Archive of Our Own ^beta

To whom it may concern,

I always thought these kinds of letters were supposed to be super long, maybe a few handwritten pages in length. And maybe this will be long, but I'm not sure yet.

I... admittedly don't know who to address this to. While I don't have many who'd care for me, I have this little nag in my head that tells me nobody would accept my death if I weren't the one saying it myself... which on its own, is contradictory, but humans don't really make sense anyway.

I think that's a viewpoint not many share with me, that people can't be understood. I think that's why so many people had a problem with me, because they couldn't understand me... and humans were always scared of the unknown.

Did that warrant every punch, though? Every shove, scream, trip, kick, and pull. Did I deserve that? I mean... it doesn't even make sense that you'd all prod at me so heavily. Why would you try to push the unknown to its breaking point? 

You know what's scarier than every person in power? Every corrupted politician? Every serial killer on this planet? A desperate person who's pushed into a corner, willing to fight for what they want at the cost of anything. That was almost me, actually, haha.

Actually, since you found this letter, it means you found the safe in the backpack by my shoes and managed to find the code to open it. It wasn't a hard code, I made it easy on purpose. If I wanted you to never open this safe, I would've picked a random set of numbers that had nothing to do with me. But I chose my birth date instead, 0624... though admittedly, my parents probably had to find my birth certificate to remember the date. I hope they feel ashamed.

Well then... I'll explain the items in the safe and then explain why I mentioned this at all.

The first item I'll talk about is this letter, since you're reading it. At first, I wasn't going to write a letter at all, since no one cares about me. But there are two people I want to say goodbye to, and I want them to know I said goodbye to them and them only. That they were my first pick unlike my parents who didn't even make consideration. 

Kusanagi Nene and Akiyama Mizuki. You guys are the only two friends I've had in my 15 years of living, and unfortunately, I don't talk to either of you anymore. I don't want this to get mushy or begin to cry so I'll keep this short.

Nene, you have such a beautiful voice and yet you are so terrified to use it. I know we didn't end things off on the best of terms but I still care for you, and I want you to thrive. Don't just survive or exist, begin to live. If not for you, for me, as selfish and cliche as it is so to say such.

Mizuki... There is so much I want to say, but I won't, because people other than you are going to read this and what words I have to say are none of their business. Know that I never doubted you for a second, and confidence will induce others to feel the same. You're you, and literally nobody in this world can make you feel so strongly with doubt without your permission. Or mine. And I say no :)

Goodbye, I love you both more than you'll ever know... platonically. I'm gay.

The second item is a pen, specifically the pen I used to write this letter. Thought it would be fun to include.

Third is a bag of four digit number sequences in a small bag. I have safes like this one all over the garage, though some are smaller, and some are larger. Every safe contains a reason I'm writing this letter now, reasons that I'm killing myself. There are 16 safes, and 16 number sequences to match. Though I do want to have fun with this, so I'm not telling anyone which code matches which safe or even the location of any of them. Sorry, I jest.

The fourth item, last item, is one you've probably been nervously looking at the entire time throughout reading this letter. It's a gun. TP9SF, a 9mm pistol that I bought off the streets (and damn I paid a pretty penny for it) because I was going to shoot up my school... which brings me to my point.

I chose an easy PIN because I wanted you to know how close I was to my breaking point. 

That I was so close I actually went and sold my own body to pay for the gun I was going to shoot my classmates with. You'll find a few torn condom wrappers in one of the safes along with empty lube bottles.

I can never get their hands off me anymore. Even if I'm just trying to relax at the park, a random man who's heard of me will come up to me while I use the bathroom and take me then and there, he left a band on the floor of the stall and left me to rot. You'll find that very same band in another safe.

I want you to realize the exact position you all put me in, what you made me feel like I had to do, or I'd never escape. How desperate I was. Just instead of being a danger to others, I hurt myself.

Ah... it's five till 1:30 am and I promised myself I'd jump at 2 and I have to make the walk over to the bridge... I'll have to walk quickly.

I suppose I won't waste any more time.

Goodbye everyone, may you all have shitty lives as I did.

・・・

Rui finishes rereading the handwritten note and feels utterly desolate at the rushed ending. He really doesn't have much to say, even in death.

He places the letter in an envelope, seals it with a sticker of a star, and places it in the safe. He mixes the digits up on the number pad and throws the safe into the backpack in order to zip it up. He tosses his shoes in quickly too.

He adjusts himself so he's sitting atop the railing of the bridge and looks up at the stars.

He knows he should be scared, but all he can feel is excitement. 

He should jump before the feeling goes away. So he does.

He leans forward and lets himself be one with the wind. Listens to it woosh by his body.

He hits the water not much long after.

・・・

Furukawa Himiko doesn't have much excitement in her life, unfortunate so. But that seems to change when she finds a backpack leaning against a bridge on her morning run. There's no one around, so it's even stranger.

"Did someone leave this here? How irresponsible...:

She kneels down to look at it, blinks twice, and decides to open it, hoping there isn't anything resembling a bomb in there.

First item she sees is a pair of shoes. They're white but only barely, they're terribly dirty. The ridges on the bottom are filled with dirt and look chiseled down quite a bit. They certainly were put to use. She sets them down by her knees.

Second is a safe. It rattles a bit when she grabs it and she can only assume something heavy is in there. She tries the lock but no luck. This is probably a bomb, she thinks, and rushes to put the items back in the bag.

She stands up quickly, intending to continue her run when something catches her eye in the water, something purple.

There's something in the water, and curiosity wins her over. She has to lean over the railing to see the railing to see the rest. But when she does, she freezes.

It's a body. A body of a boy who couldn't be over 12.

She remembers the shoes in the bag and looks down to the boy's shoeless feet.

She screams.

・・・

"Now for local news, a young woman who has wished to stay anonymous has found the body of 15 year old, Kamishiro Rui early this morning at a Shibuyan bridge around 7 am this morning. Cause or time of death has not been yet determined. Please stay aware of those grieving the boy today. In other news-"