Archive of Our Own ^beta

Veo got Rudi to tell her. About what happened.

She wouldn’t do that to Pluto. Gods know he wouldn’t leave the side of the bed anyways, where…Sebastian’s body had been laid. His eyes were dry. When she left the room, after everyone else had already left, she saw him holding Sebastian’s hand and brushing his thumb over his knuckles like she’d sometimes seen him do. She looked away then.

But she needed to know. So she pulled Rudi aside, and asked her to give her the blow-by-blow. Her voice almost didn’t tremble.

She and Rudi, they have an understanding. They haven’t spent that much time together, but they have a…mutual respect, for the toughness they recognise in each other. Rudi’s came from years and decades of experience, and from trudging and fighting and commanding her way through an actual civil war. And Veo, she may still be young, in comparison, but she’s made it this far - fifteen, sixteen years - in Drakkenheim, and she’s had to learn, fast, on the job since she became the Lord Commander.

They’re both survivors.

And that means that they’ve survived many impossible situations, yes, but not only that. It also means that they have survived many people. She suspects Rudi might feel this much more keenly than she does. This is why she doesn’t- didn’t form close ties in all those years. Sure, she had been friendly with a few of the Hooded Lanterns - she would have needed to be, to go in and out of the city. But other than that, it was only ever a few mercenaries here, a few treasure hunters there, that she worked with on some job or another. She worked well with some of them, and it had almost been a pleasure, until, usually, they died. The haze got them, a knoll tore them apart, a stray arrow caught them in the neck. It was all the same in the end. It was only ever all the same.

Don’t get her wrong. She did think of Sebastian in those fifteen years, from time to time, once in a while. They had been childhood friends. They had run around the streets of Drakkenheim - still seedy, still dangerous, but prospering and buzzing with life - stealing food and causing incidents. Only mild ones, on Veo’s watch. She’d shown him her favourite secret places in the city - the best hiding spots, the quickest shortcuts - and he’d shown her what his magic could do. He’d tried to teach her, but she hadn’t really picked it up then - that came later in life, for her - and he hadn’t really been able to control it all that well then too, so that had mostly resulted in some singed red hair and burnt black fur that one very memorable day. She thinks it was not long after that that his dad gave him his goggles. A couple times Tobias took him to the theatre, and she had tagged along too, and it had been really fun. Neither of them had quite fit in growing up - her, a tabaxi in a city where tabaxi are a rare sight, and him, well. The things that the other kids - and adults, too - used to say behind his back, or even to his face. But they had each other.

Point is, you don’t just forget your childhood friend like that. Not even after one day she heard that some mage from the Amethyst Academy came to take him away. Not even after one day a meteor struck her city and everything just. Everything just.

So yes, she still thought of him, only occasionally, wondering how he was doing, only in the in-between moments, at the turning of her thoughts, in between fighting or sneaking her way out of an alley full of knolls and rats and scraping together enough food just to stay alive. But then, of course, River had to bring him back.

And here they are.

And there she was, in the corridor outside, in Duke Engelhart’s manor, standing in front of Rudi, bracing herself. She thought maybe it would help, to know. She thought she was ready. And Rudi, face drawn and grave, and tired, no doubt of the many times like this one that she’d had to face in her years, told her. How they had had to fight their way down the sub-basement secret labs, how by the time they got to this, this improbable underground pool, they had already gone through quite a trial. And when she described the echo of that monstrous creature that she, Wilhelm, and Wrath had already fought and defeated once previously, that ‘Duchess’, rising out of the water with huge tentacles, her eyes were haunted. And how they managed to cut down the tree-trunk-like tentacles and, for a moment, thought that they had it, and how everything then went to shit so very quickly.

Sebastian was all covered in acid, Rudi told her, and the wings of his shadowy form fluttered and looked like they might wink out, but he caught himself in the air in the last possible second. But then she and Pluto were swallowed up in the Duchess’s gullet, and slowly getting dissolved by acid themselves, but Sebastian got them out, somehow, shadow-teleporting them out of there. But he must have been too caught up in that, Rudi said, he forgot about the acid that was eating away at his own body, and, at the moment of their triumph, when Pluto drove Ignacious into the echo of the Duchess one last time, it exploded. And, Rudi didn’t see it happen the moment that it did, but only became aware once the acidic torrents dissipated, that both Pluto and Sebastian were lying unconscious on the ground. She rushed to Sebastian first - he was closest - and. And. It was unclear whether it was the fall or the acid that did it, she told Veo.

She did manage to save Pluto. She didn’t envy her, Veo thought distantly, for she wasn’t sure if she’d been able to- it’d take a stronger person than her to wake Pluto up, then look him in the eye and tell him that Sebastian was gone. She didn’t think she could have done it, if she’d been there. If she’d been there.

But she wasn’t, was she.

She could have lost them both, just like that, and she wasn’t even there.

