Archive of Our Own ^beta

Yoko: ENID! Holy crap—I haven’t seen you since before the blizzard hit! Where were you?!

Enid: Oh um—Willa and I found a cave in the forest. Holed up there for like—the entire thing.

Yoko: *gasps* Stuck in a cave with no internet and no reception? Fuck that! I guess you two were too busy trying to stay warm to get bored, huh?

Enid: *blushes* Ah ha ha— yup. Busy busy!

Yoko: *pauses and frowns* Hold up— Didn’t the blizzard end like a week—

Raspy voice: Tanaka.

The voice issues from a wild thicket of black tangles, twigs, and cave dirt that peeks over Enid’s shoulder. It takes Yoko a moment to realize that the grimy thing clinging to Enid’s back is not in fact an exceptionally hairy marsupial, but a haggard Wednesday Addams.

Wednesday: Are you capable of setting a dislocated pelvis?

Yoko: What? Fuck no. Why?

Wednesday: *sighs* As I expected. To the infirmary then, my furious cave bear.

Enid: *sheepish* Sorry Yoko, gotta go!

Enid: *runs off while making enthusiastic bear noises*

Yoko: 😗

Yoko: 🤔

Yoko: Shoot, I forgot to warn them about—

Principal Weems : *distantly* Miss Sinclair, no running through the— MISS ADDAMS! WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?!?

Yoko: 😅

At a college beach party where Bianca is playing bartender.

Bianca: Hey, Enid. What can I getcha?

Enid: I’m good, B. Thanks!

Enid: *glances back* Babe, sex on the beach?

Wednesday: *shakes head* I’ll take three fingers on the rocks.

Bianca: I gotchu. *ducks down for ice* Three fingers of what?

Bianca: *straightens back up* Addams, three fingers of—

Bianca: 😐

Bianca: 🤨

Bianca: Where’d they go?

Bianca’s gaze sweeps first across the beach, then towards the rocky—

Bianca: Oh for fuck’s sake—NOT IN PUBLIC!!

Enid: WEDNESDAY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

Wednesday: I overheard you lamenting over of my alleged disinterest in this dance contest.

Enid: What the flip does that have to do with stabbing Yoko?!

Wednesday: Is it not obvious? Now I have a stake in the competition.

Enid: 😟

Yoko: *sits up* I’m okay! I can—hrrrrk—still dance!

Wednesday: 😒

Wednesday: If you would excuse—

Enid: OH NO YOU DON’T!

Kent: Yo, Addams! Whatcha sucking on?

Wednesday: Jawbreaker.

Kent: Oooh, got anymore?

Wednesday: *hands one to Kent*

Kent: *stares* Uh— This ain’t no jawbreaker.

Wednesday: Of course it is. Steel bearings perform more than adequately at the task.

Kent: 😧

Kent: B-But it’s not a candy!

Wednesday: Why would it be a candy?

Kent: You— Why the heck would you put it in your mouth!?

Wednesday: For the risk, of course. Who doesn’t dream of someday having a jaw riveted together with titanium?

Kent: 😨

Wednesday: *shrugs* Besides, your gorgon seemed to enjoy his well enough.

Kent: Wait— What?

In the distance, a sharp CRACK rings out, followed by a pained shriek.

Ajax : OW FUGH MAH DAW!!

Kent: 😱

Kent: *runs off* I’m coming, bruh!!

Wednesday: *envious sigh* Some people have all the luck.

Yoko: Christ—I said a hot BUTCH, Addams! No ‘er,’ just butch!

Wednesday: *waves cleaver* What does that even look like, you insufferable leech? You provided no description.

Yoko: Seriously!? It looks like—

Enid: *opens door* Hey, what’s with all the—

Enid: *stares at Wednesday*

Wednesday: *in blood-spattered butcher apron*

Enid: *pupils dilate as she sniffs*

Enid: Wh-Why uh— *wipes drool* —do you um… smell like steaks?

Wednesday: *shoots Yoko a smug look*

Yoko: 😒

Wednesday: Your services are no longer required. Now leave.

Wednesday: *shoves Yoko out of the room*

Enid: *already shifting as she slams the door shut*

Yoko: 😠

Yoko: 😤

Yoko: *mutters* Stupid literal goth psychos and their dummy hungry werewolf girlfr—

Yoko: *jumps as the door shudders violently*

Wednesday: *muffled* Rib-eye! F-FLANK! SKIRT!!

*sloppy eating noises*

Wednesday: OH MY TENDERLOINS!!

Yoko: 😐

Yoko: *covers her ears and RUNS* Nope-nope-nope-nope-nope-nope-nope-no—

Kent: I’m telling you it was a frog!

Ajax: No way, dude, it was freakin’ a toad!

Kent: *slaps the back of Wednesday’s seat* C’mon Addams, help me out here! It was a frog, right?

Wednesday: Bull.

Ajax: Whaaaat? Uh—there’s no way that was a moo dude! I’m stoned, but not like—THAT stoned!

Enid: *glares over her shoulder* Guys, please stop yelling! I’m trying to drive here!

Wednesday: Steer.

Enid: *annoyed* Wednesday! I AM—

Kent: *points forward* BULL!

Enid: —steeOHSHIT!

Enid looks back to the road just in time to react to the sight of 1,600 lbs of bovine beef blocking their way. Jerking the wheel, she barely manages to dodge the beast and—

Moments later, under a slightly tilted telephone pole.

Enid: Holy shit— Is everyone okay?

Wednesday: *grunts*

Ajax: Oh my god! Kent isn’t breathing! KENT! Don’t leave me, bro!

Wednesday turns around to inspect Kent. After a moment she reaches over and just slugs him in the chest.

Kent: *jerks awake* BULLFROG! It was a bullfrog!

Ajax: Moo dude, toad, whatever you want, bro. I’m just glad you’re not dead. *hugs Kent*

Wednesday: *unbuckles seatbelt*

Enid: *glances at Wednesday* Uh—what’s the rush?

Wednesday: *unbuckles Enid* Herd.

Enid: 🤨

Enid: Heard what?

Wednesday: *points past Enid*

Enid: *turns head to glance out side window*

Enid: 😱

Enid: OH SHIT! Guys! Get outta the car! OUT!! NOW!!

Wednesday smoothly exits the vehicle, followed shortly by a panicking Enid. Ajax and Kent look up from their hug to see—

Ajax: MOOS!

Kent: Lots of moos!

Enid: It’s called a stampede, you blockheads! Now get out and RUN! *takes off*

Ajax/Kent: *frantic unbuckling*

Ajax: Dude! My seatbelt’s stuck!

Kent: Crap—mine too!

Ajax/Kent: 😱😱

Ajax/Kent: 😭😭

Kent: *wets lips* Bro, if we’re gonna— d-do you wanna…?

Ajax: Y-Yeah, dude. Okay… *leans in*

Ajax/Kent: *share a k—

🚘🐂 🐄 🐂 🐂 🐄 🐄 🐄 🐂 🐄 🐄💨

Bianca: “Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?”

Wednesday: Of course. She’s a sucker for a good waltz. The real question is— have you ever held back the Devil’s hair as she pukes up her guts after losing a drinking competition with my Uncle Fester?

Bianca: *blinks* What the— Bitch, we’re playing Movie Quotes. The answer is Tim Burton’s Batman.

Yoko: *peers at Wednesday* Uh—that was oddly specific.

Enid: *scowls* That was last Saturday.

Yoko: But weren’t you on a like—beach trip with the Addams family last weekend?

Enid: *mutters* If only.

Wednesday: I only said we were traveling to someplace exotic and to pack for hot weather. It was you who assumed—

Enid: WEDNEDSAY! Hell is NOT exotic! HELL–IS–HELL!

Wednesday: Not exotic? Do you know of anyone else who can say that they spent a weekend at the Devil’s own guest house, relaxing to the soothing wails of the damned?

Enid: THAT’S SO NOT THE POINT!

Yoko: 😬

Bianca: 🤔

Bianca: “Now shall you deal with me, O Prince. And all the powers of Hell.”

