

Maedhros returned to Elwing’s flat in the cool early hours of Sunday morning. Maglor was off picking up the removal van, so Maedhros pulled his car into a parking spot by the block of flats and made his way up in the lift to the seventh floor.

The flat was even less inviting than last time they had come, despite there being no foul smell from the kitchen. Instead there was just a musty odour of a place that had been shut up for too long. The shoes by the door the reminder that this had once been a family home. A family home that had experienced so much sadness and tragedy.

Maedhros set down the stack of large plastic tubs he’d carried up in the lift. He moved through the flat, opening all the windows to get a breeze wafting through the space, airing it out, chasing away the unwelcome presence of loss.

Between Maglor and himself, they’d come up with a plan for clearing the flat: they were going to sort through all the things to keep and then everything else was to be loaded into a van to be donated to a local charity which provided free furniture for families in need.

First on the agenda was the twins’ bedroom. Having not spared the room any more than a cursorily glance in their last time they visited, Maedhros now entered the tiny box room. He saw the toys and clothes scattered all over the floor, as if Elros was going to come bounding into the room any second and gather up the football by the foot of the bed and demand they go for a kick-about.

He picked up the football and held it between his stump and his left hand. Maedhros had always played cricket at school -a fast bowler- but it looked very much like he was going to need to get into football and fast.

He smiled and put the ball down by the door, next to the plastic boxes. From there he worked methodically, sorting out the toys into piles. Board games and jigsaws stacked together; cars, trains and various vehicles grouped, dolls and plushies rounded up. Anything that was obviously broken, for much younger children or missing parts was in a pile to be recycled or donated.

Maedhros knew a bit about the twin’s preferences by now so anything animal related was automatically in the keep pile. There were several plastic tiger figures and plushies as well as a variety of penguin related items.

Maedhros was sure he had a fond look on his face as he worked, thinking back over the day they’d had together with the twins yesterday. After the aquarium visit, they’d driven back to Fae and Athenir’s house and stayed for dinner before playing the penguin game as per Elrond’s request. And this time when Maedhros and Maglor had to leave there were only a few tears and sniffles but these were soothed away by hugs and reassurances that it wasn’t going to be long until they were all living together.

It was really starting to feel real now. He and Maglor were talking about when the twins move in, after Elrond and Elros have moved in with us, once they’re here… their brains slipping into the inevitability of it.

But it wasn’t one hundred percent certain. They were still waiting on the outcome of the Foster Care Decision Panel. Maedhros knew they had a good case – an excellent one if Rehta was to be believed, and he had no reason not to trust her- it was surely going to be just a formality at this point, but still, there was that anxiety, hidden under the surface, threatening to destabilize everything.

What if…

What if..

What-No. No. He was not going there. Maedhros firmly swatted the negative thoughts away with something resembling a virtual cricket bat. He’d been working so hard in the last week or so to get into a good headspace for clearing the flat, having conversations with Maglor and Cendis to prepare for this trip, reminding himself that he could be in control of his thoughts.

He focused on being in the moment and let the snap snap of the plastic tub lid ground him as he clicked it into place. Toys done, he moved onto books.

Sorting the books was easier, there were lots that were for children younger than the twins so a healthy donation pile was growing. Maedhros had already been ordering books for the twins’ bedroom in their house. Maglor just needed to build the bookshelf and they could be arranged. Maedhros had already made sure to order the snail book Elrond had been so fond of.

I think Elrond might be a fellow bookworm thought Maedhros warmly.

Clothes were among the final thing in the room. A lot of the clothes that Maedhros pulled from the chest of drawers looked too small for the twins, but he made neat piles of tops, jumpers, hoodies, trousers, underwear and socks, and made a note to go through these clothes with Elros and Elrond once they’d moved in and see what needed replacing. He placed them all in one of the plastic bins and was just labelling it when Maglor arrived and nearly took himself out by tripping over the football.

‘Eru- now I know what Athenir was talking about, fuck me I almost broke my ankle!’

Maedhros rolled his eyes at Maglor’s dramatics. He unfurled from where he’d been kneeling on the floor, shaking out his knees as he stood. ‘Guess we should start looking up kids’ football clubs in Amon Ereb,’ he mused.

‘I already have a shortlist don’t worry,’ replied Maglor, picking up the offending ball and putting it in a plastic tub. ‘We can take the boys for taster sessions after they’ve moved in with us. I’m so ready to be a football mum you have no idea. I should get one of those sleeping-bag coats they all wear.’

Maedhros chuckled, ‘You’d look ridiculous.’

‘Yes but I won’t be freezing my arse off on the side of a football pitch, and that’s what’s important! I’ll get a thermos and one of those soup mugs-’

Maedhros looked at his brother fondly, ‘I love how you’ve given this so much thought.’

‘Of course! Elros is mad about football, and we’re gonna need to be too. Elrond seems to like it well enough but I suspect he’s tagging along to be with his brother. We’ll just have to see how they both settle I suppose.’

‘Yeah,’ replied Maedhros looking at the rest of the room. ‘Well, you’ve got good timing Kàno, I’ve just about finished their room.’

‘Looks great,’ replied Maglor, ‘The van is all ready downstairs, and Moryo’s gonna be here in about fifteen minutes. Shall we take the boxes we’re keeping down to your car?’

In two trips they managed to put the items for keeping in Maedhros’ car to transport home to Amon Ereb and the boxes to donate into the van.

Just as they were about to head back to the flat, a smart black hatchback pulled up alongside them. It wasn’t their brother’s car, however the window lowered and Caranthir’s face leaned out, ‘Hey guys! Where can we park?’

Maedhros gave them directions and soon their brother Caranthir was walking back across the car-park their way, a tray of coffees in one hand, the other holding that of a young woman who must be Haleth.

‘She looks nice,’ said Maedhros quietly to Maglor. Haleth had short brown hair and big brown eyes behind wide circular glasses. She was dressed in a white t-shirt and jeans, but still had a tailored look about her with lots of fine necklaces stacked up around her neck and a smart black handbag on her arm.

‘She looks too nice for Moryo, smart play on his part to have her meet us first,’ whispered Maglor in response.

‘Be nice,’ hissed Maedhros, then louder he called out, ‘Moryo! Thanks for coming to help us out, we really appreciate it.’

‘No worries Nelyo,’ said Caranthir, and he handed out the cups from the cardboard tray: a decaf tea for Maedhros and some caffeinated monstrosity for Maglor.

Caranthir then took a step back and introduced his girlfriend, ‘Maedhros, Maglor, this is Haleth, Haleth this is Maedhros, my eldest brother and Maglor my next oldest.’

She waved, sparing the awkwardness of shaking hands.

‘Nice to meet you both,’ she said, ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’

‘And we’ve not heard nearly enough about you!’ cried Maglor enthusiastically and he escorted them up to the flat.

Haleth was, as it turned out, really nice. Maedhros warmed to her immediately. She answered Maglor’s bombardment of questions in the lift with good humour. At twenty-five she was a little older than Caranthir and it turned out they’d met at work. She was a financial analyst at the same firm Caranthir worked for and they’d not told anyone else they were dating.

‘So you’re just in the office pretending not to know one another?’ Maglor exclaimed as they left the lift and walked over to the front door of the flat, he held open the door for her and she went through.

‘It’s none of their fucking- oops sorry- I mean it’s none of their fricking business,’ Haleth readjusted her handbag and looked to Caranthir.

‘Oh you can swear around us it’s all fine,’ reassured Maglor, ‘Just cos Nelyo’s retired now, don’t let his polite demeanour fool you, from his army time he knows more curses than the rest of us put together, even more than our dear troglodyte brother Turko.’

Maedhros huffed as he entered the flat behind them all and closed the door.

‘Okay thank god! I’m a bit of a potty mouth’ laughed Haleth, ‘The netball girls are always telling me off!’

Maedhros and Maglor showed Caranthir and Haleth around the small flat. They decided as the twins’ room was now sorted, Maglor and Caranthir would start removing the furniture to the van and Maedhros and Haleth would tackle Elwing’s bedroom.

Maedhros showed Haleth into the room. Of course it was as untidy as the last visit.

‘I’m really grateful for your help in here,’ said Maedhros. ‘Eärendil’s stuff is in the wardrobe, and I can sort through that, but I don’t really know where to start with Elwing’s things.’

‘Yeah and if I know any woman, I don’t think she’d like a bloke going through her underwear drawer,’ said Haleth, hanging her handbag on the doorhandle.

Maedhros gulped, ‘I didn’t even think of that.’

Haleth smiled wryly, ‘Yeah it was the first thing I thought of! You know, I made a pact with my best friend that if I ever died she’d come to my house and get rid of anything I don’t want my parents or family seeing.’

‘Like what?’ asked Maedhros, moments before he regretted it.

‘Oh like my vibrators and lingerie,’ said Haleth not missing a beat.

Maedhros tried very hard not to go bright red, but with his complexion it was almost impossible.

‘Yeah…um…I  um….yeah that’s a good plan,’ he managed, voice dying in his throat.

‘So I will have a hunt around and not tell you anything,’ said Haleth, ‘I didn’t know Elwing, and hey I don’t judge, no embarrassment here.’

‘Okay, um, fine. I’ll leave that to you,’ said Maedhros and he turned away to face the wardrobe his cheeks burning. He was trying extremely hard to not think about Haleth and vibrators or Elwing and vibrators.

He wrenched open the door to the wardrobe and it nearly came off its hinges.

I survived four tours of the Northern territories, getting captured, held prisoner, amputation and a mental breakdown for fuck’s sake. I can handle women’s underwear and sex toys.

For you see, despite his brood being entirely male, Fëanor had still made sure that they’d all received a rounded sex education including female pleasure and menstruation.

Maedhros, never having had a girlfriend and finally after a year of painful confusion figuring out he was gay at sixteen, had never had an interest in women’s bodies, and had felt that Fëanor’s lessons, whilst they could be perceived as well-meaning, had also definitely been heteronormative and upholding a distinct set mould and plan for how he intended his son’s lives to play out.

Because, in an attempt to get his sons to know how to treat their future girlfriends and wives well, Fëanor had organised for every time Nerdanel got her period they would all get her a gift basket of chocolates, face masks and bath bombs to make her feel better. Only thing was she was so often pregnant they didn’t do it all that much.

Still, Maedhros was glad he’d paid attention to his Atar for some things because there had been one memorable army mission where his lieutenant had started her period suddenly and Maedhros had had to rustle up tampons and pads from the junior female officers to help her out. He’d felt like he’d been carrying some sort of charged explosive across the camp to her tent; hands full of rustling sanitary products and packets of pain relief.

His face had been just as red then as it was now.

He could hear Haleth opening and closing drawers and rootling through bedside cabinets. He blinked to focus on Eärendil’s wardrobe and tried not to think about anything other than sorting through the clothes.

He let the smooth, coarse and textured materials of the garments run through his fingers to ground him. Last time he’d opened this wardrobe his mind had conjured up memories from a difficult time. This time, they were just clothes.

He removed them one by one and piled them on the bed. Most would be donated but he kept two hoodies and two ties, figuring the twins might like to have the mementos when they were grown. There was a set of Navy dress uniform in a plastic suit cover that was also definitely to be kept. Eärendil wasn’t buried in it because he hadn’t been buried at all.

Maedhros reached for the medal box from the top shelf where he’d spotted it last time. Inside were five medals. One Maedhros recognised instantly as services to the Crown. It was a prestigious one, Maedhros had one just like it.

I should look up Eärendil’s Navy records thought Maedhros, this was important information that the twins should know. He closed the box gently and set down on the ‘keep’ pile.

‘Alright, I think I’ve been through most of her stuff,’ announced Haleth.

Maedhros looked up to see Haleth with a small opaque laundry bag in her hands, ‘I’ll go put this in my car and you never have to know.’

‘Thanks,’ Maedhros was very appreciative.

‘Great, I’ll be back to help with the rest,’ and she was out of the room. Maedhros heard her exchange a few words with his brothers who were on a return trip from the van. He hauled the pile of Earendil’s clothes for donation and took them into the hallway.

‘Did you manage with Earendil’s things?’ asked Maglor, panting. Both he and Caranthir were flushed and had a sheen of sweat on their faces.

‘I did, kept a few things for the twins when they’re grown but the rest can go,’ replied Maedhros.

‘I meant more mentally,’ said Maglor, pulling at his t-shirt which was sticking to him.

‘Oh! Right,’ said Maedhros, ‘Yeah, I’m doing fine. I think having Haleth here helped, she kept me distracted,’ he prayed they wouldn’t ask him what she said to make him so distracted.

‘What do you guys think of her?’ asked Caranthir, checking that his girlfriend still wasn’t back from the car.

‘She seems really nice,’ said Maedhros sincerely.

‘You’re punching way above your weight Moryo,’ drawled Maglor.

Maedhros shifted, half expecting his middle brother to rile up against Maglor who was teasing, but he needn’t have worried.

Caranthir simply took a big breath and nodded, ‘Oh believe me, I know she’s far too good for me. I can’t believe she even took my asking her out on a date seriously. It took me three weeks to build up the courage you know. But…yeah…she’s amazing, she’s really kind and understanding and she’s really good with the whole boundaries stuff.’

‘That’s great Moryo,’ said Maedhros, ‘I’m glad it’s going so well so far. You seem happy.’