Rudi steadied her, and only then did she realise she’d stumbled forward, just a step. ‘I’m sorry,’ Rudi said to her, as she regained her footing, and she knew that she wasn’t apologising, just extending her sympathy - she’s a seasoned enough warrior to know that it was not her fault, and Veo was glad for that, for she didn’t think she had it in her to offer any words of comfort or assuage anyone’s misplaced sense of guilt right then. ‘We’ll… we’ll follow the trail to the Achtungwald Forest, and do our best to bring Everett Fried to justice.’ She nodded, mutely. ‘Veo,’ Rudi grabbed onto her shoulder, and suddenly Veo could see how she was the mother of ten and also the leader of her regiment, ‘If anyone could bring Sebastian back, it would be you and Pluto.’ ‘Not if. When.’ She wiped furiously at her eyes with her paws, ‘We’ll bring him back.’ She still had some strength left in her voice, like steel, which surprised even herself. Good. They’d need that.

It was only when she got back to her chamber, and closed the door behind her, that she allowed her strength to leave her, and did what cats do and curled up in a ball on the bed. It was too big, too cold, too empty; yet the four walls seemed to press upon her.

Back there she was taking note of every word, but she wasn’t taking them in, as if those were just words that were strung together, without meaning. But now, lying in the dark, she started to replay it in her mind. She started to picture this subterranean pool, this remnant of an ancient dwarven bath, that she’d never been, and this echo of a horrible, mutated sea monster brought back to life that she’d never seen before, and she was there, with her friends.

She was there, in this imagined terrain, and she wanted to yell at Pluto, to not go up to it, to use his lightning javelin instead maybe, to stay away, stay away so that at least it wouldn’t engulf him in its gullet. But no, that would take too long. They’d all be exhausted before they’d get anywhere close to destroying it. Plus, Pluto simply wouldn’t listen. He would always run in headfirst so that he could shield the both of them.

And as she watched, in this picture that Rudi had painted in her mind, She was firing a barrage of arrows at this abomination, and in between shots, she was shouting to Sebastian, ‘Hey! Get rid of that acid, just scrap it off! We don’t need it eating holes through your body!’ And maybe, just maybe, just this once, he’d listen? But who was she kidding; she’d known him for twenty-odd years now, and how many times had she known him to listen? Besides, in those precious few seconds, if he saw that Pluto was getting devoured by the Duchess’s echo, he’d elect to get Pluto out of there first, no question, and forget all about his own injuries.

Fools, the both of them. What was she going to do with them?

And so she saw moment by moment pass by, in her mind’s eye, with inevitability, until the explosion, and Sebastian’s shadowy form winked out, and he was plummeting to the ground--

It was unclear whether it was the fall or the acid that did it, she heard Rudi tell her, again.

And she replayed it, again, the whole chain of events, and she replayed it again, and again. The pool turning into acid, the Duchess’s echo swallowing Pluto, the killing blow and the explosion, the-- What could she do? And she saw, again, Sebastian’s shadowy form faltering in the air, and plummeting towards-- and her hand stretched out, in her imagination, quite by instinct, because she’d done this before, in Castle Drakken with the demons, and many more times besides, and suddenly everything slowed--

No, not everything, just Sebastian - as she broke his fall and he landed, light as a feather, onto the ground. Still unconscious, still acid-eaten, but his neck wasn’t broken, and she could get to him. She could have.

She thought it would help, to have Rudi tell her exactly what happened. It didn’t.

Now she needed to live with the knowledge that, if she’d been there, if she could have survived long enough in that fight - and she could have, she could have, she’s a survivor - and if she’d been fast enough-- maybe, just maybe, Sebastian would still be alive. She could have saved both of them. She could have. She didn’t.

And she’s lived with that knowledge every day since. But no matter, they’ll bring him back. She’ll just have to focus on that.

It’s been almost a week, and they’ve been camping out in a dilapidated house in Emberwood Village, as far away from the Crowes’ home as possible. The thatched roof is falling apart, and, through the holes, she can catch glimpses of the night sky, and of the cold needlepoints of stars up above. It’s almost beautiful.

She’s awoken from a nightmare. She’s been having them every night, since. It’s the same one, really. She thought nightmares were a Sebastian thing, but apparently it’s caught on to her now. At least she doesn’t wake up screaming, she thinks, she only jerks awake, completely silent. She sits up, and the spot next to her is cold. Pluto’s not sleeping again.

She was back in the underground pool, or, her imaginary version of it. And the series of events set off again, and she could do nothing to stop it. It’s like she was there just to watch; it’s like, even in her dreams, she knew that she wasn’t actually there. There was the acid again, and the explosion, again, and then Sebastian was crashing to the ground, wings and shadows receded. Veo rushed to him. His body was small, and broken, his neck twisted at an unnatural angle. And she knew he was gone, but she just wanted to… pull his body out of the acid pool, at least, but she feared it would make it worse, he looked so fragile then- when suddenly his eyes flew open, but white like a corpse’s, and his grip was like a vice around her wrist, fingers digging into her leather arm guard, and said to her, voice barely louder than a croak, ‘Where were you? Where were you, Veo?’