Enid: *turns excitedly* Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty, 1959!

Bianca: Point to Enid! That puts you in first, while Addams is in dead last with a remarkable— *smirks* —zero points.

Enid: 😊

Wednesday: 😑

Yoko: 🤔

Yoko: 😒

Yoko: 😎

Yoko: Sooooo… outta curiosity, for like purely academic reasons, on a scale of one to ten… just how sexy IS the—

Bianca: No.

Divina: C’mon, it’ll be fun! Yoko?

Yoko: Gay and Violent Bob are playing.

Divina: So?

Yoko: So hell no.

Divina: Seriously? It’s just Spin the Bottle!

Bianca: When those two play, it’s not Spin the Bottle. It’s Russian Roulette.

Yoko: No cap.

Divina: *confused look* What?

Yoko: Babe, you’re like the ONLY safe one—

Bianca: *under breath* Lucky.

Yoko: —since I’m pretty sure they both like you.

Divina: *smiles* Aw, that’s sweet of them.

Bianca: *eye roll* Uh huh. But the rest of us? Girl, turn around and actually look at those two.

Yoko takes Divina by the shoulders and turns her to face the circle. Confused, Divina glances first to Wednesday.

Wednesday: *sharpening an array of knives*

Divina: 🤨

Divina: I don’t see the problem. She’s always—

Bianca: *turns Divina to face Enid*

Divina: —like tha…oh.

The werewolf casts a shadow over the circle as she growls in warning, her claws digging furrows through carpet and concrete. Each time she makes eye contact with a participant that isn’t Wednesday, she points at them then draws a single claw meaningfully across her own throat.

Divina: 😲

Divina: Huh. Okay. Maybe you two have a point.

Wednesday: 🗡️🔪🗡️😑🔪🗡️🔪

Wolfed out Enid: 🫵👿

Ajax/Kent/Xavier: 😭😰🤕

Bianca/Yoko: 🙄🙄

Enid: How can one toddler make this much of a mess?! I swear, this is the last time I offer to babysit for—

Wednesday: *trudges down the stairs*

Enid: Willa! Did you finally put him down?

Wednesday: *stares* I was not aware that was an acceptable option.

Enid: Like duh! Of course it is.

Wednesday: Hm. Then I’ll be right back.

Enid: Uh—okay?

Enid: Wait, why does she have a—

Enid: WEDNESDAY FRIDAY ADDAMS, YOU DROP THAT SYRINGE THIS INSTANT!

Bianca: *bursts into room* Addams, we need to have a serious talk. I keep hearing about how Enid has been grooming—

Bianca: 😐

Enid: *frozen in the middle of licking Wednesday’s hair*

Wednesday: Do go on.

Bianca: 😑

Bianca: *deep breath*

Bianca: Know what? Can’t even be mad. I should’ve seen this one coming. Carry on. *backs out*

Enid: *returns to unabashedly licking Wednesday’s hair*

Enid: 🩷👅🩷

Wednesday: 😌

Pre-Wenclair. Enid calls Yoko and Divina to discuss her girl troubles.

Divina: I dunno, Enid. Stars around your scars? Sounds awfully romantic to me.

Yoko: Yeah, that’s some Taylor Swift shit right there.

Enid: *from Yoko’s phone* Threw! THREW! I said she threw them, NOT drew them!

Divina: 🫢

Yoko: 😬

Divina: *whispers to Yoko* Babe, didn’t Wednesday just buy a bunch of throwing stars from y—

Yoko: 🤫

#4: Reprehensible Tools

#5: A Very Specific Turnon

Wednesday: Gash.

Enid: Nope. Kitty.

Wednesday: *wrinkles nose* Slit.

Enid: *makes face* Vajayjay.

Wednesday: *shakes head* Axe wound.

Enid: Yuck! Vertical smile.

Wednesday: *snorts* Vertical grimace.

Enid: *winces* Panty hamster?

Wednesday: Eh. Whispering eye.

Enid: *shudders* Fuzzy fantasy.

Wednesday: Absolutely not. Hell’s maw.

Enid: *angrily leans forwards* Happy valley.

Wednesday: *sharpens glare* The Abyss.

Enid: FUN tunnel!

Wednesday: Cradle of FILTH.

Enid: *snarls* THE MOST MAGICAL PLACE ON EARTH!

Wednesday: *menacingly* THE WOUND THAT NEVER HEALS.

Enid/Wednesday: 😡😡

Enid: This is going like—nowhere!

Wednesday: On that I can agree. Shall we ask our volunteer mediator?

Enid: Yes, let’s!

The two girls turn to face the only other person in the room.

Enid: *impatiently* So? Willa and I can’t agree on a pet name—

Wednesday: Substitute.

Enid: *eye roll* Fine. We can’t agree on a substitute name for vagina. What do you think, oh mediator of ours?

Eugene: 😭

Eugene: *covering ears* I m-made a m-mistake! I-I just w-wanna g-go home!

Enid/Wednesday: 😲🤔

Enid: *looks to Wednesday* Home?

Wednesday: *nods* Home will suffice for now.

Wednesday: Thank you, Eugene. Your services are no longer required. You may—

Eugene: *already gone*

Wednesday: —go. *blinks*

Enid: So! How about to celebrate, we head back and enjoy some home sweet home? *winks*

Wednesday: *side glance* Home, certainly. Sweet, sometimes.

Enid: *gasps* Are you calling my home NOT sweet?!

Wednesday: If the tangy velvet glove fits…

Wednesday: *ignites flamethrower*

Enid: *runs up* WEDNESDAY, STOP!

Wednesday: *lowers flamethrower*

Enid reaches Wednesday and bends over, hands on knees as she catches her breath.

Enid: You can’t— *pants* —can’t do this!

Wednesday: I assure you, with this flamethrower I am more than capable of eliminating—

Enid: *straightens* NO! I mean you can’t just kill them!

Wednesday: Enid, they are evil doppelgängers. They must be dealt with for your safety.

Enid: But that’s cruel! They both still deserve— *looks at evil doppelgängers* —tohMYGAWD!

Doppelgängers: *in sync* H̶̭̎͛͌͝o̶̢̗̜͙͛͛͐ẅ̸̤̖̖̂̉̍d̸̡͙̩́ͅy̴̬͙͒̑̐!̸͕̜̐̑̊̓

Enid:

Wednesday: *waits patiently*

Enid:

Enid: *sheepish* Can uh… Can you tell everyone that I like—fought you hardcore over this?

Wednesday: Of course, mi corazón. Fiery compassion clashed with cold logic in a most tempestuous debate. Your fury was magnificent to behold.

Wednesday: In the end, I went behind your back and betrayed your trust. You found my actions appalling, thus I must now beg for your forgiveness.

Enid: *looks away* Coolcoolcool. And um… I hate asking, but like—could you also…

Wednesday: *nods* I shall sleep in the Hummers shed for the rest of the week, to better sell the ruse.

Enid: *relieved* Ohmygoshthankyoubabe! I love you so freakin’ much!

Wednesday: As you should. *subtle smile*

Wednesday: Now then— *raises flamethrower* —shall I?

Enid: *glances at evil doppelgängers and full-body shudders* Totes. Light ’em up, babe.

Wednesday: 😈🔥

Doppelgängers:

Bianca: What’s wrong with Xavier this time?

Wednesday: He is suffering from comphem.

Bianca: Uh—no. That boy is actual factual straight. Nothing compulsory about it. And why the heck would he be in the infirmary for that?

Wednesday: I said comphem, not comphet.

Bianca: The fuck is that?

Wednesday: Compulsory hemorrhaging.

Bianca:

Bianca: What?

Wednesday: *matter-of-factly* Society pressures him to bleed profusely.

Bianca: Society.

Wednesday: Precisely.

Bianca: Does this “society” happen to be a five foot three blonde with hair dyed like Harley Quinn and a possessive streak wider than the fucking Amazon River?

Wednesday: Whatever are you implying?