‘I am,’ said Caranthir, ‘I’m happy and it just feels nice and easy and feels like we’ve got great communication, or rather Haleth has great communication, I’m working on it. I’m working on myself.’

‘I can see that,’ said Maedhros encouragingly. ‘I can tell she means a lot to you. I’m impressed, you’re growing and I’m really happy to see that Moryo.’

‘I’m so happy for you too baby bro!’ said Maglor advancing on Caranthir with a wide smile.

‘You’re gonna get all sappy and disgusting,’ said Caranthir and he tried but failed to get away just as Maglor pounced on him, ‘Stop! Stop! What did I just say about boundaries?’

‘You’re my little brother!’ cried Maglor yoinking Caranthir into a reluctant hug, ‘My boundaries supersede yours.’

‘Fuck you!’

Maedhros was just wondering whether to intervene on Caranthir’s behalf when they were interrupted by Haleth’s return.

‘Hi!’ she said brightly entering the hallway where they were all stood, Caranthir wriggling in Maglor’s arms. ‘Oh what’s going on here?’

‘Babe, you see what I mean about them!’ Caranthir wrested himself free from Maglor and pushed his hair back from where it had all fallen in his face.

‘Did you clearly and firmly tell your brother you don’t like to be physically manhandled?’ Haleth said, looking at her boyfriend.

‘I told him to stop, and he said his boundaries were more important than mine!’

The glare that was directed at Maglor’s way was enough to make any Sergeant proud; Maedhros would have hired Haleth into his company on the spot.

Maglor put his hands up in the universal sign of surrender, ‘I’m sorry!’

‘Don’t be sorry to me. Apologise to him,’ Haleth ordered pointing to her boyfriend.

Maglor, with contrition on his face turned to Caranthir, ‘Moryo, I’m sorry, genuinely I am, I was teasing but I know you don’t like hugs so I’m sorry for forcing one on you, and for saying my boundaries were more important than yours, they’re not.’

‘That’s okay,’ said Caranthir. Maedhros thought his middle brother looked genuinely surprised at the apology, ‘I know you don’t mean it in a nasty way, and I know Turko would go all in on wrestling with any of you, just…not for me thanks.’

‘Thanks for letting me know,’ said Maglor, ‘Sorry again.’

‘Yeah I’m over it, we’re cool. Can we get a drink? A cold one preferably, I need to sit down before we tackle the living room Kàno. Those beds were heavier than they looked.’

‘I know!’ agreed Maglor, ‘For kiddy beds they were ridiculous. But honestly Moryo you should see the ones I ordered for the twins at our house. I nearly threw the drill out the window. Why they make the instructions impossible to read is beyond me.’

Maedhros watched as his two brothers moved into the kitchen shoulder to shoulder, the incident between them forgotten.

Haleth was also observing them, ‘They’re good?’ she asked.

‘They’re good, we’re a close family and whilst you were right to call out Maglor on his overstepping of boundaries, don’t forget we’re each one of seven boys. Growing up things got physical a lot.’

‘Oh I know, I’ve got sisters,’ said Haleth, ‘But being family doesn’t mean you can just ignore when someone feels uncomfortable.‘

‘I totally agree. And I know Maglor won’t make the same mistake again,’ Maedhros said firmly, ‘He won’t. He’s usually amazing at respecting boundaries. He’s been so good to me, helping me figure my own out.’

Haleth looked up at Maedhros, ‘Caranthir told me a bit about your past,’ she said acknowledging his missing hand, ‘I’m sorry for what you went through.’

‘Thanks, I’m doing a lot better now,’ said Maedhros, ‘And it’s thanks to the help from my family. Maglor…he gave up everything to help me. I hope he hasn’t made a bad impression.’

‘Nah he’s alright,’ said Haleth shaking her head, ‘Caranthir told me how close you all are as a family and how supportive you’ve been to him. I just…I really care about him and I want the best for him you know? He hasn’t always had it easy.’

Maedhros nodded, ‘I know, but I think that’s all behind him now, things seem to be going well and I’m really happy for him.’

‘Me too,’ said Haleth with a smile and she pushed her glasses further up her nose.

‘You want to continue in Elwing’s room?’ asked Maedhros, gesturing behind him.

‘Sure!’

The two of them continued throughout the rest of the morning and managed to clear Elwing’s bedroom. Maedhros found Haleth’s assistance invaluable.

She was able to help him sort through the assortment of things that could only be described as ‘stuff’ and filter out the things to keep. They kept all Elwing’s jewellery, there wasn’t a proper jewellery box so Haleth showed Maedhros how to roll all the necklaces, bracelets, earrings and rings up in a t-shirt so they wouldn’t get tangled and she sent him some internet links to good jewellery storage boxes.

She also identified the name of Elwing’s perfume, ‘You’re going to want to get a load of bottles of it,’ she said, ‘Memories can be triggered by smells so the little boys will likely have memories of their Ammë  linked to the smell of her perfume. This bottle here? See it will expire eventually so get several back-up ones for them.’

‘I never would have thought to do that,’ admitted Maedhros, he thought he would have probably kept the perfume but he didn’t know they could spoil so Haleth’s tip was priceless. He packed the bottle up with the jewellery and he noted the details on his phone.

They kept several of Elwing’s nice dresses and tops and even a few of her shoes, ‘Holy shit I think this is her wedding dress,’ exclaimed Haleth as she picked up the white dress that had been strewn on the floor. ‘See? It matches this photo!’ she pointed to a photo of Elwing and Eärendil on the dresser from their wedding day.

‘I think you’re right,’ replied Maedhros looking from the photo to the dress. He recognised the dress now he was looking properly, he’d spent so long picking out photos for Elwing’s funeral he’d seen all their wedding day ones.

‘Oh it’s stained, look-‘ said Haleth, holding it up to the mirror on the wardrobe door, and rubbing at a wine stain on the bodice of the dress, ‘But a drycleaner could probably get that out, I’m sure. Oh you have to keep this! And the shoes! Look!’ She scooped up a pair of white heels from under the bed.

‘We’ll definitely keep it,’ said Maedhros, ‘Eärendil was in his Navy dress uniform for the wedding and we’ve got that.’

‘Oh that’s nice at least,’ said Haleth and she set the dress gently down in the keep pile with the shoes to complete the ensemble.

Just then there was the sound of the flat door opening, and a voice calling out ‘Hello! Only me!’

It was Idril.

Maedhros knew she’d been planning to come over at some point in the day, he went out of the bedroom to greet her by giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She was dressed in green today with a matching linen blazer and trousers, her hair tied back and yellow cat-eye glasses framing her face.

‘Hello Nelyafinwë, oh you’re looking well dear, how are you?’

‘I’m well cousin Idril how are you?’

‘Oh I’m alright, I’m alright, all the better for seeing you, and Kanafinwë! And Morofinwë! Oh look at you all, such handsome young men!’

Maedhros moved aside so his brothers could each greet Idril with a kiss, then they were ushering her through to the living room.

‘Oh yes I see you’ve made good progress, so much done already! Oh but it is sad though isn’t it? What are you going to do with all the old furniture?’

Maedhros busied himself with getting Idril a glass of water from the kitchen, still able to hear the others in the living room, and Maglor explaining they were going to donate the furniture it to charity.

‘Oh that’s good, that’s good, yes some other family will be very pleased to have these things I’m sure. Oh you are so good. I can’t thank you enough for all your help with the funeral and now the flat!’

Glass of water in hand Maedhros saw Haleth hovering in the hallway, he gestured with his right arm for her to follow as he brought Idril’s drink through to the living room. The space seemed so bare now, the clutter tidied into boxes, the table and chairs gone, as was the armchair so there was just the sofa left. Caranthir and Maglor were sat on the floor, demanding that Idril take the sofa.

‘Oh only if you insist you two, oh dear you do look like children sat on the floor!’ she laughed, and looked up to see Maedhros and Haleth.

‘Oh thank you for the water dear,’ she said taking the glass from him and having a sip.

‘Idril this is my girlfriend Haleth,’ said Caranthir, sitting up straight and making introductions, ‘Haleth this is our cousin Idril. You’re our dad’s cousin?’ he asked her, ‘Is that right?’

‘Yes!’ nodded Idril, ‘Your father was my cousin, but there was a falling out you see, so we haven’t seen much of each other, but I’m glad we’re together now. Horrible circumstances but we’re family. Lovely to meet you Haleth, thanks so much for helping out.’

‘Oh I’m happy to help,’ said Haleth with a smile, with no seats available she perched on one of the plastic tubs.

Maedhros leaned against the bare wall, ‘Idril, we’ve just about sorted Eärendil and Elwing’s things,’  he said, ‘Was there anything you thought of that we definitely need to keep?’

‘Oh! And there’s me forgetting the main reason I’ve come!’ cried Idril, she looked for somewhere to set her drink down but finding nowhere she handed the drink to Caranthir, who then rested it carefully on a cardboard box. ‘Not that it’s not nice to see you boys, but how could I forget-‘ rootling around in her handbag for a minute she proceeded to extract two plastic zip-lock bags.

‘You’d have thought they’d give them to me in something nicer’ Idril grumbled, but she held out the first, ‘Elwing’s phone,’ she proffered, passing it to Maglor, ‘The Police gave it back to me. There’s nothing on there that particularly explains why she- well, why she jumped.’

Maedhros resolutely did not look to the window, but it was hard. He wondered if the others were also battling to not glance that way either.

Idril cleared her throat, she didn’t have to say what they were all thinking about, ‘Well anyway, it’s completely out of battery; I don’t have the right cables to charge it. But her photos and things will be on there. I don’t really know how you’d get them off, I think the police did unlock her phone but anyway you’ll have to give it a go.’

‘Thanks Cousin Idril,’ said Maglor, taking the phone out of the plastic zip-lock bag to examine it, it was a fairly new model with a white case, ‘We should be okay to revive this.’

‘And also,’ Idril’s voice cracked as she held the other bag, Maedhros couldn’t quite see what was in it, ‘Their….um’ she sniffed, ‘Their wedding rings…miracle they got these back to me, but yes, here they are.’

‘You’ve got all their rings?’ Maedhros was shocked as he pushed away from the wall and reached out for the bag. Upon taking it he saw, sure enough, there were three rings inside, two gold wedding bands and a sparkling engagement ring. ‘How?’ he asked in amazement.

‘It turns out Eärendil wasn’t wearing his wedding ring when he died,’ explained Idril, her voice wobbling slightly, ‘It was found on his nightstand when they collected his affects, and so his commanding officer delivered it to Elwing. From then on she wore it on a chain around her neck, they sent all three over from the funeral directors.’

‘I thought we’d have her rings but not his,’ breathed Maedhros, with some difficulty he managed to open the bag and holding it to his body with his stump he tipped the rings into his left palm. He looked at them intently. The gold bands were matched in colour although Eärendil’s was obviously larger than Elwing’s. Elwing’s engagement ring was a large glittering diamond in a marquise cut, catching the light in the room even though the lights were off and the day was overcast. It was stunning.

‘See the two little diamonds?’ pointed out Idril, and sure enough Maedhros spotted there were two tiny diamonds nestled either side of the large stone, ‘Eärendil had those added after the twins were born, to represent them, you know?’

‘It’s beautiful,’ sighed Maedhros tilting his palm so the ring shone in the light, it felt warm in his hand.

So much love in these rings, they’re so special. This is unbelievable, we’ve managed to get so many things for the twins.

‘And don’t forget they’ll have our rings too,’ added Idril, ‘Mine and Tuor’s when we go, I got our Wills changed this week, it’s all going to them. You’ll be their official guardians so if we go before they’re eighteen you can make sure it’s all kept for them-‘

‘Idril-‘ said Maedhros in a strangled voice.

‘I’m not planning on going anywhere don’t you worry,’ she said, ‘But look at where we are, two orphaned little boys, mother and father gone. Life’s short, we’ve got to make arrangements. And besides there’s two of them, they’re gonna need two engagement rings, one each for when they meet that special someone. Mine and Elwing’s will do nicely, I think. Or not, they might not want them!’

‘Oh they’ll want the rings cousin Idril, but yeah they’re six years old! Let’s not go marrying them off just yet,’ grinned Maglor, ‘But seriously that is amazing, we’ll honour your wishes of course.’

‘I know you will, you’re family,’ said Idril with a warm smile.

Idril stayed with them for a little while longer, offering helpful pointers on what could be kept or thrown away. But before long she needed to head back home; Tuor had been left with carers for the morning, and she was anxious to return to him. Maedhros offered her a lift back, but she stoutly refused, so he ordered her a taxi instead, paying before she could protest. He and Maglor waved her off from outside the flat, having brought down the pile of things for keeping to put in Maedhros’ car.

Once the taxi was out of sight Maglor pulled out his phone, ‘Shall I order food? Fucking hell it’s nearly two o’clock that’s why I’m so bloody hungry! I’m ordering sushi who wants what?’

The four of them stopped for a lunch of Japanese food and coffees - or in Maedhros’ case a decaf tea. Conversation flowed and Haleth fit in easily. Maedhros was a little nervous of how Maglor might be around her after her scolding of him earlier but there didn’t seem to be a problem, and she laughed at his jokes, and he asked her opinion on a few things.

The rest of the afternoon was exhausting, despite the flat being so small and really only having basic things in, it still took them near enough the whole day to clear it. Maedhros’ car was stuffed with keepsakes and mementos. The hire van was approaching full with furniture and donations. The recycling and refuse bins outside of the block of flats was rapidly filling up.