And she woke then, gasping for air. She’s slowly working her breathing and heartbeat back to some semblance of a normal rate, her claws clenching and unclenching around the threadbare blanket, and she knows that it was just her mind playing tricks on her, and Sebastian wouldn’t, he wouldn’t…would he?

But, yes, where was she? When her friends were fighting for their lives, when life was draining from their bodies, when they needed her, where was she?

And, when, all those years ago, the meteor hit Drakkenheim, when her father - as she later found out - was protecting the castle, the city, the kingdom, even, where was she? She’d been running around the city streets that afternoon, and catching fish in the Drann River, she thinks, and escaped unscathed, while her father was giving his life for everyone, and he continues to do so even now. Why wasn’t she by his side? It’d been plaguing her, a phantom of this question, at the back of her mind, for more than fifteen years, though usually she’s better at suppressing it and focusing on what needs to be done. She knows, rationally, it wasn’t her fault, and she’s usually pretty good at analysing a situation rationally. But, in the dead of the night, here.

Sometimes it feels like she’s only a survivor because she conveniently wasn’t there when the ones she cares about needed her. And then she can only rage against it, tooth and claw, ineffectually, afterwards.

And sometimes it feels like Drakkenheim keeps taking from her. And she loves the city, she does. It’s her home. But sometimes, sometimes it feels like it keeps taking everything and everyone she loves, until the ruined city itself is all that’s left for her.

‘It’s just like back in the old days, when I was alone,’ she’d said, when they were looking for an abandoned house.

But no, she needs to keep it together, she wipes her tears. She’s not alone, and Pluto isn’t either. They just need to hold on for a little bit longer.

She gets up, and heads out to the porch leading to the backyard, and Pluto is, indeed, sitting on the step there, drinking. That’s not like him. But then again, neither of them is quite themselves at the moment. She sits down, wordlessly, on the step too. There are some space between them, and the empty air is charged with the palpable awareness of what’s - of who’s - missing. She closes her eyes, and can almost feel Sebastian sitting in the middle, throwing an arm around Pluto and then the other arm around Veo’s shoulder as well - and Veo would tease him afterwards for his obvious ploy to get his hands on Pluto - cajoling Pluto to tell them his old monster-slaying tales again, or asking Veo what she’d have Chud cook next they return to camp, and the night would be filled with their laughter and banter. She opens her eyes, and all she sees are overgrown hedges, the uncaring night sky, and her breath condensing in front of her in the cold air. And Pluto, hunching in on himself. ‘I thought this would make me feel closer to him,’ he breaks the silence then, gesturing to the bottle. Her chest constricts in sympathy, and she blurts out, ‘I’ve been having nightmares.’ ‘Oh, Veo,’ and squeezes her shoulder once, and she takes some comfort in that. Then she says, trying to move past this tightness in her throat, ‘Tomorrow’s candidate should be promising. Balderick. Master Wizard from the Academy. Might even know how to teleport us. We can be on our way to the dragon soon.’ Pluto just nods.

She knows it probably won’t get through, but she needs to try, ‘You should sleep; we need to be at our best.’ He laughs a bit, humourlessly, ‘But I’m not, Veo,’ and he sounds so lost then, ‘I’m so far from my best.’ They can’t both fall apart; she needs to stay strong, even though she doesn’t know what to do too. ‘Neither am I,’ she admits, and then she takes a deep breath, ‘But listen,’ she turns to him, ‘We’ll get Sebastian back. We will; there’s no question about it, and we won’t stop until we do. And for that, we need to keep a clear head on our shoulders, stay alert, and be ready for anything. Okay?’ Pluto stays silent for a moment longer, but eventually he says, ‘Okay, okay.’ She’s never seen him look this small, in his full-plate armour. He hasn’t taken it off even once. She doesn’t offer to help; it wouldn’t. But she can Prestidigitates it shiny again, so she does, and then she creates a bubble of warmth around them to ward off the chill, and pulls out her reserve of snacks that she’s saved for precisely times like this. She pops bits of candied salmon into her mouth, then passes it over, silently. ‘Oh,’ he takes some, ‘Thank you, Veo.’ She stows it back into her secret pocket, and says, ‘Anytime.’

After a while, she figures she should take her own advice, so she gets up to head back inside. ‘Get some sleep soon,’ she says to Pluto. She hopes he does.

Just when she’s drifting off - hopefully not into another nightmare again - she feels Pluto get into the bedroll, their backs pressed against each other. Like two parentheses facing away, as if this way they won’t be able to see the expanse of space in between. But she’s warmer now, at least. They just need to hold on in this way, for just a while longer. Just a while longer.