Bianca: Bitch, I’m—

Enid: *runs up* Willa, where’s the spare bleach?!

Wednesday: My closet, right wall, second shelf from the bottom, next to the Luminol.

Enid: Thank, babe! *kisses Wednesday’s cheek*

Wednesday: *merely nods*

Enid: Oh hi, B! Bye, B! *scampers off*

Bianca:

Wednesday:

Bianca: *smirks*

Wednesday: *glares* What is it?

Bianca: It uh—looks like society left some pink lip gloss— *points* —on your cheek.

Wednesday: *sighs* Society is quite, shall we say, compulsively homosexual.

Bianca:

Enid: Hey B, have you seen Willa?

Bianca: Yeah, she was just here. Mentioned something about serving cunt for dinner—

Enid: Huh. Okay.

Bianca: —before stalking off with the meanest meat cleaver I’ve ever seen.

Enid:

Enid: *grabs Bianca* Which way did she go?!

Bianca: Get off me! Your psycho went that way! *points*

Enid: *drops Bianca and RUNS* Sorrythanksbye!

Bianca: *brushes self off* Crazy bitch.

Enid : *distantly* WEDNESDAY FRIDAY ADDAMS, LET GO OF MY MOM!

Wednesday: *also distantly* But you said she’s a cunt.

Enid: I also said NO KILLING MY MOM!

Wednesday: Who said anything about killing?

Enid : But Bianca said you were gonna “serve cunt for dinner”.

Wednesday: She’s a werewolf. It would grow back. Eventually.

Enid:

Enid: WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?!

Wednesday: For the double entendre.

Enid:

Enid: *flamboyant cursing*

Esther: *shrill tone* Enid, if you’re quite done, hurry up and make your little deranged freak take her grubby hands—

Enid: *snarls* SHUT UP, BITCH! Don’t call her—

Esther: *scream in pain*

Enid: WEDNESDAY, NO!! THAT WAS NOT PERMISSION!!

Wednesday: *disappointed* Fine.

Bianca:

Bianca: And to think, I used to hate Parent’s Day.

Xavier: Are you kidding me? That sounds freaking awesome! Sign me up!

Wednesday: Is that truly how you feel?

Xavier: *eye roll* Duh. I did say “sign me up”, didn’t I?

Wednesday: Very well. Stay right there.

Xavier: *smug* Being assaulted by the female gaze sounds hot as—huh?

Wednesday/Enid/Yoko/Divina: 😒😇😎😗

Xavier: 🤨

Xavier: Why are you all looking at me like—

Wednesday/Enid/Yoko/Divina: 😏🔪😈⛏️😎🔨😙🔧

Xavier: 😱

Enid: You're my roomie, my bestie, and my mate. I would totes do anything for you.

Wednesday: I desire that you read more books, limit your exposure to TikTok before bed, and cease playing that egregious waste of time you call Genshin Impact.

Enid:

Enid: You’re dead to me. 

Enid: Babe, I don’t think pushing Tyler off some cliff will kill him.

Wednesday: *scoffs* Not with that altitude.

Wednesday: Three words. Speak them and lay claim to all that I am.

Enid: I’m your stalker.

Wednesday:

Wednesgay: 👁️🫦👁️

Wednesday: What do you call Xavier with no eyes?

Enid: *casually* Xaver.

Wednesday:

Wednesday: The answer is blind—

Xaver: *distantly* MY EYES! OH GOD SHE TOOK MY EYES!!

Wednesday: —but it appears that a big crybaby is also acceptable.

Enid: Oh my gosh! Wednesday, are you cold?

Wednesday: I do not get cold.

Enid: But your teeth! I can hear them like—chattering from here!

Wednesday: That’s just my skeleton trying to escape its flesh prison again. Pay it no mind.

Enid:

Enid: Wh-What?

Wednesday: Terrible dreams, Enid. And if something boney happens to wake you, just don’t let it see your teeth and you’ll likely be fine.

With that, the seer switches off her lamp and leaves Enid sitting up in darkness.

Enid: *stares after her roommate*

Wednesday: 😴

Enid: *lays down and tries to sleep*

Enid:

Enid:

*chattering teeth*

Enid: *dances around her room alone*

Enid: 🎶 What is love? 🎶

Enid: 🎶 Oh baby, don’t hurt me— 🎶

Enid: 🎶 Don’t hurt me— 🎶

Enid: 🎶 No more! 🎶

Wednesday: *from behind Enid* My apologies.

Enid: *shrieks and stumbles*

Wednesday: *downcast* I was… unaware you felt that way.

Enid: Wh-What?

Wednesday: I shall banish myself from our—no, your room—until you find it within yourself to forgive me.

Wednesday: *picks up BDSM trunk and leaves*

Enid: *processing*

Enid: Oh that stupid freaking— IT WAS JUST A SONG! COME BACK! *chases after Wednesday*

Moments later, outside in the courtyard.

Bianca: And this is Ophelia Hall, winners of the last annual Poe Cup. You can read about the exciting event on page seven of our broch—

The doors to Ophelia Hall burst open as Wednesday strides out and past Bianca’s tour group.

Enid: *frantically follows* Baby, hurt me more! I really mean it! PLEASE!

Bianca and tour group:

Wednesday: It is bold of you to accuse an Addams of being affected by such mundane intoxicants.

Bianca: You were flirting with Enid.

Wednesday: Of course. She is my beloved.

Bianca: You asked her if she were single.

Wednesday: I— what?

Bianca: And then when she said she wasn’t, you ran off in tears—

Wednesday: That’s preposterous.

Bianca: —and spent the rest of the night concocting an elaborate plan to win her heart—

Wednesday: Less preposterous.

Bianca: —that would have resulted in a frankly astonishing amount of property damage—

Wednesday: Plausible.

Bianca: —the desecration of at least one priceless piece of art—

Wednesday: Acceptable.

Bianca: —and potentially several dozen fatalities across the entire state.

Wednesday: Likely.

Bianca: So do you have anything to say for yourself, Addams?

Wednesday:

Wednesday: This supposed plan, do you know where it—

Bianca: Enid burnt the ever-loving shit out of it the moment you passed out.

Wednesday: *sulks*

Enid: Okay, babe, truth or dare?

Wednesday: Truth.

Enid: How are you planning to murder my mom?

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Dare.

Enid: Don’t murder my mom.

Wednesday: I loathe this game.

At Camp Jericho, during Nevermore’s annual paintball competition, team captain Enid wraps up a motivational speech.

Enid: *shouts* And remember, don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes!

Enid’s team: *crickets*

Wednesday: *whispers something to Enid*

Enid: *murmurs* Oh shit, seriously? They’re the faceless cheer squad?

Enid: 🤔

Enid: Um. What I meant to say was—Don’t fire until you see the tights on their thighs!

Enid’s team: *cheers*

Wednesday: 🤦‍♀️

Wednesday: It’s quiet again.

Enid: Don’t worry, babe, I gotchu.

Enid: *stomps soccer cleats*

Tied up Tyler The floor: *wretched groan*

Enid: 😘

Wednesday: 😌

Yoko: *waggles eyebrows* Addams? Trust me, put her in a room with Enid and she’ll end up caught, hot, and full of kn-urk!

Wednesday: Finish that sentence and I will surgically reroute your rectum to your esophagus, like some loathsome anal ouroboros.

Yoko: *gulps*

Wednesday: Do we have an understanding?

Yoko:

Yoko:

– Many centuries later. –

Vampire storyteller: —and that is why our clan emblem is a vampire eating its own ass.

The crowd of young vamplings turn their heads in unison to peer over at their ancient matron.

Great Elder Tanaka: *rasps* And it was worth it!

Yoko: So you’re absolutely positive that Enid saying “howdy” isn’t like a HUGE turn on for you?

Wednesday: I should stake you for even suggesting something so asinine.

Yoko: Well, why don’t we just put that to the test? C’mon in, Enid!

Wednesday: What?