Soon all there was left were the kettle and cups in the kitchen and then with one last trip the flat was cleared. Maedhros took a final sweep around the place.

The flat stood hushed; there was nothing left but memories. The walls were bare, only faded outlines of where family pictures had once hung in those spots, a remnant of laughter from a parent holding a hammer, a child passing them nails—those acts of teamwork that built a home. There were imprints in the carpet from where the sofa and chairs had been, as though it was reluctant to let go of the life that had once filled the space.

Scuff marks all along the skirting board told stories of small boys kicking footballs about, a faint streak of crayon on the wall was a throwback to creative mischief. Near the entrance, faint scratches on the laminate floor hinted at hurried exits; a pram or buggy dragged across the threshold. The doorframe to the living room had pencil marks measuring the twin’s growth over the years.

There was just an echo now.

The story continues elsewhere thought Maedhros, a fresh new start in our home. We will make new joyful memories.

With a sigh he locked the door.

‘What now?’ asked Caranthir.

‘I’ll go take the van to the charity warehouse and Nelyo’s gonna drop the keys with the council housing office,’ explained Maglor, ‘Thanks so much for all your help today Moryo and you Haleth, we couldn’t have done it without you.’

‘Happy to help, safe journeys back you two,’ said Caranthir, ‘Not long now until the twins move in!’

‘Not long at all,’ said Maedhros as at the same time Maglor said excitedly ‘Four weeks!’

‘Let us know if you need any more help,’ chipped in Haleth, ‘We’ve got a busy couple of weeks coming up in the office but after that, more than happy to help with anything. I think you’re doing amazing and will be great caregivers to the kids.’

‘One hundred percent,’ agreed Caranthir, ‘Don’t doubt yourself Nelyo, you’ve got this.’

And with no hugs per Caranthir’s preference, Maedhros and Maglor waved off their younger brother and his girlfriend who had a long drive back East ahead of them and it was already starting to get dark.

Maglor turned to Maedhros and hugged him, ‘What’s this for?’ Maedhros hugged him back of course.

‘I have to get my hug fix somewhere’ grinned Maglor, ‘And I know you’ll always take a hug from me.’

‘True.’

‘It’s been a successful weekend,’ reflected Maglor.

Maedhros nodded, ‘It has, it feels good to have done this. For Eärendil, for Elwing and for the twins.’

‘Exactly,’ replied Maglor, ‘We’ve closed out this chapter, and I can’t wait for the next one!’

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

‘Do you suppose Atar had this much hassle choosing schools for us?’ asked Maglor slumping down next to Maedhros on the park bench.

‘Do I think Fëanor Noldoran had this much hassle choosing a school for me?’ said Maedhros dryly, looking over at his brother, ‘No. I think he took his money and sent it straight off to the most expensive boys school in the county as soon as I turned four. And the rest of you all followed.’

Maglor snorted, ‘Tell me he got a discount after Turko joined.’

‘I’d’ve thought the school would have demanded more money after Turko joined,’ said Maedhros humorously and they both chuckled.

The two of them were sat on a bench in a local park, about twenty minutes walk from their house. It was a chilly mid-October day, the sun was making a weak effort behind a sky full of steel-grey clouds. Maedhros pulled up the collar of his brown jacket to ward off a nippy breeze.

Yesterday afternoon and this morning had been spent visiting several schools in the vicinity to see whether they might be an option for the twins.

None of them had been appealing.

‘So it’s between the one with the cordoned off asbestos classrooms, the one with the homophobic headteacher or the one which said they thought music was a frivolous addition to the curriculum and had removed it completely from the timetable,’ said Maglor counting the schools off on his fingers in exasperation.

‘Mirkwood primary school didn’t seem too bad-‘

‘No. No.’ said Maglor, ‘The Headteacher was an absolute prick to us when he thought we were a married couple, the relief on his face was visible when we told him we were brothers, which given he was maybe more comfortable with the idea of incest rather than gay marriage, he can fuck right off. We’re not having someone like him around the kids.’

‘Fine, you’re right,‘ said Maedhros in agreement.

‘And you’re one hundred percent against a fee-paying school?’ said Maglor looking at him.

‘It’s not- it’s not the money Kàno. I want the best education for Elrond and Elros and sometimes that does come with a price tag. No it’s the fact that the only fee-paying primary schools in this city are separate boys and girls schools and we said we were not having them go to an all-boys school.’

‘Yeah, no, no that wasn’t good for us, Eru we grew up with far too many boys, we weren’t properly socialised,’ Maglor shuddered, ‘Thank god I had the regional youth orchestra where I could meet girls and at least have some experience of talking to the opposite sex-‘

‘You did more than talking if I remember,’ interrupted Maedhros, ‘You kissed your way through the entire string section.’

‘Oh god, I did’ said Maglor cringing, ‘Well in fairness they were all very pretty girls.’

‘Kàno-‘

‘Don’t Kàno me! You had your fair share of kissing, and you had the advantage of seeing your crushes all the time! I had to wait for Tuesdays and Thursdays-‘

‘And recitals and regional and national competitions, don’t forget all those extra practices,’ teased Maedhros, ‘You certainly got a lot of practicing in-‘

‘Those woodwind girls knew how to use tongue alright?’

‘I lived through all your teenage antics once don’t make me do so again!’ cried Maedhros putting his hands over his ears but he was laughing. It was fun to reminisce on their school days - the enjoyable parts anyway.

He thought back on gangly, ginger Maitimo, who’d crushed painfully hard on a few of the boys at school. With only one seriously liking him back.

I wonder what Larry is up to now?

Maedhros hadn’t thought about his first boyfriend in years.

Bright and brilliant, Aglarion ‘Larry’  Gorwel, had been in the same school year as him at school. Maedhros remembered how Larry had smiled wide at him when it had been announced that both boys were in the running to become the school’s head boy. The teachers were the ones to narrow down a shortlist and then the entire school got to vote to decide.

‘Who’re you voting for Noldoran?’

Maitimo looked up, startled. He’d been pouring over his textbook in the library after school catching up on homework- seeing as he never got peace to do homework actually at home.

The voice had come from none other than Larry Gorwel.

Maitimo gawped at him. ‘Oh, um-‘

‘Me, I hope,’ Larry had grinned. His smile was wide and lit up his face. Maitimo thought he was possibly the most beautiful boy in school.

Whilst his path had never really crossed with Larry much over the school years; Larry was the skipper on the rowing team, Maitimo was cricket captain and they only shared two lessons- science and maths, it had been more than enough for Maitimo to develop a strong and stubborn crush on the fellow seventeen-year-old.

Larry was superbly attractive with brown skin, sparkling eyes, and tousled black hair sitting on top of his head just asking to have fingers run through it. He had an easy manner, seeming to be comfortable in his skin despite being so young. Maitimo longed to move through life as relaxed as Larry appeared to do, but then Larry didn’t have six younger brothers like he did.

Maitimo had been surprised when Larry had been announced as one of the head boy candidates. Larry had never struck him as someone who took school that seriously, but he was certainly popular enough for it. For the past two weeks, Larry had been sauntering around the school using his overflowing charisma and good looks to charm as many pupils as he could to vote for him.

He was definitely strong competition.

‘You?’ Maitimo asked in confusion.

‘Yeah, it’s lame to vote for yourself.’

‘But that’s the only guaranteed vote-‘ Maitimo protested.

‘You’ve got six other guaranteed votes mate,’ Larry pointed out.

‘You severely overestimate how much my brothers like me-‘

‘You’d be surprised how many people like you Noldoran-  no don’t scoff – I’m dead serious, you’re super likeable.’

Maitimo had found himself flushing. Fancying someone was fine when it was from afar and you didn’t talk to them much, but fancying someone when they were right in front of you and saying nice things was almost unbearable.

He mumbled something unintelligible, Larry had laughed, eyes twinkling and he’d gone on his way, leaving Maitimo in the library, homework now completely impossible. Because Larry Gorwel had spoken to him, had said he was ‘likeable’. Did that mean he ‘liked’ Maitimo?

Of course not. Maitimo was reading too much into Larry’s words.

~

The next time they’d seen each other had been on the stage in front of the whole school and Maitimo’s name was announced as the next Head Boy.

Maitimo was frozen on the spot but then a hand was shaking his own sweaty one and someone was pulling him into a hug.

It was Larry.

All Maitimo could think was that he smelled really nice.

‘Who’d you vote for?’ Larry asked in a low voice, so only Maedhros could hear amid the cheering and applause from the rest of the school.

‘Myself,’ Maitimo replied.

‘Good, I voted for you too,’ Larry’s smile took over his whole face and he held up Maitimo’s hand above their heads in a gesture of celebration.

~

Larry had kissed him that evening, once everyone had gone home and they were the only two left. He’d leaned in, the same height as Maitimo, and kissed him quickly on the lips, barely a touch but it had left Maitimo’s lips stinging.

~

Maedhros hadn’t thought about Larry for a very long time. A soft smile came to his face as he thought on the brilliant young man Aglarion had been.

‘Nelyo?’

‘Sorry,’ Maedhros blinked and came back to himself on the park bench with his brother at his side. He was getting cold just sitting still; he pulled his jacket around him more closely.

‘Thinking of something or someone nice?’

‘Larry,’ said Maedhros simply.

‘Larry!’ Maglor cried, eyes going wide, ‘Oh shit! I’d forgotten all about him! Hah! Wow, that seems like a lifetime ago now.’

‘It does,’ Maedhros nodded in agreement.

‘I’ll never forget that time you had to sneak him out of your room when Ammë and Atar came back from that fancy event early. Oh my god, we got Turko to stage a distraction, and it woke Curvo and do you remember the dog got out and it nearly gave Larry away when he was hiding in the hedge?’

Maedhros had forgotten the entire ordeal. He’d not come out as gay to his parents as a teen and so his relationship with Larry had been fraught, with them nearly getting caught several times. All of his brothers had had some hand in covering for him at some point.

‘I’d forgotten all about that.’

Maglor was laughing, ‘Oh god, there was one evening when you, me and Turko were all hiding someone in our rooms. Fuck me, we were incorrigible!’

‘Eru, we really were awful.’

‘Nah, we were just running a little wild, you kept us in check for the most part, when you weren’t having a self-esteem crisis or going googly-eyed over some boy. Oh god, I can’t believe I forgot about Larry! I wonder what he’s up to now? Did you ever hear from him?’

‘No,’ replied Maedhros, ‘I purposefully cut ties with all the school crowd when I signed up.’

‘You really went about things the hard way didn’t you?’ mused Maglor, ‘You could have kept in touch, you didn’t need to be so dramatic about it.’

Maedhros sighed, ‘I know that now. But at the time it felt like it needed to be that big of a gesture, cutting all contact, chopping off all my hair, changing my name.’

‘And they call me the dramatic one,’ said Maglor tossing his own hair over his shoulder with a grin, ‘They should have looked at who my role model was!’

Maedhros gave his brother a wry smile, ‘It was dramatic, I definitely didn’t need to do any of it. But I did and here we are.’

‘Here we are, doing incredibly adult things like choosing primary schools, fuck me, how did that happen?’

‘I don’t know Kàno, I really don’t,’ replied Maedhros. He glanced at the time on his phone, ‘We’ve probably got time to get you a coffee before the next school, shall we go?’

~

The next school was the one that on paper was Maedhros’ top choice for Elrond and Elros. It was back around on the other side of the park, so only a twenty-five minute walk or an eight minute drive from their house if there were to be an emergency – Maedhros had plotted these things in google maps, just in case.

It wasn’t a fee-paying school but was one that fed into the larger private secondary school in the area, so it had a good reputation. That also made it extremely difficult to get a place. Still, it’s worth a look thought Maedhros.

They were met in reception by the headmistress Mrs Tyllaun, she was in her late thirties, had dark brown hair in a bob and was wearing a smart beige trouser-suit. Her demeanour was similarly professional and the vibe Maedhros was picking up on was someone who was meticulous in her job.

‘I read your email, thank you ever so much for expressing an interest in our school for your cousins,’ she said after welcoming them.

What followed was a short tour of the school, they got to visit some of the classrooms, and see the facilities on the campus. Mrs Tyllaun answered their questions with considered detail, she asked some of her own in return, about the twin’s aptitudes and attitudes. Maedhros was surprised he and his brother could respond confidently, the past few weeks of getting to know the twins and preparing for them to come and live with them had given them a degree of familiarity.

It felt nice. We’re not completely out of our depth here, thought Maedhros.

The school was impressive, it was well-kept, with bright airy corridors decorated expansively with the students’ artwork and there were a multitude of different spaces to cater to differing needs of the children.

Maedhros was delighted by the library, it was a welcoming space with a huge range of diverse books and soft seating for the children. There was even a giant bean-bag in the colours and shape of a ladybird on the floor for the kids to cosy up on to settle down and read a book. Maedhros would have liked to stay in here himself.

Maglor was won over when they were shown the music room. ‘Of course we are very keen on extra curriculars so as well as music on the weekly schedule, we also partner with a local music shop to supply the students with instruments for loan if they want lessons’  explained Mrs Tyllaun.

Maedhros saw Maglor’s eyes roam over the room, from the well-used and quite battered baby grand piano to the shelves stacked with cases and cases of instruments -violins, trumpets, clarinets piled up high, to the boxes stuffed with recorders, glockenspiels and tambourines. Sheet music was strewn across every available surface and music stands were haphazardly pushed into a corner. It looked well-used which was a positive sign.

‘We group with several other local schools for the city children’s orchestra,’ added Mrs Tyllaun.

‘Great!’ replied Maglor brightly, ‘I’m really keen the boys learn an instrument, not sure which yet, but I’m so glad you take music seriously here.’

Mrs Tyllaun assured them the school did.

They continued the tour to the outside to see the sports amenities. There was a well-manicured sports field, as well as a netball court and a sports-hall full of gym equipment.

‘We have a very football mad little boy,’ said Maedhros, ‘With lots of energy!’ he added.

‘We have football after school on Mondays and Wednesdays,’ Mrs Tyllaun assured them, ‘And we do P.E regularly in the timetable as well.’

Finally she showed them to the class where Elrond and Elros would be if they attended.

They were greeted by a teacher with honey coloured hair and a disposition equally as sweet, she introduced herself as Miss Meleth.

Maedhros and Maglor were utterly charmed by her, she seemed the perfect combination of caring, kind and fair. Her classroom was decorated for Autumn and the children were learning about seeds and how they grew into trees when planted. They were using conkers as the example.

She kept the pupils’ attention as they listened, enraptured to her explain the lifecycle of a plant.

Mrs Tyllaun had to practically drag the brothers away from the classroom, they were so taken with the lesson and teacher.

‘So, I hope you will consider us for Elrond and Elros,’ she said to them as they made their way back to the school atrium with its high ceiling and impressive art display of a huge mobile made of paper cranes in a brilliant kaleidoscope of colours.

‘We certainly will,’ replied Maedhros, ‘But we’d appreciate a candid response from you on how likely it is we will get a place.’

‘Oh it’s highly likely,’ she assured him, ‘We always reserve a place for children who have extenuating circumstances, and your cousins fall into that bracket, seeing as they’ll be looked after children, they meet our disadvantaged criteria, we have a quota for that you know.’

‘Right,’ said Maedhros somewhat stiffly.

‘Send us all the info,’ said Maglor a little hurriedly, ‘And we’ll be in touch.’

And then before Maedhros could asked precisely what the headteacher had meant by saying they had a quota, as if admitting children into the school from disadvantaged backgrounds was a shiny badge of achievement, he found himself all but being manhandled out of the school front doors.

‘Kàno, what- what?’ he hissed, his legs almost tripping down the steps to the courtyard as Maglor pushed him forwards.

‘I know that look on your face, you were going to protest, I know it!’

‘So what if I was?’

‘She didn’t technically say anything wrong, she was just a little insensitive in her language-‘

‘They’re not- Elros and Elrond aren’t just to meet some quota-‘

‘Listen Nelyo, I don’t really give a rat’s arse about quotas but if it means Elrond and Elros get a place, then that’s how these things work. It’s a great school, we both liked it. It’s close by, it’s got sports and music programmes, the curriculum seemed good, they’re LGBTQ+ friendly, the teacher Miss Meleth seemed perfect. I think the twins will do well here, if they get in because they meet a disadvantaged quota I frankly don’t care.’

Maedhros pursed his lips but didn’t say anything more. Maglor looped his arm in his and they began walking out of the school grounds, heading to the park and beyond, home.

Maedhros tried to squash his irritation, he almost didn’t know why he’d got so annoyed. He supposed it was because he didn’t want anyone to think that Elrond and Elros were just numbers to meet a quota or were just two little orphaned boys and therefore in the disadvantaged category. They were a hundred more times special than that.

It had been a good school, it was his first choice on paper and in person. He could envisage the twins here, wearing the smart school uniform, school bags on their backs, running through the gates, bringing home more artwork to stick on their fridge.

‘Alright Kàno, let’s get the paperwork sorted once we’re back.’

~

Ten days later Maedhros and Maglor were sat at the kitchen table nervously awaiting a phone call. It was four in the afternoon, and they’d already been waiting thirty minutes.

Outside the sun was low in the sky, soon it would be rapidly heading towards dusk. It was wet; rain from earlier remained as droplets on the patio doors, turning yellow in the evening light, like molten gold dripping down the glass.

Inside, the brothers were opposite one another, the phone face up on the smooth wooden table between them.

Maglor had made Maedhros a cup of herbal tea, but it had gone tepid now; his stomach too knotted to drink it.

They had been for the most part silent: Maedhros all locked joints, sitting awkwardly in his chair radiating anxious energy, Maglor simply sipping at a coffee appearing calm but glancing at the clock on the wall every minute or so and sighing when he realised how little time had passed. His bottom lip was flushed, evidence of chewing.

Eventually the quiet was broken.

‘I’m going to lose my mind Kàno,’ said Maedhros raking his hands through his hair.

‘You’re stressing me out,’ protested Maglor, ‘I was fine this morning, I wasn’t worried at all, but you’ve got in my head.’

‘How were you not worried? This, this is literally the most important decision we’ve ever had to face and-‘

‘Chill Nelyo, please, it’s all gonna be fine-‘

‘You don’t know that!’

‘And you don’t know that it won’t be fine!’ snapped back Maglor, ‘All the paperwork was fine, we’ve had everything go right so far, there’s literally no reason why it wouldn’t all be fine.’

‘So why is it taking them so long?’

‘I don’t know Nelyo, maybe they had a tea break or one of them needed to use the bathroom, or one of them was late to the meeting because when they got off the bus they dropped their keys down the drain and had to ring the council to send someone out to get them back-‘

‘That’s so oddly specific-‘ started Maedhros then, ‘Wait, didn’t that happen to you that time?’

‘Yes! And the rest of you were away at some stupid cricket match and I had to sit on the side of the road for two fucking hours until a kind street cleaner helped me fish my keys from the drain.’ Maglor took a breath, ‘So look, all I’m saying is, there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation-‘

Just then Maedhros’ phone began to ring.

‘See!’ cried Maglor as Maedhros snatched his phone up and put it on speaker.

‘Hi, hello?’ he answered, willing his hands not to shake, his stomach was clenched, he was barely breathing.

‘Maedhros! Maglor!’ came a familiar woman’s voice, it was Rehta, ‘Good news! Everything is approved, you’ve been confirmed as Elros and Elrond’s primary caregivers, they can come and live with you! Congratulations!’

Maedhros hardly remembered the rest of the phone call, all he could focus on were the words, ‘Congratulations, and you’ve been confirmed.’

He slumped forwards in his chair, head in his hands, relief flooding through him.

‘We’re paper parents?’ asked Maglor excitedly.

‘Yes you are!’ laughed Rehta down the line, ‘Oh I’m so happy for you both, it was all an easy decision in the end. Sorry for keeping you waiting, one of the panel members couldn’t actually get into the office building, her pass didn’t work and she was locked out for twenty minutes until one of the others checked his phone!’

Maedhros let out a yelp as his brother leaned over the table to whack him on the shoulder to prove his point that there was a reasonable explanation to the agonising wait for the phone call.

The call ended with more congratulations from Rehta, a follow up visit arranged for a month’s time to see how the twins were settled in, and a promise for a formal letter confirmation sent in the post.

 And then there was silence.

We’ve done it. We’ve fucking done it.

 They were the legal primary care-givers to Elrond and Elros. All their plans could go ahead, they could go and collect them, the twins could move in. The next chapter of their lives could begin.

Like a dam bursting, Maglor was up from his seat and dancing for joy, yelling and shouting and hugging Maedhros, shaking him back and forth in pure delight.

All the weeks; the paperwork, the funeral, the packing up of Elwing’s flat, the school hunting, the preparations for the twins’ arrival not knowing if it was actually going to happen for real, for certain.

Well it was.

It was real.

They were going to be a family.

All Maedhros felt was relief. Happiness would follow later, when his nerves had dissipated. But for now, sheer and utter relief.

He couldn’t recall ever feeling like this. Getting the house with Maglor was perhaps the closest thing. But it wasn’t as deep as this feeling.

Even his rescue and his rehabilitation, it wasn’t the same. For much of that he’d been numb; in shock.

No this was altogether different. He loved those little boys. Loved them so deeply, so strongly.

Ah.

Yes he had had that feeling before.

When each of his brothers had been born. The relief that the birth had gone well, the happiness at meeting them, holding them.

Elros and Elrond were family.

They were going to be a family.

Chapter Text

Elrond

*

Elrond woke up to a pointy elbow in his back. Elros had somehow rolled over and flung his arm back to dig into him. He wriggled away even though there wasn’t much room in the small single bed.

There was a weak sliver of light leaking under the curtain, it was so dark in the mornings these days. He blinked his eyes, they felt all gunky, so he rubbed at them before sitting up in bed.

Elros was still asleep. Elrond didn’t wake him even though he knew if it were the other way around Elros would definitely wake him up.

His eyes roamed around the room and landed on the rucksacks leaning up against the wardrobe door. Suddenly he remembered.

We’re leaving today to go live with cousins Maedhros and Maglor!

The grownups had done all their grownup stuff and now it was all sorted apparently. They were going to pack up their things again and move a long way away.

Elrond felt a bit sick about it.

His stomach felt like the washing machine. Round and round and everything inside sloshing around. His stomach was even making gurgling noises, and he wasn’t sure if he needed to use the toilet. 

He liked Fae and Athenir, he liked their house, and he’d just got used to how things were done here. Their routines and quirks. They way Athenir would wander around the house in the morning whilst brushing his teeth, the way Fae would do her makeup in the car when they were going somewhere, using the tiny mirror and somehow managing not to mess it up when they went over speedbumps.

They’d opened their house to him and Elros, taken them in when they had nowhere else to go. Had given them new toys, had played and read with them, taken them to football and to therapy. Had cooked safe foods for Elrond, had let Elros play football for hours outside. Had held Elros when he screamed and sat with Elrond when he cried.

It had only been a short while, and they’d known from the start it wasn’t forever. Fae and Athenir looked after lots of little boys whose families couldn’t take care of them. But still, he felt funny about leaving.

But then, Elrond thought, he did also like Maedhros and Maglor. They were kind and fun and Elrond felt safe around them. He did want to go live with them, and they’d promised to look after him and Elros forever.

He remembered at the aquarium being pushed by the other children away from the penguins and how he’d run to Maedhros. And Maedhros had looked after him and solved the problem and he’d sat on the tall man’s shoulders and had seen the whole show!

He remembered how at the aquarium he’d hugged Maedhros and Maedhros had hugged him gently back.

Elrond didn’t really like hugs anymore but maybe hugs with Maedhros were okay. And Maglor too maybe.

He twisted his hands in the bedsheet, tugging on the material.

The backpacks were a gift from Fae and Athenir; something to put their clothes and toys in. They were almost all packed except for Elros’ stuffed tiger, Elrond’s penguin and their pyjamas. They didn’t have much stuff at all.

Elrond wondered where all their things from their flat had gone? And all of Naneth’s things, like her makeup and jewellery, and Adar’s things in the wardrobe...

The wardrobe that he and Elros sometimes opened and sat inside amongst Adar’s clothes which still smelled like him. Naneth would find them there, and she cry and come sit with them. And they’d all be cramped but they would somehow feel all together still.

Elrond felt his eyes watering.

We’ll never all be together again.

He wiped furiously at his eyes. Today was supposed to be happy. They were going to go be looked after by family. Family who loved them. Maedhros and Maglor were so nice and kind.

But they’re not Naneth and Adar.

Elrond gulped, his breath was catching, he noticed he was breathing very fast.

He tried to remember what Miss Rên and Athenir had taught him, to slow down his breathing.

He looked to his twin, Elros’ mouth was open as he slept, his breathing deep. Elrond tried hard to match his own breathing to it.

In……and out. In…..and out.

Elros had his tiger tucked under his arm. Elrond looked around for his penguin, the one Maedhros had bought him. It had fallen on the floor, so he scooped it up quickly and stroked its soft belly to say sorry for it falling out of bed. He squeezed it tightly.

Maedhros and Maglor are our family, they said they loved us. Hugs with them are okay.

We’re going to be okay.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, in the gloom of the morning, holding his penguin and matching Elros’ breathing, until there was a knock on the door.

It was Fae. She was soon bustling into the room and pulling back the curtains, letting in the meagre light. ‘Come on sleepyheads, time to wake up! You’ve got a big day today!’

With some grumbling Elros woke up and the two of them got dressed, identical outfits as usual. Elrond liked dressing the same, he felt close to his brother when they wore the same clothes, even though he knew it confused a lot of the grownups.

They brushed through their hair but just let it hang. Fae and Athenir didn’t seem to know how to do the braided hairstyles Naneth and Adar used to do for them; they both had shorter hair than he and his brother. Elros tucked the strands behind his ears. Maybe Maglor could teach them how to do their hair? He and Maedhros always had nicely braided hair when they visited. And Maglor had done his and Elros’ hair on their day out together -he done it so quickly it must be pretty easy!

They packed Tiger and Penguin into the top of their rucksacks and made their way downstairs to breakfast.

Athenir had made scrambled eggs on toast for them, he showed Elrond the egg carton and the bread wrapper to ease his nervousness about the ingredients.

Elros ate his breakfast far too quickly like always and then let out several loud burps which made Elrond laugh and then he got hiccups. This made Elros laugh in turn and Elrond really couldn’t get his hiccups under control at all. So Fae sent Elros upstairs to go brush his teeth.