Enid: *enters dressed as a certain toy cowboy*

Enid: Look, I’m Woody! Howdy, howdy, howdy!

Enid: *tips cowboy hat and winks*

Wednesday:

Yoko: *smirks* And the verdict is?

Wednesday: *blushing* I despise you all.

Enid: 🤠

Enid: So like—I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about saying who it is, because none of you are going to like it

Yoko: Girl, just rip the bandage off.

Enid: It’s Wednesday.

Yoko: *stands*

Divina: *begins weeping*

Bianca: *rubs Divina’s back*

Enid: *confused* What’s going—

Yoko: We are gathered here today to honor and celebrate the life of Enid Sinclair—

Enid: 😦

Yoko: —which was cut tragically short when she fucked up and got down bad for Psycho Bitch Sailor Doom.

Enid:

Enid: OH COME ON!!

Divina: It’s… it’s like she’s still here. *sobs*

Bianca: I miss her too, Div. I miss her too.

Enid: 🤬

Enid: Wednesday, you’ve gotta fight your inner demons!

Wednesday: Been there, done that.

Enid: Whut?

Wednesday: Where do you think this leather jacket came from? The inner ones have the most supple skin, after all.

Enid: Ohmygod that’s horrible!

Wednesday: I must point out that yours would most certainly be pink.

Enid:

Enid:

Enid: Really?

Later that week.

Yoko: Girl, that pink leather jacket be drippin’!

Enid: Oops, must’ve missed a spot!

Yoko: 🤨

Ajax: Dude, I gotta know, have you ever seen her blink?

Enid: Oh! She doesn’t blink.

Ajax: Like ever?

Enid: Never ever. Her eyelids are like totally decorative. They’re just there for her gorgeous lashes to take root.

Ajax: 😯

Ajax: No way. What does she do so her peepers don’t shrivel up?

Enid: Why don’t you see for yourself?

Ajax: Huh?

Enid: *steps aside to reveal Wednesday*

Ajax: 😟

Ajax: *whispers in disbelief* Goth gecko barbie.

Wednesday: *stands there, moistening her eyeballs*

Enid: 🤗

Enid: WHAT?!

Yoko: *stunned* You’re kidding us.

Wednesday: I do not kid.

Enid: Y-You think Xavier has a HOT BOD?!

Wednesday: I said “body,” but yes.

Enid: *dazedly gets up* She thinks Xavier is hot…

Wednesday: Too hot, in fact.

Yoko: Hold up, pup— Too hot?

Enid: *vacant stare* Willa—my Willa—thinks that piece of…

Wednesday: Quite. Thorpe would be significantly more tolerable were his body at room temperature.

Yoko: 🤨

Yoko: 🤔

Yoko: OH! His body tempera— HEY PUP! She means she prefers Xavier dead!

Yoko: *looks around*

Yoko: Pup? Where’d she—

Xavier: *distant shrieking*

Enid: MINE, you hear me? MINE!!

Wednesday: *dreamy sigh*

Yoko: 🤦‍♀️

Wolf Enid: *leads while sniffing*

Bianca: Isn’t this demeaning?

Wednesday: Requiring your assistance as a third pair of eyes? Yes, it is.

Bianca: No, bitch, the leash.

Wednesday: Ah. It is an unfortunate necessity.

Wolf Enid: *ears perk*

Bianca: Seriously? Enid is an intelligent werewolf and your girlfriend, not some dumb dog. It’s not like she’s gonna run off.

Wednesday: *shoots Enid a glance*

Wolf Enid: *tail tucks*

Wednesday: I have my reasons.

Wolf Enid: *sheepish* Growf.

On a previous investigation.

Wednesday: Enid, don’t you DARE! That corpse is evidence! EVIDENCE!!

Wolf Enid:

Bianca: Uh—did you say live?

Enid: 🫢

Wednesday: Did I stutter? If the ritual required a dead one, I would have explicitly stated as much.

Enid: *goes pale, eyes wide in horror*

Bianca: Well, shit.

Enid: *stares at her hands* Then we… for nothing?!

Enid: W-We’re MONSTERS! *runs off sobbing*

Wednesday: *narrows eyes* Barclay, just why is my beloved in such obvious distress?

Bianca: We uh—we sorta misunderstood the assignment.

Wednesday: How does one misinterpret a simple request to obtain a ground squirrel? There are plenty of groundhogs and chipmunks arou—

Bianca interrupts by placing a tiny plastic food container in front of Wednesday.

Wednesday: *peers at it* Is that…?

Bianca: She caught it and I did the rest.

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Did she, by chance, give it a—

Bianca: Sir Fluffington of Nevemore.

Wednesday: *sighs* I shall go comfort her. Thing, break into the church and secure us an appropriate location.

Thing: 👍

Wednesday: Barclay, you will find a crowbar and shovel beneath my bed, and a suitably diminuitive casket in my bottom-left desk drawer. Retrieve them and accompany Thing.

Bianca: Uh—what now?

Wednesday: Sir Fluffington’s remains will be buried with honors—

Bianca: Why the f—

Wednesday: *glares daggers* —as is befitting anyone knighted by my Queen.

Bianca:

Bianca: Oh for fuck’s sake—FINE, I get it! I minced my bed, now I gotta bury it or whatever. Let’s just get this shit over with.

Wednesday: You all came to support me.

Enid: Of course we did, Willa, we’re your friends! We wouldn’t miss your recital. Isn’t that right?

The Nightshades: *unenthused nods and strained smiles*

Enid: *beams* See?

Wednesday: *approving nod*

Enid: Kay guys, let’s get some seats and get ready to cheer! G’luck, babe! *skips away*

The Nightshades: *trudge after Enid*

Thing: *questioning gesture*

Wednesday: Distribute the antidote to them after my performance and not a moment before.

Thing: 👍

Enid: Wednesday, you’re my soul mate and I love you like—so freaking much…

Wednesday: I sense a ‘but.’

Enid: But can you please STOP using our RED STRING OF FATE to GARROTE people?!

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Even friends?

Enid: ESPECIALLY FRIENDS!!

Wednesday: Fine. *releases string*

Ajax: 😵

Enid: 🫢

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Hm. I uh—I will retrieve the Red Defibrillator of Fate immediately.

Enid: 😫

Enid: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Wednesday: That was a cow.

Enid: Nuh uh! It was a milk jug!

Wednesday: It weighed over a thousand pounds.

Enid: A giant milk jug!

Wednesday: It went ‘moo.’

Yoko: Girl, no judgement when you’re wolfed out. Wolves be cray.

Enid:

Yoko: You were wolfed out, right?

Enid:

Yoko: Enid, WHY?!

Enid: I LIKE MY MOO JUICE FRESH!

Wednesday: Of course I’m the bottom.

Yoko: *snickers* Yeah? Is it because—

Wednesday: I’m closer to Hell? Precisely.

Yoko: Eh?

Wednesday: Now if you’re done wasting my time, I have an unholy union to see to. Are you prepared, my beloved top?

Yoko: *glances around*

Yoko: Girl, you do realize that Enid’s not even here right—

🎵*angelic chorus*🎵

Enid: *descends from the sky* I’m comin’, babe!

Wednesday: You certainly shall be, mi santa lobita.

Enid: Same goes for you, devilcakes! *saucy wink*

Enid: ✨😇✨

Wednesday: 🔥😈🔥

Yoko:

Yoko: So what was with the screaming from your room last night?

Enid: It was just a nightmare. Started off singing Apt. with Rosé and Bruno Mars while dressed up as Glinda from Wicked.

Enid: Then all the Nightshades joined up and everyone danced the choreography in front of a ginormous double rainbow.

Yoko: That… that’s it?

Enid: Oh! And there were like—tons of unicorns. They were the backup singers!

Yoko:

Yoko: Lemme get this straight—a nightmare about dancing with friends while surrounded by unicorns and rainbows as you sing one of your favorite songs with Rosé, a member of one of your favorite bands—woke you up screaming?

Enid: OH! That wasn’t MY nightmare!

Yoko: Huh? But that’d mean….

Both girls glance over at a baggy eyed Wednesday, who wears a vacant stare as she mumbles repetitively beneath her breath.

Wednesday: 🎶 A-pa-teu, a-pa-teu. A-pa-teu, a-pa-teu. A-pa-teu, a-pa-teu. Uh, uh-huh, uh-huh. 🎶

Wednesday: Enid, what is this?

Enid: *glances back at Wednesday* This? This is my muscle board.

Wednesday: Your muscle board.

Enid: Yup! It’s like your murder board, but for my personal fitness.

Wednesday: I ah—I can see that… but why?

Enid: So I can figure out if I need to work on anything to— *twirls in place* —balance out this new hot bod o’ mine, silly.

Wednesday: *stares*

Enid: So I already made like a huge discovery. *plucks three photos*

Enid: Turns out that while second puberty supernaturally improved all of my parts and stuff, it mainly focused on the Three A’s.

Enid: *begins handing out photos* First my abs, second my arms—

Wednesday: *heavy breathing* Enid, I don’t feel—

Enid: —and third my ass. Do you understand what this means?

Wednesday: *stares wide-eyed at photos*

Enid: *returns to board* Second puberty was selective, so now I gotta work on my back—

*THUD*

Enid: —and legs. Isn’t that like—totes weird? *glances back*

Wednesday: *passed out on floor*

Enid: Wednesday! What’s wrong?! Did you have a vision?! A-Are you okay!? WEDNESDAY!

Pirate Captain Bianca: You scallawags ready for the Ren Faire?

Swashbuckler Yoko: Got my babe and blade, so this bitch be hot to go!

Lady Divina: *giggles* Aye aye, Captain!

Sir Eugene: *enthusiastically raises sword* You have my sword!

Fairy Enid: *cheerily waves wand* And my wand!

Ensigns Kent & Ajax: *holding props* And our tricorders!

Plague Doctor Wednesday: *presents box with holes* And my historically accurate plague rodent.

Everyone turns to stare in horror at Wednesday.

Plague Doctor Wednesday: *sighs* Fine, I am exaggerating.

Everyone shares a collective sigh of relief before following Bianca into the festival.

*muffled squirrel noises*

Plague Doctor Wednesday: *whispers to box* Worry not. You may not be a black rat, but it’s what’s inside you that counts.

Ajax: *gulps* Dude, wh-why are you doing this?!

Wednesday: *glares* My pulse is leisurely. My head is steady. My flesh does not crawl.

Wednesday: *hisses* I am bereft of detestation.

Ajax: What?!

Wednesday: Simply put, Enid is not presently subjecting me to her galling affections.

Ajax: 😧

Ajax: Th-That’s not m-my fault!

Wednesday: *applies pressure* If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.

Ajax: B-But—

🎶 Loathing! Unadulterated loathing! 🎶

Within moments of the musical alert, Wednesday has her phone out and open to the new message.

Ajax: *nervously holds breath*

Wednesday: *reads*

Wednesday: It appears she was delayed by a classmate who wished to discuss their group project.

Ajax: D-Does that m-mean I uh— Can I…?

Wednesday: *lowers knife and steps back* You are free to go, Petropolus—

Ajax: *sags in relief* Oh thank—

Wednesday: —but do NOT repeat your transgression again. Next time, I won’t be so merciful.

Wednesday maintains grim eye contact with Ajax until she storms out of view, all while unknowingly humming the tune of ‘What Is This Feeling?’.

Ajax: 😨

Ajax: B-But I didn’t even DO anything! 😭

Bianca: Addams, why the heck are you wearing a parachute?

Wednesday: Because I— *lowers goggles* —do not fail at life.

Bianca: I don’t see what that has to do with a parachute.

Wednesday: Not my problem.

Wednesday: *signals Enid* Mi corazón, go for launch.

Enid: Kay, babe! *plucks Wednesday up and—*

Bianca: What are—

Enid: *—violently YEETS Wednesday skyward*

Bianca: CHRIST!

Enid: *cheers excitedly* We have LIFTOFF!!

Wednesday: *vanishes from view*

Bianca:

Bianca: WHY?

Enid: Because UFA!

Bianca: UFA?

Enid: Unfriendly Flying Addams~

Bianca:

Ajax: Ugh. Mondays are the worst!

Wednesday: *pulls a noose from her bag and lays it on the table*

Ajax: 😒

Wednesday: *places eleven tiny nooses next to the first*

Ajax: *stares at the mini-nooses that seem too small for anything bigger than a sna—

Ajax: WEDNESDAYS! I uh—I m-mean Wednesdays are the worst!

Wednesday: *without looking up* And don’t you forget it.

Wednesday: At Enid’s insistence, you are all invited to experience a House of a Thousand Corpses this weekend.

Bianca: Rob Zombie’s 2003 horror flick? Meh. Not a fan.

Yoko: Sure, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it.

Divina: Count me in for movie night!

Wednesday: I am not referring to a film. This is an invitation to visit my—

Enid: *reading a text* Yikes! Pugsley said Cleopatra just ate another salesman.

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Correction, a thousand and one.

Yoko: Addams, you are so down bad for Enid.

Wednesday: Bad, yes. Down, never.

Enid: Ahem!

Wednesday: Down, rarely.

Enid: *crosses arms*

Wednesday: Down, occasionally.

Enid: *taps foot*

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Downatleasteveryothernightbut ONLY for ENID.

Enid: 😘

Yoko: 😎

Bianca: Anyone seen Enid?

Yoko: Rainbow Bite is at the gym with her chew toy.

Bianca: I thought the gym has a ‘no wolves allowed’ policy.

Yoko: Yeah, but they’ve got giant windows.

Bianca: 🤨

— At the gym. —

Wednesday: *lifts weights*

Wolf Enid:

Enid: Is it poisoned? *sniffs her lunch tray*

Yoko: Uh. No.

Enid: Cursed?

Yoko: Excuse me?

Enid: *prods food with fork* It’s awfully quiet.

Yoko: Why would—

Enid: *savagely stabs food several times*

Yoko: 😦

Enid: Huh. Not even a wiggle. *pushes tray away in disappointment*

Yoko: Girl, WHY?

Wednesday: Because my family spoiled her, of course.

Yoko startles, glancing back to find Wednesday behind her with a tray in either hand. Enid just waves delightedly.

Yoko: Quit that!

Wednesday: No. *sets a tray of food before Enid*

Enid: *gasps* Is this what I think it is?

Wednesday: *sits beside Enid* Pugsley packed it for you.

Enid: Oh-em-gee! That’s so sweet of him!

Yoko: *stares at Enid’s tray* It’s uh— It’s ticking. Why is your lunch ticking?

Wednesday: *holds out bundle* Your utensils.

Enid: *takes wire cutters* Thanks, babe!

Yoko: 😨

Yoko: WHY IS IT TICKING?!

Enid: PleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE help me!

Yoko: Girl, you two JUST had a date night! You texted like—a dozen heart-eyed emojis! What went wrong?

Enid: Y-You don’t understand! The movie—it was a mistake!

Yoko: What? Did she actually hate Wicked?

Enid: The opposite! Wednesday— She won’t stop singing Defying Gravity!

Yoko: Uh. So what? Is she like really bad? Them high notes are a bitch.

Enid: Yes! No! I mean—she sings them too high—WAY too high! She’s—oh. Oh no… *ears twitch*

Yoko: Enid? What’s wr—

Enid: *claps hands over ears and begins to—* AROOOOOoooooOooOooooOooo!!

Yoko: 😧

Every single fur in Nevermore: *joins in pained howling*

Enid: *strained whimpers* We’ve got to… bring her… down.

Wednesday: Enid.

Enid: Yes, Willa?

Wednesday: What precisely are you doing?

Enid: Just uh—putting some plushies on this high shelf.

Wednesday: Must you be shirtless?

Enid: Whatcha mean? I’m wearing a shirt. *twirls in place*

Wednesday: *reddens* That is a far cry from a shirt. That is a handkerchief with delusions of grandeur.