‘Sip this water Elrond…slowly,’ cautioned Fae, moving a glass of water to him and he took it, still battling the hiccups.

‘Now Maedhros and Maglor will be here soon, is there anything else lying around that you still need to pack?’ she said, looking up from a list pad she kept on the countertop, she drummed the pen against the paper as she thought.

Elrond, not trusting himself to speak without a hiccup interrupting him, shook his head.

‘Fantastic, alright, when your hiccups have gone, you can finish your breakfast and brush your teeth too….Oh dear, they really are strong ones aren’t they?’ She smiled sympathetically at him and Elrond could only sip his water and wait for them to go.

He watched Fae cross several things off the list, scroll on her phone and then write a few more things down.

A particularly fierce hiccup forced its way out of his mouth, ouch!

He focused on Fae, tried counting the piercings on her ears. She’d changed some of them since yesterday, and there were a few more dangling ones today. They were all gold and glinted under the bright kitchen lights.

Fae was chewing her pen, lost in thought. Once Elrond ha counted the earrings, he moved onto her other jewellery. She was also wearing several necklaces today; thin gold ones all layered up on top of one another. Elrond tried to work out how many separate ones there were.

And then there were a number of rings on her fingers, some chunky, some slim. There was one on her left hand which had a diamond in. It was her engagement ring, Elrond recollected. Naneth had had a shiny engagement ring too, but it had been silver.

He blinked, Fae had turned to him and was looking at him expectantly.

Elrond hadn’t noticed his hiccups ending.

He scampered upstairs to brush his teeth. It was just as he was rinsing his mouth out that the doorbell went. Elros thundered past him on the landing, nearly launching himself down the stairs.

‘Aaaaaand that is why I think we need to revisit a stairgate-‘ interrupted Athenir, throwing an arm out to steady Elros, ‘Hold on young man, walk down the stairs. I know, I know you’re excited. I’m sure Maedhros and Maglor are as well but take it steady! Last thing we need is you needing to go to hospital with a broken leg!’

Elros dutifully walked down the stairs but bolted to the door as soon as his feet were on level floor. He tugged it open and flung himself at the first cousin he could see. It was Maedhros.

‘Blimey, hello Elros! How are you?’ Maedhros leant down to reciprocate Elros’ hug. Elros was clinging to him hard. ‘I know,’ reassured Maedhros rubbing his back, ‘I’m so happy to see you too. And excited for today! You’re coming home with us! Are you ready?’

‘Yeah!’ cried Elros looking up at Maedhros.

Elrond had by this time made it to the bottom of the stairs. He waved at Maedhros and Maglor.

Maglor who had appeared behind Maedhros waved enthusiastically back, ‘Hiya Elrond, you doing alright?’

Elrond nodded.

Soon their cousins were inside and Athenir was brewing them cups of tea, Maedhros always said he wanted a ‘decaf’, Elrond didn’t know what flavour that was. He made a note to ask later.

Elros had clambered into Maedhros’ lap at the kitchen table, so Elrond copied him and climbed into Maglor’s lap.

‘You’ve got a tangle in your hair Elrond,’ murmured Maglor behind him, ‘Can I sort it?’ Elrond nodded. Fae managed to retrieve a hairbrush from somewhere and Maglor started gently brushing through the strands.

The grownups were talking about boring stuff. There was a form for Maedhros and Maglor to sign. Elrond watched as Maedhros’ forehead crinkled as he concentrated on writing on the paper; Elros gave that same expression sometimes.

Maglor was still brushing his hair, it felt so nice and soothing. Elrond relaxed and leant into Maglor some more. His cousin was humming a tune under his breath, Elrond hadn’t heard it before, he wondered what the words were.

It wasn’t long until Athenir was announcing it was time to say goodbye and Elrond’s stomach swooped, like that time they’d gone on the beachfront rollercoaster on the promenade. He felt himself freeze.

‘It’s alright Elrond, just take your time okay,’ said Maglor in a low voice. He must noticed how Elrond had reacted.

There was more talking around the table, Maedhros and Elros were getting up and going upstairs to grab his and Elros’ belongings.

Elrond didn’t think he could move.

Maglor asked if he could hold his hand. Elrond shook his head. ‘That’s okay,’ said Maglor, ‘Shall we say goodbye to Athenir and Fae now?’

Elrond shook his head again.

His words had faded away. He twisted his hands in his hoodie sleeves.

‘Okay, we’ll sit awhile,’ said Maglor, he didn’t rush Elrond and Elrond felt very grateful for that. He rubbed and rubbed the sleeves of his hoodie between his thumbs and first finger. The material was ribbed and he liked the texture.

Maglor started humming the tune from before.

‘What song is it?’ Elrond asked, turning his head to look up at his cousin.

‘Hmm?’ asked Maglor, he met Elrond’s eyes. Maglor had the same eye colour as Maedhros, it was greeny-brown and very pretty Elrond thought.

‘The song? What song is it?’

‘Oh!’ then Maglor’s face burst into a brilliant smile, ‘It’s not a song, yet. It’s some music I’m working on. It could be a song. I haven’t decided yet.’

‘It doesn’t have words?’ Elrond asked, slight confused.

‘Not yet! What do you think it sounds like? Is it a happy song or a sad song do you think?’

Maglor hummed the tune again and Elrond listened carefully.

‘It’s a thoughtful song,’ he said after a while, ‘It makes me think.’

‘Fantastic!’ Maglor seemed so happy to hear what Elrond had to say, ‘What does it make you think of?’

Elrond paused, he didn’t know if this would be a silly answer, ‘It makes me think of being in the car and seeing all the houses pass by. They look the same but have different coloured doors. I like the one with the yellow door the most.’

Maglor took a deep breath in, ‘It does,’  he said, ‘Elrond you are a genius, I love your brain. This is awesome!’

Elrond pulled a face, ‘I’ve never heard of a song about different coloured doors before.’

‘So this will be the first! Even better, completely original. Thank you so much for this Elrond. I need to come to you for help more often.’

‘What did I do to help?’

‘Oh just about everything,’ Maglor smiled, ‘When we get to our house, I will show you the music studio and you can have a look at the different instruments I have. You can have a go playing them if you like. Does that sound like something you’d like to do?’

Elrond nodded and gave a tentative smile back.

Maglor shifted in his seat, ‘Shall we think about making a move and saying goodbye now?’ he asked. ‘It’s okay to be sad about it. I’m always sad when I have to say goodbye. But it’s okay because we’ll see Fae and Athenir again, we’ll video call them and we can visit too. We will come back to Sirion Elrond, this is where you guys are from. Besides, we promised your Haruni Idril we’d come here for holidays, so we’ll definitely be back!’

It wasn’t goodbye forever. It wasn’t goodbye forever.

It was living with Maedhros and Maglor forever, but it didn’t mean they were gone from Sirion forever.

‘We’ll come back?’ he asked, his voice cracked a bit.

‘Of course we will,’ said Maglor quite seriously now, ‘We’ll do lots of visits. Like I said, we’ll come back to visit Haruni Idril and Haru Tuor, and we can see Fae and Athenir as well. It’s not a forever goodbye Elrond. Just goodbye for now.’

‘Okay.’

Elrond felt a bit silly for thinking it had been goodbye forever. His eyes began to water.

It was goodbye forever for Naneth and Adar, so he’d thought it was goodbye forever with Fae and Athenir as well.

He climbed down from Maglor’s lap and when his cousin reached out a hand tentatively, Elrond took it. Maglor walked beside him into the hallway. Elros was hugging Fae and Athenir goodbye, Maedhros had both backpacks slung over his back.

As Elros let go of Fae, he spotted Elrond.

‘Elrond! Are you okay?’ he came up and took Elrond’s other hand.

‘Yeah,’ said Elrond, ‘It’s not goodbye forever.’

‘Of course not!’ said Athenir, ‘We’ll see you both again!’

‘Come here sweetheart,’ Fae was gesturing to Elrond, ‘Would you like a hug?’

Elrond hesitated, Fae quickly said, ‘Hold my hands?’ Elrond reached out and put his hands in hers.

‘You are a very brave young man,’ said Fae to him, looking him in the eyes, ‘I’ve so enjoyed having you stay with us and getting to know you. You have a really interesting mind, and I love how much you like to read books! Next time we see you, you’ll have to tell me all about the books you’ve read. I wish you all the best for the future Elrond. You are very special.’

Elrond couldn’t look at her anymore. He looked at his socks instead.

Fae gave a friendly laugh and squeezed his hands. And then Athenir was kneeling down to say his goodbyes. ‘Elrond my man, my stoic warrior. You take care of your brother okay? And let Elros take care of you. You’ve gotta look after each other, it’s special the bond you have.’

Elrond nodded, still looking at his socks. They were blue today.

‘It’s been so good to have you here, I’ve loved it! Even when I’m tripping over footballs and muddy boots. You remember how loved you are Elrond, we’ve really loved you so much, okay? Don’t forget that’.

Elrond felt tears welling up in his eyes, one drop fell and landed on the laminate next to his foot.

Athenir was soothing him, ‘Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s sad to say goodbye, but it just makes the next time we see each other all the more exciting okay? It’s alright Elrond.’

It was a bit of a blur then, Maglor helped him with his shoes and they were walking out to the car. Maglor lifted him into the carseat and buckled him in. Elrond was on the side of the car away from the front door of the house so he had to lean forwards to see Fae and Athenir standing there, smiles on their faces and waving.

‘Right boys, it’s a long drive so shout if you need the toilet alright and we’ll stop. We’ll have a break for lunch anyway,’ said Maglor tapping away at the car’s computer screen. Maedhros ignited the engine.

‘Okay big waves to Fae and Athenir, bye guys! I’ll text when we’ve made it back!’ cried Maglor out of his open window.

They all waved as the car pulled off and away, the last thing Elrond saw was Fae and Athenir shrinking in sight still waving until they went around a corner.

‘You did so well you two,’ said Maglor leaning back in his seat to look at them, ‘Goodbyes are hard, but we’ll video call them and keep in touch. Alright, who wants music?’

They listened to a range of songs then, Maglor and Elros singing every word. Elrond looked out of the car window, watching the houses rush past.

He’d never been out of Sirion before, never left the city. He imagined what Maedhros and Maglor’s house might look like. Well, they’d see it soon, he supposed.

Before long the white houses were thinning out and they were driving on the motorway. There were more fields and woodland to look at now. It was very flat land, Elrond could see for miles and miles. The sky was grey, and the horizon looked very dark.

‘S’gonna rain,’ said Maedhros as he overtook a lorry on the motorway, ‘We’re driving right into it, did you pack umbrellas Kàno?’

‘Who’s Kàno?’ asked Elros, curious.

‘Oh it’s me,’ said Maglor with a laugh, ‘It’s my family nickname, my full name is Makalaure Kanafinwe, so my brothers call me Kàno for short.’

‘That’s such a long name!’ cried Elros.

Elrond thought it was a beautiful name, it sounded very musical and seemed to suit Maglor well.

‘Oh I know Elros, tell me about it. Imagine trying to learn how to spell it at school!’

‘My name’s easy! But then, everyone always gets us mixed up,’ complained Elros.

‘That must be frustrating,’ replied Maglor, ‘Does it happen a lot?’

‘All the time!’ wailed Elros.

‘Not all the time,’ interjected Elrond, ‘Just some of the time.’

‘Mmmm, well I think anyone who gets to know you properly will be able to recognise each of you,’ said Maglor, ‘Do you like dressing the same?’

‘Yes,’ they both said at once. Elrond felt warm inside at the fact both he and his twin had the same answer. There was no one he knew better, or knew him better.

‘Alright then,’ said Maglor, ‘We can sort that easily, until you want to do something differently.’

‘What if we always want to dress the same?’ asked Elros.

‘Then that’s fine too, what clothes you want to wear is up to you,’ said Maglor, ‘We’ve got some of your clothes but we’ll need to go shopping soon and get you new things, especially as you’re growing so fast!’

‘I need new football boots, some of the studs have come off,’ said Elros.

Maglor smiled, ‘Let me take a look and see, but if you need new ones we can get you some.’

And that was a cue for Elros to start chattering away about football. Elros zoned out a bit and returned to looking out of the window. He also sometimes looked at Maedhros who was driving. The way the rear-view mirror was angled meant that he could see Maedhros’ face and sometimes his cousin met his eyes in the mirror. Whenever it happened, Maedhros smiled at him.

They crossed over bridges, there was river running down in the valleys below. They seemed to be following the river, sometimes on one side of it, sometimes on the other.

They stopped the car several times on the journey, for toilet breaks and then for lunch in a nice town with a park. Elros wanted to go on the climbing frame but their cousins made them sit for  ten minutes to let their food go down before they ran around.

It started raining just as Elrond was going down the slide. Luckily they were wearing raincoats and Maedhros put up a large umbrella and they sheltered under it as they scampered back to the car laughing.

It was raining really hard. Maedhros had to put the windscreen wipers on full blast to be able to see. He took it a lot slower now on the motorway, there was so much spray!

Maglor put on an audiobook for them to listen to as Maedhros said he needed to concentrate and couldn’t do that with people talking.

The audio book was interesting, it was about a brother and sister who were trying to solve a mystery of their missing dog. There were a series of clues which led them to work out their dog had had an eventful day on adventures in their village but they found him safe and sound back in their house!