Enid: Well, it’s hot in here and I wanna be comfy.

Wednesday: It’s winter. I’ve already observed two points that indicate that you are experiencing the cold.

Enid: Been staring at my chest, Willa? *winks*

Wednesday: Enid, how do I resuscitate your contraption?

Enid: You mean reboot my computer, babe. Just ‘Ctrl, Alt, Delete’.

Wednesday: That is all?

Enid: *doesn’t look up for phone* Mm hm!

Wednesday: *leaves*

Enid: *plays on phone*

Wednesday: *returns*

Wednesday: Just to be clear, I am to first control the alt, THEN delete, correct?

Enid: Huh? Whatcha mean by ‘the’ alt? *looks up*

Yoko: *tied up and held at stakepoint*

Enid: 😱

Enid: DROP THAT STAKE!

Wednesday: *tilts head* If I do that, then how am I to delete this alt?

Yoko: *trying not to laugh* Yeah, then how’s she gonna delete this alt?

Enid: YOKO, NOT HELPING!

Yoko: So I said, “Torture? I hardly knew her!”

Everyone at the table laughs except for—

Wednesday: Samantha Eastfield, werewolf, seventeen, senior. Daughter of Greg and Karen Eastfield of Miami, Florida.

The laughter quiets amidst confused looks.

Yoko: Huh?

Wednesday: Also known as PureWolfPrincess06, she has, on numerous occasions, openly slandered Enid on Nevermore’s message planks—

Enid: *coughs* Boards.

Wednesday: —message boards.

Bianca: Kay. First of all, what a bitch. Second, why are you bringing her up?

Wednesday: To be instructional. Tanaka lacks commitment. You learn about your target and you follow through. *tosses something on table and leaves*

Ajax: DUDE, my favorite lighter! I’ve been looking everywhere for it!

As the gorgon happily grabs his lighter, Yoko and Bianca turn to peer at Enid, who in turn stares dreamily after her girlfriend.

Enid: Gosh, it’s like—so sweet of her to remember.

The rest of the table: 😬😑😄

Wednesday: With a ‘Y’?

Yoko: Yes, with a ‘Y’. Like your favorite incision.

Wednesday: *pensive look*

Wednesday: Candy.

Yoko: Candy.

Wednesday: Not candied.

Yoko: Yup.

Wednesday:

Wednesday: And you are absolutely positive about this?

Yoko: I can’t B anymore Positive. *cheesy wink*

Wednesday: *lips thin*

Wednesday:

Wednesday: I may have made a grave miscalculation.

Yoko: Girl, if you got her the wrong stuff for Valentine’s Day, just go back out.

Wednesday: It is too late for that.

Yoko: What do you mean by—

*far off shriek*

Yoko: The heck?

Enid: *distantly* This tastes like blood!

Yoko: 🫢

Enid: OHMYGOD! IT IS BLOOD! WHY ARE THEY FULL OF BLOOD?!

Yoko: 😬

Wednesday: 😒

Yoko: Squirrel?

Wednesday: Rabbit.

Yoko: *winces* Were they cute?

Wednesday: The cutest.

Yoko: Shit.

Yoko: So uh… how many hearts did you get her?

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Enough.

Enid: *pitch intensifies* MY ENTIRE CLOSET!? WHY?!?

Bianca: Hey Addams, can you give us a hand with the fencing gear?

Wednesday: Perhaps. Just one?

Bianca: *frowns* No, two.

Wednesday: I am in possession of more.

Bianca: What— Oh. Sure, Thing can help.

Wednesday: Thing is not on offer, but I have five on hand, so to speak. Any more will necessitate several hours and the cover of nightfall.

Bianca: The shit are you even talking about? If you got Enid, then you’d only have four—

The siren cuts off when Wednesday opens her trench coat to display several objects hanging from the lining.

Wednesday: Three rights and two lefts, unmatched. Take your pick.

Bianca: OH MY Grlghk! *bends over and retches*

Enid: *walks up and stands next to Wednesday*

Wednesday: *closes coat and puts an arm around Enid’s waist*

Bianca: *still retching*

Enid: Huh. So that’s why you’ve been carrying those around.

Wednesday: 😏

Bianca: 🤮

Bianca: How was San Francisco?

Wednesday: I prevented a murder.

Bianca: Seriously? How’d you manage that?

Wednesday: By making a calculated choice.

Bianca: *arches eyebrow*

Wednesday: One lived so that many would not.

Bianca: *frowns* What do you—

Enid: *storms in* That’s like the LAST time I take you on a trolley!

Bianca: 😧

Wednesday: One person’s moral dilemma is another person’s cakewalk

Wednesday: I grow tired of the numerous monikers Tanaka insists upon using.

Enid: Oh c’mon, babe, her nicknames aren’t that bad. Most are pretty funny!

Yoko: *knock on door* Hey, Breeding Rainbow! You decent? Our new dorm mother wants to say hi!

Enid: 😱

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Heh.

Enid: *about to be loaded into an ambulance*

Yoko: Holy shit, Enid, that stunt almost got you killed! What the actual F are you even doing?!

Enid: *weakly* J-Just flirting.

Yoko: Flirting with freakin’ DEATH?!

Enid: *looks past Yoko and bites lip*

Yoko: *glances back to find—*

Wednesday: 😍

Yoko: 🤦‍♀️

Enid: Yoko! I’m trying out a new look. Whatcha think?

Yoko: *watches Enid spin in place*

Enid: *hopeful* Well?

Yoko: Are you going for brunette boyfriend material? Hoping it’ll get Nancy Slew on your case?

Enid: Yup and yup!

Yoko: 🤔

Yoko: Honest truth?

Enid: Totes.

Yoko: Girl, you aimed for A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder—

Enid: 😀

Yoko: —and ended up hitting A Gay Girl’s Guide to Failure.

Enid: 😐

Enid:

Wednesday: No.

Enid: Pleaaaaase?

Wednesday: Absolutely not.

Enid: But it’ll be fun!

Wednesday: I highly doubt that.

Enid: Oh come on! Not even for like a teensy tiny bit? You know—just to see how it is??

Wednesday: Enid, these statues mark the border to Purgatory.

Enid: But—

Wednesday: No buts. I guarantee you that whatever it is you are seeing is most certainly NOT real.

Enid:

Enid:

Enid: *makes a run for it*

Wednesday: ENID, NO!

— What Enid saw. —

Enid: Hey Yoko, did you hear the goss? Apparently those jerks were up partying like—all night.

Yoko: Yeah, Divina said she heard loud music and screaming ’til around four.

Enid: *grumbles* What a bunch of dicks! As if making fun of the uniforms I designed wasn’t bad enough.

Yoko: Hey, look at the bright side—I betcha they’ll be dead tired for today’s match.

Wednesday: You’d only win half that bet.

Yoko:

Enid:

Wednesday: *finishes breakfast*

Enid: Uh… babe? Which half?

Wednesday: *gets up and walks away*

Enid: WEDNESDAY! WHICH HALF?!

Bianca: Addams, I’m telling you, she’s been scenting you.

Wednesday: Don’t be absurd. I would have noticed.

Enid: *peeks in* Willa, there you are! I’ve got a big test next class, so can I…?

Wednesday: *nods*

Enid walks over and, with a practiced ease, casually applies the seer beneath each arm, as if she were a murderous stick of antiperspirant.

Enid: *releases Wednesday* Thanks, bestie! You’re a lifesaver!

Wednesday: Perish the thought.

Enid: Oh hey, Bianca. See ya both at lunch! *skips away*

Bianca:

Wednesday: *smooths hair back down*

Bianca: So how do you explain that?

Wednesday: Explain what?

Bianca: Enid rubbing on you like you were her favorite deodorant.

Wednesday: So?

Bianca: So?! Bitch, that was her scenting you!

Wednesday: Don’t be daft. First of all, if we use your deodorant analogy, I would have been unscenting her.