Elrond enjoyed the story and even Elros listened nicely to it. His brother seemed to be taking the request to not distract Maedhros really seriously and was properly listening.

The story ended and Maglor said they weren’t too far from home now.

Home.

It didn’t feel like home yet. Home to Elrond was still their flat in Sirion, and now confusingly Fae and Athenir’s place. But this new place was going to become their home. It was a little bit exciting. Elrond was curious to see it now. What would his and Elros’ bedroom look like?

Maedhros was driving the car down quieter streets now, taking a few more turns and then they were suddenly pulling into a driveway.

It was still raining. Maedhros unbuckled his seatbelt and said he’d come around to their doors with the umbrella so they wouldn’t get wet. Maglor was going to get their bags from the boot of the car.

Elrond got out first and then walked with Maedhros to the other side to collect his twin. He was better able to see the house now. Whilst there were some similarities to the kind of buildings Elrond was used to - the house was built from a pale stone and had a dark tiled roof - it was a different style to the houses in Sirion.  Sirion houses tended to be slim and tall however, this house was much wider with a sprawling garden disappearing around the side.

Several large trees surrounded the property, acting as a shield from the neighbouring houses.  Their branches were wet; raindrops were tumbling from the leaves into murky puddles on the ground. From the car, there was a path from the driveway up some stone steps to the navy-blue front door. Elrond was trying to count the steps but then he squeaked as Maedhros and Elros had started walking to the house with the umbrella and Elrond was no longer covered.

‘Oh sorry Elrond!’ called out Maedhros. He held the umbrella in his left hand and gestured with his stump, ‘Come here, stay close. Gosh this rain is hammering down, let’s get inside.’

They hurried forwards together, Elrond and Elros sticking close to Maedhros like ducklings. Up, up, up the steps to where it was dry under the porch roof.

Maedhros collapsed the umbrella and put it in a stand by the door. He retrieved a key fob from his pocket and used it to open the door. ‘We don’t have a traditional key because they can be tricky to do with just one hand,’ he explained, ‘So we have a key fob, nice and easy and you’ll each have one for emergencies.’

Holding the door open for them he ushered Elrond and Elros to enter. ‘Inside boys and we can get warm and dry. Here’s Kàno now.’

Maglor was running and yelping as he ran across the path and up the front steps with their bags but no umbrella, it was surprising how wet he was getting. Giggling, Elrond and Elros watched him as he jumped inside and shut the door quickly.

‘Hey! You find it so funny huh?’ Maglor flicked water droplets at them which only made them squeal and laugh harder. Elrond was in danger of his hiccups returning.

Maedhros attempted to install some calm by showing them where to hang their coats and store their shoes before leading them through to the main hallway.

‘Let’s do a tour and we’ll show you your new room,’ he said with a smile, ‘This is your home now, as much as it is ours, and we want you to feel so very welcome.’

It was a beautiful home. It was light and there was lots of space. Their entire flat in Sirion could have almost fit in the living room which was the first room off the hallway on the left.

Elrond gasped at the piano by the floor to ceiling windows. It was the first thing you saw as you entered the living space.

‘This is my grand piano,’ said Maglor proudly stepping forward and patting it gently, ‘It’s very precious to me so the rule is you only play it when I am around okay? Just ask me. I’ve got lots of other instruments that you can mess around with, but I’d like it if you can be careful around this one alright?’

‘Maglor can play for us later,’ said Maedhros, ‘I like it when he plays.’

Elrond’s eyes ran over the sleek design, the polished black lacquer, the memory of Maglor’s playing at Naneth’s funeral dancing in his mind.

‘We’ll be good, we promise,’ said Elros earnestly, Elrond nodded in agreement.

Continuing, they moved through the living room past the huge light brown sofa, around the coffee table and past the fireplace with a large TV over the mantlepiece. Elrond’s eyes were trying to take it all in. Their friends had had TVs that big, but in their Siron flat they’d just had a small one, and they’d mostly watched stuff on Naneth’s phone.

The living room connected to the kitchen. It was bright and white, the worktops gleaming under the ceiling spotlights when Maedhros flicked on the light switch. A circular table was to one side with four chairs around it.

There was a second piano here, a smaller, upright one and Maglor told them they could play this anytime they wanted. It was set into a shelving unit which spread across the entire wall. Books and various knick-knacks caught Elrond’s eye, including several photo frames full of photos of smiling people. Elrond recognised Maedhros and Maglor in a few but the rest of the people he didn’t know.

The kitchen looked onto a huge garden. Elros ran forwards straight away and pressed hands and face to the glass doors that led out onto a raised patio.

‘It’s the size of a whole football pitch!’ he yelled, excited.

It wasn’t really, but it was big. Elrond looked out across the flowerbeds to the lawn and the large trees all the way at the bottom of the garden. Forget his thoughts from earlier, this entire garden was three times bigger than their flat in Sirion.

‘Are you rich?’ he asked, looking up at his cousins who had come to stand closeby.

The two of them exchanged a glance, ‘Er, we have more money than some people and less money than others,’ said Maedhros in what Elrond thought was a complete non-answer. He frowned.

‘We have jobs that pay very well,’ chipped in Maglor.

‘Speak for yourself brother,’ muttered Maedhros.

Elrond was still no clearer on whether his cousins were the richest people he knew. Their house was massive. Things like this cost a lot of money. Naneth was always worrying about money.

‘Elrond don’t worry about it okay, we’re comfortable, and we’re so happy that we get to share this house and garden and all the stuff inside with you,’ said Maglor. ‘Now how about we continue showing you around?’

Next, they toured the dining room although Maedhros said they hardly ever ate in there and instead they were most likely to sit at the kitchen table to eat their meals. There were some steps down to the basement where there was a laundry room and gym, neither of which interested the twins.

Then it was onto Maglor’s studio. It was a cave of wonders. Dark and cosy, the walls were painted black and the wooden floor was covered in a large brown patterned rug. There were guitars of all shapes and sizes hanging on the walls and a huge desk covered in lots of different machines and screens. There was an electronic piano next to the desk which could be easily reached if a person was sitting in the black swivel chair. A drum-kit was crammed into a corner of the room, next to a set of speakers. There were wires everywhere, connecting it all together. Alongside one of the walls was brown leather sofa with fluffy orange cushions.

Elrond’s eyes were goggling to take it all in.

‘This is my favourite place to hang out,’ sighed Maglor happily, turning in the space with his hands held out, ‘I make music here, I love playing instruments.’

‘What’s your favourite?’ asked Elros excitedly.

‘I like the piano best, although guitar and violin are also great,’ responded Maglor, but he looked distracted, like he was searching for something, ‘Speaking of?’

‘Your violin is most likely in your room,’ answered Maedhros, ‘You were playing it the other night.’

‘Oh that’s right!’ said Maglor brightly.

Elrond noticed Maglor seemed to sparkle when he talking about music, it was clearly something he was very passionate about. He looked at all the instruments in the room, ‘You have a lot of guitars Maglor,’ he observed.

‘He does,’ agreed Maedhros in a wry tone. ‘I’m glad you noticed Elrond.’

‘Now, now, they all sound different, I promise you!’ protested Maglor.

And Elrond watched as his two cousins started bickering in front of him and Elros, Maedhros teasing Maglor about how a guitar was a guitar and owning about seven different ones was ridiculous.

Maglor took it in his stride, it was clearly something they’d debated before. Elrond watched the back and forth between them, it was hard to know who to agree with. Elrond decided he should probably hear all of the guitars to see whether they did indeed sound the same or different like Maglor claimed.

Maedhros held up a hand to stop their discussion, ‘Anyway, we’re digressing, on with the tour Kàno!’

‘Right you are!’ Maglor saluted him and Elrond did not miss the way Maedhros rolled his eyes at that.

They were back into the hallway and were shown the final room on the ground floor, the library.

‘This is a nice quiet chill space,’ explained Maedhros, ‘And we wanted this to be a space where you could come if you’re missing your parents. Look we’ve put some photos of your Ammë and Atar here.’

Elrond and his twin approached the lowest shelf which had at least four or five different photos of their parents. Even one of them all together as a family when he and Elros were babies.

Elrond reached out to trace Naneth’s face in one of the photos, it was from when she and Adar had got married, she looked so happy. He sniffed and screwed up his face, he didn’t want to cry, not in front of everyone. They’d only just got here to their new home!

‘We say Naneth and Adar,’ said Elros, his voice sounding choked. Elrond reached out and took his brother’s hand, squeezing it.

‘We can call them that if you want,’ said Maedhros kindly, ‘We grew up with a different dialect in the North compared to Sirion so we say Ammë and Atar, but your parents can stay Naneth and Adar if you prefer.’

‘Thank you,’ said Elrond.

‘You’re very welcome. It’s no trouble at all,’ reassured Maedhros, ‘Would either of you like a hug?’

Elros pressed his face into Maedhros’ legs almost immediately and the tall man crouched down to better embrace him. Elrond hesitated but then also moved to him and Maedhros hugged them both tightly.

It felt nice. Maedhros had long arms that could go around the both of them.

‘We are so happy you are here with us,’ Maedhros said, ‘Now, let’s not stay too sad, today is an exciting day, let’s go see your room!’

Upstairs they went and were showed Maedhros and Maglor’s bedrooms and the family bathroom. There seemed to be lots of other rooms but apparently they were spare bedrooms for visiting family members. Elrond remembered that Maedhros and Maglor had lots of other brothers, that must have been them in the photos in the kitchen.

And then there was another level to the house! It kept on going up! Here the ceilings were sloping and Maedhros had to sometimes duck his head because he was so tall.

Maglor went first and pushed open a door on the left to reveal their new bedroom.

It was a bright and cheerful room and much bigger than their room at Fae and Athenir’s and their room in their Sirion flat. It had a seaside theme with light blue walls and a deep blue carpet. There were pictures of the beach and sea on the walls. Twin beds were set up against one of the walls with ocean-themed bedding and shell cushions. There was a fun sand coloured fluffy rug on the floor, with a chest of drawers under the window and a wardrobe in the corner.

‘Who’s going to have which bed?’ asked Maglor. He’d brought up their rucksacks for them and had retrieved Penguin and Tiger. Elrond grabbed Tiger and jumped on the bed closest to the door.

‘This will be mine!’

‘You alright with that Elrond?’

‘Yeah,’ Elrond replied, it was fine, he would clamber into Elros’ bed that night anyway. Maglor handed him Penguin and Elrond put the plushie on his pillow. Penguin looked very at home amongst the beach-theme, like he belonged.

‘Fantastic,’ said Maglor, ‘Now if you look in these here-‘ he opened the chest of drawers to reveal the inside contents, ‘All your clothes are here, if anything doesn’t fit you let us know and we can go shopping for new things for you.’

‘Is this our stuff from home?’ asked Elros amazed, pulling out a t-shirt which Elrond recognised.

Maedhros nodded, ‘Yes it is, and if you come through here,’ he led them back out into the hallway and to the room next door, ‘This is your playroom and we brought your toys over.’

‘MY TIGERS!’ Elros screamed and ran into the room to leap at the pile of tigers which had been neatly arranged on a bean bag. Elrond had forgotten how many his brother had collected over the years. He’d had his favourite Tiger that he slept with and was the one he’d taken with him when they’d been collected by Rehta and moved to Fae and Athenir’s but he’d actually got lots more.

‘I thought they were all gone,’ said Elrond, amazed. He recognised nearly all the toys in this room. What was new was the playroom itself. A whole room to play in.

The room itself was incredible. It had sloping ceilings but there was a climbing wall running up the side wall and bars on the ceiling above foam padding. In another corner there was also a hanging cocoon seat, Elrond wanted to sit in it immediately.

The walls were bright and there was mural along the opposite wall to the climb-zone. mural was fittingly of a jungle with cartoon tigers and monkeys hiding amongst the painted leaves.

‘We went to the flat and collected your things,’ explained Maedhros, ‘We’ve got your clothes and toys and we’ve even got your Naneth’s and Adar’s things as well, we can show you later and you can have them when you’re older. It’s all been saved for you.’

Elrond was lost for words but this time it wasn’t because he was sad, it was because he was happy.

Elros was ecstatic and after squeezing all of his tigers hello was now running around the room like a lunatic, going from the painting easel, to the bookcase to the bean bags to the climbing wall. Maglor showed him how to get started and soon Elros was away clambering up like it was no bother.

Elrond watched his brother for a while, just standing in the room, letting everything from the day soak in. They were here now. This was going to be their home.

‘Thank you’ Elrond said sincerely, looking up at Maedhros, thank you for letting us live with you and for taking care of us and getting our stuff and giving us new stuff too.’

‘Oh Elrond, it’s honestly our pleasure, you’re family. We are a family now, it will take a little while for you to settle in of course, but you’re here and you belong. We love you so much.’

‘Thank you’ said Elrond simply, unable to say much else. He even found the courage to reach out his hand to Maedhros, who took it so gently like it was something precious and Elrond supposed it was.

‘Why don’t we go read a book,’ suggested Maedhros, ‘I got the snail one you liked so much, want to read it?’

‘Yes please!’

Home.

Chapter Text

Maedhros

*

Maedhros hardly slept a wink that first night Elros and Elrond were home. It was still so new. He’d been thinking about them moving in and hoping for the foster confirmation for months and now it was here, it was like he couldn’t believe it and didn’t want to sleep in case it was all a dream.

That first evening, after the long drive to bring them home, they’d all had dinner together, then Maglor and Maedhros had taken the twins through their new bedtime routine of a bath and then storybook. Maedhros heard the shrieks and splashes from the family bathroom down in the kitchen when he’d been stacking the dishwasher. He’d chuckled as he wiped down the worktops, glad that Maglor had volunteered himself for bathtime duties.

Upstairs, he’d found two small boys bundled up in towels and his brother wringing his own hair out looking disgruntled, a sopping shirt clinging to his skin.

‘Little fiends,’ grumbled Maglor.

Maedhros had had to supress a snigger, ‘Boys, maybe let’s not create a tsunami when it’s bathtime alright?’ he’d said, managing to keep a straight face, ‘Poor Maglor can’t be getting this wet every night.’

Elros and Elrond did have the grace to look a little chagrined, but they weren’t in serious trouble; Maedhros knew his brother had likely egged them on to begin with. He’d then helped towel dry their hair, and brushed the ends through lightly with a comb, slightly tricky with just the one hand but he’d managed.

Taking over from Maglor -who’d gone to dry off and change his clothes – he’d shepherded the children up to their room, helped them into clean pyjamas and let them choose a book for bedtime.

Maedhros hadn’t been sure who’s bed to sit on but Elrond and Elros had jumped into the same one and so somehow they’d all squished in together as Maedhros had read them a short story. They’d listened well and had tried to guess the ending before Maedhros got to it, commenting on different themes and pictures they saw on the pages.

Maedhros had forgotten what magic a bedtime book could bring, happy memories filled his mind as he recalled reading aloud and sharing his love of books with many younger brothers.

Story finished, he’d asked, ‘Now do you want kisses before bed and do you want the night light on?’ He’d got up from the bed and set the book back on the shelf.

Elros had immediately said light on, so Maedhros had turned off the main light and just left on a small light between the beds, which resembled a cute blue whale, very in-keeping for their ocean themed room. Both boys were still in the same bed, and Maedhros had figured they might stay like that all night. He had no issue with it, whatever was most comfy for them.

It’s not as if Kàno and I don’t share a bed sometimes.

There had been hesitation over kisses however.

‘If you say no, I will still offer kisses tomorrow and every other night,’ Maedhros had assured them, ‘It can depend on how you feel each day.’ He felt strongly about giving them a choice every day on the level of affection they wanted to receive. He wanted to squeeze them and cuddle them so much, but as this was all so new it needed to be on their terms.

‘Then I do want a kiss,’ announced Elros, the covers brought up to under his chin, ‘Adar gave us kisses, and Naneth.’

‘Alright,’ said Maedhros, ‘Where do you want the kiss? Forehead or hand?’

Elros had opted for his head and Elrond, after deliberation had chosen hand. Maedhros had given them each a peck goodnight, and then had left the room, closing the door softly behind him.

His breath had caught in his chest, he’d blinked his eyes hard. How is it possible I love them this much?

He’d then sat there, on the stairs by their bedroom door for an hour until he was sure they were asleep. Maglor had come to check on him, even bringing him a sleepy tea.

‘They’re safe, they’re home with us now.’

‘I know Kàno, but when will it feel real?’ he’d asked.

Maglor had shrugged, ‘When it does will you let me know?’

Now, it was early morning and Maedhros was looking blearily out across his shadowed backyard as the sun tried to emerge over the hedgerow. There were no birds on his new birdfeeder yet, none bold enough to check it out. Although he knew they would in time, once food elsewhere became scarce; it was well and truly settling in for the darker months now.

The kettle was boiling for tea, and he poured it over a lemon and ginger teabag. Leaving it to steep and cool on the worktop he went down to the gym to do a quick run on the treadmill.

Maedhros had been trying to gradually increase his exercise over the course of the past few weeks; conscious that he wanted to be in good shape to keep up with two small and energetic boys. Besides, exercise used to be something he’d enjoyed a lot before his injury. Although, he’d taken for granted that playing sport to a high standard in school and then being in the armed forces resulted in him benefitting from a high level of physical fitness that had been largely easy to maintain.

But now, he was starting from, well not zero exactly, because his physio and rehab for his hand had built him up from nothing to what was probably a normal level of sedentary. Still, he had a long way to go. A twenty-minute run followed by cool down stretches and a perfunctory shower was enough for today.

With his tea cooled nicely to a drinkable temperature when he returned upstairs, he drank it as he set about toasting crumpets for breakfast.

Whether it was the smell of melted butter on griddled bread or the warming house from the central heating turning on, something enticed the newest inhabitants of the house down into the kitchen. Maedhros heard the patter of small feet on the stairs as they descended and marvelled at how right it sounded, as if the house itself had been yearning for children to fill it.

‘Morning Elros, morning Elrond,’ Maedhros greeted the children as they entered the kitchen holding hands and looking a bit unfamiliar in their new setting, ‘How did you sleep?’

Elros shrugged and Elrond worried at his sleeves. Both boys were dressed already, in identical outfits they’d picked themselves from the drawers. Red T-shirts with patterns of dragons on them, their blue zip-up hoodies from yesterday, green football shorts and black socks with stars on them. It was terribly mismatched but also endearing.

‘Well I didn’t sleep very well at all,’ he told them in an effort to be open and honest, ‘So I plan to have a nap this afternoon and to take it a bit easier today.’

‘Why didn’t you sleep?’ asked Elros.

‘I was thinking too much,’ replied Maedhros, ‘Sometimes my brain finds it hard to turn off and go to sleep.’

‘Your brain is silly,’ laughed Elros.

However, Elrond looked more sombre, ‘My brain is like that sometimes,’ he said.

‘Sometimes brains are silly. Lots of people find it hard to sleep,’ said Maedhros aiming to offer reassurance, ‘If you find your brain is like that a lot Elrond, and you are struggling to sleep, you can go and find Maglor. He’s very good at helping my brain be calm and sleepy in the middle of the night. I know he will do his best to help you too.’

Between the two of them, Maedhros and Maglor had decided that Maglor would take the night shift with the kids if needed, as he was a night owl and often awake until gone midnight; working in his studio or bedroom, playing instruments and composing music. Whereas, Maedhros went to bed early and woke up early, often struggling with his sleep on account of his PTSD and anxiety. He wasn’t on nightly sleep medication anymore but still had them in his bedside drawer for the nights when things were bad.

Last night, instead of being restless on account of his trauma, Maedhros’ brain was so wired from the day’s activities alongside the intense new feeling of protection the boys awoke within him. It was a lot, and his brain had not shut up about it.

You can relax now, they’re here, they’re safe. It’s a big adjustment for everybody, you’ve all go to get used to one another and figure out this new normal and learn to be a family.

Maedhros knew rationally that he was doing okay. He knew how to look after little boys, he was good at it. But still, he felt a fractious, anxious energy in his body not helped by lack of sleep. A nap this afternoon would go some way to remedy that. Hopefully.

‘Now, what would you two like for breakfast?’ he asked, listing off the options and getting cereal packets down from the cupboard to show Elrond the ingredients list. Maedhros had triple checked for peanuts and had even ordered from a particular brand which specialised in nut-free products, so he was confident they were safe for his cousin to eat.

Satisfied, Elrond picked the chocolaty one and Elros copied him. Soon, they were both munching away at the kitchen table as Maedhros brewed himself another cup of lemon and ginger tea.

Elros wrinkled his nose at the smell as Maedhros set it down on the table to join them. It was so comical Maedhros chuckled, ‘Don’t worry I won’t make you drink it,’ he said, hugging the cup as he waited for it to cool.

‘Is it decaf flavour?’ asked Elrond swallowing a mouthful of chocolate flakes.

Maedhros actually had to pause for a second to understand Elrond’s question, but then he smiled. ‘Ah, no, decaf isn’t a flavour. It’s a category of drink. Sometimes drinks come with something called caffeine in them, and it makes you less sleepy and more awake.’

‘Then why don’t you have that if you didn’t sleep very well?’ Elros’ face was the picture of puzzlement.

‘Because Elros, it gives me a headache and messes with my medication that I take each day,’ explained Maedhros patiently, ‘besides, reliance on something like caffeine to stay awake isn’t as good as actually getting the sleep in the first place. But Maglor will tell you a different story. He has to have his caffeinated coffee in the morning otherwise he’s a grumpyguts.’

The twins giggled at that.

‘How long have you been brothers for?’ asked Elrond, firing off another question to Maedhros that seemed to follow some six-year old’s mysterious logic.

‘-I, er, how long? Oh, I see what you mean. You want to know because we aren’t twins?’

‘Yeah, we’ve been brothers our whole life,’ said Elrond, somewhat proudly like it was a big achievement.

Maedhros nodded, for he supposed it was. ‘Well, I’m thirty-three and Maglor is…oh gosh, can I even remember? er….I was one and half years old when he was born and his birthday is March so he must be thirty-one? Yeah I think that’s right, so he’s been my brother for thirty-one years.’

‘That’s so long!’ cried Elros, ‘You’re so old!’

Maedhros huffed, ‘That’s not the insult you think it is. I’ve got six younger brothers, I have always felt old Elros.’

‘Are those your brothers in the photo?’ asked Elrond, pointing to some of the frames on the shelving unit along the kitchen wall.

‘Yes!’ said Maedhros brightly; happy that Elrond had noticed. There was already a photo of the twins on the shelves taken by Maglor the day they visited to Sirion Castle, the first of many he was sure. Maedhros stood up and retrieved the photo. It was from Curufin’s Master’s graduation last year -  his brother’s intelligence had earned him a place at university a year earlier than normal, and now he was fast-tracking his way to his doctorate.

Maedhros set the photo down on the table, propping it up against the milk bottle.

‘By some miracle we actually look alright in this one,’ he explained, ‘Normally it’s very hard to get us all in one photo, our Ammë despairs. But Curufin’s girlfriend took this photo of us. So, look, here I am.’ And he pointed with his left index finger to the static image of him stood at the back - as usual because of his height.

‘Your hair is longer now,’ observed Elrond.

‘Yes, I’m growing it out,’ replied Maedhros. He still hadn’t decided what he was going to do with it, he wasn’t sure he wanted it much longer; it was going to get more difficult to manage especially with one hand. Not impossible, but perhaps more than he wanted to deal with.

‘Anyway, there’s me, and there’s Maglor, looking fashionable as always.’

‘Who’s that?’ asked Elros pointing at Caranthir.

‘That’s Caranthir.’

‘Is he the next oldest?’

‘No, that would be Celegorm, he’s the blonde one with the ridiculous moustache - here,’ Maedhros pointed at Celegorm’s grinning face.

‘And this one?’

‘That’s Curufin, he’s after Caranthir.’

‘How are we supposed to remember all these people?’ whined Elros.

‘You don’t have to it’s fine-‘

But Maedhros was interrupted by Elrond counting on his fingers ‘Maedhros, Maglor, Celegorm, Caranthir and Curufin.’

‘That’s perfect Elrond,’ said Maedhros slightly taken aback Elrond had got it in one.

‘That’s five, isn’t there seven of you?’

‘Yep, so finally we have the twins -my twin brothers- Amras here, and Amrod here.’ He pointed to the identical faces in the photograph. Distinguishable only because he knew them so well.

‘Maedhros, Maglor, Celegorm, Caranthir, Curufin, Amras and Amrod,’ repeated Elrond several times. Then Elros was joining in and the two of them made a little sing-song rhyme to remember them.

‘There you go boys, you’ve got it,’ praised Maedhros. ‘And then last but not least we have our Ammë here, her name is Nerdanel. But you can call her Haruni Nerdanel if you want. I know she’d be okay with that.’

‘She’s not really our grandma though, that’s Mam Idril,’ said Elrond, his eyebrows pinching together.

‘I know, but we’re still all family and most people have two grandmothers. So if you’d like to call her Haruni, it’s up to you, but it’d be totally fine.’

I know for a fact she’d be delighted, but again, Maedhros was willing to be led by the twins and what they were comfortable with. Such as yesterday when they wanted him to call their parents by the Sindarin dialect.

Elrond looked deep in thought for a few minutes, ‘It’s okay?’

‘It is.’

‘Okay,’ he said, ‘Haruni Nerdanel.’

‘She has red hair like you and Amras and Amrod!’ said Elros who was leaning over the table to inspect the family photo.

‘She does.’

‘Where’s your Adar?’

He should have expected it but still, the question hit Maedhros like a punch to the gut, and he paused, winded. It had been some time since his Atar had passed and whilst the grief wasn’t fresh, it also wasn’t used to being confronted in this way. Most people Maedhros interacted with either didn’t have cause to ask, or knew the family in some way and were aware Fëanor had died five years ago.

Clearing his throat which now had a lump in it, he said ‘Our Atar, he er, he died Elros. He died a while ago.’ He let out a heavy breath as his eyes unfocused.

‘It’s okay Maedhros,’ said Elrond, reaching out a little hand and placing it cautiously on his stump, ‘Our Adar died too.’

It was such a touching gesture Maedhros was nearly brought to tears, he patted Elrond’s hand with his left, sandwiching it lovingly. ‘Oh I know Elrond, and I’m so, so sorry. I guess we have that in common hmmmm.’

‘Do you have a photo of him?’ Elros was inspecting the other photos on the shelves.