Bianca:

Bianca: Ohmygod—You cannot be this dense.

Wednesday: Second, your analogy was flawed to begin with.

Bianca: *narrows eyes* How?

Wednesday: Our ritual’s purpose is to remove distress, not odors. Therefore, a better term would be…

Bianca: Don’t you dare say—

Wednesday: …dewoedorant.

Bianca:

Bianca: 🤬

Wednesday: *glares suspiciously at Yoko*

Yoko: *totally innocent*

Enid: Bye, everyone! C’mon babe, let’s go. *skips away*

Wednesday: *casts one last glare and leaves*

Yoko: *relieved exhale*

Divina: Poseidon’s beard, babe, you’ve got guts to wear that shirt around Wednesday!

Bianca: What’s the big deal? Looks like an old Stüssy shirt.

Yoko: *smirks and opens her jacket to reveal—*

Bianca: Mortussy? What the fuck does Mort—

Bianca: 🫢

Bianca: Christ, Yoko! That’s not gutsy, that’s goddamn SUICIDAL!

Yoko: 😎

Yoko: I’m telling you, it’s every single night since they saw the movie. You gotta let me stay over!

Bianca: Come on, it can’t be that bad.

Yoko: Oh really? Here, lemme just turn down my music. *fiddles with volume*

Bianca: I don’t hear—

Enid: 🎶 If we work in tandem— 🎶

Enid/Wednesday: 🎶 There’s no fight we cannot win 🎶

Bianca: Eh. So they’re a bit pitchy. I’ve heard w—

Enid/Wednesday: 🎶 Let’s you and I, defile our cavities 🎶

Bianca: 😦

Enid/Wednesday: 🎶 With you and I DEFILING cavities 🎶

Yoko: *turns music back up* You were saying?

Bianca: Bitch, click your heels three times, ’cause we’re getting you out of Oz

Enid: How do I deal with my enemies?

Wednesday: You use a sideblog to post deeply personal and embarrassing secrets about them under an alias, all while maintaining the guise of friendship.

Enid: Wh-What sideblog? I dunno what you’re talking about!

Wednesday: You just posted about Xavier’s—

Enid: I WAS ASKING FOR ADVICE!

Wednesday: Ah, I see. Kill them.

Enid: Mmn. That's a bit extreme. I was kinda hoping for a more passive solution.

Wednesday: Kill their spirit?

Enid:

Enid: You’re right, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Thanks, babe!

Wednesday: My pleasure, as always.

Divina: *distantly* OH MY GOD! Xavier did WHAT?!

Xavier: What are you yelling—

Yoko: Your own godmother’s ASHES?! YOU SICK FUCK!!

Xavier: H-How did you find—I mean NO! IT’S NOT TRUE! YOU’VE GOTTA BELIEVE—

Enid: Guys, I’m gonna kill—

Wednesday: 😍

Enid: —off the last of these cookies.

Wednesday: 😕

Xavier: *snatches a cookie* Yoink!

Wednesday: 😠

Enid: *snarls* Give that BACK, Vincent van Go-fuck-yourself!

Wednesday: 😐

Xavier: Hah! This cookie is—OH SHIT! *lifted off feet*

Wednesday: 🙂

Enid: MY COOKIES! *suplexes Xavier*

Wednesday: 😍

Wednesday: I don’t fall in love. The only thing I would ever fall in, is battle.

Bianca: *snorts* Okay, Lil’nidas.

Wednesday: What did you just call me?

Bianca: Lil’nidas, because I’m pretty damn sure Enid is your Battle of Thermopylae.

Wednesday: 😐

Wednesday: 😑

Wednesday: 😦

Bianca: *murmurs* Three, two, one, and—

Wednesday hard blinks once, snaps to her feet, and begins to flee speedwalk away.

Bianca: *calls after* See ya, Addams! Always happy to burst your little black bubble!

Wednesday: 🖕

Bianca: 🫰

On the way to a punk show…

Enid: This is probably a silly question, but are you straight edge?

Wednesday: Edge, yes. Straight, never.

While hunting down a lead at one of the Morning Song compounds…

Bianca: Alright, Addams, this could get dangerous. Are you strapped?

Wednesday: Don’t be absurd. That is Enid’s preferred implement, and I have neither the need nor the desire to deprive her of something she so enthusiastically enjoys using.

Bianca:

Bianca: *to herself* The hell is she— Ohfuckingdamnit.

Bianca: A gun, Addams! Strapped with a GUN!

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Ah. Then yes, several.

Bianca: *rolls eyes* Jesus fuck. Let’s just get to the bottom of this.

Wednesday: *glares* Who are you calling a bottom?

Bianca: 🤦

In the middle of chemistry class.

Wednesday: Sinclair, if you intend for your nose to remain arrestingly symmetrical, you will retract your slanderous words immediately.

Enid: No! It’s the truth! That was the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me!

Wednesday: For the last time, I do not do sweet.

Enid: Yes you do! I heard you! Everyone heard you!

Wednesday: Enough. We take this outside, now.

Enid: FINE!

Wednesday: *storms out alongside Enid*

The entire class: *bemused silence*

Chemistry teacher: As I was saying, Ms. Addams was correct. Beta-D-Fructofuranosyl alpha-D-glucopyranoside is the IUPAC name for sucrose, otherwise known as table sugar. Now moving on…

Yoko: Addams got CUCKED?!

Divina: *gasps*

Bianca: What—NO! That’s NOT what I said!

Yoko: You just said she watched Enid fucking swallow a dude!

Bianca: As a wolf!

Divina: That’s worse!

Bianca: Jesus christ—I meant that Enid straight up ATE some guy.

Yoko: OH! Oh. Ohshit.

Divina: That’s… that’s so dreadfully disgusting that I’m dizzy.

Bianca: *nods* So vehemently vile that I could vomit.

Yoko: So nauseatingly nasty that it’s giving nightmares.

Wednesday: *steps out of shadows* So achingly attractive—

The Addams’ abrupt arrival alarms the gossiping girls, garnering surprised shrieks.

Wednesday: —that the apex of my thighs is again awash in my abundant arousal.

Yoko: Yeesh.

Bianca: Yikes.

Divina: Yum.

Yoko/Bianca/Divina: 😒😒🫢

Wednesday: —was the way Uncle Fester’s marriage ended, not in dotage, but high voltage.

Enid: *confused stare*

Enid: That… was not helpful.

Wednesday: Hmn. Perhaps a different one? There was the time Pugsley—

Enid: *anxiously grabs Wednesday* Babe, not now! Antidotes! I asked if you had any antidotes!

Wednesday: *furrows brow* These are my finest anecdotes.

Enid: 😧

Enid: Ohmyf—NOT anecdotes! We need antidotes, A-N-T-I, for our FRIEND who was POISONED.

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Ah.

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Are talking friend as in Eugene, or “friend” as in Yo—

Enid: *throttles girlfriend* NOW, WEDNESDAY!!

Enid: Hey babe, want a Gusher?

Wednesday: What precisely is a “Gusher”?

Enid: It’s a colorful fruit snack! Here. *shares one*

Wednesday: *stares at the thing in her hand*

Wednesday:

Wednesday: I think not. *drops the treat and—*

*STOMP*

Enid: Hey! That’s a waste of—

Wednesday: *glares* Listen here, you insufferable wolf. The only colorful fruity snack that shall gush upon my tongue—

Enid: 😳

Wednesday: —is the one that tries my sanity like a drowning man tries to swim—

Enid: 😧

Wednesday: —which is relentlessly. So understand THIS. *jabs Enid’s chest*

Enid: Eep!

Wednesday: There will be NO SUBSTITUTES. *punctuates each word with a jab* Do-you-hear-me?

Enid: Yes’m.

Wednesday: *steps back* Excellent. You can make up for your insult back in our room. Come along, Snack.

Enid: 🥵

Enid: *obediently follows after Wednesday*

Bianca: 😐

Bianca: 😑

Bianca: *tosses the rest of her Gushers into the garbage*

Enid: 🫢

Enid: Oh no. Did… did I— Please tell me those people aren’t like dead dead.