‘Yes, um, hold on I can fetch it.’ Maedhros somewhat reluctantly extricated himself from Elrond’s small but warm hand to stand and grab the photo Elros was after on a high shelf.

‘This is mine and my brothers’ Atar, his name was Fëanor,’ said Maedhros, showing them the photo.

Fëanor Noldoran stared out from the photo, his gaze almost as piercing as it was when he was alive. He was handsome with an angular face, proud nose and hazel eyes inherited by all his offspring. Maedhros didn’t see too much of his own facial features in his father yet if Curufin ever needed to know what he would look like when he was fifty then all he had to do was gaze at this photo of their Atar. At the time of the photo, taken just a few short months before his passing, Fëanor had been ageing gracefully with salt and pepper hair at the temples, some laughter lines around his eyes and a strong eleven between his brows.

‘Did you play games with your Adar?’ asked Elros, and it was such a sweet question Maedhros blinked for a few seconds before he felt able to answer. In recent times Fëanor had been a popular topic in his therapy and Maedhros was more used to examining negative internalised emotions and unlearning complex thought patterns that could be attributed to his Atar’s parenting. If one only heard that side of things, they’d surely get an unfavourable opinion of his father.

For yes, Fëanor had been relentless in the pursuit of perfection. Striving for standards that were for everyone else completely unachievable. His high and exacting expectations, along with long stretches of absence due to his work had left its mark on all his sons, showing up in a myriad of different ways. From Maedhros’ rebellion in joining the military, to Celegorm’s isolation and shunning of society, to Curufin’s almost neurotic level of imitation. Even Maglor, who on the surface seemed to have it all together, took it upon himself to be the family’s emotional regulator, seeking to soothe Fëanor’s temper and try to head off any disputes. Caranthir, in some senses wilder than even Celegorm, had oscillated between sweet child and cruel teenager, only now mellowing out with a lot of personal growth. The twins had perhaps been affected least but still, Amras had had his own struggles….

However, all that being said, Maedhros knew his Atar had loved him. Fëanor had loved his wife and had loved his children. When he had been present he’d strap whichever baby there was currently to his chest and take them everywhere with him. He would sit and answer endless questions thrown at him by inquisitive toddlers with a remarkable patience. He’d run wild with them outdoors, building tree forts and dens and making up adventures, fostering unlimited imagination. He had given them the best education available with prestigious schooling and many family outings which had become field trips in their own right. He’d encouraged whatever special interest they’d had, even if they were outlandish, varied, and changed frequently. They’d had a freedom growing up which privilege could afford and Maedhros did have many happy memories of his father to go alongside the more difficult ones.

It's complex, reflected Maedhros, how do you summarise everything Atar was? He was extraordinary and loving, but demanding and pressurising…He was…. human I guess.

For the sake of Elros’ question however, it wasn’t with too much difficulty Maedhros was able to answer his cousin with a genuine smile, ‘Yes Elros, we played many games with our Atar.’

‘Football?’

‘Sometimes! We played all sorts: tennis, rugby, football, cricket. He taught us how to swim-‘

‘Our Adar taught us how to swim!’ exclaimed Elros excitedly, ‘We swam in the sea and in the pool!’

‘That’s fantastic! You’ll have to show me and Maglor when we next go swimming,’ said Maedhros, ‘We might even go next week, but we should check your swim things all still fit you first.’

‘Will you play football with us today?’ Elros was practically bouncing in his chair with barely contained energy; the chocolate cereal was definitely kicking in.

‘I- maybe,’ replied Maedhros, hedging and giving a non-committal answer which of course led to many pleas and persuasions from Elros as he tried to finish his cup of tea.

Gosh, I really am going to have to go all in on football aren’t I? At least he’s not pestering me about a cat.

It was then Maglor decided to grace them with his presence in the kitchen and was immediately looped into the conversation. By the time Maglor had finished eating -a bowl of the same chocolate cereal because Maedhros’ younger brother was a child – both men had promised they would play football with the boys after they’d brushed their teeth and done their hair.

*

Forget running, if Maedhros was expected to play football with Elros every day he’d be fit in no time. Also, his lawn was going to be ruined.

Elros followed Maedhros into the boot room, sitting down on the bench to tug his football boots off. They fell to the floor in a clatter. His shins were filthy with mud and grass stains, his face was flushed with exertion, and his hair was wildly coming out of its braid.

He’d played well. Maedhros didn’t know too much about football, but he could tell Elros had an ease around the ball which neither he, nor Maglor, nor Elrond had. Even at six years old he seemed to be able to get the ball to do what he wanted, only losing possession when Maedhros or Maglor used their longer legs to their advantage.

It had been a lot of fun, Maglor had been in goal and Elrond, Elros and Maedhros on the attack. Maedhros was excused from all future goalie duty on account of only having one hand, much to his relief.

Lots of goals had been scored and lots of celebrations had. Elrond had even performed a semi-decent cartwheel when he put one past Maglor.

Now though, they were out of puff and probably needed a rinse down, Elrond’s shins were almost as stained as his brother’s. Maedhros ushered them to the laundry room, helping them out of their dirty clothes and lifting them up in turn to sit on the counter-top, ankles in the sink as he ran warm water to wash as much of the muck off as possible.

‘Chuck your clothes into the washing machine, no, that’s the dryer, the other one, yep that’s it Elrond,’ he guided as he scrubbed Elros’ legs with soap.

‘That tickles!’ yelped the boy and tried to wriggle away.

‘There’s no way you’re going upstairs in this state, hold still young man,’ chided Maedhros as he continued with little mercy. Eru, how is it possible to get this dirty in the span of forty-five minutes?

‘Clean clothes!’ announced Maglor as he came down the stairs and into the basement and laundry room, ‘Stars above Elros, did you bring the whole back garden in with you? I’ll be seeing worms in the sink there’s so much mud.’

‘EEEEEEEE!’ shrieked Elros and pulled his legs out of the sink so fast half the muddy water came with him and sloshed on the floor.

‘Woah!’ cried Maedhros, reaching out to steady him so he didn’t fall off the counter altogether.

‘Oh heck, let me grab the mop,’ said Maglor, but he had his hands full with clean clothes and couldn’t find a spare, non-grubby place to put them. ‘Elrond you look clean hold these for me would you?’

Elrond was indeed clean and took the fresh clothes from Maglor as the man dabbed at the water on the floor.

‘Right, there’s no worms except for you being a wriggly one, let me get that last bit on your knee and you’ll be good,’ said Maedhros firmly, encouraging his cousin to put his feet back in the sink. Elros obliged but eyed the water suspiciously. ‘I suppose that’s what we get when it rained all day yesterday,’ said Maedhros, ‘And some little boys like to do knee slides when they celebrate a goal.’

‘But you have to celebrate!’ protested Elros, ‘That’s the fun of it.’

‘Hmmm well find another celebration, preferably one that doesn’t involve skidding in the grass and taking the turf off,’ grumbled Maedhros.

‘Oh shush Nelyo, the grass’ll come back fine in the spring,’ said Maglor. He’d squeezed out the mop and was helping Elrond into a clean set of clothes, a little more colour co-ordinated this time with white t-shirts, jeans, grey hoodies, and white socks.

Once both twins were dressed they looked very smart. Maglor, ever the fashion conscious one, had a good eye for these sorts of things, and whilst Maedhros did want the twins to have choice over what they wore, and their earlier decision had been somewhat adorable, he’d admit he’d prefer Maglor’s involvement if they ever went anywhere more formal.

Maglor re-did their hair quickly and deftly, then sent them upstairs to relax in the kitchen ahead of lunch. Maedhros cleared up the sink and the rest of the muddy gear, setting the washing machine off on a cycle.

‘You want me to do your hair too?’ his brother asked, ‘Although to be fair it’s stayed pretty neat.’

‘Leave it,’ replied Maedhros, ‘I should probably see about getting it cut soon.’

‘Oh?’ queried Maglor as they made their way upstairs to the hallway and through to the kitchen, ‘Have you decided on a style?’

‘Not certain yet, I’d like to keep some of the length, but it needs to be manageable for me, I can’t just tie it up as easily as I used to.’

‘You’ll look handsome whatever you decide,’ said Maglor and gave him a squeeze. Then he said in a lower tone before they reached the kitchen, ‘Hey, we’re doing okay so far I think?’

‘We are,’ agreed Maedhros similarly quietly, ‘I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.’

‘Don’t be so pessimistic,’ chided Maglor, ‘It could all turn out great!’

Maedhros rolled his eyes a little, but he didn’t dismiss his brother’s optimism.

*

Lunch was a standard affair, they had soup and toasted bagels to warm up from the cold October morning they’d spent outside. Then Maedhros retreated for a nap feeling cosy and full.

Surprisingly, he found it fairly easy to fall asleep, the tiredness from the day and night before catching up with him. However, there were a few dark shadows in his dreams, nothing that turned into a nightmare, but soldiers in black seemed to be following him as he walked around the crowded streets of a dream-Sirion, fading to vapour any time he turned around.

He awoke to the sound of his alarm an hour or so later, and resisting the urge to bury himself deeper under the covers, he rolled out of bed and returned downstairs in search of his family.

Upon entering the kitchen he discovered a bomb had been set off. An orange one.

‘Oh dear, I had hoped we’d be done by the time your nap was over!’ cried Maglor who was elbow deep in a pumpkin.

It transpired with Halloween only two days away Maglor had wanted to do pumpkin carving with the kids, so he’d bought three large pumpkins to share amongst them.

The innards of said pumpkins were now splattered across every flat surface in the kitchen and on some vertical ones too.

Elros and Elrond were stood on the kitchen chairs so they could reach the worktops, each with their own pumpkin and identical, orange-stained arms - Maedhros couldn’t quite believe they were going to need another wash, that was three in less than twenty-four hours.

I don’t know what you expected with parenting little boys. Be grateful there aren’t more of them, you used to deal with at least four at any one time!

‘Right,’ he said eyeing the chaos.

‘Look Maedhros I made a cat!’ Elros held up his pumpkin but it being so large it was heavy, and he dropped it. It fell to the floor with a thud.

‘Oh Shit!’ swore Maglor.

‘Kàno!’ cried Maedhros crossly; they’d been doing so well to monitor their language up until now.

Elros wailed at the sight of his dented pumpkin.

‘Now, now Elros, it’s fine, look,’ Maedhros went and gathered the gourd up off the floor and set it down on the countertop. ‘It just got a bit bruised that’s all. There we are, look a very fine cat! It will look amazing this evening with candles in.’

‘I traced the drawing and Maglor cut it for me,’ explained Elros.

‘I should hope so,’ said Maedhros looking to his brother who was holding a sharp knife.

‘Of course Nelyo, the boys did the scooping, and I did the carving,’ reassured Maglor, ‘I’m not about to give a six-year-old a kitchen knife.’

Memories of a young Celegorm hacking away at a Halloween pumpkin with a penknife he’d stolen from Fëanor swam in Maedhros’ mind. Yes, I hope you and I are rather more responsible than our own parents were.

‘The guts feel all funny,’ said Elrond, he was busy pulling out stringy innards laden with seeds from his pumpkin.

‘Don’t you want a spoon?’ asked Maedhros, taking in Elrond’s stained t-shirt, orange arms and sticky hands which made him want to wince.

Elrond shook his head, ‘The spoon didn’t work, my hands are better, but it is all slimy and weird.’ He shook the pumpkin entrails off on the worktop as there was no bowl to put them in.

That would explain the kitchen resembling the outcome of a stick of dynamite at a pumpkin patch.

‘You better roll your sleeves up and help Nelyo,’ said Maglor leaning back against the counter with a resigned sigh. ‘This is taking much longer than I thought. I may have been a bit ambitious.’

‘Next year, one pumpkin,’ said Maedhros, but he was already moving to help Elrond scrape out the inside of his pumpkin.

Eventually, they had three scoured out and carved pumpkins all ready for Halloween evening. Maedhros found some tea lights in one of the kitchen drawers and they went out the front door to set them up on the porch. There was a cat, a penguin and a piano that was actually so impressive Maedhros had to admit at least Maglor’s artistic talent matched his ambition.

He lit the candles and settled the lids on the pumpkins, and they all took a step back to admire. Already it was starting to get dark resulting in the pumpkins glowing orange and casting flickering lights on the porch.

‘Stand in front of the door lads,’ encouraged Maglor and he snapped a few pictures on his phone of the twins, t-shirts and hands still tinted orange despite Maedhros’ best efforts to wipe them on a tea towel.

However, the boys did look immensely cute, standing there proudly with their pumpkins in front of the house they now called home.

Whilst there would likely always be a part of him that worried over the twins’ welfare and wanted to protect them so fiercely, seeing them stood together, on the porch, chattering away to him and Maglor, Maedhros’ anxious energy finally started to ease.

They’re here. They’re here. They’re safe and they’re here. Home with us.

‘Did you have fun boys?’ asked Maedhros as they made their way back inside for dinner – grilled chicken and veggies as the inside of the oven was perhaps the only thing in the kitchen not currently covered in pumpkin guts.

‘Yes!’ they chorused.

‘I had a lot of fun too,’ said Maedhros truthfully. If only everyday could be like this. ‘I’m so happy you’re here,’ he continued. ‘I love you both very much.

‘I’m happy we are here too,’ replied Elrond.

‘So am I!’ cried Maglor joining in.

‘Me tooooooo!’ yelled Elros and they all laughed as the door shut behind them.