Wednesday: They’re not dead dead.

Enid: Then what are they?

Wednesday: Weredead.

Enid: Weredead?

Wednesday: Yes. These poor individuals are inflicted with weredeadism.

Enid: Wait, so they’re like—alive, but when the full moon rose last night they… what? Keeled over?

Wednesday: Precisely. They must be juvenile weredeads, as they are still in their shifted forms despite the sun having risen.

Enid:

Enid: So… they’re gonna shift back soon, right?

Wednesday: Of course, mi lobita. Now come, it was a long night and you deserve a hot shower. *takes Enid’s arm*

Enid: A hot shower does sound totes amazing… *guided away*

Thing: *peeks out around tree*

Thing: *gestures and scampers for the corpses*

The Nightshades: *follow with shovels*

Yoko: What do you mean she doesn’t have a G-spot??

Enid: *blushing* Um… so like… well uh—

Yoko: *exasperated* Well-uh-Willa-coulda—OUT with it already!

Enid: *cringes* Okay! It’s just—I ah… I can’t find it.

Yoko: 😧

Yoko: *pitying* Oh, honey, that—that’s like—totally fine. You just need more practice and—

Enid: Hey! That’s not what’s going on!

Yoko: Uh. Then what IS going on?

Wednesday: *exits shadows* What’s going on—

Yoko: *stifles shriek* SHIT.

Wednesday: —is that she already excels at ripping countless orgasms from my writhing carcass.

Enid: Aw, thanks babe!

Wednesday: Of course, mi lobita sedienta.

Yoko: Okay, sure, but—what about your G-spot?

Wednesday: *disdainful* Why concern myself over some paltry G-spot when my E-spot is, based on comparative analysis, vastly superior in both coverage and sensitivity?

Yoko:

Yoko: E-spot?

Enid: Yeah uh—that’s what I was trying to talk about. I can’t find her G-spot because like—everything down there is stupid sensitive.

Wednesday: Precisely so. The entirety of my infernal pit is indiscriminate when it comes to Enid’s divine touch, hence ‘E-spot’.

Yoko: 😬

Yoko: Riiiight. So the ‘E’ stands for—

Wednesday: Enid, obviously.

Enid: *strikes pose* That me!

Yoko: Oh. Huh. And here I thought it was cuz it makes you go ‘EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE’.

Wednesday:

Wednesday: *grudgingly* That too.

Enid: 🤗

Bianca: So what’s the weirdest thing your Significant Other has ever done?

Kent: One time he rolled like a bajillion joints and got all his snakes stoned at the same time. We were all like—Hail Highdra!

Ajax: 🤟😀

Divina: She once filled a 15-gallon glass fish bowl with blood so she could pretend it was the Kool-Aid Man. Spent the day knocking holes through walls and shouting “OH YEAH” before chugging.

Yoko: 😎👍

Bianca: What about you, Addams?

Wednesday: Me.

Bianca: Yeah, it’s your turn.

Wednesday: I gave my answer. Me.

Enid: 🤗

Bianca:

Bianca: I should’ve seen that coming.

Wednesday: As if you’d be so lucky.

Bianca: 😫

Wednesday: Don’t be absurd. I have not corrupted Enid.

Bianca: Uh huh. Hey, what’s the byproduct of the American healthcare system?

Wednesday: Dead bodies.

Enid: Again? I’ll get the shovels! *skips away*

Wednesday:

Bianca: That’s what I thought.

Enid: Yoko, you gotta help me! I told Willa I’d cook dinner, but I can’t cook!

Yoko: And you’re asking me? Enid, vampires don’t cook.

Enid: Puh-leaaaase!

Yoko: Alright, alright! Just gimme a sec to throw on some lingerie.

Enid: What? Why?

Yoko: How else am I gonna help you turn on the oven? Duh!

Enid:

Enid: Good thinking, Yoko. I’m gonna put on mine right now!

Enid: Wednesday, please! You don’t have to fight my mom just for me! She could kill you!

Wednesday: If I am to leave this world, then it may as well be in same manner I entered it—

Enid:

Wednesday: Armed and covered in a mother’s blood. Now hand me my trusty childhood garrote, Umbilicus.

Enid:

Bianca: Crap! There goes all my damned popcorn. Gimme a sec and I’ll—

Wednesday: Leave it, Barclay. Enid will take care of it.

Bianca: *glances at the sleeping wolf*

Bianca: Addams, she’s asleep. Not only would that be a bitch thing to do, I’m not about to leave my mess on your floor.

Wednesday: It’s presumptuous of you to assume that Morpheus can keep my beloved from whatever she desires.

Bianca: Uh—Right. What’s that gotta do with—

Bianca:

Bianca: Oh.

Wednesday: *admires her wolf* Magnificent, isn’t she?

Bianca: *distracted nod*

Bianca:

Bianca: So uh—does she also… *gestures vaguely* …while asleep?

Wednesday: *arches an eyebrow* Hmm?

Bianca: *cheeks flush* Nevermind. I’m getting more popcorn.

Wednesday amusedly watches the flustered siren hurry off, then returns to basking in the primal majesty of the savage apex predator who ensnared her black heart.

Sleeping Wolf Enid:

Bianca: She’s right, Addams. Rock wins. That’s the rules.

Enid: See? And I pick Barbie on Ice, so let’s go!

Wednesday: This is absurd. Were I truly armed with scissors, I could best you regardless of the stone you wielded.

Enid: Oh yeah? Well, you got a pair on you?

Wednesday: *produces heavy shears* Of course.

Enid: Good. AJAX!

Ajax: Huh? What’s—

Wednesday: *looks sharply to Ajax*

Enid: *yanks Ajax’s beanie off*

Wednesday: *turns to stone*

Ajax: Ohshit! I didn’t—

Enid: *smugly replaces beanie* Thanks, Ajax! You’re like—so useful.

Ajax: Uh… yeah?

Bianca: Wow, Enid. Petty much?

Enid: Yeah, well, it’s Barbie on Ice. And besides— *picks up her girlfriend* —I already got tickets.

Bianca: I’m impressed. I take it your ride is already here?

Enid: *cheerily* Obvi!

With that, Enid bids farewell as she hefts her petrified paramour above her head and skips away to her waiting ride.

Bianca: *amused wave*

Ajax: 🥹

Bianca: 😒

Ajax: Dude, she said I’m useful!

Bianca: 😑

Enid: Hah! That was buttah!

Wednesday: If you mean it was trivial to infiltrate this prison, then I agree.

Enid: Like I said. Buttah.

Wednesday: *sighs* Your alarming vernacular aside, what precisely are we doing here?

Enid: It’s a jail cell.

Wednesday: Obviously. I highly doubt this is your way of revealing a growing interest in felonious activities.

Enid: Not exactly. *stalks towards Wednesday*

Wednesday: *backs up* Then why here?

Enid: You’re the detective. You tell me.

Wednesday: Hm. You had Thing kill the security cam for this cell, so it must involve something illicit.

Enid: *backs Wednesday against a wall* You’re on the right track, Cupcake.

Wednesday: Cupca—

Wednesday: 😳

Wednesday: Oh.

Enid: *slinks down*

Wednesday: Oh…

Enid: *enjoys some buttah*

Wednesday: OH~!

Contestant: *smugly answers* To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

Host: Ooh—I’m sorry, but that answer is incorrect.

Contestant: What?!

Host: Mrs. Addams, this is your chance to take the prize. What is your answer?

Mrs. Addams: Thirty-one A.

Host: That is totes correct! Congratulations, Mrs. Addams, you win the game!

Contestant: Excuse me?! What that dumb outcast said was nonsense! How is “thirty-one A” the answer to “what is best in life” when—

Host: *glaring at contestant*

Contestant: —the question was obviously referencing the 1982 fantasy masterpiece, Conan the Barbarian!

Host: So sorry, but the question was “what is breast in wife”, not “what is best in life”.